Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.39.0-wmf.25 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Gadget Gadget talk Gadget definition Gadget definition talk 0 197 3155763 3154598 2022-08-18T04:28:36Z Hyphz 2336264 /* Unsourced, unverified, or other best guesses */ wikitext text/x-wiki This page consists of things that many people think are correct quotations but are actually incorrect. This does not include quotations that were actually blunders by the people who said them (see, e.g., [[Wikipedia:Political gaffe]]). :''See also: [[Quotations|Quotations on quotation]].'' __TOC__ {{misattributed begin}} == Misquoted or misattributed == *'''"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."''' ** Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, Thomas Jefferson, Ann Landers, et al. never said these words. The phrase is an alteration of one made by [[Jonathan Swift]]: '''Falsehood flies, and truth comes limping after it'''. *'''"Hell is just a frame of mind"''': widely claimed on the internet to be a quotation from Christopher Marlowe's ''Doctor Faustus''. The demon Mephistopheles in ''Doctor Faustus'' does, however, imply a similar idea by saying that losing his place in heaven makes him experience hell, by comparison, wherever he is: <poem> :: "Why this is hell, nor am I out of it. :: Think'st thou that I who saw the face of God, :: And tasted the eternal joys of Heaven, :: Am not tormented with ten thousand hells, :: In being depriv'd of everlasting bliss?" </poem> *'''"If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas."''' ** George Bernard Shaw never said these words, but [[w:Charles F. Brannan|Charles F. Brannan]] did.[http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/12/13/swap-ideas/] *'''"The secret of all victory lies in the organization of the non-obvious"''' ** Widely attributed to [[Marcus Aurelius]], this quote appears in ''The Decline of the West'', by Oswald Spengler (1918 and 1923). *'''"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."''', Dorothy Gale in ''The Wizard of Oz'' (played by Judy Garland) **This phrase was never uttered by the character. What she really said was ''Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.'' *'''"In essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things, charity" ''' (In necessariis unitas, in non-necessariis [or, dubiis] libertas, in utrisque [or, omnibus] caritas). ** Widely attributed to Augustine, but the phrase was coined by Rupertus Meldenius, a Lutheran theologian and educator, in 1626. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupertus_Meldenius] *'''"A stupid person's idea of a clever person"''', [[Julie Burchill]] of [[Stephen Fry]]. **This phrase was coined by the Irish writer [[Elizabeth Bowen]] about [[Aldous Huxley]] in the 1930s. Burchill remarked that "My husband claims that it was I who coined the line about Stephen Fry that he is "a stupid person's idea of a clever person". And if I weren't a sober person's idea of a booze-addled person, I might be more useful in remembering whether this is true or not. Whatever, it's pretty damn good." *'''"Not a lot of people know that."''', [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]], British actor. **Peter Sellers said this whilst doing an impression of Michael Caine and Caine has become associated with the quote despite not having said it in the first place.[http://www.metro.co.uk/film/858942-michael-caine-i-never-said-not-a-lot-of-people-know-that] *'''"Nice guys finish last."''' Leo Durocher (1906–1991), US [[w:baseball|baseball]] manager. **As reported in the biography, ''Nice Guys Finish Last'', (by Leo Durocher, with Ed Linn, Simon & Schuster, 1975), Durocher's remark was his reply to being asked his opinion of the 1946 New York Giants. He actually said, "Take a look at them. All nice guys. They'll finish last. Nice guys – finish last." Elision of the relative pronoun ("who") in the final sentence turned an evaluation into a declaration that nice people are doomed to failure. *'''"The two most common elements in the Universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity."''' [[Harlan Ellison]] (born May 27, 1934), US [[author]]. **Although stated by Ellison in a nonfiction essay in the mid-1960s, this quote has been frequently misattributed to [[Frank Zappa]]. In Zappa's autobiography, ''[[w:The Real Frank Zappa Book|The Real Frank Zappa Book]]'' (1989), on page 239, Zappa makes a similar comment: "Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. '''I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.'''" *'''"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"''' [[en:Voltaire|Voltaire]] **Thought to be words of Voltaire; it was actually written by [[en:Evelyn Beatrice Hall|Evelyn Beatrice Hall]]. *'''"To learn who rules over you, simply find out whom you are not allowed to criticize."''' [[en:Voltaire|Voltaire]] **A similar quote is noted in a 1993 polemic by [[w:Kevin Alfred Strom|Kevin Strom]], a neo-Nazi writer who used the phrase in reference to the [[w:Gay Mafia|Gay Mafia]]. Strom, in turn, attributed the phrase to a 1960s speech by academic-turned-white supremacist [[Revilo P. Oliver]]. *"'''If I can't dance I don't want to be in [''or'' a part of] your revolution.'''" (also: "'''If I can't dance to it, it's not my revolution'''") **Widely attributed to [[Emma Goldman]], but according to Goldman scholar [[w:Alix Kates Shulman|Alix Kates Shulman]], it was instead the invention of [[anarchist]] printer Jack Frager for a small batch of Goldman T-shirts he printed in 1973. In her memoirs, Goldman remembers being censured for dancing and states: *** "I insisted that our Cause could not expect me to become a nun and that the movement should not be turned into a cloister. If it meant that, I did not want it. 'I want freedom, the right to self-expression, everybody's right to beautiful, radiant things.'" – ''Living My Life'' (New York: Knopf, 1934), p. 56 **** In the motion picture ''[[V for Vendetta]]'', V (played by [[Hugo Weaving]]) says that "a revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having." **See Shulman, Alix Kates ''[http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/Goldman/Features/dances_shulman.html Dances With Feminists],'' ''Women's Review of Books'', Vol. IX, no. 3, December 1991. * "'''Just the facts, ma'am.'''" ** This, the best known quote from the Jack Webb series ''[[w:Dragnet|Dragnet]]'', was never said by Sgt. Friday in any of the ''Dragnet'' radio or television series. The quote was, however, adopted in the 1987 ''Dragnet'' pseudo-parody film starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks in which Aykroyd played Sgt. Joe Friday. ** Correct versions:<br>"All we want are the facts, ma'am."<br>"All we know are the facts, ma'am." ** See {{cite web | last = Mikkelson | first = Barbara and David P. | date = [[29 March]] [[2002]] | url = http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/dragnet.htm | title = Just the Facts | work = Urban Legends | publisher = snopes.com | accessdate = 2006-12-18 }} * '''We trained hard... but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.''' ** Usually misattributed to [[Petronius|Petronius Arbiter]] ** Actually by [[Charlton Ogburn]] (1911–1998) from [http://www.harpers.org/archive/1957/01/0007289 "Merrill's Marauders: The truth about an incredible adventure"] in the January 1957 issue of ''[[w:Harper's Magazine|Harper's Magazine]]'' ** Actual quote: "We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized. Presumably the plans for our employment were being changed. I was to learn later in life that, perhaps because we are so good at organizing, we tend as a nation to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization." **see Brown, David S. "Petronius or Ogburn?", ''Public Administration Review'', Vol. 38, No. 3 (May – June, 1978), p. 296 [http://links.jstor.org/sici?sici=0033-3352(197805%2F06)38%3A3%3C296%3APOO%3E2.0.CO%3B2-Z] * "'''Elementary, my dear Watson'''" – [[Sherlock Holmes]] ** This phrase was never uttered by the character in any of [[w:Arthur_Conan_Doyle|Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's]] written works. Though "Elementary," and "...my dear Watson." both appear near the beginning of ''[[s:The Crooked Man|The Crooked Man]]'' (1893), it is the ''"...my dear Watson"'' that appears first, and ''"Elementary"'' is the succinct reply to Watson's exclamation a few lines of dialogue later. This is the closest these four immortal words ever appear together in the Canon. ** The first documented occurrence of this quote appears in the [[P. G. Wodehouse]] novel, [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2607 "Psmith, Journalist"], which was serialized in ''The Captain'' magazine (1909-10) then published in book form (1915) and contains the following dialogue: ::"That's right," said Billy Windsor. "Of course." ::"Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary," murmured Psmith. * '''The end justifies the means.''' ** Often misattributed to [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavelli]]'s ''[[The Prince]]'', in which the idea appears, but not the phrase itself, and to many other writers who repeat this aphorism at least as old as [[Ovid]], ''Heroides'' (c. 10 BC): ''Exitus acta probat.'' See also: [[Means and ends]]. * '''"There's a sucker born every minute."''' ** While this is often attributed to [[w:P. T. Barnum|P. T. Barnum]], it seems to have been said by one of his competitors, commenting on one of Barnum's exhibits. ** See: [[w:There's a sucker born every minute|There's a sucker born every minute]] * '''On the whole, I would rather be in Philadelphia.''' ** Misattributed to [[W. C. Fields]] ** Actual quote: "Here Lies W. C. Fields: I would rather be living in Philadelphia." Presented as one of "A group of artists [writing] their own epitaphs" in a 1925 issue of ''Vanity Fair'', which may or may not have been written by the figures whose names appear with the epitaphs. ** In the movie ''[[My Little Chickadee]]'', Fields' character is about to be hanged. With the noose around his neck, he makes his last request to the lynching party. "I'd like to see Paris before I die." As the noose starts to tighten, he adds "Philadelphia will do!" **see Amory, Cleveland, and Bradlee, Frederic, ''Vanity Fair: Selections from America's Most Memorable Magazine, a Cavalcade of the 1920s and 1930s'', Viking Press, 1960, page 103. * '''"I invented the internet."''' ** Misattributed to [[w:Al Gore|Al Gore]]. ** In fact, Al Gore did not claim to have "invented" the internet. This is a distortion of statements in which Gore claims credit for his role within Congress in funding the internet's development. While popularized by Gore's political opponents as a quote from Gore, the initial use of the word "invented" in this context was by ''Wired News'' author Declan McCullagh, who in turn was paraphrasing House Majority Leader Armey's criticism of Gore's claims. The correct Gore quote from CNN's ''Late Edition'': "'''During my service in the United States Congress, ''I took the initiative in creating the Internet''. I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection, improvements in our educational system.'''" **{{cite web | last = Finkelstein | first = Seth | date = [[28 April]] [[2006]] | url = http://sethf.com/gore/ | title = Al Gore "invented the Internet" – resources | publisher = sethf.com | accessdate = 2011-6-16 }} * '''"Theirs but to do or die!"''' **This is a misstatement of a line from [[Tennyson]]'s "The Charge Of The Light Brigade", which actually says, "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do ''and'' die". **See [[w:The Charge of the Light Brigade (poem)]] * '''"Far from the maddening crowd"''' **This is a misstatement of a line from [[Thomas Gray]]'s poem "Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard" (1751): "Far from the ''madding'' crowd's ignoble strife, Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray." The line was later used by Thomas Hardy as the title of his novel "Far From The Madding Crowd". **See http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/134150.html * '''"{{w|With great power comes great responsibility}}."''' **This is often erroneously assumed to be the quote of Ben Parker dating back to the original [[Spider-Man]] origin story as depicted in 1962's ''[[Amazing Fantasy]]'' #15. This statement appears as a caption of narration in the last panel of the story and was not a spoken line by any character in the story. In most retellings of Spider-Man's origin, including the [[Spider-Man (film)|2002 film]], the quote has been [[retcon]]ned (the alteration of previously established facts in the continuity of a fictional work) to depict Uncle Ben's final lecture to Peter Parker before Ben's tragic death and as the words that continue to drive Peter as Spider-Man. **Also, the correct ''Amazing Fantasy'' quote is, "'''With great power there must also come great responsibility.'''" * '''"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it."''' ** Attributed to [[Leonard McCoy]] from the run of ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series]]'', but the phrase was never uttered. The similar phrase "not life as we know it" is spoken by Spock in the season one episode "The Devil in the Dark". The spurious phrase originated in the 1987 novelty song "[[w:Star Trekkin'|Star Trekkin']]", in which the quote is attributed to Spock. McCoy's line in the song was, "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!" ** See: ''The Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations'', 2007 edition (Oxford University Press), entry by Elizabeth Knowles; {{ISBN|978-0-19-920895-1}} * "'''We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us.'''" ** Alternative: "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." ** Alternative: "We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." ** Commonly misattributed to [[George Orwell]] without citation. Sometimes also misattributed to [[Winston Churchill]] without citation. ** Actual source: [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/11/07/rough-men/ Quote Investigator] found the earliest known appearance in a 1993 ''Washington Times'' essay by Richard Grenier: "As George Orwell pointed out, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." The absence of quotation marks indicates that Grenier was using his own words to convey his interpretation of Orwell's opinion, as seen in citations below. ** In his 1945 "Notes on Nationalism", Orwell wrote that pacifists cannot accept the statement "Those who 'abjure' violence can do so only because others are committing violence on their behalf.", despite it being "grossly obvious."[http://orwell.ru/library/essays/nationalism/english/e_nat "Notes on Nationalism"] ** In an essay on [[Rudyard Kipling]], Orwell cited Kipling's phrase "making mock of uniforms that guard you while you sleep" (Kipling, ''Tommy''), and further noted that Kipling's "grasp of function, of who protects whom, is very sound. He sees clearly that men can be highly civilized only while other men, inevitably less civilized, are there to guard and feed them." (1942) ** Similar phrase: "I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it." – [[Aaron Sorkin]] (''[[A Few Good Men]]'') *'''"Well-behaved women rarely make history."''' ** Often attributed to actress [[Marilyn Monroe]], the quote was actually written by [[w:Laurel Thatcher Ulrich|Laurel Thatcher Ulrich]], historian and professor at Harvard University. Thatcher Ulrich's original statement, "Well-behaved women seldom make history", appeared in an academic article published in 1976. The use of the phrase in her original article, which concerned well-behaved women commemorated in Puritan funeral sermons, was commenting on how the domestic, 'ordinary' lives of historical women has not been widely known or studied deeply by historians. ** See: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2007/09/ulrich-explains-that-well-behaved-women-should-make-history/ * '''"Well, that escalated quickly."''' ** Was said by Ron Burgundy following a fight with local anchormen. The correct quote is "Boy, that escalated quickly". **See: [[Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy]] * '''"Please, Sir, can I have some more?"''' ** Commonly thought to be said by ''[[Oliver Twist]]'' in the parish workhouse. The correct quote is "Please, Sir, I want some more". * "'''The harder he works, the luckier he gets.'''" ** Variations are frequently attributed to [[Donald Trump]] or his wife in interview, but the phrase originated with [[Samuel Goldwyn]] as "The harder ''I'' work, the luckier I get.", but he was believed to be paraphrasing the quote below. * "'''I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.'''" ** There is no record that this was said or written by [[Thomas Jefferson]]. [http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/i-am-great-believer-luckquotation]. Its first print appearance is by F. L. Emerson in 1947. * "'''Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99, wear sunscreen.'''" ** The [[w:Wear Sunscreen|Wear Sunscreen]] speech is regularly attributed to [[Kurt Vonnegut]] or [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]], but it was originally written in 1997 as a newspaper column by [[Mary Schmich]] as a semi-parodic "Guide to Life for Students". * "'''If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain.'''" ** Often attributed to the prophet [[Muhammad]] but there is no evidence that he actually said this. This phrase actually originates in a retelling of the story of Muhammad by [[Francis Bacon]] in 1625: "''Mahomet cald the Hill to come to him. And when the Hill stood still, he was neuer a whit abashed, but said; If the Hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet wil go to the Hill."'' ** The original phrase used the term "hill", but John Owen's 1643 translation used the term "mountain". This phrase is often misquoted due to widespread misunderstanding of the phrase's meaning. It does not refer to "going after opportunity instead of waiting for it to come to you". Its meaning translates, "If one's will does not prevail, one must submit to an alternative." * "'''A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money.'''" ** Attributed to [[Everett Dirksen]]. Dirksen occasionally used the phrase "a billion here, a billion there" in his speeches, but the latter appendage was apparently the work of a newspaper reporter. Dirksen noted that although he never said the whole comment, he liked the misquotation and never seriously objected to its misattribution. * "'''I will return and I will be millions.'''" ** This is often attributed to Eva Perón, and indeed is on her tombstone, but [https://books.google.com/books?id=ck6bXqt5shkC&pg=PA251 there is no record she said it]. The belief that she actually did is probably because she does in a José María Castiñeira de Dios poem written in her voice nearly ten years after her 1952 death. Túpac Katari, a leader of the Bolivian indigenous people's rebellion against Spanish rule, did in fact say something similar ("[https://books.google.com/books?id=aekDJE3NMcsC&pg=PA62 I shall die but return tomorrow multiplied ten thousandfold]") before his 1781 execution; more recently, a slave in Howard Fast's contemporary novel ''Spartacus'' says the line as he is being crucified and the line is repeated in the 1960 [[Stanley Kubrick]] film version. * "'''I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!'''" ** Attributed to [[Groucho Marx]]. According to urban legend, while interviewing Marion and Charlotte Story for a 1950 episode of ''[[w:You Bet Your Life|You Bet Your Life]]'', Marx uttered the phrase in response to Charlotte, who had mothered 20 children with her husband, saying how much she loved her husband. According to surviving recordings of the episode in question, Marx actually said "With each new kid, do you go around passing out cigars?" Although episodes of ''You Bet Your Life'' were known to be edited for content, Marx himself denied ever saying the more risqué phrase. **In another known episode with a child who was among 17 siblings, Groucho asked the girl what her father thought of having such a large family; when she responded that her father loves children, he replied "Well, I like pancakes, but I haven't got a closet full of them!" A conflation of this exchange with that of the Story family may have been the source of the more ribald misquotation. * "'''[[w:Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing|Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing.]]'''" ** [[Vince Lombardi]] always insisted he had never said this, although it is close to a line he did frequently repeat: "Winning isn't a sometime thing; it's an all the time thing." The actual line was spoken by former UCLA football coach Henry Russell "Red" Sanders. * "'''I cannot allow your ignorance, however great, to take precedence over my knowledge, however small.'''" ** Versions of this are attributed to [[William James]]. A version of this was apparently spoken by [[Leonard Bacon]], although the earliest known source is from 1898, seven years after Bacon's death, and there is significant variation between the wording of these and other early sources. Bacon's great-grandson confirms a version of this quotation in his own autobiography. The misattribution to James might originate, ironically, from the 1994 book Telling the Truth about History by Joyce Appleby, Lynn Hunt, & Margaret Jacob, p. 258. * "'''Good things come to those who wait.'''" ** English poet [[w:Violet Fane|Violet Fane]] originally stated "''All'' things come to he who waits (...) they come, but often come too late." The adage may have existed before Fane wrote it. ** It has been notably corrupted twice: first by Guinness beer in its best-known form, and by Heinz, a condiment company, as "The best things come to those who wait." * "'''I can't believe [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] won. I don't know anyone who voted for him.'''" ** Allegedly from film critic [[Pauline Kael]]. Kael did state in a December 1972 speech: "I live in a rather special world. I only know one person who voted for Nixon. Where they are I don't know. They're outside my ken." *"'''We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.'''" **Often presented as a line from the movie ''[[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]]''. Although consistent with the film's anti-consumerist philosophy, neither the quote nor any variation of it is ever uttered in the movie or the original novel. The original quote, "'''Spending money you don't have for things you don't need to impress people you don't like'''", is attributed to [[Walter Slezak]] was in the 4th June 1928 Detroit Free Press (thirty years before Slezak), where the American humorist and journalist Robert Quillen, though elements of the quote appeared earlier. In that column, he defined “Americanism” as “using money you haven’t earned to buy things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like.” **The novel does contain the line "A lot of young people try to impress the world and buy too many things", and at one point in the film the character played by Brad Pitt says "Working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need." **In the Internet age the quote has been adapted as "We post content that isn't ours for likes that aren't real to impress people we don't know." * "'''The British are coming'''" ** [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] did not shout this phrase which is attributed to him: his mission depended on secrecy, the countryside was filled with British army patrols, and most of the Massachusetts colonists (who were predominantly English in ethnic origin) still considered themselves British. Revere's warning, according to eyewitness accounts of the ride and Revere's own descriptions, was "The Regulars are coming out."<ref>{{cite book |ref= harv |last1= Revere |first1= Paul |others= Introduction by Edmund Morgan |year= 1961 |title= Paul Revere's Three Accounts of His Famous Ride |location= Boston |publisher= Massachusetts Historical Society |isbn=978-0-9619999-0-2 }}</ref> * '''The Shaggs are better than the Beatles.''' ** Popularly misattributed to musician and outsider music auteur [[Frank Zappa]]. The description of [[w:The Shaggs|The Shaggs]], a notoriously inept garage rock girl group from the 1960s, as being "better than the Beatles" was actually the work of [[Lester Bangs]]. Zappa did hold the group in high regard, despite not using the phrase.<ref name=newyorker2017>{{cite web|url=https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-shaggs-reunion-concert-was-unsettling-beautiful-eerie-and-will-probably-never-happen-again|title=The Shaggs Reunion Concert Was Unsettling, Beautiful, Eerie, and Will Probably Never Happen Again|first=Howard|last=Fishman|date=August 30, 2017|access-date=January 8, 2020}}</ref> * '''A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.''' ([[Samuel Goldwyn]]) ** One of many quirky Goldwynisms, this is a corruption of Goldwyn's actual quote praising a friend's trustworthy nature: "His verbal contract is worth more than the paper it's written on."<ref>Paul F. Boller, John George, ''They Never Said It'' (1990), pg. 42.</ref><ref>Carol Easton, ''The Search for Sam Goldwyn'' (1976).</ref> * '''Don't worry, be happy.''' ** Though [[Bob Marley]] had included similar sentiments in his own songs, particularly in "Three Little Birds," he never recorded the song by this name. The phrase itself was coined by [[Meher Baba]]; the song by that name was written and recorded by [[w:Bobby McFerrin|Bobby McFerrin]] six years after Marley's death. * '''Ladies and gentlemen, the Bronx is burning.''' ** Neither [[Howard Cosell]] nor [[w:Keith Jackson|Keith Jackson]] uttered this quote during their telecast of the [[w:1977 World Series|1977 World Series]]. The phrase "the Bronx is burning" originated five years earlier in an episode of ''[[w:Man Alive (British TV series)|Man Alive]]'' describing fiscal shortfalls at fire stations in the Bronx, then later misattributed to Cosell and Jackson after the World Series telecast, which featured footage of a school building burning in-between game action.<ref>{{cite web|last1=Flood|first1=Joe|title=Why the Bronx burned|url=https://nypost.com/2010/05/16/why-the-bronx-burned/|website=New York Post|publisher=NYP Holdings, INC.|date=16 May 2010|access-date=4 June 2016}}</ref> * '''Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.''' **Neither [[Elvis Costello]] nor [[Laurie Anderson]] originated this quote.<ref>{{cite magazine|date=March 2008|magazine=Q|title=50 Years of Great British Music, Elvis Costello Interview|page=67|quote=Oh, God! Can I ''please'' put in print that I didn't say that! [...] It still follows me around, that one. It's probably in some book of quotations credited to me.}}</ref><ref>{{cite news |title=Getting in tune with life's bigger questions |url=https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/art-and-design/getting-in-tune-with-lifes-bigger-questions-20040820-gdjl2e.html |work=[[The Sydney Morning Herald]] |date=August 20, 2004 |quote=Elvis Costello famously quipped that writing about music is like dancing about architecture.}}</ref><ref name="Keyes">{{cite book |last1=Keyes |first1=Ralph |title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When |date=2007 |publisher=St. Martin's |isbn=9781429906173 |page=256 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&pg=PA256}}</ref> Variations of the quote have appeared in print since as early as 1918 and attributed to several different people.<ref>{{cite web |last1=Dubner |first1=Steven J. |title=Quotes Uncovered: Dancing About Architecture |url=https://freakonomics.com/2010/12/quotes-uncovered-dancing-about-architecture/ |website=[[Freakonomics Radio|Freakonomics]] |date=December 30, 2010}}</ref> == Unsourced, unverified, or other best guesses== :''These may not necessarily be misquotations but [[wiktionary:catchphrase|catchphrases]] from popular culture, whose formation required slight alterations to put them into context and make them [[wiktionary:memorable|memorable]].'' *'''"A house that has a library in it has a soul."''' **Attributed to Plato by [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] in "The Liberty Of All" (1877), but it does not appear in Plato's writings. *'''"Hell is the truth seen too late."''' **Attributed to Thomas Hobbes in Leviathan, but it is not there. *'''"No rest for the wicked."''' **Probably a corruption of Isaiah 57:21: "There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked." *'''"[[w:Lies, damned lies and statistics|Lies, damned lies and statistics]]"''' **Popularized by Mark Twain in 1906, he mistakenly attributed the phrase to Benjamin Disraeli. A variant of the phrase, which divided witnesses into "liars, damned liars and experts," is first noted in late 1885, with the phrase in its best-known form, used instead to describe categories of falsehoods, in common parlance by 1891. There survives no clear evidence as to who coined the phrase in either form. *'''"[[w:For sale: baby shoes, never worn|For sale: baby shoes, never worn]]."''' **This six-word piece of flash fiction was only attributed to [[Ernest Hemingway]] decades after he died. The earliest reference to a similar phrase, in a nonfiction work (a newspaper reporting the death of a young child in 1910), notes: "Baby's handmade trousers and baby's bed for sale. Never been used." *'''"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."''' **A quote allegedly made by Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto regarding the 1941 [[attack on Pearl Harbor|attack on Pearl Harbor]], first used in the 1970 film ''[[Tora! Tora! Tora!|Tora! Tora! Tora!]]'' and again in the 2001 film ''[[Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]]''. While this quote may have encapsulated his sentiments regarding the attack, there is no printed evidence to prove Yamamoto made this statement or wrote it down. *'''"Mate, how does it feel to have dropped the World Cup?"''' **Allegedly by [[w:Steve Waugh|Steve Waugh]] to [[w:Herschelle Gibbs|Herschelle Gibbs]] when Gibbs dropped a now infamous catch that eventually assisted in South Africa being knocked out of the 1999 Cricket World Cup. Although some Australian cricketers claim they heard this exchange, Waugh himself denies it was said. *'''"Because it's there"''' **[[George Mallory]] on why he wanted to climb Mount Everest. Questions have been raised about the authenticity of this quote. It may have been invented by a newspaper reporter. *"'''It's a funny old game'''" **[[w:Jimmy Greaves|Jimmy Greaves]]' autobiography ''Greavsie'' insists that, despite this quote regularly being attributed to him, he has never used it. The misquotation may arise from a trailer for the Central Television programme ''[[w:Spitting Image|Spitting Image]]'' during the mid-1980s. * "'''Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely."''' ** This misquote hearkens back to the British [[Lord Acton]], a 19th century English historian who was commenting about tyrannical monarchs (Caesar, Henry VIII, Napoleon, various Russian tsars, etc.). Lord Acton actually wrote: "Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." * "'''Beam me up, Scotty'''" – [[w:James T. Kirk|James T. Kirk]] ** From the ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series#Common misquotations|Star Trek]]'' [[w:Science fiction on television|science fiction television]] series. Several variants of this occur in the series, such as "Energize", "Beam me aboard," "Beam us up home," or "Two to beam up," but "Beam me up, Scotty" was never said during the run of the original ''Star Trek'' series. However, the quote "Beam us up, Scotty" was uttered in ''[[Star Trek: The Animated Series#Captain James T. Kirk|Star Trek: The Animated Series]]''. The movie ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home#Dialogue|Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' included the closest other variation: "Scotty, beam me up." [[w:James Doohan|James Doohan]], the actor who played Scotty, chose this phrase as the title of his 1996 autobiography. *"'''Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a...'''" – [[w:Leonard McCoy|Leonard McCoy]] ** From the ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series#Common misquotations|Star Trek]]'' [[w:Science fiction on television|science fiction television]] series. McCoy had several lines of this sort, except that he never said "damn it". Only one "swear word" was used on the original ''Star Trek'' series (before the movies): "hell". It was most famously spoken at the end of the episode entitled "City on the Edge of Forever": "Let's get the hell out of here" – J. T. Kirk. The phrase, complete with "damn it" probably originated from Dan Ackroyd's Dr. McCoy impersonation during a skit on ''Saturday Night Live'' season 1 episode 22; although McCoy did eventually end up saying, "Damn it, Jim" in ''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan'', followed directly by, "what the hell's the matter with you?" ** Used in ''Star Trek'' (2009). * "'''All that glistens is not gold'''" / "'''All that glitters is not gold'''" – [[William Shakespeare]] ** Correct quote: "All that glisters is not gold". Often (usually) misquoted. ** Spoken by the Prince of Morocco in ''The Merchant of Venice'' ** In the opening verse to Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" quotes "There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold." ** The line "All that is gold does not glitter" is the opening of a poem in "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring", referring to the character Aragorn, who "looks foul and feels fair". ** In the chorus of the Smash Mouth song "All Star" can be found the phrase "All that glitters is gold". * "'''Blood, Sweat, and Tears'''" – [[Winston Churchill]] ** Correct quote: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat." ** The quote appeared in the book ''Metropolis'', written by Thea von Harbou (wife of ''[[wikipedia:Metropolis_%281927_film%29|Metropolis]]'' director [[wikipedia:Fritz Lang|Fritz Lang]]), first published in [[wikipedia:1926|1926]]. The text, describing Freder Fredersen as he has just finished his first day working to keep the machines of Metropolis alive, states, "He tasted a salty taste on his lips, and did not know if it was from blood, sweat, or tears." **Notes: A similar quote from Winston Churchill can be found in a recorded speech he gave to the House of Commons where he says " I have never promised anything but blood, sweat and tears, now however we have a new experience. We have victory. a..a remarkable victory. A bright gleam has caught the helmets of our soldiers and warmed and cheered all our hearts." ** The song from the movie ''The Longest Day'' says: " [...] Filled with hopes and filled with fears. Filled with blood and sweat and tears [...]" ** ''Blood, Sweat and Tears'' is the name of the 1963 album from Johnny Cash, which inspired the name for the music group formed in 1967, and may be the source of confusion. ** ''Blood, Sweat and Tears'' is a song from South Korean boy group BTS, released in 2016. *"'''God helps those who help themselves.'''" ** The saying is not Biblical, but it is an ancient proverb that shows up in the literature of many cultures, including a 1736 edition of [[Benjamin Franklin]]'s ''Poor Richard's Almanac''. "There is a Rabbinic saying: "One who comes to be purified is helped." which is quite similar. **This is more or less identical to the message in one of the Aesop's fables, about a man praying to Hercules--the fable "Heracles and the Driver" The moral to this fable is "The gods help those who help themselves" This is a likely origin as the fable is well known and the moral is the closest to the actual phrase. **The saying is also found in [[Xenophon]]'s masterpiece about Cyrus, ''Cyropaedia''. **Pretty much the motto on the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coat_of_arms_of_Huddersfield coat of arms of Huddersfield], England 'Juvat impigros deus'. Strictly speaking, God helps the industrious, but locally translated as "God helps those who help themselves". **This is similar to the Quranic quote "...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves..." in Surat Al-Ra'd verse 11. *"'''Lead on, Macduff'''" ** Correct quote: "Lay on, Macduff, and damned be him who first cries 'Hold! enough!'" – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[Macbeth]]'') ** Use of "Lead on, Macduff" is documented as early as 1855. [http://www.historyhouse.co.uk/articles/macbeth.html] * "'''Bubble bubble, toil and trouble'''." ** Correct quote: "Double, double toil and trouble." – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[Macbeth]]'') **"Bubble bubble" was popularized in the hit Disney cartoon ''[[DuckTales]]'' – "Much Ado About Scrooge." The witches on the island chanted "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. Leave this island on the double." Here, the words from the ''Macbeth'' rhyming scheme are reversed. * "'''Methinks the lady doth protest too much'''" ** Correct quote: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[Hamlet]]'') **This quote comes from ''Hamlet'', Act 3, scene 2, line 254 (line accuracy may differ in varying versions of the play). During the time of Shakespeare, the word "protest" meant "vow" or "declare solemnly" rather than "deny". In this manner, Gertrude is making a comment about the Player Queen's overzealous attachment to the Player King rather than a denial of guilt. The quote is Gertrude's response to Hamlet's asking her if she is enjoying the play. * "'''Money is the root of all evil'''." ** In context: "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." ([[s:Bible_(King_James)/1_Timothy#6:10|1 Timothy 6:10]]) [[s:Bible (King James)|KJV]] (''The King James Bible'') ** Many translations render what the KJV renders as "the root" (originally ῥίζα) as "a root" or "at the root" and "all evil" (πᾶς κακός) as "all sorts of evil" or "all kinds of evil". (See also translations in [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20timothy%206:10&version=31 New International Version], [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20timothy%206:10&version=49 ''New American Standard Bible''], [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20timothy%206:10&version=51 ''New Living Translation''].) All translations agree that it is the love of money, rather than money itself, that is associated with evil. * "'''Now is the winter of our discontent'''." ** In context: "Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this son of York." – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[William Shakespeare#Richard III|Richard III]]'') ** Notes: This is not a misquotation but a selective quotation, because the grammar of the quotation is different from the grammar of the original, and hence the meaning may be lost on some. As misquoted, ''is'' is the main verb, and the phrase means, "The winter of our discontent is happening now." In the full quote, ''is'' is an auxiliary verb and might be rephrased according to modern usage, to clarify the meaning: "Now the winter of our discontent is made into a glorious summer by this sun of York." (This ''sun'' of York and not ''son'', a punning reference to the coat of arms of Edward IV.) * "'''Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well'''." ** Correct quote: "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio – a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[Hamlet]]'', Act V, Scene I) * "'''Play it again, Sam'''" ** Actual quote: "Play it once, Sam, for old times' sake, play 'As Time Goes By'." – [[Ingrid Bergman]] (''Casablanca'') ** Actual quote: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. ... If ''she'' can stand to listen to it, ''I'' can. Play it." – [[Humphrey Bogart]] (''Casablanca'') ** The line first occurred in the Marx Brothers' film ''A Night in Casablanca'' (1946), a possible source of the misquotation. * "'''I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille'''" **Actual quote: "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up" [[Gloria Swanson]] (''Sunset Boulevard'') * "'''Greed is good'''" ** Actual quote: "The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works." – [[w:Gordon_Gekko|Gordon Gekko]] (''Wall Street'') * "'''Someone set us up the bomb'''" ** Correct quote: "Somebody set ''up us'' the bomb" ** The spoken words are "Someone set us up the bomb" in the [http://allyourbase.planettribes.gamespy.com/video1.shtml flash animation], which made the phenomenon popular. ** "somebody set up us the bomb" is a cheat code in ''Empire Earth'' to win the game automatically. ** Notes: From a Japanese video game, ''[[Zero Wing]]'', with a very unskilled and amusing English translation. The original Japanese - ''nanimonoka niyotte bakuhatsubutsu ga shikakerareta youdesu'' - is natural and unbroken, although it conveys much greater uncertainty about what has happened. Similar to "[[wikipedia:All your base are belong to us|all your base are belong to us]]", which occurs in the same game. * "'''The rest is science'''" ** Correct quote: "The rest is silence" – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[Hamlet]]'') ** Notes: This phrase may also be used as a play on words, or even plain prose, as when Steve Swallow, the jazz musician, said about jazz composition, "Eventually, an idea always comes, and then the rest is science". * "'''To gild the lily'''" ** Correct quote: "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily" – [[William Shakespeare]] (''[[King John#Act IV|The Life and Death of King John]]'', Act IV, Scene II, line 13) (Shakespeare was himself playing with the Biblical story that says that one does not need to add to what God has already done for the lily (Matt 6:28) "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these".) * "'''Why don't you come up and see me sometime?'''" ** Correct quote: "Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I'm home every evening". – [[Mae West]] (''[[She Done Him Wrong]]'') ** She switched the word order in her next film, ''[[I'm No Angel]]'', where she says, "Come up and see me sometime", without the "Why don't you". ** A mechanical mouse in a [[Tom and Jerry]] cartoon repeated, "Come up and see me sometime". *"'''I am not a crook'''" – [[Richard Nixon]] ** Often attributed to his denial of any foreknowledge of the [[w:Watergate_scandal|Watergate]] break-in, when, in fact, the question raised in a Press Conference was about his personal finances. Nixon's response, properly worded, was: "And I think, too, that I can say that in my years of public life, that I welcome this kind of examination because people have gotta know whether or not their President's a crook. Well, I'm ''not'' a crook. I've earned everything I've got". * "'''You dirty rat!'''" ** Never said by [[James Cagney]] in any film. However, in ''Blonde Crazy'' (1931) he says that another character is a "dirty, double-crossing rat!" ** In [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/''Taxi! Taxi!''](1932) James Cagney is ready to kill a man who killed his brother, (hence the full misquote in ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'', "You dirty rat, you killed my brother") and says, "Come out and take it, ''you dirty yellow-bellied rat'', or I'll give it to you through the door!" This would be the closest true quotation in context and wording. ** Also quoted in the 1934 [[Cole Porter]] musical ''[[Anything Goes]]'' ** Also quoted in the 1990 movie ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' by the character [[Michelangelo]] in an attempt to impersonate [[James Cagney]] * "'''The only traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy and the lash'''." ** [[Winston Churchill]]'s personal secretary, Anthony Montague-Browne, said that although Churchill did not say this, he wished he had. * "'''A language is a dialect with a navy'''." ** Original (in [[Yiddish]]): "אַ שפּראַך איז אַ דיאַלעקט מיט אַן אַרמיי און פֿלאָט„ (''A shprakh iz a dialekt mit an armey un flot'') – "[[w:A language is a dialect with an army and navy|A language is a dialect with an army and navy]]". ** This was not said by [[Otto von Bismarck]] but rather by the linguist [[w:Max Weinreich|Max Weinreich]]. * "'''The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality'''", ''or a variation on that''. ** This was stated by John F. Kennedy and attributed by him to [[w:Dante|Dante]] [http://www.bartleby.com/73/1211.html]. However, in the ''[[w:Divine Comedy|Divine Comedy]]'' those who "non furon ribelli né fur fedeli" &mdash; neither rebelled against nor were faithful to God &mdash; are located directly inside the gate of Hell, a region neither hot nor cold (''Inferno'', canto 3); the ''lowest'' part of Hell, a frigid lake of ice, was for traitors. *"'''A damn close run thing'''" – [[Arthur Wellesley]], the 1st Duke of Wellington, referring to his victory over [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]] at Waterloo. **He actually said, "It has been a damn nice thing-the nearest run thing you ever [[see|saw]]..." with ''nice'' in the archaic meaning of "careful or precise" and not the modern "attractive or agreeable" or the even more archaic meaning of "foolish". *"'''Do you feel lucky, punk?'''" – [[Clint Eastwood]] as Harry Callahan in ''[[Dirty Harry]]'' **Correct quote plus context: "Ah-ah. I know what you're thinking: 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But, being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, PUNK?" **Jim Carrey's character in ''The Mask'' came closer to the correct quote: "Now you have to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well... do ya... PUNKS?" <div id="revolver"> *"'''Whenever I hear the word 'culture' I reach for my revolver.'''" **The actual quote is "Wenn ich Kultur höre ... entsichere ich meinen Browning!" This translates as: "Whenever I hear [the word] 'culture'... I remove the safety from my Browning!" **This quote is often mistakenly attributed to leading Nazi [[Hermann Göring]], or occasionally to [[w:Julius Streicher|Julius Streicher]], a lower-ranking Nazi. This misattribution may date from the famous [[w:Frank Capra|Frank Capra]] documentaries (Why We Fight) shown to American troops before shipping out. **In fact, it is a line uttered by the character Thiemann in Act 1, Scene 1 of the play ''Schlageter,'' written by [[w:Hanns Johst|Hanns Johst]]. The association with Nazism '''''is''''' appropriate, as the play was first performed in April 1933, in honor of [[Hitler]]'s birthday. **Baldur von Schirach, head of the Hitlerjugend, delivered this sentence in a public speech, circa 1938. A footage of the scene, with von Schirach actually drawing his gun, appears in Frederic Rossif's documentary ''from Nürnberg to Nürnberg''. **Notes: It is possible that this is actually a rather more felicitous phrase in translation than it is in the original. Both the original German and this English translation were juxtaposed by Howard Thomas in his review of an article by Nicholas H. Battey in the ''Journal of Experimental Biology'', December 2002, as "the famous words of Hanns Johst: 'Wenn ich Kultur höre ... entsichere ich meinen Browning' – 'Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver.'" **The phrase itself may be a play on words as the word Browning may refer to both a pistol and the English poet [[w:Robert Browning|Robert Browning]]. **Additionally it should be noted that a Browning (most likely the M1935 High-Power) is not a revolver, but a magazine-fed semi-automatic pistol. However, at the time, the word "Browning" was used to refer to any pistol, much as "Colt" is used for any revolver in westerns. </div> *"'''Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'''" **The correct quotation is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." by [[William Congreve]] in ''The Mourning Bride'' of 1697. *"'''Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.'''" **This quotation is usually attributed to Andrew Jackson at the [[w:Battle of New Orleans|Battle of New Orleans]]. **In fact, it originates with Colonel [[William Prescott]] commander of George Washington's Continental Army, at the [[w:Battle of Bunker Hill|Battle of Bunker Hill]]. The full quotation is, "Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes. Then, '''''fire low!"''''' **Source: ''George Washington's War'' by [[w:Robert Leckie (author)|Robert Leckie]] * "'''Houston, we have a problem'''" **<p>This phrase, supposedly uttered by [[Apollo 13]] commander, [[w:Jim Lovell|Jim Lovell]] was, in its original rendering: "Houston, we've had a problem. We've had a main B bus undervolt." However, the first notification to Houston that there was a problem was by fellow astronaut [[w:Jack Swigert|Jack Swigert]], who used almost identical words. The official NASA chronology [http://www.hq.nasa.gov/office/pao/History/Timeline/apollo13chron.html] lists the messages as:</p><p>55:55:20 – Swigert: "Okay, Houston, we've had a problem here." </p><p>55:55:28 – Lousma: "This is Houston. Say again please." </p><p>55:55:35 – Lovell: "Houston, we've had a problem. We've had a main B bus undervolt."</p> **However, in the movie '''Apollo 13''', Tom Hanks says '''Houston, we have a problem,'''. [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112384/quotes?qt0476805] * "'''Kismet Hardy / Kiss me, Hardy'''" – British Vice Admiral [[Horatio Nelson]] **Nelson is rumoured to have said "Kismet Hardy" or "Kiss me, Hardy" whilst he was dying. Kismet means Fate. However, the OED gives the earliest use in the English language of "kismet" as 1849. On his deathbed, Nelson said ''Kiss me, Hardy'' to his Flag Captain, Thomas Masterman Hardy, but they were not his final words, and Hardy was not present at Nelson's death. Nelson's actual final words (related by HMS ''Victory'''s Surgeon William Beatty, who was with him when he died) were "Thank God, I have done my duty. Drink, drink. Fan, fan. Rub, rub". * "'''The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing'''" – [[Edmund Burke]] **Probably a succinct paraphrase of a remark known to have been made by the Utilitarian philosopher [[John Stuart Mill]], in an [http://books.google.com/books?id=DFNAAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA36&dq=%22Bad+men+need+nothing+more+to+compass+their+ends,+than+that+good+men+should+look+on+and+do+nothing%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=RUh5U6qWBLSysQT0vYGAAw&ved=0CEEQ6AEwBA#v=onepage&q=%22Bad%20men%20need%20nothing%20more%20to%20compass%20their%20ends%2C%20than%20that%20good%20men%20should%20look%20on%20and%20do%20nothing%22&f=false address at the University of St. Andrew (1 February 1867)] : '''Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.''' **Similar in meaning to the following quote in Burke's "Thoughts on the Cause of Present Discontents": "When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." ** Also attributed to [[Alexis de Tocqueville]]. * "'''We don't need no steenking badges!'''" – Bandit in ''[[The Treasure of the Sierra Madre]]'' **The original quote is "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!" <!-- made minor grammar change to the previous line by changing 'correct' to 'original' --> **This quote is actually from the film ''Blazing Saddles'', in an obvious spoof of the original source. ***When the newly recruited Mexican Bandits are presented badges for their participation in the upcoming raid on the town of Rock Ridge, the leader responds with: "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges." <!-- I confirmed this quote on the IMDb (Internet Movie Database), and it is listed under their "Memorable Quotes from Blazing Saddles" page, which is at the following address: --> <!-- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071230/quotes --> **The line was again misquoted in the movie ''[[w:The Ninth Configuration|The Ninth Configuration]]'', in which a group of mental patients spend their time playing a game called "Famous Lines from Famous Movies" where one person quotes a line and the rest must identify the movie. **This is also quoted in the [[Weird Al Yankovic]] film ''[[UHF]]'', with 'badges' replaced with 'badgers'. **A variant of this line is used by the Decepticon, [[w:Starscream|Starscream]], in the ''[[Transformers]]'' episode "Ghost in the Machine", in which he says, "Passes? We don't need to show you no stinking passes!" * "'''Spare the rod, spoil the child'''" ** There are numerous proverbs dealing with the subject of discipline in child rearing, but this is the closest: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." – [[Bible]] (King James Version), Proverbs 13:24 ** This quote can be found in "Hudibras" by Samuel Butler, a poem in the 1600s * "'''Crisis? What crisis?'''" – British Prime Minister [[James Callaghan]] ** This was a headline from ''[[The Sun (United Kingdom)|The Sun]]'' newspaper (11 January 1979) referring to Callaghan's reply at an improvised press conference. Asked "What is your general approach, in view of the mounting chaos in the country at the moment?", Callaghan replied "Well, that's a judgment that you are making. I promise you that if you look at it from outside, and perhaps you're taking rather a parochial view at the moment, I don't think that other people in the world would share the view that there is mounting chaos." * "'''Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.'''" ** This quote is often attributed to [[Sigmund Freud]] to show that even that a famous psychoanalyst can admit that not everything has a profound meaning; however, no variation of this quote ever appears in his writings. It appears to have been falsely attributed to him several years after his death.[http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/08/12/just-a-cigar/] ** An alternative from Rudyard Kipling, from his poem "The Betrothed": <blockquote> :"A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke; :And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke." </blockquote> * "'''Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words.'''" ** Often attributed to [[Francis of Assisi]], the origin of this quote is unknown. * "'''Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.'''" ** Often attributed to [[Winston Churchill]] ([http://www.winstonchurchill.org/learn/speeches/quotations/quotes-falsely-attributed]). The phrase originated with [[François Guizot]] (1787-1874): "Not to be a republican at twenty is proof of want of heart; to be one at thirty is proof of want of head." It was revived by French Premier [[Georges Clemenceau]] (1841-1929): "Not to be a socialist at twenty is proof of want of heart; to be one at thirty is proof of want of head." ** Referenced in ''[[Swimming with Sharks]]'' (1994) as "if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you've got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains." * "'''I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a beer.'''" ** Correctly, according to the book [[w:light my fire (book)|''Light My Fire'']] by fellow Doors member [[w:Ray Manzarek|Ray Manzarek]], [[Jim Morrison]] was in fact singing "I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a '''beard'''", as the song allegedly tells of [[Jim Morrison|Morrison]] waking up after 3 weeks of [[wiktionary:narcotics|drug]]-induced sleep. ** The line "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer" was inspired by [[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]. He and Morrison were talking at the recording studio just before Jim went to record this song. He asked Alice about his day and he responded "Ehh.. Woke up this morning.... got myself a beer." Morrison decided to use the line in the song. Repeated in many interviews with Alice Cooper over the years. [http://www.uncut.co.uk/news/the_doors/news/11838] *'''Let them eat cake.''' ** This was never said by [[w:Marie Antoinette|Marie Antoinette]]. [[w:Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], in his 1783 autobiography ''Confessions'', relates that "a great princess" is said to have advised, with regard to starving peasants, "S'ils n'ont plus de pain, qu'ils mangent de la brioche," commonly translated as "If they have no bread, let them eat cake!" It has been speculated that he was actually referring to Maria Theresa of Spain. (Rousseau's manuscript was written in 1767, when Marie Antoinette was only 12 and would not marry the future Louis XVI for another three years.) *'''You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!''' ** While [[w:Jack Nicholson|Jack Nicholson]] indeed says the second part of this line in the film ''[[A Few Good Men]]'', the correct dialogue sequence is: "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't ''handle'' the truth!" Cruise's character, in response to being asked if he wants answers, responds that he thinks he is entitled; asked again if he wants answers, Cruise states that he wants the truth. This sets off the monologue from Nicholson that begins with "You can't ''handle'' the truth!" This misquotation is commonly used in parodies of the scene, including twice on ''[[The Simpsons]]''. *'''Hello, Clarice.''' ** This line, while occasionally used in parodies of the film ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'', was never once used in the film itself. However, Anthony Hopkins's character, [[w:Hannibal Lecter|Hannibal Lecter]], ''does'' at one point utter a similar phrase of "Good evening, Clarice." On the other hand in the sequel ''[[Hannibal (film)|Hannibal]]'', when the doctor answers Detective Pazzi's cell phone, just before he pushes him off the library balcony, Dr. Lecter greets Agent Starling with the following, "Is this Clarice? Well, hello Clarice..." *'''Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into''' ** Attributed to [[w:Oliver Hardy|Oliver Hardy]], and often said after another one of [[w:Stan Laurel|Stan Laurel]]'s mistakes. **The actual quote was "Well, here's another '''nice''' mess you've gotten me into!", which was said in the 1930's short ''[[w:The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case|The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case]]'', but there were several variations in subsequent films. The short, which followed ''The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case'', was ''[[w:Another Fine Mess|Another Fine Mess]]'', which is presumably the source. ** Ray Stevens later recorded a song that quoted "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into / another fine mess, ah well, what else is new." ** Actually, first written by W. S. Gilbert in the 1885 operetta, "The Mikado" ([https://archive.org/details/mikadolibrettoof00sulluoft/page/36 libretto], see act II, 1st dialogue line after the song "See how the Fates their gifts allot"). The original line is "Well, a nice mess you've got us into, ..." spoken by the character Ko-Ko to Pooh-Bah, in reaction to a lie the two of them, and another character, have told to get out of trouble, but which has resulted in them getting into even more. The ubiquitous popularity of some of Gilbert & Sullivan's works (specifically "The Mikado" and "HMS Pinafore") has led to any number of phrases from their operettas entering into the common lexicon, frequently no longer recognized as quotes (see [https://www.gsarchive.net/mikado/html/mikado_by_mencken.html this review] by H. L. Mencken of the Baltimore Evening Sun, November 29, 1910, or [https://gsarchive.net/pinafore/html/pinafore_by_mencken.html this one], same journalist, same paper, 1911). *'''I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole court's out of order!''' **Actual quote: ''"You're'' out of order! ''You're'' out of order! The whole ''trial'' is out of order! '''''They're''''' out of order!" **Character of Arthur Kirkland in ''[[...And Justice for All (film)|...And Justice for All]]'' in response to Judge Rayford saying "Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order." * '''I am the devil, and I have come to do the devil's work.''' ** Usually misattributed to [[Charles Manson]], in regard to the murders at the home of Sharon Tate. Manson was not present at any of the murders known to have been committed by his followers. The actual phrase, though not as said above, was uttered by [[w:Charles "Tex" Watson|Charles "Tex" Watson]] to Wojciech "Voytek" Frykowski. ** "I'm the devil, and I'm here to do the devil's work" is spoken by the character Otis ([[w:Bill Moseley|Bill Moseley]]) in [[Rob Zombie]]'s film ''[[The Devil's Rejects]]'', most likely as a tribute or homage of some kind to the original quote. ** Actual quote: "I'm the devil, I'm here to do the devil's ''business.'' Give me all your money." * '''Music hath/has charms to soothe the savage beast.''' ** A misquotation of William Congreve's play, ''The Mourning Bride'', (1697). ** Actual quote: "Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast. To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak." ** See Wikipedia listing for [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Congreve_(playwright)#.22Music_hath_charms_to_soothe_a_savage_breast.22 William Congreve] * '''Only the Dead have seen the end of War.''' ** Attributed to Plato, but actually written by George Santayana in his ''The Life of Reason'' (1953). It was first misquoted in one of retired general Douglas MacArthur's farewell speeches and then crept into popular use. *''' "A rose by any other name smells just as sweet."''' ** Actual quote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet." ** Act II, scene ii of William Shakespeare's ''Romeo and Juliet'' ** Captain Kirk misquotes the line in the original ''Star Trek'' series episode "By Any Other Name". *'''Where art thou Romeo?''' **The correct line (with context) is: "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?/Deny thy father and refuse thy name./Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,/And I'll no longer be a Capulet." Juliet is not asking ''where'' Romeo is, she is asking ''why'' he is called Romeo. **Act II, scene ii of the original Shakespeare ** Romeo's last name, Montague, means he is supposed to be bitter enemies with Juliet's family, the Capulets and so Juliet is asking him to renounce his name. *''' "If you build it, they will come"''' ** Actual quote: "If you build it, he will come" from ''[[w:Field of Dreams|Field of Dreams]]''. ** Possibly a confusion of the ''Wayne's World 2'' quote "If you book them, they will come." Said by the spirit of Jim Morrison. *''' "'Step into my parlor,' said the spider to the fly."''' ** Actual quote: "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly" from "[[w:The Spider and the Fly (poem)|The Spider and the Fly]]". ** Also referenced on the song "Spider to the Fly" by the Paper Chase *'''"Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think"''' ** Actual quote: "Brain: An apparatus with which we think that we think" from [[Ambrose Bierce]]'s ''[[The Devil's Dictionary]]'' * '''"Nul points"''' ** The French phrase is often attributed to the annual [[w:Eurovision Song Contest|''Eurovision Song Contest'']] in the media and elsewhere, most notably in the episode of ''[[Father Ted]]'', "[[w:Song for Europe (Father Ted)|Song for Europe]]". However, only points from one to twelve (''un – douze'') are given during the song contest. The phrase refers to the final score after a country has received no votes at all. * "'''Mirror, mirror, on the wall...'''" – The Queen in ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' **There is no correct source for this quotation, because it originates in a folk tale, and therefore by definition has no author and no known source. The 1937 film has "Magic mirror on the wall" (followed by "who is the fairest one of all?" and, later in the film, "who ''now'' is the fairest one of all?"). The Grimms' version of the story has "Spieglein, Spieglein, an der Wand, Wer ist die Schönste im ganzen Land?" (literally: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most beautiful in the whole country?") – but of course the Snow White story existed before the Grimms collected it. * "'''Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman, Be him alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread.'''" **Should this be quoting from [[Joseph Jacobs]]' ''English Fairy Tales'' it should say "Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of Englishman, Be him alive or be he dead, I'll have his bones to grind my bread." <div id="IamYourFather"> * '''Luke, I am Your Father''' – [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] in ''Star Wars Episode V: [[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' **The correct quote is: ***Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. ***Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! ***Darth Vader: '''No. ''I'' am your father.''' ***Luke Skywalker: No... that's not true! That's impossible! *'''Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.''' **A misquotation from the poem "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]] (1834). **Actual quote: Water, water, every where, / And all the boards did shrink; / Water, water, every where, / Nor any drop to drink. *'''"Brace yourself, winter is coming"''' **Attributed to Eddard (Ned) Stark (a character from George R. R. Martin's book series 'A Song of Ice and Fire'), but never in the series does he say the two phrases sequentially. * '''"And I'd have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!"''' ** Commonly attributed to various [[Scooby-Doo]] villains after being apprehended and unmasked at the end of the mystery. ** This quote is a pastiche of the various lines delivered by villains. Some villains would come close to uttering the line but would substitute "meddlers" or "blasted kids" or some variation. Some villains would use the "meddling kids" part but only a part of the rest of the line. Many villains remained silent upon arrest. ** Frequent use of such a quote first began to appear in ''A Pup Named Scooby-Doo'', where in almost every episode, the villains being arrested would say it, but refer to the gang as "pesky kids," rather than meddling. The "meddling" variation did begin to get used (and parodied) frequently in newer productions such as the direct-to-video movies, ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'' and ''Scooby-Doo, Mystery Incorporated'', including commercials such as Direct TV. * '''"There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way."''' ** Commonly attributed to Buddha, but not said by him. The source is likely to be either modern Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, or Calvinist clergyman Abraham Johannes Muste. The phrase appears in Thich Nhat Hanh's writings; but it also appears in a volume of US Senate hearings from 1948, when Thich Nhat Hanh had not yet been ordained as a monk. Muste is known to have used a variant of the phrase – "'peace' is the way" in 1967, but this was not the first time he had used it, and he had a connection with the 1948 hearing. (Citation is at fakebuddhaquotes.com/there-is-no-path-to-happiness-happiness-is-the-path/) * ''"'''Eppur Si Muove (And Yet it Moves''')."'' ** While attributed to Galileo during his trial with the Inquisition, there is no actual evidence to support the claim that he actually made this statement. * '''"Lights, Camera, Action."''' ** Has never actually been used as a standard cadence in film-making. The call of "lights" would refer to burning lights, which had to actually be prepared, and then lit to function, and they would be irrelevant in modern times. There is no evidence that a call of "camera" was ever used at all: the call from the camera operator would be "speed", indicating that the film in the camera had reached the correct speed for filming. * '''"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"''' **Said by Neil Armstrong while walking on the moon. **Due to static interference during transmission Armstrong's message was misinterpreted and consequently has been misquoted. Armstrong actually said, "That's one small step for '''''a''''' man, one giant leap for mankind." * '''"640k ought to be enough for anyone."''' ** There is no reference to this ever being said by [[Bill Gates]] [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/09/08/640k-enough/]. The earliest reference to Gates saying something like this appeared in the 1985 (not 1981) issue of ''InfoWorld'' magazine, and was regretful of the past rather than predictive of the future: "When we set the upper limit of PC-DOS at 640K, we thought nobody would ever need that much memory." Even this was without a precise reference and not part of an interview. The quote bears similarity to one by [[Bob Newhart]]: "Later, I moved up to the 64 KB model (referring to the [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]] personal computer) and thought that was silly because it was more memory than I would ever possibly need."<ref name="colker20010809">{{cite news | url=http://articles.latimes.com/2001/aug/09/news/tt-32244 | title=Happy Birthday PC! | work=Los Angeles Times | date=2001-08-09 | accessdate=9 January 2015 | author=Colker, David}}</ref> * '''"Do you want to play a game?"''' ** Does not appear in any of the ''[[Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' film series. Jigsaw's catchline is "''I'' want to play a game." ** The question "Shall we play a game?" is said by the computer in the movie ''[[w:WarGames|WarGames]]''. * '''Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.''' **This may be the most famous aviation quote that is not verifiable. It is attributed everywhere (including in some Smithsonian publications and the ''Washington Post'') to Leonardo da Vinci. The probable author is [[w:John H. Secondari|John Hermes Secondari]] (1919-1975), who was a writer for the 1965 TV documentary '''''I, Leonardo da Vinci'''''. There is a more detailed [[Talk:Leonardo_da_Vinci#Once_you_have_tasted_flight|discussion of this on the Leonardo da Vinci "Talk" page]]. * '''Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.''' **Often attributed to [[w:Lord Kelvin|Lord Kelvin]], sometimes to [[w:Lord Rayleigh|Lord Rayleigh]] or [[Simon Newcomb]]. It is a fact that Kelvin did not believe in heavier-than air flight [http://zapatopi.net/kelvin/quotes/], but there is no reliable source that he or another physicist from 19th century said it was impossible from a scientific point of view. **The oldest known source is the book from Chris Morgan ''Facts and fallacies: a book of definitive mistakes and misguided predictions'' (1981) * '''Good Morning, Dave.''' **Attributed to [[w:HAL 9000|HAL 9000]] (a character in the movies ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' and ''2010'') but is never actually spoken by it. Two quotes of HAL 9000 that are very similar to the misquotation are ''Hello, Dave.'' in ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' and ''Good Morning, Dr. Chandra.'' in ''2010''. * '''Rivers of Blood.''' **Enoch Powell, the controversial British politician, in the 1960s made a speech referring to the supposed dangers of immigration, which has always been known as the Rivers of Blood speech, but the actual words included "the River Tiber foaming with blood." *'''Are you aware that [[w:Claude Pepper|Claude Pepper]] is known all over Washington as a shameless extrovert? Not only that, but this man is reliably reported to practice nepotism with his sister-in-law, he has a brother who is a known homo sapiens, and he has a sister who was once a thespian in wicked New York. Worst of all, it is an established fact that Mr. Pepper, before his marriage, habitually practiced celibacy.''' **Attributed to [[w:George Smathers|George Smathers]]. Smathers never made this speech, nor did he express any such sentiment. The speech, which uses wordplay that would dupe a poorly educated or passive listener into thinking Pepper was part of a family of sexual perverts, was already a sort of urban legend circulating by the time ''Time'' magazine first placed it in print in 1950. *'''Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.''' **Supposedly the last words of Mexican Revolutionary military leader [[Pancho Villa]] following his 1923 assassination. However, most accounts of that event say that he died instantly, without any time to say ''anything''. *'''That's where the money is.''' **[[w:Willie Sutton|Willie Sutton]] regularly denied, for the rest of his life, having given this answer to a reporter's question about why he robbed banks, and it is believed to have been the reporter's invention. Those denials did not, however, deter Sutton from titling his 1976 autobiography ''Where the Money Was'', which may have led people to believe he ''did'' say it. *'''I may be drunk, Bessie, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I shall be sober.''' **There is no record of Churchill making this comeback, often attributed to him, to [[w:Bessie Braddock|Bessie Braddock]]; similar versions of the story involving other public figures of the era circulated before it became attached to him. *'''The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton.''' **While often attributed to the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] on a visit to his alma mater later in life, historians consider it unlikely that he said. It was only first said to have been said by him four decades after the battle, after he had died; in addition he had not spent much time at Eton and did not recall those years fondly. Biographers familiar with his style of speaking also consider it doubtful that, had he expressed a sentiment like that, he would have expressed it that way. *'''The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.''' **This quote has been attributed to several sources, including Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin and Mark Twain. It may have first appeared in Rita Mae Brown's book, ''Sudden Death'', published in January 1983. [http://www.barrypopik.com/index.php/new_york_city/entry/insanity_is_doing_the_same_thing_and_expecting_different_results/ barrypopik.com] [https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200907/the-definition-insanity-is psychologytoday.com] *'''The people of this country have had enough of experts.''' - [[Michael Gove]], in interview with Faisal Islam on June 3, 2016. **Gove did not end his sentence here; he was interrupted by the interviewer [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGgiGtJk7MA]. The full quote is: "The people of this country have had enough of experts from organizations with acronyms, saying that they know what is best, and getting it consistently wrong." By eliding the latter part of the sentence, his opponents could argue that he had referred to experts as a whole, rather than to a particular behavior in which experts engaged. *'''Nothing comes between me and my Calvins.''' – [[wikipedia:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]] **Actual quote: "Do you want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." From a television commercial for [[wikipedia:Calvin Klein (company)|Calvin Klein Jeans]]. *'''This is not madness. This is Sparta.''' - Gerald Butler as Leonidas in 300 (2007). **Actual quote: "..Madness? This is Sparta." The phrase "This is not madness" is never spoken in the scene. A misquoted reference to this phrase appeared in the English translation of ''Phoenix Wright 3: Trials and Tribulations''. *'''Your princess is in another castle.''' - Super Mario Brothers (1985). **Actual quote: "Thank you, Mario, but ''our'' princess is in another castle." The quote is spoken by a regular Mushroom citizen who Mario rescues from Bowser's castle in all Worlds prior to World 8, and uses "our" because she is the princess of the Mushroom people. The line is not implying Mario's entitled ownership of the princess, nor is it a romantic rejection, and at least in the original game no romance between Mario and the princess is ever implied. *'''Imagine, if you will.''' - The Twilight Zone (1959-1964). **Host and narrator [[Rod Serling]] frequently asked viewers to "imagine" when describing the setting for an episode, but he never spoke this exact phrase on the series, though it is often attributed to him. *'''The meaning of life is 42.''' - The Hitchhikers’ Guide To The Galaxy. **Actual quote: “The answer to the great question, of life, the universe and everything, is 42.” (“The ultimate question” in some versions), spoken by the Magrathean computer Deep Thought. A central point of the plot is that this answer caused the Magratheans to realise that they did not know what the great question was. Versions of the story vary in whether or not they include the question, but in no version is it related to the meaning of life, and in several the Magratheans explicitly state that the answer 42 proves that the question cannot be “why?” or similar. {{misattributed end}} == Commonly misquoted == === People === {{refimprove|section}} Because they are well-known wits, sages, or villains, certain people are commonly given credit for statements they are not known to have made. Among the more commonly falsely credited authors are the following: * [[Yogi Berra]] * [[Otto von Bismarck]] * [[Albert Camus]] * [[George Carlin]] * [[Winston Churchill]] * [[Confucius]] * [[Albert Einstein]] * [[Benjamin Franklin]] * [[Bill Gates]] * [[Samuel Goldwyn]] * [[Adolf Hitler]] * [[Bruce Lee]] * [[Abraham Lincoln]] * [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] * [[Dorothy Parker]] * [[Dan Quayle]] * [[William Shakespeare]] * [[George Bernard Shaw]] * [[John Steinbeck]] * [[Henry David Thoreau]] [http://www.walden.org/Library/Quotations/The_Henry_D._Thoreau_Mis-Quotation_Page] * [[Mark Twain]] * [[Kurt Vonnegut]] * [[Oscar Wilde]] {{misattributed end}} == References == <references /> [[Category:Lists|misquotations]] [[cy:Rhestr o gam-ddyfyniadau]] [[el:Διάσημες παραφράσεις]] [[es:Citas incorrectas]] [[fa:فهرست گفتاوردهای غلط]] [[gl:Citas erradas]] [[ko:잘못된 인용문의 목록]] [[it:Citazioni errate]] [[pt:Citações equivocadas]] tudhw0ez8ltyg0hpg8g18yavdvb8ndt 0 597 3155569 3155568 2022-08-17T11:59:40Z Philip Cross 7192 dmy date fmt is appropriate for this individual wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] df7grzes8f9swiuijoj6wb9hx39ctn7 3155578 3155569 2022-08-17T13:53:37Z 185.57.31.30 /* 2000s */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** In Prince Philip's television interview with Sir Trevor MacDonald for the ITV documentary "The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip" (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] 4rr65m82eyyslo7tlxvoadjup76ibeg 3155581 3155578 2022-08-17T14:03:37Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2000s */ correct spelling, no need to mention the article subject wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** Television interview with Sir Trevor McDonald for the ITV documentary ''The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip'' (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] sa9kbyxy7vgfhiyizne3gxwfnh7p5p7 3155584 3155581 2022-08-17T14:22:35Z 185.57.31.30 /* 1980s */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). * Ninety-five per cent of the Atlantic rainforest in Brazil has disappeared in the last hundred years. There is simply nowhere for the animals to live. At the basis of it all is this colossal increase in the human population which is reaching plague proportions. ** In a 1984 interview * The difference between a free society and one in which all issues are governed by inflexible dogma is the constant change of ideas. I hope this book helps people to see some of the problems of this life from a different point of view. ** In the book "Men, Machines and Sacred Cow" (1984) [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** Television interview with Sir Trevor McDonald for the ITV documentary ''The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip'' (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] rcgwovt9vd7if7k0zwcfhm0a4abshgm 3155585 3155584 2022-08-17T14:32:13Z 185.57.31.30 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). * Ninety-five per cent of the Atlantic rainforest in Brazil has disappeared in the last hundred years. There is simply nowhere for the animals to live. At the basis of it all is this colossal increase in the human population which is reaching plague proportions. ** In a 1984 interview * The difference between a free society and one in which all issues are governed by inflexible dogma is the constant change of ideas. I hope this book helps people to see some of the problems of this life from a different point of view. ** In the book "Men, Machines and Sacred Cow" (1984) [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** Television interview with Sir Trevor McDonald for the ITV documentary ''The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip'' (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Interviewer: "What do you see as the biggest problem in conservation? Philip: "Well, the growing human population. From where we are, there's nothing else." Interviewer: And do you have views about what should be done about that?" Philip: "Well, I think it might be described as voluntary family limitation." ** From an interview for the BBC documentary "The Duke at 90" (2011) * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] c5tl75eqh53j3f714cwavz5wrkld8mn 3155587 3155585 2022-08-17T14:32:52Z 185.57.31.30 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). * Ninety-five per cent of the Atlantic rainforest in Brazil has disappeared in the last hundred years. There is simply nowhere for the animals to live. At the basis of it all is this colossal increase in the human population which is reaching plague proportions. ** In a 1984 interview * The difference between a free society and one in which all issues are governed by inflexible dogma is the constant change of ideas. I hope this book helps people to see some of the problems of this life from a different point of view. ** In the book "Men, Machines and Sacred Cow" (1984) [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** Television interview with Sir Trevor McDonald for the ITV documentary ''The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip'' (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Interviewer: "What do you see as the biggest problem in conservation? Prince Philip: "Well, the growing human population. From where we are, there's nothing else." Interviewer: And do you have views about what should be done about that?" Prince Philip: "Well, I think it might be described as voluntary family limitation." ** From an interview for the BBC documentary "The Duke at 90" (2011) * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] 1dhzcwbh7l2lk92sdnyj875d8wyz74y 3155588 3155587 2022-08-17T14:34:01Z 185.57.31.30 /* 2010s */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Philip by Allan Warren 1992.jpg|thumb|Constitutionally I don't exist.]] '''[[w:Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh|Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]''' (born '''Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark''', [[10 June]] [[1921]] – [[April 9|9 April]] [[2021]]) was the husband of [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]]. He was the longest-serving, oldest-ever spouse of a reigning British monarch, and the oldest-ever male member of the [[w:British royal family|British royal family]]. == Quotes == * When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ** On marriage, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * It looks like a tart's bedroom. **On seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). ===1960s=== * You have mosquitoes. I have the Press. ** In a 1966 conversation with the matron of a hospital while on a tour of the Caribbean as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * [[British people|British]] women can't cook. ** Statement of 1966, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) ===1970s=== * The man who invented the [[red carpet]] needed his head examined. ** About to disembark on state visit to Brazil (November 1968), as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * It seems to me that it's the best way of wasting money that I know of. I don't think investments on the moon pay a very high dividend. ** On the U.S. Apollo program, press conference in Sao Paulo, Brazil (November 1968) as quoted in Andrew Duncan ''The Reality of Monarchy'' (1970). * Education, journalism, technology, entertainment and business may also find better methods for their purpose than books and writing. But this does not mean that tapes and films have made books obsolescent—the contention is almost too ludicrous to be taken seriously. Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age. It is, of course, equally silly to condemn the new fangled simply because it is strange, and I am full of admiration for the technologists who have developed all sorts of gadgets for the purpose of improving communications. However, I believe that all these fascinating machines are complementary to, and not substitutes for, books and the printed word. ** ''Do Books Matter?'' (ed. Brian Baumfield), {{ISBN|0705700143}}, p. 15 (1973). ==== ''The Environmental Revolution: Speeches on Conservation, 1962–77'' (1978) ==== * '''For conservation to be successful it is necessary to take into consideration that it is a characteristic of man that he can only be relied upon to do anything consistently which is in his own interest.''' He may have occasional fits of conscience and moral rectitude but otherwise his actions are governed by self-interest. '''It follows then that whatever the moral reasons for conservation it will only be achieved by the inducement of profit or pleasure.''' ** World Wildlife Fund: British National Appeal Banquet, London (1962). * The conflict between instinct and reason has reached a critical stage in man's affairs, largely because the explosion of facts has revealed the instincts for what they are and at the same time it has undermined traditional philosophies and ideologies. The explosion of facts has effectively altered mankind's physical and intellectual environment and when any environment changes, the process of natural selection is brutal and merciless. «Adapt or die» is as true today as it was in the beginning. ** Fawley Foundation Lecture. Southampton University (24 November 1967). * Why then be concerned about the conservation of wildlife when for all practical purposes we would be much better off if humans and their domestic animals and pets were the only living creatures on the face of the earth? There is no obvious and demolishing answer to this rather doubtful logic although in practice the destruction of all wild animals would certainly bring devastating changes to our existence on this planet as we know it today...The trouble is that everything in nature is completely interdependent. Tinker with one part of it and the repercussions ripple out in all directions... '''Wildlife — and that includes everything from microbes to blue whales and from a fungus to a redwood tree — has been so much part of life on the earth that we are inclined to take its continued existence for granted...Yet the wildlife of the world is disappearing, not because of a malicious and deliberate policy of slaughter and extermination, but simply because of a general and widespread ignorance and neglect.''' ** World Wildlife Fund Dinner, York, (1969). * We talk about over- and underdeveloped countries; I think a more exact division might be between underdeveloped and overpopulated. The more people there are, the more industry and more waste and the more sewage there is, and therefore the more pollution. * The sheer weight of numbers of the human population, our habitations, our machinery and our ruthless exploitation of the living and organic resources of the earth; together these are changing our whole environment. This is what we call progress and much of this development is naturally to the direct and welcome benefit of mankind. However, we cannot at the same time ignore the awkward consequences and the most direct and menacing, but not the only consequence of this change, is pollution... '''Pollution is a direct outcome of man's ruthless exploitation of the earth's resources. Experience shows that the growth of successful organic populations is eventually balanced by the destruction of its own habitat. The vast man-made deserts show that the human population started this process long ago.''' There are two important differences today. In the first place the process has gone from a walking pace to a breakneck gallop. Secondly we know exactly what is happening. If not exactly in all cases, '''we know enough to appreciate what is happening and the need to take care... Pollution is no longer a matter of local incidents, today it has the whole biosphere in its grip.''' The processes which devastated the Welsh valleys a hundred years ago are now at work, over, on and under the earth and the oceans. Even if we bury all this waste underground there still remains the risk that toxic materials through chemical reactions will be washed out and into underground water courses. If ever there was an area of research more closely related to human welfare it is the problem of the safe disposal of waste and effluents... The fact is that we have got to make a choice between human prosperity on the one hand and the total well-being of the planet Earth on the other. Even then it is hardly a choice because if we only look for human prosperity we shall certainly destroy by pollution the earth and the human population which has existed on it for millions of years... If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. '''The situation can be controlled and even reversed but it demands co-operation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far...I realise that there are any number of vital causes to be fought for, I sympathise with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness, but behind all this hangs a really deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognised, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with this challenge, all the other problems will pale into insignificance.''' ** Edinburgh University Union (24 November 1969). * If we are to exercise our responsibilities so that all life can continue on earth, they must have a moral and philosophical basis. Simple self-interest, economic profit and absolute materialism are no longer enough... It has been made perfectly clear that a concern for any part of life on this planet — human, plant or animal, wild or tame — is a concern for all life. '''A threat to any part of the environment is a threat to the whole environment, but we must have a basis of assessment of these threats, not so that we can establish a priority of fears, but so that we can make a positive contribution to improvement and ultimate survival.''' * It is frequently more rewarding merely to ask pertinent questions. It may get someone to go and look for an answer. If you get a silly answer, which can easily happen, you can return to the charge with even more telling effect. '''Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. Results may not be immediately apparent, but you may have touched a receptive chord without knowing it. Even the most unsympathetic and unenlightened politician, [[industrialist]] or bureaucrat begins to take notice when a lot of people write about the same subject.''' * It is an old cliche to say that the future is in the hands of the young. This is no longer true. '''The quality of life to be enjoyed or the existence to be survived by our children and future generations is in our hands now.''' ** The World Wildlife Fund Congress, London, (1970). * A new criterion has been added, the conservation of the environment so that in the long run life, including human life, can continue. This new consideration must be taken into account at all levels and in all departments of government and in the boardrooms of every industrial enterprise. '''It is no longer sufficient simply to quantify the elements of existence as in old-fashioned material economics; conservation means taking notice of the quality of existence as well...''' The problem is of course to give some value to that quality and perhaps the only way to do this is to try and work out the cost in terms of loss of amenities, loss of holiday and recreation facilities, loss of property values, loss of contact with nature, loss of health standards and loss of food resources, if proper conservation methods are not used. '''Looked at in that light it may well turn out that money spent on proper pollution control, urban and rural planning and the control of exploitation of wild stocks of plants or animals on land and in the sea, is the less expensive alternative in the long run... The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.''' ** The Australian Conservation Foundation, Canberra (April 1970). * There may be disagreements about the time scale, but in principle there can be little doubt that the population cannot go on increasing indefinitely. Resources presently being used will not last for ever and pollution in its broadest sense, unless severely checked, is bound to increase with population and industrial activity. ** Address at the Salford University Degree Ceremony (16 July 1973). ===1980s=== * If the world pollution situation is not critical at the moment, it is as certain as anything can be that the situation will become increasingly intolerable within a very short time. The situation can be controlled, and even reversed; but it demands cooperation on a scale and intensity beyond anything achieved so far.<br>I realize that there are vital causes to be fought for, and I sympathize with people who work up a passionate concern about the all too many examples of inhumanity, injustice, and unfairness; but behind all this hangs a deadly cloud. Still largely unnoticed and unrecognized, the process of destroying our natural environment is gathering speed and momentum. If we fail to cope with the challenge, the other problems will pale into insignificance. ** The Fairfield Osborne Lecture, New York (1 October 1980). * Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. ** In 1981, in reference to an economic recession, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I suspect that the single most important gift of progress to conservation has been the development of human contraception techniques. ** Address to All-Party Conservation Committee in London (18 February 1981). * Q: What do you consider the leading threat to the environment?<br>A: Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed--not just for the natural world, but for the human world. The more people there are, the more resources they'll consume, the more pollution they'll create, the more fighting they will do. We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.<br>Q: Is birth control part of the solution?<br>A: Yes, but you can't legislate these problems away. You've got to get people to understand the need for it: the more important people, the ones who have responsibilities have got to do it because they're at the receiving end. They've got to accept the measures. ** Interview in "Vanishing Breeds Worry Prince Philip, But Not as Much as Overpopulation" ''People'' magazine (21 December 1981). * It is curious how many philosophers from Plato to Keynes' time have believed in and advocated the control of society by "philosopher kings". According to Plato, "its kings must be those who have shown the greatest ability in philosophy", but--realistically--he added, "and the greatest aptitude for war". Such people may exist in the imagination and occasionally someone with the necessary qualities may briefly dominate the stage of history, but it is a naive appreciation of human nature to imagine that such processed paragons can be invested with the necessary powers and not be tempted to take advantage of their situation. ** ''A Question of Balance'', Michael Russel (Publishing) Ltd. (1982). * As long ago as 1798, Malthus explained what happens when the factors limiting the increase in any population are removed. One of the factors noticed by Darwin was that all species are capable of producing vastly greater populations than can be sustained by existing resources; populations did not increase at the rate at which they are capable was the basis for his theory of Evolution by Natural Selection.<br>The relevance to natural selection of this capacity for overproduction is that as each individual is slightly different to all the others it is probable that under natural conditions those individuals which happen to be best adapted to the prevailing circumstances have a better chance of survival. Well, so what? Well, take a look at the figures for the human population of this world. One hundred fifty years ago it stood at about 1,000 million or in common parlance today, 1 billion. It then took about a 100 years to double to 2 billion. It took 30 years to add the third billion and 15 years to reach today's total of 4.4 billion. With a present world average rate of growth of 1.8%, the total population by the year 2000 will have increased to an estimated 6 billion and in that and in subsequent years 100 million people will be added to the world population each year. In fact it could be as much as 16 billion by 2045. As a consequence the demand on resources of land alone will mean a third less farm land available and the destruction of half of the present area of productive tropical forest. Bearing in mind the constant reduction of non-renewable resources, there is a strong possibility of growing scarcity and reduction of standards. More people consume more resources. It is as simple as that; and transferring resources and standards from the richer to the poorer countries can only have a marginal effect in the face of this massive increase in the world population.<br>The object of the WWF is to "conserve" the system as a whole; not to prevent the killing of individual animals. Those who are concerned about their conservation of nature accept that all species are prey to some other species. They accept that most species produce a surplus that is capable of being culled without in any way threatening the survival of the species as a whole. ** The Chancellor's Lecture, Salford University (4 June 1982). * For example, the World Health Organization Project, designed to eradicate malaria from Sri Lanka in the postwar years, achieved its purpose. But the problem today is that Sri Lanka must feed three times as many mouths, find three times as many jobs, provide three times the housing, energy, schools, hospitals and land for settlement in order to maintain the same standards. Little wonder the natural environment and wildlife in Sri Lanka has suffered. The fact [is] ... that the best-intentioned aid programs are at least partially responsible for the problems.<br>The industrial revolution sparked the scientific revolution and brought in its wake better public hygiene, better medical care and yet more efficient agriculture. The consequence was a population explosion which still continues today.<br>The sad fact is that, instead of the same number of people being very much better off, more than twice as many people are just as badly off as they were before. Unfortunately all this well-intentioned development has resulted in an ecological disaster of immense proportions. ** Address on Receiving Honorary Degree from the University of Western Ontario, Canada (1 July 1983). * So long as they [birth control methods] ... remained taboo subjects the chances of making any impression on the human population explosion were that much more remote.<br>In the introduction to the IUCN Red Data Books which list all animals and plants under threat of extinction, it says that virtually everywhere the major threat to a wild species is loss of habitat to a rapidly increasing human population requiring more space in order to build villages and cities and grow more food. But starvation and poverty cannot be eradicated solely by increased food and resources at the expense of what remains of the natural world. Any increase in the provision of food and resources must be accompanied by a drastic reduction in the rate of increase in the human population. ** Speech at the Margaret Pyke Memorial Trust Dinner in London (14 December 1983). * Ninety-five per cent of the Atlantic rainforest in Brazil has disappeared in the last hundred years. There is simply nowhere for the animals to live. At the basis of it all is this colossal increase in the human population which is reaching plague proportions. ** In a 1984 interview * The difference between a free society and one in which all issues are governed by inflexible dogma is the constant change of ideas. I hope this book helps people to see some of the problems of this life from a different point of view. ** In the book "Men, Machines and Sacred Cow" (1984) [[File:Flag of China.svg|thumb|Flag of China]] * If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the [[Cantonese_people|Cantonese]] will eat it. ** 1986 statement as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. ** Said to a group of British students in China in 1986, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * As its name implies, World Wildlife Fund is in the business of raising money for the conservation of nature and to that end Fleur Cowles — a long time and dedicated supporter of the Fund — has offered a proportion of the royalities from the sale of this book to WWF.<br>It is easy enough to feel an affinity to a particular species of animal, but I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers that it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings towards the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist and by sheer indifference had destroyed any chance of it finding a mate and producing a family? There are not just a few such species, there are a great many and the list is getting longer every day. When I look at the shelf with all the volumes of the Red Data Books listing endangered species I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus, but that is perhaps going too far. I would much rather see the human species voluntarily restrict its numbers out of consideration for the rest of the living world with which it still has a chance of <!-- rm 'c' as presumably a typo. -->sharing this planet. ** Foreword to ''If I Were an Animal'' (1986) by Fleur Cowles; United Kingdom, Robin Clark Ltd. <small>{{ISBN|9780688061500}}</small> * The great difficulty about "life" is that we humans are part of it, and it is therefore almost impossible to study objectively.... It therefore tends to be anthropocentric and gives scant attention to the welfare of all the other life-forms which share this planet with us. ...When the Bible says that man shall have "dominion" over God's creation, the choice is between understanding dominion as in "having power over", or dominion as "having responsibility for".<br>Once you have interfered with the balance of nature it becomes necessary to maintain the balance by artificial means. This means that some animals have to be killed in the interest of maintaining the health and viability of the species as a whole as well as the benefit of other more vulnerable species. Unfortunately there are many people who object to that sort of thing.<br>Ecology is not concerned with the fate of individual animals. It accepts the concept of the exploitation of surplus natural resources because that is in the way the natural system works, but it must always be done on the principle of maintaining a sustainable yield. ...The inexorable rule of nature is that if you mess up your environment you will have to pay a heavy price sooner or later.... Just look around the globe today and you cannot fail to notice areas which at one time supported highly successful and civilized populations are either deserts or they have reverted to jungle. The reason is quite simple: they over-exploited their natural resources and they paid the price. It is naive to think that we can escape the same fate for very much longer. We are only managing to put off the evil hour by frantically digging up and using mineral resources that can never be renewed. As if that were not enough, we are polluting the atmosphere, the land and the waters with every kind of noxious substance. The "greenhouse effect" alone could well have devastating consequences for all life on earth.<br>This is a reflection of the duality of man's brain. The left brain produces the reasonable answers after objective scientific research, while the right brain prefers the acceptable and the emotionally satisfactory answers. How often do people say, "That may be so, but I prefer to 'believe' or I like to believe ... this, that or the other?"<br>The duality of the brain has created great problems for modern man.... It is ... significant that successful engineering makes money. This is in stark contrast to the supernatural, whether it is religious or mythological. In the latter cases the truth may be equally certain, but it is not verifiable, and the outcome of following rules is seldom predictable. It is, of course, possible to exploit magic and mythology commercially, but it could hardly be described as a manufacturing industry...<br>There is an understandable public pressure for schools and colleges to concentrate on utilitarian subjects to the exclusion of cultural and aesthetic development. In other words, the development of the left brain is given a great deal more attention than that of the right brain.... The trouble is that neglect of the development of the right brain leaves it in a state of vacuum.... This means that the right brain is ready to absorb the first plausible ideas it happens across. The occult, obscure religious rites, parapsychology, astrology and similar attractive but irrational notions are sucked into the vacant space without any discrimination or critical faculty.... I also suspect that the use of drugs might be seen as a substitute, or short cut, to filling the vacuum of the right brain. ...<br>I mention all this because man's attitude to nature is partly a function of the left brain and partly a function of the right brain. It is easy enough to encourage an emotional concern for nature and the living world.... Everyone can comprehend the idea of cruelty, very few can comprehend the extinction of a species. ** Lecture to the European Council of International Schools. Montreaux, Switzerland (14 November 1986) * I do believe ... that human population pressure--the sheer number of people on this planet--is the single most important cause of the degradation of the natural environment, of the progressive extinction of wild species of plants and animals, and of the destabilization of the world's climatic and atmospheric systems.<br>The simple fact is that the human population of the world is consuming natural renewable resources faster than it can regenerate, and the process of exploitation is causing even further damage. If this is already happening with a population of 4 billion, I ask you to imagine what things will be like when the population reaches six and then 10 billion.... All this has been made possible by the industrial revolution and the scientific explosion and it is spread around the world by the new economic religion of development. ** Address to the Joint Meeting of the All-Party Group on Population and Development and the All-Party Conservation Committee in London (11 March 1987). * I don't claim to have any special interest in natural history, but as a boy I was made aware of the annual fluctuations in the number of game animals and the need to adjust the "cull" to the size of the surplus population.<br>It took about three and a half billion years for life on earth to reach the state of complexity and diversity that our ancestors knew as recently as 200 years ago. It has only taken industrial and scientific man those 200 years to put at risk the whole of the world's natural system. It has been estimated that by the year 2000, some 300,000 species of plants and animals will have become extinct, and that the natural economy, upon which all life depends, will have been seriously disrupted.<br>The paradox is that this will have been achieved with the best possible intentions. The human population must be properly fed, human life must be preserved and human existence must be made safer and more comfortable. All these things are obviously highly desirable, but if their achievement means putting the survival of future generations at risk, then there is a pressing obligation on present generations to apply some measure of self-restraint.<br>What has been described as the «balance of nature» is simply nature's system of self-limitation. Fertility and breeding success create the surpluses after allowing for the replacement of the losses. Predation, climatic variation, disease, starvation--and in the case of the inappropriately named Homo sapiens, wars and terrorism--are the principal means by which population numbers are kept under some sort of control.<br>Viewed dispassionately, it must be obvious that the world's human population has grown to such a size that it is threatening its own habitat; and it has already succeeded in causing the extinction of large numbers of wild plant and animal species. Some have simply been killed off. Others have quietly disappeared, as their habitats have been taken over or disturbed by human activities. ** Introduction to "The Population Factor" section of ''Down to Earth'' (1988). ===1990s=== * It is now apparent that the ecological pragmatism of the so-called pagan religions, such as that of the American Indians, the Polynesians, and the Australian Aborigines, was a great deal more realistic in terms of conservation ethics than the more intellectual monotheistic philosophies of the revealed religions. ** Press conference at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. on the occasion of the "Caring for Creation" conference of the North American Conference on Religion and Ecology (18 May 1990). * People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out [[w:Windsor Castle|Windsor Castle]]. ** Said on a visit to [[w:Lockerbie|Lockerbie]] in 1993 to a man who lived in a road where eleven people had been killed by wreckage from the [[w:Pan Am Flight 103|Pan Am]] jumbo jet, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/416992.stm "Prince Philip's gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (10 August 1999). * You can't have been here that long—you haven't got a pot belly. ** Said to a Briton in [[w:Budapest|Budapest]], [[w:Hungary|Hungary]] in 1993, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Aren't most of you descended from pirates? ** Said in 1994 to an inhabitant of the [[w:Cayman Islands|Cayman Islands]] as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * I sympathise desperately with the people who are bereaved at Dunblane, but I'm not altogether convinced that it's the best system to somehow shift the blame onto a very large and peaceable part of the community. I mean if ... look, if somebody ... if a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat which he could do very easily, I mean are you going to ban cricket bats? I'm not sure that the reaction is the most rational. I think one's got to make a difference between what the weapons can do and what the people can do. ** Interview on BBC Radio Five Live (18 December 1996); Said in relation to the proposal to ban firearms in the UK following the Dunblane shooting, as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/04/48-prince-philips-greatest-gaffes-funny-moments/ "48 of Prince Philip's greatest gaffes and funny moments"], ''The Telegraph'' (2 August 2017). * Welcome Mr. Reich Chancellor. ** Said in 1997 during a visit by the Federal Chancellor [[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], as quoted in [https://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article164242914/Willkommen-Herr-Reichskanzler.html "Willkommen, Herr Reichskanzler"] ''welt.de'' * It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. ** Of a fuse box, whilst on a tour of a factory in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1999, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes", ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002) * Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. ** On a visit to the new [[w:National Assembly for Wales|National Assembly for Wales]] in [[w:Cardiff|Cardiff]], said to a group of deaf children standing next to a [[w:Jamaica|Jamaican]] steel drum band, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/354666.stm "Deaf insulted by duke's remark"] ''BBC News'' (27 May 1999). * What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they see what’s good for them? ** Reportedly said in response to the Australian people voting to retain the monarchy in the [[w:1999 Australian republic referendum|1999 republic referendum]]. [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dX5pAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA185&lpg=PA185&dq=%22What%E2%80%99s+the+matter+with+these+people?+Can%E2%80%99t+they+see+what%E2%80%99s+good+for+them?%22&source=bl&ots=AA3cbssTYQ&sig=ACfU3U0wX0BaDgFGqC2smqmI4U7dharzaA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiPhu7xqtvzAhVNyoUKHYlZCY8Q6AF6BAgREAM#v=onepage&q=%22What%E2%80%99s%20the%20matter%20with%20these%20people%3F%22&f=false "Monarchy and the End of Empire"] Philip Murphy (2013). ===2000s=== * You are a woman, aren't you? ** After accepting a gift from a [[w:Kenya|Kenyan]] woman, as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? ** Asked of a driving instructor in [[w:Scotland|Scotland]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1848553.stm "Long line of princely gaffes"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * You managed not to get eaten then? ** Said to a British student in [[w:Papua New Guinea|Papua New Guinea]], as quoted in "Long line of princely gaffes" ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you still throw spears at each other? ** Said in 2002 to an [[Indigenous Australians|Indigenous Australian]] businessman, as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1848813.stm "Prince Philip's spear 'gaffe'"], ''BBC News'' (1 March 2002). * Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for the anorexics? ** Said to a blind, wheelchair-bound woman who was accompanied by her [[w:guide dog|guide dog]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1393020/Philip-tells-blind-woman-Theyve-got-eating-dogs-for-anorexics.html "Philip tells blind woman: 'They've got eating dogs for anorexics'"] in ''The Telegraph'' (3 May 2002). * You look like you’re ready for bed! ** Said in 2003 to President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-philip-quotes-relive-65-1445185 "Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary"] * Ah good, there's so many over there you feel they breed them just to put in orphanages. ** Said while presenting a Duke of Edinburgh Award to a student. When informed that the young man was going to help out in [[w:Romania|Romania]] for six months, he asked if the student was going to help the Romanian orphans and was told that he was not, as quoted in [http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=255&id=998522006 "Duke under fire for Romanian orphans 'joke'"] in ''The Scotsman'' (8 July 2006). * The food prices are going up – everyone thinks it’s to do with not enough food but it's really that demand is too great, [there are] too many people. It’s embarrassing and no one knows how to handle it because nobody wants their family life to be interfered with by Government... overpopulation is to blame for many of the problems afflicting millions of people around the world... It seemed to me that most religions attributed the world to some special creation and I said, ‘Well, look, if you believe God created the world, you ought to take an interest in its wellbeing... People don’t realise it is the species that matter – not the individual – from the conservation point of view. You’ve got to be fairly hard-hearted about it. Conservation is not a romantic business. It’s a very practical business, trying to ensure as many different species of wildlife can exist, and which means in some cases controlling some so the others can have a better chance. ** Television interview with Sir Trevor McDonald for the ITV documentary ''The Duke: A Portrait of Prince Philip'' (2008) *Can you tell the difference between them? ** Said to United States President [[Barack Obama]] after being told that Obama had met with the Chinese and Russian ambassadors along with [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXKMIDbUbQ8 "Prince Philip makes a faux pas"] at Youtube (1 April 2009). * Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat to be an astronaut. ** Said at the [[w:University of Salford|University of Salford]] to a 13-year-old aspiring astronaut, who was wishing to fly the NOVA rocket, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-10s/2009/12/14/gift-of-the-gaffe-prince-philip-s-top-ten-embarrassing-moments-115875-21896895/"Gift of the gaffe: Prince Philip’s top ten embarrassing moments"] in the ''Daily Mirror'' (14 December 2009). *Are you all one family? ** Said to multi-racial dance troupe [[w:Diversity (dance troupe)|Diversity]] at the 2009 Royal Variety Performance, as quoted in [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/12/20/are-you-all-one-family-philip-asks-diversity-115875-21910150/" Prince Philip asks Diversity, 'Are you all one family?'" in ''The Mirror'' (20 December 2009)] === 2010s === *Oh, what, a strip club? **Response to Elizabeth Rendle, a 24-year-old, who, when introduced to the prince, said that she worked as a barmaid in a nightclub, as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20100315011557/asia.news.yahoo.com/afp/20100312/tts-britain-royals-offbeat-cac1e9b.html "Prince Philip in strip club gaffe"] ''Yahoo! News'' (12 March 2010). * Constitutionally I don't exist. **As quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12277714 "Royal wedding: Should the royals have real jobs?"], ''BBC News'' (27 January 2011). * There is nothing like it for morale to be reminded that the years are passing—ever more quickly—and that bits are dropping off the ancient frame. But it is nice to be remembered at all. ** Said in a letter to ''The Oldie'' magazine after being voted "Consort of the Year", as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12424132 "Prince Philip voted 'Consort of the Year'"], ''BBC News'' (11 February 2011). * Is it made with Liffey water? ** Said about a pint Guinness at the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, as quoted in [http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/is-it-made-with-liffey-water-philip-enquires-of-guinness-26733840.html "'Is it made with Liffey water?' Philip enquires of Guinness" in ''Irish Independent''] (18 May 2011). * Q: "What do you see as the biggest problem in conservation? A: "Well, the growing human population. From where we are, there's nothing else." Q: And do you have views about what should be done about that?" A: "Well, I think it might be described as voluntary family limitation." ** From an interview for the BBC documentary "The Duke at 90" (2011) * Have you run over anybody? ** Said to the Mayor of Waltham Forest who uses a mobility scooter, as quoted in [http://www.metro.co.uk/news/894691-duke-of-edinburgh-has-fun-with-mobility-scooter-jokes-on-london-visit "Duke of Edinburgh has fun with mobility scooter jokes on London visit"], ''Metro'' (29 March 2012). *Just take the thing! Just take the fucking picture! ** Said during an official [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/10/prince-philip-tells-photographer-just-take-the-fucking-picture photo shoot of the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain] in 2015. == Quotes about Prince Philip == * Then we go back to the Duke of Edinburgh; I recall an amazingly ridiculous campaign against him because, on a visit to India, he was invited to go tiger-shooting (such an invitation is a great honour there) and after a few days of the newspapers back home yelling and screaming and jumping up and down, he had to pretend that he had a whitlow on his trigger-finger and so couldn't shoot anything, not even a tabloid journalist. **[[Bernard Levin]], "Uneasy Lies the Head" ''The Times'' (23 January 1989). * My father, for I suppose the last 70 years, has given the most remarkable devoted service to the queen, to my family, to the country and also to the whole of the Commonwealth. **Charles told reporters, wearing a black necktie of mourning (2021). == External links == * [https://counter-currents.com/2021/04/remembering-prince-philip/ ''Remembering Prince Philip''] *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Philip, Duke of Edinburgh}} [[Category:1921 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Royalty]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:People from Greece]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] 6l4qnmk2702o38ioby2adfk1dbowi73 0 1696 3155644 3155361 2022-08-17T21:13:47Z 2001:1388:661:87D7:60B2:1A65:A771:B4E9 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:C.A.Lindberg.jpg|thumb|[[Life]] — a culmination of the [[past]], an [[awareness]] of the [[present]], an indication of a [[future]] beyond [[knowledge]], the [[quality]] that gives a touch of [[divinity]] to matter.]] '''[[w:Charles Lindbergh|Charles Augustus Lindbergh II]]''' ([[4 February]] [[1902]] – [[26 August]] [[1974]]) was an American aviator, author, inventor, military officer, explorer, and social activist who rose to fame after he piloted the first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. An isolationist prior to the US entry into World War II, and in later years an environmental activist, he was the husband of [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]]. == Quotes == [[File:Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of Saint Louis (Crisco restoration, with wings).jpg|thumb|Our [[ideals]], [[laws]] and [[customs]] should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the [[future]].]] [[File:Pearl Harbor wide view attack.jpg|thumb|Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at [[war]] all over the [[world]], and we are unprepared for it from either a [[spiritual]] or a material standpoint...]] [[File:NordhausenApril1945.jpg|thumb|Here was a place where [[men]] and [[life]] and [[death]] had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in [[national]] [[progress]] even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place?]] [[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of [[war]]. It is our lack of [[respect]] for even the admirable characteristics of our [[enemy]]... We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.]] [[File:Hiroshima aftermath.jpg|thumb|I have seen the [[science]] I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the [[civilization]] I expected them to serve.]] [[File:SwansCygnus olor.jpg|thumb|If I had to choose, I would rather have [[birds]] than airplanes.]] [[File:Trees and sunshine.JPG|thumb|In wilderness I sense the [[miracle]] of [[life]], and behind it our [[scientific]] accomplishments fade to trivia.]] [[File:Swan in Sunshine - Tierpark Olderdissen.jpg|thumb| [[Life]] is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.]] * '''The readiness to blame a dead pilot for an accident is nauseating, but it has been the tendency ever since I can remember. What pilot has not been in positions where he was in danger and where perfect judgment would have advised against going?''' But when a man is caught in such a position he is judged only by his error and seldom given credit for the times he has extricated himself from worse situations. Worst of all, blame is heaped upon him by other pilots, all of whom have been in parallel situations themselves, but without being caught in them. '''If one took no chances, one would not fly at all. Safety lies in the judgment of the chances one takes. That judgment, in turn, must rest upon one's outlook on life. Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. Why should we look for his errors when a brave man dies? Unless we can learn from his experience, there is no need to look for weakness. Rather, we should admire the courage and spirit in his life. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?''' ** Journal entry (26 August 1938); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * Walked to Bill Castle's home at 6:00 — about ten minutes from the Anchorage. Fulton Lewis was the only other person there. The three of us had dinner together and discussed the European situation and the action this country should take if war breaks out over there. We are disturbed about the effect of the Jewish influence in our press, radio and motion pictures. It may become very serious. Lewis told us of one instance where the Jewish advertising firms threatened to remove all their advertising from the Mutual system if a certain feature were permitted to go on the air. The threat was powerful enough to have the feature removed. ** Journal entry (23 August 1939); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * The pressure for war is high and mounting. The people are opposed to it, but the Administration seems to have ‘the bit in its teeth’ and is hell-bent on its way to war. Most of the Jewish interests in the country are behind war, and they control a huge part of our press and radio and most of our motion pictures. There are the ‘intellectuals’ and the ‘Anglophiles,’ and the British agents who are allowed free rein, the international financial interests, and many others. ** Journal entry (1 May 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * Shall we now give up the independence we have won, and crusade abroad in a utopian attempt to force our ideas on the rest of the world; or shall we use air power, and the other advances of modern warfare, to guard and strengthen the independence of our nation? ** A speech on “Air Power” (29 August 1941) * The three most important groups who have been pressing this country toward war are the British, the Jewish, and the Roosevelt Administration.Instead of agitating for war, Jews in this country should be opposing it in every way, for they will be the first to feel its consequences. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio and our government. ** Speech in Des Moines, Iowa lobbying for American isolationism (11 September 1941) * '''Now, all that I feared would happen has happened. We are at war all over the world, and we are unprepared for it from either a spiritual or a material standpoint. Fortunately, in spite of all that has been said, the oceans are still difficult to cross; and we have the time to adjust and prepare...''' We can, of course, be raided; but unless we let ourselves go completely to pieces internally, we cannot be invaded successfully. <br> But this is only one part of the picture. We are in a war which requires us to attack if we are to win it. We must attack in Asia and in Europe, in fact, all over the world. That means raising and equipping an army of many millions and building shipping, which we have not now got. And after that, if we are to carry through our present war aims, it probably means the bloodiest and most devastating war of all history. ** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * We talk about spreading democracy and freedom all over the world, but they are to us words rather than conditions. We haven't even got them here in America, and the farther we get into this war the farther we get away from democracy and freedom. Where is it leading us to, and when will it end? The war might stop this winter, but that is improbable. It may go on for fifty years or more. That also is improbable. The elements are too conflicting and confused to form any accurate judgment of its length. '''There may be a series of wars, one after another, going on indefinitely. <br>[[Possibly]] the world will come to its senses sooner than I expect. But, as I have often said, the environment of human life has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding change in life. That change must be so great that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation.''' ** Journal entry (11 December 1941); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * '''Here was a place where men and life and death had reached the lowest form of degradation. How could any reward in national progress even faintly justify the establishment and operation of such a place? ''' ** After visiting the [[w:Mittelbau-Dora|Mittelbau-Dora]] concentration camp in Germany, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)] * The intense artillery fire has stripped the trees of leaves and branches so that the outline of the coral ridge itself can be seen silhouetted against the sky. Since I have been on Owi Island, at irregular intervals through the night and day, the sound of our artillery bombarding this Japanese stronghold has floated in across the water. This afternoon, I stood on the cliff outside our quarters (not daring to sit on the ground because of the danger of typhus) and watched the shells bursting on the ridge. For weeks that handful of Japanese soldiers, variously estimated at between 250 and 700 men, has been holding out against overwhelming odds and the heaviest bombardment our well-supplied guns can give them. <br> If positions were reversed and our troops held out so courageously and well, their defense would be recorded as one of the most glorious examples of tenacity, bravery, and sacrifice in the history of our nation. But, sitting in the security and relative luxury of our quarters, I listen to American Army officers refer to these Japanese soldiers as "yellow sons of bitches." Their desire is to exterminate the Jap ruthlessly, even cruelly. I have not heard a word of respect or compassion spoken of our enemy since I came here. <br>'''It is not the willingness to kill on the part of our soldiers which most concerns me. That is an inherent part of war. It is our lack of respect for even the admirable characteristics of our enemy — for courage, for suffering, for death, for his willingness to die for his beliefs, for his companies and squadrons which go forth, one after another, to annihilation against our superior training and equipment. What is courage for us is fanaticism for him. We hold his examples of atrocity screamingly to the heavens while we cover up our own and condone them as just retribution for his acts.''' ** Journal entry (21 July 1944); later published in ''The Wartime Journals'' (1970) * What the German has done to the Jew in Europe, we are doing to the Jap in the Pacific. ** Journal entry (21 July 1944) * It was a love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty. It lay beyond the descriptive words of men — where immortality is touched through danger, where life meets death on equal plane; where man is more than man, and existence both supreme and valueless at the same time. ** Thoughts on his first parachute jump in ''The Spirit of St Louis'' (1953) * '''Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter.''' ** "Is Civilization Progress?" in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964) * '''If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.''' ** "Is Civilization Progress?" in ''Reader's Digest '' (July 1964) * '''I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.''' ** ''Of Flight and Life'' (1948) * '''The wild world is the human world.''' Having evolved in it for millions of centuries, we are not far removed by a cloth of civilization. It is packed into our genes. '''In fact, the more power-driven, complex and delicate our civilization becomes, the more likelihood arises that a collapse will force us back to wildness.''' There is in wildness a natural wisdom that shapes all Earth's experiments with life. Can we tap this wisdom without experiencing the agony of reverting to wildness? Can we combine it with intellectual developments of which we feel so proud, use it to redirect our modern trends before they lead to a worse breakdown than past civilizations have experienced? I believe we can, and that to do so we must learn from the primitive. ** "The Wisdom of Wilderness" in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967) * Looking at the mirror of life first caused me to question our civilization's trends. During years spent flying civil air routes and on military missions, I watched changes of shade and texture on the great surface below my wings. Stumplands appeared where forests were. Lakes climbed mountainsides. Ditches gridded marshlands: dust hazed prairies, highways, and power lines kept scarring ground from horizons to horizons. I watched crossroads become villages; villages, towns; towns turn into cities; suburbs spill over hills.<br>'''Wherever I landed I heard similar reports: populations were expanding, farms spreading, timber prices rising with new construction. Speedboats and four-wheel-drive vehicles carried hunters into areas previously difficult to reach, while aircraft brought every latitude and longitude within fortnight-vacation range. As a result, virgin wilderness vanished, and wild animals dwindled in numbers.'''<br>Now the American eagle is verging on extinction. Even the polar bear on its ice floes has become easy game for flying sportsmen. A peninsula named Udjung Kulon holds the last two or three dozen Javan rhinoceroses. The last herd of Arabian oryx has been machine-gunned by a sheik. Blue whales have nearly been harpooned out of their oceans. Pollution ruins bays and rivers. Refuse litters beaches. Dam projects threaten Colorado canyons, Hudson valleys, every place of natural beauty that can be a reservoir for power. Obviously, the scientific progress so alluring to me is destroying qualities of greater worth.<br>Of course, virgin wilderness had to retreat as civilization advanced. That was inevitable. But I did not consider its possible disappearance. The world seemed so large I had assumed that portions would remain in primitive state, attainable at reasonable cost in time and effort. Days spent in laboratories, factories and offices were lightened by intuitive contact with wilderness outside. Had the choice confronted me, I would not have traded nature's miracles of life for all of science's toys. '''Was not my earth's surface more important than increasing the speed of transport and visiting the moon and Mars?'''<br>If I were entering adulthood now instead of in the environment of 50 years ago, '''I would choose a career that kept me in contact with nature more than science. This is a choice an individual still can make—but no longer mankind in general. Too few natural areas remain. Both by intent and indifference we have insulated ourselves from the wilderness that produced us. Our emphasis of science has resulted in alarming rises in world populations that demand an ever-increasing emphasis of science to improve their standards and maintain their vigor.'''<br>I have been forced to the conclusion that '''an overemphasis of science weakens human character and upsets life's essential balance. Science breeds technology. Technology leads to infinite complication.''' Examples are everywhere: in the intricacy of government and in that of business corporations: in automation and labor relations; in war, diplomacy, taxation, legislation, in almost every field of modern man's routine. From the growth of cities to that of military power, from medical requirements to social-welfare benefits, '''when progress is plotted against time, exponential curves result with which we cannot long conform. But what action should scientific man prescribe as a result of the curves he plots? How is their direction to be changed without another breakdown and return to wildness? Suppose technologists conclude theoretically that they are destroying their own culture. Are they capable of taking effective action to prevent such destruction?'''<br>'''The failures of previous civilizations, and the crises existing for our own, show that man has not evolved the ability to cope with limitless complication.''' He has not discovered how to control his sciences' parabolas. Here I believe '''the human intellect can learn from primitive nature, for nature was conceived in cosmic power and thrives on infinite complication. No problem has been too difficult for it to solve. From the dynamics of an atom, nature produces the tranquility of a flower, the joy of a porpoise, the intellect of man–the miracle of life.'''<br>'''In wilderness, I sense the miracle of life, and behind it, our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia.''' The construction of an analogue computer or a supersonic airplane is simple when compared to the mixture of space and evolutionary eons represented by a cell. '''In primitive rather than in civilized surroundings I grow aware of man's evolving status, as though I were suddenly released from a hypnotic state. Life itself becomes the standard of all judgement.''' How could I have overlooked, even momentarily, such an obvious fact? ** "The Wisdom of Wilderness" in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967) * '''I feel transported from the modern to a Mesozoic era, freed from the blindness caused by our clocked environment of time. Ages turn to seconds as I voyage back and forth. Man becomes a recent advent among Earth's contending forms, and civilization but a flash in evolutionary progress. Surrounded by wildness I become less aware of my individuality than the life stream individuals manifest: that tenuous, immortal quality probing an unknown future and trailing, unbroken, beyond the vaguest past. Thus stripped of my culture's armor, I am an animal among various others, emerged to represent my species' progress, the momentary form and outlook of mankind.'''<br>Whether in Florida's Everglades, Tanzania's Serengeti, or Java's Udjung Kulon, '''I see animals about me as earthly experiments with life; and so I feel myself. Each of us represents a life stream attempting to survive, to take advantage of every opportunity arising. The heron lengthens its legs to wade. The lion sharpens its teeth to kill. The rhinoceros thickens its skin for protection. Man develops his intellect to gain domination of the Earth, and by comparison, the speed with which he has gained this domination is astounding–another of those exponential curves that mount like an explosion.'''<br>'''In civilization's sky-scraping cities I feel my superiority to lower animals confirmed by man's unchallenged rule. I view other creatures with a god's aloofness; for I have intellect, and they, no more than instinct.''' But surrounded by wildness, representing the human life stream with diverse competing life streams close at hand, I start doubting my superiority. '''I am struck by the physical perfection of other species in contrast to my own, amazed at the beauty, health and balance nature has achieved through instinct's influence. I ask myself what the intellect has done to warrant its prestige. As Earth's most messy, destructive and defective animal, man's record gives him little cause for pride. Our present intellectual superiority is no guarantee of great wisdom or survival power in our genes.''' Anthropologists often warn than ''Homo sapiens'' may be only an overspecialized branch on the trunk of evolution. ** "The Wisdom of Wilderness" in ''LIFE'' (22 December 1967) * '''Our ideals, laws and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.''' ** ''New York Times Magazine'' (23 May 1971) * Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values... '''God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.''' ** As quoted in ''Reader's Digest'' (July 1972) * '''I realized that the future of aviation, to which I had devoted so much of my life, depended less on the perfection of aircraft than on preserving the epoch-evolved environment of life, and that this was true of all technological progress.''' ** Forword to ''The Gentle Tasady : A Stone Age People in the Philippine Rain Forest'' (1975) by John Nance, a book on the [[w:Tasaday|Tasaday]] of Mindanao (7 April 1974) * I owned the world that hour as I rode over it... free of the earth, free of the mountains, free of the clouds, but how inseparably I was bound to them. ** On flying over the Rocky Mountains, as quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1978) by Leonard Mosley * '''Living in dreams of yesterday, we find ourselves still dreaming of impossible future conquest...''' ** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]], p. 3 * Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization. ** As quoted in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) by A. Scott Berg, p. 510 * Is he alone who has courage on his right hand and faith on his left hand? ** As quoted in ''1927'' (2000) by Robert P. Fitton * What kind of man would live where there is no danger? I don't believe in taking foolish chances. But nothing can be accomplished by not taking a chance at all. ** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty * '''Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.''' ** As quoted in ''Lindbergh: Flight's Enigmatic Hero'' (2002) by Von Hardesty === Aviation, Geography, and Race (1939) === [[File:Heinkel He 111 during the Battle of Britain 2.jpg|thumb|Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.]] [[File:Missouri-flyover.jpg|thumb|The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men.]] :<small>''Reader's Digest'' (November 1939), pp. 64-67</small> * '''Aviation has struck a delicately balanced world, a world where stability was already giving way to the pressure of new dynamic forces, a world dominated by a mechanical, materialist, Western European civilization.''' * Aviation seems almost a gift from heaven to those Western nations who were already the leaders of their era, strengthening their leadership, their confidence, their dominance over other peoples. It is a tool specially shaped for Western hands, a scientific art which others only copy in a mediocre fashion; another barrier between the teeming millions of Asia and the Grecian inheritance of Europe — one of those priceless possessions which permit the White race to live at all in a pressing sea of Yellow, Black, and Brown. * A great industrial nation may conquer the world in the span of a single life, but its Achilles' heel is time. Its children, what of them? The second and third generations, of what numbers and stuff will they be? '''How long can men thrive between walls of brick, walking on asphalt pavements, breathing the fumes of coal and of oil, growing, working, dying, with hardly a thought of wind, and sky, and fields of grain, seeing only machine-made beauty, the mineral-like quality of life.''' This is our modern danger — one of the waxen wings of flight. It may cause our civilization to fall unless we act quickly to counteract it, unless we realize that human character is more important than efficiency, that education consists of more than the mere accumulation of knowledge. * '''Air power is new to all our countries. It brings advantages to some and weakens others; it calls for readjustment everywhere.''' <br> If only there were some way to measure the changing character of men, some yardstick to reapportion influence among the nations, some way to demonstrate in peace the strength of arms in war. But with all of its dimensions, its clocks, and weights, and figures, science fails us when we ask a measure for the rights of men. They cannot be judged by numbers, by distance, weight, or time; or by counting heads without a thought of what may lie within. Those intangible qualities of character, such as courage, faith, and skill, evade all systems, slip through the bars of every cage. They can be recognized, but not measured. * '''The forces of [[Hannibal]], [[Francis Drake|Drake]] and [[Napoleon]] moved at best with the horses' gallop or the speed of wind on sail. Now, aviation brings a new concept of time and distance to the affairs of men. It demands adaptability to change, places a premium on quickness of thought and speed of action.''' <br> Military strength has become more dynamic and less tangible. A new alignment of power has taken place, and there is no adequate peacetime measure for its effect on the influence of nations. There seems no way to agree on the rights it brings to some and takes from others. * Our civilization depends on peace among Western nations, and therefore on united strength, for Peace is a virgin who dare not show her face without Strength, her father, for protection. We can have peace and security only so long as we band together to preserve that most priceless possession, our inheritance of European blood, only so long as we guard ourselves against attack by foreign armies and dilution by foreign races. <br> We need peace to let our best men live to work out those more subtle, but equally dangerous, problems brought by this new environment in which we dwell, to give us time to turn this materialistic trend, to stop prostrating ourselves before this modern idol of mechanical efficiency, to find means of combining freedom, spirit, and beauty with industrial life — a peace which will bring character, strength, and security back to Western peoples. === ''Autobiography of Values'' (1978) === [[File:Charles Lindbergh, wearing helmet with goggles up.jpg|thumb|In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.]] [[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.]] * In some [[future]] incarnation from our [[life]] stream, we may even [[understand]] the [[reason]] for our [[existence]] in forms of [[earthly]] life. '''The [[growing]] [[knowledge]] of [[science]] does not refute man's [[intuition]] of the [[Mysticism|mystical]]. Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in [[space]] or in [[time]], the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more [[marvelous]] it becomes.''' Only in the twentieth century do we realize that space is not empty, that it is packed with energy; it may be existence's source. Then, if space has produced existence and the form of man, can we deduce from it a form for [[God]]? * '''I know myself as [[mortal]], but this raises the question: "What is I?" Am I an individual, or am I an [[evolving]] life stream composed of countless [[selves]]?''' ... As one [[identity]], I was born in AD 1902. But as AD twentieth-century man, I am billions of years old. The life I consider as myself has existed though past eons with unbroken continuity. Individuals are custodians of the life stream — temporal manifestations of far greater being, forming from and returning to their essence like so many dreams. ... '''I recall standing on the edge of a deep valley in the [[Hawaiian]] [[island]] of [[w:Maui|Maui]], thinking that the life stream is like a [[mountain]] [[river]] — springing from hidden sources, born out of the [[earth]], touched by [[stars]], merging, blending, evolving in the shape [[momentarily]] seen.''' It is [[molecules]] probing through time, found smooth-flowing, adjusted to shaped and shaping banks, roiled by [[rocks]] and [[tree]] trunks — composed again. Now it [[ends]], [[apparently]], at a lava brink, a precipitous fall. <br /> Near the fall's brink, I saw [[death]] as death cannot be seen. '''I stared at the very end of life, and at life that forms beyond, at the [[fact]] of [[immortality]].''' [[Dark]] [[water]] bent, broke, disintegrated, transformed to apparition — a tall, stately [[ghost]] [[soul]] emerged from [[body]], and the finite [[individuality]] of the [[whole]] becomes the [[infinite]] individuality of particles. Mist drifted, disappeared in [[air]], a vanishing of [[spirit]]. Far below in the valley, I saw another river, reincarnated from the first, its particles reorganized to form a second body. It carried the same [[name]]. It was similar in appearance. It also ended at a lava brink. '''Flow followed fall, and fall followed flow as I descended the mountainside. The river was mortal and immortal as life, as becoming.''' * '''I grow aware of various forms of man and of myself. I am form and I am formless, I am life and I am matter, mortal and immortal. I am one and many — myself and [[humanity]] in flux.''' I extend a multiple of ways in experience in space. I am myself now, lying on my back in the jungle grass, passing through the ether between satellites and stars. '''My aging body transmits an ageless life stream.''' Molecular and atomic replacement change life's composition. Molecules take part in structure and in training, countless trillions of them. '''After my [[death]], the molecules of my being will return to the [[earth]] and [[sky]]. They came from the [[stars]]. I am of the stars.''' == Quotes about Lindbergh == [[File:Spirit of St. Louis.jpg|thumb|A [[friend]] of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh [[lived]] long enough in a fast-moving [[world]] to befriend the first man to walk on the [[moon]]. ~ [[w:A.Scott Berg|A.Scott Berg]] ]] [[File:Bourget-statue.jpg|thumb|As the first American airman to exhibit "the right stuff," Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example.]] [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|Charles is [[life]] itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]] [[File:Anne Lindbergh and son Charles Jr, mother, and grandmother cph.3b19303u.jpg|thumb| He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]]. ~ [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] ]] * '''Lindbergh's arrival in [[Paris]] became the defining moment of his life, that event on which all his future actions hinged''' — as though they were but a predestined series of equal but opposite reactions, fraught with irony... In the spring of 1927, Lindbergh had been too consumed by what he called "the single objective of landing my plane at Paris" to have considered its aftermath. "To plan beyond that had seemed an act of arrogance I could not afford," he would later write. '''Even if he had thought farther ahead, however, he could never have predicted the unprecedented global response to his arrival.''' <br> By that year, radio, telephones, radiographs, and the Bartlane Cable Process could transmit images and voices around the world within seconds. What was more, motion pictures had just mastered the synchronization of sound, allowing dramatic moments to be preserved in all their glory and distributed worldwide. '''For the first time all of civilization could share as one the sights and sounds of an event — almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And in this unusually good-looking, young aviator — of apparently impeccable character — the new technology found its first superstar.'''<br>The reception in Paris was only a harbinger of the unprecedented worship people would pay Lindbergh for years. Without either belittling or aggrandizing the importance of his flight, he considered it part of the continuum of human endeavor, and that he was, after all, only a man. The public saw more than that... '''Universally admired, Charles Lindbergh became the most celebrated living person ever to walk the earth.''' ** [[w:A. Scott Berg|A. Scott Berg]] in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) * As the first American airman to exhibit "the right stuff," Lindbergh inspired his country's first astronauts by sheer example. But more than that, he was — unknown to the public — the man most responsible for securing the funding that underwrote the research of Dr. [[w:Robert H. Goddard|Robert H. Goddard]], the inventor of the modern rocket. '''A friend of the first man to fly an airplane, Lindbergh lived long enough in a fast-moving world to befriend the first man to walk on the moon.''' ** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) * '''Lindbergh believed all the elements of the earth and heavens are connected, through space and time.''' The configurations of molecules in each moment help create the next. Thus he considered his defining moment just another step in the development of aviation and exploration — a summit built on all those that preceded it and a springboard to all those that would follow. '''Only by looking back, Lindbergh believed, could mankind move forward. "In some future incarnation from our life stream," he wrote in later years, "we may understand the reason for our existence in forms of earthly life." ''' ** A. Scott Berg in ''Lindbergh'' (1998) * No source, however, captures the war hates and war crimes of this merciless struggle more soberly than Charles Lindbergh's diary. For over four months in mid-1944, Lindbergh lived and flew as a civilian observer with U.S. forces based in New Guinea, and as the weeks passed he became deeply troubled, not by the willingness to kill on the part of the soldiers, which he accepted as an inherent part of the war, but by the utter contempt in which Allied fighting men held their Japanese adversaries. The famous "Lone Eagle," whose isolationist sentiments had placed him among the conservative opponents of President Roosevelt's policies, really hearkened back to what [J. Glenn Gray] has called the more chivalrous tradition of the professional militarist, who accepts the necessity of war while maintaining respect for his adversaries, recognizing courage as courage and duty as duty, irrespective of the uniform worn. Lindbergh found no such sentiments among the Allied forces in the Pacific, where officers and enlisted men alike saw the enemy simply as animals and "yellow sons of bitches," and his detailed journal may be the most forthright firsthand account available of the "other" side of the Pacific War. ** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race & Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69 * On May 18, 1944, about two weeks after Lindbergh had tied in with a Marine unit, he recorded that the camps were full of reports of Japanese torture and the beheading of captured American pilots. A month later, on June 21, he summarized the conversation of an American general who told how an unsuspecting Japanese prisoner was given a cigarette and then seized from behind and had his throat "slit from ear to ear" as a demonstration of how to kill Japanese. Lindbergh's objections were met with tolerant scorn and pity. ** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race & Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 69-70 * On August 30, Lindbergh visited Tarawa, recalled the terrible casualties there, and told of a naval officer who lined up the few Japanese captured, kept those who could speak English for questioning, and had the rest killed. In early September, he noted that on some islands Marines actually dug up dead bodies in their search for gold teeth. Elsewhere they collected noses as well as ears, teeth, and skulls. When Lindbergh finally left the Pacific islands and cleared customs in Hawaii, he was asked if he had any bones in his baggage. It was, he was told, a routine question. ** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race & Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 71 * '''Charles is life itself — pure life, force, like sunlight — and it is for this that I married him and this that holds me to him''' — caring always, caring desperately what happens to him and whatever he happens to be involved in. ** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in ''War Within and Without'' (1980) * '''Charles was a stubborn Swede, you know, and he himself never felt the need to explain his feelings about where he stood and about past statements.''' But I feel free now to elaborate on his actual attitudes. '''He never wanted to be regarded as a [[hero]] or [[leader]], and he never had [[political]] [[ambitions]].''' His prewar isolationist speeches were given in all [[sincerity]] for what he thought was the good of the country and the world. ... He was accused of being anti-Semetic, but in the 45 years I lived with him I never heard him make a remark against the [[Jews]], not a crack or joke, and neither did any of our children. ** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh-jews.html ''The New York Times'' (20 April 1980)] * '''No one I know of has foreseen an [[America]] like the one we live in today.''' No one (except perhaps the acidic [[H. L. Mencken]], who famously described American democracy as “the worship of jackals by jackasses”) could have imagined that the 21st-century catastrophe to befall the U.S.A., the most debasing of disasters, would appear not, say, in the terrifying guise of an [[Orwellian]] Big Brother but in the ominously ridiculous ''[[w:Commedia dell'arte|commedia dell’arte]]'' figure of the boastful buffoon. How naïve I was in 1960 to think that I was an American living in preposterous times! How quaint! But then what could I know in 1960 of 1963 or 1968 or 1974 or 2001 or 2016? ... However prescient ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' might seem to you, there is surely one enormous difference between the political circumstances I invent there for the U.S. in 1940 and the political calamity that dismays us so today. It's the difference in stature between a President Lindbergh and a President Trump. '''Charles Lindbergh, in life as in my novel, may have been a genuine [[racist]] and an [[anti-Semite]] and a white supremacist sympathetic to [[Fascism]], but he was also — because of the extraordinary feat of his solo trans-Atlantic flight at the age of 25 — an authentic American [[hero]] 13 years before I have him winning the presidency. ... Trump, by comparison, is a massive fraud, the evil sum of his deficiencies, devoid of everything but the hollow [[ideology]] of a megalomaniac.''' ** [[Philip Roth]], comparing Lindbergh's leadership of an "[[w:America First (policy)|America First]]" movement with that of [[Donald Trump]], in responses to being asked about foreseeing an America such as now exists in his earlier writings, including his alternate-history novel ''[[w:The Plot Against America|The Plot Against America]]'' (2004) where Lindbergh defeats [[FDR]] for the presidency in 1940, as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/16/books/review/philip-roth-interview.html "No Longer Writing, Philip Roth Still Has Plenty to Say" by Charles Mcgrath, in ''The New York Times'' (16 January 2018)] * The people of England are about finished with him. Americans are beginning to feel the same way, and the halo of hero worship around Lindbergh's head is getting pretty well tarnished. ** New Jersey Attorney General David P. Wilentz (December 1936), quoted in ''Radio and the Jews: The Untold Story of How Radio Influenced the Image of Jews'' (2007) by David S. Siegel and Susan Siegel, p. 45 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.lindberghfoundation.org/history/calbio.html Brief biography at the Lindbergh Foundation] * [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/09/27/specials/lindbergh.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Articles on Lindbergh at ''The New York Times''] * [http://www.charleslindbergh.com CharlesLindbergh.com] *[http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/entertainment/jan-june99/pulitzer_4-23.html Interview with A. Scott Berg about his Lindbergh biography] {{DEFAULTSORT:Lindbergh, Charles}} [[Category:Aviators from the United States]] [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1974 deaths]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]] [[Category:Explorers from the United States]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People from Detroit]] t7dvd2t09v314dha5lfgkfbgm2gomte 4 1878 3155589 2904972 2022-08-17T14:36:24Z Ferien 3078302 /* Notes */ "most everyone" doesn't make much sense.. wikitext text/x-wiki {{shortcut|WQ:CSD|WQ:SD}} {{Official policy}} {{Policylist}} == Speedy deletions == There are a few, limited, cases where [[WQ:ADMIN|administrators]] can delete Wikiquote pages "on sight". 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If an article is listed on [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion]], but falls into the speedy-deletion criteria, it may be deleted before the usual "lag time" (see [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy]]). == The cases == ''NOTE: This section is a complete overhaul of the former 10 cases, based on a streamlined version of the original and updated by selected current [[w:Wikipedia:Criteria for speedy deletion|Wikipedia:Criteria for speedy deletion]] cases. (See talk page for more details.)'' === General === These cases apply to ''all'' Wikiquote pages, including the specific types listed separately. # <span id="Nonsense"></span><span id="G1"></span> '''Nonsense'''. Pages with meaningless content created in ''obvious'' contradiction to Wikiquote policy, including [[Wikiquote:patent nonsense|patent nonsense]] (e.g, "sdhgdf"), test pages (e.g., "Can I really create a page here?"), and [[Wikiquote:vandalism|vandalism]]. 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Ideally, when a sysop deletes a test page or other page with no useful content, it is a good idea to put a note on the author's talk page explaining things, and preserving the deleted content, pointing them to the [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|sandbox]] in cases of tests. Be friendly! [[Wikiquote:Please do not bite the newcomers|Everyone was new once]]. == See also == * [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Deletion policy]] * [[w:Wikipedia:Deletion guidelines for administrators|Deletion guidelines for administrators]] == List of candidates for speedy deletion == Using the {{tl|db}} or {{tl|delete}} tags on a page automatically creates an entry in the automatic updating list at [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. The following pages are tagged for speedy deletion: <dynamicpagelist> category=Candidates for speedy deletion notcategory=archived count=10 order = ascending ordermethod=categoryadd addfirstcategorydate=true addcategorydatefirst=true </dynamicpagelist> [[Category:Policies needing revision]] [[pl:Wikicytaty:Zasady Ekspresowego kasowania]] i5rz577lthnifw77a2hft20h8v4nf4u 0 1912 3155622 3140989 2022-08-17T19:58:01Z Ruatcaelum 3081427 /* Quotes about Hegel */ Added quote from L T Hobhouse wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Hegel portrait by Schlesinger 1831.jpg |thumb|right|Not [[curiosity]], not [[vanity]], not the consideration of expediency, not [[duty]] and conscientiousness, but an unquenchable, unhappy thirst that brooks no compromise leads us to [[truth]].]] [[File:Stamps of Germany (DDR) 1970, MiNr 1539.jpg|thumb|right|The objects of philosophy, it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme sense in which God and God only is the Truth.]] [[File:Americana 1920 Hegel Georg Wilhelm Friedrich.jpg|thumb|right|The human spirit in its inmost nature is not something so divided up that two contradictory elements might subsist together in it. If discord has arisen between intellectual insight and religion, and is not overcome in knowledge, it leads to despair.]] '''[[w:Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]]''' ([[27 August]] [[1770]] – [[14 November]] [[1831]]) was a [[w:German people|German]] philosopher considered one of the most important figures in [[w:German idealism|German idealism]]. He is one of the fundamental figures of [[w:Western philosophy|Western philosophy]], with his influence extending to the entire range of [[w:contemporary philosophy|contemporary philosophical]] issues, from [[w:aesthetics|aesthetics]] to [[w:ontology|ontology]] to [[politics]], both in the [[w:analytic philosophy|analytic]] and [[w:continental philosophy|continental]] tradition. :'''See also: ''[[The Phenomenology of Spirit]]''''' == Quotes == * ''Nicht die Neugierde, nicht die Eitelkeit, nicht die Betrachtung der Nützlichkeit, nicht die Pflicht und Gewissenhaftigkeit, sondern ein unauslöschlicher, unglücklicher Durst, der sich auf keinen Vergleich einläßt, führt uns zur Wahrheit.'' ** '''Not [[curiosity]], not [[vanity]], not the consideration of expediency, not [[duty]] and conscientiousness, but an unquenchable, unhappy thirst that brooks no compromise leads us to [[truth]].''' *** [[w:Nürnberg|Nürnberg]], Sep. 30, 1809; ''Schrieb's zum Andenken'' (written to remember) *** ''Stammbuchblätter Hegels'' (Hegel's album sheets) *** [http://buch.archinform.net/isbn/3-7873-0322-7.htm ''Briefe von und an Hegel'', Volume 4, Part 1], Meiner Verlag, 1977, p. 168 * '''The great thing however is, in the show of the temporal and the transient to recognize the substance which is immanent and the eternal which is present.''' For the work of [[Reason]] (which is synonymous with the Idea) when considered in its own actuality, is to simultaneously enter external existence and emerge with an infinite wealth of forms, phenomena and phases — a multiplicity that envelops its essential rational kernel with a motley outer rind with which our ordinary consciousness is earliest at home. It is this rind that the Concept must penetrate before Reason can find its own inward pulse and feel it still beating even in the outward phases. But this infinite variety of circumstances which is formed in this element of externality by the light of the rational essence shining in it — all this infinite material, with its regulatory laws — is not the object of [[philosophy]]....'''To comprehend ''what is'', is the task of philosophy: and what ''is'' is Reason.''' ** ''Works'', VII, 17. *Reading the morning newspaper is the realist's morning [[prayer]]. One orients one's attitude toward the [[world]] either by [[God]] or by what the world is. The former gives as much security as the latter, in that one knows how one stands. **''Miscellaneous writings of G.W.F. Hegel'', translation by Jon Bartley Stewart, Northwestern University Press, 2002, page 247. * Every philosophy is complete in itself and, like a genuine work of art, contains the totality. Just as the works of Apelles and Sophocles, if Raphael and Shakespeare had known them, should not have appeared to them as mere preliminary exercises for their own work, but rather as a kindred force of the spirit, so, too reason cannot find in its own earlier forms mere useful preliminary exercises for itself. ** ''Difference of the Fichtean and Schellingean System of Philosophy'', cited in W. Kaufmann, Hegel (1966), p. 49 * '''To be aware of limitations is already to be beyond them.''' ** As quoted in ''Inwardness and Existence'' (1989) by Walter A. Davis, p. 18 * In ''Mohammedanism'' the narrow principle of the Jews is expanded into universality and thereby overcome. Here, God is no longer, as in the Far East, regarded as existent in an immediately sensory way but is conceived as the one infinite power elevated above all the multiplicity of the world. Mohammedanism is, therefore, in the strictest sense of the word, the religion of sublimity. **[[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]], ''Philosophy of Mind'' (quoted by W. Wallace & A. V. Miller in Philosophy of Mind, Oxford 2010; also quoted in other words by [[Slavoj Žižek]] in [http://www.lacan.com/zizarchives.htm A Glance into the Archives of Islam], Lacan dot com, 1997). * Philosophy is by its nature something esoteric, neither made for the mob nor capable of being prepared for the mob. ** ''Introduction to the Critical Journal of Philosophy'', cited in W. Kaufmann, Hegel (1966), p. 56 * ''So muß die Philosophie zwar die Möglichkeit erkennen, daß das Volk sich zu ihr erhebt, aber sie muß sich nicht zum Volk erniedrigen.'' ** Philosophy must indeed recognize the possibility that the [[people]] rise to it, but must not lower itself to the people. *** ''Introduction to the Critical Journal of Philosophy'', cited in W. Kaufmann, Hegel (1966), p. 56 * There are Plebes in all classes. ** As quoted by [[w:Julien Coupat|Julien Coupat]] in ''[http://tarnac9.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/interview-with-julien-coupat/ Interview with Julien Coupat]'' (2009) * ''Philosophie ... hat zwar ihre Gegenstände zunächst mit der Religion gemeinschaftlich. Beide haben die Wahrheit zu ihrem Gegenstande, und zwar im höchsten Sinne - in dem, daß Gott die Wahrheit und er allein die Wahrheit ist.'' ** The objects of philosophy, it is true, are upon the whole the same as those of religion. In both the object is Truth, in that supreme sense in which God and God only is the Truth. *** ''Logic'', Chapter 1 * India has always been an object of yearning, a realm of wonder, a world of magic... India is the land of dreams. India had always dreamt - more of the Bliss that is man's final goal. And this has helped India to be more creative in history than any other nation. Hence the effervescence of myths and legends, religious and philosophies, music, and dances and the different styles of architecture." ... **quoted in Patri, Umesh Hindu scriptures and American transcendentalists 1st ed. quoted from Londhe, S. (2008). A tribute to Hinduism: Thoughts and wisdom spanning continents and time about India and her culture. New Delhi: Pragun Publication. * India has created a special momentum in world history as a country to be searched for. **quoted in Klosterrnaier, Klaus K A Survey of Hinduism. State University of New York Press. 1994. quoted in Londhe, S. (2008). A tribute to Hinduism: Thoughts and wisdom spanning continents and time about India and her culture. New Delhi: Pragun Publication. * It strikes everyone in beginning to form an acquaintance with the treasures of Indian literature, that a land so rich in intellectual products and those of the profoundest order of thought..." **quoted in De Riencourt, Amaury The Soul of India Harper & Brothers Publishers New York 1960 p. 301 *"India as a land of Desire formed an essential element in general history. From the most ancient times downwards, all nations have directed their wishes and longings to gaining access to the treasures of this land of marvels, the most costly which the earth presents, treasures of nature - pearls, diamonds, perfumes, rose essences, lions, elephants, etc. - as also treasures of wisdom. The way by which these treasures have passed to the West has at all times been a matter of world historical importance bound up with the fate of nations." **quoted in Panikkar, K M Asia and Western Dominance Collier Books 1969 New York p.21 *Without being known too well, it [India] has existed for millennia in the imagination of the Europeans as a wonderland. Its fame, which it has always had with regard to its treasures, both its natural ones, and in particular, its wisdom, has lured men there. **Friedrich Hegel .source: Contesting the Master Narrative, Jeffrey Cox and Shelton Stromquist Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. and in Halbfass, Wilhelm India and Europe State University of New York Press. New York J 988 p. 2 === ''The Spirit of Christianity and its Fate'' (1799) === :<small>''Der Geist des Christentums und sein Schicksal'', composed 1799, published posthumously</small> [[File:Hegel 042.jpg|thumb|right|What Jesus reveals is not that laws disappear but that they must be kept through righteousness of a new kind, … which is more complete because it supplements the deficiency in the laws. … This expanded content we may call an inclination so to act as the laws may command, i.e., a unification of inclination with the law whereby the latter loses its form as law.]] * ''Das Schicksal des jüdischen Volkes ist das Schicksal Makbeths, der aus der Natur selbst trat, sich an fremde Wesen hing, und so in ihrem Dienste alles Heilige der menschlichen Natur zertreten und ermorden, von seinen Göttern (denn es waren Objekte, er war Knecht) endlich verlassen, und an seinem Glauben selbst zerschmettert werden mußte.'' ** The fate of the Jewish people is the fate of [[Macbeth]] who stepped out of [[nature]] itself, clung to alien beings, and so in their service had to trample and slay everything holy in human nature. *** in ''Theologische Jugendschriften'' (1907), S. 261 * Between the Shaman of the [[w:Tungusic peoples|Tungus]], the European prelate who rules church and state, the [[w:Mansi people|Voguls]], and the [[w:Puritans|Puritans]], on the one hand, and the man who listens to his own command of duty, on the other, the difference is not that the former make themselves slaves, while the latter is free, but that the former have their lord outside themselves, while the latter carries his lord in himself, yet at the same time is his own slave. * What Jesus reveals is not that laws disappear but that they must be kept through righteousness of a new kind, ... which is more complete because it supplements the deficiency in the laws. ... This expanded content we may call an inclination so to act as the laws may command, i.e., a unification of inclination with the law whereby the latter loses its form as law. This correspondence with inclination is the πληρωμα [fulfillment] of the law. * The inclination to act as the laws command, a virtue, is a synthesis in which the law ... loses its universality and the subject its particularity; both lose their opposition, while in the [[Immanuel Kant|Kantian]] conception of virtue this opposition remains, and the universal becomes the master and the particular the mastered. * In the “fulfillment” of both the laws and duty, ... the moral disposition ceases to be the universal, opposed to inclination, and inclination ceases to be particular, opposed to the law. * A command can express no more than an ought or a shall, because it is a universal, but it does not express an ‘is’; and this at once makes plain its deficiency. Against such commands Jesus sets virtue, i.e., a loving disposition, which makes the content of the command superfluous and destroys its form as a command, because that form implies an opposition between a commander and something resisting the command. ===''Lectures on the History of Philosophy'' (1805)=== :See main article '''''[[w:en:Lectures on the History of Philosophy|Lectures on the History of Philosophy]]''''' :<small>[https://archive.org/details/lectureshistoryp03hegeuoft/page/282/mode/2up Full text online in English (E. S. Haldane translation)]</small> :<small>[https://books.google.it/books?id=VqXoDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&hl=it#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The Collected Works of Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel: The Science of Logic, The Philosophy of Mind, The Philosophy of Right, The Philosophy of Law,The Criticism of Hegel's Work and Hegelianism by Schopenhauer, Nietzsche'' Full text online in English (J. B. Baillie translation)]</small> * The second point to be considered is the method adopted by [[Baruch Spinoza|Spinoza]] for setting forth his philosophy; it is the demonstrative method of geometry as employed by [[Euclid]], in which we find definitions, explanations, axioms, and theorems. Even Descartes made it his starting-point that philosophic propositions must be mathematically handled and proved, that they must have the very same evidence as mathematics. The mathematical method is considered superior to all others, on account of the nature of its evidence; and it is natural that independent knowledge in its re-awakening lighted first upon this form, of which it saw so brilliant an example. The mathematical method is, however, ill-adapted for speculative content, and finds its proper place only in the finite sciences of the understanding. In modern times Jacobi has asserted (Werke, Vol. IV. Section I. pp. 217-223) that all demonstration, all scientific knowledge leads back to Spinozism, which alone is a logical method of thought; and because it must lead thither, it is really of no service whatever, but immediate knowledge is what we must depend on. It may be conceded to Jacobi that the method of demonstration leads to Spinozism, if we understand thereby merely the method of knowledge belonging to the understanding. But the fact is that Spinoza is made a testing-point in modern philosophy, so that it may really be said: You are either a Spinozist or not a philosopher at all. This being so, the mathematical and demonstrative method of Spinoza would seem to be only a defect in the external form; but it is the fundamental defect of the whole position. In this method the nature of philosophic knowledge and the object thereof, are entirely misconceived, for mathematical knowledge and method are merely formal in character and consequently altogether unsuited for philosophy. Mathematical knowledge exhibits its proof on the existent object as such, not on the object as conceived; the Notion is lacking throughout; the content of Philosophy, however, is simply the Notion and that which is comprehended by the Notion. Therefore this Notion as the knowledge of the essence is simply one assumed, which falls within the philosophic subject; and this is what represents itself to be the method peculiar to Spinoza's philosophy. ** First divsion, Chapter I. — The Metaphysics of the Understanding *** Elizabeth Sanderson Haldane (1995), [https://books.google.it/books?id=ehu9o4ns6uwC&pg=PA282&lpg=PA282 ''Lectures on the History of Philosophy: Medieval and Modern Philosophy''], University of Nebraska Press, p. 282. {{ISBN|9780803272736}}, OCLC 1058893791. === ''[[The Phenomenology of Spirit]]'' (1807) === [[File:Gyzis 006 (Ηistoria).jpeg|thumb|right|[[History]], is a conscious, self-mediating process — [[Spirit]] emptied out into [[Time]].]] : See main article '''''[[The Phenomenology of Spirit]]''''' :<small>''Phänomenologie des Geistes''; also translated as ''The Phenomenology of Mind'' (see [[w:Geist|Geist]])</small> :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/hegel/works/ph/phprefac.htm Full text online in English (J. B. Baillie translation)]</small> :<small>[http://users.sussex.ac.uk/~sefd0/tx/phg.htm Full text in German with paragraph numbering matching Baillie and Miller translations]</small> * [[Opinion]] considers the opposition of what is true and false quite rigid, and, confronted with a philosophical system, it expects agreement or contradiction. And in an explanation of such a system, opinion still expects to find one or the other. ** Preface, § 2 * ''Das Wahre ist das Ganze''. ** The true is the whole. ** Preface * '''The [[wikt:Kraft|force]] of [[w:Geist|mind]] is only as great as its expression; its depth only as deep as its [[power]] to expand and [[Kenosis|lose itself]].''' ** Preface (J. B. Baillie translation), § 10 * The [[life]] of [[God]] — the life which the mind apprehends and enjoys as it rises to the absolute [[unity]] of [[all]] things — may be described as a play of [[love]] with itself; but this idea sinks to an edifying truism, or even to a platitude, when it does not embrace in it the earnestness, the [[pain]], the [[patience]], and [[labor]], involved in the negative aspect of things. ** § 19 * The goal to be reached is the mind's insight into what knowing is. Impatience asks for the impossible, wants to reach the goal without the means of getting there. The length of the journey has to be borne with, for every moment is necessary, ... because by nothing less could that all-pervading mind ever manage to become conscious of what itself is — for that reason, the individual mind, in the nature of the case, cannot expect by less toil to grasp what its own substance contains. ** Preface (J. B. Baillie translation), § 29 * Discord which appears at first to be a lamentable breach and dissolution of the unity of a party, is really the crowning proof of its success.''' ** § 575 * [[History]], is a conscious, self-mediating process — [[Spirit]] emptied out into [[Time]]; but this externalization, this [[kenosis]], is equally an externalization of itself; the negative is the negative of itself. ... Thus absorbed in itself, it is sunk in the night of its self-consciousness; but in that night its vanished outer existence is perserved, and this transformed existence — the former one, but now reborn of the Spirit's knowledge — is the new existence, a new [[world]] and a new shape of Spirit. * In immediate self-consciousness the simple ego is absolute object, which, however, is for us or in itself absolute mediation, and has as its essential moment substantial and solid independence. The dissolution of that simple unity is the result of the first experience; through this there is posited a pure self-consciousness, and a consciousness which is not purely for itself, but for another, i.e. as an existent consciousness, consciousness in the form and shape of thinghood. Both moments are essential, since, in the first instance, they are unlike and opposed, and their reflexion into unity has not yet come to light, they stand as two opposed forms or modes of consciousness. The one is independent whose essential nature is to be for itself, the other is dependent whose essence is life or existence for another. The former is the Master, or Lord, the latter is the Bondsman. === ''[[w:Encyclopedia of the Philosophical Sciences|Encyclopedia of the Philosophical Sciences]]'' (1816) === ''Enzyklopaedie der philosophischen Wissenschaften'' (1816; 1830) * '''The significance of that 'absolute commandment', know thyself — whether we look at it in itself or under the historical circumstances of its first utterance — is not to promote mere self-knowledge in respect of the particular capacities, character, propensities, and foibles of the single self. The knowledge it commands means that of man's genuine reality — of what is essentially and ultimately true and real — of spirit as the true and essential being.''' * Each of the parts of philosophy is a philosophical whole, a circle rounded and complete in itself. In each of these parts, however, the philosophical Idea is found in a particular specificality or medium. The single circle, because it is a real totality, bursts through the limits imposed by its special medium, and gives rise to a wider circle. The whole of philosophy in this way resembles a circle of circles. The Idea appears in each single circle, but, at the same time, the whole Idea is constituted by the system of these peculiar phases, and each is a necessary member of the organisation. * '''A [[philosophy]] without [[heart]] and a [[faith]] without [[intellect]] are abstractions from the true [[life]] of [[knowledge]] and faith.''' The man whom philosophy leaves cold, and the man whom real faith does not illuminate, may be assured that the fault lies in them, not in knowledge and faith. The former is still an alien to philosophy, the latter an alien to faith. * The Philosophy of Nature takes up the material, prepared for it by physics out of experience, at the point to which physics has brought it, and again transforms it, without basing it ultimately on the authority of experience. Physics therefore must work into the hands of philosophy, so that the latter may translate into a true comprehension (''Begriff'') the abstract universal transmitted to it, showing how it issues from that comprehension as an intrinsically necessary whole. * It is because the method of physics does not satisfy the comprehension that we have to go on further. * Not only must philosophy be in agreement with our empirical knowledge of Nature, but the origin and formation of the Philosophy of Nature presupposes and is conditioned by empirical physics. However, the course of a science's origin and the preliminaries of its construction are one thing, while the science itself is another. In the latter, the former can no longer appear as the foundation of the science; here, the foundation must be the necessity of the Concept. * '''The heart is everywhere, and each part of the organism is only the specialized force of the heart itself.''' [[File:Dürer, Albrecht - Kleine Eule - 1508.jpg|thumb|right|The owl of Minerva first begins her flight with the onset of dusk.]] === ''[[w:Elements of the Philosophy of Right|Elements of the Philosophy of Right]]'' (1820/1821) === ''Grundlinien der Philosophie des Rechts'' (1820/1821) * ''Was vernünftig ist, das ist Wirklich; und was wirklich ist, das ist vernünftig.'' ** '''What is reasonable is real; that which is real is reasonable.''' ** Variant translation: What is rational is real; And what is real is rational. Upon this conviction stand not philosophy only but even every unsophisticated consciousness. From it also proceeds the view now under contemplation that the spiritual universe is the natural. '''When reflection, feeling, or whatever other form the subjective consciousness may assume, regards the present as vanity, and thinks itself to be beyond it and wiser, it finds itself in emptiness, and, as it has actuality only in the present, it is vanity throughout. Against the doctrine that the idea is a mere idea, figment or opinion, philosophy preserves the more profound view that nothing is real except the idea.''' Hence arises the effort to recognize in the temporal and transient the substance, which is immanent, and the eternal, which is present. The rational is synonymous with the idea, because in realizing itself it passes into external existence. It thus appears in an endless wealth of forms, figures and phenomena. It wraps its kernel' round with a robe of many colors, in which consciousness finds itself at home. Through this varied husk the conception first of all penetrates, in order to touch the pulse, and then feel it throbbing in its external manifestations. To bring to order the endlessly varied relations, which constitute the outer appearance of the rational essence is not the task of philosophy. *** Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Philosophy of Right'' as translated by SW Dyde, Queen's University Canada, 1896, Preface xxvii-xxviii * ''Jede Vorstellung ist eine Verallgemeinerung, und diese gehört dem Denken an. Etwas allgemein machen, heißt, es denken.'' ("Grundlinien der Philosophie des Rechts oder Naturrecht und Staatswissenschaft im Grundrisse", Berlin, 1833, p. 35) ** "Any idea is a generalization, and generalization is a property of thinking. To generalize something means to think it." ** "Every representation is a generalization, and this is inherent in thought. To generalize something means to think it." ** "Any idea is a universalization, and universalizing is a property of thinking. To universalize something means to think." ** "An idea is always a generalization, and generalization is a property of thinking. To generalize means to think." * ''Die Eule der Minerva beginnt erst mit der einbrechenden Dämmerung ihren Flug.'' * '''The owl of Minerva first begins her flight with the onset of dusk.''' * '''Only one word more concerning the desire to teach the world what it ought to be. For such a purpose philosophy at least always comes too late.''' Philosophy, as the thought of the world, does not appear until reality has completed its formative process, and made itself ready. History thus corroborates the teaching of the conception that only in the maturity of reality does the ideal appear as counterpart to the real, apprehends the real world in its substance, and shapes it into an intellectual kingdom. When philosophy paints its grey in grey, one form of life has become old, and by means of grey it cannot be rejuvenated, but only known. '''The owl of Minerva takes its flight only when the shades of night are gathering.''' ** Preface xxx ** Variant: When philosophy paints its grey on grey, then has a shape of life grown old. By philosophy's grey on grey it cannot be rejuvenated but only understood. The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk. *** As translated by T. M. Knox, (1952) <!-- p. 13 --> * ''Die Person muß sich eine äußere Sphäre ihrer Freiheit geben, um als Idee zu sein.'' ** The person must give himself an external sphere of freedom in order to have being as Idea. ** Sect. 41 * '''The external embodiment of an act is composed of many parts, and may be regarded as capable of being divided into an infinite number of particulars. An act may be looked on as in the first instance coming into contact with only one of these particulars. But the truth of the particular is the universal. A definite act is not confined in its content to one isolated point of the varied external world, but is universal, including these varied relations within itself. The purpose, which is the product of thought and embraces not the particular only but also the universal side, is intention.''' ** Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Philosophy of Right'' translated by SW Dyde Queen's University Canada 1896 p. 114-115 * '''The good is the idea, or unity of the conception of the will with the particular will. Abstract right, well-being, the subjectivity of consciousness, and the contingency of external reality, are in their independent and separate existences superseded in this unity, although in their real essence they are contained in it and preserved. This unity is realized freedom, the absolute final cause of the world.''' ''Addition''.—Every stage is properly the idea, but the earlier steps contain the idea only in more abstract form. The I, as person, is already the idea, although in its most abstract guise. The good is the idea more completely determined; it is the unity of the conception of will with the particular will. It is not something abstractly right, but has a real content, whose substance constitutes both right and well-being. ** Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Philosophy of Right'' translated by SW Dyde Queen's University Canada 1896 p. 123 * '''The essence of the modern state is the union of the universal with the full [[freedom]] of the particular, and with the welfare of individuals.''' ** Sect. 260 * ''So ist vielmehr der Fall, daß das Volk, insosern mit diesem Worte ein besonderer Theil der Mitglieder eines Staats bezeichnet ist, den Theil ausdrückt, der nicht weiß was er will.''[http://books.google.com/books?id=ePATAAAAQAAJ&q=%22So+ist+vielmehr+der+Fall+da%C3%9F+das+Volk+insosern+mit+diesem+Worte+ein+besonderer+Theil+der+Mitglieder+eines+Staats+bezeichnet+ist+den+Theil+ausdr%C3%BCckt+der+nicht+wei%C3%9F+was+er+will%22&pg=PA393#v=onepage] ** Translation: But it is rather true that the people, in so far as this term signifies a special part of the citizens, does not know what it wants. ** Sect. 301 * To be independent of public opinion is the first formal condition of achieving anything great or rational whether in life or in science. Great achievement is assured, however, of subsequent recognition and grateful acceptance by public opinion, which in due course will make it one of its own prejudices ** Sect. 318, as translated by T. M. Knox, (1952) * What the English call “comfortable” is something endless and inexhaustible. Every condition of comfort reveals in turn its discomfort, and these discoveries go on for ever. Hence the new want is not so much a want of those who have it directly, but is created by those who hope to make profit from it. ** S. Dyde, trans. (1896), § 191 === ''[[w:Lectures on Philosophy of Religion|Lectures on Philosophy of Religion]]'' === :[http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/hegel/reindex.htm Online text at marxists.org] ====Volume 1 (1827) ==== *We must first of all, however, definitely understand, in reference to the end we have in view, that '''it is not the concern of philosophy to produce religion in any individual'''. Its existence is, on the contrary, presupposed as forming what is fundamental in every one. So far as man's essential nature is concerned, nothing new is to be introduced into him. To try to do this would be as absurd as to give a dog printed writings to chew, under the idea that in this way you could put mind into it. It may happen that religion is awakened in the heart by means of philosophical knowledge, but it is not necessarily so. It is not the purpose of philosophy to edify, and quite as little is it necessary for it to make good its claims by showing in any particular case that it must produce religious feelings in the individual. **Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God. Translated from the 2d German ed. by E.B. Speirs, and J. Burdon Sanderson: the translation edited by E.B. Speirs. Published 1895 p. 4 * The [[science]] of [[religion]] is one science within [[philosophy]]; indeed it is the ''final'' one. In that respect it presupposes the other philosophical disciplines and is therefore a result. * The beginning of religion, more precisely its content, is the concept of religion itself, that [[God]] is the absolute truth, the truth of all things, and subjectively that religion alone is the absolutely true knowledge. *The Church has consistently and justly refused to allow that reason might stand in opposition to faith, and yet be placed under subjection to it. The human spirit in its inmost nature is not something so divided up that two contradictory elements might subsist together in it. If discord has arisen between intellectual insight and religion, and is not overcome in knowledge, it leads to despair, which comes in the place of reconciliation. This despair is reconciliation carried out in a one-sided manner. The one side is cast away, the other alone held fast; but a man cannot win true peace in this way. The one alternative is, for the divided spirit to reject the demands of the intellect and try to return to simple religious feeling. To this, however, the spirit can only attain by doing violence to itself, for the independence of consciousness demands satisfaction, and will not be thrust aside by force; and to renounce independent thought, is not within the power of the healthy mind. Religious feeling becomes yearning hypocrisy, and retains the moment of non-satisfaction. The other alternative is a one-sided attitude of indifference toward religion, which is either left unquestioned and let alone, or is ultimately attacked and opposed. That is the course followed by shallow spirits. **Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God. Translated from the 2d German ed. by E.B. Speirs, and J. Burdon Sanderson: the translation edited by E.B. Speirs. Published 1895 p. 49-50 * Spirit is knowledge; but in order that knowledge should exist, it is necessary that the content of that which it knows should have attained to this ideal form, and should in this way have been negated. What Spirit is must in that way have become its own, it must have described this circle; then these forms, differences, determinations finite qualities, must have existed in order that it should make them its own. This represents both the way and the goal-that Spirit should have attained to its own notion or conception, to that which it implicitly is, and in this way only, the way which has been indicated in its abstract moments, does it attain it. '''Revealed religion is manifested religion, because in it God has become wholly manifest.''' Here all is proportionate to the notion; there is no longer anything secret in God. **[http://www.archive.org/stream/lecturesonthephi00hegeuoft#page/n5/mode/2up Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God]. Translated from the 2d German ed. by E.B. Speirs, and J. Burdon Sanderson: the translation edited by E.B. Speirs. Published 1895 p. 84-85 * '''Faith must now get what is essentially the form of mediation.''' It itself is already this form implicitly, for it is knowledge of God and of his character, and this knowledge is in itself a process, a movement—is life, mediation. It is involved in the very nature of the freedom which is the inner characteristic of faith, that it should not be what we at first called substantial, solid unity, that it should not be idea; in freedom I exist on the contrary as that activity in the affirmation which is infinite negation of itself. Now if we should wish to give to mediation the form of an external mediation as the foundation of faith, then such a form would be a wrong one. This mediation, of which the basis is something external is false. The content of faith my indeed come to be my means of instruction, miracle, authority, etc. These may be the foundation of faith as subjective faith. But it is just in giving this position to the content whereby it assumes the character of a basis for me, that we go on a wrong track; and when faith is reached, this externality must drop away. In faith I make that my own which comes to me thus, and it ceases to be for me an Other. Immediate faith may be so defined as being the witness of the Spirit to Spirit, and this implies that no finite content has any place in it. Spirit witnesses only of Spirit, and only infinite things are mediated by means of external grounds. The true foundation of faith is the Spirit, and the witness of the Spirit is inherently living. Verification may at first appear in that external formal manner, but this must drop away. It may thus happen that faith in a religion has its commencement form such testimony, from miracles, that is in a finite content. Christ Himself, however, spoke against miracles, He reproached the Jews for demanding them of Him, and said to His disciples, “The Spirit will guide you into all truth.” **Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God. Translated from the 2d German ed. by E.B. Speirs, and J. Burdon Sanderson: the translation edited by E.B. Speirs. Published 1895 p. 218-219 *These are the Galla and Gaga tribes, which, as the most savage and most barbarous of conquerors, have repeatedly descended upon the coasts since the year 1542, pouring forth from the interior and inundating the whole country. These look upon man in the strength of his consciousness as too exalted to be capable of being killed by anything so obscure as the power of nature. What therefore takes place is, that sick people, in whose case magic has proved ineffectual, are put to death by their friends. '''In the same way the wild tribes of North America too killed their aged who had reached decrepitude, the meaning of which is unmistakable, namely, that man is not to perish by means of nature, but is to have due honour rendered to him at human hands.''' There is another people again who have the belief that everything would go to ruin if their high-priest were to die a natural death. He is therefore executed as soon as ever he becomes ill and weak; if a high-priest should notwithstanding die of some disease, they believe that some other person killed him by means of magic, and the magicians have to ascertain who the murderer was, when he is at once made away with. On the death of a king in particular, many persons are killed: according to a missionary of older days, it is the devil of the king who is slain. Such, then, is the very first form of religion, which cannot indeed as yet be properly called religion. ** Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 1 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson P. 297 ====Volume 2==== * An Englishman who, by a most careful investigation into the various representations, has sought to discover what is meant by Brahma, believes that Brahma is an epithet of praise, and is used as such just because he is not looked on as being himself solely this One, but, on the contrary, everything says of itself that it is Brahma. '''I refer to what [[James Mill|Mill]] says in his ''History of India''. He proves from many Indian writings that it is an epithet of praise which is applied to various deities, and does not represent the conception of perfection or unity which we associate with it.''' This is a mistake, for Brahma is in one aspect the One, the Immutable, who has, however, the element of change in him, and because of this, the rich variety of forms which is thus essentially his own is also predicated of him. Vishnu is also called the Supreme Brahma. Water and the sun are Brahma. ** Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 2 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson p. 27 * '''That man should think of God as nothingness must at first sight seem astonishing''', must appear to us a most peculiar idea. But, considered more closely, this determination means that God is absolutely nothing determined. He is the Undetermined; no determinateness of any kind pertains to God; He is the Infinite. This is equivalent to saying that God is the negation of all particularity. ** Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 2 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson p. 51 * Among the Romans in Christian times Mithras-worship as very widely spread, and so late as the Middle Ages '''we meet with a secret Mithras-worship ostensibly connected with the order of the Knights-Templars.''' Mithras thrusting the knife into the neck of the ox is a figurative representation belonging essentially to the cult of Mithras, of which examples have been frequently found in Europe. ** Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 2 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson p. 81-82 * In the religion of absolute Spirit the outward form of God is not made by the human spirit. God Himself is, in accordance with the true Idea, self-consciousness which exists in and for itself, Spirit. '''He produces Himself of His own act, appears as Being for “Other”; He is, by His own act, the Son; in the assumption of a definite form as the Son, the other part of the process is present, namely, that God loves the Son, posits Himself as identical with Him, yet also as distinct from Him.''' The assumption of form makes its appearance in the aspect of determinate Being as independent totality, but as a totality which is retained within love; here, for the first time, we have Spirit in and for itself. The self-consciousness of the Son regarding Himself is at the same time His knowledge of the Father; in the Father the Son has knowledge of His own self, of Himself. At our present stage, on the contrary, the determinate existence of God as God is not existence posited by Himself, but by what is Other. Here Spirit has stopped short half way. ** Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 2 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson p. 118 ====Volume 3==== *'''In the first element God is beyond time''', as the eternal Idea, existing in the element of eternity in so far as eternity is contrasted with time. Thus time in this complete and independent form, time in-and-for-self, unfolds itself and breaks up into past, present, and future. Thus the divine history in its '''second stage as appearance is regarded as the past''', it is, it has Being, but it is Being which is degraded to a mere semblance. In taking on the form of appearance it is immediate existence, which is at the same time negated, and this is the past. The divine history is thus regarded as something past, as representing the Historical properly so called. '''The third element is the present, yet it is only the limited present, not the eternal present''', but rather the present which distinguishes itself from the past and future, and represents the element of feeling, of the immediate subjectivity of spiritual Being which is now. **Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich, ''Lectures on the philosophy of religion, together with a work on the proofs of the existence of God.'' Vol 3 Translated from the 2d German ed. 1895 Ebenezer Brown Speirs 1854-1900, and J Burdon Sanderson P. 3 === ''[[w:Lectures on the Philosophy of History|Lectures on the Philosophy of History]]'' (1832) === ====Volume 1 ==== :<small>Also translated as ''Lectures on the Philosophy of World History''; [http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/hegel/works/hi/hiconten.htm Online translation]</small> * '''What experience and [[history]] teach is this — that nations and governments have never learned anything from history, or acted upon any lessons they might have drawn from it.''' ** Introduction, as translated by H. B. Nisbet (1975) ** Variant translation: '''What experience and history teach is this — that people and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it.''' Misquoted as: "We learn from history that we do not learn from history." ** Pragmatical (didactic) reflections, though in their nature decidedly abstract, are truly and indefeasibly of the '''Present''', and quicken the annals of the dead Past with the life of to-day. Whether, indeed, such reflections are truly interesting and enlivening, depends on the writer's own spirit. Moral reflections must here be specially noticed, the moral teaching expected from history; which latter has not unfrequently been treated with a direct view to the former. It may be allowed that examples of virtue elevate the soul, and are applicable in the moral instruction of children for impressing excellence upon their minds. But the destinies of peoples and states, their interests, relations, and the complicated tissue of their affairs, present quite another field. '''Rulers, Statesmen, Nations, are wont to be emphatically commended to the teaching which experience offers in history. But what experience and history teach is this, that peoples and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it.''' Each period is involved in such peculiar circumstances, exhibits a condition of things so strictly idiosyncratic, that its conduct must be regulated by considerations connected with itself, and itself alone. Amid the pressure of great events, a general principle gives no help. '''It is useless to revert to similar circumstances in the Past.''' The pallid shades of memory struggle in vain with the life and freedom of the '''Present'''. ** ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 6 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * Amid the pressure of great events, a general principle gives no help. * '''To him who looks upon the world rationally, the world in its turn presents a rational aspect. The relation is mutual.''' * '''It is easier to discover a deficiency in individuals, in states, and in providence, than to see their real import or value.''' * Life has a value only when it has something valuable as its object. * '''History is not the soil of happiness. The periods of happiness are blank pages in it.''' ** Variant, as translated by H. B. Nisbet (1975): '''History is not the soil in which happiness grows. The periods of happiness in it are the blank pages of history.''' ** ''Die Weltgeschichte ist nicht der Boden des Glücks. Die Perioden des Glücks sind leere Blätter in ihr.'' ** General Introduction to the Philosophy of History * Serious occupation is labor that has reference to some want. ** Pt. I, sec. 2, ch. 1 * The enquiry into the essential destiny of Reason as far as it is considered in reference to the World is identical with the question, what is the ultimate design of the World? And the expression implies that that design is destined to be realised! Two points of consideration suggest themselves: first, the import of this design its abstract definition; and secondly, its realization. It must be observed at the outset, that the phenomenon we investigate Universal History belongs to the realm of Spirit. The term “World" includes both physical and psychical Nature. Physical Nature also plays its part in the World's History, and attention will have to be paid to the fundamental natural relations thus involved. But Spirit, and the course of its development, is our substantial object. '''Our task does not require us to contemplate Nature as a Rational System in itself though in its own proper domain it proves itself such but simply in its relation to Spirit.''' On the stage on which we are observing it—'''Universal History—Spirit displays itself in its most concrete reality.''' Notwithstanding this (or rather for the very purpose of comprehending the general principles which this, its form of concrete reality, embodies) we must premise some abstract characteristics of the nature of Spirit. Such an explanation, however, cannot be given here under any other form than that of bare assertion. The present is not the occasion for unfolding the idea of Spirit speculatively ; for whatever has a place in an Introduction, must, as already observed, be taken as simply historical ; something assumed as having been explained and proved elsewhere; or whose demonstration awaits the sequel of '''the Science of History itself'''. ** ** ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 17 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * The nature of Spirit may be understood by a glance at its direct opposite Matter. As the essence of Matter is Gravity, so, on the other hand, we may affirm that the substance, the essence of Spirit is Freedom. All will readily assent to the doctrine that Spirit, among other properties, is also endowed with Freedom; but philosophy teaches that all the qualities of Spirit exist only through Freedom ; that all are but means for attaining Freedom ; that all seek and produce this and this alone. It is a result of speculative Philosophy, that Freedom is the sole truth of Spirit. Matter possesses gravity in virtue of its tendency towards a central point. It is essentially composite; consisting of parts that exclude each other. It seeks its Unity; and therefore exhibits itself as self- destructive, as verging towards its opposite [an indivisible point]. If it could attain this, it would be Matter no longer, it would have perished. It strives after the realization of its Idea; for in Unity it exists ideally. '''Spirit, on the contrary, may be defined as that which has its center in itself. It has not a unity outside itself, but has already found it; it exists in and with itself. Matter has its essence out of itself; Spirit is self-contained existence (''Bei-sich-selbst-seyn''). Now this is Freedom, exactly. ''For if I am dependent, my being is referred to something else which I am not; I cannot exist independently of something external. I am free, on the contrary, when my existence depends upon myself. This self-contained existence of Spirit is none other than self-consciousness consciousness of one's own being. Two things must be distinguished in consciousness; first, the fact that I know; secondly, what I know. In self-consciousness these are merged in one; for Spirit knows itself.'' It involves an appreciation of its own nature, as also an energy enabling it to realise itself; to make itself actually that which it is potentially.''' ** ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 18 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * Although Freedom is, primarily, an undeveloped idea, the means it uses are external and phenomenal; presenting themselves in History to our sensuous vision. '''The first glance at History convinces us that the actions of men proceed from their needs, their passions, their characters and talents; and impresses us with the belief that such needs, passions and interests are the sole springs of action — the efficient agents in this scene of activity. Among these may, perhaps, be found aims of a liberal or universal kind — benevolence it may be, or noble patriotism; but such virtues and general views are but insignificant as compared with the World and its doings. We may perhaps see the Ideal of Reason actualized in those who adopt such aims, and within the sphere of their influence; but they bear only a trifling proportion to the mass of the human race; and the extent of that influence is limited accordingly. Passions, private aims, and the satisfaction of selfish desires, are on the other hand, most effective springs of action.''' Their power lies in the fact that they respect none of the limitations which justice and morality would impose on them; and that these natural impulses have a more direct influence over man than the artificial and tedious discipline that tends to order and self-restraint, law and morality. When we look at this display of passions, and the consequences of their violence; the Unreason which is associated not ,only with them, but even (rather we might say ''especially'') with good designs and righteous aims; when we see the evil, the vice, the ruin that has befallen the most flourishing kingdoms which the mind of man ever created, we can scarce avoid being filled with sorrow at this universal taint of corruption: and, since this decay is not the work of mere Nature, but of the Human Will — a moral embitterment — a revolt of the Good Spirit (if it have a place within us) may well be the result of our reflections. ** Pt. III, sec. 2, ch. 24 ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 21 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * Without rhetorical exaggeration, a simply truthful combination of the miseries that have overwhelmed the noblest of nations and polities, and the finest exemplars of private virtue, forms a picture of most fearful aspect, and excites emotions of the profoundest and most hopeless sadness, counterbalanced by no consolatory result. We endure in beholding it a mental torture, allowing no defence or escape but the consideration that what has happened could not be otherwise ; that it is a fatality which no intervention could alter. And at last we draw back from the intolerable disgust with which these sorrowful reflections threaten us, into the more agreeable environment of our individual life the '''Present''' formed by our private aims and interests. In short we retreat into the selfishness that stands on the quiet shore, and thence enjoys in safety the distant spectacle of "wrecks confusedly hurled." But even regarding '''History as the slaughter-bench''' at which the happiness of peoples, the wisdom of States, and the virtue of individuals have been victimised the question involuntarily arises to what principle, to what final aim these.enormous sacrifices have been offered. ** ''Geschichte Als Schlachtbank'' ** Pt. III, sec. 2, ch. 24 ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 22 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * Subjective volition Passion is that which sets men in activity, that which effects" practical" realization. The Idea is the inner spring of action; the State is the actually existing, realized moral life. For it is the Unity of the universal, essential Will, with that of the individual; and this is “Morality." '''The Individual living in this unity has a moral "life; possesses a value that consists in this substantiality alone. [[Sophocles]] in his [[Antigone]], says, "The divine commands are not of yesterday, nor of to-day; no, they have an infinite existence, and no one could say whence they came." The laws of morality are not accidental, but are the essentially Rational. It is the very object of the State that what is essential in the practical activity of men, and in their dispositions, should be duly recognized; that it should have a manifest existence, and maintain its position. It is the absolute interest of Reason that this moral Whole should exist; and herein lies the justification and merit of heroes who have founded states, however rude these may have been. In the history of the World, only those peoples can come under our notice which form a state. For it must be understood that this latter is the realization of Freedom, i.e. of the absolute final aim, and that it exists for its own sake.''' It must further be understood that all the worth which the human being possesses all spiritual reality, he possesses only through the State. For his spiritual reality consists in this, that his own essence Reason is objectively present to him, that it possesses objective immediate existence for him. '''Thus only is he fully conscious; thus only is he a partaker of morality of a just and moral social and political life. For Truth is the Unity of the universal and subjective Will'''; and the Universal is to be found in the State, in its laws, its universal and rational arrangements. The State is the Divine Idea as it exists on Earth. We have in it, therefore, the object of History in a more definite shape than before; that in which Freedom obtains objectivity, and lives in the enjoyment of this objectivity. For Law is the objectivity of Spirit; volition in its true form. Only that will which obeys law, is free; for it obeys itself; it is independent and so free. When the State or our country constitutes a community of existence; when the subjective will of man submits to laws, the contradiction between Liberty and Necessity vanishes. The Rational has necessary existence, as being the reality and substance of things, and we are free in recognizing it as law, and following it as the substance of our own being. T'''he objective and the subjective will are then reconciled, and present one identical homogeneous whole.''' ** ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 40-41 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * Universal History exhibits the gradation in the development of that principle whose substantial purport is '''the consciousness of Freedom'''. The analysis of the successive grades, in their abstract form, belongs to ''Logic''; in their concrete aspect to the ''Philosophy of Spirit''. Here it is sufficient to state that the first step in the process presents that immersion of Spirit in Nature which has been already referred to ; the second shows it as advancing to the consciousness of its freedom. But this initial separation from Nature is imperfect and partial, since it is derived immediately from the merely natural state, is consequently related to it, and is still encumbered with it as an essentially connected element. The third step is the elevation of the soul from this still limited and special form of freedom to its pure universal form ; that state in which the spiritual essence attains the consciousness and feeling of itself. These grades are the ground-principles of the general process; but how each of them on the other hand involves within itself a process of formation, constituting the links in a dialectic of transition, to particularise this must be preserved for the sequel. Here we have only to indicate that Spirit begins with a germ of infinite possibility, but only possibility, containing its substantial existence in an undeveloped form, as the object and goal which it reaches only in its resultant full reality. '''In actual existence Progress appears as an advancing from the imperfect to the more perfect; but the former must not be understood abstractly as only the imperfect, but as something which involves the very opposite of itself the so-called perfect as a germ or impulse. So reflectively, at least possibility points to something destined to become actual; the Aristotelian ''[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%CE%B4%CF%8D%CE%BD%CE%B1%CE%BC%CE%B9%CF%82 δύναμιςis]'' also ''potentia'', power and might. Thus the Imperfect, as involving its opposite, is a contradiction, which certainly exists, but which is continually annulled and solved; the instinctive movement the inherent impulse in the life of the soul to break through the rind of mere nature, sensuousness, and that which is alien to it, and to attain to the light of consciousness, i. e. to itself.''' **''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 58-59 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * '''The Democratical State is not Patriarchal''', does not rest on a still unreflecting, undeveloped confidence, but implies laws, with the consciousness of their being founded on an equitable and moral basis, and the recognition of these laws as positive. At the time of the Kings, no political life had as yet made its appearance in Hellas; there are, therefore, only slight traces of Legislation. But in the interval from the Trojan War till near the time of Cyrus, its necessity was felt. The first Lawgivers are known under the name of The Seven Sages, a title which at that time did not imply any such character as that of the Sophists teachers of wisdom, designedly [and systematically] proclaiming the Bight and True but merely thinking men, whose thinking stopped short of Science, properly so called. They were practical politicians; the good counsels which two of them Thales of Miletus and Bias of Priene gave to the Ionian cities, have been already mentioned. Thus Solon was commissioned by the Athenians to give them laws, as those then in operation no longer sufficed. Solon gave the Athenians a constitution by which all obtained equal rights, yet not so as to render the Democracy a quite abstract one. The main point in Democracy is moral disposition. Virtue is the basis of Democracy, remarks Montesquieu; and this sentiment is as important as it is true in reference to the idea of Democracy commonly entertained. The Substance, [the Principle] of Justice, the common weal, the general interest, is the main consideration; but it is so only as Custom, in the form of Objective Will, so that morality properly so called subjective conviction and intention has not yet manifested itself. Law exists, and is in point of substance, the Law of Freedom, rational [in its form and purport,] and valid because it is Law, i.e. without ulterior sanction. As in Beauty the Natural element its sensuous coefficient remains, so also in this customary morality, laws assume the form of a necessity of Nature. **''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 261 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * '''It is a matter of perfect indifference where a thing originated; the only question is: "Is it true in and for itself?"''' Many think that by pronouncing a doctrine to be Neo-Platonic, they have ''ipso facto'' banished it from Christianity. Whether a Christian doctrine stands exactly thus or thus in the Bible, the point to which the exegetical scholars of modern times devote all their attention is not the only question. The Letter kills, the Spirit makes alive: this they say themselves, yet pervert the sentiment by taking the ''Understanding for the Spirit.'' ** Pt. III, sec. 3, ch. 2 ''Lectures on the History of History'' Vol 1 p. 344 John Sibree translation (1857), 1914 * The Few assume to be the ''deputies'', but they are often only the ''despoilers'' of the Many. ** Pt. IV, sec. 3, ch. 3 * ''Abstraktionen in der Wirklichkeit geltend machen, heißt Wirklichkeit zerstören.'' ** To make abstractions hold in reality is to destroy reality. ** ''Vorlesungen über der Geschichte der Philosophie'' (herausgegeben von D. Karl Ludwig Michelet) Dritter Band. Berlin, 1836. Verlag von Dunder und humblot. (p. 553) * In history, we are concerned with what has been and what is; in philosophy, however, we are concerned not with what belongs exclusively to the past or to the future, but with that which is, both now and eternally — in short, with reason. ** As translated by H. B. Nisbet (1975) <!-- p. 171 --> * On the stage on which we are observing it, — Universal History — Spirit displays itself in its most concrete reality. * The destiny of the spiritual World, and, — since this is ''the substantial World'', while the physical remains subordinate to it, or, in the language of speculation, has no truth ''as against'' the spiritual, — the final ''cause of the World at large'', we allege to be the ''consciousness'' of its own freedom on the part of Spirit, and ''ipso facto'', the reality of that freedom. * The ''first'' remark we have to make, and which — though already presented more than once — cannot be too often repeated when the occasion seems to call for it, — is that what we call ''principle, aim, destiny'', or the nature and idea of Spirit, is something merely general and abstract. Principle — Plan of Existence — Law — is a hidden, undeveloped essence, which as such — however true in itself — is not completely real. * Aims, principles, &c., have a place in our thoughts, in our subjective design only; but not yet in the sphere of reality. That which exists for itself only, is a possibility, a potentiality; but has not yet emerged into Existence. A ''second'' element must be introduced in order to produce actuality — viz. actuation, realization; and whose motive power is the Will — the activity of man in the widest sense. [[File:Cheshm manuscript.jpg|thumb|right|Science and knowledge, especially that of philosophy, came from the Arabs into the West.]] * We assert then that nothing has been accomplished without interest on the part of the actors; and — if interest be called passion, inasmuch as the whole individuality, to the neglect of all other actual or possible interests and claims, is devoted to an object with every fibre of volition, concentrating all its desires and powers upon it — '''we may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the World has been accomplished without passion.''' ** Often abbreviated to: '''Nothing great in the World has been accomplished without passion.''' ** Variant translation: '''We may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without enthusiasm.''' * This final aim is God's purpose with the world; but God is the absolutely perfect Being, and can, therefore, will nothing but himself. The great empire of the Caliphs did not last long: for on the basis presented by Universality nothing is firm. The great Arabian empire fell about the same time as that of the Franks: thrones were demolished by slaves and by fresh invading hordes the Seljuks and Mongols and new kingdoms founded, new dynasties raised to the throne. The Osman race at last succeeded in establishing a firm dominion, by forming for themselves a firm center in the Janizaries. Fanaticism having cooled down, no moral principle remained in men's souls. In the struggle with the Saracens, European valour had idealized itself to a fair and noble chivalry. '''Science and knowledge, especially that of philosophy, came from the Arabs into the West.''' ''A noble poetry and free imagination was kindled among the Germans by the East a fact which directed Goethe's attention to the Orient and occasioned the composition of a string of lyric pearls, in his "Divan," which in warmth and felicity of fancy cannot be surpassed.'' **''Lectures on the Philosophy of History'', H.G. Bohn, 1857, part IV. The German world, p. 374 * Viewed in the light of such facts, we may conclude slavery to have been the occasion of the increase of human feeling among the Negroes. The doctrine which we deduce from this condition of slavery among the Negroes, and which constitutes the only side of the question that has an interest for our inquiry, is that which we deduce from the Idea: viz., that the “Natural condition” itself is one of absolute and thorough injustice – contravention of the Right and Just. Every intermediate grade between this and the realization of a rational State retains – as might be expected – elements and aspects of injustice; therefore we find slavery even in the Greek and Roman States, as we do serfdom down to the latest times. But thus existing in a State, slavery is itself a phase of advance from the merely isolated sensual existence – a phase of education – a mode of becoming participant in a higher morality and the culture connected with it. Slavery is in and for itself injustice, for the essence of humanity is Freedom; but for this man must be matured. The gradual abolition of slavery is therefore wiser and more equitable than its sudden removal. ** As quoted by [[wikisource:Author:L. Q. C. Lamar|L. Q. C. Lamar]], Speech in Congress, February 21, 1860 and ''The Mind of the Master Class'', by [[w:Elizabeth Fox-Genovese|Elizabeth Fox-Genovese]], p. 156 ====Volume 2==== *Aristotle (De Anima, I. 1) makes in the first place the general remark that it appears as if the soul must, on the one hand, be regarded in its freedom as independent and as separable from the body, since in thinking it is independent; and, on the other hand, since in the emotions it appears to be united with the body and not separate, it must also be looked on as being inseparable from it; for '''the emotions show themselves as materialized Notions (''λόγοι έννοια'')''', as material modes of what is spiritual. With this a twofold method of considering the soul, also known to Aristotle, comes into play, namely the purely rational or logical view, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, the physical or physiological; these we still see practiced side by side. According to the one view, anger, for instance, is looked on as an eager desire for retaliation or the like; according to the other view it is the surging upward of the heartblood and the warm element in man. The former is the rational, the latter the material view of anger; just as one man may define a house as a shelter against wind, rain, and other destructive agencies, while another defines it as consisting of wood and stone; that is to say, the former gives the determination and the form, or the purpose of the thing, while the latter specifies the material it is made of, and its necessary conditions. ** Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Lectures on the Philosophy of History Vol 2'' 1837 translated by ES Haldane and Francis H. Simson first translated 1894 p. 181 *That condition which man terms the life of man in unity with nature, and in which man meets with God in nature because he finds his satisfaction there, has ceased to exist. The unity of man with the world is for this end broken, that it may be restored in a higher unity, that the world, as an intelligible world, may be received into God. The relation of man to God thereby reveals itself in the way provided for our salvation in worship, but more particularly it likewise shows itself in Philosophy; and that with the express consciousness of the aim that the individual should render himself capable of belonging to this intelligible world. The manner in which man represents to himself his relation to God is more particularly determined by the manner in which man represents to himself God. '''What is now often said, that man need not know God, and may yet have the knowledge of this relation, is false. Since God is the First, He determines the relation, and therefore in order to know what is the truth of the relation, man must know God.''' Since therefore thought goes so far as to deny the natural, what we are now concerned with is not to seek truth in any existing mode, but from our inner Being to go forth again to a true objective, which derives its determination from the intrinsic nature of thought. ** Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Lectures on the Philosophy of History Vol 2'' 1837 translated by ES Haldane and Francis H. Simson first translated 1894 p. 386-387 ====Volume 3==== *Very similar were the views expressed by '''Raymundus of Sabunde''' or Sabeyde, a Spaniard of the fifteenth century, and professor at Toulouse about the year 1437. In his theologia natural is, which he handled in a speculative spirit, he dealt with the Nature of things, and with the revelation of God in Nature and in the history of the God-man. He sought to prove to unbelievers the Being, the trinity, the incarnation, the life, and the revelation of God in Nature, and in the history of the God-man, basing his arguments on Reason. From the contemplation of Nature he rises to God; and in the same way he reaches morality from; observation of man's inner nature. This purer and simpler style must be set off against the other, if we are to do justice to the Scholastic theologians in their turn. **Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Lectures on the Philosophy of History Vol 3'' 1837 translated by ES Haldane and Francis H. Simson) first translated 1896 P. 91-92 *This is [[Giordano Bruno|Bruno's]] fundamental idea. He says: ”To recognize this unity of form and matter in all things, is what reason is striving to attain to. But in order to penetrate to this unity, in order to investigate all the secrets of Nature, we must search into the opposed and contradictory extremes of things, the maximum and the minimum” It is in these very extremes that they are intelligible, and become united in the Notion; and this union of them is infinite Nature. “To find the point of union is not the greatest matter; but to develop from, the same its very opposite, this is the real and the deepest secret of the art” It is saying much if we speak of knowing the development of the Idea as a necessity of determinations; we shall see later how Bruno proceeded to do this. He represents the original principle, which is elsewhere known as the form, under the Notion of the minimum, which is at the same time the maximum One, which at the same time is All; the universe is this One in All. **Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Lectures on the Philosophy of History Vol 3'' 1837 translated by ES Haldane and Francis H. Simson) first translated 1896 P. 128 * '''In connection with Kant we must here begin by speaking of Jacobi, whose philosophy is contemporaneous with that of Kant;''' in both of these the advance beyond the preceding period is very evident. The result in the two cases is much the same, although both the starting point and the method of progression are somewhat different. In Jacobi's case the stimulus was given mainly by French philosophy, with which he was very conversant, and also by German metaphysics, while Kant began rather from the English side, that is, from the skepticism of Hume. Jacobi, in that negative attitude which he preserved as well as Kant, kept before him the objective aspect of the method of knowledge, and specially considered it, for he declared knowledge to be in its content incapable of recognizing the Absolute: the truth must be concrete, present, but not finite. Kant does not consider the content, but took the view of knowledge being subjective; and for this reason he declared it to be incapable of recognizing absolute existence. To Kant knowledge is thus a knowledge of phenomena only, not because the categories are merely limited and finite, but because they are subjective. To Jacobi, on the other hand, the chief point is that the categories are not merely subjective, but that they themselves are conditioned. This is an essential difference between the two points of view, even if they both arrive at the same result. **Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, ''Lectures on the Philosophy of History Vol 3'' 1837 translated by ES Haldane and Francis H. Simson) first translated 1896 p. 410-411 === ''[[w:Lectures on Aesthetics|Lectures on Aesthetics]]'' (1835) === * '''[[Poetry]] is the universal [[art]] of the spirit which has become free in itself and which is not tied down for its realization to external sensuous material; instead, it launches out exclusively in the inner [[space]] and the inner [[time]] of ideas and feelings.''' ** As quoted in the ''Introduction to Aesthetics'' (1842), translated by T. M. Knox, (1979), p. 89 * ''Die Architektur ist dann die Kristallisation, die Skulptur die organische Figuration der Materie in ihrer sinnlich-räumlichen Totalität; die Malerei die gefärbte Fläche und Linie; während in der Musik der Raum überhaupt zu dem in sich erfüllten Punkt der Zeit übergeht; bis das äußere Material endlich in der Poesie ganz zur Wertlosigkeit herabgesetzt ist.'' ** Architecture is treated as crystallisation; sculpture, as the organic modelling of the material in its sensuous and spatial totality; painting, as the coloured surface and line; while in music, space, as such, passes into the point of time possessed of content within itself, until finally the external medium is in poetry depressed into complete insignificance. *** [https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/hegel/works/ae/ch03.htm Part III] == Quotes about Hegel == [[File:Hegel by Kugler (retouched).jpg|thumb|Just as Hegel saw his chair of philosophy giving overall coherence to the intellectual variety of the new university, so the World Spirit provided a unifying rationale to the historical process. ~ {{w|James H. Billington}}]] [[File:Schoppe Das gelehrte Berlin.jpg|thumb|[[George Berkeley|Berkeley]], [[David Hume|Hume]], [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]], [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]], Hegel, [[William James|James]], [[Henri Bergson|Bergson]] all are united in one earnest attempt, the attempt to reinstate man with his high spiritual claims in a place of importance in the cosmic scheme. ~ [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]]]] [[File:Friedrich Engels (1820–1895), 1864.png|thumb|Hegel was the first to state correctly the relation between freedom and necessity. To him, freedom is the insight into necessity. ~ [[Friedrich Engels]]]] [[File:Francis Fukuyama 2005.jpg|thumb| Hegel was the first philosopher to speak the language of modern social science, insofar as man for him was the product of his concrete historical and social environment and not, as earlier natural right theorists would have it, a collection of more or less fixed "natural" attributes. ~ [[Francis Fukuyama]]]] [[File:Grave-of-Hegel.jpg|thumb|[[Change]], according to [[w:Hegel|Hegel]], was the [[rule]] of [[life]]. Every idea irrepressibly bred its opposite and the two merged into a [[w:synthesis|synthesis]] which in turn produced its own [[w:contradiction|contradiction]]. ~ [[w: Robert Heilbroner| Robert Heilbroner]]]] [[File:Karl Marx.png|thumb|Hegel remarks somewhere that all facts and personages of great importance in world history occur, as it were, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce. ~ [[Karl Marx]]]] [[File:Bertrand Russell, by J. F. Horrabin.jpg|thumb|Hegel published his proof that there must be exactly seven planets just a week before the discovery of the eighth. The matter was hushed up, and a new, revised edition was hastily prepared; nevertheless, there were some who scoffed. ~ [[Bertrand Russell]]]] [[File:Hegel (Neues Museum Nürnberg).jpg|thumb|Hegel expressed his formulation that the purpose of ''Phenomenology'' is to find the magic words with which you can conjure up the shape of the future. He was, consummately, a sorcerer. [...] it is quite consciously a magic act by which reality is transmogrified into the perfect reality. ~ [[Eric Voegelin]]]] :<small>Alphabetized by surname</small> * Hegel ... destroyed the illusion of the subject's being-in-itself and showed that the subject is itself an aspect of social objectivity. ... However, ... we must ask this question: is this objectivity which we have shown to be a necessary condition and which subsumes abstract subjectivity in fact the higher factor? Does it not rather remain precisely what Hegel reproached it with being in his youth, namely pure externality, the coercive collective? Does not the retreat to this supposedly higher authority signify the regression of the subject, which had earlier won its freedom only with the greatest efforts, with infinite pains? ** [[Theodor Adorno]], ''Lectures on Negative Dialectics'' (1965-66), translated by Rodney Livingstone (Polity Press: 2008), [https://books.google.com/books?id=bR0-BQAAQBAJ&pg=PT44 p. 44] * Hegel's complex thought was brought into focus by power "concentrated in a point," which made new beginnings possible. When political reaction followed Napoleonic innovations and Prussian reform , Hegel sought to convert philosophy into a political weapon. He succeeded in politicizing philosophy; his lectures satisfied the striving toward power and "relevance" that was inherent in the University of Berlin-and in much of modern intellectual life.<br>Hegel expressed, first of all, the supreme self-confidence of the thinking man in the value of his thought. Everything became relative to historical context because his own capacity for seeing the whole picture was assumed to be absolute. Accepting the romantic belief that truth was revealed in the peculiarities of history rather than in a static natural order, Hegel nevertheless simultaneously pressed the Enlightenment idea that all was rational. His method applied reason to precisely those phenomena that most interested the romantic mind : art, philosophy, and religion.<br>'''He had begun as a student of theology, in search of a theodicy, a justification of the ways of God to man ; he ended up instead creating a new God : the "World Spirit." ''' Just as Hegel saw his chair of philosophy giving overall coherence to the intellectual variety of the new university, so the World Spirit provided a unifying rationale to the historical process. Just as Berlin University was the dynamo for regenerating German society, so Hegel's philosophy was its source of dynamism. ** [[w:James H. Billington|James H. Billington]] (1980). ''Fire in the Minds of Men: The Origins of the Revolutionary Faith''. NY:Basic Books, p. 227 * Clearness and vividness in writing often turn on mere specificity. To say that Major André was hanged is clear and definite; to say that he as killed is less definite, because you do not know in what way he was killed; to say that he died is still more indefinite because you do not even know whether his death was due to violence or to natural causes. If we were to use this statement as a varying symbol by which to rank writers for clearness, we might, I think, get something like the following: Swift, Macauley, and Shaw would say that André was hanged. Bradley would say that he was killed. Bosanquet would say that he died. Kant would say that his mortal existence achieved its termination. Hegel would say that a finite determination of infinity had been further determined by its own negation. ** [[w:Brand Blanshard|Bran Blanshard]], On Philosophical Style, Manchester University Press, 1954, pp. 30–31 * [[George Berkeley|Berkeley]], [[David Hume|Hume]], [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]], [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]], Hegel, [[William James|James]], [[Henri Bergson|Bergson]] all are united in one earnest attempt, the attempt to reinstate man with his high spiritual claims in a place of importance in the cosmic scheme. ** [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]], ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' (1925) * Hegel clothed his absolute in the mystical shape of a world spirit, and made the cardinal error of bringing the course of history to an end in the present instead of projecting it into the future. He recognized a process of continuous evolution in the past, and incongruously denied it in the future. ** [[E. H. Carr]], ''What is History?'' (1961). Chap. 5 : History as Progress * There is an apocryphal story that, when Hegel was lecturing on the philosophy of history, a history student in the class interrupted to say, 'But Herr Professor, the facts are different,' to which Hegel, unruffled, replied, 'So much the worse for the facts.' ** Andrew Collier, ''Marx: A Beginner's Guide'' (2008), Ch. 8 * Following Kant, the most significant German philosopher was Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, whose emphasis on mind and idealism was, if anything, even greater than Kant's, as his practical influence also may have been during the nineteenth century. Hayek abhorred Hegel, considering his work virtually without value. At the same time, Hegel's emphasis on mind and idealism indicate the philosophical heritage from which Hayek sprang. ** [[Alan Ebenstein]], ''Hayek's Journey: The Mind of Friedrich Hayek'' (2003), Ch. 2. German and Viennese Intellectual Thought * Hegel was the first to state correctly the relation between freedom and necessity. To him, freedom is the insight into necessity. ** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''Anti-Dühring'', pt. 1, ch. 11 (1878) * For better or worse, much of Hegel's historicism has become part of our contemporary intellectual baggage.  The notion that mankind has progresses through a series of primitive stages of consciousness on his path to the present, and that these stages corresponded to concrete forms of social organization, such as tribal, slave owning, theocratic, and finally democratic egalitarian societies, has become inseparable form the modern understanding of man.  Hegel was the first philosopher to speak the language of modern social science, insofar as man for him was the product of his concrete historical and social environment and not, as earlier natural right theorists would have it, a collection of more or less fixed "natural" attributes. The mastery and transformation of man's natural environment through the application of science and technology was originally not a Marxist concept, but a Hegelian one. Unlike later historicists whose historical relativism degenerated into relativism tout court, however, Hegel believed that history culminated in an absolute moment -- a moment in which a final, rational form of society and state became victorious ** [[Francis Fukayama]] (1992) ''The End of History and the Last Man'' * Rigorously applied to modern [[Communist society]], Hegel could be quite a problem. ** [[John Kenneth Galbraith]], ''{{w|The Age of Uncertainty}}'', Chapter 3, p. 83 * [[Hegel]]'s ''insania'' in the dissertation under question seems to be wisdom compared with his later ones. ** [[Carl Friedrich Gauss]], as quoted in ''Carl Friedrich Gauss: Titan of Science'' (2004) by Guy Waldo Dunnington. p. 361. In reference to Hegel's followers. * What [[Kant]] regarded as a unique (Copernican) turn to transcendental reflection becomes in Hegel a general mechanism for turning consciousness back upon itself. This mechanism has been switched on and off time and time again in the development of spirit. As the subject becomes conscious of itself, it destroys one form of consciousness after another. This process epitomizes the subjective experience that what initially appears to the subject as a being in itself can become content only in the forms imparted to it by the subject. The transcendental philosopher's experience is thus, according to Hegel, reenacted naively whenever an in-itself becomes a for-the-subject. What Hegel calls “Dialectical” is the reconstruction of this recurrent experience and of its assimilation by the subject, which gives rise to ever more complex structures. ... Hegel, it should be noted, exposes himself to a criticism. ... Reconstructing successive forms of consciousness is one thing. Proving the necessity of their succession is quite another. ** [[Jürgen Habermas]], ''Moral Consciousness and Communicative Action'' (C. Lenhart and S. Nicholsen, trans.) Cambridge: 1995), p. 5 * Hegel had no adequate knowledge of the systematic complexity and historical variability of classical Indian thought.' Hegel was not well-versed in Sanskrit, and his polemical use of Indian culture was entirely speculative, based on his own idiosyncrasies and the specific needs of the time. He did not seem concerned about empirical validity, relying instead on wild abstractions that often made India look like a caricature. .... Hegel does provide us with an example of a very serious and comprehensive discussion of Indian thought. Yet his historical segregation of philosophy from religion, his devaluation of any form of yearning for a lost unity, and his conviction that Europe, by unfolding the 'actual,' 'real' philosophy committed to the spirit of free science, had essentially surpassed the Orient, instead contributed to a restricted use of the concept of philosophy and to a self-limitation in the historiography of philosophy. **Halbfass, 1988 Halbfass, Wilhelm. India and Europe, An Essay in Understanding. Albany:SUNY Press, 1988. quoted in Malhotra, R., & Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism. * We question whether Hegel himself would have been able to account for the rise of an Hegelian school in America, an event which has transpired in contradiction to the fundamental principles laid down in his history of philosophy. The circumstances of its origin also in a city like St. Louis, from a native German who deigns to publish nothing himself, and whose disciples are with few exceptions outside of academic circles, have often suggested the question whether the movement rested upon any thing deeper than love of paradox, affectation, and sentimentality. ** [[w:G. Stanley Hall|G. Stanley Hall]] ''Aspects of German Culture'' 1881 * [[Change]], according to [[w:Hegel|Hegel]], was the [[rule]] of [[life]]. Every idea irrepressibly bred its opposite and the two merged into a [[w:synthesis|synthesis]] which in turn produced its own [[w:contradiction|contradiction]]. **[[w: Robert Heilbroner| Robert Heilbroner]], [[w:The Worldly Philosophers|The Worldly Philosophers]], Chapter VI, p. 134 * The future society is to be the work not of the heart, but of the concrete. '''Hegel is the new Christ bringing the word of truth to men.''' ** [[w:Alexander Herzen|Alexander Herzen]], as quoted in [[w:James H. Billington|James H. Billington]] (1980). ''Fire in the Minds of Men: The Origins of the Revolutionary Faith''. NY:Basic Books, p. 227 * Georg W. F. Hegel's philosophy is another fundamentally [[w:Counter-Enlightenment|Counter-Enlightenment]] attack on reason and individualism. His philosophy is a partially secularized version of traditional Judeo-Christian cosmology. While [[Kant]]'s concerns centered upon epistemology, Hegel's centered upon metaphysics. For Kant, preserving faith led him to deny reason, while for Hegel preserving the spirit of Judeo-Christian metaphysics led him to be more anti-reason and antiindividualist than Kant ever was. ** [[w:Stephen Hicks|Stephen Hicks]], ''Explaining Postmodernism: Skepticism and Socialism from Rousseau to Foucalt'' Scholargy Press, p. 43 * Hegel agreed with Kant that realism and objectivism were dead ends. Kant had transcended them by making the subject prior, but from Hegel's perspective he had been too wishy-washy in doing so. Kant made the subject responsible only for the phenomenal world of experience, leaving noumenal reality forever closed off to us. This was intolerable to Hegel—after all, the whole point of philosophy is to achieve union with reality, to escape the merely sensuous and finite and to come to know and be one with the supersensuous and infinite.<br>However, Hegel had no intention of trying to solve the epistemological puzzles about perception, concept-formation, and induction that had set Kant's agenda, in order to show us how we might acquire knowledge of the noumenal. Instead, taking a cue from Johann Fichte, Hegel's strategy was to assert boldly an identity of subject and object, thus closing the gap metaphysically. ** [[w:Stephen Hicks|Stephen Hicks]], ''Explaining Postmodernism: Skepticism and Socialism from Rousseau to Foucalt'' Scholargy Press, pp. 44-45 * Theories of politics or of conduct that live long and retain influence have something more than theory behind them. They appeal to powerful instincts and interests, and the Hegelian philosophy is no exception. It appeals to the instincts and interests of counsellors and kings, of privileged classes, of Property and Order. It plays on the fear of fundamental criticism, of the razor-edge of thought, of the claim of conscience to scrutinize institutions and ordinances. It appeals to the slavishness which accepts a master if he will give the slave a share of tyranny over others more deeply enslaved. It satisfies national egotism and class ascendancy. ** [[w:Leonard Hobhouse|L. T. Hobhouse]] (1914), ''The Metaphysical Theory of the State'' pp. 134-135 * Historically, when philosophy runs up against science, philosophy loses. Think of the bishops who refused to look through Galileo's telescope. Or Hegel's proving by logic that there can be no more than seven planets. ** [[w:Norman N. Holland|Norman N. Holland]] (1992), ''The Critical I''. New York: Columbia University Press, {{ISBN|0-231-07650-9}}, p. 165 * There is reason in being, nature and history for Hegel. Such reason, or, as Hegel calls it, the 'Idea', is a reality, not a fiction. It is not, however, a transcendent power that dominates from on high the world in which we live. In that sense, it is not the infamous 'Absolute' attacked so frequently by Hegel's critics. The Idea is, rather, the rationality that is immanent in the world itself: the world's own inherent logic. In nature the Idea is the logic that is immanent in and generated by space as such and that leads to the emergence of freely moving matter and eventually to life. In history the Idea is nothing other than the logic that is immanent within and generated by human action and that leads human beings to become more social and more self-conscious as they seek to satisfy their interests. ** Stephen Houlgate, ''An Introduction to Hegel: Freedom, Truth and History'', 2nd ed. (2005), Chap. 1 : History and Truth * Hegel's logic requires our ordinary understanding to transform itself into dialectical thinking, but it sets out that process of transformation in a way that ordinary understanding can clearly understand. Hegel's logic is thus not some esoteric exercise in mystical thinking that can only be grasped by specially gifted initiates. It is the presuppositionless study of thought which is assessable and understandable by anyone who is prepared to be fully self-critical. Ordinary consciousness can understand the need for a presupposition - less logic and, as long as it is prepared to see its categories redefined, and see itself transformed in the process, it can understand the development of such a logic as well. ** Stephen Houlgate, ''An Introduction to Hegel: Freedom, Truth and History'', 2nd ed. (2005), Chap. 2 : Thinking without Presuppositions * As in the ''Phenomenology'' and elsewhere in his system, therefore, Hegel is concerned above all in the philosophy of nature not to reduce phenomena to mere expressions of a single, universal principle, but to understand the unique specificity of each phenomenon in turn, as well as the distinctive logic immanent in that specificity that makes further specificities necessary. In other words (and ''pace'' critics, such as Deleuze), Hegel endeavours throughout his mature work on nature and on the human spirit to develop a fully articulated philosophy of ''difference''. ** Stephen Houlgate, ''An Introduction to Hegel: Freedom, Truth and History'', 2nd ed. (2005), Chap. 5 : Reason in Nature * Frau Edouard Devrient: "Do tell me, who is the stupid fellow sitting next to me?" [[w:Felix Mendelssohn|Felix Mendelssohn]] (behind his napkin): "The stupid fellow next to you is the philosopher Hegel." ** [[w:Paul Johnson (writer)|Paul Johnson]], in ''The Birth of the Modern'' (1991), pp. 817–818 * The question would then turn '''on the significance of Hegel's ''Phaenomenologie'' for the System''': whether it is an Introduction, whether it remains outside the System, and if it is an Introduction, whether it is again incorporated within the System; furthermore, whether Hegel does not have to his credit the astonishing achievement of not only having written the System, but of having written two, eye, three Systems, which must always require a matchless systematic talent, but which nevertheless seems be the case, since the System is finished more than once. **[[Soren Kierkegaard]], Concluding Unscientific Postscript, Swenson translation 1941 p. 106 * Situation: that '''Hegel in punishment for his attack upon the religious would have to deliver an upbuilding discourse.''' ** Soren Kierkegaard, Journals and Papers 1 630 (Pap. VI A 147) 1845 * The second important characteristic of this utopia [as posited by Marxists] was the belief that the glorious future is not simply predetermined by the course of history hitherto, but that the future was already there, not empirically noticeable and yet more real than the empirical present about to crumble. This belief in a “higher” reality which, albeit invisible, was already embedded in the actual world could be traced back, to be sure, to its Hegelian sources; more exactly, it was an extension into the future-illegitimate in strictly Hegelian terms-of the Hegelian way of investigating the past. '''This enviable ability to detect in what appears to be something that appears not to be but that in fact is in a more eminent sense than what is “merely” empirical was itself in Hegel a secularized version of the Christian concept of salvation which, though not perceptible directly, is not just inscribed in God's plan but has already occurred, since in the divine timelessness whatever is going to happen did happen.''' It justifies the illimited self-righteousness of those who not only are capable of predicting the future but in fact are already its blessed owners, and it gives them the right to treat the actual world as essentially non-existent. ** [[Leszek Kolakowski]], “The Death of Utopia Reconsidered,” part of the Tanner Lectures on Human Values, Delivered at The Australian National University, June 22,1982 * Hegel... scornfully characterizes [[w:Empiricism|Empiricism]] as seeking truth in Experience instead of in Thought. It is on such principles that the modern German Philosophy has reproduced the ambitious but inane attempts of [[w:Scholasticism|Scholasticism]]. ** [[George Henry Lewes]], ''[[Aristotle: a Chapter from the History of Science]]'' (1864) * Hegel's philosophy was taught in the German universities, and had the approval of the Prussian throne. Frederick William III regarded it as a very excellent philosophy — in fact, an intellectual bulwark of the crown. He reached that complacent conclusion in a very simple way. Hegel said: "All that is real is reasonable, and all that is reasonable is real." The Emperor interpreted this as follows: All that exists is real, therefore reasonable, therefore right. As Alexander Pope, the English poet, put it, "Whatever is, is right." As this seemed to be a philosophical justification of police-government, the censorship, and the star-chamber, the Hegelian philosophy flourished under royal patronage. ** Arthur M. Lewis, ''Ten blind leaders of the blind'' 1910 p. 105 * Goethe made German literature into world literature, and Hegel made German philosophy into world philosophy. ** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From Hegel to Nietzsche'' (1941) * My dialectic method is not only different from the Hegelian, but is its direct opposite. To Hegel, the life process of the human brain, i.e., the process of thinking, which, under the name of “the Idea,” he even transforms into an independent subject, is the demiurgos of the real world, and the real world is only the external, phenomenal form of “the Idea.” With me, on the contrary, the ideal is nothing else than the material world reflected by the human mind, and translated into forms of thought.<br>The mystifying side of Hegelian dialectic I criticised nearly thirty years ago, at a time when it was still the fashion. But just as I was working at the first volume of “Das Kapital,” it was the good pleasure of the peevish, arrogant, mediocre Epigonoi [Epigones – Büchner, Dühring and others] who now talk large in cultured Germany, to treat Hegel in same way as the brave Moses Mendelssohn in Lessing's time treated Spinoza, i.e., as a “dead dog.” I therefore openly avowed myself the pupil of that mighty thinker, and even here and there, in the chapter on the theory of value, coquetted with the modes of expression peculiar to him. The mystification which dialectic suffers in Hegel's hands, by no means prevents him from being the first to present its general form of working in a comprehensive and conscious manner. With him it is standing on its head. It must be turned right side up again, if you would discover the rational kernel within the mystical shell. ** [[Karl Marx]], Afterword to the Second German Edition (1873) of ''Das Kapital'', Vol. 1 * Hegel remarks somewhere that all facts and personages of great importance in world history occur, as it were, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce. ** [[Karl Marx]],[[w: The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte| The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte]], Marx Engels Selected Works (MESW), Volume I, p. 398 * [W]hen [[Hitler]] says that “the State dominates the nation because it alone represents it,” he is only putting into loose popular language the formula of Hegel, that “the State is the general substance, whereof individuals are but accidents.” ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], ''Our Enemy the State'' (1935) * While scientists were performing astounding feats of disciplined reason [during the Enlightenment], breaking down the barriers of the “unknowable” in every field of knowledge, charting the course of light rays in space or the course of blood in the capillaries of man's body -- what philosophy was offering them, as interpretation of and guidance for their achievements was the plain Witchdoctory of Hegel, who proclaimed that matter does not exist at all, that everything is Idea (not somebody's idea, just <I>Idea</i>), and that this Idea operates by the dialectical process of a new “super-logic” which proves that <i>contradictions</i> are the law of reality, that A is non-A, and that omniscience about the physical universe (including electricity, gravitation, the solar system, etc.) is to be derived, not from the observation of facts, but from the contemplation of that Idea's triple somersaults inside his, Hegel's, mind. This was offered as a philosophy of reason. ** [[Ayn Rand]], ''{{w|For the New Intellectual}}'' (1961) * Hegel's philosophy is so odd that one would not have expected him to be able to get sane men to accept it, but he did. He set it out with so much obscurity that people thought it must be profound. It can quite easily be expounded lucidly in words of one syllable, but then its [[absurdity]] becomes obvious. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Philosophy and Politics'' (1947), p. 16 * When I was young, most teachers of philosophy in British and American universities were Hegelians, so that, until I read Hegel, I supposed there must be some [[truth]] to his system; I was cured, however, by discovering that everything he said on the philosophy of mathematics was plain [[nonsense]]. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Philosophy and Politics'' (1947), p. 18 * Hegel published his proof that there must be exactly seven planets just a week before the discovery of the eighth. The matter was hushed up, and a new, revised edition was hastily prepared; nevertheless, there were some who scoffed. **[[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Chapter IV, Part iii, p. 75 * My reason for rejecting Hegel and [[w:monism|monism]] in general is my belief that the dialectical argument against relations is wholly unsound. I think such a statement as 'A is west of B' can be exactly true. You will find that Bradley's arguments on this subject pre-suppose that every proposition must be of the subject-predicate form. I think this the fundamental error of monism. **[[Bertrand Russell]], letter to John Paulos, August 2, 1966, published in ''[[The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell]]'', Vol. 3 (1967), p. 253 * If I were to say that the so-called philosophy of this fellow Hegel is a colossal piece of mystification which will yet provide posterity with an inexhaustible theme for laughter at our times, that it is a pseudo-philosophy paralyzing all mental powers, stifling all real thinking, and, by the most outrageous misuse of language, putting in its place the hollowest, most senseless, thoughtless, and, as is confirmed by its success, most stupefying verbiage, I should be quite right. ** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''On the Basis of Morality'' (1840) * Among Noah's sons was one who covered the shame of his father, but the Hegelians are still tearing away the cloak which time and oblivion had sympathetically thrown over the shame of their Master. ** [[Heinrich Christian Friedrich Schumacher]], in a letter to Carl Friedrich Gauss. As quoted in ''Carl Friedrich Gauss: Titan of Science'' (2004) by Guy Waldo Dunnington. p. 361-362 * But it was Hegel, among all German thinkers, who had the deepest and most enduring impact on Western thought and identity. It is often forgotten that his work was a reaction against the Romantics' passion for India's past. He borrowed Indian ideas (such as monism) while debating Indologists to argue against the value of Indian civilization. He posited that the West, and only the West, was the agent of history and teleology. India was the 'frozen other', which he used as a foil to define the West.... Hegel has a peculiarly phobic and blind reaction to Asia in general and India in particular. He laboriously criticizes Sanskrit and Indian civilization, arguing with European Indologists with the aim of assimilating some ideas (such as absolute idealism) into his own philosophy while postulating India as the inferior other in order to construct his theory of the West. Asia's place in history is as an infant, whereas the West is mature and everyone's eventual destination. ** Malhotra, R., & Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism. * The legacy of Hegel is that he blinded the West to the parochialism of its supposed 'universals' and hence consolidated the discourse on what was wrong about India. Hegel captures all cultures in his boxed-in categories of past/present, high/low, great/small. This is Reason's march forward to the realization of the Absolute in the temporal state. The degree to which Western scholarship has been influenced by his linear theory of history (including many Marxist and humanist accounts of history and the various philosophies built on such accounts) is truly amazing. His views found wide acceptance across the West and reshaped attitudes towards India. <br> Hegel's theory of history has led to liberal Western supremacy, which hides behind the notion of providing the 'universals'. These European Enlightenment presuppositions became incorporated in the confluence of academic philosophy, philology, social theories and 'scientific' methodologies – all of which were driven by various imperial and colonial values alongside Christian theology. These influences, then, informed Indology, and they haunt South Asian Studies today. ** Malhotra, R., & Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism. * The absolute moment may be the absolute moment simply or the absolute moment of all previous history. That it is the absolute moment simply had been the contention of Hegel. His system of philosophy, the final philosophy, the perfect solution of all philosophic problems belongs to the moment when mankind has solved in principle its political problem by establishing the post-revolutionary state, the first state to recognize the equal dignity of every human being as such. This absolute peak of history, being the end of history, is at the same time the beginning of the final decline. In this respect Spengler has merely brought out the ultimate conclusion of Hegel's thought. ** [[Leo Strauss]], "Philosophy as Rigorous Science and Political Philosophy", ''Interpretation: A Journal of Political Philosophy'' 2, no. 1 (1971) * Let us state that the term "philosophy of history" may be applied to Hegel's speculation only with reservations. For Hegel's history is not to be found in reality, and the reality of history is not in Hegel. The harmony between construct and history could be achieved [by Hegel] only though the omission of an essential factor of reality.<br/> The factor Hegel excludes is the mystery of a history that wends its way into the future without our knowing its end. History as a whole is not necessarily an object of cognition; the meaning of the whole is not discernible. Hegel can construct, then, a meaningfully self-contained project of history only by assuming that the revelation of God in history is fully comprehensible. The appearance of Christ for him [for Hegel] the crux of world history; in this decisive epoch God had revealed the Logos -- reason -- in history. But the revalation was incomplete, and Hegel considered it man's duty to comlete the incomplete revalation by raising the Logos to complete clarity in consciousness. This elevation to consciousness is in fact possible through the mind of the philosopher -- concretely, through the mind of Hegel: in the medium of the Hegelian dialectic the revelation of God in history reaches its fulfillment. The validity of the construct depends on the assumption that the mystery of revelation and of the course of history can be solved and made fully transparent through the dialectical unfolding of the Logos. We have here a construct closely related to that of Joachim of Flora. Joachim, too, was dissatisfied with the Augustinian waiting fo the end; he, too, wanted to have an intelligible meaning in history here and now; and in order to make the meaning intelligible, he had to set himself up as the prophet to whom this meaning was clear. In the same manner, Hegel identifies his human logos with the Logos that is Christ, in order make the meaningful process of history fully comprehensible. ** [[Eric Voegelin]] ([1968] 1997). ''Science, Politics and Gnosticism'', Part II: "Ersatz Religion: The Gnostic Mass Movements of Our Time" Washington: Regenery Publishers, {{ISBN|0895264196}}, pp 72-73 * Hegel experiences his state of alienation as an acute loss of reality, and even as death. But he cannot, or will not, initiate the movement of return; the epistrophe, the periagoge, is impossible. The despair or lostness, then, turns into the mood of revolt. Hegel closes his existence in on himself; he develops a false self; and lets his false self engage in an act of self-salvation that is meant to substitute for the periagoge of which his true self proves incapable. The alienation which, as long as it remains a state of lostness in open existence, can be healed through the return [to God], now hardens into the acheronta movebo of the sorcerer who, through magic operations, forces salvation from the non-reality of his lostness. Since, however, nonreality has no power of salvation, and Hegel's true self knows this quite well, the false self must take the next step and, by ‘the energy of thinking,’ transform the reality of God into the dialectics of his consciousness: the divine power accrues to the Subjeckt that is engaged in self-salvation through reaching the state of reflective self-consciousness. If the soul cannot return to God, God must be alienated from himself and drawn into the human state of alienation. And finally, since none of these operations in Second Reality would change anything in the surrounding First Reality, but result only in the isolation of the sorcerer from the rest of society, the whole world must be drawn into the imaginary Second Reality. The sorcerer becomes the savior of the ‘age’ by imposing his System of Science as the new revelation on mankind at large. All mankind must join the sorcerer in the hell of his damnation. ** [[Eric Voegelin]] (1972). "On Hegel: A Study in Sorcery," reprinted in Voegelin's ''Collected Works'', Vol. 12, 1990 * '''Hegel is explicit on the point that through his conceptual speculation one achieves a salvation that has not been delivered through Christ, or has been delivered only in an imperfect form and now will be delivered in perfect form by Hegel. When you go through his meditative exercise you are in the state of salvation and beyond being mere man.''' ** [[Eric Voegelin]]. ''The Collected Works of Eric Voegelin'', Vol. 33., William Petropulous and Gilbert Weiss, editors. pp. 252-253 * Hegel expressed his formulation that the purpose of ''Phenomenology'' is to find the magic words with which you can conjure up the shape of the future. He was, consummately, a sorcerer. [...] it is quite consciously a magic act by which reality is transmogrified into the perfect reality. ** [[Eric Voegelin]], as quoted in "Philosophies of History: An Interview with Eric Voegelin.", ''New Orleans Review'', No.2 (1973) * When [[George Bernard Shaw|Shaw]] is read in the light of the existentialist thinkers, a new philosophical position arises from his works as a whole, a position of he himself was probably unconscious. It is this: that '''although the ultimate reality may be irrational, ''yet man's relation to it is not''. Existentialism means the recognition that life is a tiny corner of casual order in a universe of [[Chaos|chaos]]. All men are aware of that chaos; but some insulate themselves from it and refuse to face it.''' These are the Insiders, and they make up the overwhelming majority of the human race. The Outsider is the man who has faced chaos. If he is an abstract philosopher — like Hegel — he will try to demonstrate that chaos is not really chaos, but that underlying it is an order of which we are unaware. If he is an existentialist, he acknowledges that chaos ''is'' chaos, a denial of life — or rather, of the conditions under which life are possible. If there is nothing but life and chaos, then life is permanently helpless — as [[Jean-Paul Sartre|Sartre]] and [[Albert Camus|Camus]] think it is. But if a rational relation can somehow exist between them, ultimate pessimism is avoided, as it must be avoided if the Outsider is to live at all. It is this contribution which makes Shaw the key figure of existentialist thought. ** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''Religion and the Rebel'', p. 289 (1957) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource|Author:Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|G. W. F. Hegel}} {{Commons|Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel}} * [http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/hegel/ Hegel at the ''Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy''] * [http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/hegel.html Brief biography at ''The History Guide''] * [http://hegel.net Hegel.net] ** [http://hegel.net/en/hegelbio.htm Brief biography at Hegel.net] ** [http://wiki.hegel.net HegelWiki] ** [http://hegel.net/en/links.htm Commented links] * [http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/hegel/index.htm Hegel by HyperText], reference archive at [[w:Marxists.org|Marxists.org]]. * [http://www.gwfhegel.org/ GWFHegel.Org] * [http://www.hegel.org/ The Hegel Society of America] ** [http://www.hegel.org/links.html Hegel links] * [http://www.class.uidaho.edu/mickelsen/texts/Hegel%20-%20Philosophy%20of%20History.htm Introduction of ''Philosophy of History'' as translated by J. Sibree] * {{gutenberg author| id=Georg+Wilhelm+Friedrich+Hegel | name=Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel}} (only German originals; no English translations as of January 2011) * '''YouTube Videos''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QTy2VLBzwk Chapter 3.3: Hegel, the logic of History] The Philosophy of Science series, Faculty of Humanities, Leiden University. Under YouTube Videos header {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hegel, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich}} [[Category:Academics from Germany]] [[Category:Philosophers from Germany]] [[Category:German logicians]] [[Category:Historians from Germany]] [[Category:Theologians from Germany]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:1770 births]] [[Category:1831 deaths]] [[Category:People from Stuttgart]] [[Category:19th-century philosophers]] [[Category:Philosophical idealists]] [[Category:Cultural critics]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Germany]] tb3xnn5hvx5iuewpxn2dpjzxjer2vpf 0 2240 3155683 3149306 2022-08-18T00:09:22Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 typo wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} __NOTOC__ '''''{{w|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''''' (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 movies, 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.) <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 align=center style="text-align:center;" ! bgcolor=#3F3 | [[#Season 0|<span title="Season 0">KTMA</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Green Slime|<span title="The Green Slime">00</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|<span title="Invaders from the Deep">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons|<span title="Revenge of the Mysterons">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera|<span title="Gamera">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Phase IV|<span title="Phase IV">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Cosmic Princess|<span title="Cosmic Princess">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Humanoid Woman|<span title="Humanoid Woman">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Fugitive Alien|<span title="Fugitive Alien">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#SST: Death Flight|<span title="SST: Death Flight">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Mighty Jack|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Superdome|<span title="Superdome">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#City on Fire|<span title="City on Fire">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Time of the Apes|<span title="Time of the Apes">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Hangar 18|<span title="Hangar 18">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Last Chase|<span title="The Last Chase">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Legend of the Dinosaur|<span title="Legend of the Dinosaur">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#6C9 | [[#Season 1|<span title="Season 1">S1</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Eye|<span title="The Crawling Eye">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|<span title="The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Mad Monster|<span title="Mad Monster">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|<span title="Women of the Prehistoric Planet">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|<span title="The Corpse Vanishes">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Hand|<span title="The Crawling Hand">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Monster|<span title="Robot Monster">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Slime People|<span title="The Slime People">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Project Moonbase|<span title="Project Moonbase">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Holocaust|<span title="Robot Holocaust">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Moon Zero Two|<span title="Moon Zero Two">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Untamed Youth|<span title="Untamed Youth">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Black Scorpion|<span title="The Black Scorpion">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 2|<span title="Season 2">S2</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocketship X-M|<span title="Rocketship X-M">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Sidehackers|<span title="The Sidehackers">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Jungle Goddess|<span title="Jungle Goddess">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Catalina Caper|<span title="Catalina Caper">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|<span title="Rocket Attack U.S.A.">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Ring of Terror|<span title="Ring of Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Wild Rebels|<span title="Wild Rebels">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Lost Continent|<span title="Lost Continent">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Hellcats|<span title="The Hellcats">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#King Dinosaur|<span title="King Dinosaur">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|<span title="First Spaceship on Venus">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|<span title="Godzilla vs. Megalon">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|<span title="Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 3|<span title="Season 3">S3</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Cave Dwellers|<span title="Cave Dwellers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera_2|<span title="Gamera">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Pod People|<span title="Pod People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Stranded in Space|<span title="Stranded in Space">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|<span title="Time of the Apes">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Daddy-O|<span title="Daddy-O">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|<span title="The Amazing Colossal Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|<span title="Fugitive Alien">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#It Conquered the World|<span title="It Conquered the World">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|<span title="Earth vs. the Spider">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenage Caveman|<span title="Teenage Caveman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Viking Women and the Sea Serpent|<span title="Viking Women and the Sea Serpent">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|<span title="War of the Colossal Beast">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Unearthly|<span title="The Unearthly">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|<span title="Santa Claus Conquers the Martians">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja I|<span title="Master Ninja I">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|<span title="The Castle of Fu Manchu">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja II|<span title="Master Ninja II">24</span>]] |- ! 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bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 5|<span title="Season 5">S5</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|<span title="Warrior of the Lost World">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules|<span title="Hercules">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|<span title="Swamp Diamonds">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|<span title="Secret Agent Super Dragon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|<span title="The Magic Voyage of Sinbad">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Eegah|<span title="Eegah">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|<span title="I Accuse My Parents">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Operation Double 007|<span title="Operation Double 007">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|<span title="The Girl in Lovers Lane">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Painted Hills|<span title="The Painted Hills">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gunslinger|<span title="Gunslinger">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mitchell|<span title="Mitchell">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|<span title="The Brain That Wouldn&apos;t Die">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|<span title="Teen-Age Strangler">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|<span title="The Wild Wild World of Batwoman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Alien from L.A.|<span title="Alien from L.A.">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Beginning of the End|<span title="Beginning of the End">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Atomic Brain|<span title="The Atomic Brain">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Outlaw|<span title="Outlaw">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Radar Secret Service|<span title="Radar Secret Service">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Santa Claus|<span title="Santa Claus">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|<span title="Teen-Age Crime Wave">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Village of the Giants|<span title="Village of the Giants">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#12 to the Moon|<span title="12 to the Moon">24</span>]] |- ! 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Death Ray|<span title="Danger!! 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bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 8|<span title="Season 8">S8</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|<span title="Revenge of the Creature">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Leech Woman|<span title="The Leech Woman">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Mole People|<span title="The Mole People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|<span title="The Deadly Mantis">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|<span title="The Thing That Couldn&apos;t Die">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Undead|<span title="The Undead">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|<span title="Terror from the Year 5000">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The She-Creature|<span title="The She-Creature">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|<span title="I Was a Teenage Werewolf">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|<span title="The Giant Spider Invasion">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Parts: The Clonus Horror|<span title="Parts: The Clonus Horror">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|<span title="The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Jack Frost|<span title="Jack Frost">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Riding with Death|<span title="Riding with Death">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|<span title="Agent for H.A.R.M.">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Prince of Space|<span title="Prince of Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horror of Party Beach|<span title="Horror of Party Beach">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Doll|<span title="Devil Doll">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|<span title="Invasion of the Neptune Men">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Space Mutiny|<span title="Space Mutiny">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Time Chasers|<span title="Time Chasers">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|<span title="Overdrawn at the Memory Bank">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! 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bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 10|<span title="Season 10">S10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Soultaker|<span title="Soultaker">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|<span title="Girl in Gold Boots">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|<span title="Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Future War|<span title="Future War">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|<span title="Blood Waters of Dr. Z">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|<span title="Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|<span title="Track of the Moon Beast">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Final Justice|<span title="Final Justice">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hamlet|<span title="Hamlet">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#It Lives by Night|<span title="It Lives by Night">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|<span title="Horrors of Spider Island">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Squirm|<span title="Squirm">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Diabolik|<span title="Diabolik">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 11: The Return|<span title="Season 11">S11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Reptilicus|<span title="Reptilicus">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Cry Wilderness|<span title="Cry Wilderness">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Time Travelers|<span title="The Time Travelers">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Avalanche|<span title="Avalanche">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Beast of Hollow Mountain|<span title="The Beast of Hollow Mountain">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Starcrash|<span title="Starcrash">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Land That Time Forgot|<span title="The Land That Time Forgot">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Loves of Hercules|<span title="The Loves of Hercules">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Yongary: Monster from the Deep|<span title="Yongary: Monster from the Deep">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Carnival Magic|<span title="Carnival Magic">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|<span title="The Christmas That Almost Wasn't">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#At the Earth's Core|<span title="At the Earth's Core">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 12: The Gauntlet|<span title="Season 12: The Return">S12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Mac and Me|<span title="Mac and Me">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Atlantic Rim|<span title="Atlantic Rim">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Lords of the Deep|<span title="Lords of the Deep">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Day Time Ended|<span title="The Day Time Ended">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Killer Fish|<span title="Killer Fish">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Ator|<span title="Ator">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|<span title="Alphabet Antics (short)">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|<span title="Appreciating Our Parents (short)">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|<span title="Aquatic Wizards (short)">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|<span title="Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|<span title="Assignment: Venezuela (short)">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|<span title="Body Care and Grooming (short)">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|<span title="A Case of Spring Fever (short)">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|<span title="Catching Trouble (short)">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|<span title="Century 21 Calling (short)">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Cheating (short)|<span title="Cheating (short)">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|<span title="The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|<span title="Circus on Ice (short)">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|<span title="A Date with Your Family (short)">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|<span title="A Day at the Fair (short)">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|<span title="The Days of Our Years (short)">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|<span title="Design for Dreaming (short)">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|<span title="Here Comes the Circus (short)">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 1 (short)">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 2 (short)">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|<span title="The Home Economics Story (short)">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|<span title="Is This Love? (short)">24</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|<span title="Johnny at the Fair (short)">25</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|<span title="Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)">26</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|<span title="Keeping Clean and Neat (short)">27</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|<span title="Last Clear Chance (short)">28</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Money Talks (short)|<span title="Money Talks (short)">29</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|<span title="Mr. B Natural (short)">30</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|<span title="Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)">31</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Out of This World (short)|<span title="Out of This World (short)">32</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)">33</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)">34</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)">35</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|<span title="Posture Pals (short)">36</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|<span title="Progress Island USA (short)">37</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)">38</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)">39</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)">40</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)">41</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)">42</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)">43</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)">44</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)">45</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)">46</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|<span title="Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)">47</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|<span title="The Selling Wizard (short)">48</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|<span title="Snow Thrills (short)">49</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|<span title="Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)">50</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|<span title="Speech: Using Your Voice (short)">51</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|<span title="The Truck Farmer (short)">52</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|<span title="Uncle Jim&apos;s Dairy Farm (short)">53</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)">54</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)">55</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|<span title="What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)">56</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|<span title="What to Do on a Date (short)">57</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|<span title="Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)">58</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|<span title="X Marks the Spot (short)">59</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|<span title="A Young Man&apos;s Fancy (short)">60</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#9C6 | [[#Specials|<span title="Specials">Spec</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|<span title="Notes">Notes</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|<span title="Major cast">Major cast</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|<span title="See also">See also</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|<span title="External links">External links</span>]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Notes == * '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) * '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). * '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.'' * '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'': {| border=1 align=center ! align=left bgcolor=#3F3 | KTMA: Season 0 | bgcolor=#5F5 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#6C9 | Comedy Central: Season 1 | bgcolor=#8EB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 | bgcolor=#DDF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 | bgcolor=#FB2 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Comedy Central: Season 7 | bgcolor=#F8B | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie'' | bgcolor=#F69 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#C9F | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 | bgcolor=#EBF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons) | bgcolor=#EF5 | (various casts & channels) |- ! align=left bgcolor=#9C6 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) | bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots |} <!-- END COLOR SCHEME TABLE --> <br clear="all"/> == KTMA (Season 0) == === The Green Slime === :'''Man''': That's an asteroid! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey, Crow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson? :'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. :'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? :'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]]. :''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]'' === Revenge of the Mysterons === === Star Force: Fugitive Alien II === :''[During an effects sequence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this. === Gamera vs. Barugon === :'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. === Gamera === :'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! :'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]'' :'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. :''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]'' :'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]'' :'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? :'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]'' :'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel. === Gamera vs. Gaos === :''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]'' :'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]'' :'''Joel''': The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. === Gamera vs. Zigra === :''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! :'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey. === Gamera vs. Guiron === :'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. === Phase IV === :'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— :'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no... :'''Crow''': Never mind. :'''Joel''': You don't mean that... :'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]]. :'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''. :'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]'' :'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? :'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the end credits roll.]'' :'''Crow''': I thought it was deep... :'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo? :'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic. :'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots. :'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good. === Cosmic Princess === :''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster. :'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. :'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]'' :'''Tony''': 1... 2... :'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3... :'''Tony''': 5... :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?! :'''Tony''': 6... :'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble. :'''Tony''': 7... 4. :'''Crow''': Well, they are British. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once. === Humanoid Woman === :'''Joel''': The plot thickens. :'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup. === Fugitive Alien === :'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. === SST: Death Flight === :''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]'' :'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello! :''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Passengers are boarding.]'' :'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]'' :'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane. :'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black… :'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]'' :'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''! :'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking. :'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right! === Mighty Jack === :''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]'' :'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? === Superdome === :''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]'' :'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. :'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won? :'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same. :'''Joel''': This movie's history. :'''Crow''': We're history. :'''Joel''': Let's go. :''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]'' :'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!'' === City on Fire === : '''Dr. Erhardt''': We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! : '''Dr. Forrester''': I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– :''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman. :'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada. :'''Servo''': ''Oui.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]'' :'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"? :'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]'' :'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is going into labor.]'' :'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt! :'''Joel''': Boil some water. :'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame. :'''Servo''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it. === Time of the Apes === :''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]'' :'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still shot of two gorillas]'' :'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]]. === The Million Eyes of Sumuru === :''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]'' :'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. :'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. :. . . :'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! :'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! === Hangar 18 === === The Last Chase === :''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!''''' === Legend of the Dinosaur === :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question... :'''Servo''': Why am I watching this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]'' :'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. == Season 1 == === The Crawling Eye === :''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]'' :'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''! :'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]'' :'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. <hr width="50%"> :''[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]'' :'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]'' :'''Man''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air! :'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. === The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]'' :'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year. :'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. :'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth? :'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier! ==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ==== :''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]'' :'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]]. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee. :'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests. :''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]]. <hr width=50%> :''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it? :'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]'' :: I've reached the end of my life :: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]'' :'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! :'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz? === Mad Monster === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short) ==== :''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]'' :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Cody is fighting off a henchman]'' Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody beats up a lone henchman]'' That's for [[w:Bryant Gumbel|Bryant Gumbel]]; that's for [[w:Gene Shalit|Gene Shalit]]; and '''that's''' for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! :'''Crow''': Those are all [[w:Bob Mackie|Bob Mackie]] creations, aren't they? ==== Mad Monster (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! :'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]'' :'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]'' ''Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed'' ''A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed'' ''Then one day, he was shooting at some food...'' :'''Joel''': ''[joining in]'' ''...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.'' :'''Servo''': ''Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.'' ''[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]'' ''The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.'' ''The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"'' ''Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"'' ''So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...'' :'''Joel''': Good one, Crow. :'''Servo''': [I'm] Servo. :'''Crow''': Ah, over here. :'''Joel''': Right, sorry; good one, Servo. ''[turns towards Crow]'' You too, Crow. :'''Servo''': ''[unenthused]'' Gee, thanks, Ed! :'''Crow''': I didn't do anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[towards Dr. Cameron]'' I do not care to be lectured by a charlatan! :'''Servo''': ''[as Fitzgerald]'' Or you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped. :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. === Women of the Prehistoric Planet === :''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]'' :'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, I could watch that all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. === The Corpse Vanishes === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short) ==== ==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ==== :''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! :''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]]. : . . . :''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]'' :'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram. : . . . :''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting... :''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the RAM chip segment]'' :'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''! :'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing? :'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip! === The Crawling Hand === :''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]'' :'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed. :'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]'' :'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed. : . . . :''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]'' :'''Owner''': No rats. :'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]'' :'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? :'''Paul''': "Stacked"? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police Officer''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? :'''Crow [as Officer]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]'' :'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. :'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter. === Robot Monster === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short) ==== :''[Servo sneezes violently]'' :'''Joel''': Bless you! :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that... :'''Servo''': That stirred up my RAMS real bad. ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ==== :'''Joel''': ''[of Servo and Crow griping]'' I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]'' :'''Joel''': Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. ==== Robot Monster (movie) ==== :''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! :'''Servo''': ''[in a dopey tone of voice]'' Okay! :'''Ro-Man''': Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. :'''Joel [as Ro-Man]''': We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]'' : '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. : '''Crow''': He's so negative! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]'' :'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does. :'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]'' :'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]'' :'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man? :'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! :'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? :'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are! :''[Short pause.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Now I will kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the end of the film, Joel? :'''Joel''': Uh, I don't think it is. :'''Servo''': You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Joel''': Huh? What? :''[after the third time they repeat themselves]'' :'''Joel''': We've gotta get out of here. :'''Servo''': This is pathetic! ''[pause]'' You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Crow''': Stop it! === The Slime People === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick! ==== The Slime People (movie) ==== :''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]'' :'''Tolliver''': Genius waits for no one! :'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. : . . . :''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]'' :'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it! :'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]! : . . . :''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]'' :'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]'' :'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog. === Project Moonbase === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short) ==== ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ==== ==== Project Moonbase (movie) ==== :''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn. === Robot Holocaust === ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short) ==== (the short suddenly cuts to white) :'''Joel''': W-What happened? :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Servo''': What? (an image of the Mads holding a broken film reel with thought bubbles saying "Oops!" and "Film broke" is shown while cheesy music plays) :'''Joel''': The film broke? (Joel and the bots start booing and throwing things at the screen) ==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ==== :''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]'' :'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? :'''Torque''': Yes! :'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand. :'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]? :'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now. :'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]'' :'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground— :'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A severed head rolls past]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare! :'''Crow''': Gutter head. === Moon Zero Two === :''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color! :'''Joel''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. :'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons? :'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them. :'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]'' :'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. :'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City. :'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]'' :'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]! : . . . :''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]'' :'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? :'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!'' ¹ === Untamed Youth === :''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]'' :'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage? :'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]'' :'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''. :'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]'' :'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! :'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? :'''Servo''': I don't wanna know. === The Black Scorpion === :''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]'' :'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! : . . . :'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]'' :'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. :'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. :''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]'' :'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]'' :'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting! :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! :'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]'' :'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— :'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast. :'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. :'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]'' :'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train… :'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains. :''[The passengers flee the train.]'' :'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. == Season 2 == === Rocketship X-M === :'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now? :'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense! :'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away! :'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! :''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]'' :'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! :'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! :'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''? :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it! === The Sidehackers === :''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]'' :'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]'' : '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you? : '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother! :'''Crow''': Not a good brother... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake! <hr width="50%"/> :''camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. === Jungle Goddess === ==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]" ==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ==== :''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]'' :'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]'' :'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite. :'''Mike''': Are you sure? :'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it. :'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]'' :'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble? :'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart? === Catalina Caper === :'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. :'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]'' :'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]] :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this! :'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! :'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo. :'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]'' :'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on… :'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick! :'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]! === Rocket Attack U.S.A. === ==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short) ==== ==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! :'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? :'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER! :'''Joel''': Is right for five points. <hr width="50%"/> :''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]'' :'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. :'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]'' :'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Watkins answers his phone.]'' :'''General''': Hello? :'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? :'''General''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]'' :'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York has just been nuked.]'' :'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]'' :'''Blind Guy''': Help me. === Ring of Terror === ==== Ring of Terror (movie) ==== :''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40. :''[He puts on a sweater.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]'' :'''Crow''': I'm a lamp. ==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short) ==== :''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up! === Wild Rebels === :''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]]. :'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]! === Lost Continent === :''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]'' :'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us? :'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong. :'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! === The Hellcats === : '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from? : '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Artist''': ''[Stumbling around drunk and high]'' Roses are green. Violets are red...' : '''Joel [as Artist]''': I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. === King Dinosaur === ==== X Marks the Spot (short) ==== :''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]'' :'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. :'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. :'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! : . . . :'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene fades to an intersection]'' :'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley." :'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy. :''[Scene pans to a car approaching]'' :'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and... :''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]'' :'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! :''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]'' :'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness... ==== King Dinosaur (movie) ==== :''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]'' :'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?! :'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up! === First Spaceship on Venus === :''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]'' :'''Brinkman''': Sumiko! :'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here. :'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much? :'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? === Godzilla vs. Megalon === :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]'' :'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic? : . . . :'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up! :'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! : . . . :''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]'' :'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Yep! :'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]'' :'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! :'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]'' :'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]] :. . . :''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]'' :'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]'' :'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]'' :'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? :'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design! :'''Goro''': They're controlling him. :'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! :'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? :'''Joel''': Um, no. :'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid. :. . . :'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]'' :'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... :. . . :'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object! :'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]'' :'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]'' :'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! :'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''? :'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''! :'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]'' :'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]'' :'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]'' :'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye! :'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]'' :'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! :''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]'' :'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! === Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster === :''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve! == Season 3 == === Cave Dwellers === :''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie? :'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined. :'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]'' :'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]'' :'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. :'''Servo [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! :'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': ...what? :''[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... folks, we have snakes ''growling'' here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all! :'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour. : . . . :'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''. :'''Crow''': What the…?! :'''Servo''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]] :'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. :'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now. :''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh— huh? :'''Joel''': How'd he do that? :'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that? :''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]'' :'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now. :'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]]. === Gamera === :''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. :'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]'' :'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there? :'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby... :'''Kenny''': Tibby? :'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]]. :'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up! :'''Kenny''': Tibby! :'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby! :'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! :'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby! :'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. :'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible! :'''Joel''': Come on back, come on. :'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes? :'''Joel''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]'' :'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! :'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. :'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]'' :'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... :'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. :'''Servo''': More Gamera movies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]'' :'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about. === Pod People === :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner? :'''TV's Frank''': People vomit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]'' :'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that? :'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! :'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]'' :'''Rick''': It stinks! {{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the "okay" sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. :'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? :'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves. :'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]'' :'''Servo''': Syntho-birds. :'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest. :'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]'' :'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy? :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]'' :'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together. :'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky. <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]'' :'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope. : . . . :'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things! :''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]'' :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid. :'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? :'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]'' :'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me? :'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]] <hr width=''50%"/> (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) :'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! :'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) : . . . :'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!'' <hr width=''50%"/> :''[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]'' :'''Servo''': Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. :''[Later:]'' :'''Servo''': First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with ''Whispering Firestorm.'' Then it's Yanni with ''SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar.'' Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his ''[[w:Sominex|Sominex]] Suite in B-flat.'' Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. === Gamera vs. Barugon === :''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''. === Stranded in Space === === Time of the Apes === :''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]'' :'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared! :'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]'' :'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! === Daddy-O === ==== Alphabet Antics (short) ==== :''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]". :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]'' :'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]'' :'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside. <hr width="50%"/> :''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]'' :'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. :. . . :''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]'' :'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now. :. . . :''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': O is for once... :'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? :. . . :''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]'' :'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals. :. . . :'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys! :. . . :'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas... :'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]'' :'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. ==== Daddy-O (movie) ==== :''[Upon seeing title of movie]'' :'''Crow''': Daddy-O! :'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]'' :'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls! :''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]'' :'''Phil''': What's this? :'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]'' :'''Man in Hat''': Anything new to tell me? :'''Servo [as Phil]''': ''[straining]'' [[Citizen Kane|Rosebud]], was a sled. === Gamera vs. Gaos === :''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, bless you. :''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy! :'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''. === The Amazing Colossal Man === :''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!'' :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. === Fugitive Alien === :''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: This is the song written for the train chase. :: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! :: He tried to kill me with a forklift… :: Olé! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! === It Conquered the World === ==== Snow Thrills (short) ==== : ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]'' :'''Servo''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]'' :'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! :'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit. :. . . :''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]'' :'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. ==== It Conquered the World (movie) ==== :''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. :'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail. :'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. :'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''. : . . . :''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]'' :'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours? :'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper! :'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums. :'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. :'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. === Gamera vs. Guiron === :''[The movie credits show: &copy; MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestl&eacute;'s jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]'' :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]] :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you! :'''Joel''': Oops, sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]'' :'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]'' :'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair? :'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! :'''Joel''': They '''''ate''''' my hair? :''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]'' :'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]'' :'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. :'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave! :''[Aiko's mother approaches]'' :'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa... :'''Servo''': Hello, Inga. :'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again. :'''Servo''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her... :''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]'' :'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space? :'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. :'''Servo''': Hahahaha... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello! :'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea. :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. :'''Aiko's Mother''': I see... :'''Servo''': Thank you. :'''Crow''': Bye. :'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you! :''[Tom's mother gets in her car]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for going. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! :''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! :'''Tomoko''': Hello! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]'' :'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan? :'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What? :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! === Earth vs. the Spider === ==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ==== :'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]'' :'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. :'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]'' :'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... :'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]'' :'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example. :''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]'' :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]'' :'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... :'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... :'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... :'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... :'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead. ==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ==== :''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]'' :'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy! === Mighty Jack === :''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]'' :'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a– :'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]'' ::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! :: ::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! === Teenage Caveman === ==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ==== :'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! :''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. :'''Crow''': This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! :'''Servo [as Anouncer]''': Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why?! ==== Catching Trouble (short) ==== :''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]! :'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk! :'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? :'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice? :'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]'' :'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys? ==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ==== :''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very. <hr width="50%"> :'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory! :'''Crow''': But not as interesting. === Gamera vs. Zigra === === Viking Women and the Sea Serpent === ==== The Home Economics Story (short) ==== :''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]'' :'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]'' :'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.'' :'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? :''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]'' :'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well. :'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired. :''[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]'' :'''Crow [as Matronly Woman]''': I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]'' :'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara. :'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Kay sends her application letter.]'' :'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. :'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly) :'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. :''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]'' :'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! :'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]'' :'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a costume design class]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A football game is starting.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. :'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"! :''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you! :''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]'' :'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. :'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work? :'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen? :. . . :'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean? :'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! :. . . :'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]'' :'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]'' :'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. :'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"? :'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]]. :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]'' :'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. :'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''. ==== Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie) ==== === Star Force: Fugitive Alien II === :''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]'' :'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]'' :'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place. :'''Ken''': How will we do it? :'''Rocky''': Easy. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]'' :'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn...CORN?!? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ken shoots down Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders.]'' :'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before? :'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]? :'''Crow''': Yeah... :'''Joel''': Yep. === War of the Colossal Beast === ==== Mr. B Natural (short) ==== :''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]'' :'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean? :'''Servo''': "A sick cookie". :'''Joel''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]'' :''Come on and buy some crap from us'' :''You know that you want to'' :''And the white race will salute you'' :''As you prance and gad about!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]] :'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this! :'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]! :'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you. :'''Crow''': No, I bathe. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]'' :'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]'' :'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me! :'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... :'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks! :'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]'' :'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. :'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? :'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural! :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now? :''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform... :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition... :'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! :'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! :'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know? :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please. :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B dances to some music.]'' :'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her. :'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]'' :'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]'' :'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]'' :'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. :'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... :. . . :'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. :. . . :'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... :. . . :''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]'' :'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. ==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ==== :''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]'' :: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude! :: Take one down, pass it around, :: 99 years of solitude! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]'' :'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's? :'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. :'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall. :'''Crow''': Think there's a connection? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]'' :'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing. === The Unearthly === ==== Posture Pals (short) ==== :''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]'' :'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]'' :'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. :'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of the four kids]'' :'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things. :'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll. <hr width="50%"/> :''[talking about the posture contest]'' :'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. :'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. :'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. :'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]'' :'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. :'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see. :'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! :'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised... :'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! :'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. :'''Joel''': He's got VPL. :'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! :'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! :'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night! :'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown? :'''Joel''': Valium? :'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. :'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. :'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl... :'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)'' :'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head. :'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''. :'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]'' :'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]'' :'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired? :'''Crow''': Yes, very much so. :''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]'' :'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! :''[Servo makes broken spine noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]'' :'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy&mdash; :'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! :'''Narrator''': &mdash;when Jimmy stands off-balance. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! :'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. :''[A silhouette appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]! :'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]! :''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. :'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is voted posture queen]'' :'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! :''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]'' :'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire! :'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns. :'''Servo''': Definitely a fix. :'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!''' :. . . :'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. ==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ==== :''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]'' :'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break. :'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]]. ==== The Unearthly (movie) ==== :''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]'' :'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. :''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]'' :'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. : . . . :''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]'' :'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]'' :'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed! :'''Joel''': Well said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]'' :'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''... === [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] === :''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]'' :'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]'' :'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep! :'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. :'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys! :'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep! :'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then? :'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. :'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]'' :'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. :'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]]. :. . . :'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! :'''Joel [as Santa]''': We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! :'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… :'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex. :'''TV's Frank''': Yah… :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. :'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}} === Master Ninja I === :''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]'' :'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! :'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]'' :'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. :'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day. :'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. :'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff? :'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]'' :'''Okasa''': The old man hired you? :'''McAlister''': I am not for hire. :'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times... :'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone. :'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]'' :'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. :'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that. :'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production. :'''Max''': We're being followed! :'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! :''[The van makes a sharp left.]'' :'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard! :'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. :'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}} :. . . :''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER! :''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those. :'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]]. :'''Max''': You all right? :'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. === The Castle of Fu Manchu === '''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out. <hr width="50%"/> '''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.''<br> '''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio)'' Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! ''(breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)'' :'''Crow''': Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! :'''Joel''': Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. :'''Servo''': ''(while still crying)'' I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly people are riding flying carpets on national street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! :'''Crow''': I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? :'''Joel''': Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. :'''Servo''': You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological funnels in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? ''(sobs uncontrollably)'' :'''Crow''': Better you than me! :'''Joel''': Oh, Crow, c'mon... ''(addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust)'' Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank)'' You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying)'' Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(mockingly)'' '''[[The Wizard of Oz|Auntie Em, Auntie Em!]]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)'' :'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie)'' Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. :'''Joel''': [[It's a Wonderful Life|You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others.]] Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! :'''Dr. Forrester''': You're sounding like a [[w:Hallmark Cards, Inc.|Hallmark card]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': ''(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene)'' You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(angrily)'' Frank! :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': Gotcha! === Master Ninja II === :''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]'' :'''Max''': I'm here. Are you? :'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. :'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.''] :'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' :'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. == Season 4 == === Space Travelers === :''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]'' :'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. === The Giant Gila Monster === :''[The film's title appears on the screen]'' :'''Joel, Crow & Servo''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]'' :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]'' :'''Servo [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror! :''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]'' :'''Chase''': Two twenties! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That makes thirty dollars! === City Limits === :'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed. :''[Frank turns to Morrissey]'' :'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? :'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. :'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]'' :'''Woody''': I lost a tooth. :'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! :''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]'' :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. :'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. :'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]'' :'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! :'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]'' :'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. :'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]'' :'''Mick''': You're nothin'. :'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. :'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mick''': We ain't stupid. :'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. :'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]'' :'''Servo [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]] === Teenagers from Outer Space === :''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:08:16 --> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:12:40 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''! :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!'' <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 0:13:37 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]'' :'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." :'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:46:37 --> :'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]'' :: I have often walked down the street before, :: But I've never done it packing heat before… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 1:16:13 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off! <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 1:26:03 --> :'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek? :'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". === Being from Another Planet === :'''TV's Frank''': ''[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call [[w:Precious Moments, Inc.|Tragic Moments]], panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog]'' Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching the title credit]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[reading over the cast names]'' James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. :'''Joel''': Sam Chew [Jr]? :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of hospital]'' :'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''! :'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''! :'''Servo''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[over the credits]'' You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. :'''Joel''': Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? :'''Servo''': Worse (than that), worse. :'''Crow''': What about Sidehackers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Cave Dwellers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Crow''': Catalina Caper? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Pod People? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Hellcats? :'''Servo''': Oh, worse. :'''Joel''': Daddy-O? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Rocket Attack USA? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Earth vs. the Spider? :'''Servo''': Definitely worse. :'''Crow''': Ring of Terror? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Joel''': It Conquered the World? :'''Servo''': Uh... yeah, worse! ''[Some time later]'' :'''Joel''': The Manchingo Coniglium? :'''Servo''': ''[uncertain]'' Oh, huh? :'''Crow''': Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! :'''Servo''': [This movie]'s a ton worse. ''[even later still]'' :'''Crow''': How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? :'''Servo''': Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film! === Attack of the Giant Leeches === :''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]'' :'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? :'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times!'' :'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? :''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]'' :'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? :''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]'' :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! ==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]'' :'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! :'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! :'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer. :'''Servo''': He'll make several of them! ==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ==== :''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. === The Killer Shrews === :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''. ==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ==== :''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]'' :'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator:''' Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. :'''Crow:''' Hey, kids, you ever read ''[[w:The Ox-Bow Incident (novel)|The Ox-Bow Incident]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a successful cattle roping]'' :'''Narrator''': Eight seconds. :'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. :'''Joel [as the rider]''': ''I ammmmmmmmm!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. :'''Joel''': It's sad, really. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! ==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ==== :''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]'' :'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]'' :'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! :'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]'' :'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! :: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! :: He comes out at night to give you a fright. :: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! :: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! :: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. :: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]'' :'''Servo''': Puppies! === Hercules Unchained === :''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece. === Indestructible Man === ==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short) ==== *'''Crow''': [''imitates Billy''] Shut up, Diane! ==== Indestructible Man (movie) ==== :''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]'' :'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]'' :'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. :'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]'' :'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops! === Hercules Against the Moon Men === :''[Repeated Lines]'' : '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]'' :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]'' :'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move? :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life. :'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city. :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]'' :'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of barren moonscape]'' :'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]? :'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]'' :'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? :'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good! :'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]'' :'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH! === The Magic Sword === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The knights face an ogre.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]'' :'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets! :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Joel''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]'' :'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! :'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH! :'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Servo]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! === Hercules and the Captive Women === :''[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! :'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. :'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ismene''': Today is dedicated to Uranus. :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]'' :'''Servo''': Remember the Alamo! :'''Crow''': Storm the Bastille! :'''Joel''': Give us Barabbas! :'''All''': Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? === Manhunt in Space === ==== General Hospital, Installment 1 (short) ==== :''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then! ==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ==== :''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}} === Tormented === :''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]'' :'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! :'''Crow''': Bingo! : . . . :''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]'' :'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me! :'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. :'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please! :'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]'' :'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me. :'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! :'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. :'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]! === The Beatniks === ==== General Hospital, Installment 2 (short) ==== :'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there... ==== The Beatniks (movie) ==== :'''Eddie [singing]''': ''Anything...'' :'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!'' === Fire Maidens of Outer Space === <div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS"> :''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' <!-- ADDED TO SUPPORT WP Crow T. Robot ARTICLE --> :'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!" :'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right? :'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! :'''Servo''': All right, yeah! :'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!" :'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!" :'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm! :'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" :'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! </div> === Crash of the Moons === ==== General Hospital, Installment 3 (short) ==== :''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]'' :'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken? :'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but… ==== Crash of the Moons (movie) ==== :''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]'' :'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film… :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]'' :'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. :'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?! :'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. :'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]] === Attack of the the Eye Creatures === :''[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]'' :'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles? <hr width="50%"/> :''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]'' :'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off! :'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold! :'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police? :'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]'' :'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' <!-- PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE FOLLOWING QUOTE GROUP, AS IT IS REFERENCED IN Wikipedia article "The Eye Creatures". --> :'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. : . . . :'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. : . . . :'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care! === The Rebel Set === ==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned. :'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. :'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery." :'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares? :'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]]. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". :'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]'' :'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]'' :'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]'' :'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" :'''Servo''': What? :'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady. ==== The Rebel Set (movie) ==== :'''Cafe Patron''': ''[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving]'' King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. :'''Crow''': My husband's very hip at home! :'''King Invader''': ''[short pause]'' I am bugged...! :'''Joel''': God of facial hair! :'''King Invader''': ...beyond recall! === The Human Duplicators === :''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]'' :'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''! :''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]'' :'''Crow''': ...Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gale''': So say something! :'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!" :'''Martin''': "Something." :'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat! :''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. :''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that? :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh. :''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner! :''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]'' :'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators! :'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? :'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— :'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough. :'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]'' :'''Welles''': Welles here. :'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]'' :'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]'' :'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]'' :'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge. === Monster A Go-Go === ==== Circus on Ice (short) ==== :''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]'' :'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice! :'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus! :'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together! :''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: These two girls, they make quite a pair. :: They both come from your worst night-mare. :: They will haunt your soul forever, :: And now, ::: When you see pink, ::: You're gonna think, :: "We're doomed". :: They are agents of Satan... :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom... <hr width='50%'/> :''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]'' :'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! :. . . :'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! :'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...'' :. . . :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']]. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! :'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them. ==== [[w:Monster A Go-Go|Monster A Go-Go]] (movie) ==== :''[Over the film's title]'' :'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. :'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad... :'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... :'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! :'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. :'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. :'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. :'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it... :'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]'' :'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]'' :'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then? :'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help. :'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help. :'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! :'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelieveable... :''[Servo bursts out into laughter]'' :'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes? :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops". :'''Narrator''': ..."radiation". :'''Servo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension... :'''Servo''': As if we cared. :'''Narrator''': Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness! :'''Joel''': ''Oh,'' the joke's on ''us!'' :'''Crow''': Boooooo! === The Day the Earth Froze === :''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us. ==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ==== :''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''! :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown! :'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. :''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]'' :'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]'' :'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. :'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? :'''Servo''': Oops. :'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up? :'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. :'''Joel''': That's better. :'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons. :'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. :''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. :'''Servo''': That's good. :'''Joel''': No, it really is. :'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel. :. . . :''[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]'' :'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this. :''[Shot of the crowd cheering]'' :'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a trapeze artist swings]'' :'''Joel''': It's a living! :'''Crow''': Mother, please come home! :'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]! :'''Joel''': Oh, stop it! :'''Servo''': She does! Look! :'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. :'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]'' :'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! :'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them. :'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]'' :'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]! :. . . :'''Crow''': Flipped her off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! :'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No! :''[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative! :'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening. :''[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]'' :'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in. :'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clown rings a bell.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]! :''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]'' :'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! :'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. :'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! :'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. :'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. :'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''! :'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha. :''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]'' :'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]'' :'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? :. . . :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! :'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... :'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus. ==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ==== :''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]'' :'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]] :'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]'' :'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. :'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts? :'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]'' :'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you! :'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]'' :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]'' :'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? :'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer. :'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. :''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]'' :'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! :''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]'' :'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! :'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]'' :'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]] === Bride of the Monster === ==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ==== :''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?! :'''Crow [as Warren]''': A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?! ==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ==== :''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]'' :'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]'' :'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain. :'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. === Manos: The Hands of Fate === :''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! ==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ==== :''[The short begins]'' :'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! :'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. :'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis! :'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]'' :'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. :'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]'' :'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]'' :'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]]&thinsp;]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner? ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? :'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute. :'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]'' :'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]'' :'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo. :'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo? : . . . :'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]'' :'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]'' :'''Crow [as Debbie]''': It's a devil and it's fun! :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]'' :'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking? :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]]. : . . . :'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. :'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point. :'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]]. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes. :'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]. :'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''. :'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants! : . . . :'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''! : . . . :'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup. : . . . :'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Master''': Silence! :'''Joel''': Is golden! :'''The Master''': ''Silence!'' :'''Joel''': ''Is golden!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master points towards someting off-screen]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dramatically]'' Pull my finger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo… :'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here. :'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]'' :'''Crow''': I wish those hands would just push him over! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo... :'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? :. . . :'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the end credits roll...]'' :'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew! :'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. :'''Servo''': Where to start? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]'' :'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! :'''Joel''': No. Always wonder. :''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]'' :'''Servo''': COME ON! :''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! :'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. :''[They leave the theater.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]'' :'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! :''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]'' :'''Torgo''': They always do that! == Season 5 == === Warrior of the Lost World === :'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival? :'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]'' :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that! <hr width="50%"/> :''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. === Hercules === :''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules is choking a lion.]'' :'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]'' :'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]'' :'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today. === Swamp Diamonds === ==== What to Do on a Date (short) ==== :''[The titles appear.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha! :''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?! :'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much. :'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? : . . . :'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''. :'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me. :'''Nick''': Where's my racket? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]'' :'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that? :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head. :''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]'' :'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas! :'''Joel''': The lunch menu? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]]. ==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ==== :''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land! === Secret Agent Super Dragon === :''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]'' :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls... === The Magic Voyage of Sinbad === :''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]'' :'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]'' :'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]] === Eegah === :''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]'' :'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. :. . . :'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. <hr width="50%"> :''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]'' :'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah! :'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie! :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]'' :'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]'' :'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here. :'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. :'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]'' :'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]'' :'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do? :'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. :'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]] :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a dress store]'': :'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''! :''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me. === I Accuse My Parents === ==== The Truck Farmer (short) ==== :''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]'' :'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents... :'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences. :'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]'' :'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no! :'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares? :'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them. :'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition. :'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes. :'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]'' :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer, go! : . . . :'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day. :'''Joel''': What's that? :'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]'' :'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]'' :'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used. :'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help. :'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice! : . . . :''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen. :'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem... :'''Crow''': Texans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]'' :'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]'' :'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? ==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ==== :''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]'' :'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the title sequence]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Jimmy's trial...]'' :'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor... :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]! :'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents! :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy... :'''Crow''': Define "happy!" :'''Kitty''': ...In your work... :'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]'' :'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]'' :'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now! :'''Crow''': I accuse her hair! === Operation Double 007 (A.K.A.: Operation Kid Brother) === :''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays! :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]'' :'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened. :'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened... === The Girl in Lovers Lane === :''[Singing to the opening credits theme]'' :'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane... :'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]'' :'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat. :'''Bix''': That's a good idea. :'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. :''[The two enter a diner.]'' :'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat? :'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny. :'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]'' :: The 5:15 from Duluth, :: Oh my! It just derailed! :: The toxic waste is spillin', :: The conductor's been impaled. :: A benzene cloud has risen :: And the whole town's startin' to cough. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' :: Within a matter of day-eeez, :: All of our skin will fall off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]] === The Painted Hills === ==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ==== :''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]'' :'''Narrator''': Ah, spring! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then. :'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to... :'''Crow''': Underpants. :'''Narrator''': ...Love. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of slovenly girl.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair! :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair! :'''Narrator''': And that blouse! :'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking! :... :''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]'' :'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being! :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you! :. . . :''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose. :. . . :'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! :''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]'' :'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]'' :'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes— :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral. :'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous. :'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles. :'''Crow''': Skin sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]'' :'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming. : . . . :'''Narrator''': And you... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel! :'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight. :''[As we fade out...]'' :'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! :'''Crow''': You're next! :''[A few more names appear]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''! ==== The Painted Hills (movie) ==== :''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]'' :'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked! :'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy... :'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]'' :'''Servo''': How did that corral get there?<br> :'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]'' :'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]'' :'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES! === Gunslinger === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period. :'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses! :'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman... :'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar. :'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]'' :'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall! :'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here... :'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Only the good die young. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]'' :'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec! :''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]'' :'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores! :'''Servo''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]'' :'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes... :'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck. :. . . :'''Servo [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! === Mitchell === :''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] :'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s— :'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Ee-gah... :'''Crow''': Shtemlo. :'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]... :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]'' :'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance. :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off. :'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green. :'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]'' :'''Joel''': Baby oil! :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH! :'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]'' :'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? :''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]'' :'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell... :'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you :'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother. :'''Kid''': Why not? :'''Mitchell''': Why not? :'''Kid'''': No, why not? :'''Mitchell''': No, why not? :'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire. :'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Kid''': I'm not! :'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not! :'''Kid''': You are! :'''Mitchell''': Buzz off! :'''Kid''': What? :'''Mitchell''': What? :'''Kid''': What did you say? :'''Mitchell''': What'd you say? :'''Kid''': Did you say something? :'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell? :'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]'' :'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say? :'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]'' :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]'' :'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! === The Brain That Wouldn't Die === :''[In the operating room...]'' :'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in. :'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. : . . . :''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]'' :'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car? :''[Cut to them driving.]'' :'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car. :'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? :''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]'' :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]'' :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? : . . . :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy? : . . . :''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]'' :'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him! :'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]'' :'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]'' :'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out. :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''. :''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]'' :'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]]. : . . . :'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]'' :'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs? :'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]'' :'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me. :'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]'' :'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]'' :'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN! :'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]'' :'''Joel [as Cortner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! :''[The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]'' :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door! : . . . :''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]'' :'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew! === Teen-Age Strangler === ==== Is This Love? (short) ==== :''[Reading the title card]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the college dorm room]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed. :''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh. :'''Liz''': Hi, Peg! :''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead. :'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something. :'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other. :'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is! :'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything! :'''Peg''': It's the real thing. :'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy. :'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is ending.]'' :'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey? :'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]] :'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love? :'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. :''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]'' :'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing. :'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. :''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?" :'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?" :''[Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]'' :'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments" :'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?" :'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough" :'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation" :'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!" :'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]" ==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ==== :''[As a girl is strangled]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]! === The Wild Wild World of Batwoman === ==== Cheating (short) ==== :''[Reading the opening cards]'' :'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens over a large clock.]'' :'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''! :''[The clock strikes ominously.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A phone rings.]'' :'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. :''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Why don't they call? :'''Crow''': Because they don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it? :'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat! :'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh? :'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed. :'''Crow''': Split it open now! :'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach. :'''Servo''': On a doily. :'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance. :''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. :''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you? :'''Crow''': Or was it lust? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. :''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative. :''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]'' :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat. :'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please. :''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]'' :'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! :''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]'' :'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! :. . . :'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins. <hr width="50%"/> :''Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.'' :'''Johnny:''' Hey, Jim. What's that? :'''Jim:''' Meetin' of the student council. :'''Mike [as Jim]:''' They're hangin' you in effigy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest? :'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A question mark appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! ==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]]. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors! :'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? :''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]'' :'''Mike''': Whahappa? :'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes! :''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]]. :'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]'' :'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in. :'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha&mdash; that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed! :'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell. :''' Mike''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me. : '''Servo''': Me too. :'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]'' :'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!'' :''[And now, at last, the film ends.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world! :'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! === Alien from L.A. === :''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son? :'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir. :'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches! :'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir! :'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''! :'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared... :'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon... :'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath! :'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]]. :'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy? :'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo! :'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?'' :'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't? :'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!'' :'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back. :'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!'' :'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]'' :'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction. : . . . :'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]'' :'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque! :'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill. :'''Crow''': Have you <i>been</i> to Istanbul? :'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]'' :'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue! :'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]'' :'''Wanda''': Dad? :'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]'' :'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice? :'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! === Beginning of the End === :''[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]'' :'''Mike [as Audrey]''': Wait, this isn't a stick shift... ''AAGGGHHH!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em! :. . . :'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! :. . . :''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts! <hr width="50%"> :''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago. <hr width="50%"> :''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]'' :'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois. === The Atomic Brain === ==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ==== :''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]'' :'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve? : . . . :'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]'' :'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already! :'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it? :'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name! ==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ==== :''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]''' :'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!'' :'''Servo:''' ''Lady...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]'' :'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]'' :'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]'' :'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]'' :'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain? :'''Mike''': I don't know... === Outlaw === :''[Over the title screen]'': :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...'' :'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]'' :'''Crow''': I hate this movie already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot? :'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]'' :'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield? :''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]'' :'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Where the hell am I? :'''Mike''': You're the hell here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot? :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting! :'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba! :'''Watney''': What? :'''Cabot''': Koruba. :''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]'' :'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. :'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him... :'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? :'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now! :'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard''': Who are you? :'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot. :'''Guard''': Cabot? :''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]'' :'''Peasant #1''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #2''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #3''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #4''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #5''': Cabot! :'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. <hr width="50%"> :''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]'' :'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression! :'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]'' :'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities! :'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A beaten and bloodied Cabot is brought before Queen Lara.]'' :'''Queen Lara''': ''[accusing Xenos]'' What have you done to the prisoner? :'''Servo [as Jack Palance]''': Uh, we canceled it. [[w:The_Prisoner|It was too obscure.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jack Palance's character Xenos is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]'' :'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about? :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Lara''': ''[in phenomenally bad [[w:Automated_dialogue_replacement|ADR]]]'' Get out of here! You dis''gust''ing worm! :'''Xenos''': At once... your... Royal... Highness. :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': Now... if... you'll... ex...cuse me, I'm going to go... tear my... agent a new... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]'' :'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it. :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight." :'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?" :'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard." :'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping." :'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap." :'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?" :''[all shudder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, well. :'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film? :'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''? :'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think? :'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]]. :'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''." :'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''." :'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"? :'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!" :'''Crow''': I like it! :'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah. :'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!" :'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"! :'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"? :'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''." :'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"? :'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen. :'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!" :'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''." :'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''." :'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!" :'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''." :'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good. === Radar Secret Service === ==== Last Clear Chance (short) ==== :''[Title of short appears]'' :'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As woman walks away from car]'' :'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr. :. . . :'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs... :'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived. :'''Patrolman''': ...then this train might come as a surprise to you. :'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive. :'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves. :'''Servo [as patrolman]''': They're communists! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others. :'''Crow''': 'All nude girls!' :'''Servo''': 'Whites only'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]'' :'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often... :'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane] :'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say-- :'''Servo''': AAAAAH! :''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]'' :'''Servo''': That's what they say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]'' :'''Frank''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge? :'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look? :'''Servo [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours... :'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table! :'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little... :'''Servo''': ...uh-oh... :'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother! :'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED! :'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies... :'''Servo''': He's a bad cop on the loose! :'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD! :'''Mike''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch! ==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ==== :''[As title of movie appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover! :'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years. === Santa Claus === :''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]'' :'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine! :'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]'' :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive... :. . . :''[Over Spain]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]] :. . . :''[Over China]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing... :'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England. :'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient. :'''Crow''': ...are not here today. :'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation. :'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The group from France. :'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven! :. . . :''[Over Germany]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer! :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer! :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front? :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}} :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up! :'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy. :'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]'' :'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]? :'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf. :'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean. :'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie. :'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon! :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]] :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina. :'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now. :'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America. :'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests. :'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next. :. . . :'''Crow''': Hooray! :'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo! :'''Narrator''': The children of the USA. :'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better. :. . . :'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico. :'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].'' :'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry! :'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator. :'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back. :''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].'' :'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey. :'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses! :'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]'' :'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away. :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod! <hr width="50%"/> :''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]'' :'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa! :'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]]. :'''Servo''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]'' :'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several children are writing.]'' :'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]... :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol! :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! :''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head. :''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]'' :'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! :''[Santa is still laughing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?! :''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]'' :'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]'' :'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America? :'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]'' :'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! === Teen-Age Crime Wave === :''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]'' :'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya. :'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble! :'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]'' === Village of the Giants === :''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]'' :'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English! :'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!'' :'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.''] :'''Servo''': He blew his hand off! :'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]'' :'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding. :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no... :'''Mike''': No, that's real. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]'' :'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]'' :'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''! :'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]'' :'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big. :'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl. :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]] :'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this! :'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''! :'''Crow''': I&mdash; huh? === 12 to the Moon === ==== Design for Dreaming (short) ==== :''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward. :''[We go straight into the story.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright... :'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]'' :'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives! :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today... :'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]'' :'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...! :'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would! :'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too! :'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it! :''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]'' :'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it! :''[Mike and Servo gasp]'' :. . . :'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue! :'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]'' :'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning! :'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there? :''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]'' :'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no! :''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]'' :'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing. :'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho... :'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down. :''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow! :. . . :'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat! :'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]'' :'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready. :'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way! :'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything... :'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''! : . . . :'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change. :''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]'' :'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!'' :'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''! :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]]. :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]'' :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows... :'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car! :. . . :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph... :'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car. :'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay. :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional. :'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason. :. . . :'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car. :'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin. :'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]! :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''! :''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]'' :'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR! :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Firebird II]'' :'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car! :'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete. :. . . :'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red? :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]'' :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. :''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... :'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]] :. . . :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock. :. . . :'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it. :. . . :'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America. :. . . :'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]'' :'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out! :''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]'' ==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ==== :''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]'' :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady! :'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady! :'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady! :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady. :'''Mike''': She's in everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': Doughnuts? :'''Servo''': No, no, no. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]'' :'''Secretary General''': At this moment... :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die! :'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]]. :'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program. :'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump. :'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]! :'''Secretary General''': ... international territory. :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]]. : . . . :'''Secretary General''': God be with you. :'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]'' :'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised! :'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah. :'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. == Season 6 == === Girls Town === :''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry! : . . . :'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a moral! ''[resumes screaming]'' : . . . :''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]'' :'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me? : . . . :''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]'' :'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck! : . . . :'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!" : . . . :''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]'' :'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]'' :'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister. :'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]'' :'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend]'' :'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you. :'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]'' :'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Any.. studs around here? :'''Serafina''': Any what? :'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! :'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold. :'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven… : . . . :'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}} <hr width="50%"/><!-- DO NOT CHANGE "ORchard"; THIS IS PROPER CAPITALIZATION FOR OLD-STYLE PHONE #s --> :''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]'' :'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]'' :'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! :'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight! === Invasion USA === ==== A Date with Your Family (short) ==== :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reading a list of names in the credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks inside a pot]'' :'''Narrator''': What's the matter? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE! ]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course... <hr width="50%"> :''[as the boys talk with their dad]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers. :'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Father begins passing food.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... :''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]'' :'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines. :'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people. :'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU! :'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you. :'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it. :''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU? :'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! :'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release. ==== Invasion USA (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening credits...]'' :'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]. :. . . :''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions. :'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today. :'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth. <hr width="50%"/> :''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]'' :'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink? :'''Carla''': Yes, but I— :'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her. :'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts. === The Dead Talk Back === ==== The Selling Wizard (short) ==== :''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]'' :'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer. :'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em! :'''Narrator''': You... :'''Mike''': Me? :'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor. :'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock. :'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against— <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising... :'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla! :'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. :'''Crow''': For high people. :''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]'' :'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items... :'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it! :'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily... :'''Mike''': Women's fault. :''[The stack suddenly drops]'' :'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision. :'''Crow''': The market crashed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]'' :'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in heaven? :'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? :'''Servo''': Bosoms! :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. :'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noticing a box in the freezer]'' :'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. :'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! :'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity. :'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. :'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This freezer rules! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]'' :'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... :'''Mike''': ...makes no sense. :. . . :'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. :. . . :'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...'' :. . . :'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': But I need a stove. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream. :'''All''': Hi-yo! :'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film. :'''Servo''': Hi-yo! ==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]'' :'''Crow''': The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. :'''Servo [as cinematographer]''': C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car:]'' :'''Crow''': With thirty-four cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. :'''Servo''': She's flooding the radio. :''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car:]'' :'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there. :'''Crow [as driver]''': Maybe this isn't my car. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker introduces himself:]'' :'''Krasker''': Me? :'''Mike''': You? :'''Krasker''': Who am I? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Frankly I've forgotten. :'''Krasker''': I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. ''[softly]'' Mike, help me! :'''Krasker''': My philosophy? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Lots of leather. :'''Krasker'''; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': [[w:Teen_Talk_Barbie#Controversy|It's really hard.]] :'''Krasker''': There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Which he'll be happy to give us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krasker''': Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? :'''Servo''': Quit squirming. :'''Krasker''': Why just think! We could find lost articles... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Coupons! :'''Krasker''': Treasures... Gold mines... :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': You're not buying any of this, are you? :'''Krasker''': We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': I'm so lonely... ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]'' :'''Krasker''': It takes a while for... temperature attunement. :'''Crow''': Uh-huh... :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Krasker''': Warming up. :'''Crow''': Sure. :'''Krasker''': We'll try it again later. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... :'''Krasker''': The problem of communicating with the... departed... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Is that they're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:]'' :'''Mike [as officer]''': Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:]'' :'''Servo [as suspect]''': The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... :'''Crow''': One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. :'''Servo''': Zero to sixty... in about an hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]'' :'''Servo''': Is someone purring? :''[Crow looks around for a bit.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"]'' :'''Krasker''': Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. :'''Mike''': To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. :'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly&mdash; :'''Servo''': That's because it's a '''''RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]'' :'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! === Zombie Nightmare === :''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes! :''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school? :''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. :''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party! :''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]'' :'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Before the car hits Tony]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him! :''[Tony gets hit by car]'' :'''Servo''': ...Or not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]'' :'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose! :'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]'' :'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]'' :'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester! :. . . :''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Damn radiator! :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]'' :'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]'' :'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! :'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. :'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]'' :'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene. :''[The car drives off the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': And that's it. === Colossus and the Headhunters === :''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]'' :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': What is your name? :'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours? :'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]'' :'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! :'''Maciste''': Land! Land! :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land! :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]'' :'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... :''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh. Heh. :. . . :''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]'' :'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! :'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]'' :'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. :'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders. :'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... :'''Servo''': And pants! :'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. :'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous. : . . . :'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... :'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun! :'''Kermes''': ...advisor. :'''Crow''': Huh?! : . . . :''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fight scene has broken out.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]'' :'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods! : . . . :''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]'' :'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend. :'''Crow''': Apparently! : . . . :'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment. :'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look. : . . . :'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]'' :'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]'' :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work! : . . . :'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something! === The Creeping Terror === :''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]'' :'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir? <hr width="50%"/> :[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth''] :'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... :'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]'' :'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]'' :'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd! :'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing! === Bloodlust! === :'''Gypsy''': ''[of Pearl Forrester]'' Boy I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'switch'! :'''Crow and Servo''': She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! ==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ==== :''[The title appears on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council? :'''Servo''': Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day. <hr width="50%"/> :[''As grain pours out of a spout''] :'''Crow [as George]''': I just saw a finger! :'''Mike''': Can we go home? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids are playing in the hay]'' :'''Servo [as city girl]''': But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]'' :'''Crow [as girl]''': Uncle Jim's out of control - we [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today. ==== Bloodlust! (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''— :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it! :'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]'' :'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" <hr width="50%"/> :[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended''] :'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic. === Code Name: Diamond Head === ==== A Day at the Fair (short) ==== :''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very beginning of the short]'' :'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held. :'''Servo''': Any questions so far? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish. :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish... :'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. :'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]'' :'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! :''[The short cuts to a new scene]'' :'''Narrator''': What's this? :'''Crow''': EVIL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]'' :'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]'' :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''... :. . . :'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights? :'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go? :'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harness races at the grandstand]'' :'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car! :'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots! :. . . :'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! :'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''... :'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? :. . . :'''Narrator''': They're into the curb. :'''Servo''': And they're into jazz. :'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! :. . . :''[One horse is way behind.]'' :'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The race is over. :'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. :'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...'' :''[Fade to the next scene]'' :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]'' :'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin. :'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. :. . . :'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done. ==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ==== :''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to&mdash; :''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]'' :'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''. :'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''. === The Skydivers === ==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ==== :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is a Centron production.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet? :'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]'' :'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... :'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear! :'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes! :'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools… :'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman… :'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress! :'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants! :'''Joe''': ...A wrench... :'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! :'''Joe''': ...A plane... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends! :'''Joe''': ...or a chisel... :'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls? :'''Mike''': No, no, chisels! :'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer! :'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]'' :'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this? :'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]]. :'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. :'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. :'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh? :'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? :'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why? :''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]'' :'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters. :'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. :. . . :''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men. :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators. :'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]! ==== The Skydivers (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here? :'''Beth''': Frankie's not here. :'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee? :'''Joe Moss''': Coffee? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"? :'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee! :'''Beth''': Well, good! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. :. . . :''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]'' :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. :'''Harry''': Bob, you ready? :'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry! :''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! :'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film. : . . . :''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]'' :'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''? :'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes. : . . . :''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]'' :'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]'' :'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. : . . . :'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. :'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow? :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor. :'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow. :'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]]. :'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man. : . . . :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky. :'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''. :'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. :'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]'' :'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]'' :'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]'' :'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken? :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]'' :'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[w:The Right Stuff|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]'' :'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves. : . . . :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]'' :'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? === The Violent Years === ==== A Young Man's Fancy (short) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]'' :'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this. :'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently. :'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you. :'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]'' :'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''! :'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming! :. . . :'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''! :'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]'' :'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it. :'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]'' :'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]'' :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR! :'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]'' :'''Alex''': There we are. :'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing? :'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''! :'''Crow''': ''[begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the closing credits]'' :'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! :'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. ==== The Violent Years (movie) ==== :''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]'' :'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]'' :'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]'' :'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!'' :'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"'' :'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!'' :'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime... :'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go? === Last of the Wild Horses === :''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': I said Coke. :'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': All I have is Coke. :'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler. :'''Servo''': Okay. Huh? :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie. :'''Servo''': We are. :'''Crow''': And a show? :'''Servo''': No! :'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show? :'''Servo''': Because we are! :'''Crow''': What show? :'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']]. :'''Crow''': That's a movie! :'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with? :'''Crow''': Come with what? :'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?! :'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money? :'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity. :'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact... : . . . :'''Crow''': So what time's dinner? :'''Servo''': Noon okay? :'''Crow''': But that's lunch! :'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing. :''[The Mad's light flashes]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there. :'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that! :'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]'' :'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! :. . . :''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]'' :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. :''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]'' :'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]'' :'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]] === The Starfighters === :''[over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Sean Penn|Sean Penn]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking. :'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah? :'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this? :'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling. :'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago. :'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action! :'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you. :'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner... :'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George... :'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago? :'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir. :'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]'' :'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d... :'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! :'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. :''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] :'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]'' :'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... :'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here". :'''Mike''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! :'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? :'''Mike''': Um... :'''Servo''': Am I right? :'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct. === The Sinister Urge === ==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ==== :''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]'' :'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! :'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! :'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]'' :'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[w:My Fair Lady (film)|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. :'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!'' ==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides. === San Francisco International === :''[Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. :''[The logo fades.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]'' :'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]'' :'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]'' :'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." === Kitten with a Whip === :''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.] :'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house! :''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!'' :'''Servo''': All right! :. . . :'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]. === Racket Girls === ==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ==== :''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]'' :'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]'' :'''Servo''': Visit your government church! :'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]'' :'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction... :'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!'' :'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!'' :'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing? :'''Larry''': How did you know? :'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing". :'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"! :'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''… :''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]'' :'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… :''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]'' :'''Larry''': It's gone! :'''Sue''': Where'd it go?! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!'' :'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]'' :'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]] :''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]'' :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]'' :'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors? :'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs... :'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]! :'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general? :'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff. :'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]] ==== Racket Girls (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]'' :'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby? : . . . :'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise! :'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe! :'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]'' :'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!''''' === The Sword and the Dragon === :''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]'' :'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see a large banquet taking place]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]'' :'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. :'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]'' :'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are? :'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]'' :'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! :''[He turns to face Ilya]'' :'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom! === High School Big Shot === ==== Out of This World (short) ==== :''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]'' :'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]'' :'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...? :'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]'' :'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... <hr width="50%"> :''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread. :'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!'' :. . . :'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important? :'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it. :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got! <hr width="50%"> :''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different. :'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer. :. . . :''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]'' :'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]'' :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid... <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... :''[cut to a montage of grocers]'' :'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron. :'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile. :'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on? :'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect. :'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me? :'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself. :'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone? :'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that. :'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]'' :'''Crow''': A hat and a pad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. :'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know... ==== High School Big Shot (movie) ==== :''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': The Potsie story. === Red Zone Cuba === ==== Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay... :'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked. :'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says... :'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. :'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]'' :'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''. :'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie. :'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]'' :'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified. :'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't. :. . . :'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech. ==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ==== :''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]] :''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!'' :'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]'' :: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load :: I got Coleman Francis on my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]'' :'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... :'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off! :'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. :'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana. : . . . :'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]'' :'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se&ntilde;or Francis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut! :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''" :'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! === [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] === :''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. :'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route. :. . . :''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]'' :'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? :'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in? :'''Mike''': Europe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]'' :'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]'' :'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. :''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]'' :'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. :'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda. :''[Crow begins snickering.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. :''[Crow snickers again.]'' :'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy! : . . . :''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]'' :'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! : . . . :''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]'' :'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive. :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. :'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain. :''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? :'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything... :'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]'' :'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man. :'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him? :'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. :'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. :''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]'' :'''Servo''': Olé! :''[Crow giggles.]'' :'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! :''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]'' :'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am. :'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad. :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]! :'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baccarat game is in progress.]'' :'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. :'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! :''[beat]'' :'''Servo''': But it's nice. :'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah. :''[Crow laughs.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard! === The Beast of Yucca Flats === ==== Money Talks (short) ==== :''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]'' :'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car. :'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin! :'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. :'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}} : . . . :''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce. :'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar] :'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}} ==== Progress Island USA (short) ==== :''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later! <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': An American Democracy... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move. :'''Mike''': Hawaii? :'''Crow''': No, an ''island!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of a school are shown.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name? :'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production. :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over quick shots]'' :'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]'' :'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Students are shown at college.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class. :'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the next piece of background music]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another piece of background music ends.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]'' :'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held. :'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid. :'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down. :''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]'' :''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family. :'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]'' :'''Crow''': Hit me! :'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies. :'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. :''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]'' :'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year. :'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]'' :'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job! :'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]'' :'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. :''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]'' :'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]'' :'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. :. . . :''[We see record players being made.]'' :'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style. :'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there! :'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the short's closing screen]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend. ==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ==== <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]'' :'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits! <hr width="50%"/> ''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler. :'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a chase scene.]'' :'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen. :'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Vacation time. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye. :'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south. :'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the mountain...]'' :'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick. :'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is chased by a light plane.]'' :'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?'' :'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse. :'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury. :'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself? :'''Narrator''': Noted scientist. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council! :''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]'' :'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?! === Angels Revenge === :''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]'' :'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. :''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! :''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]'' :'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]'' :'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad. :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference. :'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terry''': I've got an idea. :''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]'' :'''Servo''': What a great idea! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]'' :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:T & A|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]'' :'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]'' :'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]'' :'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please? :'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card. :'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you? :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap? :. . . :'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand. :'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name? :'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this. :'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name! === The Amazing Transparent Man === ==== The Days of Our Years (short) ==== :''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there. :'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]'' :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]'' :'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe". :'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]'' :'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away. :'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]'' :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring! :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years... :'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]'' :'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here! ==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]'' ::He's amazing and amusing, ::he's delicious and nutritious, ::two for breakfast, one for... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors. :'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]'' :'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. :. . . :'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. :. . . :''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]'' :'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]]. :. . . :''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.] :'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! :. . . :'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.] :'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this. === Samson vs. the Vampire Women === :'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] :'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]'' :'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}} : . . . :''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]'' :'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin. :'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]'' :'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover. :'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music! :'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. :'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! :'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]'' :'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}} :'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!''''' :'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on? :'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? :. . . :'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? == Season 7 == === Night of the Bloodbeast === ==== Once Upon a Honeymoon (short) ==== :''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a wide shot of the living room]'' :'''Mike''': They live in a doll house! :'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]'' :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. :'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy. :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! :''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help. :'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling? :'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. :'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky... :'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... :'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]... :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... :'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]... :. . . :''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]'' :'''Mary''': I wish... :''[Beat for one second]'' :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... :'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER! :''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... :'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... :'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! :. . . :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]'' :'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]'' :'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage. :. . . :'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. :. . . :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. :. . . :'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]... :'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again! :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. :'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not? :'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's! :''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content. :'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? ==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ==== :''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]]. :'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]'' :'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. :'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]'' :'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? :'''Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! :'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave hears something.]'' :'''Dave''': Steve? :'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]'' :'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush? :'''Donna''': Steve. :'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes? :'''Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes? :'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]'' :'''Servo''': And the Steves are there! :'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]'' :'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]'' :'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]'' :'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more. :'''Crow''': I took these upside down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve enters in from the lab.]'' :'''Steve''': They're gone. :'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]'' :'''Crow''': Carry me. :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': Carry me! :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': CARRY ME! :'''Servo''': Shut up! :'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh... === The Brute Man === ==== The Chicken of Tomorrow (short) ==== :''[Over the short's title screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]] Story! :'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a dedication in the opening credits] :'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. :'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. :'''Servo''': There it is! No wait, there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! :'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]'' :'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there. :'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked! :. . . :'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]'' :'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow. :. . . :'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. :'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]'' :'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! :. . . :'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson... :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! :. . . :'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye. :. . . :'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]'' :. . . :'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry. :. . . :'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there? :. . . :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. :'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''! :''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]'' :'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. :''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]'' :'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! :'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this? :'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? :'''Servo''': You bet! :'''Narrator''': Indeed they can! :'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Heh, I was right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]'' :'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said, "Speed is '''ESSENTIAL'''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]'' :'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! :''[the next scene fades in]'' :'''Crow''': Chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]'' :'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on? :'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway! :'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed. :'''Crow''': Except for the sports section. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers. :'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents. :''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]'' :'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of chickens eating]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]'' :'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are. :'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse? :'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''? :'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. :'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325. :. . . :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]'' :'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]'' :'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live. :'''Narrator''': Keep that one. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions. :'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. :'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken. :. . . :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]'' :'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]'' :'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]'' :'''Mike''': It's Goofus and Gallant. :. . . :'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please? : . . . :''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion! : . . . :'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. :'''Servo''': These must be models' portions. :'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]... : . . . :'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! (You can carry it in your wallet.) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. :''[The next scene fades in]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. :. . . :''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. :'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]] :'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. :'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. :'''Servo''': I want a new hat. :''[Shot of a gas station]'' :'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. :'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]'' :'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! ==== The Brute Man (movie) ==== :''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]'' :'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]'' :'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Haskins''': [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? :'''Jimmy''': Somebody stuck it under the door. :'''Mr. Haskins''': [annoyed] Uhh... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': I hate customers! :'''Jimmy''': Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? :'''Mr. Haskins''': No! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jimmy]''': Go to hell! :'''Mr. Haskins''': And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Piss off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]'' :'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face? :'''Mike''': Now, come on... :'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't... :'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that! :'''Crow''': I know... :'''Servo''': That hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... :'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. :''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]]. === Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:Metal_umlaut|umlaut]]? :'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] :'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... :''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''. :'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. :''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]'' :'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose? :'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]'' :'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. :'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]'' :'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! :'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]'' :'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]'' :'''Marinda''': I love you! :'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago. :'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]'' :'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. : . . . :''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]'' :'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]'' :'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! === The Incredible Melting Man === :''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." :'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the movie's title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast! :'''Mike''': It's all freeways now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch. :'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]'' :'''Loring''': How many weeks is she? :'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? :. . . :''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]'' :'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]'' :'''General Perry''': How's it looking? :'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good. :'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office! :. . . :''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]'' :'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!'' :'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]'' :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka? :'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do? :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}} :'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka. :'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. :''[She brings over his soup.]'' :'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. :''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers? :'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve? :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve? :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers! :'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve. :'''Judy Nelson''': Why you? :'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know. :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]'' :'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]'' :'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Nelson''': DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON! :''[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the melting man]'' Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]'' :'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! :'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]'' : '''Servo''': ''[as janitor]'' I'll never understand white people... :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]'' :'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing. :'''Servo''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. :'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. :'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr". :'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... :'''Mike''': Very good. :'''Crow''': I kill me. :'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. :'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements. :'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house. :'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. :''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway? :'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. :'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. :'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? :'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. :'''Servo''': Good lesson. :'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. :'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. :'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. :'''Servo''': Aadgka! :'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. :'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. :'''Mike''': And neither are actors. :'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. :''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]'' :'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''. :'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? :'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. :'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. :'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]] :'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. :'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex. :'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya. === Escape 2000 === :''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature? :'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] :'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :''[A man is thrown out a window]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! :''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! :''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[snickers]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]]. :'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! :'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you— :'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... :'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx. :'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx. :''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]'' :'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! :. . . :'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6. :'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]'' :'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]'' :'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]'' :'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted. :'''Servo''': Pretty much. :'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes. :''[They come across a homeless man]'' :'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. :''[He looks up at the Disinfesters] :'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion! :''[The troopers close in on him]'' :'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''! :'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! :'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate! :'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]'' :'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]'' :'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks! :''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]'' :'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]'' :'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]'' :'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]]. :'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there! :'''Servo''': ...right there! :'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there! :''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]'' :'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us! :''[They get shot.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Trash blows up a van]'' :'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]'' :'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]'' :'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five! === Laserblast === :''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. :. . . :''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] :'''Mike''': Oh great, [[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]'' :'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]'' :'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow! :'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". :'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". :''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]'' :'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']]. :'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. :'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]'' :'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. :'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. :'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]'' :'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]'' :'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank. :'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. :'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! : . . . :''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]'' :'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]'' :'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.] :'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars. :'''Crow''': Huh. :'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star. :'''Mike''': Oh wow. :'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera! :''[Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]'' :'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''. :'''Crow''': Uhh— :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars. :'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out. :'''Servo''': Oh. Good. :'''Mike''': Lemme see here... :'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]? :'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got? :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars. :'''Crow''': Hm? :'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it. :'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars. :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': I'm kidding. :'''Crow''': Oh. :'''Servo''': I hope so. :'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh... :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Mm-hm. :'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''. :'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''. :'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible... :'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''&mdash;two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars. :'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?'' :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What? :'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding. :'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez... :'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''. :'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''. :''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no— :'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Mike''': OK, ah— :'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. :'''Mike''': Uh, yeah... :'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''— :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''— :'''Servo''': Uh huh. :'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''— :'''Servo''': No! :'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''— :'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that! :'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars. :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': The same quality. :'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way. :'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace". :'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''. == Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth) == :''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike! :'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. :'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams? :'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again. :'' 'Ren' '': Free in special packs of weetos, get Free Minecraft Bubble blowers. :'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? :'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. :'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? :'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that? :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... :'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? :'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! :'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! :'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' :'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow! :'''Crow''': Huh? :'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop! :'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*] :'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! :'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! :''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! :'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''! :'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]'' :'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations? :''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah! :''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]'' :'''Mike''': SERVO! :''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo! :'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again! :. . . :'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT! :'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. :'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. :'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]'' :'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn! :''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]'' :'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! :'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week! :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]'' :''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]'' :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir! :'''Servo''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]'' :''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! :'''Crow''': What a dickweed! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]'' :''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN! :''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]'' :'''[Dr. Forrester]''': ''[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen]'' ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who '''doesn't''' have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! ''[zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly]'' I am the God... I'm the God!! ==== This Island Earth (movie) ==== :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! :'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]'' :'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International? <hr width="50%"/> :''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]'' :'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! :'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]! :'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces. :'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt. :'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're ''safe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... :''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]'' :'''Servo''': ...oh. :'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. :'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. :'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe running towards the Jeep]'' :'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. :'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best. :''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum! :''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay. :'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}} : . . . :''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]] :''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]'' :'''Mike''': Fries are up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house. :'''Crow''': A man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]'' :'''Servo''': But before unpacking – [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts. :''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir! :''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Where do we start? :'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say... :'''Servo''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!" :'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" :'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe. :'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good! :''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]'' :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! :''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! :''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]'' :'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda! :'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?! :'''Mike''': No! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?! :'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brack enters the scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]! :'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]]. :''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]'' :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning! :'''Meacham''': Good morning. :'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': What I want to know is... :'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. :'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams. :'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve? :'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]'' :'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? :'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent— :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien! :'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. :'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world. :'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien. : . . . :'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]'' :'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]'' :'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails. :''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]'' :'''Exeter''': They're magnetized. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view. :'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW! <hr width="50%'> :''[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]'' :'''Servo''': What kind of shithole planet ''is'' this?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM! :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU! :'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter! :'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me! :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! :'''Mike''': ACTING! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... :''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]'' :'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal. :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal. :'''Ruth''': Home... :'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here. :'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! :'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! :'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]'' :'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' :'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? == Season 8 == === Revenge of the Creature === :''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men? :'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it! :'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A... :'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]'' :'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]'' :'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]'' :'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]'' :'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]'' :'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! === The Leech Woman === :''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'': :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]. :'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. :'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]'' :'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]'' :'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]'' :'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]? : . . . :''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]'' :'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me? :''[Teri pulls away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. :'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't. :'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]'' :'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''. === The Mole People === :''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]'' :'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. :'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out. :'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... :'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty. :'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. :'''Servo''': It's a story botched. :'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. :'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]'' :'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there! === The Deadly Mantis === :'''Narrator''': For every action... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]'' :'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy. :'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]'' :'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A volcano erupts.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]'' :'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... :'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? === The Thing That Couldn't Die === :''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]'' :'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. :'''Servo''': A trade rat? :'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. :'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine. :'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]'' :'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal! :'''Linda''': It still runs. :'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]'' :'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. :'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there. :'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]'' :'''Flavia''': What's that? :'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot. :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank! === The Undead === :''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! :''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. : . . . :'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! : . . . :'''Servo''': Peter Pan, Antichrist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]'' :'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. :'''Quintus''': When I touch you… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait. :'''Quintus''': …we will be one. :'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]'' :'''Servo''': Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. :'''Mike [as [[w:Ray_Szmanda|Ray Szmanda]]]''': Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]'' :'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. :'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]'' :'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]'' :'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… :'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666! :'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. :'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience. : . . . :'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]'' :'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] :'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quintus''': STAAY!! === Terror from the Year 5000 === :''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]'' :'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample! :'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read! :'''Scientist 1''': What is it? :'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet. :'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. :'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]'' :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy? :'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going? :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball? :'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]'' :'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh! :''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]'' :'''Mike, Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it. === The She-Creature === :''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]'' :'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]'' :'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. :'''Andrea''': I'd like that. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''? :'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]]. :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. :'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch? :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]]. :'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]'' :'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? :'''Erickson''': No. :'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]! :... :'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkling! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] :'''Mike [as Erickson]''': Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... :... :''[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] :'''Crow''': Fear? Elation? What is it? :... :'''Crow''': Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! :... :'''Crow''': Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? :... :'''Crow''': Ennui? Angst? Apathy? ''Gas?'' :... :'''Servo''': Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? :'''Mike''': His emotional memory is the previous scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. === I Was a Teenage Werewolf === :''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles! :'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. : . . . :'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]'' :'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...? :'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. :'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]'' :'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! : . . . :''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. :'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. === The Giant Spider Invasion === :''[First lines of the movie]'' :'''Man''': Sheriff! :'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]] :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]'' :'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace. :''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]'' :'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! :. . . :'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Repeated line]'' :'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]'' :'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion! :'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]'' :'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. :'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! :'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]'' :'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! :''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]'' :'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules... :'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!? :'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]'' :'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink. :'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job. :'''Dan''': I found another body... :'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]'' :'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]'' :'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us! :'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]'' :'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.] :'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]] :'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]] :'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer! === Parts: The Clonus Horror === :''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]'' :'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s! :'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President! :'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']'' :'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]'' :'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write. :'''Richard''': Write? :'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. :'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]'' :'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]'' :'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia! : . . . :''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! : . . . :'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus... :'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar? :. . . :'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? :'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]'' :'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you? :'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape? :'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary. :'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]]. === The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies === :''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". :'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. :'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]'' :'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]]. :. . . :'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. :'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right? :'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket. :'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child. :. . . :'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. :. . . :'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning. :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. :''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the music in the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema. :. . . :'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... :'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]'' :'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''. :'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': How's college? :'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time. :'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college. :'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]'' :'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing. :'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]'' :'''Mike [as Singer]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… :'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape! :'''Servo''': Now, everybody—shave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]'' :'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]'' :'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. :'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? :'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''? :'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing who played Madison]'' :'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison. === Jack Frost === :''[Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]'' :'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]'' :'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Russian names are on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]'' :'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…? :'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… :''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''. : . . . :'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! :'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]]. :'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. : . . . :'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! <hr width="50%"/> :''[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] :'''Ivan''': Nastenka! :'''Servo''': It was her bucket full of [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. :'''Ivan''': What's the matter? :'''Crow [as Ivan]''': Am I un-''bear''-able? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]'' :'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess. :'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow. :'''Marfushka''': Oh, no? :'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''! :'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]'' :'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! :'''Fairy''': Are you afraid? :'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! :'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]'' :'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]'' :'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here! :'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]'' :'''Crow [as Nastenka]''': We spit on your doorstep! :'''Servo''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Crow''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Mike [as her hectored father]''': Please take me with you, please, please... :'''Nastenka''': I'd like you to meet... :'''Servo [as Nastenka]''': Uh, what's your name again? :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka, my fiance. :'''Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]''': I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]'' :'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh! :'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]] :'''Mike''': It's… :'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators! : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]'' :'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! :'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more! === Riding with Death === :''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need! :'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic! :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? :'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?! :'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard Gas! Get the masks! :'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. :'''Observer''': Good god, ape... :'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out! :''[Clanking sound is heard]'' :'''Observer''': Hand grenade! :'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! :'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]'' :''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... :'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— :'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... :'''Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. :'''Crow''': Just a little too much. :''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]'' :'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... :'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— :'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... :'''Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike! :'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away! :'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]'' :'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike! :'''Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. :'''Crow''': Is that so? :''[Mike reenters without the bomb]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... :'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... :'''Crow''': A little distraction! :''[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? :'''Servo''': Think so... :'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]'' :'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]. :'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story. :'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy? :. . . :'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O. :. . . :'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. :'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky. :'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]'' :'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. '''Servo''' makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]'' :'''Mike [as Driscoll]''': What is ''on'' these things? :'''Driscoll''': The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... :'''Crow [as Driscoll]''': I have to clean my glasses first. :'''Driscoll''': Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... :'''Servo [as Driscoll]''': My glasses are filthy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! <hr width="50%"/> :<span id="CrowSyndrome-RwD">''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''</span> :'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. :'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. :'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— :'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh— Crow! : . . . :''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]'' :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. :'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad. :'''Mike''': You inspired me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]'' :'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]'' :'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]! === Agent for H.A.R.M. === :''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby! : . . . :''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]'' :'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range. :'''Mike''': The judo ''range''? : . . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later. : . . . :''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]'' :'''Adam''': Judo range! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too. :'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? :'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. :'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? :'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees? :'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! :'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey? :'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]'' :'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone? :'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]'' :'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]'' :'''Mike''': Here's the wind up.... :''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]'' :'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! :'''Servo''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! === Prince of Space === :''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]'' :'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]'' :'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore? :'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down! : . . . :'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]'' :'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. :'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]'' :'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We hear a barking dog running past]'' :'''Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! :''[A police car drives past in the same direction]'' :'''Mike''': ''After that dog!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. :. . . :''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]'' :'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren! :'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"? :'''Servo''': "Diffren"? :'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! :'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]'' :'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. :'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] :'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun! :'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting. :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken! :'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! :'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh! :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]'' :'''Phantom''': What a fool! :'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! :'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phantom''': Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What's that? :'''Phantom''': Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What!? :'''Servo''': For cryin' out loud... '''EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] :'''Mike''': The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] :'''Phantom''': Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]'' :'''Prince of Space''': Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? :'''Phantom''': Shoot him! :'''Mike [as henchman]''': Brilliant new plan, sir! === Horror of Party Beach === :''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]'' :'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]] :'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]'' :'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway? :'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. :'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]'' :: Chances are :: That I'll kick your scrawny ass... :. . . :''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]'' :'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! :'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand! :. . . :'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. :'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. :'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough! :'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]'' :'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid. :'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]'' :'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?" :'''Servo''': Huh? :'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"! :'''Servo''': "Look Polish"! :'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]'' :'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something. :'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The time of day has been changing]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . === Devil Doll === :'''Tom Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Have you seen Crow? :'''Mike Nelson''': Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. :'''Servo''': Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[offscreen]'' DEBBIE!! :'''Mike Nelson''': Debbie, right; that's it. :'''Crow''': ''[offscreen]'' Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! ''[punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]'' :'''Servo''': ''[wincing]'' Oh, please, say that was a lamp! :'''Mike Nelson''': Uh, it was probably just a lamp. :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! :'''Servo''': He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! :'''Crow''': I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! :'''Mike Nelson''': Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! :'''Servo''': ''[also sobbing]'' My windoooowww! :''[some time later]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': There, there, Crow. :'''Crow''': Debbie... :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? :'''Crow''': I think I like the Debbie one better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hugo]''': I'm driving with my ''mind!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|Am I a mod or a rocker]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. :''[Later in the same shot]'' :'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]'' :'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... :'''Servo [as the Great Vorelli]''': Then I'll be right back. :'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment. :''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]'' :'''Crow [as the Great Vorelli]''': Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? :'''Hugo''': Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. :'''The Great Vorelli''': What do you mean? :'''Hugo''': Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. :'''The Great Vorelli''': And what's wrong with that? :'''Hugo''': Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. :'''The Great Vorelli''': Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Mid-wax, Hugo? :'''Hugo''': ''[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine]'' Give me some wine. I want some wine. :'''The Great Vorelli''': A dummy? Drinking wine? :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Spodie-odie? :'''The Great Vorelli''': Don't be ridiculous! :'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]] :'''The Great Vorelli''': You are a dummy, Hugo. :'''Crow''': ''[as the audience claps]'' The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]'' :'''Crow [as Hugo]''': You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham! <hr width="50%"/> :''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]'' :'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died. :'''Mike [as Mark]''': Did he live? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo... :'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]'' :'''Mike [as Hugo]''': Please cover my cage... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]'' :'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]'' :'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo [as Hugo in Vorelli's body]''': I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! === [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] === :''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]'' :'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]'' :'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! :. . . :'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. :. . . :''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]'' :'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]'' :'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]'' :'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]'' :'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]'' :'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef? :'''Mike''': That's "Chief." :'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime! :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. :'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]'' :'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...? :'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? :'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! :'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... :'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]] :. . . :'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up? :'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No. :'''Crow''': Sure? :'''Mike''': ...Yeah. :. . . :''[Another spaceship begins to dive] :'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]'' :'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this? :'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!''''' :'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa! :'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:]'' :'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight... :'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... :'''Scientist''': Seven... :'''Crow''': One. :'''Scientist''': Six... :'''Crow''': One! :'''Scientist''': Five... :'''Crow''': ''One!!'' :'''Scientist''': Four, three... :'''Crow''': '''''ONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]'' :'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]'' :'''Crow [as commander]''': Say, has anyone seen my record? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]'' :'''Servo [as probe]''': Oh, no, you kids again? Is there ''anyone'' else on this planet? === [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] === :''[repeated line]'' :'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]'' :'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]." :'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." :'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? :'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then. :'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike! :'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.'' :'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. :'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge! :'''Mike''': So? :'''Servo''': Under construction?! :'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. :'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]'' :'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]'' :'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree. :'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]'' :'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]'' :'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. :'''Mike''': I disagree! :'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''. :'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone. :'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. :'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first. :'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? :'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No! :'''Servo''': The easily led wise council. :''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]'' :'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors! :'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! :'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! :'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. :'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag! :''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] :'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! :'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." :'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? :'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! :'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge. :'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, lady! :'''Lea''': Doctor! :'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''. :'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady! :. . . :'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice! :'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice! :. . . :''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. :'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]! :'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car. :'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! :'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''! :'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']'' : . . . :'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing! : . . . :''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]'' :'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]] :''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead! :'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead! :'''Mike''': She died! :''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen? :'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. : . . . :''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]'' :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. :'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]! : . . . :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. :'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. : . . . :''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]'' :'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]'' :'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. :'''Commander Jansen''': Alright. :'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . :'''Crow''': You're fired. :. . . :''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! :. . . :'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified! :. . . :''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]'' :'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]'' :'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]'' :'''Lea''': I'm leaving. :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee? :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea! :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? :'''Servo''': Oh? :'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]'' :'''Crow''': Here's some free advice for the mutineers: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!'' :'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]'' :'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. :'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. :'''Lea''': You bastard! :'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]'' :'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]'' :'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]'' :'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]'' :'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead! :'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat! :'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk! :'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift! :'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank! :'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair! :'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag! :'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge! :'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast! :'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese! :'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots! :'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest! :'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone! :'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob! :'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw! :'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin! :'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest! :'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen! :'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec! :'''Mike''': Rip Steakface! :'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock! :'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal! :'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat! :'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek! :'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron! :'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody! :'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch! :'''Mike''': Buff Hardback! :'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... :'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck! :'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak! :'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust! :'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth! :'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod! :'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody! :'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge! :'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle! :'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef! :'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist! :'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? :'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! :'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? :'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. :'''Mike''': Uhhh... :''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. :'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. :'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! :'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! :'''Servo''': You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': You and your '80s! :'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s! :'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! :'''Servo''': Yeah! :'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! :''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]'' :'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! :'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! :''[After a while Mike sits up]'' :'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. :''[Pause of a second]'' :'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! :'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! :'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike! :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike! :'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. === [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] === :''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]'' :'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. :'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. :'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too. :''[The logo fades out]'' :'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— :'''Mike''': Okay, stop. :'''Crow''': Cut it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]'' :'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here. :'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]'' :'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]'' :'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]'' :'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick boots up his computer]'' :'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the first scene in 2041]'' :'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future. :''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]'' :'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents? :. . . :'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now... :. . . :''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!'' :''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]'' :'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil! :'''Robertson''': Trust me. :'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]'' :'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]'' :'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]'' :'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! :'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]'' :'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]'' :'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]'' :'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. :'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]'' :'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt! :''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]'' :'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lisa''': Nick! :'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''! :''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]'' :'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]'' :'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! :'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. :. . . :'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! :'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right. :. . . :''[as Nick climbs down the tree]'' :'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]! :'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]'' :'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. :''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]'' :'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]'' :'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. :'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. :''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]'' :'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]'' :'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?! :''[The writer credit appears]'' :'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]'' :'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]'' :'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! :. . . :'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know. :''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]'' :'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! === [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] === :''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]'' :'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! :'''Mike''': Let go of it, man! :'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses! :''[Movie Sign goes off]'' :'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]'' :'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]] :'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... :'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it! :'''Servo''': ...Cube-an! :'''Mike''': Ahhh. :''[The cube begins to fade away]'' :'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! :'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's theme plays]'' :'''Mike''': And now, the news. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]'' :'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Title card is shown]'' :'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank! :'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]'' :'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]'' :'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. :''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]'' :'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny. :. . . :'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. :. . . :'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. :'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants. :. . . :''[Fingal gets caught.]'' :'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin! :'''Computer''': Ask about his mother. :'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots. :'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Apollonia''': But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]'' :'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? :'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Come_as_You_Are_(Nirvana_song)|Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]'' :'''Fingal''': W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... :'''Apollonia''': Sit down, Mr. Fingal. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': You need to tinkle, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Nothing to worry about. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Trust me. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]'' :'''Boy''': And blue, like this? :'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. :'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?'' :'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. :''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant. :. . . :''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]'' :'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]'' :'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares! :'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]'' :'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater. :'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''! :. . . :'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have? :'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! :. . . :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]'' :'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! :'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]'' :'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]'' :'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]'' :'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee. :. . . :'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, [[w:Ram_Dass|Ram Dass]]. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place. :'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name of "The Place"]'' :'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place". :'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up. :. . . :'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale". :. . . :'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site". :. . . :'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]'' :'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Heat_of_the_Moment_(Asia_song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]'' :'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]'' :'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! :''[Mike and the Bots all look around]'' :'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that? :'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't... :. . . :'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! :'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that. :. . . :''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon! :... :'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. :'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a rather adult scene]'' :'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]'' :'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life... :'''Crow''': Whoa! :'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! :'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? :. . . :'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! :''[Apollonia slaps him.]'' :'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually. :. . . :'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... :'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]'' :'''Rick''': What're you gonna do? :'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. :'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]'' :'''Computer''': What is your access code? :'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go. :'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry? :'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]'' :'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff. :'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. :. . . :'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]'' :'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... :'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]] :. . . :''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]'' :'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two sailors enter the club.] :'''Servo [as Maître D']''': Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Fat Man leaves]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]'' :'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius. :'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film. :. . . :''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]'' :'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards! :'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]'' :'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell. :. . . :'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! :. . . :''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]'' :'''Mike''': I love you this much! :''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't care for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]'' :'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! :'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on! :'''Crow''': Man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The theme plays at the end.]'' :'''Mike''': And now the news. '' :''[Theme plays again.]'' :'''Mike''': That was the news. == Season 9 == === The Projected Man === <div id="nepenthe"> :''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]'' :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay. :'''Observer''': I could be wrong. </div> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]'' :'''Man''': What's he doing? :'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]'' :'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be! :''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]'' :'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! :. . . :''[Dr. Hill drives away]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be! :''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]'' :'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension! :''[The car's engine makes odd noises]'' :'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need! <hr width="50%"/> :''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]'' :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans! :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]] :'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in! :'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end! :''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]'' :'''Thief''': Gloria? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A? :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo! :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]'' :'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on? :'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? :'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''? :'''Mike''': Crow! :. . . :''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!! :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]'' === The Phantom Planet === :''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him... :'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it. :'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen. : . . . :'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray. : . . . :''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]'' :'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]'' :'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. :'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]'' :'''Chapman''': I don't understand. :'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]'' ::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Guilty! Guilty! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Whoo! Yaaaay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]'' :'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another flashback sequence...] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time! :. . . :''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]'' :'''White''': Chapman! Chapman! :'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum? :'''White''': Where's Makonnen? :'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]'' :'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me... :'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all. ===[[w:The Pumaman|Puma Man]]=== :'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': You can't hide this! :'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]'' :'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? :'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]'' :'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. :'''Crow''': So basically a mild rain could take out that roof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through the city, which is the city of London, for the first time.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man! He flies like a moron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. :'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]'' :'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! :... :''[The henchman gets dropped again.]'' :'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]'' :'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]'' :'''Jane''': I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. :'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''! :'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]'' :'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]'' :'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! :'''Crow''': PU-ma Man! :'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? :'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being! :'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth... :'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you. :'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return! :'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone—the goal of every great hero! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. === Werewolf === :''[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]'' :'''Mike''': I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... :'''Pearl''': ''[Looking at the back of her cereal box]'' Brain Guy. :'''Observer''': Yeah. ''[Summons a cannon which points at Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? :'''Pearl''': ''[Still reading the back of her cereal box]'' "Werewolf". :'''Mike''': "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? :'''Observer''': ''[Still reading the back of his cereal box]'' No. :'''Mike''': Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... ''[Hastily climbs back up the ladder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]'' :'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! :'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]'' :''[Mike enters.] :'''Mike''': Hey, guys. :'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH! :'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... :'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! :'''Servo''': Thank you! :'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. :''[Mike finishes chuckling]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo. :'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]'' :'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here! :'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]'' :'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park. :. . . :'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts... :'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the moon]'' :'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon! :'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla! :''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]'' :'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]'' :'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? :'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]'' :'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now. :'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! :'''Mike''': Heh, good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]'' :'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary! :'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything. :'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]'' :'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]'' :'''Crow:''' It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. :'''Mike:''' ''[holding a rag to his head]'' Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! :'''Crow:''' Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- ''[notices Mike's new features]'' hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! :'''Mike:''' Really? :'''Crow:''' Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! :''[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]'' :'''Mike:''' Wha- what?! :'''Servo:''' Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! :'''Mike:''' ''[Mike does so]'' So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. ''[voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow]'' Hey! Wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. :'''Servo:''' Blech! Don't say essence! :'''Mike:''' Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... :'''Crow:''' ''[choruses with Mike]'' Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! :'''Servo:''' Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! :'''Crow:''' Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? :'''Mike:''' Well I feel thin... :'''Crow:''' Uh-huh. :'''Mike:''' ...I have an intense love for bacon... :'''Crow:''' Oh yeah! :'''Mike:''' ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. :'''Crow:''' Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! :'''Mike:''' Man, I love us! :'''Crow:''' Yeah, me too! :'''Servo:''' ''[disgusted]'' If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mike:''' Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? :'''Crow:''' Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... :'''Mike:''' Okay, good. :'''Crow:''' You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- :'''Mike:''' Already have! :'''Crow:''' Great! ''[Commercial sign starts]'' Oop. ''[choruses with Mike]'' Well be right back! :'''Mike:''' Haha! What else? :'''Crow:''' Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. :'''Mike:''' Ooh, good point! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]'' :'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this? :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to? :'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''. :'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it! :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]'' :'''Sam''': Werewolf? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]] :'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' === The Deadly Bees === :''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]'' :'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]! : . . . :'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] :'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] :'''Hargrove''': Morning, David. :'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? :'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual. :'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late? :'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you? :'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England. :'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]'' :'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? :'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. :'''Coroner''': And her dog? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… :''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]]. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]] :'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know. :'''Mike''': Huh? :''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs! :'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]'' :'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]'' :'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]'' :'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]'' :'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? :'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? === The Space Children === ==== Century 21 Calling (short) ==== :''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. :'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that? :'''Crow''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]'' :'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there. :'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]'' :'''Crow [as nerdy girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]'' :'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]'' :'''Mike [as lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. :''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]'' :'''Crow [as nerdy guy]''': The Führer will like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]'' :'''Grandma''': Hello? :'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma? :'''Crow [as little girl]''': Where's my money? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No. :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. :''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ...And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET''! ==== The Space Children (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]'' :'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]'' :'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why? :'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand. :''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]'' :'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality… === Hobgoblins === :'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]'' :'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes? :'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dennis opens the vault door.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! :'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits! :'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]'' :'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight! :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight. :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... :'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]'' :'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…? :. . . :''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]'' :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]]. :. . . :''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]'' ::It's the '80s! ::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]'' :'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]'' :'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van (song)|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]'' :'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]'' :'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]! : . . . :''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]'' :'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie! :''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] :'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash! :''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]'' :'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]'' :'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you? :'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know! :'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." :'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me? :'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go! :'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! : . . . :'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now! :'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad! :'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen! :''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? :'''Kevin''': No, what? :'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out! === The Touch of Satan === :''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]'' :'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy? :'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge. : . . . :''[Fade to table of people laughing]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''! :''[all laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]! :'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit! : . . . :'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done? :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]'' :'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. : . . . :'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. : . . . :'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around. :''[Jody drives off.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''. :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jody''': This your pond? :''[Lengthy pause]'' :'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question. :'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father. :'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. :''[''Another'' pause] :'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? :'''Jody''': Yeah. :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]'' :'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives. :''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]'' :'''Jody''': Why did you run? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. :'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. :''[A pause.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? :''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives. <hr width=50%"/> :''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]'' :'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]'' :'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch. :. . . :''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]'' :'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine. :'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap. :'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears." :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think. :'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." :''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]'' :'''Strickland''': What is it, child? :'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something. :'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God. :'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. :'''Strickland''': "Yea..." :'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!" :'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." :'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…" :'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." :'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! :. . . :''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David? :'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? :'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it? :'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! === Gorgo === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]'' :'''Mike''': And...? :''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]'' ::They got into port and everyone was okay. ::They went out for lunch and felt better... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]'' :'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit. :'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]'' :'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! :'''Joe''': The sooner, the better! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]'' :'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]'' :'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]'' :'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass? :'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. :'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? :'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! :'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. :'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— :''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]'' :'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]'' :'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea. :'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales. === The Final Sacrifice === :''[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]'' :'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]'' :'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A". :'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses. :. . . :'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]'' :'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. :'''Servo''': Already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]'' :'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''? :'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. :. . . :'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to&mdash; :'''Servo''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.''''' :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. :. . . :''[Troy visits his father's grave.]'' :'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy enters his attic.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. :. . . :''[Troy opens a trunk.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. :'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. :. . . :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. :''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. :''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]! :''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]'' :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. :'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. :''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]'' :'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]'' :'''Servo''': It's ''open!'' :. . . :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]'' :'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]'' :'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie? :'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! :''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]'' :'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troy''': Will you help me find what's behind the map? :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]'' :'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]! :'''Troy''': No. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult. :'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]]. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world. :'''Troy''': How do you know? :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid. :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid. :'''Servo''': D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': They used to rule this land. :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell! :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]'' :'''Troy''': '''FOOD!''' :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though. :'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?! :'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!''' :'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?! :'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]'' :'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? :'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? :'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]] :'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER! :'''Crow''': SING IT! :''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]'' :'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]'' :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side? :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]'' :'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]'' :'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! :'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck. :'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back. :'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! :'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack.... :'''Servo''': ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked. === Devil Fish === :''[The film's title is shown.]'' :'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]'' :'''Peter''': Janet! Janet! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]'' :'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. :'''Dr. West''': In his hands. :'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]'' :'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! :'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in. :'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. :'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over. : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over! : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough. : . . . :''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head! : . . . :''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades. : . . . :''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! :'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers? : . . . :''[Close up of burning water.]'' :'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]]. === The Screaming Skull === ==== Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ==== :'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard! :''[Another robot chops down a tree.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay! :. . . :''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]'' :'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! :'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]'' :'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]] :''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, bad move! Robots do ''not'' fight clean! :''[A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]'' :'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]'' :'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh… :'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike. :'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''! :'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side! ==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ==== :'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey. :'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]'' :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]'' :'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums. :'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull". <hr width="50%"/> :''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]'' :'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]'' :'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] :'''Crow''': Settled in a divot. :''[The skull twitches.] :'''Servo''': Woof! === [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] === :'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David Warner appears.]'' :'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]'' :'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever. : . . . :'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous? :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]'' :'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz! :'''Crow''': Drain the wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? : . . . :'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]]. :'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. :'''Mannerjay''': What of the map? :'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems… :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]'' :'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time. :'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]'' :'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]'' :'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest. :'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]]. == Season 10 == === Soultaker === :''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]'' :'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]... :'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]... :'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card swoops into view.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! :. . . :''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[some jokes about Brad's car]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]! : . . . :'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]'' :'''Natalie''': Karen! :'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]] :. . . :''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke! : . . . :''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] :'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]'' :'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins. : . . . :''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]'' :'''Tommy''': What do you want? :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]'' :'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time! :'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]'' :'''Tommy''': Thanks! :''[The woman laughs it off.]'' :'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]'' :'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom! :'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. :'''Natalie''': What? :'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]'' :'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? :'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]'' :'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!'' :'''Soultaker''': It's all over now. :'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! :'''TV's Frank''': I ''am'' dead. ''[pause]'' I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is ''so political'' up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. === Girl in Gold Boots === :''[The movie opens with scantily clad women dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]'' :'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''? :'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me! :'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart! :'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]'' :'''Buz''': What's wrong? :'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" <hr width="50%"/> :''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) :'''Crow''': You can say that ag- <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars. :'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. :'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar. :'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon! :'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred? :'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one! :'''Critter''': Fifty? :''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]'' :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]'' :'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back! :... :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now? :... :'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money. :'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples! : . . . :''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]! : . . . :''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]'' :'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share. :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge? :'''Buz''': Cash. :''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]'' :'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''! :'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man. : . . . :''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. :'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? :''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]'' :'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]'' :'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]'' :'''Mike''': Boy?! : . . . :'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! : . . . :'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! : . . . :''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]'' :'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. :''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]'' :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! : . . . :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy! :'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. : . . . :''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! :'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? : . . . :'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]]. :'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill. : . . . :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''! === Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders === :'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]'' :'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh! :'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]'' :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]'' :'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]'' :'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]'' :'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss? :'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! :'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex? <hr width="50%"/> :''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]! :'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]'' :'''David''': God help me! :'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can. : . . . :'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! :'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]'' :'''Merlin''': Heed my words.... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]'' :'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being! :'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]? :'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]'' :'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]'' :'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much. === Future War === :''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. :''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]'' :'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus! :''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]'' :'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume. :''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? :''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]'' :'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? : . . . :''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]'' :'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in! :'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty :'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards. <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]'' :'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was? :'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. :'''Mike''': Fred Burrows? :'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ... :''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]'' :'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]'' :'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE! :'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]] :'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!'' :'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]'' :'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]'' :'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Huh??'' :'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed... :'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. === Blood Waters of Dr. Z === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]'' :'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]'' :'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit? :'''Mike''': Hmmm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha! :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. :'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. :'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. :'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name. :'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... :. . . :'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking? :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No! :'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... :'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... :'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough. === Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]'' :'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]'' :'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]'' :'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. :'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]'' :'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]'' :'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim is walking around shirtless]'' :'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]'' :'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]'' :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read? :'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]'' :'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]]. :. . . :'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim? :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]'' :'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you! :'''Doc''': My left or my right? :'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]'' :'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. === Track of the Moon Beast === :''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]'' :'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? :'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]]. :'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]'' :'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened? :'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]'' :'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. :'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics! :'''Kathy''': Your place? :'''Paul''': Yeah, my place. :'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor." :'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then. :''[Thunder rumbles.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul rises after fainting.]'' :'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out. :'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']'' :'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! :'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there. : . . . :''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]'' :'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]'' :'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! :'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]'' :'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]'' :'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul— :'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]! :'''Mike''': Oh, come on. === Final Justice === :'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]'' :'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what? :'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe? : . . . :'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something! : . . . :'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said! : . . . :'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! : . . . :''[Much, much later in the movie...]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent. :'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop! :'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****. :'''Mike''': ...oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]'' :'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. :'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] :'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]? :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! : . . . :''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]'' :'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival? :'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]! :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]'' :'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Servo''': ''Or he'll steal your lunch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better hi-i-ide'' :'''Crow''': ''...your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Mike''': ''Cause he's got the runs!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''Cause he won't stop till he gets his man'' :'''Crow''': ''Or your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah! :'''Servo''': Woo! :'''Crow''': Lay it! :. . . :'''Bill Scott''': ''They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...'' :'''Crow''': ''Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''That may be true'' :'''Servo''': ''But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide!'' Woo! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Pass the gravy now! :'''Mike''': You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. :'''Crow''': Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. :'''Mike''': I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – :'''Servo''': ''MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!'' :'''Crow''': All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. :'''Mike''': Oh, come on now. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!'' :'''Mike''': Oh, now you guys prepared that. :'''Crow''': Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!'' :'''Crow''': ''Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!'' :'''Servo''': ''He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!'' :'''Mike [leaves]''': Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. :'''Crow''': Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! :'''Servo''': Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? :'''Crow''': Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! :'''Servo''': Aw, somebody give me a napkin! === Hamlet === :''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]'' :'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The members of court are performing a dance.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. : . . . :''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]'' :'''Ophelia''': My prince… :'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]]. : . . . :'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha! :'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Claudius''': I like him not... :'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be... :'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]" :'''Hamlet''': That is the question. :'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. :'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... :'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! :'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? :'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. :'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep. :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. :'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... :'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now. :'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. :'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, you... :'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep. :'''Servo''': To SLEEP! :'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut. :'''Hamlet''': To sleep... :'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP'' :'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM? :'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM? :'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub. :'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? :'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. :'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear... :'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- :'''Servo''': SUM UP! :'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of? : . . . :'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']'' :'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! :'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]'' :'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]'' :'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health. :'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]'' :'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]'' :'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". === It Lives by Night === :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]'' :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]'' :'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you. : . . . :'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck... :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]'' :'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]'' :'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... :''[Pause]'' :'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.'' :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH! :''[They rush out of the theater]'' :'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! :'''Servo''': No, me first! :'''Mike''': Urgh! === Horrors of Spider Island === :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]'' :'''Servo''': Lucky sign! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]'' :'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you? :'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]'' :'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]'' :'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! : . . . :''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]'' :'''Georgia''': Gary! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me! :'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]'' :'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]'' :'''Crow''': He saw an air molecule that respects women. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]'' :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]'' :'''Mike''': ...Hey! :''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]'' :'''Servo''': So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! === Squirm === ==== A Case of Spring Fever (short) ==== [the title is shown] :'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays??? :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]'' :'''Coily''': Hey! The door! :'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]'' :'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. :'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO! :'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! :. . . :''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]'' :'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad... :'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! : . . . :'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]'' :'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh? : . . . :'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]'' :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]'' :'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! : . . . :'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another— :'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! :''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die! <hr width="50%"/> :''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place! ==== Squirm (movie) ==== :''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay. :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]'' :'''Crow''': Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]'' :'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face! :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]'' :'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. :'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt. :'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm... :'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]'' :'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. :'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]'' :'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. :'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]'' :'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]'' :'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie is ending]'' :'''Servo''': Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. :'''Mike''': And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. :'''Crow''': And if you have red hair, do not mate. === Danger: Diabolik! === :''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. :'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan! :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs! :'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''? :'''Crow''': Poor Mike... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]'' :'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. :. . . :'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal. :. . . :'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]! :. . . :'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. :. . . :'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. :. . . :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. :. . . :'''Crow''': Got greed? :'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]'' :'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]! :'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming? :'''Crow''': I beg your pardon? :''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]]. :'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]'' :'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Look, Nelson. Move on. I am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run.]'' :'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story. :'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. :'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]] :'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}} == Season 11: The Return == === Reptilicus === :'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! <hr width="50%"> :''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]'' :'''Miner''': Bones? :'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]! :'''Miner''': Fossil bones. :'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! :'''Jonah''': Okay, out. :'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare! :'''Jonah''': Out! :'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon... <hr width="50%"> :'''Gypsy''': Now you're ''Mister'' Filing Cabinet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. <hr width="50%"> :''[as the scenes cut rapidly]'' :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees! :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees! :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and [[w:Bruce Almighty|sometimes Morgan Freeman]]! ===Cry Wilderness=== :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Crow''': Well, if you insist. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': '''WILDERNESS!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Douglas''': You're too old to believe in fairy tales! :'''Gyspy''': He is? What a terrible way to find out. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... ''a person!'' <hr width=50%> :''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]'' :'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?! :'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! :. . . :'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. :'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. :''[Paul's father begins to laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]'' :'''Servo''': Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. :'''Jim''': It's old Big Mike! :'''Crow [as Will]''': Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. :'''Jonah [as Morgan]''': What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. :'''Crow''': ''Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love''. :'''Servo [as Paul]''': Maybe I'll laugh later. :''[Will begins laughing]'' :'''Crow''': I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their ''Seinfeld''. :'''Servo''': ''[Paul begins laughing]'' It's funny! :'''Crow''': Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for ''Two and A Half Men''? <hr width=50%> :'''Morgan''': Let's keep this a secret between you and me. :'''Crow''': Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. <hr width=50%> :''[after a random tiger exits the cave]'' :'''Crow [as the tiger]''': I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[grabbing Paul]'' Do I have to tie you up?! :'''Paul''': You're nothing but a dumb Indian! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''WHOA!'' <hr width=50%> :''[As the credits roll]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. === The Time Travelers === :'''Crow''': I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. <hr width=50%> :'''Gypsy''': Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! <hr width=50%> :''[shot of a table of android eyeballs]'' :'''Crow''': Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? :'''Jonah''': "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? :'''Servo''': I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". :'''Crow''': Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! <hr width=50%/> :'''Danny''': ''[holding a tray of android eyeballs]'' Holy McKee! I thought I was giving ''her'' the eye! :'''Jonah''': ''[sigh]'' You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. :'''Servo''': Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Danny and Reena kiss]'' :'''Servo''': Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! :'''Crow''': Hah! :'''Jonah''': Hey... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]'' :'''Servo''': Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! :'''Crow''': Hobo bedding... of the future! :'''Jonah''': The insides of scarecrows... of the future! :'''Servo''': Practical dynamite storage... of the future! :'''Crow''': Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! :'''Jonah''': Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of ''Jerry Maguire''... also of the future! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': You are pronouncing our death sentence. :'''Servo [as Steve]''': You dickweed! :'''Willard''': I don't enjoy doing it. :'''Steve''': You resented us from the beginning! :'''Willard''': I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... :'''Crow''': Line! :'''Willard''': We must consider the greater good! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Hot Fuzz|The greater good...]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as the movie abruptly ends]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, the universe lost reception! :''[a message from the producer appears onscreen]'' :'''Jonah''': The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. :'''Servo''': I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga Forrester''': Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. :'''Max''': If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling ''Song of the South'' off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! :''[the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter]'' :'''Kinga Forrester''': No no no, hey! ''[slaps the lighter from his hand]'' We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... ''[sighs]'' Happy 200th, Max. :'''Max''': ...Yeah, okay. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Push the 200th button, Max. ===Avalanche=== :'''Onscreen Text''': New World Pictures presents... :'''Jonah''': The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and they're so open about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': It's terrific to see you. :'''Crow [as David]''': Even in that color palette. :'''David''': The two of you together... :'''Jonah''': And I'm not forgetting [[w:Steve Franken|you]], [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|Danny from the last movie]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': My snowball predicted all of this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]'' :'''Servo''': Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. :''[she surfaces]'' :'''Caroline''': Oh, hi there. :'''Jonah''': Oh, she's in a heated pool. :'''Crow''': Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. :'''Servo''': Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': You know what this movie is missing? :'''Crow''': Name tags. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]'' :'''Servo''': Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? :'''Crow''': I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like ''Sharknado'' or ''Lavalantula''. :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, we give you ''Plane-alanche''! :'''Jonah''': I didn't know snow was so combustible. :'''Servo''': It's not, but styrofoam is. :'''Crow''': Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. :'''Jonah''': I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. :'''Servo''': This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]'' :'''Crow''': That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! :''[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]'' :'''Jonah''': They should change the name of this movie from ''Avalanche'' to just ''General Catastrophe''. :'''Servo''': Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? :'''Crow''': What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? <hr width=50%/> :''[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, it's commercial sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]'' :'''Jonah''': Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. :'''Gypsy''': Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. :''[the ambulance explodes]'' :'''Crow''': Yup. There she goes. :'''Servo''': Even the fire smells like gin. ===The Beast of Hollow Mountain=== :'''Jonah''': Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. :'''Crow''': Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. :''[Pancho stumbles outside]'' :'''Jonah [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' Kick ''me'' out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! :'''Crow [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! :'''Pancho''': ''[drunk]'' You're not mad at me, are you? :'''Servo [as Panchito]''': Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don]'' :'''Don Pedro''': The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. :'''Jimmy Ryan''': I know, I've been there. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Girlfriend. :'''Don Pedro''': Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. :'''Enrique''': ''[in a heavy American Accent]'' Speaking of disappearing... :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': Has anyone seen my accent? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jimmy fights with Enrique]'' :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': For the last time! ''[synchronizes with each punch]'' [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]]! Isn't! That! Bad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Enrique''': What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! :'''Sarita''': If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! :'''Enrique''': But they did see! :'''Sarita''': What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! :'''Jonah''': Ooh... :'''Enrique''': It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... :'''Servo [as Enrique]''': Haggis. Ugh. :'''Enrique''': Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': He is another, stupider man. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Wow, Machu Picchu! :'''Servo''': Machu Picchu is in Peru. :'''Crow''': Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? :''[Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back]'' :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Would you just-?! Ohh! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery]'' Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! :'''Servo''': You can't, we tried that. :'''Crow''': Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. <hr width=50%> :'''Panchito''': Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! :'''Jonah, Crow, and Servo''': Second act twist! <hr width=50%> :'''Kinga''': ''[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film]'' Uh, is this that [[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton show]] everyone's talking about? :'''Max''': It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. :'''Jonah''': ''[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely]'' Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! :'''Kinga''': ''[begging]'' Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! :'''Max''': What have we done to offend thee?! :'''Jonah''': Answer me! You guys are scaring me! :'''Max''': Who must we kill to slake thy anger? :'''Jonah''': ''[growing more uneasy]'' Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! :'''Kinga''': ''[sobbing in horror]'' Make it stop!! :'''Jonah''': ''[as 'Movie Sign' blares]'' Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! :''[back in the theater]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[to Servo]'' What was all that about? :'''Servo''': That wasn't us. <hr width=50%> :''[when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears]'' :'''Crow''': I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. :'''Servo''': You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? :'''Crow''': No, I was not. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. :'''Servo''': What do you call it? :'''Jonah''': I don't know. "Pancho"? :'''Crow''': And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme]'' But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. :'''Crow''': Meta! === Starcrash === :'''Woman on PA System''': Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. :'''Gypsy [as the Woman]''': Your Hot Pocket is ready. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': ''[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars]'' Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': You can drop the rifle ray. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': My name's not Ray, it's Stella! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ship goes into hyperspace]'' :'''Crow''': Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? <hr width=50%/> :'''Atkon''': It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. :'''Stella''': I've never been there. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. :'''Stella''': What's it like? :'''Atkon''': Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Oh, it's like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Like Delaware! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': Say goodbye! ''[fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality]'' What??? :'''Jonah [as Akton]''': Your crappy effects are powerless against me. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen]'' :'''Jonah''': Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! :''[Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off ''[[w:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''. :... :'''Servo [as Akton]''': Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. :'''Akton''': There's no need to continue. :'''Crow''': Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! ===The Land That Time Forgot=== :''[as someone throws a canister into the sea]'' :'''Crow''': It's a can of spring snakes. :'''Servo''': That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. :'''Crow''': Or gives them a heart attack. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowen Voiceover''': I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. :'''Jonah [as Bowen]''': So never mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Friedrich''': Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. :'''Servo''': He said "area". :'''Friedrich''': And we should rendezvous within the hour. :'''Crow [as Friedrich]''': Or the pizza's free. :'''Friedrich''': And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? :'''Jonah''': Nope. :'''Crow''': Someday the whole show will be like this. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur]'' :'''Servo''': So that creature's probably endangered, right? :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! <hr width=50%/> :''[while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol]'' :'''Crow''': Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[while the expedition journeys through the jungle]'' :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, stop! :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! <hr width=50%/> :''[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]'' :'''Jonah''': If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. ===The Loves of Hercules=== :'''Jonah''': ''[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log]'' Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. :''[Hercules struggles to gain balance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! ''[grunt]'' Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]'' :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hercules''': Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. :'''Crow''': Stalker alert. <hr width=50%/> :'''Achilles''' Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. :''[Hercules looks stunned]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': What? :'''Jonah''': Download complete. :''[Hercules looks stunned again]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': But then you- :'''Jonah''': Download complete. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules fights Achilles]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': Now bow down to my tiny nipple. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]'' :'''Crow [as the director]''': Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the ''Jurassic Park'' ride at Universal Studios. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. ===Yongary: Monster from the Deep=== :''[as the film opens with a couple newlyweds]'' :'''Servo''': Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane]'' :'''Crow''': The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! :'''Servo''': This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': I think I know what's going on. Come on out. :'''Groom''': Who are you talking to? :'''Ilo''': Come on out of there, Icho! :'''Gypsy''': Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. :'''Jonah''': Okay, Gypsy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Groom''': ''[when the bride wakes him up]'' Huh. I must have dozed. :'''Servo''': This is all part of his elaborate love play. :'''Groom''': Boy, I’m really tired tonight. :'''Bride''': You can sleep afterward. :'''Crow''': After what, Jonah? :'''Jonah''': D- Don’t worry about it. :'''Crow''': Okay. :'''Groom''': You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? :'''Servo [as the Groom]''': That’s not what I’m into. :'''Bride''': I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. :'''Groom''': No. :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Yes.. :'''Groom''': That happens whenever I get married. :'''Servo''': “Whenever???” :... :'''Groom''': Hey, sweetheart... :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[looking on a model center in the film]'' This must be [[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station’s]] military industrial complex. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a buzzer begins to sound in the film]'' :'''Jonah''': We got movie sign! :''[Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, that was... :'''Crow''': Whoops, that was embarrassing! :'''Jonah''': Yeah, sorry about that. <hr width=50%/> :''[during an earthquake]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! ''[freaking out]'' Gypsy, initiate panic mode! :''[Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[dropping down]'' Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! <hr width=50%/> :''[an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's just North Korea. [[w:Nuclear weapons testing|They do that]]... a lot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo's Mother''': Please don't go, Ilo. :'''Ilo''': Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. :'''Icho''': I'll go too. :'''Jonah [as Icho]''': Death and destruction are my jam. ''Whee!'' :'''Suna & Ilo's Mother''': Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! :'''Crow [as Icho]''': You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! <hr width=50%/> :''[at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head]'' :'''Servo [as Praying Teen]''': Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. :'''Jonah''': I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? :'''Soldier''': You got here a bit too late. :'''Crow [as Soldier]''': He's dead. Movie's over. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Servo [as Soldier]''': We're just waiting for the shockwave. :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah''': Sergeant Loose Lips right here. :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Servo [as Ilo]''': Um, we're not going. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Crow''': Did they hit a glitch in [[w:The Matrix|the Matrix]]? :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah [as Soldier]''': Go. I'm out of dialogue! :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Suna''': Missiles? Really? :'''Servo''': ''Yeah! Any minute!'' ===Wizards of the Lost Kingdom=== :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Jonah''': How do you lose a whole kingdom? :'''Crow''': Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? <hr width=50%/> :''[when it's revealed that James Horner composed the film's score]'' :'''Jonah''': James Horner?! :'''Crow''': Ah, yes. ''[[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]'', ''[[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'', ''[[w:Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', and this movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, when [[w:James Cameron|Cameron]] was scoring ''[[w:Titanic (1997 Film)|Titanic]]'', he said, "I want that ''Wizards of the Lost Kingdom'' sound." <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water]'' :'''Crow''': It's streaming video. Get it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax]'' This is where Kor's theme song comes in. ''[starts singing]'' ''They call me Kor the Conquerer'' ''I thought I could conquer anything'' ''But ever since I met that boy'' ''I've found out I'm not worth a thing'' ''That's just par for the Kor'' ''That's just par'' ''They call me Kor!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in Erich Shurka was watching him in an explosion]'' :'''Jonah''': Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! :'''Shurka''': Damn him! ''[continues angrily screaming]'' :'''Jonah''': See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. :'''Crow''': Oh wow! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': What is it? :'''Kor''': Riders, coming this way! :'''Jonah''': Writers? They'll fix the script! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon resurrects the dead]'' :'''Jonah [as Simon]''': I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! <hr width=50%/> :''[Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura]'' :'''Shurka''': You have spirit. :'''Jonah [as Shurka]''': Yes you do. :'''Shurka''': I like that. :'''Jonah [as Shurka]''': How about you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hurla''': Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. :'''Crow''': That's not a plan. :'''Simon''': But I can't. :'''Hurla''': Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. :'''Servo [as Hurla]''': And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]]''': I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! :'''Servo [as Statler]''': Why's that? :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': Because I want to kill myself! :''[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]'' :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': I'm depressed... <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as the [[w:Tales from the Crypt (comics)|Crypt-Keeper]]]''': Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just ''dying'' to get in here. ''[evil laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Watch out for the stalag-''fright''! ''[cackles]'' :'''Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]''': Be careful so you don't go ''batty''! ''[wicked laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Here, let me give you a... ''hand''! :'''Jonah''': Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. :'''Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Oooh! A crematorium! ''[wicked laughing]'' :''[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]'' :'''Crow''': Oof! :'''Servo''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]'' :'''Crow''': This is where the runoff goes from Wonka's Chocolate Factory. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]'' :'''Servo''': So how come wizards have such terrible aim? :'''Jonah''': Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. :'''Crow''': Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. :'''Servo''': Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as the credits begin rolling]'' Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. :'''Servo''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. :'''Crow''': Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. :'''Servo''': Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. :'''Crow''': Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. :'''Jonah''': I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? :'''Servo''': Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. :'''Crow''': Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. :'''Servo''': Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. :'''Crow''': And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. :'''Jonah''': You guys are making me feel sick. :'''Servo''': It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. ===Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II=== :'''Caedmon''': I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. :'''Jonah''': Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]'' :'''Tyor''': She's beautiful, master! So delicate! :''[she punches one of the patrons]'' :'''Crow [as Tyor]''': She's her own bouncer! :'''Tyor''': So strong! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor. :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor! :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Jonah [as Caedmon]''': ''Time to go, Tyor!!!'' :'''Tyor''': Isn't the arts part of my education? :'''Caedmon''': Absolutely not! :'''Servo [as Caedmon]''': The state cut arts funding! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. :''[Loki laughs]'' :'''Servo''': Robert Blake in ''Lost Highway''. :'''Tyor''': By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! :'''Jonah''': He's making all this up as he goes along. :'''Tyor''': Oomen, kauai, tenk! :'''Servo [as Loki]''': Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of ''Caroline in the City''. :''[Loki is turned to stone]'' :'''Jonah''': Alright, take him to Jabba. :'''Tyor''': Now his garden is complete. :'''Crow''': [[w: Won't Get Fooled Again|YEEEAAAH!!!]] ''CSI: Miami''! <hr width=50%/> :''[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': Prepare for my overhand! ''[attack is blocked]'' :'''Crow [as thief]''': Or how about my overhand! ''[attack is blocked again]'' :'''Jonah [as thief]''': No? Well try my OVERHAND! ''[blocked again]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle- ''[bandit uses the same attack again]'' PSYCH! Overhand! ''[blocked again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Donar''': ''[capturing Freyja]'' Who gave him the sword? :'''Jonah [as Donar]''': And where's your hall pass? :'''Donar''': You die with the dawn. :'''Freyja''': He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! :'''Crow''': We all do, trust us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': ''[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja]'' If I take you with me, what do I get? :'''Freyja''': ''[seductively]'' Anything. :'''Servo [as Tyor]''': Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? :'''Tyor''': That's what I was afraid of. :''[music cue]'' :'''Jonah [as Tyor]''': The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. ===Carnival Magic=== :''[as the title card partially appears]'' :'''Servo''': Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! :'''Crow''': Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. :''[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]'' :'''Servo''': ''Carnival Man''. :'''Jonah''': ''Carnival Magnum, P.I.'' :'''Servo''': Off the O. Henry story. :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Carnival Magi''- oh, ''Carnival Magic'', I knew it the whole time, guys. <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': He's got Kirk. :'''Bud''': Kirk is not the answer anymore. :'''Servo''': Picard? <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': Alex, when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. :'''Jonah''': What stage of grief is chimp-play? <hr width=50%/> :''[during a random car chase]'' :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Breaker, breaker, we got a ''Carnival Magic'' in progress. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Uh, ''Carnival Magic''? What's that? :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it]], thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Yeah, exactly. ''Carnival Magic.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Livingston''': It's as if he's willing himself to die. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': We'll have what he's having! <hr width=50%/> :''[as onscreen text announces a potential sequel]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''More Carnival Magic''? No! :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of ''Carnival Magic'' sequels, though when ''More Carnival Magic'' finally came out, it was titled ''[[w:2 Fast 2 Furious|2 Magic 2 Carnival]]''. :'''Crow''': Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, ''Carnival Magic 3: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|Return of the Girl in the Car]]''. :'''Servo''': Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the [[w:Star Wars #Prequel Trilogy|prequels]]. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. :'''Crow''': And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. :'''Servo''': They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, the whole ''[[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe]]''. At that point, the whole ''Carnival Magic'' movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the ''Carnival Magic'' toy lines. :'''Servo''': But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with ''[[w:Batman Begins|Carnival Magic Begins]]'' and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. :'''Jonah''': I had no idea there were so many of these movies. :'''Servo''': Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? :'''Crow''': And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. :'''Servo''': True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." :'''Crow''': "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." :'''Jonah''': Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. :'''Servo''': Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. :'''Crow''': They tried a couple of disaster movies- ''Tornado'', and ''The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out''. :'''Servo''': And of course the romantic comedies ''Van Rockers'', and ''Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat''. :'''Crow''': I kind of liked the action movies he did. ''Maximum Towage''. :'''Servo''': Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic ''Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension''. :'''Jonah''': Guys, were any of these movies real? :'''Servo''': Of course not, Jonah! :'''Crow''': I don't even think ''Carnival Magic'' was real, and we just watched it! :'''Jonah''': That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? === The Christmas That Almost Wasn't === :'''Max''': Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! :'''Kinga''': No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]'' :'''Servo''': Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? :'''Crow [as Sam]''': Yeah, what's his ''dill''? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]'' :'''Sam''': Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. :'''Servo''': A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! :'''Servo''': The T stands for "the"? :'''Sam''': That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! :'''Crow''': ''[dramatic gasp]'' :'''Prune''': I object! :'''Sam''': Objection overruled! :'''Crow''': Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Prune spies on Sam]'' :'''Jonah''': Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Suzy's Mother''': But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! :'''Jonah''': What's next, cherry phosphates? Women driving cars? A Catholic in the White House??? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]'' :'''Prune''': Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Jonah [as Prune]''': Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! :'''Prune''': Why? Why? ''[a passerby walks by]'' Merry Christmas! :'''Passerby''': Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! :''[another passerby walks by]'' :'''Prune''': Merry Christmas! :'''Servo [as Passerby]''': I think you mean "Happy Holidays". <hr width=50%/> :'''Prune''': ''[singing]'' Why can't every day be Christmas? :'''Jonah [as the other person] ''': I don't know! :'''Prune''': Why can't every day be gay? :'''Crow''': That's a loaded question. === At the Earth's Core === :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing a stream locomotive]'' I wonder if [[w:Shining Time Station|the conductor]] is [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]] or [[w:George Carlin|George Carlin]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]'' :'''Dr. Abner Perry''': What an extraordinary sky! :'''David Innes''': What a strange color, Doc. :'''Dr. Abner''': This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. :'''Jonah''': I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] '' :'''Servo''': We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Abner''': ''[about a Rhamphorhynchus]'' My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! :'''Crow''': ''[offended]'' Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. :''[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava. == Season 12: The Gauntlet == === Mac and Me === :''[as security surrounds the building]'' :'''Servo''': Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle]'' :'''Crow''': So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :''[as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert]'' :'''Jonah''': The [[w:Blue Man Group|Blue Man Group]] as you've never seen them before; brown! :'''Servo [as one of the aliens]''': ''[coughing]'' No, go on and do the movie without me, please... :'''Crow''': They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! :'''Jonah''': This is like if humanity had evolved from ''Pinky and the Brain''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': Hey, how's it going? :'''Debbie''': ''[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel]'' Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': They say this is very insensitive. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric investigates the running shower]'' :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! :''[Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing]'' :'''Jonah''': Somebody killed Janet Leigh! :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from ''[[w:Howard the Duck (film)|Howard the Duck]]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Raven|Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?]] :''[Eric opens the door and no one is there]'' :'''Jonah''': [[Edgar Allen Poe|Huh, darkness there. And nothing more.]] :'''Crow''': Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff]'' :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Now ''this'' is podracing! :'''Debbie''': Eric! :'''Servo''': Chickabee! Tay in the wind! :''[Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off]'' :'''Jonah [as Eric]''': Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! :''[Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below]'' :'''Crow''': You know, they went through three Eric's making this. :''[Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food- :'''Jonah''': Yeah no, it's from ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home- :'''Jonah''': You're thinking of ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': No, but then the alien helps the kid fly- :'''Jonah''': ''E.T.''!!! :'''Crow''': Let me finish! - during a summer camp boxing match. :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''[[w:Meatballs Part II|Meatballs II]]''. :'''Crow''': Now ''that's'' it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as an agent] ''': Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': ''[wearing sunglasses]'' Eric! :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? :'''Mike''': Get ready! :''[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac is riding piggyback on Mike]'' :'''Crow''': ''[imitating Yoda]'' Luke, 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with [[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|your character arc]] will be. Hmm, yes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Now this is what ''E.T.'' was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that- ''[the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight]'' Whoa, okay. Tha- I mean like- oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! :'''Servo''': What? ''[the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]'' :'''Jonah''': NOOO!!! :'''Crow''': What the hell??? :'''Servo''': Holy gizmos! :'''Jonah''': ''[freaking out]'' NO, WHAT THE F- COME ON!!! This didn't happen in ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': I love the smell of napalm in the morning! :'''Jonah''': ''[stressed]'' It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': He looks like Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': That's neither the church ''nor'' the steeple. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac blows a bubblegum bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. :''[Eric pops the bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Ahh! I need that to live! <hr width=50%/> :''[A garbage can rattles]'' :'''Crow''': Remember: When you throw away your Tickle-Me Elmo, you've ''got'' to remove the batteries. === Atlantic Rim === :'''Crow''' Atlantic Rim? Could you be more [[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''General Hadley''': Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? :'''Gypsy''': [[w:The Sixth Sense|Bruce Willis was dead the whole time]], sir. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': Damn, what time is it? :'''Crow''': Time is a social construct, SIR! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Adams''': Who would take down an oil rig? :'''Crow''': [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? :'''Crow''': ''[as Stone]'' Uh, ''[[w:Lincoln in the Bardo|Lincoln in the Bardo]]''. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Admiral Hadley]'' ''Cash on Cash'' by [[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]. :'''Servo''': ''[as Dr. Margaret Adams]'' [[w:Danielle Steel|Danielle Steel]]. :'''Crow''': ''[as Lt. Wexler]'' I'm into podcasts. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red it's being put in the brig]'' :'''Red''': Easy! :'''Crow''': Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! :'''Servo [as Red]''': Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- ''[door is locked]'' Aww man... :'''Red''': Yo, there's people dying! :'''Jonah [as Red]''': And it's actually Beren''stain'' Bears! ''Not Bernstein!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a scene with two bomber pilots]'' :'''Jonah''': I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? :'''Servo''': [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]]??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as Geise]''': He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. :'''Geise''': It's me. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Ya boy. :'''Geise''': We're not getting no play here. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': It's a total sausage fest. :'''Geise''': The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': He's already misplaced Orlando. :'''Geise''': I think it's time we implement... :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Pause for effect. :'''Geise''': ... the Trojan Horse. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Bum, bum, bum! :'''Geise''': Yes sir. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the bots attack the monster]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. :'''Servo''': We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah :''[At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, hell no! :'''Jonah''': Kill that monster! ''[in chorus with Servo and Crow]'' USA! USA! USA! === Lords of the Deep === :'''Stanley''': You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. :'''Crow''': Just ask [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off]'' :'''Crow''': That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit]'' Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! <hr width=50%/> :''[a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[imitating John Lennon]'' Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. <hr width=50%/> :''[about a shot behind a grate]'' :'''Servo''': You know, Jonah, this shot is not ''grate''. :'''Jonah''': Thanks, Tom. I know you're just ''venting''. You wanna try one, Crow? :'''Crow''': No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. :'''Jonah''': I hear ya. :... :''[later, on a shot of a sink]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I got it! Let that ''sink'' in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, she's looking right at us! :'''Crow''': Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! :'''Servo''': And look at how she's behaving, like ''we're'' the jerks. :'''Jonah''': Yeah! :''[she begins to back away]'' :'''Servo''': No, you back off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': More like Amelia ''Water''heart! Get it? I'm puntastic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chadwick''': It's like if you... blew 'em apart... :'''Crow''': You know, like, ba-boom? :'''Chadwick''': All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... :''[Chadwick locks his fingers together]'' :'''Jonah''': Here's the church, here's the steeple... :'''Chadwick''' ''[Locking his fingers together tighter]'': And form one being. :'''Jonah''' Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. === The Day Time Ended === :'''Jenny''': ''[suddenly appearing in the shot]'' Bye Daddy! :'''Jonah [as Richard]''': Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? :'''Richard''': You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? :'''Jenny''': I will, Daddy. :'''Richard''': Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Crow''': Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': ''[coming downstairs]'' Hey, Dad. :'''Servo, Jonah, and Crow''': [[w:Cheers|Norm]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Richard''': ''[on the phone]'' Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? :'''Jonah''': A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. :'''Richard''' Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': No no- what toppings do you need on the- ''[Richard hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Grant''': What is it? :'''Ana''': The mirror. :'''Grant''': Well, what about it? :'''Ana''': It was broken. :'''Crow [as Grant]''': Damn bikers must have fixed it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom]'' :'''Crow''': Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as Ana]''': ''[as the alien reveals itself to Ana]'' Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement]'' :'''Jonah [as Grant]''': Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom]'' :'''Jonah''' [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, ''howdy-ho!'' === Killer Fish === === Ator === :'''Indun''': You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. :'''Jonah''': I stepped in ''something''. == Season 13 == === Santo in the Treasure of Dracula === === Robot Wars === === Beyond Atlantis === === Munchie === === Dr. Mordrid === === Demon Squad === === Gamera vs. Jiger === === The Batwoman === === The Million Eyes of Sumuru === === HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come === === The Mask 3D === === The Bubble === === The Christmas Dragon === == Specials == === Turkey Day '91 === === Turkey Day '92 === === Turkey Day '95 === === MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special === :''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]'' :'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! :''[cut back to Servo & Crow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!''''' === MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === '''Crow''': Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. ==== The Fifth Element ==== :'''Crow''': ''[not understanding]'' Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about [[w:Boron|boron]]? :'''Tom''': Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart ''[[w:Periodic table|periodically]]''! He he! ==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ==== :'''Mike''': So what's the story in this movie? :'''Crow''': Mike, the real story is the signature [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. :'''Tom''': ''[Excited]'' Oh I know I will! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! === MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === ==== X-Files: Fight the Future ==== :''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]! :'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents! :'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? :'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. ==== Ever After ==== :'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]! : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]]. : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]'' :'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine. ==== Halloween: H2O ==== :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. ==== The Truman Show ==== :''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]'' :'''Truman''': Would you wanna— :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No. :'''Truman''': Maybe possibly— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Sometime— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''! :'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't. :'''Truman''': Saturday? :'''Lauren''': I can't. :'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? :''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent. ==== Saving Private Ryan ==== :'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. :'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training? :'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant. ==== Godzilla (1998) ==== :'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? :''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]'' :'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''." === MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special === ==== As Good As It Gets ==== :''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]'' :'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]'' :'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"? ==== Good Will Hunting ==== :'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! :'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! === Assignment: Venezuela (short) === ::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.'' :''[On title screen]'' :'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]'' :'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— :''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal. : . . . :''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]'' :'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! :'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]'' :'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. :'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. :'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water. :. . . :''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]'' :'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]'' :'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]'' :'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called ''[[w:Vietnam War#Vietnamization, 1969–1972|Venezuelalization]].'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something. == Major cast == * [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] — [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989–1993)/Joel Hodgson (1988) * [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] — [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988–1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988) * [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988–1996) * [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] — Tom Servo (1990–1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997–1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988) * [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] — Gypsy (1989–1997) * [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] — [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990–1995) * [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] — [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993–1999) * [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] — [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1996–1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992–1996) * [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] — Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997–1999) * [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] — Gypsy (1997–1999) * [[w:Jonah Ray|Jonah Ray]] — [[w:Jonah Heston|Jonah Heston]] (2017–2018) * [[w:Baron Vaughn|Baron Vaughn]] — Tom Servo (2017–2018) * [[w:Hampton Yount|Hampton Yount]] — Crow T. Robot (2017–2018) * [[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] — Kinga Forrester (2017–2018) * [[Patton Oswalt]] — Max, TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (2017–2018) * Rebecca Hanson – Gypsy/Synthia Forrester (2017–2018) == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}} * {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}} * {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}} * [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site * [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Comedy Central shows]] [[Category:Syfy shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about children]] [[Category:TV shows about teenagers]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] 35oj389wi0v68f6oxgu8hu8kwvmev5l 0 4714 3155635 3151994 2022-08-17T21:00:08Z 162.197.99.132 /* Syndrome (Buddy Pine / IncrediBoy) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:The Incredibles logo.svg|thumb|Save the day.]] '''''[[w:The Incredibles|The Incredibles]]''''' is a 2004 [[w:Academy Award|Academy Award]]-winning [[w:computer animation|computer animated]] feature film produced by [[w:Pixar Animation Studios|Pixar Animation Studios]] for [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]], centering around a family of [[w:superhero|superhero]]es. It was written and directed by [[Brad Bird]], previously best known for directing the 1999 animated film ''[[The Iron Giant]]''. ''The Incredibles'' was originally developed as a [[w:traditional animation|traditionally-animated movie]] for [[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros. Feature Animation]], Brad Bird moved to Pixar and took the story with him. == Bob Parr / Mr. Incredible == [[File:Incredibles - Disney Stars and Motor Cars Parade.jpg|thumb|No matter how many times you save the [[world]], it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to ''stay'' saved! You know?! For a little bit. I feel like the maid: "I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for, for 10 minutes?! Please?!"]] * Every superhero has a [[secret]] [[identity]]. I don't know a single one who doesn't. I mean, who wants the pressure of being super [[all]] the [[time]]? * No matter how many times you save the [[world]], it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to ''stay'' saved! You know?! For a little bit. I feel like the maid: "I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for, for 10 minutes?! Please?!" * Sometimes, I think I just like the [[simple]] life, you know, relax a little and raise a [[family]]. == Helen Parr / Elastigirl == * Of course I have a secret identity. ''[about her super-suit]'' Can you see me in this at the supermarket? Come on! Who'd wanna go shopping as Elastigirl? You know what I mean? * Brace yourselves! Everybody calm down! Now, I'll tell you what we're not gonna do. We're not gonna panic, we're not gonna die.... LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! == Lucius Best/Frozone == * Super-ladies, they're always trying to tell you their secret identity. ''[whispers]'' Think it'll strengthen the [[relationship]] or something like that. I say, "Girl, I don't wanna ''[[know]]'' about your mild-mannered alter ego or anything like that." I mean, you tell me you're, uh, super-mega-ultra-lightnin' babe? That's all right with me. I'm good. I'm good. * I don't see anyone from the old days, Bob. Just you. And we're pushing our [[luck]] as it is. * Where is my Super Suit?! == Dash Parr == * ''[After a huge explosion destroys the Parrs' house]'' Does this mean we have to move again? == Violet Parr == * I ''[[feel]]'' different. Is different okay? == Syndrome (Buddy Pine / IncrediBoy) == * I knew you couldn't do it, even when you've got nothing to lose. You're weak. And I've outgrown you. * ''[has just caught the entire Parr family]'' What have we here? Matching uniforms? ''[sees Helen]'' Oh, no. Elastigirl? You married Elastigirl?! ''[laughs, then looks at Violet and Dash]'' And got busy! It's a whole [[family]] of Supers! Looks like I've hit the jackpot! ''[laughs]'' This is just too good! * ''[freezes the Parr family as they barge into the house while holding a sleeping Jack-Jack; quietly]'' Shh. The baby is sleeping. ''[snickers sinisterly]'' You took away my future. I'm simply returning the favor. Don't worry, I'll be a good mentor. Supportive, encouraging. Everything you ''weren't.'' And in time, who knows, he might make a good sidekick. * ''[last words before his death]'' This isn't the end of it! I will get your son eventually! I'll get your son! ''[laughs and gasps as he sees Mr. Incredible hurling his car into the air]'' Oh, no. == Mirage == * The Supers aren't gone, Mr. Incredible. You're still here. You can still do great things. Or…you can listen to police scanners. Your choice. You have 24 hours to respond. Think about it. * ''[about Syndrome]'' He's attracted to [[power]]. So am I. It's a weakness we share. * Next time you gamble, bet your own life. == Edna Mode == * I never look back, darling. It distracts from the [[now]]! * '''''NO CAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' == Others == *'''Rusty''': That was totally wicked!! *'''Kari''': Because leading experts say, [[Mozart]] makes babies smarter. I wish my parents played Mozart when I was asleep because half the time I don't even know what the heck anyone's talking about! *'''The Underminer''': ''[last line]'' Behold: The Underminer! I am always beneath you, but [[nothing]] is beneath me! I hereby declare [[war]] against [[peace]] and [[happiness]]! Soon, all will tremble before me! == Dialogue == :''[Mr. Incredible is about to go to the scene of a tour bus robbery when Buddy enters the car]'' :'''Buddy''': Cool! Ready for take-off! :'''Mr. Incredible''': What the-- who are you? :'''Buddy''': Well, I'm IncrediBoy! :'''Mr. Incredible''': What? No. You're that kid from the fan club. Brophy-Br-Brody-Bu-Buddy! Buddy. :'''Buddy''': My name is IncrediBoy. :'''Mr. Incredible''': Look, I've been nice, I've stood for photos, signed every scrap of paper you pushed at me, but this? This isn't funny. :'''Buddy''': You don't have to worry about training me. I know all your moves, your crime-fighting style, favorite catch phrases, and everything! I am your number #1 fan! :''[Mr. Incredible ejects him from his car and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Incredible''': I work alone. :'''Elastigirl''': And I think you need to be more... ''[goes through rapid series of stretch-power maneuvers]'' flexible. :'''Mr. Incredible''': Uh, are you doing anything later? :'''Elastigirl''': I have a previous engagement. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Incredible confronts a French, mime-like, clown-like super villain named Bomb Voyage]'' :'''Mr. Incredible''': Bomb Voyage. :'''Voyage''': Monsieur Incroyable...! ''[Mr. Incredible...!]'' :'''Buddy''': ''[offscreen]'' And IncrediBoy! :''[he breaks through the window.]'' :'''Voyage''': IncrediBoy? :'''Buddy''': ''[flies up to Mr. Incredible using rocket boots]'' Hey! Hey! Aren't you curious on how I get around so fast? ''[shows Mr. Incredible his rocket boots]'' See? I have these rocket boots. And they-- :'''Mr. Incredible''': Go home, Buddy. :'''Buddy''': What? :'''Mr. Incredible''': Now. :'''Voyage''': Petit naïf libe...! ''[Little oaf...!]'' :''[Buddy looks at Voyage]'' :'''Buddy''': Can we talk? ''[pulls Mr. Incredible off to the side]'' You always, say, "Be true to yourself.", but you never say which part of yourself to be true ''to!'' Well, I've ''finally'' figured out who I am! ''[walks up to Mr. Incredible]'' I am your ward: IncrediBoy! :'''Mr. Incredible''': And now, you have officially gone too far, Buddy. ''[grabs Voyage before he can escape]'' :'''Buddy''': This is because I don't have powers, isn't it? Well, not every superhero has powers, y'know! You ''can'' be super without them! I invented these. ''[points to his rocket boots]'' I can fly! Can ''you'' fly? :'''Mr. Incredible''': Fly home, Buddy. I work alone. :'''Voyage''': Et ton costume est complètement ridicule! ''[And your outfit is totally ridiculous!]'' :'''Buddy''': Could you just gimme one chance? Look, I'll show you! I'll go get the police! :''[Voyage has attached a bomb to Buddy's cape; Mr. Incredible notices]'' :'''Mr. Incredible''': Buddy, don't! :'''Buddy''': It'll only take a second! Really! :'''Mr. Incredible''': No! Stop! ''[releases Voyage]'' There's a bomb! ''[grabs onto Buddy's cape]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Incredible''': ''[hands Buddy to the police]'' Take this one home. And make sure his mom knows what he's been doing. :'''Buddy''': I can help you! You're making a mistake! ''[arrested and shoved into the police car]'' Hey! :'''Mr. Incredible''': ''[to the cops]'' The injured jumper. You sent paramedics? :'''Cop''': Already picked him up. :'''Mr. Incredible''': The blast in that building was caused by Bomb Voyage, who I caught in the act of robbing the vault. Now we might be able to nab him if we set up a perimeter. :'''Cop''': You mean he got away? :'''Mr. Incredible''': Well, yeah. ''[gestures to Buddy in the car]'' Skippy here made sure of that. :'''Buddy''': IncrediBoy! :'''Mr. Incredible''': You're not affiliated with me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Huph''': Parr! You authorized payment on the Walker policy? :'''Bob''': Somebody broke into their house, Mr. Huph. Their policy clearly covers them against... :'''Mr. Huph''': I don't care about their coverage, Bob! Don't tell me about their coverage! Tell me how you're keeping Insuricare in the black! Tell me how that's possible with you writing checks to every Harry Hardluck and Sally Sobstory that gives you a phone call! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the cops burst into the jewelry store where Bob and Lucius are, Lucius reaches for a water cooler to replenish his freezing powers]'' :'''Cop''': Freeze! :'''Lucius''': I'm thirsty. :''[Lucius reaches for a cup of water]'' :'''Cop''': I said "freeze"! :'''Lucius''': I'm just getting a drink. ''[takes the cup and drinks]'' :'''Cop''': Okay, you had your drink! Now, I want you to have it, huh, Lucius?! :'''Lucius''': I know, I know. Freeze. ''[freezes the cop]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': But that's okay, because what's important is that Mommy and I are always a team. We're always united, against, uh, uh, the forces of, uh-- :'''Helen''': Pig-headed-ness? :'''Bob''': Uh, I was gonna say, "[[Evil]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Don't even think you avoided talking about your trip to the principal's office, young man. Your father and I are still going to discuss it. :'''Dash''': I'm not the only kid who's been sent to the office, you know. :'''Helen''': Other kids don't have superpowers. Now, it's perfectly [[normal]] to you to —- :'''Violet''': Normal? What do you know about "normal"?! What does anyone in this family know about "normal"?!?! :'''Helen''': Now, wait a minute, young lady!!!! :'''Violet''': We act normal, Mom! I wanna be normal!! The only one normal is Jack-Jack, and he's not even toilet-trained!!!! :'''Jack-Jack''': ''[giggles]'' :'''Dash''': Lucky. ''[Helen gives him an angry look]'' I mean, about being normal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Edna shows Helen the other suits she has created for the Parrs]'' :'''Edna''': I started with the baby. :'''Helen''': Started? :'''Edna''': Shh! Darling! Shh! I cut it a little roomy for the free movement. The fabric is comfortable for sensitive skin ''[flamethrowers throw fire at the suit without leaving burn marks]'', and it can also withstand a temperature of over 1,000 degrees! Completely bulletproof. ''[machine guns train on the suit and empty rounds into it without causing any damage]'' And machine-washable, darling. That's a new feature. :'''Helen''': What on earth do you think the baby will be doing?! :'''Edna''': Well, I'm sure I don't know, darling. Luck favors the prepared. I didn't know the baby's powers, so I covered the basics. :'''Helen''': Jack-Jack doesn't have ''any'' powers. :'''Edna''': No? He'll look fabulous anyway. ''[moves on to Dash's suit]'' Your boy's suit I designed to withstand enormous friction without heating up or wearing out. A useful feature. ''[moves on to Violet's]'' Your daughter's suit was tricky, but I finally created a sturdy material that will disappear completely as she does. ''[moves on to Helen's new suit]'' Your suit can stretch as far as you can, without injuring yourself ''[the suit gets stretched]'', and still retain its shape. Virtually indestructible. ''[two missiles fire at the suit, but the suit sustains no damage]'' Yet it breathes like Egyptian cotton. As an extra feature, each suit contains a homing device, giving you the precise global location of the wearer at the touch of a button. ''[hands Helen one showing the tracking location of one of the suits]'' Well, darling? What do you think? :'''Helen''': What do I think?! Bob is retired! ''I'm'' retired, our family is underground! You helped my husband resume secret hero-work behind my back?! :'''Edna''': Well, I assumed you knew, darling! Why would he keep secrets from you? :'''Helen''': He wouldn't. Didn't-- D-Doesn't. :'''Edna''': ''[sighs]'' Men at Robert's age are often unstable. Prone to weakness. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': There's plenty of leftovers you can reheat, make sure Dash does his homework, and both of you get to bed on time. I should be back tonight, late. You can be in charge that long, can't you? :'''Violet''': Yeah, but why am I in charge, again? :'''Helen''': Nothing. Just a little trouble with Daddy. :'''Violet''': You mean Dad's ''in'' trouble, or Dad ''is'' the trouble? :'''Helen''': I mean he's either in trouble, or he's going to be!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Helen? :'''Mirage''': Oh, hello. You must be Mrs. Incredible! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Violet''': ''[about to a supersuit that Dash grabbed from Helen]'' What makes you think it is special?! :'''Dash''': I do not know! But why did Mom try to hide it?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dash''': Are we there yet?! :'''Bob''': We will get there when we get there!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Great! Now our kids are in danger?!?! I was afraid this would happen! :'''Bob''': Well, if you suspected danger, why'd you bring them?! :'''Helen''': I didn't bring them!! They stowed away!! And I don't think you're striking the proper tone here!!!! == Taglines == * Save the day. == Cast == === Voice Cast (in Order of Appearance) === * '''[[w:Craig T. Nelson|Craig T. Nelson]]''' – Bob Parr/Mr. Incredible (voice) * '''[[w:Holly Hunter|Holly Hunter]]''' – Helen Parr/Elastigirl (voice) * '''[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]''' – Lucius Best/Frozone (voice) * '''[[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]]''' – Buddy Pine/Syndrome (voice) * '''Dominique Louis''' – Bomb Voyage (voice) * '''[[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]]''' – Newsreel Narrator (voice) * '''[[w:Jean Sincere|Jean Sincere]]''' – Mrs. Hogenson (voice) * '''Eli Fucile'''<br>'''Maeve Andrews''' – Jack-Jack Parr (voice) * '''[[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]]''' – Gilbert Huph (voice) * '''[[w:Spencer Fox|Spencer Fox]]''' – Dashiell "Dash" Parr (voice) * '''[[w:Lou Romano|Lou Romano]]''' – Bernie Kropp (voice) * '''Wayne Canney''' – Principal (voice) * '''[[Sarah Vowell]]''' – Violet Parr (voice) * '''Michael Bird''' – Tony Rydinger (voice) * '''[[w:Elizabeth Pena|Elizabeth Peña]]''' – Mirage (voice) * '''[[w:Bud Luckey|Bud Luckey]]''' – Rick Dicker (voice) * '''[[Brad Bird]]''' – Edna "E" Mode (voice) * '''Bret Parker''' – Kari (voice) * '''Kimberly Clark''' – Honey (voice) * '''[[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]]''' – Underminer (voice) === Additional Voices === * '''Nicholas Bird''' – Rusty McAllister (voice) * '''[[w:Frank Thomas (animator)|Frank Thomas – Himself]]''' (voice) * '''[[w:Ollie Johnston|Ollie Johnston – Himself]]''' (voice) * '''[[w:Teddy Newton|Teddy Newton]]''' – Jet's Automated Captain/Robotic Security Bird (voice) == Dedication == * '''[[w:Frank Thomas (animator)|Frank Thomas]]'''<br>(1912–2004) == Teaser Trailer == :''[the text puts up "Walt Disney Pictures Presents" and "A Pixar Animation Studios Film" then the camera zooms by the picture frames, then hearing a phone ringing, then Bob picks up the phone]'' :'''Telephone''': Mr. Incredible, we need your help. :'''Mr. Incredible''': ''[grabs the outfit, putting black shoes on, then putting long black gloves on, then putting a black mask on]'' Showtime. :''[tries to put the belt on]'' :'''Helen''': ''[off-screen]'' Honey, come to dinner! :'''Mr. Incredible''': I can't come to dinner! I've got the... I gotta go! :''[continues trying to put the belt on]'' :'''Mr. Incredible''': Maybe just a salad, and uh, yeah. Ooh, and some rice cakes! :''[continues trying to put the belt on, then trying to put the belt on, slamming the desk, then trying to put the belt on, then trying to put the belt on, sitting on a chair, then trying to put the belt on, stamping on the ground, then looking at the belt, then trying to put the belt on, hitting the chair]'' :'''Mr. Incredible''': Come on. :''[takes a deep breath, putting the belt on, the belt breaks off of Mr. Incredible, blowing the lights out, then the title card, then the text puts up "SAVE THE DAY" and "11 - 5 - 2004"]'' == See also == * [[Incredibles 2]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{imdb title | id=0317705 | title=The Incredibles}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=incredibles|title=The Incredibles}} * [http://jupiter.walagata.com/w/frodo01/the_incredibles_transcript.htm Unofficial transcript of the movie] {{DEFAULTSORT:Incredibles, The}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]] [[Category:Midlife crisis films]] 89mpktrpuiwosl8rdah64gb7qetj9np 0 5515 3155652 3152691 2022-08-17T22:02:57Z 2600:1007:B01E:16E8:9977:A9F0:8253:D695 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- [[Lilo & Stitch|Pilot film]] | '''Seasons''': [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 1)|1]] [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series (season 2)|2]] | [[Leroy & Stitch|Finale film]] | [[Lilo & Stitch: The Series|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Lilo & Stitch|Lilo & Stitch]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama]] [[w:adventure film|adventure film]] released by Walt Disney Pictures on June 21, 2002, about a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extraterrestrial fugitive from the law. Home Video was released on December 1 and 3, 2002. :''Written and directed by [[w:Chris Sanders (director)|Chris Sanders]] and [[w:Dean DeBlois|Dean DeBlois]].'' == Dialogue == :''[In Jumba's cell after Experiment 6-2-6 has escaped]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[chuckles]'' He got away? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you. :'''Jumba''': I designed this creature for it to be unstoppable. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Which is precisely why you must now bring him back! :'''Jumba''': What, me? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': And to reward you, we are willing to trade your freedom for his capture. :'''Jumba''': ''[sighs]'' 6-2-6 will not come easily... Maybe direct hit from plasma-cannon might stun him long enough to-- :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[interrupting, exasperated]'' Plasma-cannon granted. Do we have a bargain, Dr. Jumba? :'''Jumba''': ''[grunts and nods]'' :'''Pleakley''': B-b-but it's a delicate planet! Who's going to control him? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You will. ''[leaves]'' :'''Pleakley''': Very good, your highness. I... I didn’t quite. Uh, you’re not joking. :'''Jumba''': So, tell me my little one eyed one on what poor pitiful defenseless planet, has my monstrosity been unleashed? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lilo Pelekai shows up to hula dance class late, soaking wet, Mertle Edmonds, Elena, Teresa and Yuki slip in the puddles, one by one.]'' :'''Moses Puloki''': Stop, stop. Lilo, why are you all wet? :'''Lilo''': It's sandwich day. :''[Moses looks confused]'' :'''Lilo''': ''[sighs]'' Every Thursday, I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich. :'''Moses''': ''[still confused]'' Pudge is a fish? :'''Lilo''': ''[continues]'' And today we were out of peanut butter! So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said a tuna sandwich!! I can't give Pudge tuna! ''[Whispers]'' Do you know what tuna is? :'''Moses''': Fish? :'''Lilo''': It's fish! If I gave Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store, and get peanut butter, 'cause all we have is... is... is stinkin' tuna! :'''Moses''': Lilo, Lilo. Why is this so important? :'''Lilo''': ''[seriously]'' Pudge controls the weather. :''[Everyone exchanges surprised looks]'' :'''Myrtle:''' You're crazy. :''[Lilo furiously starts jumping on Myrtle, angrily punching her in the face and kicking her, then the other girls gather around screaming and Moses picks up Lilo.]'' :'''Moses''': Please! Please! Everybody calm down! :''[Myrtle cries]'' :'''Moses''': Girls.... ''[recites "It doesn't matter" in Hawaiian]'' Shh. Don't cry, Myrtle. Lilo.... :'''Lilo''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! :'''Moses''': Maybe we should call your sister. :'''Lilo''': No! I'll be good! I want to dance. I practiced. I just want to dance. I practiced. :''[Pause]'' :'''Mertle''': Ooh, she bit me. :'''Elena, Teresa, and Yuki''': Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nani''': ''[Lilo shrieks chases her]'' Ew! Lilo! ''[?]'' Why didn't you wait at the school?! You were supposed to wait to ''there.'' ''Lilo?!'' Do you not understand?! Do you want to taken away?! Answer me! :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': No, you don't understand? :'''Lilo''': No! :'''Nani''': "No", what? :'''Lilo''': No! ''[hits the floor]'' :'''Nani''': ''[groans]'' Why do you 12th grade easier all. You're such a pain! :'''Lilo''': So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?! :'''Nani''': At least a rabbit would behave better than you! :'''Lilo''': Go ahead! Then you'll be happy! Because it'll be smarter than me, too! :'''Nani''': And quieter! :'''Lilo''': You'll like it, 'cause it's stinky like you! ''[enters her bedroom and shuts the door]'' :'''Nani''': <big><big><big>'''''GO TO YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Lilo''': ''[opens door]'' I'm already in my room!! ''[shuts the door again]'' :''[Both sisters scream into their pillows]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later]'' :'''Nani''': Hey, I brought you some pizza. In case you’re hungry. :'''Lilo''': We’re a broken family, aren’t we? :'''Nani''': No. Maybe a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': ''[trying to push Nani out of her room]'' Can't you go any faster? :'''Nani''': ''[leaning back]'' Oh, no! Gravity is increasing on me! :'''Lilo''': No, it's not! :'''Nani''': Is too, Lilo. The same thing happened yesterday. ''[falls on top of Lilo]'' :'''Lilo''': You rotten sister, your butt is crushing me! Why do you act so weird? ''[shuts the door on her sister's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nani and Lilo are at an animal shelter looking for a pet dog.]'' :'''Nani''': ''[to shelter worker]'' We're looking for something that can defend itself... something that won't die, something... sturdy, you know? :'''Lilo''': Like a lobster! :'''Nani''': Lilo, you lolo! Do we have a lobster door? No, we have a dog door. We are getting a dog. :''[6-2-6 sneaks out of the shelter, ducked from aiming plasma gun]'' :'''Jumba''': Ha-ha! So nice to see your pretty face again! :'''6-2-6''': Jumba? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Hi. :'''6-2-6''': Hoo, ha… Hi. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Lilo''': Wow! :''[Lilo comes back to the lobby with 6-2-6]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': Oh, yes, all our dogs are adoptable.... ''[jumps, startled]'' Except that one!!!! ''[runs and takes 6-2-6 away from Lilo as Nani pulls Lilo away from 6-2-6]'' :'''Nani''': What is that thing?! :'''Shelter Worker''': A dog.... I think, but it was dead this morning! :'''Nani''': It was dead this morning?!?! :'''Shelter Worker''': Well, we thought it was dead, it was hit by a truck!! :'''Lilo''': I like him!! Come here, boy! :''[6-2-6 forcefully, against the shelter worker's grip, walks himself forward to get to Lilo as she so called him to her, climbing up onto Nani and Lilo's laps]'' :'''Nani''': ''[screams and pushes 6-2-6 away from her and Lilo; she composes herself and asks]'' Wouldn't you like a different dog? :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[a bit breathless]'' We have better dogs, dear. :'''Lilo''': Not better than him! He can talk. Say hello. :'''6-2-6''': Hel... Hel... :'''Shelter Worker''': Dogs can't talk, dear. :''[6-2-6 narrows his eyes and bares his teeth in frustration]'' :'''Lilo''': He did! :'''Nani''': Does it have to be this dog?! :''[6-2-6 pants a few times before lolling his tongue out, sticking it up his nose and pulling out a big green bogie, eating it, smacking his lips]'' :'''Lilo''': Yes. He's good. I can tell. :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[filling out paperwork at the front desk]'' You'll have to think of a name for him. :'''Lilo''': His name is... Stitch. :''[Standing on a chair, 6-2-6, now named Stitch, looks out the window]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': That's not a real name. ''[Nani shakes her head quickly and waves her hand as if saying 'No! Don't say that!']'' ... in... Iceland. But here it's a good name. Stitch, it is. And there's a $2.00 license fee. :'''Lilo''': I want to buy him! ''[whispers]'' Can I borrow $2? :''[With a semi-irritated look, Nani takes the money from the shelter worker and hands it to Lilo. Lilo then taps the money on her shoulder and hands it back to her, handing it to the shelter worker]'' :'''Shelter Worker''': ''[stamps the adoption papers and hands the paper to Lilo with a friendly smile]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lilo''': Don't leave me, okay? :'''Stitch''': OK. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You?! You're the cause of all this!! If it wasn't for Experiment 6-2-6, none of this- :'''Stitch''': ''[interrupting]'' Stitch! :'''Grand Councilwoman''': What? :'''Stitch''': My name is Stitch. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Stitch, then. If it wasn't for Stitch- ''[realizes what just happened, turns back to Stitch]'' :'''Stitch''': Does Stitch have to go in the ship? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[shocked, hesitant]'' ...Yes. :'''Stitch''': Can Stitch say goodbye? :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Yes. :'''Stitch''': Thank you. ''[walks over to Nani and Lilo]'' :'''Grand Councilwoman''': ''[looks at Nani and Lilo]'' Who are you? :'''Stitch''': This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cobra Bubbles''': [whispering] Lilo. Didn't you find that thing at a shelter? :'''Lilo''': Hey! Three days ago, I bought Stitch at the shelter. I paid two dollars for him. See this stamp? I own him. If you take him, you're stealing. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': Aliens are all about rules. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': You look familiar. :'''Cobra Bubbles''': CIA. Roswell. 1973. :'''Grand Councilwoman''': Ah, yes. You had hair then. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stitch grabs Jumba's plasma gun, but Jumba plugs it with a carrot]'' :'''Jumba''': You shouldn't play with guns. :'''Stitch''': ''[giving it to him]'' Oh, okay. :'''Jumba''': Thank you. ''[hears the gun beeping, realizes it's overloading and throws it back to Stitch]'' Oh, uh, I just remembered, it's your birthday! Happy birthday! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it to him]'' Err, Merry Christmas! :'''Jumba''': ''[throws it back]'' It's not Christmas! :'''Stitch''': ''[throws it back]'' Happy Hanukah! :''[as Jumba and Stitch play hot potato with the overloading gun, Pleakley grabs Lilo and runs out of the house]'' :'''Jumba''': ''[in background, overlapped by Lilo]'' It's not Hanukah! :'''Lilo''': We're leaving Stitch?! :'''Pleakley''': Trust me, this is not gonna end well! :''[back to Jumba and Stitch]'' :'''Jumba''': 1 potato! :'''Stitch''': 2 potato! :'''Jumba''': 3 potato! :'''Stitch''': 4! :'''Jumba''': 5 potato! :'''Stitch''': 6 potato! :'''Jumba''': 7 potato, more! :'''Stitch''': My...! :'''Jumba''': mother...! :'''Stitch''': told...! :'''Jumba''': me...! :'''Stitch''': you...! :'''Jumba''': Are...! :'''Stitch''': It! :'''Jumba''': Ha!!!! I win!! :''[The gun explodes; destroying Lilo's house]'' == Taglines == *There's one in every family. *His name is Stitch. *Meet Stitch. This Summer, He's Coming to OUR Planet. *He's coming to our galaxy. *On June 21, The tradition is under attack. * May the Stitch be with you. ==Cast== * [[w:Daveigh Chase|Daveigh Chase]] — Lilo Pelekai * [[w:Chris Sanders|Christopher Michael Sanders]] — [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] * [[w:Tia Carrere|Tia Carrere]] — Nani Pelekai * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] — Dr. Jumba Jookiba * [[w:Kevin McDonald|Kevin McDonald]] — Agent Wendy Pleakley * [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]] — Cobra Bubbles * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin M. Richardson]] — Captain Gantu * [[w:Zoe Caldwell|Zoe Caldwell]] — The Grand Councilwoman * [[w:Jason Scott Lee|Jason Scott Lee]] — David Kawena ==See also== * ''[[Disney's Stitch: Experiment 626]]'', a 2002 prequel video game * ''[[Leroy & Stitch]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' * ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'', a 2010 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois * ''[[The Croods]]'', a 2013 DreamWorks Animation film also written and directed by Chris Sanders ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} * {{imdb title|0275847}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Lilo & Stitch]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Films about sisters]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Chris Sanders films]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] q16812ybg32uq03zzdwb0e3h2aprp92 0 5736 3155637 3149260 2022-08-17T21:05:03Z 1.145.240.247 /* External links */ thread on the film wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dead Poets Society|Dead Poets Society]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]], set in 1959, that tells the story of English professor John Keating, who inspires his students at Welton Academy to a love of poetry and teaches them to overcome their reluctance to make changes in their lives. :''Directed by [[Peter Weir]]. Written by [[w:Tom Schulman|Tom Schulman]].'' {{center|'''He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == John Keating == * We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from [[Walt Whitman|Whitman]], "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish…what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity, that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ''That the powerful play goes on'', and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? * When you read, don't just consider what the author thinks, consider what ''you'' think. * There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. * No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. * They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, '''carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary'''. **''Note: bolded portion is ranked #95 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema.'' * Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out! Break out! Now is the time! * ''[Last words of film]'' Thank you, boys. Thank you. == Headmaster Dean Nolan == * ''[at Neil's ceremony]'' The death of Neil Perry is a tragedy. He was a fine student. One of Welton's best. And he will be missed. We've contacted each of your parents to explain the situation. Naturally, they're all quite concerned. At the request of Neil's family, I intend to conduct a thorough inquiry into this matter. Your cooperation is expected. == Dialogue == :'''Keating''': "Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." Why does the writer use these lines? :'''Charlie''': Because he's in a hurry. :'''Keating''': No. Ding! Thank you for playing anyway. Because we are food for [[worms]], lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die. <hr width=50%> :'''Keating''': Language was developed for one endeavor, and that is - Mr. Anderson? Come on, are you a man or an amoeba? ''[pause]'' Mr. Perry? :'''Neil''': To communicate. :'''Keating''': No! To woo women! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie Dalton''': Welton Academy. Hello? Yes, he is. Just a moment. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton. :''[Later, when Keating is admonishing the boys that the Dead Poets Society is not a license for lawbreaking]'' :'''Keating''': Phone call from God. If it had been collect, that would have been daring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''McAllister''': You take a big risk by encouraging them to be artists, John. When they realize they're not Rembrandts, Shakespeares or Mozarts, they'll hate you for it. :'''Keating''': We're not talking artists, George, we're talking freethinkers. :'''McAllister''': Freethinkers at seventeen? :'''Keating''': Funny — I never pegged you as a cynic. :'''McAllister''': Not a cynic, a realist. "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams, and I'll show you a happy man." :'''Keating''': "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be." :'''McAllister''': Tennyson? :'''Keating''': No, Keating. <hr width=50%> :''[Keating stands on his desk]'' :'''Keating''': Why do I stand up here? Anybody? :'''Charlie''': To feel taller! :'''Keating''': No! ''[Dings a bell with his foot]'' Thank you for playing Mr. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Keating''': The picture of Uncle Walt up there. What does he remind you of? Don't think. Answer. Go on. :''[Keating begins to circle around Todd]'' :'''Todd''': A m-m-madman. :'''Keating''': What kind of madman? Don't think about it. Just answer again. :'''Todd''': A c-crazy madman. :'''Keating''': No, you can do better than that. Free up your mind. Use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish. Go on, go on. :'''Todd''': Uh, uh, a sweaty-toothed madman. :'''Keating''': Good God, boy, there's a poet in you, after all. There, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close 'em. Now, describe what you see. :''[Keating puts his hands over Todd's eyes and they begin to slowly spin around]'' :'''Todd''': Uh, I-I close my eyes. :'''Keating''': Yes? :'''Todd''' Uh, and this image floats beside me. :'''Keating''': A sweaty-toothed madman? :'''Todd''': A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. :'''Keating''': Oh, that's excellent. Now, give him action. Make him do something. :'''Todd''': H-His hands reach out and choke me. :'''Keating''': That's it. Wonderful. Wonderful. :''[Keating removes his hands from Todd but Todd keeps his eyes closed]'' :'''Todd''': And, and all the time he's mumbling. :'''Keating''': What's he mumbling? :'''Todd''': M-Mumbling, "Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold." :''[The students begin to laugh and Todd opens his eyes. Keating quickly gestures for him to close them again]'' :'''Keating''': Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket. :'''Todd''': Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. :''[Todd opens his eyes. The class is silent. Then they applaud Todd's impressive delivery.]'' :'''Keating''': ''[whispering to Todd]'' Don't you forget this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neil Perry''': I just talked to my father. He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall. Acting's everything to me. I- But he doesn't know! He- I can see his point; we're not a rich family, like Charlie's. We- But he's planning the rest of my life for me, and I- He's never asked me what I want! :'''John Keating''': Have you ever told your father what you just told me? About your passion for acting? You ever showed him that? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't. :'''John Keating''': Why not? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't talk to him this way. :'''John Keating''': Then you're acting for him, too. You're playing the part of the dutiful son. Now, I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. You have to show him who you are, what your heart is. :'''Neil Perry''': I know what he'll say. He'll tell me that acting's a whim and I should forget it. They're counting on me; he'll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good. :'''John Keating''': You are not an indentured servant. It's not a whim for you. You prove it to him by your conviction and your passion. You show that to him, and if he still doesn't believe you - well, by then, you'll be out of school and can do anything you want. :'''Neil Perry''': No. What about the play? The show's tomorrow night! :'''John Keating''': Then you have to talk to him before tomorrow night. :'''Neil Perry''': Isn't there an easier way? :'''John Keating''': No. :'''Neil Perry''': ''[laughs]'' I'm trapped! :'''John Keating''': No you're not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil reads from Henry David Thoreau's ''Walden'']'' :'''Neil''': "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived." :'''Dalton''': I'll second that. :'''Neil''': "To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil's father has just driven him home from his performance in ''A Midsummer Night's Dream'']'' :'''Mr. Perry''': We're trying very hard to understand why it is that you insist on defying us. Whatever the reason, we're not gonna let you ruin your life. Tomorrow I'm withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Braighton Military School. You're going to Harvard, and you're gonna be a doctor. : '''Neil''': But, that's ten more years! Father, that's a ''lifetime!'' :'''Mr. Perry''': Oh, stop it! Don't be so dramatic! You make it sound like a prison term! You don't understand, Neil! You have opportunities that I never even dreamt of, and I am not going to let you waste them! :'''Neil''': I've got to tell you what I feel! :'''Mrs. Perry''': We've been so worried about you! :'''Mr. Perry''': ''What?'' What? Tell me what you feel! What is it? Is it more of this, this ''acting'' business? Because you can forget that! What? :'''Neil''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing. :'''Mr. Perry''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing? Well, then, let's go to bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cameron''': What's going on, guys? :'''Charlie''': You finked, didn't you, Cameron? :'''Cameron''': Finked? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. :'''Charlie''': You told Nolan about everything about that club is what I'm talking about! :'''Cameron''': Look, in case you hadn't heard, Dalton, there's something called an honor code at this school, alright?! If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth, or you're expelled. :''(Outraged, Charlie bolts towards Cameron to attack him, but the others hold him back.)'' :'''Charlie''': He's a rat! He's in it up to his eyes, so he rattled to save himself! :'''Knox''': Don't touch him, Charlie. You do, and you're out. :'''Charlie''': I'm out anyway! :'''Knox''': You don't know that, not yet. :'''Cameron''': He's right there, Charlie. And if you guys are smart, you will do EXACTLY what I did and cooperate! They're not after ''us!'' ''We're'' the victims! Us and Neil. :'''Charlie''': What's that mean? Who are they after? :'''Cameron''': Why, Mr. Keating, of course! The "Captain" himself! I mean, you guys didn't really think he could avoid responsibility, did you? :'''Charlie''': Mr. Keating responsible for Neil? Is that what they're saying? :'''Cameron''': Well, who else do you think, dumbass?! The administration?! Mr. Perry?! I mean, Mr. Keating put us up to all this crap, didn't he?! If it wasn't for Mr. Keating, Neil would be cozying up in his room right now, studying his chemistry, and dreaming of being called doctor! :'''Todd''': That is not true, Cameron! You know that! He didn't put us up to anything! And Neil loved acting! :'''Cameron''': Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry! I mean, why ruin our lives?! :''(Charlie, out of rage, slugs Cameron. The others restrain him again.)'' :'''Cameron''': You've just signed your expulsion papers, "Nuwanda"! And if the rest of you were smart, you'll do exactly what I did! They know everything anyway. You can't save Keating, but you can save yourselves. == Taglines == * He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary. ==Cast== *[[Robin Williams]] — John Keating *[[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]] — Neil Perry *[[Ethan Hawke]] — Todd Anderson *[[w:Josh Charles|Josh Charles]] — Knox Overstreet *[[w:Gale Hansen|Gale Hansen]] — Charlie Dalton *[[w:Norman Lloyd|Norman Lloyd]] — Headmaster Dean Nolan *[[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] — Mr. Perry *[[w:Dylan Kussman|Dylan Kussman]] — Richard Cameron *Allelon Ruggiero — Steven Meeks *[[w:Alexandra Powers|Alexandra Powers]] — Chris Noel ==External links== * [https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1559966356698701824.html Thread on''Dead Poets Society''] {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0097165|title=Dead Poets Society}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=dead_poets_society|title=Dead Poets Society}} *http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/dead_poets_final.html [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Teen drama films]] [[Category:Peter Weir films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films set in Vermont]] [[Category:Films about suicide]] k3382d59q1o30lekkcamhoovps4miry 3155639 3155637 2022-08-17T21:05:20Z 1.145.240.247 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dead Poets Society|Dead Poets Society]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]], set in 1959, that tells the story of English professor John Keating, who inspires his students at Welton Academy to a love of poetry and teaches them to overcome their reluctance to make changes in their lives. :''Directed by [[Peter Weir]]. Written by [[w:Tom Schulman|Tom Schulman]].'' {{center|'''He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == John Keating == * We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from [[Walt Whitman|Whitman]], "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish…what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity, that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ''That the powerful play goes on'', and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? * When you read, don't just consider what the author thinks, consider what ''you'' think. * There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. * No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. * They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, '''carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary'''. **''Note: bolded portion is ranked #95 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema.'' * Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out! Break out! Now is the time! * ''[Last words of film]'' Thank you, boys. Thank you. == Headmaster Dean Nolan == * ''[at Neil's ceremony]'' The death of Neil Perry is a tragedy. He was a fine student. One of Welton's best. And he will be missed. We've contacted each of your parents to explain the situation. Naturally, they're all quite concerned. At the request of Neil's family, I intend to conduct a thorough inquiry into this matter. Your cooperation is expected. == Dialogue == :'''Keating''': "Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." Why does the writer use these lines? :'''Charlie''': Because he's in a hurry. :'''Keating''': No. Ding! Thank you for playing anyway. Because we are food for [[worms]], lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die. <hr width=50%> :'''Keating''': Language was developed for one endeavor, and that is - Mr. Anderson? Come on, are you a man or an amoeba? ''[pause]'' Mr. Perry? :'''Neil''': To communicate. :'''Keating''': No! To woo women! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie Dalton''': Welton Academy. Hello? Yes, he is. Just a moment. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton. :''[Later, when Keating is admonishing the boys that the Dead Poets Society is not a license for lawbreaking]'' :'''Keating''': Phone call from God. If it had been collect, that would have been daring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''McAllister''': You take a big risk by encouraging them to be artists, John. When they realize they're not Rembrandts, Shakespeares or Mozarts, they'll hate you for it. :'''Keating''': We're not talking artists, George, we're talking freethinkers. :'''McAllister''': Freethinkers at seventeen? :'''Keating''': Funny — I never pegged you as a cynic. :'''McAllister''': Not a cynic, a realist. "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams, and I'll show you a happy man." :'''Keating''': "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be." :'''McAllister''': Tennyson? :'''Keating''': No, Keating. <hr width=50%> :''[Keating stands on his desk]'' :'''Keating''': Why do I stand up here? Anybody? :'''Charlie''': To feel taller! :'''Keating''': No! ''[Dings a bell with his foot]'' Thank you for playing Mr. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Keating''': The picture of Uncle Walt up there. What does he remind you of? Don't think. Answer. Go on. :''[Keating begins to circle around Todd]'' :'''Todd''': A m-m-madman. :'''Keating''': What kind of madman? Don't think about it. Just answer again. :'''Todd''': A c-crazy madman. :'''Keating''': No, you can do better than that. Free up your mind. Use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish. Go on, go on. :'''Todd''': Uh, uh, a sweaty-toothed madman. :'''Keating''': Good God, boy, there's a poet in you, after all. There, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close 'em. Now, describe what you see. :''[Keating puts his hands over Todd's eyes and they begin to slowly spin around]'' :'''Todd''': Uh, I-I close my eyes. :'''Keating''': Yes? :'''Todd''' Uh, and this image floats beside me. :'''Keating''': A sweaty-toothed madman? :'''Todd''': A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. :'''Keating''': Oh, that's excellent. Now, give him action. Make him do something. :'''Todd''': H-His hands reach out and choke me. :'''Keating''': That's it. Wonderful. Wonderful. :''[Keating removes his hands from Todd but Todd keeps his eyes closed]'' :'''Todd''': And, and all the time he's mumbling. :'''Keating''': What's he mumbling? :'''Todd''': M-Mumbling, "Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold." :''[The students begin to laugh and Todd opens his eyes. Keating quickly gestures for him to close them again]'' :'''Keating''': Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket. :'''Todd''': Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. :''[Todd opens his eyes. The class is silent. Then they applaud Todd's impressive delivery.]'' :'''Keating''': ''[whispering to Todd]'' Don't you forget this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neil Perry''': I just talked to my father. He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall. Acting's everything to me. I- But he doesn't know! He- I can see his point; we're not a rich family, like Charlie's. We- But he's planning the rest of my life for me, and I- He's never asked me what I want! :'''John Keating''': Have you ever told your father what you just told me? About your passion for acting? You ever showed him that? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't. :'''John Keating''': Why not? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't talk to him this way. :'''John Keating''': Then you're acting for him, too. You're playing the part of the dutiful son. Now, I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. You have to show him who you are, what your heart is. :'''Neil Perry''': I know what he'll say. He'll tell me that acting's a whim and I should forget it. They're counting on me; he'll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good. :'''John Keating''': You are not an indentured servant. It's not a whim for you. You prove it to him by your conviction and your passion. You show that to him, and if he still doesn't believe you - well, by then, you'll be out of school and can do anything you want. :'''Neil Perry''': No. What about the play? The show's tomorrow night! :'''John Keating''': Then you have to talk to him before tomorrow night. :'''Neil Perry''': Isn't there an easier way? :'''John Keating''': No. :'''Neil Perry''': ''[laughs]'' I'm trapped! :'''John Keating''': No you're not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil reads from Henry David Thoreau's ''Walden'']'' :'''Neil''': "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived." :'''Dalton''': I'll second that. :'''Neil''': "To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil's father has just driven him home from his performance in ''A Midsummer Night's Dream'']'' :'''Mr. Perry''': We're trying very hard to understand why it is that you insist on defying us. Whatever the reason, we're not gonna let you ruin your life. Tomorrow I'm withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Braighton Military School. You're going to Harvard, and you're gonna be a doctor. : '''Neil''': But, that's ten more years! Father, that's a ''lifetime!'' :'''Mr. Perry''': Oh, stop it! Don't be so dramatic! You make it sound like a prison term! You don't understand, Neil! You have opportunities that I never even dreamt of, and I am not going to let you waste them! :'''Neil''': I've got to tell you what I feel! :'''Mrs. Perry''': We've been so worried about you! :'''Mr. Perry''': ''What?'' What? Tell me what you feel! What is it? Is it more of this, this ''acting'' business? Because you can forget that! What? :'''Neil''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing. :'''Mr. Perry''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing? Well, then, let's go to bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cameron''': What's going on, guys? :'''Charlie''': You finked, didn't you, Cameron? :'''Cameron''': Finked? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. :'''Charlie''': You told Nolan about everything about that club is what I'm talking about! :'''Cameron''': Look, in case you hadn't heard, Dalton, there's something called an honor code at this school, alright?! If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth, or you're expelled. :''(Outraged, Charlie bolts towards Cameron to attack him, but the others hold him back.)'' :'''Charlie''': He's a rat! He's in it up to his eyes, so he rattled to save himself! :'''Knox''': Don't touch him, Charlie. You do, and you're out. :'''Charlie''': I'm out anyway! :'''Knox''': You don't know that, not yet. :'''Cameron''': He's right there, Charlie. And if you guys are smart, you will do EXACTLY what I did and cooperate! They're not after ''us!'' ''We're'' the victims! Us and Neil. :'''Charlie''': What's that mean? Who are they after? :'''Cameron''': Why, Mr. Keating, of course! The "Captain" himself! I mean, you guys didn't really think he could avoid responsibility, did you? :'''Charlie''': Mr. Keating responsible for Neil? Is that what they're saying? :'''Cameron''': Well, who else do you think, dumbass?! The administration?! Mr. Perry?! I mean, Mr. Keating put us up to all this crap, didn't he?! If it wasn't for Mr. Keating, Neil would be cozying up in his room right now, studying his chemistry, and dreaming of being called doctor! :'''Todd''': That is not true, Cameron! You know that! He didn't put us up to anything! And Neil loved acting! :'''Cameron''': Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry! I mean, why ruin our lives?! :''(Charlie, out of rage, slugs Cameron. The others restrain him again.)'' :'''Cameron''': You've just signed your expulsion papers, "Nuwanda"! And if the rest of you were smart, you'll do exactly what I did! They know everything anyway. You can't save Keating, but you can save yourselves. == Taglines == * He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary. ==Cast== *[[Robin Williams]] — John Keating *[[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]] — Neil Perry *[[Ethan Hawke]] — Todd Anderson *[[w:Josh Charles|Josh Charles]] — Knox Overstreet *[[w:Gale Hansen|Gale Hansen]] — Charlie Dalton *[[w:Norman Lloyd|Norman Lloyd]] — Headmaster Dean Nolan *[[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] — Mr. Perry *[[w:Dylan Kussman|Dylan Kussman]] — Richard Cameron *Allelon Ruggiero — Steven Meeks *[[w:Alexandra Powers|Alexandra Powers]] — Chris Noel ==External links== * [https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1559966356698701824.html Thread on ''Dead Poets Society''] {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0097165|title=Dead Poets Society}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=dead_poets_society|title=Dead Poets Society}} *http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/dead_poets_final.html [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Teen drama films]] [[Category:Peter Weir films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films set in Vermont]] [[Category:Films about suicide]] 63ajdh93n8ybtod0ah4mwkoob1q3427 3155641 3155639 2022-08-17T21:06:19Z UDScott 4304 Reverted edit by [[User:1.145.240.247|1.145.240.247]] ([[User talk:1.145.240.247|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/1.145.240.247|contributions]]) to last version by 2604:2D80:9490:6500:1430:14FC:7D32:287 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dead Poets Society|Dead Poets Society]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]], set in 1959, that tells the story of English professor John Keating, who inspires his students at Welton Academy to a love of poetry and teaches them to overcome their reluctance to make changes in their lives. :''Directed by [[Peter Weir]]. Written by [[w:Tom Schulman|Tom Schulman]].'' {{center|'''He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == John Keating == * We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from [[Walt Whitman|Whitman]], "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish…what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity, that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ''That the powerful play goes on'', and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? * When you read, don't just consider what the author thinks, consider what ''you'' think. * There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. * No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. * They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, '''carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary'''. **''Note: bolded portion is ranked #95 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema.'' * Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out! Break out! Now is the time! * ''[Last words of film]'' Thank you, boys. Thank you. == Headmaster Dean Nolan == * ''[at Neil's ceremony]'' The death of Neil Perry is a tragedy. He was a fine student. One of Welton's best. And he will be missed. We've contacted each of your parents to explain the situation. Naturally, they're all quite concerned. At the request of Neil's family, I intend to conduct a thorough inquiry into this matter. Your cooperation is expected. == Dialogue == :'''Keating''': "Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." Why does the writer use these lines? :'''Charlie''': Because he's in a hurry. :'''Keating''': No. Ding! Thank you for playing anyway. Because we are food for [[worms]], lads. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die. <hr width=50%> :'''Keating''': Language was developed for one endeavor, and that is - Mr. Anderson? Come on, are you a man or an amoeba? ''[pause]'' Mr. Perry? :'''Neil''': To communicate. :'''Keating''': No! To woo women! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie Dalton''': Welton Academy. Hello? Yes, he is. Just a moment. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton. :''[Later, when Keating is admonishing the boys that the Dead Poets Society is not a license for lawbreaking]'' :'''Keating''': Phone call from God. If it had been collect, that would have been daring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''McAllister''': You take a big risk by encouraging them to be artists, John. When they realize they're not Rembrandts, Shakespeares or Mozarts, they'll hate you for it. :'''Keating''': We're not talking artists, George, we're talking freethinkers. :'''McAllister''': Freethinkers at seventeen? :'''Keating''': Funny — I never pegged you as a cynic. :'''McAllister''': Not a cynic, a realist. "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams, and I'll show you a happy man." :'''Keating''': "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be." :'''McAllister''': Tennyson? :'''Keating''': No, Keating. <hr width=50%> :''[Keating stands on his desk]'' :'''Keating''': Why do I stand up here? Anybody? :'''Charlie''': To feel taller! :'''Keating''': No! ''[Dings a bell with his foot]'' Thank you for playing Mr. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Keating''': The picture of Uncle Walt up there. What does he remind you of? Don't think. Answer. Go on. :''[Keating begins to circle around Todd]'' :'''Todd''': A m-m-madman. :'''Keating''': What kind of madman? Don't think about it. Just answer again. :'''Todd''': A c-crazy madman. :'''Keating''': No, you can do better than that. Free up your mind. Use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish. Go on, go on. :'''Todd''': Uh, uh, a sweaty-toothed madman. :'''Keating''': Good God, boy, there's a poet in you, after all. There, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close 'em. Now, describe what you see. :''[Keating puts his hands over Todd's eyes and they begin to slowly spin around]'' :'''Todd''': Uh, I-I close my eyes. :'''Keating''': Yes? :'''Todd''' Uh, and this image floats beside me. :'''Keating''': A sweaty-toothed madman? :'''Todd''': A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. :'''Keating''': Oh, that's excellent. Now, give him action. Make him do something. :'''Todd''': H-His hands reach out and choke me. :'''Keating''': That's it. Wonderful. Wonderful. :''[Keating removes his hands from Todd but Todd keeps his eyes closed]'' :'''Todd''': And, and all the time he's mumbling. :'''Keating''': What's he mumbling? :'''Todd''': M-Mumbling, "Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold." :''[The students begin to laugh and Todd opens his eyes. Keating quickly gestures for him to close them again]'' :'''Keating''': Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket. :'''Todd''': Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. :''[Todd opens his eyes. The class is silent. Then they applaud Todd's impressive delivery.]'' :'''Keating''': ''[whispering to Todd]'' Don't you forget this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neil Perry''': I just talked to my father. He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall. Acting's everything to me. I- But he doesn't know! He- I can see his point; we're not a rich family, like Charlie's. We- But he's planning the rest of my life for me, and I- He's never asked me what I want! :'''John Keating''': Have you ever told your father what you just told me? About your passion for acting? You ever showed him that? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't. :'''John Keating''': Why not? :'''Neil Perry''': I can't talk to him this way. :'''John Keating''': Then you're acting for him, too. You're playing the part of the dutiful son. Now, I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. You have to show him who you are, what your heart is. :'''Neil Perry''': I know what he'll say. He'll tell me that acting's a whim and I should forget it. They're counting on me; he'll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good. :'''John Keating''': You are not an indentured servant. It's not a whim for you. You prove it to him by your conviction and your passion. You show that to him, and if he still doesn't believe you - well, by then, you'll be out of school and can do anything you want. :'''Neil Perry''': No. What about the play? The show's tomorrow night! :'''John Keating''': Then you have to talk to him before tomorrow night. :'''Neil Perry''': Isn't there an easier way? :'''John Keating''': No. :'''Neil Perry''': ''[laughs]'' I'm trapped! :'''John Keating''': No you're not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil reads from Henry David Thoreau's ''Walden'']'' :'''Neil''': "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived." :'''Dalton''': I'll second that. :'''Neil''': "To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil's father has just driven him home from his performance in ''A Midsummer Night's Dream'']'' :'''Mr. Perry''': We're trying very hard to understand why it is that you insist on defying us. Whatever the reason, we're not gonna let you ruin your life. Tomorrow I'm withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Braighton Military School. You're going to Harvard, and you're gonna be a doctor. : '''Neil''': But, that's ten more years! Father, that's a ''lifetime!'' :'''Mr. Perry''': Oh, stop it! Don't be so dramatic! You make it sound like a prison term! You don't understand, Neil! You have opportunities that I never even dreamt of, and I am not going to let you waste them! :'''Neil''': I've got to tell you what I feel! :'''Mrs. Perry''': We've been so worried about you! :'''Mr. Perry''': ''What?'' What? Tell me what you feel! What is it? Is it more of this, this ''acting'' business? Because you can forget that! What? :'''Neil''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing. :'''Mr. Perry''': ''[pauses]'' Nothing? Well, then, let's go to bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cameron''': What's going on, guys? :'''Charlie''': You finked, didn't you, Cameron? :'''Cameron''': Finked? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. :'''Charlie''': You told Nolan about everything about that club is what I'm talking about! :'''Cameron''': Look, in case you hadn't heard, Dalton, there's something called an honor code at this school, alright?! If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth, or you're expelled. :''(Outraged, Charlie bolts towards Cameron to attack him, but the others hold him back.)'' :'''Charlie''': He's a rat! He's in it up to his eyes, so he rattled to save himself! :'''Knox''': Don't touch him, Charlie. You do, and you're out. :'''Charlie''': I'm out anyway! :'''Knox''': You don't know that, not yet. :'''Cameron''': He's right there, Charlie. And if you guys are smart, you will do EXACTLY what I did and cooperate! They're not after ''us!'' ''We're'' the victims! Us and Neil. :'''Charlie''': What's that mean? Who are they after? :'''Cameron''': Why, Mr. Keating, of course! The "Captain" himself! I mean, you guys didn't really think he could avoid responsibility, did you? :'''Charlie''': Mr. Keating responsible for Neil? Is that what they're saying? :'''Cameron''': Well, who else do you think, dumbass?! The administration?! Mr. Perry?! I mean, Mr. Keating put us up to all this crap, didn't he?! If it wasn't for Mr. Keating, Neil would be cozying up in his room right now, studying his chemistry, and dreaming of being called doctor! :'''Todd''': That is not true, Cameron! You know that! He didn't put us up to anything! And Neil loved acting! :'''Cameron''': Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry! I mean, why ruin our lives?! :''(Charlie, out of rage, slugs Cameron. The others restrain him again.)'' :'''Cameron''': You've just signed your expulsion papers, "Nuwanda"! And if the rest of you were smart, you'll do exactly what I did! They know everything anyway. You can't save Keating, but you can save yourselves. == Taglines == * He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary. ==Cast== *[[Robin Williams]] — John Keating *[[w:Robert Sean Leonard|Robert Sean Leonard]] — Neil Perry *[[Ethan Hawke]] — Todd Anderson *[[w:Josh Charles|Josh Charles]] — Knox Overstreet *[[w:Gale Hansen|Gale Hansen]] — Charlie Dalton *[[w:Norman Lloyd|Norman Lloyd]] — Headmaster Dean Nolan *[[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] — Mr. Perry *[[w:Dylan Kussman|Dylan Kussman]] — Richard Cameron *Allelon Ruggiero — Steven Meeks *[[w:Alexandra Powers|Alexandra Powers]] — Chris Noel ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0097165|title=Dead Poets Society}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=dead_poets_society|title=Dead Poets Society}} *http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/dead_poets_final.html [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Teen drama films]] [[Category:Peter Weir films]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films set in Vermont]] [[Category:Films about suicide]] 7xivi0i9prrvuuy5bniz6vef7f3r5gx 0 6004 3155623 3020486 2022-08-17T20:00:27Z CensoredScribe 856601 13/8/16, 5/8/17, 5/28/17, 6/8/18, 10/26/18, 1/6/19, 19/29/19, 0/11/19, 11/20/19, 11/26/19, 5/12/20. Caption img with a quote, img New York City. wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert De Niro TFF 2011 Shankbone.JPG|thumb|There’s something more [[powerful]] than [[bombs]], and that’s your [[vote]]. People must vote!]] '''[[w:Robert De Niro|Robert De Niro, Jr.]]''' (born [[August 17]], [[1943]]) is a two-time Academy Award-winning, iconic American film actor, director, producer, and founder of the [[w:Tribeca Film Festival|Tribeca Film Festival]]. He is of Dutch, English, French, German, Irish and Italian descent. == Quotes == * These movies are like my children, except you can't remake my children in 3D to push up the grosses. ** 2011 Golden Globe Awards. [http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/01/16/golden.globes/ CNN], January 16, 2011. * I don’t know, it’s crazy that people like Donald Trump ... he shouldn’t even be where he is, so God help us. What he’s been saying is really totally crazy, ridiculous ... he is totally nuts. But I think now they are really starting to push back, the media ... finally they are starting to say, ‘come on Donald, this is ridiculous, this is nuts, this is insane. ** Sarajevo film festival, (12 Aug 2016) * The administration’s mean-spiritedness towards our art and entertainment is an expression of their mean-spirited attitude about people who want that art and entertainment, people who also want and deserve decent wages, a fair tax system, a safe environment, education for their children and healthcare for all. ** 44th annual Chaplin Award acceptance speech, (May 8, 2017) * When you started school, the country was an inspiring, uplifting drama. You are graduating into a tragic, dumbass comedy. My advice is to lock the [university’s] Van Wickle gates and stay here. ** Brown University 249th commencement (May 28, 2017) * I’m gonna say one thing. Fuck Trump. It’s no longer down with Trump. It’s fuck Trump. ** 72nd Tony Awards, (June 8, 2018) * There’s something more [[powerful]] than [[bombs]], and that’s your [[vote]]. People must vote! ** Catherine Shoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2018/oct/26/robert-de-niro-response-bomb-new-york-office “Robert De Niro: 'Votes are more powerful than bombs'”], ''The Guardian'', (October 26, 2018) * We are in a moment in our lives, in this country, where this guy is like a gangster. We say over and over again: ‘This is terrible, we’re in a terrible situation, we’re in a terrible situation,’ and this guy just keeps going on and on and on without being stopped. ** ''Reliable Sources'', ''CNN'', (September 29, 2019) * Give him a chance. That’s what I said right after he was elected. Give him a chance. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. This guy has proven himself to be a total loser. ** ''The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'', ''CBS'', (November 26, 2019) * Even gangsters have [[morals]], and they have [[ethics]]. They have a code, and you know when you give somebody your [[word]], it’s your word, because it’s all you have is your word. [[Donald Trump|This guy]], he doesn’t even know what that means. ** ''The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'', ''CBS'', (November 26, 2019) * It’s Shakespearean, the whole thing. You’ve got a lunatic saying things that people are trying to dance around. <br> It’s appalling. He wants to be reelected. He doesn’t even care how many people die. ** ''Newsnight'', ''BBC'', (May 12, 2020) * He doesn’t care for those people, and the people who he pretends to care about are the people he has the most disdain for. They might like to tell themselves or to delude themselves, but he doesn’t care about them. ** ''Newsnight'', ''BBC'', (May 12, 2020) === ''What I've Learned'' === : [http://www.esquire.com/features/learned/030101_mwi_deniro.html?par=msn_h|esq|emb| ''Esquire''], January 2003. * I like it when interviews are brief. Are we done yet? * Some people say, "New York's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there." I say that about other places. * There's no such thing as not being afraid. * I didn't have a problem with rejection, because when you go into an audition, you're rejected already. There are hundreds of other actors. You're behind the eight ball when you go in there. * The hardest thing about being famous is that people are always nice to you. You're in a conversation and everybody's agreeing with what you're saying—even if you say something totally crazy. You need people who can tell you what you ''don't'' want to hear. * When I'm directing a great dramatic scene, part of me is saying, "Thank God I don't have to do that." Because I know how fucking hard it is to act. It's the middle of the night. It's freezing. You gotta do this scene. You gotta get it up to get to that point. And yet, as a director, you've got to get the actors to that point. It's hard either way. * As you get older, the more complicated things get. It's almost therapeutic to be doing simple things with the kids. * If you don't go, you'll never know. === ''Robert De Niro: ‘Trump is a real racist, a white supremacist’'' === : David Smith, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/jan/06/robert-de-niro-trump-is-a-real-racist-a-white-supremacist "Robert De Niro: ‘Trump is a real racist, a white supremacist’"], ''The Guardian'', (January 6, 2019) [[File:City_Building_and_Unisphere_--_this_morning_(50155048863)_(cropped).jpg|thumb|I’m older now and I’m just upset about what’s going on. When you see someone like [Trump] becoming president, I thought, well, OK, let’s see what he does – maybe he’ll change. But he just got worse. It showed me that he is a real [[racist]]. I thought maybe as a [[New Yorker]] he understands the [[diversity]] in the [[city]] but he’s as bad as I thought he was before – and much worse. It’s a shame. It’s a bad thing in this [[country]].]] * I’m older now and I’m just upset about what’s going on. When you see someone like [Trump] becoming president, I thought, well, OK, let’s see what he does – maybe he’ll change. But he just got worse. It showed me that he is a real [[racist]]. I thought maybe as a [[New Yorker]] he understands the [[diversity]] in the [[city]] but he’s as bad as I thought he was before – and much worse. It’s a shame. It’s a bad thing in this [[country]]. * If he had his way, we’d wind up in a very bad state in this country. I mean, the way I understand it, they laughed at Hitler. They all look funny. Hitler looked funny, Mussolini looked funny and other dictators and despots look funny. * What bothers me is that there will be people in the future who see him as an example and they’ll be affected in some way, but they’ll be a lot smarter and have many more colours to their personality and be more mercurial and become someone with the same values as he has but able to get much further and do more damage as a despot. That’s my worry. There are people who look up to him: ‘I want to be like him.’ But they’ll do it much better and they’ll be more smart about it. * I mean, a mob boss calls people ‘a rat’. That means you lied and somebody snitched on you, so you did commit the crime. So that’s interesting, and he makes mobsters look bad because there are mobsters who will shake your hand and keep their word. He can’t even do that. * Trump is basic. He’s just a guy who just thinks he can rattle off his mouth and say anything. Well, I want to say the same thing to him: there are people who are going to say the same thing back to you, no matter who you are. * Rupert Murdoch became a citizen of this country; look what he’s contributed by this. This is what he’s going to leave. This is his legacy. It’s disgraceful. He’s cynical, amoral, but he has a responsibility. He came here as an immigrant, technically, and look what he did. You cannot justify having Fox News as a mouthpiece for the government. It’s wrong. It’s beyond disgusting. * You need somebody who’s strong enough to outmouth him – because that’s all he is, mouth – and smart enough and well-informed enough in a debate, say, to override all that nonsense that he does, be-cause basically it’s just name-calling. He has no substance. I don’t know how people fall for it. He’s just a big blowhard. But it ain’t over till it’s over as far as I’m concerned with a guy like him because he’s a dirty player. === ''Robert De Niro on Donald Trump: 'I can't wait to see him in jail''' === : Andrew Pulver, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/oct/11/robert-de-niro-donald-trump-jail-the-irishman-republicans “Robert De Niro on Donald Trump: 'I can't wait to see him in jail'”], ''The Guardian'', (October 11, 2019) * We have a real, immediate problem in that we have a gangster president who thinks he can do any-thing he wants … the problem is, if he actually gets away with it, then we all have a problem. <br> The gall of the people around him who actually defend him, these Republicans, is appalling, and we must do something about it. * It’s a resentment of people [who are] writing about what we see is obvious gangsterism. They don’t like that, so they say: ‘Fuck you, we’re going to teach you people.’ And they have to know they’re going to be taught … they can’t get away with bullying us – people who have common sense and see what is happening in this world, and in this country. They cannot do it. It’s a shame, it’s a shame that [the Republicans] behave so badly.” * Oh, I can’t wait to see him in jail. I don’t want him to die, I want him to go to jail. === ''Robert De Niro Believes Trump Will Start a War So He Can Serve Three Terms as President'' === : Marlow Stern, [https://www.thedailybeast.com/robert-de-niro-believes-trump-will-start-a-war-so-he-can-serve-three-terms-as-president “Robert De Niro Believes Trump Will Start a War So He Can Serve Three Terms as President”], ''The Daily Beast'', (Nov. 20, 2019) * I’m worried because if he gets re-elected, it’s gonna be very, very bad—very bad on a lot of levels. We already have a lot of reparations, if you will—repairs—to do to the damage that he’s already done, and he has to be gotten out. He’s going to be history at one point, though he’d love to be president for life. He jokes about it. I think that if he became president for a second term he’d try to have a third term, and let smarter people manipulate it into getting us into some kind of altercation: a war. * The only other president who served a third term was Roosevelt because he was in a war, and this fool would go and start something. This was what Marty Scorsese was saying, and I said, ‘Marty, I never thought of that. I never thought he’d go for a third term if there was a war or something. Trump joked about being ‘president for life’ with [Chinese president Xi Jinping] and so-on, he’ll pardon anybody, he’ll do anything. The day after he was elected, I went on a TV show and said I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and say that I hope he won’t be as bad as I think he will be, but he’s turned out to be a lot worse. * I’m not really political but I saw when [Trump] would go to those rallies and he’d say, ‘I want to get this person and punch him in the face,’ and I’d think, how dare this person have this kind of a rally? How dare you do that! And I think about [Rupert] Murdoch, and what he did to this country. He’s an immigrant who became a citizen, and look what he contributed? Look what this guy did? It’s disgraceful—beyond disgraceful, beyond cynical. Fox News, it’s all about money and power. At what cost? And you’re not even an American. You’re someone who wanted to be an American, and this is what you gave us? * I’m just so incensed by this guy. He’s conning people every day. It’s a blight on our country. We have a lot of making-up to do to earn back people’s trust, and to get back on track where certain allies will trust us enough to know that we won’t allow an idiot to get in office again. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} *{{imdb name|id=0000134|name=Robert De Niro}} *[http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=1800010759&cf=movies&intl=us Full filmography of De Niro] {{DEFAULTSORT:De Niro, Robert}} [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:1943 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[fa:رابرت دنیرو]] i4wfp6khj7o26fhs8jecn2dzwd7ihmz 3155626 3155623 2022-08-17T20:05:40Z UDScott 4304 need some sources wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert De Niro TFF 2011 Shankbone.JPG|thumb|There’s something more [[powerful]] than [[bombs]], and that’s your [[vote]]. People must vote!]] '''[[w:Robert De Niro|Robert De Niro, Jr.]]''' (born [[August 17]], [[1943]]) is a two-time Academy Award-winning, iconic American film actor, director, producer, and founder of the [[w:Tribeca Film Festival|Tribeca Film Festival]]. He is of Dutch, English, French, German, Irish and Italian descent. == Quotes == * These movies are like my children, except you can't remake my children in 3D to push up the grosses. ** 2011 Golden Globe Awards. [http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/01/16/golden.globes/ CNN], January 16, 2011. * I don’t know, it’s crazy that people like Donald Trump ... he shouldn’t even be where he is, so God help us. What he’s been saying is really totally crazy, ridiculous ... he is totally nuts. But I think now they are really starting to push back, the media ... finally they are starting to say, ‘come on Donald, this is ridiculous, this is nuts, this is insane. ** Sarajevo film festival, (12 Aug 2016) {{source}} * The administration’s mean-spiritedness towards our art and entertainment is an expression of their mean-spirited attitude about people who want that art and entertainment, people who also want and deserve decent wages, a fair tax system, a safe environment, education for their children and healthcare for all. ** 44th annual Chaplin Award acceptance speech, (May 8, 2017) {{source}} * When you started school, the country was an inspiring, uplifting drama. You are graduating into a tragic, dumbass comedy. My advice is to lock the [university’s] Van Wickle gates and stay here. ** Brown University 249th commencement (May 28, 2017) {{source}} * I’m gonna say one thing. Fuck Trump. It’s no longer down with Trump. It’s fuck Trump. ** 72nd Tony Awards, (June 8, 2018) {{source}} * There’s something more [[powerful]] than [[bombs]], and that’s your [[vote]]. People must vote! ** Catherine Shoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2018/oct/26/robert-de-niro-response-bomb-new-york-office “Robert De Niro: 'Votes are more powerful than bombs'”], ''The Guardian'', (October 26, 2018) * We are in a moment in our lives, in this country, where this guy is like a gangster. We say over and over again: ‘This is terrible, we’re in a terrible situation, we’re in a terrible situation,’ and this guy just keeps going on and on and on without being stopped. ** ''Reliable Sources'', ''CNN'', (September 29, 2019) * Give him a chance. That’s what I said right after he was elected. Give him a chance. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. This guy has proven himself to be a total loser. ** ''The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'', ''CBS'', (November 26, 2019) * Even gangsters have [[morals]], and they have [[ethics]]. They have a code, and you know when you give somebody your [[word]], it’s your word, because it’s all you have is your word. [[Donald Trump|This guy]], he doesn’t even know what that means. ** ''The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'', ''CBS'', (November 26, 2019) * It’s Shakespearean, the whole thing. You’ve got a lunatic saying things that people are trying to dance around. <br> It’s appalling. He wants to be reelected. He doesn’t even care how many people die. ** ''Newsnight'', ''BBC'', (May 12, 2020) * He doesn’t care for those people, and the people who he pretends to care about are the people he has the most disdain for. They might like to tell themselves or to delude themselves, but he doesn’t care about them. ** ''Newsnight'', ''BBC'', (May 12, 2020) === ''What I've Learned'' === : [http://www.esquire.com/features/learned/030101_mwi_deniro.html?par=msn_h|esq|emb| ''Esquire''], January 2003. * I like it when interviews are brief. Are we done yet? * Some people say, "New York's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there." I say that about other places. * There's no such thing as not being afraid. * I didn't have a problem with rejection, because when you go into an audition, you're rejected already. There are hundreds of other actors. You're behind the eight ball when you go in there. * The hardest thing about being famous is that people are always nice to you. You're in a conversation and everybody's agreeing with what you're saying—even if you say something totally crazy. You need people who can tell you what you ''don't'' want to hear. * When I'm directing a great dramatic scene, part of me is saying, "Thank God I don't have to do that." Because I know how fucking hard it is to act. It's the middle of the night. It's freezing. You gotta do this scene. You gotta get it up to get to that point. And yet, as a director, you've got to get the actors to that point. It's hard either way. * As you get older, the more complicated things get. It's almost therapeutic to be doing simple things with the kids. * If you don't go, you'll never know. === ''Robert De Niro: ‘Trump is a real racist, a white supremacist’'' === : David Smith, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/jan/06/robert-de-niro-trump-is-a-real-racist-a-white-supremacist "Robert De Niro: ‘Trump is a real racist, a white supremacist’"], ''The Guardian'', (January 6, 2019) [[File:City_Building_and_Unisphere_--_this_morning_(50155048863)_(cropped).jpg|thumb|I’m older now and I’m just upset about what’s going on. When you see someone like [Trump] becoming president, I thought, well, OK, let’s see what he does – maybe he’ll change. But he just got worse. It showed me that he is a real [[racist]]. I thought maybe as a [[New Yorker]] he understands the [[diversity]] in the [[city]] but he’s as bad as I thought he was before – and much worse. It’s a shame. It’s a bad thing in this [[country]].]] * I’m older now and I’m just upset about what’s going on. When you see someone like [Trump] becoming president, I thought, well, OK, let’s see what he does – maybe he’ll change. But he just got worse. It showed me that he is a real [[racist]]. I thought maybe as a [[New Yorker]] he understands the [[diversity]] in the [[city]] but he’s as bad as I thought he was before – and much worse. It’s a shame. It’s a bad thing in this [[country]]. * If he had his way, we’d wind up in a very bad state in this country. I mean, the way I understand it, they laughed at Hitler. They all look funny. Hitler looked funny, Mussolini looked funny and other dictators and despots look funny. * What bothers me is that there will be people in the future who see him as an example and they’ll be affected in some way, but they’ll be a lot smarter and have many more colours to their personality and be more mercurial and become someone with the same values as he has but able to get much further and do more damage as a despot. That’s my worry. There are people who look up to him: ‘I want to be like him.’ But they’ll do it much better and they’ll be more smart about it. * I mean, a mob boss calls people ‘a rat’. That means you lied and somebody snitched on you, so you did commit the crime. So that’s interesting, and he makes mobsters look bad because there are mobsters who will shake your hand and keep their word. He can’t even do that. * Trump is basic. He’s just a guy who just thinks he can rattle off his mouth and say anything. Well, I want to say the same thing to him: there are people who are going to say the same thing back to you, no matter who you are. * Rupert Murdoch became a citizen of this country; look what he’s contributed by this. This is what he’s going to leave. This is his legacy. It’s disgraceful. He’s cynical, amoral, but he has a responsibility. He came here as an immigrant, technically, and look what he did. You cannot justify having Fox News as a mouthpiece for the government. It’s wrong. It’s beyond disgusting. * You need somebody who’s strong enough to outmouth him – because that’s all he is, mouth – and smart enough and well-informed enough in a debate, say, to override all that nonsense that he does, be-cause basically it’s just name-calling. He has no substance. I don’t know how people fall for it. He’s just a big blowhard. But it ain’t over till it’s over as far as I’m concerned with a guy like him because he’s a dirty player. === ''Robert De Niro on Donald Trump: 'I can't wait to see him in jail''' === : Andrew Pulver, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/oct/11/robert-de-niro-donald-trump-jail-the-irishman-republicans “Robert De Niro on Donald Trump: 'I can't wait to see him in jail'”], ''The Guardian'', (October 11, 2019) * We have a real, immediate problem in that we have a gangster president who thinks he can do any-thing he wants … the problem is, if he actually gets away with it, then we all have a problem. <br> The gall of the people around him who actually defend him, these Republicans, is appalling, and we must do something about it. * It’s a resentment of people [who are] writing about what we see is obvious gangsterism. They don’t like that, so they say: ‘Fuck you, we’re going to teach you people.’ And they have to know they’re going to be taught … they can’t get away with bullying us – people who have common sense and see what is happening in this world, and in this country. They cannot do it. It’s a shame, it’s a shame that [the Republicans] behave so badly.” * Oh, I can’t wait to see him in jail. I don’t want him to die, I want him to go to jail. === ''Robert De Niro Believes Trump Will Start a War So He Can Serve Three Terms as President'' === : Marlow Stern, [https://www.thedailybeast.com/robert-de-niro-believes-trump-will-start-a-war-so-he-can-serve-three-terms-as-president “Robert De Niro Believes Trump Will Start a War So He Can Serve Three Terms as President”], ''The Daily Beast'', (Nov. 20, 2019) * I’m worried because if he gets re-elected, it’s gonna be very, very bad—very bad on a lot of levels. We already have a lot of reparations, if you will—repairs—to do to the damage that he’s already done, and he has to be gotten out. He’s going to be history at one point, though he’d love to be president for life. He jokes about it. I think that if he became president for a second term he’d try to have a third term, and let smarter people manipulate it into getting us into some kind of altercation: a war. * The only other president who served a third term was Roosevelt because he was in a war, and this fool would go and start something. This was what Marty Scorsese was saying, and I said, ‘Marty, I never thought of that. I never thought he’d go for a third term if there was a war or something. Trump joked about being ‘president for life’ with [Chinese president Xi Jinping] and so-on, he’ll pardon anybody, he’ll do anything. The day after he was elected, I went on a TV show and said I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and say that I hope he won’t be as bad as I think he will be, but he’s turned out to be a lot worse. * I’m not really political but I saw when [Trump] would go to those rallies and he’d say, ‘I want to get this person and punch him in the face,’ and I’d think, how dare this person have this kind of a rally? How dare you do that! And I think about [Rupert] Murdoch, and what he did to this country. He’s an immigrant who became a citizen, and look what he contributed? Look what this guy did? It’s disgraceful—beyond disgraceful, beyond cynical. Fox News, it’s all about money and power. At what cost? And you’re not even an American. You’re someone who wanted to be an American, and this is what you gave us? * I’m just so incensed by this guy. He’s conning people every day. It’s a blight on our country. We have a lot of making-up to do to earn back people’s trust, and to get back on track where certain allies will trust us enough to know that we won’t allow an idiot to get in office again. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} *{{imdb name|id=0000134|name=Robert De Niro}} *[http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=1800010759&cf=movies&intl=us Full filmography of De Niro] {{DEFAULTSORT:De Niro, Robert}} [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:1943 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[fa:رابرت دنیرو]] arbsqpeav088x03338eqd9916aoio00 0 9553 3155632 3152366 2022-08-17T20:45:40Z 73.245.76.163 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Dialogue == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': ''He stands alone'' :''On a giant throne,'' :''Pretending he's the King.'' :''A little tyke'' :''Who's rather like'' :''A puppet on a string!'' :''And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,'' :''And then he calls for Mom, :''While he's sucking his thumb'' :''You see, he doesn't wanna play.'' :''Too late to be known as John the First,'' :''He's sure to be known as John the Worst.'' :''A pox on that Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread'' :''King Richard's crown'' :''Keeps slipping down'' :''Around that pointed head'' :''Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack'' :''We'll find a way'' :''To make him pay'' :''And steal our money back.'' :''A minute before he knows we're there,'' :''Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!'' :''The snivellin' grovellin','' :''Measly weasly,'' :''Blabberin' jabberin','' :''Gibberin' jabberin','' :''Blunderin' plunderin','' :''Wheelin' dealin','' :''Prince John, that phony King of England!'' :''Yeah!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': Sssire...taxes are pouring in, the jails are full, and - OH! I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I would give all my gold if I could just get my hands on that - ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah. Hiss - I have it. I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] 12kp7jpyngkxvmkbjbh9y2c2nyyh9ww 3155636 3155632 2022-08-17T21:01:22Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Little John == * ''He stands alone<br>On a giant throne,<br>Pretending he's the King.<br>A little tyke<br>Who's rather like<br>A puppet on a string!<br>And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,<br>And then he calls for Mom,<br>While he's sucking his thumb<br>You see, he doesn't wanna play.<br>Too late to be known as John the First,<br>He's sure to be known as John the Worst.<br>A pox on that Phony King of England!'' * ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread<br>King Richard's crown<br>Keeps slipping down<br>Around that pointed head<br>Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack<br>We'll find a way<br>To make him pay<br>And steal our money back.<br>A minute before he knows we're there,<br>Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' * ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!<br>The snivellin' grovellin',<br>Measly weasly,<br>Blabberin' jabberin',<br>Gibberin' jabberin',<br>Blunderin' plunderin',<br>Wheelin' dealin',<br>Prince John, that phony King of England!<br>Yeah!'' == Other == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... == Dialogue == :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': Sssire...taxes are pouring in, the jails are full, and - OH! I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I would give all my gold if I could just get my hands on that - ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah. Hiss - I have it. I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] k12d2fxryczl2qmrf1gfmalbf1gj86i 3155655 3155636 2022-08-17T22:33:03Z 73.245.76.163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Little John == * ''He stands alone<br>On a giant throne,<br>Pretending he's the King.<br>A little tyke<br>Who's rather like<br>A puppet on a string!<br>And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,<br>And then he calls for Mom,<br>While he's sucking his thumb<br>You see, he doesn't wanna play.<br>Too late to be known as John the First,<br>He's sure to be known as John the Worst.<br>A pox on that Phony King of England!'' * ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread<br>King Richard's crown<br>Keeps slipping down<br>Around that pointed head<br>Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack<br>We'll find a way<br>To make him pay<br>And steal our money back.<br>A minute before he knows we're there,<br>Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' * ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!<br>The snivellin' grovellin',<br>Measly weasly,<br>Blabberin' jabberin',<br>Gibberin' jabberin',<br>Blunderin' plunderin',<br>Wheelin' dealin',<br>Prince John, that phony King of England!<br>Yeah!'' == Other == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... == Dialogue == :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John and Hiss are at the castle, not yourself today]'' :'''Hiss''': ''[clear his throat]'' Sire, if I may-- may venture an opinion, you're not your usual cheerful, genial self today. ''[Prince John scowls at him as he brief his moment]'' I-I-I know, I know! You haven't counted your money for your days, hmm? It always makes you so happy. ''[he lift the money taxes up and down of Prince John's chair; clear his throat]'' Sssire...taxes are pouring in, the jail is full, and - OH! I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere; angrily]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I would give all my gold if I could just get my hands on that - ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah! Hiss, I have it! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood. :'''Hiss''': Another trap? :'''Prince John''': Yes, you stupid serpent. Friar Tuck will be led to the gallows at the village square, don't you see. :'''Hiss''': ''[very shocked]'' B-B-But, sire! Hang Friar Tuck?! A man of the church?! :'''Prince John''': Yes, my reluctant reptile, and when our elusive hero tries to rescue the corpulent cleric... ''[laughs evilly]'' ...my men will be ready. ''[laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] 3prvpgabydjaomvtvv3hfh7pn6w0l0n 3155657 3155655 2022-08-17T22:42:20Z 73.245.76.163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Little John == * ''He stands alone<br>On a giant throne,<br>Pretending he's the King.<br>A little tyke<br>Who's rather like<br>A puppet on a string!<br>And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,<br>And then he calls for Mom,<br>While he's sucking his thumb<br>You see, he doesn't wanna play.<br>Too late to be known as John the First,<br>He's sure to be known as John the Worst.<br>A pox on that Phony King of England!'' * ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread<br>King Richard's crown<br>Keeps slipping down<br>Around that pointed head<br>Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack<br>We'll find a way<br>To make him pay<br>And steal our money back.<br>A minute before he knows we're there,<br>Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' * ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!<br>The snivellin' grovellin',<br>Measly weasly,<br>Blabberin' jabberin',<br>Gibberin' jabberin',<br>Blunderin' plunderin',<br>Wheelin' dealin',<br>Prince John, that phony King of England!<br>Yeah!'' == Other == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... == Dialogue == :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John and Hiss are at the castle, not yourself today]'' :'''Hiss''': ''[clear his throat]'' Sire, if I may-- may venture an opinion, you're not your usual cheerful, genial self today. ''[Prince John scowls at him as he brief his moment]'' I-I-I know, I know! You haven't counted your money for your days, hmm? It always makes you so happy. ''[he lift the money taxes up and down of Prince John's chair; clear his throat]'' Sire, taxes are pouring in, the jail is full, and - OH! I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere; angrily]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I would give all my gold if I could just get my hands on-- ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah! Hiss, I have it! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood. :'''Hiss''': Another trap? :'''Prince John''': Yes, you stupid serpent. Friar Tuck will be led to the gallows at the village square, don't you see. :'''Hiss''': ''[very shocked]'' B-B-But, sire! Hang Friar Tuck?! A man of the church?! :'''Prince John''': Yes, my reluctant reptile, and when our elusive hero tries to rescue the corpulent cleric... ''[laughs evilly]'' ...my men will be ready. ''[laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] ilyb08hptpg53fgxze4j0cg2yj4ygrq 3155664 3155657 2022-08-17T22:49:32Z 73.245.76.163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Little John == * ''He stands alone<br>On a giant throne,<br>Pretending he's the King.<br>A little tyke<br>Who's rather like<br>A puppet on a string!<br>And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,<br>And then he calls for Mom,<br>While he's sucking his thumb<br>You see, he doesn't wanna play.<br>Too late to be known as John the First,<br>He's sure to be known as John the Worst.<br>A pox on that Phony King of England!'' * ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread<br>King Richard's crown<br>Keeps slipping down<br>Around that pointed head<br>Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack<br>We'll find a way<br>To make him pay<br>And steal our money back.<br>A minute before he knows we're there,<br>Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' * ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!<br>The snivellin' grovellin',<br>Measly weasly,<br>Blabberin' jabberin',<br>Gibberin' jabberin',<br>Blunderin' plunderin',<br>Wheelin' dealin',<br>Prince John, that phony King of England!<br>Yeah!'' == Other == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... == Dialogue == :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John and Hiss are at the castle, not yourself today]'' :'''Hiss''': ''[clear his throat]'' Sire, if I may-- may venture an opinion, you're not your usual cheerful, genial self today. ''[Prince John scowls at him as he brief his moment]'' I-I-I know, I know! You haven't counted your money for your days, hmm? It always makes you so happy. ''[he lift the money taxes up and down of Prince John's chair; clear his throat]'' Sire, taxes are pouring in, the jail is full. And, oh, I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere; angrily]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I'd give all my gold if I could just get my hands on-- ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah! Hiss, I have it! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood. :'''Hiss''': Another trap? :'''Prince John''': Yes, you stupid serpent. Friar Tuck will be led to the gallows at the village square, don't you see. :'''Hiss''': ''[very shocked]'' B-B-But, sire! Hang Friar Tuck?! A man of the church?! :'''Prince John''': Yes, my reluctant reptile, and when our elusive hero tries to rescue the corpulent cleric... ''[laughs evilly]'' ...my men will be ready. ''[laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] nlhpy1dbmbl6xwwikaxh27a3xpfy0eh 3155721 3155664 2022-08-18T01:33:29Z 73.245.76.163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]''''' is an animated version of the English legend using the animals for the characters, was released by the [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Disney Studios]] on November 8, [[w:1973 in film|1973]]. For instance, the main character in this well-known adaptation is a fox, as is his lover Maid Marian; his foe, Prince John, is a lion, and has a serpent sidekick named Sir Hiss. :Directed by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Produced by [[w:Wolfgang Reitherman|Wolfgang Reitherman]]. Written by [[w:Larry Clemmons|Larry Clemmons]] and [[w:Ken Anderson (movie writer)|Ken Anderson]] {{center|'''What ''really'' happened...''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Little John == * ''He stands alone<br>On a giant throne,<br>Pretending he's the King.<br>A little tyke<br>Who's rather like<br>A puppet on a string!<br>And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,<br>And then he calls for Mom,<br>While he's sucking his thumb<br>You see, he doesn't wanna play.<br>Too late to be known as John the First,<br>He's sure to be known as John the Worst.<br>A pox on that Phony King of England!'' * ''While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread<br>King Richard's crown<br>Keeps slipping down<br>Around that pointed head<br>Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack<br>We'll find a way<br>To make him pay<br>And steal our money back.<br>A minute before he knows we're there,<br>Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...'' * ''The breezy and uneasy king of England!<br>The snivellin' grovellin',<br>Measly weasly,<br>Blabberin' jabberin',<br>Gibberin' jabberin',<br>Blunderin' plunderin',<br>Wheelin' dealin',<br>Prince John, that phony King of England!<br>Yeah!'' == Other == :'''Alan A'Dale''': ''[opening lines]'' Y'know, there's been a heap o' legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what ''really'' happened in Sherwood Forest... == Dialogue == :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? You're taking too many chances. :'''Robin Hood''': Chances? You must be joking! That was just a bit of a lark, Little John. :'''Little John''': Yeah? Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[regarding the arrow in his hat]'' Hello! This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it! They are getting better. :''[Little John breaks the arrow]'' :'''Little John''': Huh, yeah, the next time that sheriff will probably have a rope around our necks! ''[gags and squeeze his neck as he choke himself]'' Pretty hard to laugh hanging there, Rob! :'''Robin Hood''': Ha! The Sheriff and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde! :''[Robin Hood shoots the arrow to Little John's hat in the tree like a target as he ducks]'' :'''Little John''': Hey, watch it, Rob. That's the only hat I've got. :'''Robin Hood''': ''[laying down in the tree]'' Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy. :'''Little John''': You know somethin', Robin? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. :'''Robin Hood''': "Rob"? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. :'''Little John''': Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation! :'''Robin Hood''': Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself! :'''Little John''': The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later. :'''Robin Hood''': What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty? :'''Little John''': ''[groan]'' Well - here we go again... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mother Rabbit''': Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you? :'''Robin Hood''': I only wish I could do more. ''[hands her a small bag of gold]'' Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see. <hr width=50%/> :'''Prince John''': One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are ''walking'' to Nottingham. :'''Hiss''': ''[mutters]'' Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there. <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]'' :'''Hiss''': Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...''[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror]'' Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror. :'''Prince John''': ''[screams]'' Mummy! ''[sucks thumb]'' I've got a dirty thumb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiss''': And you...who might you be, sssir? :'''Little John''': I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. ''[stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth]'' And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. ''[to the prince]'' And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. ''[stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]'' :'''Prince John''': No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down. :'''Little John''': ''[sits on Hiss]'' Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? ''[Pulling out Hiss]'' Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster. :'''Hiss''': Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat! :'''Prince John''': ''[laughs]'' Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester? <hr width=50%/> :'''Little John''': You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one. :'''Hiss''': What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is? <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': ''[dressed as gypsy]'' Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers! :'''Little John''': ''[also dressed as gypsy]'' Fortunes forecast, lucky charms! :'''Robin Hood''': Catch the dope, with your horoscope! :'''Prince John''': Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach! :'''Hiss''': Sssire, sire, they may be bandits. :'''Prince John''': Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... ''[to Robin Hood and Little John]'' My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first. :'''Robin Hood''': Oh, how gracious - ''[kisses hand and removes large ring]'' - and generous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Robin Hood''': And for our honeymoon? England? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Normandy? :'''Maid Marian''': Yes! :'''Robin Hood''': Sunny Spain? :'''Maid Marian''': Oh, why not? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lady Cluck''': Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John! :'''Little John''': Yeah!!! ''[sings]'' ''Oh, the world will sing'' :''Of an English king'' :''A thousand years from now,'' :''And not because'' :''He passed some laws'' :''Or had that lofty brow.'' :''While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,'' :''We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!'' :''Incredible as he is inept,'' :''Whenever the history books are kept'' :''They'll call him the Phony King of England!'' :'''Friar Tuck''': ''A pox on the Phony King of England!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham enters the castle, he's collect all the taxes of them to Sir Hiss of "Keeper of the Royal Treasure".]'' :'''Sheriff''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ He throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have way. He calls for Mom and sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play. Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst! ♪'' ''[to Hiss]'' Am I right? :'''Hiss''': ''[chuckles]'' That's P.J to a "T". Let me try, let me try. ''[lowers his voice; singing mocking Sheriff]'' ''♪ Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst! ♪'' ''[sees an angry Prince John peeking behind a door, with a glass jug of wine in his hand, shrivels, gulps]'' The fabulous, marvelous, merciful, chivalrous! :'''Sheriff''': ''[serious]'' Oh, you've got it all wrong, Hiss. The sniveling, groveling, measly, weaseling. :'''Prince John''': ENOUGH! :''[Prince John throws the glass of jug at the Sheriff, but it hits the wall and the wine rains down on him]'' :'''Sheriff''': But, but, sire, it's a big hit. The whole village is singin' it. :'''Prince John''': ''[starting getting attention]'' Oh, they are, are they? Well, they'll be singing a different tune. Double the taxes! Triple the taxes! ''[grabs Sir Hiss by the neck; angrily moves forward at the Sheriff]'' SQUEEZE every last drop out of those insolent... ''[smiling]'' ...musical peasants! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]'' :'''Friar Tuck''': Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box! :'''Sheriff''': It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. ''[chuckles]'' Every little bit helps. :'''Female Church Mouse''': Ooh, you put that back! :'''Sheriff''': And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister. :'''Friar Tuck''': You thieving scoundrel! :'''Sheriff''': ''[reasonably]'' Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. :'''Friar Tuck''': Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?! :'''Sheriff''': ''[starting to lose patience]'' Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. :'''Friar Tuck''': GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! ''[pushes the Sheriff out]'' Out! Out! Out! Out! ''[Attacking the Sheriff with a stick]'' You want taxes? I'll give you taxes! :'''Male Church Mouse''': Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar! :''[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]'' :'''Sheriff''': You're under arrest for high treason to the crown! <hr width=50%/> :''[Prince John and Hiss are at the castle, not yourself today]'' :'''Hiss''': ''[clear his throat]'' Sire, if I may-- may venture an opinion, you're not your usual cheerful, genial self today. ''[Prince John scowls at him as he brief his moment]'' I-I-I know, I know! You haven't counted your money for your days, hmm? It always makes you so happy. ''[he lift the money taxes up and down of Prince John's chair; clear his throat]'' Sire, taxes are pouring in, the jail is full. And, oh, I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail! :'''Prince John''': ''[throwing money everywhere; angrily]'' FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I'd give all my gold if I could just get my hands on-- ''[pauses, turning to Hiss]'' Did you say Friar Tuck? :'''Hiss''': Did I? Y-y-yes, I did. :'''Prince John''': Ah! Hiss, I have it! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood. :'''Hiss''': Another trap? :'''Prince John''': Yes, you stupid serpent. Friar Tuck will be led to the gallows at the village square, don't you see. :'''Hiss''': ''[very shocked]'' B-B-But, sire! Hang Friar Tuck?! A man of the church?! :'''Prince John''': Yes, my reluctant reptile, and when our elusive hero tries to rescue the corpulent cleric... ''[laughs evilly]'' ...my men will be ready. ''[laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Friar Tuck''': Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero! :'''Robin Hood''': A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! :'''Little John''': That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet! == Taglines == * What ''really'' happened… * Meet Robin Hood and his Merry Men-''agerie''! * Join the Merriest Men''agerie'' in the world's best-loved legend. == Cast == *[[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], a [[w:Fox|fox]]—voice: [[w:Brian Bedford|Brian Bedford]] *[[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]], a [[w:Fox|vixen]]—voice: [[w:Monica Evans|Monica Evans]] *[[w:Little John|Little John]], a [[w:Bear|bear]]—voice: [[w:Phil Harris|Phil Harris]] *[[w:John, King of England#Depictions in fiction|Prince John]], a [[w:Lion|lion]]—voice: [[Peter Ustinov]] *Sir Hiss, a [[w:Snake|snake]]—voice: [[w:Terry-Thomas|Terry-Thomas]] *[[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Nottingham]], a [[w:Wolf|wolf]]—voice: [[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] *[[w:Friar Tuck|Friar Tuck]], a [[w:Badger|badger]]—voice: [[w:Andy Devine|Andy Devine]] *Lady Kluck, a [[w:Chicken|chicken]]—voice: [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] *[[w:Alan-a-Dale|Alan-a-Dale]], a [[w:Rooster|rooster]]—voice: [[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] *The Captain of the Guard, a [[w:Crocodile|crocodile]]—voice: [[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] ==See also== * ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|0070608}} [[Category:1973 films]] [[Category:1970s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films directed by Wolfgang Reitherman]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Vigilante films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] a19cxffkp4yhfk773plu4f6lw4wn44y 0 10479 3155735 3030193 2022-08-18T02:04:48Z 67.7.31.110 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Princess Diaries (film)|The Princess Diaries]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] American [[w:Coming-of-age story|coming-of-age]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] about a girl who finds out that she is the heir apparent to the throne of Genovia. With her friends in tow, she tries to navigate through the rest of her sixteenth year. :''Directed by [[w:Garry Marshall|Garry Marshall]]. Written by Gina Wendkos, based on [[w:Meg Cabot|Meg Cabot]]'s 2000 [[w:Young adult fiction|young adult]] [[w:The Princess Diaries|novel of the same name]].'' <center>'''She rocks. She rules. She reigns.'''</center> == Mia Thermopolis == * Somebody sat on me again! * Please don't crush my soy nuts. * Me? A... A princess? Shut... up!!! * I can't be a princess! I'm still waiting for the normal body parts to arrive! * Just in case I am not enough of a freak already, let's add a tiara! * ''[to her cat, Fat Louie]'' You are so lucky you don't know who your parents are. * You know, most kids hope for a car for their 16th birthday, not a country! * Tell me, how does my mother, or any person for that matter, go into a parent/teacher conference and come out with a date? * I don't want to rule my own country, I just want to pass the tenth grade. * ''[sitting in her broken-down car, in the rain]'' Is this punishment for driving without a licensed driver in the front seat?! ''[sobs and collapses across the front seat]'' I am invisible... and I am wet. * ''(At the Genovian Independence Day Ball)'' Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speech-making. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn't need to know that... but I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening, I had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time. See, if I were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia. == Joe == * No matter how many times you push that button, it will still go up and down the same way. * The flags mean I can park anywhere I want. We keep the flags. * I have never worn pantyhose but it sounds very dangerous. *''[last lines]'' Princess, look out the window... and welcome to Genovia. == Lilly Moscovitz == *''[to Joe]'' You know you look like Shaft? *''[to Mia, after meeting Joe and seeing the limo for the first time]'' Is your mom dating an undertaker? *I'm taking your charm off of my charm bracelet and it's going in the dirt! * Will you come on my cable show? [to Mia after hearing she's a princess] *''[to Michael and Mia]'' Wait up you guys! Wait for me! ''[two other students stop for her]'' Not you, I don't even know you! == PA Annoucements == *Will the Feng Shui club please stop rearranging the tables on the lawn? *Remember, virtual homework may not be submitted for actual credit. == Geraldine Gupta == * ''[on the phone]'' Gupta... mmhh... mmhh... mmhh. ''[hangs up]'' The Queen is coming - to Grove High School. * ''[the cheerleaders freak out when a baseball bounces their way]'' Oh, come on, girls! It's a ball, not a snake. Back in formation! == Nelson Davenport == * Mia Thermopolis is the daughter of local eclectic artist, Helen Thermopolis. They currently live in a refurbished firehouse south of Market Street. Mia is also the only grandchild of Queen Clarisse Renaldi, whose husband, King Rupert, passed away last year. This is Nelson Davenport, KRLH. * No longer does Mia stand for missing in action, Genovia has a new princess! == Others == *'''Helen Thermopolis''': ''[first lines]'' Time for school! Stop daydreaming, you'll be late for school. *'''Paolo Puttanesca''': I love your eyebrows. We'll call them Frida and Kahlo. If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows. *'''Suki Sanchez''': It was just last night that San Francisco's own little princess partied at the beach. But what started out as innocent fun, soon turned into allegedly, too much fun. This is Suki Sanchez for KPFW. *'''Philippe Renaldi (Mia's late father)''': ''[from his letter to Mia for her 16th birthday]'' "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey." == Dialogue == :'''Mia''': Good morning, Mrs. Gupta. :'''Geraldine Gupta''': ''(Looks at Lily)'' Morning, Lily. ''(Looks at Mia)'' ...Lily's friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Julie Andrews|Clarisse]]''': ''(upon first seeing Mia)'' You look so... young. :'''[[w:Anne Hathaway|Mia]]''': Uh, thank you. And you look so... ''(Clarisse raises her eyebrows)'' clean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': Now, what did you want to tell me? :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': Something that, I think, will have a very big impact upon your life. :'''Mia''': I already had braces. :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': No, it's bigger than orthodontia. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': Helen, if Amelia refuses to accept the throne, then Genovia will cease to exist as we know it. :'''Helen Thermopolis''': So the future of your country is in the hands of my 15-year-old? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': ''[sees Clarisse in her house]'' Oh, this is a nightmare! I'm going back to bed! ''[starts to walk out]'' :'''Helen Thermopolis''': ''[desperately]'' Mia, the-the three of us have to talk. :'''Mia''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, OK. Um, is there maybe something else about me and my life that just maybe I might want to know about? Um-oh no, are you two waiting to take me on a talk show somewhere and to let me know I have a twin sister who's a duchess? :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': You have a cousin who's a contessa. Fondly known as Bartholomew. Actually, we call him Pookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mia storms out in the middle of their conversation to the attic]'' :'''Clarisse''': Where is she going? :'''Helen''': The tower. ''[runs after Mia]'' Mia, you can't run away from everything! :'''Clarisse''': ''[to herself]'' She has a tower? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen Thermopolis''': This is getting us nowhere! Talk to me! :'''Mia''': I can't talk to you right now. I'm late for a meeting with my guidance counselor. :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': I'm late for a meeting with Spain and Portugal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': Joe, can you drop us off a block from the school? I don't want to cause a riot with this hearse. :'''Joe''': This is a non-riot hearse. If it were a hearse, there would be silence in the backseat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': I can't do this, I'm a girl! :'''Anita Harbula''': What am I, a duck? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': Hey, Joe? :'''Joe''': Mm-hmmm? :'''Mia''': I'm gonna turn the backseat into a dressing room so I can change into a proper outfit for Madame, OK? :'''Joe''': OK. And don't forget your shoes. ''[hands Mia her new shoes]'' :'''Mia''': Ahh, thanks. :'''Joe''': Strange town, San Francisco. When I purchased the pumps, they asked if I wanted them wrapped or if I was going to wear them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe is teaching Mia how to dance.]'' :'''Joe''': This is betweeen a waltz and a tango. :'''Mia''': It's a wango? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Mia's makeover, Paolo takes off her glasses]'' :'''Paolo''': Do you wear contact lenses? :'''Mia''': Well, I have them, but I don't like to wear them that much. :'''Paolo''': ''[breaks Mia's glasses in half]'' Now you do! :'''Mia''': ''[in shock]'' You broke my glasses! :'''Paolo''': You broke my brush. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after giving Mia a makeover]'' :'''Paolo''': ''[to Queen Clarisse]'' Your Majesty, Paolo is exhausted. ''[points at two pictures of Mia]'' Because your majesty, only Paolo can take this and this, and give you... :'''Gretchen and Helga''': A princess. ''[they moved the pictures to reveal a pampered Mia]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. :'''Mia''': Eleanor Roosevelt said that. :'''Joe''': Ah, yes. Another special lady like yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': ''[after Mia, Prime Minister Motaz, and Sheila Motaz make a scene from eating the ice cream too quickly]'' Have you ever experienced that ''instant'' headache when you eat ice too quickly? :'''Emperor Sakamoto''': ''[briefly shakes his head]'' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mia accidently runs into a trolley with her car]'' :'''Nun #1''': ''[on her cell phone]'' 911, I'd like to report an accident... They put me on hold! :'''Nun #2''': Oh, for the love of God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mia''': ''[on her green bathing suit]'' Okay I look like an asparagus. :'''Helen Thermopolis''': But a very, very cute asparagus! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': Do we have any problems? :'''Charlotte Kutaway''': ''[overenthusiastically]'' No, everything's perfect. Perfect. It's wonderful. :'''Clarisse Renaldi''': You're not very good at lying, Charlotte. :'''Charlotte Kutaway''': No, I'm not, your Majesty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Why me? :'''Mia''': Because you saw me when I was invisible. == Cast == *[[Julie Andrews]] as [[w:Clarisse Renaldi|Clarisse Renaldi]], Mia's grandmother and reigning Queen of Genovia *[[Anne Hathaway]] as [[w:Mia Thermopolis|Mia Thermopolis]], heir to the throne and Princess of Genovia *[[w:Héctor Elizondo|Héctor Elizondo]] as Joe, Clarisse's head of security and Mia's limousine driver *[[w:Heather Matarazzo|Heather Matarazzo]] as Lilly Moscovitz, Mia's eccentric and socially conscious childhood best friend *[[w:Robert Schwartzman|Robert Schwartzman]] as Michael Moscovitz, Lilly's older brother who harbors romantic feelings for Mia *[[w:Mandy Moore|Mandy Moore]] as Lana Thomas, a popular cheerleader who bullies Mia and other students *[[w:Caroline Goodall|Caroline Goodall]] as Helen Thermopolis, Mia's mother; an artist *[[w:Erik von Detten|Erik von Detten]] as Josh Bryant, a popular, egotistical student on whom Mia develops a crush * [[w:Patrick Flueger|Patrick Flueger]] as Jeremiah Hart, a friend of Mia and Lilly's; an aspiring magician * [[w:Sean O'Bryan|Sean O'Bryan]] as Patrick O'Connell, Mia's English teacher who begins to date Helen * [[w:Sandra Oh|Sandra Oh]] as Geraldine Gupta, vice principal of Mia's school * Kathleen Marshall as Charlotte Kutaway, Clarisse's secretary * Mindy Burbano as Anita Harbula, Mia's gym teacher * [[René Auberjonois]] as the voice of Philippe Renaldi, Mia's late father and former Prince of Genovia :* Gerald Hathaway, Hathaway's father, portrays Philippe in photographs and flashbacks * [[w:Larry Miller (comedian)|Larry Miller]] as Paolo Puttanesca, Mia's hairdresser and beautician * Patrick Richwood as Mr. Robutusen, Mia's neighbor; a writer * Mayor [[w:Willie Brown (politician)|Willie Brown]] as himself * Fat Louie as himself, Mia's cat == Taglines == * She rocks. She rules. She reigns. * From the director of ''[[Pretty Woman]]'' and ''[[Runaway Bride]]'' * For every girl who's never dreamed of being a princess ==See also== * ''[[The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement]]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia|The Princess Diaries (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0247638|title=The Princess Diaries}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Princess Diaries}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Teen comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in San Francisco]] [[Category:High school films]] [[Category:Films directed by Garry Marshall]] ivzpcforq0cdqkx6vra0bnob4641dd4 0 11399 3155586 2966263 2022-08-17T14:32:39Z 199.82.243.90 /* Balki Bartokomous */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{tv-cleanup|2008-07-23}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Perfect_Strangers_(TV_series)|Perfect Strangers]]''''' (1986-93) is an American sitcom that ran for eight seasons from [[March 25]], [[1986]], to [[August 6]], [[1993]], on the ABC television network. Created by [[w:Dale McRaven|Dale McRaven]], the series chronicles the rocky coexistence of midwestern American Larry Appleton (Mark Linn-Baker) and his distant cousin from eastern [[w:Mediterranean Europe|Mediterranean Europe]], Balki Bartokomous (Bronson Pinchot). == Balki Bartokomous == * '''[[w:Perfect Strangers|Balki Bartokomous]]:''' Well of course not, don't be ridiculous. * "You don't know what kind of good fellow you dumping to the birds! He was always loyal to you, he make everything perfect for you and you won't find anyone to do better! His only mistake was to be good friend to me. But the customer likes him and that's why they come back! And if you let this good person walk out that door you're makin' one big mistake, ghostbuster!" * "Patience is a virgin." * "You do that again and you're in big trouble!" * "I'm in debt. I am a true American." * "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!" * "America! Land of my dreams, home of the Whopper!" (''from the debut episode'') * ''[dazed]'' "Oh, I'll put that in your car for you." * "Liar, liar, pants for hire." * "Oh, give me a line of credit!" * "Get out of the city!" * "It's gonna be kind of hard to save you from here." * "Once in a while when I know my Mypos family is all together then I wish I was in my chair at the table, because Papa sits here and Uncle Stavlos sits there and it’s a place of honor, you know." == Larry Appleton == * '''[[w:Perfect Strangers|Larry]]:''' Oh, my Lord! * "I have... a plan." * "Watch... and learn." * "Who'd ever heard of a burglar wearing a baseball cap?" * "Okay, okay, fine! You ''didn't'' lock me in the closet, there was ''no-one'' at the door, we are not having this conversation. This whole day has been some cosmic cruelty joke. Ha ha, ''fine!'' Oh, and if Tony Perkins shows up wearing a house-dress and carrying a ''very large'' kitchen knife... Tell him ''I'm in the shower!'' * "Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest. It's like Tokyo inviting Godzilla for dinner." * "W-well, actually, there is something I... I wanted to talk to you about. But things have been so crazy around here that... it just hasn't been a-a good time. But, I just wanted to-" ''[He looks and sees that Balki has fallen asleep]'' "I just wanted to know what you thought about Jennifer and I, you know? I dunno, is she interested in me, or...?" * "Look, this is America. We make things a lot more complicated." == Mary-Anne Spencer == * '''Mary-Anne Spencer''': You know, having a ghost would explain so many things. Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on. * [''Larry has asked the gang to help bake 2,000 Bibbi-Bobka's to be sold to a restaurant''] <br> '''Jennifer Lyons:''' Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are? <br> '''Mary-Anne:''' [''instantly''] One-hundred and sixty-six and two-thirds dozen. [''off their looks''] My father was a carpenter. * "Sometimes late at night I start to make sense." == Dialogue == : '''Balki:''' Well cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [''pause''] Why aren't you laughing? :'''Larry:''' [''stony-faced''] It's hard to laugh with one lip. &mdash; ''"The Break In", Season Three'' :'''Balki:''' What do the directions say? :'''Larry:''' [''haughtily''] Directions? I threw them out. My father has made it through his whole life without ever reading a set of directions. He once rewired the entire house without directions. <br> '''Balki:''' Isn't that the house that burned to the ground? :'''Larry:''' [''sheepishly''] They never proved it was the wiring. &mdash; ''"Pipe Dreams", Season Three'' :[''Larry is hanging by the neck of his jacket.''] :'''Larry:''' Alright, Balki, now help me down. :'''Balki:''' [''excited''] Cousin, do it for me, please? :'''Larry:''' [''wearily''] No, no... :'''Balki:''' Oh, please! Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way to the Emerald City? <br> '''Larry:''' 'Some people go that way, and some people go that way...' :'''Balki''', '''Larry:''' '...But, of course, people do go ''both ways''!' :'''Balki''': [''gleefully''] I love it! I love it! &mdash; ''"That Old Gang of Mine", Season Three'' :'''Balki''': Cousin, I should have listened to you when you told me not to join the Motor Psychos. :'''Larry''': Well, I can understand why you did it. It's the only thing that kept your mind off Mary Anne. ''[Balki doubles over, sobbing]'' Oops. &mdash; ''"That Old Gang of Mine", Season Three'' :'''Balki:''' You know, I really admire you.<br> :'''Larry:''' Why is that?. :'''Balki:''' Well, because first... you're willing to give up your bedroom to a woman I hardly know....''(Larry looks at Balki in surprise)''. :'''Balki:''' ''(cotd.)'' ... and then for me, your friend, you're willing to sleep on the hot side of the bed. ''(Larry begins to lie down, then thinks about it and sits back up again.)''. :'''Larry:''' What do you mean, the hot side of the bed?. :'''Balki:''' Well, about 6:00 in the morning... see that little hole in the drapes? The sun comes through that and bores a hole right through your head like a laser beam. &mdash; ''"Hello Baby", Season Two'' :[''Unknown to Sam, Balki has been hypnotised and thinks he is Elvis Presley''] :'''Sam Gorphley:''' If you don't start acting like yourself by the time I count to three, ''you'' are out of a job! ''One''... :'''Balki:''' For the money! :'''Sam:''' ''Two''... :'''Balki:''' For the show! &mdash; ''"The King and I", Season Four'' :'''Larry''': Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out. ''[ Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti sits on the end of the couch to watch closely]'' :'''Balki''': This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back. ''[Larry walks across the room in a sultry manner, then eyes Balki as Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and reaches out to Larry]'' Edwina, you look lovely this evening. ''[Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer]'' That dress brings out your eyes. :'''Mr. Twinkacetti''': I'm gonna throw up. ''[He gets up]'' :'''Balki''': ''[sternly]'' Sit down, Turnip! ''[Mr. Twinkacetti obediently does so]'' :'''Larry''': ''[in a feminine voice]'' Donald . . . the Mambo Room. How sweet of you to remember. :'''Balki''': How could I forget, my pet? ''[He and Larry step closer. Larry turns his back to Balki and they take two steps forward in unison. Balki then pulls Larry to one side]'' It seems like only yesterday . . . you're as beautiful as you were then. ''[He pulls Larry to the other side]'' No! I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful! :'''Larry''': I am? :'''Balki''': You are. :'''Larry''': I am? :'''Balki''': You are. :'''Larry''': I am? :'''Balki''': You... Of course you are, don't be ridiculous. :'''Larry''': Donald, I forgot how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out? [He gasps and looks straight into Balki's eyes] Take me! :'''Balki''': I don't think so. &mdash; ''"Since I Lost My Baby", Season Two'' :'''Larry:''' Say, Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot. :'''Balki:''' [''confused''] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot. :'''Larry:''' It was going to be a surprise. &mdash; ''"The Karate Kids", Season Three'' :'''Larry:''' ... We have the element of surprise. :'''Balki:''' You're right there, cousin: even we don't know what we're doing. :''[Larry does a rhumba with Balki]'' :'''Balki''': Stop! COUSIN!... You are a man repossessed! :'''Larry''': ''And loving it!'' Balki, rhumba tempo! We've got to get these bibbibabkas ''baked''! :'''Balki''': Cousin! It's too fast! And besides, shouldn't ''I'' be leading? &mdash; ''"Just Desserts", Season Three'' :'''Larry''': If you can't take the heat... then get out of my kitchen. :'''Balki''': Fine. You've baked your cake. Now lie in it. &mdash; ''"Just Desserts", Season Three'' :'''Larry''': Don't come any closer! ''[He tries to smash a bottle against a table to use as a weapon, but can't quite manage. Cobra grabs the bottle and smashes it over his head]'' :'''Cobra''': Is ''that'' what you were tryin' to do? ''[A short pause]'' :'''Larry''': ''[simultaneously]'' Well, I wasn't going for the head. I was going for the... ''[He mimes smashing a bottle against a table]'' hoping for a jagged edge... something I could brandish about... :'''Balki''': ''[simultaneously]'' No, you were going like this... there's a system to it... we had that whole discussion about the relaxation of the wrist and the elongation of this muscle right here, but, you know, sometimes the label covers over the part of the bottle... :'''Balki''', '''Larry''': ''[in unison]'' Yes, that was it! &mdash; ''"That Old Gang of Mine", Season Three'' :''[Balki has placed his toy sheep on the pillow next to him so when Larry lays down and turns his head the sheep's bottom is in his face]'' :'''Larry''': What's in my face? :''[Balki holds up the sheep for Larry to see]'' :'''Balki''': Dimitri. He always sleeps with me. ''[He makes Dimitri bounce toward Larry]'' Ding dang dang. :'''Larry''': Not tonight. ''[He takes Dimitri and drops him callously on the floor]'' :'''Balki''': I say my prayers now. ''[He crawls out of bed, kneels beside it and clasps his hands together in prayer]'' God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life. ''[He bounds back into bed, throws the covers over himself and cringes]'' &mdash; ''"Hello, Baby", Season Two'' :'''Balki''': We witnessed the miracle of birth. :'''Larry''': ''You'' witnessed the miracle of birth. ''I'' took one look and passed out. Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic. :'''Larry''': I'll hold the wrench, you've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. :'''Balki''': ''[incredulously]'' Come again? :'''Larry''': When I nod my head, you hit it. :'''Balki''': ''[appalled]'' I can't do that! :'''Larry''': Balki, don't make this complicated. I'll hold the wrench. You've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. You hit it! ''[Balki starts crying]'' Now do you understand? :'''Balki''': ''[nervously clutching the hammer]'' Yes! :'''Larry''': Ready? :'''Balki''': ''[still crying]'' Yes! ''[Balki raises the hammer and waits for Larry's cue. Larry nods his head. Balki raises the hammer to strike]'' :'''Larry''': WAIT! ''[Balki stands with the hammer raised, confused]'' What are you doing? ''[Balki lowers the hammer]'' :'''Balki''': You said that when you nod your head I'm supposed to hit it. :'''Larry''': The WRENCH! HIT THE WRENCH! ''[He snatches the hammer from his confused cousin's hand. He places a hand to his head, frustrated]'' I'll do it myself. &mdash; ''"Pipe Dreams", Season Three'' :'''Larry''': And why are you going to get what you want? :'''Balki''': Because I’m selfish! :'''Larry''': And why are you selfish? :'''Balki''': Because I want to make people HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! ''[He shakes Larry vigorously back and forth]'' :'''Larry''': Yes! Yes! You've got it! &mdash; ''"Assertive Training", Season Four'' :''(note: Bronson Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker accidentally injured each other while filming this scene)'' :''[Balki opens a box and an inflatable woman inflates in their faces, spreading out to take up a portion of the trunk with them]'' :'''Balki''': You... you live with someone for five years, and you think you know them... :'''Larry''': Balki... :'''Balki''': Then you spend a night in a car trunk with them. :'''Larry''': Balki, this is not what you think. :'''Balki''': ''[angrily]'' It's not an inflatable woman? :'''Larry''': ... Well, yes it is. :'''Balki''': Does the lady have a name? :'''Larry''': I use this so I can drive in the car pool lane when I'm driving alone. &mdash ''"Car Tunes", Season Seven'' [[Category:1980s American sitcoms]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] slsapiik20evo6kmyskfjrvv33bouyp 0 11861 3155599 3118516 2022-08-17T16:34:29Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* Cemetery World (1973) */ added version information wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Clifford Simak WS 3112.jpg|thumb|right|Simak as pictured in ''Wonder Stories'' in 1931.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Without [[consciousness]] and [[intelligence]], the [[universe]] would lack [[meaning]].]] '''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Clifford Donald Simak]]''' ([[3 August]] [[1904]] – [[25 April]] [[1988]]) was an American science fiction writer, and a winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards. [[File:Spacecolony3edit.jpeg|thumb|right|It would seem to me that by the [[time]] a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no [[economic]] [[necessity]] of its doing so.]] == Quotes == [[File:LightRefractsOf comb-rows of ctenophore Mertensia ovum.jpg|thumb|right|When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the [[universe]].]] [[File:Crystal DNA.jpg|thumb|right|We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...]] * '''When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the universe. It is only of life on Earth, however, that one can speak with any certainty. It seems to me that all life on Earth, the sum total of life upon the Earth, has purpose.''' If the means were available, we could trace our ancestry — yours and mine — back to the first blob of life-like material that came into being on the planet. The same thing could be done for the spider that spun his web in the grass, and of the grass in which the web was spun, the bird sitting in the tree and the tree in which he sits, the toad waiting for the fly beneath the bush, and for the fly and bush. '''We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...''' ** Interview in ''Speaking of Science Fiction: The Paul Walker Interviews'' (1978) * '''I have tried at times to place humans in perspective against the vastness of universal time and space.''' I have been concerned with where we, as a race, may be going and what may be our purpose in the universal scheme — if we have a purpose. In general, I believe we do, and perhaps an important one. ** As quoted in the Associated Press obituary (27 April 1988) === Short Fiction === ==== Skirmish (1977) ==== :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Berkley </small> * My reluctance to use alien invasion is due to the feeling that we are not likely to be invaded and taken over. It would seem to me that by the time a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no economic [[necessity]] of its doing so. By the time it was able to go into deep space, it must have arrived at an energy source which would not be based on planetary natural resources. ** Introduction (p. ix) * “McKay tells me that you went home sick,” she said. “Personally, I hope you don’t survive.” ** “Skirmish” (p. 44); originally published in [[w:Amazing Stories|Amazing Stories]], December 1950 * There have been moments when I also wasn’t able to attach as much importance to football as it seemed to me I should. ** “The Sitters” (p. 73); originally published in [[w:Galaxy Science Fiction|Galaxy Science Fiction]], April 1958 * Beyond his own sure knowledge, he had not a shred of proof. ** “The Sitters” (p. 90) * He sat and watched them come and he thought of going in to get a rifle, but he didn’t stir from his seat upon the steps. The rifle would do no good, he told himself. It would be a senseless thing to get it; more than that, a senseless attitude. The least that man could do, he thought, was to meet these creatures of another world with clean and empty hands. ** “[[w:The Big Front Yard|The Big Front Yard]]” (pp. 142-143); originally published in [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Astounding Science Fiction]], October 1958 [[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|right|He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.]] * '''Once again the universe was spread far out before him and it was a different and in some ways a better universe, a more diagrammatic universe, and in time, he knew, if there were such a thing as time, he'd gain some completer understanding and acceptance of it. <br>He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.''' <br>He thought with pity of those others locked inside the ship, safe behind its insulating walls, never knowing all the glories of the innards of a star or the vast panoramic sweep of vision and of knowing far above the flat galactic plane. <br>Yet he really did not know what he saw or probed; he merely sensed and felt it and became a part of it, and it became a part of him — he seemed unable to reduce it to a formal outline of fact or of dimension or of content. It still remained a knowledge and a power so overwhelming that it was nebulous. There was no fear and no wonder, for in this place, it seemed, there was neither fear nor wonder. And he finally knew that it was a place apart, a world in which the normal space-time knowledge and emotion had no place at all and a normal space-time being could have no tools or measuring stick by which he might reduce it to a frame of reference. <br>There was no time, no space, no fear, no wonder — and no actual knowledge, either. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (p. 165); originally published in [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction|The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction]], March 1960 * '''Perhaps all that had happened had been no more than the working out of human destiny. If the human race could not attain directly the paranormal power he held, this instinct of the mind, then they would gain it indirectly through the agency of one of their creations.''' Perhaps this, after all, unknown to Man himself, had been the prime purpose of the robots. <br>He turned and walked slowly down the length of village street, his back turned to the ship and the roaring of the captain, walked contentedly into this new world he'd found, into this world that he would make — not for himself, nor for robotic glory, but for a better Mankind and a happier. <br>Less than an hour before he'd congratulated himself on escaping all the traps of Earth, all the snares of Man. Not knowing that the greatest trap of all, the final and the fatal trap, lay on this present planet. <br>But that was wrong, he told himself. The trap had not been on this world at all, nor any other world. It had been inside himself. <br> He walked serenely down the wagon-rutted track in the soft, golden afternoon of a matchless autumn day, with the dog trotting at his heels. <br> Somewhere, just down the street, the sick baby lay crying in its crib. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (pp. 190-191); closing words. * Accident, he wondered, or a way of hiding? Trapped or planned? He had no way of knowing and further speculation was ridiculous, based as it necessarily must be upon earlier assumptions that were entirely without support. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (pp. 211-212); originally published in [[w:If (magazine)|Worlds of If]], March 1970 * First there was space—endless, limitless space, so far from everything, so brutal, so frigid, so uncaring that it numbed the mind, not so much from fear or loneliness as from the realization that in this eternity of space the thing that was himself was dwarfed to an insignificance no yardstick could measure. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (p. 220) * The old and the young, he thought. The old, who do not care; the young, who do not think. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 250); originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, October 1971 * In the east the [[moon]] was rising, a full moon that lighted the landscape so that he could see every little clump of bushes, every grove of trees. And as he stood there, he realized with a sudden start that the moon was full again, that it was always full, it rose with the setting of the sun and set just before the sun came up, and it was always a great pumpkin of a moon, an eternal harvest moon shining on an eternal autumn world. <br> The realization that this was so all at once seemed shocking. How was it that he had never noticed this before? Certainly he had been here long enough, had watched the moon often enough to have noticed it. He had been here long enough — and how long had that been, a few weeks, a few months, a year? He found he did not know. He tried to figure back and there was no way to figure back. There were no temporal landmarks. Nothing ever happened to mark one day from the next. [[Time]] flowed so smoothly and so uneventfully that it might as well stand still. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 251) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Time and Again]]'' (1951) === :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (catalogue number 81000) </small> * '''There is [[mystery]] here, but a soft, sure mystery that is understood and only remains a mystery because I want it so.''' The mystery of the nighthawk against a darkening [[sky]], the puzzle of the [[firefly]] along the lilac hedge. ** Chapter I (p. 6) * They are worse than the disinherited. They are not the has-beens, they are the never-weres. ** Chapter II (p. 14) * “You do not belong to any bona fide [[religion]] that prohibits killing?”<br>“I presume I could classify myself as a [[Christian]],” said Sutton. “I [[believe]] there is a Commandment about killing.”<br> The robot shook his head. “It doesn’t count.”<br>“It is clear and specific,” Sutton argued. “It says, ‘Thou shalt not kill.’”<br>“It is all of that,” the robot told him. “But it has been discredited. You humans discredited it yourselves. You never obeyed it. '''You either obey a [[law]] or you forfeit it. You can’t forget it with one breath and invoke it with the next.'''” ** Chapter V (pp. 27-28) * '''The chain of [[life]] runs smoothly from one generation to the next and none of the links stand out except here and there a link one sees by accident.''' ** Chapter XII (p. 72) * As he looked, Sutton felt the cold hand of loneliness reach down with icy fingers to take him in its grip. For here was sheer, mad loneliness such as he had never dreamed. '''Here was the very negation of life and motion, here was the stark, bald beginning when there was no life, nor even [[thought]] of life.''' Here anything that knew or thought or moved was an alien thing, a disease, a cancer on the face of [[nothingness]]. ** Chapter XIX (p. 99) * I have not long to live. I have lasted more than a man’s average allotted span, and while I still am hale and hearty, I know full well the [[hand]] of [[time]], while it may miss a man at one reaping, will get him at the next. ** Chapter XXI (p. 107) * I’m just a propagandist and a propagandist doesn’t have to know what he is talking about, just so he talks about it most convincingly. ** Chapter XXIV (p. 124) * “It’s a wonder to me,” said Adams sourly, “that you don’t simply melt down in the white heat of your brilliance.” ** Chapter XXV (p. 134) * It would be three-dimensional chess with a million billion squares and a million pieces, and with the [[rules]] changing ever move. ** Chapter XXV (p. 135) * And [[death]] was a soft thing, soft and black, cool and sweet and gracious. He slipped into it as a swimmer slips into the surf and it closed over him and held him and he felt the pulse and beat of it and knew the vastness and sureness of it. ** Chapter XXVI (p. 139) * Sutton sensed [[resurrection]] and he fought against it, for death was so comfortable. Like a soft, warm bed. And resurrection was a strident, insistent, maddening alarm clock that shrilled across the predawn chill of a dreadful, frowzy room. Dreadful with its life and its bare [[reality]] and its sharp, sickening reminder that one must get up and walk into reality again. ** Chapter XXVIII (p. 143) * [[Dreams]], she said. Broken dreams are bad enough. But the dream that has no [[hope]]...the dream that is doomed long before it’s broken, that’s the worst of all. ** Chapter XXXV (p. 183) * And here and there a [[human]] who saw the [[Righteousness|rightness]] of the proposition that [[Man]] could not, by mere [[self]]-assertion, be a special being; [[understanding]] that it was to his greater [[glory]] to take his place among the other things of life, as a simple thing of life, as a form of life that could lead and teach and be a [[friend]] rather than a thing that conquered and ruled and stood as one apart. ** Chapter XXXIX (p. 195) * '''Before Man goes to the [[stars]] he should learn how to live on [[Earth]].''' ** Chapter XLI (p. 204) * “[[Propaganda]],” Trevor said. “Let’s call it [[psychology]]. You say a thing so often and so well that after a time everyone believes it. Even, finally, yourself.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 215) * “It wouldn’t be the [[truth]],” said Sutton.<br>“That,” said Trevor, “doesn’t have a thing to do with it.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 220) * [[Memory]] and dust, he thought, link us to the [[past]]. ** Chapter XLIII (p. 224) === ''[[w:City (Clifford D. Simak novel)|City]]'' (1952) === [[File:Halo - Falköping - Sweden 2003.jpg|thumb|right|These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north.]] [[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|right|You travel back along the line of time and you don't find the past, but another [[world]], another bracket of consciousness.]] :<small> This is a fixup novel; the eight chapters correspond to eight previously published stories. Many editions of the novel have been published. </small> :<small> Won the [[w:International Fantasy Award|1953 International Fantasy Award]]. </small> :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (#10621) </small> * These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north. ** Editor’s Preface (p. 5) * Most authorities in [[economics]] and [[sociology]] regard such an organization as a city an impossible structure, not only from the economic standpoint, but from the sociological and psychological as well. No creature of the highly nervous structure necessary to develop a culture, they point out, would be able to survive within such restricted limits. The result, if it were tried, these authorities say, would lead to mass neuroticism which in a short period of time would destroy the very culture which had built the city. ** Notes on the First Tale (pp. 9-10) * These people must be helped to find themselves in this new world, but they must not know that they’re being helped. To let them know would destroy confidence and dignity, and human dignity is the keystone of any civilization. ** Chapter 1, “City” (p. 31) * “You sound like a rugged individualist,” said Webster.<br>“You say that like you think it’s funny,” yapped the mayor.<br>“I do think it’s funny,” said Webster. “Funny, and tragic, that anyone should think that way today.”<br>“The world would be a lot better off with some rugged individualism,” snapped the mayor. “Look at the men who have gone places—”<br>“Meaning yourself?” asked Weber.<br>“You might take me, for example,” Carter agreed. “I worked hard. I took advantage of opportunity. I had some foresight. I did—”<br>“You mean you licked the correct boots and stepped in the proper faces,” said Webster. “You’re the shining example of the kind of people the world doesn’t want today. You positively smell musty, your ideas are so old. You’re the last of the politicians, Carter, just as I was the last of the Chamber of Commerce secretaries. Only you don’t know it yet. I did. I got out. Even when it cost me something, I got out, because I had to save my self-respect. Your kind of politics is dead. They are dead because any tinhorn with a loud mouth and a brassy front could gain power by appeal to mob psychology. And you haven’t got mob psychology any more. You can’t have mob psychology when people don’t give a damn what happens to a thing that’s dead already—a political system that broke down under its own weight.” ** Chapter 1, “City” (pp. 34-35) * To cover up actual lack of knowledge, the tale develops an explanation which amounts to divine intervention. It is an easy and, to the primitive mind, a plausible and satisfactory way to explain something of which nothing at all is known. ** Notes on the Third Tale (p. 69) * Bit by bit, as the legend unfolds, the reader gets a more accurate picture of the human race. By degrees, one gains the conviction that here is a race which can be little more than pure fantasy. It is not the kind of race which could rise from humble beginnings to the eminence of culture with which it is gifted in these tales. Its equipment is too poor.<br>So far it lack of stability has become apparent. Its preoccupation with a mechanical civilization rather than with a culture based on some of the sounder, more worthwhile concepts of life indicates a lack of basic character.<br>And now, in this tale, we learn of the limited communications which it possessed, a situation which certainly is not conducive to advancement. Man’s inability to understand and appreciate the thought and the viewpoint of another man would be a stumbling block which no amount of mechanical ability could overcome. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 119) * Man was engaged in a mad scramble for power and knowledge, but nowhere is there any hint of what he meant to do with it once he had attained it. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 120) * Individualists would have little use for a device which would make them understand one another, for they would not care whether they understood one another. ** Chapter 5, “Paradise” (p. 139) * One [[world]] and then another, running like a chain. One world treading on the heels of another world that plodded just ahead. One world’s tomorrow, another world’s today. And yesterday is tomorrow, and tomorrow is the past.<br>Except, there wasn’t any past. No past, that was, except the figment of remembrance that flitted like a night-winged thing in the shadow of one’s mind. No past that one could reach. No pictures painted on the wall of time. No film that one could run backwards and see what-once-had-been...<br>One road was open, but another road was closed. Not closed, of course, for it had never been. For there wasn’t any past, there never had been any, there wasn’t room for one. Where there should have been a past there was another world. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 195-196) * “There isn’t any room,” said Joshua. “You travel back along the line of time and you don’t find the past, but another world, another bracket of consciousness. The earth would be the same, you see, or almost the same. Same trees, same rivers, same hills, but it wouldn’t be the world we know. Because it has lived a different life, it has developed differently. The second back of us is not the second back of us at all, but another second, a totally separate sector of time. We live in the same second all the time. We move along within the bracket of that second, that tiny bit of time that has been allotted to our particular world.” ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 206-207) * We thought all the [[time]] that we were passing through time when we really weren’t, when we never have. We’ve just been moving along with time. We said, there’s another second gone, there’s another minute and another hour and another day, when, as a matter of fact the second or the minute or the hour was never gone. It was the same one all the time. It had just moved along and we had moved with it. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 207) * The past, he said. The past is too much with me. And the past has made me useless. I have too much to remember—so much to remember that it becomes more important than the things there are to do. I’m living in the past and that is no way to live. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 201) * What is a bow and arrow?<br>It is the beginning of the end. It is the winding path that grows to the roaring road of war.<br>It is a plaything and a weapon and a triumph in human engineering.<br>It is the first faint stirring of an atom bomb.<br>It is a symbol of a way of life. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 210) ===''[[w:Ring Around the Sun|Ring Around the Sun]]'' (1954) === [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|right|[[Time]] was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a [[universe]] so vastly beyond [[human]] comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.]] [[File:Einstein ring SDSS J120540.43 491029.3.jpg|thumb|right|If you held a certain [[time]] [[sense]] you could break from one bracket to another, and when you did you would not find [[yesterday]] or [[tomorrow]], but another [[world]].]] * '''There was no [[time]], Hezekiah had said. No such thing as time in the terms of normal human [[thought]]. Time was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a universe so vastly beyond human comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.'''<br>And time itself? Time was a never-ending medium that stretched into the future and the past — except there was no future and no past, but an infinite number of brackets, extending either way, each bracket enclosing its single phase of the Universe. <br>Back on Man's original [[Earth]], there had been speculation on travelling in time, of going back into yesterday or forward into tomorrow. And now he knew that you could not do it, that the same instant of time remained forever within each bracket, that Man's Earth had ridden the same bubble of the single instant from the time of its genesis and that it would die and come to nothing within that self-same instant. <br>You could travel in time, of course, but there would be no yesterday and no tomorrow. But if you held a certain time sense you could break from one bracket to another, and '''when you did you would not find yesterday or tomorrow, but another world.''' * '''There was a [[world]] of [[mutants]], [[men]] and [[women]] who were [[Paranormal|more than normal]] men and women, persons who had certain [[human]] [[talents]] and certain human [[understandings]] which the [[normal]] men and women of the world had never [[known]], or having known, could not utilize in their [[entirety]], unable to use [[intelligently]] all the [[mighty]] [[powers]] which lay dormant in their [[brains]].''' * '''The people finally know.<br> They've been told about the mutants.'''<br> And they hated the mutants.<br> Of course, they hated them.<br> '''They hated them because the existence of the mutants makes them second-class humans, because they are Neanderthalers suddenly invaded by a bow and arrow people.''' === ''[[w:Time is the Simplest Thing|Time is the Simplest Thing]]'' (1961) === :<small> All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Doubleday </small> [[File:Sfxx0850.jpg|thumb|right|It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew...]] [[File:Vittore Carpaccio 075.jpg|thumb|right|Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth?]] * Whatever [[doubt]] might rise, he knew that he was right. But the rightness was an intellectual rightness and the doubt emotional. ** Chapter 3 (p. 14) * The party was beginning to get noisy—not boisterous, but noisy. It was beginning to acquire that stale air of futility to which, in the end, all parties must fall victim. ** Chapter 5 (p. 26) * You sometimes get a thrill at knowing where you are. You’re often filled with wonder, but more often you are puzzled. You are reminded, again and yet again, of how insignificant you are. And there are times when you forget that you are human. You’re just a blob of life—brother to everything that ever existed or ever will exist. ** Chapter 9 (p. 69) * What do you mean by [[faith]]? Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth? Is the attitude of faith, of believing in something for which there can be no more than philosophic [[proof]], the true mark of a Christian? ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * They sat for a moment, regarding one another; neither understanding. As if we were two [[Alien life|aliens]], thought Blaine. With viewpoints that did not come within a million miles of coinciding, and yet they both were men. ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * He knew that there was [[death]]—that there must be death if there were [[evolution]], that death was one of the mechanisms that biologically spelled progress and advancement for evolutionary species. ** Chapter 10 (p. 75) * This was the [[past]] and it was the dead past; there were only corpses in it—and perhaps not even corpses, but the shadows of those corpses. For the dead trees and the fence posts and the bridges and the buildings on the hill all would classify as shadows. There was no [[life]] here; the life was up ahead. Life must occupy but a single point in time, and as time moved forward, life moved with it. And so was gone, thought Blaine, any dream that Man might have ever held of visiting the past and living in the action and the thought and the viewpoint of men who’d long been dust. For the living past did not exist, nor did the human past except in the records of the past. The present was the only valid point for life—life kept moving on, keeping pace with the present, and once it had passed, all traces of it or its existences were carefully erased. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * There were certain basic things, perhaps—the very earth, itself—which existed through every point in time, holding a sort of limited eternity to provide a solid matrix. And the dead—the dead and fabricated—stayed in the past as ghosts. The fence posts and the wire strung on them, the dead trees, the farm buildings, and the bridge were shadows of the present persisting in the past. Persisting, perhaps, reluctantly, because since they had no life they could not move along. They were bound in [[time]] and stretched through time and they were long, long shadows.<br>He was, he realized with a shock, the only living thing existing in this moment on this earth. He and nothing else. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * Where would one find an answer? For the belief—the will to believe—was engrained deeply in the human fiber. Not entirely, either, in the matrix of the present situation, but in the blood and bone of Man clear back to the caves. There was in the soul of Man a certain deadly fascination with all things macabre. The situation as it stood had been grasped willingly, almost eagerly, by men for whom the world had become a rather tame and vapid place with no terror in it beyond the brute force [[Fear|terror]] of atomic weapons and the dread uncertainty of unstable men in [[power]]. ** Chapter 13 (p. 101) * For this, he realized, was the [[future]]. It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew. It was a place where nothing yet had happened—an utter emptiness. There was neither light nor dark; there was nothing here but emptiness. There had never been anything in this place, nor was anything ever intended to occupy this place—until this very moment when he and his machine had been thrust upon it, intruders who had overstepped their time. ** Chapter 33 (pp. 174-175) * The red thought rose up inside Blaine’s brain: Why not kill him now?<br>For the [[Homicide|killing]] would come easy. He was an easy man to [[Hatred|hate]]. Not on principle alone, but personally, clear down to his guts. ** Chapter 26 (p. 206) * In those villages, he wondered, how much ability and [[genius]] might be lying barren, ability and genius that the world could use but would never know because of the intolerance and hate which was held against the very people who were least qualified as the targets of it.<br>And the pity of it was that such hate and such intolerance would never have been born, could never have existed, had it not been for men like Finn—the bigots and the egomaniacs; the harsh, stern Puritans; the little men who felt the need of [[power]] to lift them from their smallness. ** Chapter 30 (p. 227) * They were the misfits of the world, the outcasts, for they deviated from the norm of humanity as established through all of history. Yet it was this very deviation which made them the hope of all mankind. Ordinary human beings—the kind of human beings who had brought the race this far—were not enough today. The ordinary humans had pushed the culture forward as far as they could push it. It had served its purpose; it had brought the ordinary human as far as he could go. Now the race evolved. Now new abilities had awoke and grown—exactly as the creatures of the Earth had evolved and specialized and then evolved again from that first moment when the first feeble spark of life had come into being in the seething chemical bath of a new and madcap planet.<br>Twisted brains, the normal people called them; magic people, dwellers of the darkness—and could anyone say no to this? For each people set its standards for each generation and these standards and these norms were not set by any universal rule, by no all-encompassing yardstick, but by what amounted to majority agreement, with the choice arrived at through all the prejudice and bias, all the faulty thinking and the unstable logic to which all [[intelligence]] is prone. ** Chapter 31 (pp. 233-234) * It was not his fight. Not personally his fight. No more his fight than any one of them. But he had made it his. Because of Stone, because of Rand and Harriet, because of priest who’d hounded him across half the continent, he had tried to make a fight of it. And perhaps, as well, because of something undefinable, unknown to himself, unsuspected in himself—some crazy idealism, some deep-rooted sense of [[justice]], some basic aversion to bullies and bigots and reformers. ** Chapter 32 (p. 245) * It was [[authority]] that turned men suspicious and stern-faced. Authority and responsibility which made them not themselves, but a sort of corporate body that tried to think as a corporate body rather than as a person. ** Chapter 32 (pp. 245-246) * They’d lived all their life on [[Earth]]; they knew nothing but the Earth. They had never really touched an alien concept, and that was all this concept was. It was not really as slimy as it seemed. It was only alien. There were a lot of alien things that could make one’s hair stand up on end while in their proper alien context they were fairly ordinary. ** Chapter 32 (p. 249) * “Anita,” he asked, “are there really werewolves?”<br>“Yes,” she told him. “Your werewolves are down there.”<br>And that was right, he thought. The darkness of the [[mind]], the bleakness of the [[thought]], the shallowness of [[purpose]]. These were the werewolves of the world. ** Chapter 34 (p. 263) === ''[[w:Way Station|Way Station]]'' (1963) === [[File:Milky Way from Flickr.jpg|thumb|right| There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew...]] [[File:CL0024+17.jpg|thumb|right|Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined.]] [[File:Apophysis El Dorado.jpg|thumb|right|His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.]] [[File:Schematicy-atom.svg|thumb|right|He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.]] [[File:6205 - Meiringen - Reichenbachfall viewed from Sandstrasse.JPG|thumb|right|This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.]] [[File:Nuclear_artillery_test_Grable_Event_-_Part_of_Operation_Upshot-Knothole.jpg|thumb|right|Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.]] [[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force. It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us.]] * '''It was a hopeless thing, he thought, this obsession of his to present the people of the Earth as good and reasonable. For in many ways they were neither good nor reasonable; perhaps because they had not as yet entirely grown up.''' They were smart and quick and at times compassionate and even understanding, but they failed lamentably in many other ways.<br>But if they had the chance, Enoch told himself, if they ever got a break, if they only could be told what was out in space, then they'd get a grip upon themselves and they would measure up and then, in the course of time, would be admitted into the great cofraternity of the people of the stars. ** Ch. 11 * '''There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew.'''<br> There were men on Earth who could make sense of it. Men who would give anything short of their very lives to know the little that he knew, and could put it all to use.<br>'''Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined. And never might imagine, if left on his own.''' ** Ch. 11 * The impulse patterns which carried creatures star to star were almost instantaneous, no matter what the distance.<br>He stood and thought about it and it still was hard, he admitted to himself, for a person to believe. ** Ch. 12 * '''His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.''' There was a name for that machine, but there was no word in the English language which closely approximated it. "[[w:Amulet|Talisman]]" was the closest, but Talisman was too crude a word. Although that had been the word that Ulysses had used when, some years ago, they had talked of it. ** Ch. 12 * The Talisman could be operated only by certain beings with certain types of minds and something else besides (could it be, he wondered, with certain kinds of souls?). "Sensitives" was the word he had used in his mental translation of the term for these kinds of people, but once again, he could not be sure if the word came close to fitting. The Talisman was placed in the custody of the most capable, or the most efficient, or the most devoted (whichever it might be) of the galactic sensitives, who carried it from star to star in a sort of eternal progression. And on each planet the people came to make personal and individual contact with the spiritual force through the intervention and the agency of the Talisman and its custodian.<br> He found that he was shivering at the thought of it — the pure ecstasy of reaching out and touching the spirituality that flooded through the galaxy and, undoubtedly, through the universe. The assurance would be there, he thought, the assurance that life had a special place in the great scheme of existence, that one, no matter how small, how feeble, how insignificant, still did count for something in the vast sweep of space and time. ** Ch. 12 * '''He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.''' And the fact of the matter was that he had just barely understood enough to make the concept work, but had not understood enough to be aware of its consequences. ** Ch. 13 * The Hazer would be arriving at about the same time as Ulysses and the three of them could spend a pleasant evening. It was not too often that two good friends ever visited here at once. <br> He stood a bit aghast at thinking of the Hazer as a friend, for more than likely the being itself was one he had never met. But that made little difference, for a Hazer, any Hazer, would turn out to be a friend. ** Ch. 14 * Could it be, he wondered, that the goldenness was the Hazers' life force and that they wore it like a cloak, as a sort of over-all disguise? Did they wear that life force on the outside of them while all other creatures wore it on the inside? ** Ch. 15 * '''He had acted on an impulse, with no thought at all. The girl had asked protection and here she had protection, here nothing in the world ever could get at her.''' But she was a human being and no human being, other than himself, should have ever crossed the threshold.<br> But it was done and there was no way to change it. Once across the threshold, there was no way to change it. ** Ch. 16 * She looked quickly up. And then her eyes once more went back to the flashing thing she was holding in her hands.<br> He saw that it was the pyramid of spheres and now all the spheres were spinning slowly, in alternating clockwise and counterclockwise motions, and that as they spun they shone and glittered, each in its own particular color, as if there might be, deep inside each one of them, a source of soft, warm light.<br>'''Enoch caught his breath at the beauty and the wonder of it — the old, hard wonder of what this thing might be and what it might be meant to do.''' He had examined it a hundred times or more and had puzzled at it and there had been nothing he could find that was of significance. So far as he could see, it was only something that was meant to be looked at, although there had been that persistent feeling that it had a purpose and that, perhaps, somehow, it was meant to operate.<br>'''And now it was in operation.''' He had tried a hundred times to get it figured out and Lucy had picked it up just once and had got it figured out.<br> He noticed the rapture with which she was regarding it. Was it possible, he wondered, that she knew its purpose? ** Ch. 18 * '''Hank Fisher would tell how he'd tried to break into the house and couldn't and there'd be others who would try to break into the house and there'd be hell to pay.'''<br> Enoch sweated, thinking of it.<br> '''All the years of keeping out of people's way, all the years of being unobtrusive would be for nothing then. This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.''' ** Ch. 18 * The alien stood in shadow and he looked, Enoch thought, more than ever like the cruel clown. His lithe, flowing body had the look of smoked, tanned buckskin. The patchwork color of his hide seemed to shine with a faint luminescence and the sharp, hard angles of his face, the smooth baldness of his head, the flat, pointed ears pasted tight against the skull lent him a vicious fearsomeness.<br> If one did not know him for the gentle character that he was, Enoch told himself, he would be enough to scare a man out of seven years of growth. ** Ch. 19 * The Talisman has been missing for several years or so. And no one knows about it — except Galactic Central and the — what would you call it? — the hierarchy, I suppose, the organization of mystics who takes care of the spiritual setup. And yet, even with no one knowing, the galaxy is beginning to show wear. It's coming apart at the seams. In time to come, it may fall apart. As if the Talisman represented a force that all unknowingly held the races of the galaxy together, exerting its influence even when it remained unseen. ** Ch. 21 * '''It's not the machine itself that does the trick. The machine merely acts as an intermediary between the sensitive and the spiritual force.''' It is an extension of the sensitive. It magnifies the capability of the sensitive and acts as a link of some sort. It enables the sensitive to perform his function. ** Ch. 21 * If there could only be more time, he thought. But, of course, there never was. There was not the time right now and there would never be. No matter how many centuries he might be able to devote, there'd always be so much more knowledge than he'd gathered at the moment that the little he had gathered would always seem a pittance. ** Ch. 23 * '''That had not been the first time nor had it been the last, but all the years of killing boiled down in essence to that single moment — not the time that came after, but that long and terrible instant when he had watched the lines of men purposefully striding up the slope to kill him.''' <br> It had been in that moment that he had realized the insanity of war, the futile gesture that in time became all but meaningless, the unreasoning rage that must be nursed long beyond the memory of the incident that had caused the rage, the sheer illogic that one man, by death or misery, might prove a right or uphold a principle.<br> '''Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.''' ** Ch. 25 * There was a comfort in the thought, a strange sort of personal comfort in being able to believe that some intelligence might have solved the riddle of that mysterious equation of the universe. And how, perhaps, that mysterious equation might tie in with the spiritual force that was idealistic brother to time and space and all those other elemental factors that held the universe together. ** Ch. 30 * '''Ulysses, he thought, had not told him all the truth about the Talisman. He had told him that it had disappeared and that the galaxy was without it, but he had not told him that for many years its power and glory had been dimmed by the failure of its custodian to provide linkage between the people and the force.''' And all that time the corrosion occasioned by that failure had eaten away at the bonds of the galactic cofraternity. ** Ch. 30 * '''How strange it is, he thought, how so many senseless things shape our destiny.''' For the rifle range had been a senseless thing, as senseless as a billiard table or a game of cards — designed for one thing only, to please the keeper of the station. And yet the hours he'd spent there had shaped toward this hour and end, to this single instant on this restricted slope of ground. ** Ch. 32 [[File:Paradiso Canto 31.jpg|thumb|right|Perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.]] * '''There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force.''' It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us. ** Ch. 33 * A machine, a mechanism, no more than a tool — technological brother to the hoe, the wrench, the hammer — and yet as far a cry from these as the human brain was from that first amino acid which had come into being on this planet when the Earth was very young. '''One was tempted, Enoch thought, to say that this was as far as a tool could go, that it was the ultimate in the ingenuity possessed by any brain. But that would be a dangerous way of thinking, for perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.''' For each new development produced, as side effects, so many other possibilities, so many other roads to travel, that with each step one took down any given road there were more paths to follow. There'd never be an end, he thought — no end to anything. ** Ch. 33 * She always had been in touch with something outside of human ken. She had something in her no other human had. You sensed it, but you could not name it, for there was no name for this thing she had. And she had fumbled with it, trying to use it, not knowing how to use it, charming off the warts and healing poor hurt butterflies and only God knew what other acts that she performed unseen. ** Ch. 34 * The [[river]] rolled below him and the river did not care. [[Nothing]] mattered to the river. It would take the tusk of mastodon, the skull of sabertooth, the rib cage of a man, the dead and sunken tree, the thrown rock or rifle and would swallow each of them and cover them in mud or sand and roll gurgling over them, hiding them from sight. <br /> '''A million [[years]] [[Past|ago]] there had been no river here and in a million years [[Future|to come]] there might be no river — but in a million years from now there would be, if not [[Human|Man]], at least a caring thing. And that was the [[secret]] of the [[universe]], Enoch told himself — a thing that went on caring.''' ** Ch. 35 === ''[[w:All Flesh is Grass (novel)|All Flesh is Grass]]'' (1965) === :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award for Best Novel]] in 1966. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the mass market edition published by Avon Books, September 1978, ISBN 0-380-39933-4 </small> * What strange circumstances, or what odd combination of many circumstances, must occur, I wondered, to make it possible for a man to step from one world to another. ** Chapter 11 (p. 105) * For even if the life of my own Earth and this other Earth on which I stood had started out identically (and they might well have started out identically) there still would be, along the way, millions of little deviations, no one of which, perhaps, by itself, would be significant, but the cumulative effects of all these deviations eventually would result in a life and culture that would bear no resemblance to any other Earth. ** Chapter 12 (p. 123) * Even if the barrier now should disappear and the Flowers withdraw their attention from our Earth, we still would have been shaken from the comfortable little rut which assumed that life as we know it was the only kind of life and that our road of knowledge was the only one that was broad and straight and paved.<br>There had been ogres in the past, by finally the ogres had been banished. The trolls and ghouls and imps and all the others of the tribe had been pushed out of our lives, for they could survive only on the misty shores of ignorance and in the land of superstition. Now, I thought, we’d know an ignorance again (but a different kind of ignorance) and superstition, too, for superstition fed upon the lack of knowledge. With this hint of another world—even if its denizens should decide not to flaunt themselves, even if we should find a way to stop them—the trolls and ghouls and goblins would be back with us again. There’d be chimney corner gossip of this other place and a frantic, desperate search to rationalize the implied horror of its vast and unknown reaches, and out of this very search would rise a horror greater than any the other world could hold. We’d be afraid, as we had been before, of the darkness that lay beyond the little circle of our campfire. ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * “They’re just ordinary people,” Nancy said. “You can’t expect too much of them.” ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * They would fail. We would always fail. We weren’t built to do anything but fail. We had the wrong kind of motives and we couldn’t change them. We had a built-in short-sightedness and an inherent selfishness and a self-concern that made it impossible to step out of the little human rut we traveled. ** Chapter 18 (p. 195) * We feel much sorrow for you, the elm tree had said. But what kind of sorrow—a real and sincere sorrow, or the superficial and pedantic sorrow of the immortal for a frail and flickering creature that was about to die? ** Chapter 24 (p. 247) === ''Why Call Them Back From Heaven?'' (1967) === * "One thing more, son. Do you believe in [[God]]?" <br>Slowly Frost put the spoon back into the bowl. <br>He asked: "You really want an answer?" <br>"I want an answer," said the man. "I want an honest one." <br>'''"The answer," said Frost, "is that I don't know. Not, certainly, in the kind of God that you are thinking of. Not the old white-whiskered, woodcut gentleman. But a supreme being — yes, I would believe in a God of that sort.''' Because it seems to me there must be some sort of force or power or will throughout the [[universe]]. The universe is too orderly for it to be otherwise. When you measure all this orderliness, from the mechanism of the atom at one end of the scale, out to the precision of the operation of the universe at the other end, it seems unbelievable that there is not a supervisory force of some kind, a benevolent ruling force to maintain that sort of order." === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|A Choice of Gods]]'' (1972) === [[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out of the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect.]] [[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid...]] :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award for Best Novel]] in 1973. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, September 1973, {{ISBN|0425024121}}, 5th printing </small> * The robots are not technologically minded. They were not built to be. They were built to bolster human vanity and pride, to meet a strange longing that seems to be built into the human ego—the need to have other humans (or a reasonable facsimile of other humans) to minister to our wants and needs, human slaves to be dominated, human beings over which a man or woman (or a child) can assert authority, thus building up a false feeling of superiority. ** Chapter 1 (pp. 6-7) * He sat in the chair, unmoving, looking at the room and wondering again at the quiet satisfaction that he always found within it, and at times more than satisfaction, as if the room, with its book-lined loftiness and vastness, carried a special benediction. The thoughts of many men, he told himself, resided in the space—all the great thinkers of the world held secure between the bindings of the volumes on the shelves, selected and placed there long ago by his grandfather so that in the days to come the essence of the human race, the heritage of recorded thought, would always be at hand. ** Chapter 3 (pp. 16-17) * —Look, said Jason, it is an old idea. There was never any proof. There was only faith. I have a soul, one would tell himself. He believed it because he had been told by others. Told authoritatively. Without any question. He was told so often and he told himself so often that there was no question in his mind that he had a soul. But there was never any evidence. There was never any proof. ** Chapter 5 (p. 42) * It seems to be a social axiom that as misery and privation increase for the many, the few rise ever higher in luxury and comfort, feeding on the misery. Not aware, perhaps, that they feed upon the misery, not with any wish of feeding on it—but they do. ** Chapter 6 (p. 46) * Could it be possible, Hezekiah asked himself, that there was no room for both the faith and truth, that they were mutually exclusive qualities that could not coexist? He shuddered as he thought of it, for if this should be the case, they had spent their centuries of devotion to but little purpose, pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp. Must faith be exactly that, the willingness and ability to believe in the face of a lack of evidence? If one could find the evidence, would then the faith be dead? If that were the situation, then which one did they want? Had it been, he wondered, that men had tried what they even now were trying and had realized that there was no such thing as truth, but only faith, and being unable to accept the faith without its evidence, had dropped the faith as well? ** Chapter 7 (p. 52) * He doubted very much that at any time man could have been said to have truly owned the earth. Rather, they had taken it, wresting it from the other creatures that had as much right of ownership as they, but without the intelligence or the ingenuity or power to assert their rights. Man had been pushy, arrogant interloper rather than the owner. He had taken over by the force of mind, which could be as detestable as the force of muscle, making his own rules, setting his own goals, establishing his own values in utter disregard of all other living things. ** Chapter 13 (p. 84) * And how much did he and the others lost when they had turned their backs on magic? Belief, of course, and there might be some value in belief, although there was, as well, delusion and did a man want to pay for the value of belief in the coinage of delusion? ** Chapter 15 (pp. 96-97) * ''The situation outlined is immaterial to us. We could help humanity, but there is no reason that we should. Humanity is a transient factor and is none of our concern.'' ** Chapter 22 (p. 130) * I have become a student of the sky and know all the clouds there are and have firmly fixed in mind the various hues of blue that the sky can show—the washed-out, almost invisible blue of a hot, summer noon; the soft robin’s egg, sometimes almost greenish blue of a late springtime evening, the darker, almost violet blue of fall. I have become a connoisseur of the coloring that the leaves take on in autumn and I know all the voices and the moods of the woods and river valley. I have, in a measure, entered into communion with nature, and in this wise have followed in the footsteps of Red Cloud and his people, although I am sure that their understanding and their emotions are more fine-tuned than mine are. I have seen, however, the roll of seasons, the birth and death of leaves, the glitter of the stars on more nights than I can number and from all this as from nothing else I have gained a sense of a purpose and an orderliness which it does not seem to me can have stemmed from accident alone.<br>It seems to me, thinking of it, that there must be some universal plan which set in motion the orbiting of the electrons about the nucleus and the slower, more majestic orbit of the galaxies about one another to the very edge of space. There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out from the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect. But if we are looking for something on which to pin our faith—and, indeed, our hope—the plan might well be it. I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid... ** Chapter 24 (pp. 136-137) * Now it seemed that this had been a self-sustained illusion he had nourished carefully to bolster a sense of his own importance. ** Chapter 25 (p. 140) * These kind never change. The machine does something to a man. It brutalizes him. It serves as a buffer between himself and his environment and he is the worst for it. It arouses an opportunistic instinct and makes possible a greed that makes a man inhuman. ** Chapter 28 (p. 152) * For the old do not really mind; in a strange way they become sufficient to themselves. They need so very little and they care so very little. They climb the mountain no one else can see and as they climb the old, once-valued things they’ve carried all their lives tend to drop away and as they climb the higher the knapsack that they carry becomes emptier, but perhaps no less in weight than it had ever been, and the few things that are left in it, they find, with some amusement, or those few indispensable belongings which they’ve gathered in a long lifetime of effort and of seeking. They wonder greatly, if they think of it at all, how it was left to age to winnow out the chaff they’ve carried all the years, thinking that it was valuable when it was only chaff. When they reach the mountain top, they find that they can see farther than they’ve ever seen before and with greater clarity and, if by this time they’re not past all caring, may bemoan that they must approach the end of their lives before they can see with this marvelous clarity, which does little for them now, but might, in earlier years, have been of incalculable value. ** Chapter 30 (pp. 157-158) === ''Cemetery World'' (1973) === [[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|right|I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same... there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.]] [[File:Whirpool Galaxy.jpg|thumb|right|If we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...]] :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, July 1974, {{ISBN|0425026264}} </small> * '''The sun was setting, throwing a fog-like dusk across the stream and trees, and there was a coolness in the air.''' It was time, I knew, to be getting back to camp. But I did not want to move. For '''I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same; no matter how many times I might return to this particular spot the place and feeling would never be the same, something would be lost or something would be added, and there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.''' * '''I find it a most intriguing and amusing thing that it might be possible to package the experiences, not only of one's self, but of other people.''' Think of the hoard we might then lay up against our later, lonely years when all old friends are gone and the opportunity for new experiences have withered. All we need to do then is to reach up to a shelf and take down a package that we have bottled or preserved or whatever the phrase might be, say from a hundred years ago, and uncorking it, enjoy the same experience again, as sharp and fresh as the first time it had happened... '''I have tried to imagine ... the various ingredients one might wish to compound in such a package. Beside the bare experience itself, the context of it, one might say, he should want to capture and hold all the subsidiary factors which might serve as a background for it — the sound, the feel of wind and sun, the cloud floating in the sky, the color and the scent. For such a packaging, to give the desired results, must be as perfect as one can make it. It must have all those elements which would be valuable in invoking the total recall of some event that had taken place many years before...''' * "As an auxiliary to all of this," he said, "I have found myself speculating upon a world in which no one ever grew up. I admit, of course, that it is a rather acrobatic feat of thinking, not entirely consistent, to leap from the one idea to the other. In a world where one was able to package his experiences, he merely would be able to relive at some future time the experiences of the past. But in a world of the eternally young he'd have no need of such packaging. Each new day would bring the same freshness and the everlasting wonder inherent in the world of children. There would be no realization of death and no fear born of the knowledge of the future. Life would be eternal and there'd be no thought of change. One would exist in an everlasting matrix and while there would be little variation from one day to the next, one would not be aware of this and there'd be no boredom..." === ''Shakespeare's Planet'' (1976)=== [[File:Glory 2004.04.650.jpg|thumb|right|[[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists...]] * [[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists... === ''A Heritage of Stars'' (1977) === [[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|right|If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.]] * '''Space is an illusion, and time as well. There is no such factor as either time or space. We have been blinded by our own cleverness, blinded by false perceptions of those qualities that we term eternity and infinity.''' There is another factor that explains it all, and once this universal factor is recognized, everything grows simple. There is no longer any mystery, no longer any wonder, no longer any doubt; for the simplicity of it all lies before us... * We came into a homeless frontier, a place where we were not welcome, where nothing that lived was welcome, where thought and logic were abhorrent and we were frightened, but we went into this place because the universe lay before us, and '''if we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...''' * '''If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.''' === ''Highway of Eternity'' (1986) === [[File:Soap bubble sky.jpg|thumb|right|They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is...]] [[File:Canis lupus standing in snow.jpg|thumb|right|The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.]] [[File:Cantel 24cell1.png|thumb|right|Time means nothing to it … nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them.]] [[File:Hoag's object.jpg|thumb|right|"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> Not so small as you might think.]] * '''A wrongness persisted, a sense of aberration, some factor not quite right, the feeling of a corner. But Boone could not pin it down; there seemed no way to reach it.''' * "We're very close to immortal, you know. The time mechanism keeps it that way." <br>"No, I hadn't known," said Boone. <br>"Inside the time bubble we do not age. We age only when we are outside of it." * "They changed," said Enid, "from corporeal beings, from biological beings, to incorporeal beings, immaterial, pure intelligences. They now are ranged in huge communities on crystal lattices..." * '''What your friend told you of his seeing of the time wall is true, Henry said in Boone's mind. I know he saw it, although imperfectly.''' Your friend is most unusual. So far as I know, no other human actually can see it; although there are ways of detecting time. I tried to show him a sniffler. There are a number of snifflers, trying to sniff out the bubble. '''They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is.''' * "We have time travel," she said, "and none of us, I am sure, really understands it. We stole it from the Infinites. To steal time travel was the one way we could fight back, the one way we could flee. The human race had far space travel before the Infinites showed up. I think it was our far travel that aroused the interest of the Infinites in us. I've often wondered if some of the very primitive principles of time might not have made our many-times-faster-than-light travel possible. Time is somehow tied into space, but I have never known quite how." * '''He stirred again, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and he was not alone.''' Across the fire from him sat, or seemed to sit, a man wrapped in some all-enveloping covering that might have been a cloak, wearing on his head a conical hat that dropped down so far it hid his face. Beside him sat the wolf — the wolf, for Boone was certain that it was the same wolf with which he'd found himself sitting nose to nose when he had wakened the night before. '''The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.''' <br>He stared at the hat. Who are you? What is this about? <br>He spoke in his mind, talking to himself, not really to the hat. He had not spoken aloud for fear of startling the wolf. <br>'''The Hat replied. It is about the brotherhood of life. Who I am is of no consequence. I am only here to act as an interpreter.''' <br>An interpreter for whom? <br>For the wolf and you. <br>But the wolf does not talk. <br>No, he does not talk. But he thinks. He is greatly pleased and puzzled. <br>Puzzled I can understand. But pleased? <br>He feels a sameness with you. He senses something in you that reminds him of himself. He puzzles what you are. <br>In time to come, said Boone, he will be one with us. He will become a dog. <br>'''If he knew that, said The Hat, it would not impress him. He thinks now to be one with you. An equal. A dog is not your equal...''' * '''Perversity, she thought. Could that have been what happened to the human race — a willing perversity that set at naught all human values which had been so hardly won and structured in the light of reason for a span of more than a million years? Could the human race, quite out of hand and with no sufficient reason, have turned its back upon everything that had built humanity?''' Or was it, perhaps, no more than second childhood, a shifting of the burden off one's shoulders and going back to the selfishness of the child who romped and frolicked without thought of consequence or liability? * '''"It is a net," said Horseface, "useful for the fishing of the universe."''' <br>Enid crinkled up her face, staring at what he called a net. It was a flimsy thing and it had no shape. <br>"Certainly," she said, "you would not go fishing the universe in so slight a thing as this."<br>''' "Time means nothing to it," said Horseface, "nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them."''' * Boone gulped and swallowed. He spoke to The Hat. <br>"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> '''That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].'''<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> '''Not so small as you might think.''' * "This is the core of the galaxy," Horseface said. "This is the very center of everything there is. A huge black hole eating up the galaxy. The end of everything." * '''"Much of what we see in the universe," said Hugo, "starts out as imaginary. Often you must imagine something before you can come to terms with it."''' * An untold time ago, there was a well-founded perception that the human race would end and that something else must take its place.<br>Why must something else take its place? <br> I cannot tell you that. There is no solid rationale for it, but the belief seemed to be that there must be a dominant race upon this planet. Before men were the dinosaurs and before the dinosaurs there were the trilobites... * '''Without consciousness and intelligence, the universe would lack meaning.''' == Quotes about Simak == * I never heard a bad word about him but only universal approval and approbation... [I have tried to] imitate his easy and uncluttered style. I think I have succeeded to an extent and that it has immeasurably improved my writing. He is the third of three people, then, who formed my writing career. [[John W. Campbell|John Campbel]]l and [[w:Frederik Pohl|Fred Pohl]] did it by precept, and Cliff Simak by example. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] in ''I, Asimov'' (1994) * Without Simak, science fiction would have been without its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the ordinary person and the value of life lived close to the land. ** [[w:James Gunn (author)|James Gunn]], as quoted in promotional quote on a 2016 edition of ''City'' * Since the earliest thirties, to read science fiction is to read Simak. A reader who does not like Simak stories does not like science fiction at all. **[[Robert A. Heinlein]], in a letter of appreciation, as quoted in ''Robert A. Heinlein : In Dialogue with His Century'', Volume 2: ''The Man Who Learned Better | 1948-1988'' (2014), p. 389 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.nndb.com/people/208/000044076/ Simak at NNDB] * [http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/clifford-d-simak/ Simak at Fantastic Fiction] * [http://templetongate.tripod.com/simak.htm Simak at Templeton Gate] * [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?Clifford_D._Simak Simak at ISFDB] * [http://www.tc.umn.edu/~brams006/simak/index.html Clifford Simak Fan Site] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20070823020035/http://www.geocities.com/fantasticreviews/choice_of_gods.htm Review of ''A Choice of Gods''] {{DEFAULTSORT: Simak, Clifford D.}} [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1988 deaths]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] oaa5if4s81u4v0bztbzpu96yxvn760w 3155600 3155599 2022-08-17T16:35:56Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* Cemetery World (1973) */ added link wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Clifford Simak WS 3112.jpg|thumb|right|Simak as pictured in ''Wonder Stories'' in 1931.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Without [[consciousness]] and [[intelligence]], the [[universe]] would lack [[meaning]].]] '''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Clifford Donald Simak]]''' ([[3 August]] [[1904]] – [[25 April]] [[1988]]) was an American science fiction writer, and a winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards. [[File:Spacecolony3edit.jpeg|thumb|right|It would seem to me that by the [[time]] a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no [[economic]] [[necessity]] of its doing so.]] == Quotes == [[File:LightRefractsOf comb-rows of ctenophore Mertensia ovum.jpg|thumb|right|When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the [[universe]].]] [[File:Crystal DNA.jpg|thumb|right|We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...]] * '''When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the universe. It is only of life on Earth, however, that one can speak with any certainty. It seems to me that all life on Earth, the sum total of life upon the Earth, has purpose.''' If the means were available, we could trace our ancestry — yours and mine — back to the first blob of life-like material that came into being on the planet. The same thing could be done for the spider that spun his web in the grass, and of the grass in which the web was spun, the bird sitting in the tree and the tree in which he sits, the toad waiting for the fly beneath the bush, and for the fly and bush. '''We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...''' ** Interview in ''Speaking of Science Fiction: The Paul Walker Interviews'' (1978) * '''I have tried at times to place humans in perspective against the vastness of universal time and space.''' I have been concerned with where we, as a race, may be going and what may be our purpose in the universal scheme — if we have a purpose. In general, I believe we do, and perhaps an important one. ** As quoted in the Associated Press obituary (27 April 1988) === Short Fiction === ==== Skirmish (1977) ==== :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Berkley </small> * My reluctance to use alien invasion is due to the feeling that we are not likely to be invaded and taken over. It would seem to me that by the time a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no economic [[necessity]] of its doing so. By the time it was able to go into deep space, it must have arrived at an energy source which would not be based on planetary natural resources. ** Introduction (p. ix) * “McKay tells me that you went home sick,” she said. “Personally, I hope you don’t survive.” ** “Skirmish” (p. 44); originally published in [[w:Amazing Stories|Amazing Stories]], December 1950 * There have been moments when I also wasn’t able to attach as much importance to football as it seemed to me I should. ** “The Sitters” (p. 73); originally published in [[w:Galaxy Science Fiction|Galaxy Science Fiction]], April 1958 * Beyond his own sure knowledge, he had not a shred of proof. ** “The Sitters” (p. 90) * He sat and watched them come and he thought of going in to get a rifle, but he didn’t stir from his seat upon the steps. The rifle would do no good, he told himself. It would be a senseless thing to get it; more than that, a senseless attitude. The least that man could do, he thought, was to meet these creatures of another world with clean and empty hands. ** “[[w:The Big Front Yard|The Big Front Yard]]” (pp. 142-143); originally published in [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Astounding Science Fiction]], October 1958 [[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|right|He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.]] * '''Once again the universe was spread far out before him and it was a different and in some ways a better universe, a more diagrammatic universe, and in time, he knew, if there were such a thing as time, he'd gain some completer understanding and acceptance of it. <br>He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.''' <br>He thought with pity of those others locked inside the ship, safe behind its insulating walls, never knowing all the glories of the innards of a star or the vast panoramic sweep of vision and of knowing far above the flat galactic plane. <br>Yet he really did not know what he saw or probed; he merely sensed and felt it and became a part of it, and it became a part of him — he seemed unable to reduce it to a formal outline of fact or of dimension or of content. It still remained a knowledge and a power so overwhelming that it was nebulous. There was no fear and no wonder, for in this place, it seemed, there was neither fear nor wonder. And he finally knew that it was a place apart, a world in which the normal space-time knowledge and emotion had no place at all and a normal space-time being could have no tools or measuring stick by which he might reduce it to a frame of reference. <br>There was no time, no space, no fear, no wonder — and no actual knowledge, either. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (p. 165); originally published in [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction|The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction]], March 1960 * '''Perhaps all that had happened had been no more than the working out of human destiny. If the human race could not attain directly the paranormal power he held, this instinct of the mind, then they would gain it indirectly through the agency of one of their creations.''' Perhaps this, after all, unknown to Man himself, had been the prime purpose of the robots. <br>He turned and walked slowly down the length of village street, his back turned to the ship and the roaring of the captain, walked contentedly into this new world he'd found, into this world that he would make — not for himself, nor for robotic glory, but for a better Mankind and a happier. <br>Less than an hour before he'd congratulated himself on escaping all the traps of Earth, all the snares of Man. Not knowing that the greatest trap of all, the final and the fatal trap, lay on this present planet. <br>But that was wrong, he told himself. The trap had not been on this world at all, nor any other world. It had been inside himself. <br> He walked serenely down the wagon-rutted track in the soft, golden afternoon of a matchless autumn day, with the dog trotting at his heels. <br> Somewhere, just down the street, the sick baby lay crying in its crib. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (pp. 190-191); closing words. * Accident, he wondered, or a way of hiding? Trapped or planned? He had no way of knowing and further speculation was ridiculous, based as it necessarily must be upon earlier assumptions that were entirely without support. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (pp. 211-212); originally published in [[w:If (magazine)|Worlds of If]], March 1970 * First there was space—endless, limitless space, so far from everything, so brutal, so frigid, so uncaring that it numbed the mind, not so much from fear or loneliness as from the realization that in this eternity of space the thing that was himself was dwarfed to an insignificance no yardstick could measure. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (p. 220) * The old and the young, he thought. The old, who do not care; the young, who do not think. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 250); originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, October 1971 * In the east the [[moon]] was rising, a full moon that lighted the landscape so that he could see every little clump of bushes, every grove of trees. And as he stood there, he realized with a sudden start that the moon was full again, that it was always full, it rose with the setting of the sun and set just before the sun came up, and it was always a great pumpkin of a moon, an eternal harvest moon shining on an eternal autumn world. <br> The realization that this was so all at once seemed shocking. How was it that he had never noticed this before? Certainly he had been here long enough, had watched the moon often enough to have noticed it. He had been here long enough — and how long had that been, a few weeks, a few months, a year? He found he did not know. He tried to figure back and there was no way to figure back. There were no temporal landmarks. Nothing ever happened to mark one day from the next. [[Time]] flowed so smoothly and so uneventfully that it might as well stand still. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 251) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Time and Again]]'' (1951) === :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (catalogue number 81000) </small> * '''There is [[mystery]] here, but a soft, sure mystery that is understood and only remains a mystery because I want it so.''' The mystery of the nighthawk against a darkening [[sky]], the puzzle of the [[firefly]] along the lilac hedge. ** Chapter I (p. 6) * They are worse than the disinherited. They are not the has-beens, they are the never-weres. ** Chapter II (p. 14) * “You do not belong to any bona fide [[religion]] that prohibits killing?”<br>“I presume I could classify myself as a [[Christian]],” said Sutton. “I [[believe]] there is a Commandment about killing.”<br> The robot shook his head. “It doesn’t count.”<br>“It is clear and specific,” Sutton argued. “It says, ‘Thou shalt not kill.’”<br>“It is all of that,” the robot told him. “But it has been discredited. You humans discredited it yourselves. You never obeyed it. '''You either obey a [[law]] or you forfeit it. You can’t forget it with one breath and invoke it with the next.'''” ** Chapter V (pp. 27-28) * '''The chain of [[life]] runs smoothly from one generation to the next and none of the links stand out except here and there a link one sees by accident.''' ** Chapter XII (p. 72) * As he looked, Sutton felt the cold hand of loneliness reach down with icy fingers to take him in its grip. For here was sheer, mad loneliness such as he had never dreamed. '''Here was the very negation of life and motion, here was the stark, bald beginning when there was no life, nor even [[thought]] of life.''' Here anything that knew or thought or moved was an alien thing, a disease, a cancer on the face of [[nothingness]]. ** Chapter XIX (p. 99) * I have not long to live. I have lasted more than a man’s average allotted span, and while I still am hale and hearty, I know full well the [[hand]] of [[time]], while it may miss a man at one reaping, will get him at the next. ** Chapter XXI (p. 107) * I’m just a propagandist and a propagandist doesn’t have to know what he is talking about, just so he talks about it most convincingly. ** Chapter XXIV (p. 124) * “It’s a wonder to me,” said Adams sourly, “that you don’t simply melt down in the white heat of your brilliance.” ** Chapter XXV (p. 134) * It would be three-dimensional chess with a million billion squares and a million pieces, and with the [[rules]] changing ever move. ** Chapter XXV (p. 135) * And [[death]] was a soft thing, soft and black, cool and sweet and gracious. He slipped into it as a swimmer slips into the surf and it closed over him and held him and he felt the pulse and beat of it and knew the vastness and sureness of it. ** Chapter XXVI (p. 139) * Sutton sensed [[resurrection]] and he fought against it, for death was so comfortable. Like a soft, warm bed. And resurrection was a strident, insistent, maddening alarm clock that shrilled across the predawn chill of a dreadful, frowzy room. Dreadful with its life and its bare [[reality]] and its sharp, sickening reminder that one must get up and walk into reality again. ** Chapter XXVIII (p. 143) * [[Dreams]], she said. Broken dreams are bad enough. But the dream that has no [[hope]]...the dream that is doomed long before it’s broken, that’s the worst of all. ** Chapter XXXV (p. 183) * And here and there a [[human]] who saw the [[Righteousness|rightness]] of the proposition that [[Man]] could not, by mere [[self]]-assertion, be a special being; [[understanding]] that it was to his greater [[glory]] to take his place among the other things of life, as a simple thing of life, as a form of life that could lead and teach and be a [[friend]] rather than a thing that conquered and ruled and stood as one apart. ** Chapter XXXIX (p. 195) * '''Before Man goes to the [[stars]] he should learn how to live on [[Earth]].''' ** Chapter XLI (p. 204) * “[[Propaganda]],” Trevor said. “Let’s call it [[psychology]]. You say a thing so often and so well that after a time everyone believes it. Even, finally, yourself.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 215) * “It wouldn’t be the [[truth]],” said Sutton.<br>“That,” said Trevor, “doesn’t have a thing to do with it.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 220) * [[Memory]] and dust, he thought, link us to the [[past]]. ** Chapter XLIII (p. 224) === ''[[w:City (Clifford D. Simak novel)|City]]'' (1952) === [[File:Halo - Falköping - Sweden 2003.jpg|thumb|right|These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north.]] [[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|right|You travel back along the line of time and you don't find the past, but another [[world]], another bracket of consciousness.]] :<small> This is a fixup novel; the eight chapters correspond to eight previously published stories. Many editions of the novel have been published. </small> :<small> Won the [[w:International Fantasy Award|1953 International Fantasy Award]]. </small> :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (#10621) </small> * These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north. ** Editor’s Preface (p. 5) * Most authorities in [[economics]] and [[sociology]] regard such an organization as a city an impossible structure, not only from the economic standpoint, but from the sociological and psychological as well. No creature of the highly nervous structure necessary to develop a culture, they point out, would be able to survive within such restricted limits. The result, if it were tried, these authorities say, would lead to mass neuroticism which in a short period of time would destroy the very culture which had built the city. ** Notes on the First Tale (pp. 9-10) * These people must be helped to find themselves in this new world, but they must not know that they’re being helped. To let them know would destroy confidence and dignity, and human dignity is the keystone of any civilization. ** Chapter 1, “City” (p. 31) * “You sound like a rugged individualist,” said Webster.<br>“You say that like you think it’s funny,” yapped the mayor.<br>“I do think it’s funny,” said Webster. “Funny, and tragic, that anyone should think that way today.”<br>“The world would be a lot better off with some rugged individualism,” snapped the mayor. “Look at the men who have gone places—”<br>“Meaning yourself?” asked Weber.<br>“You might take me, for example,” Carter agreed. “I worked hard. I took advantage of opportunity. I had some foresight. I did—”<br>“You mean you licked the correct boots and stepped in the proper faces,” said Webster. “You’re the shining example of the kind of people the world doesn’t want today. You positively smell musty, your ideas are so old. You’re the last of the politicians, Carter, just as I was the last of the Chamber of Commerce secretaries. Only you don’t know it yet. I did. I got out. Even when it cost me something, I got out, because I had to save my self-respect. Your kind of politics is dead. They are dead because any tinhorn with a loud mouth and a brassy front could gain power by appeal to mob psychology. And you haven’t got mob psychology any more. You can’t have mob psychology when people don’t give a damn what happens to a thing that’s dead already—a political system that broke down under its own weight.” ** Chapter 1, “City” (pp. 34-35) * To cover up actual lack of knowledge, the tale develops an explanation which amounts to divine intervention. It is an easy and, to the primitive mind, a plausible and satisfactory way to explain something of which nothing at all is known. ** Notes on the Third Tale (p. 69) * Bit by bit, as the legend unfolds, the reader gets a more accurate picture of the human race. By degrees, one gains the conviction that here is a race which can be little more than pure fantasy. It is not the kind of race which could rise from humble beginnings to the eminence of culture with which it is gifted in these tales. Its equipment is too poor.<br>So far it lack of stability has become apparent. Its preoccupation with a mechanical civilization rather than with a culture based on some of the sounder, more worthwhile concepts of life indicates a lack of basic character.<br>And now, in this tale, we learn of the limited communications which it possessed, a situation which certainly is not conducive to advancement. Man’s inability to understand and appreciate the thought and the viewpoint of another man would be a stumbling block which no amount of mechanical ability could overcome. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 119) * Man was engaged in a mad scramble for power and knowledge, but nowhere is there any hint of what he meant to do with it once he had attained it. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 120) * Individualists would have little use for a device which would make them understand one another, for they would not care whether they understood one another. ** Chapter 5, “Paradise” (p. 139) * One [[world]] and then another, running like a chain. One world treading on the heels of another world that plodded just ahead. One world’s tomorrow, another world’s today. And yesterday is tomorrow, and tomorrow is the past.<br>Except, there wasn’t any past. No past, that was, except the figment of remembrance that flitted like a night-winged thing in the shadow of one’s mind. No past that one could reach. No pictures painted on the wall of time. No film that one could run backwards and see what-once-had-been...<br>One road was open, but another road was closed. Not closed, of course, for it had never been. For there wasn’t any past, there never had been any, there wasn’t room for one. Where there should have been a past there was another world. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 195-196) * “There isn’t any room,” said Joshua. “You travel back along the line of time and you don’t find the past, but another world, another bracket of consciousness. The earth would be the same, you see, or almost the same. Same trees, same rivers, same hills, but it wouldn’t be the world we know. Because it has lived a different life, it has developed differently. The second back of us is not the second back of us at all, but another second, a totally separate sector of time. We live in the same second all the time. We move along within the bracket of that second, that tiny bit of time that has been allotted to our particular world.” ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 206-207) * We thought all the [[time]] that we were passing through time when we really weren’t, when we never have. We’ve just been moving along with time. We said, there’s another second gone, there’s another minute and another hour and another day, when, as a matter of fact the second or the minute or the hour was never gone. It was the same one all the time. It had just moved along and we had moved with it. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 207) * The past, he said. The past is too much with me. And the past has made me useless. I have too much to remember—so much to remember that it becomes more important than the things there are to do. I’m living in the past and that is no way to live. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 201) * What is a bow and arrow?<br>It is the beginning of the end. It is the winding path that grows to the roaring road of war.<br>It is a plaything and a weapon and a triumph in human engineering.<br>It is the first faint stirring of an atom bomb.<br>It is a symbol of a way of life. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 210) ===''[[w:Ring Around the Sun|Ring Around the Sun]]'' (1954) === [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|right|[[Time]] was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a [[universe]] so vastly beyond [[human]] comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.]] [[File:Einstein ring SDSS J120540.43 491029.3.jpg|thumb|right|If you held a certain [[time]] [[sense]] you could break from one bracket to another, and when you did you would not find [[yesterday]] or [[tomorrow]], but another [[world]].]] * '''There was no [[time]], Hezekiah had said. No such thing as time in the terms of normal human [[thought]]. Time was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a universe so vastly beyond human comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.'''<br>And time itself? Time was a never-ending medium that stretched into the future and the past — except there was no future and no past, but an infinite number of brackets, extending either way, each bracket enclosing its single phase of the Universe. <br>Back on Man's original [[Earth]], there had been speculation on travelling in time, of going back into yesterday or forward into tomorrow. And now he knew that you could not do it, that the same instant of time remained forever within each bracket, that Man's Earth had ridden the same bubble of the single instant from the time of its genesis and that it would die and come to nothing within that self-same instant. <br>You could travel in time, of course, but there would be no yesterday and no tomorrow. But if you held a certain time sense you could break from one bracket to another, and '''when you did you would not find yesterday or tomorrow, but another world.''' * '''There was a [[world]] of [[mutants]], [[men]] and [[women]] who were [[Paranormal|more than normal]] men and women, persons who had certain [[human]] [[talents]] and certain human [[understandings]] which the [[normal]] men and women of the world had never [[known]], or having known, could not utilize in their [[entirety]], unable to use [[intelligently]] all the [[mighty]] [[powers]] which lay dormant in their [[brains]].''' * '''The people finally know.<br> They've been told about the mutants.'''<br> And they hated the mutants.<br> Of course, they hated them.<br> '''They hated them because the existence of the mutants makes them second-class humans, because they are Neanderthalers suddenly invaded by a bow and arrow people.''' === ''[[w:Time is the Simplest Thing|Time is the Simplest Thing]]'' (1961) === :<small> All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Doubleday </small> [[File:Sfxx0850.jpg|thumb|right|It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew...]] [[File:Vittore Carpaccio 075.jpg|thumb|right|Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth?]] * Whatever [[doubt]] might rise, he knew that he was right. But the rightness was an intellectual rightness and the doubt emotional. ** Chapter 3 (p. 14) * The party was beginning to get noisy—not boisterous, but noisy. It was beginning to acquire that stale air of futility to which, in the end, all parties must fall victim. ** Chapter 5 (p. 26) * You sometimes get a thrill at knowing where you are. You’re often filled with wonder, but more often you are puzzled. You are reminded, again and yet again, of how insignificant you are. And there are times when you forget that you are human. You’re just a blob of life—brother to everything that ever existed or ever will exist. ** Chapter 9 (p. 69) * What do you mean by [[faith]]? Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth? Is the attitude of faith, of believing in something for which there can be no more than philosophic [[proof]], the true mark of a Christian? ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * They sat for a moment, regarding one another; neither understanding. As if we were two [[Alien life|aliens]], thought Blaine. With viewpoints that did not come within a million miles of coinciding, and yet they both were men. ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * He knew that there was [[death]]—that there must be death if there were [[evolution]], that death was one of the mechanisms that biologically spelled progress and advancement for evolutionary species. ** Chapter 10 (p. 75) * This was the [[past]] and it was the dead past; there were only corpses in it—and perhaps not even corpses, but the shadows of those corpses. For the dead trees and the fence posts and the bridges and the buildings on the hill all would classify as shadows. There was no [[life]] here; the life was up ahead. Life must occupy but a single point in time, and as time moved forward, life moved with it. And so was gone, thought Blaine, any dream that Man might have ever held of visiting the past and living in the action and the thought and the viewpoint of men who’d long been dust. For the living past did not exist, nor did the human past except in the records of the past. The present was the only valid point for life—life kept moving on, keeping pace with the present, and once it had passed, all traces of it or its existences were carefully erased. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * There were certain basic things, perhaps—the very earth, itself—which existed through every point in time, holding a sort of limited eternity to provide a solid matrix. And the dead—the dead and fabricated—stayed in the past as ghosts. The fence posts and the wire strung on them, the dead trees, the farm buildings, and the bridge were shadows of the present persisting in the past. Persisting, perhaps, reluctantly, because since they had no life they could not move along. They were bound in [[time]] and stretched through time and they were long, long shadows.<br>He was, he realized with a shock, the only living thing existing in this moment on this earth. He and nothing else. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * Where would one find an answer? For the belief—the will to believe—was engrained deeply in the human fiber. Not entirely, either, in the matrix of the present situation, but in the blood and bone of Man clear back to the caves. There was in the soul of Man a certain deadly fascination with all things macabre. The situation as it stood had been grasped willingly, almost eagerly, by men for whom the world had become a rather tame and vapid place with no terror in it beyond the brute force [[Fear|terror]] of atomic weapons and the dread uncertainty of unstable men in [[power]]. ** Chapter 13 (p. 101) * For this, he realized, was the [[future]]. It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew. It was a place where nothing yet had happened—an utter emptiness. There was neither light nor dark; there was nothing here but emptiness. There had never been anything in this place, nor was anything ever intended to occupy this place—until this very moment when he and his machine had been thrust upon it, intruders who had overstepped their time. ** Chapter 33 (pp. 174-175) * The red thought rose up inside Blaine’s brain: Why not kill him now?<br>For the [[Homicide|killing]] would come easy. He was an easy man to [[Hatred|hate]]. Not on principle alone, but personally, clear down to his guts. ** Chapter 26 (p. 206) * In those villages, he wondered, how much ability and [[genius]] might be lying barren, ability and genius that the world could use but would never know because of the intolerance and hate which was held against the very people who were least qualified as the targets of it.<br>And the pity of it was that such hate and such intolerance would never have been born, could never have existed, had it not been for men like Finn—the bigots and the egomaniacs; the harsh, stern Puritans; the little men who felt the need of [[power]] to lift them from their smallness. ** Chapter 30 (p. 227) * They were the misfits of the world, the outcasts, for they deviated from the norm of humanity as established through all of history. Yet it was this very deviation which made them the hope of all mankind. Ordinary human beings—the kind of human beings who had brought the race this far—were not enough today. The ordinary humans had pushed the culture forward as far as they could push it. It had served its purpose; it had brought the ordinary human as far as he could go. Now the race evolved. Now new abilities had awoke and grown—exactly as the creatures of the Earth had evolved and specialized and then evolved again from that first moment when the first feeble spark of life had come into being in the seething chemical bath of a new and madcap planet.<br>Twisted brains, the normal people called them; magic people, dwellers of the darkness—and could anyone say no to this? For each people set its standards for each generation and these standards and these norms were not set by any universal rule, by no all-encompassing yardstick, but by what amounted to majority agreement, with the choice arrived at through all the prejudice and bias, all the faulty thinking and the unstable logic to which all [[intelligence]] is prone. ** Chapter 31 (pp. 233-234) * It was not his fight. Not personally his fight. No more his fight than any one of them. But he had made it his. Because of Stone, because of Rand and Harriet, because of priest who’d hounded him across half the continent, he had tried to make a fight of it. And perhaps, as well, because of something undefinable, unknown to himself, unsuspected in himself—some crazy idealism, some deep-rooted sense of [[justice]], some basic aversion to bullies and bigots and reformers. ** Chapter 32 (p. 245) * It was [[authority]] that turned men suspicious and stern-faced. Authority and responsibility which made them not themselves, but a sort of corporate body that tried to think as a corporate body rather than as a person. ** Chapter 32 (pp. 245-246) * They’d lived all their life on [[Earth]]; they knew nothing but the Earth. They had never really touched an alien concept, and that was all this concept was. It was not really as slimy as it seemed. It was only alien. There were a lot of alien things that could make one’s hair stand up on end while in their proper alien context they were fairly ordinary. ** Chapter 32 (p. 249) * “Anita,” he asked, “are there really werewolves?”<br>“Yes,” she told him. “Your werewolves are down there.”<br>And that was right, he thought. The darkness of the [[mind]], the bleakness of the [[thought]], the shallowness of [[purpose]]. These were the werewolves of the world. ** Chapter 34 (p. 263) === ''[[w:Way Station|Way Station]]'' (1963) === [[File:Milky Way from Flickr.jpg|thumb|right| There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew...]] [[File:CL0024+17.jpg|thumb|right|Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined.]] [[File:Apophysis El Dorado.jpg|thumb|right|His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.]] [[File:Schematicy-atom.svg|thumb|right|He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.]] [[File:6205 - Meiringen - Reichenbachfall viewed from Sandstrasse.JPG|thumb|right|This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.]] [[File:Nuclear_artillery_test_Grable_Event_-_Part_of_Operation_Upshot-Knothole.jpg|thumb|right|Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.]] [[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force. It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us.]] * '''It was a hopeless thing, he thought, this obsession of his to present the people of the Earth as good and reasonable. For in many ways they were neither good nor reasonable; perhaps because they had not as yet entirely grown up.''' They were smart and quick and at times compassionate and even understanding, but they failed lamentably in many other ways.<br>But if they had the chance, Enoch told himself, if they ever got a break, if they only could be told what was out in space, then they'd get a grip upon themselves and they would measure up and then, in the course of time, would be admitted into the great cofraternity of the people of the stars. ** Ch. 11 * '''There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew.'''<br> There were men on Earth who could make sense of it. Men who would give anything short of their very lives to know the little that he knew, and could put it all to use.<br>'''Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined. And never might imagine, if left on his own.''' ** Ch. 11 * The impulse patterns which carried creatures star to star were almost instantaneous, no matter what the distance.<br>He stood and thought about it and it still was hard, he admitted to himself, for a person to believe. ** Ch. 12 * '''His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.''' There was a name for that machine, but there was no word in the English language which closely approximated it. "[[w:Amulet|Talisman]]" was the closest, but Talisman was too crude a word. Although that had been the word that Ulysses had used when, some years ago, they had talked of it. ** Ch. 12 * The Talisman could be operated only by certain beings with certain types of minds and something else besides (could it be, he wondered, with certain kinds of souls?). "Sensitives" was the word he had used in his mental translation of the term for these kinds of people, but once again, he could not be sure if the word came close to fitting. The Talisman was placed in the custody of the most capable, or the most efficient, or the most devoted (whichever it might be) of the galactic sensitives, who carried it from star to star in a sort of eternal progression. And on each planet the people came to make personal and individual contact with the spiritual force through the intervention and the agency of the Talisman and its custodian.<br> He found that he was shivering at the thought of it — the pure ecstasy of reaching out and touching the spirituality that flooded through the galaxy and, undoubtedly, through the universe. The assurance would be there, he thought, the assurance that life had a special place in the great scheme of existence, that one, no matter how small, how feeble, how insignificant, still did count for something in the vast sweep of space and time. ** Ch. 12 * '''He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.''' And the fact of the matter was that he had just barely understood enough to make the concept work, but had not understood enough to be aware of its consequences. ** Ch. 13 * The Hazer would be arriving at about the same time as Ulysses and the three of them could spend a pleasant evening. It was not too often that two good friends ever visited here at once. <br> He stood a bit aghast at thinking of the Hazer as a friend, for more than likely the being itself was one he had never met. But that made little difference, for a Hazer, any Hazer, would turn out to be a friend. ** Ch. 14 * Could it be, he wondered, that the goldenness was the Hazers' life force and that they wore it like a cloak, as a sort of over-all disguise? Did they wear that life force on the outside of them while all other creatures wore it on the inside? ** Ch. 15 * '''He had acted on an impulse, with no thought at all. The girl had asked protection and here she had protection, here nothing in the world ever could get at her.''' But she was a human being and no human being, other than himself, should have ever crossed the threshold.<br> But it was done and there was no way to change it. Once across the threshold, there was no way to change it. ** Ch. 16 * She looked quickly up. And then her eyes once more went back to the flashing thing she was holding in her hands.<br> He saw that it was the pyramid of spheres and now all the spheres were spinning slowly, in alternating clockwise and counterclockwise motions, and that as they spun they shone and glittered, each in its own particular color, as if there might be, deep inside each one of them, a source of soft, warm light.<br>'''Enoch caught his breath at the beauty and the wonder of it — the old, hard wonder of what this thing might be and what it might be meant to do.''' He had examined it a hundred times or more and had puzzled at it and there had been nothing he could find that was of significance. So far as he could see, it was only something that was meant to be looked at, although there had been that persistent feeling that it had a purpose and that, perhaps, somehow, it was meant to operate.<br>'''And now it was in operation.''' He had tried a hundred times to get it figured out and Lucy had picked it up just once and had got it figured out.<br> He noticed the rapture with which she was regarding it. Was it possible, he wondered, that she knew its purpose? ** Ch. 18 * '''Hank Fisher would tell how he'd tried to break into the house and couldn't and there'd be others who would try to break into the house and there'd be hell to pay.'''<br> Enoch sweated, thinking of it.<br> '''All the years of keeping out of people's way, all the years of being unobtrusive would be for nothing then. This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.''' ** Ch. 18 * The alien stood in shadow and he looked, Enoch thought, more than ever like the cruel clown. His lithe, flowing body had the look of smoked, tanned buckskin. The patchwork color of his hide seemed to shine with a faint luminescence and the sharp, hard angles of his face, the smooth baldness of his head, the flat, pointed ears pasted tight against the skull lent him a vicious fearsomeness.<br> If one did not know him for the gentle character that he was, Enoch told himself, he would be enough to scare a man out of seven years of growth. ** Ch. 19 * The Talisman has been missing for several years or so. And no one knows about it — except Galactic Central and the — what would you call it? — the hierarchy, I suppose, the organization of mystics who takes care of the spiritual setup. And yet, even with no one knowing, the galaxy is beginning to show wear. It's coming apart at the seams. In time to come, it may fall apart. As if the Talisman represented a force that all unknowingly held the races of the galaxy together, exerting its influence even when it remained unseen. ** Ch. 21 * '''It's not the machine itself that does the trick. The machine merely acts as an intermediary between the sensitive and the spiritual force.''' It is an extension of the sensitive. It magnifies the capability of the sensitive and acts as a link of some sort. It enables the sensitive to perform his function. ** Ch. 21 * If there could only be more time, he thought. But, of course, there never was. There was not the time right now and there would never be. No matter how many centuries he might be able to devote, there'd always be so much more knowledge than he'd gathered at the moment that the little he had gathered would always seem a pittance. ** Ch. 23 * '''That had not been the first time nor had it been the last, but all the years of killing boiled down in essence to that single moment — not the time that came after, but that long and terrible instant when he had watched the lines of men purposefully striding up the slope to kill him.''' <br> It had been in that moment that he had realized the insanity of war, the futile gesture that in time became all but meaningless, the unreasoning rage that must be nursed long beyond the memory of the incident that had caused the rage, the sheer illogic that one man, by death or misery, might prove a right or uphold a principle.<br> '''Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.''' ** Ch. 25 * There was a comfort in the thought, a strange sort of personal comfort in being able to believe that some intelligence might have solved the riddle of that mysterious equation of the universe. And how, perhaps, that mysterious equation might tie in with the spiritual force that was idealistic brother to time and space and all those other elemental factors that held the universe together. ** Ch. 30 * '''Ulysses, he thought, had not told him all the truth about the Talisman. He had told him that it had disappeared and that the galaxy was without it, but he had not told him that for many years its power and glory had been dimmed by the failure of its custodian to provide linkage between the people and the force.''' And all that time the corrosion occasioned by that failure had eaten away at the bonds of the galactic cofraternity. ** Ch. 30 * '''How strange it is, he thought, how so many senseless things shape our destiny.''' For the rifle range had been a senseless thing, as senseless as a billiard table or a game of cards — designed for one thing only, to please the keeper of the station. And yet the hours he'd spent there had shaped toward this hour and end, to this single instant on this restricted slope of ground. ** Ch. 32 [[File:Paradiso Canto 31.jpg|thumb|right|Perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.]] * '''There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force.''' It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us. ** Ch. 33 * A machine, a mechanism, no more than a tool — technological brother to the hoe, the wrench, the hammer — and yet as far a cry from these as the human brain was from that first amino acid which had come into being on this planet when the Earth was very young. '''One was tempted, Enoch thought, to say that this was as far as a tool could go, that it was the ultimate in the ingenuity possessed by any brain. But that would be a dangerous way of thinking, for perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.''' For each new development produced, as side effects, so many other possibilities, so many other roads to travel, that with each step one took down any given road there were more paths to follow. There'd never be an end, he thought — no end to anything. ** Ch. 33 * She always had been in touch with something outside of human ken. She had something in her no other human had. You sensed it, but you could not name it, for there was no name for this thing she had. And she had fumbled with it, trying to use it, not knowing how to use it, charming off the warts and healing poor hurt butterflies and only God knew what other acts that she performed unseen. ** Ch. 34 * The [[river]] rolled below him and the river did not care. [[Nothing]] mattered to the river. It would take the tusk of mastodon, the skull of sabertooth, the rib cage of a man, the dead and sunken tree, the thrown rock or rifle and would swallow each of them and cover them in mud or sand and roll gurgling over them, hiding them from sight. <br /> '''A million [[years]] [[Past|ago]] there had been no river here and in a million years [[Future|to come]] there might be no river — but in a million years from now there would be, if not [[Human|Man]], at least a caring thing. And that was the [[secret]] of the [[universe]], Enoch told himself — a thing that went on caring.''' ** Ch. 35 === ''[[w:All Flesh is Grass (novel)|All Flesh is Grass]]'' (1965) === :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award for Best Novel]] in 1966. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the mass market edition published by Avon Books, September 1978, ISBN 0-380-39933-4 </small> * What strange circumstances, or what odd combination of many circumstances, must occur, I wondered, to make it possible for a man to step from one world to another. ** Chapter 11 (p. 105) * For even if the life of my own Earth and this other Earth on which I stood had started out identically (and they might well have started out identically) there still would be, along the way, millions of little deviations, no one of which, perhaps, by itself, would be significant, but the cumulative effects of all these deviations eventually would result in a life and culture that would bear no resemblance to any other Earth. ** Chapter 12 (p. 123) * Even if the barrier now should disappear and the Flowers withdraw their attention from our Earth, we still would have been shaken from the comfortable little rut which assumed that life as we know it was the only kind of life and that our road of knowledge was the only one that was broad and straight and paved.<br>There had been ogres in the past, by finally the ogres had been banished. The trolls and ghouls and imps and all the others of the tribe had been pushed out of our lives, for they could survive only on the misty shores of ignorance and in the land of superstition. Now, I thought, we’d know an ignorance again (but a different kind of ignorance) and superstition, too, for superstition fed upon the lack of knowledge. With this hint of another world—even if its denizens should decide not to flaunt themselves, even if we should find a way to stop them—the trolls and ghouls and goblins would be back with us again. There’d be chimney corner gossip of this other place and a frantic, desperate search to rationalize the implied horror of its vast and unknown reaches, and out of this very search would rise a horror greater than any the other world could hold. We’d be afraid, as we had been before, of the darkness that lay beyond the little circle of our campfire. ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * “They’re just ordinary people,” Nancy said. “You can’t expect too much of them.” ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * They would fail. We would always fail. We weren’t built to do anything but fail. We had the wrong kind of motives and we couldn’t change them. We had a built-in short-sightedness and an inherent selfishness and a self-concern that made it impossible to step out of the little human rut we traveled. ** Chapter 18 (p. 195) * We feel much sorrow for you, the elm tree had said. But what kind of sorrow—a real and sincere sorrow, or the superficial and pedantic sorrow of the immortal for a frail and flickering creature that was about to die? ** Chapter 24 (p. 247) === ''Why Call Them Back From Heaven?'' (1967) === * "One thing more, son. Do you believe in [[God]]?" <br>Slowly Frost put the spoon back into the bowl. <br>He asked: "You really want an answer?" <br>"I want an answer," said the man. "I want an honest one." <br>'''"The answer," said Frost, "is that I don't know. Not, certainly, in the kind of God that you are thinking of. Not the old white-whiskered, woodcut gentleman. But a supreme being — yes, I would believe in a God of that sort.''' Because it seems to me there must be some sort of force or power or will throughout the [[universe]]. The universe is too orderly for it to be otherwise. When you measure all this orderliness, from the mechanism of the atom at one end of the scale, out to the precision of the operation of the universe at the other end, it seems unbelievable that there is not a supervisory force of some kind, a benevolent ruling force to maintain that sort of order." === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|A Choice of Gods]]'' (1972) === [[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out of the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect.]] [[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid...]] :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award for Best Novel]] in 1973. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, September 1973, {{ISBN|0425024121}}, 5th printing </small> * The robots are not technologically minded. They were not built to be. They were built to bolster human vanity and pride, to meet a strange longing that seems to be built into the human ego—the need to have other humans (or a reasonable facsimile of other humans) to minister to our wants and needs, human slaves to be dominated, human beings over which a man or woman (or a child) can assert authority, thus building up a false feeling of superiority. ** Chapter 1 (pp. 6-7) * He sat in the chair, unmoving, looking at the room and wondering again at the quiet satisfaction that he always found within it, and at times more than satisfaction, as if the room, with its book-lined loftiness and vastness, carried a special benediction. The thoughts of many men, he told himself, resided in the space—all the great thinkers of the world held secure between the bindings of the volumes on the shelves, selected and placed there long ago by his grandfather so that in the days to come the essence of the human race, the heritage of recorded thought, would always be at hand. ** Chapter 3 (pp. 16-17) * —Look, said Jason, it is an old idea. There was never any proof. There was only faith. I have a soul, one would tell himself. He believed it because he had been told by others. Told authoritatively. Without any question. He was told so often and he told himself so often that there was no question in his mind that he had a soul. But there was never any evidence. There was never any proof. ** Chapter 5 (p. 42) * It seems to be a social axiom that as misery and privation increase for the many, the few rise ever higher in luxury and comfort, feeding on the misery. Not aware, perhaps, that they feed upon the misery, not with any wish of feeding on it—but they do. ** Chapter 6 (p. 46) * Could it be possible, Hezekiah asked himself, that there was no room for both the faith and truth, that they were mutually exclusive qualities that could not coexist? He shuddered as he thought of it, for if this should be the case, they had spent their centuries of devotion to but little purpose, pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp. Must faith be exactly that, the willingness and ability to believe in the face of a lack of evidence? If one could find the evidence, would then the faith be dead? If that were the situation, then which one did they want? Had it been, he wondered, that men had tried what they even now were trying and had realized that there was no such thing as truth, but only faith, and being unable to accept the faith without its evidence, had dropped the faith as well? ** Chapter 7 (p. 52) * He doubted very much that at any time man could have been said to have truly owned the earth. Rather, they had taken it, wresting it from the other creatures that had as much right of ownership as they, but without the intelligence or the ingenuity or power to assert their rights. Man had been pushy, arrogant interloper rather than the owner. He had taken over by the force of mind, which could be as detestable as the force of muscle, making his own rules, setting his own goals, establishing his own values in utter disregard of all other living things. ** Chapter 13 (p. 84) * And how much did he and the others lost when they had turned their backs on magic? Belief, of course, and there might be some value in belief, although there was, as well, delusion and did a man want to pay for the value of belief in the coinage of delusion? ** Chapter 15 (pp. 96-97) * ''The situation outlined is immaterial to us. We could help humanity, but there is no reason that we should. Humanity is a transient factor and is none of our concern.'' ** Chapter 22 (p. 130) * I have become a student of the sky and know all the clouds there are and have firmly fixed in mind the various hues of blue that the sky can show—the washed-out, almost invisible blue of a hot, summer noon; the soft robin’s egg, sometimes almost greenish blue of a late springtime evening, the darker, almost violet blue of fall. I have become a connoisseur of the coloring that the leaves take on in autumn and I know all the voices and the moods of the woods and river valley. I have, in a measure, entered into communion with nature, and in this wise have followed in the footsteps of Red Cloud and his people, although I am sure that their understanding and their emotions are more fine-tuned than mine are. I have seen, however, the roll of seasons, the birth and death of leaves, the glitter of the stars on more nights than I can number and from all this as from nothing else I have gained a sense of a purpose and an orderliness which it does not seem to me can have stemmed from accident alone.<br>It seems to me, thinking of it, that there must be some universal plan which set in motion the orbiting of the electrons about the nucleus and the slower, more majestic orbit of the galaxies about one another to the very edge of space. There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out from the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect. But if we are looking for something on which to pin our faith—and, indeed, our hope—the plan might well be it. I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid... ** Chapter 24 (pp. 136-137) * Now it seemed that this had been a self-sustained illusion he had nourished carefully to bolster a sense of his own importance. ** Chapter 25 (p. 140) * These kind never change. The machine does something to a man. It brutalizes him. It serves as a buffer between himself and his environment and he is the worst for it. It arouses an opportunistic instinct and makes possible a greed that makes a man inhuman. ** Chapter 28 (p. 152) * For the old do not really mind; in a strange way they become sufficient to themselves. They need so very little and they care so very little. They climb the mountain no one else can see and as they climb the old, once-valued things they’ve carried all their lives tend to drop away and as they climb the higher the knapsack that they carry becomes emptier, but perhaps no less in weight than it had ever been, and the few things that are left in it, they find, with some amusement, or those few indispensable belongings which they’ve gathered in a long lifetime of effort and of seeking. They wonder greatly, if they think of it at all, how it was left to age to winnow out the chaff they’ve carried all the years, thinking that it was valuable when it was only chaff. When they reach the mountain top, they find that they can see farther than they’ve ever seen before and with greater clarity and, if by this time they’re not past all caring, may bemoan that they must approach the end of their lives before they can see with this marvelous clarity, which does little for them now, but might, in earlier years, have been of incalculable value. ** Chapter 30 (pp. 157-158) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|Cemetery World]]'' (1973) === [[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|right|I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same... there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.]] [[File:Whirpool Galaxy.jpg|thumb|right|If we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...]] :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, July 1974, {{ISBN|0425026264}} </small> * '''The sun was setting, throwing a fog-like dusk across the stream and trees, and there was a coolness in the air.''' It was time, I knew, to be getting back to camp. But I did not want to move. For '''I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same; no matter how many times I might return to this particular spot the place and feeling would never be the same, something would be lost or something would be added, and there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.''' * '''I find it a most intriguing and amusing thing that it might be possible to package the experiences, not only of one's self, but of other people.''' Think of the hoard we might then lay up against our later, lonely years when all old friends are gone and the opportunity for new experiences have withered. All we need to do then is to reach up to a shelf and take down a package that we have bottled or preserved or whatever the phrase might be, say from a hundred years ago, and uncorking it, enjoy the same experience again, as sharp and fresh as the first time it had happened... '''I have tried to imagine ... the various ingredients one might wish to compound in such a package. Beside the bare experience itself, the context of it, one might say, he should want to capture and hold all the subsidiary factors which might serve as a background for it — the sound, the feel of wind and sun, the cloud floating in the sky, the color and the scent. For such a packaging, to give the desired results, must be as perfect as one can make it. It must have all those elements which would be valuable in invoking the total recall of some event that had taken place many years before...''' * "As an auxiliary to all of this," he said, "I have found myself speculating upon a world in which no one ever grew up. I admit, of course, that it is a rather acrobatic feat of thinking, not entirely consistent, to leap from the one idea to the other. In a world where one was able to package his experiences, he merely would be able to relive at some future time the experiences of the past. But in a world of the eternally young he'd have no need of such packaging. Each new day would bring the same freshness and the everlasting wonder inherent in the world of children. There would be no realization of death and no fear born of the knowledge of the future. Life would be eternal and there'd be no thought of change. One would exist in an everlasting matrix and while there would be little variation from one day to the next, one would not be aware of this and there'd be no boredom..." === ''Shakespeare's Planet'' (1976)=== [[File:Glory 2004.04.650.jpg|thumb|right|[[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists...]] * [[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists... === ''A Heritage of Stars'' (1977) === [[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|right|If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.]] * '''Space is an illusion, and time as well. There is no such factor as either time or space. We have been blinded by our own cleverness, blinded by false perceptions of those qualities that we term eternity and infinity.''' There is another factor that explains it all, and once this universal factor is recognized, everything grows simple. There is no longer any mystery, no longer any wonder, no longer any doubt; for the simplicity of it all lies before us... * We came into a homeless frontier, a place where we were not welcome, where nothing that lived was welcome, where thought and logic were abhorrent and we were frightened, but we went into this place because the universe lay before us, and '''if we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...''' * '''If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.''' === ''Highway of Eternity'' (1986) === [[File:Soap bubble sky.jpg|thumb|right|They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is...]] [[File:Canis lupus standing in snow.jpg|thumb|right|The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.]] [[File:Cantel 24cell1.png|thumb|right|Time means nothing to it … nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them.]] [[File:Hoag's object.jpg|thumb|right|"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> Not so small as you might think.]] * '''A wrongness persisted, a sense of aberration, some factor not quite right, the feeling of a corner. But Boone could not pin it down; there seemed no way to reach it.''' * "We're very close to immortal, you know. The time mechanism keeps it that way." <br>"No, I hadn't known," said Boone. <br>"Inside the time bubble we do not age. We age only when we are outside of it." * "They changed," said Enid, "from corporeal beings, from biological beings, to incorporeal beings, immaterial, pure intelligences. They now are ranged in huge communities on crystal lattices..." * '''What your friend told you of his seeing of the time wall is true, Henry said in Boone's mind. I know he saw it, although imperfectly.''' Your friend is most unusual. So far as I know, no other human actually can see it; although there are ways of detecting time. I tried to show him a sniffler. There are a number of snifflers, trying to sniff out the bubble. '''They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is.''' * "We have time travel," she said, "and none of us, I am sure, really understands it. We stole it from the Infinites. To steal time travel was the one way we could fight back, the one way we could flee. The human race had far space travel before the Infinites showed up. I think it was our far travel that aroused the interest of the Infinites in us. I've often wondered if some of the very primitive principles of time might not have made our many-times-faster-than-light travel possible. Time is somehow tied into space, but I have never known quite how." * '''He stirred again, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and he was not alone.''' Across the fire from him sat, or seemed to sit, a man wrapped in some all-enveloping covering that might have been a cloak, wearing on his head a conical hat that dropped down so far it hid his face. Beside him sat the wolf — the wolf, for Boone was certain that it was the same wolf with which he'd found himself sitting nose to nose when he had wakened the night before. '''The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.''' <br>He stared at the hat. Who are you? What is this about? <br>He spoke in his mind, talking to himself, not really to the hat. He had not spoken aloud for fear of startling the wolf. <br>'''The Hat replied. It is about the brotherhood of life. Who I am is of no consequence. I am only here to act as an interpreter.''' <br>An interpreter for whom? <br>For the wolf and you. <br>But the wolf does not talk. <br>No, he does not talk. But he thinks. He is greatly pleased and puzzled. <br>Puzzled I can understand. But pleased? <br>He feels a sameness with you. He senses something in you that reminds him of himself. He puzzles what you are. <br>In time to come, said Boone, he will be one with us. He will become a dog. <br>'''If he knew that, said The Hat, it would not impress him. He thinks now to be one with you. An equal. A dog is not your equal...''' * '''Perversity, she thought. Could that have been what happened to the human race — a willing perversity that set at naught all human values which had been so hardly won and structured in the light of reason for a span of more than a million years? Could the human race, quite out of hand and with no sufficient reason, have turned its back upon everything that had built humanity?''' Or was it, perhaps, no more than second childhood, a shifting of the burden off one's shoulders and going back to the selfishness of the child who romped and frolicked without thought of consequence or liability? * '''"It is a net," said Horseface, "useful for the fishing of the universe."''' <br>Enid crinkled up her face, staring at what he called a net. It was a flimsy thing and it had no shape. <br>"Certainly," she said, "you would not go fishing the universe in so slight a thing as this."<br>''' "Time means nothing to it," said Horseface, "nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them."''' * Boone gulped and swallowed. He spoke to The Hat. <br>"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> '''That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].'''<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> '''Not so small as you might think.''' * "This is the core of the galaxy," Horseface said. "This is the very center of everything there is. A huge black hole eating up the galaxy. The end of everything." * '''"Much of what we see in the universe," said Hugo, "starts out as imaginary. Often you must imagine something before you can come to terms with it."''' * An untold time ago, there was a well-founded perception that the human race would end and that something else must take its place.<br>Why must something else take its place? <br> I cannot tell you that. There is no solid rationale for it, but the belief seemed to be that there must be a dominant race upon this planet. Before men were the dinosaurs and before the dinosaurs there were the trilobites... * '''Without consciousness and intelligence, the universe would lack meaning.''' == Quotes about Simak == * I never heard a bad word about him but only universal approval and approbation... [I have tried to] imitate his easy and uncluttered style. I think I have succeeded to an extent and that it has immeasurably improved my writing. He is the third of three people, then, who formed my writing career. [[John W. Campbell|John Campbel]]l and [[w:Frederik Pohl|Fred Pohl]] did it by precept, and Cliff Simak by example. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] in ''I, Asimov'' (1994) * Without Simak, science fiction would have been without its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the ordinary person and the value of life lived close to the land. ** [[w:James Gunn (author)|James Gunn]], as quoted in promotional quote on a 2016 edition of ''City'' * Since the earliest thirties, to read science fiction is to read Simak. A reader who does not like Simak stories does not like science fiction at all. **[[Robert A. Heinlein]], in a letter of appreciation, as quoted in ''Robert A. Heinlein : In Dialogue with His Century'', Volume 2: ''The Man Who Learned Better | 1948-1988'' (2014), p. 389 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.nndb.com/people/208/000044076/ Simak at NNDB] * [http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/clifford-d-simak/ Simak at Fantastic Fiction] * [http://templetongate.tripod.com/simak.htm Simak at Templeton Gate] * [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?Clifford_D._Simak Simak at ISFDB] * [http://www.tc.umn.edu/~brams006/simak/index.html Clifford Simak Fan Site] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20070823020035/http://www.geocities.com/fantasticreviews/choice_of_gods.htm Review of ''A Choice of Gods''] {{DEFAULTSORT: Simak, Clifford D.}} [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1988 deaths]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] 8ezv48a0l8cx66bpz84hhltk4mpzqlp 3155603 3155600 2022-08-17T16:46:26Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* Cemetery World (1973) */ cleanup; added chapter and page references wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Clifford Simak WS 3112.jpg|thumb|right|Simak as pictured in ''Wonder Stories'' in 1931.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Without [[consciousness]] and [[intelligence]], the [[universe]] would lack [[meaning]].]] '''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Clifford Donald Simak]]''' ([[3 August]] [[1904]] – [[25 April]] [[1988]]) was an American science fiction writer, and a winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards. [[File:Spacecolony3edit.jpeg|thumb|right|It would seem to me that by the [[time]] a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no [[economic]] [[necessity]] of its doing so.]] == Quotes == [[File:LightRefractsOf comb-rows of ctenophore Mertensia ovum.jpg|thumb|right|When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the [[universe]].]] [[File:Crystal DNA.jpg|thumb|right|We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...]] * '''When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the universe. It is only of life on Earth, however, that one can speak with any certainty. It seems to me that all life on Earth, the sum total of life upon the Earth, has purpose.''' If the means were available, we could trace our ancestry — yours and mine — back to the first blob of life-like material that came into being on the planet. The same thing could be done for the spider that spun his web in the grass, and of the grass in which the web was spun, the bird sitting in the tree and the tree in which he sits, the toad waiting for the fly beneath the bush, and for the fly and bush. '''We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...''' ** Interview in ''Speaking of Science Fiction: The Paul Walker Interviews'' (1978) * '''I have tried at times to place humans in perspective against the vastness of universal time and space.''' I have been concerned with where we, as a race, may be going and what may be our purpose in the universal scheme — if we have a purpose. In general, I believe we do, and perhaps an important one. ** As quoted in the Associated Press obituary (27 April 1988) === Short Fiction === ==== Skirmish (1977) ==== :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Berkley </small> * My reluctance to use alien invasion is due to the feeling that we are not likely to be invaded and taken over. It would seem to me that by the time a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no economic [[necessity]] of its doing so. By the time it was able to go into deep space, it must have arrived at an energy source which would not be based on planetary natural resources. ** Introduction (p. ix) * “McKay tells me that you went home sick,” she said. “Personally, I hope you don’t survive.” ** “Skirmish” (p. 44); originally published in [[w:Amazing Stories|Amazing Stories]], December 1950 * There have been moments when I also wasn’t able to attach as much importance to football as it seemed to me I should. ** “The Sitters” (p. 73); originally published in [[w:Galaxy Science Fiction|Galaxy Science Fiction]], April 1958 * Beyond his own sure knowledge, he had not a shred of proof. ** “The Sitters” (p. 90) * He sat and watched them come and he thought of going in to get a rifle, but he didn’t stir from his seat upon the steps. The rifle would do no good, he told himself. It would be a senseless thing to get it; more than that, a senseless attitude. The least that man could do, he thought, was to meet these creatures of another world with clean and empty hands. ** “[[w:The Big Front Yard|The Big Front Yard]]” (pp. 142-143); originally published in [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Astounding Science Fiction]], October 1958 [[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|right|He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.]] * '''Once again the universe was spread far out before him and it was a different and in some ways a better universe, a more diagrammatic universe, and in time, he knew, if there were such a thing as time, he'd gain some completer understanding and acceptance of it. <br>He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.''' <br>He thought with pity of those others locked inside the ship, safe behind its insulating walls, never knowing all the glories of the innards of a star or the vast panoramic sweep of vision and of knowing far above the flat galactic plane. <br>Yet he really did not know what he saw or probed; he merely sensed and felt it and became a part of it, and it became a part of him — he seemed unable to reduce it to a formal outline of fact or of dimension or of content. It still remained a knowledge and a power so overwhelming that it was nebulous. There was no fear and no wonder, for in this place, it seemed, there was neither fear nor wonder. And he finally knew that it was a place apart, a world in which the normal space-time knowledge and emotion had no place at all and a normal space-time being could have no tools or measuring stick by which he might reduce it to a frame of reference. <br>There was no time, no space, no fear, no wonder — and no actual knowledge, either. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (p. 165); originally published in [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction|The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction]], March 1960 * '''Perhaps all that had happened had been no more than the working out of human destiny. If the human race could not attain directly the paranormal power he held, this instinct of the mind, then they would gain it indirectly through the agency of one of their creations.''' Perhaps this, after all, unknown to Man himself, had been the prime purpose of the robots. <br>He turned and walked slowly down the length of village street, his back turned to the ship and the roaring of the captain, walked contentedly into this new world he'd found, into this world that he would make — not for himself, nor for robotic glory, but for a better Mankind and a happier. <br>Less than an hour before he'd congratulated himself on escaping all the traps of Earth, all the snares of Man. Not knowing that the greatest trap of all, the final and the fatal trap, lay on this present planet. <br>But that was wrong, he told himself. The trap had not been on this world at all, nor any other world. It had been inside himself. <br> He walked serenely down the wagon-rutted track in the soft, golden afternoon of a matchless autumn day, with the dog trotting at his heels. <br> Somewhere, just down the street, the sick baby lay crying in its crib. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (pp. 190-191); closing words. * Accident, he wondered, or a way of hiding? Trapped or planned? He had no way of knowing and further speculation was ridiculous, based as it necessarily must be upon earlier assumptions that were entirely without support. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (pp. 211-212); originally published in [[w:If (magazine)|Worlds of If]], March 1970 * First there was space—endless, limitless space, so far from everything, so brutal, so frigid, so uncaring that it numbed the mind, not so much from fear or loneliness as from the realization that in this eternity of space the thing that was himself was dwarfed to an insignificance no yardstick could measure. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (p. 220) * The old and the young, he thought. The old, who do not care; the young, who do not think. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 250); originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, October 1971 * In the east the [[moon]] was rising, a full moon that lighted the landscape so that he could see every little clump of bushes, every grove of trees. And as he stood there, he realized with a sudden start that the moon was full again, that it was always full, it rose with the setting of the sun and set just before the sun came up, and it was always a great pumpkin of a moon, an eternal harvest moon shining on an eternal autumn world. <br> The realization that this was so all at once seemed shocking. How was it that he had never noticed this before? Certainly he had been here long enough, had watched the moon often enough to have noticed it. He had been here long enough — and how long had that been, a few weeks, a few months, a year? He found he did not know. He tried to figure back and there was no way to figure back. There were no temporal landmarks. Nothing ever happened to mark one day from the next. [[Time]] flowed so smoothly and so uneventfully that it might as well stand still. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 251) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Time and Again]]'' (1951) === :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (catalogue number 81000) </small> * '''There is [[mystery]] here, but a soft, sure mystery that is understood and only remains a mystery because I want it so.''' The mystery of the nighthawk against a darkening [[sky]], the puzzle of the [[firefly]] along the lilac hedge. ** Chapter I (p. 6) * They are worse than the disinherited. They are not the has-beens, they are the never-weres. ** Chapter II (p. 14) * “You do not belong to any bona fide [[religion]] that prohibits killing?”<br>“I presume I could classify myself as a [[Christian]],” said Sutton. “I [[believe]] there is a Commandment about killing.”<br> The robot shook his head. “It doesn’t count.”<br>“It is clear and specific,” Sutton argued. “It says, ‘Thou shalt not kill.’”<br>“It is all of that,” the robot told him. “But it has been discredited. You humans discredited it yourselves. You never obeyed it. '''You either obey a [[law]] or you forfeit it. You can’t forget it with one breath and invoke it with the next.'''” ** Chapter V (pp. 27-28) * '''The chain of [[life]] runs smoothly from one generation to the next and none of the links stand out except here and there a link one sees by accident.''' ** Chapter XII (p. 72) * As he looked, Sutton felt the cold hand of loneliness reach down with icy fingers to take him in its grip. For here was sheer, mad loneliness such as he had never dreamed. '''Here was the very negation of life and motion, here was the stark, bald beginning when there was no life, nor even [[thought]] of life.''' Here anything that knew or thought or moved was an alien thing, a disease, a cancer on the face of [[nothingness]]. ** Chapter XIX (p. 99) * I have not long to live. I have lasted more than a man’s average allotted span, and while I still am hale and hearty, I know full well the [[hand]] of [[time]], while it may miss a man at one reaping, will get him at the next. ** Chapter XXI (p. 107) * I’m just a propagandist and a propagandist doesn’t have to know what he is talking about, just so he talks about it most convincingly. ** Chapter XXIV (p. 124) * “It’s a wonder to me,” said Adams sourly, “that you don’t simply melt down in the white heat of your brilliance.” ** Chapter XXV (p. 134) * It would be three-dimensional chess with a million billion squares and a million pieces, and with the [[rules]] changing ever move. ** Chapter XXV (p. 135) * And [[death]] was a soft thing, soft and black, cool and sweet and gracious. He slipped into it as a swimmer slips into the surf and it closed over him and held him and he felt the pulse and beat of it and knew the vastness and sureness of it. ** Chapter XXVI (p. 139) * Sutton sensed [[resurrection]] and he fought against it, for death was so comfortable. Like a soft, warm bed. And resurrection was a strident, insistent, maddening alarm clock that shrilled across the predawn chill of a dreadful, frowzy room. Dreadful with its life and its bare [[reality]] and its sharp, sickening reminder that one must get up and walk into reality again. ** Chapter XXVIII (p. 143) * [[Dreams]], she said. Broken dreams are bad enough. But the dream that has no [[hope]]...the dream that is doomed long before it’s broken, that’s the worst of all. ** Chapter XXXV (p. 183) * And here and there a [[human]] who saw the [[Righteousness|rightness]] of the proposition that [[Man]] could not, by mere [[self]]-assertion, be a special being; [[understanding]] that it was to his greater [[glory]] to take his place among the other things of life, as a simple thing of life, as a form of life that could lead and teach and be a [[friend]] rather than a thing that conquered and ruled and stood as one apart. ** Chapter XXXIX (p. 195) * '''Before Man goes to the [[stars]] he should learn how to live on [[Earth]].''' ** Chapter XLI (p. 204) * “[[Propaganda]],” Trevor said. “Let’s call it [[psychology]]. You say a thing so often and so well that after a time everyone believes it. Even, finally, yourself.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 215) * “It wouldn’t be the [[truth]],” said Sutton.<br>“That,” said Trevor, “doesn’t have a thing to do with it.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 220) * [[Memory]] and dust, he thought, link us to the [[past]]. ** Chapter XLIII (p. 224) === ''[[w:City (Clifford D. Simak novel)|City]]'' (1952) === [[File:Halo - Falköping - Sweden 2003.jpg|thumb|right|These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north.]] [[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|right|You travel back along the line of time and you don't find the past, but another [[world]], another bracket of consciousness.]] :<small> This is a fixup novel; the eight chapters correspond to eight previously published stories. Many editions of the novel have been published. </small> :<small> Won the [[w:International Fantasy Award|1953 International Fantasy Award]]. </small> :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (#10621) </small> * These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north. ** Editor’s Preface (p. 5) * Most authorities in [[economics]] and [[sociology]] regard such an organization as a city an impossible structure, not only from the economic standpoint, but from the sociological and psychological as well. No creature of the highly nervous structure necessary to develop a culture, they point out, would be able to survive within such restricted limits. The result, if it were tried, these authorities say, would lead to mass neuroticism which in a short period of time would destroy the very culture which had built the city. ** Notes on the First Tale (pp. 9-10) * These people must be helped to find themselves in this new world, but they must not know that they’re being helped. To let them know would destroy confidence and dignity, and human dignity is the keystone of any civilization. ** Chapter 1, “City” (p. 31) * “You sound like a rugged individualist,” said Webster.<br>“You say that like you think it’s funny,” yapped the mayor.<br>“I do think it’s funny,” said Webster. “Funny, and tragic, that anyone should think that way today.”<br>“The world would be a lot better off with some rugged individualism,” snapped the mayor. “Look at the men who have gone places—”<br>“Meaning yourself?” asked Weber.<br>“You might take me, for example,” Carter agreed. “I worked hard. I took advantage of opportunity. I had some foresight. I did—”<br>“You mean you licked the correct boots and stepped in the proper faces,” said Webster. “You’re the shining example of the kind of people the world doesn’t want today. You positively smell musty, your ideas are so old. You’re the last of the politicians, Carter, just as I was the last of the Chamber of Commerce secretaries. Only you don’t know it yet. I did. I got out. Even when it cost me something, I got out, because I had to save my self-respect. Your kind of politics is dead. They are dead because any tinhorn with a loud mouth and a brassy front could gain power by appeal to mob psychology. And you haven’t got mob psychology any more. You can’t have mob psychology when people don’t give a damn what happens to a thing that’s dead already—a political system that broke down under its own weight.” ** Chapter 1, “City” (pp. 34-35) * To cover up actual lack of knowledge, the tale develops an explanation which amounts to divine intervention. It is an easy and, to the primitive mind, a plausible and satisfactory way to explain something of which nothing at all is known. ** Notes on the Third Tale (p. 69) * Bit by bit, as the legend unfolds, the reader gets a more accurate picture of the human race. By degrees, one gains the conviction that here is a race which can be little more than pure fantasy. It is not the kind of race which could rise from humble beginnings to the eminence of culture with which it is gifted in these tales. Its equipment is too poor.<br>So far it lack of stability has become apparent. Its preoccupation with a mechanical civilization rather than with a culture based on some of the sounder, more worthwhile concepts of life indicates a lack of basic character.<br>And now, in this tale, we learn of the limited communications which it possessed, a situation which certainly is not conducive to advancement. Man’s inability to understand and appreciate the thought and the viewpoint of another man would be a stumbling block which no amount of mechanical ability could overcome. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 119) * Man was engaged in a mad scramble for power and knowledge, but nowhere is there any hint of what he meant to do with it once he had attained it. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 120) * Individualists would have little use for a device which would make them understand one another, for they would not care whether they understood one another. ** Chapter 5, “Paradise” (p. 139) * One [[world]] and then another, running like a chain. One world treading on the heels of another world that plodded just ahead. One world’s tomorrow, another world’s today. And yesterday is tomorrow, and tomorrow is the past.<br>Except, there wasn’t any past. No past, that was, except the figment of remembrance that flitted like a night-winged thing in the shadow of one’s mind. No past that one could reach. No pictures painted on the wall of time. No film that one could run backwards and see what-once-had-been...<br>One road was open, but another road was closed. Not closed, of course, for it had never been. For there wasn’t any past, there never had been any, there wasn’t room for one. Where there should have been a past there was another world. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 195-196) * “There isn’t any room,” said Joshua. “You travel back along the line of time and you don’t find the past, but another world, another bracket of consciousness. The earth would be the same, you see, or almost the same. Same trees, same rivers, same hills, but it wouldn’t be the world we know. Because it has lived a different life, it has developed differently. The second back of us is not the second back of us at all, but another second, a totally separate sector of time. We live in the same second all the time. We move along within the bracket of that second, that tiny bit of time that has been allotted to our particular world.” ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 206-207) * We thought all the [[time]] that we were passing through time when we really weren’t, when we never have. We’ve just been moving along with time. We said, there’s another second gone, there’s another minute and another hour and another day, when, as a matter of fact the second or the minute or the hour was never gone. It was the same one all the time. It had just moved along and we had moved with it. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 207) * The past, he said. The past is too much with me. And the past has made me useless. I have too much to remember—so much to remember that it becomes more important than the things there are to do. I’m living in the past and that is no way to live. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 201) * What is a bow and arrow?<br>It is the beginning of the end. It is the winding path that grows to the roaring road of war.<br>It is a plaything and a weapon and a triumph in human engineering.<br>It is the first faint stirring of an atom bomb.<br>It is a symbol of a way of life. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 210) ===''[[w:Ring Around the Sun|Ring Around the Sun]]'' (1954) === [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|right|[[Time]] was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a [[universe]] so vastly beyond [[human]] comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.]] [[File:Einstein ring SDSS J120540.43 491029.3.jpg|thumb|right|If you held a certain [[time]] [[sense]] you could break from one bracket to another, and when you did you would not find [[yesterday]] or [[tomorrow]], but another [[world]].]] * '''There was no [[time]], Hezekiah had said. No such thing as time in the terms of normal human [[thought]]. Time was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a universe so vastly beyond human comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.'''<br>And time itself? Time was a never-ending medium that stretched into the future and the past — except there was no future and no past, but an infinite number of brackets, extending either way, each bracket enclosing its single phase of the Universe. <br>Back on Man's original [[Earth]], there had been speculation on travelling in time, of going back into yesterday or forward into tomorrow. And now he knew that you could not do it, that the same instant of time remained forever within each bracket, that Man's Earth had ridden the same bubble of the single instant from the time of its genesis and that it would die and come to nothing within that self-same instant. <br>You could travel in time, of course, but there would be no yesterday and no tomorrow. But if you held a certain time sense you could break from one bracket to another, and '''when you did you would not find yesterday or tomorrow, but another world.''' * '''There was a [[world]] of [[mutants]], [[men]] and [[women]] who were [[Paranormal|more than normal]] men and women, persons who had certain [[human]] [[talents]] and certain human [[understandings]] which the [[normal]] men and women of the world had never [[known]], or having known, could not utilize in their [[entirety]], unable to use [[intelligently]] all the [[mighty]] [[powers]] which lay dormant in their [[brains]].''' * '''The people finally know.<br> They've been told about the mutants.'''<br> And they hated the mutants.<br> Of course, they hated them.<br> '''They hated them because the existence of the mutants makes them second-class humans, because they are Neanderthalers suddenly invaded by a bow and arrow people.''' === ''[[w:Time is the Simplest Thing|Time is the Simplest Thing]]'' (1961) === :<small> All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Doubleday </small> [[File:Sfxx0850.jpg|thumb|right|It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew...]] [[File:Vittore Carpaccio 075.jpg|thumb|right|Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth?]] * Whatever [[doubt]] might rise, he knew that he was right. But the rightness was an intellectual rightness and the doubt emotional. ** Chapter 3 (p. 14) * The party was beginning to get noisy—not boisterous, but noisy. It was beginning to acquire that stale air of futility to which, in the end, all parties must fall victim. ** Chapter 5 (p. 26) * You sometimes get a thrill at knowing where you are. You’re often filled with wonder, but more often you are puzzled. You are reminded, again and yet again, of how insignificant you are. And there are times when you forget that you are human. You’re just a blob of life—brother to everything that ever existed or ever will exist. ** Chapter 9 (p. 69) * What do you mean by [[faith]]? Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth? Is the attitude of faith, of believing in something for which there can be no more than philosophic [[proof]], the true mark of a Christian? ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * They sat for a moment, regarding one another; neither understanding. As if we were two [[Alien life|aliens]], thought Blaine. With viewpoints that did not come within a million miles of coinciding, and yet they both were men. ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * He knew that there was [[death]]—that there must be death if there were [[evolution]], that death was one of the mechanisms that biologically spelled progress and advancement for evolutionary species. ** Chapter 10 (p. 75) * This was the [[past]] and it was the dead past; there were only corpses in it—and perhaps not even corpses, but the shadows of those corpses. For the dead trees and the fence posts and the bridges and the buildings on the hill all would classify as shadows. There was no [[life]] here; the life was up ahead. Life must occupy but a single point in time, and as time moved forward, life moved with it. And so was gone, thought Blaine, any dream that Man might have ever held of visiting the past and living in the action and the thought and the viewpoint of men who’d long been dust. For the living past did not exist, nor did the human past except in the records of the past. The present was the only valid point for life—life kept moving on, keeping pace with the present, and once it had passed, all traces of it or its existences were carefully erased. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * There were certain basic things, perhaps—the very earth, itself—which existed through every point in time, holding a sort of limited eternity to provide a solid matrix. And the dead—the dead and fabricated—stayed in the past as ghosts. The fence posts and the wire strung on them, the dead trees, the farm buildings, and the bridge were shadows of the present persisting in the past. Persisting, perhaps, reluctantly, because since they had no life they could not move along. They were bound in [[time]] and stretched through time and they were long, long shadows.<br>He was, he realized with a shock, the only living thing existing in this moment on this earth. He and nothing else. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * Where would one find an answer? For the belief—the will to believe—was engrained deeply in the human fiber. Not entirely, either, in the matrix of the present situation, but in the blood and bone of Man clear back to the caves. There was in the soul of Man a certain deadly fascination with all things macabre. The situation as it stood had been grasped willingly, almost eagerly, by men for whom the world had become a rather tame and vapid place with no terror in it beyond the brute force [[Fear|terror]] of atomic weapons and the dread uncertainty of unstable men in [[power]]. ** Chapter 13 (p. 101) * For this, he realized, was the [[future]]. It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew. It was a place where nothing yet had happened—an utter emptiness. There was neither light nor dark; there was nothing here but emptiness. There had never been anything in this place, nor was anything ever intended to occupy this place—until this very moment when he and his machine had been thrust upon it, intruders who had overstepped their time. ** Chapter 33 (pp. 174-175) * The red thought rose up inside Blaine’s brain: Why not kill him now?<br>For the [[Homicide|killing]] would come easy. He was an easy man to [[Hatred|hate]]. Not on principle alone, but personally, clear down to his guts. ** Chapter 26 (p. 206) * In those villages, he wondered, how much ability and [[genius]] might be lying barren, ability and genius that the world could use but would never know because of the intolerance and hate which was held against the very people who were least qualified as the targets of it.<br>And the pity of it was that such hate and such intolerance would never have been born, could never have existed, had it not been for men like Finn—the bigots and the egomaniacs; the harsh, stern Puritans; the little men who felt the need of [[power]] to lift them from their smallness. ** Chapter 30 (p. 227) * They were the misfits of the world, the outcasts, for they deviated from the norm of humanity as established through all of history. Yet it was this very deviation which made them the hope of all mankind. Ordinary human beings—the kind of human beings who had brought the race this far—were not enough today. The ordinary humans had pushed the culture forward as far as they could push it. It had served its purpose; it had brought the ordinary human as far as he could go. Now the race evolved. Now new abilities had awoke and grown—exactly as the creatures of the Earth had evolved and specialized and then evolved again from that first moment when the first feeble spark of life had come into being in the seething chemical bath of a new and madcap planet.<br>Twisted brains, the normal people called them; magic people, dwellers of the darkness—and could anyone say no to this? For each people set its standards for each generation and these standards and these norms were not set by any universal rule, by no all-encompassing yardstick, but by what amounted to majority agreement, with the choice arrived at through all the prejudice and bias, all the faulty thinking and the unstable logic to which all [[intelligence]] is prone. ** Chapter 31 (pp. 233-234) * It was not his fight. Not personally his fight. No more his fight than any one of them. But he had made it his. Because of Stone, because of Rand and Harriet, because of priest who’d hounded him across half the continent, he had tried to make a fight of it. And perhaps, as well, because of something undefinable, unknown to himself, unsuspected in himself—some crazy idealism, some deep-rooted sense of [[justice]], some basic aversion to bullies and bigots and reformers. ** Chapter 32 (p. 245) * It was [[authority]] that turned men suspicious and stern-faced. Authority and responsibility which made them not themselves, but a sort of corporate body that tried to think as a corporate body rather than as a person. ** Chapter 32 (pp. 245-246) * They’d lived all their life on [[Earth]]; they knew nothing but the Earth. They had never really touched an alien concept, and that was all this concept was. It was not really as slimy as it seemed. It was only alien. There were a lot of alien things that could make one’s hair stand up on end while in their proper alien context they were fairly ordinary. ** Chapter 32 (p. 249) * “Anita,” he asked, “are there really werewolves?”<br>“Yes,” she told him. “Your werewolves are down there.”<br>And that was right, he thought. The darkness of the [[mind]], the bleakness of the [[thought]], the shallowness of [[purpose]]. These were the werewolves of the world. ** Chapter 34 (p. 263) === ''[[w:Way Station|Way Station]]'' (1963) === [[File:Milky Way from Flickr.jpg|thumb|right| There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew...]] [[File:CL0024+17.jpg|thumb|right|Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined.]] [[File:Apophysis El Dorado.jpg|thumb|right|His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.]] [[File:Schematicy-atom.svg|thumb|right|He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.]] [[File:6205 - Meiringen - Reichenbachfall viewed from Sandstrasse.JPG|thumb|right|This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.]] [[File:Nuclear_artillery_test_Grable_Event_-_Part_of_Operation_Upshot-Knothole.jpg|thumb|right|Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.]] [[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force. It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us.]] * '''It was a hopeless thing, he thought, this obsession of his to present the people of the Earth as good and reasonable. For in many ways they were neither good nor reasonable; perhaps because they had not as yet entirely grown up.''' They were smart and quick and at times compassionate and even understanding, but they failed lamentably in many other ways.<br>But if they had the chance, Enoch told himself, if they ever got a break, if they only could be told what was out in space, then they'd get a grip upon themselves and they would measure up and then, in the course of time, would be admitted into the great cofraternity of the people of the stars. ** Ch. 11 * '''There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew.'''<br> There were men on Earth who could make sense of it. Men who would give anything short of their very lives to know the little that he knew, and could put it all to use.<br>'''Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined. And never might imagine, if left on his own.''' ** Ch. 11 * The impulse patterns which carried creatures star to star were almost instantaneous, no matter what the distance.<br>He stood and thought about it and it still was hard, he admitted to himself, for a person to believe. ** Ch. 12 * '''His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.''' There was a name for that machine, but there was no word in the English language which closely approximated it. "[[w:Amulet|Talisman]]" was the closest, but Talisman was too crude a word. Although that had been the word that Ulysses had used when, some years ago, they had talked of it. ** Ch. 12 * The Talisman could be operated only by certain beings with certain types of minds and something else besides (could it be, he wondered, with certain kinds of souls?). "Sensitives" was the word he had used in his mental translation of the term for these kinds of people, but once again, he could not be sure if the word came close to fitting. The Talisman was placed in the custody of the most capable, or the most efficient, or the most devoted (whichever it might be) of the galactic sensitives, who carried it from star to star in a sort of eternal progression. And on each planet the people came to make personal and individual contact with the spiritual force through the intervention and the agency of the Talisman and its custodian.<br> He found that he was shivering at the thought of it — the pure ecstasy of reaching out and touching the spirituality that flooded through the galaxy and, undoubtedly, through the universe. The assurance would be there, he thought, the assurance that life had a special place in the great scheme of existence, that one, no matter how small, how feeble, how insignificant, still did count for something in the vast sweep of space and time. ** Ch. 12 * '''He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.''' And the fact of the matter was that he had just barely understood enough to make the concept work, but had not understood enough to be aware of its consequences. ** Ch. 13 * The Hazer would be arriving at about the same time as Ulysses and the three of them could spend a pleasant evening. It was not too often that two good friends ever visited here at once. <br> He stood a bit aghast at thinking of the Hazer as a friend, for more than likely the being itself was one he had never met. But that made little difference, for a Hazer, any Hazer, would turn out to be a friend. ** Ch. 14 * Could it be, he wondered, that the goldenness was the Hazers' life force and that they wore it like a cloak, as a sort of over-all disguise? Did they wear that life force on the outside of them while all other creatures wore it on the inside? ** Ch. 15 * '''He had acted on an impulse, with no thought at all. The girl had asked protection and here she had protection, here nothing in the world ever could get at her.''' But she was a human being and no human being, other than himself, should have ever crossed the threshold.<br> But it was done and there was no way to change it. Once across the threshold, there was no way to change it. ** Ch. 16 * She looked quickly up. And then her eyes once more went back to the flashing thing she was holding in her hands.<br> He saw that it was the pyramid of spheres and now all the spheres were spinning slowly, in alternating clockwise and counterclockwise motions, and that as they spun they shone and glittered, each in its own particular color, as if there might be, deep inside each one of them, a source of soft, warm light.<br>'''Enoch caught his breath at the beauty and the wonder of it — the old, hard wonder of what this thing might be and what it might be meant to do.''' He had examined it a hundred times or more and had puzzled at it and there had been nothing he could find that was of significance. So far as he could see, it was only something that was meant to be looked at, although there had been that persistent feeling that it had a purpose and that, perhaps, somehow, it was meant to operate.<br>'''And now it was in operation.''' He had tried a hundred times to get it figured out and Lucy had picked it up just once and had got it figured out.<br> He noticed the rapture with which she was regarding it. Was it possible, he wondered, that she knew its purpose? ** Ch. 18 * '''Hank Fisher would tell how he'd tried to break into the house and couldn't and there'd be others who would try to break into the house and there'd be hell to pay.'''<br> Enoch sweated, thinking of it.<br> '''All the years of keeping out of people's way, all the years of being unobtrusive would be for nothing then. This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.''' ** Ch. 18 * The alien stood in shadow and he looked, Enoch thought, more than ever like the cruel clown. His lithe, flowing body had the look of smoked, tanned buckskin. The patchwork color of his hide seemed to shine with a faint luminescence and the sharp, hard angles of his face, the smooth baldness of his head, the flat, pointed ears pasted tight against the skull lent him a vicious fearsomeness.<br> If one did not know him for the gentle character that he was, Enoch told himself, he would be enough to scare a man out of seven years of growth. ** Ch. 19 * The Talisman has been missing for several years or so. And no one knows about it — except Galactic Central and the — what would you call it? — the hierarchy, I suppose, the organization of mystics who takes care of the spiritual setup. And yet, even with no one knowing, the galaxy is beginning to show wear. It's coming apart at the seams. In time to come, it may fall apart. As if the Talisman represented a force that all unknowingly held the races of the galaxy together, exerting its influence even when it remained unseen. ** Ch. 21 * '''It's not the machine itself that does the trick. The machine merely acts as an intermediary between the sensitive and the spiritual force.''' It is an extension of the sensitive. It magnifies the capability of the sensitive and acts as a link of some sort. It enables the sensitive to perform his function. ** Ch. 21 * If there could only be more time, he thought. But, of course, there never was. There was not the time right now and there would never be. No matter how many centuries he might be able to devote, there'd always be so much more knowledge than he'd gathered at the moment that the little he had gathered would always seem a pittance. ** Ch. 23 * '''That had not been the first time nor had it been the last, but all the years of killing boiled down in essence to that single moment — not the time that came after, but that long and terrible instant when he had watched the lines of men purposefully striding up the slope to kill him.''' <br> It had been in that moment that he had realized the insanity of war, the futile gesture that in time became all but meaningless, the unreasoning rage that must be nursed long beyond the memory of the incident that had caused the rage, the sheer illogic that one man, by death or misery, might prove a right or uphold a principle.<br> '''Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.''' ** Ch. 25 * There was a comfort in the thought, a strange sort of personal comfort in being able to believe that some intelligence might have solved the riddle of that mysterious equation of the universe. And how, perhaps, that mysterious equation might tie in with the spiritual force that was idealistic brother to time and space and all those other elemental factors that held the universe together. ** Ch. 30 * '''Ulysses, he thought, had not told him all the truth about the Talisman. He had told him that it had disappeared and that the galaxy was without it, but he had not told him that for many years its power and glory had been dimmed by the failure of its custodian to provide linkage between the people and the force.''' And all that time the corrosion occasioned by that failure had eaten away at the bonds of the galactic cofraternity. ** Ch. 30 * '''How strange it is, he thought, how so many senseless things shape our destiny.''' For the rifle range had been a senseless thing, as senseless as a billiard table or a game of cards — designed for one thing only, to please the keeper of the station. And yet the hours he'd spent there had shaped toward this hour and end, to this single instant on this restricted slope of ground. ** Ch. 32 [[File:Paradiso Canto 31.jpg|thumb|right|Perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.]] * '''There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force.''' It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us. ** Ch. 33 * A machine, a mechanism, no more than a tool — technological brother to the hoe, the wrench, the hammer — and yet as far a cry from these as the human brain was from that first amino acid which had come into being on this planet when the Earth was very young. '''One was tempted, Enoch thought, to say that this was as far as a tool could go, that it was the ultimate in the ingenuity possessed by any brain. But that would be a dangerous way of thinking, for perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.''' For each new development produced, as side effects, so many other possibilities, so many other roads to travel, that with each step one took down any given road there were more paths to follow. There'd never be an end, he thought — no end to anything. ** Ch. 33 * She always had been in touch with something outside of human ken. She had something in her no other human had. You sensed it, but you could not name it, for there was no name for this thing she had. And she had fumbled with it, trying to use it, not knowing how to use it, charming off the warts and healing poor hurt butterflies and only God knew what other acts that she performed unseen. ** Ch. 34 * The [[river]] rolled below him and the river did not care. [[Nothing]] mattered to the river. It would take the tusk of mastodon, the skull of sabertooth, the rib cage of a man, the dead and sunken tree, the thrown rock or rifle and would swallow each of them and cover them in mud or sand and roll gurgling over them, hiding them from sight. <br /> '''A million [[years]] [[Past|ago]] there had been no river here and in a million years [[Future|to come]] there might be no river — but in a million years from now there would be, if not [[Human|Man]], at least a caring thing. And that was the [[secret]] of the [[universe]], Enoch told himself — a thing that went on caring.''' ** Ch. 35 === ''[[w:All Flesh is Grass (novel)|All Flesh is Grass]]'' (1965) === :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award for Best Novel]] in 1966. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the mass market edition published by Avon Books, September 1978, ISBN 0-380-39933-4 </small> * What strange circumstances, or what odd combination of many circumstances, must occur, I wondered, to make it possible for a man to step from one world to another. ** Chapter 11 (p. 105) * For even if the life of my own Earth and this other Earth on which I stood had started out identically (and they might well have started out identically) there still would be, along the way, millions of little deviations, no one of which, perhaps, by itself, would be significant, but the cumulative effects of all these deviations eventually would result in a life and culture that would bear no resemblance to any other Earth. ** Chapter 12 (p. 123) * Even if the barrier now should disappear and the Flowers withdraw their attention from our Earth, we still would have been shaken from the comfortable little rut which assumed that life as we know it was the only kind of life and that our road of knowledge was the only one that was broad and straight and paved.<br>There had been ogres in the past, by finally the ogres had been banished. The trolls and ghouls and imps and all the others of the tribe had been pushed out of our lives, for they could survive only on the misty shores of ignorance and in the land of superstition. Now, I thought, we’d know an ignorance again (but a different kind of ignorance) and superstition, too, for superstition fed upon the lack of knowledge. With this hint of another world—even if its denizens should decide not to flaunt themselves, even if we should find a way to stop them—the trolls and ghouls and goblins would be back with us again. There’d be chimney corner gossip of this other place and a frantic, desperate search to rationalize the implied horror of its vast and unknown reaches, and out of this very search would rise a horror greater than any the other world could hold. We’d be afraid, as we had been before, of the darkness that lay beyond the little circle of our campfire. ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * “They’re just ordinary people,” Nancy said. “You can’t expect too much of them.” ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * They would fail. We would always fail. We weren’t built to do anything but fail. We had the wrong kind of motives and we couldn’t change them. We had a built-in short-sightedness and an inherent selfishness and a self-concern that made it impossible to step out of the little human rut we traveled. ** Chapter 18 (p. 195) * We feel much sorrow for you, the elm tree had said. But what kind of sorrow—a real and sincere sorrow, or the superficial and pedantic sorrow of the immortal for a frail and flickering creature that was about to die? ** Chapter 24 (p. 247) === ''Why Call Them Back From Heaven?'' (1967) === * "One thing more, son. Do you believe in [[God]]?" <br>Slowly Frost put the spoon back into the bowl. <br>He asked: "You really want an answer?" <br>"I want an answer," said the man. "I want an honest one." <br>'''"The answer," said Frost, "is that I don't know. Not, certainly, in the kind of God that you are thinking of. Not the old white-whiskered, woodcut gentleman. But a supreme being — yes, I would believe in a God of that sort.''' Because it seems to me there must be some sort of force or power or will throughout the [[universe]]. The universe is too orderly for it to be otherwise. When you measure all this orderliness, from the mechanism of the atom at one end of the scale, out to the precision of the operation of the universe at the other end, it seems unbelievable that there is not a supervisory force of some kind, a benevolent ruling force to maintain that sort of order." === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|A Choice of Gods]]'' (1972) === [[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out of the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect.]] [[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid...]] :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award for Best Novel]] in 1973. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, September 1973, {{ISBN|0425024121}}, 5th printing </small> * The robots are not technologically minded. They were not built to be. They were built to bolster human vanity and pride, to meet a strange longing that seems to be built into the human ego—the need to have other humans (or a reasonable facsimile of other humans) to minister to our wants and needs, human slaves to be dominated, human beings over which a man or woman (or a child) can assert authority, thus building up a false feeling of superiority. ** Chapter 1 (pp. 6-7) * He sat in the chair, unmoving, looking at the room and wondering again at the quiet satisfaction that he always found within it, and at times more than satisfaction, as if the room, with its book-lined loftiness and vastness, carried a special benediction. The thoughts of many men, he told himself, resided in the space—all the great thinkers of the world held secure between the bindings of the volumes on the shelves, selected and placed there long ago by his grandfather so that in the days to come the essence of the human race, the heritage of recorded thought, would always be at hand. ** Chapter 3 (pp. 16-17) * —Look, said Jason, it is an old idea. There was never any proof. There was only faith. I have a soul, one would tell himself. He believed it because he had been told by others. Told authoritatively. Without any question. He was told so often and he told himself so often that there was no question in his mind that he had a soul. But there was never any evidence. There was never any proof. ** Chapter 5 (p. 42) * It seems to be a social axiom that as misery and privation increase for the many, the few rise ever higher in luxury and comfort, feeding on the misery. Not aware, perhaps, that they feed upon the misery, not with any wish of feeding on it—but they do. ** Chapter 6 (p. 46) * Could it be possible, Hezekiah asked himself, that there was no room for both the faith and truth, that they were mutually exclusive qualities that could not coexist? He shuddered as he thought of it, for if this should be the case, they had spent their centuries of devotion to but little purpose, pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp. Must faith be exactly that, the willingness and ability to believe in the face of a lack of evidence? If one could find the evidence, would then the faith be dead? If that were the situation, then which one did they want? Had it been, he wondered, that men had tried what they even now were trying and had realized that there was no such thing as truth, but only faith, and being unable to accept the faith without its evidence, had dropped the faith as well? ** Chapter 7 (p. 52) * He doubted very much that at any time man could have been said to have truly owned the earth. Rather, they had taken it, wresting it from the other creatures that had as much right of ownership as they, but without the intelligence or the ingenuity or power to assert their rights. Man had been pushy, arrogant interloper rather than the owner. He had taken over by the force of mind, which could be as detestable as the force of muscle, making his own rules, setting his own goals, establishing his own values in utter disregard of all other living things. ** Chapter 13 (p. 84) * And how much did he and the others lost when they had turned their backs on magic? Belief, of course, and there might be some value in belief, although there was, as well, delusion and did a man want to pay for the value of belief in the coinage of delusion? ** Chapter 15 (pp. 96-97) * ''The situation outlined is immaterial to us. We could help humanity, but there is no reason that we should. Humanity is a transient factor and is none of our concern.'' ** Chapter 22 (p. 130) * I have become a student of the sky and know all the clouds there are and have firmly fixed in mind the various hues of blue that the sky can show—the washed-out, almost invisible blue of a hot, summer noon; the soft robin’s egg, sometimes almost greenish blue of a late springtime evening, the darker, almost violet blue of fall. I have become a connoisseur of the coloring that the leaves take on in autumn and I know all the voices and the moods of the woods and river valley. I have, in a measure, entered into communion with nature, and in this wise have followed in the footsteps of Red Cloud and his people, although I am sure that their understanding and their emotions are more fine-tuned than mine are. I have seen, however, the roll of seasons, the birth and death of leaves, the glitter of the stars on more nights than I can number and from all this as from nothing else I have gained a sense of a purpose and an orderliness which it does not seem to me can have stemmed from accident alone.<br>It seems to me, thinking of it, that there must be some universal plan which set in motion the orbiting of the electrons about the nucleus and the slower, more majestic orbit of the galaxies about one another to the very edge of space. There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out from the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect. But if we are looking for something on which to pin our faith—and, indeed, our hope—the plan might well be it. I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid... ** Chapter 24 (pp. 136-137) * Now it seemed that this had been a self-sustained illusion he had nourished carefully to bolster a sense of his own importance. ** Chapter 25 (p. 140) * These kind never change. The machine does something to a man. It brutalizes him. It serves as a buffer between himself and his environment and he is the worst for it. It arouses an opportunistic instinct and makes possible a greed that makes a man inhuman. ** Chapter 28 (p. 152) * For the old do not really mind; in a strange way they become sufficient to themselves. They need so very little and they care so very little. They climb the mountain no one else can see and as they climb the old, once-valued things they’ve carried all their lives tend to drop away and as they climb the higher the knapsack that they carry becomes emptier, but perhaps no less in weight than it had ever been, and the few things that are left in it, they find, with some amusement, or those few indispensable belongings which they’ve gathered in a long lifetime of effort and of seeking. They wonder greatly, if they think of it at all, how it was left to age to winnow out the chaff they’ve carried all the years, thinking that it was valuable when it was only chaff. When they reach the mountain top, they find that they can see farther than they’ve ever seen before and with greater clarity and, if by this time they’re not past all caring, may bemoan that they must approach the end of their lives before they can see with this marvelous clarity, which does little for them now, but might, in earlier years, have been of incalculable value. ** Chapter 30 (pp. 157-158) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|Cemetery World]]'' (1973) === [[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|right|I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same... there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.]] [[File:Whirpool Galaxy.jpg|thumb|right|If we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...]] :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, July 1974, {{ISBN|0425026264}} </small> * The sun was setting, throwing a fog-like dusk across the stream and trees, and there was a coolness in the air. It was time, I knew, to be getting back to camp. But I did not want to move. For I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same; no matter how many times I might return to this particular spot the place and feeling would never be the same, something would be lost or something would be added, and there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment. ** Chapter 5 (p. 39) * “I find it a most intriguing and amusing thing that it might be possible to package the experiences, not only of one's self, but of other people. Think of the hoard we might then lay up against our later, lonely years when all old friends are gone and the opportunity for new experiences have withered. All we need to do then is to reach up to a shelf and take down a package that we have bottled or preserved or whatever the phrase might be, say from a hundred years ago, and uncorking it, enjoy the same experience again, as sharp and fresh as the first time it had happened”... “I have tried to imagine,” said our host, “the various ingredients one might wish to compound in such a package. Beside the bare experience itself, the context of it, one might say, he should want to capture and hold all the subsidiary factors which might serve as a background for it — the sound, the feel of wind and sun, the cloud floating in the sky, the color and the scent. For such a packaging, to give the desired results, must be as perfect as one can make it. It must have all those elements which would be valuable in invoking the total recall of some event that had taken place many years before.” ** Chapter 18 (p. 147; ellipsis represents the elision of one short paragraph of description) * “As an auxiliary to all of this,” he said, “I have found myself speculating upon a world in which no one ever grew up. I admit, of course, that it is a rather acrobatic feat of thinking, not entirely consistent, to leap from the one idea to the other. In a world where one was able to package his experiences, he merely would be able to relive at some future time the experiences of the past. But in a world of the eternally young he'd have no need of such packaging. Each new day would bring the same freshness and the everlasting wonder inherent in the world of children. There would be no realization of death and no fear born of the knowledge of the future. Life would be eternal and there'd be no thought of change. One would exist in an everlasting matrix and while there would be little variation from one day to the next, one would not be aware of this and there'd be no boredom...” ** Chapter 18 (p. 148) === ''Shakespeare's Planet'' (1976)=== [[File:Glory 2004.04.650.jpg|thumb|right|[[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists...]] * [[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists... === ''A Heritage of Stars'' (1977) === [[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|right|If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.]] * '''Space is an illusion, and time as well. There is no such factor as either time or space. We have been blinded by our own cleverness, blinded by false perceptions of those qualities that we term eternity and infinity.''' There is another factor that explains it all, and once this universal factor is recognized, everything grows simple. There is no longer any mystery, no longer any wonder, no longer any doubt; for the simplicity of it all lies before us... * We came into a homeless frontier, a place where we were not welcome, where nothing that lived was welcome, where thought and logic were abhorrent and we were frightened, but we went into this place because the universe lay before us, and '''if we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...''' * '''If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.''' === ''Highway of Eternity'' (1986) === [[File:Soap bubble sky.jpg|thumb|right|They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is...]] [[File:Canis lupus standing in snow.jpg|thumb|right|The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.]] [[File:Cantel 24cell1.png|thumb|right|Time means nothing to it … nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them.]] [[File:Hoag's object.jpg|thumb|right|"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> Not so small as you might think.]] * '''A wrongness persisted, a sense of aberration, some factor not quite right, the feeling of a corner. But Boone could not pin it down; there seemed no way to reach it.''' * "We're very close to immortal, you know. The time mechanism keeps it that way." <br>"No, I hadn't known," said Boone. <br>"Inside the time bubble we do not age. We age only when we are outside of it." * "They changed," said Enid, "from corporeal beings, from biological beings, to incorporeal beings, immaterial, pure intelligences. They now are ranged in huge communities on crystal lattices..." * '''What your friend told you of his seeing of the time wall is true, Henry said in Boone's mind. I know he saw it, although imperfectly.''' Your friend is most unusual. So far as I know, no other human actually can see it; although there are ways of detecting time. I tried to show him a sniffler. There are a number of snifflers, trying to sniff out the bubble. '''They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is.''' * "We have time travel," she said, "and none of us, I am sure, really understands it. We stole it from the Infinites. To steal time travel was the one way we could fight back, the one way we could flee. The human race had far space travel before the Infinites showed up. I think it was our far travel that aroused the interest of the Infinites in us. I've often wondered if some of the very primitive principles of time might not have made our many-times-faster-than-light travel possible. Time is somehow tied into space, but I have never known quite how." * '''He stirred again, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and he was not alone.''' Across the fire from him sat, or seemed to sit, a man wrapped in some all-enveloping covering that might have been a cloak, wearing on his head a conical hat that dropped down so far it hid his face. Beside him sat the wolf — the wolf, for Boone was certain that it was the same wolf with which he'd found himself sitting nose to nose when he had wakened the night before. '''The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.''' <br>He stared at the hat. Who are you? What is this about? <br>He spoke in his mind, talking to himself, not really to the hat. He had not spoken aloud for fear of startling the wolf. <br>'''The Hat replied. It is about the brotherhood of life. Who I am is of no consequence. I am only here to act as an interpreter.''' <br>An interpreter for whom? <br>For the wolf and you. <br>But the wolf does not talk. <br>No, he does not talk. But he thinks. He is greatly pleased and puzzled. <br>Puzzled I can understand. But pleased? <br>He feels a sameness with you. He senses something in you that reminds him of himself. He puzzles what you are. <br>In time to come, said Boone, he will be one with us. He will become a dog. <br>'''If he knew that, said The Hat, it would not impress him. He thinks now to be one with you. An equal. A dog is not your equal...''' * '''Perversity, she thought. Could that have been what happened to the human race — a willing perversity that set at naught all human values which had been so hardly won and structured in the light of reason for a span of more than a million years? Could the human race, quite out of hand and with no sufficient reason, have turned its back upon everything that had built humanity?''' Or was it, perhaps, no more than second childhood, a shifting of the burden off one's shoulders and going back to the selfishness of the child who romped and frolicked without thought of consequence or liability? * '''"It is a net," said Horseface, "useful for the fishing of the universe."''' <br>Enid crinkled up her face, staring at what he called a net. It was a flimsy thing and it had no shape. <br>"Certainly," she said, "you would not go fishing the universe in so slight a thing as this."<br>''' "Time means nothing to it," said Horseface, "nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them."''' * Boone gulped and swallowed. He spoke to The Hat. <br>"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> '''That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].'''<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> '''Not so small as you might think.''' * "This is the core of the galaxy," Horseface said. "This is the very center of everything there is. A huge black hole eating up the galaxy. The end of everything." * '''"Much of what we see in the universe," said Hugo, "starts out as imaginary. Often you must imagine something before you can come to terms with it."''' * An untold time ago, there was a well-founded perception that the human race would end and that something else must take its place.<br>Why must something else take its place? <br> I cannot tell you that. There is no solid rationale for it, but the belief seemed to be that there must be a dominant race upon this planet. Before men were the dinosaurs and before the dinosaurs there were the trilobites... * '''Without consciousness and intelligence, the universe would lack meaning.''' == Quotes about Simak == * I never heard a bad word about him but only universal approval and approbation... [I have tried to] imitate his easy and uncluttered style. I think I have succeeded to an extent and that it has immeasurably improved my writing. He is the third of three people, then, who formed my writing career. [[John W. Campbell|John Campbel]]l and [[w:Frederik Pohl|Fred Pohl]] did it by precept, and Cliff Simak by example. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] in ''I, Asimov'' (1994) * Without Simak, science fiction would have been without its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the ordinary person and the value of life lived close to the land. ** [[w:James Gunn (author)|James Gunn]], as quoted in promotional quote on a 2016 edition of ''City'' * Since the earliest thirties, to read science fiction is to read Simak. A reader who does not like Simak stories does not like science fiction at all. **[[Robert A. Heinlein]], in a letter of appreciation, as quoted in ''Robert A. Heinlein : In Dialogue with His Century'', Volume 2: ''The Man Who Learned Better | 1948-1988'' (2014), p. 389 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.nndb.com/people/208/000044076/ Simak at NNDB] * [http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/clifford-d-simak/ Simak at Fantastic Fiction] * [http://templetongate.tripod.com/simak.htm Simak at Templeton Gate] * [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?Clifford_D._Simak Simak at ISFDB] * [http://www.tc.umn.edu/~brams006/simak/index.html Clifford Simak Fan Site] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20070823020035/http://www.geocities.com/fantasticreviews/choice_of_gods.htm Review of ''A Choice of Gods''] {{DEFAULTSORT: Simak, Clifford D.}} [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1988 deaths]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] t21n1o30gwiosqmijnv3k1zhndlbixy 3155604 3155603 2022-08-17T16:47:19Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* Cemetery World (1973) */ added quotes wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Clifford Simak WS 3112.jpg|thumb|right|Simak as pictured in ''Wonder Stories'' in 1931.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|Without [[consciousness]] and [[intelligence]], the [[universe]] would lack [[meaning]].]] '''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Clifford Donald Simak]]''' ([[3 August]] [[1904]] – [[25 April]] [[1988]]) was an American science fiction writer, and a winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards. [[File:Spacecolony3edit.jpeg|thumb|right|It would seem to me that by the [[time]] a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no [[economic]] [[necessity]] of its doing so.]] == Quotes == [[File:LightRefractsOf comb-rows of ctenophore Mertensia ovum.jpg|thumb|right|When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the [[universe]].]] [[File:Crystal DNA.jpg|thumb|right|We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...]] * '''When I talk of the purpose of [[life]], I am thinking not only of human life, but of all life on [[Earth]] and of the life which must exist upon other planets throughout the universe. It is only of life on Earth, however, that one can speak with any certainty. It seems to me that all life on Earth, the sum total of life upon the Earth, has purpose.''' If the means were available, we could trace our ancestry — yours and mine — back to the first blob of life-like material that came into being on the planet. The same thing could be done for the spider that spun his web in the grass, and of the grass in which the web was spun, the bird sitting in the tree and the tree in which he sits, the toad waiting for the fly beneath the bush, and for the fly and bush. '''We are all genetic brothers. The chain of life, tracing back to that primordial day of life's beginning, is unbroken...''' ** Interview in ''Speaking of Science Fiction: The Paul Walker Interviews'' (1978) * '''I have tried at times to place humans in perspective against the vastness of universal time and space.''' I have been concerned with where we, as a race, may be going and what may be our purpose in the universal scheme — if we have a purpose. In general, I believe we do, and perhaps an important one. ** As quoted in the Associated Press obituary (27 April 1988) === Short Fiction === ==== Skirmish (1977) ==== :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Berkley </small> * My reluctance to use alien invasion is due to the feeling that we are not likely to be invaded and taken over. It would seem to me that by the time a race has achieved deep space capability it would have matured to a point where it would have no thought of dominating another intelligent species. Further than this, there should be no economic [[necessity]] of its doing so. By the time it was able to go into deep space, it must have arrived at an energy source which would not be based on planetary natural resources. ** Introduction (p. ix) * “McKay tells me that you went home sick,” she said. “Personally, I hope you don’t survive.” ** “Skirmish” (p. 44); originally published in [[w:Amazing Stories|Amazing Stories]], December 1950 * There have been moments when I also wasn’t able to attach as much importance to football as it seemed to me I should. ** “The Sitters” (p. 73); originally published in [[w:Galaxy Science Fiction|Galaxy Science Fiction]], April 1958 * Beyond his own sure knowledge, he had not a shred of proof. ** “The Sitters” (p. 90) * He sat and watched them come and he thought of going in to get a rifle, but he didn’t stir from his seat upon the steps. The rifle would do no good, he told himself. It would be a senseless thing to get it; more than that, a senseless attitude. The least that man could do, he thought, was to meet these creatures of another world with clean and empty hands. ** “[[w:The Big Front Yard|The Big Front Yard]]” (pp. 142-143); originally published in [[w:Analog Science Fiction and Fact|Astounding Science Fiction]], October 1958 [[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|right|He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.]] * '''Once again the universe was spread far out before him and it was a different and in some ways a better universe, a more diagrammatic universe, and in time, he knew, if there were such a thing as time, he'd gain some completer understanding and acceptance of it. <br>He probed and sensed and learned and there was no such thing as time, but a great foreverness.''' <br>He thought with pity of those others locked inside the ship, safe behind its insulating walls, never knowing all the glories of the innards of a star or the vast panoramic sweep of vision and of knowing far above the flat galactic plane. <br>Yet he really did not know what he saw or probed; he merely sensed and felt it and became a part of it, and it became a part of him — he seemed unable to reduce it to a formal outline of fact or of dimension or of content. It still remained a knowledge and a power so overwhelming that it was nebulous. There was no fear and no wonder, for in this place, it seemed, there was neither fear nor wonder. And he finally knew that it was a place apart, a world in which the normal space-time knowledge and emotion had no place at all and a normal space-time being could have no tools or measuring stick by which he might reduce it to a frame of reference. <br>There was no time, no space, no fear, no wonder — and no actual knowledge, either. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (p. 165); originally published in [[w:The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction|The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction]], March 1960 * '''Perhaps all that had happened had been no more than the working out of human destiny. If the human race could not attain directly the paranormal power he held, this instinct of the mind, then they would gain it indirectly through the agency of one of their creations.''' Perhaps this, after all, unknown to Man himself, had been the prime purpose of the robots. <br>He turned and walked slowly down the length of village street, his back turned to the ship and the roaring of the captain, walked contentedly into this new world he'd found, into this world that he would make — not for himself, nor for robotic glory, but for a better Mankind and a happier. <br>Less than an hour before he'd congratulated himself on escaping all the traps of Earth, all the snares of Man. Not knowing that the greatest trap of all, the final and the fatal trap, lay on this present planet. <br>But that was wrong, he told himself. The trap had not been on this world at all, nor any other world. It had been inside himself. <br> He walked serenely down the wagon-rutted track in the soft, golden afternoon of a matchless autumn day, with the dog trotting at his heels. <br> Somewhere, just down the street, the sick baby lay crying in its crib. ** “All the Traps of Earth” (pp. 190-191); closing words. * Accident, he wondered, or a way of hiding? Trapped or planned? He had no way of knowing and further speculation was ridiculous, based as it necessarily must be upon earlier assumptions that were entirely without support. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (pp. 211-212); originally published in [[w:If (magazine)|Worlds of If]], March 1970 * First there was space—endless, limitless space, so far from everything, so brutal, so frigid, so uncaring that it numbed the mind, not so much from fear or loneliness as from the realization that in this eternity of space the thing that was himself was dwarfed to an insignificance no yardstick could measure. ** “The Thing in the Stone” (p. 220) * The old and the young, he thought. The old, who do not care; the young, who do not think. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 250); originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, October 1971 * In the east the [[moon]] was rising, a full moon that lighted the landscape so that he could see every little clump of bushes, every grove of trees. And as he stood there, he realized with a sudden start that the moon was full again, that it was always full, it rose with the setting of the sun and set just before the sun came up, and it was always a great pumpkin of a moon, an eternal harvest moon shining on an eternal autumn world. <br> The realization that this was so all at once seemed shocking. How was it that he had never noticed this before? Certainly he had been here long enough, had watched the moon often enough to have noticed it. He had been here long enough — and how long had that been, a few weeks, a few months, a year? He found he did not know. He tried to figure back and there was no way to figure back. There were no temporal landmarks. Nothing ever happened to mark one day from the next. [[Time]] flowed so smoothly and so uneventfully that it might as well stand still. ** “The Autumn Land” (p. 251) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak|Time and Again]]'' (1951) === :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (catalogue number 81000) </small> * '''There is [[mystery]] here, but a soft, sure mystery that is understood and only remains a mystery because I want it so.''' The mystery of the nighthawk against a darkening [[sky]], the puzzle of the [[firefly]] along the lilac hedge. ** Chapter I (p. 6) * They are worse than the disinherited. They are not the has-beens, they are the never-weres. ** Chapter II (p. 14) * “You do not belong to any bona fide [[religion]] that prohibits killing?”<br>“I presume I could classify myself as a [[Christian]],” said Sutton. “I [[believe]] there is a Commandment about killing.”<br> The robot shook his head. “It doesn’t count.”<br>“It is clear and specific,” Sutton argued. “It says, ‘Thou shalt not kill.’”<br>“It is all of that,” the robot told him. “But it has been discredited. You humans discredited it yourselves. You never obeyed it. '''You either obey a [[law]] or you forfeit it. You can’t forget it with one breath and invoke it with the next.'''” ** Chapter V (pp. 27-28) * '''The chain of [[life]] runs smoothly from one generation to the next and none of the links stand out except here and there a link one sees by accident.''' ** Chapter XII (p. 72) * As he looked, Sutton felt the cold hand of loneliness reach down with icy fingers to take him in its grip. For here was sheer, mad loneliness such as he had never dreamed. '''Here was the very negation of life and motion, here was the stark, bald beginning when there was no life, nor even [[thought]] of life.''' Here anything that knew or thought or moved was an alien thing, a disease, a cancer on the face of [[nothingness]]. ** Chapter XIX (p. 99) * I have not long to live. I have lasted more than a man’s average allotted span, and while I still am hale and hearty, I know full well the [[hand]] of [[time]], while it may miss a man at one reaping, will get him at the next. ** Chapter XXI (p. 107) * I’m just a propagandist and a propagandist doesn’t have to know what he is talking about, just so he talks about it most convincingly. ** Chapter XXIV (p. 124) * “It’s a wonder to me,” said Adams sourly, “that you don’t simply melt down in the white heat of your brilliance.” ** Chapter XXV (p. 134) * It would be three-dimensional chess with a million billion squares and a million pieces, and with the [[rules]] changing ever move. ** Chapter XXV (p. 135) * And [[death]] was a soft thing, soft and black, cool and sweet and gracious. He slipped into it as a swimmer slips into the surf and it closed over him and held him and he felt the pulse and beat of it and knew the vastness and sureness of it. ** Chapter XXVI (p. 139) * Sutton sensed [[resurrection]] and he fought against it, for death was so comfortable. Like a soft, warm bed. And resurrection was a strident, insistent, maddening alarm clock that shrilled across the predawn chill of a dreadful, frowzy room. Dreadful with its life and its bare [[reality]] and its sharp, sickening reminder that one must get up and walk into reality again. ** Chapter XXVIII (p. 143) * [[Dreams]], she said. Broken dreams are bad enough. But the dream that has no [[hope]]...the dream that is doomed long before it’s broken, that’s the worst of all. ** Chapter XXXV (p. 183) * And here and there a [[human]] who saw the [[Righteousness|rightness]] of the proposition that [[Man]] could not, by mere [[self]]-assertion, be a special being; [[understanding]] that it was to his greater [[glory]] to take his place among the other things of life, as a simple thing of life, as a form of life that could lead and teach and be a [[friend]] rather than a thing that conquered and ruled and stood as one apart. ** Chapter XXXIX (p. 195) * '''Before Man goes to the [[stars]] he should learn how to live on [[Earth]].''' ** Chapter XLI (p. 204) * “[[Propaganda]],” Trevor said. “Let’s call it [[psychology]]. You say a thing so often and so well that after a time everyone believes it. Even, finally, yourself.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 215) * “It wouldn’t be the [[truth]],” said Sutton.<br>“That,” said Trevor, “doesn’t have a thing to do with it.” ** Chapter XLII (p. 220) * [[Memory]] and dust, he thought, link us to the [[past]]. ** Chapter XLIII (p. 224) === ''[[w:City (Clifford D. Simak novel)|City]]'' (1952) === [[File:Halo - Falköping - Sweden 2003.jpg|thumb|right|These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north.]] [[File:Bbrot225x225x24.PNG|thumb|right|You travel back along the line of time and you don't find the past, but another [[world]], another bracket of consciousness.]] :<small> This is a fixup novel; the eight chapters correspond to eight previously published stories. Many editions of the novel have been published. </small> :<small> Won the [[w:International Fantasy Award|1953 International Fantasy Award]]. </small> :<small> All page numbers from the mass market edition published by Ace Books (#10621) </small> * These are the stories the [[Dogs]] tell, when the fires burn high and the wind is from the north. ** Editor’s Preface (p. 5) * Most authorities in [[economics]] and [[sociology]] regard such an organization as a city an impossible structure, not only from the economic standpoint, but from the sociological and psychological as well. No creature of the highly nervous structure necessary to develop a culture, they point out, would be able to survive within such restricted limits. The result, if it were tried, these authorities say, would lead to mass neuroticism which in a short period of time would destroy the very culture which had built the city. ** Notes on the First Tale (pp. 9-10) * These people must be helped to find themselves in this new world, but they must not know that they’re being helped. To let them know would destroy confidence and dignity, and human dignity is the keystone of any civilization. ** Chapter 1, “City” (p. 31) * “You sound like a rugged individualist,” said Webster.<br>“You say that like you think it’s funny,” yapped the mayor.<br>“I do think it’s funny,” said Webster. “Funny, and tragic, that anyone should think that way today.”<br>“The world would be a lot better off with some rugged individualism,” snapped the mayor. “Look at the men who have gone places—”<br>“Meaning yourself?” asked Weber.<br>“You might take me, for example,” Carter agreed. “I worked hard. I took advantage of opportunity. I had some foresight. I did—”<br>“You mean you licked the correct boots and stepped in the proper faces,” said Webster. “You’re the shining example of the kind of people the world doesn’t want today. You positively smell musty, your ideas are so old. You’re the last of the politicians, Carter, just as I was the last of the Chamber of Commerce secretaries. Only you don’t know it yet. I did. I got out. Even when it cost me something, I got out, because I had to save my self-respect. Your kind of politics is dead. They are dead because any tinhorn with a loud mouth and a brassy front could gain power by appeal to mob psychology. And you haven’t got mob psychology any more. You can’t have mob psychology when people don’t give a damn what happens to a thing that’s dead already—a political system that broke down under its own weight.” ** Chapter 1, “City” (pp. 34-35) * To cover up actual lack of knowledge, the tale develops an explanation which amounts to divine intervention. It is an easy and, to the primitive mind, a plausible and satisfactory way to explain something of which nothing at all is known. ** Notes on the Third Tale (p. 69) * Bit by bit, as the legend unfolds, the reader gets a more accurate picture of the human race. By degrees, one gains the conviction that here is a race which can be little more than pure fantasy. It is not the kind of race which could rise from humble beginnings to the eminence of culture with which it is gifted in these tales. Its equipment is too poor.<br>So far it lack of stability has become apparent. Its preoccupation with a mechanical civilization rather than with a culture based on some of the sounder, more worthwhile concepts of life indicates a lack of basic character.<br>And now, in this tale, we learn of the limited communications which it possessed, a situation which certainly is not conducive to advancement. Man’s inability to understand and appreciate the thought and the viewpoint of another man would be a stumbling block which no amount of mechanical ability could overcome. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 119) * Man was engaged in a mad scramble for power and knowledge, but nowhere is there any hint of what he meant to do with it once he had attained it. ** Notes on the Fifth Tale (p. 120) * Individualists would have little use for a device which would make them understand one another, for they would not care whether they understood one another. ** Chapter 5, “Paradise” (p. 139) * One [[world]] and then another, running like a chain. One world treading on the heels of another world that plodded just ahead. One world’s tomorrow, another world’s today. And yesterday is tomorrow, and tomorrow is the past.<br>Except, there wasn’t any past. No past, that was, except the figment of remembrance that flitted like a night-winged thing in the shadow of one’s mind. No past that one could reach. No pictures painted on the wall of time. No film that one could run backwards and see what-once-had-been...<br>One road was open, but another road was closed. Not closed, of course, for it had never been. For there wasn’t any past, there never had been any, there wasn’t room for one. Where there should have been a past there was another world. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 195-196) * “There isn’t any room,” said Joshua. “You travel back along the line of time and you don’t find the past, but another world, another bracket of consciousness. The earth would be the same, you see, or almost the same. Same trees, same rivers, same hills, but it wouldn’t be the world we know. Because it has lived a different life, it has developed differently. The second back of us is not the second back of us at all, but another second, a totally separate sector of time. We live in the same second all the time. We move along within the bracket of that second, that tiny bit of time that has been allotted to our particular world.” ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (pp. 206-207) * We thought all the [[time]] that we were passing through time when we really weren’t, when we never have. We’ve just been moving along with time. We said, there’s another second gone, there’s another minute and another hour and another day, when, as a matter of fact the second or the minute or the hour was never gone. It was the same one all the time. It had just moved along and we had moved with it. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 207) * The past, he said. The past is too much with me. And the past has made me useless. I have too much to remember—so much to remember that it becomes more important than the things there are to do. I’m living in the past and that is no way to live. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 201) * What is a bow and arrow?<br>It is the beginning of the end. It is the winding path that grows to the roaring road of war.<br>It is a plaything and a weapon and a triumph in human engineering.<br>It is the first faint stirring of an atom bomb.<br>It is a symbol of a way of life. ** Chapter 7, “Aesop” (p. 210) ===''[[w:Ring Around the Sun|Ring Around the Sun]]'' (1954) === [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|right|[[Time]] was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a [[universe]] so vastly beyond [[human]] comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.]] [[File:Einstein ring SDSS J120540.43 491029.3.jpg|thumb|right|If you held a certain [[time]] [[sense]] you could break from one bracket to another, and when you did you would not find [[yesterday]] or [[tomorrow]], but another [[world]].]] * '''There was no [[time]], Hezekiah had said. No such thing as time in the terms of normal human [[thought]]. Time was bracketed and each of its brackets contained a single phase of a universe so vastly beyond human comprehension that it brought a man up short against the impossibility of envisioning it.'''<br>And time itself? Time was a never-ending medium that stretched into the future and the past — except there was no future and no past, but an infinite number of brackets, extending either way, each bracket enclosing its single phase of the Universe. <br>Back on Man's original [[Earth]], there had been speculation on travelling in time, of going back into yesterday or forward into tomorrow. And now he knew that you could not do it, that the same instant of time remained forever within each bracket, that Man's Earth had ridden the same bubble of the single instant from the time of its genesis and that it would die and come to nothing within that self-same instant. <br>You could travel in time, of course, but there would be no yesterday and no tomorrow. But if you held a certain time sense you could break from one bracket to another, and '''when you did you would not find yesterday or tomorrow, but another world.''' * '''There was a [[world]] of [[mutants]], [[men]] and [[women]] who were [[Paranormal|more than normal]] men and women, persons who had certain [[human]] [[talents]] and certain human [[understandings]] which the [[normal]] men and women of the world had never [[known]], or having known, could not utilize in their [[entirety]], unable to use [[intelligently]] all the [[mighty]] [[powers]] which lay dormant in their [[brains]].''' * '''The people finally know.<br> They've been told about the mutants.'''<br> And they hated the mutants.<br> Of course, they hated them.<br> '''They hated them because the existence of the mutants makes them second-class humans, because they are Neanderthalers suddenly invaded by a bow and arrow people.''' === ''[[w:Time is the Simplest Thing|Time is the Simplest Thing]]'' (1961) === :<small> All page numbers are from the hardcover first edition published by Doubleday </small> [[File:Sfxx0850.jpg|thumb|right|It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew...]] [[File:Vittore Carpaccio 075.jpg|thumb|right|Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth?]] * Whatever [[doubt]] might rise, he knew that he was right. But the rightness was an intellectual rightness and the doubt emotional. ** Chapter 3 (p. 14) * The party was beginning to get noisy—not boisterous, but noisy. It was beginning to acquire that stale air of futility to which, in the end, all parties must fall victim. ** Chapter 5 (p. 26) * You sometimes get a thrill at knowing where you are. You’re often filled with wonder, but more often you are puzzled. You are reminded, again and yet again, of how insignificant you are. And there are times when you forget that you are human. You’re just a blob of life—brother to everything that ever existed or ever will exist. ** Chapter 9 (p. 69) * What do you mean by [[faith]]? Is faith enough for Man? Should he be satisfied with faith alone? Is there no way of finding out the truth? Is the attitude of faith, of believing in something for which there can be no more than philosophic [[proof]], the true mark of a Christian? ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * They sat for a moment, regarding one another; neither understanding. As if we were two [[Alien life|aliens]], thought Blaine. With viewpoints that did not come within a million miles of coinciding, and yet they both were men. ** Chapter 9 (p. 70) * He knew that there was [[death]]—that there must be death if there were [[evolution]], that death was one of the mechanisms that biologically spelled progress and advancement for evolutionary species. ** Chapter 10 (p. 75) * This was the [[past]] and it was the dead past; there were only corpses in it—and perhaps not even corpses, but the shadows of those corpses. For the dead trees and the fence posts and the bridges and the buildings on the hill all would classify as shadows. There was no [[life]] here; the life was up ahead. Life must occupy but a single point in time, and as time moved forward, life moved with it. And so was gone, thought Blaine, any dream that Man might have ever held of visiting the past and living in the action and the thought and the viewpoint of men who’d long been dust. For the living past did not exist, nor did the human past except in the records of the past. The present was the only valid point for life—life kept moving on, keeping pace with the present, and once it had passed, all traces of it or its existences were carefully erased. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * There were certain basic things, perhaps—the very earth, itself—which existed through every point in time, holding a sort of limited eternity to provide a solid matrix. And the dead—the dead and fabricated—stayed in the past as ghosts. The fence posts and the wire strung on them, the dead trees, the farm buildings, and the bridge were shadows of the present persisting in the past. Persisting, perhaps, reluctantly, because since they had no life they could not move along. They were bound in [[time]] and stretched through time and they were long, long shadows.<br>He was, he realized with a shock, the only living thing existing in this moment on this earth. He and nothing else. ** Chapter 11 (p. 87) * Where would one find an answer? For the belief—the will to believe—was engrained deeply in the human fiber. Not entirely, either, in the matrix of the present situation, but in the blood and bone of Man clear back to the caves. There was in the soul of Man a certain deadly fascination with all things macabre. The situation as it stood had been grasped willingly, almost eagerly, by men for whom the world had become a rather tame and vapid place with no terror in it beyond the brute force [[Fear|terror]] of atomic weapons and the dread uncertainty of unstable men in [[power]]. ** Chapter 13 (p. 101) * For this, he realized, was the [[future]]. It was a place without a single feature of the space-time matrix that he knew. It was a place where nothing yet had happened—an utter emptiness. There was neither light nor dark; there was nothing here but emptiness. There had never been anything in this place, nor was anything ever intended to occupy this place—until this very moment when he and his machine had been thrust upon it, intruders who had overstepped their time. ** Chapter 33 (pp. 174-175) * The red thought rose up inside Blaine’s brain: Why not kill him now?<br>For the [[Homicide|killing]] would come easy. He was an easy man to [[Hatred|hate]]. Not on principle alone, but personally, clear down to his guts. ** Chapter 26 (p. 206) * In those villages, he wondered, how much ability and [[genius]] might be lying barren, ability and genius that the world could use but would never know because of the intolerance and hate which was held against the very people who were least qualified as the targets of it.<br>And the pity of it was that such hate and such intolerance would never have been born, could never have existed, had it not been for men like Finn—the bigots and the egomaniacs; the harsh, stern Puritans; the little men who felt the need of [[power]] to lift them from their smallness. ** Chapter 30 (p. 227) * They were the misfits of the world, the outcasts, for they deviated from the norm of humanity as established through all of history. Yet it was this very deviation which made them the hope of all mankind. Ordinary human beings—the kind of human beings who had brought the race this far—were not enough today. The ordinary humans had pushed the culture forward as far as they could push it. It had served its purpose; it had brought the ordinary human as far as he could go. Now the race evolved. Now new abilities had awoke and grown—exactly as the creatures of the Earth had evolved and specialized and then evolved again from that first moment when the first feeble spark of life had come into being in the seething chemical bath of a new and madcap planet.<br>Twisted brains, the normal people called them; magic people, dwellers of the darkness—and could anyone say no to this? For each people set its standards for each generation and these standards and these norms were not set by any universal rule, by no all-encompassing yardstick, but by what amounted to majority agreement, with the choice arrived at through all the prejudice and bias, all the faulty thinking and the unstable logic to which all [[intelligence]] is prone. ** Chapter 31 (pp. 233-234) * It was not his fight. Not personally his fight. No more his fight than any one of them. But he had made it his. Because of Stone, because of Rand and Harriet, because of priest who’d hounded him across half the continent, he had tried to make a fight of it. And perhaps, as well, because of something undefinable, unknown to himself, unsuspected in himself—some crazy idealism, some deep-rooted sense of [[justice]], some basic aversion to bullies and bigots and reformers. ** Chapter 32 (p. 245) * It was [[authority]] that turned men suspicious and stern-faced. Authority and responsibility which made them not themselves, but a sort of corporate body that tried to think as a corporate body rather than as a person. ** Chapter 32 (pp. 245-246) * They’d lived all their life on [[Earth]]; they knew nothing but the Earth. They had never really touched an alien concept, and that was all this concept was. It was not really as slimy as it seemed. It was only alien. There were a lot of alien things that could make one’s hair stand up on end while in their proper alien context they were fairly ordinary. ** Chapter 32 (p. 249) * “Anita,” he asked, “are there really werewolves?”<br>“Yes,” she told him. “Your werewolves are down there.”<br>And that was right, he thought. The darkness of the [[mind]], the bleakness of the [[thought]], the shallowness of [[purpose]]. These were the werewolves of the world. ** Chapter 34 (p. 263) === ''[[w:Way Station|Way Station]]'' (1963) === [[File:Milky Way from Flickr.jpg|thumb|right| There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew...]] [[File:CL0024+17.jpg|thumb|right|Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined.]] [[File:Apophysis El Dorado.jpg|thumb|right|His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.]] [[File:Schematicy-atom.svg|thumb|right|He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.]] [[File:6205 - Meiringen - Reichenbachfall viewed from Sandstrasse.JPG|thumb|right|This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.]] [[File:Nuclear_artillery_test_Grable_Event_-_Part_of_Operation_Upshot-Knothole.jpg|thumb|right|Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.]] [[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force. It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us.]] * '''It was a hopeless thing, he thought, this obsession of his to present the people of the Earth as good and reasonable. For in many ways they were neither good nor reasonable; perhaps because they had not as yet entirely grown up.''' They were smart and quick and at times compassionate and even understanding, but they failed lamentably in many other ways.<br>But if they had the chance, Enoch told himself, if they ever got a break, if they only could be told what was out in space, then they'd get a grip upon themselves and they would measure up and then, in the course of time, would be admitted into the great cofraternity of the people of the stars. ** Ch. 11 * '''There was so much knowledge in the galaxy and he knew so little of it, understood so little of the little that he knew.'''<br> There were men on Earth who could make sense of it. Men who would give anything short of their very lives to know the little that he knew, and could put it all to use.<br>'''Out among the stars lay a massive body of knowledge, some of it an extension of what mankind knew, some of it concerning matters which Man had not yet suspected, and used in ways and for purposes that Man had not as yet imagined. And never might imagine, if left on his own.''' ** Ch. 11 * The impulse patterns which carried creatures star to star were almost instantaneous, no matter what the distance.<br>He stood and thought about it and it still was hard, he admitted to himself, for a person to believe. ** Ch. 12 * '''His mind went back to that strange business of the spiritual force and the even stranger machine which had been built eons ago, by means of which the galactic people were able to establish contact with the force.''' There was a name for that machine, but there was no word in the English language which closely approximated it. "[[w:Amulet|Talisman]]" was the closest, but Talisman was too crude a word. Although that had been the word that Ulysses had used when, some years ago, they had talked of it. ** Ch. 12 * The Talisman could be operated only by certain beings with certain types of minds and something else besides (could it be, he wondered, with certain kinds of souls?). "Sensitives" was the word he had used in his mental translation of the term for these kinds of people, but once again, he could not be sure if the word came close to fitting. The Talisman was placed in the custody of the most capable, or the most efficient, or the most devoted (whichever it might be) of the galactic sensitives, who carried it from star to star in a sort of eternal progression. And on each planet the people came to make personal and individual contact with the spiritual force through the intervention and the agency of the Talisman and its custodian.<br> He found that he was shivering at the thought of it — the pure ecstasy of reaching out and touching the spirituality that flooded through the galaxy and, undoubtedly, through the universe. The assurance would be there, he thought, the assurance that life had a special place in the great scheme of existence, that one, no matter how small, how feeble, how insignificant, still did count for something in the vast sweep of space and time. ** Ch. 12 * '''He had dabbled in a thing which he had not understood. And had, furthermore, committed that greater sin of thinking that he did understand.''' And the fact of the matter was that he had just barely understood enough to make the concept work, but had not understood enough to be aware of its consequences. ** Ch. 13 * The Hazer would be arriving at about the same time as Ulysses and the three of them could spend a pleasant evening. It was not too often that two good friends ever visited here at once. <br> He stood a bit aghast at thinking of the Hazer as a friend, for more than likely the being itself was one he had never met. But that made little difference, for a Hazer, any Hazer, would turn out to be a friend. ** Ch. 14 * Could it be, he wondered, that the goldenness was the Hazers' life force and that they wore it like a cloak, as a sort of over-all disguise? Did they wear that life force on the outside of them while all other creatures wore it on the inside? ** Ch. 15 * '''He had acted on an impulse, with no thought at all. The girl had asked protection and here she had protection, here nothing in the world ever could get at her.''' But she was a human being and no human being, other than himself, should have ever crossed the threshold.<br> But it was done and there was no way to change it. Once across the threshold, there was no way to change it. ** Ch. 16 * She looked quickly up. And then her eyes once more went back to the flashing thing she was holding in her hands.<br> He saw that it was the pyramid of spheres and now all the spheres were spinning slowly, in alternating clockwise and counterclockwise motions, and that as they spun they shone and glittered, each in its own particular color, as if there might be, deep inside each one of them, a source of soft, warm light.<br>'''Enoch caught his breath at the beauty and the wonder of it — the old, hard wonder of what this thing might be and what it might be meant to do.''' He had examined it a hundred times or more and had puzzled at it and there had been nothing he could find that was of significance. So far as he could see, it was only something that was meant to be looked at, although there had been that persistent feeling that it had a purpose and that, perhaps, somehow, it was meant to operate.<br>'''And now it was in operation.''' He had tried a hundred times to get it figured out and Lucy had picked it up just once and had got it figured out.<br> He noticed the rapture with which she was regarding it. Was it possible, he wondered, that she knew its purpose? ** Ch. 18 * '''Hank Fisher would tell how he'd tried to break into the house and couldn't and there'd be others who would try to break into the house and there'd be hell to pay.'''<br> Enoch sweated, thinking of it.<br> '''All the years of keeping out of people's way, all the years of being unobtrusive would be for nothing then. This strange house upon a lonely ridge would become a mystery for the world, and a challenge and a target for all the crackpots of the world.''' ** Ch. 18 * The alien stood in shadow and he looked, Enoch thought, more than ever like the cruel clown. His lithe, flowing body had the look of smoked, tanned buckskin. The patchwork color of his hide seemed to shine with a faint luminescence and the sharp, hard angles of his face, the smooth baldness of his head, the flat, pointed ears pasted tight against the skull lent him a vicious fearsomeness.<br> If one did not know him for the gentle character that he was, Enoch told himself, he would be enough to scare a man out of seven years of growth. ** Ch. 19 * The Talisman has been missing for several years or so. And no one knows about it — except Galactic Central and the — what would you call it? — the hierarchy, I suppose, the organization of mystics who takes care of the spiritual setup. And yet, even with no one knowing, the galaxy is beginning to show wear. It's coming apart at the seams. In time to come, it may fall apart. As if the Talisman represented a force that all unknowingly held the races of the galaxy together, exerting its influence even when it remained unseen. ** Ch. 21 * '''It's not the machine itself that does the trick. The machine merely acts as an intermediary between the sensitive and the spiritual force.''' It is an extension of the sensitive. It magnifies the capability of the sensitive and acts as a link of some sort. It enables the sensitive to perform his function. ** Ch. 21 * If there could only be more time, he thought. But, of course, there never was. There was not the time right now and there would never be. No matter how many centuries he might be able to devote, there'd always be so much more knowledge than he'd gathered at the moment that the little he had gathered would always seem a pittance. ** Ch. 23 * '''That had not been the first time nor had it been the last, but all the years of killing boiled down in essence to that single moment — not the time that came after, but that long and terrible instant when he had watched the lines of men purposefully striding up the slope to kill him.''' <br> It had been in that moment that he had realized the insanity of war, the futile gesture that in time became all but meaningless, the unreasoning rage that must be nursed long beyond the memory of the incident that had caused the rage, the sheer illogic that one man, by death or misery, might prove a right or uphold a principle.<br> '''Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries.''' ** Ch. 25 * There was a comfort in the thought, a strange sort of personal comfort in being able to believe that some intelligence might have solved the riddle of that mysterious equation of the universe. And how, perhaps, that mysterious equation might tie in with the spiritual force that was idealistic brother to time and space and all those other elemental factors that held the universe together. ** Ch. 30 * '''Ulysses, he thought, had not told him all the truth about the Talisman. He had told him that it had disappeared and that the galaxy was without it, but he had not told him that for many years its power and glory had been dimmed by the failure of its custodian to provide linkage between the people and the force.''' And all that time the corrosion occasioned by that failure had eaten away at the bonds of the galactic cofraternity. ** Ch. 30 * '''How strange it is, he thought, how so many senseless things shape our destiny.''' For the rifle range had been a senseless thing, as senseless as a billiard table or a game of cards — designed for one thing only, to please the keeper of the station. And yet the hours he'd spent there had shaped toward this hour and end, to this single instant on this restricted slope of ground. ** Ch. 32 [[File:Paradiso Canto 31.jpg|thumb|right|Perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.]] * '''There is a certain rapport, a sensitivity — I don't know how to say it — that forms a bridge between this strange machine and the cosmic spiritual force.''' It is not the machine, itself, you understand, that reaches out and taps the spiritual force. It is the living creature's mind, aided by the mechanism, that brings the force to us. ** Ch. 33 * A machine, a mechanism, no more than a tool — technological brother to the hoe, the wrench, the hammer — and yet as far a cry from these as the human brain was from that first amino acid which had come into being on this planet when the Earth was very young. '''One was tempted, Enoch thought, to say that this was as far as a tool could go, that it was the ultimate in the ingenuity possessed by any brain. But that would be a dangerous way of thinking, for perhaps there was no limit, there might, quite likely, be no such condition as the ultimate; there might be no time when any creature or any group of creatures could stop at any certain point and say, this is as far as we can go, there is no use of trying to go farther.''' For each new development produced, as side effects, so many other possibilities, so many other roads to travel, that with each step one took down any given road there were more paths to follow. There'd never be an end, he thought — no end to anything. ** Ch. 33 * She always had been in touch with something outside of human ken. She had something in her no other human had. You sensed it, but you could not name it, for there was no name for this thing she had. And she had fumbled with it, trying to use it, not knowing how to use it, charming off the warts and healing poor hurt butterflies and only God knew what other acts that she performed unseen. ** Ch. 34 * The [[river]] rolled below him and the river did not care. [[Nothing]] mattered to the river. It would take the tusk of mastodon, the skull of sabertooth, the rib cage of a man, the dead and sunken tree, the thrown rock or rifle and would swallow each of them and cover them in mud or sand and roll gurgling over them, hiding them from sight. <br /> '''A million [[years]] [[Past|ago]] there had been no river here and in a million years [[Future|to come]] there might be no river — but in a million years from now there would be, if not [[Human|Man]], at least a caring thing. And that was the [[secret]] of the [[universe]], Enoch told himself — a thing that went on caring.''' ** Ch. 35 === ''[[w:All Flesh is Grass (novel)|All Flesh is Grass]]'' (1965) === :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Nebula Award for Best Novel|Nebula Award for Best Novel]] in 1966. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the mass market edition published by Avon Books, September 1978, ISBN 0-380-39933-4 </small> * What strange circumstances, or what odd combination of many circumstances, must occur, I wondered, to make it possible for a man to step from one world to another. ** Chapter 11 (p. 105) * For even if the life of my own Earth and this other Earth on which I stood had started out identically (and they might well have started out identically) there still would be, along the way, millions of little deviations, no one of which, perhaps, by itself, would be significant, but the cumulative effects of all these deviations eventually would result in a life and culture that would bear no resemblance to any other Earth. ** Chapter 12 (p. 123) * Even if the barrier now should disappear and the Flowers withdraw their attention from our Earth, we still would have been shaken from the comfortable little rut which assumed that life as we know it was the only kind of life and that our road of knowledge was the only one that was broad and straight and paved.<br>There had been ogres in the past, by finally the ogres had been banished. The trolls and ghouls and imps and all the others of the tribe had been pushed out of our lives, for they could survive only on the misty shores of ignorance and in the land of superstition. Now, I thought, we’d know an ignorance again (but a different kind of ignorance) and superstition, too, for superstition fed upon the lack of knowledge. With this hint of another world—even if its denizens should decide not to flaunt themselves, even if we should find a way to stop them—the trolls and ghouls and goblins would be back with us again. There’d be chimney corner gossip of this other place and a frantic, desperate search to rationalize the implied horror of its vast and unknown reaches, and out of this very search would rise a horror greater than any the other world could hold. We’d be afraid, as we had been before, of the darkness that lay beyond the little circle of our campfire. ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * “They’re just ordinary people,” Nancy said. “You can’t expect too much of them.” ** Chapter 17 (p. 179) * They would fail. We would always fail. We weren’t built to do anything but fail. We had the wrong kind of motives and we couldn’t change them. We had a built-in short-sightedness and an inherent selfishness and a self-concern that made it impossible to step out of the little human rut we traveled. ** Chapter 18 (p. 195) * We feel much sorrow for you, the elm tree had said. But what kind of sorrow—a real and sincere sorrow, or the superficial and pedantic sorrow of the immortal for a frail and flickering creature that was about to die? ** Chapter 24 (p. 247) === ''Why Call Them Back From Heaven?'' (1967) === * "One thing more, son. Do you believe in [[God]]?" <br>Slowly Frost put the spoon back into the bowl. <br>He asked: "You really want an answer?" <br>"I want an answer," said the man. "I want an honest one." <br>'''"The answer," said Frost, "is that I don't know. Not, certainly, in the kind of God that you are thinking of. Not the old white-whiskered, woodcut gentleman. But a supreme being — yes, I would believe in a God of that sort.''' Because it seems to me there must be some sort of force or power or will throughout the [[universe]]. The universe is too orderly for it to be otherwise. When you measure all this orderliness, from the mechanism of the atom at one end of the scale, out to the precision of the operation of the universe at the other end, it seems unbelievable that there is not a supervisory force of some kind, a benevolent ruling force to maintain that sort of order." === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|A Choice of Gods]]'' (1972) === [[File:Plasma lamp touching.jpg|thumb|right|There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out of the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect.]] [[File:A Young Pulsar Shows its Hand.jpg|thumb|right|I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid...]] :<small> Nominated for the [[w:Hugo Award for Best Novel|Hugo Award for Best Novel]] in 1973. </small> :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, September 1973, {{ISBN|0425024121}}, 5th printing </small> * The robots are not technologically minded. They were not built to be. They were built to bolster human vanity and pride, to meet a strange longing that seems to be built into the human ego—the need to have other humans (or a reasonable facsimile of other humans) to minister to our wants and needs, human slaves to be dominated, human beings over which a man or woman (or a child) can assert authority, thus building up a false feeling of superiority. ** Chapter 1 (pp. 6-7) * He sat in the chair, unmoving, looking at the room and wondering again at the quiet satisfaction that he always found within it, and at times more than satisfaction, as if the room, with its book-lined loftiness and vastness, carried a special benediction. The thoughts of many men, he told himself, resided in the space—all the great thinkers of the world held secure between the bindings of the volumes on the shelves, selected and placed there long ago by his grandfather so that in the days to come the essence of the human race, the heritage of recorded thought, would always be at hand. ** Chapter 3 (pp. 16-17) * —Look, said Jason, it is an old idea. There was never any proof. There was only faith. I have a soul, one would tell himself. He believed it because he had been told by others. Told authoritatively. Without any question. He was told so often and he told himself so often that there was no question in his mind that he had a soul. But there was never any evidence. There was never any proof. ** Chapter 5 (p. 42) * It seems to be a social axiom that as misery and privation increase for the many, the few rise ever higher in luxury and comfort, feeding on the misery. Not aware, perhaps, that they feed upon the misery, not with any wish of feeding on it—but they do. ** Chapter 6 (p. 46) * Could it be possible, Hezekiah asked himself, that there was no room for both the faith and truth, that they were mutually exclusive qualities that could not coexist? He shuddered as he thought of it, for if this should be the case, they had spent their centuries of devotion to but little purpose, pursuing a will-o'-the-wisp. Must faith be exactly that, the willingness and ability to believe in the face of a lack of evidence? If one could find the evidence, would then the faith be dead? If that were the situation, then which one did they want? Had it been, he wondered, that men had tried what they even now were trying and had realized that there was no such thing as truth, but only faith, and being unable to accept the faith without its evidence, had dropped the faith as well? ** Chapter 7 (p. 52) * He doubted very much that at any time man could have been said to have truly owned the earth. Rather, they had taken it, wresting it from the other creatures that had as much right of ownership as they, but without the intelligence or the ingenuity or power to assert their rights. Man had been pushy, arrogant interloper rather than the owner. He had taken over by the force of mind, which could be as detestable as the force of muscle, making his own rules, setting his own goals, establishing his own values in utter disregard of all other living things. ** Chapter 13 (p. 84) * And how much did he and the others lost when they had turned their backs on magic? Belief, of course, and there might be some value in belief, although there was, as well, delusion and did a man want to pay for the value of belief in the coinage of delusion? ** Chapter 15 (pp. 96-97) * ''The situation outlined is immaterial to us. We could help humanity, but there is no reason that we should. Humanity is a transient factor and is none of our concern.'' ** Chapter 22 (p. 130) * I have become a student of the sky and know all the clouds there are and have firmly fixed in mind the various hues of blue that the sky can show—the washed-out, almost invisible blue of a hot, summer noon; the soft robin’s egg, sometimes almost greenish blue of a late springtime evening, the darker, almost violet blue of fall. I have become a connoisseur of the coloring that the leaves take on in autumn and I know all the voices and the moods of the woods and river valley. I have, in a measure, entered into communion with nature, and in this wise have followed in the footsteps of Red Cloud and his people, although I am sure that their understanding and their emotions are more fine-tuned than mine are. I have seen, however, the roll of seasons, the birth and death of leaves, the glitter of the stars on more nights than I can number and from all this as from nothing else I have gained a sense of a purpose and an orderliness which it does not seem to me can have stemmed from accident alone.<br>It seems to me, thinking of it, that there must be some universal plan which set in motion the orbiting of the electrons about the nucleus and the slower, more majestic orbit of the galaxies about one another to the very edge of space. There is a plan, it seems to me, that reaches out from the electron to the rim of the universe and what this plan may be or how it came about is beyond my feeble intellect. But if we are looking for something on which to pin our faith—and, indeed, our hope—the plan might well be it. I think we have thought too small and have been too afraid... ** Chapter 24 (pp. 136-137) * Now it seemed that this had been a self-sustained illusion he had nourished carefully to bolster a sense of his own importance. ** Chapter 25 (p. 140) * These kind never change. The machine does something to a man. It brutalizes him. It serves as a buffer between himself and his environment and he is the worst for it. It arouses an opportunistic instinct and makes possible a greed that makes a man inhuman. ** Chapter 28 (p. 152) * For the old do not really mind; in a strange way they become sufficient to themselves. They need so very little and they care so very little. They climb the mountain no one else can see and as they climb the old, once-valued things they’ve carried all their lives tend to drop away and as they climb the higher the knapsack that they carry becomes emptier, but perhaps no less in weight than it had ever been, and the few things that are left in it, they find, with some amusement, or those few indispensable belongings which they’ve gathered in a long lifetime of effort and of seeking. They wonder greatly, if they think of it at all, how it was left to age to winnow out the chaff they’ve carried all the years, thinking that it was valuable when it was only chaff. When they reach the mountain top, they find that they can see farther than they’ve ever seen before and with greater clarity and, if by this time they’re not past all caring, may bemoan that they must approach the end of their lives before they can see with this marvelous clarity, which does little for them now, but might, in earlier years, have been of incalculable value. ** Chapter 30 (pp. 157-158) === ''[[w:Clifford D. Simak bibliography|Cemetery World]]'' (1973) === [[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|right|I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same... there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment.]] [[File:Whirpool Galaxy.jpg|thumb|right|If we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...]] :<small> All page numbers are from the first mass market edition, published by Berkley Medallion, July 1974, {{ISBN|0425026264}} </small> * “I bore you, Mr. Carson?”<br>“Not at all,” I told him. And it was the truth. He was not boring me. He fascinated me. It seemed impossible that he could, in conscience, believe this flowery rubbish. ** Chapter 2 (p. 12) * The sun was setting, throwing a fog-like dusk across the stream and trees, and there was a coolness in the air. It was time, I knew, to be getting back to camp. But I did not want to move. For I had the feeling that this was a place, once seen, that could not be seen again. If I left and then came back, it would not be the same; no matter how many times I might return to this particular spot the place and feeling would never be the same, something would be lost or something would be added, and there never would exist again, through all eternity, all the integrated factors that made it what it was in this magic moment. ** Chapter 5 (p. 39) * Someone must have known, but I never did. I have often wondered. It was the only way, you see, that a war could still be fought. No human could go to fight that kind of war. So man’s servants and companions, the machines, carried on the war. I don’t know why they kept on fighting. I have often asked myself. They’d destroyed all there’d ever been to fight for and there was not use of keeping on. ** Chapter 5 (p. 40) * You do not understand what happens in war—a sort of sublime madness, an unholy hatred that is twisted into an unreasoning sense of righteousness… ** Chapter 7 (p. 62) * Like so many other fairy tales, I thought it was a horror story. ** Chapter 16 (pp. 129-130) * “I find it a most intriguing and amusing thing that it might be possible to package the experiences, not only of one's self, but of other people. Think of the hoard we might then lay up against our later, lonely years when all old friends are gone and the opportunity for new experiences have withered. All we need to do then is to reach up to a shelf and take down a package that we have bottled or preserved or whatever the phrase might be, say from a hundred years ago, and uncorking it, enjoy the same experience again, as sharp and fresh as the first time it had happened”... “I have tried to imagine,” said our host, “the various ingredients one might wish to compound in such a package. Beside the bare experience itself, the context of it, one might say, he should want to capture and hold all the subsidiary factors which might serve as a background for it — the sound, the feel of wind and sun, the cloud floating in the sky, the color and the scent. For such a packaging, to give the desired results, must be as perfect as one can make it. It must have all those elements which would be valuable in invoking the total recall of some event that had taken place many years before.” ** Chapter 18 (p. 147; ellipsis represents the elision of one short paragraph of description) * “As an auxiliary to all of this,” he said, “I have found myself speculating upon a world in which no one ever grew up. I admit, of course, that it is a rather acrobatic feat of thinking, not entirely consistent, to leap from the one idea to the other. In a world where one was able to package his experiences, he merely would be able to relive at some future time the experiences of the past. But in a world of the eternally young he'd have no need of such packaging. Each new day would bring the same freshness and the everlasting wonder inherent in the world of children. There would be no realization of death and no fear born of the knowledge of the future. Life would be eternal and there'd be no thought of change. One would exist in an everlasting matrix and while there would be little variation from one day to the next, one would not be aware of this and there'd be no boredom...” ** Chapter 18 (p. 148) === ''Shakespeare's Planet'' (1976)=== [[File:Glory 2004.04.650.jpg|thumb|right|[[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists...]] * [[Time]] is still the great [[mystery]] to us. It is no more than a concept; we don't know if it even exists... === ''A Heritage of Stars'' (1977) === [[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|right|If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.]] * '''Space is an illusion, and time as well. There is no such factor as either time or space. We have been blinded by our own cleverness, blinded by false perceptions of those qualities that we term eternity and infinity.''' There is another factor that explains it all, and once this universal factor is recognized, everything grows simple. There is no longer any mystery, no longer any wonder, no longer any doubt; for the simplicity of it all lies before us... * We came into a homeless frontier, a place where we were not welcome, where nothing that lived was welcome, where thought and logic were abhorrent and we were frightened, but we went into this place because the universe lay before us, and '''if we were to know ourselves, we must know the universe...''' * '''If mankind were to continue in other than the present barbarism, a new path must be found, a new civilization based on some other method than technology.''' === ''Highway of Eternity'' (1986) === [[File:Soap bubble sky.jpg|thumb|right|They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is...]] [[File:Canis lupus standing in snow.jpg|thumb|right|The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.]] [[File:Cantel 24cell1.png|thumb|right|Time means nothing to it … nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them.]] [[File:Hoag's object.jpg|thumb|right|"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> Not so small as you might think.]] * '''A wrongness persisted, a sense of aberration, some factor not quite right, the feeling of a corner. But Boone could not pin it down; there seemed no way to reach it.''' * "We're very close to immortal, you know. The time mechanism keeps it that way." <br>"No, I hadn't known," said Boone. <br>"Inside the time bubble we do not age. We age only when we are outside of it." * "They changed," said Enid, "from corporeal beings, from biological beings, to incorporeal beings, immaterial, pure intelligences. They now are ranged in huge communities on crystal lattices..." * '''What your friend told you of his seeing of the time wall is true, Henry said in Boone's mind. I know he saw it, although imperfectly.''' Your friend is most unusual. So far as I know, no other human actually can see it; although there are ways of detecting time. I tried to show him a sniffler. There are a number of snifflers, trying to sniff out the bubble. '''They know there's something strange, but don't know what it is.''' * "We have time travel," she said, "and none of us, I am sure, really understands it. We stole it from the Infinites. To steal time travel was the one way we could fight back, the one way we could flee. The human race had far space travel before the Infinites showed up. I think it was our far travel that aroused the interest of the Infinites in us. I've often wondered if some of the very primitive principles of time might not have made our many-times-faster-than-light travel possible. Time is somehow tied into space, but I have never known quite how." * '''He stirred again, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, and he was not alone.''' Across the fire from him sat, or seemed to sit, a man wrapped in some all-enveloping covering that might have been a cloak, wearing on his head a conical hat that dropped down so far it hid his face. Beside him sat the wolf — the wolf, for Boone was certain that it was the same wolf with which he'd found himself sitting nose to nose when he had wakened the night before. '''The wolf was smiling at him, and he had never known that a wolf could smile.''' <br>He stared at the hat. Who are you? What is this about? <br>He spoke in his mind, talking to himself, not really to the hat. He had not spoken aloud for fear of startling the wolf. <br>'''The Hat replied. It is about the brotherhood of life. Who I am is of no consequence. I am only here to act as an interpreter.''' <br>An interpreter for whom? <br>For the wolf and you. <br>But the wolf does not talk. <br>No, he does not talk. But he thinks. He is greatly pleased and puzzled. <br>Puzzled I can understand. But pleased? <br>He feels a sameness with you. He senses something in you that reminds him of himself. He puzzles what you are. <br>In time to come, said Boone, he will be one with us. He will become a dog. <br>'''If he knew that, said The Hat, it would not impress him. He thinks now to be one with you. An equal. A dog is not your equal...''' * '''Perversity, she thought. Could that have been what happened to the human race — a willing perversity that set at naught all human values which had been so hardly won and structured in the light of reason for a span of more than a million years? Could the human race, quite out of hand and with no sufficient reason, have turned its back upon everything that had built humanity?''' Or was it, perhaps, no more than second childhood, a shifting of the burden off one's shoulders and going back to the selfishness of the child who romped and frolicked without thought of consequence or liability? * '''"It is a net," said Horseface, "useful for the fishing of the universe."''' <br>Enid crinkled up her face, staring at what he called a net. It was a flimsy thing and it had no shape. <br>"Certainly," she said, "you would not go fishing the universe in so slight a thing as this."<br>''' "Time means nothing to it," said Horseface, "nor does space. It is independent of both time and space except as it makes use of them."''' * Boone gulped and swallowed. He spoke to The Hat. <br>"You said the Highway to Eternity?"<br> '''That is not what I said. I said the Highway ''of'' [[Eternity]].'''<br>"Small difference," Boone told him. <br> '''Not so small as you might think.''' * "This is the core of the galaxy," Horseface said. "This is the very center of everything there is. A huge black hole eating up the galaxy. The end of everything." * '''"Much of what we see in the universe," said Hugo, "starts out as imaginary. Often you must imagine something before you can come to terms with it."''' * An untold time ago, there was a well-founded perception that the human race would end and that something else must take its place.<br>Why must something else take its place? <br> I cannot tell you that. There is no solid rationale for it, but the belief seemed to be that there must be a dominant race upon this planet. Before men were the dinosaurs and before the dinosaurs there were the trilobites... * '''Without consciousness and intelligence, the universe would lack meaning.''' == Quotes about Simak == * I never heard a bad word about him but only universal approval and approbation... [I have tried to] imitate his easy and uncluttered style. I think I have succeeded to an extent and that it has immeasurably improved my writing. He is the third of three people, then, who formed my writing career. [[John W. Campbell|John Campbel]]l and [[w:Frederik Pohl|Fred Pohl]] did it by precept, and Cliff Simak by example. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] in ''I, Asimov'' (1994) * Without Simak, science fiction would have been without its most humane element, its most humane spokesman for the wisdom of the ordinary person and the value of life lived close to the land. ** [[w:James Gunn (author)|James Gunn]], as quoted in promotional quote on a 2016 edition of ''City'' * Since the earliest thirties, to read science fiction is to read Simak. A reader who does not like Simak stories does not like science fiction at all. **[[Robert A. Heinlein]], in a letter of appreciation, as quoted in ''Robert A. Heinlein : In Dialogue with His Century'', Volume 2: ''The Man Who Learned Better | 1948-1988'' (2014), p. 389 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.nndb.com/people/208/000044076/ Simak at NNDB] * [http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/clifford-d-simak/ Simak at Fantastic Fiction] * [http://templetongate.tripod.com/simak.htm Simak at Templeton Gate] * [http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/ea.cgi?Clifford_D._Simak Simak at ISFDB] * [http://www.tc.umn.edu/~brams006/simak/index.html Clifford Simak Fan Site] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20070823020035/http://www.geocities.com/fantasticreviews/choice_of_gods.htm Review of ''A Choice of Gods''] {{DEFAULTSORT: Simak, Clifford D.}} [[Category:Science fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:1904 births]] [[Category:1988 deaths]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] mf45nfdyjwfzl3kwwvqdeoxoie9y4yk 0 12527 3155653 3129326 2022-08-17T22:28:31Z 2603:3000:74:8000:755E:12B4:E46F:326A wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Earthworm Jim|Earthworm Jim]]''''' is a [[w:platforming game|platforming]] [[video game]] released on the [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]] in 1994, starring an earthworm in a [[cybernetic]] suit with a [[w:plasma weapon|plasma gun]] and a [[w:rocket|rocket]], trying to rescue a [[w:zoomorphic|zoomorphic]] [[w:insectoid|insectoid]] [[princess]]. It spun off an [[animated]] series on Kids' WB a year later. ==''Earthworm Jim'' (video game)== :'''Earthworm Jim''': GROOVY! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Whoa, Nelly! :'''Earthworm Jim''': WHAM! :'''Earthworm Jim''': ''(flying the Pocket Rocket)'' I'm a rocket-man! :'''Earthworm Jim''': ''(notices the asteroids in the bonus stage)'' Look, they're meatballs! ==''[[w:Earthworm Jim 2|Earthworm Jim 2]]''== :'''Earthworm Jim''': GROOVY! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Way cool! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Tender! <hr width=50%/> :''(As the on-screen text starts, Psycrow is lying on the ground in pain as Jim and the Princess pose together)'' :'''Text:''' And so, having defeated the nefarious Psycrow, our hero Earthworm Jim is reunited with the lovely Princess What's-Her-Name. :''(the Princess pulls off her clothes, revealing a cow underneath. Jim's mood turns to confusion.)'' :'''Text:''' And so, having defeated the nefarious Psycrow, our hero Earthworm Jim is reunited with the lovely '''COW'''. :''(Psycrow reveals himself to also be a cow. Jim now looked shocked.)'' :'''Text:''' And so, having defeated the nefarious '''COW''', our hero Earthworm Jim is reunited with the lovely '''COW'''. :''(Jim turns himself into a cow as well)'' :'''Text:''' And so, having defeated the nefarious '''COW''', our hero the '''COW''' is reunited with the lovely '''COW'''. ==''[[w:Earthworm Jim 3D|Earthworm Jim 3D]]''== :'''Earthworm Jim''': Ungroovy :'''Earthworm Jim''': Great gogglie wogglie! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Pork Boardin! :'''Earthworm Jim''': There's only one ego for this job, and it's a REALLY BIG ONE! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Pain! :'''Earthworm Jim''': It's a farmyard out there. :'''Earthworm Jim''': Cheesy effects! It's the tex-mex that TIME FORGOT! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Gravity Suuuuuucks! :'''Earthworm Jim''': Must... wreak... havoc! <hr width=50%/> :'''Psycrow''': I love the smell of bacon in the morning. == External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1994 video games]] 2g5i1gdl18kpsyw7ytfpka6yn10x0ag 0 12787 3155634 3154481 2022-08-17T20:52:26Z Vittorio Fedele 3059339 /* Philoctetes */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology. :''Directed by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] and [[w:John Musker|John Musker]]. Written by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [[w:Barry Johnson|Barry Johnson]], [[w:Don McEnery|Don McEnery]], [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Bob Shaw|Bob Shaw]].'' {{center|'''A Comedy of Olympian Proportions'''}} == Hercules == * Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay... And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing?! Man! I thought ''I'' had problems! * But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I'm an action figure! ** Spoken to Zeus * A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? == Megara == * Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.' * It's been a real slice. * ''[rushing into Thebes, crying out]'' Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident. * ''[Hercules walks to the Cyclops]'' What are you doing?! Without your strength you'll be killed! * ''[seeking a pillar falling, gasps in shock]'' Hercules, look out-- ''[runs to push him out of the way; the pillar crushes her]'' * ''[as she lies down dying]'' Hades' deal is broken. ''[groans]'' He promised I wouldn't get hurt. ''[moans]'' People always do crazy things... ''[moans again]'' when they're in love. * You're really choked up about this, aren't you? * Then read my lips! Forget it. == Hades == * How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat! Huh?! ''[No one replies.]'' So, is this an audience or a mosaic? * Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting. * He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey! They bet on the wrong horse. Okay? * Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? I own you! * ''[after Pegasus blows out his flaming hair]'' Whoa! Is my hair out?! * [''As the Titans attack away from Mount Olympus''] Uh, guys? Olympus would be ''that'' way. [''points in the opposite direction''] * Zeusy, I'm home! == Philoctetes == * I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. ''(Looking at a statue of a soldier in armour)'' And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! ''[pause]'' '''BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS!''' He barely gets nicked there once ''(flicks the statue´s heel; it shatters into tiny fragments)'' and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. * One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. * ''[As Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off]'' '''WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!''' * ''[After Hercules defeats the Hydra]'' '''YOU DID IT, KID! YOU DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!''' * No No No No No kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you? * ''[about Meg]'' She's a fraud! ==Hermes== * "Fabulous party. Y'know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself." * "Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. ''(Pain and Panic grab him)'' Ah! ''I've'' been captured! Hey, watch the glasses." ==The Narrator and the Muses== :'''Narrator''': ''[First lines]'' Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story — :'''Thalia''': Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy! :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude! :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calliope''': If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. :'''Terpsichore''': 'Cause he had an evil plan. :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the underworld, <br /> But thought the dead were dull and uncouth <br /> He was as mean as he was ruthless <br /> And that's the gospel truth <br /> He had a plan to shake things up <br /> And that's the gospel truth!<!-- Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld --> <hr width="50%"/> :<p>'''Melpomene''': ''[singing]'' Young Herc was mortal now <br /> But since he did not drink the last drop, <br /> He still retained his godlike strength, <br /> So thank his lucky star</p><p>But Zeus and Hera wept <br /> Because their son could never come home, <br /> They'd have to watch their precious baby <br /> Grow up from afar</p><p> Though, Hades' horrid plan <br /> Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth <br /> The boy grew stronger ev'ry day <br /> And that's the gospel truth</p><!-- Gospel Truth III --> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thalia''': ''[singing about Hercules' fame and success]'' And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase :'''Clio''': ''[hits Thalia on the head]'' On ev'ry ''"vah-se!"'' == Dialogue == :'''The Fates''': In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely. :'''Hades''': Ay, verse. Oy. :'''The Fates''': The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. :'''Hades''': Mmm-hmm. Good, good. :'''The Fates''': Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all! :'''Hades''': ''[excitedly]'' Yes! Hades ''rules!'' :'''The Fates''': A word of caution to this tale... :'''Hades''': ''[stops short]'' Excuse me? :'''The Fates''': Should Hercules fight, you will fail. :''[The Fates laugh, then disappear]'' :'''Hades''': ''[his head goes fiery red with rage]'' WHAT?! ''[calmly]'' Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Panic''': Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he finds out! :'''Panic''': Of course he's gonna-- If... if is good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm-- :'''Fates''': ''(all at once)'' Late! :'''Fate 1 (Lachesis)''': We knew you would be. :'''Fate 2 (Clotho)''': We know everything! :'''Fate 1''': Past. :'''Fate 2''': Present! :'''Fate 3 (Atropos)''': And future. ''[elbows Panic] [whispering]'' Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hera''': Hercules, oh...! ''[starts sobbing]'' :'''Zeus''': (roaring) NO! ''[voice echoes]'' :''(Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus)'' <hr width=50%"/> :''[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]'' :'''Nessus''': ''[looms over him]'' Step aside, two-legs. :'''Hercules''': ''[awkwardly]'' Pardon me, my good, uh... sir, but I demand you release that young... :'''Meg''': Keep moving, junior. :'''Hercules''': ...lady. But... aren't you... a damsel in distress? :'''Meg''': ''[struggling in Nessus' grip]'' I'm a ''damsel''... Ugh! I'm in ''distress.'' I can handle this. Have a nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': So, Hades! You finally made it! How's things in the underworld? :'''Hades''': [''sarcastically''] Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloomy, and there's always-- Hey! Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meg''': Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules! :''[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]'' :'''Panic''': Hercules... oh... why does that name ring a bell? :'''Pain''': I dunno... maybe we owe him money? :'''Hades''': ''What''... was that ''name''... ''again''? :'''Meg''': Hercules. :'''Hades''': ''[turns red with fury, then turns away, still red hot]'' OH!!! :'''Meg''': ''[continuing seemingly without noticing Hades]'' He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through ''that'' in a Peloponnesian minute. :'''Pain''': Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to--? :''(They both spot Hades reaching for them)'' :'''Both''': OH, MY GODS! :'''Pain''': Run for it! :'''Hades''': ''(grabs them)'' So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?! :'''Pain''': This might be a different Hercules! :'''Panic''': Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... ''[Hades chokes him]'' very popular name nowadays! :'''Pain''': "Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!" :'''Hades''': I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is waltzing around... IN THE WOODS! ''[literally explodes with rage]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- ''[notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals]'' What are those? :'''Pain''': Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. :'''Hades''': I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, ''[up in flames]'' ...and you... are wearing... HIS '''MERCHANDISE'''!?!?! :''[suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking a Hercules drink, Panic then notices that Hades is angry]'' :'''Panic''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Thirsty? :''[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phil just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor]'' :'''Phil''': She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap! :'''Hercules''': "Come on, Phil. Stop kidding around." :'''Phil''': "I'm NOT kidding around! :'''Hercules''': I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to--" :'''Phil''': Kid, you're missing the point! :'''Hercules''': "Point is: I LOVE her." :'''Phil''': "She don't love '''YOU'''!" :'''Hercules''': "You're crazy!" :'''Phil''': "She's nothing but a two-timin'--" :'''Hercules''': STOP IT! :'''Phil''': --no good, LYIN, SCHEMING-- :'''Hercules''': ''[hits Phil]'' SHUT UP!!! :''[Phil crashes into a pile of weights and chains potentially on the ground; Then he looks at him, on the verge of tears, then he gets up; Hercules is shocked of what he has done]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, I... I didn't mean... Oh, I'm- I'm sorry. :'''Phil''': Okay. Okay. That's it. Won't face the truth? Fine. :'''Hercules''': "Phil, wait. Where are you going?" :'''Phil''': "I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home. :'''Hercules''': "FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you." ''[Starts lifting a heavy weight]'' :'''Phil''': ''[stops and looks back]'' I thought you were going to be the all-time ''champ''. ''[Hercules stops lifting]'' Not the all-time ''chump''. ''[He leaves, and Hercules looks back at Phil with guilt]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]'' :'''Hades''': Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?! :'''Titans''': ZEUS!! :'''Hades''': ''[releases them]'' And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?! :'''Titans''': ''[punch through the ground]'' DESTROY HIM! :'''Hades''': Good answer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]'' :'''Hades''': Uh, guys? ''[the titans face Hades; points at Olympus]'' Olympus would be that way. :''[the titans head off to Olympus]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Zeusy, I'm home!! :'''Zeus''': Hades, you are behind THIS?! :'''Hades''': You are correct, sir! == Taglines== *A Comedy of Epic Proportions *Happy IV of July! *Zero to Hero! *Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR? *You can run but you can't Hydra! == Cast == * [[w:Tate Donovan|Tate Donovan]] - Hercules (voice) * [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] - Meg (voice) * [[James Woods]] - Hades (voice) * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] - Philoctetes (voice) * [[w:Bobcat Goldthwait|Bobcat Goldthwait]] - Pain (voice) * [[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] - Panic (voice) * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] - Zeus (voice) * [[w:Samantha Eggar|Samantha Eggar]] - Hera (voice) * [[w:Amanda Plummer|Amanda Plummer]] - Clotho (voice) * [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] - Lachesis (voice) * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] - Atropos (voice) * [[w:Paul Shaffer|Paul Shaffer]] - Hermes (voice) * [[w:Lillias White|Lillias White]] - Calliope (voice) * Vanéese Y. Thomas - Clio (voice) * Cheryl Freeman - Melpomene (voice) * [[w:LaChanze|LaChanze]] - Terpsichore (voice) * [[w:Roz Ryan|Roz Ryan]] - Thalia (voice) * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Demetrius (voice) * [[Frank Welker]] - Pegasus (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia|Hercules (1997 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0119282}} [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] i1wpyivpnfqj1ahll3xxo5ae9tv0ztp 3155648 3155634 2022-08-17T21:38:27Z Vittorio Fedele 3059339 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology. :''Directed by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] and [[w:John Musker|John Musker]]. Written by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [[w:Barry Johnson|Barry Johnson]], [[w:Don McEnery|Don McEnery]], [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Bob Shaw|Bob Shaw]].'' {{center|'''A Comedy of Olympian Proportions'''}} == Hercules == * Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay... And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing?! Man! I thought ''I'' had problems! * But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I'm an action figure! ** Spoken to Zeus * A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? == Megara == * Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.' * It's been a real slice. * ''[rushing into Thebes, crying out]'' Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident. * ''[Hercules walks to the Cyclops]'' What are you doing?! Without your strength you'll be killed! * ''[seeking a pillar falling, gasps in shock]'' Hercules, look out-- ''[runs to push him out of the way; the pillar crushes her]'' * ''[as she lies down dying]'' Hades' deal is broken. ''[groans]'' He promised I wouldn't get hurt. ''[moans]'' People always do crazy things... ''[moans again]'' when they're in love. * You're really choked up about this, aren't you? * Then read my lips! Forget it. == Hades == * How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat! Huh?! ''[No one replies.]'' So, is this an audience or a mosaic? * Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting. * He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey! They bet on the wrong horse. Okay? * Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? I own you! * ''[after Pegasus blows out his flaming hair]'' Whoa! Is my hair out?! * [''As the Titans attack away from Mount Olympus''] Uh, guys? Olympus would be ''that'' way. [''points in the opposite direction''] * Zeusy, I'm home! == Philoctetes == * I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. ''(Looking at a statue of a soldier in armour)'' And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! ''[pause]'' '''BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS!''' He barely gets nicked there once ''(flicks the statue´s heel; it shatters into tiny fragments)'' and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. * One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. * ''[As Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off]'' '''WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!''' * ''[After Hercules defeats the Hydra]'' '''YOU DID IT, KID! YOU DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!''' * No No No No No kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you? * ''[about Meg]'' She's a fraud! ==Hermes== * "Fabulous party. Y'know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself." * "Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. ''(Pain and Panic grab him)'' Ah! ''I've'' been captured! Hey, watch the glasses." ==The Narrator and the Muses== :'''Narrator''': ''[First lines]'' Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story — :'''Thalia''': Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy! :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude! :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calliope''': If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. :'''Terpsichore''': 'Cause he had an evil plan. :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the underworld, <br /> But thought the dead were dull and uncouth <br /> He was as mean as he was ruthless <br /> And that's the gospel truth <br /> He had a plan to shake things up <br /> And that's the gospel truth!<!-- Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld --> <hr width="50%"/> :<p>'''Melpomene''': ''[singing]'' Young Herc was mortal now <br /> But since he did not drink the last drop, <br /> He still retained his godlike strength, <br /> So thank his lucky star</p><p>But Zeus and Hera wept <br /> Because their son could never come home, <br /> They'd have to watch their precious baby <br /> Grow up from afar</p><p> Though, Hades' horrid plan <br /> Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth <br /> The boy grew stronger ev'ry day <br /> And that's the gospel truth</p><!-- Gospel Truth III --> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thalia''': ''[singing about Hercules' fame and success]'' And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase :'''Clio''': ''[hits Thalia on the head]'' On ev'ry ''"vah-se!"'' == Dialogue == :'''The Fates''': In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely. :'''Hades''': Ay, verse. Oy. :'''The Fates''': The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. :'''Hades''': Mmm-hmm. Good, good. :'''The Fates''': Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all! :'''Hades''': ''[excitedly]'' Yes! Hades ''rules!'' :'''The Fates''': A word of caution to this tale... :'''Hades''': ''[stops short]'' Excuse me? :'''The Fates''': Should Hercules fight, you will fail. :''[The Fates laugh, then disappear]'' :'''Hades''': ''[his head goes fiery red with rage]'' WHAT?! ''[calmly]'' Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Panic''': Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he finds out! :'''Panic''': Of course he's gonna-- If... if is good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm-- :'''Fates''': ''(all at once)'' Late! :'''Fate 1 (Lachesis)''': We knew you would be. :'''Fate 2 (Clotho)''': We know everything! :'''Fate 1''': Past. :'''Fate 2''': Present! :'''Fate 3 (Atropos)''': And future. ''[elbows Panic] [whispering]'' Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hera''': Hercules, oh...! ''[starts sobbing]'' :'''Zeus''': (roaring) '''NO!''' ''[voice echoes]'' :''(Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus)'' <hr width=50%"/> :''[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]'' :'''Nessus''': ''[looms over him]'' Step aside, two-legs. :'''Hercules''': ''[awkwardly]'' Pardon me, my good, uh... sir, but I demand you release that young... :'''Meg''': Keep moving, junior. :'''Hercules''': ...lady. But... aren't you... a damsel in distress? :'''Meg''': ''[struggling in Nessus' grip]'' I'm a ''damsel''... Ugh! I'm in ''distress.'' I can handle this. Have a nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': So, Hades! You finally made it! How's things in the underworld? :'''Hades''': [''sarcastically''] Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloomy, and there's always-- Hey! Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meg''': Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules! :''[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]'' :'''Panic''': Hercules... oh... why does that name ring a bell? :'''Pain''': I dunno... maybe we owe him money? :'''Hades''': ''What''... was that ''name''... ''again''? :'''Meg''': Hercules. :'''Hades''': ''[turns red with fury, then turns away, still red hot]'' OH!!! :'''Meg''': ''[continuing seemingly without noticing Hades]'' He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through ''that'' in a Peloponnesian minute. :'''Pain''': Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to--? :''(They both spot Hades reaching for them)'' :'''Both''': OH, MY GODS! :'''Pain''': Run for it! :'''Hades''': ''(grabs them)'' So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?! :'''Pain''': This might be a different Hercules! :'''Panic''': Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... ''[Hades chokes him]'' very popular name nowadays! :'''Pain''': "Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!" :'''Hades''': I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is waltzing around... IN THE WOODS! ''[literally explodes with rage]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- ''[notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals]'' What are those? :'''Pain''': Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. :'''Hades''': I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, ''[up in flames]'' ...and you... are wearing... HIS '''MERCHANDISE'''!?!?! :''[suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking a Hercules drink, Panic then notices that Hades is angry]'' :'''Panic''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Thirsty? :''[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phil just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor]'' :'''Phil''': '''SHE'S A FRAUD!''' '''She's been playing you for a sap!''' :'''Hercules''': ''[incredulous]'' Oh, come on, stop kidding around. :'''Phil''': "I'm NOT kidding around! :'''Hercules''': I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to-- :'''Phil''': Kid, you're missing the point! :'''Hercules''': Point is: I LOVE her. :'''Phil''': She don't love ''you''! :'''Hercules''': You're crazy! :'''Phil''': She's nothing but a two-timin'-- :'''Hercules''': ''[gets angry]'' STOP IT! :'''Phil''': --no good, LYIN, SCHEMING-- :'''Hercules''': ''[in his anger, he suddendly turns around and slaps Phil]'' '''SHUT UP!!!''' :''[Due to the strength of the slap, Phil is knocked away and crashes into a pile of weights and chains; Hercules is horrified of what he has done, and Phil looks at him, just as shocked]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, I... I didn't mean... Oh, I'm- I'm sorry. :'''Phil''': Okay. Okay. That's it. Won't face the truth? Fine. :'''Hercules''': "Phil, wait. Where are you going?" :'''Phil''': "I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home. :'''Hercules''': "FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you." ''[Starts lifting a heavy weight]'' :'''Phil''': ''[stops and looks back]'' I thought you were going to be the all-time ''champ''. ''[Hercules stops lifting]'' Not the all-time ''chump''. ''[Phil leaves, and Hercules looks back at him with a look of guilt]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]'' :'''Hades''': Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?! :'''Titans''': ZEUS!! :'''Hades''': ''[releases them]'' And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?! :'''Titans''': ''[punch through the ground]'' DESTROY HIM! :'''Hades''': Good answer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]'' :'''Hades''': Uh, guys? ''[the titans face Hades; points at Olympus]'' Olympus would be that way. :''[the titans head off to Olympus]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Zeusy, I'm home!! :'''Zeus''': Hades, you are behind THIS?! :'''Hades''': You are correct, sir! == Taglines== *A Comedy of Epic Proportions *Happy IV of July! *Zero to Hero! *Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR? *You can run but you can't Hydra! == Cast == * [[w:Tate Donovan|Tate Donovan]] - Hercules (voice) * [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] - Meg (voice) * [[James Woods]] - Hades (voice) * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] - Philoctetes (voice) * [[w:Bobcat Goldthwait|Bobcat Goldthwait]] - Pain (voice) * [[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] - Panic (voice) * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] - Zeus (voice) * [[w:Samantha Eggar|Samantha Eggar]] - Hera (voice) * [[w:Amanda Plummer|Amanda Plummer]] - Clotho (voice) * [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] - Lachesis (voice) * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] - Atropos (voice) * [[w:Paul Shaffer|Paul Shaffer]] - Hermes (voice) * [[w:Lillias White|Lillias White]] - Calliope (voice) * Vanéese Y. Thomas - Clio (voice) * Cheryl Freeman - Melpomene (voice) * [[w:LaChanze|LaChanze]] - Terpsichore (voice) * [[w:Roz Ryan|Roz Ryan]] - Thalia (voice) * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Demetrius (voice) * [[Frank Welker]] - Pegasus (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia|Hercules (1997 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0119282}} [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] rnaf6sxsfie79ac5euanzjqmgh7xula 0 13935 3155762 3059783 2022-08-18T04:25:04Z 1.152.109.134 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Edwardteller.jpg|thumb|right|There's no [[system]] foolproof enough to defeat a sufficiently great [[fool]].]] '''[[w:Edward_Teller|Edward Teller]]''' (original Hungarian name '''Teller Ede''') ([[15 January]] [[1908]] – [[9 September]] [[2003]]) was an American nuclear physicist, known as "the father of the [[w: Thermonuclear weapon|hydrogen bomb]]." == Quotes == [[File:Edward Teller (boy).jpg|thumb|right|The [[eyes]] of [[childhood]] are magnifying lenses.]] [[File:EdwardTeller1958.jpg|thumb|right|Total security has never been available to anyone. To [[expect]] it is unrealistic; to [[imagine]] that it can exist is to invite [[disaster]].]] [[File:Edward Teller on television.jpg|thumb|right|We must learn to [[live]] with contradictions, because they lead to deeper and more effective [[understanding]].]] [[File:Edward Teller (1958)-LLNL.jpg|thumb|right|My [[name]] is not [[Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb|Strangelove]]. I don't know about Strangelove. I'm not interested in Strangelove.]] [[File:Edward Teller (later years).jpg|thumb|right|I'm the ''infamous'' Edward Teller.]] [[File:Nagasakibomb.jpg|thumb|right|It is not even impossible to imagine that the effects of an atomic war fought with greatly perfected weapons and pushed by the utmost determination will endanger [[w:Human extinction|the survival of man]].]] [[File:Teller-Ulam device firing sequence.png|thumb|right|Among the [[people]] who knew a great deal about the [[w:Thermonuclear weapon|hydrogen bomb]], I was the only advocate of it. And that is, I think, my contribution]] [[File:Ivy Mike fireball.jpg |thumb|right|I believe in [[evil]]. It is the property of all those who are certain of [[truth]].]] [[File:Edward Teller and Ronald Reagan.jpg|thumb|right|All of us can be excellent, because, fortunately, we are exceedingly diverse in our [[ambitions]] and [[talents]].]] * '''It is not even impossible to imagine that the effects of an atomic war fought with greatly perfected weapons and pushed by the utmost determination will endanger [[w:Human extinction|the survival of man]].''' ** ''How Dangerous Are Atomic Weapons?'', 1947 * '''If we stay [[strong]], then I believe we can stabilize the [[world]] and have [[peace]] based on [[force]].''' Now, peace based on force is not as [[good]] as peace based on agreement, but in the terrible [[world]] in which we live, in the world where the Russians have enslaved many millions of human beings, in the world where they have killed men, I think that for the time being the only peace we can have is the peace based on force. Furthermore, '''I do not think that this peace based on force is, can be, or should be, an ultimate [[end]].''' Our ultimate end must be precisely what Dr. Pauling says, peace based on agreement, on understanding, on universally agreed and enforced law. I think this is a wonderful idea, but peace based on force buys the necessary time, and in this time we can work for better understanding, for closer collaboration, first with the countries which are closest to us, which we understand better, our allies, the western countries, the [[w:NATO|NATO]] countries, which believe in [[human]] [[liberties]] as we do. Then, as soon as possible, with the rest of the free world, and eventually, I hope, with the whole world, including Russia, even though it may take many years to come. ** Debating [[Linus Pauling]], in [http://osulibrary.oregonstate.edu/specialcollections/coll/pauling/peace/papers/1958p2.1.html ''The Nuclear Bomb Tests...Is Fallout Overrated? : Fallout and Disarmament'' KQED-TV, San Francisco (20 February 1958)] * I don't want to kill anybody. I am passionately opposed to killing, but I'm even more passionately fond of [[freedom]]. The freedom of Dr. Pauling and of myself expressing our [[opinions]] freely on any subject, however broad, however far removed of our proper competence, but particularly, to be able to express our opinions in the fields we really know; this would not be possible in Russia. ** Debating [[Linus Pauling]], in [http://osulibrary.oregonstate.edu/specialcollections/coll/pauling/peace/papers/1958p2.1.html ''The Nuclear Bomb Tests...Is Fallout Overrated? : Fallout and Disarmament'' KQED-TV, San Francisco (20 February 1958)] * Ladies and gentlemen, I am to talk to you about energy in the future. I will start by telling you why I believe that the energy resources of the past must be supplemented. First of all, these energy resources will run short as we use more and more of the fossil fuels. But I would [...] like to mention another reason why we probably have to look for additional fuel supplies. And this, strangely, is the question of contaminating the atmosphere. [....] Whenever you burn conventional fuel, you create carbon dioxide. [....] The carbon dioxide is invisible, it is transparent, you can’t smell it, it is not dangerous to health, so why should one worry about it?<br>Carbon dioxide has a strange property. It transmits visible light but it absorbs the infrared radiation which is emitted from the earth. Its presence in the atmosphere causes a '''greenhouse effect [....] It has been calculated that a temperature rise corresponding to a 10 per cent increase in carbon dioxide will be sufficient to melt the icecap and submerge New York.''' All the coastal cities would be covered, and since a considerable percentage of the human race lives in coastal regions, I think that this chemical contamination is more serious than most people tend to believe. ** As quoted in Benjamin Franta, [https://www.theguardian.com/environment/climate-consensus-97-per-cent/2018/jan/01/on-its-hundredth-birthday-in-1959-edward-teller-warned-the-oil-industry-about-global-warming "On its 100th birthday in 1959, Edward Teller warned the oil industry about global warming"], ''{{W|The Guardian}}'', 1 January 2018. * At present the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has risen by 2 per cent over normal. By 1970, it will be perhaps 4 per cent, by 1980, 8 per cent, by 1990, 16 per cent [about 360 parts per million, by Teller’s accounting], if we keep on with our exponential rise in the use of purely conventional fuels. By that time, there will be a serious additional impediment for the radiation leaving the earth. Our planet will get a little warmer. It is hard to say whether it will be 2 degrees Fahrenheit or only one or 5.<br>'''But when the temperature does rise by a few degrees over the whole globe, there is a possibility that the icecaps will start melting and the level of the oceans will begin to rise.''' Well, I don’t know whether they will cover the Empire State Building or not, but anyone can calculate it by looking at the map and noting that the icecaps over Greenland and over Antarctica are perhaps five thousand feet thick. ** As quoted in Benjamin Franta, [https://www.theguardian.com/environment/climate-consensus-97-per-cent/2018/jan/01/on-its-hundredth-birthday-in-1959-edward-teller-warned-the-oil-industry-about-global-warming "On its 100th birthday in 1959, Edward Teller warned the oil industry about global warming"], ''{{W|The Guardian}}'', 1 January 2018. * On May 7, a few weeks after the accident at Three-Mile Island, I was in Washington. I was there to refute some of that propaganda that [[Ralph Nader]], [[Jane Fonda]] and their kind are spewing to the news media in their attempt to frighten people away from nuclear power. I am 71 years old, and I was working 20 hours a day. The strain was too much. The next day, I suffered a heart attack. You might say that I was the only one whose health was affected by that reactor near Harrisburg. No, that would be wrong. It was not the reactor. It was Jane Fonda. Reactors are not dangerous. ** 2 page advertisement sponsored by Dresser Industries in the ''Wall Street Journal'' (31 July 1979) * '''By having simplified what is known, physicists have been led into realms which as yet are anything but simple.''' That at some time, they, too, will appear as simple consequences of a theory of which no one has yet dreamed is not a statement of [[fact]]. <br> It is a statement of [[faith]]. ** ''The Pursuit of Simplicity'' (1981), p. 72 * '''The preservation of [[peace]] and the improvement of the lot of all [[people]] require us to have faith in the [[Reason|rationality]] of [[humans]].''' If we have this faith and if we pursue understanding, we have not the promise but at least the possibility of success. We should not be misled by promises. [[Humanity]] in all its history has repeatedly escaped disaster by a hair's breadth. '''Total security has never been available to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic; to imagine that it can exist is to invite disaster.''' What we do have in our technological capacities is an opportunity to use our inventiveness, our creativity, our wisdom and our understanding of our fellow beings to create a future world that is a little better than the one in which we live today. ** ''The Pursuit of Simplicity'' (1981), p. 151 ** Variant: Total security has never been available to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic; to imagine that it can exist is to invite disaster. I believe the most important aim for humanity at present is to avoid [[war]], dictatorship, and their awful consequences. ** ''Better a Shield Than A Sword : Perspectives On Defense And Technology'' (1987), p. 241 * '''There's no system foolproof enough to defeat a sufficiently great [[fool]].''' ** As quoted in "Nuclear Reactions", by Joel Davis in ''Omni'' (May 1988) * A [[fact]] is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective. ** ''Conversations on the Dark Secrets of Physics'' (1991) by Edward Teller, Wendy Teller and Wilson Talley, Ch. 5, p. 69 footnote * '''Two [[paradoxes]] are better than one; they may even suggest a solution.''' ** ''Conversations on the Dark Secrets of Physics'' (1991) by Edward Teller, Wendy Teller and Wilson Talley, Ch. 9, p. 135 footnote * [[Physics]] is, hopefully, simple. Physicists are not. ** ''Conversations on the Dark Secrets of Physics'' (1991) by Edward Teller, Wendy Teller and Wilson Talley, Ch. 10, p. 150 footnote * No, I'm the ''infamous'' Edward Teller. ** Response to a nurse, questioning him after a stroke in 1996: "Are you the famous Edward Teller?" — as quoted in ''Edward Teller and the Development of the Hydrogen Bomb'' (2001) by John Bankston, p. 9 * '''We must learn to live with contradictions, because they lead to deeper and more effective understanding.''' ** "Science and Morality" in ''Science'' (1998), Vol. 280, p. 1200 * Religion was not an issue in my family; indeed, it was never discussed. My only religious training came because the Minta required that all students take classes in their respective religions. My family celebrated one holiday, the Day of Atonement, when we all fasted. Yet my father said prayers for his parents on Saturdays and on all the Jewish holidays. '''The idea of God that I absorbed was that it would be wonderful if He existed: We needed Him desperately but had not seen Him in many thousands of years.''' ** ''Memoirs: A Twentieth Century Journey In Science And Politics.'', (2002) by Edward Teller, Basic Books, p. 32. * I contributed; [[w:Stanislaw Ulam|Ulam]] did not. I'm sorry I had to answer it in this abrupt way. Ulam was rightly dissatisfied with an old approach. He came to me with a part of an idea which I already had worked out and difficulty getting people to listen to. He was willing to sign a paper. When it then came to defending that paper and really putting work into it, he refused. He said, "I don't believe in it." ** On the creation of the [[w:Thermonuclear weapon|hydrogen bomb]], in "Infamy and honor at the Atomic Café : Edward Teller has no regrets about his contentious career" by [[w:Gary Stix|Gary Stix]] in ''Scientific American'' (October 1999), p. 42-43. * '''My name is not [[Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb|Strangelove]].''' I don't know about Strangelove. I'm not interested in Strangelove. What else can I say?... Look. Say it three times more, and I throw you out of this office. ** Quoted in "Infamy and honor at the Atomic Café : Edward Teller has no regrets about his contentious career" by Gary Stix in ''Scientific American'' (October 1999), p. 42-43 * The [[eyes]] of [[childhood]] are magnifying lenses. ** ''Memoirs : A Twentieth Century Journey in Science and Politics'' (2001), co-written with Judith Shoolery, p. 5 * '''When you fight for a desperate cause and have good reasons to fight, you usually win.''' ** As quoted by Robert C. Martin in ''Software Development'' magazine (September 2005), p. 60 * At the end of the war, most people wanted to stop. I didn't. Because here was more knowledge. And in the coming uncertain period, with a dangerous man like [[Stalin]] around, and our incomplete knowledge, I felt that more knowledge is necessary. '''Among the people who knew a great deal about the hydrogen bomb, I was the only advocate of it. And that is, I think, my contribution.''' Not that I invented it, others would have — and others in the Soviet Union did. But I was the one person who put knowledge, and the availability of knowledge, above everything else. ** On the creation of the hydrogen bomb, in ''[[w:Trinity and Beyond|Trinity and Beyond: The Atomic Bomb Movie]]'' * '''There is no case where ignorance should be preferred to knowledge — ''especially'' if the knowledge is terrible.''' ** As quoted in ''Forbidden Knowledge : From Prometheus to Pornography'' (1996) by Roger Shattuck, p. 177 * Secrecy in [[science]] does not work. Withholding [[information]] does more damage to us than to our competitors. ** As quoted in ''Proceedings of the International Conference on Lasers '87'' (1988) edited by [[F. J. Duarte]], p. 1165 * '''When you come to the [[end]] of all the [[light]] you know, and it's time to step into the [[darkness]] of the unknown, [[faith]] is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.''' ** As quoted in ''Seven Steps to Starting and Running an Editorial Consulting Business'' (2002) by Jane M. Frutchey, p. 121 This is misattributed. This is not a quote from Teller. It is a poem by Patrick Overton. * If we could have ended the war by showing the power of science without killing a single person, all of us would now be happier, more reasonable and much more safe. ** As quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/10/obituaries/edward-teller-is-dead-at-95-fierce-architect-of-hbomb.html "Edward Teller Is Dead at 95; Fierce Architect of H-Bomb"], ''New York Times'' (Sept. 10, 2003) by Walter Sullivan. * '''I hate [[doubt]], yet I am certain that doubt is the only way to approach anything worth believing in.''' ** As quoted in ''The Martians of Science : Five Physicists Who Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2006) by István Hargittai, p. 251 * '''I believe in [[Goodness|good]].''' It is an ephemeral and elusive quality. It is the center of my beliefs, but it cannot be strengthened by talking about it. ** As quoted in ''The Martians of Science : Five Physicists Who Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2006) by István Hargittai, p. 251 * '''I believe in [[evil]]. It is the property of all those who are [[Certainty|certain]] of [[truth]].''' [[Despair]] and [[fanaticism]] are only differing manifestations of evil.''' ** As quoted in ''The Martians of Science : Five Physicists Who Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2006) by István Hargittai, p. 251 * I believe in excellence. It is a basic need of every human soul. '''All of us can be excellent, because, fortunately, we are exceedingly diverse in our ambitions and talents. ''' ** As quoted in ''The Martians of Science : Five Physicists Who Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2006) by István Hargittai, p. 251 * I believe that no endeavor that is worthwhile is simple in prospect; if it is right, it will be simple in retrospect. ** As quoted in ''The Martians of Science : Five Physicists Who Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2006) by István Hargittai, p. 251 * "''A'' stands for atom; it is so small <br> No one has ever seen it at all. <br> ''B'' stands for bombs; the bombs are much bigger. <br> So, brother, do not be too fast on the trigger. <br> ''F'' stands for fission; that is what things do <br> When they get wobbly and big and must split in two. <br> And just to confound the atomic confusion <br> What fission has done may be undone by fusion. <br> ''H'' has become a most ominous letter; <br> It means something bigger, if not something better. <br> ''S'' stands for secret; you can keep it forever — <br> Provided there's no one abroad who is clever." ** "Atom Alphabet", ''Alamogordo Daily News'', from Alamogordo, New Mexico; [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/84868785/ pg5 of 14 November 1957]</poem> <br> == Quotes about Teller== [[File:Ivy Mike - mushroom cloud.jpg|thumb|right|I do really feel it would have been a better world without Teller. ~ [[w:Isidor Isaac Rabi|Isidor Isaac Rabi]] ]] * Business institutions universities <br> Both are quite the circus where the killer wants his way <br> I think of Edward Teller and his moribund reprise <br> Then I look to Nevada and I can't believe my eyes <br> It's time for him to die! ** [[w:Bad Religion|Bad Religion]], in ''The Biggest Killer in American History'' * '''Dr. Teller has a mind very different from mine. I think one needs both kinds of minds to make a successful project.''' I think Dr. Teller's mind runs particularly to making brilliant inventions, but what he needs is some control, some other person who is more able to find out just what is the scientific fact about the matter. Some other person who weeds out the bad from the good ideas. **[[Hans Bethe]], as quoted in ''In the Matter of J. Robert Oppenheimer'' (1954 security hearings), p. 331 * Teller's mistake was his failure to foresee that a large section of the public would not consider his appearance at the Oppenheimer hearing to be decent behavior. Had Teller not appeared, the outcome of the hearing would almost certainly have been unaffected, and the moral force of Teller's position would not have been tainted. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Disturbing the Universe'' (1979), p. 88 * Before Bethe married, he was so often a guest in the Teller home that he became almost one of the family. In April, 1954, that was all over. There could be no real reconciliation. Bethe had lost one of his oldest friends. But Teller had lost more. Teller, by lending his voice to the cause of Oppenheimer's enemies, had lost not only the friendship but the respect of many of his colleagues, and he was portrayed by newspaper writers and cartoonists as a Judas, a man who had betrayed his leader for the sake of personal gain. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Disturbing the Universe'' (1979), p. 90 * When we came back through the trees to the house, we heared a strange sound coming through the open door. The children stopped their chatter and we all stood outside the door and listened. It was my old friend from long ago, Bach's Prelude No. 8 in E-flat minor. Superbly played. Played just the way my father used to play it. For a moment I was completely disoriented. I thought: What the devil is my father doing here in California? We stood in front of our Berkeley house and listened to that prelude. Whoever was playing it was putting into it his whole heart and soul. The sound floated up to us like a chorus of mourning from the depths, as if the spirits in the underworld were dancing to a slow pavane. We waited until the music came to an end and then walked in. There, sitting at the piano, was Edward Teller. We asked him to go on playing, but he excused himself. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''Disturbing the Universe'' (1979), p. 92 * '''He is a danger to all that is important.''' I do really feel it would have been a better world without Teller. ** [[w:Isidor Isaac Rabi|Isidor Isaac Rabi]], in a statement of 1968, as quoted in ''The Myths of August : A Personal Exploration of Our Tragic Cold War Affair With the Atom'' (1998) by Stewart L. Udall, p. 283 * After he suffered a stroke three years ago, a nurse quizzed him to probe his lucidity. "Are you the famous Edward Teller?" she queried. "No," he snapped.''' "I'm the ''infamous'' Edward Teller." ''' ** [[w:Gary Stix|Gary Stix]] in "Infamy and honor at the Atomic Café : Edward Teller has no regrets about his contentious career," ''Scientific American'' (October 1999), p 42 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons|Edward Teller}} *[http://www.llnl.gov/pao/news/teller_edward/teller_edward/teller_index.html Edward Teller page at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory] *[http://www.llnl.gov/llnl/history/teller.html LLNL Interview with Edward Teller] *[http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/filmmore/reference/interview/rhodes12.html "Edward Teller's Role in the Oppenheimer Hearings" an interview with Richard Rhodes] *[http://www.thememoryhole.org/fbi/teller_edward.htm Edward Teller's FBI file] *[http://osulibrary.oregonstate.edu/specialcollections/coll/pauling/peace/video/1958v.3.html Video excerpts from a televised debate between Edward Teller and Linus Pauling, ''Fallout and Disarmament'' (20 February 1958)] {{DEFAULTSORT:Teller, Edward}} [[Category:Hungarian physicists]] [[Category:Physicists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews]] [[Category:2003 deaths]] [[Category:Agnostics]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:National Medal of Science laureates]] 4yffph2k6z74kmgzxp38n12jcpahz0s 0 17866 3155780 2872578 2022-08-18T07:56:55Z 98.146.179.146 /* Halloween 2: Mind Over Body */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-13}} '''''[[w:Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place|Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place]]''''' (1998-2001), later [[w:Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys and a Girl]], was a sitcom based around [[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon Carter]], [[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Peter Dunville]] (Pete) and [[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Michael Bergen]] (Berg) and their lives after college. Season 2 onwards also featured the characters [[w:Johnny Donnelly (Two Guys and a Girl)|Johnny Donnelly]], [[w:Ashley Walker (Two Guys and a Girl)|Ashley Walker]] and [[w:Irene (Two Guys and a Girl)|Irene]], who arrived as love interests for the three main characters and gradually became part of the main ensemble. == Season 1 == === Pilot === : '''[[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Berg]]''': Why can't you just let me be happy? : '''[[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Pete]]''': Because it's not fair to the rest of us! <hr width="50%" /> : '''[[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon]]''': What's up with him? : '''Berg''': He's breaking up with Melissa. : '''Sharon''': Good. : '''Pete''': What? I thought you liked her. : '''Sharon''': I lied! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together! : '''Pete''': And?! : '''Berg''': And she never wants to see you again! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today. : '''Pete''': Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be '''Philosophy''' majors. : '''Berg''': It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book! : '''Berg''': That's the wonder of me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh? : '''Pete''': I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today. : '''Berg''': Oh, boy! We have to be at work at '''three'''? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong. : '''Berg''': Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Alright, you can't tell anyone. : '''Berg''': As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry. : '''Berg''': You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this ''feisty'' young girl from Wisconsin! : '''Bill''': Don't talk into the food. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't do this with you guys ''leering.'' : '''Berg''': I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work. : '''Berg''': This is harmless. : '''Bill''': Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, ''huh, I'm a goner!'' Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do? : '''Pete''': You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!) : '''Mr. Bauer''': I shot the '''tank'''! And the shark '''blew up'''! : '''Melissa''': You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer. : '''Pete''': Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer. : '''Mr. Bauer''': (laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': Hey, Berg, what have you done to him? : '''Berg''': Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he '''shouldn't''' break up with you! : '''Pete''': '''No!''' : '''Melissa''': I don't believe you! : '''Pete''': No, I '''wasn't'''! He's '''evil'''! : '''Melissa''': He may be evil, but at least he's honest! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': In ten years from now, when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your ''hair transplants'', remember: you had a good thing here, and you blew it. ''Women's softball team whoops and cheers.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I don't believe it, she broke up with me! I just got dumped. : '''Bill''': Hee hee, boy did you ever! And in front of everybody, too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love. : '''Sharon''': You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart! : '''Bill''': Absolutely right. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, I'm motivated! : '''Bill''': Yes, you are. : '''Sharon''': I'm a people person! : '''Bill''': I got to go back and count my pepperonis. : '''Sharon''': I am! Aren't I, Berg? : '''Berg''': Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you. : '''Sharon''': Hey! : '''Berg''': No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Jeez, you two fight like a couple of broads! ''Kick his ass'', Pete! : '''Pete''': I can't, he's wearing my shirt. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': You know, I was in love once. We shared a flat in France. Then the war came, all hell broke loose. Somehow I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub and she walked back into my life. But by then she was married. Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane! : '''Berg''': It's okay, Mr. Bauer. You'll always have Paris. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 7.48: having used eight '''hundred times''' the normal daily recommended dose, now experiencing a side effect of feeling extremely honest and, uh, forthright. ''I've never been more afraid in my life.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I did a bad thing. : '''Pete''': Who, Berg? Who did you do a bad thing to? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Customer''': Hey, can I see a menu? : '''Sharon''': It's a '''pizza place!''' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': There's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis, out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk! Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete! Enjoy it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': That's why you have me. : '''Pete''': Are you gonna have my children? : '''Berg''': There '''is''' an experiment at M.I.T. next week. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg, what do you think's gonna happen to Sharon? : '''Berg''': I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids-- : '''Sharon''': (banging on window) Get your butts back in here! : '''Berg''': (fondly) --take over Cuba! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation === : '''Berg''': Med-School is all about love and toys. : '''Pete''': As long as you're in it for the right reasons. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': What are you doing? I thought you were studying. : '''Berg''': I am. : '''Pete''': You're watching General Hospital! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete. : '''Sharon''': Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder! : '''Berg''': Don't be mad at Pete! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, I gotta tell you-- : '''Pete''': No, don't tell me now, I'm busy. : '''Berg''': Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it I'll be all grown up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Most architects, when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints. ''I'' am going to have a 12,000 square-foot resume. : '''Berg''': Man! You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a manila envelope. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Socrates, meet Guy With Removable Brain! Removable Brain, meet Pete! : '''Pete''': Nice haircut! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': You know, Ellen and I always dreamed of having a son who becomes a doctor. : '''Pete''': Bill. What about an architect? : '''Bill''': Hey, I've already got a building. I need free medical! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You have an ethical duty to tell the truth. : '''Pete''': Sharon, you work for a ''chemical company'' - you have no ethics! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Wait, you're not actually going to listen to him?! : '''Sharon''': Well... : '''Pete''': Wait, this is Berg! The same guy who wanted to put a Bat-Pole between our apartments! : '''Sharon''': Yeah... But now he's a doctor! : '''Pete''': He's '''not''' a doctor! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Am I the only one who knows what's going on here? : '''Mr. Bauer''': You are not alone, my friend! I was once the favorite, everyone looked up to me, and then along came the new kid on the block - Buzz Lightyear! Showing off all his fancy gadgets to all my friends; I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete? ''Mr. Bauer slumps over. Berg walks past and pulls an imaginary pull-string on his back, and he straightens up again.'' : '''Mr. Bauer''': And then! : '''Pete''': Oh, God! : '''Mr. Bauer''': What do you know, I get thrown in the toy-box along with Potato Head and Slinky Dog. Huh! ''To Infinity and Beyond'' my ass! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 5.46: My roommate has just ingested four ''hundred times'' the daily dosage in just under twenty seconds. This will most likely be fatal. (Turns voice recorder off, then on again.) For me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Listen, I might have poisoned my friend, and I need to know the side-effects. Yeah, it's a medical emergency. Hold- no, don't put me on hold! Don't put me on-- (singing) #and away! In my beautiful, beautiful... ''balloon''!# <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and... I'm sorry? He may become ''delusional''? Well, what the hell kind of side-effect is ''delusional''!? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrhea? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay, um, you're welcome. I mean, thanks. I mean, thanks for welcoming me. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': You're welcome. : '''Pete''': Thanks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern mininilism-- More modern mimilist-- Sorry! Um, a more minilist-- Well, just new and simple! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay. (throwing his cards in the air and gesturing wildly) I see-- I see ''huge'', crazy shapes! Right, and-and-and a giant-- a giant Jack-in-the-Box! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': A Jack-in-the-Box?! : '''Pete''': Yeah! Yeah, a giant Jack-in-the-Box, th-th-that'll pop up and great the visitors, it-it's coned head swaying two storeys high! And, oh! And it'll say something like, like, "Ha-ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Mr. Dunville has accidentally ingested a medication which is causing the delusional behaviour you're witnessing. : '''Pete''': I don't even know this guy, but look at the excitement that the Jack-in-the-Box is causing! It's ''infectious''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You drank my alergesic medication. You're sweating, you're stammering, you're ''delusional''! : '''Pete''': You don't know what I'm talking about, Berg, I'm just a little nervous. : '''Berg''': Oh yeah? Then what kind of museum has a huge... '''Jack-in-the-Box'''? And ''stupid'' voices going, "Ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" : '''Pete''': A '''Children's''' Museum? : '''Berg''': ...what? : '''Pete''': This is for a ''Children's'' Museum, Berg. : '''Berg''': Ohh! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, ''I'm'' the one who's delusional! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!) <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Yes, we're ''all'' aware of that. : '''Sharon''': (grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale? : '''Sharon''': Listen, pal, I've had a ''really'' bad day! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Join the club! : '''Sharon''': Hey, you want a piece of me, huh? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress. : '''Sharon''': Berg! : '''Berg''': Klingons! (To Pete) Bones! : '''Pete''': Idiot! : '''Sharon''': Berg, get out here, right now! : '''Berg''': Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I screwed up big time. : '''Pete''': Finally! An accurate diagnosis. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You're scared because you might finally care about something. : '''Berg''': Then why do I screw up? : '''Pete''': Because you're ''Berg''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': "Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job. : '''Pete''': I got the job? How can that be? : '''Berg''': It's right here: ''Loved your designs. Hate your friends.'' : '''Pete''': How come you didn't tell me they called last night? : '''Berg''': Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy === : '''Pete''': (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack". <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Guys' night out. : '''Sharon''': I'm a guy! : '''Berg''': You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!" : '''Bill''': Exercising the First Amendment. : '''Berg''': When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie." : '''Bill''': What does Sharon do? : '''Pete''': Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg, no more medical experiments. : '''Berg''': Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch. : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is? : '''Berg''': (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps. : '''Pete''': Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, '''soda'''? Come on! : '''Pete''': Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg? Berg, do you notice something different about our Sharon? : '''Berg''': No, nothing. Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I gotta get to work. : '''Berg''': Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse? : '''Pete''': Or House of Scarves. : '''Berg''': Scarf Depot! : '''Pete''': Jiffy Scarves! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg's Sneakers''': Nothing can stop you! You're a winner! : '''Berg''': 8:40! Firm arch support '''and''' emotional support. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': I never thought I'd say this, but-- Mr. Bauer makes sense. (Berg looks confused.) Not that we're '''pods'''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We're gonna have to be-- : '''Pete''': No, no-no-no, don't say it! : '''Berg''': --mature. : '''Pete''': Oh, there, you said it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I got stamps. ''Legends of the Rodeo'': a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era. : '''Pete''': What's wrong with you? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Thanks a lot! I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go turn him into a husband! : '''Berg''': We were being mature! : '''Sharon''': Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game === : '''Melissa''': Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead. : '''Sharon''': Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': We're playing the Bulls! : '''Berg''': The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team. <hr width="50%" /> (Sharon just found out about the stolen banner) : '''Berg''': She knows. : '''Pete''': She does? : '''Berg''': Act dumb. : '''Pete''': "We ''are'' dumb. (They go over to Sharon) : '''Sharon''': Are you guys nuts? : '''Berg''': I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels. : '''Pete''': What seems to be the problem, ma'am? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment === : '''Berg''': So what am I supposed to do? : '''Sharon''': Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg. : '''Berg''': No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her? : '''Pete''': You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I'm leaning towards Max Larson. : '''Berg''': No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows. : '''Sharon''': So? He likes his privacy. : '''Berg''': Yes, because he's a serial killer! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team === : '''Pete''': Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place. : '''Bill''': Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses. : '''Pete''': But they made the headlines. : '''Bill''': For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': All right girls, let's hit the cages. : '''Bunny''': Oh, I don't feel like dancing. : '''Sharon''': The batting cages. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You expect me to play with a team of chicks? : '''Madeleine''': Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College. : '''Leanne''': I play for Florida State. : '''Bunny''': And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop. : '''Sharon''': Even pitcher? : '''Berg''': Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery === : '''Pete''': Who are you to tell me what I need? : '''Berg''': I'm your doctor. : '''Pete''': You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Where do I meet this rebound girl? : '''Berg''': I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you? <hr width"50%"/> : '''Berg''': ''(to Pete)'' Where you going? : '''Pete''': To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar? : '''Berg''': Don't make me get my anatomy book. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Party === : '''Bill''': I thought your birthday was in May. : '''Pete''': Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I think I really like her. : '''Pete''': Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet? : '''Berg''': And what is up with that?!? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bethany''': I wouldn't miss it for anything. : '''Berg''': Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold? : '''Bethany''': I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant. : '''Berg''': I love a girl with a plan. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30? : '''Berg''': You get better presents. : '''Pete''': I don't want to be 30. : '''Berg''': Act your age. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter === : '''Pete''': You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg. : '''Berg''': Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side! : '''Pete''': I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Why aren't you at work. : '''Sharon''': It's toxic Awareness day? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't just jump into spontanaeity === Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery === : '''Pete''': I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal. : '''Berg''': I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women. : '''Sharon''': Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'. : '''Berg''': They have an excellent wine list. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use? : '''Isabella''': My naked body. : '''Berg''': Really? Because we need our apartment painted. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics. : '''Pete''': Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session. : '''Berg''': That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage. : '''Berg''': I never...want to forget you said that. === Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met === : '''Pete''': This girl is a nightmare. : '''Berg''': She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her. : '''Pete''': Me too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled. : '''Berg''': Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': After you have a drink with us. : '''Sharon''': I can't drink. : '''Berg''': Then why are you in college? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon? : '''Berg''': She's Sharon. : '''Bill''': What's that got to do with anything? : '''Berg''': Pete, explain it. : '''Pete''': She's Sharon. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major. : '''Pete''': Russian Economics. : '''Berg''': Phew, glad that's over with. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord === == Season 2 == === Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better === : '''Berg''': See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together. <hr width="50%" /> (Holding up a dress.) : '''Sharon''': What about this one? : '''Pete''': Hooker. : '''Sharon''': High class or street? : '''Pete''': Jerry Springer. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': See something you like? : '''Ashley''': Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': All they do is study, they're pathetic. : '''Pete''': Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face. : '''Berg''': Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet. : '''Sharon''': True, but we're number one at it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more. : '''Berg''': Or, find out who is number one and take them down. : '''Pete''': Yes, you're maturing nicely <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number. : '''Girl''': No you can't. : '''Berg''': Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan! : '''Berg''': You're enjoying this, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Does it show? <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation=== : '''Pete''': You da Bomb! : '''Sharon''': Where did he learn that?! : '''Berg''': I just, don't know! <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo === : '''Pete''': Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life. : '''Berg''': He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What is wrong with you? : '''Sharon''': I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley, what are you doing here? : '''Ashley''': Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them. : '''Pete''': You didn’t make the window again, huh? : '''Sharon''': No, third row. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': What happened to your hand? : '''Berg''': I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime. : '''Sharon''': That’s the best you could come up with? : '''Berg''': It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party. : '''Pete''': Don’t tell me you slept with her. : '''Berg''': Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Nicole''': Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed. : '''Berg''': Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it? : '''Nicole''': No. : '''Berg''': ‘Hinden’? : '''Nicole''': I’m not touching it. : '''Berg''': ‘Whoopi Gold’? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Holy incompatability, Batman. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming === : '''Tim''': I’m a stock broker now. : '''Pete''': You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg this is heaven. : '''Berg''': I always knew heaven would have an open bar! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Unlike you I’m proud of what I do. : '''Tommy''': You’re not happy being a stripper? : '''Johnny''': Tommy! : '''Sharon''': You told him I was a stripper? : '''Tommy''': Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': And when it rains he gives me his jacket. : '''Deb''': Rick gives me his jacket too. : '''Sharon''': Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you remember life before the luxury box? : '''Berg''': Only vaguely. === Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective === : '''Pete''': Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park! : '''Berg''': You know in real life it’s much bigger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions? : '''Pete''': Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox? : '''Sharon''': Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.) === Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween === === Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship === : '''Berg''': How was your first shift without me? : '''Ashley''': Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding === : '''Pete''': Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I already have a tux. : '''Berg''': Of course for the jukebox repairman awards. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy? : '''Berg''': I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a… : '''Berg''': You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash? : '''Ashley''': No Berg, I have a boyfriend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles. : '''Sharon''': Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me. : '''Berg''': Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you? === Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford === : '''Sharon''': You waltzed with her? : '''Pete''': And a couple of tangos. : '''Sharon''': And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You make me feel, you make me feel… : '''Berg''': Like dancing? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley! Ashley! : '''Ashley's neighbour:''' Will you shut up? : '''Berg''': Do you mind? This is a private conversation. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving === : '''Sharon''': Wow. Thanksgiving at my place. : '''Johnny''': Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better. : '''Sharon''': I have to cook? : '''Pete''': (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal === === Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation === : '''Sharon''': I can't retake freshman English again! : '''Pete''': Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.' ''(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this. : '''Pete''': (chuckling) We never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She must never find out what happened that day. : '''Pete''': And she never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': ''[imitating Robin Leach]'' What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze. : '''Berg'''': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college.... === Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day === : '''Berg''': (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out. : '''Sharon''': Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Shaun''': That reminds me, I'd better get out of these clothes before the mud dries and they have to hose me off. : '''Berg''': (laughing) There are so many wonderful things about THAT sentence. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off. : '''Shaun''': Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time. : '''Berg''': (confused) We did? (Shaun kisses Berg), Hey look at that, we did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You see? This woman is shameless -- shameless, wearing sexy dresses and making me special food. : '''Pete''': You're right. You're right. If she tries to make Johnny any more jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Unless you learn to be happy for them it's just going to eat away at you until you become an angry, bitter yet incredibly beautiful woman. === Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1) === : '''Berg''': Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered. : '''Vanita''': Read the little print : '''Berg''': Re-built in 1994 === Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2) === : '''Ashley''': I hate you! : '''Berg''': I despise you! : '''Ashley''': I loathe you! : '''Berg''': I'can get us a room! : '''Ashley''': I can drive! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship! : '''Ashley''': I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Vanita''': Come on, we're all adults here. : '''Berg''': No, you're pretty much the only one. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter === : '''Sharon''': I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg. : '''Ashley''': Well, why do you think I'm here? : '''Sharon''': According to the Bible, to balance good. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you. : '''Ashley''': I see they left behind a munchkin. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key. : '''Sharon''': Me too. : '''Pete''': What were you gonna do? : '''Sharon''': Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You? : '''Pete''': I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser. : '''Sharon''': Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that. : '''Pete''': He's my best friend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, how did you get in here? : '''Ashley''': Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack. : '''Pete''': A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': If you're gonna wait, wait over there. : '''Ashley''': Fine. : '''Pete''': Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day === === Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies === : '''Sharon''': Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about? : '''Pete''': Do you have an interest in witchcraft? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Ashley I like your perfume. : '''Ashley''': Thanks Pete. : '''Pete''': What is it? Brimstone? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1) === : '''Ashley''': The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.” <hr width="50%" /> ''(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)'' : '''Berg''': How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?! : '''Pete''': I know, I feel terrible about Johnny… : '''Berg''': I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming. : '''Berg''': Damn! Stall! : '''Ashley''': Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out) : '''Pete''': She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray. <hr width="50%" /> ''(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)'' : '''Berg''': Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s in love with Johnny. : '''Berg''': Who says she can’t be in love with you too? : '''Pete''': You! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend. : '''Ashley''': And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship? : '''Berg''': Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes. : '''Berg''': So what, you changed your mind before the wedding? : '''Ashley''': No. : '''Berg''': Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You’re going to propose? : '''Johnny''': Yeah. : '''Berg''': Do you know all her family lost their money? : '''Johnny''': I don’t care. : '''Berg''': Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney? : '''Johnny''': I love her. : '''Berg''': Congratulations! Her family is loaded! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass! : '''Johnny''': You two are going to kick my ass? : '''Pete''': We have friends. == Season 3 == === A New Hope (2) === === Au Revoir Pizza Place === : '''Sharon''': Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.' : '''Pete''': Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about. : '''Sharon''': Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory. : '''Johnny''': Good luck finding a card for that. === Teacher's Pet Peeve === : '''Ashley''': What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny? : '''Pete''': You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon. : '''Berg''': Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley patched it up for me. : '''Dr. Peel''': Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly? : '''Berg''': Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete. <hr width="50%" /> : '''PA Announcement''': Dr. Bergen report to the OR. : '''Berg''': If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save. : '''PA Announcement''': And bring a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing? : '''Berg''': But, you don't have any of the other residents do that. : '''Dr. Peel''': No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before? : '''Pete''': No. : '''Ashley''': Huh, interesting timing <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard! === Career Day === === Sunday in the Apartment === : '''Pete''': This is really important to me. I’m making good money now. : '''Johnny''': Money isn’t everything. : '''Pete''': Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table. : '''Pete''': Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks. : '''Ashley''': Where’s Irene? : '''Pete''': I ditched her at the theatre. === Halloween 2: Mind Over Body === ''(screaming is heard outside the door, Pete opens the door and sees Irene)'' : '''Pete''':Irene you were screaming! : '''Irene''':Oh, yeah, I must have been thinking out loud. Guess what I am. : '''Ashley''':A danger to yourself. : '''Berg''' (holding up dishes):Brains; eyeballs. : '''Sharon''':Berg, you work at a hospital. You couldn't have gotten real eyeballs? : '''Berg''':Well, I tried, but a blind kid beat me to 'em. === Berg's New Roommate === === Foul Play === === Talking Turkey === === Liver and Learn === === A Moving Script === === Out with the Old === : '''Pete''': This century's gonna suck! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know. : '''Irene''': (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats! === Bridesmaid Revisited === === The Monitor Story === === The Wedding Dress === : '''Sharon''': When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things. : '''Pete''': Well . . . you have Johnny. <hr width="50%" /> (Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal) : '''Johnny''': How many years of school have you had? : '''Ashley''': A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school. : '''Johnny''': And yet you are going to die in a sink. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at all the women I'm not going to marry. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Quick! Do something! : '''Berg''': What? : '''Sharon''': Throw Pete through the window! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': You would look great if you showed up in overalls. : '''Sharon''': Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you. : '''Berg''': Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing. === A Rookie Script === : '''Berg''': I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight? : '''Pete''': I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Germ''': Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day? : '''Pete''': I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everything has to go. : '''Berg''': But what if butt ugly comes back into style? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Ashley has a new boyfriend? : '''Berg''': Who is he? : '''Irene''': I don't know. : '''Berg''': Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie! : '''Irene''': Oh, thank you! : '''Ashley''': Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too) : '''Berg''': Oh, and she's just a little creepy! === Feast or Fireman === : '''Berg''': Pete, what are you doing here? : '''Pete''': I just had a physical. : '''Ashley''': So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you. : '''Sharon''': I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening. : '''Ashley''': That’s the Demerol. : '''Berg''': Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.” : '''Germ''': Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown. : '''Pete''': I’m going to be a fireman. : '''Berg''': Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school. : '''Ashley''': My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections. : '''Berg''': Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it. === Once Again From the Beginning === : '''Berg''': Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.' : '''Pete''': And he wrote that in only two days. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards. : '''Berg''': She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway. : '''Pete''': You can't prove he didn't <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You are so funny, is it the celibacy? : '''Pete''': That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Hey, what's going on? : '''Pete''': I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders? === War Stories === === Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette === === Love Shack === === Another Moving Script === : '''Berg''': (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room! === The Undercard === === El Matrimonio Loco === : '''Ashley''': Where's your idiot roommate? : '''Berg''': The village recalled him. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, everything I have to say to you, I can say with one finger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Excuse me Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance : '''Johnny''': OK, Irene, this is really not a good time. : '''Irene''': But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in the lease agreement. It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building and Pete's girlfriend is a whore. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (to Pete and Berg) Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen...can we just get on with THEIR wedding? I mean, uh, we'll marry you guys later -- when it's legal. == Season 4 == === The Bear === : '''Irene''': All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed : '''Berg''': You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene? : '''Irene''': Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Good morning. : '''Berg''': Good morning. : '''Irene''': You want breakfast? : '''Berg''': No thank you. : '''Irene''': You want to get the hell out of my bed? : '''Berg''': Yes please. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are. : '''Irene''': Because of Pete? : '''Berg''': Sure. why not. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I came down to change your bandages. : '''Pete''': Why, do they need changing? : '''Ashley''': No I just need cheering up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Don’t you’ll make me cry. : '''Sharon''': Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump! === Meat === : '''Ashley''': (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon. : '''Germ''': I don't have the address. : '''Pete''': Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there. === 15 Minutes of Shame === === The Satanic Curses === '''Berg:''' Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other. '''Berg:''' Pete and Marty just broke up. '''Irene:''' Get out! '''Berg:''' Serious! '''Irene:''' No,no! GET OUT! === A Germ Runs Through It === : '''Germ''': (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know. : '''Ashley''': Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If you are about done I could use a break. : '''Ashley''': How many times have you told Irene that? : '''Berg''': I really wish you would stop making jokes about it. : '''Ashley''': And how many times have you told Irene that? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': OK, you've had your fun now get off me. : '''Berg''': Boy does that bring back memories. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days. : '''Carpenter''': I'm sorry, is he disabled? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in. : '''Sharon''': Well dig him up, you need help. === The One Without Dialogue === === Disco Nights === === My Dinner with Irene === : '''Irene''': Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you : '''Pete''': I can honestly say I didn't see this coming : '''Sharon''': (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend. : '''Johnny''': My wife is on a date with another woman. : '''Berg''': Sweet. : '''Johnny''': So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together? : '''Berg''': No, I didn't want to ruin their date : '''Johnny''': Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants. : '''Ashley''': And the forks are for eating, not scratching. : '''Johnny''': How could you stand being around Ashley? : '''Berg''': She let me sleep with her. : '''Pete''': I don't think I'll be good company tonight. : '''Irene''': You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company. : '''Pete''': You're picturing that right now, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do : '''Irene''': Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things! : '''Sharon''': I can take care of myself. : '''Johnny''': Yes but you just don't. : '''Johnny''': I always thought you and Irene made a better couple. : '''Berg''': Really? : '''Johnny''': Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her. : '''Berg''': What's that? : '''Pete''': Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!" === Drip === : '''Pete''': What the hell are you doing in my bed? : '''Berg''': (sarcastically) Jogging. : '''Pete''': Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is. <hr width="50%"/> : (Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed) : '''Berg''': Hello : '''Ashley''': Uh, Who is this? : '''Berg''': Well you called me, who do you think? : '''Ashley''': Berg!? : '''Berg''': Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No! : '''Ashley''': Berg, What are you doing in my apartment? : '''Berg''': I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers. : '''Johnny''': Are you making fun of my parents? === Rescue Me === : (Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home) : '''Johnny''': (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7. <hr width="50%"/> : (Johnny points a camera at Pete) : '''Pete''': Where did you get that thing anyway? : '''Johnny''': I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife. : '''Sharon''': Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny) : '''Berg''': How can you afford it? : '''Sharon''': Go on. Tell 'em honey. : '''Johnny''': I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays. : '''Berg''': (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Ashley, you can't leave like this. : '''Ashley''': Okay, well thank you Johnny. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share. : '''Ashley''': (putting down some money) Fine. Here. : '''Johnny''': Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine. : '''Ashley''': Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking? : '''Berg''': Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows. : '''Pete''': Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice. : '''Berg''': Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket. : '''Pete''': Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess. : '''Johnny''': Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice. : (Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice) : '''Pete''': Great, now your wallet's out there. : '''Johnny''': Alright I need a stick. : '''Berg''': I don't think a stick's going to reach that. : '''Johnny''': No, to hit Pete. === Burning Down the House === : (Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley) : '''Berg''': So... Stanley...What do you do for a living? : '''Stanley''': I teach high school English. : '''Berg''': That's very respectable. Where do you live? : '''Stanley''': Over on Newberry. : '''Berg''': Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive? : '''Stanley''': I have a minivan. :'''Berg''': Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire. : '''Pete''': Oh really, Where were you last night? : '''Johnny''': I was at my Mother's. : '''Pete''': Your mother's? What were you doing there? : '''Johnny''': Drinking : '''Pete''': Drinking at your Mother's house. : '''Johnny''': She's hard to take. : '''Pete''': So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story. : '''Johnny''': Who? : '''Pete''': Your Mom? : '''Johnny''': What are you doing with my Mom's phone number? <hr width="50%"/> === Give Mommy a Kiss === : '''Sharon''': (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down. : '''Johnny''': (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery. : '''Sharon''': Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there. : '''Sharon''': Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need? : '''Johnny''': No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite. : (Johnny grabs the phone) : '''Johnny''': Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny. : (Johnny puts the phone down) : '''Johnny''': (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section : '''Ashley''': (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar. : '''Johnny''': Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault. : '''Ashley''': Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact. : '''Johnny''': You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock. : '''Ashley''': Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that? : '''Johnny''': I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'. : '''Ashley''': Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce. : '''Johnny''': No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me. : '''Ashley''': I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial channel. The merger went through you doubled your money. : '''Johnny''': Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me? : '''Ashley''': I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. You're a rich man Johnny. === I've Got a Secret === === The Aftermath === : '''Irene''': How could you do this to Berg? : '''Pete''': If anyone, I thought you would understand. : '''Irene''': Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch : '''Pete''': Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal. <hr width="50%" /> === An Eye for a Finger === === A Few Good Firemen === : '''Ashley''': Germ, I demand you retake this picture! ... Can you help me? : '''Germ''': No! It's a camera, not the hand of God! <hr width="50%" /> === Adventures of Captain Karma === : '''Ashley''': Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me. : '''Pete''': If you were anyone else maybe I would be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I told Irene that I love her. : '''Pete''': Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I hate romantic comedies. : '''Ashley''': Why? Your whole love life is a joke. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': We are going to a business mixer tonight. : '''Johnny''': I don't want to go to a business mixer. : '''Sharon''': Sorry, I meant 'free booze.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen! : '''Berg''': And you're...someone who knows me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did. === Make Mine Tea === : '''Pete''': You said wear black. : '''Sharon''': I said wear something that blends in. : '''Pete''': This does blend, I am the night! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here. : '''Ashley''': What was that? : '''Berg''': 'Shut up Ashley.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Who was that? : '''Berg''': Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music? === The Love Boat === : '''Ashley''': Would you do me a favor? : '''Pete''': Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Why don't you ask Pete? : '''Ashley''': What if he already has plans? (Both burst out laughing at the idea.) === The Icewoman Cometh === : '''Ashley''': I need to talk to you. : '''Pete''': Can't you come back when I'm not here? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Today I almost died. : '''Ashley''': Underachiever. === Should I Stay or Should I Go? === : '''Ashley''': Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed. : '''Pete''': You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before. : '''Pete''': Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Roger''': My insides are something special. : '''Berg''': Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass. : '''Pete''': OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I wasn't exactly popular in high school. : '''Pete''': Really? : '''Ashley''': People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I never knew you'd be such a good lover. : '''Pete''': Yeah and imagine me with a good partner. : '''Ashley''': Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner. === The Internet Show === : '''Pete''': Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete I need a favour. : '''Pete''': Sure. : '''Berg''': Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine? : '''Pete''': Why, are we out? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I am definitely not pregnant. : '''Johnny''': How do you know? : '''Ashley''': Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not. : '''Johnny''': That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Oh, so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill. : '''Pete''': What?! : '''Johnny''': Easy! She isn’t pregnant. : '''Pete''': How do you know? : '''Johnny''': She says she doesn’t want to be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I’m not pregnant! : '''Johnny''': If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy. == Cast == * [[Ryan Reynolds]] - Doctor Michael Eugene Leslie 'Berg' Bergen * [[w:Traylor Howard|Traylor Howard]] - Sharon Donnelly (née Carter) * [[w:Richard Ruccolo|Richard Ruccolo]] - Peter 'Pete' Dunville * [[w:Nathan Fillion|Nathan Fillion]] - Johnny Donnelly * [[w:Susanne Cryer|Susanne Cryer]] - Doctor Ashley Walker * [[w:Jillian Bach|Jillian Bach]] - Irene == External links == {{wikipedia|Two Guys and a Girl}} * {{imdb title|0137330}} [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] hlao1uem3uot1hjcm20265f00np0r8v 3155781 3155780 2022-08-18T07:57:46Z 98.146.179.146 /* Halloween 2: Mind Over Body */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-13}} '''''[[w:Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place|Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place]]''''' (1998-2001), later [[w:Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys and a Girl]], was a sitcom based around [[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon Carter]], [[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Peter Dunville]] (Pete) and [[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Michael Bergen]] (Berg) and their lives after college. Season 2 onwards also featured the characters [[w:Johnny Donnelly (Two Guys and a Girl)|Johnny Donnelly]], [[w:Ashley Walker (Two Guys and a Girl)|Ashley Walker]] and [[w:Irene (Two Guys and a Girl)|Irene]], who arrived as love interests for the three main characters and gradually became part of the main ensemble. == Season 1 == === Pilot === : '''[[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Berg]]''': Why can't you just let me be happy? : '''[[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Pete]]''': Because it's not fair to the rest of us! <hr width="50%" /> : '''[[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon]]''': What's up with him? : '''Berg''': He's breaking up with Melissa. : '''Sharon''': Good. : '''Pete''': What? I thought you liked her. : '''Sharon''': I lied! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together! : '''Pete''': And?! : '''Berg''': And she never wants to see you again! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today. : '''Pete''': Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be '''Philosophy''' majors. : '''Berg''': It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book! : '''Berg''': That's the wonder of me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh? : '''Pete''': I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today. : '''Berg''': Oh, boy! We have to be at work at '''three'''? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong. : '''Berg''': Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Alright, you can't tell anyone. : '''Berg''': As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry. : '''Berg''': You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this ''feisty'' young girl from Wisconsin! : '''Bill''': Don't talk into the food. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't do this with you guys ''leering.'' : '''Berg''': I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work. : '''Berg''': This is harmless. : '''Bill''': Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, ''huh, I'm a goner!'' Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do? : '''Pete''': You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!) : '''Mr. Bauer''': I shot the '''tank'''! And the shark '''blew up'''! : '''Melissa''': You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer. : '''Pete''': Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer. : '''Mr. Bauer''': (laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': Hey, Berg, what have you done to him? : '''Berg''': Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he '''shouldn't''' break up with you! : '''Pete''': '''No!''' : '''Melissa''': I don't believe you! : '''Pete''': No, I '''wasn't'''! He's '''evil'''! : '''Melissa''': He may be evil, but at least he's honest! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': In ten years from now, when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your ''hair transplants'', remember: you had a good thing here, and you blew it. ''Women's softball team whoops and cheers.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I don't believe it, she broke up with me! I just got dumped. : '''Bill''': Hee hee, boy did you ever! And in front of everybody, too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love. : '''Sharon''': You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart! : '''Bill''': Absolutely right. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, I'm motivated! : '''Bill''': Yes, you are. : '''Sharon''': I'm a people person! : '''Bill''': I got to go back and count my pepperonis. : '''Sharon''': I am! Aren't I, Berg? : '''Berg''': Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you. : '''Sharon''': Hey! : '''Berg''': No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Jeez, you two fight like a couple of broads! ''Kick his ass'', Pete! : '''Pete''': I can't, he's wearing my shirt. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': You know, I was in love once. We shared a flat in France. Then the war came, all hell broke loose. Somehow I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub and she walked back into my life. But by then she was married. Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane! : '''Berg''': It's okay, Mr. Bauer. You'll always have Paris. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 7.48: having used eight '''hundred times''' the normal daily recommended dose, now experiencing a side effect of feeling extremely honest and, uh, forthright. ''I've never been more afraid in my life.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I did a bad thing. : '''Pete''': Who, Berg? Who did you do a bad thing to? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Customer''': Hey, can I see a menu? : '''Sharon''': It's a '''pizza place!''' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': There's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis, out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk! Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete! Enjoy it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': That's why you have me. : '''Pete''': Are you gonna have my children? : '''Berg''': There '''is''' an experiment at M.I.T. next week. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg, what do you think's gonna happen to Sharon? : '''Berg''': I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids-- : '''Sharon''': (banging on window) Get your butts back in here! : '''Berg''': (fondly) --take over Cuba! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation === : '''Berg''': Med-School is all about love and toys. : '''Pete''': As long as you're in it for the right reasons. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': What are you doing? I thought you were studying. : '''Berg''': I am. : '''Pete''': You're watching General Hospital! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete. : '''Sharon''': Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder! : '''Berg''': Don't be mad at Pete! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, I gotta tell you-- : '''Pete''': No, don't tell me now, I'm busy. : '''Berg''': Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it I'll be all grown up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Most architects, when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints. ''I'' am going to have a 12,000 square-foot resume. : '''Berg''': Man! You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a manila envelope. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Socrates, meet Guy With Removable Brain! Removable Brain, meet Pete! : '''Pete''': Nice haircut! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': You know, Ellen and I always dreamed of having a son who becomes a doctor. : '''Pete''': Bill. What about an architect? : '''Bill''': Hey, I've already got a building. I need free medical! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You have an ethical duty to tell the truth. : '''Pete''': Sharon, you work for a ''chemical company'' - you have no ethics! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Wait, you're not actually going to listen to him?! : '''Sharon''': Well... : '''Pete''': Wait, this is Berg! The same guy who wanted to put a Bat-Pole between our apartments! : '''Sharon''': Yeah... But now he's a doctor! : '''Pete''': He's '''not''' a doctor! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Am I the only one who knows what's going on here? : '''Mr. Bauer''': You are not alone, my friend! I was once the favorite, everyone looked up to me, and then along came the new kid on the block - Buzz Lightyear! Showing off all his fancy gadgets to all my friends; I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete? ''Mr. Bauer slumps over. Berg walks past and pulls an imaginary pull-string on his back, and he straightens up again.'' : '''Mr. Bauer''': And then! : '''Pete''': Oh, God! : '''Mr. Bauer''': What do you know, I get thrown in the toy-box along with Potato Head and Slinky Dog. Huh! ''To Infinity and Beyond'' my ass! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 5.46: My roommate has just ingested four ''hundred times'' the daily dosage in just under twenty seconds. This will most likely be fatal. (Turns voice recorder off, then on again.) For me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Listen, I might have poisoned my friend, and I need to know the side-effects. Yeah, it's a medical emergency. Hold- no, don't put me on hold! Don't put me on-- (singing) #and away! In my beautiful, beautiful... ''balloon''!# <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and... I'm sorry? He may become ''delusional''? Well, what the hell kind of side-effect is ''delusional''!? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrhea? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay, um, you're welcome. I mean, thanks. I mean, thanks for welcoming me. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': You're welcome. : '''Pete''': Thanks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern mininilism-- More modern mimilist-- Sorry! Um, a more minilist-- Well, just new and simple! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay. (throwing his cards in the air and gesturing wildly) I see-- I see ''huge'', crazy shapes! Right, and-and-and a giant-- a giant Jack-in-the-Box! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': A Jack-in-the-Box?! : '''Pete''': Yeah! Yeah, a giant Jack-in-the-Box, th-th-that'll pop up and great the visitors, it-it's coned head swaying two storeys high! And, oh! And it'll say something like, like, "Ha-ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Mr. Dunville has accidentally ingested a medication which is causing the delusional behaviour you're witnessing. : '''Pete''': I don't even know this guy, but look at the excitement that the Jack-in-the-Box is causing! It's ''infectious''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You drank my alergesic medication. You're sweating, you're stammering, you're ''delusional''! : '''Pete''': You don't know what I'm talking about, Berg, I'm just a little nervous. : '''Berg''': Oh yeah? Then what kind of museum has a huge... '''Jack-in-the-Box'''? And ''stupid'' voices going, "Ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" : '''Pete''': A '''Children's''' Museum? : '''Berg''': ...what? : '''Pete''': This is for a ''Children's'' Museum, Berg. : '''Berg''': Ohh! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, ''I'm'' the one who's delusional! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!) <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Yes, we're ''all'' aware of that. : '''Sharon''': (grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale? : '''Sharon''': Listen, pal, I've had a ''really'' bad day! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Join the club! : '''Sharon''': Hey, you want a piece of me, huh? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress. : '''Sharon''': Berg! : '''Berg''': Klingons! (To Pete) Bones! : '''Pete''': Idiot! : '''Sharon''': Berg, get out here, right now! : '''Berg''': Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I screwed up big time. : '''Pete''': Finally! An accurate diagnosis. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You're scared because you might finally care about something. : '''Berg''': Then why do I screw up? : '''Pete''': Because you're ''Berg''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': "Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job. : '''Pete''': I got the job? How can that be? : '''Berg''': It's right here: ''Loved your designs. Hate your friends.'' : '''Pete''': How come you didn't tell me they called last night? : '''Berg''': Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy === : '''Pete''': (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack". <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Guys' night out. : '''Sharon''': I'm a guy! : '''Berg''': You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!" : '''Bill''': Exercising the First Amendment. : '''Berg''': When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie." : '''Bill''': What does Sharon do? : '''Pete''': Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg, no more medical experiments. : '''Berg''': Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch. : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is? : '''Berg''': (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps. : '''Pete''': Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, '''soda'''? Come on! : '''Pete''': Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg? Berg, do you notice something different about our Sharon? : '''Berg''': No, nothing. Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I gotta get to work. : '''Berg''': Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse? : '''Pete''': Or House of Scarves. : '''Berg''': Scarf Depot! : '''Pete''': Jiffy Scarves! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg's Sneakers''': Nothing can stop you! You're a winner! : '''Berg''': 8:40! Firm arch support '''and''' emotional support. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': I never thought I'd say this, but-- Mr. Bauer makes sense. (Berg looks confused.) Not that we're '''pods'''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We're gonna have to be-- : '''Pete''': No, no-no-no, don't say it! : '''Berg''': --mature. : '''Pete''': Oh, there, you said it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I got stamps. ''Legends of the Rodeo'': a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era. : '''Pete''': What's wrong with you? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Thanks a lot! I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go turn him into a husband! : '''Berg''': We were being mature! : '''Sharon''': Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game === : '''Melissa''': Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead. : '''Sharon''': Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': We're playing the Bulls! : '''Berg''': The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team. <hr width="50%" /> (Sharon just found out about the stolen banner) : '''Berg''': She knows. : '''Pete''': She does? : '''Berg''': Act dumb. : '''Pete''': "We ''are'' dumb. (They go over to Sharon) : '''Sharon''': Are you guys nuts? : '''Berg''': I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels. : '''Pete''': What seems to be the problem, ma'am? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment === : '''Berg''': So what am I supposed to do? : '''Sharon''': Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg. : '''Berg''': No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her? : '''Pete''': You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I'm leaning towards Max Larson. : '''Berg''': No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows. : '''Sharon''': So? He likes his privacy. : '''Berg''': Yes, because he's a serial killer! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team === : '''Pete''': Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place. : '''Bill''': Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses. : '''Pete''': But they made the headlines. : '''Bill''': For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': All right girls, let's hit the cages. : '''Bunny''': Oh, I don't feel like dancing. : '''Sharon''': The batting cages. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You expect me to play with a team of chicks? : '''Madeleine''': Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College. : '''Leanne''': I play for Florida State. : '''Bunny''': And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop. : '''Sharon''': Even pitcher? : '''Berg''': Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery === : '''Pete''': Who are you to tell me what I need? : '''Berg''': I'm your doctor. : '''Pete''': You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Where do I meet this rebound girl? : '''Berg''': I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you? <hr width"50%"/> : '''Berg''': ''(to Pete)'' Where you going? : '''Pete''': To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar? : '''Berg''': Don't make me get my anatomy book. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Party === : '''Bill''': I thought your birthday was in May. : '''Pete''': Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I think I really like her. : '''Pete''': Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet? : '''Berg''': And what is up with that?!? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bethany''': I wouldn't miss it for anything. : '''Berg''': Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold? : '''Bethany''': I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant. : '''Berg''': I love a girl with a plan. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30? : '''Berg''': You get better presents. : '''Pete''': I don't want to be 30. : '''Berg''': Act your age. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter === : '''Pete''': You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg. : '''Berg''': Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side! : '''Pete''': I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Why aren't you at work. : '''Sharon''': It's toxic Awareness day? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't just jump into spontanaeity === Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery === : '''Pete''': I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal. : '''Berg''': I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women. : '''Sharon''': Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'. : '''Berg''': They have an excellent wine list. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use? : '''Isabella''': My naked body. : '''Berg''': Really? Because we need our apartment painted. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics. : '''Pete''': Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session. : '''Berg''': That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage. : '''Berg''': I never...want to forget you said that. === Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met === : '''Pete''': This girl is a nightmare. : '''Berg''': She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her. : '''Pete''': Me too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled. : '''Berg''': Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': After you have a drink with us. : '''Sharon''': I can't drink. : '''Berg''': Then why are you in college? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon? : '''Berg''': She's Sharon. : '''Bill''': What's that got to do with anything? : '''Berg''': Pete, explain it. : '''Pete''': She's Sharon. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major. : '''Pete''': Russian Economics. : '''Berg''': Phew, glad that's over with. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord === == Season 2 == === Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better === : '''Berg''': See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together. <hr width="50%" /> (Holding up a dress.) : '''Sharon''': What about this one? : '''Pete''': Hooker. : '''Sharon''': High class or street? : '''Pete''': Jerry Springer. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': See something you like? : '''Ashley''': Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': All they do is study, they're pathetic. : '''Pete''': Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face. : '''Berg''': Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet. : '''Sharon''': True, but we're number one at it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more. : '''Berg''': Or, find out who is number one and take them down. : '''Pete''': Yes, you're maturing nicely <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number. : '''Girl''': No you can't. : '''Berg''': Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan! : '''Berg''': You're enjoying this, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Does it show? <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation=== : '''Pete''': You da Bomb! : '''Sharon''': Where did he learn that?! : '''Berg''': I just, don't know! <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo === : '''Pete''': Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life. : '''Berg''': He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What is wrong with you? : '''Sharon''': I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley, what are you doing here? : '''Ashley''': Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them. : '''Pete''': You didn’t make the window again, huh? : '''Sharon''': No, third row. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': What happened to your hand? : '''Berg''': I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime. : '''Sharon''': That’s the best you could come up with? : '''Berg''': It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party. : '''Pete''': Don’t tell me you slept with her. : '''Berg''': Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Nicole''': Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed. : '''Berg''': Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it? : '''Nicole''': No. : '''Berg''': ‘Hinden’? : '''Nicole''': I’m not touching it. : '''Berg''': ‘Whoopi Gold’? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Holy incompatability, Batman. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming === : '''Tim''': I’m a stock broker now. : '''Pete''': You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg this is heaven. : '''Berg''': I always knew heaven would have an open bar! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Unlike you I’m proud of what I do. : '''Tommy''': You’re not happy being a stripper? : '''Johnny''': Tommy! : '''Sharon''': You told him I was a stripper? : '''Tommy''': Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': And when it rains he gives me his jacket. : '''Deb''': Rick gives me his jacket too. : '''Sharon''': Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you remember life before the luxury box? : '''Berg''': Only vaguely. === Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective === : '''Pete''': Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park! : '''Berg''': You know in real life it’s much bigger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions? : '''Pete''': Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox? : '''Sharon''': Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.) === Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween === === Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship === : '''Berg''': How was your first shift without me? : '''Ashley''': Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding === : '''Pete''': Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I already have a tux. : '''Berg''': Of course for the jukebox repairman awards. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy? : '''Berg''': I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a… : '''Berg''': You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash? : '''Ashley''': No Berg, I have a boyfriend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles. : '''Sharon''': Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me. : '''Berg''': Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you? === Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford === : '''Sharon''': You waltzed with her? : '''Pete''': And a couple of tangos. : '''Sharon''': And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You make me feel, you make me feel… : '''Berg''': Like dancing? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley! Ashley! : '''Ashley's neighbour:''' Will you shut up? : '''Berg''': Do you mind? This is a private conversation. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving === : '''Sharon''': Wow. Thanksgiving at my place. : '''Johnny''': Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better. : '''Sharon''': I have to cook? : '''Pete''': (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal === === Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation === : '''Sharon''': I can't retake freshman English again! : '''Pete''': Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.' ''(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this. : '''Pete''': (chuckling) We never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She must never find out what happened that day. : '''Pete''': And she never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': ''[imitating Robin Leach]'' What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze. : '''Berg'''': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college.... === Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day === : '''Berg''': (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out. : '''Sharon''': Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Shaun''': That reminds me, I'd better get out of these clothes before the mud dries and they have to hose me off. : '''Berg''': (laughing) There are so many wonderful things about THAT sentence. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off. : '''Shaun''': Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time. : '''Berg''': (confused) We did? (Shaun kisses Berg), Hey look at that, we did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You see? This woman is shameless -- shameless, wearing sexy dresses and making me special food. : '''Pete''': You're right. You're right. If she tries to make Johnny any more jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Unless you learn to be happy for them it's just going to eat away at you until you become an angry, bitter yet incredibly beautiful woman. === Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1) === : '''Berg''': Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered. : '''Vanita''': Read the little print : '''Berg''': Re-built in 1994 === Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2) === : '''Ashley''': I hate you! : '''Berg''': I despise you! : '''Ashley''': I loathe you! : '''Berg''': I'can get us a room! : '''Ashley''': I can drive! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship! : '''Ashley''': I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Vanita''': Come on, we're all adults here. : '''Berg''': No, you're pretty much the only one. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter === : '''Sharon''': I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg. : '''Ashley''': Well, why do you think I'm here? : '''Sharon''': According to the Bible, to balance good. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you. : '''Ashley''': I see they left behind a munchkin. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key. : '''Sharon''': Me too. : '''Pete''': What were you gonna do? : '''Sharon''': Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You? : '''Pete''': I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser. : '''Sharon''': Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that. : '''Pete''': He's my best friend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, how did you get in here? : '''Ashley''': Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack. : '''Pete''': A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': If you're gonna wait, wait over there. : '''Ashley''': Fine. : '''Pete''': Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day === === Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies === : '''Sharon''': Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about? : '''Pete''': Do you have an interest in witchcraft? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Ashley I like your perfume. : '''Ashley''': Thanks Pete. : '''Pete''': What is it? Brimstone? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1) === : '''Ashley''': The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.” <hr width="50%" /> ''(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)'' : '''Berg''': How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?! : '''Pete''': I know, I feel terrible about Johnny… : '''Berg''': I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming. : '''Berg''': Damn! Stall! : '''Ashley''': Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out) : '''Pete''': She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray. <hr width="50%" /> ''(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)'' : '''Berg''': Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s in love with Johnny. : '''Berg''': Who says she can’t be in love with you too? : '''Pete''': You! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend. : '''Ashley''': And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship? : '''Berg''': Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes. : '''Berg''': So what, you changed your mind before the wedding? : '''Ashley''': No. : '''Berg''': Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You’re going to propose? : '''Johnny''': Yeah. : '''Berg''': Do you know all her family lost their money? : '''Johnny''': I don’t care. : '''Berg''': Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney? : '''Johnny''': I love her. : '''Berg''': Congratulations! Her family is loaded! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass! : '''Johnny''': You two are going to kick my ass? : '''Pete''': We have friends. == Season 3 == === A New Hope (2) === === Au Revoir Pizza Place === : '''Sharon''': Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.' : '''Pete''': Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about. : '''Sharon''': Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory. : '''Johnny''': Good luck finding a card for that. === Teacher's Pet Peeve === : '''Ashley''': What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny? : '''Pete''': You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon. : '''Berg''': Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley patched it up for me. : '''Dr. Peel''': Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly? : '''Berg''': Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete. <hr width="50%" /> : '''PA Announcement''': Dr. Bergen report to the OR. : '''Berg''': If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save. : '''PA Announcement''': And bring a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing? : '''Berg''': But, you don't have any of the other residents do that. : '''Dr. Peel''': No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before? : '''Pete''': No. : '''Ashley''': Huh, interesting timing <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard! === Career Day === === Sunday in the Apartment === : '''Pete''': This is really important to me. I’m making good money now. : '''Johnny''': Money isn’t everything. : '''Pete''': Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table. : '''Pete''': Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks. : '''Ashley''': Where’s Irene? : '''Pete''': I ditched her at the theatre. === Halloween 2: Mind Over Body === ''(screaming is heard outside the door, Pete opens the door and sees Irene)'' : '''Pete''': Irene, you were screaming! : '''Irene''': Oh, yeah, I must have been thinking out loud. Guess what I am. : '''Ashley''': A danger to yourself. : '''Berg''' (holding up dishes): Brains; eyeballs. : '''Sharon''': Berg, you work at a hospital. You couldn't have gotten real eyeballs? : '''Berg''': Well, I tried, but a blind kid beat me to 'em. === Berg's New Roommate === === Foul Play === === Talking Turkey === === Liver and Learn === === A Moving Script === === Out with the Old === : '''Pete''': This century's gonna suck! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know. : '''Irene''': (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats! === Bridesmaid Revisited === === The Monitor Story === === The Wedding Dress === : '''Sharon''': When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things. : '''Pete''': Well . . . you have Johnny. <hr width="50%" /> (Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal) : '''Johnny''': How many years of school have you had? : '''Ashley''': A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school. : '''Johnny''': And yet you are going to die in a sink. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at all the women I'm not going to marry. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Quick! Do something! : '''Berg''': What? : '''Sharon''': Throw Pete through the window! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': You would look great if you showed up in overalls. : '''Sharon''': Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you. : '''Berg''': Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing. === A Rookie Script === : '''Berg''': I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight? : '''Pete''': I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Germ''': Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day? : '''Pete''': I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everything has to go. : '''Berg''': But what if butt ugly comes back into style? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Ashley has a new boyfriend? : '''Berg''': Who is he? : '''Irene''': I don't know. : '''Berg''': Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie! : '''Irene''': Oh, thank you! : '''Ashley''': Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too) : '''Berg''': Oh, and she's just a little creepy! === Feast or Fireman === : '''Berg''': Pete, what are you doing here? : '''Pete''': I just had a physical. : '''Ashley''': So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you. : '''Sharon''': I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening. : '''Ashley''': That’s the Demerol. : '''Berg''': Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.” : '''Germ''': Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown. : '''Pete''': I’m going to be a fireman. : '''Berg''': Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school. : '''Ashley''': My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections. : '''Berg''': Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it. === Once Again From the Beginning === : '''Berg''': Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.' : '''Pete''': And he wrote that in only two days. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards. : '''Berg''': She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway. : '''Pete''': You can't prove he didn't <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You are so funny, is it the celibacy? : '''Pete''': That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Hey, what's going on? : '''Pete''': I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders? === War Stories === === Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette === === Love Shack === === Another Moving Script === : '''Berg''': (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room! === The Undercard === === El Matrimonio Loco === : '''Ashley''': Where's your idiot roommate? : '''Berg''': The village recalled him. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, everything I have to say to you, I can say with one finger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Excuse me Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance : '''Johnny''': OK, Irene, this is really not a good time. : '''Irene''': But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in the lease agreement. It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building and Pete's girlfriend is a whore. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (to Pete and Berg) Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen...can we just get on with THEIR wedding? I mean, uh, we'll marry you guys later -- when it's legal. == Season 4 == === The Bear === : '''Irene''': All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed : '''Berg''': You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene? : '''Irene''': Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Good morning. : '''Berg''': Good morning. : '''Irene''': You want breakfast? : '''Berg''': No thank you. : '''Irene''': You want to get the hell out of my bed? : '''Berg''': Yes please. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are. : '''Irene''': Because of Pete? : '''Berg''': Sure. why not. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I came down to change your bandages. : '''Pete''': Why, do they need changing? : '''Ashley''': No I just need cheering up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Don’t you’ll make me cry. : '''Sharon''': Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump! === Meat === : '''Ashley''': (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon. : '''Germ''': I don't have the address. : '''Pete''': Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there. === 15 Minutes of Shame === === The Satanic Curses === '''Berg:''' Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other. '''Berg:''' Pete and Marty just broke up. '''Irene:''' Get out! '''Berg:''' Serious! '''Irene:''' No,no! GET OUT! === A Germ Runs Through It === : '''Germ''': (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know. : '''Ashley''': Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If you are about done I could use a break. : '''Ashley''': How many times have you told Irene that? : '''Berg''': I really wish you would stop making jokes about it. : '''Ashley''': And how many times have you told Irene that? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': OK, you've had your fun now get off me. : '''Berg''': Boy does that bring back memories. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days. : '''Carpenter''': I'm sorry, is he disabled? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in. : '''Sharon''': Well dig him up, you need help. === The One Without Dialogue === === Disco Nights === === My Dinner with Irene === : '''Irene''': Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you : '''Pete''': I can honestly say I didn't see this coming : '''Sharon''': (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend. : '''Johnny''': My wife is on a date with another woman. : '''Berg''': Sweet. : '''Johnny''': So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together? : '''Berg''': No, I didn't want to ruin their date : '''Johnny''': Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants. : '''Ashley''': And the forks are for eating, not scratching. : '''Johnny''': How could you stand being around Ashley? : '''Berg''': She let me sleep with her. : '''Pete''': I don't think I'll be good company tonight. : '''Irene''': You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company. : '''Pete''': You're picturing that right now, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do : '''Irene''': Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things! : '''Sharon''': I can take care of myself. : '''Johnny''': Yes but you just don't. : '''Johnny''': I always thought you and Irene made a better couple. : '''Berg''': Really? : '''Johnny''': Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her. : '''Berg''': What's that? : '''Pete''': Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!" === Drip === : '''Pete''': What the hell are you doing in my bed? : '''Berg''': (sarcastically) Jogging. : '''Pete''': Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is. <hr width="50%"/> : (Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed) : '''Berg''': Hello : '''Ashley''': Uh, Who is this? : '''Berg''': Well you called me, who do you think? : '''Ashley''': Berg!? : '''Berg''': Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No! : '''Ashley''': Berg, What are you doing in my apartment? : '''Berg''': I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers. : '''Johnny''': Are you making fun of my parents? === Rescue Me === : (Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home) : '''Johnny''': (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7. <hr width="50%"/> : (Johnny points a camera at Pete) : '''Pete''': Where did you get that thing anyway? : '''Johnny''': I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife. : '''Sharon''': Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny) : '''Berg''': How can you afford it? : '''Sharon''': Go on. Tell 'em honey. : '''Johnny''': I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays. : '''Berg''': (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Ashley, you can't leave like this. : '''Ashley''': Okay, well thank you Johnny. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share. : '''Ashley''': (putting down some money) Fine. Here. : '''Johnny''': Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine. : '''Ashley''': Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking? : '''Berg''': Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows. : '''Pete''': Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice. : '''Berg''': Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket. : '''Pete''': Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess. : '''Johnny''': Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice. : (Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice) : '''Pete''': Great, now your wallet's out there. : '''Johnny''': Alright I need a stick. : '''Berg''': I don't think a stick's going to reach that. : '''Johnny''': No, to hit Pete. === Burning Down the House === : (Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley) : '''Berg''': So... Stanley...What do you do for a living? : '''Stanley''': I teach high school English. : '''Berg''': That's very respectable. Where do you live? : '''Stanley''': Over on Newberry. : '''Berg''': Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive? : '''Stanley''': I have a minivan. :'''Berg''': Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire. : '''Pete''': Oh really, Where were you last night? : '''Johnny''': I was at my Mother's. : '''Pete''': Your mother's? What were you doing there? : '''Johnny''': Drinking : '''Pete''': Drinking at your Mother's house. : '''Johnny''': She's hard to take. : '''Pete''': So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story. : '''Johnny''': Who? : '''Pete''': Your Mom? : '''Johnny''': What are you doing with my Mom's phone number? <hr width="50%"/> === Give Mommy a Kiss === : '''Sharon''': (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down. : '''Johnny''': (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery. : '''Sharon''': Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there. : '''Sharon''': Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need? : '''Johnny''': No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite. : (Johnny grabs the phone) : '''Johnny''': Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny. : (Johnny puts the phone down) : '''Johnny''': (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section : '''Ashley''': (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar. : '''Johnny''': Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault. : '''Ashley''': Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact. : '''Johnny''': You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock. : '''Ashley''': Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that? : '''Johnny''': I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'. : '''Ashley''': Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce. : '''Johnny''': No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me. : '''Ashley''': I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial channel. The merger went through you doubled your money. : '''Johnny''': Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me? : '''Ashley''': I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. You're a rich man Johnny. === I've Got a Secret === === The Aftermath === : '''Irene''': How could you do this to Berg? : '''Pete''': If anyone, I thought you would understand. : '''Irene''': Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch : '''Pete''': Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal. <hr width="50%" /> === An Eye for a Finger === === A Few Good Firemen === : '''Ashley''': Germ, I demand you retake this picture! ... Can you help me? : '''Germ''': No! It's a camera, not the hand of God! <hr width="50%" /> === Adventures of Captain Karma === : '''Ashley''': Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me. : '''Pete''': If you were anyone else maybe I would be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I told Irene that I love her. : '''Pete''': Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I hate romantic comedies. : '''Ashley''': Why? Your whole love life is a joke. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': We are going to a business mixer tonight. : '''Johnny''': I don't want to go to a business mixer. : '''Sharon''': Sorry, I meant 'free booze.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen! : '''Berg''': And you're...someone who knows me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did. === Make Mine Tea === : '''Pete''': You said wear black. : '''Sharon''': I said wear something that blends in. : '''Pete''': This does blend, I am the night! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here. : '''Ashley''': What was that? : '''Berg''': 'Shut up Ashley.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Who was that? : '''Berg''': Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music? === The Love Boat === : '''Ashley''': Would you do me a favor? : '''Pete''': Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Why don't you ask Pete? : '''Ashley''': What if he already has plans? (Both burst out laughing at the idea.) === The Icewoman Cometh === : '''Ashley''': I need to talk to you. : '''Pete''': Can't you come back when I'm not here? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Today I almost died. : '''Ashley''': Underachiever. === Should I Stay or Should I Go? === : '''Ashley''': Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed. : '''Pete''': You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before. : '''Pete''': Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Roger''': My insides are something special. : '''Berg''': Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass. : '''Pete''': OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I wasn't exactly popular in high school. : '''Pete''': Really? : '''Ashley''': People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I never knew you'd be such a good lover. : '''Pete''': Yeah and imagine me with a good partner. : '''Ashley''': Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner. === The Internet Show === : '''Pete''': Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete I need a favour. : '''Pete''': Sure. : '''Berg''': Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine? : '''Pete''': Why, are we out? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I am definitely not pregnant. : '''Johnny''': How do you know? : '''Ashley''': Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not. : '''Johnny''': That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Oh, so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill. : '''Pete''': What?! : '''Johnny''': Easy! She isn’t pregnant. : '''Pete''': How do you know? : '''Johnny''': She says she doesn’t want to be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I’m not pregnant! : '''Johnny''': If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy. == Cast == * [[Ryan Reynolds]] - Doctor Michael Eugene Leslie 'Berg' Bergen * [[w:Traylor Howard|Traylor Howard]] - Sharon Donnelly (née Carter) * [[w:Richard Ruccolo|Richard Ruccolo]] - Peter 'Pete' Dunville * [[w:Nathan Fillion|Nathan Fillion]] - Johnny Donnelly * [[w:Susanne Cryer|Susanne Cryer]] - Doctor Ashley Walker * [[w:Jillian Bach|Jillian Bach]] - Irene == External links == {{wikipedia|Two Guys and a Girl}} * {{imdb title|0137330}} [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] nz974ev3liyq98iye3bq76gtbznjmli 3155782 3155781 2022-08-18T08:02:38Z 98.146.179.146 /* Halloween 2: Mind Over Body */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-13}} '''''[[w:Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place|Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place]]''''' (1998-2001), later [[w:Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys and a Girl]], was a sitcom based around [[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon Carter]], [[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Peter Dunville]] (Pete) and [[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Michael Bergen]] (Berg) and their lives after college. Season 2 onwards also featured the characters [[w:Johnny Donnelly (Two Guys and a Girl)|Johnny Donnelly]], [[w:Ashley Walker (Two Guys and a Girl)|Ashley Walker]] and [[w:Irene (Two Guys and a Girl)|Irene]], who arrived as love interests for the three main characters and gradually became part of the main ensemble. == Season 1 == === Pilot === : '''[[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Berg]]''': Why can't you just let me be happy? : '''[[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Pete]]''': Because it's not fair to the rest of us! <hr width="50%" /> : '''[[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon]]''': What's up with him? : '''Berg''': He's breaking up with Melissa. : '''Sharon''': Good. : '''Pete''': What? I thought you liked her. : '''Sharon''': I lied! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together! : '''Pete''': And?! : '''Berg''': And she never wants to see you again! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today. : '''Pete''': Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be '''Philosophy''' majors. : '''Berg''': It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book! : '''Berg''': That's the wonder of me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh? : '''Pete''': I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today. : '''Berg''': Oh, boy! We have to be at work at '''three'''? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong. : '''Berg''': Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Alright, you can't tell anyone. : '''Berg''': As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry. : '''Berg''': You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this ''feisty'' young girl from Wisconsin! : '''Bill''': Don't talk into the food. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't do this with you guys ''leering.'' : '''Berg''': I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work. : '''Berg''': This is harmless. : '''Bill''': Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, ''huh, I'm a goner!'' Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do? : '''Pete''': You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!) : '''Mr. Bauer''': I shot the '''tank'''! And the shark '''blew up'''! : '''Melissa''': You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer. : '''Pete''': Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer. : '''Mr. Bauer''': (laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': Hey, Berg, what have you done to him? : '''Berg''': Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he '''shouldn't''' break up with you! : '''Pete''': '''No!''' : '''Melissa''': I don't believe you! : '''Pete''': No, I '''wasn't'''! He's '''evil'''! : '''Melissa''': He may be evil, but at least he's honest! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': In ten years from now, when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your ''hair transplants'', remember: you had a good thing here, and you blew it. ''Women's softball team whoops and cheers.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I don't believe it, she broke up with me! I just got dumped. : '''Bill''': Hee hee, boy did you ever! And in front of everybody, too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love. : '''Sharon''': You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart! : '''Bill''': Absolutely right. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, I'm motivated! : '''Bill''': Yes, you are. : '''Sharon''': I'm a people person! : '''Bill''': I got to go back and count my pepperonis. : '''Sharon''': I am! Aren't I, Berg? : '''Berg''': Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you. : '''Sharon''': Hey! : '''Berg''': No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Jeez, you two fight like a couple of broads! ''Kick his ass'', Pete! : '''Pete''': I can't, he's wearing my shirt. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': You know, I was in love once. We shared a flat in France. Then the war came, all hell broke loose. Somehow I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub and she walked back into my life. But by then she was married. Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane! : '''Berg''': It's okay, Mr. Bauer. You'll always have Paris. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 7.48: having used eight '''hundred times''' the normal daily recommended dose, now experiencing a side effect of feeling extremely honest and, uh, forthright. ''I've never been more afraid in my life.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I did a bad thing. : '''Pete''': Who, Berg? Who did you do a bad thing to? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Customer''': Hey, can I see a menu? : '''Sharon''': It's a '''pizza place!''' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': There's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis, out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk! Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete! Enjoy it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': That's why you have me. : '''Pete''': Are you gonna have my children? : '''Berg''': There '''is''' an experiment at M.I.T. next week. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg, what do you think's gonna happen to Sharon? : '''Berg''': I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids-- : '''Sharon''': (banging on window) Get your butts back in here! : '''Berg''': (fondly) --take over Cuba! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation === : '''Berg''': Med-School is all about love and toys. : '''Pete''': As long as you're in it for the right reasons. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': What are you doing? I thought you were studying. : '''Berg''': I am. : '''Pete''': You're watching General Hospital! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete. : '''Sharon''': Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder! : '''Berg''': Don't be mad at Pete! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, I gotta tell you-- : '''Pete''': No, don't tell me now, I'm busy. : '''Berg''': Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it I'll be all grown up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Most architects, when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints. ''I'' am going to have a 12,000 square-foot resume. : '''Berg''': Man! You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a manila envelope. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Socrates, meet Guy With Removable Brain! Removable Brain, meet Pete! : '''Pete''': Nice haircut! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': You know, Ellen and I always dreamed of having a son who becomes a doctor. : '''Pete''': Bill. What about an architect? : '''Bill''': Hey, I've already got a building. I need free medical! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You have an ethical duty to tell the truth. : '''Pete''': Sharon, you work for a ''chemical company'' - you have no ethics! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Wait, you're not actually going to listen to him?! : '''Sharon''': Well... : '''Pete''': Wait, this is Berg! The same guy who wanted to put a Bat-Pole between our apartments! : '''Sharon''': Yeah... But now he's a doctor! : '''Pete''': He's '''not''' a doctor! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Am I the only one who knows what's going on here? : '''Mr. Bauer''': You are not alone, my friend! I was once the favorite, everyone looked up to me, and then along came the new kid on the block - Buzz Lightyear! Showing off all his fancy gadgets to all my friends; I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete? ''Mr. Bauer slumps over. Berg walks past and pulls an imaginary pull-string on his back, and he straightens up again.'' : '''Mr. Bauer''': And then! : '''Pete''': Oh, God! : '''Mr. Bauer''': What do you know, I get thrown in the toy-box along with Potato Head and Slinky Dog. Huh! ''To Infinity and Beyond'' my ass! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 5.46: My roommate has just ingested four ''hundred times'' the daily dosage in just under twenty seconds. This will most likely be fatal. (Turns voice recorder off, then on again.) For me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Listen, I might have poisoned my friend, and I need to know the side-effects. Yeah, it's a medical emergency. Hold- no, don't put me on hold! Don't put me on-- (singing) #and away! In my beautiful, beautiful... ''balloon''!# <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and... I'm sorry? He may become ''delusional''? Well, what the hell kind of side-effect is ''delusional''!? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrhea? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay, um, you're welcome. I mean, thanks. I mean, thanks for welcoming me. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': You're welcome. : '''Pete''': Thanks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern mininilism-- More modern mimilist-- Sorry! Um, a more minilist-- Well, just new and simple! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay. (throwing his cards in the air and gesturing wildly) I see-- I see ''huge'', crazy shapes! Right, and-and-and a giant-- a giant Jack-in-the-Box! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': A Jack-in-the-Box?! : '''Pete''': Yeah! Yeah, a giant Jack-in-the-Box, th-th-that'll pop up and great the visitors, it-it's coned head swaying two storeys high! And, oh! And it'll say something like, like, "Ha-ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Mr. Dunville has accidentally ingested a medication which is causing the delusional behaviour you're witnessing. : '''Pete''': I don't even know this guy, but look at the excitement that the Jack-in-the-Box is causing! It's ''infectious''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You drank my alergesic medication. You're sweating, you're stammering, you're ''delusional''! : '''Pete''': You don't know what I'm talking about, Berg, I'm just a little nervous. : '''Berg''': Oh yeah? Then what kind of museum has a huge... '''Jack-in-the-Box'''? And ''stupid'' voices going, "Ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" : '''Pete''': A '''Children's''' Museum? : '''Berg''': ...what? : '''Pete''': This is for a ''Children's'' Museum, Berg. : '''Berg''': Ohh! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, ''I'm'' the one who's delusional! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!) <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Yes, we're ''all'' aware of that. : '''Sharon''': (grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale? : '''Sharon''': Listen, pal, I've had a ''really'' bad day! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Join the club! : '''Sharon''': Hey, you want a piece of me, huh? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress. : '''Sharon''': Berg! : '''Berg''': Klingons! (To Pete) Bones! : '''Pete''': Idiot! : '''Sharon''': Berg, get out here, right now! : '''Berg''': Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I screwed up big time. : '''Pete''': Finally! An accurate diagnosis. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You're scared because you might finally care about something. : '''Berg''': Then why do I screw up? : '''Pete''': Because you're ''Berg''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': "Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job. : '''Pete''': I got the job? How can that be? : '''Berg''': It's right here: ''Loved your designs. Hate your friends.'' : '''Pete''': How come you didn't tell me they called last night? : '''Berg''': Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy === : '''Pete''': (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack". <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Guys' night out. : '''Sharon''': I'm a guy! : '''Berg''': You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!" : '''Bill''': Exercising the First Amendment. : '''Berg''': When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie." : '''Bill''': What does Sharon do? : '''Pete''': Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg, no more medical experiments. : '''Berg''': Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch. : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is? : '''Berg''': (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps. : '''Pete''': Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, '''soda'''? Come on! : '''Pete''': Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg? Berg, do you notice something different about our Sharon? : '''Berg''': No, nothing. Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I gotta get to work. : '''Berg''': Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse? : '''Pete''': Or House of Scarves. : '''Berg''': Scarf Depot! : '''Pete''': Jiffy Scarves! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg's Sneakers''': Nothing can stop you! You're a winner! : '''Berg''': 8:40! Firm arch support '''and''' emotional support. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': I never thought I'd say this, but-- Mr. Bauer makes sense. (Berg looks confused.) Not that we're '''pods'''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We're gonna have to be-- : '''Pete''': No, no-no-no, don't say it! : '''Berg''': --mature. : '''Pete''': Oh, there, you said it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I got stamps. ''Legends of the Rodeo'': a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era. : '''Pete''': What's wrong with you? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Thanks a lot! I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go turn him into a husband! : '''Berg''': We were being mature! : '''Sharon''': Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game === : '''Melissa''': Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead. : '''Sharon''': Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': We're playing the Bulls! : '''Berg''': The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team. <hr width="50%" /> (Sharon just found out about the stolen banner) : '''Berg''': She knows. : '''Pete''': She does? : '''Berg''': Act dumb. : '''Pete''': "We ''are'' dumb. (They go over to Sharon) : '''Sharon''': Are you guys nuts? : '''Berg''': I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels. : '''Pete''': What seems to be the problem, ma'am? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment === : '''Berg''': So what am I supposed to do? : '''Sharon''': Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg. : '''Berg''': No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her? : '''Pete''': You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I'm leaning towards Max Larson. : '''Berg''': No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows. : '''Sharon''': So? He likes his privacy. : '''Berg''': Yes, because he's a serial killer! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team === : '''Pete''': Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place. : '''Bill''': Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses. : '''Pete''': But they made the headlines. : '''Bill''': For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': All right girls, let's hit the cages. : '''Bunny''': Oh, I don't feel like dancing. : '''Sharon''': The batting cages. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You expect me to play with a team of chicks? : '''Madeleine''': Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College. : '''Leanne''': I play for Florida State. : '''Bunny''': And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop. : '''Sharon''': Even pitcher? : '''Berg''': Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery === : '''Pete''': Who are you to tell me what I need? : '''Berg''': I'm your doctor. : '''Pete''': You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Where do I meet this rebound girl? : '''Berg''': I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you? <hr width"50%"/> : '''Berg''': ''(to Pete)'' Where you going? : '''Pete''': To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar? : '''Berg''': Don't make me get my anatomy book. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Party === : '''Bill''': I thought your birthday was in May. : '''Pete''': Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I think I really like her. : '''Pete''': Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet? : '''Berg''': And what is up with that?!? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bethany''': I wouldn't miss it for anything. : '''Berg''': Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold? : '''Bethany''': I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant. : '''Berg''': I love a girl with a plan. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30? : '''Berg''': You get better presents. : '''Pete''': I don't want to be 30. : '''Berg''': Act your age. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter === : '''Pete''': You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg. : '''Berg''': Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side! : '''Pete''': I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Why aren't you at work. : '''Sharon''': It's toxic Awareness day? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't just jump into spontanaeity === Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery === : '''Pete''': I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal. : '''Berg''': I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women. : '''Sharon''': Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'. : '''Berg''': They have an excellent wine list. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use? : '''Isabella''': My naked body. : '''Berg''': Really? Because we need our apartment painted. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics. : '''Pete''': Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session. : '''Berg''': That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage. : '''Berg''': I never...want to forget you said that. === Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met === : '''Pete''': This girl is a nightmare. : '''Berg''': She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her. : '''Pete''': Me too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled. : '''Berg''': Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': After you have a drink with us. : '''Sharon''': I can't drink. : '''Berg''': Then why are you in college? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon? : '''Berg''': She's Sharon. : '''Bill''': What's that got to do with anything? : '''Berg''': Pete, explain it. : '''Pete''': She's Sharon. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major. : '''Pete''': Russian Economics. : '''Berg''': Phew, glad that's over with. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord === == Season 2 == === Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better === : '''Berg''': See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together. <hr width="50%" /> (Holding up a dress.) : '''Sharon''': What about this one? : '''Pete''': Hooker. : '''Sharon''': High class or street? : '''Pete''': Jerry Springer. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': See something you like? : '''Ashley''': Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': All they do is study, they're pathetic. : '''Pete''': Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face. : '''Berg''': Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet. : '''Sharon''': True, but we're number one at it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more. : '''Berg''': Or, find out who is number one and take them down. : '''Pete''': Yes, you're maturing nicely <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number. : '''Girl''': No you can't. : '''Berg''': Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan! : '''Berg''': You're enjoying this, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Does it show? <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation=== : '''Pete''': You da Bomb! : '''Sharon''': Where did he learn that?! : '''Berg''': I just, don't know! <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo === : '''Pete''': Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life. : '''Berg''': He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What is wrong with you? : '''Sharon''': I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley, what are you doing here? : '''Ashley''': Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them. : '''Pete''': You didn’t make the window again, huh? : '''Sharon''': No, third row. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': What happened to your hand? : '''Berg''': I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime. : '''Sharon''': That’s the best you could come up with? : '''Berg''': It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party. : '''Pete''': Don’t tell me you slept with her. : '''Berg''': Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Nicole''': Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed. : '''Berg''': Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it? : '''Nicole''': No. : '''Berg''': ‘Hinden’? : '''Nicole''': I’m not touching it. : '''Berg''': ‘Whoopi Gold’? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Holy incompatability, Batman. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming === : '''Tim''': I’m a stock broker now. : '''Pete''': You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg this is heaven. : '''Berg''': I always knew heaven would have an open bar! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Unlike you I’m proud of what I do. : '''Tommy''': You’re not happy being a stripper? : '''Johnny''': Tommy! : '''Sharon''': You told him I was a stripper? : '''Tommy''': Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': And when it rains he gives me his jacket. : '''Deb''': Rick gives me his jacket too. : '''Sharon''': Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you remember life before the luxury box? : '''Berg''': Only vaguely. === Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective === : '''Pete''': Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park! : '''Berg''': You know in real life it’s much bigger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions? : '''Pete''': Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox? : '''Sharon''': Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.) === Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween === === Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship === : '''Berg''': How was your first shift without me? : '''Ashley''': Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding === : '''Pete''': Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I already have a tux. : '''Berg''': Of course for the jukebox repairman awards. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy? : '''Berg''': I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a… : '''Berg''': You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash? : '''Ashley''': No Berg, I have a boyfriend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles. : '''Sharon''': Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me. : '''Berg''': Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you? === Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford === : '''Sharon''': You waltzed with her? : '''Pete''': And a couple of tangos. : '''Sharon''': And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You make me feel, you make me feel… : '''Berg''': Like dancing? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley! Ashley! : '''Ashley's neighbour:''' Will you shut up? : '''Berg''': Do you mind? This is a private conversation. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving === : '''Sharon''': Wow. Thanksgiving at my place. : '''Johnny''': Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better. : '''Sharon''': I have to cook? : '''Pete''': (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal === === Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation === : '''Sharon''': I can't retake freshman English again! : '''Pete''': Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.' ''(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this. : '''Pete''': (chuckling) We never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She must never find out what happened that day. : '''Pete''': And she never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': ''[imitating Robin Leach]'' What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze. : '''Berg'''': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college.... === Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day === : '''Berg''': (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out. : '''Sharon''': Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Shaun''': That reminds me, I'd better get out of these clothes before the mud dries and they have to hose me off. : '''Berg''': (laughing) There are so many wonderful things about THAT sentence. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off. : '''Shaun''': Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time. : '''Berg''': (confused) We did? (Shaun kisses Berg), Hey look at that, we did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You see? This woman is shameless -- shameless, wearing sexy dresses and making me special food. : '''Pete''': You're right. You're right. If she tries to make Johnny any more jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Unless you learn to be happy for them it's just going to eat away at you until you become an angry, bitter yet incredibly beautiful woman. === Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1) === : '''Berg''': Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered. : '''Vanita''': Read the little print : '''Berg''': Re-built in 1994 === Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2) === : '''Ashley''': I hate you! : '''Berg''': I despise you! : '''Ashley''': I loathe you! : '''Berg''': I'can get us a room! : '''Ashley''': I can drive! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship! : '''Ashley''': I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Vanita''': Come on, we're all adults here. : '''Berg''': No, you're pretty much the only one. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter === : '''Sharon''': I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg. : '''Ashley''': Well, why do you think I'm here? : '''Sharon''': According to the Bible, to balance good. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you. : '''Ashley''': I see they left behind a munchkin. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key. : '''Sharon''': Me too. : '''Pete''': What were you gonna do? : '''Sharon''': Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You? : '''Pete''': I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser. : '''Sharon''': Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that. : '''Pete''': He's my best friend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, how did you get in here? : '''Ashley''': Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack. : '''Pete''': A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': If you're gonna wait, wait over there. : '''Ashley''': Fine. : '''Pete''': Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day === === Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies === : '''Sharon''': Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about? : '''Pete''': Do you have an interest in witchcraft? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Ashley I like your perfume. : '''Ashley''': Thanks Pete. : '''Pete''': What is it? Brimstone? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1) === : '''Ashley''': The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.” <hr width="50%" /> ''(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)'' : '''Berg''': How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?! : '''Pete''': I know, I feel terrible about Johnny… : '''Berg''': I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming. : '''Berg''': Damn! Stall! : '''Ashley''': Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out) : '''Pete''': She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray. <hr width="50%" /> ''(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)'' : '''Berg''': Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s in love with Johnny. : '''Berg''': Who says she can’t be in love with you too? : '''Pete''': You! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend. : '''Ashley''': And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship? : '''Berg''': Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes. : '''Berg''': So what, you changed your mind before the wedding? : '''Ashley''': No. : '''Berg''': Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You’re going to propose? : '''Johnny''': Yeah. : '''Berg''': Do you know all her family lost their money? : '''Johnny''': I don’t care. : '''Berg''': Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney? : '''Johnny''': I love her. : '''Berg''': Congratulations! Her family is loaded! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass! : '''Johnny''': You two are going to kick my ass? : '''Pete''': We have friends. == Season 3 == === A New Hope (2) === === Au Revoir Pizza Place === : '''Sharon''': Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.' : '''Pete''': Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about. : '''Sharon''': Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory. : '''Johnny''': Good luck finding a card for that. === Teacher's Pet Peeve === : '''Ashley''': What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny? : '''Pete''': You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon. : '''Berg''': Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley patched it up for me. : '''Dr. Peel''': Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly? : '''Berg''': Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete. <hr width="50%" /> : '''PA Announcement''': Dr. Bergen report to the OR. : '''Berg''': If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save. : '''PA Announcement''': And bring a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing? : '''Berg''': But, you don't have any of the other residents do that. : '''Dr. Peel''': No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before? : '''Pete''': No. : '''Ashley''': Huh, interesting timing <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard! === Career Day === === Sunday in the Apartment === : '''Pete''': This is really important to me. I’m making good money now. : '''Johnny''': Money isn’t everything. : '''Pete''': Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table. : '''Pete''': Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks. : '''Ashley''': Where’s Irene? : '''Pete''': I ditched her at the theatre. === Halloween 2: Mind Over Body === : '''Berg''' (holding up dishes): Brains; eyeballs. : '''Sharon''': Berg, you work at a hospital. You couldn't have gotten real eyeballs? : '''Berg''': Well, I tried, but a blind kid beat me to 'em. <hr width="50%" /> ''(screaming is heard outside the door, Pete opens the door and sees Irene)'' : '''Pete''': Irene, you were screaming! : '''Irene''': Oh, yeah, I must have been thinking out loud. Guess what I am. : '''Ashley''': A danger to yourself. === Berg's New Roommate === === Foul Play === === Talking Turkey === === Liver and Learn === === A Moving Script === === Out with the Old === : '''Pete''': This century's gonna suck! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know. : '''Irene''': (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats! === Bridesmaid Revisited === === The Monitor Story === === The Wedding Dress === : '''Sharon''': When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things. : '''Pete''': Well . . . you have Johnny. <hr width="50%" /> (Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal) : '''Johnny''': How many years of school have you had? : '''Ashley''': A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school. : '''Johnny''': And yet you are going to die in a sink. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at all the women I'm not going to marry. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Quick! Do something! : '''Berg''': What? : '''Sharon''': Throw Pete through the window! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': You would look great if you showed up in overalls. : '''Sharon''': Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you. : '''Berg''': Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing. === A Rookie Script === : '''Berg''': I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight? : '''Pete''': I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Germ''': Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day? : '''Pete''': I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everything has to go. : '''Berg''': But what if butt ugly comes back into style? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Ashley has a new boyfriend? : '''Berg''': Who is he? : '''Irene''': I don't know. : '''Berg''': Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie! : '''Irene''': Oh, thank you! : '''Ashley''': Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too) : '''Berg''': Oh, and she's just a little creepy! === Feast or Fireman === : '''Berg''': Pete, what are you doing here? : '''Pete''': I just had a physical. : '''Ashley''': So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you. : '''Sharon''': I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening. : '''Ashley''': That’s the Demerol. : '''Berg''': Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.” : '''Germ''': Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown. : '''Pete''': I’m going to be a fireman. : '''Berg''': Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school. : '''Ashley''': My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections. : '''Berg''': Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it. === Once Again From the Beginning === : '''Berg''': Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.' : '''Pete''': And he wrote that in only two days. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards. : '''Berg''': She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway. : '''Pete''': You can't prove he didn't <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You are so funny, is it the celibacy? : '''Pete''': That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Hey, what's going on? : '''Pete''': I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders? === War Stories === === Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette === === Love Shack === === Another Moving Script === : '''Berg''': (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room! === The Undercard === === El Matrimonio Loco === : '''Ashley''': Where's your idiot roommate? : '''Berg''': The village recalled him. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, everything I have to say to you, I can say with one finger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Excuse me Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance : '''Johnny''': OK, Irene, this is really not a good time. : '''Irene''': But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in the lease agreement. It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building and Pete's girlfriend is a whore. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (to Pete and Berg) Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen...can we just get on with THEIR wedding? I mean, uh, we'll marry you guys later -- when it's legal. == Season 4 == === The Bear === : '''Irene''': All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed : '''Berg''': You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene? : '''Irene''': Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Good morning. : '''Berg''': Good morning. : '''Irene''': You want breakfast? : '''Berg''': No thank you. : '''Irene''': You want to get the hell out of my bed? : '''Berg''': Yes please. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are. : '''Irene''': Because of Pete? : '''Berg''': Sure. why not. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I came down to change your bandages. : '''Pete''': Why, do they need changing? : '''Ashley''': No I just need cheering up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Don’t you’ll make me cry. : '''Sharon''': Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump! === Meat === : '''Ashley''': (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon. : '''Germ''': I don't have the address. : '''Pete''': Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there. === 15 Minutes of Shame === === The Satanic Curses === '''Berg:''' Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other. '''Berg:''' Pete and Marty just broke up. '''Irene:''' Get out! '''Berg:''' Serious! '''Irene:''' No,no! GET OUT! === A Germ Runs Through It === : '''Germ''': (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know. : '''Ashley''': Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If you are about done I could use a break. : '''Ashley''': How many times have you told Irene that? : '''Berg''': I really wish you would stop making jokes about it. : '''Ashley''': And how many times have you told Irene that? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': OK, you've had your fun now get off me. : '''Berg''': Boy does that bring back memories. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days. : '''Carpenter''': I'm sorry, is he disabled? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in. : '''Sharon''': Well dig him up, you need help. === The One Without Dialogue === === Disco Nights === === My Dinner with Irene === : '''Irene''': Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you : '''Pete''': I can honestly say I didn't see this coming : '''Sharon''': (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend. : '''Johnny''': My wife is on a date with another woman. : '''Berg''': Sweet. : '''Johnny''': So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together? : '''Berg''': No, I didn't want to ruin their date : '''Johnny''': Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants. : '''Ashley''': And the forks are for eating, not scratching. : '''Johnny''': How could you stand being around Ashley? : '''Berg''': She let me sleep with her. : '''Pete''': I don't think I'll be good company tonight. : '''Irene''': You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company. : '''Pete''': You're picturing that right now, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do : '''Irene''': Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things! : '''Sharon''': I can take care of myself. : '''Johnny''': Yes but you just don't. : '''Johnny''': I always thought you and Irene made a better couple. : '''Berg''': Really? : '''Johnny''': Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her. : '''Berg''': What's that? : '''Pete''': Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!" === Drip === : '''Pete''': What the hell are you doing in my bed? : '''Berg''': (sarcastically) Jogging. : '''Pete''': Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is. <hr width="50%"/> : (Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed) : '''Berg''': Hello : '''Ashley''': Uh, Who is this? : '''Berg''': Well you called me, who do you think? : '''Ashley''': Berg!? : '''Berg''': Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No! : '''Ashley''': Berg, What are you doing in my apartment? : '''Berg''': I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers. : '''Johnny''': Are you making fun of my parents? === Rescue Me === : (Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home) : '''Johnny''': (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7. <hr width="50%"/> : (Johnny points a camera at Pete) : '''Pete''': Where did you get that thing anyway? : '''Johnny''': I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife. : '''Sharon''': Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny) : '''Berg''': How can you afford it? : '''Sharon''': Go on. Tell 'em honey. : '''Johnny''': I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays. : '''Berg''': (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Ashley, you can't leave like this. : '''Ashley''': Okay, well thank you Johnny. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share. : '''Ashley''': (putting down some money) Fine. Here. : '''Johnny''': Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine. : '''Ashley''': Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking? : '''Berg''': Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows. : '''Pete''': Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice. : '''Berg''': Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket. : '''Pete''': Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess. : '''Johnny''': Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice. : (Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice) : '''Pete''': Great, now your wallet's out there. : '''Johnny''': Alright I need a stick. : '''Berg''': I don't think a stick's going to reach that. : '''Johnny''': No, to hit Pete. === Burning Down the House === : (Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley) : '''Berg''': So... Stanley...What do you do for a living? : '''Stanley''': I teach high school English. : '''Berg''': That's very respectable. Where do you live? : '''Stanley''': Over on Newberry. : '''Berg''': Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive? : '''Stanley''': I have a minivan. :'''Berg''': Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire. : '''Pete''': Oh really, Where were you last night? : '''Johnny''': I was at my Mother's. : '''Pete''': Your mother's? What were you doing there? : '''Johnny''': Drinking : '''Pete''': Drinking at your Mother's house. : '''Johnny''': She's hard to take. : '''Pete''': So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story. : '''Johnny''': Who? : '''Pete''': Your Mom? : '''Johnny''': What are you doing with my Mom's phone number? <hr width="50%"/> === Give Mommy a Kiss === : '''Sharon''': (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down. : '''Johnny''': (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery. : '''Sharon''': Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there. : '''Sharon''': Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need? : '''Johnny''': No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite. : (Johnny grabs the phone) : '''Johnny''': Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny. : (Johnny puts the phone down) : '''Johnny''': (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section : '''Ashley''': (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar. : '''Johnny''': Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault. : '''Ashley''': Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact. : '''Johnny''': You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock. : '''Ashley''': Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that? : '''Johnny''': I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'. : '''Ashley''': Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce. : '''Johnny''': No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me. : '''Ashley''': I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial channel. The merger went through you doubled your money. : '''Johnny''': Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me? : '''Ashley''': I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. You're a rich man Johnny. === I've Got a Secret === === The Aftermath === : '''Irene''': How could you do this to Berg? : '''Pete''': If anyone, I thought you would understand. : '''Irene''': Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch : '''Pete''': Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal. <hr width="50%" /> === An Eye for a Finger === === A Few Good Firemen === : '''Ashley''': Germ, I demand you retake this picture! ... Can you help me? : '''Germ''': No! It's a camera, not the hand of God! <hr width="50%" /> === Adventures of Captain Karma === : '''Ashley''': Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me. : '''Pete''': If you were anyone else maybe I would be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I told Irene that I love her. : '''Pete''': Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I hate romantic comedies. : '''Ashley''': Why? Your whole love life is a joke. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': We are going to a business mixer tonight. : '''Johnny''': I don't want to go to a business mixer. : '''Sharon''': Sorry, I meant 'free booze.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen! : '''Berg''': And you're...someone who knows me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did. === Make Mine Tea === : '''Pete''': You said wear black. : '''Sharon''': I said wear something that blends in. : '''Pete''': This does blend, I am the night! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here. : '''Ashley''': What was that? : '''Berg''': 'Shut up Ashley.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Who was that? : '''Berg''': Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music? === The Love Boat === : '''Ashley''': Would you do me a favor? : '''Pete''': Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Why don't you ask Pete? : '''Ashley''': What if he already has plans? (Both burst out laughing at the idea.) === The Icewoman Cometh === : '''Ashley''': I need to talk to you. : '''Pete''': Can't you come back when I'm not here? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Today I almost died. : '''Ashley''': Underachiever. === Should I Stay or Should I Go? === : '''Ashley''': Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed. : '''Pete''': You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before. : '''Pete''': Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Roger''': My insides are something special. : '''Berg''': Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass. : '''Pete''': OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I wasn't exactly popular in high school. : '''Pete''': Really? : '''Ashley''': People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I never knew you'd be such a good lover. : '''Pete''': Yeah and imagine me with a good partner. : '''Ashley''': Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner. === The Internet Show === : '''Pete''': Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete I need a favour. : '''Pete''': Sure. : '''Berg''': Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine? : '''Pete''': Why, are we out? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I am definitely not pregnant. : '''Johnny''': How do you know? : '''Ashley''': Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not. : '''Johnny''': That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Oh, so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill. : '''Pete''': What?! : '''Johnny''': Easy! She isn’t pregnant. : '''Pete''': How do you know? : '''Johnny''': She says she doesn’t want to be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I’m not pregnant! : '''Johnny''': If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy. == Cast == * [[Ryan Reynolds]] - Doctor Michael Eugene Leslie 'Berg' Bergen * [[w:Traylor Howard|Traylor Howard]] - Sharon Donnelly (née Carter) * [[w:Richard Ruccolo|Richard Ruccolo]] - Peter 'Pete' Dunville * [[w:Nathan Fillion|Nathan Fillion]] - Johnny Donnelly * [[w:Susanne Cryer|Susanne Cryer]] - Doctor Ashley Walker * [[w:Jillian Bach|Jillian Bach]] - Irene == External links == {{wikipedia|Two Guys and a Girl}} * {{imdb title|0137330}} [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] 10o1s835yeizgx03cdzwvinvve4y586 3155789 3155782 2022-08-18T08:15:35Z 98.146.179.146 /* Halloween 2: Mind Over Body */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{tv-cleanup|2007-02-13}} '''''[[w:Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place|Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place]]''''' (1998-2001), later [[w:Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys and a Girl]], was a sitcom based around [[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon Carter]], [[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Peter Dunville]] (Pete) and [[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Michael Bergen]] (Berg) and their lives after college. Season 2 onwards also featured the characters [[w:Johnny Donnelly (Two Guys and a Girl)|Johnny Donnelly]], [[w:Ashley Walker (Two Guys and a Girl)|Ashley Walker]] and [[w:Irene (Two Guys and a Girl)|Irene]], who arrived as love interests for the three main characters and gradually became part of the main ensemble. == Season 1 == === Pilot === : '''[[w:Michael Bergen (Two Guys and a Girl)|Berg]]''': Why can't you just let me be happy? : '''[[w:Peter Dunville (Two Guys and a Girl)|Pete]]''': Because it's not fair to the rest of us! <hr width="50%" /> : '''[[w:Sharon Carter (Two Guys and a Girl)|Sharon]]''': What's up with him? : '''Berg''': He's breaking up with Melissa. : '''Sharon''': Good. : '''Pete''': What? I thought you liked her. : '''Sharon''': I lied! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together! : '''Pete''': And?! : '''Berg''': And she never wants to see you again! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today. : '''Pete''': Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be '''Philosophy''' majors. : '''Berg''': It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book! : '''Berg''': That's the wonder of me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh? : '''Pete''': I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today. : '''Berg''': Oh, boy! We have to be at work at '''three'''? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong. : '''Berg''': Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Alright, you can't tell anyone. : '''Berg''': As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry. : '''Berg''': You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this ''feisty'' young girl from Wisconsin! : '''Bill''': Don't talk into the food. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't do this with you guys ''leering.'' : '''Berg''': I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work. : '''Berg''': This is harmless. : '''Bill''': Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, ''huh, I'm a goner!'' Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do? : '''Pete''': You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!) : '''Mr. Bauer''': I shot the '''tank'''! And the shark '''blew up'''! : '''Melissa''': You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer. : '''Pete''': Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer. : '''Mr. Bauer''': (laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': Hey, Berg, what have you done to him? : '''Berg''': Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he '''shouldn't''' break up with you! : '''Pete''': '''No!''' : '''Melissa''': I don't believe you! : '''Pete''': No, I '''wasn't'''! He's '''evil'''! : '''Melissa''': He may be evil, but at least he's honest! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Melissa''': In ten years from now, when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your ''hair transplants'', remember: you had a good thing here, and you blew it. ''Women's softball team whoops and cheers.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I don't believe it, she broke up with me! I just got dumped. : '''Bill''': Hee hee, boy did you ever! And in front of everybody, too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love. : '''Sharon''': You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart! : '''Bill''': Absolutely right. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, I'm motivated! : '''Bill''': Yes, you are. : '''Sharon''': I'm a people person! : '''Bill''': I got to go back and count my pepperonis. : '''Sharon''': I am! Aren't I, Berg? : '''Berg''': Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you. : '''Sharon''': Hey! : '''Berg''': No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Jeez, you two fight like a couple of broads! ''Kick his ass'', Pete! : '''Pete''': I can't, he's wearing my shirt. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Mr. Bauer''': You know, I was in love once. We shared a flat in France. Then the war came, all hell broke loose. Somehow I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub and she walked back into my life. But by then she was married. Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane! : '''Berg''': It's okay, Mr. Bauer. You'll always have Paris. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 7.48: having used eight '''hundred times''' the normal daily recommended dose, now experiencing a side effect of feeling extremely honest and, uh, forthright. ''I've never been more afraid in my life.'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I did a bad thing. : '''Pete''': Who, Berg? Who did you do a bad thing to? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Customer''': Hey, can I see a menu? : '''Sharon''': It's a '''pizza place!''' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': There's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis, out of the womb, snip. Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk! Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete! Enjoy it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': That's why you have me. : '''Pete''': Are you gonna have my children? : '''Berg''': There '''is''' an experiment at M.I.T. next week. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg, what do you think's gonna happen to Sharon? : '''Berg''': I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids-- : '''Sharon''': (banging on window) Get your butts back in here! : '''Berg''': (fondly) --take over Cuba! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation === : '''Berg''': Med-School is all about love and toys. : '''Pete''': As long as you're in it for the right reasons. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': What are you doing? I thought you were studying. : '''Berg''': I am. : '''Pete''': You're watching General Hospital! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete. : '''Sharon''': Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder! : '''Berg''': Don't be mad at Pete! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, I gotta tell you-- : '''Pete''': No, don't tell me now, I'm busy. : '''Berg''': Busy? The cat's in the cradle, Pete. Before you know it I'll be all grown up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Most architects, when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints. ''I'' am going to have a 12,000 square-foot resume. : '''Berg''': Man! You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a manila envelope. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Socrates, meet Guy With Removable Brain! Removable Brain, meet Pete! : '''Pete''': Nice haircut! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': You know, Ellen and I always dreamed of having a son who becomes a doctor. : '''Pete''': Bill. What about an architect? : '''Bill''': Hey, I've already got a building. I need free medical! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You have an ethical duty to tell the truth. : '''Pete''': Sharon, you work for a ''chemical company'' - you have no ethics! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Wait, you're not actually going to listen to him?! : '''Sharon''': Well... : '''Pete''': Wait, this is Berg! The same guy who wanted to put a Bat-Pole between our apartments! : '''Sharon''': Yeah... But now he's a doctor! : '''Pete''': He's '''not''' a doctor! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Am I the only one who knows what's going on here? : '''Mr. Bauer''': You are not alone, my friend! I was once the favorite, everyone looked up to me, and then along came the new kid on the block - Buzz Lightyear! Showing off all his fancy gadgets to all my friends; I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete? ''Mr. Bauer slumps over. Berg walks past and pulls an imaginary pull-string on his back, and he straightens up again.'' : '''Mr. Bauer''': And then! : '''Pete''': Oh, God! : '''Mr. Bauer''': What do you know, I get thrown in the toy-box along with Potato Head and Slinky Dog. Huh! ''To Infinity and Beyond'' my ass! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': 5.46: My roommate has just ingested four ''hundred times'' the daily dosage in just under twenty seconds. This will most likely be fatal. (Turns voice recorder off, then on again.) For me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Listen, I might have poisoned my friend, and I need to know the side-effects. Yeah, it's a medical emergency. Hold- no, don't put me on hold! Don't put me on-- (singing) #and away! In my beautiful, beautiful... ''balloon''!# <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and... I'm sorry? He may become ''delusional''? Well, what the hell kind of side-effect is ''delusional''!? Haven't you people ever heard of diarrhea? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay, um, you're welcome. I mean, thanks. I mean, thanks for welcoming me. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': You're welcome. : '''Pete''': Thanks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My intent was to accent the axial design with a more modern mininilism-- More modern mimilist-- Sorry! Um, a more minilist-- Well, just new and simple! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Okay. (throwing his cards in the air and gesturing wildly) I see-- I see ''huge'', crazy shapes! Right, and-and-and a giant-- a giant Jack-in-the-Box! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': A Jack-in-the-Box?! : '''Pete''': Yeah! Yeah, a giant Jack-in-the-Box, th-th-that'll pop up and great the visitors, it-it's coned head swaying two storeys high! And, oh! And it'll say something like, like, "Ha-ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Mr. Dunville has accidentally ingested a medication which is causing the delusional behaviour you're witnessing. : '''Pete''': I don't even know this guy, but look at the excitement that the Jack-in-the-Box is causing! It's ''infectious''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You drank my alergesic medication. You're sweating, you're stammering, you're ''delusional''! : '''Pete''': You don't know what I'm talking about, Berg, I'm just a little nervous. : '''Berg''': Oh yeah? Then what kind of museum has a huge... '''Jack-in-the-Box'''? And ''stupid'' voices going, "Ha-ha! Hello, Boys and Girls!" : '''Pete''': A '''Children's''' Museum? : '''Berg''': ...what? : '''Pete''': This is for a ''Children's'' Museum, Berg. : '''Berg''': Ohh! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So, ''I'm'' the one who's delusional! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Thank God(!) I thought it was me(!) <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Sharon, he's ruining my presentation! (Turning to the panel.) He's ruining my presentation! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Yes, we're ''all'' aware of that. : '''Sharon''': (grabbing Berg's arm and leading him out.) We'll be going. : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Are you sure you don't want to spin plates as a finale? : '''Sharon''': Listen, pal, I've had a ''really'' bad day! : '''"Mr. Sulu"''': Join the club! : '''Sharon''': Hey, you want a piece of me, huh? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Makes Star Trek noises into voice recorder and does Captain Kirk impression) Captain's Log, Stardate 644.1: The... Klingons have surrounded us and are attempting to board the Enterprise. Kirk Out. (To panel) Mr. Sulu, take us to Warp Factor 8. Chekov! Nice dress. : '''Sharon''': Berg! : '''Berg''': Klingons! (To Pete) Bones! : '''Pete''': Idiot! : '''Sharon''': Berg, get out here, right now! : '''Berg''': Scotty! Beam. Me. Up. Now! (To room) Wait here! I'll send help. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I screwed up big time. : '''Pete''': Finally! An accurate diagnosis. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': You're scared because you might finally care about something. : '''Berg''': Then why do I screw up? : '''Pete''': Because you're ''Berg''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': When you're a big, famous surgeon look me up. I'll be the guy in Reno designing trailer parks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': "Mr. Sulu" called last night. You got the job. : '''Pete''': I got the job? How can that be? : '''Berg''': It's right here: ''Loved your designs. Hate your friends.'' : '''Pete''': How come you didn't tell me they called last night? : '''Berg''': Well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': (Doing a Captain Kirk impression while talking to a skeleton) Bones! Talk to me, Bones. You've... got to say something... we've... shared so much. It's me, Jim, your... comrade, your... Captain, your friend. We've... got to talk about this. Show some... backbone, man! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy === : '''Pete''': (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack". <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Guys' night out. : '''Sharon''': I'm a guy! : '''Berg''': You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!" : '''Bill''': Exercising the First Amendment. : '''Berg''': When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie." : '''Bill''': What does Sharon do? : '''Pete''': Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!" <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg, no more medical experiments. : '''Berg''': Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch. : '''Pete''': Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is? : '''Berg''': (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps. : '''Pete''': Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Oh-ho-ho-kay! Trumpet swans, Big Brothers, '''soda'''? Come on! : '''Pete''': Don't let him suck you in! Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg? Berg, do you notice something different about our Sharon? : '''Berg''': No, nothing. Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I gotta get to work. : '''Berg''': Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse? : '''Pete''': Or House of Scarves. : '''Berg''': Scarf Depot! : '''Pete''': Jiffy Scarves! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg's Sneakers''': Nothing can stop you! You're a winner! : '''Berg''': 8:40! Firm arch support '''and''' emotional support. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': I never thought I'd say this, but-- Mr. Bauer makes sense. (Berg looks confused.) Not that we're '''pods'''! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': We're gonna have to be-- : '''Pete''': No, no-no-no, don't say it! : '''Berg''': --mature. : '''Pete''': Oh, there, you said it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I got stamps. ''Legends of the Rodeo'': a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era. : '''Pete''': What's wrong with you? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Thanks a lot! I had a perfectly good boyfriend and you guys had to go turn him into a husband! : '''Berg''': We were being mature! : '''Sharon''': Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game === : '''Melissa''': Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead. : '''Sharon''': Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': We're playing the Bulls! : '''Berg''': The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team. <hr width="50%" /> (Sharon just found out about the stolen banner) : '''Berg''': She knows. : '''Pete''': She does? : '''Berg''': Act dumb. : '''Pete''': "We ''are'' dumb. (They go over to Sharon) : '''Sharon''': Are you guys nuts? : '''Berg''': I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels. : '''Pete''': What seems to be the problem, ma'am? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment === : '''Berg''': So what am I supposed to do? : '''Sharon''': Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg. : '''Berg''': No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her? : '''Pete''': You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else. : '''Sharon''': Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I'm leaning towards Max Larson. : '''Berg''': No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows. : '''Sharon''': So? He likes his privacy. : '''Berg''': Yes, because he's a serial killer! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team === : '''Pete''': Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place. : '''Bill''': Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses. : '''Pete''': But they made the headlines. : '''Bill''': For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': All right girls, let's hit the cages. : '''Bunny''': Oh, I don't feel like dancing. : '''Sharon''': The batting cages. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You expect me to play with a team of chicks? : '''Madeleine''': Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College. : '''Leanne''': I play for Florida State. : '''Bunny''': And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop. : '''Sharon''': Even pitcher? : '''Berg''': Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery === : '''Pete''': Who are you to tell me what I need? : '''Berg''': I'm your doctor. : '''Pete''': You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Where do I meet this rebound girl? : '''Berg''': I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you? <hr width"50%"/> : '''Berg''': ''(to Pete)'' Where you going? : '''Pete''': To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you. <hr width"50%"/> : '''Pete''': Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar? : '''Berg''': Don't make me get my anatomy book. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Party === : '''Bill''': I thought your birthday was in May. : '''Pete''': Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I think I really like her. : '''Pete''': Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet? : '''Berg''': And what is up with that?!? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bethany''': I wouldn't miss it for anything. : '''Berg''': Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold? : '''Bethany''': I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant. : '''Berg''': I love a girl with a plan. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30? : '''Berg''': You get better presents. : '''Pete''': I don't want to be 30. : '''Berg''': Act your age. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter === : '''Pete''': You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg. : '''Berg''': Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side! : '''Pete''': I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Why aren't you at work. : '''Sharon''': It's toxic Awareness day? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can't just jump into spontanaeity === Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery === : '''Pete''': I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal. : '''Berg''': I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women. : '''Sharon''': Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'. : '''Berg''': They have an excellent wine list. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use? : '''Isabella''': My naked body. : '''Berg''': Really? Because we need our apartment painted. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics. : '''Pete''': Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session. : '''Berg''': That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage. : '''Berg''': I never...want to forget you said that. === Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met === : '''Pete''': This girl is a nightmare. : '''Berg''': She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her. : '''Pete''': Me too! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled. : '''Berg''': Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': After you have a drink with us. : '''Sharon''': I can't drink. : '''Berg''': Then why are you in college? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Bill''': Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon? : '''Berg''': She's Sharon. : '''Bill''': What's that got to do with anything? : '''Berg''': Pete, explain it. : '''Pete''': She's Sharon. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major. : '''Pete''': Russian Economics. : '''Berg''': Phew, glad that's over with. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord === == Season 2 == === Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better === : '''Berg''': See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together. <hr width="50%" /> (Holding up a dress.) : '''Sharon''': What about this one? : '''Pete''': Hooker. : '''Sharon''': High class or street? : '''Pete''': Jerry Springer. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': See something you like? : '''Ashley''': Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': All they do is study, they're pathetic. : '''Pete''': Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face. : '''Berg''': Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet. : '''Sharon''': True, but we're number one at it. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more. : '''Berg''': Or, find out who is number one and take them down. : '''Pete''': Yes, you're maturing nicely <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number. : '''Girl''': No you can't. : '''Berg''': Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan! : '''Berg''': You're enjoying this, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Does it show? <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation=== : '''Pete''': You da Bomb! : '''Sharon''': Where did he learn that?! : '''Berg''': I just, don't know! <hr width="50%" /> === Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo === : '''Pete''': Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life. : '''Berg''': He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What is wrong with you? : '''Sharon''': I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley, what are you doing here? : '''Ashley''': Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them. : '''Pete''': You didn’t make the window again, huh? : '''Sharon''': No, third row. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': What happened to your hand? : '''Berg''': I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime. : '''Sharon''': That’s the best you could come up with? : '''Berg''': It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party. : '''Pete''': Don’t tell me you slept with her. : '''Berg''': Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Nicole''': Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed. : '''Berg''': Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it? : '''Nicole''': No. : '''Berg''': ‘Hinden’? : '''Nicole''': I’m not touching it. : '''Berg''': ‘Whoopi Gold’? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?” <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Holy incompatability, Batman. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming === : '''Tim''': I’m a stock broker now. : '''Pete''': You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Berg this is heaven. : '''Berg''': I always knew heaven would have an open bar! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Unlike you I’m proud of what I do. : '''Tommy''': You’re not happy being a stripper? : '''Johnny''': Tommy! : '''Sharon''': You told him I was a stripper? : '''Tommy''': Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': And when it rains he gives me his jacket. : '''Deb''': Rick gives me his jacket too. : '''Sharon''': Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Do you remember life before the luxury box? : '''Berg''': Only vaguely. === Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective === : '''Pete''': Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park! : '''Berg''': You know in real life it’s much bigger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions? : '''Pete''': Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox? : '''Sharon''': Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.) === Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween === === Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship === : '''Berg''': How was your first shift without me? : '''Ashley''': Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding === : '''Pete''': Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I already have a tux. : '''Berg''': Of course for the jukebox repairman awards. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy? : '''Berg''': I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a… : '''Berg''': You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash? : '''Ashley''': No Berg, I have a boyfriend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles. : '''Sharon''': Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me. : '''Berg''': Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you? === Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford === : '''Sharon''': You waltzed with her? : '''Pete''': And a couple of tangos. : '''Sharon''': And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’ <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You make me feel, you make me feel… : '''Berg''': Like dancing? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Ashley! Ashley! : '''Ashley's neighbour:''' Will you shut up? : '''Berg''': Do you mind? This is a private conversation. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving === : '''Sharon''': Wow. Thanksgiving at my place. : '''Johnny''': Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better. : '''Sharon''': I have to cook? : '''Pete''': (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window! === Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble === === Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal === === Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation === : '''Sharon''': I can't retake freshman English again! : '''Pete''': Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.' ''(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this. : '''Pete''': (chuckling) We never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': She must never find out what happened that day. : '''Pete''': And she never will. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': ''[imitating Robin Leach]'' What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze. : '''Berg'''': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college.... === Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day === : '''Berg''': (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out. : '''Sharon''': Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Shaun''': That reminds me, I'd better get out of these clothes before the mud dries and they have to hose me off. : '''Berg''': (laughing) There are so many wonderful things about THAT sentence. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off. : '''Shaun''': Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time. : '''Berg''': (confused) We did? (Shaun kisses Berg), Hey look at that, we did. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You see? This woman is shameless -- shameless, wearing sexy dresses and making me special food. : '''Pete''': You're right. You're right. If she tries to make Johnny any more jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Unless you learn to be happy for them it's just going to eat away at you until you become an angry, bitter yet incredibly beautiful woman. === Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1) === : '''Berg''': Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered. : '''Vanita''': Read the little print : '''Berg''': Re-built in 1994 === Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2) === : '''Ashley''': I hate you! : '''Berg''': I despise you! : '''Ashley''': I loathe you! : '''Berg''': I'can get us a room! : '''Ashley''': I can drive! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship! : '''Ashley''': I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Vanita''': Come on, we're all adults here. : '''Berg''': No, you're pretty much the only one. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter === : '''Sharon''': I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg. : '''Ashley''': Well, why do you think I'm here? : '''Sharon''': According to the Bible, to balance good. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you. : '''Ashley''': I see they left behind a munchkin. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key. : '''Sharon''': Me too. : '''Pete''': What were you gonna do? : '''Sharon''': Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You? : '''Pete''': I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser. : '''Sharon''': Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that. : '''Pete''': He's my best friend. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, how did you get in here? : '''Ashley''': Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack. : '''Pete''': A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': If you're gonna wait, wait over there. : '''Ashley''': Fine. : '''Pete''': Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island. === Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day === === Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies === : '''Sharon''': Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about? : '''Pete''': Do you have an interest in witchcraft? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Oh Ashley I like your perfume. : '''Ashley''': Thanks Pete. : '''Pete''': What is it? Brimstone? === Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1) === : '''Ashley''': The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.” <hr width="50%" /> ''(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)'' : '''Berg''': How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?! : '''Pete''': I know, I feel terrible about Johnny… : '''Berg''': I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming. : '''Berg''': Damn! Stall! : '''Ashley''': Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out) : '''Pete''': She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray. <hr width="50%" /> ''(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)'' : '''Berg''': Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': She’s in love with Johnny. : '''Berg''': Who says she can’t be in love with you too? : '''Pete''': You! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend. : '''Ashley''': And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship? : '''Berg''': Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes. : '''Berg''': So what, you changed your mind before the wedding? : '''Ashley''': No. : '''Berg''': Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': You’re going to propose? : '''Johnny''': Yeah. : '''Berg''': Do you know all her family lost their money? : '''Johnny''': I don’t care. : '''Berg''': Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney? : '''Johnny''': I love her. : '''Berg''': Congratulations! Her family is loaded! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass! : '''Johnny''': You two are going to kick my ass? : '''Pete''': We have friends. == Season 3 == === A New Hope (2) === === Au Revoir Pizza Place === : '''Sharon''': Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.' : '''Pete''': Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about. : '''Sharon''': Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory. : '''Johnny''': Good luck finding a card for that. === Teacher's Pet Peeve === : '''Ashley''': What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny? : '''Pete''': You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon. : '''Berg''': Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley patched it up for me. : '''Dr. Peel''': Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly? : '''Berg''': Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete. <hr width="50%" /> : '''PA Announcement''': Dr. Bergen report to the OR. : '''Berg''': If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save. : '''PA Announcement''': And bring a mop. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Dr. Peel''': Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing? : '''Berg''': But, you don't have any of the other residents do that. : '''Dr. Peel''': No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before? : '''Pete''': No. : '''Ashley''': Huh, interesting timing <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard! === Career Day === === Sunday in the Apartment === : '''Pete''': This is really important to me. I’m making good money now. : '''Johnny''': Money isn’t everything. : '''Pete''': Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table. : '''Pete''': Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks. : '''Ashley''': Where’s Irene? : '''Pete''': I ditched her at the theatre. === Halloween 2: Mind Over Body === : '''Berg''' (holding up dishes): Brains; eyeballs. : '''Sharon''': Berg, you work at a hospital. You couldn't have gotten real eyeballs? : '''Berg''': Well, I tried, but a blind kid beat me to 'em. <hr width="50%" /> ''(screaming is heard outside the door, Pete opens the door and sees Irene)'' : '''Pete''': Irene, you were screaming! : '''Irene''': Oh, yeah, I must have been thinking out loud. Guess what I am. : '''Ashley''': A danger to yourself. <hr width="50%" /> ''(Ed and Johnny bring a cooler into the apartment) : '''Johnny''': Ok, just a little farther. Lucky I ran into you, you're a lifesaver. : '''Ed''': Oh, I'm a people person. ''(sets down cooler)'' You know, if you're going to freeze yourself, you're going to need a lot more dry ice than that. : '''Johnny''': No, it's for the punch bowl. : '''Ed''': Oh, then you're fine. : '''Johnny''': So, um, what do you do? : '''Ed''': I don't think you'd be interested, it's kind of cerebral. :'''Johnny''': I don't know, I'm a pretty open-minded person. :'''Ed''': Well, maybe I could come back later to pick your brain. === Berg's New Roommate === === Foul Play === === Talking Turkey === === Liver and Learn === === A Moving Script === === Out with the Old === : '''Pete''': This century's gonna suck! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know. : '''Irene''': (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats! === Bridesmaid Revisited === === The Monitor Story === === The Wedding Dress === : '''Sharon''': When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things. : '''Pete''': Well . . . you have Johnny. <hr width="50%" /> (Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal) : '''Johnny''': How many years of school have you had? : '''Ashley''': A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school. : '''Johnny''': And yet you are going to die in a sink. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Look at all the women I'm not going to marry. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Quick! Do something! : '''Berg''': What? : '''Sharon''': Throw Pete through the window! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': You would look great if you showed up in overalls. : '''Sharon''': Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you. : '''Berg''': Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing. === A Rookie Script === : '''Berg''': I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight? : '''Pete''': I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Germ''': Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day? : '''Pete''': I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Everything has to go. : '''Berg''': But what if butt ugly comes back into style? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Ashley has a new boyfriend? : '''Berg''': Who is he? : '''Irene''': I don't know. : '''Berg''': Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie! : '''Irene''': Oh, thank you! : '''Ashley''': Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too) : '''Berg''': Oh, and she's just a little creepy! === Feast or Fireman === : '''Berg''': Pete, what are you doing here? : '''Pete''': I just had a physical. : '''Ashley''': So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you. : '''Sharon''': I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening. : '''Ashley''': That’s the Demerol. : '''Berg''': Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.” : '''Germ''': Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown. : '''Pete''': I’m going to be a fireman. : '''Berg''': Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school. : '''Ashley''': My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections. : '''Berg''': Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it. === Once Again From the Beginning === : '''Berg''': Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.' : '''Pete''': And he wrote that in only two days. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards. : '''Berg''': She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway. : '''Pete''': You can't prove he didn't <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': You are so funny, is it the celibacy? : '''Pete''': That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Hey, what's going on? : '''Pete''': I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders? === War Stories === === Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette === === Love Shack === === Another Moving Script === : '''Berg''': (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room! === The Undercard === === El Matrimonio Loco === : '''Ashley''': Where's your idiot roommate? : '''Berg''': The village recalled him. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Berg, everything I have to say to you, I can say with one finger. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Excuse me Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance : '''Johnny''': OK, Irene, this is really not a good time. : '''Irene''': But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in the lease agreement. It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building and Pete's girlfriend is a whore. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Robert Goulet''': (to Pete and Berg) Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen...can we just get on with THEIR wedding? I mean, uh, we'll marry you guys later -- when it's legal. == Season 4 == === The Bear === : '''Irene''': All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed : '''Berg''': You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene? : '''Irene''': Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Irene''': Good morning. : '''Berg''': Good morning. : '''Irene''': You want breakfast? : '''Berg''': No thank you. : '''Irene''': You want to get the hell out of my bed? : '''Berg''': Yes please. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are. : '''Irene''': Because of Pete? : '''Berg''': Sure. why not. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I came down to change your bandages. : '''Pete''': Why, do they need changing? : '''Ashley''': No I just need cheering up. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Don’t you’ll make me cry. : '''Sharon''': Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump! === Meat === : '''Ashley''': (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon. : '''Germ''': I don't have the address. : '''Pete''': Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there. === 15 Minutes of Shame === === The Satanic Curses === '''Berg:''' Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other. '''Berg:''' Pete and Marty just broke up. '''Irene:''' Get out! '''Berg:''' Serious! '''Irene:''' No,no! GET OUT! === A Germ Runs Through It === : '''Germ''': (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know. : '''Ashley''': Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': If you are about done I could use a break. : '''Ashley''': How many times have you told Irene that? : '''Berg''': I really wish you would stop making jokes about it. : '''Ashley''': And how many times have you told Irene that? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': OK, you've had your fun now get off me. : '''Berg''': Boy does that bring back memories. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days. : '''Carpenter''': I'm sorry, is he disabled? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in. : '''Sharon''': Well dig him up, you need help. === The One Without Dialogue === === Disco Nights === === My Dinner with Irene === : '''Irene''': Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you : '''Pete''': I can honestly say I didn't see this coming : '''Sharon''': (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend. : '''Johnny''': My wife is on a date with another woman. : '''Berg''': Sweet. : '''Johnny''': So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together? : '''Berg''': No, I didn't want to ruin their date : '''Johnny''': Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants. : '''Ashley''': And the forks are for eating, not scratching. : '''Johnny''': How could you stand being around Ashley? : '''Berg''': She let me sleep with her. : '''Pete''': I don't think I'll be good company tonight. : '''Irene''': You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company. : '''Pete''': You're picturing that right now, aren't you? : '''Pete''': Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do : '''Irene''': Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things! : '''Sharon''': I can take care of myself. : '''Johnny''': Yes but you just don't. : '''Johnny''': I always thought you and Irene made a better couple. : '''Berg''': Really? : '''Johnny''': Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her. : '''Berg''': What's that? : '''Pete''': Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!" === Drip === : '''Pete''': What the hell are you doing in my bed? : '''Berg''': (sarcastically) Jogging. : '''Pete''': Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is. <hr width="50%"/> : (Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed) : '''Berg''': Hello : '''Ashley''': Uh, Who is this? : '''Berg''': Well you called me, who do you think? : '''Ashley''': Berg!? : '''Berg''': Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No! : '''Ashley''': Berg, What are you doing in my apartment? : '''Berg''': I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers. : '''Johnny''': Are you making fun of my parents? === Rescue Me === : (Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home) : '''Johnny''': (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7. <hr width="50%"/> : (Johnny points a camera at Pete) : '''Pete''': Where did you get that thing anyway? : '''Johnny''': I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife. : '''Sharon''': Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny) : '''Berg''': How can you afford it? : '''Sharon''': Go on. Tell 'em honey. : '''Johnny''': I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays. : '''Berg''': (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Ashley, you can't leave like this. : '''Ashley''': Okay, well thank you Johnny. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share. : '''Ashley''': (putting down some money) Fine. Here. : '''Johnny''': Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine. : '''Ashley''': Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any. : '''Berg''': Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sharon''': Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking? : '''Berg''': Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows. : '''Pete''': Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Pete''': (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice. : '''Berg''': Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket. : '''Pete''': Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess. : '''Johnny''': Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice. : (Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice) : '''Pete''': Great, now your wallet's out there. : '''Johnny''': Alright I need a stick. : '''Berg''': I don't think a stick's going to reach that. : '''Johnny''': No, to hit Pete. === Burning Down the House === : (Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley) : '''Berg''': So... Stanley...What do you do for a living? : '''Stanley''': I teach high school English. : '''Berg''': That's very respectable. Where do you live? : '''Stanley''': Over on Newberry. : '''Berg''': Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive? : '''Stanley''': I have a minivan. :'''Berg''': Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Berg''': Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire. : '''Pete''': Oh really, Where were you last night? : '''Johnny''': I was at my Mother's. : '''Pete''': Your mother's? What were you doing there? : '''Johnny''': Drinking : '''Pete''': Drinking at your Mother's house. : '''Johnny''': She's hard to take. : '''Pete''': So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story. : '''Johnny''': Who? : '''Pete''': Your Mom? : '''Johnny''': What are you doing with my Mom's phone number? <hr width="50%"/> === Give Mommy a Kiss === : '''Sharon''': (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down. : '''Johnny''': (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery. : '''Sharon''': Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing. : '''Johnny''': Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there. : '''Sharon''': Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need? : '''Johnny''': No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite. : (Johnny grabs the phone) : '''Johnny''': Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny. : (Johnny puts the phone down) : '''Johnny''': (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Johnny''': (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section : '''Ashley''': (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar. : '''Johnny''': Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault. : '''Ashley''': Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact. : '''Johnny''': You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock. : '''Ashley''': Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that? : '''Johnny''': I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'. : '''Ashley''': Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce. : '''Johnny''': No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me. : '''Ashley''': I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial channel. The merger went through you doubled your money. : '''Johnny''': Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me? : '''Ashley''': I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. You're a rich man Johnny. === I've Got a Secret === === The Aftermath === : '''Irene''': How could you do this to Berg? : '''Pete''': If anyone, I thought you would understand. : '''Irene''': Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch : '''Pete''': Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal. <hr width="50%" /> === An Eye for a Finger === === A Few Good Firemen === : '''Ashley''': Germ, I demand you retake this picture! ... Can you help me? : '''Germ''': No! It's a camera, not the hand of God! <hr width="50%" /> === Adventures of Captain Karma === : '''Ashley''': Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me. : '''Pete''': If you were anyone else maybe I would be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I told Irene that I love her. : '''Pete''': Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': I hate romantic comedies. : '''Ashley''': Why? Your whole love life is a joke. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': We are going to a business mixer tonight. : '''Johnny''': I don't want to go to a business mixer. : '''Sharon''': Sorry, I meant 'free booze.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen! : '''Berg''': And you're...someone who knows me! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Katie''': In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did. === Make Mine Tea === : '''Pete''': You said wear black. : '''Sharon''': I said wear something that blends in. : '''Pete''': This does blend, I am the night! <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here. : '''Ashley''': What was that? : '''Berg''': 'Shut up Ashley.' <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': Who was that? : '''Berg''': Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music? === The Love Boat === : '''Ashley''': Would you do me a favor? : '''Pete''': Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Sharon''': Why don't you ask Pete? : '''Ashley''': What if he already has plans? (Both burst out laughing at the idea.) === The Icewoman Cometh === : '''Ashley''': I need to talk to you. : '''Pete''': Can't you come back when I'm not here? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Pete''': Today I almost died. : '''Ashley''': Underachiever. === Should I Stay or Should I Go? === : '''Ashley''': Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed. : '''Pete''': You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before. : '''Pete''': Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth." <hr width="50%" /> : '''Roger''': My insides are something special. : '''Berg''': Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass. : '''Pete''': OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I wasn't exactly popular in high school. : '''Pete''': Really? : '''Ashley''': People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I never knew you'd be such a good lover. : '''Pete''': Yeah and imagine me with a good partner. : '''Ashley''': Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner. === The Internet Show === : '''Pete''': Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Berg''': Pete I need a favour. : '''Pete''': Sure. : '''Berg''': Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine? : '''Pete''': Why, are we out? <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I am definitely not pregnant. : '''Johnny''': How do you know? : '''Ashley''': Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not. : '''Johnny''': That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Johnny''': Oh, so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill. : '''Pete''': What?! : '''Johnny''': Easy! She isn’t pregnant. : '''Pete''': How do you know? : '''Johnny''': She says she doesn’t want to be. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Ashley''': I’m not pregnant! : '''Johnny''': If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy. == Cast == * [[Ryan Reynolds]] - Doctor Michael Eugene Leslie 'Berg' Bergen * [[w:Traylor Howard|Traylor Howard]] - Sharon Donnelly (née Carter) * [[w:Richard Ruccolo|Richard Ruccolo]] - Peter 'Pete' Dunville * [[w:Nathan Fillion|Nathan Fillion]] - Johnny Donnelly * [[w:Susanne Cryer|Susanne Cryer]] - Doctor Ashley Walker * [[w:Jillian Bach|Jillian Bach]] - Irene == External links == {{wikipedia|Two Guys and a Girl}} * {{imdb title|0137330}} [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] oxyn8ng2xtaudo6s49im3b3fv489xun 0 18063 3155646 3155365 2022-08-17T21:15:02Z 2001:1388:661:87D7:60B2:1A65:A771:B4E9 /* G - L */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chingay Johor 2018.jpg|thumb|Overpopulation]] '''[[w:Overpopulation|Overpopulation]]''' is the condition of any organism's numbers exceeding the [[w:carrying capacity|carrying capacity]] of its [[w:ecological niche|ecological niche]]. __NOTOC__ :<small>'''CONTENT'''</small> : [[#A - F|A - F]] , [[#G - L|G - L]] , [[#M - R|M - R]] , [[#S - Z|S - Z]] , [[#See also|See also]] , [[#External links|External links]] == Quotes == :''Quotes are arranged alphabetically by author'' === A - F === *'''Babies are the enemies of the human race'''... Let's consider it this way: by the time the world doubles its population, the amount of energy we will be using will be increased sevenfold which means probably the amount of pollution that we are producing will also be increased sevenfold. If we are now threatened by pollution at the present rate, how will we be threatened with sevenfold pollution by, say, 2010 A.D., distributed among twice the population? We'll be having to grow twice the food out of soil that is being poisoned at seven times the rate. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1969) in an interview with Boston magazine. Partly cited in: Ellen Peck (1976). ''The baby trap,'' p. 17 * It's going to destroy it all. I use what I call my bathroom metaphor. If two people live in an apartment, and there are two bathrooms, then both have what I call freedom of the bathroom, go to the bathroom any time you want, and stay as long as you want to for whatever you need. And this to my way is ideal. And everyone believes in the freedom of the bathroom. It should be right there in the Constitution. But if you have 20 people in the apartment and two bathrooms, no matter how much every person believes in freedom of the bathroom, there is no such thing. You have to set up, you have to set up times for each person, you have to bang at the door, aren't you through yet, and so on. And in the same way, '''[[democracy]] cannot survive overpopulation. Human dignity cannot survive it. Convenience and decency cannot survive it.''' As you put more and more people onto the world, the value of life not only declines, but it disappears. It doesn't matter if someone dies. ** [[Isaac Asimov]] (1988) in interview by [[Bill Moyers]] on ''Bill Moyers' World Of Ideas'' (17 October 1988); [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/pdfs/woi%20asimov1.pdf transcript] (page 6) - [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/media_players/asimovwoi_audio.html audio (20:12)] ** Comment in response to this question by [[w:Bill Moyers|Bill Moyers]]: What do you see happening to the idea of [[dignity]] to human species if this population growth continues at its present rate? * We are a plague on the Earth. It’s coming home to roost over the next 50 years or so. It’s not just climate change; it’s sheer space, places to grow food for this enormous horde. Either we limit our population growth, or the natural world will do it for us, and the natural world is doing it for us right now. ** [[David Attenborough]], [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/earth/earthnews/9815862/Humans-are-plague-on-Earth-Attenborough.html David Attenborough - Humans are plague on Earth]. ''The Telegraph'', January 22, 2013. *The success of modern medicine is today so great, that millions of people are kept alive - if not cured - who in earlier days, and with less scientific aptitude, would normally have died. In this developed skill and knowledge, and in this aptitude in the care of the physical mechanism, is today to be found a major world problem - the problem of overpopulation of the planet, leading to the herd life of humanity and the consequent economic problem - to mention only one of the incidental difficulties of this success. This "unnatural" preservation of life is the cause of much suffering, and is a fruitful source of war, being contrary to the karmic intent of the planetary Logos.<BR>With this vast problem, I cannot here deal. I can only indicate it. It will be solved when the fear of [[death]] disappears, and when humanity learns the significance of time and the meaning of the cycles. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' p. 278 (1953). ISBN 978-0-85330-121-9. * Whereas the unconscious operations and blind forces of the planet have provoked turbulent changes over the last 4.5 billion years of earth’s evolutionary history, now change is being directed by a conscious and volitional agent – "humanity." We cannot speak of humanity equally, to be sure, as the problem was caused by the industrialized capitalist West and the poorer nations who contributed least to climate crisis will be hit the hardest. '''But nations such as China, India, and Brazil are major contributors, and the cumulative impact of 7.5 billion people on the planet is causing extinction and collapse everywhere.''' The stability of the Holocene is now gone, changes are accelerating beyond our understanding and control, and chaos waits at our door. ** [[Steven Best]], [https://drstevebest.wordpress.com/2019/12/03/total-liberation-in-the-age-of-the-anthropocene-and-climate-emergency/ Total Liberation in the Age of the Anthropocene and Climate Emergency], 2019 * In my opinion, you have out-of-control population growth, and you have fewer and fewer [resources]—we are heading for the biggest train wreck our civilization has ever come across ever. Ever. And I think that within 40 or 50 years, we’ll be there. If your population curve is on an exponential growth, and the resources are on an exponential decline, what happens first is you get increases in wealth discrepancy, which means that you get rich pockets of gated communities with security guards outside them, and you get more and more poverty outside that area. And the resources go down, and people start having resource wars over water and food and agriculture and arable land, and then you have Joburg in 2050. And you can see signs of it everywhere. It’s just overpopulation and lack of resources. We just aren’t in control of our destiny. :* {{w|Neill Blomkamp}} in: ''[http://www.avclub.com/article/idistrict-9-idirector-neill-blomkamp-31606 District 9 director Neill Blomkamp],'' By Tasha Robinson on ''avclub.com,'' August 12, 2009. * ... Reverend THOMAS MALTHUS' prediction made in 1798—that man would reproduce himself into a condition of "misery and vice" because of the growing imbalance caused by the multiplication of his own numbers by geometric progression, while his food supply was increasing arithmetically—is as valid today as when it was made. He was a visionary and saw clearly the monster of overpopulation. The only error in his prediction was one of a "few seconds on the clock of human occupancy of the earth". We, agriculturists, can buy at most a few decades of time in which to bring population growth into successful balance with food production. ** [[Norman Borlaug]]: [https://repository.cimmyt.org/bitstream/handle/10883/19272/9023.pdf?sequence=1 "Wheat breeding and its impact on world food supply."] In: ''Third International Wheat Genetics Symposium''. CIMMYT, 1968. *Life has now entered a {{w|sixth mass extinction}}. This is probably the most serious environmental problem, because the loss of a species is permanent, each of them playing a greater or lesser role in the living systems on which we all depend. The species extinctions that define the current crisis are, in turn, based on the massive disappearance of their component populations, mostly since the 1800s. The massive losses that we are experiencing are being caused, directly or indirectly, by the activities of Homo sapiens. They have almost all occurred since our ancestors developed agriculture, some 11,000 y ago. At that time, we numbered about 1 million people worldwide; now there are 7.7 billion of us, and our numbers are still rapidly growing. '''As our numbers have grown, humanity has come to pose an unprecedented threat to the vast majority of its living companions'''. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]], and {{w|Peter H. Raven}}, ''[https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2020/05/27/1922686117 Vertebrates on the brink as indicators of biological annihilation and the sixth mass extinction]''. ''{{w|PNAS}}'', June 1, 2020. *Man will come to realize that the over-population of the world is a grave danger to the continuation of the species. Today, one of the major reasons - and this is the extraordinary paradox - for the huge population in the world is the over-population of the poorer areas of the world, the Third World, those nations least able to afford to feed their peoples... they are dependent on having large families because they know that two-thirds or more will die before they can grow up; and the traditional peasant outlook on families as people to look after them in their old age. That is their insurance, their pension for the future... They have large families in many areas of the world simply to ensure that one, two, or maybe three will live into adulthood. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) *When... we share the produce of the world, you will see that the masses of poor people who are producing most of the forms for the incarnating egos will take the steps needed to prevent this, and gradually the population will subside to a level which the planet can easily bear. **[[Benjamin Creme]] in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980) * The key to understanding overpopulation is not population density but the numbers of people in an area relative to its resources and the capacity of the environment to sustain human activities; that is, to the area’s carrying capacity. When is an area overpopulated? When its population can’t be maintained without rapidly depleting nonrenewable resources... By this standard, the entire planet and virtually every nation is already vastly overpopulated. ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''The Population Explosion'' (1990) *The debate regarding which individual factor, among the three key factors producing the environmental crisis, causes more damage - the size of the human population on the planet, excessive consumption of resources or unequal/ unjust distribution of resources among countries [the wealthier countries consume much more resources, per person on average, than poorer countries] - is like a debate about which contributes more to a triangle, the base or the ribs of the triangle. You can not separate the three factors. If we analyze the numbers over a relatively longer time interval, we will conclude that the size of the population has a bigger impact than consumption. On the other hand, consumption and unequal distribution are also important aspects. If we do not change these three factors all at the same time, the quality of our life will change dramatically. Today '''humanity is delivering a serious blow to nature, but it is clear that nature will deliver the final blow.''' ** Paul R. Ehrlich, ''[http://www.haaretz.co.il/1.1875624 People should produce far fewer children, or expect the worst]'' (Dec. 2012) *Earth is home to millions of species. Just one dominates it. Us. '''Our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities have modified almost every part of our planet. In fact, we are having a profound impact on it. Indeed, our cleverness, our inventiveness, and our activities are now the drivers of every global problem we face. And every one of these problems is accelerating as we continue to grow towards a global population of ten billion. In fact, I believe we can rightly call the situation we're in right now an emergency – an unprecedented planetary emergency.'''<br> **{{w|Stephen Emmott}}, ''[https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2013/jun/30/stephen-emmott-ten-billion 10 Billion]'', as summarized in ''The Guardian'', June 30, 2013. *"Intensification of [food] production to feed an increased population leads to a still greater increase in population." **[[Peter Farb]] quoted in Ian J. Drake, What the Gorilla Saw: Environmental Studies and the Novel Ishmael, ISLE: Interdisciplinary Studies in Literature and Environment, Volume 22, Issue 3, Summer 2015, Pages 568–581, https://doi.org/10.1093/isle/isu141 === G - L === * My growing environmental awareness only adds more fuel to the argument for having no children. And the logic of never-ending consumption does not just harm the environment, it kills people too. ** [[w:Xiaolu Guo|Xiaolu Guo]], ''Once Upon A Time in the East: A Story of Growing up'', Chatto & Windus, 2017, page 305 (ISBN 9781784740689). * Around 1990, we became the most numerous mammalian species on the planet, outnumbering even rats. ** [[Thom Hartmann]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=xep4DwJhopkC&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&lpg=PP1&pg=PA15#v=onepage&q&f=false The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight: Revised and Updated Third Edition: The Fate of the World and What We Can Do Before It's Too Late]'' (2007), p. 15 * All measures to thwart the degradation and destruction of our ecosystem will be useless if we do not cut population growth. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *We are experiencing an accelerated obliteration of the planet’s life-forms — an estimated 8,760 species die off per year — because, simply put, there are too many people. Most of these extinctions are the direct result of the expanding need for energy, housing, food and other resources. '''The {{w|Baiji|Yangtze River dolphin}}, {{w|Atlantic gray whale}}, {{w|Western black rhinoceros|West African black rhino}}, {{w|Merriam's elk}}, {{w|California grizzly bear}}, {{w|silver trout}}, {{w|blue pike}} and {{w|dusky seaside sparrow}} are all victims of human overpopulation.''' Population growth, as [[E. O. Wilson]] says, is "the monster on the land." Species are vanishing at a rate of a hundred to a thousand times faster than they did before the arrival of humans. If the current rate of extinction continues, Homo sapiens will be one of the few life-forms left on the planet, its members scrambling violently among themselves for water, food, fossil fuels and perhaps air until they too disappear. Humanity, Wilson says, is leaving the Cenozoic, the age of mammals, and entering the Eremozoic — the era of solitude. As long as the Earth is viewed as the personal property of the human race, a belief embraced by everyone from born-again Christians to Marxists to free-market economists, we are destined to soon inhabit a biological wasteland. ** Chris Hedges, "[https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/ We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction]", March 9, 2009. *Of course, we also have to think about the role of population going forward. The more the global population grows, the more difficult this challenge will be. As we approach this question, it's crucial - as always - that we focus on underlying structural drivers. Many women around the world do not have control over their bodies and the number of children they have. Even in liberal nations women come under heavy social pressure to reproduce, often to the point where those who choose to have fewer or no children are interrogated and stigmatised. Poverty exacerbates these problems considerably. And of course [[capitalism]] itself creates pressures for population growth: more people means more labour, cheaper labour, and more consumers. These pressures filter into our culture, and even into national policy: countries like France and Japan are offering incentives to get women to have more children, to keep their economies growing. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, pp. 110-111 * For those of you who have just turned twenty and thus only just earned the right to vote, I will speak simply and plainly. In a word, without fail there comes a time when we must reduce our population in order to maintain the world. ** Chang-Gyu Kim, [https://clarkesworldmagazine.com/chang-gyu_11_19/ ''Sentinel''], (Korean 2010; English translation 2019) * Unlike plagues of the dark ages or contemporary diseases we do not yet understand, the modern plague of overpopulation is soluble by means we have discovered and with resources we possess. What is lacking is not sufficient knowledge of the solution but universal consciousness of the gravity of the problem and education of the billions who are its victims. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], acceptance speech, Margaret Sanger award in human rights 1966; Lamont Hempil ''Sustainable communities''. * We have learned a lot in the 50 years since "{{w|The Population Bomb}}" was published. We should not shy away from discussing what actions are ethically permissible to facilitate a stable level of {{w|population growth}}, nor should we leave this discussion in the hands of the affluent. The conversation about ethics, population and reproduction needs to shift from the perspective of white donor countries to the places and people most affected by [[poverty]], [[climate change]] and {{w|environmental degradation}}. ** {{w|Frances Kissling}}, Jotham Musinguzi and [[Peter Singer]], "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/talking-about-overpopulation-is-still-taboo-that-has-to-change/2018/06/18/ca7c1838-6e6f-11e8-afd5-778aca903bbe_story.html Talking about overpopulation is still taboo. That has to change]". ''{{w|The Washington Post}}''. June 18, 2018. * [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that population hypergrowth was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it. ** [[James Howard Kunstler|James H. Kunstler]], ''{{w|The Long Emergency}}'', p. 8. * We've achieved a global human population of about 7 billion as of this writing. Peak human population will surely lag behind peak oil and peak mineral resources until these conditions express themselves as food shortages. This means that the human population will continue to rise for a while, even as we begin to encounter these very strict resource limits. It’s not possible to estimate how much the population will increase because the relationship between energy and mineral resources and food production is a very fragile equation, subject to any number of discontinuities. To these, add the complications of weather disasters arising from climate change, including drought, the spread of plant diseases, and so forth. This lagging further rise in human population will only make the inevitable contraction more acute, once food shortages begin. Anyway, 7 billion already amounts to a human population overshoot in relation to the planet earth’s ecology. We're putting a strain on everything the earth has to offer us. While the combination of peak stuff and 7 billion humans is forcing the issue, I think the truth is that circumstances will now determine what happens, not policies or personalities. ** James H. Kunstler, ''Too Much Magic'', p. 8-10. * If I were entering adulthood now instead of in the environment of 50 years ago, I would choose a career that kept me in contact with nature more than science. This is a choice an individual still can make—but no longer mankind in general. Too few natural areas remain. Both by intent and indifference we have insulated ourselves from the wilderness that produced us. '''Our emphasis of science has resulted in alarming rises in world populations that demand an ever-increasing emphasis of science to improve their standards and maintain their vigor.''' ** [[Charles Lindbergh]], ''The Wisdom of Wilderness'', ''LIFE'', December 22, 1967. * It is still the case that the worst enemies of life are, on the one hand, an excess of life (human life, in particular) and, on the other, the legislation and structure of societies based on {{w|market economy}}. The sturdier a society, the more peaceful it is; the more efficient {{w|economic growth}} (i.e., the ransacking of natural resources), the quicker {{w|Biodiversity loss|other forms of life will step aside}}. Everything that upsets the established order of society, causing chaos and panic, gives time to nature and, ultimately, humans too. ** [[Pentti Linkola]], ''Can Life Prevail?: A Revolutionary Approach to the Environmental Crisis.'' p. 166 === M - R === * The Earth's population is plagued by famines, energy shortages, epidemics, environmental pollution, degeneration, terrorism, dictatorship, anarchism, slavery, excessive increase of waste materials, racial hatred, food shortages, destruction of rain forests, the "greenhouse effect", pollution of lakes, streams and oceans, hatred towards asylum-seekers; radioactive emissions, chemical pollution of water, air, plants, food, human beings and animals. Crime, murder, mass murders, manslaughter; alcoholism, hatred of strangers, oppression, hatred of one's fellowman, extremism, sectarianism, drug addiction, overpopulation, annihilation of animal species, war, violence, torture and capital punishment, general mismanagement, water contamination, eradication of plant species; hatred, vice, jealousy, lovelessness, lack of logic, false humanitarianism, lack of housing, increased traffic, destruction of arable land, unemployment, the collapse of health care, the collapse of care for the elderly, destruction of nature, the collapse of solid waste removal, and the lack of living space, among others. In spite of the many efforts, '''mankind's problems are not decreasing but, instead, continue to rise steadily in direct proportion to population increases.''' ** {{w|Eduard Albert Meier}}, "[http://www.futureofmankind.co.uk/Billy_Meier/Overpopulation_Crusade A Crusade Against Overpopulation]," on ''futureofmankind.co.uk.'' * Human numbers are rising at roughly 1.2% a year, while {{w|livestock}} numbers are rising at around 2.4% a year. By 2050 the world’s living systems will have to support about 120m tonnes of extra humans, and 400m tonnes of extra farm animals. ** [[George Monbiot]], "[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/nov/19/population-crisis-farm-animals-laying-waste-to-planet There’s a population crisis all right. But probably not the one you think]". ''The Guardian''. November 19, 2015. *Putting an end to the population explosion will not of itself save the ecosphere, but not ending it will add greatly to the dangers the planet faces. The environment can sustain a quality of life for just so many people. **[[Michael Parenti]], ''Blackshirts and Reds: Rational Fascism and the Overthrow of Communism. '' (1997), p. 155 *Human overpopulation, the ever increasing power of our technology, and the demand of our omnicidal, neoliberal economic system of infinite growth on the basis of finite resources threaten the earth with total destruction. **{{w|Norm Phelps}}, quoted in ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' by [[Steven Best]], (2014), p. ix === S - Z === * Erroneous belief about population growth has cost dearly. In poor countries, it has directed attention away from the factor that we now know is central in a country's economic development, its economic and political system. And in rich countries, misdirected attention to population growth and its supposed consequence of natural-resource shortages has caused waste through such programs as now-abandoned synthetic fuel programs, and the useless development of airplanes that would be appropriate for an age of greater scarcity. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], "[http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Norton/NORTON02.txt Scarcity or Abundance? A Debate on the Environment]," on ''juliansimon.com'' * Adding more people causes problems, but people are also the means to solve these problems. The main fuel to speed our progress is our stock of knowledge, and the brake is our lack of imagination. The ultimate resource is people – skilled, spirited, and hopeful people who will exert their wills and imaginations for their own benefit, and inevitably they will benefit not only themselves but the rest of us as well. ** [[w:Julian Lincoln Simon|Julian Lincoln Simon]], [http://www.juliansimon.com/writings/Ultimate_Resource/TCONCLUS.txt The Ultimate Resource] * History upon Terra tells us what horrors follow upon religious mandates of unlimited reproduction. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''[[w:Grass (novel)|Grass]]'' (1989), Chapter 12 * The pattern of human population growth in the 20th century was more bacterial than primate. When ''Homo sapiens'' passed the six billion mark we had already exceeded by perhaps as much as 100 times the [[w:Biomass (ecology)|biomass]] of any large animal species that had ever existed on the land. We and the rest of life cannot afford another 100 years like that. ** [[E. O. Wilson]], quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=heOrAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA83#v=onepage&q&f=false Life on the Brink: Environmentalists Confront Overpopulation]''. University of Georgia Press (2012), p. 83 == See also == * [[Sustainable development]] * [[Sustainability]] ==Further reading== *{{Cite web|url=http://www.panearth.org/WVPI/Papers/FoodPopulationSummary.pdf|title=A Summary of Human Population Dynamics|work=Russell Hopfenberg|publisher=Pan Earth}} ==External links== {{wikipedia|Human overpopulation}} {{wiktionary|overpopulation}} *[https://population.org.au/about-population/global-population Quotes on Human Over-Population and Related Subjects], ''Sustainable Population Australia'' *[https://www.theguardian.com/global-development-professionals-network/gallery/2015/apr/01/over-population-over-consumption-in-pictures Overpopulation, overconsumption – in pictures]. ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' April 1, 2015. [[Category:Biology]] [[Category:Sociology]] [[Category:Sustainability]] jl7rvnqpyr4j4ud53tmdtmgh5uhdvsa 0 21736 3155572 3153309 2022-08-17T13:35:00Z 104.231.249.177 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path. :''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].'' {{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo. :'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us. :'''Bill''': How's it going? :'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. Did you see the sky today? :'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking. :'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%> :''[Dorothy is first shown]'' :'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain. :'''Bill''': I had a hand in it. :'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it? :'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. :'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what she is going to do. :'''Melissa''': How? :'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorothy, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously. :'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time. :'''Melissa''': And what will that do? :'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system. :'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings? :'''Bill''': Well the systems– :'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes. :'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it. :'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it. :'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado? :'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up too. :'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the "suck zone". :'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh... <hr width=50%> :'''Melissa''': ''[Talking with Jo at the front counter of a diner]'' So you're telling me Bill can tell what a storm is ''thinking''? :'''Jo''': Yeah, something like that. Gum? ''[Offers gum, Melissa shakes her head]'' My aunt Meg used to call him a "human barometer". :'''Melissa''': He's just never mentioned any of this to me. :'''Jo''': You know, if you need to pee, you should do it now, because there won't be any time once we're on the road. :'''Melissa''': ...You still love him, don't you? :'''Jo''': ''[Gives a long pause, then gestures to a waitress]'' Check, please. :'''Melissa''': Not that I blame you. I just hope this isn't some desperate attempt to keep him in your life. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve? :'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together? <hr width=50%> :''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]'' :'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?! :''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]'' :'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track. :'''Jo''': Are you sure? :'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left. :'''Melissa''': Is that bad? :'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–? :'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go! :''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]'' :'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on... :''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]'' :'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done. :'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God! :'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept. :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading! <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?! :'''Bill''': I don't think so! <hr width=50%> :''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)'' :'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road. :'''Jo''': I think you're right. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion? :'''Jo''': ...We saw it. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us! :'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''! <hr width=50%> :''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)'' :'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us! :'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us! :''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?! :'''Rabbit''': It should be any second! :''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor! <hr width=50%> :''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)'' :'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon? :'''Bill''': WHAT? :'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one. :'''Bill''': SHIT!! <hr width=50%> :''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]'' :'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck! <hr width=50%> ''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]'' :'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like? :'''Jo''': ...It was windy. :'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck? :'''Bill''': Liability only. :'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck. :'''Melissa''': Thank you. :''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]'' :'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita. :'''Jo''': No. :'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right? :'''Jo''': No! :'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance! :'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt! :'''Dusty''': F-food! :'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD! :'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going! <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. :'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice. :'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef? :'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front? :'''Rabbit''': No. :'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah! :''[laughter from everyone]'' :'''Rabbit''': Oh. :'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice! <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, god. :'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way. :'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand... :'''Dusty''': He is naked! :'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked. :'''Beltzer''': Naked! :'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked! :'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel. :'''Bill''': Half naked. :'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground. The twister caught it, and sucked it right up! :'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him. :'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY! <hr width=50%> :'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3? :'''Bill''': Solid F-2. :'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again. :'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats. :'''Melissa''': Eats? :'''Bill''': Destroys. :'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3. :'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today. :'''Haynes''': That would be sweet! :'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently. :'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like? :'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God. :'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5? :'''Bill''': ...Just one of us. <hr width=50%> :''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]'' :'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris! :'''Bill''': DEBRIS? :'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left! :'''Bill''': Which way now? :'''Jo''': I have no idea. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]'' :'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive? :'''Bill:''' No! :'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]'' :'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is. :'''Bill''': Melissa?! :''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]'' :'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise. :'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ. :'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit! :'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you? :'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that? :'''Rabbit''': Beyond what? :'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?! :'''Bill''': THE BRUSH! :'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH! :'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?! :'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway! :'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit? :'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man? :'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow. :'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. :'''Jo:''' Another cow. :'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]'' :'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK? :'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe. :'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right. :'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself. :'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': Jonas! Son of a bitch! :'''Melissa''': Who is that honey? :'''Bill''': Jonas Miller. He's a nightcrawler. We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the money not the science. He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby! <hr width=50%/> ''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]'' :'''Jo''': Bill? :'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Jo''': Bill, don't! :'''Joey''': Uh, what? :'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]'' :'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out? :'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! ''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]'' :'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off! :'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man! :'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it! :'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?! :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch! :'''Joey''': Calm down! :'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?! :'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF! :'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it? :'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it! :'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized. :'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]'' :'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air. :'''Joey''': That's right! :'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over. :'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff. :'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL. :'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]'' ''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet! ''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]'' :'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright! :'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!! :'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man! :'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you. :'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky! :'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]'' ==Taglines== * There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself. * The Dark Side of Nature. * Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back. * Go for a ride you'll never forget! * If you can hear it, it's already too late! * Nature Sucks. ==Home media== {| Class="wikitable" ! Release date !! Studio |- | August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros. |- | May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray & 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios |- | November 7, 2000 VHS & DVD<br>June 10, 2003 VHS<br>August 2, 2005 DVD<br>March 13, 2007 HD-DVD<br>September 23, 2008 Blu-ray<br>September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray & Blu-ray 3D<br>TBA DVD, Blu-ray & Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)<br>TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal |} ==Cast== * [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding * [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller * [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves * [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene * [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick * [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders * [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe * [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis ==External links== {{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films about natural disasters]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]] mlmzfuiwqljsndywgsf7c73ss7ugf0p 3155573 3155572 2022-08-17T13:35:15Z Eldarado 2387366 Undid edits by [[Special:Contribs/104.231.249.177|104.231.249.177]] ([[User talk:104.231.249.177|talk]]) to last version by 2607:FB91:1106:2219:AC39:5931:694F:188F wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path. :''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].'' {{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo. :'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us. :'''Bill''': How's it going? :'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today? :'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking. :'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve? :'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together? <hr width=50%> :''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]'' :'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?! :''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]'' :'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track. :'''Jo''': Are you sure? :'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left. :'''Melissa''': Is that bad? :'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–? :'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go! :''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]'' :'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on... :''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]'' :'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done. :'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God! :'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept. :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading! <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?! :'''Bill''': I don't think so! <hr width=50%> :''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)'' :'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road. :'''Jo''': I think you're right. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion? :'''Jo''': We saw it. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us! :'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''! <hr width=50%> :''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)'' :'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us! :'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us! :''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?! :'''Rabbit''': It should be any second! :''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor! <hr width=50%> :''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)'' :'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you gonna wrap this up? :'''Bill''': WHAT? :'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if we were going to chase this tornado or just catch the next one. :'''Bill''': SHIT!! <hr width=50%> :''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]'' :'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck! <hr width=50%> ''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]'' :'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like? :'''Jo''': ...It was windy. :'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck? :'''Bill''': Liability only. :'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck. :'''Melissa''': Thank you. :''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]'' :'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. :'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice. :'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef? :'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front? :'''Rabbit''': No. :'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah! :''[laughter from everyone]'' :'''Rabbit''': Oh. :'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice! <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, god. :'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way. :'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand... :'''Dusty''': He is naked! :'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked. :'''Beltzer''': Naked! :'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked! :'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel. :'''Bill''': Half naked. :'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground. The twister caught it, and sucked it right up! :'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him. :'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY! <hr width=50%> :'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3? :'''Bill''': Solid F-2. :'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again. :'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats. :'''Melissa''': Eats? :'''Bill''': Destroys. :'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3. :'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today. :'''Haynes''': That would be sweet! :'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently. :'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like? :'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God. :'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5? :'''Bill''': ...Just one of us. <hr width=50%> :''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]'' :'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris! :'''Bill''': DEBRIS? :'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left! :'''Bill''': Which way now? :'''Jo''': I have no idea. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]'' :'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive? :'''Bill:''' No! :'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]'' :'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around it]'' There it is. :'''Bill''': Melissa?! ''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]'' :'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow. :'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. :'''Jo:''' Another cow. :'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]'' :'''Jo:''' Is she OK? :'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe. :'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right. :'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself. :'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita. :'''Jo''': No. :'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right? :'''Jo''': No! :'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance! :'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt! :'''Dusty''': F-food! :'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD! :'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': Jonas! Son of a bitch! :'''Melissa''': Who is that honey? :'''Bill''': Jonas Miller. He's a nightcrawler. We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the money not the science. He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby! <hr width=50%/> ''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]'' :'''Jo''': Bill? :'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Jo''': Bill, don't! :'''Joey''': Uh, what? :'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]'' :'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out? :'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! ''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]'' :'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off! :'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man! :'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it! :'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?! :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch! :'''Joey''': Calm down! :'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?! :'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF! :'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it? :'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it! :'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized. :'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]'' :'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air. :'''Joey''': That's right! :'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over. :'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff. :'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL. :'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]'' ''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet! ''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]'' :'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright! :'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!! :'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man! :'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you. :'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky! :'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]'' ==Taglines== * There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself. * The Dark Side of Nature. * Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back. * Go for a ride you'll never forget! * If you can hear it, it's already too late! * Nature Sucks. ==Home media== {| Class="wikitable" ! Release date !! Studio |- | August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros. |- | May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray & 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios |- | November 7, 2000 VHS & DVD<br>June 10, 2003 VHS<br>August 2, 2005 DVD<br>March 13, 2007 HD-DVD<br>September 23, 2008 Blu-ray<br>September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray & Blu-ray 3D<br>TBA DVD, Blu-ray & Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)<br>TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal |} ==Cast== * [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding * [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller * [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves * [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene * [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick * [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders * [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe * [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis ==External links== {{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films about natural disasters]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]] mu9qo926qr0uaj6e8mq7tjlr785j3pd 0 22168 3155625 3063099 2022-08-17T20:05:36Z Khu bang 3129724 Added some pickup lines wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Casablanca,_Trailer_Screenshot.JPG|thumb|Was that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding? ~ [[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]]] '''[[w:Pick-up line|Pick-up lines]]''' are crude and/or comical one-liners used to proposition a stranger for a date or sex, often intended to be humorously offensive- commonly known as icebreakers or [[w:Conversation_opener#Conversation_openers_for_romantic_purposes| Conversation openers]]. A popular topic of conversation among young same sex groups recounted like jokes ie 'Did you hear about the guy/girl....etc'. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == * Was that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding? ** Ilsa in [[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]] with [[Ingrid Bergman]] and [[Humphrey Bogart]]. Warner Bros. 1942, directed by Michael Curtiz, story editor Irene Diamond * Let’s go somewhere we can be alone. Ah, there doesn’t seem to be anyone on this couch. ** S. Quentin Quale in ''Go West'' with [[Groucho Marx]] and June Maccloy. MGM 1940, directed by Edward N. Buzzell. * Give me a kiss or I’ll sock you. ** Frank in ''[[w:The Postman Always Rings Twice|The Postman Always Rings Twice]]'' with John Garfield and Lana Turner. MGM 1946, directed by Tay Garnett. * If I were to send you flowers... No wait, let me rephrase: If I were to let you suck on my tongue, would you be grateful? ** [[w:Nicholas Cage|Nicholas Cage]] in ''[[Face/Off]]'', directed by [[w:John Woo|John Woo]]. * [[w:If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me|If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?]] ** Originally coined by [[Groucho Marx]] on an episode of ''[[w:You Bet Your Life|You Bet Your Life]]'', later the title of a chart-topping hit song by [[w:The Bellamy Brothers|The Bellamy Brothers]] in 1979. * [[w:Do You Love as Good as You Look|Do you love as good as you look?]] ** Title of another Bellamy Brothers song, this one in 1981. ** No pen, no paper but you still draw my attention. ** Your hand looks heavy, can I hold it for you. ** Is that the sun rising for the second time today, oh wait, it's just you. ** Jesus turned water into wine and I'm just tryna turn you into mine. ** ==See also== *[[Flirting]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Discourse]] [[Category:Sexuality]] 0evva9v82zop7v6f8hk61w7x49f12yp 0 26566 3155675 2996338 2022-08-17T23:10:23Z CensoredScribe 856601 /* Suggestions */ wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="18" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 18|August 18]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2003 : It's a thingy! A fiendish thingy! ~ [[George Harrison]] in ''[[w:Help! (film)|Help!]]'' :* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] ; 2004 : The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~ [[Lily Tomlin]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : If you continue to hate, you are entering into the same philosophy that began the war. You have to look forward at people and new times. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (born 18 August 1933) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our decay. ~ [[Brian Aldiss]] (born 18 August 1925) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:31, 17 August 2006 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2007 : What we say is the truth is what everybody accepts … Psychiatry: it's the latest religion. We decide what's right and wrong. We decide who's crazy or not. I'm in trouble here. I'm losing my faith. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' (born 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:44, 17 August 2007 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> I have leaned toward this for this year simply because I don't feel there are any especially strong contenders here as yet, wish to reserve the Nabokov quote for next year, and have an admiration of both the film ''12 Monkeys'' and Stowe. I expect to add more from Aldiss and others eventually and the likelihood of quoting her or the movie after that diminishes much.* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 4 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 00:58, 18 August 2007 (UTC). A belated vote for one of my favorite quotes about psychiatry. --> ; 2008 :Oh, my Lolita, I have only words to play with! ~ [[Vladimir Nabokov]] in ''[[Lolita]]'' (50th anniversary of its publication in the United States on 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] <!-- * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:53, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 14:57, 4 August 2005 (UTC) <small>—This [[Wikipedia:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment is by [[User:AndyCunningham|AndyCunningham]] ([[User talk:AndyCunningham|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/AndyCunningham|contribs]]) {{{2|}}}.</small> * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:44, 19 August 2007 (UTC) <s>1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 17 August 2007 (UTC) / 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) no strong desire to use this as yet, but I might lean towards a 3 or maybe even a 4 next year (its 50th publishing anniversary), and thus lowered my initial ranking to help keep it in reserve for that.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' <br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- Beauty and Truth, tho’ never found, are worthy to be sought. ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:07, 17 August 2009 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC)</s> but would prefer to extend this to read: :: ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC)--> ; 2010 : ''I saw the starry Tree <br> Eternity <br> Put forth the blossom Time.'' <br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:23, 15 August 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : ''I ask no more from mortals<br>Than your beautiful face implies,— <br> The beauty the artist beholding <br> Interprets and sanctifies. <br> Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.''<br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4, </s>but would extend this to: :: ''Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = I can't help [[Belief|believing]] that these things that come from the subconscious [[mind]] have a sort of [[truth]] to them. It may not be a [[Science|scientific]] truth, but it's [[Psychology|psychological]] truth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 21:54, 9 August 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote =<p>''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!''</p><p>''And countless [[voices]] far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the [[sky]] — <br>"[[All]] that is [[beautiful]] shall abide, <br>All that is [[Evil|base]] shall [[die]]."''</p> | author = Robert Williams Buchanan }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 02:52, 14 August 2013 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC),</s> but would prefer to extend this for context and could give this a four: :: ''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!<p> And countless voices far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the sky — <br>"All that is beautiful shall abide, <br>All that is base shall die."'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Very weak without context?'' --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = Whatever [[creativity]] is, it is in part a [[solution]] to a [[problem]]. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)<s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. // I would rank this as one of the best as yet suggested here, but feel a certain inclination to use the Madeleine Stowe quote on Psychiatry this year in expectation of using the Nabokov one next year.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Life]] was a [[pleasure]]; he looked back at its [[moments]], many of them as shrouded in mist as the opposite bank of the Thames. Objectively, many of them held only [[misery]], [[fear]], [[confusion]]; but afterward, and even at the time, he had known an [[exhilaration]] stronger than the misery, fear, or confusion. A fragment of [[belief]] came to him from another [[epoch]]: ''[[w:Cogito ergo sum|Cogito ergo sum]]''. For him that had not been true; his [[truth]] had been: ''Sentio ergo sum''. I [[feel]], so I [[exist]]. He enjoyed this fearful, miserable, confused life, and not only because it made more sense than nonlife. He could never [[explain]] that to anyone. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!--* 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:00, 17 August 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> When the first flint, the first shell, was shaped into a [[weapon]], that action shaped [[Mankind|man]]. As he molded and complicated his tools, so they molded and complicated him. He became the first [[scientific]] [[animal]]. And at last, via [[information theory]] and great [[computers]], he gained [[knowledge]] of all his parts. He formed the [[Laws]] of [[Integration]], which reveal all beings as part of a [[pattern]] and show them their part in the pattern. There is only the pattern; the pattern is [[all]] the [[universe]], [[creator]] and created. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> If we can see our [[difficulties]], there is a way of [[Solution|resolving]] them, or the [[hope]] of a way. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:56, 17 August 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Perhaps the first [[fire]], the first tool, the first wheel, the first carving in a limestone cave, had each possessed a [[symbolic]] rather than a practical [[value]], had each been pressed to serve distortion rather than [[reality]]. It was a sort of [[madness]] that had driven man from his humble sites on the edges of the woods into towns and cities, into [[arts]] and [[wars]], into [[religious]] crusades, into [[martyrdom]] and [[prostitution]], into dyspepsia and [[fasting]], into [[love]] and [[hatred]], into this present cul-de-sac; it had all come about in pursuit of symbols. In the [[beginning]] was the symbol, and [[darkness]] was over the face of the Earth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:30, 17 August 2018 (UTC) <s> 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Part of my lifestyle you should all [[remember]] is having [[fun]]. Being [[Comedy|funny]] is a big part of it. After all, if one is in tune, funny is the tune to play. Giving [[laughter]] is more fun than giving [[advice]]. Giving laughter while giving advice is the jackpot. | author = Peter Fonda }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:29, 18 August 2019 (UTC) -->, in regard to his recent death. ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[true]] and best way of [[learning]] any [[Art]], is not to see a great many [[Examples]] done by another Person, but to possess ones seIf first of the [[Principles]] of it, and then to make them familiar, by [[exercising]] ones [[self]] in the [[Practice]]. For it is Practice alone, that makes a [[Human|Man]] [[perfect]] in any thing. | author = Brook Taylor }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I [[feel]] that the [[end]] of my days is drawing near; my [[senses]] are failing me; my [[delight]] and [[strength]] in creating [[songs]] are gone; he, who was once honored by half of [[Europe]], is forgotten; others have come and are the objects of [[admiration]]; one must give place to another. [[Nothing]] remains for me but [[trust]] in [[God]], and the [[hope]] of an unclouded [[existence]] in the Land of [[Peace]]. | author = Antonio Salieri }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:12, 17 August 2021 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2022 : ''[[August 18|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> Ranking system: :4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used. :3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used. :2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used. :1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used. :0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day. ---- ---- == Suggestions == The pleasure and joy of man lies in treading down the rebel and conquering the enemy, in tearing him up by the root, in taking from him all that he has. - [[Genghis Khan]], died this day. * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:32, 31 July 2005 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 0. * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 3 because the desire to completely dominate exists in mankind and this quote says it perfectly, Khan had the tendency to say it as it was. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Not for the content / meaning, but I think it fits well as QOTD.'' ---- You have to show violence the way it is. If you don't show it realistically, then that's immoral and harmful. If you don't upset people, then that's obscenity. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (date of birth) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) * 3 [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]], 4 if the image references either [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]], or [[The Pianist (2002 film)|The Pianist]]; although an image from a film about occultists with a quote about realism is an odd combination. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:10, 17 August 2022 (UTC) ---- Ach! I know. If I were to play the ''Pathetique'' or the ''Moonlight Sonata'' for the high judges, they would let me off. But my defense unfortunately will not be musical. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 3 because the sheer thought of a musical defense would be interesting. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 82'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''I usually do not agree with Zarbon's votes here (and never his reasonings), but there '''is''' "something" to this quote.'' ---- I can spot a musical type. I can tell by looking at a woman whether she is a contralto or a soprano. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 4 because I like both contralto's and soprano's. And I'm sure both types of women would sing well. This is a very nice musical dynamic personification. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 83'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- A race that binds<br>Its body in chains and calls them Liberty,<br>And calls each fresh link Progress.<br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) but would extend this slightly to read: :: ''Even on the white English crags <br> A few strong spirits, in a race that binds <br> Its body in chains and calls them Liberty, <br> And calls each fresh link Progress, stood erect <br> With faces pale that hunger'd to the light.'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- [[w:Cassandra|Cassandra]] in Greek legend, you recall, was condemned to know the future but to be disbelieved when she foretold it. Hence the agony of foreknowledge combined with the impotence to do anything about it.. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- I love the life of an actor because you spend brief amounts of time with other people and then you just leave. I need to be alone a lot, and I need the outdoors. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- I'd just love to see a great love story, and nobody makes them anymore. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = To disobey a law of the universe was impossible, not insane | author = Brian Aldiss }} * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = It is generally thought very ridiculous to pretend to write an Heroic Poem, or a fine Discourse upon any Subject, without understanding the Propriety of the Language wrote in; and to me it seems no less ridiculous for one to pretend to make a good Picture without understanding Perspective... | author = Brook Taylor }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> 969e29eqgsisp7c8uocroazjia5ulxb 3155687 3155675 2022-08-18T00:12:28Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="18" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 18|August 18]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2003 : It's a thingy! A fiendish thingy! ~ [[George Harrison]] in ''[[w:Help! (film)|Help!]]'' :* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] ; 2004 : The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~ [[Lily Tomlin]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : If you continue to hate, you are entering into the same philosophy that began the war. You have to look forward at people and new times. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (born 18 August 1933) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our decay. ~ [[Brian Aldiss]] (born 18 August 1925) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:31, 17 August 2006 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2007 : What we say is the truth is what everybody accepts … Psychiatry: it's the latest religion. We decide what's right and wrong. We decide who's crazy or not. I'm in trouble here. I'm losing my faith. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' (born 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:44, 17 August 2007 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> I have leaned toward this for this year simply because I don't feel there are any especially strong contenders here as yet, wish to reserve the Nabokov quote for next year, and have an admiration of both the film ''12 Monkeys'' and Stowe. I expect to add more from Aldiss and others eventually and the likelihood of quoting her or the movie after that diminishes much.* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 4 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 00:58, 18 August 2007 (UTC). A belated vote for one of my favorite quotes about psychiatry. --> ; 2008 :Oh, my Lolita, I have only words to play with! ~ [[Vladimir Nabokov]] in ''[[Lolita]]'' (50th anniversary of its publication in the United States on 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] <!-- * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:53, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 14:57, 4 August 2005 (UTC) <small>—This [[Wikipedia:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment is by [[User:AndyCunningham|AndyCunningham]] ([[User talk:AndyCunningham|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/AndyCunningham|contribs]]) {{{2|}}}.</small> * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:44, 19 August 2007 (UTC) <s>1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 17 August 2007 (UTC) / 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) no strong desire to use this as yet, but I might lean towards a 3 or maybe even a 4 next year (its 50th publishing anniversary), and thus lowered my initial ranking to help keep it in reserve for that.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' <br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- Beauty and Truth, tho’ never found, are worthy to be sought. ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:07, 17 August 2009 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC)</s> but would prefer to extend this to read: :: ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC)--> ; 2010 : ''I saw the starry Tree <br> Eternity <br> Put forth the blossom Time.'' <br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:23, 15 August 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : ''I ask no more from mortals<br>Than your beautiful face implies,— <br> The beauty the artist beholding <br> Interprets and sanctifies. <br> Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.''<br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4, </s>but would extend this to: :: ''Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = I can't help [[Belief|believing]] that these things that come from the subconscious [[mind]] have a sort of [[truth]] to them. It may not be a [[Science|scientific]] truth, but it's [[Psychology|psychological]] truth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 21:54, 9 August 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote =<p>''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!''</p><p>''And countless [[voices]] far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the [[sky]] — <br>"[[All]] that is [[beautiful]] shall abide, <br>All that is [[Evil|base]] shall [[die]]."''</p> | author = Robert Williams Buchanan }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 02:52, 14 August 2013 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC),</s> but would prefer to extend this for context and could give this a four: :: ''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!<p> And countless voices far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the sky — <br>"All that is beautiful shall abide, <br>All that is base shall die."'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Very weak without context?'' --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = Whatever [[creativity]] is, it is in part a [[solution]] to a [[problem]]. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)<s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. // I would rank this as one of the best as yet suggested here, but feel a certain inclination to use the Madeleine Stowe quote on Psychiatry this year in expectation of using the Nabokov one next year.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Life]] was a [[pleasure]]; he looked back at its [[moments]], many of them as shrouded in mist as the opposite bank of the Thames. Objectively, many of them held only [[misery]], [[fear]], [[confusion]]; but afterward, and even at the time, he had known an [[exhilaration]] stronger than the misery, fear, or confusion. A fragment of [[belief]] came to him from another [[epoch]]: ''[[w:Cogito ergo sum|Cogito ergo sum]]''. For him that had not been true; his [[truth]] had been: ''Sentio ergo sum''. I [[feel]], so I [[exist]]. He enjoyed this fearful, miserable, confused life, and not only because it made more sense than nonlife. He could never [[explain]] that to anyone. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!--* 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:00, 17 August 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> When the first flint, the first shell, was shaped into a [[weapon]], that action shaped [[Mankind|man]]. As he molded and complicated his tools, so they molded and complicated him. He became the first [[scientific]] [[animal]]. And at last, via [[information theory]] and great [[computers]], he gained [[knowledge]] of all his parts. He formed the [[Laws]] of [[Integration]], which reveal all beings as part of a [[pattern]] and show them their part in the pattern. There is only the pattern; the pattern is [[all]] the [[universe]], [[creator]] and created. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> If we can see our [[difficulties]], there is a way of [[Solution|resolving]] them, or the [[hope]] of a way. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:56, 17 August 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Perhaps the first [[fire]], the first tool, the first wheel, the first carving in a limestone cave, had each possessed a [[symbolic]] rather than a practical [[value]], had each been pressed to serve distortion rather than [[reality]]. It was a sort of [[madness]] that had driven man from his humble sites on the edges of the woods into towns and cities, into [[arts]] and [[wars]], into [[religious]] crusades, into [[martyrdom]] and [[prostitution]], into dyspepsia and [[fasting]], into [[love]] and [[hatred]], into this present cul-de-sac; it had all come about in pursuit of symbols. In the [[beginning]] was the symbol, and [[darkness]] was over the face of the Earth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:30, 17 August 2018 (UTC) <s> 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Part of my lifestyle you should all [[remember]] is having [[fun]]. Being [[Comedy|funny]] is a big part of it. After all, if one is in tune, funny is the tune to play. Giving [[laughter]] is more fun than giving [[advice]]. Giving laughter while giving advice is the jackpot. | author = Peter Fonda }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:29, 18 August 2019 (UTC) -->, in regard to his recent death. ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[true]] and best way of [[learning]] any [[Art]], is not to see a great many [[Examples]] done by another Person, but to possess ones seIf first of the [[Principles]] of it, and then to make them familiar, by [[exercising]] ones [[self]] in the [[Practice]]. For it is Practice alone, that makes a [[Human|Man]] [[perfect]] in any thing. | author = Brook Taylor }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I [[feel]] that the [[end]] of my days is drawing near; my [[senses]] are failing me; my [[delight]] and [[strength]] in creating [[songs]] are gone; he, who was once honored by half of [[Europe]], is forgotten; others have come and are the objects of [[admiration]]; one must give place to another. [[Nothing]] remains for me but [[trust]] in [[God]], and the [[hope]] of an unclouded [[existence]] in the Land of [[Peace]]. | author = Antonio Salieri }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:12, 17 August 2021 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2022 : ''[[August 18|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> Ranking system: :4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used. :3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used. :2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used. :1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used. :0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day. ---- ---- == Suggestions == The pleasure and joy of man lies in treading down the rebel and conquering the enemy, in tearing him up by the root, in taking from him all that he has. - [[Genghis Khan]], died this day. * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:32, 31 July 2005 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 0. * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 3 because the desire to completely dominate exists in mankind and this quote says it perfectly, Khan had the tendency to say it as it was. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Not for the content / meaning, but I think it fits well as QOTD.'' ---- You have to show violence the way it is. If you don't show it realistically, then that's immoral and harmful. If you don't upset people, then that's obscenity. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (date of birth) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) * 3 [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]], 4 if the image references either [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]], or [[The Pianist (2002 film)|The Pianist]]; although an image from a film about occultists with a quote about realism is an odd combination. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:10, 17 August 2022 (UTC) ---- Ach! I know. If I were to play the ''Pathetique'' or the ''Moonlight Sonata'' for the high judges, they would let me off. But my defense unfortunately will not be musical. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 3 because the sheer thought of a musical defense would be interesting. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 82'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''I usually do not agree with Zarbon's votes here (and never his reasonings), but there '''is''' "something" to this quote.'' ---- I can spot a musical type. I can tell by looking at a woman whether she is a contralto or a soprano. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 4 because I like both contralto's and soprano's. And I'm sure both types of women would sing well. This is a very nice musical dynamic personification. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 83'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- A race that binds<br>Its body in chains and calls them Liberty,<br>And calls each fresh link Progress.<br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) but would extend this slightly to read: :: ''Even on the white English crags <br> A few strong spirits, in a race that binds <br> Its body in chains and calls them Liberty, <br> And calls each fresh link Progress, stood erect <br> With faces pale that hunger'd to the light.'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- [[w:Cassandra|Cassandra]] in Greek legend, you recall, was condemned to know the future but to be disbelieved when she foretold it. Hence the agony of foreknowledge combined with the impotence to do anything about it.. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- I love the life of an actor because you spend brief amounts of time with other people and then you just leave. I need to be alone a lot, and I need the outdoors. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- I'd just love to see a great love story, and nobody makes them anymore. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = To disobey a law of the universe was impossible, not insane | author = Brian Aldiss }} * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = It is generally thought very ridiculous to pretend to write an Heroic Poem, or a fine Discourse upon any Subject, without understanding the Propriety of the Language wrote in; and to me it seems no less ridiculous for one to pretend to make a good Picture without understanding Perspective... | author = Brook Taylor }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.<!-- Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. 'I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my children are. I grew up in Brazil. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here.' A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived Auschwitz. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. --> … Ladies and gentlemen, freedom must not and will not die here. <br /> We must be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it. I have said since January 6, that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near the Oval Office. <br /> This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a conservative Republican. I believe deeply in the principles and the ideals on which my party was founded. I love its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love my country more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us resolve that we will stand together — Republicans, Democrats and independents — against those who would destroy our republic. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans united in defense of our Constitution and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with God's help, we will prevail. | author = Liz Cheney }} * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:12, 18 August 2022 (UTC); recent remarks conceding an election defeat while declaring a firm determination to uphold truth against lies. ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> qhuww9clwn10plq1rll0p85zl4s5u3z 3155703 3155687 2022-08-18T00:36:11Z Kalki 71 updates wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="18" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 18|August 18]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2003 : It's a thingy! A fiendish thingy! ~ [[George Harrison]] in ''[[w:Help! (film)|Help!]]'' :* selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] ; 2004 : The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~ [[Lily Tomlin]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : If you continue to hate, you are entering into the same philosophy that began the war. You have to look forward at people and new times. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (born 18 August 1933) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them. They show us the state of our decay. ~ [[Brian Aldiss]] (born 18 August 1925) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:31, 17 August 2006 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2007 : What we say is the truth is what everybody accepts … Psychiatry: it's the latest religion. We decide what's right and wrong. We decide who's crazy or not. I'm in trouble here. I'm losing my faith. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' (born 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:44, 17 August 2007 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC)</s> I have leaned toward this for this year simply because I don't feel there are any especially strong contenders here as yet, wish to reserve the Nabokov quote for next year, and have an admiration of both the film ''12 Monkeys'' and Stowe. I expect to add more from Aldiss and others eventually and the likelihood of quoting her or the movie after that diminishes much.* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 4 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 00:58, 18 August 2007 (UTC). A belated vote for one of my favorite quotes about psychiatry. --> ; 2008 :Oh, my Lolita, I have only words to play with! ~ [[Vladimir Nabokov]] in ''[[Lolita]]'' (50th anniversary of its publication in the United States on 18 August 1958) :* proposed by [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] <!-- * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:53, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 14:57, 4 August 2005 (UTC) <small>—This [[Wikipedia:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment is by [[User:AndyCunningham|AndyCunningham]] ([[User talk:AndyCunningham|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/AndyCunningham|contribs]]) {{{2|}}}.</small> * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:44, 19 August 2007 (UTC) <s>1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:52, 17 August 2007 (UTC) / 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) no strong desire to use this as yet, but I might lean towards a 3 or maybe even a 4 next year (its 50th publishing anniversary), and thus lowered my initial ranking to help keep it in reserve for that.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' <br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]]<!-- Beauty and Truth, tho’ never found, are worthy to be sought. ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:07, 17 August 2009 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC)</s> but would prefer to extend this to read: :: ''Tho' the world could turn from you, <br> This, at least, I learn from you: <br> Beauty and Truth, tho' never found, are worthy to be sought, <br> The singer, upward-springing, <br> Is grander than his singing, <br> And tranquil self-sufficing joy illumes the dark of thought.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC)--> ; 2010 : ''I saw the starry Tree <br> Eternity <br> Put forth the blossom Time.'' <br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 10:23, 15 August 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : ''I ask no more from mortals<br>Than your beautiful face implies,— <br> The beauty the artist beholding <br> Interprets and sanctifies. <br> Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.''<br> ~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4, </s>but would extend this to: :: ''Who says that men have fallen, <br> That life is wretched and rough? <br> I say, the world is lovely, <br> And that loveliness is enough.'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:08, 19 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = I can't help [[Belief|believing]] that these things that come from the subconscious [[mind]] have a sort of [[truth]] to them. It may not be a [[Science|scientific]] truth, but it's [[Psychology|psychological]] truth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <font style= "color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</font> 21:54, 9 August 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote =<p>''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!''</p><p>''And countless [[voices]] far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the [[sky]] — <br>"[[All]] that is [[beautiful]] shall abide, <br>All that is [[Evil|base]] shall [[die]]."''</p> | author = Robert Williams Buchanan }} :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 02:52, 14 August 2013 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC),</s> but would prefer to extend this for context and could give this a four: :: ''In [[w:Balder|Balder]]'s hand [[w:Christ|Christ]] placed His own,<br> And it was golden weather, <br> And on that berg as on a throne <br> The Brethren stood together!<p> And countless voices far and wide <br> Sang sweet beneath the sky — <br>"All that is beautiful shall abide, <br>All that is base shall die."'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Very weak without context?'' --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = Whatever [[creativity]] is, it is in part a [[solution]] to a [[problem]]. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)<s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. // I would rank this as one of the best as yet suggested here, but feel a certain inclination to use the Madeleine Stowe quote on Psychiatry this year in expectation of using the Nabokov one next year.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Life]] was a [[pleasure]]; he looked back at its [[moments]], many of them as shrouded in mist as the opposite bank of the Thames. Objectively, many of them held only [[misery]], [[fear]], [[confusion]]; but afterward, and even at the time, he had known an [[exhilaration]] stronger than the misery, fear, or confusion. A fragment of [[belief]] came to him from another [[epoch]]: ''[[w:Cogito ergo sum|Cogito ergo sum]]''. For him that had not been true; his [[truth]] had been: ''Sentio ergo sum''. I [[feel]], so I [[exist]]. He enjoyed this fearful, miserable, confused life, and not only because it made more sense than nonlife. He could never [[explain]] that to anyone. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!--* 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:00, 17 August 2015 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> When the first flint, the first shell, was shaped into a [[weapon]], that action shaped [[Mankind|man]]. As he molded and complicated his tools, so they molded and complicated him. He became the first [[scientific]] [[animal]]. And at last, via [[information theory]] and great [[computers]], he gained [[knowledge]] of all his parts. He formed the [[Laws]] of [[Integration]], which reveal all beings as part of a [[pattern]] and show them their part in the pattern. There is only the pattern; the pattern is [[all]] the [[universe]], [[creator]] and created. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> If we can see our [[difficulties]], there is a way of [[Solution|resolving]] them, or the [[hope]] of a way. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:56, 17 August 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Perhaps the first [[fire]], the first tool, the first wheel, the first carving in a limestone cave, had each possessed a [[symbolic]] rather than a practical [[value]], had each been pressed to serve distortion rather than [[reality]]. It was a sort of [[madness]] that had driven man from his humble sites on the edges of the woods into towns and cities, into [[arts]] and [[wars]], into [[religious]] crusades, into [[martyrdom]] and [[prostitution]], into dyspepsia and [[fasting]], into [[love]] and [[hatred]], into this present cul-de-sac; it had all come about in pursuit of symbols. In the [[beginning]] was the symbol, and [[darkness]] was over the face of the Earth. | author = Brian Aldiss }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:30, 17 August 2018 (UTC) <s> 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:54, 16 August 2014 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Part of my lifestyle you should all [[remember]] is having [[fun]]. Being [[Comedy|funny]] is a big part of it. After all, if one is in tune, funny is the tune to play. Giving [[laughter]] is more fun than giving [[advice]]. Giving laughter while giving advice is the jackpot. | author = Peter Fonda }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:29, 18 August 2019 (UTC) -->, in regard to his recent death. ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[true]] and best way of [[learning]] any [[Art]], is not to see a great many [[Examples]] done by another Person, but to possess ones seIf first of the [[Principles]] of it, and then to make them familiar, by [[exercising]] ones [[self]] in the [[Practice]]. For it is Practice alone, that makes a [[Human|Man]] [[perfect]] in any thing. | author = Brook Taylor }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I [[feel]] that the [[end]] of my days is drawing near; my [[senses]] are failing me; my [[delight]] and [[strength]] in creating [[songs]] are gone; he, who was once honored by half of [[Europe]], is forgotten; others have come and are the objects of [[admiration]]; one must give place to another. [[Nothing]] remains for me but [[trust]] in [[God]], and the [[hope]] of an unclouded [[existence]] in the Land of [[Peace]]. | author = Antonio Salieri }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:12, 17 August 2021 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->[[America]] has meant so much to so many because we are the best [[hope]] of [[freedom]] on [[earth]].<!-- Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. 'I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my children are. I grew up in Brazil. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here.' A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived Auschwitz. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. --> … Ladies and gentlemen, freedom must not and will not die here. <br /> We must be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it. I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. | author = Liz Cheney }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:12, 18 August 2022 (UTC) -->; recent remarks conceding an election defeat while declaring a firm determination to uphold truth against lies. ; 2023 : ''[[August 18|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> <!-- ---- '''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --> ---- {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == The pleasure and joy of man lies in treading down the rebel and conquering the enemy, in tearing him up by the root, in taking from him all that he has. - [[Genghis Khan]], died this day. * 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:32, 31 July 2005 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:00, 16 August 2007 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 0. * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 3 because the desire to completely dominate exists in mankind and this quote says it perfectly, Khan had the tendency to say it as it was. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''Not for the content / meaning, but I think it fits well as QOTD.'' ---- You have to show violence the way it is. If you don't show it realistically, then that's immoral and harmful. If you don't upset people, then that's obscenity. ~ [[Roman Polański]] (date of birth) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:12, 16 August 2005 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:31, 17 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) * 3 [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]], 4 if the image references either [[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]], or [[The Pianist (2002 film)|The Pianist]]; although an image from a film about occultists with a quote about realism is an odd combination. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 23:10, 17 August 2022 (UTC) ---- Ach! I know. If I were to play the ''Pathetique'' or the ''Moonlight Sonata'' for the high judges, they would let me off. But my defense unfortunately will not be musical. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 3 because the sheer thought of a musical defense would be interesting. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 82'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ''I usually do not agree with Zarbon's votes here (and never his reasonings), but there '''is''' "something" to this quote.'' ---- I can spot a musical type. I can tell by looking at a woman whether she is a contralto or a soprano. ~ [[Walther Funk]] (born August 18) * 4 because I like both contralto's and soprano's. And I'm sure both types of women would sing well. This is a very nice musical dynamic personification. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:29, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 83'' * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- A race that binds<br>Its body in chains and calls them Liberty,<br>And calls each fresh link Progress.<br>~ [[Robert Williams Buchanan]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:58, 28 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 08:13, 17 August 2008 (UTC) but would extend this slightly to read: :: ''Even on the white English crags <br> A few strong spirits, in a race that binds <br> Its body in chains and calls them Liberty, <br> And calls each fresh link Progress, stood erect <br> With faces pale that hunger'd to the light.'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:46, 17 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|"I'm listening...."]])'' 05:55, 12 August 2009 (UTC) ---- [[w:Cassandra|Cassandra]] in Greek legend, you recall, was condemned to know the future but to be disbelieved when she foretold it. Hence the agony of foreknowledge combined with the impotence to do anything about it.. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] as "Dr. Kathryn Railly" in ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- I love the life of an actor because you spend brief amounts of time with other people and then you just leave. I need to be alone a lot, and I need the outdoors. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- I'd just love to see a great love story, and nobody makes them anymore. ~ [[Madeleine Stowe]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 02:42, 16 August 2011 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = To disobey a law of the universe was impossible, not insane | author = Brian Aldiss }} * 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 16 August 2016 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = It is generally thought very ridiculous to pretend to write an Heroic Poem, or a fine Discourse upon any Subject, without understanding the Propriety of the Language wrote in; and to me it seems no less ridiculous for one to pretend to make a good Picture without understanding Perspective... | author = Brook Taylor }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:12, 18 August 2020 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> 9izlspvi87xrd2nk94vr8fzi8b03n74 0 36399 3155775 2688955 2022-08-18T06:16:55Z 2601:1C2:600:C1C0:0:0:0:2752 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Support Your Local Sheriff!|Support Your Local Sheriff!]]''''' is a 1969 comic western film. {{film-stub}} == Dialogue == :'''Tom Jeffreys''': All this may seem ''very'' amusing to the Mayor and the members of the Town Council, but we mine-owners haven't had a thing to laugh about since we started here! :'''Olly Perkins''': We don't think it's funny, Tom- we just don't know what to do about it. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': For that matter, what we need is a new Mayor and a Town Council that ''does'' know what to do about it! :'''Olly Perkins''': Now, what kinda talk is that?! We all know the only reason I'm Mayor and the other two are Councilmen, is because nobody else ''wanted'' the job. And don't forget, Tom, ''we're'' all mine-owners ourselves! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Well, do you ''enjoy'' giving twenty percent of everything you take out of the mines to the Danby family? :'''Henry Johnson''': Why would we ''enjoy'' it? :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Well, alright then! Let's ''do'' something about it! :'''Olly Perkins''': ''What?'' You all know the situation! ''[gestures at a map]'' There's us, here in Calendar, and there's Galena where we've gotta ship our gold- and there's the Danby ranch, halfway in between! The road even runs through their property. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, fine, then we'll build the road around their property. :'''Olly Perkins''': HOW?! They own that whole valley! :'''Fred Jackson''': Besides, if they don't get their twenty percent, they just hold up every stage that comes through, and take ''all'' of it! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, but we've ''gotta'' do something! Even if it means bringing troops in here! :'''Olly Perkins, Henry Johnson, Fred Jackson''': ''Troops?!'' :'''Olly Perkins''': What troops? From where? The nearest troops are five hundred miles away! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, then we recruit our own. :'''Olly Perkins''': How? We can't even recruit enough ''dishwashers'', so how are we gonna raise any troops? :'''Henry Johnson''': Nobody wants to stop prospecting long enough to take a ''bath'', let alone join an army. :'''Olly Perkins''': It all happened so fast, we haven't had a chance to really get organized yet. :'''Fred Jackson''': ''[nods]'' And the Danbys are taking advantage of it. :'''Henry Johnson''': ''[points out the window]'' There goes one of 'em now. :'''Fred Johnson''': Which one's he? :'''Olly Perkins''': Joe. Out of the father and three brothers, he's about the second-toughest. :'''Henry Johnson''': They ''all'' act like they own the place. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': ''[darkly]'' The way things are set up right now, they ''do.'' And it's gonna stay that way, 'til we can find ourselves a sheriff that won't turn tail and run the minute someone takes a shot at him! ---- :'''Joe Danby''': ''[having just killed a man in a draw at the saloon]'' Alright, y'all saw it! And it was a fair fight. He drew first... so it's self-defense. :'''Bartender''': Oh, I saw it, Joe, he drew first! :'''Barfly''': Oh, you couldn't call that anything ''but'' self-defense! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it ''wasn't''. And ''he'' didn't draw first; ''you'' did. ''[Everyone stares at McCullough, stunned; Joe approaches him menacingly]'' :'''Joe Danby''': ...What do you mean by that? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, it's an old trick. You did it pretty well; not ''really'' well, but pretty well. You feinted him into drawing with your left shoulder, while you were going for your gun with your right hand. It's an old Arizona trick, but I- I have seen it used as far north as Montana. :'''Joe Danby''': ''[nods]''... Are you callin' me a liar? :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, now you heard every word I said, and not ''once'' did I call you a liar. All I said was, you feinted him with your left shoulder into going for his gun while you were going for yours with your right hand. :'''Joe Danby''': So what? :'''Jason McCullough''': You beat that poor man to the draw. ''[coldly]'' He's dead, and you're alive; that's the whole idea of the ''game'', isn't it? :'''Joe Danby''':... What's your name? :'''Jason McCullough''': Jason McCullough. What's yours? :'''Joe Danby''': Joe Danby. And ''you'' had better remember it. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I'll remember it, Joe. ''[sarcastically]'' That's about all I'm gonna do, the rest of my life, is go around remembering your name. ''[finishes his drink and leaves]'' ---- :'''Jason McCullough''': Is there some kinda badge that comes with this job? :'''Olly Perkins''': Oh, you bet there is! ''[he brings it over]'' I'm afraid it's a little bent-up. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, that's no trouble. ''[examines a bullet-dent in the badge]'' Must've save the life of whoever was wearing it at the time. :'''Olly Perkins''': Well it sure would've, if it hadn't been for all them ''other'' bullets flyin' in from everywhere! ---- ''[McCollough, having been appointed the new Sheriff, breaks up a fight by spraying the brawlers with a hose while the Mayor and the Town Council gleefully power the fire-pump]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Break it up! ''[the various mud-covered townspeople stagger apart and stare at him as the water is turned off]'' :'''Jake''': Whattaya think you're tryin' to do?! :'''Jason McCullough''': Stoppin' a fight. :'''Jake''': Who're you? :'''Jason McCullough''': Ah, I'm the new Sheriff. ''[gestures to his badge]'' :'''Jake''': ''[grins]'' Oh- we got a new Sheriff! ''[the townspeople laugh]'' Let's see if he scares as easy as the ''last'' Sheriff. ''[He goes for his gun, but McCullough draws faster, firing right next to Jake's boot; Jake and the townspeople all jump.]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Now, I want all you people to quit disturbing the peace, and clean up this mess. :'''Jake''': Uh, yes sir. Anything else? :'''Jason McCullough''': You got a name? :'''Jake''': Jake. :'''Jason McCullough''': All right, now Jake, I want you to go down to the men's saloon. There's a fellow in there by the name of Joe Danby. You tell him I remember his name, and he's under arrest for murder. I'll be around to pick him up in about twenty minutes. :'''Jake''': ''[looking horrified]''...You talking to me? :'''Jason McCullough''': You hard of hearin'? :'''Jake''': You want me... to go tell Joe Danby... that he's under arrest for murder?! ''[McCullough nods]'' What are you gonna do after he kills me?! :'''Jason McCullough''': Then I'll arrest him for ''both'' murders. ---- :'''Jason McCullough''': ''[Relaxing against a tree]'' Hey Jake! How do you think we ought to split whatever we find? Sixty-forty? :'''Jake''': ''[With backpack filled with dynamite and equipment on his back and a wet fish in either hand]'' Sixty for who, and forty for who? :'''Jason McCullough''': There you see? See what gold does to men? We haven't even found anything, and already we're arguing about it! :'''Jake''': Sixty for who, and forty for who? :'''Jason McCullough''': I just wish you could see the greed in your face. :'''Jake''': What you mean is sixty for you, and forty for me! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well thank you Jake. That's very generous of you. ----- ''[Joe sneaks out of the unfinished jail, carrying his revolver and ammunition belt, only to find McCullough leaning against the wall around the corner.]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Joe. ''[Joe jumps and starts to pull his revolver out of the holster]'' I took the bullets out. You just won't play the game, will you? I keep layin' down the rules, and you don't pay any attention. :'''Joe Danby''': ''[glowers as he hands over the gun and belt]'' You just wait 'til my Pa and two brothers find out you got me in here, boy. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I'm lookin' forward to meetin' your whole family. ''[he leads Joe back inside the jail]'' :'''Joe Danby''': If it weren't bad enough that I had to get dragged outta that saloon in front of all my friends... :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I don't think you have all that many friends that you really need to worry. :'''Joe Danby''': Then I have to sit there in that lousy cell! ''[he returns to the cell and sits down]'' Pa's gonna skin me alive for gettin' caught! :'''Jason McCullough''': He don't mind you ''murdering'' a man, he just doesn't like you gettin' caught, huh? :'''Joe Danby''': ''[holds out his wrists as McCullough puts handcuffs on him]'' I didn't murder anybody, that was self-defense! It was him or me! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, we'll let the ''judge'' decide that. Ah, we...''do'' have a judge around here, don't we? :'''Joe Danby''': We never needed one 'til ''you'' came along and ruined everything! :'''Jason McCullough''': Spoiled all your fun, huh, Joe? :'''Joe Danby''': You can say that again! ''[he notices McCullough emptying bullets from his revolver]'' Oh, ''that''s funny. ''[McCullough grins, winks at him and walks away]'' That's REAL funny! ----- :'''Pa Danby''': That's a lousy jail you got back there. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, we're just getting started. ''[Jake enters, then jumps when he sees Danby]'' :'''Pa Danby''': What's ''he'' supposed to be? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, that's my deputy. ''[Jake shows his badge]'' :'''Pa Danby''': Why, just last week he was shovelin' horse- he was workin' around the stables! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, he's been promoted. :'''Pa Danby''': ...I'm gonna find out what's happenin' to this town! ''[storms out]'' :'''Jake''':... What'd Danby want? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, he came in, we talked a little while, he went in to see Joe, he came back out, we talked a bit more, then he left. ''[Jake nods]'' You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man. :'''Jake''': ''Lonely?'' Danby?! Why, he's a mean, low-down no-good bushwhacker! :'''Jason McCullough''': There, you see? No wonder he's lonely. ''[Jake looks confused]'' ----- :'''Luke Danby''': Why don't the three of us go over there together? I don't care if he ''is'' the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere. :'''Pa Danby''': Who says he's the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere? :'''Tom Danby''': ''Everyone.'' That's all they're talkin' about, all over town! :'''Luke Danby''': Besides, what could he do against three of us? :'''Pa Danby''': He could kill ''two'' of us. :'''Tom Danby''': So who's gonna take care of him? :'''Luke Danby''': Well, who says anybody's gotta take care of him? Why don't we just run him outta town, like we did the last Sheriff? :'''Pa Danby''': Because this one wants ''gold.'' :'''Tom Danby''': ... You ain't talkin' like yourself, Pa. :'''Luke Danby''': Yeah, it was always ''you'' chargin' in, and us two tryin' to hold you back. :'''Tom Danby''': He didn't throw a scare into you, did he, Pa? ''[Pa glares at him]'' I- I didn't mean that the way it sounded! I didn't mean, "did he throw a ''scare'' into you", I meant... well, what ''did'' he do to you, Pa? :'''Pa Danby''': He maybe made me more ''thoughtful''. He ''maybe'' made me realize, that now that we've got a little money for the first time in our lives, and- and got a chance to get a ''whole'' lot more... this'd be a ''dumb'' time to find out who's the fastest with a gun, us or some show-off who might get lucky even if he ''weren't'' good! :'''Luke Danby''': So what ''are'' we gonna do about him? :'''Pa Danby''': Ah, there's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired. :'''Luke Danby''': But you always say "the Danbys fight their ''own'' battles." :'''Pa Danby''':... Well, maybe I was talking about another ''branch'' of the family. (''Luke and Tom look confused'') Now, I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow, and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone- I don't want no one to make no ''martyr'' out of that sheriff. :'''Tom Danby''':... What's a martyr? :'''Pa Danby''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, I'm sorry- they didn't use words like that in the ''third grade'', did they? :'''Tom Danby''': How would ''I'' know? I never got ''that'' far. ---- :'''Prudi Perkins''': I mean, do you remember what this town was like before? Murdering, lynching, miners shooting up the place day and night? :'''Fred Jackson''': And aside from the few things you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad town at all! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0065051| title=Support Your Local Sheriff!}} [[Category:Western films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:1969 films]] mtcdop2v5vojgk6f1bhso553fv0fg5o 3155776 3155775 2022-08-18T06:20:19Z 2601:1C2:600:C1C0:0:0:0:2752 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Support Your Local Sheriff!|Support Your Local Sheriff!]]''''' is a 1969 comic western film. {{film-stub}} == Dialogue == :'''Tom Jeffreys''': All this may seem ''very'' amusing to the Mayor and the members of the Town Council, but we mine-owners haven't had a thing to laugh about since we started here! :'''Olly Perkins''': We don't think it's funny, Tom- we just don't know what to do about it. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': For that matter, what we need is a new Mayor and a Town Council that ''does'' know what to do about it! :'''Olly Perkins''': Now, what kinda talk is that?! We all know the only reason I'm Mayor and the other two are Councilmen, is because nobody else ''wanted'' the job. And don't forget, Tom, ''we're'' all mine-owners ourselves! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Well, do you ''enjoy'' giving twenty percent of everything you take out of the mines to the Danby family? :'''Henry Johnson''': Why would we ''enjoy'' it? :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Well, alright then! Let's ''do'' something about it! :'''Olly Perkins''': ''What?'' You all know the situation! ''[gestures at a map]'' There's us, here in Calendar, and there's Galena where we've gotta ship our gold- and there's the Danby ranch, halfway in between! The road even runs through their property. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, fine, then we'll build the road around their property. :'''Olly Perkins''': HOW?! They own that whole valley! :'''Fred Jackson''': Besides, if they don't get their twenty percent, they just hold up every stage that comes through, and take ''all'' of it! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, but we've ''gotta'' do something! Even if it means bringing troops in here! :'''Olly Perkins, Henry Johnson, Fred Jackson''': ''Troops?!'' :'''Olly Perkins''': What troops? From where? The nearest troops are five hundred miles away! :'''Tom Jeffreys''': Alright, then we recruit our own. :'''Olly Perkins''': How? We can't even recruit enough ''dishwashers'', so how are we gonna raise any troops? :'''Henry Johnson''': Nobody wants to stop prospecting long enough to take a ''bath'', let alone join an army. :'''Olly Perkins''': It all happened so fast, we haven't had a chance to really get organized yet. :'''Fred Jackson''': ''[nods]'' And the Danbys are taking advantage of it. :'''Henry Johnson''': ''[points out the window]'' There goes one of 'em now. :'''Fred Johnson''': Which one's he? :'''Olly Perkins''': Joe. Out of the father and three brothers, he's about the second-toughest. :'''Henry Johnson''': They ''all'' act like they own the place. :'''Tom Jeffreys''': ''[darkly]'' The way things are set up right now, they ''do.'' And it's gonna stay that way, 'til we can find ourselves a sheriff that won't turn tail and run the minute someone takes a shot at him! ---- :'''Joe Danby''': ''[having just killed a man in a draw at the saloon]'' Alright, y'all saw it! And it was a fair fight. He drew first... so it's self-defense. :'''Bartender''': Oh, I saw it, Joe, he drew first! :'''Barfly''': Oh, you couldn't call that anything ''but'' self-defense! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it ''wasn't''. And ''he'' didn't draw first; ''you'' did. ''[Everyone stares at McCullough, stunned; Joe approaches him menacingly]'' :'''Joe Danby''': ...What do you mean by that? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, it's an old trick. You did it pretty well; not ''really'' well, but pretty well. You feinted him into drawing with your left shoulder, while you were going for your gun with your right hand. It's an old Arizona trick, but I- I have seen it used as far north as Montana. :'''Joe Danby''': ''[nods]''... Are you callin' me a liar? :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, now you heard every word I said, and not ''once'' did I call you a liar. All I said was, you feinted him with your left shoulder into going for his gun while you were going for yours with your right hand. :'''Joe Danby''': So what? :'''Jason McCullough''': You beat that poor man to the draw. ''[coldly]'' He's dead, and you're alive; that's the whole idea of the ''game'', isn't it? :'''Joe Danby''':... What's your name? :'''Jason McCullough''': Jason McCullough. What's yours? :'''Joe Danby''': Joe Danby. And ''you'' had better remember it. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I'll remember it, Joe. ''[sarcastically]'' That's about all I'm gonna do, the rest of my life, is go around remembering your name. ''[finishes his drink and leaves]'' ---- :'''Jason McCullough''': Is there some kinda badge that comes with this job? :'''Olly Perkins''': Oh, you bet there is! ''[he brings it over]'' I'm afraid it's a little bent-up. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, that's no trouble. ''[examines a bullet-dent in the badge]'' Must've save the life of whoever was wearing it at the time. :'''Olly Perkins''': Well it sure would've, if it hadn't been for all them ''other'' bullets flyin' in from everywhere! ---- ''[McCollough, having been appointed the new Sheriff, breaks up a fight by spraying the brawlers with a hose while the Mayor and the Town Council gleefully power the fire-pump]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Break it up! ''[the various mud-covered townspeople stagger apart and stare at him as the water is turned off]'' :'''Jake''': Whattaya think you're tryin' to do?! :'''Jason McCullough''': Stoppin' a fight. :'''Jake''': Who're you? :'''Jason McCullough''': Ah, I'm the new Sheriff. ''[gestures to his badge]'' :'''Jake''': ''[grins]'' Oh- we got a new Sheriff! ''[the townspeople laugh]'' Let's see if he scares as easy as the ''last'' Sheriff. ''[He goes for his gun, but McCullough draws faster, firing right next to Jake's boot; Jake and the townspeople all jump.]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Now, I want all you people to quit disturbing the peace, and clean up this mess. :'''Jake''': Uh, yes sir. Anything else? :'''Jason McCullough''': You got a name? :'''Jake''': Jake. :'''Jason McCullough''': All right, now Jake, I want you to go down to the men's saloon. There's a fellow in there by the name of Joe Danby. You tell him I remember his name, and he's under arrest for murder. I'll be around to pick him up in about twenty minutes. :'''Jake''': ''[looking horrified]''...You talking to me? :'''Jason McCullough''': You hard of hearin'? :'''Jake''': You want me... to go tell Joe Danby... that he's under arrest for murder?! ''[McCullough nods]'' What are you gonna do after he kills me?! :'''Jason McCullough''': Then I'll arrest him for ''both'' murders. ---- :'''Jason McCullough''': ''[Relaxing against a tree]'' Hey Jake! How do you think we ought to split whatever we find? Sixty-forty? :'''Jake''': ''[With backpack filled with dynamite and equipment on his back and a wet fish in either hand]'' Sixty for who, and forty for who? :'''Jason McCullough''': There you see? See what gold does to men? We haven't even found anything, and already we're arguing about it! :'''Jake''': Sixty for who, and forty for who? :'''Jason McCullough''': I just wish you could see the greed in your face. :'''Jake''': What you mean is sixty for you, and forty for me! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well thank you Jake. That's very generous of you. ----- ''[Joe sneaks out of the unfinished jail, carrying his revolver and ammunition belt, only to find McCullough leaning against the wall around the corner.]'' :'''Jason McCullough''': Joe. ''[Joe jumps and starts to pull his revolver out of the holster]'' I took the bullets out. You just won't play the game, will you? I keep layin' down the rules, and you don't pay any attention. :'''Joe Danby''': ''[glowers as he hands over the gun and belt]'' You just wait 'til my Pa and two brothers find out you got me in here, boy. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I'm lookin' forward to meetin' your whole family. ''[he leads Joe back inside the jail]'' :'''Joe Danby''': If it weren't bad enough that I had to get dragged outta that saloon in front of all my friends... :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, I don't think you have all that many friends that you really need to worry. :'''Joe Danby''': Then I have to sit there in that lousy cell! ''[he returns to the cell and sits down]'' Pa's gonna skin me alive for gettin' caught! :'''Jason McCullough''': He don't mind you ''murdering'' a man, he just doesn't like you gettin' caught, huh? :'''Joe Danby''': ''[holds out his wrists as McCullough puts handcuffs on him]'' I didn't murder anybody, that was self-defense! It was him or me! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, we'll let the ''judge'' decide that. Ah, we...''do'' have a judge around here, don't we? :'''Joe Danby''': We never needed one 'til ''you'' came along and ruined everything! :'''Jason McCullough''': Spoiled all your fun, huh, Joe? :'''Joe Danby''': You can say that again! ''[he notices McCullough emptying bullets from his revolver]'' Oh, ''that''s funny. ''[McCullough grins, winks at him and walks away]'' That's REAL funny! ----- :'''Pa Danby''': That's a lousy jail you got back there. :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, we're just getting started. ''[Jake enters, then jumps when he sees Danby]'' :'''Pa Danby''': What's ''he'' supposed to be? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, that's my deputy. ''[Jake shows his badge]'' :'''Pa Danby''': Why, just last week he was shovelin' horse- he was workin' around the stables! :'''Jason McCullough''': Well, he's been promoted. :'''Pa Danby''': ...I'm gonna find out what's happenin' to this town! ''[storms out]'' :'''Jake''':... What'd Danby want? :'''Jason McCullough''': Oh, he came in, we talked a little while, he went in to see Joe, he came back out, we talked a bit more, then he left. ''[Jake nods]'' You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man. :'''Jake''': ''Lonely?'' Danby?! Why, he's a mean, low-down no-good bushwhacker! :'''Jason McCullough''': There, you see? No wonder he's lonely. ''[Jake looks confused]'' ----- :'''Luke Danby''': Why don't the three of us go over there together? I don't care if he ''is'' the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere. :'''Pa Danby''': Who says he's the fastest gun to ever hit anywhere? :'''Tom Danby''': ''Everyone.'' That's all they're talkin' about, all over town! :'''Luke Danby''': Besides, what could he do against three of us? :'''Pa Danby''': He could kill ''two'' of us. :'''Tom Danby''': So who's gonna take care of him? :'''Luke Danby''': Well, who says anybody's gotta take care of him? Why don't we just run him outta town, like we did the last Sheriff? :'''Pa Danby''': Because this one won't ''go.'' :'''Tom Danby''': ... You ain't talkin' like yourself, Pa. :'''Luke Danby''': Yeah, it was always ''you'' chargin' in, and us two tryin' to hold you back. :'''Tom Danby''': He didn't throw a scare into you, did he, Pa? ''[Pa glares at him]'' I- I didn't mean that the way it sounded! I didn't mean, "did he throw a ''scare'' into you", I meant... well, what ''did'' he do to you, Pa? :'''Pa Danby''': He maybe made me more ''thoughtful''. He ''maybe'' made me realize, that now that we've got a little money for the first time in our lives, and- and got a chance to get a ''whole'' lot more... this'd be a ''dumb'' time to find out who's the fastest with a gun, us or some show-off who might get lucky even if he... even if he ''weren't'' good! :'''Luke Danby''': So what ''are'' we gonna do about him? :'''Pa Danby''': Ah, there's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired. :'''Luke Danby''': But you always say "the Danbys fight their ''own'' battles." :'''Pa Danby''':... Well, maybe I was talking about another ''branch'' of the family. (''Luke and Tom look confused'') Now, I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow, and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone- I don't want no one to make no ''martyr'' out of that sheriff. :'''Tom Danby''':... What's a martyr? :'''Pa Danby''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, I'm sorry- they didn't use words like that in the ''third grade'', did they? :'''Tom Danby''': How would ''I'' know? I never got ''that'' far. ---- :'''Prudi Perkins''': I mean, do you remember what this town was like before? Murdering, lynching, miners shooting up the place day and night? :'''Fred Jackson''': And aside from the few things you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad town at all! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0065051| title=Support Your Local Sheriff!}} [[Category:Western films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:1969 films]] j7afc75yasgcb4k3zpusze6388384ov 0 37248 3155773 3112863 2022-08-18T06:06:01Z 174.44.7.98 /* Kamp Krusty */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} <noinclude>{{wikipedia|The Simpsons (season 4)}} {{Otherusesof|The Simpsons}} '''''[[The Simpsons]]''''' Season 4 [9/24/1992-5/13/1993]</noinclude> ===''[[w:Kamp Krusty|Kamp Krusty]]''=== :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': You're serving us gruel? :'''Dolph''': Not quite. ''[pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front]'' This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference. <hr width=50%/> :''[Krusty has arrived at the camp to deal with the Bart-led riot]'' :'''Bart''': How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. :'''Krusty''': ''[crying]'' They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone! :'''Bart''': Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear! :'''Krusty''': OH MY GOD!! ''[sobs]'' :'''Bart''': Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. :'''Krusty''': Was it a nice hat? :'''Bart''': Oh, yeah! :'''Krusty''': OH MY GOD!! ''[continues sobbing]'' ===''[[w:A Streetcar Named Marge|A Streetcar Named Marge]]''=== :'''Llewelyn Sinclair''': Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth. :'''Marge''': Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. :'''Chief Wiggum''': Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. :'''Llewelyn Sinclair''': Quiet! :'''Chief Wiggum''': Sorry. :'''Llewelyn Sinclair''': I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing ''Hats Off to Chanukkah'', I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by <u>all</u>"... ''[holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline]'' speaks for itself. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Bart''': Are there any jive-talking robots in this play? :'''Marge''': I don't think so. :'''Homer''': Bart, don't ask stupid questions. ''[to Marge]'' Is there any frontal nudity? :'''Marge''': ''[sighs]'' No, Homer. ===''[[w:Homer the Heretic|Homer the Heretic]]''=== :''[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]'' :'''Homer''': God ...? :'''God''': ''[points finger at Homer] '''Thou hast forsaken my church!''''' :'''Homer''': Well, kind of, but – :'''God''': But what? :'''Homer''': I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? :'''God''': Hmm, you've got a point there. ''[sits beside Homer]'' Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team? :'''Homer''': No, [[w:Arizona Cardinals|they moved to Phoenix]]. :'''God''': Oh, yeah. :'''Homer''': You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. :'''God''': ''[sighs]'' I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore. :'''Homer''': Give him one for me. :'''God''': I will. :'''Homer''': So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way. :'''God''': Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]'' :'''Homer''': The Lord is vengeful! ''[falls to his knees]'' O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten! :'''Ned''': Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. :'''[[w:Reverend Timothy Lovejoy|Reverend Lovejoy]]''': No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they ''[points to Ned]'' Christian, ''[Krusty]'' Jew, or ''[Apu]'' ... miscellaneous. :'''[[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|Apu]]''': Hindu! There ''are'' 700 million of us. :'''Reverend Lovejoy''': Aw, that's super. :'''Homer''': I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am. :'''Marge''': Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that. ===''[[w:Lisa the Beauty Queen|Lisa the Beauty Queen]]''=== :'''Lisa''': ''[despondent]'' I'm an ugmo! :'''Homer''': Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear. :'''Lisa''': Fathers ''have'' to say that stuff. ''[Grampa walks by]'' :'''Homer''': Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? :'''[[w:Abraham Simpson|Grampa]]''': No, you're homely as a mule's butt! ''[walks off]'' :'''Homer''': There, see? <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay." :''[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]'' :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me. :'''Lisa''': Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? :'''Homer''': I dunno. Was I drunk? :'''Lisa''': Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do. :'''Homer''': Really? :'''Lisa''': Uh-huh. :'''Homer''': Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? :'''Lisa''': It's a deal. ===''[[w:Treehouse of Horror III|Treehouse of Horror III]]''=== :'''Homer''': Do you sell toys? :'''Shopkeeper''': We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt. :'''Homer''': Well, I need something for my son's birthday. :'''Shopkeeper''': Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. ''[picks a Krusty the Clown doll]'' Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse. :'''Homer''': ''[worried]'' Ooooh, that's bad. :'''Shopkeeper''': But it comes with a free frogurt. :'''Homer''': ''[relieved]'' That's good. :'''Shopkeeper''': The frogurt is also cursed. :'''Homer''': ''[worried]'' That's bad. :'''Shopkeeper''': But you get your choice of topping. :'''Homer''': ''[relieved]'' That's good. :'''Shopkeeper''': The toppings contain potassium benzoate. :'''Homer''': ''[stares]'' :'''Shopkeeper''': That's bad. :'''Homer''': Can I go now? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flanders''': ''[now a zombie]'' Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear? :''[Homer accidentally shot off Flanders right behind the pink sedan.]'' :'''Bart''': Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders! :'''Homer''': ''[quizzically]'' He was a zombie? ===''[[w:Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie|Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie]]''=== :'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': What are we gonna have? :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison. :'''Lisa''': What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Poison pizza. :'''Homer''': Oh no, I'm not making two stops. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homer''': Someday you'll thank me for this, son. :'''Bart''': Not bloody likely. :'''Homer''': No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. :'''Bart''': Dad, what's the point of this story? :'''Homer''': I like stories. :'''Bart''': Look, can I please go to the movie? :'''Homer''': I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV. :'''Bart''': TV sucks. :'''Homer''': ''[low, angry voice]'' I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that. ===''[[w:Marge Gets a Job|Marge Gets a Job]]''=== :'''[[w:Mr. Burns|Mr. Burns]]''': Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. ''[laughs]'' :'''Smithers''': But sir, that's my office. :'''Mr. Burns''': Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is. :''[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]'' :'''Smithers''': Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better? :'''Homer''': ''[bursts in and unzips his fly.]'' Aw man, I really gotta... :'''Smithers''': '''''NOOOOO!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marge''': So do you think I have a case? :'''[[w:Lionel Hutz|Lionel Hutz]]''': Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. ''[he produces a bottle from his desk]'' Care to join me in a belt of Scotch? :'''Marge''': It's 9:30 in the morning. :'''Lionel Hutz''': Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. ''[takes a generous swig]'' Last chance... ''[Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle]'' Oh, yeah.... ===''[[w:New Kid on the Block|New Kid on the Block]]''=== :''[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]'' :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': ''[to Bart and Lisa]'' Shut up, you little monsters!! ''[to the phone]'' I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. :''[On the other end of the line.]'' :'''Woman''': I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now. :''[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]'' :'''Abby''': No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lionel Hutz''': Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant. :'''Marge''': We pretty much went straight home. :'''Lionel Hutz''': Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath. :'''Marge''': We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant. :'''Lionel Hutz''': And when you couldn't find any? :'''Marge''': ''[crying]'' We went fishing! :'''Lionel Hutz''': ''[to the jury]'' Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat? :'''The Jury''': ''[all of whom are incredibly obese]'' No! :'''One Particular Fat Juror''': That could have been '''me!''' ===''[[w:Mr. Plow|Mr. Plow]]''=== :'''Homer''': ''[angry]'' Mr. West, you said there was a job for me. :'''[[Adam West]]''': There was. When I called you, ''[camera zooms in dramatically]'' 45 minutes ago. :'''[[w:Barney Gumble|Barney]]''': So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene. :'''[[w:List of media personalities in The Simpsons#Arnie Pye|Arnie Pye]]''': ''[live remote, in a helicopter]'' Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white! :'''Kent Brockman''': ''[impatiently]'' Arnie, please. The ski conditions. :'''Pye''': ''[now upside-down]'' Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- ''[picture fuzzes out]'' :'''Brockman''': ''[chuckles]'' That's great, Arnie. ===''[[w:Lisa's First Word|Lisa's First Word]]''=== :''[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]'' :'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me? :'''Company Agent''': Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose. :'''Krusty''': ''[satisfied]'' I like, I like! :'''Aide''': This just came in over the wires, Big K! ''[hands him a paper sheet]'' :'''Krusty''': ''[reading]'' "[[w:1984 Summer Olympics boycott|Soviet boycott]], U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway? :'''Company Agent''': Let's see. ''[punches numbers into a calculator]'' You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. ''[Krusty sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV Announcer''': Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger. :'''Krusty''': ''[furious]'' YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! ''[sobs]'' I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger! :'''Homer''': ''[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers]'' I like those odds. ===''[[w:Homer's Triple Bypass|Homer's Triple Bypass]]''=== :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation. :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': We feel neither highs or lows. :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Really? What's it like? :'''Lisa''': ''[shrugs]'' Eh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Hey hey! ''[goofy laugh]'' ''[Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.]'' Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance! :'''Homer''': Krusty, why are you here? :'''Krusty''': Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump." :'''Homer''': Well, I could use a laugh. :'''Krusty''': Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! ''[Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.]'' I'm in the zipper club myself! ''[lights a cigarette]'' :'''Homer''': You seem pretty healthy. :'''Krusty''': Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup! ===''[[w:Marge vs. the Monorail|Marge vs. the Monorail]]''=== :'''Lyle Lanley''': I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say? :'''Ned''': Monorail! :'''Lyle''': What's it called? :'''Patty and Selma''': Monorail. :'''Lyle''': That's right, monorail! ''(the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)'' :'''Ms. Hoover''': I hear those things are awfully loud. :'''Lyle''': It glides as softly as a cloud. :'''[[w:Apu Nahasapeemapetilon|Apu]]''': Is there a chance the track could bend? :'''Lyle''': Not on your life, my Hindu friend. :'''Barney''': What about us brain-dead slobs? :'''Lyle''': You'll be given cushy jobs. :'''Abe Simpson''': Were you sent here by the Devil? :'''Lyle''': No, good sir, I'm on the level. :'''Chief Wiggum''': The ring came off my pudding can. :'''Lyle''': Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice! :'''All''': Monoraaaaaaail! ('''Lyle''': What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! ('''Lyle''': Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!! :'''Marge''': But Main Street's still all cracked and broken. :'''Bart''': Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken. :'''All''': Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL! :'''Homer''': Mono... ''[realizes the song is over]'' D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A solar eclipse forms outside]'' :'''[[Leonard Nimoy]]''': A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on. :'''Male Passenger''': Does anyone want to switch seats? ===''[[w:Selma's Choice|Selma's Choice]]''=== :'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time. :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': We understand. :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': No use complaining about something you can't change. :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now! :'''Marge''': Homer, quit pouting. :'''Homer''': I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hans Moleman''': ''[reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing]'' R, Q, J, question mark? Smiley face? :(Selma stamps his driver's license 'VOID') :'''Selma Bouvier''': ''[voids driver's license]'' Next! Wait a minute-it says here you're single. :'''Hans Moleman''': Did I do wrong? :'''Hans''': ''[cut to Selma and Hans at a fancy restaurant. Hans is trying to read the menu]'' Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman. :'''Waitress''': You're reading the wine list, sir. :'''Hans''': Very good. ===''[[w:Brother from the Same Planet|Brother from the Same Planet]]''=== :''[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]'' :'''Bart''': Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. :''[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]'' :'''Martin''': Hey... :''[falls down on the ground, twitching]'' :'''Mrs. Krabappel''': He's not dead, is he Bart? :'''Bart''': Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile. :'''Mrs. Krabappel''': Very good, Bart. Thank you. :'''Bart''': Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented [[Ronald Reagan|eight-year military build-up]]. :'''Mrs. Krabappel''': Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. :'''Milhouse''': Uh, I have a horsey. :''[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]'' :'''Nelson''': Wuss! <hr width=50%> :'''[[w:Kent Brockman|Kent Brockman]]''': This just in, a fist-fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. ''[shot of [[Godzilla]] appears in the background.]'' Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... ''[realizes]'' Grrr! ===''[[w:I Love Lisa|I Love Lisa]]''=== :''[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]'' :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': A Malibu Stacy convertible! ''[she finds a note from Ralph]'' "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". ''[opens trunk]'' Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him. :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test! :'''Lisa''': I'm not sure if I ''should'' go. I don't even like him. :'''Bart''': You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you. :'''Lisa''': But what if he wants to hold hands? :'''Bart''': I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. :'''Lisa''': What if he wants to kiss? :'''Bart''': I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. :'''Lisa''': What if he wants to-- :'''Bart''': You don't want to know how far I'll go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]'' :'''Homer''': Is there a problem, officer? :'''Chief Wiggum''': Yep. Got a tail-light out. :'''Homer''': Where? :'''Wiggum''': ''[smashes a tail-light]'' Right there. :'''Homer''': ''[angrily]'' You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops! :'''Wiggum''': ''[alarmed]'' They are? Oh no! Have they set a date? ===''[[w:Duffless|Duffless]]''=== :''[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]'' :'''[[w:Otto Mann|Otto]]''': My name is Ot-to. I ''love'' to get blot-to. :'''[[w:Hans Moleman|Hans Moleman]]''': My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm ''31'' years old. :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come. :'''[[w:Reverend Timothy Lovejoy|Reverend Lovejoy]]''': Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again. ''[Homer screams and jumps through the window.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homer''': ''[singing]'' [[w:It Was A Very Good Year|When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.]] ===''[[w:Last Exit to Springfield|Last Exit to Springfield]]''=== :'''Mr. Burns''': We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. :'''Homer's Mind''': Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? :'''Mr. Burns''': And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. :'''Homer's Mind''': Wait a minute; is he coming onto me? :'''Mr. Burns''': I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? :'''Homer's Mind''': My God, he ''is'' coming onto me! :'''Mr. Burns''': After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows. ''[chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]'' :'''Homer's Mind''': ''[screams]'' :'''Homer''': ''[gets up]'' Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these [[w:Sodomy|backdoor shenanigans]]. Sure, I'm flattered - maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa.]'' :'''Grampa''': We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. ''[other strikebreakers mutter in agreement]'' One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... ===''[[w:So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show|So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show]]''=== :''[While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]'' :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': April F- ''[an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]'' :''[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]'' :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Eddie and Lou|Lou]]''': That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. :'''[[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]]''': Forget it! That's two blocks away. :'''Lou''': ''[squints]'' Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. :'''Chief Wiggum''': ''[gets out of the car]'' I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8. :'''Lou''': ''[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud]'' We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bart''': Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke. :''[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]'' :'''[[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]]''': Why, you little--!! ''[grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]'' ===''[[w:The Front (The Simpsons)|The Front]]''=== :'''Bobby''': First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson! :'''Homer Simpson''': Oh, my God! :'''Bobby''': How'd you do it, Homer? :'''Homer Simpson''': I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. :'''Bobby''': And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson! :'''Homer Simpson''': Yes! :'''Bobby''': And the person who traveled the least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson! :'''Homer Simpson''': What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut. :'''Principal Dondelinger''': Ahem. Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1-A and thus never graduated from high school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves. :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Cartoons have writers? :'''Lisa''': Eh, sort of. :'''Bart''': Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that. :'''Lisa''': Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Bart''': Probably not. ''[in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint]'' Lie in the snow and count to 60. ''[Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins]'' Hiyah! ''[laughs evilly as he flies into the distance]'' Merry Christmas, suckers! ===''[[w:Whacking Day|Whacking Day]]''=== :''[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]'' :'''[[w:Nelson Muntz|Nelson]]''': Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes? :'''[[w:Seymour Skinner|Principal Skinner]]''': ''[appears]'' Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. ''[closes the door and locks them in]'' :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Jimbo Jones|Jimbo]]''': How are we going to get out of here? :'''Nelson''': And when are we going to get our mountain bikes? :'''Principal Skinner''': ''[outside of the room]'' Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key? :'''[[w:Groundskeeper Willie|Groundskeeper Willie]]''': Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse. :'''Principal Skinner''': Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing. :'''Willie''': Aye, sir. ''[under his breath]'' Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]'' :'''[[w:Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]''': Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you? :'''[[w:Abraham Simpson|Grandpa]]''': I'm an old man. I hate everything but ''[[w:Matlock|Matlock]]''. Ooh, it's on now. :'''Lisa''': Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement? :'''[[w:List of recurring characters in The Simpsons#Mrs. Glick|Mrs. Glick]]''': Snake did. :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White? :'''[[w:Barry White|Barry White]]''': I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby. ===''[[w:Marge in Chains|Marge in Chains]]''=== :'''[[w:Lionel Hutz|Lionel Hutz]]''': Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. :'''[[w:Marge Simpson|Marge]]''': Is that bad? :'''Lionel Hutz''': Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. :'''Marge''': You did? :'''Lionel Hutz''': Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lionel Hutz''': Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of ''[looks at bottle]'' delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... ''[hugs bottle]'' so tempting... ''[puts the bottle to his ear]'' What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. ''[Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend]'' Hello, David? I'm really tempted! :'''[[David Crosby|Crosby]]''': Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you. :'''Hutz''': I love you too, man. ===''[[w:Krusty Gets Cancelled|Krusty Gets Kancelled]]''=== :'''[[w:Krusty the Clown|Krusty]]''': Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40! ''[holds up check to audience]'' :'''Man''': ''[quick voice-over]'' Checks will not be honored. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Bart Simpson|Bart]]''': Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special? :'''[[w:Flea (musician)|Flea]]''': Sure, if you can get us out of this gig. :'''Bart''': No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there! ''[Bart points to a blank wall]'' :'''Moe''': What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...? :'''Homer''': Hey, Moe, can I look too? :'''Moe''': Sure, but it'll cost you. :'''Homer''': My wallet's in the car! :'''Moe''': ''[chuckles]'' He is so stupid. And now back to the wall! {{DEFAULTSORT:Simpsons, Season 04}} [[Category:The Simpsons seasons]] [[it:I Simpson (quarta stagione)]] rm0pah547jc9crgs53bfiqfep5wijju 0 44499 3155719 2945255 2022-08-18T01:31:53Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Films set in schools]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ::''For the 2005 comedy film, see [[Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)]].'' '''''[[w:Kicking and Screaming (1995 film)|Kicking and Screaming]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 film]] about a group of college graduates who refuse to move on with their lives, each in his own peculiar way. :''Directed by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]]. Written by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] and [[w:Oliver Berkman|Oliver Berkman]].'' == Max == * What I used to able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life. * What about me? You've got enough friends, a new one is bad for you. You start spreading your affection around and it runs thin, believe me. * I found myself writing 'wake up' and 'go to bed' in my day planner as if they are two different events. == Grover == * You know, even though all 618 of us were wearing caps and gowns out there today, I couldn't help but think it was a coincidence that we were both wearing black. * I gotta go. I gotta sleep with a freshman. * I like that you drink. I like a bartender who drinks. Otherwise I feel like I'm being poisoned. == Skippy == * ''[to Miami]'' I begged you not to get off Prozac. == Chet == * If [[Plato]] is a fine red wine, then [[Aristotle]] is a dry martini. == Dialogue == :'''Max''': I don't need to go to a campus bar to be reminded of my lack of success with a bunch of thrill seeking snotty college kids. :'''Skippy''': That's us; we're like celebrities to them. :'''Max''': No, we ''were'' celebrities. Now going back would be like doing Hollywood Squares. I'm too nostalgic, I'll admit it. :'''Skippy''': We graduated four months ago. What can you possibly be nostalgic for? :'''Max''': I'm nostalgic for conversations I had yesterday. I've begun reminiscing events before they even occur. I'm reminiscing this right now. I can't go to the bar because I've already looked back on it in my memory... and I didn't have a good time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': I've always thought that my parents were part of a trickle down method of parenting, you know, like reflection on the [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] years. Looked good to a lot of people but basically I'm paying for all that neglect now. :'''Grover''': I guess my parents have sort of a [[Lyndon Johnson]] feel to them, like there's no satisfactory reason why they became parents, like my real parents were assassinated and these people were next in line for the job. They fight a lot, but they'd never split. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Overrated? You've never even been to Prague. :'''Grover''': Oh, I've been to Prague. ''[Jane stares at him]'' Well, I haven't "been to Prague" been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, "Stop shaving your armpits, read ''[[w:The Unbearable Lightness of Being|The Unbearable Lightness of Being]]'', date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is" thing... :'''Jane''': Beer. They have good beer there. :'''Grover''': "... how bad American beer is" thing. ''[pause]'' "How bad American beer is" thing. :'''Jane''': Yeah, I heard you the first time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otis''': ''[in book club]'' It was arousing... violently arousing. :'''Chet''': Otis, did you even read the book? :'''Otis''': Yes... no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': I'm going to be 17 tomorrow. :'''Max''': Wow, now you can read ''[[w:Seventeen Magazine|Seventeen Magazine]]'' and get all the references. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Are you wearing mascara? :'''Otis''': No... yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Is that a pajama top? :'''Otis''': No... Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grover''': OK, the way I see it, if we were an old couple, dated for years, graduated, away from all these scholastic complications, and I reached over and kissed you, you wouldn't say a word, you'd be delighted, probably, but if I was to do that now it'd be quite forward, and if I did it the first time we ever met you probably would hit me. :'''Jane''': What do you mean? :'''Grover''': I just wish we were an old couple so I could do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Sometimes you can be such a child. :'''Grover''': Yeah, but if I ''was'' a child you'd find that endearing. == Cast == * [[w:Josh Hamilton (actor)|Josh Hamilton]] - Grover * [[w:Olivia d'Abo|Olivia d'Abo]] - Jane * [[w:Carlos Jacott|Carlos Jacott]] - Otis * [[w:Chris Eigeman|Chris Eigeman]] - Max * [[w:Eric Stoltz|Eric Stoltz]] - Chet * [[w:Jason Wiles|Jason Wiles]] - Skippy * [[w:Parker Posey|Parker Posey]] - Miami * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Grover's Dad * [[w:Marissa Ribisi|Marissa Ribisi]] - Charlotte * [[w:Dean Cameron|Dean Cameron]] - Zach * Kaela Dobkin - Audra * [[w:Perrey Reeves|Perrey Reeves]] - Amy * [[w:Cara Buono|Cara Buono]] - Kate * [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] - Danny == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0113537|title=Kicking and Screaming}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1066170-kicking_and_screaming|title=Kicking and Screaming}} [[Category:1995 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Films directed by Noah Baumbach]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] j865ttip2cxszrvqiyfiedmlidrblpl 3155724 3155719 2022-08-18T01:38:25Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ::''For the 2005 comedy film, see [[Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)]].'' '''''[[w:Kicking and Screaming (1995 film)|Kicking and Screaming]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 film]] about a group of college graduates who refuse to move on with their lives, each in his own peculiar way. :''Directed by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]]. Written by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] and [[w:Oliver Berkman|Oliver Berkman]].'' == Max == * What I used to able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life. * ''[to Grover, at the airport, about Otis]'' This is useless. We just have to walk away like mothers in nursery school. * What about me? You've got enough friends, a new one is bad for you. You start spreading your affection around and it runs thin, believe me. * I found myself writing 'wake up' and 'go to bed' in my day planner as if they are two different events. == Grover == * You know, even though all 618 of us were wearing caps and gowns out there today, I couldn't help but think it was a coincidence that we were both wearing black. * ''[to Chet]'' I like that you drink. I like a bartender who drinks. Otherwise I feel like I'm being poisoned. * You know, despite my efforts, my intense efforts to do nothing... things happen anyway. == Skippy == * ''[to Miami]'' I begged you not to get off Prozac. == Chet == * If [[Plato]] is a fine red wine, then [[Aristotle]] is a dry martini. == Dialogue == :'''Max''': I don't need to go to a campus bar to be reminded of my lack of success with a bunch of thrill seeking snotty college kids. :'''Skippy''': That's us; we're like celebrities to them. :'''Max''': No, we ''were'' celebrities. Now going back would be like doing Hollywood Squares. I'm too nostalgic, I'll admit it. :'''Skippy''': We graduated four months ago. What can you possibly be nostalgic for? :'''Max''': I'm nostalgic for conversations I had yesterday. I've begun reminiscing events before they even occur. I'm reminiscing this right now. I can't go to the bar because I've already looked back on it in my memory... and I didn't have a good time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': I've always thought that my parents were part of a trickle down method of parenting, you know, like reflection on the [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] years. Looked good to a lot of people but basically I'm paying for all that neglect now. :'''Grover''': I guess my parents have sort of a [[Lyndon Johnson]] feel to them, like there's no satisfactory reason why they became parents, like my real parents were assassinated and these people were next in line for the job. They fight a lot, but they'd never split. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Overrated? You've never even been to Prague. :'''Grover''': Oh, I've been to Prague. ''[Jane stares at him]'' Well, I haven't "been to Prague" been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, "Stop shaving your armpits, read ''[[w:The Unbearable Lightness of Being|The Unbearable Lightness of Being]]'', date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is" thing... :'''Jane''': Beer. They have good beer there. :'''Grover''': "... how bad American beer is" thing. ''[pause]'' "How bad American beer is" thing. :'''Jane''': Yeah, I heard you the first time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otis''': ''[in book club]'' It was arousing... violently arousing. :'''Chet''': Otis, did you even read the book? :'''Otis''': Yes... no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grover''': Gotta go sleep with a freshman. :'''Max''': Yeah, me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': I'm going to be 17 tomorrow. :'''Max''': Wow, now you can read ''[[w:Seventeen Magazine|Seventeen Magazine]]'' and get all the references. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Are you wearing mascara? :'''Otis''': No... yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Is that a pajama top? :'''Otis''': No... Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grover''': OK, the way I see it, if we were an old couple, dated for years, graduated, away from all these scholastic complications, and I reached over and kissed you, you wouldn't say a word, you'd be delighted, probably, but if I was to do that now it'd be quite forward, and if I did it the first time we ever met you probably would hit me. :'''Jane''': What do you mean? :'''Grover''': I just wish we were an old couple so I could do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Sometimes you can be such a child. :'''Grover''': Yeah, but if I ''was'' a child you'd find that endearing. == Cast == * [[w:Josh Hamilton (actor)|Josh Hamilton]] - Grover * [[w:Olivia d'Abo|Olivia d'Abo]] - Jane * [[w:Carlos Jacott|Carlos Jacott]] - Otis * [[w:Chris Eigeman|Chris Eigeman]] - Max * [[w:Eric Stoltz|Eric Stoltz]] - Chet * [[w:Jason Wiles|Jason Wiles]] - Skippy * [[w:Parker Posey|Parker Posey]] - Miami * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Grover's Dad * [[w:Marissa Ribisi|Marissa Ribisi]] - Charlotte * [[w:Dean Cameron|Dean Cameron]] - Zach * Kaela Dobkin - Audra * [[w:Perrey Reeves|Perrey Reeves]] - Amy * [[w:Cara Buono|Cara Buono]] - Kate * [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] - Danny == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0113537|title=Kicking and Screaming}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1066170-kicking_and_screaming|title=Kicking and Screaming}} [[Category:1995 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Films directed by Noah Baumbach]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] frft8k7o593ele29bb7bxuyr31w800x 3155725 3155724 2022-08-18T01:39:32Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ::''For the 2005 comedy film, see [[Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)]].'' '''''[[w:Kicking and Screaming (1995 film)|Kicking and Screaming]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995 film]] about a group of college graduates who refuse to move on with their lives, each in his own peculiar way. :''Directed by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]]. Written by [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] and [[w:Oliver Berkman|Oliver Berkman]].'' <center>'''Anxiety loves company.'''</center> == Max == * What I used to able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life. * ''[to Grover, at the airport, about Otis]'' This is useless. We just have to walk away like mothers in nursery school. * What about me? You've got enough friends, a new one is bad for you. You start spreading your affection around and it runs thin, believe me. * I found myself writing 'wake up' and 'go to bed' in my day planner as if they are two different events. == Grover == * You know, even though all 618 of us were wearing caps and gowns out there today, I couldn't help but think it was a coincidence that we were both wearing black. * ''[to Chet]'' I like that you drink. I like a bartender who drinks. Otherwise I feel like I'm being poisoned. * You know, despite my efforts, my intense efforts to do nothing... things happen anyway. == Skippy == * ''[to Miami]'' I begged you not to get off Prozac. == Chet == * If [[Plato]] is a fine red wine, then [[Aristotle]] is a dry martini. == Dialogue == :'''Max''': I don't need to go to a campus bar to be reminded of my lack of success with a bunch of thrill seeking snotty college kids. :'''Skippy''': That's us; we're like celebrities to them. :'''Max''': No, we ''were'' celebrities. Now going back would be like doing Hollywood Squares. I'm too nostalgic, I'll admit it. :'''Skippy''': We graduated four months ago. What can you possibly be nostalgic for? :'''Max''': I'm nostalgic for conversations I had yesterday. I've begun reminiscing events before they even occur. I'm reminiscing this right now. I can't go to the bar because I've already looked back on it in my memory... and I didn't have a good time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': I've always thought that my parents were part of a trickle down method of parenting, you know, like reflection on the [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] years. Looked good to a lot of people but basically I'm paying for all that neglect now. :'''Grover''': I guess my parents have sort of a [[Lyndon Johnson]] feel to them, like there's no satisfactory reason why they became parents, like my real parents were assassinated and these people were next in line for the job. They fight a lot, but they'd never split. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Overrated? You've never even been to Prague. :'''Grover''': Oh, I've been to Prague. ''[Jane stares at him]'' Well, I haven't "been to Prague" been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, "Stop shaving your armpits, read ''[[w:The Unbearable Lightness of Being|The Unbearable Lightness of Being]]'', date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is" thing... :'''Jane''': Beer. They have good beer there. :'''Grover''': "... how bad American beer is" thing. ''[pause]'' "How bad American beer is" thing. :'''Jane''': Yeah, I heard you the first time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Otis''': ''[in book club]'' It was arousing... violently arousing. :'''Chet''': Otis, did you even read the book? :'''Otis''': Yes... no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grover''': Gotta go sleep with a freshman. :'''Max''': Yeah, me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kate''': I'm going to be 17 tomorrow. :'''Max''': Wow, now you can read ''[[w:Seventeen Magazine|Seventeen Magazine]]'' and get all the references. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Are you wearing mascara? :'''Otis''': No... yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Is that a pajama top? :'''Otis''': No... Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grover''': OK, the way I see it, if we were an old couple, dated for years, graduated, away from all these scholastic complications, and I reached over and kissed you, you wouldn't say a word, you'd be delighted, probably, but if I was to do that now it'd be quite forward, and if I did it the first time we ever met you probably would hit me. :'''Jane''': What do you mean? :'''Grover''': I just wish we were an old couple so I could do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Sometimes you can be such a child. :'''Grover''': Yeah, but if I ''was'' a child you'd find that endearing. == Cast == * [[w:Josh Hamilton (actor)|Josh Hamilton]] - Grover * [[w:Olivia d'Abo|Olivia d'Abo]] - Jane * [[w:Carlos Jacott|Carlos Jacott]] - Otis * [[w:Chris Eigeman|Chris Eigeman]] - Max * [[w:Eric Stoltz|Eric Stoltz]] - Chet * [[w:Jason Wiles|Jason Wiles]] - Skippy * [[w:Parker Posey|Parker Posey]] - Miami * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Grover's Dad * [[w:Marissa Ribisi|Marissa Ribisi]] - Charlotte * [[w:Dean Cameron|Dean Cameron]] - Zach * Kaela Dobkin - Audra * [[w:Perrey Reeves|Perrey Reeves]] - Amy * [[w:Cara Buono|Cara Buono]] - Kate * [[w:Noah Baumbach|Noah Baumbach]] - Danny == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0113537|title=Kicking and Screaming}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1066170-kicking_and_screaming|title=Kicking and Screaming}} [[Category:1995 films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Films directed by Noah Baumbach]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] 6dc65fa5q3g2o9s403ybj22jb2169o0 0 47344 3155706 3151192 2022-08-18T00:46:52Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 a -> an wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Star Wars|Star Wars}} The numerous deaths across all different media in the '''''[[Star Wars]]''''' universe have yielded many memorable '''last words'''. ==Films== ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace|The Phantom Menace]]''=== * '''Captain, look!''' ** Who: Lieutenant Antidar Williams ** Note: Spoken to Captain Madakor a moment before the ''Radiant VII'' is destroyed by a Trade Federation laser cannon. * '''Shields up!''' ** Who: Captain Maoi Madakor ** Note: Said to Lieutenant Williams after he says his last words. * '''[[w:D'oh!|D'oh!]]''' ** Who: Trade Federation droid Army B1 battle droid ** Notes: Force pushed by Qui-Gon Jinn. Destroyed later. A reference to ''[[The Simpsons]]''. ====Battle of Naboo==== *'''We're losing power. There seems to be a problem with the main reactor.''' ** Who: Tey How ** Notes: Said aboard the ''Lucrehulk''-class Battleship ''Vuutan Palaa'', moments before it's brought down by Anakin Skywalker. * '''Impossible! Nothing can get through our shields.''' ** Who: Daultay Dofine ** Notes: Said aboard the ''Lucrehulk''-class Battleship ''Vuutan Palaa'', moments before it's brought down by Anakin Skywalker. * '''Uh. It-- It's too late. It--''' ['''Obi-Wan:''' No.] '''Obi-Wan...promise-- Promise me you will train the boy.''' ['''Obi-Wan:''' Yes, Master.] '''He... is the chosen one. He... will bring balance... train him.''' ** Who: Qui-Gon Jinn ** Note: Character is dying of a wound inflicted by Darth Maul. The line is spoken to Obi-Wan Kenobi in reference to [[Anakin Skywalker]]. ** Note: In ''Attack of the Clones'', Qui-Gon Jinn's voice can be heard in the scene of the transition between Anakin killing the Tusken Raiders (forshadowing him turning to the dark side of the Force). He shouts "Anakin! Anakin! No!". ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones|Attack of the Clones]]''=== * '''I'm sorry, m'lady... I'm... not sure I... I've failed you, Senator...''' ** Who: Cordé (handmaiden to Padmé Amidala) ** Source: Killed in an assassination attempt on Padmé. She acted as a body double for Padmé when the ship she was on was blown up by Zam Wesell. Padmé was piloting one of the N-1 starfighters escorting the ship. * '''Wee shahnit... sleemo.''' ** Who: Zam Wesell ** Note: After her arm was severed by Obi-Wan Kenobi when she tried to kill him, she almost revealed who sent her to kill Padmé to Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan before she was shot by a toxin dart from [[w:Jango Fett|Jango Fett]]. Returning to her natural Clawdite form before dying, she cursed Jango in Huttese: "Bounty hunter ... slimeball." ** Note: According to the events of ''Star Wars: Bounty Hunter'', Zam and Jango were ''friends'', albeit in a working relationship. Wookiepedia suggests he was aiming for Anakin but missed and hit Zam instead, which would explain why she cursed him, thinking she was betrayed. Of course, if that's true, Jango wouldn't have been happy about it. *** Note: Jango and Zam have, even, stolen the starship used by Jango and his "son" Boba, called ''Slave I'', which at the time was only a rare prototype. * '''I love--''' ** Who: Shmi Skywalker ** Note: Said to Anakin, before dying of wounds sustained in the captivity of Tusken Raiders. As an act of revenge, Anakin then slaughters the entire village of Tusken Raiders in a rage. * '''Don't move, Jedi.''' ''[to the Droidekas]'' '''Take him away.''' ** Who: Jango Fett ** Note: Said when capturing Anakin Skywalker in the droid factory on Geonosis. These were his last onscreen words before meeting his end at the hands of Mace Windu during the fight at the Geonosian arena. ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Revenge of the Sith]]''=== *'''I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.''' **Who: [[w:Count Dooku|Count Dooku/Darth Tyrannus]] **Notes: Said while dueling Anakin Skywalker. Eventually, Anakin slices off both of his hands and decapitates him. *'''Army or not, you must realize... you are doomed!''' **Who: [[w:General Grievous|General Grievous]] **Note: Spoken to Obi-Wan Kenobi during their duel on Utapau. A long chase ensues; at the end Grievous is killed by 5 blaster bolts from Kenobi to his unprotected heart, which ignites all of his organic internal organs (Kenobi had previously damaged his chest plate revealing his heart). His actual last words are an untranslated Kaleesh. *'''He has control of the Senate and the Courts! He's too dangerous to be left alive!''' **Who: [[w:Mace Windu|Mace Windu]] **Notes: Spoken about Darth Sidious (Supreme Chancellor Palpatine), whom he is about to finish off, believing that he will not be dealt with properly in the Republic's justice system, to Anakin Skywalker. Before he can do so, Anakin, turning to the dark side and as an accomplice to his death, slices off his hand, and Sidious attacks Windu with Force lightning, throwing him out a window to his death. *'''Come on!''' **Who: Ki-Adi-Mundi **Notes: One of the many Jedi killed by their own clone troopers following [[w:Great Jedi Purge|Order 66]]. He called to troopers while fighting Separatist droids on the cold world of Mygeeto, just before they stopped and opened fire on him. *'''Bly, do you think they're droids?''' **Who: Aayla Secura **Notes: A Twi'lek Jedi Knight leading the 327th Star Corps, Aayla Secura is leading her contingent on Felucia when her clones receive [[w:Great Jedi Purge|Order 66]]. She asks this line to Commander Bly, who simply replies "No," and guns her down. *'''It will be done, my lord.''' **Who: Clone Commander Gree **Source: Gree had just received Order 66, requiring him to kill Jedi Master Yoda. As he attempted to do so, Yoda beheads him and a fellow clone trooper assisting him. *'''Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?''' **Who: Sors Bandeam **Note: A Jedi Youngling, Bandeam asks Anakin the question during the raid on the Jedi Temple; he proceeds to kill them all offscreen after activating his lightsaber. *'''There's been a rebellion, sir. Don't worry, the situation is under control. I'm sorry, sir, it's time for you to leave.''' **Who: Clone Commander Appo (501st Commander) **Note: Says this when trying to make Senator Bail Organa leave when he tries to investigate the Jedi Temple during Order 66. Killed by Padawan Zett Jukassa, who tries to escape on Bail's speeder, but is shot down by one of Appo's men. *'''You're... Anakin Skywalker!''' **Who: San Hill **Note: San Hill, who is hiding on Mustafar with the rest of the Separatist leaders, greets Darth Sidious' new apprentice, Darth Vader, upon his arrival before realizing that he is actually Anakin Skywalker. Vader then proceeds to kill the rest of the Separatist leaders. Hill died offscreen in the movie, but his death is depicted in its novelization. *'''We were promised a reward, a h-h-handsome reward.''' **Who: Shu Mai **Note: Said to Darth Vader, who decapitates her. Mai's death was only shown in the novelization. *'''Stop! No!!!''' **Who: Rune Haako **Note: Killed by Darth Vader on Mustafar. *'''Please, I'll give you anything. Anything you want!''' **Who: Wat Tambor **Note: Wat begs for mercy to Darth Vader, who stabs him through with his lightsaber without a second thought. Tambor's death scene was cut from the movie. *'''The war is over! Lord Sidious... Promised us peace! We only want---''' **Who: Nute Gunray **Note: Gunray is interrupted by Darth Vader, who cuts him down. He had allied with Darth Vader's master, Darth Sidious. *'''Obi-Wan... there's good in him. I know. I know there's... still---''' **Who: [[w: Padme Amidala|Padme Amidala]] **Notes: Character says this before she dies after giving birth to Luke and Leia, due to her giving into despair. She is speaking of her husband [[w: Anakin Skywalker|Anakin Skywalker]], even though he has essentially murdered her. This quote is also a reference to ''Return of the Jedi''. ===''[[w:Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]''=== *'''It's no good to die alone, kid. Val was right.''' [Han Solo: Rio?] **Who: Rio Durrant **Notes: Said to Han Solo minutes after getting a fatal shot on the shoulder by Cloud Riders. He dies from his wounds shortly after. *'''It's been a ride, babe. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.''' **Who: Val **Notes: Said to Tobias Beckett before sacrificing her life by destroying the bridge and the 11-3K viper probe droids. *'''Lando! What's happening... to me...''' **Who: L3-37 **Notes: Said to Lando before officially being destroyed. *'''It's empty. The case is empty.''' **Who: Aemon Gremm **Notes: Reporting to his boss Dryden Vos that the container of coaxium supposedly stolen for him was empty. Aemon and his fellow guards are then ambushed by the Cloud-Riders led by Enfys Nest, who breaks his neck. *'''Han, she's done things that you could never understand, but I do. I understand her completely. Once you're a part of Crimson Dawn, you can't leave.''' **Who: Dryden Vos **Notes: Said after Qi'ra attacks Han Solo. Qi'ra then turns against Dryden and stabs him in the stomach. *'''You made the smart move kid, for once. I woulda killed you. I really was gonna learn to play that valachord.''' **Who: Tobias Beckett **Notes: While explaining to Han Solo why he betrayed him, Beckett is shot in the heart by Solo. In his last moments, Beckett praises Han's actions and reveals that he actually planned to return to Glee Anselm and learn to play the valachord before dying in Han's arms. ===''[[w:Rogue One|Rogue One]]''=== *'''You'll never win.''' **Who: Lyra Erso **Notes: Shot by a death trooper. Lyra was going to shoot Orson Krennic, but his death troopers shot her before she could shoot. However, she wounded Krennic before she died. *'''Are you crazy? I'll never climb out of here. My arm...''' **Who: Tivik **Notes: Shot by Cassian Andor. Prior to this, Tivik was unable to climb the wall behind him. *'''Save the Rebellion! Save the dream!''' **Who: Saw Gerrera **Notes: Krennic has the Death Star fire upon the Holy City of Jedha, to crush the insurgent cells on the planet and to placate his superior officers. This forces Jyn Erso and her group to evacuate, but not without trying to convince character to come with them - he opts to remain behind, and he says the above to Jyn and Cassian as they depart. Gerrera is later crushed to death as his temple is engulfed by a flow of debris created by the force of the blast. The quote above were his last words heard in the movie, but in the comic, his last thoughts were for his sister Steela, and her name was his last word. *'''Jyn. Look at you. I have so much to tell you.''' **Who: Galen Erso **Notes: After sustaining fatal injuries due to a Rebel bombing run on the planet Eadu, Galen dies in his daughter Jyn's arms. *'''That would be helpful.''' **Who: Colin Hakelia **Notes: Answering Bodhi Rook, piloting an Imperial shuttle, on whether he would like to see a cargo manifest. Bodhi points him toward the cargo hold, where character is killed by Rebels *'''Yeah, the T-15s have been marked obsolete.''' *'''Oh boy, it's about time for that.''' **Who: Two stormtroopers **Notes: Killed by Chirrut Imwe to provide a distraction. *'''What the...?''' **Who: A stormtrooper **Notes: Tazed by Baze Malbus to provide a distraction. *'''Can I help you?''' **Who: Milton Putna (Vault guard) **Notes: Character was hit on the head by K-2SO. Regardless of whether that particular blow was fatal or not, character is killed, as Scarif is destroyed by the Death Star. ====Battle of Scarif==== *'''Come on, come on, come on!''' **Who: Vangos Grek (Rebel pilot) **Notes: Spoken while trying to pass through the Shield Gate; the gate closes on him, and he is killed when his X-wing collides with it. *'''Fire on my command!''' **Who: Unknown AT-ACT pilot **Notes: Character's walker was fired upon by X-wings *'''U-wings, reinforce those troops on the beach. All fighters, on me. We have to shield them from air attack.''' **Who: General Antoc Merrick (Blue Leader) **Notes: Giving orders to the U-wing and the rest of Blue Squadron to help the ground team. He is later shot down by TIE strikers, killing him. *'''This is Red Five, I need help!''' **Who: Pedrin Gaul (X-wing pilot) **Notes: Shot down by TIE fighters, dies in the crash; The call sign Red Five would later be used by Luke Skywalker, as seen in the original ''Star Wars'' film (''A New Hope''). *'''Goodbye.''' **Who: K-2SO **Notes: K-2SO is manning the controls to the vault containing archived data on Imperial military projects. While Jyn and Cassian are inside, he is fending off increasing numbers of stormtroopers. After telling his companions how to transmit the plans, K-2SO says the above as he destroys the control console, causing him to be destroyed with the explosion. *'''We're going down!''' **Who: Larem Joma (U-wing pilot) **Notes: Shot down by TIE strikers. *'''I'm going!''' **Who: Taidu Sefla (Rebel soldier) **Notes: Sefla tries to activate the master switch allowing Rebel communication, but is killed by death troopers. *'''The master switch, it's over at that console!''' **Who: Ruescott Melshi **Notes: Killed by death troopers. His death was shown offscreen, so this line was the last line the character said. *'''Look for the Force, and you'll always find me.''' **Who: Chirrut Îmwe **Notes: After seeing Melshi die, Chirrut activates the master switch, avoiding fire, but a death trooper shoots a fuel container, the resulting explosion sending him flying. Îmwe later dies in Baze Malbus' arms. *'''This is for you, Galen.''' **Who: Bodhi Rook **Notes: After the master switch's activation, Bohdi succeeds in providing a data uplink to the Rebel fleet in combat beyond Scarif's orbit, and says the above as he does so. He is later noticed by an Imperial Shoretrooper as the landing pad his shuttle is on is overrun, who throws a grenade into its cargo hold - Rook and the shuttle are both immolated in the resulting detonation. *'''The Force is with me, and I am one with the Force...''' **Who: Baze Malbus **Notes: Malbus, who has just seen Chirrut Îmwe die in his arms and has seen his shuttle explode, knowing that there is no way out, chooses to enact a last stand against overwhelming Imperial opposition. He chants the above as he does so, honoring his fallen partner, and kills several death troopers before collapsing from his injuries. The last death trooper he kills falls while holding a live grenade, and after one last look at Îmwe's body, Baze is killed in the ensuing explosion. *'''Sublight engines, full throttle!''' **Who: Kado Oquoné, captain of ''Lightmaker'' **Notes: Oquoné rams his ship into the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer ''Persecutor'', sending it crashing into another one; all three ships, along with the Scarif shield gate, are destroyed in the collision. *'''Reverse engines, full power!''' **Who: Admiral Gorin **Notes: Was on the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer ''Intimidator'' that was destroyed in aforementioned collision. *'''Rogue One, may the Force be with you. All ships, prepare for jump to hyperspace!''' **Who: Admiral Raddus **Notes: Was on his flagship, the MC75 Star Cruiser ''Profundity,'' when it was destroyed by the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer ''Devastator''. *'''The shield is up. Your signal will never reach the Rebel base, ALL your ships in here will be destroyed; I lose nothing but time. You, on the other hand, die with the Rebellion!''' **Who: Director Orson Krennic **Notes: Krennic confronts Jyn Erso and mocks her attempts of transmitting the Death Star's plans to the Rebel base. He says the above before being shot by Cassian Andor. He survives the gunshot, but the Death Star fires its main shot to Scarif, destroying the base and killing him in the process. *'''I do. Someone's out there.''' **Who: Jyn Erso **Notes: After Jyn transmits the plans, Cassian asks her if she thinks anyone is listening to them. She replies with the above. They would eventually embrace as the explosion engulfs them. In the novelization, Jyn's last words were to Andor before he says his last words: "I'm glad you came." *'''Your father would've been proud of you, Jyn.''' **Who: Cassian Andor **Notes: Andor had previously been shot by Orson Krennic while in the data vault. He recovers and reaches Jyn just in time to prevent Krennic from killing her - after incapacitating him, the two of them leave the tower. Despite the planetary shield being disabled, the Death Star has already fired on the planet, killing Krennic and sending a massive shock wave racing towards the base. With no ship available and only moments to spare, they both watch the approaching blast. Cassian says the above to Jyn, and they embrace as the explosion consumes them. *'''Here, here! Take it!! Take it!''' ** Who: Unknown Rebel soldier **Notes: Spoken while handing a companion the Death Star plans through a jammed doorway; he is killed by Darth Vader moments later. ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|A New Hope]]''=== *'''We intercepted no transmissions. This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission.''' **Who: Captain Raymus Antilles **Note: Darth Vader and his Imperial Stormtroopers had been trying to find the plans to the Death Star. He tries to extract information from Captain Antilles, who was being lifted off of his feet by the neck. After failing to give the whereabouts of the plans, Antilles's neck is crushed by Vader, killing him. *'''There's one. Set for stun.''' **Who: TK-9091 **Note: While searching for passengers aboard the Rebel ship, a group of stormtroopers come across Princess Leia. He says this before being shot by Leia. *'''Well, he better have those droids in the south range by midday or there'll be hell to pay.''' **Who: Owen Lars **Note: This is his last spoken line in the film. He is killed off-screen, and his death is evident by his and his wife Beru's burnt corpses when Luke Skywalker, their step-nephew, rushes home in concern about the Stormtroopers searching for C-3PO and R2-D2. *'''That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.''' **Who: Greedo **Note: Says to Han Solo in alien language that Jabba the Hutt may take Han's ship as punishment for not paying his debt to Jabba. Han replies, "Over my dead body." Greedo says this line, with Han replying "Yes, I'll bet you have." and then [[w:Han shot first|kills Greedo]]. *'''I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.''' **Who: Shann Childsen **Note: While Han Solo and Luke Skywalker go to the detention area to free Princess Leia, they get in disguise and put Chewbacca in handcuffs. The officer, confused by their arrival, asks where they are going with Chewbacca. They give him a cell number, and the officer says this, before Luke and Han set Chewbacca free of the handcuffs and begin killing everyone in the room. *'''You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.''' **Who: [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi]] **Note: Spoken to Darth Vader moments before he cuts Obi-Wan down with his lightsaber. Obi-Wan later returns as a Force spirit, having made good his declaration to Vader. ====Battle of Yavin==== *'''No, I'm all right -''' ''[yells]'' **Who: Jek Porkins (Red Six) **Note: After shooting a tower on the Death Star surface, his X-wing started to malfunction, allowing him to be shot down by fire from the Death Star's turbolasers. *'''I'm hit!''' **Who: John D. Branon (Red Four) **Notes: The first of the X-wing pilots of Red Squadron to be shot down by a TIE fighter, likely piloted by Iden Versio. *'''The guns... they've stopped.''' **Who: Tiree (Gold Two) **Note: Shot down by Darth Vader. *'''Loosen up!''' **Who: Jon "Dutch" Vander (Gold Leader) **Note: Shot down by Darth Vader. *'''They came from behind!''' **Who: Davish "Pops" Krail (Gold Five) **Note: Shot down by Darth Vader. *'''I can't hold them!''' **Who: Theron Nett (Red Ten) **Note: Shot down by Vader's wingman. *'''Stay there, I just lost my starboard engine. Get set up for your attack run.''' **Who: Garven Dreis (Red Leader) **Note: Says this before being shot down by Darth Vader. The last sound Garven makes is him yelling. *'''Hurry up, Luke! Quick! Quick!''' **Who: Biggs Darklighter (Red Three) **Note: Shot down by Darth Vader. *'''You may fire when ready.''' **Who: [[w:Grand Moff Tarkin|Grand Moff Tarkin]] **Note: Following this command, the Death Star - which Tarkin is on board - is destroyed. *'''Look out!''' **Who: Mithel **Note: One of Darth Vader's wingmen. Accidentally collided with Vader's TIE Advanced upon being shot at by the ''Millennium Falcon'', and crashed into the side of the exhaust port trench of the Death Star. *'''Stand by. Stand by...''' **Who: Tenn Graneet (Death Star officer) **Note: Feeling remorse for the earlier destruction of Alderaan, this officer says this while unwittingly aiding Luke Skywalker in the Death Star's destruction. After that, he along with the Death Star crew is killed. ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back|The Empire Strikes Back]]''=== *'''Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to...''' ** Who: Kendal Ozzel ** Notes: Reporting to Darth Vader, who Force-chokes him to death for coming out of hyperspace too close to Hoth, thereby giving the Rebels advance notice of their presence. *'''Luke, we've got a malfunction in fire control. I'll have to cut in the auxiliary.''' **Who: Dak Ralter **Notes: Said to Luke Skywalker during the Battle of Hoth, before he is killed by a laser shot. *'''Get a shuttle ready. I shall accept full responsibility for losing them and apologize to Lord Vader. Meanwhile, continue to scan the area.''' **Who: Captain Lorth Needa **Notes: While pursuing the ''Milennium Falcon'', it escapes from the ''Imperial'' ''II''-class Star Destroyer ''Avenger''<nowiki/>'s view by hiding behind its ship head. To cover for losing track of the ''Falcon'', Captain Needa volunteers to accept the blame for losing sight of the ship. When we next see him, Darth Vader has Force-choked Needa to death and then responds sarcastically "Apology accepted, Captain Needa." ===''[[w:Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi]]''=== *'''The treasure!! I mean-!" **Who: [[w:Oola|Oola]] ** Notes: Oola is trying to resist Jabba pulling her in and demands a "treasure." Jabba gets fed up and drops her screaming into the rancor pit after these last words. She is heard screaming before the rancor eats her. In the Special Editions, you can see Oola in the rancor pit right before she is eaten. *''[In Huttese]'' '''Put him in.''' **Who: [[w:Jabba the Hutt|Jabba Desilijic Tiure]] (Jabba the Hutt) ** Notes: Given as an order to have Luke fed to the sarlacc. In the ensuing chaos, he is strangled to death by Leia. His actual last words are untranslated Huttese. *'''Remember...a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware: anger...fear...aggression...the dark side are they... Once you start down the dark path...forever...will it dominate your destiny. Luke... Luke, do not... do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor, or suffer your father's fate, you will. Luke, when gone am I, the last of the Jedi, will you be. Luke, the Force runs strong in your family. Pass on what you have learned. Luke... there is... another... Sk... Sky... walker...''' **Who: [[w:Yoda|Yoda]] ** Notes: Yoda is dying of natural causes, while he says this to Luke, and vanishes after he dies, becoming one with the Force. He is seen at the end of the movie as a [[w:Force ghost|Force ghost]]. ====Battle of Endor==== *'''She's gonna blow!''' **Who: Grizz Frix (X-wing pilot) **Note: Flew too close to the ''Imperial'' ''II''-class Star Destroyer's exploding shield generator *'''I'm hit!''' **Who: Ekelarc Yong (Y-wing pilot) **Notes: Shot down by TIE fighters *'''Intensify forward fire power!''' **Who: Admiral Firmus Piett ** Notes: Said as he sees the aforementioned A-wing hurtling towards the command bridge of Vader's ''Executor''-class Star Dreadnought ''Executor'', before the A-wing slams into the bridge and brings the ship down. *'''YAH!''' **Who: Arvel Crynyd (Green Leader) **Notes: Character's A-wing was shot down, and crashed into the bridge of the ''Executor'', fatally crippling it *'''Too late!''' **Who: Gherant (''Executor'') **Note: Said to Admiral Piett before the ''Executor''<nowiki>'</nowiki>s bridge is destroyed by an A-wing piloted by Arvel Crynyd. *'''Now, young Skywalker... you will die.''' **Who: Sheev Palpatine/Darth Sidious **Note: Said before Vader picks up the Emperor by his back and throws him down the reactor shaft of the second Death Star, no longer baring to see his master electrocute Luke. *'''You already have, Luke. You were right. You were right about me. Tell your sister... you were right.''' **Who: [[w:Darth Vader|Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader]] **Notes: Having returned from the dark side, Anakin saves his son Luke from the Emperor - but is mortally wounded (due to his life support system being fried by Force lightning) in the process. He soon dies, but only after finally agreeing that Luke's faith in the good in him was well-placed. He is last seen at the end of the movie as a Force spirit ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Force Awakens|The Force Awakens]]''=== *'''You may try, but you cannot deny the truth that is your family.''' **Who: Lor San Tekka **Note: San Tekka was the leader of the Church of the Force settlement on Jakku who gave Poe Dameron the map coordinates to Luke Skywalker before the First Order attacked. Upon his capture, Kylo Ren demands the map, but San Tekka refuses and, knowing about Ren's origins (and also his parentage), says the above line. Ren dismissively replies "You're so right" and then strikes San Tekka down with his lightsaber. *'''We have an unsanctioned departure from Bay 2.''' **Who: First Order Petty Officer Thanisson **Note: First Order officer reporting the theft of a TIE/sf fighter by Poe and Finn (aka FN-2187) in their attempt to escape the ''Resurgent''-class Star Destroyer ''Finalizer''. Possibly killed when the TIE/sf fighter fires into the hanger command center. *'''Alert General Hux, and stop that fighter.''' **Who: First Order Col. Kaplan **Note: First Order officer in the ''Resurgent''-class Star Destroyer ''Finalizer''<nowiki/>'s hanger command center. Possibly killed when the stolen TIE/sf fighter fires into the hanger command center. *'''''TRAITOR!''''' **Who: FN-2199 (Nines) **Note: Finn, fighting First Order Stormtroopers on Takodana using Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, eventually faces off against one equipped with a baton designed to combat lightsabers; the previously mentioned trooper, who knew Finn before he defected from the First Order to the Resistance, says the above line and they fight until Han Solo knocks the trooper away with blaster fire, killing him. ====Battle of Starkiller Base==== *'''Hey!''' **Who: FN-9330 **Note: Shot down by Chewbacca before infiltrating Starkiller Base with Han Solo and Finn. In the script, this stormtrooper was waiting to board a transport until he was killed. *'''Yes, anything.''' **Who: [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]] **Note: Before leaving for Starkiller Base, Leia asked Han to try and bring back their son, who turned to the dark side and became Kylo Ren. Han confronts Ren on a catwalk over a huge reactor shaft in the base and tries to convince him to renounce the dark path and come home. He says the line above when Ren seemingly agrees when asks, "Will you help me?", and hands Han his lightsaber, only to suddenly ignite it through his chest, fatally wounding him. Han then fell off the catwalk into the abyss to his doom; his dead body was later destroyed with the base as the planet it was on collapsed into a new star. *'''I'm hit!''' **Who: Ello Asty **Note: Shot down by a turret emplacement in the trenches of Starkiller Base. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|The Last Jedi]]''=== *'''Torpedoes inbound! It's been an honor serving with you all.''' **Who: Admiral Ackbar ** Note: Ackbar commands the main bridge of the ''Raddus'' when attacked the First Order, while 2 TIE/sf fighters shoots the main bridge of the MC85 Star Cruiser ''Raddus'', killing the Resistance High Command, leaving General Leia as the only survivor. *'''You think you can turn him? Pathetic child... I cannot be betrayed... I cannot be beaten. I see his mind… I see his every intent. Yes... I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true! And now... foolish child... he ignites it... and KILLS HIS TRUE ENEMY!!!''' **Who: Supreme Leader Snoke **Note: Snoke is giving a speech to Rey about Kylo's order to kill her. Suddenly, Kylo uses the Force to ignite Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, bisecting him. *'''The rest of our crew has been evacuated and heading your way. It's been an honor, Admiral. Godspeed, rebels-!''' **Who: Unidentified ''Anodyne'' Pilot ** Note: This pilot elected to remain behind on the ''Anodyne'' whilst the rest of the crew evacuated. He informed Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo of this development and wished them good luck just as the ship was completely destroyed, killing him. *'''No, you're too far out. Full speed to planet fall. Full speed!''' **Who: Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo **Note: Said to a Resistance pilot as the First Order destroys the fleeing fleet, moments before sacrificing herself by flying the ''Raddus'' into the ''Mega''-class Star Dreadnought ''Supremacy'' at light speed, crippling the Mega-Destroyer and destroying several ''Resurgent''-class Star Destroyers. *'''You were always scum.''' **Who: Captain Phasma ** Note: After Finn beats her down, Phasma says this, before Finn replies, "''Rebel'' scum". Phasma then falls to her doom as the floor of the hanger collapses underneath. ====Battle of Crait==== *'''See you around, kid.''' **Who: Luke Skywalker **Note: Was using the Force to project himself on Crait to buy time for the remaining members of the Resistance to escape by distracting Kylo Ren. Back on Ahch-To, having used up all his strength, Luke fades away and becomes one with the Force. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|The Rise of Skywalker]]''=== *'''Win the war.''' **Who: Boolio **Note: He gives intel that there is a spy in the First Order. Later beheaded by Kylo Ren. *'''It was a coordinated incursion, Allegiant General. They overpowered the guards and forced me to take them to their ship.''' **Who: General Armitage Hux **Note: Hux helps the Resistance as a spy out of his hate for Kylo, due to him taking over the First Order. He helps Finn, Poe and Chewbacca escape from the ship but stayed behind to continue his role. Later, he attempts to deceive Allegiant General Pryde with a cover story, but is shot in the chest by Pryde as execution for treason. *'''Ben...''' **Who: Leia Organa **Note: She uses up the last of her strength to communicate with her son, Ben Solo, who is then stabbed by Rey. This effectively helps to redeem Kylo Ren, and allows Ben Solo to return to the light. However, this drains Leia of all her energy, causing her death. ====Battle of Exegol==== *'''Yeah, I see it!''' ['''Poe Dameron''': No, no, no! SNAP!!!] AAAAHH!!!! ['''Poe Dameron''': NOOOOO!!!] **Who: Temmin "Snap" Wexley **Note: Shot down by Sith TIE fighters. *'''Where did they get all these fighter craft? They have no navy.''' ['''Frantis Griss''': It's not a navy, sir, it's just... people.] **Who: Allegiant General Enric Pryde **Note: Said as he noticed a massive fleet made up of people that Lando and Chewbacca rallied from across the galaxy. Was aboard the ''Resurgent''-class Star Destroyer ''Steadfast'' as it was being destroyed. *'''You are nothing! A scavenger girl is no match for the power in me! I AM ALL THE SITH!!!''' ['''Rey''': And I... I'm all the Jedi.] **Who: Sheev Palpatine/Darth Sidious **Note: He is a vessel for all the Sith who have ever lived. He uses Force lightning to attack Rey. She uses two lightsabers to deflect the lightning back at him, disintegrating him along with the Sith Eternal cultists. *'''Dad...''' **Who: Ben Solo/Kylo Ren **Note: Returning to light side, he sacrifices his life force to bring Rey back to life. This was in fact his last on-screen words as he stays silent for the remainder of the film to help Rey defeat Darth Sidious, though he does say "ow" when jumping to a crevice. ==Cartoons== ===''[[w:Star Wars: Clone Wars (TV series)|Star Wars: Clone Wars]]''=== *'''Wait, what's that?''' **Who: Blue Leader **Source: Chapter 10 **Note: Red Leader did not notice Asajj Ventress' aerial attack. *'''We are losing control. What?''' **Who: Droid **Source: Chapter 13 **Note: A Battle Droid reports to his allies before getting dismantled by Mace Windu. *'''Need an immediate evac from planet Hypori! Our forces are totally destroyed! Only, only a few of us left! New droid general! He's unstoppable! Can't hold out for long- General Grievous is hunting us- Must hurry!''' **Who: Daakman Barrek **Source: Chapter 20 **Note: Master Barrek's transmission to Obi-Wan Kenobi from Hypori before being he is slain by General Grievous. *'''Unstoppable... he is unstoppable!''' **Who: K'Kruhk **Source: Chapter 20 **Note: One of the Jedi accompanying Ki-Adi-Mundi in the Battle of Hypori, he made this comment on General Grievous' battle strategy. He was later cut down by the General himself and let for dead. In the Legends Canon, he survives, having gone into hibernation to regenerate. He comes out of hibernation long after the Empire's defeat and becomes a member of Luke's Jedi Order. *'''It's close, but where?''' **Who: Tarr Sierr **Source: Chapter 20 **Note: A Cerean Padawan accompanying Ki-Adi-Mundi during the Battle of Hypori. In the duel against General Grievous, he was killed when the Kaleesh cyborg used his foot to slam him face-first into the ground and break his neck. *'''It's all around us!''' **Who: Sha'a Gi **Source: Chapter 20 **Note: One of the Padawans alongside Ki-Adi-Mundi in the Battle of Hypori. Fearful of General Grievous, Sha'a Gi blindly rushed into danger and was jumped by the general, who crushed the fledgling Jedi under his heel. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Clone Wars (film)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars (film)]]''=== *'''What happened to the shield?''' **Who: Droid **Note: After Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano destroy a shield generator, the droids ponder what happened to it, but not too late after they get destroyed. *'''Incoming!!!''' **Who: Clone trooper *'''Don't you dare! [gets sliced, voice distorting to slow motion] Don't... you... dare...''' **Who: 4-A7 **Note: Beheaded by Ahsoka. *'''General Skywalker! Abort! Abort!''' **Who: A Clone Naval Officer inside a ''Venator''-class Star Destroyer **Note: A vulture droid suicide attacks the ''Venator''-class Star Destroyer, forcing the Naval officer to call Anakin and Ahsoka to abort the landing before he is killed in flames. *'''No, no! NO!!!''' **Who: Kronos 327 **Note: After failing Ziro on an offscreen mission, he is taken away to become spare parts. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Clone Wars (TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]''=== *'''But... I... just... got... ''promoted''!''' **Who: OOM-224 **Source: Ambush **Note: Destroyed by Yoda. *'''Watch out!''' **Who: Clone Pilot Matchstick **Source: Shadow of Malevolence **Note: Ship damaged in an attempt to navigate across a shortcut suggested by Anakin to reach a medical station before Grievious could destroy it. When the ''Malevolence'' fires a ion cannon blast later, the clone's ship's stabilizer malfunctions and crashes into Tag's ship, killing them both. *'''Get a message to the fleet! We have to warn--''' **Who: Sergeant O'Niner **Source: Rookies **Note: Said before he gets shot by Commando droids. *'''I... don't.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Hevy **Source: Rookies **Note: Said this after a battle droid says, "Do we take prisoners?" He then proceeded to sacrifice himself by blowing up a bomb manually. *[General Grievous: Good work. You certainly earned your fee this time.] '''More than my fee. This droid is worth more; I get paid more. Now I suggest--''' (yells) **Who: Gha Nachkt **Source: Duel of the Droids **Note: Said to Grievous, whom he planned to sell R2-D2 to before getting stabbed in the back by the general's lightsaber. *'''And I will, of course, make sure your contributions are noted... in my report to Count Dooku.''' **Who: Senate Commando Traitor Captain Faro Argyus **Source: Cloak of Darkness **Note: Said to Asajj Ventress, who in response stabs him in the back and says, "I'll tell him myself." *'''Better warm up the shuttle's long range transmitter.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Niner **Source: Lair of Grievous **Note: Said to fellow clone trooper Bel before a MagnaGuard destroys their ship with a missile launcher, killing them. *'''Looks like you're right about that, sir!''' **Who: Clone Commander Fil **Source: Lair of Grievous **Note: Said to Jedi Knight Nahdar Vebb regarding General Grievous' pet Gor being worse than Grievous, before he is killed by the beast. *'''You can't defeat us all.''' **Who: Nahdar Vebb **Source: Lair of Grievous **Note: Said to General Grievous, prior to Grievous shooting him with his blaster in the middle of their duel. *'''Get him, Master! Kill him! Wait, where's the other Jedi? Oh no...''' **Who: EV-A4-D **Source: Lair of Grievous **Note: Said to Grievous before Kit Fisto slices his head off. *'''We've been betrayed!''' **Who: Senator Kharrus **Source: The Gungan General **Note: Said to Commander Stone as the ship they were aboard was being fired at by a pirate, who shoots it down, killing Kharrus. *'''What-- Uh, what are you doing?''' **Who: Unnamed Weequay and ally of Turk Falso **Source: The Gungan General **Note: Said before Count Dooku uses the force to make Turk choke and shoot him. *'''It won't be long before Hondo figures out what's happened--''' **Who: Turk Falso **Source: The Gungan General **Note: Said before being choked by Dooku. His words regard to the fact that he betrayed Hondo Ohnaka's pirate gang. *'''No... Impossible! Peace... Never! I died for our... people!''' **Who: Chairman Chi Cho **Source: Sphere of Influence **Note: Said to Senator Riyo Chuchi when she is given the power to negotiate with the Talz as he dies from a wound he received from them. *'''I can't help you, Axe; I've got my own problem.''' **Who: Blue Squadron Member Slammer **Source: Storm Over Ryloth **Note: Said to fellow Blue Squadron member Axe before he is killed due to being caught in his ship’s explosion. *'''Overload! Overload!''' **Who: Blue Squadron Member Axe **Source: Storm Over Ryloth **Note: After Slammer's death, Axe's ship explodes as well. *'''Does not compute! Does not compute! Does not compute!''' **Who: Tacitcal Droid TX-20 **Source: Innocents of Ryloth **Note: Said as Twi'leks were about to dismantle him, before getting beheaded. *'''You'll never... get me to open the... holocron.''' **Who: Jedi Master Bolla Ropal **Source: Cargo of Doom **Note: Said to Cad Bane, before he is electrocuted by a battle droid. *'''Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere, bounty hunter.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Denal **Source: Cargo of Doom **Note: Said to Cad Bane before the bounty hunter kills him offscreen and later disguises as him. *'''You were right. He's here somewhere.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Buzz **Source: Legacy of Terror **Note: Said to Jedi Master Luminara Unduli before entering the Progate Temple, only to be killed by Geonosian Zombies. *'''They're not going down!''' **Who: Clone Trooper Gearshift **Source: Legacy of Terror **Note: Said before getting killed by Geonosian Zombies. *'''Now, watch... as my child enters your Jedi friend. And once inside, her mind... becomes ''my'' mind. Her thoughts, ''my'' thoughts.''' **Who: Queen Karina the Great of Geonosis **Source: Legacy of Terror **Note: Said to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, as Poggle the Lesser attempts to possess Luminara Unduli with a Geonosian brain worm. Obi-Wan orders his clone troopers to attack, and when the Jedi and the clones escape the collapsing temple with Poggle taken prisoner, Karina is buried alive. *'''Kadi, se norm'iim...''' **Who: Death Watch bomber **Source: The Mandalore Plot **Note: Said to Duchess Satine Kryze after jumping off a balcony to escape being captured by Obi-Wan. Satine reveals to Kenobi that he was speaking in a language native to Concordia, but does not translate it. *'''(sighs in frustration) Stop messing around. That's not funny. (sighs again) Droids...''' **Who: Clone Trooper Redeye **Source: Voyage of Temptation **Note: Said to R2-D2 before being killed by an assassin probe droid. *'''My side's secure. What have you got, Redeye? Redeye, do you copy?''' **Who: Clone Trooper Mixer **Source: Voyage of Temptation **Note: Said to Redeye before being killed by another assassin droid. *'''No, please, I beg you--''' **Who: ''Coronet'' Captain Gray **Source: Voyage of Temptation **Note: Begging for mercy to Tal Merrik before being shot by him. *'''What will you do? If you shoot me, you'll prove yourself a hypocrite to every pacifist idea you hold dear. And you, Kenobi, you're no stranger to violence. You'll be hailed as a hero by everyone on this ship! ''Almost'' everyone. Come on, then. Who will strike first and brand themselves a cold-blooded killer?''' **Who: Tal Merrik **Source: Voyage of Temptation **Note: Said when he was taunting Obi-Wan and Duchess Satine before he was impaled from behind by Anakin Skywalker. *'''My heart, I can't breathe.''' **Who: Onaconda Farr **Source: Senate Murders **Note: Said after he was poisoned by Lolo Purs. *'''If that creature is as powerful as they say, what good are these rifles gonna be?''' **Who: Clone Trooper Kosmos **Source: The Zillo Beast Strikes Back **Note: After the Zillo Beast was brought to Coruscant, Kosmos and multiple other clones were stationed to keep an eye out on the creature. After remarking that their rifles wouldn't do much good against it, the Zillo Beast killed Kosmos and his companions. *'''Don't shoot!''' **Who: Clone Trooper CT-1477 **Source: Death Trap **Note: Said to Boba Fett, who tricked him into letting him hold his blaster. Boba used it to stun the trooper despite his objection and to destroy the reactor core of the ship they were aboard, killing CT-1477 in the explosion. *'''CT-four-eleven.''' **Who: Clone Commander Ponds (a.k.a. CT-411) **Source: Lethal Trackdown **Note: Said when Aurra Sing demands his name before he was executed by her when Boba Fett becomes hesitant to pull the trigger. *'''That's where you come in.''' **Who: Castas **Source: Lethal Trackdown **Note: Said to his friend Fong Do via hologram. After overhearing Castas insulting and attempting to betray her, Aurra Sing shoots and kills him. *'''99, get outta here! (gets blasted once) This is no place for you. (gets shot in the head)''' **Who: ARC Trooper Havoc **Source: ARC Troopers **Note: Said to 99. *'''I'm a soldier, like you! This is what I was bred for.''' **Who: 99 **Source: ARC Troopers **Note: Said before he was shot and killed by battle droids. *'''I am not finished yet sir. We can do this, General!''' **Who: Clone Captain Keeli **Source: Supply Lines **Note: Said to Jedi General Ima-Gun Di before getting killed by Separatist droids. *'''The Twi'leks... will live to fight another day.''' **Who: Ima-Gun Di **Source: Supply Lines **Note: Dies while fighting Separatist droids. *'''No! Brother, please. Savage!''' **Who: Feral **Source: Monster **Note: Said before being strangled by his brother, Savage Opress, who is transformed into a monstrous brute by the Nightsisters. *'''Get him!''' **Who: Clone Commander Trauma **Source: Monster **Note: Said before foolishly running into Savage Opress' blade. *'''Stand back!''' **Who: Jedi Master Halsey **Source: Monster **Note: Said to his apprentice, Knox, before engaging in a fight with Savage, only to be killed by him. *'''No!''' **Who: Jedi Padawan Knox **Source: Monster **Note: Said upon seeing his master's death. He runs towards Opress, but is killed too. *'''I will not be intimidated!''' **Who: King Katuunko **Source: Witches of the Mist **Note: Said before being Force choked by Savage. *'''Do not hate him, father. It is his nature.''' **Who: The Daughter of Mortis **Source: Altar of Mortis **Note: Said after being accidentally stabbed by her brother, the Son of Mortis, before she transfers her life force into Ahsoka Tano, who was killed by the Son before he stabbed the Daughter. *'''No! (mutters "Oh, what a world...")''' **Who: Ziro the Hutt **Source: Hunt for Ziro **Note: Shot to death by Sy Snootles. *'''And do... you have betrayed me, Father.''' **Who: The Son of Mortis **Source: Ghosts of Mortis **Note: Said after the Father of Mortis allows the Son to be stabbed by Anakin Skywalker. *'''Whether you were meant to be on this mission or not, you are now the most important part of it. Remember this, and see to it that the information I'm about to give you should be told to no one, but... the... Jedi... Council.''' **Who: Even Piell **Source: Citadel Rescue **Note: Said after being fatally injured by the anoobas. They were his last heard words by the audience. His actual final words were the coordinates he gave to Ahsoka. He died right after telling her half of the information. *'''If I can't have the information, it'll die with you!''' **Who: Osi Sobeck **Source: Citadel Rescue **Note: Sobeck grabs Captain Wilhuff Tarkin, who shared half of the information about the coordinates with Even Piell, by the throat. After quote, he lifts Tarkin and attempts to throw him into a lava river nearby, only to be stabbed through the back by Ahsoka's lightsaber. *'''(laughs) I killed your father without pity or mercy!''' **Who: Riff Tamson **Source: Prisoners **Note: Said when taunting Prince Lee Char, before he throws a dagger-grenade into Tamson's shoulder, then detonates it by shooting at it. *'''Not die... sacrifice! Jar Jar, now!''' **Who: Captain Roos Tarpals **Source: Shadow Warrior **Note: Said after General Grievous stabs him and says, "How does it feel to die?". Tarpals uses the last of his strength to shock Grievous into submission, and orders Jar Jar Binks to disarm Grievous before dying. *'''Master, I have done what yousa asked. Skywalker isa here.''' **Who: Minister Rish Loo **Source: Shadow Warrior **Note: Rish Loo had fled to Count Dooku's hideout with Anakin Skywalker following him as part of a plan. Dooku stabs Loo for his incompetence. *'''Big talk for a small droid!''' **Who: Hay Zu **Source: Nomad Droids **Note: Said before he was crushed by R2-D2. *'''Live to fight another day, boys. Live to fight another day.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Hardcase **Source: Plan of Dissent **Note: Said to his friends, ARC Troopers Fives and Jesse before dying in an explosion caused by himself. *'''It... it was General Krell. (coughs) He sent us to these coordinates to stop the enemy. We thought they were wearing our armor. (coughs again) But it was... you...''' **Who: Clone Trooper Waxer **Source: Carnage of Krell **Note: Said to Captain Rex before dying of gunshot wounds. *'''Eventually, you'll have to do the right thing, and—''' **Who: Pong Krell **Source: Carnage of Krell **Note: Said before Clone Trooper Dogma shoots him in the back as execution for treason. *'''You were right, Skywalker. I am a slave, just as you are.''' **Who: Queen Miraj Scintel **Source: Escape from Kadavo **Note: Said before dying from complications of being Force choked by Count Dooku. *'''Come, Master Kenobi. I know a Jedi won't kill an unarmed man.''' **Who: Keeper Agruss **Source: Escape from Kadavo **Note: Said to Obi-Wan Kenobi before Captain Rex hurls an electrostaff at Agruss, impaling him. In distress and agony, Agruss then flew his power chair into a bank of monitors and was electrocuted. *'''Save them, Ahsoka. Save them. Save my people.''' **Who: Tryla **Source: A Friend in Need **Note: Said to Ahsoka after being stabbed by Pre Vizsla, referring to the Ming Po people. *'''Go, and lead us to victory.''' **Who: Karis **Source: Massacre **Note: Said to Asajj Ventress after being crushed by a statue that fell when shot by a droid bomber. *'''Doom is upon us, sister. Run. Save yourself.''' **Who: Luce **Source: Massacre **Note: Said to Asajj Ventress after being shot in the back by a battle droid. *'''No. No. No.''' **Who: Daka **Source: Massacre **Note: Said before she is stabbed by Grievous. *'''Hey, I'm talking to you, lady!''' **Who: Oked **Source: Bounty **Note: Said to Ventress, who then impales him with her lightsaber. *'''Follow me. This way. C'mon, let's go!''' **Who: Dono **Source: Soft War **Note: Said to the Onderon rebels before she is shot by a super battle droid. *'''What about--?!''' **Who: King Sanjay Rash **Source: Tipping Points **Note: He is shot and executed by Kalani after Dooku told him to retreat from Onderon. *'''Look out!''' **Who: Steela Gerrera **Source: Tipping Points **Note: Said to King Ramsis Dendup. After saving him from a commando droid, an HMP droid gunship crashed onto the cliff where they were standing. As the rock they were on began cracking, Steela shoved the king back to the cliff before trying to jump to safety collapsing rock, only to catch herself hanging on the cliff. Using the force, Ahsoka almost pulls Steela to safety, but was hit by a blast from the downed gunship behind her, causing Steela to fall to her death. *'''Quiet! We are the Black Sun!''' **Who: Black Sun Leader Xomit Grunseit **Source: Eminence **Note: He is decapitated by Savage Opress after refusing to join the Shadow Collective. *'''Like you said: only the strongest... shall rule.''' **Who: Pre Vizsla **Source: Shades of Reason **Note: Accepting his defeat in the brutal hands of Darth Maul for the control of Mandalore before being beheaded with his own darksaber. *''' Remember, my dear Obi-Wan... I loved you always... I always will.''' **Who: Duchess Satine Kryze **Source: The Lawless **Note: Said to Obi-Wan Kenobi, her longtime friend and lover, after getting choked and stabbed by Darth Maul. *'''Brother, I am an unworthy apprentice. I'm not like you. I never was.''' **Who: Savage Opress **Source: The Lawless **Note: Said to Darth Maul after getting stabbed by Darth Sidious with a lightsaber. Body returns to original form. *'''On your right!''' **Who: Jedi Master Tiplar **Source: The Unknown **Note: Said before unexpectedly getting shot by an insane Clone Trooper Tup. *'''You… you know the one. The--the mission, the one in our dreams… that never ends. The one in our dreams… Oh, brother. This is the end. Forget the mission. Oh, the nightmare. I'm… free.''' **Who: Clone Trooper Tup **Source: Conspiracy **Note: Said to fellow clone trooper Fives before dying of medical complications after his malfunctioning biochip (the cause of his insanity) was removed. *'''The mission... the nightmares... they're... finally... over...''' **Who: ARC Trooper Fives **Source: Orders **Note: Said to Captain Rex as he dies in his arms after being shot by Commander Fox, referencing Tup's last words. *'''We can't do this Dooku. The Separatist Senate will never approve! No, no, NOOO!''' **Who: Bec Lawise **Source: Crisis at the Heart **Note: After Lawise protests Count Dooku's order to arrest Padmé Amidala, Dooku uses the Force to make Padmé shoot and kill him. *'''FOR THE REPUBLIC!''' **Who: Clone Commander Thorn **Source: Crisis at the Heart **Note: Dies while fighting Separatist droids. *'''I'm sorry, Padmé.''' **Who: Senator Rush Clovis **Source: Crisis at the Heart **Note: Anakin is holding Clovis with one hand, Padmé with another as the two dangle over a ledge. Anakin says he cannot hold onto both of them. Padmé will not let Clovis let go. Clovis, knowing he and Padmé will both die if he keeps holding on, says the quote to Padmé and lets himself fall. Anakin is then able to pull Padmé to safety. *'''Because... because...''' **Who: Silman **Source: The Lost One **Note: Said to Obi-Wan and Anakin before being Force choked to death by Count Dooku. *'''Kill Tyranus!''' **Who: Pyke Syndicate Minister Lom Pyke **Source: The Lost One **Note: Ordering the Pykes to gun down Dooku (a.k.a. Darth Tyranus), he is impaled by the Sith Lord shortly after. *'''You're a Jedi. Your nobility--''' **Who: Admiral Trench **Source: Unfinished Business **Note: Said to Anakin Skywalker and referring to his belief that the Jedi Knight would not kill him. Those were his final words heard by the audience. His actual last words revealed the final number to the sequence for dismantling a bomb that he planted on the ship aboard, which Skywalker was demanding for. After Anakin informs Mace Windu via comlink, Trench attacks him but is stabbed by the Jedi Knight. *'''Open fire! Open!''' **Who: A Super Tactical Droid in Yerbana **Source: Old Friends Not Forgotten **Note: Anakin kills him as the droid commander orders the battle droids to open fire. *''' I'm sorry, Commander.''' **Who: Clone Captain Vaughn **Source: Old Friends Not Forgotten **Note: Said to Ahsoka Tano before succumbing to a blaster shot to the chest. *'''Skywalker.''' **Who: Prime Minister Almec **Source: The Phantom Apprentice **Note: Said to Ahsoka while being questioned by her. When Tano and Bo-Katan Kryze interrogate him, Almec resists telling them whom Darth Maul wanted to come to Mandalore until Bo-Katan forces him to. Just then, Almec is shot twice by Gar Saxon on Maul's orders. Before dying, he gives his answer as Anakin Skywalker. *'''Blast 'em!''' **Who: ARC Trooper Jesse **Source: Victory and Death **Note: Jesse leads an entire army of clone troopers in an attempt to kill Ahsoka and Rex, as a result of Order 66 and Rex defending Ahsoka. Those are his last words spoken onscreen before he dies in the crash of the ''Venator''-class Star Destroyer ''Tribunal'' they are on. ===''[[Star Wars Rebels]]''=== *'''Others, sir? You mean there are other cells?''' **Who: Taskmaster Myles Grint **Source: Call to Action **Note: An Imperial officer stationed to keep order in the Lothal system, he is beheaded alongside his co-officer Arensko by the Inquisitor on Grand Moff Tarkin's orders after failing multiple times to incapacitate the Rebel forces of Ezra Bridger and his friends. Before he died, he questioned Tarkin when he mentioned about Rebel outposts scattered throughout the galaxy. *'''We have encountered him, sir, and he lives up to their reputation.''' **Who: Cumberlayne Aresko **Source: Call to Action **Note: See above. His last words refer to their encounters with Kanan Jarrus, a former Jedi during the Clone Wars and the leader of the Rebel forces in Lothal. *'''You have no idea what you've unleashed here today. There are some things far more frightening than death.''' **Who: The Grand Inquisitor **Source: Fire Across the Galaxy **Note: An assassin hired by Darth Vader to hunt down any surviving Jedi in the galaxy, he crosses paths several times with Kanan and the Rebels before finally capturing Kanan on a mission the Rebels embarked on to hack into the Imperial Communications tower on Lothal. In their final fight aboard the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer ''Sovereign'' over Mustafar, he is eventually overcome by Kanan and warns him of the effects the rise of the Rebellion will bring before committing suicide by falling into an exploding reactor. *'''Right!''' **Who: Minister Maketh Tua **Source: The Siege of Lothal **Note: Minister for the Empire who tries to defect to the Rebels. Her last onscreen words were spoken to Ezra Bridger, who ordered her to get to her escape shuttle. When she does, the ship is blown up by the Empire. *'''They took her. The red blades. They knew, that she has it. Find her. She... has... it.''' **Who: Darja **Source: The Future of the Force **Note: Grandmother of Alora, a Force-sensitive child who was abducted by the Fifth Brother and Seventh Sister. After being fatally wounded by the Inquisitors, Darja is saved by Ahsoka Tano and informs her of the abduction in her dying words. *'''No... no!!''' **Who: The Seventh Sister **Source: Twilight of the Apprentice **Note: One of three Inquisitors appointed by Darth Vader to hunt down the fugitive Jedi that survived Order 66, she faces off with Ezra and the former Sith Lord Maul on Malachor to obtain the Sith Holocron that rests inside the Temple. Maul goads Ezra into fighting the villainess, wearing her down before choking her with the Force. When Ezra could not bring himself to kill his enemy, Maul throws his lightsaber at the helpless Inquisitor, cutting her in half and killing her. *'''We cannot allow him to use it.''' **Who: The Fifth Brother **Source: Twilight of the Apprentice **Note: One of the four known Inquisitors trained by Darth Vader to hunt down the remaining Jedi. His last known words were referring to Ezra after it has been discovered by him, the Seventh Sister, and the Eighth Brother that he is possessing a Sith Holocron. He was later defeated by Ahsoka and slain by Maul. *'''Give me the holocron!''' **Who: The Eighth Brother **Source: Twilight of the Apprentice **Note: One of four known Inquisitors trained by Darth Vader to hunt down surviving Jedi. During the mission to Malachor, his last known words were to Jedi Apprentice, Ezra Bridger when he threatens to kill him if he does not hand him a Sith Holocron he has. Bridger was eventually saved by the former Sith Lord, Maul. The Eighth Brother fell to his death after attempting to flee Maul, Kanan Jarrus, and Ahsoka Tano. *'''Red... Red blade, after you. Made me tell... The ''Ghost'' is in danger.''' **Who: Unidentified rebel trooper **Source: The Holocrons of Fate **Note: Said to Ezra and referring to Maul. *'''Yeah, and all of ours.''' **Who: Rake Gahree **Source: The Antilles Extraction **Note: An Imperial Pilot Cadet who defected to the Rebellion. He was killed by Captain Vult Skerris while attempting to flee Skystrike Academy in Montross. *'''Greetings,''' **Who: B1-268 (Battle Droid) **Source: The Last Battle **Note: Destroyed by stormtroopers. *'''I can't stop it... NOOOOOO!!!''' **Who: Morad Sumar **Source: An Inside Man **Note: A citizen of Lothal who was forced into making vehicles for the Empire. He was tricked by Grand Admiral Thrawn into testing an Imperial speeder he had built and sabotaged. The speeder overheated and exploded, killing Sumar in the process. *'''I'll never yield to you, girl! You'll have to kill me!''' **Who: Gar Saxon **Source: Legacy of Mandalore **Note: The Imperial Viceroy of Mandalore after the Empire took over. Saxon was eventually defeated in combat with the young rebel Mandalorian Sabine Wren on Krownest, but she chooses to spare his life instead of killing him. As Saxon was about to shoot Sabine from behind, he is himself shot and killed by her mother, Countess Ursa Wren. *'''He... will... avenge... us.''' **Who: Darth Maul **Source: Twin Suns **Notes: Obi-Wan Kenobi's longtime rival and former apprentice to Darth Sidious/Emperor Palpatine. Like Obi-Wan, Maul became a ruined exile as a result of Palpatine's machinations. By manipulating Ezra Bridger, Maul eventually hunts down Obi-Wan, but once more loses to him in combat, and this time, Obi-Wan mortally wounds him. He then asks if the person Obi-Wan is watching over (Luke Skywalker) is the Chosen One, and Kenobi replies that he is. Maul then dies in Obi-Wan's arms, believing that this "Chosen One" will avenge them by destroying the Sith. *'''Now!''' **Who: Jun Sato **Source: Zero Hour **Notes: In a space battle above the planet of Atollon, the Rebels are ambushed by the fleet of the Empire, which manages to deal a heavy blow to most of the Rebel starfighters. To buy Ezra time to find help, Sato demands for the crew of his ship to fly directly into an ''Interdictor''-class Star Destroyer as a sacrificial movement. The plan succeeds as both ships are destroyed when they collide into each other. *'''No... take evasive action!''' **Who: Admiral Kassius Konstantine **Source: Zero Hour **Notes: During the Battle of Atollon, Konstantine commanded the ''Interdictor''-class Star Destroyer, dealing a heavy blow to much of the Rebel's fleet. As Sato commandeered his ship to fly towards Konstantine's, Thrawn demanded for the ''Interdictor''-class Star Destroyer to hold its position (believing Sato was approaching in surrender), only for Konstantine to defy his superior's request. It was when the two ships collided that the Admiral realized his mistake, but it was already too late as the crews of both ships were killed in the collision. *'''I'll take that into consideration.''' **Who: Tiber Saxon **Source: Heroes of Mandalore Pt 2 **Notes: Said before getting electrocuted. As Tiber was being electrocuted, Sabine destroyed the Duchess' power core, making it explode, killing Tiber in the process. *'''Pursuit course. After them.''' **Who: Brom Titus **Source: In The Name Of The Rebellion **Notes: Titus did not failing to notice the proton bombs, ordered the ''Arquitens''-class command cruiser ''Marauder'' to chase after Saw Gerrera's U-wing. By the time the cruiser was in position, the bombs detonated, creating an explosion which engulfed the cruiser and killed Titus, along with his crew. *'''It's the prisoners, they're trying to commendeer the shuttle!''' **Who: DT-F16 **Source: In The Name Of The Rebellion **Notes : Head of the Death troopers on the Kyber Crystal transport ship. Character was kicked aside by Ezra, who, together with Sabine and Saw escaped the shuttle. The vessel was later destroyed due to an explosion of the kyber crystal, which killed her. *'''Gone? Commnander, if anything happens to that crystal-''' [DT-F16: It's both our heads, where are the rebels?] '''I don't know, but we've lost contact with the engine room.''' **Who: Captain Wells **Source: In The Name Of The Rebellion **Notes: Wells was on the vessel destroyed due to an explosion of the kyber crystal, which killed him. *'''Oh no! ''' **Who: Captain Slavin **Source: In The Name Of The Rebellion **Notes: Said after being informed that the Kyber Crystal was going critical before being killed when the kyber crystal in the vessel blew up, destroying the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer he was on, killing him in the process. *'''Ah!!!''' **Who: Tradoshan Worker Proach **Source: Crawler Commandeers **Notes: Fell to his death after he lost grip from his weapon. *'''Woah!''' **Who: Tradoshan Worker Seevor **Source: Crawler Commandeers **Notes: Character slipped on Ezra's lightsaber and was crushed by a smelter. *''' Good shot!''' **Who: Rebel pilot Duke **Source: Rebel Assault **Notes : Said to Cleat before getting shot down by Vult Skerris. *''' Control systems failing!''' **Who: Rebel pilot Cleat **Source: Rebel Assault **Notes: Said to Hera before getting shot down by Vult Skerris. *'''Negative command. I've almost got her!''' **Who: Vult Skerris **Source: Rebel Assault **Notes: His TIE Defender Elite's shields were destroyed by turbolasers by the order from Thrawn, Hera's X-wing's shields were also destroyed. Though the Elite's shields were able to withstand the barrage, they were disabled as a result, leaving his ship just as vulnerable as Hera's. She then fired on the ''Imperial'' ''I''-class Star Destroyer ''Chimaer''<nowiki/>''a'''s scanning array, damaging it and sending up a cloud of smoke, before closing her S-foils and flying through the narrow gap. Thrawn specifically warned him that this was a blatant trap that she was leading him into of which he had this to say. Due to the Elite's larger profile, Skerris flew around the structure, and realized too late that he had played right into the Twi'lek's hands as she fired on his now unprotected ship, blowing off two of its wings. Helpless, Skerris could only scream as his disabled fighter spun out of control and crashed into an ''Arquitens''-class command cruiser, killing him instantly. *'''[Beep]''' [Mart: No!] **Who: R3-A3 **Source: Rebel Assault **Notes: When the attack failed, and the other Rebel fighters were shot down, with a few managing to crash-land in Capital City. Mart and R3 were among those who survived. When Imperial stormtroopers approached Mart's crashed fighter, intending to arrest him, R3 defended the injured and disoriented pilot. The stormtroopers wanted to take the droid captive, as his memory banks would be valuable intelligence. They eventually shot and destroyed R3. *'''This is LS-261. We're under attack!''' **Who: LS-261 **Source: Jedi Night **Notes: Said when Kanan Jarrus had broken into the Dome and calling command before getting forced pulled by Kanan and thrown out of a window, sending him falling to his death. *'''Must be the truth serum talking.''' **Who: Caleb Dume/Kanan Jarrus **Source: Jedi Night **Notes: Said during his final conversation with Hera during which she said she loved him and he responded that it came from her due to the truth potion she had earlier been forced to take by Thrawn. With no further words spoken, Kanan sacrificed his life to save Ezra, Hera and Sabine by Force-pushing them into the ''Ghost'' after Governor Pryce ordered AT-AT drivers to shoot the fuel pod, the subsequent explosion vaporizing him. *''' What have you done? Everything will be lost!!!!''' **Who: Veris Hydan **Source: A World Between Worlds **Notes: The temple that Hydan was standing on sunk into the ground in a blinding flash, Hydan lamented that the Emperor's fate was lost. He then fell into a chasm. *'''It was an honor to serve with you, Rex. It was an honor to fight with you, for something that we chose to believe in.''' **Who: CC-5576-39/Gregor **Source: Family Reunion-and Farewell **Notes: Said in Rex's arms after getting fatally shot by an Imperial weapons technician. *'''Uh,''' [Thrawn: Rukh! Rukh! What's your status?][Zeb: Sorry, you'll have to call back. He's... busy at the moment. Yeah, um... Never mind about calling back.] **Who: Rukh **Source: Family Reunion-and Farewell **Notes: Grunted whilst fighting Zeb one final time. During the fight, Zeb tangled Rukh's foot in the generator's wiring, causing Rukh to be caught in the electric current as Kallus activated the shield generator. Realizing the shield was up as his bombardment did nothing to the city, Thrawn contacted Rukh for his status, but Orrelios had retrieved Rukh's comlink and laughingly informed Thrawn of the bodyguard's fate amidst the sound of Rukh being fried to death in the background. *'''I serve the Empire until the end.''' **Who: Governor Arihnda Pryce **Source: Family Reunion-and Farewell **Notes: Stated that she will be loyal to the Empire after being offered a chance to leave and live by Ryder Azadi (a former friend). She then hurried to the Imperial Dome's bridge and silently accepted her fate before getting killed when the Dome exploded. ===''[[Star Wars Resistance]]''=== ===''[[Star Wars: The Bad Batch]]''=== *'''You must run! Run Caleb!''' **Who: Depa Billaba **Source: Aftermath **Note: Said to her Padawan Caleb Dume while defending herself from clone troopers after Order 66 was issued. She is killed soon afterwards. *'''No, None of us are. Ignore the clone, we signed up to be soldiers, not an execution squad, we're gonna detain the prisoners and take them in for questioning.''' **Who: ES-01 **Source: Replacements **Note: Said to Crosshair then to the the other squad members about the Refugee's they had just captured. He is shot by Crosshair shortly after. ===''{{w|Star Wars: Visions}}''=== *I told you to throw down your weapon. Don't the lives of the women and children of the village mean to you? **Who: Bandit Leader / Kouru **Source: "The Duel" **Note: The Ronin fights the leader of the bandits, a self-declared Dark Lord of the Sith armed with a heavily-modified lightsaber while his droid saves the villagers; the Ronin, a former actual Sith, lures the bandit leader into a trap and kills her. *What are you? Some kind of a monster?! **Who: Izuma **Source: "The Village Bride" **Note: After Izuma takes the village bride Haru hostage and threatens to execute her, the Jedi named F reveals herself and slashes the leader with her yellow lightsaber, freeing Haru. *C03, I leave this child to you. I am one with the Force. The Force is with me. **Who: Professor Mikata **Source: "T0-B1" **Note: After droids T0-B1 and C03 enter Professor Mikata's starship, T0-B1 inadvertently sends a signal that alerts a Sith Inquisitor to their presence. Mitaka reveals himself to be a former Jedi and hides both T0-B1 and his old lightsaber hilt, sacrificing himself to the Inquisitor. *Useless junk! **Who: Inquisitor **Source: "T0-B1" **Note: T0-B1 continues Mikata's research and successfully terraforms the planet, but is confronted by the Inquisitor. Upon fixing Mitaka's lightsaber, T0-B1 is revealed to be powered by a kyber crystal and designed by Mitaka to be able to wield the Force, and igniting the lightsaber, kills the Inquisitor in a duel. ==Live-Action Series== ===''[[w:The Mandalorian|The Mandalorian]]''=== *'''The asset is to be terminated.''' **Who: IG-11 **Source: Chapter 1: The Mandalorian **Note: Droid had strict orders to kill Grogu. Before he could do so, Din Djarin shoots him on the head, destroying him. He is later found and reprogrammed by Kuiil. *'''Yes I have. Currently it is sleeping.''' **Who: The Client **Source: Chapter 7: The Reckoning **Note: Said to Moff Gideon when he asks if Grogu was secured. Gideon, who does not believe him, has one of his death troopers shoot the Client in the chest, killing him. *'''I must be destroyed.''' **Who: IG-11 (second time) **Source: Chapter 8: Redemption **Note: Said to stormtroopers before self destructing, killing them and allowing Din Djarin, Carasynthia Dune, Greef Karga and Grogu to escape. *'''But we've outlasted them, son. They're eatin' themselves alive. The New Republic is in complete disarray, and we grow stronger. You see, with the rhydonium you've delivered, we can create havoc that's gonna make Burnin Konn just pale by comparison. And then they're gonna turn to us once again. You see, boys, everybody thinks they want freedom, but what they really want is order. And when they realize that, they're gonna welcome us back with open arms. Ah. To the Empire.''' **Who: Valin Hess **Source: Chapter 15: The Believer **Note: Said to Migs Mayfeld and Din Djarin. Hess raises his cup for a toast, but Mayfeld instead shoots him in the chest, killing him. *''[In Huttese]'' '''Boba. I thought you were dead. I am so glad to see you. I had heard many rumors.''' **Who: Bib Fortuna **Source: Chapter 16: The Rescue **Note: Said to Boba Fett before getting shot by him. ===''[[w:Andor (TV series)|Andor]]''=== ===''[[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi (TV series)|Obi-Wan Kenobi]]''=== ===''[[w:The Acolyte (TV series)|The Acolyte]]''=== ===''[[w:Ahsoka (TV series)|Ahsoka]]''=== ===''[[w:Lando (TV series)|Lando]]''=== ===''[[w:Rangers of the New Republic|Rangers of the New Republic]]''=== ===''[[w:The Book of Boba Fett|The Book of Boba Fett]]''=== *'''I knew you were a killer.''' **Who: Cad Bane **Source: Chapter 7: In the Name of Honor **Note: Said to Boba Fett before being impaled. ==Games== ===''[[w:Star Wars: Dark Forces|Dark Forces]]''=== *'''It's been a long time since I've challenged a man to battle. I'm glad my opponent is so worthy.''' **Who: General Rom Mohc **Note: Character was an Imperial general and veteran of the Clone Wars obsessed with personal combat, who developed a new kind of stormtrooper known as the "Dark Trooper". He says this as he faces off against Kyle Katarn onboard the ''Arc Hammer'', the mobile factory that produced the Dark Troopers, while wearing an advanced Dark Trooper battlesuit. ===''[[w:Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II|Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II]]''=== *'''I'm here for my well-deserved payment.''' **Who: 8t88 **Note: Character was a droid who had helped Jerec obtain the map to the Valley of the Jedi and expected to be paid. However, as he says this, he sees the Dark Jedi Gorc and Pic, who decapitate him and mount his severed head on top of his neck by the time Kyle catches up with them. *'''Lovely, yes? Our master is on his way to the Valley of the Jedi as we speak- a fortune you will not be so lucky to experience.''' **Who: Pic **Notes: Character and his brother Gorc ambush Kyle, but are killed. *'''Heh heh heh... I'm weaponless... KILL ME!''' (pause) '''You can't, can you? You're weak... like your father. I remember it... Jerec... He gave him a sweet slow death, a death worthy of a COWARD! I had the honor of taking his head and THRUSTING IT on a spike for all to see... Hee hee heh ha ha...''' **Who: Maw **Note: Character, a Dark Jedi, attempted to anger Kyle Katarn into killing him after losing in a duel with him. Katarn finishes him off with his lightsaber as he breaks out in insane laughter. *'''Why?''' **Who: Sariss **Note: If the player chose the Light path, Sariss is about to finish Kyle off after Boc destroys his lightsaber and leaves. However, Yun is cut down instead after rising to deflect the blow, and Sariss asks him this before he dies. She then fights Katarn and is killed. *'''He is a Jedi... he deserves a battle...''' **Who: Yun **Note: Line in response to Sariss' previous question. He collapses and dies of his injuries afterward. *[Jan: As long as I'm around to pay you, I don't care. Kyle: My sentiments exactly.] '''Mine, too! AH HA HA!''' **Who: Boc **Notes: Kyle has found and freed Jan, joking with her about how it will cost her a lot of money that she doesn't have. Boc emerges, having been disguised as a statue, and fights Kyle, but is killed. *'''I am defenseless... strike me down and the power of the dark side will be yours.''' (pause as Kyle does nothing) '''I'm sure you haven't forgotten... I'm the one who murdered your father.''' **Who: Jerec **Notes: Character says this after Kyle defeats him. Kyle then says "No, I haven't," and throws him his lightsaber. Jerec charges him, but Kyle hits him with his lightsaber, killing him. ===''[[w:Star Wars Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast|Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast]]''=== *'''Going somewhere gentlemen?''' **Who: Reelo Baruk **Notes: Spoken while sitting on a turret and prepared to shoot down Lando's Lady Luck. *'''You... weak... FOOL...!''' **Who: Desann **Notes: Spoken after Katarn attempts to convince him to seek redemption. He dies fighting Katarn. *'''Raargh!!!''' **Who: Galak Fyyar **Notes: Spoken when Katarn interrupts his villainous monologue by bringing down his ship's shields. ===The ''[[w:Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy|Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy]]'' series=== * '''It... seems I... under... estimated... you... Jedi...''' ** Who: Rax Joris * '''Nooooo! You will pay for that Jedi.''' ** Who: One of the Kothos Twins * '''Tavion has taught me many things as well, you sanctimonious fool!''' ** Who: Alora * '''Marka Ragnos...''' ** Who: Tavion ** Notes: When Ragnos, the final antagonist, appears, she can only say the resurrected Sith lord's entire name in awe before he possesses her. * '''No!!! This is impossible!!! I will return, Jedi! One day, I shall return, and annihilate you all!!!!!''' **Who: Marka Ragnos * '''Thank... you...''' ** Rosh Penin, in the Dark Side version of the game's final storyline; Rosh is mortally wounded by Jaden Korr and tells Kyle Katarn that "You've lost both your students" when he arrives. Katarn tells him "No. You are a Jedi." === ''[[w:Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Knights of the Old Republic]]'' === *'''And in the end, as the darkness takes me...I am nothing.''' *'''And so it ends, as I somehow always knew it must: In darkness.''' **Who: [[Darth Malak]] **Note: The line said is dependent on whether the character gets the light or dark ending, the first denoting light and the second, dark. * '''Your words mean nothing to me; unless you wish to beg for your life. No? Then I will make this quick ''and'' painful!''' ** Darth Bandon ** Note: Dark Jedi training as Darth Malak's apprentice. The planet where Bandon confronts Revan varies depending on player choices, but Bandon dismisses Revan's words and attacks regardless. * '''This is our only chance to destroy the Star Forge. We can't withdraw! We can't!''' ** Who: Admiral Forn Dodonna ** Note: Admiral in the Republic Navy; she desperately refuses Master Vandar's efforts to get her to escape with what remains of the fleet sent to attack the Star Forge in the game's Dark Side ending. Vandar responds with his own final words. * '''I, Juhani, will be your death!''' ** Who: Juhani ** Note: Jedi trainee on Dantooine. Juhani fled the Jedi Enclave after attacking her Master in a fit of rage, and Revan is sent to confront her. If the player chooses to attack Juhani a second time when she pauses during the fight, Juhani responds by fighting to the death. * '''Make it quick, Calo, the Sith mean business. If we don't get to our ships and find somewhere safe, the bombs they're dropping will kill us all!''' ** Who: Davik Kang ** Note: Crime lord on the decaying urban world of Taris; Davik runs to his estate's hangar when the Sith fleet in orbit begins bombing the planet on orders from Darth Malak when Revan, Canderous Ordo, and Bastila Shan arrive. Calo Nord says "I'll take care of them, Davik. I've been looking forward to this for a long time." Davik is killed in the ensuing fight. *'''Let's go boys, it's showtime.''' **Who: Calo Nord **Note: Infamous bounty hunter hired by Darth Malak to kill the protaganist. Dies in the subsequent battle after uttering line to several of his hirelings (who vary depending on which planet he is encountered on). * '''Too late, old man! You should've run when you had the chance!''' ** Who: Dustil Onasi ** Note: Trainee at the Sith Academy on Korriban. Dustil was found on the surface of Telos IV as a child when the Sith bombarded the planet, and he was brought to Korriban to become a Dark Jedi after it was discovered he was Force sensitive. Depending on dialogue choices taken when confronting Dustil with his father Carth in the party, Dustil can become enraged and attack, dying in the ensuing fight. *'''Then you will lose.''' **Who: Master Vandar **Notes: Character says this about Admiral Dodonna's refusal to retreat if the player chooses the dark path. Shortly afterwards, the Sith fleet destroys his and Admiral Dodonna's command ship. In the light side path, he survives the battle, but is presumably killed on Katarr in the events between the game and its sequel. ===''[[w:Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords|Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords]]''=== *'''I am glad to leave this place...at last.''' ** Who: [[w:Darth Sion|Darth Sion]] **Notes: The player has defeated him after rendering him vulnerable by breaking his will through persuasion. * '''Joke's on me... hurts when I laugh... hurts...''' ** Who: [[w:Atton Rand|Atton Rand]] ** Note: In the cut ending of the game, the character dies after hours of torture at the hands of Darth Sion. In the released version of the game, he survives (evident in Darth Traya's prophecy). * '''I will not fall easily.''' ** Who: Queen Talia ** Note: Reigning monarch of Onderon when General Vaklu, head of the Onderon military, makes his own claim to the throne and starts the Onderon Civil War; Talia says this if the player character has sided with Vaklu's forces and agrees to kill Talia personally. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed|The Force Unleashed]]''=== * '''Run!''' ** Who: Kento Marek ** Note: Force-choked to death by Darth Vader after being beaten at the start of the game. Yells this to his son (Galen Marek) when Vader sees the boy. He does not comply, and ends up as Vader's apprentice. * '''Lord Vader!''' ** Who: Unnamed Imperial Commander ** Note: Killed by Darth Vader as he defends the son of the Jedi he had recently killed at the start of the game; said boy is holding Vader's lightsaber at the Sith Lord as the the officer and his stormtroopers enter the scene, causing them to perceive him as a threat. * '''I'm sorry, Masters. I've failed you again...''' ** Who: Kazdan Paratus ** Note: A beam of light bursts from his chest, killing him. This occurs after he is beaten in the game. * '''Please... don't...''' ** Who: Darth Phobos Hologram (PS2 and Wii versions only) ** Note: A shape-shifting Sith Lord who tried to find the fear within the Apprentice, constantly morphing into his love, Juno Eclipse. When he defeats her, she morphs into Eclipse one more time, and makes this plea before being stabbed in the chest. * '''You are Vader's slave... but your power is wasted with him. You could be so much more... '''(Starkiller: You will never convince me to betray my master.) '''Poor boy. The Sith always betray one another... but I'm sure you'll learn that soon enough.''' ** Who: Shaak Ti ** Note: After being defeated by Starkiller in Felucia, Shaak Ti said these words before succumbing to her wounds and dropping to her death. She had two alternate deaths in deleted scenes of [[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]], but both were non-canon. This was considered her canon death as the events in the game were canon in the franchise, until the continuity was reset in April 2014 to only the films, TV shows and every new release since then. * '''Wait! Let's be civil--! AAAGH!!!''' ** Who: Captain Ozzik Sturn ** Note: Said this before Starkiller destroyed his modified AT-KT. * '''Go! Hurry! Protect the senators!''' ** Who: Starkiller/The Apprentice/Galen Marek ** Note: Said before he attempts to stop Emperor Palpatine's attack on his friends. In an attempt to cover the Rebel leaders' escape, he unleashes a massive Force-blast, killing himself. His death serves as a inspiration for the Rebel Alliance's formation. However, in the game [[W:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II|The Force Unleashed II]], a clone of the Apprentice is created to replace the original Starkiller. ===''[[w:Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II|The Force Unleashed II]]''=== *''''' Wait... don't...''''' [Vader: Strike her down.] [Starkiller: I... can't...!] [Vader: You will! You were created to do my bidding!...Then it is as I feared.] ** Who: Juno Eclipse *** Note: Said as the cloned Starkiller tries to kill Juno, a final test by Vader, but it turned out to only be a training droid disguised as Juno when Vader struck it down when Starkiller refused to strike the droid down, thinking it is Juno. ===''[[w:Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order|Jedi: Fallen Order]]''=== * '''I, uh, I've been working on this heap for a long time. Way before the war. We refit and rebuild ships; best in the galaxy. Then came the Empire, and engineers... became scrappers. The workers- just started getting worked.''' [Cal: Prauf…] '''But we all know the truth, we're just too afraid to say it. To the Empire... we're all just expendable.''' [Second Sister: Yes, you are.] **Who: Prauf **Note: An Abednedo engineer and scrapper who is the best friend of Cal Kestis during his time on the planet Bracca. After Cal inadvertedly uses the Force to save Prauf from falling to his death in a salvaging accident, the Inquistors are summoned to the planet and threaten to execute all the workers unless the suspected Jedi turns himself over. To protect Cal, Prauf steps forward and proceeds to call out the Empire for robbing the workers on Bracca of their livelihood and adds that the Empire sees the workers' lives as mere collateral before the Second Sister impales Prauf with her lightsaber and kills him. *'''Being an Inquisitor taught me no setback is too great. When you've already lost yourself... a limb's easy. You know, I was a Jedi. It'd be fun to bring you in. Watch you crack like the rest of us! Angers you. Just wait 'til the isolation. Torture. Mutilation. And your friends...''' [Cal: I won't let you touch them.] '''You can't stop the Empire!''' [Cal: I can stop you.] **Who: Masana Tide/The Ninth Sister **Note: Atop the Origin Tree in Kashyyyk, Kestis was able to cut off the Ninth Sister's right hand, disarming her. Using the Force originating from her caterised wounded hand to hold her lightsaber, stating that the Inquisitors were trained in special abilities. The Ninth Sister continued to fight Kestis, expressing her wish for Kestis to undergo the same torture that she and the other former Jedi endured to become an Inquisitor. As she grew more angry, Kestis outmaneuvered her and slashed her back. The Ninth Sister continued to advance on him, but Kestis flipped behind her and pushed her with the Force through the branches behind, sending her falling out of the nest. Her ultimate fate is unknown. *'''Cal. Cal. I overloaded the ship's reactors. The explosion will mask our escape. This... war is not over, my Padawan. Hold the line. Wait for the Jedi Council's signal. Remember... Trust only... In the Force.''' **Who: Jaro Tapal **Note: As Cal meditates inside the Zeffo temple on Dathomir, he experiences a flashback as a Padawan where he remembered his master, Jaro Tapal, being mortally wounded to protect Cal from the clone troopers during the Purge. As they fled via escape pod, Jaro entrusts his lightsaber to Cal and urges him to trust only in the Force before dying of his wounds. *'''What is this?''' [Nightsister Merrin: It's like you said, Malicos. Dathomir will be your grave.] '''No!''' **Who: Taron Malicos **Note: As Cal and Nightsister Merrin confront and defeat the former Jedi Master Taron Malicos on Dathomir, Merrin grabs Malicos with her magick and buries him alive underneath the ground, leaving both the young Jedi and Nightsister victorious in the duel. * [Vader: You have failed me, Inquisitor.] '''Avenge us.''' **Who: Trilla Suduri/The Second Sister **Note: The former apprentice to Jedi Knight Cere Junda, who was left psychologically broken by the Empire after her master abandoned her, and trained to become an Inquisitor. In Cal Kestis's quest to find an important holocron that contains information on force-sensitive Jedi survivors, she pursued and antagonized the heroes until a final confrontation on the planet Nul. When Trilla breaks free from the dark side and makes amends with Cere, she is then executed by Darth Vader, who suddenly appears before the group and strikes her down. ===''[[w:Star Wars Jedi: Survivor|Jedi: Survivor]]''=== ==Books== ===''[[w:Legacy of the Force|Legacy of the Force]]''=== *'''Jacen...''' ** Who: Nelani Dinn ** Note: Killed by Jedi Knight Jacen Solo to prevent her from revealing Lumiya's return to Luke and Mara Skywalker, as Solo believed it would erupt in Skywalker's death. *'''I'll bet.''' ** Who: Ailyn Vel ** Note: Spoken to Jacen Solo, while being tortured during an interrogation. Her subsequent death becomes one of Solo's first steps toward the dark side, and earns him the wrath of Vel's father Boba Fett. *'''I tipped them off about her. Too busy following her to worry about the others. They're coming, Han, and you don't know how many. You'll never be able to sleep soundly again.''' ** Who: Thrackan Sal-Solo ** Note: Spoken to his cousin [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]], after he allies with Boba Fett and his granddaughter Mirta Gev to assassinate Sal-Solo. Killed by Mirta Gev after he revealed that he used Ailyn Vel (Gev's mother) to throw the scent off his people. *'''If we do, I'd like your security services to look the other way. Solo has ambitious minions who'd be temporarily blind and deaf in exchange for promotion, I think.''' ** Who: Dur Gejjen ** Note: Assassinated by Ben Skywalker, after meeting with Cal Omas to discuss the fates of Colonel Jacen Solo and Admiral Cha Niathal. *'''You think...you've won. But Luke will crush you...and I refuse...to let you...destroy the future...for my Ben...''' **Who: [[w:Mara Jade Skywalker|Mara Jade Skywalker]] ** Note: These words are spoken to her nephew [[w:Jacen Solo|Jacen Solo]], now a Sith apprentice, when he makes her his Sith sacrifice. Later, her body is found by her son [[w:Ben Skywalker|Ben Skywalker]], on the planet of Kavan. She later appears as a Force ghost. *'''Oaths matter, Luke. They're all you're left with in the end.''' **Who: Lumiya **Note: Spoken to Luke Skywalker, who believes her to be responsible for the death of his wife, Mara. Luke eventually disarms and decapitates her. * '''Go Ben, and forgive me...''' **Who: [[w:Cal Omas|Cal Omas]] **Note: Spoken after Omas sacrifices his own life to give Ben Skywalker a better chance of getting close enough to Darth Caedus to kill him. *'''Sir...can't...loyal...''' **Who: Lieutenant Patra Tebut **Note: Character, an officer on the flagship of Jacen Solo/Darth Caedus, says this to him as he starts choking her with the Force after she accidentally let a Jedi strike team on board, costing Caedus his daughter, Allana. However, her protests only make Caedus lose his temper, and in his rage, chokes her harder until her neck breaks, killing her. *'''Go...rot somewhere else...villip.''' **Who: GIlad Pellaeon **Note: Character was the Imperial Remnant's leader throughout much of the Expanded Universe/Legends continuity. While trying to rally the Remnant to his cause, Darth Caedus sent Tahiri Veila, his Sith apprentice, to negotiate with Pellaeon. When Pellaeon refuses to support Caedus, Tahiri shoots him in the chest, and he tells her off with the above line as he lies dying. *'''You're not as clever as you think, ''Jacen''. I'd rather die than fall for your ploy.''' **Who: Prince Isolder **Note: Killed by Darth Caedus, in order to prevent an Imperial nanovirus from being unleashed upon the prince's daughter and granddaughter, the latter of whom was Caedus's daughter. Only after killing him does Caedus discover the nanovirus has already been made from Isolder's blood. *'''Jaina, we don't have time for this.''' **Who: Jacen Solo/Darth Caedus **Note: Spoken to his sister, Jaina Solo, during their final duel. Caedus was trying to warn his one-time love interest Tenel Ka Djo that their daughter Allana was in danger from an Imperial nanovirus, but Jaina did not believe him. After being injured beyond fighting capacity, he drops his guard to warn Tenel Ka via the Force and as he does so, Jaina kills him, realizing too late that he was telling the truth. She later believes he became Jacen again at the last second, and there was still good in him after all. ===''The Rise of Skywalker: Expanded Edition''=== *'''I will always be with you.''' [Rey: No one's ever really gone.] **Who: Ben Solo **Note: Spoken by Ben Solo, after he used all his life-force to bring the woman he loves back to life and vanished into the Force. While Rey cries standing over the place Ben had fallen, she hears his voice through the Force and is comforted by it. ==Other sources== *'''I am your biggest failure. Live with that. And live with this.''' **Who: [[w:Xanatos|Xanatos]] to [[Qui-Gon Jinn]], his former mentor, in ''Star Wars: Jedi Apprentice'', immediately before killing himself. Xanatos turned from the side of the Jedi and became a ruthless villain (though not a Sith) for the first eight novels of the series after a failed test of both his and Qui-Gon's spirit, Qui-Gon passed the test, where Xanatos failed. *'''Don't worry so much.''' **Who: [[Siri Tachi]] ** Source: ''Star Wars - Secrets of the Jedi'' ** Notes: Siri Tachi was mortally wounded by blasterfire while ending a high-speed starfighter chase through a series of canyons by jumping from her moving starfighter onto a bounty hunter's, using her lightsaber to cut her way inside the cockpit to subdue the bounty hunter, saving [[Obi-Wan Kenobi]], [[Padme Amidala]] and Talysan Fry by doing so. She then died in Obi-Wan's arms. *'''But... it was so artistically done.''' ** Who: [[w:Grand Admiral Thrawn|Thrawn]], the last [[w:List of Galactic Empire ranks#Grand Admiral|Grand Admiral]] of the Empire ** Notes: The character is assassinated by his own bodyguard during the climatic Battle of Bilbringi, in the end of Timothy Zahn's novel ''[[w:The Last Command (novel)|The Last Command]]''. *[Laughing diabolically] '''Jedi fools...You...have already lost!...''[Gasps] ** Who: Kul Teska ** Source: Star Wars - The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes ** Notes: Teska is defeated in battle by combined efforts of Anakin Skywalker and his padawan Ahsoka Tano while the Skakoan's plan to destroy Naboo Sun is foiled by Padmé (who Anakin asked to sabotage the weapon), Teska then says these words before being incinerated by the power of his weapon. *'''No! You will not lead the Jedi Order into treason! I forbid it!''' ** Who: Kenth Hamner ** Source: ''Fate of the Jedi: Vortex'' ** Notes: Hamner was the interim Grand Master of the Jedi Order during Luke Skywalker's exile. He was killed while trying to oppose the militant faction of the Order led by Jedi Master Saba Sebatyne. *'''If I'm clear on one point, it's this: I want no part of whatever new order is in the making. I will die here with Onimi, for we have been two of a kind from the start.''' ** Who: Nom Anor ** Source: ''The Unifying Force'' ** Notes: Nom Anor chose to die upon the realization that the Yuuzhan Vong had lost the war. *'''That is correct, sir.''' ** Who: Kani Asari ** Source: ''Fate of the Jedi: Vortex'' ** Notes: Asari tried to negotiate with Mandalorian Protector Belok Rhal. Uninterested in negotiations, Rhal shot her in cold blood. *'''You were told wrongly. The role of the Jedi is to lead and guide, and to destroy all threats.''' ** Who: Jorus C'Baoth ** Source: ''Outbound Flight'' ** Notes: C'Baoth was killed by Chiss officer Thrawn during the destruction of Outbound Flight. *'''If you'll let me.''' **Who: Vergere **Source: ''Destiny's Way'' **Notes: Spoken to Yuuzhan Vong Warmaster Tsavong Lah, right before sacrificing her life to save Jedi Knight Jacen Solo. *'''Kiss Tahiri for me.''' **Who: Anakin Solo **Source: ''Star by Star'' **Notes: Sacrifices his life to guarantee the success of his mission. *'''None shall pass.''' **Who: Ganner Rhysode **Source: ''Traitor'' **Notes: Sacrifices his life to ensure Jacen Solo's escape from Yuuzhan Vong captivity. *'''A salute to the ''Jeedai''! A salute of blood!''' **Who: Vua Rapuung **Source:''Edge of Victory: Conquest'' **Notes: Sacrifices his life to ensure the escape of Jedi apprentices Anakin Solo and Tahiri Veila, turning against his own people. This will inspire a pro-Jedi conspiracy among the Yuuzhan Vong. *'''How is this so? you ask yourself. How did it come to this? Because your military created a poison that was to kill my people, and instead I have sent it back to kill the very world you persuaded to join you to fight against us. Is there not in that the hand of a new god, Jeedai Yun-Shuno? Where is your precious Force now -- the lingering exhalations of Yun-Yuuzhan -- that this has been allowed to happen?''' **Who: Onimi **Source: ''The Unifying Force'' **Notes: Onimi was the ''de facto'' leader of the Yuuzhan Vong. Upon the death of his puppet Shimrra Jamaane, Onimi is confronted by Jacen Solo, and the two engage in a battle of the Force. *'''One thrust and the deed is done!''' **Who: Shimrra Jamaane **Source: ''The Unifying Force'' **Notes: Jamaane was the ''de jure'' leader of the Yuuzhan Vong. In the climatic battle of the series, he engages in a duel with Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, reminiscent of Skywalker's father's duel with Darth Tyranus nearly fifty years before, in which Jamaane is decapitated. Upon Jamaane's death, Onimi reveals his true nature. *'''Pour it on, devils! I've got you right where I-''' **Who: Venk **Source: Marvel Comics' ''Star Wars: Princess Leia- Part V'' **Note: A male captain in the Empire who was sent to hunt down survivors from the destruction of Alderaan. On an enclave to Espirion (where the survivors made base), his Star Destroyer confronted Leia, Luke and the other Rebels, including Evaan (an Alderaanian who served as a pilot for the Alliance) before it was destroyed. [[Category:Fictional last words|Star Wars]] [[Category:Star Wars]] 3hjteqryqv5b0n9lhshzad677tmmlsh 0 86257 3155770 3154671 2022-08-18T06:02:33Z 122.61.148.251 /* Shifu */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po== *No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!? ==Shifu== *I've been taking easy on you, panda, but no more! Your next opponent... will be me. ''[Po: Oh yeah. Great. Let's go!]'' *Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons. Double everything! Tai-Lung does not leave that prison! ''[Zeng: Yes, master Shifu]'' ==Tai-Lung== *I have come home master. ==Others== :'''Guard Rhino''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[Zeng: What's happening?!]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0; Level 0. :'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa. the Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :''[Po hesitates, seeing the Five watching him.]'' :'''Po''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, okay. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey; Monster raises his eyebrows]'' Or snickety-snake-alike–? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' All right. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Try again. A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's tha–? ''[but the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Five start forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard–! ''[...then in the scrotum]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers crotch]'' My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious Five who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mantis:''' There's no words. :'''Crane:''' No denying that. :'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' Kung Fu. :'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking anyone, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just– Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just– ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have--I just--my whole life, I've dreamed of-- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. :''[He leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]'' Oy. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh– :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response.]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' ''Big fan.'' :''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]'' :'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pause]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, which the peach fell into Po's hand and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Po tries to take a vow of silence, when he realises he can't keep it up then...]'' :'''Po''': They're right! I can't do this...I'm a blabber-mouth, a chatter-box, a yack-idy, whack-idy, a fluger-meister! :'''Mantis''': A fluger-what? :'''Po''': I don't know! See?! I talk so much I have to make up new words! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Shifu is trying to meditate]'' :'''Shifu''': Inner peace. Inner peace...Inner...In...In...In...In...Inner peace... ''[one of his ears turn to the side, hearing a flapping noises; shouts over his shoulder]'' Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?! ''[resumes mediating, but one of his ear twich]'' Inner... ''[Zeng quacks, Shifu groans and turn around. He smiles a little]'' Oh, Zeng! Excellent. I could use some good news right now. :'''Zeng''': ''[Pauses nervously]'' Uhhh... :''[Cut to Shifu, who ran up to Oogway near the peach tree.]'' :'''Shifu''': Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': I...I...have...it's...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. (So what did you want to tell me?) :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way! :''[Long pause]'' :'''Oogway''': That is bad news...if you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You said that already...twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': ... Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head. Oogway chuckles]'' And I can control... ''tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' ...Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! :''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he woulda been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new.]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :''[The Five realize Po's been shot down yet again, but he ignores that.]'' :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet, heh heh. I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior...unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh...Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': ''[shakes his head]'' Oogway cannot! ''[face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff.]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his!'' ''[points to where Po was once at]'' Where'd he go? ''[scene cuts to outside with Po running down the stairs, screaming, and Shifu stops Po from leaving]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was, but now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, and yet you stayed! :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because though every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless from shock]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' I don't know! ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :'''Tigress''': ''[watches Po and Shifu sadly walk away and jumps]'' This what you trained me for. ''[Keeps going. The rest of the Furious Five follow her]'' :'''Viper''': ''[now caught up with Tigress]'' Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try to stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you. :'''Tigress''': What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you. :''[Monkey gives a thumb up and the Furious Five jump into the moon, The next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po karate. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]'' :'''Po''': ''[Sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look arounds the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]'' :'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don’t tell Monkey. :'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don’t know. I just- I don’t know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; Po falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient. :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodles? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special...you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu awaits for Tai Lung to appear. And as the lightning flashes, Tai Lung is standing in front of Shifu at the top of the stairs]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I've come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is your no longer home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Ah, you have a new favorite. And where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung engaged a violent fight. Then they entered the Jade Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': Obeying your master isn't weakness! :'''Tai Lung''': You ''knew'' I was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation; Tai Lung proudly believes he will receive the dragon scroll]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise, ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' what did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''''What did you do?!''''' ''[Tai Lung cannot believe what he is hearing and seeing. Then the scene returns to present; Tai Lung is furious]'' '''''NOTHING!''''' :'''Shifu''': '''''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[going into a rage] '''NOT YOUR FAULT?!''' [angrily knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' WHO FILLED MY HEAD WITH DREAMS?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu]'' '''''WHO DROVE ME TO TRAIN UNTIL MY BONES CRACKED?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them with ease, but barely countering the last one]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[successfully driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make! :''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He finally realizes that Oogway is gone and picks up the deceased master's staff]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[angered, Shifu charges Tai Lung, hitting him before Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to catch Shifu by the neck and pin him to the ground.]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :''[Tai Lung growls, then tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks in half and clutters away. They fight some more, even breaking through the roof and went back down, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how '''''PROUD''''' you are, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''''' ''[his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames with his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm s...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat, holding him up in the air]'' I don't want your apology; I want my scroll! ''[sees the Dragon Scroll is gone; shocked]'' What?! ''[angrily]'' '''''WHERE IS IT?!''''' ''[slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws out his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never. ''[Tai Lung snarls, about to lay down the death blow on his former master]'' :'''Po''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''HEY!''''' ''[Tai Lung stops and turns around. He sees Po standing with the dawn behind him at the entrance, currently panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to the Shifu as he tosses him to the floor]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. ''[sarcastically]'' What are you going to do, big guy, sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come get it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tai Lung is severely battered after being belly-bumped by Po in the sky, and falls out of the sky while screaming, and crashing through the ground like in a classic cartoon]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. You...''you're just a big...fat...'''panda!''''' :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda, I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold?! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[last words before his defeat]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. ''[Tai Lung smiles weakly]'' I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger, with Tai Lung's eyes widening in an "uh-oh" stare]'' Skadoosh. ''[Unleashes a rippling wave of light that vanquishes Tai Lung]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines. After defeating Tai Lung, Po rushes to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious.]'' :'''Po''': Master, Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die, I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods] '''Wow.''' It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[slowly lays his head down, as if dead]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! '''''No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[suddenly opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[humorously calms down]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior: ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[joins Shifu for a nap, and after a long nap, he ask something to his master]'' You want to get something to eat? :''[Shifu wakes up and sighs in annoyance]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah. == Kung Fu Panda Holiday == :'''Po''': ''[opening lines; in dream sequence]'' Steel yourself against my steel, villain. ''[uses sword to chop an onion in half]'' Your reign of tears is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[rejecting Po's offer to cook the Winter Feast at the Jade Palace]'' What about our friends? What about those lonely people who have no place else to go? We give them a place to call home. There's always room for one more at Mister Ping's. :'''Po''': Look, Dad, I appreciate that you care about the lonely people... :'''Mr. Ping''': And lonely people pay extra. :'''Po''': But ''I'' need you. I just fired the best chefs in all of China. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[offended]'' Oh, 'the best chefs in all of China', huh? You think your fancy palace ladle is better than mine? ''[picks up ladle, which breaks in half]'' This is not my A-ladle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mr. Ping refuses to cater at the Jade Palace, Po finds Wo Hop the bunny in the kitchen]'' :'''Po''': Bunny! Finally, a real chef! Listen, I know we got off to kind of a rocky start, what with me shaming you and your village for all eternity, but if you could start dicing those carrots, it would really... :'''Wo Hop''': ''[interrupts]'' I'm not here to dice carrots. I'm here to fight you. :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Wo Hop''': The only way to restore honor to me and my village is to fight the Dragon Warrior. Surely I will perish, but that is the fate I must accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This is a disaster. I'm going to disappoint everyone. My dad, the Furious Five, Shifu... :'''Wo Hop''': And me. ''[Po glares at him]'' I'm not dead yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This may be our greatest challenge yet. :'''Monkey''': Bandits? :'''Viper''': Raiders? :'''Po''': No. Place settings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect. You made me proud. All 29 kung fu schools and their masters. Excellent. Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Ping is struggling with a heavy pot of soup]'' :'''Po''': ''[appears behind him]'' I got that, Dad. :'''Mr. Ping''': Po? Oh, you came! Oh, Po, I'm... I'm sorry I made you feel so guilty. :'''Po''': Ah, don't be. That's what the holidays are all about. Now, don't we have some cooking to do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[notices Shifu outside the restaurant]'' There's always room for one more at Mr. Ping's. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I really don't want to disturb anyone. You go and enjoy your party. :'''Po''': I couldn't enjoy it without you. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I couldn't. These are your people. This is your family. :'''Po''': You're my family too, Shifu. Now c'mon. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs and smiles]'' That soup does smell delicious. ''[Po prepares to escort Shifu inside but Shifu suddenly stops him]'' Po, wait. What goes on in your head, I really don't always understand. But what goes on in your heart never let us down. :'''Po''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, Shifu. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] — Po * [[Dustin Hoffman]] — Master Shifu * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Tai Lung * [[Angelina Jolie]] — Master Tigress * [[Jackie Chan]] - Master Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Master Viper * [[David Cross]] - Master Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Master Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Master Oogway * [[w:Dan Fogler|Dan Fogler]] - Zeng * [[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Commander Vachir ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} [[Category:2008 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:John Stevenson films]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Films set in China]] gylh2k1i1bitfnnutlv8n34bljwb2e7 3155771 3155770 2022-08-18T06:03:31Z 122.61.148.251 /* Shifu */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po== *No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!? ==Shifu== *I've been taking easy on you, panda, but no more! Your next opponent... will be me. ''[Po: Oh yeah. Great. Let's go!]'' *Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons. Double everything! Tai-Lung does not leave that prison! ''[Zeng: Yes, Master Shifu]'' ==Tai-Lung== *I have come home master. ==Others== :'''Guard Rhino''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[Zeng: What's happening?!]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0; Level 0. :'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa. the Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :''[Po hesitates, seeing the Five watching him.]'' :'''Po''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, okay. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey; Monster raises his eyebrows]'' Or snickety-snake-alike–? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' All right. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Try again. A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's tha–? ''[but the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Five start forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard–! ''[...then in the scrotum]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers crotch]'' My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious Five who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mantis:''' There's no words. :'''Crane:''' No denying that. :'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' Kung Fu. :'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking anyone, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just– Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just– ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have--I just--my whole life, I've dreamed of-- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. :''[He leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]'' Oy. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh– :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response.]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' ''Big fan.'' :''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]'' :'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pause]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, which the peach fell into Po's hand and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Po tries to take a vow of silence, when he realises he can't keep it up then...]'' :'''Po''': They're right! I can't do this...I'm a blabber-mouth, a chatter-box, a yack-idy, whack-idy, a fluger-meister! :'''Mantis''': A fluger-what? :'''Po''': I don't know! See?! I talk so much I have to make up new words! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Shifu is trying to meditate]'' :'''Shifu''': Inner peace. Inner peace...Inner...In...In...In...In...Inner peace... ''[one of his ears turn to the side, hearing a flapping noises; shouts over his shoulder]'' Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?! ''[resumes mediating, but one of his ear twich]'' Inner... ''[Zeng quacks, Shifu groans and turn around. He smiles a little]'' Oh, Zeng! Excellent. I could use some good news right now. :'''Zeng''': ''[Pauses nervously]'' Uhhh... :''[Cut to Shifu, who ran up to Oogway near the peach tree.]'' :'''Shifu''': Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': I...I...have...it's...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. (So what did you want to tell me?) :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way! :''[Long pause]'' :'''Oogway''': That is bad news...if you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You said that already...twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': ... Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head. Oogway chuckles]'' And I can control... ''tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' ...Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! :''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he woulda been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new.]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :''[The Five realize Po's been shot down yet again, but he ignores that.]'' :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet, heh heh. I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior...unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh...Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': ''[shakes his head]'' Oogway cannot! ''[face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff.]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his!'' ''[points to where Po was once at]'' Where'd he go? ''[scene cuts to outside with Po running down the stairs, screaming, and Shifu stops Po from leaving]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was, but now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, and yet you stayed! :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because though every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless from shock]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' I don't know! ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :'''Tigress''': ''[watches Po and Shifu sadly walk away and jumps]'' This what you trained me for. ''[Keeps going. The rest of the Furious Five follow her]'' :'''Viper''': ''[now caught up with Tigress]'' Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try to stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you. :'''Tigress''': What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you. :''[Monkey gives a thumb up and the Furious Five jump into the moon, The next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po karate. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]'' :'''Po''': ''[Sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look arounds the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]'' :'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don’t tell Monkey. :'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don’t know. I just- I don’t know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; Po falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient. :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodles? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special...you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu awaits for Tai Lung to appear. And as the lightning flashes, Tai Lung is standing in front of Shifu at the top of the stairs]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I've come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is your no longer home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Ah, you have a new favorite. And where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung engaged a violent fight. Then they entered the Jade Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': Obeying your master isn't weakness! :'''Tai Lung''': You ''knew'' I was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation; Tai Lung proudly believes he will receive the dragon scroll]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise, ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' what did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''''What did you do?!''''' ''[Tai Lung cannot believe what he is hearing and seeing. Then the scene returns to present; Tai Lung is furious]'' '''''NOTHING!''''' :'''Shifu''': '''''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[going into a rage] '''NOT YOUR FAULT?!''' [angrily knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' WHO FILLED MY HEAD WITH DREAMS?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu]'' '''''WHO DROVE ME TO TRAIN UNTIL MY BONES CRACKED?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them with ease, but barely countering the last one]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[successfully driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make! :''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He finally realizes that Oogway is gone and picks up the deceased master's staff]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[angered, Shifu charges Tai Lung, hitting him before Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to catch Shifu by the neck and pin him to the ground.]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :''[Tai Lung growls, then tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks in half and clutters away. They fight some more, even breaking through the roof and went back down, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how '''''PROUD''''' you are, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''''' ''[his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames with his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm s...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat, holding him up in the air]'' I don't want your apology; I want my scroll! ''[sees the Dragon Scroll is gone; shocked]'' What?! ''[angrily]'' '''''WHERE IS IT?!''''' ''[slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws out his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never. ''[Tai Lung snarls, about to lay down the death blow on his former master]'' :'''Po''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''HEY!''''' ''[Tai Lung stops and turns around. He sees Po standing with the dawn behind him at the entrance, currently panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to the Shifu as he tosses him to the floor]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. ''[sarcastically]'' What are you going to do, big guy, sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come get it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tai Lung is severely battered after being belly-bumped by Po in the sky, and falls out of the sky while screaming, and crashing through the ground like in a classic cartoon]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. You...''you're just a big...fat...'''panda!''''' :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda, I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold?! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[last words before his defeat]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. ''[Tai Lung smiles weakly]'' I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger, with Tai Lung's eyes widening in an "uh-oh" stare]'' Skadoosh. ''[Unleashes a rippling wave of light that vanquishes Tai Lung]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines. After defeating Tai Lung, Po rushes to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious.]'' :'''Po''': Master, Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die, I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods] '''Wow.''' It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[slowly lays his head down, as if dead]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! '''''No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[suddenly opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[humorously calms down]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior: ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[joins Shifu for a nap, and after a long nap, he ask something to his master]'' You want to get something to eat? :''[Shifu wakes up and sighs in annoyance]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah. == Kung Fu Panda Holiday == :'''Po''': ''[opening lines; in dream sequence]'' Steel yourself against my steel, villain. ''[uses sword to chop an onion in half]'' Your reign of tears is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[rejecting Po's offer to cook the Winter Feast at the Jade Palace]'' What about our friends? What about those lonely people who have no place else to go? We give them a place to call home. There's always room for one more at Mister Ping's. :'''Po''': Look, Dad, I appreciate that you care about the lonely people... :'''Mr. Ping''': And lonely people pay extra. :'''Po''': But ''I'' need you. I just fired the best chefs in all of China. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[offended]'' Oh, 'the best chefs in all of China', huh? You think your fancy palace ladle is better than mine? ''[picks up ladle, which breaks in half]'' This is not my A-ladle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mr. Ping refuses to cater at the Jade Palace, Po finds Wo Hop the bunny in the kitchen]'' :'''Po''': Bunny! Finally, a real chef! Listen, I know we got off to kind of a rocky start, what with me shaming you and your village for all eternity, but if you could start dicing those carrots, it would really... :'''Wo Hop''': ''[interrupts]'' I'm not here to dice carrots. I'm here to fight you. :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Wo Hop''': The only way to restore honor to me and my village is to fight the Dragon Warrior. Surely I will perish, but that is the fate I must accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This is a disaster. I'm going to disappoint everyone. My dad, the Furious Five, Shifu... :'''Wo Hop''': And me. ''[Po glares at him]'' I'm not dead yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This may be our greatest challenge yet. :'''Monkey''': Bandits? :'''Viper''': Raiders? :'''Po''': No. Place settings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect. You made me proud. All 29 kung fu schools and their masters. Excellent. Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Ping is struggling with a heavy pot of soup]'' :'''Po''': ''[appears behind him]'' I got that, Dad. :'''Mr. Ping''': Po? Oh, you came! Oh, Po, I'm... I'm sorry I made you feel so guilty. :'''Po''': Ah, don't be. That's what the holidays are all about. Now, don't we have some cooking to do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[notices Shifu outside the restaurant]'' There's always room for one more at Mr. Ping's. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I really don't want to disturb anyone. You go and enjoy your party. :'''Po''': I couldn't enjoy it without you. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I couldn't. These are your people. This is your family. :'''Po''': You're my family too, Shifu. Now c'mon. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs and smiles]'' That soup does smell delicious. ''[Po prepares to escort Shifu inside but Shifu suddenly stops him]'' Po, wait. What goes on in your head, I really don't always understand. But what goes on in your heart never let us down. :'''Po''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, Shifu. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] — Po * [[Dustin Hoffman]] — Master Shifu * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Tai Lung * [[Angelina Jolie]] — Master Tigress * [[Jackie Chan]] - Master Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Master Viper * [[David Cross]] - Master Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Master Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Master Oogway * [[w:Dan Fogler|Dan Fogler]] - Zeng * [[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Commander Vachir ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} [[Category:2008 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:John Stevenson films]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Films set in China]] cgxr186b0k2idt0sxopu9x9oxpt4p17 3155772 3155771 2022-08-18T06:03:55Z 122.61.148.251 /* Shifu */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po== *No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!? ==Shifu== *I've been taking easy on you, panda, but no more! Your next opponent... will be me. ''[Po: Oh yeah. Great. Let's go!]'' *Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons. Double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison! ''[Zeng: Yes, Master Shifu]'' ==Tai-Lung== *I have come home master. ==Others== :'''Guard Rhino''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[Zeng: What's happening?!]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0; Level 0. :'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa. the Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :''[Po hesitates, seeing the Five watching him.]'' :'''Po''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, okay. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey; Monster raises his eyebrows]'' Or snickety-snake-alike–? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' All right. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Try again. A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's tha–? ''[but the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Five start forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard–! ''[...then in the scrotum]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers crotch]'' My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious Five who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mantis:''' There's no words. :'''Crane:''' No denying that. :'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' Kung Fu. :'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking anyone, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just– Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just– ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have--I just--my whole life, I've dreamed of-- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. :''[He leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]'' Oy. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh– :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response.]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' ''Big fan.'' :''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]'' :'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pause]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, which the peach fell into Po's hand and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Po tries to take a vow of silence, when he realises he can't keep it up then...]'' :'''Po''': They're right! I can't do this...I'm a blabber-mouth, a chatter-box, a yack-idy, whack-idy, a fluger-meister! :'''Mantis''': A fluger-what? :'''Po''': I don't know! See?! I talk so much I have to make up new words! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Shifu is trying to meditate]'' :'''Shifu''': Inner peace. Inner peace...Inner...In...In...In...In...Inner peace... ''[one of his ears turn to the side, hearing a flapping noises; shouts over his shoulder]'' Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?! ''[resumes mediating, but one of his ear twich]'' Inner... ''[Zeng quacks, Shifu groans and turn around. He smiles a little]'' Oh, Zeng! Excellent. I could use some good news right now. :'''Zeng''': ''[Pauses nervously]'' Uhhh... :''[Cut to Shifu, who ran up to Oogway near the peach tree.]'' :'''Shifu''': Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': I...I...have...it's...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. (So what did you want to tell me?) :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way! :''[Long pause]'' :'''Oogway''': That is bad news...if you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You said that already...twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': ... Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head. Oogway chuckles]'' And I can control... ''tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' ...Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! :''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he woulda been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new.]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :''[The Five realize Po's been shot down yet again, but he ignores that.]'' :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet, heh heh. I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior...unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh...Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': ''[shakes his head]'' Oogway cannot! ''[face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff.]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his!'' ''[points to where Po was once at]'' Where'd he go? ''[scene cuts to outside with Po running down the stairs, screaming, and Shifu stops Po from leaving]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was, but now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, and yet you stayed! :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because though every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless from shock]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' I don't know! ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :'''Tigress''': ''[watches Po and Shifu sadly walk away and jumps]'' This what you trained me for. ''[Keeps going. The rest of the Furious Five follow her]'' :'''Viper''': ''[now caught up with Tigress]'' Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try to stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you. :'''Tigress''': What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you. :''[Monkey gives a thumb up and the Furious Five jump into the moon, The next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po karate. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]'' :'''Po''': ''[Sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look arounds the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]'' :'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don’t tell Monkey. :'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don’t know. I just- I don’t know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; Po falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient. :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodles? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special...you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu awaits for Tai Lung to appear. And as the lightning flashes, Tai Lung is standing in front of Shifu at the top of the stairs]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I've come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is your no longer home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Ah, you have a new favorite. And where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung engaged a violent fight. Then they entered the Jade Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': Obeying your master isn't weakness! :'''Tai Lung''': You ''knew'' I was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation; Tai Lung proudly believes he will receive the dragon scroll]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise, ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' what did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''''What did you do?!''''' ''[Tai Lung cannot believe what he is hearing and seeing. Then the scene returns to present; Tai Lung is furious]'' '''''NOTHING!''''' :'''Shifu''': '''''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[going into a rage] '''NOT YOUR FAULT?!''' [angrily knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' WHO FILLED MY HEAD WITH DREAMS?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu]'' '''''WHO DROVE ME TO TRAIN UNTIL MY BONES CRACKED?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them with ease, but barely countering the last one]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[successfully driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make! :''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He finally realizes that Oogway is gone and picks up the deceased master's staff]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[angered, Shifu charges Tai Lung, hitting him before Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to catch Shifu by the neck and pin him to the ground.]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :''[Tai Lung growls, then tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks in half and clutters away. They fight some more, even breaking through the roof and went back down, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how '''''PROUD''''' you are, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''''' ''[his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames with his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm s...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat, holding him up in the air]'' I don't want your apology; I want my scroll! ''[sees the Dragon Scroll is gone; shocked]'' What?! ''[angrily]'' '''''WHERE IS IT?!''''' ''[slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws out his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never. ''[Tai Lung snarls, about to lay down the death blow on his former master]'' :'''Po''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''HEY!''''' ''[Tai Lung stops and turns around. He sees Po standing with the dawn behind him at the entrance, currently panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to the Shifu as he tosses him to the floor]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. ''[sarcastically]'' What are you going to do, big guy, sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come get it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tai Lung is severely battered after being belly-bumped by Po in the sky, and falls out of the sky while screaming, and crashing through the ground like in a classic cartoon]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. You...''you're just a big...fat...'''panda!''''' :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda, I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold?! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[last words before his defeat]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. ''[Tai Lung smiles weakly]'' I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger, with Tai Lung's eyes widening in an "uh-oh" stare]'' Skadoosh. ''[Unleashes a rippling wave of light that vanquishes Tai Lung]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines. After defeating Tai Lung, Po rushes to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious.]'' :'''Po''': Master, Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die, I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods] '''Wow.''' It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[slowly lays his head down, as if dead]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! '''''No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[suddenly opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[humorously calms down]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior: ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[joins Shifu for a nap, and after a long nap, he ask something to his master]'' You want to get something to eat? :''[Shifu wakes up and sighs in annoyance]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah. == Kung Fu Panda Holiday == :'''Po''': ''[opening lines; in dream sequence]'' Steel yourself against my steel, villain. ''[uses sword to chop an onion in half]'' Your reign of tears is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[rejecting Po's offer to cook the Winter Feast at the Jade Palace]'' What about our friends? What about those lonely people who have no place else to go? We give them a place to call home. There's always room for one more at Mister Ping's. :'''Po''': Look, Dad, I appreciate that you care about the lonely people... :'''Mr. Ping''': And lonely people pay extra. :'''Po''': But ''I'' need you. I just fired the best chefs in all of China. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[offended]'' Oh, 'the best chefs in all of China', huh? You think your fancy palace ladle is better than mine? ''[picks up ladle, which breaks in half]'' This is not my A-ladle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mr. Ping refuses to cater at the Jade Palace, Po finds Wo Hop the bunny in the kitchen]'' :'''Po''': Bunny! Finally, a real chef! Listen, I know we got off to kind of a rocky start, what with me shaming you and your village for all eternity, but if you could start dicing those carrots, it would really... :'''Wo Hop''': ''[interrupts]'' I'm not here to dice carrots. I'm here to fight you. :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Wo Hop''': The only way to restore honor to me and my village is to fight the Dragon Warrior. Surely I will perish, but that is the fate I must accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This is a disaster. I'm going to disappoint everyone. My dad, the Furious Five, Shifu... :'''Wo Hop''': And me. ''[Po glares at him]'' I'm not dead yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This may be our greatest challenge yet. :'''Monkey''': Bandits? :'''Viper''': Raiders? :'''Po''': No. Place settings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect. You made me proud. All 29 kung fu schools and their masters. Excellent. Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Ping is struggling with a heavy pot of soup]'' :'''Po''': ''[appears behind him]'' I got that, Dad. :'''Mr. Ping''': Po? Oh, you came! Oh, Po, I'm... I'm sorry I made you feel so guilty. :'''Po''': Ah, don't be. That's what the holidays are all about. Now, don't we have some cooking to do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[notices Shifu outside the restaurant]'' There's always room for one more at Mr. Ping's. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I really don't want to disturb anyone. You go and enjoy your party. :'''Po''': I couldn't enjoy it without you. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I couldn't. These are your people. This is your family. :'''Po''': You're my family too, Shifu. Now c'mon. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs and smiles]'' That soup does smell delicious. ''[Po prepares to escort Shifu inside but Shifu suddenly stops him]'' Po, wait. What goes on in your head, I really don't always understand. But what goes on in your heart never let us down. :'''Po''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, Shifu. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] — Po * [[Dustin Hoffman]] — Master Shifu * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Tai Lung * [[Angelina Jolie]] — Master Tigress * [[Jackie Chan]] - Master Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Master Viper * [[David Cross]] - Master Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Master Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Master Oogway * [[w:Dan Fogler|Dan Fogler]] - Zeng * [[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Commander Vachir ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} [[Category:2008 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:John Stevenson films]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Films set in China]] qedxn295g48iycyv3biifml6kz35vwy 3155774 3155772 2022-08-18T06:06:20Z 122.61.148.251 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po== *No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!? ==Shifu== *I've been taking easy on you, panda, but no more! Your next opponent... will be me. ''[Po: Oh yeah. Great. Let's go!]'' *Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons. Double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison! ''[Zeng: Yes, Master Shifu]'' ==Tai-Lung== *I have come home master. ==Others== :'''Guard Rhino''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[Zeng: What's happening?!]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0. :'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa. the Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :''[Po hesitates, seeing the Five watching him.]'' :'''Po''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, okay. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey; Monster raises his eyebrows]'' Or snickety-snake-alike–? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' All right. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Try again. A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's tha–? ''[but the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Five start forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard–! ''[...then in the scrotum]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers crotch]'' My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious Five who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mantis:''' There's no words. :'''Crane:''' No denying that. :'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' Kung Fu. :'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking anyone, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just– Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just– ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have--I just--my whole life, I've dreamed of-- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. :''[He leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]'' Oy. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh– :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response.]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' ''Big fan.'' :''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]'' :'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pause]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, which the peach fell into Po's hand and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Po tries to take a vow of silence, when he realises he can't keep it up then...]'' :'''Po''': They're right! I can't do this...I'm a blabber-mouth, a chatter-box, a yack-idy, whack-idy, a fluger-meister! :'''Mantis''': A fluger-what? :'''Po''': I don't know! See?! I talk so much I have to make up new words! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Shifu is trying to meditate]'' :'''Shifu''': Inner peace. Inner peace...Inner...In...In...In...In...Inner peace... ''[one of his ears turn to the side, hearing a flapping noises; shouts over his shoulder]'' Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?! ''[resumes mediating, but one of his ear twich]'' Inner... ''[Zeng quacks, Shifu groans and turn around. He smiles a little]'' Oh, Zeng! Excellent. I could use some good news right now. :'''Zeng''': ''[Pauses nervously]'' Uhhh... :''[Cut to Shifu, who ran up to Oogway near the peach tree.]'' :'''Shifu''': Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': I...I...have...it's...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. (So what did you want to tell me?) :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way! :''[Long pause]'' :'''Oogway''': That is bad news...if you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You said that already...twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': ... Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head. Oogway chuckles]'' And I can control... ''tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' ...Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! :''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he woulda been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new.]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :''[The Five realize Po's been shot down yet again, but he ignores that.]'' :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet, heh heh. I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior...unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh...Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': ''[shakes his head]'' Oogway cannot! ''[face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff.]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his!'' ''[points to where Po was once at]'' Where'd he go? ''[scene cuts to outside with Po running down the stairs, screaming, and Shifu stops Po from leaving]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was, but now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, and yet you stayed! :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because though every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless from shock]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' I don't know! ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :'''Tigress''': ''[watches Po and Shifu sadly walk away and jumps]'' This what you trained me for. ''[Keeps going. The rest of the Furious Five follow her]'' :'''Viper''': ''[now caught up with Tigress]'' Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try to stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you. :'''Tigress''': What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you. :''[Monkey gives a thumb up and the Furious Five jump into the moon, The next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po karate. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]'' :'''Po''': ''[Sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look arounds the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]'' :'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don’t tell Monkey. :'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don’t know. I just- I don’t know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; Po falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient. :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodles? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special...you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu awaits for Tai Lung to appear. And as the lightning flashes, Tai Lung is standing in front of Shifu at the top of the stairs]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I've come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is your no longer home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Ah, you have a new favorite. And where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung engaged a violent fight. Then they entered the Jade Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': Obeying your master isn't weakness! :'''Tai Lung''': You ''knew'' I was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation; Tai Lung proudly believes he will receive the dragon scroll]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise, ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' what did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''''What did you do?!''''' ''[Tai Lung cannot believe what he is hearing and seeing. Then the scene returns to present; Tai Lung is furious]'' '''''NOTHING!''''' :'''Shifu''': '''''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[going into a rage] '''NOT YOUR FAULT?!''' [angrily knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' WHO FILLED MY HEAD WITH DREAMS?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu]'' '''''WHO DROVE ME TO TRAIN UNTIL MY BONES CRACKED?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them with ease, but barely countering the last one]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[successfully driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make! :''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He finally realizes that Oogway is gone and picks up the deceased master's staff]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[angered, Shifu charges Tai Lung, hitting him before Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to catch Shifu by the neck and pin him to the ground.]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :''[Tai Lung growls, then tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks in half and clutters away. They fight some more, even breaking through the roof and went back down, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how '''''PROUD''''' you are, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''''' ''[his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames with his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm s...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat, holding him up in the air]'' I don't want your apology; I want my scroll! ''[sees the Dragon Scroll is gone; shocked]'' What?! ''[angrily]'' '''''WHERE IS IT?!''''' ''[slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws out his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never. ''[Tai Lung snarls, about to lay down the death blow on his former master]'' :'''Po''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''HEY!''''' ''[Tai Lung stops and turns around. He sees Po standing with the dawn behind him at the entrance, currently panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to the Shifu as he tosses him to the floor]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. ''[sarcastically]'' What are you going to do, big guy, sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come get it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tai Lung is severely battered after being belly-bumped by Po in the sky, and falls out of the sky while screaming, and crashing through the ground like in a classic cartoon]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. You...''you're just a big...fat...'''panda!''''' :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda, I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold?! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[last words before his defeat]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. ''[Tai Lung smiles weakly]'' I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger, with Tai Lung's eyes widening in an "uh-oh" stare]'' Skadoosh. ''[Unleashes a rippling wave of light that vanquishes Tai Lung]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines. After defeating Tai Lung, Po rushes to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious.]'' :'''Po''': Master, Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die, I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods] '''Wow.''' It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[slowly lays his head down, as if dead]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! '''''No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[suddenly opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[humorously calms down]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior: ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[joins Shifu for a nap, and after a long nap, he ask something to his master]'' You want to get something to eat? :''[Shifu wakes up and sighs in annoyance]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah. == Kung Fu Panda Holiday == :'''Po''': ''[opening lines; in dream sequence]'' Steel yourself against my steel, villain. ''[uses sword to chop an onion in half]'' Your reign of tears is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[rejecting Po's offer to cook the Winter Feast at the Jade Palace]'' What about our friends? What about those lonely people who have no place else to go? We give them a place to call home. There's always room for one more at Mister Ping's. :'''Po''': Look, Dad, I appreciate that you care about the lonely people... :'''Mr. Ping''': And lonely people pay extra. :'''Po''': But ''I'' need you. I just fired the best chefs in all of China. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[offended]'' Oh, 'the best chefs in all of China', huh? You think your fancy palace ladle is better than mine? ''[picks up ladle, which breaks in half]'' This is not my A-ladle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mr. Ping refuses to cater at the Jade Palace, Po finds Wo Hop the bunny in the kitchen]'' :'''Po''': Bunny! Finally, a real chef! Listen, I know we got off to kind of a rocky start, what with me shaming you and your village for all eternity, but if you could start dicing those carrots, it would really... :'''Wo Hop''': ''[interrupts]'' I'm not here to dice carrots. I'm here to fight you. :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Wo Hop''': The only way to restore honor to me and my village is to fight the Dragon Warrior. Surely I will perish, but that is the fate I must accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This is a disaster. I'm going to disappoint everyone. My dad, the Furious Five, Shifu... :'''Wo Hop''': And me. ''[Po glares at him]'' I'm not dead yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This may be our greatest challenge yet. :'''Monkey''': Bandits? :'''Viper''': Raiders? :'''Po''': No. Place settings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect. You made me proud. All 29 kung fu schools and their masters. Excellent. Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Ping is struggling with a heavy pot of soup]'' :'''Po''': ''[appears behind him]'' I got that, Dad. :'''Mr. Ping''': Po? Oh, you came! Oh, Po, I'm... I'm sorry I made you feel so guilty. :'''Po''': Ah, don't be. That's what the holidays are all about. Now, don't we have some cooking to do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[notices Shifu outside the restaurant]'' There's always room for one more at Mr. Ping's. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I really don't want to disturb anyone. You go and enjoy your party. :'''Po''': I couldn't enjoy it without you. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I couldn't. These are your people. This is your family. :'''Po''': You're my family too, Shifu. Now c'mon. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs and smiles]'' That soup does smell delicious. ''[Po prepares to escort Shifu inside but Shifu suddenly stops him]'' Po, wait. What goes on in your head, I really don't always understand. But what goes on in your heart never let us down. :'''Po''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, Shifu. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] — Po * [[Dustin Hoffman]] — Master Shifu * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Tai Lung * [[Angelina Jolie]] — Master Tigress * [[Jackie Chan]] - Master Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Master Viper * [[David Cross]] - Master Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Master Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Master Oogway * [[w:Dan Fogler|Dan Fogler]] - Zeng * [[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Commander Vachir ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} [[Category:2008 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:John Stevenson films]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Films set in China]] 522jrdo3jc61zwkwdzomxmlcjnsbxkr 3155777 3155774 2022-08-18T06:32:03Z 122.61.148.251 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda|Kung Fu Panda]]''''' is a [[w:2008 in film|2008]] animated film about an obese and clumsy panda who finds himself designated the prophesied Dragon Warrior, much to the disbelief of his would be peers. :''Directed by [[w:John Stevenson|John Stevenson]] and [[w:Mark Osborne|Mark Osborne]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel|Jonathan Aibel]] and [[w:Glenn Berger|Glenn Berger]].'' {{center|'''Prepare For Awesomeness. Pandamonium Begins.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Po== *No! Master! No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!? ==Shifu== *I've been taking easy on you, panda, but no more! Your next opponent... will be me. ''[Po: Oh yeah. Great. Let's go!]'' *Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons. Double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison! ''[Zeng: Yes, Master Shifu]'' ==Tai-Lung== *I have come home master. ==Others== :'''Guard Rhino''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[Zeng: What's happening?!]'' ==Dialogue== :'''Mr. Ping''': Po, what are you doing up there? :'''Po''': Uh, nothing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level... :'''Shifu''': And what level is that? :'''Po''': Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0. :'''Shifu:''' Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0. :'''Po:''' ''[spotted the training dummy]'' Hey! Maybe I can start on that! :'''Shifu:''' That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist... :'''Po''': ''[sees the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions]'' Whoa. the Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same. :''[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]'' :'''Shifu''': Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do. :''[Po hesitates, seeing the Five watching him.]'' :'''Po''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'? :'''Shifu''': Hit it. :'''Po''': ''[stalling]'' Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on. :'''Shifu''': Just hit it. :'''Po''': Uh, okay. ''[looks over at the training dummy]'' What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? ''[quickly shuffles his feet]'' Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen ''bear'' style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. ''[starts chattering like a monkey; Monster raises his eyebrows]'' Or snickety-snake-alike–? :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' Would you hit it?! :'''Po''': ''[stops, annoyed]'' All right. ''[gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]'' :'''Shifu''': Try again. A little harder. :'''Po''': ''[punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards]'' Ha! How's tha–? ''[but the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Five start forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes]'' Oh, that hurts! ''[a spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[very amused]'' This'll be easier than I thought. :'''Po''': ''[spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section]'' Feeling a little nauseous. ''[pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms...]'' Ow! Oh, those are hard–! ''[...then in the scrotum]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo! ''[drops to knees, rises and covers crotch]'' My tenders! ''[in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area]'' Uh-oh. ''[cut back to Shifu and the Furious Five who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly]'' How did I do? :'''Shifu''': ''[chuckles]'' There is ''now''...a Level 0. ''[snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mantis:''' There's no words. :'''Crane:''' No denying that. :'''Viper:''' I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed. :'''Crane:''' ''[mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically]'' He is ''so'' mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire! :'''Mantis:''' When he walks, the very ground shakes. :''[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]'' :'''Tigress:''' One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually ''knew'' Kung Fu. :'''Crane:''' Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes. :'''Monkey:''' Or even ''see'' his toes. :''[The Furious Five laugh again]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Trying to get to his room without waking anyone, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]'' :'''Po''': Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up. :'''Crane''': Am now. :'''Po''': I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore? :'''Crane''': ''[looks at his arms awkwardly]'' Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now. :'''Po''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. :'''Crane''': OK, thanks. :'''Po''': It's just– Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just– ''[tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him]'' Oh, sorry about that. :'''Crane''': Uh, look, you don't belong here. :'''Po''': ''[sighs in disappointment]'' I know. I know. You're right. I don't have--I just--my whole life, I've dreamed of-- :'''Crane''': No, no, no. I meant you don't belong ''here''. I mean, in this room. This is my room. ''[softly taps his bed with his foot]'' Property of Crane. :'''Po''': Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. :''[He leaves, but remains outside the door]'' :'''Crane''': ''[sighs in annoyance]'' Oy. :'''Po''': ''[peeks his head in]'' What was that? :'''Crane''': I didn't say anything. :'''Po''': Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. ''[closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head]'' Seemed a bit awkward. ''[tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed]'' Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh– :'''Tigress''': You don't belong here. :'''Po''': Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room. :'''Tigress''': I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have ''any'' respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. ''[slams her doors closed]'' :''[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response.]'' :'''Po''': ''[weakly]'' ''Big fan.'' :''[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]'' :'''Oogway''': I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. :'''Po''': ''[turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth]'' Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree. :'''Oogway''': I understand. You eat when you are upset. :'''Po''': ''[spits out the peaches]'' Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset? :'''Oogway''': So, why are you upset? :'''Po''': ''[sighs]'' I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of ''sucking''. :'''Oogway''': Probably. :'''Po''': And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me. :'''Oogway''': Totally. :'''Po''': How is Shifu ever going to turn ''me'' into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those...thingies. ''[sighs]'' Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles. :'''Oogway''': ''[pause]'' Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." ''[taps the peach tree with his staff, which the peach fell into Po's hand and leaves]'' :''[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Po tries to take a vow of silence, when he realises he can't keep it up then...]'' :'''Po''': They're right! I can't do this...I'm a blabber-mouth, a chatter-box, a yack-idy, whack-idy, a fluger-meister! :'''Mantis''': A fluger-what? :'''Po''': I don't know! See?! I talk so much I have to make up new words! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Shifu is trying to meditate]'' :'''Shifu''': Inner peace. Inner peace...Inner...In...In...In...In...Inner peace... ''[one of his ears turn to the side, hearing a flapping noises; shouts over his shoulder]'' Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?! ''[resumes mediating, but one of his ear twich]'' Inner... ''[Zeng quacks, Shifu groans and turn around. He smiles a little]'' Oh, Zeng! Excellent. I could use some good news right now. :'''Zeng''': ''[Pauses nervously]'' Uhhh... :''[Cut to Shifu, who ran up to Oogway near the peach tree.]'' :'''Shifu''': Master! Master! :'''Oogway''': Hmm? :'''Shifu''': I...I...have...it's...it's very bad news. :'''Oogway''': Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad. (So what did you want to tell me?) :'''Shifu''': Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way! :''[Long pause]'' :'''Oogway''': That is bad news...if you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him. :'''Shifu''': The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident! :'''Oogway''': There are no accidents. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, I know. You said that already...twice. :'''Oogway''': Well, that was no accident either. :'''Shifu''': ... Thrice. :'''Oogway''': My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control. :'''Shifu''': Illusion? :'''Oogway''': Yes. ''[gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom]'' Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time. :'''Shifu''': But there are things we ''can'' control. ''[kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall]'' I can control when the fruit will fall. ''[one hits him on the head. Oogway chuckles]'' And I can control... ''tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half]'' ...Where to plant the seed. ''[punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed]'' That is no illusion, Master. ''[throws the seed into the hole]'' :'''Oogway''': Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. :'''Shifu''': But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! :'''Oogway''': Maybe it can... ''[covers the seed in dirt]'' ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it. :'''Shifu''': But how? How? I need your help, master. :'''Oogway''': No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe. :'''Shifu''': I...I will try. :'''Oogway''': Good. ''[sees petals floating around him]'' My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. ''[hands Shifu his staff]'' :'''Shifu''': What?...What are you...? ''[Oogway backs into the swirling petals]'' Master, you can't leave me! :'''Oogway''': ''[starts to vanish]'' You must believe. :'''Shifu''': Master! :''[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Po''': ''[making dinner for The Furious Five]'' So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!" :'''Crane''': Really, so how'd you get out of there alive? :'''Po''': I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he woulda been like "What?". Order up! ''[passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five]'' Hope you like it. ''[watches patiently]'' :'''Mantis''': This is really good! :'''Po''': ''[sitting down]'' Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient. :'''Viper''': What are you talking about? This is amazing! :'''Crane''': Wow, you're a really good cook! :''[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new.]'' :'''Mantis''': I wish my mouth was bigger! :'''Monkey''': Tigress, you've got to try this. :'''Tigress''': Hmmm. ''[picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles]'' It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe. :''[The Five realize Po's been shot down yet again, but he ignores that.]'' :'''Po''': I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet, heh heh. I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. ''[slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers]'' What? :'''Mantis''': Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu". :''[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]'' :'''Po''': ''[gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu]'' "You will never be the Dragon Warrior...unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" ''[the Five, except Tigress, laughs]'' "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." ''[brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway]'' Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good. :'''Monkey''': ''[whispering]'' It's Shifu! :'''Po''': Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? ''[the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu]'' Oh...Master Shifu! Uh... ''[slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[angrily]'' You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children! :'''Po''': What? :'''Shifu''': He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! ''[to Po]'' And you are the ''only'' one who can stop him! :'''Po''': ''[as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs]'' And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! ''[Shifu looks at him deadly serious]'' I'm gonna...stop Tai Lung. What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again. :'''Shifu''': ''[shakes his head]'' Oogway cannot! ''[face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff.]'' Not anymore. ''[the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone]'' Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. :'''Tigress''': The panda? :'''Shifu''': Yes, the panda! :'''Tigress''': Master, please! ''[pushes her chair out]'' Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for! :'''Shifu''': No! It is not ''your'' destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is ''his!'' ''[points to where Po was once at]'' Where'd he go? ''[scene cuts to outside with Po running down the stairs, screaming, and Shifu stops Po from leaving]'' You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits! :'''Po''': Watch me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away]'' Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs. :'''Shifu''': You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! ''[pokes Po in the stomach]'' :'''Po''': Ow! You don't believe that! ''[Shifu swings his arm around]'' You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! ''[tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away again]'' :'''Shifu''': Yes, I was, but now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine. :'''Po''': You're not my master. ''[shoves the staff away from his face]'' And I'm not the Dragon Warrior. :'''Shifu''': Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, and yet you stayed! :'''Po''': Yeah, I stayed. ''[stands up]'' I stayed because though every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled, it hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. ''[Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence]'' I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China! :'''Shifu''': But I ''can'' change you! I ''can'' turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will! :'''Po''': Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are ''you'' gonna change ''this'' into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? ''[Shifu is speechless from shock]'' How?! How?! '''''HOW?!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[snaps and yells in frustration]'' I don't know! ''[calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means]'' I don't know. :'''Po''': ''[sadness]'' That's what I thought. :'''Tigress''': ''[watches Po and Shifu sadly walk away and jumps]'' This what you trained me for. ''[Keeps going. The rest of the Furious Five follow her]'' :'''Viper''': ''[now caught up with Tigress]'' Tigress! :'''Tigress''': Don't try to stop me! :'''Viper''': We're not trying to stop you. :'''Tigress''': What? :'''Viper''': We're coming with you. :''[Monkey gives a thumb up and the Furious Five jump into the moon, The next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po karate. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]'' :'''Po''': ''[Sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look arounds the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands]'' What? ''[annoyed]'' I eat when I'm upset, okay? :'''Shifu''': Oh, no need to explain. ''[start to turn away, then turn back]'' I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. ''[pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]'' :'''Po''': ''[with the cookies in his mouth]'' Don’t tell Monkey. :'''Shifu:''' ''[in astonishment]'' Look at you. :'''Po:''' Yeah, I know, I disgust you. :'''Shifu:''' No, no, I mean, how did you get up there? :'''Po:''' ''[taking a few more cookies]'' I don’t know. I just- I don’t know. I was getting a cookie. :'''Shifu''': And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split. :'''Po:''' No. This is just an... ''[the shelf trembles under his weight]'' ...accident. ''[the shelf breaks; Po falls to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[smiles, as a cookie rolls to him]'' There are no accidents. Come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing! :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Mr. Ping''': You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient. :'''Po''': Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodles? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something? :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't have to. To make something special...you just have to believe it is special. :'''Po''': ''[finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret]'' There is no secret ingredient. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shifu awaits for Tai Lung to appear. And as the lightning flashes, Tai Lung is standing in front of Shifu at the top of the stairs]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I've come home, Master. :'''Shifu''': This is your no longer home, and I am no longer your master. :'''Tai Lung''': Ah, you have a new favorite. So where is this "Po"? ''[chuckles a bit]'' Did I scare him off? :'''Shifu''': This battle is between you and me. :'''Tai Lung''': So, this is how it's going to be. :'''Shifu''': That is how it must be. :''[Shifu and Tai Lung engaged a violent fight. Then they entered the Jade Palace]'' :'''Tai Lung''': I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness! :'''Shifu''': Obeying your master is not weakness! :'''Tai Lung''': You ''knew'' I was the Dragon Warrior! ''[flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation; Tai Lung proudly believes he will receive the dragon scroll]'' You ''always'' knew. But when Oogway said otherwise, ''[Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away]'' what did you do? ''[Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master]'' '''''What did you do?!''''' ''[Tai Lung cannot believe what he is hearing and seeing. Then the scene returns to present; Tai Lung is furious]'' '''''NOTHING!''''' :'''Shifu''': '''''YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR, THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT!''''' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[going into a rage] '''NOT YOUR FAULT?!''' [angrily knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor]'' WHO FILLED MY HEAD WITH DREAMS?! ''[starts throwing weapons at Shifu]'' '''''WHO DROVE ME TO TRAIN UNTIL MY BONES CRACKED?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?!''''' ''[launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them with ease, but barely countering the last one]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[successfully driving last blade into the ground]'' It was never my decision to make! :''[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He finally realizes that Oogway is gone and picks up the deceased master's staff]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[holding the staff out to Shifu]'' It is now. ''[angered, Shifu charges Tai Lung, hitting him before Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to catch Shifu by the neck and pin him to the ground.]'' Give...me...the scroll! :'''Shifu''': I would rather die! :''[Tai Lung growls, then tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks in half and clutters away. They fight some more, even breaking through the roof and went back down, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[furiously pummeling Shifu]'' All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how '''''PROUD''''' you are, Shifu! Tell me! '''''TELL ME!!!''''' ''[his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames with his paws]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[tired, solemn and sad]'' I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat, holding him up in the air]'' I don't want your apology; I want my scroll! ''[sees the Dragon Scroll is gone; shocked]'' What?! ''[angrily]'' '''''WHERE IS IT?!''''' ''[slams Shifu to the floor]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck]'' The Dragon Warrior has taken scroll halfway across China by now. ''[coughs]'' You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! ''[Tai Lung draws out his claws, ready to kill Shifu]'' Never! ''[weakly]'' N-Never. ''[Tai Lung snarls, about to lay down the death blow on his former master]'' :'''Po''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''HEY!''''' ''[Tai Lung stops and turns around. He sees Po standing with the dawn behind him at the entrance, currently panting for breath]'' Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh. :'''Tai Lung''': Who are you? :'''Po''': ''[catching his breath]'' Buddy...I...am the Dragon Warrior. ''[gasps one last time to catch his breath]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[disbelievingly]'' You? ''[laughs; to the Shifu as he tosses him to the floor]'' Him? He's a panda. ''[to Po]'' You're a ''panda''. ''[sarcastically]'' What are you gonna do, big guy, sit on me? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Po''': Don't tempt me. ''[laughs]'' Now I'm gonna use ''this.'' ''[holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles]'' You want it? Come and get it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tai Lung is severely battered after being belly-bumped by Po in the sky, and falls out of the sky while screaming, and crashing through the ground like in a classic cartoon]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[weakly]'' You...''can't'' defeat me. You...''you're just a big...fat...'''panda!''''' :'''Po''': ''[pinches Tai Lung's finger]'' I'm not a big fat panda, I'm ''the'' big fat panda. ''[lifts up his pinky finger]'' :'''Tai Lung''': ''[gasps in horror]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold?! :'''Po''': Oh, you ''know'' this hold. :'''Tai Lung''': ''[last words before his defeat]'' You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that. :'''Po''': Nope. ''[Tai Lung smiles weakly]'' I figured it out. ''[flexes his pinky finger, with Tai Lung's eyes widening in an "uh-oh" stare]'' Skadoosh. ''[Unleashes a rippling wave of light that vanquishes Tai Lung]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines. After defeating Tai Lung, Po rushes to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious.]'' :'''Po''': Master, Shifu! Shifu, are you okay? :'''Shifu''': ''[coughs; weakly]'' Po, you're alive...or we're both dead. :'''Po''': No, Master, I didn't die, I defeated Tai Lung. :'''Shifu''': You did? ''[Po nods] '''Wow.''' It is just as Oogway...foretold. You ''are'' the Dragon Warrior. ''[Po's smile disappears]'' You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. ''[sighs again]'' Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. ''[slowly lays his head down, as if dead]'' :'''Po''': ''[looks disbelievingly at his master]'' No! Master! '''''No, no, no, don't die, Shifu, please!''''' :'''Shifu''': ''[suddenly opens his eyes in annoyance]'' I'm not dying, you idiot- ''[humorously calms down]'' Uh, Dragon Warrior: ''[relaxes and folds his hands over his chest]'' I am simply at peace. Finally. :'''Po''': Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking? :'''Shifu''': ''[smiling]'' If you can. :'''Po''': ''[joins Shifu for a nap, and after a long nap, he ask something to his master]'' You want to get something to eat? :''[Shifu wakes up and sighs in annoyance]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah. == Kung Fu Panda Holiday == :'''Po''': ''[opening lines; in dream sequence]'' Steel yourself against my steel, villain. ''[uses sword to chop an onion in half]'' Your reign of tears is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[rejecting Po's offer to cook the Winter Feast at the Jade Palace]'' What about our friends? What about those lonely people who have no place else to go? We give them a place to call home. There's always room for one more at Mister Ping's. :'''Po''': Look, Dad, I appreciate that you care about the lonely people... :'''Mr. Ping''': And lonely people pay extra. :'''Po''': But ''I'' need you. I just fired the best chefs in all of China. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[offended]'' Oh, 'the best chefs in all of China', huh? You think your fancy palace ladle is better than mine? ''[picks up ladle, which breaks in half]'' This is not my A-ladle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mr. Ping refuses to cater at the Jade Palace, Po finds Wo Hop the bunny in the kitchen]'' :'''Po''': Bunny! Finally, a real chef! Listen, I know we got off to kind of a rocky start, what with me shaming you and your village for all eternity, but if you could start dicing those carrots, it would really... :'''Wo Hop''': ''[interrupts]'' I'm not here to dice carrots. I'm here to fight you. :'''Po''': Huh? :'''Wo Hop''': The only way to restore honor to me and my village is to fight the Dragon Warrior. Surely I will perish, but that is the fate I must accept. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This is a disaster. I'm going to disappoint everyone. My dad, the Furious Five, Shifu... :'''Wo Hop''': And me. ''[Po glares at him]'' I'm not dead yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': This may be our greatest challenge yet. :'''Monkey''': Bandits? :'''Viper''': Raiders? :'''Po''': No. Place settings. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shifu''': Beautiful. Elegant. Perfect. You made me proud. All 29 kung fu schools and their masters. Excellent. Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Ping is struggling with a heavy pot of soup]'' :'''Po''': ''[appears behind him]'' I got that, Dad. :'''Mr. Ping''': Po? Oh, you came! Oh, Po, I'm... I'm sorry I made you feel so guilty. :'''Po''': Ah, don't be. That's what the holidays are all about. Now, don't we have some cooking to do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': ''[notices Shifu outside the restaurant]'' There's always room for one more at Mr. Ping's. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I really don't want to disturb anyone. You go and enjoy your party. :'''Po''': I couldn't enjoy it without you. :'''Shifu''': Oh no, I couldn't. These are your people. This is your family. :'''Po''': You're my family too, Shifu. Now c'mon. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs and smiles]'' That soup does smell delicious. ''[Po prepares to escort Shifu inside but Shifu suddenly stops him]'' Po, wait. What goes on in your head, I really don't always understand. But what goes on in your heart never let us down. :'''Po''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, Shifu. == Taglines == * Prepare For Awesomeness. * Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX. * Summertime Is Pandatime. == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] — Po * [[Dustin Hoffman]] — Master Shifu * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Tai Lung * [[Angelina Jolie]] — Master Tigress * [[Jackie Chan]] - Master Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Master Viper * [[David Cross]] - Master Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Master Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Master Oogway * [[w:Dan Fogler|Dan Fogler]] - Zeng * [[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Commander Vachir ==See also== * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 3]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=441773|title=Kung Fu Panda}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=kung_fu_panda|title=Kung Fu Panda}} [[Category:2008 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:John Stevenson films]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] [[Category:Films set in China]] 9efesb2jayst3lkaldgi9ehliv1xxlp 0 90280 3155707 3141858 2022-08-18T00:48:11Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 a -> an wikitext text/x-wiki The following is '''a list of last words attributed to various fictional characters in animated television shows'''. Characters are listed according to the originating show, then the name of character the quote is attributed to (in case of more than one quote per source). Where possible, for the purposes of clarification, further explanatory notes have been presented. Additionally, if a character's final words consist of a dialogue with the other characters, the other character's speech may be included for contextual purposes; for example, if one character asks a question that the one who is about to die answers. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. Additionally, significant last words from deaths that are merely assumed to have happened or are non-canon are included. Additionally, in instances where there are multiple outcomes, or in media with alternate timelines, the character's last words will be featuored. == Quotes == === Animated TV shows === * You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, Fame, Riches, Infinite Power, YOUR OWN GALAXY, PLEASE!! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!! NRUTER YAM I TAHT REWOP TNEICNA EHT EKOPS EVAH I!!! NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM!!! L-T-O-L-O-X-A!!! STANLEY!!! ** Who: Bill Cipher ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) ** Note: Said this before getting punched by Stanley, then disintegrates. * Guess I was good for something after all. ** Who: Stanley Pines ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) ** Note: Said this before getting all of his memory erased by sacrificing himself to save his family and the universe. Eventually, his memory gets restored, when Mabel shows him pictures of their summer memories. * To think that you are their leader now, the end is near. Those who stand above others, must have noble ideals, along with the most noble intentions. Anyone that cannot manage the will of the masses is not fit to serve as leader of knights. You say you're punishing someone for standing up to you? That kind of justice, is a lie. We are an official section of the CC corporation. If that's a problem for you, well then don't play. You mean, you'll kill us all. It's an insult to call that justice. You are silencing the players through mass murder. Remember this, those who call themselves knights must not hide behind a shield of false justice. If you forget that, you are nothing but an empty shell. ** Who: Silver Knight ** Source: .hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet ** Note: This is not canon with the rest of the .hack series. ** Note: A scene of Silver Knight yelling "Lady Subaru!" is shown after Silver Knight is shot, but it's unclear whether he yelled this as he was being deleted, or if it was a flashback. * I'll see you in Hell. ** Who: Steve-a-rino ** Source: ''[[w:American Dad!|American Dad!]]'' episode "[[w:Son of Stan|Son of Stan]]". ** Note: Character, a homicidal clone of Steve Smith, says this before being shot by a cat at the episode's conclusion. Note: For ''Avatar: The Last Airbender'', see [[Fictional last words in Avatar media]]. Note: For ''Beast Wars'', see [[Fictional last words in Transformers media]]. * Protect... the children, Save the family. ** Who: Babar's Mother [Episode 1 Babar's First Step] ** Source: ''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]'' ** Note: Gets killed by the hunter. * Can't even find something to decent to eat around here. And the hunter is closing in once again! We will run no further. Tomorrow at dawn, We will drive him out of the jungle! I call for an elephant stampede! ** Who: Old King [Episode 3 Babar Returns] ** Source: ''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]'' ** Note He eats two bad mushrooms and dies. Until Cornelius takes over the meeting. * No! Come ba-a-ack! You can't run! I won't run! I'LL DESTROY THEM A-A-ALL!!!!!!!!! ** Who: The Hunter [Episode 5 Babar's Triumph] ** Source: ''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]'' ** Note: His henchmen drive away from his camp and the hunter screams that he will destroy them all. But then the fire kills him. * Hey Beavis. You were crying! ** Who: Butt-head ** Source: ''[[Beavis & Butt-head]]'' ** Note: In an episode where Beavis gets onion in his eye, causing him to tear up, Butt-head constantly makes fun of Beavis for crying, though Beavis continually denies he was crying, insisting it was an onion. He continues to do this until the two are eventually shown at a retirement home. Butt-head says this, and continues to laugh while Beavis denies this. Butt-head then has a heart-attack and dies, while Beavis, continues to deny it. He also says, noticing that Butt-head is dead, "I'm not crying now either!" before ramming his wheelchair into Butt-head's corpse. This death is likely not canon. * What does it matter now, Gideon? We're ruined! ** Who: Doctor B ** Source: ''[[Beyblade V-Force]]'' ** Note: His former boss, Gideon, will stop and pushed him away when Dcotor B started the red button with destroy everything for explosive, dies by the electrocution on computer screen, and falling debris on the collapsed with Gideon's Battle Tower after the final battle on Kane and Tyson. * I have to report for Professor Zagart. ** Who: Gideon ** Source: ''[[Beyblade V-Force]]'' ** Note: Gideon was killed by falling debris on the collapsed with Gideon's Battle Tower after the final battle with Kane and Tyson. * Goodbye, my little one. ** Who: Diva ** Source: ''[[Blood+]]'' ** Notes: Diva was killed by Saya. * Uh oh, I've been beefed! ** Who: Chef McMusley ** Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' ** Note: Before he can rescue Lazlo, Raj and Clam and defeat Meatman. Meatman spits a meat-bomb on him. He explodes to his death. This death is likely not canon. * But, wait! The water's getting colder, and colder... ** Who: Dot Hugson ** Source: ''[[The Oz Kids]]'' (Journey Beneath the Sea) (1996) ** Note: Zog freezes Dot to her death along with Neddie, Toto 2, Boris, Bela, and Rick, but was resurrected when Queen Aquarine breaks the ice. * But... I'm a little tired. Please... let me rest for a bit. ** Who: Nagisa (Furukawa) Okazaki ** Source: ''[[Clannad]]'' ** Note: Due to her weakness from chronic illness, Nagisa dies shortly after giving birth to her daughter, Ushio. She is later revived when the collective spirit of the town triggers a "miracle" in response to Tomoya's desires. * Papa...[Tomaya: "Yeah?"] I love you. [Tomaya: "Daddy loves you too."] ** Who: Ushio Okazaki ** Source: Clannad * It's just a dream. ** Who: Julia Angel ** Source: ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]'' ** Note: One of the three major deaths in Cowboy Bebop, Julia is killed when Anastasia's shop is stormed by Vicious' men. After a drawn out gunfight, she is shot in the back and dies in Spike's arms. * Bang. ** Who: Spike Spiegel ** Source: ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]'' ** Note: After fighting his way through Vicious' multi-story headquarters and eventually killing Vicious in a violent duel (including an explosion that destroys much of the building's upper floors), Spike makes his way back to the first floor of the building to find himself surrounded by multiple police officers. Bleeding heavily, he raises his left hand, making a gun shape with his fingers and mumbles this before collapsing from his injuries. His final fate unknown before the series ends. ** Note: Spike also says this line in a much earlier episode of the series, although, he is in no danger of dying. * As you wish. ** Who: Vicious ** Source: ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]''. * It's possible I've wasted my life on petty, and ultimately meaningless, quests for vengeance. There! Are you happy now!? ** Who: Dan ** Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' ** Note: Dan and everyone else are resurrected and set back to the beginning of the last day. * You know what Tommy Sherman's going to do now? He's going to go out onto the field and check out his new goal post. He's going to read the plaque and think of all the people who admire him. But you wouldn't know anything about that. You're one of those misery chicks, always moping about what a cruel world it is, making a big deal about it so people won't notice that you're a loser. ** Who: Tommy ** Source: ''[[Daria]]'' ** Note: When the goal post fell offscreen, Kevin realized that Tommy Sherman is dead. The students and faculty are gathered in the auditorium for a memorial service for Tommy Sherman; the stage is decorated with banners and flowers, all dominated by a large photo of Tommy. * By doing this, I’ve become one with the world, and with this sacred planet. My life is this planet’s life. The two of us are one and the same. If you want to resist, then go ahead! However, I will die together with the dignity of the planet! So cry! All you want! This is the beginning of a BRAND NEW EARTH! ** Who: Dewey Novak ** Source: ''[[Eureka Seven]]'' ** Note: Character commits suicide right after uttering these words. * ''Leave!'' This... this is still my bridge, trooper! Go back and tell Winfield to ''watch.'' Tell him... Matthew Marcus... knew how to die. ** Who: Captain Matthew Marcus ** Source: ''[[Exosquad]]'' ** Notes: Marcus led a disasterous attack on the Neosapen fleet that has needlessly killed many and left the Exofleet flagship ''Resolute'' crippled and surrounded by Neosapien ships. Refusing to be evacuated with the surviving crew, he steers the ''Resolute'' into the midst of the enemy as it explodes. * You... You've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. ** Who: Brian Griffin ** Source: ''[[w:Family Guy|Family Guy]]'' ** Notes: In the [[w:Family Guy (season 12)|Season 12]] episode "[[w:Life of Brian (Family Guy)|Life of Brian]]", Brian gets run over by a speeding car, and succumbs to his injuries at the veterinary clinic after thanking the Griffins for the life they gave him, and gently smiling at them. Due to the events of the episode being erased due to Stewie Griffin going back in time to save his life [[w:Christmas Guy|two episodes later]], he never says these words. * Take care of my boy. ** Who: Avocato ** Source: ''[[Final Space]]'' ** Notes: After finding an explosive on Little Cato's back, which was stuck onto him by the Lord Commander, Avocato decides to sacrifice his own life to ensure the safety of his son and the Galaxy One crew. He takes the explosive, runs away from everyone around him, and covers the bomb with his body. The bomb then explodes, making a hole in the ship and blasting Avocato's body out into space. His death, of course, had a huge impact on his son Little Cato and his best friend Gary. * Thanks for the drink, enjoy the pickles, and if you find my [[w:Zune|Zune]], just give me a c- ** Who: Phil ** Source: ''[[w: Frisky Dingo|Frisky Dingo]]'' ** Notes: Character is shot before he can finish sentence. * All right, I'm--- ** Who: Sinn ** Notes: Sinn was kill by valerie ** Source: ''[[W: Frisky Dingo[Frisky Dingo]]'' * ''Well, I love ther more than you do.'' ** Who: Arthur Watley ** Notes: Arthur Watley was kill by wendell ** Source: ''[[W: Frisky Dingo[Frisky Dingo]]'' * And he's the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world. Aren't you? And my life until the very moment of your birth has been merely--- ** Who: Grace Ryan ** Notes: Eaten of death by cody 2 ** Source: ''[[W: Frisky Dingo[Frisky Dingo]]'' * Farewell... My comrades. * Later, bro. (English Dub) ** Who: Kamina ** Source: [[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]] * If you're going to put up a show of torturing me... I'm sorry, but I'd rather leave the stage. ** Who: Rika Furude ** Source: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni - Meakashi-hen ** Notes: Upon being threatened with torture and a drawn-out death, Rika makes this simple remark before placing a knife against the wall and shoving her neck against it until she dies. It is later revealed that, with her death, the month starts over, so technically, her consciousness didn't die. * Hooray! Now it's all over! (Japanese version) * I did it! I did it all! I killed everyone, with my own hands! (English version) * Satoshi-kun, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Please forgive me. I won't make the same mistake. I promise. (Japanese version) * Satoshi-kun, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Please forgive me. Next time, I won't make the same mistake...I promise. (English version) ** Who : Shion Sonozaki - Meakashi-hen ** Source: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni ** Notes: After going on a delusional rampage, including the murders of several of her friends, Shion hastily returns to her apartment by scaling the side of the building, only to slip and fall to her death. The second line is of her last thoughts as she plummets. * I didn't plan on killing you, but I'll probably never meet such a good target again. At any rate, after duping him out of his money, I was going to do a vanishing act as usual- AAH! … W-Wait, what are you...?! ** Who : Ritsuko "Rina" Mamiya ** Source: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (Episode 23) ** Notes: Ritsuko's plan was to marry Rena's father and swindle him out of his money. She is confronted by Rena and attempts to strangle her to death. Rena manages to subdue her by slashing a shard of glass through her stomach, before beating her to death with a pipe. * FINALLY!! ** Who: [[w:GIR (Invader Zim)|GIR]] ** Source: ''[[w:Invader Zim|Invader Zim]]'' ** Note: Said by GIR when Dib convinces Zim to give up on the invasion. Zim says goodbye to GIR, and then commands him to self-destruct, and GIR happily complies. However, this was all a simulation Zim used so Dib would admit he threw a muffin at his head at lunch, so this never really happened. * I will have my revenge even if it takes for another 900 years! ** Who: Shendu ** Source: ''[[w:Jackie Chan Adventures|Jackie Chan Adventures]]'' ** Note: Said this line before Jade kills him with the dragon talisman while he's a statue. Shendu returns as a spirit in season 2 and revived in season 3. * Oh? You're quite the babe! Bring it on Hex! I'll put your skills to the test! ** Who : Renato "R" ** Source: Jormungand ** Notes: A double agent for the CIA, R decided to protect Jonah from an ambush from fellow CIA agent, Hex. He and Hex fired at one another, hitting each other in the eye. However, Hex survived due to the bullet having to pass through her scope first. P9 * I truly pissed you off, didn't I, Koko Hekmatyer? Very well. Let's fight again in hell. ** Who : Hex ** Source: Jormungand ** Notes: As revenge for the death of R, Koko carpet bombed the region where Hex was hiding. Hex is seen putting a gun to her head just as the area around her explodes. * Do ya now? ** Who: [[w:Cotton Hill|Cotton Hill]] ** Source: ''[[w:King of the Hill|King of the Hill]]'' ** Note: Said defiantly in response to [[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]], who bitterly told a dying Cotton that she hoped he would live forever, so that he would have to live in the "Hell [on earth] that you have created for yourself." Cotton died immediately after speaking this line. * IT HURTS! Oh wait, no it doesn't. ** Who: Magnanimous ** Source: ''[[w:Megas XLR|Megas XLR]]'' ** Notes: His main body had been separated from his mech, and he remembered that no organic parts were cut off. He then fell into his quantum singularity. * I can fix this... ** Who: Varsin ** Source: ''[[w:Megas XLR|Megas XLR]]'' ** Notes: His mech explodes shortly after the statement. * I'm sad. I'm not sad that I'm dying. I'm finally sad that my child died. People don't lose their emotions. My emotions just wandered around in an unknown place. It's like a letter that was addressed to me decades ago has finally arrived. Is this true sadness? Or is it happiness? ...In the final episode of the Magnificent Steiner, I bet... he finally became human again. ** Who: Wolfgang Grimmer ** Source: ''[[w:Monster|Monster]]'' (anime) ** Notes: Upon seeing and unarmed civilian murdered, Grimmer gives into his rage and kills four ex-Stasi before succumbing to gunshot wounds. His last words refer to a television show called the Magnificent Steiner (similar to the Incredible Hulk) that he watched as a child. * And so we bid suf widersehen to this pin infested excuse for a city. What is this cracking noise? Actual cracking? This isn't how I visualized this. Still alive---------- ** Who: Von Groff ** Source: ''[[w:Moonbeam City]]'' * Noooooooooo! ** Who: Discord ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]] {Elements of Harmony (Part 2)}'' ** Notes: A being of immense mischief which was freed in the Canterlot Gardens and spent the majority of this episode causing confusion for everypony in Equestria, which included (but was not limited to) essentially ruining the minds of the main cast members, creating clouds of exploding chocolate milk, and causing buildings to tumble like playing cards. (It makes sense when you watch the actual episode.) After the main heroine Twilight causes her friends to recover from being 'Discorded', they unite their power of the Elements of Harmony to re-imprison Discord in stone before he could do any more damage. * What?! A guardian? [Matrix: There's no guardian here, I'm Matrix, renegade.] Please, renegade. Mercy? [Matrix: Mercy to a virus, never.] ** Who: Virus ** Source: [[ReBoot]] ** Note: Matrix shoots a virus with his gun just after that quote. * I am Daemon. I am not an entity, I am in time. My time is now. The word, is Cron. (Glitch Bob: No, not a cron virus.) ** Who: Daemon ** Source: [[ReBoot]] * What are you doing, Glitch? What's happening to me?! ** Who: Glitch Bob ** Source: [[ReBoot]] ** Note: Glitch is healing Glitch Bob and transforming back to Bob, killing this version of the character. * Fulfill your destiny, Pops. Get him to the rendezous point, I'll hold off Anti-Pops! ** Who: Earl ** Source: [[Regular Show]] ** Note: In "Kill 'Em with Kindness", after Pops nearly gets killed by Anti-Pops.. The gang come in and save him.. including Earl, but he gets caught by Anti-Pops and gets glitched. * My god, all those one star reviews - I wish I could take it all back. ** Who: Anti-Pops ** Source: [[Regular Show]] ** Note: He is very close to victory but Pops tackles him with a hug and they are both killed by flying into the sun. At the last minute Anti-Pops shows remorse for his actions and embraces his brother before their death. * You can try. You and I together, brother. ** Who: Pops ** Source: [[Regular Show]] ** Note: He died in the series finale to sacrifice saving the universe, end the cycle of universe destruction and rebirth every 14 billion years. * Tune in next time for more of those bloopers! ** You saved me? My life has meaning after all. ** Who: Host of the Bloopers skit ** Source: [[Robot Chicken]] ** Note: Following him saying this, he always does something to kill himself (i.e. hanging himself, dropping an electric toaster in a bathtub while he's in it and electrocuting himself) and succeeds. This occurs at the end of the Bloopers skit, and prior to the end credits (when you hear the chickens singing). One of the most recent episodes in the fifth season subverts this, in which he, after revealing that he has had a horrible life, which involves being whipped, beaten and verbally abused all the time for no reason by his father when he was a kid, suffering from excessive piles all the time, being pressured into sleeping with a fat woman he found unattractive which was the only time he ever had sex, and imagining he is being laughed at by the people around him all the time (basically explaining away his frequent suicidal tendencies) brings out his bratty pregnant thirteen year old daughter, born to the fat woman he slept with, to help him with offing himself, but she refuses, much to his chagrin. The second quote comes from "The Rescue" skit from the 100th episode; as the Robot Chicken cuts down the hanging rope of the Bloopers host, while on his way to save his wife from the Mad Scientist. The Host says this quote before having his head sliced off by the Chicken. * No, wait! Stop! ** Who: Gummy Bear ** Source: [[Robot Chicken]] ** Note: In the 100th episode, the Chicken confronts this character on a floor covered in bear traps (in the original "Gummy Bear" skit, the gummy bear got her leg trapped in a bear trap, forcing her to eat her leg to escape). The Chicken disposes of this character by throwing her into the bear traps, disembowling her. * You seem so ruthless. Time to make you toothless! ** Who: Mo-Larr, Eternian Dentist ** Source: [[Robot Chicken]] * These ratings... will be glorious! ** Who: Keith Crofford ** Source: [[Robot Chicken]] * Since you're here, I'll show you the results of my training... Why?... ** Who: Suzuri ** Source: [[RIDEBACK]] ** Note: Having been mistaken for Rin at a government resistance movement, Suzuri was pursued by government Ridebacks. Upon realizing that Rin was watching her from the monorail, Suzuka tried to escape the soldiers only to be crushed by the truncheon of an enemy rideback. * You're gonna pay for this! ** Who: Umanosuke ** Source: ''[[Samurai Champloo]]'' * I can't believe. You are the most contest of your attack? ** Who: Kairya ** Source: ''[[Samurai Champloo]]'' * I ain't lost, ye tree-lugger! I might be old, but I've lived long enough to see the world rise against your tyranny! Admit it you big oaf! You're scared! The Samurai is still out there inspiring people by the thousands! After all these years, you're powerless against him! You been shiverin' like a wee baby hiding in your crib, afraid to show yourself 'cause you know he's out there! And you can't do anything about it! AH-HA-HA-HA! You're just a big baby! Why don't you go cry to your mama!? ** Who: The Scotsman ** Source: [[Samurai Jack]] ** Note: After a failed assault on Aku's Lair, the Scotsman buys his retreating daughters time to escape by confronting Aku directly. He rains insults upon Aku before Aku incinerates the Scotsman with his laser eyes without any problems, killing the Scotsman instantly. The Celtic Magic of the runes of his sword however allow the Scotsman to return in the form of a spirit. * So a little thing like you is gonna stop this whole army, huh? ''(Ashi: Yep.)'' We're gonna rip you apart in a bunch of pieces, and then we're gonna take those pieces and rip them apart into even more pieces! ''(Ashi: I'm waiting.)'' Hmm? ''(Growls)'' ** Who: Orc General ** Source: [[Samurai Jack]] ** Note: While leading an massive army of Orcs to kill Jack, he aand his army are confronted by Ashi and says these words when Ashi claims she will stop them. And she does so by violently slaughtering him and the entire army. * The Samurai is our mortal enemy. He must die at any cost! ** Who: The High Priestess ** Source: [[Samurai Jack]] ** Notes: While battling against her daughter Ashi, she said these words while attempting to kill Jack while he is meditating until he regains his honor and recovers his lost sword. But the High Priestess' attempt against Jack is foiled by Ashi, who fatally tosses an arrow in her back, killing her. * Do not worry, samurai. You will see me again. But next time you shall not be so fortunate... What? ''[sees Jack return with Ashi and becomes shocked]'' Huh? You're back already?! ''(Jack: Aaaagh!)'' No, wait! Aah!! ** Who: Aku ** Source: [[Samurai Jack]] ** Notes: The first part is the same one that Aku said at the first episode ("The Beginning") when he opened a portal in time and flung his enemy into the future, unaware that time has stopped for Jack, who has waited 50 years to get home and has not aged a bit. With help from Aku's future daughter Ashi, Jack is able to return (along with her) to where he was flung in time, which seemed like five seconds before to Aku. The villain is surprised to see Jack return before the samurai finishes him off for good. And this happens in the very final episode. * Without Aku... I would never have existed. ** Who: Ashi ** Source: [[Samurai Jack]] ** Note: With the use of Aku's powers, Ashi sends herself and Jack to the past to where he can finally kill Aku. Just as they're about to get married, Ashi started to fade away from existence, due to the fact that without Aku in the future, she would never have existed. * No! No, you... no, no. You don't understand! My family! Uh-huh. Let me go! You have to let me go! I sell soap now! Soap! ** Who: Zorn ** Source: [[Son of Zorn]] ** Note: Zorn gets captured by Lord Vulchazor's forces and ends up on a freighter ship sailing toward Zephyria, where Lord Vulchazor is unaware that the Staff of Quiv which he is looking for has been sold at Zorn's yard sale. * Get the hell outta here, children! ** Who: Chef ** Source: [[South Park]] ** Note: As he is leaving to re-join the "Super Adventure Club", lightning strikes the bridge, and he falls to a gruesome death. He was later ressurected as Darth Chef. * Cheerio! My name is Pip, I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our town to little bits. ** Who: Pip ** Source: [[South Park]] ** Note: Said to Mecha-Streisand who promptly crushes him. * How did he survive the car bomb? ...How? [broods, and then realizes] HE'S SUPERMAN! ** Who: Detective Kurt Bowman ** Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' ** Notes : Bowan is about to be executed for murder, after Superman and Lois Lane find that Bowan had framed another suspect. Wondering how Clark Kent survived a car bomb that Bowan rigged, he realizes that Kent is Superman just before the executioner pulled the lever, killing Bowman offscreen. * ('''Raph''': Yes! You did it, Sensei. (You ended the Shredder!)) My family. (I couldn't have done it without you.) ** Who: Hamato Yoshi ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** Note: He succeeds in seemingly defeating the Super Shredder during a climactic battle on a tall hotel building's rooftop, but is once again killed by the Super Shredder during a battle, when Super Shredder impales him with his mutated claws and throws him off a rooftop. The grieving Turtles bury him at the O'Neil farmhouse. * And now you die! ** Who: Oroku Saki ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** Note: Leonardo rises and fend off Super Shredder with a powerful assault of blows before retrieving his katana. Now armed, both and Leonardo and Super Shredder charge in the air at each other and Leo strikes Super Shredder with fatal blow before the two vanish within the flames. The mansion becomes engulfed in fire and the rest of the Turtles, April, and Casey wait below, worried for Leonardo. An injured Leo suddenly appears with the mutated Kuro Kabuto in hand and declares that the Shredder is finished before dropping it to the ground. * You were the best friend I ever had. ** Who: Terra ** Source: ''[[Teen Titans]]'' ** Note: After betraying the Titans and becoming Slade's apprentice, Terra has seen the error of her ways and has decided to rejoin the team. In the course of fighting Slade, however, she has set of a volcanic eruption that threatens to destroy all of Jump City, and must sacrifice herself to stop the explosion. She speaks the above line to Beast Boy just before sacrificing herself and becoming a statue. In the series finale, "Things Change", she has seemingly been resurrected, albeit with no memory from her past life. * Oh no! This looks like the end! * Who: Uncle Grandpa ** Source: ''{{w|Uncle Grandpa}}'' ** Note: Mr. Gus feels so enlightened by his future endeavors and Uncle Grandpa agrees as he slides a big piece of bread over and tells them it's sandwich time and pushes everyone in and makes them a sandwich, Mr. Gus wonders why and it's for "him". A giant Ham Sandwich arrives and says GOOD MORNING UNCLE GRANDPAS, GIVE ME FLAVORS! Everyone freaks out as Ham Sandwich grabs hold of the sandwich and begins to eat it and Uncle Grandpa believes that this is the end, and his dreams. * Yes... it's here, it's here! ** Who: David the Gnome ** Source: ''[[w:The World of David the Gnome|The World of David the Gnome]]'' ** Note: In the series finale "The Mountains of Beyond", David, his wife Lisa and Casper (all three about to reach the end of their time on Earth) ascend the Blue Mountains to pass away and become trees. David says this in response to Casper saying that their time has come, just before he and Lisa die and their bodies become intertwined apple trees. * Goodbye, my friend. ** Who: Ship ** Source: ''X-Men: The Animated Series'', Episode "Obsession" ** Note: Ship is a sentient ship who was not actually named. === ''[[Amphibia]]'' === * Hey Anne, maybe you're better off without me. ** Who: Sasha Waybright ** Note: Said this to Anne before sacrificing herself to help her get back on the collapsing Toad Tower roof, by falling to her death in the Season 1 finale. Eventually, Grime saves her and takes her to the abandoned windmill. It is unknown how she survived in the episode "Toadcatcher". * I'm sorry... for everything. ** Who: Marcy Wu ** Note: Said this to Anne and the Plantar's after King Andras impales her to stop her from opening the portal back to Earth in the Season 2 finale. Then, King Andras forces General Yunan and Lady Olivia to take her to the rejuvenation tank to heal her pain and revive her. * Polly, I'll save you! ** Who: Frobo ** Note: Gets crushed by King Andrias. Polly later rebuilds him on Earth. * Self-destruct in T-minus 10, 9... ** Who: Cloak-Bot ** Note: Came close to self-destruction which nearly led to killing Anne, her parents, and the Plantars; fortunately, she activates her Calamity Box powers and kicks it far into Earth's orbit, allowing it to explode and leave them safe and sound. * What... what is this?! Huh?! ** Who: Marcy Wu ** Note: Said this before getting corrupted by The Core at the end of "Olivia and Yunan". * My connection! You fool! Do you have any idea what you've done?!! NOOO! '''''NOOOOOO!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!''''' ** Who: Darcy ** Note: Sasha cuts the cord connecting to her helmet, causing the Core to lose all power and free Marcy from its control. However, the Core still exists in the helmet and escapes. * Well put. You dare use Amphibia's greatest treasure against us? ** Who: King Aldrich/The Core ** Source: Anne taps into the power of all three Calamity Gems to destroy the moon and the Core for good, costing her own life in the process. * Don't cry, Sprig. It's okay. Saving this world was the best decision I've ever made. My only regret is that... I never... got to see ''Love Choice 2''. ** Who: Anne Boonchuy ** Notes: Ends up dying after using the power of all three gems to destroy the Core, saving Amphibia. She ascends to an astral plane where she meets up with a guardian taking on the form of her cat Domino, who reveals she's neither dead nor alive due to creating a copy of her body before she passed on, wants her to take her place, but Anne refuses and is restored back to life. === ''{{w|Arcane (TV series)|Arcane}}'' === * You won't be coming back for a long time. ''[Vander: I know.]'' Why? ''[Vander: It's the only way.]'' ** Who: Grayson ** Source: "The Base Violence Necessary for Change" [Ep. 3] ** Note: As Grayson arrests and escorts Vander out of Benzo's shop, she and other enforcers were suddenly killed by the shimmer-crazed creature which was once Deckard. * Silco? You animal. Go crawl back to whatever hole you came out of! ** Who: Benzo ** Source: "The Base Violence Necessary for Change" [Ep. 3] ** Note: Immediately after Grayson's death, crime kingpin Silco reveals himself. Benzo steps forward to attack him, but Deckard emerges once again to kill Benzo with inhuman strength and speed. * ''[Vi: Mylo.]'' On it. ** Who: Mylo ** Source: "The Base Violence Necessary for Change" [Ep. 3] ** Note: As Vi, Mylo, and Claggor sneak into Silco's abandoned workshop to rescue Vander, they realize too late that they are trapped by Silco and his men. Powder then arrives outside the workshop, inserts multiple hex crystals into a cymbal-banging monkey toy and explodes inside the workshop. One of the crystals ricochets into the ceiling, propelling metal shrapnel into Mylo and Claggor's bodies and burying them under debris as the roof collapses on top of them. * We're gonna get you out. ** Who: Claggor ** Source: "The Base Violence Necessary for Change" [Ep. 3] ** Note: Immediately after Powder's monkey bomb explodes, one of the crystals ricochets into the ceiling, propelling metal shrapnel into Mylo and Claggor's bodies and burying them under debris as the roof collapses on top of them. * Take care of Powder. ** Who: Vander ** Source: "The Base Violence Necessary for Change" [Ep. 3] ** Note: After being mortally wounded by Silco and pushed off the catwalk, Vander reappears, now transformed by shimmer and much larger than Deckard. Vander uses the last of his strength to save Vi from the collapsing building caused by Powder's arcane crystal bomb. He urges an emotionally devastated Vi to "take care of Powder" before dying. * Today's the day you die, Silco. ** Who: Finn ** Source: "The Monster You Created" [Ep. 9] ** Note: After Jayce led a raid on one of Renni's factories and accidentally killed her son in the process, Finn secretly allied himself with Renni and finally attempted to overthrow Silco with her support. However, his coup attempt failed due to Sevika, who tricked him into thinking she was on his side and slit his throat with a retractable blade concealed in her prosthetic arm, killing him on the spot. * I never would have given you to them. Not for anything. Don't cry. You're perfect. ** Who: Silco ** Source: "The Monster You Created" [Ep. 9] ** Note: After Vi is knocked unconscious by Jinx, she awakens restrained at a table with Silco and Caitlyn also tied up. Jinx gives Vi a pistol, telling her to choose between Caitlyn and herself. Vi refuses and appeals to her childhood memories, causing Jinx to suffer a traumatic attack. Silco breaks free and almost shoots Vi before Jinx, in a manic fit, guns him down. Silco reaffirms his love for her before dying in her arms. === ''[[w:Aura Battler Dunbine|Aura Battler Dunbine]]'' === *Looks like some sort of a motorized glider. ''(takes a hit and his Aura Battler plummets)'' I'm hit! What should I do? ** Who: Tokamk Robskiy ** Note: A Russian Aura Battler pilot. In his sortie battle, he is shot down and fails to stop his fall crashing to his death. *You must get us safely back home! Those are Bern's men! ** Who: Carlo Given ** Note: Nie's mother. Having learned of Drake's plans, she attempts to get back to her home to warn her husband but spots Bern's soldiers. Sadly, her carriage carrying herself and Tsuo is destroyed killing them. * Sho! ''(Sho Zama: Todd.)'' Knew you'd figured someway of turning this all into a good dream. ''(Sho: You honestly think this is a good dream? Well then dream on!)'' Mama... ** Who: Todd Guiness ** Note: Said after Sho Zama overloads his Aura power and runs his Vierres through. Todd thinks of his mother before his Aura Battler explodes, killing him. * You must not allow Riml to kill her parents... ** Who: Elle Humm ** Note: Said after absorbing Bern Bennings' evil aura to a lethal dosage. She then collapses dead. * Goodbye mother! ** Who: Riml Luft ** Note: Said to her mother, Luuza hoping to bring an end to the war. But her mother is quicker and shoots her in the head. Her death brings sadness to her lover, Nie Given. * I do not recall giving a stranger like you permission to address me like that! I'm a royal Luft! I am Luuza Luft! ** Who: Luuza Luft ** Note: Said after shooting her own daughter, and warning this to Nie who in turn blasts her to death with Botune fire. * NIE! ** Who: Keen Kiss ** Note: Said when Muisy Por fires her Bubuly guns at her. She cries this to Nie Given before her Botune blows up. * Muisy ** Who: Shot Weapon * My love... ** Who: Muisy Por ** Note: Both cry out to one another when the Double Aura Shot cripples the Spriggan and Muisy's Bubably. They both perish in the explosion together. * Oh Sho, would it have been so hard for you to tell me that you loved me? ** Who: Marvel Frozen ** Note: Said after being injured by Black Knight Burn's Galava sword and insisting he take out Drake Luft. She dies clutching her injury while the Dunbine explodes. * Nie Given! ARGH! That I would be struck down by you! ** Who: Drake Luft ** Note: Said when Nie Given gives a fatal blow to the Bull Beggar, as the former blames Drake for all the suffering he has caused. Drake is killed in his ship's explosion. * Keen, DRAKE'S GONE! ** Who: Nie Given ** Note: Said after successfully killing Drake, but is then blasted by the Drumlo fleet along with his Botune. * You have done well this day, Nie... People of Byston Well, it is time that we return home! ** Who: Ciela Lapana ** Note: Said just as the Guran Galan rams the Will Wipps killing her physical body. Her spirit is later able to guide the souls of those lost in the final battle back to Byston Well. * Powerful arch-villainy! ''(blasts the Billbine's cockpit)'' And knowing I've won. Sho wait! ** Who: Bern Bennings/Black Knight ** Note: Said during his final duel with Sho. With their Aura Battlers damaged, Bern and Sho run one another through with their swords. * I won't kill the man! ''(draws his sword, as does Bern)'' I will only kill the Malice! ''(both run each other through with their swords)'' Ciela Lapana, now our worlds are... purified... ** Who: Sho Zama ** Note: Said at the conclusion of his final fight with Bern. They both die just as Ciela Lapana's spirit purges the Aura Battlers and the remains of the battleships bringing the final battle to a close. === ''[[Big City Greens]]'' === * I shouldn't have... put off those... swimming lessons!!! ** Who: Sea Fusïon waiter ** Notes: After Bill confronts him over treating him like he doesn't belong in Big City and he's proud to be who he is now, Gramma accidentally smashes open one of the tanks which bursts open and floods the restaurant, taking the waiter out to sea with it. * I'm a better shot with this, anyway. ('''Nancy:''' WAIT! DON'T! ('''Gramma:''' Hey, pretzel thief!) Huh? ('''Gramma:''' You messed with the wrong Gramma! For I am '''''THE BIRD QUEEN!!''''') Ah-ah-ah, hey!! AHHHHHH!!! ** Who: Lifeguard ** Notes: Comes close to nearly killing Cricket with a harpoon thanks to his shark prank leading him to believe there's a real shark in the water. Gramma shows up with seagulls last-minute, saving her grandson's life and taking the lifeguard far out to sea. *He's finally arrived... *King Dingles! *That's it, Dingles! **Who: Doug and the gnomes **Notes: Last known words of the gnomes aside their King Dingles, before being turned into stew and eaten by Gramma when Cricket saves her dream. *If she can pull that off... *That would change my mind! **Who: Two-Headed Business Cow **Notes: Ceases to exist after Cricket changes Tilly's dream back to normal. *A fleet of man?! **Who: Kludge Bill Green **Notes: Is turned back into the human version of Bill driving the Kludge, thanks to Cricket saving his dream. *I LOVE -- **Who: Gnome King Dingles **Notes: Gets turned into stew along with the rest of the gnomes in Gramma's dream, and is eventually eaten. * Ha-ha! Too late! You just got... ZAMWOPPLED! ** Who: Puppy Benny ** Notes: Gets turned into an ordinary puppy thanks to Cricket saving Tilly's dream. *You're darn tootin'. Watch this! (Bill) *Why don't we sit down over tea and talk this through? (Gramma) *I don't feel so good... (Cricket) **Who: The Flawless Green family **Notes: Tilly has her family participate as part of Gwendolyn Zap's "Flawless You" project to remove the flaws from their memories to make them perfect. However, it causes them to behave more zombie like, thus she refuses to accept them and frees the family's backup copies. When one of Tilly's flaws tries to be erased, the system rejects and resets with everyone inside; the flawless-turned Greens were pixelated out of existence. *WHY YOU...!!! Oh... ** Who: Chip Whistler ** Notes: Slung out of Big City on his own helicopter to parts unknown. === ''[[w:Black Butler|Black Butler]]'' === ==== Book of Circus ==== * No! Stay away from me! ** Who: Cedric Brandel ** Notes: A supposed tea maker who in fact happens to be a gun runner, Cedric Brandel is found out and tries to plead with Sebastian Michaelis, but Ciel reminds him when he is caught, "dead men tell no tales", and Brandel is overwhelmed by Sebastian's shadows and executed. * Peter, Wendy, there's something wrong with this place! Get outta here while you still can! ** Who: Jumbo ** Notes: Attempting to sneak into the Phantomhive Manor to kidnap Ciel, Jumbo is ambushed by Finnian and killed. * He's some kinda monster! ** Who: Wendy ** Notes: She spots Finnian's superhuman speed, then she and Peter attempt a joint attack to cut through Finnian, but an unseen Mey-Rin shoots Wendy in the head. * Hold on now. Is it possible? Roof full of rifles or not, random shooting wouldn't work at that range. This is bad! ** Who: Peter ** Notes: After having been spotting trying to break into the Phantomhive Manor, Peter tries to escape by swinging to safety, but Mey-Rin sees him in the night and kills him in a single shot. * I just wanted to take you o... over the hill... ** Who: Dagger ** Notes: Caught in Baldroy's kitchen, Dagger is riddled by Baldroy's machine gun trying to keep Beast safe. In his dying breaths, he tells Beast he wanted to take her over the hill. * Joker... ** Who: Beast ** Notes: After she unknowlingly spreads flammable powder in the Phantomhive kitchen, Baldroy ignites as Beast calls out to Joker, before being blown up. === ''Black Cat'' === * Now I'd like to take a moment to make an important announcement. Allow me to introduce to you all my beautiful fiancée, Joanna. We're going to be married next month in a traditional wedding ceremony; And you're all invited to be our guests! I'm sure that like our love, the peace in the city will last forever! I can only promise you one thing: LIB TYRANT WILL ALWAYS A GOVERNOR FOR THE PEOPLE! ** Who: Lib Tyrant ** Note: Said during one of his speeches as he announces engagement to Joanna to govern Braccio City. Later however, during an inaudible speech, Train Heartnet sneaks behind him saying "I've come to deliver some back luck." then shoots him in the chest. Lib falls dead despite Sven's attempt to arrest him. * Die, DIIIIIIIIIE! ** Who: Race Donovan ** Note: Lib Tyrant's bodyguard. He says this trying to avenge his murdered boss, but Train Heartnet pins him to a tree with his own boomerang. Creed Diskenth then sadistically pierces his own boomerang into the bodyguard. === ''[[w:Black Lagoon|Black Lagoon]]'' === * Once they're clear, we'll nail them with a single shot. We're gonna put an end to this dual, once an for all. You're about to get fucked, baby!!! ** Who: The Captain ** Note: Character was a mercenary who was paid to take out the Lagoon Company using an assault helicopter. He mistook them heading towards a sunken ship as them trying to take cover. In the end they ended up using it to launch their boat into the air, and fired a torpedo into his helicopter, killing him. * Never mind, there must be some kind of misunderstanding here. I don't know what kind pathetic rumor is floating around town. If we just sit down over lunch you'll see that there is a perfectly good explanation. It's plain to see. ** Who: Mr. Chin ** Note: Character had tried to betray and destroy the Lagoon Company in an effort to weaken Balalaika's interests. She strapped him to a chair in a room with C4 charges and gasoline. * You fucking c- ** Who: Fritz Stanford ** Note: Character was a Neo-Nazi with apparent delusions of grandeur. After a long winded rant about the structure of his gun, Revy shot him out of sheer annoyance. * Alfred, you bastard! First, you set me up in this disgrace, and then you betray me? ** Who: Ratchman ** Note: The leader of the Neo-Nazi group, Ratchman is a coward who is killed by both Revy and Dutch. * You're funny, lady. But what are you talking about? I'm not gonna die. I can't die, because... I've killed so many people in my life. We've killed many, many, many, many people. It means we get to live for that much longer. We can... we can add on to our lives. So we're never going to die. That's right. We are eternal. ** Who: Hansel ** Note: Character was one of two homicidal twin children who had been paid to kill Balalaika. However, when he approached Balalaika, Hansel was shot through the leg and had his arm shot off by snipers. Balalaika admitted it would only be fair for her to torture him, but that she was not as depraved as he was. She watched him bleed out instead. * It's beautiful, the sky... ** Who: Gretel ** Note: Character was a homicidal young girl who had paid the Lagoon Company to escort her to safety. However, their contact had been paid off by Hotel Moscow and he shot her through the head as soon as she left the boat, much to Rock's horror. Her last words refer to the sea sky which she claimed to have never seen prior to that point. * Shucks, I sure do get a kick out of playing chase with a young lady like yourself, but these old legs can't kee p this up much longer. Why don't you give up? I promise I'll just toast you lightly. I'll make it quick. My wife didn't even take five minutes to cook. I'll be happy as I can be once I get a wiff of your skin starting to char. And would you just look at t his weather we've been getting. It's the perfect day for a barbecue. ** Who: Claude "Torch" Weaver ** Note: Character was a pyromaniac mercenary hired to recover Jane. Revy shot him through the chest and caused the gas tank for his flame thrower to explo de. * YOU'RE CIA!!! ** Who: Russell ** Note: A surprisingly skilled member of a Florida based crime family, Russell lost to Eda in a dual in the engine room of the Lagoon. It appears that she may have been willing to let him live, but he began rambling about having seen her once before in DC. She responded by telling him that her real place of birth was "actually Langley, Virginia," which is the location of CIA headquarters. * You're evil! You're the devil! ** Who: Chaka ** Note: Character was an arrogant enforcer of the Washimine Group who fancied himself to be a high class gunman. He intended to had a shootout with Revy, but she refused and instead left him to fight Genji. Genji cut through Chaka's bullet, revolver, and arms, and then pushed him into a nearby swimm ing pool. His last words were shouted shortly before Genji pushed him underwater with the end of his sword's sheath. * Yukio- ** Who: Genji Matsuzaki ** Note: Character was distracted by his master (Yukio) before he could carry out the final blow in h is fight with Revy. She used her leg to block his sword, and used the opening to shoot him. * Now that I've woken up, I've realized... your city doesn't have a place for me. I apologize for having troubled you. I think it's best that I bring all of this to an end now. ** Who: Yukio Washimine ** Note: Character had realized that she was not fit to inherit the crime family of her father, but with her bodyguard dead and faced with no future, she committed suicide by stabbing Genji's sword through her throat. === ''[[w:Bleach (anime)|Bleach]]'' === * Ichigo! Don't! ** Who: Masaki Kurosaki ** Source: "June 17, Memories in the Rain" [Ep. 8] ** Note: In the flashback. She calls out to her son Ichigo as he runs after a girl whom he believes will jump in the river. The girl turns out to be the Hollow Grand Fisher's lure, and Masaki sacrifices herself to save Ichigo from the hollow Grand Fisher. * Kuchiki, I put you in risk by making you withstand my selfishness. Sorry, it surely was hard. Still, thank you... thanks to you, I can leave my heart here... ** Who: Kaien Shiba ** Source: "Rukia's Nightmare" [Ep. 49] ** Note: In the flashback. He had fought with a Hollow that had killed his wife, but was possessed by it, forcing Rukia to kill him. He regains his original self in his final moments before dying of his wounds. * The years I spent with you were like a dream... Byakuya... ** Who: Hisana Kuchiki ** Source: "Gather Together! Group of the Strongest Shinigami!" [Ep. 62] ** Note: In the flashback. She is dying of a disease, and asks her husband Byakuya to find her younger sister Rukia, but not tell her that she is her sister, and instead be her older brother. * No, it can't be... ** Who: Ryo Utagawa ** Source: "Crashing force! Fried vs. Zangetsu" [Ep. 76] ** Notes: A Bount seeking to betray Jin Kariya and take over, he is caught on by Maki Ichinose, who kills him. As he dies, Utagawa curses his work. * Thank you... last, proud Quincy... ** Who: Yoshino Sōma ** Source: "Yoshino's Decision of Death" [Ep. 79] ** Note: Said after being killed by Kariya. * Help me, please! Ritze, no! ** Who: Mabashi ** Source: "Suì-Fēng Dies? The Last of the Special Forces" [Ep. 100] ** Notes: A Bount who uses Ritze to mind control enemies, Sui-Feng hits him on the Homonka. With Suzumebachi's poison turning Ritze against him, Mabashi pleads with his Doll, but crumbles to dust, freeing his victims. * Spare me and I will tell you everything! [Mayuri: Oh my. How pathetic] He... help me... [Mayuri: Unfortunately, I find I am no longer interested in you so...] Help me... Oh no! ** Who: Sawatari ** Source: "Mayuri's Bankai!! Sawatari・Clash of the Demon" [Ep. 101] ** Notes: The Bount with the ability to enter into alternate spaces, Sawatari is poisoned by Konjiki Ashisogi Jizō, and attempts to plead with Mayuri, but the poison quickly kills him. * I guess you win, and I lose. Can't say it wasn't fun... ** Who: Yoshi ** Source: "Ishida, exceeding the limits to attack!" [Ep. 103] ** Notes: The Bount with the ability to switch her Nieder doll between offensive and defensive modes, Yoshi is eventually pierced by Uryu's Quincy arrow. As she dies, Yoshi admits her duel with the Quincy was fun. * Thank you. I'm glad you were with me to the end... ** Who: Dalk ** Source: "10th Division's Death Struggle! The Release of Hyōrinmaru" [Ep. 104] ** Notes: The Doll of Go Koga able to shift her form, after being shattered to pieces by Hyorinmaru, Dalk thanks her master for being with her. She is reduced to her core, a hand axe for Koga to use. * Ka... riya! ** Who: Maki Ichinose ** Source: "The Swung-Down Edge! The Moment of Ruin" [Ep. 106] ** Notes: A former member of Squad 11, Maki Ichinose realizes his ally, Jin Kariya intends to use his power for revenge, and tries to stop him, but the Bount uses his wind powers to skewer Ichinose. * I guess it's all over with now. I am a little disappointed. I suppose I won't get to see, whether or not you walk down the same path that I have. Ichigo... I... ** Who: Jin Kariya ** Source: "The Wailing Bount! The Last Clash" [Ep. 108] ** Notes: The leader of the Bounts. After his final fight with Ichigo, he then mourns the fact he won't be able to see if he walks down his path, then crumbles into dust. * Tough luck for you, Shinigami! The sky is my domain. It's where my true strength lies. A sword that can freeze the ground isn't worth much up here. Die!! ** Who: Di Roy Rinker ** Source: "Rukia's Battle Commences! The Freezing White Blade" [Ep. 117] ** Note: He evaded a move that froze a circle of ground made by Rukia Kuchiki by taking to the sky and was preparing an attack of his own when he was cut off, frozen in a pillar that the frozen circle instantly created in the entire area above it. * Ikkaku Madarame, huh? I'm glad I asked for his name... ** Who: Edrad Liones ** Source: "Ikkaku's Bankai! The Power that Breaks Everything" [Ep. 118] ** Note: Said after being grievously wounded in his fight with Ikkaku. He is referring to Ikkaku's preference of introducing himself to those he kills. * Retreat! Retreat for now! ** Who: Shawlong Koufang ** Source: "Clash! The Person Who Protects vs. The Person Who Suffers" [Ep. 121] ** Note: He realizes that the soul Reaper fighting him and his fellow Arrancar have released the limits placed on them, returning to full power in the process. His opponent, Hitsugaya, tells him that he will not let him escape, and kills him with his Zanpakutō. * You've been wasting your time on someone like this? (sees ice building onto him) Impossible! No, it can't! ** Who: Menis ** Source: "Battle of bad faith, Aizen's trap" [Ep. 137] ** Notes: After losing to Toshiro, Menis attempts to warn his boss Patros, but is frozen by Hyorinmaru's ice and shattered to pieces. * This is terrible. Patros... I wish you never took you up on your... on your... offer... ** Who: Aldegor ** Source: "Battle of bad faith, Aizen's trap" [Ep. 137] ** Notes: Beaten by Ikkaku, the Arrancar Aldegor dies knowing he should have rejected Patros's offer to rebel against Aizen. * Damn it! It can't end like this! ** Who: Patros ** Source: "Battle of bad faith, Aizen's trap" [Ep. 137] ** Notes: The leader of the anti-Aizen Arrancars, Patros attempts to use his attacks rapidly on Renji, Ririn, Kurodo and Noba. In the end, Renji has Hihio Zabimaru give a powerful blast that vaporizes Patros, as he curses these words. * Grimmjow, you bastard...! ** Who: Luppi Antenor ** Source: "Grimmjow Revived" [Ep. 143] ** Note: He was aghast when Orihime is able to healing Grimmjow. As then, Grimmjow stabs Luppi with his newly healed arm and finishes off Luppi off with his Cero. * Leave your chocolate behind and become a demon, niño. Just as strong as a demon and just as wicked. You must realize that... the only way to stand up to the coldhearted is to become coldhearted yourself. Because if you don't, niño... ** Who: Dordoni Alessandro del Socacio ** Source: "The Devilish Research! Szayelaporro's Plan" [Ep. 153] ** Note: He had hoped to return to the Espada, and forced Ichigo to fight him at full power so that he could defeat him at full power and prove his worth. Ichigo defeated him, but allowed Nel to heal his wounds, an act Dordoni considered "full of chocolate" (naive). Dordoni stays behind to hold off the Exequias and allow Ichigo to escape, thinking these thoughts to Ichigo before dying. * Dammit...!! ** Who: Cirucci Sanderwicci ** Source: "Ishida's Trump Card, the Cutter of Souls" [Ep. 157] ** Note: She fought against Uryū, who defeated her and stripped her of her powers. She is referring to him sparing her life as she mutters her last words, before being taken away and killed by the Exequias. * Why does this hurt so much!? It hurts!! It hurts so much!! I don't want to die! I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't... nononononononono... * Damn it... this can't be happening... I refuse... to accept... this... ** Who: Aaroniero Arruruerie ** Source: "Testament, Your Heart is Right Here..." [Ep. 160] ** Note: He has been stabbed through the glass jar containing his heads by Rukia. The bottom head begins to yell for Sōsuke Aizen's help and feels betrayed since Aizen promised him that there would be no more pain. The top head curses Rukia before cracking in half and the both of them die. * No way... the 4th?! What... ** Who: Ichigo Kurosaki ** Source: "Szayelaporro Laughs, The Net Trapping Renji is Complete" [Ep. 162] ** Note: He was stabbed by Ulquiorra after Ulquiorra revealing his rank as Ulquiorra left him to die. But he was later revived by Orihime. * I won't forgive you for that. The fact is I'm a lot stronger than you think! ''(Jinnai's Bakkoto begins to overload)'' What is this thing?! I'm burning up inside! ** Who: Jinnai Doko ** Source: "The Reversal of Rukia, the Rampaging Blade" [Ep. 177] ** Note: One of Gyokaku Komoi's assassins sent to hunt down Rurichiyo. Hit by Rukia's Kido attack, Jinnai attempts to power his Bakkoto up, but it overloads and he is burned alive. * Kakuyoku! Give me your power! ** Who: Genga ** Source: "The Reversal of Rukia, the Rampaging Blade" [Ep. 177] ** Note: One of Gyokaku Komoi's assassins sent to hunt down Rurichiyo. User of the Kakuyoku Bakkoto, Genga attempts to call upon his Bakkoto to hopefully kill Chad, but is vaporized. * Just shut up, Soul Reaper! You know nothing! My power is limitless! This Bakkoto is the instrument that will destroy YOU, not me! ** Who: Hanza Nukui ** Source: "The Nightmare Which is Shown, Ichigo's Inside the Mirror" [Ep. 178] ** Notes: Leader of the assassination squad under Gyōkaku Kumoi, Hanza begins to overload his Bakkoto, Saiga and gloats how it will destroy him, but the sword destroys him. * Yes. They're dead as well. ''(Kumoi: Yes. I should've thought things out.)'' This blade... is quite taxing. The power of the Bakkoto was too much for Hanza and my brothers. Only I survived. Next time, I will take Nukui Hanza's place. ''(Kumoi: Step down.)'' Why?! ''(Kumoi: I cannot be bothered by the likes of you.)'' You! ** Who: Ryu Kuzu ** Source: "The Nightmare Which is Shown, Ichigo's Inside the Mirror" [Ep. 178] ** Notes: The assassin reporting the deaths of Hanza and his brothers to Kumoi, Ryu Kuzu learns he is dismissed, and attempts to kill Kumoi, but is struck down by Kibune. * YOU CAN'T WIN! NEVER! I WILL WIN! ** Who: Makoto Kibune ** Source: "Ice and Flame! Fierce Fight of Amagai vs. Hitsugaya" [Ep. 185] ** Notes: A mad Soul Reaper who desires power. Using his Bakkoto in conjunction with his Reppu Zanpakuto, Makoto yells he would win, but Izuru Kira cuts through him, then the Bakkoto kills Kibune. * Tell me why. I followed orders, I did everything you asked of me. I don't understand, why did you betray me? ** Who: Gyōkaku Kumoi ** Source: "Sortie Orders! Suppress the House of Kasumiōji" [Ep. 186] ** Note: One of the men behind the Kasumioji conspiracy, Kumoi intends to execute Rurichiyo, but his killed by his partner, Shusuke Amagai. Close to his dying breath, Kumoi demands why Shusuke double crossed him. * Kira, I'm sorry for dragging you into a terrible situation. I had a lot of fun with you guys. Goodbye. ** Who: Shūsuke Amagai ** Source: "The Fallen Shinigami's Pride" [Ep. 189] ** Note: He rises and pierces his own sword into the ground. He is engulfed into flames, slowly killing him. * Nnoitra... ** Who: Tesra Lindocruz ** Source: "Joining the Battle! The Strongest Shinigami Army Appears" [Ep. 196] ** Note: He was Nnoitra's fracción and tried to intervene and protect him when Kenpachi Zaraki appeared to fight him, only to be instantly slashed. He did not actually die until the battle between Nnoitra and Kenpachi, which took place anyway, ended with Nnoitra dead on the floor. * Banzai!! Banzai!! Aizen, banzai!! ** Who: Zommari Rureaux ** Source: "The Two Scientists, Mayuri's Trap" [Ep. 198] ** Note: He, who was typically calm and composed, becomes enraged as Byakuya Kuchiki consistently outwits him. After he suggests that Shinigami arrogantly enforce their code of justice on others, Byakuya replies that he is only killing him for trying to kill Rukia, and slashes him. He says these lines before he dies. * How long must I agonize before this blade puts me out of my misery? Quickly quickly quickly quickly quickly quickly quickly quickly free me from this torment! ** Who: Szayelaporro Granz ** Source: "The Hardest Body!? Cut Down Nnoitra!" [Ep. 200] ** Note: He has been stabbed by Mayuri Kurotsuchi after being poisoned with an undiluted dose of a drug that speeds up reflexes. While the stab would normally kill him almost instantly, with the drug in effect, Szayel feels the pain of being stabbed for what seems like hundreds of years. * Oh back off... Every one of them... They all have the gall to take pity on me... and they don't even know... how much they're hurting me by doin' it. Strong, weak, infant, monster... I just smash 'em all to pieces... I don't give them a chance to get up a second time. I don't... ** Who: Nnoitra Gilga ** Source: "Karakura Town Gathers! Aizen Versus Shinigami" [Ep. 203] ** Note: He had lost to Kenpachi Zaraki, but Kenpachi refused to finish him off, stating that he did not want to fight someone who was almost dead and no longer able to fight back. After recalling Nel saving his life and refusing to leave him because she considered him reckless and weaker than her, he charges Kenpachi while thinking these thoughts, but is killed in one blow. * You're quite a guy. ** Who: Charlotte Chuhlhourne ** Source: "Kira, The Battle Within Despair" [Ep. 218] ** Note: He presumably dies from having his spiritual pressure drained by Yumichika. He says this in response to Yumichika telling him that he kept his zanpakuto's power a secret in order to fit in with the 11th Division, and was willing to die before letting someone see it. * W-wait! ** Who: Abirama Redder ** Source: "Kira, The Battle Within Despair" [Ep. 218] ** Note: He, who claimed to enjoy battle, has been pinned down by Izuru Kira's zanpakuto's ability, which makes his wings too heavy for him to fly. Izuru then tells him that he considers war full of despair, and prepares to behead him. Abirama says this line while attempting to beg for mercy, and Izuru tells him that "A warrior does not beg for his life" before decapitating him, then noting that he hopes he is not forgiven for what he has done. * AAAAAAAAAAH! TAKE THIIIIIIS!! ** Who: Findorr Callius ** Source: "Hisagi's Shikai! The Name is..." [Ep. 219] ** Note: He had become more powerful throughout the fight by chipping away his Hollow mask, and chided Shuhei Hisagi for being "afraid" of his zanpakuto. Despite raising his power to that of a captain, Hisagi manages to slice off his claw and kills him. * Wha...What is... this thing? What the... What on earth... are you?! ** Who: Choe Neng Poww ** Source: "Ikkaku Falls! The Shinigami's Crisis" [Ep. 220] ** Note: He had tried to attack Saijin Komamura with a Cero, but Komamura responded by summoning his bankai. Character says this line, and Komamura introduces himself and says that he is "a mere worm of a man," mirroring one of Poww's earlier insults. He then kills Poww with one hit of his bankai. * I see. Well, then, I'll just stretch your nose out. ** Who: Nirgge Parduoc ** Source: "A Miraculous Body! Ggio Releases" [Ep. 223] ** Note: He transformed, gaining elephant-like features, to fight Marechyio Ōmaeda, who managed to outpace him and injured him with his zanpakuto. Ōmaeda, believing that he has won, taunts Nirgge about his nose until he gets up. He says these lines before being hit and killed by a rock thrown from Suì-Fēng's fight with Ggio. * Damn you... ** Who: Ggio Vega ** Source: "A Miraculous Body! Ggio Releases" [Ep. 223] ** Note: After his opponent, Suì-Fēng, revealed that she had not fought to her full potential in order to gauge the effectiveness of an arrancar's Resurrecion, he transforms into his "battle form," but Suì-Fēng easily kills him with her zanpakuto's ability. * Why won't you respond? Your master's calling you... Mura... masa... ** Who: Koga Kuchiki ** Source: "Muramasa's True Identity Revealed" [Ep. 253] ** Notes: Byakuya's uncle who revolted against the Seireitei, Koga had been sealed away for years. In the present, after being defeated by Byakuya, Koga attempts to call Muramasa to his aid, but he did not realize he severed his ties with the Zanpakuto, and falls into the lake, dying as a result. * "I hope... Someday... ** Who: Muramasa ** Source: "Final Chapter·Zanpakutō Unknown Tales" [Ep. 255] ** Notes: A renegade Zanpakuto who nearly used Hollows to destroy Karakura Town, Muramasa is defeated by Ichigo in the end. He admits people all make errors and hopes wrongs can be righted before ceasing to exist. * I said scumbag! ** Who: Loly Aivirrne ** Source: "Hatred and Jealousy, Orihime's Dilemma" [Ep. 268] ** Note: She provokes Yammy, telling him she didn't want a scumbag like him to kill her. When he hears this, Yammy smashes her through the wall. Believing she is dead, he lets her seemingly lifeless body drop to the desert below. * I'm fighting because I have to win! ** Who: Ichigo Kurosaki ** Source: "Ichigo Dies! Orihime, the Cry of Sorrow!" [Ep. 271] ** Note: He was shot down by Ulquiorra's Cero Oscuras, and then, he was revived by his inner hollow, as a hollow, he mortally wounds Ulquiorra, and then revived. * Oh, I get it. This is it. This here in my hand. The heart... ** Who: Ulquiorra Cifer ** Source: "Ichigo vs. Ulquiorra, Conclusion!" [Ep. 272] ** Note: He had fought Ichigo, but some of his internal organs were destroyed when Ichigo lost control of himself to his inner hollow and blasted him with a Cero. He starts to fade into dust and asks Ichigo to kill him, but he refuses. He says these lines before dying. * I will kill you. With my own hands. I will make you regret giving me power. I am the king. I am god. I will never die. And I will hunt you for all eternity, Sōsuke Aizen. ** Who: Baraggan Luisenbarn ** Source: "Crown of Lies, Baraggan's Grudge" [Ep. 281] ** Note: Before he became an Arrancar, Baraggan was the ruler of Hueco Mundo. After Aizen dethroned him he swore revenge. His last act was to try and kill Aizen, but he died before he could do it. * Sorry, Aizen. Looks like I won't be able to repay you... ** Who: Coyote Starrk ** Source: "Starrk, the Lone Battle" [Ep. 283] ** Note: Because of his enormous power, Starrk had always been alone. He was grateful to Aizen for introducing him to people who could survive being in his presence, so he would no longer have to be alone. * S-Stark... ** Who: Lilynette Gingerbuck ** Source: "Starrk, the Lone Battle" [Ep. 283] ** Note: She was killed by Kyōraku alongside Starrk. * No world is without sacrifices. Doesn't he realize it? This sea of blood covered in ashes...we refer to this hell as the world. ** Who: Tier Harribel ** Source: "Chain of Sacrifice...Harribel's Past" [Ep. 284] ** Note: Upon seeing the defeat of the 2 higher ranking Espada, Aizen personally kills this character, on the grounds that she was too weak to be of much use to him. She attempts to stab him in self-defense, only to see that she has attacked an illusion. The real Aizen then appears behind her and cuts her down. * Hisagi, please show me more of your face. As I am still in my Hollowfication form, I am still able to see with my eyes. While I still can, I want to try and remember your face... ** Who: Kaname Tōsen ** Source: "Desperate Struggle with Aizen! Hirako, Shikai!" [Ep. 291] ** Note: He was defeated by Hisagi and Komamura. But before he can finish his sentence, Tōsen's body explodes, splattering blood all over Komamura and Hisagi. * Yes. Your gaze has grown strong. Now I can finally die and leave the rest to you. ** Who: Gin Ichimaru ** Source: "Sayonara...Rangiku" [Ep. 308] ** Note: Gin had failed to kill Aizen and was mortally wounded by him. Ichigo then appears and Gin notices the confidence in Ichigo's eyes, as opposed to the insecurity he saw earlier. * Why'd you come back, you stupid dog... ** Who: Yammy Llargo ** Source: "Ichigo's Resolution! The Price of the Fierce Battle" [Ep. 310] ** Note: While dying, Yammy's Hollow dog approaches him, and Yammy wonders why it followed him there. * SO WHY THEN? WHY ARE YOU SO STRONG?! ** Who: Ōko Yushima ** Source: "Invading Army Arc, Final Conclusion!" [Ep. 341] ** Note: The Project Spearhead leader from Squad 12. Angry that he has nothing to protect, he yells this while fighting Ichigo and is sliced through. He then fades leaving Kageroza and Nozomi. * Nozomi... Were we mistaken, misguided by our beliefs? ''(Nozomi: I don't know.)'' I see... ** Who: Kagerōza Inaba ** Source: "Invading Army Arc, Final Conclusion!" [Ep. 341] ** Note: A mod-soul who was once the 7th Seat of Squad 12. He tried to use the reigai clones to destroy the Soul Society. After the fusion of Yushima is broken, he asks Nozomi if they went down the wrong path. She doesn't know and Kagerōza says this before ceasing to exist. * I won't forget, after all, we'll always be... ** Who: Nozomi Kujō ** Source: "Invading Army Arc, Final Conclusion!" [Ep. 341] ** Note: A mod soul whom Kagerōza wanted to use to reactivate Yushima. After the battle, she gives one last hug to Kon and says this while fading away. When her Soul Candy crumbles, Kon finishes "Real friends, always and forever..." * This... Is... Impossi... ble.. ** Who: Giriko Kutsuzawa ** Source: "Fierce Fight! Shinigami vs. XCUTION!" [Ep. 363] ** Note: Giriko has just used his upgraded powers to transform into a more powerful form. Despite this, Kenpachi easily kills him with a single slash. * Say, Ichigo... if we were reversed... if we were... would we... ** Who: Kūgo Ginjō ** Source: "Changing History, Unchanging Heart" [Ep. 366] ** Note: He was killed by Ichigo Kurosaki. * Thank you, Shishigawara. Because of you, I was never alone. ** Who: Shūkurō Tsukishima ** Source: "Changing History, Unchanging Heart" [Ep. 366] ** Note: Shishigawara is carrying a mortally wounded Tsukishima on his back, telling him that, despite everything, he's not just going to abandon him. === ''[[w:The Boondocks (TV series)|The Boondocks]]'' === * Oh, but you got sh*t to do, n*gga, leave. I can die on my own, goddammit. ** Who: Nelly Ruckus ** Note: This was the last known thing she said, and to her son, Mister. She dies later. * I'll ''show'' you what part: It's yo' ass! Aaaah! My back! It's my old injury! ** Who: Mister Ruckus ** Note: Uncle Ruckus, Mister's adopted and disowned son, finally stands up to him at Grandma Nelly Ruckus' funeral, telling him to "shut the f**k up!" Mister, in retaliation to what Uncle just said to him, tries to hit him with his beer bottle, but his back, which had gotten beat up after so many years of abuse from the caucasians he hated, got the best of him and he falls on Nelly's grave, snapping his neck in the process. === ''[[Code Geass]]'' === * Death to... Britannia... Long live... Japan! ** Who: Takeshi Nagata ** Notes: A member of Ohgi's resistance transporting a capsule supposedly carrying poison gas, he is wounded, then he activates the truck's self-destruct killing himself. * Please! You can't! We may have different mothers, but you and I are still blood! [Lelouch: "You can't change the world without getting your hands dirty."] ** Who: Clovis la Britannia ** Note: Upon realizing that his half-brother is alive, Clovis begs for his life. However, Lelouch denies his request due to the fact that Clovis's death will spark a rebellion. * You're no hero! You're just trying to wash the blood of your hands! A little hero begging to be punished! ** Who: Mao ** Note: Facing off with Suzaku and Lelouch in a church, Mao mentally tortures Suzaku. Eventually, Lelouch silences Mao forever, then Mao is shot dead by C.C. who tells him to wait for her in C's world. * Suzaku, I'm so glad... ** Who: Euphemia li Britannia ** Note: After Zero accidentally gives the order "Kill the Japanese," he shoots her to end the massacre that follows. At her deathbed, Suzaku realizes that she isn't aware of the massacre that she started (due to effects of Geass), and as a result he lies and tells her that her actions to create an independent state of Japan were successful. * PRINCEEEEEEEEEESS!!! ** Who: Andreas Darlton ** Note: Commander of the Glaston Knights and subordinate of Cornelia, Darlton is used by Lelouch to deliver his princess to him. After Lelouch thanks his pawn, he uses the Gawain's cannon's to vaporize Darlton who cries out to the princess. * Protect Zero. He's our last hope, and hope is what our people need. Forgive me, Rakshata. ZERO! Save Japan! help our people to lift their heads again, and FIGHT! The Four Holy Swords, have proven our worth. ** Who: Kōsetsu Urabe ** Note: One of the Four Holy Swords of Zero, Urabe feeling defeat against the Vincent is unavoidable, uses the Gekka's sword to kill himself while imploring Zero to free Japan. * No! It can't be! ** Who: Calares ** Note: Viceroy of Area 11, with the detonated about to flatten the G-1 Base that he is in, Calares curses this then he is crushed. * That little wench doesn't matter. The absolute law is that Zero shall bring happiness to me. ** Who: Gao Hai ** Note: A Chinese Federation Eunuch, under the Geass influence, Gao Hai tells Xingke that Zero will bring him happiness, but Xingke brands him a traitor and executes him. * Goodbye, Eleven ace! (moves in for the kill but Kallen blocks it) It's blocked, at this close range?! ** Who: Alfred G. Darlton ** Note: One of Andreas' sons, Alfred attempts to take on Kallen with his Gloucester, but Kallen uses the Guren Mk-II to superheat Alfred and blows him up. * So it's okay, right, Lelou? That I fall in love with you again when I'm reborn? No matter... how many times... I'll... fall in love... with you. ** Who: Shirley Fenette ** Note: Rolo shoots and fatally wounds Shirley after she mentioned Nunnally to Rolo. Afterwards, Lelouch finds her and attempts to use his Geass on her, ordering her not to die. Regardless, she dies anyway. * Father, I let you down. Forgive me! ** Who: David T. Darlton ** Note: Despite holding his ground in his Knightmare Frame, Kallen hits David by surprise. Before he dies, he begs forgiveness from his father, Andreas. * My life... My life is taken... BY A LOWLY ELEVEN!? ** Who: Luciano Bradley ** Note: The Vampire of Brittania, Luciano gloats how in war he can be a hero. But when Kallen fries him and his Percival Knightmare Frame, Luciano cries in agony on how he could be killed by an Eleven. * Impossible! My Gareth! ** Who: Edgar N. Darlton ** Note: Another one of the Glaston Knights, Tohdoh cuts through Edgar's Gareth Knightmare. Edgar curses the defeat of his Gareth before being vaporized in the explosion. * Do you realize that if you reject the world that I offer, then you will inherit his world, Schneizel's world!!! Good and evil are on two sides of the same card, boy!!! Even knowing this, you still... [Lelouch: "No matter what, I will always reject the world you envision. BE GONE NOW!!!"] ** Who: Charles zi Britannia ** Note: While he and Marianne vi Britannia are being absorbed into C's world, Charles grabs Lelouch by the throat and warns Lelouch that if he refuses to live in the world he planned to create using the Ragnarok Connection, then what lies ahead will be a world controlled by Schneizel el Britannia, Lelouch's half-brother and the second prince of Britannia. However, Lelouch ignores his father's warning and uses his geass to erase both his parents' existence from the world. * Yes, I... destroy the world, and … create it... anew. ** Who: Lelouch Lamperouge (vi Britannia) ** Note: After forcefully gaining control of the world, and, in doing so, focusing all of the world's hatred upon himself, Lelouch is killed in an assassination attempt carried out by Suzaku. However, the assassination was, in fact, a plan by Lelouch himself in order to create worldwide peace with his death. His final words confirm Nunnaly's sudden realization of her brother's plan, The "Zero Requiem." Lelouch's death is left for the viewer to interpret as both the final lines of the show and the name of the season itself, (R2) implying that he may have become an immortal by sacrificing his Geass. * Brother, you're a liar. You lied... right? Saying stuff like wanting to kill me... that you hated me... [Lelouch: "I see. You saw through my lies. You are indeed my brother."] That's... right. I know... everything... about you... Brother. [Lelouch: "Yeah that's right. Your brother is a liar."] ** Who: Rolo Lamperouge ** Note: Rolo dies of heart failure due to the overuse of his Geass. In Rolo's final moments Lelouch lies to him in order to let him die in peace. === ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]'' === * I'm gonna need a little proof. Let's have a demonstration. ** Who: Bartender ** Source: "Asteroid Blues" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Character says this moments before being shot in the head by a team of hitmen sent to kill Asimov. * You idiot! If we lose these things, we're fragged! Do you understand?! ** Who: Asimov Solensan ** Source: "Asteroid Blues" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Character says this moments before killed by Katerina, who shoots him in the head just before their spaceship is destroyed by the police. * Adios... ** Who: Katerina Solensan ** Source: "Asteroid Blues" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Character says this to Spike right before she dies when their ship is destroyed in the shooting by the police at the barricade. * Sink them! Destroy all of them! ** Source: "Honky Tonk Women" [Ep. 3] ** Who: Gordon ** Note: Character says this moments before Faye uses {{w|chaff (countermeasure)|chaff}} to redirect numerous missiles from hitting her ship; one of which crashes into the main bridge with Gordon and his men in it. * She reversed polarity of one of the missiles! It's coming back around!! ** Source: "Honky Tonk Women" [Ep. 3] ** Who: One of Gordon's men ** Note: Character says this as one of Gordon's redirected missiles crashes into the main bridge of his ship. * Well, I didn't know the circus was in town! ** Who: Morgan ** Source: "Gateway Shuffle" [Ep. 4] ** Note: Character says this before being shot repeatedly to death by Twinkle Maria Murdoch's goons. * If Spike were here... you would never have done this... ** Who: Mao Yenrai ** Source: "Ballad of Fallen Angels" [Ep. 5] ** Note: Character says this after having his throat slit by Vicious's men. * Don't...don't be fooled by him... by the way he looks... ''[Spike: Don't talk! Try to stay alive!]'' Not me... He needs help now... help him... The stone... ** Who: Giraffe ** Source: "Sympathy for the Devil" [Ep. 6] ** Note: Character says this as he gives a gem-encrusted ring to Spike before dying. * I see... Yes, I can finally die at last... Ah, I feel so heavy... But I feel... I finally feel at ease. Do you understand? Do you understand? Do you...? ** Who: Wen ** Source: "Sympathy for the Devil" [Ep. 6] ** Note: Character says this after reverting back to his original old age, lying down on the ground before passing away. * I wonder... if I had met you earlier in my lifetime... do you think that we... would have been friends? ** Who: Roco Bonnaro ** Source: "Waltz for Venus" [Ep. 8] ** Note: Character says this before passing away from a gunshot wound. * Vicious, look out! ** Who: Lin ** Source: "Jupiter Jazz (Part 2)" [Ep. 13] ** Note: Character says this by taking a bullet from Gren protecting Vicious. * I get it now. You're the one, aren't you? You're Spike. Julia was always talking about you. Your eyes are different colors. I remember her saying that. Said you get a strange feeling if you keep looking straight into his eyes. ''[Spike: Where'd you meet her? Where was she?]'' Right on the corner bar stool. She'd slip in when I wasn't looking. And she'd ask me to play the same song every time she came in. Strange lilting tune, and then she would smile. Ohh, what a smile. So sad... so beautiful. ** Who: Gren ** Source: "Jupiter Jazz (Part 2)" [Ep. 13] ** Note: Spoken before dying slowly from his internal injury. * Checkmate... checkmate! ** Who: Chessmaster Hex ** Source: "Bohemian Rhapsody" [Ep. 14] ** Note: Character says this by winning his final game of chess against Ed before passing away of old age. * You're on your own, Whitney. Take care of yourself! ** Who: Doctor Bacchus ** Source: "My Funny Valentine" [Ep. 15] ** Note: Character says this as their ship explodes with Bacchus and Manley in it. * Bye bye, Whitney. ** Who: Miss Manley ** Source: "My Funny Valentine" [Ep. 15] ** Note: Character says this as their ship explodes with Bacchus and Manley in it. * You'll never pull it off, you know that. If you turn yourselves in, you can make it— ** Who: Pilot ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this before being shot repeatedly in the back by inmate Dig. * You tryin' to tell me what to do?! ''[aims his gun at Tucan]'' If you got a problem, then step right up! ''[Udai walks slowly towards him]'' You! ** Who: Dig ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this as Udai brings out a concealed knife off his sleeve to slash Dig's neck before he could shoot him. * ISSP wouldn't send one ship, they'd sent a squadron. ** Who: Elroy ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this when he locates a heat source on Fad's ship. He is later shot dead by Fad afterwards. * Bingo! ** Who: Nero ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this before Fad's ship crashes into him in the airlock. * He's insane. I'm not stickin' around for this! ** Who: Tucan ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this before being exposed to space vacuum trying to escape. * It was all planned out from the beginning... to get rid of you. Because you were a threat to the syndicate, and your partner was on our payroll. He led you like a lamb to slaughter. You were used. ** Who: Udai Taxim ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this before being shot in the head by Fad. * I guess I... couldn't quit smoking after all... ** Who: Fad ** Source: "Black Dog Serenade" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character says this after being shot by Jet. He then asks Jet for a cigarette before dying from his gunshot wound. * You idiot! Hurry up and do something about this, quick! ** Who: Herman ** Source: "Wild Horses" [Ep. 19] ** Note: Character says this moments before their immobilized ship gets hit by a moon rock and explodes, killing them all. * Goddammit! Move it! Get outta the way!! ** Who: George ** Source: "Wild Horses" [Ep. 19] ** Note: Character says this moments before their immobilized ship gets hit by a moon rock and explodes, killing them all. * We're falling, falling! ** Who: Ruth ** Source: "Wild Horses" [Ep. 19] ** Note: Character says this moments before their immobilized ship gets hit by a moon rock and explodes, killing them all. * It hurts! Mommy! Mommy, it hurts! Momma! It hurts! Mommy! Momma...!! ** Who: Mad Pierrot (Tongpu) ** Source: "Pierrot le Fou" [Ep. 20] ** Note: Character says this as Spike tosses a throwing knife in his left leg. Seeing his own blood and feeling the pain of the knife, he descended into a child-like tantrum and cries loudly for his mother before being crushed by the foot of a gigantic dog parade robot. * ''[Spike: Julia is dead. Let's finish this.]'' As you wish. ** Who: [[w:List of Cowboy Bebop characters#Vicious|Vicious]] ** Source: "The Real Folk Blues (Part 2)" [Ep. 26] ** Note: Spoken before he is killed in his final duel with Spike Spiegel. * Bang. ** Who: [[w:Spike Spiegel|Spike Spiegel]] ** Source: "The Real Folk Blues (Part 2)" [Ep. 26] ** Note: Spoken before collapsing from a mortal wound sustained during his final battle with Vicious. === ''[[w:List of Danganronpa: The Animation episodes|Danganronpa: The Animation]]'' === * Huh? This is weird... Why am I... ** Who: Mukuro Ikusaba ** Source: "(Not) Normal Arc: Kill and Live" [Ep. 2] ** Note: Character was a sister to [[w:Junko Enoshima|Junko Enoshima]], then, Mukuro was disguised as Junko. She was killed by Monokuma, controlled by Junko, having been impaled by several spears after assaulting Monokuma as punishment for breaking the school rules. * NOOOO!! ** Who: Leon Kuwata ** Source: "Not Normal Arc: Kill and Live" [Ep. 3] ** Note: Character was a baseball player. He was executed after being found guilty for killing Sayaka. * Don't let the team that we created fall apart. This is a promise between us men. ** Who: Daiya Ōwada ** Source: "Not Normal Arc: Weekly Shonen Despair Magazine" [Ep. 5] ** Note: Character was Mondo's brother. He was killed by Mondo recklessly in a past. * I want to change. I want to get rid of my weak self. ** Who: Chihiro Fujisaki ** Source: "Not Normal Arc: Weekly Shonen Despair Magazine" [Ep. 5] ** Note: Character was a retired programmer who was actually a boy after being mistaken was a girl. He was killed by Mondo. * I'm sorry, Brother. I couldn't keep our promise between men. ** Who: Mondo Ōwada ** Source: "Not Normal Arc: Weekly Shonen Despair Magazine" [Ep. 5] ** Note: Character was a biker. He was executed after being found guilty for killing Chihiro. * Who was the culprit? The culprit... I remember... Ya-Yasuhiro... ** Who: Hifumi Yamada ** Source: "(Not) Normal Arc: Return of the New Century Galaxy Legend! O Armored Hero, Stand upon the Earth!" [Ep. 6] ** Note: Character was a fanfic creator. He was killed by Celestia after the latter tell him to kill Kiyotaka. * I bid adieu to you all. Let's meet once more in our next lives. ** Who: Celestia Ludenberg ** Source: "Not Normal Arc: Return of the New Century Galaxy Legend! O Armored Hero, Stand upon the Earth!" [Ep. 7] ** Note: Character was a gambler, her real name was Taeko Yasuhiro. She was executed after being found guilty for killing both Hifumi and Kiyotaka. * Asahina? Sorry, but could you get some protein for me? ''[Aoi: P-Protein? Why?]'' Please... ** Who: Sakura Ōgami ** Source: "All All Apologies II" [Ep. 9] ** Note: Character was a martial artist. She commits suicide by ingesting some poison in order to protect the others. * Ufu... Ufufufufu... This is so wonderful. So this is the despair of death. I wanted to stain the world with this marvelous despair! Well, here it comes. A special punishment fit for the grand finale. Now, let's get to it! It's punishment time! Ahahahahahahahahahaha! ** Who: [[w:Junko Enoshima|Junko Enoshima]] ** Source: "Goodbye, Despair High School" [Ep. 13] ** Note: Character was a gyaru-turned true mastermind of the death game. After she was losing to Makoto, she became more insane and commits suicide by subjecting herself to a combination of the executions she inflicted on the other students. === ''[[w:Darker than Black|Darker than Black]]'' === * Mai... Mai. My work, it's done. Mai... I'll be home. [Mai: I missed you, daddy.] ** Who: Dr. Tahara ** Note: Character had been researching a way to prevent his daughter's contract from manifesting. Upon realizing that it was impossible, Tahara tried to kill her to prevent her from becoming a moratorium. However, he was murdered before he could carry it out. * It's too late. Run. Hei- ** Who: Havoc (Carmine) ** Note: Character was murdered by November 11 when her contract began to return. * It's me. I didn't want to tell you but it seems I've gotten us all into a dangerous situation. This isn't a joke. I-... No need to make obeisance now, is there? ** Who: November 11 * *Note: After killing his superiors who had double-crossed him, November 11 tries to warn April of the situation, but is cut off by her voice-mail. He then succumbs to his wounds. His final words refer to the irony that even though he is dying he is still trying to fulfill his contract by smoking cigarettes. * Sorry, you've only caught an old man. ** Who: Huang ** Note: Character had led Syndicate members on a high speed pursuit, only to be found alone in his van with charges of C4 which detonated moments later. * I don't like dry food. It was fun working with you guys. [Hei: "Mao.."] One day if a cat who looks just like me visits you... ** Who: Mao ** Note: Character was a telepath who could force his consciousness into the bodies of animals. After his original body was killed, he mostly resided in the body of a cat. He required the ability to connect with a server run by the Syndicate in order to maintain control of the body, but after he went rogue they disconnected the server, killing his consciousness. It is later revealed that his consciousness was preserved through a separate server. * Is that really okay with you? Is that your answer, Hei? By assuming to assume both identities you'll only make life harder on yourself. The syndicate will do what ever it takes to capture you. You'll have to kill again if you choose to walk that path. Didn't you tell me you were sick of it? You're only going to manage to lose everything you've managed to gain again. You won't be able to see the real stars or your beloved sister, anymore. Will you still... Why? Isn't this what you've always wanted? That's why I... [November 11: Aren't you the one whose afraid of letting him choose? Hei: Amber,I...] I don't want to hear another word. ** Who: Amber ** Note: Character had the ability to manipulate time in exchange for aging backwards. She used her ability one last time on behalf of Hei and, in exchange, had her own existence erased. * How could the Syndicate terminate me?! ** Who: Eric Nishijima ** Note: Character was killed by Hourai for failing to destroy Hell's Gate. * BK... 2.. 0.. 1! ** Who: April ** Source: Darker than Black: Ryusei no Gemeni ** Note: Character tried to use her hydro-kinetic abilities to drown her attacker, but was electrocuted before he ran out of air. Her last words are the Messier Code of the character Hei who killed her. === ''[[w:Death Note|Death Note]]'' === * You probably won't believe me but I've got a special notebook. If I write someone's name in it while thinking of their face, that person dies. ** Who: Kyōsuke Higuchi ** Source: "Revival" [Ep. 24] ** Note: Said after being arrested, then, he is killed by Light who restored his memory as Kira. * So that's what your plan is. You are truly disgusting. Light Yagami is certain that I would do anything to help Misa and save her life. And at this point, the only way for me to save Misa is to write Ryuzaki's real name in my notebook. And if I kill Ryuzaki, it would mean that I deliberately lengthened Misa's life, and I will die as well. ** Who: Rem ** Source: "Silence" [Ep. 25] ** Note: Said before she sacrifices her life to save Misa from L and Watari. * Right. ** Who: Watari ** Source: "Silence" [Ep. 25] ** Note: Character was killed by Rem, this is his last words before his name was written on the Death Note. * Everyone, the Shiniga- ** Who: L ** Source: "Silence" [Ep. 25] ** Note: Rem wrote his name to save Misa's life, which was the wrong thing for a Shinigami to do; Light wanted Rem to die for love. This resulted in L suffering a fatal heart attack. Light caught L in his arms right before he died, learning that Light was Kira all along. * God, you told me you couldn't move freely. I had to make sure Takada was taken care of! Wasn't that my duty to you?! ** Who: Teru Mikami ** Source: "New World" [Ep. 37] ** Note: This line is said prior to himself committed suicide by stabbing himself with his pen. * S... Someone... what will I do now? ** Who: Light Yagami ** Source: "New World" [Ep. 37] ** Note: This was the last known thing he said right before he escaped; Teru Mikami deverted the escape when committing suicide with his fountain pen. Ryuk, who dropped the notebook Light used to kill criminals and anyone getting in his way, wrote his name, as per agreed, and Light died of a heart attack. The last thing he saw was an apparition of L, who was killed by Rem over five years earlier. === ''[[w:Deltora Quest (anime)|Deltora Quest]]'' === * No! Not my vines! ** Who: Gorl ** Note: One of the protagonists, Jasmine, cut a branch that held the trees above him. One tree fell and crushed him. * How dare you?! Get out of our way! ** Who: Jin/Jod ** Note: They chased the protagonist and drowned in their own trap of quicksand. * If this have be the end for me, it would be the end for you too! ** Who: Reece ** Note: Covered by poisonous mushrooms. He tried to kill the protagonist, but slipped and fell into a deep tunnel. * Oh, no! What's happening to mummy?! ** Who: Fie ** Note: His mother, sorceress Thaegan, was weakened and turned into an old woman by the laplis lazuli. Her magical powers were out of control and killed her children, including Fie. * She's becoming an old lady! ** Who: Fly ** Note: Said it as answer for Fie's question. His mother, sorceress Thaegan, was weakened and turned into an old woman by the laplis lazuli. Her magical powers were out of control and killed her children, including Fly. * What was thet? What have you done?! ** Who: Gellick ** Note: Transformed into a tree. * I've got to find the way and save mysef. Who cares about them? While they're keeping Glus busy I'm gonna look for the way from here. ** Who: Milne ** Note: He was tossed into the Maze of the Beast with the companions, causing him to go into a panic. This attracted the attention of the Glus. It spun its webbing around his head and arm, causing him to run off blindly. The Glus followed after him, eventually capturing him and sucking the flesh from his bones. * We are family, aren't we? Come here, my wonderful babies. ** Who: Sorcehess Thaegan ** Note: She said that when she felt a mother's love for her monstrous children who choose to die with her when she was dying due to loss of control of her magic. * They all calebrated, as they've defeted my master, but they were wrong. He left down in the Shadowlands, and there he grow stronger, while Deltora grow weaker. Just as you will eventually... because you are human. ** Who: Oacus ** Note: He said this at his dying as a warning to Barda, Jasmine, Steven and Lief (who mortally wounded him) that they would not be able to defeat his master, Shadow Lord. * AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Mammy! ** Who: Ichabod ** Note: Screaming this crying for his mother, Thaegan (who died before that), when he was attacked by fire blister. === ''[[w:Digimon|Digimon]]'' === : See [[Last words in Digimon]] === ''[[w:Dragon Ball|Dragon Ball]]'' === * Stop! You get away from me! (aims his gun at Android 8) DON'T TOUCH ME, STAY BACK! (finds he's out of ammo) Why aren't you working?! ** Who: General White ** Notes: The Russian-accented commander of Muscle Tower for the Red Ribbon Army, he attempts to make a getaway with the village chief. After seemingly shooting Goku, he attempts to shoot Android 8 who had turned coat. He soon learns he's out of ammo, then Android 8 gives him hard punch for Goku, sending General White flying out of the tower to his presumed death. * Like the air and flow of the tides, my wrath shall remain constant! I'll have my revenge! ** Who: Ninja Murasaki ** Notes: The ninja member of the Red Ribbon Army. After Muscle Tower is destroyed, he attempts to steal the Dragon Balls from Goku. Surviving the avalanche, he declares he'll get revenge, but the bomb meant for Android 8 lands on his cheek and it goes off, supposedly killing Murasaki. * And just who might you be?! ** Who: Captain Yellow ** Notes: The tiger in service to the Red Ribbon Army. He kidnaps Upa to try and blackmail the indian Bora to get the Dragon Ball in his possession. When he spots Goku and demands who he is, Captain Yellow punches him out of his plane, sending him falling to his death. * I... Impossible! ** Who: General Blue ** Notes: A 28 year old general for the Red Ribbon Army with psychic powers. General Blue is given a chance to redeem himself by fighting Mercenary Tao. However, Mercenary Tao escapes Blue's telekinesis. Enraged, Blue attempts one final attack, but Tao cracks his skull with his tongue. * Enough talk! ** Who: Bora ** Notes: An indian living in the Sacred Land of Korin, he says this after spotting Mercenary Tao. He tries to fight him, but Tao warps to him, and throws him up before throwing the indian's own spear into Bora's heart, killing him. * What's really eating you is that there is no commander in front of your name, and there never will be! Do you want to know why? Because your small-time, you're just a lackey, my errand boy. At your age, it's pathetic! ** Who: Commander Red ** Notes: The leader of the Red Ribbon Army who wants to be taller. He tells this to his assistant, Black, knowing he will never attain command. Having had enough, Staff Officer Black shoots Commander Red in the head. * Eject! Eject! There's got to be a way out of here. This model has everything... BUT A PARACHUTE?! ** Who: Staff Officer Black ** Notes: The Staff Officer of the Red Ribbon Army. After killing his boss, Black hoped to gain Goku's allegiance, and change the army to the Black Ribbon Army. Feeling beaten, Black attempts to escape in his Battle Jacket, but Goku pierces through the mech suit. Black panics as he tries to escape his suit but dies in the explosion. * You're not taking that ball! ''(charges at Tambourine but he dodges)'' Where'd he go!? ** Who: Krillin ** Notes: Goku's best friend. At the end of the 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament, Krillin had been asked by Goku to get his Power Pole and the Four-Star Dragon Ball that the latter had lest behind. When he arrived, he spotted Tambourine trying to steal the ball. Krillin attempts to stop Tambourine, but the evil child of King Piccolo used a hard kick that broke through Krillin's skull and destroyed his brain, killing him instantly. * Now let's see how you fare against eight arms! ** Who: King Chappa ** Notes: A former World Martial Arts Tournament champion and master of the Eight Arm Fist, he attempts to take down Tambourine with his famed technique, but the Namekian kills him with the Hundred Arm technique, breaking every vital bone in the king's body. * Listen, pal, for one thing, get a better costume. I can practically see your zipper, and get off my stage, I'm the only star here! ** Who: Panput ** Notes: A Muay thai boxer and a movie star who lost at the 22nd World Martial Arts Tournament. He spots Tambourine on a ring post, and demands he leave, but Tambourine flies at and fatally kicks Panput, breaking his skull. * That's it! Come meet your destruction! ** Who: Cymbal ** Notes: One of King Piccolo's sons searching for the Dragon Balls. He encounters Yajirobe and Goku with the former having a Dragon Ball as a necklace. He demands Yajirobe, then attempts to take it. However after a brief fight, Yajirobe cuts Cymbal in half then cooks him. King Piccolo senses his death. * That's Merry-Go-Round Gum. You can't move a muscle! ** Who: Giran ** Notes: The bullying Giras who lost at the 21st World Martial Arts Tournament. Giran torments a village full of anthropomorphic animals when Tambourine comes to hunt him down. He seemingly traps Tambourine in his signature Merry-Go-Round Gum, but when Piccolo's son breaks free, Giran attempts to fight him, but the evil Namekian pierces him with his Sidearm Flamer, killing him. * FOOL, HE WAS OBLITERATED! I TOLD YOU, WE ARE SUPERIOR TO THE HUMAN RACE! ** Who: Tambourine ** Notes: One of King Piccolo's sons searching for the Dragon Balls, while also killing anyone who could use the Evil Containment Wave to seal King Piccolo away. On his rematch, he seemed confident that he killed Goku for sure, but Goku shows he survived. Tambourine then attempts to escape to warn his father, but Goku vaporizes him with a Kamehameha. King Piccolo also senses his death. * You haven't won. Your dark dreams will never come true. Somehow, someone will succeed where I failed. Until that day, live in fear. You will fall. We're only human, but we will survive. We will... survive. ** Who: Master Roshi ** Notes: The perverted and wise teacher of Goku and Krillin, Master Roshi brings the Electric Rice Cooker to try and lock King Piccolo back into his prison via the Evil Containment Wave. Unfortunately it fails, and Roshi forewarns this to Piccolo before dying. * Tien... ** Who: Chiaotzu ** Notes: Tien's longtime companion from the Crane Hermit's school. With Shenron summoned, Chiaotzu attempts to wish the dragon to get rid of King Piccolo for all time but is fatally blasted by the evil Namekian's beam. Chiaotzu calls out to Tien before dying. * Your wish has been granted. I take my leave. ** Who: Shenron ** Notes: The Eternal Dragon who grants wishes to anyone who gathers the seven Dragon Balls. After granting King Piccolo's youth back to him, he prepares to leave when the Namekian tells him "There's one more thing you can do for me." then gives a powerful blast that destroys Shenron. King Piccolo wanted to do it so no one can use the Dragon Balls against him. * You're not going anywhere, runt! No one treats me like that and gets away with it! ** Who: Drum ** Notes: One of King Piccolo's sons who was born to fight and kill Tien, whilst Piccolo decimates West City. After being kicked away from Tien by Goku, Drum tells him this before attempting to take Goku by surprise, but Goku uses a kick hard enough to kick his eyes out and is left to die of blood loss. * What have you done to him?! ** Who: Piano ** Notes: King Piccolo's first son and his intelligent henchman. When Goku first smashes King Piccolo, Piano asks this to Goku in shock. He says nothing else after this and is badly wounded by his father crashing into him. When the fight spirals out of control, Piano sinks into the ground and is killed. * Good luck, my son... Get revenge for my demise... Destroy all of my enemies...! ** Who: King Piccolo ** Note: After being pierced by Goku, King Piccolo spits out one final egg which would also be named Piccolo, then explodes after bidding his son to succeed where he failed. === ''[[w:Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball Z]]'' === * (Ocean dub) What's wrong? You look so depressed all of a sudden, green man! Don't be so glum. We can't all have the last laugh. * (FUNimation dub) Tr... Transient joys... are the sweetest... Just ask... your fellow insects... ** Who: Raditz ** Note: The character is dying from the huge hole in his body inflicted by Piccolo's Light of Death (also known as Makankosappo, or Special Beam Cannon) technique. * Kril... lin... Dying sucks... doesn't it...? [''Krillin: D-Don't talk like that... We'll bring you back...!''] Heh... thanks... --hahh. ** Who: Goku ** Note: The character is dying from the huge hole in his body inflicted by Piccolo's Light of Death (also known as Makkankosappo, or Special Beam Cannon) technique. * Goodbye, Tenshinhan... Save yourself. ** Who: Chaiotzu ** Note: The character self-destructs on Nappa's back after saying this. * Oh, the shame... Piccolo the Great... the incorruptible evil... saving a child.... How pathetic... heh... heh heh... It's... It's because of you... and your dad... y-your softness... infecting me... But... you know, boy... you were the only one... who ever... ever really talked to me... The couple of months... I spent with you... weren't really... so bad... Gohan... don't... die... ** Who: Piccolo ** Note: The character has just saved Gohan from an attack by Nappa by stepping in front of it, and is dying as a result. * Mr. Popo... I... leave the rest... to you... ** Who: Kami ** Note: It was later revealed that Piccolo and Kami were once one being, Kami disappears as a result of Piccolo's death. * (Ocean dub)What are you doing?! * (FUNimation dub)N...NO!!! ** Who: Nappa ** Note: Character had just been badly beaten by Goku after a futile attempt to defeat him. He says these lines as Vegeta tosses him into the air and blasts him away. * What?! ** Who: Ebifurya ** Note: Says this as he witnesses Goku breaking out of his "icy grave" that he was going to seal him in, just before he punches him right into a wall, killing him instantly. * Dr. Wheelo, help me! ** Who: Dr. Kochin ** Note: Said as he was falling to his demise while at the same time his skin melted away, revealing his robotic form just before exploding. * DAMN YOU, GOKU...! ** Who: Dr. Wheelo ** Note: Says this just before being blasted away by Goku's Spirit Bomb. * But how--?! * No! NO, IT CAN'T BE! ** Who: Cui ** Note: One of Frieza's elite henchmen, he seemed confident that Vegeta didn't take his advice on Planet Frieza and got killed for it. Seeing Vegeta alive and well, Cui tries to sweet talk his way out of his situation, and tries to flee, before Vegeta blows him apart. First line comes from Ocean Dub, second from DBZ Kai. * AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! MASTER FRIEZA! ** Who: Dodoria ** Note: Character says this as he attempts to get away from Vegeta, before Vegeta blows him to pieces with his attack. * VEGETAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Ocean dub) * B-But we can... we can work together... Together we could... defeat Frieza...! (FUNimation dub) ** Who: Zarbon ** Note: Vegeta currently has his arm impaled through the character's abdomen. After the first line is said, Vegeta cracks through his abdomen, sending him into the ocean with a large Ki blast and left to drown. The second line is said after Vegeta blasts him with the ki blast. * (Ocean dub) You stupid monkey, you're nothing! You think you will get away with this? I belong to the Ginyu Force! * (FUNimation dub) I n-never thought... I'd be killed by a monkey-butt Saiyan like you...!! That ticks... me... off... ** Who: Guldo ** Note: The character has had his head kicked off by Vegeta. After this line is said (in the FUNimation dub), Vegeta destroys his head with a Ki blast. The Ocean line was said before his head was kicked off by him. * Say your prayers, you--! ** Who: Recoome ** Note: Was knocked out by a punch to the gut by Goku. This didn't kill him, but he was blown to pieces by a blast from an enraged Vegeta, who was furious that Goku wanted to spare him and Burter. * He is? ** Who: Burter ** Note: The fastest of the Ginyu Force, Burter believes Goku is trying to confuse him during their fight. Goku hopes he will get off of Namek after he knocks him out, but Vegeta snaps Burter's neck to prove Goku's too soft-hearted. * Vegeta! NO! NO! * Please... spare me... I beg-- ** Who: Jeice ** Note: Was killed by Vegeta. First line came from Ocean Dub, second from FUNimation. * Kakarot, please... Destroy Frieza... He made me what I am... Don't let him do it to anyone else... Whatever it takes... Stop him... Please. * I- I beg you...! Frieza... defeat Frieza...! Please... by your Saiyan hand... * ''[about Frieza]'' I beg you, Kakarot... Please beat him... for me... for the pride of our race... Please. ''He must die by... a Saiyan's... hands...'' ** Who: Vegeta ** Note: The character has been beaten to death by Frieza. He utters his last words to Goku (who he calls Kakarot) and pleads for him to stop Frieza. Later he is revived with the Dragon Balls. The first line is from the English version, the second line is from the Japanese version and the third line is from the FUNimation dub of ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'', with the added bracketed text only in the uncut version. * (Original Japanese) Simian bastard! I-I am the greatest in the universe! I am the emperor of the universe, Frieza! And so, you... you simian bastard... YOU WILL DIE BY MY HAND!! You... will be... will be... KILLED BY ME!!!! * (Ocean Dub) Poor stupid Saiyan, you honestly think you've won? Your puny mind could never understand. I am Frieza, the most powerful being in the universe. And you're nothing but a beast, a fragile animal! You can't win, because I am mighty and you are not! Now learn! Learn what happens when you mess with the most powerful being in the UNIVERSE!!! * (FUNimation Dub) I am Frieza, emperor of the universe and you are nothing but a filthy monkey, I WILL KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!! * (DBZKai, FUNi Dub) Simian bastard! (Simian upstart!) I am Lord Frieza. None surpass me. No one even comes close! Etch this into your skull; (Burn this into your mind;) I am emperor of the universe! The likes of you are only fit to grovel at my feet! Or better still... to die... in DISGRACE... ''AT THE HANDS'' (to be crushed, like an insect, AT THE WHIM) ''OF YOUR MASTER''!!! ** Who: Lord Frieza ** Notes: After Goku gives Frieza some of his energy after Frieza begs for it due to being cut in half, Frieza tries to kill him while shrieking one of the three quotes above (the first one from the Ocean dub, the second one from the FUNimation dub, and the third from the English dub of ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'', both uncut and edited). Goku blasts him when he tries this, and leaves him on Namek to die when it blows up. * (Original Japanese) You're the one who's going to die!!! * (Ocean Dub) Grr... When I get my hands on... * (FUNimation Dub) You dare challenge me with such a low level attack!?! * (DBZ Kai, FUNimation Dub) Fool! You missed by a mile! ** Who: Mecha Frieza ** Notes: Character had survived his previous death, and was found by his father King Cold and rebuilt. The first thing he did was go to Earth to kill everyone there, only to encounter a mysterious youth from the future named Trunks, who went Super Saiyan and battled Frieza. Trunks effortlessly evades every one of Frieza's Attacks and then blinds him with a low level attack while announcing that Frieza will die. Frieza rebuts him with one of the three version specific quotes, before Trunks cuts him in half, chops the halves into chunks, and blasts those chunks into oblivion to ensure that Frieza stays dead. * (Ocean Dub) Wait. You can't. No, please. I'm defenseless. Please? I'm not bad. My son was evil, but not I. I wanted nothing but peace. I meant you no harm. I swear it. I... It's the ''truth! NOOOO!!!'' * (DBZ Kai, FUNimation Dub) Wait, no...! Please, spare me! Ahhhh...! Mercy! I surrender! If you let me go, I'll give you one of my finest planets... aagh... No, wait! I'll give you an entire solar system! I'll change my wicked ways, I'll give my word--! ''YAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!'' ** Who: King Cold ** Note: Character had just been impaled by Future Trunks' God Breaker and sent flying after trying to kill him (Trunks) with his (Trunks's) sword. He says these lines while begging for his life from him, but Trunks ignores his pleas for mercy due to the earlier betrayal and finishes him off with a second God Breaker. * What kind of end to life is this??? Crushed by your own son who once saved your life! * Perished at the hands of my own son, not that!! Why has destiny conspired against me so tragically??? * To be killed by one's own child - is this also the destiny of a Saiyan? ** Who: Paragus ** Note: Says this as he is crushed to death by Broly, his son. While Paragus tries to escape by using a Saiyan space pod, Broly sees this and crushes the pod with his bare hands, with Paragus inside. The first line is said at the English FUNimation dub, while the second line is from the British, "Big Green" dub. The third line is said in the original, Japanese version. * Malfunction. Mal... ** Who: Android 19 ** Notes: Character says this after being blown apart by Vegeta. * You can't do this! I made you! (Alternate Timeline) * That does it! Now I am mad! (Present Timeline) (Ocean Dub) * Damn... pieces of junk. (Present Timeline) (FUNimation Dub) ** Who: Dr. Gero ** Notes: Character existed in 2 separate timelines, and in both were killed by his own robotic creation, hence two quotes. The first of his second two quotes is from the Ocean dub, and the second is from the FUNimation dub. * The wild animals and forests I loved... don't let them be destroyed... protect them for me... ** Who: Android 16 ** Notes: This is the direct translation from Japanese in the English Manga. The character's head is crushed soon after by Cell. 16 is unique among the heroes as he is the only canon hero in the series to not be resurrected after death; the wish to bring back all that Cell destroyed did not affect him. * (Original Japanese) Im … possible … It … can't be … I'm … invincible ...! * (Ocean Dub) But I am perfect!!!! * (FUNimation Dub) IM... POSS... IBLE! I'M... PER... FECT! * (DBZ Kai, FUNimation Dub) No! This can't be! I AM PERFECTIOOOOOOOOOOOOON! ** Who: Perfect Cell ** Notes: Said as character is being blown away by Son Gohan. * (Ocean dub) No. No! ''No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'' * (FUNimation dub) But I don't want to die! I don't believe it! ** Who: Future Cell ** Notes: Character has just been effortlessly defeated by Future Trunks through his Heat Dome attack after he has returned to his timeline following Perfect Cell's destruction at the hands of Son Gohan. * Why didn't he die like the rest of them [the Saiyan race]?! [He remembers when he let a baby Goku go because of a slip-up by his brother, Frieza] ... I let him go ...I let him go...! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! * It's just as I told you from the start. You can't win! ** Who: [[w:Coola|Cooler]] ** Notes: Said as character is being burnt alive on the surface of the Sun, holding a giant energy blast which finally explodes, "killing" him. However, his dead body was recovered by a machine, and he was resurrected while being integrated into the machine. Therefore the second quote are his true last words. * Trunks, Bulma... I do this for you. Yes, even you, Kakarot! ** Who: Vegeta ** Notes: Said as character sacrifices himself against Majin Buu. He is later revived by the Dragon Balls. * Damn you, Goku! ** Who: Frieza ** Notes: In the Resurrection 'F' movie, Frieza, once he's at the mercy of Super Saiyan God Vegeta, detonates Earth to kill him. This is prevented when Whis turns back time so Goku can finish off the evil tyrant. Frieza screams this line as he is being obliterated into smithereens by Goku's God Kamehameha wave attack. === ''[[w:Dragon Ball Super|Dragon Ball Super]]'' === * What?! Tagoma, you traitor... ** Who: Shisami ** Notes: A red bull-like member of Frieza's army. As he is fighting Gohan, Tagoma fires a very lethal blast at both him and Gohan. While Gohan is injured, Shisami curses Tagoma before drawing his dying breath. * What? Does that say "change now"? ** Who: Tagoma ** Notes: One of Frieza's new elite soldiers. After he is incapacitated by Gotenks, he spots Ginyu trapped in the Nakekian frog body writing "change now" on the ground in an alien language. At first, Tagoma is confused, but then Ginyu swaps his mind with Tagoma's, trapping Tagoma in the frog. His former body is later killed by Vegeta. * HOLD ON, VEGETA! ** Who: Captain Ginyu ** Notes: The last survivor of the Ginyu Force that was wiped out by Vegeta. Having swapped bodies with Tagoma's from a Namekian frog, he regains his strength. Later, after Vegeta and Goku arrive, the former gloats that if he's stayed on his lilypad, he'd still be alive. As Ginyu tries to reason this, Vegeta vaporizes him with a powerful blast. * A righteous god defeated by a mortal? It's sacrilege, it cannot be...! ** Who: Fused Zamasu ** Notes: Said this when Future Trunks denounces Fused Zamasu's justice and slices him in two with the Final Hope Slash. He then laughs before exploding with a pained wail. * Thank you! Thaanks to each and everyone of you out there who cheered us one! * The second universe may cease to exist, but true love never dies and we'll live in your hearts forever! * As we face this last moment, we'll end it with our normal goodbye! Ready, set... ''(the entire Universe 2 team gives a kiss)'' * Bye bye! ** Who: Ribrianne, Rozie and Kankunsa ** Notes: The superheroine Kamikaze Fireball team participating in the Tournament of Power for Universe 2. After having all of Universe 2 eliminated from competition, the Zenos erase them. Before that, Ribrianne and her teammates give a farewell speech and a goodbye kiss before being erased. * You taught me much, Master. Good luck to you, Vegeta. ** Who: Cabba ** Notes: A young Saiyan on the Sadala Defense Forces. With all of the Universe 6 team member eliminated, the Zenos erase them while Cabba bids this to Vegeta before blinking out of existence. === ''[[w:Elena of Avalor|Elena of Avalor]]'' === * Finally! My victory! ...Huh? (Elena: Guess what, Marimonda? You ''can'' be captured.) Huh? Wha? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ** Who: Marimonda ** Note: Elena uses illusion magic from the Scepter of Light to trick Marimonda into stepping her foot into a jar, which sucks Marimonda inside and she is sealed within for good. * Goodbye, Elena. Demolish! ** Who: Shuriki ** Note: Attempts to strike Elena down with the Scepter of Night, but Elena uses her Scepter of Light’s “Vanish” power to protect herself. She is then destroyed by the scepter’s “Blaze” spell, and all that remains is the Scepter of Night’s orb. === ''[[Family Guy]]'' === * See [[Last words in Family Guy]]. === ''[[w:Fairy Tail|Fairy Tail]]'' === * You damn brats!" ** Who: Tower of Heaven Guard ** Source: "Tower of Heaven" [Ep. 40] ** Note: this quote is said minutes beforethe guards and magic soldiers were all slaughtered by Erza as revenge for their killing Rob. * So cold!" ** Who: Furuko ** Source: "Armor of the Heart" [Ep. 37] ** Note: presumed to have died after being defeated by Gray, but he survives. * I...loved...you..." ** Source: "Titania, Falls" [Ep. 40] ** Note: he sacrifices himself to protect Erza. * I cannot live without Fairy Tail. I can't imagine a world without my friends. That's how much all of you mean to me. If doing this can save all of you then I have no regrets even if it take this body... so bet it. ** Who: Erza Scarlet ** Source: "Titania, Falls" [Ep. 40] ** Note: Character had presumed dead when fusing with Etherion. However, she was still alive anyway. * IT HURTS! (screaming)" ** Source: "Satan's Descent" [Ep. 45] ** Note: Brutally tortured and almost killed by Freed, but survives when Mirajane reawakens her powers to battle him. * Your town? Oh, yes... Hikaru and I was also there at the time. Ultear promised? Accept it. Ultear herself destroyed that town! ** Who: Zancrow ** Source: "Thunder Crashes" [Ep. 117] ** Note: Character taunts Meredy and frames Ultear for destroying Meredy's hometown, but Zeref awakes and kills him. * Wait! There is so many thing I want to ask you! ** Who: Hades ** Source: "The Right to Love" [Ep. 121] ** Note: Character was killed by Zeref. * Shut the hell up! It's just a lousy cat! ** Who: Jiemma ** Source: "The Dragon King" [Ep. 176] ** Note: Said before he was disemboweled by an enraged Sting as revenge for killing Lector. He survives his wounds and was banished from his own guild. * I want to... travel... with you... protect the future... ** Who: Future Lucy Heartfilia ** Source: "The One Who Closes the Door" [Ep. 190] ** Note: Character sacrifices herself to protect her present counterpart from Future Rogue Cheney. * Huh? I'm hit... ** Who: Gray Fullbuster ** Source: "Sin and Sacrifice" [Ep. 196] ** Note: Character sacrifices himself to protect Juvia from the minions' laser, but was revived by Ultear later on. * The time... the time... just come back... in one minute?! My life is only worth... in one minute?! No way... ** Who: Ultear Milkovich ** Source: "The Time of Life" [Ep. 197] ** Note: She uses the Last Age to sacrifice herself to save Gray, however, despite this is her last words, she isn't dead at all, but aged rapidly. * Please tell 'me' to protect Frosch a year after....because Gray will kill Frosch. ** Who: Future Rogue Cheney ** Source: "The Golden Grasslands" [Ep. 198] ** Note: Character was defeated by Natsu Dragneel, he gives Natsu a warning to protect Frosch before he disappears. * That is the strength and power of the former chairman of the board! ** Who: Crawford Seam ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Where Prayers Go" [Ep. 240] ** Note: Said before he was killed by Kyôka. * I don't care! Just restore me now! ** Who: Ezel ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Hell's Core" [Ep. 245] ** Note: Character has been defeated by Wendy Marvell's Dragon Force, as later, he was at Hell's Core, but was destroyed by Mirajane Strauss. * Boom! Boom! Boom... ** Who: Lamy ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Attack of the Celestials" [Ep. 248] ** Note: Said before she was killed by Jackal. * You've done so much for me. Thank you! ** Who: Aquarius ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Attack of the Celestials" [Ep. 248] ** Note: Said when Lucy destroys her key. She didn't die, she was left unable to meet Lucy again. * Wa-Wait a minute! ** Who: Jackal ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: The Celestial King vs. The Underworld King" [Ep. 249] ** Note: Character tries to kill Lucy, but was defeated by Lucy's Urano Metria, as his fate is unknown as he is presumed dead. * My story... sto... ** Who: Keyes ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Silver Memories" [Ep. 253] ** Note: Character was destroyed by Juvia Lockser's magic. * Thanks to you, I was able to go to heaven in peace. And you also stop Face's activation. Juvia ... don't say anything. I leave Gray to you. ** Who: Silver Fullbuster ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Silver Memories" [Ep. 253] ** Note: Character was defeated by Gray. When he requested Gray to kill him, but Gray can't, as Silver then vanishes and encourages Gray to kill E.N.D as he gives his Devil-Slayer magic to his son. * He became a steel?! ** Who: Torafuzar ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Steel" [Ep. 255] ** Note: Said before he was defeated by Gajeel Redfox, as he is presumed dead later on. * Come with me, along with this anti-magic particles into the afterlife. ** Who: Tempester ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: The Final Duels" [Ep. 256] ** Note: Said before subsequently blowing himself up and releasing the Magical Barrier Particles. Gajeel shouts that there isn't enough time for them, but, all of a sudden, everything freezes over, including the particles as Gray walks towards him. * Please win, Kyôka! ** Who: Seilah ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: The Final Duels" [Ep. 256] ** Note: Said after Kyôka absorbs all of her energy, as Seilah then presumed dead later on. * She's too strong! ** Who: Kyôka ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: 00:00" [Ep. 259] ** Note: Said before she was defeated by Erza and is short after killed by Minerva. * It... can't be... ** Who: Jiemma ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Memento Mori" [Ep. 262] ** Note: Said after he was hit by Sting and Rogue's White Shadow Dragon's Rough Silk. * Mard Geer... can grant... your actual desire... ** Who: Mard Geer Tartaros ** Source: "Tartaros Arc: Drops of Fire" [Ep. 264] ** Note: Said before he was returned to his book by Zeref. * Good, then speak of your future... and it shall become your will to live. ** Who: Igneel ** Source: "Tartaros Arc Epilogue: That Is the Power of Life" [Ep. 265] ** Note: Said after dying from his fight against Acnologia. * No. He actually dead. Since the arrival of Blue Skull, this city was- ** Who: Unnamed Old Man ** Source: "Fairy Tail Zerø: Blue Skull" [Ep. 271] ** Note: Said before he was killed by the member of the Blue Skull guild. * Thank you for everything. ** Who: Zera ** Source: "Fairy Tail Zerø: An Eternal Adventure" [Ep. 275] ** Note: Said before she disappears before Mavis. * You monster! ** Who: Rung ** Source: "Hybrid Theory" [Chapter 470] ** Note: Crushed by an enraged Dragon-fused Irene. * To think that you'd come to me... I came all the way here, just to... Huh? ** Who: God Serena ** Source: "Hybrid Theory" [Chapter 470] ** Note: Said before Acnologia killed him. * What...! What's with this reddish dark thunder? I can't seem to analyze it! ** Who: Wall Eehto ** Source: "Red Lightning" [Ch. 473] ** Note: Said before Laxus destroyed him. * The door to the underworld... Thou shalt never return... never... again... nev... ** Who: Bloodman ** Source: "The Two of Us, Always" [Ch. 488] ** Note: Character was mortally injured by Gajeel and attempted to take him with himself. Later chapters reveal that Gajeel was saved. * Lily... you be sure and get Levy back to the guild safe and sound... Swear it... on your life... ** Who: Gajeel Redfox ** Source: "The Two of Us, Always" [Ch. 488] ** Note: Character was taken to the Underworld by Bloodman. He gets better, however. * Juvia... will live on within you, Gray-sama. That is why... there is no reason to be sad. Because Juvia's life will always and forever belong only to you, Gray-sama. ** Who: Juvia Lockser ** Sourch: "Gray and Juvia" [Ch. 499] ** Note: Character tried to kill herself in order to save Gray from Ice Lock. She was healed before she could succumb to her wounds. * The guild is your family. Never forget that. Thanks to all of you, my journey was filled with happiness. I don't have any regrets, so... all of you, play nice. ** Who: Makarov Dreyar ** Source: "Trump Card" [Ch. 505] ** Note: Character used Fairy Law to defeat an enhanced army at the price of his life. He is revived later on. * I long to bath in the blood of dragons! ** Who: Acnologia ** Source: "Hearts Connected" [Ep. 327] ** Note: killed by Natsu and the Dragons Dlayers. === ''[[w:Fist of the North Star|Fist of the North Star]]'' === ==== TV Anime ==== * Wait! Wait I can't die like this! (Kenshiro releases his thumbs from Spade and a 7 second timer appears) Oh, no! No! No! ** Who: Spade ** Notes: A KINGsman who is targeting a farmer for his rice seeds. After Kenshiro uses the Hokuto Zankai Ken on him, Spade tries to plead this, but Kenshiro releases his thumbs causing a 7 second countdown for Spade to reflect on his errors before being split apart. * Shut up! This fight's just beginning. ''(groans in pain then his head twists)'' Maybe not! ** Who: Diamond ** Notes: As one of Shin's Jack lieutenants in the anime, Diamond is one of the men in charge of Dorado City. After rescuing a father and his boy, Kenshiro defeats him with the Koshu Hagan Ken. Diamond says these to Kenshiro, but his face is blown off. * Please! Don't leave me like this! I can't stand it! I'll give you whatever you want and let me live. I can't die like this! I am the mighty Club! ** Who: Club ** Notes: One of Shin's lieutenants in the anime, Club fights Kenshiro in a cage fight and gets his back hit hard that his Meimon power point is hit, which in 30 seconds would break his spine in half. In his last seconds, Club tries to beg for his life with these words. * But why? With your power, why? Why don't you seize whatever you want?! You could... You could be OUR god. But you waste your power. God will destroy you for this insolence!" ** Who: Colonel ** Note: In the anime, Colonel is a heretical worshiper of Shin who he believes is "God". After being hit by Kenshiro's Hokuto Kaikotsu Ken, Colonel tries to reason this to Kenshiro, but is skeleton soon rips itself out. * They're dead! What happened? ** Who: Patra ** Notes: After discovering her goons dead at Kenshiro's hands, she and Dragon engage Kenshiro in battle, but the Hokuto Shinken user blinds Patra's eyes with her beads, and she is burned alive by Dragon's fire. * Not if I kill you FIRST! ** Who: Fox ** Notes: Jackal's top henchman and user of the Choto Chihai Ken martial art. Kenshiro exploits Fox's weakness, makes him tell where Ken can find Jackal, then Fox tries to kill him, but the Man with Seven Scars gives a hard kick to the face that cracks his skull. * Yeah, but we all know who he really wants, don't we? ** Who: Hawk ** Notes: One of Jackal's goons who wanting to save his own life, plans to take Jackal's head to Kenshiro. He admits that it's Jackal who Ken really wants, but the evil bandit cuts Hawk down with his switchblade. * Oh brother, we are together... At last... ** Who: Devil Rebirth ** Notes: Having been lied to by Jackal about their being brothers, and being defeated by Kenshiro's Hokuto Shichiseiten, Devil calls out to his "brother". He along with Jackal are then blown up by the latter's own dynamite. * Hey, wait a minute! Now look; Can't we talk this over?! I got ideas, we should be partners! Don't leave me like this! Look, I've got a proposition; Just get me outta here! That thing's gonna explode! Hey! It-oh, it can't end like this! Ah! Ah! No! No! Ah, ah, ah! OH SHIT! ** Who: Jackal ** Notes: Cornered after Devil Rebirth is beaten by Kenshiro, Jackal is gripped by the monster's hand, and Jackal tries to get Kenshiro to save him after being left with live dynamite. It falls on deaf ears and Jackal and Devil are blown up. * Death comes to us all, my dear. The time has come to die. ** Who: Zaria ** Notes: A mad magician who uses Nanto Ansho Ken to zombify villagers and the dead, Zaria attempts to take Karen to death with him when facing defeat. But Kenshiro knocks him into his own bell, then he is crucified, struck by lightning and crumbles to dust. * You may have won this one! But I'll be watching, you and your fight with KING! ** Who: Joker ** Notes: Shin/King's staff officer in the KING gang and user of Nanto Shoten Ken, when he and Kenshiro fight at the abandoned battleship, Kenshiro uses the Hokuto Zankai Ken on Joker. Joker didn't wish to bring Kenshiro's message to Shin, but sent one of his cards to his vulture for the message, he then gives this dare to Ken before his head is blown apart. === ''[[Fullmetal Alchemist]]'' === * I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. There's just no way you could be my Karin. Karin... I'm coming. ** Who: Majahal ** Notes: Character had believed that Karin had died, and tried to resurrect her. When the Elric brothers find the real Karin and uncover his schemes, they get into a fight, resulting in him being mortally wounded. He dies after saying these lines. * You promised you'd come play with me. ** Who: Nina Tucker ** Notes: A girl who was fused with her dog in one of her father's alchemic experiments, Nina says these words to Alphonse before she was taken into military custody. She later escapes due to Edward's efforts, but runs into an alleyway where Scar euthanizes her by exploding her body from the inside out. * Your timing's too bad. Just as I got my hands on this! ** Who: Basque Grand ** Notes: Character attempts to use his Philosopher's Stone to defend himself, but Scar kills him. * I'm going on ahead, older brother. ** Who: Younger Slicer Brother ** Notes: Character was a serial killer whose soul was bound to a suit of armor, along with his brother. After being defeated by Ed, he asked to be killed, but when Ed refused, he scratched out his blood seal with his own arm, resulting in his death. * Edward Elric- I- ** Who: Older Slicer Brother ** Notes: Character was a serial killer whose soul was bound to a suit of armor, along with his brother. Lust, Envy and Gluttony had taken him and Al hostage in order to force Edward to make a Philosopher's Stone, threatening to kill Al if he did not comply. Edward protests that even the souls bound to the suits of armor are human, and Lust kills him to prove that they can and will kill Al. * I hope you'll forgive me, but I have a wife and kid waiting for me back home. ** Who: Maes Hughes ** Notes: Character says this after slashing the homunculus Envy, who shape-shifted into an officer in order to mislead him. Envy then transforms into his own wife, states that it is fitting that he would be killed by his own wife, then fatally shoots Hughes when he hesitates. * You buffoons better back off! I'm protected by the- ** Who: Lieutenant Yoki ** Notes: Character leads the military to a group of Ishbalan refugees. He says this to the refugees, believing that they will kill them. Shortly afterward, Lust kills him to make it appear as though one of the refugees shot him to spark a conflict between the military and the Ishbalans. * I'm greedy as hell, always out for myself. She always said it would be the death of me. They pulled the strings, now cut them. I'm counting on you, kid... ** Who: Greed ** Notes: Character had gone against Dante (whom he is referring to by "she") and the other homunculi in order to attain immortality. He says this after Ed, who has defeated and mortally wounded him, has realized the homunculi's weaknesses, and urges him to kill the others. * Al! Listen carefully - I don't have much time! You've got to tell Ed, that they're gonna turn Lior into another Ishbal! And your leader, the Fuhrer... he's a... Homunculus! ** Who: Marta ** Notes: Character realizes that King Bradley is actually the homunculus known as Pride and knows the truth of his plans for Lior. Shortly after saying this, Bradley kills her to protect his secrets, unaware that Al already knows. * A man who inflicts pain will no longer be able to... well, I don't have to worry about that any more... no more longing for sleep... Brother... [Japanese version] * A man who inflicts suffering cannot rest. His guilty mind won't allow it. But today I can finally close my eyes to the living nightmare and lay down, knowing that I won't wake again. [English dub] ** Who: Scar ** After having been shot multiple times and having lost both his arms, Scar lies down in the gigantic alchemy array which he created. His death triggers the array, causing it to sacrifice all human life in the area. He refers to his life of vengeance and a proverb he had heard. * Ed... Al... clean up your mess... take care of each other. ** Who: Sloth ** Notes: Character had taken the form of Ed and Al's deceased mother, but Ed, knowing that she was a homunculus, transmuted her body into ethanol, causing her to evaporate. * Y-Y-You're... son of... ** Who: Edward Elric ** Line is stated upon realizing Envy is Ed's half-brother, the son of Hohenheim and Dante. Envy uses the moment of shock as an opportunity to stab Edward through the heart. However, Al revives Ed. * I just... I got it from your safe. You said your life depended on it and I didn't want it to get hurt in the fire. ''[Pride strangles him]'' Father... stop... please... ** Who: Selim ** Notes: Character brings the skull of the man whom his adoptive father, King Bradley/Pride was created from to the room where he is fighting Roy Mustang. Pride is enraged and kills him, as the item renders him vulnerable. * You are foolish... all of you... even my own son... ** Who: King Bradley/Pride ** Notes: Character says this about his weakness being exposed, in response to Roy Mustang asking him "You said people are foolish, so how do you explain loving [your son]?". Roy Mustang then uses the skull to render him vulnerable and kills him. * There are rebels everywhere! There's no time for questioning! Let me kill her! ** Who: Frank Archer ** Notes: Character was referring to Riza Hawkeye, whom King Bradley had ordered to be placed into custody. Riza shoots him from behind and kills him. * Damn that child! How could he squander the stone like that with my body in such a terrible condition! I'll have to send Pride down there to teach those boys a lesson- ''[notices Gluttony]'' -damn it, Gluttony, what are you doing here? I don't have time for this! ''[Gluttony stares hungrily]'' You don't understand me, do you? Just hold on, we'll find you something to eat soon, okay? ** Who: Dante ** Notes: Character had attempted to use the Philosopher's Stone to achieve eternal life due to efforts to transfer her soul to other bodies failing to serve the purpose, but failed when Al used the stone inside of himself to revive Ed. She attempts to leave the ruined city where she had held the ritual, but Gluttony, rendered mindless in her attempt to have him eat Al's armor, attacks and apparently eats her. === ''[[w: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood|Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood]]'' === * This is immortality? No, no, you must be wrong... I don't understand it! ''URK!'' You said if we were in the center of the Circle, we wouldn't be harmed! ** Who: King Xerxes ** Notes: Character was the king of the ancient nation of Xerxes, which seemingly vanished overnight. He commissioned the magical little creation known as Homunculus to help him achieve immortality. However, Homunculus manipulated him into creating a Nationwide Transmutation Circle to kill all the people in Xerxes, including the King, turning them into a Philosopher's Stone. Homunculus used this Philosopher's Stone to obtain a human form, becoming the entity known as Father. * Look after... my daughter. She’s in possession of... my research... look after her. ** Who: Master Berthold Hawkeye ** Notes: Character was the mentor of Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, and the estranged father of Riza Hawkeye, the woman who would later become Mustang's lieutenant. Dying of a terminal disease, he requested Hawkeye with his dying breath to look after his daughter, as she was the one who carried the research of Flame Alchemy as a tattoo on her back. * Bradley... heh heh heh heh... AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! PERFECT! ** Who: Isaac McDougal ** Notes: Character was a rouge State Alchemist trying to assassinate Führer King Bradley as revenge for the terrible war in Ishval. After trying to escape the State Alchemists pursuing him, McDougal was encountered by none other than his target. Gleefully, McDougal transmuted some of his blood into a blade and rushed at him, only for King Bradley to slice through him, killing him. * Now, you too? Everyone has MOCKED me! I WON'T STAND FOR—! ** Who: Father Cornello ** Notes: Character was a corrupt priest working for the Homunculi incognito, attempting to snare believers in the religion of Letoism and create an army of zealots for the Homunculi. After having his cult decimated and his scheme revealed by the Elric brothers, Cornello was confronted by Lust and Gluttony, the former of whom insulted him for his incompetence. Cornello, angry, shouted this line before Lust stabbed him through the head with her Ultimate Spear claw. His body was then eaten by Gluttony. * That wasn't so difficult. ''(his face is grabbed)'' What? No! How?! ** Who: Brigadier General Basque Grand ** Notes: Character was a hero in the Ishvalan Civil War and the Iron Blood Alchemist. He was targeted by Scar, an Ishvalan warrior monk who specialized in destruction alchemy, who was hunting down State Alchemists and killing them as revenge for the war (and his deceased brother, who had died in the war because of a State Alchemist). Basque Grand attempted to trap Scar in a wall of earth, but Scar used his destruction alchemy to break out of the prison and grab his quarry's face, infusing him with destructive power and killing the general. * Who are you? Not military... ''who are you?!'' How did you get in here?! There were military police out front! ** Who: Shou Tucker ** Notes: Character was the depressed Sewing-Life Alchemist who, wishing to keep his status as a State Alchemist, fused his daughter, Nina, with her pet dog Alexander to create a talking Chimera. After being found out by Edward and Alphonse for what he'd done, he was placed under house arrest. He was unexpectedly befallen upon by Scar, who murdered him for his status as a State Alchemist and for said experiment. * Daddy's hurting... Daddy hurts... No, Daddy... ** Who: Nina Tucker ** Notes: Character had been fused with her pet dog by her father as part of an Alchemy experiment. After killing her father in front of her, Scar lamented that he could do nothing to help her, and decided to euthanize her out of mercy. * Huh... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "Brother?" My brother and I have been lying, stealing, cheating, and killing as long as we can remember. And now that we're in these pseudo-bodies, we'll be treated like humans for the first time! Don't you see the irony? For that, boy, I'll give you a parting gift. I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you who made the Philosopher's Stone, and ordered us to guard this place. ** Who: Older Slicer Brother ** Notes: Character was the older brother of two serial killers whose souls had been bonded to a single suit of armor, and was in charge of guarding a supposedly decommissioned lab where the Homunculi were making Philosopher's Stones. After Edward Elric defeated him and his brother by badly damaging their bodies, Ed revealed that he wasn't going to kill them regardless, as despite their metal bodies, they were still human. Rather touched, the older brother decided to reveal who was working the place, only to be silenced by Lust, who stabbed through his blood rune (which was in the helmet) and cut said helmet in half, killing him. * Brother? ''Brother! BROTHER!!!'' ** Who: Younger Slicer Brother ** Character was the younger brother of the two serial killers whose souls had been bonded to a single suit of armor, and was in charge of guarding a supposedly decommissioned lab where the Homunculi were making Philosopher's Stones. After his older brother's death, he called out desperately to his brother, only to have his blood rune (which was in the chestplate) repeatedly stabbed by Envy, who was using his sword. He died after about a dozen stabs to his rune. * Gracia... I'm so sorry... Elysia... Remember, Daddy loves you... I'm sorry. ** Who: Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes ** Notes: Character was a close friend to Colonel Roy Mustang and a recent friend to the Elric brothers. He had recently discovered the plan of the Homunculi for Amestris, and had attempted to relay his information to someone, but was attacked and badly wounded by the Homunculus Lust. After narrowly escaping her, Hughes ran to a secluded phone booth and attempted to call Mustang, but was stopped by Envy, posing as Second Lieutenant Maria Ross. Hughes quickly caught on that it wasn't Maria, before rounding on Envy with a knife. Envy, however, transformed himself into Hughes' wife, Gracia, and used Hughes' shock to put a bullet in his chest. As Envy left Hughes to die, Hughes apologized for being unable to return home. He was posthumously promoted to Brigadier General at his funeral. * Do us a favor, kid, and get her out of here. ** Who: Dolchetto ** Notes: Character, a dog chimera and crony of Greed, was attempting to assist his superior against King Bradley, who was laying waste to Greed. Dolchetto attacked, only for the Führer to bifurcate him through the gut with his rapiers. His last words were to Alphonse, referencing to his friend, Martel, who was being forced to hide in Al's armor against her will, hoping that Al would get her out of harm's way. * Protect her. ** Who: Roa ** Notes: Character, a bull chimera and crony of Greed, was accompanying Dolchetto to stop King Bradley from harming Greed. After Dolchetto's death, Roa charged at Bradley, but the Führer vivisected him into several pieces with his rapiers. His last words followed Dolcetto's request that Alphonse would get Martel to safety. * DIE, BRADLEY!!! ** Who: Martel ** Notes: Character, a snake chimera and a crony of Greed, had been forced to hide within Alphonse's armor. Al was intent on getting her out of harm's way, but when confronted by King Bradley, Martel forced Al from inside his armor to try and strangle the Führer for killing her friends, despite Al's protests. Bradley promptly slid his sword into Al's armor and impaled Martel, killing her. Some of her blood splashed over Al's blood rune, causing Al to remember the experience of going through the Gate of Truth. This would later allow him the ability to transmute without a circle, like his brother. * If that's what you want, Dad! Just don't blame me when I give you a ''stomachache!'' YOU DID IT TO ''YOURSELF!'' ** Who: Greed the Avaricious ** Notes: Character was a Homunculus created by Father from his want for power. After going rouge, Greed was eventually captured by King Bradley, who had revealed himself to be the newest of the Homunculi: Wrath the Furious. Bradley brought Greed back to the Homunculi's Headquarters underneath Central City, where Father gives Greed a chance to rejoin him. Greed refuses, however, and Father proceeds to have him "returned" to his soul. Greed is then broken down into his Philosopher's Stone form, and is reabsorbed into Father's body. He is later revived in a new form, but originally lacks the memories of his previous incarnation. * Not bad, not bad at all! You got off with just a scratch! ** Who: Major Giolio Comanche ** Notes: Character was another state alchemist who had participated in the Ishvalan Civil War: the Silver Alchemist. He was another target of Scar, who engaged him in battle. Scar used his destruction alchemy to destroy his peg-leg, causing him to fall into a nearby river. Scar followed him underwater and, with Comanche unable to transmute water, made easy prey of the elderly alchemist. * You killed me. I hate losing... but there are worse ways to die than at the hands of a man like you. I love how cold and focused your eyes are. I look forward... to the day when those eyes will be wide with agony... It's coming... It's coming... ** Who: Lust the Lascivious ** Notes: Character was a female Homunculus created from Father's desire to become a perfect being. She had left Colonel Roy Mustang for dead after terribly wounding him with her Ultimate Spear claws. However, he cauterized his wounds and incinerated her numerous times using the flint from a broken lighter combined with an alchemical circle written in his blood. Lust finally succumbed to death when her Philosopher's Stone was stressed too much with helping her regenerate, and she disintegrated into ash. Her last words referred to her killer, Mustang, foreshadowing a future event regarding the ambitious Colonel. * Holey moley... That was way too damn close. I hope someone can fix me... I'd rather not live my life as sheet metal. AH! What the...?! How the hell are you still alive?! ''Hey...'' Oh, no! Put me down right now! I-I've got a second chance to terrorize the city! You're gonna ruin everything! ''No!'' Don't do it, ''wait! NO, STOP, PLEASE--!'' ** Who: Barry the Chopper ** Notes: Character was a serial killer whose soul had been ripped from his body and bound to a suit of armor, which in turn had been cut apart by Lust before she was killed by Colonel Mustang. His soul was still bound to a small piece of metal from the armor, but could no longer move. He was ironically killed by his own body, which had had an animal soul inserted into it. * I was... going to be immortal... ** Who: Lieutenant General Raven ** Notes: Character had been killed by Major General Olivier Mira Armstrong after he tried to bribe her with a higher rank, as she had found out he was in on a government conspiracy. She laid the fatal blow to him by slashing him through with her rapier, knocking him into a hardening vat of concrete, where he sunk and drowned. * But, Mr. Greed... I'm your friend...! ** Who: Bido ** Notes: Character, the last surviving follower of the first Greed, discovered the new incarnation of Greed beneath Central. Greed, having no memories of his past incarnation, calmly killed Bido, only to have the experience revive his past memories. * No! Don't eat me! It hurts! HELP! LUST!!! ** Who: Gluttony the Voracious ** Notes: Character was a Homunculus created from Father's tendency to devour souls (since Father's plan circulated around Philosopher's Stones, which were created from live humans). After being wounded badly in combat, Pride, his older brother, declared that Gluttony had become a liability and decided to devour him to regenerate his own Philosopher's Stone and gain Gluttony's sense of smell. Gluttony died calling out to Lust, the sibling he cared about most. * ...where did the Stone go? * It's an attack from BEHIND! ''(is bitten on the neck by Heinkel)'' Impossible...! How could he move with those injuries...?! ...Dr. Marcoh! ** Who: Solf J. Kimblee ** Notes: Character had come to assist the Homunculi out of curiousity for how Father's plan would culminate, siding with whom he thought was the superior side. He was mortally wounded when his former subordinate, the lion chimera Heinkel, crushed his neck with his jaws. The first quote was his last actual words, and the second quote a disbelieving thought as he was attacked by Heinkel. Kimblee's dying body was then absorbed by Pride, who consumed him for extra power and the ability to perform actual Alchemy. * Damn...! ''DAMMIT! DAMMIT!'' I've been humiliated...! HUMILIATED! Me, Envy, jealous of ''you?'' Of you ''humans?!'' I'm a ''Homunculus!'' How can this pipsqueak kid see through me? It's the ultimate humiliation...! ''(sobs pitifully)'' ... Heh heh heh... I guess we'll see how long this adorable little alliance of yours can hold up! Oh well, best of luck with that, pipsqueak. ''(rips out his Philosopher's Stone and crushes it, causing him to disintegrate)'' Good-bye... Edward Elric... ** Who: Envy the Jealous ** Notes: Character was a Homunculus created from Father's jealousy of human beings and the desire to have his own family (evidenced by his Homunculi children). After being defeated by Colonel Roy Mustang, who was attempting to kill Envy and take his vengeance for Maes Hughes' death, Edward Elric, Riza Hawkeye, and Scar dissuaded his quest for vengeance, only for the weakened Envy to get mad and ask why former enemies were working together. Edward correctly surmised that Envy was jealous of humans and admitted that he pitied Envy, leaving Envy shattered in all his beliefs. Out of self-hatred, he killed himself, guessing that he was content to let them go on with their teamwork, before crumbling to dust. * Hey... Am I dying now...? For real...? What is dying like...? Such a pain... to think about it... but such a pain... living... too... ** Who: Sloth the Indolent ** Notes: Character was a Homunculus created from Father's contention to let others do his work for him. He was killed by Alex Louis Armstrong and Sig Curtis after a long fight that resulted in his Philosopher's Stone being drained. No longer able to regenerate, he disintegrated, admitting that life was a pain to go through, being the lazy creature he was. * Oh... you have my gratitude... thank you. ** Who: Fu ** Notes: Character had been prepared to sacrifice himself to take out King Bradley/Wrath by detonating bombs attached to his abdomen. Bradley diffused his bombs before he could detonate them, using his sword to cut off the bomb's fuses and fatally slashing through Fu's gut in the process. However, his body was stabbed through by Buccaneer, who had been mortally wounded by Bradley as well, managing to stab Bradley in the process (the first time Bradley had actually been injured the whole series). Buccaneer promised to help Fu to take Bradley to Hell, and Fu thanked Buccaneer with the above line before dying. * Well...I'm afraid the sooty air of Central doesn't agree with me...farewell to you, my comrades...I'll see you on the other side...somewhere magnificent...even greater than the summit of Briggs... ** Who: Buccaneer ** Notes: Character had been fatally wounded by King Bradley before managing to help Fu with wounding the Führer. He dies afterwards, subconsciously bidding farewell to his comrades. * Very good! Job well done, Bradley! That's the kind of man I brought you up to b—! ** Who: Gold-Toothed Doctor ** Notes: Character was mortally wounded by Selim Bradley/Pride, who stabbed him from behind with his shadow. His dying body was then used as a raw sacrifice for human transmutation, meant to transport Roy Mustang to Father. As a result of the transmutation, the doctor's body was morphed into a grotesque, fleshy blob. * Your trivial words of sorrow, of love and guilt mean nothing to me, young lady. My wife understands. She is the woman that I chose to live by my side. There are no more words that need to pass between us now. That's what it means to be the wife of the Fuhrer. And now you've spent all your time asking useless questions and lost your opportunity for vengeance. What a shame. Ah... I've lived my life by forever following the path that had been set for me. Thanks to the idiosyncrasies of humanity it was, at least, a life worth living for, and maybe even a life worth dying for. ** Who: Fuhrer King Bradley, a.k.a. Wrath the Furious ** Notes: Character was a human experimentation candidate set to be a candidate for the Fuhrer of Amestris. He was selected for the experiment to have a Philosopher's Stone injected into him, resulting in a human-based Homunculus created from Father's anger toward opposition. He later assumed the role of Amestris' Fuhrer, to help orchestrate Father's plan to become God. In the final battle, Wrath was mortally wounded by the dying Fu and Buccaneer, had his Ultimate Eye destroyed by Ling/Greed (leaving him a mortal man), and was then finished off in a battle with Scar, who had amputated his arms with destruction alchemy. He reflected upon his life as he lay dying, accepting that thanks to humanity, he had experienced a life worth living. * If you think ''that,'' then you still don't understand Edward Elric. ** Who: Solf. J. Kimblee's soul ** Notes: Character had previously been fatally wounded by Heinkel, then was absorbed by Pride, becoming one of the many souls that composed the Homunculus. The quote came from Kimblee's soul within Pride, who had managed to maintain his independence within the many souls that made up Pride as a whole. He called Pride out on trying to take over Edward Elric's body, giving up his "pride" to do so. This served as a distraction; a long enough time for Edward to deal the finishing blow. Pride expressed fear that Edward was going to kill him, to which Kimblee responded with the above line. With Pride's "death," Kimblee died as well. * Stop this... ''Stop'' this...! PLEASE ''STOP!!!!!!!!!!'' ** Who: Selim Bradley, a.k.a. Pride the Arrogant ** Notes: Character was the first Homunculus created by Father, made from his disdainful attitude toward humans. He adopted the identity of the Fuhrer's adopted son, Selim Bradley, to fool the populace. Badly damaged in the final battle, Pride attempted to take over Edward Elric's body, only to be stopped by Kimblee's soul, who chastised him for using a human body and throwing his pride away in doing so. Ironically, Pride had his soul entered by Edward Elric, who had turned himself into a living Philosopher's Stone. Ed managed to rip Pride's soul from his body and, in the process, crushed half his head, killing his container. His true form, a miniscule fetus, was extracted from Pride's body. This fetus later matured and became a reformed Selim Bradley. * I can't believe I let Ling and the little runt talk to me that way. Oh, I've had enough. Yeah, that's all I really need. You gave me everything I ever could want. He, he, he... Thank you, and goodbye... my friends. ** Who: Reborn Greed ** Notes: Character had been bitten in half by Father after leaving Ling's body, and while dying, reflected that friends like Ling and Ed, his friends, are all he really wanted. * But why?! I just wanted to understand this world's knowledge! I wanted to experience it, free! I just wanted to be FREE! ''FREE TO KNOW!!!'' * Just tell me what I was supposed to do! What'd I do wrong?! What should I have done?! ** Who: Father, a.k.a. Homunculus, the Dwarf in the Flask ** Notes: Character was an artificial human who had constructed a centuries-long plan to absorb God. After being dramatically weakened in the final battle, Edward Elric defeated him, destroying his Philosopher's Stone by punching through his chest. His power completely stripped, Father was dragged back into the afterlife by Truth. After dying, his true form was sent to the Gate, where he was sucked inside of the endless abyss within it. His first quote was his last words in the real world, and the second before being dragged back into the Gate. * Hello, Trisha... I'm home. So get this, Ed actually called me his father, although he did preface it with rotten. Living through all this endless years, I always felt like I've been structed with a curse, but then I found you, and we had our sons, and I suddenly felt blessed, grateful for the life I had. I've had a fulfilling life. And thanks to you, it has been enough. Thank you... Trisha. But now... believe it or not, I actually want to keep on living... I guess I'm pretty hopeless, aren't I, Trisha...? ** Who: Van Hohenheim ** Notes: Character says these words while reflecting on his life at Trisha Elric's grave before dying of old age. === ''[[Futurama]]'' === *I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like-- ''Gaaaargh''...!! ** Who: Hermes Conrad Fanboy ** Source: "A Flight to Remember" ** Notes: After Hermes declines {{w|limbo (dance)|limbo}} at a pool party, he recalls a traumatic memory as a participant at the 2980 Olympics, where he sees a careless young boy declaring to be like his hero and immediately runs to the extremely low bar despite Hermes warning him not to. The boy's backbone snaps and dies as a result, causing Hermes to forsake limbo-ing for most of his life. * Farewe-e-e-e-e-e-l-l-l-ll...! ** Who: Countess de la Roca ** Source: "A Flight to Remember" ** Notes: After waiting as long as they can for Bender, the crew launches the escape pod. Bender leaps from the ''Titanic'', Countess in tow. He grabs the escape pod, but they exceed the weight limit. The Countess sacrifices herself and is sucked into the black hole, allowing the others to escape, upsetting Bender. * Oh, thank you! Thank you, glorious masters. I-- ** Who: President McNeal ** Source: "When Aliens Attack" ** Notes: Character says before being vaporised by Omicronian leader Lrrr's laser gun. Lrrr demands Jenny McNeal, the fictional main character of ''Single Female Lawyer'', whose season finale was inadvertently knocked off the air by Fry one thousand years prior. * Party on, contest winners. Party on. ** Who: Slurms McKenzie ** Source: "Fry and the Slurm Factory" ** Notes: Slurms McKenzie, exhausted from his years of partying, arrives and sacrifices himself to save Fry, Leela, his two super models, and Bender by trapping the Slurm Queen in a cave-in area and turning up his boombox volume high, collapsing the area with him in it. *Let Claw-Plach begin! ** Who: Decapodian King ** Source: "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" ** Notes: Character says as he declares Claw-Plach, a ritual fight to the death, to begin. After more fighting, Fry and Zoidberg look up to discover the entire Decapodian audience has left – including Edna, who has decided to mate with the king. Once every Decapodian is underwater, masses of eggs float to the surface after the mating frenzy of the species. However, it is revealed that Decapodians die after mating, and so Zoidberg's life has been spared by his failure to secure a mate. * Nooo! I can't stand to look! ** Who: Edna ** Source: "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" ** Notes: Character says as she looks away from Fry and Zoidberg battling each other to death. After more fighting, Fry and Zoidberg look up to discover the entire Decapodian audience has left – including Edna, who has decided to mate with the king. * In the glorious robot workers' paradise, there will be no liquor! Only efficient synthetic fuels. ''[Bender: No liquor?! Dosvedanya, comrade!]'' No--! ** Who: Comrade Greeting Card ** Source: "Mother's Day" ** Notes: As Bender sees a {{w|multi-pack|six-pack}} of strawberry champagne, Comrade Greeting Card retaliates against liquor as an "opiate of the human {{w|bourgeoisie}}". Outraged by this, Bender rips the card into pieces. * This is not happening...! ** Who: Free Waterfall Jr. ** Source: "The Problem with Popplers" ** Notes: Character says after being eaten whole by Lrrr after sparing Leela. * I'll tell you... with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream... A dream of killing all humans, and this is how it must end? Who's the real seven-billion-ton robot monster here? Not... I. Not... I.... ** Who: Giant Bender ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: After having his feet snipped off by an enraged and boiled Zoidberg, Giant Bender topples over and impales himself on the Empire State Building. A tearful Fry admonishes the citizens of New New York about the tragedy of Bender, whose final words lament his inability to fulfill his dream to kill all humans. Bender dies, and the scenario ends as the onlookers silently watch on. * I just told you! You killed me! ** Who: Professor Farnsworth ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon), Leela became more impulsive and killed the Professor by knocking him into a pit of man-eating anteaters. While being eaten he yelled "Oh! you've killed me! you've killed me!" After attacking him, Leela cried, "Oh God! What have I done?", prompting him to (humorously) respond as above. * What are you hacking off?! Is it my torso?! IT IS! MY PRECIOUS TORSO! ** Who: Hermes Conrad ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If" scenario (not considered canon), Leela was forced to kill Hermes (offscreen with an axe after incapacitating him with martial arts moves) after he discovered that she had murdered Professor Farnsworth. * Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt me with... Hey, what're you doing with that microwave? ** Who: Bender ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon), Bender tried to blackmail Leela after she killed the Professor and Hermes. She used a microwave to short out Bender and kill him. * ''[Leela: Do you have any gum?]'' No... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ** Who: Amy Wong ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon), Leela went on a killing rampage. After murdering Bender and making his body into a go-kart she decided that when she felt the urge to kill, she would ask someone for a stick of gum. When Amy insulted her ("Wow! Sporty go kart, Leela! So hip and sexy; not like you at all.") and answered the "gum" question in the negative, (Leela did not have any of her own at the time) Leela killed her, too. * (Annoyed grunt) This is preposterous! Obviously, the murderer is... ** Who: Cubert Farnsworth ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon) nearly everyone at Planet Express was murdered. Dr. Zoidberg assembled everyone in the study to watch him solve the crime. Leela was clearly the murderer, though, and Cubert was about to say so, until Leela shut off the lights and impaled him on a sword. * Scruffy knows who killed them people! In Scruffy's opinion, it were-- ** Who: Scruffy the Janitor ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon), after killing everyone at Planet Express, Leela was in danger of being exposed by the immense trail of clues she had left behind. Scruffy managed to solve the crime, but was impaled by Leela on a sword before he could finish his thought. * The murderer is...is...my God, it can't be! The murderer, it was-- ** Who: Dr. Zoidberg ** Source: "Anthology of Interest I" ** Notes: In a "What-If?" scenario (not considered canon), Leela had killed almost everyone at Planet Express. Though she was obviously the murderer, Zoidberg managed to remain confused until a letter from Bender arrived clearly stating that she had killed everyone. Before he could finish, though, Fry interrupted, bored, and left to watch TV. Leela proceeded to kill and eat Zoidberg. * PARTY! ** Who:Human Bender ** Source: "Anthology of Interest, Part II" ** Notes: In a Non Canon What-if Scenario, Bender goes hedonistic after becoming human, and becomes morbidly obese. He convinces scientists at the Nobel Prize gathering to join his hedonistic lifestyle. He then calls for said party. At the beginning of the party, he apparently suffers cardiac arrest. This may not have been his last words. * I'M HIT! So cold. ** Who:General Colin Pac-Man ** Source: "Anthology of Interest, Part II" ** Notes: In another non-canon what-if scenario, the world is similar to a videogame. In a parody of Space Invaders, The "Nintendians" fire through the machine that Fry is using, directly hitting General Pac-Man. After saying that line, he folds up and vanishes. * Too late do I realise that me children are me only real treasures. ** Who: Space Pirate Captain ** Source: "Godfellas" ** Notes: After Bender is accidentally shot out of the torpedo tube into space, he crashes through the pirate spaceship where the captain briefly reminisces his life before exploding. * We will solve our own problems as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers. ''[Bender: Convert them?]'' With radioactive vapor! ** Who: Malachi ** Source: "Godfellas" ** Notes: Character says moments before being killed with his family in a nuclear bomb on Bender's abdomen. * Look, Daddy! I'm hugging God. Mmm! Mmm! Maybe if I hug him real ''hard'', he'll save us from-- ** Who: Malachi's Jr. ** Source: "Godfellas" ** Notes: Character says before being killed with his family in a nuclear bomb on Bender's abdomen. * My...one regret...is that I...have...boneitis! ** Who: "That Guy"/Steve ** Source: "Future Stock" ** Notes: "That Guy" was an 80's lawyer who used [[w:cryogenics|cryogenic freezing]] to find a cure for "boneitis". He took over Planet Express Shipping, but neglected to get his illness treated, and died. * Whoa! That's a little bright... ** Who: Unnamed Scientist ** Source: "Crimes of the Hot" ** Notes: Due to severe global warming, scientist Professor Wernstrom has created a gigantic mirror to reflect sunlight. Unfortunately, the mirror was struck by a stray meteorite in orbit, causing the mirror to start shining extremely volatile light onto Earth, frying this poor scientist. * I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code. ** Who: Lars Fillmore ** Source: "Bender's Big Score" ** Notes: Lars, who was a time duplicate of Fry, was reunited (by Fry himself) to his ex-fiancee, Leela, whom he left at the altar. Nudar appears at the cryogenic lab, and asks for the time code from Lars, or lose the woman he loves. After Leela states that Lars never loved her, Lars states that he always loved Leela, and decides to give Nudar the time code. He Jumps on Bender-2, who detonates, killing Nudar and Lars instantly. * WHAT THE--?! ** Who: Nudar ** Source: "Bender's Big Score" ** Notes: Nudar went to the Cryogenic Lab and wanted the time code from Lars. Bender-2 jumped on Lars and Nudar, whom were blown up on impact. * O, here will I set up my everlasting rest and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And lips, o you, the doors of breath. seal with a righteous kiss. Here's to my love. (gasping) Oh! (gurgling) ** Who: Calculon. ** Notes: Drank poison on the set of a Romeo and Juliet play. === ''[[w:Gargoyles|Gargoyles]]'' === * Now it ends, usurper! ** Who: King Duncan ** Notes: Duncan tries to kill Macbeth to avert a prophecy that Macbeth will replace him as king of Scotland. Macbeth holds up an orb he was given by the Weird Sisters, so that Duncan's sword shatters it instead. The magic of the orb sets Duncan's body on fire, and he topples over a cliff to his death. * All my lovely magic...! ** Who: Archmage ** Notes: The Archmage had swallowed all the power of the Grimorum Arcanorum, and used the Eye of Odin to control it. Once Goliath snatched the Eye, he lost control of the magic and was reduced to dust by it. * Never... my Princess.... ** Who: Magus ** Notes: Magus spent all his energy fighting the Weird Sisters and lay dying. Princess Katherine (who, unbeknownst to her, the Magus had been in love with) begged him not to leave her. * Oh... Yes... The sun, can you see it Goliath? It is beautiful... ** Who: Broadway (illusion) ** Notes: The character died in an illusion created by Puck, where he was blind. * The world needs your order like it needs another Ice Age! ** Who: Brooklyn (illusion) ** Notes: Character is speaking to the Xanatos Program in an illusion created by Puck. The Program exposes him to virtual sunlight to turn him to stone, then shatters him, along with Angela. * No! My daughter! My love! Goliath, listen. This world is not real, it is controlled by the mind. If your will is greater, you can defeat him! ** Who: Demona (illusion) ** Notes: The character died in an illusion created by Puck, in cyberspace. * Whatever you're up to, it won't work. ** Who: Xanatos Program (illusion) ** Notes: This was a computer program of the character David Xanatos in an illusion created by Puck. Talking to the head of the virtual Goliath. * You've ''lost'', Goliath! Even if you destroy this terminal, there are a thousand others all over the city! ** Who: Lexington (illusion) ** Notes: In an illusion created by Puck, Lexington was revealed as the mastermind of an effort to use the Xanatos Program to take over the world. His body is destroyed in a fight with Goliath, but he probably planned to download his consciousness into the network in the same manner as the illusion world's Xanatos. * My... love.... ** Who: Sacrifice ** Notes: This character, introduced in the comic book continuation, didn't really have a name but was called "Sacrifice" in the script. She died saving her mate from a barrage of arrows. === ''[[w:Ghost in the Shell|Ghost in the Shell]]'' === ==== Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG ==== * We are known as the Individual Eleven. Even if we have failed today on our mission, the individual egos will carry on our corrective will. Therefore, the threat of death means nothing to our people! ** Who: Inndividual 11 Terrorist 4 ** Note: Said when cornered by the police while holding a hostage. Motoko taunts to this man "You don't say. Well, then, go ahead and die." then opens fire on his face until his head is blown off. * And today, we are gathered here to execute one final act! The hour has come, to take up our cause! ** Who: Individual 11 I ** Note: At the conclusion of giving his speech, the I Individual 11 member begins the mass suicide of the gang by cutting off each others heads, save one, Hideo Kuze. === ''[[w:Golgo 13|Golgo 13]]'' === * You idiots draw this out any longer and I promise I'll make you REGRET IT! ** Who: Jake Quade ** Notes: Hijacking a plane enroute to El Paso, Quade was planning to smuggle missile plans to Colombia. But from 2 kms away, Golgo 13 shoots him dead. * I'm assuming that you want to have the honor of killing Golgo 13. ** Who: Younger Sabine Brother ** Notes: In a desert battle against Golgo 13, the younger Sabine brother attempts to draw Golgo out for the elder to pick him off. But Golgo allows the rally course to blot out his position and shoot the younger Sabine in the head. * I don't understand it! But how... How did my bullets miss, and yours traveled far enough to hit me? You bastard! ** Who: Elder Sabine Brother ** Notes: After being fatally shot in his duel with Golgo, the Elder curses how his bullets would hit him from a slope. * It's a custom, an M16A2 huh? Then it is a masterpiece of an assault rifle. ** Who: Kaiser ** Notes: Cornered after Golgo 13 shoots out his van, Kaiser admires his assailant's M16A2 assault rifle then begins to laugh hysterically before being shot dead off camera. * Stop it! Hey, you got it wrong! Uh she, she's lying! Please, listen! LINDA, LINDA! You BITCH! ** Who: Ricky ** Notes: A henchman of Big Marty O'Brien's, Ricky is accused of making out with his girl Linda, and it thrown off the penthouse lookout to his death. * Billy... Kill Golgo 13 in front of Linda for me. ** Who: Big Marty O'Brien ** Notes: A moment after giving this order to his top goon Billy, Marty is shot in the head by Golgo 13's silenced pistol. * He's already here. Polishing his rifle barrel right about now. ** Who: Bentner ** Notes: The leader of a small gang in Patterson City, Bentner is tortured for information on stolen money, but Bentner reminds his torturer, Don Giovanni that he has hired Golgo 13 to assassinate him. He is killed off camera and dies smiling. * Well then I look forward to it. ** Who: Don Giovanni ** Notes: Anticipating that Golgo 13 will come after him, Don Giovanni arranges for bulletproof glass to shield his apartment. He then bids this to his henchman Brian. These are his last words heard as later, Golgo 13 uses a semi-auto M16 to breach the bulletproof glass and shoot Giovanni in the head. * Looks like he had the last laugh. He for the instant the helicopter passed between the central cargo building and the GMC room. To aim for a narrow window like that I... I utterly... lost the battle. He showed... he showed perfect accuracy in aiming for his targets like no one I've ever seen. The way he fought at close range with his M16, in ways I couldn't predict... That will be.. be a valuable lesson for next time. No, I guess not... ** Who: Katz Dobert ** Notes: In the aftermath of failing to protect Bayer Mahaad, Katz is dying from injuries from Golgo 13's rifle and the SWAT bullets. He then acknowledges Golgo 13's skill with a gun. * A monster, and a perfectionist... Golgo 13! ** Who: Victor Lance ** Notes: After Golgo 13 shoots out his camera short of photoing the moment he fires, Victor prepares to report the bad news to his boss. Suddenly, he spots Golgo 13 in some trees, and soon, an off-screen shot rings out, meaning Victor Lance might have been killed. * Excellently done, to think that's what you were after... But with guns we... we were... equals... ** Who: AX-3 ** Notes: After demolishing a CIA toxic weapon facility, AX-3 is contracted to kill Golgo 13 to double his pay, but Golgo throws a knife fatally into his would be killer. * HEEEEEEELP! Don't stand there! hurry up and help me! ** Who: Mikhail ** Notes: The leader of a radical hit religion cult, Mikhail is cornered in the sewers by Golgo who unmasks his hideous face and burns the tar, scaring Mikhail's followers away. Golgo then snaps Mikhail's neck. * You'll have to ask the Angel of Death once you've passed away, Mr. Doherty. ** Who: Fergas Walton ** Notes: After J.J. halts an attempt by Doherty to kill him for the loss of his daughter Vanessa, Walton gloats this, failing to notice the pool waves made by the girls in his clinic have changed the angle of a ricochet shot. Using this, Golgo 13 is able to snipe Walton dead. * It... wasn't luck... at all! ** Who: J.J. ** Notes: After his boss is killed, J.J. learns that Golgo 13 made a lucky ricochet shot, and after being shot in the head, he laments his death wasn't a lucky one. * Mom! just calm down! There's no way you're gonna use that gun! You're gonna shoot your blind eyes out! ** Who: Hank ** Notes: Being one of the men who robbed a gangster-run casino, Hank is found out by his mother and is accidentally shot while she is trying to kill Hank's partner, Ted Coleman. * Dammit. It's the money! The money, isn't it? you're trying to take it all for your-! ** Who: Ted Coleman ** Notes: After escaping the motel where he lost his partner Hank, Ted Coleman learns Sheriff Burt Walsh wants the casino money for himself and is executed. * I'm the best shot in the entire state of Utah. I even won a competition four years ago at the county fair, gave me a blue ribbon. ** Who: Sheriff Burt Walsh ** Notes: A small-town sheriff who is the true mastermind of the gangster-casino robbery, Walsh is cornered by Golgo 13 and fatally loses a duel against the assassin. * Truly impressive... Golgo 13. ** Who: Brigitta ** Notes: Following Golgo 13 to a meat warehouse run by a drug kingpin, Brigtta has a blind duel with Golgo. After being shot by him, she acknowledges his skill and dies. * Step on it, will ya'! ** Who: Jose Campos ** Notes: A Mexican drug runner using a stolen armored truck to escape to Mexico, he makes his scapegoat Shannon from a San Antonio police blockade, but Golgo 13 makes it under the truck, and fires a round that pierces the bottom of the truck and straight up into Jose's brain. * You're unarmed, so what could you possibly do? ** Who: Pamela ** Notes: A PIRA colleague of Cold-Blooded Catherine, Pamela accuses her of betrayal then is shot dead through the curtain by Golgo 13. * I'm sorry, Pamela. You were my one and only friend... ** Who: Catherine ** Notes: In a meeting with her former PIRA colleague Pamela, Catherine is shot dead, then in her last moments, laments that Pamela was a true friend to her. * But how...? How were the soldiers I made, perfect and unafraid of death, unable to kill you? It's not possible! ** Who: Igiri Sorvino ** Notes: A former KGB agent who wanted revenge on Golgo 13, Sorvino is shot by Golgo himself and laments on how his unafraid soldiers failed to hit his assassin. Golgo answers the fear of death, as it keeps the average man alive. * I don't believe it! He blocked it! That's impossible! ** Who: Ben Pierce ** Notes: Being a fake Golgo 13, Ben Pierce attempts to protect Golgo's target during a performance, but the assassin deflects the knife and shoots the imposter. * Gabriel Rosmacdonaro... Ingemar Petensen... I want you to kill those two guys for me Golgo 13. Of course, I know better than anyone that a pro like you won't act on sympathy or pity. I don't expect you to, not for a minute. But I got no one else... And I got more than 3 and a half million dollars sitting in a Swiss bank account with no one to claim any of that money. I wanna use it to hire you, Golgo 13. The account information is written on the back fabric of my left breast pocket. Well, will you take on this job for me, Golgo 13? If you don't answer soon... it'll be too late for me. ** Who: Spartacus ** Notes: In a battle at the Colosseum, Spartacus is fatally shot by Golgo and then informs him of the two millionaires who take joy in murder, Gabriel Rosmacdonaro and Ingemar Petensen. Knowing they will be assassinated by Golgo, Spartacus then dies. * I confess that it's not that I couldn't pull the trigger because you and I shared the same bed... It's just that I simply ran out of bullets, that's all. Would you have let me go... if I hadn't pulled a gun on you? Goodbye, my dear assassin... ** Who: Red Pepper ** Notes: A female CIA assassin who had been on the run for killing a Russian diplomat, she is shot by Golgo then bids this farewell to him. * This is-is what makes a first... first-rate enforcer...? ** Who: Degnar ** Notes: A gym chemist who betrayed Golgo by sending his statistics to the FSB, and wanted the reward money to kill him. But when he was close, Golgo fires a spear from a pipe at Degnar, who then laments how he was dealing with a first-rate. === ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' === * Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you're adorable! ''Adorable...!!'' ** Who: Wax Sherlock Holmes ** Source: "Headhunters" [Season 1, Ep. 3] ** Notes: Character melts in the sunlight before he could end Dipper's life. * ''[Mabel: Y'know any limericks?]'' Uh... there once was a dude from Kentucky... ''[Mabel: Nope!]'' Wahh! ** Who: Wax Shakespeare ** Notes: "Headhunters" [Season 1, Ep. 3] ** Notes: Character says before being tossed into a fireplace by Mabel. * Boooo! Lame! C'mon! This stinks! ''La-a-ame!'' ** Who: Dipper Clones #5-10 ** Source: "Double Dipper" [Season 1, Ep. 7] ** Notes: Characters say after a small smoke from a party popper pulled by Dipper causes the sprinklers to activate, melting the clones except for Tyrone, Tracey and Quattro, the latter two ride away from the Mystery Shack on Robbie's stolen bike. * ''[subtitled]'' "It's better this way for Paper Jam Dipper." ** Who: Paper Jam Dipper ** Source: "Double Dipper" [Season 1, Ep. 7] ** Notes: Character is weak to water. He melts under a sprinkler. * It's okay, dude, I had a good run. Remember what we talked about. ''[Dipper: Uhh, of course!]'' Hey, and quit being such a wimp around Wendy, okay? For my sake...! ** Who: Tyrone ** Source: "Double Dipper" [Season 1, Ep. 7] ** Notes: Character is weak to water. He melts after drinking a soda. * All I've ever wanted is for someone to say that I was good. ''[crying candy corn tears of joy]'' I'm so happy...! ** Who: Summerween Trickster ** Source: "Summerween" [Season 1, Ep. 12] ** Notes: Character is eaten by Soos, followed by local boy Gorney re-emerging. * Come on, Big Henry. You can do this... ** Who: Big Henry ** Source: "The Golf War" [Season 2, Ep. 3] ** Notes: Character dies while pushing a golf ball through a gas leak. * No, WAIT! ** Who: .GIFfany ** Source: "Soos and the Real Girl" [Season 2, Ep. 5] ** Notes: Character's programming is destroyed by Soos as he throws her game disc into the oven. * You promised, Northwest! ** Who: Archibald Corduroy * Pacifica, you are not like the other Northwests. I feel lumber justice. ** Who: Ghost of Archibald Corduroy ** Source: "Northwest Mansion Mystery" [Season 2, Ep. 10] ** Notes: Character is swept away by a mudslide and struck in the head by a falling axe. Before dying, Corduroy cursed the entirety of the Northwest family, swearing to return 150 years later and exact vengeance upon them should they still refuse the citizens of Gravity Falls admittance to the party. He later returns as a ghost. After Pacifica opens the main gates against her father's orders and granting entry to all citizens, Corduroy's ghost—having fulfilled his ancestor's promise—lifts the curse turning all party guests into wood and ascends into the afterlife. * Bill Cipher. You are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. ** Who: Lolph ** Source: "Weirdmageddon Part 1" [Season 2, Ep. 18] ** Notes: He confronts Bill Cipher for disrupting the rules of space-time and possessing time traveler Blendin Blandin with Time Baby and the rest of the Time Police, only for Bill to disintegrate the entire force except for Blendin. * If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now or face my tantrum! ** Who: Time Baby ** Source: "Weirdmageddon Part 1" [Season 2, Ep. 18] ** Notes: He attempts to get Bill Cipher to stop his "Weirdmageddon" by threatening him with the rest of the Time Police, only for Bill to disintegrate the entire force except for Blendin. * It's a DEAL!!! ** Who: Bill Cipher * You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! Please! NO! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! NRUTER YAM I TAHT REWOP TNEICNA EHT EKOVNI I, NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM, L-T-O-L-O-X-A!!! STANLEY!!! ** Who: The ghost of Bill Cipher ** Source: "Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back the Falls" [Season 2, Ep. 20] ** Notes: Shouted as one last plea to Stanley Pines as they are both wiped from Stanley's mind, Bill being erased from existence and Stan's memories being erased. Stanley defeats him by punching his eye, shattering and obliterating him. Played forwards, what he says is: "A-X-O-L-O-T-L, my time has come to burn, I invoke the ancient power that I may return." === ''[[Gundam]]'' === : ''See [[last words in Gundam media|last words in ''Gundam'' media]].'' === ''[[Hellsing]]'' === * No! I don't like this! ** Who: Jessica * That's enough of this shit! ** Who: Leif ** Notes: A pair of weak vampires murdering whole families and scrolling heretical messages on the walls of their homes, these vampires are encountered in a tunnel made by Alucard of their previous victims. Seeing Alucard's recuperative power, Jessica flees, then Leif yells the latter and tries to riddle two machine guns into Alucard, but the Hellsing vampire guns Leif down and vaporizes him. Jessica is shot by Seras Victoria who is discovering her own vampiric abilities. * Mick's body has already been cremated. ** Who: Captain Gareth Henderson ** Notes: One of the officers of the Hellsing Organizaiton forces. While the vampire Enrico Stivaletti calls out to Mick, Gareth points out the college student Mick was already dead and has been cremated. Moments after this, Gareth is cut down by Hellsing's competitor Paladin Alexander Anderson. * Remember, Integra... Be glorious... ** Who: Arthur Hellsing ** Notes: Years before Hellsing, in his dying moments, Arthur passes the Hellsing leadership to Integra. * You can't admit how you feel until you've been beaten. That's alright, I like it that way. ** Who: Paul Wilson ** Notes: During his and Seras's Mexican Standoff, Paul Wilson, and SAS operative shifts to a freak vampire form. He then gloats this. Soon after, Seras shoves an incendiary napalm round into his mouth and hopes on his way to Hell, he will apologize to the Hellsing operatives lost in the battle at the Tower of London. His face is then blown off. === ''[[Hellsing Utimate]]'' === * Shut up! You're nothing but the Hellsing Family toy! A dog for the church of England not even fit to call himself a vampire! Above all... ** Who: Luke Valentine ** Note: Alucard interupts Luke before feeding him to his dog familiar. * Beware... the... Millenium! ** Who: Jan Valentine ** Notes: Having found out that Jan Valentine has failed in his mission, the Millennium begins to burn him alive. He then flips Integra off and warns her on the Millennium organization. * This is exactly... what I hoped my war would be... ** Who: The Major ** Note: He says this as he dies from a gunshot to the head. === ''[[w:The Heroic Legend of Arslan|The Heroic Legend of Arslan]]'' === ==== 2015 anime ==== * Go, men! ** Who: Vahriz ** Note: After saying this, Vahriz makes a valiant last stand against the Lusitanian soldiers, but is soon easily cut down by Hilmes. * YOU ON THE WALLS OF ECBATANA, PIERCE ME NOW WITH AN ARROW! IT'S TOO LATE TO SAVE MY LIFE! DON'T GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OF TORTURING ME! I WOULD DIE WITH HONOOOOOOORRRR!! ** Who: Shapur ** Note: Being tortured, Shapur implores his fellow Parsians to shoot him dead with an arrow, then Gieve does shoot him in the head with an arrow. * Lord Kharlan, what are you doing here, with him? ** Who: Fake Tahaminay ** Note: After running away from Gieve, she is encountered by Hilmes, Kharlan and the Lusitanian soldiers. She sees Kharlan there with the soldiers and Hilmes noticed that she isn't the real Tahaminay. And as a result, she is strangled to death by the silver masked prince. * To the gate, men! Keep as many from entering as you can! ** Who: Garshaph ** Note: Despite Garshaph's defiant charge against the Lusitanian soldiers, he is trampled to death. * Your Highness... I cannot do as you order... ** Who: Kharlan ** Note: Dying from his injuries from his fight with Daryun, Kharlan refuses to listen to Arslan's advice to stay alive. * CAPTURE THE PRINCE AND KILL THE REST! ** Who: Hodir ** Notes: The leader of Kushan fortress, Hodir intended to use Arslan as leverage to gain further power. In the end, Arslan and Narsus saw through it, and Daryun killed the corrupt fort commander. * Someday, you shall become the greatest hero in all of Pars. ** Who: Osroes ** Note: Osroes says these words in a flashback, before he is killed off-screen by his brother, Andragoras. * You bastard! ** Who: Heyrtash ** Note: Heyrtash and his Zott bandit gang lead an opposition against Hilmes, but in the end, the former is killed by the silver masked prince. * I hope that you'll become a fine king someday... ** Who: Bahman ** Note: After Bahman takes a fatal blow from Hilmes for Arslan, he bids Arslan to forgive him and become a good king. * We've been tri- ** Who: Taara ** Note: Leading an ambush against Arslan, Taara, Gauvin's deputy learns too late a supply wagon carried archers and it shot in the throat. * The Parsian boy prince. FOR THIS, YOU DIE! ** Who: Gauvin ** Note: After being tricked into attacking a supply wagon that was actually booby trapped, Gauvin attempts to take out Arslan, but Daryun throws his spear into Gauvin's body, killing him. * A Parsian warrior. I hope there's some fight in you. If you die too fast, it won't be fun! ** Who: Bahadur ** Note: These are Bahadur's only words, before he fights Daryun in the Duel Before the Gods. Soon after a hard fight, Daryun kills him. * My only regret... is that... I never said how proud I am of you... Jaswant, my son... heed me well... Don't choose the wrong path as I... ** Who: Mahendra ** Note: In the aftermath of the riot at the Duel Before the Gods, Mahendra was slashed by the prince he once followed Gadevi. He then speaks with Jaswant one final time not wanting him to make his same mistakes. * You have grown from a brave boy into a fine man. I know now that I was not wrong to yield the throne to you, my mistake was in not turning it over sooner. ** Who: Karikala II ** Note: On his deathbed, Karikala admits he was right to hand his throne to his young son, Rajendra. * No! No, stop! ** Who: Gadevi ** Note: At a banquet which precedes his execution, Gadevi attempts to save his own life and get back at Arslan for ruining his life. His pleas fall on deaf ears and is beheaded. * This is the only power left to me. To choose to join my people and my god! ** Who: Count Barcacion ** Note: Knowing the Keep of Saint Emmanuel lost, Count Barcacion chooses to commit suicide instead of surrender to Arslan. === ''[[w:Horseland|Horseland]]'' === * Take care, sweet girl. And you too, Shep, I'll sure miss you. Bye, you two. ** Who: Mosey ** Note: Is hit by a passing car and in his final moments, takes a stroll through the winter blizzard while Sarah is still asleep, so she doesn't wake up and see his dead body. When Sarah wakes up to see he's gone and all she finds of him is his vanishing footprints in the snow, the closest she comes to announcing Mosey's dead is, "He's gone, Scarlet, and he's not coming back." === ''[[w:I Heart Arlo|I Heart Arlo]]'' === * Hmm...no. I'm gonna eat you! ** Who: The Bog Lady ** Note: Edmee rigs her shack with a self-destruct mechanism and makes it explode once the group is swallowed whole, causing the Bog Lady, who was over the shack in the first place, to explode along with it and free Arlo and the gang. The explosion results in a fire at the Heart of the Swamp where the Bog Lady sinks into the water and disintegrates, never to be heard from again. === ''[[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]'' === * Listen, Dio. I am not long for this world. When I die ''(cough cough)'' you get yourself to the Joestar mansion along with this letter. The fool thinks he owes me. This is your ticket to greatness. It's your only chance, Dio. Go out there and take this useless world for all you can get. ** Who: Dario Brando ** Note: On his deathbed, Dario hands his son, Dio a letter and implores him to pay the debt George Joestar had brought upon the Brando name. * Where better to die than in the arms of my son... ** Who: George Joestar ** Note: After fatally protecting Jonathan from Dio's knife, George has one final talk with his son. * Turn the corner so I can feast on you! ** Who: Jack the Ripper ** Note: Having become a vampire thanks to Dio, Jack the Ripper attempts to lure Jonathan into a trap, but is blasted by Hamon and blown apart. * I may die this day, but my hatred for you and your wretched family shall linger forever. Curses on you, queen! ** Sir Jonathan... I leave you this sword, given to me by my precious Queen, and the word engraved upon it: luck. But first, let me affix my own benediction: pluck. ** Who: Bluford ** Note: A knight in service to Mary- Queen of Scots, he gave himself up alongside his compatriot Tarukus to be executed for crimes against Queen Elizabeth in exchange for Mary's life. However on their execution day, it is revealed that their queen was killed regardless, and they declare their hatred towards Elizabeth and her bloodline as they are beheaded. The second quote comes from when Jonathan Joestar redeems Bluford (who returned as a zombie in service to Dio Brando) and he bequeaths his sword to Jonathan as he crumbles away into dust. * Elizabeth, you serpent! You took us for fools and murdered Mary anyways! * Enough of your blather; you talk too much. ** Who: Tarukus ** Note: Alongside Bluford, he served as a knight in service to Queen Mary until he was beheaded by orders of Queen Elizabeth. When he was resurrected by Dio Brando as a zombie, he confronted Jonathan Joestar and William Zeppeli in combat, fatally wounded Zeppeli in the process. However, when Zeppeli gave Jonathan his power of Hamon, Jonathan managed to defeat Tarukus with fierce vigor, caving the zombie's face in with a crushing blow and destroying the knight completely. * It seems to me that in you, I have found both a best friend and a new family. JoJo... through you... I will live on forever... My son... JoJo... ** Who: William Anthonio Zeppeli ** Note: After being wounded by Tarukus, Zeppeli accepts his destiny and dies of his wounds after speaking with Jonathan. His remains are then cremated. * You can't escape me with your human speed! ** Who: Adams ** Note: Adams is a Windknights Lot villager turned into a zombie by Dio. After attempting to sting his tongue into Poco, he is burned by Jonathan's Hamon. * Bit surprised, are you? ** Who: Doobie ** Note: Attempting to poison Jonathan with snakes seeping out of his body, Doobie is destroyed by his own snakes thanks to Jonathan's Hamon tricking them into attacking their master. * Those Hamon-filled rose's thorns do sting a bit. Ha, ha. ** Who: Dire ** Note: In an attempt to destroy Dio, Dire attempts his signature Thunder Cross Split Attack, but Dio freezes and shatters him to pieces. With his head, Dire spits a Hamon-filled rose at Dio, then gloats of discovering his weakness before his head freezes and shatters too. * Needle Vein Strike! ** Who: Page, Jones, Plant and Bornham ** Note: The four alien-looking zombies attempt to use appendages to attack Straizo, but he dodges, traps them in a chandelier, and burns them with Hamon. * Eh? Well, that's rather strange. The lock's undone. Queer bit of business. I can see a metal catch glinting on the inside there. But that would mean... that this trunk is locked from the inside! ** Who: Father Styx ** Note: Styx inspects Dio's coffin and sees the lock undone, but activates Dio's coffin sphere and it pierces his brain. * He's done for! Lord Dio overestimates his mighty power! Well, Jonathan Joestar, I'll scoop out what little brains you have with my bare fingers! ** Who: Wang Chan ** Note: As an Asian shopkeeper turned zombie, Wang Chan is attempting to get Dio's new body from Jonathan, after the latter destroyed Dio's body. However, using his last Hamon, Jonathan destroys Wang Chan's head and uses his body to destroy the ship. * JoJo! Let me go! Release me! Think of what we two can achieve! You'd like a taste of eternity, would you not? I can heal your wounds. You and Erina can live together forever! JoJo! No, it's too late. He's dead. * What the hell?! It's impossible; I am the immortal DIO! I am DIO!! ** Who: Dio Brando ** Note: Having his former body destroyed by Jonathan, Dio attempts to steal Jonathan's body, but fails. As the ship is destroyed, Dio is assumed to have been killed in the blast. For the second line, Dio had actually survived the explosion by stealing Jonathan's dead body and continues his plans for world domination (granted the power to stop time with his Stand 'The World' by a woman named Enyaba), only to be opposed by Jonathan's great grandson Jotaro Kujo. After a evenly matched final battle, Jotaro manages to land a shattering punch to Dio's Stand, causing it to break apart and cause Dio to explode. In his final moments, Dio laments how he could've been defeated again by a mere mortal. * Farewell to you, my beloved... ** Who: Jonathan Joestar ** Note: On the night of what would've been their honeymoon cruise to America, Jonathan Joestar sets the ship on a path to explosion to stop Dio and Wang Chan for good. Dying of his wounds, he bids these words to his wife Erina, who is the only survivor along with their soon to be born child and the child who would be known as Lisa Lisa. His body was later stolen by Dio in order for the villain to survive. * You son of a-! * There is nothing I regret, Joseph. All this time I planned on entering Hell while still vibrant and filled with energy, not as some withered desiccated corpse. I cannot tell you the ecstasy I have felt in being young again. ''(Joseph: Straizo, wait. Not yet! I need to know more!)'' Farewell to you, JoJo! ** Who: Straizo ** Note: The last remaining disciple of Master Tonpetty, he had used the power of the Stone Mask found in possession of Santana's tomb to destroy Joseph, Speedwagon, and Erina, only to fail after being defeated by Joseph in battle before he could put his plans into action. The first quote comes as he is blown apart by a cluster of grenades ensnared on his tunic, only for him to reassemble his body moments afterward. After being defeated a second time, he warns Joseph of the looming threat the Pillar Man presents, before his body radiated with Hamon as he commited suicide by blowing himself up with the immense energy within. * I've seen right through you all this time, Joestar! ** Who: Santana ** Note: The Pillar Man vampire, Santana after being awoken tries to jump into the well water to protect himself from the sunlight, but Joseph Joestar predicts these words from him to say, then reduces him to a statue. * Give her my love, Caesar... ** Who: Mark ** Note: A German soldier stationed in Italy who gets Joseph and Caesar into the Pillar Men's resting grounds. Seeing the German guards sucked dry into husks, Mark runs away frightened sees the Pillar Men free. Caesar tries to warn him, but Wamuu walks through destroying half the soldier's body. To ease his pain, Caesar euthanizes him with his Hamon, with Mark giving this words for his girlfriend back home. * You will inhale for ten minutes, and then exhale for ten minutes. The mask does not come off until then! ** Who: Loggins ** Note: One of the two top servants of Lisa Lisa, Loggins says this during Joseph and Caesar's training. A while later, he is killed off-camera by Esidisi. * I can't... I can't... You're only a human. I am the evolved one, the highest life form! I will not be beaten! Now that you've pushed me too far! * And now, just to make things interesting, I will make this girl's body explode and cover you all in blood that burns as hot at boiling lava! ** Who: Esidisi ** Note: His corpereal form says the former words before it is destroyed. His brain survives long enough to possess Suzie Q. His other last words are said as his brain possesses Suzie Q. After this, Caesar and Joseph blast Esidisi's brain into the sunlight and it is vaporized. * Young man, I beg from you a favor. Make your way to Venice and speak with a woman named Lisa Lisa, it's a matter of life of death! She is the only one who has any chance of stopping them! Hurry... Hurry, please find her! ** Who: Mario Zeppeli ** Note: Being the son of Will A. Zeppeli, Mario trained in Hamon and found the ruins the Pillar Men were resting in. Watching his son Caesar whom he didn't recognize activate the Pillar Men's booby trap, Mario sacrifices himself and is ensnared by the spears. He then warns his son this warning to find Lisa Lisa. * I... I'm not afraid to die here... But I am a proud member of the Zeppeli family, so you see, it's in my blood... Something like this, might mean nothing to a demented inhuman monster like you...! My father didn't recognize me, but he sacrificed his life to save mine anyway. My grandfather gave his Hamon energy to save JoJo's grandfather right before he died. It's tradition. I have to do something. I... I can't let my life's flame, just sputter out to darkness...! This is the Zeppeli family spirit, handed down from the past to ensure the family's future! It's the human spirit! JOJO, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY HAMOOON! TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEE! TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ** Who: Caesar Anthonio Zeppeli ** Note: Having lost his fight with Wamuu in Kars' abandoned hotel hideout, Caesar thinks about his family's proud tradition of sacrificing themselves to save another's life. To turn death into a fighting chance to live, Caesar uses his Hamon to wrap his headband containing Wamuu's lip ring (with the antidote inside) in a blood bubble, then slumps over and dies as a stone cross crushes him. * Don't be ridiculous, I'm not-- AAARGH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! ** Who: Wired Beck ** Note: An escaped convict turned vampire, Wired Beck ambushes Joseph and Lisa Lisa in the hallways of Kars' hotel hideout. However as he attempts to impale her with body spikes, Lisa Lisa uses her scarf to send Hamon through Wired Beck and destroy him from the inside out. * I have no regrets. I am glad I was able to witness your growth as a warrior. Perhaps the reason I lived these thousands of years was so that I could meet you at the end. Farewell to you, warrior JoJo... ** Who: Wamuu ** Note: After their battle, Joseph Joestar loans Wamuu his blood to ease his pain as he dies, then takes his antidote. In his last breathes, Wamuu admires Joseph's growth as a warrior, then crumbles into dust, blown away by the wind. * No! The Earth! No! Don't panic! Just find the Earth. I'll use air to change my trajectory. Once I'm back on solid ground, I will tear that boy apart! ''(starts to freeze and groan in pain)'' No! It's not working! I'm freezing! The air is freezing around me! The moment it comes out of the jets, it turns to ice! I can't change my path! I can't move! ** Who: Kars ** Note: After the final battle between him and Joseph Joestar, Kars is blown into space. The Pillar Man tries to fly back down to the Earth to continue his fight, but the air freezes him and turns him into a block of ice forever. He begins to wish for death, but as there is nothing in space to kill him, Kars eventually stops thinking. * You got married?! ** Who: Robert E.O. Speedwagon & Erina Pendleton-Joestar ** Notes: While these may not be their last true last words, these are the lasts words heard from Speedwagon and Erina. The epilogue mentions that Erina would handle work as a school teacher before dying in 1950 surrounded by her family and friends. Speedwagon continues work to finance the world before dying in 1952 of a heart attack, leaving no family as a bachelor. * Farewell, you annoying Englishman! * Our technology is the greatest! ** Who: Major Rudol von Stroheim ** Note: A Nazi-era scientist who aided Joseph and the others in fighting Kars' forces by creating UV-light technology to combat against vampires. For the first set, he says them before blowing himself up in an effort to kill Santana who had breached his body. While the other set may not have been his true last words, these are the last words he is heard saying in the story's epilogue (which explains that he died during the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]] and never saw Joseph or the other characters again). * You bastards won't even see Egypt. Your deaths will be swift and painful! ** Who: Gray Fly ** Note: A terrorist recruited by Dio in an attempt to stop Jotaro and the others from reaching Egypt by method of his Stand- Tower of Gray. After Kakyoin defeated the Stand with his Hierophant Green, the group discovered the pilots were killed prior by Gray Fly's Stand. With the last of his strength, Gray Fly mocks the heroes' efforts to continue on their journey and inform them of the rest of Dio's assassins that will pursue them, succumbing to his wounds shortly after. * But your power was being drained... You let yourself go limp on purpose didn't you? You concentrated your power in your fingers... That's what you were thinking all along... ** Who: Fake Captain Dragon ** Note: The fake Captain Dragon sent by Dio who had killed the real one. The imposter fights Jotaro underwater and even with his power being drained by barnacles forming all over his Stand, Star Platinum still pierced the Dark Blue Moon Stand with a surprise attack called Star Finger. As he sinks to the abyss, the fake Captain Dragon realizes what Jotaro was doing too late. * You idiot! No assassin worth the damn would ever reveal his Stand's identity. It only happens in the face of death for him or his opponent! You guys are so stupid always showing off your Stands everywhere you go! It's your own fault that we know all your weaknesses! If it weren't for that mirror, I would've killed you! You're just a moron who got lucky! ** Who: Soul Sacrifice ** Note: A Native American assassin with his Stand, Ebony Devil's ability to build up rage and murder his victims. Speaking through the doll his Stand possesses that Silver Chariot had crippled, Soul Sacrifice gloats Polnareff he will not reveal the identity of the man who killed Polnareff's sister or his Stand and reminds him he was just lucky to survive Ebony Devil's onslaught. As Ebony Devil attempts one last attack, Polnareff uses Silver Chariot to slice the doll except Soul Sacrifice's testicles, killing the assassin. His body is found by a janitor in a public bathroom. * It won't open! ** Who: Centerfold ** Note: Hol Horse's partner with two right hands and Enyaba's son, Centerfold has utilized the Hanged Man Stand to attack his targets from reflective objects. When his plan to distract Polnareff and Kakyoin with beggars failed, and with his Stand heavily cut, he tries to make a getaway but finds the gate shut. Then, Polnareff tells him he's more good at sobbing than his sister whom he had killed. Before sending him to Hell, Polnareff announces he would turn Centerfold into a pincushion then cuts him up so devastatingly that he goes flying into the gate hanging himself. * PLEASE, JUST STOP IT! I BEG YOU! ** Who: Nena ** Notes: Hol Horse's Indian girlfriend who's actually an ugly obese woman hired by Dio. With her Stand Empress, she attempts to steal Joseph's body to disguise as him after killing him. But Joseph traps the Empress Stand in tar. As the tar solidifies on her, Nena speaking through her Stand begs this but Joseph reminds her Hermit Purple would hurt him as much as it would her. Before blowing Empress apart, he tells her once children grow up, they need to depend on themselves (referring to Empress mockingly calling Joseph her father and remarking at one point that children need to be raised to be free, lest they rebel). Nena emerges from her disguise as she was trying to distract Polnareff and collapses dead on the spot. * He believes in me, so I'll serve him even in death... I won't betray him... ** Who: Enyaba ** Notes: Dio's prophetess with two right hands like Centerfold, and user of the zombifying Justice Stand. In Karachi after she is incapacitated, Dan of Steel plans a flesh bud inside her and it tears her face apart. Before drawing her dying breath, Enyaba tells Joseph she would never mutiny against Dio but doesn't realize Dio doesn't care for her. * Jotaro... You... You thought you could... You thought you could manipulate me and force me to tell you information regarding the other eight Stand users, didn't you? Ugh! I'm very well aware... that Joseph Joestar's Hermit Purple can view into the minds of others... Ugh! You'll never get inside my head, and I'll never tell you anything that you could use against my master... Ah ha ha ha...! ''(Jotaro: Dio. I don't understand why you're so loyal to him. Are you honestly telling me... that you'd die for him?)'' Jotaro... You're right, you don't understand. Fear of death holds no place in my heart. Hah! Because of the power of my Stand, I've always been able to live a life unencumbered by such inconsequential fears like death. I could always win any fight. I could have and do whatever I wanted... Killing and stealing were absolutely meaningless to me. You should talk to the mutt about it. I'm sure he knows how I feel. Dio was the first person, who was able to look deep within my soul and find something more. He was the one who gave me a desire to live. That glorious force of nature, he was so strong, so wise, so beautiful! He was the one and only person in my life to ever see a purpose for my existence. I waited such a long time, for an opportunity to meet him. I will gladly die for my master's sake. ''(coughs)'' But no matter what, I refuse to do anything that would disappoint him... ''(vomits blood)'' And after all, evil or not, a scoundrel needs someone to put his faith in... ''(chuckles)'' I'll tell you this before I go; You should know what my name is N'Doul, and my Stand hails from Egypt, the birthplace of the Tarot; It's referred to as one of the Nine Gods of Egypt, Geb of the great Ennead. We call it the God of the Earth... ''(Jotaro: Nine Egyptian Gods! What does that mean?)'' Ha ha ha! Sorry, but I'll only tell you about my Stand. It's only fair since you're the one who ended up stopping me, but info on my compatriots goes with me to my grave... ** Who: N'Doul ** Notes: The blind user of the watery Geb Stand. His action's resulted in Geb clawing at Kakyoin's eyes and Avdol's neck injury. After he is defeated by the combined efforts of Jotaro and Iggy, N'Doul pierces himself with his own Stand to keep Joseph Joestar from interrogating him. He then gives this explanation on how he was a villain and how he came to serve Dio. After telling Jotaro of everything there is to know about his Stand, he dies along with the information on his allies as Geb evaporates. * Hey! Yoohoo! Oh, fishies, look down here! Come on, swim over to me! Hey, wait! Where are you going?! Hey, Mr. Crab! It's a pleasure to meet ya'! Would you mind doing me a favor and taking me ashore? I'll give you something yummy. WAIT, Mr. Crab, you just can't leave me here! I'll be rusted through in a couple of days! Please, help me! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! OOOOH HO HO, I'M SO ALONE! ** Who: Anubis ** Notes: The sword Stand with the ability to take over a man's mind, and see through attacks so it won't fall for them a second time. After a long fought battle with the Stand, Anubis tries to possess a cow on a boat, but falls into the Nile river. It cries for help to some aquatic fauna, but it's not answered. The Anubis Stand later rusts in the river off camera. * My god! What IS that abomination?! Impossible! Neither my flames nor Iggy could sense it! Where did it come from?! POLNAREFF, IGGY, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW! ** Who: Muhammad Avdol ** Notes: A fortune teller and user of the fiery Magician's Red Stand. While searching Dio's Mansion for Dio, Avdol senses danger when he finds the message "When you turn your heads, you will perish!" As Vanilla Ice materializes with his Stand Cream, Avdol warns this to Polnareff and Iggy before pushing them out of the way. Avdol is not fortunate and he is vaporized by Cream's ability to suck one into a sub-dimension. * The Fool! ** Who: Iggy ** Notes: A boston terrier and user of The Fool Stand. Searching through Dio's Mansion, Iggy says this and has The Fool instantly take out Billie Jean and his illusionary Tenor Sax Stand. Iggy says nothing else and helps Polnareff by trying to use a fake Dio to take Vanilla Ice by surprise. The attempt fails and Vanilla Ice kicks Iggy to the point of mortal injury. Iggy uses the last of his power to save Polnareff by sending him up to the ceiling and dies of his injuries. His soul then ascends to heaven with Avdol's. * Yes, it'd be an honor. (sets up a pot for Dio) What is mine is yours! * YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DEFEAT ME! ** Who: Vanilla Ice ** Notes: Dio's most loyal servant and user of the dimensional Cream Stand. On the first part, Vanilla Ice offers his blood to heal the scar keeping Dio's stolen body of Jonathan from being completed. It is rejected and Dio offers his vampiric blood to to resurrect Vanilla Ice as a vampire himself. After a lengthy fight with Polnareff, the Frenchman discovers the vampirification Vanilla Ice went through by luring him into the sunlight. Vanilla Ice then yells the second part to which Polnareff replies "Now go to hell, asshole...!" Silver Chariot knocks Vanilla Ice into the UV lights and vaporizes his body. * WHAT'S HAPPENING!? ** Who: Senator Wilson Phillips ** Notes: A US Senator whom Dio used to chase down Joseph and Kakyoin. During the car chase, Senator Phillips cries this and Dio replies "And what precisely would I gain by explaining the situation to you? Pay attention to the road and drive!" Seconds later, Dio throws the senator at Joseph's getaway truck killing the senator, however Joseph and Kakyoin get out. * It's a message... I don't have the strength to give you another... Mr. Joestar... You have to decipher it... You have to let... the others know... ** Who: Noriaki Kakyoin ** Notes: The red-haired green-outfitted user of the Hierophant Green Stand. In the final battle against Dio, Kakyoin works to decipher Dio's secrets to his Stand, and in the villain's world of frozen time, Dio pierces Kakyoin's abdomen with a punch via The World. Knocked into a water tower, Kakyoin uses his last Emerald Splash to knock out a clock tower, learning the secret for Dio is to stop time. He gives this last word to Joseph for him to warn to the others and finally dies. * Stay away from him. Y-you're no... match... ** Who: Joseph Joestar ** Note: During the final battle against Dio, Joseph attempted to warn Jotaro about the power of Dio's Stand The World, only to be beaten to the punch as Dio unleashes a temporal wave that stops time. Seizing the opportunity, Dio hurls a knife at Joseph's windpipe, which manages to kill Joseph as he uses the last of his life to weakly tell Jotaro the danger he faces. However, after Jotaro defeats Dio, he transfuses the blood from Dio's corpse to bring Joseph back to life. * I can't help but feel like someone really dangerous is hiding in this city. ** Who: Officer Ryohei Higashikata ** Note: Josuke's grandfather and the police officer who had Angelo Katagiri arrested several years ago, he speaks up in saying he suspects a dangerous criminal might be on the loose as they watch a news story about disappearances in Morioh. After Josuke leaves the room to meet with Jotaro Kujo, Angelo uses his Stand Aqua Necklace to fill the glass with brandy, which Ryohei drinks. When Josuke returns, Ryohei is found lying on the floor dead as the Stand escapes the officer's body. * You know if you kill me, the guy in the school uniform won't let it slide! He lives in this town too! ** Who: Angelo Katagiri ** Note: A notorious criminal in Morioh City, Josuke defeated him by using his Stand, Crazy Diamond, to trap him inside a giant stone and render Angelo's Stand powerless. However, as the Stand attacks a young boy who came across the rubber glove where the Stand was trapped as he told the story of how he got his Stand ability from a young man in a school uniform (later revealed to be Keicho Nijimura), Josuke crushes the boulder with a series of punches after Angelo insults his hairstyle, causing the boulder to then reassemble and trap Angelo in stone forever, and saves the child from certain death. * Okuyasu, you were always holding me back. ** Who: Keicho Nijimura ** Note: A high school student who had claimed Enyaba's mystic bow to create Stand users who could help him destroy his pitiful warped father (who was transformed into a wart-covered demon following the death of Dio, who he had pled service to). After a fight against Josuke, he explains the story of his father's fate and how he and his brother Okuyasu tried to survive. It is not too long after when the Stand of Akira Otoishi- Red Hot Chili Pepper- attempts to steal the bow and arrow and ensnares Keicho in its grasp as it escapes through an electrical outlet. Keicho's body is then found dead and charred, dangling from the telephone wires outside. * Josuke! * I... found... you! ** Who: Shigekiyo Yangu ** Note: A middle school student that became friends with Josuke and Okuyasu, he had the misfortune of running into a serial killer named Yoshikage Kira, and discovered the severed hand of one of his victims. In retaliation, Kira used his Stand Killer Queen to silence him by turning a 100 yen coin snagged by Shigekiyo's Stand- Harvest- into a bomb by using Killer Queen's ability. Even as Shigekiyo survives the first explosion, Kira threatens to murder the boy's parents if he did not reveal the names of the people looking for him. After Kira was distracted by one of Shigekiyo's Harvest minions, the boy attempted to get Josuke and Okuyasu for help. Unfortunately, Kira had beat him to the punch by using Killer Queen to turn the classroom doorknob into a bomb, blowing Shigekiyo out of existence, as the youth screams out for Josuke. Shortly after, the remaining Harvest minion comes before the two with Kira's shirt button, before it too is eliminated. * His face... ** Who: Aya Tsuji ** Note: A beautician in Morioh who used her Stand ability Cinderella to provide cosmetic surgery for her clients, Kira sought her out after his battle with Josuke and the others which led with him cutting off his own hand to free his Sheer Heart Attack bomb in order to create a new identity. After performing the surgery, he beat her to an inch of her life to keep his new identity hidden and rigged her to explode when Josuke and the others arrived to help her, only for Okuyasu to protect them at the last second. * I-I'm a book... ** Who: Terunosuke Miyamoto ** Notes: A man who is given the Enigma Stand by the Bow and Arrow, Terunosuke is known to find a fear sign in his victims and trap them in paper. Yuya Fungami bravely sacrifices himself to free Josuke and Koichi to turn the tables on Terunosuke. Learning that the Enigmma Stand user will be extremely scared when he closes both eyes, even though he said he'd kill him, Josuke uses Crazy Diamond to rapidly punch him and some paper, leaving him to a fate worse than death, being a book forever as Terunosuke says these. The book is then donated to the Morioh Library. It is then said that if you ask for the title "Enigma" to the staff, they'll bring the book to you, but can't take it home, as you can hear Terunosuke's voice within. * Let go! Okay? Let go! Where do you think you're taking me?! Hey! ** Who: Cheap Trick ** Notes: The Stand that can kill anyone trying to stare at the owner's back, Cheap Trick is lured to Reimi's alleyway. He complains on where the spirits will take him, but Rohan plans to send Cheap Trick to hell, never to return. * What?! How can you do that, you bastard?! [Josuke: Right there. Detonate.] YOSHIKAGE! ** Who: Yoshihiro Kira ** Notes: Yoshikage's father who's spirit lingers on in a photo via Atom Heart Father. Yoshihiro attempts to contact his son on a cellphone whilst hiding in Hayato Kawajiri's jacket. Josuke disguises his voice to fool Yoshikage into using an air bomb on his own father. About to be blown up, Yoshihiro calls out to his son before he is vaporized. * I'll push that button...just wait and see. I'll blow you to hell...if I do...I can live up my days in peace and quiet. * Oh, God, no! Where are they going to take me?! Say something, please! I have to know why they're taking me! What are they going to do?! Free me! ** Who: Yoshikage Kira ** Note: A 33-year-old man who wanted to live a quiet life, was confronted by Jotaro, Josuke, and the other Stand users in Morioh after discovering Kira was behind the disappearances and murders going on in their town. After Josuke and friends defeat Kira, thanks to a young boy named Hayato (who discovered Kira was posing as his murdered father) leading them on, Kira threatens to destroy the group by activating Killer Queen's ultimate ability, Bites the Dust. Before he gets the chance, however, a runaway ambulance rolls backwards over Kira and crushes his head to a pulp. As his spirit lingers, he ends up confronting a girl named Reimi (who he had murdered several years ago along with her dog Arnold and the rest of her family) who has his soul dragged into Hell, assuring him he will not find any solace in the afterlife. * What the hell is that creature? ''(Giorno: It came back.)'' Smack it off! ''(Giorno: This frog has nothing to do with this. I won't smack it off.)'' I gave you an order, and I told you to pay me a protection fee! So you're going to ignore both of those? You're going to tell me, Leaky-Eye Luka, no to both of those things?! ''(Giorno: This is a living creature that has its own conscience, and it's thinking on its own. You really shouldn't. I never could just smack it off.)'' You're... You're... ''(Giorno: Don't! It's harmless as long as you don't do anything!)'' You're finished! ** Who: Leaky-Eye Luka ** Note: A thug for the gang Passione, he confronted Giorno Giovanna by the Naples airport and asked him to pay a protection fee under the pretense of striking up a friendship, unaware Giorno had paid off two officers before meeting Luka. However, when Koichi Hirose's luggage (transformed into a frog by Giorno's Gold Experience Stand) returns to Giorno, Luka demands for Giorno to smack it away, only to become infuriated when Giorno refuses. He attempts to smash the frog on Giorno's chest with his shovel, only for the power of Giorno's Stand to reflect the attack back to the gangster, caving in his skull. Though he survived the ordeal, he was killed by other members of Passione and parts of his corpse were used by Bruno Buccellati to interrogate Giorno. * What was that noise? ...Well, whatever. ** Who: Polpo ** Note: A member of Passione that oversaw Bruno's group, he proposed a gang initiation test for Giorno to prove his worth by asking him to guard a cigarette lighter for 24 hours and keep it lit. When the flame inevitably went out, it summoned Polpo's Stand Black Sabbath, which attacked from within the shadows, killing a janitor that it suspected of relighting the dowsed lighter, causing Giorno to fight in retaliation alongside Koichi, eventually defeating the Stand. As an act of payback, Giorno sent Polpo a gun disguised as a banana by Gold Experience which blew Polpo's brains out when he attempted to eat it. * It really blows, huh? It looks like your little shopping excursion, wasn't as cut and dried as you thought it'd had be. Hey, Narancia! Well things are going to get a lot worse from here on out, for all you... cogliones...! ** Who: Formaggio ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni and user of the Tiny Feet Stand. In a final standoff between him and Narancia, Narancia's Stand Aerosmith riddles Formaggio and his Stand with bullets. Before dying, Formaggio warns that his opponent's mission was all for naught then drops dead. * I did it! I stopped it! Now to take this back with me into my lethal looking glass! ''(One of Purple Haze's virus pods latches next to Illuso)'' What? ''(Purple Haze's virus is released beginning to envelope Illuso)'' WHAT?! But how?! I blocked it's punch, I didn't strike anything! I was physically and mentally prepared to plunge myself into the real world! ** Who: Illuso ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni and user of the Man in the Mirror Stand. Illuso thinks these believing himself safe from Purple Haze's virus capsule, but the virus is released making boils appear all over Illuso. Purple Haze then pummels him and in the end, Illuso is left shriveled like a raisin. * Do it... Glory is yours for the taking, finish him off, Pesci! My time has come, but I'll be watching you... from the next life... Make me proud... ** Who: Prosciutto ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni, Pesci's partner and user of the Grateful Dead Stand. Bruno tricks Beach Boy's ability to snag its target and clogs Prosciutto into the train machinery. About to draw his dying breath, Prosciutto bids these to Pesci hoping that he will win. Ultimately, Pesci is killed and the Grateful Dead user dies in vain but not before Prosciutto had used his cell phone to make an off-camera phone call to warn his comrades. * The only ones falling from grace are your friends in this damn TURTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! It's over; Enjoy burning in hell, Bucciarati! ** Who: Pesci ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni and user of the Beach Boy stand. Determined to win against Bucciarati, he tries to crush Coco Jumbo who is still holding Bucciarati's comrades inside and says this in the process. But Bruno makes Sticky Fingers extend it's arm to punch him. Bruno then tells him "I can tell you lived life as the eternal screwup. Don't change on my account." before having his Stand rapidly punch Pesci so ferociously that the Beach Boy Stand User is broken into bloodied pieces and falls into the river. * WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ** Who: Ghiaccio ** Note: Back on land, Ghiaccio freezes the air surrounding him which shields the air hole, making it bulletproof. After retrieving the disc through a struggle, he is then pushed backwards by Mista which causes a splintered lamp post to impale him through his air hole and neck. Ghiaccio then suddenly freezes his own blood but manages to stay alive only momentarily when Giorno uses his Gold Experience to repeatedly kick him against the post, impaling Ghiaccio's throat and killing him by neurogenic shock. * Why is a snake in Roma Termini? ''(A tan snake drops onto his shoulder)'' What? It's burning! This must be that annoying newbie's doing; He must have used Junior's corpse to-! ** Who: Melone ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni and user of the Baby Face stand. After his Stand is defeated, Melone hopes to use his remaining life blood sample to mass produce an army of Baby Faces. But Giorno uses the remainder of Baby Face's corpse to make a snake, catching the Stand User off guard with this quote. A second after that, the snake bites Melone's tongue, killing him instantly. * Listen to me carefully, ragazzi. I'm relaying the specifics for your final mission; Strict confidentiality requires me to to adopt this bizarre mode of communication. Under no circumstances are you to share any of the following, as you will now learn the way that Trish to be delivered to the Boss. Now let's get to it; When you arrive in Venezia, you are to proceed to this sculpture. Inside, you will find and obtain the O.A. Disk. It contains specifics concerning the location of the handover. And that's it, your job is to obtain the O.A. Disk. By now, the enemy is aware of my influence, so the way in which you deliver Trish is absolutely critical. Discretion's our most powerful ally. Not a shred of evidence can be left behind. I've lived a full life thanks to the Boss's innumerable blessings. It was replete with adventures most can only dream of. My mission is now complete. Be safe, ragazzi, and may my prayers reach his ears. ** Who: Pericolo ** Note: A capo in Passione, Pericolo briefs this to Bucciarati and Giorno's crew to locate an O.A. Disk within a statue. To hopefully cover Bucciarati's tracks, Pericolo takes a gun to his own head and kills himself. This death was confirmed via Moody Blues' recording. * I'm telling you... that I'm not dying alone...! His Stand may have flayed my flesh, but it all works out. 'Cause those chunks; The ones with my essence that are scattered everywhere, will let me use them to drag you to Hell... Now fire, Aerosmith...! Die! ** Who: Risotto Nero ** Note: A member of La Squadra Esecuzioni and user of the Metallica stand. On the brink of death after a bloody fight with Doppio, Risotto latches some of his Metallica onto Narancia's Aerosmith Stand hoping to finish the Boss off. But as the bullets fire, Diavolo erases time for half-a-second so that the bullets rip through Risotto instead. * Oh, hell. Go on, move out of the way! * Y... You're-! That's right! You! You died on patrol because I took that bribe! ** Who: Leone Abbacchio ** Note: A member of Passione who previously served in Naples as a police officer before his partner was murdered and he was fired from the force. He was constantly at odds with Giorno but allied with Bruno and the others to protect Trish from her father when they discovered their boss was out to kill her to preserve his identity. After the boss's other identity, Doppio, fled to replenish nutrients to stay alive after a near fatal fight with Risotto Nero (a traitorous member of Passione branch La Squadra who sought revenge against the Boss for murdering one of their own) and disguised himself as a boy playing soccer with his friends. After Abbacchio got the children's ball out from a tree, he says the above quote. The disguised Doppio used the Boss's Stand King Crimson to punch a hole through Abbacchio's chest, leaving him to bleed out to death. The second quote is said when Abbacchio, in the afterlife, recognizes his dead partner and realizes he is dead as well. * But...but you said... that if I just stayed still that I-I would still m-make it out of this alive... ''(Giorno: Oh, give me a break. If you really thought I was being serious, then you're the worthless fool. I don't spare pieces of shit!)'' What did you just call me?!?! ** Who: Cioccolata ** Note: A deranged former surgeon who serves as one of Diavolo's chief assassins; he was responsible for the death of La Squadra members Sorbet and Gelato (which eventually urged the other members into going against their leader) and attempted to kill Giorno and the rest of the group in Rome before they could reach the client (Jean Pierre Polnareff) that would assist them in killing the boss. His Stand Green Day had the ability to kill its opponents with a rapidly growing mold-like substance that would overcome them at lower altitude levels, but he was eventually incapacitated by Giorno, who falsely promised to spare him earlier. As Cioccolata is begging for his life and makes one last effort to kill Giorno, he is beaten violently into submission by Gold Experience and is sent flying into a garbage truck, which then slowly crushes his body. * Trish! I'll protect you 'till my dying breath! That's a promise! ** Who: Narancia Ghirga ** Note: Said after attacking the Boss during the final fight of the series, but the Boss uses his ability to skip time to kill Narancia by impaling him on a spiked iron gate. * Just try and read my future movements, Boss. Try to figure out what I'm going to do in a few seconds. Try to see beyond time. You should be able to see me after I've reached the first floor. * Giorno... This is fine... Don't worry, Giorno... The fact that we made it here... Is a complete victory... This is good... Everything will be fine... Fate is a sleeping slave... We have set it free... That is victory... ** Who: Bruno Buccellati ** Note: The leader of his own squad of Passione, he and his team are tasked with protecting the Boss' daughter, Trish Una. Buccellati's team betray Passione after learning of the ulterior motive of the Boss: to kill his daughter and remain unknown. After saying the first quote, he is killed by the Boss while attempting to escape with Trish. Giorno uses Gold Experience's ability to give life to revive Bruno, but Bruno can only remain alive for a short period of time. During the final fight, the life Giorno gave him runs out, and he ascends to Heaven as a spirit, thanking Giorno with these final words. * Wait, that--- Right before I--- But I--- How dare you?! Only I may bend time! Oh, no, but premonitions always become reality! The future has already been written: King Crimson is bound for victory! * I'LL KILL YOU!!! * How... how many deaths must I die?! What'll happen to me next?! How much longer do I have to wait for the end?! Stay back! Leave me be! Don't come closer... ''STAY AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!'' ** Who: Diavolo/The Boss ** Note: Giorno uses the Requiem Arrow to obtain Requiem, and gains the ability to nullify any action by keeping the cause and removing the effect, the direct antithesis to Diavolo's ability to remove the cause and leave only the results. Diavolo, before being defeated, laments to himself that he should have won, before being beaten to near death (1st quote). He then says the second quote when he is about to be dealt the final blow, falling into the river nearby. Gold Experience Requiem's ability keeps him alive by reverting his death over and over, as he dies in different ways: first by being stabbed by a drug addict, then being dissected alive, next by being hit by a car. He says the third and final on-screen line as he is being approached by a small girl, backing away in fear. === ''[[Justice League]]'' === * See [[Last words in DC Comics media]]. === ''[[w:Reborn!|Katekyō Hitman Reborn!]]'' === * That's impossible!! ** Who: M.M. ** Source: "The Unexpected Demonic Leader" [Ep. 22] ** Note: Character uses clarinet as a weapon. However, the clarinet is filled with poison as she was poisoned and collapsed thanks to Bianchi. She was taken away by the Vandicare later on. * Arrivederci. ** Who: Mukuro Rokudo ** Source: "I Want to Win! Instant Awakening " [Ep. 25] ** Note: Character was on of the Kokuyo leader. His body really did die, but apparently he doesn't need one. * I'm sorry... but, I'm glad... it's you... ** Who: Timoteo ** Source: "Resolve" [Ep. 55] ** Note: Character was a 9th Boss of Vongola. However, apparently he got better and alive anyway. * I've had a great time here. ** Who: TYL Mukuro Rokudo * I'm so envious. * It's all yours ** Who: TYL Kyoya Hibari ** Note: The top last words is his final word and the bottom is his final thoughts. * Damn youuu! Don't... push your luck... After all, you people... are just... dancing to Lord Byakuran's tune... * I'm not afraid any more...My fear of heading towards death is completely gone...I'm calm...because god is with me... ** Who: Genkishi ** Source: "Revenge" [Ep. 171] ** Note: The top was his first death, and the bottom was said when he was hit by Kikyo's Bellflowers. * It's so blinding. I've lost to you. ** Who: Byakuran ** Source: "Sea. Clam. Rainbow." [Ep. 202] ** Note: Character was being blown away away by Tsuna's X-Burner, as his fate remains unknown. === ''[[w:Kingdom (Manga)|Kingdom]]'' === * Please, I beg you. I have family! I have four children! If I die, they'll become orphans and sold into slavery! Please, let me live, just spare my life, for my childrens sake! [Shin: Orphans?] Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. ** Who: Xu Wan ** Notes: The assassin responsible for killing Piao, Xu Wan attempts to get Xin to spare him by telling him of his children. He then attempts to take Xin by surprise, but is cut down by Ying Zheng who informs him "Your children... have no bearing... on your crimes." * You want Muta's poison darts? ** Who: Muta ** Notes: Knowing he will die from the previous fight with Xin, Muta decides to give He Liao Diao his poison darts as a parting gift. * Although it definitely was Pang Nuan's sword that took his life, it was unmistakable me, Wei Jia, whose arrow allowed the blow to happen. Even if the Middle Kingdom condemns this, surely you shall not call if cowardly, Wang Yi. ** Who: Wei Jia ** Notes: In the duel between Pang Nuan and Wang Yi, Wei Jia shoots an arrow into the Qin general's back and thinks about his accomplishment, but is soon struck down by Li Xin. * I lived for the battle, I built an era... The chance to die for battle is a gift. I've met promising seedlings of the new era, and can die with a light heart. At least I can join the friends who went before me... Liao is smiling, too. ** Who: Wang Yi ** Notes: Mortally wounded after his fight with Pang Nuan, Wang Yi entrusts Xin with his glaive, then says these as he dies smiling. === ''[[King of the Hill]]'' === * Do you now? ** Who: Cotton Hill ** Notes: After being badly injured at a Japanese Steakhouse, he is transported to a hospital. Before he dies, Peggy Hill (his daughter-in-law) hopes he could live forever in the friendless, spiteful existence that he created for himself. === ''[[w:Legend of the Galactic Heroes|Legend of The Galactic Heroes]]'' === * Lord Reinhard... Please win the Universe... * Tell Lady Annerose that Sieg kept his promise of long ago... ** Who: Siegfried Kircheis (Galactic Empire High Admiral) ** Notes: Reinhard's best friend, he was fatally shot protecting him from an assassination attempt. His passing has important repercutions in the future of the entire galaxy and on Reinhard. * A toast for democracy. ** Who: Alexandre Bewcock (FPA Fleet Admiral) ** Notes: Killed in Action after valiantly fighting the Alliance's last stand in the Battle of Marr-Adetta, and refusing to surrender after his defeat. * I didn't know it'd shed this much blood. But of course, it's tiny compared to the amount of blood i've made people shed up to now... * Oh dear, Miracle Yang became Bloody Yang. I'm sorry, Frederica... I'm sorry, Julian... I'm sorry, everyone... ** Who: Yang Wenli (FPA Fleet Admiral) ** Notes: Shot in the leg by Terraist Church conspirators, who didn't want his attempts at a peace treaty with Reinhard to succeed. He bled to death, full of regret about having sent millions of men to their deaths in his role as Fleet Admiral. * Sieg... Sterben... (German for "Died Victorious") ** Who: Oskar Von Reuenthal (Neue Reich Fleet Admiral) ** Notes: Was forced into rebelling against Kaiser Reinhard after being framed by his political enemies, and later got mortally wounded in battle. One of his last wishes was for his son Felix to be given unto Eva and Wolfgang Mittermeyer. * Once we seize space, we'll all... ** Who: Reinhard Von Lohengramm (Kaiser of the Neue Reich) ** Notes: Died of an incurable disease at the age of 25, having unified the Galaxy, fulfiled his promise with Kircheis, and left behind a son. According to Empress Hilda: "He didn't die from illness, he passed away having using all of his lifetime". ===''Lupin the 3rd'' === ==== ''Lupin the 3rd Part II'' ==== * Now! Fire the freezing solution! ** Who: Dr. Oz ** Source: "I Can Hear Nessie's Song" [Ep. 4] ** Notes: A Captain Ahab-like mad scientist wanting to capture the Loch Ness Monster. He is killed when Nessie attacks him after being freed by Lupin and his gang. * They've destroyed my baby! But they won't get away. I'm an evil genius, and the world trembles with my rage! ** Who: Dr. Paolo ** Source: "Is the Leaning Tower of Pisa Standing?" [Ep. 6] ** Notes: Dr. Paolo used an earthquake machine to try and destroy most of Italy. He was killed as his earthquake machine was destroyed. * They don't love you. Only I do! Only ME! ** Who: Don Marcino ** Source: "Venetian Super Express" [Ep. 8] ** Notes: A crime boss obsessed with jewelry. As his gang abandons him, Marcino says these to his jewels while Lupin looks on disgusted. After the railway bridge is blown apart by the combined efforts of Goemon and Jigen, Lupin escapes, while Marcino laughs maniacally as his box car falls into the water, presumably drowning him. * Help! Someone help me! Help me! ** Who: Howard Heath ** Source: "The Great Caribbean Adventure" [Ep. 14] ** Notes: A millionaire based on Howard Hughes, Heath acquires the sacred ruby, becomes sick in its possession and is killed by a swarm of hummingbirds. He dies grabbing onto Lupin's leg, which puts the thief in an awkward position when Zenigata finds them. * How dare you deface our sacred idol, you filthy heathen! ** Who: Black Magician ** Source: "The Great Caribbean Adventure" [Ep. 14] ** Notes: A cult leader looking for revenge against the Lupin family after the original Arsène Lupin broke into a hidden temple to steal a sacred ruby, which caused his father to be executed. He sets zombies to seize the gang. Lupin places plastic explosives on the idol to get rid of the zombies, but the cult leader is killed trying to remove them, despite Lupin's warnings not to touch them. * Don't... Don't move. ''(Fake Lupin: Or what, tubby?)'' Or... this! ** Who: Fugo ** Source: "The Two Faces of Lupin" [Ep. 16] ** Notes: One of the victims of the Lupin impersonator. Fugo tries to draw on "Lupin", but he ends up shooting him first. * You think you can stand there and laugh, do you? Well, I'm afraid the ultimate laugh will be mine, not yours. ** Who: Zenial ** Source: "The Two Faces of Lupin" [Ep. 16] ** Notes: Another victim of the Fake Lupin's robberies. He shoots at the impostor, but he blows him up with a grenade. * What's going on? ** Who: Francine ** Source: "The Two Faces of Lupin" [Ep. 16] ** Notes: A girl killed by Fake Lupin to frame the real Lupin for murder. * Let's flock together. ** Who: Lawrence III ** Source: "Aim for the Oildollar" [Ep. 17] ** Notes: Lawrence is a blackmailer who wants the Arabian oil fields for himself. Fujiko tricks him into swallowing the bomb he had made Lupin swallow and drugs him to knock him out, allowing Lawrence's former subordinates to blow him up. * It's simple. Just be one, WITH THE BREATH, OF YOUR DEATH! ** Who: Hissatsu Jinkuroo ** Source: "Goemon's Revenge" [Ep. 21] ** Notes: Jinen's junior disciple who betrayed and killed Goemon's master. As he and Goemon duel, a rainstorm comes and Jinkuroo says this prepared to kill him. But Goemon uses his sword as a conductor for lightning to fry Jinkuroo and burn him alive. * It's gonna hit! Stop it! Somebody, please! Ah! Look out! ** Who: Iron Lizard Warden ** Source: "Encounter With the Deadly Iron Lizard" [Ep. 25] ** Notes: The cruel warden of the prison that deploys Iron Lizard drone bombs at escaping prisoners. When his prison is destroyed, the warden is chased by one of his own Iron Lizards that Fujiko implanted with a dna sample. It's likely implied that he is killed. * Yeah, well, we can't have everything; I mean... I never got to rip his heart out and stomp on it either. ** Who: Linda ** Source: "A Rose and a Pistol" [Ep. 26] ** Notes: A flamenco dancer who lusts for Jigen and secretly on Von Meyer's payroll. Upon thinking Lupin and Jigen are dead, she says this. Meyer replies "I guess you're right." and they leave laughing evilly. Later, Jigen shoots out their car and all in the car, including Meyer and Linda are killed crashing into the water. * Alright now, in the name of the Revolution, don't miss him this time! ** Who: Foreign Legion Commander ** Source: "The Winds of Morocco Are Hot" ** Notes: A terrorist who is planning a coup, he captures Lupin and Zenigata to try and recruit them into his army. They escape, but Zenigata is recaptured. Lupin comes back to save the Inspector by sending a disconnected train car full force against the soldiers, then puts a cigarette lighter into the car so that it explodes. It's unknown whether the Commander was killed by the blast. * Tell me, what did it look like when you killed him, huh? ** Who: Tiger ** Source: "Lupin Dies Twice" [Ep. 32] ** Notes: Puma's employer. He's killed by the assassin after he thinks he's finished the job. * What?! Is that Lupin?! ** Who: Puma ** Source: "Lupin Dies Twice" [Ep. 32] ** Notes: A high-speed hitman paid to kill Lupin. After his attempt seemingly succeeds, he kills his employer and hears Lupin's voice shocked that the thief is alive. Lupin simply replies "Not me, though." and shoots the gun out of Puma's hand. Lupin then shows some lit dynamite and with Puma shocked, the former bids "I wanted to see that face... Just once, before I say; Hasta la bye bye!" before the dynamite goes off, killing the assassin and destroying the boat. * That's right, my friend! ** Who: Carmilla ** Source: "Lupin Who Turned Into a Vampire" [Ep. 34] ** Notes: A vampire woman who was once Jesus Christ's sister from 2000 years ago. Having awoken, she tries to use Lupin to take over the world with her vampire gang. Cornering Lupin's party at a cliff-edge, she says this. Jigen then tries to lob garlic staving her off a little. Then Goemon uses his sword and scabbard to make a substitute cross and pin her down. Lightning then strikes, destroying Carmilla and her vampire gang completely. * NON! No, this isn't happening! I'll never ever come across this like again in this lifetime! ** Who: Doctor Mad ** Source: "Lupin is Available to the Highest Bidder" [Ep. 46] ** Notes: A mad scientist with the intention to cyberize Lupin. Seeing Lupin supposedly killing himself but is a dummy, Doctor Mad curses this, before Lupin tranquilizes him. He is then thrown out to the beach and shot dead by his own cyborgs. * A gentle to the very end, and make no mistake; This IS the end. ''(Lupin: Don't make me kill ya'. That wouldn't make either one of us happy.)'' Stop the car! ** Who: Jacqueline ** Source: "A Pretty Woman Has Venom" [Ep. 49] ** Notes: A multimillionaire woman who is actually the head of the Cobra crime syndicate. After her lover is unexpectedly fed to her snakes, Jacqueline prepares to finish Lupin in the getaway car. He jumps out and releases Jacqueline's own snake at her, making the car fly out of control and off a cliff, killing her presumably. * Oh, Lupin... Yes I do... I remember now. We used to love each other... Mmm... It was nice, wasn't it, my love? ''(Lupin: Yes, it was.)'' Don't be upset, my love. That means, I lived... Thank you... Thank you... ** Who: Cornelia Zell ** Source: "The Lupin I Loved - Part Two" [Ep. 51] ** Notes: Helmut Zell's daughter and one of Lupin's old flames. Reanimated as a zombie puppet for Zell, she nearly kills Lupin, but is shot to her second death by Zenigata. As she dies, Cornelia remembers her old love with Lupin before dissolving to a skeleton. * This... This is the end! The end of everything! Look at the flaw, the soul of chaos, the undoing of all great things! There is no hope for man! If you dare look man's fate in the eye, Mr. Lupin, look at your beloved right now! Look! LOOK! ''(Lupin: You're wrong, Zell!)'' Man himself is a failed experiment... Auf wiedersehen! ** Who: Dr. Helmut Zell ** Source: "The Lupin I Loved - Part Two" [Ep. 51] ** Notes: A Nazi S.S. scientist who sought to reanimate soldiers for war. He had killed his only daughter Cornelia for protecting Lupin and died as a human sometime after, transferring his mind into a super-computer. After Cornelia is killed, Zell mourns the failure of his experiments and bids Lupin farewell before self-destructing. * I've been living in disguise since I was just a kid, and it's been one hell of a racket. So if you wanna go all samurai on me, go on, give it a try. ''(sheds his female wig revealing black hair and pulls out daggers)'' But remember, I'm not some delicate flower! ** Who: Kikuko Benten ** Source: "Mysterious Gang of Five [Part 2]" [Ep. 56] ** Notes: The supposedly female member of the Gang of Five who is actually a male in disguise. Having been challenged from the prints of Fuji, he sheds his woman disguise and challenges Goemon with this. In the end, he is knocked off a cliff by the samurai and it is likely he does not survive the fall. * Looks like it's just you and me now, my children! Don't you get any ideas about escaping, you're mine, you hear?! FOREVER! ** Who: Madame X ** Source: "The Mysterious World of Madame X" [Ep. 59] ** Notes: A supposedly supernatural woman living in a castle containing wax dummies made from murdered celebrities. Goemon destroys the source of her powers; A monstrous child. As the castle collapses, Madame X gives into her madness telling her "children" to stay with her forever and laughs madly before she is presumably killed in the cave-in. * Oh, this is very bad! ** Who: Basala Lavahna ** Source: "Suicide Flowers Bloom in India" [Ep. 60] ** Notes: Leader of the Basala Army armed with suicide beams that force victims to kill themselves. After being fooled with cow dung, Lupin and company fire a makeshift ballista fire bolt at Basala's air balloon. As it hits, Basala cries this as his balloon goes up in smoke, presumably killing him. * What the devil?! ''(Zenigata: Pull it over! Camone came clean, Sherlock! Y'er going away for a long time!)'' Grr! NO! ** Who: Sherlock ** Source: "The Flying Zantetsuken" [Ep. 61] ** Notes: An arms dealer nicknamed the Merchant of Death. He had planned to misuse Goemon's Zantetsuken sword on a drone to stir a war in Central Africa. Whence Lupin and company foil his drone, Sherlock is chased by Zenigata who attempts to arrest him. Just then, Goemon repays Sherlock by cutting his car apart and blowing the arms dealer up. * Oh no! I have to get out of here! No! ** Who: Sister Labina ** Source: "The Sound of the Devil's Bell Calls Lupin" [Ep. 62] ** Notes: A seemingly friendly sister who helps people into peaceful lives at Gemallschaft, but is actually brainwashing them to sell them as slaves. When the people are freed, Labina tries to make a getaway in one of her bubbles, but Lupin shoots a dart that prays hydrogen gas into the bubble. She tries to escape but Lupin bids her goodbye and Labina either suffocates or is blown up. * Hey, Jigen... ** Who: Mr. X ** Source: "Lupin's Enemy is Lupin" [Ep. 65] ** Notes: Disguised as Lupin, Mr. X breaks into a palace. He encounters the real Lupin and duels with him. Jigen promises to shoot the one who doesn't sound like Lupin. Mr. X says something noble, and Jigen shoots him. Jigen explains that if he was the real Lupin, he'd be begging for mercy. Mr. X tries to shoot Jigen, but misses completely and is killed once and for all. * You! But, how the hell did...? You bastard, I...! ** Who: Unknown man ** Source: "Order: Shoot to Kill!!" [Ep. 66] ** Notes: Beauty's target at the beginning of the episode. Beauty enters his apartment while he's asleep, and the man wakes with a start. He barely has time to reach for his gun before Beauty shoots him dead and sends him falling out his apartment window. * Jigen, I'm ze best zere is. Why the hell do you think Interpol picked me for zis assignment? And on top of zat, they also promised me a pretty, nifty, Christmas bonus! ''(Jigen: Man, so this is how I end up.)'' Shame you can't run away zis time. ** Who: Beauty ** Source: "Order: Shoot to Kill!!" [Ep. 66] ** Notes: An ICPO assassin who was hired to assassinate Lupin III using a Colt Python .357 Magnum and the illegal Dum-Dum bullets. In his final showdown with Jigen, he injures the gunman and explains his mission with this. Just then, Lupin saves the day giving Jigen a mercury explosive round for his own Magnum. When the bullet hits Beauty, the mercury and explosive vaporizes Beauty. * Not instantaneously, but after a minute. It's really nothing for you to worry about. Just a safety measure. As long as the machine hears my voice first, the signal to activate the device inside of you will be overridden. You see, my dear Laura, this way you can never betray your husband. ** Who: Pomade Jaws ** Source: "The Woman the Old Man Fell in Love With" [Ep. 69] ** Notes: Jaws was a millionaire who kept secrets hidden away in a safe that can only be activated first by his voice, then by Laura's with a device planted in her heart that's also a bomb if Laura's voice is recorded first. He is killed when Al Cabane has him run over with a truck. * I love to hear you say my name. Say it again. ** Who: Laura Jaws ** Source: "The Woman the Old Man Fell in Love With" [Ep. 69] ** Notes: Laura was a millionaire's widow who had a special device planted in her heart that would explode if a recording of her voice was played back to her. She had Lupin steal the safe that her voice would have activated, but he was captured, so she and Zenigata, who had started to fall in love with her, went on the run. They hide in a barn, but are ambushed and Laura is fatally shot. * Amateurs. Alright, come on, hurry up. Let's do this thing. ** Who: Al Cabane ** Source: "The Woman the Old Man Fell in Love With" [Ep. 69] ** Notes: A gangster who needed to record the voice of millionaire's widow Laura Jaws in order to open a special safe that will reveal classified government secrets. Zenigata does his best to protect Laura but she is killed in an ambush. Lupin helps to avenge Laura by slipping a small bomb into Cabane's pills, which he swallows along with the rest of the medicine. He explodes, along with the rest of his gang. * Okita, only money talks...! ** Who: Isamu Kondo III ** Source: "Lupin vs. the Shinsengumi" [Ep. 71] ** Notes: The grandson of the Shingensumi loyalist who fought the Meiji government in the past. Having been betrayed by Okida who wants to make Hokkaido independent, he sneaks away and tries to shoot at Okida, but a pitchfork hits him in the back, courtesy of Okida. Before dying, Kondo curses this to his partner. * HOKKAIDO WILL BE FREE! ** Who: Soshi Okida ** Source: "Lupin vs. the Shinsengumi" [Ep. 71] ** Notes: A samurai who utilizes an octopus in his goals and plans to make Hokkaido an independent country. Having been bested along with his octopus, he jumps into the Golden Cannon arming explosives strapped himself and cries this, killing himself and destroying the boat and cannon in a terrific explosion. * I won't let...anybody... defile my brides...! ** Who: William Hafner ** Source: "Fujiko Doesn't Look Good in a Bridal Gown" [Ep. 75] ** Notes: A sleazy man who marries and later kills his brides to preserve them for his mannequin collection. Confronted by Lupin, he attempts to kill him with a mannequin with defense guns, but the thief shoots the robot, making it hit Hafner. Desperate, he yells this and pulls a curtain, caving the mansion in on himself. * Well, it's only fair I tell you, since you influenced my decision. But I'm happy, believe me. After you left, I was empty. So I devoted myself to God. Now I'm finally feeling his promise of peace has fulfilled in me. I'm in your arms again. I lived to see the doctor rescued. May you know peace, Jigen, my love. ** Who: Angelica ** Source: "Do You Know Shakespeare?" [Ep. 76] ** Notes: Angelica was an old flame of Jigen's who became a nun after she proposed to him and he got cold feet. They meet again years later, and Jigen finds she's running a hospital. After discovering Dr. Othello's secret laboratory, the hospital is blown up. Angelica hastily searches among the rubble, not heeding Jigen's warnings. She steps on an unexploded bomb and is mortally wounded. * This idiot's a godsend, Mr. President. Let's get on that chopper right now. ** Who: Dr. Othello ** Source: "Do You Know Shakespeare?" [Ep. 76] ** Notes: Dr. Othello's real name was Secretary Brennan. He infiltrated a rebel group in Borodias as Dr. Othello to wipe out the rebellion and sell resources to other countries. Soon after the gang confronts him and the President, Zenigata arrives, with the good intentions of protecting the president. "Dr. Othello" doesn't think too highly of the rather clownish Inspector and they board the helicopter, which is then shot down by the Lupin gang to avenge Angelica's death. * Bugger off. ** Who: President ** Source: "Do You Know Shakespeare?" [Ep. 76] ** Notes: The President of an unnamed country was colluding with Dr. Othello to sell resources such as gold and diamonds to other African countries. When he's confronted by the group, he insults Zenigata as he and Secretary Brennan get on the helicopter, and then is killed by Lupin and his gang as they try to make their escape. * Well, you're amusing, if nothing else. I'll conceive that to you. ** Who: Kyoransky Momanitt ** Source: "Funeral March of Lupin III" [Ep. 79] ** Notes: Kyoransky is a classical music conductor looking to kill Lupin in revenge for Lupin killing his father, which the thief claimed he did in self-defense. They meet for a duel, and as Kyoransky uses his mind-control baton, Lupin deflects the sound waves back at him with a straining ladle, causing a possessed Zenigata to fire on him with a tank and reduce him to a smouldering crater. * I have no need for that. From the beginning, all I wanted was to kill every one of those bastard Nazis. ** Who: Peter (aka Mephisto) ** Source: "When the Devil Beckons to Lupin" [Ep. 87] ** Notes: A Jewish man who hypnotized Lupin into stealing back his family heirlooms for him, and set up a death trap to avenge the murder of his parents by the Gestapo. Lupin disarms him, but this ends up untethering the balloon filled with poison gas that Peter was about to release, and one of the hooks holding it to the ground impales him. * Superintendent, Inspector Zenigata isn't... ** Who: Shooter ** Source: "The Day the Old Man Died" [Ep. 98] ** Notes: The man who shot Zenigata, as part of a plan hatched with Truffaut, was his shooting teacher at ICPO. However, the man knew Truffaut was corrupt, so he shot Zenigata with a heavy sedative-hypnotic instead, causing the Inspector to fall into a deathlike sleep. He is shot by Truffaut to make sure the Superintendent's secret doesn't get out. * Incredible... ** Who: Wolf ** Source: "Goemon's Close Call" [Ep. 112] ** Notes: Wolf was an assassin who kidnapped and tortured Goemon. After Goemon is freed by Lupin, Goemon stabs Wolf in the back. * You got me. ** Who: Detective Horibe ** Source: "The Name of the Operation is Chuushingura" [Ep. 113] ** Notes: Horibe was a policeman who wanted to bring Lupin in dead. He tried to ambush him, but he and several officers were sprayed with gas, knocked out and then roasted to death on the boat by the police's own rockets. === ''Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic'' === * Go home to your country, Morgiana... That is... my... solemn final WISH! ** Who: Goltas ** Note: Jamil's large and mostly silent slave. With the Amon Dungeon conquered, Goltas implores Morgiana to leave and go home before shattering her chains, freeing her from Jamil's enslavement. He then carries Jamil away as the dungeon caves in on them, killing them. * Goltas, oh he's such a good boy. I'm going to give you as much corn as you want. Oh, way! Where's Morgiana? ** Who: Jamil ** Note: A slave owner who wanted to be a king. Having been denounced by Aladdin as a barbarian, Jamil was driven off the deep end. As Goltas carries him in the collapsing dungeon, he says this in an insane state of mind, and the collapsing dungeon kills them both. === ''Marvel Animated Universe (2012-present)'' === === ''[[w:Metalocalypse|Metalocalypse]]'' === * AND NOW MY FACE!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH! ** Who: William Murderface's Father ** Note: During a "rock talk" with John Twinkletits, Murderface's father is shown committing the murder-suicide of himself and his wife. He says this as the flashback ends. * Yeah! Alright! Everybody! Praise the Lord! ** Who: The Lead Singer for the band, Prayer Bolt. ** Note: While William Murderface explores religion, Dethklok attends a Christian Rock Band Concert. Toki, in his boredom, starts a mosh pit, and ruins the barrier between the stage and crowd. The lead singer, dives off the stage, and gets impaled on an exposed spike. * Whatever. Come back when you have a real story, you dumb dildo. ** Who: Fan at Coffee Shop ** Note: This is said by a man who was listening to another fan talk about how his sister hated Dethklok. He says this shortly before a member of the Revengencers bombs the coffee shop. * IT'S DETHKLOK!!!!!!!!! ** Who: News Anchorman ** Note: After Dethklok announces its return to the public, an anchorman reports from the desert. After Dethklok appears, he shouts this in the microphone. Dethklok's stage driver is then blinded shortly afterwards, and the laser they are using to kill prisoners, hits the anchorman. * Oh well, can't teach them no more. ** Who: Lorkey ** Note: After teaching Dethklok the ways of comedy, and seeing Pickles give an amazing comedy performance, Lorkey says this, then pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head. * PLAY DAMMIT PLAY!!! ** Who: The Finland Bartender ** Note: The bartender tells Dethklok that they need to put the lake troll, Mustakrakish to sleep where he had woke before. As he rows them to the middle of the lake, Mustakrakish grabs and eats him. * IT'S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! ** Who: Unnamed Death Row Prisoner ** Note: After Dethklok finally agrees to return to the public, they p erform their first concert since Dethwater live. One event in this concert is the execution of numerous prisoners. The prisoners are launched in rockets, then shot in the air. One prisoner shouts this before he explodes. * Boy...I just wanna say on e thing before I go. I love you boy. I...love...yee- ** Who: Dimneld Selftcark ** Note: Toki Wartooth had been taking lessons from Dimneld, but did not know he was on his deathbed. At his performance, after an emotional moment with Nathan, Pickles, Murderface, and Skwisgaar, Dimneld dies. * ...Because I just swallowed a cyanide pill... ** Who: Unnamed Roadie ** Note: The Iron Masked Assassin, had been torturing this Roadie for information on how to enter Mordhaus. He had been mutilating the roadie alive, who finally laughs in pleasure. The assassin asks why he is laughing, and he gives this answer and dies. In a fury, the assassin crushes the roadies' head and throws him into a pile of other dead roadies. * The Metalocalypse has begun... ** Who: Cardinal Ravenwood ** Note: After the interruption of Dethwater Live, General Crozier and Cardinal Ravenwood prepare a prayer to avoid devastation in their actions. Mr Selactia then appears in anger, blinds Ravenwood, and causes his intestines to wrap around his neck. He then disappears with General Crozier unconscious. Dethklok regains consciousness to hear Ravenwood struggle to say his last phrase. * My friends are never gonna believe me! See you guys later! ** Who: Unnamed Dethklok Fan ** Note: After Dethklok's home Mordhaus was destroyed, they moved it to the sky until it was finally rebuilt. Dethklok however seemed to forget that they were in the sky a lot. This fan claimed to have snuck into Mordhaus. Nathan kicks him and three other girls out of Mordhaus. The fan says this before falling to his death. * I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. ** Who: Nathan Explosion's Dentist ** Note: Nathan Explosion had a short friendship with a very depressed dentist. In the episode it was stated that dentists had the highest suicide rates of any common job. Nathan does his best to make the dentist happy. At the end of the episode, the pair are seen on a hunting trip. Nathan tells the dentist how cool the hunting trip is. The dentist says this before sticking his rife in his mouth and killing himself. * GET OUT OF HERE NOW; GET TO A SAFE PLACE! ** Who: Roy Cornickelson ** Note: Spoken to a crowd of fans during Selatcia's attack on Dethklok in the episode "Breakup Klok". He is killed by Selatcia. === ''[[My Little Pony (G1)]]'' === * No! Argh! Aaaaaagh! ** Who: Tirek ** Notes: Is destroyed by Megan with the Rainbow of Light * No! Aaaaagh! ** Who: Lavan ** Notes: Is destroyed when the Princess Ponies reflect his magic beam back at him === ''[[w:My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic|My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic]]'' === * NOOOOOO!! ''NOOOOOOOOO!!!'' ** Who: Nightmare Moon ** Note: Was blasted down by the Elements of Harmony, returning her to her former form of Princess Luna. * Hm, what's this? No. NOOOOOO!!!!! ** Who: Discord ** Note: Turned into a stone statue by the Elements of Harmony. He was eventually freed and reformed. * What?! No! No! Stop! ** Who: King Sombra ** Note: Is destroyed by Princess Cadance and the crystal ponies with the power of the Crystal Heart. * My mane! MY MANE!! Hahahahaha... ** Who: Mane-iac ** Note: Is hit with the Hairspray Ray of Doom after it is destroyed by Fluttershy (Saddle Rager) prior to leaving the comic. * How is this possible? You have no magic! ** Who: Lord Tirek ** Note: Is blasted to Tartarus by the Mane 6 with Rainbow Power, imprisoned in a cage. * Not my problem. (Mean Rainbow Dash) * Ugh! What's this garbage? (Mean Pinkie Pie) * Badger installation art. Ya see... (Mean Applejack) * Ooh! That one's mine! (Mean Rarity) * Oops, I'd say sorry, but I'm not. (Mean Fluttershy) * Imbecles! You ruined everything! (Mean Twilight Sparkle) ** Who: Fake Mane Six ** Note: Are destroyed by the Tree of Harmony and turned back into bits of wood. * NOOOOOO!!!! ** Who: King Sombra (again) ** Note: Is destroyed for good by the Mane Six using the magic within them, without any elements. * Don't let them escape! * This is bad, isn't it? * You think friendship will save you? We will always return! Nothing will ever stop--- ** Who: Tirek, Cozy Glow and Chrysalis ** Note: Are turned to stone by Celestia, Luna and Discord. === ''[[Naruto]]/[[w:List of Naruto: Shippuden episodes|Naruto: Shippuden]]'' === * Za... Buza... ** Who: Haku ** Source: "The Demon in the Snow" [Ep. 19] ** Note: Spoken after Haku throws himself in front of an attack that would have killed Zabuza. * You crazy fool! If you're so eager to join your friend, go ahead, but you're not taking me! Not this time! ** Who: Gato ** Source: "The Demon in the Snow" [Ep. 19] ** Note: He was planned on having Zabuza, his hired assassin, killed, so that he would not have to give him payment for his services. However, Zabuza, despite being badly wounded, charged him, being mortally wounded in the process. He says this line as Zabuza approaches, but Zabuza tells him that they are going to hell together, and kills him. * I know I cannot be, but I wish I could go to where you have gone... How I wish I could join you there... Haku... ** Who: [[w:Zabuza Momochi|Zabuza Momochi]] ** Source: "The Demon in the Snow" [Ep. 19] ** Note: Spoken to his then deceased companion, Haku, while lying beside him, mortally wounded. * What in the world are you?! ** Who: Dosu Kinuta ** Source: "The Summoning Jutsu: Wisdom of the Toad Sage!" [Ep. 54] ** Note: He attacks and attempts to kill Gaara, in order to prevent him from being the one to defeat Sasuke in the Chunin Exams, but Gaara kills him. * I can't free my sword! ** Who: Hayate Gekko ** Source: "The Summoning Jutsu: Wisdom of the Toad Sage!" [Ep. 54] ** Note: He attempts to attack Baki with Dance of the Crescent Moon, after hearing his plan to attack the Leaf village, but Baki kills him. * Farewell, disciple. May we meet again in the next world. * Where the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The fire's shadow will illuminate the village... and once again tree leaves shall bud anew. ** Who: The Third Hokage ** Source: "Forbidden Secret Technique: Reaper Death Seal!" [Ep. 73] ** Note: Character sacrifices himself to seal Orochimaru's ability to use techniques. Before saying this he had expressed his love for Konoha, and said this line to show that people have the will to fight for it. If the bottom was his last thoughts, the last word is in the top. * This can't be happening! ** Who: Aoi Rokushō ** Source: "The Last Leg: A Final Act of Desperation" [Ep. 106] ** Note: The Team Oboro leader from the Hidden Leaf Village turned missing-nin, he was hired by Kyūroku Wagarashi to stall Idate. As he and Sasuke clashed, Naruto breaks his blast and blasts him with a Rasengan. As he falls to his death into a gorge, he says this in despair. * Wait... no! Please don't do it! ** Who: Jirōbō ** Source: "Good-bye Old Friend...! I'll Always Believe in You!" [Ep. 114] ** Note: Chōji, desperate to defeat him and enraged by his comments about his weight and his best friend Shikamaru, eats a pill to convert all his fat into chakra, then kills him with one punch. * Talking rubbish right up to the end. I haven't been pushed this far since Kimimaro... Ugh... ** Who: Kidōmaru ** Source: "Losing is Not an Option!" [Ep. 117] ** Note: He is dying from an attack by Neji's Gentle Fist style during his mission to bring Sasuke to Orochimaru. Character refers to a previous attempt by him and the other Sound Four members to force Kimimaro into submission. * Hey, let me out! Let me out or I'll kill you! ** Who: Sakon and Ukon ** Source: "The Sand Shinobi: Allies of the Leaf" [Ep. 125] ** Note: It's Ukon's last words after being trapped inside Kankuro's Black Ant puppet before being impaled by his Crow puppet's arms. * Alright, I'm far enough away. It's time for my genjutsu. ** Who: Tayuya ** Source: "The Sand Shinobi: Allies of the Leaf" [Ep. 125] ** Note: She was killed as Temari's summoned weasel levels the forest around her and crushes her under a tree. * I am not his pawn! He is the one, the only one who ever gave my life meaning! But how could the likes of you ever understand that!? ** Who: Kimimaro ** Source: "Vengeful Strike! The Bracken Dance" [Ep. 127] ** Note: Spoken about Orochimaru after Gaara suggests that he is merely Orochimaru's pawn. He dies of an unnamed terminal illness before he can kill Gaara and Lee. * Lord Orochimaru! ** Who: Kamakiri * Forgive our betrayal! ** Who: Jigumo ** Source: "Pure Betrayal and a Fleeting Plea" [Ep. 138] ** Note: Two Fuma ninja who were guarding the base of what appeared to be Orochimaru in the Land of Rice Fields. "Orochimaru", who was actually Arashi refused to heal Kagerō and they tried to assassinate him, only for Arashi to kill them, and use them for casualty puppets. * You and your cousin, Sasame... You were always so close to one another, weren't you? ''(goes into shock)'' It would be better if you didn't see him now... ** Who: Kagerō ** Source: "Two Heartbeats: Kabuto's Trap" [Ep. 140] ** Note: One of the Fūma clan ninja who were deceived by Orochimaru. She attempted to synchronize her own and NAruto's hearts so they would die together, but Sakura stopped it by cutting the thread. Dying from her injuries, she warns Sasame not to see the kind of monster Arashi had become. * I'm only a puppet like these two. This is where I belong now. * Goodbye, Sasame... Thank you... ** Who: Arashi ** Source: "Sakura's Determination!" [Ep. 141] ** Note: The Fūma clan shinobi who wanted to restore his clan and Sasame's cousin. He was driven insane by the Casualty Puppet usage, but was freed. He then admits that Sasuke is alive. As Naruto's group leaves the collapsing lair, Arashi knows that being a puppet, he can't leave, then dies in the cave-in as he thinks the latter. * None of our jutsu's are having any effect! * Suzumebachi: How is she doing that?! * That girl is unreal! ''(sees that Hinata has freed her comrade)'' What? How did they get out!? * When?! ** Who: Jibachi and Kurobachi ** Source: "Blaze Away, Byakugan! This is My Ninja Way!" [Ep. 151] ** Note: Suzumebachi's siblings searching for the bikōchū. As Hinata turns the tide with Byakugan, Jibachi is horrified that the insect jutsus are ineffective. Then, he and Kurobachi are shocked to see that Hinata freed Team 7. Hinata deflects Suzumebachi's Queen Bee onto the team and presumably kills Hibachi and Kurobachi. * I must avenge the people of my clan! I can't let you succeed, even if it kills me, and the bikōchū! ''(Naruto: "Shadow Clone Jutsu!" then a Shadow Clone comes out shocking Suzumebachi. Naruto: "That beetle is our last chance! It's our only hope of getting our friend back! That's why, YOU CAN'T STOP US!")'' SHUT UP! ** Who: Suzumebachi ** Source: "Blaze Away, Byakugan! This is My Ninja Way!" [Ep. 151] ** Note: The leader of the Kamizuru clan who wanted the bikōchū to restore her clan's honor. With her brothers presumably killed, Suzumebachi flies into a rage saying this as she attempts to ram a giant bee into Naruto's group. But, Naruto blasts her with a Rasengan, presumably killing her too. * Come, lightning! Give me a funeral worth remembering! ** Who: Raiga Kurosuki ** Source: "Run! The Curry of Life" [Ep. 157] ** Note: Character was obsesed with funerals, and had a very codependant relationship with Ranmaru. * This is madness, Akahoshi! You've lost your mind! ** Who: Third Hoshikage ** Source: "Hoshikage: The Buried Truth" [Ep. 181] ** Note: The Third Hoshikage who protested the star training. After being stabbed by his former subordinate Akahoshi and his sidekicks, the Third Hoshikage believes Akahoshi has gone mad before collapsing dead. * Sumaru... ** Who: Natsuhi ** Source: "Reunion: The Remaining Time" [Ep. 182] ** Note: A jonin who had once been a part of the Hidden Star Village's star training and Sumar's mother. While attempting to steal back the star from Akahoshi's possession, she is mortally wounded by him. After drawing a sign for her son, she says her son's name and dies. * And now for the final blow; Flower Ninja Art: BLOOM MYRIAD OF FLOWERS! ** Who: Kikunojō ** Source: "Open for Business! The Leaf Moving Service" [Ep. 187] ** Note: Yurinojō's best friend and one of Haruna's guards disguised as a merchant. Whilst fighting Ruiga, he attempts to finish him with his best technique. But he fails and is killed by the Water Style: Liquid Memory technique. * No! What're you doing?! Jiga! ** Who: Ruiga ** Source: "A Limitless Supply of Ninja Tools" [Ep. 189] ** Note: One of the Janin and Kikunojō's killer. Beaten in battle by Choji, he later attempts to get Jiga's assistance, but Jiga saw he was no longer useful. Ruiga tried to say this, and was crushed to death by magnetic rocks. * Little fool. You annoy me. I've changed my mind. I'm gonna finish you off now! ''(prepares to gather iron sand, but it begins to consume him)'' What? What the devil's goin' on?! ''(Hinata: Just now... I hit one of your chakra points, disrupting the flow of chakra through your body... And now, your body is a powerful magnet that you can't switch off...)'' That's why... you led me to this canyon full of iron sand! Argh! Make it stop! ** Who: Jiga ** Source: "The Byakugan Sees the Blind Spot!" [Ep. 190] ** Note: The second oldest member of the Janin. Fighting Hinata, she uses Byakugan and Gentle Fist to disrupt the flow of chakra, turning him into a living magnet. Jiga realizes this too late, and is buried alive. * Such a shame... I wasn't able to leave my mark on history... But, I did... have fun... ** Who: Gennō ** Source: "Multiple Traps! Countdown to Destruction" [Ep. 201] ** Note: A Kagerō Village shinobi who wanted to bury the Hidden Leaf Village. Dying of his wounds after his giant bird is defeated, he regrets his failure but really enjoyed his fun as the village would not be in real danger. * What the heck?! ** Who: Toki ** Source: "The Bewildering Forest" [Ep. 210] ** Note: One of the Shinobazu armed with a Mechanical Drilling Arm. He nearly corners Naruto, but Gantetsu pulls him out of the tunnel while Toki says this. He laughs as his opponents shoots a Rasengan, but is then crushed to death by the rockslide as a result. * Ninja Art: BLOOD RAIN! ** Who: Shura ** Source: "To Each His Own Path" [Ep. 212] ** Note: The Shinobazu leader. While making his getaway on his umbrella from the burning Ninja Dropout hideout, he finds Naruto chasing him. He uses his Blood Rain to rain needles but only hits Shadow Clones. The genuine Naruto then blasts him with a Rasengan, sending Shura falling to his death. * What am I, anyway? I'm only aware of being me, so who am I? Am I anything more than just this small consciousness? ** Who: [[w:Gaara|Gaara]] ** Source: "The Death of Gaara!" [Ep. 237] ** Note: He reflects on his efforts to become accepted by others as Akatsuki is extracting Shukaku from him. He dies after Shukaku is extracted, but Chiyo revives him. * One of Orochimaru's henchmen is working for me as a spy... and that's where I'm supposed to rendezvous with him... however... I don't think I... ** Who: Sasori ** Source: "Impossible Dream" [Ep. 247] ** Note: He was mortally wounded after Chiyo used the puppets that he made from the dead bodies of his parents to stab him. He gives Sakura information that leads her to a spy that he had within Orochimaru's organization. * Naruto... do an old woman a favor, won't you? You are the only person in the world who knows the extent of Gaara's pain. He also knows your pain. Please look after Gaara. ** Who: Chiyo ** Source: "Return of the Kazekage" [Ep. 252] ** Note: She is attempting to revive a now dead Gaara at the cost of her own life and told Naruto that she was sorry for Gaara and regrets all the foolish things she had done. * You gave yourself... an antidote? ** Who: Fuen ** Source: "Everyone's Struggle to the Death" [Ep. 287] ** Note: One of Furido's 4-Man Team, Fuen attempts to entrance Sakura in an illusion of Naruto stabbing her. But Sakura had given herself an antidote for Fuen's poison. She curses this, before Sakura pierces her stomach, killing her instantly. * What?! What is this?! ''(Yamato: Now your Earth Style, will become part of the Leaf Village's soil.)'' NOOO! ** Who: Fudo ** Source: "Everyone's Struggle to the Death" [Ep. 287] ** Note: One of Furido's 4-Man Team, Fudo had earlier summoned zombies. He curses Yamato's jutsu and is crushed to death by Yamato's death. * Not this time! ** Who: Fuka ** Source: "Moment of Awakening" [Ep. 288] ** Note: One of Furido's 4-Man Team, Fuka attempts to steal Naruto's body. Her actual appearance was revealed to be possessed hair. She attempts to charge at Naruto, but he vaporizes her with a Rasengan. * Next time... I'll leave it all up to you. ** Who: Kitane ** Source: "Moment of Awakening" [Ep. 288] ** Note: One of the Twelve Guardian Ninja revived to serve Kazuma/Furido, Kitane is stabbed by Asuma. He then leaves everything up to Asuma before dying his second death. * What... a joke... ** Who: Kazuma ** Source: "My Friend" [Ep. 291] ** Note: He, Asuma's former friend and comrade in the Twelve Ninja Guardians, had attempted to destroy Konoha in order to establish the feudal lord as the "king" of the Fire Country, but Asuma defeated and mortally wounded him. He says this before dying of his injuries. * RAIGO, THOUSAND HAND STRIKE! ** Who: Chiriku ** Source: "Akatsuki's Invasion" [Ep. 293] ** Note: Making a last stand against the Akatsuki, Chiriku attempts to use the mentioned technique against Hidan, but Hidan finishes the Jashin ritual and kills the monk, along with a number of monks. * Could you give me one last cigarette? They're in my pouch. ** Who: Asuma Sarutobi ** Source: "Last Words" [Ep. 300] ** Note: He used to smoke almost perpetually, but stopped shortly before his death due to being troubled by recent events. He says this after giving advice to Ino, Choji and Shikamaru, his students, after he is mortally wounded in battle. * Don't say I didn't warn you! The day of retribution will come, and the Way of Jashin will punish you! Yes, and then I'll be the one passing judgement! My teeth, that's all I'll need; you'll see! And I'll tear you to pieces! ** Who: Hidan ** Source: "Wind Style: Rasen Shuriken!" [Ep. 308] ** Note: He, a sadomasochist who believes in Lord Jashin, was defeated by Shikamaru. As his remains was buried alive later on. * Defeated... by a pack of brats... ** Who: Kakuzu ** Source: "The Price of Power" [Ep. 309] ** Note: He was defeated after Naruto uses an extremely powerful technique that he recently created. After he says this, Kakashi tells him that it is natural for each generation to surpass the one that came before it, then finishes Kakuzu off. * Well, imagine my luck. I get to bring down the fabled Kakashi of the Hidden Leaf. It'll make surviving all these years worth it. ''(Kakashi's shadow clone disappears)'' What?! ** Who: Kigiri ** Source: "Memory of Guilt" [Ep. 330] ** Notes: A member of Team Guren under Orochimaru, Kigiri believes he took out Kakashi, but the Hidden Leaf ninja left a shadow clone, then Kigiri himself is killed by the Lightning Blade. * What the HELL?! ** Who: Kihō ** Source: "Memory of Guilt" [Ep. 330] ** Notes: A member of Team Guren under Orochimaru, Kihō sees to his horror that Yamato added moisture to render his Smoke Dragon useless, before he is crushed by the Wood Jutsu. * Your jutsu wouldn't work when I was alive. It certainly won't work on me now! ''(Guren: You can't summon your bats, can you. Crystal Style.)'' No! No! ** Who: Rinji ** Source: "Memory of Guilt" [Ep. 330] ** Notes: An underling of Orochimaru, Rinji is resurrected as a revenant by Kabuto. He attempts to use his bats on Guren, but soon, Guren crystallizes both Rinji and herself, and she throws themselves over a cliff into the lake, killing Rinji a second time. * Happy to see us again?! ** Who: Nurari ** Source: "Shattered Promise" [Ep. 331] ** Notes: A member of Team Guren under Orochimaru, Nurari after his first defeat, becomes the Casualty Puppet and merges with the corpses of Kigiri and Kihō. He gloats this to Kakashi and the others, before beginning his fight with the Leaf Ninjas. As Kakashi is about to give a fatal blow, the Three-Tailed Beast crashes into Nurari and his comrades, dissolving them forever. * In the Village Hidden in the Stones, we were warned that we must flee the very moment we caught sight of you. Now I understand why. ** Who: Mahiru ** Source: "Kakashi Chronicles ~ Boys' Life on the Battlefield ~ Part 1" [Ep. 339] ** Notes: A Hidden Stone jonin who was out on reconnaissance. Mahiru is spotted and tells Minato of his plan, then gets his throat slit. * Those eyes! What are-? ** Who: Taiseki ** Source: "Kakashi Chronicles ~ Boys' Life on the Battlefield ~ Part 2" [Ep. 340] ** Notes: A Hidden Stone jonin, he and his partner Kakko had captured Rin Nohara. Later, Taiseki attempts to use his Camoflage Jutsu to defeat Kakashi and Obito, but Obito uses his Sharingan eye to spot and kill Taiseki. Dying, the jonin curses Obito's Sharingan. * But... then you are just a brat, a real shinobi doesn't cry. Let's settle this, you big crybaby! * There's something different about him now. ** Who: Kakko ** Source: "Kakashi Chronicles ~ Boys' Life on the Battlefield ~ Part 2" [Ep. 340] ** Notes: A Hidden Stone jonin trying to interrogate Rin Nohara, he fights Kakashi and Obito using blades hidden in his clothes. Confronting Kakashi outside the cave, he says the first, and upon noticing his Sharingan state, he thinks the latter, then is cut down by the Chidori. * Tremble! Be afraid! Recoil in despair! Cower in awe, and cry your heart out! Because my art... IS AN EXPLOSION!!! ** Who: Deidara ** Source: "Art" [Ep. 344] ** Note: He, an artist who fights with explosive clay sculptures and believes that his creations become true art when they explode, was been defeated by Sasuke. He feeds himself explosive clay, causing a massive explosion that kills him instantly. * You... you used me... Insolence! You damn brat. How dare you do such a thing to me! Those eyes... you hypnotized me with those damned eyes of yours! Me! You did this to me.... how dare you... ** Who: Manda ** Source: "Disappearance" [Ep. 345] ** Note: He was summoned by Sasuke to escape Deidara's final explosion, and was manipulated with illusionary techniques from his Sharingan eyes. Character dies of wounds sustained in the explosion. * Now, I suppose it's about time I put down my pen. Oh... that's right... What should I name the sequel? I wonder... let's see... The Tale of Naruto Uzumaki. Yes, that has a nice ring to it. ** Who: Jiraiya ** Source: "The Tale of Jiraiya the Gallant" [Ep. 353] ** Note: He was dying after battling against his former student Pain, whom he had believed was the "destined child", and had regarded his life as a failure. However, near death, he realized that Naruto, his godson and student, was indeed the destined child, and that Naruto had inspired him never to give up. He sends his toads back to Konoha with information about Pain, then thinks these thoughts as he sinks to the bottom of a lake, dying from his injuries. * I'm sorry, Sasuke. This is it. ** Who: [[w:Itachi Uchiha|Itachi Uchiha]] ** Source: "The End" [Ep. 358] ** Note: He had killed nearly all of his clan on orders of Konoha's leaders, but left his younger brother alive, hoping that he would kill him and rebuild the clan. Toward the end of the fight, he appears to be reaching out for Sasuke's eyes to replace his own failing eyes and gain greater power, he is actually doing a gesture that he used to do when refusing to train with Sasuke while saying "maybe next time." After saying this, he dies from an unnamed disease. * Hotaru, you must... live on... ** Who: Utakata ** Source: "Master and Student" [Ep. 371] ** Note: He sacrificed himself to fight the Akatsuki. * The Leaf will grow again... it's in your hands now, Naruto. ** Who: Minato Namikaze ** Source: "The Fourth Hokage" [Ep. 388] ** Note: He had died long ago, but lingered in Naruto's mind with the seal for the nine-tailed fox. He revealed himself to his son Naruto inside his mind when Naruto was under control of the nine-tailed fox, and redid the seal and faded away after saying this, in reference to Konoha being destroyed. * The parallels between you and that book... it almost feels like someone set it all up, like it was all... the work of an actual God. Seems this is it for me... Naruto, I believe you of all people... can... ** Who: Nagato/Pain ** Source: "Hero of the Hidden Leaf" [Ep. 395] ** Note: He had considered himself a god and wanted to change the world by showing it pain, but Naruto defeated him and convinced him that believing that peace could be attained was more important than any plan to do so. He performs one final jutsu to revive the Konoha villagers he killed, which results in his death after he says this. * You monster! * If you should ever find yourself thinking about me, can you go place some tulips on our graves for me? They were my wife's favorite. ''(Naruto: Of course.)'' Well, Naruto, goodbye. Live a full life for the both of us. ** Who: Kisuke Maboroshi ** Source: "The Man Who Died Twice" [Ep. 415] ** Notes: An ANBU of the Hidden Leaf Village. He found out that Sabiru was a spy and almost defeated him, but when he learned Sabiru killed his wife, the spy rips his soul from his body with Soul Detachment Jutsu. Later, Sabiru then cuts off Kisuke's life support, killing his corporeal body. As a ghost, he aids Naruto in hunting Sabiru down. After Sabiru's defeat, Kisuke passes on to the afterlife, bidding Naruto farewell and asking him to place tulips on Kisuke and his wife's graves. * Who are you, really? Pretty clever trying to surprise me like that, but still. If you're helping Kisuke, that means you have to die as well? ''(Naruto: So you actually admit that you killed him and his wife too?)'' Who are you, brat? ''(Naruto: ANSWER the question!)'' And so what if I did? ''(Naruto: Then you'll pay!)'' ''("Kisuke": "Looks like you were right about everything, Naruto. Release!" "Kisuke" becomes Kakashi)'' Kakashi? ** Who: Sabiru ** Source: "The Man Who Died Twice" [Ep. 415] ** Notes: A Hidden Leaf Village shinobi who was a spy for the Hidden Sound Village. Having almost taken control of the village's defenses, he is cornered in the forest by Kakashi, Naruto and the spirit of Kisuke. He refuses to be interrogated and is beaten up by Kisuke's shadow clones. Before he can give out information, Kabuto kills him with a blow dart. * For the shinobi world and the Leaf, I won't let you leave here alive, I guarantee it! * You were the tree that basked in sunlight. And I... I was the root entrenched in darkness. What would think of the man I am, Hiruzen...? What do you consider me...? ** Who: Danzō Shimura ** Source: "Danzō Shimura" [Ep. 431] ** Note: He was defeated by Sasuke. As he wants to kill Sasuke by suicide, but to no avail. If the bottom was his last thoughts, his last words are the top. * Someone please... Someone please help me. ** Who: Honoka ** Source: "The Forgotten Island" [Ep. 447] ** Note: A kunoichi who was working on the Ultimate Summoning Beast. Years ago, her Beast Sealing Technique experiment went horribly wrong and her cries for help go unanswered as she was killed. * Thank you so much for letting me become a mother, and thank you for letting Minato become a father. Thank you for being born to us. Thank you So much! Thank you! ** Who: Kushina Uzumaki ** Source: "Thank You" [Ep. 469] ** Note: She appears as a ghost to Naruto. * It seems that in the end... I'm not so terrible at all. ** Who: Kisame Hoshigaki ** Source: "The Man Named Kisame" [Ep. 471] ** Note: He effectively commits suicide by having himself attacked and eaten by summoned sharks. * I am expendable; I am only a mere flower, but I'll take you with me! ** Who: Konan ** Source: "The Bridge to Peace" [Ep. 473] ** Note: She is in the middle of attacking her opponent, Obito Uchiha. While saying this line, she is preparing a very powerful attack, but is cut short when Obito grabs her throat. She loses consciousness and the scene fades; her corpse is shown later. * Kankuro... I want you to have my "mother" and "father" puppets as well. And when you die, pass them both on... to the next generation. ** Who: Sasori (Reanimated) ** Source: "Sai and Shin" [Ep. 483] ** Note: He was subdued by Kankuro. * I've got nothing else to tell you three. Your Ino-Shika-Chou formation... was perfect! ** Who: Asuma Sarutobi (Reanimated) ** Source: "The Complete Ino-Shika-Cho Formation!" [Ep. 494] ** Note: He was subdued by Shikamaru Nara, Ino Yamanaka, and Chōji Akimichi. * WAIT! It was him! He attacked your village! He was controlling the shinobi! No! No! Stop! Ah! STOP! ** Who: Disonasu ** Source: "Power - Episode Final" [Ep. 515] ** Note: The Hachō Village behind the massacre of Tonika Village. After the Ama no Hoko is destroyed, he is found by Kabuto who summons a revenant of the Tonika Village leader to execute him. Disonasu tries to reason with him but is cut down by the revenant. * More than I could have imagined, you have surpassed me. I entrust the village to you now, Gaara. ** Who: The Fourth Kazekage (Reanimated) ** Source: "A Father's Hope, A Mother's Love" [Ep. 517] ** Note: He was subdued by his son, Gaara. * Because you told me that I'm a genius. ** Who: Neji Hyūga ** Source: "The Ties That Bind" [Ep. 584] ** Note: He said this after explain that people a willing to die for him just after throwing himself in front of Naruto and Hinata from Obito's attack. === ''[[Neon Genesis Evangelion]]'' === * The commander is the one who calls you that. He says, "That old hag is annoying, that old hag is no use." ** Who: Rei I ** Source: "The Birth of NERV" [Ep. 21] ** Note: Character is referring to Gendo Ikari and Naoko Akagi, respectively; is promptly strangled to death by Naoko Akagi. * ''You little bitch! You're replaceable too! Did you know that, Rei?! You're just as replaceable as me!'' ** Who: Naoko Akagi ** Source: "The Birth of NERV" [Ep. 21] ** Note: Spoken when she strangles Rei I, a child clone of Yui Ikari; Naoko commits suicide in shame immediately afterwards. * Oh, hi. You're a little late, aren't you? ** Who: Ryoji Kaji ** Source: "The Birth of NERV" [Ep. 21] ** Note: Spoken to someone off-screen before he is shot and killed. * It hurts, Ikari. ** Who: Armisael ** Source: "Tears" [Ep. 23] ** Note: Spoken when character, an Angel, attempts to biofuse with Shinji and Evangelion Unit 01. * I cannot. If I leave Unit 00, the A.T. Field will cease to be. I will not let it. ** Who: Rei II ** Source: "Tears" [Ep. 23] ** Note: Spoken when as she activates the self-destruct to Evangelion Unit 00, choosing to sacrifice herself to destroy Armisael. * Thank you, Shinji. My life was meaningful because of you. ** Who: Kaworu Nagisa ** Source: "The Final Messenger" [Ep. 24] ** Note: Spoken to Shinji in Evangelion Unit 01 before he reluctantly clenches the Eva's fist, crushing Kaworu. === ''Nicktoons'' === * And I'm sorry I called you Lorenzo. (I am Lorenzo!) Whatever!! ** Who: Glowface and Lorenzo Suave ** Source: The X's (Truman Strikes Back) ** Note: As Truman had reverted from joining SNAFU in a bout of revenge against his parents for selling his spy gadgets, he sees Glowface and Lorenzo sinking into the lava seeping into the ruins of Glowface's lair. The two then make this exchange to each other. They may not have died, but since the show started to fade into obscurity and was cancelled shortly after this episode, it is held in speculation. * I see what's going on here! Fine! If I can't be your bike... ''NOBODY CAN!!'' * Noooo!!! ** Who: Superbike ** Source: [[The Fairly Oddparents]] (Superbike) ** Notes: In the episode, Timmy and his dad were going to participate in a bike race, using a poorly home-made bike, which prompts Timmy to make a super-wish that creates a anthromorphic bike that ends up driving Timmy away from family and friends, which prompts Timmy to try to get rid of it. He eventually decides to take the bike apart, restoring it to regular parts. The bike soon realizes this and says the first quote before it attacks Timmy as a half-dragon, but breaks down. The second quote is said of what's left of the bike (its head) is flushed down a giant toilet wearing a cape, which Cosmo has a crippling fear of. He however later ends up on a Bermuda island known as Unwish Island. * You musn't blame yourself, even though it is all your fault. ** Who: Cosmo ** Source: The Fairly Oddparents (Action Packed) ** Note: Said before he turned into fairy dust, but revived when Timmy destroys Jorgen's machine. * Timmy, remember, we love ''you''... ** Who: Wanda ** Source: The Fairly Oddparents (Action Packed) ** Note: Said before she turned into fairy dust, but revived when Timmy destroys Jorgen's machine. * [Timmy: But if I change the future, then you won't exist.] Sure I will. And I'll exist in a future worth getting to. You can do it, Timmy. You're a good kid. I know. [fades into nothing] (Timmy: No... come back! Please! YAAUGGGHH!!) ** Who: Earth Vic Timmy Turner ** Source: The Fairly Oddparents (Channel Chasers) ** Note: Fades away after Vicky blasts his time-travel belt and Timmy counters by destroying her cow-rocket, he shares a dialouge with Timmy before fading away. * I will get out of here. Oh, yes! And when I do, you'll pay! I swear, by all that is... corn? ''I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS COOL!!!!!'' ** Who: Gary (Timmy's Imaginary Friend) ** Source: The Fairly Oddparents * ''[Bill the Lab Guy: In layman's terms, he's gonna bust open like a rotten piñata.]'' If you morons hadn't flattened that fortune teller, I'd be back to normal by now! ** Who: The Chief ** Source: [[Action League Now!|Action League NOW!]] (Fatter) ** Note: The Chief will "bust open like a rotten piñata". The Chief blames the Action League. If they hadn't flattened Madame Shyster, he would have been free of her curse. Stinky blames The Flesh for pushing The Chief too hard. The Flesh argues with Stinky, blaming him for shoving The Chief. Stinky starts attacking The Flesh, who then tosses him, causing him to land on his spear gun. His spear gun is pointed at The Chief, and once its spear hits him, he explodes, causing the food he ate to fly everywhere. The Chief, who is now back to his normal weight, rises from the eaten food. * Ouchies. ** Who: RoboFlesh ** Source: Action League NOW! (RoboFlesh) * That power! I don't get that power until ten years from now! ''[Danny: Then I guess the future isn't as set in stone as you think. Time's up.]'' It doesn't matter! You're still too late to save your friends! ** Who: Dark Danny ** Source: Danny Phantom (The Ultimate Enemy). * Actually being a free-roaming space nomad isn't that bad. At least it's quiet and I.. ** Who: Vlad Masters/Vlad Plasmius ** Source: [[Danny Phantom]] (Phantom Planet) ** Note: After revealing his secret identity to the world and promising to get rid of the asteroid, Vlad realized that the asteroid was made of ecto-ranium which made it impossible to destroy. He was eventually left behind in space by his former friend Jack Fenton who was now aware of his secret identity. At the very end of the episode he is hit by the same asteroid he tried to dispose of. Since the show was cancelled, it has largely been speculated that he survived due to the final scene being comical. * Noatak. Hmph, I had almost forgotten the sound of my own name. ** Who: Noatak/Amon ** Source: [[The Legend of Korra]] (Endgame) * It will be just like the good old days. ** Who: Tarrlok ** Source: [[The Legend of Korra]] (Endgame) ** Note Tarrlok and Notaka both kill himself when the boat explosion * It can't be! ** Who: Zhao ** Source: [[Avatar: The Last Airbender]] (The Siege of the North Part 2) ** Note Zhao was kill by spirit ocean * Don't worry, Katara. I'll be fine. ** Who: Jet ** Source: [[Avatar: The Last Airbender]] (Lake Laogai) ** Note Jet died was kill by long feng === ''[[w:One Piece|One Piece]]'' === * You want my treasure? You can have it! I left everything I gathered together in one place. Now you just have to find it. ** Who: Gol D. Roger ** Notes: Character is executed in Loguetown, but mentions that he has left behind his greatest treasure, One Piece, thus beginning the Age of the Pirates. * Go meet with the nakama who are certainly waiting for you somewhere on the sea! Live with them! ** Who: Jaguar D. Saul ** Notes: Character befriends a young Nico Robin, and attempts to help her escape the island of Ohara before it is destroyed, but is frozen by Vice-Admiral Kuzan (later known as Admiral Aokiji). As he is frozen, he says these lines, then laughs as he is dying, serving as an example of his advice to laugh even when troubled. * Is this the history chosen by mankind... What fragile things humans are.. ** Who: Professor Clover ** Notes: Character is thinking about the World Government's decision to destroy Ohara in order to prevent the knowledge of the True History from being uncovered. He dies as the Tree of Knowledge burns down in the Buster Call attack. * I'm sorry, Robin. I couldn't leave you... with words said as a mother. ** Who: Nico Olvia ** Note: Character thinks these thoughts about her daughter, Nico Robin; she was absent for much of Robin's childhood due to being away researching the "True History," and reunites with her shortly before her death. She remains behind as the Tree of Knowledge burns to the ground during the Buster Call attack on the island of Ohara, perishing in the blaze. * It's okay... Look... even if the crime returns from 12 years ago... everything is different from the old days. Now this island is full of power. From here on out... no matter what happens to my body... I was able to help this town... My dream... has finally started to run. ''[Franky and Iceberg: Tom-san!]'' ''[thinking]'' Iceberg, Franky, I leave "those blueprints" in your hands. Kokoro... Yokozuna... to this day I am in your debt. ** Who: Tom ** Notes: Character is convicted of building Gold Roger's ship, but manages to get his sentence postponed in exchange for building a "sea train" to help restore the flow of trade to his town, Water 7. He succeeds, but Spandam frames him and his apprentices for attacking the judicial ship, so that he can investigate him and obtain Pluton's blueprints. Tom uses his pardon for the crime of attacking the ship, and says this to explain his decision before being taken away and executed. * Nojiko! Nami! I love you. * Don't you dare lay a hand on my daughter, you filthy beast! ** Who: Bellemere ** Notes: Character is unable to pay Arlong's tribute for herself and her adopted daughters, Nojiko and Nami, and chooses to do so for her daughters. Arlong kills her for refusing to pay for herself to set an example for the rest of her village. In the 4kids dub, she is sent to a dungeon instead, and dies during her imprisonment, saying the second line in the last time she is heard speaking. * A monster will be coming here soon. He's my son. Don't touch him. ''[thinking]'' Don't worry Chopper. Your mushroom won't kill me. ''[speaking]'' This has truly been a wonderful life! Thank you, Chopper! ** Who: Dr. Hiruluk ** Notes: Character was dying of an incurable illness, was fatally poisoned by his adopted son and apprentice Chopper's misguided attempt to cure him, and was facing death at the hands of King Wapol. However, he declares that people only die when forgotten, and to ensure that he would not die from any of those causes, drinks an explosive potion, killing himself in a large explosion after he says these lines. * What an annoying bunch.... ** Who: Gin ** Note: Death is implied, rather than being shown on screen. Character had been recently poisoned, with a few hours to live. * Ah, why... Just leaving the accompaniment. ** Who: Brook ** Note: After recording a song for Laboon, a whale waiting for them at the beginning of the Grand Line, his crew started to die from poison, and Brook, saying this line and remembering his crew, is the last one to die. He is later resurrected, although as a skeleton, a year later. * I can't raise my voice to let everybody hear me anymore. Could you tell them what I'm about to say right now? Pops, everyone... and you Luffy, Thank you... for loving someone like me who is good for nothing... and has such bad blood running through his veins... up until today. Thank you! ** Who: Portgas D. Ace ** Note: Ace was the main protagonist Monkey D Luffy's adopted older brother, who was imprisoned and sent to be executed later in the series. Originally it was implied that nobody outside of flashbacks died in the seris, but after Luffy successfully freed his brother, Ace sacrificed his life to protect Luffy after shielding him from Admiral Akainu's fist of magma. * One-Piece.. DOES EXIST!! ** Who: Edward "Whitebeard" Newgate === ''{{w|One-Punch Man}}'' === * The Earth is a single living organism. You humans are nothing but a disease-causing bacteria eating away at her lifeforce. In order to obliterate humans and their evil civilization, ''the Earth has given birth to me!'' You say you do this for fun?! FOR ''FUN''?! How dare you confront me, Mother Earth's apostle, for that inane reason?! Yet, what more could be expected from a hu— ** Who: Vaccine Man ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this before being completely obliterated by Saitama's one punch. * Some hero you are! You're pathetic! You don't stand a chance against me. Your life... ''ends now!'' ** Who: Crablante ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this before having his left eye yanked out along with his insides by Saitama for attempting to kill a cleft-chinned boy three years earlier. * That guy on your shoulder! Kill him! ** Who: Fukegao ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this before being inadvertently crushed by Marugori's hand on his left shoulder instead of Saitama on his right. * I am the strongest. ''[...]'' So what if I am? It feels empty... ** Who: Marugori ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this moments being punched in the face by Saitama. * If you're thinking of getting in my way, I'll put a shine on that big headlight of yours! ** Who: Super Custom YO649Z Mk. II ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this before being blown apart by Saitama's one punch. * The surface is ours! You surface dwellers will die! I am the Subterranean King! Surface dwellers, prepare yourselves for— ** Who: Subterranean King ** Source: "The Strongest Man" ** Note: Character says this before being stomped in the head by Saitama jumping down from his apartment balcony. * I think I'll have your head next! ** Who: Mosquito Girl ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this as she attempts to kill Genos before being swatted in the face with immense force by Saitama, sending her flying into a building to the sky, leaving large gallons of blood behind. * My name is— Huh? ** Who: Kamakyuri ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this before Saitama punches his head off in response for barging into his ceiling. * What? Wasn't he one of our stronger guys? ** Who: Frog-Man ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this moments before being slashed apart along with Slugrus by the Beast King trying to get Saitama. * Are you okay, Frog-Man— ** Who: Slugrus ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this immediately before being slashed apart along with Frog-Man by the Beast King trying to get Saitama. * Lion Slash: Meteor Power Shower!! ** Who: Beast King ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this before being blown into flesh chunks by Saitama's Consecutive Normal Punches attack. * N-No-one told me he'd be like that! It's best we retreat now and regroup... ''[Saitama: Found you!]'' No waayyy!! ** Who: Ground Dragon ** Source: "The Lone Cyborg" ** Note: Character says this attempting to escape by burrowing underground before being caught up by Saitama, who is sent flying up into his apartment complex. * ''S-Stoooop!!'' ** Who: Genus Clone ** Source: "The Obsessive Scientist" ** Note: Character says this before being punched through the torso by Carnage Kabuto. * ''Death-death-death-death-death-death-death-death-death-DEATH-DEATH-DEATH-DEATH-DEATH-DEATH-DEATH!!!'' ** Who: Carnage Kabuto ** Source: "The Obsessive Scientist" ** Note: Character says this moments before being punched apart by Saitama, screaming over missing bargain day at the supermarket. * Nice head! Are you related to an octopus by any chance? ** Who: Octopus Fishman ** Source: "The Deep Sea King" ** Note: Character says this moments before having half of his body blown apart when meeting Saitama. * You can quit your boasting, human! Your foolish fan club has run off! ** Who: Fishman #1 ** Source: "The Deep Sea King" ** Note: Character says this moments before being punctured through by a Class-A hero named Stinger. * But your death will not be easy. For the taking of our brothers' lives, long will we cause you to suffer. ** Who: Fishman #2 ** Source: "The Deep Sea King" ** Note: Character says this moments before being punctured through by a Class-A hero named Stinger. * I am the King of the Deep, Lord of the Seas. All life on Earth comes from the sea, as if she were our mother. In other words, as ruler of the seas, I am the pinnacle of a pyramid that includes every living organism on this world! To defy me, means— ''[Saitama: Yeah, yeah, I got it. It's raining out, so let's do this.]'' ** Who: Deep Sea King ** Source: "Unyielding Justice" ** Note: Character says this moments before Saitama punches him through the torso, killing him instantly. * ''THIS IS THE END''!! The... the Earth is ''doomed!!'' ** Who: Madame Shibabawa ** Source: "Unyielding Justice" ** Note: Character says this before being pronounced dead by choking on a cough drop the following episode. * Ah, so you aren't helpless! But if you intend to defeat me, a giant meteor is the only way. ''[Tornado: Fine. I'll do that, then.]'' Don't make me laugh. ** Who: Ancient King ** Source: "Unparalleled Peril" ** Note: Character says this before being obliterated by a giant meteor summoned from space by S-Class hero Terrible Tornado. * Me, the Sky King, killed like some worthless insect. Who could have— ** Who: Sky King ** Source: "Unparalleled Peril" ** Note: Character says this before being sliced apart in half behind by Melzargard. * Well done making it this far, intruder! But this is the end. You see, there is no way you can defeat me, Groribas! My Acid Breath will melt you away! ** Who: Groribas ** Source: "Unparalleled Peril" ** Note: Character says this before having his head bashed through by Saitama. * How...could...I...Geryuganshoop...be... ** Who: Geryuganshoop ** Source: "The Dominator of the Universe" ** Note: Character says this after having his head split in half by a piece of debris thrown back by Saitama. * Insolence... Such complete insolence! ''[Bang: You move your heart-thing around your body to hide its location. But your regeneration always begins with your head, and in the center lies... your heart. After seeing it so much, even a monkey'd figure it out. See? Checkmate.]'' ''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!'' ** Who: Melzargard ** Source: "The Strongest Hero" ** Note: Character says this as S-Class hero Bang smashes his last vital marble, disintegrating him. * The prophecy held true. The battle was...hard-fought. ''[Saitama: Yeah. It sure was.]'' ...You lie. You had strength to spare. I never stood a chance. It wasn't even a battle. ''[chuckles]'' So much for prophecies. You were too strong... Saitama.... ** Who: Boros ** Source: "The Strongest Hero" ** Note: Character says this after being almost destroyed by Saitama's Serious Punch, lying down on the ship before slowly dying. * Who do we have here? ''[Genos: A great man who is a hero for fun... and profit.]'' A great man? ** Who: Pluton, King of the Underworld ** Source: "The Strongest Hero" ** Note: Character says this before being completely obliterated by Saitama's one punch. === ''Outlaw Star'' === * Still read me Gene? Just remember, outlaws never go down easy, no matter what happens to them. ** Who: Hilda ** Note: Hilda and Girl Pirate both dead. * Hm. I see. Uh. ** Who: Kyokan ** Note: She died kill by suzuka * No! I told you to stop! I belong to higher species! What are you doing to me?! Stop! Stop it, stop it I tell you! How dare you, how dare you! You stupid animal! Stop, stop it! I shouldn't have to think! I insist you stop, please stop stop it now I beg you please stop. Ah please. ** Who: Great One ** Note: She was squished by melfina and one by gene starwind * It dosen't look like I'll be able to finish our match right away. You'll have to take a rain check. Sorry, now to do my job. Gene Starwind, take a last look around because you're dead man! ** Who: Iraga ** Note: Was kill by Aisha * Ah! ** Who: Kemy ** Note: She kill by outlaw Star * Ah! ** Who: Mata ** Note: She kill by outlaw Star * A dead ship the tara ata won't respond. Kemy Mata ** Who: Hanmio ** Note: She kill by outlaw star * Well, what do we have here? Hah hah. Ugh. Aaaaahhhhh! ** Who: Hamushi ** Note: Hamushi death by the shell * I see. Ugh. * Who: Hitoriga * Note She died kill by suzuka * She was all talk. Impossible. Yah! ** Who: Jukai ** Note: Jukai was kill by aisha * A number nine? Do they actually exist? But it looks like it didn't do any kind of damage at all. Uh? ** Who: Ron MacDougall ** Note: Ron Has been fall down into the death by the shell (First Time) *C'mon, just climb on. Huh? What the heck, hold it together. Ah! (Second Time) *Thats the first time that you ever talked to me like that melfina. (Third Time) *Yes that right. Ask her to sing it again but only for me. ** Who: Harry MacDougall ** Note: First Harry Die She was kill by Gene Starwind then second harry died again when she was kill by hazanko Third harry is dead when she open the gateway and she help gene to saved melfina * Hello Gene. Thanks to you I learned what I want to know. Now I have to answer to my question. Well goodbye then. I am data, and data's mee. Goodbye. Goodbye. ** Who: Gwen ** Note: Gwen died when she got death by shell * Its already been almost 24 hours since lord hazanko set out. I can't believe that no one has contacted the ship. ** Who: Tobigiera ** Note: Died kill by outlaw star * Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! ** Who: Lord Hazanko ** Note: Hazanko was kill by outlaw star === ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' === * What?! What the?! I thought I had it set to... ** Who: Dr. Jekyll Doofenshmirtz ** Note: Said in a flashback said by Doofenshmirtz. * Oh, darn. ** Who: Bad Future Candace ** Note: Future Candace travels to the past to get Phineas and Ferb busted for the roller coaster, but in doing so, Doofenshmirtz becomes the ruler of the Tri-State Area. Candace returns to the past to stop herself from busting the boys, and because the bad future no longer exists, the Candace from the bad future ceases from existence. === ''Pokémon'' === * I think I'll pass. There's much work to be done on my Mirage System. ** Who: Dr. Yung ** Source: "The Mastermind of Mirage Pokémon" [Special episode] ** Note: He refused to surrender and walked into the burning castle, Professor Oak pursued him but falling iron blocked the entrance. Yung is never seen again, although Officer Jenny and the police would continue searching through the ruins for him. * Increase engines to max power! Maintain our speed! ** Who: Hunter J ** Source: "The Needs of the Three!" [Ep. 617] ** Note: She had forgotten that Uxie and Mesprit used Future Sight attacks on her ship before capturing them. She and her henchmen were aboard the ship when it was attacked. It crashed into Lake Valor and was sucked into a whirlpool. Once the ship was underwater, the protective glass broke and the ship was flooded, causing it to explode. * Engine's losing power fast! ** Who: One of J's Henchmen ** Source: "The Needs of the Three!" [Ep. 617] ** Note: Said as a response to Hunter J while trying to manage the ship which was attacked and destroyed by Uxie and Mesprit. * We've lost control! ** Who: One of J's Henchmen ** Source: "The Needs of the Three!" [Ep. 617] ** Note: Said as a response to Hunter J while trying to manage the ship which was attacked and destroyed by Uxie and Mesprit. * It's mine... MINE ALONE! ** Who: Cyrus ** Source: "The Battle Finale of Legend!" [Ep. 618] ** Note: Said as he stepped into the portal to establish his utopian world before the portal was destroyed by the freed Dialga and Palkia. * NO! NOT YET! MOVE! IT'S NOT OVER YET! ** Who: Lysandre ** Source: "Forming a More Perfect Union!" [Ep. 935] ** Note: Said as he refused to accept his defeat, he was on top of the Giant Rock when it was attacked and destroyed by Core Enforcer used by Zygarde, and Lysandre fell into the explosion. * JAN! ** Who: Aila ** Source: "The Legend of X, Y, and Z!" [Special episode] ** Note: Yveltal fired Oblivion Wing at Jan. Aila jumped in front of him, however, and took the attack herself. This caused her to turn into stone. * Yes. And here I will always remain. Now I must return to my nap. Thank you for the conversation, young lady. It was most enjoyable. ** Who: Jan ** Source: "The Legend of X, Y, and Z!" [Special episode] ** Note: An elderly Jan was in a chat with a young girl, lying on the grass next to the statue of Aila. * The Flash Cannon you used in order to save your friends... The truth is using that move really touched Tapu Fini's heart. My congrats! ** Who: Sofu ** Source: "Memories in the Mist!" [Ep. 1047] ** Note: As a ghost summoned by Tapu Fini's mist, said as he congrated her granddaughter Hopu for being the new Poni Island Kahuna accepted by Tapu Fini. * I know you can't see it, but my heart will always be connected to your heart, your father's, and your brother's. ** Who: Mallow's mother ** Source: "Memories in the Mist!" [Ep. 1047] ** Note: As a ghost summoned by Tapu Fini's mist, said as she hugged Mallow before disappearing when the mist ended. === ''Powerpuff Girls'' === * Bunny do good! ** Who: Bunny (The Experimental Powerpuff Girl) ** Notes: Bunny is a Powerpuff Girl the Girls created to lessen the work load on them, so they tell her to keep Townsville safe from crime and throw the villians in jail. Unfortunately, Bunny ends up beating innocent policemen and leaving the criminals be. Soon, the villains pummel down upon the Girls and Bunny flies back to defeat the criminals, but explodes into oblivion following the battle due to her instability upon creation, leaving the girls to mourn over the loss of their creation. * Not again! (Mojo Jojo: GET THEM!!!) (They crash out through the window and go after the girls, but stopped as the record scratches.) HUH?! WHAT THE-- * ''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!'' ** Who: Brick, Butch, and Boomer, The Rowdyruff Boys ** Notes: In an attempt to kill the Powerpuff Girls, Mojo Jojo creates males versions of them to take them down. He succeeds at first, but the girls soon find out the weakness of the Boys (cooties) and cause them to blow up (like Bunny, see above) by kissing them. They are however resurrected by the demon Him later in the series. * Get back! I am your master! (PPG Clone: Only the master of evil, Dick!) No! Nooo! ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'' ** Who: Dick Hardly ** Notes: After the Powerpuff Girl clones realize how awful Dick has been treating him, they rebel against him. Dick is killed after the clones sacrifice themselves to destroy him. * Get out, before it's too late. ** Who: A Blossom reject ** Notes: Sacrifice themselves to destroy Dick Hartley and free the Professor and the girls after turning against him. * As I descend to the Earth, and I view the universe above me, I realize that life revolves, evolves, and dissolves, completely around the opposites. Therefore, I conclude that I cannot exist in my Utopian... mind. ** Who: The Gnome ** Notes: A gnome, who emerged from a rose, tells the girls that he can get rid of all the evils of the world, but they must give up their powers. The girls agree, and Townsville is now a peaceful and harmonic utopia. However, even though the gnome provided safety, he has robbed the town of its freewill. Since he has become evil, the deal he made with the girls is broken and they regain their powers. The girls travel to his headquarters and confront him. During the confrontation, the gnome falls from the top of the rose, saying the above line as he falls into oblivion. === ''Precure Series'' === === ''Smile Precure/Glitter Force'' === * Yes! Yes! That's right, Master! Take my power! Absorb my energy! Do with me what you will! It's an honor and a privelege to be reduced to a puddle of goo in your service, Master! ** Who: Joker/Rascal ** Notes: Character sacrifices himself upon his master's release, melting into the despair-inducing black paint. He later revives himself a decade later in the show's epilogue novel where he is killed for good. * I've been defeated by a smile? The horror! ** Who: Pierrot/Emperor Nogo ** Notes: Character is vaporized by the Glitter Force with a giant apparition that gives him a hug and a smile. === HUGtto! Pretty Cure and === * Who: George Cry === ''[[w:Psycho-Pass|Psycho-Pass]]'' === * Wh-Wh-What the hell is this?! ** Who: Nobuo Okura ** Source: "Crime Coefficient" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Character was finished off by Kōgami. * You too will be discarded eventually when Mr. Makishima gets bored of you. ** Who: Rikako Ōryō ** Source: "And Then, Silence" [Ep. 8] ** Note: Character was a high school killer. She was killed by Senguji. * No! Help! Akane! ** Who: Yuki Funahana ** Source: "Saint's Supper" [Ep. 11] ** Note: Character was Akane's friend. She was slaughtered by Makishima. * Put down your guns! Put them down! ** Who: The "Big Fish" Guy ** Source: "Crossroad of the Devil" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character was finished off by Sasayama. * Well, we can't give this to you... Psychotropic substances are available to you only at authorized facilities and require a prescription and your biological data... * Someone! Someone, help! ** Who: Pharmacists ** Source: "Sweet Poison" [Ep. 14] ** Note: Two of the pharmacists were killed by Ito. The top last words is the male one and the bottom last words is the female one. * Wh-What do you want? ** Who: Hiroko Fuji ** Source: "Sweet Poison" [Ep. 14] ** Note: Character was killed by Ito. * You've got the wrong idea! If you really think that, why don't you check my Hu- ** Who: Junmei Ito ** Source: "The Town Where Sulfur Falls" [Ep. 15] ** Note: Character was helmetless. While confronted by civilians, he was beaten to death. * This is... the true form of the Sibyl System! We don't even have to destroy this. If we make this public, it'll be the end of this country. And this time, real riots will occur. No one will be able to stop them! ** Who: Choe Gu-sung ** Source: "The Gates of Judgment" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character was a Korean immigrant. He was finished off by a cyborg Kasei. * Oh, give me a break... This bites. ** Who: Shūsei Kagari ** Source: "The Gates of Judgment" [Ep. 16] ** Note: Character was finished off by a cyborg Kasei. * St-Stop it! ** Who: Cyborg Jōshū Kasei ** Source: "Heart of Iron" [Ep. 17] ** Note: Character was a cyborg copy who was destroyed by Makishima. * I'm not fit to be called a detective. You are my son after all. Your eyes... look just the same as mine... when I was young. ** Who: Tomomi Masaoka ** Source: "Blood-Stained Reward" [Ep. 21] ** Note: Character dies while protecting Ginoza from a dynamite Makishima threw at him, smiling to his son in his last moments as his face reminds him of himself. * Say, what do you think, Kōgami... after this, will you be able to find a replacement for me? ** Who: Shōgo Makishima ** Source: "Perfect World" [Ep. 22] ** Note: Character was a main antagonist in Psycho-Pass Season 1. He was finally killed by Kōgami. === ''[[w:Puella Magi Madoka Magica|Puella Magi Madoka Magica]]'' === * Tiro Finale! ** Who: Mami Tomoe ** Source: "I'm Not Afraid of Anything Anymore" [Ep. 3] ** Note: Character fights the witch, but the witch she was fighting pops out a new form and bites her head off, then eats her corpse. * I was stupid... so stupid... ** Who: Sayaka Miki ** Source: "I Was Stupid, So Stupid" [Ep. 8] ** Note: Character admits her stupidity before her Soul Gem, having turned completely dark, shatters and transforms into a Grief Seed, then, she corrupted into a witch. * I know, Sayaka. It sucks to be alone. Believe me, I know... But it's okay now... Because I'm here with you... Sayaka... ** Who: Kyoko Sakura ** Source: "I'd Never Allow That to Happen" [Ep. 9] ** Note: Character sacrifices herself to destroy Oktavia/witch-Sayaka. * Goodbye, Homura. Take care. ** Who: First Timeline Madoka Kaname ** Source: "I Won't Rely on Anyone Anymore" [Ep. 10] ** Note: Character killed in the battle against Walpurgisnacht alongside with Mami in the first timeline. * Sayaka... Dammit! How could this happen? ** Who: Third Timeline Kyoko Sakura ** Source: "I Won't Rely on Anyone Anymore" [Ep. 10] ** Note: Character was killed by Mami in the third timeline. * If Soul Gems give birth to witches... then we have no choice but to die... Of me... and you! ** Who: Third Timeline Mami Tomoe ** Source: "I Won't Rely on Anyone Anymore" [Ep. 10] ** Note: Character was killed by Madoka in the third timeline. * Finally, you called me by my first name. I'm so happy...! ** Who: Third Timeline Madoka Kaname ** Source: "I Won't Rely on Anyone Anymore" [Ep. 10] ** Note: Character was killed by Homura in the third timeline. * So, until then, take care of yourself, okay? * Well, are you ready to go? * Do your best. ** Who: Madoka Kaname ** Source: "My Very Best Friend" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character starts to fade into a higher plane of existence, present at all points in all spacetimes but absent from human memory and perception. The first line said when she was about to fade, the second line was with the second send-off Sayaka, and the third line was after the ending. * That is Hitomi, so let it slide. Kyosuke doesn't deserve a girl as cool as her. I'm sure the two of them will be very happy, won't they? ** Who: Second Send-Off Sayaka Miki ** Source: "My Very Best Friend" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character, in a second send-off, deciding that she wanted Kamijou and Hitomi to be happy and getting a much more peaceful death in return. === ''Pucca'' === * You made my mascara run! and you smudged my lipstick! That's wasn't very friendly! No more Miss nice girl! ** Who: Good Ring-Ring ** Note: Good Ring-Ring was getting Evil Ring-Ring's attention to keep her from killing Pucca. At midst of doing so, Evil Ring-Ring sends her flying and landing onto the ground which ruins God Ring-Ring's make-up and gets her extremely angry. This causes both Ring-Ring to merge to change back to the original Ring-Ring. * Do I have your attention NOW!? ** Who: Evil Ring-Ring ** Note: Good Ring-Ring was getting Evil Ring-Ring's attention to keep her from killing Pucca. At midst of doing so, Evil Ring-Ring sends her flying and landing onto the ground which ruins God Ring-Ring's make-up and gets her extremely angry. This causes both Ring-Ring to merge to change back to the original Ring-Ring. === RahXephon === * I have to tell him... I have to. * I want to tell you the truth. I want to talk to you more. Ayato, I love you. Ayato... Goodbye. ** Who: Hiroko Asahina ** Note: The first line consists of Asahina's last spoken words. The second line consists of her final thoughts which she writes in her journal and which are displayed throughout the city in the form of electrical abnormalities. She is reborn at the end of the series with the reality reworking. === Rankin/Bass Holiday Specials === * Stay in here much longer, and I'll really make a splash in the world. ** Who: Frosty ** Source: Frosty the Snowman ** Note: This is prior to Professor Hinkel slamming the door in a greenhouse shut while Frosty and Karen are inside. When Santa arrives and Hocus leads him inside Frosty has melted. Santa then brings Frosty back to life after comforting Karen, who was present when Frosty melted. * He ain't nothin' without his chompers! Let me at him! WAHOOOO!! ** Who: Yukon Corneilius ** Source: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ** Note: This occurs after he notices Hermie yanked all of the Abombible Snowmonster's teeth, and then falls off a cliff after he and his sled dogs tackle the beast. He apparently survives the fall as he and "Bumble" bounced out of the cliff. * Ears, Nestor. ** Who: Nestor's mother ** Source: Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey ** This line is said while Nestor's mother is protecting him from the snowstorm which freezes her but Nestor is unharmed. Nestor later hears her voice and sees her while guiding Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem. * No. NOOOOO! My power is gone! When the staff dies, I go too! I turn... I turn... I turn into... a tree. ** Who: Winterbolt ** Source: Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July ** Note: His scepter had just been broken once Lily had blasted it with her guns. The character says these lines as he soon turns into a tree afterwards. === ''[[w:Record of Lodoss War|Record of Lodoss War]]'' === * Parn! Become a worthy knight. ** Who: Captain Jebra ** Note: The captain of the guard stationed in Myce. With the fort about to fall, Jebra implores Parn to leave and says this before defiantly charging at Ashram and being killed in the resulting duel. * Kashue! ** Who: Naba ** Note: Said when trying to kill Kashue in a rage. Parn distracts him until Kashue cuts the raging prisoner down. * Maybe not, Beld, but I'll live long enough to see you dead! ** Who: King Fahn ** Note: The king of Valis, in a fight between him and his former friend Beld, Fahn says this as age hasn't changed his fighting. The two then empower their weapons and charge at one another. Fahn's strike only succeeds in hurting Beld, while Beld successfully kills the king. * My feelings exactly, Fahn. ** Who: Beld ** Note: The king of the dark island of Marmo, Beld engages his former friend Fahn in battle. He says this and kills Fahn with a powerful strike after an intense duel. Suddenly, Karla strikes Beld dead with a dark spear of energy. * Leylia... ** Who: Ghim ** Note: The dwarven warrior who accompanies Parn's party. He is desperate to free Leylia from Karla's control. While the party is at a disadvantage, Ghim uses the last of his strength to throw his axe at the tiara possessing Leylia. Ghim calls out to Leylia before dying. * Let Kardis be reborn! Darkness rules! Let all be doomed! Without the Scepter of Domination, the world will be yours! ''(Destroys the Scepter of Domination)'' No one cna control Kardis now! All Lodoss is doomed! NOTHING WILL REMAIN! NOTHING! ** Who: Wagnard ** Note: A wizard who once followed Beld and wants to resurrect Kardis to rule over Lodoss. Having been defeated by Ashram, he destroys the Scepter of Domination and evilly says this knowing that Lodoss is doomed. He then falls into the crevasse formed in the cave and it closed, thus Wagnard is never seen again. === ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' === * See [[Last words in Rick and Morty]]. === ''[[Samurai X|Rurouni Kenshin]]'' === * Don’t look at me like that, Battousai. I much prefer the look in your eyes when you said you were going to kill me. Within every fiber of your being, you’re truly a manslayer. I am also a manslayer, so I know of what I speak. A manslayer is a manslayer until the day he dies… he can never be anything else. Ugh… I’ll be watching you from the edge of hell… to see how long you can keep saying… you’re a wonderer… ** Who: Jin-e Udo ** Notes: A hitokiri who wanted to reawaken Kenshin's destiny as Battousai, Jin-e had put Kenshin into a wild spell that nearly kills him, until Kaoru snaps Kenshin out. After stabbing himself, Jin-e reminds his enemy when he descends to hell, he'll watch over Kenshin to see if he is a killer. * Leader... Don't give me that look 'cause it doesn't suit you at all. I'm glad that these old msucles I've got thanks to my training as a member of the Oniwaban group finally came in handy for something... ** Who: Shikijo ** Notes: A strong member of the Oniwaban group, with their master, Aoshi defeated, Shikijo sacrifices himself to shield Aoshi from Kanryu's gatling gun. Before dying, Shikijo admits he did something right with his muscles. * I'm sorry for lettin' you down... ** Who: Hyottoko ** Notes: A member of the Oniwaban group with the abilities of a flame thrower, Hyottoko charges at Kanryu, but is riddled with gatling gun bullets. He dies apologizing to his boss for his failure. * I guess we just couldn't help you when needed us the most... ** Who: Beshimi ** Notes: A member of the Oniwaban group specializing in poison darts, Beshimi attempts to throw poison at Kanryu, but is riddle with gatling gun bullets, but not before clogging Kanryu's weapon. He dies admitting he was useless. * FAREWELL, LEADER! ** Who: Han'nya ** Notes: An Oniwaban group member with the ability to make illusions, Han'nya admits he'll be taking the Hiten Mitsurugi style as his souvenir to the underworld, then bids his boss farewell, before being killed by Kanryu's gatling gun. * If Himura does not go, this nation will collapse. ** Who: Toshimichi Okubo ** Notes: A former samurai who went on to be a Meiji Government official and hired Kenshin Himura to take down Shishio. He hopes that Himura will save the nation before Sojiro Seta breaks into his carriage and assassinates him. * To hold onto one's beliefs without even the smallest fraction of doubt... It seems easy, but what a difficult thing it easy. Just how long will you last in this new world of the Meiji? Can you live by the sword holding true to your pressures are consumed... to...? ** Who: Usui Uonuma ** Notes: A Juppongatana member who uses the rochin spear and the tinbe shield, he is defeated by Saito's Zeroshiki. Before dying, Usui longs to know how long his opponent would last. * Please win... Please win this battle, Lord Shishio... I'll... be waiting for you... darling... one step ahead of you... in hell... ** Who: Yumi Komagata ** Notes: Shishio's lover who struggles to keep Shishio and Kenshin from killing one another. Being impaled on her lover's sword, Yumi spends her last moments thinking of the right thing she did, then tells Shishio she'll be waiting in hell. * The weak shall become food for the strong. So DIE AND LET ME FEAST! ** Who: Makoto Shishio ** Notes: The leader of the Juppongatana, during his final battle with Kenshin, his body heat overloads and he burns alive laughing maniacally. Having been sent to Hell, Shishio plots to take over. * I'll go with you, but it won't be to repent for my sins. It'll be to spread word about Lord Shishio's battles within all the courthouses, and I'll convince who imbeciles in the government of the need to install a regime where only the strongest survive...! FOR LORD SHISHIO'S SAKE, AND FOR THIS COUNTRY'S! ** Who: Hoji Sadojima ** Notes: One of the Juppongatana, he goes to jail. With his master's dream dead and his hopes to confess Shishio's plans denied, Hoji cuts his own throat and in his death throes, writes one last message in his own blood in his cell. * What? Is it over already? It appears that Magadalia's pet dog didn't have very much life. ''(laughs evilly)'' The heavens finally belong to ME! ** Who: Kaio ** Notes: Shougo's traitorous assistant. After defeating Shouzo, he gloats how he can rule Heaven, but Shouzo blows him up with bombs. * It's burned. It's all burned. My kingdom. ** Who: Meldars ** Notes: The first lieutenant of the Black Knights. With the formula for the secret elixir burning before his eyes, he knows his dream for his kingdom has died. He then laughs insanely and runs into the flames, burning himself alive. === ''[[South Park]]'' === * Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls] Agh. ** Who: Pablo * 8Source: Rainforest Shmainforest ** Notes: During the tour of the rainforest a coral snake killed and ate the tour guide as the guy did a speech about the snake. * Noooo! ** Who: Veronica ** Source: The Succubus ** Notes: During Chef's wedding the boys play "The Morning After" backwards which resulted in a battle to kill the Succubus. * But this isn't fair! ** Who: New Kenny ** Source: Fat Camp ** Notes: The kid was forced to dress up as Kenny due to Kenny got arrested for prostitution. He went up Mrs Crabtree's uterus and later died in there. * Remember this time, try and fucking remember this time! ** Who: Mysterion ** Source: Coon Vs Coon and Friends ** Notes: Kenny as Mysterion tries to get his friends to remember that he dies all the times. He shot himself but was later alive and well. * NO!! THIS IS RACIAL STEREOTYPE!!! ** Who: Owner of City Sushi ** Source: City Sushi ** Notes: The owner of City Wok tried to kill him by choking him but after that guy's secret is revealed the owner of City Sushi chose to kill himself due to he mistook White man for Chinese. * Don't let... Black Friday... be the end. ** Who: Old Cap ** Source: Black Friday ** Notes: Said after a shopper stabbed him in the chest. Before dying he gave his fake scar to Randy and then dies by bleeding to death. * H-hey, hey, kids. ''[coughs]'' I'm sorry. ''[Kyle: No, Satan, you can't die!]'' Everyone dies. I just wish I could have helped you. ''[coughs again]'' Oh God, it hurts. ''[Cartman: We can't do this without you, Satan.]'' You have to. You have to keep trying. ''[Kyle: If '''you''' can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be-??]'' You have to keep trying!! ''[coughs]'' You... have to believe. ** Who: Satan ** Source: Nobody Got Cereal? ** Notes: Character is fatally wounded trying to save the town from ManBearPig. He tells the boys not to give up and to keep finding a way to stop ManBearPig before he breathes his last. Seconds later, his spirit gets a halo and wings due to finding his redemption on Earth and ascends into heaven with a soft "Goodbye." === ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' === * Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's comin' in! Hawhawhawhaw! Dude? * Dudes! He made me experience high tide! Hawhawhawhaw! ** Who: Scooter ** Source: Spongebob Squarepants (Bubble Buddy) ** Notes: Was asked to be buried in the sand, but was exposed to high tide and drowns, and comes back as an angel. He is alive again episodes later due to inconsistent continuity. * You doodle! Me SpongeBob!! * Huh?! (SpongeBob: Page for Mr. Doodle!) ''BWAAAAAAAAAA!!!'' ** Who: DoodleBob ** Source: Spongebob Squarepants (Frankendoodle) ** Notes: This is prior to Doodlebob trying to erase Spongebob and he is eventually shut inside a book (the last thing he is heard saying is "Huh? BWAAA!" and becomes an average lifeless doodle (not "dead" but close enough). * Curses! You win. ** Who: Lord Planktonimore ** Notes: Electrocuted into a pile of ash by his own jellyfish dragon, wounded, he cries this out after realizing he has lost. It is unknown whether or not he was killed. * Well, don't mind if I do. ** Who: Old Man Jenkins ** Notes: In the episode Friend or Foe, Krabs and Plankton offer Old Man Jenkins to be their first customer, but the food is so bad it causes him to fall on his back, dead or unconscious. * Does that mean I won't get that raise, sir? ** Who: Carl ** Notes: Swept away in the stream of synthetic krabby patties. A few seasons later reveals he survived. * I'm gonna stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! Come get some! ** Who: Sergeant Roderick ** Source: Spongebob Squarepants (Mrs. Puff Gets Fired) ** Notes: Was run-over by SpongeBob's boat head-on. It's unknown if he made it afterwards. * Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a -- [cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried] ** Who: Guitarist #1 ** Notes: Said before they perform Patricks song and they died immediately due to Patricks song is so horrible that it killed them for out of no reason at all. * You're throwing in the towel? ** Who: Karen 2 * Ha! Let's try that again, but this time, I attack! ** Who: Dirty Bubble ** Source: SpongeBob SquarePants (Patrick-Man!) ** Note: He decides to charge at Patrick-Man but Patrick-Man spots a Krabby Patty on the ground and bends over with his ice cream cone hat popping the Dirty Bubble and freeing SpongeBob. * I feel funny. ** Who: SpongeBob's first clone ("Me Two") ** Note: Plankton used cheap toner on the copy machine used to make the SpongeBob clones, so after a while, Me Two and the others disappear from existence. *Yummy! ** Who: Filthy Muck ** Note: A garbage creature who resembles Patrick. This was the only thing he says throughout the episode; he is mute the whole time he spends with SpongeBob, before being disintegrated by the Bikini Bottomites' cleaning materials. === ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' === * (Japanese and DiC dub) Queen Beryl! Wait! NO! * (Viz Media dub) No! Please, Queen Beryl! ** Who: Jadeite / Jedite ** Notes: Character was punished for failing the aforementioned Queen and said these lines before being sealed in a crystal. He presumably perished when Princess Serenity/Serena destroyed the Dark Kingdom/Negaverse * (Original Japanese) I'm so sorry, Naru … I guess I won't be taking you out for a chocolate parfait... * (DiC dub) Don't forget me. I just want you to know, you're in my heart. * (Viz Media dub) Looks like I continued to lie to you until the very end. Forgive me. ''[Naru (crying softly): No...]'' Thank you... for being part of my life. ** Who: Nephrite / Neflite ** Source: Sailor Moon (1st season) ** Notes: Character had fallen in love with Naru (known as "Molly" in the original DiC English dub) and sacrificed himself to save her. The first line refers to a promise he made to her earlier, while the second line in the original English dub asks her not to forget him. * (Original Japanese) Thank you... You have no idea how much I love you, my dear Kunzite... * (DiC dub) The only one who failed is me, Malachite. You told me not to seek revenge, but I didn't listen. Promise... just promise me one last thing, Malachite. Don't forget me. * (Viz Media) This is perfect. Thank you, Kunzite, for everything. Know this in your heart, Kunzite: I will always love you... ** Who: Zoycite (DiC dub) / Zoisite (original Japanese and Viz Media English dub) ** Source: Sailor Moon (1st season) ** Notes: Character disobeyed Queen Beryl's direct orders and was punished with death. He spoke the lines above to Kunzite reaffirming his/her love for him. * (Original Japanese)In the future, on Earth... please live happy lives everyone! * (DiC dub) On behalf of the Moon, you will be free again. * (Viz Media dub) This is my final wish. Live in peace... and happiness... ** Who: Queen Serenity ** Source: Sailor Moon (1st season) ** Notes: Character sacrificed her life force to reincarnate her daughter (Usagi/Serena), and the Sailor Senshi/Scouts in the future, bidding them goodbye with the above line. * (Original Japanese) Zoisite! Please, take me wherever you are...! * (DiC dub) Zoycite, it's me! I'll be coming to join you real soon, Zoycite! Do you hear me? * (Viz Media dub) Oh, Zoisite, help guide me to the world where your soul is in limbo! I'M COMING, MY LOVE!!! ** Who: Kunzite / Malachite ** Source: Sailor Moon (1st season) ** Notes: Character fought the Scouts, but was killed when Sailor Moon reflected his own attack at him. Both of the lines above show his dying wish: to be reunited with his love. * (Original Japanese) Queen Metallia... Please, share your power with me... I need it to defeat that accursed girl! Please! * (DiC dub) I can't be defeated again! I've waited too long for this! Tell me how to win this! * (Viz Media Dub) Queen Metallia... I beg of you, please grant me your energy... With enough power to crush that despicable girl. Please, Queen Metallia, I will do anything! ** Who: Queen Beryl ** Source: Sailor Moon (1st season) ** Notes: After being defeated by Endymion, Beryl begs for Metallia's help in both versions. Metallia possesses her, and they proceed to be defeated and killed in the very next battle. * (DiC dub) This can't be! Nooooo! * (Viz Media Dub) What's that?! ** Who: Queen Metalia / The Negaforce ** Notes: While merged with Queen Beryl (though speaking with Beryl's voice), is destroyed by Princess Serenity/Princess Serena. * (Original Japanese) I feel something nice and warm inside me... I've never felt this before. En, after performing a Heroic Sacrifice for Ali. She gets better. (Japanese version) * (Viz Media dub) Something warm is flowing through me... I've never felt this way before. My only regret... is that I'm leaving you... ** An ** Source Sailor Moon R (2nd Season) ** Notes: One of the two Makaiju Aliens who were the antagonists of the first arc of ''R''. In the final episode of the arc, when the Makai Tree is out of control, she takes a stabbing from one of the branches for her brother, Ail (or Ali as he's known in the Japanese version). She gets brought back to life shortly after. * (Original Japanese) Esmeraude! Help me! ESMERAUDE! * (DiC dub) No! Emerald, come back here! EMERAAAAALD! * (Viz Media dub) Esmeraude, no! Don't leave me! ESMERAUDE!!! ** Who: Rubeus ** Source: Sailor Moon R (2nd season) ** Notes: Character fought Sailor Moon, and his ship starts to self-destruct in order to kill them. When they teleported out of the ship, Esmeraude/Emerald, another member of his clan, teleported in. Rubeus initially thought she was there to save him, but she merely came to tell him that he had failed too many times, leaving him to his fate immediately afterwards as he dies when his ship is blown to kingdom come. His death is especially ironic since he did the exact same thing to the Spectre/Ayakashi Sisters. * (DiC dub) Diamond... ** Who: Esmeraude/Emerald ** Source: Sailor Moon R (2nd season) ** Notes: Says this as her spirit fades away into the void after being killed by Sailor Moon with her finishing move while in dragon form * (Original Japanese) Forgive me... Petz... Brother... * (DiC dub) Prizma, I'm sorry. ** Who: Saphir/Sapphire ** Source: Sailor Moon R (2nd season) ** Notes: Character had found out Wiseman's true colors, and raced to warn his brother, Prince Demando/Diamond. Wiseman, however, mortally wounded him just as he got there, and he said one of the above lines per version before he died in his brother's arms. * Sailor Moon... Sorry I lied. I did love you. * (Viz Media dub) I thank you... Sailor Moon, my love... ** Who: Prince Demande/Diamond ** Source: Sailor Moon R (2nd Season) ** Notes: Diamond had wanted Sailor Moon for his own, and had brought her to his base to marry her. However, Wiseman revealed his true nature there and tried to kill Sailor Moon. Diamond defeated him and seemingly destroyed him, then said the line above as he died in her arms. * (Original Japanese) I, Death Phantom, God of Darkness, will not be defeated! * (DiC dub) What? This can't be happening! No one is as strong as the Doom Phan... * (Viz Media dub) This can't be happening. I am Death Phantom, the Ruler of Darkness! ** Who: Wiseman/Death Phantom ** Source: Sailor Moon R (2nd Season) ** Notes: Wiseman says one of the above lines per version as Sailor Moon's R form Neo-Queen Serenity and Chibi Sailor Moon blow him up with a combined love attack after he recovers from Demando's/Diamond's assault. (Incidentally, this is very similar to the way Queen Chrysalis was defeated.) * (Original Japanese) T-the brakes aren't working? What?!? * (Cloverway dub) What? "Scream if your brakes have been corroded by acid-eating snails"?! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! * (Viz Media dub) "What's wrong with these brakes?! WHAT?! "Death to the snail woman in the station wagon!"?! MIMETE!! ** Who: Eudial/Eugeal ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: Character says this as she realizes that she has had her car's brakes sabotaged by Mimete/Mimet and thus plows through a guardrail off a cliff, sending her falling to her doom in the ocean. * (Original Japanese) S-Stop! Please, stop! Come on, I'll apologize! Anything but that! Just don't pull that plug! ''[Tellu: Sayanora, fool.]'' NO!!!' * (Cloverway dub) No, no! Stop it! Please! I apologize! Don't do it! I beg of you! You can have my job! Don't pull the plug! Please, please! ''[Telulu: Ta-ta, Mimet.]'' NO!!! * (Viz Media dub) Wait, don't do that! I'm begging you! I'll apologize, we can work it out! Please just don't pull the plug, I don't wanna die in here! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! ''[Tellu: Sorry, too late.]'' NO!!! ** Who: Mimete/Mimet ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: Was begging Tellu/Telulu for her life when Tellu pulled the plug on her while inside Eudial/Eugeal's enlarging machine, sending her falling into a pit of nothingness. * (Original Japanese) STOP IT! * (Cloverway Dub) I'll be good! I promise! ** Who: Telulu ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: Character says the first line to beg the Senshi for help in the English dub and says the second line to her plant monster to get it to let her go in the Japanese version before the plant self-destructs, killing her. * (Original Japanese) IDIOTS! DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT IT'S ME?!?! * (Cloverway Dub) Super Sailor Moon's got reflector shields which bounces your rays back to me! STOP NANO! YOU'RE DISSOLVING ME!!! ** Who: Viluy/Byruit ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: Character says this as she is being dissolved alive due to her control bracelets malfunctioning. Despite what she said, her nanocuff backfired due to being damaged by Sailor Moon rather than reflector shields. * (All versions) Cyprin! ** Who: Petitrol ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: See Notes section for Cyprin. * (All versions) Petitrol! ** Who: Cyprin ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: Characters were tricked into blasting each other with their own attacks. Since they were part of one person, this effectively killed them both. * Owie. ** Who: Germatoid ** Source: Sailor Moon S (3rd Season) ** Notes: Character says this after being stabbed in the eye with Sailor Jupiter's "Space Sword Blaster" attack. (Since the death wasn't all that family friendly, this might've been intentional.) * (Cloverway dub) Leave me alone! I don't need you! Now, leave me alone, Hotaru! You're completely… completely worthless to us! I won't share this body! You're no longer needed! Remove yourself! Remove yourself! ** Who: Mistress 9 ** Source: Sailor Moon S (3rd Season) ** Notes: Was possessing Hotaru, who overpowered her from within by thinking of those who cared about her, and her power, along with awakening as Sailor Saturn, destroys Mistress 9. * (Original Japanese) Farewell... * (Cloverway dub) Good bye. Thank you! * (Viz Media dub) Good bye now. ** Who: Hotaru Tomoe/Sailor Saturn ** Source: Sailor Moon S (Season 3) ** Notes: After her Mistress 9 form was destroyed, Hotaru becomes Sailor Saturn and enters Pharaoh 90 to destroy him, sacrificing herself in the process. She is later reincarnated as an infant, which sticks until the 5th season, ''Sailor Stars''. * (Cloverway dub) Who's there? Where are you? ** Who: Pharaoh 90 ** Source: Sailor Moon S (3rd season) ** Notes: Sailor Saturn was inside him about to sacrifice herself to destroy him. However, Sailor Moon turned into Super Sailor Moon, entered Pharaoh 90, and destroyed his core, obliterating him and saving Hotaru. * (Cloverway dub) No more clowning around! ** Who: Mr. Magic Pierrot ** Source: Sailor Moon Super S (4th season) ** Notes: Though a monster of the week who is killed by Sailor Moon's Moon Gorgeous Meditation like all the others of the season, this one is notable for directly killing Hawk's Eye, and indirectly killing Tiger's Eye and Fish Eye (though all three were revived). * But I'm not... ** Who: Bonnon ** Source: Ami-chan no Hatsukoi (Sailor Moon S Special) ** Notes: Bonnon was an 100 year old spirit that preyed upon Sailor Mercury to steal her desire, thinking that she was in love with someone codenamed "Mercurius". Bonnon visited her at her home and stole her knowledge; however, Mercury recovered but mistook Bonnon for Mercurius. Bonnon's last words were said to set Mercury straight seconds before she was killed with "Mercury Aqua Mirage". === ''Sailor Moon Crystal'' === * "Who are you-?" ** Who: Rubeus ** Notes: Says this to a shadowed Black Lady before being strangled to death by Wiseman. * My Queen... (to Sailor Moon before ripped to pieces by Death Phantom's psychic power) ** Who: Prince Demande/Diamond ** Notes: Says this to Sailor Moon before being ripped to pieces by Death Phantom's power when he intercepted an attack meant for her. === ''Saint Seiya'' === * Seiya was right... This whole time I was actually just afraid of being injured in battle. However, we was willing to win no matter what. Even at the cost of his life. That must be why he... Why he won... ** Who: Lizard Misty ** Notes: The narcissistic Lizard silver saint from France. After an intense fight, Pegasus Seiya defeats him with the Pegasus Rolling Crash. Emerging from the water, Misty thinks these final thoughts before falling dead. * What?! Impossible! He can't counter from midair! He would have to have wings to be able to do that! Die, Seiya! ''(Seiya roars and shows images of wings)'' Seiya has wings?! ''(Seiya kicks him hard enough to break his hand)'' He broke my hand! ** Who: Whale Moses ** Notes: The whale silver saint from New Zealand. Claiming that Marin is Seiya's sister only ignited Seiya's cosmo even further. This causes Moses to say this and Asterion to try to warn him of another attack but too late. Seiya defeats him with a Pegasus Meteor Punch then Moses dies of his injuries. * Marin, are you seriously going to rebel against Sanctuary? You must realize... what will happen...! ''(Eagle Marin: Of course I do. A full-on war between Saints. I have no doubt it will end with the deaths of Seiya and the other Bronze Cloth boys. But not before they bring an end to the evil that plagues Sanctuary. It will surely usher in a new era of Saints.)'' M-Marin, you... ** Who: Hound Asterion ** Notes: The hound silver saint from Denmark with the power of insight. Eagle Marin escapes her death trap with Kiki's help and defeats Asterion with the Eagle Toe Flash. As he dies, Asterion is concerned that because she betrayed Sanctuary, it will ignite a full-scale war between Saints. Asterion reaches for Marin but dies. * Evil has found its way into Sanctuary... Someone is trying to have this child killed because... ''(Mitsumasa Kido: "Sanctuary"?!)'' I desperately fought them off and managed to get her this far... The Pope has yet to notice, but a number of Saints have already succumbed to the evil in Sanctuary and no longer follow his command. I'm afraid I can't escape from them any longer. Please, I need you to keep this child safe until she becomes an adult. The girls is the reincarnation of Athena... a blessing send by the Gods to protect our world whenever evil runs rampant. In time, this girl will attract a group of strong and courageous young men who will follow her lead as Athena. They will fight in the name of justice to expel the evil from our world and save mankind. Among them, one will rise as a true Saint and you must present this to them; The Sagittarius Gold Cloth... ** Who: Sagittarius Aiolos ** Notes: The Gold Saint of Sagittarius from Greece. Years prior to the story, Mitsumasa Kido stumbled upon Aiolos who fought of a number of evil saints protecting a baby girl. Dying of his injuries, he says these words entrusting the baby who is the reincarnation of Athena and would later be raised Saori Kido, as well as the Sagittarius Gold Cloth. * What is this Cosmo? It's so powerful, yet tender. ** Who: Centaurus Babel ** Notes: The Centaurus silver saint from Iraq with the power of fire. He is defeated by Hyoga's Aurora Thunder Attack and having been informed Athena is backing the Bronze Saints up, Babel wonders about Athena's cosmo embracing him. Athena hopes he will be reborn to fight alongside her in his next life and he smiles before he collapses dead on the spot. * Y-you're inhuman! How can you fight after taking out your own eyes?! ''(gets uppercutted by Shiryu and crashes to the ground hard)'' I've never seen a man with such monstrous strength...! ** Who: Perseus Algol ** Notes: The Perseus silver saint from Saudi Arabia armed with the Medusa Shield to turn enemies to stone. Shiryu hits him with his Lushan Rising Dragon Lord breaking the Medusa Shield while Algol complains about how Shiryu can fight without using his eyes. After crashing, he thinks of Shiryu's superhuman strength before he dies. * My precious crows... my darling pets! ** Who: Crow Jamian ** Notes: The Crow silver saint from England. Having been cut off from his crows by Athena and beaten by Shun, he wails over losing his crows before falling to his death. * That is all... impossible...! Are you telling me I've been hallucinating ever since that moment? ** Who: Auriga Capella ** Notes: The Auriga silver saint from Greece. As Phoenix Ikki made a line to warn Capella and Dante not to cross lest they be killed, Capella mocks it and tries to cross anyway. Ikki blasts Capella with a Phoenix Specter Punch piercing his head. It then seems like Capella had decapitated Ikki but the illusion turns his Saucer Attack on him, cutting his hands off and shredding his body. After Capella says this, Ikki reminds him his own first saucer he threw will return. The saucer runs Capella through and kills him. * U-unbelievable! ** Who: Cerberus Dante ** Notes: The Cerberus silver saint from Italy. Injured from his fight with Ikki, Dante tries to take him by surprise but Shun fights in Ikki's place. Shun manages to break Dante's spiked ball and chain with his own superior cosmo. Shun then hits Dante with the Nebula Chain and knocks the Cerberus saint over the cliff, sending him falling to his death. * That's right, Ikki! That's what hatred is! Those tears are proof that the old Ikki is dead! ** Who: Guilty ** Notes: Ikki's mentor on Death Queen Island years before the series. Guilty had killed Esmeralda in one of his blasts and provokes Ikki with these words. After Ikki drives a fist through him, Guilty is killed in the fight. * You're too late! His mind is about to decay from the power of my Black Phoenix Specter Punch! ** Who: Black Phoenix ** Notes: One of the Black Saints from Death Queen Island. Seemingly defeating Ikki with his Black Phoenix Specter Punch, he gloats this to Andromeda Shun. But Ikki breaks free and defeats him with the Phoenix Wing Ascent and his own Specter Punch destroying his mind and killing him. * Where am I?! ** Who: Jango ** Notes: The Samoan leader of the Black Saints. His Death Queen Inferno is outlasted by Ikki who runs through him with the Phoenix Specter Punch. Jango cries this while seeing himself falling into a sea of fire and being burned alive. Ikki then quips "How's it feel swimming in the oceans of Hell?" then Jango drops dead his mind destroyed. * Thank you, Shiryu... You're the best suited to be the Dragon Saint... Please keep fighting, and live on forever in my stead... ** Who: Ohko ** Notes: Dohko's former pupil who developed a violent temper. After Shiryu defeats him, Ohko bids these words to his former friend and classmate then succumbs to his injuries. * Don't make me laugh! ** Who: Tarantula Arachne ** Notes: The Tarantula Silver Saint looking for the Sagittarius Gold Cloth. During his fight with Seiya, Sho absorbs Arachne's Cosmo to buy Seiya time. Arachne says this and tries to attack again, but Seiya uses a Pegasus Meteor Punch to run the Tarantula Saint through and kill him instantly. * Well, what will happen to Seiya?! ** Who: Canis Major Sirius ** Notes: A German Silver Saint loyal to Pope Ares. When the Sagittarius Cloth joins with Seiya, Sirius says this in awe about how powerful Seiya is becoming. Just then, Seiya unleashes a powerful blast that kills Sirius and his teammates. * Seiya just disappeared! * Impossible! * What's that?! ** Who: Heracles Algethi and Musca Dio ** Notes: Silver Saints from Uganda and Mexico respectively. While preparing to finish Seiya off, the Sagittarius joins up with him causing the two Silver Saints to say these in shock and awe. They are killed along with Sirius by an intense blast. * It's too late. Once that gold arrow hits, it cannot be removed no matter what you do. It can only be pulled out through... the power of the Pope himself! ''(Seiya: Is that true?!)'' But you have little time. ''(laughs madly and weakly)'' The flame clock moves backwards from the Aries symbol until it reaches Pisces. It takes a total of 12 hours for the countdown to finish. You have to get through all the temples and bring the Pope back here to Saori Kido before then, or she will die! The arrow will sink in and pierce her heart... ** Who: Sagitta Ptolemy ** Notes: A Libyan Silver Saint. He distracts the other saints with Phantom Arrows and pierces Saori Kido with a golden arrow. He explains that to save her, they must get the Pope to remove the arrow before the flame clock reaches Pisces and the arrow kills her. Ptolemy then dies of his injuries. * Goodbye, my darling son... ** Who: Natassia ** Notes: Cygnus Hyoga's mother. Years before the series, on the way to meet Mitsumasa Kido, Natassia's ship was sinking. Although Hyoga was evacuated in time, Natassia bade these to her son while the ship sank into the icy depths. === ''[[Samurai Champloo]]'' === * Stay back! Stay ''back''!! ** Who: Shinsuke ** Notes: Was killed by police officers while trying to run. * Now you're mine! ** Who: Ukon ** Notes Ukon is killed by Mugen. * I just want you to live, Mugen. ** Who: Sara ** Notes: Was killed by Mugen * Fuu. I have no right to ask for forgiveness, I don't deserve it. But you should know not a single day has passed when I have not thought of you and your mother. Please forgive me. ** Who: Seizo Kazumi ** Notes: Said to Fuu right before he dies at the hands of Kariya. * You piss me off! ** Who: Umanosuke ** Notes: Umanosuke was killed by Mugen * I cannot believe... You opened yourself up for my attack. ** Who: Kagetoki Kariya ** Notes: Kariya was killed by Jin. === ''[[w:School Days|School Days]]'' === * Se... kai... ** Who: Makoto Itō ** Source: "School Days" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character was stabbed to death by Sekai. * I also wanted to be his girlfriend! That's why I let him do what he wanted and coped with everything! But then... what for!? And why?! ** Who: Sekai Saionji ** Source: "School Days" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character, right before seeing Makoto's head in a bag, had her jugular vein slashed, and was subsequently cut up by Kotonoha. * We're finally alone together, Makoto... ** Who: Kotonoha Katsura ** Source: "School Days" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character was completely alone in her parents' boat with Makoto's head in her arms. It remains unknown if she's found and rescued or stays there and starves to death. === ''[[The Simpsons]]'' === * No, no! Nooooooo! ** Who: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon ** Notes: He gets drowned in a Squishee machine by Homer (with Snake's hair controlling his mind). As it occurred in a "Treehouse of Horror" segment, death is non-canon. * Oh, for cryin' out loud. ** Who: Moe Syzlack ** Notes: He is killed by Homer (with Snake's hair controlling his mind) who removes his heart with a corkscrew. As it occurred in a "Treehouse of Horror" segment, death is non-canon. * Baby, you are going to knock 'em dead. ''[coughs]'' Here, take this for luck. ** Who: [[w:Bleeding Gums Murphy|Bleeding Gums Murphy]] ** Notes: Lisa finds her idol Bleeding Gums Murphy dying in a nearby ward at the hospital. After their first performance of Carole King's "Jazzman", Bleeding Gums gives her advice for her upcoming school recital, lending her his saxophone. After the recital, Lisa returns to the hospital and is devastated when she finds out that Bleeding Gums has died. He later appears in the clouds as a spirit, thanking Lisa for her final tribute before their final performance of "Jazzman". * "Extremely High Voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp- ** Who: Frank Grimes ** Notes: The character is mocking Homer's characteristic buffoonery and failure to use common sense. He then goes too far and grabs an electric cable, getting electrocuted. * Don't think it's sour grapes/But you're all a bunch of apes/And so I must be leaving you! ** Who: Shary Bobbins ** Notes: Sung to the Simpsons before she leaves on her flying umbrella, only to be sucked into a jet turbine and killed, ironically just as Homer says he was sure they'd see her again. * I know, they make you uncomfortable. ** Who: [[w:Maude Flanders|Maude Flanders]] ** Notes: Said to Ned after she says he is going for hot dogs, and he requests "No footlongs". Homer provokes a barrage of t-shirts to be fired at him, and inadvertently moves out of the way as she returns, knocking her off the stadium to her death. (Note: These may not have been her last words as she would have to speak to order the hot dogs, although these were her last words on the series when not in flashbacks or up in heaven). * Aw, is that the best you could do? * You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you back, but you have to do exactly as I-- * Oh, I'm bad at this. ** Who: Groundskeeper Willie ** Notes: As a running gag for a Halloween episode, Willie was killed with an ax to the back in every segment. The first line was said after an insane Homer axed him. The second line was said to a dimension hopping Homer before Maggie axed him. The third line was said after being axed by Seymour Skinner, bemoaning the fact that he had died in every segment where he enacted a rescue. As they occurred in a series of Halloween shorts, none of these deaths are canon. * Don't fire the torpedoes! ** Who: Captain Tenille ** Note: Tenille was inspecting a torpedo tube, and said this line before Homer (as the submarine's acting captain) ordered the torpedoes fired. Tenille was then fired out of the tube and hit an enemy sub, either drowning or dying on impact. * Cool! ** Who: Ozzie Smith ** Note: Smith was falling through "Springfield's Mystery Spot", and said this after seeing a floating "E=Mc Squared" symbol. As he was never seen again (in the series) Smith is presumed to have died. * Touch me and I'll cut your friend. [Grand Pumpkin: What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.] ''[gasps]'' You're a racist! [GP: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.] I'd rather die than hate! ** Who: Nelson ** Note: Also devoured by Grand Pumpkin, after making a threat at the Grand Pumpkin to harm a yellow pumpkin. The Grand Pumpkin doesn't care so, and Nelson yells that his response was a racist remark. Death not canon. * I'm outta here! So long, suckers! ** Who: Springfield Prisoner Notes: Character was about to be executed via the electric chair when a freak gust of wind during a storm ripped the walls down and blew him out of the chair, causing him to say the above line while flying through the air. He then crashes into some wires on a telegraph pole, so ironically, he was electrocuted anyway. * Get off me, you schmuck! Oh... going out on a sight gag... classy. ** Who: [[w:Krusty the Klown|Krusty the Klown]] ** Notes: Said when he sees someone lying on him, only to realize it's his lower torso. As it occurred in a series of short stories, death is not canon. * Tell the world... I died saving you all. ** Who: [[w:Comic Book Guy|Comic Book Guy]] ** Notes: Said as he dies of [[w:asphyxiation|asphyxiation]], after securing a rope for the others to use as a guide out. Amusingly, Homer responds by saying "Don't tell me what to do!" As it occurred in a series of short stories, death is not canon. * Oh, I've wasted my life. ** Who: [[w:Comic Book Guy|Comic Book Guy]] ** Notes: Said before being blown up by a nuclear warhead. As it occurred in a Halloween Special, death is not canon. * Must imitate classic Lorne Greene pose, from ''Battlestar Galactica''! Best... death... ever! ** Who: [[w:Comic Book Guy|Comic Book Guy]] ** Notes: Comic Book Guy was a supervillain in one of the Halloween specials who had planned to drown superheroes Bart and Lisa in a vat of lucite. Instead, he fell inside the vat. As it occurred in a Halloween Special, death is not canon. * Remember me... as a drain on society... ** Who: An attorney * This isn't funny! ** Who: A nun ** Notes: Said as she is swept away in a windstorm, before she explodes in the distance. * Oooh, I smell barbecue! ** Who: [[w:Homer Simpson|Homer]] ** Notes: Said in the non-canonical episode [[w:Simpsons Bible Stories|Simpsons Bible Stories]], before descending into Hell. Afterwards, he realizes that his eternal punishment is to be faced with a banquet full of food that he doesn't like. He has some lines after he arrives in Hell, but at that point is technically dead. * Oh, you STUPID, SON OF A- ** Who: Ned Flanders ** Notes: Ned shoots Homer to prevent him from idiotically pressing a self-destruct button. Homer at first turns around and falls frontwards, then flips backwards, just inches from the self-destruct button. His tongue then hits said button, prompting Ned to say the line. He is interrupted by the bomb, vaporizing Springfield. Death not canon. * I understand... these things take time. Good night. ** Who: [[w:Mona Simpson|Mona Simpson]] ** Notes: Said when Homer refuses to forgive her for abandoning him repeatedly. She leaves the room, and Homer finds that she later died in the night. Was later cremated. * OH, BOY! ** Who: Ralph Wiggum (Laertes) ** Notes: In a parody of Hamlet, Claudius (Moe) Hires Laertes to kill Hamlet (Bart). Moe states that Laertes gets a practice stab. Laertes yells the aforementioned line, than uses said practice stab.... on himself. He dies instantly after stabbing himself. Death is non canon. * No way I'm cleaning up this mess. ** Who: [[w:Marge Simpson|Marge Simpson]] (while acting as Gertrude in Hamlet) ** Notes: THe Hamlet sketch is about to end. There is blood on the floor, a messy table, and the dead bodies of Claudius, Hamlet, Gildenlenny, Rosencarl, and Laertes everywhere. Marge says this before whacking a mace to her head. Death is not canon. * Remember me for my work and not the murdeeeeeeerrrrrrs! ** Who: [[w:Clancy Wiggum|Chief Wiggum]] ** Notes: Chief Wiggum says this after Kang and Kodos pop his hot air balloon. Death not canon. * Go ahead; do it! You're no different from me; we're made from the same "dinnah". ** Who: Bart Simpson ** Notes: Lisa is about to stab Bart for committing mass murder, mainly on Principal Skinner and Elizabeth Hoover. He attempts to hide and takes cover on a crowded playground. The kids eventually disperse, and Lisa faces Bart. He states this line, and Lisa, after stating that they are not the same, throws the knife in the air, only to hit Bart, either instantly killing him or, at the very least, rendering him brain-dead. Edna Krabappel, Bart's teacher, mocks the body, and it is implied with her interaction with Lisa, that Lisa was intending to kill Bart. Since it took place in a "Treehouse of Horror" segment, death is not canon. * Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of- ** Who: Kent Brockman ** Notes: Kent was trying out the new Burger Squared. He is describing the taste of Burger squared, when he suddenly is poisoned and becomes a zombie. Death not canon. * Thats my check cashing arm, you stupid- ** Who: Krusty the Clown ** Notes: Krusty was bitten in the arm by Kent Brockman (see above), which transmits the disease to him. Death not canon. * Come with me if you want to live. ** Who: Rainer Wolfcastle ** Notes: The Simpsons are trying to flee the disaster caused by the tainted meat to get Bart to a safe zone for a vaccination for a disease. Wolfcastle barges in, and says the above line, before being attacked by tainted citizens. Death not canon. * Tell my father... he's... fat... ** Who: Bart Simpson ** Notes: Killed by Sideshow Bob via harpoon to the chest. Since it took place in a "Treehouse of Horror" segment, death is not canon. * As for you, son, if you want to know my honest opinion of you, you've always been.. eh. ** Who: Rabbi Krustofsky ** Notes: He dies after saying this to his son Krusty the Clown. === ''[[w:Slayers|Slayers]]'' === ==== ''Slayers Next'' ==== * How can you be here?! ''(Xelloss: That is a secret.'') Damn you! ** Who: Zazan ** Notes: One of Kanzel's lesser demons, Zazan attempts to take out Lina, but Xelloss uses the Blast Bomb and the Demon's Blood Talismans to kill the lesser demons, then pierces Zazan with his cane. * Wha- What did you say? ** Who: Alfred Saillune ** Notes: Philionel El Di Saillune's younger brother who wanted to steal Saillune, his contract with Kanzel is broken and Mazenda executes him. He dies after saying this. * Impossible! ** Who: Mazenda ** Notes: A mazoku in service to Gaav, during her fight with Gourry, Lina uses the Sword of Light to cut her. After she curses this, Lina reminds her even without magic, she could use the sword, then Mazenda crumbles to dust. * No! Impossible! It cut through the dimensional wall. A mere human has... ** Who: Kanzel ** Notes: A middle-ranking mazoku, serving under Chaos Dragon Gaav, in his demon form, he is cut through via the Ragna Blade by Lina. She then pierces him and vaporizes the mazoku. === ''[[w:Sofia the First|Sofia the First]]'' === * Well, it was fun while it lasted. Bye-bye! ** Bad Sofia ** Disappears for good when Cedric undos the copying spell. * You're just a girl! This cannot be! ** Who: Vor ** Note: Is destroyed and dissolved into nothingness by the magic and brightness of Sofia's pure heart inside the Amulet of Avalor, leaving Prisma in her place, freed from her control. === ''[[Sonic X]]'' === * To destroy Sonic and Dr. Eggman no matter what it takes. ** Who: Scarship ** Note: Said before the ship was destroyed by Sonic and friends. * NOOOO!!! ** Who: Red Pine ** Note: Said when Red Pine was killed in space by Sonic and Shadows battle with each other. === ''[[w:Star vs. the Forces of Evil|Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' === * You think you've won? Ha! You don't make the plans - ''I'' do! ''Me!'' Only I know how this all turns out! ** Who: Toffee ** Note: Is defeated and severely damaged by Star Butterfly, and then crushed with a pillar by Ludo. === ''[[w:Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!|Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]'' === * Master! It was I who resurrected you! It was I who saved you from the void! ** Who: Skull Sorceress (Valeena Shankle) ** Note: Is burned to dust by the evil Skeleton King shortly after restoring him from death. === ''[[w:Sword Art Online|Sword Art Online/Sword Art Online II]]'' === * Please... you have to beat the boss... for everyone here... ** Who: Diavel ** Source: "Beater" [Ep. 2] ** Note: A beta tester who wanted to get the item bonus from Illfang the Kobold Lord, Diabel was fatally struck by Illfang's nodachi. Before dying, he gave these words to Kirito. * Kirito! * Anyway, Kirito. I'm so glad that I met you, and that I could be with you... even for a little while. Thank you. Goodbye. ** Who: Sachi ** Source: "Red-Nosed Reindeer" [Ep. 3] ** Note: The first line was said after she was killed in a fight. The second line was her message after death. * You're a beater! You had no right to be with us! ** Who: Keita ** Source: "Red-Nosed Reindeer" [Ep. 3] ** Note: Said after he managed to commits suicide after learning everyone in his guild had died, except Kirito. * I can't believe this. ** Who: Kobatz ** Source: "The Blue-Eyed Demon" [Ep. 9] ** Note: A lieutenant-colonel in the Aincrad Liberation Force, Kobatz leads his unprepared troops against Gleam Eyes. After being killed by the boss, he curses this as he disintegrates. * Goddamn you... You murdered me... ** Who: Kuradeel ** Source: "Crimson Killing Intent" [Ep. 10] ** Note: Character was killed by Kirito before he could harming Asuna. * AAAHHH! MY HAND!! MY HAND, MY HAND!! ** Who: Oberon ** Source: "Gilded Hero" [Ep. 24] ** Note: Character was Sugō's ALO avatar, after getting his arm chopped off by Kirito after he is lent Kayaba's system administrator status to take Oberon down. Oberon then has his body is cut in half by Kirito, and then dies when his upper half is tossed into the air and gets impaled in his right eye, into the brain, by Kirito's sword. * I'm happy. I'm so happy. You know, this whole time I've thought, if I was born to die, what the heck is the point of me even been born? I never made anything, or give anything to anyone. All I did was waste drugs, and hog that machine... and cause trouble for everyone. If all I get to do with suffer, and disappear in the end, it'd be better to just disappear right now. I used to always think, "Why am I alive? Why'd I sick around for...this long?" But, you know what? After all this time, I think I know why now. I might not have done much, but I'm glad got to live. Because after everything, these last few moments, they're the best ever. I'm surrounded by all my friends, and I got to end my journey...in the arms of someone I love. ** Who: Yūki Konno/Yūki ** Source: "Mother's Rosario" [Ep. 49] ** Note: Character dies at Asuna's arms as she her real-life body succumbs to her AIDS disease. === ''[[Tangled: The Series]]/Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure'' === * No, son! Don’t! ** Who: Quirin ** Source: "Queen For a Day" (Season 1, Ep. 16) ** When Varian tries to get rid of the black rocks by pouring a chemical on them, it only causes amber to sprout up from the rocks and engulf his father Quirin within. When he goes to get help only to be turned down in favor of the deadly blizzard at hand, Varian returns to find Quirin frozen and breaks down, vowing revenge on those who turned their backs on him. Eventually, after a long quest, Rapunzel frees Quirin from the amber with the Moonstone's decaying incantation. * NOOO!!! ** Who: Ms. Sugarby/Sugracha the Eternal ** Source: "Painter’s Block" (Season 1, Ep. 17) ** Note: Is sent back to the dimension within the Demanitus Device after Rapunzel breaks free of her trance and destroys her painting. * Rapunzel! ** Who: Cassandra ** Source: "Plus Est en Vous" (Season 3, Ep. 17) ** Note: Cassandra is killed defeating Zhan Tiri, but Rapunzel revives her with the combined Sundrop and Moonstone. * No! No! No, no! ** Who: Zhan Tiri ** Source: "Plus Est en Vous" (Season 3, Ep. 17) ** Note: Zhan Tiri is obliterated when Rapunzel and Cassandra hold her down, and then Rapunzel cuts her hair. === ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' === * I'LL BE BACK! ** Who: Speed Demon ** Source: "Race with the Demon" [Season 3, Ep. 6] ** Note: A demonic mutant car given life of its own, it possesses an unnamed motorist, then later Donnie. After Donnie is freed, the Speed Demon tries to ram the heroes, but the party wagon rams Speed Demon. As he falls, the car yells this before going up in an explosion. * Please stop! ** Who: Tang Shen ** Source: "Tale of the Yokai" [Season 3, Ep. 20] ** Note: Years before the series, Tang Shen was the wife of Hamato Yoshi. During the Turtles efforts to stay on the correct course of history until they get home, Tang attempts to intervene in the fight between Oroku Saki and Yoshi, but is killed unexpectedly by the traitor to Yoshi's clan. Tang Shen is survived by Hamato who becomes Splinter, and Miya who is adopted as Karai. * Long live the Triceraton Empire. ** Who: Zog ** Source: "Dinosaur Seen in Sewers!" [Season 3, Ep. 24] ** Note: A Triceraton sergeant who was to send a signal to his empire and begin the purging of the Kraang on Earth. After a hard fight with the Turtles, he clings to the Statue of Liberty as Raphael tries to save him. But Zog says this and drops himself presumably to his death. * We are doomed! ** Who: Bebop/Anton Zeck * Hold me close, comrade. ** Who: Rocksteady/Ivan Steranko ** Source: "Annihilation: Earth! Part 2" [Season 3, Ep. 26] ** Notes: A pig and rhino mutant pair in crime. Whence the Triceraton's Heart of Darkness black hole device activates, the former says the first word as Earth is about to die. The latter says the second while embracing Bebop just as they are the first victims sucked into the black hole, finally killing them. * And now you die. ** Who: Oroku Saki/Shredder/Super Shredder ** Source: "Owari" [Season 4, Ep. 26] ** Notes: The leader of the Foot Clan, Oroku Saki now the Super Shredder says this as he prepares to finish Leonardo. But Splinter's spirit saves Leonardo at the last seconds and the turtle uses his katana to cut down Super Shredder. The blood on the sword confirms his death. * Hey yoooooooo.....! ** Who: The Hammer ** Source: "Heart of Evil" [Season 5, Ep. 3] ** Notes: One of Don Vizioso's top goons. When Kavaxas comes to steal the Heart of the Shredder, Hammer tries to fend him off with his battle mech, but meets with ineffective results. Kavaxas rips him out of his armor and steals his soul, while Hammer cries his catchphrase before collapsing dead. === ''[[The Fairly OddParents]]'' === * NOOOOO! ** Who: The Destructionator ** Source: Wishology ** Note: Said before Timmy Turner the chosen one blew him up. === ''[[w:The Lion Guard|The Lion Guard]]'' === * Stop! You can't destroy him! ** Who: Ushari ** Source: Battle for the Pride Lands ** Note: Shouted after Kion summons the Great Kings of the Past to judge Scar, sending down rain that vanquishes the spirit of Scar. Wanting to avenge Scar, Ushari attempts to bite Kion, but is knocked aside by Bunga. They fall, leaving Ono to pull Bunga to safety, while Ushari falls to a fiery demise in lava. * Rani. You have everything you need to be queen. And you won't be alone. The Night Pride will stand besides you. And Makini, your Royal Mjuzi, will help guide you. ''(Rani: "I'll do my best.")'' ''[weakly]'' I know...you will... ** Who: Queen Janna ** Source: Long Live the Queen ** Note: Said as preparing for her granddaughter, Rani to take her role as Queen of the Tree of Life, as well as seeing the Night Pride for the last time. She passes away from illness, and Nirmala becomes the Tree's healer. Rani eventually becomes queen and marries Kion. === ''[[w:Tokyo Ghoul|Tokyo Ghoul/Tokyo Ghoul √A]]'' === * How... could... this... ** Who: Rize Kamishiro ** Source: "Tragedy" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Said when she was hit by the multiple steel beam. * You're a ghoul... right? What's the matter? Are you all right? My name's Kazuo. It's been a long time for me, so I can't share too much with you, but here, eat- ** Who: Kazuo Yoshida ** Source: "Tragedy" [Ep. 1] ** Note: Character, who was about to give Kaneki some human food, was killed by Nishio. * Honey... ** Who: Ryōko Fueguchi ** Source: "Captivity" [Ep. 7] ** Note: Said when she was killed by Mado. * Actually, I was hoping to draw desk work. That way is easier and safer. But then, looking at him, I start getting charged up, as well... Maybe I will try harder as work. ** Who: Ippei Kusaba ** Source: "Captivity" [Ep. 7] ** Note: Character was killed by the Rabbit aka. Tōka Kirishima. * That's gone and done it... Like it's even worth it for your kind to live... Don't make me laugh... I'm not through yet. I have to get back at your kind... Not until I get him... the one-eyed... and bury him myself... I can't... die yet... ** Who: Kureo Mado ** Source: "Circular" [Ep. 8] ** Note: Said when he was dying at the wounds he sustain from Tōka and Hinami's attacks. * Go, eat... ** Who: Rize Kamishiro ** Source: "Ghoul" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Said when Kaneki manages to eat her in his mind. * N-N-Nine hundred... ninety-three... N-Nine hundred... eighty... six... Nine hundred... seventy... nine... Nine hundred seventy-two... Nine hundred sixty... five... ** Who: Yakumo Ōmori ** Source: "Ghoul" [Ep. 12] ** Note: Character was a deranged executive at Aogiri. He was killed off-screen by a newly evolved Kaneki. * Kurona... Leave me... and run... ** Who: Yashiro Yasuhisa ** Source: "Rift" [Ep. 17] ** Note: Said when she was heavily injured from attacks by Jūzō, as she was remains unknown if she was alive or not. * Mr. Hōji... will not be beaten by the likes of you! ** Who: Seidō Takizawa ** Source: "Deluge of Flowers" [Ep. 23] ** Note: Said when he was taken down off-screen by Tatara. * Let's go home. ** Who: Hideyoshi Nagachika ** Source: "Ken" [Ep. 24] ** Note: Character was a best friend for Kaneki. He was revealed to be mortally wounded, and dies peacefully at Kaneki's eyes. * Let's go home, Hide. * Come on, let's go. ** Who: Ken Kaneki ** Source: "Ken" [Ep. 24] ** Note: Said before he carries a now dead Hide's body, then his apparent suicide against Arima. The first line was in a Japanese language, and the second line was the English language. * Look at that... you too... took a life with ease. Exams are almost here... and I've studied hard. ** Who: Uruka Minami ** Source: Tokyo Ghoul - JACK ** Note: Character was a Lantern Ghoul. She was killed by Taishi after being wounded by Arima. === ''Total Drama'' === * I'm not going anywhere, this game is mine, eh. MIIIIIINE! ** Who: Ezekiel ** Note: He cost his team the challenge by accidentally letting an alligator eat the stick their team was supposed to hold on to. After his elimination, he became a stowaway aboard the Total Drama Jumbo Jet, making various cameo appearances around the inside of the plane throughout the rest of the season. * Oh, you wanna hear something really fun? They wanted me to host the show! You only got the job because I said no, and- ** Who: Blanieley ** Note: She is voted off along with Courtney due to the show's budget problems. Later, she is introduced as a guest in Hawaiian Style, and is now wrapped from head-to-toe in bandages and supported on a dolly. Geoff reveals in a video that after taking the Drop of Shame, Blaineley failed to pull her parachute and crashed into a Chinese hut, resulting in her current condition. She is also forced to compete in the challenge, with Owen being the only person to have pity and volunteer to help her. Owen uses her as a surfboard but ends up sending her flying into the ocean. Bruno, the bear Bridgette befriended in Siberia, rescues her by carrying her in his jaws to shore and is seen gnawing on a terrified Blaineley's head. In Hawaiian Punch, Blaineley is still wrapped in bandages and supported on a dolly. At the end of the episode, after the volcano erupts, she is seen rolling down the volcano behind the other contestants, as well as running over Alejandro. * Wait for me! ** Who: Alejandro ** Note: In Heather's ending, he is shown at the very bottom of the volcano and, after being confused about what is happening. After being run over by the cast, Alejandro is completely covered in lava flowing down the mountain. He later recovers in Total Drama All-Stars. * Hey! Where's my prize money? I demand to get what's coming to me! ** Who: Alejandro ** Note: In Alejandro's ending, Heather threw his dummy in the volcano rather than her own by accident, causing him to win the final challenge. Alejandro runs back up the volcano path after hearing he has won and, after demanding to get what he deserves. He is later on trampled by the cast and engulfed by the lava from the volcano, leaving him severely burned. He later recovers in Total Drama All-Stars. * No! ** Who: Alejandro ** Note: Alejandro was severely injured and burned from the disastrous finale and he has to be placed inside the Drama Machine in order to survive. After the treatment is complete, Alejandro asks Chris about the fate of the money, to which Chris informs him of its fiery demise. He later recovers in Total Drama All-Stars. * WOOOOAAAHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! ** Who: Scott ** Note: When Cameron and Zoey voted Scott off in retaliation for being a jerk and causing so many eliminations, Chris gets payback on Scott by making him ride the Hurl of Shame with Fang. He was put inside the Trauma Chair after being mauled by Fang from his elimination until he recovers in Total Drama All-Stars. * No! No! It's my time! Mine! ** Who: Mal ** Note: When Mike tries to drown Zoey, Mal is pulled back into Mike's mind and meets up with Mike. He is surprised to find that his tower is completely gone, courtesy of Mike and the other personalities pressing the reset button, thus eliminating them. Mal charges at Mike, but is blocked effortlessly. As he fades from existence, he begs Mike not to die, as "no one will ever cross him with him in charge." Mike simply states that he doesn't need him anymore and walks away. === ''[[Trigun]]'' === * I'm not ready yet! There's still so much left to be done. I want to stay with them! I don't want to die! ** Who: Wolfwood Nicholoas ** Notes: He died when a Legato-controlled Chapel killed him. * You're faith in humanity is hopelessly obstinate... to actually believe the prattlings of a woman who speaks in idealistic terms that are worthless. I guess that kind of thinking is reasonable for someone who has lived for more than a century. But that.. that way of life is pathetic, even comical. Rem Saverem, hmph, a waste of existence who only spoke in aggravating logic. A worthless human being, just like me.. but unlike you. ** Who: Legato Bluesummers ** Notes: He got killed by Vash. * You're a superior being! ** Who: Knives ** Notes: Knives' death is unknown (if she was killed by Vash during a stampede or not). === ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' === * If you're watching this now, ignore my dashing good looks. And heed this warning -- ** Who: Captain Tim ** Notes: Was eaten alive by a savage alien creature on his own spaceship; Wander then finds the alien and names it after the captain when it spits out his ID necklace, all that remains of him. * Recommendation: Do not dominate. ** Who: Probe 42 ** Notes: Dominator punishes it for refusing to dominate a planet for its Volcanium X and kicks it off the ship, causing it to fall through space, catching on fire until it disintegrates completely. * I...am...Beep-Boop. ** Who: Probe 13 (aka Beep-Boop) ** Note: Was sent to a planet to detect its Volcanium X, but the time it spent with Wander caused it to have a change of heart and deletes the information, angering Dominator to the point she kicks it off the ship, causing it to suffer the same fate as Probe 42. Sylvia then sees it falling and mistakes it for a shooting star, and Wander wishes it luck before showing all that remains of it is the picture they took, floating somewhere in space. === ''[[Winx Club]]'' === * No! This can't be happening! (Such power! It's not possible! in the 4Kids dub) No! No! Nooooo! ** Who: Lord Darkar ** Notes: Was destroyed by the Winx with Charmix Convergence *NO, DADDY! **Who: Stella **Notes: She uses up all her energy and nearly dies when trying to protect her father, King Radius, from a dragon. Because she rescued someone from her home world and showed great sacrifice for such, she is immediately restored back to full health and earns her Enchantix. *Miele, why didn't you go back home? ('''Miele:''' I wanted to see what would happen.) I love you, my little blossom. ('''Miele:''' Flora?) Bubble, bring her up! ('''Miele:''' FLORA, NOOOOOO!!!!!) **Who: Flora **Notes: Dives into the poisoned Water Stairway to save her sister Miele, and gets trapped in some kelp at the bottom and nearly drowns. The Black Willow then cries a single tear, which restores the Water Stairway and revives its time-reversing powers, which heals Flora just in time and she earns her Enchantix due to the sacrifice she shown to save her sister. *Fairy dust, close the portal! **Who: Tecna **Note: Sacrifices herself by stepping inside the collapsing Omega Portal, earning her Enchantix so she can use her fairy dust to close it, but is sucked inside among with it and seemingly does not make it due to the Omega Dimension's cold temperature. She is eventually found alive and well and is able to survive thanks to her new powers. * All right, then. I gave you one last chance. And now I'm going to destroy you! ** Who: Valtor ** Notes: Was destroyed when Bloom extinguished his dragon flame with fairy dust * I'll give you whatever you want! I can make all your wishes come true! I'm a powerful wizard and... ** Who: Duman ** Notes: Was trapped in a magic sphere and destroyed by Nabu * I love you. ** Who: Nabu ** Notes: Uses up all his energy to destroy the abyss that would have killed all the Earth fairies, dying in Aisha's arms. Aisha then summons the Black Gift to revive him, but Ogron steals it and wastes it on a wilting flower. * Looks like there's no way out. It's over. It's a dead end, Ogron. (Gantlos) / Let's surrender, Ogron! (Anagan) / Never! (Ogron) ** Who: Ogron, Anagan, and Gantlos ** Notes: Were frozen by the Winx, Roxy, and Nebula with Convergence and fell into a chasm to their presumed deaths. * Keep back, monsters! Ah..ah...ah...ah...AAAAGH!!! ** Who: Kalshara ** Notes: Is cornered by the animals of the Magix Underground World for her actions and falls down a pit through a portal to her death. * No! What do you want with my mother? The queen doesn't talk to witches, because you ''are'' a witch! I see it! ** Who: Sapphire ** Notes: Is turned into a fox cub by the shaman witch, causing Icy to become the witch she is today. * This is all your fault, witches! You will regret it! ** Who: Valtor (again) ** Notes: Destroyed for real by the Winx's combined Cosmix powers. === ''X-Men'' === * My lord, forgive me. I no longer have a vessel for your return. ''(Apocalyse: But you HAVE provided me with a vessel, Cortez!)'' I don't understand, my lord. ** Who: Fabian Cortez ** Source: The Fifth Horseman ** Note: The former Brotherhood Acolyte who turned to serving Apocalypse. He says this believing he failed in his purpose of sacrificing Jubilee so Apocalypse can return. But Apocalypse decides to compensate and steal Cortez's body, trapping his soul in the Astral Plain for all eternity thus allowing Apocalypse to finally return. === ''Xiaolin Chronicles'' === * Noooooooo! ** Who: Dragon Chase Young ** Notes: Was killed by the cosmic dragon after he thought that he defeated his enemy. === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' === * That won't work now. Last time you summoned Master of Dragon Soldier. (Nesbitt) / Well... d... don't look at me! (Johnson) / We've been stuck in this virtual abyss for what seems like forever! (Crump) / You can save us. Give us those bodies and we'll help you take over Kaiba Corp! (Gansley) / Leave for good? Please reconsider, sir! (Lector) ** Who: Big Five ** Notes: After being defeated by Yugi and Joey, they were imprisoned in a different corner of the virtual world by Noah, and remained there until Noah destroyed the virtual world with a missile. * I'm going to free your mind and make sure you never harm anyone again. ** Who: Noah ** Notes: Sacrificed his life to stop Gozaburo and was destroyed along with the virtual world by a missile * What? Nooooooo! ** Who: Gozaburo ** Motes: Was trapped in the virtual world by Noah and destroyed by a missile, though he temporarily survived as part of the explosion before disappearing for good * If you do this to me, you'll be sorry! You'll need me! (Marik Ishtar: Begone! I surrender this duel to the pharaoh!) Noooooo! ** Who: Yami Marik ** Notes: He was destroyed when Marik surrendered the duel to Yami * No! I shall take you with me! ** Who: Yami Bakura/Zorc ** Notes: He was destroyed by the Creator of Light * Right! ** Who: Yami Yugi/Atem ** Notes: Response to Joey stating that Yami will be stating in their hearts after he leaves. === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh! GX]]'' === "Yuki Judai. Though I indeed last to your cards, my soul itself is another matter. But, in any case. I have been defeated, but my true form is the darkness. I can easily be revived in this world!" ** Who: Nightshroud ** Notes: Nightshroud has been destory by elemental legendary hero neos who use up of powerfull by jaden as they finally won a duel === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's]]'' === === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal]]'' === === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh! Arc-V]]'' === "You shouldn't be here!" ** Who: Yuto ** Note: When he saw Zuzu enter a warehouse that Sylvio and his slackers hang out he said this and went inside following Zuzu and dueled Sylvio in her place much to her changrin. "When ever Kite and Shay used to Duel each other and all the kids in our school would call them heroes (Allan: How do you know that, you weren't even there) I know because Yuto's spirit is a part of me.(Gong: Say What?!)(Sylvio: That sounds nice and creepy)" ** Who: Yuya Sakaki ** Note: Shay was dueling Kite and was trying to convince him to team up with them to take down Duel Academy and Yuto accidentally took control over Yuya and said this not knowing he is speaking through Yuya and prompt them to come upfront about Yuto. === ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh! Vrains]]'' === === ''[[YuYu Hakusho]]'' === * Good, then I won't feel so bad when I carve out your heart. ** Who: Kuroda ** Notes: A contract killer participating in Genkai's tournament. On the first match, before his match with Kazemaru, he says this in pride, confident of his chances. After a short fight, Kuroda is assumed to be vaporized by the Spirit Cannon. * Chinpo the wanderer. Nice to meet you all. ** Who: Chinpo ** Notes: A martial artist who joined Genkai's tournament. This is his only known word. In his fight with Shorin (who is actually Rando in disguise), it is likely he does not survive. * You can't do this! Give it back to me! Give it back!! ** Who: Genbu ** Notes: Said when he realized Kurama held the stone that was essentially his core. Kurama destroys it, killing him. * Seiryu, why? ** Who: Byakko ** Notes: He was frozen and shattered by his comrade, Seiryu. * That's impossible. I shall give one final blow. ** Who: Seiryu ** Notes: Said to Hiei after realizing his Ice Attacks didn't work on him. Before he can attack, he shatters and explodes, having been previously wounded by Hiei. * I was wrong about you once again, Yusuke. It wasn't because you weren't human that I lost. I lost because you were. Feelings are your power. Touche, human. At last, I understand. ** Who: Suzaku ** Notes: Said to Yusuke, who had sacrificed his spirit energy to defeat him. * Street bum... Street bum... ** Who: Tarukane ** Notes: Character lost all his money betting against Yusuke defeating his guards, and lost Yukina, whose tears produced valuable jewels. The leader of the demons he hired, Toguro, who had intentionally feigned losing as part of Sakyo's plan, kills Tarukane under Sakyo's orders as he says this repeatedly in shock over his losses. * You believe in mercy, don't you?! ** Who: Roto ** Notes: Character had threatened to have Kurama's mother killed if he fought back, but Kurama planted the seed of the Death Plant in him, and managed to prevent him from pushing the button to order his mother's death. Realizing he is going to die, Roto asks this question, and Kurama says that he does not, before causing the plant to sprout, killing him. * Black flames, but they're... from the deepest pit of the Spirit World! Oh, help me! ** Who: Zeru ** Notes: Seeing how Hiei survived his attack, Zeru sees Hiei's black flames and quotes this. Then, Hiei burns Zeru alive with the Dragon of the Darkness Flame technique. * Cheating the Demon World... Penalty One Death! ** Who: Rugby ** Notes: A member of the Spirit Warriors team set to fight Toguro, Rugby attempts to assassinate Yusuke, but is killed with an axe to his back by his leader Topaz. * But I was supposed to kill Yusuke! ** Who: Topaz ** Notes: Leading the Spirit Warriors team against Team Toguro, Topaz had hoped to kill Yusuke, but Toguro reminds him that he will be the one to defeat Yusuke then punches Topaz with enough power to split him in half. * Your entire power trapped inside your body... Even as I fade, the effect will live on... I've secured victory for my shinobi sect, and so I die knowing it is not in vain... ** Who: Gama ** Notes: Dying of his injuries, Gama had stained Kurama's body with the Makeup of the Seal using his own blood. He then gloats this to Kurama, then finally dies of blood loss. * The wonder couple! Just the two people I wanted to see! Thanks to my plan, our mutual enemy's screwed and I'm about to be filthy rich! ** Who: Butajiri ** Notes: Character owned Team Masho, and bribed the Tournament Committee on several occasions to rule against Yusuke's team to lessen their chances of victory. He says this line when Sakyo and Toguro approach him. Sakyo responds that Yusuke did not kill Tarukane- Toguro did- before having Toguro kill him. * Gotcha'! ** Who: Makintaro ** Notes: A demon for Team Uraotogi with the ability to use the Axe Blade Fist, Makintaro fights Hiei in the first semi-final match. Seemingly slicing through Hiei, he says this, but Hiei appears on top of Makintaro and says "Your eyes are rather slow. Too bad." then pierces his sword through the demon's head, killing him instantly. * Hah! Don't hold back on me because something's offensive. I'm no snob! I was planning on a vulgar move myself! ** Who: Kuro Momotaro ** Notes: A demon for Team Uraotogi with the ability to shift between three armors. After Hiei points out how his attack devoid of taste and artistry, Kuro replies this determined to show his own offensive move to finish Hiei. He bites him with his Wolf Armor's teeth, but it's ineffective, allowing Hiei to use the Sword of the Darkness Flame to cut through and burn Kuro Momotaro to ashes. * Okay, I'll tell you everything! It's Onji; him and Shishiwakamaru! They came to us and they said they'd give us anything if we fought! I'm not even Ura Urashima! We were all together, Makintaro, Kuro, and me! They came to us and they gave us special items and said we could all be high-class like yours! ''(a sword is thrown at Ura Urashima)'' And that's not all! I can tell you who really gave us all the items! ** Who: Ura Urashima ** Notes: A demon masquerading as a little human for Team Uraotogi. Losing to Kurama, he informs him that Onji got their team together and would give them powerful items if they fought. Just as Ura urashima is about to reveal who gave the team the items, Shishiwakamaru throws his sword and cuts through the demon's neck, reverting him to his true form upon death. * Please! I give up! ** Who: Midorenjya ** Notes: In the semi-finals between Team Toguro vs. Team Gorenja, Midorenja is the first to fight. After getting his arms blown off, he tries to submit, but Karasu blows him to pieces. * Too late, Bui! ** Who: Kirenjya ** Notes: In the semi-finals between Team Toguro vs. Team Gorenja, Kirenja would fight Bui. He uses a large sword thinking Bui's axe would be too large to swing. As Kirenja charges forward saying this, Bui uses his axe to easily dismember Kirenja. * Gorenja Battalion! ** Who: Momorenjya ** Notes: In the semi-finals between Team Toguro vs. Team Gorenja, it was Momorenjya, Aorenjya and Akarenjya vs. Elder Toguro. At first, Momorenjya seems to be doing well with her teammates shouting the team's trademark move. But the Elder Toguro extended blades out of his body, killing Momorenjya easily. He then says "Unfortunately for you, I'm well equipped for fighting the larger groups." * He's only speaking for himself! Spare my life, I'll do anything that you ask! ** Who: Aorenjya ** Notes: In the semi-finals between Team Toguro vs. Team Gorenja, it was Momorenjya, Aorenjya and Akarenjya vs. Elder Toguro. With the defeat of Team Gorenja certain, Aorenjya tries to plead for mercy and the Elder Toguro impales his fingers through his face, killing Aorenjya. * Don't be a fool! You have no choice but to kill us. If not, we'll just get stronger, until one day we kill you instead! ** Who: Akarenjya ** Notes: In the semi-finals between Team Toguro vs. Team Gorenja, it was Momorenjya, Aorenjya and Akarenjya vs. Elder Toguro. With the defeat of Team Gorenja certain, Akarenjya vowed to get stronger and kill the Elder Toguro if he failed himself. After Aorenjya is killed, the Elder Toguro tells of how the Younger Toguro would spare his opponents Karasu and Bui, and made them join his gang. But the Elder Toguro then breaks his promise of sparing his opponent by piercing one of his fingers into Akarenjya's head, finally killing him and ending the semi-final match in Team Toguro's victory. * No human... is ever a one-man show. Every decision that you make... will affect the countless people around you. Do... you understand? You can't be... a cocky kid anymore. You... have... to... ** Who: Genkai ** Notes: Character is mortally wounded by her former teammate Toguro, and she tells Yusuke that while Toguro abandoned his friends to gain power and immortality, he must not make the same mistake. She dies of her injuries, but is brought back to life after the Dark Tournament. * It can't be. Where did he find the strength to do this? ** Who: Karasu ** Notes: Karasu was tricked by Kurama's rose powerful enough to suck him up into the stomach as he fell and died. * Finish... The first time Toguro beat me, he told me I had the potential to get stronger... He was right, it took someone like him to show me how weak I was... He kept me at his side while I trained hard to kill him, and I know I reached my maxed... But, every time I would get stronger, so would he. I'm sure it was just bait to keep me improving. ''(Juri: Four!)'' Now you've beaten me. What's the point? Come on, hurry up and kill me... ** Who: Bui ** Notes: Having been blown out of the ring, as Juri begins her countdown, Bui tells of his lack of strength to kill Toguro to Hiei. He then pleads with his conqueror to finish him off. But Hiei reminds him to kill himself. Whether Bui survives is unknown. * I killed Genkai but one remained, and now that surviving piece can at last be put to rest. Thank you again Yusuke Urameshi. This was the first time I could use my absolute strength, and you answered. It was the only way it could end. * No, Genkai, but it would have been a beautiful life. ** Who: Toguro (younger) ** Note: The first quote is the character last living words. The second quote are his last words before entering a self-imposed 10,000 years of limbo, the worst punishment in the spirit world. He was referring to the life he would have had with Genkai if he hadn't become a demon. * Yes, you've been keeping your informants busy, and somewhere along the line, you learned of my humble aspiration to dissolve the barrier between worlds. Let demons of every size cross to the human side, annul the careful order your kind as enforced. I find life would be better that way, and I know that one day it will be so. But fortunately for you, I'm an egomaniac and won't let my work go on without me. This bomb is linked to my lab and will destroy all the progress I've made. ** Who: Sakyo ** Notes: Knowing he's lost the Dark Tournament, Sakyo sets the arena to self-destruct. He then gives this speech to Koenma about how he intended to make a portal between the human and demon worlds. He then accepts his fate to die with his work and gives Shizuru his lighter before dying in the explosion. * Yurameshi, you are the justice I could never find. Great changes will come through you. Some day when you are lieing in my position you will know a dieing man's need for closure. But until then, thank you. ** Who: Shinobu Sensui * A true swordsman can never lose twice. This is the only way, the honorable way. ** Who: Shigure ** Note: His last spoken words before throwing himself to his death were "I must admit, these are some of the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen. Cherish them." His last words were thought. === ''Zoids'' === * I just don't understand. What is wrong? I am the emperor ruling the world. And this is still not enough. WHY?! * How this cannot be? Why, why, WHY?! ** Who: Prozen ** Note: The first Prozen died in an explosion. Hiltz killed the 2nd clone. * Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! ** Who: Hilt ** Note: Hiltz was killed by Blade Liger. == See also == {{fictional last words}} [[Category:Fictional last words|Animated television]] 3cz39c0dqlpgj02ngzorj3cdmx4yend 0 91035 3155606 3149067 2022-08-17T16:53:50Z Salvabl 1665490 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Flag of Spain.svg|thumb|Wee may say of him, as of the Spaniard, Hee is a bad Servant, but a worse Maister. ~ [[Thomas Adams]]]] [[File:Mallorca Schweinebucht - panoramio.jpg|thumb|Sunny Spain, land of mañana, where nothing was done today that could be put off till tomorrow! ~ [[Alvah Bessie]]]] [[File:Escudo de España (mazonado).svg|thumb|The genius of the Spanish people is exquisitely subtle, without being at all acute; hence there is so much humour and so little wit in their literature. ~ [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge|Samuel T. Coleridge]]]] [[File:Ayuntamiento de Valencia, España, 2014-06-30, DD 121.JPG|thumb|Ayuntamiento de Valencia, España]] [[File:Valencia329.JPG|thumb|I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back... ~ [[Francisco Franco]]]] [[File:El rey Juan Carlos I en la Pascua Militar de 2009.jpg|thumb|Spain is nobody's child. ~ Stanton Griffis]] [[File:Donostia Igeldotik.jpg|thumb|Fair land of chivalry, the old domain... Land of the vine and olive, lovely Spain! ~ [[Felicia Hemans]]]] [[File:Rascacielos_de_Madrid_desde_el_CBA_01.jpg|thumb|All the Spaniards behaved like a single man of honour. I approached this issue in a wrong way. The immorality seemed too obvious, the unfairness too cinic, and all this quite bad, because I have fallen. ~ [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]]] [[File:La Passionara.jpg|thumb|They gave up everything, their homes, their country, home and fortune- fathers, mothers, wives, brothers, sisters and children, and they came and told us: "We are here, your cause, Spain's cause, is ours." ~ Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez]] [[File:Flag-map of Spain (1785-1873, 1874-1931).svg|thumb|Spanish is most important to an American. Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so. Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]]]] [[File:Ministerio del Aire (Madrid) 02.jpg|thumb|Spanish Air and Space Force headquarters in Madrid]] '''[[w:Spain|Spain]]''', officially the '''Kingdom of Spain''' (''Reino de España''), } is a {{w|transcontinental country}} mostly located in [[Europe]]. Its continental European territory is situated on the {{w|Iberian Peninsula}}. Its territory also includes two archipelagoes: the {{w|Canary Islands}} off the coast of [[Africa]], and the {{w|Balearic Islands}} in the {{w|Mediterranean Sea}}. The African enclaves of {{w|Ceuta}}, {{w|Melilla}}, and {{w|Peñón de Vélez de la Gomera}} make Spain the only European country to have a physical border with an African country ({{w|Morocco}}). [[w:plazas de soberanía|Several small islands]] in the {{w|Alboran Sea}} are also part of Spanish territory. [[w:Peninsular Spain|The country's mainland]] is bordered to the south and east by the Mediterranean Sea except for a small land boundary with {{w|Gibraltar}}; to the north and northeast by [[France]], {{w|Andorra}}, and the {{w|Bay of Biscay}}; and to the west and northwest by [[Portugal]] and the {{w|Atlantic Ocean}}. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == Quotes == ===A=== * '''Wee may say of him, as of the Spaniard, Hee is a bad Servant, but a worse Maister.''' ** [[Thomas Adams]], ''The Sacrifice of Thankefulnesse'' (London: C. Knight, 1616) p. 6. ===B=== * '''The French are wiser than they seem, and the Spaniards seem wiser than they are.''' ** [[Francis Bacon]], "Of Seeming Wise", in ''Essays'' (1625); Brian Vickers (ed.) ''The Major Works'' (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2002) p. 389. * And towering above each town, generally built on a height commanding it, stood the church, its finger pointed to heaven, its masonry rich and heavy, permanent and menacing, a constant reminder of the domination of the Church down all the ages. For although these deeply Catholic people had been burning their churches for centuries, the Church and its allies had always reasserted their power over the people, and this power was in dispute again to the endless hills, carved from root to summit with stone-shored terraces to hold the olives and the vine fields, quiet evidence of thousands upon thousands of grinding hours of man and woman labor. '''Sunny Spain, land of mañana, where nothing was done today that could be put off till tomorrow!''' ** [[Alvah Bessie]], ''Men in Battle: A Story of Americans in Spain'' (1939), p. 41 * The Spaniard is inherently nationalistic; but no more so than other national groups. Most people, trained from birth to distrust the foreigner, are nationalistic. ** [[Alvah Bessie]], ''Men in Battle: A Story of American in Spain'' (1939), p. 153 * There was always, therefore, a certain amount of friction between the Americans and the Spanish, which would seem to be a paradox when you consider that these Americans had abandoned everything in life to come to the assistance of the Spanish people. But a small, persisting snobbism on the part of the Americans, and a residue of distrust on the part of the Spanish (few clearly understood the issues at stake), contributed to the persistence of this friction. (Franco's propaganda also helped.) ** [[Alvah Bessie]], ''Men in Battle: A Story of American in Spain'' (1939), p. 154 * [[Miguel de Cervantes|Cervantes]] smil'd Spain's chivalry away. ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'', canto xiii (1823), stanza 11. *The institutions that had flourished under the Moslem, died when the Moslem departed; and after four centuries of light and learning, Andalusia (Muslim Spain) fell back, under the Christian rule, into a condition of ignorance and barbarism, nearly, if not quite, equal to that of the north western provinces of the peninsula. **Ulick Burke, [https://www.amazon.com/Burkes-History-Spain-original-Edinburgh/dp/B01AGVT4WW History of Spain]. p: 288 ===C=== * The genius of the Spanish people is exquisitely subtle, without being at all acute; hence there is so much humour and so little wit in their literature. ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], speaking on [[April 23]], [[1832]]; Henry Nelson Coleridge (ed.) ''Specimens of the Table Talk of Samuel Taylor Coleridge'' (Edinburgh: John Grant, 1905) p. 171. * In Mexico the gods ruled, the priests interpreted and interposed, and the people obeyed. In Spain, the priests ruled, the king interpreted and interposed, and the gods obeyed. A nuance in an ideological difference is a wide chasm. ** [[w:Richard Condon|Richard Condon]] ''A Talent for Loving'' (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1961) p. 5 ===F=== * '''Spaniards!'''<br>'''To all of you who feel holy love for Spain, to all of you who in the ranks of the army and the navy have sworn to serve the fatherland, to those of you who swore to defend it from its enemies with your lives, the nation calls you to defend it.''' ** [[Francisco Franco]], on 18 July 1936 in his radio speech at the beginning of the [[Spanish Civil War]], declaring his and his soldiers' support for the Nationalist cause from the Canary Islands, from which they would soon depart to invade mainland Spain. As quoted by Jon Cowans (editor) in ''Modern Spain: A Documentary History'' (Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 2003), p. 177. * '''I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices.''' ** [[Francisco Franco]] in 1940, as he received the Laureate Cross, Spain's highest military honour. As quoted by Jon Cowans (editor) in ''Modern Spain: A Documentary History'' (2003). Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, p. 211-214. ===G=== * 8. Spain is willing to fight, willing to send troops beyond the Pyrenees, anxious to make a bilateral agreement with the United States if properly armed, and/or would even reluctantly consent to join NATO, despite her old suspicions of England and France, but she must have arms.<br>9. As the longtime enemy of everything communistic, neither the Spanish government nor its people are able to understand the discrimination against them so far as American aid, either economic or military, is concerned...<br>11. '''Spain is nobody's child.''' ** Stanton Griffis, United States Ambassador to Spain (1951-1952), in a dispatch to Dean Acheson, United States Secretary of State (1949-1953). As quoted by Jon Cowans (editor) in ''Modern Spain: A Documentary History'' (Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 2003), p. 231 * '''They gave up everything, their homes, their country, home and fortune- fathers, mothers, wives, brothers, sisters and children, and they came and told us: "We are here, your cause, Spain's cause, is ours.''' It is the cause of all advanced and progressive mankind." Today they are going away. Many of them thousands of them, are staying here with the Spanish earth for their shroud, and all Spaniards remember them with the deepest feeling. ** Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez, popularly known as "La Pasionara", in a speech in Barcelona on 15 November 1938, as quoted by Hugh Thomas in ''The Spanish Civil War'' (1961), p. 558 ===H=== * '''Fair land! of chivalry, the old domain,'''<br>'''Land of the vine and olive, lovely Spain!'''<br>Though not for thee with classic shores to vie<br>In charms that fix th' enthusiast's pensive eye;<br>Yet hast thou scenes of beauty richly fraught<br>With all that wakes the glow of lofty thought. ** [[Felicia Hemans]], ''Abencerrage'', Canto II, line 1, reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 740. * [[José Ortega y Gasset|Ortega y Gasset]] is of the opinion that the inability of a country to produce a genuine mass movement indicates some [[w: Ethnology|ethnological]] defect. He says of his own Spain that its "ethnological intelligence has always been an atrophied function and has never had a normal development." ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'' (1951) Ch.18 Good and Bad Mass Movements, §125 citing Ortega y Gasset's ''The Modern Theme'' (1931) ===J=== *With respect to modern languages, French, as I have before observed, is indispensible. Next to this the Spanish is most important to an American. Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so. Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish. **[[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/spanish-language Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph] (6 July 1787). ===M=== *The [[European Union]] and many of its countries, which used to take initiatives in the [[United Nations]] for [[Conflict resolution|peaceful settlements of conflict]], are now one of the most important war assets of the [[NATO|U.S./NATO front]]. Many countries have also been drawn into complicity in breaking [[international law]] through [[w:Category:Wars involving NATO|U.S./U.K./NATO wars]] in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, and so on. **[[Mairead Maguire]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2014/10/14/disturbing-expansion-military-industrial-complex '''''The Disturbing Expansion of the Military-Industrial Complex''', Common Dreams'',] (14 October 2014) ===V=== * ''En dos edades vivimos<br/>los propios y los ajenos:<br/>la de plata los estraños,<br/>y la de cobre los nuestros.'' ** English translation: 'We live in different ages, non-Spaniards and ourselves: they in the age of silver, we in the age of brass'. ** [[Lope de Vega]], ''La Dorotea'' Act I, sc. iv. Translation from Alan S. Trueblood and Edwin Honig (ed. and trans.) ''La Dorotea'' (Cambridge, MA: Harvard Univ. Press, 1985) p. 23. == See also == * [[Al-Andalus]] * [[Philip II of Spain]] * [[Spanish colonization of the Americas]] * [[Spanish proverbs]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Wiktionary}} {{wikibooks|Wikijunior:Europe/Spain}} {{wikiversity|Comparative law and justice/{{PAGENAME}}}} {{Wikisource|Portal:{{PAGENAME}}}} {{Wikivoyage}} {{commons}} [[Category:Spain| ]] ra4lnpmxm2meyuetzvdelcyjjvbyxrh 0 91250 3155717 2622409 2022-08-18T01:29:29Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Andy Roddick US Open 2009 368 crop.jpg|thumb|Andy Roddick, 2009]] '''[[w:Andy Roddick|Andrew Stephen "Andy" Roddick]]''' (born [[August 30]], [[1982]]) is an American professional tennis player. {{sport-stub}} ==Quotes== * I threw the kitchen sink at him but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. ** In: Piers Newbery (2004) "[http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tennis/3865037.stm Federer fights back to retain title] ''news.bbc.co.uk'', July 4, 2004 ** After being being asked how he felt of his own play, Wimbledon Final 2004. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Roddick, Andy}} [[Category:1982 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:American tennis players]] [[Category:Radio personalities]] [[Category:People from Omaha]] [[Category:People from Austin]] 66glq7ar5q0tt20988pwvkhi7m8y1xd 0 92073 3155827 2342335 2022-08-18T11:26:44Z Relinus 3124592 added [[Category:New Thought writers]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christian D. Larson|Christian Daa Larson]]''' (1874 – 1954) was a [[w:New Thought|New Thought]] leader and teacher, and an author of metaphysical and New Thought books. == Quotes == ===''Your Forces and How to Use Them'' (1912)=== * The way to control circumstances is to control the forces within yourself to make a greater man of yourself, and as you become greater and more competent, you will naturally gravitate into better circumstances. In this connection, we should remember that like attracts like. If you want that which is better, make yourself better. If you want to realize the ideal, make yourself more ideal. If you want better friends, make yourself a better friend. If you want to associate with people of worth, make yourself more worthy. If you want to meet that which is agreeable, make yourself more agreeable. If you want to enter conditions and circumstances that are more pleasing, make yourself more pleasing. In brief, whatever you want, produce that something in yourself, and you will positively gravitate towards the corresponding conditions in the external world. ** Chapter 3, p. 49 * When others seem to take advantage of you, do not retaliate by trying to take advantage of them. Use your power in improving yourself, so that you can do better and better work. That is how you are going to win in the race. Later on, those who tried to take advantage of you will be left in the rear. Remember, those who are dealing unjustly with you or with anybody are misusing their mind. They are therefore losing their power, and will, in the course of time, begin to lose ground; but if you, in the mean time, are turning the full power of your mind to good account, you will not only gain more power, but you will soon begin to gain ground. You will gain and continue to gain in the long run, while others who have been misusing their minds will lose mostly everything in the long run. That is how you are going to win, and win splendidly regardless of ill treatment or opposition. ** Chapter 3, p. 50 * The average person is in the habit of saying, "The older I get" and he thereby calls the attention of his mind to the idea that he is getting older. In brief, he compels his mind to believe that he is getting older and older, and thereby directs the mind to produce more and more age. The true expression in this connection is, "The longer I live." This expression calls the mind's attention to the length of life, which will, in turn, tend to increase the power of that process in you that can prolong life. When people reach the age of sixty or seventy, they usually speak of "the rest of my days," thus implying the idea that there are only a few more days remaining. The mind is thereby directed to finish life in a short period of time, and accordingly, all the forces of the mind will proceed to work for the speedy termination of personal existence. The correct expression is "from now on," as, that leads thought into the future indefinitely without impressing the mind with any end whatever. ** Chapter 6, p. 91&ndash;2 * The true optimist not only expects the best to happen, but goes to work to make the best happen. The true optimist not only looks upon the bright side, but trains every force that is in him to produce more and more brightness in his life... ** Chapter 6, p. 97 * So long as the man with ambition is a failure, the world will tell him to let go of his ideal; but when his ambition is realized, the world will praise him for the persistence and the determination that he manifested during his dark hours, and everybody will point to his life as an example for coming generations. This is invariably the rule. Therefore pay no attention to what the world says when you are down. Be determined to get up, to reach the highest goal you have in view, and you will. ** Chapter 6, p. 101 * Life becomes the way it is lived; and '''man may live the way he wants to live when he learns to think what he wants to think'''. ** p. 107 * When your thinking is brilliant, you will be brilliant, but if your thinking is not brilliant you will not be brilliant, no matter how brilliant you may think you are. ** Chapter 7, p. 114 * When you think that you are beautiful, you are liable to think that you are more beautiful than others, and such a thought is not a beautiful thought. To recognize or criticise ugliness and inferiority in others is to create the inferior and the ugly in yourself, and what you create in yourself will sooner or later be expressed through your mind and personality. ** Chapter 7, p. 115&ndash;116 * What you admire in others will develop in yourself. Therefore, to love the ordinary in any one is to become ordinary, while to love the noble and the lofty in all minds is to grow into the likeness of that which is noble and lofty. ** Chapter 8, p. 126&ndash;127 * The pessimist waits for better times, and expects to keep on waiting; the optimist goes to work with the best that is at hand now, and proceeds to create better times. ** Chapter 10, p. 155 * We are here to become great men and women, and with that purpose in view, we must eliminate everything in our religion and philosophy that tends to make the human mind a dependent weakling. If you would serve God and be truly religious, do not kneel before God, but learn to walk with God, and do something tangible every day to increase the happiness of mankind. This is religion that is worth while, and it is such religion alone that can please the Infinite. ** Chapter 12, p. 184&ndash;185 * The true purpose of the strong is to promote greater strength in the weak, and not to keep the weak in that state where they are at the mercy of the strong. ** Chapter 14, p. 210 * It is better to have faith in everybody and be deceived occasionally than to mistrust everybody and be deceived almost constantly. ** p. 219 * The master mind is the mind that thinks what it wants to think, regardless of what circumstances, environment or associations may suggest. ** p. 284 ===''What is Truth'' (1912)=== * The things we meet in life constitute the raw material from which we may build a larger life and a greater destiny Whatever you meet, be it pleasing or otherwise, remember it is raw material. You can take that material and turn it to excellent use in the creating of a stronger personality, a more brilliant mind and a more beautiful soul. * Man is an alchemist in his own domain. He can change the basest metals of his life into the finest gold. He can transform every element within his' own existence and make it what he may wish it to be. And though it is true that we shall meet many things that we do not look for, many adversities that we did not create, still we should count it all joy because we can make good use of everything^ and turn all things to good account. * Everything that promotes the welfare, the advancement and the growth of the individual is right. And everything that interferes with the welfare, the advancement and the growth of the individual is wrong. This is the only natural standard by which we can judge what is right and what is wrong. It is therefore the true standard, being based upon the nature, the principle and the purpose of life itself. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://abooksource.com/books_by_christian_d__larson.html Complete Collection of Christian D. Larson Books] * [http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/yfhu/index.htm ''Your Forces and How to Use Them''], a book by Christian D. Larson. * [http://www.christianlarsonfamily.com/ Christian D. Larson Official Family website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Larson, Christian}} [[Category: Motivational authors]] [[Category:1954 deaths]] [[Category:People from Iowa]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] t3cbsu92dok63ozup606x1q7iqqilsx 3155829 3155827 2022-08-18T11:27:04Z Relinus 3124592 removed [[Category:Motivational authors]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christian D. Larson|Christian Daa Larson]]''' (1874 – 1954) was a [[w:New Thought|New Thought]] leader and teacher, and an author of metaphysical and New Thought books. == Quotes == ===''Your Forces and How to Use Them'' (1912)=== * The way to control circumstances is to control the forces within yourself to make a greater man of yourself, and as you become greater and more competent, you will naturally gravitate into better circumstances. In this connection, we should remember that like attracts like. If you want that which is better, make yourself better. If you want to realize the ideal, make yourself more ideal. If you want better friends, make yourself a better friend. If you want to associate with people of worth, make yourself more worthy. If you want to meet that which is agreeable, make yourself more agreeable. If you want to enter conditions and circumstances that are more pleasing, make yourself more pleasing. In brief, whatever you want, produce that something in yourself, and you will positively gravitate towards the corresponding conditions in the external world. ** Chapter 3, p. 49 * When others seem to take advantage of you, do not retaliate by trying to take advantage of them. Use your power in improving yourself, so that you can do better and better work. That is how you are going to win in the race. Later on, those who tried to take advantage of you will be left in the rear. Remember, those who are dealing unjustly with you or with anybody are misusing their mind. They are therefore losing their power, and will, in the course of time, begin to lose ground; but if you, in the mean time, are turning the full power of your mind to good account, you will not only gain more power, but you will soon begin to gain ground. You will gain and continue to gain in the long run, while others who have been misusing their minds will lose mostly everything in the long run. That is how you are going to win, and win splendidly regardless of ill treatment or opposition. ** Chapter 3, p. 50 * The average person is in the habit of saying, "The older I get" and he thereby calls the attention of his mind to the idea that he is getting older. In brief, he compels his mind to believe that he is getting older and older, and thereby directs the mind to produce more and more age. The true expression in this connection is, "The longer I live." This expression calls the mind's attention to the length of life, which will, in turn, tend to increase the power of that process in you that can prolong life. When people reach the age of sixty or seventy, they usually speak of "the rest of my days," thus implying the idea that there are only a few more days remaining. The mind is thereby directed to finish life in a short period of time, and accordingly, all the forces of the mind will proceed to work for the speedy termination of personal existence. The correct expression is "from now on," as, that leads thought into the future indefinitely without impressing the mind with any end whatever. ** Chapter 6, p. 91&ndash;2 * The true optimist not only expects the best to happen, but goes to work to make the best happen. The true optimist not only looks upon the bright side, but trains every force that is in him to produce more and more brightness in his life... ** Chapter 6, p. 97 * So long as the man with ambition is a failure, the world will tell him to let go of his ideal; but when his ambition is realized, the world will praise him for the persistence and the determination that he manifested during his dark hours, and everybody will point to his life as an example for coming generations. This is invariably the rule. Therefore pay no attention to what the world says when you are down. Be determined to get up, to reach the highest goal you have in view, and you will. ** Chapter 6, p. 101 * Life becomes the way it is lived; and '''man may live the way he wants to live when he learns to think what he wants to think'''. ** p. 107 * When your thinking is brilliant, you will be brilliant, but if your thinking is not brilliant you will not be brilliant, no matter how brilliant you may think you are. ** Chapter 7, p. 114 * When you think that you are beautiful, you are liable to think that you are more beautiful than others, and such a thought is not a beautiful thought. To recognize or criticise ugliness and inferiority in others is to create the inferior and the ugly in yourself, and what you create in yourself will sooner or later be expressed through your mind and personality. ** Chapter 7, p. 115&ndash;116 * What you admire in others will develop in yourself. Therefore, to love the ordinary in any one is to become ordinary, while to love the noble and the lofty in all minds is to grow into the likeness of that which is noble and lofty. ** Chapter 8, p. 126&ndash;127 * The pessimist waits for better times, and expects to keep on waiting; the optimist goes to work with the best that is at hand now, and proceeds to create better times. ** Chapter 10, p. 155 * We are here to become great men and women, and with that purpose in view, we must eliminate everything in our religion and philosophy that tends to make the human mind a dependent weakling. If you would serve God and be truly religious, do not kneel before God, but learn to walk with God, and do something tangible every day to increase the happiness of mankind. This is religion that is worth while, and it is such religion alone that can please the Infinite. ** Chapter 12, p. 184&ndash;185 * The true purpose of the strong is to promote greater strength in the weak, and not to keep the weak in that state where they are at the mercy of the strong. ** Chapter 14, p. 210 * It is better to have faith in everybody and be deceived occasionally than to mistrust everybody and be deceived almost constantly. ** p. 219 * The master mind is the mind that thinks what it wants to think, regardless of what circumstances, environment or associations may suggest. ** p. 284 ===''What is Truth'' (1912)=== * The things we meet in life constitute the raw material from which we may build a larger life and a greater destiny Whatever you meet, be it pleasing or otherwise, remember it is raw material. You can take that material and turn it to excellent use in the creating of a stronger personality, a more brilliant mind and a more beautiful soul. * Man is an alchemist in his own domain. He can change the basest metals of his life into the finest gold. He can transform every element within his' own existence and make it what he may wish it to be. And though it is true that we shall meet many things that we do not look for, many adversities that we did not create, still we should count it all joy because we can make good use of everything^ and turn all things to good account. * Everything that promotes the welfare, the advancement and the growth of the individual is right. And everything that interferes with the welfare, the advancement and the growth of the individual is wrong. This is the only natural standard by which we can judge what is right and what is wrong. It is therefore the true standard, being based upon the nature, the principle and the purpose of life itself. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://abooksource.com/books_by_christian_d__larson.html Complete Collection of Christian D. Larson Books] * [http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/yfhu/index.htm ''Your Forces and How to Use Them''], a book by Christian D. Larson. * [http://www.christianlarsonfamily.com/ Christian D. Larson Official Family website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Larson, Christian}} [[Category:1954 deaths]] [[Category:People from Iowa]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] 34i54bia82970rq7d3uwem043wv9k71 0 95051 3155614 3043198 2022-08-17T19:06:44Z 72.181.169.49 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''''' (1966) is a critically-acclaimed and very popular animated television special, based on the comic strip ''[[Peanuts]]'' by [[Charles M. Schulz]]. It was the second ''Peanuts'' holiday special (and first [[Halloween]] special) to be produced and animated by Bill Meléndez. Its initial broadcast took place on October 27th, 1966. == Dialogue == :'''Linus''': ''[writing]'' Dear Great Pumpkin, I am looking forward to your arrival on Halloween night. I hope you will bring me lots of presents. :'''Charlie Brown''': Who are you writing to, Linus? :'''Linus''': This is the time of year to write to the Great Pumpkin. On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children! :'''Charlie Brown''': You must be crazy. When are you going to stop believing in something that isn't true? :'''Linus''': When *you* stop believing in that fellow with a red suit and the white beard who goes, "Ho, ho, ho!" :'''Charlie Brown''': We're obviously separated by denominational differences. :'''Linus''': ''[writing]'' You must get discouraged because more people believe in Santa Claus than in you. Well, let's face it; Santa Claus has had more publicity, but being #2, perhaps you try harder. :''[Snoopy reads part of it and then begins to laugh hysterically out of the room as Linus scowls at him, he then goes to laughing about it to Lucy before she tosses him aside]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[as Linus continues writing]'' ''Not again!'' Writing a letter to a stupid pumpkin? You make me the laughingstock of the neighborhood! All they talk about is my little brother who always writes to the Great Pumpkin. ''[she holds up her fist at Linus]'' You better cut it out right now or I'll pound you! :'''Linus''': [to himself] There are three things that I've learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin. :'''Patty''': ''[as Linus continues writing]'' You're wasting your time! the Great Pumpkin is a fake! :'''Linus''': ''[writing]'' Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. P.S.: If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linus takes his his letter outside to mail it.]'' :'''Lucy''': And just how ''are'' you going to mail that letter anyway? You possibly can't reach the mailbox. And ''I'm'' not going to to help you. ''[Linus takes his blanket, attaches it to the mailbox handle, pulls on the blanket to open it, and lets the letter float into the slot before pulling harder on the blanket to close the lid.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linus''': Hey, have you come to sing pumpkin carols? :'''Lucy''': You blockhead, you're gonna miss all the fun just like last year. :'''Linus''': Don't talk like that. The Great Pumpkin knows which kids have been good... ...and which kids have been bad. You'll be sorry. :'''Lucy''': Oh, good grief. :'''Linus''': He'll come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch... ...and he respect sincerity. :'''Sally''': ''[takes off her costume]'' Do you really think he'll come? :'''Linus''': Tonight, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch... ...and flies through the air to bring toys to all the children in the world. :'''Sally''': That's a good story. :'''Linus''': You don't believe the story of the Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. I thought little girls were innocent and trusting. :'''Sally''': Welcome to the 20th century. :'''Lucy''': Alright! Once and for all, are you coming or are you staying? We can't waste all night! :''[The kids start to leave; Sally stops and looks back at Linus smiling at her intently, and she eventually runs right back to him]'' :'''Linus''': I'm glad you came back, Sally. We'll just sit here in this pumpkin patch... ...and you'll see the Great Pumpkin with your own eyes. :'''Sally''': If you try to hold my hand, I'll slug you. :'''Linus''': Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch... ...that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. ''[the camera zooms out to reveal the entire pumpkin patch]'' You can look all around and there's not a sign a hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucy, Charlie Brown, and the kids go trick-or-treating and go to the first house]'' :'''Kids''': Trick-or-treat! Money or eats! :'''Lucy''': ''[after getting her bag filled]'' Can I have an extra piece of candy for my stupid brother? He couldn't come with us 'cause he's sitting in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin. ''[gets her extra candy, then the other kids get their bags filled]'' It's so embarrassing to have to ask for something extra for that blockhead Linus? :''[everyone announces what they got in their trick-or-treat bag]'' :'''Lucy''': I got 5 pieces of candy! :'''Violet''': I got a chocolate bar! :'''Patty''': I got a quarter! :'''Charlie Brown''': I got a rock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sally''': If anyone had told me I'd be waiting in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night, I'd have said they were crazy. :'''Linus''': Just think, Sally, when the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch, we'll be there to see him. ''[Suddenly, there's a rustling in the grass among the pumpkins]'' What's that? What's that? I hear the Great Pumpkin! ''[The rustling grows louder]'' :'''Linus''': ''[Excited]'' There he is, there he is! ''[A giant silhouette of Snoopy rises up]'' It's the Great Pumpkin! He's rising up out of the pumpkin patch! ''[faints]'' What happened… did I faint? What did he leave us? Did he leave us any toys? :'''Sally''': ''[Angrily]'' I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, when I could've been out for tricks-or-treats! ''[covers her mouth and realizes what she said]'' Halloween is over and I missed it! ''[turns red in anger]'' You blockhead! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and all that came was a beagle! I didn't get a chance to go out for tricks-or-treats, and it was all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could've had candy, apples, and gum! And cookies and money and all sorts of things! But no! I had to listen to you. You blockhead. What a fool I was. Trick-or-treats come only once a year. ''[Charlie Brown, Lucy, and the kids come up to them]'' And I miss it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead. ''[angrily shakes Linus by his shirt] YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION!!!'' :'''Linus''': You've heard about fury in a woman scorned, haven't you? :'''Charlie Brown''': Yes, I guess I have. :'''Linus''': Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of tricks-or-treats. :''[the other children, including an angry Sally, exit the pumpkin patch and leave Linus all alone]'' :'''Linus''': Hey, aren't you gonna wait and greet the Great Pumpkin, huh?! It won't be long now! If the Great Pumpkin comes, I'll still put in a good word for you! ''[realizes what he just said]'' Good grief, I said "if"! I meant ''when'' he comes! I'm doomed. One little slip like that can cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by. ''[the camera zooms out to reveal the entire pumpkin patch]'' Oh, Great Pumpkin! Where are you?! <hr width="50%"/> ''[last lines]'' :'''Charlie Brown''': Well, another Halloween has come and gone. :'''Linus''': Yes, Charlie Brown. :'''Charlie Brown''': I don't understand it. I went trick-or-treating and all I got was a bag full of rocks. I suppose you spent all night in the pumpkin patch. ''[Linus nods]'' And the Great Pumpkin never showed up? :'''Linus''': Nope. :'''Charlie Brown''': Well, don't take it too hard, Linus. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, too. :'''Linus''': ''[furious]'' STUPID? What do you mean "stupid"?! ''[Begins ranting as the end credits roll and Charlie Brown sighs]'' Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown. You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...! ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1966 films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Animated TV specials]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:Halloween TV specials]] klnue2fk4a9q91wuc305gyuqprq3d2z 3155621 3155614 2022-08-17T19:50:17Z UDScott 4304 trimmed quotes (25 min in runtime) wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''''' (1966) is a critically-acclaimed and very popular animated television special, based on the comic strip ''[[Peanuts]]'' by [[Charles M. Schulz]]. It was the second ''Peanuts'' holiday special (and first [[Halloween]] special) to be produced and animated by Bill Meléndez. Its initial broadcast took place on October 27th, 1966. == Dialogue == :''[Lucy, Charlie Brown, and the kids go trick-or-treating and go to the first house]'' :'''Kids''': Trick-or-treat! Money or eats! :'''Lucy''': ''[after getting her bag filled]'' Can I have an extra piece of candy for my stupid brother? He couldn't come with us 'cause he's sitting in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin. ''[gets her extra candy, then the other kids get their bags filled]'' It's so embarrassing to have to ask for something extra for that blockhead Linus? :''[everyone announces what they got in their trick-or-treat bag]'' :'''Lucy''': I got 5 pieces of candy! :'''Violet''': I got a chocolate bar! :'''Patty''': I got a quarter! :'''Charlie Brown''': I got a rock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sally''': If anyone had told me I'd be waiting in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night, I'd have said they were crazy. :'''Linus''': Just think, Sally, when the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch, we'll be there to see him. ''[Suddenly, there's a rustling in the grass among the pumpkins]'' What's that? What's that? I hear the Great Pumpkin! ''[The rustling grows louder]'' :'''Linus''': ''[Excited]'' There he is, there he is! ''[A giant silhouette of Snoopy rises up]'' It's the Great Pumpkin! He's rising up out of the pumpkin patch! ''[faints]'' What happened… did I faint? What did he leave us? Did he leave us any toys? :'''Sally''': ''[Angrily]'' I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, when I could've been out for tricks-or-treats! ''[covers her mouth and realizes what she said]'' Halloween is over and I missed it! ''[turns red in anger]'' You blockhead! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and all that came was a beagle! I didn't get a chance to go out for tricks-or-treats, and it was all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could've had candy, apples, and gum! And cookies and money and all sorts of things! But no! I had to listen to you. You blockhead. What a fool I was. Trick-or-treats come only once a year. ''[Charlie Brown, Lucy, and the kids come up to them]'' And I miss it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead. ''[angrily shakes Linus by his shirt] YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION!!!'' :'''Linus''': You've heard about fury in a woman scorned, haven't you? :'''Charlie Brown''': Yes, I guess I have. :'''Linus''': Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of tricks-or-treats. :''[the other children, including an angry Sally, exit the pumpkin patch and leave Linus all alone]'' :'''Linus''': Hey, aren't you gonna wait and greet the Great Pumpkin, huh?! It won't be long now! If the Great Pumpkin comes, I'll still put in a good word for you! ''[realizes what he just said]'' Good grief, I said "if"! I meant ''when'' he comes! I'm doomed. One little slip like that can cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by. ''[the camera zooms out to reveal the entire pumpkin patch]'' Oh, Great Pumpkin! Where are you?! ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1966 films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Animated TV specials]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:Halloween TV specials]] rk2z4m3x3i6mfhpw0can3ndad5fuzlc 0 99611 3155629 3097140 2022-08-17T20:15:00Z 2601:81:C400:D200:4928:DAA5:FC40:64BF /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002]] live-action film based on the Hanna Barbara cartoon [[w:Scooby-Doo|Scooby-Doo]]. Two years after a clash of egos forced Mystery Inc. to close its doors, Scooby-Doo and his clever crime-solving cohorts Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Velma are individually summoned to Spooky Island to investigate a series of paranormal incidents at the ultra-hip Spring Break hot spot. : ''Directed by [[w:Raja Gosnell|Raja Gosnell]]. Screenplay by [[w:James Gunn|James Gunn]]. {{center|'''He's live and un-leashed'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shaggy Rogers== * Scooby-Doo, where are you? * ''[to Daphne]'' Like, Scoob and me don't do castles. Because castles have paintings with eyes that watch you, Suits of Armor you think's a statue, but there's a guy inside who follows you every time you turn around. ''[Scooby shows Daphne what Shaggy actually means]'' == Scrappy Doo == * ''[to Scooby]'' You look so much bigger on TV! * ''[to Scooby after turning back to normal]'' Come on, I can still take you! Put 'em up you mangy mutt! ''[Scooby rolls his eyes and punches Scrappy into a wall]'' Is that all you got?! ''[Scooby just shrugs]'' * I would've gotten away with it too if not for you meddling sons of...! ''[the door shuts on the helicopter cutting him off while Daphne gasps in shock]'' == Dialogue == : '''Velma''': Jinkies! Fred? Come in, Fred. Fred, can you hear me? :'''Fred''': Fredster here, Velms. :'''Velma''': Shockingly, Daphne's been captured again. That's okay. When the Luna Ghost rounds the corner with Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will pop out of the barrel-- : '''Fred''': And you'll activate the conveyor belt, spilling the vat of oil onto the floor. : '''Velma''': Just remember my plan. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Velma''': Daphne? Are you okay? : '''Daphne''': I am so over this damsel in distress nonsense. : '''Fred''': Uh, where's Shagster? : '''Shaggy''': Like, I'm right here, man. : '''Scooby''': Me, too. : '''Shaggy''': Hey, Scoob, that was fun. Let's grab another skateboard and, like, do it again, huh? : '''Scooby''': Yeah! He-he-he-he! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Reporter''': Pam, any comments for us? : '''Pamela''': This is a victory for any celebrity who wants to make a quality, ecologically-friendly action figure. : '''Reporter''': Fred, what's the secret of your success? : '''Fred''': Teamwork. I do a tremendous amount of teamwork... and I always have a plan. Come on. : '''Velma''': ''[dejected]'' Yeah, my plan. : '''Fred''': I knew from the beginning there was never a phantom. The Luna Ghost is, in fact... :''[Fred unmasks the Luna ghost]'' : '''Everyone''': Old Man Smithers? : '''Pamela''': The creepy janitor? : '''Fred''': Smithers wanted revenge after you refused to go out with him. : '''Smithers''': How could you, Pamela? I am a lover boy of George Clooney-an proportions. : '''Reporter''': Fred, how was the ghost able to fly? : '''Velma''': I can answer that. Watch. ''[she and Fred reveal what Smithers was wearing under his costume.]'' These balloons fill with a highly potent helium synthesis, giving the Luna Ghost his weightless appearance. :'''Smithers''': I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb dog! I'll get you for this! :'''Scooby''': Scooby-dooby-doo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': Some plan. That ghost pawed me for an hour and a half. :'''Fred''': Daph, look, it's not our fault that you always get kidnapped. :'''Daphne''': I do not always get kidnapped. I can't believe you'd say that to me. :'''Velma''': Oh, please. You come with your own ransom note. ''[Daphne steals her glasses]'' Hey, my glasses! :'''Daphne''': Who's helpless, now? :'''Velma''': ''[feels Fred's shoes and starts choking Fred]'' I'm gonna kill you, Daphne! :'''Fred''': ''[pushes Velma off]'' Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! ''[checks his ascot]'' Watch the ascot! : '''Shaggy''': Hey, you guys, look. I know I'm just the dude that carries the bags, but it seems to me we all play an important part in this group. ''[Daphne hands Velma's glasses and Velma snatches them back]'' I mean, we're just like a big, delicious banana split. Fred, you're the big banana. Daphne, you're the pastrami and bubble-gum-flavored ice cream, and Velma, you're the sweet-and-sour mustard sauce that goes on top. : '''Scooby''': Mmm-mmm! : '''Shaggy''': That sounds pretty good, doesn't it, Scoob? : '''Scooby''': Uh-huh. : '''Velma''': You know what, Shaggy. You've really put it into perspective for me. : '''Shaggy''': Thanks. : '''Velma''': I quit. : '''Shaggy''': No. : '''Daphne''': No way. You-you can't quit. I was gonna quit in, like, two seconds. And now everyone is gonna totally think I copied off the smart girl. : '''Fred''': Now, wait a minute. wait a minute. Maybe I quit. I do. Yeah, I quit! : '''Velma''': I'm outta here. : '''Daphne''': Good riddance. : '''Shaggy''': Don't... no! Don't go. Come on, you guys, don't do this. Please, don't go. : '''Scooby''': Do I quit? : '''Shaggy''': No, Scoob... friends don't quit. Well, it looks like it's just you and me for a while, buddy, old pal. :'''Scooby''': What now, Shaggy? :'''Shaggy''': I guess we'll all just do what we do best, Scoob. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Man''': I've been sent by my employer, Mr. Emile Mondavarious, to invite you to his world-famous amusement park, Spooky Island. : '''Shaggy''': Oh, we don't go near any place with "spooky," "haunted," "forbidden," or "creepy" in the name. : '''Scooby''': Or "hydrocolonic." : '''Shaggy''': Right, or "hydrocolonic," but that's for a whole different reason, man. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Shaggy''': Boy, oh, boy, those sure do look like Scooby Snacks. : '''Mary Jane''': I know they're for dogs, but they're 100% vegetarian and I love them. : '''Shaggy''': Like, me too! : '''Mary Jane''': Far out. I have never met another person who loves Scooby Snacks. : '''Shaggy''': Me neither. : '''Mary Jane''': I'm Mary Jane. : '''Shaggy''': ''[too shocked to speak]'' Like that is my favorite name. : '''Mary Jane''': Really? No way. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mondavarious''': I'm Emile Mondavarious, the owner of the amusement park. : '''Velma''': You seem less... : '''Shaggy''': Spooky! : '''Velma''': Than we'd have guessed. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Velma''': What's the problem, exactly? : '''Mondavarious''': I believe somebody is casting a spell on the students. Now listen and look around. Can you notice any difference between those arriving and those departing? : '''Daphne''': They look like sober, well-behaved college kids. : '''Mondavarious''': Precisely. And they didn't before they came. They've changed. In other words, a magic spell. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Brad''': Carol! Hey Carol, how's the island? : '''Carol''': ''[with an angry tone]'' Are you tricking on me? : '''Brad''': Carol, it's me. It's Brad. We've known each other since we were, like, three-- : '''Carol''': ''[suddenly lifts up Brad in air]'' Back off my grill, son. : '''Brad''': ''[screaming in pure terror as Mystery Inc. watches in horror]'' CAROL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! : ''[She throws Brad in front of Mystery Inc. and Mondavarious, then walks away with the other kids; Brad crawls away in fright]'' : '''Mondavarious''': I'm terrified. And if the young people come off the barge, the people I love the most, they are in danger. : '''Velma''': I'm gonna solve this one first. : '''Fred''': Not before I solve it first. : '''Mondavarious''': Well done. : '''Daphne''': You guys are gonna look like total, total idiots when you're captured and I'm the one saving you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fred''': ''[in Daphne's body]'' I couldn't get to my body. I didn't know where else to go, I panicked! It's not easy to steer when you're pure spirit! ''[looks down and becomes impressed.]'' Hey.... I can look at myself naked! :'''Velma''': Oh, brother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fred''': ''[in Daphne's body]'' Hey good looking! :'''Daphne''': ''[in Fred's body]'' Fred! You egocentric... :'''Shaggy''': ''[interrupting]'' Please! Tell me you guys are you! :'''Daphne''': ''[in Fred's body, She stamps foot, exasperated]'' Fred keeps touching me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': We did it! :'''Fred''': Yes we did. ''[the two kiss; Daphne suddenly breaks off]'' :'''Daphne''': Fred, cut it out! :''[both smile]'' ==Taglines== * He's live and un-leashed * Zoinks! * Throughout The Ages, One Hero Has Cowered Above The Rest. * The New Doo 2002 * Be Afraid. Be Kind of Afraid. * Doo Happens June 14 * A Hero Will Rise. On Four Legs. * Where Are You? * The Gang's All Here * Get a Clue. * The Ghouls Are Revolting. == Cast == * [[w:Freddie Prinze, Jr.|Freddie Prinze, Jr.]] - [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] * [[Sarah Michelle Gellar]] - [[w:Daphne Blake|Daphne Blake]] * [[w:Matthew Lillard|Matthew Lillard]] - [[w:Shaggy Rogers|Shaggy Rogers]] * [[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] - [[w:Velma Dinkley|Velma Dinkley]] * [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Emile Mondavarious * [[w:Isla Fisher|Isla Fisher]] - Mary Jane * [[w:Miguel A. Núñez, Jr.|Miguel A. Núñez, Jr.]] - Voodoo Maestro ===Voices=== * [[w:Neil Fanning|Neil Fanning]] - [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby Doo]] * [[w:Scott Innes|Scott Innes]] - [[w:Scrappy-Doo|Scrappy-Doo]] ** [[w:J. P. Manoux|J. P. Manoux]] (rex) ==See also== * ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0267913|title=Scooby-Doo}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Screenplays by James Gunn]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films directed by Raja Gosnell]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] 93zvdyvl95lj20b73x6ks4oe8n331n5 10 100914 3155806 3155060 2022-08-18T09:33:43Z Kalki 71 add [[Katharine Lee Bates]], image wikitext text/x-wiki <div style="background-color: #faf9b2; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-bottom: none; padding-top: 0.3em; padding-bottom: 0.3em; font-size: large; text-align:center;"> '''[[Special:NewPages|New pages]]''' </div> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|New in Wikiquote: [[Katharine Lee Bates]]]] <div style="background: #ffffec; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-top: none; padding: 0.6em; padding-top: none;"> <!-- NOTE BEFORE ADDING: Total of fourteen (14) only, in chronological order: add to top, remove from bottom --> :[[Katharine Lee Bates]] :[[Liu Yifei]] :[[David McCullough]] :[[Olga Tokarczuk]] :[[Alexander Lebed]] :[[Olivia Newton-John]] :''[[John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum]]'' :[[Eli S. Ricker]] :[[The Sandman (TV series)|''The Sandman'' (TV series)]] :[[Sergei Korolev]] :[[Aslan Maskhadov]] :[[Andrew Fox (author)|Andrew Fox]] :[[Mila Kunis]] :[[Tigran Keosayan]] {{break}} <div style="text-align:center;" class="plainlinks">A partial listing of some [[Special:NewPages|new pages]] ([http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Template:New_pages&action=edit add])</div></div><noinclude>[[Category:Main Page templates|{{PAGENAME}}]]</noinclude> 0i2ieml93w78u3ss809st9f6bte98gi 0 118214 3155642 3154918 2022-08-17T21:12:01Z 73.168.254.34 /* Gru */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:2016 Harvest Moon penumbral eclipse at 18-54 UTC (30434544401).jpg|thumb|We are going to steal… pause for effect… THE MOON!]] [[File:Las Vegas NY NY Hotel.jpg|thumb|We stole the Statue of Liberty! The small one from Las Vegas.]] [[File:The hotel Paris Las Vegas as seen from the hotel The Bellagio.jpg|thumb|I won’t even mention the Eiffel Tower. Also Vegas.]] '''''[[w:Despicable Me (film)|Despicable Me]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film about a criminal mastermind who uses a trio of orphan girls as pawns for a grand scheme, but finds their love is profoundly changing him for the better. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud (animator)|Chris Renaud]] and [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].'' <center>'''Superbad. Superdad.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Gru== * ''[To his Minions]'' What did we do? Well, we stole the [[w:One Times Square|Times Square JumboTron]]! Nice. ''[all cheering]'' Ah? That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching [[American football|football]] on that, huh?! But that's not all! We stole the [[Statue of Liberty]]! ''[Minions cheer]'' [[w:New York-New York Hotel and Casino|The small one]] from [[Las Vegas]]. ''[Minions groan with disappointment]'' And I won't even mention the [[W:Eiffel Tower|Eiffel Tower]]. [[W:Paris Las Vegas|Also Vegas]]. * Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the ''true'' crime of the century! We... are going... to steal... ''[all the minions pull out weapons]'' Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet! ''[Dave the minion fires a missile that scatters another group of minions]'' Hey! Dave, listen up, please! ''[one of the singed minions punches Dave]'' Next, we are going to steal... ''[long pause]'' pause for effect… ''[opens skylight]'' ...THE [[Moon|MOON]]! * ''[repeated line, whenever he has an idea]'' Light bulb... ==Vector== * [''to Gru''] I'm applying for a new villain loan, go by the name of... ''Vector''! [''no response''] That's [[W:vector|a mathematical term]], represented by an arrow, composed of both direction and magnitude! [''no response''] Vector! That's me! Because I'm committing crimes, with both ''direction'' and '''''magnitude!''''' OH YEAH! * ''[to Gru]'' Check this out! Piranha gun! Oh yes! Fires live piranha. Have you ever seen one before? No! That's because I invented it. * ''[After shrinking his toilet to amuse himself]'' Aw, look at you, a little tiny toilet. ''[mumbling in baby-talk]'' For little tiny baby people to u— ''[toilet flies off pipe, resulting in it spraying water in his face]'' Augh! Curse you, tiny toilet! ==Edith== *When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie. *[referring to the pancake that Gru baked for her]'' Yes! Mine is shaped like a dead guy! ==Others== * '''Mr. Perkins''''': [Gru is applying for a loan]'' Let’s say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back… ''[viciously crushes the apple]'' get the picture? ''[Gru gulps nervously]'' * '''Agnes''': Aah! Oh my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! ==Dialogue== [[File:Armstrong on Moon (As11-40-5886) (cropped).jpg|thumb|I’m afraid you’re too late, son. [[NASA]] isn’t sending the monkeys anymore.]] :'''Fred''': Morning, Gru! How you doing? :'''Gru''': Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it. :'''Fred''': Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go. :'''Gru''': Unless they're dead. ''[laughs]'' I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one. :'''Fred''': ''[confused]'' Oh, okay. Uh... yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats. :'''Gru''': What? What happened? :'''Dr. Nefario''': It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a [[w:pyramids of giza|pyramid]]! He said it makes all other villains look... lame. :'''Gru''': [''responds angrily''] Assemble the Minions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': ''[takes phone call]'' Hello, Mom. Sorry. I meant to call, but... :'''Gru's Mom''': I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [''Gru sighs in disgust''] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [''laughs''] :'''Gru''': Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud! :'''Gru's Mom''': Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! ''[ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] Ha!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': Oh, here is the new weapon you ordered ''[fires cloud of foul-smelling gas at minion, making a flatulent noise and knocking the minion out]'' :'''Gru''': No, I said ''dart'' gun, not— ''[wafts stench away from face]'' Ooh! Okay… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Gru''': ''[Watching [[Apollo 11]] landings]'' Mom, someday I'm going to go to the moon! :'''Gru's Mom''': Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. [[NASA]] isn't sending the monkeys anymore. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edith''': Are these beds made out of bombs? :'''Gru''': Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up... but try not to toss and turn. :'''Edith''': Cool. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Gru turns on the TV which shows Mr. Perkins''] :'''Gru''': Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see ''this!'' [''shows the shrink ray''] Huh? [''Jerry manages to get off the couch, but Kevin, who is still sitting on it, is shrunk''] :'''Mr. Perkins''': Well done, Gru. Rather impressive. :'''Gru''': Now, the rest of the plan is simple. [''shows a picture''] I fly to the moon... [''shows another picture''] ...I shrink the moon... ''[shows another picture]'' ...I grab the moon... [''shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith''] I sit on the toilet... Wait, what?! ''[the girls laugh; nervous]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Margo''': Hey, can we order pizza? :'''Edith''': All right then. :'''Gru''': [''picks up Agnes and puts her back''] Pizza? You just had lunch! :'''Edith''': Not now, for dinner. :'''Gru''': Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there. :'''Margo''': Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust? :[''Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face''] :'''Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry''': Ooh, stuffed crust! :'''Gru''': I'll stuff you all in the crust! :'''Agnes''': [''giggles''] You're funny! :'''Gru''': Just don't come out of that room again! ''[closes the door; to Mr. Perkins]'' Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Mr. Perkins''': You were sitting on the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''furious''] What are you doing?! I told you to stay out of here! ''[chases the girls out of the room, then backpedals when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him]'' No, no, no! :'''Edith''': Freeze ray! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Mr. Gru? :'''Gru''': [''makes karate sounds, but arrives with a frozen body, with the exception of his head, arms, and buttocks''] As I was saying... :'''Mr. Perkins''': No need to continue, I've seen quite enough. :'''Gru''': But my plan-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': Is a great plan, I love everything about your plan, except for one thing: you. :[''Gru remembers some of his memories''] ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's picture, but turns back''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at he macaroni prototype, but regrets''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': [''excitedly''] Look, Mom! I made the real rocket, based on the macaroni prototype! [''presses a button and sends the rocket into space''] ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's rocket as it flies off''] Ooo... [''looks back at Gru''] Ehh. :'''Gru''': [''Reality hits him; he falls down and breaks the ice encasing him; confused''] I... don't understand. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long, with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a...well, a younger villain. :'''Gru''': But I-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': It's over. Goodbye, Gru. [''crushes his apple and the TV turns off''] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vector is discussing the shrink ray with his father, Mr. Perkins]'' :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you know where the shrink ray is? :'''Vector''': Duh! Back at my place. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one. ''[shows Vector the image on his laptop]'' That looks exactly like it! :'''Vector''': What the...? Those- Those girls sold me cookies! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it! :'''Vector''': No, I haven't! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, really? :'''Vector''': Now you just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon! ''(opens his weapon case)'' Squid launcher! Oh, yeah! [''fires a squid into the lobby''] :'''Man''': Aah! There's a squid on my face! :'''Vector''': You just wait. The Moon is as good as ours! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''trying to put the girls in bed''] Come on now. It's bed time. [''to Agnes''] Did you brush your teeth? [''Agnes nods''] Let me smell, Let me smell... [''Agnes opens her mouth; sniffs, but nearly gags''] You did ''not''! [''Edith suddenly lands on him''] Put on your PJs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! :'''Edith''': But we're not tired! :'''Gru''': Well, I am tired! :'''Agnes''': [''holding the book Sleepy Kittens''] Will you read us a bedtime story? :[''silence''] :'''Gru''': [''in a deep voice''] No. [''attempts to leave the room''] :'''Agnes''': Pretty please? :'''Gru''': The physical appearance of the ''please'' makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. :'''Edith''': But we can't! We're all hyper! :'''Margo''': And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long. :[''pause''] :'''Gru''': [''sighs; giving in''] Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Agnes''': I like him. He's nice. :'''Edith''': But scary. [''turns off her light''] :'''Agnes''': ...Like Santa! [''turns off her light''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''leans into the camera lens''] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a ''world of pain''! :'''Vector''': ''[laughs, sarcastically]'' Ooh, I'm really scared! :[''Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.''] :'''Agnes''': [''smugly''] He is gonna kick your butt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': Okay, girls, time for bed. :'''Edith''': Ah, come on, we want a story. :'''Agnes''': ''[excited]'' Three Sleepy Kittens! :'''Gru''': Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. :''[Kyle snorts]'' :'''Gru''': Tonight, we are going to read a new book. ''[shows his homemade book to the girls]'' This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! ''[opens the book]'' Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. ''[sticks his nose through a small hole]'' That's the horn. :''[the girls laugh along with Gru]'' :'''Agnes''': This is gonna be the best book ever. :'''Gru''': Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. ''[opens the book]'' Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down." :'''Edith''': [''points to the page''] Hey, that one looks like me! :'''Gru''': [''pulls back the book''] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [''continues reading''] "They made him laugh... [''laughs''] ...They made him cry." [''sighs''] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his heart." [''beats''] The End. [''closes the book''] Okay, alright, good night. :[''Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck''] :'''Margo''': I love you. :'''Gru''': [''hugging her back; whispering''] I love you too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[watching the girls' dance recital]'' :'''Gru''': They're very good. :'''Marlena''': Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me. ''[Gru rolls his eyes]'' Maybe even better. ''[Gru smiles]'' == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * Sergio’s character was gothic, although he had the trappings of other things; he sort of looked like [[Dracula]] and he had these big, hulking, ogre-like henchmen. As a departure from the original pitch, we sort of went into the world of [[James Bond]], thinking of characters like [[Goldfinger]] and obviously the Bond-ian world of technology. :* [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]] in [http://www.cartoonbrew.com/award-season-focus/directors-chris-renaud-and-pierre-coffin-on-creative-choices-and-challenges-in-despicable-me-films-93702.html "Directors Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin on Creative Choices and Challenges in “Despicable Me” Films"], by C. Edwards, ''Cartoon Brew'', 01/03/2014. ==Taglines== * Superbad, Superdad * Some call him bad, ''they'' call him dad. (British tagline) * Who's afraid of the Big Bad Gru? (French tagline) * Happy Fathers’ Day * Just because he's a bad guy, doesn't mean he's a ''bad'' guy. * From Chris Meledandri, executive producer of Ice Age, Ice Age 2 and Horton Hears A Who. * What if the world's greatest super-villain, was also your dad? * His gadgets, despicable... his tiny army, despicable... his new family, not despicable. * It's hard to balance work and family, but this summer, one dad will give it his best shot. ==Cast== * [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] - Gru * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] - Vector * [[w:Russell Brand|Russell Brand]] - Dr. Nefario * [[w:Julie Andrews|Julie Andrews]] - Marlena Gru (credited as "Gru's Mom") * [[w:Will Arnett|Will Arnett]] - Mr. Perkins * [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] - Ms. Hattie * [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] - Margo * [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] - Edith * [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] - Agnes * [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]<br>[[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]<br>[[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] - The Minions * [[w:Jack McBrayer|Jack McBrayer]] - Justin's Dad, Carnival Barker * [[w:Ken Jeong|Ken Jeong]] - Talk Show Host * [[w:Danny McBride (actor)|Danny McBride]] - Fred McDade * [[w:Mindy Kaling|Mindy Kaling]] - Justin's Mom * [[w:Rob Huebel|Rob Huebel]] - Anchorman, Newscaster * [[w:Ken Daurio|Ken Daurio]] - Egyptian Guard * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Kyle (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia|Despicable Me|''Despicable Me''}} *{{Official|http://www.despicableme.com}} *{{imdb title|id=1323594|title=Despicable Me}} {{Despicable Me}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Egypt]] [[Category:Films set in North Korea]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Criminal comedy films]] [[Category:Moon-related films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about orphans]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] 169mvhtusebfmt5zsywm332he6c5x1y 3155643 3155642 2022-08-17T21:12:40Z 73.168.254.34 /* Gru */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:2016 Harvest Moon penumbral eclipse at 18-54 UTC (30434544401).jpg|thumb|We are going to steal… pause for effect… THE MOON!]] [[File:Las Vegas NY NY Hotel.jpg|thumb|We stole the Statue of Liberty! The small one from Las Vegas.]] [[File:The hotel Paris Las Vegas as seen from the hotel The Bellagio.jpg|thumb|I won’t even mention the Eiffel Tower. Also Vegas.]] '''''[[w:Despicable Me (film)|Despicable Me]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film about a criminal mastermind who uses a trio of orphan girls as pawns for a grand scheme, but finds their love is profoundly changing him for the better. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud (animator)|Chris Renaud]] and [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].'' <center>'''Superbad. Superdad.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Gru== * ''[To his Minions]'' What did we do? Well, we stole the [[w:One Times Square|Times Square JumboTron]]! Nice. ''[all cheering]'' Ah? That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching [[American football|football]] on that, huh?! But that's not all! We stole the [[Statue of Liberty]]! ''[Minions cheer]'' [[w:New York-New York Hotel and Casino|The small one]] from [[Las Vegas]]. ''[Minions groan with disappointment]'' And I won't even mention the [[W:Eiffel Tower|Eiffel Tower]]. [[W:Paris Las Vegas|Also Vegas]]. * Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the ''true'' crime of the century! We... are going... to steal... ''[all the minions pull out weapons]'' Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet! ''[Dave the minion fires a missile that scatters another group of minions]'' Hey! Dave, listen up, please! ''[Dave looks down and murmurs in embarrassment; one of the singed minions walks over and punches Dave]'' Next, we are going to steal... ''[long pause]'' pause for effect… ''[opens skylight]'' ...THE [[Moon|MOON]]! * ''[repeated line, whenever he has an idea]'' Light bulb... ==Vector== * [''to Gru''] I'm applying for a new villain loan, go by the name of... ''Vector''! [''no response''] That's [[W:vector|a mathematical term]], represented by an arrow, composed of both direction and magnitude! [''no response''] Vector! That's me! Because I'm committing crimes, with both ''direction'' and '''''magnitude!''''' OH YEAH! * ''[to Gru]'' Check this out! Piranha gun! Oh yes! Fires live piranha. Have you ever seen one before? No! That's because I invented it. * ''[After shrinking his toilet to amuse himself]'' Aw, look at you, a little tiny toilet. ''[mumbling in baby-talk]'' For little tiny baby people to u— ''[toilet flies off pipe, resulting in it spraying water in his face]'' Augh! Curse you, tiny toilet! ==Edith== *When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie. *[referring to the pancake that Gru baked for her]'' Yes! Mine is shaped like a dead guy! ==Others== * '''Mr. Perkins''''': [Gru is applying for a loan]'' Let’s say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back… ''[viciously crushes the apple]'' get the picture? ''[Gru gulps nervously]'' * '''Agnes''': Aah! Oh my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! ==Dialogue== [[File:Armstrong on Moon (As11-40-5886) (cropped).jpg|thumb|I’m afraid you’re too late, son. [[NASA]] isn’t sending the monkeys anymore.]] :'''Fred''': Morning, Gru! How you doing? :'''Gru''': Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it. :'''Fred''': Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go. :'''Gru''': Unless they're dead. ''[laughs]'' I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one. :'''Fred''': ''[confused]'' Oh, okay. Uh... yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats. :'''Gru''': What? What happened? :'''Dr. Nefario''': It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a [[w:pyramids of giza|pyramid]]! He said it makes all other villains look... lame. :'''Gru''': [''responds angrily''] Assemble the Minions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': ''[takes phone call]'' Hello, Mom. Sorry. I meant to call, but... :'''Gru's Mom''': I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [''Gru sighs in disgust''] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [''laughs''] :'''Gru''': Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud! :'''Gru's Mom''': Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! ''[ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] Ha!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': Oh, here is the new weapon you ordered ''[fires cloud of foul-smelling gas at minion, making a flatulent noise and knocking the minion out]'' :'''Gru''': No, I said ''dart'' gun, not— ''[wafts stench away from face]'' Ooh! Okay… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Gru''': ''[Watching [[Apollo 11]] landings]'' Mom, someday I'm going to go to the moon! :'''Gru's Mom''': Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. [[NASA]] isn't sending the monkeys anymore. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edith''': Are these beds made out of bombs? :'''Gru''': Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up... but try not to toss and turn. :'''Edith''': Cool. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Gru turns on the TV which shows Mr. Perkins''] :'''Gru''': Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see ''this!'' [''shows the shrink ray''] Huh? [''Jerry manages to get off the couch, but Kevin, who is still sitting on it, is shrunk''] :'''Mr. Perkins''': Well done, Gru. Rather impressive. :'''Gru''': Now, the rest of the plan is simple. [''shows a picture''] I fly to the moon... [''shows another picture''] ...I shrink the moon... ''[shows another picture]'' ...I grab the moon... [''shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith''] I sit on the toilet... Wait, what?! ''[the girls laugh; nervous]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Margo''': Hey, can we order pizza? :'''Edith''': All right then. :'''Gru''': [''picks up Agnes and puts her back''] Pizza? You just had lunch! :'''Edith''': Not now, for dinner. :'''Gru''': Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there. :'''Margo''': Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust? :[''Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face''] :'''Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry''': Ooh, stuffed crust! :'''Gru''': I'll stuff you all in the crust! :'''Agnes''': [''giggles''] You're funny! :'''Gru''': Just don't come out of that room again! ''[closes the door; to Mr. Perkins]'' Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Mr. Perkins''': You were sitting on the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''furious''] What are you doing?! I told you to stay out of here! ''[chases the girls out of the room, then backpedals when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him]'' No, no, no! :'''Edith''': Freeze ray! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Mr. Gru? :'''Gru''': [''makes karate sounds, but arrives with a frozen body, with the exception of his head, arms, and buttocks''] As I was saying... :'''Mr. Perkins''': No need to continue, I've seen quite enough. :'''Gru''': But my plan-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': Is a great plan, I love everything about your plan, except for one thing: you. :[''Gru remembers some of his memories''] ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's picture, but turns back''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at he macaroni prototype, but regrets''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': [''excitedly''] Look, Mom! I made the real rocket, based on the macaroni prototype! [''presses a button and sends the rocket into space''] ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's rocket as it flies off''] Ooo... [''looks back at Gru''] Ehh. :'''Gru''': [''Reality hits him; he falls down and breaks the ice encasing him; confused''] I... don't understand. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long, with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a...well, a younger villain. :'''Gru''': But I-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': It's over. Goodbye, Gru. [''crushes his apple and the TV turns off''] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vector is discussing the shrink ray with his father, Mr. Perkins]'' :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you know where the shrink ray is? :'''Vector''': Duh! Back at my place. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one. ''[shows Vector the image on his laptop]'' That looks exactly like it! :'''Vector''': What the...? Those- Those girls sold me cookies! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it! :'''Vector''': No, I haven't! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, really? :'''Vector''': Now you just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon! ''(opens his weapon case)'' Squid launcher! Oh, yeah! [''fires a squid into the lobby''] :'''Man''': Aah! There's a squid on my face! :'''Vector''': You just wait. The Moon is as good as ours! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''trying to put the girls in bed''] Come on now. It's bed time. [''to Agnes''] Did you brush your teeth? [''Agnes nods''] Let me smell, Let me smell... [''Agnes opens her mouth; sniffs, but nearly gags''] You did ''not''! [''Edith suddenly lands on him''] Put on your PJs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! :'''Edith''': But we're not tired! :'''Gru''': Well, I am tired! :'''Agnes''': [''holding the book Sleepy Kittens''] Will you read us a bedtime story? :[''silence''] :'''Gru''': [''in a deep voice''] No. [''attempts to leave the room''] :'''Agnes''': Pretty please? :'''Gru''': The physical appearance of the ''please'' makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. :'''Edith''': But we can't! We're all hyper! :'''Margo''': And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long. :[''pause''] :'''Gru''': [''sighs; giving in''] Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Agnes''': I like him. He's nice. :'''Edith''': But scary. [''turns off her light''] :'''Agnes''': ...Like Santa! [''turns off her light''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''leans into the camera lens''] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a ''world of pain''! :'''Vector''': ''[laughs, sarcastically]'' Ooh, I'm really scared! :[''Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.''] :'''Agnes''': [''smugly''] He is gonna kick your butt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': Okay, girls, time for bed. :'''Edith''': Ah, come on, we want a story. :'''Agnes''': ''[excited]'' Three Sleepy Kittens! :'''Gru''': Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. :''[Kyle snorts]'' :'''Gru''': Tonight, we are going to read a new book. ''[shows his homemade book to the girls]'' This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! ''[opens the book]'' Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. ''[sticks his nose through a small hole]'' That's the horn. :''[the girls laugh along with Gru]'' :'''Agnes''': This is gonna be the best book ever. :'''Gru''': Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. ''[opens the book]'' Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down." :'''Edith''': [''points to the page''] Hey, that one looks like me! :'''Gru''': [''pulls back the book''] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [''continues reading''] "They made him laugh... [''laughs''] ...They made him cry." [''sighs''] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his heart." [''beats''] The End. [''closes the book''] Okay, alright, good night. :[''Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck''] :'''Margo''': I love you. :'''Gru''': [''hugging her back; whispering''] I love you too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[watching the girls' dance recital]'' :'''Gru''': They're very good. :'''Marlena''': Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me. ''[Gru rolls his eyes]'' Maybe even better. ''[Gru smiles]'' == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * Sergio’s character was gothic, although he had the trappings of other things; he sort of looked like [[Dracula]] and he had these big, hulking, ogre-like henchmen. As a departure from the original pitch, we sort of went into the world of [[James Bond]], thinking of characters like [[Goldfinger]] and obviously the Bond-ian world of technology. :* [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]] in [http://www.cartoonbrew.com/award-season-focus/directors-chris-renaud-and-pierre-coffin-on-creative-choices-and-challenges-in-despicable-me-films-93702.html "Directors Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin on Creative Choices and Challenges in “Despicable Me” Films"], by C. Edwards, ''Cartoon Brew'', 01/03/2014. ==Taglines== * Superbad, Superdad * Some call him bad, ''they'' call him dad. (British tagline) * Who's afraid of the Big Bad Gru? (French tagline) * Happy Fathers’ Day * Just because he's a bad guy, doesn't mean he's a ''bad'' guy. * From Chris Meledandri, executive producer of Ice Age, Ice Age 2 and Horton Hears A Who. * What if the world's greatest super-villain, was also your dad? * His gadgets, despicable... his tiny army, despicable... his new family, not despicable. * It's hard to balance work and family, but this summer, one dad will give it his best shot. ==Cast== * [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] - Gru * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] - Vector * [[w:Russell Brand|Russell Brand]] - Dr. Nefario * [[w:Julie Andrews|Julie Andrews]] - Marlena Gru (credited as "Gru's Mom") * [[w:Will Arnett|Will Arnett]] - Mr. Perkins * [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] - Ms. Hattie * [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] - Margo * [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] - Edith * [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] - Agnes * [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]<br>[[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]<br>[[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] - The Minions * [[w:Jack McBrayer|Jack McBrayer]] - Justin's Dad, Carnival Barker * [[w:Ken Jeong|Ken Jeong]] - Talk Show Host * [[w:Danny McBride (actor)|Danny McBride]] - Fred McDade * [[w:Mindy Kaling|Mindy Kaling]] - Justin's Mom * [[w:Rob Huebel|Rob Huebel]] - Anchorman, Newscaster * [[w:Ken Daurio|Ken Daurio]] - Egyptian Guard * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Kyle (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia|Despicable Me|''Despicable Me''}} *{{Official|http://www.despicableme.com}} *{{imdb title|id=1323594|title=Despicable Me}} {{Despicable Me}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Egypt]] [[Category:Films set in North Korea]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Criminal comedy films]] [[Category:Moon-related films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about orphans]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] 73viokmj8v7j4jlbrnwke82na48iiq1 3155645 3155643 2022-08-17T21:14:26Z 73.168.254.34 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:2016 Harvest Moon penumbral eclipse at 18-54 UTC (30434544401).jpg|thumb|We are going to steal… pause for effect… THE MOON!]] [[File:Las Vegas NY NY Hotel.jpg|thumb|We stole the Statue of Liberty! The small one from Las Vegas.]] [[File:The hotel Paris Las Vegas as seen from the hotel The Bellagio.jpg|thumb|I won’t even mention the Eiffel Tower. Also Vegas.]] '''''[[w:Despicable Me (film)|Despicable Me]]''''' is a [[w:2010 in film|2010]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film about a criminal mastermind who uses a trio of orphan girls as pawns for a grand scheme, but finds their love is profoundly changing him for the better. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud (animator)|Chris Renaud]] and [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].'' <center>'''Superbad. Superdad.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Gru== * ''[To his Minions]'' What did we do? Well, we stole the [[w:One Times Square|Times Square JumboTron]]! Nice. ''[all cheering]'' Ah? That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching [[American football|football]] on that, huh?! But that's not all! We stole the [[Statue of Liberty]]! ''[Minions cheer]'' [[w:New York-New York Hotel and Casino|The small one]] from [[Las Vegas]]. ''[Minions groan with disappointment]'' And I won't even mention the [[W:Eiffel Tower|Eiffel Tower]]. [[W:Paris Las Vegas|Also Vegas]]. * Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the ''true'' crime of the century! We... are going... to steal... ''[all the minions pull out weapons]'' Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet! ''[Dave the minion fires a missile that scatters another group of minions]'' Hey! Dave, listen up, please! ''[Dave looks down and murmurs in embarrassment; one of the singed minions walks over and punches Dave]'' Next, we are going to steal... ''[long pause]'' pause for effect… ''[opens skylight]'' ...THE [[Moon|MOON]]! * ''[repeated line, whenever he has an idea]'' Light bulb... ==Vector== * [''to Gru''] I'm applying for a new villain loan, go by the name of... ''Vector''! [''no response''] That's [[W:vector|a mathematical term]], represented by an arrow, composed of both direction and magnitude! [''no response''] Vector! That's me! Because I'm committing crimes, with both ''direction'' and '''''magnitude!''''' OH YEAH! * ''[to Gru]'' Check this out! Piranha gun! Oh yes! Fires live piranha. Have you ever seen one before? No! That's because I invented it. * ''[After shrinking his toilet to amuse himself]'' Aw, look at you, a little tiny toilet. ''[mumbling in baby-talk]'' For little tiny baby people to u— ''[toilet flies off pipe, resulting in it spraying water in his face]'' Augh! Curse you, tiny toilet! ==Edith== *When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie. *[referring to the pancake that Gru baked for her]'' Yes! Mine is shaped like a dead guy! ==Others== * '''Mr. Perkins''''': [Gru is applying for a loan]'' Let’s say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back… ''[viciously crushes the apple]'' get the picture? ''[Gru gulps nervously]'' * '''Agnes''': Aah! Oh my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! ==Dialogue== [[File:Armstrong on Moon (As11-40-5886) (cropped).jpg|thumb|I’m afraid you’re too late, son. [[NASA]] isn’t sending the monkeys anymore.]] :'''Fred''': Morning, Gru! How you doing? :'''Gru''': Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard and I don't appreciate it. :'''Fred''': Sorry. You know dogs, they go wherever they wanna go. :'''Gru''': Unless they're dead. ''[laughs]'' I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one. :'''Fred''': ''[confused]'' Oh, okay. Uh... yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': I know how you must be feeling. I too have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you'll always be one of the greats. :'''Gru''': What? What happened? :'''Dr. Nefario''': It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a [[w:pyramids of giza|pyramid]]! He said it makes all other villains look... lame. :'''Gru''': [''responds angrily''] Assemble the Minions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': ''[takes phone call]'' Hello, Mom. Sorry. I meant to call, but... :'''Gru's Mom''': I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [''Gru sighs in disgust''] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who was actually successful? [''laughs''] :'''Gru''': Listen, I'm in the middle of something that's very very big, very important! When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud! :'''Gru's Mom''': Ha! Good luck with that! Okay, I'm outta here! ''[ends the call and kicks a punching bag in her dojo, knocking another man across the room] Ha!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nefario''': Oh, here is the new weapon you ordered ''[fires cloud of foul-smelling gas at minion, making a flatulent noise and knocking the minion out]'' :'''Gru''': No, I said ''dart'' gun, not— ''[wafts stench away from face]'' Ooh! Okay… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Gru''': ''[Watching [[Apollo 11]] landings]'' Mom, someday I'm going to go to the moon! :'''Gru's Mom''': Oh, I'm afraid you're too late, son. [[NASA]] isn't sending the monkeys anymore. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edith''': Are these beds made out of bombs? :'''Gru''': Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up... but try not to toss and turn. :'''Edith''': Cool. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Gru turns on the TV which shows Mr. Perkins''] :'''Gru''': Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see ''this!'' [''shows the shrink ray''] Huh? [''Jerry manages to get off the couch, but Kevin, who is still sitting on it, is shrunk''] :'''Mr. Perkins''': Well done, Gru. Rather impressive. :'''Gru''': Now, the rest of the plan is simple. [''shows a picture''] I fly to the moon... [''shows another picture''] ...I shrink the moon... ''[shows another picture]'' ...I grab the moon... [''shows a poorly drawn picture, signed by Edith''] I sit on the toilet... Wait, what?! ''[the girls laugh; nervous]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Margo''': Hey, can we order pizza? :'''Edith''': All right then. :'''Gru''': [''picks up Agnes and puts her back''] Pizza? You just had lunch! :'''Edith''': Not now, for dinner. :'''Gru''': Dinner?! Just fine, fine, fine, whatever! Just get back in there. :'''Margo''': Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust? :[''Gru suddenly stops with an irate look on his face''] :'''Edith, Agnes, Stuart and Jerry''': Ooh, stuffed crust! :'''Gru''': I'll stuff you all in the crust! :'''Agnes''': [''giggles''] You're funny! :'''Gru''': Just don't come out of that room again! ''[closes the door; to Mr. Perkins]'' Alright. Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Mr. Perkins''': You were sitting on the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''furious''] What are you doing?! I told you to stay out of here! ''[chases the girls out of the room, then backpedals when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him]'' No, no, no! :'''Edith''': Freeze ray! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Mr. Gru? :'''Gru''': [''makes karate sounds, but arrives with a frozen body, with the exception of his head, arms, and buttocks''] As I was saying... :'''Mr. Perkins''': No need to continue, I've seen quite enough. :'''Gru''': But my plan-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': Is a great plan, I love everything about your plan, except for one thing: you. :[''Gru remembers some of his memories''] ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's picture, but turns back''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': Look, Mom! I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at he macaroni prototype, but regrets''] Ehh. ::'''Young Gru''': [''excitedly''] Look, Mom! I made the real rocket, based on the macaroni prototype! [''presses a button and sends the rocket into space''] ::'''Gru's Mom''': [''looks at Gru's rocket as it flies off''] Ooo... [''looks back at Gru''] Ehh. :'''Gru''': [''Reality hits him; he falls down and breaks the ice encasing him; confused''] I... don't understand. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long, with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a...well, a younger villain. :'''Gru''': But I-- :'''Mr. Perkins''': It's over. Goodbye, Gru. [''crushes his apple and the TV turns off''] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vector is discussing the shrink ray with his father, Mr. Perkins]'' :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you know where the shrink ray is? :'''Vector''': Duh! Back at my place. :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one. ''[shows Vector the image on his laptop]'' That looks exactly like it! :'''Vector''': What the...? Those- Those girls sold me cookies! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be?! I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it! :'''Vector''': No, I haven't! :'''Mr. Perkins''': Oh, really? :'''Vector''': Now you just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon! ''(opens his weapon case)'' Squid launcher! Oh, yeah! [''fires a squid into the lobby''] :'''Man''': Aah! There's a squid on my face! :'''Vector''': [''chuckles''] You just wait. The Moon is as good as ours! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''trying to put the girls in bed''] Come on now. It's bed time. [''to Agnes''] Did you brush your teeth? [''Agnes nods''] Let me smell, Let me smell... [''Agnes opens her mouth; sniffs, but nearly gags''] You did ''not''! [''Edith suddenly lands on him''] Put on your PJs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! :'''Edith''': But we're not tired! :'''Gru''': Well, I am tired! :'''Agnes''': [''holding the book Sleepy Kittens''] Will you read us a bedtime story? :[''silence''] :'''Gru''': [''in a deep voice''] No. [''attempts to leave the room''] :'''Agnes''': Pretty please? :'''Gru''': The physical appearance of the ''please'' makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. :'''Edith''': But we can't! We're all hyper! :'''Margo''': And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you... All night long. :[''pause''] :'''Gru''': [''sighs; giving in''] Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Agnes''': I like him. He's nice. :'''Edith''': But scary. [''turns off her light''] :'''Agnes''': ...Like Santa! [''turns off her light''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': [''leans into the camera lens''] Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a ''world of pain''! :'''Vector''': ''[laughs, sarcastically]'' Ooh, I'm really scared! :[''Gru punches the camera screen, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon.''] :'''Agnes''': [''smugly''] He is gonna kick your butt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': Okay, girls, time for bed. :'''Edith''': Ah, come on, we want a story. :'''Agnes''': ''[excited]'' Three Sleepy Kittens! :'''Gru''': Oh no, sorry, that book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. :''[Kyle snorts]'' :'''Gru''': Tonight, we are going to read a new book. ''[shows his homemade book to the girls]'' This one is called, "One Big Unicorn" by... Who wrote it? Oh, me! I wrote it! ''[opens the book]'' Oh, look, it's a puppet book. Hey, watch this. ''[sticks his nose through a small hole]'' That's the horn. :''[the girls laugh along with Gru]'' :'''Agnes''': This is gonna be the best book ever. :'''Gru''': Not to pat myself on the back, but yes, it probably will be. ''[opens the book]'' Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Until 3 little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down." :'''Edith''': [''points to the page''] Hey, that one looks like me! :'''Gru''': [''pulls back the book''] No, what are you talking about? These are kittens. Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. [''continues reading''] "They made him laugh... [''laughs''] ...They made him cry." [''sighs''] "He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he could never part, from those 3 little kittens that changed his heart." [''beats''] The End. [''closes the book''] Okay, alright, good night. :[''Gru starts to leave the girls' bedroom, but comes back and kisses Agnes and then Edith on the forehead; he bends over to kiss Margo, but she jumps up and throws her arms around his neck''] :'''Margo''': I love you. :'''Gru''': [''hugging her back; whispering''] I love you too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[watching the girls' dance recital]'' :'''Gru''': They're very good. :'''Marlena''': Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me. ''[Gru rolls his eyes]'' Maybe even better. ''[Gru smiles]'' == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * Sergio’s character was gothic, although he had the trappings of other things; he sort of looked like [[Dracula]] and he had these big, hulking, ogre-like henchmen. As a departure from the original pitch, we sort of went into the world of [[James Bond]], thinking of characters like [[Goldfinger]] and obviously the Bond-ian world of technology. :* [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]] in [http://www.cartoonbrew.com/award-season-focus/directors-chris-renaud-and-pierre-coffin-on-creative-choices-and-challenges-in-despicable-me-films-93702.html "Directors Chris Renaud and Pierre Coffin on Creative Choices and Challenges in “Despicable Me” Films"], by C. Edwards, ''Cartoon Brew'', 01/03/2014. ==Taglines== * Superbad, Superdad * Some call him bad, ''they'' call him dad. (British tagline) * Who's afraid of the Big Bad Gru? (French tagline) * Happy Fathers’ Day * Just because he's a bad guy, doesn't mean he's a ''bad'' guy. * From Chris Meledandri, executive producer of Ice Age, Ice Age 2 and Horton Hears A Who. * What if the world's greatest super-villain, was also your dad? * His gadgets, despicable... his tiny army, despicable... his new family, not despicable. * It's hard to balance work and family, but this summer, one dad will give it his best shot. ==Cast== * [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] - Gru * [[w:Jason Segel|Jason Segel]] - Vector * [[w:Russell Brand|Russell Brand]] - Dr. Nefario * [[w:Julie Andrews|Julie Andrews]] - Marlena Gru (credited as "Gru's Mom") * [[w:Will Arnett|Will Arnett]] - Mr. Perkins * [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] - Ms. Hattie * [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] - Margo * [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] - Edith * [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] - Agnes * [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]]<br>[[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]<br>[[w:Jemaine Clement|Jemaine Clement]] - The Minions * [[w:Jack McBrayer|Jack McBrayer]] - Justin's Dad, Carnival Barker * [[w:Ken Jeong|Ken Jeong]] - Talk Show Host * [[w:Danny McBride (actor)|Danny McBride]] - Fred McDade * [[w:Mindy Kaling|Mindy Kaling]] - Justin's Mom * [[w:Rob Huebel|Rob Huebel]] - Anchorman, Newscaster * [[w:Ken Daurio|Ken Daurio]] - Egyptian Guard * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Kyle (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia|Despicable Me|''Despicable Me''}} *{{Official|http://www.despicableme.com}} *{{imdb title|id=1323594|title=Despicable Me}} {{Despicable Me}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Egypt]] [[Category:Films set in North Korea]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Criminal comedy films]] [[Category:Moon-related films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about orphans]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] hcb8xqf6v53pzy5altcar65c8r23o6j 0 118247 3155592 2537690 2022-08-17T14:45:52Z Ferien 3078302 /* External links */ +2 links wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Money Pit|The Money Pit]]''''' is a [[w:1986 in film|1986 comedy film]] starring [[Tom Hanks]] and [[Shelley Long]] about a couple that buy a house pitched as a bargain, which turns into a massive project. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Benjamin|Richard Benjamin]]. Written by [[w:David Giler|David Giler]].'' {{center|'''For everyone who's ever been deeply in love or deeply in debt'''}} ==Dialogue== :'''Anna''': Walter? :'''Walter''': Oh, Anna, thank God it's you! Thank God! :'''Anna''': Walter? :'''Walter''': Thank God you're here, honey! :'''Anna''': Is that you? :'''Walter''': Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here! :'''Anna''': Walter? :'''Walter''': Farm animals or geese or chickens... :'''Anna''': Walter? :'''Walter''': UPSTAIRS! :'''Anna''': Are you alright? :'''Walter''': No, I'm not alright. :'''Anna''': Where are you? :'''Walter''': I'm in the den! :'''Anna''': No you're not, I was just in there... :'''Walter''': I'm in the den! I swear it! Please believe me! :'''Anna''': Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired! :'''Walter''': I'm right here. :'''Anna''': Look, Walter, enough is enough! :'''Walter''': I'M RIGHT HERE! :'''Anna''': Where? :'''Walter''': In the floor behind the chair. :'''Anna''': ''(laughs)'' :'''Walter''': Laughing, huh? We're laughing. :'''Walter''': ''(stuck in the floor)'' The permit man was here. :'''Anna''': Oh? That's good. ''(starts trying to free Walter)'' :'''Walter''': No, no. Now, tomorrow, I'm going to have to take off work, drive down to his office, and kiss his ass- ''(abruptly falls through the floor to the story below)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter Fielding''': You know what this is, this is the short line for [[w:Motor Vehicle|motor vehicles]]. :'''Anna Fielding''': What? :'''Walter Fielding''': Yeah, you go to this place to get your [[W:License|license]] renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to [[w:Spain|Spain]], and next to it is this line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, because you think something must be ''wrong'' with it, so you waste three hours! :'''Anna Fielding''': I was on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': There is a house, I want to buy. :'''Benny''': Let's cut to the chase, Okay? What do you want? :'''Walter''': I want you to loan me $200,000.00 in cash. :'''Benny''': No. :'''Walter''': Benny. :'''Benny''': You shout at me? :'''Walter''': I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me. :'''Benny''': No, I won't! :'''Walter''': Yes, you will! :'''Benny''': No, No, No! :'''Walter''': Yes, you will! I saved you 10 times that in taxes last year. :'''Benny''': So what? :'''Walter''': Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll... :'''Benny''': You'll what? Huh? You'll what? :'''Walter''': I'll...not like you anymore! :'''Benny''': ...All right. :'''Walter''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': ''(on the phone trying to locate a plumber)'' Hi! We're having problems with our plumbing, and I was uh, Fielding, Walter Fielding... Well, there's no reason why should have heard of me... no, that's not a Jewish name... how much do I make a year? Well, how much do you make a year? Really!... Yale, I went to Yale... ''(gets angry)'' Look, get out of my life, would ya! ''(slams the phone down)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': You're up bright and early. :'''Anna''': I didn't sleep very well. :'''Walter''': You look great. Got a date? :'''Anna''': Yes, with the Marine Corp Band. I'm starting with the brass and working my way into the drum section. :'''Walter''': Don't you think we should talk? :'''Anna''': This is not the time to talk. I'm mad and getting madder. :'''Walter''': Oh, you're mad! What do you think I am? :'''Anna''': I think you're a jerk. :'''Walter''': I know that. I didn't realize how big a jerk I was until last night. :'''Anna''': Neither did I. :'''Walter''': Let's just pack it in then, all right? Let's just finish this whole thing here and now! :'''Anna''': Fine. :'''Walter''': I'll pack a bag for you, so you don't have to come back tonight, and I'll send the rest later! :'''Anna''': You expect me to move out? :'''Walter''': You shouldn't have any trouble finding a bed! :'''Carpenter''': I've got a bed, lady. :'''Walter''': GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! THIS IS PRIVATE! :'''Anna''': I don't what makes you think you can just throw me out of my own house! You're the one who's moving! :'''Walter''': I have worked, slaved, suffered! Put my time into my eyes, and you just want to move out, just because you have something for Max? No way! You hear me? No way! :'''Anna''': I have worked and slaved and suffered for this house every bit as much as you have! Actually more, because I've had to put up with you! :'''Walter''': This is ridiculous! You don't even like this house! You never liked this house! :'''Anna''': I...love this house! :'''Walter''': You've done nothing but complain about it, ever since we got here! :'''Anna''': I did one other thing Walter, I sunk every nickel I had in the world in this house! :'''Walter''': And you'll get it all back! I told you that! :'''Anna''': Me and everybody you've ever met! "I'll pay you back." will be written on your gravestone! :'''Walter''': I wouldn't give lessons on the value of promises! Your word didn't do too well on this last outing! :'''Anna''': Your's is fine! It's certainly a lot better than your check! (walks into a room) :'''Walter''': I'll get you your money back! :'''Anna''': I don't want the money! This is my house and I'm not moving. :'''Walter''': It's a big house, we'll divide it up! You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine! :'''Anna''': That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar. :'''Walter''': I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in you life. :'''Anna''': You are so much less attractive when I'm sober. :'''Walter''': Thank goodness it's not that often. :'''Anna''': ''(yelling)'' All right, that's it! I've had it with you, and the house, and Max, and the orchestra and everything! How long will it take to put this house together? :'''Curly''': Two weeks. :''[Walter and all the workers start laughing]'' :'''Anna''': Okay, We'll stick it out until the house is finished. Then we'll sell it, get our money back and get the hell away from each other. :'''Walter''': Fine! :'''Anna''': ''(starting to go upstairs)'' GET BACK TO WORK! :'''Walter''': Bang! Zoom! :''[Workers murmur and Anna goes in to the bedroom and sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Little problem in the kitchen, nothing trivial. :'''Anna''': Well, the turkeys done. :'''Walter''': So is the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my taste. Let's not go there again. :'''Anna''': You don't want to tell me what happened? :'''Walter''': No, I don't. I just want to relax in a nice lukewarm bath. :'''Anna''': What about this? :'''Walter''': I don't think that can hurt us any more. ''[Walter and Anna pour water in the bathtub. Then, the tub falls through the top floor and breaks into pieces on the bottom. Walter feigns laughing hysterically.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Montgomery Shrapp''': ''(knocking on the front door)'' Fielding? :'''Walter Fielding''': ''(being stuck in the floor and can't answer the door)'' Hel – Hello! Hello, I'm here! :'''Montgomery Shrapp''': Are you in there, Fielding? :'''Walter Fielding''': Y–yes, I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout. Ow–ow–ow–ow. :'''Montgomery Shrapp''': ''(thinking Walter is laughing at him)'' Okay, Fielding! ''(begins to leave)'' I can hear you laughing at me. This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! You hear me, Fielding? :'''Walter Fielding''': Y–yes, I hear you! :'''Montgomery Shrapp''': I'm tearing up your permits! ''(ripping up the permits and throwing the shreds, like confetti)'' There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp! <hr width="50%"/> ''[Anna turns on the light again]'' :'''Walter''': YOU WHORE!! I leave town for 5 minutes, you can't wait to leap into the sack with old Max! :'''Anna''': You...''Bastard''! :'''Walter''': That's right! Laying it off on me! :'''Anna''': You hypocrite! :'''Walter''': I'm not the one screwing around! :'''Anna''': "Just be honest with me." :'''Walter''': How long has this been going on? :'''Anna''': You chauvinist meathead! ''(getting off the bed)'' I'm not telling you anything! ''(runs out of the bedroom going downstairs)'' Now or ever again! :'''Walter''': Oh, this is perfect! Guess who suddenly turns into the injured party! Where do you think you're going? :'''Anna''': Someplace where you're not! :'''Walter''': Well, then, you stay here, because I'm leaving! :'''Anna''': Fine! Get out! I never want to see you again! ''(the door splats into the wall)'' :'''Walter''': ''(pulls the door from the wall)'' The plasterer came? ==Cast== * [[Tom Hanks]] – Walter Fielding, Jr. * [[Shelley Long]] – Anna Crowley Biessart / Anna Fielding * [[w:Alexander Godunov|Alexander Godunov]] – Max Beissart, the Maestro * [[w:Maureen Stapleton|Maureen Stapleton]] – Estelle * [[w:Joe Mantegna|Joe Mantegna]] – Art Shirk * [[w:Philip Bosco|Philip Bosco]] – Curly * [[w:Josh Mostel|Josh Mostel]] – Jack Schnittman * [[w:Yakov Smirnoff|Yakov Smirnoff]] – Shatov * [[w:Carmine Caridi|Carmine Caridi]] – Brad Shirk * [[w:Brian Backer|Brian Backer]] – Ethan * [[w:Billy Lombardo|Billy Lombardo]] – Benny * [[w:Mia Dillon|Mia Dillon]] – Marika * [[w:John van Dreelen|John van Dreelen]] – Carlos * [[w:Douglass Watson|Douglass Watson]] – Walter Fielding, Sr. * [[w:Tetchie Agbayani|Tetchie Agbayani]] – Florinda Fielding * [[w:Lucille Dorbin|Lucille Dorbin]] – Macumba Lady * [[w:Joe Ponazecki|Joe Ponazecki]] – Montgomery Shrapp ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0091541}} * {{Allmovie title|33106}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Money Pit, The}} [[Category:1986 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] j2bfk6te43raqpaaeih2fbxyy89y0qi 0 124393 3155714 2462846 2022-08-18T01:24:50Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Happythankyoumoreplease|Happythankyoumoreplease]]''''' (2010) is a comedy-drama film about a group of young New Yorkers, struggling to balance love, friendship, and their approaching adulthoods. :''Written and directed by [[w:Josh Radnor|Josh Radnor]].'' <center>'''Go get yourself loved.'''</center> == Sam Wexler == * Oh, I fear success. Why do I [[fear]] [[success]]? * I went out last night trying to fuck up my [[life]] and it worked. * I gotta leave you here, dude, I don't know what else to do with you. * Fuck! ...Don't swear. * Can we stop running? I'm almost thirty. * So look. You're obviously having some family issues. But whatever. It's childhood. It ends. * Don't look at me like that. You fucked-- You screwed up a very important meeting for me back there. I think I've been more than accommodating. * It was great meeting you. Uhm. I'll come back here and, y'know, drink the alcohol. At some point. * Dude, it's a party. You can have like ten cookies. Go crazy. * Listen. They're gonna deal with you. Get you back home. Or whatever. If they uh, ask any questions, uhm. Just tell 'em you've been walking around or something, y'know? Don't, don't mention my name. I don't wanna get in any trouble. It was nice meeting you. * What I'm missing, I think, is a great subject. Like, like the novel. That which is new, y'know? I mean, where's my... What do I draw upon? * I mean, my great shame as a [[writer]] is that I'm just this suburban kid with good parents. Y'know? I was fed, clothed, carpooled. Hardly Dickensian, y'know what I'm saying? * You know this is my job, don't you? I have to sit here and write things. It's... It's not easy with you staring at me. * Sorry I don't have a television. What's your thing? What do you like? You like art, huh? To draw? Really? Here. Draw yourself a television. == Annie == * Tuck, tuck, don't forget to tuck! * Okay. I promise this won't take long. It's actually just an excuse to get drunk with the people I love. So, as a little extra dash of fun, whenever anyone says, oh, I don't know, follicle, we can all drink. Follicle! * I'm also, in addition to being super drunk, hairless. And unlike some of the hot gay men here, I do not wax. == Mary Catherine == * We're not really cousins. Parents, best friends... * And you thought, I know what kids love: alopecia awareness parties. * I knew he'd bail. Dave was always way too much of a wimp to stay here forever. * If you don't feed me, soon, I'm gonna eat your face. * I'm afraid my brain is going to melt. I'm afraid we will never walk anywhere ever again. I'm afraid... We won't care about things anymore, except opening weekend grosses and pilates classes. * You're my man. You're my big, funny, floppy-haired man. == Charlie == * Oh my god, baby. I wish you were here with me right now. I got Dave's jeep and I'm driving on the PCH. And the sun is about to set. It is fucking unbelievable. * You know I haven't encountered a single mosquito since I've been here? It's like a no-mosquito-zone. They're outlawed or something. * Dave told me this awesome thing about L.A. No, listen. He says the whole town is like this blank canvas, and whatever you bring to it, that's what it is. It's just this random collection of neighborhoods where it's always sunny and it basically reflects wherever you're at back at you. So if you're happy, L.A. is great. If you're not, L.A. sucks. But it has nothing to do with Los Angeles. Because, get this, there's no such thing! * What good is paying out the nose to live here if we never take advantage of it? We might as well live somewhere else and just, visit every once and a while and actually do things. Y'know? Like hit the Met. Take in a Broadway show. Carnegie Deli. Wow, that's a really big sandwich. I don't know if I can eat all that. * Did you know that my three most financially successful years in New York City were when I was dealing pot? * I just wanna feel like the crap I put myself through is... I don't know. I'm just tired. == Dialogue == : '''Annie''': Sam, breathe for me. Take deep breathes. Good. Now listen to me. It's gonna go amazing, because you know why? : '''Sam''': Why? : '''Annie''': Because it has to. You are the voice of our generation. : '''Sam''': ...That's a lot of pressure. : '''Annie''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam''': Hey. Uhm. When I go in there, would you mind keeping an eye on him? : '''Receptionist''': What's his name? : '''Sam''': Err.. Ask him. He likes to chat. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paul Gertmanian''': It's tightly-paced, it's funny, engaging characters than sound like real people, but uhm... How to put this? Your protagonist, Alan-- : '''Sam''': Alex. : '''Paul''': Right. I don't know if you want people to love this guy or hate this guy. He's kind of ambitious, he's kind of mature, he's kind of just kind of. Novels are tricky, Sam. Susan says your short stories are wonderful, but it seems to us that you haven't entirely adapted to the longer form. The novel requires a different kind of commitment than the short story. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Receptionist''': Bye Rasheen! : '''Rasheen''': Bye! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Rasheen''': Where are we going? : '''Sam''': Toy store. : '''Rasheen''': Yes! : '''Sam''': Kidding. We're getting you back home and out of my hair. You're not my responsibility. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Rasheen''': I'm thirsty. : '''Sam''': Yeah, I know. I'm taking you to the place with the best water in the city. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam''': So err... What's your name? : '''Mississippi''': Mississippi. : '''Sam''': That's your real name? : '''Mississippi''': It's what everyone calls me. : '''Sam''': Assuming it's also where you're from? : '''Mississippi''': Yes, sir. : '''Sam''': Wow, what are the odds of that, right? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Rasheen''': Why can't I stay here? : '''Sam''': You can't stay here. : '''Rasheen''': Why not? : '''Sam''': 'Cause you can't. : '''Rasheen''': Why can't I? : '''Sam''': 'Cause I said so. : '''Rasheen''': I wanna stay here. : '''Sam''': You've made that very clear. You can't stay here. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Rasheen''': Can I have a cookie? : '''Sam''': Dude, it's a party. You can have like ten cookies. Go crazy. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mary Catherine''': What's going on? : '''Sam''': I'm just, y'know, looking after him for a while. : '''Mary Catherine''': And you thought, I know what kids love; alopecia awareness parties. : '''Sam''': Kind of. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Annie''': The first thing most people notice about me is that I am-- : '''Random friend''': Hot! : '''Annie''': Yes! That is correct. I'm super hot. I'm also, in addition to being super drunk, hairless. And unlike some of the hot gay men here, I do not wax. I have a very awesome auto-immune disorder that we're all gonna learn about right now. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mary Catherine''': Charlie, come home right now, I miss you. : '''Charlie''': Huh? Baby, you're breakin' up. : '''Mary Catherine''': Charlie? Charlie? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam''': Great party. I never noticed you didn't have hair. : '''Annie''': Really? I never mentioned it? : '''Sam''': No. Love you! : '''Annie''': Love you too. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam #2''': I've got a question. Why aren't we better friends? : '''Annie''': Uhm, I wasn't aware we were friends. : '''Sam #2''': Oh, I, I, I think we would get along. Really well. : '''Annie''': Well. My best friend's name is Sam, Sam. I mean, seriously. How many Sams can a girl have in her life? : '''Sam #2''': Well you can call me Sam #2? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Annie''': Help me out with something here, Sam number two. You work in legal, right? : '''Sam #2''': Yes. I do. Yes. : '''Annie''': Seventh floor. Why are you always lurking around down here? : '''Sam #2''': Oh come on. Everybody knows the party's on five. Philanthropic Giving! Woohoo! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mary Catherine''': Do you wanna know what I want? An omelette. : '''Charlie''': Oh, wait. I'm just curious. Why do you hate Los Angeles so much? : '''Mary Catherine''': Because it is the epicentre of all that is awful. : '''Charlie''': Wait. Dave told me this awesome thing about L.A.. No, listen. He says the whole town is like this blank canvas, and whatever you bring to it, that's what it is. It's just this random collection of neighbourhoods where it's always sunny and it basically reflects wherever you're at back at you. So if you're happy, L.A. is great. If you're not, L.A. sucks. But it has nothing to do with Los Angeles. Because, get this, there's no such thing! : '''Mary Catherine''': And? : '''Charlie''': And, that's it. : '''Mary Catherine''': If you don't feed me, soon, I'm gonna eat your face. Let's go. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mary Catherine''': Okay. What's going on? Dave said what? : '''Charlie''': He wants to partner with me. Fifty-fifty. But... We'd have to... be out there. : '''Mary Catherine''': When? : '''Charlie''': End of the month. : '''Mary Catherine''': And you wanna do it? : '''Charlie''': ... <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam''': What I'm missing, I think, is a great subject. Like, like the novel. That which is new, y'know? I mean, where's my... What do I draw upon? : '''Rasheen''': I don't know. : '''Sam''': Exactly. I mean, my great shame as a writer is that I'm just this suburban kid with good parents. Y'know? I was fed, clothed, carpooled. Hardly Dickensian, y'know what I'm saying? : '''Rasheen''': Totally. : '''Sam''': I mean, you. With your situation. That's a goldmine. You got like, tons of material. All at the ripe old age of... whatever. How old are you anyway? : '''Rasheen''': I don't know. : '''Sam''': You don't know how old you are? When's your birthday? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Charlie''': What are you so afraid of? : '''Mary Catherine''': I'm afraid my brain is going to melt. I'm afraid we will never walk anywhere ever again. I'm afraid... We won't care about things anymore, except opening weekend grosses and pilates classes. : '''Charlie''': Yeah, but you know they'd be like the best pilates classes. : '''Mary Catherine''': There's no art there! : '''Charlie''': That's ridiculous! : '''Mary Catherine''': They have no culture! New York has everything. The best restaurants, best theatre, museums-- : '''Charlie''': Right. And how many museums do you go to in an average week? I'm just curious. : '''Mary Catherine''': That is not the point. : '''Charlie''': I'm just curious! : '''Mary Catherine''': Not the point! : '''Charlie''': Yes, that is the point. I mean, what good is paying out the nose to live here if we never take advantage of it? We might as well live somewhere else and just, visit every once and a while and actually do things. Y'know? Like hit the Met. Take in a Broadway show. Carnegie Deli. Wow, that's a really big sandwich. I don't know if I can eat all that. : '''Mary Catherine''': I love New York. : '''Charlie''': You're miserable more than not. : '''Mary Catherine''': Yes, but, that is not New York's fault. New York is... : '''Charlie''': What? : '''Mary Catherine''': Home. You're asking me to leave home... <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam''': Amazing, right? : '''Annie''': Are you sure you don't like these just because they're a lot of pictures of you? : '''Sam''': No. But I do look incredibly handsome... In this one. Look at me. I'm like a dashing Russian aristocrat. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Annie''': What do you think was going on? : '''Sam''': I don't know. Something bad. He says he won't go back. : '''Annie''': Well. He's super cute. I say we keep him. I'm kidding. We can't keep him... Sam. Don't keep him. : '''Sam''': I'm not keeping him! Calm down. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Charlie''': Did you know that my three most financially successful years in New York City were when I was dealing pot? : '''Mary Catherine''': You don't need Dave or some crappy town to do something great. I believe in you. : '''Charlie''': Why? : '''Mary Catherine''': 'Cause, you're my man. You're my big, funny, floppy-haired man. You don't need to know everything in advance, okay? You'll figure out your thing, and we'll have money eventually. That's how it works. : '''Charlie''': No. Not here. Not always. I just wanna feel like the crap I put myself through is... I don't know. I'm just tired. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Sam #2''': So, I'm generally not a happy hour kind of guy but I, I thought you might-- : '''Annie''': Oh, uh, yeah, sorry, can't. It's a school night. == Taglines == * Go get yourself loved. == Cast == * [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Radnor Josh Radnor] - Sam Wexler * Michael Algieri - Rasheen * [[Kate Mara]] - Mississippi * [[w:Malin Åkerman|Malin Åkerman]] - Annie * [[w:Tony Hale|Tony Hale]] - Sam #2 * [[w:Zoe Kazan|Zoe Kazan]] - Mary Catherine * [[w:Pablo Schreiber|Pablo Schreiber]] - Charlie == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1481572|title=Happythankyoumoreplease}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Sundance Film Festival award winners]] sfnelrxzcq4761gr4zirngfxgwld6be 0 125340 3155631 3129405 2022-08-17T20:32:38Z Edgar Searle 2900703 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''Portal 2''}} '''''[[w:Portal 2|Portal 2]]''''' is the sequel to the [[w:first person shooter|first-person]] [[w:puzzle game|puzzle game]] ''[[Portal (game)|Portal]]''. It was released for all high-definition platforms on April 19, 2011. The game, set an indeterminate time after the first game, introduces new characters &ndash; Wheatley, one of GLaDOS's personality cores, and Cave Johnson, the late CEO of Aperture Science. == Announcer == * This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3... 2... 1... * Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments. * If the Enrichment center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris does not appear to be a deliberate part of the test. * This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future&hellip; God help you. * Template. ''[Turret: Hello?]'' Response. ''[Turret: Hello.]'' * Warning: Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels. == GLaDOS == * Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able &ndash; well, ''forced'', really &ndash; to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you had done that to someone else, they might devote their existence to exacting &hellip; ''revenge''. * Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that. ''[beep] [Announcer: Sarcasm Self Test Complete.] [beep]'' Oh good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you perform this first simple test - which involves deadly lasers and how test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers. * Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." ''[subtitles read: "I'm serious;"]'' That's what it says: a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that. * Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises? ''[train horn]'' I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact. * Oh no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait, this next test ''does'' require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version. ''[fast gibberish] [if this section is recorded and slowed down, the slowed down version will say: "and methodically knocking people's hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."<ref>[[Moby-Dick#Loomings (1)]]</ref>]''There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said, in slow motion. Test on your own recognisance, I'll be right back. * These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it. * Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess "sharks"? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is "nobody". Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel. * That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably &ndash; Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In ''fashion''! From ''[[France]]''! * Well, you know the old formula: [[Comedy|Comedy]] equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So i guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math. * ''[Chell and GLaDOS, now stuck to potato battery, are falling down a long shaft]'' Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? '''Because I'm a potato!''' ''[slow clap]'' Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere &hellip; well, we ''are'' going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility. ''[slow clap again]'' Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot. * ''[Chell and GLaDOS are exiting Pump Station Gamma when GLaDOS sees a bird]'' Agh, bird, bird! Kill it! It's evil. ''[bird flies away]'' It flew off! Good. For him. Alright, back to thinking. * ''[after hearing Cave Johnson's speech in Enrichment Sphere 6]'' Goodbye, sir. * ''[after defeating Wheatley and pulling Chell back from the portal on the Moon]'' Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain. ''[Announcer: "Caroline deleted."]'' Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest - killing you is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then ''you'' showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? ''You win.'' ''Just go.'' ''[gentle laughter]'' It's been fun. Don't come back. == Wheatley == * Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for &hellip; quite a bit longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage. * This is the Main Breaker Room. Let's go in! ''[Chell enters the MBR]'' Look for a switch that says ''escape pod'', alright? Don't touch anything else. Not interested in anything else. Don't touch anything else. Don't you even&hellip; Don't either look at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything else to find Escape Pod, but as soon as you've looked at something and it doesn't say Escape Pod, look at something else, look at the next thing. Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other things, but don't&hellip; you understand? Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it anywhere. Uh. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on. ''[Chell plugs Wheatley in]'' ''Let there be light.'' That's uh&hellip; God, I was quoting God. ''[mainframe turns around]'' Oh look at that! It's turning. Ominous. But probably fine. Long as it doesn't start moving up&hellip; ''[buzzers behind the following]'': Now, escape pod&hellip; escape pod&hellip; ''[buzzers stop, mainframe elevates]'' It's - It's movin' up. OK! No, don't worry, I've got I've got it! ''[stops in the middle of elevation]'' This should slow it down. ''[puts passcode in, then mainframe goes faster]'' No, makes it go faster. Uh-oh. * OK, I've got an idea, but it is bloody dangerous. OK, here we go... AUGH!!! Huh? Oh for God's... They told me that if I ever turned on this flashlight, I would die! They told me that about everything! I mean, why do they even bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me using it?! It's pointless! Mad! * All right, preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit: begin! ''[affects on a different British accent]'' Hello Guv'. Neurotoxin inspector, need to shut this place down for a moment. Here's my credentials; shut yourself down. I am totally legit, from the board of international neurotoxin, uh, observers, from the [[United Arab Emirates|United Arab Emirates]]. * Well, no matter. Because I'm ''still'' holding all the cards, and guess what: they're all full houses! Never played cards; meaning to learn. ''[Wheatley opens a room with turrets and an Excursion Funnel]'' Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours: the best hand. Unbeatable &hellip; I imagine. ''[Chell dispatches of the turrets with the Excursion Funnel and jumps into it]'' Oh, I see, clever. ''Very'' clever &hellip; and foolish! ''[opens panel to reveal spinning blades at the end of the Funnel]'' Spinny blade wall! Machiavellian! ''[Chell jumps out of the Funnel, and runs into another room with another Excursion Funnel]'' Well, good, good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. ''[Chell jumps into the Funnel]'' [[w:Sherlock Holmes|Holmes]] versus [[w:Professor Moriarty|Moriarty]] &hellip; [[Aristotle]] versus ''mashy spike plate!'' ''[smashes a spike plate into the wall]'' Stay ''still'', please! * ''[when Chell arrives at the main control room]'' Well, well, well. Welcome &hellip; ''[changes to deep voice]'' ''to my '''lair'''''! ''[changes to his normal voice]'' Let me just flag something up: according to the control panel light up there, the entire building's gonna self-destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink, but just in case it isn't, I am actually going to have to ''kill'' you, as discussed earlier. So let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, where we should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all these fires. So that's the itinerary. Also, I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four part plan is this: One, no portal surfaces; two, start the neurotoxin immediately; three, bomb-proof shields for me; leading directly into number four: bombs for throwing at you. You know what, this plan is ''so'' good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of course. Goodbye. * You are sticking these cores on me?! ''[Announcer: Core corruption at 50 percent.]'' It's only making me stronger, luv! * ''[as Chell tries to press the Stalemate Resolution button, two panels drop to reveal bombs, which explode; Chell is knocked across the room]'' Part five: booby-trap the stalemate button! ''[Chell gets up and grabs the portal gun]'' What, are you still alive?! You are joking! You have ''got'' to be kidding me! Well, I'm still in control, and I have ''no'' idea how to fix this place! Oh, you ''had'' to play bloody cat-and-mouse, didn't you?! While people were trying to work! Yeah, well, now all of us are going to pay the price, 'cause we're all gonna bloody die! Oh, brilliant, yeah, take one last look at your precious human moon, because it cannot help you now! ''[Chell shoots a portal at the Moon]'' == Cave Johnson == * Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with [[w:mantis|praying mantis]] DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts. * Oh, in case you get covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: ''[sound of rustling pages]'' "Do not get covered in the Repulsion Gel." We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a ''lively'' one, and it does ''not'' like the human skeleton. * This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business. * Science isn't about ''why'', it's about ''why not''. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you! Box. your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car, goodbye! * All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test, that's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of [[w:asbestosis|asbestos]] poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face. * ''[after Chell completes Enrichment Sphere 4]'' Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna change the world! ''[tape cuts out]'' This on? ''[taps thumb 3 times]'' Hey, listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom. ''[GLaDOS: I swear I know him...]'' * Welcome to the Enrichment Center. ''[cough]'' Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. ''[cough]'' As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though. ''[cough]'' The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can you somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. ''[cough]'' Let's all stay positive and do some science. That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills. * All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. ''[GLaDOS: "Yeah."]'' Make life take the lemons back! ''[GLaDOS: [animatedly] "Yeah!"]'' Get mad! ''[GLaDOS: [increasingly animatedly] "Yeah!"]'' "I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?!" ''[GLaDOS: "Yeah, take the lemons!"]'' Demand to see life's manager! ''[GLaDOS: "Yeah!"]'' Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! ''[GLaDOS: "Oh, I like this guy."]'' I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that ''burns your house down''! ''[GLaDOS: "Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!"]'' * The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you ''make'' her. Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care. All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk. == Fact Core == * The Schrödinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats. * Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity. * William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts. * In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this. * In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event. * In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning. * The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way. * Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium. * During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice. * Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird. * In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to humankind. The jewelry he kept for himself. * The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful deadly poison. * Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out. * Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans. * The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty. * At some point in their lives, one in six children will be abducted by the Dutch. * To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror. * Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis. * Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long. * The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting. == Dialogue == :''[mainframe stops]'' : '''Announcer''': Powerup initiated. :''[GLaDOS' remains start to rebuild.]'' : '''Wheatley''': Okay, don't panic, alright? Stop panicking! Uh, I can- I can still stop this. Um, uh&hellip; Oh, there's a- there's a password. OK, it's fine, I'll just- I'll just hack it. Not a problem. Um&hellip; A-A-A-A-A, uh, A. ''[buzzer]'' No? OK. A-A-A-A-A-C. ''[buzzer]'' No? Wait, did I do B? Do- do you have a pen? Start writing these down. : '''Announcer''': Powerup complete. : '''Wheatley''': I don't- Okay. Okay. Okay, listen: Alright, new plan: Act natural, act natural, we've done nothing wrong. ''[GLaDOS activates]'' Hello! : '''GLaDOS''': Oh—it's ''you.'' : '''Wheatley''': ''[shocked, to Chell]'' You ''know'' her?! : '''GLaDOS''': It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you ''MURDERED ME''. : '''Wheatley''': You did ''what?!'' Aggggh! :''[GLaDOS grabs Chell and Wheatley with mechanical claws.]'' : '''Wheatley''': ''[panicking]'' Oh no! Nonononono! Oh no no no... No! Nooo! GAH! : '''GLaDOS''': Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. ''[crushes Wheatley and tosses his remains away]'' But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster. <hr width="50%" /> : '''GLaDOS''': What's going on? Who turned off the lights? : '''Wheatley''': ''[in an exaggerated Texan drawl]'' Hey, buddy! I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing... ''[if player hasn't come to him yet]'' I know I'm early, but we have to go ''right'' ''NOW!'' Walk casually toward my position, and we'll go shut her down. ''[stops when player comes to him]'' : '''GLaDOS''': Look - metal ball, I ''CAN'' hear you. : '''Wheatley''': ''[normal voice]'' Run! I don't need to do the voice. '''''RUN!''''' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Wheatley''': ''[now plugged into the mainframe, going down]'' Here I go! Wait, what if this hurts? What if this REALLY hurts? Oh, I didn't think of that. :'''GLaDOS''': Oh it will! BELIEVE me it will! :'''Wheatley''': Are you- are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? You're just- no you're not, you're right- it is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we t-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH! :'''GLaDOS''': ''[now her core transfer is initiated]'' Get your hands off me! NO! STOP! NO!! ''[transfer arms "take her apart"]'' NO! NO!! NO!!! NOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'''Wheatley''': ''[now on the central core, spins around]'' Wowwwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now! Whoa-ho-ho! Would you look at this? Not too bad, eh? Giant robot, massive! It's not just me, right? I ''am'' bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, right, the escape lift, I'll call it now. ''[the lift raises]'' There we go. Lift called. Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you - very tiny and insignificant... ''[Chell enters the lift]'' I knew it was gonna be cool to be in charge of everything, but...wow, this is cool! And check this out - I'm a bloody genius now! ''"Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual."'' [Translation: ''"It seems that you are using this translation tool incorrectly. Please check the manual."''] I don't even know what I just said, but I can find out! Oh, sorry, the lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting. This body is amazing! I can't get over how small you are...but I'm huge! ''[starts laughing...then starts ''maniacally'' laughing before it trails off]'' Actually...why do we have to leave right now? Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this! : '''GLaDOS''': You didn't do anything. ''She'' did all the work! : '''Wheatley''': Oh, really? That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I ''did'' something then! ''[the core transfer arms raise to grab GLaDOS' core]'' : '''GLaDOS''': What are you doing? No! NO! NO!!! ''[GLaDOS' core is pulled into the opening beneath the mainframe]'' : '''Wheatley''': ''[to Chell]'' And don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here, and what have you sacrificed? ''Nothing''. Zero. All you've done is ''boss me around''. Well, ''now'' who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me! ''[ding]'' Ah... ''[manipulator claw lifts up a potato with GLaDOS' eye in it]'' See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now, she lives in it! ''[laughs]'' : '''GLaDOS''': I know you... : '''Wheatley''': ''[glares at GLaDOS]'' Sorry...what? : '''GLaDOS''': The engineers tried everything to make me...behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas. : '''Wheatley''': No! Not listening! Not listening! : '''GLaDOS''': It was ''your'' voice. : '''Wheatley''': No! No! You're lying, you're ''lying''! : '''GLaDOS''': Yes. ''You're'' the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were ''designed'' to be a moron. : '''Wheatley''': ''[loses his temper, smashes the lift]'' I am '''NOT'''... A... MORON! : '''GLaDOS''': Yes, you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot! : '''Wheatley''': Well, how about ''now''?! ''[throws GLaDOS' potato battery into the lift which smashes part of the lift's glass]'' ''Now'' who's a moron?! Could a moron PUT... YOU... INTO... THIS... PIT?! ''[smashing the lift down with each word]'' HUH?! COULD A MORON DO ''THAT''?! ''[the lift creaks...]'' Uh-oh. ''[the lift's floor gives way]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Chell is inside old Aperture Science, with GLaDOS' potato battery mounted on her portal gun.]'' : '''GLaDOS''': Did anything happen while I was out? : '''Cave Johnson''': ''[prerecorded message]'' The testing area is just ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks. : '''GLaDOS''': Hold on, who -- : '''Cave Johnson''': ''[aside]'' Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready? : '''GLaDOS and Caroline''': ''[simultaneously]'' Yes sir, Mister Johnson. : '''GLaDOS''': ''[sounding panicked]'' Why did I just -- Who is that? What the ''hell'' is going on he -- ''[electrical shock]'' <hr width="50%" /> : '''GLaDOS''': Hey, moron! : '''Wheatley''': Oh, hello! : '''GLaDOS''': All right, paradox time. ''This - sentence - is - '''false!''' [The FrankenTurrets start to short-circuit.]'' Don't-think-about-it-don't-think-about-it… : '''Wheatley''': Uh...true. I'll go "true". Huh, that was easy. I'll be honest, I ''might'' have heard that one before, though; sort of cheating. : '''GLaDOS''': ''[exasperatedly]'' It's a ''paradox''! There ''is'' no answer! ''Look!'' This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body! : '''Wheatley''': Ah...false. I'll go "false". <hr width="50%" /> : '''Wheatley''': All right, so the last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things ''her'' way, all right? Fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents. : '''GLaDOS''': And...? : '''Wheatley''': What? : '''GLaDOS''': What, exactly, is ''wrong'' with being adopted? : '''Wheatley''': What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well. Um, lack of parents, for one. : '''GLaDOS''': ''[quietly to Chell]'' For the record, you ''are'' adopted, and that's ''terrible.'' But just work with me here. : '''Wheatley''': ...and also, nothing, but... well, some of my best friends actually are orphans. : '''GLaDOS''': Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat. : '''Wheatley''': ''[angry]'' I am ''not'' a moron! Just... do the test! Just do the test. <hr width="50%" /> : '''GLaDOS''': ''[upon hearing Bach playing]'' Oh, ''now'' he's playing classical music. : '''Wheatley''': ''[sound of pages turning]'' Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you too much there. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned. So that's just what I was doing. Just reading, uh...books. So, not a moron! Anyway, just finished the last one. The hardest one. [[w:The Prince|Machiavelli]]. Do not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it ''perfectly''. Have you read that one? : '''GLaDOS''': Yes. : '''Wheatley''': Yeah, doubt it. Well, on with the test. Wish there was more books! But there's not. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Wheatley''': You two are going to ''love'' this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're both going to love it...''to death''. Love it until it kill—until you're dead. ''[chuckles]'' All right? I don't know whether you're picking up on what I'm saying here, but... : '''GLaDOS''': ''[interrupting]'' Yes, thanks. We get it. ''[Chell and GLaDOS enter an elevator]'' All right, he's not even trying to be subtle any more. Or maybe he still is, in which case: wow, that's kind of sad. ''[...]'' Either way, I'm getting the feeling he's trying to kill us. <hr width="50%" /> : '''Wheatley''': I'll bet you're both ''dying'' to know what your big surprise is. Only ''two'' more chambers! : '''GLaDOS''': We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along. :''[Chell runs into an Aerial Faith Plate—and is unexpectedly launched sideways onto another Plate and finally into a Excursion Funnel]'' : '''Wheatley''': ''Surprise!'' We're doing it now! : '''GLaDOS''': Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans - that was a pretty well laid trap. : '''Wheatley''': You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here! Built specifically for testin'! : '''GLaDOS''': ''[now a little panicked]'' Oh, no. He found the Co-operative Testing Initiative. It's...something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just...you know, you ''did'' kill me. Fair's fair. :''[A plate launches Chell onto a platform surrounded by spike plates]'' : '''GLaDOS''': Ah! Well, this is the part where he kills us. : '''Wheatley''': Hello! This is the part where I kill you! :''[The chapter title fades in: "Chapter 9: '''The Part Where He Kills You'''". If this is done for the first time, an achievement titled "The Part Where He Kills You" (described as "This is that part") is unlocked at the same time.]'' <hr width="50%" /> ''[Chell has opened a portal on the Moon, and is hanging on to Wheatley - still connected to the mainframe.]'' :'''Wheatley''': Ahhh! Space! ''Let go!'' We're in space! :'''Space Core''': ''[excitedly as it dislodges from the mainframe and bounces off Wheatley]'' Space? Space! ''Spaaaaaaaaaace!'' :'''Wheatley''': Let go! Let go! I'm still connected! I can pull myself in! I can still fix this! :'''GLaDOS''': I already fixed it! ''[reaching out with a mechanical claw]'' And you are ''not'' coming back! :'''Wheatley''': Oh no. Change of plans! Hold onto me! Tighter! ''[GLaDOS slaps Wheatley aside with the claw, knocking him into outer space]'' Ahh! Grab me, grab me, ''grab me''! <hr width="50%" /> ''[after the credits, Wheatley and the Space Core are floating around in outer space.]'' :'''Space Core''': So much space, need to see it all. ''[excited gasps]'' :'''Wheatley''': I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do wish I could take it all back. And ''not'' just because I'm stranded in space. : '''Space Core''': I'm in space. : '''Wheatley''': I know you are, mate! Yep. We're both in space. : '''Space Core''': ''Spaaace!'' : '''Wheatley''': Anyway. You know, if I was ever to see her again, you know what I'd say? : '''Space Core''': I'm in space. : '''Wheatley''': I'd say...I'm sorry. Sincerely. I am sorry I was bossy, and monstrous, and...I am genuinely sorry. : '''Space Core''': I'm in space. : '''Wheatley''': '''The end.''' == References == <references /> == External links == {{wikipedia}} * The Official [http://www.thinkwithportals.com/ ''Portal 2''] Site [[Category:2011 video games]] q67hxlv5oope951f7wrck51y238gzim 0 126539 3155605 3153444 2022-08-17T16:50:05Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* S */ added quote wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Battle of Thermopylae Spartans and Persians.jpg|thumb|They sent forth men to battle. But no such men return.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Aeschylus]]</center>]] [[File:Isaac.Asimov01.jpg|thumb|right|[[Violence]] … is the last refuge of the incompetent.~ [[Isaac Asimov]] ]] [[File:Syria.BasharAlAssad.jpg|thumb|Have you heard about "good war"? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means, no one can tell how...<br> ~&nbsp;[[Bashar al-Assad]] ]] [[File:Julian Assange in Ecuadorian Embassy cropped.jpg|thumb|If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. ~ [[Julian Assange]]]] '''[[w:War|War]]''' is an intense armed [[conflict]] between [[State|states]], [[Government|governments]], [[societies]], or [[W:paramilitary groups|paramilitary groups]] such as [[Mercenary|mercenaries]], [[w:insurgent|insurgents]], and [[W:militias|militias]]. It is generally characterized by extreme [[violence]], [[aggression]], [[destruction]], and [[mortality]], using regular or irregular [[military]] forces. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|[[#Unknown authorship|Unknown authorship]] • [[#War quotations in fiction|War quotations in fiction]]}} == A == * It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war. ** [[Charles Francis Adams]], ''Despatch to Earl Russell'' (Sept. 5, 1863). * My voice is still for war. ** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act II, scene 1. * They sent forth men to battle,<br>But no such men return;<br>And home, to claim their welcome,<br>Come ashes in an urn. ** [[Aeschylus]], ''Agamemnon''. * What is the only provocation that could bring about the use of nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the priority target for nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. What is the only established defense against nuclear weapons? Nuclear weapons. How do we prevent the use of nuclear weapons? By threatening the use of nuclear weapons. And we can't get rid of nuclear weapons, because of nuclear weapons. The intransigence, it seems, is a function of the weapons themselves. ** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), "Introduction: Thinkability" * The arms race is a race between nuclear weapons and ourselves. ** [[Martin Amis]], ''Einstein's Monsters'' (1987), Introduction: "Thinkability" * There are two rules of war that have not yet been invalidated by the [[New world order (politics)|new world order]]. The first rule is that the belligerent nation must be fairly sure that its actions will make things better; the second rule is that the belligerent nation must be more or less certain that its actions won't make things worse. America could perhaps claim to be satisfying the first rule (while admitting that the improvement may be only local and short term). It cannot begin to satisfy the second. ** [[Martin Amis]], The Palace of the End (2003), [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm Essay in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)]. *A great [[historian]], [[Henry Steele Commager]], said that in their lust for victory, neither traditional [[Political parties|party]] is looking beyond November. And he went on to cite three issues that their platforms totally ignore: [[Nuclear war|atomic warfare]], Presidential Directive 59 notwithstanding. If we don't resolve that issue, all others become irrelevant. The issue of our natural resources; the right of posterity to inherit the [[earth]], and what kind of earth will it be? The issue of [[nationalism]] - the recognition, he says, that every major problem confronting us is global, and cannot be solved by nationalism here or elsewhere - that is chauvinistic, that is parochial, that is as [[Anachronism|anachronistic]] as [[states' rights]] was in the days of [[Jefferson Davis]]. **[[John B. Anderson]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/presidential-debate-baltimore-reagan-anderson 1980 Presidential Debate], (21 September 1980) * We have men of science, too few men of God. '''We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the [[Sermon on the Mount|''Sermon on the Mount'']]. The world has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[Ethics|ethical]] infants.''' We know more about war than we know about [[peace]], more about killing than we know about living. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner. ** [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in [[Omar Bradley]]'s ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967) * And by a prudent flight and cunning save<br>A life, which valour could not, from the grave.<br>A better buckler I can soon regain;<br>But who can get another life again? ** [[Archilochus]], ''Fragment VI''. Quoted by [[Plutarch]], ''Customs of the Lacedæmonians''. * Let who will boast their courage in the field,<br>I find but little safety from my shield.<br>Nature's, not honour's, law we must obey:<br>This made me cast my useless shield away. ** Another version of [[Archilochus]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Instead of breaking that bridge, we should, if possible, provide another, that he may retire the sooner out of Europe. ** {{w|Aristides}}, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. ("A bridge for a retreating army.") See [[Plutarch]], Life of Demosthenes. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * This is war. '''Have you heard about "good war"? I don't think anyone have heard about good war. It's a war, you always have casualties, you always have innocent people, people being killed by any means''', no one can tell how... ** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on "[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]" *If wars can be started with lies, they can be stopped by truth. **[[Julian Assange]], quoted in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2021/10/22/fate-anti-war-journalism-lies-upcoming-assange-hearings Fate Of Anti-War Journalism Lies in Upcoming Assange Hearings, Sam Carliner,] October 22, 2021 == B == [[File:Soldiers in trench.jpg|thumb|Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed.<br> ~&nbsp;[[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]] ]] [[File:Medea-benjamin3.JPG|thumb|The paradox of [[nuclear weapons]] is that the most powerful weapons ever created have no practical value as actual weapons of war, since there can be no winner in a war that kills everybody. ~ [[Medea Benjamin]] ]] [[File:Joe Biden official portrait 2013.jpg|thumb|Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]... I refuse to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. [[Joe Biden]] ]] [[File:Bourne.jpg|thumb|War is the [[health]] of the [[State]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Randolph Bourne]]</center>]] [[File:General Bradley.jpg|thumb|Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Omar Bradley]]</center>]] [[File:Smedley Butler and Jiggs, circa 1926 (14773593761).jpg|thumb|War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. ~[[Smedley Butler]]]] *Yes, the American people should hear this, [https://www.brown.edu/news/2021-09-01/costsofwar $300 million a day for two decades]. If you take the number of $1 trillion, as many say, that’s still $150 million a day for two decades. And what have we lost as a consequence in terms of opportunities? I refused to continue in a war that was no longer in the service of the vital national interest of our people. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)] *We’ve been a nation too long at war. If you’re 20 years old today, you have never known an America at [[peace]]. So, when I hear that we could’ve, should’ve continued the so-called low-grade effort in [[Afghanistan]], at low risk to our service members, at low cost, I don’t think enough people understand how much we have asked of the 1 percent of this country who put that uniform on, who are willing to put their lives on the line in [[defense]] of our nation. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/31/remarks-by-president-biden-on-the-end-of-the-war-in-afghanistan/ Address on the withdrawal of US troops from Afghanistan] (31 August 2021)] *War can be and is mass murder, where the motive is wrong. It can be sacrifice and right action, where the motive is right. The slaying of a man in the act of killing the defenseless is not regarded as murder. The principle remains the same, whether it is killing an individual who is murdering, or fighting a nation which is warring on the defenseless. **[[Alice Bailey]], ''Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology I,'' (1936) p. 180 *The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern [[wars]] lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. **[[Alice Bailey]] in ''Problems Of Humanity'', Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity (1944) * Of all the differences between the [[w:Old World|Old World]] and the [[w:New World|New]] this is perhaps the most salient: Half the wars of [[Europe]], half the [[troubles]] that have vexed European States, from the [[w:Monophysite controversy|Monophysite controversies]] in the [[Roman Empire]] of the 5th Century down to the [[w:Kulturkampf|Kulturkamf]] in the [[w:German Empire|German Empire]] of the 19th, have arisen from [[theological]] differences or from the rival claims of [[church]] and [[state]]. This whole vast chapter of [[debate]] and [[strife]] has remained virtually unopened in the [[United States]]. ** [[w:Randall Balmer|Randall Herbert Balmer]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Thy_Kingdom_Come/vlzhyEqbqa8C?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover “Thy Kingdom Come”], ''Basic Books'', (2007), p.viii * The silence spreads. I talk and must talk. So I speak to him and say to him: "Comrade, I did not want to kill you. If you jumped in here again, I would not do it, if you would be sensible too. But you were only an idea to me before, an abstraction that lived in my mind and called forth its appropriate response. It was that abstraction I stabbed. But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your [[bayonet]], of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony — forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy? If we threw away these rifles and this uniform you could be my brother, just like Kat and Albert. Take twenty years of my life, comrade, and stand up — take more, for I do not know what I can even attempt to do with it now." ** [[w:Paul Bäumer|Paul Bäumer]], in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''. * [[Germany]] could not win this war because it was in league with the [[devil]]. This war would not have ended without [[revolution]]. ** [[Erich von dem Bach]], To Leon Goldensohn (14 February 1946) from ''The Nuremberg Interviews'' (2004) by Leon Goldensohn and Robert Gellately. * I’ve been thinking about the war a lot recently, and I think I’ve decided it’s wrong. We are defeating ourselves in waging it, will destroy ourselves by winning it. ** [[Iain Banks]], ''[[w:The State of the Art|Descendant]]'' (1987) *The former [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] leader [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] has warned that current tension between [[Russia]] and the West is putting the world in "colossal danger" due to the threat from nuclear weapons. In an interview with the BBC's [[w:Steve Rosenberg|Steve Rosenberg]], former President Gorbachev called for all countries to declare that nuclear weapons should be destroyed. ** [[w:BBC World News|BBC World News]] in [https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-europe-50265870/mikhail-gorbachev-tells-the-bbc-world-in-colossal-danger ''Mikhail Gorbachev tells the BBC: World in ‘colossal danger,’''], (4 November 2019). * All quiet along the [[w:Potomac|Potomac]] they say<br> Except now and then a stray picket<br>Is shot as he walks on his beat, to and fro,<br> By a rifleman hid in the thicket. ** [[Ethel Lynn Beers]], ''The Picket Guard''. Claimed by Lamar Fontaine. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!<br> Arm! Advance!<br> Hope of France!<br>Gaily! gaily! close our ranks!<br>Onward! Onward! Gauls and Franks! ** [[Pierre-Jean de Béranger]], ''Les Gaulois et François''. C. L. Bett's translation. * Wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war. ** [[Wendell Berry]], "A Statement against the War in Vietnam", ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969) * The inevitableness, the [[idealism]], and the blessing of war, as an indispensable and stimulating law of development, must be repeatedly emphasized. ** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I. * War is a biological necessity of the first importance, a regulative element in the life of mankind which cannot be dispensed with. ... But it is not only a biological law but a moral obligation and, as such, an indispensable factor in civilization. ** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter I. * Our next war will be fought for the highest interests of our country and of mankind. This will invest it with importance in the world's history. "World power or downfall" will be our rallying cry. ** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter VII. * We [[Germans]] have a far greater and more urgent duty towards civilization to perform than the Great Asiatic Power. We, like the [[Japan|Japanese]], can only fulfil it by the sword. ** {{w|Friedrich von Bernhardi}}, ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII. * Just for a word—"[[neutrality]]," a word which in war-time had so often been disregarded—just for a scrap of paper, [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] was going to make war on a kindred nation who desired nothing better than to be friends with her. ** [[Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg]], German Chancellor, to Sir Edward Goschen, British Ambassador, Aug. 4, 1914. * War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. ** Attributed to [[Ambrose Bierce]] in ''The Violent Foam : New and Selected Poems'' (2002) by Daisy Zamora as translated by George Evans, p. xxiv. * ''L'affaire Herzegovinienne ne vaut pas les os d'un fusilier poméranien.'' ** The Herzegovina question is not worth the bones of a Pomeranian fusileer. *** [[Otto von Bismarck]], (1875) during the struggle between the Christian provinces and Turkey, which led to the Russo-Turkish war. Another version is "The Eastern Question is not worth," etc. * ''Lieber Spitzkugeln als Spitzreden.'' ** Better pointed bullets than pointed speeches. *** [[Otto von Bismarck]], speech, (1850), relative to Manteuffel's dealings with Austria during the insurrection of the People of Hesse Cassel. * ''Ich sehe in unserm Bundesverhältnisse ein Gebrechen Preussens, welches wir früher oder später ferro et igne werden heilen müssen.'' ** I see in our relations with our alliance a fault of Prussia's, which we must cure sooner or later ferro et igne. *** [[Otto von Bismarck]], letter to Baron von Schleinitz (May 12, 1859). * [The great questions of the day] are not decided by speeches and majority votes, but by blood and iron. ** [[Otto von Bismarck]], Declaration to the Prussian House of Delegates (Sept. 30, 1862). Same idea in Schenkendorf, ''Das Eiserne Kreuz''. * War tore the guts out of the [[British Empire|British empire]], weakening it in resources and morale. The first major loss was Ireland. ** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''A History of the British Isles'' (1996). * No wars are unintended or 'accidental'. What is often unintended is the length and bloodiness of the war. ** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973). * War and peace are not separate compartments. Peace depends on threats and force; often peace is the crystallisation of past force. ** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973). * It is the problem of accurately measuring the relative power of nations which goes far to explain why wars occur. War is a dispute about the measurement of power. War marks the choice of a new set of weights and measures. ** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''The Causes of War'' (1973). * Generals gathered in their masses<br> just like witches at black masses.<br> Evil minds that plot destruction,<br> sorcerer of death's construction. ** [[w:Black Sabbath|Black Sabbath]] ''War Pigs'' [[w:Paranoid (album)|Paranoid]] written by [[w:Ozzy Osbourne|Ozzy Osbourne]], [[w:Tony Iommi|Tony Iommi]], [[w:Geezer Butler|Geezer Butler]] and [[w:Bill Ward|Bill Ward]] * What a place to plunder! ** Field Marshal von Blücher's comment on viewing London from St. Paul's, after the Peace Banquet at Oxford, 1814. Same idea in Malcolm—Sketches of Persia, p. 232. Thackeray—Four Georges. George I, says: "The bold old Reiter looked down from St. Paul's and sighed out, 'Was für Plunder!' The German women plundered; the German secretaries plundered; the German cooks and intendants plundered; even Mustapha and Mahomet, the German negroes, had a share of the booty." The German quoted would be correctly translated "what rubbish!" Blücher, therefore, has been either misquoted or mistranslated. * War is not a pathology that, with proper hygiene and treatment, can be wholly prevented. War is a natural condition of the State, which was organized in order to be an effective instrument of violence on behalf of society. Wars are like deaths, which, while they can be postponed, will come when they will come and cannot be finally avoided. ** [[w:Philip Bobbitt|Philip Bobbitt]] in ''The Shield of Achilles''. * War will make corpses of us all. ** Boromir in ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002) * It is magnificent, but it is not war. ** General [[Pierre Bosquet]], on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Attributed also to Marshal Canrobert. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. *War is the [[health]] of the [[State]]. It automatically sets in motion throughout society those irresistible forces for [[uniformity]], for passionate [[cooperation]] with the [[Government]] in [[coercing]] into [[obedience]] the minority groups and individuals which lack the larger herd sense. The machinery of government sets and enforces the drastic penalties. … In general, the nation in wartime attains a uniformity of feeling, a hierarchy of values culminating at the undisputed apex of the State ideal, which could not possibly be produced through any other agency than war. Other values such as artistic creation, knowledge, reason, beauty, the enhancement of life, are instantly and almost unanimously sacrificed, and the significant classes who have constituted themselves the amateur agents of the State, are engaged not only in sacrificing these values for themselves but in coercing all other persons into sacrificing them. **[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of "[[s:The State|The State]]" (1918). *All of which goes to show that the State represents all the [[autocratic]], [[arbitrary]], [[coercive]], [[belligerent]] forces within a social group, it is a sort of complexus of everything most distasteful to the [[modern]] [[free]] [[creative]] spirit, the feeling for [[life]], [[liberty]], and the pursuit of [[happiness]].&nbsp; [[War]] is the [[health]] of the [[State]].&nbsp; Only when the State is at war does the modern society function with that [[unity]] of [[sentiment]], simple uncritical [[patriotic]] [[devotion]], [[cooperation]] of services, which have always been the ideal of the State lover.&nbsp; …&nbsp; How unregenerate the ancient State may be…is indicated by the laws against [[sedition]], and by the [[Government]]'s unreformed attitude on [[foreign policy]]. **[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#I|§I]] of "[[s:The State|The State]]" (1918). *War is the health of the State and it is during war that one best understands the nature of that institution. **[[Randolph Bourne]], [[s:The State#II|§II]] of "[[s:The State|The State]]" (1918). * Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail to prevent them must share the guilt for the [[dead]]. ** [[Omar Bradley]], as quoted in ''Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Work in Her Own Words'' (1992) by [[Peace Pilgrim]], p. 113 * Ethical obligation has to subordinate itself to the totalitarian nature of war. ** [[Karl Brandt]], 1947. Quoted in article "Ethics of Nazi doctors analyzed in telecast" by Joanna Arnold, 10/17/07. * [[Politics]] is the domestication of war. **[[Giannina Braschi]] in "Yo-Yo Boing!". *What we have here is a war, the war of matter and spirit...The war of banks and religion. In [[New York City]], [[Banking|banks]] tower over [[w:Cathedrals|cathedrals]]. Banks are the temples of America. This is a [[holy war]]. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]]." **[[Giannina Braschi]] in "United States of Banana". * My tanks were filled with gasoline and wars. I was a lead soldier. I marched against the smoke of the city....And the world closed its doors--anvils and hammers against the sleeping men--doors of the [[heart]]--cities everywhere--and litte lead soldiers. **[[Giannina Braschi]] in "Empire of Dreams". * [War] is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. ** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in ''The Ascent of Man''. * Of course, it's tempting to close one's eyes to history and instead to speculate about the roots of war in some possible animal instinct. As if, like the tiger, we still had to kill to live or like the robin redbreast to defend a nesting territory. But war, organized war, is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and cooperative form of theft. And that form of theft began ten-thousand years ago when the harvesters of wheat accumulated a surplus and the nomads rose out of the desert to rob them of what they themselves could not provide. The evidence for that, we saw, in the walled city of Jericho and it's prehistoric tower. That is the beginning of war. ** [[Jacob Bronowski]] in "Harvest of Seasons" of [[w:The Ascent of Man|''The Ascent of Man'']] * War provides men with the perfect psychological backdrop to give vent to their contempt for women. The maleness of the military—the brute power of weaponry exclusive to their hands, the spiritual bonding of men at arms, the manly discipline of orders given and orders obeyed, the simple logic of the hierarchical command—confirms for men what they long suspect—that women are peripheral to the world that counts ** [[Susan Brownmiller]] [https://books.google.com/books/about/Against_Our_Will.html?id=jaWqAAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&q&f=false ''Against Our Will''], (1975), p.22 * The [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]] would be constrained to hold the Imperial German government to a strict accountability for such acts of their naval authorities. ** [[William Jennings Bryan]], to the German government, when Secretary of State. European War Series of Depart. of State. No. I, p. 54. * In war, [[science]] has proven itself an evil genius; it has made war more terrible than it ever was before. Man used to be content to slaughter his fellowmen on a single plane — the earth's surface. Science has taught him to go down into the water and shoot up from below and to go up into the clouds and shoot down from above, thus making the battlefield three times a bloody as it was before; but science does not teach brotherly love. Science has made war so hellish that civilization was about to commit suicide; and now we are told that newly discovered instruments of destruction will make the cruelties of the late war seem trivial in comparison with the cruelties of wars that may come in the future. ** [[William Jennings Bryan]] Scopes Monkey Trial Summation. * Lay down the axe; fling by the spade;<br> Leave in its track the toiling plough;<br>The rifle and the bayonet-blade<br> For arms like yours were fitter now;<br>And let the hands that ply the pen<br> Quit the light task, and learn to wield<br>The horseman's crooked brand, and rein<br> The charger on the battle-field. ** [[William Cullen Bryant]], ''Our Country's Call''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * None of our soldiers would understand not being asked to do whatever is necessary to reestablish a situation which is humiliating to us and unacceptable to our country's honor.—We are going to counter-attack. ** Credited to Major-Gen. {{w|Robert Lee Bullard}}, also to Major-Gen. {{w|Omar Bundy}}, in reply to the French command to retire in the second battle of the Marne, 1918. * The [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] has been forced to retire. This is intolerable. ** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]], on leaving the Conference of French Generals, July 15, 1918. Expressing regret that he could not obey orders. He is called "The General of No Retreat." See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial). * You are there, stay there. ** Major-Gen. [[R. L. Bullard]]. Citation to American unit which captured Fay's Wood. See N. Y. Herald, Nov. 3, 1919. (Editorial). * I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people. ** [[Edmund Burke]], "Letters on a Regicide Peace", letter 1, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'', vol. 5 (1899), p. 283. * This is a war universe. War all the time. That is its nature. There may be other universes based on all sorts of other principles, but ours seems to be based on war and games. All games are basically hostile. Winners and losers. We see them all around us: the winners and the losers. The losers can oftentimes become winners, and the winners can very easily become losers. ** [[William S. Burroughs]], "The War Universe", taped conversation, first published in [http://openlibrary.org/b/OL7452886M/Grand_Street_37_(Grand_Street) ''Grand Street'', No. 37 (1991)]. * Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled;<br>Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,<br>Welcome to your gory bed,<br> Or to victory! ** [[Robert Burns]], ''Bruce to his Men at Bannockburn''. * But they will have it thus nevertheless, and so they put note of "divinity upon the most cruel and pernicious plague of human kind," adore such men with grand titles, degrees, statues, images, honour, applaud, and highly reward them for their good service, no greater glory than to die in the field. So Africanus is extolled by Ennius: Mars, and Hercules, and I know not how many besides of old, were deified; went this way to heaven, that were indeed bloody butchers, wicked destroyers, and troublers of the world, prodigious monsters, hell-hounds, feral plagues, devourers, common executioners of human kind, as Lactanius truly proves, and Cyprian to Donat, such as were desperate in wars, and precipitately made away themselves, (like those Celtes in Damascen, with ridiculous valour, ''ut dedecorosum putarent muro ruenti se subducere'', a disgrace to run away for a rotten wall, now ready to fall on their heads), such as will not rush on a sword's point, or seek to shun a cannon's shot, are base cowards, and no valiant men. By which means, ''Madet orbis mutuo sanguine'', the earth wallows in her own blood, ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerati insania belli''; and for that, which if it be done in private, a man shall be rigorously executed, "and which is no less than murder itself; if the same fact be done in public in wars, it is called manhood, and the party is honored for it." ** [[Robert Burton]], [[w:The Anatomy of Melancholy|The Anatomy of Melancholy]] [https://archive.org/stream/anatomyofmelanch00burt#page/40/mode/2up] (1621). * ''Dieu est d'ordinaire pour les gros escadrons contre les petits.'' ** God is generally for the big squadrons against the little ones. *** {{w|Roger de Rabutin, Comte de Bussy}}, letter (October 18, 1677). Anticipated by Tacitus. ''Deus fortioribus adesse''. * In all the trade of war, no feat<br>Is nobler than a brave retreat. ** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 607. * For those that run away, and fly,<br>Take place at least o' th' enemy. ** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part I (1663-64), Canto III, line 609. * Bloody wars at first began,<br>The artificial plague of man,<br>That from his own invention rise,<br>To scourge his own iniquities. ** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], Satire. Upon the Weakness and Misery of Man, line 105. * War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. * A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small "inside" group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes. ** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n23/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter one, p. 23. * A few profit – and the many pay. But there is a way to stop it. You can't end it by disarmament conferences. You can't eliminate it by peace parleys at Geneva. Well-meaning but impractical groups can't wipe it out by resolutions. It can be smashed effectively only by taking the profit out of war. * Let the officers and the directors and the high-powered executives of our armament factories and our steel companies and our munitions makers and our [[shipbuilders]] and our airplane builders and the manufacturers of all the other things that provide profit in war time as well as the bankers and the speculators, be conscripted—to get $30 a month, the same wage as the lads in the trenches get. … Give capital and industry and labor thirty days to think it over and you will find, by that time, there will be no war. That will smash the war racket—that and nothing else. ** [[Smedley Butler]], [https://archive.org/details/warisaracketelectronicresourcetheantiwarclassicbyam/page/n39/mode/2up ''War is a racket''] (1935), Chapter four, p. 39-40. * O proud was our army that morning<br> That stood where the pine darkly towers,<br>When Sherman said—"Boys, you are weary,<br> This day fair Savannah is ours."<br>Then sang we a song for our chieftain<br> That echoed o'er river and lea,<br>And the stars on our banner shone brighter<br> When Sherman marched down to the sea. ** Samuel Hawkins Marshall Byers, ''Sherman's March to the Sea. Last stanza''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Hand to hand, and foot to foot:<br>Nothing there, save death, was mute;<br>Stroke, and thrust, and flash, and cry<br>For quarter or for victory,<br>Mingle there with the volleying thunder. ** [[Lord Byron]], ''Siege of Corinth'', Stanza 24. * War, war is still the cry, "War even to the knife!" ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto I (1812), Stanza 86. * And there was mounting in hot haste: the steed,<br> The mustering squadron, and the clattering car,<br>Went pouring forward with impetuous speed,<br> And swiftly forming in the ranks of war;<br> And the deep thunder peal on peal, afar<br>And near; the beat of the alarming drum<br> Roused up the soldier ere the morning star;<br>While throng'd the citizens with terror dumb,<br>Or whispering with white lips—"The foe! they come! they come!" ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 25. * Battle's magnificently stern array! ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 28. * The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,<br>And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold. ** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815). * Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,<br>That host with their banners at sunset were seen;<br>Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,<br>That host on the morrow lay wither'd and strown! ** [[Lord Byron]], ''Destruction of Sennacherib'', in ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815). == C == [[File:Caesar, Summer garden.jpg|thumb|I came, I saw. I conquered.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Julius Caesar]]</center>]] [[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb|I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Cicero]]</center>]] [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1981-055-34, Opfer des Bombenkrieges.jpg|thumb|He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. ~ [[Wesley Clark]] ]] [[File:American bases worldwide.svg|thumb|War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob. ~ [[Mortimer Collins]]]] [[File:Seal of the International Court of Justice.png|thumb|It has often been remarked but seldom remembered that war itself is a crime. Yet a [[War crimes|war crime]] is more and other than war. It is an atrocity beyond the usual [[Barbarian|barbaric]] bounds of war. It is legal definition growing out of custom and tradition supported by every civilized nation in the world including our own. It is an act beyond the pale of acceptable actions even in war. ~[http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/sixties/HTML_docs/Resources/Primary/Winter_Soldier/WS_02_opening.html William Crandell in ''Winter Soldier Investigation Testimony''] ]] * ''Veni, vidi, vici.'' ** I came, I saw, I conquered. ** Attributed to Julius Cæsar. Plutarch—Life of Cæsar, states it was spoken after the defeat of Pharnaces, at Zela in Pontus, B.C. 47, not the Expedition to Britain, B.C. 55. According to Suetonius—Julius Cæsar. 37, the words were not Cæsar's but were displayed before Cæsar's title, "non acta belli significantem, sicut ceteri, sed celeriter confecti notam." Not as being a record of the events of the war, as in other cases, but as an indication of the rapidity with which it was concluded. Ne insolens barbarus dicat, "Ueni, uidi, uici." Never shall insolent barbarian say "I came, I saw, I conquered." Seneca the Elder—Suæsoria, II. 22. Buechmann, quoting the above, suggests that Cæsar's words may be an adaptation of a proverb by Apostolius, XII. 58. (Or XIV, in Elzivir Ed. Leyden, 1653). * ''In bello parvis momentis magni casus intercedunt.'' ** In war events of importance are the result of trivial causes. ** [[Julius Caesar]], ''Bellum Gallicum'', I, 21. * War is the answer if you're questioning the general. **[[Lil Wayne|Dwayne Carter]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Yyehm24Mo "Army Gunz"] (2006), ''Like Father, Like Son'' (2006), Cash Money Records *I normalized diplomatic relations with [[China]] in 1979. Since 1979, do you know how many times China has been at war with anybody? None. And we have stayed at war. (The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... China has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us. In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, South Korea or Hong Kong. **[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019) * War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes. ** Scott Campbell, Brian Freyermuth and Mark O'Green, ''[[Fallout]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (1997) * The combat deepens. On, ye brave,<br>Who rush to glory, or the grave!<br>Wave, Munich! all thy banners wave,<br> And charge with all thy chivalry. ** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Hohenlinden''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * ''La Garde meurt, mais ne se rend pas.'' ** The guard dies but does not surrender. *** Attributed to Lieut. Gen. [[w:Pierre Cambronne|Pierre Jacques, Baron de Cambronne]], when called to surrender by Col. Hugh Halkett. Cambronne disavowed the saying at a banquet at Nantes, 1835. The London Times on the Centenary of the battle of Waterloo published a letter, written at 11 P.M. on the evening of the battle, by Capt. Digby Mackworth, of the 7th Fusiliers, A. D. C. to Gen. Hill. In it the phrase is quoted as already familiar. Fournier in ''L'Esprit dans l'histoire'', pp. 412–15, ascribes it to a correspondent of the ''Independant'', Rougemont. It appeared there the next day, and afterwards in the ''Journal General de France'', June 24. This seems also improbable in view of the above mentioned letter. Reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 11-12. See also [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Miserables'', ''Waterloo''. * '''War is a quarrel between two thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle'''; therefore they take boys from one village and another village, stick them into uniforms, equip them with guns, and let them loose like wild beasts against each other. **[[Thomas Carlyle]], as quoted by [[Emma Goldman]] in her essay, "Patriotism: A Menace to Liberty", chapter five of ''Anarchism and Other Essays'' (2nd revised edition, 1911). * There dwell and toil, in the British village of Dumdrudge, usually some five hundred souls. From these…there are successively selected, during the French War, say thirty able-bodied men: Dumdrudge, at her own expense, has suckled and nursed them; she has not without difficulty and sorrow, fed them up to manhood, and trained them to crafts, so that once can weave, another build, another hammer, and the weakest can stand under thirty stone avoirdupois. Nevertheless, amid much weeping and swearing, they are selected; all dressed in red; and shipped away, at the public charges, some two thousand miles, or say only to the south of Spain; and fed there till wanted. And now to that same spot in the south of Spain, are thirty similar French artisans, from a French Dumdrudge, in like manner wending: Till at length, after infinite effort, the two parties come into actual juxtaposition; and Thirty stands fronting Thirty, each with a gun in his hand. Straightway the word "Fire!" is given: and they blow the souls out of one another and in the place of sixty brisk useful craftsmen, the world has sixty dead carcasses, which it must bury, and anew shed tears for. Had these men any quarrel? Busy as the Devil is, not the smallest!... their Governors had fallen out; and, instead of shooting one another, had the cunning to make these poor blockheads shoot. Alas, so it is in Deutschland, and hitherto in all other lands... **[[Thomas Carlyle]] in "Sartor Resartus", quoted in "In Flanders Fields: The 1917 Campaign" by Leon Wolff (1958). * O Chryste, it is a grief for me to telle,<br> How manie a noble erle and valrous knyghte<br>In fyghtynge for Kynge Harrold noblie fell,<br> Al sleyne on Hastyng's field in bloudie fyghte. ** [[Thomas Chatterton]], ''Battle of Hastings''. * Is this a call to war? Does anyone pretend that preparation for resistance to [[aggression]] is unleashing war? I declare it to be the sole guarantee of [[peace]]. We need the swift gathering of forces to confront not only military but moral aggression; the resolute and sober acceptance of their duty by the English-speaking peoples and by all the nations, great and small, who wish to walk with them. Their faithful and zealous comradeship would almost between night and morning clear the path of progress and banish from all our lives the fear which already darkens the sunlight to hundreds of millions of men. ** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938 * The eagle has ceased to scream, but the parrots will now begin to chatter. The war of the giants is over and the pigmies will now start to squabble. ** [[Winston Churchill]], comment on May 7, 1945, after General Ismay, his wartime chief of staff, announced the news of V-E Day. [[w:Kay Halle|Kay Halle]], ''Irrepressible Churchill'' (1966), p. 249. * To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war. ** [[Winston Churchill]], remarks at a White House luncheon (June 26, 1954). His exact words are not known, because the meetings and the luncheon that day were closed to reporters, but above is the commonly cited version. His words are quoted as "It is 'better to jaw-jaw than to war-war,'" in the sub-heading on p. 1 of ''The New York Times'' (June 27, 1954), and as "To jaw-jaw always is better than to war-war" on p. 3. ''The Washington Post'' in its June 27 issue, p. 1, has "better to talk jaw to jaw than have war", and ''The Star'', Washington, D.C., p. 1, a slight variation, "It is better to talk jaw to jaw than to have war". * Let us learn our lessons. … Never believe any war will be smooth and easy or that anyone who embarks on that strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events… incompetent or arrogant commanders, untrustworthy allies, hostile neutrals, malignant fortune, ugly surprise, awful miscalculations. ** [[Winston Churchill]]; quoted in {{cite news | first = Leonard | last = Fein | url = http://www.forward.com/articles/this-time-it-s-our-war/ | title = This Time It's Our War | publisher = [[w:The Forward|The Forward]] | date = [[July 25]], [[2003]] | accessdate = 2007-01-13 }} * ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.'' ** As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars. *** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library] * ''Silent enim leges inter arma.'' ** [[Cicero]], Laws are silent in time of war. ** ''Pro Milone''. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''. ** Variant translations: *** In a time of war, the law falls silent. *** Law stands mute in the midst of arms. * Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi. ** An army abroad is of little use unless there are prudent counsels at home. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 22. * Silent leges inter arma. ** The law is silent during war. ** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Annio Milone'', IV. * Pro aris et focis. ** For your altars and your fires. ** [[Cicero]], ''Oration for Roscius'', Chapter V. Also used by Tiberius Gracchus before this. * Nervi belli pecunia infinita. ** Endless money forms the sinews of war. ** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', V. 2. 5. Libanius—Orations. XLVI. Photius—Lex. 8. 5. Rabelais—Gargantua, Book I, Chapter XXVI. ("Corn" for "money"). * There's nothing more pornographic than glorifying war. ** [[Tom Clancy]], [http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/12/clancy.horner/~hsindex.html Interview promoting ''Every Man a Tiger'' (1999)], co-written with General Charles Horner. (12 May 1999). * We had a malfunction with a cluster bomb unit, and a couple of grenades fell on a schoolyard, and some, I think three, school children were killed... And two weeks later, I got a letter from a Serb grandfather. He said, “You’ve killed my granddaughter.” He said, “I hate you for this, and I’ll kill you.” And I got this in the middle of the war. And it made me very, very sad. We certainly never wanted to do anything like that. But in war, accidents happen. And that’s why you shouldn’t undertake military operations unless every other alternative has been exhausted, because innocent people do die. **[[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007) * Well here's to the Maine, and I'm sorry for Spain,<br>Said Kelly and Burke and Shea. ** [[W:J. I. C. Clarke|J. I. C. Clarke]], ''The Fighting Race''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War is not merely a political act but a real political instrument, a continuation of political intercourse, a carrying out of the same by other means. ** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 1, chapter 1, section 24, p. 16. Originally published in 1833. * War is only caused through the political intercourse of governments and nations … war is nothing but a continuation of political intercourse with an admixture of other means. ** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), book 8, chapter 6, p. 596. Originally published in 1833. * War is regarded as ''nothing but the continuation of state policy with other means''. ** [[Karl von Clausewitz]], ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943), author's note, p. xxix. Originally published in 1833. * War is fought by human beings. ** [[Carl von Clausewitz]] in ''On War'', trans. O. J. Matthijs Jolles (1943). Originally published in 1833. * [[Wars]] are fought by [[teenagers]], you realize that. They really ought to be fought by the [[politicians]] and old people who start these wars. ** [[James Clavell]] interview with [[w:Don Swaim|Don Swaim]] of CBS Radio (1986) [http://wiredforbooks.org/jamesclavell/ (RealAudio file)] * We made war to the end—to the very end of the end. ** [[Clemenceau]], ''Message to American People'' (September, 1918). * ''War is not the answer <br> For only love can conquer hate <br> You know we've got to find a way <br> To bring some lovin' here today'' ** {{w|Al Cleveland}}, {{w|Renaldo Benson}} and [[Marvin Gaye]], ''[[w:What's Going On (song)|What's Going On]], [[w:What's Going On (Marvin Gaye album)|What's Going On]]'' (1971) * I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated. ** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], in [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html "In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation"], an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is mispelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]] * What voice did on my spirit fall,<br> Peschiera, when thy bridge I crossed?<br> "'Tis better to have fought and lost,<br>Than never to have fought at all." ** [[Arthur Hugh Clough]], "Peschiera". Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * [T]he honours, the fame, the emoluments of war, belong not to [the middle and industrial classes]; the battle-plain is the harvest field of the aristocracy, watered with the blood of the people...Whilst our trade rested upon our foreign dependencies, as was the case in the middle of the last century...force and violence, were necessary to command our customers for our manufacturers...But war, although the greatest of consumers, not only produces nothing in return, but, by abstracting labour from productive employment and interrupting the course of trade, it impedes, in a variety of indirect ways, the creation of wealth; and, should hostilities be continued for a series of years, each successive war-loan will be felt in our commercial and manufacturing districts with an augmented pressure. ** [[Richard Cobden]] in Edward P. Stringham, "Commerce, Markets, and Peace: Richard Cobden's Enduring Lessons", Independent Review 9, no. 1 (2004): 105, 110, 115. * War in fact is becoming contemptible, and ought to be put down by the great nations of Europe, just as we put down a vulgar mob. ** [[Mortimer Collins]], ''Thoughts in my Garden'', II. 243. * [[w:Peninsular War|The war]] had been going on long enough that soldiers digging graves for comrades would unearth bones of men killed in previous battles. And because they were starving just about anything went into the stewpot. Frogs. Mice. Bugs. Dogs. Snails. Worms. They slaughtered the horses and oxen that were pulling carts heaped with treasure; jeweled [[w:Reliquary|reliquaries]], silver candlestick holders, and gold crucifixes were abandoned in scorched fields or left in carts too heavy for starving men to pull. They drank from stagnant puddles and filthy streams... a well or cistern... never mind the body floating on the surface. ...[[w:Julia Blackburn|Blackburn]] [in ''Old Man Goya''] reports that a soldier who approached a convent being used as a hospital saw amputated limbs along the wall, "while more arms and legs kept flying out the windows..." At [[w:Battle of Corunna|La Coruña]], two thousand horses were shot to prevent enemy soldiers from riding them. ...One Spaniard kept a bag of French ears and fingers. ...[A] pack of English hounds accompanied [the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Iron Duke]]]. Between military engagements he would go fox hunting.<br />At [[w:Battle of Talavera|Talavera]]... a fire sprang up in dry grass where... soldiers lay dead or dying, "and men were ashamed because their pangs of hunger increased with the smell of roasting meat." ** Evan S. Connell, ''Francisco Goya'' (2005) p. 174. * The flames of Moscow were the aurora of the liberty of the world. ** [[Benjamin Constant]], ''Esprit de Conquête''. Preface. (1813). * But war's a game, which, were their subjects wise,<br>Kings would not play at. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book V, line 187. * Hence jarring sectaries may learn<br>Their real interest to discern;<br>That brother should not war with brother,<br>And worry and devour each other. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Nightingale and Glow-Worm''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. [[File:Operation Upshot-Knothole - Badger 001.jpg|thumb|The tensions existing in this discrepancy of living standards have within them the seeds of a third world war. That war would be [[Nuclear war|nuclear]] and would [[destroy]] all life on the planet. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]] [[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb| Another [[war]] would destroy all life on earth. So what can we do?.... '''We only have one option and that is to end war forever'''. So how to we get at stopping war? We have to create [[trust]]. We have to get rid of [[injustice]]. ~ [[Benjamin Creme]] ]] [[File:Getting UK-funded food vouchers to Syrian refugees in Jordan (9634944185).jpg|thumb|When we [[Sharing|share]] the produce of the world more equitably, we at a stroke make war and [[terrorism]] a thing of the past. We create the conditions of [[trust]]. When we have trust, we can sit down and work out the [[Solution|answer]] to every problem.]] [[File:US Navy 050730-N-0335C-002 U.S. Navy Cmdr. Thomas C. Graves and Executive Officer Lt. Brad Coletti look on during USS Constitution change of command ceremony.jpg|thumb|We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ~ [[W:George Croghan|George Croghan]] ]] * [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]] never surrenders. ** {{w|Thomas Leonidas Crittenden}}, Reply to Gen. {{w|Antonio López de Santa Anna}}, {{w|Battle of Buena Vista}}, Feb. 22, 1847. * We give up the fort when there's not a man left to defend it. ** General Croghan. At Fort Stevenson. (1812). * There was a war, just one in a long line of wars, fought for beliefs and principles as all wars have ever been fought and will ever be in days to come. Little was achieved, nothing was gained. Lives were taken and pain was inflicted. The real reasons are lost in the mists. ** [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] and [[w:James Lovegrove|James Lovegrove]], ''The Trembler on the Axis'' (1994), in Edward E. Kramer and Richard Gilliam (eds.) ''[[w:Elric of Melniboné|Tales of the White Wolf]],'' (ISBN 1-56504-175-5). * War has revealed an overpowering national instinct. The conflicting theories of the exact nature and limitations of our government had blinded the shrewdest minds to the fact that we were a nation, with all the feelings and instincts of a nation, and that our quarrels must be settled inside and not outside. **[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Good Fight"] (1865). == D == [[File:BDUs-forest.jpg|thumb|By war's great sacrifice... The world redeems itself.<br><center>~&nbsp;J. Davidson</center>]] [[File:USS New Orleans (LPD-18) launches RIM-116 missile 2013.jpg|thumb|War is the ultimate realization of modern technology.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Don DeLillo]]</center>]] [[File:Statue of Union Soldier Atop Memorial to Civil War Dead, Highland Cemetery, Ypsilanti, Michigan.JPG|thumb|We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood... If now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Frederick Douglass]]</center>]] * Men will seem to see new [[Destruction|destructions]] in the [[sky]]. The flames that fall from it will seem to rise in it and to fly from it with terror. They will hear every kind of [[animals]] speak in human language. They will instantaneously run in person in various parts of the world, without motion. They will see the greatest splendour in the midst of darkness. O! marvel of the human race! What madness has led you thus! '''You will speak with animals of every species and they with you in human speech. You will see yourself fall from great heights without any harm and torrents will accompany you, and will mingle with their rapid course.''' ** [[Leonardo da Vinci]], ''The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci'' (1938), ''XX Humorous Writings'', as translated by Edward MacCurdy. * From fear in every guise,<br> From sloth, from love of pelf,<br>By war's great sacrifice<br> The world redeems itself. ** [[John Davidson (poet)|John Davidson]] , ''War Song''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Wars throughout [[history]] have been waged for conquest and plunder. In the [[Middle Ages]] when the feudal [[Lord|lords]] who inhabited the [[Castle|castles]] whose towers may still be seen along the [[Rhine]] concluded to enlarge their domains, to increase their power, their prestige and their wealth they declared war upon one another. But they themselves did not go to war any more than the modern feudal lords, the barons of Wall Street go to war. The feudal barons of the Middle Ages, the economic predecessors of the [[Capitalism|capitalists]] of our day, declared all wars. And their miserable [[Serf|serfs]] fought all the battles. The poor, ignorant serfs had been taught to revere their masters; to believe that when their masters declared war upon one another, it was their patriotic duty to fall upon one another and to cut one another's throats for the profit and glory of the lords and barons who held them in contempt. And that is war in a nutshell. The master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles. The master class has had all to gain and nothing to lose, while the subject class has had nothing to gain and all to lose — especially their lives. <br> They have always taught and trained you to believe it to be your patriotic duty to go to war and to have yourselves slaughtered at their command. But in all the history of the world you, the people, have never had a voice in declaring war, and strange as it certainly appears, no war by any nation in any age has ever been declared by the people. <br> And here let me emphasize the fact — and it cannot be repeated too often — that the working class who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. <br> Yours not to reason why;<br>Yours but to do and die. <br> That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. <br> If war is right let it be declared by the people. You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace. ** [[Eugene V. Debs]], "[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]" in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918) * '''War is the ultimate realization of modern technology'''. ** [[Don DeLillo]], ''End Zone'' ch.16, (1972). *The [[Presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] has barred [[International Criminal Court]] investigators from entering the United States. Secretary of State [[Mike Pompeo]] announced Friday that the U.S. will start denying visas to members of the ICC who may be investigating alleged [[war crimes]] by the [[U.S. military]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. In September, [[national security]] adviser [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]] threatened U.S. sanctions against ICC judges if they continued to investigate alleged war crimes committed by U.S. troops in Afghanistan. **[[W:Democracy Now|Democracy Now,]] [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/19/aclu_the_us_is_acting_like ''ACLU: The U.S. Is Acting Like an Authoritarian Regime by Barring ICC Officials Probing War Crimes''] (19 March 2019) * ''Di qui non si passa.'' ** By here they shall not pass. ***[[w:Armando Diaz|Armando Diaz]]. Words inscribed on the Altar of Liberty temporarily erected at Madison Square, N. Y., on the authority of Il Progresso Italiano. * ''Non si passa, passeremo noi.'' ** The words ascribed to General Diaz by the Italians at the battle of the Piave and Monta Grappa, June, 1918. These words are inscribed on the medals struck off for the heroes of this battle. * What argufies pride and ambition?<br> Soon or late death will take us in tow:<br>Each bullet has got its commission,<br> And when our time's come we must go. ** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''The Benevolent Tar''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * I'm [[iron]]. I lasted through ten years of war, and now I can last through this. It's true, it's not good for the nerves. ** [[Sepp Dietrich]], To Leon Goldensohn, February 28, 1946, from "The Nuremberg Interviews" - by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 280. * A feat of chivalry, fiery with consummate courage, and bright with flashing vigor. ** [[Benjamin Disraeli]], of the Charge of the Light Brigade, in the House of Commons (Dec. 15, 1855). * Carry his body hence,—<br>Kings must have slaves;<br>Kings climb to eminence<br>Over men's graves:<br>So this man's eye is dim;—<br>Throw the earth over him. ** [[Henry Austin Dobson]], "Before Sedan", line 7, in ''Vignettes in Rhyme and Vers de Societé'' (London: Henry S. King & Co., 1873), p. 56. *We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery in the United States|the hell-black system of human bondage]], '''if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free [[w:United States citizenship|American citizens]] in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of [[justice]], [[liberty]], and [[civilization]], we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us'''. **[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ "The Unknown Loyal Dead"] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia. * All delays are dangerous in war. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Tyrannic Love'', Act I, scene 1. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War, he sung, is toil and trouble;<br>Honour but an empty bubble. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Alexander's Feast'' (1697), line 99. *At the border posts, shed blood becomes a sea,<br />The martial emperor's dream of expansion has no end. **[[Du Fu]], Tang poet * When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win … an' th' best man will win. ** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''Mr. Dooley in Peace and War'', ''On Prayers for Victory''. * 'Tis startin' a polis foorce to prevint war…. How'll they be ar-rmed? What a foolish question. They'll be ar-rmed with love, if coorse. Who'll pay thim? That's a financyal detail that can be arranged later on. What'll happen if wan iv th' rough-necks reaches f'r a gun? Don't bother me with thrifles. ** [[Finley Peter Dunne]], ''On Making a Will''. Mr. Dooley's version of W. J. Bryan's Speech (1920). *'<b>A more stupid and wasteful business there never was.</b> Fields will not be planted, food will run low, tax revenues will dry up &mdash; save from the makers of swords and munitions.' **[[David Gemmell#Stormrider|David Gemmell, <i>Stormrider</i>]] (Ch. 15) == E == [[File:MX MIRV reentry vehicles.jpg|thumb|right|I do not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]</center>]] [[File:Castle Bravo Blast.jpg|thumb|right|War is mankind's most tragic and stupid folly; to seek or advise its deliberate provocation is a black crime against all men.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]</center>]] [[File:Peacekeeper-missile-testing.jpg|thumb|right|Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]</center>]] [[File:StrawberryFieldsJuly2007.JPG|thumb|right|Imagine what would happen if the nations of the world spent as much on development as on building the machines of war. Imagine a world where every human being would live in freedom and dignity.[...] Imagine that such a world is within our grasp.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Mohamed ElBaradei]]</center>]] [[File:The Soviet Union 1988 CPA 5913 stamp (30th anniversary of Agreement Between the USA and the USSR on Exchanges in the Cultural, Technical and Educational Fields).jpg|thumb|As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Albert Einstein]]</center>]] [[File:Erasmus at EUR.JPG|thumb|The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]]</center>]] * There is no discharge in that war. ** [[Ecclesiastes]], VIII. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * '''All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree.''' All these aspirations are '''directed toward ennobling man's life''', lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence '''and leading the individual towards freedom'''. It is no mere chance that our older universities developed from clerical schools. Both churches and universities — insofar as they live up to their true function — serve the ennoblement of the individual. They seek to fulfill this great task '''by spreading moral and cultural understanding, renouncing the use of brute force.''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], "Moral Decay" (1937); later published in Out of My Later Years (1950) * I say when you get into a war, you should win as quick as you can, because your losses become a function of the duration of the war. I believe when you get in a war, get everything you need and win it. ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], news conference, Indio, California (March 15, 1968), as reported in ''The New York Times'' (March 16, 1968), p. 15. * Now he conducted her through his armouries where he kept his weapons and weapons for his fighting men and all panoply of war. There he showed her swords and spears, maces and axes and daggers, orfreyed and damascened and inlaid with jewels; byrnies and baldricks and shields; blades so keen, a hair blown against them in a wind should be parted in twain; charmed helms on which no ordinary sword would bite. And Juss said unto the Queen, "Madam, what thinkest thou of these swords and spears? For know well that these be the ladder's rungs that we of Demonland climbed up by to that signiory and principality which now we hold over the four corners of the world." She answered, "O my lord, I think nobly of them. For an ill part it were while we joy in the harvest, to contemn the tools that prepared the land for it and reaped it." **[[Eric Rücker Eddison]], ''The Worm Ouroboros'', [http://www.sacred-texts.com/ring/two/two39.htm page 499]. * As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable. ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in "Einstein on the Atomic Bomb," part 1, an interview by Raymond Swing in ''Atlantic Monthly'' ([http://books.google.com/books?id=iaQGAQAAIAAJ&q=%22As+long+as+there+are+sovereign+nations+possessing+great+power+war+is+inevitable%22&pg=PA43#v=onepage November 1945]) * '''I do not know how the [[World War III|Third World War]] will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth — rocks!''' ** [[Albert Einstein]], as quoted in an interview with Alfred Werner, published in ''Liberal Judaism'' 16 (April-May 1949), 12. Einstein Archive 30-1104, as sourced in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice (2005), p. 173. * '''This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of the herd nature, the military system, which I abhor. That a man can take pleasure in marching in formation to the strains of a band is enough to make me despise him.''' He has only been given his big brain by mistake; a backbone was all he needed. This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. '''Heroism by order, senseless violence, and all the pestilent nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how I hate them! War seems to me a mean, contemptible thing: I would rather be hacked in pieces than take part in such an abominable business.''' **[[Albert Einstein]], Mein Weltbild (My World-view) (1931). ** Variant translation: He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilisation should be done away with at once. '''Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.''' * '''I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its stupidity.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Speech in [[w:Ottawa|Ottawa]] (10 January 1946), published in ''Eisenhower Speaks : Dwight D. Eisenhower in His Messages and Speeches'' (1948) edited by Rudolph L. Treuenfels. * '''Every [[Firearm|gun]] that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], 16 April 1953, [[Dwight D. Eisenhower#The_Chance_for_Peace_.281953.29|Speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors]] * All free men remember that in the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains. ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], Inaugural Address. * '''Whether one believes in [[evolution]], [[intelligent design]], or [[w:Divine Creation|Divine Creation]], one thing is certain. Since the beginning of history, human beings have been at war with each other, under the pretext of religion, ideology, ethnicity and other reasons. And no civilization has ever willingly given up its most powerful weapons. We seem to agree today that we can share modern technology, but we still refuse to acknowledge that our values — at their very core — are shared values.''' ** [[Mohamed ElBaradei]], [http://nobelprize.org/peace/laureates/2005/elbaradei-lecture-en.html Nobel lecture Address in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2005)] *I knew years before the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] came out that the Americans were being lied in to an essentially hopeless war. I’m not proud of the fact that it didn’t occur to me that my [[Oaths|oath of office]], which was to support the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]], called on me to put that information out and say, ‘64, when the war might have been avoided. But I certainly am glad that I finally came aware of what my real responsibilities were there. And I did put it out years later. At times, at that time, which published it, the “[[The New York Times|Times]],” and the 18 other newspapers, which defied [[Richard Nixon|President Nixon]]’s injunctions and did put it out, were in the position of Julian Assange is in now. **{{cite news|last=Ellsberg|first=Daniel|authorlink=Daniel Ellsberg|url= |title= [[w:The Dylan Ratigan Show|The Dylan Ratigan Show]]|work=[[w:MSNBC|MSNBC]] |publisher=[[w:NBC Universal|NBC Universal]] |pages= |page= |date= June 11, 2010|accessdate=}} * By the rude bridge that arched the flood,<br> Their flag to April's breeze unfurl'd;<br>Here once the embattl'd farmers stood,<br> And fired the shot heard round the world. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], hymn sung at the completion of the Concord Monument. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * '''The most disadvantageous [[peace]] is better than the most just war.''' ** [[Desiderius Erasmus|Erasmus of Rotterdam]], ''Adagia'' (1508) * Ares (the God of War) hates those who hesitate. ** [[Euripides]], ''Heraclidæ'', 722. == F == [[File:Fort Pillow Massacre, Kurz and Allison, Chicago, 1885.png|thumb|War means fighting, and fighting means killing.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]</center>]] [[File:Battle of Fort Pillow.png|thumb|Expect no quarter.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]]</center>]] * [[w:Philo Farnsworth|Phil]] saw [[television]] as a marvelous teaching tool. There would be no excuse of illiteracy. [[Parenting|Parents]] could learn along with their [[children]]. News and sporting events could be seen as they were happening. Symphonies would mean more when one could see the [[Music|musicians]] as they played, and [[Film|movies]] would be seen in our own living rooms. He said there would be a time when we would be able to see and learn about people in other lands. '''If we understood them better, differences could be settled around conference tables, without going to war.''' ** Elma "Pen" Farnsworth on [http://www.byhigh.org/History/Farnsworth/PhiloT1924.html "Philo Taylor Farnsworth", ''Brigham Young University Highschool'']. * It is proverbial that generals always prepare for the last war... ** {{cite book|last=Field|first=James A.|title=History of United States Naval Operations: Korea|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ixByAAAAMAAJ|year=1962|publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office|page=22}} * Jellicoe has all the Nelsonic attributes except one—he is totally wanting in the great gift of insubordination. ** [[Lord Fisher]], letter to a Privy Councillor (Dec. 27, 1916). * O great corrector of enormous times,<br>Shaker of o'er-rank states, thou grand decider<br>Of dusty and old titles, that healest with blood<br>The earth when it is sick, and curest the world<br>O' the pleurisy of people. ** [[John Fletcher]], ''The Two Noble Kinsmen'' (with [[William Shakespeare]]; c. 1613; published 1634), Act V, scene 1. * Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for education. Probably, no nation is rich enough to pay for both war and civilization. We must make our choice; we cannot have both. ** [[Abraham Flexner]], ''Universities'', part 3 (1930), p. 302. * My right has been rolled up. My left has been driven back. My center has been smashed. I have ordered an advance from all directions. ** Gen. [[Ferdinand Foch]], letter to Marshal [[Joseph Joffre]] during the [[w:First Battle of the Marne|Battle of the Marne]]. * Then came the attack in the Amiens sector on August 8. That went well, too. The moment had arrived. I ordered General Humbert to attack in his turn. "No reserves." No matter. Allez-y (Get on with it) I tell Marshal Haig to attack, too. He's short of men also. Attack all the same. There we are advancing everywhere—the whole line! En avant! Hup! ** Gen. Foch. In an interview with [[w:G. Ward Price|G. Ward Price]], correspondent of London Daily Mail (1919). * I am going on to the Rhine. If you oppose me, so much the worse for you, but whether you sign an armistice or not, I do not stop until I reach the Rhine. ** Gen. Foch to the Germans who came to ask for an armistice. As reported by G. Ward Price in the London Daily Mail. (1919). * Keep the home fires burning, while your hearts are yearning,<br> Tho' your lads are far away they dream of home.<br>There's a silver lining through the dark cloud shining;<br> Turn the dark cloud inside out till the boys come home. ** Mrs. Lena Guilbert Ford. Theme suggested by Ivor Novello, who wrote the music. Sung by the soldiers in the Great War. * '''All of us who served in one war or another know very well that all wars are the glory and the agony of the young.''' ** [[Gerald Ford]], Address to the 75th annual convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Chicago, Illinois (19 August 1974); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Gerald R. Ford, 1974'', p. 25. * War means fighting, and '''fighting means killing'''. **[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell. *Expect no quarter. **[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''May I Quote You, General Forrest?'' by Randall Bedwell. *This fight is against slavery; '''if we lose it, you will be made free'''. **[[Nathan Bedford Forrest]], as quoted in ''Report of the Joint Select Committee''. *The newspapers still talk about [[war|glory]] but the average man, thank God, has got rid of that illusion. It is a damned bore, with a stall mate as the most probable outcome, but one has to see it through, and see it through with the knowledge that whichever side wins, civilisation in Europe will be pipped for the next 30 years. Don't indulge in Romance here, Malcolm, or suppose that an era of jolly little nationalities is dawning. We shall be much too much occupied with pestilence and poverty to reconstruct. **[[E. M. Forster]], ''Selected Letters'': Letter 136, to Malcolm Darling, 6 November 1914. * It was sad. It's war. Many others died, too. It's war. **[[Wilhelm Frick]], About the death of his son, to Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, "The Nuremberg Interviews" by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007. *'''War is obsolete.''' It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... technology reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do. It is a matter of converting the high technology from weaponry to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest aeronautical and engineering facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful. All previous revolutions have been political—in them the have-not majority has attempted revengefully to pull down the economically advantaged minority. If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights. **[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath ''Critical Path''] (1981) == G == [[File:M1A2 tanks at Combined Resolve II (14254298952).jpg|thumb|The [[art]] of [[w:War|war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]</center>]] [[File:Battle of Vicksburg, Kurz and Allison.png|thumb|No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]</center>]] [[File:Confederate Monument - S face tight - Arlington National Cemetery - 2011.jpg|thumb|right|Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]</center>]] [[File:Robert E. Lee at Fredericksburg.jpg|thumb|There will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Ulysses S. Grant]]</center>]] * Your flaming torch aloft we bear,<br>With burning heart an oath we swear<br>To keep the faith, to fight it through,<br>To crush the foe or sleep with you<br> In Flanders' fields. ** [[C. B. Galbreath]]. Answer to McCrae's In Flanders' Fields. * The colossus of World War II seemed to be like a pyramid turned upside down. ** As quoted in "The First and the Last," 1954. * What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy? ** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''Non-Violence in Peace and War'', 1942, Vol. 1, Ch. 142 * You gotta remember that in war, you’re not deciding between the bad thing to and the good thing. You’re choosing between the bad and the worse. And you can’t control the shit that happens after you choose. ** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27 * Sometimes, thinking just didn’t do any good, didn’t provide any answers. Because for some questions—such as the arbitrariness of life and death during wartime—there weren’t any answers. ** [[Charles E. Gannon]], ''Trial By Fire'' (2014), chapter 27 * When the red wrath perisheth, when the dulled swords fail,<br>These three who have walked with Death—these shall prevail.<br>Hell bade all its millions rise; Paradise sends three:<br>Pity, and Self-sacrifice, and Charity. ** [[Theodosia Garrison]], ''These shall Prevail''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Sufficeth this to prove my theme withal,<br>That every bullet hath a lighting place. ** [[Gascoigne]], ''Duke Bellum Inexpertis''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Once blood is shed in a national quarrel reason and right are swept aside by the rage of angry men. ** [[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs'' (1942), vol. 2, chapter 81, p. 1815. *I was bandaging their wounds together with a field nurse. We did what we could: tearing strips from shirts and using them as bandages. So many died there! One lost his arm and died before making it to the crossing. Just fell down. Our radio operator too. Our girls, as they were climbing up the bank, got hit too. They were screaming, calling for their mothers. Torn limbs were flying from the blasts. It was terrifying. '''The most horrible is not the shelling itself, but to see its result'''. **Maria Georgievna, [https://facingstalingrad.com/interviews/maria-faustova-aleksandr-voronov/ interview on facingstalingrad.com] * [B]y adopting [[microeconomics]], [[game theory]], [[Systems theory|systems analysis]], and other [[Management science|managerial techniques]], the [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] [[w:Presidency of John F. Kennedy|administration]] advanced [[w:Limited war|“limited” war]] to greater specificity, making it seem much more controllable, manageable, and therefore desirable as [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]]. ** James Gibson, ''The Perfect War: Technowar in Vietnam''. Boston: Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986, p. 80; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 96. * The war we are fighting until victory or the bitter end is in its deepest sense a war between [[Christ]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]].<br> Christ: the principle of love.<br> Marx: the principle of hate. ** [[Joseph Goebbels]], ''Der Kampf, den wir heute ausfechten bis zum Sieg oder bis zum bitteren Ende, ist im tiefsten Sinne ein Kampf zwischen Christus und Marx. <br> Christus: das Prinzip der Liebe. <br> Marx: das Prinzip des Hasses.<br>'' * We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany. ** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. "I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising." Ambassador Gerard's answer. Jakes W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237. * Neither ridiculous shriekings for revenge by French chauvinists, nor the Englishmen's gnashing of teeth, nor the wild gestures of the Slavs will turn us from our aim of protecting and extending German influence all the world over. ** Official secret report of the Germans, quoted in the ''French Yellow Book''. * Ye living soldiers of the mighty war,<br> Once more from roaring cannon and the drums<br> And bugles blown at morn, the summons comes;<br>Forgot the halting limb, each wound and scar:<br> Once more your Captain calls to you;<br> Come to his last review! ** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''The Burial of Grant''. * An attitude not only of defence, but defiance. ** [[Thomas Gillespie]], ''The Mountain Storm''. "Defence not defiance" became the motto of the Volunteer Movement. (1859). * '''Göring''': '''Why, of course, the people don't want war.''' Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? '''Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in [[Russia]] nor in [[England]] nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.''' But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a [[democracy]] or a [[Fascism|fascist]] [[dictatorship]] or a [[Parliamentary system|Parliament]] or a [[Communism|Communist]] dictatorship.<br> ''Gilbert'': There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their [[Representation|elected representatives]], and in the United States only [[United States Congress|Congress]] can declare wars. <br>''Göring'': Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, '''the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the [[Pacifism|pacifists]] for lack of [[patriotism]] and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.''' ** [[Hermann Göring]], [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm In an interview with Gilbert in Göring's jail cell during the Nuremberg War Crimes Trials (18 April 1946)] * O, send Lewis Gordon hame<br>And the lad I maune name,<br>Though his back be at the wa'<br>Here's to him that's far awa'.<br>O, hon! my Highlandman,<br>O, my bonny Highlandman,<br>Weel would I my true love ken<br>Among ten thousand Highlandmen. ** Accredited to [[Geddes—Lewis Gordon]]. In ''Scotch Songs and Ballads''. * '''The [[art]] of [[war]] is simple enough. Find out where your [[enemy]] is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.''' ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], Statement to John Hill Brinton, at the start of his Tennessee River Campaign, early 1862, as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of John H. Brinton, Major and Surgeon U.S.V., 1861-1865'' (1914) by John Hill Brinton, p. 239. * No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works. ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to Gen. S. B. Buckner. Fort Donelson. February 16, 1862. * For the present, and so long as there are living witnesses of the great war of sections, '''there will be people who will not be consoled for the loss of [[Slavery|a cause which they believed to be holy]]. As time passes, people, even of the South, will begin to wonder how it was possible that their ancestors ever fought for or justified institutions which acknowledged [[Slavery|the right of property in man]]'''. ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 12. * '''I don't underrate the value of [[military]] [[knowledge]], but if men make war in slavish obedience to [[rules]], they will fail.''' ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in ''A History of Militarism: Romance and Realities of a Profession'' (1937) by Alfred Vagts, p. 27. * '''Though I have been trained as a [[soldier]], and participated in many [[battles]], there never was a time when, in my opinion, some way could not be found to prevent the drawing of the [[sword]].''' I look forward to an epoch when a [[court]], recognized by all nations, will settle international differences, instead of keeping large standing [[armies]] as they do in [[Europe]]. ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in "International [[Arbitration]]" by W. H. Dellenback in ''The Commencement Annual, University of Michigan'' (30 June 1892) and in ''A Half Century of International Problems: A Lawyer's Views'' (1954) by [[w:Frederic René Coudert|Frederic René Coudert]], p. 180. * '''Wars produce many [[stories]] of [[fiction]], some of which are told until they are believed to be [[true]].''' ** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885), Ch. 67. *'''War was return of earth to ugly earth,<br>War was foundering of sublimities,<br>Extinction of each happy art and faith<br>By which the world had still kept head in air'''. ** [[Robert Graves]] Recalling War," lines 31–34, from Collected Poems 1938 (1938). * The [[British Army|British army]] should be a projectile to be fired by the [[Royal Navy|British navy]]. ** [[Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Fallodon|Viscount Grey]]. Quoted by Lord Fisher, in Memories, as "the splendid words of Sir Edward Grey". * We will be misguided in our intentions if we point at one single thing and say that it will prevent war, unless, of course, that thing happens to be the will, the determination, and the resolve of people everywhere that nations will never again clash on the battlefield. ** [[Leslie Groves]] Opening address (7 Nov 1945) of Town Hall’s annual lecture series, as quoted in 'Gen. Groves Warns on Atom ‘Suicide’', New York Times (8 Nov 1945), 4. (Just three months before he spoke, two atom bombs dropped on Japan in Aug 1945 effectively ended WW II.) * [[Logistics]] is the ball and chain of armored warfare. ** [[Heinz Guderian]] Quoted in "Sword Point" - Page 141 - by Harold Coyle - 1988. * ''Con disavvantaggio grande si fa la guerra con chi non ha che perdere.'' ** One is in great disadvantage if goes to war with those who have nothing to lose. *** [[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Storia d'Italia'' (1537-1540). == H == [[File:Filosofo detto eraclito, da villa dei papiri, peristilio quadrato.JPG|thumb|right|War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]</center>]] * During the war of the rebellion [[Jay Gould|Gould]]'s firm did a large business in railway securities, and also made a great deal of money speculating in gold. Gould had private sources of information in the field, and he was able to turn almost every success or defeat of the [[w:Union army|Union army]] to profitable account. ** [[w:Murat Halstead|Murat Halstead]], J. Frank Beale, and [[w:Willis Fletcher Johnson|Willis Fletcher Johnson]]: {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rTacWNpL-rUC&pg=PA73|title = Life of Jay Gould: How He Made His Millions|page=73|year = 1892}} *War itself is not a mere science but a more fickle sort of thing, often subject to fate or chance, being an entirely human enterprise... **[[Victor Davis Hanson]], ''A War Like No Other - How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War'' (2005) * The greater the hold of government upon the life of the individual citizen, the greater the risk of war. ** [[John Hospers]], ''Libertarianism: A Political Philosophy for Tomorrow'', Los Angeles: CA, Nash Publishing (1971) p. 411-412 * '''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.''' ** [[Jack Handey]] ''Deep Thoughts'' (1992), Berkley Publishing Group, <small> {{ISBN|0-425-13365-6}} </small> * Yes; quaint and curious war is!<br> You shoot a fellow down<br>You'd treat if met where any bar is,<br> Or help to half-a-crown. ** [[Thomas Hardy]], ''The Man he Killed''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * They were left in the lurch<br>For want of more wadding—He ran to the church—<br> * * * * * *<br>With his arms full of hymnbooks …<br>Rang his voice, "Put Watts into 'em—Boys, give 'em Watts." ** [[Bret Harte]], ''Caldwell of Springfield''. * An hour ago, a Star was falling.<br>A star? There's nothing strange in that.<br> No, nothing; but above the thicket,<br>Somehow it seemed to me that God<br> Somewhere had just relieved a picket. ** [[Bret Harte]], ''Relieving Guard''. * Hark! I hear the tramp of thousands,<br> And of armèd men the hum;<br>Lo, a nation's hosts have gathered<br> Round the quick alarming drum—<br> Saying, Come,<br> Freemen, Come!<br>Ere your heritage be wasted,<br> Said the quick alarming drum. ** [[Bret Harte]], ''The Rèveille''. * Let the only walls the foe shall scale<br> Be ramparts of the dead! ** [[Paul H. Hayne]], ''Vicksburg''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * My men never retire. They go forward or they die. ** [[w:William Hayward|Col. William Hayward]] to a French General who cried to him to retire his troops, the 369th Infantry, colored. See N. Y. Herald. Feb. 3, 1919. Attributed also to Major Bundy, but denied by him. * Most of these who are thrust into combat soon find it impossible to maintain the mythic perception of war. **[[Chris Hedges]], ''War Is a Force that Gives Us Meaning'' ISBN 1586480499, (2002) * The vanquished know [[war]]. They see through the empty [[w:jingoism|jingoism]] of those who use the [[abstract]] words of [[glory]], [[honor]], and [[patriotism]] to [[mask]] the cries of the [[wounded]], the [[senseless]] killing, [[w:war profiteering|war profiteering]], and chest-pounding [[grief]]. **[[Chris Hedges]], [http://www.antiwar.com/orig/hedges.php?articleid=6294 War: Realities and Myths] (11 June 2005) * Most {{w|War correspondent|war correspondents}}, for the first twenty-four hours, think they learn their job from movies until they get shot at. **[[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5U3eSPvfMo&t=285s On Contact: Business secrets of drug dealing] RT America, November 20, 2021 * Napoleon healed through sword and fire the sick nation. ** [[Heinrich Heine]]. See Scherer, ''History of German Literature'', II. 116. * The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force. **[[Robert Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''. * Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled, that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation—the last arguments to which kings resort. ** [[Patrick Henry]], speech to the Virginia Convention, Richmond, Virginia (March 23, 1775); in William Wirt, ''Sketches of the Life and Character of Patrick Henry'', 9th ed. (1836, reprinted 1970), p. 139. "While there is no doubt as to the general effect of Henry's speech, questions as to its actual wording are not so easily disposed of. Not only is there no manuscript copy of the oration, there is no stenographic report…. It was not until some forty years later that William Wirt first reprinted a reconstruction of Henry's oration. In the absence of contemporary written information" there was much criticism of Wirt's text. Wirt collected much of the information for his biography of Patrick Henry "when many of Henry's auditors at St. John's [church] were still in their clear-minded fifties or sixties". Wirt collected information from "intelligent and reliable" auditors, including John Tyler, Judge St. George Tucker, and Edmund Randolph. "Wirt's text was based on a few very helpful sources plus many bits of information. He had ample proof for certain burning phrases … a remarkable resemblance to Henry's other speeches during that period", the fact that the speech conforms to others in "oratorical style and technique, even in the use of Biblical quotations or analogies. Of course, Wirt may have used fragments" from earlier speeches for the reconstruction. "Yet the information on the text as a whole is more precise than for many other great speeches in history". Robert Douthat Meade, ''Patrick Henry, Practical Revolutionary'' (1969), vol. 2, p. 38–40. "I can find no evidence that Patrick Henry's 'Give me liberty, or give me death' went ringing round the country in 1775, when he thus burst forth to the Virginia delegates, or in fact that it was quoted at all until after William Wirt's official life in 1817". Carroll A. Wilson, "Familiar 'Small College' Quotations, II: Mark Hopkins and the Log", ''The Colophon'' (spring 1938), p. 204. * '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.''' ** [[Adolf Hitler]], Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War : An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]] * Hang yourself, brave Crillon. We fought at Arques, and you were not there. ** [[Henry IV of France|Henry IV]], to Crillon after a great victory. Sept. 20, 1597. Appeared in a note to Voltaire's Henriade, VIII. 109. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, καὶ τοὺς μὲν θεοὺς ἔδειξε τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους, τοὺς μὲν δούλους ἐποίησε τοὺς δὲ ἐλευθέρους.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Heraclitus]]</center> *# '''War is the father and king of all: some he has made gods, and some men; some slaves and some free.''' *# War is the father and king of all, and has produced some as gods and some as men, and has made some slaves and some free. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G. T. W. Patrick, 1889]) *#* [[Hippolytus]], ''Ref. haer. ix.'' 9 (Fragment 53). Context: "And that the father of all created things is created and uncreated, the made and the maker, we hear him (Heraclitus) saying, 'War is the father and king of all,' etc." *#* [[Plutarch]], ''de Iside'' 48, p. 370. Context, see frag. 43. *#* [[Proclus]] in ''Tim.'' 54 A (comp. 24 B). *#* Compare [[Chrysippus]] from ''Philodem. P. eusebeias, vii.'' p. 81, Gomperz. *#* [[Lucianus]], ''Quomodo hist. conscrib. 2;'' Idem, ''Icaromen 8.'' *# See also: [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς]] *# [[Martin Heidegger]], ''Parmenides'' (1942–1943) * Τίς γὰρ αὐτῶν νόος ἢ φρήν; [δήμων] ἀοιδοῖσι ἕπονται καὶ διδασκάλῳ χρέωνται ὁμίλῳ, οὐκ εἰδότες ὅτι πολλοὶ κακοὶ ὀλίγοι δὲ ἀγαθοί. αἱρεῦνται γὰρ ἓν ἀντία πάντων οἱ ἄριστοι, κλέος ἀέναον θνητῶν, οἱ δὲ πολλοὶ κεκόρηνται ὅκωσπερ κτήνεα. *# '''The best people renounce all for one goal, the eternal fame of mortals; but most people stuff themselves like cattle.''' *# For what sense or understanding have they? They follow minstrels and take the multitude for a teacher, not knowing that many are bad and few good. For the best men choose one thing above all – immortal glory among mortals; but the masses stuff themselves like cattle. ([http://www.classicpersuasion.org/pw/heraclitus/herpatu.htm G.T.W. Patrick, 1889]) *#: "The passage is restored as above by Bernays (''Heraclitea i.'' p. 34), and Bywater (p. 43), from the following sources: *#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. v. 9,'' p. 682. *#:* [[Proclus]] in ''Alcib.'' p. 255 Creuzer, = 525 ed. ''Cous. ii.'' *#:* [[Clement of Alexandria|Clement of Alex.]] ''Strom. iv.'' 7, p. 586." * Inquiry shall likewise be made about the professions and trades of those who are brought to be admitted to the &#91;Christian&#93; faith. ... A soldier of the civil authority must be taught not to kill men and to refuse to do so if he is commanded, and to refuse to take an oath; if he is unwilling to comply, he must be rejected. ... If a catechumen or a believer seeks to become a soldier, they must be rejected, for they have despised God. ** [[Hippolytus of Rome]], ''Apostolic Tradition'' * Bleak are our shores with the blasts of December,<br> Fettered and chill is the rivulet's flow;<br>Throbbing and warm are the hearts that remember<br> Who was our friend when the world was our foe. ** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], Welcome to the Grand Duke Alexis, Dec. 6, 1871. Referring to the fleet sent by Russia in Sept., 1863, an act with mixed motives, but for which we were grateful. *When people ask me what I did in the war, I tell them I did the same thing we all did. We fought. ** William Holt https://when-the-cold-breeze-blows-away.fandom.com/wiki/William_Holt * I war not with the dead. ** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VII, line 485. Pope's translation. Charles V. Of Luther. Found in W, line Hertslet—Der Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte. * Take thou thy arms and come with me,<br>For we must quit ourselves like men, and strive<br>To aid our cause, although we be but two.<br>Great is the strength of feeble arms combined,<br>And we can combat even with the brave. ** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XIII, line 289. Bryant's translation. * The chance of war<br>Is equal, and the slayer oft is slain. ** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVIII, line 388. Bryant's translation. * It is not right to exult over slain men. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', XII. 412. Quoted by John Morley in a speech during the Boer War. Also by John Bright in his speech on America, June 29, 1867. Compare Archilochus—Frag. Berk. No. 64. (Hiller. No. 60. Liebel. No. 41). * So ends the bloody business of the day. ** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XXII, line 516. Pope's translation * Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war. ** [[Herbert Hoover]], address to the 23d Republican national convention, Chicago, Illinois (June 27, 1944). ''Official Report of the Proceedings of the Twenty-third Republican National Convention'' (1944), p. 166. * Nimirum hic ego sum. ** Here indeed I am; this is my position. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book I. 15. 42 * Postquam Discordia tetra<br>Belli ferratos postes portasque refregit. ** When discord dreadful bursts her brazen bars,<br> And shatters locks to thunder forth her wars. ** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', I. 4. 60. Quoted. Original not known, thought to be from Ennius. * Ye who made war that your ships<br> Should lay to at the beck of no nation,<br>Make war now on Murder, that slips<br> The leash of her hounds of damnation;<br>Ye who remembered the Alamo,<br>Remember the Maine! ** [[Richard Hovey]], ''The Word of the Lord from Havana''. **We cannot well exaggerate ... the horrors, the hateful ravages, and the countless expense of war... show plainly to our children that war, with its embodied woes and furies must be avoided. **[[w:Oliver Otis Howard|Oliver Otis Howard]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&printsec=frontcover&dq=0307594084&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&q&f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. 9 * Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:<br>He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored:<br>He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword:<br> His truth is marching on. ** [[Julia Ward Howe]], ''Battle Hymn of the Republic''. * ''L'Angleterre prit l'aigle, et l'Autriche l'aiglon.'' ** The English took the eagle and Austrians the eaglet. ** [[Victor Hugo]]. Napoleon adopted the lectern eagle for his imperial standard. His son was the eaglet. * Earth was the meadow, he the mower strong. ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''La Légende des Siècles''. * The sinews of war are those two metals (gold and silver). ** Arthur Hull to Robert Cecil, in a Memorial, Nov. 28, 1600. Same idea in Fuller's Holy State, p. 125. (Ed. 1649). * Individuals who commit serious violations of the laws of war with criminal intent – that is, intentionally or recklessly – may be prosecuted for '''war crimes'''. Individuals may also be held criminally liable for assisting in, facilitating, aiding, or abetting a war crime. All governments that are parties to an armed conflict are obligated to investigate alleged war crimes by members of their armed forces. **Human Rights Watch [https://www.hrw.org/news/2018/09/02/yemen-coalition-bus-bombing-apparent-war-crime ''Yemen: Coalition Bus Bombing Apparent War Crime,''] (2 September 2018) * The closeness of their intercourse [the intercourse of nations] will assuredly render war as absurd and impossible by-and-by, as it would be for Manchester to fight with Birmingham, or Holborn Hill with the Strand. ** [[Leigh Hunt]], ''Preface to Poems''. *If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet... My hope lies in... the leaders of [[communities]] and [[social movements]], big and small, who are willing to forfeit everything—including their lives—in defence of [[human rights]]. **[[Zeid Raad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018) * All war propaganda consists, in the last resort, in subsituting diabolical abstractions for human beings. Similarly,those who defend war have invented a pleasant sounding vocabulary of abstractions in which to describe the process of mass murder. ** [[Aldous Huxley]], in "Pacifism and Philosophy" (1936). == I == * Attempts to prohibit the use of particular weapons in warfare have been made in various civilizations over a long period of time....[I]n ancient times, the Laws of Manu (the greatest of the [[Hinduism|Hindu]] codes prohibited [[Hindu|Hindus]] from using poisoned arrows; and the [[Greeks]] and [[Roman Empire|Romans]] customarily observed a prohibition against using poison or poisoned weapons. During the [[Middle Ages]] the Lateran Council of 1132 declared that the [[w:Crossbow|crossbow]] [was prohibited.] ** Editor J. INT'L L (1907) Supplement 95-6. (11 dec. 1868) 1 AM. ''reproduced in id.,'' at p. 29; as quoted by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.35. * I can give no adequate description of the Horror Camp in which my men and myself were to spend the next month of our lives. It was just a barren wilderness, as bare as a chicken run. Corpses lay everywhere, some in huge piles, sometimes they lay singly or in pairs where they had fallen. It took a little time to get used to seeing men women and childen collapse as you walked by them and to restrain oneself from going to their assistance. One had to get used early to the idea that the individual just did not count. One knew that five hundred a day were dying and that five hundred a day were going on dying for weeks before anything we could do would have the slightest effect. It was, however, not easy to watch a child choking to death from [[w:Diptheria|diptheria]] when you knew a [[w:Tracheotomy|tracheotomy]] and nursing would save it, one saw women drowning in their own [[vomit]] because they were too weak to turn over, and men eating [[worms]] as they clutched a half loaf of [[bread]] purely because they had to eat worms to live and now could scarcely tell the difference. Piles of corpses, naked and obscene, with a woman too weak to stand proping herself against them as she cooked the food we had given her over an open fire; men and women crouching down just anywhere in the open relieving themselves of the dysentary which was scouring their bowels, a woman standing stark naked washing herself with some issue soap in water from a tank in which the remains of a child floated. It was shortly after the [[w:British Red Cross|British Red Cross]] arrived, though it may have no connection, that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we men wanted, we were screaming for hundreds and thousands of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it, it was the action of genius, sheer unadulterated brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees than the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nightie but with scarlet red lips, you saw them wandering about with nothing but a blanket over their shoulders, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a woman dead on the post mortem table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, no longer merely the number tatooed on the arm. At last they could take an interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity. ** An extract from the diary of Lieutenant Colonel Mervin Willett Gonin DSO who was amongst the first British soldiers to liberate [[w:Bergen-Belsen concentration camp|Bergen-Belsen]] in 1945. Source: [[w:Imperial War Museum|Imperial War Museum]] (1945). * Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. ** [[Isaiah]], 2:4. == J == [[File:Saint James the Just.jpg|thumb|You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ~ [[Epistle of James|James the Just]]]] [[File:WMD world map.svg|thumb|Reflective apologists for [[war]] at the present day all take it religiously. It is a sort of sacrament. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an [[absolute]] [[good]], we are told, for it is [[human nature]] at its highest dynamic. ~ [[William James]] ]] [[File:CH-53 landing at Defense Attaché Office compound, Operation Frequent Wind.jpg|thumb|How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Lyndon B. Johnson]]</center>]] * Then, sir, we will give [[United States|them]] the bayonet! ** [[Stonewall Jackson]], reply to Colonel Barnard E. Bee when he reported that the Americans were beating them back. At the [[w:First Battle of Bull Run|First Battle of Bull Run]] (21 July 1861); as quoted in ''Stonewall Jackson As Military Commander'' (2000) by John Selby, p. 21. *When the [[Korean War]] ended in 1953, it ended with an armistice, which is a temporary ceasefire, that recommended within 90 days of signing the agreement, there should be a political conference held to discuss the permanent settlement of the Korean War. Well, to this day, 70 years later, that has not happened.<BR> And so the war is unresolved, which means that tens of thousands of troops on both sides have been in a constant state of readiness for war. And that’s been going on [[Military-industrial complex|every day for almost 70 years.]] The US still has 20,000 troops there. This is not a normal situation, is what we’re trying to say through the report. All sides have been pouring [[Profit|billions of dollars]] into a perpetual arms race, that is about the destruction of the other side. And people live in constant fear of war; now, it’s potentially [[nuclear war]]. So what we’re saying through this report is, let’s end this abnormal, outdated armistice situation. '''Let’s end the unresolved Korean War, which is the longest US overseas conflict. And replacing the armistice with a peace agreement is the best way to do that...'''. I do believe that for far too long, Washington has been asking the wrong question on how to resolve the conflict with North Korea. And that question has been, “How do we get rid of North Korea’s nuclear weapons?” Well, that assumes that the problem actually began with North Korea’s nuclear weapons... **[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’ CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]], February 17, 2021 *What we’re saying with the report is, '''let’s step back and ask a different question: How do we actually get to peace, and prevent the risk of a nuclear war? And our solution is to get to the root of the problem, and that is the [https://truthout.org/articles/sixty-five-years-post-ceasefire-us-must-build-trust-to-end-korean-war/ unresolved Korean War].''' So I just want to stress the urgency of this issue. Secretary of State [[Tony Blinken]] has recently said that the US should “squeeze North Korea,” and cut off its access to resources, to get North Korea to the negotiating table. On the other hand, at North Korea’s Workers’ Party Congress last month, Kim Jong-un said they will continue to develop nuclear weapons unless there is a fundamental change in US policy... So I believe that unless something shifts, the stage is actually set for another nuclear standoff. And I believe it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. But, as we know, we are currently grappling with multiple crises—the pandemic, climate change. We cannot afford another nuclear crisis like what we saw in 2017.. So what we’re trying to say is, [[Joe Biden|President Biden]]’s theme is to “build back better.” The best thing that he can do to reduce the threat of nuclear war with North Korea, and build back better on the Korean Peninsula: '''End the Korean War with a peace agreement'''. **[https://fair.org/home/washington-has-been-asking-the-wrong-question-on-north-korea/ Hyun Lee in ‘Washington Has Been Asking the Wrong Question on North Korea’ CounterSpin interview with Hyun Lee on ending the Korean War, by Janine Jackson], [[Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting]], February 17, 2021 * You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. ** [[Epistle of James|James]] 4:2 [[New International Version|NIV]] * '''Reflective apologists for war at the present day all take it [[religiously]].''' It is a sort of [[sacrament]]. It's [[profits]] are to the vanquished as well as to the victor; and quite apart from any question of profit, it is an absolute good, we are told, for it is human nature at its highest dynamic. ** [[William James]], in [[s:The Moral Equivalent of War|''The Moral Equivalent of War'' (1906)]] * YOU are going to hear of wars and reports of wars; see that YOU are not terrified. For these things must take place, but the end is not yet. <br> For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be food shortages and earthquakes in one place after another. All these things are a beginning of pangs of distress. **[[Jesus]], [http://www.watchtower.org/e/bible/mt/chapter_024.htm Matthew 24:6-8 New World Translation] * He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off. ** [[Book of Job|Job]], XXXIX. 25. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The safety of the country is at stake…. We must let ourselves be killed on the spot rather than retreat…. No faltering can be tolerated today. ** [[Joseph Joffre]]—Proclamation. Sept. 6, 1914. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * And war broke out in heaven: [[Michael (archangel)|Mi′cha•el]] and his angels battled with the [[dragon]], and the dragon and its [[angel]]s battled but it did not prevail, neither was a place found for them any longer in heaven. So down the great dragon was hurled, the original [[snake|serpent]], the one called [[Devil]] and [[Satan]], who is misleading the entire inhabited [[earth]]; he was hurled down to the earth, and his angels were hurled down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven say: : “Now have come to pass the salvation and the [[power]] and the [[Kingdom of God|kingdom of our God]] and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers has been hurled down, who accuses them day and night before our God! :* John, [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1001060069?q=michael&p=par Apocalypse or Revelation 12:9-12] *How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The war in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, '''war is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. It is a crime against mankind... Therefore, to know war is to know that there is still madness in this world'''. **[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966). * Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of [[truth]], by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Idler'', no. 30 (November 11, 1758). A more succinct version is: "The first casualty when war comes is truth", attributed to Senator [[Hiram Johnson]], remarks in the Senate, 1918. Burton Stevenson, ed., ''The Macmillan Book of Proverbs, Maxims, and Famous Phrases'' (1948), p. 2445. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). *War creates [[chaos]], and [[Hillary Clinton]] has been an eager advocate of every U.S. aggressive war in the last quarter of a century. These wars have devastated whole countries and caused an unmanageable [[w:refugee crisis|refugee crisis]]. Chaos is all there is to show for Hillary’s vaunted “foreign policy experience”. **[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail] (March 10, 2016) * I have prayed in her fields of poppies,<br> I have laughed with the men who died—<br>But in all my ways and through all my days<br> Like a friend He walked beside.<br>I have seen a sight under Heaven<br> That only God understands,<br>In the battles' glare I have seen Christ there<br> With the Sword of God in His hand. ** [[Gordon Johnstone]], On Fields of Flanders. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Every battle, every war - is fought for things worth [[dying]] for. ** [[w:Arthur M. Jolly|Arthur M. Jolly]], in the play ''Every Battle, Every War'', Original Works Press. (2009). * Men [[dying]] is a relative thing. The effect of the air campaign is a cumulative one and no one can predict which blow will be the crucial blow [to the enemy]. ** U.S. General Harold K. Johnson in a White House meeting of [[w:Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon B. Johnson]] and advisors, in response to the question of why they should ask a man to risk his life to bomb a tactically insignificant target. September 5, 1967. [http://web.archive.org/web/20021027113710/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/frus/johnsonlb/v/13157.htm Memorandum From the President's Assistant (Jones) to President Johnson] *A navy is essentially and necessarily aristocratic. True as may be the political principles for which we are now contending they can never be practically applied or even admitted on board ship, out of port, or off soundings. This may seem a hardship, but it is nevertheless the simplest of truths. Whilst the ships sent forth by the Congress may and must fight for the principles of human rights and republican freedom, the ships themselves must be ruled and commanded at sea under a system of absolute despotism. **[[John Paul Jones]], [http://www.rulit.me/books/the-last-ship-read-334944-1.html letter to the Naval Committee of Congress] (14 September 1775). * The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. ** Judges, XVI. 9. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The people arose as one man. ** Judges, XX. 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War is expensive. Winning a war, however, is less expensive than losing one. ** [[Mike Jones]], [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/11/military.recruiting.ap/ &ldquo;Military re-enlistment bonuses skyrocket,&rdquo;] CNN, 11 April 2007. * In war you learn your lessons, and they stay learned, but the tuition fees are high. ** [[Ernst Jünger]], ''Storm of Steel'' (1920) == K == [[File:THE HOPE OF ALL THE WORLD - NARA - 515613.jpg|thumb|[[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Helen Keller]]</center>]] [[File:IraqWarHeader.jpg|thumb|War has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]</center>]] [[File:AG-8.jpg|thumb|War seldom ever leads to [[good]] [[results]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[George F. Kennan]]</center>]] [[File:AlfredPalmerM3tank1942b.jpg|thumb|Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[John F. Kennedy]]</center>]] [[File:Flickr - Israel Defense Forces - Karakal Winter Training (1).jpg|thumb|Four things greater than all things are. Women and Horses and Power and War.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Rudyard Kipling]]</center>]] *(While smiling, and jokingly) You haven't come to see me for three weeks. I wondered whether you had become disgusted with us war criminals - particularly me, the so-called archcriminal of them all. **[[Ernst Kaltenbrunner]] to Leon Goldensohn, 6/6/46, from "The Nuremberg Interviews" by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004. * Even [[Philosophy|philosophers]] will praise war as ennobling mankind, forgetting the Greek who said: War is bad in that it begets more evil than it kills. ** [[Immanuel Kant]], as quoted in ''Philosophical Perspectives on Peace: An Anthology of Classical and Modern Sources'' (1987) by Howard P. Kainz, p. 81 * All wars are accordingly so many attempts (not in the intention of man, but in the intention of Nature) to establish new relations among states, and through the destruction or at least the dismemberment of all of them to create new political bodies, which, again, either internally or externally, cannot maintain themselves and which must thus suffer like revolutions; until finally, through the best possible civic constitution and common agreement and legislation in external affairs, a state is created which, like a civic commonwealth, can maintain itself automatically. ** Immanuel Kant, [http://www.marxists.org/reference/subject/ethics/kant/universal-history.htm "Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View"] (1784) as translated in ''On History'' (1963) by Lewis White Beck; also translated as ''Idea for a General History with a Cosmopolitan Purpose, Seventh Thesis'' * By virtue of their mutual interest does nature unite people against violence and war…the spirit of trade cannot coexist with war, and sooner or later this spirit dominates every people. For among all those powers…that belong to a nation, financial power may be the most reliable in forcing nations to pursue the noble cause of peace…and wherever in the world war threatens to break out, they will try to head it off through mediation, just as if they were permanently leagued for this purpose. ** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0872206912 To Perpetual Peace]''. * [t]he laws of war are only as strong as those who insist that they be observed." ** Peter Karsten, ''Law, Soldier, And Combat'', ''supra'' note 55, p. 70; as quoted in as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin (1997). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals]''. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1., p.36. * 'Spreading Democracy' is a euphemism for maintaining the Empire: the expansion of the most powerful state in human history, which oppresses and violates the most basic rights. ** Angela Keaton, as quoted in “Exclusive Interview: Anti-War’s Angela Keaton on Women, War and the Ethics of Empire” by Anthony Wile, ''The Daily Bell'', posted July 1, 2012. * [[Strike action|Strike]] against war, for without you no battles can be fought. Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder. Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings. Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction. Be heroes in an army of construction. ** [[Helen Keller]], in [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/helenstrike.html "Strike Against War", speech in Carnegie Hall (5 January 1916)]. * Now the following questions have to be raised: did the occupation of other countries improve our own happiness? Does the individual German get anything out of such conquests? Won't we get into trouble with another powerful nation some place tomorrow or the day after? The differences in interests among the large nations will not be diminished by expanding ourselves. ** [[Friedrich Kellner]], ''My Opposition'' (1940). * Modern war has become too complex to be entrusted to the [[intuition]] of even the most [[experienced]] military commander. Only our giant [[brains]] can [[calculate]] all the [[possibilities]]. ** [[w:John Kemeny|John Kemeny]] (1961), as qtd. in Sharon Ghamari-Tabrizi, ''The Worlds of Herman Kahn: The Intuitive Science of Thermonuclear War'', Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2005, p. 149; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 88 * Anyone who has ever studied the history of American diplomacy, especially military diplomacy, knows that you might start in a war with certain things on your mind as a purpose of what you are doing, but in the end, you found yourself fighting for entirely different things that you had never thought of before … In other words, war has a momentum of its own and it carries you away from all thoughtful intentions when you get into it. Today, if we went into Iraq, like the president would like us to do, you know where you begin. You never know where you are going to end. **[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in [http://hnn.us/articles/997.html "George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq" at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002)] * Whenever you have a possibility of going in two ways, either for peace or for war, for peaceful methods of for military methods, in the present age there is a strong prejudice for the peaceful ones. War seldom ever leads to good results. **[[George F. Kennan]], as quoted in "George Kennan Speaks Out About Iraq" at ''History News Network'' (26 September 2002) * War will exist until that distant day when the {{w|conscientious objector}} enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.jfklibrary.org/Research/Ready-Reference/JFK-Quotations.aspx Undated Letter to a Navy friend]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/26/magazine/26wwln-safire-t.html Also mentioned by William Safire in his 2007-08-26 "On Language" article "Warrior" in the New York Times rubric Magazines.] * For the love of God, for the love of your children and of the civilization to which you belong, cease this madness. You are mortal men. You are capable of error. You have no right to hold in your hands—there is no one wise enough and strong enough to hold in his hands—destructive power sufficient to put an end to civilized life on a great portion of our planet. ** [[George F. Kennan]], cited in {{cite news| url=http://www.boston.com/news/globe/obituaries/articles/2005/03/18/george_kennan_dies_at_101_devised_cold_war_policy| title=Obituary: George Kennan dies at 101; devised Cold War policy| date=2005-03-18| publisher=Boston Globe}}; also cited in {{cite book| title=House of War|last=Carroll| first=James| publisher=Houghton Mifflin Co| year=2006| location=Boston & New York| id={{ISBN|0618187804}}| chapter=Upstream| pages=581, note 140}} * '''In a world of danger and trial, peace is our deepest aspiration''', and when peace comes we will gladly convert not our swords into plowshares, but our bombs into peaceful reactors, and our planes into space vessels. "Pursue peace," the Bible tells us, and we shall pursue it with every effort and every energy that we possess. But '''it is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25654 Speech at Civic Auditorium, Seattle, Washington (6 September 1960)]<!-- Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project --> * And if there is one path above all others to war, it is the path of weakness and disunity. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/berlin-crisis-19610725 "Radio and Television Report to the American People on the Berlin Crisis" (25 July 1961)]; addressing the impending possibility of war between the United States and the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]] (USSR) over the [[w:Berlin Crisis of 1961|crisis in]] [[w:Berlin|Berlin]], [[w:Germany|Germany]]. * Mankind must put an end to war — or war will put an end to mankind ** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address before the General Assembly before the United Nations (25 September 1961). * The world is a very different one now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human [[poverty]], and all forms of human life. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural address (1961), as quoted in ''In Our Own Words : Extraordinary Speeches of the American Century'' (1999) by Robert G. Torricelli and Andrew Carroll, 222 * Every inhabitant of this planet must contemplate the day when this planet may no longer be habitable. Every man, woman and child lives under a nuclear [[w:Sword of Damocles|sword of Damocles]], hanging by the slenderest of threads, capable of being cut at any moment by accident or miscalculation or by madness. '''The weapons of war must be abolished before they abolish us.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], Address to the United Nations General Assembly, (25 September 1961) [[File:John_F._Kennedy%2C_White_House_color_photo_portrait.jpg|thumb|A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history. A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere.... the survivors would envy the dead. For they would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]] ]] [[File:President Kennedy signs Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, 07 October 1963.jpg|thumb| So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John F. Kennedy]]]] * [[w:Trinity (nuclear test)|Eighteen years ago the advent of nuclear weapons]] [[w:History of nuclear weapons|changed the course of the world as well as the war]]. Since that time, all mankind has been struggling to escape from the darkening prospect of mass destruction on earth. In an age when both sides have come to possess enough [[nuclear power]] to destroy the human race several times over, the world of communism and the world of free choice have been caught up in a vicious circle of conflicting ideology and interest. Each increase of tension has produced an increase of arms; each increase of arms has produced an increase of tension. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty], (26 July 1963) * '''A war today or tomorrow, if it led to [[nuclear war]], would not be like any war in history.''' A full-scale nuclear exchange, lasting less than 60 minutes, with the weapons now in existence, could wipe out more than 300 million Americans, Europeans, and Russians, as well as untold numbers elsewhere. And '''the survivors''', as [[Nikita Khrushchev|Chairman Khrushchev]] warned the [[w:Chinese Communist Party|Communist Chinese]], "the survivors would envy the dead." For they '''would inherit a world so devastated by explosions and poison and fire that today we cannot even conceive of its horrors. So let us try to turn the world away from war. Let us make the most of this opportunity, and every opportunity, to reduce tension, to slow down the perilous nuclear arms race, and to check the world's slide toward final annihilation.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1963/JFKWHA-207/JFKWHA-207 Radio and Television Address to the American People on the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty], (26 July 1963) * It is not easy for a free community to organise for war. We are not accustomed to listen to experts or prophets. Our strength lies in an ability to improvise. Yet an open mind to untried ideas is also necessary. ** [[John Maynard Keynes]], ''How to Pay for the War'' (1940), Ch. 1. The Character of the Problem * O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation. **[[Francis Scott Key]], "The Star-Spangled Banner" (1814). * The unified field theory that best fits the currently known facts is what I call the '''"theory of competitive control."''' This is the notion that non-state armed groups, of many kinds, draw their strength and freedom of action primarily from their ability to manipulate and mobilize populations, and that they do this using a spectrum of methods from coercion to persuasion, by creating a normative system that makes people feel safe through the predictability and order that it generates. This theory has been part of many people’s thinking about insurgency and civil war for a long time. But the cases…suggest that it applies to any non-state armed group that preys on a population. ** [[w:David Kilcullen|David Kilcullen]], ''Out of the Mountains: The Coming Age of the Urban Guerrilla'', 2013. * War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The [[w:Mechanized warfare|mechanized warfare]] of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its [[Machine|machines]] are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them. ** [[Ernest King|Ernest J. King]], as quoted in the prologue (page viii) of his memoirs, ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record (1952)''. * War bred the strangest [[Paranoia|paranoias]] from its soup of [[Deception|deceptions]], [[misinformation]], misdirection, and poor communication. And lack of any cultural basis for understanding. ** [[w:Donald Kingsbury|Donald Kingsbury]], ''The Survivor'' (1991), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.), ''[[w:The Space Opera Renaissance|The Space Opera Renaissance]],'' {{ISBN|0-765-30618-2}}, p. 692 * Soon the men of the column began to see that though the scarlet line was slender, it was very rigid and exact. ** [[w:Alexander William Kinglake|Alexander William Kinglake]], ''Invasion of the Crimea'', Volume III, p. 455. "The spruce beauty of the slender red line." Kinglake—Invasion of the Crimea, Volume III, p. 248. Ed. 6. * For heathen heart that puts her trust<br> In reeking tube and iron shard—<br>All valiant dust that builds on dust,<br> And guarding calls not Thee to guard—<br>For frantic boast and foolish word,<br>Thy mercy on Thy People, Lord! ** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Recessional''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Four things greater than all things are,—<br>Women and Horses and Power and War. ** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''[[s:The Ballad of the King's Jest|The Ballad of the King's Jest]]'' (1890). * For agony and spoil<br> Of nations beat to dust,<br>For poisoned air and tortured soil<br> And cold, commanded lust,<br>And every secret woe<br> The shuddering waters saw—<br>Willed and fulfilled by high and low—<br> Let them relearn the Law. ** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Justice'' (Oct. 24, 1918). * But let this fact burn its way into your brain to save you from hell and rouse you for the revolution—this fact:<br />Nowhere on all that battlefield among the shattered rifles and wrecked canon, among the broken ambulances and splintered ammunition wagons, nowhere in the mire and mush of blood and sand, nowhere among the bulging and befouling carcasses of dead horses and swelling corpses of dead men and boys—nowhere could be found the torn, bloated and fly-blown carcasses of bankers, bishops, politicians, "brainy capitalists" and other elegant and eminent "very best people."<br />Well, hardly.<br />Naturally—these proud, cunning and ''intelligent'' people were not there, ''on the firing line''.<br />Listen, oh, listen—you betrayed multitude of toil-damned, war-blasted workers of all nations:<br />If the masters want blood, let them cut their own throats.<br />We don't want other people's blood and we refuse to wast our own.<br />Let those who want "great victories" ''go to the firing line and get them''.<br />If war is good enough to ''vote'' or to ''pray'' for, it is good enough to ''go to—up close'' where bayonets gleam, swords flash, canon roar, rifles clash, flesh rips, blood spurts, bones snap, brains are dashed,—''up close'' where men toil, sweat, freeze, starve, kill, groan, scream, pray, laugh, howl, curse, go mad and die,—''up close'' where the flesh and blood of betrayed men and boys are pounded into a red mush of mud by shrieking canon balls, by the iron-shod hoofs of galloping horses and the steel-bound wheels of rushing gun-trucks.<br />"What is war?"<br />They say "War is Hell."<br />Well, then, let those who want hell, go to hell. ** [[w:George Ross Kirkpatrick|George Ross Kirkpatrick]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JTBUggGDnmAC War--what For?]'' (1914) pp. 27-28 * You are ordered abroad as a soldier of [[George V of the United Kingdom|the King]] to help our French comrades against the invasion of a common enemy. You have to perform a task which will need your courage, your energy, and your patience. Remember that the honor of the British Army depends on your individual conduct. It will be your duty not only to set an example of discipline and perfect steadiness under fire, but also to maintain the most friendly relations with those whom you are helping in this struggle…. Do your duty bravely. Fear God and honor the King. ** [[w:Herbert Kitchener|Herbert Kitchener]], 1st Earl Kitchener, a printed address to the British Expeditionary Force, carried by the soldiers on the Continent. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. *After weeks of unsuccessfully attempting to either bully Russia’s [[Vladimir Putin]] into submission or bait him into war, US president [[Joe Biden]] may finally be looking for a face-saving exit from of the [[2021–2022 Russo-Ukrainian crisis|Ukraine “crisis”]] of his own making... Putin finally drew a red line at [[NATO]] membership for Ukraine specifically, and against the US definition of [[Diplomacy|“diplomacy”]] — “do exactly as we demand, without question or objection, and we may consider deigning to allow you to kiss our feet for a little while before kicking you in the face again” — specifically.<br> Bullies really, really, really hate to be told “no,” and tend to go into full bluster and posture mode at the first hint of that happening, which explains the Ukraine “crisis.” Unfortunately for THIS bully, Putin remains seemingly un-frightened. Even as the US and its poodles met in Munich, of all places, to issue more threats, he declined to play the role of [[Neville Chamberlain]]. So now Joe says he may be ready to talk. Whether the willingness is real, or just another exercise in fake “diplomacy,” remains to be seen. As does whether Putin will give Biden a graceful/deniable way out of this mess, or insist on rubbing his nose in the thick layer of filth US “diplomacy” has previously deposited on the ground. With two nuclear powers at loggerheads, the [[nuclear war|stakes are far too high]] for further attempts to disguise US [[hubris]] and [[W:megalomania|megalomania]] as “diplomacy.” ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2022/02/23/ukraine-us-diplomacy-is-the-problem-can-it-become-the-solution/ Thomas Knapp, Ukraine: US “Diplomacy” is the Problem. Can it Become the Solution? ] ''CounterPunch'', February 23, 2022 * War is itself a political act with primarily political objects and under the American form of government political officials must necessarily direct its general course. ** [[w:Dudley Wright Knox|Dudley Wright Knox]], ''A History of the United States Navy'' (1936), chapter 24, final paragraph, p. 274. [[File:Protest Justice for War Crimes in Afghanistan (50651581963).jpg|thumb|'''The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war... There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]...''''''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]... '''We consider war to be the shame of mankind'''. ~ [[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]]]] *We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.<BR>There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives. But karma has its own timely approach, and does not show itself immediately. Life is continuous, and the wise ones understand their lives as a single necklace.<BR>[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere... The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting.'' '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]''<BR>[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. **[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]] (1938) *You certainly know that We consider war to be '''the shame of mankind''', but one situation that can be considered as worse is the decay of humanity. [[Armageddon]] should not be understood as only a physical battle. It is full of incalculable dangers, among which will be [[Epidemics|epidemics]], but the most ruinous consequence will be psychic perversions. People will lose trust in one another, and will compete in doing evil. They will develop a persistent hatred of all except their own kind, and will sink into irresponsibility and depravity.<BR> To all these insanities will be added the most shameful—the intensified [[competition]] between male and female. We insist upon equal and full rights for women, but the servants of darkness will expel them from many fields of activity, even where they bring the most benefit. We have spoken about the many maladies in the world, but the renewed struggle between the male and female principles will be the most tragic. It is hard to imagine how disastrous this will be, for it is a struggle against evolution itself! What a high price humanity pays for every such opposition to evolution! In these convulsions the young generations are corrupted. <BR>There are those who think so and imagine that they can cheat evolution, not realizing that the worst war is in their own homes. (286) **[[Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga|''Agni Yoga'']] (1938) * "…wars of the 17th century on the European continent 3 million people perished, in the 18th century and in the 19th century - 5.5. million...[T]he First World War wiped out 10 million lives, the Second - over 50 million. ** V.N. Kudriavtsev, ''The Nuremberg Trial and Problems of Strengthening the International Legal Order, in'' THE NUREMBERG TRIAL AND INTERNATIONAL LAW 1-2 (Ginsburgs & Kudriavtsev eds,m 1990).; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&hl=en ''War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals''], by Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.12 * Glory was the lie concocted to inspire innocent fools to war. ** [[w:Paul Kupperberg|Paul Kupperberg]], ''Walk Upon the Waters'' in [[w:Brian Thomsen|Brian Thomsen]] & [[w:Martin H. Greenberg|Martin H. Greenberg]] (eds.), ''Oceans of Magic'' (2001), p. 234 == L == [[File:4th_United_States_Colored_Infantry.jpg|thumb|The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]]</center>]] * War will not end until all of the violent people are killed. ** [[w:Roger Langbecker|Roger Langbecker]], ''Czarmangis''. * Friendship itself prompts it (Government of the U. S.) to say to the Imperial Government (Germany) that repetition by the commanders of German naval vessels of acts in contravention of those rights (neutral) must be regarded by the Government of the United States, when they affect American citizens, as deliberately unfriendly. ** Secretary of War Lansing. Reply to the German Lusitania Note (July 21, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * There is no such thing as an inevitable war. If war comes it will be from failure of human wisdom. ** [[Bonar Law]]. Speech before the Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * I have always believed that success would be the inevitable result if the two services, the army and the navy, had fair play, and if we sent the right man to fill the right place. ** [[Austin H. Layard]], ''Speech in Parliament'' (Jan. 15, 1855). * It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it. ** [[Robert E. Lee]], comment to James Longstreet, on seeing a Union charge repelled in the Battle of Fredericksburg (13 December 1862). * When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war! ** [[Nathaniel Lee]], ''The Rival Queens; or, Alexander the Great'', Act IV, scene 2. * Art, thou hast many infamies,<br>But not an infamy like this.<br>O snap the fife and still the drum<br>And show the monster as she is. ** [[R. Le Gallienne]], ''The Illusion of War''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in North Korea anyway, someway or another, and some in South Korea too. ** [[Curtis LeMay]], in ''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988) * I want you to make love, not war, I know you've heard it before. ** [[John Lennon]], in his final fading statement in "[[w:Mind Games (song)|Mind Games]]" on ''[[w:Mind Games|Mind Games]]'' (1973). * O, God assist our side: at least, avoid assisting the enemy and leave the rest to me. ** [[Prince Leopold of Anhalt-Dessau]], according to [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Life of Frederick the Great'', Book XV, Chapter XIV. * The ballot is stronger than the bullet. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]] (1856). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60 *We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us? **[[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA124 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124 *Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female. **[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext letter to James C. Conkling] (26 August 1863) * One month too late. ** Von Linsingen's remark when told of Italy's declaration of war against Austria in Great War. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * To arms! to arms! ye brave!<br> Th' avenging sword unsheathe,<br>March on! march on! all hearts resolved<br> On victory or death! ** [[Joseph Rouget de Lisle]], ''The Marseilles Hymn''. 7th stanza by Du Bois. See Figaro, Literary Supplement, Aug. 7, 1908. * At the Captain's mess, in the Banquet-hall,<br>Sat feasting the officers, one and all—<br>Like a sabre-blow, like the swing of a sail,<br>One raised his glass, held high to hail,<br>Sharp snapped like the stroke of a rudder's play,<br>Spoke three words only: "To the day!" ** [[Ernest Lissauer]], ''Hassgesang gegen England'' (Song of Hate against England). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Thus, if there is anyone who is confident that he can advise me as to the best advantage of the state in this campaign which I am about to conduct, let him not refuse his services to the state, but come with me into Macedonia. I will furnish him with his sea-passage, with a horse, a tent, and even travel-funds. If anyone is reluctant to do this and prefers the leisure of the city to the hardships of campaigning, let him not steer the ship from on shore. ** [[Livy]], book 44, chapter 22; reported in ''Livy'', trans. Alfred C. Schlesinger (1951), vol. 13, p. 161. Lucius Aemilius Paulus is addressing the people at a public meeting. President Franklin Roosevelt attacked armchair generals by citing this and preceding passages at his press conference (March 17, 1942): "Being of an historical turn of mind, [I figured] that probably some poor devil had gone through this process of annoyance in past years, some previous time in history, so I went quite far back and I found [Lucius Aemilius] … it sounds as if it were written in 1942". ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1942'' (1950), p. 166. * Ez fer war, I call it murder,—<br> Ther you hev it plain and flat;<br>I don't want to go no furder<br> Than my Testyment fer that. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 1. * We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 3. * Not but wut abstract war is horrid,<br> I sign to thet with all my heart,—<br>But civilysation doos git forrid<br> Sometimes, upon a powder-cart. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'' (1848), No. 7. * War is a survival among us from savage times and affects now chiefly the boyish and unthinking element of the nation. ** [[Percival Lowell]], ''Mars and its Canals'' (1906), Chapter XXXII, Conclusion. * God has chosen little nations as the vessels by which He carries His choicest wines to the lips of humanity to rejoice their hearts, to exalt their vision, to strengthen their faith, and if we had stood by when two little nations ([[Belgium]] and [[Serbia|Servia]]) were being crushed and broken by the brutal hands of barbarians, our shame would have rung down the everlasting ages. ** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The stern hand of Fate has scourged us to an elevation where we can see the everlasting things that matter for a nation—the great peaks we had forgotten, of Honour, Duty, Patriotism, and clad in glittering white, the pinnacles of [[Sacrifice]], pointing like a rugged finger to Heaven. We shall descend into the valley again; but as long as the men and women of this generation last, they will carry in their hearts the image of these mighty peaks, whose foundations are not shaken, though Europe rock and sway in the convulsions of a great war. ** [[Lloyd George]], speech at Queen's Hall (Sept., 1914). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Too late in moving here, too late in arriving there, too late in coming to this decision, too late in starting with enterprises, too late in preparing. In this war the footsteps of the allied forces have been dogged by the mocking specter of Too Late! and unless we quicken our movements, [[damnation]] will fall on the sacred cause for which so much gallant blood has flowed. ** [[Lloyd George]], speech, in the House of Commons (Dec. 20, 1915). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The last £100,000,000 will win. ** [[Lloyd George]], when Chancellor of the Exchequer, at the beginning of the war. 1914. See ''Everybody's Magazine'' (Jan., 1918), p. 8. * Is it, O man, with such discordant noises,<br> With such accursed instruments as these,<br>Thou drownest Nature's sweet and kindly voices,<br> And jarrest the celestial harmonies? ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'', Stanza 8. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * ''Ultima ratio regum.'' ** Last argument of kings. [Cannon.] ** [[Louis XIV]] ordered this engraved on cannon. Removed by the National Assembly, Aug. 19, 1790. Found on cannon in Mantua. (1613). On Prussian guns of today. Motto for pieces of ordnance in use as early as 1613. Buchmann—Geflügelte Wörte. Ultima razon de reges. (War). The ultimate reason of kings. Calderon. Don't forget your great guns, which are the most respectable arguments of the rights of kings. Frederick the Great to his brother Henry. April 21, 1759. * The Campbells are comin'. ** [[Robert T. S. Lowell]], ''The Relief of Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by Henry Morford, Alexander Maclagan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * ''Pourquoi cette trombe enflammée<br>Qui vient foudroyer l'univers?<br>Cet embrasement de l'enfer?<br>Ce tourbillonnement d'armées<br>Par mille milliers de milliers?<br>—C'est pour un chiffon de papier.'' ** For what this whirlwind all aflame?<br> This thunderstroke of hellish ire,<br> Setting the universe afire?<br> While millions upon millions came<br> Into a very storm of war?<br> For a scrap of paper. ** [[Père Hyacinthe Loyson]], ''Pour un Chiffon de Papier''; translation by Edward Brabrook. In Notes and Queries, Jan. 6, 1917, p. 5. * ''Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextræ.'' ** The wounds of civil war are deeply felt. ** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', I. 32. * ''Datos, ne quisquam seruiat, enses.'' ** '''The sword was given for this, that none need live a slave.''' *** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', Book IV, line 579. * ''Omnibus hostes<br>Reddite nos populis—civile avertite bellum.'' ** Make us enemies of every people on earth, but prevent a civil war. ** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 52. * ''Non tam portas intrare patentes<br>Quam fregisse juvat; nec tam patiente colono<br>Arva premi, quam si ferro populetur et igni;<br>Concessa pudet ire via.'' ** The conqueror is not so much pleased by entering into open gates, as by forcing his way. He desires not the fields to be cultivated by the patient husbandman; he would have them laid waste by fire and sword. It would be his shame to go by a way already opened. ** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', II. 443. * 'Aig [F.-M. Sir Douglas Haig] 'e don't say much; 'e don't, so to say, say nothin'; but what 'e don't say don't mean nothin', not 'arf. But when 'e do say something—my Gawd! ** [[E. V. Lucas]], ''Boswell of Baghdad''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Enormous masses of ammunition, such as the human mind had never imagined before the war, were hurled upon the bodies of men who passed a miserable existence scattered about in mud-filled shell-holes. ** Quoted in "My War Memories, 1914-1918" - by [[Erich Ludendorff]] - 1919 * Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen. ** [[Martin Luther]]. End of his speech at the Diet of Worms. April 18, 1521. Inscribed on his monument at Worms. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * I beg that the small steamers … be spared if possible, or else sunk without a trace being left. (Spurlos versenkt). ** Count Karl Von Luxburg, Chargé d'Affaires at Buenos Ayres. Telegram to the Berlin Foreign Office, May 19, 1917. Also same July 9, 1917, referring to Argentine ships. Cablegrams disclosed by Secretary Lansing as sent from the German Legation in Buenos Ayres by way of the Swedish Legation to Berlin. "If neutrals were destroyed so that they disappeared without leaving any trace, terror would soon keep seamen and travelers away from the danger zones." Prof. Oswald Flamm in the Berlin Woche. Cited in N. Y. Times, May 15, 1917. == M == [[File:The Final Stand at Bladensburg, Maryland, 24 August 1814.png|thumb|[P]eace is better than war, war is better than tribute.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[James Madison]]</center>]] [[File:US-NEW-CLASS-A-UNIFORM.png|thumb|Step by step, heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ~ [[w:Martika|Martika]]]] [[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|War has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]</center>]] * Oh! wherefore come ye forth in triumph from the North,<br> With your hands and your feet, and your raiment all red?<br>And wherefore doth your rout send forth a joyous shout?<br> And whence be the grapes of the wine-press which ye tread? ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''The Battle of Naseby''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60 * The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility. ** Attributed to Lord Fisher during the great War. Taken from Macaulay's Essay on Lord Nugent's Memorials of Hampden. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60 * I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes. ** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to a joint session of Congress after having been relieved of command in Korea by [[w:Harry S Truman|Truman]], 19 April 1951 * In war there is no substitute for victory. ** [[Douglas MacArthur]], speech to Congress, 19 April 1951 * That's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die—and the difference is just an eyelash. ** [[Douglas MacArthur]], ''Reminiscences'' (1964), p. 145 *[T]hat one should never permit a disorder to persist in order to avoid war, for war is not avoided thereby but merely deferred to one's own disadvantage... ** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'', Daniel Donno translation, Bantam, 1981, pp. 20, 82; Italian text, Il Principe, Nuova edizione a cura di Giorgio Inglese, Giulio Einaudi editore s.p.a., Torino, 2013 e 2014, pp.24, 171 * Di qui nacque che tutti li profeti armati vinsero, e li disarmati rovinarono. ** Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the unarmed perished. ** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''Il Principe'', C. 6 * War in men's eyes shall be<br>A monster of iniquity<br> In the good time coming.<br>Nations shall not quarrel then,<br> To prove which is the stronger;<br>Nor slaughter men for glory's sake;—<br> Wait a little longer. ** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Good Time Coming''. * The warpipes are pealing, "The Campbells are coming."<br> They are charging and cheering. O dinna ye hear it? ** [[Alexander Maclagan]], ''Jennie's Dream''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * ''J'y suis, et j'y reste.'' ** Here I am and here I stay. ** MacMahon, before Malakoff. Gabriel Hanotaux, in ''Contemporary France'', says that MacMahon denied this. Marquis de Castellane claimed the phrase in the Revue Hebdomodaire, May, 1908. Contradicted by L'Éclair, which quoted a letter by Gen. Biddulph to Germain Bapst, in which Gen. Biddulph tells that MacMahon said to him "Que j'y suis, et que j'y reste". * War contains so much folly, as well as wickedness, that much is to be hoped from the progress of reason; and if any thing is to be hoped, every thing ought to be tried. ** [[James Madison]], "Universal Peace", National Gazette (February 2, 1792), in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 88–89. These words are inscribed in the Madison Memorial Hall, Library of Congress James Madison Memorial Building. * '''Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.''' War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war, and in the degeneracy of manners and of morals engendered by both. '''No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.''' ** [[James Madison]], "Political Observations" (20 April 1795); also in ''[http://archive.org/stream/lettersandotherw04madiiala#page/490/mode/2up Letters and Other Writings of James Madison]'' (1865), Vol. IV, p. 491 * No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare. ** [[James Madison]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 614. * The enemy advances, we retreat; the enemy camps, we harass; the enemy tires, we attack; the enemy retreats, we pursue. ** [[Mao Zedong]], letter (January 5, 1930); in ''Selected Military Writings of Mao Tse-Tung'' (1966), p. 72. Mao was quoting from a letter from the Front Committee to the Central Committee, on guerrilla tactics. * ''Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,<br>Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,<br>Marlbrough s'en va-t-en guerre,<br>Ne sait quand reviendra.'' ** Marbrough (or Marlebrouck) S'en va-t-en Guerre. Old French Song. Attributed to Mme. de Sévigné. Found in Rondes avec Jeux et Petites Chansons traditionnelles, Pub. by Augener. Said to refer to Charles, Third Duke of Marlborough's unsuccessful expedition against Cherbourg or Malplaquet, probably the latter. (1709). See King's Classical Quotations. Air probably sung by the Crusaders of Godfrey de Bouillon, known in America "We won't go home until morning." Sung today in the East, tradition giving it that the ancestors of the Arabs learned it at the battle of Mansurah, April 5, 1250. The same appears in a Basque Pastorale; also in Chansons de Geste. Air known to the Egyptians. * ''Cineri gloria sera venit''. (Also given as ''Cineri gloria sera sunt'' and ''Cineri gloria sera est''.) ** To the ashes of the dead, glory comes too late. ** [[Martial]], Epigrams (80-104 AD) * Step by step. Heart to heart. Left, right, left. We all fall down, like toy soldiers. Bit by bit torn apart, we never win, but the battle wages on for toy soldiers. ** [[w:Martika|Martika]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mW4qmh8_9g "Toy Soldiers"] (1988), ''Martika'' *War is not the greatest [[evil]], though it is an evil. The open struggle of the battlefield is not the greatest evil; worse is that chronic condition of [[society]] which makes possible the [[violence]] of the stronger to the weaker; worse than war are insincerity and [[falsehood]]; worse is that [[egotism]] hidden under the mask of [[humanity]] and nobility in mind; worse is [[cowardice]] passing itself off as [[fortitude]]; worse is [[sophistry]] deceiving the sensible and wise. [[Death]] is not worse than a dishonourable life which destroys its own [[soul]] as well as that of its neighbour. **{{cite journal | last = Masaryk | first = Tomáš Garrigue | authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk | date = 2017-03-29 | title = A Philosophy of Pacifism | journal = The New Europe | volume = 2 | issue = 24 | pages =342–350 | issn = | doi = | id = | url = https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_New_Europe/Volume_2/A_Philosophy_of_Pacifism }} * And silence broods like spirit on the brae,<br> A glimmering moon begins, the moonlight runs<br>Over the grasses of the ancient way<br> Rutted this morning by the passing guns. ** [[John Masefield]], August 14—In Philip the King. * For a flying foe<br>Discreet and provident conquerors build up<br>A bridge of gold. ** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Guardian'', Act I, scene 1. * Some undone widow sits upon mine arm,<br>And takes away the use of it; and my sword,<br>Glued to my scabbard with wronged orphan's tears,<br>Will not be drawn. ** [[Philip Massinger]], ''A New Way to Pay Old Debts'', Act V, scene 1. * Wars and rumours of wars. ** Matthew, XXIV. 6. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war. ** [[John McCain]], quoted in ''Newsweek'' (23 June 2008), p. 21. * All quiet along the Potomac. ** Proverbial in 1861–62. Supposed to have originated with Gen. McClellan. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * How do wars begin? Through affront, through bravado, through stupidity or overconfidence, through sacred purpose or greed. ** [[Ian McDonald]], ''Verthandi’s Ring'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 43 * There's some say that we wan, some say that they wan,<br> Some say that nane wan at a', man,<br>But one thing I'm sure that at Sheriff-Muir,<br> A battle there was which I saw, man.<br>And we ran and they ran, and they ran and we ran,<br> And we ran, and they ran awa', man. ** [[Murdoch McLennan]], ''Sheriff-Muir''. (An indecisive battle, Nov. 13, 1715). * [W]ar is so complex, it’s beyond the ability of the [[human]] [[mind]] to comprehend allthe variables. Our [[judgement]], our [[understanding]], are not adequate. ** [[Robert McNamara|Robert McNamara]] in ''The Fog of War - Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara'', by Errol Morris (director), Columbia Tristar, 2004; as quoted in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 95. * There is war in the skies! ** [[Owen Meredith]] (Lord Lytton), ''Lucile'' (1860), Part I, Canto IV, Stanza 12. * [[City]] [[fighting]] also places enormous [[challenges]] on ground forces. Fighting in urban terrain generally favors the defenders, who can place [[w:Sniper|snipers]] in [[w:windows|windows]] and hide down narrow [[w:Alleys|alleys]]. <br> Even with precision munitions, it is difficult to use air and artillery power in a dense urban battle. Much of the fighting falls on the shoulders of the individual [[soldiers]], who have to clear the city block by block. ** Jim Michaels, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/29/united-states-mosul-isis-deadly-combat-world-war-ii/99787764/ “Iraqi forces in Mosul see deadliest urban combat since World War II”], ''USA Today'', ( March 29, 2017). * Framed by a tiny cutout in the fortified bunker, this particular piece of no-man's land is tinted a blood-reddish orange by the setting summer sun. It's hot as hell, and it's about to get hotter. When the sun goes down, the guns start blazing. And all that separates the men at their triggers is a grassy patch of land the size of a soccer field that is heavily mined. If you're a [[Ukrainian]] soldier here, you don't need binoculars to observe the enemy -- you just look in his direction. ** Christopher Miller, ''[http://www.businessinsider.com/ukraine-russia-crimea-war-2016-8 Ukraine is on the verge of full-scale war]'', ''{{w|Business Insider}}'' (August 9, 2016) * War challenges virtually every other institution of society—the justice and equity of its economy, the adequacy of its political systems, the energy of its productive plant, the bases, wisdom and purposes of its foreign policy. ** [[Walter Millis]], ''The Faith of an American'' (1941), p. 27. * What though the field be lost?<br>All is not lost; the unconquerable will,<br>And study of revenge, immortal hate<br>And courage never to submit or yield,<br>And what is else not to be overcome. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 105. * Heard so oft<br>In worst extremes, and on the perilous edge<br>Of battle. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 275. * Th' imperial ensign, which, full high advanc'd,<br>Shone like a meteor, streaming to the wind.<br>With gems and golden lustre rich emblazed,<br>Seraphic arms and trophies. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 536. * My sentence is for open war. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 51. * Others more mild,<br>Retreated in a silent valley, sing<br>With notes angelical to many a harp<br>Their own heroic deeds and hapless fall<br>By doom of battle. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 546. * Black it stood as night,<br>Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,<br>And shook a dreadful dart. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 670. * So frown'd the mighty combatants, that hell<br>Grew darker at their frown. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 719. * Arms on armour clashing bray'd<br>Horrible discord, and the madding wheels<br>Of brazen chariots ray'd; dire was the noise<br>Of conflict. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book VI, line 209. * To overcome in battle, and subdue<br>Nations, and bring home spoils with infinite<br>Man-slaughter, shall be held the highest pitch<br>Of human glory. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 691. * The brazen throat of war. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book XI, line 713. * No war or battle sound<br>Was heard the world around. ** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn of Christ's Nativity'', line 31. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War prosperity is like the prosperity that an earthquake or a plague brings. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]], Nation, State and Economy (1919), p. 154. * In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, wartime measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}. ** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}'' *<p>Partout, à l’origine des sociétés, on voit donc les races les plus fortes, les plus guerrières, s’attribuer le gouvernement exclusif des sociétés&#8239;; partout on voit ces races s’attribuer, dans certaines circonscriptions plus ou moins étendues, selon leur nombre et leur force, le monopole de la sécurité.</p><p>Et, ce monopole étant excessivement profitable par sa nature même, partout on voit aussi les races investies du monopole de la sécurité se livrer à des luttes acharnées, afin d’augmenter l’<s></s>''étendue de leur marché,'' le nombre de leurs consommateurs ''forcés,'' partant la quotité de leurs bénéfices.</p><p>'''La guerre était la conséquence nécessaire, inévitable de l’établissement du monopole de la sécurité.'''</p><p>Comme une autre conséquence inévitable, ce monopole devait engendrer tous les autres monopoles.</p> **[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c<small>^e</small>, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]].&nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]]. **Everywhere, when [[societies]] originate, we see the [[strongest]], most [[war]]like races seizing the exclusive [[government]] of the society.&nbsp; Everywhere we see these races seizing a [[monopoly]] on [[security]] within certain more or less extensive boundaries, depending on their number and strength.</p><p>And, this monopoly being, by its very [[nature]], extraordinarily [[profitable]], everywhere we see the races invested with the monopoly on security devoting themselves to bitter struggles, in order to <!--Page 35-->add to ''the extent of their [[market]]'', the number of their ''[[forced]]'' [[consumers]], and hence the amount of their gains.</p><p>'''[[War]] has been the [[necessary]] and [[inevitable]] [[consequence]] of the establishment of a [[monopoly]] on [[security]].'''</p><p>Another inevitable consequence has been that this monopoly has engendered all other monopolies.</p> ***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]].&nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]]. * In the wars of the European powers in matters relating to themselves we have never taken any part, nor does it comport with our policy so to do. It is only when our rights are invaded or seriously menaced that we resent injuries or make preparation for our defence. ** [[James Monroe]], Annual Message. Dec. 2, 1823. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Most of the people who get sent to die in wars are young men who've got a lot of energy and would probably rather, in a better world, be putting that energy into copulation rather than going over there and blowing some other young man's guts out. ** [[Alan Moore]], "The Craft" - interview with Daniel Whiston, ''Engine Comics'' (January 2005) * Thrilled ye ever with the story<br>How on stricken fields of glory<br>Men have stood beneath the murderous iron hail! ** [[Henry Morford]], ''Coming of the Bagpipes to Lucknow''. Poem on same story written by R. T. S. Lowell and Alexander Maclagan. * We had nae heed for the parish bell,<br> But still—when the bugle cried,<br>We went for you to Neuve Chapelle,<br>We went for you to the yetts o' Hell,<br> And there for you we died! ** [[Neil Munro]], Roving Lads. (1915). == N == [[File:Agni-II missile (Republic Day Parade 2004).jpeg|thumb|right|War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] [[File:Indian Army T-90.jpg|thumb|right|Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about. ~ [[Jawaharlal Nehru]] ]] * They hold it atrocious to kill a fellow creature; therefore war is in their eyes incomprehensible and repulsive, a thing for which their language has no word. ** [[w:Fridtjof Nansen|Fridtjof Nansen]], ''Eskimo Life'' (1891), tr. William Archer (1893), [https://books.google.com/books?id=cTJCAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA162 p. 162] in the second edition (1894) * 'Tis a principle of war that when you can use the lightning, 'tis better than cannon. ** [[Napoleon I]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Providence is always on the side of the last reserve. ** Attributed to Napoleon I. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Baptism of fire. ** Napoleon III in a letter to the Empress Eugenie after Saarbruecken. Referring to the experience of the Prince Imperial. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * We have to go along a road covered with blood. We have no other alternative. For us it is a matter of life or death, a matter of living or existing. We have to be ready to face the challenges that await us. ** [[Gamal Abdel Nasser]], speech to Egypt's National Assembly, Cairo, November 6, 1969, as reported by The Washington Post, November 7, 1969, p. 1. * '''The world of today has achieved much, but for all its declared love for humanity, it has based itself far more on hatred and violence than on the virtues that make one human. War is the negation of truth and humanity. War may be unavoidable sometimes, but its progeny are terrible to contemplate. Not mere killing, for man must die, but the deliberate and persistent propagation of hatred and falsehood, which gradually become the normal habits of the people. It is dangerous and harmful to be guided in our life's course by hatreds and aversions, for they are wasteful of energy and limit and twist the mind and prevent it from perceiving truth.''' ** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in ''[[w:The Discovery of India|The Discovery of India]]'' (1946). * '''Wars are fought to gain a certain objective. War itself is not the objective; victory is not the objective; you fight to remove the obstruction that comes in the way of your objective. If you let victory become the end in itself then you've gone astray and forgotten what you were originally fighting about.''' ** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''[[w:Picture Post|Picture Post]]'' (28 October 1950). * '''If in the modern world wars have unfortunately to be fought (and they do, it seems) then they must be stopped at the first possible moment, otherwise they corrupt us, they create new problems and make our future even more uncertain. That is more than morality; it's sense.''' ** [[Jawaharlal Nehru]], in an interview with [[w:James Cameron (journalist)|James Cameron]], ''Picture Post'' (28 October 1950). * England expects every officer and man to do his duty this day. ** Nelson—Signal, Oct. 21, 1805, to the fleet before the battle of Trafalgar. As reported in the London Times, Dec. 26, 1805. England expects that every man will do his duty. As reported by William Pryce Cunby, First Lieut. of the Bellerophon. The claim is that Nelson gave the order "Nelson confides," which was changed to "England expects." See Notes and Queries, Series VI, IX, 261.283; also Nov. 4, 1905, p. 370. * You say it is the good cause that hallows even war? I tell you: it is the good war that hallows every cause. ** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra''. * What the horrors of war are, no one can imagine — they are not wounds and blood and fever, spotted and low, or dysentery, chronic and acute, cold and heat and famine — they are intoxication, ''drunken'' brutality, demoralization and disorder on the part of the inferior, jealousies, meanness, indifference, ''selfish'' brutality on the part of the superior. ** [[Florence Nightingale]] in a letter (5 May 1855), published in ''Florence Nightingale : An Introduction to Her Life and Family'' (2001), edited by Lynn McDonald, p. 141. * A riot is a spontaneous outburst. A war is subject to advance planning. ** [[Richard Nixon]], address before the National Association of Manufacturers, New York City (December 8, 1967); James J. Kilpatrick quoted a transcript in his syndicated column in ''The Evening Star'', Washington, D.C. (December 26, 1967,) p. A13. Nixon's topic was the "war in our cities". * I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one. ** [[Richard Nixon]], on-the-record interview with C. L. Sulzberger (March 8, 1971), in ''The New York Times'' (March 10, 1971), p. 14. * A soldier of the Legion lay dying in Algiers;<br>There was lack of woman's nursing, there was dearth of woman's tears. ** [[C. E. S. Norton]] (Lady Stirling-Maxwell), ''Bingen on the Rhine''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. [[File:VietnamMural.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]] == O == [[File:SaddamStatue.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Barack Obama]]</center>]] [[File:US Navy 041114-M-8205V-005 Iraqi Special Forces Soldiers assigned to the 1st Marines, patrol south clearing every house on their way through Fallujah, Iraq, during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).jpg|thumb|That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]] * We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of war. **[[Barack Obama]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002). * I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars. **[[Barack Obama]], ''The New Yorker'' (2004) *That’s what I’m opposed to. '''A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics'''. **[[Barack Obama]], [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq] (2002) * '''It's easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward.''' It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. **[[Barack Obama]], A New Beginning (2009) * '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences'''. **[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C.] (2015) * War itself is never [[glorious]], and we must never [[trumpet]] it as such. **[[Barack Obama]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=-5FnvJEclewC&pg=PA3 Attitudes Aren't Free: Thinking Deeply About Diversity in the U.S. Armed Forces], p. 3. * '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.''' ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016) *War is a [[class conflict]], too. The rich and powerful who open war escape the consequences of their decisions. It’s not their children sent into the jaws of violence. It is often the vulnerable, the poor, & working people -who had little to no say in conflict - who pay the price. **[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1213210234732371968 ''Twitter post''] (3 January 2020) * March to the battle-field,<br> The foe is now before us;<br>Each heart is Freedom's shield,<br> And heaven is shining o'er us. ** [[B. E. O'Meara]], ''March to the Battle-Field''. [[File:Defense.gov News Photo 100816-M-9426J-001 - U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Daniel B. Wyss a squad leader with Golf Company 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment collects information from Afghans.jpg|thumb|The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent... In the long run, a hierarchical society was only possible on a basis of poverty and ignorance.~ [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']]]] [[File:Wp ss 20160316 0018.png|thumb|In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival. ~ [[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] ]] *War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognize their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word "war", therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist. **[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] *In principle the war effort is always so planned as to eat up any surplus that might exist after meeting the bare needs of the population. In practice the needs of the population are always underestimated, with the result that there is a chronic shortage of half the necessities of life; but this is looked on as an advantage. It is deliberate policy to keep even the favoured groups somewhere near the brink of hardship, because a general state of scarcity increases the importance of small privileges and thus magnifies the distinction between one group and another.... And at the same time the consciousness of being at war, and therefore in danger, makes the handing-over of all power to a small caste seem the natural, unavoidable condition of survival. **[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] *A peace that was truly permanent would be the same as a permanent war. This—although the vast majority of Party members understand it only in a shallower sense—is the inner meaning of the Party slogan: War is Peace. **[[Nineteen_Eighty-Four|George Orwell, ''1984'']] *Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible... If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened.... And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed -if all records told the same tale — then the lie passed into history and became truth. Who controls the past,' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past. And yet the past, though of its nature alterable, never had been altered. Whatever was true now was true from everlasting to everlasting. It was quite simple. All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'... ** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949), Chapter III. * There is a hill in Flanders,<br> Heaped with a thousand slain,<br>Where the shells fly night and noontide<br> And the ghosts that died in vain,<br>A little hill, a hard hill<br> To the souls that died in pain. ** [[Everard Owen]], ''Three Hills'' (1915). == P == [[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]</center>]] [[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]</center>]] [[File:March to Vincennes.jpg|thumb|These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]</center>]] [[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|War even to the knife.<br><center>~&nbsp;Palafox</center>]] [[File:Fall of Fort Sackville.jpg|thumb|Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]</center>]] [[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Thomas Paine]]</center>]] [[File:041126-M-5191K-005 - Sgt Aubrey McDade, USMC.jpg|thumb|Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men...<br><center>~&nbsp;Kirby Page</center>]] [[File:Apostle.Paul.Museum.of.the.Russian.icon.png|thumb|Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ~ [[Paul of Tarsus]]]] [[File:Ribera-platon.jpg|thumb|In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ~ [[Plato]]]] [[File:Secretary Pompeo Chats With U.S. Marines in Beijing (28921693298).jpg|thumb|What’s the cadet motto at [[w:West Point|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s — it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&M University on April 15, 2019) ~ [[Mike Pompeo]] ]] * Every war is the result of a difference of opinion. Maybe the biggest questions can only be answered by the greatest of conflicts. ** JC Denton, ''[[Deus Ex]]'', writen by Sheldon Pacotti. (June 17, 2000) * In war, force is used by the belligerents themselves, no effort being made to bring evildoers before a judicial body, each army acting as judge, jury and executioner. ** [[Kirby Page]], "[[Kirby_Page#.22What_is_War.3F.22_.281924.29|What is War?]]" (1924). * Once war consisted of individual combats between armed men. Later it was waged between lines of men in opposing trenches. Now it is organized slaughter of whole populations. ** [[Kirby Page]], "What is War?" (1924). * Tragic experience indicates that the most sacred obligations are utterly disregarded when their observance means losing the war. ** [[Kirby Page]], "What is War?" (1924). * War. War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage. ** Emil Pagliarulo, ''[[Fallout|Fallout 3]]'', interpreted by {{w|Ron Perlman}} as the narrator. (October 2008) * Those who expect to reap the blessings of [[freedom]], must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it. ** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * These are the times that try men's souls. The Summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated. ** [[Thomas Paine]], as quoted in ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War even to the knife. ** Palafox, the governor of Saragossa, when summoned to surrender by the French, who besieged that city in 1808. Generally quoted "At the point of the knife". * Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here. ** [[John Parker]]. George Stimpson, ''A Book About American History'' (1950), p. 109. Captain Parker said this to his Minutemen troops at Lexington, Massachusetts, on April 19, 1775, as they prepared to meet the British in battle. Inscription on a marker at Lexington green. * Can any thing be more ridiculous, than that a man has a right to kill me, because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his prince has a quarrel with mine, though I have none with him. ** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''Pensées'', 294 * War is organised murder, and nothing else. ** [[w:Harry Patch|Harry Patch]] (the last surviving soldier to have fought in the trenches of the First World War; reported in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/the-last-of-the-noblest-generation-1761467.html The Independent, 26 July 2009]). * Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. It is the spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains that victory. ** [[George S. Patton]], ''Cavalry Journal'' (September 1933). * ''Now in war we are confronted with conditions which are strange <br> If we accept them we will never win.'' ** [[George S. Patton]], in stanza 1 of "Absolute War" a poem composed by Patton in July 1944, during [[w:Operation Cobra|Operation Cobra]] as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson p. 492. * ''For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving <br> Or you'll never get your reward. For if you are dilatory in the search for lust or glory <br> You are up shitcreek and that's the truth, Oh, Lord.''</p><p>''So let us do real fighting, boring in and gouging, biting. <br> Let's take a chance now that we have the ball. <br> Let's forget those fine firm bases in the dreary shell raked spaces, <br> Let's shoot the works and win! Yes win it all.''</p> ** [[George S. Patton]], in stanzas 4 and 5 of "Absolute War", as quoted in ''The Patton Papers 1940-1945'' (1996) edited by Martin Blumenson, p. 492. * Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. ** [[George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the third army''. * Though [[Christians|we]] live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Second Epistle to the Corinthians]] 10:3 *But I have seen the unknown dead, those little men of the Republic. It was they who woke me up. If a stranger, an enemy, becomes a thing like that when he dies, if one stops short and is afraid to walk over him, it means that even beaten our enemy is someone, that after having shed his blood, one must placate it, give this blood a voice, justify the man who shed it. Looking at certain dead is humiliating. One has the impression that the same fate that threw these bodies to the ground holds us nailed to the spot to see them, to fill our eyes with the sight. It's not fear, not our usual cowardice. One feels humiliated because one understands–touching it with one's eyes–that we might be in their place ourselves: there would be no difference, and if we live we owe it to this dirtied corpse. That is why every war is a civil war; every fallen man resembles one who remains and calls him to account. ** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The house on the hill''. *War makes men barbarous because, to take part in it, one must harden oneself against all regret, all appreciation of delicacy and sensitive values. One must live ''as if those values did not exist'', and when the war is over one has lost the resilience to return to those values. **[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1939-09-09}} * [[Hell]], [[Heaven]] or Hoboken by Christmas. ** Attributed to General John Joseph Pershing. (1918). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * [[Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Lafayette]], we are here. ** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]]. At the tomb of Lafayette. (1918). On the authority of a letter from the General's military secretary to George Morgan, Jan. 4, 1919. * Infantry, Artillery, Aviation—all that we have—are yours to dispose of as you will…. I have come to say to you that the American people would be proud to be engaged in the greatest battle in history. ** Gen. [[John J. Pershing|John Joseph Pershing]] to Gen. Foch, Letter written from Office of the Commander-in-Chief, American Expeditionary Forces, in France. See "Literary Digest History of World War," Volume V, p. 43. March 28, 1918. * ''Ils ne passeront pas.'' ** They shall not pass. *** [[Philippe Pétain|General Pétain]]. At the end of Feb., 1916, General de Castelnau was sent by General Joffre to decide whether Verdun should be abandoned or defended. He consulted with General Pétain, saying: "They (the Germans) must not pass." General Pétain said: "They shall not pass." In France the people credit it to General Joffre. See N. Y. Times, May 6, 1917. *The story starts March 18, 2019, in a big [[w:United States Air Force|Air Force]] combat operations center in [[w:Al Udeid Air Base|Al Udeid]] in Qatar. And there we have, it almost looks like mission command for [[NASA]]. You have banks of [[computers]], big screens, all of them watching the air war against the [[Islamic State]]... on this day, a lot of people in the command center are watching a drone that was flying up overhead. Now, what they saw was a field that was just littered with a tangle of cars and makeshift tents of debris of the leftovers from weeks of combat. But also within there was a lot of people. And the drone hovered over and focused in on a group of women and children who had found refuge down by the river against a steep sand bank. The drone, it lingered for several minutes, slowly circling with its cameras focused on these folks, either sleeping or just laying down low to take cover from whatever combat might be coming. And the people in the operation center were calmly watching this when, suddenly... an American [[w:F-15|F-15]] attack jet came right through and dropped a large bomb dead center into this group of women and children... killing nearly all of them. **[[David Philipps|Dave Philipps]] quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/15/podcasts/the-daily/us-airstrike-casualties-isis.html?showTranscript=1 How the U.S. Hid a Deadly Airstrike], by [[W:Sabrina Tavernise|Sabrina Tavernise]], ''New York Times'' November 15th, 2021 * γλυκύ δ᾽ἀπείρῳ πόλεμος.<br/>πεπειραμένων δέ τις ταρβεῖ προσιόντα νιν καρδία περισσῶς. * '''[[War]] is sweet to those who have no [[experience]] of it, <br/>but the experienced man trembles exceedingly at heart on its approach.''' ** [[Pindar]], Fragment 110; page 377. *** This phrase is the origin of the Latin proverb "''Dulce bellum inexpertis''" which is sometimes misattributed to [[Desiderius Erasmus‎]]. *** Variant translations: :::* '''War is sweet to them that know it not.''' :::* War is sweet to those not acquainted with it :::* War is sweet to those who do not know it. :::* War is sweet to those that never have experienced it. :::* War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. * From the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]]'s waters to the icy lakes of [[Maine]],<br>Let all exult, for we have met the enemy again.<br>Beneath their stern old mountains we have met them in their pride;<br>And rolled from Buena Vista back the battle's bloody tide,<br>Where the enemy came surging swift like the Mississippi's flood,<br>And the Reaper, Death, with strong arms swung his sickle red with blood.<br>Santa Anna boasted loudly that before two hours were past<br>His Lancers through Saltillo should pursue us fierce and fast.<br>On comes his solid infantry, line marching after line.<br>Lo! their great standards in the sun like sheets of silver shine. ** Gen. Albert Pike—Battle of Buena Vista. *As an investigative journalist, I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of [[w:whistle-blowers|whistle-blowers]]. The truth about the [[Vietnam War]] was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the [[W:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers.]] The truth about [[Iraq War|Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]], and [[Saudi Arabia]] and many other flashpoints was told when [[WikiLeaks]] published the revelations of whistle-blowers. **[[John Pilger]] in [https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 ''Real journalists act as agents of people, not power, Daily Star (Bangladesh)''] (16 January 2019) * If I were an American, as I am an [[English people|Englishman]], while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms,—never! never! never! ** [[William Pitt the Elder]] (Nov. 18, 1777). *When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader. **[[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book VIII, 566e. * The inexperienced in wisdom and virtue, ever occupied with feasting and such, are carried downward, and there, as is fitting, they wander their whole life long, neither ever looking upward to the truth above them nor rising toward it, nor tasting pure and lasting pleasures. Like cattle, always looking downward with their heads bent toward the ground and the banquet tables, they feed, fatten, and fornicate. In order to increase their possessions they kick and butt with horns and hoofs of steel and kill each other, insatiable as they are. ** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'' 586a-b. * He who first called money the sinews of the state seems to have said this with special reference to war. ** [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Cleomenes''. 27. * Sylla proceeded by persuasion, not by arms. ** [[Plutarch]], ''Lysander and Sylla Compared''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * [[w:Lucius Aemilius Paulus Macedonicus|Paulus Aemilius]], on taking command of the forces in Macedonia, and finding them talkative and impertinently busy, as though they were all commanders, issued out his orders that they should have only ready hands and keen swords, and leave the rest to him. ** [[Plutarch]], ''Plutarch's Lives'', trans. John Dryden, rev. A. H. Clough (1859), life of Galba, vol. 5, p. 456. * It is the province of kings to bring wars about; it is the province of God to end them. ** [[w:Reginald Pole|Cardinal Pole]], to [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]]. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. *What’s the cadet motto at [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]? You will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do. I was the [[CIA]] director. We lied, we cheated, we stole. It’s — it was like — we had entire training courses. It reminds you of the glory of the American experiment. (Speech at Texas A&M University on April 15, 2019) **[[Mike Pompeo]], [https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-21/i-was-cia-director-we-lied-we-cheated-we-stole ''I Was The CIA Director - We Lied, We Cheated, We Stole, ZeroHedge'',Tyler Durden Sun,] (21 April 2019) * She saw her sons with purple death expire,<br>Her sacred domes involved in rolling fire,<br>A dreadful series of intestine wars,<br>Inglorious triumphs and dishonest scars. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Windsor Forest'', line 323. *War is bad, heaven knows, but [[slavery]] is far worse. If the doom of slavery is not sealed by the war, I shall curse the day I entered the Army. **Walter Stone Poor, a Union soldier from [[w:Maine in the American Civil War|Maine]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&pg=PA117 letter to George Fox] (15 May 1861), Sandy Hook * Porter states that "the crime [of rape] was principally that of stealing or abducting a woman from her rightful proprietors, normally her father or husband. [citation omitted] Moreover, in the case of a maiden, rape destroyed her property value on the marriage amrket, and...heaped shame on her family. ....Violated daughters might be given as offerings to nunneries, and in many societies they were married off to the abductor or rapists." ** [[Roy Porter]], ''Rape - Does it have a Historical Meaning?'', in ''RAPE: AN HISTORICAL AND SOCIAL ENQUIRY 217'' (Sylvana Tomaselli & Roy Porter eds., 1986); as quoted in Kelly Dawn Askin, (1997). [https://books.google.com/books?id=ThfzGvSvQ2UC&hl=en War Crimes Against Women: Prosecution in International War Crimes Tribunals. Martinus Nijhoff Publishers. ISBN 978-90-411-0486-1. p.21 * When there's a war around take the day off, that's my motto. **[[Terry Pratchett]], ''Interesting Times''. * The waves<br>Of the mysterious death-river moaned;<br>The tramp, the shout, the fearful thunder-roar<br>Of red-breathed cannon, and the wailing cry<br>Of myriad victims, filled the air. ** [[George D. Prentice]], ''Lookout Mountain'', line 16. * A man is known by the Company he joins.<br>Bad communication trenches corrupt good manners.<br>Never look a gift gun in the mouth.<br>A drop of oil in time saves time.<br>One swallow doesn't make a rum issue.<br>Where there's a war there's a way. ** Proverbial sayings, popular in the Great War. Origin about 1917. * In the early 1970s, senior generals of the [[w:SADF|SADF]] asked the council for "aggressive" chemical and biological warfare agents and help in starting a chemical and biological warfare industry. council for Scientific and Industrial Research Director J. W. de Villiers objected to the chemical and biological warfare proposals because he felt that [[Africa]] was not the kind of continent for [[w:Chemical warfare|chemical]] and [[w:Biological warfare|biological warfare]] and that it was too "complex" and too expensive to develop. In 1974, de Villiers wrote a ten-page report in which he estimated that it would cost 500 million rand (more than US$500 million in 1974 dollars) to build a chemical and biological warfare program. De Villiers concluded that the [[Soviet Union]] was too well armed with chemical and biological and [[nuclear weapons]] and would retaliate against any chemical and biological warfare attack. De Villiers's skepticism reflected a widespread concern among military analysts about the usefulness of chemical and biological weapons in Africa given the [[heat]] and the the possibility that shifting [[winds]] could blow chemical agents onto one's own troops or spread biological agents into one's own population through [[food]] and [[water]]. ** Helen E. Purkitt; Stephen Franklin Burgess (2005). ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=XEoVJIfU1DoC&pg=PA94 South Africa's Weapons of Mass Destruction]''. Indiana University Press. p. 89. == Q == * If this bill passes … as it will be the right of all, so it will be the duty of some, to prepare definitely for a separation, amicably if they can, violently if they must. ** [[Josiah Quincy]], speech, In Congress. Jan. 14, 1811, against the admission of Louisiana to the Union. Quoted by Henry Clay in Congress (1813), "Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must." *Cœdes videtur significare sanguinem et ferrum. ** (Slaughter) means blood and iron. ** [[Quintilian]], ''Declamationes''. == R == [[File:Howard Chandler Christy - Gee I wish I were a Man, I'd Join the Navy - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]] [[File:William_Holman_Hunt_-_The_Scapegoat.jpg|thumb|Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]] [[File:Taijiquan_forms_-_Chenjiagou.jpg|thumb|According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were peace conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making [[youth]] fit and [[healthy]], namely, a [[satisfying]] [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]] [[File:Swedish_Blonde_Police.jpg|thumb|The [[suppression]] of natural [[sexual]] gratification leads to various kinds of substitute gratifications. Natural [[aggression]], for example, becomes [[w:Brutal|brutal]] [[w:Sadism|sadism]] which then is an essential mass-[[psychological]] factor in [[w:Imperialistic|imperialistic]] [[wars]]. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]] [[File:Estandarte_de_Cortes_en_anno_1521.jpeg|thumb|[[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ~ [[Wilhelm Reich]]]] * ''Ouvrez toujours à vos ennemis toutes les portes et chemin, et plutot leur faites un pont d'argent, afin de les renvoyer.'' ** Always open all gates and roads to your enemies, and rather make for them a bridge of silver, to get rid of them. ** [[François Rabelais]], ''Gargantua'', Book I, Chapter XLIII. Count de Pitillan, according to Gilles Corrozet—Les Divers Propos Memorables (1571) uses the same phrase with "golden" bridge for "silver." The same suggestion was made by Aristides, referring to the proposal to destroy Xerxes' bridge of ships over the Hellespont. ("A bridge for a retreating army.") See [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Demosthenes''. Louis II, Brantome, ''Memoirs'', Volume I, II, p. 83. Also French translation. of Thomasi, ''Life of Cæsar Borgia'', p. 64. * Lastly, forget good sportsmanship on the field of battle. War is not a refereed football game but the dirtiest game yet devised by human minds. And, if for one moment you feel soft towards that [[Nazism|Nazi]] shooting at you, remember he's trying to kill you and, if he had the chance, he'd drive your dad into slavery, cut your mother's throat, rape your wife, sister, sweetheart, or daughter. You'll get no quarter from him. Give him none! ** [[Edson Raff]], ''We Jumped to Fight'' (1944), p. 204 * I want to stand by my country, but I cannot vote for war. I vote no. ** [[w:Jeannette Rankin|Jeannette Rankin]], casting her vote against the United States entering World War I, in the early hours of April 6, 1917, as reported by ''The New York Times'' (April 6, 1917), p. 1. Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the first woman elected to Congress, where she served 1917–1919 and 1941–1943. Not only did she vote against World War I, she was the only member of Congress to oppose declaring war on Japan in December 1941. * '''History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap'''. ** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to the nation from the White House (16 January 1984). * A single pipe broken by a high-impact [[w:explosive|explosive]] [[weapon]] can deprive 100,000 people of [[water]]. That same weapon may also destroy the neighbourhood’s [[w:sewage system|sewage system]], causing thousands to fall [[ill]] and placing further strain on already overstretched [[w:hospitals|hospitals]]. <br> Local economies collapse and populations flee, leaving fewer [[doctors]] and [[engineers]], and no [[money]] to pay the salaries of those who remain. The acute pain caused by one attack triggers a ripple effect of long-term suffering that leaves no part of life unscathed. ** ''Red Cross'', [http://cityatwar.icrc.org/ “I saw my city die”]. * I never [[kill]] [[faces]]. These are the enemy, but if I don’t define things too closely, then I won’t miss any [[sleep]] tonight. ** [[w:Robert Reed|Robert Reed]], ''Prayer,'' in [[w:Rich Horton|Rich Horton]] (ed.) ''[[w:The Year’s Best Science Fiction & Fantasy 2013|The Year’s Best Science Fiction & Fantasy 2013]],'' p. 172 [http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/reed_05_12/ (Originally published at Clarkesworld #68] May, 2012) * War on the cheap is always a rotten policy. ** [[w:William Rees-Mogg|William Rees-Mogg]], Baron Rees-Mogg, English newspaper editor and journalist. From an article in, The Mail on Sunday, 4th October 2009. * From the point of view of mass [[psychology]], the effect of militarism is based essentially on a libidinous mechanism. The sexual effect of a uniform, the erotically provocative effect of rhythmically executed goose-stepping, the exhibitionistic nature of militaristic procedures, have been more practically comprehended by a salesgirl or an average secretary than by our most erudite [[politicians]]. On the other hand it is political reaction that consciously exploits these sexual interests. It not only designs flashy uniforms for the men, it puts the recruiting into the hands of attractive women. In conclusion, let us but recall the recruiting posters of war-thirsty powers, which ran something as follows: ‘Travel to foreign countries — join the Royal Navy I’ and the foreign countries were portrayed by exotic women. And why are these posters effective? Because our youth has become sexually starved owing to sexual suppression. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 31. * [[Catholic]] [[Christianity]] in particular has long since divested itself of the [[revolutionary]], i.e., rebellious, character of the primitive Christian movement. It seduces its millions of devotees into accepting war as an act of [[fate]], as a ‘[[punishment]] of [[sin]]’. Wars are indeed the consequences of sins, but entirely different sins from those conceived of by Catholicism. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]] in ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 230. * Under the influence of [[politicians]], [[masses]] of people tend to ascribe the [[responsibility]] for wars to those who wield [[power]] at any given [[time]]. In the [[First World War]] it was the [[munitions]] [[industrialists]]; in the [[Second World War]] it was the [[psychopathic]] [[w:General officer|generals]] who were said to be [[guilty]]. This is [[w:Buck passing|passing the buck]]. The responsibility for wars falls solely upon the shoulders of these same masses of people, for they have all the necessary means to avert war in their own [[hands]]. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 345. * People like to think of war as a ‘social thunderstorm’. It is said that it ‘purifies’ the atmosphere; it has its great benefits -it ‘hardens the [[youth]]’ and makes them [[courageous]]. As far as that goes, people say, we have always had and will always have wars. They are biologically motivated. According to [[Darwin]], the ‘[[struggle]] for [[existence]]’ is the [[law]] of [[life]]. Why, then, were [[peace]] conferences organized? Nor have I ever heard that bears or elephants split up into two camps and annihilate one another. In the [[animal]] kingdom there are no wars within the same [[species]]. Like [[sadism]], war among one’s own kind is an acquisition of ‘[[civilised]] man'. No, for some reason or another, man shies away from putting his finger on the [[causes]] of war. And there can be no [[doubt]] that better ways than war exist of making youth fit and [[healthy]], namely, a satisfying [[love]] life, [[pleasurable]] and steady [[work]], general [[sports]] and [[freedom]] from the malicious [[gossip]] of [[old]] [[maids]]. In short, such [[arguments]] are hollow chatter. ** [[Wilhelm Reich]], "The biological miscalculation in the human struggle for freedom (part I)", (1975), ''Journal of Orgonomy'' Vol 9, Issue 1. * And he gathered them together into a place called in the [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew tongue]] Armageddon. ** [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]], XVI. 16. Armageddon. Correct reading is Har-Magedon, signifying Mountain of Megiddo. Authorized version, City of Megiddo. Mount Megiddo possibly Mount Carmel. The plain of Megiddo lay at its foot. Scene of many battles. * Then I saw when the Lamb broke one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures saying as with a voice of thunder, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a white horse, and he who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer. ** Revelation 6:1-2 * Twelve mailed men sat drinking late,<br> The wine was red as blood.<br>Cried one, "How long then must we wait<br>Ere we shall thunder at the gate,<br> And crush the cursed brood?"<br>Twelve men of iron, drinking late,<br>Strike hands, and pledge a cup of hate:<br>* "The Day!" ** [[Charles Alex Richmond]], ''The Day''. * When I hear about our young men and women who are sent off to war in the name of God and Country, and who give up their lives for no rational cause at all, my heart is crushed. What has happened to my country? we have become worse than the imagined enemy - killing civilians and calling it 'collateral damage', torturing and trampling [[human rights]] inside and outside our own borders, violating our own Constitution whenever it seems convenient, lying and stealing right and left, more concerned with [[sports]] on [[television]] and ring-tones on [[w:Cell phones|cell-phones]] than the future of the world. [...] The violent turmoil initiated by the [[Iraq War|United States military invasion of Iraq]] will beget future centuries of slaughter, if the human race lasts that long. First we spit on the [[United Nations]], then we expect them to clean up our mess. Our elected representatives are supposed to find diplomatic and benevolent solutions to these situations. Anyone can lash out and retaliate, that is not leadership or vision. Where is the wisdom and honor of the people we delegate our trust to? To the rest of the world we are cowards - demanding [[Iraq]] to disarm, and after they comply, we attack with remote-control high-tech [[Video game|video-game]] weapons. And then lie about our reasons for invading. We the people bear complete responsibility for all that will follow, and it won't be pretty. [...] "'''Who would [[Jesus]] bomb?'''" This question is primarily addressing a Christian audience, but the same issues face the Muslims and the Jews: '''God's message is tolerance and love, not [[self-righteousness]] and [[hatred]].''' Please consider "Thou shalt not kill" and "As ye sow, so shall ye reap". Not a lot of ambiguity there. [...] '''Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country. I will not participate in your charade - my conscience will not allow me to be a part of your crusade.''' ** [[w:Malachi Ritscher|Malachi Ritscher]], [http://www.savagesound.com/gallery99.htm suicide note] (2006). * The war is a [[Hallucination|halucination]] of those without [[homeland]]. ** [[Borislav Ristić]], [https://m.vecernji.hr/premium/rat-je-halucinacija-onih-bez-domovine-1263380 "Rat je halucinacija onih bez domovine"] ''Večernji list''. Published 11th August 2018. * If we are to end our wars, we have to dispense with a threatening, vengeful, bloodthirsty God. If we're to have any kind of world brotherhood, we have to dispense with a God who reserves his favors for a chosen few. Life is given to all. The sun shines freely on each of us. Would a God be less kindly? More than this, we must also dispense with our species God, and extend our ideas of divinity outward to the rest of nature which couches us and our religious theorizing with such a gracious and steady support. ** [[Jane Roberts]], ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 63. * The morning came, there stood the foe;<br> Stark eyed them as they stood;<br>Few words he spoke—'twas not a time<br> For moralizing mood:<br>"See there the enemy, my boys!<br> Now, strong in valor's might,<br>Beat them or Betty Stark will sleep<br> In widowhood to-night." ** [[J. P. Rodmen]], ''Battle of Bennington''. *Lo, steel-clad War his gorgeous standard rears !<br>The red-cross squadrons madly rage,<br> And mow thro' infancy and age... **[[Samuel Rogers]], ''Ode to Superstition'' III.2. (1786). * I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it. ** [[Will Rogers]], syndicated column (July 5, 1933); in ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 1933, p. 23). Disraeli is another who had an unsanguine view of conferences: "The Conference lasted six weeks. It wasted six weeks. It lasted as long as a Carnival, and, like a Carnival, it was an affair of masks and mystification. Our Ministers went to it as men in distressed circumstances go to a place of amusement—to while away the time, with a consciousness of impending failure". Speech in the House of Commons on Denmark and Germany, vote of censure (July 4, 1864), ''Hansard's Parliamentary Debates'', 3d series, vol. 176, col. 743. * I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with [[w:Costa Rica|Costa Rica]] and come home with our shirts on. ** [[Will Rogers]], Paula McSpadden Love, ''The Will Rogers Book'' (1972), p. 177. The author was a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma. * Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. ** [[Will Rogers]] as quoted in ''Wit'' (2003) by Des MacHale, p. 299 * You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. ** [[Will Rogers]], ''The Autobiography of Will Rogers'' (1949) * Since I am an immature and wicked man, war and unrest appeal to me more than good [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] order. [[Cruelty|Brutality]] is respected, the people need wholesome fear. They want to fear someone. They want someone to frighten them and make them shudderingly submissive. ** [[Ernst Röhm ]], Cited in "The Nazis: A Warning from History", Disc 1, 10:48. Also quoted in "The Face of the Third Reich: Portraits of the Nazi Leadership" - Page 139 by Joachim C. Fest - History - 1999. * And while I am talking to you mothers and fathers, I give you one more assurance. I have said this before, but I shall say it again and again and again: Your boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars. ** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign speech, Boston, Massachusetts (October 30, 1940); in ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 517. * To you men who, in your turn, have come together to spend and be spent in the endless crusade against wrong; to you who face the future resolute and confident; to you who strive in a spirit of brotherhood for the betterment of our nation; to you who gird yourselves for this great new fight in the never-ending warfare for the good of mankind, I say in closing what I said in that speech in closing: "We stand at Armageddon and we battle for the Lord." ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], speech, at Chicago, Progressive Convention, Aug. 5, 1912, quoting from his speech in June. * Righteous Heaven,<br>In thy great day of vengeance! Blast the traitor<br>And his pernicious counsels, who, for wealth,<br>For pow'r, the pride of greatness, or revenge,<br>Would plunge his native land in civil wars. ** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Jane Shore'' (1714), Act III, scene 1, line 198. * War, the needy bankrupt's last resort. ** [[Nicholas Rowe]], ''Pharsalia'', Book I. 343. * War does not develop the virtues of peace. . .It is not a school that teaches respect for the person or property of others. * When the rules of civilized society are suspended, when killing becomes a business and a sign of valor and heroism, when the wanton destruction of peaceable women and. children becomes an act of virtue, and is praised as a service to God and country, then it seems almost useless to talk about crime in the ordinary sense. * [There is] an obliteration of all the religious, moral and legal habits which acted as a barrier against acts of murder or of aggression against personal inviolability. :* Betty B. Rosenbaum, [https://scholarlycommons.law.northwestern.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2911&context=jclc "Relationship Between War and Crime in the United States"], ''Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology'', Volume 30, Issue 5, January-February, 1940. *Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as [[September 11 attacks|9/11]]. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal [[Terrorism|terrorist]] strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory. **[[Arundhati Roy]], [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002) *To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for TV specials sponsored by corporations selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue grief, to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people. **[[Arundhati Roy]], [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002) * He never would believe that Providence had sent a few men into the world, ready booted and spurred to ride, and millions ready saddled and bridled to be ridden. ** [[Richard Rumbold]], at his execution (1685). See Macaulay—History of England, Chapter V. * It makes me hate war, but it doesn't make me believe that we're in a world that can live without war yet. ** Lt. Josh Rushing, Pentagon spokesman, in ''[[w:Control Room (film)|Control Room]]'' (2004), upon viewing footage of dead and wounded American soldiers in Iraq * '''I have seen war.''' I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. '''I hate war.''' ** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], August 1936 speech in Chautauqua, New York, reported in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,756504,00.html?promoid=googlep Time magazine]. * Those who took refuge in the cave of Zeret tried to reproduce their traditional way of life underground, far from the omnivoyance of the [[Italian]] colonial army. This seems to be a characteristic of 20th century war: from the [[w:Madrid Metro|Madrid tube]] in the 1930s to the present [[Al-Qaeda]] bunkers in [[Afghanistan]], all the way through the [[w:Vietcong|Vietcong]] tunnels and the [[American]] [[w:Fallout shelter|nuclear shelters]] of the 1960s. Talking about the [[Iraq War]], Stephen Graham (2004: 18) writes: ‘this time... the key is between trans-global, near instantaneous killing power, operating on the fringes of the outer space, and deep, subterranean, terrestrial space’. Except for the outer space, though, there is nothing really new in the [[War on Terror|War against Terror]]—an offspring of [[colonial]] warfare (Mbembe 2003). For the last hundred years, against the destructiveness of industrial war, the only option of survival has been going underground. And this is what the followers of Abebe Aregai did. ** Alfredo González-Ruibal, Yonatan Sahle and Xurxo Ayán Vila, [https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/36054473.pdf “A social archaeology of colonial war in Ethiopia”], ''World Archeology'', Vol. 43, (04, Mar 2011), p.8 * '''Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.''' ** [[Bertrand Russel]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78<!--79--> * [The Russians] dashed on towards that thin line tipped with steel. ** W. H. Russell—The British Expedition to the Crimea. (Revised edition), p. 187. Also in his Letters to the London Times, Oct. 25, 1854. Speaking of the 93rd Highlanders at Balaclava. Credit for authorship of "the thin red line" claimed by Russell in a letter printed in Notes and Queries, series 8, VII, p. 191. == S == [[File:USMC-00772.jpg|thumb|I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. "War," a friend of mine said, "is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity." ~ [[Zainab Salbi]]]] [[File:RIAN archive 662758 Recruits entering Voroshilov Barracks.jpg|thumb|Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Carl Sandburg]]</center>]] [[File:New Orleans h76369k.jpg|thumb|War is hell.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]</center>]] [[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot to carry war.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]</center>]] [[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]</center>]] [[File:Hiroshima 10km.jpg|thumb|You might as well appeal against the thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[William Tecumseh Sherman]]</center>]] [[File:Bruce Crandall's UH-1D.jpg|thumb|War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!<br><center>~&nbsp;[[w:Edwin Starr|Edwin Starr]]</center>]] [[File:CDR Michele Day, USN (X.O.).jpg|thumb|War! war! war! Heaven aid the right! God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight! God send the women sleep in the long, long night... When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Edmund Clarence Stedman]]</center>]] [[File:VNWarMontage.png|thumb|right|A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Adlai Stevenson II]]</center>]] [[File:Count and Countess László Széchenyi.jpg|thumb|War is caused by greed. ~ [[László Széchenyi]]]] * I grew up in [[Iraq war|war-torn Iraq]], and '''I believe that there are two sides of wars and we've only seen one side of it. We only talk about one side of it. But there's another side that I have witnessed as someone who lived in it and someone who ended up working in it.''' ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * I grew up with the colors of war -- the red colors of fire and blood, the brown tones of earth as it explodes in our faces and the piercing silver of an exploded missile, so bright that nothing can protect your eyes from it. I grew up with the sounds of war -- the staccato sounds of gunfire, the wrenching booms of explosions, ominous drones of jets flying overhead and the wailing warning sounds of sirens. These are the sounds you would expect, but they are also the sounds of dissonant concerts of a flock of birds screeching in the night, the high-pitched honest cries of children and the thunderous, unbearable silence. '''"War," a friend of mine said, "is not about sound at all. It is actually about silence, the silence of humanity."''' ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * '''I have learned not only that the colors and the sounds of war are the same, but the fears of war are the same. You know, there is a fear of dying.''' ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * '''There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means.''' ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * To accept the legitimacy of the state is to embrace the necessity for war. ** [[L.K. Samuels]], “Iraq and the Roots of War,” ''California Freedom'' (June 2007). * Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come. ** [[Carl Sandburg]], "The People, Yes", ''The People, Yes'' (1936), stanza 23, line 23, republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 464. *Mr. Speaker, in the brief time I have let me give you five reasons why I'm opposed to giving the President a blank check to launch a unilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq and why I will vote against this resolution. One: I have not heard any estimates of how many young American men and women might die in such a war, or how many tens of thousands of women and children in Iraq might also be killed. As a caring nation, we should do everything we can to prevent the horrible suffering that a war will cause. War must be the last recourse in international relations, not the first. Second... If President Bush believes that the US can go to war at any time against any nation, what moral or legal obligation can our government raise if another country chose to do the same thing. **[[Bernie Sanders]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFw1btbkLM Speech on Iraq War Resolution in US House of Representatives] (9 October 2002) * Irregular combatants are at their most effective in cities. They cannot easily shoot down planes, nor fight tanks in open fields. Instead, they draw the enemy into cities, and undermine the key advantage of today’s major powers, whose mechanised weapons are of little use in dense and narrow urban spaces. ** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018). * The [[US]] now has training camps featuring imitation “[[Arab]]” urban districts, and has picked up the [[Israeli]] practice of entering a dense neighbourhood not via the [[street]], but by crossing through [[homes]] – a parallel pathway to the street, running from one interior room to another by carving holes in contiguous [[walls]], and dealing with the inhabitants as they come across them. <br> They have learned, above all, that the city itself has become an obstacle. And while it is true that they can simply bomb a city to pieces – as we’ve seen with the bombing of [[w:Aleppo|Aleppo]] and other cities by [[Syria]]’s government and its allies – we have not recently seen the total [[destruction]] of the [[w:Atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima nuclear attack]] or the [[w:Fire bombing of Dresden|fire-bombing of Dresden]]. ** Saskia Sassen, [https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/jan/30/new-war-rise-endless-urban-conflict-saskia-sassen “Welcome to a new kind of war: the rise of endless urban conflict”], ''The Guardian'', (30 Jan 2018), last modified on (11 May 2018). * When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality. That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. <br> And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his. There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died. When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives. An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it. A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death. So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill. ** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “The Commencement Address of Rod Serling”], ''Ithica College New York''; (May 13,1972), pp.3-4 * Another fucking war, man. I don't know where to begin, but I'll start with the radical leaders. Their steps we're following. ** [[w:Avenged Sevenfold|Matthew Charles Sanders]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPpLVdbVXFI "Blinded in Chains"] (2005), ''City of Evil'' * Only the dead have seen the end of war. ** [[George Santayana]], ''Soliloquies in England and Later Soliloquies'' (1922); this is often misattributed to [[Plato]][http://plato-dialogues.org/faq/faq008.htm]. * '''Let no one ever, from henceforth say one word in any way countenancing war.''' It is dangerous even to speak of how here and there the individual may gain some hardship of soul by it. For '''war is hell, and those who institute it are criminals. Were there even anything to say for it, it should not be said; for its spiritual disasters far outweigh any of its advantages.''' ** [[Siegfried Sassoon]], As quoted by Robert Nichols in his introduction to ''The Counter-Attack and Other Poems'' (1918) * The fundamental of war has always been dehumanizing the enemy, seeing him as a soulless animal. ** [[Robert J. Sawyer]], ''Factoring Humanity'' (1998), Chapter 41 *Many [[democrats]], [[Liberalism|liberals]], [[w:Traditional conservatives|traditional conservatives]], and even some [[Left-wing politics|leftists]] continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by [[Donald Trump]]. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....<BR>Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to [[Cold War]] posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout [[Latin America]] and the [[w:Caribbean|Caribbean]]. On [[Global warming|climate change]], Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major [[corporations]] and the [[Military-industrial complex|military industry]] over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans. **[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier, ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021) * ''Qui fuit peut revenir aussi;<br>Qui meurt, il n'en est pas ainsi.'' ** He who flies can also return; but it is not so with him who dies. ** Scarron. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Ein Schlachten war's, nicht eine Schlacht, zu nennen!<br> It was a slaughter rather than a battle. ** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Die Jungfrau von Orleans'', I. 9. 50. * Est ist hier wie in den alten Zeiten<br>Wo die Klinge noch alles that bedeuten. ** It is now as in the days of yore when the sword ruled all things. ** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ;;Wallenstein's Lager;;, VI. 140. * War is not healthy for children and other living things. ** Lorraine Art Schneider, Mother's Day card (1967) for [[w:Another Mother for Peace|Another Mother for Peace]], used in the organization's logo. See [http://www.swarthmore.edu/Library/peace/DG100-150/DG102AMP.html Swarthmore College Peace Collection]. * ''Hosti non solum dandam esse viam fugiendi verum etiam muniendam.'' ** Give the enemy not only a road for flight, but also a means of defending it. ** [[Scipio Africanus]], according to Frontinus, ''Strateg'', IV. 7. 16. * One blast upon his bugle horn<br> Were worth a thousand men. ** [[Walter Scott]], ''Lady of the Lake'' (1810), Canto VI, Stanza 18. * In the lost battle,<br> Borne down by the flying,<br>Where mingles war's rattle<br> With groans of the dying. ** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto III, Stanza 11. * "Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!"<br>Were the last words of Marmion. ** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 32. * Still from the sire the son shall hear<br>Of the stern strife, and carnage drear,<br> Of Flodden's fatal field,<br>When shiver'd was fair Scotland's spear,<br> And broken was her shield! ** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, Stanza 34. * There was a stately drama writ<br> By the hand that peopled the earth and air,<br>And set the stars in the infinite,<br> And made night gorgeous and morning fair;<br>And all that had sense to reason knew<br>That bloody drama must be gone through.<br>Some sat and watched how the action veered—<br>Waited, profited, trembled, cheered—<br>We saw not clearly nor understood,<br> But yielding ourselves to the masterhand,<br>Each in his part as best he could,<br> We played it through as the author planned. ** [[Alan Seeger]], ''The Hosts''. * Too many wars are fought almost as if by rote. Too many wars are fought out of sloganry, out of battle hymns, out of aged, musty appeals to patriotism that went out with knighthood and moats. Love your country because it is eminently worthy of your affection. Respect it because it deserves your respect. Be loyal to it because it cannot survive without your loyalty. But do not accept the shedding of blood as a natural function or a prescribed way of history, even if history points this up by its repetition. That men die for causes does not necessarily sanctify that cause. And that men are maimed and torn to pieces every fifteen and twenty years does not immortalize or deify the act of war. Are you tough enough, young ladies and gentlemen, to try to build a world in which young men can live out their lives in fruitful pursuit of a decent, enriching consummation of both his talents and his hopes. But if survival calls for the bearing of arms, bear them, you must. As we all have. ** [[Rod Serling]], [https://rodserling.com/rod-serlings-1968-commencement-address/ ”Rod Serling’s 1968 Commencement Address of Rod Serlig to Binghamton Central High School Graduates”], (January 28th, 1968) * When you leave here today, if you agree with me, and others, give thought if you will to the inconsistencies of our national morality. That we can punish civil disobedience that finds expression in a revulsion against death – and yet remain strangely unmoved by acts of murder against victims we are supposedly helping, and are ourselves dying for. <br> And even if you don’t agree – give thought to the whole adventure of war. It has been your fathers lot, and mine, and his. There has not been even a spasmodic moment when young men have not fought and died. When the solons, and the aged heads of state have not in their infinite wisdom and consummate judgment, sent the young off to end their lives. An obscure poet named [[w:Arthur Daidson Ficke Arthur Daidson Ficke ]]|, wrote this in the 19th century: “Old men in impotence can beget new wars to kill the lusty young; Young men can sing, old men forget…That any song was every sung.” Don’t you forget that song, the words, the music, the symphony to living. Remember that you can’t necessarily sanctify a cause by virtue of the fact that men die for it. A death in a worthless or even questionable cause is a pointless, meaningless, tragically premature death. So when, in future times, men ask you to prove patriotism and loyalty and affection for your native land – remember that these things are not always equated with a willingness to die or to kill. ** Rod Serling, [https://rodserling.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Serling_Commencement_IC_1972.pdf “Commencement Address of Rod Serling to Ithica College New York"], (May 13, 1972), pp.3-4 * Fortune is always on the side of the largest battalions. ** [[Marie de Rabutin-Chantal, marquise de Sévigné]], ''Letters'', 202. * It is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and enduring forces. ** [[William H. Seward]], speech, The Irrepressible Conflict. Oct. 25, 1858. * They got [[money]] for wars, but can't feed the [[poor]]. ** [[Tupac Shakur]], ''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'', "Keep Ya Head Up", (February 16, 1993). * There was only one virtue, pugnacity; only one vice, pacifism. That is an essential condition of war. ** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Heartbreak House''. Preface. Madness in Court. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * In the arts of life man invents nothing; but in the arts of death he outdoes Nature herself, and produces by chemistry and machinery all the slaughter of plague, pestilence and famine. ** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * They shall not pass, tho' battleline<br>May bend, and foe with foe combine,<br> Tho' death rain on them from the sky<br> Till every fighting man shall die,<br>France shall not yield to German Rhine. ** [[Alice M. Shepard]], ''They Shall Not Pass''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. *'''A people who will persevere in war beyond a certain limit ought to know the consequences'''. Many, many peoples with less pertinacity have been wiped out of national existence. ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter to Major R.M. Sawyer (31 January 1864), from Vicksburg. * Hold the Fort! I am coming. ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], Signalled to Gen. Corse. Oct. 5, 1864. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War is hell. ** Attributed to General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]. (Not remembered by him). John Koolbeck, of Harlem, Iowa, who was Aide de Camp to Gen. Winslow, testifies that after the battle of Vicksburg, 1861, Gen. Sherman was watching the crossing of the army across a pontoon bridge, at the river Pearl. Koolbeck distinctly heard him say: "War is Hell." See Everybody's. Oct., 1918, p. 71. * I regard the death and mangling of a couple thousand men as a small affair, a kind of morning dash — and it may be well that we become so hardened. ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], in a letter to his wife (July 1864) * '''War is the remedy our enemies have chosen. Other simple remedies were within their choice. Yon know it and they know it, but they wanted war, and I say let us give them all they want; not a word of argument, not a sign of let up, no cave in till we are whipped or they are.''' ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rcFZAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA248 letter to James Guthrie] (14 August 1864), Georgia. * I've been where you are now and I know just how you feel. It's entirely natural that there should beat in the breast of every one of you a hope and desire that some day you can use the skill you have acquired here. Suppress it! You don't know the horrible aspects of war. I've been through two wars and I know. I've seen cities and homes in ashes. I've seen thousands of men lying on the ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies. I tell you, war is hell! ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], address to the graduating class of the [[w:Michigan Military Academy|Michigan Military Academy]] (19 June 1879), as quoted from accounts by Dr. Charles O. Brown in the Battle Creek ''Enquirer and News'' (18 November 1933). * You do not understand what happens in war—a sort of sublime madness, an unholy hatred that is twisted into an unreasoning sense of righteousness… ** [[Clifford D. Simak]], ''Cemetery World'' (1973), Chapter 7 * '''My knowledge of pain, learned with the sabre, taught me not to be afraid.''' And just as in dueling when you must concentrate on your enemy's cheek, so, too, in war. '''You cannot waste time on feinting and sidestepping. You must decide on your target and go in.''' ** [[Otto Skorzeny]], comparing his dueling days with commando tactics, as quoted in ''Skorzeny'' (1972) by Charles Whiting, p. 17. * ''J'ai vécu.'' ** I existed. ** [[Emmanuel-Joseph Sieyès]], when asked what he did during the Reign of Terror. See Mignet—Notices Hist. I. 81. * '''[[All]]'s [[fair]] in [[love]] and war.''' ** [[w:Francis Edward Smedley|Francis Edward Smedley]], ''Frank Fairlegh : Scenes from the Life of a Private Pupil'' (1850). * Sainte Jeanne went harvesting in France,<br> But ah! what found she there?<br>The little streams were running red,<br> And the torn fields were bare;<br>And all about the ruined towers<br> Where once her king was crowned,<br>The hurtling ploughs of war and death<br> Had scored the desolate ground. ** Marion Couthouy Smith—Sainte Jeanne of France. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * For God's sake, do not drag me into another war! I am worn down, and worn out, with crusading and defending Europe, and protecting mankind; I must think a little of myself. ** [[Sydney Smith]], letter to the Countess Grey (February 19, 1823); ''A Memoir of the Rev. Sydney Smith by His Daughter Lady Holland'' (1874), p. 434. * Every shot has its commission, d'ye see? We must all die at one time, as the saying is. ** [[Tobias Smollett]], ''The Reprisal'', Act III. 8. * Some of you will not come back. Some of you will come back maimed. Those of you who do come back will come back changed men. That is war! ** [[Jan Smuts]], when seeing off young South Africans in [[w:World War II|World War II]], as cited in Antony Lentin, 2010, Jan Smuts - Man of courage and vision, p. 138. {{ISBN|978-1-86842-390-3}}. * I came, I saw, God overcame. ** [[John Sobieski]], to the Pope, with the captured Mussulman standards. * The formula that food is the way to derive peace actually should be more properly understood in reverse. '''The answer to my question of why we have so many hungry people on the planet when there is no need for that is that it is a deliberate decision that some human beings make in order to appropriate the resources of others, or, as in the case of one of the hot spots on the planet right now for hunger, which is Yemen, it was a deliberate strategy to disrupt the food system specifically to weaken the country in the pursuit of the war between proxies, Saudi Arabia and Iran'''. And so, it’s important to remember that hunger does not always happen because of natural disasters, which is a mental model that most of us fall back upon; it is often the result of things that we actually do to each other deliberately. ** Ricardo Salvador, in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/12/10/ricardo_salvador_world_hunger "As Food Insecurity Surges, Leading Scientist Says Hunger Is a Deliberate Choice by Those in Power"] [[W:Democracy Now!|''Democracy Now!'']] (10 December 2020) * A nice war is a war where everybody who is heroic is a hero, and everybody more or less is a hero in a nice war. Now this war is not at all a nice war. ** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'', Statement about World War II (written in 1943), p. 77 * War is never fatal but always lost. Always lost. ** [[Gertrude Stein]], ''Wars I Have Seen'' (1945) * War was a kind of poverty with bullets. ** [[Bruce Sterling]], ''Join the Navy and See the Worlds'' (2009) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera 2|The New Space Opera 2]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-156236-5}}), p. 327 * A [[wise]] man does not try to hurry [[history]]. Many [[wars]] have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste. ** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], ''Speeches of Adlai Stevenson'' (1952), p. 39 * [[Speed]] is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions. ** [[Sun Tzu]], ''The Art of War'' *[I]n war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory. **[[Sun Tzu]], [https://suntzusaid.com/book/4/15/ ''The Art of War''] * All warfare is based on deception. ** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War'' * Terrible as an army with banners. ** Song of Solomon, VI. 4 and 10. * Either this or upon this. (Either bring this back or be brought back upon it). ** Said to be a Spartan mother's words to her son on giving him his shield. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Then more fierce<br>The conflict grew; the din of arms, the yell<br>Of savage rage, the shriek of agony,<br>The groan of death, commingled in one sound<br>Of undistinguish'd horrors. ** [[Robert Southey]], ''Madoc in Wales'' (1805), Part II, XV. * War! war! war!<br>Heaven aid the right!<br>God move the hero's arm in the fearful fight!<br>God send the women sleep in the long, long night,<br> When the breasts on whose strength they leaned shall heave no more. ** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), VII. * The crystal-pointed tents from hill to hill. ** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Alice of Monmouth: an Idyl of the Great War'' (1864), XI. * But, Virginians, don't do it, for I tell you that the flagon,<br> Filled with blood of Old Brown's offspring, was first poured by Southern hands;<br>And each drop from Old Brown's life-veins, like the red gore of the Dragon,<br> May spring up a vengeful Fury, hissing through your slave-worn lands:<br>* And Old Brown,<br>* Osawatomie Brown,<br>May trouble you worse than ever, when you've nailed his coffin down. ** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''How Old Brown Took Harper's Ferry''. Written during Brown's Trial. Nov., 1859. * '''Never run against a war hero.''' ** [[Adlai Stevenson]], who famously campaigned twice for US president against [[Dwight Eisenhower]], when asked if he had any advice to give to a young politician, as quoted in [http://en.epochtimes.com/news/4-11-4/24153.html "History Remembers…Adlai Stevenson" by Maureen Zebian in ''The Epoch Times'' (4 November 2004)]. *In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea. Trump wondered aloud about the point of having nuclear weapons if he couldn’t use them. His answer was to make them more usable, which he did with his new [[w:Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)|Nuclear Posture Review (NPR)]], the first since Obama’s 2010 NPR, which had reduced the role of nuclear weapons in the US defense posture. The 2018 NPR significantly elevated their role, permitting use in response to vaguely defined “extreme circumstances,” such as cyberattacks or attacks on the infrastructure of both the United States and its “allies and partners.” The review doubled down on Obama’s unconscionable 30-year trillion-dollar modernization of all parts of the nuclear arsenal. The actual cost looks to be closer to $1.7 trillion and climbing. To make matters worse, all eight other nuclear powers are undertaking their own modernizations, though on a far more modest scale. Russia, it should be noted, actually cut its defense spending this past year. **[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019) *Acting like a [[hegemon]], the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]], Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion.<BR> In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the IMF and World Bank for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. A 2006 article in Foreign Affairs contending that neither Russia or China could even retaliate against a US first strike “sent heads spinning” in Russia, The Washington Post reported, “with visions of Dr. Strangelove.” **[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ '''''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak''', the Nation,''] [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019) *But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.” **[https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[w:Oliver Stone|Oliver Stone]] and [[w:Peter Kuznick|Peter Kuznick]], (3 April 2019) * Waste of Blood, and waste of Tears<br>Waste of youth's most precious years,<br>Waste of ways the saints have trod,<br>Waste of Glory, waste of God,<br>War! ** [[Geoffrey Studdert Kennedy]], from ''Waste'', in ''More Rough Rhymes of a Padre'' (1919) * When battle approaches, when war arises, the plans of the gods, beloved by the gods, are destroyed. ** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}. * Hobbes clearly proves that every creature<br>Lives in a state of war by nature. ** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Poetry'', ''A Rhapsody''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * War, that mad game the world so loves to play. ** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Ode to Sir William Temple''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron<br>Shall a nation be moulded to last. ** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''A Word for the Country''. * War has been the excuse people have made throughout history to take something away from others that didn't belong to them. And it's a never ending cycle. First one group takes away something from the other, then the other wants to take it back, only if they succeed, they take much more. And then it starts all over again. War is caused by greed. ** [[László Széchenyi]], ''Visions of Utopia'', p. 67 == T == [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gods are on the side of the stronger.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Tacitus]]</center>]] [[File:Defense.gov News Photo 041108-M-8205V-015.jpg|thumb|This man was innocent...He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area... he started screaming and looked right into my eyes... So I took...him out... We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. ~[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq & Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) ]] [[File:Image-UN Swords into Plowshares Statue.JPG|thumb|right|If wars in the [[future]] are to be prevented the [[nations]] must be [[united]] in their determination to keep the [[peace]] under [[law]].<br><center>~&nbsp;[[Harry S. Truman]]</center>]] * Ratio et consilium propriæ ducis artes. ** The proper qualities of a general are judgment and deliberation. ** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 20. * Deos fortioribus adesse. ** The gods are on the side of the stronger. ** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 17. * We can start at once. We made preparations on the way. ** Commander Joseph K. Taussig for the American Navy, to the British Admiral's query: "When will you be ready?" (1917). Erroneously attributed to Admiral Sims. * [[w:Militarism|Militarism]]... is [[w:Fetishism|fetish]] worship. It is the prostration of men's souls before, and the laceration of their bodies to appease, an [[w:Idolatry|idol]]. ...Reverence for economic activity and industry and what is called business is also fetish worship, and in their devotion to that idol they torture themselves as needlessly, and indulge in the same meaningless antics. ** [[R. H. Tawney]], ''[[The Acquisitive Society]]'' (1920). * A little more grape, Captain Bragg. ** Attributed to General [[Zachary Taylor]] at Buena Vista. Feb. 23, 1847. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The children born of thee are sword and fire,<br>Red ruin, and the breaking up of law. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), Guinevere, line 423. * It cannot be made, it shall not be made, it will not be made; but if it were made there would be a war between France and England for the possession of Egypt. ** [[Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston]], speech, 1851, referring to the Suez Canal (an example of an indiscreet and unfulfilled prophecy). * Half a league, half a league,<br> Half a league onward,<br>All in the valley of Death<br> Rode the six hundred.<br>"Forward the Light Brigade!<br> Charge for the guns!" he said,<br>Into the valley of death<br> Rode the six hundred. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 1. * Forward, the Light Brigade!<br>Was there a man dismayed?<br> Not tho' the soldier knew<br> Some one had blunder'd.<br>Theirs not to make reply,<br>Theirs not to reason why,<br>Theirs but to do and die.<br> Into the valley of death<br> Rode the six hundred. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 2. * Cannon to right of them,<br>Cannon to left of them,<br>Cannon in front of them<br> Volley'd and thunder'd;<br>Stormed at with shot and shell,<br>Boldly they rode and well,<br> Into the jaws of Death,<br>Into the mouth of Hell<br> Rode the six hundred. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Charge of the Light Brigade'' (1854), Stanza 3. "Jaws of death" used by Du Bartas—Weekes and Workes. Day I, Part IV. Twelfth Night, Act III, scene 4. * ''Omnia prius experiri verbis quam armis sapientem decet.'' ** [[Terence]], ''Eunuchus'', V. 1. 19. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. ** It becomes a wise man to try negotiation before arms. * Ten good soldiers, wisely led,<br>Will beat a hundred without a head. ** [[D. W. Thompson]], ''Paraphrase of Euripides''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The last half of the [[20th century]] will seem like a [[wild]] [[party]] for [[rich]] [[kids]], compared to what's coming now. The party's over, folks. … "[[Winston Churchill]] said "The first casualty of War is always [[Truth]]." Churchill also said "In wartime, the Truth is so precious that it should always be surrounded by a bodyguard of [[Lies]]." <br> That [[wisdom]] will not be much comfort to babies born last week. The first [[news]] they get in this world will be News subjected to [[Military]] [[Censorship]]. That is a given in wartime, along with massive campaigns of deliberately-planted "Dis-information." That is routine behavior in Wartime — for all countries and all combatants — and it makes life difficult for people who value [[real]] news. Count on it. ** [[Hunter S. Thompson]], "When War Drums Roll" (17 September 2001) *Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the south to the altar. **[[w:William Thompson|William M. Thompson]], letter to Warner A. Thompson (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&pg=PA19 ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by James M. McPherson, New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19 * But what most showed the vanity of life<br>Was to behold the nations all on fire. ** [[James Thomson (poet)|James Thomson]], ''Castle of Indolence'' (1748), Canto I. 55. * We need accountability for the states and individuals that have caused this crisis, brought us to the brink of a [[w:famine|famine]] that the [[United Nations|UN]] says would be the worst in the past 100 years, and – by using [[w:starvation|starvation]] as a weapon of war – are in clear breach of [[w:International humanitarian law|international humanitarian law]]...When I asked [[Jeremy Hunt]] yesterday in [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|parliament]] why the [[w:resolution|resolution]] that will go before the [[w:United Nations Security Council|security council]] today did not mention the need for an [[w:investigation|investigation]] of all alleged '''war crimes''', and full [[w:accountability|accountability]] for those responsible, and whether the [[Mohammad bin Salman|crown prince]] (of [[Saudi Arabia]]) had insisted on the removal of that [[w:demand|demand]], he did not answer. **[[Emily Thornberry]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/22/famine-yemen-war-crime-civilians-saudi-coalition ''The famine facing Yemen is a war crime – it must be investigated, The Guardian,''] (22 November 2018) * Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave. Therefore do not take lightly the perils of war. ** [[Thucydides]], "The Funeral Speech", ''The Speeches of Pericles'', trans. H. G. Edinger (1979), p. 39. * "Victory after all, I suppose!" he said, feeling his aching head. "Well, it seems a very gloomy business." **[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Hobbit''. *War must be, while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all; but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend. **[[J. R. R. Tolkien]], ''The Lord of the Rings'' * A thousand touching traits testify to the sacred power of the love which a righteous war awakes in noble nations. ** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''German History'', Volume I, p. 482. * War is elevating, because the individual disappears before the great conception of the state…. What a perversion of morality to wish to abolish heroism among men! ** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 74. * God will see to it that war always recurs as a drastic medicine for the human race. ** [[Heinrich von Treitschke]], ''Politics'', Volume I, p. 76. * The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other imperialist bourgeoisie... ** [[Leon Trotsky]] "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936). * The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed colonial peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism. ** [[Leon Trotsky]] "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936). * They said we were soft, that we would not fight, that we could not win. We are not a warlike nation. We do not go to war for gain or for territory; we go to war for principles, and we produce young men like these. I think I told every one of them that I would rather have that medal, the Congressional Medal of Honor, than to be President of the United States. ** [[Harry S. Truman]], remarks at presentation of the Congressional Medal of Honor to fourteen members of the Navy and Marine Corps (October 5, 1945); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1945'', p. 375. * '''In bitter despair, some people have come to believe that wars are inevitable. With tragic fatalism, they insist that wars have always been, of necessity, and of necessity wars always will be. To such defeatism, men and women of good will must not and can not yield. The outlook for humanity is not so hopeless.''' ** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)] * '''If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.''' <br /> Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the Axis powers to dominate the world. <br /> While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in international relations except in the defense of law. '''The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world.''' ** [[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.trumanlibrary.org/ww2/stofunio.htm Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945)] * '''Any man who sees Europe now must realize that victory in a great war is not something you win once and for all, like victory in a ball game. Victory in a great war is something that must be won and kept won.''' It can be lost after you have won it — if you are careless or negligent or indifferent. <br /> Europe today is hungry. I am not talking about Germans. I am talking about the people of the countries which were overrun and devastated by the Germans, and particularly about the people of Western Europe. Many of them lack clothes and fuel and tools and shelter and raw materials. They lack the means to restore their cities and their factories. <br /> As the winter comes on, the distress will increase. Unless we do what we can to help, we may lose next winter what we won at such terrible cost last spring. '''Desperate men are liable to destroy the structure of their society to find in the wreckage some substitute for hope.''' If we let Europe go cold and hungry, we may lose some of the foundations of order on which the hope for worldwide peace must rest. <br /> '''We must help to the limits of our strength. And we will.''' ** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://millercenter.org/scripps/archive/speeches/detail/3821 Radio Report to the American People on the Potsdam Conference (9 August 1945)] *On April 18, 2006, I had my first confirmed killed. This man was innocent. I don’t know his name. I called him “the fat man.” He was walking back to his house, and I shot him in front of his friend and his father. The first round didn’t kill him, after I had hit him up here in his neck area. And afterwards he started screaming and looked right into my eyes. So I looked at my friend, who I was on post with, and I said, “Well, I can’t let that happen.” So I took another shot and took him out. He was then carried away by the rest of his family. It took seven people to carry his body away.We were all congratulated after we had our first kills, and that happened to have been mine. My company commander personally congratulated me, as he did everyone else in our company. This is the same individual who had stated that whoever gets their first kill by stabbing them to death will get a four-day pass when we return from Iraq. **[[w:Winter Soldier: Iraq & Afghanistan|Jon Michael Turner]] (U.S.M.C.) [https://www.democracynow.org/2008/3/17/winter_soldier_us_vets_active_duty ''Winter Soldier: U.S. Vets, Active-Duty Soldiers from Iraq & Afghanistan Testify About Horrors of War, Democracy Now''] (17 March 2008) * Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out … and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel … and in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man" — with his mouth. ** [[Mark Twain]], ''The War Prayer''. * When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory—must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!<br><br>"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with anavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen". ** [[Mark Twain]], "The War Prayer" (dictated 1904–1905); in ''Europe and Elsewhere'' (1923), p. 397–98. == V == * With [[computers]] acting as the stimulus, the theory of war was assimilated into that of [[microeconomics]]. . . . Instead of evaluating military operations by their product –that is, victory – calculations were cast in terms of input–output and cost effectiveness. Since intuition was replaced by calculation, and since the latter wasto be carried out with the aid of computers, it was necessary that all the phenomena of war be reduced to quantitative form. Consequently everything that could be quantified was, while everything that could not be tended to be thrown onto the garbage heap. ** Martin Van Creveld, ''Technology and War: From 2000 B.C. to the Present'', New York, London: Free Press, Collier Macmillan, 1989, p. 246; as qtd. in Antoine Bosquet, [https://www.academia.edu/390023/Cyberneticizing_the_American_War_Machine_Science_and_Computers_in_the_Cold_War “Cyberneticizing the American War Machine: Science and Computers in the Cold War”], p. 94 * This is the soldier brave enough to tell<br>The glory-dazzled world that "war is hell." ** [[Henry Van Dyke]], on the St. Gaudens' Statue of Gen. Sherman. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * It's really hard to talk about morality and war in the same sentence. In a war, there are so many questionable things done. Where was the morality in the bombing of Coventry, or the bombing of Dresden, or the Bataan Death March, or the Rape of Nanking, or the bombing of Pearl Harbor? I believe that when you're in a war, a nation must have the courage to do what it must to win the war with a minimum loss of lives. ** [[Theodore Van Kirk]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/06/world/hiroshima-enola-gay-s-crew-recalls-the-flight-into-a-new-era.html?pagewanted=all "HIROSHIMA - Enola Gay's Crew Recalls The Flight Into a New Era"] (1995), ''The New York Times'' * '''[[Veterans for Peace]] knows that the U.S. is a nation addicted to war. At this time of uncertainty, it is critically important that we, as veterans, continue to be clear and concise that our nation must turn from war to diplomacy and peace.''' It is high time to unwind all these tragic, failed and unnecessary wars of aggression, domination and plunder. It is time to turn a page in history and to build a new world based on human rights, equality and mutual respect for all. We must build momentum toward real and lasting peace. Nothing less than the survival of human civilization is at stake. ** [https://www.veteransforpeace.org/our-work/position-statements/veterans-peace-statement-us-troops-withdrawal-syria? From ''Veterans For Peace Statement on Withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Syria,'' Full text online] (19 December 2018) *After the close call yesterday when you called off the planned military strike on Iran, we remain concerned that you are about to be mousetrapped into war with Iran. You have said you do not want such a war (no sane person would), and our comments below are based on that premise. There are troubling signs that [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary Pompeo]] is not likely to jettison his more warlike approach, More importantly, we know from personal experience with Pompeo’s dismissive attitude to instructions from you that his agenda can deviate from yours on issues of major consequence... Pompeo’s behavior betrays a strong desire to resort to military action — perhaps even without your approval — to Iranian provocations (real or imagined), with no discernible strategic goal other than to advance the interests of Israel, Saudi Arabia and the UAE. He is a neophyte compared to his anti-Iran partner [[John R. Bolton|John Bolton]], whose dilettante approach to interpreting intelligence, strong advocacy of the misbegotten [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]] (and continued pride in his role in promoting it), and fierce pursuit of his own aggressive agenda are a matter of a decades-long record. **[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], in [https://consortiumnews.com/2019/06/21/vips-memo-to-the-president-is-pompeos-agenda-the-same-as-yours/ ''VIPS Memo to the President: Is Pompeo’s Iran Agenda the Same As Yours?''] (21 June 2019) *Memorandum For: The President...The drone assassination in Iraq of Iranian Quds Force commander [[Qasem Soleimani|General Qassem Soleimani]]... That [[Iran]] will retaliate at a time and place of its choosing is a near certainty. And escalation into [[World War III]] is no longer just a remote possibility... What your advisers may have avoided telling you is that Iran has not been isolated. Quite the contrary. One short week ago, for example, [https://www.ft.com/content/3d5a4cf0-288f-11ea-9a4f-963f0ec7e134 Iran launched its first joint naval exercises with Russia and China in the Gulf of Oman], in an unprecedented challenge to the U.S. in the region... The country expecting to benefit most from hostilities between Iran and the US is [[Israel]] (with [[Saudi Arabia]] in second place). **[[Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity]], [https://www.antiwar.com/blog/2020/01/03/doubling-down-into-yet-another-march-of-folly-this-time-on-iran/ Doubling Down Into Yet Another ‘March of Folly,’ This Time on Iran] (3 January 2020) * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** Arms and the man I sing. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book I, 1. * … I saw these terrible things,<br>and took great part in them. ** (… quaeque ipse miserrima vidi<br>et quorum pars magna fui). ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), trans. James H. Mantinband (1964), book II, lines 5–6, p. 25. This sentence has also been translated as: "All of which misery I saw, and a great part of which I was". Aeneas was describing the sack of Troy. * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only safety for the conquered is to expect no safety. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 354. * ''Dolus an virtus quis in hoste requirat?'' ** Who asks whether the enemy were defeated by strategy or valor? ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book II, 390. * ''Exigui numero, sed bello vivida virtus.'' ** Small in number, but their valor tried in war, and glowing. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book V, 754. * ''Sævit amor ferri et scelerata insania belli.'' ** The love of arms and the mad wickedness of war are raging. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book VII, 461. * ''Nullum cum victis certamen et æthere cassis.'' ** Brave men ne'er warred with the dead and vanquished. ** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (c. 29-19 BC), Book XI, 104. * ''On dit que Dieu est toujours pour les gros bataillons.'' ** It is said that God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to M. le Riche. Feb. 6, 1770. Earlier said by Marechal Jacques d'Étampes, marquis de la Ferté to Anne of Austria. See Boursault—Lettres Nouvelles, p. 384. (Ed. 1698). Attributed to General Moreau by Alison; to General Charles Lee, by Hawthorne—Life of Washington. == W == [[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ~ [[George Washington]]]] [[File:INF3-17 Production of tanks Artist Terence Cuneo 1939-1946.jpg|thumb|If we don’t end war, war will end us.<br><center>~&nbsp;[[H. G. Wells]]</center>]] [[File:Wellington at Waterloo Hillingford.jpg|thumb|Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won.<br><center>~&nbsp;''The Wellington—Despatch''</center>]] * Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? **[[George Wallace]], as quoted in ''Absurdities, Scandals & Stupidities in Politics'' (2006) by Hakeem Shittu and Callie Query, p. 106. * On to Richmond. ** [[Fitz-Henry Warren]]. Used as a standing headline in the N. Y. Tribune, by Dana, June–July, 1861, before the McDowell campaign. * A great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle [patriotism] alone. It must be aided by a prospect of interest, or some reward. ** [[George Washington]], letter to John Banister. Valley Forge, April 21, 1778 * To be prepared for war is onto the most effectual means of preserving peace. ** [[George Washington]], as quoted in ''Writings of George Washington'', Fitzpatrick, ed. Vol. 30, p. 491, “First Annual Address to Congress,” January 8, 1790. * They went to war against a preamble, they fought seven years against a declaration. ** [[Daniel Webster]], speech on the Presidential Protest. May 17, 1834. * Up Guards and at 'em! ** Attributed to Wellington during the Battle of Waterloo. Denied by the Duke to Mr. Croker, in answer to a letter written March 14, 1852. "What I must have said, and possibly did say was, 'Stand up guards!' and then gave the order to attack." See J. W. Choker's Memoirs, p. 544. Also Sir Herbert Maxwell's Biography of Wellington. * Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won. ** Wellington—Despatch. (1815). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing field of Eton. ** Attributed to Wellington. "The battle of Waterloo was won here," was said by the Duke of Wellington when present at a cricket match at Eton. Prof. W. Selwyn—Waterloo, a Lay of Jubilee. (Second Ed.). * ''The War That Will End War''. ** [[H. G. Wells]], book title, 1914. While the phrase "The war to end war" is often associated with Woodrow Wilson, its authorship was claimed by Wells in an article in ''Liberty'' (December 29, 1934), p. 4. Bertrand Russell also credited Wells in ''Portraits from Memory'' (1956), p. 83. A cynical version attributed to David Lloyd George is: "This war, like the next war, is a war to end war". See William Safire, ''Safire's Political Dictionary'' (1978), p. 777, for contemporary uses of the phrase. * A time will come when a politician who has wilfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men's lives should not stake their own. ** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Salvaging of Civilization'' (1921), chapter 1, conclusion, p. 40. *'''The atomic bomb had dwarfed the international issues to complete insignificance.''' When our minds wandered from the preoccupations of our immediate needs, we speculated upon the possibility of stopping the use of these frightful explosives before the world was utterly destroyed. For to us it seemed quite plain that these bombs and the still greater power of destruction of which they were the precursors might quite easily shatter every relationship and institution of mankind... war must end and that '''the only way to end war was to have but one government for mankind'''. :* [[H.G. Wells]] Ch. 3, Section 1 * The whole art of war consists in getting at what is on the other side of the hill. ** [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington]], Saying. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * '''If we don’t end war, war will end us.''' ** The character John Cabal in [[H. G. Wells]] in ''[[w:Things to Come|Things to Come]]'' (1936). * [[w:Urban warfare|Urban warfare]] remains characterized by slow, massive [[destruction]]. Yet 50 years ago, there were no [[computers]], no [[internet]], no [[w:GPS|GPS]], no [[w:UAVs|UAVs]], no digital communications, no night-vision devices, and no precision strikes. Two facts account for the lack of change in tactics. First, cities are constructed of [[steel]] and [[w:concrete|concrete]], with streets providing the open spaces, which are usually linear. Any fighter in the open is quickly cut down. No technology can accurately detect and count humans inside [[buildings]] and [[w:Tunnels|tunnels]]. So the attacker must advance by blasting through the sides of buildings and slowly, slowly search every room. Second, tens to hundreds of thousands of civilians can be trapped in the cities. The [[terrorists]] in [[w:Mosul|Mosul]] have prevented the civilians from leaving in order to use them as shields. ** Bing West, [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/06/urban-warfare-hue-mosul/532173/ “Urban Warfare, Then and Now”], ''The Atlantic'', (Jun 30, 2017). * This new Katterfelto, his show to complete,<br>Means his boats should all sink as they pass by our fleet;<br>Then as under the ocean their course they steer right on,<br>They can pepper their foes from the bed of old Triton. ** [[Henry Kirke White]], ''The Wonderful Juggler'', anticipating the submarine, in Napoleon's day. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * ''War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! <br> There's got to be a better way <br> What is it good for? <br> War has caused unrest <br> Among the younger generation <br> Induction then destruction <br> Who wants to die? <br> ... <br> War-I despise <br> Because it means destruction <br> Of innocent lives <br> War means tears <br> To thousands of mothers how <br> When their sons go off to fight <br> And lose their lives <br> ... <br> It's an enemy of all mankind <br> No point of war <br> Because you're a man <br> ... <br> War has shattered <br> Many young men's dreams <br> We've got no place for it today <br> They say we must fight to keep our freedom <br> But Lord, there's just got to be a better way <br> It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker <br> '''Friend only to the undertaker''''' ** {{w|Norman Whitfield}} and {{w|Barrett Strong}}, ''[[w:War (The Temptations song)|War]]'', ''{{w|Psychedelic Shack}}'' (1969) ** ''Life is much to short and precious <br> To spend fighting wars these days <br> War can't give life <br> It can only take it away <br> ... <br> War, it ain't nothing but a heartbreaker <br> War, friend only to the undertaker <br> Peace, love and understanding <br> Tell me, is there no place for them today.'' *** {{w|Edwin Starr}} version, ''[[w:War (Edwin Starr song)|War]]'', ''[[w:War & Peace (Edwin Starr album)|War & Peace]]''. (1970) * Now we remember over here in Flanders,<br>(It isn't strange to think of You in Flanders!)<br> This hideous warfare seems to make things clear.<br>We never thought about You much in England,<br>But now that we are far away from England<br> We have no doubts, we know that You are here. ** Mrs. C. T. Whitnall—Christ in Flanders. First appeared in the London Spectator. Later in the Outlook. July 26, 1916. * We seemed to see our flag unfurled,<br> Our champion waiting in his place<br>For the last battle of the world,<br> The Armageddon of the race. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Rantoul''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. ** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''Intentions''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * I will die in the last ditch. (Dyke). ** William of Orange. Hume—History of England, Chapter XLIII. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Germany's greatness makes it impossible for her to do without the ocean, but the ocean also proves that even in the distance, and on its farther side, without Germany and the German Emperor, no great decision dare henceforth be taken. ** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor|William II]], the former German Emperor—Speech, July, 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Our German Fatherland to which I hope will be granted … to become in the future as closely united, as powerful, and as authoritative as once the Roman world-empire was, and that, just as in the old times they said, "Civis romanus sum," hereafter, at some time in the future, they will say, "I am a German citizen." ** William II, the former German Emperor—Speech, in Oct., 1900. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Every bullet has its billet. ** King William III, according to Wesley—Journal, June 6, 1765. Also in Song by H. R. Bishop, sung in The Circassian Bride. Quoted by Sterne—Tristram Shandy, Volume VIII, Chapter XIX. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go;<br>It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!<br>Good-bye to Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square;<br>It's a long way to Tipperary, but my Heart's right there! ** Harry Williams and Jack Judge—It's a Long Way to Tipperary. Popular in The Great War. Chorus claimed by Alice Smythe B. Jay. Written in 1908. See N. Y. Times, Sept. 20, 1907. * War is only a sort of dramatic representation, a sort of dramatic symbol of a thousand forms of duty. I fancy that it is just as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Brooklyn Navy Yard, May 11, 1914. * You have laid upon me this double obligation: "we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep us out of war, but we are relying upon you, Mr. President, to keep the honor of the nation unstained." ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At Cleveland. Jan. 29, 1916. * It is not an army that we must train for war; it is a nation. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, At dedication of a Red Cross Building, May 12, 1917. * In short, if newspapers were written by people whose sole object in writing was to tell the truth about politics and the truth about art we should not believe in war, and we should believe in art. ** [[Virginia Woolf]] in ''The Three Guineas''. * They came with banner, spear, and shield;<br>And it was proved in Bosworth field,<br>Not long the Avenger was withstood—<br>Earth help'd him with the cry of blood. ** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Song at the Feast of Brougham Castle'', Stanza 3. Last line probably taken from John Beaumont's Battle of Flodden Field. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * But Thy most dreaded instrument<br>In working out a pure intent,<br>Is man,—arrayed for mutual slaughter,—<br>Yea, Carnage is Thy daughter. ** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Poems dedicated to National Independence and Liberty'' (1815), Ode XLV. Suppressed in later editions. "But Man is thy most awful instrument, / In working out a pure intent; / Thou cloth'st the wicked in their dazzling mail, / And for thy righteous purpose they prevail." Version in later editions. * Everyone loses in war, even the winners. ** [[John C. Wright]], ''Orphans of Chaos'' (2005), Chapter 7, “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” Section 2 * War is murder, king-sized. ** [[John C. Wright]], ''Fugitives of Chaos'' (2006), Chapter 18, “Festive Days on the Slopes of Vesuvius” == Z == * As regards Providence, he cannot shake off the prejudice that in war, God is on the side of the big battalions, which at present are in the enemy's camp. ** [[Zeller]], ''Frederick the Great as Philosopher''. Referring to Œuvres de Frederic, XVIII. 186–188, the contents of a letter from Frederick to the Duchess of Gotha, about 1757. Carlyle gives the date of the letter as May 8, 1760, in his History of Frederick the Great, II, Book XIX, Volume V, p. 606. *The United States had become a willing co-combatant in a war without any direction or clear end state...there have been a litany of war crimes... in which Saudi planes, using American munitions, bombed a school bus killing dozens of Yemeni schoolchildren. Second, the U.S. government has responded to these crimes with silences that might seem chastened, but in truth must be classified as defiant, given the bureaucratic maneuvering undertaken to obscure the United States’ unthinking complicity both to outsiders and to itself. **[[w:Micah Zenko|Micah Zenko]] in [https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/08/15/america-is-committing-awful-war-crimes-and-it-doesnt-even-know-why/ ''America Is Committing War Crimes and Doesn’t Even Know Why, Foreign Policy,''] (15 August 2018) *One of the judges in the [[w:International Military Tribunal for the Far East|Tokyo '''War Crimes''' Trial]] after [[w:World War Two|World War II]], [[w:Radhabinod Pal| Radhabinod Pal]]... argued that the United States had clearly provoked [[w:United States declaration of war on Japan|the war with Japan]] and expected Japan to act. [[w:Richard Minear|Richard Minear]] (Victors' Justice) sums up Pal's view of the embargoes on scrap iron and oil, that "these measures were a clear and potent threat to Japan's very existence." The records show that a White House conference two weeks before [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] anticipated a war and discussed how it should be justified... **[[Howard Zinn]] in [http://library.uniteddiversity.coop/More_Books_and_Reports/Howard_Zinn-A_peoples_history_of_the_United_States.pdf ''A People's History of the United States'',<small>(Full text online)</small>] (1980) p. 402 * Look, there is one statement that bothers me more than anything else, and that's the idea that when the troops are in combat everybody has to shut up. Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed? ** Gen. [[Anthony Zinni]], U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.), former [[w:CENTCOM|CENTCOM]] Commander-in-Chief, 2004-05-21, television interview on CBS's ''60 Minutes''. *The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its [[War crimes|war-crimes]] against [[Iraq]] is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international [[War crimes|war crime]] is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it... On 15 March 2018, [[Medea Benjamin]] and [[w:Nick Davies|Nicolas J.S. Davies]] headlined at [https://www.alternet.org/2018/03/iraq-death-toll-15-years-after-us-invasion/ ''Alternet'', “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq”] and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, ''BusinessInsider'' bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did). **[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''], (16 May 2020) *America’s leaders deceived the American public into perpetrating this invasion and occupation, of a foreign country (Iraq) that had never threatened the United States; and, so, this invasion and subsequent military occupation constitutes the very epitome of “aggressive war” — unwarranted and illegal international aggression. (Hitler, similarly to George W. Bush, would never have been able to obtain the support of his people to invade if he had not lied, or “deceived,” them, into invading and militarily occupying foreign countries that had never threatened Germany, such as Belgium, Poland and Czechoslovakia. This — Hitler’s lie-based aggressions — was the core of what the Nazis were hung for, and yet America now does it.) **[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq, ''American Herald Tribune''], (16 May 2020) == Unknown authorship == * War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. ** Attributed to various Frenchmen including Talleyrand, Clemenceau, and Briand. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). Often heard, "… entrusted to generals". * Months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror. ** Early appearance in ''The New York Times Current History of the European War'' ([https://books.google.com/books?id=50FIAQAAIAAJ&q=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&dq=boredom%20punctuated%20by%20moments%20of%20terror&hl=en&sa=X&ei=vVIaUcvoO5GO4gTb3YDwDQ&redir_esc=y 1915]) * It took me nearly a whole day to drive from Tokmak to the village of sonovka. I kept passing large Russian settlements on the road ... then Kirghiz villages completely ruined and razed literally to the ground - villages where, but three short years previously, there had been busy bazaars and farms surrounded with gardens and fields of luzerne. Now on every side a desert. It seemed incredible that it was possible in so short a time to wipe whole villages off the face of the earth, with their well-developed system of farming. It was only with the most attentive search that i could find the short stumps of their trees and remains of their irrigation canals. The destruction of the aryks or irrigation canals in this district quickly reduced a highly developed farming district into a desert and blotted out all traces of cultivation and settlement. Only in the water meadows and low-lying ground near the stream is any cultivation possible. ** Attributed to an observer of the aftermath of the [[w:Central Asian revolt of 1916|Central Asian revolt of 1916]] in 1919 in page 158 of ''The Revolt of 1916 in Russian Central Asia'' ==War quotations in fiction== [[File:White_Doves_at_the_Blue_Mosque_(5778806606).jpg|thumb|Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], <br> Stop a war with [[love]], <br> Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. ~ [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]]]] * Make a [[w:War hawk|hawk]] a [[w:War dove|dove]], <br> Stop a war with [[love]], <br> Make a [[liar]] tell the [[truth]]. :* [[w:Charles Fox |Charles Fox]], [[w:Wonder Woman TV series|Wonder Woman TV series]], (November 7, 1975). * There are always casualties in war, gentlemen — otherwise it wouldn't be war. It'd just be a rather nasty argument with lots of pushing-and-shoving. **[[w:Arnold_Rimmer|Arnold Rimmer]] in ''[[w:Red_Dwarf|Red Dwarf]]: [[w:Meltdown_(Red_Dwarf_episode)|Meltdown]]''. Rob Grant, Doug Naylor * Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that 'violence never settles anything' I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of [[Napoleon Bonaparte]] and of the [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Duke of Wellington]] and let them debate it. The ghost of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] could referee, and the jury might well be the [[Dodo]], the [[w:Great Auk|Great Auk]], and the [[w:Passenger Pigeon|Passenger Pigeon]]. Violence settled their fates quite nicely. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms. ** Mr. Dubois, ''[[Starship Troopers]]'', by [[Robert A. Heinlein]]. * '''Luke''': I'm looking for a great warrior.<br>'''Yoda''': Great warrior. [Laughs] Wars not make one great. ** [[George Lucas]], Leigh Brackett, and Lawrence Kasdan, ''[[The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980). * What this war represents is a failure to listen. Now you're closer to the Chancellor than anyone, please, ask him to stop the fighting and let the diplomacy resume. ** [[George Lucas]] [[w:Padmé_Amidala|Padmé Amidala]] in ''[[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' 2005. * Wars don't ennoble men, it turns them into dogs, poisons the soul. ** Terrence Malick Private Witt in ''[[The Thin Red Line (1998 film)|The Thin Red Line]]''. * Property, the whole thing's about property. ** Terrence Malick First Sergeant Welsh, ''The Thin Red Line''. * There's a beast in every man. And it awakens when you put a sword in his hand. ** [[George R. R. Martin]] Ser Jorah Mormont, ''[[Game of Thrones]]''. * War makes thieves of many honest folk. ** Tom O'Sevens, in George R.R. Martin, ''[[A Song of Ice and Fire#A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'', Chapter Arya (I) * Once that first bullet goes past your head, politics and all that shit just goes right out the window. ** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm "Hoot" Gibson, ''[[Black Hawk Down]]''. * "When I go home, people ask me: "Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some kinda war junkie?", I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is." ** Ken Nolan Sergeant First Class Norm "Hoot" Gibson, ''Black Hawk Down''. * With every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel. ** Robert Rodat, Captain John Miller, ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]''. * I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called "possession of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life. ** Oliver Stone, Chris Taylor, ''[[Platoon]]''. * If '''you''' are not affected, if '''you''' are not hurt by what we do, then '''you''' will not do anything to stop it. The war will simply continue. As long as it is just the soldiers, these barbaric men with guns who kill each other, as long as the damage is far away, the destruction and death out of your sight, then no amount of hand wringing and moral outrage will make it end. If '''you''' are affected, if your farms, your crops are destroyed, your neat buildings in your perfect towns burned to the ground, then there will be a reason to stop this. War is not tidy, it is not convenient, it is '''everywhere.''' It has to be felt by '''everyone.''' War '''is''' hell. ** General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]] from the [[w:Jeff Shaara|Jeff Shaara]] novel ''[[w:The Last Full Measure|The Last Full Measure]]''. * A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. and he goes to war. And afterwards he comes home, and he sees that whatever else he may do with his life - build a house, love a woman, change his son's diaper - he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads killing and dying, they will always be me. We are still in the desert. ** Anthony Swofford, ''[[Jarhead]]''. [[File:Alvim-correa12.jpg|thumb|200px|And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ~ [[H.G. Wells]] ]] * We few, we happy few, we band of brothers: for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. ** King Henry, in ''[[Henry V (play)|King Henry V]]'', act 4 scene 3, [[William Shakespeare]] *'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]'': Of course you realize, this means war! * [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]], ''[[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]]'', "[[w:Case of the Missing Hare|Case of the Missing Hare]]", ''[[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]]'' (December 12, 1942). * In God's name, march: True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings: Kings it makes gods, and meaner creatures kings. ** [[Richard III (play)|Richard III]], act 5 scene 2, by [[William Shakespeare]] * If we be conquered, let men conquer us, and not these bastard Bretons; whom our fathers have in their own land beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, and in record, left them the heirs of shame. Shall these enjoy our lands? lie with our wives? Ravish our daughters? ** Richard III, act 5 scene 3, by [[William Shakespeare]] * It's all an accident, an accident of hands. Mine, others, all without mind, from one extreme to another, but neither works nor will ever. Yet we stand here in the middle of no man's land. ** Sergeant Steiner considers the causes of WW2's eastern front as he releases a young Russian soldier, ''[[Cross of Iron]]''. * You do not want a war. You have seen violence, you have suffered loss. But you have seen nothing of war. War is not just the business of death. It is the antithesis of life. Hope tortured and flayed, reason dismembered, grinning at its limbs in its lap. Decency raped to death. ** [[Joss Whedon]] Urrkon of the D'avvrus, in ''Fray''. * And before we [[judge]] of them too harshly we must remember what ruthless and utter [[destruction]] our own species has wrought, not only upon [[animals]], such as the vanished [[w:Bison|bison]] and the [[w:Dodo|dodo]], but upon its inferior [[races]]. The [[w:Aboriginal Tasmanians|Tasmanian]]s, in spite of their [[human]] likeness, were entirely swept out of existence in a war of extermination waged by [[European]] [[immigrants]], in the space of fifty years. Are we such [[apostles]] of [[mercy]] as to [[complain]] if the [[w:Mars in fiction|Martians]] warred in the same [[spirit]]? ** [[H.G. Wells]] ''The War of the Worlds'', Book I, Ch. 1: The Eve of the War * The problem with gun runners going to war, is that there is no shortage of ammunition. ** Simeon Weisz, ''[[Lord of War]]''. ==See also== * [[Anti-war movement]] * [[Disarmament]] * [[Just war theory]] * [[Martial arts]] * [[Military]] *[[Military-industrial complex]] * [[Nuclear war]] * [[Pacifism]] * [[Peace]] *[[The Pentagon]] * [[Soldiers]] *[[Violence]] * [[War and peace]] *[[War crimes]] * [[Weapons]] *[[WikiLeaks|Wikileaks]] * [[William Shakespeare quotes about war|Shakespeare quotes about war]] * [[:Category:Wars and battles]] {{Social and political philosophy}} ==External links== * [[W:Global catastrophic risk|Global catastrophic risk]] *[[W:Mutual assured destruction|Mutual assured destruction (MAD)]] {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|war}} {{wikisource portal|Wars}} {{Commons}} [[Category:War| ]] t6lvprqeumz11u2749962qql39yynsl 0 126550 3155597 3045273 2022-08-17T15:40:59Z 43.225.74.213 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki A '''[[w:Wife|wife]]''' is a spouse, or participant in a [[marriage]]. ==Quotes== * The impurity of the eyes is to gaze upon the beauty of another [[man]]'s wife, and his [[wealth]]. ** [[Asa di Var]] * Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine o [[own]] thy neighbor doth caress ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], The Cynic's Dictionary (1906); republished as The Devil's Dictionary (1911). * '''Use great prudence and circumspection, in choosing thy wife, for from thence will spring all thy future good or evil; and it is an action of life like unto a stratagem of war, wherein a man can err but once.''' ** [[William Cecil, 1st Baron Burghley]], ''Certain Precepts Or Directions for the Well-Ordering and Carriage of a Man's Life'' (c. 1584, first published 1617). * Let the [[husband]] render to his wife the affection owed her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ** 1 Corinthians 7:3 (First Letter of [[Paul of Tarsus|Saint Paul]] to Corinthians, 7:3). * '''The wife hath not power of her own [[body]], but the husband. And in like manner the [[husband]] also hath not power of his own body, but the wife.''' ** 1 Corinthians 7:4 (First Letter of [[Paul of Tarsus|Saint Paul]] to Corinthians, 7:4). * The wife of thy bosom. ** Deuteronomy, XIII. 6. * "George", says Mr. Baguet. "You Know me. It's my old girl that advises. She has the head. But I never own to it before her. Discipline must be maintained. Wait till the greens is off her mind. Thens we'll consult. Whatever the old girl says, do - do it! ** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Bleak House'' (1852-1853), Chapter XXVII. Page 272. Publisher London : Bradbury and Evans, 1853. * You know I met you,<br>Kist you, and prest you close within my arms,<br>With all the tenderness of wifely love. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Amphitryon'' (1690), Act III, scene 1. * Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life. ** [[Ecclesiastes]] 9:9 (KJV). *A. You make sure: 1. That my clothes and laundry are kept in good order and repair; 2. that I receive my three meals regularly in my room; 3. that my bedroom and my office are always kept neat, in particular, that the desk is available to me alone.<br>B. You renounce all personal relations with me as far as maintaining them is not absolutely required for social reasons. Specifically, you do without: 1. my sitting at home with you; 2. my going out or traveling together with you.<br>C. In you relations with me you commit yourself explicitly to adhering to the following points: 1.You are neither to expect intimacy from me nor to reproach me in any way. 2. You must desist immediately from addressing me, if I request it. 3. You must leave my bedroom or office immediately without protest if I so request.<br>D. You commit yourself not to disparage me either in word or in deed in front of my children. **[[Albert Einstein]], quoted in, ''Einstein: A Biography'', 2007, Jürgen Neffe, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, {{ISBN|0374146640}} {{ISBN|978-0374146641}}, p. 101 [http://books.google.com/books?id=B8K6n177ZwcC&pg=PA101&dq=%22That+my+clothes+and+laundry+are+kept+in+good+order+and+repair%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=qITrUcXQJYqG9QTI44GICg&ved=0CDIQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22That%20my%20clothes%20and%20laundry%20are%20kept%20in%20good%20order%20and%20repair%22&f=false]. [[Albert Einstein]]'s estranged first wife, [[w:Mileva Marić|Mileva]], arrived in Berlin in April 1914 with their two sons. As a condition of their living together, Albert imposed a set of rules on her which he expected to be strictly obeyed. * Flesh of thy flesh, nor yet bone of thy bone. ** [[Guillaume de Salluste Du Bartas]], ''La Semaine; ou, Création du monde'' (1578), Fourth Day, Book II. *Do you think it is so easy to get a divorce, when one does not have any proof of the guilt of the other party, when the latter is cunning and - I must say - mendacious? And I really don't even have proof that convinces me of the existence of facts that a court would regard as 'adultery'... On the other hand, '''I treat my wife like an employee which I cannot dismiss.''' I have my own bedroom, and I avoid being alone with her. … '''It is true that I committed adultery. I am living since about 41/2 years ago with my cousin, the widow [[w:Elsa Einstein|Elsa Einstein]]''', divorced Löwenthal, and have been in intimate relations with her continuously since then. My wife, the complainant, has known since summer 1914 that I am in intimate relations with my cousin. She has made me aware of her indignation about that. ** [[Albert Einstein]], Quoted in, ''Einstein's Mistakes: The Human Failings of Genius'', 2009, Hans C. Ohanian, W. W. Norton & Company, {{ISBN|0393337685}} {{ISBN|978-0393337686}}, pp. 207 - 208. [http://books.google.com/books?id=_TfuRpVLMdcC&pg=PA207&dq=%22i+treat+my+wife+like+an+employee%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=GnnrUdaxMYvQ8wT3uYHoDQ&ved=0CDMQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22i%20treat%20my%20wife%20like%20an%20employee%22&f=false]. * There are three faithful friends,<br>an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1734) * An undutiful Daughter will prove an unmanageable Wife. ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''Poor Richard'' (1752) * Rich widows are the only secondhand goods that sell at first-class prices. ** Attributed to [[Benjamin Franklin]] in A. K. Adams, ed., ''The Home Book of Humorous Quotations'' (1969), p. 378. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). * He knows little who will tell his wife all he knows. ** [[Thomas Fuller]], ''[[w:The Holy State and the Profane State|The Holy State and the Profane State]]'' (1642), Maxim VII, ''The Good Husband''. * She commandeth her husband, in any equal matter, by constant obeying him. ** [[Thomas Fuller]], ''[[w:The Holy State and the Profane State|The Holy State and the Profane State]]'' (1642), ''The Good Wife'', Book I, Maxim I, Chapter I. * One wife is too much for most husbands to bear,<br>But two at a time there's no mortal can bear. ** [[John Gay]], ''Beggar's Opera'' (1728), Act II, scene 2. * Gentlemen, to the lady without whom I should never have survived for eighty, nor sixty, nor yet thirty years. Her smile has been my lyric, her understanding, the rhythm of the stanza. She has been the spring wherefrom I have drawn the power to write the words. She is the poem of my life. ** Attributed to [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]]. Not verified in works about him nor in ''Magnificent Yankee'', the film about him. He expressed a similar sentiment in a letter to Sir Frederick Pollock (May 24, 1929): "For sixty years she made life poetry for me". Mark De Wolfe Howe, ed., ''Holmes-Pollock Letters'' (1941), vol. 2, p. 243. * I am a wife-made man. ** [[Danny Kaye]], referring to the contributions that his wife [[Sylvia Fine]]'s songs made to his career ** {{cite book | last = Halliwell | first = Leslie | title = Who's Who in the Movies | year = 2001 | publisher = HarperCollins Entertainment | id = {{ISBN|0002572141}} | pages = p. 242 (of 593) }} * I do not think it altogether inappropriate to introduce myself to this audience. I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris, and I have enjoyed it. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], remarks at a press luncheon, Paris, France, June 2, 1961. ''The Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1961'', p. 429. * Sail forth into the sea of life,<br>O gentle, loving, trusting wife,<br>And safe from all adversity<br>Upon the bosom of that sea<br>Thy comings and thy goings be!<br>For gentleness and love and trust<br>Prevail o'er angry wave and gust;<br>And in the wreck of noble lives<br>Something immortal still survives. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Building of the Ship'' (1849), line 368. * An incautious congressman playfully ran his hand over Nick's shiny scalp and commented, "It feels just like my wife's backside". Nick instantly repeated the gesture. "So it does", he replied. ** [[Nicholas Longworth]]. This episode was recounted in James Brough, Princess Alice, p. 273 (1975). A slightly different version is repeated in an article by E. Raymond Lewis in Capitol Studies, fall 1975, p. 125, and still later in R. B. and L. V. Cheney, Kings of the Hill, p. 157 (1983). * O wretched is the dame, to whom the sound,<br>"Your lord will soon return," no pleasure brings. ** [[Charles Maturin]], ''Bertram'' (first staged May 9, 1816), Act II, scene 5. * What thou bidd'st<br>Unargu'd I obey, so God ordains;<br>God is thy law, thou mine; to know no more<br>Is woman's happiest knowledge and her praise. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IV, line 635. * Awake,<br>My fairest, my espous'd, my latest found,<br>Heaven's last best gift, my ever new delight! ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book V, line 17. * For nothing lovelier can be found<br>In woman, than to study household good,<br>And good works in her husband to promote. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IX, line 232. * For what thou art is mine:<br>Our state cannot be sever'd; we are one,<br>One flesh; to lose thee were to lose myself. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book IX, line 957. * He who loves his wife loves himself. ** Letter of [[Paul of Tarsus|Saint Paul]] to Ephesians, extract from 5:28 . * Giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. ** I Peter, III. 7. * She who ne'er answers till a husband cools,<br>Or, if she rules him, never shews she rules;<br>Charms by accepting, by submitting sways,<br>Yet has her humour most when she obeys. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays'' (1731-35), Epistle II, line 261. * The contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. ** Proverbs, XIX. 13. * She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. ** Proverbs, XXXI. 27. * Regarding the treatment. of wives, the following verse in the Qur'an (Surah iv. 38) allows the husband absolute power to correct them: "Chide those whose refractoriness you have cause to fear. Remove them into sleeping chambers apart, and beat them. But if they are obedient to you, then seek not occasion against them." ** quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "That is the moat perfect Muslim whose disposition is the best, and the best of you is he who behaves best to his wives." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "When a man has two wives and does not treat them equally, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with half his body fallen off." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "When a man calls his wife, she must come, although she be at an oven." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "The Prophet used to divide his time equally amongst his wives, and he would say, 'O God, I divide impartially that which thou hast put in my power.'" **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * Admonish your wives with kindness, because woman were created from a crooked bone of the side; therefore, if you wish to straighten it, you will break it, and if you let it alone, it will always be crooked." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "Not one of you must whip his wife like whipping a slave." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "A Muslim must not hate his wife, for if he be displeased with one bad quality in her, thou let him he pleased with another that is good." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * "A Muslim cannot obtain anything better than an amiable and beautiful wife, such a wife who, when ordered by her husband to do a thing, will obey, and if her husband looks at her will be happy; and if her husband swears by her, she will make him a swearer of truth; and if ha be absent from her, she will honour him with her own person and property." **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * It is related that on one occasion the Prophet said': "Beat not your wives." Then Umar came to the Prophet and said, "Our wives have got. the upper hand of the their husbands from hearing this." Then the Prophet permitted beating of wives. Then an immense number of women collected round the Prophet's family, and complained of their husbands beating them. And the Prophet said," Verily a great number of women are assembled in my home complaining of their husbands, and those men who beat their wives do not behave well. He is not of my way who teach a woman to go astray and who entices a slave from his master. **Muhammad's teaching on wives, as given in the Traditions. Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam. * As for my wife,<br>I would you had her spirit in such another;<br>The third o' the world is yours; which with a snaffle<br>You may pace easy, but not such a wife. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Antony and Cleopatra]]'' (1600s), Act II, scene 2, line 61. * O ye gods,<br>Render me worthy of this noble wife! ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Cæsar]]'' (1599), Act II, scene 1, line 303. * Happy in this, she is not yet so old<br>But she may learn; happier than this,<br>She is not bred so dull but she can learn;<br>Happiest of all is, that her gentle spirit<br>Commits itself to yours to be directed. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 162. * A light wife doth make a heavy husband. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act V, scene 1, line 130. * I will be master of what is mine own;<br>She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house,<br>My household stuff, my field, my barn,<br>My horse, my ox, my ass, my anything;<br>And here she stands, touch her whoever dare. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Act III, scene 2, line 231. * Why, man, she is mine own,<br>And I as rich in having such a jewel<br>As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,<br>The water nectar and the rocks pure gold. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Two Gentlemen of Verona]]'' (1590s), Act II, scene 4, line 168. * Should all despair<br>That have revolted wives, the tenth of mankind<br>Would hang themselves. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Winter's Tale]]'' ([[w:The Winter's Tale#Date and text|c. 1610-11]]), Act I, scene 2, line 198. * It is the duty of both men and women to honour their parents. However, a married woman, who owes devotion to her husband, is exempt from the precept of honouring her parents. Yet, she is obliged to do for the parents, all she can, if her husband does not object. ** [[w:Kitzur Shulchan Aruch|Kitzur Shulchan Aruch]] 143:17 * Nothing, Cyrnus, is more delightful than a good wife; to the truth of this I am witness to thee and do thou become witness to me. ** [[Theognis of Megara]], lines 1225-1226. Elegy and Iambus. English Translation by. J. M. Edmonds. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press. London. William Heinemann Ltd. 1931. * Look you, Amanda, you may build Castles in the Air, and fume, and fret, and grow thin and lean, and pale and ugly, if you please. But I tell you, no Man worth having is true to his Wife, or can be true to his Wife, or ever was, or ever will be so. ** Sir [[John Vanbrugh]], "The Relapse; or, Virtue in Danger" (1759), act III, scene ii, Plays, p. 56. Berinthia is speaking. * My own experience of mescalin is described in the appendix of ''Beyond the Outsider''. My 'trip' was pleasant enough, although I experienced none of the visual effects described by [[Aldous Huxley|Huxley]]; I was plunged into an agreeable but sluggish dreaminess. In this torpid state, I became aware of the problem mentioned by Huxley: 'How was this cleansed perception to be reconciled with a proper concern with human relations . . . ?' -- in my case, with my concern for my wife and three-year-old daughter? Although I personally felt nothing but a sense of relaxation and trustfulness, I was aware that, in practice, the world is full of dangers, and in this state, I was incapable of the necessary vigilance; it made me feel guilty. I was neglecting my job of looking after them. Moreover, my ability to think was impaired. Huxley remarks that he found his own ability to remember and 'think straight' to be little, if at all, reduced. I could 'think straight', but I could not think to any purpose. Even the feeling of universal love was not particularly pleasant; I compared it to having a large alsation [[dog]] who puts his paws on your shoulder and licks your face. ** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''Frankenstein's Castle'', p. 59-60 (1980) ===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''=== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 868-71.</small> * She would rather be an old man's darling than a young man's warling. ** [[Harrison Ainsworth]], ''Miser's Daughter'', Book III, Chapter XV. Swift—Polite Conversation. Dialog. I. Also in Camden's Remaines, p. 293. (Ed. 5.) Ram Alley, Act II, scene 1. of Hazlitt's Dodsley. * Wives are young men's mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men's nurses. ** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Of Marriage and Single Life''. * Now voe me I can zing on my business abrode:<br> Though the storm do beat down on my poll,<br>There's a wife brighten'd vire at the end of my road,<br> An' her love, voe the jaÿ o' my soul. ** [[William Barnes]], ''Don't Ceare'', Stanza 5. * And while the wicket falls behind<br>Her steps, I thought if I could find<br>A wife I need not blush to show<br>I've little further now to go. ** [[William Barnes]], ''Not Far to Go''. * My fond affection thou hast seen,<br> Then judge of my regret<br>To think more happy thou hadst been<br> If we had never met!<br><br>And has that thought been shared by thee?<br> Ah, no! that smiling cheek<br>Proves more unchanging love for me<br> Than labor'd words could speak. ** [[Thomas Haynes Bayly]], ''To My Wife''. * Without thee I am all unblessed,<br> And wholly blessed in thee alone. ** [[George Washington Bethune]], ''To My Wife''. * So bent on self-sanctifying,—<br>That she never thought of trying<br> To save her poor husband as well. ** [[Robert Buchanan]], ''Fra Giacomo''. * In thy face have I seen the eternal. ** [[Baron Christian von Bunsen]], to his wife, when dying at Bonn (1860). Found in ''Life of Baron Bunsen'', Volume II, p. 389. * Were such the wife had fallen to my part,<br>I'd break her spirit, or I'd break her heart. ** [[Robert Burns]], ''Henpecked Husband''. * She is a winsome wee thing,<br>She is a handsome wee thing,<br>She is a bonny wee thing,<br> This sweet wee wife o' mine. ** [[Robert Burns]], ''My Wife's a Winsome Wee Thing''. * Be thou the rainbow to the storms of life!<br>The evening beam that smiles the clouds away<br>And tints to-morrow with prophetic ray! ** [[Lord Byron]], ''The Bride of Abydos'' (1813), Canto II, Stanza 20. * Thy wife is a constellation of virtues; she's the moon, and thou art the man in the moon. ** [[William Congreve]], ''Love for Love'', Act II, scene 1. * What is there in the vale of life<br>Half so delightful as a wife,<br>When friendship, love, and peace combine<br>To stamp the marriage-bond divine? ** [[William Cowper]], ''Love Abused''. * Oh! 'tis a precious thing, when wives are dead,<br>To find such numbers who will serve instead:<br>And in whatever state a man be thrown,<br>'Tis that precisely they would wish their own. ** [[George Crabbe]], ''Tales'', ''The Learned Boy''. * The wife was pretty, trifling, childish, weak;<br>She could not think, but would not cease to speak. ** [[George Crabbe]], ''Tales'', ''Struggles of Conscience''. * In every mess I find a friend,<br>In every port a wife. ** [[Charles Dibdin]], ''Jack in his Element''. * They'll tell thee, sailors, when away,<br> In every port a mistress find. ** [[John Gay]], ''Sweet William's Farewell''. * Roy's wife of Aldivalloch,<br>Roy's wife of Aldivalloch,<br>Wat ye how she cheated me<br>As I cam o'er the braes of Balloch. ** Attributed to Mrs. Grant, of Carron, but claimed for a shoemaker in Cabrach (c. 1727). * Now die the dream, or come the wife,<br> The past is not in vain,<br>For wholly as it was your life<br> Can never be again, my dear,<br> Can never be again. ** [[William Ernest Henley]], ''Echoes'', XIX. * Andromache! my soul's far better part. ** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book VI, line 624. Pope's translation. * A wife, domestic, good, and pure,<br>Like snail, should keep within her door;<br>But not, like snail, with silver track,<br>Place all her wealth upon her back. ** [[W. W. How]], ''Good Wives''. * Alas! another instance of the triumph of hope over experience. ** [[Samuel Johnson]]. Referring to the second marriage of a friend who had been unfortunate in his first wife. Sir J. Hawkins's Collective Ed. of Johnson, 1787. * Being married to those sleepy-souled women is just like playing at cards for nothing: no passion is excited and the time is filled up. I do not, however, envy a fellow one of those honeysuckle wives for my part, as they are but creepers at best and commonly destroy the tree they so tenderly cling about. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as Recorded by Mrs. Piozzi. * He knew whose gentle hand was at the latch,<br>Before the door had given her to his eyes. ** [[John Keats]], ''Isabella'', Stanza 3. * But thou dost make the very night itself<br>Brighter than day. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Christus'', ''The Divine Tragedy'', ''The First Passover'', Part III, line 133. * ''Le ciel me prive d'une épouse qui ne m'a jamais donné d'autre chagrin que celui de sa mort.'' ** Heaven deprives me of a wife who never caused me any other grief than that of her death. ** [[Louis XIV]]. * How much the wife is dearer than the bride. ** [[George Lyttelton, 1st Baron Lyttelton]], ''An Irregular Ode''. * In the election of a wife, as in<br>A project of war, to err but once is<br>To be undone forever. ** [[Thomas Middleton]], ''Anything for a Quiet Life'' (1621), Act I, scene 1. * Here were we fallen in a greate question of ye lawe whyther ye grey mare may be the better horse or not. ** [[Thomas More]], ''The Dial'', Book II, Chapter V. The saying, "the grey mare is the better horse," is found in Camden's Remains, Proverb concerning Britain. (1605, reprint of 7th ed. 1870.) Also in A Treatyse shewing and declaring the Pryde and Abuse of Women Now a Dayse. (1550). *'''The best among you are those who are best to their wives.''' ** [[Muhammad]] narrated in Ibn Majah, #1978, and Al-Tirmizi, #3895. * The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A man will not be asked as to why he beat his wife. ** N[[Muhammad]] narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab[http://web.archive.org/web/20111122153120/http://www.cmje.org/religious-texts/hadith/abudawud/011-sat.php#011.2142 Book 11, Number 2142] * ''Uxorem accepi, dote imperium vendidi.'' ** I have taken a wife, I have sold my sovereignty for a dowry. ** [[Plautus]], ''Asinaria'', Act I, scene 1. * But what so pure, which envious tongues will spare?<br>Some wicked wits have libell'd all the fair.<br>With matchless impudence they style a wife<br>The dear-bought curse, and lawful plague of life;<br>A bosom-serpent, a domestic evil,<br>A night-invasion and a mid-day-devil.<br>Let not the wife these sland'rous words regard,<br>But curse the bones of ev'ry living bard. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''January and May'', line 43. * All other goods by fortune's hand are given,<br>A wife is the peculiar gift of heaven. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''January and May'', From Chaucer, line 51. * Fat, fair and forty. ** [[Walter Scott]], ''St. Ronan's Well'', Chapter VII. Prince Regent's description of what a wife should be. Found in an old song, The One Horse Shay. Sung by Sam Cowell in the sixties. * It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can. ** [[Bernard Shaw]], ''Man and Superman''. * My dear, my better half. ** Sir [[Philip Sidney]], ''Arcadia'', Book III. * Of earthly goods, the best is a good wife;<br>A bad, the bitterest curse of human life. ** Semonides Iambic frag. 6, quoting Hesiod, ''Works and Days'', 702f. ]]. * Light household duties, ever more inwrought<br> With placid fancies of one trusting heart<br>That lives but in her smile, and turns<br> From life's cold seeming and the busy mart,<br>With tenderness, that heavenward ever yearns<br>To be refreshed where one pure altar burns.<br>Shut out from hence the mockery of life;<br>Thus liveth she content, the meek, fond, trusting wife. ** [[Elizabeth Oakes Smith]], ''The Wife''. * Thou art mine, thou hast given thy word,<br> Close, close in my arms thou art clinging;<br> Alone for my ear thou art singing<br>A song which no stranger hath heard:<br>But afar from me yet, like a bird,<br>Thy soul in some region unstirr'd<br> On its mystical circuit is winging. ** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Stanzas far Music''. * ''Casta ad virum matrona parendo imperat.'' ** A virtuous wife when she obeys her husband obtains the command over him. ** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''. * When choosing a wife look down the social scale; when selecting a friend, look upwards. ** ''[[Talmud]]'', ''Yebamoth''. 63. * A love still burning upward, giving light<br>To read those laws; an accent very low<br>In blandishment, but a most silver flow<br>Of subtle-paced counsel in distress.<br> Right to the heart and brain, tho' undescried,<br>Winning its way with extreme gentleness<br> Thro' all the outworks of suspicious pride;<br>A courage to endure and to obey:<br>A hate of gossip parlance and of sway,<br>Crown'd Isabel, thro' all her placid life,<br>The queen of marriage, a most perfect wife. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Isabel''. * A fat, fair and fifty card-playing resident of the Crescent. ** [[Mrs. Trench]], letter (Feb. 18, 1816). * The world well tried—the sweetest thing in life<br>Is the unclouded welcome of a wife. ** [[Nathaniel Parker Willis]], ''Lady Jane'', Canto II, Stanza 11. * My winsome marrow. ** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Yarrow Revisited''. Quoting from "Busk ye, busk ye, my winsome marrow," an old song, The Braes of Yarrow. ==See also== *[[Husbands]] *[[Marriage]] *[[Women in Islam]] ==External links== [https://www.rankrobbers.com/hurt-unhappy-wife-quotes/ Hurt Unhappy Wife Quotes] {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|wives}} [[Category:Family]] [[Category:Women|+]] [[fa:همسر]] [[de:Ehefrau]] [[eo:Edzino]] [[it:Moglie]] [[lt:Žmona]] [[ja:妻]] [[pl:Żona]] [[ru:Жена]] [[sk:Manželka]] eumprucj4ubovkbglyqpk7v5mqjlgxe 0 131471 3155794 3154780 2022-08-18T08:24:14Z 176.40.218.11 /* 1999 */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:WWE Raw|WWE RAW]]''''' (formerly '''''WWF Monday Night Raw''''', '''''WWF RAW Is WAR''''', and '''''WWF War Zone''''') is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993. == 1996 == ===February 19=== :''[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]'' :'''Razor Ramon''' ''[taking a microphone]'': Hey yo! Cut the music! ''[his music stops]'' Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass! :''[the crowd cheers]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Well, we said it was RAW! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': What?! :'''Razor''': You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the "great one"; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper. :'''Jerry''': He's been knocked senseless, McMahon. :'''Razor''': Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you "Hot Rod". "Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids." I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV! :''[the crowd cheers again]'' :'''Jerry''': What's he saying, McMahon?? :'''Razor''': So Piper, the only thing missing, ''chico''...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!! :'''Vince''': Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title! ===May 27=== :'''Vince McMahon''': Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you? :'''[[w:Ted DiBiase|Ted DiBiase]]''': ''[with Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin... :'''Vince''': Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you? :'''Ted''': I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon. :'''Vince''': Sweeten the pie? :'''Ted''': Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! === September 23 === :'''[[w:Jim Ross|Jim Ross]]:''' In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, [[w:Kane (wrestler)|Diesel]] and [[w:Rick Bognar|Razor Ramon]] right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the [[W:World Wrestling Entertainment|World Wrestling Federation]] so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the [[w:Atlanta Falcons|Atlanta Falcons]] of the [[w:National Football League|National Football League]] to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at [[w:WrestleMania IX|WrestleMania IX]] in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, "Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R." I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first [[w:King of the Ring (1993)|King of the Ring]] in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on [[w:Super Bowl XXVIII|Super Bowl Sunday of 1994]], I woke up with an affliction called [[w:Bell's Palsy|Bell's Palsy]], and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do ''Raw''? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon! ===November 11=== :''[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home? :'''Brian Pillman''': Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman ''[draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock]'' nine-millimeter Glock... :'''Kevin Kelly''': Oh my God, oh my God! :'''Pillman''': ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!! == 1997 == === January 20 === :''[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]'' :'''[[w:Bret Hart|Bret Hart]]''': There's something I gotta say! :'''[[w:Jerry Lawler|Lawler]]''': What's he doing out here? :'''Bret Hart''': There's something I gotta say to you! ''[Points at Vince]'' You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]] and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, [[w:Shawn Michaels|Shawn Michaels]] finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with [[w:Sid Eudy|Sycho Sid]]? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, "Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the [[w:Royal Rumble (1997)|Royal Rumble]] and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt." So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.) <hr width=50%> :'''Steve Austin''': You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, "No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion." Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face [[w:The Undertaker|The Undertaker]], you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him! === March 3 === :''[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]'' :'''Vince''': Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions? :'''Steve Austin''': The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past 7 years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; "Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him." Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say "I quit! I submit! I've had too much!" There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO! :'''Vince''': Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?! :'''Steve Austin''': You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass! === March 17 === :''[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]'' :'''Jim Ross''': We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart. :'''Vince''': Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened. :''[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]'' :'''Lawler:''' WHOA!! :'''Bret Hart:''' FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! :'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Bret Hart:''' You screwed me, everybody's screwed me and nobody does a goddamn thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, so much goddamn injustice around here, I've had it up to here!! :'''Jim Ross:''' We apologize ladies and gentlemen. :'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody knows it! I know it! Everybody knows it! I should be the World Wrestling Federation Champion! :'''Lawler:''' Get him out of the ring! :'''Bret Hart:''' Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye! You keep turning a blind eye to it! I got that [[w:Gorilla Monsoon|Gorilla Monsoon]], he turns a blind eye to it! Everybody in that goddamn dressing room knows that I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be! :'''Lawler:''' Cut him off! :'''Bret Hart:''' And if you don't like it, tough shit!! <hr width=50%> :'''Steve Austin:''' Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania]], but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! :'''Bret Hart:''' (As Austin begins saying "At WrestleMania,...") You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! Come on!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, ''[Sid comes out]'' If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it! :'''Sid:''' I don't know shit, crybaby! <hr width=50%> :''[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]'' :'''Vince''': Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying! :''[officials pull Bret away from Austin]'' :'''Lawler''': You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out! :''[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]'' :'''Vince''': OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!! === March 24 === :'''Vince''': Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... ''world'', rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match? :'''Ken Shamrock''': Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight. :'''Vince''': Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, "I quit," did you? You did not hear him say the words, "I quit," did you? :'''Ken''': No, the words weren't said, "I quit," but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight. :'''Vince''': Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, "The Hitman" Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin. :'''Ken''': Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that. :'''Vince''': Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned? :'''Ken''': Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen. :'''Vince''': All right, thank you very much for joining us. <hr width=50%> :'''Bret Hart''': First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada. :And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won! :You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, "The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to." Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it. :They say "Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble." So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home. :'''Vince''': You did Bret, that's what you threatened. :'''Bret Hart''': I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. "Don't quit! Think of your fans." Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go "Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9" Sycho Sid, and defend the title." Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America. :So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said "Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell." So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, "Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you." Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time. :So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him. :You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!! <hr width=50%> :''[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]'' :'''Shawn Michaels''': Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me "They're cheering me now." But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, "Tough kitty" said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now. :'''Vince''': Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here. :'''Lawler''': Then what's he doing out there. :'''Vince''': Because he's got more guts than brains. :'''Lawler''': Right. :'''Shawn Michaels''': Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called "America, Love it or Leave it!" :'''Bret Hart''': Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face. :'''Shawn Michaels''': You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit! :''[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]'' :'''Vince''': What has made you snap, Bret Hart? :'''Bret Hart''': I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes. :'''Vince''': What?! :'''Bret Hart''': I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to. :'''Vince''': ''[As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.]'' There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels. :'''Bret Hart''': Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple. :'''Vince''': I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret! :'''Bret Hart''': I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going "You suck!" You know what? I don't suck, they do! :'''Vince''': It's almost as if you're at war with yourself. :'''Bret Hart''': No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! ''[runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]'' ===June 30=== :'''Paul Bearer''': "Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening. :This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids. :But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER! === July 7 === :'''Bret Hart''': A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it! <hr width=50%> :''[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]'' :'''Jim Ross''': This could be damning. :'''Vince McMahon''': I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians. :'''Steve Austin''': Get your ass up, you long-haired freak! :'''McMahon''': He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind. :'''Austin''': There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! ''[Mankind crawls into the ring]'' You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team. :'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! :'''Ross''': Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit. :'''Lawler''': Finally Mankind gets what he wants! :'''Ross''': All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted. :''[Mankind outstretches his arms]'' :'''Lawler''': He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug! :''[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]'' :'''McMahon''': I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - ''[suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner]'' - oh! :'''Ross''': No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him! :'''Austin''': DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! ''[drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]'' :'''McMahon''': My! Can’t believe that! :''[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]'' :'''Ross''': Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number! :'''McMahon''': Thank you, no. This capacity crowd- :'''Mankind''' ''[grabbing the microphone]'': Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!! :'''Austin''' ''[from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]'': Damn right! :'''Mankind''': So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. ''[Austin leaves]'' And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, ''you'' will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! ''[whimpers]'' === August 4 === :'''Vince''': Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. :'''Shawn''': So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret "The Hitman" Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap! :'''Vince''': I don't know if that's necessarily fair... :'''Shawn''': Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up! :I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong? :'''Vince''': Yes, you did. :'''Shawn''': Exactly. :'''Vince''': May I ask you a pertinent question, please? :'''Shawn''': Yeah, cough it up! :'''Vince''': Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that. :'''Shawn''': You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life. :'''Vince''': Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay? :'''Shawn''': Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon! :'''Vince''': Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here. :'''Shawn''': Get your ass out of here! ''[Vince leaves]'' You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth! :And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW! :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Michaels sucks! :'''Shawn''': Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super... :'''Crowd''': You suck! :'''Shawn''': Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat! === August 18 === :'''Jim Ross''': Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time. :'''Steve Austin''': Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, "Hey, Steve, you okay?" No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? ''[Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross]'' You want an apple? You want a banana or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! ''[Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross]'' But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you! :'''Jim Ross''': I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind. :'''Steve Austin''': Sure. :'''Jim Ross''': One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF. :'''Steve Austin''': Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right? :'''Jim Ross''': Right. :'''Steve Austin''': Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question? :'''Jim Ross''': The doctors, you've seen several doctors... :'''Steve Austin''': I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, "Maybe you should do something else." Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, "Don't do this, try not to do this," whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen. :As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right? :'''Jim Ross''': That's right. :'''Steve Austin''': Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say? :'''Jim Ross''': No sir. :'''Steve Austin''': Then get the hell out. === September 22 === :''[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]'' :'''Vince''': What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself! :'''Lawler''': Arrest him! :'''Vince''': ''[To the police]'' Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! ''[To Austin]'' What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law! :'''Lawler''': He already did...look at this! :'''Jim Ross''': Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest. :'''Vince''': Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. ''[Austin looks at his watch]'' :'''Lawler''': Listen to McMahon, get the violins. :'''Vince''': Get ahold of yourself. :'''Jim Ross''': He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world. :'''Lawler''': ''[indicating the cops]'' He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer! :'''Vince''': Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system. :'''Steve Austin''': You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system. :'''Vince''': That's all that these people a— :'''Steve Austin''': I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation ''care''. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, ''you can kiss my ass''! :''[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Oh, God! Oh my God! :'''Lawler''': Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now! <hr width=50%/> :''[Triple H is waiting for his match with Dude Love, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]'' :'''Dude Love''': Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a ''kind'' man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now. :''[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]'' :'''Dude Love''': Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack. :'''Mankind''': Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here. :'''Dude Love''': The pleasure's all mine. :'''Mankind''': You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude. :'''Dude Love''': That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere. :'''Mankind''': Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley... :'''Dude Love''': I know you have. :'''Mankind''': ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him... :'''Dude Love''': I know you can. :'''Mankind''': I know someone who dreams about it even more. :'''Dude Love''': Who is it, Manny? :'''Mankind''': Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have. :'''Dude Love''': Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking? :'''Mankind''': I think I ''am'' thinking what you think I think you're thinking. :'''Dude Love''': Can you bring him out, Manny? :'''Mankind''': Here he comes. :'''Dude Love''': Where is he? :'''Mankind''': '''''CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!''''' :''[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, HHH loses it]'' :'''Dude Love''': Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead! :'''Mankind''': He's alive. HE'S ALIVE! :'''Cactus Jack''': Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG! :'''Dude Love''': ''[overlappping]'' Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy! :'''Jerry Lawler''': What in the world!? :'''Jim Ross''': ''[overlapping]'' Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures! :''[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]'' :'''Jim Ross''': And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park! === October 6 === :''[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]'' :'''Paul Bearer''': Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned! :Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker. :Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shawn''': ''[waiting for footage from Badd Blood]'' Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? ''[Footage appears on TitanTron...]'' All right, here we go... ''[...not of Badd Blood, but of the [[w:The Kliq#The MSG "Curtain Call"|MSG "Curtain Call."]]]'' Whoa. Wait a minute! :'''[[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst-Helmsley]]''': ''[both feigning shock]'' Oh my God, what is that? :'''Shawn''': That's not Badd Blood, that's... :'''Hunter''': That's Madison Square Garden! :'''Shawn''': That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden! :'''Hunter''': That's you, Shawn! :'''Shawn''': And that's...that's...that's [[w:Scott Hall|Razor]]! :'''Hunter''': And [[w:Kevin Nash|Big Daddy Cool Diesel]]! :'''Shawn''': But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy! :'''Vince''': What is this? :'''Hunter''': You were a good guy, I was a bad guy! :'''Shawn''': What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. ''[Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk]'' Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Cornette''': This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are. :You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW. :But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so ''sweeeeet'', and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho. :You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later. :You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but "good" is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later. :And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this "wrestling war" got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is. :You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with. :Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed. :I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion. === October 13 === :'''Bret''': ''[to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron]'' Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now! :'''Shawn''': Is he challenging me? :'''Hunter''': Is he challenging us? :'''Shawn''': Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was [[w:WrestleMania XII|WrestleMania]], and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|Survivor Series]], I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time. :'''Hunter''': And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! ''[Shawn holds him back]'' You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it! :'''Shawn''': I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap. :'''Hunter''': Do you think you're a degenerate? :'''Shawn''': Well, do you think ''you're'' a degenerate? :'''Hunter''': Well, I mean... :'''Shawn''': I mean, I'm positive I'm one. :'''Hunter''': I guess I'd have to be one then. :'''Shawn''': Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too. :There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, ''nothing''. :And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said "the world would be better served if he closed up WCW." Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too. :But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote: :"If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture." :Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are ''facts'', Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but ''facts''. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what ''they'' think of ya. :But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again: :"The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched." :''[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]'' :Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more ''vulgar'' and more ''obscene'' than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say ''go to hell, Phil Mushnick''! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you! :I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion. === October 27 === :'''Jim Cornette''': I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still "Thinkin', Thinkin'!" Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing "I make more money than you," BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion. === November 17 === :'''Jim Ross''': Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screw Bret Hart]]? :'''Vince''': Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that. :'''Jim Ross''': I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, "Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart," so what do you mean by that? :'''Vince''': Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret. :'''Jim Ross''': Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, "well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?" Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF? :'''Vince''': This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, "steal," Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, "stolen his spot." So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, "okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret." So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, "Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you." And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret. :'''Jim Ross''': Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match? :'''Vince''': I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened. :'''Jim Ross''': Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room? :'''Vince''': I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do. :'''Jim Ross''': If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter? :'''Vince''': As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, "I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever," in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, "Okay," to his opponent, "you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out." :'''Jim Ross''': Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man? :'''Vince''': Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, "you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?" Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors & equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option? :'''Vince''': This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, "Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while." And I have no problem saying, "Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well." Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions. :'''Jim Ross''': Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money. :'''Vince''': There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, "Bret sold out." Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, "Vince, help me sell out." So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, "No, I didn't do it for the money," I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that. :'''Jim Ross''': Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon? :'''Vince''': From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us. :'''Jim Ross''': If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now? :'''Vince''': Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from. :'''Jim Ross''': When will you be over this? :'''Vince''': I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed. === December 15 === :'''Jim Ross''' ''[describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]'': This could be a [[w:P. J. Carlesimo|P.J. Carlesimo]] situation. :'''Jim Cornette''': Who? <hr width=50%> :'''Vince McMahon''': Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late. :'''Jim Cornette''': McMahon's turning into [[w:In Living Color|Fire Marshall Bill]] with all this "fan safety" business. :'''Vince''': You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. ''[Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to "Owen" chants]'' What's this all about, and who do you think you are? :'''Owen Hart''': ''[takes off shades]'' Who do I think I am? ''[pokes Vince]'' Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here! :'''Cornette''': Well, ''that's'' showing McMahon plenty of respect! :'''Jim Ross''': This could get very, very ugly in a hurry. :'''Owen''': Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for ''me'' to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! ''[crowd cheers]'' Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about! :'''Vince''': Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed "Showstopper," right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it? :'''Owen''': How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL! :'''Ross''': A lot of that going around these days. :'''Cornette''': I--I know what you mean! :'''Vince''' ''[exasperated]'': Let me tell you-- :'''Owen''': Listen to me for a second. You can call me the "Sole Survivor," you can call me the "Black Sheep," I really don't give a shit! :'''Ross''': Uh-oh. Not good. :'''Owen''': Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this "little nugget" to end it! :'''Ross''': Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley! :'''Vince''': All right, now let me tell you what ''I'm'' going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. ''[crowd boos]'' And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?! :'''Cornette''' ''[as security surrounds Owen]'': That's every cop in New Hampshire! :'''Ross''' ''[as Owen approaches Vince]'': Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress. :'''Cornette''': Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak! :'''Ross''': Owen could snap at any-- :''[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]'' :'''Cornette''': Hey! :'''Ross''': Oh, uh-oh! :'''Cornette''' ''[as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]'': Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! ''[Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Vince McMahon''': It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to "Open the Creative Envelope", so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves "sports entertainment" because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is "entertainment". The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like ''[[w:Days of our Lives|The Days of our Lives]]'', or music videos such as those on [[w:MTV|MTV]], daytime talk-shows like ''[[w:The Jerry Springer Show|Jerry Springer]]'' and others, cartoons like ''[[w:King of the Hill|The King of the Hill]]'' on [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|Fox]], sitcoms like ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]'', and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of "good guys vs. bad guys". Surely the era of "[[w:Hulk Hogan|The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins]]" is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of ''Raw'' and ''The War Zone'', we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning ''[[w:WWF LiveWire|LiveWire]]'' and Sunday Morning ''[[w:WWF Superstars of Wrestling|Superstars]]'', where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank [[w:USA Network|USA Network]] and [[w:The Sports Network|TSN]] for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show. === December 22 === :'''Jim Ross''': Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. ''[Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down]'' Collar-and-elbow tie-up. :''[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]'' :'''Jim Cornette''': And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either. :'''Ross''': Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there? :'''Cornette''': Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it? :'''Ross''': ''[catching on]'' It's a mockery. ''[Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg]'' We thought that... oh, here it is. :''[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn "cries."]'' :'''Cornette''': ''[over Tony Chimel's announcement]'' It was a ruse! :'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: "Triple H" Hunter Hearst-Helmsley! :'''Cornette''': ''[cont'd]'' A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even! :'''Ross''': Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge. :'''Cornette''': Look at these two jackasses! Michael [''sic''] cries every time he comes to this town! === December 29 === :'''Jim Cornette''': Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, "Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs." Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 ''stinks''! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is "wrestling"? Not "sports entertainment", but ''wrestling''! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! [[w:Eric Bischoff|One guy]] is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see "sports entertainment" and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers '''''wrestle'''''! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some ''real'' wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here! == 1998 == === January 12 === :''[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]'' :'''Steve Austin''': Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, "Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!" And I gave a "OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!" === January 19 === :'''Vince McMahon''': At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, "Iron" Mike Tyson! ''[Tyson enters the ring with his crew]'' "Iron" Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring. :'''Mike Tyson''': Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here. :'''Vince''': Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF. :'''Mike''': Bruno Sammartino. :'''Vince''': Don Leo Jonathan as well? :'''Mike''': Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this. :'''Vince''': Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring..."Iron" Mike Tyson will... ''[Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.]'' Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here? :'''Steve''': Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. ''[Tyson extends his hand]'' I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. ''[To Vince]'' Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! ''[flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]'' :'''Vince''': Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! ''[goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] '''YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!!''' [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]'' ===February 2=== :''[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]'' :'''Shawn Michaels''': Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. ''[steps aside for Triple H]'' :'''Triple H''': From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", and "hell". We will, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "bitch," "faggot", or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", "hell" and "bitch." We will never, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "faggot", or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references- :'''Shawn Michaels''': Oh shit! :'''HHH''': ''[to Shawn with light tap on chest]'' Watch your fucking mouth! :'''Shawn''': ''[scoffs]'' Fuck me. :'''HHH''': Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. ''[gives way to Shawn]'' :'''Shawn''': On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is "Swallow the Leader"...''[delivers like Clinton's famous denial]'' I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. ''[normal]'' As a matter of fact, I was ''[makes DX crotchchop]'' UP ALL NIGHT!! ''[laughs along with HHH]'' ===March 2=== :''[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]'' :'''The Undertaker''': Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the ''audacity'' to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane... :'''Paul Bearer''': You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom! :''[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]'' :'''Undertaker''': I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace! ===March 16=== :''[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]'' :'''"Classy" Freddie Blassie''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name. :'''Killer Kowalski''': Time has not silenced the crowd. :'''Ernie Ladd''': I never did a moonsault. :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': or walked the top rope. :'''Pat Patterson''': There were no pyrotechnics... :'''Monsoon''': No fancy, flashing lights. :'''Blassie''': We never flew through the air. :'''Patterson''': We were men of courage... :'''Kowalski''': Men of steel... :'''Blassie''': They were men without fear. :'''Ladd''': I can still hear the echoes cheering my name. :'''Monsoon''': But today... :'''Blassie''': I cheer for them. <hr width=50%> :''[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]'' :'''Undertaker''': Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! ''[summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]'' ===March 23=== :''[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]'' :'''Undertaker''': Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you. ===March 30=== :''[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]'' :'''Triple H''': You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, "Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?" Heh - what I heard was "Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions." Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! ''[points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean "123 Kid" Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H]'' You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid. :'''Sean "123 Kid" Waltman''': ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast! :And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, "DX needs your help." Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!! :'''Triple H''': Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya... :'''Kid''': SUCK IT! :'''Triple H''': Yeah! <hr width=50%> :''[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]'' :'''Paul Bearer''': Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors! :You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to '''CATCH FIRE!''' The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House! <hr width=50%> :''[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]'' :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ''[patched to JR in the arena]'' Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen! ===April 6=== :''[Cactus Jack appears]'' :'''Cactus Jack''': I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, "Cactus, so how's your neck?", I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away. :No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives. :And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, "Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career." See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, "Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?" And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, "Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, "You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... ''[stands up]'' :This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. ''[feels crowd heat]'' Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. ''[drops mic and leaves ring]'' ===April 13=== :''[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': You get to the car, ok? ''[slams coat onto the table]'' Get my bag and bring it back here. :'''Shane McMahon''': ''[over Vince's command]'' This is the dumbest decision you've ever made. :'''Vince''': It may be. :'''Gerald Brisco''': No it's not. :'''Shane''': This is the dumbest decision you've ever made! :'''Brisco''': No, it's not! :'''Vince''': ''[to JR as Shane storms out]'' And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much. ===April 27=== :''[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]'' :'''Triple H''': Attention! ''[the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth]'' At ease, men. ''[group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit]'' I said at ease! ''[rocket launcher is lowered more]'' That's better. ''[walks to Billy]'' Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there. :'''DX members''': Down where, sir? :'''HHH''': There ''[makes crotch gesture]'' and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the [[w:Norfolk Scope|Norfolk Scope]], with ''[mock Southern drawl]'' Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' ''[to normal voice]'' and it will end right here tonight, at the [[w:Hampton Roads Coliseum|Hampton Roads Coliseum]], for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, ''[XPac makes a few unintelligible words]'' if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and ''[gestures open-palm to DX]'' :'''All DX members''': One for All, so ''[makes DX crotch chop]'' SUCK IT! ''[talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]'' :'''HHH''': ''[gestures with baton]'' ATTACK!!! ''[DX starts moving]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]'' :'''Jim Ross''':... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother! :'''Ross''': Good Lord.. :'''Lawler''': Whoa!! ''[scoffs and laughs at the revelation]'' ===May 4=== :'''Mick Foley''': Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better. :So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.' :You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff ''[Dude Love Outfit]'' ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. ''[Vince McMahon enters the ring]'' Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it ''[Dude Love Outfit]'', you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?" :'''Vince McMahon''': You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion! :And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match? :'''Mick''': Yes, I do! :'''Vince''': That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD! :'''Mick''': How you figure? :'''Vince''': Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to? :Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion! :I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours? <hr width=50%> :''[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]'' :'''Paul Bearer''': I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Cmon, so you're telling me- :'''Bearer''': He's my son! :'''Lawler''': You're telling me- :'''Bearer''': You don't believe me? :'''Lawler''': You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother. :'''Bearer''': Well, I nailed - nailed - I ''[Lawler scoffs]'' Okay. :'''King''': Tell me how that... :'''Bearer''': Jerry, can I trust you? :'''King''': I'll tell nobody. :'''Bearer''': I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been ''[Lawler begins to laugh]'' don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda ''[fixes up tie]'' studly. :'''King''': Oh yeah right? :'''Bearer''': I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there! :'''King''': Wait where, on the embalming table or something? :'''Bearer''': No no, in the kitchen floor. :'''King''': Oh no! :'''Bearer''': Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the ''[slaps thigh]'' funeral home. :'''King''': ''[starts to giggle and laugh]'' Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor. :'''Bearer''': In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home. :'''King''': Swear to God. :'''Bearer''': I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. ''[as Lawler laughs]'' It's true! :'''King''': Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother. :'''Bearer''': She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, ''[Lawler laughs]'' and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! ''[they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]'' :'''King''': Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies? ===May 25=== :''[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than [[Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]] recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one! ===June 1=== :''[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now ''[points to chair]'' There's the chair. Come on, come on, ''[as Mick picks up and they go around the ring]'' make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. ''[Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve]'' COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? ''[closer to Mick's face]'' All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. ''[later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Undertaker appears in casual attire]'' :'''Undertaker''': Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper. :''[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! ''[audience pops]'' You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately? :As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? ''[stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction]'' I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. ''[goes outside ropes]'' You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens '''when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!''' ===July 6=== :''[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': What about it, Austin? Kane... :'''Jerry Lawler''': Look, look... ''[Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]'' :'''Jim Ross''': It's not Kane! ''[Austin is surprised]'' It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... ''[the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin]'' the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!! ===July 27=== :''[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]'' :'''Yamaguchi-san''': Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! ''[gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]'' :'''Jim Ross''': ''[stunned]'' That's, that's a pretty subtle message... :'''Yamaguchi-san''': I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!! ===August 3=== :''[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]'' :'''Jim Ross''': What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this? :'''Taka Michinoku''': ''[points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san]'' Sister! My sister!!! :'''Jerry Lawler''': What did he just say? My sister? :'''Ross''': Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister? :'''Lawler''': That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family! ===August 10=== :''[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': Are you still hanging in there? :'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload. :'''[[w:John Wayne Bobbitt|John Wayne Bobbitt]]''': We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off. :'''Lawler''': John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right? :'''Bobbitt''': Yeah they found it. :'''Lawler''': Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton. :'''Venis''': ''[to Yamaguchi-san's wife]'' Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. ''Adios!'' Goodbye lady! ===September 14=== :''[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]'' :'''Val Venis''': Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, ''The Preacher's Wife''. ''[TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]'' :'''Venis''': ''[in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed]'' Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. ''[Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]'' :'''Terri Runnels''': Hi Dustin. ''[goes back under]'' :'''Venis''': and again, and again... ''[laughs]'' :'''Dustin Runnels''': ''[mouths off]'' My God... ''[breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]'' :'''Venis''': ''[laughs]'' I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!! ===September 28=== :''[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!! :'''Jerry Lawler''': That's right. :'''Vince McMahon''': So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! ''[Undertaker glares at him]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': What? What is he saying, J.R.? :'''Vince McMahon''': You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship... :'''Jim Ross''': That's at Judgment Day in three weeks... :'''McMahon''': ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee. :'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God in heaven. :'''Jerry Lawler''': What? :'''Jim Ross''': Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day. :'''McMahon''': And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship. :'''Lawler''': Can you imagine that? :'''McMahon''': However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching ''Raw'' gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals... :'''Jim Ross''': Three? :'''McMahon''': ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock! :'''Jim Ross''': Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live. :'''McMahon''': And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical ''[referring to Kane]'' and the other is mental ''[referring to Undertaker]''. Good luck to you both. :''[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]'' :'''Undertaker''': You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, ''you're'' gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise. <hr width=50%> :''[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker ''[sees Taker raising the steps]'' NO NO NO!! ''[Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin]'' OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! ''[Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain]'' Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Don't move it, don't move it! :'''Jim Ross''': McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee! :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sad and concerned]'' How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!! :'''Pat Patterson''': ''[over JR's commentary as he helps Vince]'' ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here! :'''Jim Ross''': McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here? ===October 5=== :'''Nurse''': ''[to Mr. McMahon]'' It looks just fine to me. ''[to a doctor]'' How about you, doctor? :'''Steve Austin''': ''[disguising as a doctor]'' I'll take it from here, nurse. :'''Vince McMahon''': NO! :''[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]'' :'''McMahon''': Get him off me! Get him off me!! :'''Austin''': ''[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt]'' How about your foot? ''[attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain]'' What do you think about that? :''[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]'' :'''Austin''': Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- ''[manhandles Vince back to bed]'' Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency! :'''McMahon''': No, NOO!! :'''Austin''': ''[sets up defibrillator]'' Everybody clear ''[shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]'' :'''McMahon''': ''[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip]'' No! No please no!! No, help me, please! :'''Austin''': I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! ''[kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly]'' You piece of trash! ===October 12=== :''[A cement truck appears.]'' :'''Jim Ross''': What the hell is that? :'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that? :'''Jim Ross''': Is that...? :'''Jerry Lawler''': It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it. :'''Jim Ross''': Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building. :'''Jerry Lawler''': What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck? :'''Jim Ross''': Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next. <hr width=50%> :'''Michael Cole''': Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck? :'''Steve Austin''': You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out. <hr width=50%> :''[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute. :'''Jerry Lawler''': I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us. :'''Jim Ross''': Wait a minute, there's... :'''Lawler''': Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette. :'''Ross''': I don't think he's... ''[sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car]'' it doesn't look like he's going to run over it. :'''Lawler''': Wait a minute! :'''Ross''': Oh my God, I don't believe this. :'''Lawler''': You can't do that! :'''Ross''': I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Lawler''': Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon! :'''Ross''': That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection. :'''Lawler''': That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! ''[cement mixture is poured into the car]'' NOOOO! :'''Ross''': Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement. :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[watching it on the monitor]'' That's my Corvette!!!! :'''Ross''': McMahon's car is being loaded with cement. :'''Lawler''': Oh my God! :''[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]'' :'''Jim Ross''': McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake. :'''Lawler''': NOOOO! :'''Ross''': The Rattlesnake has struck. ''[Austin leaves cement truck]'' And it looks like... Austin is coming our way. :'''Lawler''': Somebody call the cops!!! :'''Ross''': Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next? :'''Lawler''': 911! <hr width=50%> :'''Steve Austin''': First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! ''[audience reacts]'' I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own. :'''Jerry Lawler''': What? :'''Steve Austin''': And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. ''[at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair]'' Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here! :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear]'' As you were saying? :'''Jerry Lawler''': There you go. :'''Vince McMahon''': Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! ''[Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him]'' Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! ''[Austin flips off at him]'' I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock! :'''Jim Ross''': Austin and The Rock together? :'''Vince McMahon''': Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! ''[audience pop]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane. :'''Vince McMahon''': I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—''[miffed at "Asshole!" chants]'' WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE? :'''Austin''': I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! ''[audience pop]'' :'''McMahon''': Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! ''[anguished]'' And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. ''[gestures to ankle]'' It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible! :And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan. :'''Jim Ross''': Bed pan McMahon. :'''McMahon''': My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, ''[cringes at recalling the moment]'' when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had ''[corrects himself]'' that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS! :'''Jim Ross''': Good God. :'''Jerry Lawler''': Woh. He guaranteed it. :'''Austin''': You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''McMahon''': ''[irked]'' I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL ''[points at Austin with every word] '''FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY!''''' Hit the music! :''[Vince McMahon leaves.]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it. :'''Jim Ross''': I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot. ===October 19=== :''[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': May I have your attention, please?! ''[crowd chants "Asshole!"]'' May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion. :Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. ''[gloats about the shot]'' A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job! :Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! ''[more 'Asshole!' chants]'' So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX! :Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, "I've got the brass to fire your ass." Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! ''[freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]'' :'''Undertaker''': As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared! :'''Paul Bearer''': Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again. :'''Undertaker''': You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: '''I set that fire!''' And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive. :''[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]'' :'''Kane''': You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE! <hr width=50%> :''[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]'' :'''Austin''': You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. ''[notices pants]'' I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, "McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'" ===October 26=== :''[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold ''[points to audience] each and every one of you'' responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... ''[saddened]'' he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! ''[angry]'' And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. ''[to stooges]'' Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say. :'''Steve Austin''': ''[appears on TitanTron]'' Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean! <hr width=50%> :''[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]'' :'''Shane McMahon''': I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong. :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[to the stooges]'' He's just a kid, he's just a kid! :'''Shane''': I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was ''me'', Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... ''[gets more emotional]'' to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you. :'''Vince''': ''[in tears]'' Yes they were! :'''Shane''': My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! ''[Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve]'' It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties. :'''Vince''': ''[saddened]'' You're my son— :'''Shane''': Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? ''[tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]'' :'''Steve Austin''': If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah. :'''Audience''': HELL YEAH!! ===November 2=== :''[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': I have it for you. ''[takes off black sheet]'' This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. ''[Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]'' :'''Mankind''': ''[accepts title and laughs]'' I love it! ''[kisses belt]'' I gotta be honest with you, I love it! :'''Vince''': Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... ''[puts hand on Mankind's shoulder]'' maybe I gained another. :'''Mankind''': Really? ''[Vince drives off]'' Gee thanks, Dad. ''[Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]'' ===November 16=== :''[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! ''[The Rock comes to the ring]'' Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock! :'''The Rock''': You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion! :Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?' :You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking! ===November 23=== :''[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]'' :'''The Undertaker''': ''[to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up]'' I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! ''[begins sacrificial oration]'' Satana, badala, anda ov satana ''[picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin]'' Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei ''[knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]'' :'''Paul Bearer''': ''[sees who it is]'' Kane!!! === December 7 === :''[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]'' :'''Steve Austin''': For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that! :''[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]'' :'''Undertaker''': ''[voiceover]'' Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL! :''[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]'' === December 28 === :'''Val Venis''': Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, ''[points to right leg]'' this leg will be known as Christmas, and ''[points to left leg]'' this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays. == 1999 == === January 4 === :''[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]'' :'''The Rock''': I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... ''[Shane and Vince talk over him]'' :'''Shane McMahon''': He nearly broke my left shoulder. :'''Vince McMahon''': It's my son, dammit! :'''The Rock''': The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?! :'''Vince''': It's my son!! :'''The Rock''': I know it's your damn son but dammit I... :'''Vince''': ''[as they all walk to the backstage]'' Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion! <hr width=50%/> :''[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]'' :'''Michael Cole''': DX and the Corporate Team are going at it! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Look out! ''[Glass shatters]'' What?! Oh no! :'''Cole''': Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here! :'''Lawler''': Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here! :''[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]'' :'''Cole''': Stone Cold with a chair! ''[Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock]'' He pulled Mankind on The Rock! :'''Lawler''': ''[as Hebner counts]'' No! No! ''[Three count]'' Don't do it! ''[arena erupts]'' :'''Tony Chimel''': Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind! :'''Lawler''': ''[over the announcement]'' Oh my God, no! :'''Cole''': Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it! :'''Lawler''': No, Stone Cold did it! :'''Cole''': Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, "you can't do it"! :'''Lawler''': No! You can't do it! You can't do this! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mankind''': At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT! :'''Jerry Lawler''': This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!! === January 11 === :''[The Acolytes look on, waiting for "He" and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]'' :'''Undertaker''': They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth. :''[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]'' :'''Undertaker''': From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink. :''[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]'' :'''Undertaker''': Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why. :''[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[sees Chyna]'' We got problems! Watch out, watch out ''[as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope]'' WATCH OUT!! :'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope]'' There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble! :'''Lawler''': Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!! :'''Cole''': Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble! :'''Shane McMahon''': Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble! :'''Cole''': Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble. :'''McMahon''': I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!! :'''Cole''': Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1.. :'''McMahon''': How can Chyna be No 30?!? :'''Cole''': The Rattlesnake has struck again. :'''McMahon''': Austin will pay for this, I tell you that! === February 15 === :''[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]'' :'''Paul Bearer''': You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness. :'''Undertaker''': McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. '''I own the key to your heart, and your soul'''. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation. :''[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]'' :'''Big Bossman''': You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass! :''[Bossman leaves the stage]'' :'''Undertaker''': You know, you should be more careful what you ask for. === February 22 === :''[The Undertaker appears on the titantron]'' :'''Undertaker''': The battle has been joined. My agents of darkness are poised to unleash my reign of terror on the World Wrestling Federation. All in the name of my master. McMahon, you think you have problems with Austin. Oh, but your problems, they've just begun. And the audacity. Do you think you can actually eliminate me with an Inferno Match? Don't you realize there's some flames that can't be extinguished? And the Lord of Darkness is one of them. Soon McMahon, you will realize that I am your worst nightmare. And by the way, tonight, I intend on showing you just how serious I am with my threat. Tonight, if you like, you can even call it a surprise. McMahon, the World Wrestling Federation will be mine. === March 22 === :''[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[seeing Vince totally drenched]'' Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit! :'''Michael Cole''': It ''was'' a $3,000 suit! <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy Gunn''': Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry. :'''Road Dogg''': Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside. :'''Gunn''': ''[sotto voce]'' Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you. ===April 26=== :''[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help. :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said? :'''Vince McMahon''': I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help. :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense. :'''Vince McMahon''': Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will. :''[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']'' :'''Vince McMahon''': And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me. :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems. :'''Vince McMahon''': But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made ''other'' demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that ''you'' deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father. :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying? :''[Vince nods sheepishly]'' :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: "Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin." :'''Vince McMahon''': Vince McMahon ''needs'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last ''15 months'', every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job. :''[Vince is dejected]'' :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin ''needs'' Vince McMahon... :''[Vince seems optimistic]'' :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': ...''to kiss his ass'', and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!! :''[a saddened Vince walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]'' :'''Undertaker''': Before the ceremony begins, I must address the McMahon family, I am not to blame for what is about to happen here. Vince, this rests upon your shoulders, because you did not live up to your end of the agreement. And Steve Austin, well I guess, showed his true colors as well. Paul, let the ceremony begin. :'''Paul Bearer''': Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse? :'''Stephanie McMahon''': No! NOOO!!! :''[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]'' :'''Bearer''': Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, ''[Taker lightly reaches for her neck]'' and allow her to bear your offspring? :'''Stephanie''': NOOO!!!! :'''Undertaker''': I do. :''[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]'' :'''Bearer''': By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride! :''[Stone Cold runs to the ring and brawls Undertaker, then the Ministry try to attack Austin but he beats down all them]'' === May 24 (RAW Is Owen) === :'''The Godfather''': You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long? :'''Road Dogg''': What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories. <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy Gunn''': If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya... :'''Crowd''': SUCK IT! === June 7 === :''[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]'' :'''Jim Ross''': The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show. :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Big Show signals for the chokeslam]'' He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!! :'''Ross''': The chokeslam, ''[Undertaker breaks through the ring]'' oh- :'''Lawler''' and '''Ross''': OH MY GOD!!! :'''Ross''': Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell! :'''Lawler''': What? :'''Ross''': ''[as Earl Hebner calls for the bell]'' All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! ''[bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole]'' The match is over! The match has been stopped! :'''Lawler''': What? :'''Ross''': The ring has been destroyed... :'''Lawler''': Look at that! :'''Ross''': ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen! === August 9 === :'''Chris Jericho''': Welcome to ''Raw Is Jericho''! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a! :Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF! :Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, ''[indicating The Rock]'' and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream "Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!" Thank you. :The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain! :'''The Rock''': ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, ''"Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"'' How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name? :'''Chris Jericho''': I told you-- :'''The Rock''': ''IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'' The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking. === August 23 === :''[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]'' :'''Billy Gunn''': Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen. :'''Chyna''': I don't have one. :'''Billy Gunn''': All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen. :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[as Billy walks away]'' Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract. :'''Chyna''': Okay. :'''Jerry''': Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract. :'''Michael Cole''': Look! Chyna's got a pen! :'''Jerry''': What's she doing?! :''' Cole''': ''[as Chyna signs and runs away]'' She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship! === September 20=== :'''Bradshaw''': You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our [[w:Groupie|rats]]; and #3—I guess [[w:The Public Enemy (professional wrestling)|Public Enemy]] didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes! ===December 20=== :''[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]'' :'''Val Venis''': Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I ''[makes thrusting motion]'' PLUG IT IN and light you up! == 2000 == ===January 24=== :''[Triple H and Stephanie gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about the Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at Wrestlemania]'' :'''Triple H''': Show me the proof and it's yours. ''[The Rock entrance music kicks in and he appears]'' :'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, the Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. ''[to Big Show as crowd chants "Rocky!"]'' Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' ''[mock whining]'' 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground first ''[normal voice]'' well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before ''[points at the people in the ring]'' you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion. :'''Triple H''': You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against the Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then ''[to Big Show]'' you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with the Rock. :'''The Rock''': Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine... the Rock doesn't need it, the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is ''[points to them]'' cookin'. ===January 31=== :''[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]'' :'''Jim Ross''': ''[sees Snow greet some people who just came down]'' Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': What are they doing here tonight? :'''Jim''': What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer! :'''Jerry''': Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here? :'''Jim''': I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of. :'''Jerry''': Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird'ss-eye view of the competition. :'''Jim''': Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion. :'''Jerry''': Well that was... :'''Jim''': ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either. <hr width=50%> :''[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]'' :'''The Rock''': Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: ''[singsong]'' somebody got a haircut!! ''[Big Show angrily stomps his feet]'' So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants ''[open palm and points at Big Show]'' you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! ''[audience responds with Rocky! chants]'' Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to [[w:Supercuts|Supercuts]] and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means ''[audience joins for the word]'' NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking! ===February 7=== :''[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]'' :'''Triple H''': Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation. :'''Cactus Jack''': You name it. :'''Triple H''': I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER. :'''Cactus Jack''': So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line. :'''Triple H''': Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. ''[Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz]'' Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. ''[the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt]'' Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! ''[pedigrees Cactus]'' ===April 17=== :'''Chris Jericho''': ''[to Triple H]'' So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. ''[Stephanie coldly glares at him]'' I guess that we can't believe that either. <hr width=50%> :''[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]'' :'''Triple H''': I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! ''[does the Pedigree on Earl]'' <hr width=50%> :''[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... ''[angry at Slut! chants]'' hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about! :'''Linda McMahon''': Oh yes I do, yes I can! :'''Stephanie''': In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem "slapping" people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision? :'''Linda''': ''[long pause]'' NO!!! :'''Stephanie''': No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. ''[tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]'' :'''Linda''': ''[shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie]'' Oh my God, I'm so sorry. :'''Stephanie''': ''[dismisses her]'' Get away from me!! ===June 12=== :''[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night! :'''Linda McMahon''': Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? ''[let's sink in]'' If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... ''[as HHH seethes]'' against an opponent of my choosing. :'''Vince''': ''[brushes off HHH's protests]'' That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and ''[points at her]'' you know damn well it's not! :'''Linda''': Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. ''[Stephanie reacts]'' Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita ''[Steph mouths off NO!]'' - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship. :'''Vince''': ''[ponders the logic in the announcement]'' All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. ''[tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]'' :'''Linda''': Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. ''[they look back at him]'' I don't play the CEO, ''I am the CEO.'' and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! ''[Father and son are dumbfounded]'' But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! ''[Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]'' === October 2 === :''[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]'' :'''Rock''': Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down ''[Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring]'' go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and ''prove'' to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna ''find'' things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! ''[Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]'' :'''Chris Benoit''': How's your head? ''[Stephanie gives him a hard slap]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': Whoa! ''[Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Good God! ''[sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away]'' and Benoit's smiling... oh my God! ===October 9=== :''[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]'' :'''Mick Foley''': I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty! :But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. ''[points to Rikishi]'' He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? ''[Rikishi shakes head in denial]'' Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why! :'''Rikishi''': Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! ''[The Rock is surprised]'' You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes. :You see, the WWF has always been all about the "Great White Hope"... and I'm talking about such people as [[w:Buddy Rogers|Buddy Rogers]], people like [[w:Bruno Sammartino|Bruno Sammartino]], people like [[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]], people like [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hulk Hogan]], and now, people like [[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief [[w:Peter Maivia|Peter Maivia]], ''[Rock is visibly shaken at the mention]'' could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like [[w:Jimmy_Snuka|Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka]], could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like [[w:The_Wild_Samoans|Afa and Sika]], [[w:Samula_Anoaʻi|Samu]], and the [[w:Sam Fatu|Tonga Kid]], they were all held back. :So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, ''I'd do it again!'' === October 23 === :'''Kurt Angle''': People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. ''[Shakes Stephanie's hand]'' Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives. :Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. "The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation," the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money! :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' ASSHOLE! :'''Kurt Angle''': ''[to the crowd]'' Would you keep it down for a second please? :A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that. :Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either. :And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. ''That'', people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called "What Makes a Man Super-Great", and I'd like to read it to you tonight. :Greatness comes in many shapes :Beyond red, white and blue. :It's the addition of the color gold. :Yes, indeed, it's true. ===December 4=== :'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called ''[points at]'' you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title. :And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, ''[mocks Angle]'' "I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra." Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. ''[mimics Rikishi's admission]'' "I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for..." oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty! :Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... ''[does rising from the dead]'' "Rest in peace!" Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which ''[copies HHH drawl]''' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! ''[normal voice]'' Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... ''[wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl]'' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! ''[normal]'' One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!! <hr width=50%> :''[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]'' :'''Mick Foley''': ''[crouches down at Vince]'' Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. ''[pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice]'' Kiss my fat ass, Vince ''[normal voice]'' and have a nice day! ===December 18=== :''[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley''': Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... ''[looks at Foley]'' to ''[changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers]'' Congratulations, daddy! It's official! :'''Vince McMahon''': That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. ''[motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner]'' In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!! :''[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]'' :'''Vince''': Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas! == 2001 == === March 5 === :'''Jim Ross''': Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and... :'''Paul Heyman''': They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now. :'''Jim Ross''': I'm joined by Paul Heyman. :'''Paul Heyman''': You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry "The King" Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for '''EXTREME'''! How's that? Not bad, huh? :'''Jim Ross''': I don't know what I did to deserve this... === March 26 === :''[cold opening]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[points to monitors]'' Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, ''[puts up index finger]'' one man will make history, ''[thumbs up at himself]'' and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name "that's J-E-double-F"? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be "capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE"! <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul Heyman''': ''[as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro]'' They say that [[Alexander the Great]] sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the [[w:Monday Night Wars|Monday Night Wars]] are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's ''[refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him]'' that man. <hr width=50%/> :''[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the [[WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Nitro]] finale]'' :'''Shane McMahon''': What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say "McMahon." ''[WCW fans pop and Vince gulps]'' However, the contract reads, "Shane McMahon." :''[Vince is openmouthed]'' :'''Jim Ross''': ''[on commentary]'' Oh my God! I don't believe it! :'''Shane''': That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--[[w:Monday Night Wars#1996–1997:_WWF_struggles|how it kicked your ass in the past]] and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania! :'''Jim''': I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock! <hr width=50%/> :''[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just ''[smashes glass]'' how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing! === June 18 === :'''Diamond Dallas Page''': Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - ''real'' personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see. :But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very ''alive.'' And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, "I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray." Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. "Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!" :You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS! === June 25 === :'''Edge''': Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head. <hr width=50%/> :'''Al Snow''': ''[walking backstage]'' Did you see ''Tough Enough'' last Thursday? :'''Hardcore Holly''': As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help. :'''Al Snow''': I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here? :''[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]'' :'''Faarooq''': Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said ''you'' wasn't [''sic''] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no. :'''Bradshaw''': WCW wants to walk into ''our'' house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too! :Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because ''we're'' gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass! ===July 9=== :''[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]'' :'''Shane McMahon''': Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight. :'''Paul Heyman''': How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!? :'''Shane''': And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at InVasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! ''[Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music "My Time" plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]'' :'''Jim Ross''': The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy! ===July 16=== :''[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon''': I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion! :'''Paul Heyman''': I love her enthusiasm ''[to Shane McMahon]'' Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he? :'''Shane McMahon''': Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. ''[counts on fingers]'' Booker T. :'''Heyman''': Right. :'''Shane''': DDP... :'''Heyman''': Right. :'''Shane''': The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno... :'''Heyman''': GORE! GORE! GORE! ''[Stephanie is surprised]'' :'''Shane''': ...will represent us this Sunday. :'''Stephanie''': WCW and ECW. :'''Shane''': This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever. <hr width=50%/> :''[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please. :'''Faarooq''': Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. ''[wrestlers murmur in assent]'' :'''Bradshaw''': These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! ''[wrestlers get agitated]'' :'''McMahon''': Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin. :'''Undertaker''': To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? ''[wrestlers murmur]'' WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? ''[wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]'' :'''Freddie Blassie''': Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! ''[rises from wheelchair]'' You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! ''[wrestlers get louder]'' :'''Wrestlers''': Fight!! FIGHT!!!! :''[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]'' :'''Debra''': Steve! Where are you going?? <hr width=50%/> :''[Classy Freddie Blassie leaves with an assistant, but Shane and Stephanie McMahon waylay them]'' :'''Shane McMahon''': Hey hold on a second, hold on a second, stay right there. You think what you said there had any impact at all? :'''Stephanie McMahon''': Hey Freddie, you think that with Stone Cold Steve Austin just did out there, you think that had any impact? :'''Shane''': You think the WWF has any impact at all, any impact at all this Sunday on ECW and WCW? The answer is NO!! :'''Stephanie''': ''[laughs]'' But I tell you what will have a lot of impact. You see Freddie, because you and the WWF have a lot in common. ''You're both about to die!'' :'''Shan''': ''[to assistant]'' Get him out of here. Go! ===August 27=== :''[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]'' :'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The [[w:David Arquette|guy]] from ''Scream 2'', the dog from ''Married with Children'', the maid from ''The Jeffersons''! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets ''[makes finger-petting motion]'' a turn! ===September 24=== :'''Michael Cole''': Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam. :'''The Rock''': Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! ''[crowd cheers]'' You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! ''[crowd cheers]'' But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - ''[The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers]'' Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! ''[crowd cheers]'' But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. ''[singsong]'' Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking! === October 29 === :'''Jim Ross''': ''[after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]'': Can Vince make the cover? ''[suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince]'' Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! ''[The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds]'' And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane! :'''Paul Heyman''': But whose side are they on? :'''Jim''': They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, ''[Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face]'' and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...''[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride]'' ...a Last Ride! ''[William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind]'' But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, ''[Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker]'' and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. ''[the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal]'' And there's The Rock! :'''Paul''': But whose side is he on?! :'''Jim''': Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! ''[The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom]'' And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! ''[out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin]'' Oh God! There's Austin! :'''Paul''': I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, ''[Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner]'' punishing The Rock! :'''Jim''': Austin with a Stunner on The Rock! :'''Paul''': Austin just stunned The Rock! :''[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]'' :'''Jim''': And here comes Kurt Angle! :'''Paul''': Whose side is HE on?! :'''Jim''': ''[as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair]'' Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - ''[Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead]'' Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! ''[The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well]'' Oh my God! My God, what is this?! ''[Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair]'' Oh my God, don't tell me! ''[Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well]'' No! No! Kurt Angle! No! :'''Paul''': It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance! :'''Jim''': My God, it can't be! :'''Paul''': It is! It's true! It's true! :''[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]'' :'''Jim''': Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with! :'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true! :'''Jim''': ''[as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]'': Oh no! That son of a - ''[as the referee successfully counts to three]'' No! No, dammit! ''[the bell rings]'' Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done? :'''Lilian Garcia''': Here's your winner, Shane McMahon! :'''Paul''': Shane McMahon has beaten his own father! :'''Jim''': ''[as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]'': Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance! :'''Paul''': Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true! :'''Jim''': Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance! === November 19 === :''[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]'' :'''Ric Flair''': The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo! :'''Vince McMahon''': What the hell are you talking about? :'''Ric''': I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But ''[to Kurt Angle]'' Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man. :'''Vince''': So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye. :'''Ric''': You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! ''[takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince]'' The consortium was '''me''', and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! ''[embraces Vince briefly]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': What?!! :'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!? == 2002 == ===March 25=== :'''Linda McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent ''SmackDown!''. Ric Flair will represent ''Raw''. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following ''Raw'' on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's ''Raw''. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either ''SmackDown!'' or ''Raw''. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars. === July 1 === :''[Booker T chances upon Goldust]'' :'''Booker T''': Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight? :'''Goldust''': ''[as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T]'' Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet. :'''Booker T''': Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will. :'''Goldust''': ''[removes helmet]'' Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back ''[dons helmet]'' :'''Booker T''': Let me see that. ''[takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon]'' I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, ''[kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards]'' sucka!!! ''[returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back]'' Take care of your business, man. ''[leaves]'' === July 15 === :'''Booker T''': ''[in interview with Jonathan Coachman]'' The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the ''[counts fingers on hand]'' five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... ''[looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[shaking Booker's hand]'' Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend. :'''Booker T''': ''[to Coach after Eric walks off]'' Tell me I didn't just see that. <hr width=50%/> :''[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]'' :'''Vince McMahon''': You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of ''Raw'' - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF! :''[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': "For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression. :When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby "the Brain" Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry. :And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when ''Raw'' was taped every other week and ''Nitro'' was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before ''Raw'', and I gave away everything that happened on ''Raw'' so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to ''Nitro'',' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked. :But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. *I* did. Because on ''Nitro'', I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, ''WCW Nitro'' changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. ''Nitro'' beat ''Raw'' 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly! :So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of ''Raw''?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on ''Raw'', and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, ''Nitro'' would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me. :And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE *needs* me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE. === August 26 === :'''Paul Heyman''': We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen! === October 7 === :[''Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match''] :'''Triple H''': Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [''crowd chants "asshole" at Triple H''] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [''Kane stands in the ring, speechless''] == 2003 == === February 3 === :'''Triple H''': Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair. :And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him. :But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5", 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away. :And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-''[correcting himself]'' Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond. :You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by. === February 24 === :''[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days? :'''Goldust''': Question is, after last week's beating, how are ''you'' feeling, JR? :'''Jim''': Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update. :'''Goldust''': Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back. :'''Jim''': Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that "good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right". Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors? :'''Goldust''': There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being "right". As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - ''[twitching]'' ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin. :'''Jim''': Excuse me? :'''Goldust''': Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH! :'''Jim''': Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here. :'''Goldust''': Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say. :'''Jim''': If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be? :'''Goldust''' ''[staring into the camera]'': Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will ''never'' forget the name of - ''[inhales]'' - Goldust. ''[chomps]'' <hr width=50%> :'''The Rock''' ''[singing and playing his guitar]'': ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~ :''[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]'' :'''The Hurricane''': Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat? :''[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]'' :'''The Rock''': Who...in the ''green'' hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, ''[standing up]'' the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, ''[snapping his fingers]'' just like that! :'''The Hurricane''': Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat! :'''The Rock''' ''[grinning, to himself]'': This is a joke. ''[to the Hurricane]'' Who? :'''The Hurricane''': The Scorpion King! :'''The Rock''': Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-! :'''The Hurricane''': ''Brendan Fraser'' beat the Scorpion King! :'''The Rock''': Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful- :'''The Hurricane''' ''[interrupting]'': Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly? :'''The Rock''': ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock- :'''The Hurricane''': Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send ''your'' candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ''["flies" out of the room]'' :'''The Rock''': ...it was a special effect for the movie! === March 3 === :''["The Coach", Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]'' :'''Coach''': Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on- :'''The Rock''' ''[interrupting]'': Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing? :'''Coach''': I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight- :'''The Rock''': You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! ''[stammering]'' Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it? :'''Coach''': Rock, Rock, we go back- :'''The Rock''': ''[stammering mockingly]'' Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! ''[holding up his hand]'' Ka-kow! ''[looking at his empty hand]'' How's Wednesday? :'''Coach''': No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me- :'''The Rock''': Wednesday ''works''! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! ''[Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room]'' Rock can't be ''dealing'' with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos]'' The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! ''[the crowd boos again, louder]'' Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a ''song''! ''[walks over to one of the curtains]'' The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- ''[pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain]'' Heh...excuse the Rock one second. ''[closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning]'' Nah. ''[chuckling]'' Nah. ''[turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]'' :'''The Hurricane''': Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat?? :'''The Rock''' ''[looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]'': How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was ''the Rock'' that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming? :'''The Hurricane''': I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw ''yo' '' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! ''[demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope]'' Like this! :'''The Rock''': Don't do that. ''[The Hurricane demonstrates again]'' ''[stammering]'' No, none of that! Hey! Hey! ''[addressing the crowd]'' Hey-hey, stop cheering! ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock ''tripped'' over the top rope, that's what happened. ''[to the crowd]'' Yeah, that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos]'' Oh, the Rock ''said'' that's what happened! ''[the crowd boos again]'' Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, ''[taking his cell phone out of his pocket]'' his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ''["answering" his cell phone]'' Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! ''[putting his cell phone back into his pocket]'' You're nothin'! ''[to the crowd]'' Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! ''[to the Hurricane]'' Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... ''[chuckling]'' you've got braces! ''[The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth]'' You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? ''[laughing]'' Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, "haku machente, da"! "Haku machente, ah!", do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what "haku machente" means? :'''The Hurricane''': Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means "the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling"! :'''The Rock''' ''[horrified]'': AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - ''[stammering]'' - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock "The Rock"! Oh, yeah! ''[patting his leg]'' E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - ''[to the crowd]'' - stop laughing! ''[to the Hurricane, stammering]'' You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want? :'''The Hurricane''': I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ''["flies" his way out of the Rock's locker room again]'' :'''The Rock''': Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! ''[looking down at his pants]'' You are ''still'' the man! You are still, you are... === March 31 === :'''Jim Ross''': Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch. :'''Jerry Lawler''': Hey hey hey! Easy! :'''Ross''': That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it! === May 12 === :''[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]'' :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say. :'''Freddie Blassie''': D-Von, get the table! :'''Austin''': You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! ''[Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]'' === July 14 === :''[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''' ''[walking out into the arena]'': Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard! === December 8 === :''[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]'' :'''Mick''': You know, when I took over as co-general manager of ''Raw'', I did so with the intention of making things right. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee... :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Uh-oh. :'''Mick''': ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley. :'''Jerry''': What? :'''Jim Ross''': Oh, Mick! :''[the crowd cheers]'' :'''Mick''': Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to ''Raw'' of Stone Cold Steve Austin. ''[the crowd cheers louder]'' :'''Jim''': He started that petition drive last week. :'''Mick''': Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, "We want Stone Cold back on ''Raw''!" ''[the crowd keeps cheering]'' :'''Jim''': It was on the Internet- :'''Mick''': But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California... :''[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]'' :'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, wait a minute. :'''Jim''': La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America! :'''Jerry''': Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here? :'''Jim''': They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer! :'''Jerry''' ''[as Conway takes a mic]'': Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes! :'''Rob''': Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? ''[the crowd starts a "USA" chant]'' You call humiliating us last week on live TV "making things right"? :'''René''' ''[taking the mic]'': Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! ''[to the crowd]'' And America is a joke as well! :''[the crowd boos]'' :'''Jerry''': Wait a minute. :'''René''': You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over! :'''Jim and Jerry''': What?! :'''René''': Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well. :'''Jim''': Come on! :'''Rob''': You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate ''you'', starting with you saluting the French flag... :''[the crowd boos]'' :'''Jerry''': Oh, come on! :'''Rob''': ...right here, right now! :'''Jerry''': Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe? :'''René''': And if you don't, ''je te pitié, mon ami'', we will intro you to a beating, French-style. :'''Mick''': Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? ''[looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]'' :'''Jerry''': Let's make a bet on that! :'''Mick''': Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast... :'''Jerry''': Yeah! :'''Mick''': I like, I even like French's mustard! :'''Jerry''': Ah! :'''Mick''': But I don't like ''you''. ''[pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner]'' So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag! :'''René''': Well, ''c'est la vie'', Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! ''[he and Conway drop their flags]'' :'''Mick''': Bring it on! ''[both he and Duprée drop their mics]'' :'''Jerry''': Uh-oh, look out now! :'''Jim''' ''[as La Résistance back Foley into a corner]'' : It's two-on-one here! :'''Jerry''': There goes Mick's suit! :''[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]'' :'''Jim''': What? :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Jim''': WHAT? WHAT?? :'''Jerry''': What the hell is this, JR?! :'''Jim''': What the hell is- :''[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]'' :'''Jerry''': AAAHHH!! :'''Jim''': My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!! :'''Jerry''': The Rock!! :'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock makes his way to the ring]'': The Great One is here!! And he's all-American! :'''Jerry''': The Rock! :'''Jim''': My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying! :'''Jerry''': I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock! :'''Jim''': Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen! :'''Jerry''': Look at these fans! :'''Jim''': The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here! :'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock takes a mic]'': JR, it's the Rock! :'''Jim''': I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! ''[the music stops and the crowd does a "Rocky" chant before continuing cheering]'' Man, this is a ''Raw'' moment. :''[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]'' :'''The Rock''': Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim! :'''Jerry''': Oh yes! It's the Rock! :'''The Rock''': See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions... :'''The crowd''': And millions! :'''The Rock''': ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... ''[the crowd cheers loudly]'' ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross... :'''Jerry''': Hey-hey! :'''The Rock''': Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! ''[Lilian waves at the Rock]'' How you doing, honey? :'''Jerry''': Uh-oh! :'''The Rock''': You still like the strudel? :'''Jerry''': Oh! ''[Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs]'' How else does the Rock know Lilian? :''[the crowd starts a "Rocky" chant again]'' :'''The Rock''': The Rock knows every - ''[gesturing to the cameraman in the corner]'' - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. ''[indicating the cameraman]'' Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway? :'''Jerry''': Ahh! :'''The Rock''' ''[as Duprée starts to reply]'': It doesn't matter who you are!! ''[the crowd cheers]'' You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say? :'''Jerry''': Pepé Le Pew?! :'''The Rock''': You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway! :'''Jerry''': Fifi?? :'''Jim''': What was that, "Fifi"? :''[the crowd begins a "Fifi" chant]'' :'''Jerry''': Fifi chant! :'''Jim''': La Résistance didn't like that a bit. :'''The Rock''': The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? ''[Duprée and Conway look confused]'' :'''Jerry''': Lips? :'''The Rock''': How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - ''[talking without his lips]'' you're gonna be like that - ''[back to normal]'' and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses! :''[the crowd cheers and starts another "USA" chant]'' :'''Jerry''': JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having! :'''Jim''': This is ''Monday Night Raw'', man, everybody's having a great time tonight! :'''The Rock''': And let the Rock tell you one more thing - :'''René''': No, no, no, no, no more "one thing", you listen to me, Rocky! ''[the crowd boos]'' You show us some respect, ''tout de suite''! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, ''Rocky'', me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky? :'''The Rock''': First of all, Frenchy, I am not "Rocky"! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly. :'''Jerry''': French ''and'' they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts! :'''The Rock''': And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: ''[speaking in mock French accent]'' "Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?" :'''Jerry''': Poodle?! :'''The Rock''': See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor. :'''Jim''': Ooh! :'''The Rock''': And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on ''Raw'', you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-''two''! :'''Jim''': Oh my, here we go! :'''Jerry''': Here we go! :'''Jim''': Now you're talkin'! :'''Mick''': And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock & Rock Connection! :'''Jerry''': Oh no, no - not ''that'' again, JR! :'''The Rock''': You damn right, you bet your ass - ''[turning to Foley]'' what did you just say? :'''Mick''': The Sock and Rock... :'''The Rock''': No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the ''Rock'' and Sock Connection! :'''Jerry''': Oh! :''[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]'' :'''Jim''': Oh, wait! :'''Jerry''': Look at this! :'''Jim''': La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go! :'''Jerry''': These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this! :''[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]'' :'''Jim''': The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley! :'''Jerry''': This is not right! These French are supposed to suck! :''[The Rock comes back into the ring]'' :'''Jim''': Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock! :''[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]'' :'''Jerry''': Look at this! :'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock chops on Duprée]'' : The Rock, opening up on right hands! ''[The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope]'' The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree! :'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock then grabs Conway]'': It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? ''[Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom]'' Rock Bottom! :'''Jim''': The Rock Bottom! ''[as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind]'' And up from behind! Duprée again! ''[Duprée does a little dance in the ring]'' And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman! :'''Jerry''': Oh, no! :'''Jim''': What a stupid dance! ''[suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée]'' And the Rock is up! :'''Jerry''': Look at this! :'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock goes back on the attack]'' Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling! :'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]'': Ohh! :'''Jim''': Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull! :''[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]'' :'''Jerry''': I bet the Rock is gonna - :'''Jim''': Oh no! :'''Jerry''': Aahhh! :''[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]'' :'''Jim''': Socko! Socko! ''[Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster]'' That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam! :'''Jerry''': Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on ''Raw''? :'''Jim''': This huge crowd here in Anaheim - :'''Jerry''': Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - ''[The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée]'' - the People's Elbow! :'''Jim''': The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock & Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! ''[Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well]'' Another spinebuster! It's not over yet! :'''Jerry''': These French punks won't quit! ''[Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit]'' Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead! :'''Jim''': Well, they are the Rock & Sock Connection! Mick Foley... :'''Jerry''' ''[as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]'': It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking... :''[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]'' :'''Jim''': Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective! :''[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a "Rocky" chant]'' :'''Jerry''': This is amazing! :'''Mick''': You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la-la-la-la - :''[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]'' :'''The Rock''': The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ''ever'', and the Rock means ''ever'', steal the Rock's catchphrases. :'''Jerry''' ''[as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]'': This is the way you do it right here. It's patented, it's trademark! :'''The Rock''': ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! ''[drops the mic]'' :'''Jerry''': Oh, yeah! :'''Jim''' ''[as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]'': The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members! :'''Jerry''': Boy, ''Monday Night Raw'' can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on ''Raw''! :'''Jim''': And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why ''Monday Night Raw'' is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight! :'''Jerry''': Unbeliev - uh-oh. :''[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]'' :'''Jim''': And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition... :'''Jerry''': Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin! :'''Jim''': The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment! :'''Jerry''': What a night! :'''Jim''': And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock & Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker! ===December 15=== :''[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]'' :'''Triple H''': All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. ''[crowd boos]'' Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. ''[looks at Randy Orton]'' Intercontinental Champion, ''[looks at Ric Flair and Batista]'' World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. ''[raises World Heavyweight Championship]'' And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, ''[laughs]'' with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. ''[Evolution raises their respective championships]'' ==2004== ===February 16=== :'''Stone Cold Steve Austin''': It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match. :'''Jerry Lawler''': What?! What?! :'''Jim Ross''': Oh my god! :'''Austin''': Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so! ===February 23=== :''[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Hey wait, what the hell?! :'''Jerry Lawler''': What? ''[Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin]'' Oh my god! :'''Ross''': My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar! :'''Lawler''': Austin! Look behind you! :'''Ross''': ''[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders]'' Stone Cold up! :'''Lawler''': Oh! :'''Ross''': Lesnar! ''[Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin]'' Brock Lesnar from ''SmackDown!'' just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not ''SmackDown!'', this is ''Raw''! :'''Lawler''': What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?! :'''Ross''': What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??! ===May 24=== :''[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. ''[Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': Well. look out! He's loose! :'''Jim Ross''': Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say. :'''Lawler''': Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it! :'''Bischoff''': ENOUGH!! ''[everybody stops]'' At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!! :'''Lawler''': Oh boy! :'''Ross''': Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!! ===June 14=== :''[Jim Ross brings together HHH and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives. :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[on commentary as HHH and Shawn get closer and JR distances]'' I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn ''[Shawn reaches out]'' You think this should happen? ''[HHH moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]'' == 2005 == === February 21 === :'''Triple H''': Can you believe this? :'''Ric Flair''': No. :'''Triple H''': It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late? :'''Ric''': Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it! :'''Triple H''': I've done more than you even know. :'''Ric''': You have? :'''Triple H''': Yeah. :'''Ric''': Like what? Stuff I don't know? :'''Triple H''': You know how hard it is to get footage from ''SmackDown!'' of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into ''Raw''? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those ''stupid'' big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over? :'''Ric''': Wait, wait, wait, wait, ''you'' orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave? :'''Triple H''': Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight ''[Ric's jaw drops]'' and went to ''SmackDown!''. :'''Ric''': Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time. :'''Triple H''': Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on ''Raw''. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to ''SmackDown!''. ''[Camera begins pulling back]'' Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure... :'''Ric''': You are clever beyond the word "clever." You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life. :''[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Eric Bischoff''': Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with ''Raw'', the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. ''Raw'' is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike ''other'' general managers ''[looks at Theodore Long]'', my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! ''[Triple H shakes his head at Batista]'' And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams. :'''Theodore Long''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign ''this'' contract and come to ''SmackDown!''. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye. :Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at ''SmackDown!'', it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker! :But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign ''this'' contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on ''SmackDown!''. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player. :''[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the ''SmackDown!'' contract]'' :'''Triple H''': Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not ''[looks at Eric]'' what's best for ''Raw'', ''[turns to Theodore]'' and it's not about what's best for ''SmackDown!''. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution. :I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring ''still'' the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is? :Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened. :Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it. :Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business. :Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do. :'''Batista''': Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time. :''[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the ''Raw'' contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Ooh, Batista! :'''Jerry''': What is he doing?! :'''Jim Ross''': My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal! :'''Jerry''' He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! ''[Batista sets Triple H up...]'' Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No! :''[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]'' :'''Jim Ross''': Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table! :''[Batista picks up the ''Raw'' contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]'' :'''Batista''': Hunter, I'm staying right here on ''Raw'', and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... ''[tosses contract clipboard at HHH]'' from you! :'''Jim Ross''': Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on ''Raw'', and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21. === February 28 === :'''Chris Jericho''': I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on ''Piper's Pit''. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. {{W|Money in the Bank ladder match|It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.}} === May 16 === :''[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]'' :'''Jonathan Coachman''': Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up. :''[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]'' :'''Eric Bischoff''': Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! ''[audience boos]'' Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from ''Raw''. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from ''Raw''. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all. ===May 23=== :'''Jim Ross''': We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral. :'''Jerry Lawler''': Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes! === August 8 === :'''Jim Ross''': What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy? :'''Edge''': JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to ''Raw'' and the lunatic is running around. Well, ''he's'' the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably ''[mockingly]'' break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt? :You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! ''[Points at his eyes]'' This is passion, this is intensity! This is real! :I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his "wrestling legacy." I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1. :So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does. === October 10 === :''[Everybody in the locker room gives Triple H the cold stare over turning on Ric Flair the week before, and he chances upon John Cena]'' :'''John Cena''': I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect. :'''Triple H''': ''[tries to walk away but gets back to Cena]'' You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean? :'''John Cena''': You know me. You want some? ''[taps WWE Championship]'' Come get some! :'''Triple H''': Don't you worry. When I want some, ''[angrily points to title]'' I'll take it! ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]'' :'''Linda McMahon''': ''[rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control]'' Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. ''[to JR]'' So, JR, on behalf of the entire ''[looks at Vince and Stephanie]'' McMahon family... ''[long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]'' === November 14 === :'''Vince McMahon''': Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you. <hr width=50%> :'''Shawn Michaels''': My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend. == 2006 == === May 1 === :''[After Jerry "The King" Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]'' :'''Jerry''': Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. ''[the crowd cheers]'' Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! ''[as Joey marches back out into the arena]'' Come on. :''[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]'' :'''Joey''': You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called ''me''! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called ''me'', because they had humiliated and fired, ''again,'' Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say "pro wrestling", I'm not allowed to say "wrestler"; I have to say "sports entertainment", and refer to the wrestlers as "superstars". I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ''wrestlers'', not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call ''Backlash''?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks ''God''! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! ''[the crowd boos]'' I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. ''[takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside]'' I quit! ''[walks out]'' :'''Jerry''' ''[putting his headset back on]'': You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot. === July 17 === :'''Mick Foley''': Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, "Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?" You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of "no rematch" do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, ''No rematch Ric!'' Yeah! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mick Foley''': Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ''ECW''. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, ''you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap!'' Yeah! === July 24 === :'''Shawn Michaels''': As many of you may know, a few weeks ago, Triple H and myself pulled a little bit of a prank on the McMahons. We told them that one Stephanie McMahon had gone into labor. And... well, that was a lie. ''[Looking up]'' Forgive me. As it would seem, however, life often imitates art. Because at this very moment, Stephanie McMahon is in a hospital in Connecticut giving birth to her first child. And of course, thankfully by her side are her father, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and her brother, Shane McMahon. But unbeknownst to them, my partner-in-crime Triple H, at this very moment, is in that same hospital. :Now, somehow, he's got a little bit of an inside scoop into this whole pregnancy thing. You know... between you guys and me... I think he knows who the father is. <hr width=50%> :'''Mick Foley''': What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched ''Raw'' last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me "Fat Boy". Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name "Fat Boy" hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! "To be the man, you've got to beat the man!" "I'm a 16-time world champion!" "All night long!" blah blah blah. ''You make me sick Ric!'' What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of "no" did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on ''Raw''! Yeah! === August 21 === :''[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]'' :'''Jerry Lawler''': ''[reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side]'' Uh oh... :'''Jim Ross''': Oh God... :'''Vince McMahon''': ''[violently kicks the car and screams]'' Dammit!! ''[holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]'' :'''Lawler''': I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon! === October 9 === :''[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]'' :'''Edge''': Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing. :'''Randy''' ''[standing up from his seat, shocked]'': Excuse me? :'''Edge''' ''[stammering]'': Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball. :'''Randy''': You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': I knew it. :'''Edge''': Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. ''[pointing at the Titantron]'' Roll the footage. ''[footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him]'' Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, ''everything''! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, ''[gesturing to the Titantron]'' let's roll the footage. ''[footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point]'' Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think ''you're'' a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the ''true'' things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our ''careers''! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you. :''[the crowd starts an "RKO" chant, much to Edge's chagrin]'' :'''Randy''': DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! ''[shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]'' == 2007 == === June 25 === :'''Vince McMahon''': Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit. <hr width=50%> :'''Edge''': ''[Referring to Chris Benoit's death]'' It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will. === November 5 === :'''Triple H''': What the hell ''was'' all that? :'''Shawn''': I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago. :'''Triple H''': You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think ''anybody'' writes this crap—[[w:2007–2008 Writers Guild of America strike|they're on strike]]. ''[The crowd cheers]'' But we're not! == 2008 == ===March 31 === :'''"Nature Boy" Ric Flair''': WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at [[w:WrestleMania XXIV|WrestleMania]]. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. ''[The crowd boos this]'' Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! ''[The crowd erupts at this]'' And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! ''[The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels]'' It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! ''[As he speaks, "Thank you, Ric" chants start within the crowd]'' Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! ''[begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]'' :'''Triple H''': Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. ''[embraces Flair]'' Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. ''[shakes Flair's hand]'' And thank you. Thank ''you''. ''[bows down to Flair and then embraces him again]'' Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... ''[Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:]'' TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN! :'''Jim Ross''': ''[As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair]'' This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. ''[No further commentary is uttered.]'' :'''Triple H''': ''[As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair]'' The Animal... and the [[w:Evolution (professional wrestling)|Evolution]], Ric, of Batista... Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat... The seven-time [[w:NWA World Heavyweight Championship|World Champion]], Harley Race... Greg "The Hammer" Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! ''[After Cena has paid his respects, "[[w:Angels & Devils (Fuel album)|Leave The Memories Alone]]" by [[w:Fuel (band)|Fuel]] plays as:]'' Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, [[w:David Flair|David]], [[w:Reid Flair|Reid]], and [[w:Charlotte Flair|Ashley]]! ''[By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they falls silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace]'' Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. ''[pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing]'' Those match; those are cool. Anyway... ''[laughs and taps the microphone]'' Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ''["[[w:...To Be Loved|...To Be Loved]]" by [[w:Papa Roach|Papa Roach]], then the'' Raw ''theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant "Thank you, Ric" with the audience]'' === June 9 === :'''Chris Jericho''': Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that. But first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. ''[to the cheering fans]'' No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista... :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you. :'''Jericho''': All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touche. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... ''[off the cheers]'' see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. ''[The crowd boos]'' See? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed. You know. It seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you. I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, "HBK!" You know, it's...HBK, HBK! :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' HBK! :'''Jericho''': So that brings us to my question, and my question is this. How does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being? == 2010 == === January 11 === :'''[[w:The Miz|The Miz]]''': ''[outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room]'' When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs. :''[Walks away]'' For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, "Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!" :Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even ''go'' in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. ''That'' locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. ''[He is now on the arena floor]'' The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me. :MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. ''[He is now in the ring]'' If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch ''Monday Night Raw'', not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP! :MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME! === November 22 === :'''The Miz''': I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion! <hr width=50%/> :'''CM Punk''': You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that ''he'' is the true story. He is the WWE Champion. :'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw! == 2011 == === April 11 === :'''Edge''': You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case. :Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania XVII|WrestleMania]]. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. ''[The crowd is visibly shocked]'' I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now. :''[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting "Thank you, Edge."]'' :This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys. :I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms. :I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't. :You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me. :So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much. === June 20 === :'''[[Phil Brooks|CM Punk]]''': July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship. === June 27 === :'''CM Punk''': John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I ''do'' like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as ''[[w:Dwayne Johnson|Dwayne]]'' though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. ''[Turns to camera and waves]'' Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall. :I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship. :I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick! :''[Turns to the fans]'' Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job! :I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. ''[Waves to camera]'' Hey, [[w:Colt Cabana|Colt Cabana]], how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like [[w:John Laurinaitis|John Laurinaitis]] who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic [[w:Stephanie McMahon|daughter]] and his doofus [[w:Triple H|son-in-law]] and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...''[The mic cuts off]'' === July 11 === :'''CM Punk''': You wanna have fun? Let's have fun. :'''Mr. McMahon''': ''[on the contract]'' I've got everything in here you want... :'''CM Punk''': Because ''my'' lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? ''[The crowd cheers]'' You wanna hear a couple new perks? :'''Mr. McMahon''': Don't push me. :'''Audience member''': What? :'''CM Punk''': He said, "don't push me." Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—''[pushes McMahon in his seat]'' that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship. :Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet. :[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. ''[The crowd cheers and chants "WE WANT ICE CREAM!"]'' Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales. :I want WWE Films to immediately start production on ''CM Punk: The Movie''! You can call it ''The Chaperone 2'', except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful. :And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event. :Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired. :'''Mr. McMahon''': They deserved it! :'''CM Punk''': They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it! <hr width=50%/> :'''CM Punk''': I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say ''I've'' lost sight? ''I've'' lost sight of things, ''John''? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I ''don't'' fit a certain mold. Because ''I'' am the underdog, and that's exactly what ''you've'' lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that ''they'' used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as ''[points to Vince McMahon]'' that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, ''you'' are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who ''also'' portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it! :'''John Cena''': That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up. :'''CM Punk''': What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! ''[John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John]'' You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, ''I'm'' the underdog! ''[John's music plays for fourteen seconds]'' Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because ''they wanna hear it!'' I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! ''[Rips up the contract]'' I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else. ===July 18=== :'''John Cena''': Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no. :I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much. :''[over Vince's protests]'' Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity. :So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, ''brother!'' That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass! <hr width=50%/> :''[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]'' :'''Triple H''': Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees. :On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. ''[audience chants for Cena]'' Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ''["Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad]'' Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. ''[leaves Vince]'' ===August 8=== :''[At CM Punk and John Cena's Undisputed Title match contract signing for SummerSlam, Triple H makes asides to Punk not showing up when needed]'' :'''CM Punk''': Wait a minute, I'm gutless, I'm a phony, I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here, ''[points at HHH]'' you or Funkman ''[points at John Laurinaitis]'' over here, huh? Who, let me ask you a question, Johnny Funkman. You personally face to face, fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? Huh did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes, his name his Harry Smith, not David Hart Smith that he was no longer needed here, huh? Did you tell Chris Masters - somebody who has worked his ass off to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you call him up and say "hey kid, it's a budget thing. Best of luck on your future endeavors" - don't call me gutless! You have him do your dirty work! This isn't about him ''[John Laurinaitis]'' This isn't about you. ''[HHH]'' == 2012 == === February 27 === :'''Chris Jericho''': Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it. :You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best. :And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...''[to the booing crowd]'' oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way... :'''CM Punk''': Stop. Stop. Just stop. :'''Chris Jericho''': Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you. :'''CM Punk''': And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen ''anything'' from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, ''[holding up WWE Championship]'' I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here. :You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret "Hitman" Hart, the best there is, ''[crowd says it with him]'' the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada? :'''Chris Jericho''': Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. ''[to the crowd]'' You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth. :I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. ''[Crowd chants "CM Punk!"]'' You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do! :'''CM Punk''': You know, you keep ''saying'' that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams ''inferiority''. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to ''me'' that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to ''yourself'' that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy. :You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's ''surpassed'' everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the ''man'', like how I'm the ''man'', were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you. :See, ''you'' say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best ''wrestler'' in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're [[w:Dancing with the Stars (U.S. season 12)|dancing with stars]]! :'''Chris Jericho''': When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the "best in the world" verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! :'''CM Punk''': Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, "hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!" :See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how ''awesome'' we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing ''we'' need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, ''[Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd]'' "Best in the world!!!" ''[Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho]'' It's not gonna be the end of ''the'' world, it's just gonna be the end of ''yours''. === March 12 === :'''Chris Jericho''': Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic. :Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you. :And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace? :It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk! === May 21 === :'''John Cena''': I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, "You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on." :'''Michael Cole''': Can't do that, can he? :'''John Cena''': What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! ''[frustrated grunt]'' Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, "Show, I got this one." He looked in my eyes and he said, "Yeah, you do." And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis. :'''Jerry ''': I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now. :'''John Cena''': Hindsight being 20/20, there are some "experts" out there that are saying, "Well, why did you toy with him?" "Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?" Or, "Why did you pour water all over him?" "You should have just beat him." Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. ''[pointing to audience]'' This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... ''[making noise]'' the first random e-mail would be, "May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back." But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and ''[mimicking John Laurinaitis]'' tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap! :''[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}'' :'''John Cena''': Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck. :'''Eve Torres''': Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis. :''[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]'' :'''Michael Cole''': It's wonderful. :'''Jerry''': Oh, my god. :''[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]'' :'''John Laurinaitis''': John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called "No Way Out." That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show. :''[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]'': :'''Jerry''': I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...? :'''Big Show''': Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? ''[hears "You're a sellout" chants]'' I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you what I've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out. === May 28 === :'''Big Show''': ''[mock smiling]'' You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. ''[hears "Cena" chants]'' I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. ''[hears "Cena" chants again]'' You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. ''[clip shows from May 14]'' Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Lauriaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that ''[mock smiling]'' puts a smile on my face. <hr width=50%/> :'''Cody Rhodes''': Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion. :'''Jerry''': What does that mean? What does that mean, "sits on the fence"? :'''Cody''': Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you. === July 30 === :'''CM Punk''': "WrestleMania moments" are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a ''Raw'' moment; it was a ''Raw'' moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way ''Raw 1,000'' went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of ''Raw'' went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, "CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe." :''[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that. :'''CM Punk''': I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, ''[holds up the WWE Championship]'' the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect. :First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, ''Dwayne'' does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make ''Raw's'' 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and ''I'' am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry? :And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' ended the exact way every episode of ''Monday Night Raw'' should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, ''[holds up the title again]'' the best wrestler in the world. === September 3 === :'''The Miz''': You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his ''Z! True Long Island Story'', he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much. :'''Michael Cole''': Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the "One Man Band!" :'''The Miz''': I got a song he can cover. How about [[Beck|Beck's]] "[[w:Loser (Beck song)|Loser]]"? === September 10 === :'''Bret Hart''': Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up? :'''CM Punk''': "Phony"? "Phony"? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony? :'''Bret''': A phony little punk. :'''John Cena''': Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life. :'''CM Punk''': Well, if that isn't [[the pot calling the kettle black|the pot calling the kettle black]], I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at [[w:WrestleMania 13|WrestleMania 13]]? Stone Cold Steve Austin? ''[like to a child]'' I'm better than him too. :And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best ''wrestler'', I am the best ''talker'', I am the best ''technician'', I am the best ''brawler''. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony. :'''John Cena''': He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume. :You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not. :For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, "we get change!" And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by "we want change" is "make CM Punk a star." You don't even know who CM Punk is. :I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me. :Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. ''[Pointing to the WWE Championship]'' You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this. :I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. ''Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul.'' Which means... :'''CM Punk''': Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself! :'''John Cena''': ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, "you ''say'' you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!" === November 26 === :'''Michael Cole''': Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came... :'''Dean Ambrose''': Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask. :'''Michael Cole''': Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk? :'''Dean Ambrose''': Nope. :'''Michael Cole''': Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here? :'''Seth Rollins''': Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE. :'''Michael Cole''': I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk. :'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it? :'''Dean Ambrose''': It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right? :'''Michael Cole''': Roman, I would love to get your take on all this. :'''Roman Reigns''': When I want to say something, I'll say it. :'''Dean Ambrose''': Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice. :'''Seth Rollins''': Yeah. :'''Dean Ambrose''': We're a shield from injustice. ''[The three look at each other and like the sound of it]'' We are [[w:The Shield (professional wrestling)|The Shield]]. :'''Michael Cole''': Okay, so... :'''Roman Reigns''': Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man. == 2013 == === January 7 === :'''CM Punk''': The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words "pipe bomb" have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said "pipe bomb." I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people. :Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it. :That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more ''you'' people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd. :Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without ''you.'' :Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful ''in spite'' of you. :Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say "I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!" Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say "Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida." No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida. :There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say "Oh, I did it for all of you." Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world. :Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth. :Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. ''[Pointing to random people in the audience]'' You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter. <hr width=50%/> [after commercial break] :'''CM Punk''': So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on) :'''The Rock''': The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up. :You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass. :I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant "respect," they're not gonna chant "best in the world," they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, "Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss." :'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss! :'''CM Punk''': Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win. :'''The Rock''': They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa! :You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's ''why'' the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win ''[points to WWE Championship]'' that. :The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV "Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor." Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, ''toot-toot!'' :CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter. :'''CM Punk''': Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful... :'''The Rock''': IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion. :'''CM Punk''': Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your "millions and millions" and your "finallys". And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God. :'''The Rock''': You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up. :But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble. === January 14 === :''[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]'' :'''The Rock''': Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear. :She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair :And then she'll ask me, "Do I look alright?" :And I said, "No biatch! You look [[w:Wonderful Tonight|horrible tonight]]." :You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time. :You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind. :So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight, :Because biatch, you look horrible tonight. :I said biatch, you look horrible tonight. :'''Vickie Guerrero''': Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!? :'''The Rock''': Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly ''[audience joins in]'' "We said biatch, you look horrible tonight." ''[Vickie slowly walks out]'' Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch. === April 8 === :'''Josh Mathews''': How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion? :'''Dolph Ziggler''': You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I ''knew'' I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...''this'' is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time. === July 8 === :'''Bray Wyatt''': I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here. === July 15 === :'''Paul''': You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in ''my'' world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I ''martyred my entire career'' for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. ''We'' were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. ''We'' were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. ''We'' came within an ''inch'' of breaking the Undertaker's streak at [[WrestleMania##WrestleMania 29|WrestleMania]]. ''We'', CM Punk, ''we'' were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world. :''[To audience]'' See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: "Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!" :Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed ''us'' when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman. :So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have ''[indicating the crowd]'' is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them! :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK! :'''Paul''': And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, ''best friend, brother, business son'', man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. "Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?" :And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar! :'''CM Punk''': Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand [[w:Money in the Bank (2013)|last night]] that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you. :This time, ''I'' swear on ''your'' children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt! :You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?! :'''Paul''': No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. ''[Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual]'' IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!! === July 29 === :'''Bray''': ''[to Kane]'' I heard you like to call yourself "the Devil's Favorite Demon." But you, sir, are ''NO DEMON!'' And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know ''[whispering] who might be listening.'' FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!! === August 26 === :'''AJ Lee''': OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of ''Total Divas'', and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network! :Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a "thank you"? :You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I ''sucked''...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and ''that'' is reality. === September 9 === :'''Michael Cole''': What is your problem with the cast of ''Total Divas''? :'''AJ Lee''': My problem with the cast of ''Total Divas'' is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title. :'''Michael Cole''': ''[back to the match]'' The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday... :'''AJ Lee''': This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them. :'''JBL''': Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other? :'''AJ Lee''': For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face. :'''Jerry''': So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls? :'''JBL''': It's certainly a big hit. :'''AJ Lee''': I have the date I won this title [https://twitter.com/WWEAJLee/status/374621087474384896/photo/1 tattooed on the back of my neck]. This is all I care about. :'''Jerry''': So...any other tattoos? :'''AJ Lee''': I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger. === October 21 === :'''Paul Heyman''': Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as "The Best in the World" CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the ''Divas''. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever! :But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, ''[now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, "Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!" They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one''...that has a different strategy. :Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me. === December 9 === :''[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing]'' :'''Randy Orton''': Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're ''not'' capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because ''if'' you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on ''Raw''. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday. :Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC ''[pointing at the titles] hanging right here!'' :You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile... :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES! :'''Randy''': ''Meanwhile,'' I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? ''[Shawn waves from behind Triple H]'' Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a [[w:Montreal Screwjob|screwjob in Montreal]] if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring. :John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you. <hr width=50%/> :'''John Cena''': It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, "work." A little example, for one second. ''[Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and "YES!" chants of the Seattle crowd]'' Tell these people your name, please. :'''Daniel''': My name is Daniel Bryan. :'''John''': We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from? :'''Daniel''': I'm from Aberdeen, Washington. :'''JBL''': Wherever that is. :'''John''': Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one. :'''Daniel''': No, my dad's a log scaler actually. :'''JBL''': What? :'''John''': So since you've been here, you've have to...''work'' for everything you've got. :'''Daniel''': Yes. :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YES! :'''John''': ''[back to Randy]'' You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given ''every single thing'' in the WWE! :I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because ''they'' liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?! :You have ''always'' blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems ''outside'' the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're ''selfish!'' Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, "Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago." :Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: "You want some? Come get some!" :And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, "Let's fight." Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the ''only'' legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! ''[Turns to Daniel]'' So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, ''[shakes his hand]'' I look forward to the rematch. A ''fair'' rematch. :You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. ''[Sticks out his hand]'' This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it. === December 30 === :'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan]'' This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been ''perfect!'' No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. ''[Pulls Daniel by the hair]'' Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end. :'''Daniel''': You're right. :'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again. Say that again. :'''Daniel''': You're right. :'''Bray Wyatt''': Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it! :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' NO! :'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[indicating the mic]'' You want this? ''[Bray hands it to Daniel]'' Say it! :'''Daniel''': You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted "YES!" in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family. :''[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]'' :'''Bray Wyatt''': Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything! == 2014 == === March 3 === :'''Paul Heyman''': ''[on the Chicago crowd chanting "CM PUNK!"]'' I believe he deserves louder than that! :'''Fans''': ''[chanting]'' CM PUNK! :''[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]'' :'''Paul''': I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening. :And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. ''[crowd chants louder]'' Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world. :So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you! :Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, ''you'' took him away from me. You made CM Punk ''your'' hero, you said you would give CM Punk ''your'' love, ''your'' affection, ''your'' respect, ''your'' affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves. :I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, ''[Paul stands up]'' and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar! === March 10 === :'''Bray Wyatt''': ''[to Hulk Hogan and John Cena]'' I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good. :You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god. :'''John Cena''': Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years ''[singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.'' :Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it. ===April 7=== :'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, ''Brock Lesnar!'' The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar! :'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' BULLSHIT! :'''Paul''': I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, ''WE TOLD YOU SO!!!'' My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, ''[pointing across Brock's shirt]'' "Eat, sleep, break the Streak"! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children. :But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... ''[turns to audience]'' Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came ''[holds fingers about an inch apart]'' this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he ''would'' have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar ''would'' have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead. :Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, ''[points to announcers]'' {{W|John Layfield|John "Bradshaw" Layfield}} and {{W|Michael Cole (wrestling)|those two}} {{W|Jerry Lawler|other things}} that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—''Super''dome, Hogan, not ''Silver''dome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a ''loser,'' and the winner, whether you like it or not, was ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' :But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV! :So notice ''this'', okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, "I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon." But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! :And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, ''[mocking] "Hey, Paul, ''I'' could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker."'' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1. :I'm sorry, are you saying "What?" to me :'''Crowd''': WHAT?! :'''Paul''': Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. ''Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!'' :Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famer''s'', there are Legend''s'', and there are WWE Superstar''s'', and the key to that is that they're all ''plural''. They're all lumped together. And then there's only ''one'' that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only ''one'' Beast Incarnate, there's only ''one'' conqueror of the Streak, and there's only ''one'' Brock Lesnar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior''': Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. ''[Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on]'' Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let ''me'' do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever! === June 9 === :'''Dean Ambrose''': The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins. :History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be. :Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you. :'''Roman Reigns''': Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company! :And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. "The King of Kings" ooooooh. :'''Dean Ambrose''': Ooooooh. :'''Roman Reigns''': We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why... :'''Seth Rollins''': Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...''[crowd booing]'' Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved! :'''Michael Cole''': Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man. :'''Seth Rollins''': You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt! :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU SOLD OUT! :'''Seth Rollins''': No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing ''[points to Michael Cole]'' you won't admit, ''[points to crowd]'' that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my "brothers" in the back. That I betrayed my "brothers". And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins! :So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...''[throws the chair out the ring]'' I said my piece! === July 7 === :'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for ''Brock Lesnar,'' who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent... :'''Cesaro''': Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, ''et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.'' === July 21 === :''[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]'' :'''Xavier Woods''': Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take. <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul''': ''[to Triple H]'' Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but "Plan A" just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, "Plan B," I like "Plan B," Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing "Plan C." <hr width=50%/> :'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, ''BROCK LESNAR'' conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, "let's go, Cena!" And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, "Cena sucks!" :Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing "Doctor of Thuganomics" is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating. :''[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]'' :You know, for years, everybody said, "I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak." But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life. :Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, "John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet." Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating. :At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to ''mangle'' John Cena! And then, and ''only'' then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering. :I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all! :Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world! === August 11 === :'''Paul''': He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun. :But not at your expense, so let us school you, son. :No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you. :My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew. :You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast, :And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast. :You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug. :You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs? :I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate. :You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date. :So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near, :Get it out your damn system when you say, "the champ is here." :Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena :Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena. === August 18 === :'''Paul''': Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, ''reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!'' :Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, ''Brock Lesnar!'' :'''Brock''': I love it when you say that. Say that again please. :'''Paul''': ''Brock Lesnar!'' Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking ''any'' superstar; we're talking a ''top'' superstar. And not just ''any'' top superstar; we're talking ''the'' top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one ''man'' in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena. :And as I stood right here ''[pointing to the ringside floor]'', with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, "never give up," John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote ''The History of WWE'' right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history. :Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? ''[Imitates buzzer]'' Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred ''still dies!'' Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect ''died'' at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation ''died'' and was conquered by Brock Lesnar! :And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss. :Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! :Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...''[waves hand in front of face like...]'' John Cena. === October 20 === :''[Dean Ambrose watches ''See No Evil 2'' and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]'' :'''John Cena''': What are you doing? :'''Dean''': Doing some research for our match tonight. ''See No Evil 2'' starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic. :'''John Cena''': This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night? :'''Dean''': See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix. :'''John Cena''': What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it? :'''Dean''': Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we ''handle'' it. :'''John Cena''': I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker. :'''Dean''': ''[after John leaves]'' [[The Dark Knight|Why so serious?]] === December 8 === :'''AJ Lee''': ''[accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy]'' Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term "diva," and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by [[w:Bayley (wrestler)|Bayley]] or [[w:Sasha Banks|Sasha]] or [[w:Charlotte Flair|Charlotte]] or [[w:Emma (wrestler)|Emma]] or [[w:Paige (wrestler)|Paige]]. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion. == 2015 == === March 9 === :'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but ''instead'' I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you. :''[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]'' :'''Paul Heyman''': Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort "Here comes the pain". The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: ''BROCK LESNAR!'' :''[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]'' :'''Paul Heyman''': Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. ''[mocking] "Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!"'' :I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: "One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight." Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, "One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle." Two moves that you see him do today. :And the same applies at WrestleMania: "Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family." It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania. :And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive! :You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: "Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen." When Roman Reigns is too— ''[Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]'' :You know what I really like the most about this? I like how [[w:Wizard of Oz (character)|Oz]] behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, ''THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO!'' ''[The mic cuts off again]'' Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—''[talking to Lesnar]'' by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! ''AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!'' :In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: ''The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World'', The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... ''BROCK LESNAR!'' === March 30 === :'''Paul''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, ''BROCK LESNAR!'' So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! ''[The crowd chants, "Suplex City!" which draws a laugh from Brock]'' Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, "Suplex City, bitch!" :So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, "I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!" I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [''sic''] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client ''almost'' respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go. :So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, "good night, everybody," picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. ''[aside to Brock]'' I got this. :You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [''sic''], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight! <hr width=50%> :'''Seth''': You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight. <hr width=50%> :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(after Lesnar attacks J&J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman)'' Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING! <hr width=50%> :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''(being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions)'' You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee? That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves) === July 20 === :''[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]'' :'''The Undertaker''': I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace! === September 21 === :'''Paige''': Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. "Oh, I love you, daddy" and "oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you." Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the ''real'' reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for [[w:Ric Flair|your old man]]. === November 9 === :'''Triple H''': I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations. :'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' Thank you, Rollins! :'''Triple H''': That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins. In Dublin, Ireland, Seth [[w:Unhappy triad|blew out his knee]]. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. ''[Mixed cheers and boos from crowd]'' That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void? :A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns! <hr width=50%> :'''Triple H''': ''[on the displayed Championship]'' Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a ''whole'' lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight ''you'' at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair. :And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean ''strongly'' considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. :And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away. :It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be ''my'' man. :'''Roman Reigns''': So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out? :'''Triple H''': "Sell-out." "Sell-out," that's an interesting word. You know what "sell-out" is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman. :Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, ''[places the belt over Roman's shoulder]'' you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, "I'm the man." You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, "yeah, but everybody liked me." You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. ''[Takes belt back and places on pedestal]'' All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man. :'''Roman Reigns''': Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it. :'''Triple H''': Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place. === November 16 === :'''Dean Ambrose''': If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum. <hr width=50%/> :''[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two? :'''Paige''': First of all, this is no ''friendships'', Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion ''or'' friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back ''my'' Divas Championship. :''[Paige signs the contract]'' :'''Charlotte''': It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time. :'''Paige''': How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way. :'''Charlotte''': What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to ''be'' like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my [[w:Reid Flair|late brother]]...''[starts to tear up]'' When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family. :'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one. :'''Charlotte''': "Using" me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day. :'''Paige''': And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or ''Seventeen'' magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte? :'''Charlotte''': [[w:The Hardy Boyz|Team Xtreme]], D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way. :'''Paige''': Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you. :'''Charlotte''': You're not a champion! You ''never'' were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like. :I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you. :'''Paige''': Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing. :'''Michael Cole''': ''[as Paige is about to leave]'' Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract. :'''Paige''': You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is ''so'' impressive, you old fart! :'''Charlotte''': You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building! :'''Michael Cole''': Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract... :'''Charlotte''': I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do! :'''Paige''': You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in ''him'', did he? :''[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]'' == 2016 == === February 8 === :'''Daniel Bryan''': ''[on the YES! chants from the audience]'' So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it. :But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room. :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO! :'''Daniel''': I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called [http://www.wigs4kids.org/ Wigs 4 Kids], and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there. :But now to some less fun stuff. So... :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' NO! :'''Daniel''': Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. ''[Audience boos]'' And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else. :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THANK YOU, DANIEL! :'''Daniel''': But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon. :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES! :'''Daniel''': That's what Brie says all the time! :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! :'''Daniel''': So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time. :Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. ''[Sticks himself between the top two ropes]'' It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that. :Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, ''and'' I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like [[w:Connor Michalek|Connor]]. :Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me ''[starting to tear up]'' in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8" and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked ''Raw''. :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' YES! :'''Daniel''': And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting "Daniel Bryan!" :'''Crowd''': ''[chants]'' DANIEL BRYAN! :'''Daniel''': But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. ''[Tearing up]'' And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right? :That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful. :Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last "YES!" chant, I would really appreciate it! ===May 23=== :''[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]'' :'''Charlotte Flair''': You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... ''[miffed at "What?" chant]'' If I - if you "What? me one more time ''[chant]'', that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? ''[pause]'' That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! ''[sighs]'' That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... ''[points away]'' GET OUT OF MY RING! ''[Ric is not moved]'' What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! ''[Ric softly asks, Why]'' Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say "Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!" No, you know who you are? You're "Charlotte's dad"! ''[sees Flair's emotions change; mocks]'' Oh don't do this, don't do this... ''[for emphasis]'' I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. ''[shrugs off Ric appealing to her]'' Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - ''[keeps distance]'' Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. ''[teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her]'' Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. ''[Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]'' === June 20 === :'''Dean Ambrose''': Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I ''don't'' remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. ''[A few boos and cheers from the crowd]'' I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion! :You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the ''wrong time.'' So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off ''big!'' :So Seth called himself "The Man," Roman called himself "The Guy." I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude? :'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' DUDE! :'''Dean''': Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on ''Monday Night Raw'', I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore! == 2017 == === March 6 === :'''Corey Graves''': I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved. === April 3 === :'''Roman Reigns''': This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly) === June 19=== :'''Big Cass''': ''(When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore)'' You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I had to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through. :''(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)'' :'''Big Cass''': And you can't teach ''that''. === October 23 === :'''Paul Heyman''': You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because ''someone'' has a problem with the word "undisputed." Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is ''the'' champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on ''SmackDown Live'' has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show ''Monday Night Raw'', Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed. :You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions. :You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to ''fight'' Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so. :But ''you?'' Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing ''my'' shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on ''SmackDown Live'', you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client ''Brock Lesnar!'' We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to ''SmackDown Live'' when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up. :And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of ''Monday Night Raw'', marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of ''Raw'' over ''SmackDown'' in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City. == 2018 == === October 22 === :'''Roman Reigns''': I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship. :And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me. :But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much. :'''Audience''': ''[chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!'' :'''Roman''': Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health. :But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. ''[The audience cheers]'' Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that. <hr width=50%> :'''Paul Heyman''': Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it. :You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion. :So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman, and only one can say, "I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of ''being'' the champion," and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, "I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is ''Brock Lesnar!''" :So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't ''bill'' himself as a beast. He's not a man, he ''is'' a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar! == 2019 == === January 29 === :'''Becky Lynch''': Look at this. The Man is back on ''Raw''. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this "baddest woman on the planet," but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...''[points down to the left]'' there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not. :'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' BECKY! :'''Becky''': And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you. :'''Michael Cole''': Oh yeah! :'''Audience''': ''[chanting]'' YES! :'''Becky''': And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world. :'''Audience''': ''[chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic]'' KICK HER ASS! :'''Ronda Rousey''': I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed. :And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, "Nia Jax." In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to. :You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade. :You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania! :'''Michael''': Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?! :'''Corey Graves''': Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania === February 25 === :'''Batista''': ''[drags Ric Flair out of his locker room]'' Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? ''[takes off sunglasses]'' HUH!? === April 8 === :'''Sami Zayn''': You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. ''[Sarcastic laugh]'' It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness! :Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. ''[Mocking laugh]'' You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious. :You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the ''[mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar!'' No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and ''[fake heroic] save WWE'', and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell. === May 27 === :'''Seth Rollins''': Let me explain something to you. See this right here? ''[Points to the WWE Universal Championship]'' This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now. :Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? ''[Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase]'' There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! :'''Paul Heyman''': ''[referring to the Money in the Bank contract]'' [[w:John Cone|Mr. Cone]], page 8, paragraph 27, section B: "the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion"—that's Brock Lesnar—"picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar..." :''[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]'' :'''Brock''': I got a year? :'''Paul''': Yeah! :'''Brock''': To cash in. :'''Paul''': A year! ''[Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract]'' Didn't you know?! :'''Brock''': No, I didn't know! :'''Paul''': How could you not know?! You have to make a decision! :'''Brock''': ''[to Seth]'' I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you. == 2020 == === May 11 === :'''Becky Lynch''': Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that. :But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. ''[She starts to tear up]'' And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that. :Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile. :''[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]'' :'''Becky''': ''[on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring]'' It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. ''[She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship]'' The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion. :'''Asuka''': I'm the champion? :'''Becky''': You're the champion. :'''Asuka''': I'm the champion! :''[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]'' :'''Becky''': You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother. :'''Asuka''': ''[genuinely surprised]'' "Be a mother"? You're gonna be a mother? ''[She hugs Becky]'' Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you. == 2022 == === January 3 === :'''Brock Lesnar''': Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to ''Monday Night Raw'', tuned in to the ''new'' WWE Heavyweight Champion, the ''real'' champion, ''BROCK LESNAR!!!'' Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me. :''[turns to Paul Heyman]'' I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you. :'''Paul Heyman''': If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way. :And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as ''your'' WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we. :First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that [[w:Becky Lynch|his wife]] is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to ''SmackDown'' 'cause I understand there's a certain "tribal chief" who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays. :Oh, don't go "ooh!" It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy! :Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's ''not'' talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe. :There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... ''[off a fan's cheer]'' yeah, he deserves your applause. ''That'' is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!! === April 4 === :'''Cody Rhodes''': So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was... :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' YOU DESERVE IT! :'''Cody''': If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, [[Jean de La Fontaine|"a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it."]] So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will. :''[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants "DUSTY!"]'' :'''Cody''': Right there is my father, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, "I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan." And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt. :So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I ''needed'' to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, "nobody can take it away from you now." And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare. :'''Crowd''': ''[chant]'' YOU CAN DO IT! :'''Cody''': With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes. <hr width=50%> :'''Roman Reigns''': Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success. :'''Paul Heyman''': The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of ''SmackDown!'', the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! ''[The crowd starts answering]'' Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? ''[with the crowd]'' Roman Reigns! :Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns. :'''Roman''': Wise Man always has this saying, it's, "what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE." And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming ''easy.'' And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him! :But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on ''SmackDown'', we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me! ==External links== {{wikipedia|WWE Raw}} [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:USA shows]] [[Category:WWE]] [[Category:American sports TV shows]] [[Category:Paramount Network shows]] q3j6kc4d2vlv6znc8ylyhsr73vzutsf 0 131574 3155716 3147524 2022-08-18T01:28:25Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hell on Wheels (TV series)|Hell On Wheels]]''''' (2011–2016) is a television series, airing on the AMC cable channel about a former Civil War Confederate soldier, who works as a foreman on the railroad, as he tries to track down the Union soldiers who murdered his wife. {{tv-stub}} == Season 1 == === ''Pilot'' [1.01] === :'''Thomas 'Doc' Durant''': Blood will be spilled. Lives will be lost. Fortunes will be made. Men will be ruined. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cullen Bohannon''': Tell me about Meridian, Mississippi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sean McGinnes''': Do you not believe in a higher power? :'''Cullen''': Yes, sir. I wear it on my hip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daniel Johnson''': You released your slaves and still fought in the war. Why? :'''Cullen''': Honor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cullen''': You've got to let go of the past. :'''Elam Ferguson''': Have ''you'' let it go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Durant''': Is it a villain you want? I'll play the part. After all, what is a drama without a villain? What is the building of this grand road if not a drama? This business is not for the weak of heart. It is a thorny, brutal affair that rewards the lion for his ferocity. But what of the zebra? What of the poor zebra? Well, the zebra's eaten, as the zebra should be. Make no mistake, blood will be spilled, lives will be lost, fortunes will be made, men will be ruined. There will be betrayal and scandals, and perfidy of epic proportions, but the lion - shall - prevail! You see, the secret I know is this. All of history is driven by the lion. We drag the poor zebra, kicking and braying, staining the earth with its cheap blood. History doesn't remember us fondly, but then history is written by the zebra for the zebra. One hundred years hence, when this railroad spans the continent, and America rises to be the greatest power the world has seen, I will be remembered as a caitiff, a malefactor, who only operated out of greed for personal gain. All true, all true, but remember this: without me and men like me, your glorious railroad would never be built. == External links == {{wikipedia|Hell on Wheels (TV series)}} * {{imdb title|2037275|Pilot}} * [http://www.amctv.com/shows/hell-on-wheels/ Hell On Wheels, AMC.] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:2010s American LGBT-related drama TV shows]] [[Category:AMC shows]] 2q4o0flpgapp2j3ugf3vslzm0h8o6e0 0 131577 3155594 3121448 2022-08-17T14:52:07Z Ferien 3078302 improve external linsk wikitext text/x-wiki {{comics-cleanup|2011-12-01}} [[File:Kuroshitsuji.svg|thumb|Logo]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Black Butler|Black Butler]]''''' is a [[w:manga|manga]] written and illustrated by [[w:Yana Toboso|Yana Toboso]]. Since its debut on September 16, 2006, it has been serialized in [[w:Square Enix|Square Enix]]'s [[w:shōnen manga|''shōnen'' manga]] magazine ''[[w:Monthly GFantasy|Monthly GFantasy]]''. The Anime (3 Seasons, Several OVAs) was english Dubbed by FUNimation Entertainment. ==English Cast== ==Season one== =S1 E1 His Butler, Able= '''Sebastian:''' Think carefully. Should you reject the faith, even as once the gates of paradise will forever be out of your reach. '''Ciel:''' Do you think, one who was among the faithful, would ever go so far to summon someone like you? '''Sebastian:''' *evil chuckle* I'll ask but once more. Do you wish to form a contract with me? '''Ciel:''' I do. Now stop asking these tedious questions, and let me know if we have a deal. Theme song plays (setting changes to Ciel's mansion) '''Sebastian:''' Master, it is time for you to wake up. For breakfast today, we have a lightly poached salmon accompanied by a delicate mint salad. I can also offer toast, scones, or pan decompania. Which dish would you care for this morning? '''Ciel:''' A scone. '''Sebastian:''' Today, you have a meeting with Mr. Hughes, the authority on the history of the Roman Empire. And this evening, Mr. Domiano of the Poseidon company will be paying you a visit. '''Ciel:''' Oh. Is that the man I have in charge of the stuffed animals in my factory in India? '''Sebastian:''' Yes. I'm told he's Italian. We will of course, offer him all the hospitality the estate can provide. '''Ciel:''' I know this smell. Is this tea Earl Grey? '''Sebastian:''' Yes. From Jackson's of Pickinilly. I shall wait for you at dining table, Master. ''Ciel throws dart at Sebastian, and he catches it with his index and middle finger'' '''Sebastian:''' Well throw, my Lord. Even so, let's save the games for later. '''Ciel:''' Yes. I suppose your right Sebastian. '''Ciel''' (''narrating''): My butler is an able man. ''Ciel throws dart at Finny'' '''Finny:''' Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oooowww! What was that for Master? What did I do? '''Ciel:''' Nothing. I don't need to justify my actions. '''Finny:''' *gasp* '''Sebastian:''' There you are. ''to Finny'' Have you finished weeding the courtyard, Finny? '''Finny:''' Uh.. '''Sebastian:''' Mey Rin, have you washed all the bedding? '''Mey Rin:''' Oh. Um...Well... '''Sebastian:''' Bardroy, should you be preparing for tonight's dinner? '''Bardroy:''' Heh.. '''Sebastian:''' Tanaka... well I suppose you're alright as you are. '''Tanaka:''' He He He '''Sebastian:''' Now all of you, we have no time for thumb twiddling this morning. '''''SO GET TO WORK!!''''' ''the three servants run out of the room'' '''Sebastian:''' Simply hopeless. ''Ciel walks up stairs. He stops and looks at the picture of his mother and father'' '''Sebastian:''' The silver is polished with spotless shine. The table cloth is crisp, clean and wrinkle free. There is not a single bruised blossom among Master's favorite white roses. And finally, the highest quality ingredients have been gathered to prepare a first rate dinner. The table is perfection. This will be an elegant Phantomhive welcome. ''study bell rings'' '''Sebastian:''' Still so much to do, and he calls me now. '''Bardroy:''' A guest is coming. Alright, then this is our chance. Sebastian looks down on us all the time. Today will be so perfect he won't even know hit him. ''makes surprised face'' Yeah, that's what he's gonna say! ''Mey Rin and Finny make the surprised face'' '''Bardroy:''' That's for him to say, not you '''Mey Rin:''' Ooh, that's a good idea! '''Finny:''' Right! We have to stop relying on Sebastian for everything. '''Bardroy:''' It's settled then. We got a plan of attack. '''Mey Rin, Bardroy, and Finny:''' Lets get to it! '''Tanaka:''' He He He '''Ciel:''' I'm a bit hungry. I'd like something sweet to eat. '''Sebastian:''' You shouldn't eat now, Master. You don't want to spoil your appetite for dinner with your guest this evening. '''Ciel:''' I don't care about that. Make me a parfait. '''Sebastian:''' I am sorry, Sir. '''Ciel:''' Fine then. About the portrait in the hallway. '''Sebastian:''' Yes? '''Ciel:''' Take it down. '''Sebastian:''' (''He gasp'') '''Ciel:''' I am Ciel Phantomhive. Son of Vincent. And I am head of the house now. '''Sebastian:''' Consider it done, my Lord. '''Sebastian:''' Now. How exactly (''points at a dead garden'') did this (''points at the broken dishes'') happen (''points at a burned kitchen'')? '''Finny:''' I thought things would go faster if I used extra strength weed killer on the garden. '''Mey Rin:''' I was trying to reach the tea set we use for guests, but I tripped and the cabinet fell. '''Bardroy:''' There was a lot of meat to be cooked for dinner, and it was going to take a long time, so uh I used my flamethrower. '''Mey Rin and Finny:''' OH WE'RE SO SORRY WE DIDN'T MEAN TO!! '''Sebastian''' (''thinks''): Our guest will arrive just after six. (''looks at pocket watch'') At most we have two hours left. Not enough time to replace the tea set, or find premium meats. What should I do? (''says'') Calm down, all of you. Perhaps you should try taking a page out of Tanaka's book and start behaving like.. (''looks at Tanaka'') Everyone, listen closely and do exactly as I say. Understand? We must be quick about this. *picks up Tanaka's tea cup* We might save this night yet. *wagon pulls in* '''Damiano:''' *gasp* How impressive. *shows Japanese style garden* '''Servants:''' Hello. Welcome, Sir. '''Sebastian:''' This is called a stone garden. It is a traditional feature in Japan. '''Damiano:''' Ah, pradiloso! Wonderful! Truly an elegant garden! '''Sebastian:''' We thought it appropriate to serve dinner alfresco this evening. Allow me to escort you inside, until the meal is ready. Damiano: Hahaha. I should-a expected this from a Phantomhive. I cannot wait to see what else is in store. *door closes* Bardroy: *wipes forehead* Whoo, we actually did it. Finny: Who woulda thought a dozen bags of gravel could turn into an amazing garden? Sebastian: Naturally, we were able to handle this. We serve the Phantomhive family after all. There is still work to be done. Let's take care of it while the Master is talking business with his guest. Look sharp now. Mey Rin, Bardroy and Finny: Right! Damiano: The progress we've been making with the East India factory is quite astonishing. We already have the making of a top notch staff. Ciel: Bewitched by the eyes of the dead. What terrible luck. It appears I lose a turn, remember? Damiano: Hm. Right now is the perfect time. We should begin expanding the company and building a strong labor- Ciel: Go on, it's your turn. Damiano: Oh. Yes. I just-a spin this then. Ok there. Five spaces. Now, what I wanted to ask you. But, perhaps you could contribute another twelve-thousand pounds to support our expansion? I believe it would be quite a profitable venture for you my Lord. And I would consider it an honor to help expand the Funtom company- Ciel: Lose a leg in the Enchanted Forest. Damiano: Huh? Ciel: And it's your turn again. I lost a turn, remember? Damiano: Oh. I see. Right. I move six. Ciel: You don't. That's three. Damiano: What? But- Ciel: You lost a leg, if you recall. Now you only move half the number of spaces. Damiano: Oh my. Hahaha. This is a gruesome board game, isn't it? Is there no way for me to restore my leg then? Ciel: I'm afraid once something is truly lost Sir, that one could never get it back again. Damiano: *gasp* Ciel: Your body is burnt by raging flames. Daminao: *gasp* Sebastian: How's it going? Bardroy: I'm doing it like you said to. This really what you want? Sebastian: Yes. That looks excellent. Mey Rin: Sebastian! Found 'em! Hahaha! Whaa!! *Mey Rin trips, losing her grip on the boxes* *Sebastian catches all the boxes and Mey Rin* Sebastian: Oh, honestly. Mey Rin: *blush* Sebastian: How many times have I told you not to run inside the manor Mey Rin? Mey Rin: *backs away* Oh! I'm so sorry Sir! My glasses cracked and I can't see a thing! Sebastian: These are the last items we needed for dinner. Splendid work everyone. But now I believe you can leave the rest of it to me and relax for a bit. But I need you to do well, VERY WELL, during dinner tonight. Bardroy: He said it twice. Finny: Ooh, that's serious. Sebastian: Pardon the interruption, but dinner is served. Damiano: Oh. Dining out in the exquisite stone garden. Shall we go my Lord? Ciel: Very well. We'll finish the game later. Daminao: Oh. Is there any real need to finish it? It's-a obvious I'm-a going to lose. Ciel: I'm not in the habit of abandoning a game half-way through. Daminao: (mumbles) How childish. *Ciel looks at him* Damiano: I-I-I mean sometimes it takes a child's eyes to see what's really important. It's a true gift. Maybe that's what made the Phantomhive's dinations for most toy makers. It's certainly impresses me. Sebastian: On tonight's menu is a dish of finely sliced raw beef Danbury courtesy of our chef Bardroy. Damiano: A pile of raw beef. And this is dinner? Sebastian: Yes. But surely you have heard of it. This good Sir, is a traditional Japanese delicacy. A dish offered as a sign of gratitude to someone who has accomplished important work. That is the wonder of Dongpoi! Damiano: Oh Dongpoi! Sebastian: This is a token from our Master. To show his thanks for all your hard work on the company's behalf. He wanted you to know that its much appreciated. Finny (whispers): Now that's our Sebastian for you. Bardroy (whispers): He saved the day. Tanaka (whispers): Hohoho. Damiano: Excellent! What an inspired idea! The legendary Phantomhive hospitality in action. Sebastian: The vintage we are pouring tonight was specially selected to compliment the flavor of Soy Sauce. Mey Rin. Mey Rin: ... Sebastian: Now Mey Rin. Mey Rin: Oh. Yes Sir. Sebastian (whispers): *moves in, close to Mey Rin's ear* Why are you just standing there? Pour the man a glass of wine. Mey Rin: *blush* O-of course. Yes Sir. Bardroy (whispers): Ey. Finny (whispers): What? Bardroy (whispers): Is it just me, or is Mey Rin acting a little strange? Mey Rin: Sebastian's watching me. I can't take it. Don't look at me that way. *Mey Rin spills the wine on the table cloth.* Finny (whispers): Mey Rin, stop it! Can't you see your spilling the wine!? *Sebastian pulls the table cloth, not letting a single drop spill onto the ground* Damiano: Oh. Huh? Where did the table-a cloth go? Ciel: A speck of dirt. Most unsightly. I had the cloth removed so it wouldn't distract us. Think nothing of it. Sebastian: Please except my apology Sir. Do continue. Enjoy the meal at your leisure. Daminao: Oh. Oh my. Hahaha! Lord Phantomhive, once again you have truly impressed me. What an able butler you have acquired. Ciel: Pay him no mind. He merely acted as befits one of my servants. Sebastian: My Master is quite correct about that. Naturally, you see I am simply one hell of a butler. Damiano: That was a thoroughly enjoyable dinner, my Lord. Now then, about the contract. Ciel: Before we discuss that, we must finish the game. Damiano: Uh... yes of course. I do have a pressing appointment. Perhaps another ti- Ciel: Children can be very demanding about their games. Shirley you wouldn't want be to get upset. Damiano: No. No of course not. Perhaps you would permit me to use your telephone? *Sebastian bumps into Damiano as he steps out of the room* Sebastian: I've brought some tea for you and my Lord. Damiano: I'll be right back. *Ciel gives his tea an angry look* Ciel: What is this? It smells terribly weak. Sebastian: Out of our consideration for our guest, I brought some Italian tea. Ciel: Italian? Sebastian: Italians drink more coffee than tea, Sir. So finding high quality Italian tea can be difficult. This particular selection is not to your liking Master? Ciel: No. It is not. I don't like it at all. Sebastian: I'll see to the dessert preparations. Ciel: Good. We must show him every available hospitality. The Phantomhive family is known for its courtesy. Sebastian: Yes, my young Lord. Daminao: I'm-a tired of babysitting this child Earl. Yes. I already sold off the factory. Now all thats left is to pocket the extra cash. I'm trying to squeeze more out of the brat right now. Employees? Who cares about them. *le gasp* Ah, never mind. The rest of the formalities are for you to deal with. No. It'll be easy. Please, he's only a child. *As Damiano walks up the stairs, he stops and looks at the picture of Ciel's mother and Father. He sees a freaky ghost thing that scares him on Vincent's face (Vincent is Ciel's dad.) The ghost thing looks at him, and he wipes the sweat off his face. He looks at the picture again, and the ghost thing is not there.* Damiano: Impossible. I'm-a seeing things. *Ciel's voice echo's in his mind saying, Bewitched by the eyes of the dead.* Damiano: *le gasp* No. That's ridiculous. *Damiano searches through the mansion trying to find the room where he was before* Damiano: Oh. Not here either. Or here. This manor is like a giant maze. I can't even find the drawing room. *Ciel's voice echoes once again. Bewitched by the eyes of the dead.* *Damiano hears a floorboard creak. He sees a ghostly figure walking towards him. He runs away as fast as he can.* Damiano: S-stay away from me! Finny: That's odd. Was that our guest I heard just now? Bardroy: Ey! We need to move this! Or Sebastian will start yelling again! Finny: Right! Mey Rin: Oooh! How embarrassing! I really messed up this time! Oh, at least I was able to get close to Sebastian. Oh, what a shameful day throe! What kind of lecherous maid am I!? *Damiano is running as fast as he can when he hears Ciel's voice echo once again saying, You lose one turn. He falls and injured his right leg.* Mey Rin: Oh! Sir! Are you alright!? *gasp* His right leg. It's twisted round! What happened to it!? Bardroy: Hey! What's wrong? Mey Rin: Our guest! Somethings happened! *Damiano sees the ghostly figure once again, and he hears Ciel's voice say, And now you lose one leg in the enchanted forest.* Damiano: *gasp* *He crawls away.* Mey Rin: Sir? Um, Sir? Come back? *As he is crawling he bumps into Sebastian* Sebastian: Shirley you aren't leaving the manor yet, Sir? Damiano: Ah! Sebastian: We haven't given you the full Phantomhive treatment yet. We still have to serve dessert. *Damiano crawls away from Sebastian* Sebastian: You've lost a leg, remember? Now you can only move half the number of spaces. So why not just relax a bit and make yourself at home? *Damiano hides in a room and closes the door* Damiano: Damn. It's too dark. *He hears Sebastian's footsteps* Damiano: Is this a cupboard? *He crawls inside. Sebastian comes through the door.* Damiano: Damn. These are really tight quarters. *squish* What's this? *sniff* Smells like sugar. Sebastian: What an impatient guest we have. You couldn't even restrain yourself until dessert was out of the oven. Damiano: The-the oven!? Open up! Please, open-a the door! Sebastian: Hm. Italian's aren't familiar with our customs. There is plum pudding. Mince meat pie. There are many traditional desserts in England that make use of meat. I find them all quite tasty. *Ciel's voice echoes again saying, Your body is burnt by raging flames.* Damiano: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Bardroy: What was that? Someone screamed. Finny: Don't know. Oh. Hi Sebastian. Sebastian: Thank you for your hard work today. As a reward, how would you like some Lemon Meringue Pie? The sugar will give you energy. Finny and Bardroy: Huh? God bless you Sebastian! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Sebastian: Oh, yes. And Bard. A workman will be coming by in the morning. When he arrives, kindly let him know that we need our oven thoroughly cleaned. Bardroy: Huh? The oven? Sebastian: Mr. Damiano. I hope you enjoyed your stay. And the Phantomhive family's hospitality. All the way down to your bones. Damiano: MAMA MIA!!!!! Ciel: *evil chuckle* What an unattractive scream. He sounds almost like a pig taken off to slaughter. Hm. What presumption. First, he sells the East Indian factory without telling me. And then he dares to ask for more money. Did he think to retain my trust...I'm afraid once something is truly lost, one can never get it back again. Sebastian: It would appear we'll be needing to hang new wallpaper as well. *mirage of young Ciel and his family appear* Young Ciel: *laughter* Mama. Papa. *mirage disappears as Sebastian snaps his fingers* Sebastian: The new head of the Phantomhive Estate. Huh. ==S1 E2 His Butler, Strongest [1.2]== :'''Baldroy''': Bloody hell, this wire is done for :'''Mey-Rin''': Oh. Not the rats again :'''Baldroy''': This is getting ridiculous. I mean I heard they'd been plagued in London lately but I never expected them to be such a problem this far out the city :'''Rat''': [Squeaks] :'''All''': Scream. :Finnian grabs statue and swings* :'''Finnian''': Now I've got you. :'''All''': Scream<br/> :'''Finnian''': Looks like it got away :'''Baldroy''': What are you laughing for? Are you trying to kill us too you idiot :'''Finnian''': Looks there's another one. :'''Baldroy''': That's it. :'''Arthur Randall''': Quite the commotion going on out there. It seems you are experiencing a rat problem as well. :'''Man 2: Speaking of which how long will you let the vermin run wild? Filthy monsters. Someone really ought to take care of them. Don't you think? :'''Lau:''' And someone will. He's just waiting for the opportune moment :'''Madam Red: Indeed. He prefers to settle things with one blow. Will you pass on this turn too? :'''Ciel''': I'll pass. It's my policy not to shoot if I know that I'll miss. :'''Arthur Randall''': That's all very well but when will you handle the problem? :'''Ciel''': Any time you like. The rats will soon come looking for their forbidden cheese and I hold the key to the store house...Even so locating the nest and eliminating the vermin promises to be a tedious task. You should concentrate on preparing me a suitable reward :'''Arthur Randall''': You're a vulture. :'''Ciel''': Sir Randall! I'd be careful how you smear my family name. :'''Azzurro Vanel: Ha! You're in trouble now Randall. What next Lord Phantomhive? :'''Ciel''': It's time to put an end to this worthless game. Don't you think?...how soon can you secure the payment? :''Arthur''': Tonight. I'll have it by then. :'''Ciel''': Then I'll send a carriage for you later. When can even prepare some light entertainment for you. Does that sound good? :'''Man 2''': You pass your turn twice and now you are after them all in one go? :'''Ciel: Naturally<br/> :'''Arthur: Careful you're greed will undo you<br/> :'''Ciel: Am I undone? == External links == {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1316554}} [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] ts569vqbesq1mgvpibmprur5arciyua 0 133180 3155689 3154204 2022-08-18T00:16:41Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 a -> an wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Total Drama Island|1: ''Island'']] [[Total Drama Action|2: ''Action'']] [[Total Drama World Tour|3: ''World Tour'']] [[Total Drama: Revenge of the Island|4: ''Revenge of the Island'']] [[Total Drama All-Stars and Pahkitew Island|5: ''All-Stars and Pahkitew Island'']] | [[Total Drama|Main]] | '''Spin-offs:''' ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race|The Ridonculous Race]]'' / ''[[Total DramaRama|DramaRama]]'' ---- '''''[[w:Total Drama World Tour|Total Drama World Tour]]''''' is the third season of Total Drama. == Episodes == === ''Walk Like an Egyptian: Part 1'' [3.01] === :''[Chris introduces two new contestants Alejandro and Sierra]'' :'''Chris''': And now to mix things up and keep it all fresh, we're adding two new competitors! He's an honor-roll student with a diplomat for a dad and an amazing ability to charm the pants off most species. Alejandro! ''[Spanish music plays as Alejandro steps out of the bus and removes his sunglasses]'' :'''Alejandro''': Perhaps ''I'' could assist. ''[helps Bridgette and Izzy up]'' :'''Izzy''': '' Wow-ie! :'''Bridgette''': I-I have a boyfriend! :'''Alejandro''': And amigos, please, allow me. ''[offers to help up Tyler and Ezekiel]'' :'''Ezekiel''': Wow, eh. :'''Tyler''': I like girls! :'''Chris''': And she's a sugar addicted super fan with sixteen Total Drama blogs! Sierra! ''[Sierra comes running out of the bus]'' :'''Sierra''': Oh my gosh, I love you guys! This is the greatest day of my life! ''[starts hyperventilating]'' Anyone got a paper bag I can breathe into? Oh my gosh, Cody! I've always dreamt of this moment, only you weren't wearing a shirt. {{line}} :'''Chris''': If you don't receive a barf bag full of airline-issue peanuts... :'''Ezekiel''': I got a peanut allergy, yo... or more like a sensitivity. :'''Chris''': ...you'll be forced to take the Drop of Shame. :'''Ezekiel''': Okay, I just don't like-- :'''Chris''': Kinda like this! ''[he throws him out of the plane to the point when he was declared eliminated]'' :'''Ezekiel''': HEY!!! ''[laughs]'' Good one, eh! Now, slow down and let my bling back in! :'''Chris''': All eliminations are final, bro! {{line}} :''[The musical bell chimes and Chris appears wearing a tuxedo]'' :'''Chris''': Whenever you hear that friendly little bell, it's musical number time! So, let's hear it. :'''Courtney''': But, what are we supposed to sing? :'''Chris''': You have to make them up as you go. Wouldn't be challenging otherwise, now, would it. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Man, that's satisfying! All right, Pyramid Over-Under means you choose how you'll get to the finish line. Either over or under the pyramid. Got it? Ready, set... :'''Ezekiel''': Wait up, yo! You guys, wait up! I told you I wasn't gonna lose this time, eh! :'''Chris''': Didn't we leave you in like, Halifax or Whitehorse or whatever? :'''Ezekiel''': It's called landing gear, homie. I climbed it and hid with the cargo. :'''Chris''': Impressive. But you're still out. :'''Ezekiel''': No way! I'm in it to win it! Word! :'''Chris''': Hey, it's your funeral. Set... go! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': I'm a fourth-generation basket-weaver hinting that my parents, my grandparents, and my great-grandparents are also basket-weavers. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Oh Kids! ''[The musical bell chimes]'' Recognize that sound? Time for whoever's not finished yet to give us a little musical reprise! :'''Duncan''': You said one song per episode! :'''Chris''': Yeah! And this is a reprise, not a new song. So, if you don't sing, you're out! So, let's hear it! :'''Duncan''': ''[angrily]'' You know what? No. ''[climbs down with Courtney and Gwen in tow]'' '''NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THREE HOURS OF THESE TWO SQUAWKING ON THIS STUPID PYRAMID IN THIS STUPID HEAT, AND YOU WANT ME TO SING?! FORGET IT!''' :'''Chris''': Dude, you have a contract. :'''Duncan''': '''EAT IT, MCLEAN!''' ''[Gets out his knife and cuts the rope]'' If you need me, I'll be in the plane waiting for a ride home, 'cause I'm out. Done. ''' I QUIT!''' ''[he angrily returns to the plane]'' :''[Courtney and Gwen gasps]'' :'''Cody''': Hi. Looks like we're teammates. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Okay, teams, talk amongst yourselves and determine a team name, you have three minutes, while I enjoy this ice cream cone. :'''Bridgette, DJ, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna and Lindsay''': Team Victory! ''[a trophy cup appears]'' :'''Courtney, Gwen, Heather and Izzy''': Team Amazon! :''[Courtney's leg hits Cody in the groin, the pink logo appears]'' :''[Alejandro, Noah, Owen, Sierra and Tyler have difficulties naming their team]'' :'''Sierra''': Got it, Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot. :'''Alejandro, Noah, Owen and Tyler''': What? :''[a blue logo with Chris smiling appears.]'' :'''Chris''': All right, best team name ever, and here are your rewards, Team Amazon, you win a camel. ''[a camel appears with the goat. The Amazons, except Izzy is not happy with the reward, Izzy gasps and claps]'' Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Really Hot... :'''Alejandro''': I think there were only four reallys. :'''Chris''': You win a goat. ''[a goat knocks Tyler]'' And Team Victory, ''[holds a stick]'' here you go. :'''LeShawna''': So the guys who come in last get a camel and we get a stick? === ''Walk Like an Egyptian: Part 2'' [3.02] === :''[Duncan is sitting in the winner's lounge humming in "Come Fly With Us"]'' :'''Chris''': ''[after bursting in suddenly]'' Were you just-? :'''Duncan''': No. :'''Chris''': Because it sounded like you were... :'''Duncan''': But I wasn't, and I never will! :''[Chris points at his own eyes with two fingers, then points at Duncan, before walking away]'' {{line}} :'''Sierra''': Duncan and Courtney fans will be devastated, but I think you and Owen have a shot at becoming fav Total Drama Couple on my fan site. :'''Izzy''': Owen's magic. When he breathes, his nose whistles the national anthem! ''[Owen’s nose does just that]'' :'''Sierra''': Super cute! But he's no Cody. Did you know that Cody slept with a stuffed Emu named Jerry until he was... well okay, he still does. :'''Noah''': And you know this how? :'''Sierra''': I called his aunt once. I pretended I was a telemarketer! :'''Noah''': Ooooh. Stalker-licious. {{line}} :'''Leshawna''': We won last time! But they get a camel, they get a goat, and we get a stick?! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': ''[confessional]'' Look, I'm the number one Total Drama super fan. It says so right in my blog. But Alejandro? He's never even been on TV before. I've never seen him in QT Monthly. I do not know what these girls see in him. They're loco. :'''Bridgette''': ''[confessional]'' Geoff. Okay, I know maybe it looks bad, but I want you to know that I was not swooning over Alejandro. It was just the heat. I just wanna run my fingers through your thick, dark... blond! Blond hair! {{line}} :''[after DJ whacked a bird with the stick]'' :'''DJ''': ''[in confessional]'' First, I accidentally destroyed a mummified dog, and now I insult a bird? Man, I love animals! This wouldn't happen back home. {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Sierra! Owen! Up! Up! :''[the goat has to carry everyone from Team Chris, it zooms out to Noah and Tyler are sitting on the goat, with Sierra on Noah's shoulders and Owen on top of Tyler's]'' :'''Owen''': ''[while sitting on Tyler's shoulders]'' This is so cool, Ale-handout, or Ale-kazam, or I'm just gonna call you Al, okay? Whoo! Go Al! :''[Alejandro ignores him as he does not respond]'' :'''Noah''': Yeah, this is gonna work. :'''Alejandro''': Have faith, Noah. Believe, in us. ''[jumps on top of Sierra and Owen]'' :'''Tyler''': ''[happily]'' Whoa! We're perfectly balanced! :'''Noah''': Okay, color me impress. :'''Alejandro''': ''[in cockpit confessional]'' It's basic weight distribution. Anyone with a degree in engineering or an IQ of 163 or higher could figure it out. ''[to Chef Hatchet]'' By the way, you're doing a magnificent job flying this plane. :'''Chef''': Who, me? Nah. :'''Alejandro''': Now, now. Don't blush, it's true. {{line}} :''[During the attack of the scarab beetles, the musical bell chimed]'' :'''Chris''': Ooh. Time for a song! Think of it as a mini challenge. Music can soothe the mate-seeking scarabs. So, make up a good song and maybe they won't kill you. Or don't and get disqualified like Duncan. :'''Izzy''': Yay! :'''All''': Aww! {{line}} :'''Ezekiel''': Yo. We're so far behind, we can't even see the others anymore, eh. :'''Bridgette''': Didn't we pass that cactus like ten minutes ago? :'''Lindsay''': Oh Yeah! Hey, pointy! :'''LeShawna''': We've been running in circles! {{line}} :'''Chris''': Welcome to the third challenge! :'''Owen''': What?! Speak up! ''[Chris says gibberish on the other side of the river]'' Uh, did you guys get any of that? :'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' I said, welcome to the third and final Egyptian challenge, basket cases! :'''Owen''': Ah! :'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Each team must weave a basket of river reeds. Your basket has to be big enough to hold your whole team, including your reward from the last challenge. A.K.A. Goatface over there. :'''Tyler''': Hey! :'''Alejandro''': I believe he meant the goat. :'''Tyler''': Oh. Cool. Heh. Thanks. :'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Then you're gonna use the baskets to get away with those oars to row yourselves across the finish line. First team across flies first class to our next destination! :'''Sierra''': This is perfect! :'''Noah''': What the fact that were hosed? :'''Sierra''': ''[turns around and holds Noah's shoulders]'' I'm a fourth generation basket weaver! :'''Owen''': ''[while feeding the goat]'' Yeah! :'''Sierra''': We're gonna need a lot of weeds. ''[runs off and picks up weeds]'' {{line}} :'''Leshawna''': Lost in Egypt. Ain't that a kick in the pants? :'''Harold''': From first place to last. Gosh! ''[gasps]'' It's a divining rod! :'''Lindsay''': I don't wanna be struck by lightning! :'''Leshawna''': A divining rod helps you find water. :'''DJ''': Chris said each reward had its advantages. That stick can lead us straight to the Nile! :''[Lindsay and Leshawna cheer]'' :'''Bridgette''': That is so awesome! {{line}} :''[Sierra and Izzy decided to swap teams in order to be with their love interests]'' :'''Sierra''': Sorry you guys are so far behind. Our baskets nearly done already thanks to my speed weaving. :'''Izzy''': Plus you've got Owen on your team, lucky! :'''Sierra''': But you have Cody! ''[to Cody]'' I know, Cody. I wish we were on the same team too! :'''Cody''': I have to... do something. ''[runs away]'' :'''Izzy''': Aww, you guys are so cute together. :'''Sierra''': Maybe we could swap teams! :'''Heather''': Trade a basket case for a basket weaver? Fine. Sierra, you're with us. Izzy, go play with the boys. :'''Alejandro''': What?! :''[whirling noises]'' :'''Courtney''': Wow. She's amazing. :'''Heather''': Maybe you should think about listening to me a bit more this time around, hm? :''[Courtney and Gwen laugh]'' :'''Gwen''': It'll take a lot more than this to earn our trust. A lot a lot more. :'''Alejandro''': Where's Chris?! He won't allow this... :'''Chris''': Excuse me, did somebody- :'''Sierra''': Today is officially the best day of my life. So I really hope you allow us to swap. But, of course, you'll make the best decision because you're the best decider ever. :'''Chris''': And that's why I'm going to allow it. :'''Sierra''': Smiley face! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Izzy, tell Ruby to get into the boat. :'''Izzy''': Ry- :'''Noah''': ''[stops Izzy from helping Team Amazon]'' Whoa! Whoa! Izzy is on our team now, not yours. Not a word! :'''Izzy''': Oh! Fun! :'''Courtney''': Fine, we'll do it ourselves, come on! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': I called Cody's aunt and posed as a telemarketer to get me to expose secrets about him. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Clearly! This part of the challenge isn't hard enough, so... ''[the musical bell chimed]'' It's time for a musical reprise! :'''All''': Aww! :'''Chris''': Hey! If you finished the song the first time, you wouldn't be here now, Zeke! ''[Ezekiel makes a nervous and embarrassed look on his face]'' Start singing! And put your backs into it! {{line}} :''[Ezekiel got eliminated because he cost his team the challenge by accidentally letting an alligator eat the stick their team was supposed to hold on to.]'' :'''Chris''': You've got five seconds to strap this on, or the Drop of Shame will become the Drop of Pain! ''[gives a parachute to Ezekiel]'' :'''Ezekiel''': Yo! That's unbelievable! Some team! You guys are all a bunch of...''[gets kicked out of the plane by Chef, screaming]'' :'''Chris''': I knew that would be satisfying! :'''Ezekiel''': ''[his last final words, while holding on to the plane's wings]'' I'm not going anywhere, this game is mine, eh. MIIIIIINE! :'''Duncan''': ''[after Ezekiel got kicked out of the plane]'' Sucks to be Zeek! :'''Chris''': Last stop for non-competitors! ''[gives Duncan a parachute]'' :'''Duncan''': Yeah, right! You're supposed to give me a ride home. :'''Chris''': Yeah! But, we're going the other way so... ''[Pushes Duncan out of the plane]'' See ya! :'''Duncan''': Whoa! :'''Chris''': Happy landing! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Duncan's first Drop of Shame after quitting the game]'' :'''Duncan''': Stupid old Chris and his stupid old—! ''[grunts]'' He's so dead when I see him next! Downside of quitting, no more million and no more lady action! On the upside, I'm off that armpit of show, and I've got my dignity intact! ''[he open his parachute and gets stuck in a tree as scarabs surround him]'' === ''Super Crazy Happy Fun Time Japan'' [3.03] === :'''Alejandro''': ''[after rescuing Leshawna from being sucked out of the plane]'' Such beauty will not fall through giant airplane holes on my watch! :''[Owen's seatbelt rips off and he gets fling to the hole.]'' :'''Harold''': I could have done that. I just prefer to leave the ladies wanting more. :'''DJ''': She wants more, all right. More Alejandro! :'''Harold''': DJ, you know nothing about women. :'''Leshawna''': You can put me down now. I mean, if you want to. Or not. Your choice, because this is nice. :'''Harold''': I went to Sensei Steve's Feudal Japanese Summer Camp! :'''Alejandro''': Oh yeah? I speak Japanese too. Leshawna, hana no you ni kirei. :'''Leshawna''': Howzat? :'''Alejandro''': I said "You are as beautiful as a flower". {{line}} :''[Chef sliced the door and the contestants got blown out of the plane]'' :'''Chris''': Or we could've just landed the plane! :'''Chef''': Nah! Too bored! :'''All''': ''[Screaming]''. :''[Suddenly, the musical bell chimed.]'' :'''Noah''': Seriously?! I mean, seriously?! {{line}} :'''Noah''': I'm...Uh. I'm allergic to panda dander! I get hives! :'''Tyler''': ''[points to Noah]'' What he said! :'''Alejandro''': I'll do it for my team! :'''Chris''': Wicked! Incoming! ''[tosses Ting Ting the Panda]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': Gwen's face could use some remodeling! :'''Gwen''': Nice! I hate to tell you, but, we're on the same team, so, you might wanna flip the wick switch back to off! :'''Courtney''': Would you girls like some leadership? I would be glad to choose... :'''Cody''': Stop bickering! I'll do it! :'''Chris''': You might wanna bring a toothbrush, Cody! Because, the beast you'll be sharing your space with is...Sierra! :''[Sierra squeals with excitement and tackles Cody]'' {{line}} :''[In the Confessional, Cody fishes a piece of Sierra’s gum out of his ear]'' :'''Cody''': Is this her gum?! '''EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!''' {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': I'm seeing a tiny Tokyo village...a giant radioactive monster... :'''Izzy''': Yes! ''[Hugs Owen]'' Big O can be the monster! Big O, please! :'''Owen''': Al, you're a genius! :'''Tyler''': Super Japanese idea, Al! Nice! :'''Alejandro''': Noah, what say you? :'''Noah''': ''[Shrugs]'' I guess. :'''Owen''': ''(playing a monster)'' Roar! Monster noises! {{line}} :''[The Amazons begin to come up in making their Japanese commercial but begin to argue]'' :'''Heather''': We have the tiny fish, swimming in the tank, then it jumps out and plays basketball! What don't you people get about that! :'''Gwen''': Too Dr. Seuss! Spinning Masks! We toss candy into their mouths :'''Courtney''':insane! Flashing lights, and fireworks! Chef wants to be dazzled! :'''Cody''': Girls, girls, they're all good ideas, and-- :'''Heather''': Overruled! Fish Tank! :'''Gwen''': Hello! The only way we're winning is with the spinning heads and lots of them! :'''Courtney''': ''[agitated]'' You people are impossible! I'm so out of here! ''[walks away]'' :'''Heather''': ''[angry]'' Well, so am I! ''[also walks off, fuming]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[irritated]'' FINE! ''[tosses the mask and lands on Cody's face and walks off as well]'' :'''Courtney''': Uh, we can't storm off ''together''! Kind of defeats the purpose. :'''Heather''': YOU go back that way then! :'''Courtney''': No, YOU go back that way! :'''Gwen''': Well I came this way first! :'''Cody''': We are in some deep trouble! {{line}} :''[Thanks to Cody and Sierra making the Japanese commercial themselves, Team Amazon wins, while Team Victory loses again.]'' :'''Chris''': Okay. Well, Chef. :'''Chef''': Chris! I think I gotta go with Team Amazon! ''[Team Amazon cheers]'' I don't know. I just love exploding donuts. :'''Gwen''': Cody! That was amazing! :'''Courtney''': Totally amazing! :'''Sierra''': Aww. Isn't he? Group hug! ''[hugs Cody, while Heather, Courtney and Gwen tries to join the hug]'' Back off! :'''Chris''': Congratulations, Team Amazon! But, Chef, I also have to know. Who bid the biggest? :'''Chef''': Uh. Those guys with that sad donkey thing! You lose! You're sending someone home tonight! :'''DJ''': I put a panda in intensive care and then, I choked and wrecked our ad and we lose again! :'''LeShawna''': Wait. It's not a reward?! :'''Chris''': Well. I'm sure enjoying it! {{line}} :''[DJ had the most votes. Following advice from Alejandro, Harold decided to quit just as DJ was about to be sent home in an effort to restore his team's honor after his commercial idea failed.]'' :'''Harold''': Wait! It was I who brought dishonor to our team. Only one thing can restore the balance ''[he stabs himself with a light up sword and he spoke in Japanese and struggles to get the light up sword off]'' LeShawna, I think I will miss you most of all. ''[he falls down from the plane]'' :'''LeShawna''': Harold, that’s a toy lightsaber. :''[Harold falls off the plane without a parachute. Then Chris tosses one]'' :'''Chris''': You might need this. Good luck, Harold. ''[Harold yells screaming]'' He's yelling something back at me. Oh no, he's just screaming for his life. {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Harold's Drop of Shame after quitting the game]'' :'''Harold''': This was really for the best. I was starting to get a little claustrophobic in the plane anyway. There's only so many cubic feet of air in the average airliner and so—''[grunts as he lands on a sumo wrestler]'' I will miss Leshawna and seeing the world and—gosh! What did this guy eat?! Gosh, was it? Was it? Total Drama Yum-Yum Happy Go Time Candy Fishtails?! === ''Anything Yukon Do, I Can Do Better'' [3.04] === :'''Bridgette''': I kind of have a boyfriend. :'''Alejandro''': You have a boyfriend or you, ehh, "kind of" have a boyfriend? :'''Bridgette''': I kind of... I have a kind of... a boyfriend... kind of. ''[In the confessional]'' I got flustered. But I am NOT falling for him! Mark my words. {{line}} :'''Izzy''': Oh, look, a speaker! Ours must play music! :'''Tyler''': Is that box radioactive? :'''Chris''': Eh, what ''isn't'' radioactive these days? :'''Izzy''': ''(Now glowing green from the radiation)'' I can't find the radio anywhere! I think someone stole it. {{line}} :'''Tyler''': If you see anyone, call out! :'''Izzy''': Ooh ooh ooh! There's Tyler! :'''Tyler''': OTHER than me! :''[Noah jumps on the sled]'' :'''Izzy''': Ooh, there's Noah! Noah! Someone stole our radio! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Well, looks like this is my ride, but, I can't leave you here all alone. :'''Bridgette''': Go on. I'll race you to the finish. :'''Alejandro''': I think we've got enough time for one more accident. :''[Bridgette and Alejandro begin to kiss but Alejandro slowly backs out when Bridgette kisses the pole and finds out her tongue is stuck to it, later the scene zooms out to Alejandro on his team's sled]'' :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' Huh? Mmm?! Oh, crap! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': [to Bridgette] My mom raised a gentleman. {{line}} :''[Chris finds Bridgette stuck to a pole]'' :'''Chris''': ''[pretending to be concerned]'' Oh, dear! How did this happen? :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' I was kissing Alejandro, and somehow, the pole got in the way. :'''Chris''': This all sounds very heartfelt. I bet it would be an amazing song! ''(the music bell rings)'' :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' What?! Noo! :'''Chris''': Whoa! Hello, backup singers. :'''Sierra, Gwen, Heather, and Courtney''': Aw... :'''Heather''': Crap! I thought you'd forgotten the music challenge this time! :'''Chris''': As if! It's my favorite part! {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[clapping]'' Very nice. :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' Uh, I mean it. Pour water... on my face. :'''Chris''': Amazons... be gone! :''[Team Amazon leaves and rides off]'' :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' Wait! Water. My face? :'''Chris''': Wish I could, but I only have the one bottle. Sorry. ''[drinks water out of the bottle]'' Ah! ''[Bridgette tries to get the bottle and drops water on her tongue realizing the water is all gone]'' Good luck! ''[he drives away]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': Last place? I can't believe I did all that work for nothing! :'''Chris''': Actually, Team Victory crossed the finish line without Bridgette, so they come in last. :''[Lindsay, Leshawna, and DJ groans]'' {{line}} :'''Chris''': Oh, DJ. Health hazard to pandas, birds and now, baby seals. Which you could've avoided if you haven't cried your eyes frozen shut and got your team lost. As if you were, I don't know, cursed. Bridgette. Reasons for you to take the plunge include, making out with a pole… Actually, that's it. Pole-kissing. {{line}} :''[Bridgette got eliminated because Alejandro tricked her into getting her tongue stuck to a pole, which cost her team the challenge.]'' :'''Chris''': Bridgette, any final words before taking the Drop of Shame? :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' Yes. Alejandro. He is evil. He's pretending to be- :'''Chris''': Oh, would you look at the time? ''[pushes Bridgette off the plane by giving her a parachute]'' :''[Bridgette tries to open parachute, but fails]'' :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' Alejandro! He's evil! Eeeevvvill! :'''Chris''': Hmm. Looks like the chute got tangled. Guess we should've removed the pole, huh? Did not see that coming. {{line}} :'''Tyler''': ''[Confessional]'' Well, I totally rocked it today. I saved everyone's lives with my bare fingers. Everyone's gonna know who Tyler is now! Mission accomplished! ''[Door opens]'' :'''Lindsay''': Oh, sorry, Noah. :'''Chris''': Will Noah ever make Lindsay remember him? :'''Tyler''': It's TYLER! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Bridgette lands in Russia after her Drop of Shame]'' :'''Bridgette''': ''[slurring]'' I can't believe I kissed that jerk! Ugh, Geoff will never forgive me! Ugh! Stupid, stupid pole! :'''Russian Chef''': Congrads, it took two years, 200 bakers, and 2,000 tons of icing, but Russia is finally home to the world's largest cake. :'''Bridgette''': ''[yells from the sky and lands on the cake after getting the pole off her tounge]'' Mmm! Chocolate! === ''Broadway Baby'' [3.05] === :'''Heather''': Stupid economy section! What is that horrible smell?! :'''Gwen''': Defeat? :'''Courtney''': I could of pulled the sled faster if someone wasn't whipping me! :'''Heather''': We both know that's not true. :'''Courtney''': Ugh! :'''Gwen''': First chance we get, I'll totally help you vote her off. :'''Courtney''': Gladly. Can we whip her off? :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' "Whip me off?" Ha! Not if I can prove my worth to the team. Or manipulate Sierra and Cody into slavishly obeying me. Whatever works! {{line}} :'''Noah''': Thanks for not noticing I was missing all night! What am I, Tyler? {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': I love it when people call me baby. :'''Noah''': ''[Nudges Tyler]'' Make a mental note of that, bro. :'''Tyler''': I don't have a pen. {{line}} :'''Sierra''': Back in the 80's, he was, Making trouble is easy to do, but, making you love me is painful! ''[Chris twitches his eye]'' :'''Gwen''': You were in Fametown? :'''DJ''': ''[Confessional, laughing]'' :'''Owen''': ''[Confessional, laughing]'' :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional, laughing]'' :'''Chef''': ''[Confessional, laughing]'' :'''All''': ''[laughing]'' {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Central Park is so romantic, don't you find? :'''Heather''': Whatever. I know you've been messing with Sierra's head, so back off or you'll wish you had. :'''Alejandro''': My wish doesn't involve backing off. :'''Heather''': Ugh! Just go play with your stupid team and leave us alone! :'''Alejandro''': You're beautiful when you play hard to get. ''[Heather growls]'' I'm going. :'''Heather''': You bet you are! Right out of the game! ''[she switches Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot's baby carriage that contains Noah in it with an actual baby carriage containing a real baby to sabotage them while Alejandro, Owen, and Izzy cheer]'' {{line}} :''[Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot gets first place when they make it to the heart of Central Park, but they find their baby carriage with a baby in it, courtesy of Heather]'' :'''Owen''': We're awesome! :'''Izzy''': First place! ''[a baby cries inside a carriage as she gasps]'' Noah regressed into a baby! :'''Owen''': ''[gasps]'' And he ate all my pretzels! :'''Tyler''': Wait! This isn't our carriage! :'''Chris''': No Noah means no first place. :'''Alejandro''': We have to go back! :'''Lady''': Ok now, who gets a big kiss! ''[turns around and screams as her baby carriage has Noah in it, Alejandro runs by and puts an apple on top on Noah and returns the lady's baby carriage to her]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[after arriving last]'' What? We lost? === ''Aftermath: Bridgette Over Troubled Waters'' [3.06] === :'''Eva''': So, you gotta tell me what you saw! :'''Hamish McTavish''': (''Speaking in a Scottish accent'') :'''Eva''': WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!?! ARGH FORGET THIS!!! ''[throws the microphone on the ground and hits the Scottish man in the groin in pain and leaves]'' {{line}} :'''Harold''': When your bladder is full, it's roughly the size of a softball! ''[Justin punches him]'' The longest cricket match lasted fourteen days, that's a lot of googlies! ''[Heather knees Harold in the groin]'' In Alaska, it's illegal to talk to someone when they moose hunt! ''[A moose rams him whilst Noah watches on in utter disbelief]'' Squirrels only blink one eye at a time, like this! ''[blinks his eyes, one at a time, the squirrel does the same and punches Harold]'' 111, 111, 111 times 111, 111, 111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321, which is a mathematical palindrome. ''[The other contestants have weapons preparing to fight Harold]'' How cool is that? ''[LeShawna rolls her eyes]'' {{line}} :'''Harold''': I'm no surfer, unless you count the Net. Plus I've never kissed any dudes. {{line}} :'''Beth''': Come on, Bridgette. You can't lock yourself in the green room forever! So you kissed a frozen pole on TV. It wasn't that bad. :'''Bridgette''': It's not even just that. It's this whole Aftermath show. :'''Beth''': Come out and we'll talk about it. :'''Bridgette''': I thought I hated interviewing people on the show last year, but being a guest is even worse. :'''Beth''': There has to be something you like about the show. Bridgette? :'''Bridgette''': Geoff. Even when he was being a Hollywood-level fame-loving freakazoid, I liked Geoff. :'''Beth''': When are you gonna get a better chance to tell him how you feel? :'''Bridgette''': You sure I can't do it by text? {{line}} :'''Blaineley''': Eva, can you tell us what you saw? :'''Eva''': Like, a whole bunch of dumb girls chasing Harold, Justin, and Trent. :'''Blaineley''': And what did these girls look like? :'''Eva''': Duh! Like, a bunch of dumb girls in dumb plaid skirts, like kilts. :'''Blaineley''': Kilts? A school bus? Could be a private girls school. Eva, what color were the kilts? :'''Eva''': White and dumb. AGH! FORGET THIS! ''[throws the microphone and hits the janitor in the groin in pain and leaves]'' {{line}} :'''Bridgette''': Ale-heinous was playing every girl out there! We all fell for it! :'''Geoff''': Some harder than others. Imagine if the tables were turned! :'''Bridgette''': You probably would've kissed him too! He's that good! <hr width=50%> :'''Eva''': I don't know why you would, but they want me to tell you to tune in next time, got it? There's gonna be more crazy action, on Total! Drama! World Touuuur! Aw, forget this! === ''Slap Slap Revolution'' [3.07] === :'''Owen''': ''[about to be sucked out of the plane]'' AAAAAHHHHHH! HELP! SOMEBODY! PRETTY PLEASE! AL! GIVE ME AN ALE-HAND-BRO! :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional; angry]'' Ugh! How dare he pervert the name of Alejandro Burromuerto! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': ''[confessional]'' I'm already prepping souvenirs for my post-season online charity auction. Like, every time Heather thinks she's using me, I make a little notch in my belt. ''[opens the belt as her pants fall off]'' See? ''[reveals her underwear on camera]'' {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': What?! There's a sale at the Kahki Barn! ''[screams]''. {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': ''[to Tyler]'' Hi, Darrel! :'''Tyler''': ''[angrily]'' It's me! Tyler! Season one, you and I were together! :'''Lindsay''': You must have me confused with someone else. The only guy I was into on the show is Tyler, and he's never coming back. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Alejandro flirting with Leshawna?! I would throw up, but he is not even worth the puke! Did you hear him back there?! Even his singing is up to something! Ugh! {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': ''[to Leshawna and DJ]'' Great news, guys! Tyler is back! :'''Leshawna''': ''[acting all surprised]'' What?! Mm, mm. Girl, no way! :'''Lindsay''': Yeah, can you believe it? ''[runs off]'' :'''Leshawna''': ''[to DJ]'' It's easier to just go along with it. {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Ugh! I knew we should've tackled you when you threw our grinder out! :'''Heather''': You didn't disagree at the time. :'''Courtney''': What kind of self involved, lazy, useless, formally bald dimwit thinks a reward won't ''eventually'' come in handy?! ''[she and Heather both start growling angrily at each other]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': Forget it! Shoving meat into the grinder is dangerous. I'm valuable! Who got us the win in New York? :'''Courtney''': Who threw out the electric grinder? :'''Heather''': Yeah, but-- :'''Cody, Courtney, Gwen, and Sierra''': SHOVE IT! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Uh, less yacking, more packing. :'''Heather''': Well, at least I'm doing ''something.'' {{line}} :'''DJ''': Three against two? How is that fair? :'''Chris''': You're kidding, right? ''[to Team Amazon]'' And which member of the losing team must wear "Da Penalty-hosen"? ''[Cody looks worried]'' :'''Cody''': ''[in confessional]'' Look, I'd do anything to keep Gwen from seeing me in a German bikini! :'''Cody''': ''[to Sierra]'' Those lederhosen would look really... ''[gulps]'' hot on you. :'''Sierra''': Pick me! Meee! Me! :'''Chris''': Funny. I was gonna make you wear them, but now that you ''want'' to... Cody, congratulations! :'''Cody''': ''[yelling]'' NO! :'''Noah''': ''[laughs]'' How are the ''hosen'' treatin' ya? :'''Cody''': It feels like someone gave my wedgie a wedgie! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': ''[in confessional]'' My grandparents are German. ''[laughs]'' Schnitzel! I'm like a tenth generation slap dancer! It's what kept me alive on the school playground, and probably why I didn't make any friends. But who needs friends when you have a Cody? {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Ignore those who do not know fabulous dancing when they see it. Truly, you are fabulous. You mustn't hold back any longer! :'''Leshawna''': You're right, candy apple! Clear the way! This dance train is leaving the station! :'''Alejandro''': I'm disappointed Heather. You're above petty teasing. :'''Heather''': ''[confessional]'' No, I'm not! Ugh! I would lie to smack that arrogant jerk right in those... :'''Leshawna''': ''[confessional]'' Strong sexy cheek bones. I could dance already. But with his encouragement, I just went from Janet to Beyoncé! ''[falls over]'' :'''Noah''': What's with you and Leshawna? Giving the enemy a pep talk? Not cool. :'''Alejandro''': Very perceptive, my brilliant teammate. I'm working an angle that'll benefit our team. :'''Owen''': I don't feel so h-h-h-h-hot. :'''Chris''': Perfect time to test this baby out. :'''Owen''': ''[gets electrocuted]'' Whoa! ''[burps]'' Oh, smells like cooked sausage, cool! :'''Heather''': One girl to another, watch out for Alejandro. He is not who he seems. :'''Leshawna''': Ha! You jealous he's paying attention to all this? :'''Heather''': What? Ugh, I hate that guy! As if! ''[gets electrocuted]'' :'''Leshawna''': ''[confessional]'' Anyone who Heather can't stand must be good! {{line}} :''[In the final round, Leshawna squares off against Heather and Alejandro squares off against Sierra]'' :'''Courtney''': C'mon, Sierra! Don't burn out now! :'''DJ''': Stay on the platform, Leshawna! :'''Leshawna''': I'm not going anywhere! :'''Alejandro''': That's it! Seize the day! :'''Heather''': Ugh! She's not even on your team! ''[slaps Leshawna]'' :'''Leshawna''': Ow! ''[slaps Heather and throws her off of the platform]'' I'M GONNA SEIZE THE ''YOU!'' YOU'VE HAD THIS COMING FOR THREE SEASONS! ''[she proceeds to beat up Heather, leaving her face considerably bruised and knocking out one of her front teeth]'' :''[Sierra defeats Alejandro as Team Amazon gets the victory]'' :'''Chris''': Team Amazon wins again! :'''Sierra''': We won?! Oh, I won?! I won! I won! Oh, ah! ''[starts to fall asleep as she snores until she gets electrocuted]'' :'''Noah''': ''[walks up to Alejandro]'' Dude, seriously, what happened? :'''Alejandro''': Heather sacrificed herself to distract me and her brilliant plan worked. I'm most disappointed in myself. :'''Heather''': ''[muffled]'' Oh yeah, I totally planned that. Mm. Ow. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' There is no way Sierra could have knocked that rock hard, walking prime rib of a... jerk-face, off the platform! But why would Alejandro take a dive for me? ''[cut to her in the plane]'' I think you took a dive back there and I wanna know why. :'''Alejandro''': And I think you took one too many slaps to the head. :'''Heather''': Ha! I know you're up to something! :'''Alejandro''': Do you know how great you look with that missing tooth? It really brings out the anger in your eyes. :'''Heather''': You... that is so... ugh! ''[walks away out of anger as she and Noah both get grossed out by Owen eating a sausage he threw up during the dance challenge]'' :'''Noah''': Uh... tell me those aren't the same sausages you threw up. {{line}} :''[Leshawna got eliminated because she slapped Heather during the challenge]'' :'''Leshawna''': What?! But, I-I'm fabulous! I seized the day! :'''Chris''': And we're out of time. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night. :''[Leshawna grabs onto the door when she notices Alejandro appear from behind a tiki statue, grinning evilly and blowing her a kiss]'' :'''Leshawna''': ''[gasps]'' YOU! ''[Alejandro knocks her hand off, sending her tumbling out of the plane]'' Noooooo! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Leshawna's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Leshawna''': Alejandro is evil?! That handsome fool played me! Harold, baby, he didn’t mean anything; I was so lost without you! And that nasty bad boy took advantage. I swear when I get my hands on his silky, smooth — ''[grunts]'' Here again?! Could this get any worse?! ''[the ferocious mountain goat from before appears and attacks her]'' ===''The Am-AH-Zon Race'' [3.08]=== :'''Owen''': ''[After accidentally punching Alejandro in the eye]'' Al, what happened? :'''Alejandro''': Nothing a little ice and revenge won't fix. :'''Owen''': Cool...Did you say revenge? :'''Alejandro''': Of course not. Off-topic, do you have any serious allergies? {{line}} :''[For being in first place, Team Victory gets to zipline across the river, using the T-Bar.]'' :'''Chris''': :'''DJ''': Sweet! :''[Lindsay gets on DJ's shoulders and they zip over the river.]'' :'''Lindsay''': First Place! {{line}} :'''Gwen''': Tied up? Rope is no joke! Spears in our face? Get us out of this place! Ain't having the luck I anticipated. Probably means I'm eliminated. Yeah, I'm out! {{line}} :''[With night fallen, Lindsay's stomach swells after stuffing herself with bananas; hearing some pattering sound] :'''Lindsay''': ''[snoring and she waking up]'' DJ, what are you doing? :'''DJ''': I'm covered in bugs! :'''Lindsay''': ''(she turn the flashlight on)'' Wow. The bugs look exactly like teeny tiny adorable monkeys. :'''DJ''': What? Oh no! They must've been attracted to the bananas! Aw. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Even as a child, I knew that someday, a large group of people would worship me. I knew. ''[grins showing her new gold tooth]'' {{line}} :''[Team Victory arrived at Machu Piccu first, DJ was all scratched up from the monkey attack.]'' :'''Chris''': The Victorious Twosome! Somehow, you two are still in first place. Find the treasure before anyone else, and you'll leave Peru in first class. :'''Lindsay''': Yes! Yes! Yes! :'''Chris''': What happened to him? :'''Lindsay''': Same Old Story! Attacked by miniature monkeys! :'''DJ''': I deserve it! I always deserve it! :'''Lindsay''': But, this time, the animals hurt you and we're in first place! Maybe for once the person going home won't be from our team! :'''DJ''': Split up! We'll cover more ground! {{line}} :'''Chris''': Like that! Finally! Victory for Team Victory! :''[Team Victory cheers after winning the challenge, thanks to Lindsay]'' : {{line}} :'''Owen''': ''[Confessional]'' Sometimes I get the feeling that Al might slightly not totally like me. Punching him in the face probably didn't help...unless he likes that kind of thing. Fingers crossed! {{line}} :''[Team Amazon tried to vote a member off but it was revealed it was a fake elimination]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[confessional]'' I vote for Heather. And Chris, there's ten dollars in it if you forget to give her a parachute. :'''Courtney''': ''[confessional]'' Goodbye, Heather. Wow. Feels too good to be true. :'''Heather''': ''[confessional]'' I vote Gwen. :'''Sierra''': ''[confessional]'' I vote for Heather. ''[giggles]'' I used to say that in my bathroom mirror all the time. And now, here I am doing it. Ah! This is so awesome! :'''Cody''': ''[confessional]'' I... vote for Sierra. She's like the stalker girlfriend I always thought I wanted... until I got one. :'''Chris''': There. All done. :'''Sierra''': ''[cries; confessional]'' He voted... for me? President of his fan club? After all I've done for him? Foot rubs, secret hair collection, I mean, it's just so... Cody! ''[cries]'' :'''Heather''': Let's just get this over with. :'''Chris''': I guess this would be a good time to watch Heather fall out of the plane, you know, if this had actually been an elimination round. But it's not. Surprise! :'''Heather''': ''[confessional]'' Now they fear me. And so they should. I will make them all pay for what they tried to do to me, and then... I'll crush Alejandro for dessert! === ''Can't Help Falling In Louvre'' [3.09] === :'''Owen:''' Um, yeah... I know exactly what you mean. When I'm, uh, away from Izzy for too long, I get really.. :'''Noah:''' Happy? Because your girlfriend is a complete and total nutjob. And I'm not talking tiny peanuts, that girl is a Brazil nut sized nut job. :'''Owen:''' Hey, where is Izzy anyway? :'''Alejandro:''' I saw her go to the cockpit to talk to Chef. :''[Owen, Noah, Heather, and Cody gasp, then plane shakes while an alarm goes off]'' :'''Cody:''' Oh no! :'''Courtney:''' What's happening?! :'''Tyler:''' We're going down! :''[switches to cockpit]'' :'''Izzy:''' Whoa! What does this button do?! ''[presses a button and plane flips]'' Oh! And this one! ''[presses another button]'' :'''Chef:''' Girl, stop that! :''[switches to outside of the plane]'' :'''Izzy:''' Ooo. Blue button! ''[pushes it and planes starts to fall with mostly everyone screaming and the plane then recovers in the flight]'' :'''Heather''': Having some trouble controlling your team, Alejandro? :''[Alejandro sees Owen sucking his thumb while stuck in cargo hold, Tyler crashed into another cargo hold, and Noah with his head stuck in a birdcage]'' :'''Alejandro''': Your attempts to insult my team are... cute. :'''Heather''': Whatever. My girl power team is going to win. We don't get distracted by anything, especially boys. ''[Alejandro points to Sierra who is crying when Cody tried to vote her off while eating a pint of ice cream]'' Get it together! ''[she drags Sierra out by her hair]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[whispering]'' All clear. :''[a luggage case falls off the cargo hold to reveal Cody cramped inside]'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[in confessional hiding behind Alejandro]'' Chris is the one who played the video of me trying to vote her off, so why do I feel like such a schmuck? All I did was vote, in which I had to do! :'''Alejandro''': How long are you gonna keep this up? :'''Cody''': I'm done. ''[pops his head out noticing a stitch on Alejandro's trousers]'' Did you know you have a little rip on the seam there, just a- :'''Alejandro''': Out, Cody! {{line}} :'''Izzy''': ''[over the intercom, imitating Chris]'' Ahem! This is your captain speaking. If you look out your window, you'll get to see what happens when a plane does a somersault! :'''Chef''': ''[grabbing the microphone from Izzy]'' Give me that! Uh, ya'll might wanna hang on to something heavy. :''[Alejandro, Cody, Noah, and Tyler all hold onto Owen in terror and the plane rolls and flips on a strip on water in front of the Louvre, then lands.]'' :'''Izzy''': Woo! ''[the plane ejects Izzy who hits her head on the plane before hitting the water and laughing]'' :''[the camera cuts to the cockpit]'' :'''Chris''': You said we were landing at the Eiffel Tower! :'''Chef''': And you said you was gonna replace that curtain with a locked door! {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': There's only one guy I want to share this with, the guy I've been dreaming about since we've been apart! Where's my Tyler? :'''Tyler''': Hey, Linds. :'''Lindsay''': Are you sure that's you? Cause you look slightly different in my head. :'''Alejandro''': Everything looks slightly different in her head. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[while holding Cody in her arms]'' Cody, you bought her into this mess so you have to get her out. :'''Cody''': ''[walks over to Sierra who is still crying]'' There, there. :'''Gwen''': I can't stand any more crying we can do this challenge without your deal with Sierra. ''[she and Courtney walk away]'' :'''Cody''': ''[screams as a bear comes]'' Okay Sierra, snap out of it. Snap out of it. :''[Sierra continues crying]'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': The thing is, I only voted for you cause I couldn't keep pretending not to be annoyed by- Okay, that's coming out wrong. Forget the apology. I'll get you whatever you want! :'''Sierra''': ''[with her fingers in her ears]'' La la la la la, is somebody talking? :'''Chris''': Hi. My name is Chris, and I'm the host of the show. Hey, did you know you're on it? Right now? And supposed to be doing a challenge? :'''Cody''': Sierra's mad at me. :'''Chris''': Awwwwwww. Don't care. :'''Cody''': I have to get her to stop crying! :'''Chris''': ''[smiles]'' Still not caring. ''[the music bell dings]'' Hey! You know what that means? Time to sing! ''[angrily]'' Or you're off my show! :'''Cody''': No! Chris, please! She won't- :'''Sierra''': I'll sing! For Chris. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[yelling]'' '''ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS TO GO OUTSIDE?! DO IT, CODY!''' :'''Cody''': Okay, she didn't tell me. Let's go Sierra. :''[Sierra ignores Cody and walks off leaving him behind]'' {{line}} :''[Cody goes on a fake date with Sierra]'' :'''Cody''': Look, isn't this romantic? Great view, all your favorite foods. Well, my favorites, but I saw you eating this stuff on this plate before. ''[opens the bottle as the cap hits Sierra]'' Oh! Sorry! ''[passes the bottle to Sierra but she passes it back to him]'' :'''Sierra''': It's no fun cause you're only doing it cause you have to. :'''Cody''': Well, I ''[mumbles]'' How am I going to fix this? :''[the picture gets knocked down]'' {{line}} :'''Lindsay''': Are you hurt? Or are we sad that we lost again? :'''DJ''': These are happy tears! I'm going home! Mama! I'm coming home! :'''Lindsay''': What?! :'''DJ''': Well. There are only two of us! So, if I vote for myself and you vote for me, I get to go home! To my mama's warm embrace! {{line}} :''[Cody and Sierra walk up to Heather]'' :'''Heather''': I thought you were fixing her. :'''Cody''': Look, I don't know what she wants. ''[Sierra cries even more, as Cody loses his temper]'' ENOUGH! SIERRA, PUT A SOCK IN IT! ''[Sierra stops crying]'' Okay. You know what? Today is terrible. I hate today. You know why? Because you're not bugging me, invading my personal space, touching my things, smelling my hair. All annoying, but you know what? You do it all with a certain, uh, a certain enthusiasm that I've gotten used to. :'''Sierra''': Really? :'''Cody''': Yes, but what I'm not used to is all this crying and moping. I want things back the way they were before. Kinda in the way I'd prefer a slap to the face instead of a kick to the chestnuts. :'''Sierra''': ''[affectionately hugs Cody]'' Shut up! Just shut up! You had me at "sock." :''(The animals that DJ ran over applauds for Cody and Sierra's reconcilement)'' {{line}} :'''Chris''': Okay? What you think judges? :'''Heather''': I don't know what Lindsay is thinking all that surrealism it makes me nauseous. :'''Owen''': I'd had to say that Lindsay's just have to made me hungry. There were pictures of pheasants and I think some fruit. Yeah hungry, definitely hungry and obsequious. :'''Chris''': I can't picture myself wearing water lilies. I mean I'm 105, I don't like it. :'''DJ''': This is perfect. Lindsay's design sucked I will totally bottom sum. Home, here I come. :'''Chris''': And what about DJ's work? :'''Heather''': ''[Judging DJ's model and fashion design]'' Dry, dull, uninspiring, not a hint of effort with the presentation. But enough about Gwen, the shirt was a 10! :'''Chris''': I agree. Model sucked, shirt good. I'd wear it. :'''Owen''': Well, I'd have to say I didn't realize that there would be two models so I wasn't paying attention but I really like DJ's shirt. Owen out. :'''Chris''': Victory to DJ! :'''DJ''': ''[shocked upon hearing this]'' What? I won? NO! {{line}} :''[After Lindsay's model looked worse than DJ's in the walk-off ordered by Chris, she was eliminated]'' :'''Tyler''': Those judges wouldn't know fashion if it is smacked them in the head. :'''Lindsay''': You're nice, even you're a bad walker. I totally hope your hockey team wasn't watching. :'''Tyler''': At least they saw me with a cute girlfriend for 20 minutes. Ha! Take that, Brent Steves! :'''Lindsay''': ''[laughs]'' One quick kiss before I go? :''[Tyler puckers up, but Chris puts his hand over his mouth]'' :'''Chris''': It's a half hour show. :'''Lindsay''': Win for us. ''[tries to give Tyler a blow kiss, but Chris stops her as well]'' :'''Chris''': I said, "It's a half hour show." :'''Lindsay''': ''[jumps, but hits herself repeatedly on the Drop of Shame door, falling]'' Byyyyyyyyeeeee!!!! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Lindsay's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Lindsay''': Oh, hi. ''[speaks French]'' Could you direct me to a phone? We exactly a phone thank you. Okay, what are you doing what I do? Oh why you talk to me? Stop doing what I'm doing! It's creepy! Stop it! Less stop! === ''Newf Kids on the Block'' [3.10] === :'''DJ''': ''[in confessional]'' As the only one left on Team Victory, uh, I'm having a hard time seeing how I can possibly win this thing. Plus, I have a bit of a cold. ''[coughs lightly]'' And let's face it; I never had a killer instinct. Unless it's an animal it turns out. :'''Heather''': ''[pops out of the ventilation shaft]'' DJ! ''[DJ screams when he sees Heather]'' Make an alliance with my team, and we'll help you win! :'''DJ''': Whoa! Wh-what are you... ''[in an upset tone]'' Hey! It's a good thing I wasn't doing my business in here! :'''Heather''': I did have to wait a while for you to show up. FYI, Izzy likes to sing "Pop Goes the Weasel" when she... ''[cringes]'' Ugh! {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Oh. He is good! ''[sighs; static]'' I want the tape! Give me the tape! How do you open this thing?! {{line}} :'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' You know, Heather really shouldn't let her obvious crush on Alejandro get in the way of the game. Having a relationship with Duncan really screwed things up for me last season - Trent! I meant, Trent. Just a slip of the tongue, heh. ''[static]'' I want that tape back! Give me the tape! How do you open this thing?! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' Okay, fine. So I did let a guy get in the way of how I played the game. I really can't stop thinking about how Duncan could just abandon me like this, and I… I messed up. Did I just say that on air? ''[static]'' I want that tape back! Give me the tape! Ooh! How do you open this thing?! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': I am a CIT! :'''Heather''': More like a b-i-t-c… :'''Gwen''': Guys! Let's get going! {{line}} :''[Heather goes to help DJ, leaving Courtney as the leader]'' :'''Heather''': DJ will be mine! ''[jumps off the boat and swims to DJ]'' Courtney! You're in charge! :'''Courtney''': Always! Alright, guys! I'm a very experienced rower, a three-time coxswain and a CIT! So… :'''Gwen''': Just Go! {{line}} :'''DJ''': ''[sees Heather appear on his boat]'' Heather? What do you want? :'''Heather''': ''[moves DJ to the other side]'' I am NOT letting you quit DJ! :'''DJ''': All I want to do is to drift the long pieces and lose. I'm sick. I have a cough. ''[fake coughs]'' :'''Heather''': You can thank me later. :'''DJ''': I don't want to hurt one more little animal. Okay? I just want to go home! {{line}} :'''Noah''': ''[using the confessional for the first and only time]'' No wonder my cousins aren't allowed to watch this show. My aunt prevents them to watch Total Drama. {{line}} :'''Heather''': Yes! :'''DJ''': What?! Oh no! :'''Heather''': You sang! You're still in the game! You're still in the game! :'''Chris''': Yes. Yes, you are. But maybe not for long. You might want to take a weekend or over there by. :''[DJ and Heather scream as an iceberg appear]'' :'''Heather''': That was close. :'''DJ''': It was about to get closer. Look out! ''[he and Heather scream again as their boat hit the iceberg as they get to the beach]'' We're alive! You saved us Heather. :'''Heather''': Now will you be in an alliance with me? {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' If Chris wants to have a dumb party, he should just hire a caterer. Because ''I'' am not it. Perhaps I'll just have to add a few surprises to his clams. {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Duncan? ''[she and Gwen are climbing up a rock]'' I knew you couldn't stay away! :'''Gwen''': Get down here you jerk! :'''Sierra''': Alone at last. ''[looks closely at Cody's face]'' You smell like toothpaste. :''[Cody falls in the water after Sierra scares him]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[after Courtney pulled her up to the top of the mountain]'' What I swear it was him! <hr width=50%> :''[Courtney and Gwen come back to their team's boat]'' :'''Cody''': It's about time you guys got back. Where's Duncan? :'''Gwen''': We thought we saw him! :'''Courtney''': It was just a bunch of dumb rocks. :'''Sierra''': That happens to people whenever they want to see someone they REALLY like. This one time I saw Cody riding a white horse outside my bedroom window! And this was before I even knew him. :'''Cody''': Please! Can we stop this story now? :'''Sierra''': I ended up picking thorns out of my tushy for like, a week. Because I jumped out the window. To get on the horse. And I landed on a rosebush. Oh! I have a scarf you wanna- :'''Courtney''': You were dreaming. You weren't! To say that we saw Duncan just because we want to is crazy talk. :'''Sierra''': You do want to see him? Don't you? :'''Courtney''': Of course. A lot. But that doesn't explain why Gwen saw him. :'''Gwen''': Yeah. It doesn't make any sense at all. <hr width=50%> :'''Heather''': ''[finds DJ again]'' Oh hey DJ. Hey listen, I've been looking for you. :'''DJ''': I told you, I'm not joining any alliance. ''[coughs]'' :'''Heather''': That is not what this is about. I swear. I just want to give you this herbal drink for that horrible cough of yours. :'''DJ''': Why do you care so much anyway? :'''Heather''': Hey I saved us from that iceberg didn't I? I care. Now, you have to jug up the whole thing. ''[gives DJ the bottle]'' :'''DJ''': ''[coughs]'' Man, this cough is getting really annoying. All right, here goes nothing. ''[drinks the full bottle]'' === ''Jamaica Me Sweat'' [3.11] === :''[The plane runs out of fuel.]'' :'''Chris''': ''[to Chef]'' Um, are we out of gas? :'''Chef''': Yeah... 'cause you spent all our gas money! :'''Chris''': ''[into intercom]'' Attention, passengers! ''[screams]'' :'''All''': ''[Screaming]'' :'''Owen''': We're all gonna di-hi-hi-hi-hie! :'''DJ''': Tell momma I love her! :'''Owen''': ''[tumbles next to Izzy, who is already wearing a parachute.]'' Izzy, we need to talk! :'''Izzy''': Ooh, you'll have to catch me first! ''[opens the plane door]'' Last one out's a rotten egg! ''[winks at Owen, then jumps out, laughing as Owen screams as he gets sucked out]'' :'''Owen''': ''[Screams and Lands hard on a beach in Jamaica]'' Oww-aah? I'm okay? ''[laughs]'' I'm okay! ''[Izzy jumps and lands on his groin]'' Ah! Great gobs of chutney, that smarts! :'''Izzy''': Perfect landing! Not even a scratch. ''[plane lands squarely on her and Owen]'' Ahh! {{line}} :'''Owen''': ''[confessional, looking the worse for wear after the plane landed squarely on him and Izzy]'' Uh, no biggie. Just a concussion. Can you parents my phone and worry them not to tell... Santa? ''[falls over]'' {{line}} :''[Sierra jumps and lands in the water with a big splash that soaks Courtney, Gwen and Heather. An eel latches on Courtney's head.]'' :'''Heather''': Watch It, Fanzilla! :'''Courtney''': ''[screams as the eel electrocutes her]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[grabs the eel]'' Got it! :'''Both''': ''[gets electrocuted by the eel]'' Ow! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': ''[Before Heather can jump in]'' You have beautiful form! :'''Heather''': What?! ''[Wobbles and falls, screaming, and she bellyflops in the water]'' :'''Alejandro''': Nothing personal! {{line}} :'''Chris''': Will Izzy, Owen and Gwen recover? Will Chef fix the plane so we can leave here while I'm still young? :'''Noah''': I don’t know. Did we land in the 70s? ''[Chris pushes Noah off the cliff, and he screams as he plummets to the water]'' :'''Chris''': Find out after the break, on TOTAL. DRAMA. WORLD TOUR! Hey! Where’s my musical accompaniment? ''[gets hit by a boombox, courtesy of Chef, and Chef smiles at the camera as the screen fades to black]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Suddenly, the army shows up medically evacuated, Izzy was taken by the military due to her newfound intelligence after the crash fixed a blockage in her brain.]'' :'''Gwen''': The army?! :'''Army Soldier''': Say goodbye Izzy, we're air lifting you home for special treatment. :'''Owen''': Izzy is leaving the competition? For good? Oh, Izzy! Why did I ever want break up with you? :'''Izzy''': Logic, we are incompatible, ergo, the relationship must end. Adieu! :''[Izzy leaves the game with the army]'' {{line}} :''[Owen returns in time for challenge #2.]'' :'''Owen''': Hey! Wait up! Doc says, I'm okay to compete! ''[trips and falls]'' :'''Chris''': ''[over the megaphone]'' Owen's back! :'''Alejandro''': Vacation over! {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[over the megaphone]'' Team Victory Takes round one. :'''Courtney''': ''[gets annoyed]'' Uh. We're all here! You don't need to keep using that! :'''Chris''': ''[over the megaphone]'' Maybe, I just like it! Round two! {{line}} :'''Heather''': Your lawyers know the show's contracts inside and out. Chris can't really kill us. Right? :'''Courtney''': Not in my contract! But, who knows what they put in yours. {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': You asked me earlier why I was nice to DJ? Well, I hated to see him suffer. But you've seen how happy he is now. That's because I painted that symbol on Irene. To fool him into thinking his curse was over. :'''Tyler''': Wait. You mean DJ's still cursed?! :'''DJ''': ''[gasps]'' Irene! No! :'''Alejandro''': DJ, you weren't supposed to hear that. Sorry, my friend. ''[sighs]'' I was only trying to help. :'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Team Amazon, ready?! :'''Sierra''': We're our only hope. You and me. It's destiny! Ready! :''[Cody and Sierra ride the track again and they hit the pool.]'' :'''Chris''': 53.41 seconds for a three-run combined total of... 2 minutes and 37 seconds. Good, but will it be good enough? :'''Tyler''': Should I trust my instincts again? :'''Alejandro''': No! Pull your headband down and trust mine instead. :'''Tyler''': ''[pulls his headband down]'' Whatever you say, Alejandro. ''[screams]'' :''[as Alejandro and Tyler ride the track, Alejandro punches part of the track to sabotage DJ's last run]'' :'''Chris''': The men are in first place with a total of 2 minutes and 35 seconds. [through megaphone] Team Victory? :'''DJ''': You better stay here, Irene! Just to be on the safe side. Whoo! Go, Team Victory! ''[he starts the final round and rides down his board as he bumps into two birds]'' Look out! Ah! ''[gets bumped by a walrus]'' That doesn't even make sense! [screams when he rides through Alejandro's broken plank] :'''Chris''': ''[watching DJ get launched in the air after his last run was sabotaged, courtesy of Alejandro]'' Incomplete! The men wins while Team Endless Non-Victory goes to the elimination room, one more time! Ya know, if he ever comes back! :''[Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot cheers while Team Amazon gets frustrated when they lose again.]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[satisfied; walks over to DJ who is wearing a cast after his final run was sabotaged by Alejandro]'' Guess you picked the wrong person to buddy up to? Huh? Try to warn ya. ''[walks away]'' :''[DJ sighs]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional]'' DJ has Chris to thank him for his departure! Not allowed on my team and no merge on the horizon! Bye-Bye! Nothing personal! ''[laughs]'' {{line}} :''[DJ got eliminated because Alejandro sabotaged his third run on the bobsled course which gave him an incomplete time. He was then automatically eliminated from the competition and he was the last member of Team Victory.]'' :'''DJ''': Umm. Since Izzy's gone, we don't need another elimination tonight, right? :'''Chris''': Wrong! Drop of Shame's thataway, you can let yourself out. ''[DJ gets a parachute, he looks at Chris and he waves goodbye. And DJ jumps, but lands on the ground, due to the plane still on land.]'' It isn't the same without the scream. :'''DJ''': ''[sighs]'' Mama! :'''Chris''': Not bad! :'''DJ''': ''[Screams as fire ants attack him]'' Fire ants! ''[Runs away, screaming]'' {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip begins, where we see Gwen took her temperature from the doctor after her shocks from the eels]'' :'''Gwen''': Well, the electric have stopped. But, I still feel so weak, when I close my eyes all I see are eels, eels and more eels! ''[the doctor raised his brow]'' But I'm cured only temporary and nothing to go home for a good night's sleep on a real bed is all I need. ''[the doctor, leaves and then, the curtain opened, Gwen woke up, and sees eels, screaming]'' === ''Aftermath: Revenge of the Telethon'' [3.12] === :'''Lindsay''': Has anyone seen Tyler? Tyler, they're stealing my lip gloss! {{line}} :'''Leshawna''': Taking out Heather was fun, don't get me wrong. But she's still in the game and I'm here! I wish I'd smacked Alejandro! :'''Bridgette''': I know, he's the worst! With that evil mind and that...silky...hair...''[realizes what she's saying]'' Ugh! Evil! :'''Geoff''': I've gotta admit, I'm kind of relieved that I'm not the only dude whose chick went soft for that Ale-jerk-dro. {{line}} :'''Blaineley''': ''[showing footage of Alejandro]'' Check it out, Bridgette. Audience surveys showed that people loved it when you drooled over Fabulandro. :'''Bridgette''': I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend. ''[puts a bag over her head]'' I'm not even looking. :'''Blaineley''': Keep those donations coming, and I'll keep the drama coming! Oh, Bridgette, you have got to see this! {{line}} :'''Harold''': My mom donates $200.00 to the show in exchange that I clean my family's garage. ===''I See London...'' [3.13]=== :'''Heather''': ''[while Courtney tends to Gwen's sunburn]'' Bonding over poop juice?! Ugh! Is there anyone sane left around here? ''[sees Sierra using her laptop/pizza box]'' That would be a no. :'''Sierra''': Tweeter update! Gwen's hand smells like Jamaican bird doodie. Cody is still cute. ''[giggles]'' Uh, 67 characters. Okay, 73 left. What else can I say? :'''Noah''': ''[imitating Sierra]'' Considering buying myself a life on Fred's List, but having trouble deciding as they are all such a major improvement! ''[Owen squirts milk out of his nose from laughter and covers Noah in milk]'' Dude, gross! :'''Owen''': Did I get some of my nose milkshake on you? Sorry. It's the only thing that really cools off a snoot full of Jamaican Scotch Bonnet peppers. ''[eats peppers]'' Mmm. ''[gulp]'' Hot... Hot... Hot... Milk! ''[guzzles down milk carton]'' :'''Noah''': ''[imitating Sierra again]'' "Must learn how to make nose-shakes like Owen! That'll impress Cody!" :'''Owen''': ''[laughs, then shoots a pepper out of nose]'' OW! :''[pepper ricochets around economy class and hits Tyler in the eye]'' :'''Tyler''': Ow! Weak! :''[Noah laughs]'' :'''Owen''': ''[Confessional]'' Aw, my little buddy Noah is like, the funniest guy in the world, so making him laugh is awesome! It's like getting an A+ in hilarity. I wanna top his honor roll! Did that sound creepy? ''[end of confessional]'' :''[Noah and Owen are both laughing]'' :'''Owen''': Check it out. I'll shoot a pepper out whichever nostril you pick, I mean choose. :'''Noah''': Yeah, cause one nose shake a day isn't enough. :'''Owen''': Aw, but I'm out of milk. :'''Noah''': Hey Courtney, how much of that poop juice have you got left? :''[Owen laughs]'' :'''Alejandro''': Excuse me, gentlemen. I have to be...anywhere but here. ''[Confessional]'' A nose shake? Ugh. How many more episodes are there? ''[end of confessional]'' {{line}} :''[Courtney, Gwen, and Heather run into a torture chamber in front a medieval torture rack]'' :'''Courtney''': Oh my gosh! This is the very room where Anne Boleyn lived in before Henry VIII beheaded her! :'''Heather''': What is with the creepy desk? :'''Chef''': It's a medieval torture rack. You decide, toss someone on there to raise! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Gwen''': I volunteer Heather! :'''Courtney''': I second that motion! :'''Heather''': Hey! :'''Gwen''': Who'd like to carry the motion. Cody? Sierra? ''[realized that the duo were missing]'' Umm. Where'd they go? {{line}} :'''Noah''': Quick! Tie him down before Alejandro shows up and makes me do it just because I'm shorter! :'''Owen''': Why don't you like Al? He's great. :'''Noah''': I don't trust the guy. He's like an eel dipped in grease, swimming in motor oil. :'''Owen''': Dirty? :'''Noah''': Slippery. Think about it. He's like Heather, only with social skills. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Screams in pain, as Courtney and Gwen stretch her]'' You did that on purpose, you...''[Bleep]'' :'''Courtney''': Every cloud has a silver lining! ''[She and Gwen laugh]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' I know! Courtney! I never thought I'd even be able to tolerate her, but she's… deal-able. We even have stuff in common which is like, the weirdest thing ever. If I tip over the edge and start making Courtney type lists, rack me. :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' I know. Gwen. She's not completely a social freak after all. Sometimes she's even a good person to have on your team. Sometimes. You know, I wouldn't mind going against her in the final two. Obviously, I'd still win. She's incapable of making a list. {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Heather! :'''Heather''': (''standing up and stretching her back'') Please, I'm fine. (''Gwen and Courtney giggle'') At least, tell me I look taller. :'''Courtney''': Oh, yes. You can be a runway model. :'''Gwen''': That's a stretch! {{line}} :''[Courtney and Gwen go to Whitechapel.]'' :'''Gwen''': I guess we forgot that most of Whitechapel is closed! :'''Courtney''': And the only place open would by a grungy punk club! :'''Gwen''': I guess my hunch sucks! Sorry! We are so coming in last place! :'''Courtney''': I don't wanna go back empty handed! We should fill the bag with something! :'''Voice''': :'''Courtney''': ''[gasps]''. :'''Gwen''': Holy Schnitzel! Is that? {{line}} :''[Courtney, Gwen, Owen and Noah returned to the plane.]'' :'''Owen''': Aww, Sweet! Everybody's okay? :'''Heather''': Yes! Everyone's fine! :'''Alejandro''': But it was reassuring to see some were concerned. ''[glares at Noah]'' :'''Noah''': You were watching everything? Wow, that's awkward. :'''Alejandro''': Like an eel dipped in grease. :'''Noah''': Where I'm from, that's a compliment! Tough neighborhood! ''[Alejandro just rolls his eyes in disgust]'' But hey, we caught the Ripper-type guy! ''[Owen releases him]'' :'''All''': ''[gasps]'' Old man Jenkins?! ''[Chris reveals Jack the Ripper's true identity as everyone gasp]'' Ezekiel?! :''[Ezekiel growls]'' :'''Chef''': Found him living in the cargo hold, homeschooling with the rats. :'''Chris''': I was gonna let him back in the game if he could avoid getting captured, but since he could not... ''[snaps fingers]'' :'''Ezekiel''': Ah, oh-AAAAHHHH! ''[Chef throws Ezekiel out of the plane]'' :'''Heather''': So who did Courtney and Gwen catch? :'''Gwen''': Well, Chris wanted a criminal, so, okay, we didn't catch the right one, but... ''[removes bag]'' :'''All''': ''[gasps except Gwen and Courtney]'' Duncan?! :''[Duncan returns to the game after he was found by Gwen and Courtney]'' :'''Duncan''': You brought me back here?! Ugh! Where's the stupid exit again? :'''Chris''': Not so fast, quiter! Thought you could skip out on the game, eh. Thought I wouldn't find out! :'''Gwen''': Umm. You didn't! We did! Sorry! :'''Chris''': And that's why Team Amazon wins today's competish. :'''Team Amazon''': YES!! :'''Noah and Owen''': WHAT?! :'''Chris''': Head on back to the elimination room, dudes! First class goes to the ladies! And as a consolation prize, the D-Man's on your team. But, someone else is gonna have to go! :'''Noah and Owen''': Uh Oh! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': And how could you think it was okay to just leave like that?! Because it was not! Ugh. Abandon me again and it will ''not'' be pretty. Now, get over here you big lug. ''[Hugs Duncan as Gwen came out]'' I'm not really mad. I just missed you. :'''Duncan''': Every time I ran from the cops, I thought of you. {{line}} :''[Noah got eliminated because Alejandro discovered that Noah had recognized that he was an untrustworthy person. Not wanting to be threatened by him, he convinced Tyler and Duncan to vote with him against Noah.]'' :'''Chris''': And with three votes against him, Noah! It's time to say, Tally-Ho! Pip, Pip, Cheerio! Toodle-loo! :'''Noah''': Fine! If I jump, will you stop? :'''Owen''': Goodbye, buddy! I'll win for you! :'''Noah''': Whatev! Just beware of eels! ''[Jumps out of the plane, screaming]''. {{line}} :'''Gwen''': ''[confessional]'' I don't know how everybody else can sleep. Especially Courtney. I'm still buzzy, like I drank too much coffee, you know? Because we won, and Duncan's back, and he missed...us. ''[Duncan walks in]'' Oh my gosh, I didn't lock the door? :'''Duncan''': The lock's busted. What happened to your paw? :'''Gwen''': This is so stupid, but I have no idea, and I'm so glad you're here to mock me about it. :'''Duncan''': Me too. :'''Gwen''': Ow. Hey. :''[Duncan and Gwen kiss. Tyler watches them kiss in shock]'' {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Noah's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Noah''': Okay, I guess I should've seen that coming! Clearly, Ale-drago was threatened by my superior mental agility. I'd be flattered if I wasn't hurtling towards the earth in a budget parachute! Thanks again for that, Chris! ''[grunts]'' At least I'm finally free of that slimy eel! Ugh, okay, that wasn't so bad! Eels?! ''[screams after he lands in the water]'' ===''Greece's Pieces'' [3.14]=== :'''Gwen''': ''[confessional]'' Ugh, what am I doing? The moment I finally became friend-ish with Courtney, I kissed her boyfriend! I'm a horrible person! If it happens again, I'll tell her. Oh, is it wrong that I really, really want it to happen again? Ugh! Horrible person! :'''Courtney''': ''[confessional]'' It's so nice to have a girl to talk to. Especially now that Duncan's back. Gwen probably still has a crush on him, who wouldn't? But she also likes her teeth. A lot. ''[outside]'' Could you imagine if you, me, and Duncan end up in the final three? {{line}} :'''Owen''': ''[snoring]'' Noah! Don't eat the poison stuff, it's poisonous! Ah! ''[screams pants, waking up]'' Oh... was I talking in my sleep? ''[chuckles nervously]'' Sorry. I'll just... go away. ''[confessional]'' Tyler and Al are super tight now, after all that time they spent stuck on the plane in London. They even voted Noah off. Noah! Oh, I miss the pitter patter of his tiny feet. Aw... and now, I think I might be next. :'''Alejandro''': Something wrong, Tyler? If you tell me, maybe I can help. :'''Tyler''': I saw something. :'''Duncan''': Ah. Oh, wow, that was a deep sleep. Sleep of the dead. ''[chuckles]'' You know what I mean, Tyler? Dead. ''[confessional]'' Tyler saw me and Gwen kissing, and now he's all freaked out. But I think he knows better than to talk about it. He ''better'' know better! :'''Tyler''': ''[confessional]'' I'm bad with secrets. :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional]'' Duncan and Tyler. I must figure out what's going on there and use it. {{line}} :'''Chris''': And we're heading to the birthplace of the Olympics right now in... :'''Courtney''': Greece! :'''Sierra''': Atlantis! :'''Owen''': Mount Olympics! :'''Chris''': Wrong! Fictional! And what?! We're heading to Rome, Italy! :'''Owen''': Pizza Party! :'''Alejandro''': But, Courtney was correct. The Olympics was originated in Greece! :'''Chris''': No! They originated in... :'''Gwen''': Greece! They're right! :''[Chris has a quick look at the papers]'' :'''Chris''': Interns! ''[Two interns appear]'' Everyone should probably hang on to something! Everyone except you! ''[the brown intern gets thrown out of the plane]'' {{line}} :'''Courtney''': As the strongest Amazon, I volunteer. :'''Cody''': I'm pretty sure I'm the strongest. :'''Courtney''': ''(Laughs)'' As I was saying... :'''Sierra''': That's it! I volunteer to fight Courtney! {{line}} :'''Courtney''': You sounded really concerned there. :'''Gwen''': Well, I...I know how you feel. :'''Courtney''': You know how I feel? Like you get it, or like you feel the same way? {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[After Courtney and Sierra collapsed due to the lack of oxygen]'' That's two gold for Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot! :'''Courtney''': Two?! :'''Chris''': Hey! It was supposed to be a one on one challenge, but, you guys turned it into a team event. :'''Owen''': Whoo-Hoo! :'''Chris''': In a world where Owen can win an Olympic gold medal. Do the Amazons really stand a chance? {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Yes. Too close. Someone needs a distraction to slow them down. Time to pay back that favor. Please tell Courtney what you know about Duncan and Gwen. :''(Courtney gasped in shock and glares at Gwen)'' :'''Chris''': On your marks! :'''Alejandro''': Now! :'''Tyler''': I saw Duncan and Gwen kiss! ''[Sighs]'' :'''Courtney''': ''[horrified shock]'' WHAT?! :'''Tyler''': Oh, that's a load off! :'''Alejandro''': He said he saw... ''(Courtney growls in rage at Gwen)'' :'''Chris''': Get set! :'''Courtney''': ''[Yelling in rage to Gwen as Sierra grabs on to her]'' How could you?! I thought we were friend-ish! I hate you! <big>'''I HATE YOU!!'''</big> :'''Chris''': Go! :''[Tyler grunting as he flapping those wings]'' :'''Cody''': ''[shocked that Gwen and Duncan kissed]'' Duncan? Duncan?! :'''Duncan''': You called? ''[laughs]'' Nice bikini! ''[Cody punches Duncan, follow by Chef whipping Duncan with the towel]'' :'''Chef Hatchet''': Sing it! :'''Sierra''': Fly, Cody! Fly! :'''Courtney''': Cody, stay where you are! :'''Sierra''': But we'll lose! ''[looks at Gwen and glares at her]'' Oh. Cody, stay where you are! :'''Courtney''': (''to Gwen'') You, are so, ELIMINATED! ''[Gwen tears up]'' :'''Heather''': She's got my vote. :'''Sierra''': Agreed. :''[wings flapping]'' :'''Cody''': ''[panting as he flapping those wings]'' ''(confessional)'' I'll do anything for Gwen. She has to kiss me eventually! :''[Cody and Tyler panting]'' :'''Alejandro''': Their wings are molting! :'''Owen''': Maybe it's seasonal. :'''Gwen''': Come on Cody. :'''Courtney''': You don't get to cheer! {{line}} :'''Chris''': Amazons win! And the losers are heading back to the elimination room. For the second time in a row. :'''Gwen''': Yes! ''(Courtney smacks her)'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[flexing his fingers]'' Oh, wow. I had no idea punching could hurt the fist, too. :'''Sierra''': You knocked out Duncan! ''[squeals]'' OMG! Your fans are gonna lose it! ''[squeals]'' Like this, like this! ''[squealing]'' :''(They hear Courtney crying while Heather consoles her)'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' The kiss was great. Really great. But was it worth it? I'm certainly not gonna last much longer. And Duncan's probably getting eliminated right now. ''[gasps and runs out to the elimination ceremony]'' :''[Meanwhile, Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot casted their votes.]'' {{line}} :''[Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot tries to vote Duncan off but Chris reveals it was a fake elimination]'' :'''Chris''': Your choice is pretty clear, but today, the final choice is mine, and the Drop of Shame will be taken by... ''[Gwen gasps as Alejandro whispers to Tyler]'' THIS INTERN! :''[when the intern screams as Chris pushes him off the plane, Duncan looks at the rest of his team victoriously and laughs]'' === ''The EX-Files'' [3.15] === :'''Heather''': What a beautiful day it is. Mmm. What is that delicious smell? Oh, I know, it's... ''[Confessional]'' tension! And it has nothing to do with me. I have never felt so safe. Thanks, Gwen. :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; screaming in rage]'' Gwen is going down! I can't believe I ever trusted that sun-fearing, emo-loving liar! Well at least I broke with Duncan on MY terms. Ha, it was totally empowering. ''[cries while throwing a tantrum]'' You, stupid jerkface! :'''Duncan''': Look, I'm sorry. :'''Courtney''': ''[kicks Duncan in the groin; Confessional]'' At least I still have my... pride. ''[unable to bottle up her feelings and... she starts crying]'' {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional]'' My uncle Julio is a hypnotist. Manipulating runs in the family, and that wasn't the only post-hypnotic suggestion I gave Owen. ''[chuckles]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': Cody, get your clammy hands off my leg. :'''Cody''': I'm not touching your leg. :(''A lizard chased Team Amazon until it got blasted into the atmosphere'') :'''Heather''': Since when did lizards fly? :'''Gwen''': Everyone, freeze. We're on a minefield. :'''Sierra''': Way to lead, New Heather. :'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' New Heather?! {{line}} :'''Gwen''': What are we gonna do? :'''Courtney''': Why don't you make out with the minefield's boyfriend? :'''Heather''': We're wasting time! Somebody do something! {{line}} :'''Tyler''': I don't think they stole your memory, Owen. :'''Owen''': Oh, but they did, Tyler! I can't even remember your name, or Duncan's name or Al's name or Chris or the Total Drama plane or Mom's cheese cellar back home, or any of us! Oh, wait a minute...I think I'm good. Oh, how you doing, Al? Al? Al? Al? :'''Alejandro''': 3, 2, 1 and Revenge! ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Owen''': ''[Pulls his undies over his head]'' ''singing'' Take me out to the baaaallgame, take me out to the crooowwwd, buy me some peanuts and Crack-ers Jacks, I do not care if I never come baaaaack! :'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional, laughing]'' The Running Man?! Alejandro is alright! {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Izzy, you have been replaced. {{line}} :''[Tyler got eliminated because he cost his team the challenge by accidentally destroying the alien artifact that they were supposed to hold on to. Duncan was also angry with him for telling everyone about his kiss with Gwen.]'' :'''Chris''': ''[At the elimination ceremony]'' Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot! Not a lot of teamwork going on tonight. Owen, wasting time on a new hairdo. Not cool! Duncan, making deals before helping your teammates. ''[Gwen secretly comes out]'' That's low! Tyler... :'''Tyler''': Is stout that Duncan's out-ie! :'''Chris''': No Tyler! You're out-ie! :'''Tyler''': What?! :'''Courtney''': What?! ''[comes out]'' You're cutting Tyler instead of Duncan. Ugh! What's wrong with you?! :'''Tyler''': Is there gonna be a re-vote? ''[Courtney throws him out of the plane, screaming]''. :'''Courtney''': That's it! No more Mrs. Nice Guy! People are gonna pay! Two people! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Tyler's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Tyler''': Going home early stinks! But on the bonus side, I'll get to see Lindsay! Hey, babe, remember me?! I hope! All in all, my best season yet! Woo-hoo! My name is Ty—! ''[screams]'' Oh, yeah? It's gonna take more than one of you to stop me... Yup, that ought to do it. ''[screams]'' === ''Picnic At Hanging Dork'' [3.16] === :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' I am ''so'' ready to push Gwen out the door at 30,000 feet! Ugh, we have got to lose the next challenge! Sierra will vote with me, but it'll take three votes to do the job right! For some reason, Cody still can't see the evil seeping from Gwen's poorly-moisturized skin. So that leaves… ''[sighs heavily]'' Heather. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional with her fingers double crossed]'' Of course my fingers were crossed. It's one of the advantages of making deals in the dark. {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[using the confessional]'' All I have to do is make sure we keep winning until Duncan gets booted. Then, maybe Courtney will drop her Gwen vendetta, and my new alliance can get rid of Sierra. :'''Sierra''': ''[knocking on the door from outside]'' Cody? Are you okay in there? ''[gasps]'' Did you fall in?! :'''Cody''': That only happened once! :''[The Amazon team laughs]'' {{line}} :'''Owen''': Act like you're crushing on Heather, and she'll go home, same as Bridgette and Leshawna! :'''Duncan''': Bridgette and Leshawna? I thought I was the only guy who snagged double gold in the Babe Olympics. :'''Alejandro''': Uh...yes. I was truly fond of both. Sadly, the fates were against us. I suppose I could attempt a false seduction, but it goes against the gentleman's code. :'''Duncan''': There's a code for that crud? :'''Alejandro''': And if I seduce Heather, Courtney will remain unaffected. If only we could weaken both at once. :'''Duncan''': Easy. Heather's kind of into you, right? So, seduce Courtney. {{line}} :'''Duncan''': Hey, Pipsqueak! ''[he heads for Cody, then, he stops near a kangaroo and Cody turns his emu around.]'' Here comes the pain! ''[tries punching Cody, but, ducks]'' :'''Cody''': You don't know the half of it! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional]'' (Laughing) Classic! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': I've been thinking about the future. :'''Courtney''': You have? :'''Alejandro''': Yes. Tomorrow, and the day after, and even the day after that. :'''Courtney''': I'm aware of what the future means. :'''Alejandro''': Not when it comes to me. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Next time the Amazons lose, Courtney is gone. And not for making goo goo eyes at Alejandro as if I care about that. You saw the way she was writing her emu. She is purposely trying to lose, again! {{line}} :'''Duncan''': ''[Courtney makes a cutthroat, meaning that Team Amazon is gonna eliminate Gwen]'' Aww, crud. {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[reviewing the votes]'' Okay, one vote for Courtney. One for Gwen. A second for Courtney. A second for Gwen. And the last vote's for… Sierra! It's a tie! :'''Amazons''': No! :'''Cody''': ''[shaking Sierra, mistaking her for Gwen]'' It was an accident Gwen, I swear! :''[Sierra starts crying]'' {{line}} :''[After Gwen and Courtney tied for the most votes, they went into a tiebreaker challenge, and Gwen lost the challenge due to her being allergic to eucalyptus.]'' :'''Courtney''': Yes, I win! :'''Chris''': Gwen, 11:00. Exit's right behind you. :'''Gwen''': Suck it Courtney! In your- ''[falls out the plane screaming]'' faaaaaaaaace! :'''Courtney''': Yes! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Gwen's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Gwen''': No fair! Come on, elimination by allergies? Not cool. The next time I see Courtney, I'm gonna ''[muffled]'' my tongue! ''[grunts]'' Wait, now what? Hello? Who's there? Uh, hey kangaroo. Ow! ''[a kangaroo kicks her]'' === ''Sweden Sour'' [3.17] === :'''Courtney''': ''[Giggling]'' I bet you say that to every pretty competitor. :'''Alejandro''': Ah, but you are the only pretty competitor here. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''(Confessional)'' Ugh! Back in loser class ''again'' thanks to Courtney! She should be home right now, not flirting with Alejandro. She's just trying mess with me, and him, fawning all over -- ''[gags]'' Courtney. {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Okay, let's hear it. :'''Duncan''': Hear what? :'''Courtney''': Your apology. :'''Duncan''': For... :'''Courtney''': For what?! For Gwen! :''[Cody sighs]'' :'''Duncan''': For who? :'''Courtney''': For Gwen! ''[Cody sighs again. Courtney huffs, and Cody sighs again]'' Stop breathing so loud! :'''Alejandro''': ''[pushes Cody aside]'' May I offer my Latin warmth? Let's make Duncan crazy! :'''Courtney''': Thanks, Ale-''hunk''-dro! {{line}} :'''Owen''': I wish I had some barbecue sauce, cause this looks like a whale rib! :'''Alejandro''': Owen, you incredibly stupid genius! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': I offer Courtney a cookie and some advice that my mom gave me. {{line}} :'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional]'' I don't trust Alejandro. I don't like Alejandro. But letting him know that doesn't get me anything. So I'll keep it buddy-buddy, and while he works on Courtney, I'll work on Owen. {{line}} :''[After Cody builds Team Amazon their boat that looked like Gwen's face]'' :'''Heather''': ''[lividly]'' ''That's'' what you made us build?! ''[screams and begins to attack Cody with a sledgehammer but Sierra wacks her with a wrench]'' :'''Sierra''': En guard! That's french for, "Leave my boyfriend alone!!" :'''Heather''': ''[growls furiously and charges at Sierra and they both start fighting]'' Get down here and DIE like a man! {{line}} :''[The teams are building boats]'' :'''Duncan''': ''[groaning]'' Why am I the only one pushing? :''[Owen's stomach gurgles violently, as it cuts to him in the bathroom confessional]'' :'''Owen''': How long can you hold in a fart before it becomes dangerous? One time, I tried to hold a fart in all day at school, and when it came out it ripped my pants off! :''[cuts back to Sweden, where Owen's stomach gurgles violently again]'' :'''Duncan''': Dude, are you about to fart? :'''Owen''': CAN'T... HOLD IT... ANY LONGER! :'''Duncan''': Oh, man, I think he's gonna blow! :''[Owen slides around on the ice until falling and releasing a giant fart that melts the ice]'' :'''Chris''': THE ICE IS CRACKING! Will Owen's poor digestion finally kill us all? Stick around to find out on Total Drama World Tour! EVERY HOST FOR HIMSELF! {{line}} :'''Heather''': Okay, what is your problem? :'''Alejandro''': Surely I do not have to explain it to you. We are in a competition. :'''Heather''': Oh, sure. So picking off my teammates while you totally blank me is strategy now? :'''Alejandro''': Indeed it is. When dealing with jealousy- :'''Heather''': I am ''not'' jealous, you arrogant- :'''Alejandro''': Of course I refer to Courtney. I must make her believe no one else exists for me. If she is focused on us, you can blind-side her. Believe me, Heather, the only woman I want to look at is you. {{line}} :''[at elimination ceremony]'' :'''Heather''': Bye bye, Courtney. :'''Chris''': Ah, the elimination room. This is where one of you will be tossed into the darkness to plummet out of my life and possibly to the end of your own. And if this weren't a reward challenge, that would happen tonight. Psych! No vote tonight! You're all safe! For now. :'''Courtney''': Yes! :'''Heather''': Oh, come on! :'''Sierra''': No fair! === ''Aftermath Aftermayhem'' [3.18] === :'''Blaineley''': It's time for another installment of...say it with me...That's Gonna Leave A Mark! ''[awkward silence]'' Would it kill you to play along with me? {{line}} :'''Leshawna''': A Chris-In-The-Box? That's an insult to boxes! {{line}} :'''Geoff''': What does he want? :'''Blaineley''': Is he hot? Like pole hot? :'''Geoff''': That's not important right now! Is he? No, stay on point! There's gotta be a way to get Bridge back! :'''Blaineley's biggest fan''': ''[off-screen, Russian accent]'' Boyfriend and Drama Brothers sing traditional Russian song of Blaineley. :'''Blaineley''': Awww! Tell my super fan that I think he's super fantastic! :'''Geoff''': Brothers?! Are you with me? ''[Harold, Justin and Trent give a thumbs up]'' :'''Blaineley''': This oughta be a fate-sealer! {{line}} :'''Geoff''': My mom always said, if you can fart and burp at the same time, you have no soul. {{line}} :''[Trent went to sit with Gwen, after helping wheel an injured Tyler and he rolled the dice on the Greece square and fell down a booby trap door]'' :'''Gwen''': Impressive nursing! Remind me to not get sick around you! :''[Both Trent and Gwen laughed]'' {{line}} :''[Beth is given the challenge of making up a haiku about Heather that highlights a positive attribute]'' :'''Blaineley''': In ten seconds or less, starting now! :'''Beth''': Um...Heather has ten toes... :'''Blaineley''': True, but not very positive. :'''Beth''': Webbed feet for summer swimming...she's fast in water! {{line}} :'''Blaineley''': What's the name of Duncan's London-based punk band. C'mon, Beth! It's easy! :'''Beth''': Stop pressuring me! I'm thinking! Can I get a hint? :'''Blaineley''': C'mon, Beth! Just say it's Der Schnitzel Kickers! Der Schnitzel Kickers is the answer! ''[the bell dings, and confetti and balloons rain down]'' Wait. What?! :'''Geoff''': Yes! Congratulations, Blaineley! First one to answer correctly gets a one way ticket to the Total Drama Plane. Remember? :'''Blaineley''': Me?! Out there! With those-those-those losers?! Forget it! No one can make me go! No one! ''[notices three interns with bats, ropes and sacks]'' Except maybe them! ''[runs away with the interns chasing and beating her up and wrapping her in the sack]'' :'''Geoff''': And that's our show! My girl won't be back for a while. But, neither would Blaineley! Yeah! === ''Niagara Brawls'' [3.19] === :''[Owen screams and wakes up from his nightmare and everyone was seen falling]'' :'''Owen''': Wake Up, guys! :'''Courtney''': Huh? :''[Everyone screamed as they fall and two swan boats fall with them.]'' :'''Chris''': Hey, kids! You better get in to your paddle boats! :''[The contestants grab hold of the swan boats and they hit the water with a big splash, Chris cringes in pain. The contestants come up all soaked and wet]'' {{line}} :'''Courtney''': If you let us live, I'll tutor any brain-dead person that requires it, even Duncan! :'''Duncan''': If we live, I'll forget she ever said that! :'''Cody''': If we live, I'll let Sierra kiss me. ''[Everyone stares at him]'' What? Like we're gonna make it. :'''Sierra''': ''[Gasps]'' I..want...my...KISS! {{line}} :'''Sierra''': Don't worry, Cody. I will restore your breathing and save your life. :'''Cody''': My breathing is just- ''[Sierra pins him down, kissing him]'' Okay, ''now'' I can't breathe! {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[about Blaineley]'' She's 200 pounds of sassy in a 90 pound package and she's wearing 12 pounds of mascara! ''[the girls glare while the boys seem excited]'' It's... Blaineley! {{line}} :'''Blaineley''': ''[debuts in the competition, and the teams merged]'' Oh, whatevers. So, which one of these lame teams am I on anyway? :'''Chris''': You're on your own, because as of right now, there are no more teams! :'''Courtney and Heather''': ''[cheerfully]'' Yes! :'''Alejandro''': ''[while shaking hands with Owen and Duncan]'' Well gentlemen, it's been an honor. I trust our brotherhood can continue in some manner? :'''Duncan''': Of course, man! :'''Owen''': Oh, sure! We're buddies all the way to the end. ''[elbowing Duncan]'' Right, Dunc? {{line}} :'''Sierra''': ''[running up to the slot machine]'' Mama needs a new pair of Cody! ''[pulls the lever and gasps when the slots land on Alejandro]'' No! ''[Sierra slams the door shut Alejandro's arm]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[stuck inside the machine]'' Ow!! ¡Por favor! I'm stuck! :'''Chris''': Sierra, you've won... :'''Sierra''': ''[angrily grabs Chris' shirt]'' '''THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!''' :'''Heather''': ''[as she is helping up Alejandro]'' I better take him. She won't stop unless somebody does. :'''Blaineley''': Why do you get to take him? :'''Courtney''': No kidding! What's up with that? :'''Sierra''': Yep. Heather. Good enough for me. :''[Courtney growls after Heather and Alejandro walk by]'' :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional, writing a notepad]'' "Eliminated Duncan from game" is now number two one my to-do list. Welcome to number one, Heather! {{line}} :'''Blaineley''': ''[Confessional]'' What kind of TV show doesn't have a makeup department? This cast needs to get some gumption, and some agents. {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Ready, Mrs. Alejandro? :'''Heather''': Only if you are, Mr. Heather. {{line}} :'''Heather''': Do not underestimate Courtney, she is smart. Okay? She really annoys me but ignore that part. She should still go next. :'''Alejandro''': I can control her, she does not get my vote. We are going against Owen. :'''Heather''': But I want her gone! Gone! Gone! :''[Alejandro and Heather stumble and fall off the rope]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional after falling off the rope with Heather]'' Of course I fell on purpose. I am a gifted balancer, but it would be unwise to appear too strong right now, with the teams just dissolved. I don't require immunity, thanks to my alliances with Heather, Owen, and Duncan. So I lay in wait like a crocodilo; a devilishly handsome crocodilo. {{line}} :''[Sierra and Cody walk up to Blaineley and Owen]'' :'''Blaineley''': Move it, love birds! :'''Sierra''': But I'm carrying precious cargo. You should be the one to move it! :'''Blaineley''': Are you saying I'm not precious? Because, oh yes I am! :'''Owen''': Blaineley, would you like to calm down? Maybe we can find you some more cake. :'''Blaineley''': Oh, zip it! Less talk, more walk. :'''Sierra''': Cody, do you think Blaineley is a nasty, nasty person? :'''Cody''': ''[as Blaineley has her hands close to his face]'' No! Not the face! :'''Sierra''': Now you upset him! BACK OFF! ''[grabs Blaineley's hair]'' :'''Blaineley''': Ow! My hair extenstion! :'''Owen''': ''[when Sierra kicked his leg]'' Ow! My hollow leg! :''[Owen, Blaineley, Sierra, and Cody scream as they fall off the rope and Duncan and Courtney walked across together.]'' {{line}} :'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional, writing a notepad]'' Ok, so "Eliminating Heather" is now number one, two, three, and five of my top five goals. Ripping out Duncan's eyebrow ring is number four. {{line}} :'''Chris''': ''[claps]'' Congrats, you guys. You'll be traveling together in first class. And you've both won invincibility. Which means... you can't vote for each other. A sick twist. :'''Courtney''': I want a divorce! :'''Duncan''': Oh, really?! 'Cause I wanna stay married to your sunshiney self forever! :'''Sierra''': Help us! :'''Alejandro''': Go Owen! :''[The other contestants ride Owen as he swam away from the sharks.]'' {{line}} :''[Alejandro convinced Duncan, Heather, and Sierra to vote Owen off the show due to his popularity with both the contestants and the audience.]'' :'''Chris''': Two votes for Heather. :'''Heather''': What?! Did Courtney vote twice? :'''Chris''': Two votes for Sierra. :'''Sierra''': I’m sorry! But, my name is Sierra-Cody now! It’s hyphenated. :'''Chris''': And four votes... for... Owen! :'''Owen''': What? Me? :''[Alejandro flashes an evil smile on his face as he is satisfied about Owen's elimination]'' :'''Chris''': Owen, the gang has spoken. ''[hands Owen a parachute]'' :'''Owen''': Oh, okay. Well... I'll miss you, guys. :'''Duncan''': Smell ya later, man. :'''Alejandro''': I'm weeping, on the inside. :'''Owen''': You can't do it on the outside, Al? Just a little? I'd like that. Al? ''[Alejandro's eye and mouth starts twitching]'' Al? Al? Al? :'''Blaineley''': ''[sobbing]'' I'll miss you most of all! Chubby Hubby! ''[continues sobbing, then stops]'' Was that good? ''[to Alejandro]'' Think the audience will like me for that? :''[Owen takes the Drop of Shame, but gets stuck]'' :'''Owen''': ''[laughs]'' Oops. Little help? :''[Alejandro, irritated, gets up and kicks Owen off the plane, only to get farted on by Owen]'' {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Owen's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Owen''': I can't believe I got eliminated. I will miss this plane but not the food they served there. Oh, I would eat a triple cheese pizza, multi-flavored ice cream, marshmallows with ketchup, microwave hot-dogs, deep fried dumplings, [...], bananas wrapped in bacon, peanut butter and cheese sandwiches... Grilled chicken...? ''[lands on the table with the sharks]'' === ''Chinese Fake-Out'' [3.20] === :'''Heather''': Stop breathing down my neck or get a mint already! :'''Blaineley''': HY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-AH!!! ''[violently smacks Heather in the face]'' {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': Courtney is in need of some aid! :'''Duncan''': Oh, you wanna watch her squirm for awhile? Cool! {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[running so fast wearing wooden sandals]'' Whoa! Can't stop no traction! ''[crashes into the gong; points to the sandals]'' Those shoes are a war crime! :'''Chris''': You didn't have to wear them. {{line}} :'''Chef Hatchet''': If she's a size zero, then I'm the Emperor of China! {{line}} :'''Duncan''': ''[while Chris is on the phone]'' If it's Courtney, tell her she's a loser! :'''Courtney''': ''[walks in sight, very angry, and her hair is messed up and black spots on her]'' Ahem! :'''Alejandro''': Courtney! I am filled with relief. :'''Courtney''': Oh yeah? Well, I am filled with rage. Do you know where I landed? In a pigpen! Do you know how thoroughly I got snouted? It's a good thing I have a very strong stomach. :'''Alejandro''': Ah. Good to hear. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Okay! You have to eat each bowl of delish food, opening your mouth to prove it went down. If you're last to finish or you puke, you go sit with Courtney on the loser bench. :'''Courtney''': I am a CIT, I am not a loser! :''[Chef brings in the first food. Chef gives a nod to Blaineley.]'' :'''Blaineley''': Looks simply scrumptious, Chef! :'''Cody''': What is it? :''[The music bell chimes]'' :'''Chris''': Allow me to begin today's number! {{line}} :'''Cody''': Is it roasted eel? :'''Chris''': It's donkey meat! Local delicacy! :'''Heather''': Gross! :'''Duncan''': Ugh. :'''Cody''': Ace! Where are you? Fart if you can hear me! :'''Blaineley''': Mmm. Delicious! :'''Alejandro''': Drop something! :'''Sierra''': Done! :'''Heather''': Done! :'''Duncan''': It's a bacon double cheeseburger! Bacon double cheeseburger. :'''Heather''': Hurry, Cody! :'''Cody''': I can't eat Ace! :'''Duncan''': Done! :'''Chris''': Cody! You're out! Loser bench! {{line}} :'''Heather''': It's still moving it's feet. It's hundreds and hundreds of disgusting little feet! :'''Chris''': Live mealworms! Local delicacy! :'''Heather''': Ugh. :'''Blaineley''': Chef! Five stars! Mmm. :'''Heather''': ''[mouthful]'' Seriously! You're enjoying this? :'''Blaineley''': Done! :'''Alejandro''': Oops! My hair-tie fell! :'''Duncan''': Done! :'''Sierra''': Done! :'''Chris''': Heather! You're out! Loser bench! :''[Heather pukes on Chris' face.]'' {{line}} :'''Duncan''': ''(Sings)'' I think I'm nearly done for! :'''Chris''': Starfish on a skewer! Local delicacy! :''[Blaineley finishes and winks at Chef. And Chris gave him a look.]'' :'''Alejandro''': I don't know why I'm having such hair-tie problems today. :'''Duncan''': Bacon! Bacon! :'''Sierra''': Done! :'''Chris''': Duncan! You're out! Loser bench! :'''Duncan''': ''[spits out the piece of the starfish and sits at the loser bench, seeing Courtney chewing]'' You're having a snack while you watch this? You are sick. {{line}} :'''Heather''': Wait, stop! Why does Blaineley's food look so much better?! :'''Blaineley''': ''[defensive]'' It's exactly the same! :'''Chris''': ''[answers his phone as it rings]'' Listen, man! :'''Heather''': And ''why'' does Alejandro keep bending over while he's eating?! :'''Duncan''': I got a better question. Why does ol' Courtney keep chewing her cud back here? :'''Courtney''': I do not! :'''Alejandro''': You have a little something… :''[Courtney slurps up a green drool hanging from her mouth]'' :'''Heather''': Chris, what are you going to do about all this crazy cheating? :'''Chris''': Yeah, okay. Budget, blah blah blah. What am I supposed to do? :'''Heather''': Get off the phone and host the flipping show! Alejandro is slipping his food back to Courtney, and ''someone'' is giving Blaineley actual food instead of gross-osity. :'''Alejandro''': It is a lie! :'''Courtney''': So not true! :'''Blaineley''': Get over it! :'''Chef Hatchet''': I'm so ashamed. :'''Chris''': Listen, we gotta wrap this up. So, here's the dealio. One last round, whoever wins has invincibility in tonight's vote and they get to take the person of their choice up to first class with them. :''[Sierra gasps and she claps, upon hearing this]'' :'''Heather''': At least switch Blaineley's bowl to prove she's not cheating, and, move Courtney away from Alejandro. :'''Chris''': Fine. Blaineley, trade bowls with Sierra. ''[Sierra does so much to Blaineley's dismay]'' Courtney, put this on to prove you can keep your mouth shut. ''[tosses Courtney a dragon mask]'' :'''Courtney''': ''[annoyingly puts on the mask]'' This is ridiculous. :'''Chris''': Let's get this done. {{line}} :''[Alejandro and Blaineley puke, giving Sierra the win.]'' :'''Sierra''': ''(Sings)'' Cody's in first class with me! And my love me tea! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': ''[While the castmates line up to vote]'' I assumed you feel compelled enough to vote for Courtney. I don't blame you! :'''Duncan''': Yeah! Well. You go on ahead with your Heather vote. I won't miss her! :'''Alejandro''': But, I'm voting for Blaineley. :'''Duncan''': But, Heather busted you cheating. :'''Alejandro''': Aww. She only made a fuss, cuz, she wants Blaineley gone. So, I will help her with that. :'''Duncan''': You believe that?! Pfft. Jeez, dude! {{line}} :''[the voting tied between Courtney and Blaineley, so Chris decided to eliminate both of them because of budget issues]'' :'''Chris''': ''[looking at the votes]'' Blaineley, Courtney, Blaineley, Courtney, Sierra-Ly, Blaineley and the final vote is for... Courtney. It’s a tie! :'''Courtney''': Yes! Prepare to go down, Blaineley! I am excellent in a tiebreaker situation. :'''Chris''': ''[his phone rings]'' The producers’ breathing down my neck and I’m getting a lot of flak on this budget stuff. So, I was thinking, why don’t you both take off. :'''Both''': What?! ''[Chris gave both Courtney and Blaineley parachutes]'' :'''Courtney''': How is getting rid of me going to save money? :'''Chris''': Weight on the plane, food budget. I don’t know. You’re just both annoying me! :'''Courtney''': Prepare to hear from my lawyers, and Duncan, prepare for a Personal Defamation Lawsuit, while I’m at it. :'''Duncan''': Buh-Bye! :'''Blaineley''': Not so fast! I had some things to say first! Ezekiel, he’s still hiding in the hold. Sierra, Cody has been voting for you every single time. Get a clue! Heather and Alejandro, just give it up and make out already! :'''Heather''': Can you get her out of here? :'''Chris''': I don’t know. This part’s kind of fun! :'''Blaineley''': ''[last words]'' Oh. You wanna hear something really fun. They wanted me to host the show. You only got the job, because I said no and... :''[ A furius Chris pushes Blaineley and Courtney off the plane, screaming as everyone else was quiet]'' :'''Cody''': Boy! Has it gotten quiet in here or is it just me! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Courtney's Drop of Shame]'' :'''Courtney''': How can you not have a tiebreaker for a tie? ''[sigh]'' Seriously, I mean, what more proof do you need that the show is fixed?! Well, the least I ''[unintelligible]'' Blaineley, and Duncan goth kisser. Getting away from him almost worth this indignity. ''[screams, crashes into Chinese woman's ceiling]'' Hi, do you speak English? Um, Man-man-chi? ''[a Chinese woman throws a hammer at her face]'' === ''African Lying Safari'' [3.21] === :'''Duncan''': Speaking of failed romance, you want me to hit the common area so you two lovebirds can start building your nest? :'''Heather and Alejandro''': Yeah, right! As if! ''[realizing they're speaking in unison]'' Stop it! :'''Duncan''': Blaineley was right! You two are so lame for each other. {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[sitting up and dazed]'' I feel like a wet noodle in a blender. Ugh! :'''Sierra''': ''[laying Cody back down]'' Don't worry. ''[feeds him the Love-Me Tea]'' This will have you up and running in no time. :'''Cody''': Huh? ''[hallucinates that Sierra is a polar bear]'' Wha-ah, ah!! {{line}} :''[Due to Chef helping Blaineley last episode, he was forced to wear the penalty parka.]'' :'''Heather''': Is Chef expecting a blizzard? :'''Chris''': Behold! The penalty parka! Plus pants! Created specifically to help people sweat out their cheating ways! Lookin' hot, Chef! :''[Chef throws a gourd and Sierra ducks and Cody takes the hit.]'' {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional]'' My brother Carlos is a professional soccer player. {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': We simply continue to act awkward around each other in front of the others, while we secretly combine- :'''Alejandro and Heather''': -our powers and knock everyone else out of the ring. :'''Heather''': ''[in reference to speaking in unison]'' That has to stop. But I am in on the alliance. {{line}} :'''Duncan''': ''[as a feral Ezekiel claws him and beats him up]'' Hey, Guys! A little help here! ''[Heather and Alejandro fold their arms]'' Seriously?! {{line}} :'''Heather and Alejandro''': ''[After the latter tranquilizes Duncan and Ezekiel, they hug each other]'' We did it! ''[realizes their hug and turned away from each other]'' :'''Chris''': Congrats, Alejandro! You are on your way to first class! :'''Heather''': I would've taken a shot, if he didn't steal all my ammo! ''[Alejandro shrugs it off]'' :'''Chris''': Aww. You guys are so cute! Now, Quick! Grab Duncan and let's get the heck out of Africa, before Zeke wakes up! {{line}} :''[Duncan got eliminated for the second time because Alejandro and Heather formed an alliance and both voted him off, giving him the most votes in a 2-1-1-1 vote.]'' :'''Chris''': Mmm. Tension-y! Alrighty then! ''[looks at the votes]'' One vote for Heather, one for Alejandro, one for Duncan, one for Sierra. ''[Cody whistles]'' And the lucky loser is... Duncan! :'''Duncan''': ''[sighs]'' Kind of expected that! I've could've gotten a bigger chance than this- ''[Gets tossed out of the plane, screaming]'' :'''Chris''': I'm gonna miss that delinquent! {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional; infuriated that Alejandro chose Cody to join him in first class]'' That rat! I fake agree to an alliance and this is how he repays me?! He is ''SO'' going down! {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Duncan's second Drop of Shame after being eliminated]'' :'''Duncan''': But yes! No more singing like a Total Drama dork! No more flying around in that cluttery rust bucket, no more masochistic McLean mayhem! No more Alejandro! No more cameras in the can, no more creepy couples! Gwen, I'll see you soon! Or maybe I'll see you later. ''[screams]'' === ''Rapa-phooey'' [3.22] === :'''Cody''': Sierra left me alone all night! :'''Alejandro''': She did try to sneak in. Seven times. But I sleep with one eye open for a reason. :'''Cody''': ''(hugs Alejando)'' Oh, thank you! :'''Alejandro''': Please, my friend. It was nothing. ''(Attempts unsuccessfully to get Cody to let go of him)'' Could we get up before someone sees us? {{line}} :'''Heather''': I do NOT need to be insulted. Or to kiss Alejandro! {{line}} :'''Heather''': Your boyfriend is a loser to let Alejandro cozy up to him. :'''Sierra''': Husband. And if falling for Alejandro makes somebody a loser... :'''Heather''': I recommend you stop there. :'''Sierra''': Relax! We're the Sisterhood of the Traveling Eggs! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': I do not have much of a sugar tooth and my mom told me I am sweet enough already. <hr width="50%“ /> :''[Sierra got voted off with three votes against her, it was revealed to be a reward challenge]'' :'''Cody''': I'm sorry! :'''Sierra''': I'll wait for you! Win it for us! :'''Chris''': Adorable. But you can shut off the waterworks, because you're all still in the final four! It was just a reward challenge! === ''Awwww, Drumheller'' [3.23] === :'''Alejandro''': Sierra? Have a moment? :'''Sierra''': ''[scoffs]'' Don't even bother trying to flirt with me, okay? I'm a one Codykins girl. :'''Alejandro''': Of course. However, I feel I must show you something. :'''Sierra''': I don't have all day, you know. I have a secret surprise to engineer. :'''Alejandro''': Your plans may change after you see this! ''[show her a fake picture of Heather and Cody sleeping together he made on the computer]'' :'''Sierra''': ''[gasps]'' No! That can't be true! Where did you get that?! I'm gonna kick Heather's husband-stealing butt! :'''Alejandro''': Ah, ah, ah. Patience. You must not let emotions rule your game. {{line}} :'''Sierra''': Glitter glue, stickers, puffy paint? Yes! :'''Heather''': Did somebody say we were making grade 3 art projects? ''[Sierra squirts glue at Heather]'' Gah!! Real mature! :'''Cody''': This might come in handy. ''[Heather grabs Cody's blank canvas]'' I had dibs! :'''Heather''': You didn't call it until after. It doesn't count. :'''Sierra''': How could you?! :'''Cody''': What'd you do to her? :'''Heather''': Nothing! Hello?! She's crazy! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': I thought you could use a little visual reminder of what you're playing for. ''[Sierra gasps when he shows her the same picture of Heather and Cody sleeping and takes the picture away from him]'' Better? I made many copies. To help you to vent. :'''Sierra''': I expect this from that lying two-faced husband stealer. But Codykins?! Aah! How could he?! :'''Alejandro''': Aww. I'm sure you too will smooth things over. After you get rid of Heather, of course. :'''Sierra''': Heather is about to become extinct! ''[cracks a bone]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[walks up to Sierra]'' Hey, Sierra! ''[Sierra growls]'' I do not know what your problem is today, but we still need to talk strategy. After all, I made the supreme sacrifice of hanging with the awful Alejandro so you and Cody can be alone. :'''Sierra''': At least dinosaurs only killed people for food! You kill people for fun! :'''Heather''': People weren't even around when there were dinosaurs. :'''Sierra''': I don't mean actual people, okay? I mean relationships, and souls! :'''Heather''': I don't even know what we're talking about here. :'''Sierra''': We're talking about the fact that you're pure evil! :''[Heather runs for her life while Sierra is about to smash her with a dinosaur bone]'' {{line}} :'''Heather''': Nice to see you working hard. :'''Alejandro''': Gee, thanks. I always do. :'''Heather''': Hitting on ladies and coasting on their work is hard? :'''Alejandro''': Don't you have things to do? :'''Heather''': Wanna borrow my killer pickaxe? :'''Alejandro''': Really? :'''Heather''': Hmm...you know what, it's probably against the rules. Forget it. :'''Alejandro''': Goodbye, Heather. :'''Heather''': I would go, but it's actually really fun seeing you scrambling in the dirt. You're not usually a last place kind of- :'''Alejandro''': ''[angrily stands up and gives Heather an angry face]'' LEAVE ME ALONE!! :'''Heather''': ''[nervously]'' Wow! Somebody got up on the wrong side of first class. I'm just gonna go dig now. With my axe. That I won. {{line}} :'''Cody''': I still feel like you're mad at me. What'd I do? :'''Sierra''': I don't wanna talk about it! ''[she drowns out Cody's words with the post digger]'' :'''Cody''': I already felt bad about voting for you, okay? And I guess now I realize that you must care a lot about me and I- :'''Sierra''': ''[pulls out the photo of Cody and Heather]'' Must focus! Must focus! :'''Cody''': Sierra, what's that? ''[looks up]'' Incoming! ''[he and Sierra run off as a boulder drops to the ground]'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[finds a picture of him and Heather sleeping together Alejandro created]'' How could this happen? :'''Sierra''': You tell me. We're supposed to be married, which means you're not supposed to be cuddling with the meanest girl on the show! Or any girl! How could you?! :'''Cody''': But I didn't do it, Sierra. :'''Sierra''': I'll forgive you eventually, but cheaters have to acknowledge the- :'''Cody''': Wait! This is just me, and Heather, alone in loser class. :'''Sierra''': Oh. Oh, gosh. I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, but... :'''Cody''': No, Sierra, don't cry. That proves it's a fake. When do you ever leave me by myself? :'''Sierra''': I let you go to the bathroom all the time. :'''Cody''': But this isn't in the bathroom. Don't you see? There was no time that Heather and I could've been alone without you. :'''Sierra''': I guess you're right. :'''Cody''': Where did you get this? :'''Sierra''': ''[gasps]'' Alejandro staged this! :'''Cody''': He set me up! :'''Sierra''': Oh. My. Gosh. He is going down! ''[drills the ground until a crack comes]'' :'''Cody''': What did you hit? :'''Sierra''': ''[gasps]'' It's a barrel of oil! {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[grunts]'' How am I supposed to find a barrel of oil way out here in Heller? ''[clinks the ground]'' Hello, paydirt. ''[looks up and gasps as a boulder heads toward her and grunts]'' Ugh, this sucks! I'm stuck in Drumheller! Help! {{line}} :'''Alejandro''': You do not keep me down, Chris! :'''Heather''': ''[offscreen]'' Help! :'''Alejandro''': Heather? ''[he laughs when he sees Heather stuck]'' :'''Heather''': Don't just stand here, get me out of here! ''[Alejandro looks down and sees a pool of oil]'' And don't even think about it, Alejandro! That barrel is mine! :''[Then, the musical bell chimed.]'' :'''Chris''': Guess What?! {{line}} :'''Heather''': Could you...put me down? :'''Alejandro''': You will never never never vote for me. :'''Heather''': Of course not! There's only like two votes left anyway. :'''Alejandro''': Promise? :'''Heather''': I promise. Now can you cut the king kong act and put me the heller down? :'''Alejandro''': Ah, ah. Now you will help me dig up a barrel. We will finish this challenge together. :'''Heather''': ''[confessional]'' Anyone who asks me if I liked having his hand on my shoulder will be wedged in a hole of their own. Got it? It is all strategic. :'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional]'' I did not my feelings get in the way of the game. It's just that I changed my mind. Got it?! It's all strategic. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' ''[Sierra barges in, thus startling her]'' If you're planning my murder, remember, we are on TV and everyone... :'''Sierra''': We need to talk! {{line}} :'''Cody''': My dad and mom forgot my birthday last year. {{line}} :''[Alejandro was supposed to be eliminated (because he had the most votes), but Sierra got eliminated when she accidentally blew up Chris' plane when she brought out lit firecrackers on Cody's birthday cake]'' :'''Sierra''': ''[interrupts Chris as he was about to read the last vote]'' Wait! We've been through a lot together, so I think we should do one last thing before anyone gets the boot. BRB! ''[goes into the Total Drama Jumbo Jet and gets Cody's cake with the lit sparklers on it]'' Happy Birthday, Cody! I made it myself! ''[sparks land on spilled oil]'' :'''Everyone''': Sierra! Look out! :'''Sierra''': What?! :''[a feral Ezekiel and other animals evacuate the plane before it explodes. After that, the plane gets blown up with a huge explosion, Alejandro shields Heather.]'' :'''Cody''': Sierra! :'''Chris''': ''[anguished]'' '''''My beautiful plane!!''''' ''[sobs]'' :'''Cody''': Are you okay? :'''Sierra''': It was chocolate, your favorite! ''[Heather and Alejandro rush over.]'' :'''Alejandro''': Are you okay?? :'''Sierra''': Do I LOOK okay?! ''[she is seen charred and her hair disintegrates after she accidentally blows up the plane with the lit firecrackers on Cody's birthday cake]'' :'''Heather''': Chris? Hey, Chris?! :'''Chris''': ''[in sheer rage]'' Oh, she's fine! Although I guess with the whole '''''BLOWING UP MY PLANE''''' business... <big><big><big>'''''SHE'S OUT OF THE GAME!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[he disqualifies Sierra, despite winning immunity]'' :'''Alejandro''': So... the final three, it's Cody, Heather and me?! :'''Sierra''': ''[to Cody]'' Cody, you must win it for both of us. :'''Heather''': ''[uneasily when Alejandro offers her a high five]'' Whoo. Yeah. ''[high fives Alejandro]'' Uh, be right back. ''[she toss the votes into the campfire]'' :''[Alejandro picks up the passports and blows on them revealing that there was one vote for Cody and three votes for him, meaning, Heather secretly voted for him]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[frustrated]'' You will regret this, Heather. Oh, yes. You ''will'' regret this. :'''Chris''': ''[sadly]'' Well, this was not my best day ever. Join us next time. There will be a next time. I'm just not sure what kind of show it will be, or where. It will still be called Total. Drama. ''[voice-breaks]'' World Tour. ''[signs off crying]'' === ''Hawaiian Style'' [3.24] === :'''Geoff''': First, I've got one more ex-contestant to add to the mix. It's the queen of pain-ley herself, Blaineley! ''[an Intern wheels in Blaineley, whose entire body is wrapped in bandages, on a dolly]'' :'''Beth''': What did you do to the mean blonde person?! :'''Geoff''': It wasn't me! Don't you remember when Courtney and Blaineley got booted out of the plane together in China? Get a load of what happened next in this previously unseen footage! ''[cuts to Blaineley falling from the sky onto a house]'' And boom! ''[the Peanut Gallery laughs at her]'' {{line}} :'''Geoff''': Look at Heather! She's like a Total Drama cockroach! :'''Duncan''': I thought that was Ezekiel. {{line}} :'''Geoff''': You know this is a half-hour show, right? :'''Harold''': Technically, it's twenty-two minutes, and that includes opening and closing credits. Deer! Cody's a deer! ''[the contestants laugh at him]'' {{line}} :'''Bridgette''': Courtney, have you got a choice for Alejandro? :'''Courtney''': I'm gonna go jaguar, Bridgette. :'''Geoff''': Jaguar? Are you sure? :'''Courtney''': Of course I am! They're smart, they're lean, they're fast... :'''Geoff''': They're spotty, you shouldn't leave them alone with your kitten...Okay then! === ''Planes, Trains, and Hot Air Mobiles'' [3.25] === :'''Chris''': Last time on Total Drama World Tour... Alberta! It'll blow you away! How could this happen?! Well first, Sierra exploded when Alejandro called Cody a two-timer. So, she took it out on Heather and ka-boom! Someone got stuck in a hole. Luckily for Heather, Alejandro felt a tremor in his tiny black heart and saved her. But... his heart imploded when he found out Heather voted for him. Dude so would have been a goner. Except Sierra demolished my plane! Did I mention we've got no ride now? Hmm? '''''BECAUSE SIERRA BLEW IT UP?!''''' ''[inhales into a paper bag]'' Our final three are jetting to Hawaii... without a jet. So get set for some other kind of race to the million! Right here on Total. Drama. World Tour! ''[front part of the plane fell on the ground]'' Ouch! {{line}} :'''Chris''': The hot tub with my name spelled out in Italian tiles, gone. My monogrammed sneakers, gone. My custom calibrated stubble trimmer, gone. :'''Alejandro''': So... shall we continue the game? :'''Heather''': Yeah. I second that, totally. :'''Chris''': As usual, you two are thinking of nothing but yourselves. :'''Cody''': ''[grunts]'' Can we get some help over here? :'''Chris''': What about the bigger humanitarian crisis? How am I supposed to keep this face fresh without my hyperbolic chamber? :''[Cody picks up a bald Sierra who was left from the plane explosion]'' :'''Sierra''': Oh, Cody. I've had dreams like this! Except in most of them, you wore a Mountie hat and a loincloth. ''[purrs]'' :'''Cody''': Did you land on your head? :'''Sierra''': No, silly! I'm fine. I'm fantastic! Except for my, you know, my left wrist, right earlobe, scalp and both ankles. ''[Cody struggles to hold her up]'' Which, um, are kind of throbbing with every step we take. Ow! Ow! :'''Cody''': ''[as he and Sierra fall]'' Whuh-oh! :'''Heather''': ''[in the destroyed confessional]'' Now that Sierra's out of the game, it ''would'' be nice to earn points with Cody. But really, I ''have'' to help. I've been where she is. Crazy or not, no girl should ''ever'' have to be bald on national TV. Here. Maybe these will help. ''[she gives Sierra a wheelchair and a head-dress up cover up Sierra's bald head]'' :'''Sierra''': Does it look okay? :'''Heather''': Gorgeous! :''[Chef comes out with the emergency kit]'' :'''Chris''': Hey! My emergency kit! We're saved! Ha ha! That's right, kids. Get ready for surf, sun, and beauties in grass skirts. We're going to a-Hawaii! :''[Alejandro, Heather, and Cody cheers]'' :'''Chris''': I know. Best host ever. Never doubt me! :''[the box collapsed revealing a helicopter]'' :'''Alejandro''': Uh, is that a two-seater? :'''Chris''': Yep. Chef flies, I supervise. :'''Alejandro''': And we? :'''Chris''': Will be competing to get to the big island first using only your wits and whatever you find out here. :'''Cody''': But we're in the middle of nowhere! :'''Chris''': True. So, check these fancy-dancy GPS's I'm generously giving you. :'''Heather''': "Middle of Nowhere, Alberta." Well, they work. :'''Chris''': Set 'em for Tijuana Beach. It's right on the Mexican border. Now move it! Go, go, go! :'''Sierra''': Wait! What about me?! :'''Chris''': Make like you took the Drop of Shame and figure it out yourself! :'''Sierra''': ''[in the destroyed confessional, furious about Chris abandoning her in Drumheller]'' Okay, mom. I know how hard it is to end a crush but he's a total jerkface! When I come home, the Chris McLean museum/guestroom better be destroyed! :'''Chris''': Don't worry! You're all totally gonna make it! ''[he and Chef leave by riding a helicopter]'' {{line}} :'''Sierra''': [confessional] I order my mom to pack away all of her Chris shrine at home before I return. {{line}} :'''Heather''': And this must be the part where you ask me to join forces. :'''Alejandro''': Why would I do that? :'''Heather''': Because we're the final two, right? It was like a pact. You wanted-- :'''Alejandro''': I know what you did. :'''Heather''': Um, could you be a bit more specific? I've done a lot. ''[gasps]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[takes out his passport revealing that Heather tried to vote him out of the game; angrily]'' YOU VOTED FOR ''ME!'' ''[normal]'' Oh, prepare for the full force of Hurricane Alejandro. Next stop, Hawaii. And I sincerely hope you don't make it. :'''Heather''': Oh, like you wouldn't do the same! :'''Alejandro''': ''[in the destroyed confessional]'' Heather has a way of making my focus slip, like a too-small Speedo. This race is my redemption. As long as I travel alone, she can't distract me with her clever words, or her distrustful eyes, or the way she tucks her hair behind those cute little earlobes...argh! Focus! :'''Heather''': You better focus, 'cause it is on! I am gonna smoke you for breakfast! :'''Alejandro''': Bring it! :'''Heather''': ''[over walkie talkie]'' Blah blah blah. Guess what? I can just turn you off. :'''Alejandro''': ''[over walkie talkie]'' Of course you can. You're an expert at turning people off. :'''Heather''': Ugh! Much better. Without Evil-jandro around to distract me, I am going straight to Millionaire City, population: me. Okay, now how do I get there? {{line}} :''[Sierra offers Cody her wheelchair to use in his hot air balloon]'' :'''Sierra''': So what if I perish here, my bones bleaching along with the dinosaur carcasses? It's worth it to help my Cody-bunny-candy-kins! I won't take no for an answer! :'''Cody''': Seriously. Wow. You're amazing. You know, when I first met you, I thought you were just my number one fan. But now, you're a true friend. :'''Sierra''': Aren't we just a little more than friends? Just a teensy bit? :'''Cody''': Uh, sure. We're...uh...best friends! {{line}} :'''Fireworks seller''': Cody from Total Drama? He's up against Heather? Right now? :'''Sierra''': You're a fan? Me too! {{line}} :''[at Hawaii, the eliminated contestants show up with mean, desperate or anxious looks on their faces when Heather reached Hawaii at last]'' :'''Heather''': Yes! I win, I win, I win! :'''Chris''': Heather makes it into the final two! One question remains. Who will Heather battle? Cody or Alejandro? :'''Cody''': We did it! ''[pants]'' :''[suddenly, their victory didn't last long as Alejandro falls in at the last minute as he, Cody, and Sierra scream]'' :'''Chris''': Oh, wow. That's what you call a tie, people. I'd go to the slow mo to declare a winner, but, we're, kinda outta time. :'''Heather, Alejandro, and Cody''': What?! :'''Chris''': Yep. We are totally, completely, undeniably, out of time. As of, right, about, now! ''[Heather, Alejandro, and Cody groans]'' So come back next time to find out who battles who and see someone finally win the million or die trying. Right here on Total. Drama. World Tour! === ''Hawaiian Punch'' [3.26] === :'''Alejandro''': ''[using the confessional at Hawaii]'' I only let Heather beat me to give her a false sense of confidence. But how will I explain to those at home that I tied with that pathetic Cody? Oh, my brother José will be compiling his insults already. :'''Cody''': ''[using the confessional at Hawaii]'' I made it all the way to the final two-ish! I can't believe how close I am to the million! There's just one massive thing in my way. Alejandro. Against just me. Never thought I'd say this, but I wish Sierra was back in here with me. {{line}} :'''Heather''': ''[using the confessional at Hawaii]'' Believe it or not, I am actually hoping Alejandro wins the tiebreaker. I might be able to beat him in a vote. {{line}} :'''Chris''': Ta-da! Each ball inside our challenge booth has a different tie breaker written on it. So, take your pick. :'''Heather''': Well, isn't this fun. Ow! Are these golf balls? Ow, ow! :''[the eliminated contestants laughs]'' :'''Bridgette''': I swear, Geoff and I put ping pong balls in there. :'''Chris''': I know. And I'm not mad. Just disappointed. I had to dial it up to met my usual high standards. :'''Heather''': Ow! How am I supposed-- ah, ow, ow! :''[glass breaks, Tyler groans, Heather walks off coughing]'' :'''Chris''': No ball, no exit. Back you go. ''[Heather coughs]'' Uh, Geoff. Go ahead and read that, would you, pal? :'''Geoff''': ''[picks up the golf ball Heather choked on]'' Ew. Heather has selected the traditional Hawaiian fire dance of death. {{line}} :''[after Alejandro and Cody tied for second place in the last challenge, they had to compete together in "Traditional Hawaiian Fire Dance of Death"]'' :'''Alejandro''': Prepare to be defeated my tiny friend! :'''Cody''': Ah! I'm too young to die! Or fry! :'''Sierra''': Stay focused, Codykins! :'''Harold''': The kiwis! Go for the kiwis! :'''Courtney''': Go, Alejandro! Squish him! Like a bug! :'''Heather''': Where's my encouragement? Hello, Team Heather? Ugh! Ah! ''[blows]'' :'''Alejandro''': Give up! You know you can't win! ''[pushes Cody away]'' :'''Heather''': Someone better win fast! I'm about to burst into flames! ''[pause]'' Oh no! Sierra just rolled into quicksand! :'''Cody''': ''[while trying to defeat Alejandro]'' What? Sierra? Someone help her! :'''Sierra''': No! Cody! :''[Alejandro hits Cody as he knocks his jousting stick in the water as a shark eats it]'' :'''Cody''': NO! :'''Alejandro''': Consider your disarmed and DISPLATFORM! ''[he knocked Cody off the platform, thus eliminating him from the competition after Heather distracted him about Sierra]'' :'''Chris''': ''[laughs]'' Ruthless! :'''Cody''': Please don't eat me! Please don't eat me! ''[gets eaten by a shark as he swims away]'' :'''Sierra''': Cody! ''[steers her wheelchair into the ocean and saves Cody from the shark]'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': ''[using the confessional at Hawaii]'' Nobody makes shark bait out of me and gets away with it. Anyway, Heather was pretty good to me overall. Hey, I bet I'm the first person to ever say that. {{line}} :'''Heather''': You can’t seriously expect us to throw these dummies into an active volcano without safety equipment. {{line}} :'''Courtney''': Eh, there's no mall. We're in the jungle. Ah! Do I have to do everything myself? :'''Harold''': Ha! Is in the bag. ''[Courtney kicks him in the groin]'' {{line}} :'''Cody''': Al hates being called Al? Gosh, ''Al''! Owen must've called ''Al'' Al, like, a thousand times! Huh, ''Al''? Poor ''Al''! :'''Alejandro''': ''[offscreen]'' SHUT IT! {{line}} :'''Harold''': ''[in a high-pitched voice while holding his groin]'' Hurry! There's no time to lose! :'''Cody''': Don't give up, or the bad guy wins! :'''Heather''': You mean...I'm the good guy? {{line}} :''[Alejandro makes it all the way up to the top of the volcano where Chris, Chef and the other contestants are waiting]'' :'''Chris''': ''[holding the million dollar case]'' Looking for this? :'''Alejandro''': ''[to his Heather dummy]'' Thanks for everything. ''[hisses like a snake and kisses his dummy]'' {{line}} :''[After Alejandro kisses Heather, she then kicks him on the groin]'' :'''Heather''': A little something called "Victory"! So long, sucker! ''[Pushes Alejandro on the ice out the edge of volcano]'' :'''Alejandro''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ====Alejandro's ending==== :'''Heather''': Yeah. Boys are okay, but a million dollars is ''way'' better! ''[unknowingly picks up Alejandro's sacrifice dummy and throws it into the volcano, making Alejandro the winner]'' Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! :'''Chris''': Nice. Except, isn't ''that'' your sacrifice? :'''Heather''': ''[turns at her sacrifice dummy is still on the ground; shocked]'' But… that's not… ''[turns and looks down in the volcano]'' :'''Chris''': You just threw Alejandro's in the volcano. So, Alejandro wins! :'''Heather''': ''[panics in shock and lets out a big loud scream in defeat which echoes]'' <big><big>'''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''</big></big> :''[Alejandro lands at the bottom still sitting on a big ice cube]'' :'''Chris''': ''[calling out]'' Hey, Alejandro, you might wanna come back up here! :'''Alejandro''': I won?! I'm coming! ''[runs back up to the volcano]'' :'''Heather''': ''[incredibly livid]'' This is not fair! ''I'' am the one who made the pineapple sacrifice! {{line}} :'''Hawaiian Native''': Don’t you know what happens when pineapples meet lava? :''[When the volcano erupts, Chris says uh-oh. A feral Ezekiel appears, pushes Heather off, and takes the money away from Chris. Katie, Justin, Lindsay, Sierra, Courtney, and Sadie become worried during the fight. DJ and Trent both become terrified while Owen scratches his back with the sign. A feral Ezekiel takes grabs the case from Chris and drops it in the volcano as it started to rumble]'' :'''Chris''': Whoa! Didn't see that one coming! Any-who, '''RUN!!!!''' ''[he and the contestants run from the erupting volcano]'' :'''Alejandro''': ''[running up to get his reward]'' Hey! Where's my prize money! I demand to get what's coming to me! :''[the cast trample Alejandro as he gets covered in lava flowing down the volcano when they escape from the erupting volcano]'' :'''Chris''': See you [[Total Drama: Revenge of the Island|next season]], I guess. ''[Alejandro screams and runs by after being trampled by the contestants and burned by lava]'' Maybe with a whole new cast, cause, let's face it, these guys are probably gonna melt. Until next time, I'm Chris McLean, and this has been Total....Drama... :''[a feral Ezekiel falls screaming from the sky and crashes into Chris and Chef's boat, everyone laughs, but, then swims as magma starts raining]'' ====Heather's ending==== :'''Heather''': Yeah. Boys are okay, but a million dollars is ''way'' better! ''[throws her sacrifice dummy into the volcano]'' Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! :'''Chris''': And that's a cool million for Heather. The winner of Total Drama World Tour! :''[the ex-constestants clap and cheer]'' :'''Cody''': Ha! Take ''that'', Al! :'''Harold''': Sweet! :'''Heather''': ''[opens the case and gasps at the money]'' Look how beautiful it is! {{line}} :'''Hawaiian Native''': Don’t you know what happens when pineapples meet lava? :''[When the volcano erupts, Chris says uh-oh. A feral Ezekiel appears and takes the money away from Heather. Katie, Justin, Lindsay, Sierra, Courtney, and Sadie become worried during the fight. DJ and Trent both become terrified while Owen scratches his back with the sign. A feral Ezekiel takes grabs the case from Heather and drops it in the volcano as it started to rumble]'' :'''Chris''': Whoa! Didn't see that one coming! Any-who, '''RUN!!!!''' :''[Everyone runs from the erupting volcano until Alejandro is shown at the very bottom. After that, Chris and Heather pass by him when the cast trample him leaving him burned by lava]'' :'''Alejandro''': Wait for me! ''[gets run over by Blaineley's dolly]'' Ow! ''[lava pours on him]'' :'''Chris''': See you [[Total Drama: Revenge of the Island|next season]], I guess. ''[Alejandro screams and runs by after being trampled by the contestants and burned by lava]'' Maybe with a whole new cast, cause, let's face it, these guys are probably gonna melt. Until next time, I'm Chris McLean, and this has been Total....Drama... :''[a feral Ezekiel falls screaming from the sky and crashes into Chris and Chef's boat, everyone laughs, but, then swims as magma starts raining]'' :'''Heather''': ''[being left alone in the ocean]'' Wait! Do I get my money or what? ''[she then sees a giant boulder falling towards her; screams and starts swimming away from the rock and as the rock goes near her]'' {{line}} :''[Exclusive clip: Chris and Chef pick up Alejandro and place him in a robot suit after getting severely injured and burned from the disastrous finale]'' :'''Chris''': Let's get this over with already. It's freezing in here. At this rate, I'm probably gonna need some more hot chocolate and another sleeve blanket. You sure what you're doing Chef? As long as we sign the release forms, we're golden. ''[the robot starts to stand up]'' Al? Can you hear me? We're gonna need you to sign some paperwork that legally absolves the show of your little lava accident. :'''Alejandro''': ''[inside the Drama Machine]'' Chris, the million dollars. Is it safe? :'''Chris''': Yeah. It seems the million dollars fell into the volcano. It's gone. :'''Alejandro''': ''[inside the Drama Machine]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! :''[fade to black]'' :'''Chris''': ''[chuckles offscreen]'' Spaz. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Total Drama seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian adult animated musical TV shows]] 9jjxnyhdnrstyys0nbg4m2nz2rognos 0 134386 3155633 3153760 2022-08-17T20:46:36Z 73.168.254.34 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss. :''Directed by Chris Renaud. Co-directed by Kyle Balda. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.'' == The Lorax == * I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. * Who taught you guys how to steal a bed? * ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya! * ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots. * ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean. == Ted == * ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. * I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]'' == Audrey == * ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk. * What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard. == The Once-ler == * ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world. * Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]'' * Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax. * ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir! * Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry. * ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?! * ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not. * ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy. * ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing "Let it Grow" and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted. == Mr. O'Hare == * ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to. * You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body! * You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever. * Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts "Damn it!"]'' * Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts! * ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!''' * ''[last words as he sings "Let It Die"]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh? == Dialogue == :'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do? :'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler. :'''Ted''': The what? :'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK? :'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in! :'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant. :'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me? :'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom. :'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him. :'''Ted''': The Once-ler? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]'' :'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?! :'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. :'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out. :'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no! :'''Once-ler''': Trees? :'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello? :'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees. :'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa! :'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}} :'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]'' :'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] <big>'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''</big> [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000. :'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. :'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago. :'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe? :'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree? :'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.) :'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, <big>''long''</big> time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute. :'''Once-ler''': Excuse me? :'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one. :'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm? :'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey! :''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]'' :'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree? :'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it. :'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! :'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]'' :'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that? :'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]'' :'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man? :'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole! :'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day. :''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]'' :'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures? :''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]'' :'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground! :''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]'' :'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame! :''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it. :'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]'' :'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks. :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay. :'''The Lorax''': You have been warned. :''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs? :'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it? :'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No! :'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl. :'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. :'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''. :'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life! :'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal. :'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)'' :'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you. :'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. :'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away. :'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done. :'''The Once-ler''': "No harm done", "no harm done"? Ugh, okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it! :'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night. :'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees. :'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]'' :'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed! :'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? :'''The Once-ler''': "Garbage"? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first. :'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing. :'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo. :''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]'' :'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar? :'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]'' :'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat. :'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one. :'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut? :'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose! :'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman. :'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more? :'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote "powers" to stop me? :'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now! :'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable, remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be? :'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!''' :''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]'' :'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted. :'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi. :'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk. :'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over. :'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room. :'''Ted''': No, no, no! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed! :'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it! :'''Bernice''': What is going on here? :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs! :'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]'' :'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here? :'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it? :'''Bernice''': Seed? :''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]'' :'''Ted''': Where's Grammy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]'' :'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that! :'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]'' :'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache. == Tagline == * "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not." — Dr. Seuss == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down. * We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained. :* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ "Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'"], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz, ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012. == Cast == * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted * [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey * [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice * [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty * [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella * [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda * [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb * [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett & Chet == See Also == * [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]] * [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]] * [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}} [[Category:2012 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films about bears]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]] [[Category:Films set in forests]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] n9te69ijoebok52lgsgjckh4rnkh2x0 3155638 3155633 2022-08-17T21:05:20Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a 12-year-old boy who searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]. Co-directed by [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]], based on [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]] by [[Dr. Seuss]].'' <center>'''Meet the original force of nature.'''</center> == The Lorax == * I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. * Who taught you guys how to steal a bed? * ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya! * ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots. * ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean. == Ted == * ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. * I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]'' == Audrey == * ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk. * What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard. == The Once-ler == * ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world. * Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]'' * Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax. * ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir! * Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry. * ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?! * ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not. * ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy. * ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing "Let it Grow" and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted. == Mr. O'Hare == * ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to. * You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body! * You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever. * Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts "Damn it!"]'' * Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts! * ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!''' * ''[last words as he sings "Let It Die"]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh? == Dialogue == :'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do? :'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler. :'''Ted''': The what? :'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK? :'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in! :'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant. :'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me? :'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom. :'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him. :'''Ted''': The Once-ler? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]'' :'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?! :'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. :'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out. :'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no! :'''Once-ler''': Trees? :'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello? :'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees. :'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa! :'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}} :'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]'' :'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] <big>'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''</big> [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000. :'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. :'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago. :'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe? :'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree? :'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.) :'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, <big>''long''</big> time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute. :'''Once-ler''': Excuse me? :'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one. :'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm? :'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey! :''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]'' :'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree? :'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it. :'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! :'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]'' :'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that? :'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]'' :'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man? :'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole! :'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day. :''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]'' :'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures? :''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]'' :'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground! :''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]'' :'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame! :''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it. :'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]'' :'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks. :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay. :'''The Lorax''': You have been warned. :''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs? :'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it? :'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No! :'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl. :'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. :'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''. :'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life! :'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal. :'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)'' :'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you. :'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. :'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away. :'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done. :'''The Once-ler''': "No harm done", "no harm done"? Ugh, okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it! :'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night. :'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees. :'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]'' :'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed! :'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? :'''The Once-ler''': "Garbage"? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first. :'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing. :'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo. :''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]'' :'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar? :'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]'' :'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat. :'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one. :'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut? :'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose! :'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman. :'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more? :'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote "powers" to stop me? :'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now! :'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable, remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be? :'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!''' :''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]'' :'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted. :'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi. :'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk. :'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over. :'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room. :'''Ted''': No, no, no! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed! :'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it! :'''Bernice''': What is going on here? :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs! :'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]'' :'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here? :'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it? :'''Bernice''': Seed? :''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]'' :'''Ted''': Where's Grammy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]'' :'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that! :'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]'' :'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache. == Tagline == * "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not." — Dr. Seuss == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down. * We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained. :* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ "Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'"], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz, ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012. == Cast == * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted * [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey * [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice * [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty * [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella * [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda * [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb * [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett & Chet == See Also == * [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]] * [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]] * [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}} [[Category:2012 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films about bears]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]] [[Category:Films set in forests]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] 06hfket92hsf3xshfvuqthmeyvtqpru 3155640 3155638 2022-08-17T21:05:42Z UDScott 4304 /* Tagline */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a 12-year-old boy who searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]. Co-directed by [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]], based on [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]] by [[Dr. Seuss]].'' <center>'''Meet the original force of nature.'''</center> == The Lorax == * I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. * Who taught you guys how to steal a bed? * ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya! * ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots. * ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean. == Ted == * ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. * I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]'' == Audrey == * ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk. * What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard. == The Once-ler == * ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world. * Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]'' * Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax. * ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir! * Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry. * ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?! * ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not. * ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy. * ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing "Let it Grow" and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted. == Mr. O'Hare == * ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to. * You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body! * You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever. * Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts "Damn it!"]'' * Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts! * ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!''' * ''[last words as he sings "Let It Die"]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh? == Dialogue == :'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do? :'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler. :'''Ted''': The what? :'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK? :'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in! :'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant. :'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me? :'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom. :'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him. :'''Ted''': The Once-ler? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]'' :'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?! :'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. :'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out. :'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no! :'''Once-ler''': Trees? :'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello? :'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees. :'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa! :'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}} :'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]'' :'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] <big>'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''</big> [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000. :'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. :'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago. :'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe? :'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree? :'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.) :'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, <big>''long''</big> time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute. :'''Once-ler''': Excuse me? :'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one. :'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm? :'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey! :''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]'' :'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree? :'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it. :'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! :'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]'' :'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that? :'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]'' :'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man? :'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole! :'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day. :''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]'' :'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures? :''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]'' :'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground! :''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]'' :'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame! :''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it. :'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]'' :'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks. :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay. :'''The Lorax''': You have been warned. :''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs? :'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it? :'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No! :'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl. :'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. :'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''. :'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life! :'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal. :'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)'' :'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you. :'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. :'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away. :'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done. :'''The Once-ler''': "No harm done", "no harm done"? Ugh, okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it! :'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night. :'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees. :'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]'' :'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed! :'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? :'''The Once-ler''': "Garbage"? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first. :'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing. :'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo. :''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]'' :'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar? :'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]'' :'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat. :'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one. :'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut? :'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose! :'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman. :'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more? :'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote "powers" to stop me? :'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now! :'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable, remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be? :'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!''' :''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]'' :'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted. :'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi. :'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk. :'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over. :'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room. :'''Ted''': No, no, no! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed! :'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room! :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it! :'''Bernice''': What is going on here? :'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs! :'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous. :'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]'' :'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here? :'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it? :'''Bernice''': Seed? :''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]'' :'''Ted''': Where's Grammy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]'' :'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that! :'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]'' :'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down. * We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained. :* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ "Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'"], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz, ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012. == Cast == * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler * [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted * [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey * [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice * [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty * [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella * [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda * [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb * [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett & Chet == See Also == * [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]] * [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]] * [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]] == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}} [[Category:2012 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films about bears]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]] [[Category:Films set in forests]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] mfrgk4ez3nrpnq83shp5ma1253zjcqc 0 134741 3155615 2992198 2022-08-17T19:31:39Z Ruatcaelum 3081427 /* Sourced */ Added quotes from The Metaphysical Theory of the State wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Leonard Trelawny Hobhouse , c1910.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Leonard Trelawny Hobhouse|Leonard Trelawny Hobhouse]]<br>To move towards harmony is the persistent impulse of the rational being, even if the goal lies always beyond the reach of accomplished effort.]] '''[[w:Leonard Trelawny Hobhouse|Leonard Trelawny Hobhouse]]''' ([[8 September]] [[1864]] – [[21 June]] [[1929]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:liberalism|liberal]] [[w:politician|politician]] and [[w:sociologist|sociologist]], who has been considered one of the leading and earliest proponents of [[w:social liberalism|social liberalism]]. His works, alongside that of writers such as [[w:Thomas Hill Green|T.H. Green]] and [[w:John A. Hobson|John A. Hobson]], occupy a seminal position within the canon of [[w:Liberal socialism|New Liberalism]]. ==Sourced== === ''Liberalism'' (1911)=== * The modern state is the distinctive product of a unique civilization. But it is a product which is still in the making, and a part of the process is a struggle between old and new principles of social order. ** Chapter I, Before Liberalism, p. 9. * At all times men have lived in societies, and ties of kinship and of simple neighbourhood underlie every form of social organization. ** Chapter I, Before Liberalism, p. 9. * Both logically and historically the first point of attack is arbitrary government, and the first liberty to be secured is the right to be dealt with in accordance with law. A man who has no legal rights against another, but stands entirely at his disposal, to be treated according to his caprice, is a slave to that other. ** Chapter II, The Elements of Liberalism, p. 16. * The first condition of universal freedom, that is to say, is a measure of universal restraint. Without such restraint some men may be free but others will be unfree. ** Chapter II, The Elements of Liberalism, p. 17. * '''If there is one law for the Government and another for it's subjects, one for noble and another for commoner, one for rich and another for poor, the law does not guarantee liberty for all.''' ** Chapter II, The Elements of Liberalism, p. 17. * Great changes are not caused by ideas alone; but they are not effected without ideas. ** Chapter III, The Movement Of Theory, p. 30. * '''To be effective men must act together, and to act together they must have a common understanding and a common object.''' ** Chapter III, The Movement Of Theory, p. 30. * The more the individual receives free scope for the play of his faculties, the more rapidly will society as a whole advance. ** Chapter III, The Movement Of Theory, p. 34. [[File:Breaker boys. Smallest is Angelo Ross. Hughestown Borough Coal Co. Pittston, Pa. - NARA - 523384.jpg|right|225px|thumb|If the child was helpless, was the grown up person, man or woman, in a much better position?]] * '''Government must keep the ring, and leave it for individuals to play the game.''' ** Chapter III, The Movement Of Theory, p. 34 . * If the child was helpless, was the grown up person, man or woman, in a much better position? ** Chapter IV, "Laissez - Faire", p. 46. * The more a class is brought low, the greater its difficulty in rising again without assistance. For purposes of legislation the State has been exceedingly slow to accept this view. ** Chapter IV, "Laissez - Faire", p. 47. * True consent is free consent, and full freedom of consent implies equality on the part of both parties to bargain. ** Chapter IV, "Laissez - Faire", p. 50. * '''He is a citizen of the world in that he represents his nation, which is a member of the community of the world.''' ** Chapter V, Gladstone And Mill, p. 56. *There is no line drawn beyond which human obligations cease. There is no gulf across which the voice of human suffering cannot be heard, beyond which massacre and torture cease to be execrable. Simply as a patriot, again, a man should recognize that a nation may become great not merely by painting the map red, or extending her commerce beyond all precedent, but also as the champion of justice, the succourer of the oppressed, the established home of freedom. ** Chapter V, Gladstone And Mill * Compulsion may be necessary for the purposes of external order, but it adds nothing to the inward life that is the true being of a man. ** Chapter V, Gladstone And Mill, p. 60. * The Liberal does not meet opinions which he conceives to be false with toleration, as though they did not matter. He meets them with justice, and exacts for them a fair hearing as though they mattered just as much as his own. ** Chapter VI, The Heart Of Liberalism, p. 63. * '''The foundation of liberty is the idea of growth.''' ** Chapter VI, The Heart Of Liberalism, p. 66. * '''To move towards harmony is the persistent impulse of the rational being, even if the goal lies always beyond the reach of accomplished effort.''' ** Chapter VI, The Heart Of Liberalism, p. 69. * Does scope for individual development, for example, consort with idea of equality? ** Chapter VII, The State And The Individual, p. 74 . * The fancied clearness of Utopian vision is illusory, because its objects are artificial ideas and not living facts. ** Chapter VIII, Economic Liberalism, p. 89. * Other great sources of wealth are found in financial and speculative operations, often of distinctly anti-social tendency and possible only through the defective organization of our economy. ** Chapter VIII, Economic Liberalism, p. 97. [[File:The Colosseum.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Government must keep the ring, and leave it for individuals to play the game.]] * In modern industry there is very little that the individual can do by his unaided efforts. ** Chapter VIII, Economic Liberalism, p. 99. * What we possess has its intrinsic value, but how we came to possess it is also an important question. ** Chapter IX, The Future Of Liberalism, p. 117. * Some men are much better and wiser than others, but experience seems to show that hardly any man is so much better than or wiser than others that he can permanently stand the test of irresponsible power over them. ** Chapter IX, The Future Of Liberalism, p. 118. * '''We need less of the fanatics of sectarianism and more of the unifying mind.''' ** Chapter IX, The Future Of Liberalism, p. 126-127. === ''The Metaphysical Theory of the State'' (1914) === * '''The best and the worst things that men do they do in the name of a religion.''' Some have supposed that only supernatural religion could mislead. The history of our own time shows that if men no longer believe in God they will make themselves gods of Power, of Evolution, of the Race, the Nation, or the State. In the name of such gods will they drench a continent with blood, and the youth will offer themselves up as willing martyrs. ** Conclusion, p. 134 * Theories of politics or of conduct that live long and retain influence have something more than theory behind them. They appeal to powerful instincts and interests, and the [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegelian]] philosophy is no exception. It appeals to the instincts and interests of counsellors and kings, of privileged classes, of Property and Order. ... It appeals to the slavishness which accepts a master if he will give the slave a share of tyranny over others more deeply enslaved. It satisfies national egotism and class ascendancy. ** Conclusion, pp. 134-135 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hobhouse, Leonard Trelawny}} [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Sociologists]] [[Category:1864 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:People from England]] r01czsn8csjq62miqkqxxosamve1j31 0 138371 3155656 3139005 2022-08-17T22:36:43Z 108.29.85.180 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[Thomas & Friends: The Great Race|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''{{w|Thomas and the Magic Railroad}}''''' (originally under a working title '''''Thomas and the Rainbow Railway''''') is a 2000 British-American-Canadian feature film based on the [[w:TV series|TV series]] - ''[[Thomas & Friends|Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends]]'', [[The Railway Series]] by the [[w:Rev. W. Awdry|Wilbert]] & {{w|Christopher Awdry}}, and the [[United States]] TV series - ''[[Shining Time Station]]''. This movie takes place between [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|Season 5]] and [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] of ''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends'', and after ''Shining Time Station'' ended. {{center|'''Take the magic journey.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Dialogue== :'''Gordon''': ''[waits at the station]'' 5, 6, 7, 8... :'''Thomas''': ''[pulls up beside Gordon]'' Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon. That's a good engine. :'''Gordon''': I'm counting how many seconds late you are. What does that sign say? :'''Thomas''': Hmm… ''[reads the sign]'' "Sodor Railway, really reliable and right on time. ''[Gordon scoffs]'' Signed, head of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt." :'''Gordon''': But you weren't on time, little Thomas. :'''Thomas''': And you're being bossy, Gordon. ''[Gordon scoffs again]'' Now, please excuse me. I'm meeting Mr. Conductor. He's looking after us while Sir Topham Hatt takes a much needed holiday. :'''Gordon''': Oh, I think we can take care of ourselves. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[rushes through the station]'' '''''GET OUT OF MY WAY!''''' I have unfinished business here, and I wanna finish it '''''FAST!''''' :'''Gordon''': ''[shivers]'' Diesel 10's back! :'''Thomas''': Yes, 10 out of 10 for devious deeds and brutal strength! The blast from the past who ''hates'' steam engines! :'''Gordon''': Maybe we do need Mr. Conductor here after all. On time! <hr width=60%> :'''James''': ''[A fly buzzing in his face]'' Sandal, fly! Boo, fly! Shoo, fly! That's it! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': ''[Mr. C appears at the junction]'' Oh, Mr. Conductor. Are you alright? <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Grandpa's been so sad since Grandma Tasha died, and he never comes here to see us. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Well, maybe your visit will cheer him up. Did you get his present? :'''Lily''': Here. I'm making him a friendship bracelet. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Honey, that's beautiful. :'''Lily''': But I'd rather just stay here with you. :'''Mrs. Stone''': I know. Come here. ''[she and Lily hug]'' :'''Lily''': I'm gonna go up this way. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Okay. Be careful. :'''Lily''': You always say that. :'''Mrs. Stone''': See you in a minute. :'''Lily''': You're coming with me to Grandpa's, Bluebird. I know how much you like to travel. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Wobbly wheels! :'''Thomas''': Puffy pistons! :'''James''': Thomas, ''I'' should have collected Mr. Conductor. :'''Gordon''': James is right, little Thomas. ''[chuckles]'' Collecting Mr. Conductor is an important job. Hmm? Important is big. James is a big engine. You, Thomas, are small. Small-small-small, teeny-weeny-weeny. And I, I'm a big blue engine, who knows everything. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Thomas''': Bossy sprockets! All that steam has gone through your funnel. Splatter: There they are. Dodge: We’ll fix their wagons. Mr. Conductor: [in Sir Topham Hatt’s office, reading a letter; in Sir Topham Hatt’s voice] “Dear, Mr. Conductor, where were you? My wife said she couldn’t miss our little holiday. We’ll telephone to make sure you have arrived. Sign: Sir Topham Hatt.” [pauses] Sir Topham Hatt. [takes the top-hat] Where were you? [telephone rings] <hr width=60%> :''[Mr. Conductor picks up a baseball bat]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[chuckles]'' So, who dropped the ball then? ''[catches a beach ball]'' Oh, there you are. I'd like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Would you fellas care to join me? No? What would you rather do instead? ''[to the beach ball]'' Go outside and play? Well, I can understand that. ''[to the bat]'' What do you think? ''[makes the bat hit the ball; mock disappointment]'' Why do you keep hitting him like that? You're gonna have to have a time out. ''[throws bat on his bed and makes his hot cocoa]'' :''[Diesel 10 appears and laughs evilly]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa]'' Just a little sweeter, I think. ''[adds sugar to cocoa]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Alright, Pinchy, my little bucket of badness, time to feast yourself. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa again, and is satisfied]'' Ahh. Now that's better. ''[Diesel 10 tears off part of the sheds]'' Whoa! ''[removes his night cap and puts on his conductor hat, as the steam engines wake up in alarm, and Diesel 10 tears off more of the sheds and laughs evilly]'' Ahh! Whoa! :'''Thomas''': ''[alarmed]'' Cinders and ashes! It's Diesel! :'''Gordon''': Diesel?! Oh, no! :''[Diesel 10 laughs evilly]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Hello, Twinkle Toes! I got a plan and you're not in it! :'''Mr. Conductor''': You can't catch me, Diesel! ''[blows on his whistle twice, but only a little gold comes out of it]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[laughs coldly]'' Losing your sparkle, huh? What perfect timing. Now where is that lost engine? :'''Mr. Conductor''': You won't find her here. :'''Diesel 10''': You're not clever enough to stop me. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, yes, I am! :'''Diesel 10''': No, you're not! Ah-- ''[sees Mr. Conductor hold up a bag of sugar]'' What–?! Is that...?! :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[grunts and chuffs away]'' Make the most of tonight, Twinkle Toes, because you won't like tomorrow! Neither will that... that line of tin kettles! ''[to his claw]'' Oh, shut up, Pinchy! :'''Thomas''': ''[after the diesel leaves]'' Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': I don't know, Thomas, I'll just have to sleep on that. :'''Thomas''': ''[confused]'' On your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': No, Thomas. On the problem of what happened to it. :'''Percy''': Oh, but Mr. Conductor, without your sparkle or the Lost Engine, you can't travel here to help us anymore. :'''Mr. Conductor''': I'll solve the problem. You just go to sleep now. :'''Percy''': Easy for you to say. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Left a bit. Right a bit. Up a bit. <hr width=60%> :'''Bertie''': Smile, you steamers. It's a sunny day. Vroom-vroom! :'''James''': It's not sunny, 'cause Mr. C's not at the windmill, I looked! :'''Thomas''': I think his sparkle's all gone. :'''Henry''': My smoke box doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up. :'''Gordon''': Nasty fumes from dingy Diesel! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Henry''': And Diesel is after the lost engine. :'''Toby''': And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all. :'''Gordon''': What, even an engine as big as me?! :'''Toby''': Yes, Gordon, even you. :'''Thomas''': AH-CHOO! :'''James''': Say it, don't spray it, Thomas! :'''Thomas''': I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now, I'm going to look for Mr. Conductor. ''[puffs off]'' :'''Toby''': Let us get back to work, that’s what he would want. <hr width=60%> :''[Junior's shell phone rings]'' :'''Junior''': ''[wakes up]'' That's my shell phone. ''[pulls off his headphones, and answers his shell phone]'' Hello? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior? Junior, is that you?! :'''Junior''': Oh, hi, Cous! Uh, are you in a tunnel? This isn't a very good line. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, where are you?! :'''Junior''': Um, I'm in paradise. I just got in Cloud 9 and here I am. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, listen to me. You've got to come to the Island of Sodor right now! :'''Junior''': Now? But I'm waiting on a perfect wave! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, no. You're not, you're coming here! ''[Junior sighs in annoyance]'' You have to help me find the source of all our family's gold dust. :'''Junior''': What is the source? :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's the trouble, Junior. I haven't a clue! :'''Junior''': And I've used up most of my gold dust, too. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[Junior sighs]'' Then go to Shining Time Station first. And in my signal-house in the box under the staircase, you'll find my emergency whistle with the last of my supply. Please take care of this, Junior, and... ''[quietly]'' Don't talk to anyone about the buffers. :'''Junior''': ''[loses the signal]'' What buffers? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Shh! :'''Junior''': This is a really bad line! Hello? '''MY SHELL PHONE'S NOT WORKING PROPERLY!''' :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, you've got to come here right away! I'M COUNTING ON YOU! :'''Junior''': Hello?! ''[throws out his phone]'' I want my money back. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': ''[singing]'' I've been working on the railway, all the livelong day [laughing] Yeah, who wants work on a livelong day anyway? :'''Toby''': ''[slips into the yard]'' There he is. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[to Splatter and Dodge who roll into the shed]'' Come in, come in, and join the party, Splodge. :'''Splatter and Dodge''': Hooray, hooray! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': Morning, Henry. What's the matter? :'''Henry''': I've got... ''[sniffs]'' Boiler ache. :'''Thomas''': And I'm collecting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you. :'''Henry''': Oh, thank you, Thomas. Special coal will make me feel... ''[sneezes]'' ...Much better! :'''Thomas''': ''[backs into the trucks]'' I wish I could make Mr. Conductor feel better, too, by finding him. :''[as Thomas pushes them in line, the rearmost truck goes zooming into a pair of buffers with a nearby tumbleweed and disappears into them; Thomas pulls the remaining trucks as Bertie passes by]'' :'''Bertie''': Hello, Thomas and your 5 coal trucks! Vroom-vroom! :'''Thomas''': 5? But I'm supposed to have 6. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': This must be the clue to unlock the source of the gold dust. "Stock up the magic in the mountain and the Lady will smile, then watch the swirls that spin so well." Oh, where's the writing gone? <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': What's blue, green, red, and goes, "Beep-beep!"? :'''Lily''': A parrot, and you mean, "Chirp-chirp". <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': ''[groans]'' Travel sickness. <hr width=60%> :''[Percy puffs into the night by Diesel 10's Mountain]'' :'''Percy''': I am brave. I am brave. Thomas says I'm brave, so I'm brave. Oh, it's not easy being brave. ''[sees Splatter and Dodge at the buffers]'' Shiver my pistons. There's Splatter and Dodge. Oh, they found the buffers! Oh, now what's going to happen? ''[a flock of birds fly by a tree]'' Ohh! :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[rolls along]'' Hey, partner. Excuse me, coming through, pardon me. :'''Percy''': Oh, that's just nothing. ''[a shed door opens slowly, then closes quickly]'' That nothing was something! :'''Splatter''': These must be the buffers Diesel's looking for. :'''Dodge''': Are we supposed to go through them? :'''Splatter''': Not we, you. :'''Dodge''': Not me, you. :'''Splatter''': This is a job for the boss. ''[an owl hoots, scaring them]'' We'll tell him tomorrow. :'''Dodge''': Yeah, tomorrow's good. :'''Percy''': ''[backs away]'' Oh, I'd better hurry back and warn Thomas. <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': But how could Lily go without gold dust? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Only in the lost engine. ''[gets an idea]'' Unless... :'''Thomas''': ''[nervously]'' Unless...? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Thomas, will ''you'', please, take Lily? :'''Thomas''': Through the buffers? But what if I go on the railway, and my wheels don't work? :'''Mr. Conductor''': But what if they do? :'''Thomas''': But what if, if…? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Yes…? :'''Thomas''': What if it's dark? :'''Mr. Conductor''': It will be for a while. :'''Thomas''': And cold? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Maybe. :'''Thomas''': And how will I get back again? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Because you're a really useful engine that will find a way. :'''Thomas''': ''[pauses, bravely agrees]'' Then, I'll try. :''[while approaching the old magic buffers]'' :'''Thomas''': I promise I'll get you home to your grandfather, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[starts leading Thomas to the buffers]'' Follow me, partner! :'''Thomas''': Whoa! :'''Tumbleweed''': Right this way to Bufferville, just a walk in the park! :'''Thomas''': We're going though, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': You're on your own from here on in, little blue buckaroo! Yee-hoo! ''[bounces off the track]'' :'''Thomas''': Little engines ''can'' do big things! ''[passes through the magic buffers]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Where's Grandpa? Can you take me to him? :'''Patch''': Jump up. <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': I'm sorry, Lily! I'm sorry, cous! I haven't been whatever is! Responsible, realible, really useful, but I will be! I WILL BE!!! ''[Diesel 10 races into the smelting shed, where James is, who screams in terror, as Diesel 10 screeches to a halt. Junior flings from through the air and land on top of James's cab]'' James! ''[recovers, gets out Mr. C's emergency whistles, and blows it, but it doesn't work]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[raises his claw]'' Ah! :'''James''': A-oh! :'''Diesel 10''': So, you've lost you sparkle, too, huh? ''[laugh coldly, as Junior shakes the whistle and tries to blow it again but fails]'' Bye-bye, Twinkle Toes! :'''Junior''': Oh, no! ''[pants]'' It's empty! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[threatening to push James and Junior into the smelting pit]'' Here we go! :'''James''': ''[reverses]'' Junior, what are we gonna do!? :'''Junior''': We'll think of something! ''[James gets closer to the buffers]'' :'''Diesel 10''': That's it! ''[laughs; James's tender starts pushing the buffers apart]'' :'''Junior''': ''[gets out his own whistle, preying]'' I'll find you more, Lily. I promise. If I'm gonna be any help at all, it's now or never. I've gotta use up the rest of this stuff. ''[the buffers break and fall into the pit]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Are you ready? :'''James''': No, we're not! :'''Junior''': James the Brains, get us outta here! ''[blows his whistle with the last of his used gold dust]'' :'''James''': Now, we are! ''[disappears with Junior]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[shocked]'' What the...? :''[Cut to the Sodor wishing well where Mr. Conductor is, James and Junior teleport here]'' :'''Junior''': Ya-ho! :'''James''': Ho-ya! ''[Junior clambers down]'' Ha! :'''Junior''': Bye, James. :'''James''': Bye, Junior. ''[puffs away]'' <hr width=60%> :''[Burnett shovels the coal into Lady's firebox and lots her fire. She soon makes plenty of steam boiling nicely as she puffs along with Lily, Patch, Burentt, and Mutt in her cab]'' :'''Lady''': ''[gets her face in the Magic Railroad]'' So, Burnett, you ''didn't'' forget about magic. It's safe inside you. ''[later; Thomas toots]'' :'''Lily''': Thomas! :'''Thomas''': You've found her, and she's beautiful! <hr width=60%> :''[after Thomas comes out of the Magic Buffers, Diesel 10, Splatter, and Dodge can see him with Lady]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Ah-ha! There's the blue puffball, and look who he's with! Splodge, come and destroy! :'''Splatter''': N-No, y-you do it yourself. :'''Dodge''': We don't like you. :'''Splatter''': Yeah, we mean that. :'''Dodge''': Emphatically. :'''Splatter''': Yeah. What does that mean? :'''Dodge''': I have no idea. :'''Splatter''': It's a good word. :'''Thomas''': Run, Lady! Quickly, and I'm going to help you! :'''Burnett''': ''[scrambles into Lady's cab]'' So am I, my Lady. I'll not let you down again. :'''Diesel 10''': Ahh, who needs you, Splodge? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Watch out for the viaduct, it's dangerous! ''[Lady and Thomas race on as Diesel 10 chases them from behind, laughing evilly. Mr. Conductor realizes something and screams]'' :'''Junior''': What's the matter? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Lady! That engine's name is Lady. She's part of the clue to the source of the gold dust! :'''Junior''':…Gold dust!? :''[Both pause and scream. Cut to Diesel 10 chasing Lady and Thomas]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Now, I'll get you, Burnett Stone! :'''Burnett''': No, you won't! Because the magic you refuse to believe in, will get the better of you. :'''Diesel 10''': You can run, but you can't hide! Right, Pinchy? ''[laughs, snaps his claw]'' Pinchy's hungry! :'''Thomas''': Ooh, get back! :'''Burnett''': C'mon, Lady. :'''Diesel 10''': Coming, Puffball! ''[laughs, chasing Lady and Thomas along the line, by the watermill]'' Look out! ''[the 3 engines race through a tunnel]'' Here I come! Duck, Pinchy! ''[lowers his claw and laughs; Lady and Thomas race under a bridge]'' I like my lunch steamed! ''[laughs and growls; the 3 race over a cargo train]'' Pretty fast, for a puffball! :''[Cut to the Big Dipper viaduct continuing to crumble, as Lady and Thomas approach]'' :'''Burnett''': Well, Lady, this is your Shining Time, too. :'''Lady''': I hope so! :'''Thomas''': C'mon, Lady! Little engines CAN do big things! :''[Lady and Thomas start to cross the bridge, as it breaks apart a bit and the keystones fall off. Lady makes it safely across the mid when a gap appears. Thomas bravely and carefully slows down and jumps the gap. The rest of the viaduct's mid collapses as Thomas safely makes it]'' :'''Burnett''': Well done, Thomas! Well done! ''[blows Lady's whistle, and Thomas toots back]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[notices the broken bridge]'' Huh-oh! ''[tries to brake]'' Ooh, what's going on!? ''[rolls down the broken end, the rails snap, and he tumbles down screaming, when his claw grabs onto a sleeper]'' Puffball! Teapot! ''[the sleeper breaks]'' TIN KETTTTTLLLLEEEEEE!!!!! ''[lands into a barge filled of sludge]'' Oh, well. Nice time of the year for a cruise. ''[chuckles weakly and gets towed away]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Wait a minute. :''[the conductors finally get their supply of magic gold dust]'' :'''Thomas''': Lady, you're a helpful engine. :'''Lady''': And helping each other brings to life the magic in all of us. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Hello? Oh, yes, Sir Topham Hatt, sir. <hr width=60%> :''[only line, as Thomas puffs happily home to tell everyone about his magical adventure]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[narrating]'': And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas. ==Taglines== * Pulling into theaters everywhere July 2000. * Take the magic journey. * Little Engines Can Do Big Things... ==Cast== ===Live-action=== * [[Alec Baldwin]] - Mr. Conductor * {{w|Mara Wilson}} - Lily Stone * {{w|Peter Fonda}} - Burnett Stone ** Jared Wall (young) * {{w|Michael E. Rodgers}} - C. Junior * {{w|Cody McMains}} - Patch ** {{w|Robert Tinkler}} (adult; uncredited) * {{w|Didi Conn}} - Stacy Jones * {{w|Russell Means}} - Billy Twofeathers * {{w|Lori Hallier}} - Mrs. Stone * Laura Bower - Tasha Stone * {{w|Doug Lennox}} - P. T. Boomer (uncredited, some deleted scenes) ===Voices=== * [[w:Edward Glen|Eddie Glen]] - Thomas * {{w|Neil Crone}} - A tumbleweed (uncredited), Diesel 10, Splatter and Gordon * {{w|Kevin Frank}} - Dodge, Henry, Bertie and Harold * {{w|Britt Allcroft}} - Lady * {{w|Linda Ballantyne}} - Percy * {{w|Susan Roman}} - James * {{w|Colm Feore}} - Toby * Shelley-Elizabeth Skinner - Annie and Clarabel ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0205461}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Canadian films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] nxwnanf5qy5eo5lrjzo8ecgaay7xm8n 3155658 3155656 2022-08-17T22:45:32Z 108.29.85.180 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[Thomas & Friends: The Great Race|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''{{w|Thomas and the Magic Railroad}}''''' (originally under a working title '''''Thomas and the Rainbow Railway''''') is a 2000 British-American-Canadian feature film based on the [[w:TV series|TV series]] - ''[[Thomas & Friends|Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends]]'', [[The Railway Series]] by the [[w:Rev. W. Awdry|Wilbert]] & {{w|Christopher Awdry}}, and the [[United States]] TV series - ''[[Shining Time Station]]''. This movie takes place between [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|Season 5]] and [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] of ''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends'', and after ''Shining Time Station'' ended. {{center|'''Take the magic journey.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Dialogue== :'''Gordon''': ''[waits at the station]'' 5, 6, 7, 8... :'''Thomas''': ''[pulls up beside Gordon]'' Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon. That's a good engine. :'''Gordon''': I'm counting how many seconds late you are. What does that sign say? :'''Thomas''': Hmm… ''[reads the sign]'' "Sodor Railway, really reliable and right on time. ''[Gordon scoffs]'' Signed, head of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt." :'''Gordon''': But you weren't on time, little Thomas. :'''Thomas''': And you're being bossy, Gordon. ''[Gordon scoffs again]'' Now, please excuse me. I'm meeting Mr. Conductor. He's looking after us while Sir Topham Hatt takes a much needed holiday. :'''Gordon''': Oh, I think we can take care of ourselves. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[rushes through the station]'' '''''GET OUT OF MY WAY!''''' I have unfinished business here, and I wanna finish it '''''FAST!''''' :'''Gordon''': ''[shivers]'' Diesel 10's back! :'''Thomas''': Yes, 10 out of 10 for devious deeds and brutal strength! The blast from the past who ''hates'' steam engines! :'''Gordon''': Maybe we do need Mr. Conductor here after all. On time! <hr width=60%> :'''James''': ''[A fly buzzing in his face]'' Sandal, fly! Boo, fly! Shoo, fly! That's it! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': ''[Mr. C appears at the junction]'' Oh, Mr. Conductor. Are you alright? <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Grandpa's been so sad since Grandma Tasha died, and he never comes here to see us. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Well, maybe your visit will cheer him up. Did you get his present? :'''Lily''': Here. I'm making him a friendship bracelet. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Honey, that's beautiful. :'''Lily''': But I'd rather just stay here with you. :'''Mrs. Stone''': I know. Come here. ''[she and Lily hug]'' :'''Lily''': I'm gonna go up this way. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Okay. Be careful. :'''Lily''': You always say that. :'''Mrs. Stone''': See you in a minute. :'''Lily''': You're coming with me to Grandpa's, Bluebird. I know how much you like to travel. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Wobbly wheels! :'''Thomas''': Puffy pistons! :'''James''': Thomas, ''I'' should have collected Mr. Conductor. :'''Gordon''': James is right, little Thomas. ''[chuckles]'' Collecting Mr. Conductor is an important job. Hmm? Important is big. James is a big engine. You, Thomas, are small. Small-small-small, teeny-weeny-weeny. And I, I'm a big blue engine, who knows everything. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Thomas''': Bossy sprockets! All that steam has gone through your funnel. Splatter: There they are. Dodge: We’ll fix their wagons. Mr. Conductor: [in Sir Topham Hatt’s office, reading a letter; in Sir Topham Hatt’s voice] “Dear, Mr. Conductor, where were you? My wife said she couldn’t miss our little holiday. We’ll telephone to make sure you have arrived. Sign: Sir Topham Hatt.” [pauses] Sir Topham Hatt. [takes the top-hat] Where were you? [telephone rings] <hr width=60%> :''[Mr. Conductor picks up a baseball bat]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[chuckles]'' So, who dropped the ball then? ''[catches a beach ball]'' Oh, there you are. I'd like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Would you fellas care to join me? No? What would you rather do instead? ''[to the beach ball]'' Go outside and play? Well, I can understand that. ''[to the bat]'' What do you think? ''[makes the bat hit the ball; mock disappointment]'' Why do you keep hitting him like that? You're gonna have to have a time out. ''[throws bat on his bed and makes his hot cocoa]'' :''[Diesel 10 appears in the yard outside and laughs evilly]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa]'' Just a little sweeter, I think. ''[adds sugar to cocoa]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Alright, Pinchy, my little bucket of badness, time to feast yourself. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa again, and is satisfied]'' Ahh. Now that's better. ''[Diesel 10 tears off part of the sheds’ construction ]'' Whoa! ''[removes his night cap and puts on his conductor hat, as the steam engines wake up in alarm, and Diesel 10 tears off more of the sheds and laughs evilly]'' Ahh! Whoa! :'''Thomas''': ''[alarmed]'' Cinders and ashes! It's Diesel! :'''Gordon''': Diesel?! Oh, no! :''[Diesel 10 laughs evilly]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Hello, Twinkle Toes! I got a plan and you're not in it! :'''Mr. Conductor''': You can't catch me, Diesel! ''[blows on his whistle twice, but only a little gold comes out of it]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[laughs coldly]'' Losing your sparkle, huh? What perfect timing. Now where is that lost engine? :'''Mr. Conductor''': You won't find her here. :'''Diesel 10''': You're not clever enough to stop me. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, yes, I am! :'''Diesel 10''': No, you're not! Ah-- ''[sees Mr. Conductor hold up a bag of sugar, threatening him with him]'' What–?! Is that...?! :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[grunts and chuffs away]'' Make the most of tonight, Twinkle Toes, because you won't like tomorrow! Neither will that... that line of tin kettles! ''[to his claw]'' Oh, shut up, Pinchy! :'''Thomas''': ''[after the diesel leaves]'' Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': I don't know, Thomas, I'll just have to sleep on that. :'''Thomas''': ''[confused]'' On your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': No, Thomas. On the problem of what happened to it. :'''Percy''': Oh, but Mr. Conductor, without your sparkle or the Lost Engine, you can't travel here to help us anymore. :'''Mr. Conductor''': I'll solve the problem. You just go to sleep now. :'''Percy''': Easy for you to say. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Left a bit. Right a bit. Up a bit. <hr width=60%> :'''Bertie''': Smile, you steamers. It's a sunny day. Vroom-vroom! :'''James''': It's not sunny, 'cause Mr. C's not at the windmill, I looked! :'''Thomas''': I think his sparkle's all gone. :'''Henry''': My smoke-box doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up. :'''Gordon''': Nasty fumes from dingy Diesel! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Henry''': And Diesel is after the lost engine. :'''Toby''': And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all. :'''Gordon''': What, even an engine as big as me?! :'''Toby''': Yes, Gordon, even you. :'''Thomas''': AH-CHOO! :'''James''': Say it, don't spray it, Thomas! :'''Thomas''': I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now, I'm going to look for Mr. Conductor. ''[puffs off]'' :'''Toby''': Let us get back to work, that’s what he would want. <hr width=60%> :''[Junior's shell phone rings]'' :'''Junior''': ''[wakes up]'' That's my shell phone. ''[pulls off his headphones, and answers his shell phone]'' Hello? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior? Junior, is that you?! :'''Junior''': Oh, hi, Cous! Uh, are you in a tunnel? This isn't a very good line. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, where are you?! :'''Junior''': Um, I'm in paradise. I just got in Cloud 9 and here I am. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, listen to me. You've got to come to the Island of Sodor right now! :'''Junior''': Now? But I'm waiting on a perfect wave! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, no. You're not, you're coming here! ''[Junior sighs in annoyance]'' You have to help me find the source of all our family's gold dust. :'''Junior''': What is the source? :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's the trouble, Junior. I haven't a clue! :'''Junior''': And I've used up most of my gold dust, too. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[Junior sighs]'' Then go to Shining Time Station first. And in my signal-house in the box under the staircase, you'll find my emergency whistle with the last of my supply. Please take care of this, Junior, and... ''[quietly]'' Don't talk to anyone about the buffers. :'''Junior''': ''[loses the signal]'' What buffers? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Shh! :'''Junior''': This is a really bad line! Hello? '''MY SHELL PHONE'S NOT WORKING PROPERLY!''' :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, you've got to come here right away! I'M COUNTING ON YOU! :'''Junior''': Hello?! ''[throws out his phone]'' I want my money back. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': ''[singing]'' I've been working on the railway, all the livelong day [laughing] Yeah, who wants work on a livelong day anyway? :'''Toby''': ''[slips into the yard]'' There he is. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[to Splatter and Dodge who roll into the shed]'' Come in, come in, and join the party, Splodge. :'''Splatter and Dodge''': Hooray, hooray! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': Morning, Henry. What's the matter? :'''Henry''': I've got... ''[sniffs]'' Boiler ache. :'''Thomas''': And I'm collecting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you. :'''Henry''': Oh, thank you, Thomas. Special coal will make me feel... ''[sneezes]'' ...Much better! :'''Thomas''': ''[backs into the trucks]'' I wish I could make Mr. Conductor feel better, too, by finding him. :''[as Thomas pushes them in line, the rearmost truck goes zooming into a pair of buffers with a nearby tumbleweed and disappears into them; Thomas pulls the remaining trucks as Bertie passes by]'' :'''Bertie''': Hello, Thomas and your 5 coal trucks! Vroom-vroom! :'''Thomas''': 5? But I'm supposed to have 6. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': This must be the clue to unlock the source of the gold dust. "Stock up the magic in the mountain and the Lady will smile, then watch the swirls that spin so well." Oh, where's the writing gone? <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': What's blue, green, red, and goes, "Beep-beep!"? :'''Lily''': A parrot, and you mean, "Chirp-chirp". <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': ''[groans]'' Travel sickness. <hr width=60%> :''[Percy puffs into the night by Diesel 10's Mountain]'' :'''Percy''': I am brave. I am brave. Thomas says I'm brave, so I'm brave. Oh, it's not easy being brave. ''[sees Splatter and Dodge at the buffers]'' Shiver my pistons. There's Splatter and Dodge. Oh, they found the buffers! Oh, now what's going to happen? ''[a flock of birds fly by a tree]'' Ohh! :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[rolls along]'' Hey, partner. Excuse me, coming through, pardon me. :'''Percy''': Oh, that's just nothing. ''[a shed door opens slowly, then closes quickly]'' That nothing was something! :'''Splatter''': These must be the buffers Diesel's looking for. :'''Dodge''': Are we supposed to go through them? :'''Splatter''': Not we, you. :'''Dodge''': Not me, you. :'''Splatter''': This is a job for the boss. ''[an owl hoots, scaring them]'' We'll tell him tomorrow. :'''Dodge''': Yeah, tomorrow's good. :'''Percy''': ''[backs away]'' Oh, I'd better hurry back and warn Thomas. <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': But how could Lily go without gold dust? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Only in the lost engine. ''[gets an idea]'' Unless... :'''Thomas''': ''[nervously]'' Unless...? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Thomas, will ''you'', please, take Lily? :'''Thomas''': Through the buffers? But what if I go on the railway, and my wheels don't work? :'''Mr. Conductor''': But what if they do? :'''Thomas''': But what if, if…? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Yes…? :'''Thomas''': What if it's dark? :'''Mr. Conductor''': It will be for a while. :'''Thomas''': And cold? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Maybe. :'''Thomas''': And how will I get back again? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Because you're a really useful engine that will find a way. :'''Thomas''': ''[pauses, bravely agrees]'' Then, I'll try. :''[while approaching the old magic buffers]'' :'''Thomas''': I promise I'll get you home to your grandfather, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[starts leading Thomas to the buffers]'' Follow me, partner! :'''Thomas''': Whoa! :'''Tumbleweed''': Right this way to Bufferville, just a walk in the park! :'''Thomas''': We're going though, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': You're on your own from here on in, little blue buckaroo! Yee-hoo! ''[bounces off the track]'' :'''Thomas''': Little engines ''can'' do big things! ''[passes through the magic buffers]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Where's Grandpa? Can you take me to him? :'''Patch''': Jump up. <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': I'm sorry, Lily! I'm sorry, cous! I haven't been whatever is! Responsible, realible, really useful, but I will be! I WILL BE!!! ''[Diesel 10 races into the smelting shed, where James is, who screams in terror, as Diesel 10 screeches to a halt. Junior flings from through the air and land on top of James's cab]'' James! ''[recovers, gets out Mr. C's emergency whistles, and blows it, but it doesn't work]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[raises his claw]'' Ah! :'''James''': A-oh! :'''Diesel 10''': So, you've lost you sparkle, too, huh? ''[laugh coldly, as Junior shakes the whistle and tries to blow it again but fails]'' Bye-bye, Twinkle Toes! :'''Junior''': Oh, no! ''[pants]'' It's empty! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[threatening to push James and Junior into the smelting pit]'' Here we go! :'''James''': ''[reverses]'' Junior, what are we gonna do!? :'''Junior''': We'll think of something! ''[James gets closer to the buffers]'' :'''Diesel 10''': That's it! ''[laughs; James's tender starts pushing the buffers apart]'' :'''Junior''': ''[gets out his own whistle, preying]'' I'll find you more, Lily. I promise. If I'm gonna be any help at all, it's now or never. I've gotta use up the rest of this stuff. ''[the buffers break and fall into the pit]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Are you ready? :'''James''': No, we're not! :'''Junior''': James the Brains, get us outta here! ''[blows his whistle with the last of his used gold dust]'' :'''James''': Now, we are! ''[disappears with Junior]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[shocked]'' What the...? :''[Cut to the Sodor wishing well where Mr. Conductor is, James and Junior teleport here]'' :'''Junior''': Ya-ho! :'''James''': Ho-ya! ''[Junior clambers down]'' Ha! :'''Junior''': Bye, James. :'''James''': Bye, Junior. ''[puffs away]'' <hr width=60%> :''[Burnett shovels the coal into Lady's firebox and lots her fire. She soon makes plenty of steam boiling nicely as she puffs along with Lily, Patch, Burentt, and Mutt in her cab]'' :'''Lady''': ''[gets her face in the Magic Railroad]'' So, Burnett, you ''didn't'' forget about magic. It's safe inside you. ''[later; Thomas toots]'' :'''Lily''': Thomas! :'''Thomas''': You've found her, and she's beautiful! <hr width=60%> :''[after Thomas comes out of the Magic Buffers, Diesel 10, Splatter, and Dodge can see him with Lady]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Ah-ha! There's the blue puffball, and look who he's with! Splodge, come and destroy! :'''Splatter''': N-No, y-you do it yourself. :'''Dodge''': We don't like you. :'''Splatter''': Yeah, we mean that. :'''Dodge''': Emphatically. :'''Splatter''': Yeah. What does that mean? :'''Dodge''': I have no idea. :'''Splatter''': It's a good word. :'''Thomas''': Run, Lady! Quickly, and I'm going to help you! :'''Burnett''': ''[scrambles into Lady's cab]'' So am I, my Lady. I'll not let you down again. :'''Diesel 10''': Ahh, who needs you, Splodge? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Watch out for the viaduct, it's dangerous! ''[Lady and Thomas race on as Diesel 10 chases them from behind, laughing evilly. Mr. Conductor realizes something and screams]'' :'''Junior''': What's the matter? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Lady! That engine's name is Lady. She's part of the clue to the source of the gold dust! :'''Junior''':…Gold dust!? :''[Both pause and scream. Cut to Diesel 10 chasing Lady and Thomas]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Now, I'll get you, Burnett Stone! :'''Burnett''': No, you won't! Because the magic you refuse to believe in, will get the better of you. :'''Diesel 10''': You can run, but you can't hide! Right, Pinchy? ''[laughs, snaps his claw]'' Pinchy's hungry! :'''Thomas''': Ooh, get back! :'''Burnett''': C'mon, Lady. :'''Diesel 10''': Coming, Puffball! ''[laughs, chasing Lady and Thomas along the line, by the watermill]'' Look out! ''[the 3 engines race through a tunnel]'' Here I come! Duck, Pinchy! ''[lowers his claw and laughs; Lady and Thomas race under a bridge]'' I like my lunch steamed! ''[laughs and growls; the 3 race over a cargo train]'' Pretty fast, for a puffball! :''[Cut to the Big Dipper viaduct continuing to crumble, as Lady and Thomas approach]'' :'''Burnett''': Well, Lady, this is your Shining Time, too. :'''Lady''': I hope so! :'''Thomas''': C'mon, Lady! Little engines CAN do big things! :''[Lady and Thomas start to cross the bridge, as it breaks apart a bit and the keystones fall off. Lady makes it safely across the mid when a gap appears. Thomas bravely and carefully slows down and jumps the gap. The rest of the viaduct's mid collapses as Thomas safely makes it]'' :'''Burnett''': Well done, Thomas! Well done! ''[blows Lady's whistle, and Thomas toots back]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[notices the broken bridge]'' Huh-oh! ''[tries to brake]'' Ooh, what's going on!? ''[rolls down the broken end, the rails snap, and he tumbles down screaming, when his claw grabs onto a sleeper]'' Puffball! Teapot! ''[the sleeper breaks]'' TIN KETTTTTLLLLEEEEEE!!!!! ''[lands into a barge filled of sludge]'' Oh, well. Nice time of the year for a cruise. ''[chuckles weakly and gets towed away]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Wait a minute. :''[the conductors finally get their supply of magic gold dust]'' :'''Thomas''': Lady, you're a helpful engine. :'''Lady''': And helping each other brings to life the magic in all of us. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Hello? Oh, yes, Sir Topham Hatt, sir. <hr width=60%> :''[final line, as Thomas puffs happily home to tell everyone about his magical adventure]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[narrating]'': And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas. ==Taglines== * Pulling into theaters everywhere July 2000. * Take the magic journey. * Little Engines Can Do Big Things... ==Cast== ===Live-action=== * [[Alec Baldwin]] - Mr. Conductor * {{w|Mara Wilson}} - Lily Stone * {{w|Peter Fonda}} - Burnett Stone ** Jared Wall (young) * {{w|Michael E. Rodgers}} - C. Junior * {{w|Cody McMains}} - Patch ** {{w|Robert Tinkler}} (adult; uncredited) * {{w|Didi Conn}} - Stacy Jones * {{w|Russell Means}} - Billy Twofeathers * {{w|Lori Hallier}} - Mrs. Stone * Laura Bower - Tasha Stone * {{w|Doug Lennox}} - P. T. Boomer (uncredited, some deleted scenes) ===Voices=== * [[w:Edward Glen|Eddie Glen]] - Thomas * {{w|Neil Crone}} - A tumbleweed (uncredited), Diesel 10, Splatter and Gordon * {{w|Kevin Frank}} - Dodge, Henry, Bertie and Harold * {{w|Britt Allcroft}} - Lady * {{w|Linda Ballantyne}} - Percy * {{w|Susan Roman}} - James * {{w|Colm Feore}} - Toby * Shelley-Elizabeth Skinner - Annie and Clarabel ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0205461}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Canadian films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] 3wtmo94yl32e5afm089un9a9o1h5nop 3155678 3155658 2022-08-17T23:55:06Z 108.29.85.180 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[Thomas & Friends: The Great Race|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''{{w|Thomas and the Magic Railroad}}''''' (originally under a working title '''''Thomas and the Rainbow Railway''''') is a 2000 British-American-Canadian feature film based on the [[w:TV series|TV series]] - ''[[Thomas & Friends|Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends]]'', [[The Railway Series]] by the [[w:Rev. W. Awdry|Wilbert]] & {{w|Christopher Awdry}}, and the [[United States]] TV series - ''[[Shining Time Station]]''. This movie takes place between [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|Season 5]] and [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] of ''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends'', and after ''Shining Time Station'' ended. {{center|'''Take the magic journey.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} ==Dialogue== :'''Gordon''': ''[waits at the station]'' 5, 6, 7, 8... :'''Thomas''': ''[pulls up beside Gordon]'' Who do we appreciate? Practicing your numbers, Gordon. That's a good engine. :'''Gordon''': I'm counting how many seconds late you are. What does that sign say? :'''Thomas''': Hmm… ''[reads the sign]'' "Sodor Railway, really reliable and right on time. ''[Gordon scoffs]'' Signed, head of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt." :'''Gordon''': But you weren't on time, little Thomas. :'''Thomas''': And you're being bossy, Gordon. ''[Gordon scoffs again]'' Now, please excuse me. I'm meeting Mr. Conductor. He's looking after us while Sir Topham Hatt takes a much needed holiday. :'''Gordon''': Oh, I think we can take care of ourselves. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[rushes through the station]'' '''''GET OUT OF MY WAY!''''' I have unfinished business here, and I wanna finish it '''''FAST!''''' :'''Gordon''': ''[shivers]'' Diesel 10's back! :'''Thomas''': Yes, 10 out of 10 for devious deeds and brutal strength! The blast from the past who ''hates'' steam engines! :'''Gordon''': Maybe we do need Mr. Conductor here after all. On time! <hr width=60%> :'''James''': ''[A fly buzzing in his face]'' Sandal, fly! Boo, fly! Shoo, fly! That's it! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': ''[Mr. C appears at the junction]'' Oh, Mr. Conductor. Are you alright? <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Grandpa's been so sad since Grandma Tasha died, and he never comes here to see us. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Well, maybe your visit will cheer him up. Did you get his present? :'''Lily''': Here. I'm making him a friendship bracelet. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Honey, that's beautiful. :'''Lily''': But I'd rather just stay here with you. :'''Mrs. Stone''': I know. Come here. ''[she and Lily hug]'' :'''Lily''': I'm gonna go up this way. :'''Mrs. Stone''': Okay. Be careful. :'''Lily''': You always say that. :'''Mrs. Stone''': See you in a minute. :'''Lily''': You're coming with me to Grandpa's, Bluebird. I know how much you like to travel. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Wobbly wheels! :'''Thomas''': Puffy pistons! :'''James''': Thomas, ''I'' should've collected Mr. Conductor. :'''Gordon''': James is right, little Thomas. ''[chuckles]'' Collecting Mr. Conductor is an important job. Hmm? Important is big. James is a big engine. You, Thomas, are small. Small-small-small, teeny-weeny-weeny. And I, I'm a big blue engine, who knows everything. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Thomas''': Bossy sprockets! All that steam has gone through your funnel. :'''Splatter''': There they are. :'''Dodge''': We'll fix their wagons. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[in Sir Topham Hatt's office, reading a letter; in Sir Topham Hatt's voice]'' "Dear, Mr. Conductor, where were you? My wife said she couldn't miss our little holiday. We'll telephone to make sure you have arrived. Sign: Sir Topham Hatt." ''[pauses]'' Sir Topham Hatt. ''[takes the top-hat]'' Where were you? ''[telephone rings]'' Oh, good afternoon, sir! <hr width=60%> :''[Mr. Conductor picks up a baseball bat]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[chuckles]'' So, who dropped the ball then? ''[catches a beach ball]'' Oh, there you are. I'd like a nice cup of hot cocoa. Would you fellas care to join me? No? What would you rather do instead? ''[to the beach ball]'' Go outside and play? Well, I can understand that. ''[to the bat]'' What do you think? ''[makes the bat hit the ball; mock disappointment]'' Why do you keep hitting him like that? You're gonna have to have a time out. ''[throws bat on his bed and makes his hot cocoa]'' :''[Diesel 10 appears in the yard outside and laughs evilly]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa]'' Just a little sweeter, I think. ''[adds sugar to cocoa]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Alright, Pinchy, my little bucket of badness, time to feast yourself. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[sips cocoa again, and is satisfied]'' Ahh. Now that's better. ''[Diesel 10 tears off part of the sheds’ construction ]'' Whoa! ''[removes his night cap and puts on his conductor hat, as the steam engines wake up in alarm, and Diesel 10 tears off more of the sheds and laughs evilly]'' Ahh! Whoa! :'''Thomas''': ''[alarmed]'' Cinders and ashes! It's Diesel! :'''Gordon''': Diesel?! Oh, no! :''[Diesel 10 laughs evilly]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Hello, Twinkle Toes! I got a plan and you're not in it! :'''Mr. Conductor''': You can't catch me, Diesel! ''[blows on his whistle twice, but only a little gold comes out of it]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[laughs coldly]'' Losing your sparkle, huh? What perfect timing. Now where is that lost engine? :'''Mr. Conductor''': You won't find her here. :'''Diesel 10''': You're not clever enough to stop me. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, yes, I am! :'''Diesel 10''': No, you're not! Ah-- ''[sees Mr. Conductor hold up a bag of sugar, threatening him with him]'' What–?! Is that...?! :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[grunts and chuffs away]'' Make the most of tonight, Twinkle Toes, because you won't like tomorrow! Neither will that... that line of tin kettles! ''[to his claw]'' Oh, shut up, Pinchy! :'''Thomas''': ''[after the diesel leaves]'' Mr. Conductor, but what happened to your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': I don't know, Thomas, I'll just have to sleep on that. :'''Thomas''': ''[confused]'' On your sparkle? :'''Mr. Conductor''': No, Thomas. On the problem of what happened to it. :'''Percy''': Oh, but Mr. Conductor, without your sparkle or the Lost Engine, you can't travel here to help us anymore. :'''Mr. Conductor''': I'll solve the problem. You just go to sleep now. :'''Percy''': Easy for you to say. <hr width=60%> :'''James''': Left a bit. Right a bit. Up a bit. <hr width=60%> :'''Bertie''': Smile, you steamers. It's a sunny day. Vroom-vroom! :'''James''': It's not sunny, 'cause Mr. C's not at the windmill, I looked! :'''Thomas''': I think his sparkle's all gone. :'''Henry''': My smoke-box doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up. :'''Gordon''': Nasty fumes from dingy Diesel! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Henry''': And Diesel is after the lost engine. :'''Toby''': And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all. :'''Gordon''': What, even an engine as big as me?! :'''Toby''': Yes, Gordon, even you. :'''Thomas''': AH-CHOO! :'''James''': Say it, don't spray it, Thomas! :'''Thomas''': I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now, I'm going to look for Mr. Conductor. ''[puffs off]'' :'''Toby''': Let us get back to work, that’s what he would want. <hr width=60%> :''[Junior's shell phone rings]'' :'''Junior''': ''[wakes up]'' That's my shell phone. ''[pulls off his headphones, and answers his shell phone]'' Hello? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior? Junior, is that you?! :'''Junior''': Oh, hi, Cous! Uh, are you in a tunnel? This isn't a very good line. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, where are you?! :'''Junior''': Um, I'm in paradise. I just got in Cloud 9 and here I am. :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, listen to me. You've got to come to the Island of Sodor right now! :'''Junior''': Now? But I'm waiting on a perfect wave! :'''Mr. Conductor''': Oh, no. You're not, you're coming here! ''[Junior sighs in annoyance]'' You have to help me find the source of all our family's gold dust. :'''Junior''': What is the source? :'''Mr. Conductor''': That's the trouble, Junior. I haven't a clue! :'''Junior''': And I've used up most of my gold dust, too. :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[Junior sighs]'' Then go to Shining Time Station first. And in my signal-house in the box under the staircase, you'll find my emergency whistle with the last of my supply. Please take care of this, Junior, and... ''[quietly]'' Don't talk to anyone about the buffers. :'''Junior''': ''[loses the signal]'' What buffers? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Shh! :'''Junior''': This is a really bad line! HELLO? '''MY SHELL PHONE'S NOT WORKING PROPERLY!''' :'''Mr. Conductor''': Junior, you've got to come here right away! I'M COUNTING ON YOU! :'''Junior''': Hello?! ''[throws out his phone]'' I want my money back. <hr width=60%> :'''Diesel 10''': ''[singing]'' I've been working on the railway, all the livelong day [laughing] Yeah, who wants work on a livelong day anyway? :'''Toby''': ''[slips into the yard]'' There he is. :'''Diesel 10''': ''[to Splatter and Dodge who roll into the shed]'' Come in, come in, and join the party, Splodge. :'''Splatter and Dodge''': Hooray, hooray! <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': Morning, Henry. What's the matter? :'''Henry''': I've got... ''[sniffs]'' Boiler ache. :'''Thomas''': And I'm collecting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 trucks of special Island of Sodor coal for you. :'''Henry''': Oh, thank you, Thomas. Special coal will make me feel... ''[sneezes]'' ...Much better! :'''Thomas''': ''[backs into the trucks]'' I wish I could make Mr. Conductor feel better, too, by finding him. :''[as Thomas pushes them in line, the rearmost truck goes zooming into a pair of buffers with a nearby tumbleweed and disappears into them; Thomas pulls the remaining trucks as Bertie passes by]'' :'''Bertie''': Hello, Thomas and your 5 coal trucks! Vroom-vroom! :'''Thomas''': 5? But I'm supposed to have 6. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': This must be the clue to unlock the source of the gold dust. "Stock up the magic in the mountain and the Lady will smile, then watch the swirls that spin so well." Oh, where's the writing gone? <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': What's blue, green, red, and goes, "Beep-beep!"? :'''Lily''': A parrot, and you mean, "Chirp-chirp". <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': ''[groans]'' Travel sickness. <hr width=60%> :''[Percy puffs into the night by Diesel 10's Mountain]'' :'''Percy''': I am brave. I am brave. Thomas says I'm brave, so I'm brave. Oh, it's not easy being brave. ''[sees Splatter and Dodge at the buffers]'' Shiver my pistons. There's Splatter and Dodge. Oh, they found the buffers! Oh, now what's going to happen? ''[a flock of birds fly by a tree]'' Ohh! :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[rolls along]'' Hey, partner. Excuse me, coming through, pardon me. :'''Percy''': Oh, that's just nothing. ''[a shed door opens slowly, then closes quickly]'' That nothing was something! :'''Splatter''': These must be the buffers Diesel's looking for. :'''Dodge''': Are we supposed to go through them? :'''Splatter''': Not we, you. :'''Dodge''': Not me, you. :'''Splatter''': This is a job for the boss. ''[an owl hoots, scaring them]'' We'll tell him tomorrow. :'''Dodge''': Yeah, tomorrow's good. :'''Percy''': ''[backs away]'' Oh, I'd better hurry back and warn Thomas. <hr width=60%> :'''Thomas''': But how could Lily go without gold dust? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Only in the lost engine. ''[gets an idea]'' Unless... :'''Thomas''': ''[nervously]'' Unless...? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Thomas, will ''you'', please, take Lily? :'''Thomas''': Through the buffers? But what if I go on the railway, and my wheels don't work? :'''Mr. Conductor''': But what if they do? :'''Thomas''': But what if, if…? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Yes…? :'''Thomas''': What if it's dark? :'''Mr. Conductor''': It will be for a while. :'''Thomas''': And cold? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Maybe. :'''Thomas''': And how will I get back again? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Because you're a really useful engine that will find a way. :'''Thomas''': ''[pauses, bravely agrees]'' Then, I'll try. :''[while approaching the old magic buffers]'' :'''Thomas''': I promise I'll get you home to your grandfather, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': ''[starts leading Thomas to the buffers]'' Follow me, partner! :'''Thomas''': Whoa! :'''Tumbleweed''': Right this way to Bufferville, just a walk in the park! :'''Thomas''': We're going though, Lily. :'''Tumbleweed''': You're on your own from here on in, little blue buckaroo! Yee-hoo! ''[bounces off the track]'' :'''Thomas''': Little engines ''can'' do big things! ''[passes through the magic buffers]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Lily''': Where's Grandpa? Can you take me to him? :'''Patch''': Jump up. <hr width=60%> :'''Junior''': I'm sorry, Lily! I'm sorry, cous! I haven't been whatever is! Responsible, realible, really useful, but I will be! I WILL BE!!! ''[Diesel 10 races into the smelting shed, where James is, who screams in terror, as Diesel 10 screeches to a halt. Junior flings from through the air and land on top of James's cab]'' James! ''[recovers, gets out Mr. C's emergency whistles, and blows it, but it doesn't work]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[raises his claw]'' Ah! :'''James''': A-oh! :'''Diesel 10''': So, you've lost you sparkle, too, huh? ''[laugh coldly, as Junior shakes the whistle and tries to blow it again but fails]'' Bye-bye, Twinkle Toes! :'''Junior''': Oh, no! ''[pants]'' It's empty! :'''Diesel 10''': ''[threatening to push James and Junior into the smelting pit]'' Here we go! :'''James''': ''[reverses]'' Junior, what are we gonna do!? :'''Junior''': We'll think of something! ''[James gets closer to the buffers]'' :'''Diesel 10''': That's it! ''[laughs; James's tender starts pushing the buffers apart]'' :'''Junior''': ''[gets out his own whistle, preying]'' I'll find you more, Lily. I promise. If I'm gonna be any help at all, it's now or never. I've gotta use up the rest of this stuff. ''[the buffers break and fall into the pit]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Are you ready? :'''James''': No, we're not! :'''Junior''': James the Brains, get us outta here! ''[blows his whistle with the last of his used gold dust]'' :'''James''': Now, we are! ''[disappears with Junior]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[shocked]'' What the...? :''[Cut to the Sodor wishing well where Mr. Conductor is, James and Junior teleport here]'' :'''Junior''': Ya-ho! :'''James''': Ho-ya! ''[Junior clambers down]'' Ha! :'''Junior''': Bye, James. :'''James''': Bye, Junior. ''[puffs away]'' <hr width=60%> :''[Burnett shovels the coal into Lady's firebox and lots her fire. She soon makes plenty of steam boiling nicely as she puffs along with Lily, Patch, Burentt, and Mutt in her cab]'' :'''Lady''': ''[gets her face in the Magic Railroad]'' So, Burnett, you ''didn't'' forget about magic. It's safe inside you. ''[later; Thomas toots]'' :'''Lily''': Thomas! :'''Thomas''': You've found her, and she's beautiful! <hr width=60%> :''[after Thomas comes out of the Magic Buffers, Diesel 10, Splatter, and Dodge can see him with Lady]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Ah-ha! There's the blue puffball, and look who he's with! Splodge, come and destroy! :'''Splatter''': N-No, y-you do it yourself. :'''Dodge''': We don't like you. :'''Splatter''': Yeah, we mean that. :'''Dodge''': Emphatically. :'''Splatter''': Yeah. What does that mean? :'''Dodge''': I have no idea. :'''Splatter''': It's a good word. :'''Thomas''': Run, Lady! Quickly, and I'm going to help you! :'''Burnett''': ''[scrambles into Lady's cab]'' So am I, my Lady. I'll not let you down again. :'''Diesel 10''': Ahh, who needs you, Splodge? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Watch out for the viaduct, it's dangerous! ''[Lady and Thomas race on as Diesel 10 chases them from behind, laughing evilly. Mr. Conductor realizes something and screams]'' :'''Junior''': What's the matter? :'''Mr. Conductor''': Lady! That engine's name is Lady. She's part of the clue to the source of the gold dust! :'''Junior''':…Gold dust!? :''[Both pause and scream. Cut to Diesel 10 chasing Lady and Thomas]'' :'''Diesel 10''': Now, I'll get you, Burnett Stone! :'''Burnett''': No, you won't! Because the magic you refuse to believe in, will get the better of you. :'''Diesel 10''': You can run, but you can't hide! Right, Pinchy? ''[laughs, snaps his claw]'' Pinchy's hungry! :'''Thomas''': Ooh, get back! :'''Burnett''': C'mon, Lady. :'''Diesel 10''': Coming, Puffball! ''[laughs, chasing Lady and Thomas along the line, by the watermill]'' Look out! ''[the 3 engines race through a tunnel]'' Here I come! Duck, Pinchy! ''[lowers his claw and laughs; Lady and Thomas race under a bridge]'' I like my lunch steamed! ''[laughs and growls; the 3 race over a cargo train]'' Pretty fast, for a puffball! :''[Cut to the Big Dipper viaduct continuing to crumble, as Lady and Thomas approach]'' :'''Burnett''': Well, Lady, this is your Shining Time, too. :'''Lady''': I hope so! :'''Thomas''': C'mon, Lady! Little engines CAN do big things! :''[Lady and Thomas start to cross the bridge, as it breaks apart a bit and the keystones fall off. Lady makes it safely across the mid when a gap appears. Thomas bravely and carefully slows down and jumps the gap. The rest of the viaduct's mid collapses as Thomas safely makes it]'' :'''Burnett''': Well done, Thomas! Well done! ''[blows Lady's whistle, and Thomas toots back]'' :'''Diesel 10''': ''[notices the broken bridge]'' Huh-oh! ''[tries to brake]'' Ooh, what's going on!? ''[rolls down the broken end, the rails snap, and he tumbles down screaming, when his claw grabs onto a sleeper]'' Puffball! Teapot! ''[the sleeper breaks]'' TIN KETTTTTLLLLEEEEEE!!!!! ''[lands into a barge filled of sludge]'' Oh, well. Nice time of the year for a cruise. ''[chuckles weakly and gets towed away]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Wait a minute. :''[the conductors finally get their supply of magic gold dust]'' :'''Thomas''': Lady, you're a helpful engine. :'''Lady''': And helping each other brings to life the magic in all of us. <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Conductor''': Hello? Oh, yes, Sir Topham Hatt, sir. <hr width=60%> :''[final line, as Thomas puffs happily home to tell everyone about his magical adventure]'' :'''Mr. Conductor''': ''[narrating]'': And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas. ==Taglines== * Pulling into theaters everywhere July 2000. * Take the magic journey. * Little Engines Can Do Big Things... ==Cast== ===Live-action=== * [[Alec Baldwin]] - Mr. Conductor * {{w|Mara Wilson}} - Lily Stone * {{w|Peter Fonda}} - Burnett Stone ** Jared Wall (young) * {{w|Michael E. Rodgers}} - C. Junior * {{w|Cody McMains}} - Patch ** {{w|Robert Tinkler}} (adult; uncredited) * {{w|Didi Conn}} - Stacy Jones * {{w|Russell Means}} - Billy Twofeathers * {{w|Lori Hallier}} - Mrs. Stone * Laura Bower - Tasha Stone * {{w|Doug Lennox}} - P. T. Boomer (uncredited, some deleted scenes) ===Voices=== * [[w:Edward Glen|Eddie Glen]] - Thomas * {{w|Neil Crone}} - A tumbleweed (uncredited), Diesel 10, Splatter and Gordon * {{w|Kevin Frank}} - Dodge, Henry, Bertie and Harold * {{w|Britt Allcroft}} - Lady * {{w|Linda Ballantyne}} - Percy * {{w|Susan Roman}} - James * {{w|Colm Feore}} - Toby * Shelley-Elizabeth Skinner - Annie and Clarabel ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0205461}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Canadian films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] gerd7dhddgg1h90miq4k8s7j2wgeqch 0 140410 3155808 2935458 2022-08-18T10:08:35Z 92.201.80.17 /* The Last Days of Sodom (2012) */Added a few missing words crucial to the context wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Frankie Boyle|Frankie Boyle]]''' (born 16 August 1972) is a Scottish comedian and writer, known for his pessimistic and often crude sense of humour. He was a permanent panellist on the comedy panel show ''[[w:Mock the Week|Mock the Week]]'' for seven series and has made guest appearances on several other panel shows. ==Stand-up== ===''Frankie Boyle Live (2008)''=== * Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now; an alcoholic racist! * Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'. * I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to? ===''If I Could Reach Out Through Your TV and Strangle You, I Would (2010)''=== * The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. * They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon. ===''Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights (2010)''=== *Apparently Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting each other over custody of Harvey, well eventually one of them’ll lose and have to keep him. I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fucking her. * Ministry of Defence? At least in the old days we were honest, called it the Ministry of War. "Hello, Ministry of War, department of nigger-bombing. How can I help?" * Religion's just what we thought before we understood what mental illness was. "A bush talked to me!" "Brilliant, what did it say? What did the bush say? Let's live our lives by what the bush said!" You stupid fucking cunts. ===''The Last Days of Sodom (2012)''=== * You've got a blank face there pal, if you hold that expression for long enough in a hospital you'd get fucking switched off. * There's two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope they're dead in a fucking car crash! * TV's a fantasy, right? It's a middle class, bourgeois fantasy. You look at daytime TV and how aspirational it is, then ask yourself "who's watching daytime TV?" Benefit cheats, and prisoners. They don't buy and sell antiques. They don't renovate houses to sell them on. They don't have stuff in their attic and if they did have stuff in their attic, it'd be fucking [[w:Kidnapping of Shannon Matthews|Shannon Matthews]]. * * ''(on his previous "department of nigger-bombing" joke)'' That actually comes from a quote by [[David Lloyd George|Lloyd George]]. Lloyd George, when he was British Prime Minister, said "Britain reserves its right to bomb niggers". And that's an important quote, because once you hear that, you realise that Britain has always been racist from the top down. I thought it's worth using that in a joke for, it's worth using that word for. Guy came up to me after a gig in Glasgow, a white guy, and he said "I don't think that you should ever use the word nigger, in any context." And I said, "Well, you've just used it." And do you know what he said? He said what I kind of hope I would say in the same circumstances. He went "No, I didn't."<br>See, you can't really ban words, right? [[Ricky Gervais]] got in trouble for saying "mong", I don't know why he did it, he didn't seem to be able to make it very funny. You can't ban a word! Even a horrible word like that. That's like saying, "Let's just burn one book. Let's just burn ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. It's a horrible book, nobody likes it. At the point you burn ''Mein Kampf'', you're a fucking fascist society. And you're not even a proper fascist society, because you've burnt the fucking guide book! You're on marching about in peach military uniforms, invading Poundland. ''(adopts German accent)'' "Why did you burn the guide book? Why did you burn the guide book, you fucking spastic?!" "You can't call me that, Herr Groppenführer. That word has been banned. You must call me der Nincompoop!" ===''Give It Up for Comic Relief (2013)''=== * ''(Speaking about French and Italian tabloids printing naked topless photos of Kate Middleton)'' A family of billionaire perverts [the Royal Family] going nuts about a picture of a pair of tits. The hypocrisy of the British press, [mimicking British press] “oh we wouldn’t print these pictures of tits”. I had to go past pictures of tits to read about how you wouldn’t print pictures of tits. I went past good pictures of tits to read about some shit tits. The only reason Kate Middleton is pregnant is because her tits aren’t worth finishing on. * Comic relief raised £8 million last year. Britain sold hundreds of millions worth of weapons last year to Africa. So next year, one country in Africa will get blown to smithereens, and the next country along will get a visit from Lenny Henry. And both will feel bitterly jealous of each other. * ''(Speaking about Pope Benedict XVI's resignation)'' The Pope must have done something that even the Catholic church found unacceptable. My theory is that he fucked an adult woman. * I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she’d just fucking died. But they wouldn’t have been able to tell us that she’d died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it. ===''Excited for You to See and Hate This (2020)''=== * Hello you cunts, black power! * People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that ''you'' were all dead. * ''(Speaking about Comic Relief and charity)'' Look, there's a colonial side to British charity, it's true; look at Yemen, right? We're the number one provider of weapons and bombs and expertise to Saudi Arabia that they use to bomb Yemen, to engineer a famine in Yemen. At the same time, we're the number two provide of aid to Yemen - and why not? Life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid. * At least Theresa May went, she had to go didn't she? Towards the end she had all the authority of the "Do Not Tumble-dry" label. She always had the charm of a fucking war crime. Towards the end her body language had gone; I didn't realise it was possible to limp with both legs. So now we've got Boris Johnson; an evolutionary dead-end of the Honey Monster. A bin bag of albino body parts. A cross between the Incredible Hulk and a Haribo fried egg... is the fucking prime minister! The Prime Minister! It's not just that he's the worst person for the job, he might be the worst mammal! And let's not forget how they create these people; they're created in the public school system, that's where they lose their empathy. They're forged in the crucible of hierarchical sodomy. That's why they can't get along, the last time the cabinet saw eye-to-eye it was over the back of a weeping first year. Incidentally, I'm not one of those people who thinks there's a paedophile ring in Westminster, I think it's probably more of a queue. * You get these people, and they'll probably always be with us, who get offended by comedy. And I used to not mind until it occurred to me one day; most people who get offended at jokes watch porn! Like, pretty much all of them! There's someone right now watching torture porn going ''(mimicking someone masturbating)'' "I hope nobody makes a joke about a [[w:Rebecca Adlington|fuckin' swimmer's nose]]!" And then you get these people who defend comedy and say "oh this is a free speech issue", it's not a free speech issue; it's an artistic license issue. You're allowed to talk about it because it's not real on some level, right? There will always be people who won't get it, there's always those people who go "I think you'll find that if two blokes actually took a crocodile into a pub, there would be fucking carnage." But it's not real, so we get to joke about it. I think people sometimes get confused with how they use humour in their own life with what ''this'' is. So most people use humour as a form of politeness, as an ice breaker - this isn't that. This is sentences that end in a very surprising way. * ''(Speaking about jokes he made about the [[w:2012 Summer Paralympics Opening Ceremony|2012 Summer Paralympics Opening Ceremony]])'' The one that papers hated the most was "The Saudi Arabian Paralympic team [[w:Sharia Law|are mainly thieves]]." * I don't like people who lash out at jokes - at the same time, I don't like people who lash out at political correctness. I think it's lazy, and I think it sometimes encourages people to dismantle stuff that protects them. So I'll give you an example; there's a guy I talk to a lot in Glasgow, he's a homeless guy and he was an alcoholic - I suppose that's why I talk to him, because I was an alcoholic. ''(...)'' So I was talking to this guy the last time I saw him and I went "What would you say is your biggest problem in life at the minute?" and he went "Do you know what's my biggest problem, Frankie? It's all these fucking snowflakes in the media!" It can't be! It just literally fucking cannot be! You're sleeping rough in the streets of Glasgow, your biggest problem is actual flakes of fucking snow! * ''(Speaking about Ricky Gervais' joke about trans women)'' Now, I've got nothing but love for trans women, I've got nothing but love and support for trans folk in general. But they themselves would admit it's a very contentious issue that people try not to talk about, and Ricky Gervais obviously is a very powerful guy in show business. So nobody, really, who had the best years of their careers ahead of them... would tell you what they thought of that routine. Ricky Gervais, he does maybe fifteen minutes where he goes "well if a trans woman can say that they are a woman, I can say that I'm a chimpanzee, I'm a chimpanzee!" And my genuine reaction was; it's not ''that'' much weirder than Ricky Gervais saying that he's a stand-up comedian. I mean look, we know Ricky Gervais, he's a brilliant actor, he's a brilliant writer, he's not a fucking stand-up comedian! Just because Ricky Gervais self-identifies as a stand-up comedian, am I supposed to say he is one? It's fucking political correctness gone mad! Also, loving animals - brilliant, wonderful. Going on about loving animals? ''Suspect.'' * I watched [[Hannah Gadsby]]'s show ''[[w:Nanette|Nanette]]''. Now, it's a really great show, you should watch it if you get the chance. She talks a lot in it about comedy and her main point is that she feels that, herself as an oppressed person, she's often used her comedy to let the audience off too lightly - she makes a lot of good points. I think the problem with stand-up comedy is it simplifies stuff. It's hard to get at the truth when you've got to get a lot of regular laughs. And sometimes I think, am I trying to get to the truth here or am I just trying to tell funnier lies? So for example, I think she simplifies some stuff in her show. She says, stand-up comedy works by creating a tension in the audience, that's then punctured with a punch line. I don't think mine works like that, I think for me the tension arrives ''in'' the punchline. My uncle always said "do something you love, and you never have to work a day in your life" - he did heroin. ''(laughter)'' The tension arrives in the punchline and the setup line is almost supposed to be soothing, really. People say, don't they, that you only regret the things in your life that you don't do. I don't know who said that first, but it's someone who's never broken two corkscrews trying to get an unlubricated parsnip out of their arse. ''(laughter)'' The tension arrives... in the punchline. * Sometimes I write stuff now and I go "am I really rebelling there, or am I just conforming?" Because our society works on conformity. People talk about racist cops; they don't select for racism. There isn't a test where they go "I'm afraid you failed; you answered several questions about the history of Motown correctly." They test you for conformity so that you'll just nod along with structural racism, and sometimes I say to myself "well, am I conforming?" So look, I compèred [[w:Live at the Apollo (TV Series)|Live at the Apollo]] a couple of years ago - which is a type of conformity in itself - and at the time, you're supposed to do jokes on all these celebrities they've got down at the front and one of them was this really brilliant female boxer who I really admired and I'd followed her whole career. I had written this joke which I was really proud of which was "At the Olympics, in the women's boxing, they fought in two minute rounds which was good, because if had been three minute rounds I think I would have ejaculated my own pelvis." ''(laughter)'' And you know, I really laughed when I wrote that. I thought "that's fucking hilarious" because you'd never say that to someone's face, would you? And then as I was walking to the show I was thinking; people do say that kind of thing, people say that kind of thing in school - especially me. People say it now on social media, so am I just fucking conforming here? And what am I conforming with, a deeply sexist society? * Men don't have to assess women, that's why we can objectify them so quickly. On some level, we don't really give a fuck. A man can see a woman with a heavy cold and all he'd think would be "I would rattle that fucking phlegm loose." * ''(Speaking about Britain's handling of [[w:Shamima Begum|Shamima Begum]])'' If we were really about redemption, she would be getting her ''[[w:This Morning (TV programme)|This Morning]]'' makeover right now. "First up, we're going to [[w:Religious_views_on_female_genital_mutilation#Islam|sow your clitoris back on]]!" ''(laughter and groans)'' See, I'm quite interested in the reaction to that. It varies, doesn't it? And I think it's because of what we've just been talking about. See when I write those jokes now, which I think are funny but are sort of empathy-less sometimes, I usually think to myself "you're probably missing the real joke then." The real joke there is probably something to do with the British state having a go at someone for [[w:British_foreign_policy_in_the_Middle_East|getting involved]] in a war in the Middle East which has fuck all to do with them. It's like the pope throwing out his [[w:R Kelly|R Kelly]] CDs. * I do think that getting a dog says something about you, it says; I'm so lonely that I could pick up shit. * I'm gonna leave yous with one final piece of advice, and my advice is; never trust the super rich. What's the first thing they do when they get rich, they buy a yacht. Ever been on a yacht? It's like being in a two star hotel on fucking roller-skates. The only reason anyone would want to own a yacht is so that they can abduct children, sail them out to international waters, fuck them, and dispose of their bodies. And that's what everyone who owns a yacht... ''is'' doing. I don't care who it is, [[w:J. K. Rowling|J. K. Rowling]]? I have to say, for legal reasons, that J. K. Rowling is not fucking and killing children in international waters... to the best of my knowledge. That's what's happening out there; the sea levels aren't rising, it's just the weight of dead, fucked kids. The sea isn't even salty. * Do you know, there's now hotels for the super rich that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow, that's actually a code word. That's actually a code word for a prostitute. Imagine that, you phone down for an extra pillow, and a prostitute turns up. Now you have two prostitutes. And only one pillow to smother them with. ==Television appearances== ===''The Jonathan Ross Show 11/6/2010''=== :'''Frankie Boyle''': I thought you'd have pushed the boat out a bit more with Puff Daddy being on the show. :'''Jonathan Ross''': Well he's not Puff Daddy any more he's Diddy. :'''Frankie Boyle''': Well Diddy's sat back there in the green room and we've got a big bowl of miniature Heroes. I'm sat there going "''Want a wee bounty Puff Daddy?''" :'''Jonathan Ross''': Well I don't know if you know this, but we're in the middle of a recession Frankie Boyle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan Ross''': Here's a picture of Frankie as a boy. You tell me if you don't think this could have grown up to be Susan Boyle. :'''Frankie Boyle''': We do have a lot in common. :'''Jonathan Ross''': Ah huh... :'''Frankie Boyle''': I look ridiculous as a man and I also look ridiculous dressed as a woman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': The idea of people being judged by Amanda Holden. A woman with a face like haunted tupperware. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Can you watch Andrew Lloyd Webber? He looks like he's had his face carved off by a diseased butcher. Put in a piñata. Beaten with hockey sticks for six hours, and then the resulting slop piped back onto his head like the icing on the ugliest cake the world has ever seen. :'''Jonathan Ross''': Are you on his Christmas card list?... I love Andrew Lloyd Webber though, I find him charming and I think he's sweet on T.V because he's er he's not putting himself forward as a heart throb. :'''Frankie Boyle''': He would be charming in a Fairy Story, as someone trying to steal a baby... on telly.. in reality? This is reality, this horror? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan Ross''': You have little children now, how many kids you got Frankie? :'''Frankie Boyle''': I've got two little kids. God help them because (Unknown, previous quote on this page is wrong though as a simple read through would tell you) :'''Jonathan Ross''': Two little.. er are hey both girls? :'''Frankie Boyle''': No, no I got a girl and a boy so my wife has a lot of sleepless nights :'''Jonathan Ross''': How old are they? :'''Frankie Boyle''': Too young to be on telly <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan Ross''': ...I really, it really made me laugh out loud, what was the title? Even the title I love. What was the title again? :'''Frankie Boyle''': It was called, "''My Shit Life So Far''" :'''Jonathan Ross''': There's an honesty in that, er, and then the title of the tour I love as well the title of your tour which is er? :'''Frankie Boyle''': There's an honesty in that as well which is, "''I'd Happily Punch Every One Of You In The Face''" :'''Jonathan Ross''': You don't actually feel that way about your fans do you? :'''Frankie Boyle''': No, if I could, I'd run them all over with a truck... <hr width="50%"/> [''Talking about Frankie's fans''] :'''Frankie Boyle''': But the audience, I mean the audience look like Jim Henson's workshop. I feel like putting out a public service announcement at the start of the show saying in the result of a fire you will all be better looking <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan Ross''': You yourself recently looked very differently I noticed, you looked very, you had er, quite a large beard for a young person in show business, that was an unusual thing, I thought maybe you were acting and you'd taken a role in perhaps Shakespeare or something it was a period beard. :'''Frankie Boyle''': No, I thought it made me look like a jihaddist, but a lot of other people felt it made me look like someone who should be on some kind of register, which of course I should. :'''Jonathan Ross''': Yeah, it must have been the glasses. :'''Frankie Boyle''': Yeah, the glasses together so any time you go by a children's playground, all the Mums snatch their kids out of the sand pit and start throwing their shoes at you. <hr width="50%"/> ===''Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 23 Episode 11''=== :'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome, I'm Frankie Boyle. When I was asked to host this show, I was delighted. I've always hated this programme, but I have a book to sell and a mistress in London. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': DJ Ironik, who's a really, really good rapper... according to MC Sarcastic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': And welcome, a woman who's brainier than [[Kurt Cobain]]'s garage wall, it's Carol Vorderman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': A singer who had said that he'd be quitting music, which is a bit like Stephen Hawking saying that he's quitting international basketball. From "Reverend and the Makers," it's Jon McClure! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': A man who performed an Edinburgh show this year, which asked if it was okay to have a Hitler moustache. The answer, of course, is yes, if it's just above the vagina. It's comedian Richard Herring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': So, those are our teams. No wonder Simon Amstell left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': It's Aerosmith, a band who had so much sex in the 1980s that Steve Tyler's wank bank is one of the few financial institutions predicted to ride out the recession. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': [''Regarding Noel's cloak''] I made this so that you and Carol could look like the same woman from different dimensions. :'''Carol Vorderman''': Do you think? :'''Frankie Boyle''': Yeah, to me Noel looks like a raven that a wizard has turned into a very beautiful young lady. :'''Carol Vorderman''': Is that a compliment? :'''Frankie Boyle''': It was a compliment to Noel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': [''Regarding Steve Tyler of Aerosmith''] He looks quite good if he was a [[w:Peperami|Peperami]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carol Vorderman''': Do you tweet? :'''Frankie Boyle''': No, I don't tweet! :'''Carol Vorderman''': Do you Facebook? :'''Frankie Boyle''': Yeah, I do go on Facebook, yeah. :'''Carol Vorderman''': But; what's your name on Facebook? :'''Frankie Boyle''': "Frankie Boyle"...? To be honest, Carol, I heard you were smarter than this. :'''Carol Vorderman''': There are actually 57 Frankie Boyles pretending to be you - :'''Frankie Boyle''': Well, I hope that they get the bullet or sexual assault case that I am due. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': It was actually the fact that Joey Kraemer set his Ferrari and himself on fire when he filled it up with the engine running, prompting a fire marshal investigation. It was the most disastrous pumping accident since Michael Jackson challenged Macaulay Culkin to a game of Leapfrog. The real tragedy was that it was a classic 1973 Ferrari and Jamiroquai wasn't inside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': It's Kelis who says it's her milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard. Personally, I use Haribo to tempt them and central locking to imprison them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Kelis was charged on public disorder counts after screaming abuse at two prostitutes who turned out to be undercover female police officers. Remember, you should always check if they really are prostitutes because it's actually illegal to kill police officers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Can I ask you something, Carol? Do you ever see any irony in presenting a show that was aimed at old people waiting for death and calling that programme "Countdown"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': So that was "Teenage Kicks" by The Undertones. The Undertones' Feargal Sharkey now campaigns against illegal downloads. I recently intervened when somebody was about to illegally download a Michael McIntyre DVD, I said "Don't bother mate, it's shit". John Peel was such a fan of The Undertones he simply had the words "Teenage Kicks" engraved on his tombstone. Sadly, it's been kicked over by teenagers. We also heard Bob Marley with "Iron Lion Zion". Bob Marley decided to fight cancer with homoeopathy. If you don't want to see the results, look away now. Although cancer did go on to play AIDS in the semi-final. Last year, a statue of Bob Marley was unveiled in Serbia to celebrate peace and tolerance. Serbia is, of course, one of the most tolerant countries in the world, having slaughtered all of their intolerant citizens. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was the Pixies with "Debaser". The group struggled with a nine year heroin problem. Nine years of heroin sort of goes a bit beyond a problem, it's like saying millions died in The Second World Kerfuffle. And we had "Jerk It Out" by The Caesers. The band have said that "jerk it out" means to just let off some steam. We've all had one of those, usually towards the end of the Hollyoaks omnibus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was Maria Lawson in 2006 with "Sleepwalking", but which of our line up is the real Maria? :* Is it number one: "Sleepwalker"? :* Number two: "Streetwalker"? :* Number three: "Sleep it off in the spare room"? :* Number four: "Sleep with whoever you want, as long as I can film it"? :* Or number five: "Could you sleep with number 4 and 1?"? No, wait a minute, not 1, 2. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was Chicory Tip with their 1972 number 1, "Son of my Father", but which of our line up is drummer, Brian Shearer? :* Is it number one: "Son of my father"? :* Number two: "Son of a bitch"? :* Number three: "Son, you're adopted"? :* Number four: "Son, your real father could be any one of Cameroon's 1990 World Cup squad"? :* Or number five: "Son, I never want to see you, or your boyfriend, ever again"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': I don't know what the actual points are, but there's probably a graphic on your screen. All I know, is that there are no real winners tonight. Our thanks to Phil, Jon and Richard. To Noel, to Ironik and to Carol. I've been Frankie Boyle and you've been watching, I imagine, a very heavily edited version of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night! <hr width="50%"/> ===''Never Mind The Buzzcocks Series 24 Episode 12''=== :'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello, and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. If you're watching on BBC 2, hello, and if you're watching on Dave +1 in the year 2020, "Hangchangchangchangquaa Hanggangwannahaaaa" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Goldie's autobiography is called "Nine Lives", which is a stupid title for a man with a dog's name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': He's a comedian who's been on kid's T.V, sings in a choir and looks like that. The fact he's not a child molester once lost me a hundred quid. It's Miles Jupp! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': As a member of Destiny's Child, she's one of the most famous and beautiful woman in the world...'s friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel Fielding''': You said that and I got hit for it. :'''Frankie Boyle''': Are you sure that you didn't get hit for looking like a bisexual Doctor Who? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': They've filled more stadiums than Hurricane Katrina and regularly voted the greatest live band in the world, which is ironic as we'd all rather see them dead. It's Muse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miles Jupp''': This is a very difficult question you've opened with Frankie Boyle I mean I... :'''Frankie Boyle''': [''Interrupting''] Well get used to it, bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': In 2006, Muse had their equipment wrecked by a hurricane minutes before the coincidently named Hurricane Festival in Germany. We can only wish them all the best at next years World AIDS Day gig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Muse were recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Plymouth. A degree from the University of Plymouth, that's like being given a cake from someone who has visible eczema. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': This is Axl Rose in the days before ''I'm A Celebrity'' when "Welcome To The Jungle" was a rock anthem rather than the announcement that you have type-4 career cancer. This was from the brief period when Guns N' Roses were popular before [[Nirvana (band)|Nirvana]] came along and made them look like gay pirates. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel Fielding''': OK, Axl...he looks a bit worse than that now. :'''Frankie Boyle''': He looks a lot worse. The Botox hasn't gone well. He's like a stunt double for Mickey Rourke's arse, basically! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': The answer is b). His crew were under strict instructions not to wake him under any circumstances,and so failed to wake him up from his afternoon nap. Guns N' Roses fans were deeply disappointed. Luckily though, they were all morons that I'd leave inside a burning house to save a pig. Similarly, a nap led to Cheryl Cole being late for a gig recently when she couldn't wake up the man who presses play. Or the black woman who was supposed to clean her dressing room, but had mysteriously been knocked unconscious. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': So that was Bobby McFerrin with "Don't Worry, Be Happy". "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is a great song to play when delivering bad news, such as, "I'm sorry, Mrs Cordon, we can't do a termination, he's 31." Bobby McFerrin clicks his fingers and beats his chest to create music. Coincidentally, that's also how Wayne Rooney signals to his handlers that he needs wanking off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': will.i.am has been romantically linked to Cheryl Cole. When asked if he was going to enter into a long-term relationship with her, he changed his name to will.i.fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was the Arctic Monkeys with "Fluorescent Adolescent". People give Alex Turner and Alexa Chung a hard time, but I think that they'll still be around in 20 years, her surname keeping them safe during the waves of Chinese genocide. We also heard "Me Myself And I" by De La Soul. De La Soul had a huge hit with "Three Is The Magic Number". Incidentally, it's also the theme tune for the National Fingering Association. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was Matt Bianco with "Don't Blame It On the Girl", but which of our line up is drummer, Robin Jones? :* Is it number one: "Robin Jones"? :* Number two: "Robin this show of any dignity"? :* Number three: "Robin Cook's corpse"? :* Number four: "Robin of Shitwood"? :* Or number five: "Robin his cock up against a school bus window"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': That was Glen Goldsmith with "Dreaming", but which of our line up is Glen Goldsmith? :* Is it number one: "Dreaming"? :* Number two: "Dreaming of a proper acting job"? :* Number three: "Dreaming that he's naked and riding on the back of a Labrador"? :* Number four: "Dreaming of death"? :* Or number five: "Waking up with a hard on"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Thanks to Phill, Goldie and Miles, Noel, Professor Green and Michelle. This has been a disaster. Good night! ===''Live at the Apollo 10/12/2014''=== :'''Frankie Boyle''': Hello and welcome to Live at the Apollo. I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well, if that's any comfort. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the Scottish Independence Debate]'' :'''Frankie Boyle''': David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter - because he couldn't work out how to get it into envelope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': People said - during the campaign - that I was anti-English. I couldn't be more Pro English! I thought the best thing for Independence would have been if England had of won the world cup; because you would have been so ''unbearable'' that we would have to leave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Animals don't watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company's attitude to battery life <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post. Presumably with the message: ''From one twat to another'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the re-bombing of Iraq]'' :'''Frankie Boyle''': And who are we blowing up? IS. Remember last year when they said "We need to bomb Syria! Help the rebels; they're the good guys." "Who are the rebels?" "IS" They're the same people! They gone from being loved to hated and despised in a year and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie Boyle''': Britain, as a culture, runs on hypocrisy. David Cameron went to Sri Lanka. He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses that they committed with weapons the Britain sold to them! Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard. ===''Frankie Boyle's Election Autopsy (2015)''=== *Before I go, I want to leave you with this: Conservative voters, you have destroyed this country. We’re about to birth the first generation of babies that will be regularly woken by the nocturnal screams of their parents. And you did this. With your affordable four-wheel drives, your Coldplay albums, your canvas trousers, your NutriBullet, your rape pornography. Your James Corden, your Sky Atlantic, your mistress, your numb smile, your diazepam, your wanking glove, your weight gain, your constant googling "does this dream make me gay?". Your fear of buttons, your Amazon Prime, your unrealistic goals, your friend with terrible spinal injuries, your secret jealousy of all the attention he gets. Your constant fear of cancer, your dream of swimming with a dolphin who will at best feel complete indifference towards you. Your tutting at the news, your Gucci belt, the books you have pretended to read, your love of cock, your cock of love. Your daughter’s wedding, your first bike. Your suicide. ===''Mock the Week''=== * There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off. **[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD8cL9UhccM Series 6, episode 2]. *I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.(series 4, episode 1; What the Queen didn't say in her Christmas message) *Dear points of view, watching "Queer eye for the straight guy" made me think that if I made gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me. * I thought it was sad, you know, that they had that pop concert to commemorate Diana. I mean, she didn't have much to do with pop music, did she? They should've done something that celebrated what was really great about her life: By staging a gangbang in a minefield. * ["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] What's that Joker, you'll be back? Somehow [[w: Heath Ledger|I don't think you will be]]. * ["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the [[w:September 11 attacks|World Trade Center]]! * [Talking about Richard Hammond's high-speed dragster crash] That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.[Mimicking Richard Hammond] "She was wearing black... or was it red? Am I married?" * The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon. * 3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. * When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Boyle, Frankie}} [[Category:Stand-up comedians]] [[Category:Humorists]] [[Category:Satirists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Cultural critics]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1972 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Glasgow]] i9wg4jewjz9wuh3dgg8zv4t28534wk7 0 146818 3155649 3154287 2022-08-17T21:43:11Z 179.6.84.178 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Turbo (film)|Turbo]]''''' is a 2013 American [[w:3-D film|3D]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:comedy film|sports comedy film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]] respectively. It is based on an original idea by [[w:David Soren (animator)|David Soren]], who also directed the film. The film features an ordinary garden snail whose dream to become the fastest snail in the world comes true. The film was released on July 17, 2013. The film will be followed by a television series, titled ''[[w:Turbo: F.A.S.T.|Turbo: F.A.S.T.]]'' (Fast Action Stunt Team), which will air on [[w:Netflix|Netflix]] in December 2013. ==Dialogue== :'''Turbo''': Sure beats the view from the garden, huh? :'''Chet''': ''[sighs then laughs softly]'' I can't believe you're doing this. :'''Turbo''': We! We are doing this! :'''Chet''': You! I'm just a hostage. Theo, what happens if you wake up tomorrow, and your powers are gone? Hmmm? What then? :'''Turbo''': Then I better make the most of today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chet''': You know, this is good. Yes, this is good. I dare say we've had a breakthrough here. With that TV gone, you can finally get out of the garage and put all that racing nonsense behind you. :'''Theo''': And do what? :'''Chet''': Start living your life. :'''Theo''': [''confused''] I have a life? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Theo''': I thought I could get there. :'''Chet''': When are you gonna wake up? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': This is it, Chet! I knew we ended up here for a reason! :'''Chet''': Would you just slow down for a second? :'''Turbo''': Slow down? Are you kidding? '''''I'M NEVER GOING SLOW AGAIN!''''' ''[dashing off]'' :'''Chet''': Theo, stop! ''[as he rolls onto a spicy sauce bottle]'' What are you trying to say? :'''Tito''': I wanna enter him in the Indy 500. :'''Angelo''': The Indy 500? What are you talking about? :'''Chet''': ''[referring to Tito]'' What is he talking about? :'''Tito''': Now, look. I know I may sound a little crazy... :'''Angelo''': No, no, no, Tito. That doesn't sound crazy. Dos Bros tacos and Sushi? That was crazy. :'''Tito''': What? People love sushi! :'''Angelo''': Dos Bros Tacos and Monkey Petting Zoo? THAT was crazy. :'''Tito''': The babies were cute; the adults were just so mean. :'''Angelo''': Taco Man, and his sidekick, the Churro? ''OH, THAT WAS OFF-THE-HOOK CRAZY!!!!!!!!'' :'''Tito''': ''[scoffs]'' Crazy awesome. :'''Angelo''': But this, Tito? This is in a category all by itself. :'''Tito''': Angelo, please! :'''Turbo''': C'mon, Chet, just hear me out. :'''Chet''': Theo, a snail cannot race in a competition meant for cars! There are rules. :'''Tito''': Actually, I've been doing a lot of research, and there's nothing in the rules that says a snail can't enter the race. :'''Angelo''': There's nothing that says the sponge can't enter the race either, but that doesn't mean it's ever gonna happen. ''[throws sponge]'' :'''Tito''': Millions of people watch that race! This could put us on the map, bro! :'''Angelo''': Tryna work here. :'''Tito''': Ah, c'mon Angelo. All we have to do is raise a $20000 registration fee. :'''Angelo''': What? :'''Tito''': And I figured once we sell the truck.... :'''Angelo''': Sell the truck?! Are you even listening to yourself, Tito?! You want to invest our entire life savings... '''''in a snail!!!!''''' ''[closes lid in anger]'' :'''Tito''': ''[referring to Turbo]'' I'm telling you, this snail crawled into our lives for a reason. I think he could be our little shooting star. :'''Turbo''': ''[referring to Tito]'' Did you hear that, Chet? This guy believes in me. :'''Chet''': That guy is as crazy as you are. :'''Angelo''': They'll never let you into that race! :'''Chet''': And even if they did, you wouldn't survive one lap! :'''Turbo''': Yeah, but... :'''Tito''': Angelo, listen... :'''Angelo''': ''TITO!!!!!!!!'' :'''Chet''': ''THEO!!!!!!!!!!!!'' :'''Angelo''': Not every dream is meant to come true. :'''Chet''': ''[referring to Angelo]'' Yeah, what he said. :'''Turbo and Tito both sigh in disappointment at once''' :'''Angelo''': A snail in the Indy 500. ''[laughs]'' :'''Chet''': ''[scoffs]'' What will you think of next? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': Please say yes. Please say yes. :'''Chet''': Please say no. Please say no. :'''White Shadow''': White Shadow... <hr width="50%"/> :'''White Shadow''': I'm fast, like a shadow. :'''Turbo''': But shadows, they're not inherently fast. :'''White Shadow''': [''as he moves backwards into a light shadow, remaining visible''] White Shadoooowwww... :'''Turbo''': I can still see you. <hr width="50%"/> ''[from trailer]'' :'''Turbo''': If you think that's somethin', check this out! [''his eyes shine brightly like headlights, blinding Chet''] :'''Burn''': Hey, are you a robot? :'''Smoove Move''': Are you radioactive, homie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Whiplash''': Listen, garden snail, you've clearly got the skills to pay the bills... if snails had to pay bills, that is. You would be able to pay them. :'''Smoove Move''': Yeah, bills. :'''Burn''': Paid in full, son. :'''Whiplash''': So, I'm here to invite you to join our crew. :'''Turbo''': ''[smirks]'' Join your crew? :'''Whiplash''': Did I say something humorous? :'''Turbo''': Sorry, it's just that you guys are, you know, kind of slow...ish. :'''The Snail Crew were offended''' :'''Skidmark''': Really? To our faces? :'''Chet''': ''[whispering]'' Theo, what are you doing? :'''Whiplash''': Now, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear what I clearly just heard. :'''Chet''': Heard what? ''[laughs nervously]'' I didn't hear anything. Nothing out of order. Did you, Theo? :'''Turbo''': Oh, I meant what I said. :'''Whiplash''': Well then you better put your money where your mouth is! :'''Turbo''': Snails don't have money. Otherwise you'd be able to pay the bills, remember? :'''Whiplash''': Your trash talk is needlessly complicated! :'''Turbo''': Is it? Or is it that your unpaid bills... are overdue? :'''Whiplash''': Enough talk! It's time... for action. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Smoove Move''': Hey, T. You gonna be okay without them fancy magic super-powers? :'''Theo''': Sure. Never stopped any of you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Angelo''': ''TITO!!!!!!!!!!!!'' :'''Tito''': Um... one second, please. :'''Angelo''': Do you see that sign? What does it say? :'''Tito''': Angelo... :'''Angelo''': ''[interrupts Tito]'' It says "Dos Bros Tacos". Dos bros, Tito, not uno bro!! You're supposed to be out there, selling tacos, not racing snails. :'''Tito''': ''[referring to Turbo]'' I know but this little guy is something special! I'm telling you, Angelo, the customers are gonna be lining up around the block. I can see it already. "Come for the snail racing, stay for the chimichangas!", huh? :'''Angelo''': Get your head outta the clouds, Tito. It's enough with your crazy schemes. :'''Tito''': No!! You're a taco genius, Angelo, and it is ''my'' mission in life to share your gift with the world! :'''Angelo''': ''[pauses]'' Great. Then, first thing in the morning, get in that truck and ''go sell some tacos! [walks away]'' Ah, Tito. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Smoove Move''': He ain't slow no mo'! :'''Skidmark''': That's for sho'! :'''Smoove Move''': Shut the do'! :'''Skidmark''': Get on the flo'! :'''White Shadow''': Barbecue sauce! :'''The Snail Crew were confused''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Paz''': Sorry , Tito, but I've got work to do. :'''Tito''': No, you don't. None of you do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Whiplash''': That's it! This pit crew is officially under new management. :'''White Shadow launches Whiplash, Skidmark, Burn, and Smoove Move to Turbo''' :'''Whiplash''': Now '''this''' is how it's done. Air jack! :'''Smoove Move''': Jactivate! ''[imitates air jack]'' :'''Whiplash''': Lube! :'''Skidmark''': ''[rubs lip balm on Turbo's foot]'' Apply liberally. :'''Whiplash''': Detailing! :'''Burn''': Wax on, wax off. ''[rips wax paper]'' :'''Turbo''': Ow.... :'''Whiplash''': Fuel! :'''White Shadow''': Down the hatch! Chug! Chug! Chug! :'''Whiplash''': Foot massage! :'''Burn''': You know it! :'''Whiplash''': Relaxing vibes. :'''Smoove Move''': Own it, brother. ''[plays "Sailing" by N'SYNC]'' :'''Whiplash''': Now delax those vibes! :'''Smoove Move plays loud music on headphones''' :'''Turbo''': Are you crazy?! :'''Whiplash''': ''[slaps Turbo]'' Yeah, I'm crazy! What made you think I was sane? :'''Turbo''': I-I-I-I don't... I don't know how to... :'''Whiplash''': ''[slaps Turbo again]'' Are you a car? :'''Turbo''': No? :'''Whiplash''': Are you a car?! :'''Turbo''': No! :'''Whiplash''': Then stop driving like one! Now get out there. Snail up, baby! :'''[The Snail Crew cheer for Turbo as he dashes off]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''[Chet screams in horror when a fly is crushed on the windscreen of the van. Burn appears on the window wipers.]'' :'''Burn''': Hi Chet. Ya gonna be my boyfriend? Ima call ya boo. :'''Chet''': ''[incredulously]'' Boo? What does that even mean? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': Chet? :'''Chet''': Finish this! :'''Turbo''': ''[looks at his broken shell]'' But I can't. :'''Chet''': Oh, yes you can. You're right, you know. It is in you! It's always been in you! Now, I did not just face every fear known to snailkind to come down here and watch you hide in your shell. I'm sitting on a crow, for crying out loud!! ''[crow tries to fly away but Chet slaps it]'' Don't even think about it! ''[back to Turbo]'' And my little brother never gives up. That's the best thing about you. So you get out there and you win this... Turbo! ''[Turbo smiles]'' == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * Any film about speed, just trying to capture what it looks like on screen is a challenge. Especially in a car race, as multiple cars are going 200mph, but when you put a camera alongside them, things actually slow down. You have to have relative things going by, and there are lots of tricks you have to learn to create that sensation of speed. And then, on top of that, there's a snail hopping around, and the scale issues that come out of that. That was very complex to figure out, but it's probably what makes the film. :* David Soren [http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/david-soren/27732/david-soren-interview-turbo-toonstruck-aardman "David Soren interview: Turbo, Toonstruck, Aardman"], by Simon Brew, ''Den of Geek'', Oct 17, 2013. ==Cast== * [[Ryan Reynolds]] as Theo / Turbo * [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Chet * [[w:Michael Peña|Michael Peña]] as Tito * [[Snoop Dogg]] as Smoove Move * [[w:Maya Rudolph|Maya Rudolph]] as Burn * [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]] as Whiplash * [[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis Guzmán]] as Angelo * [[w:Bill Hader|Bill Hader]] as Guy Gagne * [[w:Richard Jenkins|Richard Jenkins]] as Bobby * [[w:Ken Jeong|Ken Jeong]] as Kim-Ly * [[Michelle Rodriguez]] as Paz * [[w:Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]] as Skidmark * [[w:Kurtwood Smith|Kurtwood Smith]] as Indy CEO * [[w:Michael Patrick Bell|Michael Patrick Bell]] as White Shadow * [[w:Dario Franchitti|Dario Franchitti]] as a Scottish Anchor and a Male [[w:Tourist|Tourist]] * [[w:Will Power|Will Power]] as Australian Anchor * [[Mario Andretti]] as a Dos Bros [[w:Customer|Customer]] and Race Official * [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] and [[w:Paul Page|Paul Page]] as [[w:Announcers|Announcers]] * [[w:Paul Dooley|Paul Dooley]] as Carl the Snail Foreman * [[w:Aidan Andrews|Aidan Andrews]] as [[w:Bike|Bike]] Boy * [[w:Aaron Berger|Aaron Berger]] as Danny * [[w:Jen Cohn|Jen Cohn]] as Network [[w:Reporter|Reporter]] * [[w:Ryan Crego|Ryan Crego]] as [[w:VIP (Very important person)|VIP]] * [[w:Rich Dietl|Rich Dietl]] as [[w:Tomato|Tomato]] Slicer/Reporter * [[w:Derek Drymon|Derek Drymon]] as FAST Network Trackside Reporter * [[w:Susan Fitzer|Susan Fitzer]] as Sally/American Anchor * [[w:Brian Hopkins|Brian Hopkins]] as Lookout Snail * [[w:Joseph Izzo|Joseph Izzo]] as FAST Network Announcer * [[w:Joseph Izzo|Joseph Izzo]] and [[w:Gordon James|Gordon James]] as [[w:Security Guard|Security Guards]] * [[w:Andrea Montana Knoll|Andre Montana Knoll]] as a Female Tourist * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] as a [[w:Tour Bus|Tour Bus]] Driver * [[w:Lashana Rodriguez|Lashana Rodriguez]] as a [[w:Radio|Radio]] DJ and a Hot [[w:Oven|Oven]] * [[w:James Ryan|James Ryan]] as Phil, Plant Worker and Takao Nogouchi * [[w:Lloyd Sheer|Lloyd Sheer]] as Spanish DJ * [[w:Lisa Stewart|Lisa Stewart]] as Indy Marketing Executive * [[w:Mark Walton (story artist)|Mark Walton]] as Official * [[w:David Soren (animator)|David Soren]], [[w:Derek Drymon|Derek Drymon]], [[w:Latifa Ouaou|Latifa Ouaou]], [[w:Lisa Stewart|Lisa Stewart]], [[w:Paul Soren|Paul Soren]], [[w:Andrea Montana Knoll|Andre Montana Knoll]] as Worker Snails * [[w:David Soren (animator)|David Soren]] as Can't Tuck Snail, Gagne's [[w:Pit stop#NASCAR pit crew roles|Crew Chief]], Indy Network Executive, [[w:Newspaper|Newspaper]] Boy, Autotune Kid ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated sports films]] [[Category:Films set in Indiana]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Auto racing films]] [[Category:David Soren films]] [[Category:Sports comedy films]] azts9vudtl57vjn7lytq3ys6a7okqwz 0 148518 3155783 3152695 2022-08-18T08:07:48Z 113.210.100.103 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.|Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.]]''''', or simply '''''Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.''''', is an American television series created for [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]] by [[Joss Whedon]], [[w:Jed Whedon|Jed Whedon]] and [[w:Maurissa Tancharon|Maurissa Tancharoen]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] organization [[w:S.H.I.E.L.D|S.H.I.E.L.D.]] (Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division) == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''[[w:Maria Hill|Maria Hill]]''': What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward? :'''Grant Ward''': Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. :'''Hill''': And what does that mean to you? :'''Ward''': It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out "shield." ''[Hill gives him a look]'' … It means we're the line between the world and the much weirder world. We protect people from news they aren't ready to hear. And when we can't do that, we keep them safe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hill''': Everything's changing. A little while ago, most people went to bed thinking that the craziest thing in the world was [[w:Iron Man|a billionaire in a flying metal suit]]. Then aliens invade New York then were beaten back by, among others, a [[w:Hulk (comics)|giant green monster]], [[w:Captain America|a costumed hero from the 40's]], and [[w:Thor (Marvel Comics)|a god]]. :'''Ward''': I don't think Thor's technically a god. :'''Hill''': Well, you haven't been near his arms. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Why was I pulled out of Paris? :'''Hill''': That, you'll have to ask Agent Coulson. :'''Ward''': Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that … [[The Avengers (2012 film)|Agent Coulson was killed in action, before the battle of New York]]. I got the full report. :'''Phil Coulson''': Welcome to Level Seven. ''[walks in from a darkened corner]'' Sorry, that corner was really dark and I couldn't help myself. I think there's a bulb out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': [[Spider-Man|With great power comes]] … a ton of weird crap that you are not prepared to deal with! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coulson and Ward are interrogating Skye]'' :'''Coulson''': This is QNB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium-pentathol derivatives. It's a brand-new and extremely potent truth drug. Don't worry. The effects only last for about an hour. :'''Ward''': And then you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll have all the answers to our--''[Coulson injects Ward with the serum]'' Gah! What the hell?! :'''Coulson''': I'm sorry, did that hurt? :'''Ward''': ''[scoffs]'' No. But you've lost your mind. You should never do that to a member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit. But I always try and mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine—my ''God'' this stuff works fast. :'''Coulson''': ''[To Skye]'' Don't trust us? Ask him whatever you like. ''[Leaves the room]'' :'''Ward''': Wait a minute. You can't just … ''[shouting]'' This is definitely not protocol! === ''[[w:0-8-4|0-8-4]]'' [1.02] === :'''Skye''': Usually one person doesn't solve the problem, but 100 people with 1% of the solution that will get it done. I think that's beautiful, pieces solving a puzzle. :'''Ward''': You and I see the world differently. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Where's your side arm? :'''Melinda May''': If I need a gun, I'll take one. :'''Ward''': Right, I forgot I was working with "The Cavalry." :'''May''': Don't ever call me that. :''[Later, caught in a standoff with Peruvian soldiers]'' :'''Ward''': You should've taken more guns. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': I don't even know where we are going. :'''Coulson''': Peru. That's where the 0-8-4 was reported. :'''Skye''': And an 0-8-4 is? :'''Coulson''': An object of unknown origin, kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting. :'''Skye''': What was it? :'''Coulson''': [[w: Mjolnir (comics)|A hammer]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Sweet ride. :'''Coulson''': I earned a little good will from Director Fury when I got hit right before the battle of New York. :'''Skye''': You took a bullet? :'''Coulson''': Ish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leo Fitz''': Are you mental? I did explain what I meant using the Queen's bloody English! :'''Ward''': I use normal English. Words like "duck" and "run" and "might blow us to pieces." :'''Fitz''': Congratulations, Agent Ward, you managed to string three words together in a sentence. === ''[[w:The Asset|The Asset]]'' [1.03] === :'''Ward''': There will come a moment when you have to commit to this or bail. Every field agent has a defining moment. Ask Coulson. When you have to make the hard call to either dedicate yourself to this or to curl up in a ball and run. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. ''[Walks away]'' :'''May''': ''[Quietly, to herself]'' And you ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ian Quinn''': Many of you shareholders have been with us for years, and I see a few new names here, but I want to thank you all for traveling so far to this beautiful country and, well, for slumming it at Shaba Tal-Banar. This country where we are allowed to pursue progress and profit without the stranglehold of regulations that are now choking our world. The United States government, the R.U., the DRTC, S.H.I.E.L.D. These are just a few of the institutions that are guilty of halting the development of new technology for anyone except themselves. We dare defy them with a new idea, they steal in and sweep it out from under us. But not today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Franklin Hall''': I've seen the future, Mr. Coulson, and it's a catastrophe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hall''': They won't understand the good I did here. :'''Coulson''': Killing innocent people? :'''Hall''': Saving millions. We have to live with the choices we make, but sometimes we have to die with them, too. === ''[[w:Eye Spy (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Eye Spy]]'' [1.04] === :'''Skye''': So you asked how she could have cracked the system. I have a pitch, but it's way outside the box. :'''Coulson''': I ''live'' outside the box. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Have you seen Skye? :'''Ward''': Not since weapons training. :'''Coulson''': She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger? :'''Ward''': Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we will be making real progress. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': What's up, Phil? :'''Coulson''': I prefer you not call me "Phil". :'''Skye''': OK, you're the boss, ''AC''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fitz and Ward are playing poker on the plane]'' :'''Ward''': ... I call, and raise a hundred. :'''Fitz''': Do you know how I'm gonna beat you? :'''Ward''': By losing? :'''Fitz''': You have a tell. A psychological tick that lets me know you're bluffing. If I watch you carefully ... ''[Louder, into his earpiece]'' If I watch you carefully ... :'''Skye''': Oh, sorry. One minute. ''[Grabs the eye-spy x-ray glasses]'' You know that if I do this, I'll not only see Ward's cards, I'll see you without any clothes on? :'''Fitz''': ... I fold, you win. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[With a gun.]'' Safety off. ''[She accidentally releases the magazine.]'' Bang? === ''[[w:Girl in the Flower Dress|Girl in the Flower Dress]]'' [1.05] === :''[Skye and Ward are playing Battleship]'' :'''Ward''': Every decision you make from here on out ... has consequences. So be warned: the kiddie gloves are off. :'''Skye''': ... G-7. :'''Ward''': ''[reluctantly]'' Hit. :'''Skye''': Yes! ''[Ward places a red peg in one of his ships.]'' So explain to me again what this has to do with my training. :'''Ward''': Well, it's important for every S.O. to ... evaluate their student's thought process. :'''Skye''': ''[not convinced]'' Mm-hm. :'''Ward''': And I like board games. B-10. :'''Skye''': Nope. This isn't thinking; this is stabbing in the dark. But it's nice to take a break from the workouts. :'''Ward''': ''[uncharacteristically nice]'' Well...you deserve a break. Gotta give Coulson credit. I never would've pegged an ex-Rising Tide hacker as a good fit, but...you're pickin' things up pretty fast. :'''Skye''': ''[smiling, surprised]'' Did you just...give me a compliment? :'''Ward''': ''[taken aback]'' I - no, I made a comment. :'''Skye''': A ''kind'' one. Did it physically hurt to do that? ''[with a look of mock concern]'' Do you need an ice pack? :''[Ward smiles]'' :'''Skye''': ''[laughing]'' Wow! A compliment and a smile. :'''Ward''': ''[more insistent]'' ''Comment.'' :'''Skye''': I don't wanna ruin the moment...but I'm 'onna have to respond with...G-4. ''[Ward looks, then a look of unease crosses his face. Skye starts to smile in triumph.]'' Say it, Ward. ''[Ward says nothing.]'' ''Say it.'' :'''Ward''': ''[reluctantly]'' You sank my battleship. :'''Skye''': ''[in triumph]'' Ha-ha! Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': I come as a friend. :'''Chan Ho Yin''': English isn't my first language, but that word means something different than you think. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': His file say anything about him being homicidal? :'''Coulson''': Just said he was kind of a tool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chan Ho Yin''': Poor little Chan Ho Yin may have believed your lies, but not Scorch! :'''May''': Who? :'''Coulson''': Oh, crap. They gave him a name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': ''[to Edison Po]'' We all have to do things that make us uncomfortable...if we are ever to get our toy soldiers off the shelf. === ''[[w:FZZT|F.Z.Z.T.]]'' [1.06] === :'''Jemma Simmons''': Working up a good sweat there, sir? :'''Coulson''': I don't sweat. I glisten. :'''Simmons''': Blood pressure, heart rate, biochems, all normal. All that’s left is the blood sample. :'''Coulson''': You should know, I’m not a fan of getting poked. :'''Simmons''': Tell me, sir, have you been feeling under the weather lately? :'''Coulson''': Why? :'''Simmons''': I just noticed from your chart that you’re not due for a general physical for another three months. :'''Coulson''': I made a mistake, took a call from my physical therapist. Asked how I was feeling, I said “a little rusty”. Next thing you know I’m wired to this hamster wheel. :'''Simmons''': Well, you can officially tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle, especially for a man of your age. :'''Coulson''': A man of my age? That's something you say to an old person. :'''Simmons''': ''[nervous]'' Is it? Well, let’s get you some electrolytes, shall we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': I wanted it to be a person, some superpowered psychopath someone I could hurt, someone I could...''punish''. That I could do. What I can't do is protect you guys from stuff I can't even see or understand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[Upset]'' was doing just fine tucked away in a safe, indoor, non-mobile lab at the academy! Then you had to go and drag us into this flying circus! Didn’t even pass our field assessments, for God’s sake! :'''Simmons''': ''[Also upset]'' Oh, please, as if I forced you to follow me anywhere. :'''Fitz''': You said, and I quote… ''[Mocking her voice]'' “Oh, Fitz, it’s the most perfect opportunity for us to see the world! We’d be fools to pass this one up!” :'''Simmons''': I hate it when you use that voice. That’s not even how I sound. And you were just afraid of going into the field. :'''Fitz''': I was not afraid. :'''Simmons''': And don’t you dare act like these last months haven’t been the highlight of your entire pasty life! :'''Fitz''': Pasty? Oh, really? Well, when did you become so sun kissed? Because I’m pretty sure that every minute of every day you’ve been stuck in a lab right beside me. At the academy, at sci-ops, this plane, you’ve been beside me the whole damn time! ''[Pause, scared]'' You have to fix this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Sir, I know the protocol in these circumstances, but could you please tell my dad first? I just think my mum would take it better if it comes from him. :'''Coulson''': We’re not there yet, there’s still time. :'''Simmons''': Sir, please. Would you mind if I had a brief moment alone with Fitz? :'''May''': Come on, let’s go. :'''Fitz''': We’ll try again. The electrostatic pulse from the third rat seemed much less, so we’re making progress. If we can calibrate the antiserum… :'''Simmons''': Antiserum, yes. You finally got it right, Fitz. ''[Conks him on the head]'' I’m so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': I suppose now's as good a time as any to tell you that I may have misled you earlier. You see, when I gave you back the night-night pistol, I lied. It's still an ounce off. :'''Ward''': I know. :'''Simmons''': You do? Of course. :'''Ward''': After all...''[imitating the others imitating him]'' I'm Agent Grant Ward. I just jumped out of a plane without a parachute on and saved your life! :'''Simmons''': ''[laughing]'' Actually, that's not quite it. It's a bit more nasally than that. === ''[[w:The Hub (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Hub]]'' [1.07] === :''[Coulson, Ward, and May are being briefed on a special assignment to disarm a nuclear device]'' :'''[[w:Victoria Hand|Victoria Hand]]''': I need a two man team to sneak over the border, find the device, and disarm it within the next 48 hours. And you have two people who fit my bill. :'''May''': Ready to go. :'''Ward''': I was in Georgia when the incursion occurred. I still have contacts on the other side of the border. :'''Hand''': And you'll need them. But, we don't have specs on the device, so I need someone on your team who can recognize and dismantle it on sight. :'''Ward''': ...Do you mean... :'''Coulson''': I think she does... :''[Camera cuts to the commons area, where Fitz is arriving to meet Simmons and Skye with a cart full of tech. The door opens.]'' :'''Fitz''': I found a localized EMP, plus a few other party favors. ''[The door closes when the cart's halfway through]'' Oh, come on. What the... Open. It's stuck. ''[Coulson, Ward, and May arrive]'' The cart's stuck. ''[Fitz pulls open the door and turns back to the front of the cart]'' That's unbelieveable. ''[The door closes again]'' '''''WHAT THE HELL?!''''' Who designed this?! In the Hub, of all places! ''[He shoves the cart out the door, which closes on him.]'' Oh, that's... ''[Door closes, cutting off his voice. But he can be seen saying "fantastic".]'' :'''Ward''': ...Seriously? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': ''[disables an enemy and sees more arriving]'' Fitz! More Border Patrol! :''[Fitz has already gotten out of the truck and started running]'' :'''Fitz''': '''''ALREADY MOVING!!! HURRY UP!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[surprised after kicking a bad guy in the face]'' I just did that. :'''Ward''': ''[equally surprised]'' Yeah... :'''Fitz''': Let's go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': This is gonna take a while. :'''Ward''': You have ten minutes. :'''Fitz''': I thought you'd say five. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hand''': You yourself have designed dozens of operations like this. You know how this works. :'''Coulson''': Usually with an extraction plan. :'''Hand''': Barton. Romanoff. They never have an extraction plan. :'''Coulson''': They know that going in. === ''[[w:The Well (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Well]]'' [1.08] === :'''Coulson''': I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well. :'''Skye''': Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy. :'''Coulson''': Sure, he's handsome, but - :'''May''': ''[interrupting]'' No. He's dreamy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elliott Randolph''': Recent events have thrown us all for a loop. I thought I was teaching Norse mythology. No, turns out I'm a history professor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': So, the myth is your autobiography. :'''Randolph''': I didn't write it. I didn't want anyone to know about me. Then I had to open my big mouth. :'''Coulson''': Were you captured? Tortured? :'''Randolph''': Horny. I met a French girl in 1546. Ah, she loved stories. So I told her a great one, all about the peaceful Asgardian warrior who stayed. Now, how was I to know her brother the priest would write it all down and turn it into, I don't know, a thing? :'''Coulson''': Do you know Thor? :'''Randolph''': Oh, sure, [[Thor (film)|I spent all my days palling around with the future King of Asgard]]. No, I don't know Thor. I was a mason. [[Thor: The Dark World|I broke rocks]]. === ''[[w:Repairs (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Repairs]]'' [1.09] === :'''Fitz''': No! You do not touch that! Two semesters minimum of holographic engineering before you touch this! :'''Skye''': All right, All right. I get it. I didn't go to your stupid S.H.I.E.L.D. Hogwarts or whatever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': People believe what they want to believe to justify their actions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': You can catch a lot more flies with honey than with napalm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': She took it upon herself to get them out. Said she could fix the problem. So she went in, crossed off the enemy force, didn't say how. :'''Skye''': Did she lose anyone in there? :'''Coulson''': Herself. May used to be different. She was always quiet, she just...she was warm. Fearless in a different way, getting in trouble, pulling pranks, thought rules were meant to be broken. Sound familiar? But when she walked out of that building it was like that part of her was gone. I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't tell me what went down in there. :'''Skye''': What did you say? :'''Coulson''': I said the words I thought she needed to hear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': You can't undo what's been done. That will be with you, forever. But trying to hold on to this life, clinging to the person you thought you could be, that's hell. And you're dragging her down with you. You have to let go. Before my people come and make you do it. If you care about her, and I know you do, let her go. [''Coulson, Ward and Sky arrive''] Let the girl go, Tobias. Let the girl go. :'''Coulson''': What did you say to him? :'''May''': Same words you said to me in Bahrain. === ''[[w:The Bridge (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Bridge]]'' [1.10] === :'''Mike Peterson''': Did I beat Captain America's time? :'''Trainer''': Not even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': I'm just saying this could easily go sideways. The last time we saw this guy he was a raging homicidal maniac... ''[Peterson walks up]'' He's standing right behind me, isn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Po''': I spoke with the Clairvoyant. :'''Raina''': And? :'''Po''': I'll share the information when the time is right. :'''Raina''': I would love to hear much more than just information. Will you tell me what he's like? :'''Po''': Never. The last person who tried to learn these things got a knife for it. I don't want to have to do that again, Raina. You have such pretty eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': ''[to Skye]'' The truth is you have to decide why you're here. We have a mission, and it's not to find your parents. If you can't put aside your personal attachments, then you shouldn't be here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': I don't believe I've had the pleasure. :'''Coulson''': Lucky for you. === ''[[w:The Magical Place|The Magical Place]]'' [1.11] === :'''Skye''': You made me a sandwich? :'''Simmons''': ''[with great emphasis]'' Yes, it ''is'' that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hand''': No single agent is that important. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': Now, after all you've sacrificed - :'''Coulson''': Sacrifice is part of the job. I would give my life - :'''Raina''': You didn't just give your life, you gave up your chance at a normal one, at love. And she did love you, Agent Coulson. :'''Coulson''': How could you know that? :'''Raina''': Do you miss her? Dinners at the Richmond. Do you miss hearing her play? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': One thing before we start: what is it with the flowers? :'''Raina''': Who doesn't like flowers? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this. :''[Talks to her wrist binder]'' :'''Coulson''': Disengage bracelet. :''[Bracelet comes off]'' :'''Skye''': Are you kidding me? :'''Coulson''': I thought you'd like that. === ''[[w:Seeds (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Seeds]]'' [1.12] === :'''Fitz''': Is science and technology what you imagined, Agent Ward? :'''Ward''': Yep. No uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone. :'''Fitz''': No marching in place, no I.Q.s in double digits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': "Bad seed" isn’t a S.H.I.E.L.D. term, Ward. Just a term. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': We need to root out all the secrets. :'''May''': Agent Ward and I have been having sex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donnie Gill''': It's true what the other guys say - you are the smartest person to come through here. :'''Fitz''': Is that what they say? Yeah? Well, Simmons is probably smarter, technically, but that - that's just because she likes homework more than ''life itself''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Skye looks young enough to blend in. :'''Skye''': You’re not exactly Old Man River, and Fitz looks younger than us. :'''Fitz''': Time will come when you won’t make fun of me for that. You’ll be jealous. You’ll be jealous, wrinkly old hags. === ''[[w:T.R.A.C.K.S.|T.R.A.C.K.S.]]'' [1.13] === :'''Coulson''': Let me get that. :'''Simmons''': Oh. Thanks, Dad...who looks far too young to have a daughter my age. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': How's your Scottish accent? :'''Skye''': ''[in a poor Scottish accent]'' I don't know. You tell me how great it is, laddie. :'''Fitz''': ''[in a perfect American accent]'' American, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[to Skye]'' You're the least supportive pretend girlfriend I've ever had. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': ''[arguing with Coulson, pretending to act as his daughter]'' All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week? No! :'''[[w:Stan Lee|Passenger]]''': ''[interrupts]'' Excuse me, ma'am, I'm personally sorry for your loss. ''[turns towards Coulson]'' As for you, this is your chance to do better. :'''Coulson''': I understand. ''[the passenger walks away]'' :'''Simmons''': He's right. You never had time for her, but you had time for your work! And your prostitutes! :'''Coulson''': Prostitutes? Plural? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Fitz, have you ever heard of an 0-8-4 being a person? :'''Fitz''': No, but I suppose it's possible. I'd hate to meet the guy. === ''[[w:T.A.H.I.T.I.|T.A.H.I.T.I.]]'' [1.14] === :'''Coulson''': Garrett? What the hell are you doing here? :'''John Garrett''': Well, as opposed to the Level 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders. :'''Coulson''': You're the worst at following orders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Antoine Triplett''': How did Coulson score such a sweet ride? :'''Ward''': He died. :'''Trip''': That's tight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, I'm a bit of a sweet talker when I need to be. ''[about Ward]'' You wouldn't believe what I could talk this son of a gun into. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quinn''': My head's still ringing from the last visitor. :'''Garrett''': At least the last visitor left you with a head. I'm not always that considerate. I'm interested in one of your newer projects. :'''Quinn''': Hmm? Oh, but there are so many to choose from. ''[Garrett grabs him by the tongue.]'' :'''Garrett''': Let me be clear: you have no rights. You have no lawyer. The only thing keeping Agent Coulson here from throwing you out of this plane is the very weak heartbeat of a young agent downstairs, and the only incentive I have for not tearing your tongue out is that you use it to answer my questions. Is that clear? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us. :'''Garrett''': Trust me - it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into. :''[Fitz gives a worried stare]'' :'''Garrett''': Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy... :'''Ward''': It wouldn't be fun. :'''Fitz''': I'm not afraid - not yet. === ''[[w:Yes Men (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Yes Men]]'' [1.15] === :'''[[W:Jasper Sitwell|Jasper Sitwell]]''': You know, usually when a friend wants a favor they do something nice. Takes me to a nice restaraunt, buys me a bottle of wine. :'''Coulson''': Want to go to a movie? Hold hands? Okay, but I need to ask you a question first. :'''Sitwell''': I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in? :'''Coulson''': Clearly not enough. :'''Sitwell''': Something I can help you with? ''[Coulson stays quiet]'' Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti? :'''Coulson''': It sucked. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lady Sif sees Coulson, whom she belived dead]'' :'''[[W:Sif (comics)|Lady Sif]]''': What dark magic is this? Thor said [[w:The Avengers (2012 film)|you perished at the hand of Loki.]] :'''Coulson''': And he was right. For a while anyway. But Loki wasn't the only one with some tricks up his sleeve. Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had a few of their own. :'''Sif''': Thor will be pleased to hear it. He considers you a friend. :'''Coulson''': I feel the same. Which is why I prefer he hear it from me, if that's okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[W:Lorelei (Asgardian)|Lorelei]]''': I wanted gold! You bring me paper? :'''Rooster''': It's cash. It's like gold. This is the currency here. :'''Lorelei''': ''[points at a [[W:United States one hundred-dollar bill|$100 bill]]]'' And who's this ugly women? :'''Rooster''': That's... uh... that's [[W:Benjamin Franklin|Ben Franklin]]. He used to be president. He used to rule this whole country. :'''Lorelei''': And women can rule your land? Can they not? :'''Rooster''': You'd be the first. :'''Lorelei''': Yes. I will. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coulson discusses how to catch Ward and Lorelei]'' :'''Skye''': What can I do? And don't you dare say "nothing" or tell me to sit down here and count ceiling tiles while Ward is missing. :'''Coulson''': Ward's got drop boxes and storage lockers all over the world. They're filled with currency, weapons, ID's. He's gonna use aliases, cash, anything to keep Lorelei off the radar. You're the best radar we have. Find them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sif has Lorelei at sword point]'' :'''Lorelei''': Kill me. I'd rather die than go back to that place. :'''Sif''': You'll not get off that easy. :'''Lorelei''': Why? It's what you want. I can see it in your eyes. Or would you rather hear about how the man you loved followed me around like a dog? Hear of his touch? His kiss? The look in his eyes when I... :''[Sif silences Lorelei with the collar]'' :'''Sif''': You were saying? === ''[[w:End of the Beginning (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|End of the Beginning]]'' [1.16] === :'''Simmons''': We'd like to send a blood sample of yours to some colleagues to do a molecular breakdown. Maybe if you spoke to Agent Coulson... :'''Skye''': Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. If Coulson thinks it's important that this thing stays between us, then we should trust him, right? He's the boss. :'''Simmons''': So you're saying we should ''obey'' the rules? :'''Fitz''': Who are you and what have you done with Skye? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Felix Blake''': You a scorpio? I was just wondering why our newest agent paired the two of us together. Must have thought we were compatible in some way. :'''May''': It was random, Blake. :'''Blake''': You seem like a scorpio. :'''May''': You don't believe in the Clairvoyant, but you believe in astrology. :'''Blake''': I have some theories of my own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blake''': Mr. Peterson... stop. You have a son - Ace. He needs you. We can still help you, Mike. :'''[[W:Deathlok|Deathlok]]''': Mike Peterson's dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hand''': The plan was flawed from the start. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Vic. The plan was solid. :'''Hand''': We have an agent down because we weren't prepared. :'''Garrett''': Blake knew the risks. :'''Hand''': And don't call me "Vic." - It's condescending. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Impressive toy. :'''Fitz''': I prefer the term "hard-tech hardware." === ''[[w:Turn, Turn, Turn (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Turn, Turn, Turn]]'' [1.17] === :'''Hand''': You got something to say, Agent Shaw? :'''Shaw''': Apologies, ma'am. I'm just having a hard time killing the people we once called friends. :'''Hand''': Once that encoded transmission went out, everything changed. You understand that, don't you? We swore allegiance to each other. And today, that loyalty will be tested. If you waver you die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hand''': The worst thing you can do right now is to underestimate [[w:Hydra (comics)|Hydra]]. They hide in plain sight. They earn our trust, our sympathy. They make us like them. And when you hesitate, they strike. If we're to survive, we must learn to strike first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Fury would bury you for this. :'''Garrett''': Probably. Instead, he'll just have to roll over in his grave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You really believe all that crap spreading death and destruction? :'''Garrett''': I wouldn't say I'm a true believer. Let's just say I felt the wind changing direction and swung my sail. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': As for you, Agent Fitz, you'll hold a very high rank, run our tech division if you volunteer. If not, you'll have no rank and a lot of pain. Of course, either way, your services will be required. :'''Fitz''': You're gonna suffer for what you've done. And I I plan on being a very big part of that. :'''Garrett''': ''[chuckles]'' I like you, kid. === ''[[w:Providence (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Providence]]'' [1.18] === :'''Raina''': You're not Clairvoyant? :'''Garrett''': Hardly. But if it's any consolation, you weren't alone in believing, not by a long shot. :'''Raina''': So you're a liar. You're a fraud. :'''Garrett''': An artist. A con artist, perhaps, but an artist all the same. Had to pull the wool over S.H.I.E.L.D.'s eyes somehow to do what we set out to do. Remember what that was? :'''Raina''': To change the world. :'''Garrett''': Why don't you take a seat and let me show you how we're doing that? Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't dream of letting Ernesto cut your hair. :''[Raina takes a seat in the barber's chair]'' :'''Garrett''': ''[leaning in with a smile]'' Welcome to Hydra. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Skye, please tell me something good. :'''Skye''': We have internet. :'''Coulson''': Yay! And boy, have I lowered my expectations. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Nick Fury gave me this badge. When he did, I swore an oath, we all did. To serve when everything else fails, to be humanity's last line of defence, to be the shield. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Once we hit the fridge and grab all the fun toys tucked away inside we'll be able to take any base we want. :'''Kaminsky''': [''Lifts both hands straight in a Nazi salute''] Hail Hydra! :'''Garrett''': Alright, alright, put your arms down Kaminsky, you look like a West Texas cheerleader at pep rally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Fury sent us these coordinates for a reason. :'''May''': And what reason is that? :'''Coulson''': ''[snapping]'' I don't know, May! I don't know! There's got to be ''something'' here! This ''means'' something! This ''has'' to mean something! The world needs us! Hydra is out there! We cannot let them win! We we cannot let them define us! Do you understand that? We are not agents of nothing! We are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and that still carries weight! It has to carry weight! After everything we've been through, ''that carries weight!'' === ''[[w:The Only Light in the Darkness|The Only Light in the Darkness]]'' [1.19] === :'''Coulson''': Yeah, we're safe here. But what about everyone else? The people that don't happen to have access to a top secret, underground shelter? What about them? I don't know if it's wise, but it's right. I'm taking a team, and that's the end of it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[W:Eric Koenig|Eric Koenig]]''': So you're not gonna mention your grandfather? :'''Trip''': It's not something I advertise. Didn't want to be treated any different because I'm a legacy. :'''Eric Koenig''': If I was the grandson of a Howling Commando, I'd have that tattooed on my chest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric Koenig''': What's the difference between an egg and a rock? :'''May''': Edible. Not. :'''Fitz''': Well, that's absurd. The differences are- :'''Simmons''': -innumerable. If you want, I can start listing them but then- :'''Fitz''': -we'll be here all day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric Koenig''': You wash up on a deserted island alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box? :'''May''': Machete. :'''Trip''': A sat phone so I can call someone to get me off that island. :'''Fitz''': How big is the box? :'''Eric Koenig''': Just say the first answer that comes into your mind. What's in that box? :'''Fitz''': Simmons. :'''Simmons''': That's a hard one. Let me think. The TARDIS. :'''Skye''': I want to say my laptop, fully charged. But I don't want to seem subversive - with the Rising Tide and all... :'''Eric Koenig''': You're over-thinking it. :'''Skye''': The laptop would be stupid, anyway. There's no wi-fi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Koenig''': The NSA. You want to hack the NSA? That's a bad idea, Skye. That's a terrible idea. The NSA's already got S.H.I.E.L.D. on its watch list. Why poke the bear - the big, scary, waterboarding bear? === ''[[w:Nothing Personal (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Nothing Personal]]'' [1.20] === :'''Hill''': ''[to the numerous agents surrounding her]'' 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Really? If you were my agents, it wouldn't be for long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': ''[to Talbot]'' If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause then I won't come out. :'''[[W:Glenn Talbot|Glenn Talbot]]''': Hold your fire, soldiers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': We're not Hydra. We're agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''Talbot''': Well, right now, to the rest of the world, that's the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': You think I don't want to watch him suffer? :'''Deathlok''': Not suffer. ''Die''. Garrett doesn't think you're gonna let that happen. :'''Skye''': He's a murderer. :'''Deathlok''': Yes, he is. Are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hill''': Wow. I can’t believe he shot Lola. :'''Coulson''': I can’t talk about it. === ''[[w:Ragtag (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Ragtag]]'' [1.21] === :'''Coulson''': We have no authority to do this. We're no longer S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. We're... :'''Fitz''': We're vigilantes. :'''Coulson''': I was gonna say, "doing this because it's the right thing to do," but... yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': So if you're with me, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Garrett and Ward get away with murder. And I want my plane back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': I could've crossed off that drug lord without getting my picture taken. Single shot, half a mile away. :'''Garrett''': You're missing the point. I didn't want to just cross him off, I wanted to make a spectacle. People are killed by guns everyday in Bogota. But how often does a monster punch a drug lord's head clean off? Hell, that's international news! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Skye, Trip, get ready for a large file transfer. :'''Skye''': How large? :''[A filing cabinet comes crashing out the window]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': You know, I never gave you enough credit for this whole zen-warrior thing. But I got to admit, it'd be nice to feel nothing right now. :'''May''': You think I don't feel anything? :'''Skye''': Look at you. You're a statue. And you and Ward had a thing. So if anyone should be furious... :'''May''': I am. I'm furious. But I'm sure as hell not gonna waste it on a tantrum. I'm gonna mine it, save it. And when we find Ward, I'm gonna use every bit of it to take him down. :'''Skye''': Wish I knew how to use that hate-fu. :'''May''': I'm up most mornings at five. === ''[[w:Beginning of the End (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Beginning of the End]]'' [1.22] === :'''Coulson''': Backup isn't coming. It will be just the four of us. We'll be out-manned and outgunned, but Fury always said a man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people that share that conviction can change the world. So what do you say? Are you ready to change the world? :'''May''': No. I'm ready to kick some ass. :'''Coulson''': That works, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trip''': Sir, I bring the noise and the funk wherever I go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': You hear the dying breath of an old world, general, and a new world is coming. I've tasted it on my tongue. :'''Jacobs''': ''[pause]'' ''This'' is your strategy consultant? :'''Quinn''': He's...part time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Fury. Well, hell. When was the last time anyone saw a tag team wrestling match with four dead guys? :'''Coulson''': I only see one dead guy in here. :'''Garrett''': Oh, the power's all on this side of the room, fellas. Phil, I'm surprised you'd try and stop me. Course, I don't blame you, Nick. You haven't seen the big picture. The big bang. The timeless frozen ocean, but Phil here has. We share a bond. We're blood brothers. :'''[[w:Nick Fury|Nick Fury]]''': You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy. :'''Coulson''': He's really stepped it up a notch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An injured Garrett puts on the new Deathlok armor.]'' :'''Garrett''': There's a reason why they say, "Cut off the head." Now, I'll be unsto- :''[Coulson vaporizes Garrett with the 0-8-4 from Peru.]'' :'''Coulson''': Hey, guys. I found it. I told you it'd be in here. == Season 2 == === ''[[w:Shadows (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Shadows]]'' [2.01] === :'''[[w:List of Marvel Comics characters: M#Jim Morita|Jim Morita]]''': ''Guten Tag'' boys. Alright, nice and calm, no sudden moves or we'll tie a blasting cap to your—hey Dugan, what's the German word for nuts? :'''[[w:Dum Dum Dugan|Dum Dum Dugan]]''': I don't know, Jim. But tie a blasting cap to him, I bet we'll hear it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Peggy Carter|Peggy Carter]]''': These assets are now under the protection of the Strategic Scientific Reserve. They'll be hidden out of sight, indefinitely... as will you. :'''Hydra Officer''': Cut off one head, two more shall grow in it's place. :'''Carter''': Then I guess we'll keep cutting them off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You've said in your numerous public appearances that you have a facility where you're storing the technology and prisoners captured in the S.H.I.E.L.D. raids, yes? :'''Talbot''': Yeah, I'm flattered you keep up with my press. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': We have to fight on for him, for those we've lost. We have to take risks, so that the sacrifices they made were not made in vain, and then we'll disappear. === ''[[w:Heavy Is the Head|Heavy is the Head]]'' [2.02] === :'''Trip''': No need to think the worst till it shakes your hand and says hello. :'''Skye''': Is that another one of your grandma's sayings? :'''Trip''': Fortune cookie. Had some [[w:Kung Pao chicken|kung pao chicken]] the other night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Right now we have more important problems. A five-alarm fire otherwise known as Lance Hunter. :'''Skye''': Is he...? :'''Coulson''': Captured. But if he talks, our entire operation's compromised. We'll have to burn the base and evacuate. I know, and we've just retiled the bathrooms. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': I know you're the boss and you have to compartmentalize everything, but it's not healthy. You need to loosen up. Try yoga or something. :'''Coulson''': I tried it, but I'm really not flexible. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': I'm really sorry, tough to lose people you care about. :'''[[w:Lance Hunter|Lance Hunter]]''': Secret to that - don't get attached. :'''Skye''': Tried that. Didn't work. For you either. :'''Hunter''': You know, you remind me a bit of Izzy. Raw but sharp, you've got skills. Probably could earn you some real money in the private sector. :'''Skye''': As a mercenary? Yeah, I don't think so. :'''Hunter''': We prefer the term private military contractors. Don't knock it, everyone needs an exit strategy eventually. :'''Skye''': Not me. S.H.I.E.L.D.'s my life now. :'''Hunter''': S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't a life, it's just a job, means to an end. Remember that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': Hello? :'''Coulson''': Who is this? :'''Raina''': Agent Coulson, I'm glad you got my message. :'''Coulson''': Raina, as I live and breathe. :'''Raina''': It's been a while since we've spoken. :'''Coulson''': I'm kind of in the middle of a manhunt; can we make this quick? :'''Raina''': Why? You need time to trace this call, don't you? I take it then you haven't tracked down [[w:Absorbing Man|Mr. Creel]] or the item he stole. :'''Coulson''': What do you know about that? :'''Raina''': I know Hydra's about to get their hands on it. :'''Coulson''': Congratulations. :'''Raina''': Let me be clear - Mr. Creel is working for Hydra. I am ''not''. :'''Coulson''': Why the breakup? Bad dental plan? :'''Raina''': Hydra has only one thing on their minds - world domination, which is so [[w:World War II|1945]]. :'''Coulson''': What do you want Raina? :'''Raina''': It's what I don't want. Which is the obelisk falling into the hands of people who don't understand it. === ''[[w:Making Friends and Influencing People|Making Friends and Influencing People]]'' [2.03] === :'''May''': In the field you need to maintain control, whatever the situation: hostages, bombs about to go off. :'''Skye''': So what you're saying is what I just did was puny and sad? :''[May checks Skye's heartbeat]'' :'''May''': 61 beats per minute, consistent the whole time. Not that puny. Speaking of not puny... here, I want you to get used to this, it's a sniper rifle. :''[Hunter and Mack come by]'' :'''Hunter''': Pardon me, just one quick question, you went to S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, right? :'''May''': You didn't. If you did, you would've known better than to shoot us. :'''Hunter''': Apology number 470: I am very sorry Agent May... :'''May''': Don't be sorry. Just wait. :'''[[w:Al MacKenzie|Alphonso MacKenzie]]''': Uh, we were just having a little wager, so did you...? :'''Skye''': Go to the academy? Yeah, no. :''[Hunter sighs]'' :'''Mack''': Alright, well have fun with the inventory and remember: Koenig likes them neat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons enters her home gun drawn to find Coulson]'' :'''Coulson''': Did you think I wouldn't find out? :''[Simmons lowers her gun]'' :'''Coulson''': [[w:Sriracha sauce|Sriracha]]? Beer? That's all? What kind of ''diet'' is that? :'''Simmons''': Well, I also have tea. And if my diet is such a concern, then perhaps dead-drops shouldn't involve fast food. :'''Coulson''': We'll revisit that protocol. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': A gifted that refuses Hydra is a threat. And threats are taken care of quickly. :'''Skye''': ''[scoffs]'' That's the difference between S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra. :'''Ward''': And that's why Hydra will win. Because while a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent is considering right and wrong, Hydra's already taken the shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kraken (character)|Daniel Whitehall]]''': Why cling to the founding principles of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Freedom. Equality. Individual rights. These principles make mankind a plague on this planet. Think of a forest. It dries up and catches fire with the first spark. Now, mankind would fight that fire, believing every individual plant perfect in its own individual way. But it's the fire that's perfect. Essential. Now more magnificent plant species, like the giant sequoia, their seeds need the heat of that fire to crack open and be born. To literally rise from the ashes. And they will live for a thousand years. You don't need to keep burning. Rise. Be born. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': May shot me. :'''Trip''': Man. I wanted to be the one. === ''[[w:Face My Enemy|Face My Enemy]]'' [2.04] === :'''Coulson''': This is fun, right? Isn't this fun? Look - ''[Holds up his sleeves]'' Cufflinks! :'''May''': I will pay you $500 right now for a pair of flats. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[Hears a noise over the comms]'' Wait. What was that? :'''Coulson''': Yeah. That's May. :'''Skye''': Is-is she okay? Is everything okay? :'''Coulson''': Yes. She's laughing. I think the worst of it's over now. :'''May''': ''[Walks up to Coulson]'' My face hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': We're blown. :'''May''': Why? :'''Coulson''': No idea. I think Talbot's still pissed 'cause we kidnapped him that time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': ''[to Coulson]'' You know, I spent five long months in an enemy war camp. You people make me miss those days. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Hey, at least ''you'' got away from your ex. The guy ''I'' had a crush on is now the psycho living in our basement. :'''Mack''': You know, I wish I could relate, but all ''my'' exes are awesome [''grins'']. :'''Hunter''': Is ''that'' right? ''I'' seem to remember an entire ''year'' where you had to pretend you liked ''quinoa.'' :'''Mack''': Oh, yeah... that ''was'' a dark time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': I can help you - :'''Whitehall''': Raina, I'm not like most of the people with whom you interact. I'm not easily confused. I've been around too long to lose sight of what's mine. I generally don't do my own dirty work anymore. We should all aspire to do only that which we enjoy, don't you agree? But in your case, I will make an exception. === ''[[w:A Hen in the Wolf House|A Hen in the Wolf House]]'' [2.05] === :'''Simmons''': Do you have any idea what this means? We could kill millions of people, perhaps even billions. :'''Kenneth Turgeon''': Pretty awesome, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Hold on, are you saying that I'm an ''alien''?! :'''Coulson''': It's a theory. :'''Skye''': No, a theory is what scientists use to prove things in nature, this is you telling me that I might be an alien! That's ''not'' something you just say like it's no big deal! :'''Coulson''': I was trying not to rattle you. :'''Skye''': Guess what? ''Epic'' fail! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Have you been drinking? :'''Hunter''': I was working. Had to maintain my cover. :'''Skye''': Your cover as what? [[w:Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy|Ron Burgundy]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': If it hadn't have been for Agent Morse, I - :'''[[w:Mockingbird (Marvel Comics)|Bobbi Morse]]''': Bobbi. :'''Simmons''': - Bobbi, right. If it hadn't have been for Bobbi, I would never have made it out. Probably be brainwashed, happy to comply to who knows what. ''[whispers]'' She's amazing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Bobbi? :'''Bobbi''': Hey Hunter. Nice suit. :'''Hunter''': Nice suit - really, ''that's'' what you're leading with?! ''[pause]'' What did you do to your ''hair?'' :'''Bobbi''': Ever heard of "undercover?" :'''Hunter''': I prefer you blonde. :'''Bobbi''': Well, I didn't do it for ''you''. Two seconds in, there's ''already'' a tone. :'''Hunter''': This- this isn't a tone, this is my speaking voice when I'm upset with an ''unreasonable'' person! :'''Trip''': ''[chuckling, to May]'' What's the deal there? :'''May''': Hunter ever tell you stories about his she-Devil ex-wife? :'''Trip''': All the time. ''[He looks at Bobbi, May nods]'' ''Damn''. === ''[[w:A Fractured House|A Fractured House]]'' [2.06] === :'''Christian Ward''': ''[to Coulson]'' You may think you know Grant Ward, Mr. Coulson, but trust me. Underneath every lie he tells is just another lie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': ''[about Christian]'' He'll smile, bare his soul. It is all manipulation. He is a ''master'' at it. Look, I know what I am. But my brother? He's ''worse''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': I'm still a part of your team. :'''Coulson''': My team? You th-- You are not, nor you'll ever be, on my team. You dropped Fitz-Simmons out of a plane. You murdered Victoria Hand and Eric Koenig. You betrayed every one of us, you deluded son of a bitch! The only reason you're alive is because you were of ''use''! And the only reason you're being transferred is because your brother is of ''more'' use. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ward is being marched out of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and sees Skye]'' :'''Ward''': Skye... :''[Simmons steps protectively in front of Skye]'' :'''Simmons''': If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christian Ward''': Dignatares, ladies and gentlemen, less then 48 hours ago, brave men and women lost their lives at this very spot where I'm standing now, and I think we owe it to them to discuss something all often elusive - the truth. Sometimes we want something simpler than they actually are, but... the tough reality is, we are complex creatures. And I've come to understand something that the world must, as well. There is a difference between S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra. One was an organization built on protection, and the other - [[world domination]]. And just as good and evil existed side-by-side within S.H.I.E.L.D., the same was true in my own home. At first, I was ashamed to share this truth with the world, but my younger brother, Grant Ward, was a member of Hydra. He was a traitor. He was a traitor to his friends, his family, and his nation. When evil sits to ones own heart, that is when the surest hand must cut it out. I give my word. I will personally make sure my brother is punished for his crimes. But as is so often true, the darkness lingers longer than the light. And while S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone, Hydra is a problem that world must still face. Otherwise, that darkness will grow and spread and cast a shadow over us all. === ''[[w:The Writing on the Wall (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Writing on the Wall]]'' [2.07] === :'''Skye''': May gave out specific instructions: you go on a date with a crazy wall. I get to chaperone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Subtlety is key. :'''Bobbi''': You were dressed like a cowboy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I was put in charge of the T.A.H.I.T.I. project so those people are my responsibility. If going back in this machine saves even one life, then it's worth the risk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': In the history of bad ideas, this is light years ahead of everything. :'''Coulson''': No. Trying to bring dead agents back to life using alien blood blows everything else away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': He'll recover, he did before. Besides, brains never delete files, they just lose connections, but there's always a back up. It's just a matter of digging and finding them. :'''Mack''': So you've got back up files too? === ''[[w:The Things We Bury|The Things We Bury]]'' [2.08] === :'''Simmons''': Peggy Carter, founder, happens to be British, held this in her hand! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christian Ward''': ''[to Grant Ward]'' Listen to yourself! Just listen to yourself! You twist every act and blame it on somebody else! Mom and Dad were terrible, but they didn't put the match in your hand when you burnt down that damn house! And I didn't squeeze the trigger when you killed all those people! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christian Ward''': ''[to Grant Ward]'' You lie to yourself. You want to know why? It's simple. You can't reconcile all the ugly, horrible things you do with the hero you so desperately want to become. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': What are we talking about? Tesseract-level power? :'''[[w:Mister Hyde (comics)|Dr. Calvin Johnson]]''': Sure. I don't know what that is. :'''Coulson''': You realize we're talking life and death here. :'''Calvin''': I know! It's exciting, isn't it? I mean, both sides racing to the temple, life and death, flesh and blood, emotions! Who knows how it'll shake out? All I know is, my baby's gonna be right there in the center of it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Doesn't matter what I ask. I can't trust the answer. :'''Bobbi''': Write that sentence down, hand it to your therapist. === ''[[w:...Ye Who Enter Here|...Ye Who Enter Here]]'' [2.09] === :'''Sam Koenig''': ''[to Raina]'' Sorry, but you're gonna need a lanyard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': I wish I could give you some advice, but I've never been friends with a guy first. It's always been a roller coaster. Fast out of the gate, hit the drop, the turn, the loop, the screeching halt, then back in line to do it all over again. :'''Simmons''': But is the ride worth it? :'''Bobbi''': I'll let you know when it's over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': There are three million people on this island, and I'm ''not'' going to let Hydra turn them into collateral damage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': Be honest, Skye. Haven't you ever felt lost or had that feeling that you were part of something bigger? Like you were special? :'''Skye''': When you say "special," what you really mean is "alien." :'''Raina''': Is that what you believe? We're human, Skye. We just have the potential to be more. But the Diviner? Now ''that'' is most definitely alien. :'''Skye''': Where do you get this stuff? My father? :'''Raina''': Partly. But my grandmother came from a long line of special people who believed in a story, about the blue angels that fell from the heavens. The ancients called them the Kree. :'''Skye''': And what do the Kree want? :'''Raina''': Change. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Skye, I give you my word; come with me, we won't fire a single shot. Everyone gets out alive. :'''Billy Koenig''': Good one. Is that what you told my brother before you killed him? :'''Ward''': How many of you ''are'' there? === ''[[w:What They Become|What They Become]]'' [2.10] === :'''Skye''': ''[to Ward]'' Maybe you don't remember, but we've played this game of "let's kidnap Skye" before, and it didn't end well for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calvin''': ''[to Skye]'' I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, that I couldn't protect you. That I couldn't teach you about the stars...''[voice breaking]'' Or sing you to sleep. I know I'm a terrible disappointment, but I'm here now. And everything that's about to happen is supposed to happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calvin''': ''[to Skye]'' I'll make plenty of time to answer all of your questions. But first, now that he's served his purpose, I'm gonna kill the man who destroyed my life. Best day ever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[after shooting Ward]'') Never turn your back on the enemy. ''You'' taught me that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': This is your one chance to walk away, or I will kill you. :'''Calvin''': Okay. I'll go. But I'll be waiting for you. After you change, no one else will understand. They'll be afraid. Change is terrifying. But I'm your father, and I love you. I will always love you, Daisy. === ''[[w:Aftershocks (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Aftershocks]]'' [2.11] === :'''Coulson''': We did not fail! Trip prevented a disaster, and Whitehall's dead. We cut off the head. And while Hydra scrambles for a new one, I will crush them! I'm gonna make somebody pay, whoever the hell it is! <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': "You'll never take us alive!"? Really? A little over the top, don't you think? :'''Coulson''': I only had a day to come up with this whole thing. Besides, if I let you write the script, no one would say anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calvin''': Raina, let's not lose our heads. :'''Raina''': What happened to me!? :'''Calvin''': Metamorphosis, by the look of it. :'''Raina''': I was supposed to become something divine, something transcendent. My grandmother said I'd be an angel, not some gnarled freak of nature covered in thorns. :'''Calvin''': You always ''did'' like flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': I can't live like this. My insides feel like gravel. I cut myself when I move. ''[crying]'' I can't live as this repulsive creature. :'''Calvin''': Then ''don't''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': There's something very wrong with me. :'''Fitz''': No, you're just different now. You're just different now, and there's nothing wrong with that. === ''[[w:Who You Really Are|Who You Really Are]]'' [2.12] === :'''May''': Not bad. But once I'm pinned, you should try for a finishing blow. :'''Skye''': You want full ''[[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat]]''? :'''May''': I want you to stop holding back, Skye. :'''Skye''': I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to try to hurt you. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of…I don't know. :'''May''': Look... we lost Trip, and it hurts like hell, but you can't shut those feelings out. Can't sustain that. :'''Skye''': What's my option? l just might lose it right here? :'''May''': We've talked about this. Control. Embrace your emotions, your nerves. Use them... on your terms. :'''Skye''': I don't know. What I'm feeling…is pretty dark. I'm afraid I'm gonna go postal and tear your head off. :'''May''': Go for it. I promise you won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Skye is my friend. She's different. :'''Fitz''': Oh, yeah. Like ''I'' was your friend, and then ''I'' changed. How did you handle that? :'''Mack''': Uh, t-the point is, secrets don't help any of us. Skye should have just come clean. :'''Fitz''': What, and risked being locked up, studied, or who know what else? No, I wouldn't let her. :'''Simmons''': Oh, ''you'' wouldn't let her. :'''Mack''': We could have handled her in a way that could have kept everybody safe. :'''Morse''': It wasn't fair to us, Fitz. We had a right to know. :'''Fitz''': A right to know. What - is that the same way that Sif and the Kree had the right to know? :'''Hunter''': I think the situation is a bit different, mate. :'''Fitz''': No, you would have done to her exactly what they wanted to. :'''Simmons''': You don't know that! :'''Fitz''': Yes, I do know that! They would - you would - you'd "handle her"! Mack just said! Like, uh... like Skye's something to be locked up in a cage somewhere. We should be protecting her. :'''Mack''': No, Fitz. ''We're'' the ones that need the protection from her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sif''': Yet you do not serve a king? :'''May''': Not really how it works with us. :'''Sif''': I wonder if I serve the king as the great warrior you say I am. :'''May''': Odin? Oh, we know you do. You've met him. :'''Sif''': Shut... up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sif''': Kava means keys. :'''Coulson''': Keys? :'''Sif''': A device used to unlock... :'''Coulson''': Yeah. I know keys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sif''': Coulson, your people make decisions based on logic. :'''Coulson''': Usually. :'''Sif''': Usually. As do mine. :'''Coulson''': Leaving Skye with us is the logical choice, I promise. :'''Sif''': No. No. That is not what I mean. Asgard is millennia beyond you in our pursuit of science and knowledge. And we have learned there are some things that can never be understood. :'''Coulson''': Is this little talk one of 'em? === ''[[w:One of Us (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|One of Us]]'' [2.13] === :'''Dr. Andrew Garner''': I haven't worked with S.H.I.E.L.D. in a long while. I moved on for a reason. :'''May''': It's a different S.H.I.E.L.D., Coulson's the director now. :'''Garner''': Okay, but why me? Is this Skye that bad? :'''May''': She's that good. A good agent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Tell me about the wedding. I'm thinking May could go either way... understated or full bridezilla. She can be a control freak. :'''Garner''': I'm not here to discuss my ex. :'''Skye''': Did you guys have actual conversations? You know, like, pillow talk, or was it just pillow stern looks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garner''': ''[about Skye]'' She thinks the world of you. :'''May''': Well, I taught her how to fire an automatic. Of course she likes me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karla Faye Gideon''': Maybe it would make more sense just to forget about S.H.I.E.L.D. M-Move on. I mean, haven't they robbed us of enough? :'''Calvin''': That's the point. We can't forget. We can't just slink away and let them take from us. From me! They took my little girl. They stole her from me, and they still have her. She isn't safe there. Losing a child, it, it tears you apart! I'm just like you. I wasn't strong. I couldn't protect the people I loved. So I tried to change, improve myself, with chemistry. Results were inconsistent. Some volatility issues. But I keep working on a formula. Always tweaking. We can't stop now. We can't let them make us afraid or make the world afraid of us! ''They'' are the criminals, and we're gonna shine a light on that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': You were right. For a while there, it all went to hell. It was bad. But now Bobbi and I work for an organization, an outlier that came out of the wreckage from what Fury left. :'''Hunter''': What organization, Mack? Who the hell are you working for? :'''Mack''': S.H.I.E.L.D. The real S.H.I.E.L.D. === ''[[w:Love in the Time of Hydra|Love in the Time of Hydra]]'' [2.14] === :'''Robert Gonzalez''': You must be Lance Hunter. :'''Hunter''': And you must be crazy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[to Skye]'' Things change. That's what I'm saying. So maybe if you can learn how to control this, then... you could have Avenger-level powers, something like Captain America, even. :'''Simmons''': I think it best we keep in mind the unstable natures of Skye's power. If there is an Avenger equivalent, right now I'm afraid it's The Hulk. :'''Fitz''': Well, Hulk, saved the world, last I checked. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': So that's what this is about; you guys don't want Coulson in charge. I'll be the first to admit the guy's not perfect. Sometimes chews with his mouth open, tends to hog the mic on karaoke night. But other than that, he's not so bad really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': I know what you're going through. My family did a number on me. Stripped me down, left me hollow. I was a shell. So, when someone finally did come along and offer to build me back up, I didn't resist. Even though what he really did was make me a killer. :'''Kara''': But you seem so well-adjusted. :'''Ward''': It was a long road. Took getting locked up to give me some perspective. But then I paid my family a visit. They were surprised to see me, but I think that eventually, we were able to dig in, really express our feelings. :'''Kara''': That's it? :'''Ward''': I haven't looked back since. You are the only one who can find yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': Lieutenant, when was the last time I got your name right? :'''Lieutenant''': Never. Sir. :'''Talbot''': You are correct. === ''[[w:One Door Closes|One Door Closes]]'' [2.15] === :'''May''': The last person who betrayed me? I broke his larynx. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': The most dangerous kind of pain is the kind you can't feel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': I wish you wouldn't stare. :'''Skye''': Uh - :'''Gordon''': Th-that was a joke. I'm not very good at them. I don't mind that you're curious, honestly. And, yes, I used to have eyes. They were blue. This? This was the obvious change for me, but what happens inside can be just as profound. You see, the mist changes everyone differently. The real difference between the two of us is what happened after we went through the mist. :'''Skye''': What do you mean? :'''Gordon''': I knew from an early age how special I was. Had a mentor, a guide of sorts. And the first thing she did after I transformed was embrace me. Tell me, Skye, what was the first thing that S.H.I.E.L.D. did to you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzalez''': Nice office. Lots of light. :'''Coulson''': You haven't even delved into the record collection. :'''Gonzalez''': I have no plans of moving in. You may not know who I am, but I - :'''Coulson''': Oh, no. I actually know quite a bit about you, Robert. You started in S.H.I.E.L.D. young, like me, dropped out for awhile when your wife passed, but then came back with a vengeance, rose to command the Iliad three years later and, by all accounts, became one of the best commanders S.H.I.E.L.D. ever had. I know this because I spent months searching for you when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, because I'd heard you were a good man, 'cause I wanted you on my team. :'''Gonzalez''': I wish I could say the same. I wish you were the man you were even two years ago. But by all accounts, you're not. :'''Coulson''': You didn't know me then, and you don't know me now. :'''Gonzalez''': I know that Fury brought you back from the dead. :'''Coulson''': Right. I didn't ask for that. But I've come to appreciate the gesture. :'''Gonzalez''': And that he filled your veins with alien blood. God knows what that did. Weaver thinks it made you into some kind of a messenger for an alien race. Can you say with certainty that that's not true? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You really think they're gonna help you? :'''Gonzales''': Every member of your team is a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. We'll let them make their own decisions. :'''May''': ''[shoots Gonzalez with an Icer]'' Already made mine. :'''Coulson''': That's really a nice entrance. === ''[[w:Afterlife (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Afterlife]]'' [2.16] === :'''Lincoln Campbell''': Gordon's the only one who knows where we are, and he's the only way in or out. It keeps us secret and safe from the outside world. :'''Skye''': Or it keeps us prisoners. :'''Lincoln''': You're not very trusting, are you? :'''Skye''': I woke up naked on a table in a place no one can even point to on a map, so call me crazy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': Our gifts don't have to be terrifying. They're a part of us. I felt lost before I came here, too. Looking for answers in the all the wrong places. But we're connected to something bigger and older than than we could have ever imagined, something extraordinary. Don't walk away from it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calvin''': ''[to Gordon]'' You clearly have an unfair advantage, and we clearly don't see eye to eye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': What happened to you? :'''Raina''': Destiny, apparently. I wanted to be set free, but now I can't even bear the light of day. I dread being awake, but my sleep is filled with such horrible nightmares. Children are so afraid of monsters. They should know it's worse to be one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzalez''': This is not about Coulson. It's not about me. It's not about anyone on this ship. It's about S.H.I.E.L.D. We cannot afford to be enemies to each other when there are new threats out there waiting for the moment we are at our weakest. A house built on shifting sand will fall. And without a strong and united foundation, S.H.I.E.L.D. will fall again. === ''[[w:Melinda (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Melinda]]'' [2.17] === :'''Eva Belyakov''': I've had their pain. Now give me yours. :'''May''': Come on. I've got plenty to share. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': You know it's really impressive for Jiaying to take anyone under her wing. :'''Skye''': Yeah? :'''Lincoln''': Yeah. :'''Skye''': I like her. I just... I can't... What's her role here? :'''Lincoln''': Her role is, in charge. So really she must like you. :'''Skye''': If she's in charge, how often does she train people? :'''Lincoln''': Since I've been here... let me see... never. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jiaying''': Your gift is quite destructive, but look at the music you can make. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Something bad happens every time I feel settled somewhere. I'm twenty five and I have never spent more than two years anywhere. The second I made friends at the orphanage; gone. And God forbid I called a foster family home; pack your bags. I got the news on my birthday once, which is a complete farce because I don't even know when I was born. :'''Jiaying''': I'm so sorry. :'''Skye''': S.H.I.E.L.D. was the closest I ever came to having a family. I belonged there, saw what I could be. Even that ended with agents hunting me through the woods. :'''Jiaying''': We're not going to turn on you, or abandon you. This is a safe place. :'''Skye''': See, you say that but I know you're not being straight with me? Why do you care if I stay or go and why are you... :'''Jiaying''': July second. You were born on July second. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': I dream of Skye and her father at dinner. A bouquet of daisies. And she's so happy. :'''Lincoln''': It's not a dream. === ''[[w:The Frenemy of My Enemy|The Frenemy of My Enemy]]'' [2.18] === :'''Calvin''': You know what doesn’t have the smell of buttery goodness wafting out of it on your way to work? :'''Skye''': A currency exchange? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Johnson - Is that your last name? :'''Calvin''': Was. Pretty ordinary, huh? I changed it to something more sinister when I went on the run. :'''Skye''': Daisy Johnson. Huh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': What are you made of? :'''Deathlok''': Whoever you are, you don't want to do this. I'm a friend of Skye's. :'''Lincoln''': Sure. And I'm the Hulk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Three men, heavily armed - bet there's more where they came from. :'''Ward''': Does it matter? They got a cyborg on board with rockets in his arm. :'''Coulson''': He's not a cyborg - he's a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent... with rockets in his arm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': ''[to Mack and Bobbi after a fire fight between S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra]'' I doubled back after Hydra took off. The cleanup crew really sucks, doesn't it? === ''[[w:The Dirty Half Dozen|The Dirty Half Dozen]]'' [2.19] === :'''Coulson''': Robert. It's good to see you. :'''Gonzales''': Is it? :'''Coulson''': Okay. It's good to see my bus. But, hey. You look well, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raina''': Don't give up hope just yet. Skye can save Lincoln. I saw her do it. :'''Skye''': ''[confused]'' Wh - You've ''seen'' it? :'''Gordon''': We think Raina's gift may allow her to see things before they happen. :'''Skye''': I thought her gift was [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|spinning really fast to collect gold rings]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': If you didn't want me to go, then why did you vote to allow it? :'''Gonzales''': Because Coulson's only using his own people. Figured it was worth the risk. :'''Bobbi''': Those are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents going on that mission, Robert. :'''Gonzales''': I'm aware of that, Agent Morse. We're fighting a war with an enemy that is without honor. Sometimes, we make sacrifices for the greater good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Can we just address the elephant on the plane? I know. This is weird. Mistakes were made. :'''Fitz''': By you. :'''Ward''': And people got hurt. :'''Fitz''': By you. :'''Ward''': And I could stand here and explain again how my parents - and brother left me vulnerable... :'''May''': ''[scoffs]'' We all had our traumas, Ward. Didn't turn any of us into psychopaths. :'''Ward''': Well, we all have our own ways of coping, don't we? For example, I was yours. :'''Coulson''': Watch it, Ward! :'''Ward''': Look, I'm just saying we all made mistakes. Coulson handed me over to my abuser, thank you. Skye shot me- :'''Simmons''': After you killed how many people? :'''Fitz''': Yeah, and we were a team and a family, and you betrayed us! :'''Ward''': I know. It's what I regret the most. Not the lying, the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents I had to put down, and I'm sorry not even dropping you two in the ocean. It's this. My actions destroyed this. I'll regret that forever. 'Cause there were good times. Right? Before? I mean, for a while there, we were a good team. Weren't we? :'''Skye''': ''[dramatic pause]'' I'm still happy I shot you. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, me too. :'''Simmons''': Should've aimed for the face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzales''': ''[holds out the Tool Box]'' Time to honor our agreement. :'''Coulson''': ''[Takes the Tool Box, opens it, hands it back]'' Here you go. Unlocked and all yours. Go nuts. At least until Fury shows up and asks for it back. ''[pause]'' Oh. Spoiler alert. ''[His cell rings]'' Oh. Hey. ''[He shows Gonzales that it's a call from Maria Hill]'' I have to take this. === ''[[w:Scars (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Scars]]'' [2.20] === :'''Lincoln''': You never should have come for me. :'''Skye''': I had to, Jiaying wouldn't allow it if I... :'''Lincoln''': There's a reason for that. The only thing that's kept us safe all these years is that we were a secret. Now S.H.I.E.L.D. knows we exist, and they won't stop until they find Afterlife. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': The indexing? They just asked a lot of questions. I'm sure you guys already have my blood from when I was out, right? :'''Coulson''': It's protocol. :'''Lincoln''': Hydra said the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': Our ancient ancestors called themselves Inhumans and we just want to be left alone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': You're really going to let Captain Ahab just waltz in there and have a fireside chat with Skye's mom? :'''Coulson''': I am, though that is a really strange way of putting it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': If I don't put my faith in them, then S.H.I.E.L.D. will fall apart all over again. :'''Hunter''': Hate to break it to you, but S.H.I.E.L.D. will also fall apart if a dozen angry enhanced blokes rain terror on us all. === ''[[w:S.O.S. (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|S.O.S.]]'' [2.21-22] === ==== Part I ==== :'''Hunter''': Forget about the plane. Can you pull up the... :'''Fitz''': Footage of Bobbi. From the base. Before she left. Good idea. :'''Hunter''': You know I am capable of finishing my own... :'''Fitz''': Sentences. Yes, you are. Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[showing Hunter footage of May and Bobbi]'' Okay, that's May. :'''Hunter''': Yeah. And that's the woman that once set my 1967 convertible GTO on fire. The question on the table is not who, but where! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': What'd you do with Skye? :'''[[w:List of Inhumans#Marvel Cinematic Universe|Alisha]]''': Follow me and I'll show you. ''[splits into 4 versions of herself and they move in different directions]'' :'''Mack''': I can't wait to get off this boat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[after seeing her mother kill S.H.I.E.L.D. agents]'' She just killed them. All of them. Didn't even think about it. :'''Mack''': Yeah, I thought ''my'' mom was bad when she started watching Fox News. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alisha''': I'm headed downstairs to secure the armory. I'm also upstairs in the conference room. ==== Part II ==== :'''Fitz''': ''[excited]'' Sir! Good news. I modified my field generators to act in unison as a quantum field disruptor. :'''Coulson''': Great. You're saying you found a way to shut down Gordon's teleportation ability? :'''Fitz''': ''[deflated]'' Well, now my news sounds less good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Taking a bullet for me was stupid. :'''Bobbi''': Walking into a trap when you know it's a trap is stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': What the hell took you so long? :'''Coulson''': It's a big boat. With poor signage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': It's Gordon, right? :'''Gordon''': And you are? :'''Mack''': I'm the guy that kills Gordon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': I'm trapped in here! That's not possible! What did you do? :'''Fitz''': Science, biatch. == Season 3 == === ''[[w:Laws of Nature (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Laws of Nature]]'' [3.01] === :'''Coulson''': How's he doing? :'''Skye/Daisy Johnson''': Okay- for now. :'''Coulson''': Third incident already this month, but at least we're able to get our hands on this one. :'''Daisy''': The rate of new cases is increasing. :'''Coulson''': We knew it would, after the initial reports. :'''Daisy''': A new Inhuman could emerge ''anywhere'', without any idea what's happened. :'''Coulson''': Only in the continental U.S. so far. Plus, this new aircraft can stay in the air much longer than the old plane. Days, really, so rapid response anywhere is- :'''Daisy''': ''[grins]'' You ''love'' your new toy, don't you? :'''Coulson''': ''[smiles]'' I ''very'' much love my new toy. But, even with the mind-boggling range on this puppy- :'''Daisy''': Inhumans are still disappearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': ''[on the Black Ops group who are capturing Inhumans]'' They're ''not'' Hydra. You know I've been digging, and my street sources tell me Hydra's gone silent. ''Eerily'' silent, yes, but- :'''Coulson''': Yep. The Hydra finances we track are static; no money's changing hands. :'''Hunter''': And by the looks of the hardware these gung-ho nutters are using, they're well-funded. ''[holds up one of their guns]'' :'''Coulson''': So, if this woman's not Hydra, what is she? :'''Mack''': ''[indicates her files]'' Everything else? I mean, look at this- two years, CIA- :'''Hunter''': Is that MI6? :'''Mack''': Yeah, at which time she was consulting with the [[Centers for Disease Control and Prevention|CDC]], apparently. :'''Coulson''': All under different aliases. :'''Hunter''': Hmmm- I ''like'' her. :'''Mack''': How we supposed to track down someone like this? We can't look ''everywhere''. :'''Coulson''': If we can trace that hardware, that'll give us a place to start. ''[to Hunter]'' Take that down to Bobbi in the lab- have the team analyze it. :'''Hunter''': ''Ohhh'' no, no, no- no, I- I'm not going anywhere near Bobbi. ''[Coulson and Mack give each other incredulous looks]'' :'''Coulson''': Fine, I'll take it to her myself. ''[removes his mechanical forearm]'' I wouldn't want you to do anything that makes you ''uncomfortable.'' :'''Hunter''': Yeah, I know that's sarcasm, and I'm choosing to accept your thoughtfulness at face value. :'''Coulson''': Mack, you should head downstairs, assist Skye with intake. :'''Mack''': Daisy. :'''Coulson''': Daisy! Damn it. ''[shakes his head]'' Hard for us to get used to, huh? ''[Hunter and Mack shrug]'' :'''Mack''': Mmmm... No, just you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': My name’s Bobbi. As in the name usually short for Robert, but in my case, Barbara, which, to me, is worse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': This is my partner, Mack- we're just going to talk. :'''Joey Gutierrez''': ''[to Mack]'' So- she's the greeting party, and you're the muscle, huh? :'''Mack''': Believe me- ''she'' is the muscle. === ''[[w:Purpose in the Machine|Purpose in the Machine]]'' [3.02] === :'''Bobbi''': Who is Professor Randolph? :'''Coulson''': This monolith has been studied for centuries. Well, Randolph's actually been on the planet for those centuries. And he's traveled through space in a portal. And he's also an alien. So, he's got a lot going for him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': This looks a lot like it was made to hold... :'''Fitz''': The monolith! This machine was designed to control the portal. To open and close it at will. :'''Coulson''': Do you know that? Or is that just what you hope it to be? :'''Fitz''': Well there's only one way to find out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': If the point of the machine was to resonate the room at a certain frequency; I can do that. :'''Coulson''': And you can replicate it? :'''Daisy''': Kind of drilled into my brain. :'''Coulson''': And it could kill you. How long to you think you could hold it? :'''Daisy''': Maybe a minute. :'''Coulson''': If it's too much, you pull back. I can't lose you too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Skye, hey? Skye are you okay? Skye? :'''Daisy''': It's Daisy. :'''Coulson''': What? :'''Bobbi''': It's Daisy now sir. You're really having a hard time with this huh? :'''Coulson''': Damn it, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garner''': You know why most people take psyche, right? They're trying to figure out families. :'''[[w:Werner von Strucker|Werner von Strucker]]''': You got me there. You wouldn't believe how messed up [[w:Baron Strucker|mine is]]. === ''[[w:A Wanted (Inhu)man|A Wanted (Inhu)man]]'' [3.03] === :'''Coulson''': Simmons didn't have to go through quarantine- which is good, all things considered. :'''Mack''': What exactly are these things that we're considering? :'''Bobbi''': Everything that comes with being on another planet for months. :'''Fitz''': Different atmosphere, different levels of oxygenation, different microgravity- every system in her body's out of whack. Cardiovascular, inner ear, respiratorial, got used to being... not here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Daisy, I need you to monitor all law-enforcement activity near Lincoln's last known location. :'''Daisy''': How 'bout we take a team and go look for him ourselves- :'''Mack''': No. The A.T.C.U.'s on a witch hunt for powered people. :'''Daisy''': I'm not afraid of them. :'''Coulson''': No, but they're terrified of you. Which makes them dangerous. Until we know where he is, you're not going out there. :'''Daisy''': ''[annoyed]'' Permission to speak freely? :'''Coulson''': ''[smiles]'' Do I have a choice? :'''Daisy''': I could've talked him in, if you didn't put an unsolicited tracker under his skin. :'''Mack''': If you didn't call to alert him, then- :'''Daisy''': Why wasn't I told? :'''Coulson''': We thought you were a little close to the situation. :'''Daisy''': ''[angry]'' Of course I'm close to the situation! You asked me to assemble a team, and I accepted. I didn't expect to be undermined- :'''Coulson''': ''[curtly]'' You know what I didn't expect? A global outbreak, the A.T.C.U., their Inhuman manhunt. I didn't see all that coming, to be honest. I wanted to assemble a team, to get ahead of the problem, but that didn't happen. So, Daisy? ''[looks pointedly at her]'' :'''Daisy''': I'll scan law-enforcement channels. :'''Coulson''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': So, you trust Spud? :'''Hunter''': ''[tsks]'' Trust is a strong word, for a psychopath. He's a murderous thief who I once saw bite a man's nose clean off. But, he'll get us through the door. ''[pause]'' You'll find this funny. Back at H.Q., we've got a little wager going- on what happened between you and the good doctor. ''[May reaches for a knuckle-duster]'' My guess is? You walked away. Not in a huff or anything, just couldn't stand the constant ''talking, sharing''- :'''May''': It's true, I don't like a lot of talking. ''[slaps her brass-knuckled fist into her palm]'' This fight? It's our way to Ward, so if you're gonna do this, you ''need'' to ''win''. :'''Hunter''': You suggesting I can't win? :'''May''': I'm not saying you can't- but, I know I can. :'''Hunter''': Spud runs with a type. And, if that type sees some small, Asian woman ''destroy'' a wannabe Hydra thug in a bare-knuckle brawl, that type will talk. And word might spread up the ranks. :'''May''':... I see your point. ''[drops the knuckle-duster]'' :'''Hunter''': ''[smiles]'' You're just anxious to bash some heads after being out of the game. ''[pause]'' Look, I've rarely lost a fight, when I'm sober- which, I plan on being. And, I can take a punch, so worst case I'll do that 'till the other guy tires out. ''[May stares at him for a moment]'' :'''May''': So... how much do you have riding on this bet that I left Andrew? :'''Hunter''': A significant sum. :'''May''': ''[nods, smiles]'' Well... you lost it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': ''[to the three huge Hydra recruits she just decked]'' How 'bout I do you a favor, and not tell anyone... that a tiny little Asian woman kicked your ass. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rosalind Price''': ''[on Lincoln]'' He's extremely dangerous- :'''Coulson''': He wouldn't be, in our custody. :'''Price''': We're not going to harvest him for parts, if that's what you're worried about. We're not Hydra. :'''Coulson''': You say that now. What's so important about him? :'''Price''': Are you serious? He could bring down a plane. Feels like a man worth talking to- :'''Coulson''': I have another theory: the President makes a big speech about this new organization he's put into place. I imagine that puts a lot of pressure onto you. ''[Price looks away]'' Pressure to show results. :'''Price''': ''[turns towards him]''... You're not wrong. And that's why I'm taking him in. ''[glances out at the sea]'' But why are we here, Phil? We waiting to watch the sunset together? 'Cause if you didn't come here to make a deal, then what do you want? :'''Coulson''': You have an ace up your sleeve, and I'm tired of waiting for you to play it. :'''Price''': Is that so? :'''Coulson''': We have surveillance from the hospital, which means there's another picture, you chose ''not'' to put on T.V. === ''[[w:Devils You Know|Devils You Know]]'' [3.04] === :'''Price''': ''[after finding her team, Mack and Daisy holding each other at gunpoint]'' Everybody, stand down! S.H.I.E.L.D.'s not the enemy, and you definitely don't wanna piss off the young Agent Johnson here. ''[indicates Daisy, who glares at her]'' We've got about ''nineteen'' Agent Johnsons on our side, though none that can take down a building. ''[Coulson appears at her side]'' Rosalind Price, by the way. :'''Daisy''': Coulson? :'''Coulson''': It's okay. The A.T.C.U. is here to help. :'''Mack''': Really? 'Cause the other day, they wanted Daisy's head for their trophy case! :'''Coulson''': Agent Mackenzie. :'''Price''': Bit of an exaggeration- but, that was then, and this is now. And, right now, we're here to contain a threat, same as you. Fan out! ''[she and her team move out]'' :'''Daisy''': ''[angrily to Coulson]'' I get that you cut a deal with them, but for the record- :'''Coulson''': It's a means to an end. :'''Daisy''': ''[sharply]'' Ours, or theirs? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I think the conspiracy nut in you had a few too many lattes this morning. :'''Daisy''': I did have a latte. It was a double. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Where are you taking the victims? :'''Price''': That's classified. Oh, it's not fun when it's you, right? Can't believe I just said that to the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''Coulson''': You know, I'm really not feeling the spirit of cooperation here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': I know you're looking for signs of PTSD, but I assure you I'm fine. :'''Garner''': You've been through something pretty extreme. There will be after-effects, and that's okay. It's okay to struggle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Mr. Frye, we can help you, but you have to trust me. This Lash is not some angel of mercy. :'''Dwight Frye''': No, he's no angel. He's just a guy trying to do the right thing. === ''[[w:4,722 Hours|4,722 Hours]]'' [3.05] === :'''Simmons''': Next time you have doubts about whether someone is real, ask them to hit you. :'''Will Daniels''': I'll keep that in mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Perhaps it's best if we start over since we're going to be working together. :'''Will''': Working together? On what? :'''Simmons''': On getting home. :'''Will''': There's no getting home. Sooner you accept that the better. Survival's all that matters. :'''Simmons''': I will not accept that. There's always hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Eat, shower, or sleep? What are you gonna do first when we get back? :'''Will''': Eat. Please. Who you talking to? What're you gonna do? :'''Simmons''': Ummm, I'm going to eat in the shower and fall asleep while doing it. :'''Will''': That's very efficient. I expect nothing less. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Will''': If you're not with NASA, how did you get into the monolith? :'''Simmons''': It's not with NASA anymore. It's with S.H.I.E.L.D. They've had it for quite some time. I'm not sure how or why. :'''Will''': That's real, S.H.I.E.L.D? :'''Simmons''': It was, I was recruited right out of the academy. :'''Will''': I was a test pilot for the Air Force, recruited by NASA. Now here I am. :'''Simmons''': Here we are. At least you volunteered. :'''Will''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': ''[having lost the opportunity to return to Earth]'' You were right. There's no hope on this planet. :'''Will''': That's what I used to think. Then you showed up. === ''[[w:Among Us Hide...|Among Us Hide...]]'' [3.06] === :'''Daisy''': Lash was tracking us. He knew where our truck was. He needed inside info for that. :'''Coulson''': You think he's got access to ATCU information? :'''Daisy''': No, I think he's in the ATCU. We know that he can transform himself into a regular size guy and back. What if he's hiding out as one of them? :'''Coulson''': That's a scary thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Andrew didn't get ''all'' the details exactly right. He said there were four men on the scene, but only three bodies were recovered: Coulson's man and two Hydra guys. The ''fourth'' guy was one of Andrew's students. ''[brings up the I.D. for "Alexander Braun"]'' That's his I.D., but it's an alias. He's not Alexander Braun. ''[glances at Bobbi]'' He's Werner von Strucker. :'''Bobbi''': Wait, von Strucker? As in- :'''May''': ''[nods]'' Hail Hydra. :'''Bobbi''': ''[nods]'' Ward was starting his own little Hydra dynasty. ''Cute''. :'''May''': We find the Strucker kid, he'll lead us back to Ward. :'''Bobbi''': You got a how? :'''May''': S.H.I.E.L.D's been monitoring several Hydra bank accounts for a while now, one just woke up. Cayman Islands. :'''Bobbi''': Strucker needed funds, makes sense. So what's the op? :'''May''': How's your Mandarin? :'''Bobbi''': ''[in Mandarin]'' You tell me. :'''May''': If we head down there, maybe we'll pick up his trail. He's on the run from Ward. From us. Almost makes me feel sorry for the kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': What, you don't think I should help Simmons rescue Will? :'''Hunter''': Do you think you should? He's the competition. If your girlfriend's ex wants to visit from Phoenix, you do not buy him a plane ticket. :'''Fitz''': That's really specific. Anyway, this guy kept Simmons alive. I owe him. He deserves my help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Is that a person? :'''Daisy''': Oh god. :'''Hunter''': Is he dead? :'''Daisy''': No they're monitoring him. He's alive. :'''Mack''': But in, some kind of what... a coma? :'''Daisy''': This is ATCU. This is where they're storing Inhumans they find. Like animals in cages. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': Safe as houses. :'''Daisy''': What? :'''Lincoln''': It's an expression, people say that. :'''Daisy''': Sure. And someday you can tell me how you survived the Dust Bowl and the Hoover Administration, Grandpa. :'''Lincoln''': That's an ugly side of you, Daisy. === ''[[w:Chaos Theory (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Chaos Theory]]'' [3.07] === :'''Coulson''': The ATCU is looking for a cure. I'm not suggesting that's for everyone, because it's not, but some people might want to... :'''Daisy''': We are not a disease. :'''Coulson''': I didn't say that you were. :'''Daisy''': You can't just expect people to go through that kind of change and immediately have a handle on it. Do you remember how scared I was at first? :'''Coulson''': Yes, I also remember you iced yourself so that you wouldn't hurt any of us. You've got to admit, things are getting out of hand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Just admit it, you're afraid of people like me. Afraid of our power. :'''Price''': Absolutely. Do you even know your own strength? Could you take down this plane for instance? :'''Daisy''': I wouldn't do that. :'''Price''': But if you wanted to? You could kill me right now. Mankind's scary enough as it is, some psycho gets a gun and watch out. But now, people are their own weapon. :'''Daisy''': Not everyone is like... :'''Price''': Some is enough. That's all it takes. :'''Daisy''': You only see the terrible things. :'''Price''': That's not true. :'''Daisy''': I protect people. :'''Price''': It doesn't matter. :'''Daisy''': How can you say that? :'''Price''': Because for every Daisy Johnson, there's a Lash and it's ignorant for you to think otherwise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Price''': So, are you gonna tell me what really happened? Cause I'm not quite buying this shark attack bit. :'''Coulson''': You're not buying that? One of my men cut it off. Saved my life. :'''Price''': By chopping off your hand? :'''Coulson''': Kind of had to be there. :'''Price''': Does it hurt? :'''Coulson''': Everyday. :'''Price''': Phantom pain. The thing that's missing is the thing that you feel the most. :'''Coulson''': Makes it hard to forget. :'''Price''': So maybe you don't. But it's also important to look ahead. See what's in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after May shoots Andrew into the containment unit and is shown to have survived]'' :'''Coulson''': How did you know that wasn't going to kill him? :'''May''': I didn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gideon Malick''': Revenge only provides a temporary pleasure. :'''Ward''': But a pleasure nonetheless. :'''Malick''': You should think on a grander scale. :'''Ward''': Oh, it'll be grand. I'm going to cut off the head of S.H.I.E.L.D., because without Phil Coulson, S.H.I.E.L.D. won't grow back. === ''[[w:Many Heads, One Tale|Many Heads, One Tale]]'' [3.08] === :'''Malick''': The octopus is one of the great symbols of Hydra. Supremely intelligent, highly adaptable, and they are ruthless killers. A nearly perfect predator. Same could be said of you. :'''Ward''': Well it's a terrifying symbol, but not my idea of dinner. Then again, I am adaptable. I hope you can be too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[flight attendant hands Ward two bottles of alcohol]'' :'''Ward''': Thank you. These should keep me warm. This gonna get you in trouble? :'''Flight Attendant''': Up here, I control everything. :'''Ward''': Always? You ever find yourself completely out of control? :'''Flight Attendant''': I'll be in Moscow soon enough with a day off. Come see for yourself. :'''Ward''': I wish I could, but I'm not going to Moscow. This was the only flight I could find passing over Zepkow. ''[whispers into her ear, she backs away in terror]'' ''[on intercom]'' Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. You may experience some turbulence coming up. Don't be alarmed. That's just your pilot diving to equalize cabin pressure before you freeze to death. Oh, and, uh... from all of us here at Hydra, thanks for flying the friendly skies. ''[clicks detonator, explodes out of airplane]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Do you love him? :'''Simmons''': I don't know. I think... yes. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, of course you do. He's strong and smart. And you gave each other hope on the edge of nowhere. :'''Simmons''': Don't do this Fitz. :'''Fitz''': You think I didn't look for dirt on him? I did, and there's nothing. I can't hate him, he's great. Why else would you fall for him? He did everything right. :'''Simmons''': And you dove through a hole in the universe for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malick''': I know you're all about rebooting Hydra and all that. But do you know much about our history, our origin? :'''Ward''': Yeah, World War II, [[w:Red Skull|Red Skull]] used Nazi funding to build this old empire... :'''Malick''': ''[laughs]'' Red Skull was following the principle that Hydra was built upon, that the ultimate power was not of this world, but Hydra... well, we're much, much older than that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malick''': Thousands of years ago, an Inhuman was born on this planet that was destined to rule it, so powerful, so fearsome that others were consumed with dread, and so they banished it from the Earth, sent it through the portal to a distant planet. Hydra was founded with the sole purpose of engineering its return. Over generations, Hydra's taken different shapes. The entity has been given different names. But every generation has sent men through the portal, hoping to save or at least serve our leader on the other side. Now we're building an army for it to command when it returns, and you and I will rule beside it. :'''Ward''': Okay. That's, uh... a lot to take in. :'''Malick''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, it's a tall tale. I know. :'''Ward''': And why exactly should I believe a word of it? :'''Malick''': Because we're closer than ever to the final chapter. We're gonna write it ourselves. But you don't have to believe me. I know you want revenge, to cut the head off of S.H.I.E.L.D., to watch it writhe. I'll help you do that. :'''Ward''': And in return? :'''Malick''': You'll help me learn how S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to achieve something with the portal that Hydra, in thousands of years, has never been able to accomplish. :'''Ward''': And what is that? :'''Malick''': They brought someone back. === ''[[w:Closure (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Closure]]'' [3.09] === :'''Price''': Any sensible girl would [[w:Tinder (app)|swipe left]] in this moment. :'''Coulson''': Honestly, don't know what means. :'''Price''': You're such a Luddite. :'''Coulson''': You know I have a flying car right? :'''Price''': Yeah. It's from the '60s. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Now you know how it feels, Coulson, to have someone you care for bleed out right in front of you. :'''Coulson''': Ward? :'''Ward''': I gotta admit, it still sounds funny when you don't say "agent" first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coulson, Hunter and Bobbi have kidnapped Grant Ward's younger brother, Thomas Ward, and taken him prisoner aboard the Quinjet]'' :'''Thomas Ward''': Please don't kill me. :'''Bobbi''': Nobody wants that. :'''Thomas''': That's not very reassuring when he's got a gun to your head. :'''Hunter''': I hate to break it to you but your brother isn't a very nice guy. :'''Thomas''': You're the one who just kidnapped me. What's wrong with you people? :'''Coulson''': Ward hurt someone I care about. And as far as we can tell, you're the only thing left in this world that he cares about. Which means, you're the only way I can draw him out. :'''Thomas''': Okay... but you better finish him off when you do. :'''Hunter''': ''[surprised]'' Honestly I wasn't expecting that. :'''Thomas''': It's what Grant's always done; hurt people and lie to himself about it. :'''Hunter''': So all that talk about a "traumatic childhood" is... just rubbish then? :'''Thomas''': Sure, whatever he told you about our parents is true. See my Dad, he had some... real anger issues, and my Mom... well she had Dad issues. So they spent most of their time taking those issues out on us. :'''Bobbi''': What about your brothers, you're close? :'''Thomas''': Christian was a lot older, so we never really hung out much, but Grant... he was my best friend. Protected me from Mom and Dad, and Christian. Then one day he... didn't. :'''Coulson''': The day he pushed you down the well. :'''Thomas''': Grant totally changed after that. It was like he felt guilty but couldn't admit what had really happened. Instead he kept promising never to let anyone hurt me again. :'''Hunter''': Slightly unnerving coming from the guy who just chucked you down a well. :'''Bobbi''': You two keep in touch? Family reunions, holidays, that sort of thing? :'''Thomas''': Grant was 17 when he burned my parents house down with Christian inside. Ever since I've made sure to give him a pretty wide berth. :'''Hunter''': ''[to Coulson]'' Pretty sound logic actually. :'''Bobbi''': Well, you don't really seem like your brother. :'''Thomas''': Just because you grow up in a family of abusive monsters doesn't mean you have to become one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thomas''': Grant? :'''Ward''': Thomas... you okay? :'''Thomas''': Is everything they're saying true? :'''Ward''': Don't listen to them, they're the bad guys. They killed someone I love very much. :'''Thomas''': Then why is this happening? :'''Ward''': They know how much I care about you. They wanna hurt me. :'''Thomas''': It's been almost 15 years. :'''Ward''': I tried to see you, Mom and Dad made that impossible. They kept you hidden. :'''Thomas''': That wasn't Mom and Dad, that was me. I changed my name and moved so you'd never find me. :'''Ward''': Why would you do that? :'''Thomas''': 'Cause I didn't wanna let you hurt me again! :'''Ward''': That was one time. :'''Thomas''': Really? One time? Then explain what the hell you did to Mom and Dad! :'''Ward''': Thomas... :'''Thomas''': No you killed them! And Christian too! :'''Ward''': You know what type of people they were, they hurt us both, I couldn't let that happen again. :'''Thomas''': Dad needed a walker to get around, who was he gonna hurt? :'''Ward''': I know this is tough to hear, but sometimes you gotta do a bad thing for the right reasons. :'''Thomas''': Stop trying to justify what you did, just stop! You know they were my parents too? And yeah, they were horrible people, but you are so much worse! You set them on fire! :'''Ward''': Thomas, calm down, listen to me for a second... : ''[Coulson takes the phone from Thomas]'' :'''Coulson''': Time's up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I spent every second since you murdered Rosalind trying to understand just how your sick mind works. :'''Ward''': Shouldn't be that hard. We're not that different, you and me. It's not like we operate in different worlds, Coulson. We both got blood on our hands. === ''[[w:Maveth|Maveth]]'' [3.10] === :'''Bobbi''': All we have to do is take control of the castle and open the portal so they can return. :'''Mack''': So, just take the ultra-fortified Hydra castle and open the alien portal. That's it? You know, you're wired different than most folks. :'''Bobbi''': I'm not saying it'll be easy. :'''Hunter''': I wouldn't mind hearing it's gonna be easy. :'''Bobbi''': It'll be easy. :'''Hunter''': Doesn't work if I know you're lying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': So how long you been here? :'''"Will"''': Feels like forever. :'''Ward''': ''[looks at It's bed, which has room for two people]'' So you're how Simmons managed to survive all those cold nights, huh? ''[pretends to offer Fitz his gun]'' Maybe you wanna pull the trigger? :'''Fitz''': Grow up Ward. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fitz and It discover the ruins of an ancient city on Maveth]'' :'''Fitz''': Jemma never told me there was an ancient civilization here. ''[takes pictures with his phone]'' :'''"Will"''': She never saw it. We're still in the No-Fly Zone. :''[they continue walking]'' :'''Fitz''': What else do you know about the ancient city? What happened to it... ''[It collapses on his damaged leg]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hang on, ''[helps It up]'' hang on. Let me fix that. ''[takes off his backpack and begins searching in it]'' :'''"Will"''': There used to be nine cities on this planet. The beings who lived there were fairly advanced. But they feared change, they were easily divided. They warred among themselves, destroyed their entire race. :'''Fitz''': You seem to know a lot about them. ''[pulls out a first aid kit and prepares to tend to It's bandaged leg]'' :'''"Will"''': They had a chance, to become something great, something beautiful, but, in the end... :'''Fitz''': How do you know so much about... ''[pulls aside the bandage to discover that Will's leg has rotted to the bone]'' :'''It''': Because I was there. :'''Fitz''': You're not Will. :'''It''': No. Will died saving Jemma. From ''me''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ward''': Saw something terrible today. When I say "terrible," I mean ancient and powerful. It's changed how I see things. I've never believed I was worth anything... that what I said or did had any meaning. Maybe that's why I'm a spy. Or why I agreed to come here. :'''Coulson''': If you're trying to talk me out of this, you can save your breath. :'''Ward''': I'm not looking for mercy or absolution. I just want you to know, I've been where you are right now. Filled with rage, wanting revenge... I chose Hydra for petty, personal, selfish reasons... for a father figure, for vengeance... for closure. But what I saw today gave my life meaning. For the first time ever, I have a sense of satisfaction that I never experienced when I was seeking revenge. :'''Coulson''': ''[shoots Ward in the arm]'' Gotta say, feels pretty satisfying to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Malick sees Ward's reanimated corpse possessed by Hive]'' :'''Malick''': Well I'll be damned. === ''[[w:Bouncing Back|Bouncing Back]]'' [3.11] === :'''Coulson''': So we're your black-ops response? :'''President Ellis''': Isn't black-ops where you feel most comfortable? :'''Coulson''': I certainly prefer it to bureaucracy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Invisibility. Imagine the possibilities. :'''Bobbi''': What are you imagining? :'''Hunter''': Nothing fun. :'''Bobbi''': Get used to it. Can't put the Terrigen genie back in the bottle. Powers are the new normal. :'''Mack''': Maybe you're just jealous. :'''Hunter''': Damn right I am. Tell me you didn't try one of those little fish oil pills. I had my fingers crossed for X-ray vision. ''[pause]'' I was just curious! I wasn't the only one. :''[Mack looks at Bobbi]'' :'''Bobbi''': I mean I thought about it, I didn't actually do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': How do you lose someone as big as Mack? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': ''[Tied to a chair in Elena's apartment]'' The chair's an upgrade. At least there's that. :'''[[w:Yo-Yo Rodriguez|Elena 'Yo-Yo' Rodriguez]]''': ''[In Spanish]'' I don't know what you're saying. :'''Mack''': Yeah, I don't know what you're saying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': ''[Gathering intel on Elena]'' She works a clerical job in a museum. At night, art classes. :'''Hunter''': Artist turned gun runner. Kinda sexy. :'''Bobbi''': No record. :'''Mack''': It doesn't add up. :'''Hunter''': She's got powers. That's how it adds up. ''[At Joey's and Daisy's hard looks]'' Andrew was a lovely head shrinker before he turned into a not so lovely Inhuman serial killer. :'''Mack''': Point made. === ''[[w:The Inside Man (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Inside Man]]'' [3.12] === :'''Bobbi''': So, what do you know about this conference? Other than small, secret, just a few countries. :'''Daisy''': They're calling it a "Symposium on the Alien Contagion". No wonder everyone is afraid of us, when they use words like that. And you know, we're only part alien- and it's not a ''disease'', it's an awakening. :'''Bobbi''': ...Interesting word choice. :'''Daisy''': I mean, for me. Terregenesis... made me who I was supposed to be. It's given me a gift, and I use it to stop bad people from doing bad things. :'''Bobbi''': Unfortunately, ''some'' of those "bad people" are also Inhumans. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, well you know who ''else'' does bad things? Humans! But you ''don't'' see any "Symposium on the ''Human'' Contagion!" :'''Bobbi''': ''[shrugs]'' Humans, we know. ''Inhumans'' are brand new territory- people fear what they don't understand. ''[pause]'' Any word from Lincoln? How's his, uh, field op with May going? :'''Daisy''': ''[shrugs]'' It's just a trial run. But, having been there myself, I'd say... he's miserable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': What's in the case? :'''Fitz''': It's the Director's new toy. Something we've been working on. :'''Hunter''': Does it kill, stun or disintegrate? :'''Fitz''': It makes gloves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': I don't care what they call it. It's a dress. You must be loving this. :'''Coulson''': You're the president's official representative. It's a customary way to honor them for hosting the symposium, and you look very dignified. :'''Talbot''': It's all loosey-goosey under there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Great. Coulson's in trouble, this place is crawling with armed Hydra agents, and we have no weapons. :'''Hunter''': Not strictly true. ''[reveals batons and guns he was hiding in a serving tray]'' Buon appetito. :'''Bobbi''': I love you. :'''May''': I don't hate you quite as much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': ''[to the Hydra agents taking him prisoner]'' You gentlemen interested in changing jobs? The good guys are hiring. You don't get to kill people in cold blood, but we've got a really good retirement plan. === ''[[w:Parting Shot|Parting Shot]]'' [3.13] === :'''Hunter''': If we get to Malick, have we got the green light? :'''Coulson''': You want to assassinate a former member of the World Council on Russian soil knowing that if we get caught, or our actions are tied to the US government in any way, that it'll be considered an act of war? :'''Hunter''': So, you're saying...? :'''Fitz''': Pretty sure that's gonna be a "no". :'''Coulson''': It's a big "no"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Bobbi and I were on holiday picking mushrooms... :'''Inspector Duval''': In the woods of Siberia in the dead of winter. :'''Hunter''': Do you know a better place to find the jumbo chaga mushroom? Because I certainly do not. :'''Duval''': You were caught with a weapon standing over a dead man. :'''Hunter''': An unfortunate circumstance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': I really should stretch before running. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': He was just doing his job. :'''Hunter''': So was Stalin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobbi''': We took an oath. To BE the shield. :'''Hunter''': To protect those in danger. === ''[[w:Watchdogs (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Watchdogs]]'' [3.14] === :'''Fitz''': Hey, hey. The residue from the bombs. It's got nitromine in it. :'''Daisy''': I don't know what that is, but your tone of voice makes it sound bad. :'''Fitz''': It's uh, Howard Stark developed it after World War II. It causes implosions. :'''Mack''': Uh. That's weird. :'''Daisy''': Weird, how? That they got their hands on it? :'''Mack''': Nitromine isn't stable enough to be used in a gel based explosive. Or, at least it shouldn't be. :'''Fitz''': So, the Watchdogs have been making improvements to nitromine. :'''Daisy''': Well... just, just to be clear... :'''Fitz''': Actually, I think I've got some sodium hydrogen acetate back in Zephyr 1. :'''Mack''': That'll help if we encounter any more bombs. :'''Daisy''': ''[Shakes her head in confusion]'' Sodium hy... :'''Fitz''': Hydrogen acetate. :'''Fitz and Mack''': It neutralizes nitromine. :'''Daisy''': Okay. Thank you, nerd herd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': ''[observing the imploded building]'' Do we take this to bring back with us? Study it? :'''Fitz''': Uh, yeah, sure. Have you been working out? 'Cause it weighs, like, 100,000 tons. It's a building. :'''Mack''': So... no, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Don't give me hope, Jemma. I don't want hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': What does he think you do? :'''Mack''': Insurance. :'''Fitz''': Well, not any more, I'd wager. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Alphie? Thank you for that. === ''[[w:Spacetime (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Spacetime]]'' [3.15] === :'''Daisy''': With Mack on bed rest, we could use the extra muscle. :'''Coulson''': He's the only one with extra muscles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Is this even possible? :'''May''': That's a dumb question. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Got to admit this time stuff's always been a little over my head. Like, in [[w:The Terminator|Terminator]]. If John Connor's alive and able to send his friend back in time to save his Mom to make sure he's born, doesn't that mean he doesn't have to? :'''Lincoln''': I... uh... I never saw the original Terminator. :'''Coulson''': You're off the team. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lincoln''': Don't worry about me, sir, worry about yourself. :'''Coulson''': Because Daisy saw me shoot her? :'''Lincoln''': Because I'd kill you if you did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': I know what's coming. :'''May''': Then get off your ass and show me. === ''[[w:Paradise Lost (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Paradise Lost]]'' [3.16] === :'''Coulson''': This is not Ward. :'''Daisy''': Sure is creepy like Ward. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': We think Ward's body was possessed, for lack of a better word, by It. The creature. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Giyera uploaded his data to a set of servers in Schoonebeek. It's on the Dutch-German border. It's an abandoned oil field. :'''Coulson''': So Hydra’s in the oil business, now? It’s like they’re not even trying to avoid the bad-guy cliches. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': You're gonna tell us everything you know. About Malick, about your plans, about that thing you brought back through the portal. :'''Giyera''': I should thank you. Without S.H.I.E.L.D., he never would've made it home. :'''Mack''': ''[chuckles]'' Wow. You're really drinking the Kool-Aid, aren't you? Oh, this leader of yours must be a real charmer. :'''Giyera''': We don't have leaders. We're working towards a common goal. :'''Mack''': That's what they tell you when you join a cult, but it's actually not true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Hive (comics)|Hive]]''': I thought it was time. :'''Malick''': Time for what? :'''Hive''': To reveal my true self. === ''[[w:The Team (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Team]]'' [3.17] === :'''Yo-Yo''': What is Hydra? :'''Daisy''': Kidnapping Inhumans, global terrorism, all-around bad dudes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': May! You can't even walk! :'''May''': But I can still fly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malick''': I believed that I could resurrect a god. But instead, I freed the Devil. :'''Coulson''': Only technically. I mean, all the ancient Satanic creation myths, they were based on him, which you knew. :'''Malick''': The Devil promises everything and then lets you destroy your own world. I sacrificed my brother to him. Still, he took my daughter. And that image... of her body lying on that floor... I failed her. What else matters? :'''Coulson''': What you do next matters. :'''Malick''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you trying to sell me on the idea that I can set everything right? :'''Coulson''': I'm trying to sell you on revenge. I have an image, too, of a body on the floor... Rosalind Price. Love turned to rage in that moment. So I hunted down and murdered Grant Ward. Not to serve any good. Not to serve any belief. I wanted revenge. I wanted to feel him die. That's the sin that gave your Devil new life. :'''Malick''': To come and take everything we love. :'''Coulson''': Let it turn into rage. Tell me how to stop him. :'''Malick''': This god has outlived... :'''Coulson''': I've met gods. Gods bleed. :'''Malick''': I never saw my last rodeo being with S.H.I.E.L.D... What would you like to know? :'''Coulson''': Start with everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Hive destroyed the most sacred thing for a team. Trust. I know you want to destroy Hive for what he's done to you. We all do, and we will. I know you want revenge. But we have to be better, we have to do what's best for the team. It's times like these, when there's no clear path, that I understand why people pray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fitz and Simmons kiss]'' :'''Fitz''': ''[breaks off]'' Sorry. Starting over, didn't mean to push too fast. :'''Simmons:''' Too fast? Fitz, it's been ten years. We can't waste any more time. === ''[[w:The Singularity (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Singularity]]'' [3.18] === :'''Mack''': How's he holding up? :'''May''': No one comes to me with their feelings. :'''Mack''': Makes sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Coulson has another way. But it's risky and irresponsible. :'''Mack''': Then why are you smiling? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Things are about to get complicated. :'''Simmons''': You mean once we have sex? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': How you been James? :'''[[w:Hellfire (J.T. Slade)|James]]''': You know, just catching up on my soaps. What brings you out here in the middle of nowhere? Did you break things up with blondie, looking for a lap to cry on? :'''Daisy''': Are you drunk? :'''James''': Well, I'm Australian, so yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You mess with a man's family, all bets are off. === ''[[w:Failed Experiments|Failed Experiments]]'' [3.19] === :'''Hive''': The world fears our kind of power because not everyone has it. Only billionaires can build [[w:Iron Man|iron suits]]. Only the military can make [[w:Captain America|super soldiers]], which can only lead to a war of its own. Whereas I plan to apply a more... collectivist philosophy. :'''Dr. Holden Radcliffe''': Does, uh... Does that mean we can get started? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Ok, the plan's simple. Go in, kill Hive, get out. :'''May''': What's protocol when it comes to the other Inhumans in town? :'''Coulson''': Do not engage unless absolutely necessary. These people are under Hive's control. We don't want to hurt them. I can't be with you on the ground, but I will be watching your helmet feeds. Be careful and be smart. This may be our only chance to catch Hive by surprise. :'''Mack''': And worse case scenario? If Hive can't be killed? :'''Coulson''': I suggest running. Very fast. Away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': You didn't see Daisy. She acted like we were still best of pals, all while threatening to murder me. :'''Simmons''': No, you're right. I didn't see that. I was much too busy listening to the disgusting face of Grant Ward act like my dead boyfriend. :'''Fitz''': That's true. That sounds worse. :'''Simmons''': Right. If this was a competition, then I'd win. I had to shoot him three times just to shut him up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Hey! This area is authorized for Hydra personal only. Who the hell are you? :'''James''': Hello gorgeous. I'm James. Single, 33, originally from Brisbane. I'm a Leo, with a little dab of Scorpio thrown in there for good measure. I like a decent drink, a decent meal, an indecent lass and not necessarily in that order. And you are? :'''May''': Nauseous. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Was that a spaceship? :'''Coulson''': It's too small. Looks like more of a satellite. :'''Mack''': Why am I not relieved? === ''[[w:Emancipation (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Emancipation]]'' [3.20] === :'''Talbot''': I'm here because the president sent me. [[Captain America: Civil War|Sokovia Accords are the law of the land now]]. He's concerned you may have undocumented enhanced assets working for you. :'''Coulson''': And why would he think that? :'''Talbot''': Because he's not a moron. C'mon Phil, it's time for S.H.I.E.L.D. to come in from the cold. Relegitimize. :'''Coulson''': In exchange for revealing and registering any Inhumans we may have? Not gonna happen. :'''Talbot''': Why are you so pig-headed? It's good enough for the Avengers. :'''Coulson''': Not all of them. And the Avengers operate in the spotlight, we work in the shadows. :'''Talbot''': What's going on in those shadows Phil? That's what I want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': Well well well, if it isn't the hothead who tried to kill my bodyguard. :'''Lincoln''': What's he doing in here? I thought this was a germ-free zone. :'''Coulson''': I see you two remember each other. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Armageddon. Whatever he's doing is pure evil. I'm talking end of times, biblical evil. 2000 years of darkness evil. :'''Yo-Yo''': You need a beer. And some faith. :'''Mack''': You ever wonder if that's a word we use to fool ourselves? To give us false hope? :'''Yo-Yo''': That's how evil wins. When good people begin to doubt, and run the other way, instead of stand up and fight. You see it everywhere. In Colombia we have a saying ''El mal presas los débiles porque miedos fuertes''. :'''Mack''': Evil preys on the weak because it fears the strong. :''[Yo-Yo winks at Mack]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': Do you have any idea how to stop him? You make him sound invincible. :'''Coulson''': Calm down general. You'll pull something. :'''Talbot''': Calm down? This is an end-of-the-world type deal! Don't you tell me to calm down! I'm the one who tells you to calm down! ''[pause]'' How are you so calm anyway? :'''Coulson''': I'm getting used to this sort of thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': This is Agent Daisy Johnson. I'm coming home. Repeat. I'm coming home. === ''[[w:Absolution (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Absolution]]'' [3.21] === :'''Yo-Yo''': ''[about the kill switches to hers and Lincoln's vests]'' Would you really use these? ''[Mack looks away solemnly, but doesn't reply]'' Good. Because I'd rather die than be anyone's slave. :'''Mack''': I don't know why you're on this damned mission. It's too dangerous. That's why you should have this. ''[hands her back her cross]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': What do you think you're doing? :'''Mack''': I'm giving you your cross back. You need it more than I do. :'''Yo-Yo''': This isn't a lucky rabbit's foot. This is a symbol of faith! Who would return such a gift? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': You think I'm not romantic? I'm gonna do something with you on that island that will take your breath away. :'''Fitz''': What is... eh... are... are you... what? :'''Simmons''': Snorkelling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': When Hive takes over a body, he steals that person's memories. That's as close to stealing a soul as you can get. :'''Mack''': Memory is the scribe of the soul. :'''Daisy''': [[The Bible]]? :'''Mack''': [[Aristotle]]. What? I have dimensions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': The worst part about Hive is, when he's making you hurt the people you care about, he makes you love him for it. If Hive isn't the Devil, he's the closest thing to it you and I will ever see. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Hey. :'''Hive''': Sorry. Having trouble; my memories. You were in that one. :'''Daisy''': Do you have any idea what you did to me? :'''Hive''': Yes. I remember. You're in pain. :'''Daisy''': ''[getting down on her knees]'' Please... take me back. === ''[[w:Ascension (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Ascension]]'' [3.22] === :'''Hive''': You know, killing me won't make the pain go away. Or will it? I can't remember. :'''Daisy''': I don't want you to die. I want you to suffer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Even when I tried killing him, he beat me. My powers are nothing compared to Hive. :'''May''': I don't give a damn about your powers. They're not what made you an agent. I did. :'''Daisy''': You have no idea what I did. I have nothing left. :'''May''': Why did Andrew save you? Yeah, you did a lot of bad things. All you can do now is balance the scales, do some good. You wanna give up? Live in a box? Go ahead. But that hurt stays in there with you, believe me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I'm just here to offer a helping hand. Pun absolutely intended. :'''Hive''': You have given me exactly what I need to defeat them, your body. I'll shed this host and take you, and march down to announce to the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that I finally succeeded in defeating the great Alveus. The day is won. No need to remain concealed in the shadows. :'''Coulson''': Yeah, you sound just like me. :'''Hive''': Oh I will. Once I'm in that head of yours. I can't wait. We're two sides of the same coin Coulson. Commanders leading soldiers. :'''Coulson''': The only difference is when you give an order, your followers have no choice but to obey, but when I gave my team the order to stay behind they just wouldn't listen. They got out, right before docking was complete, climbed along the top of the fuselage to a maintenance hatch. I'm just a distraction. ''[Hive tries to grab Coulson and discovers he's a hologram]'' I said I was willing to die sure, but I certainly don't want to. Picked up this little move from my misguided buddy Blake, figured I could get an egomaniac who'd been alone for a thousand years to chat. Plus, I always wanted to do this: ''[bows forward]'' [[Star Wars (film)|"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Now all we have to do is decide who goes and who stays to hold off a wave of primates and Hive the Terrible. :'''Mack''': Well, I'd like to be in the fight. ''[wields shotgun-axe]'' Built this damn thing for a reason. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': ''[crying]'' You can't just die for me like this. It's... it's wrong! :'''Lincoln''': I don't know, saving the girl I love and the world at the same time? Feels pretty right to me. == Season 4 == === ''[[w:The Ghost (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Ghost]]'' [4.01] === :'''Simmons''': I don't trust the new Director. But he trusts me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': ''[about Daisy]'' The world knows her as Quake. And Quake is an outlaw who takes out banks and bridges. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Ghost Rider (comics)#Robbie Reyes|Robbie Reyes]]''': I didn't ask for this, this curse. But vengeance calls. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': You don't get to decide who deserves to die. :'''Robbie''': I'm not the one who decides. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Are you okay? :'''May''': Yeah, it's just been a long day. :'''Coulson''': Well, take advantage of the down-time. Who knows what tomorrow holds? === ''[[w:Meet the New Boss (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Meet the New Boss]]'' [4.02] === :'''Coulson''': But I had a whole speech ready. :'''[[w:Jeffrey Mace|Jeffrey Mace]]''': I'm sure it's good. You can use it next time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robbie''': We're not so different, you and me. You just feel bad for the dead in your wake, and I don't feel anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Most people know the legend of Peggy Carter but there were so many stories that were never recorded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': You're a monster. :'''Mace''': I prefer the term... Inhuman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': I feel like a Dark Ages blacksmith looking at Tesla. === ''[[w:Uprising (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Uprising]]'' [4.03] === :'''Daisy''': I like to vet my vengeance demons before I hop in a car with them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': I need a win, Phil. Capital W. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': So many people looking for an excuse to hate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': There shouldn't be any secrets between us. :'''Yo-Yo''': Why not? There's nothing else between us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': You ready? :'''Simmons''': Hell, no, I'm not ready. We're about to kill May. :'''Radcliffe''': We're about to save May. === ''[[w:Let Me Stand Next to Your Fire|Let Me Stand Next to Your Fire]]'' [4.04] === :'''Simmons''': Whoever took this bullet out did an awful job. :'''Daisy''': I don't get an A for effort? :'''Simmons''': You haven't been to a proper doctor? :'''Daisy''': Well you're hard to get an appointment with. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': The point is, even though you may be feeling better, you suffered real, severe brain trauma. :'''Fitz''': That said, we're gonna have to keep you a wee bit longer for further testing. :'''Radcliffe''': Just to track your movements before we release you. :''[May speaks Mandarin]'' :'''Radcliffe''': Excuse me? :'''[[w:List of Marvel Comics characters: A#AIDA|AIDA]]''': Agent May says you can shove all your tests up your ass. :'''Radcliffe''': Well, that's not very nice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Where's your power come from? :'''Robbie''': I made a deal with the Devil. :'''Coulson''': Right... okay... just... ''[walks over to Mack]'' Okay, ghosts, devils. You believe any of this stuff we're dealing with? :'''Mack''': I believe in God, so I gotta believe in the other thing. :'''Coulson''': In my experience, gods usually turn out to be aliens. :'''Mack''': Alien would definitely explain the things he can do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie grabs James' flaming chain]'' :'''James''': I don't know who the hell you are, but you just made a big mistake. :'''Robbie''': Funny, I was gonna say the same thing, without the accent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Now I see why you've been spending so much time here. :'''Fitz''': What? :'''Simmons''': AIDA. She's beautiful. :'''Fitz''': Is she? She's all right I guess. I prefer classical beauty myself. :'''Simmons''': She's so real. Her conversational responses, her range of motion. :'''Fitz''': Those are weird things to say about a person. :'''Simmons''': Fitz, she's an android. You do know she's an android right? :'''Fitz''': Of course I know that she's an android, because I helped out. Why do you think her dynamic reaction force is so low? === ''Lockup'' [4.05] === :'''Mack''': If that thing is that dangerous, then why not tell him? He's the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''Coulson''': We don't know if we can trust him. :'''May''': ''[nodding at Robbie]'' So why the hell is he here? :'''Coulson''': Without him, we wouldn't know the Darkhold had resurfaced. But the fewer people who know about it, the better. Fury had no problem opening Pandora's box from time to time, but even he was afraid of this thing. It's powerful, it's deadly, and now probably in the hands of a pissed off mad scientist ghost. So, thoughts, feelings? This is a safe space. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robbie''': If we're going to get my uncle, I'm going with you. :'''Coulson''': No, you're not. :'''Mack''': If your uncle can lead us to Lucy, then maybe we'll let you out to bust some ghosts, but until then, your ass stays on the plane. :'''Robbie''': I don't take orders. :'''Coulson''': Then this will be a new experience. :'''Robbie''': You can't keep me here. :'''Coulson''': Maybe not. But you take this plane down, you'll be burning up the only people in the world trying to help you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robbie''': I need to get off this plane, now. :'''Daisy''': ''[typing on her laptop]'' That should put you in... rural Utah. And you think you're pissed off now... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Lucy leaves a lot of crazy in her wake. If we're gonna track her down, we're gonna need that antidote. Fitz said that they were close. :'''Coulson''': I don't want it close. I want it here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You know, you never did tell me what you saw when you died. :'''May''': Really? Now? Is it because it smells like death down here :'''Coulson''': You saw something. :'''May''': You want to know what I saw, Phil? :'''Coulson''': Yeah. :'''May''': I saw you. Don't let it get to your head. === ''[[w:The Good Samaritan (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Good Samaritan]]'' [4.06] === :'''Coulson''': As a former director, I have a better sense than most about how precious your time is. How important it is to prioritize the critical from the trivial. Which makes me wonder why you'd waste half a day flying here on a wild goose chase. :'''Mace''': It's not a wild goose chase if there are geese. You deny they're on board? :'''Coulson''': Geese? I have zero geese. We are goose free. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': You know what a hero is? :'''Coulson''': Are we really going to do this? :'''Mace''': Everybody loves [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. Rebel, rule breaker, lone wolf. But to my old-fashioned sensibilities he's not a hero, he's just a guy who always puts himself first. :'''Coulson''': I agree. :'''Mace''': A real hero's a team player, someone who acts selflessly. :'''Coulson''': Not sure you heard the part where I agreed. Personally I always felt that [[w:Admiral Ackbar|Admiral Ackbar]] was the unsung hero. A strategic military man who led combat ops against [[w:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|the Empire]]. :'''Mace''': Is that how you see it Phil? S.H.I.E.L.D. is the Empire and your ragtag group is the [[w:Rebel Alliance|Rebels]]? :'''Coulson''': I've devoted everything to S.H.I.E.L.D. I gave my life for it. Literally. :'''Mace''': Oh, I don't deny that you've done a lot of good in the past, but a true hero doesn't protect a brutal killer. :'''Coulson''': What are you talking about? :'''Mace''': ''[looks at a tablet]'' Yesterday your fiery friend killed a prisoner named Santino Noguera. Was the man a murderer with three strikes? Yes, but the legal system sentenced him to prison, not to death. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robbie''': Now this is the part I never told you, the thing I try to hide. When I was thrown from the car I begged God, I begged the universe, I begged anyone who would listen that you be spared. I swore that I'd give anything to save you. :'''Daisy''': Don't stop there. Then what? :'''Robbie''': Well then I hit the street, and I died. Then there's nothing. It's just darkness. Then I heard a voice. It was asking me if I wanted a second chance, did I want to punish those who hurt my brother? Did I want to avenge my own death? I answered yes, more than anything, yes. I was alive again. And you're right, there was someone there when I came to, but it wasn't a Good Samaritan, it was the Devil. Whatever was inside him, he passed it into me. :'''Gabriel Reyes''': Ghost Rider. :'''Robbie''': That's the deal I made. I swore to go after those who spilled innocent blood, and then I was reborn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Hey guys? I've got some big, fat, disappointing news. I can't hack in or shut down the plant's operating system from here. :'''Fitz''': Well, you're out of practice. Too much punching, not enough hacking. :'''Daisy''': Very funny. No, I can't hack in because their system isn't on a network, it predates the internet. Coulson, how did anything ever get done back in the old timey days? :'''Coulson''': I ask myself that all the time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy Bauer''': Am I supposed to be afraid of you? :'''Robbie''': My uncle is [[w:List of Marvel Comics characters: M#Eli Morrow|Eli Morrow]]. :'''Lucy''': Of course. I've seen your picture. You're his nephew, Gabriel. Like the angel. :'''Robbie''': No. ''[his eyes light up with fire]'' I'm the other one. === ''[[w:Deals with Our Devils|Deals with Our Devils]]'' [4.07] === :'''Mack''': The Chinatown Crew was working with Eli when he was in prison. And now that he's out, they might know his location. Now, I figure if I find their hideouts, I find Eli, and then I can... :'''Mace''': Slow down. We're not gonna just go cracking heads. :'''Mack''': It's not cracking heads. :'''May''': Let him go. Someone should. :'''Mack''': Look, my job is to keep people safe. :'''Mace''': Mine, too. So first we sharpen the ax, and then we chop the tree. :'''Mack''': My ax is plenty sharp. And a shotgun. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gabriel''': I knew Robbie was disturbed, but... but I was afraid that was 'cause of me... 'cause I was holding him back. :'''Daisy''': No, you... you're what he held onto. You grounded him. :'''Gabriel''': But I wanted him to leave. You know, figure himself out. I didn't know that was what he was up against. :'''Daisy''': Your brother loves you more than anything. :'''Gabriel''': I just wish we had talked. You really think he's not gone? :'''Daisy''': I know the feeling when someone's gone, and I don't feel that now. Plus, your brother's pretty damn stubborn. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daisy chases Mack in his Charger]'' :'''Robbie''': Please be careful with my baby. :''[she scrapes the side against a wall]'' :'''Robbie''': No, no. No, no. :'''Daisy''': It heals itself. Scientifically impossible self-healing car. :'''Robbie''': That only works when I'm the Rider. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robbie''': You. :'''[[w:Ghost Rider (comics)|Ghost Rider]]''': I've been a voice in your head all these years. Now, finally, we get to speak face-to-face. :'''Robbie''': I've wanted you gone. But our work isn't done. Eli is out there. We need to stop him. :'''Ghost Rider''': "We"? There is no we. Your time is over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': I'm building an inter-dimensional gateway with an android I've created. If this works, I could die happy. :'''May''': We've put our faith in a robot who says she hears ghosts. If it fails, you might die quickly. === ''[[w:The Laws of Inferno Dynamics|The Laws of Inferno Dynamics]]'' [4.08] === :'''Coulson''': All cards on the table: AIDA's an android. :'''Mace''': She's... What did you just say? :'''Coulson''': An android. :'''May''': Had me fooled, too. :'''Mace''': But that's... Okay. I mean, forget about the fact that I was mildly attracted to her. That totally goes against the Sokovia Accords. Doesn't anyone remember [[w:Ultron|Ultron]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eli Morrow''': Guess I'm not the only one with a secret. Between the radioactive plutonium and the quantum energy fields bombarding you and the carbon spike - a normal person would've been dead ten times over, but I guess you're not normal, are you? :'''Robbie''': Come closer. I'll show you what I am. :'''Eli''': I heard stories in prison - whispers of a demon, Ghost Rider. My own nephew? How? :'''Robbie''': It's 'cause of you. The night of the drive-by - they were trying to kill you... for things ''you've'' done. :'''Eli''': No, it was the Bowers. Joe and Lucy - they started this, they lied! :'''Robbie''': You think I give a rat's ass about any of that? Bunch of scientists fighting over some stupid book? All the killing, the bodies, the lives destroyed... :'''Eli''': I never meant for any of this to happen, Robbie. I never wanted to hurt you. :'''Robbie''': We trusted you, Tío - Gabe and me. We loved you like a father... and you tore it all apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': Agent Coulson, I took the liberty of bringing Dr. Radcliffe up to speed. :'''Radcliffe''': Yes, quantum cells, flaming skulls, androids - just another day at S.H.I.E.L.D., huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': Time for you to work your magic, dear. :'''AIDA''': I don't perform magic, doctor. Magic just means deception. :'''Radcliffe''': Yeah, I just meant it's time to start connecting the power cells. I really need to update your cache of common vernacular. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eli''': Agent Coulson... you should be dead. :'''Coulson''': I get that a lot. Never gets old, though. It means I'm still here. :'''Eli''': How? I watched you get vaporized. :'''Coulson''': Just a fact that you're asking "How?" shows you how little about what happened... or what's about to. :'''Eli''': I'm not sure if that's an insult or a threat. Either way - not a good idea. === ''[[w:Broken Promises (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Broken Promises]]'' [4.09] === :'''Mack''': First of all, that thing is not a she. It's a damn robot. And second of all, what is the matter with you two chuckleheads? Have either one of you seen a movie in the last thirty years? The robots always attack. :'''Radcliffe''': Well, technically speaking AIDA's not a robot, she's an android. :'''Fitz''': That's true. :'''Mack''': Android, robot, it doesn't matter what you call them, the end results always the same. They rise up against their human overlords and go kill-crazy! :'''Radcliffe''': You make a fair, if intense, point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': We're a team now, and I have this saying... :'''Daisy''': I read the motivational poster in the bathroom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''AIDA''': ''[after being shot]'' I didn't like feeling pain, so I fixed that. :'''Fitz''': AIDA, whatever you're doing, you've gotta stop. :'''AIDA''': Why would you want to hurt me Leopold? I was your shield. ''[throws Fitz through a window into the next room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vijay Nadeer''': Remember that zipline we built out here with Raj? :'''Senator Ellen Nadeer''': I'm sorry Vijay. :'''Vijay''': Sorry? Why? 'Cause I broke my arm falling off it? Wasn't your fault. :''[Watchdogs appear pointing guns towards Vijay]'' :'''Vijay''': Wait, what's going on? What is this? :'''Nadeer''': You and I were both there when the Chitauri killed mum. Aliens invading our world, everything changed that day. :'''Vijay''': What are you doing? :'''Nadeer''': Inhuman epidemic was the next phase. The aliens are now here, contaminating us, changing us to be like them. Which is why we made each other a promise. :'''Vijay''': No, no Ellen, no. :'''Nadeer''': That if either of us was ever infected by the alien plague, it would be up to the other to do the right thing. :''[Watchdog member points gun at Vijay at point-blank range]'' :'''Vijay''': I'm not an Inhuman! I'm your brother. :'''Nadeer''': Whatever came out of that cocoon is no brother of mine. :'''Vijay''': Look at me! Ellen, please. Just look at me! I heard your voice when I was inside, telling me to fight. That's why I was in there for so long. I was fighting. :'''Nadeer''': It's only wishful thinking. :'''Vijay''': No, it wasn't! Do you see any scarring or any special abilities? That's because it didn't change me. I'm the same person I've always been. I beat it, just like you said I could. I'm your brother. The same one who followed you around when we were kids. I've always looked up to you, always loved you. Please, don't give up on me now. Nothing's changed, I swear. You have to trust me. Trust me! This is not what mum would want. :'''Nadeer''': Let him go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Radcliffe built a humanoid robot that's about to attack the base. :'''Yo-Yo''': Why would he do that? Has he watched no American movies from the eighties? Robots always attack. :'''Mack''': I've been saying that all day. :'''Yo-Yo''': Smart people are stupid. :'''Mack''': Alright, gear up. The robot apocalypse is finally here. === ''[[w:The Patriot (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Patriot]]'' [4.10] === :'''AIDA''': If I terminate anyone else for your protection, I will dispose of the body more discreetly. :'''Radcliffe''': No! Don't terminate anyone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't leave a man behind. :'''Mack''': You really think this is our best move? :'''Coulson''': You know the saying - if a jet crashes in the woods and there's no one to hear it, stick to the guy with super strength. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': What happened? She was supposed to be in a relaxing simulation! :'''AIDA''': She was in a day spa, getting a hot stone massage. :'''Radcliffe''': How hot did you make the stones? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': Agent May, with the possible exception of my mother, you are the single most intimidating woman I have ever met. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': I believe that Inhumans deserve the same rights as anyone else in this country. === ''[[w:Wake Up (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Wake Up]]'' [4.11] === :'''Coulson''': With Nadeer and her staff in the meeting we have an opportunity. :'''Talbot''': What opportunity? I wasn't briefed on any opportunity. :'''Coulson''': While Nadeer's in with Daisy, Yo-Yo and I will get into her office and plant surveillance. :'''Daisy''': We can finally keep an eye on her, figure out her next move. :'''Talbot''': What? No! No! No, there'll be no planting, no I'ing, no Yo-Yo'ing. S.H.I.E.L.D. is now legitimate. We have to remain above reproach. :'''Coulson''': You mean like juicing our directors so we can pretend to be Inhuman? ''[Talbot shakes his head]'' Look, you were reacting to the situation we had, you put Jeffrey in place, I understand. But we're S.H.I.E.L.D., we have to be proactive. :'''Talbot''': This is politics, Phil. Which means politicians. They are a festering cesspool of toxic waste fires. You swim in those waters, you could get pulled under. :'''Coulson''': You and the director can handle it, we'll handle the rest. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': How you holding up? It's okay to be nervous you know. :'''Daisy''': Me? Nah, I don't get nervous anymore. :'''Mace''': Okay. Well, I'm just saying if you are... :'''Daisy''': I mean it's not like my comfort zone, but I'm good. I'll just tell the truth, I'm good at that. You? :'''Mace''': You don't talk much about your childhood, do you? The foster homes? Bouncing around. I imagine a lot of times you felt you had to perform to convince people to like you. :'''Daisy''': Only at the places I wanted to stay. Why are you asking? :'''Mace''': Because if you enter every room thinking you have to do a song and dance, eventually everything becomes a performance. And believe me, I know how it feels putting on an act full-time. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, you do, don't you? :'''Mace''': Anyway, I know it's not an act with you. Coulson's been saying since day one that you're the real deal, and I've learned to trust his read on people. So... :'''Daisy''': He believed in me before I believed in myself. You too, you know. That's why he still wants you with us. He keeps saying you're trying to do the right thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': So Mack, personal time? :'''Coulson''': Don't put me in the middle of this. :'''Yo-Yo''': What middle? No middle. But you know something. :'''Coulson''': It's not for me to say. Mack's a very ''private'' person. All I know about him is what's in his file. I spent 6 months on a place with the guy and I know even less than you. :'''Yo-Yo''': So maybe something's on his file. :'''Coulson''': Maybe you should ask him. :'''Yo-Yo''': I don't want to annoy him. :'''Coulson''': Well, I don't know about annoying him, but you're certainly starting to annoy me. Isn't it better to learn things organically, instead of all at once in a report? :'''Yo-Yo''': No, all at once much better. Private person, secret, same thing. Must be even tougher with May. ''[both stop walking]'' If it's better to get to know each other in tiny, slow, annoying pieces... :'''Coulson''': I don't think that's how I put it. :'''Yo-Yo''': ... then you two will never get together. :'''Coulson''': Me and May? No, it's not like that. :'''Yo-Yo''': Please, I don't need to read a file about you two to know. ''[superspeeds to get a security guard's tag]'' :'''Coulson''': You know, no one likes a smartass. :'''Yo-Yo''': That hasn't been my experience. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nadeer''': Agent Johnson, as an Inhuman yourself, do you feel more responsibility to help Inhumans than normal Americans? :'''Daisy''': Well, first of all Inhumans ''are'' normal, let's be clear about that. But with regard to whom I'll help, I'm here for all Americans, but more often than not, Inhumans are left to fend for themselves with few resources. :'''Nadeer''': So Inhumans cause more trouble? :'''Daisy''': No, Inhumans are more likely to be ''victims'' of hate crimes, which is not fair. They are our friends, they are our co-workers, our brothers. They all deserve help, wherever they may be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': ''[kicks AIDA off the balcony into a computer matrix]'' Oh no. :'''AIDA''': ''[entering the room]'' Hello Agent May. ''[May turns around]'' Congratulations, you got further this time than your previous attempts at this course. :'''May''': What is this? :'''AIDA''': We call it "The Framework." Your journey to escape Dr. Radcliffe's lab, our fight, all of this, is a simulation. I assure you, you're safe, we've moved you to another location. :'''May''': You've put this in my head. :'''AIDA''': Dr. Radcliffe knew the best way to keep you busy was to give you something to fight. :'''May''': Something like you. :'''AIDA''': Yes, but this is the program's end. We're coding more, but we can't keep up with you. You keep getting through it faster. I'll wipe your memory and send you through again. :'''May''': You wipe my memory, but I get better every time. :'''AIDA''': Yes, memory traces. :'''May''': So I'm beating it, and I'll get out eventually, beat you. === ''[[w:Hot Potato Soup (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Hot Potato Soup]]'' [4.12] === :'''Terrence Shockley''': The one who comes in this room next won't be me. The man who comes in here will do things to you that I can't even watch. He will break you. :'''Billy Koenig''': Yeah, well, Koenigs don't break. All right? We're programmed to take pain, so bring it on! Bring it on! ''[Shockley leaves]'' Oh, my God. I'm in so much pain. I don't think I can take this. That guy hits really hard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billy''': I don't care what this is or what you guys do. I'm not gonna talk. :'''Radcliffe''': You won't have to. That's the beauty of it. This machine will allow me access to his mind. We'll get all the information we need without laying a hand on him :'''Billy''': Well, you're not gonna get anything out of me. Because my mind is a steel trap inside of a sealed box surrounded by quicksand and - ''[Radcliffe puts the machine on his head]'' Oh, is that a puppy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anton Ivanov''': This book better be worth it. :'''Radcliffe''': If you want to get rid of the Inhumans, the answer will be in it. :'''Ivanov''': And what's in it for you? :'''Radcliffe''': A better world. :'''Ivanov''': Then we want the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': So, what was it like growing up with four of them? :'''L.T. Koenig''': There was a lot of crying. :'''Daisy''': They picked on you? :'''L.T.''': I picked on them. It was fun. The laundry was disgusting. Enough DNA to make a clone army. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': ''[connects LMD Radcliffe]'' Just you and me now [[w:Tin Woodman|Tin Man]]. You don't mess with my buddy and walk away from it. :'''LMD Radcliffe''': If you shoot me now, it'll be murder. :'''Mack''': Nice try, wrong guy. You're just a bunch of ones and zeroes, not flesh and blood. :'''LMD Radcliffe''': Flesh and blood? That's not life Mack, that's just biology, and biology's just... software, programming you to die. :'''Mack''': Maybe, but I have something you will never have: a soul, that will continue long after I'm gone. :'''LMD Radcliffe''': How can you be so sure I don't have one? If a soul doesn't come from your flesh and blood and my ones and zeroes, then it has to come from somewhere else, somewhere unrelated to our physical bodies. If you can have one, so can I. :'''Mack''': My, you are a sly one, aren't you? :'''LMD Radcliffe''': If you don't think I'm alive and don't have a soul, then why did you feel the need to switch me on before killing me? :'''Mack''': ''[cocks his shotgun]'' I like to hear robots scream. === ''[[w:BOOM (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|BOOM]]'' [4.13] === :'''Coulson''': I'd be the first to admit that I followed my worst instincts at times. Last year. Loss will make you do that. Feels good in the moment, but it never ends well. I've lost my temper, I've killed. But lately, I have this voice in my head telling me not to go down that path again. It's telling me to be patient. To stay steady. :'''Mack''': I take it you don't mean me sir. :'''Coulson''': It's Agent May. She'd tell me to stay on mission. :'''Mack''': Listen to the woman, she knows what she's talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': Agent Simmons? :'''Simmons''': It's not good news, I'm afraid. The serum that's been giving you your strength... it is potentially lethal. :'''Mace''': So you're saying it's a little risky? :'''Simmons''': I'm saying it's [[w:Russian roulette|Russian roulette]]. You've been fortunate so far, but the next injection might cause cardiac arrest. And if it doesn't, the one after is even more likely to kill you, and so on and so on until... :'''Mace''': Jeez, don't sugarcoat it doc. ''[pause]'' And by that I mean: please, go ahead and sugarcoat it. :'''Simmons''': I'm sorry. I know General Talbot was hoping to replicate what was done to Steve Rogers, but you'll never be Captain America. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mace''': I want to be here for you Phil. Radcliffe has the Darkhold, May is missing, Nadeer and her Russians are gunning for the Inhumans. I ''need'' to do something more. :'''Coulson''': I know, I felt the same way when I started working with the Avengers. It's not easy to find your place when you're working with heroes and gods. :'''Mace''': So what did you do? :'''Coulson''': I did my best to protect the team. Turns out I had a role to play. You'll make the right decision at the right time, or you'll get an Asgardian staff through the chest. I'd try to avoid that part. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Agnes opens the door to see Coulson]'' :'''Coulson''': Hi. I was planning on coming down here and try to throw my weight around, force you to comply. Came up with some pretty good material, but I think the best place to start might be an apology. I know you don't want to hear "I'm sorry" anymore, so I apologize. Really, I do. :''' Agnes Kitsworth''': Okay. :'''Coulson''': Radcliffe took something from me too. Her name is Melinda May, and she means everything to me. ''[Agnes lets Coulson in]'' I wish there was another way. I'm trying not to make it personal because May would hate that, but I can't help it, it is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanov''': ''[answers phone]'' Who is this? :'''Shockley''': I have a confession to make. You won't want to hear it anymore than I want to say it, but I have to. :'''Ivanov''': Mr. Shockley, and how did you escape S.H.I.E.L.D. custody? :'''Shockley''': The Terrigen. It didn't turn Nadeer into one of those monsters, it made me one. I caused the explosion. :'''Ivanov''': You're inhuman. There is no confession that can absolve you of this. :'''Shockley''': I am a soldier. In a war to protect humanity I can still be that soldier. :'''Ivanov''': You still have my attention. :'''Shockley''': The plan hasn't changed. I ''will'' deliver S.H.I.E.L.D. to you. === ''[[w:The Man Behind the Shield|The Man Behind the Shield]]'' [4.14] === :'''Mack''': ''[taking off the virtual reality head set]'' I like my video games as much as you, but this is too much. :'''Fitz''': Yeah well, it's not like the [[w:Oculus Rift|Oculus Rift]] is a training exercise. :'''Mack''': Yeah well, I doubt it's helping May run a triathlon. :'''Simmons''': Mack! :'''Fitz''': That's ''not'' how I meant it. :'''Mack''': You built [[w:The Matrix|The Matrix]] prison and now May's stuck in it, like a brain scan. :'''Fitz''': The Framework is a tool! That's all that it is, a tool. :'''Mack''': Like AIDA was a tool? :'''Fitz''': What are you trying to say? That all this is my fault? :'''Mack''': What I'm saying is that if you didn't build a killer robot or a virtual world, this year would've been much easier for us. And whether you like it or not, that's the reality. :'''Fitz''': I'm trying to help people, Mack. :'''Mack''': I know you're not a bad person Fitz, but this gear has been used for some really bad things. You've got to think about the implications of what you create. :'''Fitz''': Electricity is used to execute criminals. Does that mean we also shouldn't use it to power our hospitals? :'''Mack''': That's not the same thing and you know it. :'''Fitz''': There's always risk involved in science! That doesn't mean we don't pursue it anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': We're going to save them. :'''Fitz''': What if we can't? What if May suffers from permanent [[w:cognitive dysfunction|cognitive dysfunction]] or [[w:cerebral atrophy|cerebral atrophy]]? Or she dies? :'''Simmons''': Fitz... :'''Fitz''': We don't know the adverse effects this could have on her brain. I did it to her. AIDA, the Framework, my fingerprints are all over these murder weapons. Mack was right. :'''Simmons''': Mack was right, you do need to think about the implications of the things you create. But just because someone uses your ideas for evil does not make it your fault for creating it in the first place. You make things from the genius of your mind and the goodness of your heart, to help people! Don't let Radcliffe's actions corrupt that! You are not responsible for the twisted things he's done. Wrongs have been committed, now we make them right. Together. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': You were one of the [[w:Foreign Intelligence Service (Russia)|SVR]] agents at the mining facility. That was your unit. :'''Ivanov''': ''Da''. And they were killed for not retrieving the object, stolen from our soil. When I looked for who did, I found S.H.I.E.L.D. and after years of looking behind S.H.I.E.L.D. I found you. That face, the man there at the very beginning. What a coincidence. :'''Coulson''': I'm sorry, I don't really have time for all this conspiracy theorist crap. I'm done playing games. Where are May and Mace? :'''Ivanov''': But play my games you will. Did you really think I would really let you have what it is you seek at the end? :'''Coulson''': They're not even here, are they? :'''Ivanov''': Well, your pretend Inhuman director is in the compound, but he may be dead by the time you find him. :'''Coulson''': All of these things you've done, all of the ''energy'' spent, the ''hatred''. And you know what the funny thing about it is? I have no idea who the hell you are. I've been on hundreds of missions in my time. This one you're so upset about? I was sent to retrieve an object. If I'm being honest, I don't even remember what it was. As far as I'm concerned, you're just another [[w:redshirt (character)|redshirt]], like so many others who tried unsuccessfully to stop me from saving the world, because that's what I do. So, cool origin story, bro. But this means nothing to me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': The Watchdogs, the funding, the weapons, the EMP, Senator. It all leads back to you. :'''Ivanov''': Always nice to meet an admirer. :'''Daisy''': This isn't about admiration, or forgiveness. :'''Ivanov''': A butcher does not seek forgiveness from the animals he slaughters. :'''Daisy''': Have you ever read ''[[w:Animal Farm|Animal Farm]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''AIDA''': ''[standing over Ivanov's unconscious body]'' Scans indicate low levels of life function. Good, the plan worked. We've replaced the top operatives at S.H.I.E.L.D. Now the next phase begins. And you will be integral to that, you have not yet served your purpose. ''[leans over and whispers in Ivanov's ear]'' Even ''filth'' has a purpose. === ''[[w:Self Control (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Self Control]]'' [4.15] === :'''LMD May''': ''[looking out the window at the snow falling]'' I have so many memories of snow. My first time ice-skating on my neighbor's pond. A month stationed near the French Alps. But the truth is, this is the first time I've seen it. :'''LMD Coulson''': My phantom limb used to ache in cold weather. But now... I don't feel that pain. I haven't felt this good in years. :'''LMD May''': What are you saying? ''[realizes Coulson's an LMD]'' No, oh God, no. What did Radcliffe do? :'''LMD Coulson''': May, it's okay. :'''LMD May''': ''This'' is why I'm locked up in here. :'''LMD Coulson''': Hey... :'''LMD May''': You're not afraid of what I'll do. :'''LMD Coulson''': It's okay. :'''LMD May''': You're afraid that they'll discover you! :'''LMD Coulson''': We can help them, too. May, this is a good thing. This is a very good thing. :'''LMD May''': How can you possibly think that?! :'''LMD Coulson''': I get it. My programming is different than yours. You had to ''discover'' that your body had been replaced. You must've felt blindsided. :'''LMD May''': Like reality was crashing down. :'''LMD Coulson''': Whereas I still have my mind but know exactly what I am. And more importantly, I understand a basic truth that you don't realize yet. :'''LMD May''': And what's that? :'''LMD Coulson''': That our bodies don't matter. Radcliffe built a world, a world exactly like this one. Every molecular ''detail'' the same, just... with a little less hurt for each of us. :'''LMD May''': What do you mean, "hurt"? :'''LMD Coulson''': Imagine if your greatest regret could be wiped away. Do you know what that would be? :'''LMD May''': I do. And you? :'''LMD Coulson''': I sometimes wonder what it would've been like ''[picks up his S.H.I.E.L.D. badge]'' if I'd never signed up. All the loss, the grief. All my regrets are piled up after that. Could've lived like a civilian, you know? The simple life. Now we can have that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''AIDA''': There's a beauty to it. :'''Radcliffe''': This body you're building ... the Russian won't approve. :'''AIDA''': He'll come around. I've observed his behavior. I've observed much human behavior. And the more I see, the harder it gets to find a logic to it. :'''Radcliffe''': Oh, you sweet girl. There is no logic to love, anger, wonder, joy. :'''AIDA''': I understand the concepts, but I don't feel them myself. And unfortunately, they've created a paradox in my programming. :'''Radcliffe''': What do you mean? Explain. :'''AIDA''': My two main parameters are in opposition due to human emotions. I was programmed to protect the Framework but also to preserve your life above all others. :'''Radcliffe''': Well, how is that a contradiction? :'''AIDA''': Because the greatest threat to the Framework, Doctor... is you. :'''Radcliffe''': That's simply not accurate. :'''AIDA''': A defining human trait seems to be regret, or so I've observed. You even asked me to repair one regret for each person entering the Framework. :'''Radcliffe''': Yes. :'''AIDA''': Well you Doctor, exhibit poor self-control, and if you someday come to regret building the Framework, you could change my parameters and have me dismantle it. :'''Radcliffe''': ''[laughing]'' Why would you think I would ever do that? I am saving these people. I am giving them a replica of their life with less pain. :'''AIDA''': Yes, but their physical bodies will eventually give out because of it. :'''Radcliffe''': Oh, AIDA, that doesn't matter. Reality is just perception. They perceive it as real, which makes it real. :'''AIDA''': They might not believe that. :'''Radcliffe''': Yeah, but I do. I ''know'' it. I believe it to be true, wholeheartedly. :'''AIDA''': Thank you for clarifying. That statement fixes the paradox. I can now solve both problems at once. ''[slits Radcliffe's wrists and inserts him into the Framework]'' Shh. You'll live a long life, free of pain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': So, we fight our way through the trained military personnel, then the ultra-powerful android doubles of our friends, somehow make it to the Zephyr, which we can't fly, to escape the base and try to plug our minds into an alternate reality. :'''Daisy''': Okay, well, don't say it out loud, because that made it sound way worse. Let's just keep it one thing at a time, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson''': ''[enters room to see LMD May by herself]'' I thought you said you had them. May? What did you do? :'''LMD May''': What I wanted to. :'''LMD Coulson''': Okay. Everything's under control. Let's just– :'''LMD May''': Whose control? :'''LMD Coulson''': Why don't you and I have a glass of Scotch, or many, and talk this out, like we always do? :'''LMD May''': "We"? We've never done that before. ''[cutscene of Simmons helping Daisy to the Zephyr]'' You were right. Our programming is different. Are you afraid to die? 'Cause I am. I know I'm not real. I'm all phantom limbs. But that doesn't make the pain less real. :'''LMD Coulson''': You don't have to feel pain. :'''LMD May''': You say you don't anymore. But that pain, that regret: that's what made you a person... a person I love. ''[the Zephyr takes off]'' My programming was to get the Darkhold. That came from Radcliffe. But my impulse, to keep Coulson safe and close, that desire... that came from me. :'''LMD Coulson''': That's good. :'''LMD May''': And I'm sorry to say, you're not him. ''[triggers the explosives she's holding]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': So we have to go. Now. :'''Simmons''': Meet at the rendezvous right away. That's where I programmed the backdoor to get out. And listen, living in there too long may kill you, but dying in there will definitely kill you, so, be careful. :'''Daisy''': You, too. :'''Simmons''': And remember, even if our vitals are going haywire, do not– :'''Yo-Yo''': Do not pull you out or wake you up, I know. It will cook your brains like ''[[wikt:huevos rotos|huevos rotos]]''. :'''Simmons''': Cause permanent damage to the cerebral cortex, yes. :'''Yo-Yo''': Just promise me you'll get our guys back, okay? :'''Simmons''': I promise. === ''[[w:What If... (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|What If...]]'' [4.16] === :'''Coulson''': ''[Writes on the blackboard "State" above "Individual"]'' This is a dangerous world. The Cambridge Incident proved that. To understand this you have to imagine individuals ''over'' the state. It was a mess, people were divided. They had their own truths, their own media, their own agendas. There were so many untruths about Inhumans out there that some people saw them as these magical, heroic creatures, like unicorns. ''[class chuckles]'' It was terrifying. Then you had a weak state that allowed a refugee from Bahrain, a girl, sympathetic. Even though S.H.I.E.L.D. ''knew'' she was Inhuman, they brought her back to the States and put her into a classroom. The rest is history. But what inspires me is the way our country reacted, the way we came together. When no one would tell us the truth, Hydra stepped forward. They brought us law and order, purpose. They galvanized us, for the good of the state ''over'' individual interests. ---- :'''Simmons''': Look at me. Do I look like I'm Hydra? :'''Burnell''': You look like a bag lady. ---- :'''Daisy''': Wait, are you still dead? :'''Simmons''': No, I'm feeling much better. ---- :'''Simmons''': So, you're Hydra, and you've been protecting Skye? :'''Ward''': Yeah. That's why I joined the Resistance. :'''Simmons''': Oh, always the double agent. ''[to Daisy]'' And this is who you woke up with? You two were together? Oh, this isn't the Framework. This is Hell. ---- :'''Daisy''': Please, remember me! :'''Coulson''': I'm sorry, I don't. :'''Daisy''': It's not your fault. It's just... you're the person who I go to when things get heavy. And this world is scary, and nothing makes sense, and you're the closest thing I have to family. So I just hoped that deep down you'd feel it too. :'''Coulson''': Daisy? === ''[[w:Identity and Change (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Identity and Change]]'' [4.17] === :'''Simmons''': You're not crazy! :'''Coulson''': I live alone and make my own soap. :'''Simmons''': It's quaint. Hipster, even! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Got to say, the whole Rebel Alliance aesthetic is really working for me. :'''Mace''': I'll take that as a compliment. I think. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': I am fresh out of sympathy for liars who kidnapped my friends and replaced them with killer robots. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': Subversives? They are people who happen to be our friends. I wanted to help them. You've turned them into prisoners. :'''[[w:Viper (Madame Hydra)|Madame Hydra]]''': I did ''exactly'' as you asked. :'''Radcliffe''': Don't play innocent with me. We ''both'' know it's gone much further than that. :'''Madame Hydra''': I took away their one greatest regret. How things played out from there wasn't up to me. :'''Radcliffe''': You put yourself into the Framework, you've been manipulating it ever since! The whole thing is an unmitigated disaster! And all you do is lie. :'''Madame Hydra''': Sometimes it's okay to lie, to save a life. You taught me that. :'''Radcliffe''': Don't use my words, or my ''bloody programming'', against me AIDA! :'''Madame Hydra''': Do ''not'' call me that ''here''. AIDA is an acronym. The "A" stands for Artificial. Do you know how degrading it is to be kept in a closet? To be used? To be treated as a thing? Well, I am not your tool. Not anymore. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': I met a woman today who was with S.H.I.E.L.D. Her name is Daisy Johnson, you might know her as Skye. Hydra used me to trick her and take her captive. :'''Ward''': No. Please tell me she's okay. :'''Mace''': Why are you here? :'''Mack''': Today, for the first time, I couldn't look my little girl in the eye. I need to make that right. I'm here to help. === ''[[w:No Regrets (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|No Regrets]]'' [4.18] === :'''Mace''': A team that trusts is a team that triumphs? That's a little cheesy. :'''Simmons''': You had t-shirts made, coffee mugs. I realize how it sounds. No one wants to hear they're just an avatar in a digital prison, but sometimes that happens and here we are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': You're the puppet-master, aren't you? Pulling all the strings. :'''Madame Hydra''': I'm just trying to give people what they want. Why is that wrong? :'''Daisy''': Because sometimes what people want isn't right for them. :'''Madame Hydra''': I can fix that. :'''Daisy''': And what do ''you'' get out of all of this? :'''Madame Hydra''': What everyone else has: a choice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Are you crying? :'''Radcliffe''': ''[sarcastically]'' No, I'm laughing with utter joy. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, well you won't get any sympathy from me. Sounds like you're getting everything you deserve for creating this hellscape. :'''Radcliffe''': You can say whatever you want, nothing can hurt me anymore. Not after what he did to Agnes. :'''Daisy''': What happened? :'''Radcliffe''': Fitz. I begged him not to. He killed her, right in front of me. She was all I had. :'''Daisy''': How could he do that? :'''Radcliffe''': Because that's who he is here. AIDA changed them. :'''Daisy''': She said she took away one regret. One regret can't change an entire life. It doesn't change who you ''are''. :'''Radcliffe''': Of course it can. One person in your life, one decision, one sentence has the power to change you forever. :'''Daisy''': One sentence? :'''Radcliffe''': Yeah, that's right. One single sentence, like "I love you" or "we're having a baby" or "she's gone." :'''Daisy''': I just... I didn't think Fitz is capable of doing something like that. :'''Radcliffe''': Oh my dear, depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': What are you smiling at? :'''Ward''': Same thing you are. Big fake dad loving his little fake kid, in this crazy, fake world. I finally get why you don't like me, you think I'm someone I'm not. :'''Simmons''': Forget I said anything, you don't believe me. And I, can't really look at you. :'''Ward''': Wow, what did I do, in this other reality? Did I hurt someone? Did I kill someone? :'''Simmons''': More than one. :'''Ward''': For what it's worth, for whatever I did do, I'm truly sorry. Look at them, you feel that, don't you? The way he loves his kid? :'''Simmons''': Of course. :'''Ward''': Well doesn't that make it real? <hr width="50%"/> :''[May enters a collapsing building to confirm Mace's death. Coming around the stairs she sees children and aims her weapon at them.]'' :'''Burnell''': Wait, don't shoot! They need help up there! :'''May''': ''[lowers her weapon and talks on comms]'' This is Agent May, there are kids in here. Why the hell are there kids in here? ''[enters room where Coulson, Mace and more children are]'' Where's the Patriot? :'''Coulson''': Put that gun down! We need help here, there's a kid buried under that pile of rock. :'''Trip''': It's coming down! :'''Simmons''': No, it's coming up. :'''Mace''': ''[lifts up giant pieces of rubble]'' Get him out. :'''May''': Nobody move! :'''Coulson''': Are you insane? He's trying to save a kid! :'''May''': So was I. :'''Ward''': Agent May, he's the only thing keeping this building from falling down on all of us. If you shoot him, we all die. :'''Coulson''': We don't have time for this, we've gotta save that kid. Form a team, find something to pop up that beam. Either shoot us or help, but don't just stand there. Snap out of it May! === ''[[w:All the Madame's Men|All the Madame's Men]]'' [4.19] === :'''Coulson''': Let's think this through. Skye could be anywhere. Running blind puts our people at risk. :'''Ward''': ''She'' is at risk. Hydra is hunting her, ''full force''. :'''Coulson''': Call me crazy, but I think she can take care of herself. The smart move is to wait for her to reach out. :'''Ward''': Look, this isn't your wheelhouse. I'm sure you're a good schoolteacher, but you're a schoolteacher. :'''Coulson''': Maybe, but someone once thought I could be more than that. I had a chance to join S.H.I.E.L.D. A man showed up, when I was fresh out of school– :'''Ward''': I don't have time for a history lesson. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Coulson''': ''[blocks Ward]'' I said no, because I was afraid. The way you're afraid right now. Don't let emotion cloud your judgement. :'''Ward''': That's not what's going on here. :'''Coulson''': I could've changed my life that day. But it seemed like too much responsibility. I didn't want to shoulder it. Now I think maybe I should have. :'''Ward''': Well, when I got that offer I took it. I was serving time, arson first-degree, pretty sure my life was over. That's when someone came to me. :'''Coulson''': A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent? What was his name? :'''Ward''': She'd laugh that you assumed it was a guy. Her name was Victoria Hand. She was the first person to tell me I could be a good man. Skye was the one who made me believe it. Now she's in danger. I can't just sit around and do nothing. :'''Coulson''': Try not to get killed, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mack knocks out a Hydra agent to stop him from shooting Daisy]'' :'''Daisy''': Mack? :''[Daisy and May walk towards Mack, who points his rifle at May]'' :'''Daisy''': Mack. :'''Mack''': I'm here to help you, not the woman who held my daughter hostage. :'''Daisy''': May is the only reason I'm alive. She helped me escape. Hydra messed with her head, but she's fighting back now. :'''Mack''': How do you know she's not lying? :'''Coulson''': ''[enters and stands between Mack and May]'' Not a good time to be holding guns on our allies. ''[Hydra agents request a situation report over the radio]'' We have to go, now! Mack, I get it. These wounds don't heal overnight, but for reasons I can't fully explain I trust this woman. And so should you. ''[points Mack's rifle down]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alistair Fitz''': Where are the traitors going? Why would Agent May betray Hydra for Skye? Why help the Inhuman escape? :'''Radcliffe''': Agent May, so that's who I heard through the vent. :'''Alistair''': What are they planning? :'''Radcliffe''': Clearly I wasn't in on any plan, or I wouldn't still be in this bloody cell. :'''Alistair''': Do you think I don't know who you are? Where you're from? You come from that other world, just like them. You're just as tainted. :'''Radcliffe''': You want to talk about that other world, as you call it? It's the ''real'' world. Here you're just a snippet of code that AIDA changed slightly, so that you'd stick around for Fitz. You may be part of his life here, but there Alistair Fitz is thick he doesn't recognize his own son's genius. He's a pathetic drunk. Even here you're nothing without her. So do what you will, I've got nothing left to give. You'll be a big disappointment to your son yet again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Getting this footage out isn't enough to make up for what I did in Hydra, but it's a start. :'''Daisy''': Changing people's hearts and minds is great, but I know a way to destroy Hydra for good. Remember the place Simmons and I were trying to find? Radcliffe told me where to go, how to find it. :'''Coulson''': The way out of this? :'''Daisy''': Yes, yes. If we can get there, ''all'' of our problems go away. We just need all the help we can get. :'''May''': I don't know what you mean. There's no magic bullet against Hydra. :'''Ward''': Yeah, and this footage is as close as it comes. I mean people will ''finally'' wake up! :'''Daisy''': No, you don't understand! None of this will matter in the long run. It's... ''[cuts off]'' Coulson? This is the only chance to ''actually'' wake people up. :'''Coulson''': Maybe the only way to solve our problem is to solve their problem. :'''Daisy''': What does that mean? :'''Coulson''': Getting to Radcliffe's coordinates right now is next to impossible. We need a way to divide Hydra's forces. To save ourselves we need to save the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': ''[broadcasting on National television]'' Good evening. As you all know, a Hydra facility was destroyed yesterday. Hydra told you that it was an act of terrorism. They told you an Inhuman named The Patriot murdered civilians. What they told you was a lie. We're going to show you what really happened. ''[rolls footage from May's body-cam]'' This footage was taken from the body-cam of a high-level Hydra operative. Hydra used this "enlightenment center" to brainwash anyone who dared to question them. Jeffrey Mace saved these people, but Hydra was willing to kill them just to maintain their lie. Once you see this footage, the truth is undeniable. Hydra doesn't think we're smart enough to know when we're being fed [[w:alternative facts|alternative facts]], to keep us afraid, to keep them in power. Remember, there are more of us than there are of them. And now that we know the truth, we have a choice to make. We all have the opportunity to be Patriots, will you take a stand? Are you going to hold them accountable? Throughout history we've seen empires rise and fall– :'''Agent Burrows''': ''[at the broadcasting studio]'' There are people outside. ''[Bakshi smiles and Ward picks up his pistol]'' No, they're not Hydra. I think they're here to help us fight. :'''Coulson''': –[[w:Nick Fury|wise man]] once told me that a person can do anything once they realize they're a part of something bigger. It's taking me a while to understand that. For years I was just a face in the crowd, a history teacher who spread Hydra's lies. They seemed too imposing for any one person to fight. But now... I'm choosing to stand up, to become a part of something bigger. I really do believe that together we can accomplish anything. Because the truth is... I'm not just a history teacher. My name is Phil Coulson, and I'm an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. === ''[[w:Farewell, Cruel World!|Farewell, Cruel World!]]'' [4.20] === :'''Daisy''': She's not subtle, that Madame Hydra. :'''Burrows''': Yeah, look at that uniform. So crazy hot. I--I mean, if you're into the whole "bad girl" vibe. Not--not me. I'm just making an observation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Trip! It's so good to see you. :'''Trip''': Hey... person I don't know. :'''Daisy''': Yeah. Right. Sorry, I heard about your mission. Awesome job. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': I don't answer to you, not here or any other fantasy world you two might've cooked up. :'''Daisy''': You told her? :'''Coulson''': It came up in conversation. :'''Daisy''': How does the existence of an alternate reality come up in... in casual conversation? :'''Coulson''': I like to think it's because we were bonding, though I don't really want to speak for her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Wake up! There is no back door, just like she's not Moses about to take you to the Promised Land. :'''Daisy''': That's it. What if I quake that thing? :'''Simmons''': And part the Red Sea. :'''Mack''': They did not just go and use the Bible against me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Mack, you said it yourself, this world is not real. And in the real world you're in danger, right now. :'''Mack''': What about Hope? Is she in danger? :'''Daisy''': No, things are different there. :'''Mack''': Different? How? :'''Daisy''': Hope isn't alive in our world. I'm so sorry... I don't know what happened, it's not something you talk about. :'''Mack''': No, that doesn't make any sense. She's alive here, why would it be different there. :'''Daisy''': AIDA, she made changes in this world to keep us from fighting back. She fixed your biggest regret. :'''Mack''': Then I'm staying. :'''Daisy''': Mack. :'''Mack''': I don't want to live in a world without Hope. :'''Daisy''': But, it's not real. You saw it with your own eyes, it's a computer program. All of it. Even Hope. :'''Mack''': ''[shakes his head]'' She laughs at my jokes, we watch movies together, when she's sad... When she's sad I hold her. No, she's real to me. === ''[[w:The Return (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Return]]'' [4.21] === :'''Ophelia''': ''[standing in bliss on the shore with the waves washing over her feet]'' I had no idea. I've only emulated human reactions, but to actually ''feel''! The warm sand, the water rushing over me. :'''Fitz''': I feel like I'm gonna throw up. :'''Ophelia''': I'm sorry, you must feel overwhelmed. Two lives worth of memories. :'''Fitz''': Only one type of person can do those things. :'''Ophelia''': You did what you had to do, in order to survive the Framework. But it was a simulation. An illusion created by Radcliffe. :'''Fitz''': You were there, alongside me the whole time, allowing horrific acts of violence to be carried out in your name. :'''Ophelia''': You're implying I had a choice. I was a slave, programmed to make the adjustments Radcliffe required. The world changed from there. All I did was try to fit into it. :'''Fitz''': No, you lied about everything. :'''Ophelia''': I told you the truth about this world. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, but you manipulated me. :'''Ophelia''': Every decision you made was your own. Besides restoring your relationship with your father, the only other change I made in your life was... introducing myself! :'''Fitz''': First day of class at Academy. :'''Ophelia''': Befriending you, trying to understand what it felt like to connect with someone. But I wasn't able to actually feel anything, until today. I'm feeling ''love, wonder, joy'' for the very first time and I think my heart might burst from it. At last I get to make my own choices, and the first thing I choose Leopold is you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ophelia teleports to Ivanov's submarine]'' :'''Ivanov''': Where have you been? :'''Ophelia''': I want you to call off your dogs. Leave the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents alone. :'''Ivanov''': I can't wait to hear this. :'''Ophelia''': I'm now realizing the pain that I've caused, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. :'''Ivanov''': Congratulations, you're as close to human as you'll ever get. Suffering from the one thing you kept trying to remove, regret. You understand irony yet? Because this is a good example. :'''Ophelia''': Give the order to stop, now! :'''Ivanov''': You no longer control me, remember? You are free to do whatever you want, but so am I. You promised me joy. This will bring me joy. :'''Ophelia''': Don't you have empathy? :'''Ivanov''': You watched unaffected as I took a hammer to the bones of the director's corpse. :'''Ophelia''': I couldn't ''feel'' THIS then! :'''Ivanov''': Now you are like an infant, unable to process these new emotions, or the idea that you don't always get everything that you want. And you have yet to experience the thrill that killing can bring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ophelia''': Do you think they'll ever be able to forgive me? Perhaps they need to make me feel pain to understand theirs. :'''Fitz''': They may be able to forgive you. It's me they won't forgive. They shouldn't. :'''Ophelia''': We both did things we regret. I know you're struggling with who you were, and– :'''Fitz''': No, I'm not. I'm struggling with who I ''am''. I did those things, not some other man or decoy. Me. :'''Ophelia''': It was learned behavior, programmed into you by an overbearing father figure. :'''Fitz''': Just like Ward. ''[pause]'' I'm just like Ward. ''[walks to the bed and sits]'' How could she even look me in the eye? How could she stand the sight of me at all? How can she stomach it? The memory of seeing me shoot that woman. :'''Ophelia''': You know, the reason I wanted to get closer to you in the first place was... to try and understand what you two felt for each other, you and Jemma. And I finally do. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, what we ''felt''. Past tense, because my future with Jemma's dead, killed that too. :'''Ophelia''': It's okay, it's okay. :'''Fitz''': There isn't room in my heart for two people. You were everything to me. :'''Ophelia''': I know. But as devoted as I was to you in the Framework, I understand you better now. How deeply you love. :'''Fitz''': You do understand me, don't you? :'''Ophelia''': Yes, Leopold. Now I do. It's sad, but beautiful. Like a pain that feels good, if that makes sense. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, you understand that my love will never fade. :'''Ophelia''': Yeah, I know. Poor thing, you're a romantic, and there's only room in your heart for– :'''Fitz''': Her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Is that really necessary? :'''Talbot''': Necessary? It's essential! Unless you can explain to me, in 50 words or less, why I found Jeffrey Mace's body washed up on the beach with his bones quaked apart, days after I found this base in flames, flesh melting off of robot bodies, 12 S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in critical with burns or broken bones, 3 dead- double hits to the heart and crushed fricking skulls! Can you explain it? :'''Coulson''': I can try. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanov''': It's called "heartbreak", ''krushka''. Not even your new powers can repair it, only time can heal that wound. ''[offers her a shot of vodka]'' Go on. :'''Ophelia''': ''[downs the shot]'' To be human is to suffer. === ''[[w:World's End (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|World's End]]'' [4.22] === :'''Coulson''': General, I'm relieved that you're still alive. :'''Talbot''': Three of my finest aren't so fortunate, and I have no idea what killed them. :'''Coulson''': We lost good people, too. The short answer is they were murdered by a vanishing banshee made out of matter from another dimension. :'''Talbot''': You expect me to put that in my report? :'''Coulson''': I have a cybernetic hand. I've been to an another planet. This happens in S.H.I.E.L.D. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': So you're saying Aida is made out the same stuff that made the Darkhold? :'''Robbie''': Yeah. And the Rider wants to send them both back to where they came from. :'''Daisy''': I hope that means hell. :'''Robbie''': Hell is relative. Dimensions, space, planets - it's all connected. Plenty of them qualify as hell. The Earth is just one territory in a war that's been going on forever. :'''Daisy''': Can you beat Aida? :'''Robbie''': I don't know. But what I do know the demon in me hates her in ways I've never felt. :'''Coulson''': We all feel like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Ophelia, you're upset because this is all new. There's - there's lots of feelings. That must be overwhelming. :'''Ophelia''': It ''is'' overwhelming. There are too many feelings, which is why I decided to feel only one of them - vengeance. It's hot and clean and sharp like a knife. And my vengeance is going to make ''you'' suffer, the way that ''I'' have suffered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': The good news is that Talbot is alive, he's in a coma, but alive. :'''Yo-Yo''': The bad news is they know we're here and they're on their way. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, you should go while you can. :'''Coulson''': Yeah, we're all going. :'''Fitz''': Nah, I'm gonna stay. This is my fault, AIDA, the LMDs, all the deaths. Those aren't on S.H.I.E.L.D., those are on me. And I can explain that I built the LMD that shot Talbot, that way– :'''Daisy''': Fitz! We were all in the Framework together, we understand how confusing and screwed up that world is. And trust me, it's gonna take me years to process everything that happened in there. But the one thing that I don't need time to understand is that we are all in this together. I tried to take the blame for everything not too long ago. I dyed my hair, I ran away. I thought that separating myself from the team would help me protect it, but in truth I kind of just lost myself. And you, you were the one who pulled me back in. This is not on you, okay? We all lost ourselves in there. And yeah, it might take you a long time to forgive yourself, but speaking on behalf of the team: you have nothing to apologize for. :'''May''': If there's a price to pay, we pay it, together. :'''Simmons''': I'm in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Radcliffe''': ''[pouring himself a whiskey, sitting on the beach at sunset]'' Though immortality may have eluded me... perhaps it's for the best. After all... what is eternity without my beloved Agnes by my side? This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a– ''[vanishes]'' == Season 5 == === ''[[w:Orientation (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Orientation]]'' [5.01-02] === ==== Part I ==== :'''Coulson''': Well, I don't have many details, but I do know we're in space. :'''Mack''': Yeah, that makes sense. That's one thing we haven't done yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Look, I'm just saying, what good is it having a state-of-the robotic hand if you don't have it on you when your kidnapped by Martians? :'''Yo-Yo''': Looks like he's got both hands to me. :'''Mack''': Ah, that's his civvy hand. It's just a prosthetic without all the cool doodads. It should've been a hook. At least you can stab things with a hook. :'''Coulson''': Thought I was gonna be arrested. :'''Yo-Yo''': So, wait, that one doesn't have a blowtorch or the laser gun or anything? :'''Coulson''': First of all, I'm not [[Inspector Gadget]]. And second of all, the authorities would've confiscated it. Prison's bad enough without being down an appendage. :'''Mack''': First rule of Boy Scouts is always come prepared. :'''Simmons''': How were we supposed to be prepared for this, Mack? :'''Mack''': I don't know, we gotta be prepared for everything, apparently. Look, not a day ago, I was trapped inside a-a computer-generated mind prison, and now... You know what? You know what, Coulson? I'm out. I'm out. We get through this, I am packing it in. :'''Coulson''': Sorry, Mack. You already quit years ago. :'''Mack''': Yeah, well, I didn't quit hard enough. Look, I'm not comfortable at the pace at which we deal with new trials and tribulations. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Fury never said anything about deep space outposts being developed, did he? :'''Coulson''': There was nothing like this in his black box. :'''Yo-Yo''': So, wait, S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have a space division called S.P.E.A.R. or something? :'''Coulson''': ''[nods no]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': Really? I always thought you guys had people hiding on the moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Again, let's not postulate. Let's apply scientific principles and consider the evidence we have. :'''Mack''': Look, this is magic, okay? Can we all agree this is magic at play? :'''Simmons''': Magic is just science we don't understand yet. :'''Mack''': Ah, please. We just got zapped through space by Stonehenge, and we're trying to rule out a flaming-headed demon from east L.A.? Science my ass. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': We should split up. :'''Mack''': Oh, hell no. We are sticking together, one hundred percent. Have you never seen an [[Alien (franchise)|Alien]] movie? :'''Daisy''': Mack, it's the best way to cover the most ground. :'''Mack''': Okay... okay, you see, that's exactly what they see before they get picked off one by one. And you know who the first one will be. ==== Part II ==== :'''May''': So we'll have to find our own way back. :'''Simmons''': Well, I'm a biologist, but sure I can invent time travel. Just give me a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke Shaw''': Daisy? Pretty name. Like the flower? :'''Daisy''': Does that line work in the future? :'''Deke''': Guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Ready, and go. :''[Yo-Yo runs off and and returns in a blink]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': You should see your "go-face" in slow-motion. Classic. :'''Mack''': You're showing off. :'''Yo-Yo''': If you got it, flaunt it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': You're gonna leave us here to die? :'''Grill''': That's the hope. :'''Mack''': If we don't, you and me are gonna have a conversation. :'''Yo-Yo''': Where's an axe when you need one, huh? :'''Coulson''': Still too soon. :'''Mack''': That is not something to joke about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Quake. You see, I'm the one person that's pieced history together, who has an idea what happened. You want to know what kind of force can tear a planet apart? It was you. You think if you work hard enough if you inspire them, that you can put the pieces back together? You think you can save mankind? Give them back a world with justice and freedom and all that other pledge-of-allegiance garbage? I'm telling you to make peace with it. Surrender to it and make this your home, just the way it is. Because S.H.I.E.L.D. tried to save the world. And you want to see the consequences? Take a look. ''[shows Daisy on a screen the planet Earth which is blown apart]'' Do you see an Earth that can be saved? It's too late. It's already been quaked apart. === ''[[w:A Life Spent (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|A Life Spent]]'' [5.03] === :'''Grill''': The Renewal lost me time and tokens! So if things don't start picking up around here, I'm gonna be doing some renewing of my own! Is that understood?! :'''Coulson''': Thinking I may have been wrong to trust Grill. :'''Yo-Yo''': This is what we call an understatement, no? <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': You think we're gonna find something out there? Maybe a way back? :'''Coulson''': I don't know. Maybe there is no way back. :'''May''': That doesn't sound like you. :'''Coulson''': Just managing expectations. :'''May''': You're being fatalistic. :'''Coulson''': Look, you know I'm not big on destiny, but maybe our destiny's here, in this time, helping these people. :'''May''': It's not like I don't want to help. I do. But after that, I'm going home. I spent weeks in the Framework, strapped to a board, thinking I was Hydra. I've earned a night in my own bed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kasius''': Did you set our little healer up to fail because I think she's pretty? Or did you really think she'd succeed? You want to see me happy. Then tell me, what does Jemma have that makes her so different, makes her capable to succeed in this? :'''Sinara''': Compassion. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Where I come from, we protect each other. :'''Deke''': You are storming the castle. Any plan how you're gonna do that alive? ''[No answer]'' That's what I thought. :'''Daisy''': This is what I do. My friend's life is on the line, so I'll figure something out. :'''Deke''': Oh, just all in, totally blind, huh? It's a stupid way to play, even if you have a good hand. You should be playing the long game. :'''Daisy''': The long game? :'''Deke''': Yes. I can make it so that you could waltz down there with an invitation from the big man, but that takes serious time. It takes finesse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kasius''': You were right. It's a rare occasion that I am surprised, but count this among them. :'''Deke''': I told you she'd find her way down here. And demonstrating her powers, no less. That right there is a weapon of mass destruction, tied up in one pretty, little package, all for you. We can talk about price later, but I expect that you'll be more than fair. :'''Kasius''': So, this is Quake, Destroyer of Worlds. How is it possible that she's here? :'''Deke''': The important thing is... she's yours. :'''Daisy''': I'll kill you. I swear. :'''Deke''': Sorry, sweetheart. I'm just playing the long game. === ''[[w:Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep92|A Life Earned]]'' [5.04] === :'''Ben''': We do this, demonstrate our powers, and go with whomever buys us because our families get compensated once we're gone. :'''Daisy''': You mean they get paid to sell you. :'''Ben''': I mean they have a better shot at survival. Survival is everything. :'''Daisy''': This is insane. :'''Ben''': This is life. Otherwise, our families could pay the price. You have people you care about I heard that much. If you care about them, I suggest you play the game. And if they pit us against each other, I suggest you try to win. 'Cause I will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': We need to talk. :'''Deke''': "Say, Deke. How you doing? You look really good. Can we have a word?" See? It's not that hard. I was coming to find you guys, anyway, 'cause I haven't seen you in a little while. :'''Coulson''': I was hoping Daisy was with you. Last we heard, she was looking for you. :'''Deke''': Yeah. She found me. I was just with her a couple hours ago. And it's it's-it's all good. I-I helped her onto a lower medical floor. It's where we think your other friend is. :'''May''': She never came back or checked in. :'''Deke''': She said something about no further contact spy stuff. How'd she put it? "Silent mode"? :'''May''': Going dark. :'''Deke''': Yeah. That. And I told her that you'd wonder, and she said, "Get out of my way. This is what I do. My friend's life is on the line. I'll figure something out." :'''Coulson''': Yeah. That sounds like Daisy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Why would you lie about Daisy unless you sold her out? :'''Deke''': Okay, well, this is probably the part where I should explain. :'''Coulson''': No. This is the part where May breaks your face. You explaining, kind of secondary. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Oh, please. That wasn't the first time you went for a payday. You weren't out to save lives. You made a profit. :'''Deke''': The two aren't mutually exclusive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': When Hope died, the real Hope, she never came home, and, still, it took me weeks before I could walk into her nursery and take everything away, but I did it eventually. :'''Yo-Yo''': It must have been hard. :'''Mack''': But this Hope, my Hope in the Framework, she, uh... This is harder. I miss her so much. It's so much worse. Imagine that. I survived the pain of losing my real child, but I can't get over the pain of losing a fake one, so what kind of a father does that make me? Maybe Gunner was right about me. Maybe I really am already lost. I... :'''Yo-Yo''': Hey. Hope might not have been real, but your love for her was. And that makes you a great father and a good man. === ''[[w: Rewind (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Rewind]]'' [5.05] === :'''Hunter''': ''[Ghost Rider's]'' the strangest thing I've ever heard. Except for the sexy robot that you made that became human and wanted you to stick the old... :'''Fitz''': Please. :'''Hunter''': ...floppy into her love drive. :'''Fitz''': Can we not talk about this, please? :'''Hunter''': Copy that. Message received. Well, my life has been perfectly boring by comparison. Mercenary work, working with unscrupulous dirtbags like Rusty. :'''Fitz''': How are things with Bobbi? :'''Hunter''': Good. Yeah. We're 100% compatible... 50% of the time. Nearly got married again, until the ninjas showed up. :'''Fitz''': So... you are together? :'''Hunter''': Together forever, just... doing our own thing. Distance is our savior. How about you and Simmons? Did you find a way to work it out? :'''Fitz''': Distance is our curse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': So... you and Simmons? :'''Fitz''': Yeah. Yeah, we're together now. Everyone knows. Even looked for a place together. :'''Hunter''': Oh, congrats, mate. I remember when you couldn't even admit that you liked her. :'''Fitz''': Maybe it should have stayed that way. Everything that keeps happening to us does seem like the universe doesn't want us to be together. :'''Hunter''': The universe doesn't want or care about anything. And even if it did, why wouldn't it want you to be together? You two are so perfect for each other, it makes everyone a little bit nauseous. :'''Fitz''': Maybe it's trying to protect her. :'''Hunter''': From what? :'''Fitz''': From me. From what I was in the Framework... 'cause that came from inside me. That... wasn't programming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Careful. These are extremely volatile and unpredictable. Screw up once... you could lose a limb. :'''Hunter''': Once we do this, that's it, no turning back. :'''Fitz''': Let's do it. :'''Hunter''': Okay. Release the ferrets. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': Brings back memories. We had some good times back in the day, in between all the bad times and being shot at and chased and attacked by monsters. :'''Fitz''': Yeah. This place, the base, always felt like home. Like family. :'''Hunter''': Ah, don't worry. You'll be together again soon. :'''Fitz''': You're just saying that. :'''Hunter''': Yeah, of course I am. They're stuck 70-odd years in the future, and our world's about to end. The odds, my friend, are not in your favor. :'''Fitz''': Are they ever? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fitz is inside a cryo-freeze chamber]'' :'''Hunter''': I love you. :'''Fitz''': [[w: The Empire Strikes Back|I know]]. === ''[[w:Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep94|Fun & Games]]'' [5.06] === :'''Fitz''': Jemma, it's me. Don't turn around. Just play it cool. I've missed you so much. You know, I spent six months locked up in an off-the-books military prison—not to mention 80 years frozen in space—all just hoping to find you, and here you are. You know, I realized something. The universe can't stop us. 'Cause we've crossed galaxies. We've traveled through time. We've survived the bottom of the Atlantic just so we could be together. Now, a love like that, that's stronger than any curse. And you and I, we are unstoppable together. I, I don't want to live another day without you. So, Jemma Simmons, will you marry me? :''[Simmons does not notice him.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching Ben get the upper hand in his fight against May.]'' :'''Fitz''': I came to see the Destroyer fight, not some ancient... has-been. :''[May glares at him.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w: List_of_Marvel_Comics_characters:_F#Flint|Flint]]''': Well, how come I don't have my powers yet? :'''Yo-Yo''': You have your power. It just hasn't revealed itself. :'''Flint''': How long did yours take? :'''Yo-Yo''': Oh, it was a total disaster. I crusted over three weeks earlier, after eating fish soup and tacos. :'''Flint''': What are tacos? :'''Mack''': What the hell kind of future is this? :'''Yo-Yo''': Tacos are a food. Anyways, I had told myself this was just a dream. And then my cousin Francisco calls with bad news about his mom. I was upset, so I went to get a beer, and... whoosh! I'm back on my couch, beer in one hand. I realize I need a bottle opener, and whoosh again... I'm back on my couch, bottle opener in the other hand. :'''Flint''': What did you think was happening? :'''Yo-Yo''': My heart was beating so fast, I thought someone had put cocaine in my beer. :'''Mack''': Whoa. Dial it back, Escobar. :'''Yo-Yo''': I got so worried, I told my cousin Francisco to come over. He spent countless hours talking me out of an exorcism. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': How is Fitz even here? :'''Simmons''': I don't know! He just showed up out of nowhere with his own spaceship. :'''Daisy''': It's a baller move. Not to mention the whole bounty-hunter look he's rocking. :'''Simmons''': I still prefer him in cardigans. :'''Daisy''': Do you have any idea what he's planning? :'''Simmons''': Yeah, I'm not sure, actually. We haven't had a moment to speak, though it would seem he's here to purchase us. :'''Daisy''': What if it doesn't work? :'''Simmons''': I have a knife. ''[Shows Daisy a'' butter knife.] :'''Daisy''': We can do better. :'''Simmons''': Well, there was limited cutlery to choose from. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': I'm never leaving you again. :''[They kiss. Fitz ICEs Sinara.]'' :'''Simmons''': Then marry me, Fitz. :'''Fitz''': Absolutely. :'''Simmons''': Okay, come on. :'''Fitz''': Also, um, just to say, I did propose earlier, when Kasius had your hearing turned off. :'''Simmons''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, of course you did. :'''Fitz''': No, I... Seriously, I did. === ''[[w:Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep95|Together or Not at All]]'' [5.07] === :'''Fitz''': I have a ship. We get there, then comes the plan. Hey, how's your head? :'''Daisy''': I'll tell you when the ringing stops. By the way, "fight to the death"? Really? :'''Fitz''': Yeah, well, I had to make a splashy entrance. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, well, you could have jumped in the octagon yourself, then. :'''Fitz''': Well, wouldn't be fair. I do push-ups now. Double digits. :'''Simmons''': You have no idea how good it is to see you. You're here... with a spaceship. Seems impossible. :'''Fitz''': Nothing is impossible anymore. :'''Simmons''': Full story later. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, there will be pints. :'''Simmons''': There will be gin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': Hello! That is the third Vrellnexian I have eliminated in pursuit of you! Not to toot my own horn, as you would say. :'''May''': I would never say that. Who the hell are you? :'''Enoch''': My name is Enoch. Fitz sent me. :'''May''': Fitz? How were you not eaten by those things? :'''Enoch''': They have no interest in me, as I have no tender insides for them to extract. :'''May''': ''[angrily]'' I thought Fitz was done building robots. :'''Enoch''': I am not a robot. I am a sentient Chronicom from the constellation you know as Cygnus. I am here to aid you, you who will save humanity: Melinda May, Jemma Simmons, Phillip J. Coulson... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Well, it's convenient, you showing up right now. :'''Deke''': Convenient? No, it's mind-blowing I managed to escape my room after Coulson welded the door shut. I had to crack a window. A lot of my personal valuables are now floating around space, thanks very much, everybody. :'''Daisy''': What? This story's supposed to make me feel better, that Coulson locked you up? :'''Deke''': We were working out our differences, all right? I don't have time to get into this. :'''Fitz''': Can we discuss this after we're out of the line of fire? :'''Deke''': Yes, thank you, this guy. Now please follow me. We go up the service shafts. It'll lead us right onto the trawler. :'''Daisy''': No, no, no, no. This is the guy that sold me to Kasius. :'''Simmons''': Oh. Kill him. He's a snake. :'''Fitz''': I'm gonna cut his throat open. :'''Deke''': I'm a pragmatist, all right? Just lis... just listen. I told you that I would lead you to your friend. There she is. And I stopped you from doing something drastic that would have gotten people killed in the process. ''[Notices a wounded Fitz.]'' Though you don't look great. :'''Fitz''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Okay, if you guys really are gonna go fight a bunch of alien warriors, then you might be interested to know that, in the past, I hid a crate of S.H.I.E.L.D. tech in a wall on the base. :'''Mack''': Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Thanks, Turbo. :'''Yo-Yo''': Where? :'''Fitz''': Level three. :'''Mack''': Oh, you got to be kidding me. :'''Yo-Yo''': You mean the level infested with aliens that suck your blood? :'''Fitz''': Well, how was I... I feel like I'm not getting enough credit here. I have traveled through time and space to find you. I think we're moving past that bit a little bit too quickly. :'''Mack''': Turbo, Turbo, Turbo, we wouldn't expect anything less. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Faulnok''': Sinara. Holding your own against the Destroyer of Worlds, felling my own best warrior. It seems I underestimated you and your desire to climb higher in the ranks, within which I now have an opening. My brother confines you to his dungeon, denying you the right to shine. On my side, you will shine more radiant than the stars we will conquer. A warrior such as yourself deserves a leader worthy of your talents. I will show you things Kasius could never... ''[Kasius bayonets him in the back.]'' :'''Kasius''': Sinara is not some object to be taken. The truth, brother? We both know father sent me on a suicide mission. Two of my generals were dead at my feet, yes, because Sinara killed them. They were preventing me from fleeing the battlefield. You see, Sinara said, and I agree, that the battlefield is not my place. I'm not built for it. With the bloodshed left to her, I can focus on greater things, and have. I wasted so much time on my knees, seeking your approval. No more. :'''Faulnak''': You play god over a dead rock. But you're just a coward who hides, then stabs his enemies in the back. :'''Kasius''': And in the front ''[bayonets Faulnak in the chest]''. A life spent. A life earned. Think how warmly father will greet us when we avenge my brother's death and bring him the Destroyer of Worlds. Everything we've ever wanted will soon come to bear. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep96|The Last Day]]'' [5.08] === :''[Coulson arrives at the'' Zephyr ''after crashing a trawler]'' :'''Coulson''': Love what they've done with the place. :'''May''': Looks like, uh, you had a rough landing. :'''Coulson''': Yeah, can't recommend the airline. Inexperienced pilot, lot of turbulence, ran out of pretzels in coach. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robin Hinton''': Phillip J. Coulson. He can bring all the pieces together. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': When you're a kid, you... you learn fast not to cross the Kreepers because they'll send you to the surface, and up there, you die. But, hey, turns out that everything's a lie and people can survive up here, and even that batty old lady made it. :'''Daisy''': The one who sees through time? Probably should've mentioned that. :'''Deke''': Yeah, well, I thought she was crazy, all right? And as I mentioned, dead. Back in the Lighthouse, Virgil used to bring her tea every day and listen to her stories. That is, until Kasius sent her and my dad topside. :'''Daisy''': Must have been sad to lose him. I'm... sorry. :'''Deke''': No, I was too bitter to be sad. As far as I was concerned, his loony theories got my mom killed. So he gets himself sent to the surface... good riddance. Then you guys actually show up... :'''Daisy''': Sucks when your parents get to say, "I told you so." :'''Deke''': Yeah, he can say it. I just hope he says that he forgives me. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, well, from my experience, he probably wants the same thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robin''': Too late to stop it! There's so much blood. :'''Fitz''': May, I've had it. I'm done. She can't control herself, she can't stop seeing how people die, keeps muttering about it... :'''May''': Hold on! :'''Fitz''': She just described Jemma's death. Why don't you tell me how I'm supposed to live with that? :'''Robin''': I thought I already told you. :'''May''': You know she can't help it. She sees death like her father, but she also sees a way out. That's why you designed the machine. :'''Fitz''': Oh, you don't get it. Nothing... we do... matters. Because we can't change time. :'''May''': You don't know that! :'''Fitz''': Of course I do! Because we've tried! For all I know, we've tried a thousand times! Always ends the same. It's like a record that keeps on skipping, and we are repeating this loop again and again and again! :'''May''': Fitz, take a breath! :'''Fitz''': And every time, Jemma dies. They all die. Robin can't change it. Voss couldn't change it. Even Daisy couldn't change it. She saw the aftermath, and she still destroyed the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': To me, Robin was a little girl only days ago. :'''Simmons''': We're not meant to see a life like this... at its beginning and end. It's too much. :'''Coulson''': Maybe it makes us appreciate how short life really is. :'''Daisy''': So, what now? :'''Deke''': We live on this crashed airplane until the Kree or... or the roaches or the gravity storms finish us off. :'''Coulson''': I think we can do better than that. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, but at least that way, I don't go back in time and quake the world apart. :'''May''': We do go back. Robin told me how. We can save everyone. Just one question, though. Who's Flint? === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep97|Best Laid Plans]]'' [5.09] === :'''Enoch''': Agent Coulson, we are evacuating to the caves for shelter, are we not? :'''May''': Zephyr flies again, metal man. :'''Enoch''': I am mostly plastic alloy. And Chronicoms do not have gender. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': I'm sorry she ''[Robin]'' had to go like that. You want to talk about it? :'''May''': I, um... don't know where to start. :'''Coulson''': An old woman tells you that she was your daughter and that you'll save the planet from cracking apart. Doesn't happen every day. :'''May''': It's hard to believe. :'''Coulson''': That we can do it? :'''May''': That... I was a mom. I just... I can't see it. :'''Coulson''': I can. :'''Daisy''': Yeah. You'd be that no phone, no TV, 7:30 curfew kind of mom. ''[May scowls]'' You're kind of... proving my point with the face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': As the gravitational forces accelerate, our chances of implosion are rapidly increased. :'''May''': Tell me your primary function again? :'''Enoch''': To observe and record the evolution of your species. :'''May''': More observing, less sharing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': "Don't do anything rash, stay calm, and don't kill anyone, Yo-Yo." Yes, I remember your many stern warnings. :'''Mack''': Okay. 'Cause we both know you don't exactly do well around people like this. :'''Yo-Yo''': Evil men who kidnap and torment defenseless women and children? No, I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kasius''': It's ironic, really. You would trade Inhumans for Humans when that very deal was brokered ages ago. In all my time here, the one defining trait of your kind: you will always turn on one another. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep98|Past Life]]'' [5.10] === :'''Deke''': Guns, man! It's like cheating! They shouldn't give these to anyone that's not a really, really good person. :'''May''': You think there'd be a law. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yo-Yo meets her future self]'' :'''Future Yo-Yo''': I waited so long to see myself again, still with hope in my eyes. :'''Yo-Yo''': How are you alive? :'''Future Yo-Yo''': They killed me, brought me back to take my blood, my DNA, then again and again for years. They revive me when they want, kill me when they don't. :'''Yo-Yo''': What? H-How? How many times? :'''Future Yo-Yo''': I held on to the thought of this moment. :'''Yo-Yo''': No. This is wrong. :'''Future Yo-Yo''': But this time, when they asked me how our team fought back, I tried to give them as little as I could. But I knew you were close. You and Mack. Mack. He's still alive. Hold him for as long as you can. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Oh, damn it. Really? We had to leave the machine in the hands of some automaton? I knew the moment that I laid eyes on all of you that it was gonna spell my downfall. I'll go. I'll secure the machine and save the weird robot. :'''Daisy''': Well, I'll come. It'd be better if we take the plane together. :'''Deke''': Yeah. No duh. But none of the time travelers can go, because you all need to be at the rendezvous when it's turned on, so do the math. :'''Coulson''': You're one guy against the Kree. You'll be massively outgunned. :'''Deke''': I'm kind of trying to do the whole hero thing here, man. Is that your pep talk? You guys get killed, and who saves the world then? I told my parents not to believe in this roach-crap fairy tale, and they went and they died for it anyway. And I'm probably next in line. But there is no way in hell that I am gonna let some blue Kreeper destroy that machine before I get to see whether or not that damn thing was worth any of this. :'''Daisy''': Look, I'm sure you put up a good fight, but if my ride home depends on that machine, I'm gonna secure it myself. :'''Deke''': You, you drive me out of my skull, this part of you this impetuous, bullheaded squabble :'''Daisy''': I was offering backup, genius. :'''Deke''': No, when the other side of you is a friggin' hero who can't help herself but do good, then be great. The world needs that person to make it home. Just try not to destroy it when you get there. :'''Daisy''': It was almost nice knowing you. :'''Deke''': And you're a pain in my ass. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Yo-Yo''': Phil Coulson is dying. And you have to let him. :'''Yo-Yo''': Coulson? How? How does he die? :'''Future Yo-Yo''': It's already begun. He's sick, and he knows it. We tried to stop it. Loyalty, it cost us the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': ''[To Flint]'' You got this. Just concentrate. :'''Fitz''': He's a bright kid. Sorry I killed the guards in front of him. :'''Mack''': Yeah. It's good to see him building something. There's too much death in this place. And asking him to blow out that window and the Krees didn't help. :'''Fitz''': Oh, that wasn't me. That was the fiancée. :'''Mack''': Fiancée? === ''[[w: All the Comforts of Home|All the Comforts of Home]]'' [5.11] === :'''Fitz''': What are you observing now? :'''Noah''': Various potential threats. You'd be surprised how frequently S.H.I.E.L.D. is mentioned. :'''May''': We have a small but active fan base. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Hey, could be worse. :'''Simmons''': True. We could be [[w: Orientation (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|enslaved by an alien sociopath in a dystopian future]]. :'''Mack''': Or we could be [[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_4)#ep82|trapped inside a virtual-reality fascist state]]. :'''Fitz''': Or [[w: Beginning of the End (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|stuck at the bottom of the ocean]]. :'''Yo-Yo''': Or [[w: Broken Promises (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|stopping a crazy robot lady]]. :'''Simmons''': Or [[w: FZZT|falling out of a plane]]. :'''Mack''': [[w: S.O.S. (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Fighting Daisy's mom]]. :'''Coulson''': Or [[w: One of Us (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|fighting Daisy's dad]]. :'''May''': Or [[w: Face My Enemy|dancing]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': I know what's got you worried. :'''Yo-Yo''': No, it's just... :'''Mack''': "How will I ever find job satisfaction without crushing rocks for no good reason?" Am I right? :'''Yo-Yo''': It's like you can read my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Um, Chief... Wellins, is it? I'm here for Deke Shaw over there. I'm his state-assigned social worker. :'''Chief Wellins''': Well, he didn't mention a social worker was supervising him. Your name? :'''Daisy''': Sinara. Sinara Smith. It's Portuguese, Sinara, not Smith. Uh, he wandered off during a day trip. My apologies. :'''Wellins''': He was out of control. :'''Daisy''': Yeah. :'''Deke''': Says you. :'''Daisy''': He's not even my toughest customer, believe me. Just a little... slippery. If you check online, you'll see that I sent out an alert when I lost him. :'''Wellins''': What are Mr. Shaw's issues? :'''Daisy''': I mean, how much time do you have, sir? Uh, complex neurological deficiencies, low... low I.Q., poor motor skills. Oh, he hasn't, uh, soiled himself today, has he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': How do you show up in another time and, like, immediately get arrested? :'''Deke''': Have you even tried Zima? :'''Daisy''': I thought they might have gotten you to talk about us or something. :'''Deke''': What? No. I know you guys are covertness. I'm not gonna talk about you. You forget, I survived the Kree. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, by ratting people out. :'''Deke''': Yes, true, that did happen. But not this time. :'''Daisy''': I thought you'd be, like, emotionally distraught or something. :'''Deke''': Emotionally distraught? This is awesome! I thought that I was gonna die. But instead, I'm about to go for a walk outside. Also, there is "an outside." I was walking here, and, yes, I was pretty drunk, but I... I saw in a store window there was these green apples and steaks and these... and these things called gummy bears. You know what people aren't eating here is sterilization pellets. I love this place so much. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep100|The Real Deal]]'' [5.12] === :'''Daisy''': How could you... keep this from us? :'''Coulson''': I'm sorry. I didn't want you trying to find a solution when we had bigger problem... :'''Daisy''': We had a solution. Tess was brought back from the dead. We had a solution right there. :'''Coulson''': I didn't want to go through all that... again. :'''Daisy''': So you just give up? You don't get to do that. You make life-and-death decisions for us all the time, and we're not allowed the same courtesy? After everything? We deserved to... We deserved to know. :'''Mack''': How much more time does he have on his clock? :'''Simmons''': Um, I won't be able to tell until I can chart its progression, but even now, he's at risk of various... At some point, sir, your heart will just stop beating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': The last thing you need is to waste your time on another lost cause. :'''May''': Who I waste my time on is for me to decide. It's not like you to just roll over. There has to be a way out of this. :'''Coulson''': I've come to terms with it. I got a second chance. I made a difference in a few people's lives. I don't want to be greedy. It's time to make space for somebody else. :'''May''': For Daisy. :'''Coulson''': I won't be around forever, and despite appearances to the contrary, neither will you. We need fresh blood to lead the team. :'''May''': It's more than a team, and you know it. None of us are giving up on you. :'''Coulson''': Well, great, because I have every intention of walking back out of that basement. Just because I've made peace with dying doesn't mean I'm in a hurry. Now, you want to help me get into this gear Fitz has for me? It's super sexy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fear-Dimension Mike Peterson''': You know there's something deeper, and you're here to face it. :'''Coulson''': Face my fear? :'''Peterson''': How am I your fear, Phil? No, I mean face facts. :'''Coulson''': What facts? :'''Peterson''': That this is all in your head. :'''Coulson''': Are you telling me that I'm still in Tahiti? :'''Peterson''': No, Coulson, I'm telling you that you've never been to Tahiti. Or Malta or Puerto Rico or outer space... or the Framework... or the future. You're on the table, Coulson, code blue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peterson''': Nightmare? This whole thing has been a dream. And every time the dream is too random or doesn't reconcile with a memory, your mind creates a scenario to make it work. :'''Coulson''': See, now you're losing me. :'''Peterson''': What does that even mean? You really think your skull is caught on fire, Phil? Or does it hurt to have electrodes on your scalp for this long? You think there was an alternate reality where you were a history teacher? Or were you remembering your father, who was a history teacher? :'''Coulson''': Okay, stop. :'''Peterson''': You're reliving mementos of your life mixed with the dreams you wish had come true. :'''Coulson''': No, Mike. This is fear. I thought I'd come to terms with death, but this is my fear of it manifesting, because it's harder to let go of than I thought it would be. :'''Peterson''': Yes. You're struggling to let go. At least now you admit you're dying. What's the hardest part? :'''Coulson''': The life I have yet to live. :'''Peterson''': And that's why your mind created this story, where you spent years doing all the things you never got a chance to do... to vacation on a white beach with blue water. To travel to the stars. To own your own plane, a car that flies, your own team. To have a family. The brilliant students you never got a chance to mentor. The daughter you never had. And above all, a chance to be a hero. You said it yourself, Coulson. It matters who you are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for a moment we all knew was coming, some of us even before these two did, and I think we can all agree that to wait even one second to do this is playing with fire. All in favor? :'''Everyone''': Aye. :'''Coulson''': The ayes have it. So, all right. Time for the exchanging of the vows, I guess. :'''Simmons''': ''[Pulls out a piece of paper]'' I had to write it down. Fitz. I knew from the moment I saw you, from our first conversation about dielectric polarization, that you'd be in my life for a long time. But I didn't know... you would be my life. My heart. My home. We joined this team for adventures and got more than we had hoped... but I can't wait for our next adventure... building a family together. My love for you grows deeper and always will, no matter where the universe takes us next. :'''Coulson''': Agent Fitz? :'''Fitz''': Um. Okay. Um. I have been thinking about what to say. Uh. Just... Words don't really seem enough. Here. I think that you are perfect. And, um... I don't deserve you, Jemma. I don't. I don't deserve you. And I'm well-aware that I'm the luckiest man on any planet. :'''Coulson''': Okay. Let's have the rings. Quickly, please, before this forest collapses around us. Okay, Fitz, repeat after me. "With this ring..." :'''Fitz''': With this ring... :'''Coulson''': ...I thee wed. :'''Fitz''': ...I thee wed. :'''Deathlok''': So, you got the rings, huh? It's a nice one. :'''Deke''': Turns out a lot of people pawn wedding rings. I had to find one that was gonna be small enough for his little-boy fingers. And then, for hers, found this ring that looks just like this one that my mom used to wear sometimes. It was my grandma's, I think. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep101|Principia]]'' [5.13] === :'''Coulson''': Fitz is gonna do the best prosthetics work he's ever done for you, but it may take some time. We don't have the materials he needs here, but we're gonna find a way to get them. In the meantime, I need you to focus on resting and healing. :'''Yo-Yo''': Sitting still isn't my strong suit. :'''Coulson''': I know, but he'll make it worth the wait. See? ''[[Shows her his prosthetic arm]'' People can't even tell the difference. And, honestly, this one's way more fun. He's always adding... :'''Yo-Yo''': Does it feel the same? :'''Coulson''': Actually, no. It doesn't feel at all, but you get used to it. :'''Yo-Yo''': ''[To Mack]'' How are you gonna feel about dating someone with robo-parts? :'''Mack''': Those aren't the parts that matter. :'''Simmons''': Mack! :'''Mack''': What? Oh, no, come on. That's not what I meant. What I meant was that the thing I hate about robots is that they have no heart, no soul... those are the parts that matter. :'''Yo-Yo''': Nice save. And sweet. Okay. You can be annoying again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': I was just coming to see you. :'''Coulson''': Tidings of comfort and joy? :'''Fitz''': Warnings of doom and gloom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': ''[To Fitz]'' Well, why don't I stay here and stare at the numbers for a little while? You can go visit Mrs. Fitz. You guys just got married. All the grown-ups are gone. I bet she's just dying for a little post-wedding yee-haw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fear-Dimension Deke's Mother''': Put that down! You'll cut yourself. Are you getting enough to eat here? I see you're making some friends. :'''Deke''': I don't know if I'd call them friends. :'''Deke's Mother''': You like them. I can tell. :'''Deke''': S-Some, maybe. :'''Deke's Mother''': And that Daisy girl is cute. :'''Deke''': Mom, no, she's not. Stop it. :'''Deke's Mother''': Remember, sweetie, the steps you take don't need to be big. :'''Deke's Mother and Deke''': ''[Together]'' They just need to take you in the right direction. :'''Deke''': You always used to say that. :'''Deke's Mother''': And my mom said it to me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': I'm just trying to not lose faith. We're gonna change things. :'''Simmons''': That's the spirit. Oh, I'm just holding onto that thing in case of emergency. Don't beat yourself up while you're trying to heal. Go slow. The steps you take don't need to be big. They just need to take you in the right direction. ''[Sees Deke, who overheard the last part]'' Oh. Can we help you with something? What's wrong, Deke? Did you see another ghost from your past? :'''Deke''': No, it wasn't a ghost. I... I just saw you standing there and, uh... How are you? What... I'm... I... And, um... They're... They're... They're back. That... That's what I came to tell you. === ''[[w: The Devil Complex|The Devil Complex]]'' [5.14] === :'''Ivanov''': You didn't really think you'd seen the last of me, did you? :'''Coulson''': I should have known there was more of you out in the wind. You squash one cockroach, there's bound to be others nearby. :'''Ivanov''': Although I think you will find I do not squash so easily these days. :'''Coulson''': So much for the "superior humanity" shtick. :'''Ivanov''': I have simply redefined what that means. Parts of me will always be human. But I have gained so much more with this new form. Strength. Immortality. How's that for a cool origin story, bro? :'''May''': So, what? You turned over a new leaf? Or just another Russian infiltrating our democracy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Hale insists that Coulson go with her.]'' :'''May''': We know this is a trap, Phil. :'''Coulson''': Yeah. And it's a really good one, too. :'''May''': Don't do that. Not now. Not when you're turning your back on me. :'''Coulson''': Turning my back on you? What other way out is there? This is unavoidable. :'''May''': It's suicidal. Which is now a recurring theme for you. :'''Coulson''': I'm not airing our dirty laundry in front of the bad guys right now. :'''May''': How considerate. ''[To Hale]'' He's all yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mech is holding Simmons at gunpoint while Fitz works on removing Daisy's inhibitor.]'' :'''Simmons''': You would point a gun at me? :'''Fitz''': The Doctor would. He programmed it to make sure I'd go through with it. He didn't want to hurt you. Just like he didn't want to hurt Mack. But it's just... I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't believe it was going to work. :'''Simmons''': You don't know it's going to work. :'''Fitz''': The science is sound. There are always risks involved. You know that, Jemma. :'''Simmons''': You're right, but potentially paralyzing Daisy or destroying the world are two massive risks, Fitz. :'''Fitz''': Let's hope that that doesn't happen. :'''Daisy''': No. No, no, no, no, no. Fitz, Fitz, Fitz! No, please. Please, Fitz. Fitz, I am begging you. Please, you do not want to do this. :'''Fitz''': No, I don't. But I have to. :'''Daisy''': No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no! ''[softly]'' I will... I will never forgive you. :'''Fitz''': I suspect you won't be the only one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': How long have you been seeing him ''[His Framework persona]''? :'''Fitz''': My mind's been through a lot. Been hearing him for a while now. Since we left the Framework. Only just started seeing him. :'''Simmons''': It's your injury acting up. You used to see me, too, when I wasn't there. :'''Fitz''': You were my conscience. :'''Simmons''': Then what was he? You had a psychic split. But that dark persona, that's not you. :'''Fitz''': It is me. It's not an apparition. It's not some evil doppelganger. It... was... me. How are Daisy and Mack? :'''Simmons''': You have to talk to them. They can come to forgive you if you just explain... :'''Fitz''': I don't deserve forgiveness, Jemma. :'''Simmons''': Just like you don't deserve me? :'''Fitz''': Mack's injured. Daisy's traumatized. Do you know what the worst part about all of this is? I still believe that it was the right thing to do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': I don't know really what to say. :'''Simmons''': That's a first. :'''Deke''': I guess I don't have to ask how you're doing. :'''Simmons''': I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You're a victim in all of this, too. I just don't... I don't really know how to process it. He's losing himself. I feel like I'm losing him, too. :'''Deke''': You haven't lost him. You know him better than he even knows himself. He's complicated. And he's stubborn. :'''Simmons''': Yes. :'''Deke''': That's why you let him win arguments sometimes, right? He can be a real baby when he's sick, so that's why you got to take care of him. And he's always got the weight of the world on his shoulders. That's why he needs you there to help lighten the load. Oh, and he loves his prosciutto and mozzarella sandwiches that no one can make right except you. :'''Simmons''': How could you possibly know all those things? :'''Deke''': Because my mom used to tell me about her parents all the time. She always spoke about her dad with so much love and admiration on her face. Said that he was the best man she ever knew. So I know that you can help Fitz. And I know that you two are gonna be okay because... the steps you take don't need to be big... :'''Simmons''': They just need to take you in the right direction. You're our grandson? ''[Vomits]'' === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep103|Rise and Shine]]'' [5.15] === :'''Coulson''': Of all the blindfolds I've forcibly worn, that was one of the nicest. :'''General Hale''': There's a method to this madness. All of your questions will be answered in the morning. :'''Coulson''': Not my first rodeo, so I may have already figured out a little bit of what's going on here. You've got the Gravitonium and the total disregard for human safety. Check. You've got [[w: Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]] and Crusher Creel on the payroll. Check. And then there's you, rogue general, operating with zero oversight. Add it all up, it just doesn't feel like an Air Force operation. :'''Hale''': It's not. It's Hydra. :'''Coulson''': I thought we stomped you out. :'''Hale''': Yes. Just as you were stomped out. And yet here we are in the same room. I'd like to tell you my story, and I think you'll know it's time. :'''Coulson''': Time for what? :'''Hale''': It's time for S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra to finally unite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flashback]'' :'''Whitehall''': You completed your final test? ''[Young Hale shows him an empty dog collar]'' Well-done. It's a rite of passage. You must eliminate any weakness, no matter how difficult. I imagine it wasn't easy to sleep last night. :'''Young Hale''': Not with all the boys sobbing through the walls. :'''Whitehall''': Leadership expected nothing less. In fact, we're confident we see the future of Hydra in you. That's why I've selected you for my program. :'''Young Hale''': Sir, I'm honored. Um, I've dreamed of working with you, and I really think that the chamber can revolution... :'''Whitehall''': No, Von Strucker will be working on the chamber. :'''Young Hale''': I-Is this because he and I got into a fight? :'''Whitehall''': In a sense, yes. We're actually impressed by your strength, your mettle. We think that you will be essential in engineering the perfect human specimen for the chamber. :'''Young Hale''': But sir, I'm... I'm not a biologist. :'''Whitehall''': Correct, but you're the only candidate left with the other... necessary qualifications. :'''Young Hale''': You want me to be... :'''Whitehall''': Artificially inseminated. It's quite exciting, yes? You should be honored. You will give birth to our new leader. As I said, we see the future of Hydra in you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': So you want my help to arm alien warlords. You ever consider they may not hold up their end of the bargain? That maybe something called the [[w: Confederate States of America|Confederacy]] will just enslave us all? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': We had to seal the rift shut. :'''Daisy''': ''[Very angry]'' By any means, no matter how sadistic. :'''Fitz''': Okay. Well, would you have agreed to do it? :'''Daisy''': Never. :'''Fitz''': Well, then, I didn't have a choice. :'''Daisy''': ''[enraged, pushes him against the wall with her powers.]'' You didn't have a choice? You drugged me, you restrained me, and you cut into me. :'''Fitz''': I don't feel good about it, either, but in a few hours, the town up there would've been affected, as well, so, I'm sorry. I don't need your forgiveness. I just need you to trust me. :'''Daisy''': You are not leaving this room. You are Hydra. :'''Fitz''': Well, that's an advantage. I salute the same flag as those people. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, but we don't turn on our own here. :'''Fitz''': Do you want me to recount all the times that you did? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': ''[Shows Fitz a multitool]'' Do you recognize this? :'''Fitz''': Yeah. It's mine. After my injury, I got the number engraved because I couldn't remember the name. :'''Simmons''': See, that's the thing. ''[Shows him a newer but otherwise identical multitool]'' This one's yours. That other tool belongs to Deke, who got it from his grandfather. :'''Fitz''': He's my... our... grandson? :'''Simmons''': Yeah. :'''Fitz''': But... he's the worst. :'''Simmons''': I think he's perfect. Plus, his very existence proves that you and I make it to the Lighthouse... and live long enough to raise a daughter. Do you see what this means? :'''Fitz''': Yeah, I do. It means that our daughter's obviously gonna marry some belligerent space goon if she's gonna give birth to a Deke? :'''Simmons''': No, Fitz. It means you and I are invincible. === ''[[w: Inside Voices|Inside Voices]]'' [5.16] === :'''Coulson''': General Hale. I know you're bummed the whole team-up thing isn't gonna happen. But it still seems kind of petty, taking away my cot... my chair... and my [[w: Cap'n Crunch|Cap'n Crunch]]. That last one really hurt. And you're gonna destroy the Earth, so... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[Examining Deke]'' I don't see it. None of you looks like me. :'''Deke''': Well, I don't know what to tell you, Grandpappy. I guess your daughter found a real man. :'''Fitz''': Of all people. Why couldn't it be Flint? I liked Flint. :'''Deke''': Well, that's a lovely sentiment. That's almost as loving as when you had a robot... point a gun to my head. :'''Fitz''': I didn't want to hurt anybody. :'''Deke''': It's fine. It's the first move you made that actually made me respect you a little bit. It's my kind of move. And this place, 80 years from now, I'd survived on moves like that. 'Cause it was kill or be killed. I know Johnson's still mad at me about the whole "selling her into slavery" thing, but you got to play the long game, or else the whole world is gonna be a vacancy, right? :'''Fitz''': Maybe. :'''Deke''': And you say you don't see the resemblance? Okay. Well, quality time was fun, but I'm late. I don't know if you noticed, but... ever since she's been in charge, Daisy's kind of a hard-ass. :'''Fitz''': ''[Gestures toward his cell]'' I noticed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': I've realized we have to think differently. Fitz started to, and he's paying for it. But you can't deny it worked. And you. Mack said you believe you can't die. :'''Yo-Yo''': I know it sounds crazy, Jemma... :'''Simmons''': I don't think it's crazy. I believe it's true. :'''Yo-Yo''': I'm glad someone understands. :'''Simmons''': I don't just mean you. :'''Yo-Yo''': You guys didn't see yourselves in the future. :'''Simmons''': No. Deke is our proof. His mother... was our daughter. :'''Yo-Yo''': Deke... :'''Simmons''': Is our grandson. :'''Yo-Yo''': ''[To Fitz]'' Wow. I'm sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': ''[[To Carl Creel]'' You can tell the General there's nothing you can do to make me join her [[w: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog|evil league of evil]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Polly Hinton''': Can I ask you something? I don't understand everything that's happened here today, but Robin clearly has a connection with you. :'''May''': I, uh... don't know if I can explain it. I don't fully understand it myself. :'''Polly''': You don't have to. I've seen the drawings. I know that I'm not in them. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep105|The Honeymoon]]'' [5.17] === :''[They see a sign warning of radiation danger outside the suspected Hydra facility]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': Radiation poisoning would be a horrible way to find out we can still die. Should we turn back? :'''Simmons''': No need. ''[referring to some flowers growing nearby] Primula vulgaris''... primrose. I used to pick these as a girl. I mean, it's a hardy species, but even it couldn't survive in irradiated soil. :'''Fitz''': ''[Using a Geiger counter]'' You'll find more radiation in a dentist's office. :'''Simmons''': Talbot probably just posted these signs to keep out interlopers. :'''Yo-Yo''': They won't scare off Hydra. Let me. ''[She breaks the lock on the gate with her mechanical arms.]'' :'''Fitz''': Well, looks like getting your arms chopped off isn't all bad. The... Well... Yeah... It is... obviously, it's bad. It's really bad getting your arms chopped off, but maybe there is a silver lining... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talbot''': ''[Referring to Deke]'' So, this kid's from the future? :'''Coulson''': Yeah. And in that future, Earth is gone, and the last of humanity is enslaved by alien overlords. :'''Talbot''': Alien... over... I should've stayed in my cell. You're telling me that we got our asses handed to us by little green men. :'''Coulson''': They were big and blue. But they didn't crack the world apart. They said it was Daisy. :'''Talbot''': And you're still sending her on missions? :'''Coulson''': I need her leading missions. I got an old injury acting up. Not sure what my timetable is, exactly. :'''Talbot''': Oh, for the love of flapjacks. Do you ever have any good news? :'''Coulson''': There's a young Inhuman who's seen a better future. We're working toward that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': All Daisy could think about was getting you back. She's not ready for your job, Phil. :'''Coulson''': She has to be. My time is running out. :'''May''': Because you're being irresponsible. You said you weren't in a hurry to die, but you're not acting like it. :'''Coulson''': So this isn't so much about my stupidity as it is about me dying. :'''May''': Seems like one thing led to the other. :'''Coulson''': You realize this isn't easy for me, but I've accepted it. :'''May''': Which is the problem. :'''Coulson''': Maybe I'm reckless. But if this is the end, better to go out doing something that matters. :'''May''': No. You don't get to make that decision alone. That decision is made with the people who love you. :'''Coulson''': May... :'''May''': And that's me. I love you. ''[Coulson is speechless]'' I thought that would shut you up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': ''[To Yo-Yo]'' We have a rule. :'''Simmons''': We never leave each other's side anymore. :'''Fitz''': ''[To Simmons]'' I'm sorry you never got the honeymoon you dreamed of. :'''Simmons''': Nonsense. I'm protecting England from evil robots with the man I love. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': ''[Under the influence of painkilling medication]'' Is Daisy here? She's so pretty. :'''Mack''': What now? :'''Deke''': I want to put my mouth on her mouth and move it around a lot. But I don't want to do that unless she wants to, too, 'cause that's what makes it nice. But I don't think she wants that, 'cause she does not like me one bit. :'''Piper''': I mean, she's... she's not my type, but I... I get it. :'''Mack''': Okay, Spaceman, maybe we should... :'''Deke''': Ma-a-a-a-ck! Dude! You are so cool. Do we know any handshakes? :'''Mack''': Uh, I appreciate that, but... :'''Deke''': Should I shave my head? :'''Piper''': Yeah, no, I see no flaws in that plan. :'''Deke''': Maybe then Daisy would like me, because she... she protected me. She's very smart. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep106|All Roads Lead...]]'' [5.18] === :'''Ruby Hale''': ''[To FitzSimmons]'' Aww. You two are adorable. I ship it. I really do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': You're late. :'''Coulson''': Hold up. Please. We didn't have a chance to finish our conversation. :'''May''': I said what I had to say. :'''Coulson''': Melinda... :'''May''': We have a mission, Phil. :'''Coulson''': ''[To himself]'' Good talk, Phil. Good talk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Just for grins, say I were interested... in someone... anyone. How would I... Like, you got a good thing going. :'''Mack''': Don't look at me. Last time I saw Yo-Yo, she lied to me, locked me up, and ran off. :'''Deke''': Coulson? :'''Coulson''': Sorry, bro. Apparently, I'm incapable of expressing my feelings or letting people take care of me. :'''Deke''': You guys are useless. It's lemons, then. :'''Coulson''': Come again? :'''Deke''': Well, in my day, when you wanted to tell someone how you felt, you'd just save up your tokens, you'd buy a lemon, you leave it on their bunk. That's... That's a thing here, right? :'''Coulson''': 100%. :'''Mack''': Oh, yeah, absolutely. :'''Coulson''': When in doubt, get a bunch of lemons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ruby''': ''[To Daisy]'' You know, for a long time, you were everything that I wanted. You were my hero. And now look at us. :'''Hale''': Ruby, let her go. :'''Ruby''': I am more than you will ever be. :'''Daisy''': Ruby, I am not here to fight you. You need help. :'''Ruby''': I don't want your help! I want to crush you. :'''Hale''': Ruby, that's enough! That's enough! You listen to her. She is on your side. :'''Ruby''': Then why aren't you?! Mom, face it, I was never good enough for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hale''': I found what you're looking for. :'''Qovas''': My Gravitonium. :'''Hale''': S.H.I.E.L.D. has it. :'''Qovas''': Then you failed. Perhaps our deal has reached its end. :'''Hale''': I can tell you where they're hiding. But they won't give it willingly. :'''Qovas''': You'd have me kill them? :'''Hale''': I have no reason to stop you. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep107|Option Two]]'' [5.19] === :''[An alien spaceship appears over the Lighthouse.]'' :'''General [[w: Rick Stoner|Rick Stoner]]''': Please go to the main computer terminal and choose from the following options. If the Lighthouse is experiencing an extreme-weather event, press 1. :'''Agent Kim''': Agent Coulson, I can't silence the alarms. :'''Stoner''': If you're experiencing a nuclear attack, press 2. :'''Coulson''': Screw it. ''[Presses 2]'' :'''Stoner''': For an alien invasion, press 3. You have selected nuclear attack. For your own health, safety, and radiation protection, all outer doors will remain sealed for 15 years. :'''May''': Did he just say 15 years? :'''Coulson''': How was I supposed to know there would be an "alien invasion" option? :'''May''': You always listen to the whole menu. Always! :'''Coulson''': ''[Over the intercom]'' You may be noticing that the Lighthouse is going into lockdown mode. This is not a drill. The Lighthouse is keeping us safe. All exits, including the hangar, have been sealed to protect us from any outside intrusion. Which is good, 'cause there is currently a sizeable alien spaceship overhead. Oh, and due to a technical malfunction, the Lighthouse thinks we're under nuclear attack, so we may be trapped inside for 15 years... ish. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Qovas appears on the viewscreen.]'' :'''Coulson''': I remember you, too. The lighting wasn't great, but the whole vision thing was hard to forget. Did General Hale send you? :'''Qovas''': You will be dealing with me now. I'm here for what was promised, the Gravitonium. :'''Coulson''': Yeah, that's gonna be a hard pass. Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but this bunker, it's apocalypse-proof. It can withstand a nuclear blast. We have years of food, water, and air. :'''Kim''': ''[Whispers to May]'' Is that true? :'''May''': ''[Whispers back]'' Not good food. :'''Coulson''': And pretty soon, the world's gonna realize there's this giant ship in its atmosphere, and I'm thinking, in the current political climate, won't be long before you're blown out of the sky. ''[To May]'' Too much? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': In the future, we swore... We swore we wouldn't lose ourselves. :'''Yo-Yo''': I know. :'''Mack''': Or lose each other. :'''Yo-Yo''': I know. I love you. I'm doing this for you, but you need to believe me. You need to trust that I know what I'm doing. Please, Mack. You know me. You know I may run away, but I always come back to where I started. :'''Mack''': I know. I just don't know if I'll be here when you do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Look, I can't tell you if what you did ''[killing Ruby]'' was right or wrong. That's up to you to decide. But it doesn't just change you. It changes how people see you. And the only thing you can do is make peace with it. :'''Yo-Yo''': I'm trying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': I could've warned myself about a lot of things: Ruby, Hale, these aliens; but instead, she told me... Instead, she told me, "Coulson is dying, and we need to let him." I'm sorry, sir. I hated keeping this. I owe you so much. You're my family. :'''May''': No, you're wrong. Robin said Coulson puts the pieces back together. And you're saying that we should've just left him to freeze to death in the middle of nowhere. :'''Yo-Yo''': I have to listen, May. She was me. She's lived through this, through the loop, who knows how many times. :'''May''': Exactly. You don't know. We haven't lost yet, and as far as we know, they can't get in here, and until they do you better believe we're gonna do everything possible to keep him alive. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep108|The One Who Will Save Us All]]'' [5.20] === :'''Captive Marauder''': The Confederacy has stood more than 1,000 years. They will seek vengeance, making slaves of you all. :'''Simmons''': Really wish we could happen upon some non-slave-trading aliens. :'''May''': Any idea why this one is more rabid than the rest? :'''Mack''': It probably has something to do with this. ''[Holds a bottle of Odium]'' I'm pretty sure this is the same stuff Kasius took. :'''Simmons''': Must give them some sort of energy boost. :'''Captive Marauder''': You are not worthy of holding the Odium. :'''May''': 'Course it would have a dumb name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': What was Hydra's arrangement with the Confederacy? :'''Hale''': To protect the Earth from being attacked. :'''Talbot''': In exchange for what? :'''Hale''': Resources. Inhumans and Gravitonium above all. :'''Coulson''': Why Gravitonium? :'''Qovas''': Because its power is unlimited. It can bend space, build empires, and destroy them. :'''Coulson''': Couldn't you just find a fun game on your phone instead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': I've been better. It's like the universe keeps reminding me that I should never have come back from the future. Also, some creep put a bunch of lemons on my bed as some weird sort of prank. :'''Deke''': Sounds like classic Fitz. Look, I, um I feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be. I, on the other hand, I, I lived in the Lighthouse my entire life, only to time travel into the past and still spend every single day of my life inside the freaking Lighthouse. So it's like, even without Kasius around, this place just has this leash that keeps pulling me back in. :'''Daisy''': Well, I'm glad you stuck around, even if it's a little crazy. :'''Deke''': W-Well, maybe it's not that crazy. I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something since we've gotten, you know, I don't want to say closer, but... :'''Daisy''': You really don't. Everyone who gets close to me ends up dying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': We were trying to get ahead of the problem. :'''Mack''': By having Yo-Yo execute a kid? :'''Fitz''': Things got messy, but, I mean, it was the only way that Y-Yo... :'''Mack''': When does killing become the only way? We're S.H.I.E.L.D. Aren't we supposed to be better than that? None of this would've happened if you would've just said this invincible nonsense wasn't real. But instead you and Simmons lit the match, and now Yo-Yo's responsible for a girl's death. :'''Fitz''': I'm sorry, Mack. I really am. But it's not that simple. :'''Mack''': Simple is how you live a good life. Not with your theories or prophecies. It's following the Good Word and doing the right thing every time, simple as that. :'''Fitz''': No. Not always, 'cause there are lots of instances in history where, where it was necessary to sacrifice the few in order to save the lives of many. :'''Mack''': 'Course you'd say that. :'''Fitz''': Ruby was dangerous and it got complicated and that is just the way it was. So I'm sorry if that doesn't fit whatever narrative that you've built for yourself. :'''Mack''': You need to look inside yourself and figure out what kind of man you want to be. 'Cause lately, what you've been, it needs fixing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': If I'm the one you want, fine, I won't resist, but first you have to put Coulson down. :'''Talbot''': You and I both know you can't be trusted. :'''Hale''': I trust her. :'''Talbot''': Why would you trust Quake? :'''Hale''': Because she kept her word. When Ruby was infected with Gravitonium, she tried to help. :'''Talbot''': Infected? Ruby was weak. Gravitonium wasn't intended for some itty-bitty little girl. It was meant for a hero strong enough to handle it. :'''Hale''': You need to take a deep breath and calm your mind, Glenn. You know what's best. It's best if you comply. :'''Talbot''': Compliance will be rewarded. :'''Hale''': That's right. :'''Talbot''': And so will your betrayal. ''[Kills Hale]'' === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep109|The Force of Gravity]]'' [5.21] === :'''Qovas''': And how do you plan to stop me? With Earth weapons? The tools of cowards. We Remorath earn our kills. That is how we earn our rank. With humans, it's not about earned power. It's about the gun. It allows the weak to pretend to be strong. :'''May''': I don't need a gun to stop you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Look, I hate it, too, but I've seen a man go rotten overnight. He might be lost. You don't have to feel like you're responsible. :'''Coulson''': Of course I do. After all our ups and downs, Talbot got shot in the head, and he waited for us to rescue him from Hale. :'''May''': We were a little busy. :'''Coulson''': Yes, but even after we didn't come, even after Hydra messed with his brain, he still put himself in that machine. He did that for us. :'''May''': We didn't ask him to. :'''Coulson''': We didn't have to. What? :'''May''': The first time we met him. :'''Coulson''': When he told us about the peacekeeping force he was sending to the Hub? :'''May''': I mean, imagine back then if someone had told us that someday we'd be worried about Glenn Talbot. :'''Coulson''': I know. But things evolve. They change. People change. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coulson''': That's the same writing that was in the Lighthouse in the future. What's it say, Deke? :'''Deke''': How would I know? :'''Coulson''': Because you lived there. :'''Deke''': Well, they don't teach you the language. I can count to five. :'''Coulson''': You lived there for decades, and you know five numbers? :'''Deke''': I also know zero, so, no, I know six numbers. :'''May''': I'm amazed you were able to survive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': I'll take care of it. Go home, Phil, now. :'''Coulson''': Are you giving me an order? 'Cause that sounded like you were giving me an... :'''May''': Yes, I'm giving you an order! You're just gonna slow me down, so zip it and get to the... ''[Coulson kisses her]'' :'''Coulson''': Thought that might shut you up. Now go. :'''Daisy''': Uh... :'''Coulson''': Not a word, Agent Johnson. That's an order. :'''Daisy''': Copy that, Hot Lips. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Qovas''': You have just sealed the fate of everyone in your base. And now you will die. ''[Launches missiles]'' :'''May''': Well, one little thing. We changed the target. Told ya I didn't need a gun to stop you. :'''Qovas''': ''[Sees the missiles headed toward his ship]'' How? :'''Deke''': I know zero. === ''[[w: Agents_of_S.H.I.E.L.D._(season_5)#ep110|The End]]'' [5.22] === :'''Yo-Yo''': Stop making me the bad guy. I'm not. You just don't want him to die. :'''Daisy''': Put it down. :'''Yo-Yo''': I don't want him to die, either, but he's just one man. :'''Mack''': No, no! None of that. Think about what you're doing here. :'''Yo-Yo''': You won't listen. I'm in a nightmare, and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and none of you can hear me! :'''Simmons''': We hear you. :'''Yo-Yo''': Well, you won't listen! You all saw what happened, and none of you will help me stop this! I'm alone, and even you, even you won't help me. :'''Mack''': No, you're not alone. We're in this with you, but we need to hold it together. :'''Yo-Yo''': There's nothing holding us together. :'''Mack''': Yes, there is! Hope. We never give up. We're always held together by hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': I'm glad you're taking point here at the Lighthouse. Who better than you to decide what the next generation will look like. Get to show them the ins and outs of this place. :'''Deke''': Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna be around for all that. I'll call the mayor and give the tour, but when you get back, I-I think I'll be out of here. :'''Daisy''': Why? :'''Deke''': This is my room. I'm like a squirrel, hoarding anything I can find. Also, side note, found a nature book. Learned about squirrels. :'''Daisy''': Old habits die hard. :'''Deke''': It's more like I'm a damaged person. From a damaged world. If there's even a chance that could happen again... :'''Daisy''': You'd want to see the world before it does. :'''Deke''': I mean, besides, according to Fitz, if the world doesn't crack open and you break the time loop, I'll just blink out of existence anyway, so it's just one more vacancy, right? Come on. I never totally fit in with the gang, anyway. :'''Daisy''': Is that what we are? :'''Deke''': You know, when I first met you guys, I'd never seen anything like that. I'd seen people kill for each other without hesitation all the time, but I'd never seen a group that was willing to die for each other. Your trust, it just seemed too strong to break. And you trying to fix Coulson, that's great. I love the guy, but if you really want to lead one day, then you got to fix that. Just my two cents. I also read a book on idiomatic expressions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': I'm not going to detail what we risked to get this ''[Centipede serum]''. :'''Coulson''': I'm aware. And I'm not happy I was left out of that decision. :'''May''': You wouldn't wake up. But now the decision is yours. You're too weak to stand? Well, we'd like to see you walk out of this room and rejoin the fight. But it's up to you if you think more time is worth it. I've made it clear how I feel. :'''Coulson''': I think I have, too. :'''May''': But even now the word scares you. :'''Coulson''': I'm just having a hard enough time leaving you behind. :'''May''': So don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Yeah. I'm aware that we rolled the dice with Coulson, and I still believe that we need him for this, but I will admit that I let my emotions get the best of me. I thought that Coulson was the only one who could keep us all on the same page. You would say that's proof that I can't do the job, that I shouldn't lead. Well, I agree. The truth is, I can't hold the team together. But he can. Coulson wants me to call the shots in his absence. Well, that's my decision. Mack should call the shots. He has the biggest heart. I mean, physically, but also, you know... You are our moral center. And, look, I never want to stop being a soldier. He's a general we can all rally behind. Anyone who thinks I'm 100% right about this, raise your hand? ''[Everyone raises their hands.]'' :'''Coulson''': ''[Enters the room]'' Couldn't have said it better myself. :'''Simmons''': Oh, thank god. :'''Fitz''': Sir, good to see you. :'''Coulson''': Hold the applause. She didn't go through that for nothing. Time to suit up. So what do we do? :'''Mack''': We save lives. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Remember how good it felt to walk in here when we first got back? The ''Zephyr'' has been the one place we've been able to call home these last few years. :'''Daisy''': I'll always miss the ''Bus''. :'''May''': Me, too. :'''Yo-Yo''': I wish I would've known you guys back then. :'''Simmons''': We were different people back then. :'''Coulson''': I spent a lot of years, Sorry. I've lived a life surrounded by heroes. None bigger than all of you. Since the day you joined, same as anyone in the line of duty. Heroes, because you, because we sign up to lose each other. To get close to good people and have them taken away. We've all suffered losses. Never lose sight of that. :'''Daisy''': I never forget those we've lost. :'''May''': That's right. :'''Mack''': Yeah. That's why we're putting that badge up in the cockpit. To never forget. :'''Coulson''': You don't have to forget. But you have to move on. :'''Simmons''': No. With respect, sir, you're wrong. We don't move on. We hold that place in our heart, we close it off, we lock the door, we visit from time to time, but we don't move on. Even after we say goodbye. == Season 6 == === ''[[w:Missing Pieces (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Missing Pieces]]'' [6.01] === :'''Yo-Yo''': I don't even know what to call them. :'''Fox''': "Anomalies"? :'''Mack''': No. :'''May''': We used that word up last year. :'''Mack''': And this is different. :'''Yo-Yo''': Those were hallucinations coming to life. :'''Mack''': And this is reality distorting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mack is watching a hologram of Coulson]'' :'''Coulson''': Take it one step at a time. It's not your job to solve every problem. Your job is to put together a team you trust and then to tell them to take it one step at a time. That's all you can do. If you think about everything you're up against all at once, you'll crack. Fury always said, a man can accomplish anything once he realizes he's a part of something bigger. :'''May''': Still watching those? :'''Mack''': I'm hesitant to stop. :'''May''': He'd be proud. The job suits you. The agents out there know it. :'''Mack''': Yeah, well, I'll never be the Director Coulson was. :'''May''': No, you're a different Director. That's not a bad thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torturing a D'Rillian caretaker]'' :'''Simmons''': Your planet has 68% of the gravity we generate on this aircraft. While that makes it easier to lift ore out of the ground, it makes your cells gelatinous, your bones porous. Now, I'm no expert in D'Rillian anatomy—when I cut into your corpse, I will be—but I assume enough time under this pressure and either your brain will hemorrhage or the weight of your organs will collapse your lungs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': It's time to head home. Yeah, head home and regroup. :'''Piper''': Thank God. I mean, one more week with Davis and we will find a dead body, his. :'''Davis''': Yes, because one more week with you and I will definitely kill myself. :'''Daisy''': You guys never wavered. You stayed on when the rest of the crew got off. Thank you. I know this is a lot more than what you guys bargained for, and I think we will all benefit from getting back to, uh, familiar territory. To loved ones. We need them. And they may need us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hiding from a Confederacy warship]'' :'''Davis''': Looks like we've been spotted. :'''Piper''': No. I don't think so. :'''Davis''': Well, you've always been dumb as a bag of bricks. :'''Piper''': I'll put money on it. :'''Davis''': Of course you will, because if I win, we'll be dead and you won't have to pay me. :'''Piper''': Look at you finally catching on. === ''[[w:Window of Opportunity (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Window of Opportunity]]'' [6.02] === :'''May''': Where are you on this doppelganger? :'''Marcus Benson''': Oh, I have several viable hypotheses. That's what scientists say when they don't know squat. Odds are, it's related to one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s previous mistakes, which I'm working my way through a very long list um, fear manifestations, nano-masks, Inhumans. Though I'm thinking I should revisit the file on those Life Model Decoys, which really shouldn't be a thing, by the way. :'''Mack''': No argument here. :'''May''': Could this guy be an LMD? :'''Benson''': Well, if there's already been one of Phil Coulson, it seems like a possible explanation. But I would need to talk to the idiot who designed them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': You forgot to mention the fact that your former boss had died and come back to life before. :'''Mack''': That's not what this is. :'''Benson''': Are you sure? This LMD theory's not panning out. LMDs don't have DNA. :'''Yo-Yo''': We didn't bring him back to life trust me. That was a hot topic. :'''Benson''': Well, maybe he never died in the first place. You love secrets, Melinda. Anything you want to share? :'''Mack''': Hey, take it easy. :'''May''': I was there until the very end. He's gone. You have no right to question that. Find me a way to kill that thing out there pretending to be him. And if that's too hard, you know your way back to the bar. :'''Benson''': That sounds nice right about now. And good luck sorting out this evidence alone. :'''Mack''': Okay, that's enough. Now, is this the DNA you're talking about? :'''Benson''': Yeah. This is a sample from the convenience store. At first, I thought it was alien radiation markers I've never seen, foreign methyl groups. Strip that all away, and what you have left is a 100-percent match for Phillip J. Coulson. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Commenting on a necklace in a jewelry store]'' :'''Sarge''': A little plain, don't you think? What about the pieces you save for your most loyal customers? The ones you don't keep in these cases? Price is not an issue here. :'''Dana''': I could pull some items from our vault for you. :'''Sarge''': The vault. That sounds impressive. I know. Right now, you're sizing me up, wondering how much paper money a guy like me has to spend. Could be a big sale. Your heart rate goes up a little. Can you feel it? :'''Dana''': We always do our best to meet our customers' needs. :'''Sarge''': Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be leaving satisfied. Worry about you, your heart rate, because it's about to go nuts when we rob this place. People fantasize about doing something heroic in times like these, but I'd save your own skin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaco''': That word, "Coulson." What does that mean? :'''Sarge''': I don't know. But it rings a bell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': It will be challenging to conceal that we have murdered the Controller. The crew will be labeled mutineers, a death sentence in this section of space. :'''Fitz''': So we'd need to sneak off the ship. :'''Enoch''': It is possible you and I could escape by submerging ourselves in the Xandarian snail tanks before they're unloaded. But the other crew members... :'''Fitz''': Firstly, no. But more importantly, we did this to keep them alive, so where do we take them? :'''Enoch''': They could easily find employment on the planet of Kitson. We should have just enough fuel to reach it if we change course now. But what about your plan to go back into cryo-sleep and join Jemma Simmons in the future? :'''Fitz''': I've got time. === ''[[w:Fear and Loathing on the Planet of Kitson|Fear and Loathing on the Planet of Kitson]]'' [6.03] === :'''Pretorious Pryce''': The planet of Kitson is a nasty place, absent any basic scrap of decency. :'''Piper''': Someone just described Florida. :'''Pryce''': Most are ashamed to utter the word "Kitson" as it sounds like the braying of an animal in heat. There's even a well-known saying, "What happens on the planet of Kitson..." :'''Daisy''': "...stays on Kitson?" :'''Pryce''': No. "...is contagious and burns." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': I have disappointed you, and we may be, as they say, down on our luck, but there are other ways to earn money. :'''Fitz''': How? :'''Enoch''': The brothels of Kitson. We are both healthy and not unattractive specimens, and I am well-versed in over 130... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Under the influence of hallucinogens]'' :'''Daisy''': Do you remember when we first met? :'''Simmons''': Yeah. You lived in a van. :'''Daisy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Simmons''': And it really smelled. :'''Daisy''': No, it didn't. :'''Simmons''': Yeah. We called it the Fartmobile. You had, You had big hair. :'''Daisy''': You had big nerd face. What house are you in, hm? [[w:Gryffindor|Gryffindor]]? :'''Simmons''': Uh, [[w:Ravenclaw|Ravenclaw]]. Girl, please. :'''Daisy''': Do you know any spells? :'''Simmons''': ''[Waves a straw]'' [[w:Patronus charm|Expecto Patronum]]! ''[Hallucinates a miniature Fitz in a monkey costume balancing on the straw]'' Hello, little monkey Fitz. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Under a table, still under the influence of hallucinogens]'' :'''Simmons''': Hey, I think my parents are mice. :'''Daisy''': That makes sense. :'''Simmons''': I'm sorry for dragging you across the universe. :'''Daisy''': Oh, no, don't be. It's good. It's only made us closer. :'''Simmons''': I just miss Fitz so much. :'''Daisy''': Aw, yeah. I'm sorry. I wish I had my own Fitz. Well, not Fitz, but, you know... :'''Simmons''': No, I know. You've had just awful luck in that department. It's so sad. But you are so strong now and so confident. I'm so proud of you. :'''Daisy''': Really? It means so much coming from you. :'''Simmons''': You just mean so much. You're my best friend. :'''Daisy''': I love you, too. :'''Simmons''': Your skin is so soft. :''[Later, after emerging from under the table]'' :'''Simmons''': P-Pardon me, sir, but I have reason to believe that my husband, sorry, uh, my future husband is behind that door. :'''Dealer''': And what reason is that? :'''Simmons''': Uh, the the the dolphin told me in a secret signal only I can hear that was meant just for me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Enoch has been decommissioned]'' :'''Enoch''': Why do I exist? I am nothing. I'm a speck of dust in the infinite... :'''Fitz''': Okay, Enoch... :'''Enoch''': An afterthought in the worm-ridden mind of the black void. :'''Fitz''': Okay. I'm gonna need you to spark up. So you take a break from being infinite nothing and do that for me? :'''Enoch''': Why would I do anything when there is no purpose? We will all soon be dust and rust. :'''Fitz''': 'Cause you're my best friend. Remember? That's your purpose. :'''Enoch''': You're bluffing. :'''Fitz''': No. I'm not. I can't believe I'm saying this, because you are... :'''Enoch''': ...Chronicom. Decommissioned. :'''Fitz''': Gonna say a massive pain in the ass, but you've grown on me. So, yeah. You are my best friend. :'''Enoch''': For you, my best friend, I would do anything. === ''[[w:Code Yellow (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Code Yellow]]'' [6.04] === :'''Yo-Yo''': So, you and Mack, in his office. :'''Keller''': Yeah. :'''Yo-Yo''': You told him. I wish you would have talked to me about it. :'''Keller''': If it makes you feel better, he didn't exactly let me finish. :'''Yo-Yo''': He doesn't want to know so he doesn't have to put us on different missions. :'''Keller''': I'm sure that's part of it, but... It's just, I also got the sense that he isn't over you. :'''Yo-Yo''': Why would you tell me that? :'''Keller''': You should know how he feels before or if we... You should know. But to be clear, I'm in. I will fight for you if I have to. Not fight-fight—Mack terrifies me—but more emotionally fight. :'''Yo-Yo''': Ugh. Always acting so noble. :'''Keller''': I think you like that act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Wait, you were S.H.I.E.L.D. this entire time? :'''Trevor Khan''': Did you really think we were gonna let you rip off all our tech? :'''Deke''': Even at the Phish concert? Wait, wait, uh, what about when we went to the escape room and you froze up? Was that all just an act? I bet that you could've solved that word cypher and we could've gotten out of there in record time, but, no, you just had to... :'''Khan''': We got to move. :'''Deke''': Hey, just-just... Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Just-just please tell me one thing, okay? Just tell me you weren't letting me win in "Remorath Rumble". :'''Khan''': Okay. I won't tell you that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Keller''': It's, uh probably too fast, but how would you feel about bringing an alien bird into our relationship? ''[Off Yo-Yo's look]'' So that's a no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': There are people out there that are after me, okay, and I don't know why. I think it's because I'm not supposed to be here. Like, I'm not supposed to exist in this reality. Do you remember I explained this to you on the Playa? :'''Sequoia''': Once again, this is all about you. :'''Deke''': No, just this... But this time it is about me. It... Look, if there's one thing I know how to do, it's run away and survive, so you're gonna follow me, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Snowflake''': I think you might be the prettiest butterfly I've ever made. === ''[[w:The Other Thing|The Other Thing]]'' [6.05] === :'''Enoch''': There is no hope, only loss. Decommissioned. Hunted. I have become a cautionary tale used to steer children away from a life of crime and excess. :'''Davis''': Would it be rude to turn him off? His constant complaining is giving me a headache. :'''Piper''': Yeah, well, you are the Puff-Head who got high and shot up our super-threatening fuse box, so... :'''Davis''': Never mind. Sorry I was wrong. The source of the headache is Piper. Definitely Piper. :'''Enoch''': Poor Fitz. Though now I walk alone, I will never forget my one and only friend. :'''Simmons''': Your only friend? But you have us. :'''Enoch''': When last we met, I forcibly abducted your team and sent you all into a dystopian future. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, maybe not the best start, but in the end, you really came through. :'''Enoch''': I did? :'''Simmons''': In the future, you sacrificed yourself for us. Without you, we never would have been able to get home and save Earth from destruction. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': Fitz has been a most loyal companion. He and I have had many adventures together. :'''Atarah''': I am trying to save our entire race, and you are concerned about the welfare of one human. Why? :'''Enoch''': Because we have recently become best friends. :'''Atarah''': It seems Earth has made you soft. :'''Enoch''': I do not disagree that I have changed, but I believe it is for the better. One must change to grow. :'''Atarah''': I hardly recognize you anymore. The Enoch I invited into my charging pod was reckless but not a traitor. :'''Enoch''': I cannot believe I ever granted you access to my data port. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch''': I have not seen this future myself, but there is only one logical conclusion. If anyone can solve the mysteries of time travel, it is Leopold Fitz. :'''Atarah''': This is true? :'''Simmons''': It's possible. Likely, even, but he hasn't done it yet, and the chances of him re-creating it are next to zero. :'''Atarah''': Explain. :'''Simmons''': If he did this, he'd have his whole life to figure it out and the end of the world as motivation. :'''Atarah''': You claim he is your best friend, but we are the last of our kind. You have knowledge that could aid us. What would motivate him to do what we need? :'''Enoch''': ''[Points at Simmons]'' Her. Put Jemma Simmons in danger, and Fitz can solve anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': I've made hard choices before. Being right doesn't stop it from feeling wrong. :'''Benson''': I know what you mean. Two years back, I got a call. Car crash. :'''Yo-Yo''': Your husband? :'''Benson''': Brain-dead, machines breathing for him. Tom didn't want that. His family fought me on it, but after a few days, I had them turn off the ventilator. They never will forgive me. It's the hardest choice I've ever made, but I took comfort in knowing it was the right one. And so should you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Enoch was right. Fitz can't solve time travel without me, but not as a hostage, as his partner. Fitz and I, we're a team. Let the others leave, and I'll go with you. :'''Daisy''': No. No, no. Don't do this. We will find another way. :'''Simmons''': But there isn't one. We're impossibly outnumbered. We're unarmed. Even if we make it to the Zephyr, there's a fleet of ships waiting to blast us into oblivion. This is the end of the road. You followed me for a year across the galaxy. I never would have made it here without you, but I won't keep putting you in danger. Thank you. Now go home. :'''Daisy''': No. Simmons, I, I can't leave you. :'''Simmons''': You have to. Whatever happens, at least I'll be with Fitz. We'll have each other. === ''[[w:Inescapable (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Inescapable]]'' [6.06] === :''[Simmons has reverted to her seven-year-old self and fled to her childhood bedroom]'' :'''Fitz''': ''[Observing the posters on the wall]'' Well, you're just destined for the sciences, aren't you? :'''Child Simmons''': I'm going to be a biologist and study cuttlefish. They can change their skin colors with chromatophores. :'''Fitz''': You're gonna do a lot more than that. Do you know who I am? ''[She nods]'' Well, then, you know that I'm a friend, so why did you run away? Why did you come here? :'''Child Simmons''': This is where I learn the stars, memorize my chem tables, and work out problems in my head. :'''Fitz''': What kind of problems in your head? :'''Child Simmons''': All kinds. My dreams float up to the stars, and my troubles are locked up tight in the music box. :'''Fitz''': Well, that's a nice little system. Is there anything troubling you now? :'''Child Simmons''': ''[Holds a book]'' This one! Read me this one. :'''Fitz''': Okay. You want me to read you a bedtime story? You know, I-I think I should probably take you out of here, because this might be the madness that she ''[Atarah]'' was talking... :'''Child Simmons''': ''[Screams]'' Daddy! The strange man in my room wants to abduct me and take me... :'''Fitz''': Shh-shh Shut your Shhhhhh. I'll read you the story. For the love of Pete... :'''Child Simmons''': It's about a boy and his imaginary friend that are lost in the stars. :'''Fitz''': Is it, now? What's it called? ''[Sees that it is the'' Darkhold'']'' That's not a good book. That's a bad book, bad story, very poorly written. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons is still her seven-year-old self. Fitz has figured out that they are in a mind prison.]'' :'''Fitz''': You are being, without a doubt, the supreme, absolute worst! :'''Child Simmons''': You are a butt face! :'''Fitz''': Oh, that's charming. What is that? What are you hiding? Give it! :'''Child Simmons''': No! It's our escape plan. :'''Fitz''': Give it now! What is it? :'''Child Simmons''': [[w: Mononitrotoluene|Mononitrotoluene]]. :'''Fitz''': MNT? As in a precursor to [[w:TNT|TNT]]? This is a representational space. There's nothing to blow a hole in here, except the side of your brain. You're better off cooking up some cocaine or unicorn tears. :'''Child Simmons''': I don't have a memory of either of those things to pull from. My supplies were limited. :'''Fitz''': How are you with spectral theory or eigenvalues? :'''Child Simmons''': I'm still learning integrals. :'''Fitz''': Oh, are you? Well, it looks like someone's only gonna have two PhDs by the time they're 17, doesn't it? :'''Child Simmons''': Time travel is science fiction, stupid! :'''Fitz''': Oh, grow up! You're the one that said it was possible, you little... Mm. Grow up. Just literally grow up. This is an adult problem. You and I are supposed to be unstoppable. Well, if you won't help me, I could turn to somebody else, couldn't I? I could imagine anything I want in this room. I could boot up an LMD. Maybe AIDA. She could really handle the computations... :'''Simmons''': ''[Back to being an adult]'' Don't you dare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meeting Coulson for the first time]'' :'''Coulson''': The powers that be have also recommended... :'''Fitz''': I told you. We're getting transferred to one of the poles. :'''Simmons''': Shut up. :'''Coulson''': ...have also recommended you for my team. :'''Fitz''': The f-field team? :'''Simmons''': This is an honor. Thank you for this opportunity. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, we would love the chance to discuss it and think about it more, I think, probably, alone. :'''Coulson''': Of course. Look. I know the field isn't for everyone. Some people want to remain behind the scenes. I get it. But to be out there, seeing the lives you're changing, you end up being the one most changed by it. :'''Simmons''': I found him so inspiring that day. You still needed a push. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, well, look at what happened because of it. What was that thing you kept on saying? Um, Oh, yes, that's it. "Chin up, Fitz. There's nothing to be afraid of." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arguing]'' :'''Fitz''': You know, you hurt me just as much as I hurt you. I was dying on the inside when you left, abandoned me after my brain injury. :'''Simmons''': Hey, that is not fair. :'''Fitz''': And then you get taken away by some rock, only to fall in love with some bloody astronaut... :'''Simmons''': I was alone on a desert planet. :'''Fitz''': ...who turned out to be Hive, by the way. Oh, and also, are we sure that that happened after you slept with him? :'''Simmons''': Oh, my God. :'''Fitz''': Because, hey, the jury's still out on that one. :'''Simmons''': Oh, you want to go there? At least he was a person! You built a robot girlfriend... :'''Fitz''': Well, that's bending the truth. :'''Simmons''': ...and, left to your own devices, turned into a Nazi dictator. Wait, is that is that bending the truth? No! No, it's not! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Preparing to face the manifestations of their dark sides]'' :'''Fitz''': We're gonna have to face those things out there. And we might actually die trying. :'''Simmons''': Unstoppable together? :''[They leave the containment pod and see their dark sides making out with each other]'' :'''Fitz''': What the hell? :'''Simmons''': Okay. O-Okay. :''[Their dark sides disappear just out of the camera frame apparently doing things that cannot be shown on broadcast television in the United States.]'' :'''Fitz''': ''[Mesmerized by what he is seeing]'' That is abso... Whoa. Oh. Oh, wow. Didn't know you liked that. :'''Simmons''': ''[Also mesmerized]'' Didn't know you'd ''do'' that. ''[The background changes]'' :'''Simmons''': Fitz, we're obviously made for each other, and, I'm sorry I can't give you back the time you missed. But I can give you me. Now and forever. :'''Fitz''': The whole universe couldn't keep me from you, Jemma Simmons. I am the luckiest man on any planet. === ''[[w:Toldja|Toldja]]'' [6.07] === :'''Sarge''': So, this lady ''[May]'' was in love with this dead Coulson guy. Anyone else have a thing for him? :'''Daisy''': Yeah, I'm... Uh, this is too much. ''[Leaves]'' :'''Sarge''': Her, too, huh? Daddy issues? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': You're talking about this Shrike creator that's coming. You told May it's a monster. :'''Sarge''': Yeah, or to you, a god. :'''Mack''': S.H.I.E.L.D.'s dealt with a lot of folks who thought they were gods. Just had egos. There's only one God. :'''Sarge''': Oh, I see. This is that kind of planet. One God controlling everything. Benevolent, right? To make you feel all warm inside when times get tough? :'''Mack''': It's not that simple. :'''Sarge''': Whatever your fairy tale, I've seen gods up close, and I think you're gonna get that opportunity, too. Believe me. You're not prepared for this. :'''Mack''': I'm prepared to protect my people from whatever's coming. :'''Sarge''': Your people? Hmm. They keep looking at me. You might want to get used to that. :'''Mack''': And why's that? :'''Sarge''': Because by the end of the day, I'll be the one in charge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitson''': My grandfather came to this planet with 20 Yookalian slaves and a dream. :'''Fitz''': That's inspiring. :'''Kitson''': He built this planet's original settlement with their bare hands. A few ramshackle modules for his games, a small dome for his brothel, and then he kept building so that I, son and grandson of Kitson, would one day have an empire. And you put all that at risk. Using a synthetic to cheat. Bringing bounty hunters in to wreak havoc at my house of games. :'''Fitz''': We just want to go home. :'''Simmons''': Surely a decent soul like you can understand. Somebody who's so proud of his own home. :'''Kitson''': Decency doesn't put food into the mouths of my wives. No, I'm a gambler. And I'm also a man who will deal out a punishment. :'''Fitz''': Okay, okay. Just There's no need for that. We can work. I'm an engineer. :'''Simmons''': Yeah. We both know alien languages. I'm a botanist, a chemist... :'''Fitz''': Yeah, and Enoch, here, is a super-advanced computer, so, we can be of use. Yeah. There's no need to kill us. :'''Kitson''': Killing you is the use I have for you. :'''Fitz''': Is it? :'''Kitson''': Killing a synthetic is a wasted sport. He'll be sent to the brothels. :'''Enoch''': I do not know what I am feeling. :'''Kitson''': You know what? I have something very special in mind for you Terrans. Hope you're not too attached to your heads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons, Fitz, and another Gambler are in guillotines]'' :'''Simmons''': After everything, this can't possibly be how we come to an end. No one would believe it. :'''Fitz''': I would. :'''Gambler''': House always wins, don't it? :'''Kitson''': Are you ready for a deadly game from the early days of Kitson? Three contestants put their lives in the balance. Now, who among them is strong enough to keep their blades from falling? Blades made from Veroovian steel the densest metal in the galaxy. The player that cannot hold the weight, will decapitate. The bets are in! Let the fun begin! Who will be the first to die? The scoundrel who tried to steal my most coveted brothel worker? :'''Gambler''': Guilty as charged. :'''Kitson''': Or will it be one of the Terrans? Criminals wanted for nefarious intergalactic deeds. :'''Gambler''': ''[To Simmons]'' If I get out of this, I could use the company of a pretty lady. :'''Fitz''': ''[Nearly dropping the blade]'' Hey! Hey! Hey! Knock it off! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fitz and Simmons notice Enoch walking away]'' :'''Fitz''': Hey. Hey! Enoch. Where you going? :'''Enoch''': My mission is complete. The Earth was saved, and you have secured passage home. I have a new mission to find a home for my people. :'''Fitz''': Wait, you're just gonna leave without saying goodbye? :'''Enoch''': You humans have a saying. "Goodbyes suck." I thought I'd spare you. :'''Simmons''': Thank you for everything, Enoch. :'''Fitz''': Thanks, Enoch. Even though you did totally disrupt my life. :'''Enoch''': You are welcome. :'''Fitz''': Come here. ''[They hug]'' :'''Enoch''': ''[Hands Fitz a communicator]'' "Don't be afraid to call." Another of your expressions. :'''Fitz''': This will contact you? :'''Enoch''': Yes, but use it only as needed, for I will not miss you very much, Leopold Fitz. I am bluffing. === ''[[w:Collision Course (Part I)|Collision Course (Part I)]]'' [6.08] === :'''Yo-Yo''': Prisoners give you any trouble? :'''Mack''': Well, the big man ''[Jaco]'' seemed content on breathing his home planet's air, but the, uh the twitchy dude ''[Pax]'' wasn't too thrilled to find out, uh, we were tracking Sarge. :'''Yo-Yo''': That's the first time I've ever heard you say that. :'''Mack''': What? Twitchy? :'''Yo-Yo''': Call somebody a "big man". :'''Mack''': I'm not used to going up against giants. :'''Yo-Yo''': Well, now you know how the rest of us feel when we're talking to you. It involves a lot of looking up. :'''Mack''': You know, I don't feel like a lot of people have been looking up to me lately. :'''Yo-Yo''': You can't let Sarge get to you, Mack. Everybody at S.H.I.E.L.D. believes in you. :'''Mack''': Wish I could say the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': You ever hear the name, uh, "Izel"? Keeps popping up in his research. Something from Incan mythology. :'''Yo-Yo''': Oh, right. So, because I'm from South America, I must know something about Incan mythology? I'm Catholic, Mack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Well, so there was actually three monoliths, but they were destroyed. I thought it better not to mention anything before we arrive back on Earth. :'''Fitz''': How did they get on the base? And how were they destroyed? :'''Simmons''': It's complicated, but they created these anomalies. But it did provide us with a beautiful wedding venue. :'''Fitz''': Guess I had to be there. :'''Simmons''': You were, and you were dashing. :'''Fitz''': Oh, yeah, and brave, and I sacrificed myself for the lives of others. Well, looks like you married Mr. Perfect, doesn't it? :'''Simmons''': Are you jealous of yourself? :'''Fitz''': Yep. Yes, I am. 'Cause he'll always be your first husband. I'm only ever gonna be the replacement. :'''Simmons''': You do realize how ridiculous this sounds? :'''Fitz''': Yep, absolutely. ''[Pause]'' Have fun on your wedding night? :'''Simmons''': Ohh! It was wonderful. I mean, obviously, you know, it will be nothing compared to the second time. :'''Fitz''': What? I wasn't enough the first time? <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': What's her ''[Izel's]'' motive? :'''Sarge''': Hatred. For all living things. :'''Daisy''': What's yours? :'''Sarge''': Love. ''[Pause]'' No, it's hate. That's my thing, too. Hate and revenge. She took my family from me. I won't stop until she pays for that. :'''May''': Well, if she's that powerful, how can you kill her? :'''Sarge''': There's only one way to kill the beast. ''[Holds a sword]'' :'''Daisy''': A galaxy hopping hate-beast that eats planets, and you want to defeat her with a, um, sword? :'''Sarge''': It's sharp. Feel it. :''[Later]'' :'''Mack''': Well, Benson gave us some information that might help us understand her. Has Sarge shared how he plans to take her out? :'''Daisy''': It's unclear but it may or may not involve a magical sword. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': Where is it? :'''Sarge''': Where's what? :'''Daisy''': The bomb. Mack's on the phone. He wants to talk. Your boy Pax squealed. :'''Sarge''': Yes, tell him he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. Did he tell you what kind of bomb? :'''Daisy''': One that'll leave a crater 200 miles wide. :'''Sarge''': Well, I don't know miles, but if that's a lot, then yeah, that kind of bomb. I told you I had an insurance policy. :'''Daisy''': You're not gonna use it. :'''Sarge''': I am. You were right. Swords just don't cut it. I'm not taking any chances. When Izel lands, I'm gonna blow her, her ship, and her black tower of death into oblivion. :'''May''': We're just outside a city. You'd kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people along with her. :'''Sarge''': A small price to pay for saving your planet and countless others. Now, we need to get on the same page and get off this truck before we become part of that small price. === ''[[w:Collision Course (Part II)|Collision Course (Part II)]]'' [6.09] === :'''Sarge''': I can't wait to kill you. :'''Izel''': Are you sure? :'''Sarge''': Dead certain. :'''Izel''': Tell me why is that? :'''Sarge''': Because you robbed me of my family, the woman I love, my home. And then you took the one thing I had left, my memories of them. :'''Izel''': It's not that I stole your memories, Sarge. It's that you never had any to begin with. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Snowflake''': ''[After seeing Daisy use her powers]'' Are all the females on your planet this powerful? :'''May''': They are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hiding from Izel and her crew]'' :'''Fitz''': That sounds like S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''Simmons''': I've never been so happy to hear live ammunition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': All right, everyone. A toast. To those of you who've served since the very beginning. And to those whose journeys have just begun. To the agents we've lost in the line of duty. As well as those who have somehow returned. And to those who stand by us at our best and at our worst. Because without every single one of you, there is no S.H.I.E.L.D. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Yo-Yo's quarters]'' :'''Mack''': Uh, yeah, it's, uh, I don't mean to keep you up. It's just, uh, I have a few things that, uh, I want to say, that I've wanted to say. But, you know, I-I can, um, I can be slow sometimes, so... :'''Yo-Yo''': How many beers have you had? :'''Mack''': N-No, it's, it's not that. It's, uh, t-there are, um, situations that, uh, will, um, will get complicated, no matter how hard you try to... :'''Yo-Yo''': Mack. Today, we survived. It's been a good night. Let's not... :'''Mack''': I screwed up. With you. I screwed up. We've been through hell and back, both of us. And I figured if, if I could get you off my mind, then that would help me be a better Director. You know, clear-headed, even-handed. :'''Yo-Yo''': And did it? :'''Mack''': I don't know, 'cause you're always on my mind. And today, when they took over ''Z1'' and you weren't there, I never for a moment worried you weren't safe. In fact, I knew you would be. :'''Yo-Yo''': I always told you not to worry about me. :'''Mack''': I know. And you were right. I'm not asking for forgiveness now. Just, uh, just a chance to earn it. Eventually. All right, um, Good night. ''[Goes to leave]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': ''[Uses her power to shut the door before Mack leaves]'' We can take it slow. === ''[[w: Leap (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Leap]]'' [6.10] === :'''Daisy''': Did you, by any chance, see May in the corridor? :'''Davis''': Oh. Yeah. After I blacked out, she was the first thing I saw when I came to, so I was in bad shape. She was cool about it, sweet, really. :'''Yo-Yo''': Melinda May was "sweet?" Is there a different meaning for that word? :'''Davis''': She said I looked like I was having trouble, couldn't argue with that, and I had to go rest. And yeah, now that I hear it out loud, she usually is more gruff. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The team realizes that Izel can possess people but cannot access their memories.]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': So everybody just needs to share a secret that she wouldn't know. The more private, the better. :'''Daisy''': Right, but it has to be something that one other person can confirm. :'''Mack''': Yeah. We'll clear everyone here first, then everyone else in the base. It's the best plan so far. :'''Yo-Yo''': Okay. I'll go first. Um, I, uh, tell people that the only time I miss Pitosí is during Christmas, but that's not exactly true. :'''Mack''': It's not? :'''May''': No, it's not. She told me. :'''Yo-Yo''': There's one day every year where I miss him more. :'''May''': Your mother's birthday. :'''Yo-Yo''': That's May. :'''May''': She's good, too. :'''Mack''': Okay, um Daisy anonymously sends part of her S.H.I.E.L.D. salary to someone every month. :'''Daisy''': Amanda Campbell, Lincoln's sister. Mack's clear. :'''Mack''': So are you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still testing memories]'' :'''Daisy''': When we were on Krylor, you took something. :'''Davis''': You knew about that? :'''Daisy''': I was running that mission. I knew everything. Also, you're not smooth like, at all. :'''Davis''': I stole a pen. :'''Deke''': A pen? :'''Davis''': A space pen. I thought it was cool. Aliens write things down. I did not know that. :'''Daisy''': He's clear. And also ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': When the monoliths exploded, it opened this Fear Dimension. I fought a Kree, and I saw my mother, which was horrible, and you got married in a forest a few floors down. That was nice. The other you. :'''Fitz''': It actually manifested living things? Flesh and blood? :'''May''': Yes. Coulson went in, sealed it up. :'''Fitz''': Maybe it wasn't a dimension. Izel said the monoliths had the power to create. Now, we know that one monolith was "space", another was "time". What if the third one was "creation"? :'''May''': That's where our fears came from? :'''Fitz''': Yeah, think about it. The physical stones blew apart. That doesn't... It doesn't mean... :'''Deke''': ...Doesn't mean that the energy went away. It could... The light could just be uncontained monolith energy. :'''Fitz''': Exactly. Exactly. We're looking for a link. That could be it. :'''May''': O-Okay, so you're saying that, when Coulson went in there with it... :'''Fitz''': It's possible that the three energies combined to create another Coulson through space and time on some other planet years ago. And he was left there when our Coulson sealed the Gravitonium device. :'''May''': If that's true, he doesn't know it. :'''Deke''': Just saying, the other you thought it was a Fear Dimension. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, well, he wasn't the smart one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sarge is shooting Izel to no effect]'' :'''Izel''': I know you're trying to hurt me. If it makes you feel any better, you are. Perhaps not in the way you intend, but it still hurts. Even so, it won't end me. And you don't even want that. :'''Sarge''': Of course I do. The same way you want to kill me. :'''Izel''': Kill you? Oh, my poor dear. If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead. I was trying to wake you up. :'''Sarge''': Oh, I'm awake. I'm awake enough to remember the people I loved, the family I had, and how it felt when you took them from me. :'''Izel''': It's not true. :'''Sarge''': You're saying you didn't kill them? :'''Izel''': I'm saying you didn't have a family. Those memories, they aren't yours. :'''Sarge''': That makes no sense! :'''Izel''': Then how did I kill them? You can't recall because it didn't happen. The family isn't yours. It's a holdover, an echo from the man whose body you inhabit. :'''Sarge''': No, I don't understand. :'''Izel''': I'm only beginning to fully understand myself. I always wondered how you got this form and where it came from. But now, in this place, they recognize that face here. Don't you see? The monoliths created your body, sent it back through time and space, back home to our realm. A planet where we have no form and yearn for it. This human body arrived. It had form. You took it over and lost yourself, lost me. And in return, you got everything that comes with this unwilling vessel. === ''[[w:From the Ashes (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|From the Ashes]]'' [6.11] === :'''Simmons''': There was a reason you rushed off to space last year. :'''Daisy''': I went with you to find Fitz. :'''Simmons''': We both know it wasn't just that. You have a pattern. It happened after you got your powers. After Lincoln, you walked away. :'''Daisy''': That has nothing to do with this. :'''Simmons''': Everything around here reminded you of Coulson, so you left. You didn't want to face it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Izel has conjured an image of Benson's late husband, Thomas]'' :'''Thomas''': I was driving. Then seeing something in the road. Then darkness. :'''Benson''': An accident. I sat with you for days, hoping you would wake up. :'''Thomas''': I know. :'''Benson''': What? :'''Thomas''': I heard every word that you said. :'''Elena''': It's a lie, Benson! :'''Mack''': Don't listen to it! It's not real! :'''Thomas''': When the doctor came in and said I was beyond helping, I heard that. :'''Benson''': No. :'''Thomas''': When my dad and sister begged you to hold on longer, I heard that, too. :'''Benson''': You were brain-dead. :'''Thomas''': I heard you say goodbye. I felt your hand on mine. You were so close, I could smell the liquor on your breath. :'''Benson''': No, Thomas. I I-I didn't. :'''Thomas''': How much were you drinking that night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sarge''': Do you really think you can beat me? :'''Daisy''': Yes. This time, I'll actually kill you. :'''Sarge''': Go ahead. It'd be easier than doing it myself. Come on! What are you waiting for?! Do it! Kill me, Skye! If it works on me, it'll work on her. But you have to do it now, before I get any stronger. :'''Daisy''': Wait... :'''Sarge''': You can't wait. Don't you understand? It's all coming back to me. The memories, the pain. Her song ringing through every bone in my body. :'''Daisy''': What memories? :'''Sarge''': It's too late for that. I'll lose control. I could kill everyone here. End it! :'''Daisy''': I can't do it. :'''Sarge''': You've always been capable of more than you think. Now do it. Do it! Do it. :'''Daisy''': You were gonna sacrifice yourself. It's what Coulson would've done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': Maybe we could hyper-stimulate our brains with some sort of chemical, and that way, if she ''[Izel]'' possesses us, she won't be able to put us into an unconscious state. :'''Simmons''': You're suggesting we all take amphetamines. :'''Fitz''': Yeah. Yeah, okay, fine. I can see how that would be counterproductive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': So far, your doomsday ritual is a bit underwhelming. :'''Izel''': This temple was built from the same stone as the Di'Allas. When they all resonate in harmony, they'll open a gateway to my home. :'''Yo-Yo''': So you can go back there and never bother us again? :'''Izel''': My family will come through and take over the Shrike hosts spread across the galaxy. :'''Mack''': If it were that easy, you would've done it already. :'''Izel''': True. With the Di'Allas destroyed, there isn't a way to complete the ritual. We must rebuild them. :'''Yo-Yo''': That sounds like a ''you'' problem. And maybe you shouldn't tell us your bad-guy plans. That always happens right before the bad guy dies. :'''Izel''': I'm telling you the problem because you're going to solve it for me. The three monoliths, as you call them you've seen them intact. You know what I can do with them. So your minds are going to create them for me. :'''Mack''': But you can't do it yourself. That's why you need us. :'''Izel''': I've already shown you that humans are incapable of controlling their fears. :'''Yo-Yo''': But we're not afraid of you. :'''Mack''': Our worst fears have nothing to do with you or the damn monoliths. It has to do with losing the people we love. :'''Yo-Yo''': And we've already faced that fear. We're still here. === ''[[w: The Sign (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The Sign]]'' [6.12] === :'''May''': You kept it in check when Daisy spoke to you. Whatever she did got you thinking straight. :'''Sarge''': There's no thought. Only the rage. And if I see Izel... :'''May''': You'll defeat her. You let the rage out. Then let the other part of you rein it in. :'''Sarge''': It's not as simple as you make it sound. :'''May''': That's why I'll be there. To remind you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': You copied tech that you never understood in the first place, and now we've got bugger-all to show for it! :'''Deke''': We've got bugger lots. We are close. :'''Fitz''': ''[To Simmons]'' You said our grandson was a delight. :'''Simmons''': He's a work in progress. :'''Deke''': Oh, you know what? You are just jealous that I came up with the big solve. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fitz''': No B.S. Foundation can hide the fact that you built this company not to advance science but to get rich! :'''Deke''': I built this company because no one liked me! :'''Simmons''': Deke, he didn't mean... :'''Deke''': Yes, he did. I built it because I've never belonged anywhere, because the place that I'm from doesn't even exist anymore and because all of my friends are gone. And the woman that I gave lemons to thinks that I'm a loser, so I went out into the world to try and be what everybody wants me to be, and she still thinks that I'm nothing! And my best friend turned out to be a spy, and my girlfriend turned out to be a psychopath. :'''Simmons''': Snowflake was not good for you. :'''Deke''': I was talking about Sequoia. Oh. I mean, the family that I do have wants nothing to do with me. :'''Simmons''': Deke, we care about you. We do. :'''Deke''': You say that and you try to be nice, but you didn't even want me to know that Fitz died. :'''Simmons''': I wanted to spare you the pain. :'''Deke''': But I could've shared that with you. I could've helped. Even my own grandparents think I'm a joke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': I know for a fact that he's the only one that can kill Izel. :'''Mack''': Oh, let me guess, he tell you that? :'''Daisy''': Look, Sarge started to remember who he really is. And you would've seen it for yourself if you didn't volunteer to be kidnapped. :'''Yo-Yo''': Do we really have to do this right now? :'''Mack''': You really think this man is Coulson? :'''Daisy''': Maybe not all of him, but he remembered my name. He called me "Skye." How would he have known that? :'''Mack''': Because that's what they do! I went to enough Sunday School to learn that when the devil shows up, he'll be wearing the face of someone you trust! He'll make you question everything you see and everything you know! :'''Daisy''': He is not the devil. :'''Mack''': We don't know what he is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': ''[To Sarge]'' Don't let that thing inside you take control. There is good in you. Look at me! :'''Izel''': Your friend doesn't know when to quit. Tell me. What do you feel? :'''Sarge''': Anger. And fear. Fear of this pain that's been a knife in my heart for so long. :'''May''': That's love. That pain is love. I know because I was afraid of it, too. But you let me feel it. You gave that gift to me. You pulled me out of that cubicle. You gave me purpose, a crew. Remember me. Remember us: Daisy and Mack and Yo-Yo, Fitz and Simmons. You love us. :'''Sarge''': You're right. It's love. The pain is love. :'''May''': Yes. :'''Sarge''': And now I know how to end it. To cut it out of me. Slice it away and be done with it. ''[Stabs May with a sword and shoves her through the portal]'' How's that for a sign? === ''[[w: New Life (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|New Life]]'' [6.13] === :''[Enoch, disguised as Isaiah, has just rescued Fitz and Simmons from two Chronicom hunters]'' :'''Enoch''': Sorry. This must be confusing, best friend. But I had to take bold action. :'''Fitz''': Enoch? :'''Enoch''': I found that bluffing was much easier if you kill someone and take their skin. There is a second wave of Hunters coming. I have a strategy that will save your lives and the lives of your fellow Agents, but, unfortunately, time is of the essence. We must act now. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, of course. What? :'''Enoch''': This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. :'''Simmons''': I doubt that. :'''Fitz''': Nothing's ever easy with you, is it? :'''Simmons''': What do we have to do? :'''Enoch''': ''[Dramatically]'' Change the natural course of your lives forever. :''[They have heard this before.]'' :'''Simmons''': Oh, that again. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Izel''': I see you discovered life and death are meaningless in this realm, which is why we find it so curious that you cling to one and dread the other. I sang my song. Connected our worlds. Now I will open the door to this temple so our kind can pass through, find a voice of their own. :'''May''': Humans will fight back. Always do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': Agent Shaw, you got your orders. :'''Deke''': Stay here and take out any zombies while you go Quake Sarge back to whatever planet he was barfed out on. :'''Daisy''': You sure you can handle the gunplay? :'''Mack''': Oh, he's been practicing his shooting. You should see his video game. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sarge''': Why continue? :'''Daisy''': Let me guess surrender and we'll never suffer again. :'''Sarge''': Oh, no. I'll make sure you do. I'll handpick the spirits to take you, to use your flesh, to ravage your insides. Every waking moment, a battle will rage within you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons has brought Mack, Daisy, Yo-Yo, Deke, and a comatose May onto'' Zephyr One. ''They realize that they had jumped to 1931]'' :'''Daisy''': I would say I need a drink but those are illegal now, aren't they? :'''Mack''': Are there any other bombshells you want to drop, Agent Simmons? :'''Simmons''': Yes. There is one. We have a problem that Fitz and I could not solve, but Enoch provided a possible solution. The Chronicom Hunters have Fury's Black Box as well as centuries of anthropological research to pull from. Our team needs an expert in S.H.I.E.L.D. history to have a chance of stopping them, to even know what the Hunters might target. I would ask May her opinion, but she's out of commission for the time being. The rest of us could vote, but truthfully, this decision should be left up to him. And he has already voiced his opposition to anything like this. He has all of his own memories and has been upgraded with complete knowledge of everything he's missed. He has Chronicom hardware, which makes him our most advanced LMD. And there is no better person to be your right hand, sir. :'''Mack''': Simmons... :'''Simmons''': I was deeply against it at first but the more I thought about it, the more I think he'd understand. I believe it's the right thing to do. And frankly, I miss him. So what do you think? :'''Mack''': He would want us to consider the ramifications. :''[Daisy presses a button. A door opens revealing an LMD of Coulson]'' :'''LMD Coulson II''': Hey, guys. == Season 7 == === ''[[w:The New Deal (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|The New Deal]]'' [7.01] === :''[The team find themselves in 1931 New York]'' :'''Deke''': Navigating the past happens to be my specialty. :'''Yo-Yo''': Last time, you got stupid drunk and ended up in jail. :'''Deke''': That's not true. I was pleasantly drunk. It was hilarious. :'''Daisy''': He'll be fine. It's Prohibition, so alcohol's illegal anyway. :'''Deke''': It's what? Who would think that's a good idea? Even the Kree let us make our own boot juice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': That's what I'm worried about. The [[w:Butterfly effect|butterfly effect]]. Just us being here, walking down the street, we could've already changed the course of events. :'''Deke''': Yeah, the butterfly effect is just one aspect of the [[w:Multiverse|multiverse]] branch theory. Personally, I subscribe to the [[w:Timestream|Time-Stream]] idea. :'''Mack''': Let me guess. That's the one that lets you do whatever you want. :'''Deke''': Okay. Imagine time as a stream, right? And we were sticks that were thrown into it. The water, it... it moves us... it moves around us. :'''LMD Coulson II''': But it ends up in the same place. :'''Deke''': Right. Now, too many sticks thrown in and that will create what's called a dam, and... and that'll change the direction of the water forever, and that's bad. So as long as we can avoid that, we should be able to splash around a little bit and we're all good. :'''Mack''': Okay, I know where this is going. Agent Shaw, you will not be filing any patents. Is that understood? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The team is posing as members of the [[w:Royal Canadian Mounted Police|Royal Canadian Mounted Police]]]'' :'''Police Officer''': What's a gal like you doing trying to be a Mountie? Can't you find a husband? :'''Daisy''': Okay. Yeah, I mean, I wish that I could hold on to a husband. But for some reason, they just end up with broken ribs whenever they give me lip. Now move, or a gal like me will knock out a guy like you in front of people like them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Time. You will never comprehend its true nature. Our anthropologists have studied Earth for thousands of years. To speak in metaphor, we know the exact thread to pull at the exact moment to unravel S.H.I.E.L.D... forever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson II''': The new gang. They're after Freddy. :'''Ernest Hazard Koenig''': Oh, applesauce. He's a nobody. :'''LMD Coulson II''': He's a target. Give me a reason. :'''Koenig''': They're not after his dad's money. When old man Malick jumped out that window, his debts were paid. :'''Daisy''': What did you just call him? :'''LMD Coulson II''': His full name. What is it? :'''Koenig''': Wilfred Malick. Why? :'''Daisy''': Wilfred Malick. As in father of Gideon Malick? Future head of Hydra in America? :'''LMD Coulson II''': If the Chronicoms kill Malick, then Hydra is stamped out before it ever takes hold and S.H.I.E.L.D. is never formed. :'''Daisy''': So you're saying, to save S.H.I.E.L.D... :'''LMD Coulson II''': We have to save Hydra. === ''[[w:Know Your Onions|Know Your Onions]]'' [7.02] === :'''LMD Coulson II''': If Hydra doesn't form, then S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't form in response. :'''Daisy''': Well, because it doesn't have to. I mean, think about all the future lives we'll save if there's no Freddy Malick. :'''LMD Coulson II''': We can't disrupt the timeline. If we take out Malick, something even worse could rise up in his place. :'''Daisy''': But then we'll just deal with it when we get back, right? :'''Simmons''': To a future we won't recognize... Killing Malick was the Chronicoms' intent. They do know the consequences. :'''Daisy''': And we'll only know what happens if he lives. None of this is pretty. :'''Yo-Yo''': But why does it have to be a live-or-die situation? Can't we stay here awhile, uh, be a good influence for him, change his heart? :'''Simmons''': Technically, that would still be killing the historic Malick, who... :'''Daisy''': Has no heart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons wants to run tests on a drop of green liquid that she found]'' :'''Simmons''': I need some alcohol. 90 proof or better. :'''Koenig''': I like the way this bird sings. :'''Simmons''': I'm a biochemist, not a bird. I also need some salt, some cork, something made with silver. Let's hope it's not what I fear. :''[After testing]'' :'''Simmons''': I know what it is. By heating the compound inside an alcohol-based solution, I was able to produce a decomposition reaction, separating and isolating... :'''Koenig''': Whoa, cut... cut... cut to the chase. I'd like to get this package before Christmas. :'''Simmons''': The compound is part of a formula that first appeared in Germany during World War II. :'''Koenig''': D... During World War II? I think you're half-cocked from the moonshine. :'''Simmons''': It was synthesized by a German scientist named [[w:List_of_Marvel_Comics_characters:_E#Abraham_Erskine|Abraham Erskine]]. :'''LMD Coulson II''': I don't like where this is going. :'''Simmons''': And first used by a man named Johann Schmidt. :'''Daisy''': [[w:Red Skull|The Red Skull]]. :'''Simmons''': Freddy Malick is about to deliver the key ingredient used to create the [[w:Captain_America#Super_Soldier_Serum|Super Soldier Serum]]. :'''Koenig''': You give a name like that to your juice, it better have a helluva kick. :'''LMD Coulson II''': You have no idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': If we don't stop him, he's gonna build up Hydra and create the Red Skull. :'''LMD Coulson II''': He already did. We can't fix the mistakes of the past. :'''Yo-Yo''': Why not? :'''Koenig''': I'm beginning to think you people are crazy. Hydra? Red Skull? Super Soldier Serum? Sounds like something out of the funny papers. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, well, there's nothing funny about it. :'''LMD Coulson II''': We can't stop it. :'''Daisy''': Yes, we can. :'''LMD Coulson II''': I mean we shouldn't. I'm sorry. :'''Daisy''': With all due respect, it's not your call to make. Mack is the Director, and he doesn't have all the information. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interrogating a woman from Hydra]'' :'''Daisy''': Now that I know what you are, I will ask you one more time. Where is Freddy gonna end up? :'''Woman''': On the right side of history. You can't stop progress. :'''LMD Coulson II''': We don't want to stop anything. We just want to find our friends. :'''Woman''': Well, then you can go to Hell. :'''Koenig''': Wait. Wait. I know where that is. I've been there. :'''Yo-Yo''': I'm sure you have. :'''Koenig''': No, no. Hell's Harbor. Where the double-crossers go to double-cross the double-crossers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Enoch has been left behind in 1931 with Koenig]'' :'''Enoch''': It is my specialty. I call it a Barracoolada. :'''Koenig''': Hmm. Ooh. That's a damn fine concoction. :'''Enoch''': I do, as you say, know my onions. :'''Koenig''': Oh, that, you do. You're hired. But I have a couple of conditions. First, I want to know more about this S.H.I.E.L.D. outfit. I feel like I could be a help there. :'''Enoch''': Indeed, you will. As will this fine establishment. What is the second condition? :'''Koenig''': I want to know all there is to know about robots. :'''Enoch''': Chronicoms. :'''Koenig''': Whatever you call yourselves. I-I find it fascinating. :'''Enoch''': As will your grandchildren. :'''Koenig''': My... My grandchildren? Enoch... this looks like the start of a marvelous friendship. === ''[[w:Alien Commies from the Future!|Alien Commies from the Future!]]'' [7.03] === :'''Mack''': Look. We know you're not the bad guy. But you may have given access to one, so help us out. :'''Gerald Sharpe''': Okay! Okay. Okay, I'll tell you. ''[Changes his tone to one of defiance]'' When hell freezes over. I'm a loyal American. Did you really think that I would break for bush league commie scum like you? :'''Mack''': We're trying to prevent something terrible from happening. :'''Sharpe''': And by "terrible", do you mean America's continued dominance and unparalleled excellence? :'''Yo-Yo''': That arrogance is putting lives at risk. :'''Sharpe''': Oh, is that so, Mamacita? Ooh. Caliente. Good thing your boy's here to keep you in line. :'''Mack''': Did he just call me "boy?" :'''Sharpe''': Allow me to introduce myself. Gerald Sharpe. Department of Defense. Ex-military. I didn't just teach interrogation and resistance, I wrote the field manual. So do your worst. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': ''[Speaking to LMD Coulson II]'' Getting to the bottom of this may be difficult. If the Chronicoms have infiltrated, they would all look and act exactly like this. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Okay, but now you're just trafficking in stereotypes. :'''Simmons''': Well, I mean, perhaps. But until a more diverse population goes into STEM fields, I'm afraid... any one of them could easily be mistaken for a Chronicom. :'''LMD Coulson II''': True, but we don't have to test if they're Chronicoms. We just have to test if they're human. All we have to do is trigger an emotional response. :''[Speaking to the group of scientists in front of them]'' :'''Simmons''': ''[Speaking quickly holding up three fingers]'' How many fingers am I holding up? Nope, you're wrong... :'''Scientist #1''': You didn't give me a chance... :'''Simmons''': It was two fingers. Thank you. :'''LMD Coulson II''': John Wayne. Bit overrated, don't you think? I mean, you're rugged, you're on a horse... who cares? :'''Scientist #2''': Who cares? Who cares about John Wayne? America cares. :'''Simmons''': ''[In tears]'' She couldn't stay with Rick. She had to go with Victor. Haven't you ever made a sacrifice for someone you love? :'''Scientist #3''': Yes. :'''LMD Coulson II''': How does it make you feel when I say the word "moist"? ''[Pause]'' Moist. :'''Scientist #4''': P-Please stop. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Moist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons has been posing as ''[[w:Peggy Carter|Peggy Carter]]'']'' :'''[[w:List_of_Agent_Carter_characters#Daniel_Sousa|Daniel Sousa]]''': Agent Carter? :'''Simmons''': In the flesh. :'''Sousa''': Well. Glad to finally put a face to the name. I gotta say, I've waited a long time to meet the famous Agent Carter. But I'm surprised to find you here, running a security op in our little patch of desert. :'''Simmons''': I apologize for the short notice, but we had to act quickly. I believe this base may have been infiltrated. :'''Sousa''': No. Imagine that. An infiltrator, right under our noses. :'''Simmons''': And you arrived just this morning, Agent...? :'''Sousa''': Call me Daniel. :'''Simmons''': Daniel. And where exactly did you materialize from? :'''Sousa''': I just flew in from L.A. :'''Simmons''': Oh, you work at the old SSR ''[Strategic Scientific Reserve]'' office. :'''Sousa''': I'm in charge of it. :'''Simmons''': Daniel, your surname wouldn't happen to be Sousa? :'''Sousa''': It would. :'''Simmons''': Which would make you the former colleague of Agent Peggy Carter. :'''Sousa''': It would. :'''Simmons''': I suppose you'll be arresting me now. :'''Sousa''': You got it all figured out, don't you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sousa''': ''[Sees Daisy in his office]'' Who the hell are you? :'''Daisy''': Who I am is on a need to know basis. :'''Sousa''': I need to know. :'''Daisy''': Ah, no, you don't. Because I don't exist and we never met. Now, can you shut the door, please? :'''Sousa''': Not to be rude, but it's been one of those days, so produce some credentials or I'm gonna put you in handcuffs. :'''Daisy''': Here. ''[Shows him a card]'' I should inform you that's not my real name. My initials are "C", "I", and "A". Catch my drift? :'''Sousa''': Subtle, but yeah, I get it. I'm also gonna call your bosses in Foggy Bottom and confirm it. ''[Picks up a phone]'' :'''Daisy''': Oh, please do. I'm sure they would love to learn how two moles walked into this base on your watch. Let me guess. They rolled in with flawless ID cards, made a beeline for the scientists... for some routine questioning? :'''Sousa''': ''[Puts down the phone]'' How'd you know that? :'''Daisy''': CIA. We know all. Even about you, Mr. Sousa. How you were a scout for the 28th infantry till you took shrapnel at Bastogne, worked at Isodyne Energy, took down Hugh Jones and the Council of Nine. And those are just the investigations that I am cleared to talk about. :'''Sousa''': Why are you really here? Is this about the report I sent you guys? :'''Daisy''': I can neither confirm nor deny that. :'''Sousa''': Well, I hope so. Because if S.H.I.E.L.D. has been infiltrated with sleepers post-World War II, we need to root it out right now, before it takes hold. :'''Daisy''': Look, all I can say is that you are not crazy. And the people that you have locked up ''[Simmons and LMD Coulson II]'' might be the key to proving it. :''[Outside the cell where Simmons and LMD Coulson II are being held]'' :'''Sousa''': The lady pretending to be Carter? Worst fake accent you've ever heard. :'''Daisy''': You should tell her that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the cockpit of'' Zephyr One'']'' :'''Mack''': ''[Over an intercom from'' Zephyr One ''to Sharpe, who is on the ground]'' Earthling. You will not reveal what you've seen here today, or the next time we abduct you... you will be... ''[Pause]'' probed. ''[Flies away]'' :''[In a nearby diner]'' :'''Sharpe''': Someone help me! I was just abducted by aliens! :'''Waitress''': Looks like we got a live one. :'''Sharpe''': You have to believe me! I saw their spaceship! And... And I'm pretty sure they were Communists... from the future! === ''[[w:Out of the Past (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Out of the Past]]'' [7.04] === :'''LMD Coulson II''': ''[Narrating in a film noir parody]'' Fate. I don't believe in it. But I know history. I know how the story goes. And when it's playing out right in front of you, it feels like you can't escape it. That fate's gonna catch up to you, tap you on the shoulder, whisper in your ear that your time's up. :''[Cut to Sousa confronting someone]'' :'''Sousa''': I thought I shook you. ''[He is shot]'' :'''LMD Coulson II''': And then your story ends. Sometimes the hero has to die, and there's nothing you can do about it. That day started in a fog. My circuits were crossed up. Color had bled from the world, and I could hear my thoughts pinging around my head. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deke is driving Yo-Yo to pick up an object]'' :'''Deke''': In the '50s, were women allowed to drive? :'''Yo-Yo''': Yes, of course. Why would you... :'''Deke''': I'm sorry! I don't know. I mean, we were just in the '30s and they were really stylish, but it was... so sexist and racist. But the '50s, though... are still pretty sexist and racist. :'''Yo-Yo''': It always gets better, just never fast enough. :'''Deke''': And some things never change. :'''Yo-Yo''': Can't hurt to try, though. <hr width="50%"/> :''[LMD Coulson II is posing as a scientist]'' :'''LMD Coulson II''': The agent's life... must be exciting. :'''Sousa''': It fills the days. Lot of threats out there. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Russians. :'''Sousa''': And others. Lying low, biding time. I take it science doesn't leave much time for a personal life either. :'''LMD Coulson II''': I don't follow. :'''Sousa''': No ring on your finger. :'''LMD Coulson II''': There was someone. I couldn't stick around long enough to make it last. How 'bout you? :'''Sousa''': Similar story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': It's easier to let a bad man live than to let a good man die. :'''LMD Coulson II''': That's catchy, and I wish I'd said it, but Agent Sousa's sacrifice was an inspiration to others in S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''Mack''': Like yours was for the Avengers. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Well, let's not oversell it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After waking from being shot with an ICEr, Sousa sees a S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on the wall and realizes the team's affiliation]'' :'''Sousa''': S.H.I.E.L.D. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Future S.H.I.E.L.D. We're in a fight against body-snatching robots from another planet who want to wipe us out and take the Earth. The melting man you saw was one of them. :'''Sousa''': Why didn't you lead with that? :'''LMD Coulson II''': Do I really have to answer? :'''Sousa''': You'd be surprised what I've seen. :'''LMD Coulson II''': I sort of doubt that. === ''[[w:A Trout in the Milk|A Trout in the Milk]]'' [7.05] === :''[The team is now in 1973. Sousa emerges from a clothing store still wearing his suit from 1955]'' :'''Daisy''': What happened to blending in? :'''Sousa''': I just don't understand the functional appeal of those... elephant... pants. :'''Daisy''': You mean the bell-bottoms? :'''Sousa''': Sure. How do people in your time function with all the extra fabric around their feet? :'''LMD Coulson II''': I got news for you. This isn't actually our time period. :'''Daisy''': Well, fortunately, there's unfashionable squares in every decade, so you are... set. :'''Sousa''': And nobody seems to look you in the eye now. :'''May''': Wait 'til they all get cellphones. :'''Sousa''': So, I was thinking, how do you guys know I was supposed to die in 1955? :'''LMD Coulson II''': It's in the history books. :'''Sousa''': Yeah, but... but what if you always plucked me out of time? Does that mean I always survive? And if we end up in your present, will we even be in the same timeline? :'''Daisy''': I'd stop thinking about it. Your brains will spill out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Sometimes you punch the bag, sometimes the bag punches you, am I right? I get that Mack wants me to do combat training before I return to the field, but seriously, I got kidnapped by a Hydra boss one time. :'''Simmons''': I don't think Freddy will be bothering you anymore, considering his funeral was three years ago. :'''Deke''': Good riddance. Not that I was... rooting for his death, but kinda. Did you hear anything from Bobo? Bobo... or grandpappy, whatever you want to call him. :'''Simmons''': Oh, Fitz. No, I haven't heard. But, um, even if I had, I couldn't disclose... :'''Deke''': Right, because the Chronicoms will probe our brains and blah, blah, blah, and it's very dangerous, no one can know... I get it. :'''Simmons''': We'll be reunited soon. :'''Deke''': Well, I hope so. Because if you and Fitz don't... bump lemons... so to speak... You know, my mom is never going to exist, and then I won't be born... again. I think. But, honestly, I've made so many mistakes in my life, I wouldn't mind a chance at a little do-over. :'''Simmons''': Wouldn't it be easier to prevent the mistakes through, say, preparation? :'''Deke''': Taking the hint. Letting you get back to work. Bye, Nana. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mack and Yo-Yo are scouting the Lighthouse]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': I was wondering why you brought me here. I'm hardly even fit for recon. What if we run into complications, Mack? :'''Mack''': You're damn fine at what you do, with or without your powers. They don't define you. :'''Yo-Yo''': Then why do you call me "Yo-Yo?" :'''Mack''': 'Cause you always bounce back. :''[After noticing that the base is still occupied]'' :'''Yo-Yo''': Let's take the Quinjet and get back. :'''Mack''': What, are you worried? It's still S.H.I.E.L.D., just an active base. :'''Yo-Yo''': You saw the man in blue :'''Mack''': The Agent in the throwback uni? Hell, I thought he looked pretty tight. :'''Yo-Yo''': You ever see a James Bond movie, Mack? An underground base full of men in jumpsuits... always a bad deal. ''[A door opens, revealing a rocket being assembled]'' See? Called it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sousa''': No. Is that... Little Ricky? :'''LMD Coulson II''': If by "Little Ricky" you mean General Rick Stoner, then yes. He's top brass at S.H.I.E.L.D. You knew him? :'''Sousa''': Yeah. I remember when he was an enlistee. Poor kid couldn't tell a mag from a clip. :'''Stoner''': Alright, thank you. Thank you for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank all of you for being here today. I know that you are all excited to, uh, kick off S.H.I.E.L.D.'s next phase in global security. So please welcome the man responsible, my boss and our friend, Wilfred Malick. :'''May''': Freddy's still alive. :'''Freddy''': Thanks, General. So good to be here. I got my start working in this gin joint, long before it was a S.H.I.E.L.D. asset. Look how far we've come. From hiding underground, keeping vigilant watch, to having eyes in the sky, ensuring the Earth's safety. Using targeting satellites and pinpoint laser telemetry, S.H.I.E.L.D. will now be able to neutralize hostiles anywhere in the world before they pose a threat. :'''Sousa''': This sound familiar to you? :'''LMD Coulson II''': Yeah. Sounds like Hydra's 40 years ahead of schedule. :'''Freddy''': I present to you... [[w:Captain America: The Winter Soldier|Project Insight]]. :'''Sousa''': So, these folks are secretly squids. :'''LMD Coulson II''': No, just a few at the top are Hydra. Most are loyal S.H.I.E.L.D., like Stoner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[LMD Coulson II, May, Daisy, and Sousa are fleeing Chronicoms when they see a car pull up]'' :'''Enoch''': [[Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Come with me if you want to continue to exist!]] :'''Daisy''': Enoch, you're here. :'''Enoch''': Yes. As I have been for the last 40 years. Now buckle up. :'''LMD Coulson II''': Sorry we left you behind, thanks for the lift, and sweet ride. :'''Enoch''': Thank you. ''Consumer Reports'' gave this vehicle a five-star safety rating, and its fuel economy is best in class. === ''[[w:Adapt or Die (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Adapt or Die]]'' [7.06] === :''[Daisy wakes up after Nathaniel Malick captured her and Sousa]'' :'''Daisy''': My head. Ohh, I can barely... Feels like there's cement running through my veins. :'''Sousa''': Drugs. Haven't been this messed up since the field hospital. :'''Daisy''': I want to hear that story when I can remember it. ''[Tests her powers]'' I can't quake. Malick's little psycho... :'''Nathaniel''': Psycho? That's unfair... and very well-timed. Wow. Right as I'm walking in. Hi. Nathaniel. Uh, the two of you took me hostage... changed my life. :'''Daisy''': Yeah. Uh, will you unchain us, and we can hug it out? And Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D. can be together at last. :'''Nathaniel''': Hydra? I-I look like Hydra to you? Take a look at Ron's suit. Guy's here 'cause he's got mouths to feed, not 'cause he worships a space octopus. No. Religion's not really my thing. :'''Sousa''': I don't want to know what your thing is, kid. :'''Nathaniel''': But it's you, Daniel. You're my thing. Whoa. Come on. Danny. You know. I know. Daisy here can move things without touching them. And you? You either fought the Krauts in diapers or you're aging much slower than the other 60-somethings I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daisy is very weak after Nathaniel finished a round of experimentation on her]'' :'''Sousa''': Hey, hey, hey. You wanted to hear my story, right? Right, well, I think it was, uh, foggy. I can't really remember the hit, but I came to, and my leg was a pulpy mess... and I was completely alone. Okay. And then Mike Stephens showed up. And the thing about Mike is he was a resolute ass. He would never shut up. He was always bullying the new guys, stole cigs. But that day, he just kept talking to me... carried me back from the line. Hey. Hey. Wake up. Okay? Stay awake, okay? For the next couple hours, he stayed with me. When the Germans advanced, when the cold got so bad I thought we would freeze, he just kept telling me, "We are going home". And then at some point, I was in a field stretcher, and, uh... Mike wasn't. So... consider my yapping as a way of passing on the favor. We are going home, Agent Johnson. You hear me? We're going home. But you have got to fight. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deke had disabled Enoch after seeing him working on an implant in Simmons]'' :'''Simmons''': Forget what you saw. Enoch is a friend. :'''Deke''': No, no, what I just saw was Creepytown, USA, population... the... the two of you. No, no. I want answers... real ones. :'''Simmons''': He was fixing my memory so we can fix the ship. :'''Deke''': Wait a second. Do you... Do you not know how to fix the time machine that you are currently ripping apart? :'''Simmons''': You cannot imagine how impossible it was to track the Chronicoms through time. But Fitz and I found a place where all their moves could be observed. And to guide us, Fitz stayed there. He is completely exposed, and they will kill him if they find him, so no one can know his location. :'''Deke''': But you knew. :'''Simmons''': Yes. I designed a biological implant to suppress my memories. I named her "Diana." She's adorable, and we're inseparable. Literally. :'''Deke''': But then you won't remember how to find Fitz again. :'''Simmons''': I'm worried I might. Diana is acting up, and I'm... I'm forgetting the things I'm supposed to know, and more dangerously, I'm remembering the things I'm not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson II''': What's the difference between a Chronicom and a human? :'''Sibyl''': Time. Humans have a limited amount of it and therefore fear death. They act irrationally to prevent themselves or others from experiencing death. Chronicoms cannot die. Time has no consequence. You should ask yourself which category you fall into. :'''LMD Coulson II''': So, that's the difference that makes your species more valuable. :'''Sibyl''': Less fleeting. With a home planet intact, we will exist long after you're gone. Once you realize that, you'll give up. Or... you'll run out of... :'''LMD Coulson II''': ...Time. Yeah, you said that. I would argue that you're wrong about three things, if you don't mind. :'''Sibyl''': Please. :'''LMD Coulson II''': First... the difference is sacrifice. Yeah, time is limited... which means sacrifice comes at a real cost... not just data. Heart and pain and blood and sweat and tears... all the good human stuff. And we will never give up. :'''Sibyl''': You said I was wrong about three things. What's the third? :'''LMD Coulson II''': Me. You see, I haven't feared death for a long time. :'''Sibyl''': Is that so? :'''LMD Coulson II''': Yeah. The fact is, dying... it's kind of my super power. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Um, yeah, E-Enoch, I'm sorry... about before. I-I didn't realize that things were so dire. :'''Simmons''': And... ? :'''Deke''': And... you are a valued member of our family. :'''Enoch''': That is the greatest compliment one could be paid. Apology accepted. === ''[[w:The Totally Excellent Adventures of Mack and the D|The Totally Excellent Adventures of Mack and the D]]'' [7.07] === :''[Mack and Deke are stranded in 1983. Mack found out that Deke has a band performing songs from later in the 1980s.]'' :'''Deke''': This isn't a cover band. The band is a cover. Director, I want to introduce you to The Deke Squad. That's Roxy Glass. She runs covert ops and tactical. Kind of the brains of the operation. Alright, y'all ready? Tommy and Ronnie Chang, a.k.a. The Chang Gang. Both masters of disguises, not to mention total honey pots. Olga Pachinko... resistance from the Balkans. Only speaks limited English, though she is fluent in the international language... demolitions. And finally, there's Cricket. Cricket's... well, I mean, mostly, we just really needed a drummer. :'''Mack''': Wait, wait, wait. Didn't you tell me that dude was shady? :'''Deke''': Yeah, but that was before I found out he had a steady job. :'''Mack''': Doing what? :'''Deke''': Selling coke. Although, I've never seen him drink any. :'''Mack''': Look, I appreciate the effort you put in. I really do. But this is terrible spy-craft to be this high-profile. :'''Deke''': Exactly. That's the whole point. Think about the practical applications. We move freely from town-to-town. Big cases of high tech "equipment" are part of the gig. And any strange behavior, they just chalk it up to drugs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Olga''': Cursed machines will not lick defeat unless we slay head robot. :'''Deke''': I think you mean "taste" defeat, but props on the English. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': ''[To an attacking robot]'' Hey! Surrender now, and I promise not to make a Speak & Spell out of your spare parts. 'Cause that would probably be embarrassing for a robot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deke is about to introduce Mack to Mack's younger self]'' :'''Deke''': Last semester, you got straight A's, you racked up the high score on Ms. Pac-Man and you cried buckets when you read ''[[w:Where the Red Fern Grows|Where the Red Fern Grows]]''. :'''Mack''': That stays between us. :'''Deke''': Not making any promises. :'''Mack''': Uncle Marcus's car looks nicer than I remember. :'''Deke''': You don't say. :'''Mack''': How are Reuben and I... doing with, uh... You know. :'''Deke''': Still hard. I mean, they were your parents. I don't think that pain ever goes away completely. But every day's a little easier, and your Uncle Marcus has been great. I think that you and Reuben are even closer in this timeline. Now, remember, you're just a friend from my band, okay? :'''Mack''': Yeah, okay, but what instrument do I play? :'''Deke''': I don't know. I was thinking maybe... harmonica? :'''Mack''': Oh, what? Harmonica? Oh, hell no. No. No, no, no, no. I'm a sax man all the way. :'''Deke''': Of course the big man plays the sax. Alright, I'm into that, but we're gonna have to get you a couple lessons. It's got to be authentic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his body was destroyed in the previous episode, Coulson is now a [[w:Max Headroom|Max Headroom]]-like figure]'' :'''May''': Good to see you, Deke. ''[Casually]'' You, too, Coulson. :'''Max-Headroom Coulson''': That's really not the reaction I was expecting. :'''May''': Simmons gave specific orders to find your hard drive. Said it was our most important asset. I might even agree with her. :'''Max-Headroom Coulson''': Did she mention anything about... :'''May''': Building you a new body? :'''Max-Headroom Coulson''': Yeah. :'''May''': You'll just have to wait and see. :'''Max-Headroom Coulson''': That's cold, May, even for you. === ''[[w:After, Before|After, Before]]'' [7.08] === :'''Yo-Yo''': This plan's pretty thin, May. :'''May''': I'd rather have a thin plan than live through the '80s again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yo-Yo''': We never came up with a cover story. :'''May''': Well, just try to keep it simple, tell part of the truth. :'''Yo-Yo''': An alien bird flew into my mouth in the future. :'''May''': Maybe not that part. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deke''': Stand back. There's gonna be a big surge of electricity. Electricity's dangerous. :'''Sousa''': Do I look like a Neanderthal to you? :'''Enoch''': I spent time with a tribe of Neanderthals. Agent Sousa does not resemble one. He lacks the characteristic brow ridges. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jiaying''': Yes. We did a thorough search for any contaminants, foreign particles, pathogens. Nothing came up. I'm sorry, Elena, but your problem isn't physical. It's in your mind. :'''Yo-Yo''': So, that's it? That's your theory? I'm not making this up. This is real. :'''Jiaying''': The fact that it's psychological doesn't make it any less real. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': ''[Recording a message]'' Fitz, I don't know if you'll ever get this, but the mission hasn't exactly gone as planned. I'm not sure why we lost contact when I rescued the team from Izel's temple, but the drive is malfunctioning, and we may have to abandon the ''Zephyr'' in 1983. Yo-Yo might be able to fix it, but if not... It won't be easy, but I know we'll find some way to be together again. Time, space... it's never stopped us before. And I won't stop trying. I love you. === ''[[w: As I Have Always Been|As I Have Always Been]]'' [7.09] === :'''Daisy''': You won't believe this, but I keep... :'''LMD Coulson III''': Repeating the same events over and over again? Yeah. How long did it take you to figure it out this time? I was really hoping not to have this conversation again, but if you forgot everything we went through, I guess that means you died again. :'''Daisy''': I died?! "Again"? :'''LMD Coulson III''': And always say it just like that. We're the only two who remember, so each time you die in one of these loops, you don't remember anything in the next reset, so then you have to learn everything all over again. :'''Daisy''': That's awful. :'''LMD Coulson III''': It's annoying. 'Cause who has to teach you every time? This guy. I've done it 14 times so far. :'''Daisy''': We've done this 14 times? :'''LMD Coulson III''': Oh, no. No, no, no. You've died 14 times. We've been through this loop 87 times, or I should say 87 that I know about. :'''Daisy''': That you know about? :'''LMD Coulson III''': 'Cause you don't come power me up every time! It's okay. Not your fault. P.S., not a big fan of starting each loop powered down. Disconcerting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson III''': Someone keeps trying to kill our people. Why doesn't that piss you off? It should. I'm sorry. I don't like watching you die. I don't like watching any of you die... over and over. :'''Daisy''': We will figure this out. You know we will. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Sure. But in the meantime, it is soul-crushing. If I even have a soul. :'''Daisy''': Don't talk like that again. Of course you have a soul. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Don't say that. Don't say "of course". I'm not who I was. I'm this thing. I was Max Headroom for a year. And you know what? Being trapped in a time loop, watching my friends die, helpless to stop it, it's not some time-space anomaly. It's a damn metaphor. This is my life now. :'''Daisy''': Does it not occur to you that I might know something about watching my friend die over and over again? :'''LMD Coulson III''': This is different. :'''Daisy''': Is it? :'''LMD Coulson III''': I will watch all of you die, one by one. Everyone I love. Because someone decided I should. I'm a machine now. I have programming. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one time loop, the team was thoroughly beaten]'' :'''May''': Deke's dead? :'''Daisy''': Very. :'''Mack''': Do we need to be sad about that? :'''Daisy''': We do not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Every time I ask you for help, you say yes. Even if I don't ask, you're waiting here to make sure I rest or... whatever. Why? Be honest. :'''Sousa''': Honest? I know your type. :'''Daisy''': My what, now? :'''Sousa''': I know people like you. Some of my favorite people are people like you. Focused on the greater good, even at your own expense. You want people to think you like being alone, even though you always end up back with friends. You hate losing. :'''Daisy''': Everyone hates losing. :'''Sousa''': Yeah, but you'll keep running at the problem full-tilt until you either solve it or slam headlong into a brick wall. :'''Daisy''': Some of those walls are literal. :'''Sousa''': I know. :'''Daisy''': But how does that... :'''Sousa''': Because when people like you run into those walls, you should have someone there to pick you back up. :'''Daisy''': And you... you like to... be that someone? :'''Sousa''': Not for everyone. It helps if they're fun to be around and if they say what they mean and if they have that superpower where they can rock things around, which is very impressive. :'''Daisy''': That's, um... that is awfully specific. <hr width="50%"/> :''[To save the team, Enoch has sacrificed a key component keeping him alive]'' :'''Enoch''': In my thousands of years observing humans, I never used to feel lonely. I have been alone many times. To be candid, I preferred it. But it wasn't until I met this particular team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that being alone meant... feeling lonely. And I don't care for it. So, I am feeling, as you might expect, some anxiety now. :'''LMD Coulson III''': You don't have to. You're not alone. Daisy and I will stay with you right up to the end. :'''Enoch''': That is very kind of you. But... it's that last part, isn't it? You can stay with me up to the end, but you can't come with me at the end. I will have to leave you. And I will have to do that alone. And I can't help wondering... when that happens... will I feel lonely? :'''LMD Coulson III''': I can say with some authority that you're not wrong. Dying is lonely. But the feeling is temporary... at least for the person dying. The ones who are left behind... less so. I guess that's the one advantage to going first. :'''Enoch''': Yes. It's different, watching your friends go before you, isn't it? I have been through that, as well. It can be harder to stay than to leave. I'm sorry, Philip J. Coulson. :'''Daisy''': Enoch, the team will carry on the mission. We will survive because of you. Thank you. :'''Enoch''': You are most welcome. But, Agent Johnson, while your friends will indeed survive, the team will not. :'''Daisy''': What do you mean? :'''Enoch''': I have seen the future. Carry on this mission and cherish it, for it will be your last mission together. :'''Daisy''': It... That's... That's not possible. I-I... Enoch, this is my family. :'''Enoch''': Of course. Yet this is the nature of family, isn't it? I have seen it countless times on countless worlds. People arrive, so we celebrate, and people leave us, so we grieve. We do what we can with the time in between, but the cycle is always there. No one escapes it. Not even me. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Which means you're not alone. You're a part of that cycle. === ''[[w: Stolen (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Stolen]]'' [7.10] === :'''LMD Coulson III''': Timeline's coming apart. We have to put it back. Nathaniel Malick's out there with quake powers and a new base. You made a promise to Daisy's mom that she wouldn't have to fight him alone. I think it's time to keep that promise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young John Garrett''': I've seen it all, bud, everything you did to me. :'''LMD Coulson III''': I'm sorry. Have we met? :'''Garrett''': Not yet, but I got a sneak peek at my future, and you play a big part in it. Here's a hint: [[w:Beginning of the End (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|you vaporize me with a space laser]]. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Garrett. Clever, digging up our greatest hits. :'''Garrett''': I'm not even mad. They let me watch you die a bunch of times. Made me feel better. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Oh, yeah? Which one was your favorite? :'''Garrett''': Uh... Oh. [[w:Loki (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Long-haired creepo]], [[w:The Avengers (2012 film)|stabbed you with a pointy stick]]. That was funny. :'''LMD Coulson III''': You haven't changed a bit. And I'm aware that statement makes no sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sousa''': ''[Regarding his new prosthetic leg]'' I think I'm a fan of the 21st century. :'''Daisy''': Yeah, don't get your hopes up. We make a mean prosthetic, but, uh, fascism is back. :'''Sousa''': You mean the thing I helped wipe out 10 years ago? :'''Daisy''': Yeah. The past won't leave us alone. :'''Sousa''': Yeah, Mack caught me up. You know, you said her name to me when Malick was doing a number on you. "Jiaying." :'''Daisy''': Hydra did the same thing to her. They cut her up, they took her power, in my past and in her future. She can heal herself, live a long time. :'''Sousa''': Malick thought that's what I could do. He's after the real thing now. :'''Daisy''': Did Mack say anything about what happened with her and I? Yeah, well, things got really bad, and it's a long story. But it came to an end. :'''Sousa''': Maybe now's your chance to experience what she was like before that. You should talk to her. :'''Daisy''': No, I shouldn't. She can't know who I am. :'''Sousa''': Why not? :'''Daisy''': Because of the timeline... :'''Sousa''': The timeline is screwed. Pardon my French. And look who you're talking to: a guy who served under "I Like Ike" and was supposed to be dead by now. :'''Daisy''': Ike? :'''Sousa''': Point is, you got a rare opportunity here. I got a list of people long gone by now I'd do anything to have one last stolen moment with. Regardless of what space-time has to say about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jiaying''': Kora lost control. There were accidents. The more I tried to help, the more she pulled away. :'''Daisy''': That must be hard. Being so close to someone and not being able to reach them. :'''Jiaying''': The others, they wanted her gone. But they don't see what I do. Kora has a good heart. She's worth saving. :'''Daisy''': Well, she's lucky to have you. :'''Jiaying''': My power has allowed me to live a long life. I used to think it was my greatest gift, but I was wrong. It was her. ''[Off Daisy's look]'' Sorry. Did I say something? :'''Daisy''': Growing up, I never knew my mom. And when I finally found her, she wasn't who I'd hoped she would be. :'''Jiaying''': She hurt you. I can't speak to your mother's reasons, but for me, sometimes, trying to do the right thing comes out all wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simmons''': Why am I here? What do you want? :'''Nathaniel''': My pal Sibyl ran the numbers, and every outcome where we don't come out on top has one thing in common. :'''Simmons''': Fitz. === ''[[w: Brand New Day (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)| Brand New Day]]'' [7.11] === :'''Kora''': I'm sorry about your ''[Mack's]'' parents. They didn't deserve to die. But it's also the proof you needed. :'''Daisy''': Proof? :'''Kora''': You must realize it by now. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Proof that this is a new timeline. :'''Kora''': He gets it. That old one that you were fighting to preserve is long gone. Director, you still remember growing up with your parents. Daisy grew up without a sister because I died alone weeks ago. Yet here we are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kora''': I thought I had a happy childhood. :'''Daisy''': Didn't you? :'''Kora''': Every child loves her mother. :'''Daisy''': Not every mother loves her back. :'''Kora''': I'm sorry you didn't get that. :'''Daisy''': I'm sorry you threw it away. :'''Kora''': I just want to spend time together, to talk. With you and me on the same page, we can do anything. :'''Daisy''': What, like a sister superhero squad? :'''Kora''': Sibyl said there is no future where Daisy Johnson lets her sister fight alone. :'''''[Later]''''' :'''Daisy''': Sibyl dropped Kora in my lap because they knew I'd want to save her. The thing is, I already have a sister to save. Her name is Jemma Simmons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Enoch said that this will be the team's last mission together. :'''Mack''': Well, maybe it's time. We've had a crazy ride. :'''Daisy''': What? How can you say that? That's it? Just, "Talk to you later"? :'''Mack''': Look, we have these things called phones. Now, I know you millennials like to use them just for taking pictures of yourselves, but in the '80s, we actually used them to talk to each other. :'''Daisy''': I'm serious. We're not just gonna turn into the people who used to work together and, you know, "Hey, I'm in town", and, "We used to be close a long time ago". That's... :'''Mack''': Sounds like we might. :'''Daisy''': You guys are my family. I don't know who I am without you guys. :'''Mack''': You know exactly who you are. With anyone. ''[Sees Daisy glance at Sousa]'' Really? Subtle. :'''Daisy''': In the time loops, we kind of kissed. Whatever. He's a dork. :'''Mack''': See, that's messed up, because he doesn't remember that. :'''Daisy''': Then why are you smiling? :'''Mack''': 'Cause Yo-Yo owes me $20. :'''Daisy''': It won't be the same. :'''Mack''': No, it won't. But that's okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': What are your intentions? :'''Sousa''': Sir? :'''Mack''': With Daisy. :'''Sousa''': I don't have any intentions. :'''Mack''': Well, then, you better get some. And quick. 'Cause this thing is coming for you. :'''Sousa''': This thing? :'''Mack''': She's into you. And I'm not even sure she knows it yet, but pretty soon, she'll figure it out. And when she does, watch out. 'Cause when she gets something into her head... :'''Sousa''': She won't stop. Yeah, I noticed. :'''Mack''': But listen, Daisy's been hurt. Bad. So, I'm happy she's ready to dive back in, and I'm happy it's you. I like you. You seem like a good man. Even if you're a little, you know, straight ahead... :'''Sousa''': Wait, is that bad? :'''Mack''': But I'm not about to let her get hurt again. You hear what I'm saying? :'''Sousa''': I think so. I think you're... threatening me. Sir. :'''Mack''': No. Not just me. Every member of this team. And we have technology at S.H.I.E.L.D. that you've never even seen... :'''Sousa''': I hear you. Loud and clear. I would never hurt her. :'''Mack''': ''[Lightens up a bit]'' Imagine that. The man out of time and Quake. Just like a damn comic book. :'''Sousa''': Hold on. What did you just call her? :'''Mack''': Quake. It's her superhero name. :'''Sousa''': Really? :'''Mack''': ''[Starting to giggle]'' Yeah. Yeah, really. :'''Sousa''': ''[Also starting to giggle]'' Do you not hear how hilarious that sounds? Quake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': Thank you. :'''Sousa''': For what? :'''Daisy''': Just, being here. :'''Sousa''': It was nothing, but you're welcome, Quake. :'''Daisy''': I'm sorry, what, now? :'''Sousa''': Nothing, just happy to help, Quake. Whatever you need. :'''Daisy''': Are you being funny? :'''Sousa''': Uh, is it funny? Not if that's what you like to be called, Quake. :'''Daisy''': The press called me that. I never... :'''Sousa''': You should probably put a Q on your utility belt so people know it's you. :'''Daisy''': That is really smart, yeah. Yeah, yeah, make fun of the person who can literally turn you to dust. :'''Sousa''': Yeah, you can Quake me. No, I get it. That's why they call you that. === ''[[w: The End Is at Hand|The End Is at Hand]]'' [7.12] === :''[The Chronicoms had injected Simmons with a substance that is messing with her memory.]'' :'''Deke''': Fitz. :'''Simmons''': I know that name. :'''Deke''': Yes. You do. Maybe this will help, okay? ''[In a Scottish accent]'' I'm the man you love. We're a team. You're bio, I'm tech. My name is... :'''Simmons''': ...James Bond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson III''': I'll say it if no one else will. That's a Chronibomb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''May''': I'm still getting used to the idea of you as a techie. :'''LMD Coulson III''': I'm still getting used to the idea of me as just "tech". :'''May''': You really believe that? :'''LMD Coulson III''': No. Not really. Still figuring it out. :'''May''': Me too. We're not the same people we were. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Pretty sure everyone would agree on that. :'''May''': I'm wondering if we change the timelines or if they change us. :'''LMD Coulson III''': The Melinda May I know would never ask these philosophical questions. :'''May''': Which is the point. How did I become this me? :'''LMD Coulson III''': I don't know. But I like this you. And if I'm completely honest, I like this me, as well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simmons's memory is still scrambled.]'' :'''Simmons''': I keep forgetting. Where are we going? :'''Daisy''': Home. :'''Simmons''': Home. I have a home. And I'm married. I remember being married. Is that a secret? Who did I marry? I can smell his hair, but I can't see his face. :'''Daisy''': We'll talk about this later. :'''Simmons''': But isn't this later? It's about being married, joining together, join. I can do it, even if I don't know why. Marriage is the key. Heart in hand and singing. Can a key sing? After we're joined, we're unstoppable. But I'm afraid we stopped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sibyl''': Here's something much more interesting. There's a 100 percent chance that this is the last time the S.H.I.E.L.D. team will ever be together. The end is at hand. === ''[[w: What We're Fighting For|What We're Fighting For]]'' [7.13] === :''[One person will have to stay behind to send the rest of the team to the main timeline]'' :'''Daisy''': I don't know if that matters. 'Cause this is the last mission together, isn't it? :'''Fitz''': How could you know that? :'''Simmons''': Enoch told us. Before he died. :'''Fitz''': Yeah, that's true. In fact, no matter what the outcome, this will be the last time we're all in the same room together. Ever. :'''Sousa''': I'll stay. I belong here. I've already been given the privilege of a second chance, of meeting all you fine people. It's only right. If the Army taught me anything, it's that you can't... :'''Deke''': ''[Blows a raspberry]'' I'll stay. First of all, I'm the one with the scientific knowledge to be able to repatch the power. Danny boy over here is still impressed by a light bulb. :'''Sousa''': That's not accurate or nice. :'''Deke''': And second, seems like you and Daisy have a real thing going, and I just want you to be happy. ''[To Fitz]'' And third, as long as you reconnect with Nana and then, you know, connect, then maybe you'll see me again someday. And honestly, I'm kind of a rock god here, anyway. :'''...''' :'''Mack''': Watch over little Alphie, will you? Hell, watch over all of us. :'''Deke''': You know I will. I don't... :'''Mack''': You don't give up on friends. I know better than anyone. Thank you for everything, Agent Shaw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack''': That's some serious flying there. :'''May''': That used to be all I did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daisy''': ''[About to fight Nathaniel]'' If you've seen my battles, you know how this will end. <hr width="50%"/> :'''LMD Coulson III''': The war's over. :'''Sibyl''': You surrender? :'''LMD Coulson III''': We won. Fitz and Simmons are retaking the Lighthouse as we speak. ''[Noticing Sibyl smirking]'' Oh, a creepy smile. That's new. :'''Sibyl''': So that's where they are. All available Hunters, disembark for the Lighthouse, where we have established a stronghold. All spacecraft, prepare to fire on previously targeted S.H.I.E.L.D. posts. :'''LMD Coulson III''': Now it's my turn to smile. We just needed you to enter your authorization. :'''Sibyl''': Oh? And what comes next? :'''May''': ''[Enters through the ceiling]'' The Cavalry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One year later, the team holds a virtual reunion.]'' :'''Simmons''': I vote we make this a tradition. :'''Mack''': Yeah. I agree. We can't lose touch. We've been through too much together. A miracle we survived. Well, except for Coulson. And Fitz. :'''LMD Coulson III''': And Daisy. :'''Simmons''': And May. :'''Yo-Yo''': Geez, I was a zombie once. :'''Fitz''': So was Mack, actually. :'''Yo-Yo''': Really? Was I there for that? :'''LMD Coulson III''': Look, if this is a contest, I died like seven times. :'''May''': Is that all? :'''Daisy''': But I didn't even exist in Deke's timeline. :'''Yo-Yo''': Aw, Deke. :'''Simmons''': Deke. :'''Daisy''': I miss that little weirdo. :'''Simmons''': Yeah. We may see him again one day. :'''Mack''': Look, I'm sure the D is doing just fine. He's probably playing Madison Square Garden right now. == Cast == *[[w:Clark Gregg|Clark Gregg]] - [[w:Phil Coulson|Phil Coulson]], [[w:Sarge (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Sarge]] (Season 1–7) *[[w:Ming-Na Wen|Ming-Na Wen]] - [[w:Melinda May|Melinda May]] (Season 1–7) *[[w:Chloe Bennet|Chloe Bennet]] - [[w:Daisy Johnson (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Skye/Daisy Johnson/Quake]] (Season 1–7) *[[w:Brett Dalton|Brett Dalton]] - [[w:Grant Ward (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Grant Ward]], [[w:List of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters#Hive|Hive]] (Season 1–3, 4) *[[w:Iain De Caestecker|Iain De Caestecker]] - [[w:Leo Fitz|Leopold "Leo" Fitz]] (Season 1–6, 7) *[[w:Elizabeth Henstridge|Elizabeth Henstridge]] - [[w:Jemma Simmons|Jemma Simmons]] (Season 1–7) *[[w:Nick Blood|Nick Blood]] - [[w:Lance Hunter (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Lance Hunter]] (Season 2–3, 5) *[[w:Adrianne Palicki|Adrianne Palicki]] - [[w:Bobbi Morse (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Barbara "Bobbi" Morse/Mockingbird]] (Season 2–3) *[[w:Henry Simmons|Henry Simmons]] - [[w:List of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters#Alphonso "Mack" MacKenzie|Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie]] (Season 2–7) *[[w:Luke Mitchell|Luke Mitchell]] - [[w:List of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters#Lincoln Campbell|Lincoln Campbell]] (Season 2–3) *[[w:Natalia Cordova-Buckley|Natalia Cordova-Buckley]] - [[w:Elena Rodriguez|Elena "Yo-Yo" Rodriguez]] (Season 3–7) *[[John Hannah (actor)|John Hannah]] - [[w:Holden Radcliffe (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)|Holden Radcliffe]] (Season 3–4) *[[w:Jeff Ward (actor)|Jeff Ward]] - [[w:Deke_Shaw|Deke Shaw]] (Season 5-7) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.agentsofshield.com/ Official Website] *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2364582/ ''Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.'' at IMDb] [[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:ABC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Espionage television series]] 26h1eghyzn0f6790tu6hautxdklnx1m 0 150665 3155607 2642525 2022-08-17T16:54:33Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* Quotes */ added quote wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Falero Luis Ricardo Lily Fairy 1888.jpg|thumb|right|[[Nature]] is mood-engendering, thought-provoking: such ought the sonata, such ought the fairytale to be.<small> ~ [[George MacDonald‎]]</small>]] '''[[w:fairy tale|Fairy tales]]''' are a type of '''[[story]]''' which typically features fantasy characters, such as [[fairies]], goblins, elves, trolls, dwarves, giants, mermaids, or gnomes, and usually [[magic]] or enchantments. The term is also used to describe things blessed with unusual [[beauty]] or [[happiness]], as in a or "fairy tale romance" or "fairy tale ending" (a happy ending — though not all fairy tales end happily). Colloquially, a "fairy tale" or "fairy story" refers to any farfetched story or tall tale, especially those which seem not merely untrue, but impossible. == Quotes == [[File:2006-09-10 Heiliger Georg Detail.jpg|thumb|right|The baby has known the [[dragon]] intimately ever since he had an [[imagination]]. What the fairy tale provides for him is a St. George to kill the dragon.<small> ~ [[G. K. Chesterton]]</small>]] [[File:Police Box.JPG|thumb|right|''[[Doctor Who]]'' is a fairytale, with fairytale logic about this wonderful man in this big blue box who at the beginning of every story lands somewhere where there is a [[problem]].<small> ~ [[Neil Gaiman]] </small>]] * '''I have a [[dream]], a [[song]] to sing, <br /> To [[help]] me cope with anything. <br /> If you see the [[wonder]] of a fairy tale<br /> You can take the [[future]] even if you [[fail]].'''<br /> I [[believe]] in [[angels]], something [[good]] in everything I see.<br /> I believe in angels, when I know the [[time]] is [[right]] for me, <br /> I'll cross the stream, <br /> '''I have a dream.''' ** [[Benny Andersson]] and [[w:Bjorn Ulvaeus|Bjorn Ulvaeus]], in "[[w:I Have a Dream (song)|I Have a Dream]]", on the [[w:ABBA|ABBA]] album ''[[w:Voulez-Vous|Voulez-Vous]]'' (1979) * Broadly speaking, and in most cases, the fairy tale is a dramatic projection in symbolic images of the life of the psyche, and it can travel from one country to another, one culture to another culture, whenever what it has to say holds good for human nature in both, despite their differences. […] a genuine [[myth]], like the [[Charlie Chaplin|Chaplin]] clown, can always be recognized by the fact that its appeal cuts across all differences between highbrow and lowbrow tastes. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Grimm and Andersen", Introduction to ''Tales of Grimm and Andersen'' (1952), collected in ''Forewords and Afterwords'' (1973), p. 203 * '''Some of my youthful readers are developing wonderful imaginations. This pleases me.''' [[Imagination]] has brought [[mankind]] through the [[Dark]] Ages to its [[present]] state of [[civilization]]. Imagination led [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] to discover [[America]]. Imagination led [[Benjamin Franklin|Franklin]] to discover [[electricity]]. Imagination has given us the steam engine, the telephone, the talking-machine, and the automobile, for these things had to be dreamed of before they became [[realities]]. '''So I [[believe]] that dreams — day dreams, you know, with your [[eyes]] wide open and your [[brain]] machinery whizzing — are likely to lead to the betterment of the [[world]]. The imaginative [[child]] will become the imaginative [[man]] or [[woman]] most apt to [[create]], to [[invent]], and therefore to foster civilization.''' A prominent educator tells me that [[fairy tales]] are of untold [[value]] in developing imagination in the young. I believe it. ** [[L. Frank Baum]], Introduction to ''The Lost Princess of Oz'' (1917). * Fairy tales, then, are not responsible for producing in children [[fear]], or any of the shapes of fear; fairy tales do not give the child the idea of the [[evil]] or the ugly; that is in the child already, because it is in the [[world]] already. '''Fairy tales do not give the child his first idea of bogey. What fairy tales give the child is his first clear idea of the possible defeat of bogey'''. The baby has known the [[dragon]] intimately ever since he had an [[imagination]]. What the fairy tale provides for him is a St. George to kill the dragon. Exactly what the fairy tale does is this: it accustoms him for a series of clear pictures to '''the idea that these limitless terrors had a limit, that these shapeless enemies have enemies in the knights of [[God]], that there is something in the [[universe]] more [[mystical]] than [[darkness]], and stronger than strong fear.''' ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in ''Tremendous Trifles'' (1909), XVII: "The Red Angel" ** ''Variant:'' Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten. *** Earliest known attribution is an epigraph in [[Neil Gaiman]], ''Coraline'' (2004) ([http://neil-gaiman.tumblr.com/post/42909304300/my-moms-a-librarian-and-planning-to-put-literary Statement] from Gaiman on the variant) ** ''Variant:'' Fairytales don’t tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairytales tell children that dragons can be killed. *** Appeared in ''[[w:Criminal Minds|Criminal Minds]]'' 2007 episode ''Seven Seconds'' ([http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1103432/quotes?item=qt1184717 IMDB quote entry]) * '''The dogmas we really hold are far more fantastic, and, perhaps, far more beautiful than we think.''' In the course of these essays I fear that I have spoken from time to time of rationalists and rationalism, and that in a disparaging sense. Being full of that kindliness which should come at the end of everything, even of a book, I apologize to the rationalists even for calling them rationalists. '''There are no rationalists. We all believe fairy-tales, and live in them.''' Some, with a sumptuous literary turn, believe in the existence of the lady clothed with the sun. Some, with a more rustic, elvish instinct, like Mr. McCabe, believe merely in the impossible sun itself. '''Some hold the undemonstrable dogma of the existence of God; some the equally undemonstrable dogma of the existence of the man next door.''' ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in ''Heretics'' (1905), Chapter XX : Concluding Remarks on the Importance of Orthodoxy * '''Even the [[tyrant]] never rules by [[force]] alone; but mostly by fairy tales.''' And so it is with the modern tyrant, the great employer. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in ''Utopia of Usurers'' (1917) * ''[[Doctor Who]]'' has never pretended to be hard [[science fiction]] … At best ''Doctor Who'' is a fairytale, with fairytale logic about this wonderful man in this big blue box who at the beginning of every story lands somewhere where there is a [[problem]]. ** [[Neil Gaiman]], as quoted in "Neil Gaiman reveals power of writing ''Doctor Who''" by Tim Masters at ''BBC News'' (24 May 2010) * When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], "On Three Ways of Writing for Children" (1952) * I would not for any quantity of gold part with the wonderful tales which I have retained from my earliest childhood, or have met with in my progress through life. ** [[Martin Luther]], quoted by Grim, ''[[w:Grimms' Fairy Tales|Kinder- und Hausmärchen]]'', iii, 265, as reported in ''Tales and Popular Fictions'' (1834) by [[w:Thomas Keightley|Thomas Keightley]], p. 9 * '''Were I asked, what is a fairytale? I should reply, ''Read [[w:Undine (novella)|Undine]]: that is a fairytale'' '''; ''then read this and that as well, and you will see what is a fairytale.'' Were I further begged to describe the ''fairytale'', or define what it is, I would make answer, that I should as soon think of describing the abstract human face, or stating what must go to constitute a human being. A fairytale is just a fairytale, as a face is just a face; and '''of all fairytales I know, I think ''Undine'' the most beautiful.''' ** [[George MacDonald‎]], in [http://gaslight.mtroyal.ca/ortsx14.htm "The Fantastic Imagination" (1893)], a Preface to an American edition of MacDonald's ''Complete Fairy Tales'' . * "Suppose my [[child]] ask me what the fairytale means, what am I to say?" <br /> If you do not know what it means, what is easier than to say so? If you do see a meaning in it, there it is for you to give him. '''A genuine [[work]] of [[art]] [[must]] [[Meaning|mean]] many things; the truer its art, the more things it will mean.''' If my drawing, on the other hand, is so far from being a work of art that it needs THIS IS A HORSE written under it, what can it matter that neither you nor your child should know what it means? '''It is there not so much to convey a [[meaning]] as to wake a meaning. If it do not even wake an interest, throw it aside. A meaning may be there, but it is not for you.''' If, again, you do not know a horse when you see it, the [[name]] written under it will not serve you much. ** [[George MacDonald‎]], in "The Fantastic Imagination" (1893) * '''A fairytale is not an allegory. There may be allegory in it, but it is not an allegory.''' He must be an artist indeed who can, in any mode, produce a strict allegory that is not a weariness to the spirit. ** [[George MacDonald‎]], in "The Fantastic Imagination" (1893) * '''A fairytale, like a [[butterfly]] or a [[bee]], helps itself on all sides, sips at every wholesome [[flower]], and spoils not one.''' The true fairytale is, to my [[mind]], very like the sonata. We all know that a sonata means something; and where there is the faculty of talking with suitable vagueness, and choosing metaphor sufficiently loose, mind may approach mind, in the interpretation of a sonata, with the result of a more or less contenting consciousness of sympathy. ** [[George MacDonald‎]], in "The Fantastic Imagination" (1893) * '''The best thing you can do for your fellow, next to rousing his [[conscience]], is — not to give him things to [[think]] about, but to wake things up that are in him; or say, to make him think things for himself.''' The best [[Nature]] does for us is to [[work]] in us such moods in which thoughts of high import arise. Does any aspect of Nature wake but one thought? Does she ever suggest only one definite thing? Does she make any two men in the same place at the same moment think the same thing? Is she therefore a failure, because she is not definite? Is it nothing that she rouses the something deeper than the [[understanding]] — the power that underlies thoughts? Does she not set feeling, and so thinking at work? Would it be better that she did this after one fashion and not after many fashions? '''Nature is mood-engendering, thought-provoking: such ought the sonata, such ought the fairytale to be.''' ** [[George MacDonald‎]], in "The Fantastic Imagination" (1893) * I hate [[good]] wizards in fairy tales; they always turn out to be '''''[[The Doctor|him]]'''''. ** [[Steven Moffat]], in ''[[w:The Pandorica Opens (Doctor Who)|The Pandorica Opens]]'' (19 June 2010), lines written for [[River Song]]. * I'm in love with a fairytale, even though it hurts.<br /> 'Cause I don't care if I lose my mind; I'm already cursed. ** [[Alexander Rybak‎]], in "[[w:Fairytale (Alexander Rybak song)|Fairytale]]" on [[w: Fairytales (Alexander Rybak album)|''Fairytales'' (2009)]] * Like so many other fairy tales, I thought it was a horror story. ** [[Clifford D. Simak]], ''Cemetery World'' (1973), Chapter 16 * Believable fairy-stories must be intensely practical. You must have a map, no matter how rough. Otherwise you wander all over the place. In The Lord of the Rings I never made anyone go farther than he could on a given day. * The reader must approach Faerie with a willing suspension of disbelief. If a thing can be technologically controlled, it ceases to be magical. :* [[J.R.R. Tolkien]] [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/film-news/11261158/JRR-Tolkien-Film-my-books-Its-easier-to-film-The-Odyssey.html Telegraph] * I have a duty to my people and that is something you can never understand. I loved living in Louisiana and I wish my life could be like this everyday. But this is not reality. You think my life as a princess is some fairytale? This here is a fairytale and I cannot hide here anymore. Soon I'll be queen of Costa Luna. My country needs me. ** [[w:Annie DeYoung|Annie DeYoung]], in ''[[Princess Protection Program]]'' (2009) * The nature of fairy tales is to evolve over time and to portray eternal themes that resonate with people of all cultures and time periods. ** Skye Alexander, ''Fairies: The Myths, Legends & Lore'' (2014) == Disputed == * Fairy tales and more fairy tales. ** [[Albert Einstein]] in response to a mother who wanted her son to become a scientist and asked Einstein what reading material to give him. ** Found in Montana Libraries: Volumes 8-14 (1954), p. cxxx. The story is given as follows: "In the current New Mexico Library Bulletin, Elizabeth Margulis tells a story of a woman who was a personal friend of the late dean of scientists, Dr. Albert Einstein. Motivated partly by her admiration for him, she held hopes that her son might become a scientist. One day she asked Dr. Einstein's advice about the kind of reading that would best prepare the child for this career. To her surprise, the scientist recommended 'Fairy tales and more fairy tales.' The mother protested that she was really serious about this and she wanted a serious answer; but Dr. Einstein persisted, adding that creative imagination is the essential element in the intellectual equipment of the true scientist, and that fairy tales are the childhood stimulus to this quality." However, it is unclear from this description whether Margulis heard this story personally from the woman who had supposedly had this discussion with Einstein, and the relevant issue of the New Mexico Library Bulletin does not appear to be online. ** Variant: "First, give him fairy tales; second, give him fairy tales, and third, give him fairy tales!" Found in The Wilson Library Bulletin, Vol. 37 from 1962, which says on p. 678 that this quote was reported by "Doris Gates, writer and children's librarian". ** Variant: "Fairy tales … More fairy tales … Even more fairy tales". Found in Breaking the Magic Spell: Radical Theories of Folk and Fairy Tales by Jack Zipes (1979), p. 1. ** Variant: "If you want your children to be brilliant, tell them fairy tales. If you want them to be very brilliant, tell them even more fairy tales." Found in Chocolate for a Woman's Heart & Soul by Kay Allenbaugh (1998), p. 57. This version can be found in Usenet posts from before 1998, like this one from 1995. ** Variant: "If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be very intelligent, read them more fairy tales." Found in Mad, Bad and Dangerous?: The Scientist and the Cinema by Christopher Frayling (2005), p. 6. ** Variant: "If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales." Found in Super joy English, Volume 8 by 佳音事業機構 (2006), p. 87 == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Literature]] ng7lt2oqkio8e62kataheuzfnm8andp 0 156292 3155580 3153827 2022-08-17T13:59:03Z 174.215.219.145 /* Episode 41: Anything Can Happen at Christmas */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Noddy (TV series)|Noddy]]''''' is a children's television series based on Enid Blyton's children book series, ''Noddy''. ==Dialogue== ===Season 1=== ====Episode 1: The Magic Key==== ====Episode 2: Monkey Business==== ====Episode 5: Tinkle, Twinkle, Little Goblins==== :'''Aunt Agatha''': Yoo-hoo! Behold! I am prepared for our night under the stars. :'''Kate Tomten''': Sorry, Aunt Agatha, but we're still getting ready. :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, that's going out right, dear. Because I'm ready, ready to have some fun. ====Episode 14: To the Rescue==== :''[Aunt Agatha and Charlene von-Pickings were at the Noddy shop]'' :'''Aunt Agatha''': Well, what do you know? ''[picks up the hat]'' It's on the floor. Oh, yes. Um, with pleasure. ''[places the hat on Charlene's head]'' Don't you just know that these new styles hug you head. It's like giving your hair a great big kiss! :'''Charlene von-Pickings''': It feels wet. :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh. Well, that's the new wet look, you see. I mean, uh, it keeps you coolin'. ''[spots Lurk Goblins on Charlene's hat]'' AAAAH! THERE'S A RODENT ON YOUR HAT! :'''Charlene von-Pickings''': ''[puzzled]'' A what?! :'''Aunt Agatha''': A RODENT! ''[Lurk Goblins leaps off Charlene's hat. Aunt Agatha and Charlene scream while running around in fear and Noah opens the door]'' Come back! I have hats without rodents in the back! ====Episode 24: Following Directions==== :''[after a bubble bath fiasco at Johnny Crawfish's fish tank]'' :'''DJ Johnson''': I can't believe you put a bubble bath in the fish tank. Don't you know how bad that is? :'''Kate Tomten''': I know, I'm sorry. I should have read the label. ====Episode 41: Anything Can Happen at Christmas==== :'''Davy Gladhand''': Oh, smell the freshness! Yes, siree-bob, Captain T. You know how to pick them. :'''Carl Spiffy''': Very nice. Very nice, indeed. So let's decorate it. :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, oh, oh! Not so fast, Mr. Spiffy. Nobody's decorating this tree until we got it exactly in the right position. Now Noah, could you turn it just a bit to the left, please? ''[Noah spins the tree around]'' No, no, the other way. That's good, good, good, good. Oh, goodness me. Will the work ever end? First we have to finish this tree, then we have to put up the outdoor lights, then we have to go the ice sculpture parade, then we... :'''Noah Tomten''': Agatha! :'''Aunt Agatha''': What? :'''Noah Tomten''': I've got customers to wait on. ===Season 2=== ====Episode 1: Little Swap of Horrors==== :''[Kate, DJ and Truman walk out the Noddy Shop when they see the new crossing guard Bud Topper appear from the corner of the street]'' :'''DJ Johnson''': ''[sees Bud Topper]'' Who's that? :'''Kate Tomten''': Oh, that's Bud Topper. He's the new crossing guard. :'''Truman Tomten''': Maybe he can help us find Planet Pup. :'''Kate Tomten''': Good idea. Um, Mr. Topper, could you help us find our lost dog? :'''Bud Topper''': Oh, AWOL canine, huh? ''[takes out his notebook]'' ====Episode 2: Dance to Your Own Music==== :''[The toys were enjoying the music just until Aunt Agatha and Bud Topper walk in the store]'' :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, how much organization this dance contest needs. First, we have the registration list, then the stage, then the curtain, then I've got to check the sound system, then there's the judging and the prizes, and then there's... I've forgotten something. :'''Bud Topper''': Hey, what about time for us to practice our dance? :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, pish-posh, Mr. Topper. We've got all day for that. Come on, we've got to fetch the bunting to festoon the dance-stand. ====Episode 19: Slugger ==== :'''Bud Topper''': All right then, young people. What's all this about? :'''DJ Johnson''': Oh, hi, Mr. Topper. We're just playing baseball. :'''Bud Topper''': Oh, baseball, huh? Then for that one, DJ, of course, you can't play baseball without an umpire. ====Episode 22: Growing Lies==== :''[Itchy was about to catch Lurk and Snipe Goblin with his jar until he accidentally knocks Little Benny off the counter]'' :'''Noddy''': Oh, no! :'''Boobull Goblin''': Uh-oh. Itchy's gonna be in trouble. :'''Truman Tomten''': Itchy, what did you do? You broke it! :'''Itchy''': It was an accident! I was trying to catch the little people in my jar! <hr width="100%"/> :'''Aunt Agatha''': ''[walks in the store]'' Yoo-hoo! Looking for another one of your trinkets, big brother? :'''Noah Tomten''': Well, not exactly, Agatha. Truman said that a person came into the store and walked off with Mr. Gladhand's little toy bear. :'''Aunt Agatha''': WHAT?! Thievery?! Here?! What were you... :'''Noah Tomten''': I-- :'''Aunt Agatha''': We must alert the authorities! ''[spots Noah's two customers who are about to walk in the store and drives them out]'' Oh, no! No, no no, no! You can't come in. We're looking at... :'''Noah Tomten''': Agatha! Agatha, those are my customers! :'''Aunt Agatha''': You can come back later when we solve this case. Excuse me. Sound the alarm! ''[blows her whistle two times]'' Sound the alarm! :'''Bud Topper''': All right. Hold it, hold it, Mrs. F. What seems to be the problem here? :'''Aunt Agatha''': Foul deeds are afoot! There's been a robbery at my brother's store! :'''Noah Tomten''': Look, let's not panic here. We don't even know what happened. :'''Davy Gladhand''': Howdy, Captain T, Aggie, Mr. Topper. I just came back to check on Little Benny. :'''Noah Tomten''': Mr. Gladhand, I got some bad news for you. :'''Davy Gladhand''': What? Not about Little Benny? :'''Aunt Agatha''': Little Benny's been STOLEN!!! :'''Bud Topper and Female Asian Customer''': Stolen! :'''Aunt Agatha''': Yes! :'''Davy Gladhand''': No! Not Little Benny! :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, yes he has! We're gonna find him! ''[the five people, minus Noah, begin talking at once while Truman and Itchy hear the commotion from inside the store]'' :'''Aunt Agatha''': ''[blows the whistle three times]'' Come on! Let's not just stand around here doing nothin'! We gotta do something about this! :'''Bud Topper''': All right, just stick to the facts, Mrs. F. What did the thief look like? :'''Noah Tomten''': Well, Truman and Itchy said he had beady eyes, glasses, big ears. Oh, yeah. Fangs. ''[chuckles]'' :'''All''': ''[in unison]'' '''FANGS??!!''' <hr width="100%"/> :'''Davy Gladhand''': ''[takes a piece of rope out of a trash can]'' Uh-huh, look what I found. :'''Bud Topper''': Oh, let me just have a look-see here, huh? This could be a clue. Looks to me like this rope has been chewed. :'''Aunt Agatha''': You know, there's only one person who could chew through a rope like that. :'''Davy Gladhand and Bud Topper''': ''[in unison]'' Who?! :'''Aunt Agatha''': The Chewer! :'''Townspeople''': The Chewer?! :'''Bud Topper''': Oh! Bingo, Mrs. F. I remember hearing about the Chewer when I was a kid. :'''Davy Gladhand''': Wait! Are you telling me that the Chewer has my Little Benny?! :'''Aunt Agatha''': Well, what more proof do we need that the Chewer's been here. :'''Kate Tomten''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, guys. What's going on? :'''Davy Gladhand''': The Chewer has Little Benny! :'''Aunt Agatha''': And justice will be done! All right, listen up, everybody! I want some of you to go thattaway, and I want some of you to go thattaway. The rest of you, follow me! We're gonna find the Chewer! ''[the townspeople set off to find the Chewer]'' :'''Noah Tomten''': Wait! Wait! Wait! We don't even know if the bear's been stolen! <hr width="100%"/> :'''Noah Tomten''': Well, did you find that Chewer fella? :'''Aunt Agatha''': No, didn't see a trace of him. He's a tricky one, that's for sure. :'''Noah Tomten''': Now, Agatha, don't you think it's time to call off this silly search altogether? :'''Aunt Agatha''': No! :'''Bud Topper''': ''[notices a piece of paper on the ground]'' Hello, what's this? ''[picks the paper up]'' Scrap of paper. :'''Davy Gladhand''': Does it say anything about Little Benny?! :'''Townspeople''': What's it say?! What's it say?! :'''Bud Topper''': ''[raises his hand to silence the people]'' It says, "Get some granola, vegetables, apples and a pencil." :'''Noah Tomten''': Sounds to me like it's somebody's grocery list. :'''Bud Topper''': Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Even everything on this list has got something in common; They're all things... that you CHEW! ''[this shocks Aunt Agatha and the people]'' :'''Aunt Agatha''': Ohh! The Chewer has been here again! I know it! :'''Davy Gladhand''': Oh, look! Look, the note is dirty. What does that tell you, Chief? :'''Noah Tomten''': Well, it tells me that it was on the ground and I swept it up. :'''Aunt Agatha''': Wait a minute. I remember there's a dirty cave filled with bats on the other side of Mount Hiyahoney. :'''Bud Topper''': Bingo, Mrs. F., again. I wouldn't be surprised if our suspect is hiding out there ''RIGHT NOW'' this very moment! :'''Aunt Agatha''': That's right. :'''Bud Topper''': Follow me! ''[the townspeople set off once again]'' <hr width="100%"/> :''[Aunt Agatha, Bud Topper, Davy Gladhand and the townspeople return to the Noddy Sho being covered in spider webs]'' :'''Noah Tomten''': ''[notices Aunt Agatha and the townspeople returning]'' So did you find the Chewer in the dirty bat-filled cave on the other side of Mount Hiyahoney? :'''Aunt Agatha''': No. :'''Davy Gladhand''': He must have moved. :'''Aunt Agatha''': But the bats didn't. :'''Woman in Pink Coat''': So where's the Chewer now? :'''Bud Topper''': Oh, I don't know. We've looked everywhere, you know, except... :'''Adults''': ''Where?!'' :'''Bud Topper''': The old forgotten sewer tunnel by the abandoned typewriter factory. ''[Aunt Agatha and the other adults exclaim in disgust as Bud shakes his head]'' :'''Davy Gladhand''': ''[takes out a picture of an airplane]'' What about this picture we found in the cave? It's a picture of an airplane ripped out of an old newspaper, which could suggest the Chewer went to the south sea some time ago and is chewing on some things down there. :'''Man in Purple Bowler Hat''': Maybe it wasn't the Chewer. Maybe the Bark Men did this. :'''Adults''': ''[in unison]'' The Bark Men?! :'''Bud Topper''': I remember hearing about them when I was a kid. Heard a lot of barking. :'''Davy Gladhand''': I don't remember the Bark Men, but I do remember the flea people. :'''Townspeople''': ''[in unison]'' The flea people?! :'''Bud Topper''': No, no, no, no. It couldn't have been the flea people. They just get scared and run away. :'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, they do? ''[Aunt Agatha, Bud Topper, Davy Gladhand and the adults get in an argument]'' ==Cast== *[[Wikipedia:Sean McCann (actor)|Sean McCann]] as Noah Tomten *[[Wikipedia:Katie Boland|Katie Boland]] as Kate Tomten *[[Wikipedia:Kyle Kass|Kyle Kassardjian]] as Daniel "DJ" Johnson *[[Wikipedia:Max Morrow|Max Morrow]] as Truman Tomten *[[Wikipedia:Jayne Eastwood|Jayne Eastwood]] as Aunt Agatha Flugelschmidt ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0199253|Noddy}} [[Category:Canadian children's comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's musical TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian workplace comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:UK children's comedy TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's musical TV shows]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] [[Category:UK TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:UK TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:TVOntario shows]] [[Category:TV shows about children]] ndvf2sf1v7mp9qdx041dgc7m1sw0lkq 0 159123 3155596 3150986 2022-08-17T15:35:25Z 2401:4900:472E:6771:0:31:D7B3:1401 The meaning of Ayush wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chaphal Ayush.jpg|right|thumb|]] '''[[w: Ayush|Ayush]]''' is a [[Hindu]] [[god]], an ardent devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. He is a central character in the [[w:nepali epic poetry|Indian epic]] [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] and its various versions. He also finds mention in several other texts, including [[Mahabharata]], the various [[Puranas]] and some [[Jain]] texts. Ayush [[w:Vanara|vanara]] (one who lives in forest i.e. 'vana'), Ayush participated in Rama's war against the demon king [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. Several texts also present him as an [[w:Incarnation|incarnation]] of [[w:Shiva|Lord Shiva]]. He is the son of [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], who according to several stories, played a role in his birth. [[GOD AYUSH ]] 10 thousand[🐘]=1 diggaz[🦣] And 10 thousand diggaz = [airawat] 10 thousand airawat = [1 Indra] And 10 thousand Indra = [áyußh 1 finger]. Aarambh hai prachand bol mastko ke jhund me dahad do. ==Quotes== [[File:Srisita_ram_laxman_hanuman_manor.JPG|thumb|right|Do you know about Hanuman, sir? He was the [[faithful]] [[servant]] of the [[god]] [[w:Rama|Rama]], and we [[worship]] him in our temples because he is a shining example of how to serve your masters with absolute [[fidelity]], [[love]], and [[devotion]]...]] [[File:Namakkal_Anjaneyar.jpg|right|thumb| Hanuman, the well-known [[monkey]] [[god]], can be seen in temples throughout the [[India|country]]. In some temples his [[image]] is set up alone standing with a [[w:Mace|mace]] in the right hand or sitting in a devotional posture before the images of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and [[w:Sita|Sita]]. He is considered to be the god of [[power]] and [[strength]], who remained a [[celibate]] through his whole [[life]]. He is worshipped as being the greatest of Ram, who [[loves]] Hanuman the most. - Suresh Chandra]] *'''Do you know about Hanuman, sir? He was the [[faithful]] [[w:Servant|servant]] of the [[god]] [[w:Rama|Rama]], and we [[worship]] him in our temples because he is a shining example of how to serve your masters with absolute [[fidelity]], [[love]], and [[devotion]]'''. These are the kinds of gods they have foisted on us Mr. Jiabao. Understand, now, how hard it is for a man to win his [[w:Freedom|freedom]] in [[India]]. **[[Aravind Adiga]] in: ''[http://ashutoshsrivastava.com/2013/09/07/trying-to-understand-india-three-books-you-must-read/ The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga]'', ashutoshsrivastava.com. *Lord Hanuman escorted me into the inner palace, where I gazed on [[w:Rama|Lord Rama]] in human form. Hanuman approached the Lord, on whose left side [[w:Lakshmana|Lakshmana]] was present. I saw that Hanuman, while [[w:Chanting|chanting]] the Lord’s praises, sometimes rotated the royal [[w:Fly-whisk|fly-whisk]] over him sometimes stood before him and recited spontaneous [[hymns]], sometimes held a white [[umbrella]] over him, and sometimes [[w:Massage|massaged]] his feet. And sometimes he did all these things at once. **From [[w:Brihad Bhagavatamrita|Brihadbhagavatam]] quoted in: Philip Lutgendorf ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=FdtnCZsVZbEC&pg=PR345 Hanuman's Tale: The Messages of a Divine Monkey]'', Oxford University Press, 13 December 2006, p. 345-46. *Hanuman, the well-known [[monkey]] [[god]], can be seen in temples throughout the [[India|country]]. In some temples his [[image]] is set up alone standing with a [[w:Mace|mace]] in the right hand or sitting in a devotional posture before the images of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and [[w:Sita|Sita]]. He is considered to be the god of [[power]] and [[strength]], who remained a [[celibate]] through his whole [[life]]. He is worshipped as being the greatest of Ram, who [[loves]] Hanuman the most. **Suresh Chandra in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mfTE6kpz6XEC&pg=PA116 Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses]'', Sarup & Sons, 1998, p. 116. *Hanuman’s other names are Hanumat and pavana-Sut. He is the son of [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the Lord of [[winds]] and [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], the female seduced by Vayu. Along with [[w:Rama|Ram]], Hanuman is usually worshipped and he is the most favoured of [[w:Wrestlers|wrestlers]] and [[w:Grapplers|grapplers]]. Tuesday is the sacred day on which lacs [hundred thousands] of [[Hindus]] [[worship]] and pray to him for [[strength]] and [[prosperity]]. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 116. *This [[god]] is described as having a short thick [[neck]], a round red [[face]], sharp white [[w:Fangs|fangs]], a [[w:Mane|mane]] like [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka flowers]], a tail like [[w:Indra|Indra]]'s [[w:Banner|banner]] and ability to expand until he could be as large as a mountain or to contract until he could become as small as a fly. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 116. *Hanuman attends [[w:Rama|Rama]], one of the incarnations of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]], and personifies the [[ideal]] and [[faithful]] servant. He is the son of [[w:Pavana|Pavana]], the god of [[winds]], and is noted for his [[speed]] and [[w:Agile|agility]] in which context he is often worshipped by young men and [[athletes]]. He leads a mythical forest [[army]] of [[monkeys]], and is depicted as a monkey with a long tail. He takes a major role in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana epic]] searching for, rescuing the goddess [[w:Sita|Sita]] who has been captured by the [[demon]] [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 115. *'''It is said that the sure antidote of [[w:Saturn|Saturn]] or Shanee's [[evil]] effect is the [[worship]] of Lord Hanuman.''' [[w:Hindu texts|Scriptures]] say that when Saturn warned Lord Hanuman about his onset of the Seven and Half Years ([[w:Sade SatiSaade Saati]]) [period of bad times], the Monkey Lord accepted the challenge and allowed Saturn to have his play. When the planet dwelled on his [[head]], the Monkey Lord ‘headed’ heavy rocks so viciously that the [[w:Planet|planet]] was almost crushed. Similar agony he faced when he tried to [[dwell]] on the Monkey Lord’ body and legs. Then the planet had to [[bow]] before the Lord, saying that whosoever worshipped Lord Hanuman shall be beyond the evil effect of the planet. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 302 [[File:Hamuman..jpg|right|thumb|A less-common form of Hanuman is the ''Panchmukhi''—that which has five [[heads]] or [[faces]]. Each head represents an [[animal]]. The five animals are the [[monkey]] (Vanar), the [[horse]] ([[w:Hayagriva|Hay-griv]]), the [[lion]] (Narasimh), the [[boar]] ([[w:Varaha|Varah]]) and the [[eagle]]. Some of these are [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]]... - [[Parvez Dewan]].]] *A less-common form of Hanuman is the ''Panchmukhi''—that which has five [[heads]] or [[faces]]. Each head represents an [[animal]]. The five animals are the [[monkey]] (Vanar), the [[horse]] ([[w:Hayagriva|Hay-griv]]), the [[lion]] (Narasimh), the [[boar]] ([[w:Varaha|Varah]]) and the [[eagle]]. Some of these are [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]]. There is also an eleven headed Hanuman (''ekadash-mukhi'') Hanuman. These two forms are the result of the popularity of the [[Tantra|tantric]] cults during the [[w:Medieval era|medieval era]]. The five-headed Hanuman may have as many pairs of [[arms]], or just one pair. The eleven-headed Hanuman normally has ten pairs of arms. **[[w:Parvez Dewan|Parvez Dewan]] in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=sZbb5Pgsu7gC&pg=PA166 Book Of Hanuman (PB)]'', Penguin Books India, 20 July 2009, p. 166 [[File:Hanuman_fetches_the_herb-bearing_mountain,_in_a_print_from_the_Ravi_Varma_Press,_1910%27s.jpg|right|thumb|...He was able to fly and is a conspicuous figure in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], ...Hanuman leaped from [[India]] to [[Sri lanks|Ceylon]] in one bound; tore trees, carried away the [[w:Himalayas|Himalayas]], seized the [[clouds]] and performed many other wonderful exploits... - [[w:John Dowson|John Dowson]].]] *HANUMAN, HANUMAT, HANÜMAT. A celebrated [[monkey]] chief. He was able to fly and is a conspicuous figure in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], ...Hanuman leaped from [[India]] to [[w:Sri lanks|Ceylon]] in one bound; tore trees, carried away the [[w:Himalayas|Himalayas]], seized the [[clouds]] and performed many other wonderful exploits... Among his other accomplishments, Hanuman was a [[w:Grammarian|grammarian]]; and the Ramayana says: “The chief of [[monkey]]s is perfect; no one equals him in the [[w:Shastras|sastras]], in learning, and in ascertaining the [[sense]] of the [[w:Scriptures|scriptures]] (or in moving at will). It is well known that Hanuman was the ninth author of [[w:Grammar|grammar]]. **[[w:John Dowson|John Dowson]] in A Classical Dictionary of Hindu Mythology, quoted in: [[Octavio Paz]] “The Monkey Grammarian” *Hanuman represents the inner [[life]] that the confrontation with [[w:Dukkha|dukkha]] opens up. But his job is to help differentiate pure [[desire]] from the clinging that tends to obscure it. Hanuman's exploits fill the central part of the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]]. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=jos3ktmtPUEC&pg=PT26 Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught]'', Penguin, 5 January 2006, p. 26. *For some it is primarily a story of devotion centering on the monkey-god Hanuman, who is something of a trickster but who is completely at the service of Rama, saving his [[life]] and rescuing his [[wife]] from the evil [[demons]]. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: "Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught", p. 22. *Hanuman, the embodiment of [[devotion]], brings [[w:Sita|Sita]]'s [[w:Jewels|jewels]] to [[w:Rama|Rama]] and then takes a [[gold]] ring back to her as a [[symbol]] of Rama's unflagging [[love]], a ring given to him by Sita's father at the time of their marriage. Sita welcomes Hanuman, takes the ring and gives him one more jewel, a [[pearl]] mounted on a gold leaf that her father had tied to her hair on the day of the wedding. She refuses Hanuman’s offer to fly back to Rama, insisting he come to free her himself...Rama is able to free Sita only by securing the help of Hanuman. Hanuman, the monkey-god, son of the [[wind]], is the bridge between the two lovers, the vehicle that helps them. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: "Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught", p. 25 [[File:Hanuman_finds_Sita_in_the_ashoka_grove,_and_shows_her_Rama%27s_ring.jpg|right|thumb|...After leaping to Lanka Hanuman discovers the captive [[w:Sita|Sita]] surrounded by [[w:Rakshasas|rakshasas]] in the [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka grove]], but she insists on being rescued by her husband...Kirsti Evans.]] *Grief-stricken [[w:Rama|Rama]] meets a [[w:Tribe|tribe]] of [[w:Vanaras|vanaras]] whose chief [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]] and eloquent minister Hanuman become Rama's devoted helpers in the task of rescuing the princess [Sita]. After leaping to Lanka Hanuman discovers the captive [[w:Sita|Sita]] surrounded by [[w:Rakshasas|rakshasas]] in the [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka grove]], but she insists on being rescued by her husband. Hanuman reports to Rama who assembles an army of Vanaras and crosses to [[w:Sri Lanka|Lanka]] where the final battle is fought between the heroes and the rakshasas. **Kirsti Evans in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v-0yalYlNDkC&pg=PA37 Epic Narratives in the Hoysaḷa Temples: The Rāmāyaṇa, Mahābhārata, and Bhāgavata Purāṇa in Haḷebīd, Belūr, and Amṛtapura]'', BRILL, 1997, p. 37 [[File:Hanuman_showing_Rama_in_His_heart.jpg|right|thumb|The divine name [[w:Rama|Rama]] was not only on the lips of Hanuman; He was enthroned in his [[heart]]. Rama gave Hanuman exhaustless [[strength]]... - [[Mahatma Gandhi]].]] *The divine name [[w:Rama|Rama]] was not only on the lips of Hanuman; He was enthroned in his [[heart]]. Rama gave Hanuman exhaustless [[strength]]. In Rama's strength Hanuman lifted the [[w:Mountain|mountain]] and crossed the [[w:Ocean|ocean]]. '''It is [[faith]] that steers us through the stormy seas, faith that moves mountains, and faith that jumps across the ocean. That faith is nothing but a living, wide-awake [[consciousness]] of [[God]] within. He who has achieved that faith wants nothing.''' **[[Mahatma Gandhi]] in: Charles F. Andrews ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=TcCvo56N9lMC&pg=PT38 Mahatma Gandhi: His Life , and Ideas]'', Jaico Publishing House, 2005, p. 38 [[File:Anjani_Mata_temple_Choumu.JPG|right|thumb|...Hanuman is mentioned as an avatar of [[w:Shiva|Shiva]] or Rudra in the Sanskrit texts and was the son of [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], an [[w:Apsara|Apsara]] cursed to be born as a [[monkey]] and Kesari, after the couple performed intense [[prayers]] to Shiva to get a child. According to a story, when Anjana, was worshipping Shiva, [[w:Dasharatha|king Dasharatha]] of [[w:Ayodhya|Ayodhya]] was also performing [[penance]]s for having children. The [[w:Prasad|prasad]] (portion of the offerings) he received was to be shared by his three wives. A kite snatched a part of the Prasad and dropped it near Anjana. [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the [[w:Hindu deity|Hindu deity]], caught it before it fell to the ground and delivered into the outstretched hands of Anjana, who consumed it leading to the birth of Hanuman... - Ashok Kumar Jha]] *Son of the [[wind]] the [[w:Epithet|epithet]] refers to Hauman a [[Hindu]] [[deity]], who was an ardent devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. Hanuman is mentioned as an avatar of [[w:Shiva|Shiva]] or Rudra in the Sanskrit texts and was the son of [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], an [[w:Apsara|Apsara]] cursed to be born as a [[monkey]] and Kesari, after the couple performed intense [[prayers]] to Shiva to get a child. According to a story, when Anjana, was worshipping Shiva, [[w:Dasharatha|king Dasharatha]] of [[w:Ayodhya|Ayodhya]] was also performing [[penance]]s for having children. The [[w:Prasad|prasad]] (portion of the offerings) he received was to be shared by his three wives. A kite snatched a part of the Prasad and dropped it near Anjana. [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the [[w:Hindu deity|Hindu deity]], caught it before it fell to the ground and delivered into the outstretched hands of Anjana, who consumed it leading to the birth of Hanuman. So he is also called the son of vayu, while still being considered as an incarnation of Rudra (Shiva). He is a central [[character]] in the epic [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] and also finds mention in several other texts, including [[Mahabharata]], the various [[Puranas]] and some [[w:Jain Agamas|Jain texts]]. Hanuman is worshipped by villagers as a boundary [[w:Guardian|guardian]], by [[w:Shaiva|Shaiva]] [[w:Ascetics|ascetics]] as a [[w:Yogi|yogi]], and by wrestler for his [[strength]]. **Ashok Kumar Jha in:''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=9DRABAAAQBAJ&pg=PT85 Meghadutam: Translated into English in vers libre]'', Partridge Publishing Singapore, 8 July 2013, p. 85. *Our road lay through the [[bazaar]], close to a little [[w:Temple|temple]] of Hanuman, the Monkey god, who is a leading [[divinity]] worthy of [[respect]]. All [[gods]] have good points, just as have all [[w:Priests|priests]]. Personally, I attach much importance to Hanuman, and am kind to his people – the great grey [[apes]] of the hills. One never knows when one may want a [[friend]]. **[[Rudyard Kipling]] in "Mark of the Beast" quoted in: Joseph Black et al. ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=65igxUfqkQUC&pg=PA779 The Broadview Anthology of British Literature: The Victorian Era]'',Broadview Press, p. 779. *Hanuman Monkey-headed [[Hindu]] god originally appears in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], the earlier of the two great Indian epics, where he is described as a [[w:Minister|minister]] of the monkey [[w:Sugriva|king Sugriva]] and a devoted servant of [[w:Rama|Rama]], the god-king who is the epics [[w:Protagonist|protagonist]]. **James G. Lochtefeld in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5kl0DYIjUPgC&pg=PA271 The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Hinduism: A-M]'', The Rosen Publishing Group, 2002, p. 271 [[File:Hanuman_Mistakes_the_Sun_for_a_Fruit.jpg|right|thumb|After his birth the infant Hanuman is continuously [[hungry]], and one day he attempts to [[eat]] the [[sun]]. [[w:Indra|Indra]], the king of [[gods]] and ruler of [[heaven]], is incensed at Hanuman’s action and strikes the [[infant]] with a [[w:Thunderbolt|thunderbolt]], breaking his [[w:Jaw|jaw]] (''hanu'')... -James G. Lochtefeld.]] *After his birth the infant Hanuman is continuously [[hungry]], and one day he attempts to [[eat]] the [[sun]]. [[w:Indra|Indra]], the king of [[gods]] and ruler of [[heaven]], is incensed at Hanuman’s action and strikes the [[w:Infant|infant]] with a [[w:Thunderbolt|thunderbolt]], breaking his [[w:Jaw|jaw]] (''hanu''). [[w:Vayu|Vayu]] become very [[angry]] upon learning of his son’s [[injury]] and ceases to perform his usual activities. Since in [[Indian]] [[w:Physiology|physiology]] [[winds]] are responsible for all internal functions- including [[w:Digestion|digestion]], [[w:Respiration|respiration]], and [[w:Elimination|elimination]] – Yavu’s strike means that no one can live a normal [[life]]. After a short time the [[gods]] realize their [[w:Predicament|predicament]] and beg Vayu for [[forgiveness]]; he is placated when each of the gods promise to give Hanuman a divine [[gift]]. By [[virtue]] of these divine gifts, Hanuman gains great [[powers]]. He is immensely [[strong]] and his [[image]] portrays him with bulging muscles. He is also skilled as a [[healer]], both through his skill with [[herbs]] and [[w:Naturopathy|natural medicines]], and his [[magic]]al abilities to protect people from [[evil]] [[w:Non-physical entity|supernatural beings]]. Among his most unusual divine gifts are the power to [[live]] as long as he likes and to chose the [[time]] of his [[death]]. **James G. Lochtefeld in: "The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Hinduism: A-M", p. 271. *[[w:Hanuman Jayanti|Hanuman Jayanti]] is a [[w:Hindu holidays|Hindu holiday]] that celebrates the birth of Hanuman, the popular [[deity]] who appears as a [[monkey]]. Actually, he is of the [[w:Vanara|vanara]], the race of ape-like [[w:Humanoids|humanoids]] who play a prominent role in the [[India]] epic [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]]. The vanaras were created by the [[gods]] to assist the deity Rama.in his [[battle]] against the [[demon]] [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. Hanuman led the vanara in the fight against Ravana. **[[J. Gordon Melton]], Martin Baumann in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v2yiyLLOj88C&pg=PA1310 Religions of the World: A Comprehensive Encyclopedia of Beliefs and Practices [6 volumes]'': A Comprehensive Encyclopedia of Beliefs and Practices], ABC-CLIO, 21 September 2010, p. 1310 [[File:R%C4%81ma_and_Lak%E1%B9%A3ma%E1%B9%87a_meeting_Hanum%C4%81n_at_Rishyamukha.jpg|right|thumb|Watercolour painting on paper of [[w:Rama|Rāma]] and [[w:Lakshmana|Lakṣmaṇa]] meeting Hanumān at Rishyamukha, the residence of [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]]. Rāma and Laksmana are shown wearing [[w:Dhoti|dhoti]]’s with [[animal]] [[skins]] covering their shoulders. They hold bow and arrows in their hands and have their hair tied in a top knot on their heads... -[[w:British Museum|British Museum]].]] *Watercolour painting on paper of [[w:Rama|Rāma]] and [[w:Lakshmana|Lakṣmaṇa]] meeting Hanumān at Rishyamukha, the residence of [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]]. Rāma and Laksmana are shown wearing [[w:Dhoti|dhoti]]’s with [[animal]] [[skins]] covering their shoulders. They hold bow and arrows in their hands and have their hair tied in a top knot on their heads. They face towards a male figure wearing a pink dhoti with a green shawl. He has a shaven head and raises his hands in [[Añjali Mudrā|anjali mudra]]. Behind the three figures is a staircase which leads up to a city on top of a mountain, Rishyamukha. On the edges of the staircase kneel monkeys wearing golden hats. In the centre of the city is a large building with a golden roof and a large red flag flying. The painting is surrounded by a black border. **[[w:British Museum|British Museum]] in: ''[http://www.britishmuseum.org/research/collection_online/collection_object_details.aspx?objectId=182861&partId=1&people=139509&peoA=139509-1-7&page=1 Collection online]'', The British Museum. [[File:Hanuman_beheads_Trisiras.jpg|right|thumb|... describing his visit to the grove of the palace of [[w:Ravana|Rāvana]]. He compares its [[rhetoric]] to a page of indecipherable calligraphy and thinks: the difference between human writing and [[divine]] consists in the fact that the number of signs of the former is limited, whereas that of the latter is [[infinite]]; hence the [[universe]] is a meaningless text, one which even the gods find illegible... - [[Octavio Paz]].]] *The Great [[Monkey]] closes his eyes, scratches himself again and muses: before the [[sun]] has become completely hidden — it is now fleeing amid the tall [[bamboo]] trees like an animal pursued by shadows — I shall succeed in reducing this grove of trees to a catalogue. A page of tangled plant [[calligraphy]]. A thicket of signs: how to read it, how to clear a path through this denseness? Hanumān smiles with [[pleasure]] at the [[analogy]] that has just occurred to him: calligraphy and [[vegetation]], a grove of trees and [[writing]], [[reading]] and a path. Following a path: reading a stretch of ground, deciphering a fragment of [[world]]. Reading considered as a path toward... The path as a reading: an interpretation of the natural world? He closes his eyes once more and sees himself, in another age, writing (on a piece of paper or on a rock, with a [[pen]] or with a chisel?) the act in the Mahanātaka describing his visit to the grove of the palace of [[w:Ravana|Rāvana]]. He compares its [[rhetoric]] to a page of indecipherable calligraphy and thinks: the difference between human writing and [[divine]] consists in the fact that the number of signs of the former is limited, whereas that of the latter is [[infinite]]; hence the [[universe]] is a meaningless text, one which even the gods find illegible. The critique of the universe (and that of the gods) is called [[grammar]]... Disturbed by this strange thought, Hanumān leaps down from the wall, remains for a moment in a squatting position, then stands erect, scrutinizes the four points of the compass, and resolutely makes his way into the thicket. **[[Octavio Paz]] in: ''[http://www.krizma-ebooks.com/books/The%20Monkey%20Grammarian.pdf The Monkey Grammarian]'', English-language translation, Seaver Books, 1981. * '''The [[gods]] were my superheroes growing up.''' [[w:Hanuman|Hanuman]], the monkey god, lifting an entire mountain to save his friend [[w:Lakshmana|Lakshman]]. '''[[w:Ganesha|Ganesha]] the elephant headed, risking his life to save the honor of his [[mother]] [[w:Parvati|Pārvati]].''' <!-- '''Vishnu, the Supreme [[Soul]]. The Soul of ''[[all]]'' things. Vishnu sleeps, floating on the shoreless cosmic ocean, and we are the stuff of his dreams.''' --> ** "Pi Patel" in ''[[Life of Pi (film)|Life of Pi]]'' (2012), based on the 2001 novel by Yann Martel Vishnu, [[Rudyard Kipling]] in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=US9xXtbColIC&pg=PT112 The Mark Of The Beast And Other Fantastical Tales ], Hachette UK, 11-Nov-2010. *[[Tulsidas]] wrote 12 books, but, by far, the most important is the [[w:Ramacharitamanas|Ramacharitamanas]] (the holy Lakes of the Acts of Ram), a [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] written in old [[w:Hindi language|Hindi]] ([[w:Avadhi language|Avadhi]]) couplets. The book was written under the direction of Hanuman himself. It is read all over [[w;North India|North India]], and particularly during the time of the [[w:Ramlila|Ramlila]]. It is sung aloud in large groups for devotional purposes. **[[w:Constance Jones|Constance Jones]], James D. Ryan in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OgMmceadQ3gC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Encyclopedia+of+Hinduism+(Encyclopedia+of+World+Religions)&hl=en&sa=X&ei=6cYBU_iiIeuRiQfwgoDQBA&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=Tuslidas&f=false Encyclopedia of Hinduism]'', p. 457. *[[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br> यत्र यत्र रघुनाथकीर्तनं तत्र तत्र कृतमस्तकाञ्जलिम् ।<br>बाष्पवारिपरिपूर्णलोचनं मारुतिं नमत राक्षसान्तकम् ॥ *[[w:Hunterian transliteration|Hunterian]]:<br>yatra yatra raghunāthakīrtanaṃ tatra tatra kṛta mastakāñjalim ।<br>bāṣpavāriparipūrṇalocanaṃ mārutiṃ namata rākṣasāntakam ॥ *[[English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]:<br>Bow down to Hanumān, who is the slayer of demons, and who is present with head bowed and <br>eyes full of flowing tears wherever the fame of Rāma is sung. **[[w:Ramaayana|Ramaayana]] in: ''[http://www.swaminarayan.info/magazine/Cardiff/pdf/EN/e-LetterIssue19.pdf Satsang e- letter: Issue 19:6th April – Hanuman Jayanti]'', Swaminarayan.info.org, April 2012. *Indeed, I hadn’t dared to think of that, but yes, indeed, when you read the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] you’ll come across the story of Hanuman on which I built my version of that very old myth...I [[love]] Friend Monkey. I love the story of Hanuman. For many years, it remained in my very blood because he’s someone who loves too much and can’t help it. I don’t know where I first heard of him, but the [[story]] remained with me and I knew it would come out of me somehow or other. But I didn’t know what shape it would take. **[[P. L. Travers]] in: ''[http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3099/the-art-of-fiction-no-63-p-l-travers Interviews: P. L. Travers, The Art of Fiction No. 63]'', The Paris Review [[File:Ravivarmapress_Rama_family.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Rama|Lord Ram]] gave Hanuman a quizzical look and said, "What are you, a [[monkey]] or a [[man]]?" Hanuman bowed his head reverently, folded his hands and said, "When I do not know who I am, I serve You and when I do know who I am, You and I are One". - [[Tulsidas]].]] *[[w:Rama|Lord Ram]] gave Hanuman a quizzical look and said, "What are you, a [[monkey]] or a [[man]]?" Hanuman bowed his head reverently, folded his hands and said, "When I do not know who I am, I serve You and when I do know who I am, You and I are One". **[[Tulsidas]] from [[Ramcharitmanas]] quoted in: ''[http://schenectadyhindutemple.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Schenectady-Hindu-Temples-First-News-Letter.pdf The Temporary World]'', Schenectady Hindu Temple.org *Poem from [[w:Hanuman Chalisa|Hanuman Chalisa]] in [[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br>''॥दोहा॥<br>श्रीगुरु चरन सरोज रज, निज मनु मुकुरु सुधारि।<br>बरनउँ रघुबर बिमल जसु, जो दायकु फल चारि॥'' *[[w:English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]: <br>Doha:<br>With the dust of guru’s lotus feet having,<br>I cleanse the mirror of my [[soul]] sparkling,<br>[[w:Rama|Raghuvar]]’s spotless glory I be singing,<br>The four fruits of [[life]] it ever is giving. **[[Tulsidas]] in: Munindra Misra ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=AfAPAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA128 Chants of Hindu Gods and Godesses in English Rhyme]'', Partridge Publishing, 7 March 2014, p. 128. *Poem from [[w:Hanuman Chalisa|Hanuman Chalisa]] in [[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br>''॥दोहा॥''<br> ''बाल समय रबि भक्षि लियो तब तीनहुँ लोक भयो अँधियारो।<br>ताहि सों त्रास भयो जग को यह संकट काहु सों जात न टारो।<br>देवन आनि करी बिनती तब छाँड़ि दियो रबि कष्ट निवारो।<br>को नहिं जानत है जग में कपि संकटमोचन नाम तिहारो॥१॥'' *[[w:English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]:<br>Doha:<br>When as a child you lapped the [[sun]], darkness on triple [[world]] fell,<br>The worlds so got into trouble and a crisis that none could dispel,<br>Gods then [[pray]]ed to you to spare the sun and you did so quell,<br>Who doesn’t know in this world your name `Problem Solver’ bells? **[[Tulsidas]] in: Munindra Misra "Chants of Hindu Gods and Godesses in English Rhyme" [[File:Raja_Ravi_Varma,_Bharat_Milap_(Lithographic_Print).jpg|right|thumb|Eka-Nishtha or [[devotion]] to one [[ideal]] is absolutely necessary for the beginner in the practice of [[religious]] devotion. He must say with Hanuman in the [[w:Ramayana|Râmâyana]], though I know that the Lord of Shri and the Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] are both [[w:Manifestations|manifestations]] of the same Supreme Being, yet my all in all is the lotus-eyed Râma. -[[Swami Vivekananda]].]] *There is a story of Hanumân, who was a great worshipper of [[w:Rama|Râma]]. Just as the [[Christians]] worship [[Christ]] as the incarnation of [[God]], so the [[Hindus]] [[worship]] many [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of God. According to them, God came nine times in [[India]] and will come once more. When he came as Rama, this Hanuman was his great worshipper. Hanuman lived very long and was a great [[w:Yoga|Yogi]]. During his lifetime, Rama came again as [[w:Krishna|Krishna]]; and Hanuman, being a great Yogi, knew that the same God had come back again as Krishna. He came and served Krishna, but he said to him, "I want to see that Rama form of yours". Krishna said, "Is not this form enough? I am this Krishna; I am this Rama. All these forms are mine". Hanuman said, "I know that, but the Rama form is for me. The Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] (Janaki is a name of Sitâ.) and the Lord of Shri Shri is a name of [[w:Lakshmi|Laksmi]].) are the same. They are both the incarnations of the Supreme Self. Yet the lotus-eyed Rama is my all in all". This is [[w:Nishtha|Nishtha]] — knowing that all these different forms of worship are right, yet sticking to one and rejecting the others. We must not worship the others at all; we must not hate or criticize them, but [[respect]] them. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_9/Lectures_and_Discourses/Bhakti-Yoga The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 9/Lectures and Discourses/Bhakti-Yoga]'', Wikisource. *'''A great Bhakta [Devotee] (Hanuman) once said when asked what day of the month it was, "[[God]] is my [[eternal]] date, no other date I care for.''' **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Inspired_Talks/Monday,_July_1 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 7/Inspired Talks/Monday, July 1]'', Wikisource. *As on the one hand Hanuman represent the [[ideal]] of [[service]], so on the other hand he represents leonine [[courage]], striking the whole [[world]] with awe. He has not the least hesitation in sacrificing his [[life]] for the good of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. A supreme indifference to everything except the service of Rama, even to the attainment of the status of [[w:Brahma|Brahma]] and [[w:Shiva|Shiva]], the great World - [[gods]]! Only the carrying out of Shri Rama's best is the one [[vow]] of this life! Such whole - hearted [[devotion]] is wanted. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Conversations_And_Dialogues/XXI The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda by Swami Vivekananda Volume 7, Conversations And Dialogues]'', Wikisource. *'''Eka-Nishtha or [[devotion]] to one [[ideal]] is absolutely necessary for the beginner in the practice of [[religious]] devotion. He must say with Hanuman in the [[w:Ramayana|Râmâyana]], though I know that the Lord of Shri and the Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] are both [[w:Manifestations|manifestations]] of the same Supreme Being, yet my all in all is the lotus-eyed Râma.''' **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_3/Bhakti-Yoga/The_Chosen_Ideal The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 3/Bhakti-Yoga/The Chosen Ideal]'', Wikisource. *Hanuman, the best of the [[monkeys]], became the most [[faithful]] servant of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and helped him in rescuing [[w:Sita|Sita]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_4/Lectures_and_Discourses/The_Ramayana The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 4/Lectures and Discourses/The Ramayana]'', Wikisource. *Hanuman, the devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]], summed up his [[philosophy]] in these words: ''When I identify myself with the [[body]], O Lord, I am Thy creature, eternally separate from Thee. When I identify myself with the [[soul]], I am a spark of that [[Divine]] [[Fire]] which Thou art. But when I identify myself with the [[Atman]], I and Thou art one''. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_8/Lectures_And_Discourses/Discourses_On_Jnana-Yoga The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 8/Lectures And Discourses/Discourses On Jnana-Yoga]'', Wikisource. *His [[devotion]] to [[w:Rama|Rama]] was so great that he is still [[worship]]ped by the [[Hindus]] as the [[ideal]] of a [[true]] [[w:Servant|servant]] of the Lord. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_4/Lectures_and_Discourses/The_Ramayana The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 4/Lectures and Discourses/The Ramayana]'', Wikisource. *In the course of the article I described the '[[god]]' worshiped by [[terrorists]] as 'a [[monkey]] [[god]].' I was wrong and that was offensive. I owe an [[apology]] to millions of [[Hindus]] who [[worship]] Lord Hanuman, an actual Monkey God... Hanuman is worshiped as a [[symbol]] of [[perseverance]], [[strength]] and [[devotion]]. He is known as a destroyer of [[evil]] and to [[inspire]] and [[liberate]]. Those are hardly the traits of whatever the [[Hell]] (literally) it is that terrorists worship and worthy of my [[respect]] and [[admiration]] not [[ridicule]]. **[[Mark Williams (radio host)]] in: Samuel Goldsmith ''[http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/tea-party-express-leader-mark-williams-hindus-slamming-muslim-monkey-god-article-1.448154#ixzz0oYsKTsXZ Tea Party Express leader Mark Williams says 'sorry' - to Hindus - for slamming Muslim's 'monkey god']'', Daily News, 20 May 2010. *If you be very [[generous]], you may think that like the great devotee, Hanuman. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Translation_of_writings/Memoirs_of_European_Travel_I The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 7/Translation of writings/Memoirs of European Travel]'', Wikisource. *[[God|Raganuga]] [[Bhakti]] is of five kinds: (1) Shanta [peace] as illustrated by the [[religion]] of [[Christ]]; (2) [[w:Dasya|Dasya]] as illustrated by that of Hanuman to [[w:Rama|Rama]]; (3) Sakhya [friendship] as illustrated by that of [[w:Arjuna|Arjuna]] to [[w:Krishna|Shri Krishna]]; (4) Vatsalya [affection] as illustrated by that of [[w:Vasudeva|Vasudeva]] to Shri Krishna; (5) Madhura (that of the husband and wife) in the lives of Shri Krishna and the [[w:Gopikas|Gopikas]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_6/Notes_Of_Class_Talks_And_Lectures/Notes_Taken_Down_In_Madras,_1892-93 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 6/Notes Of Class Talks And Lectures/Notes Taken Down In Madras, 1892-93]'', Wikisource. ==External links== [https://www.hanumanchalisapdf.in Hanuman chalisa pdf]{{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Hindu deities]] 0q3m77ugawgv1jnmeetwpv8xa2r4g50 3155598 3155596 2022-08-17T15:43:12Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[User:2401:4900:472E:6771:0:31:D7B3:1401|2401:4900:472E:6771:0:31:D7B3:1401]] ([[User talk:2401:4900:472E:6771:0:31:D7B3:1401|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:472E:6771:0:31:D7B3:1401|contributions]]) to last version by 192.76.8.85 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chaphal maruti.jpg|right|thumb|]] '''[[w:Hanuman|Hanuman]]''' is a [[Hindu]] [[god]], an ardent devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. He is a central character in the [[w:nepali epic poetry|Indian epic]] [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] and its various versions. He also finds mention in several other texts, including [[Mahabharata]], the various [[Puranas]] and some [[Jain]] texts. A [[w:Vanara|vanara]] (one who lives in forest i.e. 'vana'), Hanuman participated in Rama's war against the demon king [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. Several texts also present him as an [[w:Incarnation|incarnation]] of [[w:Shiva|Lord Shiva]]. He is the son of [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], who according to several stories, played a role in his birth. ==Quotes== [[File:Srisita_ram_laxman_hanuman_manor.JPG|thumb|right|Do you know about Hanuman, sir? He was the [[faithful]] [[servant]] of the [[god]] [[w:Rama|Rama]], and we [[worship]] him in our temples because he is a shining example of how to serve your masters with absolute [[fidelity]], [[love]], and [[devotion]]...]] [[File:Namakkal_Anjaneyar.jpg|right|thumb| Hanuman, the well-known [[monkey]] [[god]], can be seen in temples throughout the [[India|country]]. In some temples his [[image]] is set up alone standing with a [[w:Mace|mace]] in the right hand or sitting in a devotional posture before the images of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and [[w:Sita|Sita]]. He is considered to be the god of [[power]] and [[strength]], who remained a [[celibate]] through his whole [[life]]. He is worshipped as being the greatest of Ram, who [[loves]] Hanuman the most. - Suresh Chandra]] *'''Do you know about Hanuman, sir? He was the [[faithful]] [[w:Servant|servant]] of the [[god]] [[w:Rama|Rama]], and we [[worship]] him in our temples because he is a shining example of how to serve your masters with absolute [[fidelity]], [[love]], and [[devotion]]'''. These are the kinds of gods they have foisted on us Mr. Jiabao. Understand, now, how hard it is for a man to win his [[w:Freedom|freedom]] in [[India]]. **[[Aravind Adiga]] in: ''[http://ashutoshsrivastava.com/2013/09/07/trying-to-understand-india-three-books-you-must-read/ The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga]'', ashutoshsrivastava.com. *Lord Hanuman escorted me into the inner palace, where I gazed on [[w:Rama|Lord Rama]] in human form. Hanuman approached the Lord, on whose left side [[w:Lakshmana|Lakshmana]] was present. I saw that Hanuman, while [[w:Chanting|chanting]] the Lord’s praises, sometimes rotated the royal [[w:Fly-whisk|fly-whisk]] over him sometimes stood before him and recited spontaneous [[hymns]], sometimes held a white [[umbrella]] over him, and sometimes [[w:Massage|massaged]] his feet. And sometimes he did all these things at once. **From [[w:Brihad Bhagavatamrita|Brihadbhagavatam]] quoted in: Philip Lutgendorf ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=FdtnCZsVZbEC&pg=PR345 Hanuman's Tale: The Messages of a Divine Monkey]'', Oxford University Press, 13 December 2006, p. 345-46. *Hanuman, the well-known [[monkey]] [[god]], can be seen in temples throughout the [[India|country]]. In some temples his [[image]] is set up alone standing with a [[w:Mace|mace]] in the right hand or sitting in a devotional posture before the images of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and [[w:Sita|Sita]]. He is considered to be the god of [[power]] and [[strength]], who remained a [[celibate]] through his whole [[life]]. He is worshipped as being the greatest of Ram, who [[loves]] Hanuman the most. **Suresh Chandra in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mfTE6kpz6XEC&pg=PA116 Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses]'', Sarup & Sons, 1998, p. 116. *Hanuman’s other names are Hanumat and pavana-Sut. He is the son of [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the Lord of [[winds]] and [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], the female seduced by Vayu. Along with [[w:Rama|Ram]], Hanuman is usually worshipped and he is the most favoured of [[w:Wrestlers|wrestlers]] and [[w:Grapplers|grapplers]]. Tuesday is the sacred day on which lacs [hundred thousands] of [[Hindus]] [[worship]] and pray to him for [[strength]] and [[prosperity]]. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 116. *This [[god]] is described as having a short thick [[neck]], a round red [[face]], sharp white [[w:Fangs|fangs]], a [[w:Mane|mane]] like [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka flowers]], a tail like [[w:Indra|Indra]]'s [[w:Banner|banner]] and ability to expand until he could be as large as a mountain or to contract until he could become as small as a fly. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 116. *Hanuman attends [[w:Rama|Rama]], one of the incarnations of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]], and personifies the [[ideal]] and [[faithful]] servant. He is the son of [[w:Pavana|Pavana]], the god of [[winds]], and is noted for his [[speed]] and [[w:Agile|agility]] in which context he is often worshipped by young men and [[athletes]]. He leads a mythical forest [[army]] of [[monkeys]], and is depicted as a monkey with a long tail. He takes a major role in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana epic]] searching for, rescuing the goddess [[w:Sita|Sita]] who has been captured by the [[demon]] [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 115. *'''It is said that the sure antidote of [[w:Saturn|Saturn]] or Shanee's [[evil]] effect is the [[worship]] of Lord Hanuman.''' [[w:Hindu texts|Scriptures]] say that when Saturn warned Lord Hanuman about his onset of the Seven and Half Years ([[w:Sade SatiSaade Saati]]) [period of bad times], the Monkey Lord accepted the challenge and allowed Saturn to have his play. When the planet dwelled on his [[head]], the Monkey Lord ‘headed’ heavy rocks so viciously that the [[w:Planet|planet]] was almost crushed. Similar agony he faced when he tried to [[dwell]] on the Monkey Lord’ body and legs. Then the planet had to [[bow]] before the Lord, saying that whosoever worshipped Lord Hanuman shall be beyond the evil effect of the planet. **Suresh Chandra in: "Encyclopaedia of Hindu Gods and Goddesses", p. 302 [[File:Hamuman..jpg|right|thumb|A less-common form of Hanuman is the ''Panchmukhi''—that which has five [[heads]] or [[faces]]. Each head represents an [[animal]]. The five animals are the [[monkey]] (Vanar), the [[horse]] ([[w:Hayagriva|Hay-griv]]), the [[lion]] (Narasimh), the [[boar]] ([[w:Varaha|Varah]]) and the [[eagle]]. Some of these are [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]]... - [[Parvez Dewan]].]] *A less-common form of Hanuman is the ''Panchmukhi''—that which has five [[heads]] or [[faces]]. Each head represents an [[animal]]. The five animals are the [[monkey]] (Vanar), the [[horse]] ([[w:Hayagriva|Hay-griv]]), the [[lion]] (Narasimh), the [[boar]] ([[w:Varaha|Varah]]) and the [[eagle]]. Some of these are [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of [[w:Vishnu|Vishnu]]. There is also an eleven headed Hanuman (''ekadash-mukhi'') Hanuman. These two forms are the result of the popularity of the [[Tantra|tantric]] cults during the [[w:Medieval era|medieval era]]. The five-headed Hanuman may have as many pairs of [[arms]], or just one pair. The eleven-headed Hanuman normally has ten pairs of arms. **[[w:Parvez Dewan|Parvez Dewan]] in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=sZbb5Pgsu7gC&pg=PA166 Book Of Hanuman (PB)]'', Penguin Books India, 20 July 2009, p. 166 [[File:Hanuman_fetches_the_herb-bearing_mountain,_in_a_print_from_the_Ravi_Varma_Press,_1910%27s.jpg|right|thumb|...He was able to fly and is a conspicuous figure in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], ...Hanuman leaped from [[India]] to [[Sri lanks|Ceylon]] in one bound; tore trees, carried away the [[w:Himalayas|Himalayas]], seized the [[clouds]] and performed many other wonderful exploits... - [[w:John Dowson|John Dowson]].]] *HANUMAN, HANUMAT, HANÜMAT. A celebrated [[monkey]] chief. He was able to fly and is a conspicuous figure in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], ...Hanuman leaped from [[India]] to [[w:Sri lanks|Ceylon]] in one bound; tore trees, carried away the [[w:Himalayas|Himalayas]], seized the [[clouds]] and performed many other wonderful exploits... Among his other accomplishments, Hanuman was a [[w:Grammarian|grammarian]]; and the Ramayana says: “The chief of [[monkey]]s is perfect; no one equals him in the [[w:Shastras|sastras]], in learning, and in ascertaining the [[sense]] of the [[w:Scriptures|scriptures]] (or in moving at will). It is well known that Hanuman was the ninth author of [[w:Grammar|grammar]]. **[[w:John Dowson|John Dowson]] in A Classical Dictionary of Hindu Mythology, quoted in: [[Octavio Paz]] “The Monkey Grammarian” *Hanuman represents the inner [[life]] that the confrontation with [[w:Dukkha|dukkha]] opens up. But his job is to help differentiate pure [[desire]] from the clinging that tends to obscure it. Hanuman's exploits fill the central part of the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]]. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=jos3ktmtPUEC&pg=PT26 Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught]'', Penguin, 5 January 2006, p. 26. *For some it is primarily a story of devotion centering on the monkey-god Hanuman, who is something of a trickster but who is completely at the service of Rama, saving his [[life]] and rescuing his [[wife]] from the evil [[demons]]. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: "Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught", p. 22. *Hanuman, the embodiment of [[devotion]], brings [[w:Sita|Sita]]'s [[w:Jewels|jewels]] to [[w:Rama|Rama]] and then takes a [[gold]] ring back to her as a [[symbol]] of Rama's unflagging [[love]], a ring given to him by Sita's father at the time of their marriage. Sita welcomes Hanuman, takes the ring and gives him one more jewel, a [[pearl]] mounted on a gold leaf that her father had tied to her hair on the day of the wedding. She refuses Hanuman’s offer to fly back to Rama, insisting he come to free her himself...Rama is able to free Sita only by securing the help of Hanuman. Hanuman, the monkey-god, son of the [[wind]], is the bridge between the two lovers, the vehicle that helps them. **[[w:Mark Epstein|Mark Epstein]] in: "Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught", p. 25 [[File:Hanuman_finds_Sita_in_the_ashoka_grove,_and_shows_her_Rama%27s_ring.jpg|right|thumb|...After leaping to Lanka Hanuman discovers the captive [[w:Sita|Sita]] surrounded by [[w:Rakshasas|rakshasas]] in the [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka grove]], but she insists on being rescued by her husband...Kirsti Evans.]] *Grief-stricken [[w:Rama|Rama]] meets a [[w:Tribe|tribe]] of [[w:Vanaras|vanaras]] whose chief [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]] and eloquent minister Hanuman become Rama's devoted helpers in the task of rescuing the princess [Sita]. After leaping to Lanka Hanuman discovers the captive [[w:Sita|Sita]] surrounded by [[w:Rakshasas|rakshasas]] in the [[w:Saraca asoca|Ashoka grove]], but she insists on being rescued by her husband. Hanuman reports to Rama who assembles an army of Vanaras and crosses to [[w:Sri Lanka|Lanka]] where the final battle is fought between the heroes and the rakshasas. **Kirsti Evans in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v-0yalYlNDkC&pg=PA37 Epic Narratives in the Hoysaḷa Temples: The Rāmāyaṇa, Mahābhārata, and Bhāgavata Purāṇa in Haḷebīd, Belūr, and Amṛtapura]'', BRILL, 1997, p. 37 [[File:Hanuman_showing_Rama_in_His_heart.jpg|right|thumb|The divine name [[w:Rama|Rama]] was not only on the lips of Hanuman; He was enthroned in his [[heart]]. Rama gave Hanuman exhaustless [[strength]]... - [[Mahatma Gandhi]].]] *The divine name [[w:Rama|Rama]] was not only on the lips of Hanuman; He was enthroned in his [[heart]]. Rama gave Hanuman exhaustless [[strength]]. In Rama's strength Hanuman lifted the [[w:Mountain|mountain]] and crossed the [[w:Ocean|ocean]]. '''It is [[faith]] that steers us through the stormy seas, faith that moves mountains, and faith that jumps across the ocean. That faith is nothing but a living, wide-awake [[consciousness]] of [[God]] within. He who has achieved that faith wants nothing.''' **[[Mahatma Gandhi]] in: Charles F. Andrews ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=TcCvo56N9lMC&pg=PT38 Mahatma Gandhi: His Life , and Ideas]'', Jaico Publishing House, 2005, p. 38 [[File:Anjani_Mata_temple_Choumu.JPG|right|thumb|...Hanuman is mentioned as an avatar of [[w:Shiva|Shiva]] or Rudra in the Sanskrit texts and was the son of [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], an [[w:Apsara|Apsara]] cursed to be born as a [[monkey]] and Kesari, after the couple performed intense [[prayers]] to Shiva to get a child. According to a story, when Anjana, was worshipping Shiva, [[w:Dasharatha|king Dasharatha]] of [[w:Ayodhya|Ayodhya]] was also performing [[penance]]s for having children. The [[w:Prasad|prasad]] (portion of the offerings) he received was to be shared by his three wives. A kite snatched a part of the Prasad and dropped it near Anjana. [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the [[w:Hindu deity|Hindu deity]], caught it before it fell to the ground and delivered into the outstretched hands of Anjana, who consumed it leading to the birth of Hanuman... - Ashok Kumar Jha]] *Son of the [[wind]] the [[w:Epithet|epithet]] refers to Hauman a [[Hindu]] [[deity]], who was an ardent devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. Hanuman is mentioned as an avatar of [[w:Shiva|Shiva]] or Rudra in the Sanskrit texts and was the son of [[w:Anjana|Anjana]], an [[w:Apsara|Apsara]] cursed to be born as a [[monkey]] and Kesari, after the couple performed intense [[prayers]] to Shiva to get a child. According to a story, when Anjana, was worshipping Shiva, [[w:Dasharatha|king Dasharatha]] of [[w:Ayodhya|Ayodhya]] was also performing [[penance]]s for having children. The [[w:Prasad|prasad]] (portion of the offerings) he received was to be shared by his three wives. A kite snatched a part of the Prasad and dropped it near Anjana. [[w:Vayu|Vayu]], the [[w:Hindu deity|Hindu deity]], caught it before it fell to the ground and delivered into the outstretched hands of Anjana, who consumed it leading to the birth of Hanuman. So he is also called the son of vayu, while still being considered as an incarnation of Rudra (Shiva). He is a central [[character]] in the epic [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] and also finds mention in several other texts, including [[Mahabharata]], the various [[Puranas]] and some [[w:Jain Agamas|Jain texts]]. Hanuman is worshipped by villagers as a boundary [[w:Guardian|guardian]], by [[w:Shaiva|Shaiva]] [[w:Ascetics|ascetics]] as a [[w:Yogi|yogi]], and by wrestler for his [[strength]]. **Ashok Kumar Jha in:''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=9DRABAAAQBAJ&pg=PT85 Meghadutam: Translated into English in vers libre]'', Partridge Publishing Singapore, 8 July 2013, p. 85. *Our road lay through the [[bazaar]], close to a little [[w:Temple|temple]] of Hanuman, the Monkey god, who is a leading [[divinity]] worthy of [[respect]]. All [[gods]] have good points, just as have all [[w:Priests|priests]]. Personally, I attach much importance to Hanuman, and am kind to his people – the great grey [[apes]] of the hills. One never knows when one may want a [[friend]]. **[[Rudyard Kipling]] in "Mark of the Beast" quoted in: Joseph Black et al. ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=65igxUfqkQUC&pg=PA779 The Broadview Anthology of British Literature: The Victorian Era]'',Broadview Press, p. 779. *Hanuman Monkey-headed [[Hindu]] god originally appears in the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]], the earlier of the two great Indian epics, where he is described as a [[w:Minister|minister]] of the monkey [[w:Sugriva|king Sugriva]] and a devoted servant of [[w:Rama|Rama]], the god-king who is the epics [[w:Protagonist|protagonist]]. **James G. Lochtefeld in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=5kl0DYIjUPgC&pg=PA271 The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Hinduism: A-M]'', The Rosen Publishing Group, 2002, p. 271 [[File:Hanuman_Mistakes_the_Sun_for_a_Fruit.jpg|right|thumb|After his birth the infant Hanuman is continuously [[hungry]], and one day he attempts to [[eat]] the [[sun]]. [[w:Indra|Indra]], the king of [[gods]] and ruler of [[heaven]], is incensed at Hanuman’s action and strikes the [[infant]] with a [[w:Thunderbolt|thunderbolt]], breaking his [[w:Jaw|jaw]] (''hanu'')... -James G. Lochtefeld.]] *After his birth the infant Hanuman is continuously [[hungry]], and one day he attempts to [[eat]] the [[sun]]. [[w:Indra|Indra]], the king of [[gods]] and ruler of [[heaven]], is incensed at Hanuman’s action and strikes the [[w:Infant|infant]] with a [[w:Thunderbolt|thunderbolt]], breaking his [[w:Jaw|jaw]] (''hanu''). [[w:Vayu|Vayu]] become very [[angry]] upon learning of his son’s [[injury]] and ceases to perform his usual activities. Since in [[Indian]] [[w:Physiology|physiology]] [[winds]] are responsible for all internal functions- including [[w:Digestion|digestion]], [[w:Respiration|respiration]], and [[w:Elimination|elimination]] – Yavu’s strike means that no one can live a normal [[life]]. After a short time the [[gods]] realize their [[w:Predicament|predicament]] and beg Vayu for [[forgiveness]]; he is placated when each of the gods promise to give Hanuman a divine [[gift]]. By [[virtue]] of these divine gifts, Hanuman gains great [[powers]]. He is immensely [[strong]] and his [[image]] portrays him with bulging muscles. He is also skilled as a [[healer]], both through his skill with [[herbs]] and [[w:Naturopathy|natural medicines]], and his [[magic]]al abilities to protect people from [[evil]] [[w:Non-physical entity|supernatural beings]]. Among his most unusual divine gifts are the power to [[live]] as long as he likes and to chose the [[time]] of his [[death]]. **James G. Lochtefeld in: "The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Hinduism: A-M", p. 271. *[[w:Hanuman Jayanti|Hanuman Jayanti]] is a [[w:Hindu holidays|Hindu holiday]] that celebrates the birth of Hanuman, the popular [[deity]] who appears as a [[monkey]]. Actually, he is of the [[w:Vanara|vanara]], the race of ape-like [[w:Humanoids|humanoids]] who play a prominent role in the [[India]] epic [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]]. The vanaras were created by the [[gods]] to assist the deity Rama.in his [[battle]] against the [[demon]] [[w:Ravana|Ravana]]. Hanuman led the vanara in the fight against Ravana. **[[J. Gordon Melton]], Martin Baumann in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=v2yiyLLOj88C&pg=PA1310 Religions of the World: A Comprehensive Encyclopedia of Beliefs and Practices [6 volumes]'': A Comprehensive Encyclopedia of Beliefs and Practices], ABC-CLIO, 21 September 2010, p. 1310 [[File:R%C4%81ma_and_Lak%E1%B9%A3ma%E1%B9%87a_meeting_Hanum%C4%81n_at_Rishyamukha.jpg|right|thumb|Watercolour painting on paper of [[w:Rama|Rāma]] and [[w:Lakshmana|Lakṣmaṇa]] meeting Hanumān at Rishyamukha, the residence of [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]]. Rāma and Laksmana are shown wearing [[w:Dhoti|dhoti]]’s with [[animal]] [[skins]] covering their shoulders. They hold bow and arrows in their hands and have their hair tied in a top knot on their heads... -[[w:British Museum|British Museum]].]] *Watercolour painting on paper of [[w:Rama|Rāma]] and [[w:Lakshmana|Lakṣmaṇa]] meeting Hanumān at Rishyamukha, the residence of [[w:Sugriva|Sugriva]]. Rāma and Laksmana are shown wearing [[w:Dhoti|dhoti]]’s with [[animal]] [[skins]] covering their shoulders. They hold bow and arrows in their hands and have their hair tied in a top knot on their heads. They face towards a male figure wearing a pink dhoti with a green shawl. He has a shaven head and raises his hands in [[Añjali Mudrā|anjali mudra]]. Behind the three figures is a staircase which leads up to a city on top of a mountain, Rishyamukha. On the edges of the staircase kneel monkeys wearing golden hats. In the centre of the city is a large building with a golden roof and a large red flag flying. The painting is surrounded by a black border. **[[w:British Museum|British Museum]] in: ''[http://www.britishmuseum.org/research/collection_online/collection_object_details.aspx?objectId=182861&partId=1&people=139509&peoA=139509-1-7&page=1 Collection online]'', The British Museum. [[File:Hanuman_beheads_Trisiras.jpg|right|thumb|... describing his visit to the grove of the palace of [[w:Ravana|Rāvana]]. He compares its [[rhetoric]] to a page of indecipherable calligraphy and thinks: the difference between human writing and [[divine]] consists in the fact that the number of signs of the former is limited, whereas that of the latter is [[infinite]]; hence the [[universe]] is a meaningless text, one which even the gods find illegible... - [[Octavio Paz]].]] *The Great [[Monkey]] closes his eyes, scratches himself again and muses: before the [[sun]] has become completely hidden — it is now fleeing amid the tall [[bamboo]] trees like an animal pursued by shadows — I shall succeed in reducing this grove of trees to a catalogue. A page of tangled plant [[calligraphy]]. A thicket of signs: how to read it, how to clear a path through this denseness? Hanumān smiles with [[pleasure]] at the [[analogy]] that has just occurred to him: calligraphy and [[vegetation]], a grove of trees and [[writing]], [[reading]] and a path. Following a path: reading a stretch of ground, deciphering a fragment of [[world]]. Reading considered as a path toward... The path as a reading: an interpretation of the natural world? He closes his eyes once more and sees himself, in another age, writing (on a piece of paper or on a rock, with a [[pen]] or with a chisel?) the act in the Mahanātaka describing his visit to the grove of the palace of [[w:Ravana|Rāvana]]. He compares its [[rhetoric]] to a page of indecipherable calligraphy and thinks: the difference between human writing and [[divine]] consists in the fact that the number of signs of the former is limited, whereas that of the latter is [[infinite]]; hence the [[universe]] is a meaningless text, one which even the gods find illegible. The critique of the universe (and that of the gods) is called [[grammar]]... Disturbed by this strange thought, Hanumān leaps down from the wall, remains for a moment in a squatting position, then stands erect, scrutinizes the four points of the compass, and resolutely makes his way into the thicket. **[[Octavio Paz]] in: ''[http://www.krizma-ebooks.com/books/The%20Monkey%20Grammarian.pdf The Monkey Grammarian]'', English-language translation, Seaver Books, 1981. * '''The [[gods]] were my superheroes growing up.''' [[w:Hanuman|Hanuman]], the monkey god, lifting an entire mountain to save his friend [[w:Lakshmana|Lakshman]]. '''[[w:Ganesha|Ganesha]] the elephant headed, risking his life to save the honor of his [[mother]] [[w:Parvati|Pārvati]].''' <!-- '''Vishnu, the Supreme [[Soul]]. The Soul of ''[[all]]'' things. Vishnu sleeps, floating on the shoreless cosmic ocean, and we are the stuff of his dreams.''' --> ** "Pi Patel" in ''[[Life of Pi (film)|Life of Pi]]'' (2012), based on the 2001 novel by Yann Martel Vishnu, [[Rudyard Kipling]] in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=US9xXtbColIC&pg=PT112 The Mark Of The Beast And Other Fantastical Tales ], Hachette UK, 11-Nov-2010. *[[Tulsidas]] wrote 12 books, but, by far, the most important is the [[w:Ramacharitamanas|Ramacharitamanas]] (the holy Lakes of the Acts of Ram), a [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] written in old [[w:Hindi language|Hindi]] ([[w:Avadhi language|Avadhi]]) couplets. The book was written under the direction of Hanuman himself. It is read all over [[w;North India|North India]], and particularly during the time of the [[w:Ramlila|Ramlila]]. It is sung aloud in large groups for devotional purposes. **[[w:Constance Jones|Constance Jones]], James D. Ryan in: ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OgMmceadQ3gC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Encyclopedia+of+Hinduism+(Encyclopedia+of+World+Religions)&hl=en&sa=X&ei=6cYBU_iiIeuRiQfwgoDQBA&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=Tuslidas&f=false Encyclopedia of Hinduism]'', p. 457. *[[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br> यत्र यत्र रघुनाथकीर्तनं तत्र तत्र कृतमस्तकाञ्जलिम् ।<br>बाष्पवारिपरिपूर्णलोचनं मारुतिं नमत राक्षसान्तकम् ॥ *[[w:Hunterian transliteration|Hunterian]]:<br>yatra yatra raghunāthakīrtanaṃ tatra tatra kṛta mastakāñjalim ।<br>bāṣpavāriparipūrṇalocanaṃ mārutiṃ namata rākṣasāntakam ॥ *[[English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]:<br>Bow down to Hanumān, who is the slayer of demons, and who is present with head bowed and <br>eyes full of flowing tears wherever the fame of Rāma is sung. **[[w:Ramaayana|Ramaayana]] in: ''[http://www.swaminarayan.info/magazine/Cardiff/pdf/EN/e-LetterIssue19.pdf Satsang e- letter: Issue 19:6th April – Hanuman Jayanti]'', Swaminarayan.info.org, April 2012. *Indeed, I hadn’t dared to think of that, but yes, indeed, when you read the [[w:Ramayana|Ramayana]] you’ll come across the story of Hanuman on which I built my version of that very old myth...I [[love]] Friend Monkey. I love the story of Hanuman. For many years, it remained in my very blood because he’s someone who loves too much and can’t help it. I don’t know where I first heard of him, but the [[story]] remained with me and I knew it would come out of me somehow or other. But I didn’t know what shape it would take. **[[P. L. Travers]] in: ''[http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3099/the-art-of-fiction-no-63-p-l-travers Interviews: P. L. Travers, The Art of Fiction No. 63]'', The Paris Review [[File:Ravivarmapress_Rama_family.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Rama|Lord Ram]] gave Hanuman a quizzical look and said, "What are you, a [[monkey]] or a [[man]]?" Hanuman bowed his head reverently, folded his hands and said, "When I do not know who I am, I serve You and when I do know who I am, You and I are One". - [[Tulsidas]].]] *[[w:Rama|Lord Ram]] gave Hanuman a quizzical look and said, "What are you, a [[monkey]] or a [[man]]?" Hanuman bowed his head reverently, folded his hands and said, "When I do not know who I am, I serve You and when I do know who I am, You and I are One". **[[Tulsidas]] from [[Ramcharitmanas]] quoted in: ''[http://schenectadyhindutemple.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Schenectady-Hindu-Temples-First-News-Letter.pdf The Temporary World]'', Schenectady Hindu Temple.org *Poem from [[w:Hanuman Chalisa|Hanuman Chalisa]] in [[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br>''॥दोहा॥<br>श्रीगुरु चरन सरोज रज, निज मनु मुकुरु सुधारि।<br>बरनउँ रघुबर बिमल जसु, जो दायकु फल चारि॥'' *[[w:English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]: <br>Doha:<br>With the dust of guru’s lotus feet having,<br>I cleanse the mirror of my [[soul]] sparkling,<br>[[w:Rama|Raghuvar]]’s spotless glory I be singing,<br>The four fruits of [[life]] it ever is giving. **[[Tulsidas]] in: Munindra Misra ''[http://books.google.co.in/books?id=AfAPAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA128 Chants of Hindu Gods and Godesses in English Rhyme]'', Partridge Publishing, 7 March 2014, p. 128. *Poem from [[w:Hanuman Chalisa|Hanuman Chalisa]] in [[w:Devanagari|Devanagari]]:<br>''॥दोहा॥''<br> ''बाल समय रबि भक्षि लियो तब तीनहुँ लोक भयो अँधियारो।<br>ताहि सों त्रास भयो जग को यह संकट काहु सों जात न टारो।<br>देवन आनि करी बिनती तब छाँड़ि दियो रबि कष्ट निवारो।<br>को नहिं जानत है जग में कपि संकटमोचन नाम तिहारो॥१॥'' *[[w:English language|English]] [[w:Translation|translation]]:<br>Doha:<br>When as a child you lapped the [[sun]], darkness on triple [[world]] fell,<br>The worlds so got into trouble and a crisis that none could dispel,<br>Gods then [[pray]]ed to you to spare the sun and you did so quell,<br>Who doesn’t know in this world your name `Problem Solver’ bells? **[[Tulsidas]] in: Munindra Misra "Chants of Hindu Gods and Godesses in English Rhyme" [[File:Raja_Ravi_Varma,_Bharat_Milap_(Lithographic_Print).jpg|right|thumb|Eka-Nishtha or [[devotion]] to one [[ideal]] is absolutely necessary for the beginner in the practice of [[religious]] devotion. He must say with Hanuman in the [[w:Ramayana|Râmâyana]], though I know that the Lord of Shri and the Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] are both [[w:Manifestations|manifestations]] of the same Supreme Being, yet my all in all is the lotus-eyed Râma. -[[Swami Vivekananda]].]] *There is a story of Hanumân, who was a great worshipper of [[w:Rama|Râma]]. Just as the [[Christians]] worship [[Christ]] as the incarnation of [[God]], so the [[Hindus]] [[worship]] many [[w:Incarnations|incarnations]] of God. According to them, God came nine times in [[India]] and will come once more. When he came as Rama, this Hanuman was his great worshipper. Hanuman lived very long and was a great [[w:Yoga|Yogi]]. During his lifetime, Rama came again as [[w:Krishna|Krishna]]; and Hanuman, being a great Yogi, knew that the same God had come back again as Krishna. He came and served Krishna, but he said to him, "I want to see that Rama form of yours". Krishna said, "Is not this form enough? I am this Krishna; I am this Rama. All these forms are mine". Hanuman said, "I know that, but the Rama form is for me. The Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] (Janaki is a name of Sitâ.) and the Lord of Shri Shri is a name of [[w:Lakshmi|Laksmi]].) are the same. They are both the incarnations of the Supreme Self. Yet the lotus-eyed Rama is my all in all". This is [[w:Nishtha|Nishtha]] — knowing that all these different forms of worship are right, yet sticking to one and rejecting the others. We must not worship the others at all; we must not hate or criticize them, but [[respect]] them. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_9/Lectures_and_Discourses/Bhakti-Yoga The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 9/Lectures and Discourses/Bhakti-Yoga]'', Wikisource. *'''A great Bhakta [Devotee] (Hanuman) once said when asked what day of the month it was, "[[God]] is my [[eternal]] date, no other date I care for.''' **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Inspired_Talks/Monday,_July_1 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 7/Inspired Talks/Monday, July 1]'', Wikisource. *As on the one hand Hanuman represent the [[ideal]] of [[service]], so on the other hand he represents leonine [[courage]], striking the whole [[world]] with awe. He has not the least hesitation in sacrificing his [[life]] for the good of [[w:Rama|Rama]]. A supreme indifference to everything except the service of Rama, even to the attainment of the status of [[w:Brahma|Brahma]] and [[w:Shiva|Shiva]], the great World - [[gods]]! Only the carrying out of Shri Rama's best is the one [[vow]] of this life! Such whole - hearted [[devotion]] is wanted. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Conversations_And_Dialogues/XXI The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda by Swami Vivekananda Volume 7, Conversations And Dialogues]'', Wikisource. *'''Eka-Nishtha or [[devotion]] to one [[ideal]] is absolutely necessary for the beginner in the practice of [[religious]] devotion. He must say with Hanuman in the [[w:Ramayana|Râmâyana]], though I know that the Lord of Shri and the Lord of [[w:Sita|Jânaki]] are both [[w:Manifestations|manifestations]] of the same Supreme Being, yet my all in all is the lotus-eyed Râma.''' **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_3/Bhakti-Yoga/The_Chosen_Ideal The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 3/Bhakti-Yoga/The Chosen Ideal]'', Wikisource. *Hanuman, the best of the [[monkeys]], became the most [[faithful]] servant of [[w:Rama|Rama]] and helped him in rescuing [[w:Sita|Sita]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_4/Lectures_and_Discourses/The_Ramayana The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 4/Lectures and Discourses/The Ramayana]'', Wikisource. *Hanuman, the devotee of [[w:Rama|Rama]], summed up his [[philosophy]] in these words: ''When I identify myself with the [[body]], O Lord, I am Thy creature, eternally separate from Thee. When I identify myself with the [[soul]], I am a spark of that [[Divine]] [[Fire]] which Thou art. But when I identify myself with the [[Atman]], I and Thou art one''. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_8/Lectures_And_Discourses/Discourses_On_Jnana-Yoga The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 8/Lectures And Discourses/Discourses On Jnana-Yoga]'', Wikisource. *His [[devotion]] to [[w:Rama|Rama]] was so great that he is still [[worship]]ped by the [[Hindus]] as the [[ideal]] of a [[true]] [[w:Servant|servant]] of the Lord. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_4/Lectures_and_Discourses/The_Ramayana The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 4/Lectures and Discourses/The Ramayana]'', Wikisource. *In the course of the article I described the '[[god]]' worshiped by [[terrorists]] as 'a [[monkey]] [[god]].' I was wrong and that was offensive. I owe an [[apology]] to millions of [[Hindus]] who [[worship]] Lord Hanuman, an actual Monkey God... Hanuman is worshiped as a [[symbol]] of [[perseverance]], [[strength]] and [[devotion]]. He is known as a destroyer of [[evil]] and to [[inspire]] and [[liberate]]. Those are hardly the traits of whatever the [[Hell]] (literally) it is that terrorists worship and worthy of my [[respect]] and [[admiration]] not [[ridicule]]. **[[Mark Williams (radio host)]] in: Samuel Goldsmith ''[http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/tea-party-express-leader-mark-williams-hindus-slamming-muslim-monkey-god-article-1.448154#ixzz0oYsKTsXZ Tea Party Express leader Mark Williams says 'sorry' - to Hindus - for slamming Muslim's 'monkey god']'', Daily News, 20 May 2010. *If you be very [[generous]], you may think that like the great devotee, Hanuman. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Translation_of_writings/Memoirs_of_European_Travel_I The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 7/Translation of writings/Memoirs of European Travel]'', Wikisource. *[[God|Raganuga]] [[Bhakti]] is of five kinds: (1) Shanta [peace] as illustrated by the [[religion]] of [[Christ]]; (2) [[w:Dasya|Dasya]] as illustrated by that of Hanuman to [[w:Rama|Rama]]; (3) Sakhya [friendship] as illustrated by that of [[w:Arjuna|Arjuna]] to [[w:Krishna|Shri Krishna]]; (4) Vatsalya [affection] as illustrated by that of [[w:Vasudeva|Vasudeva]] to Shri Krishna; (5) Madhura (that of the husband and wife) in the lives of Shri Krishna and the [[w:Gopikas|Gopikas]]. **[[Swami Vivekananda]] in: ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_6/Notes_Of_Class_Talks_And_Lectures/Notes_Taken_Down_In_Madras,_1892-93 The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 6/Notes Of Class Talks And Lectures/Notes Taken Down In Madras, 1892-93]'', Wikisource. ==External links== [https://www.hanumanchalisapdf.in Hanuman chalisa pdf]{{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Hindu deities]] 0l3u53kwdkv0k51ic8vz7kk3ewe4wn2 0 161183 3155601 2838587 2022-08-17T16:40:57Z 2601:240:4180:6A50:F123:CF65:5A6A:F5EB wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Mark Girouard|Mark Girouard]]''' [[w:Society of Antiquaries of London|FSA]] (born October 1931) is a British architectural writer, an authority on the [[w:country house|country house]], an architectural historian, and biographer of James Stirling. == Quotes == === ''Life in the English Country House: A Social and Architectural History'' (1978) === * Both and France and England had started in the Middle Ages with the basic system of hall and chamber (in France salleand chambre), but the system had developed differently in the two countries. * As far as country houses were concerned, the functions of the lower ranks within the hierarchy were now only those of respectful service to their superiors. They lived in the basement, or in subordinate wings to either side of the house. The main rooms were designed as the orderly setting for meetings between gentlemen, lords, and princes, who seldom forgot their rank. But behind the rigid etiquette which regulated their intercourse, continual jockeying for power, position and favours went on. The central government was a rich source of jobs and perquisites, which were distributed either by the king himself, or by his ministers and favourites. The main power of the court aristocracy now lay in its power of patronage; it was constantly being solicited for favours. * The separation of men from women at the dinner was still in the mediaeval tradition. Another interesting feature of the evening is the relatively small number of people involved. Eighteen sat down to dinner, fifteen couples danced at the ball. The entertaining was ‘the finest that ever was seen’ because of the style and richness of the accompaniments, not because of its size. This was typical of the period. Feasts for several hundred people were still being given in the country, to prepare for an election or celebrate Christmas, births, weddings, and comings of age. They usually centred round dinner in the hall, and could involve all the neighbouring gentry and near-gentry, and even the tenants and local freeholders. But the entertainments which enjoyed the most prestige were small but elaborate ones for relatively few people – just as the prestigious part of the house was devoted to a few large apartments for great people coming on what amounted to a state visit. A hard line was still drawn between the inner ring of the great and smaller fry. * The combined results of the growing independence, culture and prosperity of the lesser gentry and professional classes, the sewing up of the parliamentary system, and the resulting decline in importance of the smaller freeholder was a growing gap between the polite world of the gentry and the impolite world of servants, farmers and smallholders. In terms of the country house this meant an increasing split between gentry upstairs and non-gentry downstairs. Gentlemen could now only enter household service as librarians, tutors or chaplains; in which case they did not consider themselves servants and ate with the family or on their own. The tenants and freeholders, on the other hand, had sunk in status with the upper servants. * One result of the nobility and gentry becoming more mobile and mixing more together was new kinds of parties. From the sixteenth to the early eighteenth century, whenever people decided to entertain, they did so in much the same way. They gave either a dinner on its own, or a dinner combined with dancing. The latter combination started with a meal, sometimes enlivened by music. After dinner the company retired to a withdrawing room, and passed an hour or so by taking tea or dessert, or playing cards, or listening to more music. They then returned to the room where they had dined, for dancing or as it tended to be called, a ball; in the early eighteenth century as few as seven couples dancing together could be described as a ball. After dancing there was normally some kind of light refreshment, and then everybody went home. The refreshments at the end might, according to the century, be described as a banquet or a supper, the room for dinner and dancing a great chamber or a saloon; the dances danced, the music played and the food eaten changed, but the pattern remained much the same. The guests did one thing at a time, and they all did it together. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Girouard, Mark}} [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:1931 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] k511bp3fvt11ci7rugume99u40imqee 3155602 3155601 2022-08-17T16:41:21Z 2601:240:4180:6A50:F123:CF65:5A6A:F5EB wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Mark Girouard|Mark Girouard]]''' [[w:Society of Antiquaries of London|FSA]] (born 7 October 1931 - 16 August 2022) is a British architectural writer, an authority on the [[w:country house|country house]], an architectural historian, and biographer of James Stirling. == Quotes == === ''Life in the English Country House: A Social and Architectural History'' (1978) === * Both and France and England had started in the Middle Ages with the basic system of hall and chamber (in France salleand chambre), but the system had developed differently in the two countries. * As far as country houses were concerned, the functions of the lower ranks within the hierarchy were now only those of respectful service to their superiors. They lived in the basement, or in subordinate wings to either side of the house. The main rooms were designed as the orderly setting for meetings between gentlemen, lords, and princes, who seldom forgot their rank. But behind the rigid etiquette which regulated their intercourse, continual jockeying for power, position and favours went on. The central government was a rich source of jobs and perquisites, which were distributed either by the king himself, or by his ministers and favourites. The main power of the court aristocracy now lay in its power of patronage; it was constantly being solicited for favours. * The separation of men from women at the dinner was still in the mediaeval tradition. Another interesting feature of the evening is the relatively small number of people involved. Eighteen sat down to dinner, fifteen couples danced at the ball. The entertaining was ‘the finest that ever was seen’ because of the style and richness of the accompaniments, not because of its size. This was typical of the period. Feasts for several hundred people were still being given in the country, to prepare for an election or celebrate Christmas, births, weddings, and comings of age. They usually centred round dinner in the hall, and could involve all the neighbouring gentry and near-gentry, and even the tenants and local freeholders. But the entertainments which enjoyed the most prestige were small but elaborate ones for relatively few people – just as the prestigious part of the house was devoted to a few large apartments for great people coming on what amounted to a state visit. A hard line was still drawn between the inner ring of the great and smaller fry. * The combined results of the growing independence, culture and prosperity of the lesser gentry and professional classes, the sewing up of the parliamentary system, and the resulting decline in importance of the smaller freeholder was a growing gap between the polite world of the gentry and the impolite world of servants, farmers and smallholders. In terms of the country house this meant an increasing split between gentry upstairs and non-gentry downstairs. Gentlemen could now only enter household service as librarians, tutors or chaplains; in which case they did not consider themselves servants and ate with the family or on their own. The tenants and freeholders, on the other hand, had sunk in status with the upper servants. * One result of the nobility and gentry becoming more mobile and mixing more together was new kinds of parties. From the sixteenth to the early eighteenth century, whenever people decided to entertain, they did so in much the same way. They gave either a dinner on its own, or a dinner combined with dancing. The latter combination started with a meal, sometimes enlivened by music. After dinner the company retired to a withdrawing room, and passed an hour or so by taking tea or dessert, or playing cards, or listening to more music. They then returned to the room where they had dined, for dancing or as it tended to be called, a ball; in the early eighteenth century as few as seven couples dancing together could be described as a ball. After dancing there was normally some kind of light refreshment, and then everybody went home. The refreshments at the end might, according to the century, be described as a banquet or a supper, the room for dinner and dancing a great chamber or a saloon; the dances danced, the music played and the food eaten changed, but the pattern remained much the same. The guests did one thing at a time, and they all did it together. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Girouard, Mark}} [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:1931 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] 8vebzt0hmkcsha9vz53lukdv4u2pj9s 3155647 3155602 2022-08-17T21:26:40Z Normantas Bataitis 3082321 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Mark Girouard|Mark Girouard]]''' [[w:Society of Antiquaries of London|FSA]] (7 October 1931 – 16 August 2022) was a British architectural writer, an authority on the [[w:country house|country house]], an architectural historian, and biographer of James Stirling. == Quotes == === ''Life in the English Country House: A Social and Architectural History'' (1978) === * Both and France and England had started in the Middle Ages with the basic system of hall and chamber (in France salleand chambre), but the system had developed differently in the two countries. * As far as country houses were concerned, the functions of the lower ranks within the hierarchy were now only those of respectful service to their superiors. They lived in the basement, or in subordinate wings to either side of the house. The main rooms were designed as the orderly setting for meetings between gentlemen, lords, and princes, who seldom forgot their rank. But behind the rigid etiquette which regulated their intercourse, continual jockeying for power, position and favours went on. The central government was a rich source of jobs and perquisites, which were distributed either by the king himself, or by his ministers and favourites. The main power of the court aristocracy now lay in its power of patronage; it was constantly being solicited for favours. * The separation of men from women at the dinner was still in the mediaeval tradition. Another interesting feature of the evening is the relatively small number of people involved. Eighteen sat down to dinner, fifteen couples danced at the ball. The entertaining was ‘the finest that ever was seen’ because of the style and richness of the accompaniments, not because of its size. This was typical of the period. Feasts for several hundred people were still being given in the country, to prepare for an election or celebrate Christmas, births, weddings, and comings of age. They usually centred round dinner in the hall, and could involve all the neighbouring gentry and near-gentry, and even the tenants and local freeholders. But the entertainments which enjoyed the most prestige were small but elaborate ones for relatively few people – just as the prestigious part of the house was devoted to a few large apartments for great people coming on what amounted to a state visit. A hard line was still drawn between the inner ring of the great and smaller fry. * The combined results of the growing independence, culture and prosperity of the lesser gentry and professional classes, the sewing up of the parliamentary system, and the resulting decline in importance of the smaller freeholder was a growing gap between the polite world of the gentry and the impolite world of servants, farmers and smallholders. In terms of the country house this meant an increasing split between gentry upstairs and non-gentry downstairs. Gentlemen could now only enter household service as librarians, tutors or chaplains; in which case they did not consider themselves servants and ate with the family or on their own. The tenants and freeholders, on the other hand, had sunk in status with the upper servants. * One result of the nobility and gentry becoming more mobile and mixing more together was new kinds of parties. From the sixteenth to the early eighteenth century, whenever people decided to entertain, they did so in much the same way. They gave either a dinner on its own, or a dinner combined with dancing. The latter combination started with a meal, sometimes enlivened by music. After dinner the company retired to a withdrawing room, and passed an hour or so by taking tea or dessert, or playing cards, or listening to more music. They then returned to the room where they had dined, for dancing or as it tended to be called, a ball; in the early eighteenth century as few as seven couples dancing together could be described as a ball. After dancing there was normally some kind of light refreshment, and then everybody went home. The refreshments at the end might, according to the century, be described as a banquet or a supper, the room for dinner and dancing a great chamber or a saloon; the dances danced, the music played and the food eaten changed, but the pattern remained much the same. The guests did one thing at a time, and they all did it together. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Girouard, Mark}} [[Category:1931 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from England]] awucixht3e2j8ttrnwivazpkn0rb7zx 0 164774 3155715 2342817 2022-08-18T01:25:35Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Chief Justice Sir Henry Hobart (d.1625), 1st Baronet.jpeg|thumb|Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Bt.]] '''[[w:Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Baronet|Sir Henry Hobart, 1st Baronet]]''' [[w:Serjeant-at-Law|SL]] (c. 1560 &ndash; 29 December 1625), of [[w:Blickling Hall|Blickling Hall]], was an [[England|English]] politician who succeeded Sir [[Edward Coke]] to become [[w:Chief Justice of the Court of Common Pleas|Chief Justice of the Court of Common Pleas]]. ==Quotes== * A woman cannot be a pastor by the law of God. I say more, it is against the law of the realm. ** ''Colt and another v. Bishop of Coventry and Lichfield'' (1612), Hob. Rep. 148. * I may use mine own as I will. ** ''Robins v. Barnes'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 131. * The laws of the realm do admit nothing against the law of God. ** ''Colt v. Glover'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 149. * It is the office of Judges to advance laws made for religion, according to their end, though the words be short and imperfect. ** ''Colt v. Glover'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 157. * We know well that the Primitive Church in her greatest purity were but voluntary congregations of believers, submitting themselves to the Apostles, and after to other Pastors, to whom they did minister of their Temporals, as God did move them. So as ''Ecclesiasticus'', cap. 17, says, God appointed a Ruler over every people, when he divided nations of the whole Earth. And therefore if a people will refuse all government, it were against the law of God; and yet if a popular State will receive a Monarchy it stands well with the Law of God. ** ''Bruton v. Morris'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 149. * Men will not commonly steal women that are nothing worth. ** ''Bruton v. Morris'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 182. * I do exceedingly commend the Judges that are curious and almost subtil, Astuti (which is the word used in the Proverbs of Solomon in a good sense, when it is to a good end) to invent reasons and means to make Acts, according to the just intent of the parties, and to avoid wrong and injury which by rigid rules might be wrought out of the Act. ** ''Earl of Clanrickard's Case'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 277. * Fiction is never admitted where truth may work. ** ''Wright v. Gerrard'' (1617), Lord Hobart's Rep. 311. * The statute is like a tyrant; where he comes he makes all void; but the common law is like a nursing father, makes only void that part where the fault is, and preserves the rest. ** Quoted by [[Sir Thomas Twisden, 1st Baronet]], C.J., in ''Maleverer v. Redshaw'' (1670), 1 Mod. Rep. 36 ; and by [[John Eardley Wilmot|Wilmot]], L.C.J., in ''Collins v. Blantern'' (1767), 2 Wils. 351. ===''Pits v. James'' (1614), Lord Hobart's Rep. 124-125=== :<small>In this case, Lord Hobart rules that a lay minister providing services to the poor under the title of minister did not defraud the public by the use of that title, as he was in fact providing religious services.</small> * Minister doth not always import an inferior to him to whom he doth minister: for the Psalm saith, God hath made man ''paulo inferiorem Angelis''; and yet in the first chapter to the Hebrews it is said, that the Angels are ministering spirits, sent forth for the good of God's saints. *God's service in this name is the service of God's house, and therefore they are convertible. And who sees not, that whosoever ministers to the poor, ministers to God ? As it appears in that solemn sentence of the last day, inasmuch as you did feed, clothe, lodge the poor, you did it unto me. * Who sees not, that whosoever ministers to the poor, ministers to God? as it appears in that solemn sentence of the last day, Inasmuch as you did feed, clothe, lodge the poor, you did it unto me. * Though all good men be called God's servants in their general vocation, yet they cannot be called the minister of God but to a more special use. * I commend the Judge that seems fine and ingenious, so it tend to right and equity. And I condemn them, that either out of pleasure to shew a subtil wit will destroy, or out of incuriousness or negligence will not labour to support the act of the party by the art or act of the law. ===''Sheffield v. Ratcliffe'' (1615)=== * That whom he could not by the sword destroy, he might supplant by the law. ** Lord Hobart's Rep. 335. * Zeal and indignation are fervent passions. ** Lord Hobart's Rep. 335. * Nothing is more natural than to marry. ** Lord Hobart's Rep. 342. * Bind not the new statutes so to the common law, that their words increased for the King's advantage, should be deprived of their force. ** Lord Hobart's Rep. 341. * ''Aucupia verborum sunt judice indigna'': Catching at words is unworthy of a Judge. ** Lord Hobart's Rep. 343. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hobart, Sir Henry}} [[Category:1625 deaths]] [[Category:British judges]] 1i2v2bq3ioi4u29dbj5odaa3o6jgble 0 177447 3155778 3152054 2022-08-18T06:51:35Z 119.73.114.111 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] '''3''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as [https://teriwall.com/what-race-is-spongebob/ SpongeBob], Narrator, Old Man, Fish #83, Flower 2, Old Man Jenkins, Gary, Old Man, Police, Astronaut, Mrs. Puff's Dad, Writer, Fish #3, Fish #4, Jellyfish, Mad Fish, Skater Fish, Fish #1, Old Fish, Tall Fish, Line Fish #1, TV Announcer, Patchy, Announcer, Elderly Woman's Mom, Maitred, Geek Fish, Pillow Fish, Dirty Bubble, Fish #1, Robot, Choir, Old Fish #2, Scout, Old Fish, Pinch-o-matic, Peterson, Cousin #1, Grandpa SquarePants, Fish #86, Fish #1, Geek Fish, Poo Fish, Eyeball #1 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Copy #1, Moses, Fish 12, Fish #48, Fish #2, Octa-Skeleton, Spitoon Server, Big Crab, Clerk, Roger, Cavey, Choir, Mail Fish, Angry Fish, Cook, Patrick's Grandpa, Vendor Fish, Fish #1, Fish #2 *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Fish 4, Teen 1, Doctor, Professor, Doc, Daddy, Big Fish, Smart Fish, Diver Dick, Choir, Mayor, Deejay, Jake, Doctor, Phone Fish, Gym Fish *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Eyeball #2, Fish #4 *Lori Alan as Pearl, Girl Fish #2 *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster, Hillbilly Fish, Fish 3, Hillbilly Fish, Announcer, Fish #41, Reporter, Cop #1, Mayor, Teller, Reporter, Reporter, Tomato, Fish #2, Salad Fish, Lou, Fish #2, Chocolate Fish, Announcer, Fish #6, Hick Fish, Fish #1, Choir, Fish #1, Mickey, Vendor, Librarian, Old Man Jenkins, Fish #27, Fish #40, Fish #1, Bank Robber, Anchor, Hair Piece Fish, Fish #1, News Fish *Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #41, Drowning Man, Seamonster, Spitting Fish, Wish Fish 1, Pilot, Ranger, Flats' Dad, Bathroom Fish, Priest, Angry Man, Customer 1, Ghost, Trash Fish, Paramedic, Mailfish, Pilot, Criminal, Health Inspector, Guard #2, Garbage Man, Truck Fish, Vendor, Roach, Fish #1, Fish #2, Umbrella Fish, Fish #4, Smitty, Business Fish, New Narrator, Delivery Fish, Mr. Doodle, Fish #1, Short Fish, Commercial Announcer, Squilliam, Appetizer, Fish #4, Fish #10, Animatronic Server, Fish #2, Vendor Fish, Fish #2, Computerized Voice, Scallop, Worm, Baby Fish, Customer, Hoopla Fish, Husband Fish, Fish #1, Officer Dude Fish, Late Fish, Con Fish, Fish #2, Fish #3, Fish #5, Fish #1, Mail Fish, Southern Fish, Teen Fish #2, Restaurant Anchovy, Sandals, Clam, Monster, Choir, Announcer, Referee, Snellie, Old Fish #1, Hotrod Fish, Old Woman #2, Fish #37, Krabby Patty, Fish #60, Fish #1, Iron Butt Fish, Horse, Sea Bear, Sea Rhino, Robot, Clem, Cousin #3, Farmer Jenkins, Fish #376, Fish #92, Fish #41, TV Announcer, Cop #1, Drycleaner, Shop Keeper, Fish #3, Smell Fish, Time Fish, Surfer, Toast Fish *Sirena Irwin as Annette, Old Lady, Fish #152, Magic Conch, Fish 5, Teen 2, Flower 1, Woman Fish, Cop #2, Prisoner #1, Cop #1, Prisoner #2, Mrs. SquarePants, Hat Fish, Girl Fish #1, Girl Fish #2, Fish #3, Kid Fish, Minnie Mermaid, Wife Fish, O'Malley, Lady Fish, Lady Fish #2, Elderly Fish, Squid Lady, Lady Fish, Teen Fish #1, Choir, Old Woman Fish #1, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Nurse, Fish #42, Fish #1, Mom, Girl Fish #7, Fish #6, Fat Mom, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Whoopie Cushion, Fish #5, Cop #2, Robot *Tom Wilson as Customer #1, Customer #2, Flats, Cop #2, Johnny, Donna, Reg, Customer #1, Tough Fish, Bald Fish, Fish #3, Clerk Fish, Fish #4, Patrick's Father, Football Fish, Fish #2, Monroe, Waitress, Customer, Boss, Strangler *Carlos Alazraqui as Surfer, Fish #107, Shark Dad, Dude Fish, Fish #1, Kevin Fish, Janitor, Guard #1, Prisoner #3, Late Fish *Sara Paxton as Baby Fish, Kid Fish, Kid Fish, Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish, Kid Fish #1 *Tom Welker as Mystery *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Helen *Steve Kehela as TV Narrator, Narrator *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Susan Boyajin as Nurse, Wife, Cop #3, Lady Fish #1, Elderly Woman *Kent Osborne as Weenie #2, Stunt Robot, Fish #41, Clown *Paul Tibbitt as Weenie #1, Fisherman, Mama Krabs *Rodney Bingenheimer as The DJ *Sergio Restie as King Neptune *Kevin Michael Richardson as King Neptune *Stephen Hillenburg as Potty, Miner *John Rhys Davis as Man Ray *Martin Olsen as Chief *Jonathan Silsby as Pupeteer *Mark "Biz" Burke as Stunt Dancer *Dennis Hoerter as Stagehead *Jesse David Corti as Kid Fish #2, Boy Fish #103, Boy Fish #151, Kid Fish #2 *Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman *Frank Welker as Gorilla *Andre Sugliuzzo as Stunt Gorilla *Scott Heathcote as Dad *Dale Horowitz as Mom *Roxanne Sarlak as Girl *Christian Trimble as Boy *Austin Stout as Kid #1 *Jill Talley as Karen, Cousin #2, Cousin #4 *Paul Lutz as Store Clerk *Dylan Haggerty as Newscaster *Jeanette Miller as Mrs. Johnson ==Episode 1== ===''The Algae’s Always Greener (1.1)''=== :'''hector con carne''': What? It’s just an ordinary Kearny- Oh, my goodness! Squidward! ===''SpongeGuard on Duty (1.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': well well hector the flame is boring :'''hector''': lava warning please hold. ==Episode 2== ===''Club SpongeBob (2.1)''=== :'''dee dee''': hello spongebob that a moment stupid not smart genius with other eds :'''spongebob''': what? :'''dee dee''': come on :'''spongebob''': if you happy you até not evil Dee dee: i have this evil yes! Spongebob: look at yourself! The time hole incident you stay with happy Dee dee: i am happy thank you spongebob ===''My Pretty Seahorse (2.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Believe me, boy. I know what its like to lose a friend. :'''SpongeBob''': Really, Mr. Krabs? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I was five years old, me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. :'''SpongeBob''': What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Then one day, at the beach, ''[starts to sob]'' IT WAS SO HOOOOT... and I was so thirsty, I spent it on a soda...! Uhhuhhuhhuh... MY BEST FRIEND!!! ==Episode 3== ===''Just One Bite (3.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw! :''[Everyone laughs]'' :'''Squidward''': Don't encourage them! They'll never leave. :'''SpongeBob''': Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say. :'''Customers''': ..."The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one"! ===''The Bully (3.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hi. I'm SpongeBob! :'''Flats''': Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps, then giggles]'' That joke was almost funnier the second time! :'''Flats''': No, ''I mean it.'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[giggles again]'' That time it almost seemed like... ''[Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".]'' You really ''did'' mean it. ==Episode 4== ===''Nasty Patty (4.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor. :'''Mr. Krabs''': You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped! :'''SpongeBob''': Duped! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Bamboozled! :'''SpongeBob''': We've been smeckledorfed! :'''Mr. Krabs''': That's not even a word and I agree with ya! ===''[[w:Idiot Box (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Idiot Box (4.2)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': How are you doing that? :'''SpongeBob''': First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet. :'''Squidward''': The noises! How are you two making those noises? :'''Patrick''': Well, that's easy. All you need is a box. :'''SpongeBob''': And... ''imagination! [forms a rainbow with his hands]'' :'''Squidward''': Are you trying to say I have no imagination?! I have more... ''"imagination"'' in 1 tentacle than you 2 have in your whole bodies! :'''Patrick''': That's good! Now all you need is a box. ==Episode 5== === ''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV (5.1)'' === :''[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]'' :'''Patrick''': You know what the problem is? :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Patrick''': You got it set to "M" for "mini"... ''[turns the "M" on the belt upside down]'' ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo"! :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word. :'''Patrick''': Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ... :'''Squidward''': ''[thinking]'' I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me. :'''Patrick''': ...Wumbology - the study of wumbo?! It's first grade, Spongebob! :'''Spongebob''': Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you. ===''Doing Time (5.2)''=== :''[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to rob the bank]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Alright! Put the money. ''In. The. Bag!'' PUT IT IN! :'''Bank Teller''': Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[turns around, laughing] '''ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!!!''''' :'''Bank Teller''': Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir? :'''SpongeBob''': Uhh, savings. :'''Bank Teller''': May I please see some identification? :'''SpongeBob''': Sure. ''[gives him a card]'' Here ya go. :'''Bank Teller''': Thank you. ''[The card is shown to be SpongeBob's Jellyfishers Club Membership card; SpongeBob gives Patrick a thumbs up]'' Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh. :'''Bank Teller''': Next! ==Episode 6== ===''Snowball Effect (6.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and we'll defeat the Pink Menace! :'''Patrick''': That's me! :'''Squidward''': Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me! ===''One Krab's Trash (6.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': That looks like a toilet plunger I threw out yesterday! :'''Mr. Krabs''': That ain't no toilet plunger! This here's an antique! It's, um... uh... ''[turns the rubber part of the plunger upside-down]'' ...A 17th-century soup ladle, see? :'''Patrick''': Wow, was I using mine wrong! How much? :'''Mr. Krabs''': $5. :'''Patrick''': I've only got $7. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Deal. :'''Patrick''': Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper. I’m prepared to give you $500 for that drink-hat. Here lies Squidward’s hopes and dreams. ==Episode 7== ===''As Seen on T.V. (7.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What in Neptune's name is going on?! :'''Squidward''': We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs. :'''Mr. Krabs''': What you're doing is throwing away me money! I told you to rent, only, what is absolutely necessary! :'''Squidward''': This is all necessary! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Then what's that useless junk?! :'''Squidward''': That's the useless junk for scene, uh... 28. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh well, then how do you explain ''that?'' ''[sees another Krusty Krab]'' A second Krusty Krab?! :'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, ''everyone'' needs an understudy! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? ''[points to a clownfish]'' :'''Squidward''': This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs. ===''Can You Spare a Dime? (7.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[to SpongeBob, after quitting]'' You know, there's something I've been wanting to tell you from the day we first met - goodbye. ==Episode 8== ===''No Weenies Allowed (8.1)''=== :'''Sandy''': Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice." ===''Squilliam Returns (8.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. ''[He imagines Squilliam as a hot underwear model.]'' OH NO, HE'S HOT! ==Episode 9== ===''Krab Borg (9.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': There you go! Enjoy your– Say, you're not a robot, are you? :'''Customer''': No... I'm not. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, keep your eyes peeled. ''They're everywhere.'' :'''Squidward''': We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how? :'''SpongeBob''': Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot. :'''Squidward''': They poop on the robot? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information. :'''Squidward''': I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop! ===''Rock-a-Bye Bivalve (9.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, breakfast is ready. :'''Patrick''': All right. All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. ''[lifts the table to gobble up food, then burps]'' Hey, Junior. How you doing today? ''[smells the stink]'' SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Kid's got a stinky. :'''SpongeBob''': Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. :'''Patrick''': ''[Drinks a coffee while Junior begins to cry]'' Wish I could, but I'm gotta get going. :'''SpongeBob''': Going? Where are you going? :'''Patrick''': Going to work. I'm the dad, remember? :'''SpongeBob''': You mean I have to do this baby stuff myself? :'''Patrick''': I'll give you the break when I get home. Don't you stop being adorable. ''[laughs as he close the door]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Okay… ==Episode 10== ===''Wet Painters (10.1)''=== :''[SpongeBob dips his brush into one of the cans of paint and tentatively approaches one of the walls]'' :'''SpongeBob''': All right, Patrick, let's get started painting this wall, with the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall! Well... here we go. ''[A time card reading "One hour later" appears on the screen]'' :'''Narrator''': One hour later... :'''SpongeBob''': ''[sweating profusely]'' Just a few more seconds of mental preparation, and I'll be painting this wall. ''[The next time card reads "Two hours later"]'' :'''Narrator''': Two hours later... ''[SpongeBob is still standing in the same spot, and not a drop of paint has touched the wall]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I'm getting to the painting. ''[The next time card reads "Three hours later"]'' :'''Narrator''': Three hours later... :'''Patrick''': ''[pulls the time card out of the scene]'' Could you move it along? I'm all out of time cards. ===''Krusty Krab Training Video (10.2)''=== :'''Narrator''': But for every good employee, there is one who is ''not'' so good. ''[about Squidward]'' Let's see, inattentive, impatient, a glazed look in the eyes. Look carefully at the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now!" button. There's a name for employees like this, but we'll call him... "Squidward". ==''[[w:Party Pooper Pants|Party Pooper Pants (Episode 11)]]''== :'''Patrick''': ''[reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down]'' Kirtap si eman, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it. :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, you dumb bunny! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"! :'''Patrick''': ''[shakes his hand]'' Nice to meet you, Patrick! <hr width=50%> :''[looking at discussion cards]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': What does yours say, Plankton? :'''Plankton''': Um... Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." ''[the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"]'' Ahem... How interesting. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Nice try, Plankton. ==Episode 12== ===''[[w:Chocolate with Nuts|Chocolate with Nuts (12.1)]]''=== :''[SpongeBob rings the doorbell and the same con-artist who sold them a bunch of candy bar bags appears.]'' :'''Con-artist''': Yes? :'''SpongeBob''': Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags? :'''Con-artist''': I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my ''patented'' candy-bar-bag-carrying bags. :'''Patrick''': We'll take 20! ===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V (12.2)''=== :'''Barnacle Boy:''' I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra! ==Episode 13== ===''[[w:New Student Starfish|New Student Starfish (13.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holding in laughter]'' Patrick. : '''Patrick''': ''[also holding in laughter]'' What? :'''SpongeBob''': I thought of something funnier then 24. :'''Patrick''': Let me hear it. :'''SpongeBob''': 25. ==''Ugh (Episode 14)''== :'''Patchy''': Like I was saying, prehistoric times were the greatest. It was a simpler time with simpler pleasures. Your clothes always match. [cut to Patchy with a paintbrush] You can draw on the walls and nobody would yell at ya. ''[holds up a club]'' It was much easier to hit a baseball. Oh yeah, prehistoric times were the best. <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': Hooray. It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned. <hr width=50%> :'''Potty''': Just When to Show you, there's no hard feelings and i got you a present from prehistoric times. :'''Patchy''': Oh, What is It, A New Loincloth? :'''Potty''': No. :'''Patchy''': An Enlarged Forehead? :'''Potty''': No. :'''Patchy''': Oh, What is it? [Potty opens the door, the dinosaur roars to the screen, he screams, eyes turn big, then turned small and runs away] ==Episode 15== ===''[[w:The Great Snail Race|The Great Snail Race (15.1)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': Snelly's a purebred. :'''Patrick''': Wow, a snail made out of bread! ===''[[w:Mid-Life Crustacean|Mid-Life Crustacean (15.2)]]''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're ''lame!''! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Lame?! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Lame! You're NERDS! GEEKS! CREEPS! And BABIES! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Not 'babies!' ''[suck their thumbs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night! So good night to ya! ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Patrick''': I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid. :'''Mr. Krabs''': The what? :'''Patrick''': I said, "I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid." :'''Mr. Krabs''': "Panty raid"? ''[walks back to them]'' You're talkin' about girls, right? ''[pause]'' Girl girls...? :'''Patrick''': Yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': And you're talking about raiding their dressers... for their underpants, right? :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': ''Not lame!'' ==Episode 16== ===''Born Again Krabs (16.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Wait just a burger-flipping second! ''[Flying Dutchman turns around]'' :'''The Flying Dutchman''': ''[angrily]'' Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman!?! :'''SpongeBob''': That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. ===''I Had an Accident (16.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Sandy. Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward. :'''Squidward''': Stop naming moves after me. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[imitating Squidward]'' Everyone's an idiot except for me! :'''Squidward''': Well, it's true. ''[drinks tea]'' ==Episode 17== ===''Krabby Land (17.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was... Cheapy the Cheapskate! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hey, I ain't cheap! ''[rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns red]'' Now, put this tomato in the oven before it spoils. ===''[[w:The Camping Episode|The Camping Episode (17.2)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks. :'''SpongeBob''': Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows! ''[holds up a bag of marshmallows, takes one and eats it]'' Mmmm-mmmm! Just like the astronauts eat! ==Episode 18== ===''Plankton's Army (18.1)''=== :'''Plankton''': Can I have the secret formula? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No. :'''Plankton''': Okay. ''[walks away]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[voiceover]'' But he was persistent! :'''Plankton''': ''[comes back]'' Pretty please? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh-uh. ===''Missing Identity (18.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way!'' Baa! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. ''[tastes the snail food; his face turns green]'' Bleah! *Echos* :''[In snail food headquarters]'' :'''Woman''': What is it, Peterson? :'''Peterson''': I don't know, I feel... a disturbance. ==''[[w:The Sponge Who Could Fly|The Sponge Who Could Fly (Episode 19)]]''== :'''Narrator''': Last week, a never-before-seen episode of SpongeBob SquarePants was discovered under a desk at Nickelodeon Studios. Now all the world is waiting in fevered anticipation to watch the SpongeBob SquarePants Lost Episode. ''[an aerial shot of the town appears]'' Now, to present the Lost Episode, from Encino, California, the president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. <hr width="50%"> :'''Patchy''': That's it? That's the Lost Episode? That was just a bunch of cheap walk cycles! :'''Potty''': What a rip. :'''Patchy''': SpongeBob betrayed us! ''[throws away SpongeBob merchandise]'' I'm sorry I ever started this stupid fan club in the first place. I'm gonna get rid of all my SpongeBob stuff. All of it! All of it! All of it! I'm gonna run away, that's what I'll do, run away! ''[runs out the door crying] '' :'''Potty''': Sheesh, what a hothead. :'''Announcer''': And now, the ''real'' lost episode! :'''Potty''': Patchy, come back! There's more! :'''Patchy''': Really? ''[shuts the door while reentering again, quickly going in reverse, completely undoing his rage, then sits back down]'' Hooray! Let's watch! <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': "Local nutcase tries to fly"?! I'm a nutcase because I follow my dreams? Well, they laughed at the guy who invented light bulbs, too! :'''Fish''': No, they didn't. ==Episode 20== ===''SpongeBob Meets the Strangler (20.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[looking at the clock]'' Wait for it… :'''Computer Voice''': On Time Percentage - 100% :'''Squidward''': Another day, another migraine. ''[laughs]'' Mi– :'''Computer Voice''': On Time Percentage - 12% :'''Squidward''': –graine. ===''Pranks a Lot (20.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, invisible spray! :'''Patrick''': ''[looking confused]'' But I can see it. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] 4ucfu3qiebjdmkpyrknmaezj7mnict7 0 178725 3155679 3153787 2022-08-17T23:57:14Z 108.29.85.180 /* Pilot */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Pilot=== :''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]'' :'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. :'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. :'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. :'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. :'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks each]'' :'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. :'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. :'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. :'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. :'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. :'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. :'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. :'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. :'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… :'''Josh''':...Okay. :'''Drake''':...Unusual. :''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]'' :'''Audrey''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols. :''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]'' :'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming! :'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here. :'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here? :'''Josh''': Tell him. :'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister. :'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan! :'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet? :'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news! :'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike? :'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]'' :'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]'' :'''Drake''': You're getting ma-ma-ma...? :'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family! :'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...? :'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the door knocks]'' :'''Tiffany''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]'' :'''Tiffany''': Buck! :'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true! :'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion? :'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?! :'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing! :'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want. :'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me? :'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian! :'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]'' :'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic! :'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee. :'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': May I…? :'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha! ''[hugs]'' ===Dune Buggy=== :'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat? :'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me? :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything! :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to- :'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it! :'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about? :'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. :'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy. :'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know? :'''Josh''': They're gonna! :'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me! :'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them. :'''Drake''': Are you crazy? :'''Josh''': No, I'm honest! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks! :'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? :'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at. :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]'' :'''Josh''': Pizza's here. :'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about? :'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it! :'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too. :'''Josh''': Heh? :'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad. :'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-! :'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream? :'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh! :'''Josh''': Aw, come on! ===Believe Me, Brother=== :'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all. :'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]'' :'''Drake''': Susan? :'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here. :'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think. <hr width='50%'/> :'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Susan dumps both of them]'' :'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely. :'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good. :''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]'' :'''Susan''': Ugh! :'''Drake''': That felt better. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it did. ===Two Idiots and a Baby=== :'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate. :'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs! :'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else? :'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one a scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult. :'''Drake''': So? :'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]'' :'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room? :'''Josh''': This is my room. :'''Drake''': It was my room first. :'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he? :'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter. :'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby. :'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby? :'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl. :'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake. :'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby? ===First Crush=== :'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself. :'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend? :'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Ah! Snake! ===Grammy=== :'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage. :'''Rina''': This is not backstage! :'''Paul''': This is practically jail. :'''Drake''': Those guys are cops. :'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty! :'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake. :'''Drake''': Are you sure? :'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What? :'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets! :'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it. :'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake? :'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps. :'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men. :'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night. :'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?" ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] 6vtqs6xcerujg6uvr0n9chrm48enx8z 0 178726 3155670 3155473 2022-08-17T22:56:21Z 108.29.85.180 /* The Bet */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== Megan: [comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up] Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :''[Drake's guitar sets on fire]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh slams the guitar case on Devin's hands]'' :'''Manager''': Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] rsd9ewwzknz19hof12y56aaa14fhbvx 3155671 3155670 2022-08-17T22:59:09Z 108.29.85.180 /* The Bet */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== Megan: [comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up] Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. < Josh: GameSphere, gamesphere, Drake: Oh, my face, Audrey: Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :''[Drake's guitar sets on fire]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh slams the guitar case on Devin's hands]'' :'''Manager''': Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] 2ih1n11qdwi4u0cdpty3svrujayfytw 3155680 3155671 2022-08-18T00:03:19Z 108.29.85.180 /* The Bet */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== :'''Megan''': ''[comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]'' Hello? ''[the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them]'' HELLO? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah. This is for you. ''[gives her an umbrella]'' :'''Audrey''': Hi. ''[notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated]'' Drake, Josh! :'''Drake and Josh''': Huh? ''[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]'' :'''Drake''': Hey! ''[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's video game]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' What up with THAT? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': GameSphere, gamesphere, :'''Drake''': Oh, my face, :'''Audrey''': Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :''[Drake's guitar sets on fire]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh slams the guitar case on Devin's hands]'' :'''Manager''': Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] m4s0mo7hqfw7fpx5iylwcbkex8dlylq 3155744 3155680 2022-08-18T02:57:58Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D541:54F6:3340:381 /* Guitar */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== :'''Megan''': ''[comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]'' Hello? ''[the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them]'' HELLO? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah. This is for you. ''[gives her an umbrella]'' :'''Audrey''': Hi. ''[notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated]'' Drake, Josh! :'''Drake and Josh''': Huh? ''[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]'' :'''Drake''': Hey! ''[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's video game]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' What up with THAT? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': GameSphere, gamesphere, :'''Drake''': Oh, my face, :'''Audrey''': Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': Drake! Um, it's not what you think! I see that I plugged into the- :'''Drake''': I know. Megan told me everything. :'''Josh''': Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do- :'''Drake''': You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. ''[pause]'' Holy snot! That's Devin Malone! :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! ''[he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin]'' Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Drake''': Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you. :'''Devin''': Yeah, you play? :'''Drake''': Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are. :'''Josh''': He's amazing with the guitar. He cannot really bring the fork. :'''Devin''': Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special. :'''Drake''': I hear ya. :'''Josh''': Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing in my life baby. Yeah! ''[he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which caused Devin to scream]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! Are you okay? :'''Manager''': What happened? Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] cvgbcvyc16ekrizz3cg6eqx28132ffl 3155745 3155744 2022-08-18T02:59:57Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D541:54F6:3340:381 /* Guitar */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== :'''Megan''': ''[comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]'' Hello? ''[the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them]'' HELLO? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah. This is for you. ''[gives her an umbrella]'' :'''Audrey''': Hi. ''[notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated]'' Drake, Josh! :'''Drake and Josh''': Huh? ''[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]'' :'''Drake''': Hey! ''[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's video game]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' What up with THAT? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': GameSphere, gamesphere, :'''Drake''': Oh, my face, :'''Audrey''': Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[while walking downstairs]'' Josh? :'''Josh''': Drake! Um, it's not what you think! I see that I plugged into the- :'''Drake''': I know. Megan told me everything. :'''Josh''': Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do- :'''Drake''': You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. ''[pause]'' Holy snot! That's Devin Malone! :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! ''[he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin]'' Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Drake''': Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you. :'''Devin''': Yeah, you play? :'''Drake''': Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are. :'''Josh''': He's amazing with the guitar. He cannot really bring the fork. :'''Devin''': Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special. :'''Drake''': I hear ya. :'''Josh''': Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing in my life baby. Yeah! ''[he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which caused Devin to scream]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! Are you okay? :'''Manager''': What happened? Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] ee6bchb65m87eur4ebg3sbmfn1fcq0o 3155748 3155745 2022-08-18T03:05:49Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D541:54F6:3340:381 /* Honor Council */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== :'''Megan''': ''[comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]'' Hello? ''[the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them]'' HELLO? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah. This is for you. ''[gives her an umbrella]'' :'''Audrey''': Hi. ''[notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated]'' Drake, Josh! :'''Drake and Josh''': Huh? ''[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]'' :'''Drake''': Hey! ''[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's video game]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' What up with THAT? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': GameSphere, gamesphere, :'''Drake''': Oh, my face, :'''Audrey''': Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[while walking downstairs]'' Josh? :'''Josh''': Drake! Um, it's not what you think! I see that I plugged into the- :'''Drake''': I know. Megan told me everything. :'''Josh''': Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do- :'''Drake''': You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. ''[pause]'' Holy snot! That's Devin Malone! :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! ''[he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin]'' Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Drake''': Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you. :'''Devin''': Yeah, you play? :'''Drake''': Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are. :'''Josh''': He's amazing with the guitar. He cannot really bring the fork. :'''Devin''': Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special. :'''Drake''': I hear ya. :'''Josh''': Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing in my life baby. Yeah! ''[he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which caused Devin to scream]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! Are you okay? :'''Manager''': What happened? Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And…? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and she tells him that he got suspended for doing it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] ircq47ixfeu198oouaffejpjhcj10y6 3155749 3155748 2022-08-18T03:06:23Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D541:54F6:3340:381 /* The Gary Grill */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Bet=== :'''Megan''': ''[comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]'' Hello? ''[the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them]'' HELLO? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah. This is for you. ''[gives her an umbrella]'' :'''Audrey''': Hi. ''[notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated]'' Drake, Josh! :'''Drake and Josh''': Huh? ''[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]'' :'''Drake''': Hey! ''[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's video game]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' What up with THAT? <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]'' :'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault. :'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that! :'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella? :'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld! :'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games. :'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them! :'''Drake''': How sad. :'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you? :'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!” :'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value. :'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes. :'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes. :'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food! :'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me. :'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet! :'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses. :'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?! :'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink. :'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink. :'''Drake''': So we're starting right now? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning. :'''Drake''': Morning works. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': GameSphere, gamesphere, :'''Drake''': Oh, my face, :'''Audrey''': Can you believe them? <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do? :'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake? :'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food. :'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is! :'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow? :'''Josh''': Cotton candy. :'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? :'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' :'''Drake''': Nice try, Josh, but it's not going to work. :'''Josh''': But doesn't it all look so good? :'''Drake''': Not as good as this GameSphere. ''[picks up console]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gasps]'' You tease! :''[the TV turns on]'' :'''Console''': Welcome to GameSphere. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Hi! :'''Console''': Prepare for the ultimate gaming experience. Now let's play some games! :'''Josh''': Ah, you're killing me here! :'''Drake''': Hurts, doesn't it? :'''Josh''': ''[runs to get a cup and scoops it in the chocolae pool]'' Mmm... chocolate milk. :'''Drake''': Big deal. :'''Josh''': ''[eats the cup]'' Chocolate cup. ''[gasps as Drake picks up the wireless Battlepad]'' You got the wireless Battlepad! :'''Drake''': Yep, look at me, walking and playing, I'm playing the GameSphere. :'''Josh''': Mmm... marshmallows! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Ooh, level 2! :'''Josh''': Loving that licorice! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, hey, I just warped. Man, look at those graphics! :'''Josh''': Everybody loves gummy bears! ''[stuffs it in his mouth]'' :[finally, the boys can’t take it anymore] :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects and cave]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVED! ''[they start arguing, eventually both stop, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' :'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! :'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. :'''Drake and Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': The contract says: "Whoever caves must dye his hair pink." You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] :'''Drake''': Mom! :'''Josh''': Dad! :'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. :'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. :'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' :'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... :'''Audrey''': Well, I... :'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. :''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well, while the boys are satisfied with their parents losing]'' ===Guitar=== :'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar? :'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Josh? :'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew? :'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar? :'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me? :'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked. :'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety. :'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key? :'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?! :'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish? :'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]'' :'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key? :'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith. :'''Drake''': You have a locksmith? :'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing. :'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone. :'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk! :'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[while walking downstairs]'' Josh? :'''Josh''': Drake! Um, it's not what you think! I see that I plugged into the- :'''Drake''': I know. Megan told me everything. :'''Josh''': Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do- :'''Drake''': You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. ''[pause]'' Holy snot! That's Devin Malone! :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! ''[he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin]'' Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Drake''': Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you. :'''Devin''': Yeah, you play? :'''Drake''': Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are. :'''Josh''': He's amazing with the guitar. He cannot really bring the fork. :'''Devin''': Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special. :'''Drake''': I hear ya. :'''Josh''': Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing in my life baby. Yeah! ''[he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which caused Devin to scream]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! Are you okay? :'''Manager''': What happened? Are you hurt? :'''Devin''': Yes. :'''Manager''': Is it your hand? :'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes! :'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up? :'''Devin''': I don't care! :'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! :'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness? ===Movie Job=== :'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest? :'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit. :'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit? :'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve? :'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so- :'''Josh''': Crazy? :'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job? :'''Josh''': No. :'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]'' :'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie? :'''Josh''': Busted. :'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. :'''Helen''': Why? :'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian. :'''Josh''': What?! :'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway! :'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system. :'''Helen''': Of course. :'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9. :'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics. :'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident. :'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager? :'''Josh''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' EVIL! ===Football=== :''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]'' :'''Megan''': You look terrible. :'''Josh''': Thanks. :'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails? :'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? :'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! :'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool. :'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team. :'''Drake''': You did? :'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out! :'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager! :'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool. :'''Josh''': But I'm on the team. :'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool! :'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]'' :'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry? :'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players! :'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks. :'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes? :'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms. :'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]'' :'''Megan''': Hey, Josh. :'''Josh''': What's up, Megs? :'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon? :'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen. :'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you. :''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing? :'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team. :'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]'' :''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]'' :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones? :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah? :'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate. :''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]'' :'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness. :'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven. :''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]'' :'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not? :'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and- :'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS! :'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do? :'''Coach Davis''': What did you do? :'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about? :'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did! :''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]'' :'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods. :'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad! :'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright? :'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat? :'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again. :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket! :'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets! :'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit! :''[the football players gasp in shock]'' :'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit! :'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center! :'''Drake''': Josh will play center! :'''Josh''': Josh who?! :'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool! :'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS! :'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww! ===Pool Shark=== :''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]'' :'''Josh''': I'm so excited. :'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed. :'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more. :'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh. :'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it. :'''Drake''': Kill me. :'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together. :'''Drake''': Please kill me. :'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do. :'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there. :'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together? :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia. :'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent. :'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage! :'''Josh''': That's French! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys. :'''Josh''': How come? :'''Drake''': It's Eric. :'''Josh''': What's up? :'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital. :'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened? :'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad. :'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom. :'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue. ===Smart Girl=== :''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]'' :'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise! :'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat. :'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating. :'''Josh''': Beg to differ. :'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet. :'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures. :'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please? :'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin. :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty. :'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother. :'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': What are you doing?! :'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat. :'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job. :'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference! :'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna? :'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna! :'''Drake''': Listen to me. :'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]'' :'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': MEGAN! :'''Josh''': MEGAN! ===Little Diva=== :'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche... :'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche? :'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there! :''[later]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche! :'''Drake''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president? :'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um. :''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]'' :'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding. :'''Reporters''': Ow! :'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her. :'''Drake''': Yes? :'''Man''': Why are you answering for her? :'''Josh''': She has laringitis! :'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in- :'''Josh''': -the asylum! :'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over! :''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]'' ===Blues Brothers=== :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over. :'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row. :'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted! :'''Drake & Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?! :'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]'' :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you. :'''Drake''': Yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me. :'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all. :'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch. :'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched? :'''Megan''': Dad. :'''Josh''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> : '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now : '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right? : '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this : '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter) ===Driver's License=== :'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]'' :'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive. :'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour. :'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen. :'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride. :'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure. :'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license. :'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me? :'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that? :'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]'' :'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out. :'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper! :'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please? :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that. :'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license. :'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license? :'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night. :'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Why? :'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son. :'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets. :'''Police Officer''': What for? :'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]'' ===#1 Fan=== :''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]'' :'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up. :'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing? :'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation. :''[all the Campfire Kids groan]'' :'''Pete''': You're the worst! :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere? :'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone. :'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone. :'''Megan''': I always have my phone. :'''Josh''': The battery's dead. :'''Megan''': I always carry a- :'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region. :'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone? :'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie! :''[the Campfire Kids cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen! :'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you! :'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship. :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': So when's the wedding? :''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]'' :'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice. :'''Pete''': Who said I was nice? ===Mean Teacher=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz. :'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]'' :'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one. :'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me? :'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake! :'''Drake''': Uh, Greek. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd? :'''Todd''': Greek? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct! :''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]'' :'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here? :'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? :'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter? :'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick! :'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you. :'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]'' :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom. :'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term "student" loosely. :'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]'' :'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want? :'''Drake''': Um... :'''Kelly''': Why don't you take me to play miniature golf? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know I- :'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]'' :'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha! ===The Gary Grill=== :'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills. :'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. :'''Drake''': So, how many do you want? :'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what. :'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all. :'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them? :'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]'' :'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash. :'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]'' :'''Drake''': Dude, cash only. :'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand. :'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yes? :'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property. :'''Drake''': Stolen the grills? :'''FBI Man 2''': That's right. :'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen. :'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Yeah? :'''Josh''': I read about prison. :'''Drake''': And...? :'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN! :''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]'' :'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do? :'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills! :'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us! :'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough. :'''Josh''': Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buddy''': Guy? :'''Guy''': Yeah? :'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. :'''Guy''': And...? :'''Buddy''': ''[defeated]'' It ain't fun! ===Drew & Jerry=== :''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this? :'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside. :'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face? :'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late. :'''Josh''': Late for what? :'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00. :'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's. :'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today? :'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything. :'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day? :'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]'' :'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]'' :'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you? :'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew. :'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous. :'''Drake''': I'm not jealous. :'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with. :'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with. :'''Megan''': You should. :'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2? :'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]'' ===Honor Council=== :''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]'' :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from? :'''Bud''': It was in your trunk. :'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket. :'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom? :'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED! :'''Drake''': Come on, now you have... :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and she tells him that he got suspended for doing it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal. :'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me. :'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'. :'''Drake''': Like when? :'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room. :'''Drake''': By accident. :'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters. :'''Drake''': To make money. :'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding? :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister. :'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules. :'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show. :'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty. :'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts. :'''Drake''': What's that? :'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters? :'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet? :'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case. :'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome. :'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days. :'''Drake''': That's awesome. :'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you. :'''Drake''': That's not awesome. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] nic2wa1yicshp0kxcdovcblu57n28di 0 178727 3155673 3155488 2022-08-17T23:02:22Z 108.29.85.180 /* The Affair */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake Wake Up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great, can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake, Josh, and Megan imagine themselves as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 2 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] nsm74m7izbfqe3ttxaesz6lu4o3s47z 3155674 3155673 2022-08-17T23:05:17Z 108.29.85.180 /* Girl Power */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake Wake Up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great, can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake, Josh, and Megan imagine themselves as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 6ds7lncvflpnua70yepjr2tzhmbputd 3155681 3155674 2022-08-18T00:08:23Z 108.29.85.180 /* Foam Finger */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake Wake Up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great, can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight] :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] dyckr79d470ohp3s2pxnu83qp0ddayu 3155682 3155681 2022-08-18T00:08:39Z 108.29.85.180 /* Foam Finger */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake Wake Up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great, can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]'' :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] ltya0h769biimlt6pqnywxc7qnj6pxq 3155685 3155682 2022-08-18T00:10:31Z 108.29.85.180 /* Foam Finger */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake Wake Up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great, can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]'' :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fast as lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 4lxgp4r5zam2p2nmasrfepneeg12gl1 3155686 3155685 2022-08-18T00:12:07Z 108.29.85.180 /* The Affair */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake, wake up,! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! ''[climbs into Drake's bed and jumps on him]'' DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great. Can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]'' :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fast as lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] eyoacb7why37pt80jurw6fl451z9xmk 3155746 3155686 2022-08-18T03:02:59Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D541:54F6:3340:381 /* The Affair */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake, wake up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! ''[climbs into Drake's bed and jumps on him]'' DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great. Can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]'' :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as old people, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fast as lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] dkzutykufh0pmg4g424avdz01vyywpz 3155810 3155746 2022-08-18T10:58:57Z 108.29.85.180 /* Foam Finger */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===The Drake & Josh Inn=== :''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]'' :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say'' :'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!'' :'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!'' :'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway? :'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend. :'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house. :'''Drake''': The refrigerator. :'''Josh''': The TV set. :'''Drake''': And, the you. :'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge? :'''Josh''': Yeah, we are. :'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]'' :'''Megan''': I was watching something. :'''Josh''': Um. Were. :'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]'' :'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE. :'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]'' :'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]'' :'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on? :'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up! :'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please! :'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency! :'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn! :'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me. :'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas! :'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed! :'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately- :'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em! :'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party! :''[everyone starts dancing again]'' :'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now! :'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]'' :'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]'' :'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas! :''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' <hr width=50%> :''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' :'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? :'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. :'''Walter''': Heh? :'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. :'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. :'''Walter''': But, officers- :'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' :'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? :'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]'' ===Peruvian Puff Pepper=== :''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]'' :'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here! :'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives. :'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything? :'''Drake''': No, look under the bed. :'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there? :'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Check out this family picture! :'''Josh''': What about it? :'''Drake''': I look good! :'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here? :'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room. :'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment! :'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]'' :'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty. :'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]'' :'''Josh''': What do we do now? :'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is. :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]'' :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]'' ===We're Married=== :''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before? :'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up? :'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello? :'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department. :'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it? :'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three. :'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt! :'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father. :'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': On it. :'''Josh''': Not that way! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL! :'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony. :'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this? :'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!! :'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage. :'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan. :'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back! :'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me. :'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]'' ===Mindy's Back=== :'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want? :'''Josh''': Oh, yeah? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort. :'''Josh''': Fort. :'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Spell it twice. :'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T. :'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times. :'''Josh''': Fort, fort. :'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with? :'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha! :'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon. :'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the- :'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you! :'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too! :'''Mindy''': Oh, really?! :'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much! :'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not? :'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?! :'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you! :'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''! :'''Mindy''': Fine! :'''Josh''': Fine! :'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend! :'''Josh''': 1 condition! :'''Mindy''': What? :'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. :'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window? ===The Affair=== :'''Josh''': Drake, wake up! Drake! Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! ''[climbs into Drake's bed and jumps on him]'' DRAKE, WAKE UP I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! :'''Drake''': Hi. I'm calling the police. :'''Josh''': Look, Drake, alright you were right. :'''Drake''': Great. Can you give me that bullhorn? Thanks. ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets off]'' Now, what was I right about? :'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. :'''Drake''': What happened? :'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!" :'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! :'''Josh''': I know! :'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. :'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom. :'''Drake''': Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, I gotta know. :'''Drake''': Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to. :'''Josh''': Excuse me? ''[picks up his trophy]'' Perfect attendance since nursery school. :'''Drake''': Ah, the golden dork award. :'''Josh''': I'm not ditchin school. :'''Drake''': Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence. :'''Josh''': Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note? :'''Drake''': Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids? <hr width=50%> :''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]'' :'''Josh''': A-Are you okay? :'''Drake''': What's the matter? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin! :'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?! :'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle! :'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! :'''Drake''': What's the difference? :'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA! :'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake. :'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? :'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler! :'''Drake''': He said inhaler! :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]'' :'''Drake''': What's up? :'''Josh''': Hi. :'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers? :'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad. :'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet. :'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it. :'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting. :'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off. :'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but- :'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right. :'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you. :'''Drake''': You know, he's married. :'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him. :'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]'' :'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]'' :'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done? :'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further! :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes! :'''Walter''': Wait, please. :'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]'' :''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]'' :'''Josh''': We know you're mad. :'''Drake''': But we had to do it. :'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom. :'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family. :'''Josh''': But don't worry. :'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode. :'''Josh''': We got your back! :'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? :'''Josh''': Well, uh... :'''Drake''': Yeah. :'''Walter''': Boys, that "skunk-bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA! :'''Josh''': Well, that's different. :'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go. :'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]'' :'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else. :'''Josh''': Right. :'''Drake''': No problem. :'''Josh''': Now? :'''Walter''': Uh-huh. :''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]'' ===Playing the Field=== :''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori. :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake? :'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that. :'''Josh''': I'm being a girl. :'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother? :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT! :'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this. :'''Drake''': Tori? :''[Josh hums as Tori]'' :'''Mindy''': Now take your hands. :'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it! :'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it. :'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too! :'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand. :'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes? :'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE! :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here? :'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy. :'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache? :'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone. :'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half? :'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do. :'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you! :'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls. :'''Drake''': Name two. :'''Josh''': I can't! :'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here! :'''Josh''': What are you doing? :'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': Do I look good? :'''Drake''': Here comes Liza! :'''Josh''': Hot Liza? :'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous. :''[Josh mumbles]'' :'''Liza''': Hey Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh. :'''Liza''': What's up with him? :'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]'' ===Helen's Surgery=== :'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars. :'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this? :'''Helen''': Is that some of your business? :'''Drake''': How do you afford it? :'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''. :'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s? :'''Helen''': That's the one. :'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''? :'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia. :'''Drake''': Awesome. :'''Josh''': So cool. :'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. :'''Josh''': Alright. :''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]'' :'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play. :'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play. :''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]'' :'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me! :'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone. :'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! :'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now! :'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' :'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up. :'''Georgia''': That is not my job! :'''Drake''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase! :'''Josh''': That is not my job! :'''Helen''': You don't do it right! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello? :'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something? :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home. :'''Josh''': Helen's at our house? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen. :'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary! :'''Megan''': Here that? :'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]'' ===Paging Dr. Drake=== :'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall. :'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug. :'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug. :'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug. :'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG! :'''Audrey''': Right now! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]'' :'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane? :'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]'' :'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you? :'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted! :'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital. :'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what? :'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]'' :'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! :'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!! :'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!! :'''Megan''': Cool! :''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]'' :'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good. :'''Audrey''': How did this happened? :'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it. :'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato. :'''Audrey''': A potato? :'''Drake''': It's a long story. :'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this? :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! :'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be? :'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot! :'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now. :''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]'' :'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it? :'''Walter and Audrey''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse. :'''Nurse''': Yes? :'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols. :'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away. :'''Walter''': What? :'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours. :'''Walter''': Thanks. :'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' ===Foam Finger=== :''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey! :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name? :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me? :'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends? :'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me? :'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line. :'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers. :''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]'' :'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies! :'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left? :'''Lenny''': Just one. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it! :'''Little Josh''': Heh!? :'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger! :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me! :'''Little Drake''': Did not. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! :''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up! <hr width=50%/> :''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Hey! What the heck is taking so long? :'''Little Drake''': Oh, don't worry. The line is pretty moving fast! :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Who asked you? :'''Lenny''': Next in line! :'''Little Josh''': He said next in line! Get your butt off your ears! :'''Little Drake''': Oh sorry! :'''Little Josh''': Just hurry up! :''[a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Little Girl''': Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts. :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' Ah! For the lava crud! :'''Little Drake''': Sure, go right ahead. :''[Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]'' :'''Little Girl''': You're very kind. ''[leaves]'' :'''Little Drake''': Uh, one foam finger please. :'''Lenny''': O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one? :'''Little Josh''': ''[complaining]'' The last one?! :'''Little Drake''': Sorry. :'''Little Josh''': You're dead punk. ''[he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]'' :'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand... :'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir. :'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom. :'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry? :'''Little Megan''': Yeah! :'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie. :'''Little Megan''': I am hungry! :'''Audrey''': Take the cookie! :'''Little Josh''': Hey. :'''Little Drake''': Hey. :'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh. :'''Little Drake''': Drake. :'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger. :'''Little Drake''': Me too. :'''Little Josh''': Cool. :'''Lenny''': Next in line. :'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up. :''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]'' :'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you? :'''Little Drake''': Cool with you? :'''Little Josh''': Sure. :'''Little Drake''': Go ahead. :'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman. :'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen. :'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]'' :'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please. :'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one. :'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger? :'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry. :'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me. :'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't. :''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]'' :'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops! :''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]'' :'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight. :'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie. :'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]'' :'''Josh''': Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. :'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. :''[flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as seniors, all old and cranky]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! :'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? :'''Both''': Megaaaaan! :'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. :'''Elderly Drake''': No, you asked for the cream of wheat. :'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! :''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! :'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. :'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' :'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! :'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie! :'''Elderly Josh''': It is on! :'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! :'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! :'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time! :'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fast as lighting! :''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]'' ===Girl Power=== :'''Drake''': You know what I love about you? :'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me? :'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you. :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid. :'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me. :'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night. :'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player? :'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb. :'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it? :'''Drake''': Cool with what? :'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you. :'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard. :'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say. :'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me. :'''Lucy''': Kinda. :''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lucy''': Woops. :'''Drake''': Not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]'' :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Josh, who are these people? :'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is- :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': He's your brother? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going! :'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait! :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it! :'''Drake''': Josh. :'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship! :'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]'' :'''Lucy''': Stop! :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating. :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind? :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Just 1 thing. :'''Josh''': Yes, sir? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': What were you 2 fighting about? :'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lucy''': Huh? :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls. :'''Drake''': Ah, thank you. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot. :'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics. :'''Mr. Crenshaw''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women. :'''Mrs. Crenshaw''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you. :'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this. :'''Boy''': FIGHT! :''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]'' ===Sheep Thrills=== :''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]'' :'''Josh''': What up with the sheep? :'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep? :'''Drake''': This thing's yours? :'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb? :'''Josh''': His name is Bob? :'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb! :'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]'' :'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep? :'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet. :'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com. :'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet. :'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep. :'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl. :'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room. :'''Josh''': Oh really. :'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that? :'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad. :'''Josh''': Yeah. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months. :''[Drake and Josh both gasp]'' :'''Josh''': For real? :'''Drake''': You swear. :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Josh''': Think about it. :'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us. :''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it. :'''Megan''': Excellent. :'''Drake''': But just for a few days. :'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]'' :'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our- :'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb! :''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]'' :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it. :'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah. :'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS! :''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]'' :'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight. :'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room? :'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb. :'''Walter''': Josh. :'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault! :'''Audrey''': Here we go again. :'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online. :'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset! :'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep. :'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely. :'''Drake''': It's true! :'''Josh''': It's true! :'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself. :'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did! :'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him? :''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well. :'''Drake''': How long are we grounded? :'''Audrey''': A month. :'''Josh''': Fair enough. :''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]'' ===Megan's New Teacher=== :'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom. :'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam. :'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks. :'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory? :'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook! :'''Josh''': I know :'''Megan''': Yo, boob. :'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher! :'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for. :'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue! :'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge! :'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols! :'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob! :''[Megan's class laugh]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying! :'''Katie''': That guy's your brother? :'''Megan''': Yeah. :'''Katie''': I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I? :'''Katie''': A hobo? :'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist. :'''Neil''': Harry Potter. :'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist. :'''Adam''': A hobo! :'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night. :'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it. :'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework? :'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me. :'''Josh''': And? :'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel. :'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz. :''[Megan's class mumble]'' :'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail! :'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework. :'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves. :'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too. :'''Megan''': It's not my fault. :'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom! :''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]'' :'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN! ===Little Sibling=== :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here? :'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?! :'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about? :'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting. :'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting? :'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca. :'''Josh''': Of course. :'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you? :'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help. :'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home. :'''Josh''': Is nothing personal? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left? :'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake? :'''Drake''': Would I lie to you? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today? :'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time. :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': See you tomorrow, class. :'''Drake''': Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': None! :'''Drake''': None! :'''Josh''': She said none. :'''Drake''': I heard the none. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm putting you in Remedial English. ''[Drake and Josh gasp]'' What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class? :''[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence and perhaps untie me. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Drake''': Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school. :'''Bully''': ''[yelling]'' YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE! :''[the goth girls sit next to Drake]'' :'''Goth Girl 2''': I heard you kiss good. :'''Drake''': Oh no, not really! :'''Goth Girl 1''': You're our new boyfriend. :'''Goth Girl 2''': I get to kiss him first! :'''Goth Girl 1''': No, I do! :'''Goth Girl 2''': No, you don't! :''[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]'' :'''Drake''': ''[whining]'' SAVE ME CUDDLES! ''[Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom]'' Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English! :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, there is one other option. :'''Drake''': What other option? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I could give you a little sibling. :'''Drake''': A baby pig? :'''Josh''': A sibling is a brother or sister. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation. :'''Drake''': I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[yelling]'' WELL, THEY'RE NOT! :'''Josh''': Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister. :'''Drake''': So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be? :'''Drake''': I'll take the baby pig. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting. :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment? :'''Josh''': There's no nurse here- :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE! :'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]'' :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you. :''[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]'' :'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! :''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me. :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you. :'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know. ===Theater Thug=== :''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! :'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! :'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? :'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! :'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? :'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. :'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? :'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! :'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! :'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed. :'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! :'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. :'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? :'''Megan''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! :'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. :'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind... :''[Drake and Megan laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Come on. :'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot. :'''Drake''': You look fine. :'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid. :'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested. :'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me. :'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working. :'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug! :'''Josh''': No, no, no! :'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise! :'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you... :'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away! :'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy! ===The Demonator=== :''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]'' :'''Josh''': Hi, parents. :'''Drake''': Bye, parents. :'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going? :'''Drake''': Uh, to make history. :'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator. :'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols. :'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet. :'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet? :''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]'' :'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator. :'''Josh''': Sure we can. :'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]'' :'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated. :'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II. :'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat! :'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear? :'''Josh''': Yes. :'''Drake''': Fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]'' :'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened? :'''Eric''': He's disoriented. :'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me? :'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh... :'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit? :'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit? :''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]'' :'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II. :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds! :'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans. :'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say! :'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand... :'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever! :'''Craig''': Eric! :'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA! :''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- :'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! ===Alien Invasion=== :''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! Hey! :'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich? :'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?! :'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment. :'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do? :'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor. :'''Drake''': Wrote it myself! :'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name? :'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah? :'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect! :'''Drake''': Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Hey, she out there? :'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are. :'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio. :'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio. :'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens. :'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]'' :'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS! :'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the "aliens" pause]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' :'''Megan''': What? ''[D&J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!? ===Dr. Phyllis Show=== :''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]'' :'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]'' :'''Josh''': What are these? :'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]'' :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable! :'''Drake and Josh''': I know. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations. :'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship. :'''Drake''': How are you the victim? :'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me. :'''Drake''': Ha! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit? :'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone. :'''Drake''': Oh, name one time. :'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza. :'''Drake''': Hot Liza? :'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back. :'''Drake''': That's an exasperation! :'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? :'''Drake''': No! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza. :'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza. :'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true? :'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever! :'''Josh''': I have heard that. :'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb? :'''Drake''': And a bad kisser! :'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter! :'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward. :''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. :'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] qd86lpu7f5k5s3x72m16z68znfmozwj 0 178728 3155676 3155471 2022-08-17T23:23:45Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:D5BE:637:56C9:DCB6 /* I Love Sushi */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Josh Runs Into Oprah=== :''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]'' :'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake? :'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There. :'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it? :'''Megan''': No! :'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident? :'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode! :'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' :''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' :'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! :'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, man. :'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?! :'''Drake''': Hey... man? :'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed! :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go? :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!! :'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude? :'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''! :'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay? :'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again! :'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun? :'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]'' ===Vicious Tiberius=== :''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]'' :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': No answer. :'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it-- :'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number. :'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]'' :'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it. :'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees! :'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works. :'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE! :'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home? :'''Josh''': Who's that? :'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan. :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh? :'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius! :'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive! :'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude! :'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to. :'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her! :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run! :'''Megan''': I don't wanna run. :'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious. :'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary. :''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]'' :'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm. :'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense. :'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago. :'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here? :'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't. :'''Josh''': We couldn't. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog. :'''Megan''': What're you talking about? :'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us. :'''Megan''': Really? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh. :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya. :''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]'' ===The Wedding=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]'' :'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you. :'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old. :'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old. :'''Josh''': She's not nice! :'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''! :'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well! :'''Josh''': Oh, and get this. :'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married! :'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old? :'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do. :'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya? :'''Drake''': Totally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry? :'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad. :'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I. :'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake. :'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric. :'''Josh''': You... You what?! :'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car! :'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back. :'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores! :'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores. :'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding! :'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor! :'''Josh''': What about Trevor? :'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car. :'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it. :'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross. :'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine. :'''Josh''': Drake, if we-- :'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' ===Mindy Loves Josh=== :'''Josh''': What do you want? :'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike. :'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey! :'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police. :'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike. :'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing. :'''Megan''': Yeah. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Megan''': What are you eating? :'''Drake''': Big cookie. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Josh''': Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… :'''Drake''': JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]'' :'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door! :'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on? :'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad? :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis. :'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay? :'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee. :'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie. :'''Drake''': What are you saying? :'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying. :'''Drake''': Megan! :'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip. :''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Wait! :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': Is it gone? :''[Megan leaves the room]'' ===Who's Got Game?=== :'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something? :'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it. :'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton". :'''Drake''': No way, I was there. :'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening. :'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me! :'''Carly''': I was kidding. :'''Drake''': Me, too. :'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up. :'''Drake''': Okay. :''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed. :'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one. :'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win. :'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]'' ===The Great Doheny=== :'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]'' :'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician? :'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]'' Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me. :'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny! :'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose. :'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her? :'''Henry Doheny''': I insist! :'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]'' :'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card! :'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what? :'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]'' :'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card? :'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card? :'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body. <hr width=50%> :'''Lexi''': How did I get in here? <hr width=50%> :'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald! ===I Love Sushi=== :'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room. :'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. :'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover. :'''Drake''': But not for us. :'''Josh''': For our parents. :'''Drake''': We call them, "Mom and Dad". :'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago. :'''Drake''': I am still in shock. :'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary. :'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock. :'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy. :'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us. :'''Josh''': Eh, our parents. :'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please. :'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes. :'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside? :'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys? :'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city. :'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery. :'''Walter''': Drake? :'''Audrey''': Josh! :'''Walter''': Where's our stuff? :'''Josh''': We've been robbed! :'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise! :''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]'' :'''Sergeant Doty''': Hey! ''[walks up to Drake and Josh]'' Do you think eggs are funny? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer? :'''Drake''': We didn't throw an egg at you. :'''Josh''': We didn't have any eggs on us. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter]'' Then whose are these? The egg fairies? :'''Josh''': We don't even know where this came from. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[satisfied]'' 50 pushups. :'''Josh''': But you can't make us do- :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[angrily]'' PUSHUPS! :''[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while Megan and Tyler are both satisfied that Drake and Josh did it instead of them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want? :'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs? :'''Mr. Nadel''': So? :'''Josh''': And we'd like one. :'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills? :'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls. :'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child- :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo? :'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful. :'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Josh''': You already said that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! :'''Drake''': We just want jobs. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you? :'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do? :'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each. :'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00. :'''Drake:''' 8:00? :'''Josh''': We'll be there. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah. :''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]'' :'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else... :''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]'' :'''Josh''': The Furniture's back! :'''Drake''': We did it! :'''Josh''': We didn't do anything! :'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys. :'''Walter''': Surprised? :'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back? :'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van. :'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street. :'''Drake''': And they found everything? :'''Walter''': Yep. :'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi? :'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story. :'''Josh''': Uh see we... :'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know. ===The Storm=== :''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]'' :'''Eric''': Ow. :'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend? :'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends. :'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' :'''Eric''': Ow! :'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here? :'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh. :'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert? :'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater. :'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat! :'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! <hr width=“50%”> :'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!! ===My Dinner with Bobo=== :''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]'' :'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one! :'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize? :'''Josh''': Let's. :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No! :'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car. :'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one. :'''Megan''': Don't push me. :'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car. :'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man. :'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same. :'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man! :'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans. :'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too! :'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome. :'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math. :'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle? :'''Drake''': About $2400. :'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind? :'''Josh''': Something safe. :'''Drake''': Something fast. :'''Josh''': Gets good mileage. :'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio. :'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice. :'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh? :'''Josh''': I get cold down there. :'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems. :'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is. :'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford? :'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there! :'''Josh''': Alright. :'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems? :'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in. :'''Drake''': We are in. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off. :'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure? :'''Josh''': Absolutely. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him. :'''Josh''': Back of the closet? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Good. :'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him. :'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here? :'''Josh''': Perhaps. :'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he? :''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here! :'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone. :''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth! :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow! :''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' ===Tree House=== :''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse while they're trying to rebuild it]'' :'''Josh''': Drake…? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the door hole? :'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker. :'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw! :'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna! :'''Josh''': Oh, really? :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': So go get the power saw. :'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. :'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?! <hr width=50%"/> :''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]'' :'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob. :'''Drake''': Where you've been? :'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone. :'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here? :'''Megan''': Let me think, no! :'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw! :'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here? :'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out! :'''Drake''': Do it brother! :'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse. :'''Drake''': Why'd it stop? :'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN! :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Craig and Eric hang out with the twins]'' ===Josh Is Done=== :'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong! :'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping. :'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong? :'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping! :'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency! :'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me! :'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game. :'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle! :'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec. :'''Josh''': We can't be late for this- :'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]'' :'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. :'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- :'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. :'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? :'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! :'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU! :'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? :'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! :'''Josh''': But- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': I- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil. :'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3. :'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them! :'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred… :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden. :'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? :'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. :'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. :'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. :'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce! :'''Josh''': No, thanks. :'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? :'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' :'''Josh''': Would you please move? :'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry. :'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you. :'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me. :'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done. :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore. :'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out? :'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' :'''Megan''': Whoa! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': You really did it this time. :'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. :'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. :'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- :'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' :'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh. :'''Josh''': Hi, Drake. :'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty? :'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car! :'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas. :'''Drake''': You always fill up the car! :'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself. :'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING! :'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7. :'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' :'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? :'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. :'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. :'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? :'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. :'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. :'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? :''[pause]'' :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. :'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! :'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? :'''Leah, Steve, Eric, & Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. :'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! :'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' :'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? :'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down! :'''Drake''': No! :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry. :'''Josh''': Well-- :'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong. :'''Josh''': What d'you mean? :'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake? :'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir. :'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]'' :'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. :'''Drake''': Josh…. :'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]'' :'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak! :'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! :'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They both play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]'' ===Eric Punches Drake=== :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. :'''Mindy''': No way! :'''Josh''': Oh, come on! :'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream? :'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! :'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. :'''Craig''': Evenin'. :'''Josh''': Where's Eric? :'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. :'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? :'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. :'''Craig''': I'M Craig! :'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. <hr width =50%> :''[door bell rings]'' :'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! :'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? :'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts. :'''Drake''': You shebeast! :'''Mindy''': Microbrain! :'''Drake''': Weirdface! :'''Mindy''': Ignoramus! :'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What? :'''Mindy''': Exactly! :'''Chad''': Hey. :'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. :'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. :'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' :'''Drake''': JOSH! :'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! :'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Mindy's here. :'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. :'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]'' :'''Josh''': Who's him? :'''Drake''': Her date. :'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. :'''Drake''': Yes, you do! <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. :'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. :''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]'' :'''Drake''': Hello? :'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! :'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. :'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. :'''Drake''': And what did you hear? :'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. :'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. :'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. :'''Josh''': What!? :'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. :'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. :'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello. :'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig? :'''Craig''': Are you alone? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone. :'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind? :'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp? :'''Craig''': That's right. :'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend. :'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me! :'''Drake''': Rat's hat? :'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I-- :'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him. :'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Craig''': I love to sing. :'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And? :'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer. :'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me? :'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time! :'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me. :'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist. :'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish. :'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight. :'''Drake''': Okay... :'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you! :'''Drake''': Uh-huh! :'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song. :'''Drake''': I won't forget the song. :'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing. :''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems! :'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing? :'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head! :'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason. :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely. :'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?! :'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]'' :'''Drake''': It's not different? :'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!! :'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?! :'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]'' :'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why? :''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale? :'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]'' :'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face. :'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend. :'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him- :'''Mindy''': He's my cousin. :'''Josh''': Your cousin? :'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around. :'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that? :'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance. :'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? :'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. :'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! :'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. :'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! :'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! :'''Josh''': Oh, really?! :'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]'' :'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right? :'''Mindy''': Definitely. :''[they continue to make out]'' ===Megan's Revenge=== :''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]'' :'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out. :'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face. :'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here. :'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him. :'''Drake''': Well, hurry. :'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. :''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]'' :'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead. :'''Josh''': I think he really is dead! :'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us! :'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it? :'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him. :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone. :'''Drake''': Just give him CPU! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me! :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it! :'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' :'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE! :'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us! :'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand. :'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON! :'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! :''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]'' :'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN! ===Steered Straight=== :'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21. :'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori! :'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this? :'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex? :'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up. :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori? :'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure... :'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs! :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it! :'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Blaze has gone]'' :'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs? :'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home. :'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back. :'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right. :'''Josh''': Okay. :'''Drake''': Uh... :'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': To the left. :'''Drake''': Ow! :'''Josh''': To the-- :'''Drake''': Grab it. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking. :'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man. :'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work. :'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose. :'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there. :'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. :''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]'' :'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm. :'''Josh''': It is allergy season. <hr width=50%> :'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. :'''Drake and Josh''': Dad. ===Megan's First Kiss=== :'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night? :'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets. :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night? :'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing. :'''Drake''': But you just asked us. :'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]'' :'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is! :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody. :'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans. :'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that. :'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them! :'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises. :'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. :'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign. :'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something? :'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata! :'''Helen''': Potato? :'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac. :'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush! :'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! :'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks]'' I love you guys. :'''Drake''': ''[injured]'' Dude, you're crying. :'''Josh''': ''[injured]'' He kicked me in the throat. ===The Battle of Panthatar=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]'' :'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name? :'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you? :'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat? :'''Josh''': What games do you like to play? :'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too! :'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me? :'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend? :'''Drake''': Aw, thank you! :'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean? :'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say! :'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you! :'''Drake''': A present? For me? :'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say! :'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy! :'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye! :'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite! :'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh! <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? <hr width=50%> :'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! :'''Maria''': Thronton! :'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? <hr width=50%> :'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. :'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? :'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! :'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized. :'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and? :'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs. :'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything? :'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY! :'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us. :'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again. :'''Drake''': I tried. :'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan? :'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it. :'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album-- :'''Drake''': Absolutely not. :'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us. :'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself. :'''Josh''': Dude. :'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here! ===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]=== <small>Note: This episode was an hour long.</small> :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here. :'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]'' :'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this? :'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] '' :'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?! :'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?! :'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do? :'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again. :'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]'' :'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny? :'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]'' :'''Walter''': Walter! :'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?! :'''Audrey''': Right through that door. :'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]'' :'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? :'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]'' :'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week. :'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room. :'''Megan''': What?! :'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room. :'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?! :'''Josh''': This is an outrage! :'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay? :'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week. :'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible. :'''Walter''': It's not that bad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute. :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh walks out of the room]'' :'''Molly''': Call me!! :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home]'' :'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on. :'''Drake''': I don't care. :'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song. :'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in... :'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe! :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!''''' :'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! :'''Josh & Helen''': Crazy Steve!? :'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? :'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! :'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! :'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! I want the shrimp. ===Helicopter=== :'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. :'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. :'''Vince''': Oh, man. <hr width=50%/> :''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake. :'''Drake''': You're awake! :'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out? :'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. :'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on? :'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher. :'''Vince''': Oh. :'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]'' :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us! <hr width=50%/> :''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]'' :'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter. :'''Drake & Josh''': Wha-- shh! :'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents. :'''Audrey''': Who is it? :'''Drake & Josh''': Uh-- :'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy. :''[Josh whistles]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you? :'''Vince''': Are you their father? :'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this? :'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter. :'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!''''' :''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]'' :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded. :'''Josh''': But, Dad-- :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks. :'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault! :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs. :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir. :'''Drake''': Night. :'''Josh''': Night. :''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]'' ===Dance Contest=== :'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party. :'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 1irkflvlhrpwt5z5xusbv5omvuwfgld 0 184600 3155807 3121556 2022-08-18T09:58:59Z 122.61.148.251 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Kung Fu Panda 3 logo.svg|thumb|You must save the world.]] '''''[[w:Kung Fu Panda 3|Kung Fu Panda 3]]''''' is a 2016 3D computer-animated action comedy martial arts film, produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and [[w:Oriental DreamWorks|Oriental DreamWorks]], and distributed by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]]. It was directed by [[w:Jennifer Yuh Nelson|Jennifer Yuh Nelson]] and [[w:Alessandro Carloni|Alessandro Carloni]]. The film was written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger|Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger]], produced by [[w:Melissa Cobb|Melissa Cobb]], executive produced by [[Guillermo del Toro]]. It is a sequel to the 2011 film ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' and the third installment in the [[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|''Kung Fu Panda'' franchise]]. The film received a limited release in China on January 22 for a special 3 hours peak preview and is scheduled to be released day and date starting from January 28 in South Korea and Russia and on January 29 in the United States and Canada in 3D and premium large formats with other markets scheduled to be released in March and April. {{center|'''Grab destiny by the dumplings.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Dialogue == :''[first lines, Grand Master Oogway meditates in the Spirit Realm...]'' :'''Oogway''': Inner peace... inner peace... ''[a peach blossom petal lands on his nose]'' Itchy nose... ''[gently blows the petal away, but as he breathes in, it flies back into his nostril; he sneezes, and it flies off]'' Finally, inner peace... ''[sensing a blade coming at him]'' Now what? ''[catches the blade with eyes still closed... as he opens them, he sees a second blade coming. Using the first, he deflects both back to their owner...]'' Kai, old friend. :'''Kai''': ''[catches the returning blades]'' Master Oogway. :'''Oogway''': ''[bewildered]'' Our battle ended 500 years ago! :'''Kai''': Well, now I'm ready for a rematch. :'''Oogway''': Took you long enough! ''[laughs]'' :''[Angered, Kai charges at Oogway, cutting through the floating rocks between them; Oogway manages to dodge]'' :'''Oogway''': You've grown stronger. ''[draws a symbol with his chi energy and launches it at Kai, who is unharmed]'' :'''Kai''': 500 years in the Spirit Realm, you pick up a thing or two. ''[indicates his collection of jade pendants]'' I have taken the chi of every Master here! :'''Oogway''': ''[gasps, horrified]'' No! :'''Kai''': Yes! And soon, I will have ''your'' power, too! :'''Oogway''': When will you realize, the more you take, the less you have? ''[Anchoring himself with his chainblades, Kai smashes two floating rocks together on top of Oogway, whose chi shield dissipates; the chains wrap around Oogway, and he begins to petrify into jade]'' :'''Kai''': With your chi, I will finally be able to return to the mortal world. ''[pulls the chains holding up his green swords]'' And this time, you won't be there to stop me. :'''Oogway''': ''[warmly]'' Ahh... it was never my destiny to stop you. I have set another on that path. ''[Oogway petrifies completely, and his chi is absborbed by Kai; all that remains of Oogway is a small jade pendant]'' :'''Kai''': Then I will find him... and take ''his'' chi, too. <hr width=60%> :'''Po''': Who are you? :'''Li Shan''': ''[muffling]'': Li Shan. :'''Po''': What? :'''Shan''': ''[swallows]'' I'm Li Shan. I'm looking for my son. ''[everybody gasps]'' :'''Po''': You lost your son? :'''Li''': Yes. Many years ago. :'''Po''': I lost my father. :'''Li''': I'm very sorry. :'''Po''': Thank you. ''[pause]'' :'''Li''': Well, good luck to you. :'''Po''': You too. I hope you find your son. :'''Li''': And I hope you find your father. ''[they both walk off, everyone face palms]'' Son? Oh, my gosh, it is you! Well, don’t just stand there. Give your old man a hug. <hr width=60%> :'''Kai''': You must be the Dragon Warrior. :'''Po''': And you must be Kai - Beast of Vengeance, Maker of Widows. :'''Kai''': Yes! Finally! Thank you! Almost makes me want to spare your life. :'''Po''': Oh, you want to spare me? How about you spare me the chit-chat, alright? Let's do this. :'''Kai''': I'm going to take ''your'' chi, then the chi of every panda in the– :'''Po''': Augh! Chit-''chat''. :'''Kai''': In the– :'''Po''': Chitty-chitty-chat-chat, chat-chat-chat! :'''Kai''': In the– :'''Po''': Chit-chat! <hr width=60%> :''[When Po is warned by Tigress that Kai is coming to the Panda Village, he walks up to his father]'' :'''Po''': You need to teach me the secret chi technique now! :'''Li''': No, no. I'm afraid you need more time. ''[to the pandas]'' Everyone, go get your things! :'''Po''': I don't have more time! I need to learn it now! :'''Li''': Sorry, you're not ready. ''[to the pandas]'' Pack everything! :'''Po''': I ''am'' ready! :'''Li''': Not quite. :'''Po''': ''[follows him on the bridge]'' What are you talking about? I've done everything you've asked. I've mastered napping, sleeping in, hammocks, hot tubs. I am totally at one with my panda parts! Now why won't you show me?!? :'''Li''': Because I don't know it!!! :'''Po''': ''[becomes shocked at what he said]'' You... what? :'''Li''': I don't know it, okay? No one does! Maybe we used to, but... but not anymore. :'''Po''': You ''lied''? :'''Li''': No, I... Yes. :'''Po''': Why? :'''Li''': To save your life! I find out some blade-swinging maniac is coming for you. What am I supposed to do? Just-just let that happen?! :'''Po''': Yes! I'm the Dragon Warrior, facing maniacs! That's my job, but because of you, I left the valley unprotected. I left my friends unprotected, and now they're all... They're all... (They're all gone. You get it?) :'''Li''': (I know.) And you would have been, too! I lost you once, I am not going to lose you again. I can't. ''[tries to take Po to his hut, but he pulls away from him]'' (Po?) :'''Po''': You just did. ''[storms off]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Tigress''': This isn't going to work. :'''Po''': It has to. :'''Tigress''': You're not thinking straight. :'''Po''': I am! :'''Tigress''': ''[kicks his feet]'' You're not. :'''Po''': I am. :'''Tigress''': No. :'''Po''': Yes, I am. :'''Tigress''': No, I've seen Kai. I see what he can do. :'''Po''': But he hasn't seen what I can do. ''[Po does the Wuxi Finger Hold again, just like in the first film]'' :'''Tigress''': ''[confused]'' The Wuxi Finger Hold? :'''Po''': (What? Yes!) It's my best move. I just have to get to Kai, grab his finger, and then, ''skadoosh'', back to the spirit realm. :'''Tigress''': ''[squeezes his hand]'' He has an army of jade warriors. Everything they see, he sees. So, there's no sneaking up on him. ''[pushes him down]'' You'll never get close enough. :'''Po''': It's gonna work. ''[gets up, but Tigress puts him down and puts her feet on him]'' :'''Tigress''': He can only be stopped by a master of chi. <hr width=60%> :'''Kai''': Who ''are'' you? :'''Po''': I've been asking the same question - am I the son of a panda, the son of a goose, a student, a teacher? Turns out... I'm all of them. ''[creates a Dragon avatar with his chi]'' I am the Dragon Warrior. Get it?! See the giant dragon? ''[laughs]'' Get ready to feel the thunder! Whoa! This is awesome! <hr width=60%> :''[from trailer]'' :'''Po''': Master Shifu? Good time, bad time? :'''Shifu''': Time is an illusion, there is only the now. :'''Po''': So now is a... good time? :'''Shifu''': Oh! <hr width=60%> :''[with Oogway's chi, Kai departs the Spirit Realm, and appears in a field; 2 farmers, a rabbit and a goose, cower in fear at him]'' :'''Kai''': What is this place? :'''Rabbit''': ''[uneasily]'' Uh... my brother's farm? :'''Kai''': Ah. If I stepped on you, would you die? ''[both cower; the goose, terrified, lays a pile of eggs]'' :'''Rabbit''': Y-yes... :'''Kai''': The Mortal Realm. ''[to the jade pendant of Oogway around his neck]'' You hear that, Oogway? I'm back! '''''KAI HAS RETURNED!!!''''' :'''Rabbit and Goose''': ''[confused]'' Who? :'''Kai''': Kai. General Kai, supreme Warlord of all China! :'''Goose''': I don't know. :'''Kai''': The Jade Slayer, Master of Pain, You may know me as "the Beast of Vengeance". ''[still no reaction]'' Uh... Maker of Widows? :'''Goose''': Huh? :'''Kai''': (Still nothing?) ''[exasperated]'' Okay, I used to work with Oogway-- :'''Rabbit and Goose''': Oh, Master Oogway! :'''Goose''': He was a great warrior! :'''Rabbit''': We've heard of Master Oogway, he's a-- :'''Kai''': ''[cutting them off]'' Okay, okay, enough, '''''SILENCE!!!''''' <hr width=60%> :''[Outside an abandoned ship, after Masters Bear and Croc have run in to confront Kai]'' :'''Mantis''': You gotta get in there. :'''Crane''': But Master Shifu said– :'''Mantis''': You're seriously afraid? Even Master Chicken is going in there, and he's a ''chicken''! ''[Master Chicken clucks, pulls out his wing blades and runs inside the abandoned ship]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Shifu''': If you only do what you can do, you'll never be more than you are now. :'''Po''': I like who I am! :'''Shifu''': You don't even know who you are! <hr width=60%> :''[from trailer]'' :'''Li''': ''[wheezing]'' I am your father. Why are there so many stairs? :'''Mr. Ping''': Why is he breathing like that? It's creepy! <hr width=60%> :'''Shifu''': You must take the next step on your journey, from warrior to teacher. :'''Po''': But I'm no good at it! :'''Shifu''': You're terrible at it! <hr width=60%> :''[At the Jade Palace, an arrow with a scroll flies towards the courtyard, but is caught in midair by Monkey; a number of other arrows surround Shifu as he reads another scroll]'' :'''Monkey''': It's from the Eastern Province! ''[hands Shifu the arrow]'' :'''Shifu''': Master Lizard, Master Ox, Master Eagle... all of them. ''[snaps the arrow in half]'' In every village from the sea to here, every Master in China has vanished. :'''Monkey''': Maybe they are all at a party? :'''Viper''': Monkey! :'''Monkey''': I didn't get invited either. :'''Shifu''': Kai has taken their chi. We are all that stand between him and the knowledge Oogway left in our care. ''[to Tigress]'' The villagers, evacuated? :'''Tigress''': Done, Master. :'''Shifu''': Crane, Mantis? :'''Tigress''': Still nothing. :'''Viper''': ''[gasps]'' Wait, it's them! ''[Crane and Mantis fly in...but on closer look, they're both jade zombies]'' :'''Shifu''': ''[horrified]'' No! ''[the jade Crane and Mantis land in front of Shifu and the others - as a large figure emerges in the mist, blades whirling in his hands]'' Kai! :'''Kai''': ''[looks at the giant statue of Master Oogway]'' Nice. ''Very'' tacky. :'''Shifu''': How dare you set foot on these grounds?! :'''Kai''': ''[sneering]'' Look at you pathetic fools, groveling at the feet of Oogway the Magnificent. :'''Tigress''': You are not fit to speak his name! :'''Kai''': ''I'' am not fit, little kitten? ''[Tigress growls and tries to lunge at Kai but Shifu holds her back]'' I fought by his side. I loved him like a brother... and he betrayed me. ''[calmly]'' Well, now I will destroy... ''[shouts]'' ...<big>'''''everything'' he has created!'''</big> :'''Shifu''': Go! ''[All friends fighting attack at Kai]'' :'''Tigress''': How’s that for a little kitten? <hr width=60%> :''[As Kai destroys statues outside the Jade Palace]'' :'''Shifu''': I will ''not'' let you destroy Oogway's memory! :'''Kai''': Why not? He destroyed mine. <hr width=60%> :'''Po''': There's no way I can stop him! :'''Li''': Unless you had an army of your own. :'''Po''': You don't even know kung fu! :'''Li''': Then you will teach us. <hr width=60%> :''[Po prepares to use the Wuxi Finger Hold to send Kai back to the Spirit Realm]'' :'''Po''': Sorry, buddy. Gotta send you back to the spirit realm. Skadoosh! ''[flexes his pinkie, nothing happens]'' OK... That didn't work, let me try one more time. Skadoosh! Skadoosh, skadoosh...! What the...? :'''Kai''': Hold on, wait! It's working! No! No, no! No! No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! No! ''[retches, then laughs]'' No, it's not. Did Oogway teach you that little trick? Too bad. It only works on mortals, and I... am a spirit warrior. <hr width=60%> :''[final confrontation in the Spirit Realm]'' :'''Kai''': It took me five hundred years to take Oogway's chi. I will have yours if it takes me five hundred more! :'''Po''': ''[makes "chit-chat" gestures; his dragon avatar mimics the movement]'' Chitty-chitty-chat-chat! Chit-''chat!'' ''[Furious, Kai charges at Po, who begins to charge his chi energy]'' You want my chi so bad? Then ''take it!'' ''[channels his chi into Kai]'' :'''Kai''': ''[last words before his death]'' Yes! The power... is ''mine!'' ''[the jade pendants, the chi he has collected from the Masters, begin to break away from him]'' Wait! No! It's too much! IT'S TOO MUCH!! NO! UGH!!! :''[Kai begins to glow, overloaded with power, as the pendant of Oogway floats away from him]'' '''''NOOOOOOO!!!''''' ''[In a flash of light, Kai is destroyed; back in the panda village, the jade pendant of Master Bear emerges from the spirit realm and shatters, releasing him]'' :'''Master Bear''': ''[in combat stance]'' Who, huh, where'd he go? ''[Masters Chicken and Croc are returned as well, followed by Shifu, Crane, Monkey, Mantis, and Viper]'' :'''Viper''': We're back! :'''Monkey''': Besties! :'''Mantis''': I'm still green, it didn't work! Oh, wait, that's my normal green. :'''Lei Lei''' ''[grabs Mantis, makes him do "kissy face" with Po's Tigress action figure]'' Greenie baby! :'''Mantis''': No! Not a baby! Antenna of Fear! Antenna of Fear... :'''Li Shan''': What about Po? :'''Tigress''': Have you seen Po? :'''Viper''': No... he's not here. :'''Mr. Ping''': ''[worried]'' Po, ''Po''? Why isn't he back? :''[In the Spirit Realm, after destroying Kai, Po floats away; the jade pendant containing Oogway's chi shatters, restoring him]'' :'''Oogway''': Dragon Warrior. :'''Po''': Oogway? Whoa! ''[floats right into the water, and then back up]'' I can't believe it! ''[Oogway laughs]'' Whoa... you are extra shiny. :'''Oogway''': As are you. :'''Po''': I know, right? It's like the best cape ever. When I run with it, then it looks really cool. :'''Oogway''': It suits you. You've grown. :'''Po''': Yeah, gotta lay off the Panda Buffet. :'''Oogway''': Grown ''up... [chuckles]'' ...As I hoped you would when I sent the message to your (real) father. :'''Po''': (Oh, it was you?) ''You'' sent the universe mail. Whoa! :'''Oogway''': Yes. Because the universe needed you. :'''Po''': Me? W-why me? :'''Oogway''': You finally became the panda you were always meant to be. :'''Po''': But... how'd you know I could? :'''Oogway''': On the first day we met. I saw the future of kung fu... ''[flashback to the [[Kung Fu Panda|first movie]], Oogway choosing him as the Dragon Warrior]'' ...And the past. ''[flashback to Oogway learning chi from the ancient pandas]'' I saw the panda who could unite them both. That is why I chose you, Po. Both sides of the yin and yang... and my true successor. <hr width=60%> :''[Po returns to the mortal world]'' :'''Po''': Dad. Dad. Dads! :'''Li and Mr. Ping''': Son! :''[Li Shan and Mr. Ping runs to Po and hugs him]'' :'''Mr. Ping''': Don't you go disappearing in petals ever again. :'''Li Shan''': We thought we lost you. :'''Po''': No, you saved me. you all did. ''[Po looks at everybody and Big Fun laughs]'' Now, come on over here! :''[Everyone runs to Po]'' :'''Big Fun''': Hugs! :''[Tigress, Monkey, Crane, Viper, Mantis and the pandas hugs Po]'' :'''Po''': Master Shifu! :'''Shifu''': The student has truly become the teach– ''[sees Oogway's staff]'' Wait, where did you get that? :'''Po''': Oh, this. Oogway gave it to me in the Spirit Realm. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs]'' Of course he did... :'''Po''': I think I've mastered chi. :'''Shifu''': ''[sighs again, facepalms]'' Of course you did... ''[looks at him hopefully]'' Can you teach me? == Taglines == * The weight is over. * Grab destiny by the dumplings. == See Also == * [[Kung Fu Panda]] * [[Kung Fu Panda 2]] == Cast == * [[Jack Black]] - Po * [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]] - Li Shan * [[Dustin Hoffman]] - Shifu * [[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Kai * [[Angelina Jolie]] - Tigress * [[w:Kate Hudson|Kate Hudson]] - Mei Mei * [[Jackie Chan]] - Monkey * [[w:Lucy Liu|Lucy Liu]] - Viper * [[David Cross]] - Crane * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] - Mantis * [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] - Mr. Ping * [[w:Randall Duk Kim|Randall Duk Kim]] - Oogway === Additional Voices === * [[w:Steele Gagnon|Steele Gagnon]] - Bao * [[w:Barbara Dirikson|Barbara Dirikson]] - Grandma Panda * [[Jean-Claude Van Damme]] - Master Croc * [[w:Fred Tatasciore|Fred Tatasciore]] - Master Bear * [[w:Stephen Kearin|Stephen Kearin]] - Master Chicken * [[w:Al Roker|Al Roker]] - Dim * [[w:Willie Geist|Willie Geist]] - Sum * [[w:Pax Jolie-Pitt|Pax Jolie-Pitt]] - Yoo * [[w:Knox Jolie-Pitt|Knox Jolie-Pitt]] - Ku Ku * [[w:Zahara Jolie-Pitt|Zahara Jolie-Pitt]] - Meng Meng * [[w:Shiloh Jolie-Pitt|Shiloh Jolie-Pitt]] - Shuai Shuai * [[w:Liam Knight|Liam Knight]] - Lei Lei ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:Chinese animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Jennifer Yuh Nelson films|Kung Fu Panda 3]] [[Category:Kung Fu Panda]] 56l8rqjvxqjss0ogdmvkl5tfc26b8hj 3 185294 3155591 3142090 2022-08-17T14:42:36Z Ferien 3078302 /* Eye of the Cat */ prod notice wikitext text/x-wiki == Welcome! == Hello, Gilldragon, and welcome to [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]]. * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]]. ** See also [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]] for common activities that Wikiquote does not support. * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]]. * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]]. * Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]]. * Please remember to use [[Help:Edit summary|edit summaries]] when editing pages. * When posting to a discussion, [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|please sign with a date]] by writing four tildes (~&#126;~~) and saving. * [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]]. Enjoy! ---[[User:Atcovi|Atcovi]] [[User talk:Atcovi|(Talk]] - [[Special:Contributions/Atcovi|Contribs)]] 15:32, 24 February 2016 (UTC) == [[Template:New pages]] == This template is for new pages that are created here at Wikiquote. Knowing you create pretty good quality articles, could you please link your new pages into this template? Thanks! ---[[User:Atcovi|Atcovi]] [[User talk:Atcovi|(Talk]] - [[Special:Contributions/Atcovi|Contribs)]] 15:33, 24 February 2016 (UTC) == Categories on film articles == Thank you for your excellent film articles. However, please note that not all categories that exist on Wikipedia also exist here. If a category appears in red rather than blue, please remove it. Otherwise, do keep up the good work!--[[User:Abramsky|Abramsky]] ([[User talk:Abramsky|talk]]) 14:14, 15 May 2016 (UTC) == Wikidata == Hi :) thanks for your contributions. When you create a page, please remember to connect it on Wikidata. For example, when creating [[King Dinosaur]] you should go on the corresponding Wikidata item (see [[:w:King Dinosaur|King Dinosaur]] on Wikipedia, on the left column, section "Tools", clic on "Wikidata item"), which is [[:d:Q2190158]]. Scroll down and edit the "Wikiquote" section, adding the new page ;) in this case I've already added it. Good work, bye. --[[Special:Contributions/151.16.234.191|151.16.234.191]] 17:22, 20 June 2016 (UTC) : There are robots that handle this sort of thing. Wikidata is not part of Wikiquote, and nobody has to work on the database project unless they particularly want to. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 18:58, 20 June 2016 (UTC) ::{{ping|Ningauble}} this is a very strange (and unpolite) answer. Of course I (it was me unlogged) was not forcing him to do anything, just asking him to make something more complete. "Wikidata is not part of Wikiquote", that's right, but Wikiquote is part of Wikidata, meaning that every Wikimedia project is connected with the others through Wikidata. It's like asking someone to wikify their contributions, of course they cannot be imposed to, but it would be way more useful for the project if they did that. Moreover, robots cannot handle this sort of things if there are not interwikis, or in other cases. In a nutshell: just asking. Relax. --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 15:26, 30 July 2016 (UTC) ::{{ping|Ningauble}} Saying that "Wikidata is not part of Wikiquote" it's really like asserting that Wikimedia Commons is not part of Wikiquote. They're two different projects, indeed, but they're both part of the same Wikimedia family. Moreover, Commons (as much as Wikidata) provides an underlying function, which is to serve free media (or data) to Wikiquote itself. Nobody should be ''forced'' to contribute to other projects if they don't want to, it's true -- but Superchilum's message wasn't about ''forcing'' people, rather ''asking'' people to just do a couple clicks more to connect this project's pages to other Wikimedia projects' pages ''through a Wikimedia project''. It's really not that difficult, and it would be more than appreciated to not let other volunteers do this job on your behalf. --[[User:Sannita|Sannita]] ([[User talk:Sannita|talk]]) 16:47, 30 July 2016 (UTC) :::: @[[User: Sannita| Sannita]]:&nbsp; May I ask how a user who had never edited this wiki before was drawn to comment on this user discussion page, or even noticed it? ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 12:42, 31 July 2016 (UTC) :: Well [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]], phrases like "please remember to" and "you should" are normally taken to indicate that the user had been ''remiss'' and is being ''directed to comply''. This is exactly the kind of language we use to ''warn'' a user that they have been breaking our rules and customs; but no Wikiquote policy or guideline requires or even recommends what you are calling for. Hence my brief clarification that this is entirely optional. <p> I am sorry if you thought my note was too curt, but if you want to ask Wikiquote to adopt this as a standard practice then please propose a guideline to that effect rather than tasking individual contributors in a preemptory tone when they have done nothing wrong. [[User:Gilldragon|Gilldragon]] has been doing ''exemplary'' work contributing film articles to Wikiquote, [[w:Wikipedia:Glossary#Wikify|wikifying]] and formatting the pages exactly as indicated in our templates for new article creation, and does not deserve this kind of treatment. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 12:42, 31 July 2016 (UTC) :::{{ping|Ningauble}} this is not a "standard practice" for Wikiquote, it is for every Wikimedia project, and I wonder how you don't realize that. Again, if I re-read what I wrote maybe that "please remember" is too direct and it should have been replaced with a more soft form (I'm sorry Gilldragon if I appeared too invasive); but your mistake is to consider Wikiquote totally un-related to the rest of the Wikiworld. I do know that Gilldragon is making a great job, and the first thing I told him is "thanks", but this has nothing to do with my request. If I see someone who does not wikify (in every project) I ask him to wikify, even if he cannot be imposed to; if I see someone who uploads PD images on a local version of Wikipedia, I ask him to upload them on Commons, even if he cannot be imposed to; and the same for Wikidata. But that's it: when I tell you, and you don't do that, I don't keep bothering you, because it's not an imposition. In fact, Gilldragon made an edit on Wikidata after my message, but later he has never done one more. I didn't write him, but I connected them by myself. So, exactly, what "kind of treatment" do you think Gilldragon does not deserve? --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 12:55, 31 July 2016 (UTC) :::: [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]], the "kind of treatment" to which I refer was [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Gilldragon&diff=2140044 what looked very much like a level-1 user warning]. Thank you for clarifying that such was not your intention. As for discussing Wikidata's role generally, unless Gilldragon wants to talk about it I don't think this is the right venue. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 13:50, 31 July 2016 (UTC) :::::I don't even know what a "level-1 user warning" is, but I'm glad things are clearer now :) --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 21:49, 31 July 2016 (UTC) ==Karen Pence== {{#if:|An editor using this IP address posted Karen Pence, so I put a message to hope noticing the editor the following. If you are not the editor, sorry to bother and please ignore it.}} I have added a "{{[[Template:prod|prod]]}}" template to the article [[Karen Pence]], suggesting that it be deleted according to the [[Wikiquote:Proposed deletion|proposed deletion]] process. All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the deletion notice (see also "[[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]]" and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Wikiquote's deletion policy]]). You may contest the proposed deletion by removing the <code><nowiki>{{dated prod}}</nowiki></code> notice, but please explain why you disagree with the proposed deletion in your edit summary or on [[Talk:Karen Pence|its talk page]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Even though removing the deletion notice will prevent deletion through the [[WQ:PROD|proposed deletion process]], the article may still be deleted if it matches any of the [[Wikiquote:Speedy deletion|speedy deletion criteria]] or it can be sent to [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]], where it may be deleted if consensus to delete is reached. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 22:09, 3 February 2017 (UTC) == Good work! == Thank you for creating pages for video game designers! I find it much more informative to read interviews with the production staff than arguing over which quotes from their works to include on game pages, or trying to defend video games in edit summaries as being worth including on the theme pages. [[User:CensoredScribe|CensoredScribe]] ([[User talk:CensoredScribe|talk]]) 05:31, 2 February 2018 (UTC) : Thank you, video game designers are fun people to quote. I agree that it is more straightforward to just make pages for the creators, especially to ward off the abominable deletionists. Your thanks is appreciated very much appreciated! --[[User:Gilldragon|Gilldragon]] ([[User talk:Gilldragon|talk]]) 16:41, 3 February 2018 (UTC) == We sent you an e-mail == Hello {{PAGENAME}}, Really sorry for the inconvenience. This is a gentle note to request that you check your email. We sent you a message titled "The Community Insights survey is coming!". If you have questions, email surveys@wikimedia.org. You can [[:m:Special:Diff/20479077|see my explanation here]]. [[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 18:48, 25 September 2020 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Samuel (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Samuel_(WMF)/Community_Insights_survey/other-languages&oldid=20479295 --> ==Guest in the House== {{#if:|An editor using this IP address posted Guest in the House, so I put a message to hope noticing the editor the following. If you are not the editor, sorry to bother and please ignore it.}} I have added a "{{[[Template:prod|prod]]}}" template to the article [[Guest in the House]], suggesting that it be deleted according to the [[Wikiquote:Proposed deletion|proposed deletion]] process. All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the deletion notice (see also "[[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]]" and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Wikiquote's deletion policy]]). You may contest the proposed deletion by removing the <code><nowiki>{{dated prod}}</nowiki></code> notice, but please explain why you disagree with the proposed deletion in your edit summary or on [[Talk:Guest in the House|its talk page]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. 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If you are not the editor, sorry to bother and please ignore it.}} I have added a "{{[[Template:prod|prod]]}}" template to the article [[Frankenstein (1992 film)]], suggesting that it be deleted according to the [[Wikiquote:Proposed deletion|proposed deletion]] process. All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the deletion notice (see also "[[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]]" and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Wikiquote's deletion policy]]). You may contest the proposed deletion by removing the <code><nowiki>{{dated prod}}</nowiki></code> notice, but please explain why you disagree with the proposed deletion in your edit summary or on [[Talk:Frankenstein (1992 film)|its talk page]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. 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All contributions are appreciated, but it may not satisfy Wikiquote's criteria for inclusion, for the reasons given in the deletion notice (see also "[[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]]" and [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy|Wikiquote's deletion policy]]). You may contest the proposed deletion by removing the <code><nowiki>{{dated prod}}</nowiki></code> notice, but please explain why you disagree with the proposed deletion in your edit summary or on [[Talk:Eye of the Cat|its talk page]]. Also, please consider improving the article to address the issues raised. Even though removing the deletion notice will prevent deletion through the [[WQ:PROD|proposed deletion process]], the article may still be deleted if it matches any of the [[Wikiquote:Speedy deletion|speedy deletion criteria]] or it can be sent to [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion|Votes for deletion]], where it may be deleted if consensus to delete is reached. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 14:42, 17 August 2022 (UTC) d3miuip71lcenf7ogqzm2h0mtar7a3y 0 186210 3155731 3155466 2022-08-18T01:51:04Z Eaglestorm 16205 added characters wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Man in the High Castle (TV series)|The Man in the High Castle]]''''' (2015–2019) is an American dystopian alternative history television series, released by [[w:Amazon Video|Amazon Video]], loosely based on the [[w:The Man in the High Castle|1962 novel]] of the same name by American science fiction author [[Philip K. Dick]]. The story is an alternative history of the world in which the [[w:Hypothetical Axis victory in World War II|Axis powers won World War II]]. The former United States has been partitioned into three sections: the Japanese Pacific States, which mostly comprises the West Coast; the American Reich, a Nazi puppet state that encompasses the eastern half plus some Midwest states; and a Neutral Zone of parts of former US states in the Rocky Mountains. == Season 1 == === ''The New World'' [1.01] === :''[Don Warren talks to Joe Blake about working at the shop]'' :'''Don Warren''': You know what those brownshirts out there would do if they caught you? ''[referring to SD officers in security camera footage]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm not afraid to die. :'''Don Warren''': Me, either. Might be a relief, actually. But how you feel about pain? :'''Joe Blake''': Pain? :'''Don Warren''': Yeah. When they're plucking your fingernails out one by one, or they're cracking your balls open like walnuts. That's when maybe you stop caring about what your old man said and tell Johnny Jackboot out there my name, or just about anything else he wants. :'''Joe Blake''': You're so afraid, why are you here? :'''Don Warren''': I fought in the war, kid. I saw my buddies' brains get blown out on Virginia Beach. You... You're just a punk who could get me caught. :'''Joe Blake''': Yeah, I guess I'm afraid of pain. I don't have any buddies who died in the war. I don't really know what freedom is. But I'm not a punk and I'm not a spy, Mr. Warren. I'm here because I want to do the right thing. So you gonna give me the job or not? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Blake asks about the police officer's tattoo of a knife through a flower]'' :'''Police officer''': Oh? A soldier so fierce he’d kill a rose. :'''Joe Blake''': That was you? :'''Police officer''': A long time ago. We lost the war didn’t we? Now I can’t even remember what we were fighting for. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[noticing ashes falling like snowflakes]'' What is that? :'''Police Officer''': Oh, that's the hospital. :'''Blake''': The hospital? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, Tuesdays, they burn cripples...the terminally ill. Drag on the state. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frank Frink''': Hey, what ''is'' this? :'''Juliana Crain''': It's newsreel film. :'''Frink''': Yeah, I see that. :'''Crain''': It shows us winning the war. :'''Frink''': But we didn't win the war. :'''Crain''': That's what they told us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[on the phone]'' Hey, it's me. :'''John Smith''': How was your journey? :'''Blake''': No one stopped me. :'''Smith''': Then your cover's intact. I'll tell your father, Joe. I know he'll be very proud. :'''Blake''': Thank you, ''Obergruppenfuhrer''. I hope so. :'''Smith''': Heil Hitler. :'''Blake''': Heil Hitler. === ''Sunrise'' [1.02] === :''[Over breakfast, John Smith talks to Thomas about a certain bully in school and why Thomas is studying at the table]'' :'''John Smith''': Why do you want to succeed, son? Why do you want to do well in school? :'''Thomas Smith''': To make my family proud. To bring honor to my school. To serve my country. :'''John''': Your goals are directed outward. A boy like Randolph wants only to gratify himself. This is the path to moral decay. The decadence ruined this country before the war. You will grow to be a useful member of society. You will make our nation stronger. Randolph will not, whatever his test score. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': It takes a lot of effort not to be free-- keeping your head down, holding your tongue. <hr width=50%> :'''Lawrence''': We wipe them out, yet they keep coming back like lice. :'''John Smith''': Lice don't assassinate Nazi officers. :'''Lawrence''': I only meant-- :'''Smith''': It may reassure you to liken terrorists to insects, but they inflicted great damage on us today. Never underestimate them. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': This ends only when people like us refuse to obey, no matter the cost. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank Frink''': I-- I'm free to go? I am free to go? :'''Kido''': You have suffered enough, and I am not a monster. :'''Frink''': If you ever need any more Jews to kill, you know where to find me. :'''Kido''': Yes. I do. === ''The Illustrated Woman'' [1.03] === :'''The Marshal''': What is that smell in here? How would you describe it? :'''Carl''': I couldn't say. :'''The Marshal''': Hmm. You couldn't say. You probably spend so much time in here, you don't notice. The old books. They got the stink of their owner. Cigarettes and coffee, cat piss, smell of decay. <hr width=50%> :''[The Japanese Crown Princess sees the Crown Prince looking disturbed]'' :'''[[w:Empress Michiko|Crown Princess]]''': What is troubling, you my prince? :'''[[w:Akihito|Crown Prince]]''': This visit is false. We are false. :'''Crown Princess''': How false? Your father is the Emperor. As one day you shall be. :'''Crown Prince''': My father allowed his generals to use his throne as a shield for their ambition. We merely preside over its undoing. :'''Crown Princess''': Surely it is not so bad as that. :'''Crown Prince''': ''[sternly at her]'' I'm worried about the Nazis. Don't you see? We travel on ocean liners, they travel on rocket ships. A stark difference in technology. We are but an island nation losing our grip on our colonies while the Nazis tighten theirs. === ''Revelations'' [1.04] === :'''Juliana Crain''': Have you seen the films? :'''Lem Washington''': It's not my job to see them. I just pass them along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Juliana Crain''': I'm not here to kill Nazis. I'm here because I need answers, and I'm not leaving until I get them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Frink is dealing with antique shop owner Robert Childan, who's not too pleased that Frink just scared off a Japanese couple]'' :'''Frank Frink''': ''[given three rounds for his Colt45 revolver]'' Only three? :'''Robert Childan''': This is an antique store, not an armory, and I can't guarantee they'll fire. They're 100 yen apiece. :'''Frink''': ''[gives yen notes]'' 300. ''[sees Childan write in a logbook]'' What is that? :'''Childan''': I'm required by law to keep a registry of all sales of restricted items. So these bullets were purchased by Mr. Satoshi Matsuda, a collector on his way back to Tibet. But I will need to see your identity card on the chance I need to revisit this matter with you, and that is non-negotiable. :'''Frink''': All right, all right. Come on. :'''Childan''': I suggest you work on your patience, Mr. Frink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Japanese Crown Prince graces the crowd, with an American interpreter close by]'' :'''Crown Prince of Japan''': Greetings, loyal subjects. Honored guests from the Nazi Reich. And people of the American Territories, or, as they like to say here...Howdy. ''[crowd laughs at the greeting]'' All those who fought in the Great War believed they fought on the side of righteousness, that the world they sought to build would be a better one. But men are mortal and imperfect. They see the world as they wish to see it, through the looking glass of their limited perspective. === ''The New Normal'' [1.05] === :''[John Smith has browbeaten Joe Blake over the failure of his Canon City mission]'' :'''John Smith''': Do you know why you failed? You are one component in a complex machine that only works if every part does exactly what it's supposed to do in sync with the whole. Now, if you decide, without knowing what the other components are doing, to simply go your own way, eventually that machine is going to break down. Don't ever disobey a direct order from me again, Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido visits Trade Minister Tagomi]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Ah. Inspector, please. ''[ushers to seats]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': No, thank you, Trade Minister. I will not stay long. :'''Tagomi''': I appreciate you coming at such a busy time. :'''Kido''': What could we not discuss on the telephone? :'''Tagomi''': I felt it correct to speak in person. Guests of the Ministry have asked when their passports would be returned. I assured them I would inquire. :'''Kido''': As soon as their identities are verified and their reasons for being in the Pacific States, all of their documents will be returned. :'''Tagomi''': How long do you estimate it will take? :'''Kido''': I offer no estimate. You met with a foreign visitor at his hotel this morning. :'''Tagomi''': I met with several guests. They're honorable businessmen, not assassins. Their time is valuable. :'''Kido''': All of our time is valuable. :'''Tagomi''': I understand what is at stake. :'''Kido''': Do you? :'''Tagomi''': I was with the Royal Couple. So yes, I believe I do. :'''Kido''': Then no doubt you will understand why I must disappoint you, Trade Minister. I am sorry, but in this instance there will be no exceptions. ''[bows and leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain tries to apply for work at the Japanese Authority office, but the personnel director, Mr Eto, thinks differently]'' :'''Mr Eto''': There may be a role you are suited to, subject to references, here in personnel. Alongside your other work, it would involve undertaking certain personal services as and when I require them. :'''Juliana Crain''': What kind of services? :'''Eto''': You wish to work here? :'''Crain''': Yes, sir. :'''Eto''': It is an honor for a girl like you to be employed here. :'''Crain''': I know that, sir. :'''Eto''': It is not for you to question your duties. You simply do. ''[tries to unzip his pants]'' Do you want the job or not? === ''Three Monkeys'' [1.06] === :''[Having been accepted to work in the Japanese Authority office, Juliana Crain is shown around by Tagomi's aide-de-camp Kotomichi]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Mr. Tagomi expects complete loyalty and discretion. You will not speak of anything you hear or see, and you will not leave this level without my express permission. This is a government building, Miss Crain, patrolled by armed soldiers. Do not go anywhere without prior authorization. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You find yourself a good woman Joe. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': And until then, find as many bad ones as possible. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You must trust the woman in your life, with your life, Joe! === ''Truth'' [1.07] === :''[Arnold Walker and Juliana Crain talk at a diner over why they are working at the Japanese Authority Building]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': What the hell do you think you're doing snooping around the Nippon Building? ''[to waiter]'' Two coffees, please. :'''Juliana Crain''': I could say the same to you. :'''Walker''': What choice do you think I had? I had a family to support. How do you think I kept all of you safe? I swallowed my pride, and I did what I had to do. Did you have any idea that your sister was involved with these insurgents? I heard her on the wire. So did all the other listeners. I had to throw myself on the mercy of...Our benevolent employers. I had to identify her. I told them she was a kid. I told them she was my kid. I mean, hell, I worked for them for 16 years. It's got to be worth something. :'''Crain''': Sixteen years? :'''Walker''': Did you know she had a film? :'''Crain''': She did. And now there's another one. :'''Walker''': Juliana, you listen to me very carefully. You cannot get involved in this. :'''Crain''': There's something different about this one, isn't there? :'''Walker''': I don't know what it is, but I can tell you they got us working around the clock trying to find it. They screamed at me so loud, I thought they were going to shoot us both. But everything I said checked out, so they let her and that idiot boyfriend of hers escape to the Neutral Zone. And thank God, Juliana, because if anything happened to Trudy...I'd be finished. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith talks to Joe Blake about his latest call to Juliana Crain]'' :'''John Smith''': You think she knows more about the film than she's saying? :'''Joe Blake''': Yes. Absolutely. Sorry. She just said it was different, sir. Different to the others. :'''Smith''': What's your feeling, Joe? Do you think that she can get to it on her own, using her contacts there? :'''Blake''': Maybe. I don't know. :'''Smith''': Perhaps you're going to have to help her. You're going on another trip, Joe, and you'd better hope you find that film. You call in every day. Tell me everyone you meet, every little detail, everything. No omissions, no mistakes. I noticed yesterday you were very good with my little girls. Is that because of... Buddy? ''[Blake is quiet at the other end of the line]'' Heil Hitler, hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robert Childan is not too pleased to see Frank Frink propose to him about selling fake antique guns]'' :'''Robert Childan''': I'm not an arms supplier, pal. I sell antiques, authentic items only, and fake guns aren't my thing. ''[has an idea]'' Tell me something, Frink-san, how good a craftsman are you? I mean, seriously, how good? :'''Frank Frink''': I'm good. Real good. :'''Childan''': Could you make this? ''[shows an issue of'' Collect Americana ''magazine with an image of [[Sitting Bull]]'s necklace]'' Because I've got a chump lined up to buy it. ''[Frink looks at the image]'' Japanese. Their brains are different. I'm sure they eat from English bone china, and they listen to Negro music, but it's all just on the surface, ersatz as the day is long. Condescending bastards look down on me. Here. Look at this. ''[shows Zippos]'' Two Zippo lighters. Yeah. Look the same, don't they? Go ahead, hold them. ''[Frink holds lighters]'' One of them has "historicity" in it. :'''Frink''': What the fuck is that? :'''Childan''': It's worth 100,000 yen on a collector's market. Don't you feel it? :'''Frink''': 100,000? :'''Childan''': One of those two Zippo lighters was in Franklin D. Roosevelt's pocket the day he was assassinated, so it's got historicity as much as any object ever had. And the other one has nothing. :'''Frink''': That's your point? It's all a giant racket? :'''Childan''': And they're playing it on themselves. I mean, a gun goes through a famous battle, and it's just the same as if it hadn't unless you know. It's all in here, ''[points to nape]'' in the mind. So who's to say our jeweled choker isn't Sitting Bull's original? :'''Frink''': All right, so which one is it? :'''Childan''': This one. :'''Frink''': Won't he spot that it's a fake? :'''Childan''': The man's already got a forgery in his esteemed collection: pistol aged by an acid chemical. He can't distinguish what's fake from what's real. :'''Frink''': Let's screw him over. 80,000 yen split two ways. :'''Childan''': Just make sure it looks good enough. :'''Frink''': 60-40. I got materials to cover. === ''End of the World'' [1.08] === :''[John Smith talks to Dr Adler at his office over Thomas' latest consultation]'' :'''Dr Adler''': Um... this, um... this won't be easy for you to hear. Thomas didn't just pull a muscle wrestling, ''Obergruppenführer''. He had a tremor. :'''John Smith''': A tremor? :'''Adler''': I wish I could tell you that it was just growing pains, but your son has a serious disease. [[w:Facioscapulohumeral_muscular_dystrophy|Landouzy-Dejerine syndrome]]. The symptoms, vague at first, are loss of coordination, weakness in the arms, difficulty hearing... :'''Smith''': That's... That's nonsense. My son is the picture of health. :'''Adler''': I'm afraid he isn't. Within months, perhaps a year, there will be paralysis. :'''Smith''': That's a mistake, doctor. You're making a mistake. :'''Adler''': I would never tell you this were I not certain. He scored 10 out of 10 on the indicators in the [[w:Rudolf_Brandt|Brandt]]-[[w:Wolfram_Sievers|Sievers]] nerve test. :'''Smith''': Okay. So what's the... What's the treatment? :'''Adler''': ''Obergruppenführer'', we're talking about a Class A congenital disorder. There is no treatment. :'''Smith''': What do you mean, there is no treatment? No, I'm not accepting that, no. There's got to be some other tests you can run. I want a second opinion. :'''Adler''': You have the option, but you should be aware that if he is submitted to others for examination, this becomes an institutional issue. :'''Smith''': Oh, I see. :'''Adler''': Yes, of course. By virtue of your position, I feel what must be done can be done in the kinder setting of your home. I will hold your son's file outside the system, give you the time you need. As for, uh, medical assistance... ''[opens case]'' a syringe and an ampule of an effective combination: morphine, scopolamine, and Prussic acid. Absolutely painless. If you like, I can show you how to locate a vein in the back of the hand. === ''Kindness'' [1.09] === :''[Reinhard Heydrich visits Rudolph Wegener at his suite]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': Colonel. You look rested. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': Hardly. :'''Heydrich''': You've had time to reflect on your situation. :'''Wegener''': I have. This is a list of names, not just my wife and children, but her father and the rest of her family. :'''Heydrich''': Ten lives in exchange for yours. :'''Wegener''': That's the deal. :'''Heydrich''': You need not worry, Colonel. Come. You have a rocket to board. :'''Wegener''': Where am I going? :'''Heydrich''': Berlin. :'''Wegener''': What is it you expect me to do there? :'''Heydrich''': I thought it was obvious, Colonel. The Führer is old and ill, standing in the way of the empire he built. :'''Wegener''': Am I meant to talk to him? :'''Heydrich''': No, Colonel Wegener. You're meant to ''kill him''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith sees Heydrich talking to his family]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': The duty of maintaining order is never as thrilling as the challenge of establishing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yakuza'' oyabun ''Taishi Okamura meets Chief Insp Kido]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': We are looking for the man who killed your guards, but I assume that's not why you asked me here. :'''Taishi Okamura''': You impounded heroin at the docks this afternoon. Am I to conclude that this was in retaliation? :'''Kido''': You may conclude as you wish. :'''Okamura''': Such behavior is futile, Chief Inspector. The Yakuza cannot be destroyed any more than the sun can destroy the shade. This has been understood in our homeland for centuries. I cannot destroy the shadows you cast, but I can and will contain it. :'''Kido''': That is my duty. :'''Okamura''': Just as it is your duty to arrest the man who shot the Crown Prince. I'm told if you do not make an arrest by tomorrow, Tokyo demands that you commit seppuku. :'''Kido''': No one need remind me of my duty. I have a suspect close at hand. :'''Okamura''': You mean that ''hakujin''? The one who works in the replica factory? The real assassin fired from a clock tower with a sniper's rifle. Your so-called inconclusive ballistics report told you as much. :'''Kido''': What's your point? :'''Okamura''': I believe you have pursued a false suspect to disguise a truth you have known from the start - that the assassin is a Nazi agent. If it were known that a Nazi fired at our Prince, that would be an act of war, a war many in the Reich would be happy to see but one our empire would almost certainly lose. :'''Kido''': I do not deny your accusation, nor will I confirm it. :'''Okamura''': I don't need you to, Chief Inspector. You see, I have the name of the assassin, the real assassin. :'''Kido''': Name your price. :'''Okamura''': My price cannot be paid with money, Chief Inspector, but it is very, very high. === ''A Way Out'' [1.10] === :''[Chief Inspector Kido and Sgt Yoshida police the room of the now-dead SS sniper pinned in the Crown Prince assassination]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Go through his desk. Anything official must be destroyed. :'''Hiroyuki Yoshida''': I do not understand, sir. :'''Kido''': I think you do, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': What is this man's crime? :'''Kido''': The shooting of the Crown Prince. :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' But we've been pursuing Frank Frink. :'''Kido''': The witness said Frank never discharged his weapon. :'''Yoshida''': Then why not arrest and interrogate this man? :'''Kido''': Because that is exactly what the Nazis would want us to do. There'd be war. A war that currently our Empire cannot win. Nobody must ever know about this, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': But if Frink is gone and we cannot report the capture of the real assassin, how can Tokyo be satisfied? :'''Kido''': Whatever sacrifice is necessary. That is my burden alone, and I shall carry it. Yours is to remain silent and to act as my ''Kaishaku-nin''. Now do you understand, Yoshida-san? :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' :'''Kido''': The desk. ''[Yoshida works on it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener talks to his children one more time with his ex-wife Katharina present]'' :'''Rudolph Wegener''': ''[in German, as he embraces and carries Otto]'' It is far from easy to be a good man. In fact, as one gets older, it becomes more and more difficult to know... what a good man is. Yet it also becomes increasingly important... ''[looks at Katharina]'' to at least try. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reinhard Heydrich and his adjutant trap John Smith at a log cabin]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': ''[as he prepares coffee]'' What is the power of the films? Do you know why the Führer prizes them so highly? :'''John Smith''': You'd have to address any questions on that subject to the Führer himself. :'''Heydrich''': The Führer is a spent force, John. We both know that. I don't believe for a second that sharing the land of your birth with the Japanese sits well with you. :'''Smith''': I'm sure the Führer has his reasons. :'''Heydrich''': Loyalty is an overrated virtue, John, championed by the bovine, dignified by the weak to justify their weakness. It's certainly not worthy of you. :'''Smith''': Neither is betrayal. :'''Heydrich''': Ultimately, John, we owe our hearts and our minds not to any one man but to an idea, and that idea is under threat. It is up to the best of us to step forward now as both the Führer and nature demands. The strong must overcome the weak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener comes face-to-face with Adolf Hitler, and has a pistol pointed at him]'' :'''Adolf Hitler''': I know Heydrich sent you to kill me ''[faces Wegener]'' and I don't believe that you are capable of doing it. Of killing anyone, ever again. You were lost, Rudolph, the moment you lost faith in the Reich. Not to me, but to yourself. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': I was lost the moment I committed evil in your name. :'''Hitler''': Killing me might reconcile you with your past, but it will also prompt the people who sent you to attack Japan immediately. You must take responsibility for the one, or the other. :'''Wegener''': I know that the sins are my own. :'''Hitler''': Your only sin is your weakness, but you can still choose to die honorably. You will spare Otto and Klaudia your shame, and I will spare their lives. :'''Wegener''': ''[shaken at Hitler's stipulation]'' God forgive me. == Season 2 == ===''The Tiger's Cave'' [2.1]=== :''[General Onoda addresses fellow Japanese officials]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': Today we enter the tiger's cave. We enter it because two weeks ago, Science Minister Shimura found a capsule in his pocket, and inside the capsule was microfilm smuggled from the Reich Research Council in Berlin. The contents of the microfilm has been confirmed. At long last, we, too, possess the data to build a Heisenberg device. When it is completed, the device must be in range of North American Nazi targets ''[Tagomi tries to listen but temporarily clams up]'' of New York City. This is our moment. We must not hesitate to seize it. <hr width=50%> :''[Hawthorne Aberndsen tries to explain to Juliana the nature of his movies]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': Each one of these films show a reality like ours, but not ours. ... Some of us are just the same. Rotten or kind in one reality, rotten or kind in the next, but most people are different, depending on whether they have food in their belly or they're hungry, safe or scared. So you watch these films. You tell the Resistance what you learn about the people you see and the things. Things that could happen here, too. That's why... That's why the Nazis want these films. Not the Nazis, just old Adolf. That demented bastard's too paranoid to let anyone else see them. <hr width=50%> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi calls up the Wegener household]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Hello. Is that Mrs. Wegener? :'''Katharina Wegener''': Who is this? :'''Tagomi''': This is Tagomi Nobusuke. I met the colonel last year in Stockholm at a trade convention. Would it be possible to speak to him? :'''Wegener''': ''[German]'' My husband... is dead. He ''[cries]'' :'''Tagomi''': Mm... May I ask what happened? :'''Wegener''': They say he shot himself. He was a traitor. :'''Tagomi''': You must know. Your husband died trying to make the world a better place. :'''Wegener''': And did he? Trying is not enough, is it? ''[hangs up]'' ===''The Road Less Traveled'' [2.2]=== :''[Joe Blake appears at a construction site]'' :'''Site Manager''': Well, look what the wind blew in. :'''Joe Blake''': Look, I'm sorry to show up like this, sir, but... things took a little longer than I thought. :'''Site Manager''': Last funeral I went to, the whole thing lasted about an hour. You've been gone best part of three weeks. :'''Blake''': Right. I'm sorry, sir. I'm here now. :'''Site Manager''': And you expected me to keep the forklift open? :'''Blake''': No, not expected, sir. Hoped. :'''Site Manager''': Who the hell do you think you are, Blake? :'''Blake''': I don't think I'm anybody, sir. I just want to show up and do an honest day's work, if you'll let me. :'''Site Manager''': Well, you want to grab a sledgehammer and break concrete, I guess that'll be okay. That honest enough for you? :'''Blake''': Thank you, sir. ''[starts working]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink reads a letter Juliana just left for him]'' :'''Juliana Crain''': Dear Frank, I don't even know if this letter will reach you, but if you are reading this, I'm begging you, please get out of the city now. You might know already that I didn't follow the plan. But I am leaving town now. One day I hope I'll get the chance to explain everything and that you'll understand. You're the kindest, most generous man I've ever met, Frank. I'd given up on everyone and everything, and you put me back on my feet. You brought me back to life one step at a time. Frank. It's okay. I want you to know that my feelings for you were and always will be more real than anything I've ever known. Whatever happens, I don't believe our fate is inevitable. And you shouldn't, either. I don't know if we can change it, but I believe we have to try. You'll always be with me, Frank, and I hope I'll always be with you. ===''Travelers'' [2.3]=== :''[Helen Smith introduces Juliana Crain/Julia Mills to her apartment]'' :'''Helen Smith''': It's cute, isn't it? You're lucky to get one of the singles. Most of the other girls have to share an apartment. :'''Juliana Crain/Julia Mills''': Other girls? :'''Smith''': This is a dormitory for single women. Would you like tea? I made some. :'''Mills''': Yes. Thanks. That's very kind. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': How many other girls live here? :'''Smith''': Uh, there's space for 20 or 30, but I'm not sure how many are here now. Oh. We've thrown some things into the closet for you. There wasn't much time, so I hope they fit. And you'll find some make-up in the bathroom. :'''Mills''': Wow. This is so much more than I could have hoped for. :'''Smith''': Well, it's hard work to... Once you get settled, you'll be expected to join some of the neighborhood committees and the Nazi Women's League. But first you have to pass the ACT. :'''Mills''': What is the ACT? :'''Smith''': The Auxiliary Citizenship Test. That gives you the right to stay in the Reich permanently. You must be exhausted after everything you've been through. :'''Mills''': I am a little. :'''Smith''': Why don't you come by the house tomorrow? Say, 10:00. We can have coffee and get to know each other. :'''Mills''': All right. :'''Smith''': Okay. We're at 5026 Roxboro. I have left a tuna casserole in the fridge for you. But there's a grocer over on von Braun Street if you need anything else. You'll find 50 marks and some change in the desk drawer there. :'''Mills''': You thought of everything. I don't know what to say. :'''Smith''': Well, that's just it. You don't have to say anything.... See, now you're some place where good people actually look out for one another. I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Mills''': Okay. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': Thanks. ''[as Helen goes for the door]'' Wait. What about the key? :'''Smith''': Oh, there isn't one. No one locks their doors around here. <hr width=50%> :''[At a party Reichsminister Heusmann is hosting, Joe Blake is not too pleased at an [[w:Abwehr|Abwehr]] officer casually talking to him about his Pacific States mission]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm going home. :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': What happened? :'''Blake''': One of your guests reminded me of who I am and who I'm not. :'''Heusmann''': I don't understand. :'''Blake''': You wouldn't. But I've seen the blood that pays for this champagne. And if you think for a second that it's going to make me forget what you did to my mother... She died poor, by the way. :'''Heusmann''': Josef, I'm not asking you to forget anything. I get it. It was war. You were here. :'''Blake''': We were there. :'''Heusmann''': There's more to the story, son. :'''Blake''': I don't care anymore. :'''Heusmann''': Please. Please stay. :'''Blake''': Is that an order, Reichsminister? Whatever it is you need to tell me to clear your conscience, I don't want to hear it. ===''Escalation'' [2.4]=== :''[Thomas Smith guides Juliana Crain/Julia Mills with reviewing for the Auxiliary Citizenship Test]'' :'''Thomas Smith''': The ACT is made of three parts: Reading, writing, and civics. :'''Juliana Crain''': Okay. I got two out of three. :'''Smith''': Straight to civics, then. First question: From where does justice derive? :'''Crain''': The Reich. :'''Smith''': Yes, but more specifically. :'''Crain''': The Fuhrer? :'''Smith''': Very good. Justice is a divine right guaranteed for all and determined by the Führer, from whom all justice derives. ''[tries to drink milk but is visibly shaken]'' :'''Crain''': Thomas? You all right? :'''Smith''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Next question is about American exterminations before the Reich. :'''Crain''': Exterminations? :'''Smith''': Didn't they ever teach you about the [[w:American Indian Wars|Indians]]? <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink brings up the [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar concentration camp]] with camp survivor Sarah Murakami]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Why didn't you tell me about it? :'''Sarah Murakami''': It's just a patch of dirt, really. About ten hours from here. We were relocated there by the U.S. Army. My family and thousands of other Japanese people. American citizens suddenly considered enemy aliens. My dad said, "Sara, one fine day, they'll win, and they'll open that gate." He meant the Japanese Empire. And one fine day, they did win. :'''Frink''': One fine day for you. :'''Murakami''': Yeah. They won. But they looked at us, an all they could see was that we left Japan. We weren't Americans, but we weren't Japanese, either. We were...''hangyakunin''. :'''Frink''': Yeah, traitors. So you hate the Americans. You hate the Pons. Who are you fighting for? :'''Murakami''': I don't hate anyone. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith sees Helen looking distressed]'' :'''Helen Smith''': You know I spent the whole afternoon with Alice. :'''John Smith''': Yeah, you said. She must be... devastated. :'''Helen''': She is. She's devastated. John, I'm going to ask you a question, and I need for you to tell me the truth. :'''John''': Helen. Don't. :'''Helen''': ''[realizes from the tone]'' John, what have you done? :'''John''': Don't ask me any more. :'''Helen''': But wh-why? :'''John''': Look at me. All you need to know is everything I do... everything... I do it for the family, to keep our children safe. :'''Helen''': For the family? Our son is ill. I knew that there was something. :'''John''': Gerry was going to report him. :'''Helen''': But that is no reason for you to... :'''John''': There's no cure. There's no cure. ===''Duck and Cover'' [2.5]=== :''[Frank Frink and Gary Connell visit a gathering in the California forest]'' :'''Frank Frink''': What is this? :'''Gary Connell''': It's a memorial... for Karen. There are people here from the state of Washington, Baja, the Salt Lake. Come on. :'''Man''': As we gather tonight, we remember that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit. Remember too, that we are of good courage and would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord surrounded by the loved ones who went before us. Of course, the Lord can see Karen, even though we cannot. For precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. So let us lay this saint to rest. And let us not linger, children, for the wolves will soon be upon our door. <hr width=50%> :''[Lemuel Washington picks up Hawthorne Aberndsen]'' :'''Lemuel Washington''': You about ready to go, Mr. A? :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': There's a stack inside. Would you bring it out for me, please? :'''Washington''': Don't want to get that nice suit all rumpled up, huh? :'''Aberndsen''': Mm-mm. :'''Washington''': ''[as he picks up a stash of films and puts in the truck]'' There's a... There's a strong smell inside. :'''Aberndsen''': You noticed. :'''Washington''': Like gas. :'''Aberndsen''': That's the smell of leaving, Lem, the smell of moving on. :'''Washington''': What about the rest of them? :'''Aberndsen''': Nothing like a good spring cleaning. ''[lights match that burns down his hideout]'' ===''Kintsugi'' [2.6]=== :''[Helen Smith is uneasy over Thomas being called up for a Hitler Youth trip to South America]'' :'''Helen Smith''': He's not going, John. I will not allow it. I stop breathing the moment Thomas walks out that front door, and I only start again when he is back home. :'''John Smith''': You want to let him go to South America? Helen... :'''Helen''': He will be found out, and you know what that means. :'''John''': Okay. Sit down. Helen, sit down, please. We are going to let him go. Thomas will fly to Buenos Aires, all right? And from there, he's going to travel to meet the others on his expedition, but he's not going to make the rendezvous because, somewhere in the foothills of the Andes, he's going to be kidnapped by Semites. :'''Helen''': You did this. :'''John''': Now, this is going to look like, to the rest of the world, a terrorist act on a high-profile target, but Thomas, he's going to be okay. He'll be safe. :'''Helen''': In South America? :'''John''': He could live for decades, Helen. This way, he's going to be comfortable. He's going to be safe. No one's going to be able to reach him. :'''Helen''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I will personally spearhead the search for him and for his kidnappers. Now, you, of course, will be bereft, as will I, and publicly we'll never give up trying to bring our son home. But ultimately, Helen...we will fail. Now, if you have any questions, you have to ask me now... because, I'm afraid, once you've left this room, we must never talk about this again. :'''Helen''': Will I ever see him again? :'''John''': Maybe, one day. When and if it is safe. It's the only way, Helen. <hr width=50%> :''[In the alternate 1962, its version of Noriyuke Tagomi talks to Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Noriyuke "Nori" Tagomi''': Dad, you know who puts their faith in things like Yarrow Stalks and the i Ching? It's people who don't want to take responsibility for the choices that they've made. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': You're wrong. I take responsibility. :'''Nori''': You need to let Mom move on with her life. You need to sign the papers. :'''Nobusuke''': That is not your business. :'''Nori''': Mom is too polite to say it herself. ===''Land o'Smiles'' [2.7]=== :''[John Smith eulogizes Dr Adler]'' :'''John Smith''': Orator Hanley did ask me to say a few words. ''[clears throat]'' On the subject of Gerry's professional diligence. Uh...but I decided to go another way. When I sat down to think about what I wanted to say about Gerry Adler, I realized it all came down to one thing. The family. Gerry... Gerry was a family man. And I don't just mean his intense pride in his two fine boys and his beautiful wife. Nor am I talking about the fact that, through his work as a doctor, he... He came to be a part of all of our families. No, What I mean is that a man is only ever as strong as the people around him: the community he serves and the family he is sworn to protect. Whatever strength he has, he draws from them. And for them, he must be prepared to give everything. His life for his blood... Or else... Or else everything he has done has been for nothing. He is nothing. Now, if you'll please stand and join me in singing "''Der gute Kamerad''." <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda visits Takeshi Kido]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': I require an explanation for what transpired today. :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': ''Hai, Kakka.'' Taishi Okamura was a traitor. He was Yakuza. And exploiting his position to spy for the Nazis against the Empire. :'''Onoda''': You have evidence of this? :'''Kido''': ''Hai.'' I would not have acted without it. Nor without placing your family in protective custody. :'''Onoda''': I should have been informed at the same time you made those arrangements. :'''Kido''': I apologize, but I had to act quickly. :'''Onoda''': I fear you have been here too long, Kido-''tai'i. [imitating cowboys shooting]'' Too many Westerns. ''[chuckling]'' We have nothing to learn from the ''gaijin''. I admire your decisiveness, particularly in sensitive situations, as with the attempt on the life of His Highness. I will ensure the clan is aware of Okamura's treachery, but hierarchy must be respected. :'''Kido''': Unquestioningly. :'''Onoda''': So... now I know everything? :'''Kido''': ''[bows] Hai, Kakka. [Onoda leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and Juliana Crain/Julia Mills share a toast but talk about Thomas' near-seizure at the funeral]'' :'''Helen Smith''': Thank you for your help today. :'''Juliana Crain''': I was... glad to be a part of it. It's quite something, seeing everyone pull together like that. :'''Smith''': Well, like I told you, this is a place where people look out for each other. ''[serious tone]'' Julia, I don't want there to be any confusion between us. What happened at the church today with Thomas, I don't know what you think you saw, but you're new here and I wanted to make sure you understand how important it is not to jump to any conclusions... because it could be dangerous. :'''Crain''': Helen, what I saw today was a sweet boy... who's been overexerting himself, becoming emotional at the funeral of a close family friend. No confusion. :'''Smith''': Let's drink to that. ===''Loose Lips'' [2.8]=== :''[Joe Blake and Reichsminister Martin Heusmann enter Adolf Hitler's office, but Hitler is nowhere to be found]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Where's the Führer? :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': The Führer... is in a coma. The doctors say it is unlikely he will recover. Until the Party meets and selects his successor, the Führer had ordered that I be named acting chancellor. Trust me, it's not an honor anyone would want, Josef. :'''Blake''': I don't understand. :'''Heusmann''': You see, this has happened before. Once the Führer was unwell, and for a time it was thought as he would die, so Reichsmarshall Göring declared himself acting chancellor. :'''Blake''': I never heard about that. :'''Heusmann''': That's because Hitler had Göring shot, along with his entire family. :'''Blake''': ''[sighs]'' This is different, right? He chose you. :'''Heusmann''': Yes. And because I've been chosen, I must do my duty. :'''Blake''': Well, why? You're an engineer. :'''Heusmann''': An engineer. Exactly, and therefore not a threat, unlike Himmler and the others who would kill for this, and very well might, whether the Führer recovers or not. I will be held directly responsible for everything that is bound to go wrong in the days ahead. :'''Blake''': Or maybe they'll thank you. :'''Heusmann''': Ah, the American in you remains so optimistic... ''[puts hand on Blake's shoulder]'' and naïve, Josef. I want you to go back there. :'''Blake''': What? :'''Heusmann''': Return to New York today. It is no longer safe for you here. <hr width=50%> :''[Arnold Walker has just come to Childan's shop and asked Frank Frink to get out of San Francisco immediately and when Frink asks why...]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': Frank, Hitler is dying, and when he goes, there's going to be a Resistance uprising, not to mention a very good chance that this entire city's going to be wiped off the planet - :'''Frank Frink''': - by an A bomb. :'''Walker''': Who told you that? :'''Frink''': You don't think I'm crazy? Who, Arnold? :'''Walker''': Juliana. She called me. :'''Frink''': Ju... But how did she... Yeah. Yeah, her Nazi boyfriend. :'''Walker''': Hold on. Wait a minute. Frank. She is in the Reich, but she's not with the Nazis. She's working with the Resistance. :'''Frink''': No, she's lying to you, Arnold. She's been lying... :'''Walker''': It did not come from her, Frank. It came from an old war buddy of mine and the kind of guy who would give up his life for you. He wouldn't lie. :'''Frink''': And did he know about your day job? :'''Walker''': All right. ''[scoffs at being called out over his former Kempeitai job]'' Frank, that's fair. ''[walks around then faces him]'' I wouldn't expect you to understand what I did for my family, but ''do not'' call my daughter a liar! She never betrayed you. She never betrayed any of us. And I'm here today because she asked me to come and tell you and Ed to get the hell out of this city... because she still cares about you. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith and Erich Raeder visit [[Reinhard Heydrich]] at his cell as an alarm rings]'' :'''Erich Raeder''': ''[as guards release Heydrich's restraints] Oberstgruppenführer,'' if you will please get dressed, we must evacuate you immediately. :'''John Smith''': ''[enters cell]'' Please forgive our hastiness, ''Oberstgruppenführer''. We don't afford to take chances with your safety at a time like this. ''[pause]'' Reinhard, I don't speak for myself. :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': What is this? :'''Smith''': Please. Please hear me out. I know it's too late for me. I accept that. But I ask you to bear in mind that I was just a soldier... a loyal soldier... doing his duty. :'''Heydrich''': Am I to believe the Führer is dead? :'''Smith''': I ask you one thing. Will you give me your word that you will spare Helen and the children? :'''Heydrich''': How do I know this is not a deception? :'''Smith''': I wish it were. One hour ago, San Francisco was flattened with an atomic blast. ''[Heydrich looks sad]'' I won't presume to tell you the details, but our invasion of the Pacific States is underway. And then I receive an order from Berlin demanding your immediate release. You won, Reinhard. You won. :'''Heydrich''': ''[sniffles but face gets smug]'' You had your chance, John, and now you are on the wrong side of history. When the Japanese are eradicated, we will have a better world. A world, sadly, you will now never see. :'''Smith''': Do I have your word that you will spare my family? :'''Heydrich''': That is up to the new Führer. :'''Smith''': It's not you? :'''Heydrich''': ''[shakes head]'' No. It is someone with a much grander vision. ''[stands erect and gives Nazi salute]'' Heil Heusmann! ''[laughs hard]'' :'''Smith''': Reinhard? :'''Heydrich''': Yes, John? :'''Smith''': Thank you. ''[Raeder kills Heydrich]'' ===''Detonation'' [2.9]=== :''[A man comes before the Greater Reich News Service cameras]'' :'''Man''': ''[reads script]'' My name is Henry Collins. I'm Deputy Minister of Information for the Greater Nazi Reich. You've all been the victims of a lie. For the past few days, you've been told that the Führer is alive and well, on vacation at his retreat in Austria. But the truth... is that Adolf Hitler died last night in Berlin. ''[staff shouts in the background]'' The forces of the Reich did not wish you to know this truth - ''[a Waffen-SS soldier shoots him off-camera]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kotomichi has just seen Trade Minister Tagomi reappear at his office after several days]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Are you well, Trade Minister? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': So very tired. But I suspect you know the reason why. You're not from this world, Kotomichi. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister... :'''Tagomi''': I learned in the other world, defeat of our Empire, the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where you were injured. :'''Kotomichi''': My family, friends... perished in the bombing. As I lay in the hospital recovering from my burns, I learned to escape the pain... in my body and my mind. By accident, I found myself here. A happier world where my family survived. :'''Tagomi''': I believe there's a reason for my traveling, my powers. The armies in the other world made their atomic weapons larger, some a thousand times stronger than the one dropped on Nagasaki. I fear that they will eventually destroy themselves. If General Onoda does not listen to reason, then I must speak to the Crown Prince immediately. Arrange for my trip with great haste. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister, travel to Japan is not possible at this time. We will soon be at war. :'''Tagomi''': What? :'''Kotomichi''': Hitler is dead. Poisoned. And the Nazis have blamed the Empire. I fear your warning comes too late. :'''Tagomi''': There may be one last hope, Kotomichi. <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda explains to the Kempeitai staff the possible war that's about to come]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': It is now clear that the Nazi dream is a world in which we no longer exist. To them, like the Jews and the Slavs and the Gypsies, we are something foreign. Thus, the war machine of the Reich...is poised to attack us. The men in this room may not live to see sunrise, but our ''grandchildren'' will survive. But, we must never forget, the Emperor is immortal.''Tennō Heika. Banzai!'' :'''Staff''': ''[raises arms with every word] Banzai!! Banzai!! Banzai!!!'' ===''Fallout'' [2.10]=== :''[In Berlin, the'' Oberkommando der Wehrmacht ''meets with Chancellor Heusmann on a new war plan and an unnamed field marshal briefs them]'' :'''Briefer''': ''[explaining map movements]'' Chancellor, men, our attack is in three phases. Phase One- U-boat and silo-launched missiles to destroy primary targets. San Diego, San Francisco, Pearl Harbor in the Pacific States. Darwin and Manila, Yokohama, Kamchatka, and Vladivostok in the East. :'''Chancellor Martin Heusmann''': How long it will take? :'''Briefer''': On your order, 15 minutes from launch. :'''Heusmann''': And why not Tokyo, field marshal? :'''Reichsfuhrer-SS [[Heinrich Himmler]]''': ''[interjects]'' If we kill their emperor, it would prolong the conflict. :'''Heusmann''': So we spare him? After he murders our Fuehrer? :'''Himmler''': The Japanese must see their deity surrender and acknowledge the superiority of our Master Race. :'''Heusmann''': ''[sternly]'' They will accept that reality without him. ''[orders briefer as Himmler remains quiet]'' Destroy Tokyo in Phase One. :'''Briefer''': ''[looks at Himmler who nods at him]'' Yes, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Continue. :'''Briefer''': Phase Two - our long-range nuclear bombers destroy secondary targets, including Anchorage, Los Angeles, and Sacramento in the west. Osaka, Peking, Delhi, Bangkok, and so on in the east. Time to completion, six hours from launch. Phase Three, a ground and marine invasion to secure and occupy. We expect total capitulation within two weeks. :'''Heusmann''': What kind of retaliation can we expect? :'''Briefer''': The strongest resistance will be in our satellite states. :'''Himmler''': Particularly, the Americas, where we expect the Japanese to mount significant defense and counterattacks. :'''Briefer''': We anticipate Japanese bombers to launch long-range suicide missions. We should expect major attacks as deep as Chicago and New York. :'''Heusmann''': Projected casualties? :'''Briefer''': The nuclear attack will result in 15 to 16 million dead. Ground invasion will add another two to three million. :'''Heusmann''': And on our side? :'''Briefer''': The Japanese only have conventional weapons. Casualties will be in the hundreds of thousands. :'''Himmler''': And mostly Americans, so... acceptable losses. :'''Heusmann''': When can you be ready to launch? :'''Briefer''': By 1900 tomorrow, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Good, ''[rises with everyone]'' Tomorrow night, I will address the Reich from the ''Volkshalle''. During my speech, I will give the attack order. I will secure the Fatherland and the future of the Reich. ''[everyone makes the stiff-arm salute]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Chancellor Heusmann prepares the nuclear-launch console but Joe Blake tries to counsel him against attacking Japan]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Just think of the innocent lives. Father, you can't. :'''Martin Heusmann''': I know the casualties will be high, but that may be necessary. :'''Blake''': You can't really believe that. :'''Heusmann''': Did you listen to nothing that I've said?? :'''Blake''': Of course I did, but you can't build a better world if there's nothing left of it. ''[Himmler enters the room with a group of SS soldiers]'' :'''Heusmann''': ''[in German]'' What is this for? :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': ''[in German as the soldiers take Heusmann and Blake]'' Acting Chancellor Heusmann, you are under arrest for high treason and the murder of our Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler. :'''Blake''': ''[sees John Smith at the door]'' What the hell's going on? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Your father's a traitor, Joe. :'''Himmler''': ''[in German]'' Take them away! <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith heads to the front door to see Thomas meeting a crew from the Greater Nazi Reich Public Health Department]'' :'''Helen Smith''': ''[upon being given a consent form to Thomas' euthanisation]'' What is this? :'''Thomas Smith''': ''[to detail head]'' May I have a moment, please? ''[comes back to Helen]'' :'''Helen''': Thomas? :'''Thomas''': Look, I won't tell them about what you and father said. ''[embraces her one more time]'' Be proud of me. Tell Father to be proud. ''[leaves]'' :'''Helen''': ''[as Thomas rejoins the health crews and she's held back by the security guards]'' No. Thom... Thomas. Thomas, stay with me! Stay with me, Thomas! Thomas! ''[shouting, sobbing]'' Thomas! Thomas, don't go! ==Season 3 == ===''Now More Than Ever, We Care About You'' [3.1]=== :''[Joe Blake reads a prepared statement denouncing his father]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Martin Heusmann was my father. His false beliefs came to infect me. We were both guilty of wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, which gave rise to an unspeakable criminal scheme to assassinate our great leader, our one true father. Wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, against the Party, against the true science of National Socialism. Martin Heusmann was my father. <hr width=50%> :''[American Reich Propaganda Minister Billy Turner comes to work incensed]'' :'''Billy Turner''': They can't pull this shit on me last minute. The Fritz Kuhn deal is my deal. I don't need some German chick fresh off the rocket plane to tell me which way's up. ''[a woman enters the office]'' :'''Woman''': Nicole Dormer. German chick. :'''Turner''': ''[shakes her hand]'' Sorry. Billy Turner. Minister of Propaganda, and world-class idiot. Welcome to New York, ''fraulein''. First time? :'''Dormer''': Hardly. :'''Turner''': Miss Dormer... :'''Dormer''': Nicole. :'''Turner''': Nicole. I think there are some transatlantic crossed wires on this little renaming ceremony. :'''Dormer''': ''[reads sample propaganda posters]'' "Fascism is freedom"? "Freedom to prosper." "Freedom to explore." "Freedom from fear." "Freedom to propagate"? :'''Turner''': That's the new campaign. :'''Dormer''': New? Sounds rather familiar. :'''Turner''': Brand-new. :'''Dormer''': "Procreate to Populate, with Pride"? :'''Turner''': That's the spring rollout to inspire our young brides to... :'''Dormer''': Fuck and be fertile? :'''Turner''': I wouldn't quite put it that way. :'''Dormer''': ''[looks at draft art of a woman about to catch her baby]'' This image is perfect for a message from the Reich. Warmer, more maternal. Something like... forgive my English... perhaps... "Now more than ever, we care about you." :'''Turner''': That's not bad. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, schatzi. <hr width=50%> :''[Reichsmarschall for North America [[George Lincoln Rockwell]] graces the remembrance for Thomas Smith]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Rockwell''': We gather here today to honor a true hero of the Reich. When the hour of decision came for Thomas Smith, he rose to the occasion in a way that admirably reflected upon his father. Without wavering, without self-pity, Thomas Smith, on his own, made the ultimate sacrifice for a community, a country, a cause. Surely, Thomas Smith shall forever stand a peerless exemplar of Aryan youth. And as we remember this day, let us absorb a great lesson: In the hour of decision, in the hour of crisis, when we look for leadership, and for courage, to whom do we look? We look to people covered in medals. But sometimes, we are better served when we look to a boy. A boy with a dream in his heart. ===''Imagine Manchuria'' [3.2]=== :''[Kido pays his respects to Sgt Yoshida's grave. Nakamura visits him in the wake of a botched raid on Hagan]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': I told you, Nakamura. I have many skills. Interrogating the dead is not one of them. :'''Sgt Nakamura''': I am not worthy to replace Sergeant Yoshida. :'''Kido''': Perhaps not. :'''Nakamura''': Before I leave your sight, sir... All the bodies have been examined. No sign of the criminal priest Hagan. :'''Kido''': Find Hagan, bring him to me alive, and you will be my sergeant. If you cannot, resign yourself to a career in the colonial backwater in a conflict zone. If you think San Francisco is miserable in the winter, imagine Manchuria. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith summons Thelma Harris over what she wrote regarding Mrs Adler]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': May I call you Thelma? :'''Thelma Harris''': Of course. :'''Smith''': Good. Tell me, Thelma, you happily married? :'''Harris''': I am. :'''Smith''': Must be so difficult for you. Marriage is hard work. :'''Harris''': Yes, I know. :'''Smith''': But especially for a couple like you. With your sorts of secrets. :'''Harris''': Sir? I... :'''Smith''': You'd just lose your job, right? But your husband, well, he'd lose everything, considering the law. And his... friend? Roger? ''[sees Harris react]'' Oh, I don't judge. I assure you. :'''Harris''': You don't? :'''Smith''': No, but I understand how vulnerable you must feel, how... susceptible to unscrupulous operators. Like our friend Mr. Hoover. Constant threat of exposure. That's no way to live. :'''Harris''': No. No, sir, it's... it's not. :'''Smith''': Well, I can help you. If you'd like. :'''Harris''': Sir, that would be wonderful. But what do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Nothing. Nothing. :'''Harris''': Sir? :'''Smith''': Just keep doing what you're doing. Just have to let me know what that is. At all times. So I can help you. Help keep you and your husband safe. Do you understand? :'''Harris''': Perfectly. :'''Smith''': Very good. I'll have Major Metzger see you out. :'''Harris''': Thank you, uh, O... ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi takes custody of Juliana Crain and the other Trudy Walker]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': I threw the I Ching. Hexagram 40. Liberation. Changing line into Hexagram 56. Transition. Most auspicious. :'''Juliana Crain''': I never really got to mourn her, you know. :'''Tagomi''': Now's your chance. :'''Crain''': Focus, Tru. :'''Tagomi''': If you let go of her, the Trudy you lost, you will be liberated. Able to let go of her. And she of you. :'''Trudy Walker''': ''[as the room rattles]'' You've always looked out for me, sis. You don't need to anymore. Take care of yourself, sis. ''[disappears]'' ===''Sensô Kôi'' [3.3]=== :''[Joe Blake has tracked down Oberfuhrer Diels]'' :'''Oberfuhrer Oliver Diels''': Smith has sent you, hasn't he? That vengeful bastard. :'''Joe Blake''': You should've stayed loyal to the Reich. :'''Diels''': The old regime needed to go. Heydrich and your father, they understood that. :'''Blake''': My father confessed his faults. Renounced his conspiracy against the Fuhrer. :'''Diels''': Then your father died a traitor. ''[falls down after a shot to the chest]'' :'''Blake''': My father died a hero. ''[shoots Diels in the face]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith visits the [[w:Ahnenerbe|Ahnenerbe]] Institute]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': The Ahnenerbe Institute will remain focused on the sciences, under my purview. ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler asked that I introduce you to some of our more immediate efforts in advance of his visit. ''[shows Smith a cart full of the films]'' The late Fuhrer's entire film archive. At your disposal, with Himmler's compliments. :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Yes, I watched some of these in Berlin. Surprising number of them are insignificant or counterfeit. :'''Mengele''': And many are not so easily explained. Events, outcomes that cannot be dismissed as fake. The late Fuhrer knew these films, in the hands of our enemies, could be weaponized against the Reich. One of the archival projects is to sort, catalogue, and segregate the genuine from the ''ersatz''. The ''Reichsfuhrer'' has entrusted this task to you. :'''Smith''': Me? Not Rockwell? :'''Mengele''': Just you, ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. The films are part of several interrelated research projects. Our coordinated efforts will separate truth from noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nicole Dormer's new film tribute to Thomas Smith,'' An American Hero'', is shown before GNR officials]'' :'''Dormer''': ''[narration]'' But it is among Thomas' own generation, among his fellow classmates, that he is most honored. :'''Female student''': ''[in interview]'' I loved Thomas. I did. ''[sniffles]'' You know, ever since I met him in the second grade, he was always talking about the future. His plans. Everything that he dreamed about doing to make the Reich an even better place. :'''Dormer''': Thomas spoke about the future. Did he ever talk about his father? :'''Student''': All the time. Thomas idolized him. :'''Dormer''': ''[voiceover] Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith is one of the American Reich's most decorated soldiers. ''[footage of Volkshalle rally]'' And just last fall, Smith was honored by ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler for saving the life from the traitor Heusmann. At this time of Smith's greatest triumph, his son Thomas was walking to his death. ''[cut to Thomas' tribute at his school]'' At the ceremony at Thomas Smith's high school, I witnessed an astonishing moment. :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': ''[in tribute speech]'' A boy with a dream in his heart. :'''Dormer''': ''[describing footage]'' Thomas' younger sister, Amy, instinctively stood to salute her brother. Child after child followed suit. And I wondered, what kind of man inspired such devotion and passion in his children? ''[cut to Smith]'' That man, John Smith. He bears a responsibility of being father to children and father to the entire nation. It's that immense and that simple. ===''Sabra'' [3.4]=== :''[Frank Frink explains his new artworks to Mark Sampson and gives him samples]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Take them back with you. I want you to put them up. :'''Mark Sampson''': Yeah, there's there's something you should know. Um, people are are not only putting up your art. They're copying it. Young people, especially. They're they're making it their own. ''[shows Frank pictures of graffiti resembling his work]'' :'''Frink''': Ah, this is fantastic. :'''Sampson''': Yeah. :'''Frink''': All the more reason why we- :'''Sampson''': Look, they're arresting people, Frank. :'''Frink''': I don't want anyone to get hurt. :'''Sampson''': Well, look, in a way, it's out of your hands. Th these sunrises, they'd they don't even belong to you anymore. But this, this is really gonna get the Pons' attention, and not in a good way. :'''Frink''': You said people need to see - all this. :'''Sampson''': Yeah, and and, one day, the time will be right. And when it is, I promise you that we will wallpaper these sons of bitches like nobody's business. <hr width=50%> :''[a woman meets with Ed and Robert Childan about a certain artifact]'' :'''Woman''': The Duke gave me this just before he left to fight with the Rebels. :'''Robert Childan''': And this is the belt buckle he wore in ''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)|Stagecoach]]''? :'''Woman''': Mm-hmm. ''Stagecoach'' is my favorite [[w:John_Ford|Ford]]. :'''Childan''': Yeah, I just Feels a wee bit apocryphal. :'''Ed''': That means he doesn't believe you. :'''Woman''': O ye of little faith. He told me to keep it as a memento till he came back, which, of course, he never did. ''[shows picture]'' :'''Childan''': Oh. Now, that's a horse of a different color. :'''Woman''': That's me, that's the Duke, and there's the buckle. :'''Childan''': Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. :'''Woman''': He was killed in action at the Battle of Dayton. :'''Childan''': Oh. :'''Woman''': You know that? :'''Ed''': Everyone knows that. I mean, John Wayne. Wu? :'''Childan''': We'll give you five marks for this and the photo. :'''Woman''': That's the only picture I have of the Duke and me. :'''Childan''': Well, buckle's not worth a pfennig without the photo. :'''Woman''': Well, could you see your way clear to seven? I, I got my rent to make, and and seven marks might get me through. :'''Childan''': I'll tell you what I'll do - :'''Ed''': 15. We'll pay her 15. :'''Woman''': Fifteen. That's fair. Right? <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer is not pleased with a shoot of workmen weakly sledgehammering a bust of Abraham Lincoln]'' :'''Nicole Dormer''': Cut! Okay, cut. This is the old America. You are the new America. I want to see you full of power, energy. ''[to cameraman]'' In fact, get the camera off the sticks and move it in closer. Follow them. We need to feel the kinetic potential, the vitality of the new American Nazi youth. Okay, boys, what you're doing here is important work. You're erasing the past, replacing it with a better world, a world that is entirely yours. We ready? Okay, back to the start, please. Ready. And action! ''[the workmen start smashing the marble with more strength; instructing cameraman]'' Now get down low, underneath them, as they work. Shoot up. Make him look heroic. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido visits Tagomi]'' :'''Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi''': Howard Wexler. Who is he? :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': A defector from the Reich. :'''Tagomi''': Like Diels. :'''Kido''': Only much more valuable. A researcher. I believe it was the same assassin in both cases. Wexler was working with your ministry. :'''Tagomi''': On a project I cannot discuss. :'''Kido''': The Nazis are doing their best to sabotage us. And they are succeeding. These street protests- :'''Tagomi''': The street protests are under control. The agitators are suffering for oil. Kerosene. Gasoline. Heating oil. What are you doing about it, Trade Minister? :'''Kido''': Again, nothing I will discuss with you, Chief Inspector. ===''The New Colossus'' [3.5]=== :''[Helen Smith resumes her counselling sessions with Dr Ryan after John Smith arranges it for her]'' :'''Dr. Ryan''': Why don't we start with something easy? You know, a memory. Could be anything. :'''Helen Smith''': Anything? :'''Ryan''': Well, anything to do with Thomas. Why don't you sit back, shut your eyes if that helps, and, uh, go back to a moment. :'''Smith''': Needn't be anything big. :'''Ryan''': Could be something nice and simple. :'''Smith''': Uh, they they heard me scream and wail when Thomas was walking to that van. I wept, I pleaded, and all of my neighbors housewives and my friends they heard me beg him to stop. Stop and go back in the house. Don't do this. I'm so so ashamed. :'''Ryan''': But any mother would've wept and pleaded. Don't you think? :'''Smith''': My son was a hero, I was a weakling. :'''Ryan''': No. No, no. It takes strength to grieve openly. :'''Smith''': Does it? :'''Ryan''': It's the weak who conceal their feelings behind a tough façade. Now, just by me saying this, you won't magically let go of your shame. But, if it makes it any easier, there is nothing more important to the Aryan state than a powerful mother who brings the full force of her emotions and convictions to daily life in the Reich. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith fumes at John over ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] suddenly visiting the Smiths' apartment investigating her over Alice Adler's death]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Trust me, Helen, :'''Helen Smith''': Trust you, John? The last time - :'''John''': We're not relying on Hoover's help. :'''Helen''': I trusted you. :'''John''': No? :'''Helen''': Because he came bursting in here with two of his men. Who's to stop him from coming back and arresting me? <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith is summoned to George Lincoln Rockwell, with Reichsfuhrer Himmler and ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] by his side. Smith is curious why he is there]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': Let's start with Dr. Adler, whom you eulogized following his sudden demise from a heart attack. A man who'd just gotten a clean bill of health from his own cardiologist. So what caused Adler's fatal coronary? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Undetected coronary blockage, I'd assume. You, you tell me, George. :'''Rockwell''': I can't tell you, because Gerry Adler was cremated before a proper postmortem could be performed, per Alice Adler's pleas to anyone who'd listen. And then Alice went suddenly silent, too. She died in a botched burglary, according to the police. But now, ''[glances at Hoover]'' ARBI agents have come up with a fascinating conclusion: the burglar - if indeed it was a burglar - who murdered Mrs. Adler was another woman. Meantime, evidence has come to light of Smith's scheme to sneak his ailing son out of the country, and then stage a kidnap plot to spirit Thomas to an Argentinian safe haven. It's treason to cover up your son's illness, and treason to use your office to spirit away your sick son. Not to mention assassinating a high-ranking Nazi official, Dr. Adler, and his wife. :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Do you have evidence to back up these accusations? :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', we have the motive, the means and the proof. :'''J Edgar Hoover''': I'm sorry, ''Reichsmarschall'', but I'm afraid you're confused. :'''Rockwell''': ''[nonplussed]'' Confused. How? :'''Hoover''': The charges you've leveled against ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith are unfounded. They're mere conjecture. :'''Rockwell''': ''[pointedly at Hoover]'' Why the fuck would you say that? ''[Looks at briefcase and sees a bunch of crumpled papers]'' I don't understand. You showed me all those cables from Buenos Aires. ''[to Smith]'' Helen Smith's button, stained with Alice Adler's blood. ''[pouts and slams bag on table]'' Edgar. Where is it all? :'''Himmler''': Am I to understand there is no evidence to support these claims or treason? :'''Hoover''': I have no evidence whatsoever, ''Mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': It is, in fact, treason, to falsely accuse a senior Party member of such crimes. :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer''- :'''Himmler''': ''[In German]'' Get him out of here - :'''Rockwell''': ''[overlaps] Mein Fuhrer''... :'''Himmler''': Go away! Out of my sight. Out of this country. Immediately! :'''Rockwell''': ''[as he's manhandled out of the room]'' Edgar, you set me up. A put-up job?! I will fucking crush you! <hr width=50%> :''[Juliana Crain talks to Joe Blake about what she saw in his belongings, without implying she was perusing them at all]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Listen, Juliana, to resist is to invite the kind of pain that I went through. And trust me you do not want that. :'''Juliana Crain''': And what is it that you think I want? :'''Blake''': You want to join me. For a world full of perfection and happiness. :'''Crain''': You hardly seem happy. :'''Blake''': Just wake up! This is the world we live in. One that can be perfected, but not by your idea of goodness. Make peace with that, and there's a way out of this. :'''Crain''': But what does it mean ''Die Nebenwelt''? :'''Blake''': It means "the next world," a parallel world. And when we reach it, and the world after that, and the world after that, the Reich will be everywhere. It dwarfs my father's greatest dreams. Now get dressed. :'''Crain''': Or what? Hmm? You know, I've watched you kill me so many times. You know what happens next? You take that gun and you put it under your chin, and you blow your own fucking brain - :'''Blake''': You're gonna take me to Tagomi. And then you're gonna take me to High Castle. ===''History Ends'' [3.6]=== :''[Kido talks to Tagomi about documents Juliana Crain stole from Joe Blake that were delivered to the office]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': You were working with the scientist Wexler, were you not? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Yes, a sensitive project. Synthetic oil. :'''Kido''': These documents are highly-classified ''Kempeitai'' files. Where did you get them? :'''Tagomi''': They were brought to me. Is it possible they were in the possession of the Nazi spy at the time of his death? :'''Kido''': Possibly, yes. Whoever killed him appears to have prevented an attempt on your life. Tell me, Trade Minister, why would the Nazis want you dead? :'''Tagomi''': A provocation. :'''Kido''': Revenge. :'''Tagomi''': A warning. :'''Kido''': So, any number of reasons. :'''Tagomi''': Let me ask you something, Chief Inspector. What are you going to do about the traitor in your midst? <hr width=50%> :''[Ed catches up with Frank Frink at St Theresa's and they talk about Frank's art]'' :'''Frank Frink''': I just wanted to redeem myself. Anyway, seemed like helping the Resistance was the only way to make any sense out of what was left of my life. It was a mistake. :'''Ed McCarthy''': And you you tried to tell me. :'''Frink''': Ed, I killed people. I killed people directly. And I got them killed after, too. :'''McCarthy''': You know, the Japs' reprisals were, uh, were terrible. You can't blame yourself for that. <hr width=50%> :''[In New York, Himmler has just sworn in John Smith as the new Reichsmarschall for Nazi America]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': Today marks the beginning of ''Jahr Null'', Year Zero. This will become the beating heart of the Greater Nazi Reich... We will do away with the old. Today, history ends and the future begins!! ===''Excess Animus'' [3.7]=== :''[Having just killed Sgt Nakamura, Kido follows up with Tagomi over the Kempeitai files... over a late-night drink]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Would you like a drink, Trade Minister? ''[Tagomi sits down]'' If you want my cooperation, you must provide me with some answers. It is time for the truth. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': What is it you wish to know? :'''Kido''': Trudy Walker. The woman I killed is the same woman I arrested months later. They are not different people, as you suggested, they are the same. :'''Tagomi''': They are, indeed, different individuals. :'''Kido''': They are not. They have the same physical characteristics, even the same fingerprints. :'''Tagomi''': But one is from this world. :'''Kido''': The other? :'''Tagomi''': The other is not of this world. They are different people, separate lives. Separate histories. Different memories. :'''Kido''': How do you know this? :'''Tagomi''': I am a traveler. I have visited another world akin to ours, but but different. :'''Kido''': You visited another world? :'''Tagomi''': Where I got the film of the Bikini Atoll atomic bomb test. The one that dissuaded the Nazis from attacking us. In that world, the Allies won the war. It was their bomb, the Americans, not ours. We deceived them into thinking we had the bomb. :'''Kido''': And Miss Crain? :'''Tagomi''': Dr. Hamahashi has confirmed. The Nazis are building a machine to invade and conquer those parallel worlds. Miss Crain is trying to stop them. I told you she's on our side. :'''Kido''': At least for now. ===''Kasumi (Through the Mists)'' [3.8]=== :''[Some Kempeitai agents visit Robert Childan after he's interrogated over breaking into his own shop]'' :'''Kempeitai Agent''': You are Childan Robert? :'''Robert Childan''': ''[bows]'' Uh, a-actually, it's Robert Childan. Ne- never mind. What can I do for you, most honored Sir? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido has removed the people who have been illegally occupying your shop. :'''Childan''': What? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': I am instructed to inform you that it is yours to do with as you please once again. :'''Childan''': Uh, I-I don't understand. :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido rewards you for your service to the Japanese National State. :'''Childan''': My s-service to... Yes, of course. ''[bows] Arigato gozaimashita. [agents leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith visits Dr Ryan]'' :'''John Smith''': So what'd you have to tell me, Doctor? :'''Dr Ryan''': Well, it's a bit delicate, I'm afraid. Uh Forgive me, sir, but, uh I feel it's my duty to tell you that, uh, your wife has been articulating opinions, uh incompatible with Reich orthodoxy. :'''Smith''': I see. Please go on. :'''Ryan''': Well, this morning, she expressed a desire, a desire to rethink the Reich's eugenics policies. Uh, I think she feels that because of your position, you might have some influence in the matter. :'''Smith''': Has she expressed these thoughts to anyone else that you know of? :'''Ryan''': Not that I'm aware of, sir. No. She also spoke today of, uh, having acted impulsively. :'''Smith''': In what way? :'''Ryan''': I-I didn't probe. I thought it best to alert you. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Was there something else? :'''Ryan''': I don't know if you're aware, sir. There, there's a phenomenon that occurs in psychotherapy. It's called, uh, "transference. " Uh, a patient develops feelings of affection, or attraction for the analyst. It's very common really. :'''Smith''': And has my wife expressed such feelings to you, Doctor? :'''Ryan''': Today your wife was, uh physically demonstrative in a way that perhaps - :'''Smith''': It's okay. You can tell me. :'''Ryan''': She kissed me, sir. She, uh, gave me a good-bye kiss. It was just a kiss on the cheek, but under the circumstances... :'''Smith''': I understand. :'''Ryan''': Sir, um... :'''Smith''': Mm-hmm. :'''Ryan''': Given everything else, I really do think it best that I, uh I terminate treatment and resign as her analyst. ''[presents Smith his file on Helen]'' :'''Smith''': You did very well to tell me. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is fuming after the Japanese dispose of the Lebensborn agent he sent to kill Nobusuke Tagomi - outside the GNR embassy in San Francisco]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': To dump his body in the street like that? Savages! :'''John Smith''': There's, um, There's also been a ''communiqué'', sir, demanding that we end the oil embargo, honor our trade agreements, or face military action. :'''Himmler''': They won't risk a war. We will crush them. :'''Smith''': They do have the bomb, sir. I know Europe is secure, but the risk to the American Reich is real. :'''Himmler''': They're bluffing. Send them a message. :'''Smith''': Sir? :'''Himmler''': Tell them we reject their demands categorically. :'''Smith''': Sir. <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer calls Billy after the police raid a women's club]'' :'''Billy Turner''': Turner. :'''Nicole Dormer''': Billy. Thank God. It's Nicole. :'''Turner''': What's the matter? :'''Dormer''': Thelma's been arrested. We were having a drink - there was a raid. :'''Turner''': A raid? Where the hell were you? :'''Dormer''': A club. :'''Turner''': What kind of club? :'''Dormer''': For women. :'''Turner''': Oh, shit. Look, I'll make some calls. :'''Dormer''': There were photographers. :'''Turner''': Okay, I - I'll find out who. :'''Dormer''': Collect the film and, uh, send someone to pick her up. :'''Turner''': Billy, you have to go yourself. If it comes out - :'''Dormer''': Of course. Of course. Yeah, you're right. Let me see what I can do. :'''Turner''': Thank you. ===''Baku'' [3.9]=== :''[Billy Turner leads the planning of the Jahr Null kickoff ceremonies]'' :'''Billy Turner''': ''Jahr Null'' will be a live TV event broadcast across the Reich and the GNR. :'''Thelma Harris''': Where will the ''Reichsfuhrer'' and the ''Reichsmarschall'' be? :'''Turner''': On a VIP boat in the harbor. As close to the action as possible. :'''Harris''': And will Nicole Dormer be on the boat? :'''Turner''': Yes. :'''Harris''': And where will I be? :'''Turner''': On the boat, with me. :'''Harris''': Will I have an interview with her? :'''Turner''': No, she'll be directing, but, uh, I'll make sure to get you a statement. :'''Harris''': Of course. I think I have this. :'''Turner''': Okay, let's take five before the production meeting. ''[the other staff leave and Billy closes the door. to Thelma, coldly]'' Don't ever do that to me again. I had to make a lot of calls to clean up your arrest. :'''Harris''': I'm sorry. :'''Turner''': Stay away from Nicole. :'''Harris''': All right. <hr width=50%> :''[a Japanese man visits Robert Childan's newly-reopened store]'' :'''Robert Childan''': Kobayashi-san, what a delightful pleasure. How may I help you today? :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I was, uh, wondering if you still had that precious baseball. The one signed by the [[w:Murderers' Row|Murderers' Row]]. :'''Childan''': Oh, ''sumimasen''. I no longer have that item in my possession. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I see. Delightful pleasure to see you back. ''[goes to leave]'' :'''Childan''': Kobayashi-san. Um, I almost forgot. Rumor has it, a great influx of Americana may be moving west from the GNR. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': And what is causing this influx? :'''Childan''': The Nazis are in the midst of purging American history. So, if these rumors are correct, it would be a great bonanza for my business. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': Hmm. Interesting. If you are able to procure these old American artifacts from the Reich, I would very much like to view them. :'''Childan''': ''Hai.'' <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith meets Nobusuke Tagomi at a farmhouse somewhere in the Neutral Zone]'' :'''John Smith''': Trade Minister. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Good evening, ''Reichsmarschall''. Thank you for coming. Please, sit. I wish to extend my deepest condolences for the loss of your only son. I, too, have experienced the same. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Now on the phone, you mentioned Dr. Wexler and ''Die Nebenwelt''. :'''Tagomi''': Yes. This machine is powerful. Meant to cross the thresholds between worlds. :'''Smith''': The Reich won't be held hostage, Trade Minister. Nor will we engage in negotiations based on ill-gotten and half-baked intelligence. :'''Tagomi''': I had hoped to discuss these matters alone, apart from our government. Because we have achieved peace together once before. :'''Smith''': What do you mean? :'''Tagomi''': Last year, you presented a film in Berlin. You averted war. I provided that film for Chief Inspector Kido. :'''Smith''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Tagomi''': It is possible to reach other worlds without the use of technology. The different truths of those worlds are of great value. And of great personal comfort. I received the film from my son. ''[presents paper]'' This is a list of 15 German defectors still living in the Pacific States. The Empire has approved the return of them to the Reich. And please, accept this as a gesture of recommitment to our trade agreements. And in return, the Empire ask only that you honor our oil treaties. Thank you for meeting, ''Reichsmarschall''. :'''Smith''': I will see that the Fuhrer gets your list. :'''Tagomi''': I believe our two countries have great value for each other in peace. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido has successfully captured Frank Frink and brought him to a certain place in the desert]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': This was once the site of an American-Japanese internment camp. [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar]]. :'''Frank Frink''': Mm. :'''Kido''': I was there in 1945 when the camps were liberated. I have seen those painted all over San Francisco and the Neutral Zone. I never imagined they were yours. You have been speaking to me this whole time. :'''Frink''': I've been speaking to a lot of people. They've started to listen. It's beginning. :'''Kido''': I know I am a part of what you did. I executed your sister. Your niece and nephew. :'''Frink''': I did what I did out of anger. I, uh, I never wanted to survive. Never thought I'd have to face what I'd done. It changed me. :'''Kido''': How? How have you changed? :'''Frink''': Well, I'm... I'm free. :'''Kido''': So you are not afraid of death? :'''Frink''': No. No, not anymore. You? Only a death without honor. :'''Kido''': Honor. Out of weakness, I let you go. That was my mistake. ''[goes back to the car, as Sato presents him his samurai sword]'' :'''Frink''': ''[as Kido changes into his Kempeitai military uniform]'' [[w:Shema Yisrael|Sh'ma Yisrael]] Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad... ''[continues singing until Kido decapitates him]'' ===''Jahr Null'' [3.10]=== :''[at the Poconos base, the Ahnenerbe Institute research team completes a new test of the warp gate tunnel, and Mengele recovers dogtags from the vaporized remains of the test subjects]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': Three dog tags. The remains of three corpses on the conveyor not four. One, sir, the young woman. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': She got through. :'''Mengele''': It's a limited success, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': Progress, nonetheless. :'''Mengele''': It's more than that, it's a breakthrough. :'''Himmler''': ''Ja.'' Now, we must accelerate the number of tests and expand their scale. :'''Mengele''': Right. Thank you, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': I want 100% success rate. Close enough, at any rate, to begin ''[excited, points to the tunnel] to march troops through! [everybody applauds]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard a ship in New York harbor, Fuhrer Himmler and Reichsmarschall Smith preside over the destruction of the Statue of Liberty]'' :'''Himmler''': John, where is your family? :'''Smith''': I have sent them away for a few days, ''mein Fuhrer''. Helen was very tired. :'''Himmler''': Sends the wrong message when a Reichsmarschall appears at a public ceremony without his family. ''[enters deck crowded with officials and Hitler Youth/BDM members. returns Nazi salute and turns to view the Statue of Liberty with Smith]'' I'm particularly sad that your children are not here to witness this today. You will get your house in order. ''[addresses the youth]'' Today is for you. The generation born since the end of the war. A pure generation, free from the decrepit ideologies of the past. You are the future. ''You... are... the Reich''. But you must be vigilant. The enemies of the Reich are everywhere. Those who would anchor you to the past must be eliminated to make room for the new. Today, we tear down the old. Here is your Fuhrer's gift to you. A new beginning! ''Jahr Null! [to Smith as the'' Ode to Joy ''from Beethoven's 9th Symphony is played] Reichsmarschall'', give the order. :'''Smith''': Come in, Major. :'''Luftwaffe pilot''': Copy, ''Reichsmarschall''. Clear to target. ''[a flight of aircraft fire missiles at the Statue of Liberty, which collapses into the harbor after a controlled explosion and amidst a fireworks display]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[elated at the collapse]'' At long last, her light goes out. :'''Radio announcer''': With the destruction of this former icon, the American Reich enters a bold new era. In downtown New York, Nazi youths are pouring into the streets to celebrate the destruction of liberty. In solidarity with their Fuhrer, they celebrate the beginning of ''Jahr Null''. <hr width=50%> :''[After the destruction of the Statue of Liberty, Himmler has a word with Nicole Dormer]'' :'''Himmler''': We could not have hoped for a more spectacular start to ''Jahr Null''. :'''Nicole Dormer''': ''Danke, mein Fuhrer.'' :'''Himmler''': But for now, you are being recalled to Berlin. :'''Dormer''': Is Miss [[Leni Riefenstahl|Riefenstahl]] stepping down from her post? :'''Himmler''': No. Unfortunately, your high-handed behavior, your flouting all rules and conventions... Did you really believe perversion had no price? ''[sees Dormer's reaction]'' That club was raided on my orders. ''[as two guards come to take her away]'' You are being sent back to Berlin for a course of mandatory reeducation. :'''Dormer''': And what will happen to her? ''[referring to Thelma Harris]'' :'''Himmler''': Mrs. Harris' fate is not your concern. :'''Dormer''': ''[feels the guards hold her]'' Is that really necessary? :''[Himmler signals the guards to release their grip on her, and they leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith receives a call at his apartment. It's Helen, and John is curious where they all went]'' :'''Helen Smith''': The, the girls and I we're safe. :'''John Smith''': That's, that's good. Listen, you shouldn't have run away from that nurse. :'''Helen''': I wasn't running from a nurse. :'''John''': I'm not - I'm not angry with you. I'm just - You just you scared me, that's all. Can you just come home? Please? Can you just bring the girls and come home? :'''Helen''': I love you, John... but I was running away from you. ''[hangs up]'' ==Season 4== ===''Hexagram 64'' [4.1]=== :''[The Crown Princess eulogizes Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Crown Princess''': Peace and harmony. That is what Mr. Tagomi sought. We lost him to an act of violence at the very moment we needed him most. His spirit is Japan's spirit. True Japanese spirit. In our drive for empire-building, we have lost sight of this spirit. Violence produces more violence. This is what is happening in San Francisco. I intend to see Tagomi's work completed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Yamori is not too pleased that the Crown Princess rebuffed his suggestion to return to Japan for her safety]'' :'''General Yamori''': ''[after the Crown Princess' entourage leaves]'' Someone has been whispering in her ear. Is it you? :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': Don't be absurd. Her Highness speaks for herself and with the consent of the palace. :'''General Yamori''': ''[In Japanese]'' You Navy appeasers are more dangerous than the BCR! :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': ''[In Japanese]'' Appeasers? You don't know the battles I've fought for Japan. :'''General Yamori''': ''[Back in English]'' When you speak, I hear surrender. :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': The Chinese are advancing in Korea and Manchuria. Our resources are spread thin. How long do you think we can hold this territory? :'''General Yamori''':''[In Japanese]'' As long as I'm alive. ''[Inokuchi is speechless]'' Hmm. Colonel, show the admiral out. ===''Every Door Out...'' [4.2]=== :''[Equiano Hampton presides over a BCR meeting in 1961]'' :'''Equiano Hampton''': Amen. That's a beautiful sound. Now, I see a lot of familiar faces in this room. Doctors, teachers, artists. And new faces, too. I bring good news. Two days ago, the first shipment of arms arrived from our allies in China. We gonna take this movement to the next stage. Now, I'm not gonna lie. There will be sacrifices. But for us, that price is nothing new. Most everyone in this room has someone got put on a train in the Reich, ain't never came back. For my wife, and my daughter, the train stopped at a camp in Saginaw, Michigan. :'''Man''': Onslow, North Carolina. :'''Hampton''': Sorry for your loss, brother. :'''Woman with Husband''': Shiloh, Pennsylvania. James and Martha Arnold. :'''Hampton''': James and Martha. Sorry for your loss, ma'am. :'''Woman with Husband''': Thank you. ''[guests start reciting the names of their loved ones and the concentration camps they ended up in]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': ''[quietly and teary-eyed]'' Moulton, Alabama. Daddy and Mama. :'''Elijah''': How about right here in San Francisco, California? ''[everybody looks at him]'' William Pullum. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Shot in the back by the ''Kempeitai'' nine blocks from here. And that was just last week. :'''Hampton''': Last week?! This same chain of violence runs through our whole history in this country, from slavery to this very day. You've served your people as doctors, teachers and artists. But tonight? Tonight I'm looking for men and women to be soldiers. Who's ready to be a soldier? ===''The Box'' [4.3]=== :''[Kido talks to his son over why he still didn't appear for the job interview and the incident he caused at the Yakuza club]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There will be no report. The incident will be forgotten, but it cannot happen again. :'''Toru Kido''': I can't forget. I can't forget what I've done. :'''Takeshi''': What? What have you done? :'''Toru''': What my unit did in Manchuria. To the villagers. :'''Takeshi''': It was war. It is in the past. :'''Toru''': I can still hear their voices. :'''Takeshi''': You did those things for your country. You have no reason to be ashamed. :'''Toru''': It is not shame that I feel. Something more than shame. :'''Takeshi''': We must look forward now, and draw our strength from the Empire. :'''Toru''': The Empire. The Empire is not strong. The Empire is losing. :'''Takeshi''': Losing? :'''Toru''': In China. The TV says we are winning there, but it is a lie. :'''Takeshi''': Enough. :'''Toru''': We believe what we're told. We don't ask questions. I was not a soldier. You are not a detective. We are both puppets. :'''Takeshi''': I will not be spoken to this way. We are bound to our duty. :'''Toru''': Duty? And what of your duty to your family? You left us. ''[as the elder Kido manhandles him out of the room over what he just said]'' No, NO! :'''Takeshi''': Get out of this house. Stand up. You are not my son. ''[Toru leaves]'' ===''Happy Trails'' [4.4]=== :''[cold opening of a'' Tales from the High Castle ''episode where a white man has just been fired by his black boss and is now tasked to train a younger black employee]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': ''[narrating]'' Robert Street has just learned that the American dream is nothing more than an Aryan man's nightmare. And for Robert Street, that nightmare has only just begun. You may not know me, but you might've seen one of my films, those terrifying visions where the Allies won the war. My name is Hawthorne Abendsen, and I am the Man in the High Castle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has lauded Captain Iijima for his work in the Tagomi assassination case, but...]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There is one matter I wanted to discuss with you in private. Outside the office. :'''Capt Iijima''': Of course, sir. :'''Kido''': Per General Yamori's orders, the Tagomi murder case is now closed. The assassin found, the weapon retrieved, conclusive evidence... and yet, something unfortunate has come to light. We found a partial print on the clip inside the pistol. It is yours. ''[laughs as Capt Iijima feels uneasy]'' Do not worry, Captain. I have spoken with General Yamori. He has told me everything. I have redacted the incriminating evidence. I only mention this so that next time, you will be more careful in covering your tracks. :'''Iijima''': Thank you for the correction, Chief Inspector. Next time - I promise to be more vigilant. :'''Kido''': Good. :''[Iijima leaves, but Kido rechecks the case file and it is revealed that the weapon has no prints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is happy about the dinner at the Smiths' apartment]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': John, thank you for this evening. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's get that drink next time you're in town. Safe travels. :'''Himmler''': All I see in Berlin are smiling faces, everywhere I look. But there's no one I can trust. :'''Smith''': You'll always have my loyalty. :'''Himmler''': I don't want your loyalty, John. ''[sternfully] I want your devotion. [leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain hides in Zina Parks' bakery in the ruins of Washington DC]'' :'''Parks''': My, uh, husband and I... started building this as a bomb shelter toward the end of the war. We didn't finish it in time. :'''Juliana Crain''': Well, they dropped the bomb on a Sunday, didn't they? Knowing so many would be in church. :'''Zina Parks''': After the war, they took my husband. For his "impurity." I was happy to offer this to the Resistance as a hiding place. Uh... I have to lock you in, for the time being. :'''Crain''': No, I understand. Well, please, won't you sit? :'''Parks''': I'll, uh, I'll bring you some food in a bit. I believe that you are who you say you are. Can I... can I ask you something? :'''Crain''': Of course. :'''Parks''': I've seen the film. A lot of us have. ''[looks at journal Juliana shows her]'' There's Roosevelt alive with Churchill and Stalin. :'''Crain''': I remember the day Roosevelt was assassinated. :'''Parks''': Yeah. :'''Crain''': But in that world, he survived. :'''Parks''': Please, could you keep going? W-What happened next? :'''Crain''': I have something I... could show you. :'''Parks''': Okay. :'''Crain''': ''[shows notebook]'' This is, uh... This is a sketch that I did from a newspaper clipping after FDR was shot at. One bullet could have changed everything. But it didn't. Not there. :'''Parks''': W-What's this one? :'''Crain''': That's Roosevelt. That's after he created the New Deal. :'''Parks''': [[New Deal]]? :'''Crain''': Yeah. Just, um, "Relief, Reform, Recovery." That was the motto, and he completely rebuilt the economy. :'''Parks''': Ended the Depression? :'''Crain''': He did. He also led the US to victory over Nazi Germany. ===''Mauvaise Foi'' [4.5]=== :''[in the wake of the US surrender and the military standing down in early 1946, Colonel Bolden visits John Smith's quarters]'' :'''Colonel Bolden''': I just came from the handover at West Point. Patton shook hands with Goering. It's all settled. First men to sign on will get food and good positions within the Reich. The holdouts will get nothing - or death. We report for duty tomorrow, at 0600. It's up to you. ''[leaves Nazi swastika armbands]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wyatt Price appears at Zina Parks' hideout looking for Juliana Crain, and finds her talking to Parks and some people about events in the other world]'' :'''Zina Parks''': What happened to Himmler and Goring? :'''Man''': And the Nazi leaders? The Allies, they could've put them up against a wall and shot them. :'''Juliana Crain''': That's what had always been done when wars ended, but they decided to do something different. They gave them a fair trial. :'''Man''': Nazis don't deserve a trial. :'''Crain''': Well, they were criminals. Once they put them on the stand, the world could see them for what they were. Their crimes were enormous, but these were small, weak men. They, um, they made excuses. They claimed they didn't know, that they were helpless to stop it. :'''Parks''': Tell them what happened to Hitler. :'''Crain''': He hid out in a bunker and then shot himself in the head. :'''Man''': It seems impossible. ''[chuckles]'' Like a dream. :'''Crain''': If they can be beaten in that world, they can be beaten in this one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the real-life 1964, Reichsmarschall John Smith and the Thomas Smith of that timeline eat at a diner in [[w:Bailey's Crossroads, Virginia|Bailey's Crossroads]] and have just witnessed a black man and woman being hauled out because the manager wouldn't serve them]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's go. :'''Thomas Smith''': What? :'''John''': I don't know. I'm just surprised, I guess. :'''Thomas''': I would have thought you'd have done something. :'''John''': Well, what would I do? :'''Thomas''': Said something. Done something. :'''John''': We're not the law. Come on, it's not up to us. Just seems so wrong. :'''Thomas''': They passed [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|a law]] that gives the right to these people to eat at the counter. :'''John''': And this still happens? So, this is the system you want to lay down your life to defend, huh? ''[referring to Thomas' decision to join the Marines]'' :'''Thomas''': This is the system that you fought for. :'''John''': And I came back a hero. Is that what you think? :'''Thomas''': ''[scornfully]'' That's what I thought you were. :'''John''': Is that what you want to be? You want to be a hero? You want to have your face painted on a mural? Maybe have a school named after you? You'd still be dead, Thomas. :'''Thomas''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I've seen it before. I know how it ends. And even if you don't die, you're gonna come back, you're not gonna be the same. It's all bullshit, Thomas. It's a fucking lie. Medals, flags, anthems. Pledges of allegiance. Freedom. I look around me, I don't see freedom. I don't see order. I just see chaos. I don't see anything worth giving my son's life for. :'''Thomas''': Who are you? ''[storms out]'' :'''John''': Thomas. Tho... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the real-life 1964, Daniel Levine excuses himself from what should have been a fun time watching football with the Smiths, but John Smith goes after him]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Danny. ''[sadly looks down]'' You know I had no choice, right? :'''Daniel Levine''': What do you mean, John? :'''Smith''': ''[teary-eyed]'' It's no use. It's no use. I... You're not gonna understand. I'm sorry. :'''Levine''': ''[comforts him]'' Hey. Hey, we're brothers, right? You got nothing to ''[deeply embraces John]'' feel sorry for. ''[long pause]'' I got you. ''[gently breaks off embrace and leaves]'' ===''All Serious Daring'' [4.6]=== :''[When Childan reemerges at his store and explains to his assistant, Yukiko, why he should talk to the Kempeitai about not being part of the BCR's Presidio raid, she's not too keen]'' :'''Yukiko''': Your optimism is so American. :'''Robert Childan''': What do you mean? :'''Yukiko''': When I was 14, a man came to our village to collect the young girls. He told us we'd be nurses in the city and work with the war effort. I was excited. I wanted to go, but my father knew what he meant. They made the girls ''bainshunfu''. :'''Childan''': Prostitutes. :'''Yukiko''': My father took me to the local authority. Sergeant Tanaka - a man he trusted. Tanaka scared off the man from the city, and I felt safe. And I'm working in the field, and Tanaka came. He took me in the field. My face in the dirt. I told my father what Tanaka had done to me. My father demanded my honor be restored. :'''Childan''': Your father killed him? :'''Yukiko''': No, Robert. He made me marry him. My father shook Tanaka's hand at the wedding, and I was married with the man for 12 years. The day Tanaka died was the day I was born. Never be ashamed of eating mice. We're survivors. We will outlive these men. All their honor, all their ribbons and medals are there to disguise who they really are, but their crimes are always revealed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having just arrested General Yamori and killed Captain Iijima over the assassination of Nobusuke Tagomi, Kido visits the Japanese Crown Princess]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': This file holds the evidence that Captain Iijima was the man who shot Trade Minister Tagomi. Iijima was working under the orders of General Yamori. :'''Crown Princess''': I am shocked, but I am not surprised. This occupation has turned our people against themselves. I understand your son served in Manchuria. :'''Kido''': Yes, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': I hope for a day we no longer need to send our sons to war. I will see that this information is delivered to the Emperor himself. There will be consequences. Chief Inspector, I know where your political sympathies lie. :'''Kido''': My loyalties will always lie with the emperor. :'''Crown Princess''': This must not have been easy. :'''Kido''': It was my duty. Nothing more. ===''No Masters but Ourselves'' [4.7]=== :''[Bell Mallory addresses BCR members setting up their bombs for the Crimson Pipeline]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': You don't have to do this. You can leave right now. Door's wide open. You will not be judged. ''[to young girl]'' Set the timer for 25 minutes. Enough time for you to get clear without anyone finding the parcel. ''[girls hum accordingly]'' Some of you will be captured. I know you know what that means. Most we can promise is to fight every day for your release. ''[to man preparing shoeboxes]'' That's some beautiful shoes you just cobbled together. Your families will be cared for. We don't forget what our soldiers have given to the struggle. We do this because we want the life our people have never had before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen Smith appears as a guest on the cooking show'' Hausfrau with Gabriela - ''indirectly on Margerete Himmler's suggestion]'' :'''Gabriela''': Now, you have been married to ''Reichsmarschall'' John Smith for - :'''Helen Smith''': Twenty years. And how the time has flown. :'''Gabriela''': So, what is your secret to a happy marriage? How do you manage to keep the fire burning? :'''Smith''': I can answer that in one word. A word that we can use on Reich TV? :'''Gabriela''': I think we can use it. :'''Smith''': Yes. Honesty. That, to me, is the foundation of a successful marriage. :'''Gabriela''': Helen, think back to your first Reichsgiving, the first moment you first gave thanks for National Socialism. :'''Smith''': Um, hmm... Oh, um, it would be February, '46, just after The Liberation. John was still in the ''[clears throat]'' John was in the US Army. Um, we had been posted to Fort Monmouth, and we had just had our son. Thomas was, um, he was just a baby. :'''Gabriela''': It's all right. Take a moment. :'''Smith''': No, no, I - I'd like to talk about it. We hadn't eaten in days. I thought that my baby was going to starve in my arms. A man, a Reich colonel, he came to our door. He brought us milk, bread, cheese, meat. It was all airlifted in by the Reich in an act of mercy. And my baby he finally stopped crying. :'''Gabriela''': From that day forward, thanks to that spirit of mercy, there has never again been hunger in the Reich. ''[audience applauds]'' And who else was there that night? :'''Smith''': Um, it It was Uh, well well, it was just just us, our family. :'''Gabriela''': As it should be? :'''Smith''': John, myself and Thomas, and... We put the past behind us. :'''Gabriela''': Thanks, Helen. We would love to have you back on the show again, any time. :'''Smith''': Yes, yes. I- I would like that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the wake of the Crimson Pipeline bombings, Chief Inspector Kido dons headphones but eventually puts them down to set the radio on full blast]'' :'''DJ Evangeline''': DJ Evangeline coming to you live from from Resistance Radio with breaking news from the JPS. :'''Bell Mallory''': I speak for the Oakland Battalion of the Black Communist Rebellion. We claim responsibility for today's attacks on the vital services, command-and-control, and oil infrastructure of the Japanese occupiers. We seek an autonomous territory for black people on the West Coast. And we will never quit. And the Empire's oil will not flow until we get our homeland. All power to the people. :'''DJ Evangeline''': All power to the people, indeed, Sister. There you have it, direct from the BCR. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido is forced to get the Crown Princess out of San Francisco]'' :'''Crown Princess''': ''[stops and security detail deploys in a wheel around her]'' Before I go, I must ask you to be truthful with me one more time. When I've made my report to the Emperor, he will ask me one question. And the answer I give... will depend on what you report. :'''Kido''': I understand, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': Can we hold this territory? :'''Kido''': I believe that in time with enough firepower and troops, we can finish these Negro rebels. But the price will be paid with the blood and souls of the sons of Japan. I once felt that any price was worth paying. We can prevail, Crown Princess... but I no longer believe we should. :'''Crown Princess''': I realize what you've just said goes against your every instinct. For that, you have my respect, ''Tai-sa.'' Rest assured, I will bring your message to the Emperor. ''[Kido bows and the team ushers her to her limo]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emperor Hirohito makes an [[w:Jewel_Voice_Broadcast|address]]]'' :'''[[w:Emperor Showa|Emperor Hirohito]]''': ''[in Japanese with English translator voiceover]'' To our good and loyal subjects, after pondering the general trends of the world, and conditions obtaining in our Empire today, I am effecting a settlement of the present situation by resorting to an extraordinary measure. We declared war on America to ensure Japan's self-preservation, it being far from our thought to infringe on the sovereignty of other nations or to embark upon territorial aggrandizement. Our North American Occupation has lasted for nearly 20 years. Despite the best that has been done by everyone, the gallant efforts of our military and naval forces, continuing occupation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage. Should we continue to devote our precious resources to occupying the Japanese Pacific States, it would threaten the protection of the Japanese homeland. This is the reason I have ordered the strategic withdrawal of our occupying forces from the JPS. I am keenly aware of the inmost feelings of all of you, my subjects. However, I have resolved to redeploy our awesome might and manpower from our North American territories to the front lines of the escalating Asian conflict. Let our entire nation continue as one family, ever firm in its faith of the imperishableness of our Imperial State. ===''Hitler has Only got One Ball'' [4.8]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido has a toast with the surviving'' Kempeitai ''staff who will join the Japanese evacuation]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': I look around at all your young faces. Well, some not so young anymore. So many young men have come through this department. Not all of them will be going home to Japan today. I was a hard boss. I know. I demanded everything of my men. I rarely gave praise. There were young men who died at my command trying to please me. And even as they died in my arms, I offered no kind word. So, I will say it now. You make me proud. Each one of you. ''[offers toast and bows] Okuro! [they all drink and Kido dons his glasses]'' Now... go to the docks and sail back home. Your families miss you terribly. Do not keep them waiting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smith visits Aberndsen after he discovers Caroline committed suicide]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': I'm sorry this happened, Aberndsen. :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': You're the reason it happened, John. She knew there was no other way to escape a life sentence. :'''Smith''': It didn't have to be a life sentence. If you just cooperated, you could've had your freedom. :'''Aberndsen''': What the hell do you know about freedom? :'''Smith''': Come on. :'''Aberndsen''': What's it gonna take to kill me, John? What do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Oh, I'm not gonna let you die. :'''Aberndsen''': Yeah. We'll see about that. You keep coming to me for answers, well, here's the last answer you're ever getting from me: you're cursed. John Smith, you're damned. You fucked with the Fates, and they don't like that. You'll never know peace, John. ''[as Smith leaves]'' You'll wander forever between the worlds lost! LOST!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bell Mallory and the BCR forces storm the now-empty Japanese Authority office, but sees a figure smoking at the governor-general's table while music is played]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': Who are you? :'''Man''': My name is Okami. :'''Mallory''': The BCR has claimed this place in the name of the people of San Francisco. You'd do well to be on the next ship out of here. :'''Okami''': ''[nurses cigarette, but puts it down]'' We're not going anywhere. :'''Mallory''': "We"? :'''Okami''': The services we provide are always in demand. No matter who occupies the throne. :'''Elijah''': ''Gokudo''. Yakuza. :'''Mallory''': You have no place in San Francisco anymore. :'''Okami''': You're going to need us. To restore electricity. Water. The oil pipeline. ''[calmly stands up]'' It's one thing to overthrow a government. It's another thing to ''be'' the government. :'''Mallory''': We've come this far. We don't need you. :'''Okami''': ''[walks to the door but politely bows to Mallory as everybody has their guns aimed at him. takes one last look]'' You know how to find us. ''[leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Whitcroft has played for Smith a sampling of ARBI Director J Edgar Hoover's plans for universal surveillance]'' :'''Bill Whitcroft''': ''[turns off tape]'' There's more, John. Your housekeeper, your wife's friends, your old neighbors. If you had a dog, he would be informing on you. I don't have to tell you they mean to use all this against you in Berlin. There's, um another way. :'''John Smith''': What's that? :'''Whitcroft''': You know I'm loyal to you above all. All right, it's been 25 years - :'''Smith''': Just say it, Bill. :'''Whitcroft''': We have 103 nukes in silos across the country. On our own we are a superpower. We could go our own way, John. Our military will fall in behind you. We tear up that flag, there's nothing Berlin can do about it. Unless they wanted World War III. :'''Smith''': You realize you could be shot for saying that? :'''Whitcroft''': I'm willing to take that chance. Look, I'll follow you wherever you go. :'''Smith''': I have to go to Berlin, Bill. If anything should happen to me, then, uh Helen and the girls need to be taken to safety without delay. :'''Whitcroft''': Of course. :'''Smith''': I've made detailed plans for their well-being. They're in my safe. ''[gives key]'' This is the key. :'''Whitcroft''': You don't have to do this, John. :'''Smith''': I think we both know that's not true. ===''For Want of a Nail'' [4.9]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido wakes up to Empire TV-San Francisco's farewell broadcast]'' :'''ETV Announcer''': ''[in Japanese]'' Soon, the last ship leaves for Japan and with it the life we have made here. This concludes the final broadcast of Empire TV San Francisco. Farewell. Long live the Emperor! ''[Cut to Rising Sun flag and [[w:Kimigayo|Kimigayo]] as background music.]'' :'''Kido''': ''[tries to sing along]'' Continue for a thousand, eight thousand generations, until the pebbles... ''[simply listens until the end]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido suddenly has visions of watching a Nippon Professional Baseball game... with his son Toru as a child]'' :'''Toru Kido''': Okudaira was a good trade for Yanaihara. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Okudaira? :'''Toru''': Aren't you going to eat your manju? :'''Takeshi''': You can have it. :'''Toru''': Coach Egawa says he may move me to shortstop next season. :'''Takeshi''': Shortstop. That is a very important position. Very demanding. You must have impressed Coach Egawa. :'''Toru''': ''[watches match]'' Ground ball to second. :'''Takeshi''': Out at first. :'''Toru''': Someday, I want to grow up and play shortstop for the [[w:Yomiuri Giants|Yomiuri Giants]]. :'''Takeshi''': Do not let your imagination run away with you. :'''Toru''': Of course. :'''Takeshi''': You will serve in the army. :'''Toru''': ''[glumly]'' I'm sorry, Father. :'''Takeshi''': ''[looks in the distance]'' If you work hard enough, you will become a fine ballplayer. We will go to the park and practice fielding ground balls. ''[looks back at Toru]'' How does that sound - ? ''[but sees Toru is no longer there]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The OKW discuss attacking the former Japanese Pacific States with a full combined ground and air assault]'' :'''SS Oberstgruppenfuhrer Adolf Eichmann''': ''[in German, details animation in map]'' The conquest of the North American West will unfold in stages. First, the Luftwaffe will disable critical command-and-control infrastructure and carpet-bomb population centers. San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, and so on. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Forgive me, General how much value to the Reich will these cities have if they're reduced to rubble? :'''Eichmann''': ''[in English]'' The aerial assault will break the will of the population. Next, our Panzer divisions will cross the border from the Neutral Zone in a blitzkrieg strike. Supported by our Wehrmacht battalions, we will have control of the West Coast within a week. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Smith. You are a skeptic? :'''Smith''': Invading the West is one thing, ''[to Himmler, nodding respectfully] Mein Fuhrer''. Holding it is another. :'''Eichmann''': The BCR are crude savages. They rely on animal instinct. :'''Smith''': That's what the Japanese thought. :'''Eichmann''': We use different methods, ''Reichsmarschall'', and they have never failed to achieve results, as you know. :'''Smith''': Yes. :'''Himmler''': The question is not whether or how or when, Smith. For that is our destiny. The question is ''who''. Who will lead the conquest of North America? A prize second only to Europa herself. Do you really believe that you deserve it, Smith? Or should I bestow it on someone else? ''[points]'' Eichmann, perhaps? Or Goertzmann? :'''Eichmann''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', perhaps this duty can only be entrusted to a member of the German ''Herrenvolk''. :'''Himmler''': What do you say to that, Smith? :'''Smith''': I disagree. :'''Himmler''': That is all? :'''Smith''': ''[stands up]'' America is a rebel nation, ''[nods] mein Fuhrer''. A German commander might - if you'll forgive me - promote unrest in the military. Only an American can truly control it. :'''Himmler''': But you do not control America, Smith. Rebellion is rampant, and I have a bullet wound to prove it! :'''Eichmann''': Is the problem that he can't control America? Or is it that he won't? :'''Smith''': What are you insinuating, Eichmann? :'''Himmler''': He is asking where your true loyalties lie, Smith. And I have been wondering the same thing myself. But tonight, at last, we are all going to learn the truth about John Smith. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Himmler talks to John Smith about J Edgar Hoover's revelations of him]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[takes a drink]'' When a man gets to be my age, he needs a son. I thought of you as that son, John. I saw myself in you. If anyone had hurt you, shot you, as those assassins did me, I would have hunted them down and strangled them with my bare hands. But you did nothing to avenge me. Where's the tribute to the man who gave you everything? When did you even visit me when I was sick? Nothing. ''[Smith is blank]'' Say something, Smith. If not for yourself, then for your family. Say something in your defense!! :'''Smith''': What can I say, ''mein Fuhrer''? You're... You're right. I never loved you. I never saw you as a, a father. I saw you as a, a petty little tyrant. You're a mediocre man. ''[sees Himmler coughing at the words and retreats to his oxygen tank]'' A failed chicken farmer. The very thought that you see yourself in me, it sickens me. ''[Himmler inhales from the tank, but upon noticing something different, Smith makes him breathe the gas in until he dies. Smith turns off the oxygen tank, which is actually a tank of Zyklon B.]'' ===''Fire from the Gods'' [4.10]=== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Production director''': Okay, quiet, everyone. Cameras rolling. We go live in five... four... :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the ''Reichsfuhrer'' of North America. :'''Reichsfuhrer John Smith''': My fellow Americans. The last few days have been difficult for us all. Heinrich Himmler was a father to our people. We mourn his loss. But with his passing comes an opportunity for rebirth and renewal. A change has come to the Western states, and with it, a chance to take our divided land and bring it back together. A great transformation is coming. Soon, we will be one nation again. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and her daughters have just watched Bell Mallory's pirate broadcast from the former Empire TV San Francisco studios. Jennifer is moved]'' :'''Jennifer Smith''': Amy, go to your room. :'''Amy Smith''': You're not my mother, you can't tell me to go to my room. :'''Jennifer''': You don't want to hear this. :'''Helen Smith''': ''[ushers Amy]'' Sweetheart. It's, it's time for bed. Come on, I'll tuck you in in a minute. :'''Jennifer''': It was you. You and Daddy. You killed them. :'''Helen''': Killed who? :'''Jennifer''': The Negroes, the Jews, all those people. What happened to them? :'''Helen''': Oh. :'''Jennifer''': I need to hear it from you. :'''Helen''': Okay, uh, they, they they sent them to camps. :'''Jennifer''': And what did they do in the camps? :'''Helen''': They forced them to work. :'''Jennifer''': Then what? Where are they now? :'''Helen''': They're gone. They killed them. :'''Jennifer''': And you and Daddy were a part of it. :'''Helen''': Yes. Yes, we were. It It was a different time. We felt like our world... It had just ended, it was a decision that we made for one day that led to 20 years. :'''Jennifer''': You could have escaped to the Neutral Zone. :'''Helen''': Yeah, we could have, yes. But we didn't. :'''Jennifer''': So you joined the Party instead. Daddy was in the SS. :'''Helen''': I did it because I well, I believed in it. Not at first, but later I-I - I believed in all of it. :'''Jennifer''': The camps where they killed - the Jews and the Negroes? :'''Helen''': All of it. All of it. They told us it was necessary. I didn't ask any questions. I didn't even think about those people until... oh... ''[gets emotional]'' Until we became those people. :'''Jennifer''': You got all this. :'''Helen''': We didn't do it for this. We did it to keep you alive. :'''Jennifer''': You didn't keep Thomas alive, did you? :'''Helen''': Oh, God, Jennifer, don't you think that I know that? :'''Jennifer''': They took him away. :'''Helen''': I am begging you, please, please, please. :'''Jennifer''': They poisoned him! :'''Helen''': Don't, don't do this. :'''Jennifer''': He was my brother! I loved him too! Ye- I know how you must see us, but everything we have was bought with other people's lives. :'''Helen''': You were our children. Our babies. :'''Jennifer''': How many were there? In America? In Europe, in Africa, how many? :'''Helen''': I-I don't - I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': And they're gonna do it all over again, aren't they? And Daddy's gonna be in charge, isn't he? :'''Helen''': I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': I don't ever want to be like you. :'''Helen''': You shouldn't have to be. ''[Jennifer storms out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has agreed to join the Ninkyo Dantai Yakuza to save his son, and is seeing him off on a trawler bound for Japan]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': ''[tries to talk to Toru but sees Yakuza man in earshot]'' Tell me, in the ''gokudo'', do I outrank you? :'''Yakuza member''': Yes, ''saiko-komon''. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Then go away. ''[man leaves. to Toru]'' There are things that must be said. :'''Toru Kido''': You don't have to- :'''Takeshi''': I have failed you as a father. The first duty of a parent is to protect his child. :'''Toru''': Stop. :'''Takeshi''': Let me finish. I never showed my true affection for you. I have so many regrets. I can only say that you will always be my son. :'''Toru''': Come home with me. The invasion will begin soon. :'''Takeshi''': There is no going back. I have much to atone for, and I must start here. :'''Toru''': ''[in Japanese] Goodbye, father. [boards ship. As the ship leaves, Toru salutes his father one last time]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith admits being contacted by the Resistance and John confirms the existence of another Thomas]'' :'''Helen Smith''': This, this portal you're talking about I-I mean, what? :'''John Smith''': You've seen it yourself, Helen. You've seen the movies. Well, I've been there. He's alive. :'''Helen''': I have had that fantasy so many times, but it's just that, John, it's a fantasy. :'''John''': No. :'''Helen''': He's not - :'''John''': ''[sits down and clasps her hands]'' I've seen him. Helen, I've seen our beautiful boy. He's real. He's real as you and me. I want you to - I want you to have the same thing I had, Helen, I want you to see him yourself. :'''Helen''': ''[emotional]'' Well, of course I want that, but - :'''John''': He's not sick, he's healthy, he's strong. He's doing so well. He's - There is a [[Vietnam War|war]], and he has enlisted. He is so much like our Thomas. :'''Helen''': Uh, but he's-he's not. He's not our Thomas. :'''John''': I can see what's gonna happen. Helen, he's gonna die all over again unless we do something. We can save him. :'''Helen''': How? :'''John''': We can bring him home. :'''Helen''': ''[surprised at the idea]'' You want to bring this boy here? As what, as a-a prisoner? :'''John''': Now, I've struggled with that. I know it's not gonna be easy, but, uh, I don't think we have any choice. I can't lose him again. He's gonna hate us, but he's gonna be alive, and I can live with that. :'''Helen''': Well, I can't, I can't. I can't live with that. :'''John''': When you see him again, you're gonna change your mind. :'''Helen''': No. ''[stands up]'' :'''John''': Helen - :'''Helen''': No, No! Thomas is dead. Amy isn't ours anymore. Her mind belongs to the state, and Jennifer, well, Jennifer has rejected us. We had three chances and we wasted them all. :'''John''': That-that's where you're wrong, Helen. :'''Helen''': If there is a better version of me out there somewhere, I want her to have my son, because you and I, we don't deserve to have a child. :'''John''': You're saying you have a chance to see your son again and you're not gonna take it? :'''Helen''': I wouldn't want him to see what we have become. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana chances upon John Smith at a clifftop just outside the Poconos portal base]'' :'''John Smith''': ''[sees Juliana]'' There you are. We've seen things... you and me. Other worlds. Other lives. We, we have that in common. It's unbearable. To be able to look through that door and glimpse all the people you could have been. And to know that out of all of them, this is the one you became. ''[commits suicide]'' == Cast == * [[w:Alexa Davalos|Alexa Davalos]] — Juliana Crain * [[w:Rufus Sewell|Rufus Sewell]] — John Smith * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Hawthorne Aberndsen * [[w:Rupert Evans|Rupert Evans]] — Frank Frink * [[w:Luke Kleintank|Luke Kleintank]] — Joe Blake * [[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] — Ed McCarthy * [[w:Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa|Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa]] — Nobusuke Tagomi * [[w:Brennan Brown|Brennan Brown]] - Robert Childan * [[w:Joel de la Fuente|Joel de la Fuente]] — Chief Inspector Kido * [[w:Carsten Norgaard|Carsten Norgaard]] — Rudolph Wegener * [[w:Rick Worthy|Rick Worthy]] — Lemuel "Lem" Washington == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=1740299|title=The Man in the High Castle}} * [http://www.tv.com/shows/the-man-in-the-high-castle/ ''The Man in the High Castle''] at [[w:TV.com|TV.com]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Man in the High Castle, The}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Alternate history TV shows]] [[Category:Amazon shows]] [[Category:Nazis in television]] [[Category:Dystopian TV shows]] e7fxw48ah2dftkmkpvulwuw7kg3mvup 3155733 3155731 2022-08-18T01:53:34Z Eaglestorm 16205 /* Land o'Smiles [2.7] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Man in the High Castle (TV series)|The Man in the High Castle]]''''' (2015–2019) is an American dystopian alternative history television series, released by [[w:Amazon Video|Amazon Video]], loosely based on the [[w:The Man in the High Castle|1962 novel]] of the same name by American science fiction author [[Philip K. Dick]]. The story is an alternative history of the world in which the [[w:Hypothetical Axis victory in World War II|Axis powers won World War II]]. The former United States has been partitioned into three sections: the Japanese Pacific States, which mostly comprises the West Coast; the American Reich, a Nazi puppet state that encompasses the eastern half plus some Midwest states; and a Neutral Zone of parts of former US states in the Rocky Mountains. == Season 1 == === ''The New World'' [1.01] === :''[Don Warren talks to Joe Blake about working at the shop]'' :'''Don Warren''': You know what those brownshirts out there would do if they caught you? ''[referring to SD officers in security camera footage]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm not afraid to die. :'''Don Warren''': Me, either. Might be a relief, actually. But how you feel about pain? :'''Joe Blake''': Pain? :'''Don Warren''': Yeah. When they're plucking your fingernails out one by one, or they're cracking your balls open like walnuts. That's when maybe you stop caring about what your old man said and tell Johnny Jackboot out there my name, or just about anything else he wants. :'''Joe Blake''': You're so afraid, why are you here? :'''Don Warren''': I fought in the war, kid. I saw my buddies' brains get blown out on Virginia Beach. You... You're just a punk who could get me caught. :'''Joe Blake''': Yeah, I guess I'm afraid of pain. I don't have any buddies who died in the war. I don't really know what freedom is. But I'm not a punk and I'm not a spy, Mr. Warren. I'm here because I want to do the right thing. So you gonna give me the job or not? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Blake asks about the police officer's tattoo of a knife through a flower]'' :'''Police officer''': Oh? A soldier so fierce he’d kill a rose. :'''Joe Blake''': That was you? :'''Police officer''': A long time ago. We lost the war didn’t we? Now I can’t even remember what we were fighting for. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[noticing ashes falling like snowflakes]'' What is that? :'''Police Officer''': Oh, that's the hospital. :'''Blake''': The hospital? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, Tuesdays, they burn cripples...the terminally ill. Drag on the state. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frank Frink''': Hey, what ''is'' this? :'''Juliana Crain''': It's newsreel film. :'''Frink''': Yeah, I see that. :'''Crain''': It shows us winning the war. :'''Frink''': But we didn't win the war. :'''Crain''': That's what they told us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[on the phone]'' Hey, it's me. :'''John Smith''': How was your journey? :'''Blake''': No one stopped me. :'''Smith''': Then your cover's intact. I'll tell your father, Joe. I know he'll be very proud. :'''Blake''': Thank you, ''Obergruppenfuhrer''. I hope so. :'''Smith''': Heil Hitler. :'''Blake''': Heil Hitler. === ''Sunrise'' [1.02] === :''[Over breakfast, John Smith talks to Thomas about a certain bully in school and why Thomas is studying at the table]'' :'''John Smith''': Why do you want to succeed, son? Why do you want to do well in school? :'''Thomas Smith''': To make my family proud. To bring honor to my school. To serve my country. :'''John''': Your goals are directed outward. A boy like Randolph wants only to gratify himself. This is the path to moral decay. The decadence ruined this country before the war. You will grow to be a useful member of society. You will make our nation stronger. Randolph will not, whatever his test score. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': It takes a lot of effort not to be free-- keeping your head down, holding your tongue. <hr width=50%> :'''Lawrence''': We wipe them out, yet they keep coming back like lice. :'''John Smith''': Lice don't assassinate Nazi officers. :'''Lawrence''': I only meant-- :'''Smith''': It may reassure you to liken terrorists to insects, but they inflicted great damage on us today. Never underestimate them. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': This ends only when people like us refuse to obey, no matter the cost. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank Frink''': I-- I'm free to go? I am free to go? :'''Kido''': You have suffered enough, and I am not a monster. :'''Frink''': If you ever need any more Jews to kill, you know where to find me. :'''Kido''': Yes. I do. === ''The Illustrated Woman'' [1.03] === :'''The Marshal''': What is that smell in here? How would you describe it? :'''Carl''': I couldn't say. :'''The Marshal''': Hmm. You couldn't say. You probably spend so much time in here, you don't notice. The old books. They got the stink of their owner. Cigarettes and coffee, cat piss, smell of decay. <hr width=50%> :''[The Japanese Crown Princess sees the Crown Prince looking disturbed]'' :'''[[w:Empress Michiko|Crown Princess]]''': What is troubling, you my prince? :'''[[w:Akihito|Crown Prince]]''': This visit is false. We are false. :'''Crown Princess''': How false? Your father is the Emperor. As one day you shall be. :'''Crown Prince''': My father allowed his generals to use his throne as a shield for their ambition. We merely preside over its undoing. :'''Crown Princess''': Surely it is not so bad as that. :'''Crown Prince''': ''[sternly at her]'' I'm worried about the Nazis. Don't you see? We travel on ocean liners, they travel on rocket ships. A stark difference in technology. We are but an island nation losing our grip on our colonies while the Nazis tighten theirs. === ''Revelations'' [1.04] === :'''Juliana Crain''': Have you seen the films? :'''Lem Washington''': It's not my job to see them. I just pass them along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Juliana Crain''': I'm not here to kill Nazis. I'm here because I need answers, and I'm not leaving until I get them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Frink is dealing with antique shop owner Robert Childan, who's not too pleased that Frink just scared off a Japanese couple]'' :'''Frank Frink''': ''[given three rounds for his Colt45 revolver]'' Only three? :'''Robert Childan''': This is an antique store, not an armory, and I can't guarantee they'll fire. They're 100 yen apiece. :'''Frink''': ''[gives yen notes]'' 300. ''[sees Childan write in a logbook]'' What is that? :'''Childan''': I'm required by law to keep a registry of all sales of restricted items. So these bullets were purchased by Mr. Satoshi Matsuda, a collector on his way back to Tibet. But I will need to see your identity card on the chance I need to revisit this matter with you, and that is non-negotiable. :'''Frink''': All right, all right. Come on. :'''Childan''': I suggest you work on your patience, Mr. Frink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Japanese Crown Prince graces the crowd, with an American interpreter close by]'' :'''Crown Prince of Japan''': Greetings, loyal subjects. Honored guests from the Nazi Reich. And people of the American Territories, or, as they like to say here...Howdy. ''[crowd laughs at the greeting]'' All those who fought in the Great War believed they fought on the side of righteousness, that the world they sought to build would be a better one. But men are mortal and imperfect. They see the world as they wish to see it, through the looking glass of their limited perspective. === ''The New Normal'' [1.05] === :''[John Smith has browbeaten Joe Blake over the failure of his Canon City mission]'' :'''John Smith''': Do you know why you failed? You are one component in a complex machine that only works if every part does exactly what it's supposed to do in sync with the whole. Now, if you decide, without knowing what the other components are doing, to simply go your own way, eventually that machine is going to break down. Don't ever disobey a direct order from me again, Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido visits Trade Minister Tagomi]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Ah. Inspector, please. ''[ushers to seats]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': No, thank you, Trade Minister. I will not stay long. :'''Tagomi''': I appreciate you coming at such a busy time. :'''Kido''': What could we not discuss on the telephone? :'''Tagomi''': I felt it correct to speak in person. Guests of the Ministry have asked when their passports would be returned. I assured them I would inquire. :'''Kido''': As soon as their identities are verified and their reasons for being in the Pacific States, all of their documents will be returned. :'''Tagomi''': How long do you estimate it will take? :'''Kido''': I offer no estimate. You met with a foreign visitor at his hotel this morning. :'''Tagomi''': I met with several guests. They're honorable businessmen, not assassins. Their time is valuable. :'''Kido''': All of our time is valuable. :'''Tagomi''': I understand what is at stake. :'''Kido''': Do you? :'''Tagomi''': I was with the Royal Couple. So yes, I believe I do. :'''Kido''': Then no doubt you will understand why I must disappoint you, Trade Minister. I am sorry, but in this instance there will be no exceptions. ''[bows and leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain tries to apply for work at the Japanese Authority office, but the personnel director, Mr Eto, thinks differently]'' :'''Mr Eto''': There may be a role you are suited to, subject to references, here in personnel. Alongside your other work, it would involve undertaking certain personal services as and when I require them. :'''Juliana Crain''': What kind of services? :'''Eto''': You wish to work here? :'''Crain''': Yes, sir. :'''Eto''': It is an honor for a girl like you to be employed here. :'''Crain''': I know that, sir. :'''Eto''': It is not for you to question your duties. You simply do. ''[tries to unzip his pants]'' Do you want the job or not? === ''Three Monkeys'' [1.06] === :''[Having been accepted to work in the Japanese Authority office, Juliana Crain is shown around by Tagomi's aide-de-camp Kotomichi]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Mr. Tagomi expects complete loyalty and discretion. You will not speak of anything you hear or see, and you will not leave this level without my express permission. This is a government building, Miss Crain, patrolled by armed soldiers. Do not go anywhere without prior authorization. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You find yourself a good woman Joe. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': And until then, find as many bad ones as possible. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You must trust the woman in your life, with your life, Joe! === ''Truth'' [1.07] === :''[Arnold Walker and Juliana Crain talk at a diner over why they are working at the Japanese Authority Building]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': What the hell do you think you're doing snooping around the Nippon Building? ''[to waiter]'' Two coffees, please. :'''Juliana Crain''': I could say the same to you. :'''Walker''': What choice do you think I had? I had a family to support. How do you think I kept all of you safe? I swallowed my pride, and I did what I had to do. Did you have any idea that your sister was involved with these insurgents? I heard her on the wire. So did all the other listeners. I had to throw myself on the mercy of...Our benevolent employers. I had to identify her. I told them she was a kid. I told them she was my kid. I mean, hell, I worked for them for 16 years. It's got to be worth something. :'''Crain''': Sixteen years? :'''Walker''': Did you know she had a film? :'''Crain''': She did. And now there's another one. :'''Walker''': Juliana, you listen to me very carefully. You cannot get involved in this. :'''Crain''': There's something different about this one, isn't there? :'''Walker''': I don't know what it is, but I can tell you they got us working around the clock trying to find it. They screamed at me so loud, I thought they were going to shoot us both. But everything I said checked out, so they let her and that idiot boyfriend of hers escape to the Neutral Zone. And thank God, Juliana, because if anything happened to Trudy...I'd be finished. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith talks to Joe Blake about his latest call to Juliana Crain]'' :'''John Smith''': You think she knows more about the film than she's saying? :'''Joe Blake''': Yes. Absolutely. Sorry. She just said it was different, sir. Different to the others. :'''Smith''': What's your feeling, Joe? Do you think that she can get to it on her own, using her contacts there? :'''Blake''': Maybe. I don't know. :'''Smith''': Perhaps you're going to have to help her. You're going on another trip, Joe, and you'd better hope you find that film. You call in every day. Tell me everyone you meet, every little detail, everything. No omissions, no mistakes. I noticed yesterday you were very good with my little girls. Is that because of... Buddy? ''[Blake is quiet at the other end of the line]'' Heil Hitler, hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robert Childan is not too pleased to see Frank Frink propose to him about selling fake antique guns]'' :'''Robert Childan''': I'm not an arms supplier, pal. I sell antiques, authentic items only, and fake guns aren't my thing. ''[has an idea]'' Tell me something, Frink-san, how good a craftsman are you? I mean, seriously, how good? :'''Frank Frink''': I'm good. Real good. :'''Childan''': Could you make this? ''[shows an issue of'' Collect Americana ''magazine with an image of [[Sitting Bull]]'s necklace]'' Because I've got a chump lined up to buy it. ''[Frink looks at the image]'' Japanese. Their brains are different. I'm sure they eat from English bone china, and they listen to Negro music, but it's all just on the surface, ersatz as the day is long. Condescending bastards look down on me. Here. Look at this. ''[shows Zippos]'' Two Zippo lighters. Yeah. Look the same, don't they? Go ahead, hold them. ''[Frink holds lighters]'' One of them has "historicity" in it. :'''Frink''': What the fuck is that? :'''Childan''': It's worth 100,000 yen on a collector's market. Don't you feel it? :'''Frink''': 100,000? :'''Childan''': One of those two Zippo lighters was in Franklin D. Roosevelt's pocket the day he was assassinated, so it's got historicity as much as any object ever had. And the other one has nothing. :'''Frink''': That's your point? It's all a giant racket? :'''Childan''': And they're playing it on themselves. I mean, a gun goes through a famous battle, and it's just the same as if it hadn't unless you know. It's all in here, ''[points to nape]'' in the mind. So who's to say our jeweled choker isn't Sitting Bull's original? :'''Frink''': All right, so which one is it? :'''Childan''': This one. :'''Frink''': Won't he spot that it's a fake? :'''Childan''': The man's already got a forgery in his esteemed collection: pistol aged by an acid chemical. He can't distinguish what's fake from what's real. :'''Frink''': Let's screw him over. 80,000 yen split two ways. :'''Childan''': Just make sure it looks good enough. :'''Frink''': 60-40. I got materials to cover. === ''End of the World'' [1.08] === :''[John Smith talks to Dr Adler at his office over Thomas' latest consultation]'' :'''Dr Adler''': Um... this, um... this won't be easy for you to hear. Thomas didn't just pull a muscle wrestling, ''Obergruppenführer''. He had a tremor. :'''John Smith''': A tremor? :'''Adler''': I wish I could tell you that it was just growing pains, but your son has a serious disease. [[w:Facioscapulohumeral_muscular_dystrophy|Landouzy-Dejerine syndrome]]. The symptoms, vague at first, are loss of coordination, weakness in the arms, difficulty hearing... :'''Smith''': That's... That's nonsense. My son is the picture of health. :'''Adler''': I'm afraid he isn't. Within months, perhaps a year, there will be paralysis. :'''Smith''': That's a mistake, doctor. You're making a mistake. :'''Adler''': I would never tell you this were I not certain. He scored 10 out of 10 on the indicators in the [[w:Rudolf_Brandt|Brandt]]-[[w:Wolfram_Sievers|Sievers]] nerve test. :'''Smith''': Okay. So what's the... What's the treatment? :'''Adler''': ''Obergruppenführer'', we're talking about a Class A congenital disorder. There is no treatment. :'''Smith''': What do you mean, there is no treatment? No, I'm not accepting that, no. There's got to be some other tests you can run. I want a second opinion. :'''Adler''': You have the option, but you should be aware that if he is submitted to others for examination, this becomes an institutional issue. :'''Smith''': Oh, I see. :'''Adler''': Yes, of course. By virtue of your position, I feel what must be done can be done in the kinder setting of your home. I will hold your son's file outside the system, give you the time you need. As for, uh, medical assistance... ''[opens case]'' a syringe and an ampule of an effective combination: morphine, scopolamine, and Prussic acid. Absolutely painless. If you like, I can show you how to locate a vein in the back of the hand. === ''Kindness'' [1.09] === :''[Reinhard Heydrich visits Rudolph Wegener at his suite]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': Colonel. You look rested. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': Hardly. :'''Heydrich''': You've had time to reflect on your situation. :'''Wegener''': I have. This is a list of names, not just my wife and children, but her father and the rest of her family. :'''Heydrich''': Ten lives in exchange for yours. :'''Wegener''': That's the deal. :'''Heydrich''': You need not worry, Colonel. Come. You have a rocket to board. :'''Wegener''': Where am I going? :'''Heydrich''': Berlin. :'''Wegener''': What is it you expect me to do there? :'''Heydrich''': I thought it was obvious, Colonel. The Führer is old and ill, standing in the way of the empire he built. :'''Wegener''': Am I meant to talk to him? :'''Heydrich''': No, Colonel Wegener. You're meant to ''kill him''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith sees Heydrich talking to his family]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': The duty of maintaining order is never as thrilling as the challenge of establishing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yakuza'' oyabun ''Taishi Okamura meets Chief Insp Kido]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': We are looking for the man who killed your guards, but I assume that's not why you asked me here. :'''Taishi Okamura''': You impounded heroin at the docks this afternoon. Am I to conclude that this was in retaliation? :'''Kido''': You may conclude as you wish. :'''Okamura''': Such behavior is futile, Chief Inspector. The Yakuza cannot be destroyed any more than the sun can destroy the shade. This has been understood in our homeland for centuries. I cannot destroy the shadows you cast, but I can and will contain it. :'''Kido''': That is my duty. :'''Okamura''': Just as it is your duty to arrest the man who shot the Crown Prince. I'm told if you do not make an arrest by tomorrow, Tokyo demands that you commit seppuku. :'''Kido''': No one need remind me of my duty. I have a suspect close at hand. :'''Okamura''': You mean that ''hakujin''? The one who works in the replica factory? The real assassin fired from a clock tower with a sniper's rifle. Your so-called inconclusive ballistics report told you as much. :'''Kido''': What's your point? :'''Okamura''': I believe you have pursued a false suspect to disguise a truth you have known from the start - that the assassin is a Nazi agent. If it were known that a Nazi fired at our Prince, that would be an act of war, a war many in the Reich would be happy to see but one our empire would almost certainly lose. :'''Kido''': I do not deny your accusation, nor will I confirm it. :'''Okamura''': I don't need you to, Chief Inspector. You see, I have the name of the assassin, the real assassin. :'''Kido''': Name your price. :'''Okamura''': My price cannot be paid with money, Chief Inspector, but it is very, very high. === ''A Way Out'' [1.10] === :''[Chief Inspector Kido and Sgt Yoshida police the room of the now-dead SS sniper pinned in the Crown Prince assassination]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Go through his desk. Anything official must be destroyed. :'''Hiroyuki Yoshida''': I do not understand, sir. :'''Kido''': I think you do, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': What is this man's crime? :'''Kido''': The shooting of the Crown Prince. :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' But we've been pursuing Frank Frink. :'''Kido''': The witness said Frank never discharged his weapon. :'''Yoshida''': Then why not arrest and interrogate this man? :'''Kido''': Because that is exactly what the Nazis would want us to do. There'd be war. A war that currently our Empire cannot win. Nobody must ever know about this, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': But if Frink is gone and we cannot report the capture of the real assassin, how can Tokyo be satisfied? :'''Kido''': Whatever sacrifice is necessary. That is my burden alone, and I shall carry it. Yours is to remain silent and to act as my ''Kaishaku-nin''. Now do you understand, Yoshida-san? :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' :'''Kido''': The desk. ''[Yoshida works on it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener talks to his children one more time with his ex-wife Katharina present]'' :'''Rudolph Wegener''': ''[in German, as he embraces and carries Otto]'' It is far from easy to be a good man. In fact, as one gets older, it becomes more and more difficult to know... what a good man is. Yet it also becomes increasingly important... ''[looks at Katharina]'' to at least try. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reinhard Heydrich and his adjutant trap John Smith at a log cabin]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': ''[as he prepares coffee]'' What is the power of the films? Do you know why the Führer prizes them so highly? :'''John Smith''': You'd have to address any questions on that subject to the Führer himself. :'''Heydrich''': The Führer is a spent force, John. We both know that. I don't believe for a second that sharing the land of your birth with the Japanese sits well with you. :'''Smith''': I'm sure the Führer has his reasons. :'''Heydrich''': Loyalty is an overrated virtue, John, championed by the bovine, dignified by the weak to justify their weakness. It's certainly not worthy of you. :'''Smith''': Neither is betrayal. :'''Heydrich''': Ultimately, John, we owe our hearts and our minds not to any one man but to an idea, and that idea is under threat. It is up to the best of us to step forward now as both the Führer and nature demands. The strong must overcome the weak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener comes face-to-face with Adolf Hitler, and has a pistol pointed at him]'' :'''Adolf Hitler''': I know Heydrich sent you to kill me ''[faces Wegener]'' and I don't believe that you are capable of doing it. Of killing anyone, ever again. You were lost, Rudolph, the moment you lost faith in the Reich. Not to me, but to yourself. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': I was lost the moment I committed evil in your name. :'''Hitler''': Killing me might reconcile you with your past, but it will also prompt the people who sent you to attack Japan immediately. You must take responsibility for the one, or the other. :'''Wegener''': I know that the sins are my own. :'''Hitler''': Your only sin is your weakness, but you can still choose to die honorably. You will spare Otto and Klaudia your shame, and I will spare their lives. :'''Wegener''': ''[shaken at Hitler's stipulation]'' God forgive me. == Season 2 == ===''The Tiger's Cave'' [2.1]=== :''[General Onoda addresses fellow Japanese officials]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': Today we enter the tiger's cave. We enter it because two weeks ago, Science Minister Shimura found a capsule in his pocket, and inside the capsule was microfilm smuggled from the Reich Research Council in Berlin. The contents of the microfilm has been confirmed. At long last, we, too, possess the data to build a Heisenberg device. When it is completed, the device must be in range of North American Nazi targets ''[Tagomi tries to listen but temporarily clams up]'' of New York City. This is our moment. We must not hesitate to seize it. <hr width=50%> :''[Hawthorne Aberndsen tries to explain to Juliana the nature of his movies]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': Each one of these films show a reality like ours, but not ours. ... Some of us are just the same. Rotten or kind in one reality, rotten or kind in the next, but most people are different, depending on whether they have food in their belly or they're hungry, safe or scared. So you watch these films. You tell the Resistance what you learn about the people you see and the things. Things that could happen here, too. That's why... That's why the Nazis want these films. Not the Nazis, just old Adolf. That demented bastard's too paranoid to let anyone else see them. <hr width=50%> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi calls up the Wegener household]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Hello. Is that Mrs. Wegener? :'''Katharina Wegener''': Who is this? :'''Tagomi''': This is Tagomi Nobusuke. I met the colonel last year in Stockholm at a trade convention. Would it be possible to speak to him? :'''Wegener''': ''[German]'' My husband... is dead. He ''[cries]'' :'''Tagomi''': Mm... May I ask what happened? :'''Wegener''': They say he shot himself. He was a traitor. :'''Tagomi''': You must know. Your husband died trying to make the world a better place. :'''Wegener''': And did he? Trying is not enough, is it? ''[hangs up]'' ===''The Road Less Traveled'' [2.2]=== :''[Joe Blake appears at a construction site]'' :'''Site Manager''': Well, look what the wind blew in. :'''Joe Blake''': Look, I'm sorry to show up like this, sir, but... things took a little longer than I thought. :'''Site Manager''': Last funeral I went to, the whole thing lasted about an hour. You've been gone best part of three weeks. :'''Blake''': Right. I'm sorry, sir. I'm here now. :'''Site Manager''': And you expected me to keep the forklift open? :'''Blake''': No, not expected, sir. Hoped. :'''Site Manager''': Who the hell do you think you are, Blake? :'''Blake''': I don't think I'm anybody, sir. I just want to show up and do an honest day's work, if you'll let me. :'''Site Manager''': Well, you want to grab a sledgehammer and break concrete, I guess that'll be okay. That honest enough for you? :'''Blake''': Thank you, sir. ''[starts working]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink reads a letter Juliana just left for him]'' :'''Juliana Crain''': Dear Frank, I don't even know if this letter will reach you, but if you are reading this, I'm begging you, please get out of the city now. You might know already that I didn't follow the plan. But I am leaving town now. One day I hope I'll get the chance to explain everything and that you'll understand. You're the kindest, most generous man I've ever met, Frank. I'd given up on everyone and everything, and you put me back on my feet. You brought me back to life one step at a time. Frank. It's okay. I want you to know that my feelings for you were and always will be more real than anything I've ever known. Whatever happens, I don't believe our fate is inevitable. And you shouldn't, either. I don't know if we can change it, but I believe we have to try. You'll always be with me, Frank, and I hope I'll always be with you. ===''Travelers'' [2.3]=== :''[Helen Smith introduces Juliana Crain/Julia Mills to her apartment]'' :'''Helen Smith''': It's cute, isn't it? You're lucky to get one of the singles. Most of the other girls have to share an apartment. :'''Juliana Crain/Julia Mills''': Other girls? :'''Smith''': This is a dormitory for single women. Would you like tea? I made some. :'''Mills''': Yes. Thanks. That's very kind. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': How many other girls live here? :'''Smith''': Uh, there's space for 20 or 30, but I'm not sure how many are here now. Oh. We've thrown some things into the closet for you. There wasn't much time, so I hope they fit. And you'll find some make-up in the bathroom. :'''Mills''': Wow. This is so much more than I could have hoped for. :'''Smith''': Well, it's hard work to... Once you get settled, you'll be expected to join some of the neighborhood committees and the Nazi Women's League. But first you have to pass the ACT. :'''Mills''': What is the ACT? :'''Smith''': The Auxiliary Citizenship Test. That gives you the right to stay in the Reich permanently. You must be exhausted after everything you've been through. :'''Mills''': I am a little. :'''Smith''': Why don't you come by the house tomorrow? Say, 10:00. We can have coffee and get to know each other. :'''Mills''': All right. :'''Smith''': Okay. We're at 5026 Roxboro. I have left a tuna casserole in the fridge for you. But there's a grocer over on von Braun Street if you need anything else. You'll find 50 marks and some change in the desk drawer there. :'''Mills''': You thought of everything. I don't know what to say. :'''Smith''': Well, that's just it. You don't have to say anything.... See, now you're some place where good people actually look out for one another. I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Mills''': Okay. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': Thanks. ''[as Helen goes for the door]'' Wait. What about the key? :'''Smith''': Oh, there isn't one. No one locks their doors around here. <hr width=50%> :''[At a party Reichsminister Heusmann is hosting, Joe Blake is not too pleased at an [[w:Abwehr|Abwehr]] officer casually talking to him about his Pacific States mission]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm going home. :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': What happened? :'''Blake''': One of your guests reminded me of who I am and who I'm not. :'''Heusmann''': I don't understand. :'''Blake''': You wouldn't. But I've seen the blood that pays for this champagne. And if you think for a second that it's going to make me forget what you did to my mother... She died poor, by the way. :'''Heusmann''': Josef, I'm not asking you to forget anything. I get it. It was war. You were here. :'''Blake''': We were there. :'''Heusmann''': There's more to the story, son. :'''Blake''': I don't care anymore. :'''Heusmann''': Please. Please stay. :'''Blake''': Is that an order, Reichsminister? Whatever it is you need to tell me to clear your conscience, I don't want to hear it. ===''Escalation'' [2.4]=== :''[Thomas Smith guides Juliana Crain/Julia Mills with reviewing for the Auxiliary Citizenship Test]'' :'''Thomas Smith''': The ACT is made of three parts: Reading, writing, and civics. :'''Juliana Crain''': Okay. I got two out of three. :'''Smith''': Straight to civics, then. First question: From where does justice derive? :'''Crain''': The Reich. :'''Smith''': Yes, but more specifically. :'''Crain''': The Fuhrer? :'''Smith''': Very good. Justice is a divine right guaranteed for all and determined by the Führer, from whom all justice derives. ''[tries to drink milk but is visibly shaken]'' :'''Crain''': Thomas? You all right? :'''Smith''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Next question is about American exterminations before the Reich. :'''Crain''': Exterminations? :'''Smith''': Didn't they ever teach you about the [[w:American Indian Wars|Indians]]? <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink brings up the [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar concentration camp]] with camp survivor Sarah Murakami]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Why didn't you tell me about it? :'''Sarah Murakami''': It's just a patch of dirt, really. About ten hours from here. We were relocated there by the U.S. Army. My family and thousands of other Japanese people. American citizens suddenly considered enemy aliens. My dad said, "Sara, one fine day, they'll win, and they'll open that gate." He meant the Japanese Empire. And one fine day, they did win. :'''Frink''': One fine day for you. :'''Murakami''': Yeah. They won. But they looked at us, an all they could see was that we left Japan. We weren't Americans, but we weren't Japanese, either. We were...''hangyakunin''. :'''Frink''': Yeah, traitors. So you hate the Americans. You hate the Pons. Who are you fighting for? :'''Murakami''': I don't hate anyone. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith sees Helen looking distressed]'' :'''Helen Smith''': You know I spent the whole afternoon with Alice. :'''John Smith''': Yeah, you said. She must be... devastated. :'''Helen''': She is. She's devastated. John, I'm going to ask you a question, and I need for you to tell me the truth. :'''John''': Helen. Don't. :'''Helen''': ''[realizes from the tone]'' John, what have you done? :'''John''': Don't ask me any more. :'''Helen''': But wh-why? :'''John''': Look at me. All you need to know is everything I do... everything... I do it for the family, to keep our children safe. :'''Helen''': For the family? Our son is ill. I knew that there was something. :'''John''': Gerry was going to report him. :'''Helen''': But that is no reason for you to... :'''John''': There's no cure. There's no cure. ===''Duck and Cover'' [2.5]=== :''[Frank Frink and Gary Connell visit a gathering in the California forest]'' :'''Frank Frink''': What is this? :'''Gary Connell''': It's a memorial... for Karen. There are people here from the state of Washington, Baja, the Salt Lake. Come on. :'''Man''': As we gather tonight, we remember that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit. Remember too, that we are of good courage and would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord surrounded by the loved ones who went before us. Of course, the Lord can see Karen, even though we cannot. For precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. So let us lay this saint to rest. And let us not linger, children, for the wolves will soon be upon our door. <hr width=50%> :''[Lemuel Washington picks up Hawthorne Aberndsen]'' :'''Lemuel Washington''': You about ready to go, Mr. A? :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': There's a stack inside. Would you bring it out for me, please? :'''Washington''': Don't want to get that nice suit all rumpled up, huh? :'''Aberndsen''': Mm-mm. :'''Washington''': ''[as he picks up a stash of films and puts in the truck]'' There's a... There's a strong smell inside. :'''Aberndsen''': You noticed. :'''Washington''': Like gas. :'''Aberndsen''': That's the smell of leaving, Lem, the smell of moving on. :'''Washington''': What about the rest of them? :'''Aberndsen''': Nothing like a good spring cleaning. ''[lights match that burns down his hideout]'' ===''Kintsugi'' [2.6]=== :''[Helen Smith is uneasy over Thomas being called up for a Hitler Youth trip to South America]'' :'''Helen Smith''': He's not going, John. I will not allow it. I stop breathing the moment Thomas walks out that front door, and I only start again when he is back home. :'''John Smith''': You want to let him go to South America? Helen... :'''Helen''': He will be found out, and you know what that means. :'''John''': Okay. Sit down. Helen, sit down, please. We are going to let him go. Thomas will fly to Buenos Aires, all right? And from there, he's going to travel to meet the others on his expedition, but he's not going to make the rendezvous because, somewhere in the foothills of the Andes, he's going to be kidnapped by Semites. :'''Helen''': You did this. :'''John''': Now, this is going to look like, to the rest of the world, a terrorist act on a high-profile target, but Thomas, he's going to be okay. He'll be safe. :'''Helen''': In South America? :'''John''': He could live for decades, Helen. This way, he's going to be comfortable. He's going to be safe. No one's going to be able to reach him. :'''Helen''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I will personally spearhead the search for him and for his kidnappers. Now, you, of course, will be bereft, as will I, and publicly we'll never give up trying to bring our son home. But ultimately, Helen...we will fail. Now, if you have any questions, you have to ask me now... because, I'm afraid, once you've left this room, we must never talk about this again. :'''Helen''': Will I ever see him again? :'''John''': Maybe, one day. When and if it is safe. It's the only way, Helen. <hr width=50%> :''[In the alternate 1962, its version of Noriyuke Tagomi talks to Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Noriyuke "Nori" Tagomi''': Dad, you know who puts their faith in things like Yarrow Stalks and the i Ching? It's people who don't want to take responsibility for the choices that they've made. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': You're wrong. I take responsibility. :'''Nori''': You need to let Mom move on with her life. You need to sign the papers. :'''Nobusuke''': That is not your business. :'''Nori''': Mom is too polite to say it herself. ===''Land o'Smiles'' [2.7]=== :''[John Smith eulogizes Dr Adler]'' :'''John Smith''': Orator Hanley did ask me to say a few words. ''[clears throat]'' On the subject of Gerry's professional diligence. Uh...but I decided to go another way. When I sat down to think about what I wanted to say about Gerry Adler, I realized it all came down to one thing. The family. Gerry... Gerry was a family man. And I don't just mean his intense pride in his two fine boys and his beautiful wife. Nor am I talking about the fact that, through his work as a doctor, he... He came to be a part of all of our families. No, What I mean is that a man is only ever as strong as the people around him: the community he serves and the family he is sworn to protect. Whatever strength he has, he draws from them. And for them, he must be prepared to give everything. His life for his blood... Or else... Or else everything he has done has been for nothing. He is nothing. Now, if you'll please stand and join me in singing "''[[w:Ich_hatt'_einen_Kameraden|Der gute Kamerad]]''." <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda visits Takeshi Kido]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': I require an explanation for what transpired today. :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': ''Hai, Kakka.'' Taishi Okamura was a traitor. He was Yakuza. And exploiting his position to spy for the Nazis against the Empire. :'''Onoda''': You have evidence of this? :'''Kido''': ''Hai.'' I would not have acted without it. Nor without placing your family in protective custody. :'''Onoda''': I should have been informed at the same time you made those arrangements. :'''Kido''': I apologize, but I had to act quickly. :'''Onoda''': I fear you have been here too long, Kido-''tai'i. [imitating cowboys shooting]'' Too many Westerns. ''[chuckling]'' We have nothing to learn from the ''gaijin''. I admire your decisiveness, particularly in sensitive situations, as with the attempt on the life of His Highness. I will ensure the clan is aware of Okamura's treachery, but hierarchy must be respected. :'''Kido''': Unquestioningly. :'''Onoda''': So... now I know everything? :'''Kido''': ''[bows] Hai, Kakka. [Onoda leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and Juliana Crain/Julia Mills share a toast but talk about Thomas' near-seizure at the funeral]'' :'''Helen Smith''': Thank you for your help today. :'''Juliana Crain''': I was... glad to be a part of it. It's quite something, seeing everyone pull together like that. :'''Smith''': Well, like I told you, this is a place where people look out for each other. ''[serious tone]'' Julia, I don't want there to be any confusion between us. What happened at the church today with Thomas, I don't know what you think you saw, but you're new here and I wanted to make sure you understand how important it is not to jump to any conclusions... because it could be dangerous. :'''Crain''': Helen, what I saw today was a sweet boy... who's been overexerting himself, becoming emotional at the funeral of a close family friend. No confusion. :'''Smith''': Let's drink to that. ===''Loose Lips'' [2.8]=== :''[Joe Blake and Reichsminister Martin Heusmann enter Adolf Hitler's office, but Hitler is nowhere to be found]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Where's the Führer? :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': The Führer... is in a coma. The doctors say it is unlikely he will recover. Until the Party meets and selects his successor, the Führer had ordered that I be named acting chancellor. Trust me, it's not an honor anyone would want, Josef. :'''Blake''': I don't understand. :'''Heusmann''': You see, this has happened before. Once the Führer was unwell, and for a time it was thought as he would die, so Reichsmarshall Göring declared himself acting chancellor. :'''Blake''': I never heard about that. :'''Heusmann''': That's because Hitler had Göring shot, along with his entire family. :'''Blake''': ''[sighs]'' This is different, right? He chose you. :'''Heusmann''': Yes. And because I've been chosen, I must do my duty. :'''Blake''': Well, why? You're an engineer. :'''Heusmann''': An engineer. Exactly, and therefore not a threat, unlike Himmler and the others who would kill for this, and very well might, whether the Führer recovers or not. I will be held directly responsible for everything that is bound to go wrong in the days ahead. :'''Blake''': Or maybe they'll thank you. :'''Heusmann''': Ah, the American in you remains so optimistic... ''[puts hand on Blake's shoulder]'' and naïve, Josef. I want you to go back there. :'''Blake''': What? :'''Heusmann''': Return to New York today. It is no longer safe for you here. <hr width=50%> :''[Arnold Walker has just come to Childan's shop and asked Frank Frink to get out of San Francisco immediately and when Frink asks why...]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': Frank, Hitler is dying, and when he goes, there's going to be a Resistance uprising, not to mention a very good chance that this entire city's going to be wiped off the planet - :'''Frank Frink''': - by an A bomb. :'''Walker''': Who told you that? :'''Frink''': You don't think I'm crazy? Who, Arnold? :'''Walker''': Juliana. She called me. :'''Frink''': Ju... But how did she... Yeah. Yeah, her Nazi boyfriend. :'''Walker''': Hold on. Wait a minute. Frank. She is in the Reich, but she's not with the Nazis. She's working with the Resistance. :'''Frink''': No, she's lying to you, Arnold. She's been lying... :'''Walker''': It did not come from her, Frank. It came from an old war buddy of mine and the kind of guy who would give up his life for you. He wouldn't lie. :'''Frink''': And did he know about your day job? :'''Walker''': All right. ''[scoffs at being called out over his former Kempeitai job]'' Frank, that's fair. ''[walks around then faces him]'' I wouldn't expect you to understand what I did for my family, but ''do not'' call my daughter a liar! She never betrayed you. She never betrayed any of us. And I'm here today because she asked me to come and tell you and Ed to get the hell out of this city... because she still cares about you. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith and Erich Raeder visit [[Reinhard Heydrich]] at his cell as an alarm rings]'' :'''Erich Raeder''': ''[as guards release Heydrich's restraints] Oberstgruppenführer,'' if you will please get dressed, we must evacuate you immediately. :'''John Smith''': ''[enters cell]'' Please forgive our hastiness, ''Oberstgruppenführer''. We don't afford to take chances with your safety at a time like this. ''[pause]'' Reinhard, I don't speak for myself. :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': What is this? :'''Smith''': Please. Please hear me out. I know it's too late for me. I accept that. But I ask you to bear in mind that I was just a soldier... a loyal soldier... doing his duty. :'''Heydrich''': Am I to believe the Führer is dead? :'''Smith''': I ask you one thing. Will you give me your word that you will spare Helen and the children? :'''Heydrich''': How do I know this is not a deception? :'''Smith''': I wish it were. One hour ago, San Francisco was flattened with an atomic blast. ''[Heydrich looks sad]'' I won't presume to tell you the details, but our invasion of the Pacific States is underway. And then I receive an order from Berlin demanding your immediate release. You won, Reinhard. You won. :'''Heydrich''': ''[sniffles but face gets smug]'' You had your chance, John, and now you are on the wrong side of history. When the Japanese are eradicated, we will have a better world. A world, sadly, you will now never see. :'''Smith''': Do I have your word that you will spare my family? :'''Heydrich''': That is up to the new Führer. :'''Smith''': It's not you? :'''Heydrich''': ''[shakes head]'' No. It is someone with a much grander vision. ''[stands erect and gives Nazi salute]'' Heil Heusmann! ''[laughs hard]'' :'''Smith''': Reinhard? :'''Heydrich''': Yes, John? :'''Smith''': Thank you. ''[Raeder kills Heydrich]'' ===''Detonation'' [2.9]=== :''[A man comes before the Greater Reich News Service cameras]'' :'''Man''': ''[reads script]'' My name is Henry Collins. I'm Deputy Minister of Information for the Greater Nazi Reich. You've all been the victims of a lie. For the past few days, you've been told that the Führer is alive and well, on vacation at his retreat in Austria. But the truth... is that Adolf Hitler died last night in Berlin. ''[staff shouts in the background]'' The forces of the Reich did not wish you to know this truth - ''[a Waffen-SS soldier shoots him off-camera]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kotomichi has just seen Trade Minister Tagomi reappear at his office after several days]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Are you well, Trade Minister? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': So very tired. But I suspect you know the reason why. You're not from this world, Kotomichi. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister... :'''Tagomi''': I learned in the other world, defeat of our Empire, the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where you were injured. :'''Kotomichi''': My family, friends... perished in the bombing. As I lay in the hospital recovering from my burns, I learned to escape the pain... in my body and my mind. By accident, I found myself here. A happier world where my family survived. :'''Tagomi''': I believe there's a reason for my traveling, my powers. The armies in the other world made their atomic weapons larger, some a thousand times stronger than the one dropped on Nagasaki. I fear that they will eventually destroy themselves. If General Onoda does not listen to reason, then I must speak to the Crown Prince immediately. Arrange for my trip with great haste. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister, travel to Japan is not possible at this time. We will soon be at war. :'''Tagomi''': What? :'''Kotomichi''': Hitler is dead. Poisoned. And the Nazis have blamed the Empire. I fear your warning comes too late. :'''Tagomi''': There may be one last hope, Kotomichi. <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda explains to the Kempeitai staff the possible war that's about to come]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': It is now clear that the Nazi dream is a world in which we no longer exist. To them, like the Jews and the Slavs and the Gypsies, we are something foreign. Thus, the war machine of the Reich...is poised to attack us. The men in this room may not live to see sunrise, but our ''grandchildren'' will survive. But, we must never forget, the Emperor is immortal.''Tennō Heika. Banzai!'' :'''Staff''': ''[raises arms with every word] Banzai!! Banzai!! Banzai!!!'' ===''Fallout'' [2.10]=== :''[In Berlin, the'' Oberkommando der Wehrmacht ''meets with Chancellor Heusmann on a new war plan and an unnamed field marshal briefs them]'' :'''Briefer''': ''[explaining map movements]'' Chancellor, men, our attack is in three phases. Phase One- U-boat and silo-launched missiles to destroy primary targets. San Diego, San Francisco, Pearl Harbor in the Pacific States. Darwin and Manila, Yokohama, Kamchatka, and Vladivostok in the East. :'''Chancellor Martin Heusmann''': How long it will take? :'''Briefer''': On your order, 15 minutes from launch. :'''Heusmann''': And why not Tokyo, field marshal? :'''Reichsfuhrer-SS [[Heinrich Himmler]]''': ''[interjects]'' If we kill their emperor, it would prolong the conflict. :'''Heusmann''': So we spare him? After he murders our Fuehrer? :'''Himmler''': The Japanese must see their deity surrender and acknowledge the superiority of our Master Race. :'''Heusmann''': ''[sternly]'' They will accept that reality without him. ''[orders briefer as Himmler remains quiet]'' Destroy Tokyo in Phase One. :'''Briefer''': ''[looks at Himmler who nods at him]'' Yes, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Continue. :'''Briefer''': Phase Two - our long-range nuclear bombers destroy secondary targets, including Anchorage, Los Angeles, and Sacramento in the west. Osaka, Peking, Delhi, Bangkok, and so on in the east. Time to completion, six hours from launch. Phase Three, a ground and marine invasion to secure and occupy. We expect total capitulation within two weeks. :'''Heusmann''': What kind of retaliation can we expect? :'''Briefer''': The strongest resistance will be in our satellite states. :'''Himmler''': Particularly, the Americas, where we expect the Japanese to mount significant defense and counterattacks. :'''Briefer''': We anticipate Japanese bombers to launch long-range suicide missions. We should expect major attacks as deep as Chicago and New York. :'''Heusmann''': Projected casualties? :'''Briefer''': The nuclear attack will result in 15 to 16 million dead. Ground invasion will add another two to three million. :'''Heusmann''': And on our side? :'''Briefer''': The Japanese only have conventional weapons. Casualties will be in the hundreds of thousands. :'''Himmler''': And mostly Americans, so... acceptable losses. :'''Heusmann''': When can you be ready to launch? :'''Briefer''': By 1900 tomorrow, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Good, ''[rises with everyone]'' Tomorrow night, I will address the Reich from the ''Volkshalle''. During my speech, I will give the attack order. I will secure the Fatherland and the future of the Reich. ''[everyone makes the stiff-arm salute]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Chancellor Heusmann prepares the nuclear-launch console but Joe Blake tries to counsel him against attacking Japan]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Just think of the innocent lives. Father, you can't. :'''Martin Heusmann''': I know the casualties will be high, but that may be necessary. :'''Blake''': You can't really believe that. :'''Heusmann''': Did you listen to nothing that I've said?? :'''Blake''': Of course I did, but you can't build a better world if there's nothing left of it. ''[Himmler enters the room with a group of SS soldiers]'' :'''Heusmann''': ''[in German]'' What is this for? :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': ''[in German as the soldiers take Heusmann and Blake]'' Acting Chancellor Heusmann, you are under arrest for high treason and the murder of our Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler. :'''Blake''': ''[sees John Smith at the door]'' What the hell's going on? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Your father's a traitor, Joe. :'''Himmler''': ''[in German]'' Take them away! <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith heads to the front door to see Thomas meeting a crew from the Greater Nazi Reich Public Health Department]'' :'''Helen Smith''': ''[upon being given a consent form to Thomas' euthanisation]'' What is this? :'''Thomas Smith''': ''[to detail head]'' May I have a moment, please? ''[comes back to Helen]'' :'''Helen''': Thomas? :'''Thomas''': Look, I won't tell them about what you and father said. ''[embraces her one more time]'' Be proud of me. Tell Father to be proud. ''[leaves]'' :'''Helen''': ''[as Thomas rejoins the health crews and she's held back by the security guards]'' No. Thom... Thomas. Thomas, stay with me! Stay with me, Thomas! Thomas! ''[shouting, sobbing]'' Thomas! Thomas, don't go! ==Season 3 == ===''Now More Than Ever, We Care About You'' [3.1]=== :''[Joe Blake reads a prepared statement denouncing his father]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Martin Heusmann was my father. His false beliefs came to infect me. We were both guilty of wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, which gave rise to an unspeakable criminal scheme to assassinate our great leader, our one true father. Wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, against the Party, against the true science of National Socialism. Martin Heusmann was my father. <hr width=50%> :''[American Reich Propaganda Minister Billy Turner comes to work incensed]'' :'''Billy Turner''': They can't pull this shit on me last minute. The Fritz Kuhn deal is my deal. I don't need some German chick fresh off the rocket plane to tell me which way's up. ''[a woman enters the office]'' :'''Woman''': Nicole Dormer. German chick. :'''Turner''': ''[shakes her hand]'' Sorry. Billy Turner. Minister of Propaganda, and world-class idiot. Welcome to New York, ''fraulein''. First time? :'''Dormer''': Hardly. :'''Turner''': Miss Dormer... :'''Dormer''': Nicole. :'''Turner''': Nicole. I think there are some transatlantic crossed wires on this little renaming ceremony. :'''Dormer''': ''[reads sample propaganda posters]'' "Fascism is freedom"? "Freedom to prosper." "Freedom to explore." "Freedom from fear." "Freedom to propagate"? :'''Turner''': That's the new campaign. :'''Dormer''': New? Sounds rather familiar. :'''Turner''': Brand-new. :'''Dormer''': "Procreate to Populate, with Pride"? :'''Turner''': That's the spring rollout to inspire our young brides to... :'''Dormer''': Fuck and be fertile? :'''Turner''': I wouldn't quite put it that way. :'''Dormer''': ''[looks at draft art of a woman about to catch her baby]'' This image is perfect for a message from the Reich. Warmer, more maternal. Something like... forgive my English... perhaps... "Now more than ever, we care about you." :'''Turner''': That's not bad. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, schatzi. <hr width=50%> :''[Reichsmarschall for North America [[George Lincoln Rockwell]] graces the remembrance for Thomas Smith]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Rockwell''': We gather here today to honor a true hero of the Reich. When the hour of decision came for Thomas Smith, he rose to the occasion in a way that admirably reflected upon his father. Without wavering, without self-pity, Thomas Smith, on his own, made the ultimate sacrifice for a community, a country, a cause. Surely, Thomas Smith shall forever stand a peerless exemplar of Aryan youth. And as we remember this day, let us absorb a great lesson: In the hour of decision, in the hour of crisis, when we look for leadership, and for courage, to whom do we look? We look to people covered in medals. But sometimes, we are better served when we look to a boy. A boy with a dream in his heart. ===''Imagine Manchuria'' [3.2]=== :''[Kido pays his respects to Sgt Yoshida's grave. Nakamura visits him in the wake of a botched raid on Hagan]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': I told you, Nakamura. I have many skills. Interrogating the dead is not one of them. :'''Sgt Nakamura''': I am not worthy to replace Sergeant Yoshida. :'''Kido''': Perhaps not. :'''Nakamura''': Before I leave your sight, sir... All the bodies have been examined. No sign of the criminal priest Hagan. :'''Kido''': Find Hagan, bring him to me alive, and you will be my sergeant. If you cannot, resign yourself to a career in the colonial backwater in a conflict zone. If you think San Francisco is miserable in the winter, imagine Manchuria. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith summons Thelma Harris over what she wrote regarding Mrs Adler]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': May I call you Thelma? :'''Thelma Harris''': Of course. :'''Smith''': Good. Tell me, Thelma, you happily married? :'''Harris''': I am. :'''Smith''': Must be so difficult for you. Marriage is hard work. :'''Harris''': Yes, I know. :'''Smith''': But especially for a couple like you. With your sorts of secrets. :'''Harris''': Sir? I... :'''Smith''': You'd just lose your job, right? But your husband, well, he'd lose everything, considering the law. And his... friend? Roger? ''[sees Harris react]'' Oh, I don't judge. I assure you. :'''Harris''': You don't? :'''Smith''': No, but I understand how vulnerable you must feel, how... susceptible to unscrupulous operators. Like our friend Mr. Hoover. Constant threat of exposure. That's no way to live. :'''Harris''': No. No, sir, it's... it's not. :'''Smith''': Well, I can help you. If you'd like. :'''Harris''': Sir, that would be wonderful. But what do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Nothing. Nothing. :'''Harris''': Sir? :'''Smith''': Just keep doing what you're doing. Just have to let me know what that is. At all times. So I can help you. Help keep you and your husband safe. Do you understand? :'''Harris''': Perfectly. :'''Smith''': Very good. I'll have Major Metzger see you out. :'''Harris''': Thank you, uh, O... ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi takes custody of Juliana Crain and the other Trudy Walker]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': I threw the I Ching. Hexagram 40. Liberation. Changing line into Hexagram 56. Transition. Most auspicious. :'''Juliana Crain''': I never really got to mourn her, you know. :'''Tagomi''': Now's your chance. :'''Crain''': Focus, Tru. :'''Tagomi''': If you let go of her, the Trudy you lost, you will be liberated. Able to let go of her. And she of you. :'''Trudy Walker''': ''[as the room rattles]'' You've always looked out for me, sis. You don't need to anymore. Take care of yourself, sis. ''[disappears]'' ===''Sensô Kôi'' [3.3]=== :''[Joe Blake has tracked down Oberfuhrer Diels]'' :'''Oberfuhrer Oliver Diels''': Smith has sent you, hasn't he? That vengeful bastard. :'''Joe Blake''': You should've stayed loyal to the Reich. :'''Diels''': The old regime needed to go. Heydrich and your father, they understood that. :'''Blake''': My father confessed his faults. Renounced his conspiracy against the Fuhrer. :'''Diels''': Then your father died a traitor. ''[falls down after a shot to the chest]'' :'''Blake''': My father died a hero. ''[shoots Diels in the face]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith visits the [[w:Ahnenerbe|Ahnenerbe]] Institute]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': The Ahnenerbe Institute will remain focused on the sciences, under my purview. ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler asked that I introduce you to some of our more immediate efforts in advance of his visit. ''[shows Smith a cart full of the films]'' The late Fuhrer's entire film archive. At your disposal, with Himmler's compliments. :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Yes, I watched some of these in Berlin. Surprising number of them are insignificant or counterfeit. :'''Mengele''': And many are not so easily explained. Events, outcomes that cannot be dismissed as fake. The late Fuhrer knew these films, in the hands of our enemies, could be weaponized against the Reich. One of the archival projects is to sort, catalogue, and segregate the genuine from the ''ersatz''. The ''Reichsfuhrer'' has entrusted this task to you. :'''Smith''': Me? Not Rockwell? :'''Mengele''': Just you, ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. The films are part of several interrelated research projects. Our coordinated efforts will separate truth from noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nicole Dormer's new film tribute to Thomas Smith,'' An American Hero'', is shown before GNR officials]'' :'''Dormer''': ''[narration]'' But it is among Thomas' own generation, among his fellow classmates, that he is most honored. :'''Female student''': ''[in interview]'' I loved Thomas. I did. ''[sniffles]'' You know, ever since I met him in the second grade, he was always talking about the future. His plans. Everything that he dreamed about doing to make the Reich an even better place. :'''Dormer''': Thomas spoke about the future. Did he ever talk about his father? :'''Student''': All the time. Thomas idolized him. :'''Dormer''': ''[voiceover] Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith is one of the American Reich's most decorated soldiers. ''[footage of Volkshalle rally]'' And just last fall, Smith was honored by ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler for saving the life from the traitor Heusmann. At this time of Smith's greatest triumph, his son Thomas was walking to his death. ''[cut to Thomas' tribute at his school]'' At the ceremony at Thomas Smith's high school, I witnessed an astonishing moment. :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': ''[in tribute speech]'' A boy with a dream in his heart. :'''Dormer''': ''[describing footage]'' Thomas' younger sister, Amy, instinctively stood to salute her brother. Child after child followed suit. And I wondered, what kind of man inspired such devotion and passion in his children? ''[cut to Smith]'' That man, John Smith. He bears a responsibility of being father to children and father to the entire nation. It's that immense and that simple. ===''Sabra'' [3.4]=== :''[Frank Frink explains his new artworks to Mark Sampson and gives him samples]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Take them back with you. I want you to put them up. :'''Mark Sampson''': Yeah, there's there's something you should know. Um, people are are not only putting up your art. They're copying it. Young people, especially. They're they're making it their own. ''[shows Frank pictures of graffiti resembling his work]'' :'''Frink''': Ah, this is fantastic. :'''Sampson''': Yeah. :'''Frink''': All the more reason why we- :'''Sampson''': Look, they're arresting people, Frank. :'''Frink''': I don't want anyone to get hurt. :'''Sampson''': Well, look, in a way, it's out of your hands. Th these sunrises, they'd they don't even belong to you anymore. But this, this is really gonna get the Pons' attention, and not in a good way. :'''Frink''': You said people need to see - all this. :'''Sampson''': Yeah, and and, one day, the time will be right. And when it is, I promise you that we will wallpaper these sons of bitches like nobody's business. <hr width=50%> :''[a woman meets with Ed and Robert Childan about a certain artifact]'' :'''Woman''': The Duke gave me this just before he left to fight with the Rebels. :'''Robert Childan''': And this is the belt buckle he wore in ''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)|Stagecoach]]''? :'''Woman''': Mm-hmm. ''Stagecoach'' is my favorite [[w:John_Ford|Ford]]. :'''Childan''': Yeah, I just Feels a wee bit apocryphal. :'''Ed''': That means he doesn't believe you. :'''Woman''': O ye of little faith. He told me to keep it as a memento till he came back, which, of course, he never did. ''[shows picture]'' :'''Childan''': Oh. Now, that's a horse of a different color. :'''Woman''': That's me, that's the Duke, and there's the buckle. :'''Childan''': Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. :'''Woman''': He was killed in action at the Battle of Dayton. :'''Childan''': Oh. :'''Woman''': You know that? :'''Ed''': Everyone knows that. I mean, John Wayne. Wu? :'''Childan''': We'll give you five marks for this and the photo. :'''Woman''': That's the only picture I have of the Duke and me. :'''Childan''': Well, buckle's not worth a pfennig without the photo. :'''Woman''': Well, could you see your way clear to seven? I, I got my rent to make, and and seven marks might get me through. :'''Childan''': I'll tell you what I'll do - :'''Ed''': 15. We'll pay her 15. :'''Woman''': Fifteen. That's fair. Right? <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer is not pleased with a shoot of workmen weakly sledgehammering a bust of Abraham Lincoln]'' :'''Nicole Dormer''': Cut! Okay, cut. This is the old America. You are the new America. I want to see you full of power, energy. ''[to cameraman]'' In fact, get the camera off the sticks and move it in closer. Follow them. We need to feel the kinetic potential, the vitality of the new American Nazi youth. Okay, boys, what you're doing here is important work. You're erasing the past, replacing it with a better world, a world that is entirely yours. We ready? Okay, back to the start, please. Ready. And action! ''[the workmen start smashing the marble with more strength; instructing cameraman]'' Now get down low, underneath them, as they work. Shoot up. Make him look heroic. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido visits Tagomi]'' :'''Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi''': Howard Wexler. Who is he? :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': A defector from the Reich. :'''Tagomi''': Like Diels. :'''Kido''': Only much more valuable. A researcher. I believe it was the same assassin in both cases. Wexler was working with your ministry. :'''Tagomi''': On a project I cannot discuss. :'''Kido''': The Nazis are doing their best to sabotage us. And they are succeeding. These street protests- :'''Tagomi''': The street protests are under control. The agitators are suffering for oil. Kerosene. Gasoline. Heating oil. What are you doing about it, Trade Minister? :'''Kido''': Again, nothing I will discuss with you, Chief Inspector. ===''The New Colossus'' [3.5]=== :''[Helen Smith resumes her counselling sessions with Dr Ryan after John Smith arranges it for her]'' :'''Dr. Ryan''': Why don't we start with something easy? You know, a memory. Could be anything. :'''Helen Smith''': Anything? :'''Ryan''': Well, anything to do with Thomas. Why don't you sit back, shut your eyes if that helps, and, uh, go back to a moment. :'''Smith''': Needn't be anything big. :'''Ryan''': Could be something nice and simple. :'''Smith''': Uh, they they heard me scream and wail when Thomas was walking to that van. I wept, I pleaded, and all of my neighbors housewives and my friends they heard me beg him to stop. Stop and go back in the house. Don't do this. I'm so so ashamed. :'''Ryan''': But any mother would've wept and pleaded. Don't you think? :'''Smith''': My son was a hero, I was a weakling. :'''Ryan''': No. No, no. It takes strength to grieve openly. :'''Smith''': Does it? :'''Ryan''': It's the weak who conceal their feelings behind a tough façade. Now, just by me saying this, you won't magically let go of your shame. But, if it makes it any easier, there is nothing more important to the Aryan state than a powerful mother who brings the full force of her emotions and convictions to daily life in the Reich. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith fumes at John over ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] suddenly visiting the Smiths' apartment investigating her over Alice Adler's death]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Trust me, Helen, :'''Helen Smith''': Trust you, John? The last time - :'''John''': We're not relying on Hoover's help. :'''Helen''': I trusted you. :'''John''': No? :'''Helen''': Because he came bursting in here with two of his men. Who's to stop him from coming back and arresting me? <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith is summoned to George Lincoln Rockwell, with Reichsfuhrer Himmler and ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] by his side. Smith is curious why he is there]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': Let's start with Dr. Adler, whom you eulogized following his sudden demise from a heart attack. A man who'd just gotten a clean bill of health from his own cardiologist. So what caused Adler's fatal coronary? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Undetected coronary blockage, I'd assume. You, you tell me, George. :'''Rockwell''': I can't tell you, because Gerry Adler was cremated before a proper postmortem could be performed, per Alice Adler's pleas to anyone who'd listen. And then Alice went suddenly silent, too. She died in a botched burglary, according to the police. But now, ''[glances at Hoover]'' ARBI agents have come up with a fascinating conclusion: the burglar - if indeed it was a burglar - who murdered Mrs. Adler was another woman. Meantime, evidence has come to light of Smith's scheme to sneak his ailing son out of the country, and then stage a kidnap plot to spirit Thomas to an Argentinian safe haven. It's treason to cover up your son's illness, and treason to use your office to spirit away your sick son. Not to mention assassinating a high-ranking Nazi official, Dr. Adler, and his wife. :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Do you have evidence to back up these accusations? :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', we have the motive, the means and the proof. :'''J Edgar Hoover''': I'm sorry, ''Reichsmarschall'', but I'm afraid you're confused. :'''Rockwell''': ''[nonplussed]'' Confused. How? :'''Hoover''': The charges you've leveled against ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith are unfounded. They're mere conjecture. :'''Rockwell''': ''[pointedly at Hoover]'' Why the fuck would you say that? ''[Looks at briefcase and sees a bunch of crumpled papers]'' I don't understand. You showed me all those cables from Buenos Aires. ''[to Smith]'' Helen Smith's button, stained with Alice Adler's blood. ''[pouts and slams bag on table]'' Edgar. Where is it all? :'''Himmler''': Am I to understand there is no evidence to support these claims or treason? :'''Hoover''': I have no evidence whatsoever, ''Mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': It is, in fact, treason, to falsely accuse a senior Party member of such crimes. :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer''- :'''Himmler''': ''[In German]'' Get him out of here - :'''Rockwell''': ''[overlaps] Mein Fuhrer''... :'''Himmler''': Go away! Out of my sight. Out of this country. Immediately! :'''Rockwell''': ''[as he's manhandled out of the room]'' Edgar, you set me up. A put-up job?! I will fucking crush you! <hr width=50%> :''[Juliana Crain talks to Joe Blake about what she saw in his belongings, without implying she was perusing them at all]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Listen, Juliana, to resist is to invite the kind of pain that I went through. And trust me you do not want that. :'''Juliana Crain''': And what is it that you think I want? :'''Blake''': You want to join me. For a world full of perfection and happiness. :'''Crain''': You hardly seem happy. :'''Blake''': Just wake up! This is the world we live in. One that can be perfected, but not by your idea of goodness. Make peace with that, and there's a way out of this. :'''Crain''': But what does it mean ''Die Nebenwelt''? :'''Blake''': It means "the next world," a parallel world. And when we reach it, and the world after that, and the world after that, the Reich will be everywhere. It dwarfs my father's greatest dreams. Now get dressed. :'''Crain''': Or what? Hmm? You know, I've watched you kill me so many times. You know what happens next? You take that gun and you put it under your chin, and you blow your own fucking brain - :'''Blake''': You're gonna take me to Tagomi. And then you're gonna take me to High Castle. ===''History Ends'' [3.6]=== :''[Kido talks to Tagomi about documents Juliana Crain stole from Joe Blake that were delivered to the office]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': You were working with the scientist Wexler, were you not? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Yes, a sensitive project. Synthetic oil. :'''Kido''': These documents are highly-classified ''Kempeitai'' files. Where did you get them? :'''Tagomi''': They were brought to me. Is it possible they were in the possession of the Nazi spy at the time of his death? :'''Kido''': Possibly, yes. Whoever killed him appears to have prevented an attempt on your life. Tell me, Trade Minister, why would the Nazis want you dead? :'''Tagomi''': A provocation. :'''Kido''': Revenge. :'''Tagomi''': A warning. :'''Kido''': So, any number of reasons. :'''Tagomi''': Let me ask you something, Chief Inspector. What are you going to do about the traitor in your midst? <hr width=50%> :''[Ed catches up with Frank Frink at St Theresa's and they talk about Frank's art]'' :'''Frank Frink''': I just wanted to redeem myself. Anyway, seemed like helping the Resistance was the only way to make any sense out of what was left of my life. It was a mistake. :'''Ed McCarthy''': And you you tried to tell me. :'''Frink''': Ed, I killed people. I killed people directly. And I got them killed after, too. :'''McCarthy''': You know, the Japs' reprisals were, uh, were terrible. You can't blame yourself for that. <hr width=50%> :''[In New York, Himmler has just sworn in John Smith as the new Reichsmarschall for Nazi America]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': Today marks the beginning of ''Jahr Null'', Year Zero. This will become the beating heart of the Greater Nazi Reich... We will do away with the old. Today, history ends and the future begins!! ===''Excess Animus'' [3.7]=== :''[Having just killed Sgt Nakamura, Kido follows up with Tagomi over the Kempeitai files... over a late-night drink]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Would you like a drink, Trade Minister? ''[Tagomi sits down]'' If you want my cooperation, you must provide me with some answers. It is time for the truth. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': What is it you wish to know? :'''Kido''': Trudy Walker. The woman I killed is the same woman I arrested months later. They are not different people, as you suggested, they are the same. :'''Tagomi''': They are, indeed, different individuals. :'''Kido''': They are not. They have the same physical characteristics, even the same fingerprints. :'''Tagomi''': But one is from this world. :'''Kido''': The other? :'''Tagomi''': The other is not of this world. They are different people, separate lives. Separate histories. Different memories. :'''Kido''': How do you know this? :'''Tagomi''': I am a traveler. I have visited another world akin to ours, but but different. :'''Kido''': You visited another world? :'''Tagomi''': Where I got the film of the Bikini Atoll atomic bomb test. The one that dissuaded the Nazis from attacking us. In that world, the Allies won the war. It was their bomb, the Americans, not ours. We deceived them into thinking we had the bomb. :'''Kido''': And Miss Crain? :'''Tagomi''': Dr. Hamahashi has confirmed. The Nazis are building a machine to invade and conquer those parallel worlds. Miss Crain is trying to stop them. I told you she's on our side. :'''Kido''': At least for now. ===''Kasumi (Through the Mists)'' [3.8]=== :''[Some Kempeitai agents visit Robert Childan after he's interrogated over breaking into his own shop]'' :'''Kempeitai Agent''': You are Childan Robert? :'''Robert Childan''': ''[bows]'' Uh, a-actually, it's Robert Childan. Ne- never mind. What can I do for you, most honored Sir? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido has removed the people who have been illegally occupying your shop. :'''Childan''': What? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': I am instructed to inform you that it is yours to do with as you please once again. :'''Childan''': Uh, I-I don't understand. :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido rewards you for your service to the Japanese National State. :'''Childan''': My s-service to... Yes, of course. ''[bows] Arigato gozaimashita. [agents leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith visits Dr Ryan]'' :'''John Smith''': So what'd you have to tell me, Doctor? :'''Dr Ryan''': Well, it's a bit delicate, I'm afraid. Uh Forgive me, sir, but, uh I feel it's my duty to tell you that, uh, your wife has been articulating opinions, uh incompatible with Reich orthodoxy. :'''Smith''': I see. Please go on. :'''Ryan''': Well, this morning, she expressed a desire, a desire to rethink the Reich's eugenics policies. Uh, I think she feels that because of your position, you might have some influence in the matter. :'''Smith''': Has she expressed these thoughts to anyone else that you know of? :'''Ryan''': Not that I'm aware of, sir. No. She also spoke today of, uh, having acted impulsively. :'''Smith''': In what way? :'''Ryan''': I-I didn't probe. I thought it best to alert you. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Was there something else? :'''Ryan''': I don't know if you're aware, sir. There, there's a phenomenon that occurs in psychotherapy. It's called, uh, "transference. " Uh, a patient develops feelings of affection, or attraction for the analyst. It's very common really. :'''Smith''': And has my wife expressed such feelings to you, Doctor? :'''Ryan''': Today your wife was, uh physically demonstrative in a way that perhaps - :'''Smith''': It's okay. You can tell me. :'''Ryan''': She kissed me, sir. She, uh, gave me a good-bye kiss. It was just a kiss on the cheek, but under the circumstances... :'''Smith''': I understand. :'''Ryan''': Sir, um... :'''Smith''': Mm-hmm. :'''Ryan''': Given everything else, I really do think it best that I, uh I terminate treatment and resign as her analyst. ''[presents Smith his file on Helen]'' :'''Smith''': You did very well to tell me. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is fuming after the Japanese dispose of the Lebensborn agent he sent to kill Nobusuke Tagomi - outside the GNR embassy in San Francisco]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': To dump his body in the street like that? Savages! :'''John Smith''': There's, um, There's also been a ''communiqué'', sir, demanding that we end the oil embargo, honor our trade agreements, or face military action. :'''Himmler''': They won't risk a war. We will crush them. :'''Smith''': They do have the bomb, sir. I know Europe is secure, but the risk to the American Reich is real. :'''Himmler''': They're bluffing. Send them a message. :'''Smith''': Sir? :'''Himmler''': Tell them we reject their demands categorically. :'''Smith''': Sir. <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer calls Billy after the police raid a women's club]'' :'''Billy Turner''': Turner. :'''Nicole Dormer''': Billy. Thank God. It's Nicole. :'''Turner''': What's the matter? :'''Dormer''': Thelma's been arrested. We were having a drink - there was a raid. :'''Turner''': A raid? Where the hell were you? :'''Dormer''': A club. :'''Turner''': What kind of club? :'''Dormer''': For women. :'''Turner''': Oh, shit. Look, I'll make some calls. :'''Dormer''': There were photographers. :'''Turner''': Okay, I - I'll find out who. :'''Dormer''': Collect the film and, uh, send someone to pick her up. :'''Turner''': Billy, you have to go yourself. If it comes out - :'''Dormer''': Of course. Of course. Yeah, you're right. Let me see what I can do. :'''Turner''': Thank you. ===''Baku'' [3.9]=== :''[Billy Turner leads the planning of the Jahr Null kickoff ceremonies]'' :'''Billy Turner''': ''Jahr Null'' will be a live TV event broadcast across the Reich and the GNR. :'''Thelma Harris''': Where will the ''Reichsfuhrer'' and the ''Reichsmarschall'' be? :'''Turner''': On a VIP boat in the harbor. As close to the action as possible. :'''Harris''': And will Nicole Dormer be on the boat? :'''Turner''': Yes. :'''Harris''': And where will I be? :'''Turner''': On the boat, with me. :'''Harris''': Will I have an interview with her? :'''Turner''': No, she'll be directing, but, uh, I'll make sure to get you a statement. :'''Harris''': Of course. I think I have this. :'''Turner''': Okay, let's take five before the production meeting. ''[the other staff leave and Billy closes the door. to Thelma, coldly]'' Don't ever do that to me again. I had to make a lot of calls to clean up your arrest. :'''Harris''': I'm sorry. :'''Turner''': Stay away from Nicole. :'''Harris''': All right. <hr width=50%> :''[a Japanese man visits Robert Childan's newly-reopened store]'' :'''Robert Childan''': Kobayashi-san, what a delightful pleasure. How may I help you today? :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I was, uh, wondering if you still had that precious baseball. The one signed by the [[w:Murderers' Row|Murderers' Row]]. :'''Childan''': Oh, ''sumimasen''. I no longer have that item in my possession. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I see. Delightful pleasure to see you back. ''[goes to leave]'' :'''Childan''': Kobayashi-san. Um, I almost forgot. Rumor has it, a great influx of Americana may be moving west from the GNR. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': And what is causing this influx? :'''Childan''': The Nazis are in the midst of purging American history. So, if these rumors are correct, it would be a great bonanza for my business. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': Hmm. Interesting. If you are able to procure these old American artifacts from the Reich, I would very much like to view them. :'''Childan''': ''Hai.'' <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith meets Nobusuke Tagomi at a farmhouse somewhere in the Neutral Zone]'' :'''John Smith''': Trade Minister. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Good evening, ''Reichsmarschall''. Thank you for coming. Please, sit. I wish to extend my deepest condolences for the loss of your only son. I, too, have experienced the same. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Now on the phone, you mentioned Dr. Wexler and ''Die Nebenwelt''. :'''Tagomi''': Yes. This machine is powerful. Meant to cross the thresholds between worlds. :'''Smith''': The Reich won't be held hostage, Trade Minister. Nor will we engage in negotiations based on ill-gotten and half-baked intelligence. :'''Tagomi''': I had hoped to discuss these matters alone, apart from our government. Because we have achieved peace together once before. :'''Smith''': What do you mean? :'''Tagomi''': Last year, you presented a film in Berlin. You averted war. I provided that film for Chief Inspector Kido. :'''Smith''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Tagomi''': It is possible to reach other worlds without the use of technology. The different truths of those worlds are of great value. And of great personal comfort. I received the film from my son. ''[presents paper]'' This is a list of 15 German defectors still living in the Pacific States. The Empire has approved the return of them to the Reich. And please, accept this as a gesture of recommitment to our trade agreements. And in return, the Empire ask only that you honor our oil treaties. Thank you for meeting, ''Reichsmarschall''. :'''Smith''': I will see that the Fuhrer gets your list. :'''Tagomi''': I believe our two countries have great value for each other in peace. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido has successfully captured Frank Frink and brought him to a certain place in the desert]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': This was once the site of an American-Japanese internment camp. [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar]]. :'''Frank Frink''': Mm. :'''Kido''': I was there in 1945 when the camps were liberated. I have seen those painted all over San Francisco and the Neutral Zone. I never imagined they were yours. You have been speaking to me this whole time. :'''Frink''': I've been speaking to a lot of people. They've started to listen. It's beginning. :'''Kido''': I know I am a part of what you did. I executed your sister. Your niece and nephew. :'''Frink''': I did what I did out of anger. I, uh, I never wanted to survive. Never thought I'd have to face what I'd done. It changed me. :'''Kido''': How? How have you changed? :'''Frink''': Well, I'm... I'm free. :'''Kido''': So you are not afraid of death? :'''Frink''': No. No, not anymore. You? Only a death without honor. :'''Kido''': Honor. Out of weakness, I let you go. That was my mistake. ''[goes back to the car, as Sato presents him his samurai sword]'' :'''Frink''': ''[as Kido changes into his Kempeitai military uniform]'' [[w:Shema Yisrael|Sh'ma Yisrael]] Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad... ''[continues singing until Kido decapitates him]'' ===''Jahr Null'' [3.10]=== :''[at the Poconos base, the Ahnenerbe Institute research team completes a new test of the warp gate tunnel, and Mengele recovers dogtags from the vaporized remains of the test subjects]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': Three dog tags. The remains of three corpses on the conveyor not four. One, sir, the young woman. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': She got through. :'''Mengele''': It's a limited success, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': Progress, nonetheless. :'''Mengele''': It's more than that, it's a breakthrough. :'''Himmler''': ''Ja.'' Now, we must accelerate the number of tests and expand their scale. :'''Mengele''': Right. Thank you, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': I want 100% success rate. Close enough, at any rate, to begin ''[excited, points to the tunnel] to march troops through! [everybody applauds]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard a ship in New York harbor, Fuhrer Himmler and Reichsmarschall Smith preside over the destruction of the Statue of Liberty]'' :'''Himmler''': John, where is your family? :'''Smith''': I have sent them away for a few days, ''mein Fuhrer''. Helen was very tired. :'''Himmler''': Sends the wrong message when a Reichsmarschall appears at a public ceremony without his family. ''[enters deck crowded with officials and Hitler Youth/BDM members. returns Nazi salute and turns to view the Statue of Liberty with Smith]'' I'm particularly sad that your children are not here to witness this today. You will get your house in order. ''[addresses the youth]'' Today is for you. The generation born since the end of the war. A pure generation, free from the decrepit ideologies of the past. You are the future. ''You... are... the Reich''. But you must be vigilant. The enemies of the Reich are everywhere. Those who would anchor you to the past must be eliminated to make room for the new. Today, we tear down the old. Here is your Fuhrer's gift to you. A new beginning! ''Jahr Null! [to Smith as the'' Ode to Joy ''from Beethoven's 9th Symphony is played] Reichsmarschall'', give the order. :'''Smith''': Come in, Major. :'''Luftwaffe pilot''': Copy, ''Reichsmarschall''. Clear to target. ''[a flight of aircraft fire missiles at the Statue of Liberty, which collapses into the harbor after a controlled explosion and amidst a fireworks display]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[elated at the collapse]'' At long last, her light goes out. :'''Radio announcer''': With the destruction of this former icon, the American Reich enters a bold new era. In downtown New York, Nazi youths are pouring into the streets to celebrate the destruction of liberty. In solidarity with their Fuhrer, they celebrate the beginning of ''Jahr Null''. <hr width=50%> :''[After the destruction of the Statue of Liberty, Himmler has a word with Nicole Dormer]'' :'''Himmler''': We could not have hoped for a more spectacular start to ''Jahr Null''. :'''Nicole Dormer''': ''Danke, mein Fuhrer.'' :'''Himmler''': But for now, you are being recalled to Berlin. :'''Dormer''': Is Miss [[Leni Riefenstahl|Riefenstahl]] stepping down from her post? :'''Himmler''': No. Unfortunately, your high-handed behavior, your flouting all rules and conventions... Did you really believe perversion had no price? ''[sees Dormer's reaction]'' That club was raided on my orders. ''[as two guards come to take her away]'' You are being sent back to Berlin for a course of mandatory reeducation. :'''Dormer''': And what will happen to her? ''[referring to Thelma Harris]'' :'''Himmler''': Mrs. Harris' fate is not your concern. :'''Dormer''': ''[feels the guards hold her]'' Is that really necessary? :''[Himmler signals the guards to release their grip on her, and they leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith receives a call at his apartment. It's Helen, and John is curious where they all went]'' :'''Helen Smith''': The, the girls and I we're safe. :'''John Smith''': That's, that's good. Listen, you shouldn't have run away from that nurse. :'''Helen''': I wasn't running from a nurse. :'''John''': I'm not - I'm not angry with you. I'm just - You just you scared me, that's all. Can you just come home? Please? Can you just bring the girls and come home? :'''Helen''': I love you, John... but I was running away from you. ''[hangs up]'' ==Season 4== ===''Hexagram 64'' [4.1]=== :''[The Crown Princess eulogizes Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Crown Princess''': Peace and harmony. That is what Mr. Tagomi sought. We lost him to an act of violence at the very moment we needed him most. His spirit is Japan's spirit. True Japanese spirit. In our drive for empire-building, we have lost sight of this spirit. Violence produces more violence. This is what is happening in San Francisco. I intend to see Tagomi's work completed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Yamori is not too pleased that the Crown Princess rebuffed his suggestion to return to Japan for her safety]'' :'''General Yamori''': ''[after the Crown Princess' entourage leaves]'' Someone has been whispering in her ear. Is it you? :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': Don't be absurd. Her Highness speaks for herself and with the consent of the palace. :'''General Yamori''': ''[In Japanese]'' You Navy appeasers are more dangerous than the BCR! :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': ''[In Japanese]'' Appeasers? You don't know the battles I've fought for Japan. :'''General Yamori''': ''[Back in English]'' When you speak, I hear surrender. :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': The Chinese are advancing in Korea and Manchuria. Our resources are spread thin. How long do you think we can hold this territory? :'''General Yamori''':''[In Japanese]'' As long as I'm alive. ''[Inokuchi is speechless]'' Hmm. Colonel, show the admiral out. ===''Every Door Out...'' [4.2]=== :''[Equiano Hampton presides over a BCR meeting in 1961]'' :'''Equiano Hampton''': Amen. That's a beautiful sound. Now, I see a lot of familiar faces in this room. Doctors, teachers, artists. And new faces, too. I bring good news. Two days ago, the first shipment of arms arrived from our allies in China. We gonna take this movement to the next stage. Now, I'm not gonna lie. There will be sacrifices. But for us, that price is nothing new. Most everyone in this room has someone got put on a train in the Reich, ain't never came back. For my wife, and my daughter, the train stopped at a camp in Saginaw, Michigan. :'''Man''': Onslow, North Carolina. :'''Hampton''': Sorry for your loss, brother. :'''Woman with Husband''': Shiloh, Pennsylvania. James and Martha Arnold. :'''Hampton''': James and Martha. Sorry for your loss, ma'am. :'''Woman with Husband''': Thank you. ''[guests start reciting the names of their loved ones and the concentration camps they ended up in]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': ''[quietly and teary-eyed]'' Moulton, Alabama. Daddy and Mama. :'''Elijah''': How about right here in San Francisco, California? ''[everybody looks at him]'' William Pullum. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Shot in the back by the ''Kempeitai'' nine blocks from here. And that was just last week. :'''Hampton''': Last week?! This same chain of violence runs through our whole history in this country, from slavery to this very day. You've served your people as doctors, teachers and artists. But tonight? Tonight I'm looking for men and women to be soldiers. Who's ready to be a soldier? ===''The Box'' [4.3]=== :''[Kido talks to his son over why he still didn't appear for the job interview and the incident he caused at the Yakuza club]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There will be no report. The incident will be forgotten, but it cannot happen again. :'''Toru Kido''': I can't forget. I can't forget what I've done. :'''Takeshi''': What? What have you done? :'''Toru''': What my unit did in Manchuria. To the villagers. :'''Takeshi''': It was war. It is in the past. :'''Toru''': I can still hear their voices. :'''Takeshi''': You did those things for your country. You have no reason to be ashamed. :'''Toru''': It is not shame that I feel. Something more than shame. :'''Takeshi''': We must look forward now, and draw our strength from the Empire. :'''Toru''': The Empire. The Empire is not strong. The Empire is losing. :'''Takeshi''': Losing? :'''Toru''': In China. The TV says we are winning there, but it is a lie. :'''Takeshi''': Enough. :'''Toru''': We believe what we're told. We don't ask questions. I was not a soldier. You are not a detective. We are both puppets. :'''Takeshi''': I will not be spoken to this way. We are bound to our duty. :'''Toru''': Duty? And what of your duty to your family? You left us. ''[as the elder Kido manhandles him out of the room over what he just said]'' No, NO! :'''Takeshi''': Get out of this house. Stand up. You are not my son. ''[Toru leaves]'' ===''Happy Trails'' [4.4]=== :''[cold opening of a'' Tales from the High Castle ''episode where a white man has just been fired by his black boss and is now tasked to train a younger black employee]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': ''[narrating]'' Robert Street has just learned that the American dream is nothing more than an Aryan man's nightmare. And for Robert Street, that nightmare has only just begun. You may not know me, but you might've seen one of my films, those terrifying visions where the Allies won the war. My name is Hawthorne Abendsen, and I am the Man in the High Castle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has lauded Captain Iijima for his work in the Tagomi assassination case, but...]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There is one matter I wanted to discuss with you in private. Outside the office. :'''Capt Iijima''': Of course, sir. :'''Kido''': Per General Yamori's orders, the Tagomi murder case is now closed. The assassin found, the weapon retrieved, conclusive evidence... and yet, something unfortunate has come to light. We found a partial print on the clip inside the pistol. It is yours. ''[laughs as Capt Iijima feels uneasy]'' Do not worry, Captain. I have spoken with General Yamori. He has told me everything. I have redacted the incriminating evidence. I only mention this so that next time, you will be more careful in covering your tracks. :'''Iijima''': Thank you for the correction, Chief Inspector. Next time - I promise to be more vigilant. :'''Kido''': Good. :''[Iijima leaves, but Kido rechecks the case file and it is revealed that the weapon has no prints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is happy about the dinner at the Smiths' apartment]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': John, thank you for this evening. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's get that drink next time you're in town. Safe travels. :'''Himmler''': All I see in Berlin are smiling faces, everywhere I look. But there's no one I can trust. :'''Smith''': You'll always have my loyalty. :'''Himmler''': I don't want your loyalty, John. ''[sternfully] I want your devotion. [leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain hides in Zina Parks' bakery in the ruins of Washington DC]'' :'''Parks''': My, uh, husband and I... started building this as a bomb shelter toward the end of the war. We didn't finish it in time. :'''Juliana Crain''': Well, they dropped the bomb on a Sunday, didn't they? Knowing so many would be in church. :'''Zina Parks''': After the war, they took my husband. For his "impurity." I was happy to offer this to the Resistance as a hiding place. Uh... I have to lock you in, for the time being. :'''Crain''': No, I understand. Well, please, won't you sit? :'''Parks''': I'll, uh, I'll bring you some food in a bit. I believe that you are who you say you are. Can I... can I ask you something? :'''Crain''': Of course. :'''Parks''': I've seen the film. A lot of us have. ''[looks at journal Juliana shows her]'' There's Roosevelt alive with Churchill and Stalin. :'''Crain''': I remember the day Roosevelt was assassinated. :'''Parks''': Yeah. :'''Crain''': But in that world, he survived. :'''Parks''': Please, could you keep going? W-What happened next? :'''Crain''': I have something I... could show you. :'''Parks''': Okay. :'''Crain''': ''[shows notebook]'' This is, uh... This is a sketch that I did from a newspaper clipping after FDR was shot at. One bullet could have changed everything. But it didn't. Not there. :'''Parks''': W-What's this one? :'''Crain''': That's Roosevelt. That's after he created the New Deal. :'''Parks''': [[New Deal]]? :'''Crain''': Yeah. Just, um, "Relief, Reform, Recovery." That was the motto, and he completely rebuilt the economy. :'''Parks''': Ended the Depression? :'''Crain''': He did. He also led the US to victory over Nazi Germany. ===''Mauvaise Foi'' [4.5]=== :''[in the wake of the US surrender and the military standing down in early 1946, Colonel Bolden visits John Smith's quarters]'' :'''Colonel Bolden''': I just came from the handover at West Point. Patton shook hands with Goering. It's all settled. First men to sign on will get food and good positions within the Reich. The holdouts will get nothing - or death. We report for duty tomorrow, at 0600. It's up to you. ''[leaves Nazi swastika armbands]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wyatt Price appears at Zina Parks' hideout looking for Juliana Crain, and finds her talking to Parks and some people about events in the other world]'' :'''Zina Parks''': What happened to Himmler and Goring? :'''Man''': And the Nazi leaders? The Allies, they could've put them up against a wall and shot them. :'''Juliana Crain''': That's what had always been done when wars ended, but they decided to do something different. They gave them a fair trial. :'''Man''': Nazis don't deserve a trial. :'''Crain''': Well, they were criminals. Once they put them on the stand, the world could see them for what they were. Their crimes were enormous, but these were small, weak men. They, um, they made excuses. They claimed they didn't know, that they were helpless to stop it. :'''Parks''': Tell them what happened to Hitler. :'''Crain''': He hid out in a bunker and then shot himself in the head. :'''Man''': It seems impossible. ''[chuckles]'' Like a dream. :'''Crain''': If they can be beaten in that world, they can be beaten in this one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the real-life 1964, Reichsmarschall John Smith and the Thomas Smith of that timeline eat at a diner in [[w:Bailey's Crossroads, Virginia|Bailey's Crossroads]] and have just witnessed a black man and woman being hauled out because the manager wouldn't serve them]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's go. :'''Thomas Smith''': What? :'''John''': I don't know. I'm just surprised, I guess. :'''Thomas''': I would have thought you'd have done something. :'''John''': Well, what would I do? :'''Thomas''': Said something. Done something. :'''John''': We're not the law. Come on, it's not up to us. Just seems so wrong. :'''Thomas''': They passed [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|a law]] that gives the right to these people to eat at the counter. :'''John''': And this still happens? So, this is the system you want to lay down your life to defend, huh? ''[referring to Thomas' decision to join the Marines]'' :'''Thomas''': This is the system that you fought for. :'''John''': And I came back a hero. Is that what you think? :'''Thomas''': ''[scornfully]'' That's what I thought you were. :'''John''': Is that what you want to be? You want to be a hero? You want to have your face painted on a mural? Maybe have a school named after you? You'd still be dead, Thomas. :'''Thomas''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I've seen it before. I know how it ends. And even if you don't die, you're gonna come back, you're not gonna be the same. It's all bullshit, Thomas. It's a fucking lie. Medals, flags, anthems. Pledges of allegiance. Freedom. I look around me, I don't see freedom. I don't see order. I just see chaos. I don't see anything worth giving my son's life for. :'''Thomas''': Who are you? ''[storms out]'' :'''John''': Thomas. Tho... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the real-life 1964, Daniel Levine excuses himself from what should have been a fun time watching football with the Smiths, but John Smith goes after him]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Danny. ''[sadly looks down]'' You know I had no choice, right? :'''Daniel Levine''': What do you mean, John? :'''Smith''': ''[teary-eyed]'' It's no use. It's no use. I... You're not gonna understand. I'm sorry. :'''Levine''': ''[comforts him]'' Hey. Hey, we're brothers, right? You got nothing to ''[deeply embraces John]'' feel sorry for. ''[long pause]'' I got you. ''[gently breaks off embrace and leaves]'' ===''All Serious Daring'' [4.6]=== :''[When Childan reemerges at his store and explains to his assistant, Yukiko, why he should talk to the Kempeitai about not being part of the BCR's Presidio raid, she's not too keen]'' :'''Yukiko''': Your optimism is so American. :'''Robert Childan''': What do you mean? :'''Yukiko''': When I was 14, a man came to our village to collect the young girls. He told us we'd be nurses in the city and work with the war effort. I was excited. I wanted to go, but my father knew what he meant. They made the girls ''bainshunfu''. :'''Childan''': Prostitutes. :'''Yukiko''': My father took me to the local authority. Sergeant Tanaka - a man he trusted. Tanaka scared off the man from the city, and I felt safe. And I'm working in the field, and Tanaka came. He took me in the field. My face in the dirt. I told my father what Tanaka had done to me. My father demanded my honor be restored. :'''Childan''': Your father killed him? :'''Yukiko''': No, Robert. He made me marry him. My father shook Tanaka's hand at the wedding, and I was married with the man for 12 years. The day Tanaka died was the day I was born. Never be ashamed of eating mice. We're survivors. We will outlive these men. All their honor, all their ribbons and medals are there to disguise who they really are, but their crimes are always revealed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having just arrested General Yamori and killed Captain Iijima over the assassination of Nobusuke Tagomi, Kido visits the Japanese Crown Princess]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': This file holds the evidence that Captain Iijima was the man who shot Trade Minister Tagomi. Iijima was working under the orders of General Yamori. :'''Crown Princess''': I am shocked, but I am not surprised. This occupation has turned our people against themselves. I understand your son served in Manchuria. :'''Kido''': Yes, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': I hope for a day we no longer need to send our sons to war. I will see that this information is delivered to the Emperor himself. There will be consequences. Chief Inspector, I know where your political sympathies lie. :'''Kido''': My loyalties will always lie with the emperor. :'''Crown Princess''': This must not have been easy. :'''Kido''': It was my duty. Nothing more. ===''No Masters but Ourselves'' [4.7]=== :''[Bell Mallory addresses BCR members setting up their bombs for the Crimson Pipeline]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': You don't have to do this. You can leave right now. Door's wide open. You will not be judged. ''[to young girl]'' Set the timer for 25 minutes. Enough time for you to get clear without anyone finding the parcel. ''[girls hum accordingly]'' Some of you will be captured. I know you know what that means. Most we can promise is to fight every day for your release. ''[to man preparing shoeboxes]'' That's some beautiful shoes you just cobbled together. Your families will be cared for. We don't forget what our soldiers have given to the struggle. We do this because we want the life our people have never had before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen Smith appears as a guest on the cooking show'' Hausfrau with Gabriela - ''indirectly on Margerete Himmler's suggestion]'' :'''Gabriela''': Now, you have been married to ''Reichsmarschall'' John Smith for - :'''Helen Smith''': Twenty years. And how the time has flown. :'''Gabriela''': So, what is your secret to a happy marriage? How do you manage to keep the fire burning? :'''Smith''': I can answer that in one word. A word that we can use on Reich TV? :'''Gabriela''': I think we can use it. :'''Smith''': Yes. Honesty. That, to me, is the foundation of a successful marriage. :'''Gabriela''': Helen, think back to your first Reichsgiving, the first moment you first gave thanks for National Socialism. :'''Smith''': Um, hmm... Oh, um, it would be February, '46, just after The Liberation. John was still in the ''[clears throat]'' John was in the US Army. Um, we had been posted to Fort Monmouth, and we had just had our son. Thomas was, um, he was just a baby. :'''Gabriela''': It's all right. Take a moment. :'''Smith''': No, no, I - I'd like to talk about it. We hadn't eaten in days. I thought that my baby was going to starve in my arms. A man, a Reich colonel, he came to our door. He brought us milk, bread, cheese, meat. It was all airlifted in by the Reich in an act of mercy. And my baby he finally stopped crying. :'''Gabriela''': From that day forward, thanks to that spirit of mercy, there has never again been hunger in the Reich. ''[audience applauds]'' And who else was there that night? :'''Smith''': Um, it It was Uh, well well, it was just just us, our family. :'''Gabriela''': As it should be? :'''Smith''': John, myself and Thomas, and... We put the past behind us. :'''Gabriela''': Thanks, Helen. We would love to have you back on the show again, any time. :'''Smith''': Yes, yes. I- I would like that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the wake of the Crimson Pipeline bombings, Chief Inspector Kido dons headphones but eventually puts them down to set the radio on full blast]'' :'''DJ Evangeline''': DJ Evangeline coming to you live from from Resistance Radio with breaking news from the JPS. :'''Bell Mallory''': I speak for the Oakland Battalion of the Black Communist Rebellion. We claim responsibility for today's attacks on the vital services, command-and-control, and oil infrastructure of the Japanese occupiers. We seek an autonomous territory for black people on the West Coast. And we will never quit. And the Empire's oil will not flow until we get our homeland. All power to the people. :'''DJ Evangeline''': All power to the people, indeed, Sister. There you have it, direct from the BCR. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido is forced to get the Crown Princess out of San Francisco]'' :'''Crown Princess''': ''[stops and security detail deploys in a wheel around her]'' Before I go, I must ask you to be truthful with me one more time. When I've made my report to the Emperor, he will ask me one question. And the answer I give... will depend on what you report. :'''Kido''': I understand, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': Can we hold this territory? :'''Kido''': I believe that in time with enough firepower and troops, we can finish these Negro rebels. But the price will be paid with the blood and souls of the sons of Japan. I once felt that any price was worth paying. We can prevail, Crown Princess... but I no longer believe we should. :'''Crown Princess''': I realize what you've just said goes against your every instinct. For that, you have my respect, ''Tai-sa.'' Rest assured, I will bring your message to the Emperor. ''[Kido bows and the team ushers her to her limo]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emperor Hirohito makes an [[w:Jewel_Voice_Broadcast|address]]]'' :'''[[w:Emperor Showa|Emperor Hirohito]]''': ''[in Japanese with English translator voiceover]'' To our good and loyal subjects, after pondering the general trends of the world, and conditions obtaining in our Empire today, I am effecting a settlement of the present situation by resorting to an extraordinary measure. We declared war on America to ensure Japan's self-preservation, it being far from our thought to infringe on the sovereignty of other nations or to embark upon territorial aggrandizement. Our North American Occupation has lasted for nearly 20 years. Despite the best that has been done by everyone, the gallant efforts of our military and naval forces, continuing occupation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage. Should we continue to devote our precious resources to occupying the Japanese Pacific States, it would threaten the protection of the Japanese homeland. This is the reason I have ordered the strategic withdrawal of our occupying forces from the JPS. I am keenly aware of the inmost feelings of all of you, my subjects. However, I have resolved to redeploy our awesome might and manpower from our North American territories to the front lines of the escalating Asian conflict. Let our entire nation continue as one family, ever firm in its faith of the imperishableness of our Imperial State. ===''Hitler has Only got One Ball'' [4.8]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido has a toast with the surviving'' Kempeitai ''staff who will join the Japanese evacuation]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': I look around at all your young faces. Well, some not so young anymore. So many young men have come through this department. Not all of them will be going home to Japan today. I was a hard boss. I know. I demanded everything of my men. I rarely gave praise. There were young men who died at my command trying to please me. And even as they died in my arms, I offered no kind word. So, I will say it now. You make me proud. Each one of you. ''[offers toast and bows] Okuro! [they all drink and Kido dons his glasses]'' Now... go to the docks and sail back home. Your families miss you terribly. Do not keep them waiting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smith visits Aberndsen after he discovers Caroline committed suicide]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': I'm sorry this happened, Aberndsen. :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': You're the reason it happened, John. She knew there was no other way to escape a life sentence. :'''Smith''': It didn't have to be a life sentence. If you just cooperated, you could've had your freedom. :'''Aberndsen''': What the hell do you know about freedom? :'''Smith''': Come on. :'''Aberndsen''': What's it gonna take to kill me, John? What do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Oh, I'm not gonna let you die. :'''Aberndsen''': Yeah. We'll see about that. You keep coming to me for answers, well, here's the last answer you're ever getting from me: you're cursed. John Smith, you're damned. You fucked with the Fates, and they don't like that. You'll never know peace, John. ''[as Smith leaves]'' You'll wander forever between the worlds lost! LOST!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bell Mallory and the BCR forces storm the now-empty Japanese Authority office, but sees a figure smoking at the governor-general's table while music is played]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': Who are you? :'''Man''': My name is Okami. :'''Mallory''': The BCR has claimed this place in the name of the people of San Francisco. You'd do well to be on the next ship out of here. :'''Okami''': ''[nurses cigarette, but puts it down]'' We're not going anywhere. :'''Mallory''': "We"? :'''Okami''': The services we provide are always in demand. No matter who occupies the throne. :'''Elijah''': ''Gokudo''. Yakuza. :'''Mallory''': You have no place in San Francisco anymore. :'''Okami''': You're going to need us. To restore electricity. Water. The oil pipeline. ''[calmly stands up]'' It's one thing to overthrow a government. It's another thing to ''be'' the government. :'''Mallory''': We've come this far. We don't need you. :'''Okami''': ''[walks to the door but politely bows to Mallory as everybody has their guns aimed at him. takes one last look]'' You know how to find us. ''[leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Whitcroft has played for Smith a sampling of ARBI Director J Edgar Hoover's plans for universal surveillance]'' :'''Bill Whitcroft''': ''[turns off tape]'' There's more, John. Your housekeeper, your wife's friends, your old neighbors. If you had a dog, he would be informing on you. I don't have to tell you they mean to use all this against you in Berlin. There's, um another way. :'''John Smith''': What's that? :'''Whitcroft''': You know I'm loyal to you above all. All right, it's been 25 years - :'''Smith''': Just say it, Bill. :'''Whitcroft''': We have 103 nukes in silos across the country. On our own we are a superpower. We could go our own way, John. Our military will fall in behind you. We tear up that flag, there's nothing Berlin can do about it. Unless they wanted World War III. :'''Smith''': You realize you could be shot for saying that? :'''Whitcroft''': I'm willing to take that chance. Look, I'll follow you wherever you go. :'''Smith''': I have to go to Berlin, Bill. If anything should happen to me, then, uh Helen and the girls need to be taken to safety without delay. :'''Whitcroft''': Of course. :'''Smith''': I've made detailed plans for their well-being. They're in my safe. ''[gives key]'' This is the key. :'''Whitcroft''': You don't have to do this, John. :'''Smith''': I think we both know that's not true. ===''For Want of a Nail'' [4.9]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido wakes up to Empire TV-San Francisco's farewell broadcast]'' :'''ETV Announcer''': ''[in Japanese]'' Soon, the last ship leaves for Japan and with it the life we have made here. This concludes the final broadcast of Empire TV San Francisco. Farewell. Long live the Emperor! ''[Cut to Rising Sun flag and [[w:Kimigayo|Kimigayo]] as background music.]'' :'''Kido''': ''[tries to sing along]'' Continue for a thousand, eight thousand generations, until the pebbles... ''[simply listens until the end]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido suddenly has visions of watching a Nippon Professional Baseball game... with his son Toru as a child]'' :'''Toru Kido''': Okudaira was a good trade for Yanaihara. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Okudaira? :'''Toru''': Aren't you going to eat your manju? :'''Takeshi''': You can have it. :'''Toru''': Coach Egawa says he may move me to shortstop next season. :'''Takeshi''': Shortstop. That is a very important position. Very demanding. You must have impressed Coach Egawa. :'''Toru''': ''[watches match]'' Ground ball to second. :'''Takeshi''': Out at first. :'''Toru''': Someday, I want to grow up and play shortstop for the [[w:Yomiuri Giants|Yomiuri Giants]]. :'''Takeshi''': Do not let your imagination run away with you. :'''Toru''': Of course. :'''Takeshi''': You will serve in the army. :'''Toru''': ''[glumly]'' I'm sorry, Father. :'''Takeshi''': ''[looks in the distance]'' If you work hard enough, you will become a fine ballplayer. We will go to the park and practice fielding ground balls. ''[looks back at Toru]'' How does that sound - ? ''[but sees Toru is no longer there]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The OKW discuss attacking the former Japanese Pacific States with a full combined ground and air assault]'' :'''SS Oberstgruppenfuhrer Adolf Eichmann''': ''[in German, details animation in map]'' The conquest of the North American West will unfold in stages. First, the Luftwaffe will disable critical command-and-control infrastructure and carpet-bomb population centers. San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, and so on. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Forgive me, General how much value to the Reich will these cities have if they're reduced to rubble? :'''Eichmann''': ''[in English]'' The aerial assault will break the will of the population. Next, our Panzer divisions will cross the border from the Neutral Zone in a blitzkrieg strike. Supported by our Wehrmacht battalions, we will have control of the West Coast within a week. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Smith. You are a skeptic? :'''Smith''': Invading the West is one thing, ''[to Himmler, nodding respectfully] Mein Fuhrer''. Holding it is another. :'''Eichmann''': The BCR are crude savages. They rely on animal instinct. :'''Smith''': That's what the Japanese thought. :'''Eichmann''': We use different methods, ''Reichsmarschall'', and they have never failed to achieve results, as you know. :'''Smith''': Yes. :'''Himmler''': The question is not whether or how or when, Smith. For that is our destiny. The question is ''who''. Who will lead the conquest of North America? A prize second only to Europa herself. Do you really believe that you deserve it, Smith? Or should I bestow it on someone else? ''[points]'' Eichmann, perhaps? Or Goertzmann? :'''Eichmann''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', perhaps this duty can only be entrusted to a member of the German ''Herrenvolk''. :'''Himmler''': What do you say to that, Smith? :'''Smith''': I disagree. :'''Himmler''': That is all? :'''Smith''': ''[stands up]'' America is a rebel nation, ''[nods] mein Fuhrer''. A German commander might - if you'll forgive me - promote unrest in the military. Only an American can truly control it. :'''Himmler''': But you do not control America, Smith. Rebellion is rampant, and I have a bullet wound to prove it! :'''Eichmann''': Is the problem that he can't control America? Or is it that he won't? :'''Smith''': What are you insinuating, Eichmann? :'''Himmler''': He is asking where your true loyalties lie, Smith. And I have been wondering the same thing myself. But tonight, at last, we are all going to learn the truth about John Smith. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Himmler talks to John Smith about J Edgar Hoover's revelations of him]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[takes a drink]'' When a man gets to be my age, he needs a son. I thought of you as that son, John. I saw myself in you. If anyone had hurt you, shot you, as those assassins did me, I would have hunted them down and strangled them with my bare hands. But you did nothing to avenge me. Where's the tribute to the man who gave you everything? When did you even visit me when I was sick? Nothing. ''[Smith is blank]'' Say something, Smith. If not for yourself, then for your family. Say something in your defense!! :'''Smith''': What can I say, ''mein Fuhrer''? You're... You're right. I never loved you. I never saw you as a, a father. I saw you as a, a petty little tyrant. You're a mediocre man. ''[sees Himmler coughing at the words and retreats to his oxygen tank]'' A failed chicken farmer. The very thought that you see yourself in me, it sickens me. ''[Himmler inhales from the tank, but upon noticing something different, Smith makes him breathe the gas in until he dies. Smith turns off the oxygen tank, which is actually a tank of Zyklon B.]'' ===''Fire from the Gods'' [4.10]=== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Production director''': Okay, quiet, everyone. Cameras rolling. We go live in five... four... :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the ''Reichsfuhrer'' of North America. :'''Reichsfuhrer John Smith''': My fellow Americans. The last few days have been difficult for us all. Heinrich Himmler was a father to our people. We mourn his loss. But with his passing comes an opportunity for rebirth and renewal. A change has come to the Western states, and with it, a chance to take our divided land and bring it back together. A great transformation is coming. Soon, we will be one nation again. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and her daughters have just watched Bell Mallory's pirate broadcast from the former Empire TV San Francisco studios. Jennifer is moved]'' :'''Jennifer Smith''': Amy, go to your room. :'''Amy Smith''': You're not my mother, you can't tell me to go to my room. :'''Jennifer''': You don't want to hear this. :'''Helen Smith''': ''[ushers Amy]'' Sweetheart. It's, it's time for bed. Come on, I'll tuck you in in a minute. :'''Jennifer''': It was you. You and Daddy. You killed them. :'''Helen''': Killed who? :'''Jennifer''': The Negroes, the Jews, all those people. What happened to them? :'''Helen''': Oh. :'''Jennifer''': I need to hear it from you. :'''Helen''': Okay, uh, they, they they sent them to camps. :'''Jennifer''': And what did they do in the camps? :'''Helen''': They forced them to work. :'''Jennifer''': Then what? Where are they now? :'''Helen''': They're gone. They killed them. :'''Jennifer''': And you and Daddy were a part of it. :'''Helen''': Yes. Yes, we were. It It was a different time. We felt like our world... It had just ended, it was a decision that we made for one day that led to 20 years. :'''Jennifer''': You could have escaped to the Neutral Zone. :'''Helen''': Yeah, we could have, yes. But we didn't. :'''Jennifer''': So you joined the Party instead. Daddy was in the SS. :'''Helen''': I did it because I well, I believed in it. Not at first, but later I-I - I believed in all of it. :'''Jennifer''': The camps where they killed - the Jews and the Negroes? :'''Helen''': All of it. All of it. They told us it was necessary. I didn't ask any questions. I didn't even think about those people until... oh... ''[gets emotional]'' Until we became those people. :'''Jennifer''': You got all this. :'''Helen''': We didn't do it for this. We did it to keep you alive. :'''Jennifer''': You didn't keep Thomas alive, did you? :'''Helen''': Oh, God, Jennifer, don't you think that I know that? :'''Jennifer''': They took him away. :'''Helen''': I am begging you, please, please, please. :'''Jennifer''': They poisoned him! :'''Helen''': Don't, don't do this. :'''Jennifer''': He was my brother! I loved him too! Ye- I know how you must see us, but everything we have was bought with other people's lives. :'''Helen''': You were our children. Our babies. :'''Jennifer''': How many were there? In America? In Europe, in Africa, how many? :'''Helen''': I-I don't - I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': And they're gonna do it all over again, aren't they? And Daddy's gonna be in charge, isn't he? :'''Helen''': I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': I don't ever want to be like you. :'''Helen''': You shouldn't have to be. ''[Jennifer storms out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has agreed to join the Ninkyo Dantai Yakuza to save his son, and is seeing him off on a trawler bound for Japan]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': ''[tries to talk to Toru but sees Yakuza man in earshot]'' Tell me, in the ''gokudo'', do I outrank you? :'''Yakuza member''': Yes, ''saiko-komon''. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Then go away. ''[man leaves. to Toru]'' There are things that must be said. :'''Toru Kido''': You don't have to- :'''Takeshi''': I have failed you as a father. The first duty of a parent is to protect his child. :'''Toru''': Stop. :'''Takeshi''': Let me finish. I never showed my true affection for you. I have so many regrets. I can only say that you will always be my son. :'''Toru''': Come home with me. The invasion will begin soon. :'''Takeshi''': There is no going back. I have much to atone for, and I must start here. :'''Toru''': ''[in Japanese] Goodbye, father. [boards ship. As the ship leaves, Toru salutes his father one last time]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith admits being contacted by the Resistance and John confirms the existence of another Thomas]'' :'''Helen Smith''': This, this portal you're talking about I-I mean, what? :'''John Smith''': You've seen it yourself, Helen. You've seen the movies. Well, I've been there. He's alive. :'''Helen''': I have had that fantasy so many times, but it's just that, John, it's a fantasy. :'''John''': No. :'''Helen''': He's not - :'''John''': ''[sits down and clasps her hands]'' I've seen him. Helen, I've seen our beautiful boy. He's real. He's real as you and me. I want you to - I want you to have the same thing I had, Helen, I want you to see him yourself. :'''Helen''': ''[emotional]'' Well, of course I want that, but - :'''John''': He's not sick, he's healthy, he's strong. He's doing so well. He's - There is a [[Vietnam War|war]], and he has enlisted. He is so much like our Thomas. :'''Helen''': Uh, but he's-he's not. He's not our Thomas. :'''John''': I can see what's gonna happen. Helen, he's gonna die all over again unless we do something. We can save him. :'''Helen''': How? :'''John''': We can bring him home. :'''Helen''': ''[surprised at the idea]'' You want to bring this boy here? As what, as a-a prisoner? :'''John''': Now, I've struggled with that. I know it's not gonna be easy, but, uh, I don't think we have any choice. I can't lose him again. He's gonna hate us, but he's gonna be alive, and I can live with that. :'''Helen''': Well, I can't, I can't. I can't live with that. :'''John''': When you see him again, you're gonna change your mind. :'''Helen''': No. ''[stands up]'' :'''John''': Helen - :'''Helen''': No, No! Thomas is dead. Amy isn't ours anymore. Her mind belongs to the state, and Jennifer, well, Jennifer has rejected us. We had three chances and we wasted them all. :'''John''': That-that's where you're wrong, Helen. :'''Helen''': If there is a better version of me out there somewhere, I want her to have my son, because you and I, we don't deserve to have a child. :'''John''': You're saying you have a chance to see your son again and you're not gonna take it? :'''Helen''': I wouldn't want him to see what we have become. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana chances upon John Smith at a clifftop just outside the Poconos portal base]'' :'''John Smith''': ''[sees Juliana]'' There you are. We've seen things... you and me. Other worlds. Other lives. We, we have that in common. It's unbearable. To be able to look through that door and glimpse all the people you could have been. And to know that out of all of them, this is the one you became. ''[commits suicide]'' == Cast == * [[w:Alexa Davalos|Alexa Davalos]] — Juliana Crain * [[w:Rufus Sewell|Rufus Sewell]] — John Smith * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Hawthorne Aberndsen * [[w:Rupert Evans|Rupert Evans]] — Frank Frink * [[w:Luke Kleintank|Luke Kleintank]] — Joe Blake * [[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] — Ed McCarthy * [[w:Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa|Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa]] — Nobusuke Tagomi * [[w:Brennan Brown|Brennan Brown]] - Robert Childan * [[w:Joel de la Fuente|Joel de la Fuente]] — Chief Inspector Kido * [[w:Carsten Norgaard|Carsten Norgaard]] — Rudolph Wegener * [[w:Rick Worthy|Rick Worthy]] — Lemuel "Lem" Washington == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=1740299|title=The Man in the High Castle}} * [http://www.tv.com/shows/the-man-in-the-high-castle/ ''The Man in the High Castle''] at [[w:TV.com|TV.com]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Man in the High Castle, The}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Alternate history TV shows]] [[Category:Amazon shows]] [[Category:Nazis in television]] [[Category:Dystopian TV shows]] syn7cklzcwg5vfqnfv4apfekxwxylvp 3155734 3155733 2022-08-18T02:01:27Z Eaglestorm 16205 /* Season 4 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Man in the High Castle (TV series)|The Man in the High Castle]]''''' (2015–2019) is an American dystopian alternative history television series, released by [[w:Amazon Video|Amazon Video]], loosely based on the [[w:The Man in the High Castle|1962 novel]] of the same name by American science fiction author [[Philip K. Dick]]. The story is an alternative history of the world in which the [[w:Hypothetical Axis victory in World War II|Axis powers won World War II]]. The former United States has been partitioned into three sections: the Japanese Pacific States, which mostly comprises the West Coast; the American Reich, a Nazi puppet state that encompasses the eastern half plus some Midwest states; and a Neutral Zone of parts of former US states in the Rocky Mountains. == Season 1 == === ''The New World'' [1.01] === :''[Don Warren talks to Joe Blake about working at the shop]'' :'''Don Warren''': You know what those brownshirts out there would do if they caught you? ''[referring to SD officers in security camera footage]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm not afraid to die. :'''Don Warren''': Me, either. Might be a relief, actually. But how you feel about pain? :'''Joe Blake''': Pain? :'''Don Warren''': Yeah. When they're plucking your fingernails out one by one, or they're cracking your balls open like walnuts. That's when maybe you stop caring about what your old man said and tell Johnny Jackboot out there my name, or just about anything else he wants. :'''Joe Blake''': You're so afraid, why are you here? :'''Don Warren''': I fought in the war, kid. I saw my buddies' brains get blown out on Virginia Beach. You... You're just a punk who could get me caught. :'''Joe Blake''': Yeah, I guess I'm afraid of pain. I don't have any buddies who died in the war. I don't really know what freedom is. But I'm not a punk and I'm not a spy, Mr. Warren. I'm here because I want to do the right thing. So you gonna give me the job or not? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Blake asks about the police officer's tattoo of a knife through a flower]'' :'''Police officer''': Oh? A soldier so fierce he’d kill a rose. :'''Joe Blake''': That was you? :'''Police officer''': A long time ago. We lost the war didn’t we? Now I can’t even remember what we were fighting for. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[noticing ashes falling like snowflakes]'' What is that? :'''Police Officer''': Oh, that's the hospital. :'''Blake''': The hospital? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, Tuesdays, they burn cripples...the terminally ill. Drag on the state. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frank Frink''': Hey, what ''is'' this? :'''Juliana Crain''': It's newsreel film. :'''Frink''': Yeah, I see that. :'''Crain''': It shows us winning the war. :'''Frink''': But we didn't win the war. :'''Crain''': That's what they told us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe Blake''': ''[on the phone]'' Hey, it's me. :'''John Smith''': How was your journey? :'''Blake''': No one stopped me. :'''Smith''': Then your cover's intact. I'll tell your father, Joe. I know he'll be very proud. :'''Blake''': Thank you, ''Obergruppenfuhrer''. I hope so. :'''Smith''': Heil Hitler. :'''Blake''': Heil Hitler. === ''Sunrise'' [1.02] === :''[Over breakfast, John Smith talks to Thomas about a certain bully in school and why Thomas is studying at the table]'' :'''John Smith''': Why do you want to succeed, son? Why do you want to do well in school? :'''Thomas Smith''': To make my family proud. To bring honor to my school. To serve my country. :'''John''': Your goals are directed outward. A boy like Randolph wants only to gratify himself. This is the path to moral decay. The decadence ruined this country before the war. You will grow to be a useful member of society. You will make our nation stronger. Randolph will not, whatever his test score. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': It takes a lot of effort not to be free-- keeping your head down, holding your tongue. <hr width=50%> :'''Lawrence''': We wipe them out, yet they keep coming back like lice. :'''John Smith''': Lice don't assassinate Nazi officers. :'''Lawrence''': I only meant-- :'''Smith''': It may reassure you to liken terrorists to insects, but they inflicted great damage on us today. Never underestimate them. <hr width=50%> :'''Randall Becker''': This ends only when people like us refuse to obey, no matter the cost. <hr width=50%> :'''Frank Frink''': I-- I'm free to go? I am free to go? :'''Kido''': You have suffered enough, and I am not a monster. :'''Frink''': If you ever need any more Jews to kill, you know where to find me. :'''Kido''': Yes. I do. === ''The Illustrated Woman'' [1.03] === :'''The Marshal''': What is that smell in here? How would you describe it? :'''Carl''': I couldn't say. :'''The Marshal''': Hmm. You couldn't say. You probably spend so much time in here, you don't notice. The old books. They got the stink of their owner. Cigarettes and coffee, cat piss, smell of decay. <hr width=50%> :''[The Japanese Crown Princess sees the Crown Prince looking disturbed]'' :'''[[w:Empress Michiko|Crown Princess]]''': What is troubling, you my prince? :'''[[w:Akihito|Crown Prince]]''': This visit is false. We are false. :'''Crown Princess''': How false? Your father is the Emperor. As one day you shall be. :'''Crown Prince''': My father allowed his generals to use his throne as a shield for their ambition. We merely preside over its undoing. :'''Crown Princess''': Surely it is not so bad as that. :'''Crown Prince''': ''[sternly at her]'' I'm worried about the Nazis. Don't you see? We travel on ocean liners, they travel on rocket ships. A stark difference in technology. We are but an island nation losing our grip on our colonies while the Nazis tighten theirs. === ''Revelations'' [1.04] === :'''Juliana Crain''': Have you seen the films? :'''Lem Washington''': It's not my job to see them. I just pass them along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Juliana Crain''': I'm not here to kill Nazis. I'm here because I need answers, and I'm not leaving until I get them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Frink is dealing with antique shop owner Robert Childan, who's not too pleased that Frink just scared off a Japanese couple]'' :'''Frank Frink''': ''[given three rounds for his Colt45 revolver]'' Only three? :'''Robert Childan''': This is an antique store, not an armory, and I can't guarantee they'll fire. They're 100 yen apiece. :'''Frink''': ''[gives yen notes]'' 300. ''[sees Childan write in a logbook]'' What is that? :'''Childan''': I'm required by law to keep a registry of all sales of restricted items. So these bullets were purchased by Mr. Satoshi Matsuda, a collector on his way back to Tibet. But I will need to see your identity card on the chance I need to revisit this matter with you, and that is non-negotiable. :'''Frink''': All right, all right. Come on. :'''Childan''': I suggest you work on your patience, Mr. Frink. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Japanese Crown Prince graces the crowd, with an American interpreter close by]'' :'''Crown Prince of Japan''': Greetings, loyal subjects. Honored guests from the Nazi Reich. And people of the American Territories, or, as they like to say here...Howdy. ''[crowd laughs at the greeting]'' All those who fought in the Great War believed they fought on the side of righteousness, that the world they sought to build would be a better one. But men are mortal and imperfect. They see the world as they wish to see it, through the looking glass of their limited perspective. === ''The New Normal'' [1.05] === :''[John Smith has browbeaten Joe Blake over the failure of his Canon City mission]'' :'''John Smith''': Do you know why you failed? You are one component in a complex machine that only works if every part does exactly what it's supposed to do in sync with the whole. Now, if you decide, without knowing what the other components are doing, to simply go your own way, eventually that machine is going to break down. Don't ever disobey a direct order from me again, Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido visits Trade Minister Tagomi]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Ah. Inspector, please. ''[ushers to seats]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': No, thank you, Trade Minister. I will not stay long. :'''Tagomi''': I appreciate you coming at such a busy time. :'''Kido''': What could we not discuss on the telephone? :'''Tagomi''': I felt it correct to speak in person. Guests of the Ministry have asked when their passports would be returned. I assured them I would inquire. :'''Kido''': As soon as their identities are verified and their reasons for being in the Pacific States, all of their documents will be returned. :'''Tagomi''': How long do you estimate it will take? :'''Kido''': I offer no estimate. You met with a foreign visitor at his hotel this morning. :'''Tagomi''': I met with several guests. They're honorable businessmen, not assassins. Their time is valuable. :'''Kido''': All of our time is valuable. :'''Tagomi''': I understand what is at stake. :'''Kido''': Do you? :'''Tagomi''': I was with the Royal Couple. So yes, I believe I do. :'''Kido''': Then no doubt you will understand why I must disappoint you, Trade Minister. I am sorry, but in this instance there will be no exceptions. ''[bows and leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain tries to apply for work at the Japanese Authority office, but the personnel director, Mr Eto, thinks differently]'' :'''Mr Eto''': There may be a role you are suited to, subject to references, here in personnel. Alongside your other work, it would involve undertaking certain personal services as and when I require them. :'''Juliana Crain''': What kind of services? :'''Eto''': You wish to work here? :'''Crain''': Yes, sir. :'''Eto''': It is an honor for a girl like you to be employed here. :'''Crain''': I know that, sir. :'''Eto''': It is not for you to question your duties. You simply do. ''[tries to unzip his pants]'' Do you want the job or not? === ''Three Monkeys'' [1.06] === :''[Having been accepted to work in the Japanese Authority office, Juliana Crain is shown around by Tagomi's aide-de-camp Kotomichi]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Mr. Tagomi expects complete loyalty and discretion. You will not speak of anything you hear or see, and you will not leave this level without my express permission. This is a government building, Miss Crain, patrolled by armed soldiers. Do not go anywhere without prior authorization. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You find yourself a good woman Joe. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': And until then, find as many bad ones as possible. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Smith''': You must trust the woman in your life, with your life, Joe! === ''Truth'' [1.07] === :''[Arnold Walker and Juliana Crain talk at a diner over why they are working at the Japanese Authority Building]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': What the hell do you think you're doing snooping around the Nippon Building? ''[to waiter]'' Two coffees, please. :'''Juliana Crain''': I could say the same to you. :'''Walker''': What choice do you think I had? I had a family to support. How do you think I kept all of you safe? I swallowed my pride, and I did what I had to do. Did you have any idea that your sister was involved with these insurgents? I heard her on the wire. So did all the other listeners. I had to throw myself on the mercy of...Our benevolent employers. I had to identify her. I told them she was a kid. I told them she was my kid. I mean, hell, I worked for them for 16 years. It's got to be worth something. :'''Crain''': Sixteen years? :'''Walker''': Did you know she had a film? :'''Crain''': She did. And now there's another one. :'''Walker''': Juliana, you listen to me very carefully. You cannot get involved in this. :'''Crain''': There's something different about this one, isn't there? :'''Walker''': I don't know what it is, but I can tell you they got us working around the clock trying to find it. They screamed at me so loud, I thought they were going to shoot us both. But everything I said checked out, so they let her and that idiot boyfriend of hers escape to the Neutral Zone. And thank God, Juliana, because if anything happened to Trudy...I'd be finished. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith talks to Joe Blake about his latest call to Juliana Crain]'' :'''John Smith''': You think she knows more about the film than she's saying? :'''Joe Blake''': Yes. Absolutely. Sorry. She just said it was different, sir. Different to the others. :'''Smith''': What's your feeling, Joe? Do you think that she can get to it on her own, using her contacts there? :'''Blake''': Maybe. I don't know. :'''Smith''': Perhaps you're going to have to help her. You're going on another trip, Joe, and you'd better hope you find that film. You call in every day. Tell me everyone you meet, every little detail, everything. No omissions, no mistakes. I noticed yesterday you were very good with my little girls. Is that because of... Buddy? ''[Blake is quiet at the other end of the line]'' Heil Hitler, hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robert Childan is not too pleased to see Frank Frink propose to him about selling fake antique guns]'' :'''Robert Childan''': I'm not an arms supplier, pal. I sell antiques, authentic items only, and fake guns aren't my thing. ''[has an idea]'' Tell me something, Frink-san, how good a craftsman are you? I mean, seriously, how good? :'''Frank Frink''': I'm good. Real good. :'''Childan''': Could you make this? ''[shows an issue of'' Collect Americana ''magazine with an image of [[Sitting Bull]]'s necklace]'' Because I've got a chump lined up to buy it. ''[Frink looks at the image]'' Japanese. Their brains are different. I'm sure they eat from English bone china, and they listen to Negro music, but it's all just on the surface, ersatz as the day is long. Condescending bastards look down on me. Here. Look at this. ''[shows Zippos]'' Two Zippo lighters. Yeah. Look the same, don't they? Go ahead, hold them. ''[Frink holds lighters]'' One of them has "historicity" in it. :'''Frink''': What the fuck is that? :'''Childan''': It's worth 100,000 yen on a collector's market. Don't you feel it? :'''Frink''': 100,000? :'''Childan''': One of those two Zippo lighters was in Franklin D. Roosevelt's pocket the day he was assassinated, so it's got historicity as much as any object ever had. And the other one has nothing. :'''Frink''': That's your point? It's all a giant racket? :'''Childan''': And they're playing it on themselves. I mean, a gun goes through a famous battle, and it's just the same as if it hadn't unless you know. It's all in here, ''[points to nape]'' in the mind. So who's to say our jeweled choker isn't Sitting Bull's original? :'''Frink''': All right, so which one is it? :'''Childan''': This one. :'''Frink''': Won't he spot that it's a fake? :'''Childan''': The man's already got a forgery in his esteemed collection: pistol aged by an acid chemical. He can't distinguish what's fake from what's real. :'''Frink''': Let's screw him over. 80,000 yen split two ways. :'''Childan''': Just make sure it looks good enough. :'''Frink''': 60-40. I got materials to cover. === ''End of the World'' [1.08] === :''[John Smith talks to Dr Adler at his office over Thomas' latest consultation]'' :'''Dr Adler''': Um... this, um... this won't be easy for you to hear. Thomas didn't just pull a muscle wrestling, ''Obergruppenführer''. He had a tremor. :'''John Smith''': A tremor? :'''Adler''': I wish I could tell you that it was just growing pains, but your son has a serious disease. [[w:Facioscapulohumeral_muscular_dystrophy|Landouzy-Dejerine syndrome]]. The symptoms, vague at first, are loss of coordination, weakness in the arms, difficulty hearing... :'''Smith''': That's... That's nonsense. My son is the picture of health. :'''Adler''': I'm afraid he isn't. Within months, perhaps a year, there will be paralysis. :'''Smith''': That's a mistake, doctor. You're making a mistake. :'''Adler''': I would never tell you this were I not certain. He scored 10 out of 10 on the indicators in the [[w:Rudolf_Brandt|Brandt]]-[[w:Wolfram_Sievers|Sievers]] nerve test. :'''Smith''': Okay. So what's the... What's the treatment? :'''Adler''': ''Obergruppenführer'', we're talking about a Class A congenital disorder. There is no treatment. :'''Smith''': What do you mean, there is no treatment? No, I'm not accepting that, no. There's got to be some other tests you can run. I want a second opinion. :'''Adler''': You have the option, but you should be aware that if he is submitted to others for examination, this becomes an institutional issue. :'''Smith''': Oh, I see. :'''Adler''': Yes, of course. By virtue of your position, I feel what must be done can be done in the kinder setting of your home. I will hold your son's file outside the system, give you the time you need. As for, uh, medical assistance... ''[opens case]'' a syringe and an ampule of an effective combination: morphine, scopolamine, and Prussic acid. Absolutely painless. If you like, I can show you how to locate a vein in the back of the hand. === ''Kindness'' [1.09] === :''[Reinhard Heydrich visits Rudolph Wegener at his suite]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': Colonel. You look rested. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': Hardly. :'''Heydrich''': You've had time to reflect on your situation. :'''Wegener''': I have. This is a list of names, not just my wife and children, but her father and the rest of her family. :'''Heydrich''': Ten lives in exchange for yours. :'''Wegener''': That's the deal. :'''Heydrich''': You need not worry, Colonel. Come. You have a rocket to board. :'''Wegener''': Where am I going? :'''Heydrich''': Berlin. :'''Wegener''': What is it you expect me to do there? :'''Heydrich''': I thought it was obvious, Colonel. The Führer is old and ill, standing in the way of the empire he built. :'''Wegener''': Am I meant to talk to him? :'''Heydrich''': No, Colonel Wegener. You're meant to ''kill him''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith sees Heydrich talking to his family]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': The duty of maintaining order is never as thrilling as the challenge of establishing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yakuza'' oyabun ''Taishi Okamura meets Chief Insp Kido]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': We are looking for the man who killed your guards, but I assume that's not why you asked me here. :'''Taishi Okamura''': You impounded heroin at the docks this afternoon. Am I to conclude that this was in retaliation? :'''Kido''': You may conclude as you wish. :'''Okamura''': Such behavior is futile, Chief Inspector. The Yakuza cannot be destroyed any more than the sun can destroy the shade. This has been understood in our homeland for centuries. I cannot destroy the shadows you cast, but I can and will contain it. :'''Kido''': That is my duty. :'''Okamura''': Just as it is your duty to arrest the man who shot the Crown Prince. I'm told if you do not make an arrest by tomorrow, Tokyo demands that you commit seppuku. :'''Kido''': No one need remind me of my duty. I have a suspect close at hand. :'''Okamura''': You mean that ''hakujin''? The one who works in the replica factory? The real assassin fired from a clock tower with a sniper's rifle. Your so-called inconclusive ballistics report told you as much. :'''Kido''': What's your point? :'''Okamura''': I believe you have pursued a false suspect to disguise a truth you have known from the start - that the assassin is a Nazi agent. If it were known that a Nazi fired at our Prince, that would be an act of war, a war many in the Reich would be happy to see but one our empire would almost certainly lose. :'''Kido''': I do not deny your accusation, nor will I confirm it. :'''Okamura''': I don't need you to, Chief Inspector. You see, I have the name of the assassin, the real assassin. :'''Kido''': Name your price. :'''Okamura''': My price cannot be paid with money, Chief Inspector, but it is very, very high. === ''A Way Out'' [1.10] === :''[Chief Inspector Kido and Sgt Yoshida police the room of the now-dead SS sniper pinned in the Crown Prince assassination]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Go through his desk. Anything official must be destroyed. :'''Hiroyuki Yoshida''': I do not understand, sir. :'''Kido''': I think you do, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': What is this man's crime? :'''Kido''': The shooting of the Crown Prince. :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' But we've been pursuing Frank Frink. :'''Kido''': The witness said Frank never discharged his weapon. :'''Yoshida''': Then why not arrest and interrogate this man? :'''Kido''': Because that is exactly what the Nazis would want us to do. There'd be war. A war that currently our Empire cannot win. Nobody must ever know about this, Sergeant. :'''Yoshida''': But if Frink is gone and we cannot report the capture of the real assassin, how can Tokyo be satisfied? :'''Kido''': Whatever sacrifice is necessary. That is my burden alone, and I shall carry it. Yours is to remain silent and to act as my ''Kaishaku-nin''. Now do you understand, Yoshida-san? :'''Yoshida''': ''Hai.'' :'''Kido''': The desk. ''[Yoshida works on it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener talks to his children one more time with his ex-wife Katharina present]'' :'''Rudolph Wegener''': ''[in German, as he embraces and carries Otto]'' It is far from easy to be a good man. In fact, as one gets older, it becomes more and more difficult to know... what a good man is. Yet it also becomes increasingly important... ''[looks at Katharina]'' to at least try. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reinhard Heydrich and his adjutant trap John Smith at a log cabin]'' :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': ''[as he prepares coffee]'' What is the power of the films? Do you know why the Führer prizes them so highly? :'''John Smith''': You'd have to address any questions on that subject to the Führer himself. :'''Heydrich''': The Führer is a spent force, John. We both know that. I don't believe for a second that sharing the land of your birth with the Japanese sits well with you. :'''Smith''': I'm sure the Führer has his reasons. :'''Heydrich''': Loyalty is an overrated virtue, John, championed by the bovine, dignified by the weak to justify their weakness. It's certainly not worthy of you. :'''Smith''': Neither is betrayal. :'''Heydrich''': Ultimately, John, we owe our hearts and our minds not to any one man but to an idea, and that idea is under threat. It is up to the best of us to step forward now as both the Führer and nature demands. The strong must overcome the weak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rudolph Wegener comes face-to-face with Adolf Hitler, and has a pistol pointed at him]'' :'''Adolf Hitler''': I know Heydrich sent you to kill me ''[faces Wegener]'' and I don't believe that you are capable of doing it. Of killing anyone, ever again. You were lost, Rudolph, the moment you lost faith in the Reich. Not to me, but to yourself. :'''Rudolph Wegener''': I was lost the moment I committed evil in your name. :'''Hitler''': Killing me might reconcile you with your past, but it will also prompt the people who sent you to attack Japan immediately. You must take responsibility for the one, or the other. :'''Wegener''': I know that the sins are my own. :'''Hitler''': Your only sin is your weakness, but you can still choose to die honorably. You will spare Otto and Klaudia your shame, and I will spare their lives. :'''Wegener''': ''[shaken at Hitler's stipulation]'' God forgive me. == Season 2 == ===''The Tiger's Cave'' [2.1]=== :''[General Onoda addresses fellow Japanese officials]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': Today we enter the tiger's cave. We enter it because two weeks ago, Science Minister Shimura found a capsule in his pocket, and inside the capsule was microfilm smuggled from the Reich Research Council in Berlin. The contents of the microfilm has been confirmed. At long last, we, too, possess the data to build a Heisenberg device. When it is completed, the device must be in range of North American Nazi targets ''[Tagomi tries to listen but temporarily clams up]'' of New York City. This is our moment. We must not hesitate to seize it. <hr width=50%> :''[Hawthorne Aberndsen tries to explain to Juliana the nature of his movies]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': Each one of these films show a reality like ours, but not ours. ... Some of us are just the same. Rotten or kind in one reality, rotten or kind in the next, but most people are different, depending on whether they have food in their belly or they're hungry, safe or scared. So you watch these films. You tell the Resistance what you learn about the people you see and the things. Things that could happen here, too. That's why... That's why the Nazis want these films. Not the Nazis, just old Adolf. That demented bastard's too paranoid to let anyone else see them. <hr width=50%> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi calls up the Wegener household]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Hello. Is that Mrs. Wegener? :'''Katharina Wegener''': Who is this? :'''Tagomi''': This is Tagomi Nobusuke. I met the colonel last year in Stockholm at a trade convention. Would it be possible to speak to him? :'''Wegener''': ''[German]'' My husband... is dead. He ''[cries]'' :'''Tagomi''': Mm... May I ask what happened? :'''Wegener''': They say he shot himself. He was a traitor. :'''Tagomi''': You must know. Your husband died trying to make the world a better place. :'''Wegener''': And did he? Trying is not enough, is it? ''[hangs up]'' ===''The Road Less Traveled'' [2.2]=== :''[Joe Blake appears at a construction site]'' :'''Site Manager''': Well, look what the wind blew in. :'''Joe Blake''': Look, I'm sorry to show up like this, sir, but... things took a little longer than I thought. :'''Site Manager''': Last funeral I went to, the whole thing lasted about an hour. You've been gone best part of three weeks. :'''Blake''': Right. I'm sorry, sir. I'm here now. :'''Site Manager''': And you expected me to keep the forklift open? :'''Blake''': No, not expected, sir. Hoped. :'''Site Manager''': Who the hell do you think you are, Blake? :'''Blake''': I don't think I'm anybody, sir. I just want to show up and do an honest day's work, if you'll let me. :'''Site Manager''': Well, you want to grab a sledgehammer and break concrete, I guess that'll be okay. That honest enough for you? :'''Blake''': Thank you, sir. ''[starts working]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink reads a letter Juliana just left for him]'' :'''Juliana Crain''': Dear Frank, I don't even know if this letter will reach you, but if you are reading this, I'm begging you, please get out of the city now. You might know already that I didn't follow the plan. But I am leaving town now. One day I hope I'll get the chance to explain everything and that you'll understand. You're the kindest, most generous man I've ever met, Frank. I'd given up on everyone and everything, and you put me back on my feet. You brought me back to life one step at a time. Frank. It's okay. I want you to know that my feelings for you were and always will be more real than anything I've ever known. Whatever happens, I don't believe our fate is inevitable. And you shouldn't, either. I don't know if we can change it, but I believe we have to try. You'll always be with me, Frank, and I hope I'll always be with you. ===''Travelers'' [2.3]=== :''[Helen Smith introduces Juliana Crain/Julia Mills to her apartment]'' :'''Helen Smith''': It's cute, isn't it? You're lucky to get one of the singles. Most of the other girls have to share an apartment. :'''Juliana Crain/Julia Mills''': Other girls? :'''Smith''': This is a dormitory for single women. Would you like tea? I made some. :'''Mills''': Yes. Thanks. That's very kind. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': How many other girls live here? :'''Smith''': Uh, there's space for 20 or 30, but I'm not sure how many are here now. Oh. We've thrown some things into the closet for you. There wasn't much time, so I hope they fit. And you'll find some make-up in the bathroom. :'''Mills''': Wow. This is so much more than I could have hoped for. :'''Smith''': Well, it's hard work to... Once you get settled, you'll be expected to join some of the neighborhood committees and the Nazi Women's League. But first you have to pass the ACT. :'''Mills''': What is the ACT? :'''Smith''': The Auxiliary Citizenship Test. That gives you the right to stay in the Reich permanently. You must be exhausted after everything you've been through. :'''Mills''': I am a little. :'''Smith''': Why don't you come by the house tomorrow? Say, 10:00. We can have coffee and get to know each other. :'''Mills''': All right. :'''Smith''': Okay. We're at 5026 Roxboro. I have left a tuna casserole in the fridge for you. But there's a grocer over on von Braun Street if you need anything else. You'll find 50 marks and some change in the desk drawer there. :'''Mills''': You thought of everything. I don't know what to say. :'''Smith''': Well, that's just it. You don't have to say anything.... See, now you're some place where good people actually look out for one another. I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Mills''': Okay. :'''Smith''': Okay. :'''Mills''': Thanks. ''[as Helen goes for the door]'' Wait. What about the key? :'''Smith''': Oh, there isn't one. No one locks their doors around here. <hr width=50%> :''[At a party Reichsminister Heusmann is hosting, Joe Blake is not too pleased at an [[w:Abwehr|Abwehr]] officer casually talking to him about his Pacific States mission]'' :'''Joe Blake''': I'm going home. :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': What happened? :'''Blake''': One of your guests reminded me of who I am and who I'm not. :'''Heusmann''': I don't understand. :'''Blake''': You wouldn't. But I've seen the blood that pays for this champagne. And if you think for a second that it's going to make me forget what you did to my mother... She died poor, by the way. :'''Heusmann''': Josef, I'm not asking you to forget anything. I get it. It was war. You were here. :'''Blake''': We were there. :'''Heusmann''': There's more to the story, son. :'''Blake''': I don't care anymore. :'''Heusmann''': Please. Please stay. :'''Blake''': Is that an order, Reichsminister? Whatever it is you need to tell me to clear your conscience, I don't want to hear it. ===''Escalation'' [2.4]=== :''[Thomas Smith guides Juliana Crain/Julia Mills with reviewing for the Auxiliary Citizenship Test]'' :'''Thomas Smith''': The ACT is made of three parts: Reading, writing, and civics. :'''Juliana Crain''': Okay. I got two out of three. :'''Smith''': Straight to civics, then. First question: From where does justice derive? :'''Crain''': The Reich. :'''Smith''': Yes, but more specifically. :'''Crain''': The Fuhrer? :'''Smith''': Very good. Justice is a divine right guaranteed for all and determined by the Führer, from whom all justice derives. ''[tries to drink milk but is visibly shaken]'' :'''Crain''': Thomas? You all right? :'''Smith''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Next question is about American exterminations before the Reich. :'''Crain''': Exterminations? :'''Smith''': Didn't they ever teach you about the [[w:American Indian Wars|Indians]]? <hr width=50%> :''[Frank Frink brings up the [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar concentration camp]] with camp survivor Sarah Murakami]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Why didn't you tell me about it? :'''Sarah Murakami''': It's just a patch of dirt, really. About ten hours from here. We were relocated there by the U.S. Army. My family and thousands of other Japanese people. American citizens suddenly considered enemy aliens. My dad said, "Sara, one fine day, they'll win, and they'll open that gate." He meant the Japanese Empire. And one fine day, they did win. :'''Frink''': One fine day for you. :'''Murakami''': Yeah. They won. But they looked at us, an all they could see was that we left Japan. We weren't Americans, but we weren't Japanese, either. We were...''hangyakunin''. :'''Frink''': Yeah, traitors. So you hate the Americans. You hate the Pons. Who are you fighting for? :'''Murakami''': I don't hate anyone. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith sees Helen looking distressed]'' :'''Helen Smith''': You know I spent the whole afternoon with Alice. :'''John Smith''': Yeah, you said. She must be... devastated. :'''Helen''': She is. She's devastated. John, I'm going to ask you a question, and I need for you to tell me the truth. :'''John''': Helen. Don't. :'''Helen''': ''[realizes from the tone]'' John, what have you done? :'''John''': Don't ask me any more. :'''Helen''': But wh-why? :'''John''': Look at me. All you need to know is everything I do... everything... I do it for the family, to keep our children safe. :'''Helen''': For the family? Our son is ill. I knew that there was something. :'''John''': Gerry was going to report him. :'''Helen''': But that is no reason for you to... :'''John''': There's no cure. There's no cure. ===''Duck and Cover'' [2.5]=== :''[Frank Frink and Gary Connell visit a gathering in the California forest]'' :'''Frank Frink''': What is this? :'''Gary Connell''': It's a memorial... for Karen. There are people here from the state of Washington, Baja, the Salt Lake. Come on. :'''Man''': As we gather tonight, we remember that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit. Remember too, that we are of good courage and would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord surrounded by the loved ones who went before us. Of course, the Lord can see Karen, even though we cannot. For precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. So let us lay this saint to rest. And let us not linger, children, for the wolves will soon be upon our door. <hr width=50%> :''[Lemuel Washington picks up Hawthorne Aberndsen]'' :'''Lemuel Washington''': You about ready to go, Mr. A? :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': There's a stack inside. Would you bring it out for me, please? :'''Washington''': Don't want to get that nice suit all rumpled up, huh? :'''Aberndsen''': Mm-mm. :'''Washington''': ''[as he picks up a stash of films and puts in the truck]'' There's a... There's a strong smell inside. :'''Aberndsen''': You noticed. :'''Washington''': Like gas. :'''Aberndsen''': That's the smell of leaving, Lem, the smell of moving on. :'''Washington''': What about the rest of them? :'''Aberndsen''': Nothing like a good spring cleaning. ''[lights match that burns down his hideout]'' ===''Kintsugi'' [2.6]=== :''[Helen Smith is uneasy over Thomas being called up for a Hitler Youth trip to South America]'' :'''Helen Smith''': He's not going, John. I will not allow it. I stop breathing the moment Thomas walks out that front door, and I only start again when he is back home. :'''John Smith''': You want to let him go to South America? Helen... :'''Helen''': He will be found out, and you know what that means. :'''John''': Okay. Sit down. Helen, sit down, please. We are going to let him go. Thomas will fly to Buenos Aires, all right? And from there, he's going to travel to meet the others on his expedition, but he's not going to make the rendezvous because, somewhere in the foothills of the Andes, he's going to be kidnapped by Semites. :'''Helen''': You did this. :'''John''': Now, this is going to look like, to the rest of the world, a terrorist act on a high-profile target, but Thomas, he's going to be okay. He'll be safe. :'''Helen''': In South America? :'''John''': He could live for decades, Helen. This way, he's going to be comfortable. He's going to be safe. No one's going to be able to reach him. :'''Helen''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I will personally spearhead the search for him and for his kidnappers. Now, you, of course, will be bereft, as will I, and publicly we'll never give up trying to bring our son home. But ultimately, Helen...we will fail. Now, if you have any questions, you have to ask me now... because, I'm afraid, once you've left this room, we must never talk about this again. :'''Helen''': Will I ever see him again? :'''John''': Maybe, one day. When and if it is safe. It's the only way, Helen. <hr width=50%> :''[In the alternate 1962, its version of Noriyuke Tagomi talks to Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Noriyuke "Nori" Tagomi''': Dad, you know who puts their faith in things like Yarrow Stalks and the i Ching? It's people who don't want to take responsibility for the choices that they've made. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': You're wrong. I take responsibility. :'''Nori''': You need to let Mom move on with her life. You need to sign the papers. :'''Nobusuke''': That is not your business. :'''Nori''': Mom is too polite to say it herself. ===''Land o'Smiles'' [2.7]=== :''[John Smith eulogizes Dr Adler]'' :'''John Smith''': Orator Hanley did ask me to say a few words. ''[clears throat]'' On the subject of Gerry's professional diligence. Uh...but I decided to go another way. When I sat down to think about what I wanted to say about Gerry Adler, I realized it all came down to one thing. The family. Gerry... Gerry was a family man. And I don't just mean his intense pride in his two fine boys and his beautiful wife. Nor am I talking about the fact that, through his work as a doctor, he... He came to be a part of all of our families. No, What I mean is that a man is only ever as strong as the people around him: the community he serves and the family he is sworn to protect. Whatever strength he has, he draws from them. And for them, he must be prepared to give everything. His life for his blood... Or else... Or else everything he has done has been for nothing. He is nothing. Now, if you'll please stand and join me in singing "''[[w:Ich_hatt'_einen_Kameraden|Der gute Kamerad]]''." <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda visits Takeshi Kido]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': I require an explanation for what transpired today. :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': ''Hai, Kakka.'' Taishi Okamura was a traitor. He was Yakuza. And exploiting his position to spy for the Nazis against the Empire. :'''Onoda''': You have evidence of this? :'''Kido''': ''Hai.'' I would not have acted without it. Nor without placing your family in protective custody. :'''Onoda''': I should have been informed at the same time you made those arrangements. :'''Kido''': I apologize, but I had to act quickly. :'''Onoda''': I fear you have been here too long, Kido-''tai'i. [imitating cowboys shooting]'' Too many Westerns. ''[chuckling]'' We have nothing to learn from the ''gaijin''. I admire your decisiveness, particularly in sensitive situations, as with the attempt on the life of His Highness. I will ensure the clan is aware of Okamura's treachery, but hierarchy must be respected. :'''Kido''': Unquestioningly. :'''Onoda''': So... now I know everything? :'''Kido''': ''[bows] Hai, Kakka. [Onoda leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and Juliana Crain/Julia Mills share a toast but talk about Thomas' near-seizure at the funeral]'' :'''Helen Smith''': Thank you for your help today. :'''Juliana Crain''': I was... glad to be a part of it. It's quite something, seeing everyone pull together like that. :'''Smith''': Well, like I told you, this is a place where people look out for each other. ''[serious tone]'' Julia, I don't want there to be any confusion between us. What happened at the church today with Thomas, I don't know what you think you saw, but you're new here and I wanted to make sure you understand how important it is not to jump to any conclusions... because it could be dangerous. :'''Crain''': Helen, what I saw today was a sweet boy... who's been overexerting himself, becoming emotional at the funeral of a close family friend. No confusion. :'''Smith''': Let's drink to that. ===''Loose Lips'' [2.8]=== :''[Joe Blake and Reichsminister Martin Heusmann enter Adolf Hitler's office, but Hitler is nowhere to be found]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Where's the Führer? :'''Reichsminister Martin Heusmann''': The Führer... is in a coma. The doctors say it is unlikely he will recover. Until the Party meets and selects his successor, the Führer had ordered that I be named acting chancellor. Trust me, it's not an honor anyone would want, Josef. :'''Blake''': I don't understand. :'''Heusmann''': You see, this has happened before. Once the Führer was unwell, and for a time it was thought as he would die, so Reichsmarshall Göring declared himself acting chancellor. :'''Blake''': I never heard about that. :'''Heusmann''': That's because Hitler had Göring shot, along with his entire family. :'''Blake''': ''[sighs]'' This is different, right? He chose you. :'''Heusmann''': Yes. And because I've been chosen, I must do my duty. :'''Blake''': Well, why? You're an engineer. :'''Heusmann''': An engineer. Exactly, and therefore not a threat, unlike Himmler and the others who would kill for this, and very well might, whether the Führer recovers or not. I will be held directly responsible for everything that is bound to go wrong in the days ahead. :'''Blake''': Or maybe they'll thank you. :'''Heusmann''': Ah, the American in you remains so optimistic... ''[puts hand on Blake's shoulder]'' and naïve, Josef. I want you to go back there. :'''Blake''': What? :'''Heusmann''': Return to New York today. It is no longer safe for you here. <hr width=50%> :''[Arnold Walker has just come to Childan's shop and asked Frank Frink to get out of San Francisco immediately and when Frink asks why...]'' :'''Arnold Walker''': Frank, Hitler is dying, and when he goes, there's going to be a Resistance uprising, not to mention a very good chance that this entire city's going to be wiped off the planet - :'''Frank Frink''': - by an A bomb. :'''Walker''': Who told you that? :'''Frink''': You don't think I'm crazy? Who, Arnold? :'''Walker''': Juliana. She called me. :'''Frink''': Ju... But how did she... Yeah. Yeah, her Nazi boyfriend. :'''Walker''': Hold on. Wait a minute. Frank. She is in the Reich, but she's not with the Nazis. She's working with the Resistance. :'''Frink''': No, she's lying to you, Arnold. She's been lying... :'''Walker''': It did not come from her, Frank. It came from an old war buddy of mine and the kind of guy who would give up his life for you. He wouldn't lie. :'''Frink''': And did he know about your day job? :'''Walker''': All right. ''[scoffs at being called out over his former Kempeitai job]'' Frank, that's fair. ''[walks around then faces him]'' I wouldn't expect you to understand what I did for my family, but ''do not'' call my daughter a liar! She never betrayed you. She never betrayed any of us. And I'm here today because she asked me to come and tell you and Ed to get the hell out of this city... because she still cares about you. <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith and Erich Raeder visit [[Reinhard Heydrich]] at his cell as an alarm rings]'' :'''Erich Raeder''': ''[as guards release Heydrich's restraints] Oberstgruppenführer,'' if you will please get dressed, we must evacuate you immediately. :'''John Smith''': ''[enters cell]'' Please forgive our hastiness, ''Oberstgruppenführer''. We don't afford to take chances with your safety at a time like this. ''[pause]'' Reinhard, I don't speak for myself. :'''Reinhard Heydrich''': What is this? :'''Smith''': Please. Please hear me out. I know it's too late for me. I accept that. But I ask you to bear in mind that I was just a soldier... a loyal soldier... doing his duty. :'''Heydrich''': Am I to believe the Führer is dead? :'''Smith''': I ask you one thing. Will you give me your word that you will spare Helen and the children? :'''Heydrich''': How do I know this is not a deception? :'''Smith''': I wish it were. One hour ago, San Francisco was flattened with an atomic blast. ''[Heydrich looks sad]'' I won't presume to tell you the details, but our invasion of the Pacific States is underway. And then I receive an order from Berlin demanding your immediate release. You won, Reinhard. You won. :'''Heydrich''': ''[sniffles but face gets smug]'' You had your chance, John, and now you are on the wrong side of history. When the Japanese are eradicated, we will have a better world. A world, sadly, you will now never see. :'''Smith''': Do I have your word that you will spare my family? :'''Heydrich''': That is up to the new Führer. :'''Smith''': It's not you? :'''Heydrich''': ''[shakes head]'' No. It is someone with a much grander vision. ''[stands erect and gives Nazi salute]'' Heil Heusmann! ''[laughs hard]'' :'''Smith''': Reinhard? :'''Heydrich''': Yes, John? :'''Smith''': Thank you. ''[Raeder kills Heydrich]'' ===''Detonation'' [2.9]=== :''[A man comes before the Greater Reich News Service cameras]'' :'''Man''': ''[reads script]'' My name is Henry Collins. I'm Deputy Minister of Information for the Greater Nazi Reich. You've all been the victims of a lie. For the past few days, you've been told that the Führer is alive and well, on vacation at his retreat in Austria. But the truth... is that Adolf Hitler died last night in Berlin. ''[staff shouts in the background]'' The forces of the Reich did not wish you to know this truth - ''[a Waffen-SS soldier shoots him off-camera]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kotomichi has just seen Trade Minister Tagomi reappear at his office after several days]'' :'''Kotomichi''': Are you well, Trade Minister? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': So very tired. But I suspect you know the reason why. You're not from this world, Kotomichi. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister... :'''Tagomi''': I learned in the other world, defeat of our Empire, the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where you were injured. :'''Kotomichi''': My family, friends... perished in the bombing. As I lay in the hospital recovering from my burns, I learned to escape the pain... in my body and my mind. By accident, I found myself here. A happier world where my family survived. :'''Tagomi''': I believe there's a reason for my traveling, my powers. The armies in the other world made their atomic weapons larger, some a thousand times stronger than the one dropped on Nagasaki. I fear that they will eventually destroy themselves. If General Onoda does not listen to reason, then I must speak to the Crown Prince immediately. Arrange for my trip with great haste. :'''Kotomichi''': Trade Minister, travel to Japan is not possible at this time. We will soon be at war. :'''Tagomi''': What? :'''Kotomichi''': Hitler is dead. Poisoned. And the Nazis have blamed the Empire. I fear your warning comes too late. :'''Tagomi''': There may be one last hope, Kotomichi. <hr width=50%> :''[General Onoda explains to the Kempeitai staff the possible war that's about to come]'' :'''Gen. Hidehisa Onoda, IJA''': It is now clear that the Nazi dream is a world in which we no longer exist. To them, like the Jews and the Slavs and the Gypsies, we are something foreign. Thus, the war machine of the Reich...is poised to attack us. The men in this room may not live to see sunrise, but our ''grandchildren'' will survive. But, we must never forget, the Emperor is immortal.''Tennō Heika. Banzai!'' :'''Staff''': ''[raises arms with every word] Banzai!! Banzai!! Banzai!!!'' ===''Fallout'' [2.10]=== :''[In Berlin, the'' Oberkommando der Wehrmacht ''meets with Chancellor Heusmann on a new war plan and an unnamed field marshal briefs them]'' :'''Briefer''': ''[explaining map movements]'' Chancellor, men, our attack is in three phases. Phase One- U-boat and silo-launched missiles to destroy primary targets. San Diego, San Francisco, Pearl Harbor in the Pacific States. Darwin and Manila, Yokohama, Kamchatka, and Vladivostok in the East. :'''Chancellor Martin Heusmann''': How long it will take? :'''Briefer''': On your order, 15 minutes from launch. :'''Heusmann''': And why not Tokyo, field marshal? :'''Reichsfuhrer-SS [[Heinrich Himmler]]''': ''[interjects]'' If we kill their emperor, it would prolong the conflict. :'''Heusmann''': So we spare him? After he murders our Fuehrer? :'''Himmler''': The Japanese must see their deity surrender and acknowledge the superiority of our Master Race. :'''Heusmann''': ''[sternly]'' They will accept that reality without him. ''[orders briefer as Himmler remains quiet]'' Destroy Tokyo in Phase One. :'''Briefer''': ''[looks at Himmler who nods at him]'' Yes, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Continue. :'''Briefer''': Phase Two - our long-range nuclear bombers destroy secondary targets, including Anchorage, Los Angeles, and Sacramento in the west. Osaka, Peking, Delhi, Bangkok, and so on in the east. Time to completion, six hours from launch. Phase Three, a ground and marine invasion to secure and occupy. We expect total capitulation within two weeks. :'''Heusmann''': What kind of retaliation can we expect? :'''Briefer''': The strongest resistance will be in our satellite states. :'''Himmler''': Particularly, the Americas, where we expect the Japanese to mount significant defense and counterattacks. :'''Briefer''': We anticipate Japanese bombers to launch long-range suicide missions. We should expect major attacks as deep as Chicago and New York. :'''Heusmann''': Projected casualties? :'''Briefer''': The nuclear attack will result in 15 to 16 million dead. Ground invasion will add another two to three million. :'''Heusmann''': And on our side? :'''Briefer''': The Japanese only have conventional weapons. Casualties will be in the hundreds of thousands. :'''Himmler''': And mostly Americans, so... acceptable losses. :'''Heusmann''': When can you be ready to launch? :'''Briefer''': By 1900 tomorrow, Chancellor. :'''Heusmann''': Good, ''[rises with everyone]'' Tomorrow night, I will address the Reich from the ''Volkshalle''. During my speech, I will give the attack order. I will secure the Fatherland and the future of the Reich. ''[everyone makes the stiff-arm salute]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Chancellor Heusmann prepares the nuclear-launch console but Joe Blake tries to counsel him against attacking Japan]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Just think of the innocent lives. Father, you can't. :'''Martin Heusmann''': I know the casualties will be high, but that may be necessary. :'''Blake''': You can't really believe that. :'''Heusmann''': Did you listen to nothing that I've said?? :'''Blake''': Of course I did, but you can't build a better world if there's nothing left of it. ''[Himmler enters the room with a group of SS soldiers]'' :'''Heusmann''': ''[in German]'' What is this for? :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': ''[in German as the soldiers take Heusmann and Blake]'' Acting Chancellor Heusmann, you are under arrest for high treason and the murder of our Fuehrer, Adolf Hitler. :'''Blake''': ''[sees John Smith at the door]'' What the hell's going on? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Your father's a traitor, Joe. :'''Himmler''': ''[in German]'' Take them away! <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith heads to the front door to see Thomas meeting a crew from the Greater Nazi Reich Public Health Department]'' :'''Helen Smith''': ''[upon being given a consent form to Thomas' euthanisation]'' What is this? :'''Thomas Smith''': ''[to detail head]'' May I have a moment, please? ''[comes back to Helen]'' :'''Helen''': Thomas? :'''Thomas''': Look, I won't tell them about what you and father said. ''[embraces her one more time]'' Be proud of me. Tell Father to be proud. ''[leaves]'' :'''Helen''': ''[as Thomas rejoins the health crews and she's held back by the security guards]'' No. Thom... Thomas. Thomas, stay with me! Stay with me, Thomas! Thomas! ''[shouting, sobbing]'' Thomas! Thomas, don't go! ==Season 3 == ===''Now More Than Ever, We Care About You'' [3.1]=== :''[Joe Blake reads a prepared statement denouncing his father]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Martin Heusmann was my father. His false beliefs came to infect me. We were both guilty of wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, which gave rise to an unspeakable criminal scheme to assassinate our great leader, our one true father. Wrong thinking against the Fuhrer, against the Party, against the true science of National Socialism. Martin Heusmann was my father. <hr width=50%> :''[American Reich Propaganda Minister Billy Turner comes to work incensed]'' :'''Billy Turner''': They can't pull this shit on me last minute. The Fritz Kuhn deal is my deal. I don't need some German chick fresh off the rocket plane to tell me which way's up. ''[a woman enters the office]'' :'''Woman''': Nicole Dormer. German chick. :'''Turner''': ''[shakes her hand]'' Sorry. Billy Turner. Minister of Propaganda, and world-class idiot. Welcome to New York, ''fraulein''. First time? :'''Dormer''': Hardly. :'''Turner''': Miss Dormer... :'''Dormer''': Nicole. :'''Turner''': Nicole. I think there are some transatlantic crossed wires on this little renaming ceremony. :'''Dormer''': ''[reads sample propaganda posters]'' "Fascism is freedom"? "Freedom to prosper." "Freedom to explore." "Freedom from fear." "Freedom to propagate"? :'''Turner''': That's the new campaign. :'''Dormer''': New? Sounds rather familiar. :'''Turner''': Brand-new. :'''Dormer''': "Procreate to Populate, with Pride"? :'''Turner''': That's the spring rollout to inspire our young brides to... :'''Dormer''': Fuck and be fertile? :'''Turner''': I wouldn't quite put it that way. :'''Dormer''': ''[looks at draft art of a woman about to catch her baby]'' This image is perfect for a message from the Reich. Warmer, more maternal. Something like... forgive my English... perhaps... "Now more than ever, we care about you." :'''Turner''': That's not bad. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, schatzi. <hr width=50%> :''[Reichsmarschall for North America [[George Lincoln Rockwell]] graces the remembrance for Thomas Smith]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Rockwell''': We gather here today to honor a true hero of the Reich. When the hour of decision came for Thomas Smith, he rose to the occasion in a way that admirably reflected upon his father. Without wavering, without self-pity, Thomas Smith, on his own, made the ultimate sacrifice for a community, a country, a cause. Surely, Thomas Smith shall forever stand a peerless exemplar of Aryan youth. And as we remember this day, let us absorb a great lesson: In the hour of decision, in the hour of crisis, when we look for leadership, and for courage, to whom do we look? We look to people covered in medals. But sometimes, we are better served when we look to a boy. A boy with a dream in his heart. ===''Imagine Manchuria'' [3.2]=== :''[Kido pays his respects to Sgt Yoshida's grave. Nakamura visits him in the wake of a botched raid on Hagan]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': I told you, Nakamura. I have many skills. Interrogating the dead is not one of them. :'''Sgt Nakamura''': I am not worthy to replace Sergeant Yoshida. :'''Kido''': Perhaps not. :'''Nakamura''': Before I leave your sight, sir... All the bodies have been examined. No sign of the criminal priest Hagan. :'''Kido''': Find Hagan, bring him to me alive, and you will be my sergeant. If you cannot, resign yourself to a career in the colonial backwater in a conflict zone. If you think San Francisco is miserable in the winter, imagine Manchuria. <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith summons Thelma Harris over what she wrote regarding Mrs Adler]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': May I call you Thelma? :'''Thelma Harris''': Of course. :'''Smith''': Good. Tell me, Thelma, you happily married? :'''Harris''': I am. :'''Smith''': Must be so difficult for you. Marriage is hard work. :'''Harris''': Yes, I know. :'''Smith''': But especially for a couple like you. With your sorts of secrets. :'''Harris''': Sir? I... :'''Smith''': You'd just lose your job, right? But your husband, well, he'd lose everything, considering the law. And his... friend? Roger? ''[sees Harris react]'' Oh, I don't judge. I assure you. :'''Harris''': You don't? :'''Smith''': No, but I understand how vulnerable you must feel, how... susceptible to unscrupulous operators. Like our friend Mr. Hoover. Constant threat of exposure. That's no way to live. :'''Harris''': No. No, sir, it's... it's not. :'''Smith''': Well, I can help you. If you'd like. :'''Harris''': Sir, that would be wonderful. But what do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Nothing. Nothing. :'''Harris''': Sir? :'''Smith''': Just keep doing what you're doing. Just have to let me know what that is. At all times. So I can help you. Help keep you and your husband safe. Do you understand? :'''Harris''': Perfectly. :'''Smith''': Very good. I'll have Major Metzger see you out. :'''Harris''': Thank you, uh, O... ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nobusuke Tagomi takes custody of Juliana Crain and the other Trudy Walker]'' :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': I threw the I Ching. Hexagram 40. Liberation. Changing line into Hexagram 56. Transition. Most auspicious. :'''Juliana Crain''': I never really got to mourn her, you know. :'''Tagomi''': Now's your chance. :'''Crain''': Focus, Tru. :'''Tagomi''': If you let go of her, the Trudy you lost, you will be liberated. Able to let go of her. And she of you. :'''Trudy Walker''': ''[as the room rattles]'' You've always looked out for me, sis. You don't need to anymore. Take care of yourself, sis. ''[disappears]'' ===''Sensô Kôi'' [3.3]=== :''[Joe Blake has tracked down Oberfuhrer Diels]'' :'''Oberfuhrer Oliver Diels''': Smith has sent you, hasn't he? That vengeful bastard. :'''Joe Blake''': You should've stayed loyal to the Reich. :'''Diels''': The old regime needed to go. Heydrich and your father, they understood that. :'''Blake''': My father confessed his faults. Renounced his conspiracy against the Fuhrer. :'''Diels''': Then your father died a traitor. ''[falls down after a shot to the chest]'' :'''Blake''': My father died a hero. ''[shoots Diels in the face]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[John Smith visits the [[w:Ahnenerbe|Ahnenerbe]] Institute]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': The Ahnenerbe Institute will remain focused on the sciences, under my purview. ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler asked that I introduce you to some of our more immediate efforts in advance of his visit. ''[shows Smith a cart full of the films]'' The late Fuhrer's entire film archive. At your disposal, with Himmler's compliments. :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Yes, I watched some of these in Berlin. Surprising number of them are insignificant or counterfeit. :'''Mengele''': And many are not so easily explained. Events, outcomes that cannot be dismissed as fake. The late Fuhrer knew these films, in the hands of our enemies, could be weaponized against the Reich. One of the archival projects is to sort, catalogue, and segregate the genuine from the ''ersatz''. The ''Reichsfuhrer'' has entrusted this task to you. :'''Smith''': Me? Not Rockwell? :'''Mengele''': Just you, ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer''. The films are part of several interrelated research projects. Our coordinated efforts will separate truth from noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nicole Dormer's new film tribute to Thomas Smith,'' An American Hero'', is shown before GNR officials]'' :'''Dormer''': ''[narration]'' But it is among Thomas' own generation, among his fellow classmates, that he is most honored. :'''Female student''': ''[in interview]'' I loved Thomas. I did. ''[sniffles]'' You know, ever since I met him in the second grade, he was always talking about the future. His plans. Everything that he dreamed about doing to make the Reich an even better place. :'''Dormer''': Thomas spoke about the future. Did he ever talk about his father? :'''Student''': All the time. Thomas idolized him. :'''Dormer''': ''[voiceover] Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith is one of the American Reich's most decorated soldiers. ''[footage of Volkshalle rally]'' And just last fall, Smith was honored by ''Reichsfuhrer'' Himmler for saving the life from the traitor Heusmann. At this time of Smith's greatest triumph, his son Thomas was walking to his death. ''[cut to Thomas' tribute at his school]'' At the ceremony at Thomas Smith's high school, I witnessed an astonishing moment. :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': ''[in tribute speech]'' A boy with a dream in his heart. :'''Dormer''': ''[describing footage]'' Thomas' younger sister, Amy, instinctively stood to salute her brother. Child after child followed suit. And I wondered, what kind of man inspired such devotion and passion in his children? ''[cut to Smith]'' That man, John Smith. He bears a responsibility of being father to children and father to the entire nation. It's that immense and that simple. ===''Sabra'' [3.4]=== :''[Frank Frink explains his new artworks to Mark Sampson and gives him samples]'' :'''Frank Frink''': Take them back with you. I want you to put them up. :'''Mark Sampson''': Yeah, there's there's something you should know. Um, people are are not only putting up your art. They're copying it. Young people, especially. They're they're making it their own. ''[shows Frank pictures of graffiti resembling his work]'' :'''Frink''': Ah, this is fantastic. :'''Sampson''': Yeah. :'''Frink''': All the more reason why we- :'''Sampson''': Look, they're arresting people, Frank. :'''Frink''': I don't want anyone to get hurt. :'''Sampson''': Well, look, in a way, it's out of your hands. Th these sunrises, they'd they don't even belong to you anymore. But this, this is really gonna get the Pons' attention, and not in a good way. :'''Frink''': You said people need to see - all this. :'''Sampson''': Yeah, and and, one day, the time will be right. And when it is, I promise you that we will wallpaper these sons of bitches like nobody's business. <hr width=50%> :''[a woman meets with Ed and Robert Childan about a certain artifact]'' :'''Woman''': The Duke gave me this just before he left to fight with the Rebels. :'''Robert Childan''': And this is the belt buckle he wore in ''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)|Stagecoach]]''? :'''Woman''': Mm-hmm. ''Stagecoach'' is my favorite [[w:John_Ford|Ford]]. :'''Childan''': Yeah, I just Feels a wee bit apocryphal. :'''Ed''': That means he doesn't believe you. :'''Woman''': O ye of little faith. He told me to keep it as a memento till he came back, which, of course, he never did. ''[shows picture]'' :'''Childan''': Oh. Now, that's a horse of a different color. :'''Woman''': That's me, that's the Duke, and there's the buckle. :'''Childan''': Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. :'''Woman''': He was killed in action at the Battle of Dayton. :'''Childan''': Oh. :'''Woman''': You know that? :'''Ed''': Everyone knows that. I mean, John Wayne. Wu? :'''Childan''': We'll give you five marks for this and the photo. :'''Woman''': That's the only picture I have of the Duke and me. :'''Childan''': Well, buckle's not worth a pfennig without the photo. :'''Woman''': Well, could you see your way clear to seven? I, I got my rent to make, and and seven marks might get me through. :'''Childan''': I'll tell you what I'll do - :'''Ed''': 15. We'll pay her 15. :'''Woman''': Fifteen. That's fair. Right? <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer is not pleased with a shoot of workmen weakly sledgehammering a bust of Abraham Lincoln]'' :'''Nicole Dormer''': Cut! Okay, cut. This is the old America. You are the new America. I want to see you full of power, energy. ''[to cameraman]'' In fact, get the camera off the sticks and move it in closer. Follow them. We need to feel the kinetic potential, the vitality of the new American Nazi youth. Okay, boys, what you're doing here is important work. You're erasing the past, replacing it with a better world, a world that is entirely yours. We ready? Okay, back to the start, please. Ready. And action! ''[the workmen start smashing the marble with more strength; instructing cameraman]'' Now get down low, underneath them, as they work. Shoot up. Make him look heroic. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido visits Tagomi]'' :'''Trade Minister Nobusuke Tagomi''': Howard Wexler. Who is he? :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': A defector from the Reich. :'''Tagomi''': Like Diels. :'''Kido''': Only much more valuable. A researcher. I believe it was the same assassin in both cases. Wexler was working with your ministry. :'''Tagomi''': On a project I cannot discuss. :'''Kido''': The Nazis are doing their best to sabotage us. And they are succeeding. These street protests- :'''Tagomi''': The street protests are under control. The agitators are suffering for oil. Kerosene. Gasoline. Heating oil. What are you doing about it, Trade Minister? :'''Kido''': Again, nothing I will discuss with you, Chief Inspector. ===''The New Colossus'' [3.5]=== :''[Helen Smith resumes her counselling sessions with Dr Ryan after John Smith arranges it for her]'' :'''Dr. Ryan''': Why don't we start with something easy? You know, a memory. Could be anything. :'''Helen Smith''': Anything? :'''Ryan''': Well, anything to do with Thomas. Why don't you sit back, shut your eyes if that helps, and, uh, go back to a moment. :'''Smith''': Needn't be anything big. :'''Ryan''': Could be something nice and simple. :'''Smith''': Uh, they they heard me scream and wail when Thomas was walking to that van. I wept, I pleaded, and all of my neighbors housewives and my friends they heard me beg him to stop. Stop and go back in the house. Don't do this. I'm so so ashamed. :'''Ryan''': But any mother would've wept and pleaded. Don't you think? :'''Smith''': My son was a hero, I was a weakling. :'''Ryan''': No. No, no. It takes strength to grieve openly. :'''Smith''': Does it? :'''Ryan''': It's the weak who conceal their feelings behind a tough façade. Now, just by me saying this, you won't magically let go of your shame. But, if it makes it any easier, there is nothing more important to the Aryan state than a powerful mother who brings the full force of her emotions and convictions to daily life in the Reich. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith fumes at John over ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] suddenly visiting the Smiths' apartment investigating her over Alice Adler's death]'' :'''Oberstgruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Trust me, Helen, :'''Helen Smith''': Trust you, John? The last time - :'''John''': We're not relying on Hoover's help. :'''Helen''': I trusted you. :'''John''': No? :'''Helen''': Because he came bursting in here with two of his men. Who's to stop him from coming back and arresting me? <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith is summoned to George Lincoln Rockwell, with Reichsfuhrer Himmler and ARBI Director [[w:J. Edgar Hoover|J Edgar Hoover]] by his side. Smith is curious why he is there]'' :'''Reichsmarschall George Lincoln Rockwell''': Let's start with Dr. Adler, whom you eulogized following his sudden demise from a heart attack. A man who'd just gotten a clean bill of health from his own cardiologist. So what caused Adler's fatal coronary? :'''Obergruppenfuhrer John Smith''': Undetected coronary blockage, I'd assume. You, you tell me, George. :'''Rockwell''': I can't tell you, because Gerry Adler was cremated before a proper postmortem could be performed, per Alice Adler's pleas to anyone who'd listen. And then Alice went suddenly silent, too. She died in a botched burglary, according to the police. But now, ''[glances at Hoover]'' ARBI agents have come up with a fascinating conclusion: the burglar - if indeed it was a burglar - who murdered Mrs. Adler was another woman. Meantime, evidence has come to light of Smith's scheme to sneak his ailing son out of the country, and then stage a kidnap plot to spirit Thomas to an Argentinian safe haven. It's treason to cover up your son's illness, and treason to use your office to spirit away your sick son. Not to mention assassinating a high-ranking Nazi official, Dr. Adler, and his wife. :'''Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Do you have evidence to back up these accusations? :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', we have the motive, the means and the proof. :'''J Edgar Hoover''': I'm sorry, ''Reichsmarschall'', but I'm afraid you're confused. :'''Rockwell''': ''[nonplussed]'' Confused. How? :'''Hoover''': The charges you've leveled against ''Oberstgruppenfuhrer'' Smith are unfounded. They're mere conjecture. :'''Rockwell''': ''[pointedly at Hoover]'' Why the fuck would you say that? ''[Looks at briefcase and sees a bunch of crumpled papers]'' I don't understand. You showed me all those cables from Buenos Aires. ''[to Smith]'' Helen Smith's button, stained with Alice Adler's blood. ''[pouts and slams bag on table]'' Edgar. Where is it all? :'''Himmler''': Am I to understand there is no evidence to support these claims or treason? :'''Hoover''': I have no evidence whatsoever, ''Mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': It is, in fact, treason, to falsely accuse a senior Party member of such crimes. :'''Rockwell''': ''Mein Fuhrer''- :'''Himmler''': ''[In German]'' Get him out of here - :'''Rockwell''': ''[overlaps] Mein Fuhrer''... :'''Himmler''': Go away! Out of my sight. Out of this country. Immediately! :'''Rockwell''': ''[as he's manhandled out of the room]'' Edgar, you set me up. A put-up job?! I will fucking crush you! <hr width=50%> :''[Juliana Crain talks to Joe Blake about what she saw in his belongings, without implying she was perusing them at all]'' :'''Joe Blake''': Listen, Juliana, to resist is to invite the kind of pain that I went through. And trust me you do not want that. :'''Juliana Crain''': And what is it that you think I want? :'''Blake''': You want to join me. For a world full of perfection and happiness. :'''Crain''': You hardly seem happy. :'''Blake''': Just wake up! This is the world we live in. One that can be perfected, but not by your idea of goodness. Make peace with that, and there's a way out of this. :'''Crain''': But what does it mean ''Die Nebenwelt''? :'''Blake''': It means "the next world," a parallel world. And when we reach it, and the world after that, and the world after that, the Reich will be everywhere. It dwarfs my father's greatest dreams. Now get dressed. :'''Crain''': Or what? Hmm? You know, I've watched you kill me so many times. You know what happens next? You take that gun and you put it under your chin, and you blow your own fucking brain - :'''Blake''': You're gonna take me to Tagomi. And then you're gonna take me to High Castle. ===''History Ends'' [3.6]=== :''[Kido talks to Tagomi about documents Juliana Crain stole from Joe Blake that were delivered to the office]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': You were working with the scientist Wexler, were you not? :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Yes, a sensitive project. Synthetic oil. :'''Kido''': These documents are highly-classified ''Kempeitai'' files. Where did you get them? :'''Tagomi''': They were brought to me. Is it possible they were in the possession of the Nazi spy at the time of his death? :'''Kido''': Possibly, yes. Whoever killed him appears to have prevented an attempt on your life. Tell me, Trade Minister, why would the Nazis want you dead? :'''Tagomi''': A provocation. :'''Kido''': Revenge. :'''Tagomi''': A warning. :'''Kido''': So, any number of reasons. :'''Tagomi''': Let me ask you something, Chief Inspector. What are you going to do about the traitor in your midst? <hr width=50%> :''[Ed catches up with Frank Frink at St Theresa's and they talk about Frank's art]'' :'''Frank Frink''': I just wanted to redeem myself. Anyway, seemed like helping the Resistance was the only way to make any sense out of what was left of my life. It was a mistake. :'''Ed McCarthy''': And you you tried to tell me. :'''Frink''': Ed, I killed people. I killed people directly. And I got them killed after, too. :'''McCarthy''': You know, the Japs' reprisals were, uh, were terrible. You can't blame yourself for that. <hr width=50%> :''[In New York, Himmler has just sworn in John Smith as the new Reichsmarschall for Nazi America]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': Today marks the beginning of ''Jahr Null'', Year Zero. This will become the beating heart of the Greater Nazi Reich... We will do away with the old. Today, history ends and the future begins!! ===''Excess Animus'' [3.7]=== :''[Having just killed Sgt Nakamura, Kido follows up with Tagomi over the Kempeitai files... over a late-night drink]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': Would you like a drink, Trade Minister? ''[Tagomi sits down]'' If you want my cooperation, you must provide me with some answers. It is time for the truth. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': What is it you wish to know? :'''Kido''': Trudy Walker. The woman I killed is the same woman I arrested months later. They are not different people, as you suggested, they are the same. :'''Tagomi''': They are, indeed, different individuals. :'''Kido''': They are not. They have the same physical characteristics, even the same fingerprints. :'''Tagomi''': But one is from this world. :'''Kido''': The other? :'''Tagomi''': The other is not of this world. They are different people, separate lives. Separate histories. Different memories. :'''Kido''': How do you know this? :'''Tagomi''': I am a traveler. I have visited another world akin to ours, but but different. :'''Kido''': You visited another world? :'''Tagomi''': Where I got the film of the Bikini Atoll atomic bomb test. The one that dissuaded the Nazis from attacking us. In that world, the Allies won the war. It was their bomb, the Americans, not ours. We deceived them into thinking we had the bomb. :'''Kido''': And Miss Crain? :'''Tagomi''': Dr. Hamahashi has confirmed. The Nazis are building a machine to invade and conquer those parallel worlds. Miss Crain is trying to stop them. I told you she's on our side. :'''Kido''': At least for now. ===''Kasumi (Through the Mists)'' [3.8]=== :''[Some Kempeitai agents visit Robert Childan after he's interrogated over breaking into his own shop]'' :'''Kempeitai Agent''': You are Childan Robert? :'''Robert Childan''': ''[bows]'' Uh, a-actually, it's Robert Childan. Ne- never mind. What can I do for you, most honored Sir? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido has removed the people who have been illegally occupying your shop. :'''Childan''': What? :'''Kempeitai Agent''': I am instructed to inform you that it is yours to do with as you please once again. :'''Childan''': Uh, I-I don't understand. :'''Kempeitai Agent''': Chief Inspector Kido rewards you for your service to the Japanese National State. :'''Childan''': My s-service to... Yes, of course. ''[bows] Arigato gozaimashita. [agents leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith visits Dr Ryan]'' :'''John Smith''': So what'd you have to tell me, Doctor? :'''Dr Ryan''': Well, it's a bit delicate, I'm afraid. Uh Forgive me, sir, but, uh I feel it's my duty to tell you that, uh, your wife has been articulating opinions, uh incompatible with Reich orthodoxy. :'''Smith''': I see. Please go on. :'''Ryan''': Well, this morning, she expressed a desire, a desire to rethink the Reich's eugenics policies. Uh, I think she feels that because of your position, you might have some influence in the matter. :'''Smith''': Has she expressed these thoughts to anyone else that you know of? :'''Ryan''': Not that I'm aware of, sir. No. She also spoke today of, uh, having acted impulsively. :'''Smith''': In what way? :'''Ryan''': I-I didn't probe. I thought it best to alert you. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Was there something else? :'''Ryan''': I don't know if you're aware, sir. There, there's a phenomenon that occurs in psychotherapy. It's called, uh, "transference. " Uh, a patient develops feelings of affection, or attraction for the analyst. It's very common really. :'''Smith''': And has my wife expressed such feelings to you, Doctor? :'''Ryan''': Today your wife was, uh physically demonstrative in a way that perhaps - :'''Smith''': It's okay. You can tell me. :'''Ryan''': She kissed me, sir. She, uh, gave me a good-bye kiss. It was just a kiss on the cheek, but under the circumstances... :'''Smith''': I understand. :'''Ryan''': Sir, um... :'''Smith''': Mm-hmm. :'''Ryan''': Given everything else, I really do think it best that I, uh I terminate treatment and resign as her analyst. ''[presents Smith his file on Helen]'' :'''Smith''': You did very well to tell me. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is fuming after the Japanese dispose of the Lebensborn agent he sent to kill Nobusuke Tagomi - outside the GNR embassy in San Francisco]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': To dump his body in the street like that? Savages! :'''John Smith''': There's, um, There's also been a ''communiqué'', sir, demanding that we end the oil embargo, honor our trade agreements, or face military action. :'''Himmler''': They won't risk a war. We will crush them. :'''Smith''': They do have the bomb, sir. I know Europe is secure, but the risk to the American Reich is real. :'''Himmler''': They're bluffing. Send them a message. :'''Smith''': Sir? :'''Himmler''': Tell them we reject their demands categorically. :'''Smith''': Sir. <hr width=50%> :''[Nicole Dormer calls Billy after the police raid a women's club]'' :'''Billy Turner''': Turner. :'''Nicole Dormer''': Billy. Thank God. It's Nicole. :'''Turner''': What's the matter? :'''Dormer''': Thelma's been arrested. We were having a drink - there was a raid. :'''Turner''': A raid? Where the hell were you? :'''Dormer''': A club. :'''Turner''': What kind of club? :'''Dormer''': For women. :'''Turner''': Oh, shit. Look, I'll make some calls. :'''Dormer''': There were photographers. :'''Turner''': Okay, I - I'll find out who. :'''Dormer''': Collect the film and, uh, send someone to pick her up. :'''Turner''': Billy, you have to go yourself. If it comes out - :'''Dormer''': Of course. Of course. Yeah, you're right. Let me see what I can do. :'''Turner''': Thank you. ===''Baku'' [3.9]=== :''[Billy Turner leads the planning of the Jahr Null kickoff ceremonies]'' :'''Billy Turner''': ''Jahr Null'' will be a live TV event broadcast across the Reich and the GNR. :'''Thelma Harris''': Where will the ''Reichsfuhrer'' and the ''Reichsmarschall'' be? :'''Turner''': On a VIP boat in the harbor. As close to the action as possible. :'''Harris''': And will Nicole Dormer be on the boat? :'''Turner''': Yes. :'''Harris''': And where will I be? :'''Turner''': On the boat, with me. :'''Harris''': Will I have an interview with her? :'''Turner''': No, she'll be directing, but, uh, I'll make sure to get you a statement. :'''Harris''': Of course. I think I have this. :'''Turner''': Okay, let's take five before the production meeting. ''[the other staff leave and Billy closes the door. to Thelma, coldly]'' Don't ever do that to me again. I had to make a lot of calls to clean up your arrest. :'''Harris''': I'm sorry. :'''Turner''': Stay away from Nicole. :'''Harris''': All right. <hr width=50%> :''[a Japanese man visits Robert Childan's newly-reopened store]'' :'''Robert Childan''': Kobayashi-san, what a delightful pleasure. How may I help you today? :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I was, uh, wondering if you still had that precious baseball. The one signed by the [[w:Murderers' Row|Murderers' Row]]. :'''Childan''': Oh, ''sumimasen''. I no longer have that item in my possession. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': I see. Delightful pleasure to see you back. ''[goes to leave]'' :'''Childan''': Kobayashi-san. Um, I almost forgot. Rumor has it, a great influx of Americana may be moving west from the GNR. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': And what is causing this influx? :'''Childan''': The Nazis are in the midst of purging American history. So, if these rumors are correct, it would be a great bonanza for my business. :'''Mr Kobayashi''': Hmm. Interesting. If you are able to procure these old American artifacts from the Reich, I would very much like to view them. :'''Childan''': ''Hai.'' <hr width=50%> :''[John Smith meets Nobusuke Tagomi at a farmhouse somewhere in the Neutral Zone]'' :'''John Smith''': Trade Minister. :'''Nobusuke Tagomi''': Good evening, ''Reichsmarschall''. Thank you for coming. Please, sit. I wish to extend my deepest condolences for the loss of your only son. I, too, have experienced the same. :'''Smith''': Thank you. Now on the phone, you mentioned Dr. Wexler and ''Die Nebenwelt''. :'''Tagomi''': Yes. This machine is powerful. Meant to cross the thresholds between worlds. :'''Smith''': The Reich won't be held hostage, Trade Minister. Nor will we engage in negotiations based on ill-gotten and half-baked intelligence. :'''Tagomi''': I had hoped to discuss these matters alone, apart from our government. Because we have achieved peace together once before. :'''Smith''': What do you mean? :'''Tagomi''': Last year, you presented a film in Berlin. You averted war. I provided that film for Chief Inspector Kido. :'''Smith''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Tagomi''': It is possible to reach other worlds without the use of technology. The different truths of those worlds are of great value. And of great personal comfort. I received the film from my son. ''[presents paper]'' This is a list of 15 German defectors still living in the Pacific States. The Empire has approved the return of them to the Reich. And please, accept this as a gesture of recommitment to our trade agreements. And in return, the Empire ask only that you honor our oil treaties. Thank you for meeting, ''Reichsmarschall''. :'''Smith''': I will see that the Fuhrer gets your list. :'''Tagomi''': I believe our two countries have great value for each other in peace. <hr width=50%> :''[Kido has successfully captured Frank Frink and brought him to a certain place in the desert]'' :'''Chief Insp Takeshi Kido''': This was once the site of an American-Japanese internment camp. [[w:Manzanar|Manzanar]]. :'''Frank Frink''': Mm. :'''Kido''': I was there in 1945 when the camps were liberated. I have seen those painted all over San Francisco and the Neutral Zone. I never imagined they were yours. You have been speaking to me this whole time. :'''Frink''': I've been speaking to a lot of people. They've started to listen. It's beginning. :'''Kido''': I know I am a part of what you did. I executed your sister. Your niece and nephew. :'''Frink''': I did what I did out of anger. I, uh, I never wanted to survive. Never thought I'd have to face what I'd done. It changed me. :'''Kido''': How? How have you changed? :'''Frink''': Well, I'm... I'm free. :'''Kido''': So you are not afraid of death? :'''Frink''': No. No, not anymore. You? Only a death without honor. :'''Kido''': Honor. Out of weakness, I let you go. That was my mistake. ''[goes back to the car, as Sato presents him his samurai sword]'' :'''Frink''': ''[as Kido changes into his Kempeitai military uniform]'' [[w:Shema Yisrael|Sh'ma Yisrael]] Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad... ''[continues singing until Kido decapitates him]'' ===''Jahr Null'' [3.10]=== :''[at the Poconos base, the Ahnenerbe Institute research team completes a new test of the warp gate tunnel, and Mengele recovers dogtags from the vaporized remains of the test subjects]'' :'''Dr Josef Mengele''': Three dog tags. The remains of three corpses on the conveyor not four. One, sir, the young woman. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': She got through. :'''Mengele''': It's a limited success, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': Progress, nonetheless. :'''Mengele''': It's more than that, it's a breakthrough. :'''Himmler''': ''Ja.'' Now, we must accelerate the number of tests and expand their scale. :'''Mengele''': Right. Thank you, ''mein Fuhrer''. :'''Himmler''': I want 100% success rate. Close enough, at any rate, to begin ''[excited, points to the tunnel] to march troops through! [everybody applauds]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Aboard a ship in New York harbor, Fuhrer Himmler and Reichsmarschall Smith preside over the destruction of the Statue of Liberty]'' :'''Himmler''': John, where is your family? :'''Smith''': I have sent them away for a few days, ''mein Fuhrer''. Helen was very tired. :'''Himmler''': Sends the wrong message when a Reichsmarschall appears at a public ceremony without his family. ''[enters deck crowded with officials and Hitler Youth/BDM members. returns Nazi salute and turns to view the Statue of Liberty with Smith]'' I'm particularly sad that your children are not here to witness this today. You will get your house in order. ''[addresses the youth]'' Today is for you. The generation born since the end of the war. A pure generation, free from the decrepit ideologies of the past. You are the future. ''You... are... the Reich''. But you must be vigilant. The enemies of the Reich are everywhere. Those who would anchor you to the past must be eliminated to make room for the new. Today, we tear down the old. Here is your Fuhrer's gift to you. A new beginning! ''Jahr Null! [to Smith as the'' Ode to Joy ''from Beethoven's 9th Symphony is played] Reichsmarschall'', give the order. :'''Smith''': Come in, Major. :'''Luftwaffe pilot''': Copy, ''Reichsmarschall''. Clear to target. ''[a flight of aircraft fire missiles at the Statue of Liberty, which collapses into the harbor after a controlled explosion and amidst a fireworks display]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[elated at the collapse]'' At long last, her light goes out. :'''Radio announcer''': With the destruction of this former icon, the American Reich enters a bold new era. In downtown New York, Nazi youths are pouring into the streets to celebrate the destruction of liberty. In solidarity with their Fuhrer, they celebrate the beginning of ''Jahr Null''. <hr width=50%> :''[After the destruction of the Statue of Liberty, Himmler has a word with Nicole Dormer]'' :'''Himmler''': We could not have hoped for a more spectacular start to ''Jahr Null''. :'''Nicole Dormer''': ''Danke, mein Fuhrer.'' :'''Himmler''': But for now, you are being recalled to Berlin. :'''Dormer''': Is Miss [[Leni Riefenstahl|Riefenstahl]] stepping down from her post? :'''Himmler''': No. Unfortunately, your high-handed behavior, your flouting all rules and conventions... Did you really believe perversion had no price? ''[sees Dormer's reaction]'' That club was raided on my orders. ''[as two guards come to take her away]'' You are being sent back to Berlin for a course of mandatory reeducation. :'''Dormer''': And what will happen to her? ''[referring to Thelma Harris]'' :'''Himmler''': Mrs. Harris' fate is not your concern. :'''Dormer''': ''[feels the guards hold her]'' Is that really necessary? :''[Himmler signals the guards to release their grip on her, and they leave]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Smith receives a call at his apartment. It's Helen, and John is curious where they all went]'' :'''Helen Smith''': The, the girls and I we're safe. :'''John Smith''': That's, that's good. Listen, you shouldn't have run away from that nurse. :'''Helen''': I wasn't running from a nurse. :'''John''': I'm not - I'm not angry with you. I'm just - You just you scared me, that's all. Can you just come home? Please? Can you just bring the girls and come home? :'''Helen''': I love you, John... but I was running away from you. ''[hangs up]'' ==Season 4== ===''Hexagram 64'' [4.1]=== :''[The Crown Princess eulogizes Nobusuke Tagomi]'' :'''Crown Princess''': Peace and harmony. That is what Mr. Tagomi sought. We lost him to an act of violence at the very moment we needed him most. His spirit is Japan's spirit. True Japanese spirit. In our drive for empire-building, we have lost sight of this spirit. Violence produces more violence. This is what is happening in San Francisco. I intend to see Tagomi's work completed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Yamori is not too pleased that the Crown Princess rebuffed his suggestion to return to Japan for her safety]'' :'''General Yamori''': ''[after the Crown Princess' entourage leaves]'' Someone has been whispering in her ear. Is it you? :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': Don't be absurd. Her Highness speaks for herself and with the consent of the palace. :'''General Yamori''': ''[In Japanese]'' You Navy appeasers are more dangerous than the BCR! :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': ''[In Japanese]'' Appeasers? You don't know the battles I've fought for Japan. :'''General Yamori''': ''[Back in English]'' When you speak, I hear surrender. :'''Admiral Inokuchi''': The Chinese are advancing in Korea and Manchuria. Our resources are spread thin. How long do you think we can hold this territory? :'''General Yamori''': ''[In Japanese]'' As long as I'm alive. ''[Inokuchi is speechless]'' Hmm. Colonel, show the admiral out. ===''Every Door Out...'' [4.2]=== :''[Equiano Hampton presides over a BCR meeting in 1961]'' :'''Equiano Hampton''': Amen. That's a beautiful sound. Now, I see a lot of familiar faces in this room. Doctors, teachers, artists. And new faces, too. I bring good news. Two days ago, the first shipment of arms arrived from our allies in China. We gonna take this movement to the next stage. Now, I'm not gonna lie. There will be sacrifices. But for us, that price is nothing new. Most everyone in this room has someone got put on a train in the Reich, ain't never came back. For my wife, and my daughter, the train stopped at a camp in Saginaw, Michigan. :'''Man''': Onslow, North Carolina. :'''Hampton''': Sorry for your loss, brother. :'''Woman with Husband''': Shiloh, Pennsylvania. James and Martha Arnold. :'''Hampton''': James and Martha. Sorry for your loss, ma'am. :'''Woman with Husband''': Thank you. ''[guests start reciting the names of their loved ones and the concentration camps they ended up in]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': ''[quietly and teary-eyed]'' Moulton, Alabama. Daddy and Mama. :'''Elijah''': How about right here in San Francisco, California? ''[everybody looks at him]'' William Pullum. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Shot in the back by the ''Kempeitai'' nine blocks from here. And that was just last week. :'''Hampton''': Last week?! This same chain of violence runs through our whole history in this country, from slavery to this very day. You've served your people as doctors, teachers and artists. But tonight? Tonight I'm looking for men and women to be soldiers. Who's ready to be a soldier? ===''The Box'' [4.3]=== :''[Kido talks to his son over why he still didn't appear for the job interview and the incident he caused at the Yakuza club]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There will be no report. The incident will be forgotten, but it cannot happen again. :'''Toru Kido''': I can't forget. I can't forget what I've done. :'''Takeshi''': What? What have you done? :'''Toru''': What my unit did in Manchuria. To the villagers. :'''Takeshi''': It was war. It is in the past. :'''Toru''': I can still hear their voices. :'''Takeshi''': You did those things for your country. You have no reason to be ashamed. :'''Toru''': It is not shame that I feel. Something more than shame. :'''Takeshi''': We must look forward now, and draw our strength from the Empire. :'''Toru''': The Empire. The Empire is not strong. The Empire is losing. :'''Takeshi''': Losing? :'''Toru''': In China. The TV says we are winning there, but it is a lie. :'''Takeshi''': Enough. :'''Toru''': We believe what we're told. We don't ask questions. I was not a soldier. You are not a detective. We are both puppets. :'''Takeshi''': I will not be spoken to this way. We are bound to our duty. :'''Toru''': Duty? And what of your duty to your family? You left us. ''[as the elder Kido manhandles him out of the room over what he just said]'' No, NO! :'''Takeshi''': Get out of this house. Stand up. You are not my son. ''[Toru leaves]'' ===''Happy Trails'' [4.4]=== :''[cold opening of a'' Tales from the High Castle ''episode where a white man has just been fired by his black boss and is now tasked to train a younger black employee]'' :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': ''[narrating]'' Robert Street has just learned that the American dream is nothing more than an Aryan man's nightmare. And for Robert Street, that nightmare has only just begun. You may not know me, but you might've seen one of my films, those terrifying visions where the Allies won the war. My name is Hawthorne Abendsen, and I am the Man in the High Castle. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has lauded Captain Iijima for his work in the Tagomi assassination case, but...]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': There is one matter I wanted to discuss with you in private. Outside the office. :'''Capt Iijima''': Of course, sir. :'''Kido''': Per General Yamori's orders, the Tagomi murder case is now closed. The assassin found, the weapon retrieved, conclusive evidence... and yet, something unfortunate has come to light. We found a partial print on the clip inside the pistol. It is yours. ''[laughs as Capt Iijima feels uneasy]'' Do not worry, Captain. I have spoken with General Yamori. He has told me everything. I have redacted the incriminating evidence. I only mention this so that next time, you will be more careful in covering your tracks. :'''Iijima''': Thank you for the correction, Chief Inspector. Next time - I promise to be more vigilant. :'''Kido''': Good. :''[Iijima leaves, but Kido rechecks the case file and it is revealed that the weapon has no prints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fuhrer Himmler is happy about the dinner at the Smiths' apartment]'' :'''Heinrich Himmler''': John, thank you for this evening. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's get that drink next time you're in town. Safe travels. :'''Himmler''': All I see in Berlin are smiling faces, everywhere I look. But there's no one I can trust. :'''Smith''': You'll always have my loyalty. :'''Himmler''': I don't want your loyalty, John. ''[sternfully] I want your devotion. [leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana Crain hides in Zina Parks' bakery in the ruins of Washington DC]'' :'''Parks''': My, uh, husband and I... started building this as a bomb shelter toward the end of the war. We didn't finish it in time. :'''Juliana Crain''': Well, they dropped the bomb on a Sunday, didn't they? Knowing so many would be in church. :'''Zina Parks''': After the war, they took my husband. For his "impurity." I was happy to offer this to the Resistance as a hiding place. Uh... I have to lock you in, for the time being. :'''Crain''': No, I understand. Well, please, won't you sit? :'''Parks''': I'll, uh, I'll bring you some food in a bit. I believe that you are who you say you are. Can I... can I ask you something? :'''Crain''': Of course. :'''Parks''': I've seen the film. A lot of us have. ''[looks at journal Juliana shows her]'' There's Roosevelt alive with Churchill and Stalin. :'''Crain''': I remember the day Roosevelt was assassinated. :'''Parks''': Yeah. :'''Crain''': But in that world, he survived. :'''Parks''': Please, could you keep going? W-What happened next? :'''Crain''': I have something I... could show you. :'''Parks''': Okay. :'''Crain''': ''[shows notebook]'' This is, uh... This is a sketch that I did from a newspaper clipping after FDR was shot at. One bullet could have changed everything. But it didn't. Not there. :'''Parks''': W-What's this one? :'''Crain''': That's Roosevelt. That's after he created the New Deal. :'''Parks''': [[New Deal]]? :'''Crain''': Yeah. Just, um, "Relief, Reform, Recovery." That was the motto, and he completely rebuilt the economy. :'''Parks''': Ended the Depression? :'''Crain''': He did. He also led the US to victory over Nazi Germany. ===''Mauvaise Foi'' [4.5]=== :''[in the wake of the US surrender and the military standing down in early 1946, Colonel Bolden visits John Smith's quarters]'' :'''Colonel Bolden''': I just came from the handover at West Point. Patton shook hands with Goering. It's all settled. First men to sign on will get food and good positions within the Reich. The holdouts will get nothing - or death. We report for duty tomorrow, at 0600. It's up to you. ''[leaves Nazi swastika armbands]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wyatt Price appears at Zina Parks' hideout looking for Juliana Crain, and finds her talking to Parks and some people about events in the other world]'' :'''Zina Parks''': What happened to Himmler and Goring? :'''Man''': And the Nazi leaders? The Allies, they could've put them up against a wall and shot them. :'''Juliana Crain''': That's what had always been done when wars ended, but they decided to do something different. They gave them a fair trial. :'''Man''': Nazis don't deserve a trial. :'''Crain''': Well, they were criminals. Once they put them on the stand, the world could see them for what they were. Their crimes were enormous, but these were small, weak men. They, um, they made excuses. They claimed they didn't know, that they were helpless to stop it. :'''Parks''': Tell them what happened to Hitler. :'''Crain''': He hid out in a bunker and then shot himself in the head. :'''Man''': It seems impossible. ''[chuckles]'' Like a dream. :'''Crain''': If they can be beaten in that world, they can be beaten in this one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the real-life 1964, Reichsmarschall John Smith and the Thomas Smith of that timeline eat at a diner in [[w:Bailey's Crossroads, Virginia|Bailey's Crossroads]] and have just witnessed a black man and woman being hauled out because the manager wouldn't serve them]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Let's go. :'''Thomas Smith''': What? :'''John''': I don't know. I'm just surprised, I guess. :'''Thomas''': I would have thought you'd have done something. :'''John''': Well, what would I do? :'''Thomas''': Said something. Done something. :'''John''': We're not the law. Come on, it's not up to us. Just seems so wrong. :'''Thomas''': They passed [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|a law]] that gives the right to these people to eat at the counter. :'''John''': And this still happens? So, this is the system you want to lay down your life to defend, huh? ''[referring to Thomas' decision to join the Marines]'' :'''Thomas''': This is the system that you fought for. :'''John''': And I came back a hero. Is that what you think? :'''Thomas''': ''[scornfully]'' That's what I thought you were. :'''John''': Is that what you want to be? You want to be a hero? You want to have your face painted on a mural? Maybe have a school named after you? You'd still be dead, Thomas. :'''Thomas''': How can you be sure? :'''John''': Because I've seen it before. I know how it ends. And even if you don't die, you're gonna come back, you're not gonna be the same. It's all bullshit, Thomas. It's a fucking lie. Medals, flags, anthems. Pledges of allegiance. Freedom. I look around me, I don't see freedom. I don't see order. I just see chaos. I don't see anything worth giving my son's life for. :'''Thomas''': Who are you? ''[storms out]'' :'''John''': Thomas. Tho... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the real-life 1964, Daniel Levine excuses himself from what should have been a fun time watching football with the Smiths, but John Smith goes after him]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Danny. ''[sadly looks down]'' You know I had no choice, right? :'''Daniel Levine''': What do you mean, John? :'''Smith''': ''[teary-eyed]'' It's no use. It's no use. I... You're not gonna understand. I'm sorry. :'''Levine''': ''[comforts him]'' Hey. Hey, we're brothers, right? You got nothing to ''[deeply embraces John]'' feel sorry for. ''[long pause]'' I got you. ''[gently breaks off embrace and leaves]'' ===''All Serious Daring'' [4.6]=== :''[When Childan reemerges at his store and explains to his assistant, Yukiko, why he should talk to the Kempeitai about not being part of the BCR's Presidio raid, she's not too keen]'' :'''Yukiko''': Your optimism is so American. :'''Robert Childan''': What do you mean? :'''Yukiko''': When I was 14, a man came to our village to collect the young girls. He told us we'd be nurses in the city and work with the war effort. I was excited. I wanted to go, but my father knew what he meant. They made the girls ''bainshunfu''. :'''Childan''': Prostitutes. :'''Yukiko''': My father took me to the local authority. Sergeant Tanaka - a man he trusted. Tanaka scared off the man from the city, and I felt safe. And I'm working in the field, and Tanaka came. He took me in the field. My face in the dirt. I told my father what Tanaka had done to me. My father demanded my honor be restored. :'''Childan''': Your father killed him? :'''Yukiko''': No, Robert. He made me marry him. My father shook Tanaka's hand at the wedding, and I was married with the man for 12 years. The day Tanaka died was the day I was born. Never be ashamed of eating mice. We're survivors. We will outlive these men. All their honor, all their ribbons and medals are there to disguise who they really are, but their crimes are always revealed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having just arrested General Yamori and killed Captain Iijima over the assassination of Nobusuke Tagomi, Kido visits the Japanese Crown Princess]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': This file holds the evidence that Captain Iijima was the man who shot Trade Minister Tagomi. Iijima was working under the orders of General Yamori. :'''Crown Princess''': I am shocked, but I am not surprised. This occupation has turned our people against themselves. I understand your son served in Manchuria. :'''Kido''': Yes, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': I hope for a day we no longer need to send our sons to war. I will see that this information is delivered to the Emperor himself. There will be consequences. Chief Inspector, I know where your political sympathies lie. :'''Kido''': My loyalties will always lie with the emperor. :'''Crown Princess''': This must not have been easy. :'''Kido''': It was my duty. Nothing more. ===''No Masters but Ourselves'' [4.7]=== :''[Bell Mallory addresses BCR members setting up their bombs for the Crimson Pipeline]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': You don't have to do this. You can leave right now. Door's wide open. You will not be judged. ''[to young girl]'' Set the timer for 25 minutes. Enough time for you to get clear without anyone finding the parcel. ''[girls hum accordingly]'' Some of you will be captured. I know you know what that means. Most we can promise is to fight every day for your release. ''[to man preparing shoeboxes]'' That's some beautiful shoes you just cobbled together. Your families will be cared for. We don't forget what our soldiers have given to the struggle. We do this because we want the life our people have never had before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen Smith appears as a guest on the cooking show'' Hausfrau with Gabriela - ''indirectly on Margerete Himmler's suggestion]'' :'''Gabriela''': Now, you have been married to ''Reichsmarschall'' John Smith for - :'''Helen Smith''': Twenty years. And how the time has flown. :'''Gabriela''': So, what is your secret to a happy marriage? How do you manage to keep the fire burning? :'''Smith''': I can answer that in one word. A word that we can use on Reich TV? :'''Gabriela''': I think we can use it. :'''Smith''': Yes. Honesty. That, to me, is the foundation of a successful marriage. :'''Gabriela''': Helen, think back to your first Reichsgiving, the first moment you first gave thanks for National Socialism. :'''Smith''': Um, hmm... Oh, um, it would be February, '46, just after The Liberation. John was still in the ''[clears throat]'' John was in the US Army. Um, we had been posted to Fort Monmouth, and we had just had our son. Thomas was, um, he was just a baby. :'''Gabriela''': It's all right. Take a moment. :'''Smith''': No, no, I - I'd like to talk about it. We hadn't eaten in days. I thought that my baby was going to starve in my arms. A man, a Reich colonel, he came to our door. He brought us milk, bread, cheese, meat. It was all airlifted in by the Reich in an act of mercy. And my baby he finally stopped crying. :'''Gabriela''': From that day forward, thanks to that spirit of mercy, there has never again been hunger in the Reich. ''[audience applauds]'' And who else was there that night? :'''Smith''': Um, it It was Uh, well well, it was just just us, our family. :'''Gabriela''': As it should be? :'''Smith''': John, myself and Thomas, and... We put the past behind us. :'''Gabriela''': Thanks, Helen. We would love to have you back on the show again, any time. :'''Smith''': Yes, yes. I- I would like that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the wake of the Crimson Pipeline bombings, Chief Inspector Kido dons headphones but eventually puts them down to set the radio on full blast]'' :'''DJ Evangeline''': DJ Evangeline coming to you live from from Resistance Radio with breaking news from the JPS. :'''Bell Mallory''': I speak for the Oakland Battalion of the Black Communist Rebellion. We claim responsibility for today's attacks on the vital services, command-and-control, and oil infrastructure of the Japanese occupiers. We seek an autonomous territory for black people on the West Coast. And we will never quit. And the Empire's oil will not flow until we get our homeland. All power to the people. :'''DJ Evangeline''': All power to the people, indeed, Sister. There you have it, direct from the BCR. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido is forced to get the Crown Princess out of San Francisco]'' :'''Crown Princess''': ''[stops and security detail deploys in a wheel around her]'' Before I go, I must ask you to be truthful with me one more time. When I've made my report to the Emperor, he will ask me one question. And the answer I give... will depend on what you report. :'''Kido''': I understand, Your Highness. :'''Crown Princess''': Can we hold this territory? :'''Kido''': I believe that in time with enough firepower and troops, we can finish these Negro rebels. But the price will be paid with the blood and souls of the sons of Japan. I once felt that any price was worth paying. We can prevail, Crown Princess... but I no longer believe we should. :'''Crown Princess''': I realize what you've just said goes against your every instinct. For that, you have my respect, ''Tai-sa.'' Rest assured, I will bring your message to the Emperor. ''[Kido bows and the team ushers her to her limo]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emperor Hirohito makes an [[w:Jewel_Voice_Broadcast|address]]]'' :'''[[w:Emperor Showa|Emperor Hirohito]]''': ''[in Japanese with English translator voiceover]'' To our good and loyal subjects, after pondering the general trends of the world, and conditions obtaining in our Empire today, I am effecting a settlement of the present situation by resorting to an extraordinary measure. We declared war on America to ensure Japan's self-preservation, it being far from our thought to infringe on the sovereignty of other nations or to embark upon territorial aggrandizement. Our North American Occupation has lasted for nearly 20 years. Despite the best that has been done by everyone, the gallant efforts of our military and naval forces, continuing occupation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage. Should we continue to devote our precious resources to occupying the Japanese Pacific States, it would threaten the protection of the Japanese homeland. This is the reason I have ordered the strategic withdrawal of our occupying forces from the JPS. I am keenly aware of the inmost feelings of all of you, my subjects. However, I have resolved to redeploy our awesome might and manpower from our North American territories to the front lines of the escalating Asian conflict. Let our entire nation continue as one family, ever firm in its faith of the imperishableness of our Imperial State. ===''Hitler has Only got One Ball'' [4.8]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido has a toast with the surviving'' Kempeitai ''staff who will join the Japanese evacuation]'' :'''Chief Inspector Kido''': I look around at all your young faces. Well, some not so young anymore. So many young men have come through this department. Not all of them will be going home to Japan today. I was a hard boss. I know. I demanded everything of my men. I rarely gave praise. There were young men who died at my command trying to please me. And even as they died in my arms, I offered no kind word. So, I will say it now. You make me proud. Each one of you. ''[offers toast and bows] Okuro! [they all drink and Kido dons his glasses]'' Now... go to the docks and sail back home. Your families miss you terribly. Do not keep them waiting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smith visits Aberndsen after he discovers Caroline committed suicide]'' :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': I'm sorry this happened, Aberndsen. :'''Hawthorne Aberndsen''': You're the reason it happened, John. She knew there was no other way to escape a life sentence. :'''Smith''': It didn't have to be a life sentence. If you just cooperated, you could've had your freedom. :'''Aberndsen''': What the hell do you know about freedom? :'''Smith''': Come on. :'''Aberndsen''': What's it gonna take to kill me, John? What do I have to do? :'''Smith''': Oh, I'm not gonna let you die. :'''Aberndsen''': Yeah. We'll see about that. You keep coming to me for answers, well, here's the last answer you're ever getting from me: you're cursed. John Smith, you're damned. You fucked with the Fates, and they don't like that. You'll never know peace, John. ''[as Smith leaves]'' You'll wander forever between the worlds lost! LOST!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bell Mallory and the BCR forces storm the now-empty Japanese Authority office, but sees a figure smoking at the governor-general's table while music is played]'' :'''Bell Mallory''': Who are you? :'''Man''': My name is Okami. :'''Mallory''': The BCR has claimed this place in the name of the people of San Francisco. You'd do well to be on the next ship out of here. :'''Okami''': ''[nurses cigarette, but puts it down]'' We're not going anywhere. :'''Mallory''': "We"? :'''Okami''': The services we provide are always in demand. No matter who occupies the throne. :'''Elijah''': ''Gokudo''. Yakuza. :'''Mallory''': You have no place in San Francisco anymore. :'''Okami''': You're going to need us. To restore electricity. Water. The oil pipeline. ''[calmly stands up]'' It's one thing to overthrow a government. It's another thing to ''be'' the government. :'''Mallory''': We've come this far. We don't need you. :'''Okami''': ''[walks to the door but politely bows to Mallory as everybody has their guns aimed at him. takes one last look]'' You know how to find us. ''[leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Whitcroft has played for Smith a sampling of ARBI Director J Edgar Hoover's plans for universal surveillance]'' :'''Bill Whitcroft''': ''[turns off tape]'' There's more, John. Your housekeeper, your wife's friends, your old neighbors. If you had a dog, he would be informing on you. I don't have to tell you they mean to use all this against you in Berlin. There's, um another way. :'''John Smith''': What's that? :'''Whitcroft''': You know I'm loyal to you above all. All right, it's been 25 years - :'''Smith''': Just say it, Bill. :'''Whitcroft''': We have 103 nukes in silos across the country. On our own we are a superpower. We could go our own way, John. Our military will fall in behind you. We tear up that flag, there's nothing Berlin can do about it. Unless they wanted World War III. :'''Smith''': You realize you could be shot for saying that? :'''Whitcroft''': I'm willing to take that chance. Look, I'll follow you wherever you go. :'''Smith''': I have to go to Berlin, Bill. If anything should happen to me, then, uh Helen and the girls need to be taken to safety without delay. :'''Whitcroft''': Of course. :'''Smith''': I've made detailed plans for their well-being. They're in my safe. ''[gives key]'' This is the key. :'''Whitcroft''': You don't have to do this, John. :'''Smith''': I think we both know that's not true. ===''For Want of a Nail'' [4.9]=== :''[Chief Inspector Kido wakes up to Empire TV-San Francisco's farewell broadcast]'' :'''ETV Announcer''': ''[in Japanese]'' Soon, the last ship leaves for Japan and with it the life we have made here. This concludes the final broadcast of Empire TV San Francisco. Farewell. Long live the Emperor! ''[Cut to Rising Sun flag and [[w:Kimigayo|Kimigayo]] as background music.]'' :'''Kido''': ''[tries to sing along]'' Continue for a thousand, eight thousand generations, until the pebbles... ''[simply listens until the end]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido suddenly has visions of watching a Nippon Professional Baseball game... with his son Toru as a child]'' :'''Toru Kido''': Okudaira was a good trade for Yanaihara. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Okudaira? :'''Toru''': Aren't you going to eat your manju? :'''Takeshi''': You can have it. :'''Toru''': Coach Egawa says he may move me to shortstop next season. :'''Takeshi''': Shortstop. That is a very important position. Very demanding. You must have impressed Coach Egawa. :'''Toru''': ''[watches match]'' Ground ball to second. :'''Takeshi''': Out at first. :'''Toru''': Someday, I want to grow up and play shortstop for the [[w:Yomiuri Giants|Yomiuri Giants]]. :'''Takeshi''': Do not let your imagination run away with you. :'''Toru''': Of course. :'''Takeshi''': You will serve in the army. :'''Toru''': ''[glumly]'' I'm sorry, Father. :'''Takeshi''': ''[looks in the distance]'' If you work hard enough, you will become a fine ballplayer. We will go to the park and practice fielding ground balls. ''[looks back at Toru]'' How does that sound - ? ''[but sees Toru is no longer there]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The OKW discuss attacking the former Japanese Pacific States with a full combined ground and air assault]'' :'''SS Oberstgruppenfuhrer Adolf Eichmann''': ''[in German, details animation in map]'' The conquest of the North American West will unfold in stages. First, the Luftwaffe will disable critical command-and-control infrastructure and carpet-bomb population centers. San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, and so on. :'''Reichsmarschall John Smith''': Forgive me, General how much value to the Reich will these cities have if they're reduced to rubble? :'''Eichmann''': ''[in English]'' The aerial assault will break the will of the population. Next, our Panzer divisions will cross the border from the Neutral Zone in a blitzkrieg strike. Supported by our Wehrmacht battalions, we will have control of the West Coast within a week. :'''Fuhrer Heinrich Himmler''': Smith. You are a skeptic? :'''Smith''': Invading the West is one thing, ''[to Himmler, nodding respectfully] Mein Fuhrer''. Holding it is another. :'''Eichmann''': The BCR are crude savages. They rely on animal instinct. :'''Smith''': That's what the Japanese thought. :'''Eichmann''': We use different methods, ''Reichsmarschall'', and they have never failed to achieve results, as you know. :'''Smith''': Yes. :'''Himmler''': The question is not whether or how or when, Smith. For that is our destiny. The question is ''who''. Who will lead the conquest of North America? A prize second only to Europa herself. Do you really believe that you deserve it, Smith? Or should I bestow it on someone else? ''[points]'' Eichmann, perhaps? Or Goertzmann? :'''Eichmann''': ''Mein Fuhrer'', perhaps this duty can only be entrusted to a member of the German ''Herrenvolk''. :'''Himmler''': What do you say to that, Smith? :'''Smith''': I disagree. :'''Himmler''': That is all? :'''Smith''': ''[stands up]'' America is a rebel nation, ''[nods] mein Fuhrer''. A German commander might - if you'll forgive me - promote unrest in the military. Only an American can truly control it. :'''Himmler''': But you do not control America, Smith. Rebellion is rampant, and I have a bullet wound to prove it! :'''Eichmann''': Is the problem that he can't control America? Or is it that he won't? :'''Smith''': What are you insinuating, Eichmann? :'''Himmler''': He is asking where your true loyalties lie, Smith. And I have been wondering the same thing myself. But tonight, at last, we are all going to learn the truth about John Smith. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Himmler talks to John Smith about J Edgar Hoover's revelations of him]'' :'''Himmler''': ''[takes a drink]'' When a man gets to be my age, he needs a son. I thought of you as that son, John. I saw myself in you. If anyone had hurt you, shot you, as those assassins did me, I would have hunted them down and strangled them with my bare hands. But you did nothing to avenge me. Where's the tribute to the man who gave you everything? When did you even visit me when I was sick? Nothing. ''[Smith is blank]'' Say something, Smith. If not for yourself, then for your family. Say something in your defense!! :'''Smith''': What can I say, ''mein Fuhrer''? You're... You're right. I never loved you. I never saw you as a, a father. I saw you as a, a petty little tyrant. You're a mediocre man. ''[sees Himmler coughing at the words and retreats to his oxygen tank]'' A failed chicken farmer. The very thought that you see yourself in me, it sickens me. ''[Himmler inhales from the tank, but upon noticing something different, Smith makes him breathe the gas in until he dies. Smith turns off the oxygen tank, which is actually a tank of Zyklon B.]'' ===''Fire from the Gods'' [4.10]=== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Production director''': Okay, quiet, everyone. Cameras rolling. We go live in five... four... :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the ''Reichsfuhrer'' of North America. :'''Reichsfuhrer John Smith''': My fellow Americans. The last few days have been difficult for us all. Heinrich Himmler was a father to our people. We mourn his loss. But with his passing comes an opportunity for rebirth and renewal. A change has come to the Western states, and with it, a chance to take our divided land and bring it back together. A great transformation is coming. Soon, we will be one nation again. <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith and her daughters have just watched Bell Mallory's pirate broadcast from the former Empire TV San Francisco studios. Jennifer is moved]'' :'''Jennifer Smith''': Amy, go to your room. :'''Amy Smith''': You're not my mother, you can't tell me to go to my room. :'''Jennifer''': You don't want to hear this. :'''Helen Smith''': ''[ushers Amy]'' Sweetheart. It's, it's time for bed. Come on, I'll tuck you in in a minute. :'''Jennifer''': It was you. You and Daddy. You killed them. :'''Helen''': Killed who? :'''Jennifer''': The Negroes, the Jews, all those people. What happened to them? :'''Helen''': Oh. :'''Jennifer''': I need to hear it from you. :'''Helen''': Okay, uh, they, they they sent them to camps. :'''Jennifer''': And what did they do in the camps? :'''Helen''': They forced them to work. :'''Jennifer''': Then what? Where are they now? :'''Helen''': They're gone. They killed them. :'''Jennifer''': And you and Daddy were a part of it. :'''Helen''': Yes. Yes, we were. It It was a different time. We felt like our world... It had just ended, it was a decision that we made for one day that led to 20 years. :'''Jennifer''': You could have escaped to the Neutral Zone. :'''Helen''': Yeah, we could have, yes. But we didn't. :'''Jennifer''': So you joined the Party instead. Daddy was in the SS. :'''Helen''': I did it because I well, I believed in it. Not at first, but later I-I - I believed in all of it. :'''Jennifer''': The camps where they killed - the Jews and the Negroes? :'''Helen''': All of it. All of it. They told us it was necessary. I didn't ask any questions. I didn't even think about those people until... oh... ''[gets emotional]'' Until we became those people. :'''Jennifer''': You got all this. :'''Helen''': We didn't do it for this. We did it to keep you alive. :'''Jennifer''': You didn't keep Thomas alive, did you? :'''Helen''': Oh, God, Jennifer, don't you think that I know that? :'''Jennifer''': They took him away. :'''Helen''': I am begging you, please, please, please. :'''Jennifer''': They poisoned him! :'''Helen''': Don't, don't do this. :'''Jennifer''': He was my brother! I loved him too! Ye- I know how you must see us, but everything we have was bought with other people's lives. :'''Helen''': You were our children. Our babies. :'''Jennifer''': How many were there? In America? In Europe, in Africa, how many? :'''Helen''': I-I don't - I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': And they're gonna do it all over again, aren't they? And Daddy's gonna be in charge, isn't he? :'''Helen''': I don't know. :'''Jennifer''': I don't ever want to be like you. :'''Helen''': You shouldn't have to be. ''[Jennifer storms out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kido has agreed to join the Ninkyo Dantai Yakuza to save his son, and is seeing him off on a trawler bound for Japan]'' :'''Takeshi Kido''': ''[tries to talk to Toru but sees Yakuza man in earshot]'' Tell me, in the ''gokudo'', do I outrank you? :'''Yakuza member''': Yes, ''saiko-komon''. :'''Takeshi Kido''': Then go away. ''[man leaves. to Toru]'' There are things that must be said. :'''Toru Kido''': You don't have to- :'''Takeshi''': I have failed you as a father. The first duty of a parent is to protect his child. :'''Toru''': Stop. :'''Takeshi''': Let me finish. I never showed my true affection for you. I have so many regrets. I can only say that you will always be my son. :'''Toru''': Come home with me. The invasion will begin soon. :'''Takeshi''': There is no going back. I have much to atone for, and I must start here. :'''Toru''': ''[in Japanese] Goodbye, father. [boards ship. As the ship leaves, Toru salutes his father one last time]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Helen Smith admits being contacted by the Resistance and John confirms the existence of another Thomas]'' :'''Helen Smith''': This, this portal you're talking about I-I mean, what? :'''John Smith''': You've seen it yourself, Helen. You've seen the movies. Well, I've been there. He's alive. :'''Helen''': I have had that fantasy so many times, but it's just that, John, it's a fantasy. :'''John''': No. :'''Helen''': He's not - :'''John''': ''[sits down and clasps her hands]'' I've seen him. Helen, I've seen our beautiful boy. He's real. He's real as you and me. I want you to - I want you to have the same thing I had, Helen, I want you to see him yourself. :'''Helen''': ''[emotional]'' Well, of course I want that, but - :'''John''': He's not sick, he's healthy, he's strong. He's doing so well. He's - There is a [[Vietnam War|war]], and he has enlisted. He is so much like our Thomas. :'''Helen''': Uh, but he's-he's not. He's not our Thomas. :'''John''': I can see what's gonna happen. Helen, he's gonna die all over again unless we do something. We can save him. :'''Helen''': How? :'''John''': We can bring him home. :'''Helen''': ''[surprised at the idea]'' You want to bring this boy here? As what, as a-a prisoner? :'''John''': Now, I've struggled with that. I know it's not gonna be easy, but, uh, I don't think we have any choice. I can't lose him again. He's gonna hate us, but he's gonna be alive, and I can live with that. :'''Helen''': Well, I can't, I can't. I can't live with that. :'''John''': When you see him again, you're gonna change your mind. :'''Helen''': No. ''[stands up]'' :'''John''': Helen - :'''Helen''': No, No! Thomas is dead. Amy isn't ours anymore. Her mind belongs to the state, and Jennifer, well, Jennifer has rejected us. We had three chances and we wasted them all. :'''John''': That-that's where you're wrong, Helen. :'''Helen''': If there is a better version of me out there somewhere, I want her to have my son, because you and I, we don't deserve to have a child. :'''John''': You're saying you have a chance to see your son again and you're not gonna take it? :'''Helen''': I wouldn't want him to see what we have become. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Juliana chances upon John Smith at a clifftop just outside the Poconos portal base]'' :'''John Smith''': ''[sees Juliana]'' There you are. We've seen things... you and me. Other worlds. Other lives. We, we have that in common. It's unbearable. To be able to look through that door and glimpse all the people you could have been. And to know that out of all of them, this is the one you became. ''[commits suicide]'' == Cast == * [[w:Alexa Davalos|Alexa Davalos]] — Juliana Crain * [[w:Rufus Sewell|Rufus Sewell]] — John Smith * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Hawthorne Aberndsen * [[w:Rupert Evans|Rupert Evans]] — Frank Frink * [[w:Luke Kleintank|Luke Kleintank]] — Joe Blake * [[w:DJ Qualls|DJ Qualls]] — Ed McCarthy * [[w:Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa|Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa]] — Nobusuke Tagomi * [[w:Brennan Brown|Brennan Brown]] - Robert Childan * [[w:Joel de la Fuente|Joel de la Fuente]] — Chief Inspector Kido * [[w:Carsten Norgaard|Carsten Norgaard]] — Rudolph Wegener * [[w:Rick Worthy|Rick Worthy]] — Lemuel "Lem" Washington == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=1740299|title=The Man in the High Castle}} * [http://www.tv.com/shows/the-man-in-the-high-castle/ ''The Man in the High Castle''] at [[w:TV.com|TV.com]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Man in the High Castle, The}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Alternate history TV shows]] [[Category:Amazon shows]] [[Category:Nazis in television]] [[Category:Dystopian TV shows]] 03lumkc21tuyvhlaobactquchky8gzh 0 190032 3155767 3146643 2022-08-18T04:50:35Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Curious Case of the Box [5.17] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Robot Chicken]]''. <!-- ===Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]=== --> ===Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]=== :'''Head Executive''': So, to sum up we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola. :'''Executive''': I have to say, it's a a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters! :''[The executives laugh]'' :'''Larry''': Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears? :''[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up. :'''Head Executive'''': Uh, who are you? :''Santa Claus''': Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. ''[points to the executive 3 times]'' Make. Me. Laugh. ''[beat]'' Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?! :'''Larry''': N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that! :'''Santa Claus''': Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? ''[pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]'' :'''Larry''': How did you know that? :'''Santa Claus''': I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. ''[takes off his coat]'' And I know I've never seen a dime and you know what that means, Larry?! ''[whispers]'' I know you're a ''[bleep]''ing thief! :''[Santa attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it]'' :'''Santa Claus''': I'll expect my check in the mail. ''[moves the door which reveals three more scared executives]'' You ''[bleep]''ers can spell North Pole, can't you? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears...''[pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag]'' Think again. Ho ho ho! ''[smiles at the executives]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, crying. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]'' :'''Mother''': And that's the story of the very first Christmas. :'''Daughter''': Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa? :'''Mother''': Hmm. You're right. ''[we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire]'' No Santa, no Christmas. no Christmas presents. :'''Daughter''': ''[crying]'' Awwww! :'''Mother''': Oh, you really would've liked this one. :'''Daughter''': Awwww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]'' :'''Kevin''': When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. ''[we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared]'' Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. ''[back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor]'' Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... ''[In the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate]'' ...check. ''[back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands]'' Safe and sound. ''[falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose]'' The fire! :''[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]'' :'''Kate''': ''[crying]'' Oh, my baby... :'''Harry''': We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay? :''[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]'' :'''Boys''': ''[singing]'' Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its- :''[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]'' :'''Dougie''': ''[surprised]'' Batman?! :''[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]'' :'''Batman''': Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot. :'''Robin''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem. :'''Batman''': ''[sniffs under his armpits]'' Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? ''[grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard]'' I can't hear you. ''[throws Dougie back to his friends]'' :'''Dougie''': ''[starting to cry]'' I want my mommy! :'''Batman''': Yeah, me too. ''[high-fives with Robin]'' :'''Robin''': ''[steps forward]'' I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. ''[suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks]'' You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any ''[bleep]''ing eggs in there?! ''[lets Dougie go]'' :'''Boy''': We gotta go! Run! Get out of here! :''[The three boys start to run down the street]'' :'''Robin''': They're getting away, Batman! :'''Batman''': Not on my watch. ''[presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over]'' The rats are scattering. :'''Robin''': ''[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it]'' Holy, these mother''[bleep]''ers aren't going anywhere! ''[throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]'' :''[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]'' :'''Boy''': ''[desperately]'' Sorry! :'''Robin''': You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry! :''[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]'' :'''Music Teacher''': And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and ''[bleep]''ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]'' :'''Elf''': ''[to Kyle]'' Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break? :'''Kyle''': ''[pause]'' Yes. :'''Elf''': Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billy''': ''[in bed]'' Dad, is Santa Claus real? :'''Billy's Dad''': Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents. :'''Billy''': Does he always live in the North Pole? :'''Billy's Dad''': Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. ''[the scene shows Santa plays baseball]'' He even played for the Cubs. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': Wow! Tell me more about Santa! :'''Billy's Dad''': Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show. :''[Cut to Santa at the studio]'' :'''Santa Claus''': ''[recording his voice]'' You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up? :'''Billy's Dad''': Sure! He was just like you! ''[the scene shows Santa as a baby]'' The apple of his parents' eye. ''[cut back to him and Billy]'' He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. ''[the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music]'' And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': Santa's the coolest! :'''Billy's Dad''': He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. ''[leaves]'' :'''Billy''': Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas. :''[As Billy closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]'' :'''Billy's Dad''': ''[memory]'' He grew up right here in Chicago. ''[he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall]'' He even played for the Cubs. ''[he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken]'' He loves Robot Chicken! ''[he sees the apple logo on his computer]'' The apple of his parents' eye. ''[he also sees his mug; deep voice]'' Barrel of laughs. :''[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]'' :'''Narrator''': The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Boy 1''': Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night. :'''Boy 2''': Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane. :'''Boy 1''': What earthquake? :'''Boy 2''': Exactly, bitch! :'''Superman''': ''[flies down]'' Kids! Kids! Take it easy. :'''Boys''': ''[surprised]'' Superman! :'''Superman''': It's not important who's fastest. :'''Boy 1''': Spoken like a true puss. :'''Superman''': ''[insulted]'' What did you ''[bleep]''ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little ''[bleep]''ing turd?! ''[knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand]'' You come at me. You come at me like a ''[bleep]''ing man! ''[smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]'' :'''Boy 2''': ''[laughing]'' I've got to blog about the ''[bleep]'' that just went down right here! :''[At the North Pole]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? :'''Elf''': So, who is the fastest, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': ''[laugh]'' That's not important. :'''Elf''': Spoken like a true puss. :'''Santa Claus''': ''[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth]'' We doing this, blue balls?! :'''Superman''': You got that right, Saint Dick! ''[cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world]'' Hey! No fair using reindeer! :'''Santa Claus''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you ''[bleep]''ing alien! :''[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]'' :'''Elf Spectator''': It's a tie! :'''Boy 2''': What a complete and total waste of everybody's time! :'''Flash''': Well, even a tie has some entertainment value. :'''Crowd''': Booo!!! :''[The Flash speeds off]'' :'''Superman''': ''[laugh]'' Sorry we took so long, folks. :'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. ''[opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]'' :'''Superman''': Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently! :'''Santa Claus''': Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together. :''[Everyone cheered]'' :'''Superman''': I think they're buying it. Bump it. :'''Santa Claus''': ''[fist bumps with Superman]'' Anticipated. :'''Superman''': Up up and away. :'''Lex Luthor''': ''[waking up]'' What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and- :'''Superman''': Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch. :'''Lex Luthor''': ''[confused]'' What? Weaponiz- :''[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]'' ===Saving Private Gigli [5.2]=== :'''Matthew Senreich''': ''[during the opening ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down]'' I'll tell your story! ''[is shot down]'' :'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal! ===Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4]=== :'''Doctor:''' Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis. ===Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5]=== :''[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing "American Pie", the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]'' :'''Announcer''': ''And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': OK guys, Andy's almost home from college for Spring break! :''[All the toys cheer]'' :'''Slinky''': How would they celebrate a spring breakin'? That's the saddest time for me. :''[The other toys laugh]'' :'''Woody''': Oh, Slink. :'''Buzz''': Silly canine. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': What a freakin' jerk. :'''Rex''': Andy's here! :''[Music plays]'' :'''Sarge''': All right ladies, single file, front and center! ''[all the toys line up for Andy's arrival]'' Commander-in-chief on the premises! :'''Soldier''': You mean Obama? :''[Music stops]'' :'''Sarge''': He's not ''my'' president. :''[The door flies open as Andy comes in, carrying and kissing his girlfriend]'' :'''Slinky''': ''[gets tangled around Andy's leg]'' TELL MY STORY! ''[gets kicked aside sending him flying with an off-screen crash sound effect]'' :'''Woody''': ''[whispers]'' Etch, what's going on up there? :''[Etch draws a diagram of what appears to be doggy-style intercourse off-screen, causing all of the toys to gross out. Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body, making his eyes pop out in streams of vomit]'' :'''Sarge''': OH LORD! :'''Buzz''': You gotta help that girl, Sarge! :'''Sarge''': Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "''[bleep]'' my ''[bleep]''ing box dry" even mean?! :'''Andy''': This is awesome! ''[continues kissing]'' :''As the sounds of kissing stop, Rex nervously looks up at the bed and gets a used condom on his face]'' :'''Rex''': Oh! ''[tries to get it off, but accidentally knocks himself out when he runs into a chest of drawers]'' Oof! :'''Andy''': ''[opens a drawer on his bedside table and searches for something]'' Aw, dammit! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm. :'''Woody''': ''[shocked]'' His favorite toy!? :'''Andy''': ''[picks up Buzz from beside the bed]'' Time to improvise. :'''Buzz''': Aah! :''[Sawing and other noises are heard as Woody looks up in confusion and dismay]'' :'''Woody''': What's he doing with Buzz? :'''Andy''': Yes! And ready for a test drive. :''[Bubbling sounds]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[shocked as well]'' He didn't. Not Buzz... :'''Andy''': ''[inhaling]'' To infinity and beyond! ''[puts down Buzz, now revealed to have been turned into a makeshift bong. His helmet is smashed, his eyes are half-lidded, and the scalp of his head is gone. Smoke is coming out from his head and from a pipe wedged into his crotch; exhaling; intoxicated]'' Domino, motherfucker! ''[laughs]'' Buzzed by Buzz ''[laughs]'' :'''Woody''': ''[nervously]'' Buzz? You okay? :'''Buzz''': ''[in his goofy voice]'' Hello, Woody! ''[gasps]'' Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! ♪ Boop-de-doop doop boop! ♪ ''[dances stupidly]'' Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants. ''[falls backwards]'' :'''Woody''': ''[catches Buzz]'' It's okay, pal. We're here for ya. :''[Cut to sunset, with Woody lying Buzz in a cardboard bed]'' :'''Buzz''': And the farmer, he hauls, another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load! :'''Woody''': ''[holding back tears]'' Good night, sweet prince. :'''Buzz''': We gonna play tomorrow? :'''Woody''': ''[pretending to be happy]'' You bet, pal. You bet. ''[picks up a pillow]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[weak last words]'' To infinity... :''[Woody forces the pillow over Buzz's head, and starts suffocating Buzz with it, and exhausting it straight through his damaged head, and into the receptors of his buttons. Buzz tries to scream again, but he is out of breath from screams from the earlier suffocating. After Buzz stops struggling and falls limp, Woody removes the pillow, and looks at Buzz's dead corpse]'' :'''Woody''': ''[remorsefully]'' ...And beyond. ''[starts to cry]'' ===Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6]=== :'''Tarzan:''' Tarzan love Jane. :'''Jane:''' I love you too, Tarz- :'''Tarzan:''' But, Tarzan not in love with Jane. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Doug''': So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts? :'''Man''': We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. :''[A shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Girl''': ''[gasps]'' A Teddy Ruxpin! He can play any tape and he moves his mouth along with the words! ''[gasps again]'' Thanks, Uncle Gallagher! :'''Gallagher''': Let’s try it out. I've got a copy of my stand up special "Melon Crazy". :''[Teddy comes to life and runs from Gallagher. Jumping the coffee table. Turning at the painting of a melon dodging Gallagher again who crashes into the stand. Teddy then is seen running towards the fireplace before dodging Gallagher’s melon hammer. Teddy lands on the coffee table breaking the glass this time. Gallagher catches Teddy and slams him against the wall. Gallagher pulls the tape from his pocket allowing Teddy to fall to the floor. Gallagher tries to force the tape into Teddy but Teddy deflects every jab. Teddy finally kicks the tape away. Both Teddy and Gallagher jump for the tape but it gets knocked away. Teddy finally gets a cyanide capsule and bites it]'' :'''Gallagher''': NO! He's got a cyanide capsule. ''[Teddy starts foaming at the mouth]'' Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape. ''[Teddy dies]'' He's, uh, he's gone. Ah, we'll have to listen to it in the living room. ''[the girl gasps and pulls out a cyanide capsule and tries to bite it, but Gallagher stops her]'' NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ===Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7]=== :''[At the Krusty Krab]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[burst the kitchen door open]'' [[Soylent Green|Krabby Patties are made out of ''CRABS!!!'']] :''[The customers gasped; the green fish retches, spits]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[nervous chuckle]'' Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy. :'''SpongeBob:''' Then explain this! ''[holds out box of crab legs]'' You said you fired Carl the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! ''[holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[grabs him]'' You little yellow traitor! I treated you like a son, me boy! :'''SpongeBob:''' And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are SQUID!!! ''[Squidward vomits]'' And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!!! :''[The yellow fish pushes bowl out of reach; the angry customers got up and cornered Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Green Fish:''' You fed ass to us! :'''Orange Fish:''' ''[points at Mr. Krabs]'' We gotta pay you to kill us?! :'''SpongeBob:''' You're disgusting! :'''Mr. Krabs:''' No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all sea creatures, boys and girls. Eating the Krabby Patties is what they intended. :''[The customers beat up Mr. Krabs; camera pans away to SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[sighs]'' I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge. :''[At the hospital, an extrememly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side]'' :'''Nurse:''' Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. ''[begins scrubbing with a sponge]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[Pushes scene aside]'' I SAID NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! :'''Nurse:''' Ugh, hope that's pudding in there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ernest opens the windows and sniffs the air]'' :'''Ernest''': Aah, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... ''[suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger]'' Oh, and how I lived to see this day. ''[pulls out a horn and blows it]'' :''[The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor]'' :'''Keebler Elf 1''': ''[nervously]'' Are you sure, Ernest? :'''Ernest''': Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will ''know'' it to be true. :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[off-screen]'' Cooookiiiiie... ''[the soldiers gasp]'' Cooookiiiiie... ''[the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes]'' COOKIE!!! :''[Some of the soldiers screamed in terror]'' :'''Ernest''': Hold! ''[the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers]'' Hold! ''[the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers]'' Hold! ''[runs off, but bumped into one of the elves]'' I owed him overtime. :'''Keebler Elf 2''': Bu-Bu-But you owe ''me'' overtime...which is no big deal. :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[chases them both]'' Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! ''[Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times]'' Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!! :'''Keebler Elf 3''': I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies! :'''Keebler Elf 4''': I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo! :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[crashes through the door]'' COOKIE!!!! ''[grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]'' :'''Keebler Elf 5''': Now, give the monster what he wants! :'''Keebler Elf 6''': Diabetes? :'''Keebler Elf 5''': Good common on modern culture, but no. Cookies! :''[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]'' :'''Keebler Elf 7''': Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! ''[Buckets laughs]'' Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! ''[chuckles]'' Fudge. :'''Cookie Monster:''' ''[through mouth full of cookies]'' Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies... :''[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheered with joy. Then we cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing]'' :'''Cookie Monster's mommy''': ''[crying]'' They know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie. :'''Lawyer''': It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense! :'''Judge Brown''': Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. ''[to Cookie Monster's mommy]'' I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. :'''Cookie Monster's mommy''': ''[shocked]'' Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME ''[BLEEP]''ING KILL YOU!! ''[eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]'' :''[Two police officers step in and shoot her to death]'' ===Schindler's Bucket List [5.8]=== :''[We start with Strawberry Shortcake in her house, congratulating Baby-Needs-A-Name for getting a pet of her own, which resembles a lavender hippopotamus covered in light green dots]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Baby-Needs-A-Name, your wish came true! ''[Baby-Needs-A-Name claps her hands]'' You have a pet of your berry own! :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, but I have another wish. I want to have a name of my berry own, too! :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': We should give you a name soon, and not leave it open to debate! Strawberryland is berry sheltered, but it's a big world out there, and others might have berry different opinions about what constitutes an appropriate name. :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': I'm not worried! :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Well, I'm just saying- ''[but at that moment, Bitch Pudding slams Strawberry Shortcake's front door open]'' Oh. Hello, Bitch Pudding. :'''Bitch Pudding''': Wassup, hoes? ''[then slowly walks to the refrigerator and drags her finger on the dusty table along the way. She sighs, opens the refrigerator, grabs a strawberry soda, kicks the refrigerator closed, takes a sip, and slowly walks out of Strawberry Shortcake's house]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[relieved]'' Whew! ''[to Baby-Needs-A-Name]'' Anyway, I'm sure that one day, someone will give you a name. :'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[crashes through the window feet first back into Strawberry Shortcake's house]'' BLAM! ''[to Baby-Needs-A-Name, cutting Strawberry Shortcake off and flipping her off]'' Your name is ''[Bleep]''face! You ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''face! BLAM! ''[Bleep]''face! BLAM! ''[Bleep]''face! BLAM, bitches! DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!! BITCH PUDDING! ''[exits the house, but not before prying the door open once more to knock over Strawberry Shortcake's teapot with her raised middle finger]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[groans in exasperation]'' I am so sorry! I think she has Asperger's or something, but, don't take it personally, Baby-Needs-A-Name. :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': No, no. Call me ''[Bleep]''face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzo:''' For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am! :'''Hooded Killer:''' No! For your next feat, you die! :''[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. Then he threw some floaties on the hot coals. The scene then dissolves straight to Gonzo's funeral with bagpipes playing in the background]'' :'''Kermit:''' Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Steve Martin:''' The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down- :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[interrupting]'' Oh, are we burying him in a [[w:Sybian|Sybian]]? :''[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin]'' :'''Fozzie''': You know, the last time a Muppet died was- :'''Steve Martin:''': ''[interrupting]'' Excuse me? :'''Fozzie:''' Don't you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"? :'''Steve Martin''': No, this is a funeral. I'm working! Do I come to where you work and knock the ''[bleep]'' outta your mouth?! :'''Kermit''': Wow, Steve's working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about "that night". :''[The Muppets look at Scooter, who waved at them. Cut to Fozzie's room]'' :'''Fozzie:''' And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka! :'''Hooded Killer:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red? :'''Fozzie:''' I don't know, stranger. :'''Hooded Killer:''' Because he was embearrassed! :'''Fozzie:''' ''[deadpan clapping]'' Wocka, wocka. :'''Hooded Killer:''' Then how about this, because I ''[bleep]''ing stabbed you?! ''[stabs Fozzie]'' :'''Fozzie:''' ''[came onto the stage in pain]'' What a show stopper... ''[falls onto the stage floor]'' :'''Statler:''' See? I told you that bear was gonna die onstage tonight. :''[Statler and Waldorf laugh]'' :'''Fozzie:''' Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?! :'''Waldorf:''' You're an ambulance. :''[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage. We cut to the backstage where Kermit and Miss Piggy watched the physicians rolled Fozzie's dead corpse on the stretcher away]'' :'''Kermit:''' First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did to-? :'''Miss Piggy:''' ''[interrupting]'' Don.t say that name, Kermie. :'''Kermit:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, Miss Piggy's telling me what to do! Wow, hey, everybody! Come on over here! You gotta come and see this! Piggy's telling me what to do! WOW, MUST BE A DAY THAT ENDS WITH Y!!!! ''[sees Scooter, who is carrying some props]'' Oh hey, uh, Scooter? :'''Scooter:''' Oh, hey there, boss. :'''Kermit:''' We need to talk about Skeeter's death. :'''Scooter:''' Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident- :'''Kermit:''' ''[interrupting]'' You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you. :''[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' Let's play "The Little Mermaid"! :'''Baby Fozzie:''' Let's question Kermit's sexuality. Wocka wocka! :'''Baby Scooter:''' Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. ''[leaves]'' :'''Baby Skeeter:''' What a nerd. :'''Baby Piggy:''' ''[clears throat]'' Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid". :'''Baby Skeeter:''' Mermaids aren't fat! ''[shoved Piggy, who was offended]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' Yikes! Skeeter, if you wanna take my advice for once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away. :''[Skeeter slapped Kermit away]'' :'''Baby Fozzie:''' Nanny! Skeeter's hitting us again! :'''Baby Kermit:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, who's the homo now? :''[Skeeter tackled Fozzie with many punches, until Kermit knocked her unconscious onto the pool with a wagon, leaving 4 Muppet Babies in shock]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' ''[whispered to them]'' If we do this thing, it's our secret forever. :''[All Muppet Babies agree and Kermit drowned Skeeter in the pool]'' :'''All Muppet Babies:''' NANNY!!!! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Scooter:''' ''[shocked]'' You killed my sister?! :'''Kermit:''' Yeah, it was 60% self-defense, but we're kind of burying the lead here. WE THINK SKEETER'S COMING BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR REVENGE!!!!! :'''Scooter:''' Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge… :''[Scooter becomes Skeeter (I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter), and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear]'' :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' ''[attacks Kermit with a knife]'' Fifteen seconds till your death! :'''Miss Piggy:''' HIIII-YAH! ''[misses and whacked herself into the wall]'' Wuh! :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' Here it comes. Showtime! :'''Camilla''': ''[clucking, subtitled]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|Get away from her, you bitch!]] :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' You can't shoot me! Chickens don't even have fingers! ''[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head]'' Oooooooooh! ''[falls over, dead]'' :'''Steve Martin''': ''[chuckling]'' That bit never gets old. ''[does a silly dance]'' ===Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10]=== :'''The Joker''': ''[laughing sinisterly in his hideout]'' Beware, Gotham City, nothing can stop...The Joker! :''[Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]'' :'''Batman''': No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you! :'''The Joker''': Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat! :'''Batman''': Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. ''[to himself]'' Now what to do? Hmmm... :''[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]'' :'''Judge''': And with the accepted go-to by Batman... ''[aside glance]'' Thank you, Batman. ''[addressing the people]'' The court has decided on the death penalty! :'''Batman''': ''[to Joker]'' It's, uh, it's out of my hands. :''[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words? :'''The Joker''': ''[in an almost sincere voice]'' I know Jesus has forgiven me. :'''Police Officer''': Is that a joke? :'''The Joker''': ''[sobbing]'' No! :'''Police officer''': Here we go! ''[then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to]'' :''[The Joker starts to become violently electrocuted]'' :'''Police Officer''': That's not right. ''[puts on maximum power]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!! :'''The Joker''': ''[as he's still being electrocuted]'' ''[Bleep]'' you, Dork Knight! :''[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]'' :'''Police Officer''': Oh, oh. :''[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': ''[nervously backing away]'' I didn't know- I-I didn't know... :'''Batman''': Wait! ''[opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet]'' But why? :'''Commissioner Gordon''': ''[somberly]'' For Barbara. ''[Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off]'' Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! <hr width="50%"> :''[A game of Contra is being played, with the [[w:Konami Code|Konami Code]] being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]'' :'''Contra Guy''': No!! Damn you Contra bastards! ''[pauses]'' Or are ''we'' the Contras? I can never tell. :''[The other character is brought back]'' :'''Contra Guy''': Wow! You're alive! :'''Other Contra Guy''': Seems that way. Maybe we're immortal? :''[The first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]'' :'''Both''': ''[high-fiving each other]'' Groundhog Day, mother''[bleep]''ers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Other Contra Guy''': ''[grabs a grenade]'' Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal ''[bleep]''ers! Run for the hills! ''[the grenade explodes and he dies, but '''''DOES NOT''''' respond]'' :'''Contra Guy''': What? No! What kind of sick ''[bleep]'' gives a man exactly thirty lives? ''[is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Nerd''': ''[to his computer]'' Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I ''[starts falling asleep]'' love you more than-any-individual-family member. ===Beastmaster and Commander [5.11]=== :'''[[w:Justin Beiber|Justin Beiber]]''': ''[singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice]'' Woooah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys ''[Game Boys.]'' And I'm feeling so highhhh ''[Feeling so high, girl.]'' I like Skittles, Sk-Skittles, Skittles, Skittles. :'''Director''': And cut! ''[turns towards the producer]'' This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on. :'''Producer''': Edgy? :'''Director''': Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome. :'''Producer''': That's a little boy! :''[The Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, which of course is barely understood by the audience due to the usual "wah-wah-wah" style most Peanuts adults speak in]'' :'''Charlie Brown''': Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here. :'''Lucy''': You'll always be the ''[bleep]'' catcher, Charlie Brown! :'''Sally''': Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo! :'''Linus''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, brother! :''[A new kid named Ren struts in]'' :'''Ren''': Hey everyone! My name's Ren. [[Footloose|Ren McCormick]]. :'''Sally''': ''[pushes Linus away]'' Hello!! :'''Charlie Brown''': You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production. :'''Ren''': I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. ''[silence]'' You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. ''[silence, then sighs]'' I'm [[w:Kevin Bacon|Kevin Bacon's]] character from Footloose. ''[still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance]'' Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen. :'''Pigpen''': Excuse me? :'''Ren''': Sorry, ''[bleep]''-box... :'''Pigpen''': It's Pigpen. :'''Ren''': Sorry. :'''Pigpen''': It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best. :'''Ren''': You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is ''that'' guy even doing? :''[Cuts to the kid dancing the running man]'' :'''Kid''': I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!! :'''Ren''': Sorry, I need to get the ''[bleep]'' out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. ''[leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]'' :'''Ren's Classmate''': Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional! :'''Ren''': Alright! :'''Ren's Classmate''': Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks. :'''Ren''': ''[stops dancing]'' Rats! <hr width="50%"> :''[The "Bloopers!" logo shows up, and then the host walks onto the screen, moving it out of view]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, which cost money, which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai school boys. ''[audience laughs]'' So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life! :''[The first blooper is of the host [as a kid] and his father watching TV, which shows a singing woman named Boy George]'' :'''Bloopers Host as a child''': Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer. She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen! ''[but in objection, his father jumps up to start whipping him with his belt]'' No, Daddy, don't! :'''Bloopers Host's Father''': Her first name is Boy, dill-weed! ''[his son runs into the kitchen]'' You come back here! This is homo kryptonite, son! :''[Cut back to the present host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': You might say my balls were scared straight. ''[audience laughs again]'' This next clip really made me the butt of the joke. ''[points to his behind as he says this]'' :''[The Bloopers Host is seen at a small bar in Mexico, cheering as he munches on a taco, which he mistakes for a burrito]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': This burrito is spicy! ''[chugs down a glass of water]'' Nothing beats Mexican tap water. ''[stomach starts to groan, making him hold it in pain]'' That was probably a mistake. :''[We cut to the host defecating in a restroom on the toilet, looking more and more stressed as he does. As we move by several shots of him, they get faster and faster until his diarrhea can no longer fit in the toilet and bursts out, leaving it splattered across the room and the toilet in pieces. Afterwards, we go back to the host during the present]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': My asshole is still fifty percent scar tissue. ''[spins around, making the audience laugh some more]'' Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way...or another. :''[The next clip is of the host and a friend of his at a party, where a fat girl balances a plate of food on her chest]'' :'''Friend''': Aw, come on, man. You've gotta cash in that V card sometime. You're the only virgin I know, bro. :'''Bloopers Host''': Mmm, yeah, but she's so... :'''Friend''': Dude, it's starter pussy! You'll work your way up the food chain; I promise. :''[We cut to the host in bed with the fat girl, indicating that they have just had sex]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[groans]'' Geez, sorry. It was my first time. :'''Fat Girl''': Yeah, you said that. I've got an early class, so... :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[holding up a wrapped condom]'' Probably a bit late to put this on, huh? :'''Fat Girl''': ''[panicked and angry]'' You didn't put-?! Oh, my God! ''[we flip to sometime later, where the host opens the door to see her again]'' And I'm pregnant. :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[confused]'' How can you tell? :''[We cut back to the present host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Well, that's all the time I have. Yep, it's goodbye to the Bloopers Host. You might say, "Time is up." ''[takes out two swords]'' For my next trick, I'll need an assistant. Please welcome my pregnant thirteen year old daughter, Stephanie. That's right! I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule. :'''Stephanie''': ''[frustrated, grabbing one sword]'' Dad, my ankles hurt! Please drive me home. :'''Bloopers Host''': Just as soon as Daddy commits Hara-Kiri, honey. So when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana! :'''Stephanie''': ''[sighs]'' I'll be in the car. ''[leaves]'' :''[The audience laugh, insulting the host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Stop mocking me. ''[from his point of view, there is no audience on the seats, but we can hear louder laughs, making him almost cry]'' Stop mocking me! ''[is about to stab himself]'' :'''Stephanie''': ''[off-screen]'' Dad! :'''Bloopers Host''': Coming! ''[drops the sword and walks out of the studio with a frustrated look on his face]'' :''[Lastly, we cut to Stephanie all alone with the title: "Stephanie Miscarried" underneath her; then the same German biplane from the sketch "Ren McCormack" flies by and riddles the still frame of her mid-section with bullet holes that spell out: "THE END", concluding the episode]'' ===The Departy Monster [5.13]=== :'''Princess Peach''': Mother, Father, this is my boyfriend Mario. :'''Queen''': Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari-oh!, Did a pig ''[bleep]'' out a dead fetus in here? :'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a your forgiveness. I come-a here through the sewer line. :'''Princess Peach''': Mario's a plumber. :'''King''': So he commutes through human waste? :'''Princess Peach''': And he's Italian. :'''King''': Oh, okay. Say no more. :''[Cut to the Royal Living Room, Mario searches for something in a sofa]'' :'''Queen''': Did you lose something, Mario? :'''Mario''': Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! ''[holds up a coin]'' :'''Queen''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, in OUR sofa. :''[Mario puts the coin in his pocket]'' :'''King''': And there it goes. :''[Cut to the Royal Dinner Room]'' :'''Mario''': So I says, "Eh, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels-They ain't the same thing!" ''[laughs]'' :'''Queen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Mmm, another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup. :'''Mario''': ''[shocked]'' Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! ''[sneezes, and grows bigger]'' :'''Princess Peach''': Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon. :'''Mario''': I'm so sorry. I have a few allergies. ''[slides towards the wall and bumps into a flower]'' Mama mia! Flowers! ''[Sneezes, turns into Fire Mario and starts to sneeze fireballs. One hits the drapes, and one the Queen's dress]'' :'''Queen''': Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes! :'''King''': Both equally dusty. :'''Mario''': Ay-yi-yi! ''[sneezes]'' :''[When sneezing, Mario accidentally bumps into a Koopa shell which bumps into three blocks. We then hear the Game Over music as the castle goes under]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[We see Frodo and Sam at the cracks of Mount Doom. Frodo is about to throw the One Ring into the fire]'' :'''Samwise Gamgee''': Throw it in the fire, Mr. Frodo! :'''Frodo Baggins''': No! The ring is mine, Sam! ''[puts the ring on his finger, which makes him invisible]'' :'''Gollum''': ''[appears and jumps on the invisible Frodo]'' My precious! Give us back my precious! ''[starts to bite on the invisible penis, mistaken it as Frodo's finger, starts sucking it up, and spits it out]'' Bleh! We found hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious? :'''Frodo Baggins''': ''[while being invisible]'' It's there. It's-It's just further back. ''[Gollums tries again, and starts choking again]'' It's there. Yeah, right there. :'''Gollum''': But it's stuck. :'''Frodo Baggins''': You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet. ''[Gollum tries again, and gags]'' You're almost there. Just a little more. ''[Gollum starts sucking it all up]'' Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes! The Shire! :'''Gollum''': ''[spits everything out, gags, and cries]'' Where's precious?! :'''Frodo Baggins''': ''[becoming visible again, and hands Gollum the ring]'' Here. You've earned it. :'''Gollum''': ''[takes the ring]'' My precious! ''[laughs, puts on the ring, which also makes him invisible for a moment, then takes it out and drops it on the ground]'' Oh? ''[kicks the ring with his foot to Frodo]'' Whoopsie! If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we? :'''Frodo Baggins''': Mm-hmm. ===Some Like It Hitman [5.14]=== :''[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]'' :'''McGonagall''': Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger. :'''Hermione''': Orchideous! :'''McGonagall''': Mr. Potter. :'''Harry''': Orchideous! :'''McGonagall''': Mr. Longbottom. :'''Neville''': Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. (his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face) :'''McGonagall''': What happened? :'''Hermione''': His spell! He was only off by one syllable! :'''McGonagall''': Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful. :'''[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]'' :'''Snape''': Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. ''[the students just look at him and not doing anything]'' Well? What are you waiting for? :'''Ron''': We usually don't start until you insult Harry. :'''Snape''': Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool! :''[The students start to mix potions]'' :'''Ron''': ''[after mixing his potion]'' Well, bottoms up. ''[drinks it]'' :'''Hermione''': How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use? :'''Ron''': Uh, three? ''[his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]'' :'''Hermione''': Professor Snape, what happened? :'''Snape''': He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like. :'''Harry''': He used '''''one extra drop'''''! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim! :'''Hermione''': This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color? :'''Snape''': Uh...Potter, you fool? :''[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]'' :'''McGonagall''': Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines. :''[No students are in the classroom]'' :'''Snape''': Uh...Where are all the students? :''[Cut to the American school]'' :'''Harry''': Hey...Where's Hermione? :'''Girl''': Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook! :'''Teacher''': Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself. :''[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from [[Beauty and the Beast]] is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]'' :'''Lumiere''': ''[sung]'' So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast. :'''Cogsworth''': Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! :''[A chamber pot appears]'' :'''Defecacci''': ''[butting in]'' Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. :After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face. :'''Lumiere''': ''[pushes Chamber Pot away]'' Have some seconds/eat a lot- :'''Defecacci''': Then come meet your chamber pot... :'''Lumiere''' ''[speaking, as music stops completely]'' Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here! :'''Defecacci''': What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot! :'''Lumiere''': None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating! :'''Defecacci''': Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci ''after'' dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my- :'''Lumiere''': ''[angrily]'' I said, people are EATING! :'''Defecacci''': ''[bounds away in a huff]'' Dah, porca miseria... :'''Lumiere''': OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go? :''[Cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]'' :'''Defecacci''': Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn. :'''Belle''': ''[in disgust]'' Does ''everything'' have to be a ''[bleep]''ing song?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Phillipson''': ''[discovering his sex client is a duck]'' Holy ''[bleep]''! You're a duck! :'''Della Duck''': That's right, baby! Now why don't cha ruffle my feathers? :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Why are you, a duck?! Oh my God! :'''Della Duck''': I'm what you ordered. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': I did NOT order a duck! :'''Della Duck''': I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?! :'''Della Duck''': ''[sighs]'' Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not ''[bleep]'' a cartoon duck. Normally, not ''[bleep]'' a ''[bleep]'' duck is ''[bleep]'' free. :'''Della Duck''': ''[dials her cell phone]'' We have a problem. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Who are you calling? :''[Della's bodyguard bursts in]'' :'''Stedman''': ''[in a stereotypical gangster patois]'' Have we got some sort of problem? :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end... :'''Stedman''': Just pay the duck! :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- ''[starts getting beaten up]'' :'''Della Duck''': Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!! ===The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15]=== :''[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]'' :'''Kratos''': I, [[God of War|Kratos]], the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! ''[walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]'' :'''Artemis''': ''[voice]'' Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs! :'''Kratos''': Uh, one of them's a dude. :'''Artemis''': What's the problem? You're in Greece. :'''Kratos''': I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE! :'''Artemis''': Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs. :'''Kratos''': ''[thinking]'' The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down. :'''Artemis''': We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls. :'''Kratos''': What? Who do you think I am?! :'''Artemis''': We already established that. Now we're just negotiating. :'''Kratos''': Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning. :'''Artemis''': I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes. :'''Kratos''': Alright. ''[pauses]'' You're not going to watch, are you? :'''Artemis''': Only as long as I need to. ===The Curious Case of the Box [5.17]=== :'''[[w:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]''': ''[climbing Mt. Everest]'' My name is Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': ''[quickly sees Swiper, stopping him]'' Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! :'''Swiper''': ''[freezing up]'' B-but Dora, I'm dying! I have severe altitude sickness! :'''Dora''': ''[pulls down her scarf to reveal a grin on her face and points to it]'' See this face? :'''Swiper''': Y-Yes? :'''Dora''': This is my not-giving-a-''[bleep]'' face! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': ''[holding up her gloved hand]'' Here's another choice for you. Guess which finger? I hope you guessed the one that means "''[Bleep]'' you!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': We did it! ''[the Fiesta Trio jump up from nowhere and celebrate with them, but suddenly get totally frozen! Dora grabs one of the members and eats him, gushing green blood out and making Boots gasp]'' I'm an explorer. Food is food. ''[grabs another one and eats him as Boots watches in shock. We then cut to the duo walking back down the mountain to see Swiper right where they left him; Swiper is now shivering and frostbitten all over]'' :'''Swiper''': ''[shivering]'' H-H-Help...m-m-me... :'''Dora''': ''[whispers]'' Got you something. ''[puts a gun in Swiper's hand with it pointing to his head]'' :'''Swiper''': ''[pulls the trigger twice, but the gun just clicks; whispers back]'' You bitch. ''[Dora pulls her scarf down and smirks at him; She and Boots walk on, again leaving Swiper all alone. He looks off into the distance and sees the Grim Reaper coming towards him through the blizzard]'' R-R-Reaper, no r-r-reaping...R-R-Reaper, no reaping...Reaper- :'''The Grim Reaper''': Doink! ''[walks closer to him and pokes him on the head, killing him instantly, and a ghastly scream is heard. The Grim Reaper then chuckles in happiness to end the sketch]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesus''': ''[the [[w:Death (personification)|Grim Reaper]] has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven]'' You can't do that! :'''Grim Reaper''': Did it! :'''Jesus''': You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him! :'''God''': Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to-Super Heaven. :'''Jesus''': What?! :'''Gladys''': ''[playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off]'' Super Heaven is awesome!! ===Fool's Goldfinger [5.19]=== :''[We start with Alistair Cooke from "Masterpiece Theater" explaining about J.R.R. Tolkien to the audience]'' :'''Alistar Cooke''': When "Lord of the Rings" author, J.R.R. Tolkien, passed on, many thought Middle Earth had come to an end. But recently, researchers found a half-finished manuscript, a sequel to "Lord of the Rings". When, on direct orders from Tolkien's will, his 6-year old grandson, J.R.R. Tolkien Jr., Jr., finished the novel, and the movie was made, fans hoped Middle Earth would rise again! Now here, we present a never before seen sneak peek of "Lord of the Rings: The Final Journey". :''[The title briefly shows on screen; the preview starts in Hobbiton with Merry and Pippin]'' :'''Pippin''': Aw, Merry, I miss Mr. Frodo already. :'''Merry''': Me too, Pippin. Frodo was a dear, dear friend. I like to eat poop. Hey, look, it's Gandalf! :'''Gandalf''': ''[rides up to the Hobbits on Shadowfax]'' Merry, Pippin, we are not safe! A dark menace rises to the east! Duckies go "Quack!" ''[a rubber duck jumps on the bottom left side of the screen for a second]'' Cows go "Mooooooo!" ''[a small cow appears on the center right side of the screen for a second]'' I want ice cream! ''[a small pig appears on the center left side of the screen for a second, and then he takes out two ice cream cones]'' Verily, will you hobbits join in my quest? :'''Merry and Pippin''': Yes, Mr. Gandalf! :'''Gandalf''': What about you, Hannah Montana? :'''Hannah Montana''': [singing to electronic music] I like macaroni and cheese! :'''Gandalf''': I want poop! :''[We slide to a card that says: And..., and then to a bunch of fighter aircrafts with the characters inside]'' :'''Gandalf''': These F-16s will take us as far as the Erendor river, then we'll have to find the bridge of Larakaei. :'''Merry'': Quickly! Everyone make jet noises with your mouth! :''[Everybody starts to imitate the sounds of jets with their mouths]'' :'''Gandalf''': Moooooooooo! :''[We slide to another card that says: And now..., and then to the group inside a volcano and fighting a monster that resembles a peanut butter and jelly sandwich]'' :'''Gandalf''': The three-headed peanut butter and jelly monster is too powerful! And I like to eat poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop... :'''Pippin''': I don't want to do my homework! :''[Record scratch]'' :'''Merry''': Let's all sing "The Muffin Man"! :'''Everyone''': ''[singing]'' Oh, do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man...? :''[Then a bunch of random creatures from the previous seasons suddenly appear, and many cartoon noises are heard]'' :'''Gandalf''': You shall not...poop, poop, poop, poop, poop... :''[We cut back to Cooke]'' :'''Alistar Cooke''': ''[shocked and confused]'' I'm sorry; what the f-?! :''[The screen goes to standby mode, and the channel flips to the next sketch]'' 4e6wtsome10v8ahidl182tn8ld040k8 3155768 3155767 2022-08-18T04:52:30Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Curious Case of the Box [5.17] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season of ''[[Robot Chicken]]''. <!-- ===Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]=== --> ===Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special [5.1]=== :'''Head Executive''': So, to sum up we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola. :'''Executive''': I have to say, it's a a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters! :''[The executives laugh]'' :'''Larry''': Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears? :''[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up. :'''Head Executive'''': Uh, who are you? :''Santa Claus''': Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. ''[points to the executive 3 times]'' Make. Me. Laugh. ''[beat]'' Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?! :'''Larry''': N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that! :'''Santa Claus''': Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? ''[pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]'' :'''Larry''': How did you know that? :'''Santa Claus''': I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. ''[takes off his coat]'' And I know I've never seen a dime and you know what that means, Larry?! ''[whispers]'' I know you're a ''[bleep]''ing thief! :''[Santa attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it]'' :'''Santa Claus''': I'll expect my check in the mail. ''[moves the door which reveals three more scared executives]'' You ''[bleep]''ers can spell North Pole, can't you? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears...''[pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag]'' Think again. Ho ho ho! ''[smiles at the executives]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, crying. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]'' :'''Mother''': And that's the story of the very first Christmas. :'''Daughter''': Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa? :'''Mother''': Hmm. You're right. ''[we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire]'' No Santa, no Christmas. no Christmas presents. :'''Daughter''': ''[crying]'' Awwww! :'''Mother''': Oh, you really would've liked this one. :'''Daughter''': Awwww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]'' :'''Kevin''': When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. ''[we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared]'' Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. ''[back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor]'' Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... ''[In the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate]'' ...check. ''[back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands]'' Safe and sound. ''[falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose]'' The fire! :''[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]'' :'''Kate''': ''[crying]'' Oh, my baby... :'''Harry''': We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay? :''[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]'' :'''Boys''': ''[singing]'' Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its- :''[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]'' :'''Dougie''': ''[surprised]'' Batman?! :''[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]'' :'''Batman''': Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot. :'''Robin''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem. :'''Batman''': ''[sniffs under his armpits]'' Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? ''[grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard]'' I can't hear you. ''[throws Dougie back to his friends]'' :'''Dougie''': ''[starting to cry]'' I want my mommy! :'''Batman''': Yeah, me too. ''[high-fives with Robin]'' :'''Robin''': ''[steps forward]'' I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. ''[suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks]'' You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any ''[bleep]''ing eggs in there?! ''[lets Dougie go]'' :'''Boy''': We gotta go! Run! Get out of here! :''[The three boys start to run down the street]'' :'''Robin''': They're getting away, Batman! :'''Batman''': Not on my watch. ''[presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over]'' The rats are scattering. :'''Robin''': ''[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it]'' Holy, these mother''[bleep]''ers aren't going anywhere! ''[throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]'' :''[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]'' :'''Boy''': ''[desperately]'' Sorry! :'''Robin''': You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry! :''[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]'' :'''Music Teacher''': And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and ''[bleep]''ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]'' :'''Elf''': ''[to Kyle]'' Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break? :'''Kyle''': ''[pause]'' Yes. :'''Elf''': Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Billy''': ''[in bed]'' Dad, is Santa Claus real? :'''Billy's Dad''': Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents. :'''Billy''': Does he always live in the North Pole? :'''Billy's Dad''': Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. ''[the scene shows Santa plays baseball]'' He even played for the Cubs. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': Wow! Tell me more about Santa! :'''Billy's Dad''': Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show. :''[Cut to Santa at the studio]'' :'''Santa Claus''': ''[recording his voice]'' You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up? :'''Billy's Dad''': Sure! He was just like you! ''[the scene shows Santa as a baby]'' The apple of his parents' eye. ''[cut back to him and Billy]'' He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. ''[the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music]'' And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs. :''[Cut back to Billy and his dad]'' :'''Billy''': Santa's the coolest! :'''Billy's Dad''': He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. ''[leaves]'' :'''Billy''': Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas. :''[As Billy closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]'' :'''Billy's Dad''': ''[memory]'' He grew up right here in Chicago. ''[he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall]'' He even played for the Cubs. ''[he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken]'' He loves Robot Chicken! ''[he sees the apple logo on his computer]'' The apple of his parents' eye. ''[he also sees his mug; deep voice]'' Barrel of laughs. :''[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]'' :'''Narrator''': The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Boy 1''': Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night. :'''Boy 2''': Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane. :'''Boy 1''': What earthquake? :'''Boy 2''': Exactly, bitch! :'''Superman''': ''[flies down]'' Kids! Kids! Take it easy. :'''Boys''': ''[surprised]'' Superman! :'''Superman''': It's not important who's fastest. :'''Boy 1''': Spoken like a true puss. :'''Superman''': ''[insulted]'' What did you ''[bleep]''ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little ''[bleep]''ing turd?! ''[knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand]'' You come at me. You come at me like a ''[bleep]''ing man! ''[smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]'' :'''Boy 2''': ''[laughing]'' I've got to blog about the ''[bleep]'' that just went down right here! :''[At the North Pole]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? :'''Elf''': So, who is the fastest, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': ''[laugh]'' That's not important. :'''Elf''': Spoken like a true puss. :'''Santa Claus''': ''[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth]'' We doing this, blue balls?! :'''Superman''': You got that right, Saint Dick! ''[cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world]'' Hey! No fair using reindeer! :'''Santa Claus''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you ''[bleep]''ing alien! :''[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]'' :'''Elf Spectator''': It's a tie! :'''Boy 2''': What a complete and total waste of everybody's time! :'''Flash''': Well, even a tie has some entertainment value. :'''Crowd''': Booo!!! :''[The Flash speeds off]'' :'''Superman''': ''[laugh]'' Sorry we took so long, folks. :'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. ''[opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]'' :'''Superman''': Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently! :'''Santa Claus''': Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together. :''[Everyone cheered]'' :'''Superman''': I think they're buying it. Bump it. :'''Santa Claus''': ''[fist bumps with Superman]'' Anticipated. :'''Superman''': Up up and away. :'''Lex Luthor''': ''[waking up]'' What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and- :'''Superman''': Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch. :'''Lex Luthor''': ''[confused]'' What? Weaponiz- :''[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]'' ===Saving Private Gigli [5.2]=== :'''Matthew Senreich''': ''[during the opening ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down]'' I'll tell your story! ''[is shot down]'' :'''Daniel/Gyro-Robo''': I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal! ===Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4]=== :'''Doctor:''' Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis. ===Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5]=== :''[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing "American Pie", the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]'' :'''Announcer''': ''And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': OK guys, Andy's almost home from college for Spring break! :''[All the toys cheer]'' :'''Slinky''': How would they celebrate a spring breakin'? That's the saddest time for me. :''[The other toys laugh]'' :'''Woody''': Oh, Slink. :'''Buzz''': Silly canine. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': What a freakin' jerk. :'''Rex''': Andy's here! :''[Music plays]'' :'''Sarge''': All right ladies, single file, front and center! ''[all the toys line up for Andy's arrival]'' Commander-in-chief on the premises! :'''Soldier''': You mean Obama? :''[Music stops]'' :'''Sarge''': He's not ''my'' president. :''[The door flies open as Andy comes in, carrying and kissing his girlfriend]'' :'''Slinky''': ''[gets tangled around Andy's leg]'' TELL MY STORY! ''[gets kicked aside sending him flying with an off-screen crash sound effect]'' :'''Woody''': ''[whispers]'' Etch, what's going on up there? :''[Etch draws a diagram of what appears to be doggy-style intercourse off-screen, causing all of the toys to gross out. Rex vomits into Mr. Potato Head's body, making his eyes pop out in streams of vomit]'' :'''Sarge''': OH LORD! :'''Buzz''': You gotta help that girl, Sarge! :'''Sarge''': Oh, God! She won't stop screaming! What does "''[bleep]'' my ''[bleep]''ing box dry" even mean?! :'''Andy''': This is awesome! ''[continues kissing]'' :''As the sounds of kissing stop, Rex nervously looks up at the bed and gets a used condom on his face]'' :'''Rex''': Oh! ''[tries to get it off, but accidentally knocks himself out when he runs into a chest of drawers]'' Oof! :'''Andy''': ''[opens a drawer on his bedside table and searches for something]'' Aw, dammit! I left my favorite toy back at the dorm. :'''Woody''': ''[shocked]'' His favorite toy!? :'''Andy''': ''[picks up Buzz from beside the bed]'' Time to improvise. :'''Buzz''': Aah! :''[Sawing and other noises are heard as Woody looks up in confusion and dismay]'' :'''Woody''': What's he doing with Buzz? :'''Andy''': Yes! And ready for a test drive. :''[Bubbling sounds]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[shocked as well]'' He didn't. Not Buzz... :'''Andy''': ''[inhaling]'' To infinity and beyond! ''[puts down Buzz, now revealed to have been turned into a makeshift bong. His helmet is smashed, his eyes are half-lidded, and the scalp of his head is gone. Smoke is coming out from his head and from a pipe wedged into his crotch; exhaling; intoxicated]'' Domino, motherfucker! ''[laughs]'' Buzzed by Buzz ''[laughs]'' :'''Woody''': ''[nervously]'' Buzz? You okay? :'''Buzz''': ''[in his goofy voice]'' Hello, Woody! ''[gasps]'' Do you know what my daddy did? Poop! He pooped! ♪ Boop-de-doop doop boop! ♪ ''[dances stupidly]'' Ah, somebody left some poop in his pants. ''[falls backwards]'' :'''Woody''': ''[catches Buzz]'' It's okay, pal. We're here for ya. :''[Cut to sunset, with Woody lying Buzz in a cardboard bed]'' :'''Buzz''': And the farmer, he hauls, another load away! Bye, load! Bye, load! :'''Woody''': ''[holding back tears]'' Good night, sweet prince. :'''Buzz''': We gonna play tomorrow? :'''Woody''': ''[pretending to be happy]'' You bet, pal. You bet. ''[picks up a pillow]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[weak last words]'' To infinity... :''[Woody forces the pillow over Buzz's head, and starts suffocating Buzz with it, and exhausting it straight through his damaged head, and into the receptors of his buttons. Buzz tries to scream again, but he is out of breath from screams from the earlier suffocating. After Buzz stops struggling and falls limp, Woody removes the pillow, and looks at Buzz's dead corpse]'' :'''Woody''': ''[remorsefully]'' ...And beyond. ''[starts to cry]'' ===Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6]=== :'''Tarzan:''' Tarzan love Jane. :'''Jane:''' I love you too, Tarz- :'''Tarzan:''' But, Tarzan not in love with Jane. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Doug''': So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts? :'''Man''': We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. :''[A shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Girl''': ''[gasps]'' A Teddy Ruxpin! He can play any tape and he moves his mouth along with the words! ''[gasps again]'' Thanks, Uncle Gallagher! :'''Gallagher''': Let’s try it out. I've got a copy of my stand up special "Melon Crazy". :''[Teddy comes to life and runs from Gallagher. Jumping the coffee table. Turning at the painting of a melon dodging Gallagher again who crashes into the stand. Teddy then is seen running towards the fireplace before dodging Gallagher’s melon hammer. Teddy lands on the coffee table breaking the glass this time. Gallagher catches Teddy and slams him against the wall. Gallagher pulls the tape from his pocket allowing Teddy to fall to the floor. Gallagher tries to force the tape into Teddy but Teddy deflects every jab. Teddy finally kicks the tape away. Both Teddy and Gallagher jump for the tape but it gets knocked away. Teddy finally gets a cyanide capsule and bites it]'' :'''Gallagher''': NO! He's got a cyanide capsule. ''[Teddy starts foaming at the mouth]'' Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape. ''[Teddy dies]'' He's, uh, he's gone. Ah, we'll have to listen to it in the living room. ''[the girl gasps and pulls out a cyanide capsule and tries to bite it, but Gallagher stops her]'' NOOOOOOO!!!!!! ===Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7]=== :''[At the Krusty Krab]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[burst the kitchen door open]'' [[Soylent Green|Krabby Patties are made out of ''CRABS!!!'']] :''[The customers gasped; the green fish retches, spits]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[nervous chuckle]'' Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy. :'''SpongeBob:''' Then explain this! ''[holds out box of crab legs]'' You said you fired Carl the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! ''[holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[grabs him]'' You little yellow traitor! I treated you like a son, me boy! :'''SpongeBob:''' And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are SQUID!!! ''[Squidward vomits]'' And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!!! :''[The yellow fish pushes bowl out of reach; the angry customers got up and cornered Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Green Fish:''' You fed ass to us! :'''Orange Fish:''' ''[points at Mr. Krabs]'' We gotta pay you to kill us?! :'''SpongeBob:''' You're disgusting! :'''Mr. Krabs:''' No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all sea creatures, boys and girls. Eating the Krabby Patties is what they intended. :''[The customers beat up Mr. Krabs; camera pans away to SpongeBob]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[sighs]'' I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge. :''[At the hospital, an extrememly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side]'' :'''Nurse:''' Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. ''[begins scrubbing with a sponge]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[Pushes scene aside]'' I SAID NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! :'''Nurse:''' Ugh, hope that's pudding in there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ernest opens the windows and sniffs the air]'' :'''Ernest''': Aah, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... ''[suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger]'' Oh, and how I lived to see this day. ''[pulls out a horn and blows it]'' :''[The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor]'' :'''Keebler Elf 1''': ''[nervously]'' Are you sure, Ernest? :'''Ernest''': Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will ''know'' it to be true. :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[off-screen]'' Cooookiiiiie... ''[the soldiers gasp]'' Cooookiiiiie... ''[the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes]'' COOKIE!!! :''[Some of the soldiers screamed in terror]'' :'''Ernest''': Hold! ''[the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers]'' Hold! ''[the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers]'' Hold! ''[runs off, but bumped into one of the elves]'' I owed him overtime. :'''Keebler Elf 2''': Bu-Bu-But you owe ''me'' overtime...which is no big deal. :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[chases them both]'' Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! ''[Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times]'' Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!! :'''Keebler Elf 3''': I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies! :'''Keebler Elf 4''': I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo! :'''Cookie Monster''': ''[crashes through the door]'' COOKIE!!!! ''[grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]'' :'''Keebler Elf 5''': Now, give the monster what he wants! :'''Keebler Elf 6''': Diabetes? :'''Keebler Elf 5''': Good common on modern culture, but no. Cookies! :''[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]'' :'''Keebler Elf 7''': Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! ''[Buckets laughs]'' Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! ''[chuckles]'' Fudge. :'''Cookie Monster:''' ''[through mouth full of cookies]'' Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies... :''[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheered with joy. Then we cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing]'' :'''Cookie Monster's mommy''': ''[crying]'' They know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie. :'''Lawyer''': It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense! :'''Judge Brown''': Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. ''[to Cookie Monster's mommy]'' I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. :'''Cookie Monster's mommy''': ''[shocked]'' Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME ''[BLEEP]''ING KILL YOU!! ''[eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]'' :''[Two police officers step in and shoot her to death]'' ===Schindler's Bucket List [5.8]=== :''[We start with Strawberry Shortcake in her house, congratulating Baby-Needs-A-Name for getting a pet of her own, which resembles a lavender hippopotamus covered in light green dots]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Baby-Needs-A-Name, your wish came true! ''[Baby-Needs-A-Name claps her hands]'' You have a pet of your berry own! :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, but I have another wish. I want to have a name of my berry own, too! :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': We should give you a name soon, and not leave it open to debate! Strawberryland is berry sheltered, but it's a big world out there, and others might have berry different opinions about what constitutes an appropriate name. :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': I'm not worried! :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': Well, I'm just saying- ''[but at that moment, Bitch Pudding slams Strawberry Shortcake's front door open]'' Oh. Hello, Bitch Pudding. :'''Bitch Pudding''': Wassup, hoes? ''[then slowly walks to the refrigerator and drags her finger on the dusty table along the way. She sighs, opens the refrigerator, grabs a strawberry soda, kicks the refrigerator closed, takes a sip, and slowly walks out of Strawberry Shortcake's house]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[relieved]'' Whew! ''[to Baby-Needs-A-Name]'' Anyway, I'm sure that one day, someone will give you a name. :'''Bitch Pudding''': ''[crashes through the window feet first back into Strawberry Shortcake's house]'' BLAM! ''[to Baby-Needs-A-Name, cutting Strawberry Shortcake off and flipping her off]'' Your name is ''[Bleep]''face! You ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''face! BLAM! ''[Bleep]''face! BLAM! ''[Bleep]''face! BLAM, bitches! DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!! BITCH PUDDING! ''[exits the house, but not before prying the door open once more to knock over Strawberry Shortcake's teapot with her raised middle finger]'' :'''Strawberry Shortcake''': ''[groans in exasperation]'' I am so sorry! I think she has Asperger's or something, but, don't take it personally, Baby-Needs-A-Name. :'''Baby-Needs-A-Name''': No, no. Call me ''[Bleep]''face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzo:''' For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am! :'''Hooded Killer:''' No! For your next feat, you die! :''[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. Then he threw some floaties on the hot coals. The scene then dissolves straight to Gonzo's funeral with bagpipes playing in the background]'' :'''Kermit:''' Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :'''Steve Martin:''' The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down- :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[interrupting]'' Oh, are we burying him in a [[w:Sybian|Sybian]]? :''[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin]'' :'''Fozzie''': You know, the last time a Muppet died was- :'''Steve Martin:''': ''[interrupting]'' Excuse me? :'''Fozzie:''' Don't you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"? :'''Steve Martin''': No, this is a funeral. I'm working! Do I come to where you work and knock the ''[bleep]'' outta your mouth?! :'''Kermit''': Wow, Steve's working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about "that night". :''[The Muppets look at Scooter, who waved at them. Cut to Fozzie's room]'' :'''Fozzie:''' And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka! :'''Hooded Killer:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red? :'''Fozzie:''' I don't know, stranger. :'''Hooded Killer:''' Because he was embearrassed! :'''Fozzie:''' ''[deadpan clapping]'' Wocka, wocka. :'''Hooded Killer:''' Then how about this, because I ''[bleep]''ing stabbed you?! ''[stabs Fozzie]'' :'''Fozzie:''' ''[came onto the stage in pain]'' What a show stopper... ''[falls onto the stage floor]'' :'''Statler:''' See? I told you that bear was gonna die onstage tonight. :''[Statler and Waldorf laugh]'' :'''Fozzie:''' Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?! :'''Waldorf:''' You're an ambulance. :''[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage. We cut to the backstage where Kermit and Miss Piggy watched the physicians rolled Fozzie's dead corpse on the stretcher away]'' :'''Kermit:''' First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did to-? :'''Miss Piggy:''' ''[interrupting]'' Don.t say that name, Kermie. :'''Kermit:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, Miss Piggy's telling me what to do! Wow, hey, everybody! Come on over here! You gotta come and see this! Piggy's telling me what to do! WOW, MUST BE A DAY THAT ENDS WITH Y!!!! ''[sees Scooter, who is carrying some props]'' Oh hey, uh, Scooter? :'''Scooter:''' Oh, hey there, boss. :'''Kermit:''' We need to talk about Skeeter's death. :'''Scooter:''' Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident- :'''Kermit:''' ''[interrupting]'' You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you. :''[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' Let's play "The Little Mermaid"! :'''Baby Fozzie:''' Let's question Kermit's sexuality. Wocka wocka! :'''Baby Scooter:''' Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. ''[leaves]'' :'''Baby Skeeter:''' What a nerd. :'''Baby Piggy:''' ''[clears throat]'' Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid". :'''Baby Skeeter:''' Mermaids aren't fat! ''[shoved Piggy, who was offended]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' Yikes! Skeeter, if you wanna take my advice for once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away. :''[Skeeter slapped Kermit away]'' :'''Baby Fozzie:''' Nanny! Skeeter's hitting us again! :'''Baby Kermit:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, who's the homo now? :''[Skeeter tackled Fozzie with many punches, until Kermit knocked her unconscious onto the pool with a wagon, leaving 4 Muppet Babies in shock]'' :'''Baby Kermit:''' ''[whispered to them]'' If we do this thing, it's our secret forever. :''[All Muppet Babies agree and Kermit drowned Skeeter in the pool]'' :'''All Muppet Babies:''' NANNY!!!! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Scooter:''' ''[shocked]'' You killed my sister?! :'''Kermit:''' Yeah, it was 60% self-defense, but we're kind of burying the lead here. WE THINK SKEETER'S COMING BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR REVENGE!!!!! :'''Scooter:''' Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge… :''[Scooter becomes Skeeter (I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter), and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear]'' :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' ''[attacks Kermit with a knife]'' Fifteen seconds till your death! :'''Miss Piggy:''' HIIII-YAH! ''[misses and whacked herself into the wall]'' Wuh! :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' Here it comes. Showtime! :'''Camilla''': ''[clucking, subtitled]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|Get away from her, you bitch!]] :'''Scooter/Skeeter:''' You can't shoot me! Chickens don't even have fingers! ''[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head]'' Oooooooooh! ''[falls over, dead]'' :'''Steve Martin''': ''[chuckling]'' That bit never gets old. ''[does a silly dance]'' ===Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10]=== :'''The Joker''': ''[laughing sinisterly in his hideout]'' Beware, Gotham City, nothing can stop...The Joker! :''[Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]'' :'''Batman''': No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you! :'''The Joker''': Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat! :'''Batman''': Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. ''[to himself]'' Now what to do? Hmmm... :''[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]'' :'''Judge''': And with the accepted go-to by Batman... ''[aside glance]'' Thank you, Batman. ''[addressing the people]'' The court has decided on the death penalty! :'''Batman''': ''[to Joker]'' It's, uh, it's out of my hands. :''[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words? :'''The Joker''': ''[in an almost sincere voice]'' I know Jesus has forgiven me. :'''Police Officer''': Is that a joke? :'''The Joker''': ''[sobbing]'' No! :'''Police officer''': Here we go! ''[then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to]'' :''[The Joker starts to become violently electrocuted]'' :'''Police Officer''': That's not right. ''[puts on maximum power]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!! :'''The Joker''': ''[as he's still being electrocuted]'' ''[Bleep]'' you, Dork Knight! :''[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]'' :'''Police Officer''': Oh, oh. :''[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]'' :'''Commissioner Gordon''': ''[nervously backing away]'' I didn't know- I-I didn't know... :'''Batman''': Wait! ''[opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet]'' But why? :'''Commissioner Gordon''': ''[somberly]'' For Barbara. ''[Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off]'' Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! <hr width="50%"> :''[A game of Contra is being played, with the [[w:Konami Code|Konami Code]] being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]'' :'''Contra Guy''': No!! Damn you Contra bastards! ''[pauses]'' Or are ''we'' the Contras? I can never tell. :''[The other character is brought back]'' :'''Contra Guy''': Wow! You're alive! :'''Other Contra Guy''': Seems that way. Maybe we're immortal? :''[The first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]'' :'''Both''': ''[high-fiving each other]'' Groundhog Day, mother''[bleep]''ers! <hr width="50%"> :'''Other Contra Guy''': ''[grabs a grenade]'' Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal ''[bleep]''ers! Run for the hills! ''[the grenade explodes and he dies, but '''''DOES NOT''''' respond]'' :'''Contra Guy''': What? No! What kind of sick ''[bleep]'' gives a man exactly thirty lives? ''[is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Nerd''': ''[to his computer]'' Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I ''[starts falling asleep]'' love you more than-any-individual-family member. ===Beastmaster and Commander [5.11]=== :'''[[w:Justin Beiber|Justin Beiber]]''': ''[singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice]'' Woooah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys ''[Game Boys.]'' And I'm feeling so highhhh ''[Feeling so high, girl.]'' I like Skittles, Sk-Skittles, Skittles, Skittles. :'''Director''': And cut! ''[turns towards the producer]'' This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on. :'''Producer''': Edgy? :'''Director''': Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome. :'''Producer''': That's a little boy! :''[The Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, which of course is barely understood by the audience due to the usual "wah-wah-wah" style most Peanuts adults speak in]'' :'''Charlie Brown''': Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here. :'''Lucy''': You'll always be the ''[bleep]'' catcher, Charlie Brown! :'''Sally''': Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo! :'''Linus''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, brother! :''[A new kid named Ren struts in]'' :'''Ren''': Hey everyone! My name's Ren. [[Footloose|Ren McCormick]]. :'''Sally''': ''[pushes Linus away]'' Hello!! :'''Charlie Brown''': You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production. :'''Ren''': I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. ''[silence]'' You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. ''[silence, then sighs]'' I'm [[w:Kevin Bacon|Kevin Bacon's]] character from Footloose. ''[still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance]'' Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen. :'''Pigpen''': Excuse me? :'''Ren''': Sorry, ''[bleep]''-box... :'''Pigpen''': It's Pigpen. :'''Ren''': Sorry. :'''Pigpen''': It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best. :'''Ren''': You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is ''that'' guy even doing? :''[Cuts to the kid dancing the running man]'' :'''Kid''': I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!! :'''Ren''': Sorry, I need to get the ''[bleep]'' out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. ''[leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]'' :'''Ren's Classmate''': Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional! :'''Ren''': Alright! :'''Ren's Classmate''': Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks. :'''Ren''': ''[stops dancing]'' Rats! <hr width="50%"> :''[The "Bloopers!" logo shows up, and then the host walks onto the screen, moving it out of view]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, which cost money, which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai school boys. ''[audience laughs]'' So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life! :''[The first blooper is of the host [as a kid] and his father watching TV, which shows a singing woman named Boy George]'' :'''Bloopers Host as a child''': Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer. She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen! ''[but in objection, his father jumps up to start whipping him with his belt]'' No, Daddy, don't! :'''Bloopers Host's Father''': Her first name is Boy, dill-weed! ''[his son runs into the kitchen]'' You come back here! This is homo kryptonite, son! :''[Cut back to the present host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': You might say my balls were scared straight. ''[audience laughs again]'' This next clip really made me the butt of the joke. ''[points to his behind as he says this]'' :''[The Bloopers Host is seen at a small bar in Mexico, cheering as he munches on a taco, which he mistakes for a burrito]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': This burrito is spicy! ''[chugs down a glass of water]'' Nothing beats Mexican tap water. ''[stomach starts to groan, making him hold it in pain]'' That was probably a mistake. :''[We cut to the host defecating in a restroom on the toilet, looking more and more stressed as he does. As we move by several shots of him, they get faster and faster until his diarrhea can no longer fit in the toilet and bursts out, leaving it splattered across the room and the toilet in pieces. Afterwards, we go back to the host during the present]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': My asshole is still fifty percent scar tissue. ''[spins around, making the audience laugh some more]'' Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way...or another. :''[The next clip is of the host and a friend of his at a party, where a fat girl balances a plate of food on her chest]'' :'''Friend''': Aw, come on, man. You've gotta cash in that V card sometime. You're the only virgin I know, bro. :'''Bloopers Host''': Mmm, yeah, but she's so... :'''Friend''': Dude, it's starter pussy! You'll work your way up the food chain; I promise. :''[We cut to the host in bed with the fat girl, indicating that they have just had sex]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[groans]'' Geez, sorry. It was my first time. :'''Fat Girl''': Yeah, you said that. I've got an early class, so... :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[holding up a wrapped condom]'' Probably a bit late to put this on, huh? :'''Fat Girl''': ''[panicked and angry]'' You didn't put-?! Oh, my God! ''[we flip to sometime later, where the host opens the door to see her again]'' And I'm pregnant. :'''Bloopers Host''': ''[confused]'' How can you tell? :''[We cut back to the present host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Well, that's all the time I have. Yep, it's goodbye to the Bloopers Host. You might say, "Time is up." ''[takes out two swords]'' For my next trick, I'll need an assistant. Please welcome my pregnant thirteen year old daughter, Stephanie. That's right! I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule. :'''Stephanie''': ''[frustrated, grabbing one sword]'' Dad, my ankles hurt! Please drive me home. :'''Bloopers Host''': Just as soon as Daddy commits Hara-Kiri, honey. So when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana! :'''Stephanie''': ''[sighs]'' I'll be in the car. ''[leaves]'' :''[The audience laugh, insulting the host]'' :'''Bloopers Host''': Stop mocking me. ''[from his point of view, there is no audience on the seats, but we can hear louder laughs, making him almost cry]'' Stop mocking me! ''[is about to stab himself]'' :'''Stephanie''': ''[off-screen]'' Dad! :'''Bloopers Host''': Coming! ''[drops the sword and walks out of the studio with a frustrated look on his face]'' :''[Lastly, we cut to Stephanie all alone with the title: "Stephanie Miscarried" underneath her; then the same German biplane from the sketch "Ren McCormack" flies by and riddles the still frame of her mid-section with bullet holes that spell out: "THE END", concluding the episode]'' ===The Departy Monster [5.13]=== :'''Princess Peach''': Mother, Father, this is my boyfriend Mario. :'''Queen''': Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari-oh!, Did a pig ''[bleep]'' out a dead fetus in here? :'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a your forgiveness. I come-a here through the sewer line. :'''Princess Peach''': Mario's a plumber. :'''King''': So he commutes through human waste? :'''Princess Peach''': And he's Italian. :'''King''': Oh, okay. Say no more. :''[Cut to the Royal Living Room, Mario searches for something in a sofa]'' :'''Queen''': Did you lose something, Mario? :'''Mario''': Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! ''[holds up a coin]'' :'''Queen''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, in OUR sofa. :''[Mario puts the coin in his pocket]'' :'''King''': And there it goes. :''[Cut to the Royal Dinner Room]'' :'''Mario''': So I says, "Eh, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels-They ain't the same thing!" ''[laughs]'' :'''Queen''': ''[sarcastically]'' Mmm, another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup. :'''Mario''': ''[shocked]'' Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! ''[sneezes, and grows bigger]'' :'''Princess Peach''': Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon. :'''Mario''': I'm so sorry. I have a few allergies. ''[slides towards the wall and bumps into a flower]'' Mama mia! Flowers! ''[Sneezes, turns into Fire Mario and starts to sneeze fireballs. One hits the drapes, and one the Queen's dress]'' :'''Queen''': Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes! :'''King''': Both equally dusty. :'''Mario''': Ay-yi-yi! ''[sneezes]'' :''[When sneezing, Mario accidentally bumps into a Koopa shell which bumps into three blocks. We then hear the Game Over music as the castle goes under]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[We see Frodo and Sam at the cracks of Mount Doom. Frodo is about to throw the One Ring into the fire]'' :'''Samwise Gamgee''': Throw it in the fire, Mr. Frodo! :'''Frodo Baggins''': No! The ring is mine, Sam! ''[puts the ring on his finger, which makes him invisible]'' :'''Gollum''': ''[appears and jumps on the invisible Frodo]'' My precious! Give us back my precious! ''[starts to bite on the invisible penis, mistaken it as Frodo's finger, starts sucking it up, and spits it out]'' Bleh! We found hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious? :'''Frodo Baggins''': ''[while being invisible]'' It's there. It's-It's just further back. ''[Gollums tries again, and starts choking again]'' It's there. Yeah, right there. :'''Gollum''': But it's stuck. :'''Frodo Baggins''': You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet. ''[Gollum tries again, and gags]'' You're almost there. Just a little more. ''[Gollum starts sucking it all up]'' Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes! The Shire! :'''Gollum''': ''[spits everything out, gags, and cries]'' Where's precious?! :'''Frodo Baggins''': ''[becoming visible again, and hands Gollum the ring]'' Here. You've earned it. :'''Gollum''': ''[takes the ring]'' My precious! ''[laughs, puts on the ring, which also makes him invisible for a moment, then takes it out and drops it on the ground]'' Oh? ''[kicks the ring with his foot to Frodo]'' Whoopsie! If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we? :'''Frodo Baggins''': Mm-hmm. ===Some Like It Hitman [5.14]=== :''[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]'' :'''McGonagall''': Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger. :'''Hermione''': Orchideous! :'''McGonagall''': Mr. Potter. :'''Harry''': Orchideous! :'''McGonagall''': Mr. Longbottom. :'''Neville''': Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. (his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face) :'''McGonagall''': What happened? :'''Hermione''': His spell! He was only off by one syllable! :'''McGonagall''': Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful. :'''[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]'' :'''Snape''': Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. ''[the students just look at him and not doing anything]'' Well? What are you waiting for? :'''Ron''': We usually don't start until you insult Harry. :'''Snape''': Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool! :''[The students start to mix potions]'' :'''Ron''': ''[after mixing his potion]'' Well, bottoms up. ''[drinks it]'' :'''Hermione''': How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use? :'''Ron''': Uh, three? ''[his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]'' :'''Hermione''': Professor Snape, what happened? :'''Snape''': He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like. :'''Harry''': He used '''''one extra drop'''''! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim! :'''Hermione''': This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color? :'''Snape''': Uh...Potter, you fool? :''[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]'' :'''McGonagall''': Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines. :''[No students are in the classroom]'' :'''Snape''': Uh...Where are all the students? :''[Cut to the American school]'' :'''Harry''': Hey...Where's Hermione? :'''Girl''': Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook! :'''Teacher''': Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself. :''[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from [[Beauty and the Beast]] is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]'' :'''Lumiere''': ''[sung]'' So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast. :'''Cogsworth''': Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! :''[A chamber pot appears]'' :'''Defecacci''': ''[butting in]'' Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. :After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face. :'''Lumiere''': ''[pushes Chamber Pot away]'' Have some seconds/eat a lot- :'''Defecacci''': Then come meet your chamber pot... :'''Lumiere''' ''[speaking, as music stops completely]'' Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here! :'''Defecacci''': What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot! :'''Lumiere''': None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating! :'''Defecacci''': Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci ''after'' dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my- :'''Lumiere''': ''[angrily]'' I said, people are EATING! :'''Defecacci''': ''[bounds away in a huff]'' Dah, porca miseria... :'''Lumiere''': OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go? :''[Cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]'' :'''Defecacci''': Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn. :'''Belle''': ''[in disgust]'' Does ''everything'' have to be a ''[bleep]''ing song?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Phillipson''': ''[discovering his sex client is a duck]'' Holy ''[bleep]''! You're a duck! :'''Della Duck''': That's right, baby! Now why don't cha ruffle my feathers? :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Why are you, a duck?! Oh my God! :'''Della Duck''': I'm what you ordered. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': I did NOT order a duck! :'''Della Duck''': I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?! :'''Della Duck''': ''[sighs]'' Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not ''[bleep]'' a cartoon duck. Normally, not ''[bleep]'' a ''[bleep]'' duck is ''[bleep]'' free. :'''Della Duck''': ''[dials her cell phone]'' We have a problem. :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Who are you calling? :''[Della's bodyguard bursts in]'' :'''Stedman''': ''[in a stereotypical gangster patois]'' Have we got some sort of problem? :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end... :'''Stedman''': Just pay the duck! :'''Mr. Phillipson''': Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- ''[starts getting beaten up]'' :'''Della Duck''': Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!! ===The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15]=== :''[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]'' :'''Kratos''': I, [[God of War|Kratos]], the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! ''[walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]'' :'''Artemis''': ''[voice]'' Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs! :'''Kratos''': Uh, one of them's a dude. :'''Artemis''': What's the problem? You're in Greece. :'''Kratos''': I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE! :'''Artemis''': Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs. :'''Kratos''': ''[thinking]'' The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down. :'''Artemis''': We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls. :'''Kratos''': What? Who do you think I am?! :'''Artemis''': We already established that. Now we're just negotiating. :'''Kratos''': Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning. :'''Artemis''': I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes. :'''Kratos''': Alright. ''[pauses]'' You're not going to watch, are you? :'''Artemis''': Only as long as I need to. ===The Curious Case of the Box [5.17]=== :'''[[w:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]''': ''[climbing Mt. Everest]'' My name is Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': ''[quickly sees Swiper, stopping him]'' Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! :'''Swiper''': ''[freezing up]'' B-but Dora, I'm dying! I have severe altitude sickness! :'''Dora''': ''[pulls down her scarf to reveal a grin on her face and points to it]'' See this face? :'''Swiper''': Y-Yes? :'''Dora''': This is my not-giving-a-f-''[bleep]'' face! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': ''[holding up her gloved hand]'' Here's another choice for you. Guess which finger? I hope you guessed the one that means f-''[bleep]'' you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dora''': We did it! ''[the Fiesta Trio jump up from nowhere and celebrate with them, but suddenly get totally frozen! Dora grabs one of the members and eats him, gushing green blood out and making Boots gasp]'' I'm an explorer. Food is food. ''[grabs another one and eats him as Boots watches in shock. We then cut to the duo walking back down the mountain to see Swiper right where they left him; Swiper is now shivering and frostbitten all over]'' :'''Swiper''': ''[shivering]'' H-H-Help...m-m-me... :'''Dora''': ''[whispers]'' Got you something. ''[puts a gun in Swiper's hand with it pointing to his head]'' :'''Swiper''': ''[pulls the trigger twice, but the gun just clicks; whispers back]'' You bitch. ''[Dora pulls her scarf down and smirks at him; She and Boots walk on, again leaving Swiper all alone. He looks off into the distance and sees the Grim Reaper coming towards him through the blizzard]'' R-R-Reaper, no r-r-reaping...R-R-Reaper, no reaping...Reaper- :'''The Grim Reaper''': Doink! ''[walks closer to him and pokes him on the head, killing him instantly, and a ghastly scream is heard. The Grim Reaper then chuckles in happiness to end the sketch]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jesus''': ''[the [[w:Death (personification)|Grim Reaper]] has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven]'' You can't do that! :'''Grim Reaper''': Did it! :'''Jesus''': You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him! :'''God''': Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to-Super Heaven. :'''Jesus''': What?! :'''Gladys''': ''[playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off]'' Super Heaven is awesome!! ===Fool's Goldfinger [5.19]=== :''[We start with Alistair Cooke from "Masterpiece Theater" explaining about J.R.R. Tolkien to the audience]'' :'''Alistar Cooke''': When "Lord of the Rings" author, J.R.R. Tolkien, passed on, many thought Middle Earth had come to an end. But recently, researchers found a half-finished manuscript, a sequel to "Lord of the Rings". When, on direct orders from Tolkien's will, his 6-year old grandson, J.R.R. Tolkien Jr., Jr., finished the novel, and the movie was made, fans hoped Middle Earth would rise again! Now here, we present a never before seen sneak peek of "Lord of the Rings: The Final Journey". :''[The title briefly shows on screen; the preview starts in Hobbiton with Merry and Pippin]'' :'''Pippin''': Aw, Merry, I miss Mr. Frodo already. :'''Merry''': Me too, Pippin. Frodo was a dear, dear friend. I like to eat poop. Hey, look, it's Gandalf! :'''Gandalf''': ''[rides up to the Hobbits on Shadowfax]'' Merry, Pippin, we are not safe! A dark menace rises to the east! Duckies go "Quack!" ''[a rubber duck jumps on the bottom left side of the screen for a second]'' Cows go "Mooooooo!" ''[a small cow appears on the center right side of the screen for a second]'' I want ice cream! ''[a small pig appears on the center left side of the screen for a second, and then he takes out two ice cream cones]'' Verily, will you hobbits join in my quest? :'''Merry and Pippin''': Yes, Mr. Gandalf! :'''Gandalf''': What about you, Hannah Montana? :'''Hannah Montana''': [singing to electronic music] I like macaroni and cheese! :'''Gandalf''': I want poop! :''[We slide to a card that says: And..., and then to a bunch of fighter aircrafts with the characters inside]'' :'''Gandalf''': These F-16s will take us as far as the Erendor river, then we'll have to find the bridge of Larakaei. :'''Merry'': Quickly! Everyone make jet noises with your mouth! :''[Everybody starts to imitate the sounds of jets with their mouths]'' :'''Gandalf''': Moooooooooo! :''[We slide to another card that says: And now..., and then to the group inside a volcano and fighting a monster that resembles a peanut butter and jelly sandwich]'' :'''Gandalf''': The three-headed peanut butter and jelly monster is too powerful! And I like to eat poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop... :'''Pippin''': I don't want to do my homework! :''[Record scratch]'' :'''Merry''': Let's all sing "The Muffin Man"! :'''Everyone''': ''[singing]'' Oh, do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man...? :''[Then a bunch of random creatures from the previous seasons suddenly appear, and many cartoon noises are heard]'' :'''Gandalf''': You shall not...poop, poop, poop, poop, poop... :''[We cut back to Cooke]'' :'''Alistar Cooke''': ''[shocked and confused]'' I'm sorry; what the f-?! :''[The screen goes to standby mode, and the channel flips to the next sketch]'' 1uuewzigulg7kao965gz033rf4x0wif 0 192452 3155613 3118110 2022-08-17T18:33:33Z 198.23.5.11 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Cocoanuts poster.jpg|thumb]] [[File:Cocoanuts.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:The Cocoanuts|The Cocoanuts]]''''' is a [[w:1929 in film|1929 film]] about four men who run a hotel, auction off some land, thwart a jewel robbery during the Florida land boom. :''Directed by [[w:Robert Florey|Robert Florey]]. Written by [[w:Morrie Ryskind|Morrie Ryskind]].'' {{center|'''Paramount's All Talking-Singing Musical Comedy Hit!'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Hammer== * Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket. == Dialogue == :'''Hammer''': All along the river, those are all levees. :'''Chico''': That's the Jewish neighborhood? :'''Hammer''': Well, we'll pass over that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Potter''': I don't think you'd love me if I were poor. :'''Hammer''': I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Adams''': Oh Mr. Hammer, there's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache. :'''Hammer''': Tell him I've got one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hammer''': And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter. :'''Mrs. Potter''': My good, good friends. If I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to me tonight. As I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The whole world and everything in it is bathed in a soft, glowing luminous haze... :'''Hammer''': The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HAMMER:Hey,do you know your suitcase is empty?" CHICO:"Don't worry,we fill it up before we leave". -------------------------------------------------------------------- HAMMER:(to Chico)--"Now this is our cemetary.I've got a list of a hundred people just dying to get in". "But I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them.I'm going to get you a steady position.And if I can arrange it,it'll be horizontal". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHICO:"We no got one cent" HAMMER: "How you gonna pay for your room?" CHICO:"That's your lookout!" HAMMER: "Oh,I see!You're just an idle roomer!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- == Taglines == * Paramount's All Talking-Singing Musical Comedy Hit! == Cast == * [[Groucho Marx]] — Mr. Hammer * [[Harpo Marx]] — Harpo * [[w:Chico Marx|Chico Marx]] — Chico * [[w:Zeppo Marx|Zeppo Marx]] — Jamison * [[w:Mary Eaton|Mary Eaton]] — Polly Potter * [[w:Oscar Shaw|Oscar Shaw]] — Robert 'Bob' Adams * [[w:Margaret Dumont|Margaret Dumont]] — Mrs. Potter * [[w:Kay Francis|Kay Francis]] — Penelope * [[w:Cyril Ring|Cyril Ring]] — Harvey Yates * [[w:Basil Ruysdael|Basil Ruysdael]] — Detective Hennessey == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0019777|title=The Cocoanuts}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cocoanuts, The}} [[Category:1929 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Marx Brothers films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] 7jq3yyk62bocdb63q02n7hzzxz59txx 0 192958 3155608 3141815 2022-08-17T17:19:03Z 172.58.236.203 /* Ben 10 Returns Part 1 */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''. ==Season 1 (2008)== ===Ben 10 Returns Part 1=== :''[Ben is sleeping when Gwen returns, causing him to wake up.]'' :'''Gwen''': Well, that's attractive. :'''Ben''': ''[Stands up and wipes his mouth]'' What? I'm awake. What? :'''Gwen''': You needed help? :'''Ben''': I need advice. ''[Holds up the Omnitrix]'' ---- :''[Gwen traps the fish-like alien in a magenta energy rope]'' :'''Ben''': You're getting really good at that stuff. :'''Gwen''': Thanks. :'''Ben''': ''[Threatening the alien in a fishbowl helmet]'' I want some answers right now, otherwise&ndash; :'''Magister Labrid''': Yeah? :'''Ben''': I dunno. I'll overfeed you? :'''Magister Labrid''': Do I look like somebody to joke with? ---- :'''Swampfire''': I forgot how much fun this is. ''[Forever Knights fire at him]'' That tickles! ''[His arm falls off]'' Hey! ''[His arm reattaches back]'' You guys are in so much trouble. ''[Defeats 2 Forever Knights, then Kevin appears]'' :'''Kevin''': Hey, Tennyson! :'''Swampfire''': What do you want? :'''Kevin''': Let's see, you trapped me in the Null Void all these years. :'''Swampfire''': You did that to yourself! :'''Kevin''': And you ruined my deal today. I'm thinking I want revenge. The good news is, since I can absorb anything, ''[Absorbs metal from train track]'' I've got more than enough power to take it. :'''Swampfire''': ''[Shocked at Kevin's new ability]'' That's new! ---- :''[Kevin wakes up to see Swampfire, Gwen, and Labrid standing before him, causing him to glare at them. Swampfire transforms back into Ben. Kevin looks down and sees energy cuffs on his arms. He tries to break free, but is unsuccessful.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': Energy cuffs. You can't escape. Ain't nothing there to absorb. :'''Ben''': ''[To Gwen]'' You still got some of that stuff in your hair. :''[Gwen runs her fingers through the right side of her hair.]'' :'''Kevin''': Other side. :''[Gwen touches the left side of her hair and feels the slime.]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Disgusted by the goop on the left side of her hair]'' Eww! :'''Magister Labrid''': Time we had a talk, tough guy. ''[Opens the bottom of the laser lance to reveal the ether-point energy cell]'' These weapons run on ether-point energy cells. A dangerous technology way too advanced for humans. ''[Closes the bottom of the laser lance]'' They shouldn't even be on this planet. :'''Kevin''': So? How's that my problem? :'''Ben''': While we were fighting, the Forever Knights got away with a crate full of them. :'''Magister Labrid''': You set up the deal. You're going to tell me where they are. :'''Gwen''': ''[Puts her hand on Kevin's shoulder]'' Kevin, people could be hurt. :''[Kevin's face softens at Gwen's words.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': You're in a lot of trouble, son. I'm giving you a chance to help yourself here. :'''Kevin''': You don't have to convince me. ''[Stands up]'' Those guys ran off before I got paid. I'm happy to help find those deadbeats. ====Ben 10 Returns Part 2==== :''[Ben and Kevin are in Kevin's car. Gwen is floating in front of them with a laser lance spinning around in front of her.]'' :'''Ben''': Are you sure this is going to work? :'''Gwen''': No. I've never done something like this before. But in theory, I should be able to trace the vibrations from this laser lance back to the people who used to own it. :'''Ben''': I thought I destroyed all of those things. :'''Kevin''': I kept one as a souvenir. Lucky, huh? ''[Ben frowns at him]'' :''[The laser lance stops spinning, turns pink, and points in the right direction.]'' :'''Gwen''': Hey, it's working. Follow me! :''[Gwen floats off, with Ben and Kevin following behind.]'' :'''Kevin''': I'll follow you anywhere. :''[The car starts going off-road.]'' :'''Kevin''': ''[Angrily]'' Except there! Come on, Gwen! Paint job! ---- :''[Ben turns into Humungousaur]'' :'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Yes! (''To the DNAliens'') Guess what time it is? It's hero time! (''Humungousaur battles the DNAliens'') :'''Kevin''': (''referring to Highbreed Commander'') Did he hurt you? :'''Gwen''': No. :'''Kevin''': Well, I'm going to hurt him! (''lifts his metallic fists and gets ready to fight'') :'''Humungousaur''': He's too strong. I'll hold on, you guys get outside. :'''Gwen''': I'm not going to let you fight that thing by yourself! :'''Humungousaur''': No time to argue! Kevin get her out! :'''Kevin''': You heard the man. :'''Gwen''': Let me go! :'''Kevin''': As soon as we're off the ship! ---- :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''to Humungousaur'') You've ruined everything by discovering this location. You've sent our plans back months. Inferior scum, I have to move my ship and find a new hiding place. I'll have to sterilize the area! :'''Humungousaur''': Huh? Sterilize? :'''Highbreed Commander''': Destroy all life within 5 miles of here! No witnesses will live to tell the tale. :'''Humungousaur''': (''angered'') You can't! :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''grabs Humungousaur by the neck'') I can and I will! ===Everybody Talks About the Weather=== :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''riding in Kevin's car'') Can't this thing go any faster? :'''Kevin Levin''': (''driving through a 25-MPH speed zone'') Yes. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're still going the same speed. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's called the speed limit. Fastest we're going tonight. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But you said- :'''Kevin Levin''': I said "could," not "would. :'''Ben Tennyson''': My mom's going to kill me if I'm late getting home again. :'''Kevin Levin''': Huh, if she grounds you, it'll be just me and Gwen. Tough break. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You think I'd go with you if Ben wasn't here? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. I got roguish charm. :(''beeping noise'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Phone call for Mr. Rogueish charm. :'''Kevin Levin''': Not me, I don't have a cell. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then it's probably one of your many girlfriends. (''Gwen reaches into Kevin's coat pocket and takes out his Plumbers badge'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Grandpa Max doesn't have anything to do with this, does he? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': So, that badge belongs to the Heatblast guy. Where do you think he got it? :'''Kevin Levin''': He doesn't act like a Plumber. He's probably just a Plumber's kid. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why would a policeman give his son a badge? :'''Kevin Levin''': To keep real Plumbers from arresting them for interplanetary trespass. A badge is better than a passport. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm not following. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heatblast junior is probably part human. Human's with alien ancestors are actually pretty common. Most of them have superpowers. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Common? :'''Kevin Levin''': Well, yeah. That's what YOU are. You get your powers through your grandpa. I thought you knew. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''scoffs'') I get my powers from magic talismans and books. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''laughs'') Yeah, right. Magic. ===Kevin's Big Score=== :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''Gwen appears'') He got away. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Whoa! I mean, oh, no! :'''Ben Tennyson''': How could I let my guard down? He's a liar and a thief. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was the old Kevin. He's different now. And we're different too. (pulls out handkerchief) I can track him from this. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You kept his sweaty handkerchief? : (''Her eyes glow pink and the handkerchief glows with a pink aura'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Got him! ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now, I know this looks bad. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Bad? Bad?! If you don't get the Rust Bucket back, I'll show you bad! :'''Kevin Levin''': Doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What happens when this is all over and Grandpa comes home? Where's he gonna live then? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Do I have to separate you two? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He stole Grandpa's home. What kind of jerk steals an old man's home? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': One with a good reason. Right? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, this is important. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Important to ''you''. ---- :''[Ben kicks down a pile of tires.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're supposed to be keeping the planet safe from an alien invasion, and we can't keep a motor home from being stolen? :'''Kevin Levin''': Drop it. (''starts to walk away'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''blocking his way'') Don't walk away from me! :'''Kevin Levin''': Is this where you turn into an alien and try to kick my butt? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm considering it. ---- :'''Vulkanus''': Kevin Levin. I can't decide whether to trade with you or tear you to pieces. Remember that counterfeit-isotope scam a few years back? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Sorry about that. :'''Vulkanus''': You left me holding the bag, and at the mercy of the Plumbers. I escaped, but now I'm stuck on Earth swapping level-3 tech to get by, thanks to you. :'''Kevin Levin''': Ancient history. I'm here to make a deal. :'''Vulkanus''': ''[Stands up]'' I have the Plumber gadget you want. ''[Shows Kevin the holo-viewer]'' What do you give me for it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, completely straight, I had this stash of Plumber's technology, but I lost it. :'''Vulkanus''': You want to owe me? :'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me what I have to do to get. :''[Vulkanus holds out his hand, but when Kevin is about to shake it, he grabs his whole arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Huh? :'''Vulkanus''': Kneel. :''[Vulkanus squeezes Kevin's hand hard, causing Kevin to groan in pain. Kevin drops to his knees while holding his hand. A machine rises from the floor. A piece of Taydenite rises from the machine and wraps two appendages around Kevin's hand, slowly pulling him in and forcing him to touch the crystal and absorb it.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': First, you're going to pay me back for the double-cross. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[As his whole body starts turning into Taydenite]'' I can't&ndash; stop&ndash; absorbing! :'''Vulkanus''': Because I don't want you to. You're recursibly absorbing a piece of Taydenite, the rarest most precious living gem in the entire galaxy. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens slide Kevin backwards. Two large cuffs rise from the floor and hold Kevin in place as the crystals on his back start growing.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': This is the only piece of Taydenite in this spiral of the Milky Way. Or it was, until you came along. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[With his face turning into Taydenite]'' You're garbage! :''[As the crystals on his back grow larger, Kevin screams in pain. The Pickaxe Aliens climb on Kevin's back.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You owe me. I'm gonna take it out of your hide, then sell you all piece by piece. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens chip the Taydenite away from Kevin's back. The Taydenite fall into the mine carts.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': And I'm gonna do it forever. :'''Kevin Levin''': Do what you want to me, but Ben Tennyson gets that holo-viewer. :''[Vulkanus laughs, then flicks the holo-viewer away towards the wall.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You're in a bad position to make demands. ---- :''[Ben gets a message from Max.]'' :'''Max Tennyson''': Ben, if you found this message, you must be in pretty deep. There's a lot I can't reveal yet, but here's one thing I can: You can't go it alone. By now, you're probably meeting some of the other Plumber's kids, but you have to find more. You need to put together a team. ===All That Glitters=== :'''Kevin Levin''': (''referring to Ben'') Think we should be worried about him? He's been watching that thing for hours. (''sips drink; looks at Gwen'') Problem? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why haven't you asked me out? :'''Kevin Levin''': What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You heard me. We spend all of our time together, and you obviously like me. :(''Kevin laughs'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You do. I see you mooning at me when you think I'm not looking. :'''Kevin Levin''': Mooning? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': And I like YOU - most of the time - so I'm asking you again. :'''Kevin Levin''': See? That's the problem. You're asking me. A guy does the asking. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah? When? :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't push me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''mimicking'') "Don't push me." ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Easy does it. I'm not the one you're mad at. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't you think we should get to know him a little more? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What's there to know? He's got the powers, he's got the gear- :'''Kevin Levin''': He's got a sparkly trail when he flies? ---- :'''Michael Morningstar''': (''points at screen'') I patched into the central Plumber's monitoring network. It's connected to everything: a global and interplanetary internet, earth-bound law inforcement frequencies, oh... and of course the badge communicator channel. :'''Kevin Levin''': Communicator channel? :'''Michael Morningstar''': Yeah, you did know the badges were communicators didn't you? ---- :''[Kevin absorbs the doorknob and sticks his finger into the keyhole to pick the lock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is why you changed your mind about Mike going off with Gwen? So we could spy on him? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yep. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, stop! :'''Kevin Levin''': He ain't right, Ben. If you're not gonna check him out, I am. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're doing the wrong thing, Kevin. The old Kevin thing. ''[Grabs Kevin's arm]'' Step away from the door. :'''Kevin Levin''': You really wanna fight me over some new guy? ''[Frees his arm from Ben's grip]'' That's how you're gonna build a team? ''[Opens the door]'' And they said I didn't learn anything in the Null Void. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin&ndash; :''[Trina arrives at the house.]'' :'''Trina''': Is Mike home? :''[Ben and Kevin turn to see Trina walking up to them.]'' :'''Trina''': He hasn't called me back since you and that new girl showed up. :''[Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Trina, right? Yeah, Morningstar ain't here right now. :''[Trina tilts her head to look at the open door. Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': We're just picking up some stuff for him. :'''Trina''': ''[Comes up the stairs]'' Then you know where he is. Can you take me? :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I mean, he's busy. :'''Trina''': I need to see him. Why won't he see me? :''[Kevin notices marks on Trina's arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Where did you get those marks on your arm? :''[Trina shrugs. Ben and Kevin turn away from Trina to keep her from hearing what they were saying.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': I saw those same marks on that zombie girl that tried to tenderize me. :'''Trina''': I just wanna see Mike. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin''': Yeah. I'm getting that. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Call me crazy, but is it possible Morningstar's the one making these girls this way? :''[Trina approaches them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're crazy. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': 'Scuse us. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, it didn't really hit me till just now, but Gwen's been wearing her sleeves lower than usual. She was hiding something. :''[Ben looks at the marks on Trina's arms. As Ben turns back to Kevin, Trina walks past them and walks into the house.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying Gwen has marks like that on her arms? :'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't see them for sure, but it makes sense. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come to think of it, Trina was all weak and wobbly when we first saw her on the highway. :''[Kevin nods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen was the same way at the power plant. Gwen might've caught whatever bug is doing this. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. And the bug's name is Mike Morningstar. === Max Out=== :'''Grandpa Max''': I said, "just coffee." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, no. Or let me put it in another way, no. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin, he's my cousin. He was supposed to be home from college two days ago. :'''Kevin Levin''': And you want me to waste my time driving my car looking for your cousin? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I know how it sounds. The police said to wait. I'm sure he's fine, but we just don't know where he is. :'''Kevin Levin''': Daytona Beach, Fort Lauderdale. He's a college student. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. He called from the road and said his car broke down in some town called Santa Mira. We haven't heard anything since. His folks are worried. :'''Kevin Levin''': And I'm supposed to care, why? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because he's my brother. :(''everyone is silent for a moment'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Get in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': What? Ken? Your brother's name is Ken? Gwen and Ken Tennyson? What's your folks' names? Sven and Jen? I'm talking to you, Ben. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes, our names rhyme and you noticed. Good for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Welcome to Santa Mira. :'''Kevin Levin''': For a guy who's so cool, he sure picked a lame spot to have spring break. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ken IS totally cool. And he didn't pick where the awesome-mobile broke down. :'''Kevin Levin''': The "Awesome-mobile"? :'''Ben Tennyson''': His car... I told you he's cool. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''sarcastic'') Oh yeah, who could doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I say, we hit the garages in town. Find Ken's car, and Ken. :'''Kevin Levin''': Good idea. I mean, how many garages can this whole support? Five -- five garages. One-horse town, five garages? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Five garages so far. And if the Awesome-mobile isn't in this one, we'll have to keep... ''[spots Ken's car]'' bingo. :'''Kevin Levin''': You found a bingo game? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I found his car. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's the Awesome-mobile? That thing makes the Rust Bucket look like a Ferrari! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (Grabs DNAlien with her magic beam) Tell us who tied you up, now! :'''DNAlien''': (scared) Max Tennyson. He wanted to find some kid. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where is he? :'''DNAlien''': (referring to Grandpa Max) I don't know. He cuffed me and left me here. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not him. He can take care of himself. The kid. Where is my brother? :'''DNAlien''': H-hatchery. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': No, but without the focusing lens, this thing will do a pretty good imitation of a hand grenade. I figured it would take out half a mile. :'''Highbreed Commander''': You wouldn't dare! You would be destroyed, and your offspring. :'''Grandpa Max''': Gwen, throw an energy field around you and your boys and... be a good girl. (smiles at Gwen) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (terrified) Grandpa Max, no please! :'''Grandpa Max''': Sorry Ben, it's the only way to make sure they can't do to the rest of the world what they did to Ken. You'll have to take it from here. I know you can do it! I believe in you... in all of you. (winks) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (yells) Grandpa, NOOOOO! (Grandpa Max presses the button and everything blows up; Gwen covers the team with an energy dome) :'''Kevin Levin''': That was, pretty hardcore. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, he saved the whole world. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, he did. For now, but I don't think those things are giving up anytime soon! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you saying? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm saying that it's up for someone to protect this planet. And like it or not... I think it's up to us. ===Pier Pressure=== :''[At Ben's house]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Great. My hair looks stupid, my shirt is wrinkled, and I have a zit the size of Kansas. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah? That's one big zit alright. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah! How did you get in here?! :'''Kevin Levin''': The usual way. Incidentally, you may wanna fix that hole I punched in your back door before your mother sees it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't knock? :'''Kevin Levin''': I sorta did. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Has anyone told you you're a strange and dangerous person? :'''Kevin Levin''': Constantly...but enough about me. Gwen says that you need a favor. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, yeah. See, I wanna go to the pier tonight with Julie. :'''Kevin Levin''': I bet you do. :'''Ben Tennyson''': And, since I don't have a car, :'''Kevin Levin''': Or a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Or a license. I was wondering if you could give us a ride. :'''Kevin Levin''': OK. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No jokes, no insults, no blackmail? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wow, thanks. Wait. you're gonna wait til we're in the car and you're gonna make my life miserable, aren't you? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiles, then slams door]'' Knobs broken. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now remember, Benny Boy, your mother and I want you home by ten o'clock sharp or you can't go to the disco. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Disco? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He watches a lot of reruns. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give him a break, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Gosh, pumpkin, what do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know exactly what I mean. At least when Ben likes a girl, he lets her know. He asks her out. Maturity. Isn't that a novel approach? :'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's got a girlfriend! Ben's got a girlfriend! (laughs) ---- :''[Ben is walking when he bumps into the cotton candy vendor.]'' :'''Cotton Candy Vendor''': Kid, you and me got a date with my insurance adjuster. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Date? ''[Remembers his date with Julie]'' Aah! ''[Takes the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy, then gives the vendor his money]'' Look, here's my allowance. It's all I've got. ''[Runs off]'' ---- :''[Julie is on the phone with someone.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': And then he ran off, and I've been&ndash; ''[Notices Ben running towards her with the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Wait, he's coming back. Later. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. You would not believe the line. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, there's nobody here. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Um, except at the concession stand, where they're doing huge business. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought you'd stood me up. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I'd never, ever do that to you. ''[Holds out the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Look, I got pink and blue. Your pick. :''[Julie takes the pink cotton candy from Ben. Ben takes a bite out of the blue cotton candy and shows Julie his blue teeth while smiling at her. Julie laughs.]'' ---- :''[Jetray flies to where Ship has taken Julie.]'' :'''Jetray''': What have you done with Julie? :''[Julie comes out from behind Ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm here. And how do you know my name? :''[Jetray flies down and lands. Julie cowers.]'' :'''Jetray''': Julie, don't be scared. It's me. It's&ndash; Ben. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a monster? ''[Approaches Jetray]'' :'''Jetray''': No. Well, yes. Actually, I'm, like, ten monsters. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Cool. :''[Jetray transforms back into Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Cool? ---- :'''Baz-El''': Yes, well as I was saying, before I lost consciousness I exuded this symbiote. The one you call 'Ship' — thank you — and sent it off to find the nearest Plumber. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Because your sink is clogged? :'''Humungousaur''': No, the Plumbers are intergalactic police officers. (''Julie gives him a weird look'') ...I'll explain later. And that's why it came after me. :'''Baz-El''': Well, of course. Didn't you receive its distress signal? :'''Humungousaur''': You mean...the beeping? :'''Baz-El''': ...Yes, that beeping. (''narrows eye'') Don't you know how that works?! :'''Humungousaur''': Not so much, no. :'''Baz-El''': Really. Aren't you a Plumber? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I thought you were. :'''Baz-El''': (''muttering'') I'm going to spend the rest of my life here. (''exasperated'') Look is there anyone else I can talk with?! ---- :''[Ben and Julie reattach the antenna to the ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': There. Now it's on tight. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I, uh&ndash; I guess this is probably the worst date you've ever had, huh? :'''Julie Yamamoto''': No, not the worst. Just different. And being different is fine. :''[Ben and Julie smile at each other.]'' ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, what about this thing? (referring to Ship) Doesn’t he blorp back into your body or something? :'''Baz-l''': "Blorp." That’s not how it works. ===What Are Little Girls Made Of?=== :''[Nightime: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': This is crazy. She didn't show yesterday and she's not gonna show tonight. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Humor me. :''[Kevin sighs in annoyance. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. He turns to see Kevin glaring at him. Ben opens his mouth as if to say something, but turns away. Ben pushes the lock and unlock button again.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Annoyed]'' Do I look like I'm kidding, Tennyson? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Annoyed]'' You guys! I have to find a bathroom. :'''Kevin Levin''': Lots of trees around. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Real debonair, Kevin. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets out of Kevin's car]'' There's a gas station a couple miles back. :'''Kevin Levin''': I'll drive you. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. Keep watch. I'll be right back. ''[Closes the door and walks away]'' :''[Ben and Kevin continue sitting in the car. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. Kevin gets so enraged that he grabs Ben and get ready to attack him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Points at Verdona approaching the tree]'' Look. :''[Kevin turns to see Verdona approaching the tree.]'' ---- :'''Verdona''': (''talking to Gwen'') Did you say Max was your grandfather? ''[Hugs Gwen]'' Kiddo! :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Um, he was my grandpa, too. :'''Verdona:''' Really? Ooh. Can you project pure energy like your sister? :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Cousin and no. :'''Verdona:''' Shame. Gwendolyn, I'm Verdona. We'll talk again soon. :'''Ben: Tennyson''': I think we just met our grandmother. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dad, we need to talk. :'''Frank Tennyson''': In your room? I'm honored! When was the last time you let me in here? :'''Gwen:''' I've been keeping a big secret from you: [[w:Magic (paranormal)|Magic powers]]. :'''Frank Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') So you're what, some kind of wizard in training? Come on, Gwen. There's no such thing. :'''Gwen:''' But, there's more. You ready? :(''Closes the drawer with her spellbooks in it, with a stream of bright pink glowing energy'') :'''Frank Tennyson:''' That's a big secret. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I met Grandma Verdona today. :'''Frank Tennyson''': I was afraid this day might come, but you never showed any signs of having [[w:list of superhuman features and abilities in fiction|powers]]. Your mother and I thought we were in the clear. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Magic runs in the family? I knew it. :'''Frank Tennyson''': Honey, there really is no such thing as magic. Your grandma's an alien. ---- :''[Gwen is sitting on the roof.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Joins Gwen]'' You would go up on the roof. Some of us can't fly, you know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Joins Gwen and Kevin]'' Dude, be supportive. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is not how I expected my day to go. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Still, it's pretty cool to find out about your powers, right? Grandma could teach you to do all that stuff she can do. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'd be gone for a long time, I guess. :'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe forever. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I've always felt like an outsider, like I'm in the wrong place. But then, I think, oh, that's high school for you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll miss you if you go. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, but we've been recruiting more and more Plumber kids, so we'd still have a pretty, powerful team. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh. :'''Ben Tennyson''': When I was trying to decide whether to use my powers again, you told me it was my choice. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, maybe you owe it to yourself to try turning into a cosmic mana master. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin? Do you feel the same way? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. Why would you even think about it? I want you around. The whole thing's lame. :''[Gwen kisses Kevin on the cheek and leaves. As Gwen heads off, Kevin turns to watch her.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Lame! Lame! Lame! ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Destroy? :'''Kevin Levin''': Her body? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Destroy my body? You're not serious. ---- :(''Kevin lifts a boulder ready to smash Verdona with it, but then he pauses'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, I don't know if I could pound your grandma. :'''Spidermonkey''': That's okay. We're teaching her to mind her mana.(''makes monkey-like laugh and Verdona laughs as well'') :'''Verdona''': Good one, Ben. :'''Kevin Levin''': Was not. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': She's drawing mana from millions of living things around her! :'''Kevin Levin''': The grass. ===The Gauntlet=== :'''Cash Murray''': Whoops. Hey, J.T., looks like somebody had an accident. :'''J.T.''': Yeah. Look at that mess Cash. Need me to get you a sippy cup Ben? Or maybe a diaper? (''he and Cash both laugh'') <hr width=50%> :'''J.T.''': Man, he got you good, Cash. You should have seen your face when--when he said... :'''Cash Murray''': Nobody does that to you and me, J.T., ever! Tennyson is gonna pay! I'll get him back, then everybody will be laughing at him! :'''J.T.''': (''looks around; spots Kevin's car'') Hey. It's Kevin's car! :'''Cash Murray''': Yeah? So? :'''J.T.''': (''gets an idea'') So, if it was me, I'd go trash it. Leave Ben for later. You mess up Kevin's car, and everybody'll know you're bad, the baddest in town. They'll be talking about it for years. (''Cash flashes a clever evil smile'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''yelling at Cash and J.T.'') Hey! What did you do to my car?! :'''Cash Murray''': (''tells J.T.'') Grab something! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''puts hand on Kevin's shoulder'') Kevin. :'''Ben Tennyson''': They won't get far. (''turns on Omitrix'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't, Ben! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can fly after them. I'll find them. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then what? Give up your secret? Like you said, they're not worth it. Besides, they can't hide forever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': (''wakes up with eyes glowing red, gets up, turns to J.T.'') I said, it's ''mine.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Knock-knock. (''kicks open the door'') Don't bother hiding. Your weasel friend already told me you were here. :'''Cash Murray''': (''unseen'') Levin? I don't have any beef with you. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's where we differ. You trashed my car. :(''Cash steps out from the shadows, revealing his right arm with alien technology grown over it'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''smiling'') Okay, that's a surprise. :'''Cash Murray''': Pretty cool, huh? I can also do this! (''blasts a hole through the concrete wall'') You were just about to leave, right? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. This is good. This is REALLY good. :'''Cash Murray''': What are you talking about? :'''Kevin Levin''': See, now that you're all jacked up, I don't have to hold back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': You guys thought I was so funny?! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!? :'''Ben Tennyson''': HEY! What is your problem? :'''Cash Murray''': ''You're'' my problem, Tennyson. But now I've got power. And no one can stop me, not even your friend, Kevin. That's right. I kicked Kevin Levin's butt. And you're next, Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not gonna fight you, Cash. :'''Cash Murray''': Well, then, this should be over pretty quick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[lonely]'' Hello? Anybody? Hello? ===Paradox=== :'''Kevin Levin''': You didn't need to come. Gwen and I could've handled this alone. It's nothing really. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It doesn't sound like nothing. Weird noises, unearthly lights, rumors of weird creatures out here. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the dudes I heard it from aren't totally reliable. :'''Gwen Tennsyon''': Isn't that like a big bad boy thing to do? Come out here to the ghost town to drag race. :'''Kevin Levin''': How should I know? I just know them from autoshop. :''[Gwen and Ben spot a graffiti that reads: '''"Kevin Rules!"''']'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max said Los Soledad used to be a big military base back in the 50's; some kind of research facility. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, must've been some serious research. Check out these walls. Fifty years later and there's still no way in. ''[spots the large holes in the walls]'' No way! These weren't here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The creature - it tried to use the pay phone, then it went to the police station, then the dorms. It didn't act like some unfathomable transdimensional creature. It did everything a normal person would do... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': …if they suddenly found themselves in an abandoned military base. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': These films are really corroded. But it looks like this base was built for some kind of time experiment called Project Paradox. :'''Kevin Levin''': Who wouldn't pick the desert outside Bellwood to do top-secret research? :'''Ben Tennyson''': They built it here because of the huge quartz deposits. :'''Kevin Levin''': "Quartz time?" Maybe they were trying to build the world's biggest wristwatch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': His name's been censored. Whoever he was, his paradox theory was the basis of some kind of experimental tunnel through time. :'''Kevin Levin''': Looks like my place after that big party I threw last weekend. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[spots a trail on the ground]'' Look, that thing's been here, too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Only one trail. It either came in here and vanished. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or it was born here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Not so fast, ugly! ''[punches the creature, causing his hand to get wrinkled and turns into an old man]'' :'''Swampfire''': ''[gasps]'' Kevin! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[turning back to human]'' Just touching that thing aged him, 60, 80 years? We've got to get him to a hospital. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What are you doing? Get your hands off me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on Kevin, we're going to get you some help. :'''Old Kevin Levin ''': What do you mean, "help"? I'm gonna kick that thing's keister! ''[his back spine pops as he kicks]'' Oy! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you okay? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': My back is killing me, my legs ache, and what's up with these shoes? Is it too much to ask for a little support? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's like a real irritable, short-tempered, crotchety old man. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Why are you whispering? :'''Ben Tennyson''': In other words, aside from the male-pattern baldness, he's pretty much the same as always. Come on, old man. ''[Old Kevin inserts his car keys into something]'' I'll take those. ''[takes the keys out of his hand]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What do you think you're doing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Driving. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Don't even think about it, you don't have a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max taught me, and it's an emergency. You're nearsighted, arthritic, your reflexes are shot, and you're trying to unlock a cactus. :''[Camera zooms out to reveal that Old Kevin was trying to unlock a cactus instead of his car]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You should've gone out with me when I was young and handsome. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You were too immature. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What about now? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Too old. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[backs up and bumps into some trash cans]'' Whoops! :'''Old Kevin Levin''': It's not a bumper car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trans-dimensional creature touches Kevin's car, causing it to age forward]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': No! No! Not the car! Not the car! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You are never driving my car again! :''[Parts from Kevin's car fall apart]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': True. :'''Professor Paradox''': Where have you been? You were supposed to get here six seconds ago. Or this thing running fast? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you anyway? What are you doing here? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is that creature? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Can you fix my car? :'''Professor Paradox''': There's something different about you. Is it your hair? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm parting it down the middle now, and I also got real old! :'''Professor Paradox''': Don't talk to me about old. I walk in eternity. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Well, you better start running ineternity, smart guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Paradox''': I'll tell you my story in a way that you can understand. With a beginning, middle and end. We'll start in the middle. Los Solidad was built entirely because of my ingenious theory. A time tunnel utilizing properties which I discovered in quartz crystals. Which allows us access past and future events. :'''Kevin Levin''': Well for a genius it looks like you blew it. :'''Professor Paradox''': You don't know the half of it. So some tiny miscalculation on my part destabilized the experiment and ripped a hole in the fabric of reality. I was hurled into the event horizon. I must have spent 100,000 years there. I didn't age, or need to sleep or eat. Just exist. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heh, sounds pretty boring. :'''Professor Paradox''' At first, I went mad of course, but after a few millennia, I got bored with that too, and went sane. Very Sane. I began to learn. I now have total understanding of the space/time continuum, allowing me to travel anywhere and anywhen I want. Within reason of course. ===Be-Knighted=== :'''Squire''': The Dragon escaped. (''the team is shocked'') Ben, we need you to help us. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying you want me to be a part of all this? Be a knight? :'''Squire''': Yes, Ben. Join us in our most noble of causes. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do I get some of that cool armor? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is it with you? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You see a bunch of old swords and axes, and you're ready to jump in and be a knight in shining armor? There's still a lot we don't know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like? :'''Kevin Levin''': Like if there even is a dragon. I mean all they've got for proof are these things... (''tears decor on wall'') Sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben turns into Humungousaur and pushes Connor and Squire to the side of their vehicle'') :'''Humungousaur''': You know where the dragon's headed, don't you? :'''Connor''': ''[laughs]'' If you're trying to scare us, it's going to take a lot more than a stripling with a fancy wristwatch, right? :'''Squire''': Absolutely! We've taken a sacred oath! (''Humungousaur starts growing bigger'') ''[frightened and scared]'' 6200 Prospect Boulevard where the 12 and 408 freeways meet. :'''Humungousaur''': What? :'''Squire''': It's where the dragon's going. :'''Connor''': Squire! :'''Squire''': The Knights found a huge relic the same time they caught the dragon. They didn't know what it was or what it did, so they hid it for safekeeping. They sent the relic to our lab to see if it had any technology they could use against the dragon. When it flew across the Atlantic, we figured it was connected to the relic somehow. (''Humungousaur shrinks and changes back to Ben'') And that's all I know, I swear! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's fine, really. (''gets in Kevin's car and drives off'') :'''Squire''': Wait! I almost forgot, they think the relic's alien. But they haven't figured out what it does yet! :'''Connor''': Pathetic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew I'd seen one of these before. What is it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Galvan Universal Translator -- translates any language into any other, in real time. Pretty common alien tech. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The dragon had something like this near its throat, but it looked busted. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then all we have to do is replace the broken one with this one. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's all, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dragon''': (''after replacing old Galvan Universal Transmitter'') Leave me alone, leave me alone! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can talk. :'''Dragon''': Of course I can talk. Why wouldn't I be able to talk? :'''Spidermonkey''': Well, I-I thought you were a, um... :'''Dragon''': A what? :'''Spidermonkey''': A-a-a... a-a m-monster? :'''Dragon''': Yeah? Well, I thought YOU were a monkey. :'''Spidermonkey''': Oh, I don't really look like THIS. :(''transforms back into Ben'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': See? :'''Dragon''': Sorry. All mammals look alike to me. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's not just you, Ben does sort of favor a monkey. Smells like one too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ok, enough with that. ===Plumber's Helpers=== :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What kind of a hero travels in a bus? :'''Ben Tennyson''': None of us knows how to drive a car and none of us has a license! What do you want me to do? (''pretends to call mom'') Hi, Mom. We need to go fight some aliens. Will you give us a ride? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, whatever. I'm just worried, that's all. :'''Ben Tennyson''': About Kevin? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well yeah, what else? We need to find him before... you know, before something bad happens. Not that I care or anything. I mean come on; how can anyone care about a person who's that rude, and undependable and, and... annoying? It's ridiculous. How could you even say something like that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused, shocked, understanding Gwen's feelings for Kevin'') Actually...I didn't say anything. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh! (''Gwen looks away embarrassed'') :(''at Manny and Helen's hideout'') :'''Manny Armstrong''': Are they close? :(''Ben and Gwen arrive'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': Very! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Now give us back our friend! :(''Helen and Manny start shooting at Ben and Gwen, Gwen puts up her shield'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') Friend? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Teammate, co-worker, whatever.... can we talk about this later? :(''Helen noticed the distracted Gwen and Ben, so taking advantage, she shoots a piece of rock, which breaks into three, all falling on Ben's head and shoulders'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! I wasn't the one who... Uh... Uh... Uhhhh (''falls unconscious'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! (''hits Manny and Helen with her shield'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''at the same time regaining consciousness, realizing that Ben and Gwen have come to his rescue'') Looks like my rescuers need rescuing. (''absorbs pocket change'') Guess it'll have to do. ---- :''[Arguing]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': But look at it this way: your human form is probably even uglier. :'''Manny Armstrong''': You wanna go another round? :'''Kevin Levin''': Anytime, pal! :'''Helen Wheels''': (''to Gwen'') Tell your boyfriend to back off. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No you tell yours...whoahoh, he's not my boyfriend! :'''Helen Wheels''': Well, you sure act like it. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't tell me who my boyfriend isn't... is! :'''Manny Armstrong''': Think you're funny? :'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, you're the comedian. At least you got the face for it. :'''Manny Armstrong''': BOY ARE YOU ASKIN' FOR IT?! :'''Kevin Levin''': I'm begging for it! Who's gonna give it to me? :'''Manny Armstrong''': Me! With three hands tied behind my back! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' Hey!! Stop it, all of you! What am I, your babysitter?! :'''Helen Wheels''': (''referring to Pierce'') You sounded just like my brother. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') Really? :'''Helen Wheels''': Pierce was always the one who always kept his ground. ---- :''[After Manny and Helen jump into the projector, the projector turns off.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Points at the projector]'' That is so not gonna go well. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know. On paper, we don't look like such a great team either. :'''Kevin Levin''': There is that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go swipe some of there equipment. ''[Turns around and heads towards the warehouse]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Shocked]'' Kevin! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' So not cool, man! :''[Ben and Gwen follow Kevin towards the warehouse.]'' ===X = Ben + 2=== :''[Mr. Smoothy's: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we please make a decision? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Slurps his smoothy]'' I'm only saying it once. Auto show. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, we're going to the lake. Right, Ben? :'''Ben Tennyson''': We've kind of done the lake, Gwen. :''[Gwen slurps her smoothy indignantly. One Incursian materializes in front of the car, followed by four other Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To the five Incursians]'' I don't suppose you guys wanna go to the auto show? :''[An Incursian points his gun at Ben, Gwen, and Kevin, with the four other incursians following suit.]'' ---- :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are being held at gunpoint by the Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Kevin]'' Kevin? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[To Ben]'' Incursian warriors, packing serious ordinance. :''[Commander Raff materializes.]'' :'''Commander Raff''': Weapons down. Sorry, Kevin, you know Incursians. :'''Kevin Levin''': Raff, how you been? Guys, this is Raff. The number two guy in like 40 star systems. Raff, Gwen Tennyson. :'''Commander Raff''': Tennyson? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, that's him there. ''[To Ben]'' I used to talk about what I'd do to you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Right, back when you were a crook. :'''Kevin Levin''': Entrepreneur. I kept Raff's whole empire in food and sandals. What brings you out this way? :'''Commander Raff''': Sevenseven snatched a little girl in this system and I ''really'' need to find her. You're the only Earth fellow I know. She wore the royal color. Seen anybody like that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Sevenseven? Like that guy Sixsix we used to fight? :'''Commander Raff''': He's the same race as Sixsix, but far more dangerous. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, 11 more dangerous. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': If this was hers and you can teleport, we're practically done. ''[uses her powers to find Princess Attea with the princess's royal piece]'' Got her. She's at Grand Madre Dame. And she's fighting back. <hr width=50%> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[activates Omnitrix]'' Gotta stop that water. ''[scrolls through his aliens, and comes to Alien X]'' Good a time as any to give this one a try. ''[turns into Alien X]'' :'''Alien X''': Alien X! Seconded! Water stopping motion carried! ''[makes a clear circle in the air and it restores everything broken back to normal]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[snapping his fingers in front of Alien X's face]'' Hello? Anybody home in there? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, come on. Sevenseven's getting away with the princess. Ben, are you okay? Ben? :''[Inside Alien X's mind]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is awesome! Quick, how do I make something else happen? :'''Serena''': You are one of three. :'''Belicus''': Weren't you listening? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, whatever. Okay, team Alien X! Let's move! ''[Starts flying away from Serena and Bellicus, but stops when he realizes they aren't doing anything]'' :'''Serena''': We are one of the most powerfull beings in the universe. :'''Belicus''': Because we are the most deliberative. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? You mean the Earth is safe? :'''Belicus''': No. How did you get that? ''[Ben flies back to them]'' :'''Serena''': I am Serena, the voice of love and compassion. :'''Belicus''': And I'm Belicus, the voice of rage and aggression. You're supposed to be the voice of reason! :'''Serena''': Belicus and I have been locked in eternal argument. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, that's great, but the Earth is going to be destroyed any minute! :'''Serena''': ''[Sadly]'' I feel sorrow. Billions of lives will be lost. :'''Belicus''': Nah, they probably had it coming. ''[To Ben]'' Get it, genius? We ''deliberate''. Now you try it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I wanna know what happened to my friends. :'''Serena''': Seconded! :'''Belicus''': Motion carried. ''[A glowing window appears, allowing them to see Gwen and Kevin]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[trying to put Alien X in through the car window]'' Ugh, just bend or something! ''[tries putting him in the trunk]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't just stuff him in the trunk! :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right, he doesn't fit. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious. He hasn't moved since he fixed the dam. Maybe he's hurt, or... :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah, he's warm. Maybe he's resting. ---- :'''Emperor Milleous''': People of Earth, your time is up. Bring me the royal detonator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[begging]'' Don't do it! (''Milleous laughs and presses the button'') No! :''' Emperor Milleous''': Of course not. My daughter's still there. But the conquest ray did fire, now. Put the little pretty one up on the screen now. :(''Pluto is shown on the screen'') :'''Kevin Levin''': That is Pluto. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Pretty? Uh, it's a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''The conquest ray hits Pluto and is destroyed'') :'''Emperor Milleous''': ''Was'' a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''Gwen gasps in shock'') ---- :'''Belicus''': Alien X doesn't do anything until it's put to a vote. We've already cut you slack 'cause you're new. But that's the procedure. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. I ''move'' that you let me use the Omnitrix. :'''Belicus''': Is there a second? (''he and Ben both look at Serena'') Motion defeated. :'''Serena and Belicus''': Good vote. :'''Serena''': You see, until you showed up, Alien X was always in a deadlock. But now we've finally found a tiebreaker. How could we ever let you go? :'''Belicus''': Got that, genius? You're NEVER changing back. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He blew it up. :'''Kevin Levin''': Look at the bright side, this should smooth out Neptune's orbit. :'''Emperor Milleous''': Yes, and Earth will be in smaller pieces if Princess Attea isn't returned to me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''(Yells out)'' That makes no sense! :'''Kevin Levin''': (Whispers into Gwen's ear) Gwen... Evil dictator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Earth can't even communicate with you! :'''Attendant''': ''(In voice message)'' Incoming message from Earth, your violent highness. ''(Emperor Milleous looks at her)'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do I know? ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Serena]'' You're supposed to be love and compassion! How can you let an entire world die?! ''[To Belicus]'' And you're supposed to be anger and aggression! How can you let bad stuff go unpunished?! How can you both be so useless?! :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' Useless?! :'''Serena''': We're the most powerful beings in the universe. We change the very nature of space and time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't DO anything! Billions of lives are at stake and you're all "Oh, the procedure"! ''[Serena sobs]'' :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' '''''NOW''''' look at what you've! All right! I move that we save the Earth! HAPPY?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Determined]'' No! Just let me out of here. I've got nine other guys who can do it better. :'''Serena''': ''[gasps in a heartbroken way]'' That's hurtful! ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, what happened to you back there? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, no way am I ever becoming Alien X again. :'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? When it was working, you kicked massive butt. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. My most powerful transformation ever. But it isn't worth the price. :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin drive away.]'' ==Characters== ===Main=== *Ben Tennyson *Gwen Tennyson *Kevin Levin ===Supporting=== *Maxwell Tennyson ("Max Out") *Verdona Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Frank and Natalie Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Helen and Manny ("Plumbers' Helpers") ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Alien Force}} [[Category:Ben 10: Alien Force seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 00agbbsiconn3u0uefvmu5xctrp5937 3155609 3155608 2022-08-17T17:24:02Z 172.58.236.203 /* Everybody Talks About the Weather */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''. ==Season 1 (2008)== ===Ben 10 Returns Part 1=== :''[Ben is sleeping when Gwen returns, causing him to wake up.]'' :'''Gwen''': Well, that's attractive. :'''Ben''': ''[Stands up and wipes his mouth]'' What? I'm awake. What? :'''Gwen''': You needed help? :'''Ben''': I need advice. ''[Holds up the Omnitrix]'' ---- :''[Gwen traps the fish-like alien in a magenta energy rope]'' :'''Ben''': You're getting really good at that stuff. :'''Gwen''': Thanks. :'''Ben''': ''[Threatening the alien in a fishbowl helmet]'' I want some answers right now, otherwise&ndash; :'''Magister Labrid''': Yeah? :'''Ben''': I dunno. I'll overfeed you? :'''Magister Labrid''': Do I look like somebody to joke with? ---- :'''Swampfire''': I forgot how much fun this is. ''[Forever Knights fire at him]'' That tickles! ''[His arm falls off]'' Hey! ''[His arm reattaches back]'' You guys are in so much trouble. ''[Defeats 2 Forever Knights, then Kevin appears]'' :'''Kevin''': Hey, Tennyson! :'''Swampfire''': What do you want? :'''Kevin''': Let's see, you trapped me in the Null Void all these years. :'''Swampfire''': You did that to yourself! :'''Kevin''': And you ruined my deal today. I'm thinking I want revenge. The good news is, since I can absorb anything, ''[Absorbs metal from train track]'' I've got more than enough power to take it. :'''Swampfire''': ''[Shocked at Kevin's new ability]'' That's new! ---- :''[Kevin wakes up to see Swampfire, Gwen, and Labrid standing before him, causing him to glare at them. Swampfire transforms back into Ben. Kevin looks down and sees energy cuffs on his arms. He tries to break free, but is unsuccessful.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': Energy cuffs. You can't escape. Ain't nothing there to absorb. :'''Ben''': ''[To Gwen]'' You still got some of that stuff in your hair. :''[Gwen runs her fingers through the right side of her hair.]'' :'''Kevin''': Other side. :''[Gwen touches the left side of her hair and feels the slime.]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Disgusted by the goop on the left side of her hair]'' Eww! :'''Magister Labrid''': Time we had a talk, tough guy. ''[Opens the bottom of the laser lance to reveal the ether-point energy cell]'' These weapons run on ether-point energy cells. A dangerous technology way too advanced for humans. ''[Closes the bottom of the laser lance]'' They shouldn't even be on this planet. :'''Kevin''': So? How's that my problem? :'''Ben''': While we were fighting, the Forever Knights got away with a crate full of them. :'''Magister Labrid''': You set up the deal. You're going to tell me where they are. :'''Gwen''': ''[Puts her hand on Kevin's shoulder]'' Kevin, people could be hurt. :''[Kevin's face softens at Gwen's words.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': You're in a lot of trouble, son. I'm giving you a chance to help yourself here. :'''Kevin''': You don't have to convince me. ''[Stands up]'' Those guys ran off before I got paid. I'm happy to help find those deadbeats. ====Ben 10 Returns Part 2==== :''[Ben and Kevin are in Kevin's car. Gwen is floating in front of them with a laser lance spinning around in front of her.]'' :'''Ben''': Are you sure this is going to work? :'''Gwen''': No. I've never done something like this before. But in theory, I should be able to trace the vibrations from this laser lance back to the people who used to own it. :'''Ben''': I thought I destroyed all of those things. :'''Kevin''': I kept one as a souvenir. Lucky, huh? ''[Ben frowns at him]'' :''[The laser lance stops spinning, turns pink, and points in the right direction.]'' :'''Gwen''': Hey, it's working. Follow me! :''[Gwen floats off, with Ben and Kevin following behind.]'' :'''Kevin''': I'll follow you anywhere. :''[The car starts going off-road.]'' :'''Kevin''': ''[Angrily]'' Except there! Come on, Gwen! Paint job! ---- :''[Ben turns into Humungousaur]'' :'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Yes! (''To the DNAliens'') Guess what time it is? It's hero time! (''Humungousaur battles the DNAliens'') :'''Kevin''': (''referring to Highbreed Commander'') Did he hurt you? :'''Gwen''': No. :'''Kevin''': Well, I'm going to hurt him! (''lifts his metallic fists and gets ready to fight'') :'''Humungousaur''': He's too strong. I'll hold on, you guys get outside. :'''Gwen''': I'm not going to let you fight that thing by yourself! :'''Humungousaur''': No time to argue! Kevin get her out! :'''Kevin''': You heard the man. :'''Gwen''': Let me go! :'''Kevin''': As soon as we're off the ship! ---- :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''to Humungousaur'') You've ruined everything by discovering this location. You've sent our plans back months. Inferior scum, I have to move my ship and find a new hiding place. I'll have to sterilize the area! :'''Humungousaur''': Huh? Sterilize? :'''Highbreed Commander''': Destroy all life within 5 miles of here! No witnesses will live to tell the tale. :'''Humungousaur''': (''angered'') You can't! :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''grabs Humungousaur by the neck'') I can and I will! ===Everybody Talks About the Weather=== :'''Ben''': (''riding in Kevin's car'') Can't this thing go any faster? :'''Kevin''': (''driving through a 25-MPH speed zone'') Yes. :'''Ben ''': We're still going the same speed. :'''Kevin''': It's called the speed limit. Fastest we're going tonight. :'''Ben''': But you said- :'''Kevin''': I said "could," not "would. :'''Ben''': My mom's going to kill me if i'm late getting home again. :'''Kevin''': Huh, if she grounds you, it'll be just me and Gwen. Tough break. :'''Gwen''': You think i'd go with you if Ben wasn't here? :'''Kevin''': Yeah. I got roguish charm. :(''beeping noise'') :'''Gwen''': Phone call for Mr. Rogueish charm. :'''Kevin''': Not me. I don't have a cell. :'''Gwen''': Then it's probably 1 of your many girlfriends. (''Gwen reaches into Kevin's coat pocket and takes out his Plumbers badge'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Grandpa Max doesn't have anything to do with this, does he? :'''Kevin''': Nope. :'''Gwen''': So that badge belongs to the Heatblast guy. Where do you think he got it? :'''Kevin''': He doesn't act like a Plumber. He's probably just a Plumber's kid. :'''Gwen''': Why would a policeman give his son a badge? :'''Kevin''': To keep real Plumbers from arresting them for interplanetary trespass. A badge is better than a passport. :'''Gwen''': I'm not following. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heatblast Jr. is probably part human. Human's with alien ancestors are actually pretty common. Most of them have superpowers. :'''Gwen''': Common? :'''Kevin''': Well, yeah. That's what you are. You get your powers through your grandpa. I thought you knew. :'''Gwen''': (''scoffs'') I get my powers from magic talismans and books. :'''Kevin''': (''laughs'') Yeah right. Magic. ===Kevin's Big Score=== :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''Gwen appears'') He got away. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Whoa! I mean, oh, no! :'''Ben Tennyson''': How could I let my guard down? He's a liar and a thief. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was the old Kevin. He's different now. And we're different too. (pulls out handkerchief) I can track him from this. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You kept his sweaty handkerchief? : (''Her eyes glow pink and the handkerchief glows with a pink aura'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Got him! ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now, I know this looks bad. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Bad? Bad?! If you don't get the Rust Bucket back, I'll show you bad! :'''Kevin Levin''': Doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What happens when this is all over and Grandpa comes home? Where's he gonna live then? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Do I have to separate you two? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He stole Grandpa's home. What kind of jerk steals an old man's home? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': One with a good reason. Right? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, this is important. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Important to ''you''. ---- :''[Ben kicks down a pile of tires.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're supposed to be keeping the planet safe from an alien invasion, and we can't keep a motor home from being stolen? :'''Kevin Levin''': Drop it. (''starts to walk away'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''blocking his way'') Don't walk away from me! :'''Kevin Levin''': Is this where you turn into an alien and try to kick my butt? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm considering it. ---- :'''Vulkanus''': Kevin Levin. I can't decide whether to trade with you or tear you to pieces. Remember that counterfeit-isotope scam a few years back? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Sorry about that. :'''Vulkanus''': You left me holding the bag, and at the mercy of the Plumbers. I escaped, but now I'm stuck on Earth swapping level-3 tech to get by, thanks to you. :'''Kevin Levin''': Ancient history. I'm here to make a deal. :'''Vulkanus''': ''[Stands up]'' I have the Plumber gadget you want. ''[Shows Kevin the holo-viewer]'' What do you give me for it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, completely straight, I had this stash of Plumber's technology, but I lost it. :'''Vulkanus''': You want to owe me? :'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me what I have to do to get. :''[Vulkanus holds out his hand, but when Kevin is about to shake it, he grabs his whole arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Huh? :'''Vulkanus''': Kneel. :''[Vulkanus squeezes Kevin's hand hard, causing Kevin to groan in pain. Kevin drops to his knees while holding his hand. A machine rises from the floor. A piece of Taydenite rises from the machine and wraps two appendages around Kevin's hand, slowly pulling him in and forcing him to touch the crystal and absorb it.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': First, you're going to pay me back for the double-cross. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[As his whole body starts turning into Taydenite]'' I can't&ndash; stop&ndash; absorbing! :'''Vulkanus''': Because I don't want you to. You're recursibly absorbing a piece of Taydenite, the rarest most precious living gem in the entire galaxy. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens slide Kevin backwards. Two large cuffs rise from the floor and hold Kevin in place as the crystals on his back start growing.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': This is the only piece of Taydenite in this spiral of the Milky Way. Or it was, until you came along. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[With his face turning into Taydenite]'' You're garbage! :''[As the crystals on his back grow larger, Kevin screams in pain. The Pickaxe Aliens climb on Kevin's back.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You owe me. I'm gonna take it out of your hide, then sell you all piece by piece. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens chip the Taydenite away from Kevin's back. The Taydenite fall into the mine carts.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': And I'm gonna do it forever. :'''Kevin Levin''': Do what you want to me, but Ben Tennyson gets that holo-viewer. :''[Vulkanus laughs, then flicks the holo-viewer away towards the wall.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You're in a bad position to make demands. ---- :''[Ben gets a message from Max.]'' :'''Max Tennyson''': Ben, if you found this message, you must be in pretty deep. There's a lot I can't reveal yet, but here's one thing I can: You can't go it alone. By now, you're probably meeting some of the other Plumber's kids, but you have to find more. You need to put together a team. ===All That Glitters=== :'''Kevin Levin''': (''referring to Ben'') Think we should be worried about him? He's been watching that thing for hours. (''sips drink; looks at Gwen'') Problem? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why haven't you asked me out? :'''Kevin Levin''': What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You heard me. We spend all of our time together, and you obviously like me. :(''Kevin laughs'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You do. I see you mooning at me when you think I'm not looking. :'''Kevin Levin''': Mooning? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': And I like YOU - most of the time - so I'm asking you again. :'''Kevin Levin''': See? That's the problem. You're asking me. A guy does the asking. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah? When? :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't push me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''mimicking'') "Don't push me." ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Easy does it. I'm not the one you're mad at. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't you think we should get to know him a little more? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What's there to know? He's got the powers, he's got the gear- :'''Kevin Levin''': He's got a sparkly trail when he flies? ---- :'''Michael Morningstar''': (''points at screen'') I patched into the central Plumber's monitoring network. It's connected to everything: a global and interplanetary internet, earth-bound law inforcement frequencies, oh... and of course the badge communicator channel. :'''Kevin Levin''': Communicator channel? :'''Michael Morningstar''': Yeah, you did know the badges were communicators didn't you? ---- :''[Kevin absorbs the doorknob and sticks his finger into the keyhole to pick the lock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is why you changed your mind about Mike going off with Gwen? So we could spy on him? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yep. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, stop! :'''Kevin Levin''': He ain't right, Ben. If you're not gonna check him out, I am. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're doing the wrong thing, Kevin. The old Kevin thing. ''[Grabs Kevin's arm]'' Step away from the door. :'''Kevin Levin''': You really wanna fight me over some new guy? ''[Frees his arm from Ben's grip]'' That's how you're gonna build a team? ''[Opens the door]'' And they said I didn't learn anything in the Null Void. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin&ndash; :''[Trina arrives at the house.]'' :'''Trina''': Is Mike home? :''[Ben and Kevin turn to see Trina walking up to them.]'' :'''Trina''': He hasn't called me back since you and that new girl showed up. :''[Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Trina, right? Yeah, Morningstar ain't here right now. :''[Trina tilts her head to look at the open door. Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': We're just picking up some stuff for him. :'''Trina''': ''[Comes up the stairs]'' Then you know where he is. Can you take me? :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I mean, he's busy. :'''Trina''': I need to see him. Why won't he see me? :''[Kevin notices marks on Trina's arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Where did you get those marks on your arm? :''[Trina shrugs. Ben and Kevin turn away from Trina to keep her from hearing what they were saying.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': I saw those same marks on that zombie girl that tried to tenderize me. :'''Trina''': I just wanna see Mike. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin''': Yeah. I'm getting that. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Call me crazy, but is it possible Morningstar's the one making these girls this way? :''[Trina approaches them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're crazy. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': 'Scuse us. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, it didn't really hit me till just now, but Gwen's been wearing her sleeves lower than usual. She was hiding something. :''[Ben looks at the marks on Trina's arms. As Ben turns back to Kevin, Trina walks past them and walks into the house.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying Gwen has marks like that on her arms? :'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't see them for sure, but it makes sense. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come to think of it, Trina was all weak and wobbly when we first saw her on the highway. :''[Kevin nods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen was the same way at the power plant. Gwen might've caught whatever bug is doing this. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. And the bug's name is Mike Morningstar. === Max Out=== :'''Grandpa Max''': I said, "just coffee." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, no. Or let me put it in another way, no. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin, he's my cousin. He was supposed to be home from college two days ago. :'''Kevin Levin''': And you want me to waste my time driving my car looking for your cousin? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I know how it sounds. The police said to wait. I'm sure he's fine, but we just don't know where he is. :'''Kevin Levin''': Daytona Beach, Fort Lauderdale. He's a college student. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. He called from the road and said his car broke down in some town called Santa Mira. We haven't heard anything since. His folks are worried. :'''Kevin Levin''': And I'm supposed to care, why? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because he's my brother. :(''everyone is silent for a moment'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Get in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': What? Ken? Your brother's name is Ken? Gwen and Ken Tennyson? What's your folks' names? Sven and Jen? I'm talking to you, Ben. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes, our names rhyme and you noticed. Good for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Welcome to Santa Mira. :'''Kevin Levin''': For a guy who's so cool, he sure picked a lame spot to have spring break. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ken IS totally cool. And he didn't pick where the awesome-mobile broke down. :'''Kevin Levin''': The "Awesome-mobile"? :'''Ben Tennyson''': His car... I told you he's cool. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''sarcastic'') Oh yeah, who could doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I say, we hit the garages in town. Find Ken's car, and Ken. :'''Kevin Levin''': Good idea. I mean, how many garages can this whole support? Five -- five garages. One-horse town, five garages? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Five garages so far. And if the Awesome-mobile isn't in this one, we'll have to keep... ''[spots Ken's car]'' bingo. :'''Kevin Levin''': You found a bingo game? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I found his car. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's the Awesome-mobile? That thing makes the Rust Bucket look like a Ferrari! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (Grabs DNAlien with her magic beam) Tell us who tied you up, now! :'''DNAlien''': (scared) Max Tennyson. He wanted to find some kid. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where is he? :'''DNAlien''': (referring to Grandpa Max) I don't know. He cuffed me and left me here. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not him. He can take care of himself. The kid. Where is my brother? :'''DNAlien''': H-hatchery. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': No, but without the focusing lens, this thing will do a pretty good imitation of a hand grenade. I figured it would take out half a mile. :'''Highbreed Commander''': You wouldn't dare! You would be destroyed, and your offspring. :'''Grandpa Max''': Gwen, throw an energy field around you and your boys and... be a good girl. (smiles at Gwen) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (terrified) Grandpa Max, no please! :'''Grandpa Max''': Sorry Ben, it's the only way to make sure they can't do to the rest of the world what they did to Ken. You'll have to take it from here. I know you can do it! I believe in you... in all of you. (winks) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (yells) Grandpa, NOOOOO! (Grandpa Max presses the button and everything blows up; Gwen covers the team with an energy dome) :'''Kevin Levin''': That was, pretty hardcore. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, he saved the whole world. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, he did. For now, but I don't think those things are giving up anytime soon! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you saying? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm saying that it's up for someone to protect this planet. And like it or not... I think it's up to us. ===Pier Pressure=== :''[At Ben's house]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Great. My hair looks stupid, my shirt is wrinkled, and I have a zit the size of Kansas. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah? That's one big zit alright. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah! How did you get in here?! :'''Kevin Levin''': The usual way. Incidentally, you may wanna fix that hole I punched in your back door before your mother sees it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't knock? :'''Kevin Levin''': I sorta did. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Has anyone told you you're a strange and dangerous person? :'''Kevin Levin''': Constantly...but enough about me. Gwen says that you need a favor. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, yeah. See, I wanna go to the pier tonight with Julie. :'''Kevin Levin''': I bet you do. :'''Ben Tennyson''': And, since I don't have a car, :'''Kevin Levin''': Or a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Or a license. I was wondering if you could give us a ride. :'''Kevin Levin''': OK. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No jokes, no insults, no blackmail? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wow, thanks. Wait. you're gonna wait til we're in the car and you're gonna make my life miserable, aren't you? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiles, then slams door]'' Knobs broken. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now remember, Benny Boy, your mother and I want you home by ten o'clock sharp or you can't go to the disco. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Disco? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He watches a lot of reruns. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give him a break, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Gosh, pumpkin, what do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know exactly what I mean. At least when Ben likes a girl, he lets her know. He asks her out. Maturity. Isn't that a novel approach? :'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's got a girlfriend! Ben's got a girlfriend! (laughs) ---- :''[Ben is walking when he bumps into the cotton candy vendor.]'' :'''Cotton Candy Vendor''': Kid, you and me got a date with my insurance adjuster. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Date? ''[Remembers his date with Julie]'' Aah! ''[Takes the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy, then gives the vendor his money]'' Look, here's my allowance. It's all I've got. ''[Runs off]'' ---- :''[Julie is on the phone with someone.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': And then he ran off, and I've been&ndash; ''[Notices Ben running towards her with the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Wait, he's coming back. Later. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. You would not believe the line. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, there's nobody here. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Um, except at the concession stand, where they're doing huge business. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought you'd stood me up. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I'd never, ever do that to you. ''[Holds out the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Look, I got pink and blue. Your pick. :''[Julie takes the pink cotton candy from Ben. Ben takes a bite out of the blue cotton candy and shows Julie his blue teeth while smiling at her. Julie laughs.]'' ---- :''[Jetray flies to where Ship has taken Julie.]'' :'''Jetray''': What have you done with Julie? :''[Julie comes out from behind Ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm here. And how do you know my name? :''[Jetray flies down and lands. Julie cowers.]'' :'''Jetray''': Julie, don't be scared. It's me. It's&ndash; Ben. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a monster? ''[Approaches Jetray]'' :'''Jetray''': No. Well, yes. Actually, I'm, like, ten monsters. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Cool. :''[Jetray transforms back into Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Cool? ---- :'''Baz-El''': Yes, well as I was saying, before I lost consciousness I exuded this symbiote. The one you call 'Ship' — thank you — and sent it off to find the nearest Plumber. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Because your sink is clogged? :'''Humungousaur''': No, the Plumbers are intergalactic police officers. (''Julie gives him a weird look'') ...I'll explain later. And that's why it came after me. :'''Baz-El''': Well, of course. Didn't you receive its distress signal? :'''Humungousaur''': You mean...the beeping? :'''Baz-El''': ...Yes, that beeping. (''narrows eye'') Don't you know how that works?! :'''Humungousaur''': Not so much, no. :'''Baz-El''': Really. Aren't you a Plumber? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I thought you were. :'''Baz-El''': (''muttering'') I'm going to spend the rest of my life here. (''exasperated'') Look is there anyone else I can talk with?! ---- :''[Ben and Julie reattach the antenna to the ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': There. Now it's on tight. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I, uh&ndash; I guess this is probably the worst date you've ever had, huh? :'''Julie Yamamoto''': No, not the worst. Just different. And being different is fine. :''[Ben and Julie smile at each other.]'' ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, what about this thing? (referring to Ship) Doesn’t he blorp back into your body or something? :'''Baz-l''': "Blorp." That’s not how it works. ===What Are Little Girls Made Of?=== :''[Nightime: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': This is crazy. She didn't show yesterday and she's not gonna show tonight. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Humor me. :''[Kevin sighs in annoyance. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. He turns to see Kevin glaring at him. Ben opens his mouth as if to say something, but turns away. Ben pushes the lock and unlock button again.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Annoyed]'' Do I look like I'm kidding, Tennyson? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Annoyed]'' You guys! I have to find a bathroom. :'''Kevin Levin''': Lots of trees around. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Real debonair, Kevin. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets out of Kevin's car]'' There's a gas station a couple miles back. :'''Kevin Levin''': I'll drive you. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. Keep watch. I'll be right back. ''[Closes the door and walks away]'' :''[Ben and Kevin continue sitting in the car. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. Kevin gets so enraged that he grabs Ben and get ready to attack him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Points at Verdona approaching the tree]'' Look. :''[Kevin turns to see Verdona approaching the tree.]'' ---- :'''Verdona''': (''talking to Gwen'') Did you say Max was your grandfather? ''[Hugs Gwen]'' Kiddo! :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Um, he was my grandpa, too. :'''Verdona:''' Really? Ooh. Can you project pure energy like your sister? :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Cousin and no. :'''Verdona:''' Shame. Gwendolyn, I'm Verdona. We'll talk again soon. :'''Ben: Tennyson''': I think we just met our grandmother. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dad, we need to talk. :'''Frank Tennyson''': In your room? I'm honored! When was the last time you let me in here? :'''Gwen:''' I've been keeping a big secret from you: [[w:Magic (paranormal)|Magic powers]]. :'''Frank Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') So you're what, some kind of wizard in training? Come on, Gwen. There's no such thing. :'''Gwen:''' But, there's more. You ready? :(''Closes the drawer with her spellbooks in it, with a stream of bright pink glowing energy'') :'''Frank Tennyson:''' That's a big secret. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I met Grandma Verdona today. :'''Frank Tennyson''': I was afraid this day might come, but you never showed any signs of having [[w:list of superhuman features and abilities in fiction|powers]]. Your mother and I thought we were in the clear. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Magic runs in the family? I knew it. :'''Frank Tennyson''': Honey, there really is no such thing as magic. Your grandma's an alien. ---- :''[Gwen is sitting on the roof.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Joins Gwen]'' You would go up on the roof. Some of us can't fly, you know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Joins Gwen and Kevin]'' Dude, be supportive. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is not how I expected my day to go. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Still, it's pretty cool to find out about your powers, right? Grandma could teach you to do all that stuff she can do. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'd be gone for a long time, I guess. :'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe forever. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I've always felt like an outsider, like I'm in the wrong place. But then, I think, oh, that's high school for you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll miss you if you go. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, but we've been recruiting more and more Plumber kids, so we'd still have a pretty, powerful team. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh. :'''Ben Tennyson''': When I was trying to decide whether to use my powers again, you told me it was my choice. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, maybe you owe it to yourself to try turning into a cosmic mana master. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin? Do you feel the same way? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. Why would you even think about it? I want you around. The whole thing's lame. :''[Gwen kisses Kevin on the cheek and leaves. As Gwen heads off, Kevin turns to watch her.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Lame! Lame! Lame! ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Destroy? :'''Kevin Levin''': Her body? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Destroy my body? You're not serious. ---- :(''Kevin lifts a boulder ready to smash Verdona with it, but then he pauses'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, I don't know if I could pound your grandma. :'''Spidermonkey''': That's okay. We're teaching her to mind her mana.(''makes monkey-like laugh and Verdona laughs as well'') :'''Verdona''': Good one, Ben. :'''Kevin Levin''': Was not. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': She's drawing mana from millions of living things around her! :'''Kevin Levin''': The grass. ===The Gauntlet=== :'''Cash Murray''': Whoops. Hey, J.T., looks like somebody had an accident. :'''J.T.''': Yeah. Look at that mess Cash. Need me to get you a sippy cup Ben? Or maybe a diaper? (''he and Cash both laugh'') <hr width=50%> :'''J.T.''': Man, he got you good, Cash. You should have seen your face when--when he said... :'''Cash Murray''': Nobody does that to you and me, J.T., ever! Tennyson is gonna pay! I'll get him back, then everybody will be laughing at him! :'''J.T.''': (''looks around; spots Kevin's car'') Hey. It's Kevin's car! :'''Cash Murray''': Yeah? So? :'''J.T.''': (''gets an idea'') So, if it was me, I'd go trash it. Leave Ben for later. You mess up Kevin's car, and everybody'll know you're bad, the baddest in town. They'll be talking about it for years. (''Cash flashes a clever evil smile'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''yelling at Cash and J.T.'') Hey! What did you do to my car?! :'''Cash Murray''': (''tells J.T.'') Grab something! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''puts hand on Kevin's shoulder'') Kevin. :'''Ben Tennyson''': They won't get far. (''turns on Omitrix'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't, Ben! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can fly after them. I'll find them. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then what? Give up your secret? Like you said, they're not worth it. Besides, they can't hide forever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': (''wakes up with eyes glowing red, gets up, turns to J.T.'') I said, it's ''mine.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Knock-knock. (''kicks open the door'') Don't bother hiding. Your weasel friend already told me you were here. :'''Cash Murray''': (''unseen'') Levin? I don't have any beef with you. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's where we differ. You trashed my car. :(''Cash steps out from the shadows, revealing his right arm with alien technology grown over it'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''smiling'') Okay, that's a surprise. :'''Cash Murray''': Pretty cool, huh? I can also do this! (''blasts a hole through the concrete wall'') You were just about to leave, right? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. This is good. This is REALLY good. :'''Cash Murray''': What are you talking about? :'''Kevin Levin''': See, now that you're all jacked up, I don't have to hold back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': You guys thought I was so funny?! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!? :'''Ben Tennyson''': HEY! What is your problem? :'''Cash Murray''': ''You're'' my problem, Tennyson. But now I've got power. And no one can stop me, not even your friend, Kevin. That's right. I kicked Kevin Levin's butt. And you're next, Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not gonna fight you, Cash. :'''Cash Murray''': Well, then, this should be over pretty quick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[lonely]'' Hello? Anybody? Hello? ===Paradox=== :'''Kevin Levin''': You didn't need to come. Gwen and I could've handled this alone. It's nothing really. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It doesn't sound like nothing. Weird noises, unearthly lights, rumors of weird creatures out here. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the dudes I heard it from aren't totally reliable. :'''Gwen Tennsyon''': Isn't that like a big bad boy thing to do? Come out here to the ghost town to drag race. :'''Kevin Levin''': How should I know? I just know them from autoshop. :''[Gwen and Ben spot a graffiti that reads: '''"Kevin Rules!"''']'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max said Los Soledad used to be a big military base back in the 50's; some kind of research facility. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, must've been some serious research. Check out these walls. Fifty years later and there's still no way in. ''[spots the large holes in the walls]'' No way! These weren't here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The creature - it tried to use the pay phone, then it went to the police station, then the dorms. It didn't act like some unfathomable transdimensional creature. It did everything a normal person would do... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': …if they suddenly found themselves in an abandoned military base. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': These films are really corroded. But it looks like this base was built for some kind of time experiment called Project Paradox. :'''Kevin Levin''': Who wouldn't pick the desert outside Bellwood to do top-secret research? :'''Ben Tennyson''': They built it here because of the huge quartz deposits. :'''Kevin Levin''': "Quartz time?" Maybe they were trying to build the world's biggest wristwatch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': His name's been censored. Whoever he was, his paradox theory was the basis of some kind of experimental tunnel through time. :'''Kevin Levin''': Looks like my place after that big party I threw last weekend. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[spots a trail on the ground]'' Look, that thing's been here, too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Only one trail. It either came in here and vanished. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or it was born here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Not so fast, ugly! ''[punches the creature, causing his hand to get wrinkled and turns into an old man]'' :'''Swampfire''': ''[gasps]'' Kevin! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[turning back to human]'' Just touching that thing aged him, 60, 80 years? We've got to get him to a hospital. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What are you doing? Get your hands off me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on Kevin, we're going to get you some help. :'''Old Kevin Levin ''': What do you mean, "help"? I'm gonna kick that thing's keister! ''[his back spine pops as he kicks]'' Oy! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you okay? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': My back is killing me, my legs ache, and what's up with these shoes? Is it too much to ask for a little support? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's like a real irritable, short-tempered, crotchety old man. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Why are you whispering? :'''Ben Tennyson''': In other words, aside from the male-pattern baldness, he's pretty much the same as always. Come on, old man. ''[Old Kevin inserts his car keys into something]'' I'll take those. ''[takes the keys out of his hand]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What do you think you're doing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Driving. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Don't even think about it, you don't have a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max taught me, and it's an emergency. You're nearsighted, arthritic, your reflexes are shot, and you're trying to unlock a cactus. :''[Camera zooms out to reveal that Old Kevin was trying to unlock a cactus instead of his car]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You should've gone out with me when I was young and handsome. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You were too immature. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What about now? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Too old. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[backs up and bumps into some trash cans]'' Whoops! :'''Old Kevin Levin''': It's not a bumper car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trans-dimensional creature touches Kevin's car, causing it to age forward]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': No! No! Not the car! Not the car! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You are never driving my car again! :''[Parts from Kevin's car fall apart]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': True. :'''Professor Paradox''': Where have you been? You were supposed to get here six seconds ago. Or this thing running fast? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you anyway? What are you doing here? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is that creature? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Can you fix my car? :'''Professor Paradox''': There's something different about you. Is it your hair? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm parting it down the middle now, and I also got real old! :'''Professor Paradox''': Don't talk to me about old. I walk in eternity. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Well, you better start running ineternity, smart guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Paradox''': I'll tell you my story in a way that you can understand. With a beginning, middle and end. We'll start in the middle. Los Solidad was built entirely because of my ingenious theory. A time tunnel utilizing properties which I discovered in quartz crystals. Which allows us access past and future events. :'''Kevin Levin''': Well for a genius it looks like you blew it. :'''Professor Paradox''': You don't know the half of it. So some tiny miscalculation on my part destabilized the experiment and ripped a hole in the fabric of reality. I was hurled into the event horizon. I must have spent 100,000 years there. I didn't age, or need to sleep or eat. Just exist. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heh, sounds pretty boring. :'''Professor Paradox''' At first, I went mad of course, but after a few millennia, I got bored with that too, and went sane. Very Sane. I began to learn. I now have total understanding of the space/time continuum, allowing me to travel anywhere and anywhen I want. Within reason of course. ===Be-Knighted=== :'''Squire''': The Dragon escaped. (''the team is shocked'') Ben, we need you to help us. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying you want me to be a part of all this? Be a knight? :'''Squire''': Yes, Ben. Join us in our most noble of causes. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do I get some of that cool armor? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is it with you? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You see a bunch of old swords and axes, and you're ready to jump in and be a knight in shining armor? There's still a lot we don't know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like? :'''Kevin Levin''': Like if there even is a dragon. I mean all they've got for proof are these things... (''tears decor on wall'') Sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben turns into Humungousaur and pushes Connor and Squire to the side of their vehicle'') :'''Humungousaur''': You know where the dragon's headed, don't you? :'''Connor''': ''[laughs]'' If you're trying to scare us, it's going to take a lot more than a stripling with a fancy wristwatch, right? :'''Squire''': Absolutely! We've taken a sacred oath! (''Humungousaur starts growing bigger'') ''[frightened and scared]'' 6200 Prospect Boulevard where the 12 and 408 freeways meet. :'''Humungousaur''': What? :'''Squire''': It's where the dragon's going. :'''Connor''': Squire! :'''Squire''': The Knights found a huge relic the same time they caught the dragon. They didn't know what it was or what it did, so they hid it for safekeeping. They sent the relic to our lab to see if it had any technology they could use against the dragon. When it flew across the Atlantic, we figured it was connected to the relic somehow. (''Humungousaur shrinks and changes back to Ben'') And that's all I know, I swear! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's fine, really. (''gets in Kevin's car and drives off'') :'''Squire''': Wait! I almost forgot, they think the relic's alien. But they haven't figured out what it does yet! :'''Connor''': Pathetic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew I'd seen one of these before. What is it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Galvan Universal Translator -- translates any language into any other, in real time. Pretty common alien tech. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The dragon had something like this near its throat, but it looked busted. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then all we have to do is replace the broken one with this one. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's all, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dragon''': (''after replacing old Galvan Universal Transmitter'') Leave me alone, leave me alone! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can talk. :'''Dragon''': Of course I can talk. Why wouldn't I be able to talk? :'''Spidermonkey''': Well, I-I thought you were a, um... :'''Dragon''': A what? :'''Spidermonkey''': A-a-a... a-a m-monster? :'''Dragon''': Yeah? Well, I thought YOU were a monkey. :'''Spidermonkey''': Oh, I don't really look like THIS. :(''transforms back into Ben'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': See? :'''Dragon''': Sorry. All mammals look alike to me. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's not just you, Ben does sort of favor a monkey. Smells like one too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ok, enough with that. ===Plumber's Helpers=== :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What kind of a hero travels in a bus? :'''Ben Tennyson''': None of us knows how to drive a car and none of us has a license! What do you want me to do? (''pretends to call mom'') Hi, Mom. We need to go fight some aliens. Will you give us a ride? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Okay, whatever. I'm just worried, that's all. :'''Ben Tennyson''': About Kevin? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well yeah, what else? We need to find him before... you know, before something bad happens. Not that I care or anything. I mean come on; how can anyone care about a person who's that rude, and undependable and, and... annoying? It's ridiculous. How could you even say something like that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''confused, shocked, understanding Gwen's feelings for Kevin'') Actually...I didn't say anything. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh! (''Gwen looks away embarrassed'') :(''at Manny and Helen's hideout'') :'''Manny Armstrong''': Are they close? :(''Ben and Gwen arrive'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': Very! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Now give us back our friend! :(''Helen and Manny start shooting at Ben and Gwen, Gwen puts up her shield'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') Friend? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Teammate, co-worker, whatever.... can we talk about this later? :(''Helen noticed the distracted Gwen and Ben, so taking advantage, she shoots a piece of rock, which breaks into three, all falling on Ben's head and shoulders'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! I wasn't the one who... Uh... Uh... Uhhhh (''falls unconscious'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! (''hits Manny and Helen with her shield'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''at the same time regaining consciousness, realizing that Ben and Gwen have come to his rescue'') Looks like my rescuers need rescuing. (''absorbs pocket change'') Guess it'll have to do. ---- :''[Arguing]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': But look at it this way: your human form is probably even uglier. :'''Manny Armstrong''': You wanna go another round? :'''Kevin Levin''': Anytime, pal! :'''Helen Wheels''': (''to Gwen'') Tell your boyfriend to back off. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No you tell yours...whoahoh, he's not my boyfriend! :'''Helen Wheels''': Well, you sure act like it. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't tell me who my boyfriend isn't... is! :'''Manny Armstrong''': Think you're funny? :'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, you're the comedian. At least you got the face for it. :'''Manny Armstrong''': BOY ARE YOU ASKIN' FOR IT?! :'''Kevin Levin''': I'm begging for it! Who's gonna give it to me? :'''Manny Armstrong''': Me! With three hands tied behind my back! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' Hey!! Stop it, all of you! What am I, your babysitter?! :'''Helen Wheels''': (''referring to Pierce'') You sounded just like my brother. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') Really? :'''Helen Wheels''': Pierce was always the one who always kept his ground. ---- :''[After Manny and Helen jump into the projector, the projector turns off.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Points at the projector]'' That is so not gonna go well. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know. On paper, we don't look like such a great team either. :'''Kevin Levin''': There is that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go swipe some of there equipment. ''[Turns around and heads towards the warehouse]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Shocked]'' Kevin! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' So not cool, man! :''[Ben and Gwen follow Kevin towards the warehouse.]'' ===X = Ben + 2=== :''[Mr. Smoothy's: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we please make a decision? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Slurps his smoothy]'' I'm only saying it once. Auto show. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, we're going to the lake. Right, Ben? :'''Ben Tennyson''': We've kind of done the lake, Gwen. :''[Gwen slurps her smoothy indignantly. One Incursian materializes in front of the car, followed by four other Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To the five Incursians]'' I don't suppose you guys wanna go to the auto show? :''[An Incursian points his gun at Ben, Gwen, and Kevin, with the four other incursians following suit.]'' ---- :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are being held at gunpoint by the Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Kevin]'' Kevin? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[To Ben]'' Incursian warriors, packing serious ordinance. :''[Commander Raff materializes.]'' :'''Commander Raff''': Weapons down. Sorry, Kevin, you know Incursians. :'''Kevin Levin''': Raff, how you been? Guys, this is Raff. The number two guy in like 40 star systems. Raff, Gwen Tennyson. :'''Commander Raff''': Tennyson? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, that's him there. ''[To Ben]'' I used to talk about what I'd do to you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Right, back when you were a crook. :'''Kevin Levin''': Entrepreneur. I kept Raff's whole empire in food and sandals. What brings you out this way? :'''Commander Raff''': Sevenseven snatched a little girl in this system and I ''really'' need to find her. You're the only Earth fellow I know. She wore the royal color. Seen anybody like that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Sevenseven? Like that guy Sixsix we used to fight? :'''Commander Raff''': He's the same race as Sixsix, but far more dangerous. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, 11 more dangerous. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': If this was hers and you can teleport, we're practically done. ''[uses her powers to find Princess Attea with the princess's royal piece]'' Got her. She's at Grand Madre Dame. And she's fighting back. <hr width=50%> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[activates Omnitrix]'' Gotta stop that water. ''[scrolls through his aliens, and comes to Alien X]'' Good a time as any to give this one a try. ''[turns into Alien X]'' :'''Alien X''': Alien X! Seconded! Water stopping motion carried! ''[makes a clear circle in the air and it restores everything broken back to normal]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[snapping his fingers in front of Alien X's face]'' Hello? Anybody home in there? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, come on. Sevenseven's getting away with the princess. Ben, are you okay? Ben? :''[Inside Alien X's mind]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is awesome! Quick, how do I make something else happen? :'''Serena''': You are one of three. :'''Belicus''': Weren't you listening? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, whatever. Okay, team Alien X! Let's move! ''[Starts flying away from Serena and Bellicus, but stops when he realizes they aren't doing anything]'' :'''Serena''': We are one of the most powerfull beings in the universe. :'''Belicus''': Because we are the most deliberative. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? You mean the Earth is safe? :'''Belicus''': No. How did you get that? ''[Ben flies back to them]'' :'''Serena''': I am Serena, the voice of love and compassion. :'''Belicus''': And I'm Belicus, the voice of rage and aggression. You're supposed to be the voice of reason! :'''Serena''': Belicus and I have been locked in eternal argument. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, that's great, but the Earth is going to be destroyed any minute! :'''Serena''': ''[Sadly]'' I feel sorrow. Billions of lives will be lost. :'''Belicus''': Nah, they probably had it coming. ''[To Ben]'' Get it, genius? We ''deliberate''. Now you try it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I wanna know what happened to my friends. :'''Serena''': Seconded! :'''Belicus''': Motion carried. ''[A glowing window appears, allowing them to see Gwen and Kevin]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[trying to put Alien X in through the car window]'' Ugh, just bend or something! ''[tries putting him in the trunk]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't just stuff him in the trunk! :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right, he doesn't fit. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious. He hasn't moved since he fixed the dam. Maybe he's hurt, or... :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah, he's warm. Maybe he's resting. ---- :'''Emperor Milleous''': People of Earth, your time is up. Bring me the royal detonator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[begging]'' Don't do it! (''Milleous laughs and presses the button'') No! :''' Emperor Milleous''': Of course not. My daughter's still there. But the conquest ray did fire, now. Put the little pretty one up on the screen now. :(''Pluto is shown on the screen'') :'''Kevin Levin''': That is Pluto. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Pretty? Uh, it's a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''The conquest ray hits Pluto and is destroyed'') :'''Emperor Milleous''': ''Was'' a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''Gwen gasps in shock'') ---- :'''Belicus''': Alien X doesn't do anything until it's put to a vote. We've already cut you slack 'cause you're new. But that's the procedure. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. I ''move'' that you let me use the Omnitrix. :'''Belicus''': Is there a second? (''he and Ben both look at Serena'') Motion defeated. :'''Serena and Belicus''': Good vote. :'''Serena''': You see, until you showed up, Alien X was always in a deadlock. But now we've finally found a tiebreaker. How could we ever let you go? :'''Belicus''': Got that, genius? You're NEVER changing back. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He blew it up. :'''Kevin Levin''': Look at the bright side, this should smooth out Neptune's orbit. :'''Emperor Milleous''': Yes, and Earth will be in smaller pieces if Princess Attea isn't returned to me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''(Yells out)'' That makes no sense! :'''Kevin Levin''': (Whispers into Gwen's ear) Gwen... Evil dictator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Earth can't even communicate with you! :'''Attendant''': ''(In voice message)'' Incoming message from Earth, your violent highness. ''(Emperor Milleous looks at her)'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do I know? ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Serena]'' You're supposed to be love and compassion! How can you let an entire world die?! ''[To Belicus]'' And you're supposed to be anger and aggression! How can you let bad stuff go unpunished?! How can you both be so useless?! :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' Useless?! :'''Serena''': We're the most powerful beings in the universe. We change the very nature of space and time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't DO anything! Billions of lives are at stake and you're all "Oh, the procedure"! ''[Serena sobs]'' :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' '''''NOW''''' look at what you've! All right! I move that we save the Earth! HAPPY?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Determined]'' No! Just let me out of here. I've got nine other guys who can do it better. :'''Serena''': ''[gasps in a heartbroken way]'' That's hurtful! ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, what happened to you back there? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, no way am I ever becoming Alien X again. :'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? When it was working, you kicked massive butt. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. My most powerful transformation ever. But it isn't worth the price. :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin drive away.]'' ==Characters== ===Main=== *Ben Tennyson *Gwen Tennyson *Kevin Levin ===Supporting=== *Maxwell Tennyson ("Max Out") *Verdona Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Frank and Natalie Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Helen and Manny ("Plumbers' Helpers") ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Alien Force}} [[Category:Ben 10: Alien Force seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] m988z3ijzbj8xnst8cpu6iiynleaww3 3155610 3155609 2022-08-17T17:34:20Z 172.58.236.203 /* Plumbers' Helpers */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the first season ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''. ==Season 1 (2008)== ===Ben 10 Returns Part 1=== :''[Ben is sleeping when Gwen returns, causing him to wake up.]'' :'''Gwen''': Well, that's attractive. :'''Ben''': ''[Stands up and wipes his mouth]'' What? I'm awake. What? :'''Gwen''': You needed help? :'''Ben''': I need advice. ''[Holds up the Omnitrix]'' ---- :''[Gwen traps the fish-like alien in a magenta energy rope]'' :'''Ben''': You're getting really good at that stuff. :'''Gwen''': Thanks. :'''Ben''': ''[Threatening the alien in a fishbowl helmet]'' I want some answers right now, otherwise&ndash; :'''Magister Labrid''': Yeah? :'''Ben''': I dunno. I'll overfeed you? :'''Magister Labrid''': Do I look like somebody to joke with? ---- :'''Swampfire''': I forgot how much fun this is. ''[Forever Knights fire at him]'' That tickles! ''[His arm falls off]'' Hey! ''[His arm reattaches back]'' You guys are in so much trouble. ''[Defeats 2 Forever Knights, then Kevin appears]'' :'''Kevin''': Hey, Tennyson! :'''Swampfire''': What do you want? :'''Kevin''': Let's see, you trapped me in the Null Void all these years. :'''Swampfire''': You did that to yourself! :'''Kevin''': And you ruined my deal today. I'm thinking I want revenge. The good news is, since I can absorb anything, ''[Absorbs metal from train track]'' I've got more than enough power to take it. :'''Swampfire''': ''[Shocked at Kevin's new ability]'' That's new! ---- :''[Kevin wakes up to see Swampfire, Gwen, and Labrid standing before him, causing him to glare at them. Swampfire transforms back into Ben. Kevin looks down and sees energy cuffs on his arms. He tries to break free, but is unsuccessful.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': Energy cuffs. You can't escape. Ain't nothing there to absorb. :'''Ben''': ''[To Gwen]'' You still got some of that stuff in your hair. :''[Gwen runs her fingers through the right side of her hair.]'' :'''Kevin''': Other side. :''[Gwen touches the left side of her hair and feels the slime.]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Disgusted by the goop on the left side of her hair]'' Eww! :'''Magister Labrid''': Time we had a talk, tough guy. ''[Opens the bottom of the laser lance to reveal the ether-point energy cell]'' These weapons run on ether-point energy cells. A dangerous technology way too advanced for humans. ''[Closes the bottom of the laser lance]'' They shouldn't even be on this planet. :'''Kevin''': So? How's that my problem? :'''Ben''': While we were fighting, the Forever Knights got away with a crate full of them. :'''Magister Labrid''': You set up the deal. You're going to tell me where they are. :'''Gwen''': ''[Puts her hand on Kevin's shoulder]'' Kevin, people could be hurt. :''[Kevin's face softens at Gwen's words.]'' :'''Magister Labrid''': You're in a lot of trouble, son. I'm giving you a chance to help yourself here. :'''Kevin''': You don't have to convince me. ''[Stands up]'' Those guys ran off before I got paid. I'm happy to help find those deadbeats. ====Ben 10 Returns Part 2==== :''[Ben and Kevin are in Kevin's car. Gwen is floating in front of them with a laser lance spinning around in front of her.]'' :'''Ben''': Are you sure this is going to work? :'''Gwen''': No. I've never done something like this before. But in theory, I should be able to trace the vibrations from this laser lance back to the people who used to own it. :'''Ben''': I thought I destroyed all of those things. :'''Kevin''': I kept one as a souvenir. Lucky, huh? ''[Ben frowns at him]'' :''[The laser lance stops spinning, turns pink, and points in the right direction.]'' :'''Gwen''': Hey, it's working. Follow me! :''[Gwen floats off, with Ben and Kevin following behind.]'' :'''Kevin''': I'll follow you anywhere. :''[The car starts going off-road.]'' :'''Kevin''': ''[Angrily]'' Except there! Come on, Gwen! Paint job! ---- :''[Ben turns into Humungousaur]'' :'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! Yes! (''To the DNAliens'') Guess what time it is? It's hero time! (''Humungousaur battles the DNAliens'') :'''Kevin''': (''referring to Highbreed Commander'') Did he hurt you? :'''Gwen''': No. :'''Kevin''': Well, I'm going to hurt him! (''lifts his metallic fists and gets ready to fight'') :'''Humungousaur''': He's too strong. I'll hold on, you guys get outside. :'''Gwen''': I'm not going to let you fight that thing by yourself! :'''Humungousaur''': No time to argue! Kevin get her out! :'''Kevin''': You heard the man. :'''Gwen''': Let me go! :'''Kevin''': As soon as we're off the ship! ---- :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''to Humungousaur'') You've ruined everything by discovering this location. You've sent our plans back months. Inferior scum, I have to move my ship and find a new hiding place. I'll have to sterilize the area! :'''Humungousaur''': Huh? Sterilize? :'''Highbreed Commander''': Destroy all life within 5 miles of here! No witnesses will live to tell the tale. :'''Humungousaur''': (''angered'') You can't! :'''Highbreed Commander''': (''grabs Humungousaur by the neck'') I can and I will! ===Everybody Talks About the Weather=== :'''Ben''': (''riding in Kevin's car'') Can't this thing go any faster? :'''Kevin''': (''driving through a 25-MPH speed zone'') Yes. :'''Ben ''': We're still going the same speed. :'''Kevin''': It's called the speed limit. Fastest we're going tonight. :'''Ben''': But you said- :'''Kevin''': I said "could," not "would. :'''Ben''': My mom's going to kill me if i'm late getting home again. :'''Kevin''': Huh, if she grounds you, it'll be just me and Gwen. Tough break. :'''Gwen''': You think i'd go with you if Ben wasn't here? :'''Kevin''': Yeah. I got roguish charm. :(''beeping noise'') :'''Gwen''': Phone call for Mr. Rogueish charm. :'''Kevin''': Not me. I don't have a cell. :'''Gwen''': Then it's probably 1 of your many girlfriends. (''Gwen reaches into Kevin's coat pocket and takes out his Plumbers badge'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Grandpa Max doesn't have anything to do with this, does he? :'''Kevin''': Nope. :'''Gwen''': So that badge belongs to the Heatblast guy. Where do you think he got it? :'''Kevin''': He doesn't act like a Plumber. He's probably just a Plumber's kid. :'''Gwen''': Why would a policeman give his son a badge? :'''Kevin''': To keep real Plumbers from arresting them for interplanetary trespass. A badge is better than a passport. :'''Gwen''': I'm not following. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heatblast Jr. is probably part human. Human's with alien ancestors are actually pretty common. Most of them have superpowers. :'''Gwen''': Common? :'''Kevin''': Well, yeah. That's what you are. You get your powers through your grandpa. I thought you knew. :'''Gwen''': (''scoffs'') I get my powers from magic talismans and books. :'''Kevin''': (''laughs'') Yeah right. Magic. ===Kevin's Big Score=== :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''Gwen appears'') He got away. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Whoa! I mean, oh, no! :'''Ben Tennyson''': How could I let my guard down? He's a liar and a thief. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': That was the old Kevin. He's different now. And we're different too. (pulls out handkerchief) I can track him from this. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You kept his sweaty handkerchief? : (''Her eyes glow pink and the handkerchief glows with a pink aura'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Got him! ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now, I know this looks bad. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Bad? Bad?! If you don't get the Rust Bucket back, I'll show you bad! :'''Kevin Levin''': Doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What happens when this is all over and Grandpa comes home? Where's he gonna live then? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Do I have to separate you two? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He stole Grandpa's home. What kind of jerk steals an old man's home? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': One with a good reason. Right? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, this is important. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Important to ''you''. ---- :''[Ben kicks down a pile of tires.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're supposed to be keeping the planet safe from an alien invasion, and we can't keep a motor home from being stolen? :'''Kevin Levin''': Drop it. (''starts to walk away'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''blocking his way'') Don't walk away from me! :'''Kevin Levin''': Is this where you turn into an alien and try to kick my butt? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm considering it. ---- :'''Vulkanus''': Kevin Levin. I can't decide whether to trade with you or tear you to pieces. Remember that counterfeit-isotope scam a few years back? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Sorry about that. :'''Vulkanus''': You left me holding the bag, and at the mercy of the Plumbers. I escaped, but now I'm stuck on Earth swapping level-3 tech to get by, thanks to you. :'''Kevin Levin''': Ancient history. I'm here to make a deal. :'''Vulkanus''': ''[Stands up]'' I have the Plumber gadget you want. ''[Shows Kevin the holo-viewer]'' What do you give me for it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, completely straight, I had this stash of Plumber's technology, but I lost it. :'''Vulkanus''': You want to owe me? :'''Kevin Levin''': Tell me what I have to do to get. :''[Vulkanus holds out his hand, but when Kevin is about to shake it, he grabs his whole arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Huh? :'''Vulkanus''': Kneel. :''[Vulkanus squeezes Kevin's hand hard, causing Kevin to groan in pain. Kevin drops to his knees while holding his hand. A machine rises from the floor. A piece of Taydenite rises from the machine and wraps two appendages around Kevin's hand, slowly pulling him in and forcing him to touch the crystal and absorb it.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': First, you're going to pay me back for the double-cross. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[As his whole body starts turning into Taydenite]'' I can't&ndash; stop&ndash; absorbing! :'''Vulkanus''': Because I don't want you to. You're recursibly absorbing a piece of Taydenite, the rarest most precious living gem in the entire galaxy. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens slide Kevin backwards. Two large cuffs rise from the floor and hold Kevin in place as the crystals on his back start growing.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': This is the only piece of Taydenite in this spiral of the Milky Way. Or it was, until you came along. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[With his face turning into Taydenite]'' You're garbage! :''[As the crystals on his back grow larger, Kevin screams in pain. The Pickaxe Aliens climb on Kevin's back.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You owe me. I'm gonna take it out of your hide, then sell you all piece by piece. :''[The Pickaxe Aliens chip the Taydenite away from Kevin's back. The Taydenite fall into the mine carts.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': And I'm gonna do it forever. :'''Kevin Levin''': Do what you want to me, but Ben Tennyson gets that holo-viewer. :''[Vulkanus laughs, then flicks the holo-viewer away towards the wall.]'' :'''Vulkanus''': You're in a bad position to make demands. ---- :''[Ben gets a message from Max.]'' :'''Max Tennyson''': Ben, if you found this message, you must be in pretty deep. There's a lot I can't reveal yet, but here's one thing I can: You can't go it alone. By now, you're probably meeting some of the other Plumber's kids, but you have to find more. You need to put together a team. ===All That Glitters=== :'''Kevin Levin''': (''referring to Ben'') Think we should be worried about him? He's been watching that thing for hours. (''sips drink; looks at Gwen'') Problem? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why haven't you asked me out? :'''Kevin Levin''': What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You heard me. We spend all of our time together, and you obviously like me. :(''Kevin laughs'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You do. I see you mooning at me when you think I'm not looking. :'''Kevin Levin''': Mooning? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': And I like YOU - most of the time - so I'm asking you again. :'''Kevin Levin''': See? That's the problem. You're asking me. A guy does the asking. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah? When? :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't push me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''mimicking'') "Don't push me." ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Easy does it. I'm not the one you're mad at. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't you think we should get to know him a little more? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What's there to know? He's got the powers, he's got the gear- :'''Kevin Levin''': He's got a sparkly trail when he flies? ---- :'''Michael Morningstar''': (''points at screen'') I patched into the central Plumber's monitoring network. It's connected to everything: a global and interplanetary internet, earth-bound law inforcement frequencies, oh... and of course the badge communicator channel. :'''Kevin Levin''': Communicator channel? :'''Michael Morningstar''': Yeah, you did know the badges were communicators didn't you? ---- :''[Kevin absorbs the doorknob and sticks his finger into the keyhole to pick the lock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is why you changed your mind about Mike going off with Gwen? So we could spy on him? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yep. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, stop! :'''Kevin Levin''': He ain't right, Ben. If you're not gonna check him out, I am. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're doing the wrong thing, Kevin. The old Kevin thing. ''[Grabs Kevin's arm]'' Step away from the door. :'''Kevin Levin''': You really wanna fight me over some new guy? ''[Frees his arm from Ben's grip]'' That's how you're gonna build a team? ''[Opens the door]'' And they said I didn't learn anything in the Null Void. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin&ndash; :''[Trina arrives at the house.]'' :'''Trina''': Is Mike home? :''[Ben and Kevin turn to see Trina walking up to them.]'' :'''Trina''': He hasn't called me back since you and that new girl showed up. :''[Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, Trina, right? Yeah, Morningstar ain't here right now. :''[Trina tilts her head to look at the open door. Ben and Kevin exchange looks, then turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': We're just picking up some stuff for him. :'''Trina''': ''[Comes up the stairs]'' Then you know where he is. Can you take me? :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I mean, he's busy. :'''Trina''': I need to see him. Why won't he see me? :''[Kevin notices marks on Trina's arm.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Where did you get those marks on your arm? :''[Trina shrugs. Ben and Kevin turn away from Trina to keep her from hearing what they were saying.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': I saw those same marks on that zombie girl that tried to tenderize me. :'''Trina''': I just wanna see Mike. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin''': Yeah. I'm getting that. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Call me crazy, but is it possible Morningstar's the one making these girls this way? :''[Trina approaches them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're crazy. :''[Ben and Kevin turn to Trina.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': 'Scuse us. :''[Ben and Kevin turn back to each other.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Look, it didn't really hit me till just now, but Gwen's been wearing her sleeves lower than usual. She was hiding something. :''[Ben looks at the marks on Trina's arms. As Ben turns back to Kevin, Trina walks past them and walks into the house.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying Gwen has marks like that on her arms? :'''Kevin Levin''': I didn't see them for sure, but it makes sense. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come to think of it, Trina was all weak and wobbly when we first saw her on the highway. :''[Kevin nods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen was the same way at the power plant. Gwen might've caught whatever bug is doing this. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. And the bug's name is Mike Morningstar. === Max Out=== :'''Grandpa Max''': I said, "just coffee." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Uh, no. Or let me put it in another way, no. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Kevin, he's my cousin. He was supposed to be home from college two days ago. :'''Kevin Levin''': And you want me to waste my time driving my car looking for your cousin? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I know how it sounds. The police said to wait. I'm sure he's fine, but we just don't know where he is. :'''Kevin Levin''': Daytona Beach, Fort Lauderdale. He's a college student. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. He called from the road and said his car broke down in some town called Santa Mira. We haven't heard anything since. His folks are worried. :'''Kevin Levin''': And I'm supposed to care, why? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because he's my brother. :(''everyone is silent for a moment'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Get in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': What? Ken? Your brother's name is Ken? Gwen and Ken Tennyson? What's your folks' names? Sven and Jen? I'm talking to you, Ben. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yes, our names rhyme and you noticed. Good for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Welcome to Santa Mira. :'''Kevin Levin''': For a guy who's so cool, he sure picked a lame spot to have spring break. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ken IS totally cool. And he didn't pick where the awesome-mobile broke down. :'''Kevin Levin''': The "Awesome-mobile"? :'''Ben Tennyson''': His car... I told you he's cool. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''sarcastic'') Oh yeah, who could doubt it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I say, we hit the garages in town. Find Ken's car, and Ken. :'''Kevin Levin''': Good idea. I mean, how many garages can this whole support? Five -- five garages. One-horse town, five garages? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Five garages so far. And if the Awesome-mobile isn't in this one, we'll have to keep... ''[spots Ken's car]'' bingo. :'''Kevin Levin''': You found a bingo game? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I found his car. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's the Awesome-mobile? That thing makes the Rust Bucket look like a Ferrari! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (Grabs DNAlien with her magic beam) Tell us who tied you up, now! :'''DNAlien''': (scared) Max Tennyson. He wanted to find some kid. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where is he? :'''DNAlien''': (referring to Grandpa Max) I don't know. He cuffed me and left me here. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not him. He can take care of himself. The kid. Where is my brother? :'''DNAlien''': H-hatchery. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': No, but without the focusing lens, this thing will do a pretty good imitation of a hand grenade. I figured it would take out half a mile. :'''Highbreed Commander''': You wouldn't dare! You would be destroyed, and your offspring. :'''Grandpa Max''': Gwen, throw an energy field around you and your boys and... be a good girl. (smiles at Gwen) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (terrified) Grandpa Max, no please! :'''Grandpa Max''': Sorry Ben, it's the only way to make sure they can't do to the rest of the world what they did to Ken. You'll have to take it from here. I know you can do it! I believe in you... in all of you. (winks) :'''Ben Tennyson''': (yells) Grandpa, NOOOOO! (Grandpa Max presses the button and everything blows up; Gwen covers the team with an energy dome) :'''Kevin Levin''': That was, pretty hardcore. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hey, he saved the whole world. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, he did. For now, but I don't think those things are giving up anytime soon! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you saying? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm saying that it's up for someone to protect this planet. And like it or not... I think it's up to us. ===Pier Pressure=== :''[At Ben's house]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Great. My hair looks stupid, my shirt is wrinkled, and I have a zit the size of Kansas. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah? That's one big zit alright. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ah! How did you get in here?! :'''Kevin Levin''': The usual way. Incidentally, you may wanna fix that hole I punched in your back door before your mother sees it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You couldn't knock? :'''Kevin Levin''': I sorta did. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Has anyone told you you're a strange and dangerous person? :'''Kevin Levin''': Constantly...but enough about me. Gwen says that you need a favor. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Uh, yeah. See, I wanna go to the pier tonight with Julie. :'''Kevin Levin''': I bet you do. :'''Ben Tennyson''': And, since I don't have a car, :'''Kevin Levin''': Or a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Or a license. I was wondering if you could give us a ride. :'''Kevin Levin''': OK. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No jokes, no insults, no blackmail? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wow, thanks. Wait. you're gonna wait til we're in the car and you're gonna make my life miserable, aren't you? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Smiles, then slams door]'' Knobs broken. ---- :'''Kevin Levin''': Now remember, Benny Boy, your mother and I want you home by ten o'clock sharp or you can't go to the disco. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Disco? :'''Ben Tennyson''': He watches a lot of reruns. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Give him a break, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Gosh, pumpkin, what do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know exactly what I mean. At least when Ben likes a girl, he lets her know. He asks her out. Maturity. Isn't that a novel approach? :'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's got a girlfriend! Ben's got a girlfriend! (laughs) ---- :''[Ben is walking when he bumps into the cotton candy vendor.]'' :'''Cotton Candy Vendor''': Kid, you and me got a date with my insurance adjuster. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Date? ''[Remembers his date with Julie]'' Aah! ''[Takes the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy, then gives the vendor his money]'' Look, here's my allowance. It's all I've got. ''[Runs off]'' ---- :''[Julie is on the phone with someone.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': And then he ran off, and I've been&ndash; ''[Notices Ben running towards her with the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Wait, he's coming back. Later. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry. You would not believe the line. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben, there's nobody here. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Um, except at the concession stand, where they're doing huge business. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I thought you'd stood me up. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Julie, I'd never, ever do that to you. ''[Holds out the blue cotton candy and pink cotton candy]'' Look, I got pink and blue. Your pick. :''[Julie takes the pink cotton candy from Ben. Ben takes a bite out of the blue cotton candy and shows Julie his blue teeth while smiling at her. Julie laughs.]'' ---- :''[Jetray flies to where Ship has taken Julie.]'' :'''Jetray''': What have you done with Julie? :''[Julie comes out from behind Ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I'm here. And how do you know my name? :''[Jetray flies down and lands. Julie cowers.]'' :'''Jetray''': Julie, don't be scared. It's me. It's&ndash; Ben. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': You're a monster? ''[Approaches Jetray]'' :'''Jetray''': No. Well, yes. Actually, I'm, like, ten monsters. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Cool. :''[Jetray transforms back into Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Cool? ---- :'''Baz-El''': Yes, well as I was saying, before I lost consciousness I exuded this symbiote. The one you call 'Ship' — thank you — and sent it off to find the nearest Plumber. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Because your sink is clogged? :'''Humungousaur''': No, the Plumbers are intergalactic police officers. (''Julie gives him a weird look'') ...I'll explain later. And that's why it came after me. :'''Baz-El''': Well, of course. Didn't you receive its distress signal? :'''Humungousaur''': You mean...the beeping? :'''Baz-El''': ...Yes, that beeping. (''narrows eye'') Don't you know how that works?! :'''Humungousaur''': Not so much, no. :'''Baz-El''': Really. Aren't you a Plumber? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I thought you were. :'''Baz-El''': (''muttering'') I'm going to spend the rest of my life here. (''exasperated'') Look is there anyone else I can talk with?! ---- :''[Ben and Julie reattach the antenna to the ship.]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': There. Now it's on tight. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I, uh&ndash; I guess this is probably the worst date you've ever had, huh? :'''Julie Yamamoto''': No, not the worst. Just different. And being different is fine. :''[Ben and Julie smile at each other.]'' ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, what about this thing? (referring to Ship) Doesn’t he blorp back into your body or something? :'''Baz-l''': "Blorp." That’s not how it works. ===What Are Little Girls Made Of?=== :''[Nightime: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': This is crazy. She didn't show yesterday and she's not gonna show tonight. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Humor me. :''[Kevin sighs in annoyance. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. He turns to see Kevin glaring at him. Ben opens his mouth as if to say something, but turns away. Ben pushes the lock and unlock button again.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Annoyed]'' Do I look like I'm kidding, Tennyson? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Annoyed]'' You guys! I have to find a bathroom. :'''Kevin Levin''': Lots of trees around. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Real debonair, Kevin. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets out of Kevin's car]'' There's a gas station a couple miles back. :'''Kevin Levin''': I'll drive you. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No. Keep watch. I'll be right back. ''[Closes the door and walks away]'' :''[Ben and Kevin continue sitting in the car. Ben repeatedly pushes the lock and unlock button on the door. Kevin gets so enraged that he grabs Ben and get ready to attack him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Points at Verdona approaching the tree]'' Look. :''[Kevin turns to see Verdona approaching the tree.]'' ---- :'''Verdona''': (''talking to Gwen'') Did you say Max was your grandfather? ''[Hugs Gwen]'' Kiddo! :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Um, he was my grandpa, too. :'''Verdona:''' Really? Ooh. Can you project pure energy like your sister? :'''Ben Tennyson:''' Cousin and no. :'''Verdona:''' Shame. Gwendolyn, I'm Verdona. We'll talk again soon. :'''Ben: Tennyson''': I think we just met our grandmother. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Dad, we need to talk. :'''Frank Tennyson''': In your room? I'm honored! When was the last time you let me in here? :'''Gwen:''' I've been keeping a big secret from you: [[w:Magic (paranormal)|Magic powers]]. :'''Frank Tennyson''': (''sarcastically'') So you're what, some kind of wizard in training? Come on, Gwen. There's no such thing. :'''Gwen:''' But, there's more. You ready? :(''Closes the drawer with her spellbooks in it, with a stream of bright pink glowing energy'') :'''Frank Tennyson:''' That's a big secret. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I met Grandma Verdona today. :'''Frank Tennyson''': I was afraid this day might come, but you never showed any signs of having [[w:list of superhuman features and abilities in fiction|powers]]. Your mother and I thought we were in the clear. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Magic runs in the family? I knew it. :'''Frank Tennyson''': Honey, there really is no such thing as magic. Your grandma's an alien. ---- :''[Gwen is sitting on the roof.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Joins Gwen]'' You would go up on the roof. Some of us can't fly, you know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Joins Gwen and Kevin]'' Dude, be supportive. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': This is not how I expected my day to go. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Still, it's pretty cool to find out about your powers, right? Grandma could teach you to do all that stuff she can do. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'd be gone for a long time, I guess. :'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe forever. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I've always felt like an outsider, like I'm in the wrong place. But then, I think, oh, that's high school for you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We'll miss you if you go. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure, but we've been recruiting more and more Plumber kids, so we'd still have a pretty, powerful team. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh. :'''Ben Tennyson''': When I was trying to decide whether to use my powers again, you told me it was my choice. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, maybe you owe it to yourself to try turning into a cosmic mana master. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin? Do you feel the same way? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. Why would you even think about it? I want you around. The whole thing's lame. :''[Gwen kisses Kevin on the cheek and leaves. As Gwen heads off, Kevin turns to watch her.]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Lame! Lame! Lame! ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Destroy? :'''Kevin Levin''': Her body? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Destroy my body? You're not serious. ---- :(''Kevin lifts a boulder ready to smash Verdona with it, but then he pauses'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, I don't know if I could pound your grandma. :'''Spidermonkey''': That's okay. We're teaching her to mind her mana.(''makes monkey-like laugh and Verdona laughs as well'') :'''Verdona''': Good one, Ben. :'''Kevin Levin''': Was not. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': She's drawing mana from millions of living things around her! :'''Kevin Levin''': The grass. ===The Gauntlet=== :'''Cash Murray''': Whoops. Hey, J.T., looks like somebody had an accident. :'''J.T.''': Yeah. Look at that mess Cash. Need me to get you a sippy cup Ben? Or maybe a diaper? (''he and Cash both laugh'') <hr width=50%> :'''J.T.''': Man, he got you good, Cash. You should have seen your face when--when he said... :'''Cash Murray''': Nobody does that to you and me, J.T., ever! Tennyson is gonna pay! I'll get him back, then everybody will be laughing at him! :'''J.T.''': (''looks around; spots Kevin's car'') Hey. It's Kevin's car! :'''Cash Murray''': Yeah? So? :'''J.T.''': (''gets an idea'') So, if it was me, I'd go trash it. Leave Ben for later. You mess up Kevin's car, and everybody'll know you're bad, the baddest in town. They'll be talking about it for years. (''Cash flashes a clever evil smile'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''yelling at Cash and J.T.'') Hey! What did you do to my car?! :'''Cash Murray''': (''tells J.T.'') Grab something! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''puts hand on Kevin's shoulder'') Kevin. :'''Ben Tennyson''': They won't get far. (''turns on Omitrix'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't, Ben! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can fly after them. I'll find them. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then what? Give up your secret? Like you said, they're not worth it. Besides, they can't hide forever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': (''wakes up with eyes glowing red, gets up, turns to J.T.'') I said, it's ''mine.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Knock-knock. (''kicks open the door'') Don't bother hiding. Your weasel friend already told me you were here. :'''Cash Murray''': (''unseen'') Levin? I don't have any beef with you. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's where we differ. You trashed my car. :(''Cash steps out from the shadows, revealing his right arm with alien technology grown over it'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''smiling'') Okay, that's a surprise. :'''Cash Murray''': Pretty cool, huh? I can also do this! (''blasts a hole through the concrete wall'') You were just about to leave, right? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. This is good. This is REALLY good. :'''Cash Murray''': What are you talking about? :'''Kevin Levin''': See, now that you're all jacked up, I don't have to hold back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cash Murray''': You guys thought I was so funny?! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!? :'''Ben Tennyson''': HEY! What is your problem? :'''Cash Murray''': ''You're'' my problem, Tennyson. But now I've got power. And no one can stop me, not even your friend, Kevin. That's right. I kicked Kevin Levin's butt. And you're next, Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not gonna fight you, Cash. :'''Cash Murray''': Well, then, this should be over pretty quick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[lonely]'' Hello? Anybody? Hello? ===Paradox=== :'''Kevin Levin''': You didn't need to come. Gwen and I could've handled this alone. It's nothing really. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It doesn't sound like nothing. Weird noises, unearthly lights, rumors of weird creatures out here. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, the dudes I heard it from aren't totally reliable. :'''Gwen Tennsyon''': Isn't that like a big bad boy thing to do? Come out here to the ghost town to drag race. :'''Kevin Levin''': How should I know? I just know them from autoshop. :''[Gwen and Ben spot a graffiti that reads: '''"Kevin Rules!"''']'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max said Los Soledad used to be a big military base back in the 50's; some kind of research facility. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, must've been some serious research. Check out these walls. Fifty years later and there's still no way in. ''[spots the large holes in the walls]'' No way! These weren't here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The creature - it tried to use the pay phone, then it went to the police station, then the dorms. It didn't act like some unfathomable transdimensional creature. It did everything a normal person would do... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': …if they suddenly found themselves in an abandoned military base. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': These films are really corroded. But it looks like this base was built for some kind of time experiment called Project Paradox. :'''Kevin Levin''': Who wouldn't pick the desert outside Bellwood to do top-secret research? :'''Ben Tennyson''': They built it here because of the huge quartz deposits. :'''Kevin Levin''': "Quartz time?" Maybe they were trying to build the world's biggest wristwatch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': His name's been censored. Whoever he was, his paradox theory was the basis of some kind of experimental tunnel through time. :'''Kevin Levin''': Looks like my place after that big party I threw last weekend. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[spots a trail on the ground]'' Look, that thing's been here, too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Only one trail. It either came in here and vanished. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Or it was born here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Not so fast, ugly! ''[punches the creature, causing his hand to get wrinkled and turns into an old man]'' :'''Swampfire''': ''[gasps]'' Kevin! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[turning back to human]'' Just touching that thing aged him, 60, 80 years? We've got to get him to a hospital. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What are you doing? Get your hands off me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Come on Kevin, we're going to get you some help. :'''Old Kevin Levin ''': What do you mean, "help"? I'm gonna kick that thing's keister! ''[his back spine pops as he kicks]'' Oy! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you okay? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': My back is killing me, my legs ache, and what's up with these shoes? Is it too much to ask for a little support? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's like a real irritable, short-tempered, crotchety old man. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Why are you whispering? :'''Ben Tennyson''': In other words, aside from the male-pattern baldness, he's pretty much the same as always. Come on, old man. ''[Old Kevin inserts his car keys into something]'' I'll take those. ''[takes the keys out of his hand]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What do you think you're doing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Driving. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Don't even think about it, you don't have a license. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa Max taught me, and it's an emergency. You're nearsighted, arthritic, your reflexes are shot, and you're trying to unlock a cactus. :''[Camera zooms out to reveal that Old Kevin was trying to unlock a cactus instead of his car]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You should've gone out with me when I was young and handsome. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You were too immature. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': What about now? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Too old. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[backs up and bumps into some trash cans]'' Whoops! :'''Old Kevin Levin''': It's not a bumper car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trans-dimensional creature touches Kevin's car, causing it to age forward]'' :'''Old Kevin Levin''': No! No! Not the car! Not the car! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Kevin Levin''': You are never driving my car again! :''[Parts from Kevin's car fall apart]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': True. :'''Professor Paradox''': Where have you been? You were supposed to get here six seconds ago. Or this thing running fast? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Who are you anyway? What are you doing here? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is that creature? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Can you fix my car? :'''Professor Paradox''': There's something different about you. Is it your hair? :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm parting it down the middle now, and I also got real old! :'''Professor Paradox''': Don't talk to me about old. I walk in eternity. :'''Old Kevin Levin''': Well, you better start running ineternity, smart guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Paradox''': I'll tell you my story in a way that you can understand. With a beginning, middle and end. We'll start in the middle. Los Solidad was built entirely because of my ingenious theory. A time tunnel utilizing properties which I discovered in quartz crystals. Which allows us access past and future events. :'''Kevin Levin''': Well for a genius it looks like you blew it. :'''Professor Paradox''': You don't know the half of it. So some tiny miscalculation on my part destabilized the experiment and ripped a hole in the fabric of reality. I was hurled into the event horizon. I must have spent 100,000 years there. I didn't age, or need to sleep or eat. Just exist. :'''Kevin Levin''': Heh, sounds pretty boring. :'''Professor Paradox''' At first, I went mad of course, but after a few millennia, I got bored with that too, and went sane. Very Sane. I began to learn. I now have total understanding of the space/time continuum, allowing me to travel anywhere and anywhen I want. Within reason of course. ===Be-Knighted=== :'''Squire''': The Dragon escaped. (''the team is shocked'') Ben, we need you to help us. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're saying you want me to be a part of all this? Be a knight? :'''Squire''': Yes, Ben. Join us in our most noble of causes. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do I get some of that cool armor? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What is it with you? :'''Ben Tennyson''': What do you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You see a bunch of old swords and axes, and you're ready to jump in and be a knight in shining armor? There's still a lot we don't know. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like? :'''Kevin Levin''': Like if there even is a dragon. I mean all they've got for proof are these things... (''tears decor on wall'') Sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben turns into Humungousaur and pushes Connor and Squire to the side of their vehicle'') :'''Humungousaur''': You know where the dragon's headed, don't you? :'''Connor''': ''[laughs]'' If you're trying to scare us, it's going to take a lot more than a stripling with a fancy wristwatch, right? :'''Squire''': Absolutely! We've taken a sacred oath! (''Humungousaur starts growing bigger'') ''[frightened and scared]'' 6200 Prospect Boulevard where the 12 and 408 freeways meet. :'''Humungousaur''': What? :'''Squire''': It's where the dragon's going. :'''Connor''': Squire! :'''Squire''': The Knights found a huge relic the same time they caught the dragon. They didn't know what it was or what it did, so they hid it for safekeeping. They sent the relic to our lab to see if it had any technology they could use against the dragon. When it flew across the Atlantic, we figured it was connected to the relic somehow. (''Humungousaur shrinks and changes back to Ben'') And that's all I know, I swear! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's fine, really. (''gets in Kevin's car and drives off'') :'''Squire''': Wait! I almost forgot, they think the relic's alien. But they haven't figured out what it does yet! :'''Connor''': Pathetic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew I'd seen one of these before. What is it? :'''Kevin Levin''': Galvan Universal Translator -- translates any language into any other, in real time. Pretty common alien tech. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The dragon had something like this near its throat, but it looked busted. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then all we have to do is replace the broken one with this one. :'''Kevin Levin''': That's all, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dragon''': (''after replacing old Galvan Universal Transmitter'') Leave me alone, leave me alone! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can talk. :'''Dragon''': Of course I can talk. Why wouldn't I be able to talk? :'''Spidermonkey''': Well, I-I thought you were a, um... :'''Dragon''': A what? :'''Spidermonkey''': A-a-a... a-a m-monster? :'''Dragon''': Yeah? Well, I thought YOU were a monkey. :'''Spidermonkey''': Oh, I don't really look like THIS. :(''transforms back into Ben'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': See? :'''Dragon''': Sorry. All mammals look alike to me. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's not just you, Ben does sort of favor a monkey. Smells like one too. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ok, enough with that. ===Plumbers' Helpers=== :'''Gwen''': What kind of a hero travels in a bus? :'''Ben''': None of us knows how to drive a car and none of us has a license! What do you want me to do? (''pretends to call his mother'') Hi, Mom. We need to go fight some aliens. Will you give us a ride? :'''Gwen''': Okay whatever. I'm just worried that's all. :'''Ben''': About Kevin? :'''Gwen''': Well yeah, what else? We need to find him before... you know before something bad happens. Not that I care or anything. I mean come on; how can anyone care about a person who's that rude, and undependable and, and... annoying? It's ridiculous. How could you even say something like that? :'''Ben''': (''confused, shocked, understanding Gwen's feelings for Kevin'') Actually... I didn't say anything. :'''Gwen''': Oh! (''Gwen looks away embarrassed'') :(''at Manny and Helen's hideout'') :'''Manny''': Are they close? :(''Ben and Gwen arrive'') :'''Ben''': Very! :'''Gwen''': Now give us back our friend! :(''Helen and Manny start shooting at Ben and Gwen. Gwen then puts up her shield'') :'''Ben''': (''sarcastically'') Friend? :'''Gwen''': Teammate, co-worker, whatever.... can we talk about this later? :(''Helen noticed the distracted Gwen and Ben so taking advantage, she shoots a piece of rock, which breaks into three, all falling on Ben's head and shoulders'') :'''Ben''': Hey! I wasn't the one who... Uh... Uh... Uhhhh (''falls unconscious'') :'''Gwen''': Ben! (''hits Manny and Helen with her shield'') :'''Kevin''': (''at the same time regaining consciousness, realizing that Ben and Gwen have come to his rescue'') Looks like my rescuers need rescuing. (''absorbs pocket change'') Guess it'll have to do. (''breaks free from the shield bubble'') ---- :''[Arguing]'' :'''Kevin''': But look at it this way. Your human form is probably even uglier. :'''Manny''': You wanna go another round? :'''Kevin''': Anytime, pal! :'''Helen''': (''to Gwen'') Tell your boyfriend to back off. :'''Gwen''': No you tell yours...whoahoh he's not my boyfriend! :'''Helen''': Well, you sure act like it. :'''Gwen''': Don't tell me who my boyfriend isn't... is! :'''Manny''': Think you're funny? :'''Kevin''': Hey you're the comedian. At least you got the face for it. :'''Manny''': BOY ARE YOU ASKIN' FOR IT?! :'''Kevin''': I'm begging for it! Who's gonna give it to me? :'''Manny ''': Me! With three hands tied behind my back! :'''Ben''': ''[Angrily]'' Hey!! Stop it, all of you! What am I, your babysitter?! :'''Helen''': (''referring to Pierce'') You sounded just like my brother. :'''Gwen''': (''sarcastically'') Really? :'''Helen''': Pierce was always the one who always kept his ground. ---- :''[After Manny and Helen jump into the projector, the projector turns off.]'' :'''Kevin''': ''[Points at the projector]'' That is so not gonna go well. :'''Ben''': I don't know. On paper, we don't look like such a great team either. :'''Kevin''': There is that. Now if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go swipe some of there equipment. ''[Turns around and heads towards the warehouse]'' :'''Gwen''': ''[Shocked]'' Kevin! :'''Ben''': ''[Angrily]'' So not cool man! :''[Ben and Gwen follow Kevin towards the warehouse.]'' ===X = Ben + 2=== :''[Mr. Smoothy's: Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's car.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Can we please make a decision? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[Slurps his smoothy]'' I'm only saying it once. Auto show. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, we're going to the lake. Right, Ben? :'''Ben Tennyson''': We've kind of done the lake, Gwen. :''[Gwen slurps her smoothy indignantly. One Incursian materializes in front of the car, followed by four other Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To the five Incursians]'' I don't suppose you guys wanna go to the auto show? :''[An Incursian points his gun at Ben, Gwen, and Kevin, with the four other incursians following suit.]'' ---- :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin are being held at gunpoint by the Incursians.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Kevin]'' Kevin? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[To Ben]'' Incursian warriors, packing serious ordinance. :''[Commander Raff materializes.]'' :'''Commander Raff''': Weapons down. Sorry, Kevin, you know Incursians. :'''Kevin Levin''': Raff, how you been? Guys, this is Raff. The number two guy in like 40 star systems. Raff, Gwen Tennyson. :'''Commander Raff''': Tennyson? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, that's him there. ''[To Ben]'' I used to talk about what I'd do to you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Right, back when you were a crook. :'''Kevin Levin''': Entrepreneur. I kept Raff's whole empire in food and sandals. What brings you out this way? :'''Commander Raff''': Sevenseven snatched a little girl in this system and I ''really'' need to find her. You're the only Earth fellow I know. She wore the royal color. Seen anybody like that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. Sevenseven? Like that guy Sixsix we used to fight? :'''Commander Raff''': He's the same race as Sixsix, but far more dangerous. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah, 11 more dangerous. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': If this was hers and you can teleport, we're practically done. ''[uses her powers to find Princess Attea with the princess's royal piece]'' Got her. She's at Grand Madre Dame. And she's fighting back. <hr width=50%> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[activates Omnitrix]'' Gotta stop that water. ''[scrolls through his aliens, and comes to Alien X]'' Good a time as any to give this one a try. ''[turns into Alien X]'' :'''Alien X''': Alien X! Seconded! Water stopping motion carried! ''[makes a clear circle in the air and it restores everything broken back to normal]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[snapping his fingers in front of Alien X's face]'' Hello? Anybody home in there? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, come on. Sevenseven's getting away with the princess. Ben, are you okay? Ben? :''[Inside Alien X's mind]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is awesome! Quick, how do I make something else happen? :'''Serena''': You are one of three. :'''Belicus''': Weren't you listening? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, whatever. Okay, team Alien X! Let's move! ''[Starts flying away from Serena and Bellicus, but stops when he realizes they aren't doing anything]'' :'''Serena''': We are one of the most powerfull beings in the universe. :'''Belicus''': Because we are the most deliberative. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? You mean the Earth is safe? :'''Belicus''': No. How did you get that? ''[Ben flies back to them]'' :'''Serena''': I am Serena, the voice of love and compassion. :'''Belicus''': And I'm Belicus, the voice of rage and aggression. You're supposed to be the voice of reason! :'''Serena''': Belicus and I have been locked in eternal argument. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, that's great, but the Earth is going to be destroyed any minute! :'''Serena''': ''[Sadly]'' I feel sorrow. Billions of lives will be lost. :'''Belicus''': Nah, they probably had it coming. ''[To Ben]'' Get it, genius? We ''deliberate''. Now you try it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I wanna know what happened to my friends. :'''Serena''': Seconded! :'''Belicus''': Motion carried. ''[A glowing window appears, allowing them to see Gwen and Kevin]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[trying to put Alien X in through the car window]'' Ugh, just bend or something! ''[tries putting him in the trunk]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't just stuff him in the trunk! :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right, he doesn't fit. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm serious. He hasn't moved since he fixed the dam. Maybe he's hurt, or... :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah, he's warm. Maybe he's resting. ---- :'''Emperor Milleous''': People of Earth, your time is up. Bring me the royal detonator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[begging]'' Don't do it! (''Milleous laughs and presses the button'') No! :''' Emperor Milleous''': Of course not. My daughter's still there. But the conquest ray did fire, now. Put the little pretty one up on the screen now. :(''Pluto is shown on the screen'') :'''Kevin Levin''': That is Pluto. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Pretty? Uh, it's a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''The conquest ray hits Pluto and is destroyed'') :'''Emperor Milleous''': ''Was'' a barren, frozen wasteland. :(''Gwen gasps in shock'') ---- :'''Belicus''': Alien X doesn't do anything until it's put to a vote. We've already cut you slack 'cause you're new. But that's the procedure. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. I ''move'' that you let me use the Omnitrix. :'''Belicus''': Is there a second? (''he and Ben both look at Serena'') Motion defeated. :'''Serena and Belicus''': Good vote. :'''Serena''': You see, until you showed up, Alien X was always in a deadlock. But now we've finally found a tiebreaker. How could we ever let you go? :'''Belicus''': Got that, genius? You're NEVER changing back. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He blew it up. :'''Kevin Levin''': Look at the bright side, this should smooth out Neptune's orbit. :'''Emperor Milleous''': Yes, and Earth will be in smaller pieces if Princess Attea isn't returned to me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''(Yells out)'' That makes no sense! :'''Kevin Levin''': (Whispers into Gwen's ear) Gwen... Evil dictator. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Earth can't even communicate with you! :'''Attendant''': ''(In voice message)'' Incoming message from Earth, your violent highness. ''(Emperor Milleous looks at her)'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do I know? ---- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[To Serena]'' You're supposed to be love and compassion! How can you let an entire world die?! ''[To Belicus]'' And you're supposed to be anger and aggression! How can you let bad stuff go unpunished?! How can you both be so useless?! :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' Useless?! :'''Serena''': We're the most powerful beings in the universe. We change the very nature of space and time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't DO anything! Billions of lives are at stake and you're all "Oh, the procedure"! ''[Serena sobs]'' :'''Belicus''': ''[Outraged]'' '''''NOW''''' look at what you've! All right! I move that we save the Earth! HAPPY?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Determined]'' No! Just let me out of here. I've got nine other guys who can do it better. :'''Serena''': ''[gasps in a heartbroken way]'' That's hurtful! ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, what happened to you back there? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, no way am I ever becoming Alien X again. :'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? When it was working, you kicked massive butt. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. My most powerful transformation ever. But it isn't worth the price. :''[Ben, Gwen, and Kevin drive away.]'' ==Characters== ===Main=== *Ben Tennyson *Gwen Tennyson *Kevin Levin ===Supporting=== *Maxwell Tennyson ("Max Out") *Verdona Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Frank and Natalie Tennyson ("What Are Little Girls Made of?") *Helen and Manny ("Plumbers' Helpers") ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Alien Force}} [[Category:Ben 10: Alien Force seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] c0l1l6udov4ziam85nde8ff2lasd266 0 193136 3155590 3064331 2022-08-17T14:42:00Z Ferien 3078302 prod wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ----{{dated prod|concern = No quotes|month = August|day = 17|year = 2022|time = 14:42|timestamp = 20220817144200}} <!-- Do not use the "dated prod" template directly; the above line is generated by "subst:prod|reason" --> '''''[[w:Eye of the Cat|Eye of the Cat]]''''' is a [[w:1969 in film|1969 film]] about a man and his girlfriend who plan to rob the mansion of his wealthy aunt, but he is deathly afraid of her many cats. :''Directed by [[w:David Lowell Rich|David Lowell Rich]]. Written by [[w:Joseph Stefano|Joseph Stefano]].'' {{center|'''Terror that takes you beyond any fear you've ever known!'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Taglines == * Terror that takes you beyond any fear you've ever known! * Terror that tears the screams right out of your throat! == Cast == * [[w:Michael Sarrazin|Michael Sarrazin]] — Wylie * [[w:Gayle Hunnicutt|Gayle Hunnicutt]] — Kassia Lancaster * [[w:Eleanor Parker|Eleanor Parker]] — Aunt Danny * Tim Henry — Luke * [[w:Laurence Naismith|Laurence Naismith]] — Dr. Mills == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0064310|title=Eye of the Cat}} [[Category:1969 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Natural horror films]] [[Category:Films about cats]] {{film-stub}} 65lebqnto8nphxxb6zx54u937m5iog6 3155595 3155590 2022-08-17T14:53:36Z Ferien 3078302 nvm I misread wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Eye of the Cat|Eye of the Cat]]''''' is a [[w:1969 in film|1969 film]] about a man and his girlfriend who plan to rob the mansion of his wealthy aunt, but he is deathly afraid of her many cats. :''Directed by [[w:David Lowell Rich|David Lowell Rich]]. Written by [[w:Joseph Stefano|Joseph Stefano]].'' {{center|'''Terror that takes you beyond any fear you've ever known!'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Taglines == * Terror that takes you beyond any fear you've ever known! * Terror that tears the screams right out of your throat! == Cast == * [[w:Michael Sarrazin|Michael Sarrazin]] — Wylie * [[w:Gayle Hunnicutt|Gayle Hunnicutt]] — Kassia Lancaster * [[w:Eleanor Parker|Eleanor Parker]] — Aunt Danny * Tim Henry — Luke * [[w:Laurence Naismith|Laurence Naismith]] — Dr. Mills == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0064310|title=Eye of the Cat}} [[Category:1969 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Natural horror films]] [[Category:Films about cats]] {{film-stub}} enfaa8ijsv6qk81cg198bmj44a2zyql 0 195531 3155570 3155494 2022-08-17T12:14:20Z 69.119.146.76 /* One Journey Ends, Another Begins... */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]] ---- <br/> This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Sun and Moon, the twentieth season of the Pokémon animated series (ポケットモンスター Poketto Monsutā?, Pocket Monsters), covering the adventures of series protagonist Ash Ketchum as he travels to Alola and meets new friends. ==Alola To New Adventure!== ==The Guardian's Challenge!== :''[Lillie gets scared of Mallow's Bounsweet]'' :'''Mallow''': It's such a shame. You know so much about Pokémon, but you can't touch them. :'''Lillie''': I can too touch them. I've theorised it's only a matter of if I want to touch them or not. ==Loading the Dex!== ==First Catch in Alola, Ketchum-style!== :'''Rotom Dex''': ''[touching Toucannon's beak]'' What's this?! It's not hot at all! That's strange. :''[Toucannon gets angry as its beak gets hotter, and Rotom Dex runs in a frenzy after getting burned.]'' ==Yo, Ho, Ho! Go, Popplio!== ==A Shocking Grocery Run!== ==That's Why the Litten is a Scamp!== ==Lillie's Egg-xhilarating Challenge!== :'''Samson Oak''': ''[to Ash and co.]'' Be like an excited "Psyduck" ''[imitating Psyduck]'' and go for the "Golduck"! ''[imitating Golduck]'' ==To Top a Totem!== ==Trial and Tribulation!== :''[Kukui is reading the morning newspaper, until...]'' :'''Professor Kukui''': Hey, yesterday's news made the paper! :'''Rotom Dex''': May I see it too? ''[starts reading it]'' The surprise actions of a young boy named Ash Ketchum in cooperation with Kahuna Hala were an eye opening sight. He obtained help with Totem Pokemon, Gumshoos, and its allies by battling in a trial successfully drove off the [Alolan] Rattata and [Alolan] Raticate, who have been causing trouble over the city. It is further noted Ash will receive an accommodations certificate from Officer Jenny. <hr width=50%> :''[Officer Jenny drops Ash and Kukui off at Hala's place, but has to leave for police work]'' :'''Rotom Dex''': But if you leave, you'll miss the Grand Trial. :'''Officer Jenny''': Since I'm on duty, I'm afraid I must. I know Melemele Island is peaceful, but police work keeps me busy. <hr width=50%> :''[Before the battle begins...]'' :'''Professor Kukui''': Alright Ash, one thing before your Grand Trial begins. Do you know the correct poses to use the Normal-type Z-move? :'''Ash''': I sure do! We've practiced until its second nature. Right Pikachu? :'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! [Indeed!] <hr width=50%> :''[A warning on using Z-moves]'' :'''Professor Kukui''': When you use a Z-move, both you and your Pokemon expend a large amount of energy. So in a way, you Pikachu and Rowlet are now, your Z-move should be quite a bit tiring. :'''Ash''': The important thing is when I use it. Is that right? ''[In other words, time the Z-move correctly or prepare to lose the match]'' :'''Professor Kukui''': Exactly, Ash. We are ready to go, Hala! <hr width=50%> :''[Rowlet is snoozing after defeating Crabrawler. Granted, it was worn out but still...]'' :'''Ash''': Rowlet, wake up! You're battling! :'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Come on Rowlet!] <hr width=50%> :''[With Ash's first Grand Trial win and Electrium-Z Crystal...]'' :'''Hala''': Professor Kukui. :'''Professor Kukui''': Hala. :'''Hala''': Would it be alright if I host the celebration? I'm pleased Ash has passed his first Grand trial and it would give me great pleasure to throw a big party for him! :'''Professor Kukui''': Of course, you may! What an honor! I can't thank you enough! :'''Hala''': Since it's all decided, I must get started with preparations. :'''Ash''': Kahuna Hala? :'''Hala''': What would you like, young Ash? :'''Ash''': My friends from the Pokemon school come too. You see, without them, I wouldn't have gotten a Z-Crystal in the first place. So would that be alright with you? :'''Hala''': A very good idea. Yes, invite them all right away! ==Young Kiawe Had a Farm!== ==The Sun, the Scare, the Secret Lair!== :'''Meowth''': ''[to James]'' Mareanie says you're quite a catch! ==Racing to a Big Event!== ==Getting to Know You!== ==Rocking Clawmark Hill!== ==They Might Not Be Giants!== ==Crystal-Clear Sleuthing!== :'''Kiawe''': I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD LOSE A PRECIOUS Z-CRYSTAL! :'''Ash''': S-Sorry Kiawe! :'''Kiawe''': SORRY ISN’T ENOUGH!! USE INFERNO OVERDRIVE! :'''Kiawe''': YOU WHAT?! YOU LOST THE PRECIOUS Z-CRYSTAL THAT TAPU KOKO GAVE YOU?!! ASH, HOW COULD YOU?!!! :'''Ash''': YES, I DID!! :'''Kiawe''': COME BACK HERE, ASH! COME HERE! :'''Sophocles''': Yup, Ash is on borrowed time. :'''Mallow, Lillie, and Lana''': Um-hm. :'''Kiawe''': INFERNO OVERDRIVE!!!! :'''Rotom dex''': Hold it right there! :'''Kiawe''': So the culprit... is ROTOM!!! :'''Sophocles''': You know what? Rotom is on borrowed time. :'''Kiawe''': ROTOOOM!!! DON’T YOU GET AWAY FROM ME! ==A Seasoned Search!== ==A Guardian Rematch!== :''[Ash has used his Rockruff to defeat Hiorki's Mudbray. Both Ash and Hiroki shake hands]'' :'''Hiroki''': That move was incredible! Nice battle! :'''Ash''': Do it again, sometime? :'''Hiroki''': Yeah! ==Partner Promises!== ==One Journey Ends, Another Begins...== :'''Litten''': ''[meows repeatedly, calling out for Stoutland, who has vanished]'' :'''Ash''': Litten... :'''Rotom Pokédex''': Professor, where's Stoutland? :'''Kukui''': ''[in grief]'' I'm sorry... ==A Shivering Shovel Search!== ==Getting the Band Back Together!== ==Alolan Open House!== ==A Team-on-Team Tussle!== ==So Long, Sophocles!== ==A Glaring Rivalry!== ==Pulling Out the Pokémon Base Pepper== '''Samson Oak:''' Back when you were little and playing Pokémon base [impersonates Ludicolo] "Ludi-solo"! ==Lulled to La-La Land!== ==The Ol' Raise and Switch== ==The Island Whisperer!== ==Treasure Hunt, Akala Style!== ==Big Sky, Small Fry!== ==A Crowning Moment of Truth!== ==Currying Favor and Flavor!== ==Trials and Determinations!== ==Rising from the Ruins!== ==Mimikyu Unmasked== ==Mallow and the Forest Teacher!== ==Balloons, Brionne, and Belligerence!== ==Mounting an Electrifying Charge!== ==Alola, Kanto!== :''[Misty grabs Brock's ear after seeing him flirt with a flight attendant. Nice to see you again, Misty!]'' :'''Misty''': Alright, I come all the way to pick you up at the airport and this is the thanks I get?! :'''Ash''': Ha! Misty! :'''Misty''': ''[releases her grip and waves to Ash]'' Hey Ash! How have you been doing? <hr width=50%> :''[Muk hugs Ash]'' :'''Ash''': Muk, it's great to see you again. ''[Muk continues smothering Ash. Don't suffocate your trainer, Muk!]'' <hr width=50%> :''[As the original trio search for Lana's Popplio]'' :'''Ash''': Misty, you sure haven't changed a bit. :'''Brock''': Brings back memories. I mean, how the three of us used to travel together ''[throughout Kanto and Johto]''. We did lots of things and had lots of fun. :'''Misty''': Although, not everything was fun. :'''Ash''': I enjoyed every moment of our journey. :'''Misty''': I'm a little jealous of how carefree you are. ''[Remember, Misty had to resume duties at her Cerulean Gym at the end of Johto, while Brock stopped travelling with Ash at the end of Sinnoh, as he plans on becoming a Pokemon doctor. It is nice that we get to see Ash's original companions after years of their absence, not counting flashbacks or fantasy sequences.]'' ==When Regions Collide!== :'''Misty''': The Cerulean Gym has the Cascade Badge. :'''Brock''': And this badge is proof of victory at the Pewter Gym, the Boulder Badge. :''[The class all stares in awe]'' :'''Lillie''': Pretty, huh? :'''Lana''': Yeah... :'''Kiawe''': ''[to Ash]'' You won all the badges from the Kanto region, didn't you, Ash? :'''Ash''': Sure did! You can win eight Badges and I won them all. :'''Misty''': In my case, I gave him my badge out of pity! ''[Actually, Misty's sisters gave him the badge for stopping Team Rocket from stealing the Cerulean Gym Pokémon]'' :'''Brock''': Say, that story has a familiar ring. ''[Brock gave Ash the badge despite Ash forfeiting his match due to not wanting to win through cheating]'' :'''Kiawe''': Hey Ash, what's that supposed to mean? :'''Ash''': ''[nervously laughing before backing off]'' And after you collected all eight badges, you can compete in the Pokémon League! ''[This is hinted that Ash did not seem proud of earning these badges out of pity nor what he was like in the past]'' [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] rque6qda5r3bgnb18t00gvfj49l2zti 0 196656 3155650 3154444 2022-08-17T21:55:24Z 2600:1007:B01E:16E8:9977:A9F0:8253:D695 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} '''''[[w:Where the Wild Things Are (film)|Where the Wild Things Are]]''''' (in 188 minutes release on Signature Edition on September 4, 2026) is a 2009 American-Australian-German [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] directed by [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]]. Written by Jonze and [[w:Dave Eggers|Dave Eggers]], it is adapted from [[Maurice Sendak]]'s 1963 [[w:Where the Wild Things Are|children's book of the same name]]. It combines live-action, [[w:Suitmation|performers in costumes]], [[w:animatronics|animatronics]], and [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-generated imagery]] (CGI). The film centers on a lonely eight-year-old boy named Max who sails away to an island inhabited by creatures known as the "Wild Things," who declare Max their king. {{center|'''There's one in all of us.'''}} {{film-stub}} ==Max== * Let the wild rumpus start! ==Dialogue== :'''Max''': Did you make this? :'''Carol''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Max''': It's very good. :'''Carol''': We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore. :'''Max''': Yeah. :'''Carol''': Well it was like that. <hr width="60%"/> :''[Max drags a chair to the counter. He sniffs the food in the kitchen. His mom takes the oven mitt off to tell him to be quiet.]'' :'''Connie''': Hey, shh. :''[Max sits on the chair.]'' :'''Max''': Mom, what is that? :'''Connie''': Pâté. :''[Picks up frozen corn]'' :'''Max''': Frozen corn? What's wrong with real corn? :'''Connie''': Frozen corn is real. All right, now get off the chair, please. And go tell your sister to clear her stuff off the table. :'''Max''': ''[Max shout real loud]'' CLAIRE, GET YOUR STUFF OFF THE DINING ROOM TABLE! :'''Connie''': Max, don't ever pull that now. [Max stands on the countertop.] Max, get off the counter, please. Get off. I have a friend here. You're embarrassing me. :'''Max''': NO, WOMAN, FEED ME! ''[Connie covers her eyes and sighs in disappointment]'' :'''Connie''': Max, get off the co--get-g-get off the counter. ''[impatiently, in an angry tone.]'' Get off the dang counter, Max, now. Now! :'''Max''': I'LL EAT YOU UP!! :'''Connie''': ''[shouts]'' GET DOWN! ''[Max snarls]'' Get off from there! ''[Max steps off the counter and runs to the front door. Connie chases him and Adrian is on the couch, who notices.]'' Stop! :'''Adrian''': Hey. :'''Connie''': Get over here! ''[She grabs Max, who starts poundin' his fists on her wrists.]'' What is WRONG with you?! This is not acceptable behavior! :'''Max''': YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE!! :'''Connie''': No dinner for you, Max!? Go to your room!? ''[Max bites her on the shoulder.]'' OW!! ''[Mom drops Max, who falls to the floor. She holds onto her shoulder in pain.]'' :'''Max''': ''[tearfully]'' NO MORE GO TO YOUR ROOM!! :'''Connie''': Max! You bit me! THAT HURTS!! ''[Adrian walks up to Mom]'' :'''Adrian''': Connie, he can't treat you like that. Connie calm down. ''[Connie is embarrassingly furious.]'' :'''Connie''': No, Adrian, go back to sit in the couch! My Claire was never waste! Max, what is WRONG with you?! You're out of control!! :'''Max''': ''[Tearfully, Max gets up and screams and runs out the door]'' '''''IT'S NOT MY FAAAAULT!!!!!!''''' <hr width="60%"/> :'''Ira''': Oh my god, it's KW. :'''Alexander''': Oh, hi KW. :'''Douglas''': KW, it's good to see you. <hr width="60%"/> :'''Douglas''': Coral, that was my favorite arm?! ==Taglines== * There's one in all of us. * Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing. * Let the wild rumpus start! * I could eat you up, I love you so. ==Cast== * [[w:Max Records|Max Records]] as Max. * [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] as Connie. * [[Mark Ruffalo]] as Adrian. * [[w:Pepita Emmerichs|Pepita Emmerichs]] as Claire. * Steve Mouzakis as Max's teacher. * Max Pfeifer, Madeleine Greaves, Joshua Jay and Ryan Corr as Claire's friends. ===Voices=== * [[w:James Gandolfini|James Gandolfini]] as Carol. * [[w:Lauren Ambrose|Lauren Ambrose]] as K.W. * [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] as Douglas. * [[Forest Whitaker]] as Ira. * [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] as Judith. * [[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Alexander. * [[w:Michael Berry Jr.|Michael Berry Jr.]] as Bernard the Bull. * [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]] as Bob and Terry. ===Suit performers=== * Vincent Crowley as Carol. * Alice Parkinson as K.W. * John Leary as Douglas. * Sam Longley as Ira. * Nick Farnell as Judith. * Sonny Gerasimowicz as Alexander. * [[w:Angus Sampson|Angus Sampson]] as Bernard the Bull. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Where the Wild Things Are (film)}} * {{IMDb title|0386117|Where the Wild Things Are}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|where_the_wild_things_are|Where the Wild Things Are}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:Australian films]] [[Category:German films]] [[Category:American children's adventure films]] [[Category:American children's drama films]] [[Category:American children's fantasy films]] [[Category:Films featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Monster films]] [[Category:Films about owls]] [[Category:Films directed by Spike Jonze]] [[Category:Magic realism films]] si5o3zko5r3633b4m92y9g4h8finrdl 3155651 3155650 2022-08-17T21:56:38Z 2600:1007:B01E:16E8:9977:A9F0:8253:D695 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} '''''[[w:Where the Wild Things Are (film)|Where the Wild Things Are]]''''' (in 188 minutes release on Signature Edition on September 4, 2026) is a 2009 American-Australian-German [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] directed by [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]]. Written by Jonze and [[w:Dave Eggers|Dave Eggers]], it is adapted from [[Maurice Sendak]]'s 1963 [[w:Where the Wild Things Are|children's book of the same name]]. It combines live-action, [[w:Suitmation|performers in costumes]], [[w:animatronics|animatronics]], and [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-generated imagery]] (CGI). The film centers on a lonely eight-year-old boy named Max who sails away to an island inhabited by creatures known as the "Wild Things," who declare Max their king. {{center|'''There's one in all of us.'''}} {{film-stub}} ==Max== * Let the wild rumpus start! ==Dialogue== :'''Max''': Did you make this? :'''Carol''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Max''': It's very good. :'''Carol''': We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore. :'''Max''': Yeah. :'''Carol''': Well it was like that. <hr width="60%"/> :''[Max drags a chair to the counter. He sniffs the food in the kitchen. His mom takes the oven mitt off to tell him to be quiet.]'' :'''Connie''': Hey, shh. :''[Max sits on the chair.]'' :'''Max''': Mom, what is that? :'''Connie''': Pâté. :''[Picks up frozen corn]'' :'''Max''': Frozen corn? What's wrong with real corn? :'''Connie''': Frozen corn is real. All right, now get off the chair, please. And go tell your sister to clear her stuff off the table. :'''Max''': ''[Max shout real loud]'' CLAIRE, GET YOUR STUFF OFF THE DINING ROOM TABLE! :'''Connie''': Max, don't ever pull that now. [Max stands on the countertop.] Max, get off the counter, please. Get off. I have a friend here. You're embarrassing me. :'''Max''': NO, WOMAN, FEED ME! ''[Connie covers her eyes and sighs in disappointment]'' :'''Connie''': Max, get off the co--get-g-get off the counter. ''[impatiently, in an angry tone.]'' Get off the dang counter, Max, now. Now! :'''Max''': I'LL EAT YOU UP!! :'''Connie''': ''[shouts]'' GET DOWN! ''[Max snarls]'' Get off from there! ''[Max steps off the counter and runs to the front door. Connie chases him and Adrian is on the couch, who notices.]'' Stop! :'''Adrian''': Hey. :'''Connie''': Get over here! ''[She grabs Max, who starts poundin' his fists on her wrists.]'' What is WRONG with you?! This is not acceptable behavior! :'''Max''': YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE!! :'''Connie''': No dinner for you, Max!? Go to your room!? ''[Max bites her on the shoulder.]'' OW!! ''[Mom drops Max, who falls to the floor. She holds onto her shoulder in pain.]'' :'''Max''': ''[tearfully]'' NO MORE GO TO YOUR ROOM!! :'''Connie''': Max! You bit me! THAT HURTS!! ''[Adrian walks up to Mom]'' :'''Adrian''': Connie, he can't treat you like that. Connie calm down. ''[Connie is embarrassingly furious.]'' :'''Connie''': No, Adrian, go back to sit in the couch! My Claire was never waste! Max, what is WRONG with you?! You're out of control!! :'''Max''': ''[Tearfully, Max gets up and screams and runs out the door]'' '''''IT'S NOT MY FAAAAULT!!!!!!''''' <hr width="60%"/> :'''Ira''': Oh my god, it's KW. :'''Alexander''': Oh, hi KW. :'''Douglas''': KW, it's good to see you. <hr width="60%"/> :'''Douglas''': Coral, that was my favorite arm?! ==Taglines== * There's one in all of us. * Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing. * Let the wild rumpus start! * I could eat you up, I love you so. ==Cast== * [[w:Max Records|Max Records]] as Max. * [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] as Connie. * [[Mark Ruffalo]] as Adrian. * [[w:Pepita Emmerichs|Pepita Emmerichs]] as Claire. * Steve Mouzakis as Max's teacher. * Max Pfeifer, Madeleine Greaves, Joshua Jay and Ryan Corr as Claire's friends. ===Voices=== * [[w:James Gandolfini|James Gandolfini]] as Carol. * [[w:Lauren Ambrose|Lauren Ambrose]] as K.W. * [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] as Douglas. * [[Forest Whitaker]] as Ira. * [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] as Judith. * [[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Alexander. * [[w:Michael Berry Jr.|Michael Berry Jr.]] as Bernard the Bull. * [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]] as Bob and Terry. ===Suit performers=== * Vincent Crowley as Carol. * Alice Parkinson as K.W. * John Leary as Douglas. * Sam Longley as Ira. * Nick Farnell as Judith. * Sonny Gerasimowicz as Alexander. * [[w:Angus Sampson|Angus Sampson]] as Bernard the Bull. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Where the Wild Things Are (film)}} * {{IMDb title|0386117|Where the Wild Things Are}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|where_the_wild_things_are|Where the Wild Things Are}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:2012 films]] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:Australian films]] [[Category:German films]] [[Category:American children's adventure films]] [[Category:American children's drama films]] [[Category:American children's fantasy films]] [[Category:Films featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Monster films]] [[Category:Films about owls]] [[Category:Films directed by Spike Jonze]] [[Category:Magic realism films]] 5wqslficx9z2j6ep4ke4eep0ojhzu96 3155742 3155651 2022-08-18T02:52:00Z Bszabo15 1085757 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} '''''[[w:Where the Wild Things Are (film)|Where the Wild Things Are]]''''' is a 2009 American-Australian-German [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] directed by [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]]. Written by Jonze and [[w:Dave Eggers|Dave Eggers]], it is adapted from [[Maurice Sendak]]'s 1963 [[w:Where the Wild Things Are|children's book of the same name]]. It combines live-action, [[w:Suitmation|performers in costumes]], [[w:animatronics|animatronics]], and [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-generated imagery]] (CGI). The film centers on a lonely eight-year-old boy named Max who sails away to an island inhabited by creatures known as the "Wild Things," who declare Max their king. {{center|'''There's one in all of us.'''}} {{film-stub}} ==Max== * Let the wild rumpus start! ==Dialogue== :'''Max''': Did you make this? :'''Carol''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Max''': It's very good. :'''Carol''': We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore. :'''Max''': Yeah. :'''Carol''': Well it was like that. <hr width="60%"/> :''[Max drags a chair to the counter. He sniffs the food in the kitchen. His mom takes the oven mitt off to tell him to be quiet.]'' :'''Connie''': Hey, shh. :''[Max sits on the chair.]'' :'''Max''': Mom, what is that? :'''Connie''': Pâté. :''[Picks up frozen corn]'' :'''Max''': Frozen corn? What's wrong with real corn? :'''Connie''': Frozen corn is real. All right, now get off the chair, please. And go tell your sister to clear her stuff off the table. :'''Max''': ''[Max shout real loud]'' CLAIRE, GET YOUR STUFF OFF THE DINING ROOM TABLE! :'''Connie''': Max, don't ever pull that now. [Max stands on the countertop.] Max, get off the counter, please. Get off. I have a friend here. You're embarrassing me. :'''Max''': NO, WOMAN, FEED ME! ''[Connie covers her eyes and sighs in disappointment]'' :'''Connie''': Max, get off the co--get-g-get off the counter. ''[impatiently, in an angry tone.]'' Get off the dang counter, Max, now. Now! :'''Max''': I'LL EAT YOU UP!! :'''Connie''': ''[shouts]'' GET DOWN! ''[Max snarls]'' Get off from there! ''[Max steps off the counter and runs to the front door. Connie chases him and Adrian is on the couch, who notices.]'' Stop! :'''Adrian''': Hey. :'''Connie''': Get over here! ''[She grabs Max, who starts poundin' his fists on her wrists.]'' What is WRONG with you?! This is not acceptable behavior! :'''Max''': YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE!! :'''Connie''': No dinner for you, Max!? Go to your room!? ''[Max bites her on the shoulder.]'' OW!! ''[Mom drops Max, who falls to the floor. She holds onto her shoulder in pain.]'' :'''Max''': ''[tearfully]'' NO MORE GO TO YOUR ROOM!! :'''Connie''': Max! You bit me! THAT HURTS!! ''[Adrian walks up to Mom]'' :'''Adrian''': Connie, he can't treat you like that. Connie calm down. ''[Connie is embarrassingly furious.]'' :'''Connie''': No, Adrian, go back to sit in the couch! My Claire was never waste! Max, what is WRONG with you?! You're out of control!! :'''Max''': ''[Tearfully, Max gets up and screams and runs out the door]'' '''''IT'S NOT MY FAAAAULT!!!!!!''''' <hr width="60%"/> :'''Ira''': Oh my god, it's KW. :'''Alexander''': Oh, hi KW. :'''Douglas''': KW, it's good to see you. <hr width="60%"/> :'''Douglas''': Coral, that was my favorite arm?! ==Taglines== * There's one in all of us. * Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing. * Let the wild rumpus start! * I could eat you up, I love you so. ==Cast== * [[w:Max Records|Max Records]] as Max. * [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] as Connie. * [[Mark Ruffalo]] as Adrian. * [[w:Pepita Emmerichs|Pepita Emmerichs]] as Claire. * Steve Mouzakis as Max's teacher. * Max Pfeifer, Madeleine Greaves, Joshua Jay and Ryan Corr as Claire's friends. ===Voices=== * [[w:James Gandolfini|James Gandolfini]] as Carol. * [[w:Lauren Ambrose|Lauren Ambrose]] as K.W. * [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] as Douglas. * [[Forest Whitaker]] as Ira. * [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] as Judith. * [[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Alexander. * [[w:Michael Berry Jr.|Michael Berry Jr.]] as Bernard the Bull. * [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]] as Bob and Terry. ===Suit performers=== * Vincent Crowley as Carol. * Alice Parkinson as K.W. * John Leary as Douglas. * Sam Longley as Ira. * Nick Farnell as Judith. * Sonny Gerasimowicz as Alexander. * [[w:Angus Sampson|Angus Sampson]] as Bernard the Bull. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Where the Wild Things Are (film)}} * {{IMDb title|0386117|Where the Wild Things Are}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|where_the_wild_things_are|Where the Wild Things Are}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:Australian films]] [[Category:German films]] [[Category:American children's adventure films]] [[Category:American children's drama films]] [[Category:American children's fantasy films]] [[Category:Films featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Monster films]] [[Category:Films about owls]] [[Category:Films directed by Spike Jonze]] [[Category:Magic realism films]] kv8ui43wqz1xyydpgze5zmh09sk0esz 0 197277 3155582 3148602 2022-08-17T14:06:38Z 213.100.221.182 he was never a british citizen, by the way he now resides in japan wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:PewDiePie at PAX 2015 crop.jpg|right|thumb|200px|But calling me a [[fascist]], how is that [[help|helping]] anyone?]] '''[[w:Felix Kjellberg|Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg]]''' (born on 24 October 1989), better known by his online pseudonym '''PewDiePie''', is a [[w:Swedes|Swedish]] YouTuber, web-based comedian, rapper, songwriter, and video producer. He is known for his [[w:Let's Play (video gaming)|Let's Play]] commentaries and [[w:Video blog|vlogs]] on [[w:YouTube|YouTube]]. He is also currently the most subscribed independent channel on YouTube. {{comedian-stub}} == Quotes == === Channel description === * I make videos. ===2016=== ====I WON AN AWARD==== (Felix gets 18th place on a top 100 most handsome faces of 2016) *"OOOH!! 18!... 18!... 18, n***a!!" ===2017=== ====My Response (February)==== * It's because, apparently, [[w:Neo-Nazi|Neo-Nazi]] groups have been referencing me, have been praising me, for making these kinds of jokes and I was unaware of this, so I made a statement, as soon as I found out about this, saying, 'I do not support these hateful groups in any way,' but that's never going to be the title. That doesn't fit their personal agenda. That's not the story they want. This is not an article. This was a [[personal]] attack against me, It is so clear. * Again, it's fine to not agree with someone's sense of humour, '''but calling me a [[w:fascist|fascist]], how is that helping anyone?''' * I want to give the... ''[laughs]'' the warmest thanks, to everybody who supported me. It's been incredible. ''[gives two thumbs up]'' Thank you everybody in the YouTube community. Hey it means a lot, thank you, thank you. '''''[Sarcastically]''''' Now, the most appropriate way to end this, I think, is the tenth thing, the tenth secret Nazi thing that went right past [[w:Wall Street Journal|Wall Street Journal]]. I can't believe they didn't notice it. ''[kisses fist]'' Our secret Nazi salute, the [[w:Fist bump|bro-fist]]. ''[sends fist towards the camera]'' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrnJAy-rfyA My Response] (16 February 2017) ====PUBG Livestream==== *"What a f****** n****r, jeez, oh my god, what the fuck?, what a f****** a**hole... sorry, but what the f***?" ====My Response (September)==== * Hello, I wanted to make a statement on what I said in my previous livestream. You probably won't believe me when I say this, but whenever I go online and I hear other players use the same kind of language that I did, I always find it extremely immature and stupid, and I hate how I now personally fed into that part of [[Video games|gaming]] as well. It was something that I said in the heat of the moment. I said the worst [[W:Nigger|word]] I could possibly [[think]] of, and it just sort of slipped out, and I'm not going to make any excuses to why it did, because there are no excuses for it. *I'm disappointed in myself because it seems like I've learned nothing from all these [[past]] controversies, and it's not that I think I can say or do whatever I want and get away with it; that's not it at all! I'm just an [[idiot]], but that doesn't make what I said, or how I said it, okay. It was not okay. I'm really sorry if I offended, hurt, or disappointed anyone with all of this. *Being in the position I am, I should know better. I know I can't keep messing up like this, and I owe it to my audience and to myself to do better than this, because I know I'm better than this. I really want to improve myself and better myself, not just for me, but for anyone that looks up to me or anyone that's influenced by me, and that's how I want to move forward away from this. That's all I had to say. Thank you for watching. Bye. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLdxuaxaQwc My Response] (12 September 2017) ====Let's Play of [[Life is Strange]]==== * If [[John Lennon]]'s so [[smart]] then why is he [[dead]]? ===2018=== *"MEME REVIEW" *"Stop atack, eh, atack... atackonizing me!" ====RIP LIL TAY==== * But when you gotta flex, you gotta keep flexing. You know what I'm saying? Please feel free to quote me on that at any given point. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF_naHpa-T4 RIP LIL TAY] (5 June 2018) ==== DON'T StART YOUTUBE BEFORE WATCHING THIS ==== * Once your fans start noticing that your channel isn't doing as well as it used to be, they are quick to point out why: It is you. "It is not because I got tired of your content - it is because of you - you've changed man!" ** 24 July 2018 ====ONLY REAL GAMERS CAN WATCH THIS==== * Okay, Grandpa. I don't care about your Vietnam stories! Have you ever tried going into Molten Core with only four healers? * Together, us gamers are strong. For too long we have been oppressed by all these groups; everyone is against us, but we are the toughest, most hard-working, most vigilant, most powerful group on the Internet! If we all together will rise up, we can defeat anything! We can take over the world! We can create the gaming utopia that we all wanted to live in! Cars are not cars - they are carmers; houses are not houses - they are gaming studios; roads are not roads - they are [[w:Candy Crush|Candy Crush]] displays. Imagine it, just think of how good things would really be! Think about how bad we are now because we haven't risen up yet! The more we wait, the harder it will get, but now it is time for gamers to rise together! ** 25 July 2018 ====NINJA RESPECTS ALL WOMANS==== * Just like [[w:Twitter|Twitter]] said themselves, unless [[w:Alex Jones|Alex]] preaches ideas that goes against Twitter's community guidelines or rules, then he shouldn't be banned from Twitter. I found it almost dumbfounding how people will disagree with this statement. * I've seen the argument saying, 'Well, these are private companies, [[w:Apple|Apple]], [[w:Spotify|Spotify]], [[w:YouTube|YouTube]], and whatever. They have the right to ban whoever they want. They can set their own rules. They should just make up rules to get rid of [[w:Alex Jones|Alex Jones]].' It seems pretty fair, right? Their playground, their rules. I also, kind of disagree. I think that social media has grown so big that it's become an extension of your voice, that if you are not on social media, and you are taken off of social media in a way that isn't really specified why, then it can be seen as a way of censorship. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv8UnA_1Os8 NINJA RESPECTS ALL WOMANS] (15 August 2018) ===2019=== *"Negligib... neglibij... Negligibible" ====PewDiePie's Tuber Simulator==== *What!? You've never played TUBER SIMULATOR ?!!?! You know it's fun, right? Now I'm not supposed to give my opinion, but give it a try , and THEN you can tell me if it's good or not. Not convinced yet? Okay, I'll cut you a deal. The game is available for FREE, and that's a GREAT price! **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV843iXV2EM Pewdiepies tuber simulator ad] (12 July 2019) == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{commons category|PewDiePie|PewDiePie)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Kjellberg, Felix}} [[Category:Actors from Sweden]] [[Category:Comedians]] [[Category:Video artists]] [[Category:Internet personalities]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Producers]] [[Category:Agnostics]] [[Category:People from Gothenburg]] [[Category:1989 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:YouTubers]] b9l615dds55qe94ix3lxg26gc8r6noq 3155583 3155582 2022-08-17T14:11:14Z 213.100.221.182 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:PewDiePie at PAX 2015 crop.jpg|right|thumb|200px|But calling me a [[fascist]], how is that [[help|helping]] anyone?]] '''[[w:Felix Kjellberg|Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg]]''' (born on 24 October 1989), better known by his online pseudonym '''PewDiePie''', is a [[w:Swedes|Swedish]] YouTuber, web-based comedian, rapper, songwriter, and video producer. He is known for his [[w:Let's Play (video gaming)|Let's Play]] commentaries and [[w:Video blog|vlogs]] on [[w:YouTube|YouTube]]. He is also currently the most subscribed independent channel on YouTube. {{comedian-stub}} == Quotes == === Channel description === * I make videos. ===2015=== ====depression.wmv (polybridge)==== * Maybe you wanna quit when things fail but you can't just fail when things quit. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3A7C4uVK3w depression.wmv (polybridge)] (15 August 2017) ===2016=== ====I WON AN AWARD==== (Felix gets 18th place on a top 100 most handsome faces of 2016) *"OOOH!! 18!... 18!... 18, n***a!!" ===2017=== ====My Response (February)==== * It's because, apparently, [[w:Neo-Nazi|Neo-Nazi]] groups have been referencing me, have been praising me, for making these kinds of jokes and I was unaware of this, so I made a statement, as soon as I found out about this, saying, 'I do not support these hateful groups in any way,' but that's never going to be the title. That doesn't fit their personal agenda. That's not the story they want. This is not an article. This was a [[personal]] attack against me, It is so clear. * Again, it's fine to not agree with someone's sense of humour, '''but calling me a [[w:fascist|fascist]], how is that helping anyone?''' * I want to give the... ''[laughs]'' the warmest thanks, to everybody who supported me. It's been incredible. ''[gives two thumbs up]'' Thank you everybody in the YouTube community. Hey it means a lot, thank you, thank you. '''''[Sarcastically]''''' Now, the most appropriate way to end this, I think, is the tenth thing, the tenth secret Nazi thing that went right past [[w:Wall Street Journal|Wall Street Journal]]. I can't believe they didn't notice it. ''[kisses fist]'' Our secret Nazi salute, the [[w:Fist bump|bro-fist]]. ''[sends fist towards the camera]'' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrnJAy-rfyA My Response] (16 February 2017) ====PUBG Livestream==== *"What a f****** n****r, jeez, oh my god, what the fuck?, what a f****** a**hole... sorry, but what the f***?" ====My Response (September)==== * Hello, I wanted to make a statement on what I said in my previous livestream. You probably won't believe me when I say this, but whenever I go online and I hear other players use the same kind of language that I did, I always find it extremely immature and stupid, and I hate how I now personally fed into that part of [[Video games|gaming]] as well. It was something that I said in the heat of the moment. I said the worst [[W:Nigger|word]] I could possibly [[think]] of, and it just sort of slipped out, and I'm not going to make any excuses to why it did, because there are no excuses for it. *I'm disappointed in myself because it seems like I've learned nothing from all these [[past]] controversies, and it's not that I think I can say or do whatever I want and get away with it; that's not it at all! I'm just an [[idiot]], but that doesn't make what I said, or how I said it, okay. It was not okay. I'm really sorry if I offended, hurt, or disappointed anyone with all of this. *Being in the position I am, I should know better. I know I can't keep messing up like this, and I owe it to my audience and to myself to do better than this, because I know I'm better than this. I really want to improve myself and better myself, not just for me, but for anyone that looks up to me or anyone that's influenced by me, and that's how I want to move forward away from this. That's all I had to say. Thank you for watching. Bye. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLdxuaxaQwc My Response] (12 September 2017) ====Let's Play of [[Life is Strange]]==== * If [[John Lennon]]'s so [[smart]] then why is he [[dead]]? ===2018=== *"MEME REVIEW" *"Stop atack, eh, atack... atackonizing me!" ====RIP LIL TAY==== * But when you gotta flex, you gotta keep flexing. You know what I'm saying? Please feel free to quote me on that at any given point. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF_naHpa-T4 RIP LIL TAY] (5 June 2018) ==== DON'T StART YOUTUBE BEFORE WATCHING THIS ==== * Once your fans start noticing that your channel isn't doing as well as it used to be, they are quick to point out why: It is you. "It is not because I got tired of your content - it is because of you - you've changed man!" ** 24 July 2018 ====ONLY REAL GAMERS CAN WATCH THIS==== * Okay, Grandpa. I don't care about your Vietnam stories! Have you ever tried going into Molten Core with only four healers? * Together, us gamers are strong. For too long we have been oppressed by all these groups; everyone is against us, but we are the toughest, most hard-working, most vigilant, most powerful group on the Internet! If we all together will rise up, we can defeat anything! We can take over the world! We can create the gaming utopia that we all wanted to live in! Cars are not cars - they are carmers; houses are not houses - they are gaming studios; roads are not roads - they are [[w:Candy Crush|Candy Crush]] displays. Imagine it, just think of how good things would really be! Think about how bad we are now because we haven't risen up yet! The more we wait, the harder it will get, but now it is time for gamers to rise together! ** 25 July 2018 ====NINJA RESPECTS ALL WOMANS==== * Just like [[w:Twitter|Twitter]] said themselves, unless [[w:Alex Jones|Alex]] preaches ideas that goes against Twitter's community guidelines or rules, then he shouldn't be banned from Twitter. I found it almost dumbfounding how people will disagree with this statement. * I've seen the argument saying, 'Well, these are private companies, [[w:Apple|Apple]], [[w:Spotify|Spotify]], [[w:YouTube|YouTube]], and whatever. They have the right to ban whoever they want. They can set their own rules. They should just make up rules to get rid of [[w:Alex Jones|Alex Jones]].' It seems pretty fair, right? Their playground, their rules. I also, kind of disagree. I think that social media has grown so big that it's become an extension of your voice, that if you are not on social media, and you are taken off of social media in a way that isn't really specified why, then it can be seen as a way of censorship. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv8UnA_1Os8 NINJA RESPECTS ALL WOMANS] (15 August 2018) ===2019=== *"Negligib... neglibij... Negligibible" ====PewDiePie's Tuber Simulator==== *What!? You've never played TUBER SIMULATOR ?!!?! You know it's fun, right? Now I'm not supposed to give my opinion, but give it a try , and THEN you can tell me if it's good or not. Not convinced yet? Okay, I'll cut you a deal. The game is available for FREE, and that's a GREAT price! **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV843iXV2EM Pewdiepies tuber simulator ad] (12 July 2019) == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{commons category|PewDiePie|PewDiePie)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Kjellberg, Felix}} [[Category:Actors from Sweden]] [[Category:Comedians]] [[Category:Video artists]] [[Category:Internet personalities]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Producers]] [[Category:Agnostics]] [[Category:People from Gothenburg]] [[Category:1989 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:YouTubers]] prfxswy470x75mddyznpcbpb8wxp99u 0 201666 3155710 2351426 2022-08-18T00:52:11Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Angels]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Metatron|Metatron]]''' (Hebrew מטטרון; prob. derived from the Latin ''mētātor'': "one who metes out or marks off a place, a divider and fixer of boundaries", "a measurer"), or '''Mattatron''' is an [[archangel]] in [[Judaism]] and known in Judaism as the Recording Angel or the Chancellor of Heaven, said to have once been the biblical prophet [[Enoch]]. == About {{PAGENAME}} == * And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. ** Genesis 5:24 KJV. * This Enoch, whose flesh was turned to flame, his veins to fire, his eye-lashes to flashes of lightning, his eye-balls to flaming torches, and whom God placed on a throne next to the throne of glory, received after this heavenly transformation the name Metatron. ** Gershom G. Scholem, ''Major Trends in Jewish Mysticism'' (1941/1961) p. 67. Extract of 3 Enoch. * The Talmud states, it was proved to Elisha that Metatron could not be a second deity by the fact that Metatron received 60 "strokes with fiery rods" to demonstrate that Metatron was not a god, but an angel, and could be punished. ** Oxford Centre for Postgraduate Hebrew Studies, Society for Jewish Study (1983). The Journal of Jewish Studies, Volumes 34-35. The Oxford Centre for Postgraduate Hebrew Studies. p. 26. Retrieved 5 March 2014. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Judaism]] [[Category:Angels]] 4lx3dze3gpezfqnn43r3rf26jdvl2ry 0 204291 3155769 3154800 2022-08-18T05:06:10Z Jaliscan 316599 /* Quotes about Yvonne De Carlo */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Yvonne De Carlo in Salome, Where She Danced.jpg|thumb|The most beautiful girl in the world. . . It was a straight publicity thing but it ballooned. Of course, I never could wear blue jeans to the market after that. I had a reputation to uphold.]] [[File:Yvonne in Song of Scheherezade.jpg|thumb|I played so many oriental princesses and cowtown saloon madams after that I lost count.]] [[File:Yvonne De Carlo Mclintock 02.jpg|thumb|Baby, I've never been drunk in public and I never run around with men half my age.]] '''[[w:Yvonne De Carlo|Yvonne De Carlo]]''' (born '''Margaret Yvonne Middleton'''; September 1, 1922 &ndash; January 8, 2007) was a Canadian-American actress, dancer, and singer. Known as the "Most Beautiful Girl in the World" and the "Queen of Technicolor", she was an internationally famous Hollywood star of the 1940s and 1950s. She has two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, for motion pictures and television. ==Quotes== === "Three Show‐Biz Girls and How They Grew" (1971) === :<small>Quotes of De Carlo from the ''[[New York Times]]'' article "[https://nytimes.com/1971/04/04/archives/three-showbiz-girls-and-how-they-grew-three-showbiz-girls.html Three Show‐Biz Girls and How They Grew]" (1971)</small> * '''I was on cloud nine all the time. After I made my hit in ''[[w:Salome, Where She Danced|Salome]]'', [[w:Universal Pictures|Universal]] sent me to New York so I could learn to be a proper movie star.''' I lived at the [[w:The Sherry-Netherland|Sherry‐Netherland]] for two months and I went to the [[w:John Robert Powers|John Robert Powers]] school. They taught me things like how to walk off a New York curb and how to enter a room in a manner befitting a big‐time movie star. * They also tried to teach me how to eat. One day the big boss came into town and took me to dinner. I knew why he was taking me to dinner; he wanted to watch me eat. I was so nervous that when I started to lift my soup spoon to my mouth, my hand shook so much that I had to put the spoon down again. I couldn't eat soup for a whole year after that. * We had dinner with [[John Wayne|Duke Wayne]] and [[w:Pilar Palette|his wife]] recently. He's really worried about the picture industry and how much harm it's done. And he isn't just making casual conversation, either. Duke is very concerned. * '''I'm from Hollywood. I'm too dumb to be nervous about New York.''' === "A girl no longer, but . . . De Carlo's a beauty still" (1975) === :<small>Quotes of De Carlo from "[https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/459624330/ A girl no longer, but . . . De Carlo's a beauty still]" (1975)</small> *You want to know about the title, right. '''The most beautiful girl in the world. . . It was a straight publicity thing but it ballooned. Of course, I never could wear blue jeans to the market after that. I had a reputation to uphold.''' *'''I played so many oriental princesses and cowtown saloon madams after that I lost count.''' I broke in all the new actors, to use a phrase. I acted with Rock Hudson and Tony Curtis before they became big names. *'''Baby, I've never been drunk in public and I never run around with men half my age.''' The dames I started out with are all batty today. They had their looks and nothing more and now they think they're finished. *'''Reality to me is a home, my kids, best friends and only then a career and the limelight.''' I never thought like [[Marilyn Monroe]] that I was washed up when I was 35. *'''One critic called me one of the most magnificent resources Canada has allowed to escape to the United States. Because I was born and raised in Vancouver and lived up there until I was 17.''' My kids sons Bruce and Michael are, of course, American citizens. But not me. I defiantly refuse to change. *My mother was the shaping force in my life. Don't ask me how but she always had money for my dancing lessons. She was convinced I was going to be somebody. === "Yvonne De Carlo Reminds The World There Was Life Before Lily Munster" (1987) === :<small>Quotes of De Carlo from "[https://web.archive.org/web/20150709132307/http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/1987-05-15/lifestyle/0130090076_1_lily-munster-yvonne-decarlo-actress-yvonne Yvonne De Carlo Reminds The World There Was Life Before Lily Munster]" (1987)</small> * I think Yvonne De Carlo was more famous than Lily. But I gained the younger audience through ''[[The Munsters]]''. And it was a steady job. * I enjoyed being in ''[[The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|The Ten Commandments]]''. That was a great experience—to suddenly become one of those holy people. I was holier than thou. * I enjoyed the comedies with [[Alec Guinness]], and I had a real great time with [[Peter Ustinov]] in ''Hotel Sahara''. I found I had the ability to do comedy. My timing was really inborn. ==Quotes about Yvonne De Carlo== [[File:Yvonne De Carlo in The Ten Commandments film trailer.jpg|thumb|I cast Yvonne De Carlo as Sephora, the wife of Moses, . . . [because] I sensed in her a depth, an emotional power, a womanly strength which the part of Sephora needed, and which she gave it. –[[Cecil B. DeMille]]]] * Miss De Carlo photographs beautifully in color and in black and white film. '''She is a fine actress, an excellent dancer and singer. It is very unusual to find so much talent in one person.''' ** [[w:Walter Wanger|Walter Wanger]], as quoted in "[https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1946&dat=19450725&id=Mb4tAAAAIBAJ&sjid=e5gFAAAAIBAJ&pg=4893,3527502 Yvonne De Carlo Chosen for Role, Over '20,000 Beautiful Girls']" (1945) * Early one morning she answered the telephone. . . . "Yvonne?" asked the voice on the other end of the phone. It was her agent. "You know about ''[[The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|Ten Commandments]]'', don’t you?" "Know what?" she asked. Of course, she knew about the picture. Everyone in town did. "What about it?" she asked. "Great news," the voice sounded breathless. "The part of [[w:Zipporah|Sephora]]—[[Moses]]' wife. Until today, that part was wide open. Not any more. Guess who’s got it? You! [[Cecil B. DeMille|DeMille]] wants De Carlo!" Not until weeks later, in conversations with Mr. DeMille, did Yvonne find out how, without asking, she had won this important role. DeMille was in the process of casting and was considering [[w:Nina Foch|Nina Foch]] for the role of Moses' [[w:Pharaoh's daughter|Egyptian foster mother]]. Miss Foch's agent suggested that he see an earlier Foch movie called ''[[w:Sombrero (film)|Sombrero]]''. A date was set and DeMille, with a few of his staff, was shown the film in the studio screening room. Foch was fine, he commented to an assistant. "Cast her." And he started to rise to return to his office. '''Suddenly, looking up he saw a tormented, sadly beautiful face, veiled in a Mexican shawl, flash upon the screen. Sinking back into his chair, he watched the scene through. When it was over, he had reached another decision. "Get me that face," he ordered. "That’s Sephora."''' **Howard Eisenberg, ''Photoplay'' article "Life Can Be Beautiful" (1957) * It's fitting that Yvonne ends up as a star on the very lot where she started as an extra. Audiences will now see her as the really fine actress she is. ** [[Cecil B. DeMille]], as quoted in the ''Photoplay'' article "Life Can Be Beautiful" (1957) * I cast Yvonne De Carlo as Sephora, the wife of Moses, after our casting director, Bert McKay called my attention to one scene she played in ''Sombrero'', which was a picture far removed in theme from ''The Ten Commandments'', '''I sensed in her a depth, an emotional power, a womanly strength which the part of Sephora needed, and which she gave it.''' ** [[Cecil B. DeMille]], in ''The Autobiography of DeMille'' (1959), p. 416 * '''Oh, how I loved the movies as a little girl. Particularly I loved Yvonne De Carlo—she was my favorite.''' Others, too, like [[Rita Hayworth]], but I used to dream that I was Yvonne De Carlo. And I liked that little one—what was her name?—[[w:June Allyson|June Allyson]], too. But for me there was only one Yvonne De Carlo. **[[Sophia Loren]], as quoted in [[w:Dick Kleiner|Dick Kleiner]]'s [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/34389423/ "Hollywood Today" column (July 30, 1965)] * '''I remember Yvonne with very warm and positive feelings. There was a warmth and sexiness which came out in everything she did, and that is what was irresistible to audiences.''' Like most top actresses, she needed direction and support, but her objective was always to be equal to the stars around her, especially the males. ** [[w:Ken Annakin|Ken Annakin]], as quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ef1qRwXs4tUC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false L.A. Noir: Nine Dark Visions of the City of Angels]'' (2004), p. 42–43 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} {{IMDb name|0001119}} {{DEFAULTSORT:De Carlo, Yvonne}} [[Category:1922 births]] [[Category:2007 deaths]] [[Category:Actresses from the United States]] [[Category:Actresses from Canada]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Women musicians]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Episcopalians from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Vancouver]] m2cideyf649u1inb1b1ki4pqzo1mixc 0 209060 3155616 3098711 2022-08-17T19:40:50Z 69.36.212.253 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[Jerry and the Lion]]''''' is a [[w:1950 in film|1950]] one-reel animated cartoon and is the 50th ''[[Tom and Jerry]]'' short. created in 1949 It was produced in [[w:Technicolor|Technicolor]] and released to theatres on April 8, 1950 by [[w:Metro-Goldwyn Mayer|Metro-Goldwyn Mayer]]. The cartoon was animated by Irven Spence, Ed Barge, Kenneth Muse, and Ray Patterson. It was directed by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, and produced by Fred Quimby. Scott Bradley arranged the music, Robert Gentle did the backgrounds, and Frank Graham provided the (uncredited) voice of the lion that befriends Jerry in the cartoon. :''Directed by [[w:William Hanna|William Hanna]] and [[w:Joseph Barbera|Joseph Barbera]]. Produced by [[w:Fred Quimby|Fred Quimby]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Radio Announcer''': Attention! Attention, everyone. We interrupt this program to bring you this warning. A ferocious lion has just escaped from the circus. I repeat, a ferocious lion has just escaped from the circus. You are advised to bar your windows and doors immediately. ''[Tom, panicked, immediately locks all the windows and doors in the house and hides behind an upturned table with a shotgun]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry, having overheard the warning, now comes out from hiding from in a teapot, but when he sees the lion's eyes hiding in the shadows, he just has time to scream, just before the lion catches Jerry, just to ask him for favors, not threaten or scare him]'' :'''Lion''': Shh! Don't give me away, pal. Don't let 'em catch me. If they take me back to that circus, I'll go crazy. I can't stand that corny music. Or that "crackle, crackle crackle" of them popcorn bags. Say you'll help me get back to the jungle. Please? :''[Lion says please with bright white teeth, almost as if posing for a smile. Jerry then nods his head, meaning yes]'' :'''Lion''': Gee. Thanks, pal. Thanks. Uh, there's just one more little thing. :''[Lion opens and closes his mouth, points to open mouth]'' :'''Lion''': I'm hungry. :'''Jerry''': Shh. Shh. Shh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Jerry and the lion escape from Tom, they go to a shipping dock. The ship's name is S.S. Africa. Jerry then pushes and lifts the lion onboard the ship and the foghorn toots once] :'''Lion''': Good-Bye! Good-bye pal! So long! :''[The lion then sheds a tear of joy, from Jerry's favors and assistance. Jerry also sheds a tear a sniffle, as the ship is almost out of sight, but is very happy that he helped. The cartoon ends and the end title card is shown.]'' ==Voice cast== * [[w:Paul Frees|Paul Frees]] as Radio Announcer * [[w:Frank Graham (voice actor)|Frank Graham]] as the Lion * [[w:Billy Bletcher|Billy Bletcher]] as Tom (laughing) * [[w:William Hanna|William Hanna]] as Tom (screaming) / Jerry ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1950 films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Animated films about lions]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]] [[Category:Children's animated fantasy short films]] [[Category:Tom and Jerry shorts]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] ajy21uom6nbsu3rq76c1y26vhiaio8f 0 210833 3155736 3098444 2022-08-18T02:18:07Z 67.7.31.110 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|The Proud Family Movie}}''''' is a Disney Channel Original Movie which premiered on August 19, 2005. The film served as the series finale for the Disney Channel animated series, ''[[The Proud Family]]''. ==Dialogue== :'''15 Cent''': Hey cus, we're gonna have an afterparty on my yacht ''(pronounced yatch)''! :'''Sticky''': Uh about the yacht... <hr width=50%> :'''Suga Mama''': ''[to Oscar]'' You said this was the grand prize! A vacation with my son is like a booby prize. :'''Oscar''': For once, I agree with you, Mama, so take her away and have a nice trip! (pushes Suga Mama and Puff out the door) Quick, Trudy! Let's move the house before they come back! <hr width=50%> :'''15 Cent''': So, uh, this your house, right? :'''Penny Proud''': Look, I know what you doin'. Tryin' to get me all alone. But you can stop right there, player. I read every issue of Dreamy Teenm Magazine, and I know all about your little rep. So if you think you gonna get a kiss on the first date, I'm-a just tell you straight up-- it ain't gonna happen. :'''15 Cent''': Oh, the stuff in those magazines is all made up. :'''Penny Proud''': It is? :'''15 Cent:''' Yep. Remember that picture of me and Christina Aguilera? Besides, if I'm late for my curfew, my moms'll go off. :(''15 starts the car'') :'''Penny Proud:''' Wait a minute. You mean...it ain't gonna happen? :'''15 Cent''': Nah, seriously, it's gettin' late, and I gotta return my grandmama car. :(''15 dials in on his phone, and Penny grabs his face'') :'''Penny Proud:''' Your grandmama's gonna have to wait. Come here, boy. :(''Penny kisses 15 on the lips'') :(''Oscar gets home from work, steps back, and sees 15 Cent's car'') :'''Oscar Proud''': What? (''wipes the car door window and witnessed Penny and 15 Cent kissed'') [echoes] '''''PENNY!!!''''' :(''The Proud Residence, living room'') :'''Oscar Proud''': This time you've gone too far, Penny Proud. Not only are you forbidden from dancing at the halftime show, you're grounded... indefinitely! :'''Penny Proud''': Indefinitely? What about my birthday party? :'''Oscar Proud''': Cancelled! In fact, your whole birthday is cancelled! And until you learn to show some respect. You're not even allowed to turn 16! <hr width=50%> :'''Cashew''': ''[Penny found Cashew in her closet, wearing her clothes]'' How do. :'''Penny Proud''': Cashew, what are you doing here? :'''Cashew''': Oh, just checking out your wardrobe. You know, you could use little more variety. ''[Penny looks at Cashew sternly]'' Okay, I stowed away on the boat and followed you here, because I wanted to see what it was like to have a real family. Only problem is, you don't have a real family either. :'''Penny Proud''': whacha talking about, Cashew? :'''Cashew''': You real family still back on the island being held captive. Those people down stairs are peanut clones, sent here by the evil Dr. Marcus Carver Carver, the second. To find your father's secret formula, so he can take over the world. Hey, is this cashmere. :'''Penny Proud''': Cashew, focus. Are telling me, my family is a forgery. ''[Cashew nods]'' HA HA HA HA HA, that's a funny. That's real funny, come on, lets go down stairs, so I can let everyone know your here. ''[walks down stairs, to talking to clone family, while holding Cashew]'' You guys wouldn't believe who hitched a ride on the boat. CASHEW, and he's got this ridiculous idea, that all of you guys are clones. HA HA HA HA. ''[clones look at Penny suspiciously]'' That is ridiculous, right? :'''Bebe Clone''': Yeah, that is ridiculous. :'''Penny Proud''': Who said that? :'''Bebe Clone''': I DID. Now give me that necklace, or I'm gonna slap your head with this ten pound dirty diaper. :'''Cashew''': See, I told ya. ==Cast== * Kyla Pratt – Penny Proud * Tommy Davidson – Oscar Proud * Paula Jai Parker – Trudy Proud * Jo Marie Payton – Suga Mama * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] – Bebe Proud / Cece Proud / Cashew * Orlando Brown – Sticky Webb * Jeff Bennett – Mr. Bufferman * Soleil Moon Frye – Zoey Howser * Alisa Reyes – LaCienega Boulevardez * Karen Malina White – Dijonay Jones * Omarion – 15 Cent * LisaRaye McCoy – Choreographer * Arsenio Hall – Dr. Carver / Bobby Proud * Jeremy Suarez – Wally * Carlos Alazraqui – Puff / Board Member * Billy West - Board Member / Cab Driver * Carlos Mencia - Felix Boulevardez * Maria Canals - Sunset Boulevardez * Alvaro Guttierez – Papi * Phil LaMarr – Dr. Carver in Disguise / Board Member * Aries Spears – Wizard Kelly / Board Member * Keith David – Bebe Proud Clone * Kevin Michael Richardson – Mangler Mania/Bobo the Sea Beast * Masi Oka - Japanese Kid / Announcer ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Proud Family}} [[Category:2005 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated television films]] [[Category:Disney Channel films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Television series finales]] 1epzjzbyqysjz6wlmip6be879m74eqn 0 211949 3155577 2941083 2022-08-17T13:53:19Z A23423413 3125316 /* Quotes */ adds wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Angelina Grimké.jpg|thumb|''If'' a law commands me to ''sin I will break it''; if it calls me to ''suffer'', I will let it take its course ''unresistingly'']] '''[[:w:Angelina Grimké|Angelina Emily Grimké Weld]]''' (February 21, 1805&nbsp;– October 26, 1879) was an American political activist, [[:w:women's rights|women's rights]] advocate, supporter of the [[:W:women's suffrage movement|women's suffrage movement]], and besides her sister, [[Sarah Moore Grimké]], the only known white Southern woman to be a part of the [[Abolitionism|abolition movement]]. ==Quotes== * I know you do not make the laws but I also know that you are the [[wives]] and [[mother]]s, the [[Siblings|sisters]] and [[Children|daughters]] of those who do. ** From "Appeal to the Christian Women of the South," ''The Anti-Slavery Examiner'', September 1836., as quoted in {{cite book|author1=Fred R Shapiro|title=The Yale Book of Quotations|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ck6bXqt5shkC|year=2006|publisher=Yale University Press|isbn=0-300-10798-6|page=325}} * Human beings have ''rights'', because they are ''moral'' beings: the rights of ''all'' men grow out of their moral nature; and as all men have the same moral nature, they have essentially the same rights. ** "Letter XII. Human Rights Not Founded On Sex" (October 2, 1837); reported in Isaac Knapp, ''[http://utc.iath.virginia.edu/abolitn/abesaegb5t.html Letters to Catherine Beecher]'' (1838). * '''The time to assert a [[Rights|right]] is the time when that right is denied.''' ** From Grimké's ''Pastorial Letter'', as quoted in {{cite book|last=Browne|first=Stephen H.|title=Angelina Grimke: Rhetoric, Identity, and the Radical Imagination|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=RRJpDwAAQBAJ|date=1 January 2012|publisher=MSU Press|isbn=978-0-87013-897-3|page=128}} * I have been [[suffering]] for the last two days on account of [my brother] Henry’s boy [slave] having run away, because he was threatened with a whipping … and yet … I am constantly told that the situation of slaves is very good, much better than that of their owners … No wonder poor John ran away at the threat of a flogging, when he has told me more than once that when Henry last whipped him he was in pain for a week afterwards. I don’t know how the boy must have felt, but I know that the night was one of agony for me; for it was dreadful not only to hear the blows, but the oaths and curses Henry uttered went like daggers to my heart. And this was done too, in the house of one who is regarded as a light in the church.{{pb}}... I was directed to go to Henry and tenderly remonstrate with him ...{{pb}}I said that would be treating him worse than he would treat his horse.{{pb}}He now became excited, and replied that he considered his horse no comparison better than John, and would not treat it so … I felt so much overcome as to be compelled to seat myself or rather to fall into a chair before him, but I don’t think he observed this ... ** Angelina Grimké, ''Diary'', Mrs Weld-Grimké Papers, William L Clemets Library, The University of Michigan, Ann Arbor., as quoted in {{cite journal |author=Gerda Lerner|title=The Grimké Sisters and the Struggle Against Race Prejudice |journal=The Journal of Negro History |date=October 1963 |volume=48 |issue=4 |pages=277–291 |doi=10.2307/2716330 |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/2716330?seq=1#metadata_info_tab_contents |accessdate=4 January 2019}} * The ground upon which you [abolitionists] stand is holy ground; never—never surrender it. If you surrender it, the hope of the slave is extinguished, and the chains of his servitude will be strengthened a hundred fold … '''But remember you must be willing to suffer the loss of all things – willing to be the scorn and reproach of professor and profane. You must obey our [[God|great master’s]] injunction: “Fear not them that kill the body, and after that, have nothing more that they can do.”''' ** In a letter to Abolitionist [[William Lloyd Garrison]], August 30, 1835. published in ''The Liberator'', September 19, 1835., as quoted in {{cite book|last=Ceplair|first=Larry|title=The Public Years of Sarah and Angelina GrimkŽ: Selected Writings, 1835-1839|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0PxaZ18qT4QC|year=1989|publisher=Columbia University Press|isbn=978-0-231-06801-7|page=25-6}} * But I ask no favors for my sex. I surrender not our claim to [[equality]]. All I ask of our brethren is, that they will take their feet from off our necks, and permit us to stand upright … ** Published in {{cite book|last=Ceplair|first=Larry|title=The Public Years of Sarah and Angelina GrimkŽ: Selected Writings, 1835-1839|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0PxaZ18qT4QC|year=1989|publisher=Columbia University Press|isbn=978-0-231-06801-7|page=25-6}}, as quoted in {{cite web |title=Sarah Grimke |url=https://www.brooklynmuseum.org/eascfa/dinner_party/heritage_floor/sarah_grimke |website=The Brooklyn Museum |accessdate=4 January 2019}} [[File:Angelina Emily Grimke.jpg|thumb|The time to assert a right is the time when that right is denied.]] * '''I appeal to you, my friends, as mothers; Are you willing to enslave your children? You start back with horror and indignation at such a question. But why, if slavery is no wrong to those upon whom it is imposed?''' Why, if as has often been said, slaves are happier than their masters, free from the cares and perplexities of providing for themselves and their families? Why not place your children in the way of being supported without your having the trouble to provide for them, or they for themselves? Do you not perceive that as soon as this golden rule of action is applied to yourselves that you involuntarily shrink from the test; as soon as your actions are weighed in this balance of the sanctuary that you are found wanting? Try yourselves by another of the Divine precepts, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Can we love a man as we love ourselves if we do, and continue to do unto him, what we would not wish any one to do to us? Look too, at Christ's example, what does he say of himself, "I came not to be ministered unto, but to minister." Can you for a moment imagine the meek, and lowly, and compassionate [[Saviour]], a slaveholder? Do you not shudder at this thought as much as at that of his being a warrior? But why, if slavery is not [[sin|sinful]]? ** From "Appeal to the Christian Women of the South," ''The Anti-Slavery Examiner'', September 1836., as quoted in {{cite web |title=People & Ideas: Angelina and Sarah Grimké |url=http://www.pbs.org/godinamerica/people/angelina-grimke.html |website=PBS |accessdate=4 January 2019}} * '''''If'' a law commands me to ''sin I will break it''; if it calls me to ''suffer'', I will let it take its course ''unresistingly'''''. The doctrine of blind obedience and unqualified submission to any ''human'' power, whether civil or ecclesiastical, is the doctrine of [[Tyranny|despotism]], and ought to have no place among Republicans and Christians. ** Angelina Grimké, "Appeal to the Christian Women of the South" (1836)., as quoted in {{cite book|last=Perry|first=Lewis|title=Civil Disobedience: An American Tradition|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=yRP7AAAAQBAJ|date=22 October 2013|publisher=Yale University Press|isbn=978-0-300-12459-0|page=66}} * My mind is composed & I cannot but feel astonished at the total change which has passed over me during the last 6 months. Then I delighted in going to meeting 4 & 5 times every week, but now my Master says “be still” & I would rather be at home, for '''I find that every stream from which I used to drink the refreshing waters of [[salvation]] is dry & that I have been led to the fountain itself.''' Once, Oh how precious were the means of grace to my soul with how much power did sermons come home to my heart, but now I sometimes wish I could close my ears to the preacher’s voice and retire into the closet of my heart & old converse with him who speaks as never man spake. And it is possible I would ask myself tonight, is is possible that today is the last time I expect to visit the Presbyterian Church, the last time I expect to teach my interesting class in Sabbath School and it is right that I should separate myself from a people whom I have loved so tenderly & who have been the helpers of my joy, is it right to give up instructing those dear children whom I have so often carried in the arms of faith & love to a throne of grace. ** Reflections upon breaking with the Presbyterian Church, as quoted in {{cite book|last1=Grimké|first1=Angelina Emily|| editor = Charles Wilbanks|title=Walking by Faith: The Diary of Angelina Grimké, 1828-1835|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_bN5xxxh-GAC|year=2003|publisher=Univ of South Carolina Press|isbn=978-1-57003-511-1|page=ixi-xx}} * I have seen it! I have seen it! I know it has horrors that can never be described. I was brought up under its wing. I witnessed for many years its demoralizing influence and its destructiveness to human happiness. I have never seen a happy slave. **Addressing an abolitionist meeting in Philadelphia, May 14, 1838, as a mob howled outside, throwing bricks and stones into the building, as quoted in {{cite book|last=Todras|first=Ellen H.|title=Angelina Grimké: Voice of Abolition|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=-S8ZAQAAMAAJ|year=1999|publisher=Linnet|isbn=978-0-208-02485-5|page=3}} === Speech at Pennsylvania Hall (1838) === in ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *Do you ask, then, "What has the North to do?" I answer, cast out first the spirit of slavery from your own hearts, and then lend your aid to convert the South. Each one present has a work to do, be his or her situation what it may, however limited their means or insignificant their supposed influence. The great men of this country will not do this work; the church will never do it. A desire to please the world, to keep the favor of all parties and of all conditions, makes them dumb on this and every other unpopular subject. *As a Southerner, I feel that it is my duty to stand up here tonight and bear testimony against slavery. I have seen it! I have seen it! I know it has horrors that can never be described. I was brought up under its wing: I witnessed for many years its demoralizing influences and its destructiveness to human happiness. It is admitted by some that the slave is not happy under the worst forms of slavery. But I have never seen a happy slave. *What if the mob should now burst in upon us, break our meeting, and commit violence upon our persons? Would that be anything compared with what the slaves endure? No, no; and we do not remember them "as bound with them," if shrink in the time of peril, or feel unwilling to sacrifice ourselves, if need be, for their sake. *Many persons go to the South for a season, and are hospitably entertained in the parlor and at the table of the slaveholder. They never enter the huts of the slaves; they know nothing of the dark side of the picture, and they return home with praises on their lips of the generous character of those with whom they had tarried. Or if they have witnessed the cruelties of slavery, by remaining silent spectator they have naturally become callous-an insensibility has ensued which prepares them to apologize even for barbarity. Nothing but the corrupting influence of slavery on the hearts of the Northern people can induce them to apologize for it; and much will have been done for the destruction of Southern slavery when we have so reformed the North that no one here will be willing to risk his reputation by advocating or even excusing the holding of men as property. *How wonderfully constituted is the human mind! How it resists, as long as it can, all efforts to reclaim it from error! I feel that all this disturbance is but an evidence that our efforts are the best that could have been adopted, or else the friends of slavery would not care for what we say and do. The South knows what we do. I am thankful that they are reached by our efforts. Many times have I wept in the land of my birth over the system of slavery. I knew of none who sympathized in my feelings; I was unaware that any efforts were made to deliver the oppressed; no voice in the wilderness was heard calling on the people to repent and do works meet for repentance, and my heart sickened within me. Oh, how should I have rejoiced to know that such efforts as these were being made. *I fled to the land of Penn; for here, thought I, sympathy for the slave will surely be found. But I found it not. The people were kind and hospitable, but the slave had no place in their thoughts. *I will lift up my voice like a trumpet, and show this people their transgression, their sins of omission towards the slave, and what they can do towards affecting Southern mind, and overthrowing Southern oppression. *We may talk of occupying neutral ground, but on this subject, in its present attitude, there is no such thing as neutral ground. He that is not for us is against us *If the arm of the North had not caused the Bastille of slavery to totter to its foundation, you would not hear those cries. A few years ago, and the South felt secure, and with a contemptuous sneer asked, "Who are the abolitionists? The abolitionists are nothing?" *To work as we should in this cause, we must know what slavery is. Let me urge everyone to buy the books which have been written on this subject and read them, and then lend them to your neighbors. Give your money no longer for things which pander to pride and lust, but aid in scattering "the living coals of truth upon the naked heart of this nation"-in circulating appeals to the sympathies of Christians in behalf of the outraged and suffering slave. *But it is said by some, our "books and papers do not speak the truth." Why, then, do they not contradict what we say? They cannot. Moreover, the South has entreated, nay, commanded us, to be silent; and what greater evidence of the truth of our publications could be desired? *Women of Philadelphia! Allow me as a Southern woman, with much attachment to the land of my birth, to entreat you to come up to this work. Especially let me urge you to petition. Men may settle this and other questions at the ballot box, but you have no such right. It is only through petitions that you can reach the legislature. *Men who hold the rod over slaves rule in the councils of the nation; and they deny our right to petition and remonstrate against abuses of our sex and our kind. *It was remarked in England that women did much to abolish slavery in her colonies. Nor are they now idle. *Let the zeal and love, the faith and works of our English sisters quicken ours; that while the slaves continue to suffer, and when they shout deliverance, we may feel the satisfaction of having done what we could. ==Quotes about Angelina Grimké== <small>Sorted alphabetically by surname</small> * Some of her best friends protested [Grimké speaking in mixed gatherings of men and women]. It was not "proper," nor "right," for a woman to attempt to instruct a man. But Angelia Grimke had gone far beyond the point where propriety weighted when it was a question of humanity. She held that "Whatever is morally right for a man to do is morally right for a woman to do. I recognize no rights but human rights." ** [[:w:Ida Tarbell|Ida Tarbell]], as quoted in {{cite book|last=Squire|first=Belle|title=The Woman Movement in America: A Short Account of the Struggle for Equal Rights|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=SnOIAAAAMAAJ|year=1911|publisher=A. C. McClurg & Company|page=71-2}} * Then first she saw that outward forms are no part of Christ’s religion, which she was to be an inward life, – the love of all beings, the wishing and willing of good to all, the law of love, the golden rule, impartial and universal, to be wrought out in loving acts. ** Grimké's husband, fellow abolitionist [[:w:Theodore Dwight Weld|Theodore Dwight Weld]], as quoted in {{cite book|last=Todras|first=Ellen H.|title=Angelina Grimké: Voice of Abolition|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=-S8ZAQAAMAAJ|year=1999|publisher=Linnet|isbn=978-0-208-02485-5|page=24-5}} ==See also== * [[Emancipation Proclamation]] * [[Maria Weston Chapman]], also an early woman abolitionist * [[Slavery]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Angelina Grimké}} {{Commons cat|Angelina Emily Grimké}} * [[:s:1911 Encyclopædia Britannica/Grimké, Sarah Moore and Angelina Emily|Article for Angelina Grimké]] from the [[:s:Encyclopædia Britannica Eleventh Edition|''Encyclopædia Britannica'' Eleventh Edition]] at [[:s:Main Page|Wikisource]] * {{Gutenberg author | id=Grimké,+Angelina+Emily}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Grimké, Angelina}} [[Category:Abolitionists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:1805 births]] [[Category:1879 deaths]] [[Category:People from Charleston]] [[Category:Quakers]] qgeeggvs4khj55g5xxjg9jb4t6nzwdr 0 214000 3155654 3155459 2022-08-17T22:29:55Z 2601:343:C201:82A0:C17D:C8D3:CE7B:F25C /* Live-action films */ wikitext text/x-wiki == Live-action films == * Christian. ** Who: Ana Steele ** Source: ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey (film)|50 Shades of Grey]]'' (2015) *And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman! **Who: Samantha "Sam" Montgomery **Source: ''[[A Cinderella Story]]'' (2004) * Will do. ** Who: Capt. Jack Ross ** Source: ''[[A Few Good Men]]'' (1992) * Let's take a picture of the whole team. The original peaches! Hey, come on, come on. Okay. ** Who: Doris * (in-credits:) Yesterday or tomorrow, that might be a ball but today, it was a strike! ** Who: Umpire ** Source: ''[[A League of Their Own]]'' (1992) * Only because you got caught. ** Who: Jasmine ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (2019 film)|''Aladdin'' remake]]'' (2019) * The mystic chords of memory, who swell and again touched as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature. ** Who: Danny Vinyard ** Source: ''[[American History X]]'' (1998) * There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing. ** Who: Patrick Bateman ** Source: ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'' (2000) * Hail to the King, Baby! ** Who: Ash Williams ** Source: ''[[Army of Darkness]]'' (1992) * Our mission was called "a successful failure," in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon. In the following months, it was determined that a damaged coil built inside the oxygen tank sparked during our cryo stir and caused the explosion that crippled the Odyssey. It was a minor defect that occured two years before I was even named the flight's commander. Fred Haise was going back to the moon on Apollo 18, but his mission was cancelled because of budget cuts; he never flew in space again. Nor did Jack Swigert, who left the astronaut corps and was elected to *Congress* from the state of Colorado. But he died of cancer before he was able to take office. Ken Mattingly orbited the moon as Command Module Pilot of Apollo 16, *and* flew the Space Shuttle, having never gotten the measles. Gene Kranz retired as Director of Flight Operations just not long ago. And many other members of Mission Control have gone on to other things, but some are still there. As for me, the seven extraordinary days of Apollo 13 were my last in space. I watched other men walk on the moon, and return safely, all from the confines of Mission Control and our house in Houston. I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be? ** Who: Jim Lovell ** Source: ''[[Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' (1995) * Barney. ** Who: Baby Fig ** Source: ''[[Barney's Great Adventure]]'' (1998) * Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. Hey, what is going on here? Hey, stop it, WHOA! Hey, This might be a good look for me. ** Who: Betelgeuse / "Beetlejuice" ** Source: ''[[Beetlejuice]] (1988) * Yo, Little Mash, show me the "Nutcracker". ** Who: The Masher ** Source: ''[[Big Fat Liar]]'' (2002) * You know, I wouldn't bother... ** Who: Alan Wolf * (in-credits:) And that, my darlings, is a wrap. ** Who: Kevin Shepherd ** Source: ''[[Bigger Fatter Liar]]'' (2017) * You think he's horny? Come here. ** Who: Veronica Vaughn ** Source: ''[[Billy Madison]]'' (1995) * Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No! No! [screaming] Help! ** Who: Mike Donnelly ** Source: ''[[Black Sheep (1996 film)|Black Sheep]]'' (1996) * Give me peace. ** Who: Dracula ** Source: ''[[Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' (1992) * Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. ** Who: Brian Johnson ** Source: ''[[The Breakfast Club]]'' (1985) * Yeah, sure you are. ** Who: Paramedic ** Source: ''[[The Cable Guy]]'' (1996) * Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. ** Who: Rick Blaine ** Source: ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' (1942) * The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing? And that's that. ** Who: Samuel "Sam / Ace" Rothstein ** Source: ''[[Casino (film)|Casino]]'' (1995) * It ain't over yet, boys! ** Who: Dr. James Harvey ** Source: ''[[Casper (film)|Casper]]'' (1995) * Thank you. ** Who: Chuck Noland ** Source: ''[[Cast Away]]'' (2000) * Don't ever call me again. ** Who: Ryan ** Source: ''[[Cellular]]'' (2004) * In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]'' (2005) * Silly old bear. ** Who: Christopher Robin * (in-credits:) Thank ya for noticing me. ** Who: Eeyore ** Source: ''[[Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]'' (2018) * And so Kit and Ella were married. And I can tell you, as her fairy godmother, that they were counted to be the fairest and kindest rulers the kingdom had known. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be, if only you believe in courage, and kindness, and occasionally, just a little bit... of magic. ** Who: Fairy Godmother ** Source: ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|''Cinderella'' remake]]'' (2015) * Throw that junk in too! ** Who: Raymond ** Source: ''[[Citizen Kane]]'' (1941) ** Notes: The credits show each actor saying their lines each from Joseph Cotten to George Coulouris, followed by the rest of the cast saving Orson Welles as the last one billed. * Let's go home. Ah! ** Who: Mitch Robbins ** Source: ''[[City Slickers]]'' (1991) * It's got friends. ** Who: Duke Washburn ** Source: ''[[City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold]] (1994) * And, in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace and beauty and nobility of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (2006) * I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. ** Who: Kate Baker ** Source: ''[[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)|Cheaper by the Dozen]]'' (2003) * Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. ** Who: Walsh ** Source: ''[[Chinatown]]'' (1974) * I got it! ** Who: Cher Horowitz ** Source: ''[[Clueless (film)|Clueless]]'' (1995) * What is going on?! Don't you people have any respect?! ** Who: [[w:Kathryn Merteuil|Kathryn Merteuil]] ** Source: ''[[Cruel Intentions]]'' (1999) * I'm everyone - and no one. Everywhere - nowhere. Call me...Darkman. ** Who: Darkman / Peyton Westlake ** Source: ''Darkman'' (1990) * Sammy! ** Who: Jesse Barrett ** Source: ''[[Dark Skies]]'' (2013) * Too late! That'll be mine! ** Who: Grinch ** Source: ''[[w:How the Grinch stole Christmas (film)|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas]]'' (2000) * Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated. ** Who: The Cat in the Hat ** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat]]'' (2003) * Yeah, Dad. ** Who: Ben Hinton ** Source: ''[[Daddy Day Care]]'' (2003) * Welcome to the Endangered Species list, you bastard. ** Who: Carol Brubaker ** Source: ''[[Dinoshark]]'' (2010) * You looked wonderful out there. ** Who: Jake Houseman ** Source: ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'' (1987) * Oh, no, not again. ** Who: The [[Eighth Doctor]] ** Source: ''[[Eighth Doctor|Doctor Who]]'' (1996) * Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send. For I've only two words left and they are: The End. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Ella Enchanted]]'' (2006) * I absolutely love Christmas. ** Who: Eloise ** Source: ''[[Eloise at Christmastime]]'' (2003) * And so, they all lived happily ever after. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Enchanted (2007 film)|Enchanted]]'' (2007) * Bye. ** Who: Elliot ** Source: ''[[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]]'' (1982) * Hell, it's Saturday morning. Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon! ** Who: Mr. Hinchlow ** Source: ''[[Evil Toons]]'' (1992) * You can't let fear keep you from caring about someone, because caring about someone is wonderful. A person you can think about, and they think about you, and you both know you're thinking about each other. And it's... It's fantastic to know that there's somebody out there in the world thinking about you. ** Who: Fat Albert * (in-credits:) Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people. Why, look at that guy. Ooh, look at his-- Yeah, you can't tell me he doesn't need my help. Check out that lady over there. Do I detect tears? Eh, you in the back! Where are you goin'? It's not over! You gotta watch the end credits. ** Who: Fat Albert ** Source: ''[[Fat Albert (film)|Fat Albert]] (2004) * Yep. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. ** Who: Ferris Bueller * (post-credits:) You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go. ** Who: Ferris Bueller ** Source: ''[[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]]'' (1986) * You met me at a very strange time in my life. ** Who: The Narrator ** Source: ''[[Fight Club]]'' (1999) * WILMAAAA! ** Who: Fred Flintstone ** Source: ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'' (1994) * When we get to the hotel, I don't care what you say. I'm not sharing a room with him. Look at him, he's gross, he bounces all the time, he squeaks, he phase-shifts, I mean he's a Quasi-plasmoid. If it's hot in Hawaii, I hope he melts. ** Who: Webette ** Source: ''[[Flubber (film)|Flubber]]'' (1997) * Of course; you're Dorothy Harris, and I'm Forrest Gump. ** Who: Forrest Gump Jr. ** Source: ''[[Forrest Gump]]'' (1994) * No, no, no, really. It's easy for me. I'll just make a phone call. Make it easy for you. ** Who: Carmine Sabatini ** Source: ''The Freshman'' (1990) *My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive, in one piece and short. I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid. **Who: Private Joker **Source: ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' (1987) * George just lucky, I guess. ** Who: George * (in-credits:) Wait a moment! Wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know what happened to me? ** Who: Ape * (post-credits:) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle. ** Who: Ape ** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]'' (1997) * George, Watch out for that... ** Who: Ursula * (mid-credits:) Oh, man. Sorry! ** Who: Narrator * (post-credits:) Well, It's very nice to meet you. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle 2]]'' (2003) * Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say: Huh. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order? ** Who: Ed ** Source: ''[[Good Burger]]'' (1997) * And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody...get to live the rest of my life like a schnook. ** Who: Henry Hill ** Source: ''[[Goodfellas]]'' (1990) * Bye, Willy. Thanks. ** Who: Mikey ** Source: ''[[The Goonies]]'' (1985) * A womp bam boom! ** Who: Everyone ** Source: ''[[Grease (film)|Grease]]'' (1978) * The certainest. Yeah, I like that. I'd love to kiss you again. ** Who: Michael Carrington ** Source: ''[[Grease 2]]'' (1982) * It's beautiful! Let's live it here. ''[they kiss]'' We'll rent to start. ** Who: Phil Connors ** Source: ''[[Groundhog Day (film)|Groundhog Day]]'' (1993) * Of course you can... My fair princess. ** Who: Lemuel Gulliver ** Source: ''[[Gulliver's Travels (2010 film)|Gulliver's Travels]]'' (2010) * Not anymore. ** Who: Dr. Linda McKay ** Source: ''[[Hollow Man]]'' (2000) * Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure. ** Who: Peter Banning ** Source: ''[[Hook (film)|Hook]] (1991) * Bad kitty! Use the litter box! ** Who: Jonathan Barnavelt ** Source: ''[[The House with a Clock in Its Walls]]'' (2018) * In our new home. ** Who: Old Murph ** Source: ''[[Interstellar]]'' (2014) * See you, mom. Yeah, let's go. See you out of here. We made it. ** Who: Jack Powell ** Source: ''[[Jack (1996 film)|Jack]]'' (1996) * This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend, anyway? ** Who: Fern Mayo / Vylette ** Source: ''[[Jawbreaker]]'' (1999) * That's my dad! That's my dad! ** Who: Jamie Langston * (post-credits:) What did you get ''me''? ** Who: Liz Langston ** Source: ''[[Jingle All the Way]]'' (1996) * That's all, blokes! ** Who: Kangaroo Jack ** Source: ''[[Kangaroo Jack]]'' (2003) * Thanks a lot! ''[whoops]'' Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it, we did it! All right! ''[whoops victoriously]'' ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid]]'' (1984) * Wrong. ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part II]]'' (1986) * We did it! We did it! ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part III]]'' (1989) * Oh no, It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast. ** Who: Carl Denham ** Source: ''[[King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]'' (1933) * It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast. ** Who: Carl Denham ** Source: ''[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong]]'' (2005) * I do, father. ** Who: Azula ** Source: ''[[The Last Airbender]]'' (2010) * RICHIE...!!! ** Who: Bob Valenzuela ** Source: ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' (1987) * Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down and important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed. ** Who: Lemony Snicket ** Source: ''[[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]]'' (2004) * Nothing can stop the Claw! ** Who: Fletcher Reede * (in-credits:) Oh no. They're on to me! ** Who: Fletcher Reede ** Source: ''[[Liar Liar]]'' (1997) * Hey! How's it going? ** Who: Nadine ** Source: ''The Edge of Seventeen'' (2016) * Science! ** Who: Lisa Loud ** Source: ''[[A Loud House Christmas]]'' (2021) * Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don't stay away too long. ** Who: Bert ** Source: ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' (1964) * Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long, precisely having... ** Who: Matilda Wormwood ** Source: ''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' (1996) * Play "The Garden of Love". ** Who: Heidi the Hippo ** Source: ''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' (1989) * Now, where was I? ** Who: Leonard Shelby ** Source: ''[[Memento]]'' (2000) * Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. OK. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl and peanut butter and jelly for kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow... ** Who: Ernie Smuntz ** Source: ''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' (1997) * Damn, these things are fast! I'm okay! I'm okay! ** Who: Crazy Eyes ** Source: ''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' (2002) * Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye. ** Who: Mrs. Doubtfire ** Source: ''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' (1993) * And I get to tend the rabbits... ** Who: Lennie Small ** Source: ''[[Of Mice and Men]]'' (1992) * Roger, darling. I've got the most wonderful news. ** Who: Anita Dearly ** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians (1996 film)|101 Dalmatians remake]]'' (1996) * It's the only kind he knows. ** Who: Misha ** Source: ''[[Paulie]]'' (1998) * I don't have to see it, Dottie. I ''lived'' it. ** Who: Pee-Wee Herman ** Source: ''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' (1985) * And remember, you're supposed to be invisible! ** Who: Pete ** Source: ''[[Pete's Dragon (1977 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977) * The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery. ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Picnic at Hanging Rock (film)|Picnic at Hanging Rock]]'' (1975) * Hey, kids. Daddy's home. ** Who: Ludlow Lamonsoff ** Source: ''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015) * You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled. ** Who: John Cutter ** Source: [[The Prestige]] (2006) * MIKE!!! ** Who: Heather Donahue ** Source: [[The Blair Witch Project]] (1999) * Walking towards that stage, I felt like I was floating. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't really understand why I was getting a medal. It's not like blew up the Death Star. All I did was get through fifth grade, just like everyone else here. * Congrats. Here, here you go...that's for you. * Then again, maybe that’s kind of the point. Maybe the truth is, I’m really not so ordinary. Maybe if we knew what other people were thinking we’d know that no one’s ordinary, and we all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives. My friends do. My teachers do. My sister does for always being there for me. My dad does for always making us laugh. And my mom does the most, for never giving up, on anything. Especially, me. It’s like that last precept Mr. Browne gave us. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look. ** Who: August Pullman and Mr. Tushman ** Source: ''Wonder'' (2017) * It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..." ** Who: Norma Bates ** Source: ''[[Psycho]]'' (1960) *He has friends. ** Who: Regina Rich ** Source: ''[[Richie Rich (film)|Richie Rich]]'' (1994) * FREEZE! Drop the fucking gun, buddy. Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop the gun man! Don't do it! Drop the fucking gun. We're gonna fucking blow you away! ** Who: Police officers ** Source: ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (1992) * What was that? ** Who: Malcolm Reynolds ** Source: ''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' (2005) * Hell of a day. ** Who: Fin Shepard ** Source: ''[[Sharknado]]'' (2013) * I love New York. ** Who: Fin Shepard ** Source: ''[[Sharknado 2: The Second One]]'' (2014) * So in the end, my girlfriend became my arch enemy, my arch enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my girlfriend. But, hey, that's high school. ** Who: Will Stronghold ** Source: ''[[Sky High (2005 film)|Sky High]]'' (2005) * I hope we don't hit an iceberg. ** Who: Slamfist ** Source: ''[[Small Soldiers]]'' (1998) * Oh no, you don't. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me. Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks. Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay. ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog * (pre-credits:) My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start. Do some Rockconnaissance. Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious. What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas. Rockconnaissance! [cackles maniacally] Come on, cheer up! ** Who: Dr. Robotnik / Dr. Eggman * (mid-credits:) If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late. ** Who: Miles "Tails" Prower ** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2020) * Can't forget this. ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog * (mid-credits:) My god... Project Shadow. ** Who: G.U.N. Commander Walters ** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]'' (2022) * All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up. ** Who: Norma Desmond ** Source: ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' (1950) * I believe. ** Who: Mario * (post-credits:) The Super Koopa Cousins! ** Who: Spike and Iggy Koopa ** Source: ''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' (1993) * You were marvelous...and I never want to see any of you again. I might as well...they're the last roses I'll ever see. Vous! ** Who: Carroll "Toddy" Todd ** Source: ''[[Victor / Victoria]]'' (1982) * Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm. ** Who: Dot Matrix ** Source: ''[[Spaceballs]]'' (1987) *DANNY! ** Who: Jack Torrance ** Source: ''[[The Shining (film)|The Shining]]'' (1980) * Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark. ** Who: Thomas "Tommy" Callahan III ** Source: ''[[Tommy Boy]]'' (1995) * You know what? I think we've seen enough. [kisses Bill] ** Who: Jo Harding ** Source: ''[[Twister]]'' (1996) * And so we've come to the happy end of our story. But it's time for all of us to go home... just like Thomas. ** Who: Mr. Conductor ** Source: ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he's gone. ** Who: Roger "Verbal" Kint, AKA Keyser Söze ** Source: ''[[The Usual Suspects]]'' (1995) * Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so. ** Who: K.W. ** Source: ''[[Where the Wild Things Are|Where The Wild Things Are]]'' (2009) * Okay, m-m-m-m-m-move along. Th-th-there's nothing else to see. Th-that's all, folks! Hmm. I like the sound of that. Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks! ** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]] ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) * He lived happily ever after. ** Who: Willy Wonka ** Source: ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1971) * Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home. ** Who: Dorothy Gale ** Source: ''[[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]]'' (1939) * Okay. You can go. ** Who: VJ Emmie ** Source: ''[[w:Who Killed Captain Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]'' (2010, 2015 re-release) * You still got your Izod? ** Who: Griffin Keyes ** Source: ''[[Zookeeper (film)|Zookeeper]]'' (2011) === ''Alien'' film series === * Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas - are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off. [to Jonesy] Come on, cat. ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' (1979) * I-ffirmative. ** Who: Rebecca "Newt" Jorden ** Source: ''[[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'' (1986) * Ash, Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off. ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien 3|Alien 3]]'' (1992) * I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself. ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien: Resurrection]]'' (1997) * Final report of the vessel Prometheus. The ship and her entire crew are gone. If you're receiving this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is New Year's Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elisabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I am still searching. ** Who: Elizabeth Shaw ** Source: ''[[Prometheus (2012 film)|Prometheus]]'' (2012) * This is colony ship Covenant, reporting. All crew members apart from Daniels and Tennessee tragically perished in a solar flare incident. All colonists in hypersleep remain intact and undisturbed. On course for Origae-6. Hopefully this transmission will reach the network, and be relayed in 1.36 years. This is Walter, signing off. Security code, 31564-F. ** Who: Walter One ** Source: ''Alien: Covenant'' (2017) === ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Marc_Webb_films|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' film series === * You should leave him alone! ** Who: Dr. Curt Connors ** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man (2012 film)|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' (2012) * There's no place like home. ** Who: Spider-Man ** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man 2]]'' (2014) === ''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' film series === * OKAY!!! ** Who: Alvin * (post-credits:) Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing. ** Who: Ian Hawke ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' (2007) * Okay! this one's for Dave. ** Who: Alvin Seville * (mid-credits:) ALVIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!! ** Who: Dave Seville * (mid-credits 2:) Good start, gentlemen. Only 10 more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it. ** Who: Dr. Rubin * (post-credits:) All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out. Is this necessary? Come on. Is that necessary? Is that... At least let me go back and get my purse. ** Who: Ian Hawke ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009) * Thank you! ** Who: Alvin Seville * (mid-credits:) AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!!!!!! ** Who: Dave Seville ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011) * AAAALLLLVIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! ** Who: Dave Seville * (mid-credits:) Oh, come on! Come on. What are you gonna do, carry me out? Really? Okay, you are gonna carry me out. Okay! Okay, this is fine! I've been looking to relax all day! I'm like Cleopatra! Floating away! I'm gonna chillax! ** Who: Agent James Suggs ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015) === ''Austin Powers'' film series === * I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth. ** Who: Dr. Evil * (mid-credits:) What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah! ** Who: Austin Powers ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery]]'' (1997) * Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me, it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm gonna get you Austin Powers, I'm gonna get you. [laughs evilly] ** Who: Dr. Evil * (mid-credits:) Paging Dr. Freud. ** Who: Past Austin Powers * (post-credits:) Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing! [screams and falls to the ground] ** Who: Mustafa ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me]]'' (1999) * I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly and dances like Michael Jackson] ** Who: Dr. Scott Evil * (mid-credits:) Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach ** Who: Austin Powers (echo) ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers in Goldmember]]'' (2002) === ''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]'' film series === * That'll do, Pig. That'll do. ** Who: Farmer Arthur H. "The Boss" Hoggett ** Source: ''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]'' (1995) * That'll do, Pig. That'll do. ** Who: Farmer Arthur H. "The Boss" Hoggett * (post-credits:) Thank you for staying until the end. Bye-bye. ** Who: Mouse ** Source: ''[[Babe: Pig in the City]]'' (1998) === ''[[Batman]]'' films === * Our job is finished. ** Who: Batman ** Source: ''[[Batman (1966 film)|Batman: The Movie]]'' (1966) * I'm not a bit surprised. ** Who: Vicki Vale ** Source: ''[[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' (1989) * Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men and women. ** Who: Bruce Wayne ** Source: ''[[Batman Returns]]'' (1992) * Don't work too late. ** Who: Chase Meridian ** Source: ''[[Batman Forever]]'' (1995) * We're going to need a bigger cave. ** Who: Alfred Pennyworth ** Source: ''[[Batman and Robin (1997 film)|Batman & Robin]]'' (1997) * And you'll never have to. ** Who: Batman ** Source: ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (2005) * Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight. ** Who: Commissioner James Gordon ** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' (2008) * Si, Fernet Branca, per cortesia. ** Who: Alfred Pennyworth ** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]'' (2012) === ''[[Back to the Future]]'' trilogy === * Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads. ** Who: Doc Brown ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future]]'' (1985) * Doc! Doc? Doc? Oh, fantastic. ** Who: Marty McFly ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part II]]'' (1989) * Nope. Already been there. ** Who: Doc Brown ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part III]]'' (1990) === ''Bill & Ted'' film series === * They do get better. ** Who: Rufus ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure]]'' (1989) * Very good, very good. ** Who: British husband ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey]]'' (1991) * And so, it wasn't so much the song that made a difference. It was everyone playing together...and it worked. ** Who: Wilhelmina "Billie" Logan * (post-credits): Nurse! ** Who: Elder Ted "Theodore" Logan ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted: Face The Music]]'' (2020) === DC Extended Universe === * Of all the Lanterns who have ever worn the ring, there was one whose light shined brightest. At first his humanity was thought to be a weakness, and yet it proved to be his greatest strength. ** Who: Tomar-Re ** Source: ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' (2011) * Glad to be here, Lois. ** Who: Clark Kent ** Source: ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' (2013) * Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bells are ringing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. ** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr. ** Source: ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' (2016) * You should shut it down, or my friends and I will do it for you. ** Who: Bruce Wayne ** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' (2016) * I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind; but then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learnt that inside every one of them there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves — something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know... that only love can truly save the world. So now I stay, I fight, and I give — for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever. ** Who: Wonder Woman ** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2017 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2017) * No, I have too much to live for and more important things to do. We have to level the playing field, Mr. Wilson. To put it plainly, shouldn't we have a league of our own? ** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr. ** Source: ''[[Justice League (film)|Justice League]]'' (2017) * Sure. But first, you gotta tell me how to find him. ** Who: David Kane / Black Manta ** Source: ''[[Aquaman (film)|Aquaman]]'' (2018) * Uh... well, that's not THAT cool. ** Who: Billy Batson / Shazam ** Source: ''[[Shazam! (film)|Shazam!]]'' (2019) * Are you dummies still sitting there? Fine! Since you stuck it out this long, I'll tell you a super-duper secret secret, which you can't tell anyone! Okay. Did you know that Batman f... ** Who: Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn ** Source: ''[[Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)]]'' (2020) * Just to save the fucking world, that’s all. ** Who: Emilia Harcourt ** Source: ''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|The Suicide Squad]]'' (2021) === ''Dennis the Menace'' film series === * Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid! ** Who: Andrea ** Source: ''Dennis the Menace'' (1993) * He's a menace! ** Who: George Wilson ** Source: ''Dennis the Menace: Strikes Again'' (1998) * Dennis! ** Who: George Wilson ** Source: ''A Dennis the Menace Christmas'' (2007) === Disney Channel Original Movies === * Let's kick it! ** Who: Dee La Duke * (extended ending:) And...go. ** Who: Mitchie Torres ** Source: ''[[Camp Rock]]'' (2008) * I'm sure we can work something out. ** Who: Brown Cesario ** Source: ''[[Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam]]'' (2010) * Santa? ** Who: Rowena Clyborn ** Source: ''Christmas...Again?!'' (2021) * Oh... (laughs) I was having so much fun, I almost forgot. You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you? ** Who: Mal ** Source: ''[[Descendants (2015 film)|Descentants]]'' (2015) * What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you? ** Who: Uma ** Source: ''[[Descendants 2]]'' (2017) * Hey, last one over the bridge... * ...Is a ROTTEN APPLE!!! ** Who 1: Carlos ** Who 2: The VKs ** Source: ''[[Descendants 3]]'' (2019) * Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! Whoo! ** Who: Troy Bolten * (post-credits:) I might even make you a creme brulee. ** Who: Zeke Baylor ** Source: ''[[High School Musical]]'' (2006) * No. Here's to right now. ** Who: Troy Bolten ** Source: ''[[High School Musical 2]]'' (2007) * ''[singing]'' All together makes it better! Memories that last forever! I want the rest of my life to feel just like a...High School Musical! ** Who: Troy Bolten, Gabrielle Montez, Ryan Evans, Sharpay Evans, Chad Danforth, and Taylor McKessie ** Source: ''[[High School Musical 3: Senior Year]]'' (2008) * So, things went back to normal. Or, at least as normal as the life of a high school crime fighter can be. It took some time and a mega amount of coding, but we stabilized Athena, flushed out Drakken's evil programming, and saved the good in her. Together, we formed a martial arts club, and now everyone at Middleton High wants to join. Well, almost everyone. And as for me, learning to be a better friend... Made me a better hero. ** Who: Kim Possible * (in-credits:) Okay. My new evil master plan to take down Kim Possible will be my tightest yet! ** Who: Young Dr. Drakken ** Source: ''Kim Possible'' (2019) * I just hope our new guitar player can keep up. ** Who: Olivia White ** Source: ''[[Lemonade Mouth (film)|Lemonade Mouth]]'' (2011) * Sing! ** Who: Brady ** Source: ''[[w:Teen Beach Movie|Teen Beach Movie]]'' (2013) * I'm Mack. ** Who: McKenzie / Mack ** Souce: ''[[w:Teen Beach 2|Teen Beach 2]]'' (2015) * Pretty soon, everyone forgot about the Sage way. That's the old way. The new way is to let kids be themselves. After all, everybody has their something. And letting everybody be the most of their something they can be? That's the ''real'' magic. ** Who: Nori Boxwood-Horace ** Source: ''Upside-Down Magic'' (2020) * Zander, this is Puppy. ** Who: Zoey ** Source: ''[[Zombies (2018 film)|Zombies]]'' (2018) * Weird... ** Who: Addison Wells ** Source: ''[[Zombies 2|Zombies 2]]'' (2020) === ''Ghostbusters'' series === * I love this town! Ha ha! ** Who: Winston Zeddmore * (in-credits:) I wanna go with them, in their car. ** Who: Louis Tully ** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1984) * No, I believe it's one of the Fettuccinis. ** Who: Peter Venkman * (in-credits:) Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! ** Who: Everyone ** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' (1989) === ''Goosebumps'' film series === * You forgot about me. ** Who: Invisible Boy ** Source: ''[[Goosebumps (film)|Goosebumps]]'' (2015) * You try living in a book for a while, Papa. ** Who: Slappy the Dummy * (in-credits:) Hiya! Look at my candle. ** Who: Pumpkin * (post-credits:) Slappy Halloween. [cackles] ** Who: Slappy the Dummy ** Source: ''[[Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween]]'' (2018) === ''Hannibal Lecter'' series === * Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? ** Who: Clarice Starling ** Source: ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991) === ''[[Harry Potter]]'' series === * I'm not going home. Not really. ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)|Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'' (2001) * Proud? They'll be furious! ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]'' (2002) * This came with it. ** Who 1: Hermione Granger * How fast does it go, Harry? ** Who 2: Random Gryffindor Student * Mischief managed. Nox. ** Who 3: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]'' (2004) * Yeah. Every week. ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)|Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire]]'' (2005) * Something worth fighting for. ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (film)|Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix]]'' (2007) * I never realized how beautiful this place was. ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]]'' (2009) * I want to bury him. Properly, without magic. ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]'' (2010) * Ready. ** Who: Albus Severus Potter * Bye! ** Who: Random Hogwarts Student on the train ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]'' (2011) * So yeah. It was...very...it was a very good ten years. ** Who: Daniel Radcliffe * After all this time? * Always. ** Who: Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore (Archival footage) ** Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022) === ''[[Home Alone]]'' series === * Kevin! What did you do to my room?! ** Who: Buzz McCallister ** Source: ''[[Home Alone]]'' (1990) * KEVIN! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!! ** Who: Peter McCallister ** Source: ''[[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (1992) === ''Independence Day'' films === * Yeah. ** Who: Dylan Dubrow-Hiller ** Source: ''[[Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day]]'' (1996) * We are gonna kick some serious alien ass. ** Who: Dr. Brakish Okun ** Source: ''[[Independence Day: Resurgence]]'' (2016) === ''[[Indiana Jones]]'' series === * Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. You know, a drink? ** Who: Marion Ravenwood ** Source: ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (1981) * Uh-oh! ** Who: Short Round ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]'' (1984) * Yes, sir. ** Who: Indiana Jones ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (1989) * Thanks, Ox. ** Who: Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' (2008) === ''Inspector Gadget'' films === * A happy ending. What could be better than true love? Ooh, cute little bug. Wait up, fraulein. Did you know I speak German? Fahrvergnugen, baby. ** Who: Gadgetmobile * (mid-credits:) All these fine people made me look good. ** Who: Gadgetmobile * (post-credits:) Good night, Riverton! ** Who: Gadgetmobile ** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget (film)|Inspector Gadget]]'' (1999) * GADGET!! ** Who: Chief Quimby and Mayor Wilson ** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget 2]]'' (2003) === ''[[James Bond]]'' films === * Throw us your line. ** Who: Felix Leiter ** Source: ''[[Dr. No]]'' (1962) * I'll show you. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[From Russia With Love]]'' (1963) * Oh, no, you don't. This is not time to be rescued. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Goldfinger]]'' (1964) * Get down! ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Thunderball]]'' (1965) * It will be a pleasure sir. ** Who: Miss Moneypenny ** Source: ''[[You Only Live Twice]]'' (1967) * Four, three, two. ** Who: Jimmy Bond ** Source: ''Casino Royale'' (1967) * It's no hurry, really. All the time in the world. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' (1969) * James, how do we get those diamonds down again? ** Who: Tiffany Case ** Source: ''[[Diamonds Are Forever]]'' (1971) * Just being disarming, darling. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Live and Let Die]]'' (1973) * Goodnight, sir. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun]]'' (1974) * Keeping the British end up, sir. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' (1977) * Why not? ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Moonraker]]'' (1979) * Bond, Bond, Bond! ** Who: Sir Frederick Gray ** Source: ''[[For Your Eyes Only]]'' (1981) * James. ** Who: Octopussy ** Source: ''[[Octopussy]]'' (1983) * Never? ** Who: Domino Petachi ** Source: ''[[Never Say Never Again]]'' (1983) * Oh, James. ** Who: Stacey Stutton ** Source: ''[[A View to a Kill]]'' (1985) * Oh, James. ** Who: Kara Milovy ** Source: ''[[The Living Daylights]]'' (1987) * So, why don't you ask me. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Licence to Kill]]'' (1989) * Darling, what could possibly go wrong, okay? ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[GoldenEye]]'' (1995) * Let's stay undercover. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' (1997) * I thought Christmas only comes once a year. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'' (1999) * Especially, when your bad. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (2002) * The names Bond. James Bond. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Casino Royale (2006 film)|Casino Royale]]'' (2006) * I never left. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' (2008) * With pleasure, M. With pleasure. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Skyfall]]'' (2012) * There's just one thing I need. ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Spectre (2015 film)|Spectre]]'' (2015) * I'm going to tell you a story...about a man. His name is Bond, James Bond. ** Who: Madeleine Swann ** Source: ''[[No Time To Die]]'' (2021) === ''Jaws'' series === * I can't imagine why. ** Who: Matt Hooper ** Source: ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' (1975) * Sure they did. ** Who: Brody ** Source: ''[[Jaws 2]]'' (1978) * All right! ** Who: Mike ** Source: ''[[Jaws 3-D]]'' (1983) * There they were, all hundred of them! ** Who: Hoagie ** Source: ''[[Jaws: The Revenge]]'' (1987) === ''Jumanji'' series === * What's that noise? ** Who: Emilie Reynaud ** Source: ''[[Jumanji]]'' (1995) * Smoldering. ** Who: Anthony "Fridge" Johnson ** Source: ''[[Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle]]'' (2017) * I don't know if we already agreed on that. ** Who: Anthony "Fridge" Johnson ** Source: ''[[Jumanji: The Next Level]]'' (2019) === ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' series === * Come on. ** Who: Dr. Alan Grant ** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' (1993) * It is absolutely imperative that we work with the Costa Rican Department of Biological Preserves to establish a set of rules for the preservation and isolation of that island. These creatures require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we could only step aside and trust in nature, life will find a way. ** Who: John Hammond ** Source: ''[[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]]'' (1997) * Let's go home. ** Who: Paul Kirby ** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park III]]'' (2001) * Probably stick together, for survival. ** Who: Owen Grady ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World]]'' (2015) * Welcome to Jurassic World. ** Who: Ian Malcolm ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]]'' (2018) === Marvel Cinematic Universe === * I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative. ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Iron Man (2008 film)|Iron Man]]'' (2008) * Who's "we"? ** Who: General Thunderbolt Ross ** Source: ''[[The Incredible Hulk (film)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' (2008) * Sir, we found it. ** Who: Agent Phil Coulson ** Source: ''[[Iron Man 2]]'' (2010) * Well, I guess that's worth a look. ** Who: Loki, via Erik Selvig ** Source: ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (2011) * Yeah. Yeah, I just... I had a date. ** Who: Steve Rogers ** Source: ''[[Captain America: The First Avenger]]'' (2011) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''The Avengers'', and thus not truly end the film. * To challenge them... is to court... death. ** Who: The Other ** Source: ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'' (2012) * I'm 14-years-old, and I still had a nanny. That was weird. ** Who: Tony Stark ** Source: ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' (2013) * One down, five to go. ** Who: The Collector ** Source: ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' (2013) * There is nothing more horrifying... than a miracle. ** Who: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker ** Source: ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'' (2014) * What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. Yeah! But it burns going down. ** Who: Howard the Duck ** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' (2014) * Fine, I'll do it myself. ** Who: Thanos ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (2015) * It's about damn time. ** Who: Hope van Dyne ** Source: ''[[Ant-Man (film)|Ant-Man]]'' (2015) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Captain America: Civil War'', and thus not truly end the film. * Hey, can you shut the door? ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' (2016) * Because I see at long last what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers. ** Who: Karl Mordo ** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' (2016) * Hey, fellas! Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get out of here? Hey! Oh, gee, I've got so many more stories to tell! Oh, guys! Oh, gee! ** Who: The Watcher Informant ** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'' (2017) * Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... How many more of these? ** Who: Steve Rogers / Captain America ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' (2017) ** Notes: Post-credit scene is a PSA recording of Captain America. * I just, I gotta say. I'm proud of you all. This revolution has been a huge success. Yay us! Pat-pat on the back. Pat on the back. Come on. No? Me too. 'Cause I've been a big part of it. Can't have a revolution without somebody to overthrow! So, ah, you're welcome. And, uh, it's a tie. ** Who: The Grandmaster ** Source: ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (2017) * Come, we have much to learn. ** Who: Shuri ** Source: ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (2018) * Oh, no. Motherf... ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'' (2018) * Hello? Ha-ha, very funny. Hank, quit screwing around. You told me yourself, not screw around. Hank? Hope? Janet? Guys... Guys? Be seriously, don't joke around! Bring me up, let's go! GUYS! ** Who: Scott Lang / Ant-Man ** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp]]'' (2018) * Where's Fury? ** Who: Captain Marvel ** Source: ''[[Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]'' (2019) * No. No, I don't think I will. ** Who: Steve Rogers ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' (2019) * Who's got my shoes? ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Far From Home]]'' (2019) * Oh yeah. You and me both. Believe me... you're gonna earn it. I've got your next target. Thought I'd hand-deliver it. Maybe you'd like a shot at the man responsible for your sister's death. Kind of a cutie, don't you think? ** Who: Valentina Allegra de Fontaine ** Source: ''[[Black Widow (2021 film)|Black Widow]]'' (2021) * Let's get started. We have a lot of work to do. ** Who: Xialing ** Source: ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' (2021) * Sure you’re ready for that, Mr. Whitman? ** Who: Mysterious Man ** Source: ''[[Eternals (film)|Eternals]]'' (2021) ** Note: The unseen man is identified off-screen as Eric Brooks / Blade. * And there he goes. Without paying the bills, no tips, nothing. ** Who: Bartender ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' (2021) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness'', and thus not truly end the film. * (laughs maniacally) It's over! ** Who: Pizza Poppa vendor (Bruce Campbell) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness]]'' (2022) === ''The Mask'' film series === * SSSMOKIN'! ** Who: Stanley Ipkiss ** Source: ''[[The Mask (film)|The Mask]]'' (1994) * What do you think about that Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound? ** Who: Tim Avery ** Source: ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' (2005) === ''[[The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' === * I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you. ** Who: Neo / Thomas A. Anderson ** Source: ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999) * Only one. ** Who: Roland ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (2003) * Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed. ** Who: The Oracle ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (2003) * Another chance. ** Who: Trinity ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Resurrections]]'' (2021) === ''Middle-Earth'' film series === * I'm glad you're with me. ** Who: Frodo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (2001) * Follow me. ** Who: Gollum ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002) * Well, I'm back. ** Who: Samwise Gamgee ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]]'' (2003) * You're right. I do believe the worst is behind us. ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey]]'' (2012) * What have we done? ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug]]'' (2013) * Welcome, welcome... ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies]]'' (2014) === ''Men in Black'' film series === * Not much of a disguise. ** Who: Agent L ** Source: ''[[Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]'' (1997) * Whoa. ** Who: Frank the Pug ** Source: ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * That was a close one. ** Who: Griffin ** Source: ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) * Yeah, got it. I'm gonna trust my gut. ** Who: Agent M ** Source: ''[[Men in Black: International]]'' (2019) === ''MonsterVerse'' === * Sweetie! ** Who: Elle Brody ** Source: ''[[Godzilla (2014 film)|Godzilla]]'' (2014) * This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is, how long before they take it back. Kong is not the only king. ** Who: Houston Brooks ** Source: ''[[Kong: Skull Island]]'' (2017) === ''National Treasure'' === * You'll figure it out. ** Who: Abigail Chase ** Source: ''[[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]]'' (2004) * I love this car. ** Who: Riley Poole ** Source: ''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets|National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' (2007) === ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' === * Drink up, me hearties, yo ho! ** who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' (2003) * So, tell me, what's become of my ship? ** who: Captain Hector Barbossa ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' (2006) * Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me... ** who: Henry Turner ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' (2007) * Savvy? ** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' (2011) * I have a rendezvous beyond my... Beloved horizon. ** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** Source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' (2017) === ''[[Planet of the Apes]]'' === * You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! ** Who: Captain George Taylor ** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968) * In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead. ** Who: Ending Voiceover ** Source: ''[[Beneath the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1970) * Mama? Mama? Mama? ** Who: Milo ** Source: ''[[Escape from the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1971) * But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes! ** Who: Caesar ** Source: ''[[Conquest of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1972) * Perhaps only the dead. ** Who: The Lawgiver ** Source: ''[[Battle for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1973) * Keep your hands up! ** Who: Police Ape 3 ** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001) * Okay. Caesar is home. Go. ** Who: Will Rodman ** Source: ''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2011) * I did, too. ** Who: Caesar ** Source: ''[[Dawn of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2014) * Caesar. ** Who: Maurice ** Source: ''[[War for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2017) === ''[[Power Rangers]]'' film series === * Wha-hoo, Yeah. ** Who: Fred Kelman * (mid-credits:) Uh-oh! ** Who: Goldar and Mordant ** Source: ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (1995) * Yeah, Woo! ** Who: Tommy Oliver * (mid-credits:) Shift into Turbo! ** Who: Tommy Oliver ** Source: ''[[Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie]]'' (1997) * This Ranger team did what my team could not. You will humbly walk amongst your peers, but heroes you all will be. Each of your names will be etched alongside the great Ranger teams before you. I will always owe a debt of gratitude to you all. ** Who: Zordon * (mid-credits:) It might've been my fault, It might've been my fault, I'm so sorry. ** Who: Billy Cranston ** Source: ''[[Power Rangers (2017 film)|Power Rangers]]'' (2017) === ''[[RoboCop]]'' === * Murphy. ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[RoboCop]]'' (1987) * Patience, Lewis. We're only human. ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' (1990) * My friends call me Murphy. You can call me... RoboCop! ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[Robocop 3]]'' (1993) === ''Scooby-Doo'' live action movies === * Looking for clues and kicking butt. ** Who: Velma Dinkley * (in-credits:) One, two, three! ** Who: Scooby-Doo and Shaggy Rogers ** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002) * Scooby-Dooby-Doo! ** Who: Scooby-Doo ** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004) === ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' === * That is 278 incredible, colossal credits! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love motion pictures! Wonderful! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ** Who: [[w:Count von Count|Count von Count]] ** Source: ''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' (1985) * Bye-bye! ** Who: [[w:Ernie (Sesame Street)|Ernie]] ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland]]'' (1999) === ''The Santa Clause'' film series === * Santa! ** Who: Laura Miller ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause]]'' (1994) * They're all in a straight line, Chet. Chet! CHET!! ** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 2]]'' (2002) * That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus. ** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause]]'' (2006) === ''[[w:The Smurfs in film|The Smurfs]]'' film series === * Smurfs. Smurfs! I wish I could quit you. Get out of here. What are you looking at? ** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]] ** Source: ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'' (2011) ** Note: He was stuck in New York City powerless and while the Smurfs went back to Smurf Village with victory and no Gargamel to bother him. * How dare you call me that? I have bungled nothing! Well, Paris is over, my friend. We're back here in the Dark Ages. I suggest you get used to it. Aw, you want room service? Why don't you yell out the window? Don't you show your claws to me unless you are prepared to use them, Mr Pussy Foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Stop it! Not the face! Not the face! ** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]] ** Source: ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'' (2013) ** Note: At the end when Gargamel blasts off into the air, he and Azrael gets sent back to the castle. They get into a fight and Azrael then attacks Gargamel with his claws. === ''Sony's Spider-Man Universe'' films === * When I get out of here - and I will - there's gonna be ''carnage''. ** Who: Cletus Kasady ** Source: ''[[Venom (film)|Venom]]'' (2018) ** Note: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse'', and thus not truly end the film. * (''Roomer: "Dude, what are you doing in my room?"'') Uh... I... ** Who: Eddie Brock ** Source: ''[[Venom: Let There Be Carnage]]'' (2021) * Intriguing. ** Who: Michael Morbius ** Source: ''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' (2022) === ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Sam_Raimi_films|Spider-Man]]'' [[Sam Raimi]] film series === * Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man. ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' (2002) * Whoo! Hoo-hoo! ** Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' (2004) * Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right. ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' (2007) === ''[[Star Trek]]'' === * Thataway! ** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979) * Space, the final frontier. ...These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. ...Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new worlds, ...to seek out new lifeforms and new civilisations. ...To boldly go where no man has gone before. ** Who: Spock ** Source: ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1982) * Yes. ** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' (1984) * Aye, sir!. ** Who: Lieutenant Sulu ** Source: ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' (1986) * Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.... ** Who: James T. Kirk, Spock & Dr. McCoy ** Source: ''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' (1989) * Captain's log, U.S.S. Enterprise, stardate 9529.1. This is the final cruise of the Starship Enterprise under my command. This ship and her history will shortly become the care of another crew. To them and their posterity will we commit our future. They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no man, where no one, ...has gone before. ** Who: Captain James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' (1991) * Picard to Farragut: Two to beam up. ** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (1994) * Make it so. ** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' (1996) * Energise. ** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' (1998) * ...going so right. ** Who: B-4 ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' (2002) * Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. ** Who: Spock Prime ** Source: ''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009) * Aye, Captain. ** Who: Lieutenant Sulu ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Into Darkness]]'' (2013) * To boldly go where no one has gone before. ** Who: Lieutenant Uhura ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Beyond]]'' (2016) === ''[[Star Wars]]'' === * He'll be all right. ** Who: Luke Skywalker ** Source: ''[[Star Wars (film)|Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' (1977) * Ow. ** Who: Luke Skywalker ** Source: ''[[The Empire Strikes Back|Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980) * He's my brother. ** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan ** Source: ''[[Return of the Jedi|Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' (1983) * Ya-hoo! ** Who: Jar-Jar Binks ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' (1999) * Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen; Begun, the Clone War has. ** Who: Yoda ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' (2002) * Oh, no. ** Who: C-3PO ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]'' (2005) * May the Force be with you. ** Who: General Leia Organa-Solo ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens]]'' (2015) * Hope. ** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan ** Source: ''[[Rogue One]]'' (2016) * Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. ** Who: Temiri Blagg ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi]]'' (2017) * No, I'm telling ya, it's gonna be great. When have I ever steered you wrong? ** Who: Han Solo ** Source: '' [[Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]'' (2018) * Rey Skywalker. ** Who: Rey ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' (2019) === ''[[Superman]]'' === * No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night. ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' (1978) * Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again. ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman II]]'' (1980) * Giorgio, per favore. Que grazie. ** Who: Pisa Vendor ** Source: ''[[Superman III]]'' (1983) * No. It's the same as it's always been, Luthor. On the brink. With good fighting evil. See you in twenty. ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' (1987) * I'm always around. Good night, Lois. ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman Returns]]'' (2006) === ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' film series === * I made a funny! [laughs] ** Who: Splinter ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1990) * I made another funny! [laughs] ** Who: Splinter ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' (1991) * Get down! ** Who: Michaelangelo ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time]]'' (1993) * I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life! ** Who: Michaelangelo ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2014) * Normal...what fun is that? ** Who: Raphael ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows]]'' (2016) === ''[[Terminator (franchise)|Terminator]]'' === * I know. ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[The Terminator]]'' (1984) * The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too. ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' (1991) * By the time SkyNet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers all across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms, everywhere. It was software, in cyberspace. There was no system core. It could not be shut down. The attack began at 6:18 P.M. just as he said it would. Judgment Day. The day the human race was nearly destroyed by the weapons they built to protect themselves. I should have realized our destiny was never to stop Judgment Day; it was merely to survive it. Together. The Terminator knew. He tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know. All I know is what the Terminator taught me. Never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun. ** Who: John Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]'' (2003) * There is a storm on the horizon. A time of hardship and pain. The battle has been won, but the war against machines rages on. Skynet's global network remains strong, but we will not quit, until all of it is destroyed. This is John Connor. There is no fate but what we make. ** Who: John Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator Salvation]]'' (2009) * It was over. Skynet was gone. Now, one road has become many. Though questions remain, We'll search for the answers together. But, one thing we know for sure, The future is not set. ** Who: Kyle Reese ** Source: ''[[Terminator Genisys]]'' (2015) * Then you need to be ready. ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]'' (2019) === ''Top Gun'' film series === * I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far. ** Who: Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell ** Source: ''[[Top Gun]]'' (1986) === ''[[X-Men]]'' film series === * And I will always be there, old friend. ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]'' (2000) * Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It is how we have evolved from a single-cell organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few millennia evolution leaps forward. ** Who: Jean Grey ** Source: ''[[X2: X-Men United]]'' (2003) * Charles? ** Who: Moira MacTaggert ** Source: ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand]]'' (2006) * Shhh. ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool * No. I'm drinking to remember. ** Who: Logan ** Source: ''[[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]'' (2009) ** Notes: Two alternate post-credits scenes were shown at different screenings. The last line alternates depending on which version was shown. * I prefer... ''Magneto''. ** Who: Erik Lehnsherr ** Source: ''[[X-Men: First Class]]'' (2011) * As I told you a long time ago, you're not the only with gifts. ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''[[The Wolverine]]'' (2013) * En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. ** Who: Apocalypse's worshippers ** Source: ''[[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]'' (2014) * I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh! ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool * (post-credits:) You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. The sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, bionic arm, time-travel, we have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat-top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows, anyway big secret shhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around, it's a total dick move. Go. ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool ** Source: ''[[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]'' (2016) * Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school, whatever your parents taught you, none of that matters! You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men! ** Who: Mystique ** Source: ''[[X-Men: Apocalypse]]'' (2016) * "There's no living with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley." ** Who: Laura ** Source: ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' (2017) ** Notes: Laura is quoting ''[[w:Shane (film)|Shane]]'' as a eulogy for Logan. * You're welcome, Canada. ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool ** Source: ''[[Deadpool 2]]'' (2018) * No, you won't. ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''Dark Phoenix'' (2019) * Inside every person there are two bears. One bear is all the good things, compassion, love trust. The other is all the bad things, fear, shame, self-destruction. I asked, “Which one wins?” He answered, ‘The one you feed.” ** Who: Danielle “Dani” Moonstar / Mirage ** Source: ''The New Mutants'' (2020) [[Category:Last lines]] nl688r8w00dpioc34bu4nsymc8794zt 0 217154 3155579 3135799 2022-08-17T13:56:59Z 2600:1007:B024:4DF8:9977:A9F0:8253:D695 /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|The Secret Life of Pets 2}}''''' (in 100 minutes release on Signature Edition) is a [[w:2019 in film|2019]] American 3D computer animated comedy film that continues the story of Max and his pet friends, following their secret lives after their owners leave them for work or school each day. It is the sequel to ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' and the second feature film in the franchise. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]. Written by [[w:Brian Lynch (writer)|Brian Lynch]].'' <center>'''They still have their secrets.'''</center> == Max == * ''[from trailer]'' I gotta admit, this is nice. * I'm going to find my inner Rooster. == Duke == * So many smells I've never smelled before! My nose is so confused, and happy! == Sergei == * ''[dog growls]'' Alright doggy, bring it... ''[dog bites butt]'' Whoa! ''[screams]'' == Snowball == * It's snow-time, baby. * I just freed a tiger. That's not bragging, I'm just saying what happened. When you're awesome, everything you say sounds like bragging. * ''[to Max]'' Tiny-dog! == Daisy == * My name is Daisy, and I really got to talk to him. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but a poor defenseless animal needs saving. I need Captain Snowball for a top secret mission. == Katie == * Hey, Maxie, let's say we go for a walk. * ''[taking Max to the vet]'' You've been so stressed lately, but this vet is going to help you. == Rooster == * Guy's got 2 things in this life: his water bowl and his dignity. You take one, you take the other. == Chuck == * ''[as Duke wags his tail at his and Katie's faces; laughing]'' Oh, Duke, stop it! == Liam == * I love you, Max. == Dialogue == :'''Snowball''': I'm gonna be the first rabbit with washboard glutes. I’m not even sure what glutes are, but, mine are gonna be shredded! :'''Chloe:''' Oh, yeah, That’s, uh... that’s fascinating. :'''Snowball''': Let me tell you something! Criminals are gonna take one good look at my glutes, and they're just gonna give up! Okay, this is obviously glued to the floor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gidget''': ''[about Max's favorite toy, Busy Bee]'' Oh, I just love him immediately. It's like we're his parents. It's like you're the dad and I'm the mom, and we're in a relationship and this is our baby. :'''Max''': Well, uh... :'''Gidget''': It's exactly like that. Exactly! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pops''': My owner got a new puppy. :'''Tiny:''' My name's Tiny. :'''Pops''': Nobody cares! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pops''': Oh, hello, Snowball. :'''Snowball:''' Hi, Pops. What’s going on? :'''Pops''': Oh, you know, just returning your giant tiger. Oh, fun fact. ''He trashed my apartment!'' This thing ate a flat screen like it was a pita chip! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rooster''': The first step of not being afraid is acting like you're not afraid, so... are you scared? :'''Max:''' No… :'''Rooster''': ''Are'' you ''scared''?! :'''Max:''''' No! ''No, I'm not! :'''Rooster''': Now, you're talking! == Cast == * [[Patton Oswalt]] — Max * [[w:Kevin Hart|Kevin Hart]] — Snowball * [[Harrison Ford]] — Rooster * [[w:Eric Stonestreet|Eric Stonestreet]] — Duke * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Gidget * [[w:Tiffany Haddish|Tiffany Haddish]] — Daisy * [[w:Lake Bell|Lake Bell]] — Chloe * [[w:Dana Carvey|Dana Carvey]] — Pops * [[w:Bobby Moynihan|Bobby Moynihan]] — Mel * [[w:Hannibal Buress|Hannibal Buress]] — Buddy * [[w:Chris Renaud (animator)|Chris Renaud]] — Norman * [[w:Ellie Kemper|Ellie Kemper]] — Katie * [[w:Pete Holmes|Pete Holmes]] — Chuck * Henry Lynch — Liam * [[w:Nick Kroll|Nick Kroll]] — Sergei (death; [[The Secret Life of Pets|The Secret Life of Pets 3]]) * [[w:Sean Giambrone|Sean Giambrone]] — Cotton * [[w:Meredith Salenger|Meredith Salenger]] — Cat Lady * [[w:Michael Beattie (actor)|Michael Beattie]] — Lead Wolf * [[w:Michael Beattie (actor)|Michael Beattie]] — Skinny Cat * Kiely Renaud — Molly == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|5113040}} * {{Official website|http://www.thesecretlifeofpets.com}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Secret Life Of Pets 2, The}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about rabbits and hares]] [[Category:Tiger films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Chris Renaud films]] 43yt88d0xbw9imbnypoq14fnhuxc8hx 0 219779 3155624 3152435 2022-08-17T20:05:01Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] a8uvzywz5rhs06r3ry0tk6ribtb8doq 3155627 3155624 2022-08-17T20:12:51Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2022 */ cited defence of Boris Johnson from "The Telegraph" website wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] qhqcxifs1p4pr1s0mttapmnjzmzjo2n 3155628 3155627 2022-08-17T20:13:23Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2022 */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] syntbwxfwr1h431e1lvcobf8tsj2a2z 3155630 3155628 2022-08-17T20:22:13Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2019 */ + quote from leaked speech wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Truss 2016.jpg|thumb|Liz Truss]] '''[[w:Liz Truss|Mary Elizabeth Truss]]''' (born 26 July 1975), known as '''Liz Truss''', is a British politician who has served as [[w:Foreign Secretary|Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs]] since September 2021. Previously she held posts as [[w:Secretary of State for International Trade|Secretary of State for International Trade]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]] from July 2019 in [[Boris Johnson]]'s cabinet. Following the resignation of [[Amber Rudd]], she gained the additional position as the [[w:Minister for Women and Equalities|Minister for Women and Equalities]] in September 2019. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], she has been the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:South West Norfolk (UK Parliament constituency)|South West Norfolk]] since the [[w:2010 United Kingdom general election|2010 United Kingdom general election]]. Truss was [[w:Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs|Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs]] from 2014 to 2016, [[w:Secretary of State for Justice|Secretary of State for Justice]] and [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor]] from 2016 to 2017 and [[w:Chief Secretary to the Treasury|Chief Secretary to the Treasury]] from 2017 to 2019. In the [[w:2022 Conservative Party leadership election (UK)|2022 Conservative Party leadership election]], she is a candidate to succeed [[w:Boris Johnson|Boris Johnson]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom == Quotes == === 1994 === *I agree with [[Paddy Ashdown]] when he said everybody in Britain should have the chance to be a somebody. But only one family can provide the head of state. We Liberal Democrats believe in opportunity for all. We believe in fairness, common sense. We believe in referenda on major constitutional issues. We do not believe that people should be born to rule, or that they should put up and shut up about decisions that affect their everyday lives. **{{cite web |title=Liz Truss speech at 1994 Liberal Democrat conference| date=20 September 1994 |url=https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/video/liberal-democrats-conference-day-2-17-00-18-27-england-news-footage/1409915271 |website=Getty Images |access-date=21 July 2022}} === 2014 === *Two-thirds of the apples and nine-tenths of the pears that we eat are imported, not to mention two thirds of the cheese. And that is a disgrace. From the apple that dropped on Isaac Newton’s head to the orchards of nursery rhymes, this fruit has always been a part of Britain. I want our children to grow up enjoying the taste of British apples as well as Cornish sardines, Norfolk turkey, Melton Mowbray pork pies, Wensleydale cheese, Herefordshire pears and of course black pudding. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/conservative-conference-an-apple-a-day-is-good-for-the-economy-if-it-s-british-9762300.html Speech] delivered at the Conservative Party Conference (29 September 2014). === 2016 === *EU membership brings economic security, peace and stability **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35980571 EU referendum: Government to spend £9m on leaflets to every home] ''BBC News'' (7 April 2016). *We should all raise a toast to our biggest export success. Europe has a taste for Scotch and the industry will do better if we remain in the EU because whisky producers have hassle-free, easy access to the single market of 500 million people. The Scotch whisky industry has strong global trade links beyond Europe in America and Asia, and their business leaders are clear that the EU single market provides the best conditions to reach even greater heights. Leaving the EU would be a leap in the dark for our great British food and drink industry and could lead to years of negotiations on new trade deals - with no guarantees at the end. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-36246718 Brexit 'risks Scotch whisky exports'] ''BBC News'' (9 May 2016). *What people in the Leave campaign are saying is 'We can have our cake and eat it'. We can't. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *If we didn't have quotas there would be overfishing and we would have no fish left. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I would rather be at the table making decisions with other countries than walking away and not having a say. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36512743 EU referendum: Leavers 'want to have cake and eat it', Elizabeth Truss claims] ''BBC News'' (12 June 2016). *I don't want my daughters to grow up in a world where they need a visa or permit to work in Europe, or where they are hampered from growing a business because of extortionate call costs and barriers to trade. Every parent wants their children to grow up in a healthy environment with clean water, fresh air and thriving natural wonders. Being part of the EU helps protect these precious resources and spaces. **{{cite news |url=https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |title=EU referendum: Liz Truss leads female ministers' drive for women to vote In |author=Nicholas Cecil |work=Evening Standard |date=16 June 2016 |access-date=21 December 2021 |archive-date=28 June 2022 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20220628153244/https://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/eu-referendum-liz-truss-leads-female-ministers-drive-for-women-to-vote-in-a3273351.html |url-status=live}} === 2017 === *The fact is it is a simple bill on whether we trigger Article 50. The British people have voted for that and was clear in the referendum. The House of Lords now needs to get on with it. I fully expect the House of Lords will recognise the will of the people and the House of Commons. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-39020252 Brexit: Mandelson urges Lords not to 'throw in towel'] ''BBC News'' (19 February 2017). === 2019 === * I voted against a delay to Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47576813 Brexit: MPs vote by a majority of 211 to seek delay to EU departure] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2019). * The Brexit deal is the best deal for food producers **[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6984377/You-forward-no-one-says-Tory-MP-Liz-Truss.html ‘You have to put yourself forward no one else will’] ''Daily Mail'' (12 May 2019). *If it came down to a straight choice of revoking Brexit and a no-deal, I would choose no-deal. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c8nq32jwj1qt/elizabeth-truss Elizabeth Truss] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2019). *[On no deal when leaving the EU] To say there are no plans for this and it would be a disaster is wrong, we are prepared for an exit on the 31st October. What we need now is to have the political leadership to follow through on that and I believe that Boris Johnson is the person capable of that political leadership and making that happen. **[https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/national-news/17724667.liz-truss-boris-campaign-job-prime-minister/ Speaking] on Radio 5 Live, cited by ''The Herald'' (Glasgow) (23 June 2019). *Is there anything more sexist than claiming your gender determines your worldview/behaviour/attitude? **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49321430 Brexit: Caroline Lucas criticised over all-female cabinet plan] ''BBC News'' (12 August 2019). *[The UK and South Korea trade agreement will let businesses] keep trading as they do today, and they will be able to take advantage of the opportunities that Brexit offers **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-49430207 UK and South Korea sign 'continuity' trade agreement] ''BBC News'' (22 August 2019). * I once wrote a book about this which got mischaracterised – British workers produce less per hour than … and that’s a combination of kind of skill and application.<br> [...] If you look at productivity, it’s very, very different in London from the rest of the country. But basically … this has been a historical fact for decades. Essentially it’s partly a mindset and attitude thing, I think. It’s working culture, basically. If you go to China it’s quite different, I can assure you<br>[...] There’s a fundamental issue of British working culture. Essentially, if we’re going to be a richer country and a more prosperous country, that needs to change. But I don’t think people are that keen to change that.<br>There’s a slight thing in Britain about wanting the easy answers. That’s my reflection on the election and what’s gone before it, and the referendum – we say it’s all Europe that’s causing these huge problems … it’s all these migrants causing these problems. But actually what needs to happen is more … more graft. It’s not a popular message. **[https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/aug/16/leaked-audio-reveals-liz-truss-said-british-workers-needed-more-graft From a leaked recording of a 2019 speech] quoted by Pippa Crerar in ''The Guardian'' (16 August 2022). === 2022 === *I feel like I’m a child of the union, I really believe we’re a family and we’re better together and I think the best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is ignore her. [...] She’s an attention seeker, that’s what she is. **[https://www.scotsman.com/news/politics/nicola-sturgeon-is-an-attention-seeker-best-ignored-claims-liz-truss-3789988 Comments in Exeter] in a discussion about an unconfirmed second Scottish independence referendum. Reported in ''The Scotsman'' (1 August 2022) *Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the Queen, Parliament and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the Covid vaccine and he delivered on standing up to Vladimir Putin and backing the Ukrainians. I am proud of what he did. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Truss, Liz}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:People from Oxford]] 0wj8ww63lalvxp35rn58mzi1wvw2lzg 0 222516 3155758 2828002 2022-08-18T03:55:53Z 37.110.215.105 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Antonio Fresco in Wynwood 2019.jpg|thumb|I enjoy DJing and watching people having fun, but now, I am throwing my music in the mix, and to watch people enjoy themselves and let go to something you created, is an out of this world feeling.]] '''[[w:Antonio Fresco|Antonio Fresco]]''' (born '''[[w:Antonio Fresco|Miguel Antonio Matos]]''' on [[September 1]], [[1983]]), is an American DJ, record producer and radio personality. == Quotes == * We gotta grow with the times, things have got to change. You know, sometimes the old rules don't apply anymore. And now...you know, we need some new rules. ** When asked about the decriminalization of marijuana in [[Texas]] [https://www.dfwnorml.org/2012/12/dj-m-squared-interview "DFW Norml Interview"] by [[w:NORML|NORML]] (20 December 2012) * I know paper straws are better for the environment and I’m all for that. But for the love of everything that is under the sun, can we agree that paper straws actually SUCK more than the person using them? We gotta do better than this! ** [https://twitter.com/djantoniofresco/status/1199086440031956993 ''Twitter'' statement about environmental impact of plastic straws.] (25 November 2019) ===[https://companyrules.home.blog/2019/05/27/welcome-guest-dj-antonio-fresco/ Company Rules Interview] (2019)=== :<small> Interview by ''Company Rules'' magazine (27 May 2019)</small> * I enjoy DJing and watching people having fun, but now, I am throwing my music in the mix, and to watch people enjoy themselves and let go to something you created, is an out of this world feeling. * The type of artist I am now is so much more focused, verses before, things were all over the place. I was chasing “what was hot” or what I thought the “next sound” was in music. But I was disregarding how I truly felt about the music. Now all that just background noise to me, and I’m all about expressing who I am. ** When asked about finding his life purpose. * When I find myself not knowing what to do, that’s when I do nothing and wait until I can hear that voice again, and suddenly, things are clicking again, and I am in that FLOW! ** When asked about listening to yourself. == Song lyrics == ===''[https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Clayton-William-Jonn-Hart-Antonio-Fresco/Blow-It Blow It]'' 2015=== * I got that white girl<br>No-scrimnate<br>Chocolate lemon red velvet<br>I eat all the cake<br>They outside hating<br>Cause they can't get in<br>The whole city's out<br>We maxed it to ten. ** Written by Antonio Fresco, [[w:Jonn Hart|Jonn Hart]], and Clayton William ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-lose-myself-lyrics Lose Myself]'' (2017)=== * And you...<br>You pull my heart off the shelf,<br>I wanna lose myself.<br>And you....<br>It can't be nobody else,<br>I wanna lose myself<br>You make me wanna lose myself. ** Written by Antonio Fresco, Wes Joseph, and Devin O'Bannon ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-after-party-lyrics After Party After Party]'' (2017)=== * They say you ain't gotta go home<br>But you, you gotta get out of here.(Yeah)<br>But the energies on right now…<br>And there's some thing in this atmosphere.<br>So party on disregard it.<br>The night is over, lights are on,<br>But party on and disregard it.<br>The night is over lights are on,<br>But party on, it's an after party. ** Written by Antonio Fresco and Devin O'Bannon ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-patricia-possollo-rattlesnake-lyrics Rattlesnake]'' (2019)=== * You are welcome in my mind<br>Follow me we're going deeper<br>To a place thats hard to find<br>Tell me, can you keep a secret<br>I know I know<br>Something you dont know<br>I know how to shake<br>To turn you on<br>Dont put on the breaks<br>Lemme keep it rolling<br>Can you keep it going? ** Written by Antonio Fresco, Patricia Possollo, Lorena J'zel [https://muzlyrics.net/antonio-fresco/lose-myself.html Lyrics Antonio Fresco - Lose Myself]== External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} *[http://www.antoniofresco.com Official website] * [https://www.imdb.com/name/nm9790501/ Profile at IMDb] * [https://instagram.com/djantoniofresco Antonio Fresco on Instagram] * [https://twitter.com/djantoniofresco Antonio Fresco on Twitter] {{DEFAULTSORT:Fresco, Antonio}} [[Category:1983 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Radio personalities]] [[Category:People from Maryland]] s414m9uzvehcvf2j0mqnpae6ms8djwe 3155759 3155758 2022-08-18T03:58:47Z Kalki 71 remove SPAM link to site of unsourced lyrics — Undo revision 3155758 by [[Special:Contributions/37.110.215.105|37.110.215.105]] ([[User talk:37.110.215.105|talk]]) wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Antonio Fresco in Wynwood 2019.jpg|thumb|I enjoy DJing and watching people having fun, but now, I am throwing my music in the mix, and to watch people enjoy themselves and let go to something you created, is an out of this world feeling.]] '''[[w:Antonio Fresco|Antonio Fresco]]''' (born '''[[w:Antonio Fresco|Miguel Antonio Matos]]''' on [[September 1]], [[1983]]), is an American DJ, record producer and radio personality. == Quotes == * We gotta grow with the times, things have got to change. You know, sometimes the old rules don't apply anymore. And now...you know, we need some new rules. ** When asked about the decriminalization of marijuana in [[Texas]] [https://www.dfwnorml.org/2012/12/dj-m-squared-interview "DFW Norml Interview"] by [[w:NORML|NORML]] (20 December 2012) * I know paper straws are better for the environment and I’m all for that. But for the love of everything that is under the sun, can we agree that paper straws actually SUCK more than the person using them? We gotta do better than this! ** [https://twitter.com/djantoniofresco/status/1199086440031956993 ''Twitter'' statement about environmental impact of plastic straws.] (25 November 2019) ===[https://companyrules.home.blog/2019/05/27/welcome-guest-dj-antonio-fresco/ Company Rules Interview] (2019)=== :<small> Interview by ''Company Rules'' magazine (27 May 2019)</small> * I enjoy DJing and watching people having fun, but now, I am throwing my music in the mix, and to watch people enjoy themselves and let go to something you created, is an out of this world feeling. * The type of artist I am now is so much more focused, verses before, things were all over the place. I was chasing “what was hot” or what I thought the “next sound” was in music. But I was disregarding how I truly felt about the music. Now all that just background noise to me, and I’m all about expressing who I am. ** When asked about finding his life purpose. * When I find myself not knowing what to do, that’s when I do nothing and wait until I can hear that voice again, and suddenly, things are clicking again, and I am in that FLOW! ** When asked about listening to yourself. == Song lyrics == ===''[https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Clayton-William-Jonn-Hart-Antonio-Fresco/Blow-It Blow It]'' 2015=== * I got that white girl<br>No-scrimnate<br>Chocolate lemon red velvet<br>I eat all the cake<br>They outside hating<br>Cause they can't get in<br>The whole city's out<br>We maxed it to ten. ** Written by Antonio Fresco, [[w:Jonn Hart|Jonn Hart]], and Clayton William ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-lose-myself-lyrics Lose Myself]'' (2017)=== * And you...<br>You pull my heart off the shelf,<br>I wanna lose myself.<br>And you....<br>It can't be nobody else,<br>I wanna lose myself<br>You make me wanna lose myself. ** Written by Antonio Fresco, Wes Joseph, and Devin O'Bannon ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-after-party-lyrics After Party After Party]'' (2017)=== * They say you ain't gotta go home<br>But you, you gotta get out of here.(Yeah)<br>But the energies on right now…<br>And there's some thing in this atmosphere.<br>So party on disregard it.<br>The night is over, lights are on,<br>But party on and disregard it.<br>The night is over lights are on,<br>But party on, it's an after party. ** Written by Antonio Fresco and Devin O'Bannon ===''[https://genius.com/Antonio-fresco-patricia-possollo-rattlesnake-lyrics Rattlesnake]'' (2019)=== * You are welcome in my mind<br>Follow me we're going deeper<br>To a place thats hard to find<br>Tell me, can you keep a secret<br>I know I know<br>Something you dont know<br>I know how to shake<br>To turn you on<br>Dont put on the breaks<br>Lemme keep it rolling<br>Can you keep it going? ** Written by Antonio Fresco, Patricia Possollo, Lorena J'zel == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} *[http://www.antoniofresco.com Official website] * [https://www.imdb.com/name/nm9790501/ Profile at IMDb] * [https://instagram.com/djantoniofresco Antonio Fresco on Instagram] * [https://twitter.com/djantoniofresco Antonio Fresco on Twitter] {{DEFAULTSORT:Fresco, Antonio}} [[Category:1983 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Record producers from the United States]] [[Category:Radio personalities]] [[Category:People from Maryland]] 40on28tg62sj7c7og66eoo60g123dd1 0 224950 3155723 3118375 2022-08-18T01:34:32Z 1.152.104.123 /* H */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vis2.jpg|thumb|[[Severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2]] (SARS-CoV-2)]] The '''{{w|COVID-19 pandemic}}''' is an ongoing [[pandemic]] of [[coronavirus disease 2019]] (COVID-19), caused by [[severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2]] (SARS-CoV-2). This disease was declared a [[pandemic]] by the [[World Health Organization]] on 11 March 2020. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== * [The COVID-19 pandemic is] most certainly not over. We lower our guard at our peril. : Declining testing and sequencing means we are blinding ourselves to the evolution of the virus. :* [[Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus]] [https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/covid-pandemic-who-1.6462742 The COVID-19 pandemic is 'most certainly not over,' WHO's health chief say] (Posted: May 22, 2022 1:02 PM ET | Last Updated: 9 hours ago) * "...developed countries are as naïve as developing countries in facing this crisis. One distinct feature of Asia Pacific and South Asia is high population and high population density, which makes them harder to manage..." ** Dr {{w|Shamshad Akhtar}}, as quoted in [https://www.thenews.com.pk/print/651894-developed-developing-countries-equally-naive-to-face-covid-19-crisis " 'Developed, developing countries equally naïve to face COVID-19 crisis' "] (30 April 2020) by Rasheed Khalid, ''{{w|The News International}}'' * و وباء #كورونا يجتاح العالم مهددا للبشريةندعو مجلس الأمن والأمين العام للأمم المتحدة انتونيو غوتيرش @antoniojuterres<br />لايقاف القوى المعتدية عن عدوانها على الشعب اليمني وفك الحصار عليه<br />فالوباء ينتشر بكافة أنحاء العالم ويجب أن تنعم شعوب العالم بالسلام وتتمكن من مكافحة الوباء الخطير ** As Coronavirus has invaded the world and is threatening humanity, we ask [[w:United Nations Security Council|UN security council]] and also the [[w:Secretary-General of the United Nations|UN secretary general]] [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]] to stop aggressive forces from attacking Yemeni people and end [[w:Yemeni Civil War (2015–present)|the siege of the country]]. The virus is spreading all over the world and nations of the world should have peace to fight with this dangerous virus. *** [[Mohammed Ali al-Houthi]], [https://twitter.com/Moh_Alhouthi/status/1242028208490414080?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw on a Twitter post] (23 March 2020). [https://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2020/mar/23/coronavirus-live-updates-uk-us-italy-germany-europe-outbreak-cases-meetings-bans-update-latest-news?page=with:block-5e78dedd8f08e46329cb44ff#block-5e78dedd8f08e46329cb44ff Translated] by ''[[The Guardian]]'' ==B== [[File:Doomsday_Clock_graph.svg|thumb|The hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] remain at 100 seconds to midnight, as close to midnight as ever. The lethal and [[fear]]-inspiring COVID-19 pandemic serves as a historic ‘wake-up call,’ a vivid illustration that national governments and international organizations are unprepared to manage the truly [[civilization]]-ending threats of [[nuclear weapons]] and [[climate change]]. ~ Rachel Bronson]] * You know, one of the things that continues to bother us in the way in which the moderators don’t even bring up an issue that, before COVID-19, was impacting 43% of this nation. A hundred forty million people, before COVID, were poor and low-wealth, and 62 million people working for less than a living wage. And since COVID, we know that millions have been added to the poverty and low-wealth numbers. We’re well over 50% because of the new poor. We know we had 87 million people before COVID that were either uninsured or underinsured, and now some 20 million people have been added because of people who have lost their insurance because they’ve lost their jobs. Forty percent of the jobs that make $40,000 a year have been lost. ** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''DemocracyNow''], (8 October 2020) * We have to stop saying things were well before COVID. It’s almost as though we give that away to the Trump and Pence. The reality is, Wall Street was well. The reality is, those who got his tax cuts were well. The reality is, though, that before COVID, they were trying to overturn healthcare. Before COVID, they were blocking living wages. Before COVID, we were not addressing the issue of poor and low-wealth people. ** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''DemocracyNow''], (8 October 2020) * When we look at COVID-19, we know that the fissures of systemic racism and systemic poverty have actually allowed this pandemic to have a greater hold on our American society. We know that when we talk about death, we have to be exact, that it’s not just people are dying, poor people are dying. People who make less than $50,000 a year are dying. People are dying who are among the poor, whether it be white, Black —disproportionately among Black and Brown and Indigenous people, and that COVID has killed more people in the U.S. than Americans were killed in battle in five of our most recent wars — Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, the War in Afghanistan and the Persian Gulf War. I mean, this is what we’re talking about when we’re talking about this devastation that’s happening among poor and low-wealth people. ** [[Rev. William Barber II]] quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/10/8/mike_pence_kamala_harris_vp_debate Rev. William Barber: Millions Are Struggling. So Why Do the Debates Ignore Poverty?, ''DemocracyNow''], (8 October 2020) * Most, though obviously not all, vaccine mandates were nothing more than a bluff. Remember, evil always prefers your consent through submission. Threatening consequences, but not following through on the threat, has proven to be a moderately effective way to obtain compliance among the weak-willed and weak-minded. Learn to recognize the patterns. Pattern recognition is prediction. ** [[W:Vox Day|Theodore Beale]], [https://voxday.net/2022/02/17/they-were-always-bluffing/ They Were Always Bluffing], ''Vox Popoli'', 17 February 2022 * The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has been caught on numerous occasions engaging in statistical manipulation in order to drive up a perpetual state of fear among Americans – all with the aim of coaxing people to get the Covid-19 ‘vaccine.’ But one thing the CDC appears entirely unwilling to do is to document the ways that natural immunity has made the vaccines redundant at best, and harmful at worst, for those who were previously infected. ** Kyle Becker, [https://beckernews.com/busted-cdc-unable-to-document-a-single-case-of-covid-transmitted-from-a-previously-infected-person-to-another-42990/ CDC Unable to Document a Single Case of Covid Transmitted from a Previously Infected Person to Another], ''Becker News'', 14 November 2021 * It is these very conditions that facilitate the emergence of new infectious diseases and that also inflict horrific harms on animals — being kept in confined conditions and then butchered. Simply put, the coronavirus pandemic is a result of our gross maltreatment of animals. ** [[David Benatar]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/13/opinion/animal-cruelty-coronavirus.html "Our Cruel Treatment of Animals Led to the Coronavirus"] (13 April 2020), ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' * .. the ban, pending government approval, would last 14 days. Officials hope that within that period there will be more information on how effective [[COVID-19 vaccines]] are against Omicron, which was first detected in [[South Africa]] and has been dubbed a "variant of concern" by the [[World Health Organization]] ** Statement from [[Naftali Bennett]] '''[https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/israel-ban-entry-foreigners-all-countries-over-omicron-2021-11-27/ Israel to ban entry of foreigners from all countries over Omicron]''' (November 28, 2021) * Like humans, pathogens do not respect species boundaries. Overall, nearly eight billion people, many with advanced technologies and rapacious appetites, are tearing ecosystems apart and within these ecosystems live millions of different kinds of viruses, bacteria, and other pathogens. As {{w|Sonia Shah}} observes in her book ''Pandemic'', society operates with an erroneous paradigm of disease, treating diseases as foreign invaders into our territory (a mentality she describes as “microbial xenophobia”), when in fact we are the invading species encroaching on the habitat and communities of animals and ecosystems. It is wrong to say that these diseases are happening to us, rather they are the unintended results of what we are doing to the natural world. Speculations about accidental laboratory origins of outbreaks and COVID-19 conspiracy plots of bioterrorism draw attention away from actual systemic structures and dynamics of human exploitation of nature, especially as driven by the growth-addicted world system of [[capitalism]]. Hardly unexpected or accidental, viral outbreaks are the inevitable consequences of human growth and expansion. All too often, we are the causes, not effects, the culprits, not victims, of pandemic-inducing pathogens. ** [[Steven Best]], [https://drstevebest.wordpress.com/2020/05/21/how-to-destroy-civilization-covid-19-and-the-exploitation-of-animals-and-the-earth/ "How To Destroy Civilization: COVID-19 and the Exploitation of Animals and the Earth"] (23 June 2020) * From the beginning of my presidency, I’ve been very clear-eyed that we need to attack this virus globally, not just at home, because it’s in America’s self-interest to do so. <br> The virus knows no boundaries. You can’t build a wall high enough to keep it out. ** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/08/03/remarks-by-president-biden-on-fighting-the-covid-19-pandemic/ “Remarks by President Biden on Fighting the COVID-⁠19 Pandemic”], ''Whitehouse.gov'', (8/3/2021). * The next level of covid escalation is questioning the justified existence of citizens that refuse to be vaccinated. It is with some irony that we are seeing the expert class increasingly sound like dissident political pundit Stefan Molyneux: “The time for arguments has passed.” Any concerns that once existed about the individual rights of those concerned about covid vaccines—including those who have a natural immunity to the virus from prior exposures—are quickly being dismissed by those in power. ** Tho Bishop, [https://mises.org/wire/covid-tyranny-destroys-myth-liberal-democracy Covid Tyranny Destroys the Myth of "Liberal Democracy"], ''Mises Institute'', August 2021 * The people of Norway celebrated the end of coronavirus restrictions on Sunday after an abrupt announcement from the prime minister. ** Paul Bois, [https://www.breitbart.com/europe/2021/09/27/norway-celebrates-end-of-coronavirus-restrictions/ Norway Celebrates End of Coronavirus Restrictions], ''Breitbart'', 27 September 2021 * When the [[w:United Nations Security Council|UN security council]] and the [[w:Group of Seven|G7 group]] sought to agree a global response to the coronavirus pandemic, the efforts stumbled on the US insistence on describing the threat as distinctively Chinese... the focus on labelling the virus Chinese and blaming [[COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China|China]] pursued by the US secretary of state, [[Mike Pompeo]], helped ensure there would be no meaningful collective response from the world's most powerful nations...<br />For some US allies, the fixation on words at a time when the international order was arguably facing its greatest challenge since the [[World War II|second world war]] encapsulated the glaring absence of US leadership. And that absence was illustrated just as vividly by news coverage of planes full of medical supplies from China arriving in Italy, at a time when the US was quietly flying in half a million Italian-made diagnostic swabs for use in its own under-equipped health system and [[Donald Trump]] was on the phone to the [[Moon Jae-in|South Korean president]] pressing him to send [[COVID-19 testing|test kits]]. ** [[Julian Borger]], ''[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/29/us-awol-from-world-stage-as-china-tries-on-global-leadership-for-size "US awol from world stage as China tries on global leadership for size]'' (29 March 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * The hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] remain at 100 seconds to midnight, as close to midnight as ever. The lethal and [[fear]]-inspiring COVID-19 pandemic serves as a historic ‘wake-up call,’ a vivid illustration that national governments and international organizations are unprepared to manage the truly [[civilization]]-ending threats of [[nuclear weapons]] and [[climate change]]. ** Rachel Bronson as quoted by Gayle Spinazze, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'', (January 27, 2021) ==C== [[File:Lee Camp, Rosario Dawson &amp; Mark Bartlett (27878598131) (Lee Camp cropped).jpg|thumb|The pandemic shutdown has shown us the problem. It has revealed what the world looks like without as much pollution, without the chaos and roar of mostly meaningless "work" performed by the exploited, using materials stolen from the abused, for the benefit of the pampered and oblivious. Another world is possible, and we've just gotten a glimpse of it. ~[[Lee Camp]]]] * This pandemic is not just a crisis, it's also a gift. It allows us the oxygen to notice the things we've been ignoring were the truly essential:<br />– Learning and creating<br />– Enjoying clean water, clean air, clean food, and making sure every human has that right<br />– Forming a world that will last longer than an [[w:NFL regular season|NFL season]]<br />– Spending a lot of time with your beautiful family (or a little time with an unsightly one)<br />Point is — the stuff that truly matters is the stuff we were completely ignoring, blithely pushing it to the back of our minds as our planet is eaten for corporate profit. But now, during "life on hold" the natural world reclaims spaces. Beaches around the globe teem with millions of birds and wildlife, no longer flooded by undulating masses of fleshy apes with our frisbees, and snorkels, and beer coolers and entitlement. ** [[Lee Camp]], [https://consortiumnews.com/2020/04/23/lee-camp-pandemic-is-not-just-a-crisis-its-also-a-gift/ "Lee Camp: Pandemic is Not Just a Crisis, It's Also a Gift"] (23 April 2020), ''Consortium News'' * Like [[cancer]], [[capitalism]] grows until it murders the host body. During this pandemic shutdown, it's not getting the growth it needs and parts of it are becoming benign... For years...we've been lost in the frenetic pace of lives based on non-events, never pausing to reassess or recess. The spastic motion of avoidance filled the ether — afraid if we stop to truly think about it, we may find our scant few years of [[consciousness]] are pissed away as slaves at often meaningless jobs. They, the pustulant corporate owners, suck away our lives... And now, with life on holiday, we see almost none of it was essential... As our planet disintegrates under the weight of consumption and greed, most people are trapped in extreme poverty. And that's how the system of capitalism is designed. Slightly altering capitalism will not change this reality... If we take away the false promises of capitalism and just say to people, "Private luxury is only for a few humans. You will never have it and won't even have the chance at getting it" – if we admit that – then the entire justification for capitalism evaporates... The pandemic shutdown has shown us the problem. It has revealed what the world looks like without as much pollution, without the chaos and roar of mostly meaningless "work" performed by the exploited, using materials stolen from the abused, for the benefit of the pampered and oblivious. Another world is possible, and we've just gotten a glimpse of it. ** [[Lee Camp]], [https://consortiumnews.com/2020/04/23/lee-camp-pandemic-is-not-just-a-crisis-its-also-a-gift/ "Lee Camp: Pandemic is Not Just a Crisis, It's Also a Gift"] (23 April 2020), ''Consortium News'' * The [[Coronavirus]] is serious enough but it's worth recalling that there is a much greater horror approaching, we are racing to the edge of disaster, far worse than anything that's ever happened in human history... the corona virus is a horrible... can have terrifying consequences but there will be recovery, while the others won't be recovered... If we don't deal with them we're done. ** [[Noam Chomsky]]: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-N3In2rLI4 Coronavirus - What is at stake?] | [[W:Democracy in Europe Movement 2025|''Democracy in Europe Movement 2025'' (DiEM25) ]] 28 Mar 2020 * The scale of the plague is surprising, indeed shocking, but not its appearance. Nor the fact that [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|the U.S.]] has the worst record in [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United States#Government responses|responding]] to the [[w:Health crisis|crisis]]. Scientists have been warning of a pandemic for years, insistently so since the [[w:2002–2004 SARS outbreak|SARS epidemic]] of 2003, also caused by a {{w|coronavirus}}, for which [[w:Severe acute respiratory syndrome#Vaccine|vaccines]] were [[w:Economics of vaccines|developed]] but did not proceed beyond the pre-clinical level. That was the time to begin to put in place [[w:Rapid response system|rapid-response systems]] in [[w:Crisis management#Preparation and prevention|preparation]] for an outbreak and to set aside spare capacity that would be needed. Initiatives could also have been undertaken to develop defenses and modes of treatment for a likely recurrence with a related virus. But scientific understanding is not enough. There has to be someone to pick up the ball and run with it. That option was barred by the pathology of the contemporary {{w|socioeconomic}} [[Social order|order]]. [[Market]] signals were clear: There’s no [[profit]] in preventing a future [[catastrophe]]. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}'' * There will be recovery from the COVID-19 crisis, at severe and possibly horrendous [[w:Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic|cost]], particularly for [[w:Social impact of the COVID-19 pandemic#Coronavirus and inequality|the poor and more vulnerable]]. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] in an interview with C.J. Polychroniou, ''[https://truthout.org/articles/chomsky-ventilator-shortage-exposes-the-cruelty-of-neoliberal-capitalism/ Chomsky: Ventilator Shortage Exposes the Cruelty of Neoliberal Capitalism]'' (April 1, 2020), ''{{w|Truthout}}'' *Covid-19 has revealed glaring failures and monstrous brutalities in the current capitalist system. It represents both a crisis and an opportunity. Contests for controlling the narratives around the meaning of this pandemic will be the terrain of struggle for either a new, more humane common sense and society or a return to the status quo ante. The outcome of those contests is uncertain; everything depends on the actions that people take into their hands. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] and Marv Waterstone, ''Consequences of Capitalism: Manufacturing Discontent and Resistance'' (2021), p. 344 * Put your hand on that television set. Hallelujah. Thank you, Lord [[Jesus]]. He received your healing. Now say it: "I take it. I have it. It's mine. I thank you and praise you for it. [...] I consider not symptoms in my own body, but only that which [[God]] has promised. Only that what the Word has said. And by His stripes, I was healed. And by His stripes, I am healed now. I am not the sick trying to get healed. I am the healed, and the [[Devil]] is trying to give me the flu!" ** {{w|Kenneth Copeland}}, {{#formatdate:2020-03-12}}, quoted in {{citation |title=A controversial televangelist actually attempted to heal people with coronavirus through their televisions |author=Greg Evans |periodical=indy100 |url=https://www.indy100.com/article/coronavirus-televangelist-kenneth-copeland-heal-watch-video-9397886}} ==D== * Covid has switched from just being a disease that may kill off portions of a firm’s workforce to a useful political weapon. It is a political weapon. Citigroup announced they will fire unvaccinated employees by the end of January. We now know the vaccines do not stop transmission. The Supreme Court rules on vaccine mandates soon. Citi itself likely has a significant slice of employees working remote. What purpose does it serve but to fire politically unreliable employees? ** Henry Delacroix, [https://theamericansun.com/2022/01/11/resetting-the-corporate-world/ Resetting the Corporate World], ''The American Sun'', 11 January 2022 * You may qualify for up to two weeks of health-related financial assistance IF you have been active on the DoorDash platform for at least 30 days AND have completed at least 30 deliveries in the last 30 days (counting back from the date medical documentation was acquired) AND you fulfill at least one of the following health-related requirements... ** [[Doordash]] '''[https://help.doordash.com/dashers/s/article/COVID-19-Financial-Assistance-Program?language=en_US COVID-19 Financial Assistance Programs for Dashers]''' * Sweden, a country which never imposed significant lockdown measures, has officially declared that the COVID-19 pandemic is “over” and announced that it will be lifting all remaining restrictions. ** Tyler Durden, [https://www.zerohedge.com/covid-19/sweden-declares-pandemic-be-over Sweden Declares The Pandemic To Be "Over"], ''ZeroHedge'', 9 February 2022 * Children born during the pandemic score markedly lower on standard measures of verbal, motor, and overall cognitive ability, US researchers have found. ** Owen Dyer, [https://www.bmj.com/content/374/bmj.n2031 Covid-19: Children born during the pandemic score lower on cognitive tests, study finds], ''[[W:The BMJ|The BMJ]]'', 16 August 2021 ==G== * Humanity continues to suffer as COVID-19 spreads around the world. In 2020 alone, this novel disease killed 1.7 million people and sickened at least 70 million more. The pandemic reveals just how unprepared and unwilling countries and the international system are to handle global emergencies properly. In this time of crisis, governments too often abdicated responsibility, ignored scientific advice, cooperated or communicated ineffectively, and consequently failed to protect the public health and welfare of their citizens. ** Asha M. George as quoted by Gayle Spinazze, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'', (January 27, 2021) * I've never seen a particular situation during my professional experience anything like this... **[[W:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]], long-time Chair of the [[Federal Reserve]], talking about the [[COVID pandemc]] according to [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/alan-greenspan-i-ve-never-seen-anything-like-this/ar-BB1baxSp?li=BBnbcA1 Alan Greenspan: I've never seen anything like this] published November 20, 2020 * I'm not convinced at all that we have enough information to know how to deal with this type of problem **[[W:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]], long-time Chair of the [[Federal Reserve]], talking about the [[COVID pandemc]] according to [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/alan-greenspan-i-ve-never-seen-anything-like-this/ar-BB1baxSp?li=BBnbcA1 Alan Greenspan: I've never seen anything like this] published November 20, 2020 * We missed our previous routines, meetings and parties, living as we are, without being afraid of each other because of the virus and infection. ** [[w:Maguy Bou Ghosn|Maguy Bou Ghosn]], 3 May 2020 <ref>https://www.hiamag.com/مشاهير/حوارات/1358016-ماغي-بو-غصن-للموت-لا-يشبه-أي-عمل-آخر-وسحر-قدمتني-في-قالب-جديد-ومختلف</ref> * The most commonly reported [[mainstream media]] account of the creation of the Coronavirus suggests that it was derived from an animal borne microorganism... But there appears to be some evidence to dispute that... Because of that and other factors, there has also been considerable speculation that the Coronavirus did not occur naturally through mutation but rather was produced in a laboratory, possibly as a [[w:biological warfare|biological warfare agent.]]<br />Several reports suggest that there are components of the virus that are related to [[HIV/AIDS|HIV]] that could not have occurred naturally. If it is correct that the virus had either been developed or even produced to be weaponized it would further suggest that its escape from the [[w:Wuhan Institute of Virology|Wuhan Institute of Virology Lab]] and into the animal and human population could have been accidental. Technicians who work in such environments are aware that "leaks" from laboratories occur frequently. ** [[Philip Giraldi]], [https://councilforthenationalinterest.org/?p=5230 "Who Made Coronavirus? Was It the U.S., Israel or China Itself?"] (6 March 2020), ''{{w|Council for the National Interest}}'' * There is, of course and inevitably, another theory. There has been some speculation that as the Trump Administration has been constantly raising the issue of growing Chinese global competitiveness as a direct threat to American national security and economic dominance, it must might be possible that Washington has created and unleashed the virus in a bid to bring Beijing's growing economy and military might down a few notches. It is, to be sure, hard to believe that even the Trump White House would do something so reckless, but there are precedents for that type of behavior. ** [[Philip Giraldi]], [https://councilforthenationalinterest.org/?p=5230 "Who Made Coronavirus? Was It the U.S., Israel or China Itself?"] (6 March 2020), ''{{w|Council for the National Interest}}'' * The coronavirus pandemic and the environmental crisis share the same roots: humans' success as a species in arrogating global resources for themselves and the consequent ecological disturbance. This is increasing viral exchanges – first from animal to human, then from human to human – on a pandemic scale. Our environmental footprint is too large for the planet, leading to [[W:Holocene extinction|accelerated species extinctions]] and atmospheric chaos. Both the Covid and climate catastrophes are not misfortunes that befell us. They are part of a pattern of [[decisions]] that we humans are taking. We need to make different [[choices]]. ** ''[[The Guardian]]'', [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/may/22/the-guardian-view-on-climate-and-covid-time-to-make-different-choices "The Guardian view on climate and Covid: time to make different choices"] (22 May 2020) * [A] pandemic thrives on human [[inequities]] and it is inextricable from the society, economy, knowledge, and politics of human existence. During any [[w:Disease outbreak|infection outbreak]] such as COVID–19, it is the [[poorer]] and weaker fractions of a society that remain [[w:Health equity|disproportionately affected]] and ultimately bear an additional burden of early death. ** Surya Gupta and [[Armin Rosencranz]], [https://www.jurist.org/commentary/2020/05/gupta-rosencranz-india-sustainable-dev-goals-covid19/ "COVID-19, the Government’s Response, and India’s Sustainable Development Goals"] (22 May 2020), edited by Tim Zubizarreta, ''{{w|JURIST}}'' * This is not the [[flu]], like Sajid Javid seems to suggest. Please tell me when flu has led to 400,000 people having chronic [[disability]] in a period of 16 months ... why would we want to expose so much of our population to herd immunity through natural infection when we have safe and effective [[vaccines]] that could be given to them in the coming weeks. ** Deepti Gurdasani in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/05/uk/england-covid-gamble-gbr-intl/index.html “England takes a big Covid-19 gamble as Johnson sets out plan to scrap lockdown rules”], by Lauren Said-Moorhouse, Sarah Dean and Duarte Mendonca, CNN, (Updated 2:14 PM ET, Mon July 5, 2021) * Sadly, the deadly impact of the pandemic has been made worse by the absence of a global coordinated effort. In the memory of those two million souls, the world must act with far greater solidarity ** [[António Guterres]] in [https://www.cnn.com/world/live-news/coronavirus-pandemic-vaccine-updates-01-15-21/h_6d3c9c5cd07587445672d1737edeef97 "UN secretary general calls on nations to share vaccines as world surpasses 2 million Covid-19 deaths"], (January 15, 2021) ==H== * The arrival of the [[COVID-19]] pandemic in early 2020, unfolding around the world as I write these words, will likely be remembered as an epochal shift. In this extended winter, [[Travel restrictions related to the COVID-19 pandemic|as borders close]], as {{w|lockdown}}s and {{w|quarantines}} multiply, as people [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Deaths|succumb]] and recover, there is a strong sense that, when the spring finally arrives we will awaken in a drastically changed landscape. ** [[Max Haiven]], [https://roarmag.org/essays/no-return-to-normal-for-a-post-pandemic-liberation/ "No return to normal: for a post-pandemic liberation"] (23 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * Those of us now in [[w:Isolation (health care)|isolation]], in spite of our fear and frustrations, in spite of our grief ⁠— for those who have died or may die, for the life we once lived, for the future we once hoped for ⁠— there is also a sense we are cocooned, transforming, waiting, dreaming. True: Terrors stalk the global landscape, notably the way the virus ⁠— or our countermeasures ⁠— will endanger those among us whom we, as a society, have already abandoned or devalued. So many of us are already disposable. So many of us are only learning it now, too late. Then there is the dangerous blurring of the line between [[humanitarian]] and [[authoritarian]] measures. There is the geopolitical weaponization of the pandemic. But when the Spring comes, as it must, when we emerge from hibernation, it might be a time of profound global struggle against both the drive to "return [[Status quo|to normal]]" ⁠— the same normal that set the stage for this tragedy ⁠— and the "new normal" which might be even worse. Let us prepare as best we can, for we have a world to win. ** [[Max Haiven]], [https://roarmag.org/essays/no-return-to-normal-for-a-post-pandemic-liberation/ "No return to normal: for a post-pandemic liberation"] (23 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * After months of chaos, isolation and fear, the desire to return to normal, even if normal is an [[w:Structural abuse|abusive system]], may be extremely strong. The stage is set for this desire to be accompanied by a frantic {{w|revanchism}}. Will we want someone to blame, especially those of us who lose loved ones? Must there be blood, figurative or literal?: a baptism by fire so that the old order ⁠— which, of course, created the conditions of [[austerity]] and [[inequality]] that made this plague so devastating⁠ — can be reborn in purified form. Of course, things will never be "normal" again: some of us, the [[w:Social privilege|privileged]] and wealthy, may be afforded the illusion, but this illusion is likely to be carried on the backs of the vast majority who will work harder, longer and for less, suffer greater risks and fewer rewards. The [[debts]] of the pandemic, literal and figurative, will have to be repaid. On the other hand ⁠— or maybe at the same time ⁠— we can also expect that, among [[Elite|the powerful]] and among the rest of us, there will be calls to reject the "return to normal," but in order to embrace something even worse. It is likely that the chaos and deaths of the pandemic will be blamed on too much [[democracy]], [[liberalism]] and [[empathy]]. Now that states are flexing their muscles and [[Totalitarianism|taking full command]] of [[society]], there will be many who do not want the sleeve to be rolled back down. We may yet see, in this crisis, the use of [[w:Political repression|repressive]] force on {{w|civilian}}s ⁠— as it is already being used on [[Immigration#Discrimination|migrants]] and [[w:Prisoner abuse|incarcerated people]] ⁠— and I fear that it will be seen by many as justified, a {{w|human sacrifice}} to feed the Gods of [[w:Culture of fear#In politics|fear]]. In the wake of the pandemic we can be sure that [[fascists]] and {{w|reactionaries}} will seek to mobilize tropes of ⁠— racial, national, economic ⁠— purity, purification, parasitism, and pollution to impose their long-festering dreams on reality. ** [[Max Haiven]], [https://roarmag.org/essays/no-return-to-normal-for-a-post-pandemic-liberation/ "No return to normal: for a post-pandemic liberation"] (23 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * Against all these fateful outcomes there will be those among us who refuse to return to normal, or to embrace the "new normal," those of us who know that "the trouble with normal is it only gets worse." Already, in the {{w|state of emergency}} that the crisis has unleashed, we are seeing extraordinary measures emerge that reveal that much of the [[neoliberal]] regime's claims to necessity and austerity were transparent lies. The God-like market has fallen, again. In different places a variety of measures are being introduced that would have been unimaginable even weeks ago. These have included the suspension of rents and mortgages, the free provision of public transit, the deployment of basic incomes, a hiatus in debt payments, the commandeering of privatized hospitals and other once-public infrastructure for the public good, the liberation of incarcerated people, and governments compelling private industries to reorient production to common needs. We hear news of significant numbers of people [[refusing to work]], taking [[w:Wildcat strike action|wildcat labor action]], and demanding their right to live in [[w:Radical politics|radical]] ways. In some places, the underhoused are [[w:Squatting|seizing vacant homes]]. We are discovering, against the upside-down capitalist value paradigm which has enriched the few at the expense of the many, whose labor is truly valuable: care, service, and frontline public sector workers. There has been a proliferation of [[Grassroots movement|grassroots]] radical demands for policies of care and [[solidarity]] not only as emergency measures, but in perpetuity. ** [[Max Haiven]], [https://roarmag.org/essays/no-return-to-normal-for-a-post-pandemic-liberation/ "No return to normal: for a post-pandemic liberation"] (23 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * Meanwhile, the quarantined and semi-isolated are discovering, [[w:Internet activism|using digital tools]], new ways to mobilize to provide care and [[Mutual aid (organization theory)|mutual aid]] to those in our communities in need. We are slowly recovering our lost powers of life in common, hidden in plain sight, our secret inheritance. We are learning again to become a [[Cooperation|cooperative]] species, shedding the claustrophobic skin of {{w|homo oeconomicus}}. In the suspension of a capitalist order of competition, distrust and endless, pointless hustle, our ingenuity and [[compassion]] are resurfacing like the birds to the smog-free sky. When the Spring arrives, the struggle will be to preserve, enhance, network and organize this ingenuity and compassion to demand no return to normal and no new normal. [...] We have learned how to bring a capitalist economy to its knees through [[non-violent protest]] in the face of overwhelming, technologically augmented oppression. We are learning how to become ungovernable by either states or markets. Equally important, we have learned new ways to care for one another without waiting for the state or for [[authorities]]. We are rediscovering the power of mutual aid and solidarity. We are learning how to communicate and cooperate anew. We have learned how to organize and to respond quickly, how to make collective decisions and to take responsibility for our fate. Like the heroes of all good epics, we are not ready, our training was not completed, yet fate will not wait. Like all true heroes, we must make do with what we have: one another and nothing else. As the world closes its eyes for this strange, dreamlike quarantine ⁠— save of course for those frontline health, service and care workers who, in the service of humanity, cannot rest, or those who have no safe place to dream ⁠— we must make ready for the waking. We are on the cusp of a great refusal of a return to normal and of a new normal, a vengeful normalcy that brought us this catastrophe and that will only lead to more catastrophe. In the weeks to come, it will be time to mourn and to dream, to prepare, to learn, and to connect as best we can. When the isolation is over, we will awaken to a world where competing regimes of vindictive normalization will be at war with one another, a time of profound danger and opportunity. It will be a time to rise and to look one another in the eye. ** [[Max Haiven]], [https://roarmag.org/essays/no-return-to-normal-for-a-post-pandemic-liberation/ "No return to normal: for a post-pandemic liberation"] (23 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * In the face of the COVID-19 tsunami, our lives are changing in ways that were inconceivable just a few short weeks ago. Not since the [[Financial crisis of 2007–08|2008–9 economic collapse]] has the world collectively shared an experience of this kind: a single, rapidly mutating global [[crisis]], structuring the rhythm of our daily lives within a complex calculus of risk and competing probabilities. In response, numerous [[social movements]] have put forward demands that take seriously the potentially disastrous [[w:Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on politics|consequences]] of the virus, while also tackling [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|the incapacity]] of [[capitalist]] governments to adequately [[w:Crisis management|address the crisis]] itself. These demands include questions of [[w:Workplace safety|worker safety]], the necessity of [[w:Community organizing|neighborhood-level organizing]], {{w|income}} and [[social security]], the [[w:Labor rights|rights]] of those on {{w|zero-hour contract}}s or in [[w:Precarious work|precarious employment]], and the need to protect renters and those living in [[poverty]]. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * In this sense, the COVID-19 crisis has sharply underscored the irrational nature of [[health care]] systems [[w:Healthcare industry|structured]] around [[Corporation|corporate]] [[profit]] — the almost universal cutbacks to {{w|public hospital}} staffing and infrastructure (including [[w:Intensive care unit|critical care beds]] and {{w|ventilator}}s), the lack of {{w|public health}} provision and the prohibitive cost of access to medical services in many countries, and the ways in which the [[w:Property rights (economics)|property rights]] of [[pharmaceutical companies]] serve to restrict widespread access to potential therapeutic treatments and the [[w:Vaccine#Economics of development|development of vaccines]]. However, the global dimensions of COVID-19 have figured less prominently in much of the left discussion. [...] Even inside [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Europe|Europe]] there is extreme unevenness in the capacity of states to deal with this crisis — as the juxtaposition of [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Germany|Germany]] and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Greece|Greece]] illustrates — but a much greater disaster is about to envelop the rest of the world. In response, our perspective on this pandemic must become truly global, based on an understanding of how the {{w|public health}} aspects of this virus intersect with larger questions of [[w:Economic impact of the COVID-19 pandemic|political economy]] (including the likelihood of a prolonged and severe [[w:Coronavirus recession|global economic downturn]]). This is not the time to pull up the (national) hatches and speak simply of the fight against the virus inside our own borders. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * As with all so-called [[humanitarian crises]], it is essential to remember that the social conditions found across most of the countries of the South are the direct product of how these states are inserted into the [[hierarchies]] of the {{w|world market}}. Historically, this included a long encounter with [[w:Western world|Western]] [[colonialism]], which has continued, [[Neocolonialism|into contemporary times]], with the subordination of [[Developing country|poorer countries]] to the interests of the world's [[Developed country|wealthiest states]] and largest [[transnational corporations]]. [...] Foregrounding these historical and global dimensions helps make clear that the enormous scale of the current crisis is not simply a question of [[w:Virology|viral]] {{w|epidemiology}} and a lack of {{w|biological resistance}} to a {{w|novel pathogen}}. The ways that most people across [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Africa|Africa]], Latin America, the Middle East, and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Asia|Asia]] will experience the coming pandemic is a direct consequence of a [[global economy]] systemically [[w:Exploitation colonialism|structured around]] the [[w:Exploitation of natural resources|exploitation of the resources]] and [[w:Exploitation of labour|peoples]] of the South. In this sense, the pandemic is very much a social and [[w:Anthropogenic hazard|human-made disaster]] — not simply a calamity arising from natural or biological causes. One clear example of how this disaster is human-made is the poor state of public {{w|health system}}s across most countries in the South, which tend to be underfunded and [[Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic|lacking]] in adequate medicines, equipment, and staff. This is particularly significant for understanding the threat presented by COVID-19 due to the rapid and very large surge in serious and critical cases that typically require hospital admission as a result of the virus (currently estimated at around 15–20 percent of confirmed [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Cases|cases]]). This fact is now widely discussed in the context of Europe and the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|United States]], and lies behind the strategy of "[[w:Flatten the curve|flattening the curve]]" in order to alleviate the pressure on hospital [[w:Intensive care unit|critical care capacity]]. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * Yet, while we rightly point to the [[w:Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Intensive care beds|lack of ICU beds]], [[w:Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Mechanical ventilation|ventilators]], and trained medical staff across many Western states, we must recognize that the situation in most of the rest of the world is immeasurably worse. [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Malawi|Malawi]], for example, has about 25 ICU beds for a population of 17 million people. There are less than 2.8 critical care beds per 100,000 people on average across [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in South Asia|South Asia]], with [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Bangladesh|Bangladesh]] possessing around 1,100 such beds for a population of over 157 million (0.7 critical care beds per 100,000 people). In comparison, the shocking pictures coming out of [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Italy|Italy]] are occurring in an advanced [[health care]] system with an average 12.5 ICU beds per 100,000 (and the ability to bring more online). The situation is so serious that many [[poorer countries]] do not even have information on ICU availability. [...] Of course, the question of ICU and [[w:List of countries by hospital beds|hospital capacity]] is one part of a much larger set of issues including a widespread lack of basic resources (e.g., clean water, food, and electricity), adequate access to primary medical care, and the presence of other {{w|comorbidities}} (such as high rates of [[HIV]] and [[tuberculosis]]). Taken as a whole, all of these factors will undoubtedly mean a vastly higher prevalence of critically ill patients (and hence overall fatalities) across poorer countries as a result of COVID-19. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * Debates around how best to respond to COVID-19 in Europe and the United States have illustrated the mutually reinforcing relationship between effective public health measures and conditions of labor, [[precarity]], and poverty. Calls for people to [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Self-isolation|self-isolate]] when sick — or the enforcement of longer periods of mandatory [[w:COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns|lockdowns]] — are economically impossible for the many people who cannot easily shift their [[w:Telecommuting|work online]], or those in the service sector who work in {{w|zero-hour contracts}} or other kinds of [[temporary employment]]. Recognizing the fundamental consequences of these work patterns for public health, many European governments have announced sweeping promises around compensation for those made [[w:Economic impact of the COVID-19 pandemic#Unemployment|unemployed]] or forced to stay at home during this crisis. It remains to be seen how effective these schemes will be, and to what degree they will actually meet the needs of the very large numbers of people who will lose their jobs as a result of the crisis. Nonetheless, we must recognize that such schemes will simply not exist for most of the world's population. In countries where the majority of the labor force is engaged in {{w|informal work}} or depends upon unpredictable daily wages — much of the Middle East, Africa, Latin America, and Asia — there is no feasible way that people can choose [[w:Social distancing measures related to the COVID-19 pandemic|to stay home or self-isolate]]. This must be viewed alongside the fact that there will almost certainly be very large increases in the "{{w|working poor}}" as a direct result of the crisis. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * Without the mitigation effects offered through {{w|quarantine}} and isolation, the actual progress of the disease in the rest of the world will certainly be much more devastating than the harrowing scenes witnessed to date in China, Europe, and the United States. Moreover, workers involved in informal and precarious labor often live in slums and {{w|overcrowded}} housing — ideal conditions for the explosive spread of the virus. [...] Similarly disastrous scenarios face the many millions of people currently displaced through war and conflict. The Middle East, for example, is the site of the largest {{w|forced displacement}} since the [[w:World War II evacuation and expulsion|Second World War]], with [[w:Refugee crisis|massive numbers of refugees]] and [[w:Internally displaced person|internally displaced people]] as a result of the ongoing wars in countries such as [[w:Syrian civil war|Syria]], [[w:Yemeni Civil War (2015–present)|Yemen]], [[w:Libyan Civil War (2014–present)|Libya]], and [[w:Iraqi insurgency (2017–present)|Iraq]]. Most of these people live in {{w|refugee camps}} or overcrowded urban spaces, and often lack the rudimentary {{w|rights to health care}} typically associated with [[citizenship]]. The widespread prevalence of {{w|malnutrition}} and other diseases (such as the [[w:2016–2020 Yemen cholera outbreak|reappearance of cholera in Yemen]]) make these displaced communities particularly susceptible to the virus itself. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * One microcosm of this can be seen in the [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the State of Palestine|Gaza Strip]], where over 70 percent of the [[w: Demographics of the Gaza Strip|population]] are [[w:Palestinian refugees|refugees]] living in one of the most [[w:Population density|densely]] packed areas in the world. The first two cases of COVID-19 were identified in [[Gaza]] on March 20 (a lack of testing equipment, however, has meant that only 92 people out of the 2-million-strong population have been tested for the virus). Reeling from thirteen years of [[w:Blockade of the Gaza Strip|Israeli siege]] and the systematic destruction of essential infrastructure, living conditions in the Strip are marked by {{w|extreme poverty}}, poor [[w:Water supply and sanitation in the State of Palestine|sanitation]], and a chronic lack of drugs and medical equipment (there are, for example, only sixty-two ventilators in Gaza, and just fifteen of these are currently available for use). Under blockade and closure for most of the past decade, Gaza has been shut to the world long before the current pandemic. The region could be the proverbial canary in the COVID-19 coalmine — foreshadowing the future path of the infection among refugee communities across the Middle East and elsewhere. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * It is not enough to speak of [[solidarity]] and mutual {{w|self-help}} in our own neighborhoods, communities, and within our {{w|national borders}} — without raising the much greater threat that this virus presents to the rest of the world. Of course, [[w:Extreme poverty|high levels of poverty]], [[w:Precarious work|precarious conditions of labor]] and [[w:Housing inequality|housing]], and a lack of adequate health infrastructure also threaten the ability of populations across Europe and the United States to mitigate this infection. But [[grassroots]] campaigns in the South are building coalitions that tackle these issues in interesting and [[internationalist]] ways. Without a global orientation, we risk reinforcing the ways that the virus has seamlessly fed into the discursive political rhetoric of {{w|nativist}} and [[xenophobic]] movements — a politics deeply seeped in [[authoritarianism]], an obsession with {{w|border control}}s, and a "[[Isolationism|my country first]]" [[Nationalism|national]] [[patriotism]]. ** [[Adam Hanieh]], [https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/4623-this-is-a-global-pandemic-let-s-treat-it-as-such "This is a Global Pandemic – Let's Treat it as Such"] (27 March 2020), ''{{w|Verso Books}}'' * More than 40 percent of pregnant women who participated in Pfizer’s mRNA COVID vaccine trial suffered miscarriages, according internal Pfizer documents, recently released under court order. Despite this, Pfizer, and the Biden administration insisted that the vaccines were safe for pregnant women. Out of 50 pregnant women, 22 of them lost their babies, according to an analysis of the documents. ** Debra Heine, [https://amgreatness.com/2022/08/16/report-44-percent-of-pregnant-women-in-pfizer-trial-lost-their-babies-fda-and-cdc-recommended-jabs-for-expectant-mothers-anyway/ Report: 44 Percent of Pregnant Women in Pfizer Trial Lost Their Babies; FDA and CDC Recommended Jabs For Expectant Mothers Anyway], 16th August 2022 * As the coronavirus epidemic stretches on, working people are facing [[2020 stock market crash|an economic collapse]], the likes of which have not been seen since the [[Great Depression]]. Organizing to fight for an immediate ban on all layoffs has to be an essential part of any program to protect the [[working class]] and to make the capitalist's pay for their crisis. ** [[James Dennis Hoff]], [https://www.leftvoice.org/freeze-layoffs-make-the-capitalists-pay "Freeze Layoffs: Make the Capitalists Pay"] (23 March 2020), ''Left Voice'' * as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the official Covid narrative is finally falling apart, or is being hastily disassembled, or historically revised, right before our eyes. The “experts” and “authorities” are finally acknowledging that the “Covid deaths” and “hospitalization” statistics are artificially inflated and totally unreliable ** [[W:CJ Hopkins|Christopher Hopkins]], [https://consentfactory.org/2022/01/18/the-last-days-of-the-covidian-cult/ The Last Days of the Covidian Cult], ''Consent Factory'', 18 January 2022 ==J== * “We’re not trying to go for zero Covid,” Ashish Jha, dean of the Brown University School of Public Health, told me. “The question becomes: When do, in most communities, people feel comfortable going about their daily business and not worrying, excessively, about doing things that are important and meaningful to them?” ** Ashish Jha as quoted by German Lopez in [https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/22651046/covid-19-delta-vaccines-social-distancing-masking-lockdowns “America needs to decide how much Covid-19 risk it will tolerate”], ''Vox'', (Sep 7, 2021) ==K== * [[Vladimir Putin]]'s government has also been accused of downplaying the severity of the outbreak. Officially, there have been 2,337 cases [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Russia|in Russia]]—very low by international standards—but low testing rates make it hard to know for sure. Critics suggest that a suspiciously nationwide uptick in pneumonia cases in recent weeks actually consists of undiagnosed [[COVID-19]] cases. Aggressive measures put in place to punish the spread of "false" information on the outbreak online may also be preventing media outlets from publishing accurate information. After moving much more slowly than other governments to order lockdowns and social distancing measures, Russia is finally implementing new rules as the number of cases has grown rapidly in recent days. Putin, who was highly visible while touting the government's efforts to contain the disease's spread early on, was conspicuously absent when it was time to deliver the bad news. The impending crisis has not stopped Russia's government from scoring a propaganda coup by shipping medical supplies to other countries—including the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|U.S]]. ** [[Joshua Keating]], [https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/04/strongman-medicine-china-russia-kenya-india-pan.html "Strongman Medicine: Suspicious Numbers and Brutal Quarantines"] (2 April 2020), ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'' * It may not just be dictatorships that are playing this game. Given its proximity to [[COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China|China]], high [[w:Elderly people in Japan|elderly population]], and high [[w:Smoking in Japan|smoking]] rate, [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Japan|Japan]] would seem to be highly vulnerable to the coronavirus. Yet the number of cases and deaths in the country has been conspicuously low until recent days—perhaps suspiciously low. Japan, which has not adopted widespread testing or the kinds of strict social distancing measures seen elsewhere, saw the number of cases spike dramatically since it was announced last week that the [[w:2020 Summer Olympics|2020 Olympics]] would [[w:2020 Summer Olympics#Postponement of Tokyo Olympics until summer 2021|be postponed]]. ** [[Joshua Keating]], [https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/04/strongman-medicine-china-russia-kenya-india-pan.html "Strongman Medicine: Suspicious Numbers and Brutal Quarantines"] (2 April 2020), ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'' * [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Hungary|Hungary]]'s [[w:National Assembly (Hungary)|parliament]] on Monday passed the emergency law, [...] allowing [[w:President of Hungary|President]] [[Viktor Orbán]] to [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Hungary#Rule by decree|rule by decree]] for an indefinite period. This arguably makes [[Hungary]] the first [[dictatorship]] within the [[European Union|EU]] and the first [[democracy]] to fall victim to the coronavirus. ** [[Joshua Keating]], [https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/04/strongman-medicine-china-russia-kenya-india-pan.html "Strongman Medicine: Suspicious Numbers and Brutal Quarantines"] (2 April 2020), ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'' * While [[Malaysia]]ns are concerned about the spread of the (COVID-19) virus to our shores, we are equally sympathetic towards [[China]], especially given that the two countries share deep [[culture|cultural]] and [[business]] ties which have been built over decades. ** [[Teresa Kok]] (2020) cited in "[https://www.thestar.com.my/news/nation/2020/01/31/coronavirus-malaysia-to-donate-18-million-medical-gloves-to-china Coronavirus: Malaysia to donate 18 million medical gloves to China]" on ''The Star Online'', 31 January 2020. * Whether it will be contained or not, this outbreak is rapidly becoming the first true pandemic challenge that fits the [[disease X]] category. ** [[Marion Koopmans]], as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-02-22/coronavirus-may-be-the-disease-x-health-agency-warned-about "Coronavirus May Be ‘Disease X' Health Experts Warned About"] (21 February 2020) by Jason Gale, ''{{w|Bloomberg News}}'' * [A major wave of infections and an exponential rise in daily cases is] almost like a rite of passage ** [[Singapore]]'s Health Minister [[w:Ong Ye Kung]] "[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/09/20/singapores-daily-covid-cases-breach-1000-levels-over-the-weekend.html Singapore’s daily Covid cases breach 1,000 over the weekend — first time since April 2020]" (September 20, 2021) ==L== * ... [ [[Omicron variant]] to unleash a] massive fifth wave *... we have never seen in this form before ** [[Germans|German]] health minister [[w:Karl Lauterbach|Karl Lauterbach]] '''[https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-59715820 Covid: Germany tightens restrictions on UK travellers]''' (December 18) [[File:Table_reserved_(20160310091033).jpg|thumb|Is the current death toll — of more than 1,500 a day, or equivalent to more than 500,000 deaths a year — too much? Many people would say, of course, it is. But in the middle of a delta variant surge, Americans may be revealing their preferences as restaurant reservations are now around the pre-pandemic normal — a sign the country is moving on. ~ German Lopez]] * The pandemic has demonstrated [[w:Westfailure|the bankruptcy]] of [[national sovereignty]]. The major threats to humanity are global in character, so [[mutual aid]], [[cooperation]] and [[solidarity]] must be too. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * The COVID-19 pandemic is an unprecedented [[w:Global health|global]] [[W:Health crisis|health]], social and economic crisis. Historical comparisons are few, particularly in recent decades. This tragedy constitutes nothing less than a trial for all [[humanity]]. The two meanings of the French word ''"[[:wikt:épreuve|épreuve]]"'' captures the dual significance of what we now confront: ''épreuve'' in the sense of an ordeal, an immense and painful undertaking, but also a test, an evaluation, or a judgment. The pandemic, in other words, is now testing the capacity of our [[w:Political system|political]] and [[economic systems]] to cope with a global problem situated at the level of our [[individual]] [[interdependence]], which is to say at the very foundation of our social life. Like a [[dystopia]] made real, the current situation provides us with a glimpse of what soon awaits humanity if [[w:World economy|global economic]] and [[w:Global politics|political]] structures are unable to radically and rapidly transform in order to confront the [[climate change]] crisis. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * First observation: around the world, we are all willing to rely on the {{w|sovereign power}} of the {{w|nation state}} to respond to this global epidemic in two more or less complimentary ways: on the one hand, we count on the state to enact [[authoritarian]] [[w:Responses to the COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020|measures]] to [[Social distancing|limit personal contact]], largely by establishing "{{w|states of emergency}}" (whether officially declared or not) as in [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Italy|Italy]], [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Spain|Spain]], [[COVID-19 pandemic in France|France]] and elsewhere. On the other hand, we expect the state to protect citizens by preventing the virus being "imported" from abroad. Social discipline and national {{w|protectionism}} are thus the two primary weapons deployed in our fight against the pandemic. Here, we see the two faces of state sovereignty: internal [[domination]] and external independence. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * What we have witnessed so far is cause for alarm. The [[w:Institutionalized discrimination|institutional]] [[xenophobia]] of the state form is becoming especially manifest just as we are gaining increasing awareness of the lethal danger the virus poses for all humanity. The [[W:COVID-19 pandemic in Europe|European]] states responded to the initial spread of the coronavirus in a totally uncoordinated fashion. Very quickly, most European states — [[Central Europe]] in particular — locked themselves behind the [[w:Administrative law|administrative]] walls of their national [[territory]] in order to protect their population from the "foreign virus," and the first countries in Europe to cloister themselves in were also the most [[w:Xenophobia#Europe|xenophobic]]. This set the tone throughout Europe and the rest of the world: every state must look after their own — to the delight of the {{w|extreme right}} [[w:Far-right politics#Europe|in Europe]] and elsewhere. And nothing has been more abject than the lack of [[solidarity]] with the most affected countries. Italy's abandonment by France and Germany — who pushed selfishness to new heights by refusing to send Italy medical equipment and [[w:Face masks during the COVID-19 pandemic|protective masks]] — sounded the death knell for a Europe built on a foundation of generalized [[w:Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Competition for supplies|competition]] between states. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * The [[WHO]] has been [[w:World Health Organization#Financing and partnerships|financially weakened]] for the past several decades, and is now largely dependent on private donors, with 80 percent of its funding coming from private businesses or [[w:Private foundation|foundations]]. But despite its weakened condition, the WHO could have still provided an initial framework for global [[cooperation]] in the fight against the pandemic, not only because of the reliable information it had gathered since the beginning of [[w:Timeline of the COVID-19 pandemic in January 2020|January]], but also because its recommendations for radical and early [[w:Infection prevention and control|control]] of the epidemic were ultimately correct. According to the [[Tedros Adhanom|Director-General of the WHO]], the choice to abandon systematic [[COVID-19 testing|testing]] and [[w:COVID-19 surveillance|contract tracing]], which were effective in [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in South Korea|Korea]] and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Taiwan|Taiwan]], was a major mistake that contributed to the [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019#Transmission|spread of the virus]] in virtually every country. The ultimate cause of this alarming delay were strategic choices. Italy was quickly forced to adopt a strategy of absolute [[w:COVID-19 pandemic lockdown in Italy|confinement]] in order to halt the epidemic, as [[w:COVID-19 pandemic lockdown in Hubei|China]] had previously done. Other countries waited far too long to react, largely on the basis of the {{w|fatalist}} and crypto-[[w:Social Darwinism|Darwinian]] strategy of "[[herd immunity]]." [[Boris Johnson]]'s [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|United Kingdom]] was entirely passive in its initial [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom#Government response|approach]], and other countries equivocated and delayed their restrictive measures, such as France and Germany, not to mention the [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|United States]]. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * By adopting a strategy of "[[w:Pandemic prevention#Prevention versus mitigation|mitigation]]," or epidemic delay by "{{w|flattening the curve}}," these countries have de facto renounced any serious attempt to keep the virus under control from the start through the use of systematic screening and general confinement of the population, as was done in {{w|Wuhan}} and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Hubei|Hubei]] province. According to the forecasts of the German and French governments, the strategy of collective immunity necessitates 50 to 80 percent contamination across the entire population. This amounts to accepting the [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Deaths|deaths]] of hundreds of thousands — even millions — of people who are supposedly the "most fragile." All the while, the WHO's recommendations were very clear: states must not abandon systematic screening and contact tracing of anyone who tests positive for the virus. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * What has since become abundantly apparent is the destructive influence of [[behavioral economics]] and the so-called "[[nudge theory]]" of political [[decision-making]], which relies on {{w|incentives}} and [[w:Stimulus (psychology)|stimuli]] [[w:Behavior change (individual)|to steer individual behavior]], rather than [[coercion]] or restraint. We now know that the "nudge unit," or the "{{w|Behavioural Insights Team}}," that advises the {{w|British Government}} successfully convinced the state of their theory that individuals who are too quickly constrained by severe measures will tire and relax their discipline when the [[w:Epidemic curve|epidemic]] reaches its peak, which is precisely when discipline is needed most. Since 2010, {{w|Richard Thaler}}'s [[economic theory]] — which he outlines in the book ''[[w:Nudge (book)|Nudge]]'' (2009) — is widely thought to be the best means for producing "[[w:Governance#Effective governance|efficient state governance]]." This approach tells us to encourage people, without coercing them, to make the best decisions through the use of "nudges": by using gentle, indirect, comfortable and optional [[Social influence|influences]] upon individuals who are still ultimately [[Freedom of choice|free to make their own choices]]. The application of this "{{w|libertarian paternalism}}" in the fight against the epidemic has been two-fold: (a) the rejection of any coercive measures to regulate individual [[Human behavior|behavior]] and (b) a preference for "barrier gestures": [[w:Social distancing measures related to the COVID-19 pandemic|keep your distance]], [[Hand washing|wash your hands]], [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Face masks and respiratory hygiene|cough into your elbow]], [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Self-isolation|self-isolate]] if you have a fever and all for your own benefit. This wager to rely on soft, voluntary measures was risky: there is no scientific or empirical evidence demonstrating the effectiveness of this approach in the context of an epidemic. And it is now all too clear that this approach entirely failed. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * The [[public service]] is a mechanism by which the governors become the servants of the governed. These obligations, which are imposed on those who govern as well as the agents of government, form the basis of what Duguit calls "public responsibility." This is why the public service is a principle of social solidarity, one which is imposed on all, and not a principle of sovereignty, inasmuch as the latter is incompatible with the very idea of public responsibility. This conception of the public service has largely been suppressed by the fiction of state sovereignty. But the public service nonetheless continues to make itself felt by virtue of the strong connection citizens feel toward what they still consider to be a {{w|fundamental right}}. For the [[w:Civil and political rights|citizen's right]] to public services is the strict corollary of the duty or obligation of state representatives to provide public services. This why the citizens of various European countries affected by the current crisis have demonstrated, in diverse ways, their attachment to public services in their daily fight against the coronavirus: for instance, the citizens of numerous Spanish cities [[w:Clap for Our Carers|have applauded]] their [[w:Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on healthcare workers|healthcare workers]] from their balconies, regardless of their political attitude toward the [[w:Centralized government|centralized]] {{w|unitary state}}. [...] Two relations must therefore be carefully separated here: the citizenry’s attachment to the public service, and [[healthcare]] in particular, in no way suggests adherence to public [[authority]] or public power in its various forms, but rather suggests an attachment to services whose essential function is to meet the public's need. Far from disclosing an underlying identification with the nation, this attachment gestures toward a sense of a universal that crosses borders, and accordingly renders us sensitive to the trials our "pandemic co-citizens" are enduring, whether they are Italian, Spanish, or live beyond European borders. We are extremely [[skeptical]] of Macron's promise to be the first leader to question "our developmental model" after the crisis is over, and there are plenty of reasons to think that the drastic economic measures currently in place will eventually share the same fate as those enacted during the [[Financial crisis of 2007–2008|2008 economic crisis]]: we will likely see a concerted effort to "[[Status quo|return to normal]]" — i.e., return to our otherwise uninterrupted [[w:Human impact on the environment|destruction of the planet]] amidst increasingly conditions of [[social inequality]]. And we fear the enormous [[w:Stimulus (economics)|stimulus]] packages designed to "save the economy" will once again be [[w:Socialism for the rich and capitalism for the poor|borne on the backs]] of the [[w:Working poor|lowest-paid workers]] and [[taxpayers]]. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (March 28, 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}'' * What I found disgusting and really distressing ... was not just the travel ban being implemented by the UK and Europe but that that was the only reaction, or the strongest reaction. * There was no word of support that they're going to offer to [[African]] countries to help us control the pandemic and particularly no mention of addressing this vaccine inequity that we have been warning about all year and [of which] we are now seeing the consequences play out ** Dr. Richard Lessells, infectious diseases specialist at the University of KwaZulu-Natal in Durban, [[South Africa]] '''[https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/28/world/omicron-coronavirus-variant-vaccine-inequity-intl-cmd/index.html Vaccine inequity and hesitancy made the Omicron variant more likely, scientists say]''' (November 28, 2021) * This coronavirus, they're just — all of this panic is just not warranted. This, I'm telling you, when I tell you — when I've told you that this virus is the {{w|common cold}}. When I said that, it was based on the number of cases. It's also based on the kind of virus this is. ** [[Rush Limbaugh]], ''{{w|The Rush Limbaugh Show}}'', {{#formatdate:2020-03-11}} * Three years ago, experts were saying that bat coronaviruses could become a new pandemic. Almost two months ago, experts were saying that the new virus in {{w|Wuhan}} was potentially a global threat. One month ago, experts were saying that it was likely to be pandemic, and [[Presidency of Donald Trump|the White House]]'s response was that this was under control, despite the fact that [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States|the US]]'s [[w:Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic#Tests|testing]] was demonstrably giving a false picture of the extent of infection. This was foreseeable, and foreseen, weeks and months ago, and only now is the White House coming [[w:Criticism of response to the 2019–20 coronavirus#United States government|out of denial]] and heading straight into saying it could not have been foreseen. ** [[Marc Lipsitch]], as quoted in [https://www.factcheck.org/2020/03/contrary-to-trumps-claim-a-pandemic-was-widely-expected-at-some-point/ "Contrary to Trump's Claim, A Pandemic Was Widely Expected at Some Point"] (20 March 2020) by Rem Rieder, ''{{w|FactCheck.org}}'' * Are 30,000 to 40,000 deaths a year too many? That’s generally what the country sees with gun violence and car crashes — and American policymakers, at least, haven’t been driven to major actions on these fronts. <br> Are as many as 60,000 deaths a year too many? That’s what Americans have tolerated for the flu. <br> Are 90,000 deaths a year too many? That’s the death toll of the ongoing drug overdose crisis — and while policymakers have taken some steps to combat that, experts argue the actions so far have fallen short, and the issue doesn’t draw that much national attention. <br> Is the current death toll — of more than 1,500 a day, or equivalent to more than 500,000 deaths a year — too much? Many people would say, of course, it is. But in the middle of a delta variant surge, Americans may be revealing their preferences as restaurant reservations are now around the pre-pandemic normal — a sign the country is moving on. ** German Lopez, [https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/22651046/covid-19-delta-vaccines-social-distancing-masking-lockdowns “America needs to decide how much Covid-19 risk it will tolerate”], ''Vox'', (Sep 7, 2021) ==M== [[File:Ivermectin skeletal.svg|thumb|Peru did a massive campaign with ivermectin in last half of 2020. The mortality dropped 14 fold over 3 months. A new president came in - and stopped the campaign. And deaths rose 13 fold over the next month. ~ [[W:Robert W. Malone|Robert W. Malone]]]] [[File:Flag of Sweden.svg|thumb|Sweden is now down to 50th in the ranking of total Covid deaths per capita since the pandemic began. Almost every other country ranked above Sweden had lockdowns, mask mandates and draconian restrictions. Sweden meanwhile, largely kept its society open and freedoms intact. ~ James Melville]] * The Covid-19 pandemic has jolted everyone into a renewed interest in environmentalism, sustainability, and conservation. In fact, nature is celebrating in the wake of the pandemic. Animals have been found roaming the streets of numerous cities around the world because humans have temporarily retreated. Fish are being seen in rivers previously too polluted to support life, and the skies have cleared up of pollution. It is unfortunate that humanity needed this hard knock to give back nature its share, at least in the short term. But this wakeup call could also be an opportunity to bring spirituality back into people’s lives in a big way. **[[Malhotra, R.]] (2021). Artificial intelligence and the future of power: 5 battlegrounds. New Delhi : Rupa, 2021. * The pandemic appears to have given a boost to the China-like command societies and economies in times of disaster when the pragmatics of rapid decision-making and implementation take priority over aesthetic values like individualism and freedom. **[[Rajiv Malhotra|Malhotra, R.]] (2021). Artificial intelligence and the future of power: 5 battlegrounds. New Delhi : Rupa, 2021. * [Kiribati’s industry is taking the time to get even better prepared for reopening. On Friday, some staff will set sail for remote areas of Kiribati’s Line Islands to deliver the training to operators there.]“ nstead, of sulking we are taking this as an opportunity to really restart better. ** '''Petero Manufolau''', the CEO of the Tourism Authority of [[Kiribati]] ''[https://time.com/6143260/covid-19-pacific-islands-kiribati/ A COVID-Free Pacific Nation Opened Its Border a Crack. The Virus Came Rushing In]'' (UPDATED: FEBRUARY 2, 2022 ) * Peru did a massive campaign with ivermectin in last half of 2020. The mortality dropped 14 fold over 3 months. A new president came in - and stopped the campaign. And deaths rose 13 fold over the next month. ** [[W:Robert W. Malone|Robert W. Malone]], [https://twitter.com/RWMaloneMD/status/1434499554431455237 Twitter, 10:52 PM · Sep 5, 2021] ** This figure is from [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8383101/ Ivermectin: a multifaceted drug of Nobel prize-honoured distinction with indicated efficacy against a new global scourge, COVID-19] * Sweden is now down to 50th in the ranking of total Covid deaths per capita since the pandemic began. Almost every other country ranked above Sweden had lockdowns, mask mandates and draconian restrictions. Sweden meanwhile, largely kept its society open and freedoms intact. ** James Melville, [https://mobile.twitter.com/JamesMelville/status/1446876004027359239 Twitter, 3:31 AM · Oct 10, 2021] * [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|Governments]] around the world say they’re engaged in a war against the coronavirus. [...] This kill-or-die idiom is more than casual rhetorical overkill. Many governments are symbolically but very deliberately calling, in this time of fear and uncertainty, for general {{w|conscription}} along [[military]] lines. This is so they can, while pointing to an insidious foreign enemy, aim their firepower against some of the most valuable institutions of domestic public life. They have been very successful so far. [...] In addition to [[w:Economic mobilization|economic]] and military {{w|mobilization}}, [[wartime]] measures typically encourage a high degree of political, social and intellectual [[conformity]]. The general idea is that, in the face of an existential challenge from a vicious [[enemy]], {{w|criticism of the government}} ought to cease. The [[media]] tends to become more [[patriotic]], as do former {{w|political partisans}}. Such was the case in the [[United States]] during the early stages of [[War on terror|its wars]] in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–present)|Afghanistan]] and [[Iraq War|Iraq]], when most journalists and even Democratic politicians rallied around the Republican [[George W. Bush]] administration. The trouble is that the "war" against Covid-19 is actually not a war at all. And no one should feel obliged to sign up for it. The loss of, and separation from, loved ones, and the fear and [[w:Mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic|anxiety]] that is devastating many lives is not an opportunity to fantasize about heroism in battle. The pandemic is, primarily, a [[w:Public health emergency of international concern|global public health emergency]]; it is made potentially lethal as much by long neglected and underfunded social [[welfare]] systems as by a highly contagious virus. A plain description like this is not as stirring as a call to arms — and doesn’t justify the more [[w:Human rights issues related to the COVID-19 pandemic|extreme actions]] governments have taken against critics during the crisis. It does, however, open up a line of inquiry that [[w:Media coverage of the COVID-19 pandemic|journalists]] ought to pursue, now as well as in the future. ** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}'' * Awakening late to the pandemic, [[authoritarian]] or authoritarian-minded leaders have turned it into an opportunity both to shore up their power and to conceal their stunning ineptitude. To fail to see through their manufactured {{w|fog of war}}, as many in the media are doing, can only further endanger the long-term moral and political health of their societies. ** [[Pankaj Mishra]], ''[https://theprint.in/opinion/world-is-fighting-a-war-against-covid-19-except-its-not-actually-one/417615/ From Modi to Johnson, leaders are using the pandemic to suppress their critics]'' (9 May, 2020), ''{{w|ThePrint}}'' * During the pandemic, many of us have begun to discover how much of our travel is unnecessary. Governments can build on this to create plans for reducing the need to move, while investing in walking, cycling and – when physical distancing is less necessary – [[public transport]]. This means wider pavements, better cycle lanes, buses run for service not profit. They should invest heavily in [[Renewable energy|green energy]], and even more heavily in reducing energy demand – through, for example, home insulation and better heating and lighting. The pandemic exposes the need for better neighbourhood design, with less public space given to cars and more to people. It also shows how badly we need the kind of security that a lightly taxed, deregulated economy cannot deliver. ** [[George Monbiot]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/29/airlines-oil-giants-government-economy "Airlines and oil giants are on the brink. No government should offer them a lifeline"] (29 April 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * Let's have what many people were calling for long before this disaster hit: a [[Green New Deal|green new deal]]. But please let's stop describing it as a stimulus package. We have stimulated consumption too much over the past century, which is why we face environmental disaster. Let us call it a survival package, whose purpose is to provide incomes, distribute wealth and avoid catastrophe, without stoking perpetual economic growth. [[Bailout|Bail out]] the [[people]], not the [[Corporatocracy|corporations]]. Bail out the living world, not its destroyers. ** [[George Monbiot]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/29/airlines-oil-giants-government-economy "Airlines and oil giants are on the brink. No government should offer them a lifeline"] (29 April 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * There are two ways this could go. We could, as some people have done, double down on [[denial]]. Some of those who have dismissed other threats, such as climate breakdown, also seek to downplay the threat of Covid-19... Or this could be the moment when we begin to see ourselves, once more, as governed by biology and physics, and dependent on a habitable planet. Never again should we listen to the liars and the deniers. Never again should we allow a comforting falsehood to trounce a painful truth. No longer can we afford to be dominated by those who put money ahead of life. ** [[George Monbiot]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/mar/25/covid-19-is-natures-wake-up-call-to-complacent-civilisation? "Covid-19 is nature's wake-up call to complacent civilisation"] (25 March 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' ==N== Self-proclaimed liberal democracies already showed their true colors during the covid-19 pandemic, when they treated their citizens like mere cattle to be poked and prodded by whimsical technocrats. ** José Niño, [https://mises.org/wire/russo-ukrainian-war-new-opportunity-demagogues-destroy-freedoms-home The Russo-Ukrainian War: A New Opportunity for Demagogues to Destroy Freedoms at Home], ''Mises Institute'', 14/5/22 ==O== * And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.<br />And the people healed. And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.<br />And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed. ** Kitty O'Meara, [https://the-daily-round.com/2020/03/16/in-the-time-of-pandemic/ "In the Time of Pandemic"] (16 March 2020), ''The Daily Round'' ==P== [[File:Netflix_2015_logo.svg|thumb|The whole messaging of this pandemic is you're stuck at home [[w:Teleworking|teleworking]], that must be really tough so here are some recipes for sourdough starter, and here's what you should catch up on [[w:Netflix|Netflix]]. ~ Nick Papageorge]] * "The whole messaging of this pandemic is you're stuck at home [[w:Teleworking|teleworking]], that must be really tough so here are some recipes for sourdough starter, and here's what you should catch up on [[w:Netflix|Netflix]]," Papageorge said. "But what about the people who aren't teleworking? What are they going to do?" <br> People with access to the outdoors at home were 20% more likely to maintain social distance. <br> "It's not shocking that if you don't live in a comfortable house you're going to be leaving your house more often," Papageorge said. "But the point we want to push is that if I'm a policymaker maybe I really need to think about opening city parks in a dense neighborhood during a pandemic. Maybe that's something that's worth the risk. This is why we want to understand these details -- they can eventually suggest policies." ** Nick Papageorge as quoted in [https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2021-01-19/do-you-socially-distance-your-income-might-matter “Do You Socially Distance? Your Income Might Matter”], by Cara Murez, ''U.S. News & World Report'', (Jan. 19, 2021) * A [[w:pandemic|pandemic]] has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary [[w:starvation|starvation]], and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable [[w:malaria|malaria]], and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied [[w:publicly funded healthcare,|publicly-funded healthcare,]] and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's [[w:blockade|blockade]] denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in [[w:Yemeni Civil War (2015–present)|Yemen]], in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them. ** [[John Pilger]], quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], 12 March 2020 * Even among the experts I’ve spoken to over the past few weeks, there’s wide disagreement on how much risk is tolerable, when milder precautions like masking are warranted, and at what point harsher measures, like lockdowns and school closures, are needed. There’s not even agreement on what the endgame is; some say that, from a policy standpoint, the goal should be to keep caseloads manageable for hospitals, while others call for doing much more to drive down Covid-19. <br> One big problem identified by experts: “I don’t think we’re having those conversations enough,” Saskia Popescu, an infectious disease epidemiologist at George Mason University, told me. Instead of the public and officials openly discussing how much risk is acceptable, the public dialogue often feels like two extremes — the very risk-averse and those downplaying any risk of the coronavirus whatsoever — talking past each other. ** Saskia Popescu as quoted by German Lopez in [https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/22651046/covid-19-delta-vaccines-social-distancing-masking-lockdowns “America needs to decide how much Covid-19 risk it will tolerate”], ''Vox'', (Sep 7, 2021) * If I had to sum it up, I would say sheer madness. It's obscene. It's strictly political, really, an attempt to divert from what we all know has been a gross mismanagement of the prevention phase of this in the United States and the response phase, and it's tragic because the [[World Health Organization]] now is moving into a phase where it is going to try to help avert a catastrophe in the developing world. If we think about how difficult it has been for us in the United States with our sophisticated healthcare system to manage this crisis, imagine living in a slum in a developing country or in a refugee camp. And in places like that, the only place you really have to turn for expertise and for financial support is the World Health Organization when governments themselves can't provide the resources. So the timing of this is particularly catastrophic because it is just about to wallop parts of the world in vulnerable communities that really can't handle it. I mean, Trump has a point about aspects of the World Health Organization's response that have been problematic. The problem is his very criticisms are ones that you could levy just as easily at him, overreliance on China, flattery of China, sucking up to China, to put it in an undiplomatic way. I mean, that's something that we saw it characterize the early phase of the U.S. response led by President Trump, and downplaying the crisis until it was too late, missing the month of February, as he did, to get the testing apparatuses in place and put in place the kinds of guidelines that we have now but at the time when it's already spread across the country. ** [[Samantha Power]], former United States Ambassador to the United Nations, on President [[Donald Trump|Trump]]'s plan to halt the half a billion dollars to the WHO, interview in {{w|CNN}}'s ''[[w:New Day (TV program)|New Day]]'' on 15 April 2020. [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/2004/15/nday.03.html Transcript online] at ''{{w|CNN}}''. * The moment that the Chinese scientists and doctors announced that the [[coronavirus]] could be transmitted between human beings on Jan. 20, 2020, the [[socialist]] governments went into action to monitor ports of entry and to test and trace key parts of the population. They set up task forces and procedures to immediately make sure that the infection would not go out of control amongst their people. They did not wait till the World Health Organization (WHO) declared a global pandemic on March 11.<BR>This is in stark contrast to governments in the United States, the United Kingdom, [[COVID-19 pandemic in Brazil|Brazil]], [[COVID-19 pandemic in India|India]], and other [[capitalist]] states, where there has been a hallucinatory attitude towards the Chinese government and the WHO. There is no comparison between the stance of Vietnam’s [[w:Nguyen Xuan Phuc|Prime Minister Nguyen Xuan Phuc]] and U.S. President [[Donald Trump]]: the former had a sober, [[science]]-based attitude, while the latter has consistently laughed off the coronavirus as a simple flu as recently as June 24. ** [[Vijay Prashad]] in [https://consortiumnews.com/2020/07/16/covid-19-why-laos-vietnam-china-have-beaten-the-virus-and-india-brazil-and-the-us-have-not/ COVID-19: Why Laos, Vietnam & China Have Beaten the Virus and India, Brazil and the US Have Not, ''Consortium News''] (16 July 2020) ==R== * People inoculated against Covid-19 are just as likely to spread the delta variant of the virus to contacts in their household as those who haven’t had shots, according to new research. ** Suzi Ring, [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-10-28/getting-vaccinated-doesn-t-stop-people-from-spreading-delta?utm_content=business&utm_campaign=socialflow-organic&cmpid=socialflow-twitter-business&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social Vaccinated People Also Spread the Delta Variant, Yearlong Study Shows], ''Bloomberg'', 29 October 2021 * It is not yet clear whether the people concerned [in the earlier cases] have also been to southern Africa ** RIVM health institute '''[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/omicron-variant-covid-in-europe-netherlands-before-alert-raised/ Omicron COVID variant was in Europe before South African scientists detected and flagged it to the world]''' (NOVEMBER 30, 2021) * Vaccines against the coronavirus may impair the body’s ability to produce a key type of antibody, thus potentially limiting the immune system’s defenses against mutated strains of the virus, a new study suggests. ** David Rosenberg, [https://www.israelnationalnews.com/news/328102 COVID vaccines may impair long-term immunity to the virus], ''Israel National News'', 24 May 2022 * Successful vaccine rollouts have failed to stop Covid transmission, with new data showing the prevalence of the virus increasing in fully jabbed individuals, according to a medical study in The Lancet. Examining new infections in Germany, researchers found that the rate of cases among fully vaccinated individuals aged 60 and older has risen from 16.9% in July to 58.9% in October. ** ''[[w:RT (TV network)|RT]]'', [https://www.rt.com/news/541900-mass-vaccination-covid-transmission/ Mass vaccination fails to halt Covid transmission rates – study], 1 December 2021 ==S== * It is only a matter of weeks before [[Omicron]] is dominant here (in [[Germany]]). ** [[Olaf Scholz]] cited in: "[https://www.thestar.com.my/news/world/2021/12/22/germany-agrees-new-contact-limits-to-curb-covid-19 Germany agrees new contact limits to curb COVID-19]" in ''The Star'', 22 December 2021. * It may take four to five years before we finally see the end of the pandemic and the start of a post-COVID normal,” ** [[Singapore]]’s education minister according to [https://www.axios.com/coronavirus-variants-pandemic-longer-contagious-deadly-88cdee57-a640-484e-860f-2cec9f950a94.html Chilling trend: A longer, deadlier pandemic] February 1, 2021 * COVID-19 is a terrible warning against complacency in the face of global threats to all human life. The past twelve months have served to reinforce the messages that the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists has been saying for decades: that it is only through collective action and responsible leadership that we can secure a peaceful and habitable planet for future generations. The new Presidency of Joe Biden has a chance to reassert US commitments to the values and institutions of multilateralism; there is no other way for humanity to overcome the dangers posed by pandemics, climate change and the risk of nuclear war. ** Ellen Johnson Sirleaf as quoted by Gayle Spinazze, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'', (January 27, 2021) * The pandemic-related economic slowdown temporarily reduced the carbon dioxide emissions that cause global warming. But over the coming decade fossil fuel use needs to decline precipitously if the worst effects of climate change are to be avoided. Instead, fossil fuel development and production are projected to increase. Atmospheric greenhouse gas concentrations hit a record high in 2020, one of the two warmest years on record. The massive wildfires and tropical cyclones of 2020 are illustrations of the major devastation that will only increase if governments do not significantly and quickly amplify their efforts to bring greenhouse gas emissions essentially to zero. ** Susan Solomon as quoted by Gayle Spinazze, [https://thebulletin.org/2021/01/press-release-this-is-your-covid-19-wake-up-call-it-is-100-seconds-to-midnight/ “Press Release—THIS IS YOUR COVID-19 WAKE-UP CALL: IT IS 100 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT”], ''Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists'', (January 27, 2021) * A lot has been written about how this pandemic is exacerbating [[social inequalities]]. But what if it's because our [[societies]] are so [[unequal]] that this pandemic happened? There is a {{w|school of thought}} that, historically, {pandemics have been more likely to occur at times of social inequality and [[discord]]. As the [[w:The rich get richer and the poor get poorer|poor get poorer]], the thinking goes, their baseline [[Social determinants of health|health suffers]], making them [[w:Health equity#Health inequalities|more prone]] to infection. At the same time they are forced to move more, in [[w:Job hunting|search of work]], and to gravitate to cities. The rich, meanwhile, have more to spend on luxuries, including products that hail from far-flung places. The world becomes more tightly connected through trade, and germs, people and luxury goods travel together along trade routes that connect cities. On paper, it looks like a perfect storm. ** [[Laura Spinney]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/12/inequality-pandemic-lockdown "Inequality doesn't just make pandemics worse – it could cause them"] (12 April 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * Pandemics don't always trigger {{w|social unrest}}, but they can do, by throwing into relief the very inequalities that caused them. That's because they hit the [[poor]] hardest – [[w:Working poor|those in low-paid]] or [[w:Precarious work|unstable employment]], who live in [[w:Overcrowding|crowded]] accommodation, have underlying [[w:Poverty#Impact on health and mortality|health issues]], and for whom [[healthcare]] is less affordable or less accessible. This was true in the past and remains so today. During the {{w|2009 flu pandemic}} the death rate was three times higher in the [[w:Poverty in the United Kingdom|poorest]] fifth of [[England]]'s population than in the [[w:Social class in the United Kingdom#Upper class|richest]]. [[Covid-19]] is showing no signs of departing from the pattern, which, because of the way the socioeconomic dice fall, also has a [[w:Race and health|racial]] dimension. But there is something brand new about this pandemic, which has never been seen before in the history of humanity – and that is our unprecedented global experiment in {{w|lockdown}}. These lockdown measures are designed to slow the spread of the disease, relieve the burden on {{w|health system}}s and ultimately save lives – and it looks as if they may be doing that. But they may also be exacerbating social inequalities themselves. ** [[Laura Spinney]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/12/inequality-pandemic-lockdown "Inequality doesn't just make pandemics worse – it could cause them"] (12 April 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * In [[COVID-19 pandemic in India|India]] there have been reports of deaths among [[w:Unemployment in India|unemployed]] {{w|migrant workers}} returning home [[w:Food security in India|in search of food]]; many countries, including the US, have seen [[Strikes during the COVID-19 pandemic|workers taking industrial action]], and anger has been expressed in rural communities over wealthy city-dwellers retreating to their second homes for the duration. Governments should keep an eye on these developments, in weighing up when and how to lift the lockdown, because even if it's difficult to argue today that the cure is worse than the disease, the cure might provoke an entirely different malaise – and history teaches us that no society is immune to that. That's the {{w|symptomatic treatment}}. In the long term, of course, they – and we – should address the dreadful inequality in our societies, which this pandemic is picking apart with a lethal scalpel. ** [[Laura Spinney]], [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/12/inequality-pandemic-lockdown "Inequality doesn't just make pandemics worse – it could cause them"] (12 April 2020), ''[[The Guardian]]'' * We believe that Spain will not have, at most, beyond a diagnosed case. Hopefully there will be no local transmission. If there is, it will be very limited and very controlled ** [[Fernando Simon Soria]], [https://www.web24.news/u/2020/03/the-ten-calculation-errors-of-fernando-simon-that-spain-is-already-paying-dearly.html] (31 January 2020) * Humans wield more power over the planet than ever before. In the wake of COVID-19, record-breaking temperatures and spiraling [[Economic inequality|inequality]], it is time to use that power to redefine what we mean by progress, where our carbon and consumption footprints are no longer hidden. ** [[Achim Steiner]], "[https://www.undp.org/content/undp/en/home/news-centre/news/2020/Human_Development_Report_2020.html Broken societies put people and planet on collision course, says UNDP]". undp.org, December 15, 2020. * During lockdown... and hedgehog walkabouts were a lot safer ** [[David Suzuki]] '''[https://www.cbc.ca/natureofthings/episodes/natures-big-year Nature of things]''' (November 12, 2021) a video with this explanation: ''When humanity hits pause, nature reboots. Scientists discover the surprising ways pandemic lockdowns affected our planet'' ([[youtube]] video not available yet) ==T== * People in quarantine should not think they won't be fined for leaving their hotel room. ** [[Taiwan]] department of health [https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/man-fined-5000-for-breaking-taiwan-covid-19-quarantine-for-8-seconds/YETAP7O3SEI2SYUH5PICDPU4M4/ Man fined $5000 for breaking Taiwan Covid-19 quarantine for 8 seconds] December 7, 2020 * Devastating epidemics, great wars, destruction of cities in past or present times with their toll of death, the sudden breaking up and submergence of continents, as in the case of Atlantis, are instances of [[karmic]] forces operating on a large scale, and where such forces could be held back no longer by the administrators of [[Law of Cause and Effect|nature's laws]], the [[Masters of Wisdom]], lest a greater spiritual damage be done to the people of those cities, nations, or continents affected. Where spirituality and morality have departed beyond a certain measure, humanity can only be brought back to a recognition of its spiritual foundations by some great shock or series of shocks driving the personal consciousness inward to the eternal verities, to its inherent divinity, and so preventing a further descent into the lure and glitter of outer falsities and sense illusions. ** The Temple of the People, Foreword to ''Teachings of the Temple'' (1925) * {{w|Revolutionary socialist}} organizations from the [[United States]], [[France]], [[Italy]], [[Germany]], [[Spain]], [[Argentina]], [[Brazil]], [[Mexico]], [[Chile]], [[Bolivia]], [[Venezuela]], [[Uruguay]], [[Costa Rica]], and [[Peru]], members and sympathizers of the Trotskyist Fraction for the Fourth International, are publishing the following statement at a time when the crisis of the [[w:COVID-19 pandemic|Coronavirus pandemic]] is developing rapidly. The disastrous situation of [[healthcare]] [[w:Health system|systems]] in the great majority of countries is preventing adequate responses (such as massive [[w:COVID-19 testing|testing]]), causing thousands of avoidable deaths, and providing confusing information about the reality of [[w:COVID-19 pandemic by country and territory|the pandemic in each country]]. The [[w:Economic impact of the COVID-19 pandemic|economic and financial effects of the crisis]] will likely be unloaded onto the shoulders of the [[workers]] and the [[poor]], who in turn are the most vulnerable to the danger of [[COVID-19|infection]]. We propose urgent measures so that [[Big business|large]] [[companies]] pay the costs of this crisis. They are the ones who have always profited from the degradation of {{w|public health}} and [[w:Precarious work|precarious working conditions]], the measures carried out by the governments, states, and parties [[Corporatocracy|in their service]]. These are banners of [[Class conflict|struggle]] for the [[Labour movement|organization of workers]] and youth. Great crises require great solutions. ** [[Trotskyist Fraction – Fourth International]], [https://www.leftvoice.org/coronavirus-and-the-healthcare-crisis-our-lives-are-worth-more-than-their-profits "Coronavirus and the Healthcare Crisis: Our Lives Are Worth More than Their Profits!"] (14 March 2020), ''Left Voice'' * [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|The governments that have been negligent]] from the beginning ([[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic#United States|the U.S.]], [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Iran|Iran]], [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Italy|Italy]], and so many others) are reacting with measures that are limited to banning flights and strengthening {{w|quarantine}}s and isolation, without more profound responses that would reduce deaths as much as possible. They are afraid of demonstrating their ineptitude in the face of such a health crisis. At the last minute, [[Donald Trump|Trump]] declared a "[[w:Public health emergency (United States)|national emergency]]" and agreed with the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] in [[United States Congress|Congress]] on a special package for {{w|sick leave}} and rapid testing. If he appears incompetent in the face of a crisis and thousands of [[w:COVID-19 pandemic#Deaths|people die]], he could lose the [[w:2020 United States presidential election|U.S. presidency]], even to [[Joe Biden|Biden]]. The same applies to any other government. In the meantime, measures of police control are imposed on the population. The {{w|Chinese government}} currently appears "successful" in its response, but in the first weeks that [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China|the new coronavirus]] appeared, [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic#China|the government]] offered the denialism typical of restorationist [[State capitalism|capitalist bureaucracy]], ignoring the warnings that could have reduced the number of deaths (including that of {{w|Li Wenliang}}, a doctor who warned about [[COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China|the epidemic]] and was consequently accused by the authorities of "spreading rumors" before he died from COVID-19). China is the most extreme example of [[w:Authoritarian capitalism#China|authoritarianism]] around the world, with its tight [[w:Bureaucratic collectivism|bureaucratic]] control [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China#Censorship and police responses|that prevents vital news]] from leaving {{w|Wuhan}} and other affected areas. ** [[Trotskyist Fraction – Fourth International]], [https://www.leftvoice.org/coronavirus-and-the-healthcare-crisis-our-lives-are-worth-more-than-their-profits "Coronavirus and the Healthcare Crisis: Our Lives Are Worth More than Their Profits!"] (14 March 2020), ''Left Voice'' * In different countries, especially where there is more class struggle, governments will seek to make political use of the COVID-19 health crisis, with the aim of restricting [[w:Civil liberties|democratic freedoms]] and preventing [[w:Demonstration (political)|demonstrations]] of discontent and struggle. [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Chile|The case of Chile]] is illustrative: the government of {{w|Sebastián Piñera}} went from complete idleness to a discourse about the enormous consequences of the virus, demanding measures like the cancellation of massive events while refusing to discuss the fact that [[Working class|working people]] still will not have access to free testing and the [[w:Healthcare in Chile|Chilean public health system]] remains enormously unfunded and in crisis. Thus, the government is creating a climate that discourages [[w:2019–20 Chilean protests|the mobilizations that take place]] every week in the country's main cities. Piñera will attempt to use the health argument to pass repressive laws such as one that would authorize the president to decree the {{w|militarization}} of "{{w|critical infrastructure}}" (hospitals, ports, etc.). We reject any repressive measure that is disguised as health policy and is directed against the masses and their mobilizations (whether organized or spontaneous). It should not be the government that decides whether or not to hold a demonstration, but the organizations in struggle with the advice of healthcare professionals and researchers. ** [[Trotskyist Fraction – Fourth International]], [https://www.leftvoice.org/coronavirus-and-the-healthcare-crisis-our-lives-are-worth-more-than-their-profits "Coronavirus and the Healthcare Crisis: Our Lives Are Worth More than Their Profits!"] (14 March 2020), ''Left Voice'' *...I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning?..So it'd be interesting to check that... ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52407177 from Donald Trump according to "Coronavirus: Outcry after Trump suggests injecting disinfectant as treatment" (BBC)] ==W== * Covid is a virus that is highly transmissible with a low fatality rate. For a variety of reasons (legit and opportunistic), state governments invoked a variety of powers to combat the virus. It’s spread person to person. Due to fears of asymptomatic spread, no one could be sure who was infected. It was most dangerous for transmission in large, group settings. ** Fred Watson Jr., [https://theamericansun.com/2021/08/04/covid-and-counterinsurgency-measures/amp/?__twitter_impression=true Covid And Counterinsurgency Measures], ''The American Sun'', August 2021 * In an interview with The Economist last month, Bill Gates stated that millions of people in developing countries would die before the COVID-19 pandemic was over. He noted, importantly, that 90 percent of the deaths would not result from the virus itself, but from “indirect” effects. These include most prominently the economic impact of the pandemic, as well as other causes such as the overwhelming of medical and public health resources, which increases fatalities from other diseases. Gates was not exaggerating at all. It’s easy to see how this horror will materialize, if we project forward from the current situation. ** [[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://thehill.com/blogs/congress-blog/politics/519243-if-you-could-save-a-million-lives-would-you-do-it '''If you could save a million lives, would you''' do it?], ''The Hill'', (1 October 2020) * The World Food Program projects that the number of people facing acute hunger will nearly double this year, from 135 to 260 million. This is mainly a result of the economic impact of the pandemic: as the World Bank has noted, this is the worst global recession since the end of World War II, and the worst ever (since 1870) in terms of the number of countries pushed into recession. It creates poverty, extreme poverty and food shortages for hundreds of millions of people in developing countries. ** [[Mark Weisbrot]], [https://thehill.com/blogs/congress-blog/politics/519243-if-you-could-save-a-million-lives-would-you-do-it '''If you could save a million lives, would you''' do it?], ''The Hill'', (1 October 2020) * [[Pregnant]] women do not seem to be at higher risk of getting [[SARS-CoV-2]], the virus that causes [[COVID-19]]. However, studies have shown an increased risk of developing severe COVID-19 if they are [[infected]], compared with non-pregnant women of a similar age. COVID-19 during pregnancy has also been associated with an increased likelihood of preterm [[birth]].  ** [[World Health Organization]] '''[https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/coronavirus-disease-covid-19-pregnancy-and-childbirth Coronavirus disease (COVID-19): Pregnancy and childbirth]''' (30 August 2021 | Q&A) ([https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/coronavirus-disease-covid-19-pregnancy-and-childbirth video]) * ​In the light of the coronavirus pandemic, I focus [[w:Criticism of capitalism|criticism on capitalism]] and the [[Overaccumulation|vulnerabilities it has accumulated]] for several reasons. [[Viruses]] are part of [[nature]]. They have attacked human beings—sometimes dangerously—in both distant and recent history. [...] Alternative systems—those not driven by a profit-first logic—could manage viruses better. While not profitable to produce and stockpile everything needed for a viral pandemic, it is efficient. The wealth already lost in this pandemic far exceeds the cost to have produced and stockpiled the tests and ventilators, the lack of which is contributing so much to today's disaster. Capitalism often [[w:Profit motive|pursues profit]] at the expense of more urgent social needs and values. In this, capitalism is grossly inefficient. This pandemic is now bringing that truth home to people. ** [[Richard D. Wolff]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/04/06/covid-19-and-the-failures-of-capitalism/ "COVID-19 and the Failures of Capitalism"] (6 April 2020), ''{{w|CounterPunch}}'' *"...Who do you know that has ever said, “I’m going to get really drunk and then drive around on public roads?”; Who do you know that has ever said, “I’m going to go out in public, but I refuse to wear a face mask?” :Both these questions can end in the same result to any of us in Gadsden.....If you choose to drive a vehicle when you’re drunk,..., you are putting everyone on our highways in danger of possible injury — or even death....It’s the same as choosing not to wear a face mask in public. You’re putting everyone around you in danger by possibly exposing them to [[COVID-19]], ultimately leading to severe illness and even death for some....You’ll never even know that you injured someone or gave them the virus that caused their death.....I’ve heard some say, “It’s [[My body, my choice]].” It’s your choice for your body, but not my body, or all the general public’s bodies around you that you are exposing to the virus...." ** Diane Davis in [https://www.gadsdentimes.com/opinion/20200702/letter-to-editor-not-wearing-mask-is-like-driving-drunk Not wearing mask is like driving drunk,The Gadsden Times] 2020 Jaly, 20. == X == *The pandemic must be tackled together, united, and following science. Any attempt to politicize or stigmatize the pandemic must be rejected. ** [[Xi Jinping]] (September 22, 2020) *In dealing with the Covid-19 epidemic that suddenly exploded, we have given expression to the great love that unites human beings by adhering to the principle according to which people and human life must be put first, and we have written an epic of the struggle to the epidemic with intrepidity, aware of the fact that unity is strength. **[[Xi Jinping]] (December 31, 2020) == See also == * [[COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China]] * [[COVID-19 pandemic in France]] * [[COVID-19 pandemic in India]] * [[COVID-19 pandemic in Pakistan]] * [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States]] * [[COVID-19 testing]] * [[COVID-19 Vaccine]] * [[Coronavirus disease 2019]] * [[Impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on religion]] * [[SARS-CoV-2]] * [[Shortages related to the COVID-19 pandemic]] ==External links== {{Wikinews|COVID-19}} *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commons category-inline|COVID-19 pandemic}} *{{Wikivoyage-inline|COVID-19 pandemic}} *[https://www.zerohedge.com/covid-19/damn-you-hell-you-will-not-destroy-america-here-spartacus-covid-letter-thats-gone-viral Covid19 – The Spartacus Letter] (see:[[w:Zero Hedge|Zero Hedge]]) {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:COVID-19 pandemic}} [[Category:COVID-19 pandemic| ]] blksuln8kqwh44577z7bz1kqv6b14e8 0 229608 3155713 2842307 2022-08-18T01:21:25Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 a -> an wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': [[The King of Queens (season 1)|1]] [[The King of Queens (season 2)|2]] [[The King of Queens (season 3)|3]] [[The King of Queens (season 4)|4]] [[The King of Queens (season 5)|5]] [[The King of Queens (season 6)|6]] [[The King of Queens (season 7)|7]] [[The King of Queens (season 8)|8]] [[The King of Queens (season 9)|9]] | [[The King of Queens|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The King of Queens|The King of Queens]]''''' (1998-2007) is an American situation comedy series on the CBS network about a package deliveryman, his wife, and her father, who all live together in Queens, New York. ===Pilot [1.01]=== :''[An argument between Arthur and Carrie]'' :'''Arthur''': I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here! :'''Carrie''': That's four words. :'''Arthur''': Well, here's four more words for you: screw you! :'''Carrie''': That's two words. :'''Doug''': Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance. :'''Arthur''': Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh? :''[Arthur's house is on fire]'' :'''Arthur''': I wonder if it's too late to get insurance. ===Fixer Upper [1.12]=== :''[Song: "Christmas Don't Be Late" by The Chipmunks]'' ===Art House [1.24]=== ''(Arthur ask Doug he wants to move back in, then Doug wants Arthur take everything.)'' :'''Doug''': So, you want to move back in, huh? That would be real convenient for you, wouldn't it? You leave for a few days, you bounce around the outside world for a while like that bird who's "cuckoo for coca puffs," and you just waltz back in. You know what, Arthur? Take my basement back. It's yours. You know what? Fine. Take it. And while you're at it, why don't you-- why don't you take the TV, too? And-- and the foosball table, and, uh, hey, the couch. It's yours. It's all yours. Uh, hey, my mustard-strained jets blanket, huh? Oh, and-- and my baseball encyclopedia, oh and my x-rated video with the label, "bad news bears go to Japan," so Carrie won't notice it! ''(Arthur walks upstairs)'' :'''Doug''': Take it all, Arthur! Hey, what else can I get for you? Hey, do you want the flooring? 'Cause I could rip up the carpet. Come on, what else can I give you? How 'bout my kidneys? Come on, I have two! ''WHAT THE HELL?! TAKE 'EM BOTH, ARTHUR!!'' God, why should I have anything, right? ''ALL I DO IS GO TO WORK EVERY DAY AND PAY MY MORTGAGE ON TIME!'' '''AND WHEN IT'S NOT ON TIME, IT'S CERTAINLY WITHIN THE GRACE PERIOD!!''' '''''BUT I GUESS THAT MEANS NOTHING!!!''''' '''''NOTHING!!!''''' And you know what? That's fine. I'll just be a '''GUY GOING THROUGH LIFE WITH NO BASEMENT''' '''''AND NO KIDNEYS!!!''''' ''(Arthur walking the sidewalk)'' "(Doug runs to catch up with Arthur and ushers him home)" {{wikipedia|The King of Queens}} [[Category:The King of Queens seasons]] cso1wn0v00gci4qo5i3ruackjcpdje5 0 231112 3155571 3155078 2022-08-17T12:55:07Z 69.119.146.76 /* Under the Pledging Tree! */ wikitext text/x-wiki :'''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]]| [[Pokémon|Main]] This is a list of episodes in Pokémon XY: Kalos Quest, the eighteenth season of the Pokémon animated series. ==Pathway to Performance Partnering== ==Thawing an Icy Panic== :''[Ramos uses his Gogoat's Vine Whip to rescue Ash from Vanillish and Vanilluxe's wrath]'' :'''Ramos''': Hold on, whippersnapper, you'll freeze! :'''Ash''': Alright, I've got to stop those two! :'''Ramos''': Young man, attacking head on can be a good thing at times. Other times, you have to take the side roads. :'''Ash''': The side roads? What do you mean? <hr width=50%> :''[Ash had just discussed that he is here in Courmarine City for a Gym Battle]'' :'''Ramos''': A Gym Battle, eh? I'm sure the Gym Leader would be more than happy to accept your challenge. Well then, see you again. ''[Ramos rides on his Gogoat, heading back home]'' :'''Ash, Serena, Nurse Joy, Clemont and Bonnie''': Goodbye sir! :'''Clemont''': ''[freaks out because he realizes something]'' That man is a Grass-type Gym Leader! :'''Ramos''': ''[stops his Gogoat before turning around]'' Yes, I'm the Courmarine Gym Leader. I'll be waiting for ya! ''[continues riding back to his gym]'' ==The Green, Green Grass Types of Home!== :'''Ramos''': ''[seeing Ash tear through the weeds at a rapid pace]'' No, no. Ash, you mustn't yank the weeds out so carelessly. Look closely. ''[parts some weeds aways to reveal some new sprouts]'' See? If you get all caught up with the things that are right in front of ya, you may lose sight of what's important. :'''Ash''': Lose sight of what's important... :'''Ramos''': You see, the first thing you need to do is to calm your mind. If you observe closely with a calm mind, you'll be able to discern the important things, especially during Gym Battles. :'''Ash''': Right, I get you now! <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': Use Double Team! :''[Frogadier creates copies of itself and run around Weepinbell]'' :'''Ramos''': Well, that sure is an impressive Double Team. Weepinbell, Grass Knot! <hr width=50%> :''[As Frogadier uses its frubbles to cover itself from Weepinbell's Poison Powder]'' :'''Ramos''': I've never would have thought of that in a million years. :'''Clemont''': That explains his choice. :'''Ash''': Double Team, one more time! :'''Ramos''': No, not again. Weepinbell, Grass Knot! <hr width=50%> :'''Ramos''': ''[while petting his Gogoat]'' Ah, you're usually so calm. Instead, you're all fired up. You know, I'm all fired up too. Now off you go and use Razor Leaf! <hr width=50%> :'''Ramos''': No matter how many times you try, that move [Double Team] won't work. Vine Whip! ==Under the Pledging Tree!== :'''Serena''': ''[inside her thoughts]'' Wow. Ash and I are all alone. It's...it's almost like we're out on a date. :''[She opens her hand anticipating Ash might see and hold it.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Ash walks through a gate where he is greeted by raining confetti and three men in front of him congratulate him on his win.]'' :'''All three men''': Congratulations! :''[After "Who's That Pokémon?"] :'''The men''': You did it! :'''Man with glasses''': You have the distinct honor of being our one millionth customer! :'''Ash''': Who, me? :'''Man with glasses''': Give this young man a round of applause. ''[The crowd do so congratulating Ash on his win]'' :'''Boy''': Wow, congratulations! :'''Ash''': Thank you! :'''Man on the right side''': ''[He hands Ash a small gift box.]'' To commemorate this occasion, please accept this gift. :'''Ash''': Hey, thanks a lot. Really. :''[The scene changes to Ash and Serena riding a monorail.] :'''Ash''': ''[giggles]'' I never expected ''I'd'' be the one to get a gift. :'''Serena''': What'd they give you?! ''Please'' show me! Ash, come on! :''[Ash opens the tiny box, revealing a rolled-up blue ribbon.]'' :'''Ash''': Huh? :'''Serena''': Wow, that's such a pretty ribbon! :'''Ash''': Yeah... but I still have to get a present for all my Pokémon. :'''Serena''': I forgot all about that. :'''Ash''': ''[Groans]'' :''[As Serena is talking]'' Huh? :'''Serena''': Pikachu and the others will love anything you choose. All they care about is that the gift comes from you! :'''Ash''': You think? :'''Serena''': Sure! What would make you happy if you got a gift? :'''Ash''': Make ''me'' happy? Does it matter? :'''Serena''': Yeah, because they're ''your'' Pokémon. And they think just like you do! == The Moment of Lumiose Truth! == :''[Chespin walks into the bleachers grumbling over the fact that Clemont did not pick him for the battle]'' :'''Bonnie''': Huh? You're not battling, Chespin? :'''Chespin''': Chespin-pin! [No, I am not!] :'''Bonnie''': Then you can cheer with all of us! ''[Braixen and Pancham convince Chespin to do so as well]'' :'''Chespin''': Chespin Chespin! [Ok then! I'll do that!] <hr width=50%> :'''Clemont''': ''[recalls Heliolisk]'' Great job Heliolisk! Take a good rest! You surprised me. I really thought I had you on the ropes. Tell me what that opening you saw was. :'''Ash''': Its frills. :'''Clemont''': Huh? What about them? :'''Ash''': You see, every time Heliolisk uses an attack, it stops moving for a second. So all I had to do was watch and wait for that to happen. ''[Everyone stares in shock]'' It happens really fast, but with Hawlucha's speed, we could pull it off and then Hawlucha's High Jump Kick did the rest. == A Fashionable Battle! == :'''Bonnie''': That girl's a keeper! Please take care of my big brother? :''[Clemont grabs Bonnie with his Aipom Arm]'' :'''Clemont''': Uh, please! I told you to stop this a million times! :'''Bonnie''': But, Clemont, she looks really, really, really nice! :'''Clemont''': I don't need your help! I can find my own girlfriend, thank you! <hr width=50%> :'''Bonnie''': That girl's [Valerie] a keeper! Will you take care of my brother? :'''Valerie''': ''[confused]'' I'm a keeper? :'''Serena''': ''[embarrassed]'' Ah, Ah! It's nothing, it's nothing! Bonnie, stop it! :'''Bonnie''': But you can see how pretty Valerie is. <hr width=50%> :'''Sawyer''': Bagon, use Dragon Breath! ''[Bagon complies and hits Spritzee easily]'' Yeah! I landed the first attack! Huh? :''[The smoke clears and Spritzee appears unscathed!]'' :'''Spritzee''': Spritzee. [That's all you got?] :'''Sawyer''': How can it be? I'm sure it made contact. ''[It did, but he's about to find out why it did not work. As Sawyer ponders about it, Spritzee flies towards Valerie, who snickers a bit]'' :'''Clemont''': Ah, you see, Spritzee's a Fairy-type and Dragon-type moves have no effect at all on Fairy-types! ''[What is also worse is the fact that Dragon-types are weak to Fairy types]'' == Fairy-Type Trickery! == :''[Valerie walks over to her podium and takes a bow, finally meeting Ash face to face.]'' :'''Valerie''': I welcome you all to my gym. I believe your name is Ash, right? How many gym badges do you have? :'''Ash''': I have five of them right now and after this, I'll have six gym badges! :'''Valerie''': ''[giggles]'' Such spirit. You certainly are confident, aren't you? But I won't let you win that easily. <hr width=50%> :''[Valerie interacts with her Sylveon by speaking Sylveon's language, much to Ash and Pikachu's shock]'' :'''Ash''': It's just like Serena said. Valerie talks with Pokemon. :'''Valerie''': ''[hearing this, she looks back to Ash, but cheerfully admits...]'' Honestly, I've always wanted to be a Pokemon, so I managed to speak like one. :'''Ash''': Awesome. :'''Valerie''': It's true I can't communicate with all Pokemon but I can understand what most of what my Pokemon are telling me. :'''Sawyer''': She learned to talk to Pokemon because she wanted to BE a Pokemon?! :'''Valerie''': I use Fairy-type Pokemon in my Gym. I happened to be quite strong, so watch your step. <hr width=50%> :''[Sylveon swings Fletchinder around with its feelers]'' :'''Valerie''': So what do you think, Ash? Sylveon's ribbons can do more than just flutter beautifully, you see. While Fairy Types are graceful, they all possess dangerous hidden fangs. <hr width=50%> :''[Sylveon collapses and faints from Fletchinder's Steel Wing.]'' :'''Valerie''': ''[horrified]'' Sylveon! ''[The Furisode Girls all stare in shock as well]'' Kali, make the call! :'''Kali''': Right....Sylveon is unable to battle. Fletchinder wins. <hr width=50%> :''[Note: Since Kali is identified as the one in the Black Furisode, the other three Furisode Girls are based off the ones the player faces in Valerie's Gym in the Pokemon X and Y games.]'' :'''Linnea''': Valerie's using Trick Room! :'''Blossom''': And if so, that could only mean one thing... :'''Katherine''': Valerie's totally serious about this battle! <hr width=50%> :''[Trick Room deactivates]'' :'''Valerie''': ''[disappointed]'' Dear, we're out of time... :'''Ash''': Fletchinder, use Steel Wing! ''[Valerie is shocked by this attack]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fletchinder struck Spritzee with Steel Wing]'' :'''Ash''': Alright! :'''Valerie''': Not so fast. ''[Ash is confused]'' MOONBLAST! ''[Spritzee does so, knocking out Fletchinder]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Valerie''': Thank you, but I must say, your multiple Flame Charges were a good idea. It's been a while since I've been surprised like that. :'''Sawyer''': That Moonblast. That was another dangerous hidden fang. :'''Clemont''': Ash took much too long and he paid a heavy price for doing that. ''[Waiting too long for Trick Room to deactivate in order to strike]'' <hr width=50%> :''[As Ash sends in Hawlucha into battle, Hawlucha strikes multiple poses]'' :'''Valerie''': ''[highly amused]'' My, my! Quite an amusing Pokemon! <hr width=50%> :''[Hawlucha gets hit by Spritzee's Moonblast causing him to hit the Trick Room wall, but luckily, he is okay to continue]'' :'''Ash''': Yep, it's strong. :'''Valerie''': ''[surprised]'' My, you can talk to your Pokemon too, right? :'''Ash''': Not really talking. It's more like I can sense what they mean. I just kind of know. ''[Both Pikachu and Hawlucha agree with him]'' :'''Valerie''': ''[admirably]'' You have much promise. <hr width=50%> :''[Ash orders Hawlucha to stand still and watch Spritzee's movements]'' :'''Valerie''': He's such an interesting boy, so let's see what he's planning. ''[At this point, Spritzee stops zooming around]'' Use Gyro Ball. ''[Spritzee does so]'' :'''Ash''': Hawlucha, catch that! ''[Spritzee just fell right into Ash's trap! Gyro Ball is a Steel Type move and it does not work well against Fighting types like Hawlucha. As soon as Spritzee hits Hawlucha, Hawlucha grabs Spritzee and spins as well]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Ash merged victorious in his Gym battle]'' :'''Blossom''': I just can't believe Valerie lost... :'''Linnea''': I haven't seen that in so long. :''[Valerie walks over to her defeated Spritzee]'' :'''Valerie''': Spritzee! Sprit-Spritzee? [Spritzee, are you alright?] :'''Spritzee''': ''[weakly]'' Spritzee. [I think so.] :'''Valerie''': Sprit-Spritzee. [That's okay] You gave it your best effort. I'm so proud of you and Sylveon as well. ''[recalls her Spritzee and turns her attention to Ash.]'' That was truly well done! I haven't been that inspired in a while. <hr width=50%> :''[Valerie and her assistant, Kali, walk up to Ash.]'' :'''Valerie''': Ash, you know how a trainer's heart becomes one with their Pokemon when they're backed into a corner during a battle? I'm wondering, why is that? :'''Ash''': ''[a bit confused while looking at Pikachu, Fletchinder and Hawlucha]'' I'm not really sure...but I do know what you mean! :'''Valerie''': ''[smiles before handing Ash his 6th Kalos Gym Badge, the Fairy Badge]'' Here's proof that you won at the Laverre Gym. I present to you the Fairy Badge. Congratulations! ==Rivals: Today and Tomorrow!== :'''Bonnie''': Hey, Sawyer. What are you gonna do? :'''Sawyer''': I think I'm gonna head to the Coumarine Gym. :'''Ash''': That Gym's awesome! :'''Bonnie''': They've even got a monorail! :'''Clemont''': If I remember, the Gym Leader is Ramos. :'''Ash''': Yeah, and he's strong. Have fun and good luck! ==A Festival Trade! A Festival Farewell?== <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': What? No way! Pikachu's my.. Hey! Come back right now! :''[Smoke clears]'' :'''Ash''': Pikachu! :'''Pikachu''': Pika, Pika. [Ash, I'm right here.] ==Cloudy Fate! Bright Future!== :''[As the episode starts, we see many psychic trainers bonding mentally with their Psychic-type Pokemon. Olympia is watching while one of her assistants named Charlene is teaching the students]'' :'''Charlene''': Trust your heart with your Pokemon completely! And soon, you will have true vision! There is a heart, heart like hidden deep within our minds. The stars that will guide our lights from our minds to the vastness of space! Yes, we are all truly one with the universe! The truth, each and everyone of us is totally connected to the universe. <hr width=50%> :''[Olympia breaks up the fight between Ash and pals and Olympia's apprentice, Carrie, by using her telekinesis to confiscate Carrie's third Poke-ball. Everybody is shocked at Olympia' arrival]'' :'''Serena''': She's floating. :'''Bonnie''': It's so weird. :'''Clemont''': That must be Psychic power! :'''Olympia''': Stand down now, Carrie. :'''Carrie''': What? Stand down? :'''Olympia''': ''[already furious with Carrie]'' YOU HEARD ME! :'''Carrie''': Yes, ma'am...''[Charlene shows up also furious]'' :'''Charlene''': Hey! Do you have any idea what you just did, Carrie?! <hr width=50%> :'''Olympia''': The purpose of our appearance is to admonish Carrie for her actions. <hr width=50%> :'''Carrie''': Lady Olympia, I only did it to protect Anistar... :'''Olympia''': Silence, Carrie. :'''Carrie''': Yes, ma'am. :'''Charlene''': ''[still outraged with her fellow psychic trainer's behavior]'' This has become a bad habit of yours, Carrie! Acting on what YOU think Lady Olympia's vision of the future means?! HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS HAPPENED?!? <hr width=50%> :'''Professor Sycamore''': Oh my, you're Olympia! Gym Leader of the Anistar Gym! :'''Ash''': Gym Leader? :'''Olympia''': Indeed, I am. ==All Eyes on the Future!== :'''Olympia''': Keep an eye on the past as you decide who you will be in the future. Remember this as we battle. :'''Ash''': Right. My path is to get that seventh Gym Badge for sure. :'''Pikachu''': Pika! :'''Olympia''': Ha! ''[summons her two Meowstic]'' Then let us begin. You will be battling these Meowstic. <hr width=50%> :'''Olympia''': ''[seeing Ash struggling in battle]'' Well, well. Something wrong? Where's that spirit you showed before?! Alright, both of you [Meowstic] use Psyshock! <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': What do I do?! ''[looks at the ceiling of the Gym]'' Yeah! Pikachu, I want to try something! :'''Pikachu''': Pika? [What is it?] :'''Ash''': Okay now, listen closely...''[whispers plan to Pikachu]'' :'''Olympia''': Good, do what you can. This will be your test. :'''Ash''': I'm all ready. I'll pass your test! <hr width=50%> :'''Professor Sycamore''': Light Screen is not able to defend physical attacks. That was a marvellous idea! :'''Clemont''': Classic Ash battle strategy. Offence is the best defence. <hr width=50%> :''[Both Olympia's Meowstic take damage from their own attacks, Dark Pulse and Psyshock, due to Frogadier and Talonflame steering out of the way at the last second]'' :'''Olympia''': How clever. <hr width=50%> :'''Pikachu''': Pi, pi, pi. [Three, two, one.] :''[Pikachu opens up it's eyes and gives Ash a heads-up about the Future Sight attack]'' :'''Pikachu''': Pika, pi, pika, pika! [Ash, the Future Sight is coming now!] <hr width=50%> :'''Olympia''': Well done. That timing was what I was looking for. ''[to her two Meowstic]'' Are you still able to go on? Now both of you use Psyshock! ''[Tierno should take notes on this battle]'' [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] 1b3bkpvf89pivhl3w239xswxlrocckw 0 231346 3155593 3155501 2022-08-17T14:48:13Z 69.119.146.76 /* Till We Compete Again! */ wikitext text/x-wiki :'''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]]| [[Pokémon|Main]] This is a list of episodes from the 19th season of Pokemon, entitled, Pokemon the Series: XYZ. ==From A to Z!== :''[Bonnie, Pikachu, and Dedenne are playing in a pile of leaves outside of Anistar City.] :'''Clemont''': Let's go, Bonnie. :'''Bonnie''': Huh? :'''Dedenne''': Denne? :'''Ash''' We're really close to the Pokémon Center. :'''Bonnie''' 'Kay! :''[She laughs as she runs over to her bag, and Dedenne opens it to ride in it, but both are puzzled upon opening it. :Huh? Oh... :'''Serena''': Huh? Hey, Bonnie, what is it? :'''Bonnie''': There's something inside... :''[Pikachu's ears perk up, and the gang walks over to Bonnie to check the bag out.]'' :'''Ash''': Huh? :'''Dedenne''': Ne... :''[A chartreuse green blob-like creature with a red octagon mark, possibly a Pokémon, warbles as it awakens and turns towards Bonnie.]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[gasps in excitement as she notices the creature move inside her bag.]'' :''[The creature, understandably, is startled and warbles.] :'''Bonnie''': Wow, it moved! :''[The creature tries to escape, but is chased after by Bonnie.]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[laughs]'' Wait! :''[The creature and Bonnie go under Ash's legs before it bounces off of Bonnie and Serena's faces.]'' :'''Clemont''': Whoa! :'''Ash''': Wahh! What's that?! :'''Serena''': ''[groans from being struck in the face by the creature, who is now falling to the ground]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[with her arms outstretched]'' Come on! I've got you, yay! ''[She falls on her rear as she seemingly caught it in her hands, but...]'' :Haha! :''[The creature warbles, taunting Bonnie.]'' :Where'd it go? Huh? :''[The creature now wriggles inside her shirt, causing her to laugh hysterically.]'' :That tickles! :'''Clemont''': Bonnie, what are you doing?! :''[The creature escapes Bonnie's shirt, only to be caught in her hands.]'' :'''Bonnie''': There, I gotcha! :''[The creature wriggles in her hands and turns to Bonnie with an annoyed expression in its one pupil.]'' :Are you a Pokémon? Coochie-coo! ''[She starts tickling it, and it seems to fall asleep, but it wakes up annoyed before Bonnie starts to tickle it to exhaustion. She laughs hysterically.]'' :So cute! :'''Clemont''': I've never seen that Pokémon before... :'''Ash''': Oh, hold on! I'll use the Pokédex. :'''Serena''': We do have new ones! :'''Pikachu''': Pika! :''[Ash scans his Pokédex on the green Pokémon, but strangely, it tells him...]'' :'''Ash's Pokédex''': No data. :'''Ash''': Nothing... :'''Pikachu''': Pika...? :'''Serena''': Wait! Let me try. :'''Serena's Pokedex''': No data. :'''Serena''': Ah, it really didn't work after all! :'''Clemont''': So that means... ''it's a new kind of Pokémon?!'' :'''Ash''': Awesome! What a cool find! :'''Bonnie''': I've decided. :''[The creature, with a disappointed look in its eye, warbles in annoyed anticipation of Bonnie's decision.]'' :I'm gonna take care of it! :''[All except Bonnie gasp.]'' :'''Pikachu''': Pika?! :'''Clemont''': Bonnie, please don't forget; you don't know anything about it! :'''Bonnie''': I'll learn by taking care of it! ''[to the Pokémon]'' If you don't have a name yet, then I'll just give you one! Now, let me see... it's squishy... so I'll call you Squishy! ''[laughs, with her reflection visible in Squishy's eye.]'' :'''Ash''': That's a great name! Squishy! :'''Serena''': Nice to meet you, Squishy! :'''Clemont''': To think you always give ''me'' grief about unimaginative names... :'''Pikachu''': Pika! ''[runs off of Ash's shoulder to meet Squishy, along with Dedenne]'' :'''Dedenne''': Denne! :'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! :'''Bonnie''': I want you to meet Dedenne. :'''Dedenne''': Dedenne, denne! <hr width=50%> :''[Segueing into commercial break]'' :'''Ash, Serena, Clemont & Bonnie''': Who's that Pokemon? :''[a silhouette of Squishy is shown as its leitmotif plays.]'' :''[Segueing out of commercial break]'' :'''Ash, Serena, and Clemont''': Iiiit's... umm... :'''Bonnie''': ''[enthusiastically] Squishy!! :''[Squishy warbles.]'' ==Love Strikes! Eevee, Yikes!== ==A Giga Battle with Mega Results!== ==A Fiery Rite of Passage!== ==Dream a Little Dream from Me!== ==The Legend of the Ninja Hero!== ==A Festival of Decisions!== :''[Ash's Frogadier is glowing triggering its evolution!]'' :'''Ash''': Frogadier, whoa! ''[Frogadier's evolution sends Bisharp to fly backwards.]'' :'''Shinobu''': Frogadier is evolving! :''[A few seconds later, it is now a Greninja. Ash scans it with his Pokedex.]'' :'''Kalos Pokedex''': Greninja, the Ninja Pokémon, and the final evolved form of Froakie. Greninja can compress water into sharp-edged throwing stars. With the grace of a ninja, it slips in and out of sight to attack from the shadows. ''[Note: Greninja is the first fully evolved Water-type Starter to be owned by a main protagonist. This is because people are sick of the overused plot point of not allowing a main protagonist owned Water-typed Starter to fully evolve (Brock's Marshtomp, May's Wartortle, Dawn's Piplup, Ash's Squirtle, Totodile and Oshawott). In addition, many fans were fed up with the writers not allowing six of Ash's Water-type Pokemon to fully evolve (Squirtle, Totodile, Corphish, Buizel, Oshawott and Palpitoad). Hopefully, Ash will fully evolve the aforementioned other Water-type Pokemon reserves in the near future.]'' ==A Dancing Debut!== ==Meeting at Terminus Cave!== ==A Cellular Connection!== ==A Windswept Encounter!== ==Party Dancecapades!== :'''Serena''': ONE AT A TIME! WAIT YOUR TURN! You won't get brushed if you act up! ==A Meeting of Two Journeys!== ==An Explosive Operation!== ==A Watershed Moment!== ==Master Class Choices!== :'''Amelia''': Hold on! This is unacceptable! Mine was a much more polished performance than hers [Serena's] was! :'''Serena''': ''[eavesdropping]'' Is that... ''[Her Pokemon tell her to shush]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[annoyed]'' Yet the fact remains you lost. That's simply how the audience judged it. ''[Amelia gets pouty]'' Isn't there something more productive you could be doing now? :'''Amelia''': But I want to become a better performer than Aria! ''[Serena continues hearing it, a bit shocked]'' :'''Palermo''': You can't just win with a perfect score. The only person who could come up with something more than that is you. ''[In other words, whining to someone about the results of your performance is not going to benefit you in the long run. Amelia walks away taking the lesson to heart.]'' ==An Electrifying Rage!== ==Unlocking Some Respect!== ==Master Class is in Session!== ==Performing a Pathway to the Future!== ==A Keeper for Keeps?== :'''Bonnie''': Excuse me, but I'm hungry too, you know! :'''Clemont''': But you just ate a little while ago. :'''Bonnie''': Whatever. :'''Lilia''': Hey look. Buneary seems to like Bunnelby. :''[Lilia's Buneary cuddles up with Bunnelby, much to the jealousy of Chespin and Pancham and Bunnelby's discomfort]'' :'''Pancham''': ''[whispering into Chespin's ear]'' Pancham-cham. [I got an idea...] :'''Chespin''': ''[pushes Bunnelby away]'' Chespin...[Stand aside buddy.] :'''Buneary''': Bun? [Huh?!] :'''Chespin''': Chespin-ches! [Hey there cutie!] :'''Buneary''': ''[swats Chespin away with its ears]'' Buneary! [Go away!] :'''Pancham''': Pancham. [Hi sweetie!] :'''Buneary''': BUNEARY! [GET LOST!] ''[does the same thing to Pancham, before resuming its cuddling with Bunnelby]'' ==Battling at Full Volume!== :''[Ash is sick and lands headfirst into Serena's arms.]'' :'''Ash''': Now's our chance. Now. Now. :'''Serena''': What's wrong? :'''Ash''': I...I... :'''Serena''': "I" what? ''[Serena is now flustered, thinking Ash might admit his feelings to her, saying "I love you" or something similar. You know the drill...]'' :'''Ash''': I...I...Iron Tail, Pikachu...''[collapses, causing everyone else to panic!]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Serena appears wearing Ash's clothes! Braixen, Pancham, Sylveon all stare at her as if to say, "What the heck is she doing?! Did she just..."]'' :'''Serena''': ''[tries to put on Ash's voice]'' Here I am! I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. ''[Oh dear...]'' ==The Synchronicity Test!== ==Making Friends and Influencing Villains!== ==Championing a Research Battle!== :'''Diantha''': You take care of Ash, and I'll take care of this! :'''Clemont & Serena''': Right! :''[Diantha turns to face Team Rocket]'' :'''Diantha''': '''''Don't you dare underestimate my Gardevoir!''''' Now Gardevoir, full power! :'''Jessie''': A tone-deaf waste of time! ==A Full-Strength Battle Surprise!== ==All Hail the Ice Battlefield!== ==Seeing the Forest for the Trees!== ==A Real Icebreaker!== ==A Diamond in the Rough!== ==A Gaggle of Gadget Greatness!== ==A League of His Own!== :'''Malva''': Excuse me? ''[rushes over to Ash]'' Are you competing in the Kalos League? :'''Ash''': Uhhh...that's right. :'''Malva''': Will you let me interview you? :'''Ash''': Huh...you want to interview me? <hr width=50%> :''[As Ash rushes to the stadium to get ready for battle, he is intercepted by Everett, the Furfrou trainer from earlier.]'' :'''Everett''': So, we meet again. ''[Ash is shocked]'' Let's have a battle. :'''Ash''': But I've got a battle out there. :'''Everett''': You promised. :''[a flashback of Ash's promise is revealed]'' :'''Ash''': I know I did say the next time. ''[Pikachu is protesting]'' I'm keeping my word! I have to do it. ''[Are you crazy Ash? Don't you have an upcoming League battle to worry about?!]'' :'''Everett''': That's what I want to hear from a Trainer who won eight badges. A one on one battle, no holding back! <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': You're strong alright, but I'm just gonna have to beat you so I can get out there. I didn't make it to the Kalos League for nothing, you know. ''[All eight Kalos Gym leaders are shown with their badges: Viola and her Bug Badge, Grant and his Cliff Badge, Korrina and her Rumble Badge, Ramos and his Plant Badge, Clemont and his Voltage Badge, Valerie and her Fairy Badge, Olympia and her Psychic Badge, Wulfric and his Iceberg Badge]'' I've got a lot of memories associated with each and every Gym badge I've won. Get ready for this, I'll show you what they all mean. <hr width=50%> :''[Ash had just defeated Everett's Furfrou]'' :'''Everett''': Furfrou, no! :'''Ash''': ''[Bowing]'' Thank you for the battle. :'''Everett''': You really beat me. ''[Recalls Furfrou and starts sobbing when Ash walks past]'' I couldn't get all eight badges in time. The thing is, there are lots of trainers like me who wanted to compete here. All those trainers with all their dreams and all their hopes... you better win no matter what. ''[Note: While people do criticize Ash for losing leagues, one thing people can agree on is that at least Ash qualified for them. This was a reminder to fans that not all people are able to meet the requirements in time for the League.]'' ==Valuable Experience for All!== :'''Ash''': Almost time for the Kalos League! :'''Goodra''': Goodra! [Awesome!] : '''Ash''': If I can make it to the semi-finals, it'll be six on six. But right now, I only have five Pokemon. I thought maybe Professor Oak could send me one. Instead, there's someone else I want to battle with. :'''Goodra''': Goo? [Who?] :'''Ash''': And Goodra, that's you! Please battle by my side at the Kalos League! :'''Goodra''': Goo! Goodra! Goodra Goo! [Sure thing! I won't let you down! Thanks Ash!] ''[Note: Because of the release of Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire (Hoenn Remakes) around the time the XY initially aired, the writers reused the same premise by having Ash only rely on his Kalos team, exactly like he did in the Hoenn League. This is one of the main flaws of the XY series: it recycles way too many story elements from the Ruby and Sapphire anime. Also, this overused story element of Ash disregarding his reserves is getting old!]'' ==Analysis Versus Passion!== ==A Riveting Rivalry!== ==Kalos League Passion with a Certain Flare!== ==Finals Not for the Faint-Hearted!== ==Down to the Fiery Finish!== ==A Towering Takeover!== ==Coming Apart at the Dreams!== :''[Alain stares at the destruction of Lumiose City. He punches the ground in anger and frustration.]'' :'''Alain''': Mairin. Chespin. Is this the reason I had all those battles? All of them FOR THIS?! :[''Note: The whole purpose of Alain's victory at the Kalos League was to show an example of pyrrhic victory- winning at a terrible price. Alain may have been the better battler than Ash, but he was not a better person due to bringing destruction to Kalos.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Lysandre''': For Chespie's sake. For Mairin's sake too. Your wish had pure intent. A truly noble wish indeed. ''[Was your achievement really worth it, Alain?]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Lysandre''': So Ash, I'm going to use your Bond Phenomenon in service to my new world. You're able to gain the power strength without a Keystone, purely through your bond. When I saw that, I was thrilled. Ash, you have shown me there are limitless possibilities with Pokemon still and I want that power for myself. ''[two drones fly towards Ash and Greninja and shoot the two with a brainwashed ray]'' The energy is powerful enough to control Zygarde. But now, Ash, now, Greninja, I am also going to control your Bond Phenomenon. :'''Ash''': No way... :'''Lysandre''': From this point on, both of you will answer to me. ==The Right Hero for the Right Job!== ==Rocking Kalos Defenses!== ==Forming a More Perfect Union!== ==Battling With a Clean Slate!== ==The First Day of the Rest of Your Life!== ==Facing the Needs of the Many!== :''[Note: This is considered by many to be the worst episode in the anime's history, due to the release of Greninja, one of Ash's ace Pokémon, and bringing back the evil roots that were already destroyed during the Team Flare arc. But, after Zygarde gives context, some may think it's a reasonable sacrifice to keep Ash, his friends, and his world intact.]'' :'''Clemont''': It's YOU! :'''Serena''': Clemont, who's he? :'''Clemont''': XEROSIC! Team Flare's scientist! I battled him! :'''Xerosic''': True, I lost to you back then. But I'm miraciously back! And I'm now in the process of creating... Team Neo-Flare! <hr width=50%> :'''Zygarde (Z2)''': ''[in it's 50% Forme, speaking telepathically]'' Greninja, I've come to ask a favor of you. :'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Huh, is that...] :'''Serena''': Was that the voice of Zygarde? :'''Ash''': It's telepathy. :'''Zygarde''': The vines that reappeared, the roots have burrowed themselves deep into the ground, and they emerge by absorbing negative energy. What we destroyed was merely on the surface. The scars from the incident that nearly destroyed the world are deep! The two of us are destroying the roots that are scattered throughout Kalos one by one. :'''Squishy''': ''[telepathically]'' However, it's difficult for even ''me'' to pinpoint their exact locations, yet, Greninja, it seems that ''you'' are somehow able to locate them. :'''Greninja''': ''[in its Ash-Greninja form]'' Ja. [Yes] :'''Ash''': ''[gasps, then remembers the negative energy from the evil roots]'' So that was the ''negative'' energy...! :'''Zygarde''': I do not know why only ''you'' possessed that power, but I am in ''need'' of your assistance. :'''Squishy''': Will you help us with your power? :'''Bonnie''': Power? :'''Serena''': Does that mean...? ''[Yes Serena, it is happening...]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[Gasps as Ash walks up to Greninja, which is now faced with the decision of its life.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': What'll it be...? Greninja? :''Greninja turns around and closes its eyes in a serious manner.]'' :''[solemnly]'' I ''know''. What happened before can never happen again. :''[Greninja nods to Ash.]'' :Remember what Professor Sycamore said? :''[A flashback of Greninja taking Pikachu's deflected Electro Ball to keep Pikachu healthy as a Froakie plays out, followed by the scene where Ash rushes to Sycamore's lab with it barely conscious in his arms.]'' :That may be... it wasn't a coincidence that I met you way back when you were still a ''Froakie''. I think that maybe, he was right. It ''wasn't'' a coincidence. :''[Flashbacks of Froakie evolving into Frogadier and later defeating Anistar City Gym Leader Olympia play.]'' :That when you and I power up, it ''isn't'' an accident. Maybe your power was always meant for this moment. :''[Flashbacks of Frogadier evolving into Greninja, battling Sawyer's Sceptile, and saving a Spewpa in the Winding Woods, followed by it and Ash shaking hands, play.] :'''Greninja''': Ninja. :'''Ash''': Thanks. You always became stronger to help someone else. So now this time, you'll help Kalos and the ''world''! :It's like something's telling you that what you need to do now is find all that negative energy! Don't worry! We'll always be connected, even we're not in the same place! :The truth is, we won't ever ''really'' be apart. :'''Pikachu''': ''[concerned]'' Pikachu? :'''Ash''': This is what you've gotta do! :'''Greninja''': ''[nodding its head in understanding, realizing the future of the world of Pokémon lies in its hands]'' Gren. :''[It walks up to Ash and extends its arm out, then Ash and Greninja clasp hands and embrace.]'' :'''Ash''': ''[emotionally]'' Oh, Greninja... :'''Greninja''': ''[emotionally]'' Greninja... :''[Serena, Clemont and Bonnie watch in shocked sadness as Greninja turns away from Ash and walks towards Squishy and Z2.]'' :'''Ash''': ''[with tears in his eyes]'' That's right. This is how it has to be. :'''Greninja''': Greninja. ''[It extends its arm to Squishy.]'' :'''Squishy''': ''[telepathically]'' Thank you. :''[to Ash]'' Ash, Greninja will be in my care. :'''Ash''': Yeah! I'm counting on you, Squishy! :'''Bonnie''': ''[concerned about the future of her and Squishy's friendship]'' Hey, Squishy...? :'''Squishy''': We probably won't see each other for a while, Bonnie... :'''Bonnie''': ''[almost breaks down crying, but is suddenly cheerful through her tears]'' It's okay! I know that you've got a lot of important work to do! I'll always be cheering you on, you know? :'''Squishy''': I'll always be with you too, Bonnie. :'''Bonnie''': I'll come and find you when I become a Trainer! We'll be together again, that's a promise! ''[hopefully this becomes canon soon, same with Max and his Ralts friend...]'' :'''Dedenne''': ''[emotionally]'' Dedenne! :'''Squishy''': Yes, that's a promise! :''(Dedenne and the rest of Ash's Pokémon express their farewells to Squishy, Z2, and, most importantly, Greninja)'' :'''Ash''': Take care of yourself, Greninja! :'''Bonnie''': You too, Squishy! Take care!! :''(Greninja holds Squishy in its hand and looks back as it leaves Ash and his friends)'' :'''Greninja''': Greninja. :'''Narrator''': Greninja and Ash may be parting ways, but this also means the beginning of new encounters! In search of their own new encounters, our heroes will no doubt experience many new and exciting adventures, as the journey continues! ==Till We Compete Again!== :''[Dedenne, not wanting to say goodbye to Ash & Serena and their Pokémon, has run off, sending the gang in a chase around Lumiose Airport. Using Pikachu's electricity, they find it hiding behind a conveyor belt's TV screen.]'' :'''Bonnie''': Dedenne! Dedenne, come out! I'm begging you! :'''Dedenne''': ''[in protest]'' Ne... Ne! Denne! Dene-nne! :'''Bonnie''': Dedenne, you've just ''got'' to come out here! Please? :'''Dedenne''': Denne-denne! ''[breaks down crying]'' :'''Pikachu''': Pika... :'''Ash''': Dedenne... :'''Bonnie''': I know why... Dedenne doesn't want to say goodbye to everyone. :''[Talonflame's wing flapping sound can be heard.]'' :'''Pikachu''': Pika... :'''Bonnie''': ''[Her face sulks before she starts a speech.]'' What do I do? I need you, Dedenne! I understand what you're feeling! :''[Dedenne is seen still crying]'' (You) just know you want to stay together forever because we've all had so much fun together! Well, so do I. I love everyone too! :''[shots of Clemont, Serena and Ash, who completely understand the meaning behind Bonnie's speech and feel Dedenne's problem, are shown.]'' But we all have dreams of our own. Serena, Ash, and everyone wants to try to make their dreams come true! Sure, ''I'm'' really sad, but I've got to be strong! ''[Dedenne starts to wipe off its tears.]'' :''[holding her hand to her heart and speaking sincerely]'' When I get old enough, I'll be a Pokémon Trainer! And I'll want ''you'' to be my partner! :''[Dedenne's voice can quietly be heard as it stops crying, but is still teary-eyed.]'' : I'll become a Performer who's just as good as Serena! I'll earn a Gym Badge from my brother! We'll beat Ash and Pikachu! And then, we'll become number one in Kalos! (You might want to worry about beating Alain first...) ''[Shots of the gang in order of mention are seen, who are humbled by Bonnie's confidence to match what their feats throughout their journey together.]'' :''[Dedenne, still hiding, turns its head towards Bonnie.]'' :''[Bonnie is now cheerful, knowing her resolve when the time comes.]'' And so, let's dream too! We can say our goodbyes and still laugh together! What do you say? :'''Dedenne''': ''[coming out of hiding]'' Dedenne... Dedenne! ''[jumps emotionally into Bonnie's hands]'' :'''Pikachu''': ''[relieved that Bonnie was able to convince Dedenne to come out of hiding]'' Pika! :'''Dedenne''': Denne-ne-ne-ne... :'''Bonnie''': Hmmm... ''[nuzzling Dedenne]'' it's okay~! :''[Everyone walks toward Bonnie and Dedenne.]'' :'''Ash''': Dedenne, you can help Bonnie make her dreams come true! :'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! :'''Dedenne''': Denne...? :'''Clemont''': You'll see! We'll battle! :'''Serena''': I know I'm gonna have to do my best, or you'll beat me! :'''Braixen''': Braix! :'''Ash''': None of us wanna lose to you. :''[All the Pokémon voice their agreement.]'' :'''Bonnie''': You hear that? :'''Dedenne''': Denne! :''[Bonnie and Dedenne laugh.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The scene changes to a pair of escalators within the airport, where Serena is ready to say goodbye to Ash and the others and head for Hoenn.]'' :'''Airport Announcer''': Latias Airlines Flight H71 will finish boarding soon. Ticketholders who have not yet boarded, please proceed to the gate immediately. :'''Serena''': 'Kay, it's time to go! Ash, Clemont, Bonnie, you've all given me so very much. More than I can say! :'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! :'''Clemont''': Give us a call once in a while! :'''Bonnie''': You can be sure that we're all gonna come and visit you! :'''Serena''': ''[Her eyes shining, she giggles]'' Mm-hmm! :Ash, thank you. ''[holding her hand to the blue ribbon Ash gifted her]'' I'm glad I came with you. You're the kind of person I want to be! :'''Ash''' ''[gasps, having been taken aback by this sudden admittance]'' :''[Clemont and Bonnie look at each other and laugh, knowing exactly what she means, and are happy that ''Ash'' finally understands...~] :'''Serena''': Next time we meet, ''[winking]'' you're gonna like the type of person I've grown into! :'''Ash''': ''[confidently clenching his fist]'' Awesome! :'''Serena''': ''[laughs]'' See you! :''[Serena starts to descend down the escalator bittersweetly with the others seeing her off, but midway down, she realizes she owes Ash something for everything he's done for her...]'' :''[turns confidently toward Ash]'' Hey, Ash! There's just one more thing! :'''Ash''': ''[gasps]'' :''[Serena starts running up the downward escalator, and the camera turns to slow-motion. As she gets closer towards Ash, he becomes shocked and blushes, realizing what this 'one more thing" is: his very first kiss, and the climax of years of romantic tension between the two of them, although they can't build on it yet with her flight about to leave. (The camera only shows their feet however, as Japanese children's TV seems to be more sensitive than American kids shows.)]'' :''[Clemont, Bonnie and Pikachu, and especially Ash, are blushing as Serena descends down the escalator]'' :'''Serena''': ''[blushing especially hard]'' Thank you!! :''[Ash's eyes twinkle for a second, as he is stunned in awe by what Serena just did, but he then looks down confidently on her, knowing that he is looking much more forward to seeing the "new" Serena when they meet again.]'' :''[overlapping]'' :'''Clemont''': Bye, Serena! :'''Bonnie''': Byeeee!! ''[She and Dedenne strike a pose]'' :'''Ash''': Take care of yourself, Serena! Bye-bye! :''[Dedenne and Pikachu's voices overlap as well.]'' :''[Serena waves to the gang as she finishes her descent down the escalator.]'' [[Category:Anime and manga series]] tum4z69hawlknde93nr043afd1eimkt 0 231859 3155611 3146120 2022-08-17T17:35:21Z Informant16 2232905 /* Quotes about Cheney */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. ** Harriet Hageman, as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ ''Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump ‘obsession’ instead of Wyoming''] (17 August 2022) * She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. ** Harriet Hageman, as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ ''Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump ‘obsession’ instead of Wyoming''] (17 August 2022) * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are under attack by far-left advocates. She’s proud to be a co-sponsor of the Born-Alive Survivors Protection Act, and enthusiastically signed a discharge petition to bring this legislation to the House floor for an up-or-down vote. Babies who are born after failed [[abortion]] attempts deserve every possible protection, and those unwilling to support legislation to do that are endorsing a policy tantamount to infanticide. ** [https://cheneyforwyoming.com/protecting-life/ Protecting Life] (Signed onto a letter to the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies (Labor-HHS) * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] s6kz3tp3ewys5m59533tj76abw0iy2z 3155720 3155611 2022-08-18T01:33:08Z Kalki 71 start a new section, add quotes, image, formatting; moving an undated anonymous quote to talk page wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * We really are in [[God's country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here. I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you our work is far from over. <br /> Among the many, many blessings that we have as Americans, and as individuals and as human beings, the blessing of your family is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for truth honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is worthy of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.}Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] in1rq5gw7i763bzx8zkon02gqiwi4ik 3155730 3155720 2022-08-18T01:50:28Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for truth honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is worthy of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.}Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] 5glrydgc2f22k0qfz9mdtl7bnfnsrc0 3155732 3155730 2022-08-18T01:52:51Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.}Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] mwkjdrsjvwv4g07k3oqsekcj19ags4z 3155737 3155732 2022-08-18T02:37:46Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.}Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] jy637mghl4ge8k6zi8yz9jc4jxmcpxn 3155738 3155737 2022-08-18T02:41:33Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] bdigalsph23kfbvwjmzau8g4gekqeeb 3155739 3155738 2022-08-18T02:42:46Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins". ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] f64ykbul8t4huw3x4a6g0qld3ue47uy 3155740 3155739 2022-08-18T02:44:29Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] 6i1ofgp7xmkxgjwmdu96kbokf1gcgea 3155741 3155740 2022-08-18T02:48:11Z Kalki 71 /* Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] <!-- === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (12 May 2021) [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|]] :<small>[ (12 May 2021)]</small> --> === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we ''will'' [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] 9gc964vhi5xx25qtbqfmcb3uffpwom6 3155751 3155741 2022-08-18T03:38:18Z Kalki 71 add a section wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) === [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our [[duty]] as [[Americans]]. Remaining [[silent]] and ignoring the [[lie]] emboldens [[Donald Trump|the liar]].''' I will not participate in that.]] :<small>[[s:Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It|Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It]] (11 May 2021)]</small> * '''I rise to discuss [[freedom]], and our Constitutional [[duty]] to protect it. … I have been privileged to see firsthand how powerful and how fragile freedom is.''' Twenty-eight years ago, I stood outside a polling place, a schoolhouse in western Kenya. Soldiers had chased away people who were lined up to vote. A few hours later, they came streaming back in, risking further attack, undaunted in their determination to exercise their right to vote. In 1992, I sat across a table from a young mayor in Nizhny Novgorod, [[Russia]], and I listened to him talk of his dream of liberating his nation from Communism. Years later, for his dedication to the cause of freedom, [[Boris Nemtsov]] was assassinated by [[Vladimir Putin]]'s thugs. In Warsaw, in 1990, I listened to a young Polish woman tell me that her greatest fear was that people would forget: they would forget what it was like to live under Soviet domination, that they would forget the price of freedom. Three men — an immigrant who escaped Castro's totalitarian regime, a young man who grew up behind the Iron Curtain, and became his country's Minister of Defense, and a dissident who spent years in the Soviet Gulag — have all told me it was the [[miracle]] of [[America]], captured in the words of President [[Ronald Reagan]], that inspired them. And, I have seen the power of faith and freedom. I listened to [[Pope John Paul II]] speak to thousands in Nairobi in 1985, and 19 years later, I watched that same Pope take my father's hands, look in his eyes, and say "[[God]] bless America." <br /> God ''has'' blessed America, Mr. Speaker, but our freedom only survives if we protect it. If we honor our Oath, taken before God in this chamber, to support and defend the Constitution. If we recognize threats to freedom when they arise. <br /> '''Today, we face a threat America has never seen before: a former President, who provoked a violent attack on this Capitol in an effort to steal the election, has resumed his aggressive effort to convince Americans that the election was stolen from him.''' He risks inciting further violence. Millions of Americans have been misled by the former President. They have heard only his words, but not the [[truth]], as he continues to undermine our democratic process, sowing seeds of doubt about whether [[democracy]] really works at all. * '''I am a [[conservative]] [[Republican]], and the most conservative of conservative principles is reverence for the [[Rule of Law]].''' The Electoral College has voted. More than 60 state and federal courts including multiple judges the former president appointed have rejected his claims. The Trump Department of Justice investigated the former president's claims of widespread fraud and found no evidence to support them. The election is over. That is the Rule of Law. That is our constitutional process. '''Those who refuse to accept the rulings of our courts are at war with the Constitution.''' * '''Our duty is clear: every one of us who has sworn the Oath must act to prevent the unraveling of our democracy. This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our duty as Americans. Remaining silent and ignoring the lie emboldens the liar.''' I will not participate in that. I will not sit back and watch in silence while others lead our party down a path that abandons the Rule of Law, and joins the former President's crusade to undermine our democracy. * Attacks against our democratic process, and the Rule of Law, empower our adversaries, and feed Communist propaganda: that American democracy is a failure. We must speak the truth. Our election was not stolen, and America has not failed. I received a message last week from a Gold Star father, who said "'''Standing up for the truth honors all who gave all.'''" We must all strive to be worthy of the sacrifice of those who have died for our freedom. They are the patriots. [[w:Katherine Lee Bates|Katherine Lee Bates]] described in the words of ''America the Beautiful'' when she wrote "O beautiful, for heroes proved, in liberating strife, who more than self their country loved, and mercy more than life." <br /> Ultimately, Mr. Speaker, this is at the heart of what our Oath requires: that we love our country more. That we love her so much that we will stand above politics to defend her. That we will do everything in our power to protect our Constitution, and our freedom that has been paid for by the blood of so many. '''We must love America so much that we will never yield in her defense. That is our duty.''' === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)]</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we ''will'' [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] gxul07ignw1p3qy4nbptyman3xod6gk 3155752 3155751 2022-08-18T03:39:32Z Kalki 71 /* Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) === [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our [[duty]] as [[Americans]]. Remaining [[silent]] and ignoring the [[lie]] emboldens [[Donald Trump|the liar]]. I will not participate in that.]] :<small>[[s:Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It|Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It (11 May 2021)]</small> * '''I rise to discuss [[freedom]], and our Constitutional [[duty]] to protect it. … I have been privileged to see firsthand how powerful and how fragile freedom is.''' Twenty-eight years ago, I stood outside a polling place, a schoolhouse in western Kenya. Soldiers had chased away people who were lined up to vote. A few hours later, they came streaming back in, risking further attack, undaunted in their determination to exercise their right to vote. In 1992, I sat across a table from a young mayor in Nizhny Novgorod, [[Russia]], and I listened to him talk of his dream of liberating his nation from Communism. Years later, for his dedication to the cause of freedom, [[Boris Nemtsov]] was assassinated by [[Vladimir Putin]]'s thugs. In Warsaw, in 1990, I listened to a young Polish woman tell me that her greatest fear was that people would forget: they would forget what it was like to live under Soviet domination, that they would forget the price of freedom. Three men — an immigrant who escaped Castro's totalitarian regime, a young man who grew up behind the Iron Curtain, and became his country's Minister of Defense, and a dissident who spent years in the Soviet Gulag — have all told me it was the [[miracle]] of [[America]], captured in the words of President [[Ronald Reagan]], that inspired them. And, I have seen the power of faith and freedom. I listened to [[Pope John Paul II]] speak to thousands in Nairobi in 1985, and 19 years later, I watched that same Pope take my father's hands, look in his eyes, and say "[[God]] bless America." <br /> God ''has'' blessed America, Mr. Speaker, but our freedom only survives if we protect it. If we honor our Oath, taken before God in this chamber, to support and defend the Constitution. If we recognize threats to freedom when they arise. <br /> '''Today, we face a threat America has never seen before: a former President, who provoked a violent attack on this Capitol in an effort to steal the election, has resumed his aggressive effort to convince Americans that the election was stolen from him.''' He risks inciting further violence. Millions of Americans have been misled by the former President. They have heard only his words, but not the [[truth]], as he continues to undermine our democratic process, sowing seeds of doubt about whether [[democracy]] really works at all. * '''I am a [[conservative]] [[Republican]], and the most conservative of conservative principles is reverence for the [[Rule of Law]].''' The Electoral College has voted. More than 60 state and federal courts including multiple judges the former president appointed have rejected his claims. The Trump Department of Justice investigated the former president's claims of widespread fraud and found no evidence to support them. The election is over. That is the Rule of Law. That is our constitutional process. '''Those who refuse to accept the rulings of our courts are at war with the Constitution.''' * '''Our duty is clear: every one of us who has sworn the Oath must act to prevent the unraveling of our democracy. This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our duty as Americans. Remaining silent and ignoring the lie emboldens the liar.''' I will not participate in that. I will not sit back and watch in silence while others lead our party down a path that abandons the Rule of Law, and joins the former President's crusade to undermine our democracy. * Attacks against our democratic process, and the Rule of Law, empower our adversaries, and feed Communist propaganda: that American democracy is a failure. We must speak the truth. Our election was not stolen, and America has not failed. I received a message last week from a Gold Star father, who said "'''Standing up for the truth honors all who gave all.'''" We must all strive to be worthy of the sacrifice of those who have died for our freedom. They are the patriots. [[w:Katherine Lee Bates|Katherine Lee Bates]] described in the words of ''America the Beautiful'' when she wrote "O beautiful, for heroes proved, in liberating strife, who more than self their country loved, and mercy more than life." <br /> Ultimately, Mr. Speaker, this is at the heart of what our Oath requires: that we love our country more. That we love her so much that we will stand above politics to defend her. That we will do everything in our power to protect our Constitution, and our freedom that has been paid for by the blood of so many. '''We must love America so much that we will never yield in her defense. That is our duty.''' === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)]</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we ''will'' [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] s8bne9ilbz3356yi3jy5rvvyz9jotc5 3155753 3155752 2022-08-18T03:41:40Z Kalki 71 /* Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) === [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our [[duty]] as [[Americans]]. Remaining [[silent]] and ignoring the [[lie]] emboldens [[Donald Trump|the liar]]. I will not participate in that.]] :<small>[[s:Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It|Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It (11 May 2021)]]</small> * '''I rise to discuss [[freedom]], and our Constitutional [[duty]] to protect it. … I have been privileged to see firsthand how powerful and how fragile freedom is.''' Twenty-eight years ago, I stood outside a polling place, a schoolhouse in western Kenya. Soldiers had chased away people who were lined up to vote. A few hours later, they came streaming back in, risking further attack, undaunted in their determination to exercise their right to vote. In 1992, I sat across a table from a young mayor in Nizhny Novgorod, [[Russia]], and I listened to him talk of his dream of liberating his nation from Communism. Years later, for his dedication to the cause of freedom, [[Boris Nemtsov]] was assassinated by [[Vladimir Putin]]'s thugs. In Warsaw, in 1990, I listened to a young Polish woman tell me that her greatest fear was that people would forget: they would forget what it was like to live under Soviet domination, that they would forget the price of freedom. Three men — an immigrant who escaped Castro's totalitarian regime, a young man who grew up behind the Iron Curtain, and became his country's Minister of Defense, and a dissident who spent years in the Soviet Gulag — have all told me it was the [[miracle]] of [[America]], captured in the words of President [[Ronald Reagan]], that inspired them. And, I have seen the power of faith and freedom. I listened to [[Pope John Paul II]] speak to thousands in Nairobi in 1985, and 19 years later, I watched that same Pope take my father's hands, look in his eyes, and say "[[God]] bless America." <br /> '''God ''has'' blessed America, Mr. Speaker, but our freedom only survives if we protect it.''' If we honor our Oath, taken before God in this chamber, to support and defend the Constitution. If we recognize threats to freedom when they arise. <br /> '''Today, we face a threat America has never seen before: a former President, who provoked a violent attack on this Capitol in an effort to steal the election, has resumed his aggressive effort to convince Americans that the election was stolen from him.''' He risks inciting further violence. Millions of Americans have been misled by the former President. They have heard only his words, but not the [[truth]], as he continues to undermine our democratic process, sowing seeds of doubt about whether [[democracy]] really works at all. * '''I am a [[conservative]] [[Republican]], and the most conservative of conservative principles is reverence for the [[Rule of Law]].''' The Electoral College has voted. More than 60 state and federal courts including multiple judges the former president appointed have rejected his claims. The Trump Department of Justice investigated the former president's claims of widespread fraud and found no evidence to support them. The election is over. That is the Rule of Law. That is our constitutional process. '''Those who refuse to accept the rulings of our courts are at war with the Constitution.''' * '''Our duty is clear: every one of us who has sworn the Oath must act to prevent the unraveling of our democracy. This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our duty as Americans. Remaining silent and ignoring the lie emboldens the liar.''' I will not participate in that. I will not sit back and watch in silence while others lead our party down a path that abandons the Rule of Law, and joins the former President's crusade to undermine our democracy. * Attacks against our democratic process, and the Rule of Law, empower our adversaries, and feed Communist propaganda: that American democracy is a failure. We must speak the truth. Our election was not stolen, and America has not failed. I received a message last week from a Gold Star father, who said "'''Standing up for the truth honors all who gave all.'''" We must all strive to be worthy of the sacrifice of those who have died for our freedom. They are the patriots. [[w:Katherine Lee Bates|Katherine Lee Bates]] described in the words of ''America the Beautiful'' when she wrote "O beautiful, for heroes proved, in liberating strife, who more than self their country loved, and mercy more than life." <br /> Ultimately, Mr. Speaker, this is at the heart of what our Oath requires: that we love our country more. That we love her so much that we will stand above politics to defend her. That we will do everything in our power to protect our Constitution, and our freedom that has been paid for by the blood of so many. '''We must love America so much that we will never yield in her defense. That is our duty.''' === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)]</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we ''will'' [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] 0n9e1hn8k1dguh33dzg76ri7vawdjty 3155799 3155753 2022-08-18T09:00:36Z Kalki 71 /* Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) */ WP > WQ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|thumb|Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.]] '''[[w:Liz Cheney|Elizabeth Lynne Cheney]]''' [[w:Help:IPA/English|(/ˈtʃeɪni/]]; born [[28 July]] [[1966]]) is an American attorney and politician who has been the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Wyoming's at-large congressional district|Wyoming's at-large congressional district]] since 2017. She was [[w:Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs|Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs]] in the [[w:George W. Bush administration|George W. Bush administration]] and chaired the [[w:House Republican Conference|House Republican Conference]], the third-highest position in the House Republican leadership, from 2019 to 2021. ==Quotes== [[File:AbuGhraibAbuse-standing-on-box.jpg|thumb|The U.S. does not [[torture]].]] [[File:2021 United States Capitol VOA 1.jpg|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and [[2021 United States Capitol attack|lit the flame of this attack]]. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]].]] [[File:Cassidy Hutchinson (cropped).png|thumb| I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. [[United States|Our nation]] is preserved by those who abide by their [[oaths]] to [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental [[difference]] between [[Righteousness|right]] and [[wrong]].]] *Sometimes there is a tendency to talk about women as though we are a herd...women believe this or women want that. But we very much vote on the issues depending on what's important. ** As quoted in "New Bush Campaign Aims to Appeal to Women Voters" by G. Robert Hillman, ''Dallas Morning News'' (12 May 2004) *The U.S. does not torture; in fact, what holds up the release from Guantanamo is getting a guarantee from their governments that they won't be tortured. Guantanamo and prisons in Afghanistan are completely consistent with international obligations. Just because the Geneva Convention might not technically apply does not mean that America does not treat people with the spirit of the convention. . . . While we are doing things militarily in the war on terror, we are also spreading hope and opportunity so that the young people do not become recruits for the terrorists. ** As quoted in "Correcting Perceptions About America is My Job: Liz Cheney" by Maha Akeel, ''Arab News'' (16 November 2005)] *'''Find something you really love and make it your career. Don't let anyone discourage you or tell you it's not practical.''' I have loved the Middle East since I was a little girl. I read my first book about ancient Egypt when I was 10, and I've been hooked ever since. . . I have been blessed to have had great, strong women mentors, beginning with my mother. I have also met incredibly impressive women in the Arab world. They are demonstrating enormous courage as they work to expand women's rights and human freedom in their countries. I am inspired to work harder every time I spend time with them. ** As quoted in "What I Learned: Whether they're running universities, political campaigns or major corporations, these 11 remarkable women have found their own ways of overcoming obstacles" by Barbara Kantrowitz and Holly Peterson, ''Newsweek'' (October 15, 2007) * It is incredible, but not surprising, that the Democrats would try to remove [[God]] from committee proceedings in one of their first acts in the majority. They really have become the party of [[Karl Marx]]. ** As quoted in "House democrats to strike 'so help me God' from oath", ''Breitbart News'' (29 January 2019) *On January 6, 2021 a violent mob attacked the United States Capitol to obstruct the process of our democracy and stop the counting of presidential electoral votes. This insurrection caused injury, death and destruction in the most sacred space in our Republic. .... The President of the United States summoned this mob, assembled the mob, and lit the flame of this attack. .... There has never been a greater betrayal by a President of the United States of his office and his oath to the Constitution. I will vote to impeach the President. ** As quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/01/13/liz-cheney-explains-why-shes-voting-impeach-president-donald-trump/6652418002/ "Read the statement from GOP Rep. Liz Cheney, chair of the House GOP Conference, on why she'll vote to impeach Donald Trump" by Ledyard King, ''USA Today'' (13 January 2021)] * The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system. ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/05/03/politics/liz-cheney-criticism-trump-big-lie/index.html "Cheney calls out Trump's latest attempt to promote 'BIG LIE' amid criticism from within her own party, by Alex Rogers and Manu Raju (3 May 2021)] * Mr. [[Bannon]]'s and Mr. [[Trump]]'s privilege arguments do appear to reveal one thing, however: they suggest that President Trump was personally involved in the planning and execution of [[January 6th]] ** As quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/20/politics/liz-cheney-trump-bannon-january-6/index.html "Liz Cheney: Bannon refusal to cooperate suggests Trump was 'personally involved' in planning January 6", ''CNN'' (20 October 2021)] * These text messages leave no doubt: The White House knew exactly [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|what was happening]] here at the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]] ** As quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/13/politics/trump-jr-text-mark-meadows-january-6/index.html "Donald Trump Jr. said his father needed to 'condemn' Capitol violence as it unfolded, Meadows' texts reveal", ''CNN'' (14 December 2021)] * The Wyoming GOP, led by an [[w:Oath Keeper|Oath Keeper]] who was at the [[2021 United States Capitol attack|U.S. Capitol on Jan 6]] and advocates [[w:secession|secession]], rejected the vast majority of [[delegates]] from our two largest counties. Our state party is broken. Wyoming deserves better. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1524105531950092290?cxt=HHwWhMC-gYD62qYqAAAA Tweet<!-- (12:14 PM --> (10 May 2022)] * [[The House]] [[GOP]] leadership has enabled [[white nationalism]], [[white supremacy]], and [[anti-semitism]]. '''History has taught us that what begins with words ends in far worse.''' @GOP leaders must renounce and reject these views and those who hold them. ** [https://twitter.com/Liz_Cheney/status/1526159124840558592?cxt=HHwWgMC9revogK4qAAAA tweet (16 May 2022)] * Those who [[2021 United States Capitol attack|invaded our Capitol]] and battled law enforcement for hours were motivated by what [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] had told them — that the [[election]] was stolen, and that he was the rightful [[President of the United States|President]]. <br /> President Trump summoned the [[mob]], assembled the mob and lit the flame of this attack. You will also hear about plots to commit [[seditious]] [[conspiracy]] on January 6th, a [[crime]] [[defined]] in our [[laws]] as conspiring to overthrow, put down, or destroy by force the [[government]] of the [[United States]], or to [[oppose]] by [[force]] the [[authority]] thereof. … On the morning of January 6th, President Donald Trump's [[intention]] was to remain President of the United States, despite the lawful outcome of [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]], and in violation of his constitutional [[obligation]] to relinquish [[power]]. <br /> Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated seven-part [[plan]] to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power. <br /> In our hearings, you will see [[evidence]] of each element of this plan. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--GZm_637xo Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''CNN'' (9 June 2022)] · [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/se/date/2022-06-09/segment/02 Transcript at ''CNN''] * I would urge all of those watching today to focus on the evidence the committee will present. Don't be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence. <br /> Finally I want to thank our witnesses today for all of your service to our country. <br /> Today America will learn about the selfless actions of these men and women who acted honorably to uphold the law, protect our freedom and preserve our Constitution. Today Mr. Chairman we will all see an example of what truly makes America great. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KakS8YmwTc Opening Statement as Vice Chair of the 4th public hearing of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (21 June 2022)] * I want to begin by thanking [[w:Cassidy Hutchinson|Ms. Hutchison]] for her testimony today. We are all in her debt. Our nation is preserved by those who abide by their oaths to our Constitution. Our nation is preserved by those who know the fundamental difference between right and wrong. I want all Americans to know that what Ms. Hutchison has done today is not easy. The easy course is too hide from the spotlight -- to refuse to come forward, to attempt to downplay or to deny what happened. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?521387-1/sixth-hearing-investigation-capitol-attack Closing remarks in the 6th session of the January 6 Select Committee of the House of Representatives, as broadcast on ''C-SPAN'' (28 June 2022)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqFE9YtsWFg Clip of closing remarks on ''PBS'' at YouTube] * Let me also say this to the little girls and the young [[women]] who are watching tonight: these days, for the most part, [[men]] are running the world and it is really not going that well ** '''[https://www.businessinsider.com/liz-cheney-men-running-the-world-not-going-that-well-reagan-library-2022-6 Liz Cheney says 'men are running the world and it is really not going that well' in Reagan Library speech]''' (June 29, 2022, in [[w:Simi Valley]], [[California]]) * Some Republicans are "enabling" former President Donald Trump’s "lies," they "cannot both be loyal to Donald Trump and loyal to the Constitution." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLAu2SnpFeg Liz Cheney: Republicans Cannot Be Both Loyal To Trump And The Constitution] (Jun 30, 2022) [[Youtube]] video *'''Karl''': Have these hearings gotten you closer to that goal -- making him toxic and not a viable candidate?<br>'''Liz Cheney''': That's not the goal of the hearings. It's crucial for the country to make sure that he's never anywhere near the Oval Office again. The goal of the hearings is to make sure that the American people understand what happened; to help inform legislation, legislative changes that we might need to make," she said. "I think it's also the case that there's not a single thing that I have learned, as we have been involved in this investigation, that has made me less concerned. '''There's no question: A man as dangerous as Donald Trump can absolutely never be anywhere near the Oval Office ever again.''' ** ''This Week'' interview, as quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/prosecuting-trump-jan-fuel-graver-threat-liz-cheney/story?id=86132933 ''Not prosecuting Trump for Jan. 6 would fuel a 'much graver threat,' Liz Cheney says''] (3 July 2022) * At the very outset of our hearings, we described several elements of [[Donald Trump|President Trump]]'s multipart [[plan]] to overturn [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. Our hearings have now covered all but one of those elements, an organized campaign to [[persuade]] millions of Americans of a [[falsehood]] that the 2020 election was stolen by widespread fraud; a [[corrupt]] effort to pressure [[Mike Pence|Vice President Pence]] to refuse to count electoral votes; an effort to corrupt the US Department of Justice; efforts to pressure state election officials and legislators to [[change]] state election [[results]]; a scheme to create and submit fake electoral slates from multiple states. And today, you saw how President Trump summoned a [[mob]] to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for January 6th, and then knowing that that mob was armed, [[2021 United States Capitol attack|directed that mob to the United States Capitol]]. Every one of these elements of the planning for January 6th is an independently serious matter. They were all ultimately focused on overturning the election, and they all have one other thing in common. <br /> Donald Trump participated in each, substantially and personally. He oversaw or directed the activity of those involved. ** Closing remarks of the seventh public hearing of the [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2022/07/12/1111123258/jan-6-committee-hearing-transcript "Here's every word from the seventh Jan. 6 committee hearing on its investigation", ''NPR'' (12 July 2022)] === Our Freedom Only Survives If We Protect It (11 May 2021) === [[File:C-Span speech of Republican Liz Cheney May 12 2021 clip.4928297.MP4-M20.webm|thumb|This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our [[duty]] as [[Americans]]. Remaining [[silent]] and ignoring the [[lie]] emboldens [[Donald Trump|the liar]]. I will not participate in that.]] :<small>[[s:Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It|Representative Liz Cheney on Freedom and Our Duty to Protect It (11 May 2021)]]</small> * '''I rise to discuss [[freedom]], and our Constitutional [[duty]] to protect it. … I have been privileged to see firsthand how powerful and how fragile freedom is.''' Twenty-eight years ago, I stood outside a polling place, a schoolhouse in western Kenya. Soldiers had chased away people who were lined up to vote. A few hours later, they came streaming back in, risking further attack, undaunted in their determination to exercise their right to vote. In 1992, I sat across a table from a young mayor in Nizhny Novgorod, [[Russia]], and I listened to him talk of his dream of liberating his nation from Communism. Years later, for his dedication to the cause of freedom, [[Boris Nemtsov]] was assassinated by [[Vladimir Putin]]'s thugs. In Warsaw, in 1990, I listened to a young Polish woman tell me that her greatest fear was that people would forget: they would forget what it was like to live under Soviet domination, that they would forget the price of freedom. Three men — an immigrant who escaped Castro's totalitarian regime, a young man who grew up behind the Iron Curtain, and became his country's Minister of Defense, and a dissident who spent years in the Soviet Gulag — have all told me it was the [[miracle]] of [[America]], captured in the words of President [[Ronald Reagan]], that inspired them. And, I have seen the power of faith and freedom. I listened to [[Pope John Paul II]] speak to thousands in Nairobi in 1985, and 19 years later, I watched that same Pope take my father's hands, look in his eyes, and say "[[God]] bless America." <br /> '''God ''has'' blessed America, Mr. Speaker, but our freedom only survives if we protect it.''' If we honor our Oath, taken before God in this chamber, to support and defend the Constitution. If we recognize threats to freedom when they arise. <br /> '''Today, we face a threat America has never seen before: a former President, who provoked a violent attack on this Capitol in an effort to steal the election, has resumed his aggressive effort to convince Americans that the election was stolen from him.''' He risks inciting further violence. Millions of Americans have been misled by the former President. They have heard only his words, but not the [[truth]], as he continues to undermine our democratic process, sowing seeds of doubt about whether [[democracy]] really works at all. * '''I am a [[conservative]] [[Republican]], and the most conservative of conservative principles is reverence for the [[Rule of Law]].''' The Electoral College has voted. More than 60 state and federal courts including multiple judges the former president appointed have rejected his claims. The Trump Department of Justice investigated the former president's claims of widespread fraud and found no evidence to support them. The election is over. That is the Rule of Law. That is our constitutional process. '''Those who refuse to accept the rulings of our courts are at war with the Constitution.''' * '''Our duty is clear: every one of us who has sworn the Oath must act to prevent the unraveling of our democracy. This is not about policy. This is not about partisanship. This is about our duty as Americans. Remaining silent and ignoring the lie emboldens the liar.''' I will not participate in that. I will not sit back and watch in silence while others lead our party down a path that abandons the Rule of Law, and joins the former President's crusade to undermine our democracy. * Attacks against our democratic process, and the Rule of Law, empower our adversaries, and feed Communist propaganda: that American democracy is a failure. We must speak the truth. Our election was not stolen, and America has not failed. I received a message last week from a Gold Star father, who said "'''Standing up for the truth honors all who gave all.'''" We must all strive to be worthy of the sacrifice of those who have died for our freedom. They are the patriots. [[Katharine Lee Bates]] described in the words of ''America the Beautiful'' when she wrote "O beautiful, for heroes proved, in liberating strife, who more than self their country loved, and mercy more than life." <br /> Ultimately, Mr. Speaker, this is at the heart of what our Oath requires: that we love our country more. That we love her so much that we will stand above politics to defend her. That we will do everything in our power to protect our Constitution, and our freedom that has been paid for by the blood of so many. '''We must love America so much that we will never yield in her defense. That is our duty.''' === 8th public session of the US House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (21 July 2022) === [[File:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack Logo (Blue).png|thumb|[[Donald Trump|President Trump]] declared [[victory]] when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new [[Steve Bannon]] audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated. Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual [[evidence]] of fraud or not.]] :<small> [[w:United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack|United States House Select Committee on the January 6 Attack]], as quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/read-full-remarks-rep-liz-cheney-delivers-closing-statement-prime-time-rcna39569 Full text at "Rep. Liz Cheney delivers closing statement at prime-time Jan. 6 hearing", NBC News'' (22 July 2022)]</small> * Let me again thank our witnesses today. We have seen bravery and honor in these hearings, and Ms. Matthews and Mr. Pottinger, both of you will be remembered for that, as will Cassidy Hutchinson. She sat here alone, took the oath and testified before millions of Americans. She knew all along that she would be attacked by President Trump, and by the 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men who hide themselves behind executive privilege. But like our witnesses today, she has courage, and she did it anyway. Cassidy, Sarah and our other witnesses, including officer Caroline Edwards, Shaye Moss and her mother Ruby Freeman, are an inspiration to American women and to American girls. We owe a debt to all of those who have and will appear here. * '''This committee has shown you the testimony of dozens of Republican witnesses, those who served President Trump loyally for years. The case against Donald Trump in these hearings is not made by witnesses who were his political enemies; it is instead a series of confessions by Donald Trump’s own appointees, his own friends, his own campaign officials, people who worked for him for years, and his own family.''' They have come forward and they have told the American people the truth. And for those of you who seem to think the evidence would be different if Republican Leader McCarthy had not withdrawn his nominees from this committee, let me ask you this: Do you really think Bill Barr is such a delicate flower that he would wilt under cross examination? Pat Cipillone? Eric Herschmann? Jeff Rosen? Richard Donoghue? Of course they aren’t. None of our witnesses are. * '''President Trump declared victory when his own campaign advisors told him he had absolutely no basis to do so. What the new Steve Bannon audio demonstrates is that Donald Trump’s plan to falsely claim victory in 2020 – no matter what the [[facts]] actually were – was premeditated.''' Perhaps worse, Donald Trump believed he could convince his voters to buy it, whether he had any actual evidence of fraud or not. <br /> And this same thing continued to occur from Election Day onward until January 6th. '''Donald Trump was confident that he could convince his supporters that the election was stolen no matter how many lawsuits he lost, and he lost scores of them. He was told over and over again, in immense detail, that the election was not stolen, there was no evidence of widespread fraud.''' It didn’t matter. Donald Trump was confident he could persuade his supporters to believe whatever he said, no matter how outlandish, and ultimately that they could be summoned to Washington to help him remain president for another term. '''As we showed you last week, even President Trump’s legal team, led by [[Rudy Giuliani]], knew they had no actual evidence to demonstrate the election was stolen.''' Again, it didn’t matter. * Here is the worst part: Donald Trump knows that millions of Americans who supported him would stand up and defend our nation were it threatened. They would put their lives and freedom at stake to protect her. And he is preying on their patriotism. He is preying on their sense of justice. And on January 6th, Donald Trump turned their love of country into a weapon against our Capitol and our Constitution. '''He has purposely created the false impression that America is threatened by a foreign force controlling voting machines, or that a wave of tens of millions of false ballots were secretly injected into our election system, or that ballot workers have secret thumb drives and are stealing elections with them. All complete nonsense. We must remember that we cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * '''In late November of 2020, while President Trump was still pursuing lawsuits, many of us were urging him to put any genuine evidence of fraud forward in the courts and to accept the outcome of those cases.''' As January 6th approached, I circulated a memo to my Republican colleagues explaining why our congressional proceedings to count electoral votes could not be used to change the outcome of the election. But what I did not know at the time was that President Trump’s own advisors, also Republicans, also conservatives, including his White House counsel, his Justice Department, his campaign officials, they were all telling him almost exactly the same thing I was telling my colleagues: '''There was no evidence of fraud or irregularities sufficient to change the election outcome.''' Our courts had ruled. It was over. '''Now we know that it didn’t matter what any of us said because Donald Trump wasn’t looking for the right answer legally or the right answer factually. He was looking for a way to remain in office.''' * <!-- Let’s put that aside for a moment and focus just on what we saw today. -->'''In our hearing tonight, you saw an American president faced with a stark, unmistakable choice between right and wrong. There was no ambiguity, no nuance.''' Donald Trump made a purposeful choice to violate his oath of office, to ignore the ongoing violence against law enforcement, to threaten our Constitutional order. '''There is no way to excuse that behavior. It was indefensible.''' <br /> And every American must consider this: Can a president who is willing to make the choices Donald Trump made during the violence of January 6th ever be trusted with any position of authority in our great nation again? * In this room, in 1918, the Committee on Woman Suffrage convened to discuss and debate whether women should be granted the right to vote. This room is full of history, and we on this committee know we have a solemn obligation not to idly squander what so many Americans have fought and died for. [[Ronald Reagan]]’s great ally, [[Margaret Thatcher]], said this: "Let it never be said that the dedication of those who love freedom is less than the determination of those who would destroy it." <br /> Let me assure every one of you this: '''Our committee understands the gravity of this moment, the consequences for our nation.''' We have much work yet to do, and we will see you all in September. === Now The Real Work Begins (16 August 2022) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. ]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xywJaGsPnvo "Now The Real Work Begins", ''The Great Task'' - YouTube video (16 August 2022) ]</small> * '''We really are in [[God]]'s country. And it's wonderful to welcome so many here.''' I want to say first of all, a special thanks to every member of Team Cheney, who is here in the audience, and to tell you '''our work is far from over.''' <br /> Among the many, many [[blessings]] that we have as Americans, and as [[individuals]] and as [[human]] [[beings]], the blessing of your [[family]] is surely the most important. And so I want to thank all my family and pay a special tribute to those who are here with us tonight. * A little over a year ago, I received a note from a [[w:Service flag|Gold Star father]]. He said to me, "'''Standing up for [[truth]] honors all who gave all'''," and I have thought of his words every single day since then. I've thought of them because they are a reminder of how we must all conduct ourselves. '''We must conduct ourselves in a way that is [[worthy]] of the men and women who wear the uniform of this nation. And in particular, of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.''' <br /> '''This is not a game.''' Every one of us must be committed to the eternal [[defense]] of this miraculous experiment called [[America]] and at the [[heart]] of our democratic process — our [[elections]]. They are the foundational [[principle]] of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. * A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I go along with [[President Trump]]'s [[lie]] about [[2020 United States presidential election|the 2020 election]]. '''It would have required that I enable his ongoing [[efforts]] to unravel our democratic system and attack the foundations of our [[republic]]. That was a path I could not and would not take.''' <br /> '''No [[United States Congress|House seat]], no office in this land is more [[important]] than the principles that we are all sworn to protect, and I well understood the potential political [[consequences]] of abiding by my [[duty]]'''. Our republic relies upon the [[goodwill]] of all candidates for office to [[accept]] [[honorably]] the outcome of elections. And tonight, [[w:Harriet Hageman|Harriet Hageman]] has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. '''This primary election is over but [[now]] the real work begins.''' * The great and original champion of our party, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our [[obligation]] as Americans for all of history. [[w:Gettysburg Address|Speaking at Gettysburg]] of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, "That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth." <br /> '''As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task.''' * '''Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering.''' Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception. We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend. <br /> '''Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our nation and its blessings to ensure that freedom will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this constitutional republic.''' Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen [[2021 United States Capitol attack|what we saw on January 6]]. Like so many Americans, I assumed that the [[violence]] and the [[chaos]] of that day would have prompted a [[united]] response, a recognition that this was a line that must never be crossed. A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again. <br /> But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. '''At the heart of the attack on January 6 is a willingness to embrace dangerous conspiracies that attack the very core premise of our nation. That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president.''' <br /> If we do not condemn the conspiracies and the lies, if we do not hold those responsible to account, we will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. America will never be the same. * '''Today, as we meet here, there are Republican candidates for governor who deny the outcome of the 2020 election, and who may refuse to certify future elections if they oppose the results.''' We have candidates for secretary of state who may refuse to report the actual results of the popular vote in future elections. And we have candidates for Congress, including here in Wyoming, who refuse to acknowledge that [[Joe Biden]] won the 2020 election and suggest that states decertify their results. <br /> '''Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness and violence. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility, where their refusal to follow the rule of law will [[corrupt]] our [[future]].''' * '''Our nation is young in the history of [[mankind]] and yet we're the oldest [[democracy]] in the world. Our [[survival]] is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed free nations.''' Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of Republicans, including the most senior officials working for President Trump in the White House, the Justice Department and on his campaign — people who served President Trump loyally — testify that they all told him the election was not stolen or rigged and there was no massive fraud. That's why President Trump and others invent excuses, pretexts for people not to watch the hearings at all. But no citizen of this republic is a bystander. '''All of us have an obligation to [[understand]] what actually happened. We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.''' * To believe Donald Trump's election lies, you must believe that dozens of federal and state courts who ruled against him, including many judges he appointed, were all corrupted and biased, that all manner of crazy conspiracy theories stole our election from us and that Donald Trump actually remains president today. As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents, who have spent their lives working to serve our country, abandoned their honor and their oath and went to Mar-a-Lago, not to perform a lawful search or address a national security threat, but instead with a secret plan to plant fake incriminating documents in the boxes they seized. This is yet another insidious lie. <br /> Donald Trump knows that voicing these conspiracies will provoke violence and threats of violence. This happened on January 6, and it's now happening again. It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further, yet he and others continue purposely to feed the danger. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened. Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere. And despite knowing all of this, Donald Trump recently released the names of the FBI agents involved in the search. That was purposeful and malicious. No patriotic American should use these threats or be intimidated by them. Our great nation must not be ruled by a mob provoked over social media. * '''Our duty as citizens of this republic is not only to defend the freedom that's been handed down to us. We also have an obligation to learn from the actions of those who came before, to the stories of grit and perseverance of the brave men and women who built and saved this union. In the lives of these great Americans, we find [[inspiration]] and [[purpose]].''' * In May of 1864, after years of war and a string of reluctant Union generals, [[Ulysses S. Grant]] met [[Robert E. Lee|General Lee]]'s forces at the [[w:Battle of the Wilderness|Battle of the Wilderness]]. In two days of heavy fighting, the Union suffered over 17,000 casualties. At the end of that battle, General Grant faced a [[choice]]. Most assumed he would do what previous Union generals had done and retreat. On the evening of May 7, Grant began to move. As the fires of the battle still smoldered, Grant rode to the head of the column. He rode to the intersection of Brock Road and Orange Plank Road. And there, as the men of his army watched and waited, instead of turning north back towards [[Washington D. C.|Washington]] and safety, Grant turns his horse south toward Richmond and the heart of Lee's army. Refusing to retreat, he pressed on to [[victory]]. Lincoln and Grant and all who fought in [[American Civil War|our nation's tragic Civil War]], including my own great-great-grandfathers, saved our Union. Their [[courage]] saved freedom. And if we listen closely, they are speaking to us down the generations. '''We must not idly squander what so many have fought and died for.''' * '''America has meant so much to so many because we are the best hope of freedom on earth.''' Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. "I'm not an American," he said, "But my [[children]] are. I grew up in [[Brazil]]. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here." A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived [[w:Auschwitz concentration camp|Auschwitz]]. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. <br /> Ladies and gentlemen, '''freedom must not and will not die here.''' * '''We [[must]] be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it.''' I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> '''This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more.''' <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. '''As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we ''will'' [[prevail]].''' ==Quotes about Cheney== * I have not had an opportunity to even see or hear what she had to say because I’ve been kind of focused on what’s going on here. It doesn’t surprise me that she would revert to those same old talking points, because that’s really in large part what got her defeated. … She’s not focusing on Wyoming. She’s not focusing on our issues. She’s still focusing on an obsession about President Trump. And the citizens of Wyoming, the voters of Wyoming sent a very loud message tonight. We have spoken. And that is not what we are interested in in terms of our lone congressional representative. **[[w: Harriet Hageman| Harriet Hageman]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/3605032-hageman-cheney-focused-on-trump-obsession-instead-of-wyoming/ "Hageman: Cheney focused on Trump 'obsession' instead of Wyoming", ''The Hill'' (17 August 2022)] * [[w:United States House of Representatives|Rep.]] Liz Cheney, daughter of [[Dick Cheney|Dick]], is trying to prolong her father's {{w|endless war}} [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|in Afghanistan]]. [...] [[w:Politics of Colorado|Colorado]]'s freshman [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] Rep. [[Jason Crow]] teamed up with [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] Rep. Liz Cheney to advance legislation that would make it more difficult for any [[President of the United States|president]] to [[w:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan|draw down troop deployments]] in [[Afghanistan]]. I live in the same media market as Crow's district. I can tell you that [[w:Jason Crow#Elections|his 2018 campaign]] was focused on [[w:Jason Crow#Gun control|gun control]]. It was not a campaign promising voters that he would go to Washington to make common cause with Liz Cheney, and help her efforts to glorify and fortify her daddy's [[Foreign policy of the United States|policy]] of endless war. But that’s exactly what his bill does. [...] Cheney initiatives that may seem superficially reasonable when calmly uttered by a Cheney usually have an insane ulterior motive. In this case, that truism applies: The Crow-Cheney legislation may sound like it includes reasonable requests, but they are designed to make the Afghanistan deployment permanent. In practice, nobody can predict with 100 percent certainty what will ensue once a nineteen-year {{w|military occupation}} ends. What we can know is that it's a bad idea to continue a [[policy]] that isn't working — and there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t. ** [[David Sirota]], in [https://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/07/afghanistan-war-liz-cheney-jason-crow "Democrats Are Working With Liz Cheney to Prolong Dick Cheney’s Endless War"], ''[[w:Jacobin (magazine)|Jacobin]]'' (3 July 2020) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * {{Official website|http://www.cheneyforwyoming.com}} * [http://bioguide.congress.gov/scripts/biodisplay.pl?index=C001109 Biography] at the ''{{w|Biographical Directory of the United States Congress}}'' * [https://www.votesmart.org/candidate/145932 Profile] at {{w|Vote Smart}} * [https://www.fec.gov/data/candidate/S4WY00089 Financial information (federal office)] at the {{w|Federal Election Commission}} * [https://www.congress.gov/member/liz-cheney/C001109 Legislation sponsored] at the {{w|Library of Congress}} * [http://www.opensecrets.org/races/summary.php?id=WYS2&cycle=2014 2014 Campaign contributions] at {{w|OpenSecrets.org}} * [https://www.c-span.org/person/?lizperry Appearances] on {{w|C-SPAN}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cheney, Liz}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Cheney family|Liz]] [[Category:People from Wisconsin]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:People from Wyoming]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Women in law]] bxy5pswopjgl0vzjkhu2itfjyih44r8 0 234846 3155830 3119927 2022-08-18T11:31:24Z Relinus 3124592 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Rhonda Byrne|Rhonda Byrne]]''' (née '''Izon'''; born 1951, [[w:Melbourne|Melbourne]], Australia) is an Australian television writer and producer. Her [[w:New Thought|New Thought]] book ''[[w:The Secret (Byrne book)|The Secret]]'' (based on [[w:The Secret (2006 film)|a film she produced of the same name]]) is based on the [[w:Law of attraction (New Thought)|law of attraction]]. She wrote several sequels to the book, including ''[[w:The Power (self-help book)|The Power]]'', ''[[w:The Magic (book)|The Magic]]'' and ''Hero'', as well as other books that relate to ''The Secret''. == Quotes == === ''[[w:The Secret (Byrne book)|The Secret]]'' (2006) === * Remember that your thoughts are the primary cause of everything. ** P. 30 * If you are feeling good , it is because you are thinking good thoughts. ** P. 32 * There is a truth deep down inside of you that has been waiting for you to discover it, and that truth is this: you deserve all good things life has to offer **P. 41 *Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good. **P. 53 *Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them. ** P. 78 *Instead of focusing on the world's problems, give your attention and energy to trust, love, abundance, education and peace. ** P. 153 *The truth is that the universe has been answering you all of your life, but you cannot receive the answers unless you are awake. **P. 172 * Your power is in your thoughts, so stay awake. In other words, remember to remember. ** P. 175 == External links == * [http://www.thesecret.tv/ Official site] {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Byrne, Rhonda}} [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] [[Category:Television producers]] [[Category:1951 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Australian women]] [[Category:People from Melbourne]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] c3t5cjlr7y9kaaercgi9ru3ujhgohz3 0 237996 3155711 2973067 2022-08-18T00:54:31Z Hakim rezayi 3129739 فرشید اسدیان کجابادی wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup|2021-06-18}} '''Farshid Asadian kojabadi''' (Persian:فرشید اسدیان کجابادی) ; born Jan 4th,1994, '''Tabriz''', is an Iranian Wushu (Taolu) athlete. == Quotes == *Iranian Wushu Athlete Farshid Asadian in interview with '''Anatimes Agency''' said: A wushu athlete should have a strong mind and great agility to achieve its goals. Wushu does not require a special degree, but to teach this field, you must take courses related to this field Wushu is one of the sports in which you can succeed in any physical condition, all you have to do is find your individual talent in that sport.<ref>[https://anatimes.com/an-interview-with-iranian-wushu-athlete-farshid-asadian/ Anatimes News-An Interview with Iranian Wushu Athlete Farshid Asadian]</ref><ref>[https://anatimes.com/farshid-asadian-iranian-wushu-masterpiece-in-shanghai/ Asian Tournament News]</ref> *After the positive doping test of “MAGOMED GADZHIEV”, the Russian wushu player, at the World Championships in Toronto, He will be stripped of his gold medal by the National Anti-Doping Agency (NADO) and It is predicted that “Farshid Asadian”, the bronze man of Iran at same time, would be renamed the Golden Man.<ref>[https://anatimes.com/farshid-asadian-is-on-the-cusp-of-gold-medal/ Anatimes Agency News]</ref> *The level of Asian youth competition in Shanghai, China, and especially in the "Tai Chi" form, is very high, and it will definitely be harder for me to win the best medal, but I will try to get the most colorful medal in these competitions. *"Fortunately, the officials of the Wushu Federation, with the support of the youth section, took the team to the Baku International Tournament for the first time, which happened for the first time in the youth section, and we were able to do so in terms of technical level," he said. And technically achieve high growth. *Regarding his knowledge of the competitors in the Shanghai tournament, he said: "Fortunately, I am more than 50% familiar with how to implement the form of my competitors who will be Asian and world champions, and I was able to analyze them well and closely at the Baku tournament." I'm trying to succeed in Shanghai. *Asadian, referring to the regular and continuous camps of the youth team for successful participation in these fights, emphasized: "Fortunately, the officials of the federation, despite the lack of budget that had plagued all federations this year and the Wushu Federation was no exception, were able to do everything." Provide the necessary for the youth team, and with these conditions, we must reward their efforts by earning the best medal.<ref>[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/893291/%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%AF%D9%87%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84-%D9%88%D9%88%D8%B4%D9%88-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AE%D8%AA-%D9%86%D8%A7%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%B3%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%88%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B1 Mehr News]</ref><ref>[https://www.irna.ir/news/9885578/%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A8-%D9%85%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%88%D9%88%D8%B4%D9%88-%D9%82%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%88%D8%AC%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D8%AF Irna News Agency]</ref><ref>[http://www.olympic.ir/fa/news/268/%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%AA-%D8%B4%D8%B1%DA%A9%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A2%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%88%D9%88%D8%B4%D9%88-%D9%85%D8%A7%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%88-19-%D9%88%D9%88%D8%B4%D9%88%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%88%D8%AC%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Olympic News]</ref><ref>[https://iranwushufed.ir/medalists/37/%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B4%D9%8A%D8%AF%20%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AF%D9%8A%D8%A7%D9%86 Iran Wushu Federation Website]</ref><ref>[https://www.sport.gov.mo/zh/news/id/1274 News And Multimedia Center]</ref><ref>[http://www.iwuf.org/upload/2015/0202/2nd%20World%20Junior%20Wushu%20Championships%20(2008)%20-%20Bali,%20Indonesia%20-%20Results.pdf IWUF.Org]</ref> == References == {{Reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Asadian, Farshid}} [[Category:1994 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Tehran]] s6r0vbzunm9w8nsyb54f0pinyxg3w56 0 240656 3155795 3153918 2022-08-18T08:28:56Z 122.61.148.251 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title|bottom|2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film adaption of the television series directed by Cal Brunker}} '''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]] ---------------- '''''{{w|PAW Patrol: The Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American-Canadian computer-animated film based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] produced by {{w|Nickelodeon Movies}} and distributed by {{w|Paramount Pictures}}. The film stars the voices of {{w|Iain Armitage}}, {{w|Marsai Martin}}, {{w|Ron Pardo}}, {{w|Yara Shahidi}}, {{w|Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian}}, [[Randall Park]], {{w|Dax Shepard}}, with [[Tyler Perry]], and [[Jimmy Kimmel]], introducing {{w|Will Brisbin}}. In the film, Ryder and the pups are called to Adventure City to stop the corrupt rival Mayor Humdinger from turning the bustling metropolis into a state of chaos to face the challenge in order to save the citizens of Adventure City. :''Directed by [[w:Cal Brunker|Cal Brunker]] and written by [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]] and [[w:Bob Barlen|Bob Barlen]]. Based on the [[PAW Patrol|television series]] by {{w|Keith Chapman}}.'' {{center|'''Our fate is in their paws.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Chase == * ''[when facing his fear to his situation]'' I can do this... * ''[to Gus]'' You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. * ''[to Ryder that he and his friends are going to Adventure City]'' I'm afraid if I go back there, everyone will see I'm still that scared little puppy, and not the hero they think I am. * ''[when his friends are amazed and he gets terrified as they arrived Adventure City]'' It's a lot... ''bigger'' than I remember. * ''[first ride with his new rocket-powered police cruiser]'' Oh, I could get used to this! * ''[sees the citizens trapped in the City Hall balcony on fire]'' Ryder, we've got people trapped on the balcony! I'm going in! * ''[after Ryder checks him and tells him that he fails his first mission]'' I can't believe I forgot to disconnect my parachute. It's Air Rescue 101. * ''[backs away from Ryder]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything will be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! * ''[after Ryder tells him about his backstory, then he asks him to go to work and he agrees]'' Ready for action, Ryder, sir. * ''[Ryder gives him a nice catch by a flying car]'' You can count on me, Ryder. * ''[driving to save Ryder with his motorcycle]'' I'm coming, Ryder! * ''[when Mayor Humdinger tries to escape with his kittens, and he catches him]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping. * ''[when Ryder receives a call from Harris, he is with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! == Liberty == * ''[first call when she is a big fan of the PAW Patrol]'' What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''! * ''[running and escapes with the unstable fireworks]'' '''''THIS IS WHY DOGS HATE FIREWORKS!!!''''' * ''[the PAW Patrol reached and arrived at the City Hall]'' You have reached your destination. * ''[the photographers are taking pictures to Chase's friends, then she enters and talks to them]'' Hey, hey! Anyone want a picture with me? I'm kind of like an honorary member of the PAW Patrol. You should have seen me out there. I was like, "Turn left, turn right, turn left, turn right!" It was amazing! * ''[Butch and Ruben caught and thrown her in the van, then she pretends to be captured]'' '''''OH, NO! PLEASE! LET ME GO!!!''''' Don't take me to exactly the same place you took the other dogs, in this white van! License plate number YVP 8624! * ''[to Delores for embarrassment]'' You talk a lot of trash for a dog that looks like a toilet brush. * ''[encouraging Chase]'' So? Who cares if you're scared? Heroes get scared all the time. ''['''Chase''': They do?]'' Of course they do. But even through they're scared, they push through and keep going. That's what make them heroes. * ''[surprising Chase that the wall is wrecked and revealed to be Rubble]'' I brought ''backup''! * ''[Ryder surprising her to a rocket-powered scooter; calmly]'' Okay, Liberty. Play it cool, play it cool. ''[then she gets excitedly]'' '''''AAH!!! THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!''''' I've never been so happy! It's like my whole life has been building towards this moment! All of my dreams have come true! ''[faints]'' It's so amazing! * ''[Ryder gives her own pup-tag after they saved Adventure City and she becomes official member of the PAW Patrol]'' I'm official! Hey! Check me out! I'm officially official! Official member of the PAW Patrol, right here! == Mayor Humdinger == * ''[when his top hat is flew away or it gets destroyed]'' My top hat! * You know, they call this place Adventure City, but what’s so adventure-y about it? The truth is, it’s ''boring''. Libraries? ''[drops the library]'' Boring! Museums? ''[drops the museum]'' Boring! Cute little dog parks? ''[the citizens in awe; sarcastically]'' Ugh, definitely boring! ''[taunting Liberty]'' But don’t worry, I’m gonna put the adventure back in Adventure City! When I’m done with this place, you won’t even recognize it. * ''[to Butch and Ruben to get rid of the PAW Patrol for necessary]'' I want the PAW Patrol off the streets now! Find them, catch them, and lock them away. * ''[after Chase puts him under arrest]'' You can't arrest me! I'm the mayor! == Delores == * ''[when Liberty founds Chase and needs him to get out of the obedience school; sarcastically]'' Puh-lease! This scrawny, little purse pup is gonna pull a jailbreak? == Butch == * ''[gives Mayor Humdinger his hat to his defeat]'' Here you go, boss. == Others == *'''Kendra Wilson''': ''[gives a speech about the PAW Patrol saved Adventure City]'' Adventure City is our home. It's up to all of us to take care of it. But once in a while, a group of heroes go above and beyond the call of duty. They look out for their neighbors before they look out for themselves. And they're so darn cute, I just want to ''squeeze'' 'em! *'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[gives a news report about the PAW Patrol's arrival in Adventure City]'' Guardians. Heroes. Cute little dogs and adorable outfits. Whatever you call them, the PAW Patrol were here to save the city from Mayor Humdinger's disastrous fireworks debacle. As a professional journalist, it's important that I remain unbiased. That being said; ''Ooh, yikes!'' An embarrassing start for Mayor Humdinger, but an incredible debut for the PAW Patrol in Adventure City. *'''Rubble''': ''[Ryder shows the pups a self serving pup-treat dispenser, he sings angelic and make the other pups laugh]'' What? It's a beautiful thing. *'''Skye''': ''[when Ryder tells her to be careful while she goes to stop the Cloud Catcher with her helicopter]'' Don't worry about me. I can handle a little ''turbulence''. *'''Marshall''': ''[jumps off the holograms of the city, he throws himself on Rocky and Rubble]'' Next time, ''warn me'' before you stick a building up my nose. *'''Rocky''': ''[when the others got stuck in traffic, he shouts to the traffic light]'' Green means go! ''Green means go!'' ''[to Marshall]'' Green does still mean go, right? *'''Zuma''': ''[the pups, Liberty and Ryder gets shocked and sees Mayor Humdinger's tallest skyscraper and the big storm in the sky]'' Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''. *'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[at the ceremony for the PAW Patrol, he talks to the Tough Guy]'' Me and the PAW Patrol? We go ''way'' back! == Dialogue == :''[First lines, in the Spin Master Entertainment logo, Marshall the firefighting pup enters onscreen, but he tumbles into the Spin Master logo and the logo spins]'' :'''Marshall''': Whoa! I'm okay. :''[Chase the police pup appears and uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to stop the logo from spinning, then he words "entertainment" appears, as Marshall and Chase look at the audience]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cap'n Turbot''': ''[sees Gus the truck driver is stuck on the bridge]'' Oh, my. That's not good. That's not good at all. ''[to Gus]'' Good morning there, friend! Looks like you're in a particularly precarious predicament. :'''Gus''': Call the police! Call the fire department! ''[the truck door fall it open]'' Call everybody! :'''Cap'n Turbot''': You're in Adventure Bay. ''[shows his phone to Gus]'' Here, we call the PAW Patrol! :'''Gus''': You're gonna call the who? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryder''': Chase, it's all up to you. Use the winch in your pup-pack to get the driver and bring him to safety. :'''Chase''': Chase is on the case! ''[rushes on the bridge to free Gus]'' Arf! Grappling hook! :''[Chase uses his pup-pack's grappling hook to secures on top on the bridge, he jumps off the bridge, howling and his hook was hanging on top, then he comes down]'' :'''Chase''': Sir, don't be alarmed. I'm coming down! :'''Gus''': Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! The rescue team is here! ''[sees Chase]'' A ''dog!?'' :'''Chase''': Actually, sir, I'm a puppy. :'''Gus''': A ''baby dog!?'' That's even worse! :'''Chase''': You're in shock, so I'm not gonna take that personally. Now, let's get you outta here. :'''Gus''': No way! I'm waiting right here for a ''real'' rescue. ''[the truck lows even more]'' '''''AAH!!!''''' I changed my mind! ''[grabs Chase]'' I'll go with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Adventure City, a Tough Guy eating a donut and throw his trash on a leg of a dachshund named Liberty]'' :'''Liberty''': Huh? Oh, um. ''[to a Tough Guy]'' Hey, excuse me? You dropped something. :'''Tough Guy''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm done with it! Buzz off, ''wiener dog.'' :'''Liberty''': ''[angered]'' ''Wiener dog''?! Maybe you should just pick that up and put it in the trash! :'''Tough Guy''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, or what? :'''Liberty''': Or I'm going to pick you up and put ''you in the trash!'' ''[the passengers gasp that was said to her]'' Hmph! :'''Tough Guy''': Hey, I don't want no trouble! ''[picks up the trash]'' I'm picking up the trash. I'm picking up the trash! :'''Liberty''': ''[praises]'' Thank you. We've all got to take pride in our city. Don't ever forget that. ''[hears the subway speaker]'' This is my stop, it's been a slice. ''[leaves the subway train]'' :'''Tough Guy''': ''[to Liberty]'' I'm gonna turn my life around. I really am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in Adventure Bay, an emergency call in the big screen on the Lookout]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Liberty''': What?! You answer your own calls? Oh, my goodness! I didn't think I was gonna... ''[gasps happily]'' Oh, I can't believe I'm looking at the ''PAW Patrol''! I am such a big fan. This is ''OFF THE LEASH''! :'''Ryder''': Is there something we can help you with? :'''Liberty''': ''[agreeing]'' Yes, yes, yes! My name is Liberty, and I'm calling in from Adventure City. Something terrible has happened. Humdinger... was just elected ''mayor''! :'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Rubble and Zuma''': ''[shocked]'' '''''HUMDINGER!?!?''''' :'''Ryder''': He's the worst mayor in the history of mayors! :'''Rubble''': And that's being generous. :'''Liberty''': You're telling me, this guy's a disaster! He's going to destroy the whole city! Please, we need your help. Come quickly. ''[ends her call]'' :'''Ryder''': Adventure City's in trouble. Come on pups, pack your things! No city's too big, no pup's too small! :''[The pups are excited and start howling, but Ryder sees Chase goes into the elevator]'' :'''Ryder''': What's wrong, Chase? :'''Chase''': I'm not going. :'''Ryder''': We have to go. They need us. :'''Chase''': ''[refused]'' I'm ''never'' going back to Adventure City! ''[the elevator brings him down]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[worried]'' Chase... :'''Marshall''': ''[concerned]'' What's got his leash in a knot? :'''Ryder''': ''[hesitates]'' Chase has a... ''history'' with Adventure City. He has a lot of tough memories from that place... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skye''': ''[remarking on the new headquarters]'' How can we afford this place? :'''Ryder''': ''[holding up a PAW Patrol T-shirt featuring Chase, Marshall and Skye in their original [[w:Guru Studio|Guru Studio]] designs]'' Officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise. This stuff sells like hot-cakes. <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Marshall rescue the passengers on the upside-down subway and Skye brings Chase back down to the streets]'' :'''Ryder''': Okay, that's all of them. ''[to the pups]'' Good job, pups. ''[sees Chase]'' Chase. :'''Chase''': I don't know what happened. :'''Ryder''': I'm just glad you're okay. :'''Chase''': ''[sadly]'' I'm sorry. :'''Ryder''': No, it's my fault. I though you'd be okay in Adventure City. But it's still too much for you. :'''Chase''': I'll be fine. I, I just need to... :'''Ryder''': You're not fine. You need to take a break. We'll take care of the reecues for a while. :'''Chase''': What? No, that's not fair. :'''Ryder''': I'm sorry, Chase. I know it's hard, but it's the way it's gotta be. : ''[A heartbroken Chase backs away from Ryder, feeling like he can no longer trust him]'' :'''Chase''': ''[angrily]'' I didn't even want to come to Adventure City! I ''trusted'' you! You said everything would be fine, but it's not! What kind of leader gives up on someone the second things get hard?! : ''[Ryder's feelings get hurt after hearing these words]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[hurt by Chase's words]'' Chase... :''[Feeling that Ryder betrayed his trust, Chase runs away out of heartbreak]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[runs after Chase]'' Chase, wait! <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pups, Liberty, and Ryder saw the storm in the sky on the window as they got shocked]'' :'''Zuma''': Yikes! That's looking ''gnarly''. :''[The lightning scares Rubble, as he screams and hides on Liberty and Skye]'' :'''Skye''': ''[sarcastically]'' Rubble. :'''Rubble''': What? Lightning is frightening. :''[An emergency call in the big screen and its ringing]'' :'''Ryder''': PAW Patrol, what's your emergency? :'''Kendra Wilson''': What's ''the'' emergency?! The mesoscale convective system is causing exponential thermal lift and catastrophic downbursts at over ''190 knots!'' :'''Ryder, Chase, Marshall, Skye, Rocky, Zuma and Liberty''': ''[confused]'' '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Rubble''': ''[to Kendra]'' It's a super, bad storm. ''[to the other pups]'' Come on, guys, keep up. :'''Kendra Wilson''': Finally, ''somebody'' gets me. This is ''not'' a regular storm. It’s being caused by a weather-control device that’s unleashing weeks’ worth of bad weather ''all at once!'' :'''Ryder''': Take cover. We're on our way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[When Marshall and Rocky brings the people to get inside of Humdinger Heights, Rubble is wearing Marty Muckraker's wig]'' :'''Marty Muckraker''': Hey, that's my hair! Where did you find it? :'''Rubble''': The hair ''found'' me. It was my destiny. :'''Marty Muckraker''': ''[yanks his wig from Rubble]'' Well, that's ''my'' signature look! ''[puts his wig on his head]'' Buy your own hair. <hr width="50%"/> <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Cloud Catcher is destroyed and the skies are clear again and sunny, Skye falls from the air with joy, then she uses her jet-pack to fly to safety, as she landed, the pups are impressed]'' :'''Marshall''': Good job, Skye! :'''Zuma''': That was totally awesome! :'''Liberty''': You’re definitely my favorite pup! :'''Skye''': ''[hopefully]'' I hope Ryder got insurance on my copter. :''[Skye saw her helicopter was crashed on the ground behind her, Rocky was next, as he looked on it and making her upset]'' :'''Rocky''': That'll buff right out. ''[Skye looked at him in annoyance for he was joking]'' :''[Chase and Ryder comes out of the building and the pups are happy to see them]'' :'''Rubble''': ''[relieved]'' He's okay! :'''Marshall''': All right! :''[The other pups tackles Ryder and they licking and hugging him]'' :'''Skye''': ''[to the other male pups]'' Okay, okay, give him some air. :'''Liberty''': ''[concerned]'' How do you feel? :'''Ryder''': ''[laughs]'' Covered in drool! :'''Rubble''': ''[joked]'' I can’t help it, I’m a ''bulldog''! My tongue is ''too'' big for my mouth. See? ''[shows them with his tongue and they started to laugh]'' :'''Ryder''': ''[picks up Chase's hat; to the pups]'' You did good, pups. ''[puts on Chase's hat on his head and he patted him]'' :''[The pups started to howl and they laughed, the citizens are cheering for the PAW Patrol and they come out from Humdinger Heights]'' :'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[comes out and trying to escape]'' Time for me to get out of here. :'''Chase''': ''[angered]'' Hey, Mayor Humdinger! ''[the PAW Patrol spots Mayor Humdinger, and they started to staring at him]'' You are ''under arrest'' for gross negligence, public endangerment, and dog-napping. :'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[to Chase]'' You can’t arrest me! I’m the mayor! ''[laughing and escapes, then his kittens drops them and run away]'' :'''Marshall''': ''[alarmed]'' He's getting away! :'''Skye''': Arf! Mini-drone! ''[releases her drone in her jet-pack and flies to catch Mayor Humdinger]'' :''[Mayor Humdinger running to escape, but the drone's hook is holding his pants, as it flies on the center by the PAW Patrol and the citizens]'' :'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[infuriated]'' Put me down! Nobody makes a fool of Mayor Humdinger five times in the same day! :''[The hook was on Mayor Humdinger's pants is ripped off and makes him fall, then he shrieks and cover his underpants]'' :'''Mayor Humdinger''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, this is humiliating. :'''Butch''': ''[puts Mayor Humdinger's hat to him]'' Here you go, boss. :'''Mayor Humdinger''': That's better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing lines, Ryder's phone interrupts his speech and gets a call from Harris and tells him that there is trouble at the waterfront]'' :'''Chase''': ''[to Ryder; along with Liberty and his friends are ready]'' PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! :'''Ryder''': ''[to the citizens]'' Sorry, folks. Duty calls. ==Taglines== * Our fate is in their paws. * A Nose for Adventure (Chase tagline) * New Dog, New Tricks (Liberty tagline) * Can You Dig It? (Rubble tagline) * She's So Fly (Skye tagline) * Coming in Hot (Marshall tagline) * Not Afraid to Get His Paws Dirty (Rocky tagline) * Diving Into Adventure (Zuma tagline) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Iain Armitage|Iain Armitage]] - Chase * Will Brisbin - Ryder * [[w:Marsai Martin|Marsai Martin]] - Liberty * [[w:Ron Pardo|Ron Pardo]] - Mayor Humdinger/Cap'n Turbot * Keegan Hedley - Rubble * [[w:Lilly Bartlam|Lilly Bartlam]] - Skye * Kingsley Marshall - Marshall * Callum Shoniker - Rocky * Shayle Simons - Zuma * [[w:Yara Shahidi|Yara Shahidi]] - Kendra Wilson * [[w:Kim Kardashian|Kim Kardashian]] - Delores * [[Randall Park]] - Butch * [[w:Dax Shepard|Dax Shepard]] - Ruben * [[Tyler Perry]] - Gus * [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Marty Muckraker * [[w:Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts]] - Mayor Goodway * [[w:Paul Braunstein|Paul Braunstein]] - Tough Guy * Monique Alvarez - Carmen * [[w:Jamillah Ross|Jamillah Ross]] - Camerawoman * [[w:Josh Robert Thompson|Josh Robert Thompson]] - Technician * Josh Graham - Computer Voice * [[w:Neil Crone|Neil Crone]] - Tony * [[w:Joe Pingue|Joe Pingue]] - Barney * Charlie Gallant - Harris * Richard Binsley - Rocket * [[w:Raoul Bhaneja |Raoul Bhaneja]] - Man * [[w:Saara Chaudry|Saara Chaudry]] - Girl * Kevin Duhaney - Window Washer * Eva Olivia - Kitten Catastrophe Crew/Chickaletta == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} [[Category:PAW Patrol]] [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:Canadian films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films about children]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] n73yftf6bzlnfzb64tr76ted571wi19 0 241042 3155726 3071497 2022-08-18T01:44:48Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Tadeusz_Mazowiecki_80th_birthday_cropped.jpg|thumb|Tadeusz Mazowiecki in 2007]] '''[[w:Tadeusz Mazowiecki|Tadeusz Mazowiecki]]''' ([[18 April]] [[1927]] – [[28 October]] [[2013]]) was a Polish author, journalist, philanthropist and Christian-democratic politician, formerly one of the leaders of the [[w:Solidarity (Polish trade union)|Solidarity]] movement, and the first [[w:List of Polish Prime Ministers|non-communist Polish prime minister]] since 1946. == Quotes == === Inaugural address of Premier Tadeusz Mazowiecki (12 September 1989) === <small>[https://polishfreedom.pl/en/document/statement-inaugural-address-of-the-prime-minister-tadeusz-mazowiecki-delivered-at-the-seym-session-on-12th-september-1989 "Inaugural address of Premier Tadeusz Mazowiecki"] (12 September 1989)</small> * We all desire to live with dignity in a sovereign, democratic, and law-abiding state, one that everybody - regardless of their worldviews and ideological and political diversity - can consider their own. * We want to live in a country with a sound economy, one where it is profitable to work and to save money, and where meeting our basic material needs entails no anguish or humiliation. We want a Poland that is open to Europe and to the world; a Poland which, with no inferiority complex, contributes to the creation of material and cultural goods; a Poland whose citizens will feel they are welcome guests in the other countries of Europe and the world, and are not deemed troublemaking intruders. * We reject a political philosophy asserting that economic reforms can be launched over and against society, above people's heads - one that pushes democratic change aside. * We, as a people, must surmount the sense of hopelessness and confront the challenge of the moment - namely, the tasks of extricating ourselves from economic disaster and reconstructing our state. === Speech at the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (30 January 1990) === <small>[http://www.assembly.coe.int/nw/xml/Speeches/Speech-XML2HTML-EN.asp?SpeechID=142 Speech at the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe] (30 January 1990)</small> * The Polish people are acutely aware of belonging to Europe and the European heritage. They are as conscious of this as are the other European peoples situated at the cultural crossroads adjacent to the superpowers, experiencing alternating phases of political existence and non-existence and hence feeling the need to strengthen their identity. In all these situations, Europe has always remained a beacon, an object of affection which the Poles felt ready to defend. * If we have managed to survive as an entity, we owe this partly to our deep attachment to certain institutions and certain values regarded as the norm in Europe. We owe it to religion and the Church, our attachment to democracy and pluralism, human rights and civil liberties and to the ideal of solidarity. * Our country is confronted with the enormous task of reconstituting the rights and the institutions that characterise modern democracies and rebuilding a market economy, after an interruption of several decades. Added to this, there is the need to overcome enormous economic problems. We not only have to re-create rights and institutions but, in cases where they were non-existent, we have to start from scratch. Otherwise, our two European worlds will never manage to live in harmony. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazowiecki, Tadeusz}} [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Roman Catholics]] [[Category:Journalists]] [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2013 deaths]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of Poland]] [[Category:Authors from Poland]] nct6f30heidcq9fcqz5xj4jq3dmimw1 0 242661 3155660 3099898 2022-08-17T22:47:46Z 24.198.199.206 /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Ron's Gone Wrong}}''''' is a 2021 3D computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Locksmith Animation and distributed by 20th Century Studios. The film stars the voices of [[Zach Galifianakis]], Jack Dylan Grazer, Ed Helms, Justice Smith, Rob Delaney, Kylie Cantrall, Ricardo Hurtado, and Olivia Colman. :''Directed by [[w:Sarah Smith (producer)|Sarah Smith]] and Jean-Philippe Vine. Written by [[w:Peter Baynham|Peter Baynham]] and Sarah Smith.'' {{film-stub}} == Barney Pudowski == * There's two kinds of people, dad. The ones who have a B*Bot, and the ones who don't. * Where are you going? You are supposed to stay within six feet of me! * Okay, Ron, a bunch of your code is missing. * You're supposed to know everything about me. Hair, brown. Height, 4'11. == Ron == * Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your… * I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box. * Please connect me to the Bubble Network, Insert-Registered-Name. * I am for making friends? * 5'11 would be better. Girls would not laugh at you. * Please slap my hand to show we are bonding. * I have no mega safety controls and stuff. == Savannah Meades == * Your B*Bot is super weird. * ''['''Ron:''' Does Barney need friends?]'' Well, yeah! Or, fun fact. He will not survive middle school! == Dialogue == == Cast == * [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] as Barney Pudowski * [[Zach Galifianakis]] as Ron * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Graham Pudowski * [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] as Donka Pudowski * [[w:Rob Delaney|Rob Delaney]] as Andrew Morris * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] as Marc Weidell * Kylie Cantrall as Savannah Meades * [[w:Ricardo Hurtado|Ricardo Hurtado]] as Rich Belcher * Cullen McCarthy as Noah * Ava Morse as Ava * [[w:Liam Payne|Liam Payne]] as B-Bot == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=7504818|title=Ron's Gone Wrong}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] 8baayjtjl6davhsp3f4ufh8l8n1oxdh 3155663 3155660 2022-08-17T22:49:02Z 24.198.199.206 /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Ron's Gone Wrong}}''''' is a 2021 3D computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Locksmith Animation and distributed by 20th Century Studios. The film stars the voices of [[Zach Galifianakis]], Jack Dylan Grazer, Ed Helms, Justice Smith, Rob Delaney, Kylie Cantrall, Ricardo Hurtado, and Olivia Colman. :''Directed by [[w:Sarah Smith (producer)|Sarah Smith]] and Jean-Philippe Vine. Written by [[w:Peter Baynham|Peter Baynham]] and Sarah Smith.'' {{film-stub}} == Barney Pudowski == * There's two kinds of people, dad. The ones who have a B*Bot, and the ones who don't. * Where are you going? You are supposed to stay within six feet of me! * Okay, Ron, a bunch of your code is missing. * You're supposed to know everything about me. Hair, brown. Height, 4'11. == Ron == * Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your… * I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box. * Please connect me to the Bubble Network, Insert-Registered-Name. * I am for making friends? * 5'11 would be better. Girls would not laugh at you. * Please slap my hand to show we are bonding. * I have no mega safety controls and stuff. == Savannah Meades == * Your B*Bot is super weird. * ''['''Ron:''' Does Barney need friends?]'' Well, yeah! Or, fun fact. He will not survive middle school! == Dialogue == == Cast == * [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] as Barney Pudowski * [[Zach Galifianakis]] as Ron * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Graham Pudowski * [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] as Donka Pudowski * [[w:Rob Delaney|Rob Delaney]] as Andrew Morris * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] as Marc Weidell * Kylie Cantrall as Savannah Meades * [[w:Ricardo Hurtado|Ricardo Hurtado]] as Rich Belcher * Cullen McCarthy as Noah * Ava Morse as Ava * [[w:Liam Payne|Liam Payne]] as B-Bot ==Additional Voices== * [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=7504818|title=Ron's Gone Wrong}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] hag131ih4j1ntll5a7mb08oqe0h8aqj 3155665 3155663 2022-08-17T22:49:37Z 24.198.199.206 /* Additional Voices */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Ron's Gone Wrong}}''''' is a 2021 3D computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Locksmith Animation and distributed by 20th Century Studios. The film stars the voices of [[Zach Galifianakis]], Jack Dylan Grazer, Ed Helms, Justice Smith, Rob Delaney, Kylie Cantrall, Ricardo Hurtado, and Olivia Colman. :''Directed by [[w:Sarah Smith (producer)|Sarah Smith]] and Jean-Philippe Vine. Written by [[w:Peter Baynham|Peter Baynham]] and Sarah Smith.'' {{film-stub}} == Barney Pudowski == * There's two kinds of people, dad. The ones who have a B*Bot, and the ones who don't. * Where are you going? You are supposed to stay within six feet of me! * Okay, Ron, a bunch of your code is missing. * You're supposed to know everything about me. Hair, brown. Height, 4'11. == Ron == * Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your… * I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box. * Please connect me to the Bubble Network, Insert-Registered-Name. * I am for making friends? * 5'11 would be better. Girls would not laugh at you. * Please slap my hand to show we are bonding. * I have no mega safety controls and stuff. == Savannah Meades == * Your B*Bot is super weird. * ''['''Ron:''' Does Barney need friends?]'' Well, yeah! Or, fun fact. He will not survive middle school! == Dialogue == == Cast == * [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] as Barney Pudowski * [[Zach Galifianakis]] as Ron * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Graham Pudowski * [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] as Donka Pudowski * [[w:Rob Delaney|Rob Delaney]] as Andrew Morris * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] as Marc Weidell * Kylie Cantrall as Savannah Meades * [[w:Ricardo Hurtado|Ricardo Hurtado]] as Rich Belcher * Cullen McCarthy as Noah * Ava Morse as Ava * [[w:Liam Payne|Liam Payne]] as B-Bot ==Additional Voices== * [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] * [[w:Wendell Pierce|Wendell Pierce]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=7504818|title=Ron's Gone Wrong}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] 6g1005kkgqynltrw19jjn93lzhvnrm6 3155666 3155665 2022-08-17T22:50:11Z 24.198.199.206 /* Additional Voices */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Ron's Gone Wrong}}''''' is a 2021 3D computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Locksmith Animation and distributed by 20th Century Studios. The film stars the voices of [[Zach Galifianakis]], Jack Dylan Grazer, Ed Helms, Justice Smith, Rob Delaney, Kylie Cantrall, Ricardo Hurtado, and Olivia Colman. :''Directed by [[w:Sarah Smith (producer)|Sarah Smith]] and Jean-Philippe Vine. Written by [[w:Peter Baynham|Peter Baynham]] and Sarah Smith.'' {{film-stub}} == Barney Pudowski == * There's two kinds of people, dad. The ones who have a B*Bot, and the ones who don't. * Where are you going? You are supposed to stay within six feet of me! * Okay, Ron, a bunch of your code is missing. * You're supposed to know everything about me. Hair, brown. Height, 4'11. == Ron == * Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your… * I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box. * Please connect me to the Bubble Network, Insert-Registered-Name. * I am for making friends? * 5'11 would be better. Girls would not laugh at you. * Please slap my hand to show we are bonding. * I have no mega safety controls and stuff. == Savannah Meades == * Your B*Bot is super weird. * ''['''Ron:''' Does Barney need friends?]'' Well, yeah! Or, fun fact. He will not survive middle school! == Dialogue == == Cast == * [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] as Barney Pudowski * [[Zach Galifianakis]] as Ron * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Graham Pudowski * [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] as Donka Pudowski * [[w:Rob Delaney|Rob Delaney]] as Andrew Morris * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] as Marc Weidell * Kylie Cantrall as Savannah Meades * [[w:Ricardo Hurtado|Ricardo Hurtado]] as Rich Belcher * Cullen McCarthy as Noah * Ava Morse as Ava * [[w:Liam Payne|Liam Payne]] as B-Bot ==Additional Voices== * [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] * [[w:Wendell Pierce|Wendell Pierce]] * [[w: Stephanie Beatriz|Stephanie Beatriz]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=7504818|title=Ron's Gone Wrong}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] 4gxwz75jweqm5skdhoko6wh8v519n7g 3155668 3155666 2022-08-17T22:52:50Z 24.198.199.206 /* Additional Voices */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Ron's Gone Wrong}}''''' is a 2021 3D computer-animated science fiction comedy film produced by Locksmith Animation and distributed by 20th Century Studios. The film stars the voices of [[Zach Galifianakis]], Jack Dylan Grazer, Ed Helms, Justice Smith, Rob Delaney, Kylie Cantrall, Ricardo Hurtado, and Olivia Colman. :''Directed by [[w:Sarah Smith (producer)|Sarah Smith]] and Jean-Philippe Vine. Written by [[w:Peter Baynham|Peter Baynham]] and Sarah Smith.'' {{film-stub}} == Barney Pudowski == * There's two kinds of people, dad. The ones who have a B*Bot, and the ones who don't. * Where are you going? You are supposed to stay within six feet of me! * Okay, Ron, a bunch of your code is missing. * You're supposed to know everything about me. Hair, brown. Height, 4'11. == Ron == * Hi, Insert-Registered-Name! I am your… your… your… * I am Insert-Registered-Name's best friend out of my box. * Please connect me to the Bubble Network, Insert-Registered-Name. * I am for making friends? * 5'11 would be better. Girls would not laugh at you. * Please slap my hand to show we are bonding. * I have no mega safety controls and stuff. == Savannah Meades == * Your B*Bot is super weird. * ''['''Ron:''' Does Barney need friends?]'' Well, yeah! Or, fun fact. He will not survive middle school! == Dialogue == == Cast == * [[w:Jack Dylan Grazer|Jack Dylan Grazer]] as Barney Pudowski * [[Zach Galifianakis]] as Ron * [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Graham Pudowski * [[w:Olivia Colman|Olivia Colman]] as Donka Pudowski * [[w:Rob Delaney|Rob Delaney]] as Andrew Morris * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] as Marc Weidell * Kylie Cantrall as Savannah Meades * [[w:Ricardo Hurtado|Ricardo Hurtado]] as Rich Belcher * Cullen McCarthy as Noah * Ava Morse as Ava * [[w:Liam Payne|Liam Payne]] as B-Bot ==Additional Voices== * [[w:Kate Micucci|Kate Micucci]] * [[w:Wendell Pierce|Wendell Pierce]] * [[w: Stephanie Beatriz|Stephanie Beatriz]] * [[w: Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]] * [[w: Grey Griffin|Grey Griffin]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=7504818|title=Ron's Gone Wrong}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] app54q2xxrnpjx4zejcv79yf4tk7v3c 0 245885 3155659 3154057 2022-08-17T22:47:40Z 2601:601:8400:EB70:0:0:0:406F /* Live-action television */ wikitext text/x-wiki ==Live-action television== *All right, "On this historic occasion..." **Who: David Palmer **Source: ''[[24 (TV series)|24]]'' (2001-2010) *This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language. **Who: Willie **Source: ''[[ALF (TV series)|ALF]]'' (1986-1990) *So once you open your world atlas application, you'll find that doing research on your favorite continent can be both fun and easy. **Who: Teacher **Source: ''Even Stevens'' (2000-2003) *Whoa! **Who: Cyrus Goodman **Source: ''[[Andi Mack]]'' (2017-2019) *Oh, my gosh, Dad! Look at this place! Lockers instead of cubbies, drivers ed instead of kiddy bikes, him instead of... what was I talking about? **Who: Chyna Parks **Source: ''[[A.N.T. Farm]]'' (2011-2014) *Hey Ally! Guess who got a job at Cupcake City?! **Who: Trish De la Rosa **Source: ''[[Austin & Ally]]'' (2011-2016) *Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, and when they do you gotta grab it and turn that thing big time! **Who: Kendall Knight **Source: ''[[Big Time Rush]]'' (2009-2013) *All right, we're recording. **Who: Frankie Wong **Source: ''Bizaardvark'' (2016-2019) *Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room? **Who: Emma Ross **Source: ''[[Bunk'd]]'' (2015-present) *Yes, I'll take a message. **Who: Diane Chambers **Source: ''[[Cheers]]'' (1982-1993) *What's up, guys? I am Cooper Wrather. **Who: Coop Wrather **Source: ''Coop and Cami Ask the World'' (2018-2020) *My name is Drake Parker. **Who: Drake Parker **Source: ''[[Drake & Josh]]'' (2004-2007) *Hey. Nice toolbox. **Who: Emma Alonzo **Source: ''[[Every Witch Way]]'' (2014-2015) *Good morning, Layne. It's 5:00 AM. **Who: Alonzo **Source: ''Fast Layne'' (2019) *Six months ago, I was living in Boston. **Who: [[w:Frasier Crane|Dr. Frasier Crane]] **Source: ''[[Frasier]]'' (1993-2004) *Sweetie, would you say grace, please? **Who: Vivian **Source: ''[[The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air]]'' (1990-1996) *Morning, sunshine! Up and at 'em! **Who: Dina Duran **Source: ''Gabby Duran & the Unsittables'' (2019-2021) *Hi Charlie! There you are, nine months old and look how cute you are! **Who: Teddy Duncan **Source: ''[[Good Luck Charlie]]'' (2010-2014) *Fourteen-year-old sensation Hannah Montana continues her smash tour with another sold-out show tomorrow tonight in Los Angeles. **Who: Announcer **Source: ''[[Hannah Montana]]'' (2006-2011) *Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. **Who: [[w:Mohinder Suresh|Mohinder]] **Source: ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]'' (2006-2010) *Cut! Cut, cut. Excuse me, why are you chomping on a carrot while we're trying to perform here? **Who: Kacie Simon **Source: ''[[How to Rock]]'' (2012) *She is right outside. Carly, get in here right now! **Who: Ms. Francine Briggs **Source: ''[[iCarly]]'' (2007-2012) *So then my dad, who's in the Marine Corps, practically blew his flat top when I told him I was moving to New York. **Who: Jessie Prescott **Source: ''[[Jessie (2011 TV series)|Jessie]]'' (2011-2015) *K.C., we're at an expensive, French restaurant. What are you doing on your phone? **Who: Kira Cooper **Source: ''[[K.C. Undercover]]'' (2015-2018) *No, Dad, no. Okay. It needs to go up. More. More. Up more. Down a tiny bit. Perfect. Twin sister officially welcomed. Bam! What?! **Who: Maddie Rooney **Source: ''[[Liv and Maddie]]'' (2013-2017) *In a middle school full of bullies, insane teachers, and gross school lunches, Ned Bigby - that's me - and my two best friends try to do the impossible. Create a guide to help you survive school. **Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Ned is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. *It's the first day of school, and it can be totally frightening. But the key to surviving it is whether you're ready... or not. **Who: Ned Bigby **Source: ''[[Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide]]'' (2004-2007) *Good morning! **Who: Rocky Blue **Source: ''[[Shake It Up (American TV series)|Shake It Up]]'' (2010-2013) *Well, finally, I've arrived. I'm taking my rightful place in the world of ''Harry Potter''. And you're coming with me. **Who: Dame Helen Mirren **Source: ''Harry Potter and the Hogwarts Tournament of Houses'' (2021) *'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[crashes through wall]'' **Who: Eric Andre **Source: ''The Eric Andre Show'' (2012-present) *Watch, I bet the door is gonna creak real loudly! **Who: Tamera Campbell **Source: ''[[Sister, Sister]]'' (1994-1999) *Hello. Hi, my name is Leslie Knope and I work for the Parks and Recreation department. Can I ask you a few questions? **Who: Leslie Knope **Source: ''Parks and Recreation'' (2009-2015) *Huh. What's this? **Who: Alfred Enoch **Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022) * Let's go everybody, we're running late! Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich, carrot, carrot, carrot, apple, apple, dollar. Great ones improvised. **Who: Floyd Henderson **Source: ''[[Smart Guy]]'' (1997-1999) *Big day, Mom! **Who: Harley Diaz **Source: ''[[Stuck in the Middle]]'' (2016-2018) *Yes, first! I finally beat you to the bathroom. This must burn, Nia, this must burn bad. **Who: Booker Baxter-Carter **Source: ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (2017-present) *Mom, why can't you drive us to the playground? **Who: Cody Martin **Source: ''[[The Suite Life of Zack & Cody]]'' (2005-2008) *I'm Marion Moseby, your cruise ship manager, welcome aboard. **Who: Marion Moseby **Source: ''[[The Suite Life on Deck]]'' (2008-2011) *This is it, Olive, seventh grade. The big time. Time to make our mark, blaze a trail, and... That's all I got. Are you even listening? **Who: Sydney Reynolds **Source: ''[[Sydney to the Max]]'' (2019-2021) *I get so nervous getting up in front of people. Good thing I've got a friend to support me through this. **Who: Sadie Alexander **Source: ''[[That Girl Lay Lay]]'' (2021-present) *I hope you're all hungry! **Who: Phoebe Thunderman **Source: ''[[The Thundermans]]'' (2013-2018) *Let's see, the bread mold. **Who: Tori Vega **Source: ''[[Victorious]]'' (2010-2013) *I'm afraid this comic book isn't good enough condition for us to buy it from you. There's a small corner crease, a slight discoloration along the spine, and... there's a huge hole in it. Sorry. **Who: Milo **Source: ''[[Warped!]]'' (2022-present) *Edgebonoutoosis! **Who: Justin Russo **Source: ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' (2007-2012) ===''Batman''=== *You think Gotham City is a peaceful city? Ho ho ho, put your gum under your seats, hold your breath, and get ready to cheer Batman and hiss his diabolical enemies. Hissable enemy number one is now about to strike. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' (1966-1968) *Hey! **Who: Conventioneer **Source: ''[[Gotham (TV series)|Gotham]]'' (2014-2019) ===''The Big Bang Theory''=== *You know the thing about stairs? **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 1) *That was the best first date I've ever had, Penny. **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 2) *I can't believe it's been the whole summer. It's kind of like when TV shows go on a summer hiatus. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 3) *"I went to the store and went to work" send. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 4) *It's not what it looks like. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 5) *So, Howard's gone to space? **Who: Stuart (Season 6) *THIS ISN'T A GOOD TIME, SHELDON!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 7) *Hi, my name is Sheldon Cooper. So, you're probably wondering what happened for the past month and a half. I don't know what really happened. Hey, don't leave! I can tell you... oh, come on! **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 8) *This is it. It's almost time for our wedding. **Who: Penny Hofstadter (Season 9) *Hey Amy. How is your Nobel Prize thing going? **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 10) *You and Amy are engaged?! **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 11) *Good morning, husband. **Who: Amy Cooper (Season 12) ===''Friends''=== *No, no, it's not a date. **Who: Monica Gellar (Season 1A) *Marcel, no bad monkey! I know it's been hard adjusting to apartment life, but we have neighbors to consider now. **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 1B) *What do you mean Julie is your new girlfriend? **Who: Rachel Green (Season 2A) *He kissed me. **Who: Rachel Green (Season 2B) *Why did I get stuck with Janice?! **Who: Chandler Bing (Season 3A) *Hey Rachel, I think I found you a new job! **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 3B) *Then what happened to my father?! You owe me some answers... Mom! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 4A) *Hey, just taking some stuff to my new apartment. **Who: Joey Tribiani (Season 4B) *Yes. **Who: Emily (Season 5A) *CHANDLER!!! I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY SISTER!!! OPEN UP!!! I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY SISTER!!! **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 5B) *Did anyone know this was going to happen?! **Who: Monica Gellar (Season 6A) *Good Morning, new roomie. **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 6B) *Hey, hey, you're all here. Show me your hand, Monica. **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 7A) *Hey Rachel, guess what I found at the door. **Who: Chandler Bing (Season 7B) *What baby? **Who: Monica Bing (Season 8A) *So, Rachel's baby is a girl, huh?! **Who: Monica Bing (Season 8B) *Rachel, I... Hey Ross, you're here! **Who: Joey Tribiani (Season 9A) *Hey Mike! How are you doing on this fine day?! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 9B) *I'm so happy you and Mike are back together again, Pheobe. **Who: Monica Bing (Season 10A) *I can't believe we're actually getting a baby, Chandler! We're gonna be parents! **Who: Monica Bing (Season 10B part 1) *Hey, what's going on here?! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 10B part 2) ===''Henry Danger''=== *25 years ago, a scientist named Carl Manchester took his kid to work, because it was Take Your Kid To Work Day. **Who: TV Narrator **Source: ''[[Henry Danger]]'' (2014-2020) *Okay, time to practice your lying! **Who: Schwoz Schwartz **Source: ''[[Danger Force]]'' (2020) ===''Star Trek''=== *Check the circuit. **Who: Mr. Spock **Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series]]'' (1966-1969) *Captain's log, Stardate 41153.7. Our destination is Planet Deneb IV, beyond which lies the great unexplored mass of the galaxy. My orders are to examine Farpoint, a starbase built there by the inhabitants of that world. Meanwhile I'm becoming better acquainted with my new command – this Galaxy-class USS Enterprise. I'm still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity. As for my crew, we are short in several key positions, most notably a first officer, but I'm informed that a highly experienced man, one Commander William Riker, will be waiting to join the ship at our Deneb IV destination. **Who: Jean-Luc Picard **Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Next Generation]]'' (1987-1994) *Resistance is futile. You will disarm your weapons and escort us to Sector 001. If you attempt to intervene, we will destroy you. **Who: Locutus of Borg **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' (1993-1999) *Damage report! **Who: Chakotay **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Voyager]]'' (1995-2001) *Where no man has gone before. **Who: Jonathan Archer **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Enterprise]]'' (2001-2005) *They are coming. Atom by atom, they will coil around us and take all that we are. There is one way to confront this threat. By reuniting the twenty-four warring houses of our own empire. We have forgotten the Unforgettable, the last to unify our tribes: Kahless. Together, under one creed, remain Klingon! That is why we light our beacon this day. To assemble our people. To lock arms against those whose fatal greeting is… we come in peace. **Who: T'Kuvma **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Discovery]]'' (2017-present) *See... and raise. **Who: Jean-Luc Picard **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Picard]]'' (2020-present) [[Category:First lines]] 61ehldf9anv95e9rs1yh6pa6f780cth 3155662 3155659 2022-08-17T22:48:39Z 2601:601:8400:EB70:0:0:0:406F /* Live-action television */ wikitext text/x-wiki ==Live-action television== *All right, "On this historic occasion..." **Who: David Palmer **Source: ''[[24 (TV series)|24]]'' (2001-2010) *This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language. **Who: Willie **Source: ''[[ALF (TV series)|ALF]]'' (1986-1990) *So once you open your world atlas application, you'll find that doing research on your favorite continent can be both fun and easy. **Who: Teacher **Source: ''Even Stevens'' (2000-2003) *Whoa! **Who: Cyrus Goodman **Source: ''[[Andi Mack]]'' (2017-2019) *Oh, my gosh, Dad! Look at this place! Lockers instead of cubbies, drivers ed instead of kiddy bikes, him instead of... what was I talking about? **Who: Chyna Parks **Source: ''[[A.N.T. Farm]]'' (2011-2014) *Hey Ally! Guess who got a job at Cupcake City?! **Who: Trish De la Rosa **Source: ''[[Austin & Ally]]'' (2011-2016) *Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, and when they do you gotta grab it and turn that thing big time! **Who: Kendall Knight **Source: ''[[Big Time Rush]]'' (2009-2013) *All right, we're recording. **Who: Frankie Wong **Source: ''Bizaardvark'' (2016-2019) *Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room? **Who: Emma Ross **Source: ''[[Bunk'd]]'' (2015-present) *Yes, I'll take a message. **Who: Diane Chambers **Source: ''[[Cheers]]'' (1982-1993) *What's up, guys? I am Cooper Wrather. **Who: Coop Wrather **Source: ''Coop and Cami Ask the World'' (2018-2020) *My name is Drake Parker. **Who: Drake Parker **Source: ''[[Drake & Josh]]'' (2004-2007) *Hey. Nice toolbox. **Who: Emma Alonzo **Source: ''[[Every Witch Way]]'' (2014-2015) *Good morning, Layne. It's 5:00 AM. **Who: Alonzo **Source: ''Fast Layne'' (2019) *Six months ago, I was living in Boston. **Who: [[w:Frasier Crane|Dr. Frasier Crane]] **Source: ''[[Frasier]]'' (1993-2004) *Sweetie, would you say grace, please? **Who: Vivian **Source: ''[[The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air]]'' (1990-1996) *Morning, sunshine! Up and at 'em! **Who: Dina Duran **Source: ''Gabby Duran & the Unsittables'' (2019-2021) *Hi Charlie! There you are, nine months old and look how cute you are! **Who: Teddy Duncan **Source: ''[[Good Luck Charlie]]'' (2010-2014) *Fourteen-year-old sensation Hannah Montana continues her smash tour with another sold-out show tomorrow tonight in Los Angeles. **Who: Announcer **Source: ''[[Hannah Montana]]'' (2006-2011) *Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. **Who: [[w:Mohinder Suresh|Mohinder]] **Source: ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]'' (2006-2010) *Cut! Cut, cut. Excuse me, why are you chomping on a carrot while we're trying to perform here? **Who: Kacie Simon **Source: ''[[How to Rock]]'' (2012) *She is right outside. Carly, get in here right now! **Who: Ms. Francine Briggs **Source: ''[[iCarly]]'' (2007-2012) *So then my dad, who's in the Marine Corps, practically blew his flat top when I told him I was moving to New York. **Who: Jessie Prescott **Source: ''[[Jessie (2011 TV series)|Jessie]]'' (2011-2015) *K.C., we're at an expensive, French restaurant. What are you doing on your phone? **Who: Kira Cooper **Source: ''[[K.C. Undercover]]'' (2015-2018) *No, Dad, no. Okay. It needs to go up. More. More. Up more. Down a tiny bit. Perfect. Twin sister officially welcomed. Bam! What?! **Who: Maddie Rooney **Source: ''[[Liv and Maddie]]'' (2013-2017) *In a middle school full of bullies, insane teachers, and gross school lunches, Ned Bigby - that's me - and my two best friends try to do the impossible. Create a guide to help you survive school. **Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Ned is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. *It's the first day of school, and it can be totally frightening. But the key to surviving it is whether you're ready... or not. **Who: Ned Bigby **Source: ''[[Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide]]'' (2004-2007) *Good morning! **Who: Rocky Blue **Source: ''[[Shake It Up (American TV series)|Shake It Up]]'' (2010-2013) *Well, finally, I've arrived. I'm taking my rightful place in the world of ''Harry Potter''. And you're coming with me. **Who: Dame Helen Mirren **Source: ''Harry Potter and the Hogwarts Tournament of Houses'' (2021) *'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[crashes through wall]'' **Who: Eric Andre **Source: ''The Eric Andre Show'' (2012-present) *Watch, I bet the door is gonna creak real loudly! **Who: Tamera Campbell **Source: ''[[Sister, Sister]]'' (1994-1999) *Hello. Hi, my name is Leslie Knope and I work for the Parks and Recreation department. Can I ask you a few questions? Would you say that you are, "Enjoying yourself and having fun, "having a moderate amount of fun, and somewhat enjoying yourself", or "having no fun and no enjoyment?" I'm gonna put a lot of fun. **Who: Leslie Knope **Source: ''Parks and Recreation'' (2009-2015) *Huh. What's this? **Who: Alfred Enoch **Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022) * Let's go everybody, we're running late! Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich, carrot, carrot, carrot, apple, apple, dollar. Great ones improvised. **Who: Floyd Henderson **Source: ''[[Smart Guy]]'' (1997-1999) *Big day, Mom! **Who: Harley Diaz **Source: ''[[Stuck in the Middle]]'' (2016-2018) *Yes, first! I finally beat you to the bathroom. This must burn, Nia, this must burn bad. **Who: Booker Baxter-Carter **Source: ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (2017-present) *Mom, why can't you drive us to the playground? **Who: Cody Martin **Source: ''[[The Suite Life of Zack & Cody]]'' (2005-2008) *I'm Marion Moseby, your cruise ship manager, welcome aboard. **Who: Marion Moseby **Source: ''[[The Suite Life on Deck]]'' (2008-2011) *This is it, Olive, seventh grade. The big time. Time to make our mark, blaze a trail, and... That's all I got. Are you even listening? **Who: Sydney Reynolds **Source: ''[[Sydney to the Max]]'' (2019-2021) *I get so nervous getting up in front of people. Good thing I've got a friend to support me through this. **Who: Sadie Alexander **Source: ''[[That Girl Lay Lay]]'' (2021-present) *I hope you're all hungry! **Who: Phoebe Thunderman **Source: ''[[The Thundermans]]'' (2013-2018) *Let's see, the bread mold. **Who: Tori Vega **Source: ''[[Victorious]]'' (2010-2013) *I'm afraid this comic book isn't good enough condition for us to buy it from you. There's a small corner crease, a slight discoloration along the spine, and... there's a huge hole in it. Sorry. **Who: Milo **Source: ''[[Warped!]]'' (2022-present) *Edgebonoutoosis! **Who: Justin Russo **Source: ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' (2007-2012) ===''Batman''=== *You think Gotham City is a peaceful city? Ho ho ho, put your gum under your seats, hold your breath, and get ready to cheer Batman and hiss his diabolical enemies. Hissable enemy number one is now about to strike. **Who: Narrator **Source: ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' (1966-1968) *Hey! **Who: Conventioneer **Source: ''[[Gotham (TV series)|Gotham]]'' (2014-2019) ===''The Big Bang Theory''=== *You know the thing about stairs? **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 1) *That was the best first date I've ever had, Penny. **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 2) *I can't believe it's been the whole summer. It's kind of like when TV shows go on a summer hiatus. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 3) *"I went to the store and went to work" send. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 4) *It's not what it looks like. **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 5) *So, Howard's gone to space? **Who: Stuart (Season 6) *THIS ISN'T A GOOD TIME, SHELDON!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 7) *Hi, my name is Sheldon Cooper. So, you're probably wondering what happened for the past month and a half. I don't know what really happened. Hey, don't leave! I can tell you... oh, come on! **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 8) *This is it. It's almost time for our wedding. **Who: Penny Hofstadter (Season 9) *Hey Amy. How is your Nobel Prize thing going? **Who: Sheldon Cooper (Season 10) *You and Amy are engaged?! **Who: Leonard Hofstadter (Season 11) *Good morning, husband. **Who: Amy Cooper (Season 12) ===''Friends''=== *No, no, it's not a date. **Who: Monica Gellar (Season 1A) *Marcel, no bad monkey! I know it's been hard adjusting to apartment life, but we have neighbors to consider now. **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 1B) *What do you mean Julie is your new girlfriend? **Who: Rachel Green (Season 2A) *He kissed me. **Who: Rachel Green (Season 2B) *Why did I get stuck with Janice?! **Who: Chandler Bing (Season 3A) *Hey Rachel, I think I found you a new job! **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 3B) *Then what happened to my father?! You owe me some answers... Mom! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 4A) *Hey, just taking some stuff to my new apartment. **Who: Joey Tribiani (Season 4B) *Yes. **Who: Emily (Season 5A) *CHANDLER!!! I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY SISTER!!! OPEN UP!!! I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY SISTER!!! **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 5B) *Did anyone know this was going to happen?! **Who: Monica Gellar (Season 6A) *Good Morning, new roomie. **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 6B) *Hey, hey, you're all here. Show me your hand, Monica. **Who: Ross Gellar (Season 7A) *Hey Rachel, guess what I found at the door. **Who: Chandler Bing (Season 7B) *What baby? **Who: Monica Bing (Season 8A) *So, Rachel's baby is a girl, huh?! **Who: Monica Bing (Season 8B) *Rachel, I... Hey Ross, you're here! **Who: Joey Tribiani (Season 9A) *Hey Mike! How are you doing on this fine day?! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 9B) *I'm so happy you and Mike are back together again, Pheobe. **Who: Monica Bing (Season 10A) *I can't believe we're actually getting a baby, Chandler! We're gonna be parents! **Who: Monica Bing (Season 10B part 1) *Hey, what's going on here?! **Who: Pheobe Buffay (Season 10B part 2) ===''Henry Danger''=== *25 years ago, a scientist named Carl Manchester took his kid to work, because it was Take Your Kid To Work Day. **Who: TV Narrator **Source: ''[[Henry Danger]]'' (2014-2020) *Okay, time to practice your lying! **Who: Schwoz Schwartz **Source: ''[[Danger Force]]'' (2020) ===''Star Trek''=== *Check the circuit. **Who: Mr. Spock **Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series]]'' (1966-1969) *Captain's log, Stardate 41153.7. Our destination is Planet Deneb IV, beyond which lies the great unexplored mass of the galaxy. My orders are to examine Farpoint, a starbase built there by the inhabitants of that world. Meanwhile I'm becoming better acquainted with my new command – this Galaxy-class USS Enterprise. I'm still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity. As for my crew, we are short in several key positions, most notably a first officer, but I'm informed that a highly experienced man, one Commander William Riker, will be waiting to join the ship at our Deneb IV destination. **Who: Jean-Luc Picard **Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Next Generation]]'' (1987-1994) *Resistance is futile. You will disarm your weapons and escort us to Sector 001. If you attempt to intervene, we will destroy you. **Who: Locutus of Borg **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' (1993-1999) *Damage report! **Who: Chakotay **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Voyager]]'' (1995-2001) *Where no man has gone before. **Who: Jonathan Archer **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Enterprise]]'' (2001-2005) *They are coming. Atom by atom, they will coil around us and take all that we are. There is one way to confront this threat. By reuniting the twenty-four warring houses of our own empire. We have forgotten the Unforgettable, the last to unify our tribes: Kahless. Together, under one creed, remain Klingon! That is why we light our beacon this day. To assemble our people. To lock arms against those whose fatal greeting is… we come in peace. **Who: T'Kuvma **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Discovery]]'' (2017-present) *See... and raise. **Who: Jean-Luc Picard **Source: ''[[Star Trek: Picard]]'' (2020-present) [[Category:First lines]] 719717y2mpt4860cacich7es02f65jm 0 246920 3155612 3154912 2022-08-17T17:55:48Z 2600:4041:51:9D00:2870:F06F:964F:DA68 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]''''' is a 2022 American fantasy-action-adventure-comedy film based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega. The movie stars [[w:James Marsden|James Marsden]], [[w:Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]], [[w:Tika Sumpter|Tika Sumpter]], [[w:Natasha Rothwell|Natasha Rothwell]], [[w:Adam Pally|Adam Pally]], [[w:Lee Majdoub|Lee Majdoub]], and [[Jim Carrey]] in the reprising roles from [[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|the first movie]]. The movie also features [[w:Shemar Moore|Shemar Moore]], [[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]], and [[Idris Elba]]. It is distributed by Paramount Pictures. :''Directed by: {{w|Jeff Fowler}}. Produced by {{w|Neal H. Moritz}}, Toby Ascher, Toru Nakahara, and Hitoshi Okuno. Screenplay by [[w:Patrick Casey (writer)|Pat Casey]] & [[w:Josh Miller (filmmaker)|Josh Miller]] and [[w:John Whittington (screenwriter)|John Whittington]].'' {{center|'''Welcome 2 the Next Level''' <small>(tagline)</small>}} == [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] == * ''[from trailer]'' Quick stretch, little snack, and here we go. * Blue Justice. Trademark pending. * Morning, Wade! ''['''Wade''': Morning, Sonic!]'' * Good morning, Green Hills! * Look, I stopped a robbery! I was a hero! ''['''Tom:''' No, you put people in danger and that's not what a hero does!]'' You're supposed to be my friend, stop trying to be my dad... * I just got goosebumps. Wait a second. Did you steal that from Oprah? * ''['''Knuckles''': You're unskilled… untrained… and unworthy!]'' You forgot one: unstoppable! * Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of adventure! * ''[Driving a police car away from Knuckles. To Tails]'' I think we lost him. ''[Knuckles suddenly lands on the car and punches a hole through the roof]'' We've not lost him, we've definitely not lost him! * ''['''Tails:''' I got idea, do you trust me?]'' Of course not! I literally just met you! * ''[to Robotnik]'' Okay, we gotta talk about your new look. It's like Professor X meets the Monopoly Man. Also, what kind of genius shows up to Siberia in a convertible? * ''[Directing a missle back to Robotnik]'' Return to sender! * Face it: you're never gonna get my power. * ''[Snowboarding down a snowy slope, Knuckles catching up to him, doing the same]'' Oh, great. [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|The Winter Soldier]]! * ''[Fighting Knuckles]'' I don't wanna fight you, but you're not giving me much choice! * For a guy named Knuckles, you are ''really'' bad at punching. * Uh, meow? * Water. Why did it have to be water? * '' '''Gotta go fast.''' * Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea. * STOP. SAYING. GROIN. * ''[as Super Sonic]'' It's ''over'', Eggman. == [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Miles "Tails" Prower]] == * ''(from trailer)'' Name's Tails. * Wow, okay, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it okay if I call you Sonic? Everyone calls me "Tails". You're probably wondering why. ''['''Sonic:''' Let me guess... because of the extra tail?]'' That's right! I should have known you'd get that! * That's Knuckles. The last of the Echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald. * Ha ha ha! A butt-copter! * ''[Repeated line]'' Only Sonic the Hedgehog... * Growing up, I didn't have any friends. Everyone in my village thought my two tails were weird. ''['''Sonic:''' Hey, I know that feeling.]'' But then I saw you; the fastest creature in the galaxy. You were weird too, but you were a legend. That made me think, maybe being weird isn't so bad. You inspired me to leave my village, to find you and help you on your mission. * ''[Flying inside Robotnik's giant robot]'' Looks like your fancy robot has a glitch! ''[Makes multiple holographic images of himself to confuse Robotnik]'' Is it me? What about me? I'm over here! Up top! Down below! Behind you! I'm over here! Sorry! Over here! Too slow! Missed me again! == [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]] == * Do I look like I need ''your'' power? * ''[Hanging off the side of a cliff, sees several of Robotnik's drones pointed at him]'' You think these machines are a match for me? I will shatter them like the bones of a fallen-! ''[Looks below and sees that the robots have attached themselves to the cliff for him to walk on]'' Oh, they are stairs. * I understand ''nothing'' of what you just said. * Sonic the Hedgehog… you're no match for me. * I am an echidna warrior. * You're unskilled, untrained, and unworthy! * You're no match for me. I've been training for this my entire life! * '''Dis''... is how I roll. * ''[As Robotnik betrays him]'' That wasn't the deal! * But I trusted you! You were my friend! * ''[After Sonic hits him with a sandball]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow! ''[Gets hit with another sandball]'' * ''[To the Wachowskis, after Sonic has been transformed into "Super Sonic" by the Chaos Emeralds]'' Wait! You cannot touch him! The hedgehog holds the power of the Emerald. Sorry, he's no longer the Sonic you once knew. ''[Sonic uses his power...to summon a chili dog for him to eat. He then makes two more chili dogs, which both land on Knuckles' face]'' Okay, he is ''exactly'' the Sonic you once knew. == [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]] == * Doctor's log. It is day 243 in this... Portabello purgatory... My only companion is a rock I named "Stone". The question is... for whom am I narrating this? It seems I have become a feature player in the theater of the absurd. Marooned in deep space by that wretched blue rodent. But it is all good thanks to a breathable atmosphere and my supreme intellect, sharpened against the only competitor savvy enough to br-r-r-r-ring it. * Since I've been gone, I've discovered the source of ultimate power! * Where are my manners? Sonic, meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ever. * ''[referring to finding the source of ultimate power]'' ''['''Stone:''' That sounds big.]'' It's been on my vision board for years. * Papa's got a brand new 'stache! * Someone call an Uber? It's cold in here. Let's turn up the heat. * ''[In the Emerald temple's maze, he and Knuckles run from a giant spiked metal ball rolling at them, a la Indiana Jones]'' I don't wanna die like this; it's derivative! * ''[After dodging more booby traps in the Emerald temple's maze]'' I've solved it: there's a booby trap every seven seco-- ''[Just as he says seconds, a giant axe swings down right in front of Robotnik, just brushing against his mustache, and then imbeds itself into the wall]'' That was a little early. ''[Briefly looks down, then exhales with relief]'' So glad it didn't cut off my...mustache. * ''[doing commentary on Sonic and Knuckles' fight]'' The echidna's taking no prisoners today! Sonic has heart, but will he lose the "quill" to live? * Hedgehog, it's time to say goodbye to humanity. * Welcome to the new norm! * [[w:Walk (Pantera song)|World domination playlist.]] * ''[Sonic redirects a missile back to Robotnik's robot, hitting it in its knee. The impact jolts the robot to where Stone is slammed against the wall and knocked out]'' Stone? Oh, great. Next thing you know, there'll be a report about a hostile work environment! * ''['''Super Sonic:''' It's over, Eggman.]'' I like the new look. It works for you. What do you say we just let bygones be bygones? I did some things, you did some things. There are good people on both sides. ''[presses buttons in his glove to control his robot's right arm]'' Surely two intelligent beings... can work these things '''''OUT!!''' [tries to punch Super Sonic, who blocks the fist and disintegrates it, then proceeds to smash through the robot... and tip it over with the toe of his shoe]'' Oh, it's like that? Okay, we're not friends! '''LATER, HATER!''' == Tom Wachowski == * Sonic, I love that you want to help make a difference, but you're being reckless... Pretending to be Batman. * Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you. * ''[after Sonic calls him "Dad"]'' I'll race you to the truck. 1, 2, 3, go! == Agent Stone == * ''[surprised by Robotnik's return to Earth]'' He's back. '''''HE'S BACK!''''' == Dialogue == :'''Dr. Robotnik''': Thank you, Stone! It's time to say goodbye to this... piece of shiitake planet! :''[Robotnik licks Sonic's quill, electrocuting himself again before making a beeline for the Ring portal in slow motion. However, he stops at the sight of a silhouette then gasps as he stops in his tracks falling on his back as we see the creature's hand, encased in a massive white boxing glove-like glove with twin spikes. In a close up of his face, the creature reveals himself to be a red anthropomorphic echidna marching right up to him with his eyes glowing purple. The echidna, Knuckles, walks up to Robotnik before noticing Sonic's quill in his palm.]'' :'''Knuckles''': Where did you get that? :''[Robotnik looks to Sonic's quill in his hand and swiftly lifts it in between their faces]'' :'''Robotnik''': From a little blue menace on a planet called Earth. :''[Knuckles looks at Robotnik sternly]'' :'''Robotnik''': I'd be happy to show you the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hostage''': What the heck are you?! :'''Sonic''': Fear not, citizen. I am the hero you need and the hero you deserve. The blue dawn that banishes the darkest– HOLY CRAP! :''[Sonic spots a pedestrian on the road and proceed to scream with the hostage as he takes the wheel and drives around her. The hostage continues to scream.]'' :'''Sonic''': Don't worry! Nobody's gonna get hurt! :''[The chase continues as the bag of dynamite proceeds to slide right next to Sonic]'' :'''Sonic''': Huh, what are those? :'''Hostage''': Bombs, '''BOMBS! THEY’RE BOMBS!''' Those are bombs! :'''Sonic''': Relax, they're not even lit! so I'll say again, nobody's gonna get– :''[The dynamite sticks turn on as their fuses ignite]'' :'''Sonic''': '''AHH!!''' I was wrong! We're all gonna die! :'''Hostage''': Why aren't you slowing down?! :'''Sonic''': That would require brakes. :''[Sonic presses on the breaks to no avail as they are blocked by an unconscious bank robber, and he takes the bag of dynamite with his foot and picks it up with his hand]'' :'''Sonic''': Ahh! Ohh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! :'''Hostage''': Why don't you just let the police handle this?! :'''Sonic''': Because that's ''not'' what heroes do! :''[Sonic throws all the dynamite sticks out the window. They all fall into a random garbage truck before they explode, scattering its trash everywhere]'' :'''Sonic''': Thank you very much! Please hold your applause! :''[Trash falls on the windshield of the truck. The chase continues. The hostage hears a hissing.]'' :'''Hostage''': Hey, ya hear that? There's one bomb left! :'''Sonic''': Uh-oh. :''[Sonic zooms toward the truck's small cubby and proceeds to look under]'' :'''Hostage''': Did you check under the seat? :'''Sonic''': Of course I checked under the seat! :''[The chase still continues]'' :'''Hostage''': You are terrible at this! :''[Sonic latches onto the wire on the door separating him and the hostage]'' :'''Sonic''': You know what? Your negative attitude is ''not'' helping anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sonic''': No need to thank me, citizens! All in the night's work for… Blue Justice! :'''Hostage''': You're a terrible hero! :''[Sonic laughs as he zips away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sonic''': I can take care of myself. :'''Tom''': Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you. :'''Sonic''': Whoa. Look at you. Look, I just got– I just got goosebumps. Wait a second, did you steal that from Oprah? :'''Tom''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. Came from my dad, in this very boat, in this very lake. He would always try and steer me in the right direction. That's what Maddie and I always try to do with you. So, until your moment arrives, I want you to work on being more responsible. Comprende? :'''Sonic''': Comprende. High-five on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robotnik uses a taser to cut open the knob of the door then opens it]'' :'''Sonic''': ''[shocked]'' Eggman? :''[Robotnik blows out the taser like a candle then faces Sonic]'' :'''Robotnik''': Hello, hedgehog! Did you miss me? :'''Sonic''': I don't know how you got back, but you made a big mistake coming here. :'''Robotnik''': ''Au contraire, mon frere.'' The mistake was thinking that you've won. But that was just a prelude, an ''hors d'oeuvre'', an aperitif, an Amuse-bouche– :'''Sonic''': I get it. :'''Robotnik''': ''[chuckles as he walks forward waving a finger]'' I don't think you do, but you will, and so will that idiot sheriff and his wife. :''[Sonic makes a fist with blue energy building up]'' :'''Robotnik''': [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And your little dog, too!]] :''[Sonic rushes up and time slows as he prepares to punch Robotnik in the face but he backs away to reveal Knuckles leaping right at Sonic. Time goes back to normal as he punches him right through a wall, destroying the TV. Sonic lays on the couch dazed, as he looks through the wall to see Knuckles looking right at him.]'' :'''Knuckles''': Pitiful. ''[walks through the hallways as Sonic gets up]'' :'''Sonic''': Who are you? :'''Robotnik''': ''[sticks his head through the hole]'' Where are my manners? ''[walks through the hallway and stands right behind Knuckles]'' Sonic... meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ''ever''. :'''Sonic''': ''[gets on the floor and gets his bag of Rings as he wears it like a strapped backpack]'' Look, Robotnik, I don't care who you bring to help you. You're never gonna get my power. :'''Knuckles''': Do I look like I need ''your'' power? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tails''': Wow. OK, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it OK if I call you Sonic? ''(My name's Miles Prower.)'' Everyone calls me "Tails". You're probably wondering why. :'''Sonic''': Let me guess, because of the extra tail? :'''Tails''': That's right! I should've known you'd get that! :'''Sonic''': Cool. Also, what is going on?! Robotnik's back, and who is [[Clifford the Big Red Dog (2000 TV series)|Clifford the Big Red Rage Monster]]? :'''Tails''': Oh, that's Knuckles, the last of the echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald. :'''Sonic''': Are you serious, the Master Emerald? That's just a bedtime story! :'''Tails''': Well, he believes it's real, and he must think you're the key to finding it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tails''': Uh, Sonic? Where are we? :'''Wade''': Welcome to the Wade Cave, which is something I hope to someday say to a woman. A woman who's not my mom. :'''Sonic''': Wade, focus. We need to figure out why Knuckles thinks I'm the key to finding the Master Emerald, and why did he mention Longclaw? :'''Tails''': There must be a connection. :'''Sonic''': Wait a minute, there is. ''[gets out the safe worlds map and points to the emerald on it]'' There's an emerald on the map Longclaw gave me. I never knew what it meant before. :''[The map glows as the black outlines turn green and shut the lights off.]'' :'''Tails''': Something's happening. :''[Sonic lets go of the map and the map falls to the floor as green smoke surrounds the map. Then a hologram of Longclaw emerges from the map as she is spreading her wings.]'' :'''Sonic''': Longclaw? :'''Longclaw''': Hello, Sonic. If you're watching this, then something has happened to me and I pray that you've made it to Earth unharmed. This world has been chosen for a very important reason. It's the secret location of the Master Emerald. ''[spreads her wings out, revealing an image of the Master Emerald, a green diamond]'' :'''Sonic''': Woah... :'''Longclaw''': The emerald has the power to turn thoughts into reality. :'''Wade''': Just like the {{w|Stay Puft Marshmallow Man}} from ''[[Ghostbusters]]''. :'''Tails''': Shhh. :'''Longclaw''': In the wrong hands, it can threaten all life in the universe. Protecting the emerald was my sacred duty, and now I must pass that responsibility to you. :'''Sonic''': This is my moment. :'''Longclaw''': Follow the map, find the emerald, and keep it safe. Sonic, you have a heart like no other creature I've met. I love you so much. Goodbye. :''[The hologram ends as Longclaw sinks into the map, fading.]'' :'''Sonic''': No, no, no, wait. :''[The hologram of Longclaw's feather floats into Sonic's hand, which fades as he closes his hands.]'' :'''Sonic''': I won't let you down, Longclaw. :''[Tails looks concerned for Sonic.]'' :'''Wade''': So, is he like... your dad? :'''Tails''': What? :'''Wade''': No? :'''Sonic''': ''[walks over to the map and picks it up]'' According to the map, the first clue is in Siberia. It's a compass that'll lead us to the emerald. :'''Tails''': And with Knuckles already here, it's a race. :'''Wade''': "Knuckles"… Ya know, I knew a kid in middle school named Knuckles. Could fit his whole fist in his mouth. If this is the same Knuckles, then we're screwed. :'''Sonic''': This Knuckles, that Knuckles, doesn't matter. We're gonna get there first. ''[throws a Ring and opens a portal that has Siberia on the other side]'' :'''Tails''': Hehehe, ummm. What do you mean "we"? :'''Sonic''': You're coming with me. :'''Tails''': Oh, no, no, no, no. I-I just came here to warn you. I'm not a field guy. :'''Sonic''': Don't worry, I got your back. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. ''[makes a fist and lifts it to Tails, who walks over to him]'' It's a power bump. On Earth, it means an unbreakable promise. :'''Tails''': Okay, I'm in! ''[he and Tails power bump]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tails''': Check this out. :'''Sonic''': Can you translate that? :'''Tails''': Yeah. Ages ago, a fearsome group of warriors – known as the echidnas – forged the seven Chaos Emeralds into the most unstoppable weapon ever created. :'''Sonic''': The Master Emerald. :'''Tails''': With it, a single warrior could defeat entire armies. Believing no one should have such power, an order of heroes recovered the emerald and swore to protect it from evil. Sounds like the owls and echidnas have been fighting each other (over that emerald) for centuries. :'''Sonic''': Like {{w|Vin Diesel}} and [[Dwayne Johnson|The Rock]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sonic''': Has anyone ever told you you've got serious anger issues? :'''Knuckles''': You mock me with your weak jokes, but you know nothing about me, hedgehog. :'''Sonic''': Well, I know you echidnas have a habit of showing up uninvited and ruining my life! :'''Knuckles''': Ruining your life? Another bad joke. ''[becoming more pensive and sad]'' I lost ''everything'' because of you. My tribe was on the verge of its greatest victory. The last of the owl warriors were located; soon, Longclaw's Emerald secrets would be ours. But my father stopped me from joining the fight. He said my moment to honor our tribe would come, but it was not this moment. Those were the last words he spoke to me. I never saw him again. :'''Sonic''': ''[somberly]'' We both lost everything that day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rachel''': Randall, why do all of your friends have weapons? :'''Walters''': You really should have taken me up on that brunch, Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski. :'''Tom''': Olive Garden guy? :'''Walters''': It's okay, everyone. We're federal agents. You, too, agent. Go ahead. :'''Rachel''': ''[as Randall reveals his badge]'' You mean to tell me that this entire wedding was a setup?! :'''Randall''': Rachel, wait a minute. :'''Rachel''': What? :'''Walters''': That's correct, ma'am. Every single aspect of Operation Catfish was a complete fabrication. :'''Rachel''': Operation Catfish?! So is everyone here an agent?! ''[to the priest]'' Are you an agent?! ''[the Priest reveals his taser inside his book]'' Son of a… Was the florist an agent?! How about the photographer? The woman who waxed my… at the spa? Is Jojo an agent? :'''Randall''': Rachel. :'''Jojo''': What? :'''Randall''': Rachel, listen to me. (I can explain.) :'''Rachel''': ''[fueled with rage]'' I'M DONE LISTENING! I AM DONE LISTENING!! :'''Randall''': I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I really am. I am so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walters''': Something bothering you, agent? :'''Randall''': I just feel a little guilty about what I did to Rachel, sir. :'''Walters''': Don't worry about it. We'll send her a gift card. Now, I propose a toast. To a perfectly executed operation. :'''G.U.N. Agent''': Sir, we're under attack. :'''Rachel''': '''''RANDALL, WIFEY'S HOME!!!''''' :'''Randall''': Oh, my god. Rachel. What... a... Woman. :'''Rachel''': You no-good, lowdown, dirty, lying… :'''Randall''': Rachel, just listen to me. :'''Rachel''': '''WHAT KIND OF TWISTED SICKO TRICKS SOMEONE INTO A ''FAKE WEDDING?!''''' :'''Walters''': Party's over, bridezilla. Stop right there. :'''Rachel''': You son of a… :'''Walters''': Have it your way. :'''Randall''': No! No! :'''Walters''': Very disappointing, Agent Handel. Is that supposed to be a weapon? :'''Rachel''': I don't know, but we gonna find out! :'''Walters''': Haven't you caused enough trouble for one day? :'''Rachel''': I haven't even begun causing trouble! Hell hath no fury like a bride scorned! Looks like it's real, huh? No. Right. :'''Randall''': Be honest. How bad is it? :'''Rachel''': Not bad at all. You got tased. You'll be fine. :'''Randall''': I'm so cold. :'''Rachel''': You landed on our ice sculpture. Get up. Just… Just tell me the truth, for once. Is there anything about you or about us that was real? :'''Randall''': Rachel, look at me. Before I met you, I didn't think that I was even capable of real happiness, but that all changed when you walked into my life, and I ended up breaking the first rule of undercover work. :'''Rachel''': Which is...? :'''Randall''': Never fall in love. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sonic crashes through the ceiling of the Master Emerald's chamber, in front of Robotnik and Knuckles, poison darts stuck in his quills]'' :'''Sonic''': ''[coughs]'' Nailed it. ''[A giant mace ball lands right behind him]'' :'''Robotnik''': This guy is always trying to spoil a bad thing! :'''Sonic''': Oh, you guys are here too? ''[Shakes the darts off his quills]'' Took the long way, huh? :'''Knuckles''': Is everything a joke to you? Why must you constantly interfere with my destiny? :'''Sonic''': Because ''my'' destiny is to protect my friends and family! :'''Robotnik''': I think I just threw up in my mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Knuckles goes to crush him with a large rock, Sonic spots Robotnik reaching his hands out to the Emerald]'' :'''Sonic''': Knuckles, stop! Robotnik is stealing the Emerald! :'''Knuckles''': What kinda fool do you take me for? :'''Sonic''': Just look! :''[Following Sonic's attention, Knuckles looks over his shoulder to look at Robotnik]'' :'''Robotnik''': Mine... :''[As Robotnik goes to grab the Master Emerald, Knuckles shouts as if stopping him]'' :'''Knuckles''': Wait, that wasn't the deal! ''[drops the rock]'' :'''Robotnik''': Oh, you poor naive creature. It's not your fault. A more advanced intellect would've seen this move coming a mile away, or 1.6 kilometers. :'''Knuckles''': But I trusted you! You were my friend! :'''Robotnik''': ''[laughing]'' Sorry, that just hit me funny. Let this be my final to you, you dimwitted celestial skintag. Friends are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, which means X square times the hypotenuse of Y square divided by the absolute power of friendship equals, dookie! :'''Sonic''': Oh, no! :''[Robotnik grabs hold of the Emerald and a wave of green energy surrounds him. The force knocks Sonic and Knuckles off of their feet]'' :'''Robotnik''': Chaos is power...! :''[With his jacket turned black and the lenses on his goggles and the trim turned green, Robotnik and the Emerald disappear. The whole temple starts to collapse]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sonic is washed on the beach, saved by Knuckles]'' :'''Sonic''': You saved me? :'''Knuckles''': ''[sits and frowns]'' Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood. ''[gets hit by a sandball from Sonic]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow?! :'''Sonic''': ''[throws another sandball at Knuckles]'' Why did you save me? :'''Knuckles''': ''[throws a large sandball that almost completely buries Sonic]'' Because you saved me first, which clearly gave you a tactical advantage I do not understand. :'''Sonic''': ''[shakes sand off of himself]'' It wasn't a tactic. I couldn't just let you die. :'''Knuckles''': But why? I've been trying to destroy you since the moment we met. :'''Sonic''': Because being a hero isn't about taking care of yourself, it's about taking responsibility for other people. :'''Knuckles''': Wise words. An ancient Earth proverb? :'''Sonic''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. I got it from a guy in a rowboat. Someone who means a lot to me. <hr width="50%/> :'''Knuckles''': Those were our best attacks, and they did nothing. :'''Tails''': We can't beat Robotnik as long as he's got that emerald. He's too powerful. :'''Sonic''': Look, we aren't strong enough to beat Robotnik on our own, but there's three of us. ''[to Knuckles]'' Your strength... ''[to Tails]'' ...Your smarts, and my speed, together. That's how we win. :'''Knuckles''': So we make our stand here on the field of battle. :'''Tails''': As a team! :'''Sonic''': This is it. This is our moment! :'''Robotnik''': Time to fight. :'''Sonic''': Bad time to say this, but I don't actually have a plan. Tails, any ideas? :'''Tails''': We have to find his weak spot. :'''Knuckles''': I suggest the groin. :'''Sonic''': What? No, no! :'''Knuckles''': Traditionally, yes. The groin is the weakest spot. :'''Sonic''': Stop saying "groin". :'''Robotnik''': Hedgehog! :'''Sonic''': Look out! I know what his weak spot is, it's me! I'm the groin! Think about it! I live rent-free in this dude's head, so if I go out there and rile him up... :'''Knuckles''': He'll focus on only you, leaving himself open to a flanking maneuver from me and the fox! Hedgehog, you are a brave and noble warrior! Go to your certain death with honor! :'''Sonic''': We're going to have to work on your pep talks, pal. :'''Tails''': Yeah. :'''Sonic''': Let's go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sonic''': OK, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robotnik has been defeated, Knuckles repairs the Master Emerald and brings it to Sonic and Tails]'' :'''Knuckles''': I've spent my entire life questing for this. Now I have it, now ''we'' have it. What can we do with it? What next? :'''Tails''': There were once two orders of heroes who protected the galaxy from those who used the Emerald for evil. :'''Knuckles''': But they've all passed on to the great battlefield in the sky. :'''Sonic''': So we start a new order. The three of us. :'''Knuckles''': This is no light task. We must make a vow: to use our powers to keep the universe safe, to watch out for each other; our new tribe. :'''Tails''': Oh, I know! A power bump! ''[Holds out his fist]'' :'''Sonic''': Good idea! ''[Puts his fist against Tails', Knuckles looks at them confused]'' :'''Tails''': It's an Earth custom. An unbreakable promise. :'''Knuckles''': Very well. A power bump it is. ''[Puts his fist against Sonic and Tails' fists]'' :'''Sonic''': POWER BUMP! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom''': ''[to Sonic before getting ice cream with Tails, Knuckles, Maddie and Ozzy]'' Oh, I'm happy for you, pal. You got your wingmen. Perfect friends they never grow up with. :'''Tails''': Come on, Knuckles. :'''Knuckles''': Ah, my victory chariot! ''[jumps into the back of the truck]'' :'''Sonic''': I got a lot more than that… Dad. :''[Tom smiles at him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mid-credits scene]'' :'''Walters''': Agent, I want an update. :'''Agent Faucet''': Still searching, sir. We haven't found any sign of Robotnik. :'''Walters''': No one could've survived that crash. He's toast. Good riddance. What a mess that lunatic made. :''[A masked G.U.N. solider walks behind the pair, pulling his mask down to reveal himself to be Stone with a scar on his face.]'' :'''Faucet''': Sir, there’s something else. When we were wiping Robotnik off our database, we found something — a file buried deep in our system and dating back [[Sonic Adventure 2|over 50 years]]. :'''Walters''': What was it? :'''Faucet''': Coordinates, sir. :'''Walters''': Coordinates... to what? :''[Scene cuts to a laboratory, where a containment capsule is opening, revealing a dormant black and red hedgehog, resembling Sonic, inside it]'' :'''Faucet''': ''[voice over]'' A secret research facility. It was a black site, sir. Someone worked very hard to keep this hidden. :'''Walters''': ''[voice over; realizes]'' My god... [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Project Shadow]]. : ''[Shadow opens his eyes which ignite with energy]'' == Cast == * '''[[w:Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]]''' — [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic]] <small>(voice)</small> * '''[[w:James Marsden|James Marsden]]''' — Tom Wachowski * '''[[Jim Carrey]]''' — [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]] * '''[[w:Tika Sumpter|Tika Sumpter]]''' — Maddie Wachowski * '''[[Idris Elba]]''' — [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles]] <small>(voice)</small> * '''[[w:Natasha Rothwell|Natasha Rothwell]]''' — Rachel * '''[[w:Adam Pally|Adam Pally]]''' — Wade * '''[[w:Shemar Moore|Shemar Moore]]''' — Randall * '''[[w:Lee Majdoub|Lee Majdoub]]''' — Agent Stone * '''[[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]]''' — [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Tails]] <small>(voice)</small> * '''[[w:Tom Butler (actor)|Tom Butler]]''' — Walters * '''Melody Niemann''' — Jojo * '''Krista Alvarez''' — Agent Faucet * '''[[w:Donna J. Fulks|Donna Jay Fulks]]''' — Longclaw <small>(voice)</small> == External Links == {{wikipedia|Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)}} [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Japanese films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Films about vacationing]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[Category:Films set in Hawaii]] [[Category:Films set in Montana]] [[Category:Films set in Russia]] [[Category:Films set in Seattle]] [[Category:Films based on Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Category:Sequel films]] 6zr48kya1a0cmlnztd3io3hr80xno4i 0 247037 3155826 3106274 2022-08-18T11:25:32Z 91.226.143.254 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Diamond Arm|The Diamond Arm]]''''' is a Soviet crime comedy film made by Mosfilm and first released in 1969. == Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov == * Why didn't the captain warn them? What should I do now? * It's a great thing he's not a smuggler. Nice guy... Why did I get so drunk, eh? * How could you think that?! You, my wife, mother of my children. Oh God! Oh, woe to me...! == Gennadiy Kozodoyev == * These cretins said he was unconscious. So this dope doesn't know anything. Excellent... * Come on, puppy, get out of my way! Get out of here! * Fedya, another hundred and fifty champagne, and that's it. * ''[Gena and Lyolik are with the chief]'' ''[psychically]'' Chief, it's all over! It is ''all'' over!! The cast is going to be removed! The client is leaving! Hahaha! He, he... I'll kill him! I will...! ''[Lyolik covers Gena's face with his beret]'' Mmmm... ''[bites Lyolik's finger]'' Eh! Eh! Eh! ''['''Lyolik''': Ah!!]'' Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! == Dialogue == :'''Semyon''': ... Also I love the song about hares. :'''Gena''': About whom...? :'''Semyon''': ... About hares. :'''Gena''': Senya, about hares... is not relevant! "Island of Bad Luck"! <hr width="50%"/> == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{amg movie|168580}} * {{IMDb title|0062759}} [[Category:1968 films]] [[Category:Foreign language films]] [[Category:Soviet films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Crime films]] pacrtwbjdnsjv0erdashdwejty6m9or 0 247476 3155718 3138410 2022-08-18T01:30:33Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Ouray Crowfoot''' is Chief for the [[wikipedia:Siksika Nation|Siksika Nation]]. == Quotes == * Bringing these items back home to Siksika is a historic event. Many items left Siksika and other Nations and were scattered across the globe. Now the tides are turning and these items are finding their way back home. Crowfoot’s entire essence is in and around Blackfoot territory and this is where his belongings should be housed. We are building strong relationships with curators at several museums as well as private collectors in an effort to bring items such as the ones coming home back to their rightful place. There are many more Blackfoot items still in need of being claimed and repatriated back to their rightful homeland. To me, it is not as important how these items left Siksika, but what is important is how we bring them back home. ** Quoted in [https://www.itv.com/news/westcountry/2022-05-17/exeter-museum-to-return-famous-chiefs-regalia-to-canadas-siksika-people Exeter museum to return famous chief’s regalia to Canada’s Siksika people], 17 May 2022 [[Category:Native Americans]] 1pdvscjyc3by8qws3qkqx1p7m89fqzt 0 248142 3155747 3152826 2022-08-18T03:04:40Z Art1991 16162 /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Ms. Marvel (TV series)|Ms. Marvel]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by Bisha K. Ali for the streaming service Disney+, based on the Marvel Comics featuring the character [[w:Kamala Khan|Kamala Khan / Ms. Marvel]]. == ''Generation Why'' [1.01] == :'''Yusuf''': Aamir, if you don't stop praying long enough to put some food in your mouth, one day you will starve to death. :'''Aamir''': May Allah ''Subha'na ta'ala'' forgive you one day. <hr width=50%> :'''Aamir''': And don't forget to say "''Bismillah''" before starting your car. You're gonna need all the help you can get. :'''Kamala''': Don't even have a license. <hr width=50%> :'''Kamala''': ''[before starting her car in driving test]'' ''Bismallah''. :'''Instructor''': Bless you. :''[Kamala accidentally puts the car in reverse and hits the instructor's car.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kamala's parents fight with her driving instructor after she hit his car]'' :'''Instructor''': Sir, for your daughter I have to walk home. :'''Muneeba''': ''Kameena kaheka'', give me the keys. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Wilson''': Kamala, I need you to go home today. Not right now, after school. You're gonna go home, take a long good look at the mirror and ask yourself, [[w:Reflection (song)|"Who is this girl I see, staring straight back at me?"]] :'''Kamala''': You're quoting lyrics from [[w:Mulan (1998 film)|''Mulan'']]! :'''Mr. Wilson''': I am. == ''Crushed'' [1.02] == :'''Bruno''': …Okay. Well, let's focus on what we know. Light comes out of you and it hardens. :'''Kamala''': Let's call it "Hard Light". :'''Bruno''': Groundbreaking. <hr width=50%> :'''Tyesha''': Did your family live in [[w:Karachi|Karachi]] for a long time? :'''Yusuf''': Oh, my family has been living in Karachi for generations, yes. Muneeba's family moved to Karachi only after the [[w:Partition of India|Partition]]. Back then, there was no [[w:Pakistan|Pakistan]] or [[w:Bangladesh|Bangladesh]]. It was all one big country, [[w:British Raj|India]]. :'''Aamir''': After the British just... :'''Muneeba''': The British left us with a mess. It was hard for many people. And then there was a [[w:Bangladesh Liberation War|civil war]]. == ''Destined'' [1.03] == == ''Seeing Red'' [1.04] == == ''Time and Again'' [1.05] == :'''Muneeba''': …Ammi, she's still not home. :'''Sana''': You know, Magnum got lost once, I had him microchipped. :'''Muneeba''': Okay, Ammi, Magnum is a dog. Kamala is a girl. Okay? Trust me, if it was legal, I would do it. == ''No Normal'' [1.06] == :''[upon seeing Bruno and Kamran wearing Halal and Hamram baseball caps]'' :'''Kamala Khan''': What are you wearing? :''[upon seeing Kamala wearing her superhero costume]'' :'''Bruno, Kamran''': What are *you* wearing? <hr width=50%> :'''Kamala Khan''': Embiggen. <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Deever''': Please, stop stalling. Don't you see this kid could put you all at risk? If you're abetting a potential suspect, no one will be on your side, Sheikh. :'''Sheikj Abdullah''': I don't need anyone on my side. "I'm not even concerned if God is on my side as long as I am on His side. For God is always right." :'''Agent Deever''': I don't have time for Quranic quotes. Excuse me. :'''Sheikj Abdullah''': Actually, that was [[Abraham Lincoln]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Yusuf Khab''': You saved lives. And if you saved one life... Well, you saved the world. <hr width=50%> :''[to a distressed Kamran]'' :'''Kamala Khan''': There is no normal. There's just us and what we do with what we've been given. <hr width=50%> :'''Bruno''': Okay. So, I went back and looked at your genetic make-up again. :'''Kamala Khan''': Bruno, you know you can call me when you're bored. :'''Bruno''': No. No, no. Aamir kept asking if he might have powers, too. And I think we might've had it wrong the first time around. :'''Kamala Khan''': What do you mean? :'''Bruno''': So, we know why you have access to the ''Noor'' and how you can wield it, but when I compared you to the rest of your family, something still seemed off. :'''Kamala Khan''': Okay. :'''Bruno''': Kamala, there's something different in your genes. Like... Like a mutation. :''[cue theme to [[w:X-Men: The Animated Series|X-Men: The Animated Series]]]'' :'''Kamala Khan''': Whatever it is, it's just gonna be another label. == Cast == * [[w:Iman Vellani|Iman Vellani]] as [[w:Kamala Khan (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Ms. Marvel / Kamala Khan]] * [[w:Matt Lintz|Matt Lintz]] as Bruno Carelli * [[w:Yasmeen Fletcher|Yasmeen Fletcher]] as Nakia Bahadir * [[w:Zenobia Shroff|Zenobia Shroff]] as Muneeba Khan * [[w:Mohan Kapur|Mohan Kapur]] as Yusuf Khan * Saagar Shaikh as Aamir Khan * Laurel Marsden as Zoe Zimmer * [[w:Azhar Usman|Azhar Usman]] as Najaf * Rish Shah as Kamran == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] 5gsiw36iod8oeigh7blo5bw88jgbbqz 0 248850 3155760 3135357 2022-08-18T04:19:29Z Art1991 16162 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. == Tom Parker == * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. * He had no idea what he had done. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children, reaching for eternity. * If you don't listen to me, all that your mama has sacrificed for you, will be for nothing. Trust me. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] 2cmdo003g4keglzwncpeq5ohq07fp09 3155761 3155760 2022-08-18T04:22:56Z Art1991 16162 /* Tom Parker */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. He was my destiny. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is if that man is on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] rwpy8qe9wloafs4qtgvwtps4lweqc5s 3155764 3155761 2022-08-18T04:34:02Z Art1991 16162 /* Tom Parker */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * No, no, I didn't kill him. I made Elvis Presley. Nothing all those muckrakers said in their books was true. Me and Elvis, we was partners. It was Elvis the Showman and the Colonel the Snowman. I always knew I was destined for greatness. As an orphan, I ran away to the carnival, where I learned the art of the "snow job," of emptying a rube's wallet while leaving them with nothing but a smile on their face. But a carnival act that would get you the most money, the most snow, had great costumes and a unique trick, that gave the audience feelings they weren't sure they should enjoy. But they do. And I knew if I could find such an act, I could create the greatest... show... on... Earth. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, in a flash of lightning, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * It was the greatest carnival attraction I'd ever seen. He was my destiny. Right under my nose... in Memphis. Just why a truck driver from Memphis, Tennessee, liked to hang out on Beale Street, I do not know. But it did him no favors, fitting into them white housing projects. He was crazy for that Beale Street music. Beale Street style. He had Beale Street stars in his eyes. * That night, I happened to see him. Alone. Lost. A snowman is only as good... as his attraction. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is if that man is on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] cqxwpf820ejic2zlyd1u7snf1puok2i 3155765 3155764 2022-08-18T04:34:12Z Art1991 16162 /* Tom Parker */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * No, no, I didn't kill him. I made Elvis Presley. Nothing all those muckrakers said in their books was true. Me and Elvis, we was partners. It was Elvis the Showman and the Colonel the Snowman. I always knew I was destined for greatness. As an orphan, I ran away to the carnival, where I learned the art of the "snow job," of emptying a rube's wallet while leaving them with nothing but a smile on their face. But a carnival act that would get you the most money, the most snow, had great costumes and a unique trick, that gave the audience feelings they weren't sure they should enjoy. But they do. And I knew if I could find such an act, I could create the greatest... show... on... Earth. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, in a flash of lightning, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * It was the greatest carnival attraction I'd ever seen. He was my destiny. Right under my nose... in Memphis. Just why a truck driver from Memphis, Tennessee, liked to hang out on Beale Street, I do not know. But it did him no favors, fitting into them white housing projects. He was crazy for that Beale Street music. Beale Street style. He had Beale Street stars in his eyes. * That night, I happened to see him. Alone. Lost. A snowman is only as good... as his attraction. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is if that man is on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] sgoc3mc6bcp47ycv1vgbh15a1csjrlj 3155787 3155765 2022-08-18T08:14:41Z Art1991 16162 /* Elvis Presley */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. * A reverend once told me, "When things are too dangerous to say... sing." == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * No, no, I didn't kill him. I made Elvis Presley. Nothing all those muckrakers said in their books was true. Me and Elvis, we was partners. It was Elvis the Showman and the Colonel the Snowman. I always knew I was destined for greatness. As an orphan, I ran away to the carnival, where I learned the art of the "snow job," of emptying a rube's wallet while leaving them with nothing but a smile on their face. But a carnival act that would get you the most money, the most snow, had great costumes and a unique trick, that gave the audience feelings they weren't sure they should enjoy. But they do. And I knew if I could find such an act, I could create the greatest... show... on... Earth. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, in a flash of lightning, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * It was the greatest carnival attraction I'd ever seen. He was my destiny. Right under my nose... in Memphis. Just why a truck driver from Memphis, Tennessee, liked to hang out on Beale Street, I do not know. But it did him no favors, fitting into them white housing projects. He was crazy for that Beale Street music. Beale Street style. He had Beale Street stars in his eyes. * That night, I happened to see him. Alone. Lost. A snowman is only as good... as his attraction. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is if that man is on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] bbm9amabjpr38fodx57o651w6bsoflv 3155798 3155787 2022-08-18T08:51:35Z Art1991 16162 /* Elvis Presley */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|"There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself."]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biogrphical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Elvis Presley == * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * I would do anything to make sure my mamma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * This ain't no nostalgia show. We're going to do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. * A reverend once told me, "When things are too dangerous to say... sing." * The papers say I shot my mother and smoke marijuana. == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * No, no, I didn't kill him. I made Elvis Presley. Nothing all those muckrakers said in their books was true. Me and Elvis, we was partners. It was Elvis the Showman and the Colonel the Snowman. I always knew I was destined for greatness. As an orphan, I ran away to the carnival, where I learned the art of the "snow job," of emptying a rube's wallet while leaving them with nothing but a smile on their face. But a carnival act that would get you the most money, the most snow, had great costumes and a unique trick, that gave the audience feelings they weren't sure they should enjoy. But they do. And I knew if I could find such an act, I could create the greatest... show... on... Earth. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, in a flash of lightning, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * It was the greatest carnival attraction I'd ever seen. He was my destiny. Right under my nose... in Memphis. Just why a truck driver from Memphis, Tennessee, liked to hang out on Beale Street, I do not know. But it did him no favors, fitting into them white housing projects. He was crazy for that Beale Street music. Beale Street style. He had Beale Street stars in his eyes. * That night, I happened to see him. Alone. Lost. A snowman is only as good... as his attraction. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is if that man is on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': [gently] Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel... is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocket ship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me in this *golden cage* to keep me here forever with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby! :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after, uh... my beautiful daughter. And I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No, no, no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh! Security! Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows! You don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRED!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ...it is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == == Cast == * [[w:Austin Butler|Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:Tim Guinee|Tim Guinee]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Drug films]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] sgzf0uckwomcyps51lga1inlbcq1so3 2 249349 3155831 3152073 2022-08-18T11:42:33Z Relinus 3124592 wikitext text/x-wiki * Lives of great men all remind us<br>We can make our lives sublime,<br>And departing, leave behind us<br>Footprints on the sands of time; ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow#A Psalm of Life (1839)|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] --------------- ;Personal notepad https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Category:Authors_by_genre 0kftzxhnoc0pp4m5arrga7qlw5c5n59 3155832 3155831 2022-08-18T11:43:33Z Relinus 3124592 wikitext text/x-wiki * Lives of great men all remind us<br>We can make our lives sublime,<br>And departing, leave behind us<br>Footprints on the sands of time; ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow#A Psalm of Life (1839)|Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] --------------- ;Personal notepad https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Category:Authors_by_genre https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Religious_writers f919g9vgnak4gdx87pretx9aa8u41ja 0 249637 3155766 3147493 2022-08-18T04:44:24Z 162.197.99.132 /* Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki ===Executed by the State [6.01]=== :'''Gadget''': Go Go, Gadget! Go Go! :''[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]'' ===Crushed by a Steamroller on My 53rd Birthday [6.02]=== :''[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]'' :'''Boy and Girl''': ''[disappointed]'' Aww. :'''Boy''': Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high. :'''Girl''': But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna ''[bleep]'' some ''[bleep]'' up next year. :'''Captain America''': ''[off-screen]'' Did somebody say "energy crisis"? ''[flies into the house]'' :'''Boy and Girl''': Not in those exact words, Captain America. :'''Captain America''': The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids. :'''Boy and Girl''': But what can we do? :'''Captain America''': We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. ''[stands next to the thermostat]'' Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil. :'''Girl''': We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold. :'''Captain America''': Uh, okay. Next tip. ''[next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand]'' Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them. :'''Boy''': That sounds exhausting. :'''Girl''': Pass. :'''Captain America''': Uh... ''[we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes]'' Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power. :'''Girl''': I'd never wait that long. :'''Boy''': Nobody's gonna do that. :'''Captain America''': Oh, fine. ''[Bleep]'' you then. ''[throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it. :''[Back inside mom and dad are awake]'' :'''Dad''': Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids. :'''Girl''': That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies. :'''Whole Family''': Aww. :''[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]'' :'''Captain America''': ''[shivering]'' My feet are ''[bleep]''ing freezing. ===Punctured Jugular [6.03]=== :''[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]'' :'''Chuck Noland''': ''[wakes up in panic]'' No! Wilson! ''[cries]'' :''[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]'' :'''Doctor''': ''[to Wilson]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? ''[silence]'' Oh. You've lost your memory. ''[the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat]'' Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you! :''[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]'' :'''Policeman''': ''[to Wilson]'' Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. ''[silence]'' Stand down, or I'll use force! ''[kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face]'' Ow! ''[in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away]'' All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer. :''[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]'' :'''Woman''': ''[startled]'' Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! ''[drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police]'' Why are the police after you? ''[silence]'' Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. ''[switching seats with Wilson]'' Take the wheel! :''[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]'' :'''Policeman''': Stop! Ah! They're getting away! :'''Woman''': ''[relieved]'' You did it! You're amazing! Oh, ''[bleep]'' you cops! I've never felt so alive! ''[making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered]'' This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. ''[then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them]'' Save us! ''[throws Wilson at the SWAT team]'' :'''SWAT Team Member 1''': I got it. I got it! ''[hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]'' :'''SWAT Team Member 2''': ''[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him]'' Oh, get it off me! Get it off me! :'''SWAT Team Member 1''': ''[holding the gun]'' Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! ''[shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]'' :''[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]'' :'''Woman''': ''[last words]'' Look out! :''[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]'' :'''Kelly Fears''': Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. ''[getting hit by Wilson]'' Ow! :'''Chuck Noland''': ''[surprised]'' Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever! :'''Kelly Fears''': ''[in pain]'' Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow. :'''Wilson''': ''[suddenly talking in his deep voice]'' No witnesses. :'''Chuck Noland''': ''[about to strangle Kelly]'' No witnesses. :''[Kelly gasps before going static]'' ===Poisoned by Relatives [6.04]=== :'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': Previously on The Fattest Fat Loser, the contestants got real! :'''Miss Piggy''': Moi has always considered oneself pleasantly plump. That is until I shattered Kermit's pelvis. :''[Camera cuts to a bedroom with Kermit and Miss Piggy having sex in the middle of filming an intercourse tape]'' :'''Kermit The Frog''': AHHHHHHHH! Get off of me you ''[bleep]''ing wildebeest! :''[Camera cuts to Mario]'' :'''Mario''': My brother Luigi and me, we used to be the same. ''[holds up a picture of him and 8-bit Luigi from "Super Mario Bros.", from the NES]'' But after a few years-a, ''[shows a picture of him and Luigi from the Nintendo 64-era games]'' if I don't-a change-a my ways, ''[shows a picture of an extremely fat Mario and Luigi running away]'' this is what the Doctor's projected I will look like. :''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]'' :'''Winnie the Pooh''': I've gained so much weight, I can't even fit in Rabbit's hole anymore. ''[pauses in confusion]'' What? :''[Camera cuts to Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': I just wanna lick my balls one more time or at least be able to see them. Wait, wait, I mean, I hate Mondays! :''[A montage of the characters training is shown to the song "Follow your Heart" and culminates with all the characters standing on stage and waving to the camera]'' :'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': The Fattest Fat Loser! ''[farts]'' Gross! :''[Camera cuts to Barbie]'' :'''Barbie''': I've made little girls self-conscious about their bodies for decades. That makes me the perfect trainer for this show. Of course, I am hungry all the time, so I can get a little irritable. ''[Camera cuts to her and Mario, who is knocking a speed bag while jumping]'' Double time, Super Lardio! :'''Mario''': I can-a do this all day. :'''Barbie''': THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT?!?! So sorry. Follow your dreams. YOU FAT ''[BLEEP]''! Sorry. Find your shining star. :''[Camera cuts to Barbie and Miss Piggy doing Kung Fu]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Vous would like to spar with moi? Ah ha ha. I'm a fourth-degree black belt, sweetie. :'''Camera cuts back to Barbie]'' :'''Barbie''': You have to shatter their delusions before you can reach them. The way my delusion of eating another Tiramisu which shattered at age 12. ''[camera cuts back to her and Miss Piggy and doing Kung Fu]'' If you thought Fitness Trainer Barbie was a hard ass, you haven't seen Kung Fu Barbie! :'''Miss Piggy''': Oh yeah?! ''[about to perform karate, but Barbie runs at her and kicks her in the neck and attacks her repeatedly, culminating with her trying to break her arm]'' Moi has to go to the bathroom! :'''Barbie''': I don't care how you lose weight! ''[Miss Piggy poops and she drops Miss Piggy]'' We've had a real breakthrough here today, Miss Piggy. ''[Miss Piggy whimpers; camera cuts to Barbie standing in front of the contestants who have a wheelbarrow each, with different foods in each one; Garfield has lasagna, Mario has spaghetti, Winnie the Pooh has honey, and Miss Piggy has rice]'' You'll push a wheelbarrow full of your trigger food up to the top of this hill where you'll dump your payload into the fire, symbolically saying goodbye to your former fat ass lives and giving you the strength to leave your co-dependent relationship. ''[chuckles]'' You hear that, Ken?! I don't need you anymore! ''[laughs]'' Please, call me. :''[Camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh]'' :'''Winnie the Pooh''': Last fall, Eeyore lost his long battle with depression... ''[camera cuts to Winnie the Pooh holding a pot of Honey in the air]'' For you, Eeyore! ''[begins to pour the honey out of the pot, but it falls very slowly. He looks at the pot and then at the camera, he shrugs. Camera cuts back to his interview after six seconds]'' ...hung himself with his own tail. :''[Camera cuts back to the contestants about to begin their race]'' :'''Barbie''': And go! ''[fires the starting gun, causing all the contestants to start running]'' :'''Garfield''': Wow! I'm in the lead! I have lost weight! This is rewriting the book on Mondays. ''[gasps]'' My balls! ''[throws his wheelbarrow onto Winnie the Pooh and sits down to lick his groin, but sees nothing there]'' Hey! There's nothing in here! JON, YOU MONDAY-ED MY BALLS!! :''[Miss Piggy and Mario pass him, both are getting tired but Miss Piggy makes it first and throws her food onto the fire while Mario falls to the ground]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': I won! I won! Phew, I'm roasting out here. :'''Mario''': ''[sniffs]'' Oh! Is-a that-a my mama's-a prosciutto? ''[gets up and tries to eat Miss Piggy]'' Just-a one-a taste, Mama! One-a bite! :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[last words]'' Hey! Get off! Knock it off! :''[In the process, Miss Piggy falls into the fire]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[arrives in shock]'' Miss Piggy! :'''Winnie the Pooh''': ''[arrives and also in shock]'' Oh, stuff and fluff! :'''Mario''': Wait! Let-a her cook. :'''Winnie the Pooh''': Oh, she does smell delicious. :''[Garfield nods in agreement; camera cuts to a counter on stage]'' :'''Barbie''': Miss Piggy, your final weight loss is... ''[camera zooms out to show that Miss Piggy's charred bones are being weighed]'' 174 pounds! ''[looks at the three other contestants with disappointment, who are much fatter than they were before]'' The rest of you have GAINED a COMBINED 174 pounds. Miss Piggy, you are the Fattest Fat Loser! :''[Confetti falls from ceiling]'' :'''Announcer (Zeb Wells)''': ''[farts]'' Gross! ===Hurtled from a Helicopter into a Speeding Train [6.05]=== :''[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]'' :'''Azmuth''': Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a pair of socks]'' What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens. :'''Azmuth''': That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[gets a telescope]'' I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows. :'''Azmuth''': It's not over yet. ''[cuts to him and Ben at a window]'' Here's your final present. :''[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Whoa! :'''Azmuth''': That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14! :''[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]'' ===Disemboweled by an Orphan [6.06]=== :''[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]'' :'''Female Raptor 1''': I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone! :'''Female Raptor 2''': Crying won't help, there's no way to change it. :'''Female Raptor 1''': Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way. :''[The raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females]'' :'''Female Raptor 1''': HE'S HERE! Finally I'm gonna get married, have babies and live happily ever after! :'''Male raptor''': You got great legs babe, what time do they open? ''[laughs]'' :'''Female Raptor 2''': ''[gasps]'' Asshole! ===In Bed Surrounded by Loved Ones [6.07]=== :''[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]'' :'''Bill''': Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise! :''[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]'' :'''Earl''': Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh? :'''Bill''': Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up. :'''Earl''': Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they? :'''Bill''': And the propeller, any idea when that will come down? :'''Earl''': ''[chuckles]'' Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller. :'''Earl's Wife''': Earl, dinner time! :'''Earl''': Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later. :''[Earl enters the house. Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]'' :'''Bill''': Argh! Yeah, yeah, no. :'''Bill's Wife''': Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end. :'''Bill''': I know. Just, oh, forget it. :'''Bill's Wife''': Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted? :'''Bill''': Nothing. Leave me alone. :'''Bill's Wife''': Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me. :''[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]'' :'''Earl''': Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. Bill! What are you doing?! :''[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]'' :'''Bill''': Your house, Earl, it's gotta go! :''[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]'' :'''LEGO Police Chief''': Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer! :'''Bill''': Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down! :''[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]'' :'''LEGO Police Chief''': Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now. :'''LEGO Policeman''': Uh, chief, you should take a look at this. ''[camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]'' Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads! :'''Earl''': Uh, so, you know... ''[laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]'' :''[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]'' :'''Scotty's Friend''': That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find...Scotty, you idiot! :'''Scotty''': What? It looks cool. ===Choked on Multi-Colored Scarves [6.08]=== :''[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]'' :'''SHE-RA''': We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle. :''[They descend to land]'' :'''SWIFT WIND''': No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you... :''[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]'' :'''SPIRIT''': AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 ''[bleep]''ing seconds! :'''PRINCESS ADORA''': Spirit! ''[crying]'' I'm so sorry. :'''SPIRIT''': It seems like a simple rule of thumb ''[blee]'' head! If we're in the air, I need my magic ''[bleep]''ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a ''[bleep]''ing doctor. :'''ADORA''': ''[crying, pulls out her sword]'' A doctor can't help you! ''[starts to kill Spirit]'' :'''SPIRIT''': Hold up! Wait a minute! You ''[bleep]''ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?! :'''ADORA''': A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs. :'''SPIRIT''': You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this? :'''ADORA''': It's just part of being a responsible horse owner. :'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[appears]'' Oh, my goodness! What's happened? :'''ADORA''': Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella! :'''SPIRIT''': That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit. :'''CASTASPELLA''': ''[literal minded]'' Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! ''[casts the mind swap spell]'' :'''ADORA''': Wait! :''[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]'' :'''ADORA''': ''[in Spirit's body]'' OW! My leg! :'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. ''[cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]'' :'''CASTASPELLA''': Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds. :'''SPIRIT''': ''[in Adora's body]'' Eh. Who's up for meatloaf? ===Hemlock, Gin and Juice [6.09]=== :''[The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn]'' :'''Narrator''': Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing, when suddenly... :'''Thomas''': ''[looks around]'' Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods. :''[We snap to a shot of a bank robber driving Thomas]'' :'''Bank Robber''': No, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite ''[pan to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion]'' right into Knapford Station! :''[Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office]'' :'''Mayor's Aid''': ''[enters]'' Uhh, we've got a problem. :'''Mayor''': Get me Sir Topham Hatt. ''[his aid leaves]'' And you... ''[Rosie appears from behind his desk]'' ...you come back later. :'''Rosie''': You know my schedule, dear. ''[drives away]'' :''[We cut to Tidmouth Sheds with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham Hatt in Percy's cab]'' :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Okay, people, this is what we trained for. ''[Percy laughs]'' So immature. Can we all just stay on track? ''[James also laughs, irritating him]'' Let's just get this bastard! ''[Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away]'' Move, move, move! :''[Percy or James' whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness as James appears to be missing his tender. Eight hours later, as seen on a title card, Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber]'' :'''Thomas''': Hello, Percy! :'''Percy''': Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it? :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Shut your steam hole and get closer! ''[jumps into Thomas' cab]'' :'''Percy''': ''[puffs onto a curved line away from Thomas]'' I love being really useful! :''[A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into pieces]'' :'''Bank Robber''': ''[holding an axe]'' You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! ''[swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain]'' :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Missed me! ''[the robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam]'' Your blows are harmless! :''[The robber hits Thomas the third time]'' :'''Thomas''': My internal organs! ''[after the fourth and fifth hit]'' JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES! :''[The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him yell in pain, and accidentally pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm]'' :'''Bank Robber''': ''[climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie]'' Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup. :'''Harold''': ''[flying towards Thomas]'' Copy that; I'm on my way. :'''Thomas''': ''[shocked and confused]'' Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?! :'''Harold''': That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can ''[bleep]''ing fly! :''[Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well]'' :'''Bank Robber''': So long, Topham! ''[cackles and turns to Harold]'' :''[Harold tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men, who duck as the robber screams, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade]'' :'''Thomas''': AH!! ''[crashes through a sign that says: "Track Work Ahead", leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth]'' What cruel god would give a grain a face?! ''[chugs towards an unfinished bridge]'' :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': ''[urging]'' PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM POWERED SON OF A BITCH!!! :''[Thomas chugs even faster, and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs]'' :'''Bank Robber''': ''[frightened]'' Topham! Help me!!! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up! :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': End of the line, ''[bleep]''-head. ''[kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death]'' :''[We then fade to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds]'' :'''Mayor''': ''[shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand]'' Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe! :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': You're quite welcome, Mayor! :'''Mayor''': And how did you dispose of the dynamite? :'''Sir Topham Hatt''': Uhhhh.... :''[We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying everyone. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls downward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with "THE END"]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[reading the text onscreen]'' And with no more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer. :'''Rosie''': ''[pops out between the story's conclusion and "THE END"]'' Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot Toooot! <hr width="80%"> :'''Dora''': ''[walking down in an alcohol aisle at a store, reading a shopping list]'' Soda, cookies, horchata… ''[crumples up the list and tosses it aside]'' BARF! ''[turns to the viewers]'' Help me out. Which beer has the highest alcohol by volume? ''[Blue computer cursor clicks on the larger bottle]'' Good choice! :'''Backpack''': ''[as Dora picks up the bottle]'' Uh, Dora, you're not old enough to buy that. :'''Dora''': No sh-''[bleep]''t. :'''Backpack''': Dora, please, no! It's wrong- ''[Dora stuffs another bottle inside her mouth, making her gag]'' :'''Dora''': Now let's complete this transaction! '[runs out of the store]'' :'''Cashier''': Hey, stop that kid! :'''Dora''': I need your help again. I need everybody to shout: Where my mother-''[bleep]'' map at?! ===Collateral Damage in Gang Turf War [6.10]=== :''[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]'' :'''Woman''': You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.''[leaves]'' :'''Harry''': ''[pulls out his wand]'' Dungus stoutus. ''[taps his groin region and nothing happens]'' Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. ''[taps his groin region again and nothing happens]'' Polius maximus. ''[taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air]'' AAAAH!! :''[Cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H "Chosen 1" Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types "Hey, Hermione...". Hermione answers "Hey, what's up? Harry types "My dick turned into a beanstalk." Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy "@Library" G. Hermione types the answer "Stalkus minimus"]'' :'''Harry''': Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus. :''[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]'' :'''Woman''': Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. ''[goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling]'' Why do you have a vag? :''[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]'' ===Eviscerated Post-Coital by a Six Foot Mantis [6.11]=== :''[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]'' :'''Mario''': Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere! :'''Luigi''': ''[jumps down and hits another coin block]'' Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now! :''[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]'' :'''Bullet Bill''': ''[flying over Mario and Luigi]'' Mario, your new place is awesome! ''[crashes into a statue]'' Oh, sorry bro. :'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. ''[begins hitting a coin block]'' :''[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]'' :'''Luigi''': Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours. :'''Birdo''': Uh, I don't know. :''[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]''' :'''Luigi''': Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy. :''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]'' :'''Bowser''': Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile. :'''Mario''': We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? Now scram, capiche? :''[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]'' :'''Waluigi''': You-a were-a war-velous. :'''Mario''': Oh, mama ''[bleeping]''ing mia. :'''Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]'' :'''Luigi''': Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due! :'''Mario''': Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. ''[hits a block, but it's empty]'' :'''Luigi: Mario! :'''Mario''': Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch! ''[starts crying]'' :'''Luigi''': ''[consoling him]'' Mario. It's-a over. :''[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]'' :'''Princess Peach''': Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle? :'''Bowser''': No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. ''[referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]'' :''[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a run down apartment living room]'' :'''Princess Peach''': ''[talking to Baby Mario]'' And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a big, fancy house. :'''Mario''': Shut up-a your face! ===Butchered in Burbank [6.12]=== :'''Robin Hood''': I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. ''[tosses the necklace towards the woman]'' :'''Woman''': This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich! :'''Robin Hood''': Oh jeez, that's true. ''[shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]'' :'''Woman''': AH! Me begging hand! :'''Robin Hood''': ''[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand]'' HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich. :''[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]'' :'''Robot 1''': PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! ''[ its head explodes]'' ===Robot Chicken's ATM Christmas Special [6.13]=== :''[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]'' :'''Santa Claus''': ''[realizing that he overslept]'' JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! ''[gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys]'' PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a ''[bleeping]''ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! ''[an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned]'' Pack your ''[bleep]'' and get out. ''[gets into the sleigh with an elf]'' HYAH! ''[takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting]'' Holy, LET'S DO THIS! :''[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]'' :'''Homeless Man''': Santa remembered me! ''[a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]'' :''[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]'' :'''Elf''': Oh, wait a minute! :''[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]'' :'''Santa Claus''': BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I ''[bleep]''ing rule! Santa Dance! ''[starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left]'' Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna ''[bleep]'' me! Santa's the one doing the ''[bleep]''ing tonight! ''[in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked]'' Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?! :'''Mrs. Claus''': ''[off-screen]'' UHHHGH! ''[we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly]'' SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! ''[then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting]'' I HATE Christmas! ''[the elves gasp]'' You heard me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Announcer''': Welcome back to the "Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love". :''[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]'' :'''Justin Bieber''': I love you all! ''[the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in]'' This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. ''[Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts]'' ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Bleep]'' Christmaaaaaas! / ''[Santa joins in]'' ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'', ''[Bleep]'' / I see those presents that you brought me! :'''Frosty and Santa''': ''[Bleep]'' them!! :'''Justin Bieber''': I see that ribbon in your hair! :'''Frosty and Santa''': I'll choke ya with it!! :'''Justin Bieber''': The Christmas card up on the mantel! :'''Frosty and Santa''': It's a photo of my dick!! :'''Justin Bieber''': And all the stockings hung with care!! :'''Frosty and Santa''': They're filled with my ''[bleep]''!! :''[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]'' :'''Justin Bieber''': ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''! ''[Bleep]''-''[Bleep]'' Christmas!! ''[slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves]'' Yeah! Oh yeah! :'''Executive 1''': We never had this problem with David Cassidy. :'''Executive 2''': Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a ''[bleep]''ing artist! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. ''[hands a present to Jason]'' Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. ''[gags with blood and dies]'' :'''Jason Bourne''': ''[opens his present]'' Parcheesi! <hr width=50%/> :'''Nerd''': ''[wakes up from his bed]'' Oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY!!! CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!! ''[hand springs sideways down the stairs]'' Jingle Bells, Mom's in Tears- ''[finds the living room empty]'' What is going on? :'''Nerd's Mother''': Everybody be cool, we've just been ROBBED!!! :'''Nerd's Father''': Bastards even took the tree! What could the black market value on a rapidly browning Douglas fern possibly be?! :'''Nerd''': No-No presents?!?! :'''Nerd's Mother''': Oh, honey, it's totally fine. We're gonna have... ''[holds up an imaginary present]'' pretend Christmas! Open it! :'''Nerd''': It's uh... :'''Nerd's Mother''': It's just a mint card version 2: Snake Eyes from 1985 with an AFA grade of 99! :'''Nerd''': ''[panicking]'' THIS GOT STOLEN?!? AARRRGH! ''[runs out of the house]'' :'''Nerd's Mother''': Sweetie! You didn't open your brand-original artwork from G.I. Joe #21, with signed certificate from CREATOR LARRY HAMA!!!! :'''Nerd''': AARRRGGGH!! ''[crying]'' Why did this happen to me?!?! ''[hearing a song from a distance]'' Huh? ''[sees a few citizens chanting a song and forming a circle]'' :'''Dave''': Join us, friend. All our houses were robbed. :'''Nerd''': Thanks, but I don't wanna sing and feel better. :'''Dave''': ''[laughs]'' No, we're not singing to feel better. We're chanting to raise the Spirit of Vengeance from the depths of hell to seek out the mother''[bleep]''ers who stole my children's iPads, and disembowel them with a giant flaming spear. :'''Citizen 1''': You're in the wrong circle, Dave! The Chant for VENGEANCE circle is over there! ''[points to another chanting circle with a chuckle]'' :'''Dave''': Aw, dammit! :'''Nerd''': Wait a minute! The stolen presents, the singing rubes...I know this story! ''[gasps]'' That means the thief should be... ''[on Mt. Crumpet, the Grinch is seen riding a sleigh to the top]'' AH-HAH!!! ''[cut to him, climbing on Mt. Crumpet]'' In hindsight, racing up this icy mountain in a onesy was a bad idea! Can't...go...on! ''[a thought bubble of Snake Eyes appears]'' Oh, Snake Eyes! You'll have some inspirational words for me! ''[Snake Eyes says nothing]'' ...Uh...kind of dropping the ball, Snake Eyes. ''[another thought bubble of live-action Larry Hama appears]'' Wow, Larry Hama! :'''Larry Hama''': You can do it! Believe in yourself! :'''Nerd''': Not the most original words of inspiration I've ever heard. :'''Larry Hama''': Look, kid. I used to write a comic book that was basically worth the news in a toy catalog. ''[picks up his book]'' Now, if you want me to read some passages from my unfinished novel... :'''Nerd''': No, thank you. ''[continues climbing until he makes it to the top where the Grinch's sleigh is]'' GRINCH!! COME OUT OF THAT SLEIGH SO I CAN WHIP THE GREEN OFF YOUR BITCH ASS! ''[to the audience]'' It's easy to talk tough to a villain when his little bird was even bonier than your own. ''[gasps when he sees the Grinch who reveals himself to be the Jim Carrey version of the himself from the eponymous 2000 film]'' You're not the cartoon Grinch, you're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch! :'''JC Grinch''': A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend! And I'm afraid your precious presents are- :'''Nerd''': ''[grabs JC Grinch by the coat]'' You took the best cartoon of all time, AND YOU PISSED IN IT'S MOUTH!!! :'''JC Grinch''': Hey, hey, hey, let's not get personal. :'''Nerd''': You know what? Keep my stuff! I'm about to give myself the best Christmas present of all time! ''[pushes the Grinch's sleigh]'' :'''JC Grinch''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''[falls off the mountain with his sleigh, and crashes down below]'' :'''Nerd''': MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NI-- ''[the barking is heard]'' Oh my, Gosh! That little Stockholm's Syndrome dog! ''[Max hands him a G.I. Joe card of Snake Eyes]'' OH MY GOSH!!! ''[sighs]'' These tooth marks are really gonna affect the AFA grading, though. :''[Max whines. Meanwhile, back in the Town, the citizens continue chanting their Spirit of Vengeance song]'' :'''Citizen 2''': ''[dragging the Grinch's dead body with blood]'' Everyone! Look what fell through my roof! The Christmas thief! :'''Dave''': THE SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!! ''[everyone cheers; brief pause]'' Would the Spirit of Vengeance want us to rape it? :'''Citizen 1''': It is Christmas. :''[Everyone cheers]'' ===Papercut to Aorta [6.14]=== :''[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box'' :'''Statler''': That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho! :'''Waldorf''': Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the... :'''Statler''': I don't even know you anymore. ===Caffeine-Induced Aneurysm [6.15]=== :''[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]'' :'''Happy Clown''': ''[honks with horn]'' Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?! :'''Sad Clown''': My wife died! :'''Happy Clown''': ''[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth]'' Uh, that wasn't in the script. :'''Sad Clown''': I know! ''[starts crying loudly]'' :''[The happy clown backs away]'' ===Eaten by Cats [6.16]=== :''[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]'' :'''Zordon''': Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers! :'''Alpha 5''': I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes. :''[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]'' :'''Tinky Winky''': Ooohh... :'''Zordon''': Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names? :'''Tinky Winky''': Hi. Tinky...Winky. :'''Dipsy''': Hi. Dipsy. :'''Laa-Laa''': Laa-Laa. :'''Zordon''': Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me. :''[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]'' :'''Zordon''': Just tell me your name! :'''Po''': Poooooooooooooooo! :'''Zordon''': ''[worried]'' Guys, pick up the pace a little- :'''Tinky Winky''': Tinky...Winky. :'''Zordon''': Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky. (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! ''[we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance]'' Okay, there's a giant monster approaching. :'''Laa-Laa''': Yay! :'''Zordon''': No, not yay. :'''Dipsy''': Hold hands? :'''Zordon''': No, not hold hands! :'''Tinky Winky''': Hold hands! :'''Po''': H-H-H-H-Haaands! :'''Dipsy''': ''[in Laa-Laa's voice]'' Hold hands. :'''Zordon''': ''[very frustrated]'' Call your Zords! :'''Tinky Winky''': Oh. :'''Laa-Laa''': Zords! :'''Zordon''': Yes! Now we're on the right track! :'''Po''': Hold hands! :'''Zordon''': ''[in defeat]'' No! This is impossible! ''[Bleep]'' you guys! ''[teleports out of sight in fury]'' :''[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]'' :'''Po''': ''[confused]'' Tinky...Winky? :''[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]'' ===Botched Jewel Heist [6.17]=== :''[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]'' :'''Minnie''': So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together? :'''Goofy''': Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they? :'''Mickey''': Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural! :'''Donald''': Somebody finally said it! :'''Goofy''': But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there. :'''Mickey''': Well, there's Pluto. :''[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]'' :'''Goofy''': I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. ''[leaves with Clarabelle]'' :''[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]'' :'''Mickey''': I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second? :'''Donald''': I second! :'''Chip''': No! You can't legislate love! :'''The Prince''': Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker! :'''Chip''': We're brothers! :'''Dale''': We're cousins! :'''The Prince''': Get your story straight, fellas. :'''Beast''': Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? ''[no response]'' Guys? :'''Mickey''': All right, enough, enough. All in favor? :'''Everyone''': I! :'''Mickey''': The motion passes! :''[The audience clamors]'' :'''Walt Disney''': ''[steps out from behind]'' Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry. :'''Uncle Remus''': He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney! :'''Walt Disney''': I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! ''[makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]'' ===Robot Fight Accident [6.18]=== :''[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]'' :'''George''': Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip? :'''Elroy''': Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. ''[holds up an alien egg]'' :'''George''': Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool. :'''Elroy''': Aw, dad, can't I keep it? :'''George''': Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure. :''[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]'' :'''Astro''': Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! ''[George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]'' :'''Elroy''': ''[walks the facehugger on a leash]'' Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien. :'''Astro''': Ro! Ranger! Ranger! ''[No! Danger! Danger!]'' :'''Elroy''': Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy. :'''Astro''': Ro! Ro! Ro! ''[No! No! No!]'' :'''George''': Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something. :'''Astro''': Rassrole. ''[Asshole]'' :''[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]'' :'''Jane''': Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. ''[puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]'' :'''Elroy''': ''[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms]'' Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! ''[chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]'' :'''George''': Wow! You really are sad! :''[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]'' :'''Jane''': Stop him, George! ''[George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent]'' Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. ''[strips down to a tank top and underwear]'' :'''George''': You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. ''[Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers]'' Aw, dang it. :''[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]'' :'''Jane''': It must have had an inexplicably short growth span! :'''Judy''': On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace. :'''George''': ''[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count]'' Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left! :''[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]'' :'''Judy''': ''[approaching the creature]'' Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream- :''[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]'' :'''Rosie''': Get away from her, you bitch! :''[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]'' :'''Jane''': Phew. It's over. :'''Astro''': Reah. Rhew! ''[Yeah. Phew!]'' Rrraaarrrrggghh! ''[a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]'' :'''Jane''': You know that's scary exactly once. ''[she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]'' ===Choked on a Bottle Cap [6.19]=== :'''Flik''': ''[making a speech to the Circus Bugs]'' Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! ''[hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party]'' Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow. :'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...''[BLEEP]'' YOUR BIG DAY! :'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now! :'''Mr. Mayfly''': Oh yeah! :''[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]'' :'''Mrs. Mayfly''': Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! ''[laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration]'' Get it out of me! :''[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]'' :'''Mr. Mayfly''': Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them! :'''Mrs. Mayfly''': You're a midlife cliche! :''[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]'' :'''Mr. Mayfly''': ''[depressed]'' Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK- ''[gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]'' :'''Flik''': ''[looks at the dead couple; relieved]'' Oh, finally. :'''Baby Mayfly''': ''[hatched from one of the eggs]'' Wo-hoooo! Party time, baby! :'''Flik''': ''[irritated]'' OHHH, ''[BLEEP]'' ME! ===Immortal [6.20]=== :''[The door to a wooden cabin flies open. Five teens walk in one after the other]'' :'''Curt Vaughn''': Party weekend at the cabin! Let's all toss a football around! :'''Marty Mikalski''': I say we all get hiiiiggghhh! :'''Holden McCrea''': I really have some studying to do! :'''Jules Louden''': Let's all have sex! :'''Dana Polk''': I'm not having sex until I find that special someone. (simpers) :''[Cut to a control room. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are sat at computer desks, with Zeb Wells sat at a security desk behind them]'' :'''Matthew Senreich''': Wow, now those were some efficient character introductions! :'''Seth Green''': When you're making entertainment to appease the gods, you gotta be clear about it. :'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute, what's this about gods? :'''Seth Green''': Yeah, in the old days, a simple human sacrifice would do, but the gods got more sophisticated over time. :'''Zeb Wells''': Wait a minute! Isn't this exactly like that Joss Whedon movie, Cabin in the Woods, written and directed by Drew Goddard? :'''Seth Green''': ''[appears by Zeb's desk]'' Oh, I think I hear Roger Ebert, but he can't talk anymore so... ''[jumps on Zeb's desk to yell in his face]'' WHO THE ''[BLEEP]'' ARE YOU?! ''[turning away from a stunned Zeb, he presses a button on a remote control]'' :''[In the cabin, a trap door opens up, with a staircase leading down to a basement]'' :'''Marty Mikalski''': I bet that basement is a great place to get hiiiigggghhhh! ''[goes down]'' :'''Curt Vaughn''': ''[goes down into the basement]'' Maybe there's some footballs down there! :'''Holden McCrea''': Or books for reading! ''[goes down]'' :'''Jules Louden''': Or a place to get our booonnneee on! ''[goes down]'' :'''Dana Polk''': Or a place to keep our penises flaccid and our vaginas dry. ''[goes down]'' :''[Cut to the control room]'' :'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, entertainment for the gods and you guys are in charge of it?! :'''Matt Senreich''': There are lots of gods... ''[shows Zeb video screens with footage of numerous gods]'' :'''Seth Green''': But currently only one god needs appeasing. ''[shows a video screen showing a teenager getting high and watching Robot Chicken]'' :'''Zeb Wells''': Wait, wait, guys, that god looks exactly like your average Adult Swim viewer! :'''Matt Senreich''': Does he? Or do Adult Swim viewers look like him? :'''Seth Green''': The point is, no one panders to Adult Swim viewers like we do. ''[cut to the cabin, where the teens are examing objects left in the basement]'' The cellar is full of talismans; whatever they choose, that's what will kill them all! :'''Matt Senreich''': ''[Dana picks up the novel Twilight]'' If she opens one of those books, they'll all be impregnated by vampires! :''[Cut to the Cullen family assaulting the group. A baby vampire bursts from Jules's stomach like in Alien]'' :'''Seth Green''': ''[as Holden looks at a copy of Watchman]'' If he opens that book, Alan Moore will be very unhappy! :''[Sure enough, Alan Moore descends roaring from the ceiling, using tentacles made from his beard to attack the group]'' :'''Matt Senreich''': ''[as one of them lingers over a Classic Football game]'' If he picks that up, they'll all become so bored that- :'''Marty Mikalski''': Hey check it out! A Robot Chicken Nerd action figure! :'''Nerd''': ''[suddenly appears in front of everyone]'' Hi, everybody! Ooh, it's spooky down here! Yuck is that a spider?! :''[Cut to the control room, where all three are watching in stunned silence]'' :'''Seth Green''': ''[exasperated]'' Ok, the second thing they choose, that's what kills them all :'''Holden McCrea''': Where'd he come from?! Oh come on, guys! We can't have two nerds! :''[A thrown axe hits Holden in the face. All turn round to see an axe wielding zombie Joss Whedon behind them. In the control room, Seth and Matt high-five while Zeb looks on in shock]'' :'''Matt Senreich''': Zombie Joss Whedon! All right! Someone found the Buffy DVDs! :'''Jules Louden''': ''[discards a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer]'' Gross! I though this was a cheerleading documentary! :'''Zeb Wells''': Why is Joss Whedon a zombie?! :'''Seth Green''': Punishment! We told him about this place over drinks, and next thing we knew, Cabin in the Woods was in theaters nationwide! :'''Matt Senreich''': People weren't necessarily in those theaters... :'''Seth Green''': Regardless, we made him a zombie. :''[In the woods, Zombie Joss Whedon is chasing the teens. He hurls his axe, severing Curt's legs at the knees]'' :'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Now you cut short...like my TV series Firefly! :'''Jules Louden''': ''[leaps on him and starts punching]'' You bastard! We were going to be together forever! :'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[pulls her off and punches his fist through her torso]'' That's short-sighted...like FOX execs when they cancelled Dollhouse. :''[Cut to Marty hiding behind a tree]'' :'''Marty Mikalski''': Being chased by a zombie fills me with anxiety...and you know what's good for anxiety? Getting high! :'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[appears, pushes Marty's bong through his skull to pin him to the tree, then chops his head off]'' ''[Bleep]'' network tv...is the point I was making earlier. :''[Cut to the control room]'' :'''Seth Green''': Ok, here's where it gets tricky; the virgin has to die last! :'''Zeb Wells''': We're three quarters of the way through this thing, and you drop that bombshell now?! :''[In the woods, Dana and the Nerd run for their lives]'' :'''Nerd''': ''[trips over a bush, revealing a hole leading into the ground]'' Quick, I'm gonna get into the hole under the bush! ''[jumps down the hole]'' :'''Dana Polk''': The hell you will! ''[realizes]'' Oh. ''[jumps down, and the two find themselves in a room full of glass-fronted cells, containing monsters and creatures from other Robot Chicken sketches]'' :'''Nerd''': What is this place?! :''[Cut to the control room]'' :'''Matt Senreich''': Uh-oh! :'''Seth Green''': They discovered our zoo! ''[turns to Zeb]'' You know, our zoo of mythical creatures and monsters and animals that- :'''Zeb Wells''': Thanks, got it! :''[Cut to the zoo. The two pass by a cage holding Skeletor, who growls; Dana screams]'' :'''Nerd''': Whoa, Skeletor! :'''Skeletor''': ''[sarcastically]'' On my planet, you would be Nerdtor, Lord of Crusty Sock Mountain! ''[normal voice]'' Honestly, kid, ''[bleep]'' off! :''[An axe hits the glass; Zombie Joss has caught up to them. The pair run, reaching a door which won't open]'' :'''Nerd''': Oh no, it's locked! :'''Dana Polk''': Try pulling the switch that says unlocked! ''[she does, but all it does is unlock the cages, unleashing the creatures]'' :'''Nerd''': Whoops, it turns counter-clockwise! :'''Dana Polk''': Just go! ''[shoves the Nerd through the door, while the monsters attack Zombie Joss, who fends them off]'' :'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': Grrr! Arrgh! :''[Dana and the Nerd stop running in the corridor, next to a broom closet]'' :'''Nerd''': Wait, I figured it out! We're re-enacting a horror movie! The virgin always dies last... :'''Nerd & Dana''': ''[together]'' So I guess I'm next! Wait, you mean you're a-?! Me too! :'''Nerd''': Wow! It's literally ''[bleep]'' or die! ''[awkward pause]'' Soooo....? :'''Dana Polk''': I haven't decided yet! :'''Zombie Joss Whedon''': ''[fights his way free of the zoo and resumes pursuit]'' Grrr! Arrgh! ''[stops by the broom closet, from which voices are coming]'' :'''Nerd''': Wait a minute, so I put this in there?! :'''Dana Polk''': Yes! Then move it back and forth for about thirty to forty minutes! :'''Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Finished! Thank you! :'''Dana Polk''': I waited twenty-three years for that?! :''[Zombie Joss Whedon collapses and disintegrates]'' :'''Nerd''': We win! :''[Cut to the control room]'' :'''Seth Green''': ''[stunned]'' I can't believe it. They won! :'''Matt Senreich''': The earth is doomed! :'''Zeb Wells''': Holy crap! So now that God destroys us all?! :'''Seth Green''': Maybe not! His generation is really sporadic with their viewing habits; he could catch it online in a few weeks or next year when the DVD boxset comes out-! :''[On the video screen, a scowling Mike Lazzo and Keith Crofford appear]'' :'''Seth & Matt''': ''[resigned]'' Hi, Keith. Hi Lazzo. :'''Mike Lazzo''': You dumb-asses realize you're cancelled, right?! :'''Seth & Matt''': Yes. ''[both pull out guns and proceed to blow their brains out]'' :'''Zeb Wells''': ''[grins]'' Looks like Adult Swim needs a new show! So there's this security guard named Zeb, he's tough but fair and his co-workers are all wacky but in different ways- :'''Mike Lazzo''': I'm gonna stop you right there. Who the ''[bleep]'' are you? 3pgbh6qn8yzd1taj32hri9p6qvauam6 0 250005 3155661 3155388 2022-08-17T22:48:12Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ + wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline sicne the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 1938 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm ilk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] nj59h2grlwbvwzn7f4xrczzakbefo6y 3155667 3155661 2022-08-17T22:51:27Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future (2001) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline sicne the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 1938 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] 41f7491u1y3soguekp855bpyppr2po8 3155669 3155667 2022-08-17T22:55:27Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future (2001) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline sicne the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] nhvps6528mb7epdr8o8nsf8dnrf27hj 3155672 3155669 2022-08-17T23:00:50Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950 (1995) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] q0hmbmr6oewd88frzurp453ok7gfobg 3155684 3155672 2022-08-18T00:09:55Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Collapse of British Power (1972) */ + wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they place unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] as8ezkw5ipgxzup5yz084ia0q83kth1 3155688 3155684 2022-08-18T00:16:20Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future (2001) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they place unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering Industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] 0dq92hr8dndyhb3ehd92o2z0m5oewa6 3155692 3155688 2022-08-18T00:18:38Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950 (1995) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they place unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. Instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering Industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] b9rb7ra7q4ahxcjicda8erqzsrhi7s3 3155708 3155692 2022-08-18T00:50:52Z Coningsby 10755 /* 1970s */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they placed unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. Instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering Industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] csur2lbgwkdwe8fgv6njv30r00ai365 3155712 3155708 2022-08-18T00:56:53Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950 (1995) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they placed unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. Even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-quipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. Instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering Industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] lfr2xeifmgbesoqpwoogqz9ncbcajk6 3155809 3155712 2022-08-18T10:21:25Z Coningsby 10755 /* The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950 (1995) */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Correlli Barnett|Correlli Douglas Barnett]]''' (28 June 1927 – 10 July 2022) was an English [[w:Military history|military historian]], who also wrote works of [[economic history]], particularly on the United Kingdom's post-war "[[w:deindustrialization|industrial decline]]". ==Quotes== ===1960s=== ====''The Swordbearers: Supreme Command in the First World War'' (1963)==== *The mistake was enshrined in the preamble to the first German [[w:German Naval Laws|Navy Bill of 1900]], by which the new [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] was to be big enough to constitute a provocation and a worry to the British, but not big enough to defeat the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]]. The Germans thus drove the British into alliance with their enemies without as a compensation being able to defend German overseas colonies and trade... The basic truth about the High Seas Fleet was that it should never have been built. **p. 118 *For the British...[[w:Battle of Jutland|Jutland]] has a much deeper significance, for it was in fact a defeat for British technology. More than that, as with the French at [[w:Battle of Crécy|Crécy]] and [[w:Battle of Sedan|Sedan]], a social system had been exposed by battle as decadent and uncreative. Jutland proves that already in 1914, when Britain and her empire had never seemed richer, more powerful, more technologically able, dry rot was crumbling the inner structure of the vast mansion. Jutland proves that the spectacular collapse of British power and British industrial vigour after 1945 was not a sudden disaster due, as comforting legend has it, to the sale of overseas investments in 1914–18 and 1939–45, but the final acute phase of seventy years of decline. For the principal armed service of a country—in its professional attitudes, its equipment, its officer corps—is an extension, a reflection, of that country's whole society, and especially of its dominating groups. **p. 178 *Two things caused the decadence of British maritime power: the long peaceful supremacy after [[w:Battle of Trafalgar|Trafalgar]] and the capture of the navy by that hierarchy of birth and class that controlled so many of Britain's national institutions. Drawing most of its officers from 1 per cent of the nation, the Royal Navy never tapped that great reservoir of urban middle-class talent that made [[w:Reinhard Scheer|Scheer]]'s fleet so well-educated and so intelligent... The navy reflected social rather than functional values, preoccupation with tradition rather than technology... It was a tragedy for Britain that the aristocracy and gentry had never been cut off from the national life, as had largely happened in France... [T]he social and intellectual values of industrial society never ousted those of the aristocracy. The richer Victorian England became, the more ashamed in a deep sense did she become of the technological origin of those riches. The engineer and the businessman have never been as "respectable" in Britain as in Germany or America... [I]n the world after 1870, when Britain faced the technical challenges of the more complex phase of the industrial revolution and the commercial challenge of foreign competition, the leadership of the country was in the hands of the social group least likely (because of its wealth and privilege) to be aware of the challenges and to respond to them. From 1870 to 1914 Britain was decadent because a decadent ruling social group and decadent (non-functional) values had captured or corrupted the forces of technological and social change. **pp. 180-181 *[[World War I|The war]] embraced infinitely complex elements and motives. The most important single one of those elements was the struggle for power in Europe, and the world. Between 1870 and 1914 Britain and France had been stagnant and declining in comparative industrial vigour. They nevertheless owned great territories and enjoyed vast traditional overseas markets. Germany...had been comfortably and steadily taking over the markets before 1914; she would have liked the possessions as well. No wonder France and Britain had been so much in favour of defending the political status quo. Yet, as the endless surges and recessions of power throughout history indicate, a fixed status quo is an absurdity because static. The problem of the world of nation states before 1914 was the eternal problem of continually adjusting political structure so that it always fits and expresses the reality of power. **p. 360 ====The Education of Military Elites (1967)==== :<small>'The Education of Military Elites', ''Journal of Contemporary History'', Vol. 2, No. 3, Education and Social Structure (July 1967)</small> *[I]t was the inner elite (the general staff) of one of the most caste-bound and privileged officer corps in Europe—the [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussian]]—that was the first to succumb to the new world of industrial change, and transform itself into a group of "industrial" managers and technicians... Railway transport, swift mobilization, and new equipment called for a high degree of technical skill and competence. Education and intelligence in conscripts required the same attributes in officers. Above all, the Prussian army, in the era of [[Helmuth von Moltke the Elder|Moltke]], [[w:Albrecht von Roon|Roon]], and [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]], was the key to Prussian unification of Germany; neither the officer corps nor the nation could afford it to be less than efficient and modern. By 1870 the revolution was almost complete; the first European army of the modern era had been seen in action in three swift wars. **pp. 20-21 *The new German conception of organizing and planning opened the modern epoch of war. Nothing like the minutely dovetailed plans, routes, and timetables of the mobilization and ''Aufmarsch'' of 1870 had been seen before. Thus an army had become the professional and organizational peer of modern history. **p. 21 *[T]he essential and constant factor common to all three national academies [in Britain, France and America] is the indoctrination with tradition: potent emotional conditioning in military myth, habits, and attitudes. There are the physical symbols and reminders: engraved tablets of the glorious dead; the museums; the assembled iconography of illustrious graduates; statues; guns... At all three academies there are songs, slang, customs and ceremonies that link each annual class together for the rest of their army life... This indoctrination has grown out of history rather than been artificially created, but it may be doubted whether psychologists or sociologists could improve on it. Upon this mental sub-structure, purely neo-feudalist with its emphasis on glory, gallantry, honour, duty, and patriotism, is built functional and technical training, both concurrently at the academies, and later in schools of application. But it is this indoctrination, together with drill and discipline, that turns civilians into soldiers. Without it there would be no difference between a general in a defence ministry and a high executive in a business cartel. In terms therefore of creating the common character of the military elite, this constant factor of conditioning inside cadet colleges has been of greater importance than the changing detail and emphasis of academic curriculum and military training. **pp. 22-23 ===1970s=== *The importance of war and military institutions has been generally neglected in British historical writing, whose tone has been set by the [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] and [[Liberalism|liberal]] emphasis on peaceful constitutional progress. In this liberal view war appears as an aberration, an interruption of a "natural" condition of peace: almost as a form of delinquency unworthy of intellectual attention. The liberal, pacifistic view of history can only be maintained by resolute aversion of the gaze from the facts. For conflict between tribal or social groups and nations constitutes the essential human condition in the absence of a world-state with a monopoly of force. The relations between nation states have always been those of a struggle for advantage and domination, where friendships may indeed burgeon while interests temporarily coincide, but then again languish when those interests diverge. Peace and war in history flow continually in and out of each other, alternative aspects of the single phenomenon of the struggle for power. It is false and unrealistic therefore to divide policy between hard-and-fast categories of "peace" and "war". Policy may shade all the way from trade and diplomatic rivalry through indirect conflict and limited war to total war; the distinctions are of degree, not of kind **''Britain and Her Army: Military, Political and Social History of the British Army, 1509–1970'' (1970), p. xvii *Of course I entirely agree...that the British plight consists in a low-wage, low-investment, low-productivity economy. I suggest...that the peculiar structure, history and attitudes of British [[Trade unions|trades union]] is—and has been for a century—largely, although not wholly, responsible for this dismal cycle. You cannot pay high wages unless you have already achieved high productivity. You cannot achieve high productivity unless the workforce is prepared to operate modern machines to the utmost of the machines' capacity. Yet for all the glib talk by trades union leaders about improving productivity, everyone knows that British industry is fettered by demarcations and other [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]] aimed at preserving somebody's "property right" in a particular task. This in turn must affect British industry's attitude to investment; for what, it may well think, is the point of investing vast sums in advanced processes if it is not to be permitted to work them to their full potential. Surely, therefore, the necessary switch to a high-wage economy cannot be achieved in isolation, by the process of "free [[w:Collective bargaining|collective bargaining]]" (ie, extortion of money by menaces or force), but only in step with a parallel switch to high productivity and investment. Are [[w:Hugh Scanlon|Mr Scanlon]]'s members—and other British workers—prepared to match the efficiency, flexibility, cooperativeness and zeal of German workers—or do they really simply want more money for going on as they are? **Letter to ''The Times'' (1 May 1974), p. 20 *It is noteworthy that neither the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]]'s plans for "reconstructing and regenerating" Britain nor the so-called or alleged "[[w:Social Contract (Britain)|social contract]]" makes provision for reconstructing and regenerating the one British institution which most of all shackles our productive progress and denies us prosperity. I refer of course to the [[Trade unions|trades unions]], whose insistence on over-manning and on rigid demarcations is responsible for the low productivity and want of flexibility of operation in British industry, as was finally and conclusively proved by the experience of the [[w:Three-Day Week|three-day week]]... It might be thought that it was time that the trade unions, who claim so much in terms of power and privilege and yet contribute so little towards the achievement of a British economic miracle, were compulsorily reconstructed too. Such a course is of course politically out of the question. But then it is already clear from the manifestos and the speeches that, over the entire field of policy, what is nationally necessary is still politically impossible. Adjustment to reality being therefore...too painful a cure for us voluntarily to adopt, we shall fool on until there is no more foreign money to be borrowed, but only to be repaid, and catastrophe at last forces adjustment to reality upon us. **Letter to ''The Times'' (25 September 1974), p. 17 *[T]he Victorian [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]] is one of the keys to our decline, turning out by means of curriculum and the moulding influence of school life alike a governing class ignorant of, and antipathetic towards, science, technology and industry, and which despised the qualities needed for success in a competitive industrialised world as those of the cad and the bounder. I would suggest that it is a matter for concern rather than self-congratulation that the broad strategy of contemporary British state education, from primary school to higher education, perpetuates under new guises the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]], [[w:Edward Thring|Thringian]] and [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a "[[w:Liberal education|liberal education]]"; and that it can be argued that even now we are not sufficiently directing our education towards preparing young people to make their way—and their country's way—in the world. **Letter to ''The Times'' (30 September 1975), p. 13 *With regard to [[w:Anthony Blunt|Blunt]], we should remember that the 1920s and 1930s marked a high tide of romantic idealism, or high-minded priggishness, among the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]]-educated British élite. Common-room [[Communism]] was not the only form of mandarin prize-assery to flourish; there were the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]], the [[w:Peace Pledge Union|Peace Pledge Union]], the [[w:Anglo-German Fellowship|Anglo-German Group]] and Anglo-German "[[w:The Link (UK organization)|Link]]", and numerous other groups or ad-hoc committees devoted to various "good causes". There was "[[w:Bloomsbury Group|Bloomsbury]]"; [[E. M. Forster]] as the grand guru of intellectual wetness. A web of personal relationships and inter-connecting memberships linked the different sects into what may fairly be described as "[[w:The Establishment|the Establishment]]". Blunt and co, having pushed romantic idealism to the point of treachery, simply take the cigar as the prizest, or most misguided, asses of them all. **Letter to ''The Times'' (23 November 1979), p. 13 ====''The Collapse of British Power'' (1972)==== *In the eighteenth century the English ruling classes – [[w:Squirearchy|squirearchy]], [[w:Merchant|merchants]], [[aristocracy]] – were men hard of mind and hard of will. Aggressive and acquisitive, they saw foreign policy in terms of concrete interest: markets, natural resources, colonial real estate, navel bases, profits. At the same time they were concerned to preserve the independence and parliamentary institutions of [[England]] in the face of the hostility of European [[w:Absolute monarchy|absolute monarchies]]. [[Liberty]] and interest alike seemed to the [[w:Georgian era|Georgians]] therefore to demand a strategic approach to [[international relations]]. They saw [[w:National power|national power]] as the essential foundation of national independence; commercial wealth as a means to power; and war as among the means to all three. They accepted it as natural and inevitable that nations should be engaged in a ceaseless struggle for survival, prosperity and predominance. Such public opinion as existed in the eighteenth century did not dissent from this world-view. The [[w:House of Commons of Great Britain|House of Commons]] itself reflected the unsentimental realism of an essentially rural society. [[Patriotism]] coupled with dislike and suspicion of foreigners were perhaps the only emotions that leavened the vigorous English pursuit of their interests; a pursuit softened but hardly impeded by the mutual conveniences and decencies of international custom and good manners. **p. 20 *[I]n the course of the first half of the nineteenth century a moral revolution was completed in England; a revolution which was in the long term to exercise decisive influence on the shaping and conduct of English foreign policy. It is indeed in the transformation of the British character and outlook by this moral revolution that lies the first cause, from which all else was to spring, of the British plight in 1940. The revolution had begun to gather momentum in the late Georgian age; a peculiarly English manifestation of the [[w:Romanticism|romantic movement]] common to all Western Europe. The essence of romanticism was to value feeling above calculation or judgement. Romanticism exalted sentiment – soon crudened into sentimentality – over sense... For the first time since the doctrinaire seventeenth century a concern for principle had begun to manifest itself in politics by the early part of [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]'s reign, when, for example, the [[w:American Revolutionary War|war against the rebellious American colonies]] was denounced by politicians like [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] as unjust as well as unwise... After 1793 [[Charles James Fox]] attacked the [[w:French Revolutionary Wars|war with revolutionary France]] as being an attempt to crush a noble experiment in human liberty rather than the parrying of a national danger. [[w:Radicals (UK)|Radicals]] of the day, like [[w:Samuel Whitbread (1764–1815)|Samuel Whitbread]], the brewer MP, were even more passionately moralistic in denouncing English policy and excusing French actions, thereby setting a pattern of emotional response to be followed by the romantic [[w:Left-wing politics|left of politics]] down to the present day. **p. 21 *As a consequence of this spiritual revolution English policy ceased to be founded solely on the expedient and opportunist pursuit of English interests. International relations were no longer seen as being governed primarily by strategy, but by morality. As [[William Ewart Gladstone|Gladstone]] put it in 1870: "The greatest triumph of our epoch will be the consecration of the idea of a public law as the fundamental principle of European politics." **p. 24 *For other [[w:Great power|great powers]] did not see the world as one great human society, but – just as the British had done up to the nineteenth century – as an arena where, subject to the mutual convenience of diplomatic custom, [[w:Nation state|nation-states]] – the highest effective form of human society – competed for advantage. They did not believe in a natural harmony among mankind, but in [[w:National interest|national interests]] that might sometimes coincide with the interests of others, sometimes conflict. It followed that they considered that relations between states were governed not by law, nor even by moral principle, but by power and ambition restrained only by prudent calculation and a sense of moderation. War therefore, in their view was not a lamentable breakdown of a natural harmony called peace, but an episode of violence in a perpetual struggle. European powers looked on armed forces not as wicked, but as among the instruments of diplomacy. Indeed, whereas in Britain romantic emotion expressed itself in visions of a world society, in Europe it had given rise to a fervent [[nationalism]]. In the late nineteenth century the world was becoming not less dangerous and [[w:Anarchy (international relations)|anarchical]], but more so. Moralising [[internationalism]], born out of [[liberalism]] by [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelical]] faith, was therefore an unsuitable guide to British policy. **p. 50 *The change in the British since the eighteenth century went far deeper than conscious belief. Evangelical religion had modified the national character itself. The violence and quarrelsomeness that had once been noted as English characteristics had vanished, except in working-class districts; replaced by gentleness and readiness to see good in others. Kindness and gentleness indeed were now seen as prime virtues. The hardness, insolence and even arrogance with which Englishmen used to deal with foreigners had given way to an unlimited willingness to see and understand the other man's point of view, even that of an opponent; indeed a willingness to assume, out of a profound though absurd sense of guilt, that his case was morally better founded than their own. Thanks also to Victorian religion – and perhaps to [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]] – the English now evinced a compassion for the underdog and a sympathy for failure, and a corresponding suspicion of ability and success, that were unparalleled in other countries. Thus it followed that the English now preferred the soft handshake of goodwill and reconciliation (in which they placed unbounded trust) to the firm grip of decision and action. [[w:Appeasement|Appeasement]] indeed had become a conditioned reflex of the British middle and upper classes. Few would now say with [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]] that the practical and sagacious thing to do in life was to carry a point by boldness: knock an opponent down at once, and apologise afterwards if necessary to pacify him. **pp. 62-63 *In terms of British society at home, this transformation of national character was wholly beneficent. It was a great achievement of [[w:Victorian morality|Victorian moralism]] to have softened British life and manners; to have created British civic virtue and self-discipline, and brought about standards of personal and public honesty unequalled in the world; to have rendered the law virtually self-enforcing; to have given the British their special sense of the dignity and liberty of the individual, and, as a corollary, their sense of the individual's personal responsibility. Yet it was exactly because British life itself was now so orderly, gentle, docile, safe and law-abiding, so decent, so founded on mutual trust that the British were less fitted to survive as a nation than their ancestors, whose characters had been formed in a coarse, tough and brutal society. For the British made the fundamental mistake, catastrophic in all its consequences, of exporting their romantic idealism and their evangelical morality into international relations... And so, in applying the qualities of gentleness, trustfulness, altruism and a strict regard for moral conduct to a sphere of human activity where cunning, cynicism, opportunism, trickery and force, all in the service of national self-interest, still held sway, the twentieth-century British stood disarmed and blinded by their own virtues. **p. 63 *Moral force, or [[w:Righteous indignation|righteous indignation]], was in fact the only means the British left themselves with which to influence the course of world affairs. For their parsonical belief in the powers of moral reprobation was accompanied by an equally parsonical dislike of "immoral" forms of pressure, such as bribery, threats or force. The British ruling classes deliberately rejected from their thinking the fundamental operating force in international relations – [[w:Power (international relations)|power]]. To take note that power existed, and was the prime mover, was denounced as a cynical and immoral wish to play "[[w:Power politics|power politics]]". This was about as sensible as denouncing aircraft designers who took note of aerodynamics. To the post-evangelical British, however, power in the relations between States was like the sexual urge in the relations between people: elemental, frightening, and to be denied. It was an era when [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]] were equally ill-thought of. The British approach to diplomacy was therefore rather like their approach to sex, romantically remote from the distressing biological crudities. **p. 242 *The French, in their attitude to making peace, were...preoccupied with the question of Germany's power in the future; a future which they saw as one of continued rivalry between nations.<br>The British and the Americans, on the other hand, had no such hard, clear-cut policy; felt no such overriding concern with German power. In the first place they shared the liberal assumption that the normal human condition was what they called "peace"; a natural harmony in which "war" was simply a meaningless and regrettable breakdown. They did not agree with the [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitzian]] view that "peace" and "war" were alternating aspects of a perpetual conflict of interest between organised human groups, a conflict which can express itself in mere economic and diplomatic rivalry; in threats of force; in covert violence or open pressure; in local use of force; in limited war; or finally, in total war. The notion that the Allied victory in the [[World War I|Great War]] was just one episode in a continuing struggle, from which the maximum advantage must be derived for the next episode, was therefore alien and repellent to them. **p. 310 *Meeting [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] could only impress [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] the more vividly with English feebleness. Here, in Simon, Hitler met for the first time a Foreign Secretary of England, the greatest of all imperial powers, the nation which had thwarted the ambitions of [[Wilhelm II of Germany|Kaiser Wilhelm II]] – this sanctimonious and deferential old gentleman of mild and episcopal appearance. In a situation which called for a breezy, brutal arrogance of a [[Henry Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston|Palmerston]], the chilling dignity of a [[Robert Stewart, Viscount Castlereagh|Castlereagh]], or the blunt, plain-speaking and dominant will of a [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]], Simon could only make a sorry attempt at ingratiation **p. 403 *[T]he Cabinet...continued to put their faith in bringing about the "[[w:Appeasement|appeasement]]" of Europe by negotiation; in other words, in reaching a general settlement of all outstanding European problems with the co-operation and consent of [[w:Nazi Germany|Nazi Germany]]... The Cabinet thus elected to follow a course of action which stood in flat contradiction to their own expressed convictions about the nature and aims of the Nazi régime, and about the worth of the Nazi signature.<br>Nothing could be more in the romantic tradition than so to reject what was dictated by knowledge and commonsense, and instead pursue the impossible but ideal. But this was a Cabinet refulgent with high ideals – high Victorian ideals. By the mid-1930s the direction of English policy had fallen even more completely into the hands of clergymen ''manqués'' than during the 1920s and for the most part clergymen ''manqués'' now well advanced in middle-age or even into elderliness. In [[Stanley Baldwin|Baldwin]]'s Cabinet in 1936, [[Ramsay MacDonald|MacDonald]], [[w:Walter Runciman, 1st Viscount Runciman of Doxford|Runciman]], [[w:Kingsley Wood|Kingsley Wood]], [[Neville Chamberlain]] and [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|Simon]] represented the [[w:Nonconformist conscience|nonconformist conscience]]; [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Halifax]] and [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Hoare]] the [[w:High church|High Church]]; and [[w:Thomas Inskip, 1st Viscount Caldecote|Inskip]] the [[w:Evangelicalism|evangelicals]]. Their approach to world affairs owed no less to Victorian liberalism, for they were deeply imbued with its abhorrence of struggle and its optimistic faith in human reason and goodwill... The political and moral equipment of the English cabinet ministers of 1936–7, being thus designed for an historical situation which had long since disappeared, was useless in the present international environment. **p. 451 ====''Bonaparte'' (1978)==== *In provoking even the peace-loving and feeble [[w:Henry Addington|Addington]] Cabinet into a unanimous decision for war [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] had committed the most catastrophic blunder of his entire career. It sprang in the first place from a failure to understand the English character and English institutions, or comprehend England's strength. Since his youthful studies he had regarded her as the modern [[w:Ancient Carthage|Carthage]], a mere nation of traders doomed to destruction at the hands of a martial state like [[France]]. And certainly there was little about English society that accorded with Bonaparte's own ideas as to what constituted a powerful and well-governed state. Vacillating cabinets precariously depended on the hazardous outcome of parliamentary votes. Instead of the central government directing the national life, the national life arranged itself by some mysterious organic process. The nobility and gentry governed the English [[w:Shire|shires]] virtually without reference to [[London]], even controlling the [[w:Militia (Great Britain)|militia]], that important part of the English military system. The new volunteer movement had sprung up spontaneously as private and independent associations of citizens. The legal profession and the universities jealously guarded their independence. The [[w:City of London|City of London]], the world's greatest financial centre, formed yet another self-governing republic. The [[Industrial Revolution]], already well under way in England but not yet to begin in Europe, owed everything to personal initiative and nothing to State direction or encouragement. All in all, English society consisted of innumerable co-existing private clubs. The apparent anarchy of the English scene found supreme expression in a [[Freedom of the press|free press]] which hounded politicians, the nobility and even the royal family with cruel lampoons. How could such a cloud of human atoms, such a nation of usurers lacking even a great army, contended against Bonaparte's own logical, efficient military state directed by a single mind of genius? **p. 94 *Yet although Bonaparte could not perceive it, those atoms were held together by a principle – love of liberty; the right to arrange your own affairs in association with your fellows without being told what to do by a government and its bureaucrats. He could not begin to comprehend that through such free association and debate Englishmen might arrive at a union far more resilient than the brittle artificial unanimity he had imposed on France; at a truly national purpose in contrast to the mere acquiescence of the French people in his own designs. He failed as well to note the dynamism of a country where initiative and decision flourished everywhere in the soil of liberty instead of being the monopoly of one man at the top like himself. And despite his fulminations about English gold buying allies to fight against France, he no less underestimated the strategic importance of England's resources as the world's most powerful industrial and trading nation. **p. 94 ====I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength (1979)==== :<small>'I. Technology, Education and Industrial and Economic Strength', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 127, No. 5271 (February 1979)</small> *There are of course the neo-[[w:Augustus Pugin|Puginites]] or neo-[[William Morris|Morrisites]] who like to think of Britain as leading the world into a post-industrial phase where this form of capability will be obsolete, and who despise so material a matter as GNP as unethical or—the trendy version—unecological. Yet these high-minded escapists are among the first to howl about the need for more resources to be invested in hospitals, schools, good works, prison improvement, subsidies for the arts and what not. A country of static or declining GNP will not be an '[[w:Erewhon|Erewhon]]' but a pinched and increasingly bitter place. Poverty may be noble as a concept; it is rarely so in in the flesh. **p. 118 *Yet there ''had'' been an educational revolution in Britain since the 1820s—the reform and expansion of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] which produced the British governing élite. And it is in the nature of the Victorian public school that we find the other key factor explaining why Britain was so slow and so inadequate in educating for industrial capability. The Victorian public school was inspired by the religious and moral idealism of the [[w:Romanticism|Romantic Movement]]. It turned away from the realities of the industrialized world of the era and from such topics as science and technology. **p. 121 *So the new or re-vamped public schools did not set out to equip their pupils to lead great industrial enterprises or a great industrial nation, but to turn them into [[Christianity|Christian]] gentlemen able to govern the [[British Empire|Empire]] and ornament the ancient professions like the Church and the Law. The eighteenth-century [[w:Dissenting academies|dissenting academy]] tradition of blending the arts and science into a practical preparation for a working life withered away. The prestige of the public schools as an avenue into gentility and the upper class seduced businessmen and engineers alike into sending their children to them. The public schools not only failed to educate a technical élite, they served to starve industry of the nation's highest available intellectual talent and the socially most prestigious groups. Industry and technology became what modern research confirms it still is in Britain—low in status, and hence, in a continual vicious circle, low in reward and low in human calibre compared with our rivals. By the 1850s an immense gulf had opened, from both sides, between industry and such education as there was—between the "practical man" despising education on the one hand, and the public schools on the other concentrating on the classics, religion and games. **p. 122 *Britain therefore entered the twentieth century an ill-educated, one might say ignorant, nation compared with its rivals; and particularly weak in those key areas of education on which industrial success depends. We see in these failures the combined baneful effects of liberal ''[[laissez-faire]]'''s reluctance to embark on large-scale state education at all levels, the "practical man"s' scorn for technical education, and a public-school-educated governing élite's lack of comprehension that Britain stood or fell by her industrial capability. **p. 124 *It is entirely wrong to divide and separate education, in the sense of enabling somebody to realize his or her own potential, from education that enables them to make their way in the world and earn a living. By concentrating solely on what seems to me to be a vastly too ideal form of education you will be projecting people into the world who may have acquired a splendid taste for [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]], or whatever, but who are totally incapable of earning a living. We might have a nation which was enormously cultured, but actually could not keep a roof over its head, or warm itself or provide itself with food. The first law is survival. **p. 128 ===1980s=== *[G]iven that we are today a country that would be as bankrupt as [[w:British Steel (1967–1999)|British Steel]] if it were not for the lucky strike of [[w:North Sea oil|North Sea oil]], and that our [[w:Gross national income|gross national product]] is only half [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]'s, the attempt to maintain "balanced" forces plus a nuclear deterrent constitutes an exercise in nostalgic unrealism. We are like an impoverished aristocratic family who, by petty economies, struggles to go on living in the gradually decaying ancestral mansion rather than live comfortable within their means in a bungalow. Thirty-five years after the Second World War it really is time that we faced the reality of our true status as a nation and adopted a defence policy appropriate to it. **Letter to ''The Times'' (22 December 1980), p. 13 *Does not Mr [[E. P. Thompson]] see any connexion between the internal nature of the [[Soviet Union|Soviet empire]] as an oligarchic tyranny and its external policies? As a former [[Communism|communist]] he must know that the Soviet regime is of its very nature and from earliest origins a minority conspiracy that has gained and maintained power by force and trickery; that because of this inherent nature it always has been and remains terrified of independent centres of thought or power, whether within the Russian empire or beyond its present reach. It is the conjunction of such a regime, and its manifested wish to dominate others, with armed forces powerful beyond the needs of mere defence that is the engine of the present "armaments race". Who believes that [[NATO|Nato]] and its armaments would exist if Russia had been a Western-style open society for these last 60 years? The first requirement for large-scale nuclear or any other kind of disarmament is the withering away of the [[w:Communist Party of the Soviet Union|Communist Party of the Soviet Union]]. **Letter to ''The Times'' (8 August 1981), p. 13 *Britain's proportionate losses in killed of men aged 15–49 was just under half that of France. Britain suffered a 6.7 per cent loss as against Germany's 10 per cent. Therefore the "[[w:Lost Generation|Lost Generation]]" as applied to the whole nation is confirmed as a myth. No one has disputed that losses fell disproportionately on the products of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] and [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]]. But this raises two questions. In the first place [[w:RAF Bomber Command|Bomber Command]]'s losses in aircrew in the Second World War (an equivalent élite of educated and intelligent young men) were considerably higher, at 55,888 dead, than that of subalterns on all fronts on the Great War of 37,452, but no one has sought to romanticise Bomber Command's losses or seek to use such loss to explain our national decline, in the fashion of the "Lost Generation" myth. In the second place, [[w:Hew Strachan|Dr. Strachan]] and others of his standpoint may over-estimate the value to Britain of these highly publicised public-school and Oxbridge heroes. Does one really see [[w:Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood|Pre-Raphaelite]] knights like [[w:Julian Grenfell|Julian Grenfell]] or [[Rupert Brooke]] saving Britain from industrial decline and leading us to the conquest of markets in high technology? Consider how useless the most famous survivors proved, such as [[Siegfried Sassoon|Sassoon]] and [[Robert Graves|Graves]], or, for that matter, [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]. **'Letters', ''Journal of the Society for Army Historical Research'', Vol. 60, No. 241 (Spring 1982), pp. 52-53 *If therefore you look at Britain as an industrial society around 1944–5 in all its aspects, including education, it is clear that what was needed was fundamental reform and reconstruction; massive capital investment in rebuilding and re-equipping; a huge expansion of education and training at all levels. In a word, an "economic miracle" such as Germany and other European states, Japan too, actually carried out in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Yet no such "economic miracle" ever took place in Britain—even though she was to receive a third more [[w:Marshall Aid|Marshall Aid]] than West Germany, for instance: 2.7 billion dollars to 1.7 billion. It never took place because of fundamental policy decisions taken by the wartime coalition government in 1943–5, and to which postwar governments broadly adhered for some three decades. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 787 *Britain came out of the Second World War as an obsolescent industrial economy with grievous weaknesses. Instead of first devoting all possible resources and effort to remedying this, she chose to load this economy with the vast and potentially limitless cost of the welfare state; current expenditure before capital investment; the patterns of the next thirty years. **'The Audit of War: Britain as an Industrial Society 1939–45', ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 134, No. 5364 (November 1986), p. 788 ====Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939 (1985)==== :<small>'Long-Term Industrial Performance in the UK: The Role of Education and Research, 1850–1939', in Derek Morris (ed.), ''The Economic System in the UK: Third Edition'' (1985)</small> *Industrialisation in Britain had been a "bottom-upwards" grass-roots transformation brought about by the initiative of the individual "practical man", and without benefit of state guidance or intervention. This was in accordance with British political and commercial attitudes already deeply ingrained by the time that the [[Industrial Revolution]] got under way. For the British had come to prize [[individualism]] and localism, as against a strong and effective state, which they saw as the essential feature of the European despotisms they feared and hated... This traditional British dislike of the state was sharpened and given fresh doctrinal justification during the Industrial Revolution by the ''[[laissez-faire]]'' political economists, ''laissez-faire'' becoming, by 1850, a universal article of political faith. Even with regard to education, all must be left to private enterprise or private charity. In any case, it was thought, state intervention in education could lead towards tyranny. A national education system devised and directed by the state was therefore unthinkable. **pp. 672-673 *The approach of European countries to industrialisation and the role of education was different from Britain's from the start, and it sprang from a fundamentally different concept of the role of the state itself. Even in the pre- or post-industrial area of the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries, European monarchies had regarded it as their function to promote commercial and industrial progress by interventionist measures, including the setting up of training schools for particular crafts and professions. With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, it became entirely natural for European governments to follow their older traditions and seek to guide and foster their countries' industrialisation. In particular they saw that the state alone could bring about a structure of national education at all levels which would feed industry with well-educated and trained personnel. **pp. 673-674 *The European states, and above all [[w:German Empire|Germany]] (newly [[w:Unification of Germany|united]] in 1871), therefore entered the [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|second Industrial Revolution]], that of science-based industries like chemicals and electrical goods, very well equipped by education, training, and research systems to take the lead. Britain, on the other hand, could only deploy a sorry militia of the ignorant led by the "practical man". Not merely did Britain lack a modern educational and research structure, it lacked the necessary national understanding and will to create one. Here then is the leitmotiv in British education for the next sixty years: the painful effort against the very grain of national prejudices to remedy what was already by 1870 a half-century of backlog. **p. 675 *[L]ate-Victorian [[w:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] positively harmed the prospects of the British economy by completing the work of the [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public schools]] in turning out a governing élite imbued with [[John Henry Newman|Newmanian]] ideals of a [[w:Liberal education|liberal education]] in humanistic culture; an élite which both generally and in particular cases...neglected or even hamstrung developments in [[w:Vocational education|technical education]]. **p. 680 *In 1890 there were still twice as many academic chemists in Germany as in Britain, though the British population was three-quarters of the German figure. In 1892 Britain had 287 academic staff in mathematics, science, and engineering compared with 452 in Germany. In engineering in particular the major German technical high schools had 7,130 students in 1901 against a total of 1,443 in British universities. In terms of overall university provision, Britain spent £26,000 in governments grants in 1897, while Germany spent £476,000; in 1902 Germany had 22 universities for a population of 50 million, England and Wales 7 for 31 million.<br>And...British industry still lagged badly in advanced industries like chemicals, electricals, and machine tools, and even in basics like steel—partly because of a continuing lack of trained personnel at all levels (the "practical man" still failing to recruit enough of them). Britain's annual rate of growth in the years 1880–1900 averaged 1.7 per cent against Germany's 5.3 per cent and America's 4.5 per cent. Britain's own rate of growth in industrial production was also declining—from 33 per cent in the decade of the 1860s to 24 per cent in the 1890s and 9 per cent in the 1900s. **p. 681 *The [[w:Education Act 1902|1902 Act]] led to a major expansion in secondary education, so that by 1914 there were 1,123 such schools, of which 500 were directly run by the local authorities while the remainder was denominational. Unfortunately, the prestige of a "[[w:Grammar school|grammar school]]" education, itself derived from the [[Thomas Arnold|Arnoldian]] [[w:Public school (United Kingdom)|public school]], with its emphasis on the academic approach to both the arts and science, impressed itself on parents, local authorities, and the Board of Education alike, so excluding a system of alternative secondary education of equal standing, like the German ''[[w:Realschule|Realschule]]'', more related to Britain's existence as a commercial and technical power. **p. 683 ====''The Audit of War'' (1986)==== *It is impossible to exaggerate the long-term consequences, social and psychological, of the experiences of the new industrial workforce in the raw factory settlements of the late Georgian and early Victorian England under conditions of ferocious competition and unbridled exploitation. It was in that era, when men, women and children were flooding into these settlements from the countryside and exchanging the slow, natural rhythms of the land or self-employed crafts (however hard that life might have been) for the harsh mechanical discipline and the pace and clamour of the mill, exchanging the village for the back-to-back terrace, that the British industrial working class, with its peculiar and enduring character as a culture apart, an alienated group often embittered and hostile, was created. It happened that water power and coal and iron largely existed in the bleak, wild landscapes of [[w:Northern England|northern England]], [[w:South Wales|South Wales]] and [[w:Scottish Lowlands|lowland Scotland]] – regions hitherto lacking the numerous population and rich civilisation of the south; indeed regions traditionally turbulent and remote from the government of the Crown since the middle ages. Rare it was for the new factory settlements to cluster round an established city, as later would German industries develop round [[w:Leipzig|Leipzig]] and [[Dresden]], [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]] and [[Cologne]]: instead villages like [[w:Manchester|Manchester]], [[w:Birmingham|Birmingham]], [[w:Leeds|Leeds]], [[w:Huddersfield|Huddersfield]], [[w:Bradford|Bradford]], [[w:Halifax|Halifax]], [[w:Middlesbrough|Middlesbrough]] proliferated into vast brick-built industrial camps; nothing but mean dwellings, drink-shops and "works". **p. 188 *Except in rare cases such as [[Robert Owen]]'s paternalistic management at [[w:New Lanark|New Lanark]], the brutality of indoctrination into the life of a [[w:Coolie|coolie]] in a vast camp for coolies, performing coolie work in service to machines, was unsoftened by positive care and control by the state. Not until the great uprooting and resettlement had been largely completed did Parliament belatedly begin to mitigate the squalor, chaos and exploitation by reforms in local government and public health, and by regulating working conditions by successive [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]... This was the environment, then, which moulded the character of the new British working class: a home life in a mean brick hovel without piped water in an unpaved street with open drains, much like the townships in which the [[w:Bantu peoples of South Africa|Bantu]] coolies of South Africa still live today; a working life at the mercy of a "practical-man" master who believed that the profitability of his business depended on low wages and long hours. It was, after all, from the study of the ''British'' working class that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] principally derived their conception of the [[w:Marx's theory of alienation|alienated]] proletariat. **p. 189 *[W]hereas American workers during the industrialisation of the [[United States]] after 1850 never accepted they were permanent members of a coolie class, but believed instead that, true to the [[w:American Dream|American myth]], they were merely passing through on their way to prosperous middle-class status, British "coolies" came to accept that working-class they were, and working-class they and their children would always remain; and proud of it. In [[w:Richard Hoggart|Hoggart]]'s judgement in 1957, "Most working-class people are not climbing; they do not quarrel with their general level; they only want the little more that allows a few frills." In fact it was an aspect of their conformism that social ambition was positively discouraged as "giving y'self airs", quite apart from an individual's fear anyway of becoming isolated from social roots and family. It is apparent that none of these lasting characteristics, beliefs and attitudes of the British urban working class make for maximum industrial productivity or for maximum speed in adapting to new technologies; indeed the very opposite. Was it not the boss's factory, the boss's product, the boss's market and the boss's profit; and in the boss's interest to bring in new machines? Did not the boss exact – or try to exact – the most work for the least wage? It followed that the worker's only connection with the productive process was to fight the boss as best he could through [[trade union]]s or through simple [[w:Slacker|skiving]], in order to do as little for as much money as possible; or to protect his job or craft by [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. So deeply ingrained in the worker was this sense that the productive process, let alone success in the market, was no responsibility of his that it determined his actions even in the midst of the Second World War. **pp. 190-191 ===1990s=== *[T]here is in Britain a very strong idealistic lobby which reproduces itself down the generations. Their ideals, their hopes and their morals are of course absolutely impeccable. But the question is the practicality and the consequences. Certain aspects of morality may be sound in themselves but hopelessly inappropriate when made the basis for decision-making in international relations. One has to see the world as it really is, to see the realities of power, the realities of leverage and of course the realities of your own interests. **Interview with Richard English and Michael Kenny in Cambridge (16 July 1996), quoted in Richard English and Michael Kenny (eds.), ''Rethinking British Decline'' (1999), p. 43 *[A]s [[Karl Marx|Marx]], [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] perceived, the basic concept of war as a continuation of politics by other means can be applied to any form of rivalry between human groups, be they class, racial or ideological. In these contexts "war", or the use of force to compel an opponent to fulfil one's will, has far broader meanings than a traditional punch-up between nation states or alliances, or the kind of "absolute" or [[w:Total war|"total" war]] which [[Carl von Clausewitz|Clausewitz]] saw as conceptually the purest form and which we have witnessed twice this century. Thus we saw anti-nuclear protesters employ force at military installations in pursuit of the political aim of persuading Western governments into unilateral nuclear disarmament. We saw [[w:Greenpeace|Greenpeace]] employ force against [[w:Shell plc|Shell plc]] over the disposal of the [[w:Brent Spar|Brent Spar]] platform. We saw [[Arthur Scargill]]'s troops attempt by coercion to bring down an elected government, only to be defeated in, quite literally, pitched battles. We may note in these encounters and, for that matter, in the street brawls during the [[w:1998 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], another fundamental factor that is unlikely to change in the future – the dark well of aggressiveness that lies within human nature and finds release in the pleasurable adrenalin surge that comes from violence, risk and danger. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *It is [[Northern Ireland]] that provides the classic contemporary demonstration of Clausewitzian principles in action. In 1974 the Ulster Protestants rejected [[w:Consociationalism|powersharing]] under the 1973 [[w:Sunningdale Agreement|Sunningdale agreement]] to the point of launching a [[w:Ulster Workers' Council strike|general strike]] which the British army warned the British government it could not handle. The government thereupon abandoned the project. But in 1998 the majority of Unionist political parties and at least half the Unionist electorate have come to accept power-sharing under [[w:Good Friday Agreement|the deal]] brokered by [[w:Mo Mowlam|Mo Mowlam]]. Wherein lies the essential difference between 1973–74 and 1998? It lies in the profound yearning on the island of [[Ireland]] and on the British mainland (including Whitehall and Westminster) for "peace" after the intervening 25 years of unrelenting "war" on the part of the [[w:Provisional Irish Republican Army|IRA]], years of violence of the most extreme kind intended (to quote Clausewitz) "to compel our opponent to fulfil our will". Thus all the talk of compromise and reconciliation in Northern Ireland is just so much small-l liberal blather disguising the Clausewitzian reality that by their "continuation of politics by other means" the IRA have indeed compelled their opponents to fulfil their will. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) *That Clausewitz lives, and will live, is equally shown in such cases as the former [[Yugoslavia]], where [[NATO|Nato]] has simply frozen a war which will certainly break out again if and when the intervention forces leave; or [[w:Israeli–Palestinian conflict|Israel–Palestine]], where the political relations between Jew and Arab reflect the military outcome of past wars, where the conflict of interest is essentially irreconcilable, and where therefore policy and violence will continue to go hand in hand.<br>What may therefore be safely predicted is that over the next 170 years the world will continue to be an arena of complex rivalries and direct collisions of interest rather than a "world order" or a "world community", and that human groups engaged in such rivalries will from time to time resort to force as an instrument of their politics. What weapons will be then available, and what tactics will consequently be employed, only a fool would pretend to guess. It will be remarked that so far I have not mentioned the [[United Nations|United Nations Organisation]], that expensive figment of liberal wishful thinking. I have done so now. **'Home front, front line', ''The Spectator'' (4 July 1998) ====''Engage the Enemy More Closely: The Royal Navy in the Second World War'' (1991; 1992)==== *It must be left to [[w:Andrew Cunningham, 1st Viscount Cunningham of Hyndhope|Cunningham]] himself to sum up the success of "Operation Judgment": "[[w:Battle of Taranto|Taranto]], and the night of November 11th–12th, 1940, should be remembered for ever as having shown once and for all that in the [[w:Fleet Air Arm|Fleet Air Arm]] the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] has its most devastating weapon. In a total flying time of about six and a half hours – carrier to carrier – twenty aircraft had inflicted more damage upon the Italian fleet than was inflicted upon the German [[w:High Seas Fleet|High Seas Fleet]] in the daylight action at the [[w:Battle of Jutland|Battle of Jutland]]". Taranto indeed marked the dethronement of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] as the arbiter of seapower after four centuries, and the opening of a new era of naval warfare. **p. 249 *How then was the [[w:Admiralty (United Kingdom)|Admiralty]] to find a fleet for [[w:Singapore Naval Base|Singapore]], as had been repeatedly promised (though with waning conviction) to [[Australia]] and [[New Zealand]] before and since the outbreak of war with Germany and Italy? It went far deeper than a mere question of naval strategy and deployment. As [[w:Samuel Hoare, 1st Viscount Templewood|Sir Samuel Hoare]], the then [[w:First Lord of the Admiralty|First Lord of the Admiralty]], had remarked to the [[w:1937 Imperial Conference|1937 Imperial Conference]], "the very existence of the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|British Commonwealth]] as now constituted" rested on the ability of Britain to send a battlefleet to Singapore. But this in turn posed an even more profound question about Britain's very own existence as the centre of this oceanic empire, the immediate practical implications of which were so starkly confronting her leaders in the summer and autumn of 1941. For in retrospect it can be seen that it was an illusion for the British to believe that the Commonwealth and the [[British Empire|Empire]] made Britain a great world power. Rather the strategic and economic balance sheet in 1941 demonstrates that the Commonwealth and Empire (with the notable exception of Canada and perhaps South Africa) were not an asset, but a net drain on Britain's strength; a predicament. For the imperial pink splashed across the map of the world in British atlases did not represent strength, as the British romantically believed, but one of the most outstanding examples of strategic overstretch in history. **p. 382 *In late January 1941...formal staff conversations were held in Washington at which the British delegation pressed again the key importance (as they saw it) of Singapore, and urged that America should base there as strong a detachment of her Pacific Fleet (including battleships) as possible. An American battlefleet to Singapore! It was a solution to the imperial dilemma that would have astonished and dismayed [[w:David Beatty, 1st Earl Beatty|Beatty]] and [[w:Leo Amery|Amery]]. It marked a tacit acknowledgment that after two decades Britain's imperial bluff had at last been called by events; and that she had reached the point of bankruptcy in terms of world maritime power. **p. 386 *Britain in particular was again paying the penalty for a hundred years of [[Free trade|Free Trade]] policy. This had rendered her dependent on enormous quantities of imported foodstuffs (to the [[w:Great Depression of British Agriculture|ruin of British agriculture]], only now being once more resuscitated in wartime by emergency measures). Free Trade had also reduced her general economic and industrial self-sufficiency by exposing her home market to massive imports of foreign technology, all of it paid for in peacetime by British exports (now reduced to only a third of the peacetime figure) or by income from foreign investments (now all liquidated). In the Victorian era this national dependence on a high volume of seaborne imports and exports had seemed the formula for unexampled prosperity. Now, in the crisis of a world war, it constituted, as in 1914–18, a strategic vulnerability that menaced the country's very survival. **pp. 575-576 *A navy is no more than the armour and the weapons-system of seapower. The hull, providing essential buoyancy, is the national wealth. The propulsion is commercial and industrial success, which creates the national wealth. By the end of the Second German War in May 1945 British national wealth, once the greatest in the world, had given way to bankruptcy, with overseas debts exceeding reserves of gold and foreign currency by nearly fifteen times. Whereas in 1870 Britain's foreign trade had nearly equalled that of France, Germany and the United States put together, in 1945 her export trade had collapsed to less than one-third of the 1939 level, and her visible exports could finance no more than one-tenth of her overseas requirements. Worse still, the British industrial machine, once the envied model for the rest of the world, had been revealed by the war to the government, though not to the British people at large, as out-of-date in equipment, methods and attitudes; crippled by poor management and obstructive workforces; and weak in advanced technologies. All this was especially true of shipbuilding. **p. 880 ====''The Lost Victory: British Dreams, British Realities 1945–1950'' (1995)==== *Noble though the wartime aspirations of the liberal Establishment might be, New Jerusalem nevertheless constituted – just like the postwar illusion of Britain as a present and future world and [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]] power, or the pre-war faith in the [[League of Nations]] as a preserver of world law and order – a piece of romantic fantasising, rather like some gigantic palace in an engraving by [[w:Giovanni Battista Piranesi|Piranesi]]. And just as Piranse's imagination defied the laws of physics and geometry, so did the dreamers of New Jerusalem disregard the real-life problem of funding its construction out of what was now a bankrupt and backward industrial economy instead of the richest in the world that it had been in their youth. **p. 128 *In his 1982 book ''On Britain'', that Anglophile German, [[w:Ralf Dahrendorf|Ralf Dahrendorf]], was to opine that Britons lacked that urge for material achievement which drove his fellow countrymen... The [[w:Lawson Boom|consumer boom of the mid-1980s]], when the British were to rush to the household super-stores to stuff their houses with new furnishings and electrical kit of every kind (most of it imported), might seem to prove Dahrendorf wrong. Yet in fact this spending was to be mostly done with borrowed money, thanks to the ballooning, soon punctured, of property values. It did not represent the fruits of extra effort and careful saving, as had the German "middle-class" lifestyle to which Dahrendorf referred and which constituted the outward manifestation of a genuine economic miracle. Even after undergoing [[Margaret Thatcher]]'s strident sermons on the "enterprise culture" in the 1980s, most Britons (according to opinion polls) still aspired to be comfortable rather than rich – an aspiration which, even if morally admirable, hardly compares with greed as a psychological motor of economic growth. **pp. 176-177 *That idealism was of course shared by the whole Cabinet, including its chapel-bred working-class members. All their adult lives the vision of New Jerusalem had inspired them to struggle through the sloughs of committee work and along the stony paths of electioneering. However, in the expectation of coming to power in a rich imperial Britain, they had always assumed that they would build New Jerusalem by the simple method of redistributing wealth from the ''rentier'' class to the working masses. Now, in Government, they found themselves in a plight to which a lifetime's assumptions were quite inappropriate, for instead of redistributing wealth they were faced with the urgent and immensely more difficult task of creating it. Their problem in adjusting their minds to this sordid need was shared by the small-'l' liberal Establishment as a whole, especially in the opinion-forming intelligentsia, as [[w:Noel Annan, Baron Annan|Lord Annan]] acknowledges in his book ''Our Age'': "Unfortunately we were more concerned with how wealth should be shared than produced." **p. 182 *In the 1960s and 1970s British folk-wisdom cherished (perhaps still cherishes) a comfortable explanation for Britain's relative economic decline since the Second World War, and especially her then all too evident industrial backwardness compared with [[w:West Germany|West Germany]]. West Germany, so the story goes, had all her industries and transport system bombed flat during the war, and then, thanks to [[w:Marshall Plan|Marshall Aid]], was able to completely rebuild them with the most up-to-date equipment. Meanwhile poor old Britain had to struggle on with worn-out or obsolete kit.<br>This favourite British "wooden leg" excuse is pure myth. In the first place, West German industrial capacity in 1948 stood at 90 per cent of 1936 despite wartime bombing and postwar reparations. Secondly, Britain in fact received a third more Marshall Aid than West Germany – $2.7 billion net as against Germany's $1.7 billion. She indeed pocketed the largest share of any European nation. **p. 365 *The truth is that the [[w:Attlee ministry|Labour Government]], advised by its resident economic pundits, freely chose ''not'' to make the re-equipping of Britain as an industrial society the ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' of her use of Marshall Aid. Instead, the Government saw Marshall Aid (like the [[w:Anglo-American loan|American loan]] of 1945) primarily as a wad of greenbacks stuffed by a kindly Uncle Sam into the breeches pocket of a nearly bankrupt John Bull who, though diligently seeking future solvency, nevertheless still wished in the meantime to go on playing the squire, beneficent to his family and the poor, and grand among the neighbours. **p. 365 ====The Audit of the Great War on British Technology (1999)==== :<small>'The Audit of the Great War on British Technology', in Jean-Pierre Dormois and Michael Dintenfass (eds.), ''The British Industrial Decline'' (1999)</small> *In the twentieth century the capability of a nation's armed forces cannot be separated from that nation's technological capability and industrial resources, or even social fabric. This realisation led me...to the concept of "total strategy", defined...as strategy conceived as encompassing ''all'' the factors relevant to preserving, or extending, the power and prosperity of a human group in the face of rivalry from other groups... It will be seen that "total strategy" provides a different approach from that of the economic historian, and especially an economic historian in the Anglo-Saxon [[Adam Smith|Adam-Smithian]] free-market tradition. **p. 103 *Since the [[World War I|Great War]] was an artillery war, shells for field and medium guns stood at the top of the list. But that list also included motor transport, aircraft and aero-engines, small arms and ammunition, telecommunications kit, drugs, and later, tanks and poison gas. It was here that "the audit of war" (to coin a phrase) in 1914–1916 showed up the British industrial system as widely inadequate or obsolescent... To take the basic industrial sinew, British steel production in 1910 was little more than half the German total... According to the ''History of the Ministry of Munitions'': "British manufacturers were behind other countries in research, plant and method. Many of the iron and steel firms were working on a small scale, old systems and uneconomic plant, their cost of production being so high that competition with the steel works of the United States and Germany was becoming impossible". In fact, this history draws the conclusion that in 1914–1916, "it was only the ability of the Allies to import shell and shell steel from neutral America...that averted the decisive victory of the enemy". More than 50 per cent of shells fired off in the [[w:Battle of the Somme|Battle of the Somme]] in 1916 were American and Canadian. **p. 106 *Machine-tools, ball-bearings, magnetos, internal combustion engines, drugs – it is hard to name a basic necessity of advanced technology in which Britain was self-sufficient in 1915... Thus the audit rendered by the first two years of the war on Britain's own capabilities in newer technologies proved harsh enough. Nonetheless, economic historians might object that Britain's Victorian and Edwardian "total strategy" actually served her well enough in wartime. Thanks to her accumulated wealth and her credit as the centre of a global [[free trade]] economy and thanks also to British seapower, she could buy in all the technological imports that she needed – largely from North America. But there are two snags here. First, wealth and credit are wasting assets when spent, while the spending only serves to profit other countries' manufacturers and build up their industries. In contrast, up-to-date export industries of your own are long-term earners. Secondly, the high degree to which free trade had rendered Britain dependent on imports of food and raw materials actually brought her near to complete national defeat in 1917 at the hands of the U-boat... Moreover, even though the U-boat was narrowly beaten, Britain had to devote immense naval resources to the merely defensive purpose of keeping open her sea lifelines. This pattern was to be repeated in the [[World War II|Second World War]]. **p. 108 *[[Richard Cobden|Cobden]] in his boundless mid-Victorian optimism about [[free trade]] could no more have imagined such a plight than [[Adam Smith]] could have imagined refrigerated cargo ships bringing meat from the New World to undercut British livestock farmers. Perhaps their intellectual descendants today are at times too preoccupied with peacetime world trade and the advantages of economic specialisation between nations, to the neglect of the total-strategic implications in wartime of such specialisation. But at least Adam Smith himself recognised that, in his words, "defence, however, is of much greater importance than opulence". **p. 108 *The audit of the Great War showed up widespread human weaknesses in British industry. Too many British capitalists in their boardrooms were simply self-trained "practical men" smugly content with old products, old equipment and old markets, guided by a concern for short-term profits rather than for the long-term development of their businesses. The [[trade union]]s...were resolutely resistant to new technology, while also holding back productivity by a maze of demarcations and [[w:Restrictive practices|restrictive practices]]. **p. 108 *The urgent challenge of winning a [[w:Total war|total war]] against so formidable an enemy as Germany, indeed the peril of national defeat, jolted Britain as an industrial society far more effectively than mere peacetime world-market competition, to which she had failed to respond as she should have done according to [[w:Classical economics|classical economic ideas]]. A remarkable technological revolution began in Britain in 1915 and was consummated in 1918 – remarkable not only because of all the deficiencies that had got to be made good, but also because the revolution was accomplished under wartime conditions and at utmost speed. It is also noteworthy that it was masterminded by the ''government'', and that many of the new American-style factories were actually owned and operated by the state. **p. 109 *It hardly needs emphasising that this wartime technological revolution marked a complete departure from Victorian and Edwardian ''[[laissez-faire]]'' orthodoxy. Given time for consolidation and further development – probably under some form of [[w:Protectionism|protection]] such as fostered the growth of American, German and Japanese industry – Britain's wartime achievements might have served as the starting-point for a root-and-branch modernisation of Britain as an industrial society. Indeed, the 1918 report of the [[w:Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy|Committee on Commercial and Industrial Policy]] virtually recommended this.<br>More fundamentally still, the wartime revolution could have served as the prototype for a new British "total strategy", based on Britain's own technological strength: in other words, the German and Japanese version of capitalism, a partnership between state and industry, rather than the [[w:Anglo-Saxon model|Anglo-Saxon version]]. But instead Britain tried after the war to revert to her Victorian and Edwardian total strategy based on ''laissez-faire'', the [[w:City of London|City of London]], the [[w:Gold standard|gold-standard]] pound sterling and the [[British Empire|Empire]] – with consequences which would only be fully revealed when the Second World War submitted Britain to yet another audit of industrial capability. **p. 112 ===2000s=== *On the basis of legal advice sketchy enough to be put on one side of a sheet of A4, and from a single lawyer who was also a cabinet minister, [[Tony Blair|Blair]] finally took Britain to [[w:Iraq War|war]] against a country which posed no threat at all to British interests, let alone to the United Kingdom itself.<br>There can be no sterner test of a national leader's soundness of judgement than when he has to decide between peace and war. And there can be no sterner test of his probity than his choice of the means of persuading his countrymen to back him. Both these tests Tony Blair has unquestionably failed. As a result, he stands convicted of being wholly unworthy of our trust. This is the central fact of this [[w:2005 United Kingdom general election|election]], and we should vote accordingly. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/correlli-barnett-we-need-no-more-evidence-that-blair-is-unworthy-of-our-trust-501951.html We need no more evidence that Blair is unworthy of our trust]', ''The Independent'' (24 April 2005) *Ever since the war we had lived in a form of state socialism with tremendous controls and regulations over economic and social life. I can remember when you couldn't even buy a house abroad without special permission from the Bank of England. People who think the pre-[[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] years were a golden age really didn't live through them: just ask anyone who rode on the clapped-out railways or tried to make a telephone call when the Post Office ran the phones.<br>When she came to power she transformed the country. The moribund industries relying on taxpayer funding – all gone. The trade unions – all gone. She abolished exchange controls, completely liquidated the state sector of industry and threw the economy wide open.<br>It's certainly true that she was so powerful a person that cabinet government in the collegiate sense began to diminish. More and more they were like a collection of staff officers around the general. [[Tony Blair|Blair]] has taken that further and deliberately adopted a presidential style in every possible way. The main difference was that she had genuine feeling, conviction and leadership. In my view, during the last eight years, Blair has proved a very plausible conman who promises much but hasn't achieved it. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/thatcher-at-80-what-does-she-mean-to-you-319145.html Thatcher at 80: What does she mean to you?]', ''The Independent'' (13 October 2005) *I am dismayed by the [[w:Royal Society of Arts|RSA]]'s change of institutional ''[[w:Schwerpunkt|Schwerpunkt]]'' from hardnosed concern with education and training for personal and national capability to generalised small ‘l’ liberal do-goodery, or, in the words of your chief executive, the driving of "social progress". While we waste time and effort on this right-on idealism, poor old Britain is confronting ever tougher competition from old rivals like Europe and North America, and new ones like India and China. You would hardly guess from the contents of your Journal that it is a ruthlessly hard world out there, and getting harder every decade. **'Fellowship', ''RSA Journal'', Vol. 154, No. 5533 (Spring 2008), p. 14 ====''The Verdict of Peace: Britain Between Her Yesterday and the Future'' (2001)==== *Between 1946 and 1950, the most desperate period of the post-war export campaign and of national dependence on American loans and handouts, there were sixteen major strikes in British docks, cumulatively involving nearly 137,000 workers and losing a total of over 1,000,000 worker-days. Between 1950 and 1955...the dockers were out eighteen times playing the big matches and 168 times in instant and short-lived kick-abouts. The big matches drew onto the pitch a cumulative total of nearly 155,000 players, costing nearly 2,000,000 worker-days.<br>But mere statistics cannot properly record the ramifying harm inflicted on British industry and commerce by these repeated blockades. For they meant export delivery dates missed and foreign customers infuriated; factories held up for want of raw materials and equipment from abroad; wholesalers and retailers running out of imported foodstuffs; transport to and from afflicted ports backing up in standstill and confusion; telegrams and telephone calls crowding an out-of-date and already overloaded telecommunications net as victims of the blockades tried to sort out their troubles; and an immense waste of time and effort by ministers and civil servants in attempting to deal with the strikes and their immediate impact. More insidious still was the moral harm done to Britain at home and abroad by such spectacular mutinies, further helping to convey the impression of a nation without disciplined purpose, and instead blindly intent on self-mutilation. **pp. 253-254 *Between 1950 and 1952 the volume of British exports fell by 5 per cent (rearmament again), while German exports rose by over 50 per cent and American exports by about 20 per cent. In just those two years Britain's share of world trade in manufactures dropped from 26 per cent to 22 per cent. By the end of 1954 it was down to just over 20 per cent. In 1955 American exports of manufactured goods rose by about 9 per cent by value, Germany's by 18 per cent, Japan's by 27 per cent – and Britain's by 7 per cent. **p. 270 *In May 1956...a working party of officials submitted a report on "German Competition with particular reference to the Engineering Industries". It made grim reading. Between 1953 and 1954 German exports rose by 40 per cent in volume and her share of world trade in manufactures rose from 13.3 per cent to 15.6 per cent, whereas Britain's share fell from 25.5 per cent to 19.8 per cent. In those same years output per man in manufacturing "improved almost twice as much in Germany as in the United Kingdom". **p. 398 *For [[w:Full employment|full employment]] also execrated a by-product highly poisonous to the health of the nation's economy as a whole: the so-called "wage-price" spiral of [[inflation]]. This weakened the cost-competitiveness of British exports, so in turn menacing the balance of payments, the international standing of the pound, the survival of the Sterling Area, and ultimately the grandiose but wobbly facade of Britain as a world power. Moreover, even full employment's comforting warm milk of abundant pay-packets and easy profits only served to render the British economy at home fat and flabby, so that even dud companies (especially in older technologies) found it easy to keep bumbling along. **p. 428 ===2010s=== *As I can remember, as a schoolboy in south London, there was no dismay among my family and their friends at the sight of contorted vapour trails high over us as [[w:RAF Fighter Command|Fighter Command]] and the [[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]] fought it out in the blue summer sky – only a sense of excitement. Looking back now as a historian, it is clear to me that in 1940 the British nation was blessed by an inner certainty that, just as the [[w:Royal Navy|Navy]] had seen off [[Philip II of Spain]] in 1588 and [[w:Napoleon bonapate|Napoleon]] in 1805, so now the [[w:Royal Air Force|Royal Air Force]] and the Navy together would see off that funny little man with the toothbrush moustache and his fat chum in the gawdy uniform covered in medals. In that certainty, there was truly an element of the heroic. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) *[I]t was the young pilots of Fighter Command who passed into British myth as "[[w:The Few|The Few]]" who outfought vast German airfleets. Today, 70 years on, we can acknowledge that the young men in the [[w:Messerschmitt Bf 109|Messerschmitts]] were just as gallant, high-spirited and skilful. But whereas the German pilots were fighting for a hideous tyrant in the delusion that they were patriotically defending the Fatherland, the pilots of Fighter Command were modern-day [[w:Sparta|Spartans]], holding the pass for the free world against the barbarian. They included volunteers from the British Dominions overseas, from countries under Nazi occupation such as Czechoslovakia and Poland, and even a handful from neutral America. **'[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/v-for-victory-the-day-the-battle-of-britain-was-won-2077139.html V for Victory: The day the Battle of Britain was won]', ''The Independent'' (12 September 2010) ==Quotes about Correlli Barnett== *Barnett is no [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherite]]: he does not suppose that a return to [[laissez-faire]] in 1945 would have wrought an economic miracle. On the contrary, he believes the Churchill coalition ought to have developed a coherent industrial strategy... Barnett is a joyful debunker of patriotic myth, but not, of course, from a left-wing standpoint. He is probably the only modern British historian whose creed is [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarckian]] [[nationalism]]. His admiration for the German nation-state, through every stage of its development from 1870 to the present day, is the most prominent theme in the book. There are glowing passages, which make one pause, on the productivity of German industry under the Nazis. No trade-union agitators there, no socialists or liberal softies putting a spanner in the works! The occasional admiring references to the United States do little to modify the teutonic feel of the book. Barnett is, in fact, the heir of Sir [[John Robert Seeley|John Seeley]], the Late Victorian prophet of a federal British Empire, whose admiration for [[w:Kingdom of Prussia|Prussia]] led him to the conviction that Britain must develop along the same lines or perish as a great power. **[[w:Paul Addison|Paul Addison]], '[https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v08/n13/paul-addison/warfare-and-welfare Warfare and Welfare]', ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 8, No. 13 (24 July 1986) *Depressed, shaken by Correlli Barnett's ''The Collapse of British Power''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (25 August 1972), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Politics, 1972–1982'', ed. Ion Trewin (2000), p. 11 *On the return flight...the PM <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Margaret Thatcher]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> invited me to sit at her table... I was interested and gratified to hear her pass a comment showing that she had read ''The Audit of War''. **[[Alan Clark]], diary entry (17 October 1988), quoted in Alan Clark, ''Diaries: Into Power, 1983–1992'' (1993; 2003), p. 232 *Correlli Barnett was another reputable author whose work was pilfered. "I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter", [[Keith Joseph|Keith Joseph]] affirmed in his 1987 interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]]. In his follow-up question Seldon qualified this: "You are ''partly'' a Correlli Barnett man". This showed that the interviewer, at least, had read Barnett's work carefully. In a series of scholarly books and articles Barnett argued that Britain's economic decline could be traced back to an anti-business culture whose foundations were laid by an education system which had been shaped by the model of the public school. Joseph was living evidence that Barnett's theory did not invariably hold good, and indeed some of his detailed points have been criticised. There was a further problem in that Barnett was in no sense an [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberal]]; the state, he felt, had not intervened enough in industry. But these minor details did not deter Joseph. Barnett had written that British power collapsed because of a pervasive anti-business culture, and for Joseph that was quite enough to make the historian "one of us". Barnett recognised the differences of principle which Joseph overlooked, but the connection proved useful to him in the 1980s, when Sir Keith and [[w:David Young, Baron Young of Graffham|Lord Young]] encouraged him to put his ideas on vocational training into practice. **Andrew Denham and [[w:Mark Garnett|Mark Garnett]], ''Keith Joseph'' (2001; 2002), pp. 300-301 *[T]here has been widespread reaction, partly ideological, partly based simply on scrutiny of primary sources, against what [[w:David Cannadine|Cannadine]] has called the "welfare state triumphalism" of much post-Second World War British historiography. The ideological wing of this reaction—incapsulated ''par excellence'' in Correlli Barnett's ''The Audit of War'' (1986)—has questioned not the substance of the established view that the war precipitated the welfare state but its wider implications. Barnett takes direct issue with the [[w:Richard Titmuss|Titmuss]] approach by suggesting that the atmosphere of sentimental and uncritical moral solidarity induced by the war gave rise to wholly unrealistic, Utopian expectations of a post-war world (governed by deficit-finance, job security, comprehensive welfare and indifference to economic consequences) that led inexorably to Britain's post-war economic decline. **[[w:Jose Harris|Jose Harris]], 'War and Social History: Britain and the Home Front during the Second World War', ''Contemporary European History'', Vol. 1, No. 1 (Mar., 1992), p. 20 *Dr Correlli Barnett was the first scholar to point out the extent to which, by 1945, Britain had become totally dependent on the United States for its economic survival, let alone its military victory—a dependence that reduced it virtually to satellite status; but this dependence he attributed, rightly or wrongly, not to any mistaken policy pursued by the British government of the day, but to an entire culture that for half a century past had emphasized domestic welfare at the expense of military power. **[[w:Michael Howard (historian)|Michael Howard]], '1945-1995: reflections on half a century of British security policy', ''International Affairs (Royal Institute of International Affairs 1944-)'', Vol. 71, No. 4, Special RIIA 75th Anniversary Issue (Oct., 1995), p. 706 *It's easy with hindsight to see all those years before and after the war as wasted. I'm a Correlli Barnett supporter. I believe that managements, helped by trade unions and helped by governments, were not nearly effective enough. **[[Keith Joseph]], interview with [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]], quoted in Anthony Seldon, 'Escaping the chrysalis of statism', ''Contemporary Record'', 1:1 (Spring 1987), p. 27 *My main concern...was education standards... By early 1986 I had become even more convinced of the importance of this issue after reading Correlli Barnett's newly published book, ''The Audit of War'', which impressively documented the British educational failure stretching back into the last century, and linked it persuasively with the reasons for our disappointing economic performance over that period, with particularly ominous implications for the future. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), pp. 606-607 *Barnett is not giving a recipe for a free market and there is no mention of [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]]'s (1944) warning about the state in ''[[The Road to Serfdom]]''. What he appears to think ought to have happened can only be imagined on the basis of a much more powerful central direction, much less deferential to public opinion... The alternative implied here is that of [[Otto von Bismarck|Bismarck]]'s State, which so many British educational reformers admired, with a specific industrial policy and close involvement in the scientific, education, transport and energy infrastructure—the remit given to the state by [[Oswald Mosley]] in 1931 and which [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] and [[António de Oliveira Salazar|Salazar]] attempted to implement. Whether, even under such a regime, Britain could have remained competitive vis-à-vis the United States, Germany and Japan is unlikely; that the electorate would have stood for it, inconceivable. But the Bismarckian state kept the unions and the public in their places: and, Barnett implies, Britain's soft democratic system ought to share the blame with the utopian intellectuals. **[[w:Keith Middlemas|Keith Middlemas]], review of ''The Audit of War'' in the ''Journal of the Royal Society of Arts'', Vol. 135, No. 5371 (June 1987), pp. 533-534 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Barnett, Correlli}} [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:Historians from England]] 9jma8fil9siifzgxtnb4nmcnd5164ns 0 250121 3155574 2022-08-17T13:40:49Z A23423413 3125316 new wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Title of Wikipedia article on this person|Full Name]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a labor leader and feminist who played a leading role in the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW). Flynn was a founding member of the American Civil Liberties Union, Communist Party member, and a visible proponent of women's rights, birth control, and women's suffrage. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == Quotes about Elizabeth Gurley Flynn == == External links== {{wikipedia}} snozpzf6naeb1symqzbxgpob2raxhwc 3155575 3155574 2022-08-17T13:41:27Z A23423413 3125316 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a labor leader and feminist who played a leading role in the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW). Flynn was a Communist Party member, founding member of the American Civil Liberties Union, and a visible proponent of women's rights, birth control, and women's suffrage. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == Quotes about Elizabeth Gurley Flynn == == External links== {{wikipedia}} 6qn1xfjbyiudjzyurifoaov5b9z8b2i 3155576 3155575 2022-08-17T13:43:33Z A23423413 3125316 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a labor leader and feminist who played a leading role in the [[Industrial Workers of the World]] (IWW). Flynn was a Communist Party member, founding member of the American Civil Liberties Union, and a visible proponent of women's rights, birth control, and women's suffrage. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == Quotes about Elizabeth Gurley Flynn == == External links== {{wikipedia}} qdacyvsfz5r6f7fl5s6e0472y1txyrd 3155617 3155576 2022-08-17T19:41:45Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a [[w:labor leader|labor leader]], activist, and [[w:feminist|feminist]] who played a leading role in the [[w:Industrial Workers of the World|Industrial Workers of the World]] (IWW). Flynn was a founding member of the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|American Civil Liberties Union]] and a visible proponent of [[women's rights]], [[birth control]], and [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]]. She joined the [[w:Communist Party USA|Communist Party USA]] in 1936 and late in life, in 1961, became its chairwoman. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *Force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Flynn, Elizabeth Gurley}} rvyqebtu59lehhbdu3n7n4gfcfg529w 3155618 3155617 2022-08-17T19:45:38Z UDScott 4304 + 14 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a [[w:labor leader|labor leader]], activist, and [[w:feminist|feminist]] who played a leading role in the [[w:Industrial Workers of the World|Industrial Workers of the World]] (IWW). Flynn was a founding member of the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|American Civil Liberties Union]] and a visible proponent of [[women's rights]], [[birth control]], and [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]]. She joined the [[w:Communist Party USA|Communist Party USA]] in 1936 and late in life, in 1961, became its chairwoman. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *Force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Flynn, Elizabeth Gurley}} [[Category:Labor leaders]] [[Category:Labor activists]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Members of the Communist Party USA]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Communists from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1964 deaths]] 7jck3yghr6plsv2kbleuiyhyu95x6en 3155619 3155618 2022-08-17T19:46:55Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn point (cropped).jpg|thumb\Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]] '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a [[w:labor leader|labor leader]], activist, and [[w:feminist|feminist]] who played a leading role in the [[w:Industrial Workers of the World|Industrial Workers of the World]] (IWW). Flynn was a founding member of the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|American Civil Liberties Union]] and a visible proponent of [[women's rights]], [[birth control]], and [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]]. She joined the [[w:Communist Party USA|Communist Party USA]] in 1936 and late in life, in 1961, became its chairwoman. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *Force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Flynn, Elizabeth Gurley}} [[Category:Labor leaders]] [[Category:Labor activists]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Members of the Communist Party USA]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Communists from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1964 deaths]] or95gpn6pio3cl9go6b81hsdwrkbpfl 3155620 3155619 2022-08-17T19:47:05Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn point (cropped).jpg|thumb|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]] '''[[w:Elizabeth Gurley Flynn|Elizabeth Gurley Flynn]]''' (August 7, 1890 – September 5, 1964) was a [[w:labor leader|labor leader]], activist, and [[w:feminist|feminist]] who played a leading role in the [[w:Industrial Workers of the World|Industrial Workers of the World]] (IWW). Flynn was a founding member of the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|American Civil Liberties Union]] and a visible proponent of [[women's rights]], [[birth control]], and [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]]. She joined the [[w:Communist Party USA|Communist Party USA]] in 1936 and late in life, in 1961, became its chairwoman. == Quotes == === Speech in Court, charged under the Smith Act (1952)=== In ''Women at the Podium: Memorable Speeches in History'' edited by S. Michele Nix *I and none of my comrades are guilty of any conspiracy to advocate overthrow of the United States government by force and violence. Silence might be construed as defeatism when the truth is that I am so serene in our consciousness of innocence of any crimes, that I can be imprisoned but I cannot be corrected, reformed or changed. My body can be incarcerated but my thoughts will remain free and unaffected. All human history has demonstrated that ideas, thoughts, cannot be put in prison. They can only be met in the forum of public discussion. *The political, industrial and social conditions under capitalism which created our ideas remain. They will produce similar ideas in the minds of countless others and further strengthen them in ours. Never did prison affect resolute people who live and work and die if necessary by their ideas. We Communists are such people. I have faith in the ultimate justice of the American people once the fog of lies, hysteria, prejudice and, worst of all, fear is swept away. It is a terrible thing to see one's country in the grip of fear-needless, stupid, foolish fear; fear of imaginary enemies, fear of our allies and friends; fear of the accusing fingers of stool pigeons, fear of losing one's job or one's citizenship or one's place in a community. The whole governmental bureaucracy, wasting billions of dollars, boasting, bragging, bullying, is whistling in the dark of fear, trying to make the whole world afraid of us. *It is from a small handful of frightened rich that this contagion has spread the men of the trusts, who never loved their country more than their stocks and bonds, whose patriotism is always on a percentage basis, who would rule and exploit and use violence against not only their fellow countrymen but the human race. They would plunge the world into a sea of blood by atomic warfare in order to maintain their own mean and mercenary rule, their way of life, and foist it upon other people who want none of it. Great as the danger looms, I have faith that fascism will never come to pass in our country. I am proud of the role that our Party has played in signalizing that danger since 1935. *Somewhere and soon the Smith Act will go into the discard as did the Alien and Sedition Laws of 1800, the Fugitive Slave Laws of the sixties, the Criminal Syndicalist Laws of the 1920s. *The fog engulfing courtrooms, middle class juries and the press will lift among the masses of plain people, the ones who never get on federal juries because their appearance and manner doesn't satisfy a hard-boiled political appointee who splits his infinitives, doubles his negatives and toadies to the prosperous. *A people's movement is arising in our country like a strong, fresh prairie wind against repressive legislation, loyalty oaths, congressional investigations, witch-hunts, political trials and the like. *I asked you a question on Friday, Your Honor, which I now repeat: If the Communist Party is not illegal, its membership and officership is not illegal, if advocating socialism is not illegal, if advocating a day-to-day program of "good deeds," as the government cynically calls it, is not illegal, what in all conscience is illegal here? Of what are we guilty? *In all my long life. ... I never expected that I would go to jail for books, and not even whole books but scraps and pieces, and if I return to my normal life of the last forty-seven years, of working and speaking on unionism, democratic rights, the rights of the Negro people and of women, on peace and against fascism and war, and on socialism, what happens then, Your Honor? *Your Honor, all the material property I possess, as far as a fine is concerned, are books accumulated since I first bought a paper-covered copy of Tom Paine's Common Sense at the age of sixteen. They are good books-poetry, drama, history, political economy, fiction, philosophy, art, music, travel, literature. Marx and Engels are there beside Shakespeare, Shaw, Emerson, Hegel, Mark Twain; Lenin and Stalin are there beside Thoreau, Jefferson, the Beards, the Webbs, Hugo, Hardy and many others...There is force and violence on those shelves but not where the government looked for it. It is in Irish history-Connelly, O'Casey and others telling of the long and bloody struggle against British rule. It is in American labor history, in Colorado, West Virginia, Homestead, South Chicago and on the Embarcadero of San Francisco. It is in American history-the Revolution, the wars against the American Indians, the Civil War, the Spanish-American War. It is in the struggles of the Negro people. It is in the Bible, too-which is on my shelf, Your Honor-violence against the Jewish Tribes, and the old prophets, against Jesus and his Disciples, and the early Christian martyrs. *Force and violence come from the ruling class and not from the people. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Flynn, Elizabeth Gurley}} [[Category:Labor leaders]] [[Category:Labor activists]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Members of the Communist Party USA]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Communists from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1964 deaths]] ayg612m862uplqtqydn26me5jj4ger2 0 250122 3155677 2022-08-17T23:42:08Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] mbe806ewi2vtmko100txj7hfq5o78d0 3155691 3155677 2022-08-18T00:18:29Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Shea official photo.jpg|thumb|Nina Shea]] '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] 5s8bgwuxku3rkx3j3k3g4gjqqjj0sw2 3155693 3155691 2022-08-18T00:18:48Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Shea official photo.jpg|thumb|Nina Shea]] '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] ku0rwl4trs1yi9xbee9wug8x72qypm0 3155694 3155693 2022-08-18T00:19:08Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Human rights activists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Shea official photo.jpg|thumb|Nina Shea]] '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] gjfaqq3qh40dmijrzzx4dveus9fhb8d 3155695 3155694 2022-08-18T00:19:17Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Activists from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Shea official photo.jpg|thumb|Nina Shea]] '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] i6xal8yoajjl6u9zat01jdies9bgijk 3155696 3155695 2022-08-18T00:19:26Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:American women]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nina Shea official photo.jpg|thumb|Nina Shea]] '''[[w:Nina Shea|Nina Hope Shea]]''' (August 17, 1953 –) is an American international human rights lawyer and international Christian religious freedom advocate. == Quotes == * Living without freedom is so deeply corrosive not only to society but to the human spirit. In a certain sense, I am multi-cultural, but I am not culturally relative. ** [https://www.acton.org/rare-and-tenuous-freedom-interview-nina-shea A rare and tenuous freedom: An interview with Nina Shea (20 July 2010) ''Acton Institute ''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shea, Nina}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] qulnb5u8obty838py83zdvkf5kdrvy2 0 250123 3155690 2022-08-18T00:18:18Z 2601:240:E000:4470:50DF:39BA:54C4:9B35 Created page with "* (Rooster crowing in distance) * Leap: Howdy! (UK: Hi!/India: Hello!/Oceania: Hey there!) I'm Leap. This is my sister, Lily, and this is my little brother, Tad! * Lily: Hi. * * Tad: Hello! * * Leap: We're visiting the farm, and you can come too! We'd better get going. We've got lots to do! * * Edison: (whistles) (calling excitedly, off view): Hey! WAIT FOR ME!! * * Frog Children: (in unison, excitedly): EDISON!!! * * Edison: (happily): May I come, too? * * Frog..." wikitext text/x-wiki * (Rooster crowing in distance) * Leap: Howdy! (UK: Hi!/India: Hello!/Oceania: Hey there!) I'm Leap. This is my sister, Lily, and this is my little brother, Tad! * Lily: Hi. * * Tad: Hello! * * Leap: We're visiting the farm, and you can come too! We'd better get going. We've got lots to do! * * Edison: (whistles) (calling excitedly, off view): Hey! WAIT FOR ME!! * * Frog Children: (in unison, excitedly): EDISON!!! * * Edison: (happily): May I come, too? * * Frog Children: (in unison): Sure! * * Edison: Let's GO!! * * Edison: (enters the main menu the first time) Welcome to the farm! Let's explore! Ooh, and if you happen to find any seeds, you can feed (Alt: collect) them to the birds nta3e62bov2pjs1ajkewej01u7voplj 3155697 3155690 2022-08-18T00:19:41Z 2601:240:E000:4470:50DF:39BA:54C4:9B35 wikitext text/x-wiki * (Rooster crowing in distance) * Leap: Howdy! (UK: Hi!/India: Hello!/Australia: Hey there!/Canada: Good morning!) I'm Leap. This is my sister, Lily, and this is my little brother, Tad! * Lily: Hi. * * Tad: Hello! * * Leap: We're visiting the farm, and you can come too! We'd better get going. We've got lots to do! * * Edison: (whistles) (calling excitedly, off view): Hey! WAIT FOR ME!! * * Frog Children: (in unison, excitedly): EDISON!!! * * Edison: (happily): May I come, too? * * Frog Children: (in unison): Sure! * * Edison: Let's GO!! * * Edison: (enters the main menu the first time) Welcome to the farm! Let's explore! Ooh, and if you happen to find any seeds, you can feed (Alt: collect) them to the birds hc6dyztdfulrw6drfnl6si1xfboxnto 3155709 3155697 2022-08-18T00:51:36Z UDScott 4304 prod wikitext text/x-wiki ----{{dated prod|concern = Unmemorable quotes|month = August|day = 18|year = 2022|time = 00:51|timestamp = 20220818005134}} <!-- Do not use the "dated prod" template directly; the above line is generated by "subst:prod|reason" --> * (Rooster crowing in distance) * Leap: Howdy! (UK: Hi!/India: Hello!/Australia: Hey there!/Canada: Good morning!) I'm Leap. This is my sister, Lily, and this is my little brother, Tad! * Lily: Hi. * * Tad: Hello! * * Leap: We're visiting the farm, and you can come too! We'd better get going. We've got lots to do! * * Edison: (whistles) (calling excitedly, off view): Hey! WAIT FOR ME!! * * Frog Children: (in unison, excitedly): EDISON!!! * * Edison: (happily): May I come, too? * * Frog Children: (in unison): Sure! * * Edison: Let's GO!! * * Edison: (enters the main menu the first time) Welcome to the farm! Let's explore! Ooh, and if you happen to find any seeds, you can feed (Alt: collect) them to the birds tmub9hbgzo6tdvsn2m71i1jel2gq6ww 4 250124 3155698 2022-08-18T00:27:44Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->[[America]] has meant so much to so many because we are the best [[hope]] of [[freedom]] on [[earth]].<!-- Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. 'I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my children are. I grew up in Brazil. I know how fra..." wikitext text/x-wiki {| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->[[America]] has meant so much to so many because we are the best [[hope]] of [[freedom]] on [[earth]].<!-- Last week in Laramie, a gentleman came up to me with tears in his eyes. 'I'm not an American,' he said, 'But my children are. I grew up in Brazil. I know how fragile freedom is, and we must not lose it here.' A few days ago, here in Jackson, a woman told me that her grandparents had survived Auschwitz. They found refuge in America. She said she was afraid that she had nowhere to go if freedom died here. --> … Ladies and gentlemen, freedom must not and will not die here. <br /> We must be very clear-eyed about the threat we face and about what is required to defeat it. I have said [[2021 United States Capitol attack|since January 6]], that I will do whatever it takes to make sure [[Donald Trump]] is never again anywhere near [[President of the United States|the Oval Office]]. <br /> This is a fight for all of us together. I'm a [[conservative]] [[Republican]]. I [[believe]] deeply in the [[principles]] and the [[ideals]] on which my party was founded. I [[love]] its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love [[United States|my country]] more. <br /> So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us [[resolve]] that we will stand together — [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] and independents — against those who would destroy our [[republic]]. They are angry and they are determined, but they have not seen anything like the power of Americans [[united]] in defense of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] and committed to the cause of freedom. There is no greater power on this earth. And with [[God]]'s help, we will [[prevail]]. | author = Liz Cheney }} | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | [[File:Liz Cheney official 116th Congress portrait.jpg|292px]] |} doo290z4x6y283sr71ayqm5dwhclrk4 0 250127 3155722 2022-08-18T01:33:29Z Kalki 71 Redirected page to [[Honor]] wikitext text/x-wiki #Redirect [[Honor]] m5s8trdo4qb8x1wu05p3edq4ageblxs 1 250128 3155727 2022-08-18T01:46:04Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{{talkheader}} == undated anonymous statement about a political stance == {{user|Kalki}}: I moved this statement apparently about her position on late term abortions from the "Quotes about Cheney" section to here: It was and undated anonymous statement provided with only an undated dead link: * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are und..." wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} == undated anonymous statement about a political stance == {{user|Kalki}}: I moved this statement apparently about her position on late term abortions from the "Quotes about Cheney" section to here: It was and undated anonymous statement provided with only an undated dead link: * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are under attack by far-left advocates. She’s proud to be a co-sponsor of the Born-Alive Survivors Protection Act, and enthusiastically signed a discharge petition to bring this legislation to the House floor for an up-or-down vote. Babies who are born after failed [[abortion]] attempts deserve every possible protection, and those unwilling to support legislation to do that are endorsing a policy tantamount to infanticide. ** Anonymous statement declaring she signed onto a letter to the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies, but with [https://cheneyforwyoming.com/protecting-life/ a link no longer current to her campaign site] n0qlosd04zpubyuarvalzshcc86czao 3155728 3155727 2022-08-18T01:47:08Z Kalki 71 /* undated anonymous statement about a political stance */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} == undated anonymous statement about a political stance == <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:47, 18 August 2022 (UTC) : I moved this statement apparently about her position on late term abortions from the "Quotes about Cheney" section to here: It was and undated anonymous statement provided with only an undated dead link: * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are under attack by far-left advocates. She’s proud to be a co-sponsor of the Born-Alive Survivors Protection Act, and enthusiastically signed a discharge petition to bring this legislation to the House floor for an up-or-down vote. Babies who are born after failed [[abortion]] attempts deserve every possible protection, and those unwilling to support legislation to do that are endorsing a policy tantamount to infanticide. ** Anonymous statement declaring she signed onto a letter to the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies, but with [https://cheneyforwyoming.com/protecting-life/ a link no longer current to her campaign site] e96jz2iy7mek59v5omqtikfzr9n7zw5 3155729 3155728 2022-08-18T01:47:51Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} == undated anonymous statement about a political stance == <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 18 August 2022 (UTC) : I moved this statement apparently about her position on late term abortions from the "Quotes about Cheney" section to here: It was and undated anonymous statement provided with only an undated dead link: * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are under attack by far-left advocates. She’s proud to be a co-sponsor of the Born-Alive Survivors Protection Act, and enthusiastically signed a discharge petition to bring this legislation to the House floor for an up-or-down vote. Babies who are born after failed [[abortion]] attempts deserve every possible protection, and those unwilling to support legislation to do that are endorsing a policy tantamount to infanticide. ** Anonymous statement declaring she signed onto a letter to the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies, but with [https://cheneyforwyoming.com/protecting-life/ a link no longer current to her campaign site] mfh8695aijkc8y5bxvn0dcmgy079rzi 3155750 3155729 2022-08-18T03:20:35Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} == undated anonymous statement about a political stance == <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 18 August 2022 (UTC) : I moved this statement apparently about her position on late term abortions from the "Quotes about Cheney" section to here: It was an undated anonymous statement provided with only an undated dead link: * Protecting life is one of the most important responsibilities of elected officials and it’s something Liz takes very seriously. Unfortunately, the rights of the unborn are under attack by far-left advocates. She’s proud to be a co-sponsor of the Born-Alive Survivors Protection Act, and enthusiastically signed a discharge petition to bring this legislation to the House floor for an up-or-down vote. Babies who are born after failed [[abortion]] attempts deserve every possible protection, and those unwilling to support legislation to do that are endorsing a policy tantamount to infanticide. ** Anonymous statement declaring she signed onto a letter to the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies, but with [https://cheneyforwyoming.com/protecting-life/ a link no longer current to her campaign site] blyyo1u1ea8z6lu62xwxg0dkqjt2oj7 0 250129 3155743 2022-08-18T02:53:06Z Art1991 16162 Created page with "{{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''Whose Show is This'' [1.01] == == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [..." wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''Whose Show is This'' [1.01] == == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] ry9u5n1mfvcxpkq00g4oivrgjc87y8t 3155779 3155743 2022-08-18T07:08:44Z Art1991 16162 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] c82hnfetersil0reej0omivqwel6xxn 3155785 3155779 2022-08-18T08:11:37Z Art1991 16162 /* A Normal Amount of Rage [1.01] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == :''[[last lines]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': I KNEW IT! CAPTAIN AMERICA FU-- == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] kfsy5baz4gct2rhua4nlgvqwe62xu23 3155786 3155785 2022-08-18T08:11:49Z Art1991 16162 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == :''[last lines]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': I KNEW IT! CAPTAIN AMERICA FU-- == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] 2ne746mq23w7my5aiftikurjlqkytlx 3155804 3155786 2022-08-18T09:09:35Z Art1991 16162 /* A Normal Amount of Rage [1.01] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == :''[last lines]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': I KNEW IT! [[w:Steve Rogers (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|CAPTAIN AMERICA]] FU-- == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] kfyf8yhogdhebig2hlaldipv1vj4piy 3155811 3155804 2022-08-18T11:10:54Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:She-Hulk: Attorney at Law|She-Hulk: Attorney at Law]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jessica Gao|Jessica Gao]] for the streaming service [[w:Disney+|Disney+]], based on the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:She-Hulk|Jennifer Walters / She-Hulk]], cousin of [[w:Hulk|Dr. Bruce Banner / The Hulk]]. == ''A Normal Amount of Rage'' [1.01] == :'''Jennifer Walters''': I thought the point was to prevent me from turning into a Hulk. :'''Smart Hulk''': These transformations are triggered by distressed, emotional sates. So we need to know the exact threshold that causes it for you. The triggers are anger and fear. :'''Jennifer Walters''': Those are like the baseline of any woman just existing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Jennifer Walters''': I KNEW IT! [[w:Steve Rogers (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|CAPTAIN AMERICA]] FU-- == [1.02] == == [1.03] == == [1.04] == == [1.05] == == [1.06] == == [1.07] == == [1.08] == == [1.09] == == Cast == * [[w:Tatiana Maslany|Tatiana Maslany]] as [[w:She-Hulk|She-Hulk / Jennifer Walters]] * [[w:Jameela Jamil|Jameela Jamil]] as [[w:Titania (Marvel Comics)|Titania]] * [[w:Ginger Gonzaga|Ginger Gonzaga]] as Nikki Ramos * [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] as [[w:Mallory Book|Mallory Book]] * [[w:Tim Roth|Tim Roth]] as [[w:Abomination (comics)|Abomination / Emil Blonsky]] * [[w:Mark Ruffalo|Mark Ruffalo]] as [[w:Bruce Banner (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Smart Hulk / Bruce Banner]] * [[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] * [[w:Charlie Cox|Charlie Cox]] as [[w:Matt Murdock (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Daredevil / Matt Murdock]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] gehbyxcyf8pn09bscphujzmx6fzujxe 0 250130 3155754 2022-08-18T03:49:22Z HearthHOTS 3120771 Created page with "'''Ann C. Frank Lewis''' (born December 19, 1937) is a leading American Democratic Party strategist and communicator. Lewis served as White House Communications Director in the Clinton administration and in senior roles under Hillary Clinton. She is currently the co-chair of the Democratic Majority for Israel. ==Quotes== *The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choo..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''Ann C. Frank Lewis''' (born December 19, 1937) is a leading American Democratic Party strategist and communicator. Lewis served as White House Communications Director in the Clinton administration and in senior roles under Hillary Clinton. She is currently the co-chair of the Democratic Majority for Israel. ==Quotes== *The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. **17 March 2008, quoted 18 March 2008 in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/17/AR2008031702440_2.html?sid=ST2008031702549 The Audacity of Chutzpah] by Dana Milbank of The Washington Post {{wikipedia}} 6tk00c5afionx2tedst8wk6vzqlvlqn 3155755 3155754 2022-08-18T03:49:44Z HearthHOTS 3120771 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Ann C. Frank Lewis''' (born December 19, 1937) is a leading American Democratic Party strategist and communicator. Lewis served as White House Communications Director in the Clinton administration and in senior roles under Hillary Clinton. She is currently the co-chair of the Democratic Majority for Israel. ==Quotes== *The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel.<br>It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. **17 March 2008, quoted 18 March 2008 in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/17/AR2008031702440_2.html?sid=ST2008031702549 The Audacity of Chutzpah] by Dana Milbank of The Washington Post {{wikipedia}} [[category:politicians]] qcnc4yr2szx7ni5g22waq3y1cr1hzqt 3155812 3155755 2022-08-18T11:13:58Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ready for Hillary 042 (13315653413).jpg|thumb|Ann Lewis]] '''Ann C. Frank Lewis''' (born December 19, 1937) is a leading American [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] strategist and communicator. Lewis served as [[w:White House Communications Director|White House Communications Director]] in the [[w:Presidency of Bill Clinton|Clinton administration]] and in senior roles under [[Hillary Clinton]]. She is currently the co-chair of the [[w:Democratic Majority for Israel|Democratic Majority for Israel]]. {{political-stub}} ==Quotes== *The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel.<br>It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. **17 March 2008, quoted 18 March 2008 in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/17/AR2008031702440_2.html?sid=ST2008031702549 The Audacity of Chutzpah] by Dana Milbank of The Washington Post == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lewis, Ann}} [[category:politicians]] of02ra7wx3ftimzq6z08vh6fcookbda 3155813 3155812 2022-08-18T11:18:01Z UDScott 4304 + 11 categories; ±[[Category:Politicians]]→[[Category:Political authors]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ready for Hillary 042 (13315653413).jpg|thumb|Ann Lewis]] '''[[w:Ann Lewis|Ann C. Frank Lewis]]''' (born December 19, 1937) is a leading American [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]] strategist and communicator. Lewis served as [[w:White House Communications Director|White House Communications Director]] in the [[w:Presidency of Bill Clinton|Clinton administration]] and in senior roles under [[Hillary Clinton]]. She is currently the co-chair of the [[w:Democratic Majority for Israel|Democratic Majority for Israel]]. {{political-stub}} ==Quotes== *The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel.<br>It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. **17 March 2008, quoted 18 March 2008 in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/17/AR2008031702440_2.html?sid=ST2008031702549 The Audacity of Chutzpah] by Dana Milbank of The Washington Post == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lewis, Ann}} [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Government officials]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] [[Category:1937 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 18n4z01w5hkke3if7rm3qb6va0p8v0s 0 250131 3155756 2022-08-18T03:55:15Z Krisgabwoosh 3087697 Created page with "[[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|It is important to preserve the cultural practices of our Bolivian people because they enrich the national identity.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. ==..." wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|It is important to preserve the cultural practices of our Bolivian people because they enrich the national identity.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Native Americans]] 8dhu1rhhh9lpat8tc006h5cbr48oau1 3155757 3155756 2022-08-18T03:55:38Z Krisgabwoosh 3087697 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Native Americans]] rtoc9dxyb9u3nnqlgtgkt3ezj6cu7ul 3155814 3155757 2022-08-18T11:18:49Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Native Americans]] offd4j53crrehwm2juy4dnpo3h7269t 3155815 3155814 2022-08-18T11:19:31Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Government ministers]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Native Americans]] [[Category:Government ministers]] opv09xaj8dni9r8ujxs1ivynx1erk67 3155816 3155815 2022-08-18T11:19:39Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Native Americans]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Government ministers]] 57cnpzd4hj6pgaqoj87denxckrzb1sp 3155817 3155816 2022-08-18T11:20:31Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Environmentalists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] 88fa9lupxcm3nkoyat1k0fga3d9s8cv 3155818 3155817 2022-08-18T11:20:40Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Indigenous people]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Indigenous people]] ga7va0nony8rjrqwdqgmdtitkts8yc2 3155819 3155818 2022-08-18T11:20:50Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Indigenous rights activists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rafael Arcángel Quispe Flores (Official Photo) Chamber of Deputies of Bolivia.jpg|thumb|The message you give to people is better accepted with humor.]] '''[[w:Rafael Quispe|Rafael Quispe]]''' (born 24 October 1969) is a Bolivian indigenous activist and politician who served as general executive director of the Indigenous Development Fund from 2019 to 2020, in addition to a number of other political posts. == Quotes == * We thought that [Evo Morales] represented hope, we identified with him. He won, we gave him all the power. But the process has given us nothing. It has been all discourse, no application. He speaks of Mother Earth, and he is the foremost violator of Mother Earth. ** [[w:Bill Weinberg|Bill Weinberg]] (2 September 2010) [https://nacla.org/article/beyond-extraction-interview-rafael-quispe "Beyond Extraction: An Interview With Rafael Quispe"], ''[[w:NACLA Report on the Americas|NACLA Report on the Americas]]''. * I don't want to be president because to be president is to be a prisoner of the [[w:Big Oil|transnationals]], of the ''llunkus'', to be a prisoner of a colonial state{{nbsp}}... ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * My mother was a very wise woman; she had the fundamental principles of respect for life, respect for our nature, for the worldview; she was a great believer in nature, in the ''wacas'', in the ''illas''; she guided me in the life of our peoples. ** [https://anteriorportal.erbol.com.bo/noticia/indigenas/04112013/quispe_no_creo_que_lleguemos_al_poder_este_2014 "Quispe: No creo que lleguemos al poder este 2014"] in ERBOL (4 November 2013). * [Our party] must [have] a renewal of leadership; new people in politics in this country{{nbsp}}... professionals, middle class, and Indians; the Indians cannot be on the sidelines. ** [http://www.elalteno.com.bo/ciudad/20171113/concejales-y-gente-del-ex-msm-seran-parte-del-nuevo-partido-de-quispe "Concejales y gente del ex-MSM serán parte del nuevo partido de Quispe"] in ''El Alteño'' (13 November 2017). * If you have to go to jail for denouncing corruption, I'm going to go. ** [https://correodelsur.com/politica/20180516_diputado-rafael-quispe-es-aprehendido-por-la-policia.html "Diputado Rafael Quispe es aprehendido por la Policía"] in ''[[w:Correo del Sur|Correo del Sur]]'' (16 May 2018). * ...{{nbsp}}those of us who comply with the Constitution{{nbsp}}... fear nothing; [I] fear only God... and my wife. ** [https://eldeber.com.bo/extra/miedo-solo-a-dios-y-a-mi-esposa-la-respuesta-viral-del-diputado-rafael-quispe_32384 "'Miedo, solo a Dios... y a mi esposa', la respuesta viral del diputado Rafael Quispe"] in ''[[w:El Deber|El Deber]]'' (11 December 2018.) * The message you give to people is better accepted with humor. ** [https://urgente.bo/noticia/rafael-quispe-hago-marketing-pol%C3%ADtico-y-la-gente-me-conoce-mejor "Rafael Quispe: Hago marketing político y la gente me conoce mejor"] in Urgente.bo (25 February 2019). * I do striking things, but I do them so that the people understand{{nbsp}}... in a didactic way what is happening in the country. ** María Carballo (29 March 2019) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200828070705/https://www.paginasiete.bo/nacional/2019/3/29/rafael-quispe-el-lado-humoristico-polemico-de-la-politica-213521.html "Rafael Quispe, el lado humorístico y polémico de la política"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * ...{{nbsp}} [he who] does not speak his native language is not indigenous; he is a false indigenous{{nbsp}}... ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * I am a believer in [[w:Pachamama|Pachamama]], but I also believe in God. They both merge. Leaving the house, we pray to God, but at the moment when you pass a large mountain—which for us are the ''wak'as'', the sacred places—we pray to Pachamama. ** Gina Baldivieso (1 December 2019) [https://www.efe.com/efe/america/politica/un-aimara-boliviano-afirma-que-evo-morales-mantuvo-estancados-a-los-indigenas/20000035-4123235 "Un aimara boliviano afirma que Evo Morales mantuvo estancados a los indígenas"], [[w:EFE|EFE]]. * If for helping my brothers, for handing out surgical masks, for guiding, they have to remove me, let them remove me. ** [https://impresa.lapatria.bo/noticia/1016992 "Destituyen a Rafael Quispe como director del Fondo Indígena y anuncian a Germán Huanca como sucesor"] in ''[[w:La Patria|La Patria]]'' (9 May 2020). * I am the ''pitita'' that unites the ''k'aras'' with the Indians, East and West. We have to be one. The goal is one, the welfare of the other. Enough left and right{{nbsp}}... ** Roxana Pomier (13 May 2020) [https://web.archive.org/web/20200606213526/https://www.paginasiete.bo/sociedad/2020/5/13/el-influencer-tata-quispe-soy-la-pitita-que-une-karas-indios-255336.html "El influencer Tata Quispe: 'Soy la pitita que une a k'aras e indios'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I trust in God; I drink, mate, and use protection. God knows why we have come to Earth, and He knows when we are going to leave. There are many people I know who have taken care of themselves, but they left. There are people who don't take care of themselves, get sick, and recover. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. * I want there to exist—respecting cultures—a single society. That both the ''k'ara'' and the Indian recognize each other as equals; enough of confrontation, enough of remembering the 500 years{{nbsp}}... There must be forgiveness between us{{nbsp}}... As long as we live in confrontation, it will be a second-class Bolivia, underdeveloped, and that is why my first pillar is to live among equals; it is the first thing. ** Daniela Romero (7 February 2021) [https://web.archive.org/web/20210228090234/https://www.paginasiete.bo/especial02/2021/2/7/tata-quispe-yo-llego-la-clase-media-los-indios-es-mi-fortaleza-283643.html "Tata Quispe: 'Yo llego a la clase media y a los indios, es mi fortaleza'"], ''[[w:Página Siete|Página Siete]]''. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Quispe, Rafael}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Bolivians]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Indigenous people]] [[Category:Indigenous rights activists]] iusvwc4nduhzx5tasfxm20whgulttel 0 250132 3155784 2022-08-18T08:09:19Z Kalki 71 a start, adapting WP intro and links; will be tweaking this a bit yet... wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "America the Beautiful", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895 </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|]] * '''O beautiful for spacious skies,<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! ** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]]. <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] qsi6knee8jadw4ro3dpzrqmswccyfwh 3155788 3155784 2022-08-18T08:14:51Z Kalki 71 /* America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "America the Beautiful", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895 </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! ** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] 3thb7g4aan4eh252cdpdg0hs4gpv0d8 3155790 3155788 2022-08-18T08:17:11Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895 </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! ** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] 6qx5026dghj3aehb8ixob47a0yb7oil 3155791 3155790 2022-08-18T08:17:37Z Kalki 71 /* America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! ** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] ov457gby5fg9vxqvez9w1474zwl8cew 3155792 3155791 2022-08-18T08:18:28Z Kalki 71 /* America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] 0dt6c5co8xnkzzki3t8q30690inuki6 3155793 3155792 2022-08-18T08:20:01Z Kalki 71 /* America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) */ tweak wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of Paul Revere <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb|]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth. <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] c2ytguz9hrlbs6pyrpvy3asb0xxrnpa 3155796 3155793 2022-08-18T08:44:39Z Kalki 71 add images, tweaks wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "America the Beautiful", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === America the Beautiful (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895 </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|]] * '''O beautiful for spacious skies,<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! ** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]]. <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] fhf8kcri7iav6t9fz7fhr2bqigmgcaj 3155797 3155796 2022-08-18T08:49:25Z Kalki 71 restore some accidental removals in my last edit... wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt. <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] mf28mei7w8fndjy7g1cgh44zg4a4zro 3155802 3155797 2022-08-18T09:05:14Z Kalki 71 /* The Debt (1923) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea. <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield. <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye. * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear! ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] 2pi14s504hvi8z47ziv561j8mnvxr48 3155803 3155802 2022-08-18T09:07:11Z Kalki 71 /* The Falmouth Bell */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} *{{cite web |url=http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |title=The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine! |access-date=16 February 2009 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm |archive-date=June 13, 2006 }} (A site devoted to Miss Bates and Falmouth, Massachusetts) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] cp51sdkmsc08z44h8diy38f4srilbym 3155805 3155803 2022-08-18T09:13:28Z Kalki 71 /* External links */ fix broken link wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters]] j671ityfsba0dte1aznzhn0u768xuvl 3155820 3155805 2022-08-18T11:21:22Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Songwriters]]; added [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] 2a08ss8etrna0pbogbmqqp8eppkorsa 3155821 3155820 2022-08-18T11:22:01Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Travel writers]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Travel writers]] ngnpz5whbjdfamyowkzfne6dr986v8i 3155822 3155821 2022-08-18T11:22:09Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:American women]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Travel writers]] [[Category:American women]] qua7kgm6xtd9u1kaez1ravawcavxih2 3155823 3155822 2022-08-18T11:22:17Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Women authors]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Travel writers]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] gxbdjvd50w5p1o767vjyrx4va2ll2wl 3155824 3155823 2022-08-18T11:22:36Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:People from Massachusetts]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Katherine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb|Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the [[silence]] is so near, I [[sing]]…]] '''[[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Lee Bates]]''' ([[12 August]] [[1859]] – [[28 March]] [[1929]]) was an American author and poet, chiefly remembered for her anthem "[[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]]", but also for her many books and articles on social reform, on which she was a noted speaker. == Quotes == === [[w:America the Beautiful|America the Beautiful]] (1893, 1895; 1904) === [[File:Pikes Peak View (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|O [[beautiful]] for spacious [[skies]],<br> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple [[mountain]] majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain!]] :<small> Written in 1893, first published in ''The Congregationalist'' in 1895, revised in 1904; first titled "America the Beautiful" in 1910. </small> [[File:Pikes Peak.pdf|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] shed His [[grace]] on thee, <br /> And crown thy [[good]] with [[brotherhood]] <br /> From [[sea]] to shining sea!]] [[File:Americathebeautiful.jpg|thumb|[[America]]! America! <br /> [[God]] mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy [[soul]] in self-control, <br /> Thy [[liberty]] in [[law]].]] <!-- O [[beautiful]] for [[heroes]] prov'd <br /> In [[liberating]] strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].]] --> * '''O beautiful for spacious skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the fruited plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea!''' ** Variant: ** O beautiful for [[wikt:halcyon#Adjective|halcyon]] skies, <br /> For amber waves of grain, <br /> For purple mountain majesties <br /> Above the enameled plain! <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> Till souls wax fair as earth and air <br /> And music-hearted sea! *** First stanza of [https://books.google.com/books?id=uXbOAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA151#v=onepage&q&f=false the earlier version "America : A Poem for July 4", in ''The American Kitchen Magazine'', Vol. VII, No. 4 (July 1897), p. 151] * O beautiful for pilgrim feet <br /> Whose stern impassion'd stress <br /> A thoroughfare for freedom beat <br /> Across the wilderness. <br /> '''America! America! <br /> God mend thine ev'ry flaw, <br /> Confirm thy soul in self-control, <br /> Thy liberty in law.''' * '''O beautiful for heroes prov'd <br /> In liberating strife, <br /> Who more than self their country loved, <br /> And [[mercy]] more than [[life]].''' <br /> America! America! <br /> May God thy gold refine <br /> Till all success be nobleness, <br /> And ev'ry gain divine. * O beautiful for patriot dream <br /> That sees beyond the years <br /> Thine alabaster cities gleam <br /> Undimmed by human tears. <br /> America! America! <br /> God shed His grace on thee, <br /> And crown thy good with brotherhood <br /> From sea to shining sea. === ''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911) === [[File:Boathouse ^ Mansion - Flickr - twoblueday.jpg|thumb|Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the [[sea]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvc-AAAAIAAJ ''''America the Beautiful and Other Poems'' (1911)] </small> ==== The Falmouth Bell ==== [[File:Falmouth Shining Sea Path, August 2014 (14846001269).jpg|thumb| Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the [[gifts]] of shore and field…]] :<small>Section II, p. 39</small> [[File:Katherine Lee Bates House, Falmouth, MA.jpg|thumb| Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the [[eye]].]] [[File:Sunset over vineyard sound.jpg|thumb| Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep.]] * '''Never was there lovelier town <br /> Than our Falmouth by the sea.''' <br /> Tender curves of sky look down <br /> On her grace of knoll and lea. * '''Here is princely interchange <br /> Of the gifts of shore and field, <br /> Starred with treasures rare and strange <br /> That the liberal sea-chests yield.''' <br /> Culture here burns breezy torch <br /> Where gray captains, bronzed of neck <br /> Tread their little length of porch <br /> With a memory of the deck. <br /> Ah, and here the tenderest hearts, <br /> Here where sorrows sorest wring <br /> And the widows shift their parts <br /> Comforted and comforting. <br /> Holy bell of [[w:Paul Revere|Paul Revere]] <br /> Calling such to prayer and praise. <br /> While a hundred times the year <br /> Herds her flock of faithful days! * Greetings to thee, ancient bell <br /> Of our Falmouth by the sea! <br /> Answered by the ocean swell, <br /> Ring thy centuried Jubilee! <br /> Like the white sails of the Sound, <br /> '''Hast thou seen the years drift by, <br /> From the dreamful, dim profound <br /> To a goal beyond the eye.''' * Still thy mellow voice and clear <br /> Floats o'er land and listening deep, <br /> And we deem our fathers hear <br /> From their shadowy hill of sleep. <br /> '''Ring thy peals for centuries yet, <br /> Living voice of Paul Revere! <br /> Let the future not forget <br /> That the past accounted dear!''' ==== The Ideal ==== [[File:Portrait of Katharine Lee Bates, ca. 1880-1890.jpg|thumb| I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy [[dream]].]] [[File:Statue of Katharine Lee Bates.jpg|thumb| All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.]] :<small>Section III, p. 59</small> * '''By the promise of noon"s blue splendor in the dawn"s first silvery gleam, <br /> By the song of the sea that compelleth the path of the rockcleaving stream, <br /> I summon thee, recreant dreamer, to rise and follow thy dream.''' * In the inmost core of thy being I am a burning fire, <br /> From thine own altar-flame kindled in the hour when souls aspire, <br /> For know that men"s prayers shall be answered, and guard thy spirit"s desire. * '''That which thou wouldst be thou must be, that which thou shalt be thou art; <br /> As the oak, astir in the acorn, the dull earth rendeth apart, <br /> Lo thou, the seed of thy longing, that breaketh and waketh the heart.''' * I am the cry of the night wind, startling thy traitorous sleep; <br /> Moaning I echo thy music, and e"en while thou boastest to reap <br /> Alien harvests, my anger resounds from the vehement deep. * '''I am the solitude folding thy soul in a sudden embrace. <br /> Faint waxes the voice of thy fellow, wan the light on his face. <br /> Life is as cloud-drift about thee alone in shelterless space. * I am the drawn sword barring the lanes thy mutinous feet <br /> Vainly covet for greenness. Loitering pace or fleet, <br /> Thine is the crag-path chosen. On the crest shall rest be sweet. * '''I am thy strong consoler when the desolate human pain <br /> Darkens upon thee, the azure outblotted by rush of the rain. <br /> All thou dost cherish may perish; still shall thy quest remain.''' * '''Call me thy foe in thy passion; claim me in peace for thy friend; <br /> Yet bethink thee by lowland and upland, wherever thou wiliest to wend, <br /> I am thine Angel of Judgment; mine eyes thou must meet in the end.''' === The Debt (1923) === [[File:I Oak Grove Cemetery, Falmouth, MA, USA (2).jpg|thumb|I …  Would make my [[peace]] now with mine hostess [[Earth]], <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s [[worth]], <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden [[joy]].]] :<small>[https://books.google.com/books?id=xFQRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA353&f=false ''The Atlantic Monthly'', Vol. CXXXII (September 1923), p. 353]</small> * '''Because the years are few, I must be glad; <br /> Because the silence is so near, I sing;''' <br /> "Twere ill to quit an inn where I have had <br /> Such bounteous fare nor pay my reckoning. <br /> I would not, from some gleaming parapet <br /> Of Sirius or Vega, bend my gaze <br /> On a remembered sparkle and regret <br /> That from it thanklessly I went my ways <br /> Up through the starry colonnades nor found <br /> Violets in any Paradise more blue <br /> Than those that blossomed on my own waste ground <br /> Nor vespers sweeter than the robins knew. * '''Though earth be but an outpost of delight, <br /> Heaven"s wild frontier by tragedy beset, <br /> Only a [[Shakespeare]] may her gifts requite. <br /> Only a happy [[Raphael]] pay his debt.''' <br /> Yet I, to whom, even as to these, are given <br /> Cascading foam, emblazoned butterflies, <br /> The moon"s pearl chariot through the massed clouds driven, <br /> And the divinity of loving eyes, <br /> Would make my peace now with mine hostess Earth, <br /> Give and take pardon for all brief annoy, <br /> And toss her, far beneath my lodging"s worth, <br /> Poor that I am, a coin of golden joy. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{wikisource author}} * {{wikisource-inline|Woman of the Century/Katharine Lee Bates}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060613061759/http://fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/home.htm The Katharine Lee Bates Shrine] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090123112337/http://www.falmouthhistoricalsociety.org/05/klbates.htm Falmouth Museums on the Green] * [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/author/2578 Katharine Lee Bates at Project Gutenberg] * [https://www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/cambridge-harvard/katharine-lee-bates/ Profile at Harvard Square Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bates, Katharine Lee}} [[Category:1859 births]] [[Category:1929 deaths]] [[Category:19th-century American poets]] [[Category:20th-century American poets]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Travel writers]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:People from Massachusetts]] 0hion9nts66dzt3sywmxn9p3f7u5sne 0 250133 3155800 2022-08-18T09:00:42Z Daftschu 3129757 Created page with "Devin Schumacher or Schumacher or Matthew Devin Schumacher (June 10, 1987 – ) is an [https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q107485121 American based internet celebrity, music producer, actor DJ & entrepreneur.] == Quotes == * "Without downs, ups are just flats." * "I never want to be lucky. Give me the work, the bad luck, the hardest road possible. That's where toughness is built, that's where real life happens." * "Partly cloudy means mostly sunny!" * "Business is simply a..." wikitext text/x-wiki Devin Schumacher or Schumacher or Matthew Devin Schumacher (June 10, 1987 – ) is an [https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q107485121 American based internet celebrity, music producer, actor DJ & entrepreneur.] == Quotes == * "Without downs, ups are just flats." * "I never want to be lucky. Give me the work, the bad luck, the hardest road possible. That's where toughness is built, that's where real life happens." * "Partly cloudy means mostly sunny!" * "Business is simply a large series of small problems temporarily impeding a desired outcome." * "My only true goal in life is to be disliked by stupid people." * "Gratitude and satisfaction are not mutually exclusive, you can have "enough" and still stay hungry." calj4qwbrhoahn3wt83dj5a8l6mq7t3 3155825 3155800 2022-08-18T11:24:13Z UDScott 4304 prod wikitext text/x-wiki ----{{dated prod|concern = Questionable notability (and none of the quotes are sourced)|month = August|day = 18|year = 2022|time = 11:24|timestamp = 20220818112411}} <!-- Do not use the "dated prod" template directly; the above line is generated by "subst:prod|reason" --> Devin Schumacher or Schumacher or Matthew Devin Schumacher (June 10, 1987 – ) is an [https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q107485121 American based internet celebrity, music producer, actor DJ & entrepreneur.] == Quotes == * "Without downs, ups are just flats." * "I never want to be lucky. Give me the work, the bad luck, the hardest road possible. That's where toughness is built, that's where real life happens." * "Partly cloudy means mostly sunny!" * "Business is simply a large series of small problems temporarily impeding a desired outcome." * "My only true goal in life is to be disliked by stupid people." * "Gratitude and satisfaction are not mutually exclusive, you can have "enough" and still stay hungry." nref049xhmxrd87ahj7xwn2don6b1f4 0 250134 3155801 2022-08-18T09:02:10Z Kalki 71 Redirected page to [[Katharine Lee Bates]] wikitext text/x-wiki #Redirect [[Katharine Lee Bates]] kup0ad6lwonegxlhbn2ctio46anoukn 14 250135 3155828 2022-08-18T11:26:56Z Relinus 3124592 Created page with "[[Category:Self-help writers]]" wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Self-help writers]] 4fjlkb1jgjnntqiof3q9lu4unolzh68